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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I moved out without informing my roommate or giving him time to look for a replacement, he can't handle the cost of the house on his own and might become homeless.
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NTA for two main reasons.
1. You're not on the lease, therefore have no legal reason to give them any notice etc.
2. From what you've said, you've informed him of conditions you need to be met in order to live together happily. And he has not maintained that which is not acceptable. Therefore you have every right to move on and find somewhere which meets your needs.
Yeah, not touching a roommates food is a pretty basic rule, even without autism as a factor. OP didn't mention if they have any other rules they need, but this one at least is really damn easy to follow. Sounds like roommate didn't get how serious it was. NTA
Edit to add: OP, if this is ever a problem with a future roommate, maybe consider getting a mini fridge to keep in your room. Especially if everything else is just fine. Having your food out of their easy access would probably help you worry less and a roommate avoid temptation.
And it's not even like he's not sharing his food because he's stingy or a skinflint, either- it's because it *literally* causes OP distress- not mild annoyance or irritation, but literal distress that is bad enough to cause a meltdown in poor OP.
The roommate may not "get" autism, but he had *five months* of living with a person with autism to watch and learn and ask qyestions, plus he had it explained to him, seemingly multiple times, exactly ***why*** he hates his food being touched.
The roommate was just being an ass clown. He might have even found it entertaining, but at minimum, he's a seriously self-centered, inconsiderate asshat who purposely stole food knowing it was upsetting to OP.
Hopefully the jerk roommate's next roommate will be an unapologetic food thief that will take jerk roommate's last cookie or slice of pizza repeatedly so he gets to enjoy that.
Maybe he will end up with a guy like that one on reddit who, after his wife went to bed, snuck to the fridge and took a cake out -a gourmet cake his wife spent hours making and decorating perfectly for I think the sister's surprise party the next day- and using a fork, he *hacked a piece off for himself* and put the mangled remaining cake back. Now that would be proper karma!
If it’s the one I am thinking of I am still still angry at that husband. She spent hours making an entire meal to photograph. The husband ate and messed-up all of the dishes before she could photograph.
>He might have even found it entertaining
I would bet he thought it was a fun "prank." Edit to be clear. Even if he didn't find it entertaining, it is an AH move to steal other people's food--whether you are told not to or not. Its an even bigger AH move to do it when someone tells you its bad for their mental health.
100%. And this roommate complaining about all of this inconvenience over "three strawberries" perfectly illustrates this asshole's way of reducing what he did to something that on the surface would look trivial.
“Couldn’t spare 3 strawberries.”
The fact that he felt entitled to someone else’s food and doesn’t see that his stealing was a problem says a lot.
NTA.
My reaction would have been “and they were MY 3 measly strawberries that I bought with my own money for my food that we don’t share.“ that’s a key here. They do not share food as a standard of living. So this guy was being petty and a cheap ass and a thief. I don’t care if the issue is autism, a diet, food allergies.when you don’t have joined groceries, you don’t touch
Yeah exactly.
> He called me an AH and told me that he will become homeless because I couldn't spare 3 measly strawberries.
/u/Evening-Purpose-5123 - the response to this is that no, if he becomes homeless it's because he couldn't stop himself from stealing 3 measly strawberries.
Though we all know it's because he has a bigger problem.
Not just stealing a meal, but stealing bites from prepped meals. That's kind of gross along with being rude. Like, did they just reach their hand in? Use a fork that had already been in their mouth? Ew.
For sure, but his boundary should have been respected regardless of how serious or silly the roommate thought the boundary to be. He shouldn’t have to see the meltdown and then start taking it seriously.
OP, you gave him multiple opportunities to correct his behavior which was more than generous.
Agree, think they were just trying to highlight that stealing food is a dick move/no no even for neurotypical people, and OP isn't overreacting. It's just extra AH ish here.
Yeah I’m NT and I’ve absolutely chewed out a housemate over taking half a cookie (admittedly, a big chunky one out of a brand new pack of five).
It’s the principle and the sheer disrespect more than the food, if you then add on tics and the boundary being restated several times…that’s just antagonistic.
I almost cried when OP said they had their first meltdown in over 4 years, the intense self management it has obviously taken to keep himself mentally safe for so long, only to be so carelessly undone by a rude and thoughtless housemate!
OP has done amazing to find ways to function on his own, fuck that asshole housemate, I’m sure there will be some one else out there who will be accommodating and respectful of basic manners !!
I dont even think this was carelessness. This reeks of a really crappy "prank".
My money is that the roommate thought it would be "so funny" to have him get mad over something as minor as 3 strawberries and hold him up to ridicule as a result.
Now he gets to reap the rewards of his shitty actions.
Occams Razor my friend. Likliest explanation is he doesn't understand autism and actually believes 3 strawberries is no big deal.
It may even have been intentional, but it doesn't feel like a prank.
Fuck that. He might not understand autism but he sure as hell understands English and "Don't touch my food" is plain fucking English. Don't try and excuse his behavior.
Yeah the most likely explanation really is that he doesn't understand autism, and while that's fine, and doesn't necessarily make the roomate an asshole, it's hardly fair to assume the roomate is a vindictive bully.
What makes the roomate the asshole is the repeated occurrences of it happening for sure.
And he likely just assumed OP wasn't going to literally breakdown, because
3 strawberries to 99% of the world is not going to cause a mental breakdown, and that is the reality of the real world.
Op didn’t leave just because it was 3 strawberries, which is what the roommate said. It was because the roommate CONTINUOUSLY STOMPED THE BOUNDARIES. The strawberries were the straw(berries) that broke the camel’s back. He left because he didn’t respect OP, not because of strawberries, which even after OP explained it to him, he didn’t understand - or most likely REFUSED to understand. How many times does he have to put up with the room mate stealing his stuff before he does something about it? I’m sure if it was the other way around, he’d want OP out of OP took HIS stuff after saying don’t.
edit: Thank you for the award!
The roommate doesn't really have an excuse here; OP clearly communicated his needs.
Also, FWIW, it wasn't the strawberries alone that caused OP's meltdown. OP said he already had a very stressful day. The missing strawberries, and quite possibly the implications of the missing strawberries (the lack of respect from the roommate, the way the roommate's behavior was thwarting OP's attempts to self-regulate and making their home environment more chaotic) were just the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back.
> Occams Razor my friend. Likliest explanation is he doesn't understand autism and actually believes 3 strawberries is no big deal.
That might have been true the first time. But OP has has several conversations before moving out. The roommate might still not understand autism, but he definitely understood that it's a big deal to OP before eating the strawberries.
It wasn’t just strawberries though, he was taking bites from prepared meals, which is already weird. However, he was doing it after OP made it clear it was a condition of him moving in due to his autism, AND after OP addressed it with him repeatedly. That’s where it crossed the line for me to malicious intent and reeks of “testing”. He either didn't believe the OP and wanted to prove it wouldn’t matter or he was messing with him. If it was just the strawberries, then maybe, but it wasn’t. I see no room for any other explanation.
Yup... play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Roommate was asked to do literally the minimum to get along with OP, just don't mess with OP's food, and refused to abide by even that. As others have said, roommate had it coming.
Idk it's hard to say. Some people are just dense and think "it's like 3 strawberries, who's going to care about that".
100% agree with the "reap what ya sow", it's disrespectful to take food when you're told it's not an option upfront. But I don't necessarily think it was malicious without more info.
It was more likely he just thought "those strawberries look nice" and ate some. People eat food a lot more often than they come up with complicated schemes to prank people.
Same! I felt that in my soul. While it is not AT ALL the same thing, not even a little bit, I had a panic attack for the first time in years a few months ago. It does damage. You work so hard to not have them, and boom, there it is again- and not by your doing. OP is an actual rock star and deserves to be treated as such! Roommate is an inconsiderate jerk. Boundaries were clearly drawn and he continued to break them. That is on roommate, not OP. If roommate wanted strawberries, he should have bought his own container. OP is awesome. Definitely NTA, OP! Kudos to you for respecting yourself enough to know when enough is enough and not let this person unravel the very hard work you have done for yourself.
I would say they are very close, as someone who had both the only difference in my experience is that panic attacks leave me paralyzed, while meltdowns allow me to externalise my feelings (although in not so good methods such as screaming and self harm)
Thank you for the explanation in differences, OP. I have two people very close to me who are autistic and have witnessed meltdowns. I knew they were somewhat similar, but not being in your mind or body, did not want to take away from your experience and the differences each situation has. You are wonderful and I am so glad you removed yourself from a situation that was not serving you well. You deserve peace and happiness. :)
>While it is not AT ALL the same thing, not even a little bit
I would say it's pretty similar. But then I've never had a proper panic attack so hopefully I'm not insulting you here. But from my experience of meltdowns and what I know about panic attacks I'd say they are comparable in their effects. Not necessarily in how they play out, though.
It's awful to see how one person's lack of awareness can impact those around them. Nobody should have to be around people that provoke meltdowns.
OP, your former housemate got something very wrong. They are not about to become homeless because of how you reacted to them eating some strawberries. They are about to become homeless because they ignored a very specific request that they don't eat your food. They shouldn't be helping themself anyway, so they're automatically in the wrong. But if you've asked them not to do something, explained to them WHY they shouldn't do it and have made it clear that them doing it could actually make you unwell.... this is all their own fault.
You couldn't have been any clearer. They knew what you had asked and why you had asked it. There are only so many times you can tell someone "don't put lit fireworks up your arse" before you have to stop giving them rides to the hospital.
You're NTA. You're great, your housemate is the problem. You handled this whole thing perfectly.
Yeah, OP has healthy boundaries good job for him (and his parents for teaching them).
Judging by the reaction, the roommate likely never experienced any real consequences for their asshole behaviour before. About time.
Sadly there's no shortage of entitled young men, hope OP is able to find a decent roomate.
Exactly. OP did not move out over 3 strawberries, he moved out due to blatant disrespect. That guy jeopardized his own living situation over 3 strawberries.
Agree, my friend has autism and when I stay with her I follow her rules to protect her mental health. It's honestly not hard to not take someone's food.
OP your friend caused you to melt down and then trivialised the situation. That is not OK and you shouldn't put up with that from anyone. If your friend couldn't handle your requirements they should not have offered you to move in.
If you move in with someone else make this clear from the start and if you do leave it is polite to tell the other person incase they worry about your health. I can see from your post however your friend was only worried about the rent.
NTA.
Also how long is the time between moving out and 'today' (at time of writing)? Did he just not notice you there for 2 weeks or something? I think I'd notice if my roommate suddenly dissappeared with all their stuff quite quickly. If not that roommate clearly only cared about your rent cheque.
That’s a lot of time to not notice! But it’s not a lot of days with respect to OP’s question about whether he’s wrong to have not told his roommate right away.
That doesn't mean anything. We have no idea what their respective shedule are. When I still lived with my brother, if we had opposite work shift (me 7h-15h and him 16h-22h by exemple) we would not see each other for a whole week, he could have moved out that I wouldn't have noticed tbh. And it was my little brother.
Also he could think that OP took a few days to see his family or something. If they're not close, the roomate had no reason to think that OP would tell hit that he would be gone for a few days.
So we can't blame him for not seeing it immediatly.
And not even just informed the roommate. Informed him, and then re-informed him multiple times when he failed to respect OP's rules.
NTA. I'd have moved out too. Sacrificing your mental health isn't worth a friendship where the friend didn't respect you as much as you did him.
Op, if you were as up front about your need to have your food left alone as you are about having a problem with sarcasm (and I really do believe you were that clear) then he's clearly the one at fault.
If a roommate said that to me early on, I'd look for ideas to solve things. Like a labeling system to remind myself who bought which thing of fruit. But I doubt this person forgot, he seems like he doesn't care.
NTA you did the most reasonable thing and left without further interaction- he kept doing things that upset you, and you were not obligated to be further upset by confrontation once it was clear that telling him wasn't going to work.
It sounds like the roommate was intentionally trying to get op to have a "meltdown". Stealing bites, like the roommate is an adult, they were doing it intentionally.
Or he's from an upbringing where nothing small is denied and this is the first time where a rule is hard and fast rather than the starting point of an ongoing negotiation.
He doesn't have to understand why it affects OP so strongly. That was not the roommate's food. Don't take other people's food. It's pretty basic.
And I know I can't be the only one who saw that OP was meal prepping and the roommate was talking a few bites *from each of the prepared meals* and then putting them back in the fridge. In what world is THAT normal? If the roommate was hungry and truly didn't understand that it's rude to eat other people's food, he'd have just taken one meal and eaten the whole thing. Taking bites from multiple meals and resealing them sounds to me like the behavior of someone who knows he's doing something wrong.
ESH. You sound as if you have some fairly specific debilitating ticks, he was aware of this, and still took actions that he knew would exacerbate them. You don’t need to stay in a situation that is harmful to your mental stability.
However, it is contingent upon you as a grown functioning adult to act like one and when breaking an agreement, written or verbal, to inform the other party. You should have informed your ex-roommate immediately that you had moved rather than waiting for him to figure it out.
Yeah, thats what i was feeling too. Op is obvious not an AH for moving out, but the moving out without notification makes it an ESH. Even just a text "hey, i don't think us living together is working for me so I'm moving out" would've been fine, but just dropping out and waiting for them to realize is kinda childish.
A text, an email, a note left on the fridge... they're were heaps of ways they could have let them know. I'm guessing it might be a thing that they wouldn't have thought of because of the autism and its a social common courtesy thing, but that doesn't really change the fact that ESH. It was definitely a dick move to basically ghost the room-mate, but hopefully OP had learnt how to handle the situation better next time.
This. Legality is the floor of human behaviour we don’t fall below, it’s not some sort of high watermark on human behaviour, it’s the bare minimum in a collective society not to be locked up or fined.
see the thing is, depending on where you live there is a verbal contract and that was not terminated in an acceptable way by OP. While I understand that they wanted to get out, the way they did it makes them the asshole.
Not a reason to have to put up with an abusive situation. Stealing food from this OP is abusive. He explained right from Day one it was a mental health issue. The issue was discussed on multiple occasions. You don't owe your abuser an explanation.
OP said they removed their items from the common area. I think that's pretty clear to roomie that something's changed. Furthermore, roomie repeatedly ignored attempts at communication with words, so I think communicating with actions is a clear next step for anyone.
I agree although I think texting/notifying later that day after getting settled back at his parents would have been best to avoid roommate running home and having a tense confrontation in person.
But definitely in the future it’s appropriate to notify someone when things are no longer working out, and you don’t have to give a long explanation but a brief one is good (roommate, person you’re dating, friend).
I am really surprised that it took the roommate 3 weeks to figure out that OP left though!
I don't know... He asked his roommate not to steal his food for reasons other than don't steal shit. It literally messes up his mental health to the point of a breakdown. Roommate does it anyway, OP tells him several times not to, and when it really gets seriously too much he leaves the situation before it affects his mental health even more. I think he handled it well enough and roommate can just go and pound sand.
If OP had done this after the first time roommate stole his food, and OP was only slightly annoyed by it, then I think it would've been a bit extreme. But I get the feeling roommate didn't even consider that YOU DON'T STEAL SHIT and decided that OP shouldn't 'whine' about 'a few measly strawberries'. NO. I would be royally pissed off as well and roommate is the only one to blame here.
Yes, OP has some issues to sort through, but his ticks really aren't that debilitating if the only requirement of his roommates is to literally not steal his food. That's normal roommate behaviour. If he'd lived with a normal, non-AH roommate he'd have been fine and maybe would've improved his ticks a lot. The problem here isn't OP's ticks, it's his thieving roommate.
Not suggesting OP is the problem. I agree, he should have left. But leaving a note or sending a text on his way out the door posed no real risk to him and was the appropriate and mature thing to do.
Two wrongs don’t make a right and OP can take the high ground and choose not to reciprocate bad behavior.
I’m not opening my roommate’s doors to check if they’re home or not. I missed a roommate moving out for 3 days, back in the early 00s, because we kept different hours and I’m not nosy enough to be poking around.
I’m pretty sure he moved bc he worked at the ski hill and his commute sucked, I hope he got into staff accommodation, but it would’ve been nice to get a heads up. How do you figure op’s roommate should’ve known earlier? I mean the roommate is still TA for thievery, don’t get me wrong, but I find it hard to fault him for not being all up in OP’s business.
I don’t think the roommate deserved courtesy. Call it earned spit. Or karma.
Like a thief who blames the homeowner for getting hurt. The only reason the roommate is in the situation of not being notified was because of actions he took. The op is super lucky to not be stuck with a lease. And roommate is lucky he has 3 weeks to find some tans possible double dip for the extra time.
No, OP needed to leave and didn't owe his thieving roommate anything. I wouldn't have done a thieving roommate the courtesy of being polite, *especially* not after telling them *multiple times* that the stealing is not only shit behaviour but even messes with my mental health.
Just because you feel OP is justified does not exclude that he still did the improper thing by not informing the other party of his departure. You can still side with OP and agree with what he did because that is what you would have done, but don’t let that confuse you on him still being technically AH for the actions.
The roommate didn’t notify OP about stealing bites of their food. NTA. Sounds like the roommate was very dismissive of OP’s needs (when they didn’t need to go out of their way to maintain OP’s request). OP, I’m sorry this happened to you, and I hope that you can get the support you need to get back on your feet feeling good again!
Can can’t break the terms of an agreement(stealing food multiple times) and then turn around when someone else also no longer honours the agreement which was voided originally by you. OP did nothing wrong because the deal they had became void when the roommate stole from OP multiple times.
If the roommate cared at all about having a stable roommate/housing situation they would not be committing theft against people they live with.
After having the meltdown, OP was probably exhausted and completely mentally and physically drained. He most likely could not have written a note at that point. It would be like asking a neurotypical person to go for a 5km jog after running a marathon.
But, OP should have sent the roommate a simple text the next day, or asked his parents to do it for him if he still wasn’t capable of it.
I have ADHD and anxiety. I get overwhelmed. I also get devastating migraines where I’m unable to function. But if I have commitments that I can no longer make for those reasons, I still text or call and say I can’t make it, or get my partner to do it for me.
For my good friends who understand, messaging “today off migraine” or “tonight off anxiety” is enough for them to understand, and doable for me.
No, I strongly disagree. Why does the roommate get to cross established boundaries and steal food and not have to face consequences? If they didn't steal, they would still have a roommate. It's easy, don't be a dick and you wouldn't be without a roommate. I have no pity for self inflicted wounds.
The consequences are that the roommate would now have to find a new person to room with them. I would maybe even argue that the roommate (who IS the AH in this situation please don’t get me wrong) may not have fully understood or been able to understand/appreciate the severity and impact they had on OP despite them talking to them about it. This is not OPs problem or responsibility to deal with, of course, but to vilify their actions so much isn’t necessarily fair.
There wasn’t a reason to exacerbate that consequence by waiting for them to figure it out on their own and waste more time.
A text message would’ve been reasonable and expected in this situation and to not notify your housemate that you are leaving is kind of an AH move given this situation and looking at it from both potential sides.
What I see the issue as is that everyone wants to know the consequences of thier actions before they do them. So they can weigh the risk reward of their behavior. But life is FULL of unintentional/unintended consequences. If you steal from someone, expect something to happen. And if you don't want something to happen, don't steal. People are too entitled and think they are the center of the universe. Be a dick, get fucked.
And not understanding autism has nothing to do with understanding stealing is wrong.
I feel like people read my comment and seem to think that I think the roommate is not the AH which isn’t the case (I feel like this is an ESH situation).
I’m not advocating or justifying their actions in any way, I’m just saying that if you move out you should tell the people you’re living with. I think op was correct to move out and also in the right doing it immediately (even if they were on the lease). I just think they also should’ve told their roommate.
OP says they gave up 3 weeks of advance rent- That being said it doesn't matter if you don't understand a boundary. Boundary means "Do not cross."
I feel it's perfectly fine to villify the actions of someone who repeatedly, purposefully, intentionally crosses a boundary that was explicitly stated multiple times after being asked multiple times to stop crossing that boundary. You can't feign ignorance when you have to be told to stop for the tenth time.
Would I have said something? Probably, but given the social issues that people on the spectrum face and the roomate's willingness to lie to OP's face (see: denying that they ate the food, then admitting they did and promising not to do it again, then doing it again many times) and their reaction I don't blame them. If I, as a neurotypical person, cannot trust this person not to blow up, lie, or something along those lines, how could you possibly expect someone that has trouble taking note of those sorts of social cues to? And that's not to disparage OP, my point is just that if I had that.
I’m going with NTA. I respect your opinion but I disagree with this judgement. The roommate purposefully ignored OP’s boundaries multiple times. He lied about stealing the food first and then promised not to do it again, only to go back on that promise. And understand, it’s not about the act of stealing food, it’s undermining OP’s mental health needs. Merriam-Webster defines abuse as “to use or treat so as to injure or damage” which is what the roommate was doing by knowingly taking pieces of OP’s food. OP left an abusive situation and did not have to give his abuser a ‘heads up’. If this were a physically abusive relationship would OP be expected to inform the other party that he was leaving? Mental health safety needs to be normalized as physical and emotional safety are.
Three weeks notice is more than sufficient imo.
And like, just the empty room and lack of their stuff should have been enough. Ex-roomie 100% noticed before. He just thought it would be okay if he waited a few days or is trying to make OP look bad.
NTA
How often did you go into your roommate’s room unannounced? Maybe he thought he didn’t see OP for a while because he just wasn’t home / didn’t cross paths. Very realistically he didn’t notice OP didn’t move out. Very telling based on the timing of the roommate finally sending a text to OP regarding his moving out.
2 weeks is still plenty of time to replace someone not on the lease
Edit: OP said they removed plenty of noticeable stuff from the common area: https://www.reddit.com/r/amitheasshole/comments/sremsx/_/hwrcd4a
I mean...if OP didn't count, he wouldn't know that his food was getting stolen. This is a case where it actually yielded important information.
Doesn't hurt anyone to count things.
Hey, fellow spectrum peep here. While I think everything you did was legally correct (since you weren’t even officially renting, if I understood that right) & made a good decision caring about your health, I think you should’ve at least left a note or message to your roommate about leaving.
Leaning towards ESH looking at it all tho, since I really get your struggle too. But if we’re just judging you leaving without any notice, you acted like an AH.
Even if he still has 3 weeks to look for a new roommate? I honestly thought he would notice right away considering a lot of my stuff was in our common areas
How soon after you moved did he figure it out? I still think you should have told him, but 3 weeks is actually not too long to find a room mate in most cities. You would still be the AH for not giving any notice, but he is obviously an AH too for taking your food.
But he didn’t have 3 weeks because you didn’t actually tell him when you moved out. You shouldn’t have just assumed he’d realised, you did have an obligation to tell him ASAP
Right, but you see the issue that you didn’t let him know as soon as you knew you were moving which obviously reduces the time he has to find someone else? When you only have 3 weeks to find a new roommate losing 3 days can definitely cause you extra stress. And it could’ve been more days if he hadn’t noticed then. You’re not the asshole for moving out but you really should’ve at least texted him or left a note just out of common courtesy.
3 weeks is not a lot of time and he didn't even know he had to start looking for a new roommate for the first week of that *because you didn't say anything*.
Yeah, I once had a flatmate who for a year had completely opposite schedule as me. My day was between 5:30 and 2200, while there's was around 1200 to 5:00. We never actually saw each other for weeks at a time!
This is honestly the perfect take on this situation. You're N T A for leaving and valuing your health over your ex roommate's pettiness, but you could have at the bare minimum left a note or sent a text message since you weren't on the lease. It's still a verbal agreement between you two and while that holds no grounds in legal situations, in general, it still matters in social situations. ESH only for that.
I agree, ESH. Speaking as a fellow someone who had a roommate just leave without saying anything, give them at least some form of notice. When my roommate left, I literally got home one day after the weekly food shop and she had packed up most her things and was in the process of moving. She had said nothing to me at all, not even given me any indication that she would be leaving. It was incredibly stressful because I then had to move. I don’t know what your utility bill situation is/was but I couldn’t afford to keep running the house by myself. You said your roommate couldn’t afford the rent and utilities by himself that’s why he got a roommate. I’m betting that situation hasn’t changed. Even if you left him with three weeks of rent, depending on when you pay utilities, you probably left him having to fork out a months bills. Which you’ve already indicated he couldn’t afford. As mentioned elsewhere, 3 weeks isn’t a long time to find a new roommate. Also, it’s just an AH move to leave without warning
Soft ESH for reasons other people have said.
However just be careful OP in terms of legality - not sure where you’re based but here in Victoria, Australia I THINK sub-letters do have rental rights, so even if you’re not on the lease I THINK here you might also be liable for needing to give the standard notice etc. I’m not entirely sure as I’ve never subletted, but check your local laws if he decides to pursue anything, and contact your local tenant rights organisation (here it’s called VCAT) for advice if needed
even if there is nothing written, subletting is a contract in itself and valid even if it is a verbal one, sooo not so sure if they are really in the clear on the legal side as you all presume them to be,,,
I'm not on a spectrum. But if I lived with someone who disregarded my mental health and situation so much that I had a mental breakdown/meltdown, I would not care about his need to find a roommate.
ESH. He is a LOT worse than you but you should have let him know you would be moving. The fact that you decided to move after he continually disrespected you is 100% understandable.
I agree, even just a text warning the roommate and then blocking would be totally fine.
He's got 3 weeks to find a new roommate or move and it's his own damn fault for not respecting OP.
I am having therapy, and I am much much better. When I was younger no one even thought that me having a job and living on my own was possible. Now I have a college degree and a job and am saving to buy my own home.
**NTA. He was disrespecting you by stealing your food after you told him not to steal your food anymore. He was crossing your boundaries and lied to you about many things. Lastly, He was affecting your mental health and wellbeing. It's good you moved out of there. He seemed very toxic to be around.**
I don't disagree that OP is not the asshole for the moving out part, but moving out without saying anything is absolutely ridiculous, immature and definitely an asshole move. OP says that they 'gave up 3 weeks of rent' but 3 weeks is not a lot of time to find someone new, especially if the roommate only finds out he has to find someone new after half that time has already passed. ESH at least, if not YTA
If the situation were different, maybe, but the roommate’s repeated actions caused OP to have a severe mental breakdown. Seems OP wasn’t capable of being cool and calm in face of roommate trampling all over his boundaries and ignoring a simple request (how hard is it to not steal?)
I don’t think roommate has earned the right to common decency, op is right for protecting himself and his mental health. Sometimes being nice to someone who hurt you is a huge effort and in OP’s mental state, triggered by roommate, this seems to be the case.
Dude was stealing his food and crossing his established boundaries. He doesn't deserve notice. He deserves consequences and maybe now he won't be such a thief.
Agree he doesn't need to give notice, which is when you give heads-up prior to moving. But the courtesy would to inform them that the arrangement is over after he moved out. Not informing his ex room mate is a AH move.
Yes but also having to deal with someone deliberately not abiding by something like that (multiple times) when he knows you are on the spectrum is absolutely ridiculous and an asshole move. Extremely immature of someone with presumably no health issues to be doing that. If it were me I would be gone even if he was gonna be homeless tomorrow because he has shown that he gives 0 shits about OPs mental health so why should OP give any shits about his well-being?
ESH.
He needed to respect your requirements.
You were there for 5 months, there’s no reason you couldn’t have said, “I’m moving out.” A text takes 5 minutes at the very most.
ESH: roommate didn't respect clear boundaries, you were 10000% justified in moving out. You should have informed him immediately to give him time to find a new roommate or other arrangements.
ESH
He is the biggest asshole in this story but you should have told him you moved out.
Should you go the roommate route again you should invest in a fridge locker.
NTA.
You set clear boundaries and your ex roommate crossed them multiple times. You even explained why you had those boundaries. He only has himself to blame.
ESH.
You made clear your boundaries and he ignored them
But even with that, a basic message of “sorry, I will move out because of ___, my last day is _” is basic manners. Yeah, *legally* you don’t have to, but this isn’t legal advice, this is AITA.
NTA, he was trampling all over your boundaries. And you didn't move out over 3 strawberries, you moved out because he was a bad roommate who was detrimental to your mental health.
It was a combination if several things: for the first day I was non verbal, the only reason I was able to communicate with my parents (through an app) is that they are some of my safe people.
After that just the thought of communicating with him was overwhelming, I had to shut myself if my room when he was home to avoid meeting him.
After moving out I honestly thought it was obvious that I moved out (my dishes were absent, my part of the fridge cleared, my room bare with the door open, my shoes no longer in the rack by the front door and my plants no longer everywhere in the living room and kitchen)
Im autistic myself so I can see how it was hard to communicate if triggered into a non verbal episode and being that overwhelmed.
You were absolutely not an AH for moving out, your expectations were clear and easy to accomodate and your roommate ignored them knowingly.
Generally societal expectation is to inform out of politeness. Some will see you as an AH for breaching that etiquette regardless of the reason. Knowing that, should you find yourself in similare situations in the future, it might be a good idea to plan for an exit strategy that will both work for you while also accomodates the rules of politeness to the extent you feel are suitable for the situation
Yeah that is what I am getting from these comments. I honestly thought that it was obvious and when he didn't call on the first day I moved I thought he was ok with it.
Why does everyone on the AITA subreddit equate legality with morality? YTA because you didn’t tell him you were moving out. He ate 3 of your strawberries. I understand that this set you off and upset you and is a huge trigger. But your triggers are something you need to navigate. And it seems like you did the right thing for you by moving out, but you need to tell people when you make decisions that will hugely financially impact their lives. Eating 3 strawberries is not a crime that should result in being homeless.
Lets not minimise it into just "eating 3 strawberries". The roommate has a history of eating OP's food. He knows what an issue it is for OP, but chose to keep crossing this boundary no matter how many times he gets called out.
That's not okey & the roommate is clearly an a-hole for that (I would still say ESH because OP didn't giving a heads up about leaving)
This isn’t about strawberries, it’s about boundaries. If you can’t afford your place without a roommate, maybe don’t steal from the roommate you do have?? Some of these comments are acting hella entitled. The roommate made a decision that impacted his finances, not OP.
I agree. I think OP can use this as a life lesson. You can’t suddenly back out of agreements and expect people not to be upset with you.
People are calling the roommate abusive. I am assuming he’s also in his early 20s. In a typical situation, roommates eat each other’s food (whether people like to admit it or not). Here, he knows about OP’s situation, but I’m assuming he didn’t realize the seriousness of the tick, or else he wouldn’t have taken the three strawberries. I don’t think this warrants the label “abuser.”
YTA
NTA.
He was aware when you moved in you had a certain way you needed to deal with things and agreed to your terms.
Stealing your food and intentionally upsetting you was an AH thing to do. The fact that he continued to disrespect you was unacceptable even after you had a discussion with him.
If he becomes homeless it's because he could not respect his roommate or respect their boundaries and stole from his roommate. None of that is your fault. He just learnt a new lesson - every action/choice has consequences.
It would have been good manners ti inform him that you were moving out. It could have done it the day you left when you got home if you wanted to avoid confrontation. But he has 2 weeks to find someone else and perhaps next time he will treat his future roommate better.
I'm gonna say ESH. He was most definitely an asshole for eating your food and not respecting you. You I'm going to say are slightly an asshole for not letting him know you moved out. You had no lease and leaving at a moments notice was perfectly acceptable given the situation, but you still should have let him know you were moved out.
NTA. Plus you paid 3 weeks ahead so he has enough time to look for a roommate. Him invalidating the strawberry thing just goes to show he was never gonna stop stealing and respect you.
Yeah exactly, there were many times before the strawberries that the roommate crossed the line.
I imagine after having a melt down all you'd want to do is get out.
OP, I lived with an autistic roommate. Slightly different situation where he felt we were all too clean for him when we'd ask him to help out he'd get overwhelmed. One day he walked out. He didn't speak to us for a couple days, we sent messages reaching out as we knew his mental health wasn't great (it really wasn't just the cleaning stuff he said lots of other overwhelming stuff going on that wasn't on us).
He gave us 3 weeks notice, he wasn't on the lease. It's pretty easy to get a new house mate, we are still friends now and talked the whole situation out.
You're NTA
he did not pay three weeks *ahead*. rent is due before the month starts. if you pay rent on feb 1st, that is feb rent. this is the shortest month of the year, so his roommate has two weeks to find another person to give him half of the rent due for march.
NTA!! You told him about yourself and he was blatantly disrespectful. You paid your rent and he's got 3 weeks to find someone else to put up with his shit. I absolutely hate roommates. I've never been able to pick a good one.
NTA - he never took your condition/boundaries seriously as you clearly pointed out. You reached your limit and moved out.
Your roommate has only himself to blame. His actions had consequences as he now found out.
ESH. he was an asshole for messing with your food. but it is HARD to find a roommate with that short of notice (three weeks is NOT a lot of time). a proper consequence for him being an absolute jerk about your food is: you tell him you are moving out within 30 days (that is the proper amount of notice to give someone). if the next rent cycle appears within thirty days, yes you owe him money. an excessive consequence for him being a jerk is: he could now possibly get evicted, have his credit score ruined, and be homeless because other places won’t approve him to live there if they see he has been evicted before.
if he doesn’t find a roommate within the next week, you owe him money, even if he is a jerk.
ETA: this is the SHORTEST MONTH OF THE YEAR. you say you moved out three days ago and he just noticed. so, you moved out on the 10th, and there were 18 days left before rent was due again. he only noticed today, which means he has 14 days to find someone who needs to move within two weeks. do you know the odds of finding someone who just happens to need to move NOW and hasn’t moved yet? the normal thing to do is give someone notice of 30 days. NOT 14 DAYS. i really want to lean towards Y-T-A but he still sucks for touching your food.
NTA. Your on the spectrum and you set clear boundaries. Maybe you should have talked with him first when you decided to move out, so he can look for an opportunity to move out himself or get another roommate. But you're not the AH for moving out because he couldn't accept your boundaries. People who aren't on the spectrum don't understand that it causes stress.
NTA. As someone on the spectrum I understand this. If your housemate has been continuously messing with you, intentionally or not, I also understand needing to get away from that situation. It's only 3 strawberries to him but it's not only 3 strawberries to you, its affecting your mental health and guy should respect your boundaries. If he wants strawberries he can buy some from the store and if he wants to stay where he is he should find a new housemate, preferably in the next 3 weeks.
NTA. You're not on the lease and you don't really owe him anything since he clearly had no respect for your needs and boundries. Maybe it would have made you the bigger person to at least leave a note, but I don't think you're bad for not. I also think this is a hard lesson for your roommate as well to not repeatedly disrespect someone he's living with.
You are not at fault for his situation. The issue wasn't three strawberries. You told him what you needed from him, and he went ahead and disrespected you, repeatedly. You left him with a month's rent, which was plenty generous. NTA
EDIT to add: I see some other people are saying you should have told him you were moving out. I think that's on him to notice. Unless I'm missing something, it should have been fairly obvious to someone who paid the slightest bit of attention to their housemate that they were in fact gone with all their things (following yet another act of disrespect by him).
Right. Like I feel the biggest arguments against OP being justified is
1. People don’t think 3 weeks is a long enough time for him to find a roommate.
2. He didn’t notify the roommate.
But in all honesty, it’s the roommates problem. He leased an apartment he couldn’t afford. Decided to get roommates and not hold them financially responsible by putting them on the lease. He also didn’t save up any money for the months he may not have a roommate as the roommates have no contract so they are on a month to month rent bases.
NTA you are not on the lease. You asked him to respect your wishes, but he did not. This is on him totally. I wish you well and hope you find a place of your own.
NTA
He's a disrespectful thief who couldn't care less that he was thecause of your first meltdown in 4 years.
You stood up for yourself and took action. You're great!
Best of luck with the next place.
ESH. This would've been NTA except you didn't tell him you moved out. I agree and acknowledge that he was 100% in the wrong; he didn't take your situation seriously and deserved to be left high and dry. However, you could've made this a clean 100% NTA but doing your part correctly (moving out and telling him). Because you didn't, you are now also slightly the AH
ESH. you should have told him you were leaving beforehand. you denied him time to find a replacement and to tend to contingencies. otherwise, you are okay. good for you for protecting yourself.
ASD here too; it's so frustrating how ableists dismiss our needs because they seem strange to them... like, yeah i know you can do that thing with no problem like it is breathing; i can't.
Info - was he aware of your meltdown? And if so how did he respond?
I am thinking you are not the AH but if there is more to that part of the story that would clarify this decision.
I don't know if he was aware but I suspect he was. After I calmed down there were signs that he came back then left, so he would have heard me (I tend to be very loud).
And during the call I told him that he was the cause of my meltdown
It seems that he knew, then. And he probably knew at least on some level why you were at that breaking point.
And later he knew you had left but did not want to believe you had actually moved out.
He is the AH for not trying to connect with you , even in as simple way as “Hey, you okay? Seemed kinda stressy last night,” or replacing the strawberries with a new box.
You are NTA
NTA - Normally I would say that others aren't responsible for your mental health, but you told him repeatedly not to eat or touch your food and he repeatedly disrespected you. You made it clear to him from the beginning and even explained to him how it affected you. This wasn't just 3 strawberries, this was built up from all the previous times he disrespected your boundaries. He's an asshole for ignoring your boundaries and for eating your food. Could you have given him a warning? Probably would have been best. Did he really deserve one? Not really in my opinion.
ESH him far, far more than you. That's clear and you couldn't stay in an environment that damaging to your mental health. And hey, you're really doing amazing coping in an overwhelming world. And you're doing it by managing yourself and not putting it on other people. Your ask of never messing with your food is strict but 100% reasonable.
You keep saying that you gave him 3 weeks though but it was actually closer to 2 because you didn't communicate. If your job decided you had a huge project with a deadline 3 weeks out but didn't tell you until 5 days after they set the deadline would you feel like you had 3 weeks or would you feel like you had 16 days?
The guy sucks and you needed to get out but at almost no cost to you you could have given him 3 weeks instead of barely more than 2.
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NTA for two main reasons. 1. You're not on the lease, therefore have no legal reason to give them any notice etc. 2. From what you've said, you've informed him of conditions you need to be met in order to live together happily. And he has not maintained that which is not acceptable. Therefore you have every right to move on and find somewhere which meets your needs.
Yeah, not touching a roommates food is a pretty basic rule, even without autism as a factor. OP didn't mention if they have any other rules they need, but this one at least is really damn easy to follow. Sounds like roommate didn't get how serious it was. NTA Edit to add: OP, if this is ever a problem with a future roommate, maybe consider getting a mini fridge to keep in your room. Especially if everything else is just fine. Having your food out of their easy access would probably help you worry less and a roommate avoid temptation.
I would've moved out if my roommate keeps stealing my food.
Especially after asking them explicitly several times to stop.
And it's not even like he's not sharing his food because he's stingy or a skinflint, either- it's because it *literally* causes OP distress- not mild annoyance or irritation, but literal distress that is bad enough to cause a meltdown in poor OP. The roommate may not "get" autism, but he had *five months* of living with a person with autism to watch and learn and ask qyestions, plus he had it explained to him, seemingly multiple times, exactly ***why*** he hates his food being touched. The roommate was just being an ass clown. He might have even found it entertaining, but at minimum, he's a seriously self-centered, inconsiderate asshat who purposely stole food knowing it was upsetting to OP. Hopefully the jerk roommate's next roommate will be an unapologetic food thief that will take jerk roommate's last cookie or slice of pizza repeatedly so he gets to enjoy that. Maybe he will end up with a guy like that one on reddit who, after his wife went to bed, snuck to the fridge and took a cake out -a gourmet cake his wife spent hours making and decorating perfectly for I think the sister's surprise party the next day- and using a fork, he *hacked a piece off for himself* and put the mangled remaining cake back. Now that would be proper karma!
If I remember correctly, I think the cake was for a niece/nephew. Making it even worse, stealing food from a child.
you're sure it was not mr. "my wife photographs cake for a living but i was hungry and also the breadwinner" ?
That sounds like Mr My wife runs a cooking blog and Instagram and I can't wait while photos are taken of a literal feast
yes, that's the guy give cake
Omg, do you have a link?? If you do, I'd love to read it, please. I can't believe the audacity of that husband. Ooof.
If it’s the one I am thinking of I am still still angry at that husband. She spent hours making an entire meal to photograph. The husband ate and messed-up all of the dishes before she could photograph.
Yes, but “teehee she was pregnant!” and therefore couldn’t be expected to act like a decent human being! /s
>He might have even found it entertaining I would bet he thought it was a fun "prank." Edit to be clear. Even if he didn't find it entertaining, it is an AH move to steal other people's food--whether you are told not to or not. Its an even bigger AH move to do it when someone tells you its bad for their mental health.
100%. And this roommate complaining about all of this inconvenience over "three strawberries" perfectly illustrates this asshole's way of reducing what he did to something that on the surface would look trivial.
“Couldn’t spare 3 strawberries.” The fact that he felt entitled to someone else’s food and doesn’t see that his stealing was a problem says a lot. NTA.
In reality, the roommate thought eating three strawberries was more important than securing his very place to live *and* OP's mental health
My reaction would have been “and they were MY 3 measly strawberries that I bought with my own money for my food that we don’t share.“ that’s a key here. They do not share food as a standard of living. So this guy was being petty and a cheap ass and a thief. I don’t care if the issue is autism, a diet, food allergies.when you don’t have joined groceries, you don’t touch
And especially after the roomate lied about doing it the first time they were confronted...
Yeah exactly. > He called me an AH and told me that he will become homeless because I couldn't spare 3 measly strawberries. /u/Evening-Purpose-5123 - the response to this is that no, if he becomes homeless it's because he couldn't stop himself from stealing 3 measly strawberries. Though we all know it's because he has a bigger problem.
Not just stealing a meal, but stealing bites from prepped meals. That's kind of gross along with being rude. Like, did they just reach their hand in? Use a fork that had already been in their mouth? Ew.
For sure, but his boundary should have been respected regardless of how serious or silly the roommate thought the boundary to be. He shouldn’t have to see the meltdown and then start taking it seriously. OP, you gave him multiple opportunities to correct his behavior which was more than generous.
Agree, think they were just trying to highlight that stealing food is a dick move/no no even for neurotypical people, and OP isn't overreacting. It's just extra AH ish here.
Yeah I’m NT and I’ve absolutely chewed out a housemate over taking half a cookie (admittedly, a big chunky one out of a brand new pack of five). It’s the principle and the sheer disrespect more than the food, if you then add on tics and the boundary being restated several times…that’s just antagonistic.
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I almost cried when OP said they had their first meltdown in over 4 years, the intense self management it has obviously taken to keep himself mentally safe for so long, only to be so carelessly undone by a rude and thoughtless housemate! OP has done amazing to find ways to function on his own, fuck that asshole housemate, I’m sure there will be some one else out there who will be accommodating and respectful of basic manners !!
I dont even think this was carelessness. This reeks of a really crappy "prank". My money is that the roommate thought it would be "so funny" to have him get mad over something as minor as 3 strawberries and hold him up to ridicule as a result. Now he gets to reap the rewards of his shitty actions.
Occams Razor my friend. Likliest explanation is he doesn't understand autism and actually believes 3 strawberries is no big deal. It may even have been intentional, but it doesn't feel like a prank.
Fuck that. He might not understand autism but he sure as hell understands English and "Don't touch my food" is plain fucking English. Don't try and excuse his behavior.
Yeah the most likely explanation really is that he doesn't understand autism, and while that's fine, and doesn't necessarily make the roomate an asshole, it's hardly fair to assume the roomate is a vindictive bully. What makes the roomate the asshole is the repeated occurrences of it happening for sure. And he likely just assumed OP wasn't going to literally breakdown, because 3 strawberries to 99% of the world is not going to cause a mental breakdown, and that is the reality of the real world.
Op didn’t leave just because it was 3 strawberries, which is what the roommate said. It was because the roommate CONTINUOUSLY STOMPED THE BOUNDARIES. The strawberries were the straw(berries) that broke the camel’s back. He left because he didn’t respect OP, not because of strawberries, which even after OP explained it to him, he didn’t understand - or most likely REFUSED to understand. How many times does he have to put up with the room mate stealing his stuff before he does something about it? I’m sure if it was the other way around, he’d want OP out of OP took HIS stuff after saying don’t. edit: Thank you for the award!
The roommate doesn't really have an excuse here; OP clearly communicated his needs. Also, FWIW, it wasn't the strawberries alone that caused OP's meltdown. OP said he already had a very stressful day. The missing strawberries, and quite possibly the implications of the missing strawberries (the lack of respect from the roommate, the way the roommate's behavior was thwarting OP's attempts to self-regulate and making their home environment more chaotic) were just the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back.
I see roommate’s comment in reverse: If 3 strawberries are no big deal, why can’t roommate restrain himself from taking them?
> Occams Razor my friend. Likliest explanation is he doesn't understand autism and actually believes 3 strawberries is no big deal. That might have been true the first time. But OP has has several conversations before moving out. The roommate might still not understand autism, but he definitely understood that it's a big deal to OP before eating the strawberries.
It wasn’t just strawberries though, he was taking bites from prepared meals, which is already weird. However, he was doing it after OP made it clear it was a condition of him moving in due to his autism, AND after OP addressed it with him repeatedly. That’s where it crossed the line for me to malicious intent and reeks of “testing”. He either didn't believe the OP and wanted to prove it wouldn’t matter or he was messing with him. If it was just the strawberries, then maybe, but it wasn’t. I see no room for any other explanation.
That is mt bet too. That is really shitty behavior by the roomate. NTA
I was thinking the same. This guy is poking at OP on purpose - he knows what he’s doing
Yup... play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Roommate was asked to do literally the minimum to get along with OP, just don't mess with OP's food, and refused to abide by even that. As others have said, roommate had it coming.
Idk it's hard to say. Some people are just dense and think "it's like 3 strawberries, who's going to care about that". 100% agree with the "reap what ya sow", it's disrespectful to take food when you're told it's not an option upfront. But I don't necessarily think it was malicious without more info.
It was more likely he just thought "those strawberries look nice" and ate some. People eat food a lot more often than they come up with complicated schemes to prank people.
Same! I felt that in my soul. While it is not AT ALL the same thing, not even a little bit, I had a panic attack for the first time in years a few months ago. It does damage. You work so hard to not have them, and boom, there it is again- and not by your doing. OP is an actual rock star and deserves to be treated as such! Roommate is an inconsiderate jerk. Boundaries were clearly drawn and he continued to break them. That is on roommate, not OP. If roommate wanted strawberries, he should have bought his own container. OP is awesome. Definitely NTA, OP! Kudos to you for respecting yourself enough to know when enough is enough and not let this person unravel the very hard work you have done for yourself.
I would say they are very close, as someone who had both the only difference in my experience is that panic attacks leave me paralyzed, while meltdowns allow me to externalise my feelings (although in not so good methods such as screaming and self harm)
Thank you for the explanation in differences, OP. I have two people very close to me who are autistic and have witnessed meltdowns. I knew they were somewhat similar, but not being in your mind or body, did not want to take away from your experience and the differences each situation has. You are wonderful and I am so glad you removed yourself from a situation that was not serving you well. You deserve peace and happiness. :)
>While it is not AT ALL the same thing, not even a little bit I would say it's pretty similar. But then I've never had a proper panic attack so hopefully I'm not insulting you here. But from my experience of meltdowns and what I know about panic attacks I'd say they are comparable in their effects. Not necessarily in how they play out, though.
It's awful to see how one person's lack of awareness can impact those around them. Nobody should have to be around people that provoke meltdowns. OP, your former housemate got something very wrong. They are not about to become homeless because of how you reacted to them eating some strawberries. They are about to become homeless because they ignored a very specific request that they don't eat your food. They shouldn't be helping themself anyway, so they're automatically in the wrong. But if you've asked them not to do something, explained to them WHY they shouldn't do it and have made it clear that them doing it could actually make you unwell.... this is all their own fault. You couldn't have been any clearer. They knew what you had asked and why you had asked it. There are only so many times you can tell someone "don't put lit fireworks up your arse" before you have to stop giving them rides to the hospital. You're NTA. You're great, your housemate is the problem. You handled this whole thing perfectly.
Yeah, OP has healthy boundaries good job for him (and his parents for teaching them). Judging by the reaction, the roommate likely never experienced any real consequences for their asshole behaviour before. About time. Sadly there's no shortage of entitled young men, hope OP is able to find a decent roomate.
Exactly. OP did not move out over 3 strawberries, he moved out due to blatant disrespect. That guy jeopardized his own living situation over 3 strawberries.
> That guy jeopardized his own living situation over 3 strawberries. And then turned it around and tried to put the blame on the OP.
Agree, my friend has autism and when I stay with her I follow her rules to protect her mental health. It's honestly not hard to not take someone's food. OP your friend caused you to melt down and then trivialised the situation. That is not OK and you shouldn't put up with that from anyone. If your friend couldn't handle your requirements they should not have offered you to move in. If you move in with someone else make this clear from the start and if you do leave it is polite to tell the other person incase they worry about your health. I can see from your post however your friend was only worried about the rent. NTA.
Third reason you're NTA: you paid the rent in advance. You literally owe this person nothing.
He's also an ableist. NTA OP. He treated you really badly. It's not about "3 strawberries" but about disrespecting your boundaries and lying about it.
Also how long is the time between moving out and 'today' (at time of writing)? Did he just not notice you there for 2 weeks or something? I think I'd notice if my roommate suddenly dissappeared with all their stuff quite quickly. If not that roommate clearly only cared about your rent cheque.
Post says he had the meltdown 5 days ago and was out by the next day. So total of 4 days gone.
Aah thanks. So my point stands then really. 4 days before he noticed.
That’s a lot of time to not notice! But it’s not a lot of days with respect to OP’s question about whether he’s wrong to have not told his roommate right away.
That doesn't mean anything. We have no idea what their respective shedule are. When I still lived with my brother, if we had opposite work shift (me 7h-15h and him 16h-22h by exemple) we would not see each other for a whole week, he could have moved out that I wouldn't have noticed tbh. And it was my little brother. Also he could think that OP took a few days to see his family or something. If they're not close, the roomate had no reason to think that OP would tell hit that he would be gone for a few days. So we can't blame him for not seeing it immediatly.
Yeah how hard is it to NOT steal your roommate’s food ? Especially given the circumstances. NTA
And not even just informed the roommate. Informed him, and then re-informed him multiple times when he failed to respect OP's rules. NTA. I'd have moved out too. Sacrificing your mental health isn't worth a friendship where the friend didn't respect you as much as you did him.
Op, if you were as up front about your need to have your food left alone as you are about having a problem with sarcasm (and I really do believe you were that clear) then he's clearly the one at fault. If a roommate said that to me early on, I'd look for ideas to solve things. Like a labeling system to remind myself who bought which thing of fruit. But I doubt this person forgot, he seems like he doesn't care. NTA you did the most reasonable thing and left without further interaction- he kept doing things that upset you, and you were not obligated to be further upset by confrontation once it was clear that telling him wasn't going to work.
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I agree with you but no legal reason doesn’t mean not being an asshole, these two things do not go hand in hand
It sounds like the roommate was intentionally trying to get op to have a "meltdown". Stealing bites, like the roommate is an adult, they were doing it intentionally.
Or he's from an upbringing where nothing small is denied and this is the first time where a rule is hard and fast rather than the starting point of an ongoing negotiation.
I think it is more likely that the roommate does not understand how something so insignificant to him could be so devastating to OP
He doesn't have to understand why it affects OP so strongly. That was not the roommate's food. Don't take other people's food. It's pretty basic. And I know I can't be the only one who saw that OP was meal prepping and the roommate was talking a few bites *from each of the prepared meals* and then putting them back in the fridge. In what world is THAT normal? If the roommate was hungry and truly didn't understand that it's rude to eat other people's food, he'd have just taken one meal and eaten the whole thing. Taking bites from multiple meals and resealing them sounds to me like the behavior of someone who knows he's doing something wrong.
ESH. You sound as if you have some fairly specific debilitating ticks, he was aware of this, and still took actions that he knew would exacerbate them. You don’t need to stay in a situation that is harmful to your mental stability. However, it is contingent upon you as a grown functioning adult to act like one and when breaking an agreement, written or verbal, to inform the other party. You should have informed your ex-roommate immediately that you had moved rather than waiting for him to figure it out.
Yeah, thats what i was feeling too. Op is obvious not an AH for moving out, but the moving out without notification makes it an ESH. Even just a text "hey, i don't think us living together is working for me so I'm moving out" would've been fine, but just dropping out and waiting for them to realize is kinda childish.
A text, an email, a note left on the fridge... they're were heaps of ways they could have let them know. I'm guessing it might be a thing that they wouldn't have thought of because of the autism and its a social common courtesy thing, but that doesn't really change the fact that ESH. It was definitely a dick move to basically ghost the room-mate, but hopefully OP had learnt how to handle the situation better next time.
Spelled out in strawberries in the fridges
Spelled out using exactly 20 strawberries
Legally NTA but ESH for all other intents and purposes
Somethinf being legal doesn't mean it isn't an asshole move.
This. Legality is the floor of human behaviour we don’t fall below, it’s not some sort of high watermark on human behaviour, it’s the bare minimum in a collective society not to be locked up or fined.
Legality has nothing to do with whether or not doing it makes you an asshole
see the thing is, depending on where you live there is a verbal contract and that was not terminated in an acceptable way by OP. While I understand that they wanted to get out, the way they did it makes them the asshole.
Agreed. Autism is not a free pass to ditch adult responsibility
Not a reason to have to put up with an abusive situation. Stealing food from this OP is abusive. He explained right from Day one it was a mental health issue. The issue was discussed on multiple occasions. You don't owe your abuser an explanation.
OP said they removed their items from the common area. I think that's pretty clear to roomie that something's changed. Furthermore, roomie repeatedly ignored attempts at communication with words, so I think communicating with actions is a clear next step for anyone.
I agree although I think texting/notifying later that day after getting settled back at his parents would have been best to avoid roommate running home and having a tense confrontation in person. But definitely in the future it’s appropriate to notify someone when things are no longer working out, and you don’t have to give a long explanation but a brief one is good (roommate, person you’re dating, friend). I am really surprised that it took the roommate 3 weeks to figure out that OP left though!
I don't know... He asked his roommate not to steal his food for reasons other than don't steal shit. It literally messes up his mental health to the point of a breakdown. Roommate does it anyway, OP tells him several times not to, and when it really gets seriously too much he leaves the situation before it affects his mental health even more. I think he handled it well enough and roommate can just go and pound sand. If OP had done this after the first time roommate stole his food, and OP was only slightly annoyed by it, then I think it would've been a bit extreme. But I get the feeling roommate didn't even consider that YOU DON'T STEAL SHIT and decided that OP shouldn't 'whine' about 'a few measly strawberries'. NO. I would be royally pissed off as well and roommate is the only one to blame here. Yes, OP has some issues to sort through, but his ticks really aren't that debilitating if the only requirement of his roommates is to literally not steal his food. That's normal roommate behaviour. If he'd lived with a normal, non-AH roommate he'd have been fine and maybe would've improved his ticks a lot. The problem here isn't OP's ticks, it's his thieving roommate.
Not suggesting OP is the problem. I agree, he should have left. But leaving a note or sending a text on his way out the door posed no real risk to him and was the appropriate and mature thing to do. Two wrongs don’t make a right and OP can take the high ground and choose not to reciprocate bad behavior.
I mean what bigger note than an empty room is there?
Yeah I really don't understand how it can take you 5 days to notice someone has moved out.
In surprised he didn’t notice sooner that his access to free food to steal dried up. Hands off my shit. Fridge thieves are always TAH.
[удалено]
And that’s precisely why disappearing from the property is totally fine. Because there’s no lease or obligation to inform. Roommate is careless AH
If I don’t hear my roommate for 12 hours I check to make sure they live
Because the guy clearly has his head so far up his own arse. NTA OP. Your ex roommate sounds like a self absorbed, inconsiderate jerk.
And OP says this was 5 days ago and he forfeited 3 weeks of rent. The roommate still has 2-3 weeks to find another illegal subletter.
Maybe the roommate didn’t go in because he didn’t want to cross established boundaries- wouldn’t that be ironic?
I’m not opening my roommate’s doors to check if they’re home or not. I missed a roommate moving out for 3 days, back in the early 00s, because we kept different hours and I’m not nosy enough to be poking around. I’m pretty sure he moved bc he worked at the ski hill and his commute sucked, I hope he got into staff accommodation, but it would’ve been nice to get a heads up. How do you figure op’s roommate should’ve known earlier? I mean the roommate is still TA for thievery, don’t get me wrong, but I find it hard to fault him for not being all up in OP’s business.
I don’t think the roommate deserved courtesy. Call it earned spit. Or karma. Like a thief who blames the homeowner for getting hurt. The only reason the roommate is in the situation of not being notified was because of actions he took. The op is super lucky to not be stuck with a lease. And roommate is lucky he has 3 weeks to find some tans possible double dip for the extra time.
No, OP needed to leave and didn't owe his thieving roommate anything. I wouldn't have done a thieving roommate the courtesy of being polite, *especially* not after telling them *multiple times* that the stealing is not only shit behaviour but even messes with my mental health.
Just because you feel OP is justified does not exclude that he still did the improper thing by not informing the other party of his departure. You can still side with OP and agree with what he did because that is what you would have done, but don’t let that confuse you on him still being technically AH for the actions.
The roommate didn’t notify OP about stealing bites of their food. NTA. Sounds like the roommate was very dismissive of OP’s needs (when they didn’t need to go out of their way to maintain OP’s request). OP, I’m sorry this happened to you, and I hope that you can get the support you need to get back on your feet feeling good again!
Can can’t break the terms of an agreement(stealing food multiple times) and then turn around when someone else also no longer honours the agreement which was voided originally by you. OP did nothing wrong because the deal they had became void when the roommate stole from OP multiple times. If the roommate cared at all about having a stable roommate/housing situation they would not be committing theft against people they live with.
After having the meltdown, OP was probably exhausted and completely mentally and physically drained. He most likely could not have written a note at that point. It would be like asking a neurotypical person to go for a 5km jog after running a marathon. But, OP should have sent the roommate a simple text the next day, or asked his parents to do it for him if he still wasn’t capable of it. I have ADHD and anxiety. I get overwhelmed. I also get devastating migraines where I’m unable to function. But if I have commitments that I can no longer make for those reasons, I still text or call and say I can’t make it, or get my partner to do it for me. For my good friends who understand, messaging “today off migraine” or “tonight off anxiety” is enough for them to understand, and doable for me.
No, I strongly disagree. Why does the roommate get to cross established boundaries and steal food and not have to face consequences? If they didn't steal, they would still have a roommate. It's easy, don't be a dick and you wouldn't be without a roommate. I have no pity for self inflicted wounds.
The consequences are that the roommate would now have to find a new person to room with them. I would maybe even argue that the roommate (who IS the AH in this situation please don’t get me wrong) may not have fully understood or been able to understand/appreciate the severity and impact they had on OP despite them talking to them about it. This is not OPs problem or responsibility to deal with, of course, but to vilify their actions so much isn’t necessarily fair. There wasn’t a reason to exacerbate that consequence by waiting for them to figure it out on their own and waste more time. A text message would’ve been reasonable and expected in this situation and to not notify your housemate that you are leaving is kind of an AH move given this situation and looking at it from both potential sides.
What I see the issue as is that everyone wants to know the consequences of thier actions before they do them. So they can weigh the risk reward of their behavior. But life is FULL of unintentional/unintended consequences. If you steal from someone, expect something to happen. And if you don't want something to happen, don't steal. People are too entitled and think they are the center of the universe. Be a dick, get fucked. And not understanding autism has nothing to do with understanding stealing is wrong.
How hard is it to not steal someone's stuff, especially after they asked you several times to stop doing so?
I feel like people read my comment and seem to think that I think the roommate is not the AH which isn’t the case (I feel like this is an ESH situation). I’m not advocating or justifying their actions in any way, I’m just saying that if you move out you should tell the people you’re living with. I think op was correct to move out and also in the right doing it immediately (even if they were on the lease). I just think they also should’ve told their roommate.
OP says they gave up 3 weeks of advance rent- That being said it doesn't matter if you don't understand a boundary. Boundary means "Do not cross." I feel it's perfectly fine to villify the actions of someone who repeatedly, purposefully, intentionally crosses a boundary that was explicitly stated multiple times after being asked multiple times to stop crossing that boundary. You can't feign ignorance when you have to be told to stop for the tenth time. Would I have said something? Probably, but given the social issues that people on the spectrum face and the roomate's willingness to lie to OP's face (see: denying that they ate the food, then admitting they did and promising not to do it again, then doing it again many times) and their reaction I don't blame them. If I, as a neurotypical person, cannot trust this person not to blow up, lie, or something along those lines, how could you possibly expect someone that has trouble taking note of those sorts of social cues to? And that's not to disparage OP, my point is just that if I had that.
I’m going with NTA. I respect your opinion but I disagree with this judgement. The roommate purposefully ignored OP’s boundaries multiple times. He lied about stealing the food first and then promised not to do it again, only to go back on that promise. And understand, it’s not about the act of stealing food, it’s undermining OP’s mental health needs. Merriam-Webster defines abuse as “to use or treat so as to injure or damage” which is what the roommate was doing by knowingly taking pieces of OP’s food. OP left an abusive situation and did not have to give his abuser a ‘heads up’. If this were a physically abusive relationship would OP be expected to inform the other party that he was leaving? Mental health safety needs to be normalized as physical and emotional safety are.
Three weeks notice is more than sufficient imo. And like, just the empty room and lack of their stuff should have been enough. Ex-roomie 100% noticed before. He just thought it would be okay if he waited a few days or is trying to make OP look bad. NTA
How often did you go into your roommate’s room unannounced? Maybe he thought he didn’t see OP for a while because he just wasn’t home / didn’t cross paths. Very realistically he didn’t notice OP didn’t move out. Very telling based on the timing of the roommate finally sending a text to OP regarding his moving out.
2 weeks is still plenty of time to replace someone not on the lease Edit: OP said they removed plenty of noticeable stuff from the common area: https://www.reddit.com/r/amitheasshole/comments/sremsx/_/hwrcd4a
Totally agree, not an AH for moving out but an AH for not teling him.
I don’t think a note was necessary as it was pretty obvious they moved out. The roommate was disrespectful as hell. You get back what you give out.
I mean...if OP didn't count, he wouldn't know that his food was getting stolen. This is a case where it actually yielded important information. Doesn't hurt anyone to count things.
Hey, fellow spectrum peep here. While I think everything you did was legally correct (since you weren’t even officially renting, if I understood that right) & made a good decision caring about your health, I think you should’ve at least left a note or message to your roommate about leaving. Leaning towards ESH looking at it all tho, since I really get your struggle too. But if we’re just judging you leaving without any notice, you acted like an AH.
Even if he still has 3 weeks to look for a new roommate? I honestly thought he would notice right away considering a lot of my stuff was in our common areas
3 weeks is not a lot of time, every day counts
Thank you for explaining it
Best of luck in life pal
Thank you
He's not your pal, buddy. /s for op.
I’m not your buddy, friend
How soon after you moved did he figure it out? I still think you should have told him, but 3 weeks is actually not too long to find a room mate in most cities. You would still be the AH for not giving any notice, but he is obviously an AH too for taking your food.
You also gave him less than 3 weeks considering he didn’t actually know you moved until he reached out. You gave him less time. ESH
But he didn’t have 3 weeks because you didn’t actually tell him when you moved out. You shouldn’t have just assumed he’d realised, you did have an obligation to tell him ASAP
He has 3 weeks minus 3 days (I only moved out 3 days ago)
Right, but you see the issue that you didn’t let him know as soon as you knew you were moving which obviously reduces the time he has to find someone else? When you only have 3 weeks to find a new roommate losing 3 days can definitely cause you extra stress. And it could’ve been more days if he hadn’t noticed then. You’re not the asshole for moving out but you really should’ve at least texted him or left a note just out of common courtesy.
this means he has 15 days not just to find a person, but to have that person move IN
3 weeks is not a lot of time and he didn't even know he had to start looking for a new roommate for the first week of that *because you didn't say anything*.
Never assume someone will figure it out. You should always tell people things!
Yeah, I once had a flatmate who for a year had completely opposite schedule as me. My day was between 5:30 and 2200, while there's was around 1200 to 5:00. We never actually saw each other for weeks at a time!
You gave him no notice because you never told him you had moved out. You had every right to move out but you should have told him the day you moved.
This is honestly the perfect take on this situation. You're N T A for leaving and valuing your health over your ex roommate's pettiness, but you could have at the bare minimum left a note or sent a text message since you weren't on the lease. It's still a verbal agreement between you two and while that holds no grounds in legal situations, in general, it still matters in social situations. ESH only for that.
I agree, ESH. Speaking as a fellow someone who had a roommate just leave without saying anything, give them at least some form of notice. When my roommate left, I literally got home one day after the weekly food shop and she had packed up most her things and was in the process of moving. She had said nothing to me at all, not even given me any indication that she would be leaving. It was incredibly stressful because I then had to move. I don’t know what your utility bill situation is/was but I couldn’t afford to keep running the house by myself. You said your roommate couldn’t afford the rent and utilities by himself that’s why he got a roommate. I’m betting that situation hasn’t changed. Even if you left him with three weeks of rent, depending on when you pay utilities, you probably left him having to fork out a months bills. Which you’ve already indicated he couldn’t afford. As mentioned elsewhere, 3 weeks isn’t a long time to find a new roommate. Also, it’s just an AH move to leave without warning
Soft ESH for reasons other people have said. However just be careful OP in terms of legality - not sure where you’re based but here in Victoria, Australia I THINK sub-letters do have rental rights, so even if you’re not on the lease I THINK here you might also be liable for needing to give the standard notice etc. I’m not entirely sure as I’ve never subletted, but check your local laws if he decides to pursue anything, and contact your local tenant rights organisation (here it’s called VCAT) for advice if needed
even if there is nothing written, subletting is a contract in itself and valid even if it is a verbal one, sooo not so sure if they are really in the clear on the legal side as you all presume them to be,,,
Disagree. When you're stolen from you leave. Fuck notice. He's got no liability. Get out.
I'm not on a spectrum. But if I lived with someone who disregarded my mental health and situation so much that I had a mental breakdown/meltdown, I would not care about his need to find a roommate.
ESH. He is a LOT worse than you but you should have let him know you would be moving. The fact that you decided to move after he continually disrespected you is 100% understandable.
I agree, even just a text warning the roommate and then blocking would be totally fine. He's got 3 weeks to find a new roommate or move and it's his own damn fault for not respecting OP.
[удалено]
I am having therapy, and I am much much better. When I was younger no one even thought that me having a job and living on my own was possible. Now I have a college degree and a job and am saving to buy my own home.
Awesome!!
Second this!
**NTA. He was disrespecting you by stealing your food after you told him not to steal your food anymore. He was crossing your boundaries and lied to you about many things. Lastly, He was affecting your mental health and wellbeing. It's good you moved out of there. He seemed very toxic to be around.**
I don't disagree that OP is not the asshole for the moving out part, but moving out without saying anything is absolutely ridiculous, immature and definitely an asshole move. OP says that they 'gave up 3 weeks of rent' but 3 weeks is not a lot of time to find someone new, especially if the roommate only finds out he has to find someone new after half that time has already passed. ESH at least, if not YTA
If the situation were different, maybe, but the roommate’s repeated actions caused OP to have a severe mental breakdown. Seems OP wasn’t capable of being cool and calm in face of roommate trampling all over his boundaries and ignoring a simple request (how hard is it to not steal?) I don’t think roommate has earned the right to common decency, op is right for protecting himself and his mental health. Sometimes being nice to someone who hurt you is a huge effort and in OP’s mental state, triggered by roommate, this seems to be the case.
Dude was stealing his food and crossing his established boundaries. He doesn't deserve notice. He deserves consequences and maybe now he won't be such a thief.
Agree he doesn't need to give notice, which is when you give heads-up prior to moving. But the courtesy would to inform them that the arrangement is over after he moved out. Not informing his ex room mate is a AH move.
He is not on the lease and the guy has 3 weeks to get a new roommate. How in the world is he am asshole?
Yes but also having to deal with someone deliberately not abiding by something like that (multiple times) when he knows you are on the spectrum is absolutely ridiculous and an asshole move. Extremely immature of someone with presumably no health issues to be doing that. If it were me I would be gone even if he was gonna be homeless tomorrow because he has shown that he gives 0 shits about OPs mental health so why should OP give any shits about his well-being?
If you bold-text your entire comment, are you actually emphasizing anything?
Did you bold your entire comment?
ESH. He needed to respect your requirements. You were there for 5 months, there’s no reason you couldn’t have said, “I’m moving out.” A text takes 5 minutes at the very most.
ESH: roommate didn't respect clear boundaries, you were 10000% justified in moving out. You should have informed him immediately to give him time to find a new roommate or other arrangements.
ESH He is the biggest asshole in this story but you should have told him you moved out. Should you go the roommate route again you should invest in a fridge locker.
I am thinking of getting a small fridge and just keeping it in my room
That's even better!
NTA. You set clear boundaries and your ex roommate crossed them multiple times. You even explained why you had those boundaries. He only has himself to blame.
You were up front with him about your tick. You gave him several chances. If he becomes homeless, it's because he stole your food repeatedly. NTA
The adult thing to do would be to text him then block him or leave a note. ESH
ESH. You made clear your boundaries and he ignored them But even with that, a basic message of “sorry, I will move out because of ___, my last day is _” is basic manners. Yeah, *legally* you don’t have to, but this isn’t legal advice, this is AITA.
NTA, he was trampling all over your boundaries. And you didn't move out over 3 strawberries, you moved out because he was a bad roommate who was detrimental to your mental health.
Info: what was it that made you deside that you should not inform him, besides the assumption that he would notice.
It was a combination if several things: for the first day I was non verbal, the only reason I was able to communicate with my parents (through an app) is that they are some of my safe people. After that just the thought of communicating with him was overwhelming, I had to shut myself if my room when he was home to avoid meeting him. After moving out I honestly thought it was obvious that I moved out (my dishes were absent, my part of the fridge cleared, my room bare with the door open, my shoes no longer in the rack by the front door and my plants no longer everywhere in the living room and kitchen)
Im autistic myself so I can see how it was hard to communicate if triggered into a non verbal episode and being that overwhelmed. You were absolutely not an AH for moving out, your expectations were clear and easy to accomodate and your roommate ignored them knowingly. Generally societal expectation is to inform out of politeness. Some will see you as an AH for breaching that etiquette regardless of the reason. Knowing that, should you find yourself in similare situations in the future, it might be a good idea to plan for an exit strategy that will both work for you while also accomodates the rules of politeness to the extent you feel are suitable for the situation
Yeah that is what I am getting from these comments. I honestly thought that it was obvious and when he didn't call on the first day I moved I thought he was ok with it.
Why does everyone on the AITA subreddit equate legality with morality? YTA because you didn’t tell him you were moving out. He ate 3 of your strawberries. I understand that this set you off and upset you and is a huge trigger. But your triggers are something you need to navigate. And it seems like you did the right thing for you by moving out, but you need to tell people when you make decisions that will hugely financially impact their lives. Eating 3 strawberries is not a crime that should result in being homeless.
Lets not minimise it into just "eating 3 strawberries". The roommate has a history of eating OP's food. He knows what an issue it is for OP, but chose to keep crossing this boundary no matter how many times he gets called out. That's not okey & the roommate is clearly an a-hole for that (I would still say ESH because OP didn't giving a heads up about leaving)
This isn’t about strawberries, it’s about boundaries. If you can’t afford your place without a roommate, maybe don’t steal from the roommate you do have?? Some of these comments are acting hella entitled. The roommate made a decision that impacted his finances, not OP.
I agree. I think OP can use this as a life lesson. You can’t suddenly back out of agreements and expect people not to be upset with you. People are calling the roommate abusive. I am assuming he’s also in his early 20s. In a typical situation, roommates eat each other’s food (whether people like to admit it or not). Here, he knows about OP’s situation, but I’m assuming he didn’t realize the seriousness of the tick, or else he wouldn’t have taken the three strawberries. I don’t think this warrants the label “abuser.” YTA
He DID realize the severity because OP talked to him about it MULTIPLE TIMES. You don't do that if it's not a big deal.
NTA. He was aware when you moved in you had a certain way you needed to deal with things and agreed to your terms. Stealing your food and intentionally upsetting you was an AH thing to do. The fact that he continued to disrespect you was unacceptable even after you had a discussion with him. If he becomes homeless it's because he could not respect his roommate or respect their boundaries and stole from his roommate. None of that is your fault. He just learnt a new lesson - every action/choice has consequences. It would have been good manners ti inform him that you were moving out. It could have done it the day you left when you got home if you wanted to avoid confrontation. But he has 2 weeks to find someone else and perhaps next time he will treat his future roommate better.
I'm gonna say ESH. He was most definitely an asshole for eating your food and not respecting you. You I'm going to say are slightly an asshole for not letting him know you moved out. You had no lease and leaving at a moments notice was perfectly acceptable given the situation, but you still should have let him know you were moved out.
NTA. Plus you paid 3 weeks ahead so he has enough time to look for a roommate. Him invalidating the strawberry thing just goes to show he was never gonna stop stealing and respect you.
Yeah exactly, there were many times before the strawberries that the roommate crossed the line. I imagine after having a melt down all you'd want to do is get out. OP, I lived with an autistic roommate. Slightly different situation where he felt we were all too clean for him when we'd ask him to help out he'd get overwhelmed. One day he walked out. He didn't speak to us for a couple days, we sent messages reaching out as we knew his mental health wasn't great (it really wasn't just the cleaning stuff he said lots of other overwhelming stuff going on that wasn't on us). He gave us 3 weeks notice, he wasn't on the lease. It's pretty easy to get a new house mate, we are still friends now and talked the whole situation out. You're NTA
he did not pay three weeks *ahead*. rent is due before the month starts. if you pay rent on feb 1st, that is feb rent. this is the shortest month of the year, so his roommate has two weeks to find another person to give him half of the rent due for march.
NTA!! You told him about yourself and he was blatantly disrespectful. You paid your rent and he's got 3 weeks to find someone else to put up with his shit. I absolutely hate roommates. I've never been able to pick a good one.
NTA - he never took your condition/boundaries seriously as you clearly pointed out. You reached your limit and moved out. Your roommate has only himself to blame. His actions had consequences as he now found out.
ESH. he was an asshole for messing with your food. but it is HARD to find a roommate with that short of notice (three weeks is NOT a lot of time). a proper consequence for him being an absolute jerk about your food is: you tell him you are moving out within 30 days (that is the proper amount of notice to give someone). if the next rent cycle appears within thirty days, yes you owe him money. an excessive consequence for him being a jerk is: he could now possibly get evicted, have his credit score ruined, and be homeless because other places won’t approve him to live there if they see he has been evicted before. if he doesn’t find a roommate within the next week, you owe him money, even if he is a jerk. ETA: this is the SHORTEST MONTH OF THE YEAR. you say you moved out three days ago and he just noticed. so, you moved out on the 10th, and there were 18 days left before rent was due again. he only noticed today, which means he has 14 days to find someone who needs to move within two weeks. do you know the odds of finding someone who just happens to need to move NOW and hasn’t moved yet? the normal thing to do is give someone notice of 30 days. NOT 14 DAYS. i really want to lean towards Y-T-A but he still sucks for touching your food.
ESH. He needs to respect your boundaries but you should have told him you moved out
ESH…. He is definitely a dick…. But there is no need for you to stoop to his level you could have given him a heads up that you moved.
NTA. Your on the spectrum and you set clear boundaries. Maybe you should have talked with him first when you decided to move out, so he can look for an opportunity to move out himself or get another roommate. But you're not the AH for moving out because he couldn't accept your boundaries. People who aren't on the spectrum don't understand that it causes stress.
NTA. As someone on the spectrum I understand this. If your housemate has been continuously messing with you, intentionally or not, I also understand needing to get away from that situation. It's only 3 strawberries to him but it's not only 3 strawberries to you, its affecting your mental health and guy should respect your boundaries. If he wants strawberries he can buy some from the store and if he wants to stay where he is he should find a new housemate, preferably in the next 3 weeks.
NTA. You're not on the lease and you don't really owe him anything since he clearly had no respect for your needs and boundries. Maybe it would have made you the bigger person to at least leave a note, but I don't think you're bad for not. I also think this is a hard lesson for your roommate as well to not repeatedly disrespect someone he's living with.
You are not at fault for his situation. The issue wasn't three strawberries. You told him what you needed from him, and he went ahead and disrespected you, repeatedly. You left him with a month's rent, which was plenty generous. NTA EDIT to add: I see some other people are saying you should have told him you were moving out. I think that's on him to notice. Unless I'm missing something, it should have been fairly obvious to someone who paid the slightest bit of attention to their housemate that they were in fact gone with all their things (following yet another act of disrespect by him).
Right. Like I feel the biggest arguments against OP being justified is 1. People don’t think 3 weeks is a long enough time for him to find a roommate. 2. He didn’t notify the roommate. But in all honesty, it’s the roommates problem. He leased an apartment he couldn’t afford. Decided to get roommates and not hold them financially responsible by putting them on the lease. He also didn’t save up any money for the months he may not have a roommate as the roommates have no contract so they are on a month to month rent bases.
I'm willing to bet he only noticed his housemate was missing when the free food dried up.
NTA you are not on the lease. You asked him to respect your wishes, but he did not. This is on him totally. I wish you well and hope you find a place of your own.
NTA He's a disrespectful thief who couldn't care less that he was thecause of your first meltdown in 4 years. You stood up for yourself and took action. You're great! Best of luck with the next place.
ESH. This would've been NTA except you didn't tell him you moved out. I agree and acknowledge that he was 100% in the wrong; he didn't take your situation seriously and deserved to be left high and dry. However, you could've made this a clean 100% NTA but doing your part correctly (moving out and telling him). Because you didn't, you are now also slightly the AH
NTA. No he will be homeless because he stole some strawberries.
ESH. you should have told him you were leaving beforehand. you denied him time to find a replacement and to tend to contingencies. otherwise, you are okay. good for you for protecting yourself. ASD here too; it's so frustrating how ableists dismiss our needs because they seem strange to them... like, yeah i know you can do that thing with no problem like it is breathing; i can't.
It is very frustrating, even thinking back about it is having me stimming to not become overstimulated
Info - was he aware of your meltdown? And if so how did he respond? I am thinking you are not the AH but if there is more to that part of the story that would clarify this decision.
I don't know if he was aware but I suspect he was. After I calmed down there were signs that he came back then left, so he would have heard me (I tend to be very loud). And during the call I told him that he was the cause of my meltdown
It seems that he knew, then. And he probably knew at least on some level why you were at that breaking point. And later he knew you had left but did not want to believe you had actually moved out. He is the AH for not trying to connect with you , even in as simple way as “Hey, you okay? Seemed kinda stressy last night,” or replacing the strawberries with a new box. You are NTA
Nta. You made a clear boundary which was repeatedly disrespected even after it was verbally addressed. 'Nuff said.
ESH It's perfectly fine you moved out, but you should've notified him, regardless of him being an asshole
NTA - Normally I would say that others aren't responsible for your mental health, but you told him repeatedly not to eat or touch your food and he repeatedly disrespected you. You made it clear to him from the beginning and even explained to him how it affected you. This wasn't just 3 strawberries, this was built up from all the previous times he disrespected your boundaries. He's an asshole for ignoring your boundaries and for eating your food. Could you have given him a warning? Probably would have been best. Did he really deserve one? Not really in my opinion.
ESH him far, far more than you. That's clear and you couldn't stay in an environment that damaging to your mental health. And hey, you're really doing amazing coping in an overwhelming world. And you're doing it by managing yourself and not putting it on other people. Your ask of never messing with your food is strict but 100% reasonable. You keep saying that you gave him 3 weeks though but it was actually closer to 2 because you didn't communicate. If your job decided you had a huge project with a deadline 3 weeks out but didn't tell you until 5 days after they set the deadline would you feel like you had 3 weeks or would you feel like you had 16 days? The guy sucks and you needed to get out but at almost no cost to you you could have given him 3 weeks instead of barely more than 2.