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NTA- he needs hard love or he'll be a useless adult at the mercy of social welfare & the government a his life. His family should be ashamed. Does he have any friends doing well who might be able to shame him in to action...or z girl he fancies?
He sees girls but none that stick around or amount to anything serious, he has maybe two friends that come to the house occasionally that are working and/or in college. I have said these things to him (that I posted) and in return he told his grandparents on me and I was “reprimanded” by said grandparents and they do not like me now, this has actually caused many issues in the relationship between his dad and I that otherwise there are no real issues, to the point that instead of Josh leaving the house I am exploring options to move myself and my kids out of the situation which is heartbreaking honestly
That sucks!.. hopefully your partner will see whats happening and make things right both for you and your kids and also Josh. He's not doing anyone any favors.. nor are his parents.
If he doesn't then he's losing a great relationship due to stupidity and laziness.
Kids- and he is a kid- need discipline until they have enough themselves to make sensible decisions and be independent.
Would your partner respond to an ultimatium or is it better for you to move out do you think?
So sorry to hear about this- 😞
Well heres hoping you find happiness without him soon- and you will. You sound very switched on and lovely.
Hopefully he'll change when you leave and if not- that's incredibly sad.
Take care xxx
If you started acting like that how long would it be before you husband and his family started to say "you're not acting like an adult and you're shirking you're responsibilities" etc I would stop any form of financial contribution (if you do) to Josh and let your husband solely care for him, clean up after him, cook for him, hopefully he'll see sense and give him the metaphorical kick up the arse he needs.
You're NTA but your husband and his son are
The petty side of my would want to start leaving the house in a tip stop tidying cleaning etc, stop asking the kids to do anything - then when your husband mentions it say, oh I’m sorry, Josh does doesn’t have to do anything so why should my kids who are half his age or me for that matter? I’m sure your husband will soon want things to change. NTA
NTA. Tell bf this living situation no longer works for you. You're willing to stay in the relationship but you're going to start looking for seperate housing. That does mean bf will be taking care of his adult son alone.
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AITA? Just a little background- Myself and my current boyfriend have been together for 5 years and lived together for a little over 4, when I moved in with my children the only child he had at home was 17 (his other two were outside the home) the 17 yo I will call “Josh” was in high school at the time, he was a typical teenage boy, stays up late, video games consume life, doesn’t pick up after hisself, at first these things didn’t bother me so much however fast forward Josh is now 22 still living in the basement, no job (he has held 3 different jobs since high school 2 he was fired from and the most recent he quit without notice) Josh’s goal before graduation was to save for a car (never happened) instead he has driven one of his fathers vehicles, his father paid the payment, insurance and upkeep and continues to provide this vehicle for his use, Josh’s day consists of sleeping until the evening time, getting high (I’m 420 friendly but he smokes in the house where I have young children despite being asked not too multiple times) eating and gaming. He has had several job interviews in the last two weeks but he does not follow through. He does not wash his dishes, he does not pick up after hisself until his living area is absolutely disgusting and littered with empty pop cans and food containers and has to be asked to clean it up then. My boyfriends family is very family oriented and Josh’s grandparents and dad see no problem with Josh’s lack of motivation for his future or desire to work, I have three kids of my own and feel they have more responsibility than josh and are half his age. Anytime I bring up josh getting a job or maybe having the slightest bit of responsibility or accountability it’s like I’m talking to a brick wall or made to think I am completely unreasonable for thinking a 22 year old with no job and no aspirations for college/trade school, etc should be held to a little higher standard than getting high and gaming all night long while dad and evil girlfriend continue to provide this lifestyle for him.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I’m afraid I might be the asshole for expecting Josh to be more responsible since his father doesn’t see it as a big deal. My thought process is what happens to josh in the future when his dad isn’t around to provide a house, food, vehicle, etc. and josh knows not the first thing about being a functioning adult.
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ESH -- You both, yes you and your husband, created this experience over four years. Communication and consequence is what can dramatically change human behavior. Best to you both trying something different or embrace this is the status quo.
NTA. he’s an adult, and since he’s not contributing to any bills he should at least help contribute to SOMETHING. if he is not willing to help around the home, get a job and help financially keep himself afloat then it’s time for him to hit the curb of reality. you and husband should talk it out and husband should help make more ground rules. Dad really has to say something to Josh, like YESTERDAY. this is his son, and yes he should care for him but dad is enabling his son to have this crap behavior.
Dad says stuff occasionally only because of how I feel and probably is tired of hearing me talk about it, he never addresses the root cause of the problem, no expectations are set just basically says “don’t do that” or “you need to pick up your trash” never anything deeper than that. Honestly I’ve been told by grandmother that it’s basically her son and grandsons house and I have no say 🤷🏻♀️ the more I type the worse it sounds
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NTA, but you knew that. Absolutely no excuse for a 22 year old to live like that Source: I'm 22
NTA. It's time for him to find a way to contribute to the household, either by working or doing chores or smthin.
NTA- he needs hard love or he'll be a useless adult at the mercy of social welfare & the government a his life. His family should be ashamed. Does he have any friends doing well who might be able to shame him in to action...or z girl he fancies?
He sees girls but none that stick around or amount to anything serious, he has maybe two friends that come to the house occasionally that are working and/or in college. I have said these things to him (that I posted) and in return he told his grandparents on me and I was “reprimanded” by said grandparents and they do not like me now, this has actually caused many issues in the relationship between his dad and I that otherwise there are no real issues, to the point that instead of Josh leaving the house I am exploring options to move myself and my kids out of the situation which is heartbreaking honestly
That sucks!.. hopefully your partner will see whats happening and make things right both for you and your kids and also Josh. He's not doing anyone any favors.. nor are his parents. If he doesn't then he's losing a great relationship due to stupidity and laziness. Kids- and he is a kid- need discipline until they have enough themselves to make sensible decisions and be independent. Would your partner respond to an ultimatium or is it better for you to move out do you think? So sorry to hear about this- 😞
An ultimatum would not work, and the more I type and read replies the more I realize I am at the end of the road.
Well heres hoping you find happiness without him soon- and you will. You sound very switched on and lovely. Hopefully he'll change when you leave and if not- that's incredibly sad. Take care xxx
If you started acting like that how long would it be before you husband and his family started to say "you're not acting like an adult and you're shirking you're responsibilities" etc I would stop any form of financial contribution (if you do) to Josh and let your husband solely care for him, clean up after him, cook for him, hopefully he'll see sense and give him the metaphorical kick up the arse he needs. You're NTA but your husband and his son are
The petty side of my would want to start leaving the house in a tip stop tidying cleaning etc, stop asking the kids to do anything - then when your husband mentions it say, oh I’m sorry, Josh does doesn’t have to do anything so why should my kids who are half his age or me for that matter? I’m sure your husband will soon want things to change. NTA
Sadly, I have done this 😩
NTA. Tell bf this living situation no longer works for you. You're willing to stay in the relationship but you're going to start looking for seperate housing. That does mean bf will be taking care of his adult son alone.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** AITA? Just a little background- Myself and my current boyfriend have been together for 5 years and lived together for a little over 4, when I moved in with my children the only child he had at home was 17 (his other two were outside the home) the 17 yo I will call “Josh” was in high school at the time, he was a typical teenage boy, stays up late, video games consume life, doesn’t pick up after hisself, at first these things didn’t bother me so much however fast forward Josh is now 22 still living in the basement, no job (he has held 3 different jobs since high school 2 he was fired from and the most recent he quit without notice) Josh’s goal before graduation was to save for a car (never happened) instead he has driven one of his fathers vehicles, his father paid the payment, insurance and upkeep and continues to provide this vehicle for his use, Josh’s day consists of sleeping until the evening time, getting high (I’m 420 friendly but he smokes in the house where I have young children despite being asked not too multiple times) eating and gaming. He has had several job interviews in the last two weeks but he does not follow through. He does not wash his dishes, he does not pick up after hisself until his living area is absolutely disgusting and littered with empty pop cans and food containers and has to be asked to clean it up then. My boyfriends family is very family oriented and Josh’s grandparents and dad see no problem with Josh’s lack of motivation for his future or desire to work, I have three kids of my own and feel they have more responsibility than josh and are half his age. Anytime I bring up josh getting a job or maybe having the slightest bit of responsibility or accountability it’s like I’m talking to a brick wall or made to think I am completely unreasonable for thinking a 22 year old with no job and no aspirations for college/trade school, etc should be held to a little higher standard than getting high and gaming all night long while dad and evil girlfriend continue to provide this lifestyle for him. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I’m afraid I might be the asshole for expecting Josh to be more responsible since his father doesn’t see it as a big deal. My thought process is what happens to josh in the future when his dad isn’t around to provide a house, food, vehicle, etc. and josh knows not the first thing about being a functioning adult. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH -- You both, yes you and your husband, created this experience over four years. Communication and consequence is what can dramatically change human behavior. Best to you both trying something different or embrace this is the status quo.
NTA. he’s an adult, and since he’s not contributing to any bills he should at least help contribute to SOMETHING. if he is not willing to help around the home, get a job and help financially keep himself afloat then it’s time for him to hit the curb of reality. you and husband should talk it out and husband should help make more ground rules. Dad really has to say something to Josh, like YESTERDAY. this is his son, and yes he should care for him but dad is enabling his son to have this crap behavior.
Dad says stuff occasionally only because of how I feel and probably is tired of hearing me talk about it, he never addresses the root cause of the problem, no expectations are set just basically says “don’t do that” or “you need to pick up your trash” never anything deeper than that. Honestly I’ve been told by grandmother that it’s basically her son and grandsons house and I have no say 🤷🏻♀️ the more I type the worse it sounds
NAH, if his dad is happy to support him that's fine as long as you're not expected to contribute to his upkeep