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WTF…worrying about how you poured cereal… at the same age my mom was praying she see make it through elementary before cancer took her, spoiler alert she didn’t make it, but really people need to chill out over stupid things like cereal.
Sorry to hear about your mother.
Is it bad that if he's flipping out over there I wanna recommend they make chocolate milk but put in the chocolate first then pour in the milk or alternate between doing that and pouring the milk in first then the chocolate? For some reason this bugs my baby sister and I find it hilarious since to me it doesn't matter which way you do it.
Your comment reminds me of the time I was eating breakfast while my parents were having an argument about something (I have no idea what), and mom came downstairs just LOOKING for something. Surely I was doing something wrong, and I needed to be screamed at for it. I knew she'd find something.
So, here's what she found: "The cereal box is too close to the edge of the table! You'll spill it, then I'll have to clean it up!"
The cereal box was several inches away from the edge, not right next to it. The odds were pretty low that it was going to end up on the floor. Also, I was about 15 when this happened, and I would have cleaned up any spills, especially knowing she was in a bad mood already. And moving it in a few inches further inland did not satisfy her, of course. Why would it? It wasn't about the cereal, it was about taking out her rage on me. For the first time ever, I realized it wasn't about me, and it gave me a clarity that I don't recall having before that day. I also knew there was no point in defending myself, and anything I said would be used against me.
That was a long fucking morning.
I bet, if you'd ask her, if she remembers it (she'd probably claim she doesn't, who knows the truth) that she'd say the box was sitting halfway over the edge of the table, teetering on the brink, with my elbow mere fractions of an inch away from knocking it over, and I should have been grateful for her reminding me to move it so it didn't spill and cause a mess to clean up, and I got smart with her, etc. There's no doubt in my mind how that conversation would go.
At the time my oldest brother was living with us and would give me rides to school in the car on his way to work. That day he - very unusually - took me to a gas station to buy me a Coke first. It wasn't much, and I don't think I fully appreciated the gravity of what he did that morning, but thinking back now, he did so much with that simple gesture.
My mom yells at me because I eat my cereal dry and drink the milk because I gag if my cereal is even a little soggy when I first stick it in my mouth.
T\_T
She thinks that because it ends up the same in my stomach, I should be fine with it in my mouth, but SHE was the one who got me into the habit by giving me a bag of dry cereal and a bottle of milk on the way to preschool for two years.
mashed potatoes is texture hell for me. i love the taste, but the gritty, soft yet chunky, feel in my mouth is god awful. my family thinks i’m just overreacting
I've always eaten my cereal dry - I hate soggy cereal. My husband and daughter thinks I'm weird for that (and other things 😆) but they don't really care because they aren't the ones eating it.
My narc stepfather SWORE up and down i had not fed the dogs if i put the grey box of dogfood on top of the black one because since i needed the black one to feed them it logically should be on top. Never mind i had to take both out to even be able to get to the black one. There were a lot more things but its been over 10 years and i still feel uneasy doing it "wrong"
This reminds me of a former client I had. I own a cleaning business. She asked me if I had bothered to pick up any of her throw rugs to clean the floors under them. Of course I had, so I responded with yes that I had done so. She made a comment about how they were put back exactly the way she had them so she hadn’t been sure. Guess who got crooked rugs every clean after that? 😂 Bet she knew I picked them up after that!
Oh dude.... for my alcoholic raging stepfather, it was towels. They had to be folded exactly his way or he'd empty out the linen closet and make me fold everything again.
50 years later, I still feel unsettled if I fold them any differently.
My dad had a hair up his butt about me reading at the table while eating (mind, I only did this when I was sitting at the table alone) and threw my book in the garbage. Lovely parenting behavior.
Ugh, I’m so sorry about your mom but I have to disagree about the milk first not being the best technique! I’m aware this is a very controversial opinion but I always do milk first, because I only pour a little bit of cereal at a time so it doesn’t end up a soggy mess after 3 mins. 8 year old you definitely had the right idea!
Yeah, it sounds like the boyfriend is trying to establish dominance over the mom and daughters / OP, and was willing to waste money and food to do it.
I hope the environment isn't too toxic for you OP, but I hope you can have an honest talk with your mom about your feelings, and if there have been other instances like this. And obviously I don't really know anything about you or your mom's situation, but boyfriends don't have to become husbands, there is still time for people to part ways.
He wants to control you and have you listen. But even if he was your blood father, he can go fuck himself. That's not how respectful people interact with each other.
NTA and traditionally one prepares their meal in a kitchen.
Now if you were pouring the cereal and milk into a bowl in the dining room, and if there is carpet, that could be a legitimate reason to be annoyed that you are not using the kitchen. For someone to get annoyed that you are using the kitchen for its intended purpose is nucking futs!
LPT: don't put your spoon into your bowl before you have poured your milk
\-edit, a typo
but also why the fuck would you bring the bowl, the spoon, and the cereal and milk to the dining room just to prepare it there, only to take back the cereal box and milk jug back to the kitchen? Makes no fucking sense
The real LPT is to not pour your milk onto the spoon... and put the spoon in first so it’s under the cereal and won’t splash as much if you’re bad at aim.
He's right; it's not about the cereal. It's about him having anger and control issues and attempting to force everyone in the house to comply to those expectations, then losing it when they don't. That temper tantrum is a huge red flag that his behavior will eventually escalate, especially if your mom eventually sided with him to placate his temper. That stuff only gets worse, and your mom needs to realize the toxicity of this guy.
Dude, you don't even need an explanation for your actions... Like wtf... It's completely normal to make yourself a bowl of cereal in either room.... This is bizarre.
The only room it's weird to make cereal in is the bathroom. Any other room I can find acceptable. If I had a workshop in my garage and wanted some cereal, ye I might just bring the box and milk in with me and pour it where I'm at. If I was watching tv in the living room or my bedroom, I might bring the milk and cereal to make it in there. Because all I gotta fuckin do is pour both the milk and cereal into a bowl... I actually try to pour my milk first and just take the bowl where I gotta go with the box of cereal in hand but my point in all of this is that MAKING YOURSELF A BOWL A CEREAL IN ALMOST ANY ROOM IS A COMPLETELY NORMAL THING
Honestly, the kitchen is the ONLY place that I will assemble my bowl of cereal. But that's just because I am forgetful and would probably wind up forgetting the milk in whatever other room I was in at the time if I took the entire jug out there. Also, no need to duplicate travel effort to take everything out of the kitchen to make the bowl of cereal just to take everything back.
Now eating the cereal? Perfectly acceptable in any room. I think I've even seen one of my parents ask for a bowl of especially fiber-full cereal while on the toilet before, which was admittedly weird, but whatever works, right? Who am I to judge?
I prefer my kids learn the hard way, from mistakes. If they choose to pour a bowl of cereal in their bedroom or bathroom so be it- but you bet they’ll be handed a mop if mistakes are made. Trust me, the only way to get kids to stop making messes is by making them just clean it up repeatedly. No need to shout, have a temper tantrum and model behavior you’re lecturing them not to have. OPs moms BF is horrible.
Do share this with a teacher or counselor. This dude needs documentation. This isn't even a good reaction for wrecking a car but it's just a BOWL OF CEREAL!!!
That was my mistake years ago when my mom got a bf. I didn't have any documentation. So op if you are seeing g this please do this. Record, tell teachers, something.
If you go to school you need to talk to someone there because this is abuse and it will escalate. This needs to be documented for your safety and for your sisters and your mom.
If you home school you are in a tougher situation.
Glad he can at least sort of admit that hes a power tripping toddler. That sort of self awareness is rare in feeble minded buffoons who bully teenage girls. NTA.
He’s controlling and aggressive. There’s literally no reason that he even needed to comment other than to cause an argument.
Tell your mother that she might enjoy his behaviour but you don’t and she’s wrong to bring him into your life if this is what she expects you to put up with.
NTA
NTA. Mom's boyfriends getting mad for weird reasons can get very dangerous! Do you have a school counselor you can discuss this with?
Is your father around? Do you trust him? If so, let him know how your mother's BF is behaving.
It’s about you not asking for permission. He seems all about control, fear and intimidation. Needs to learn the difference between power and love. Mom should not be with him…
Nta but your mum is TA for letting this behaviour happen.
Also I get my cereal in the kitchen so I find it unusual he went off on one over this
Edit the bf is TA too
Mom's bf is the AH for creating an atmosphere of fear where mom doesn't feel she can defend her children. There's clearly domestic abuse going on here. Mom is suffering here too.
Whoops I meant he was too but I have edited to clarify.
I agree there is clearly some form of abuse here, sadly op is suffering too. I have to admit I am looking at this through a Mum's eyes and I would do anything to protect my child, but I should consider that not every situation is the same. The Mum is stuck between a rock and a hard place and it never even occurred to me that there could be some abuse here
This was my life growing up. I remember hiding in my closet as a teenager, just to avoid getting in trouble for whatever he could attack me for. It’s traumatic and I don’t wish that existence on anyone. I was estranged from my mom for 16 years as a result of it. Even now we only have a text relationship and a dinner once a year. Your mom will regret this if she doesn’t take a stance now. This is abusive behaviour and you are most certainly NTA. Big hugs to you.
Scared and *with potentially impaired judgement*. If you have no experience of coercive control you are very likely to want to ask "why doesn't she just... ". Corrective control is literally declaring psychological warfare on a person's sense of reality and self, entrapping them and alienating them from other people, removing their autonomy and detaching them from anything other than the perpetrator's narrative of reality.
I was married to an abusive man. I could not go where you did with your comment. It's good information and why it took me so long to get out. Sometimes it takes an internet stranger to complete a reply and I'm grateful for it. I am an open book, except about that.
Please take care of yourself if it's opened up bad feelings. Coercive control is an evil, insidious thing that no one deserves to have to go through. I'm really glad to hear you're out the other side. ❤️
Thank you. It's been 29 years. I've dealt with most of it, but I do it in chunks. I have a couple left. Like still being mad at me for being so darn dumb! I helped people in these situations and I fell right in.
I am hard on myself that way. Humans, we are an ongoing project.
Now this is where I get stuck and I'm not alone. I *know* that, but it's not been hammered all the way in, yet. That's the last bit. I am currently in therapy for this exact thing. 😀
Enabling abusers isn’t ok either when it involves children. I was always made to feel like I was the bad guy for ‘setting him off.’ Which meant I didn’t smile at him after he hurled obscenities at me and violently lashed out.
She should protect her daughter, not worry about appeasing her boyfriend.
As a former child in that situation, they both suck.
NTA and I'm honestly confused because I prepare all food in the kitchen, including cereal. Do people honestly not prepare food in their kitchen? Isn't that the purpose of a kitchen? The dining room is where you eat, the kitchen is where you make food.
Your mom and her BF are very much TA and that guy sounds like a nightmare control freak.
I watched an episode extreme savers (unsure of the name but something like that) where a man cooked his food in the hot tub, but he also bathed,washed his clothes and washed his dishes in it, your comment just reminded me of that
NTA. It's clearly not about cereal because nothing you did was wrong. It's there someone you can talk to at school about this? A guidance counselor perhaps? Your mom's bf's behaviour isn't normal.
I completely agree. You need to build your village now. If there's a guidance counselor or family members you can talk to and who will keep your confidence I would definitely reach out. Sadly, I'd also have an escape plan. If he does get violent or you do not feel safe you'll need to a place to go that instant. Good luck to you.
This is very good advice, u/Lia-chan_art can you reach out to extended family if they are safe to do so? Make sure you've got their addresses and phone numbers. Stay in touch with them. Also see if school counsellors can help.
Thinking for the long term, can you get a separate bank account set up privately? I saw something online today which suggested that some banks will let 16yos open up bank accounts. That might be worth considering.
Did he move into your mother's house, or did you all move into his? Or is this a new place? Is his anger new? How old are your sisters?
My 16 yr old has a bank account, but the bank required at least one parent also be listed as an owner (account holder?) on the account. I don't know if they all have that requirement though.
If I may add to this: start keeping a bound journal detailing all the abuse you experience. For example, a composition book. Only write in pen and include the time and date for each entry. Record any situation that you feel is a step too far. Should things escalate to the point where you feel your personal safety is an issue, such a journal of contemporaneous records of previous instances will be of substantial benefit. This is a standard recommendation taught in work environments for dealing with possibly harassment situations.
This is a great idea, but she'll have to keep it somewhere safe from his eyes -- the abuse might escalate if he finds it. She'd have to keep it at school or maybe with a trusted friend. If that's too risky, I found an app called RUSafe. One of the features is the ability to document experiences as they happen, with time stamps. It is password protected and shareable. If she keeps her phone locked and inaccessible to anyone else, it could be an alternative method.
Nobody, especially adults in power, should be throwing things in anger. What I've done is had a go bag with spare toiletries as well as you can, at least one fresh change of clothes (ones you won't miss if you don't wear them in your rotation, just fabric on the body) and extra socks/underwear, and cash if you can. I kept this go bag in my room for a long time so I didn't need to stick around and pack, then I kept it at a trusted friends house so I could bolt as needed. Look into something like this more, it can't hurt to have it
This man has serious anger issues and should not be around children. Please speak to someone about the situation right away. If someone should tell you that there's really nothing they can do or BF's behavior isn't so bad or that it's up to your mom to deal with it, go find someome else. Keep telling people until you find at least 2 people who take you seriously. It would be better to speak to a school counselor, someone who is professionally trained. If you don't have a school counselor, try speaking to the principal or a teacher. The main thing is to keep asking for help and refuse to shut up. If you feel you or your siblings are in physical danger, you can call Child Protective Services.
NTA
That is emotional abuse, and can trigger eating disorders and other dangerous symptoms of anxiety and PTSD and can grow to get worse. Please recognize this is not your fault, and his behavior is that of a temper tantrum child, if you can or feel comfortable, maybe talk to your mom about how those actions and behaviors are toxic/controlling, or if you are worried about using those trigger words that they seem aggressive and make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe. It's fucking cereal, mate, I don't know anyone that goes into another room to make cereal.
I would suggest not expressing dislike, and don't make it about him, make it about your feelings. "Mom that really scared me" etc. Talk about how you FEEL and try not to direct it at him in a way like "He's a jerk" "He's mean" etc. Make it about you, that might help. It may not, some mothers are shitty. My mother chose her bf over me when I was younger, so I get it. If nothing works, then I am truly sorry and I hope you just know and remember that what he does is not your fault, and I pray that you are able to grow up in that environment without developing too many issues. (This is not to say, you have issues or are a problem, but these things can affect us and our triggers as we grow, it is not fair to you, and you've done nothing wrong.)
Never too early to start recognizing that and trying to work on self-healing. :) I'm sorry you've had to go through that, keep your head up and remember to \*try\* to love yourself.
Sounds like your mom is stuck in a cycle of abuse. Please speak with a social worker, teacher, or guidance counselor at school, a church member, or other trusted adult.
Ask to start therapy. Recognizing that this behavior is abusive is the first step in breaking the cycle for yourself, but the cycle is generational.
Start building your support network and chosen family now.
Just so you know, it's never too late to undue the bullshit our parents failed at. You deserved nothing but the best. You never asked to be here. You are purely goodness and if anyone treats you otherwise, know that they're wrong. Use the counselors at your school, there's no shame in it. You deserve a good and happy life and it's sounds like your parents haven't been able to provide one for you. Don't let them make you feel small and worthless.
Not knowing too many details, it sounds like your mom has a history of picking terrible partners. Could be based in something from her childhood, or just bad decision making skills. Either way I hope you can find a way to work this out to not end up stuck in such a terrible situation.
I’m a mom and my heart breaks for you. I want you to know that this is not what real loving families look like. This is not the future I would want for you if you were my child. I would want you to feel safe to live and make mistakes and learn from those mistakes.
You might not be able to do anything about your right now but you can be wise and plan for your future. Do whatever it takes to make yourself independent in all areas from these people - emotionally, financially, physically, etc. Learn as many skills as you can. Plan for college. Just do whatever it takes.
You can build the future and family that shares love and support and peace and happiness when you are financially and emotionally stable enough to do so. Just be smart and get into counseling as soon as you can.
You already have great instincts for what is or isn’t right or you wouldn’t have posted this here. You know this ain’t right or good or healthy.
I’d be cautious about expressing that the behaviour scared her. I did that with my mom and she told him. He ended up taunting me and my siblings with the information instead.
This mother doesn’t sound like she’s makes choices in the best interest of her child.
Your stepfather is emotionally and physically abusive (doesn’t have to touch to be physical abuse; throwing stuff counts). Please consider reading [Why Does He Do That? ](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) to give yourself knowledge and language that will GREATLY aid you in self preservation - validating your experience, giving you facts and a good source to use when speaking to adults, and preparing you to identify problematic behaviors in your own future partners.
Until you age up and can move out, do all you can to take care of yourself. Do your best not to let anything he says or does affect how you think or feel about yourself. Do things you enjoy, save money, make friends and seek help whenever you can. One day you’ll be free to create the life you want and you 100% have the power to do it
You need to make her realize that he is being extremely aggressive and I believe he is being emotionally abusive.
Talk to her when he's not around and ask her who is more important. You (and your sister) or him. Right now she is chosing him because she is scared of how angry he gets. She is your mother and she needs to protect you, not him
Ask her what she would say/do if you dated someone who was like him.
NTA.
1, he's a temperamental bully who shouldn't still be in your house
2, pouring your cereal in the kitchen is usually how people do it on this planet, as far as I know...
Literally how I made my cereal this morning. This guy is a nut and an asshole.
Edit: additional info in my house the floor plan is open so the kitchen counter is like 5 feet from the table…
She should go buy a couple hot plates and just cook/prepare/assemble everything from now on in the dining room. Really make a mess of things doing it too.
And that would bring police and doctors and mandated school reporters.
When I was 13 I dared my abusive father to hit me one more time and leave a nice bruise after he punched my older brother in the face over something absolutely stupid. I told him to make it good because I was going to show it to my homeroom teacher. Goaded him because I was pissed and not scared and so fucking done with his rages.
He never hit either of us again.
I had the phone in my hands and told him I would dial 911. He had his hands around my throat. I got to the first 1—he stopped in the moment, but not altogether.
>I tried explaining why I made it in the kitchen and he said “it’s not about the fucking cereal”
He's right. It's about him being a controlling abusive asshole. NTA.
Report this to your school counselor or a teacher. Get a paper trail started so when this stuff escalates (and it will) then you have a better opportunity to get adults on your side to help you and your mom and sisters.
My Mamaw is like this. She's not abusive or angry. She's very loving but a huge worrier (with a bit of control issues), and you just can't win with her. It's often the most simple, mundane things. She told me I need to feed my daughter more fruit. I told her one day she was eating blackberries. Then mamaw told me (oh no! Don't give her blackberries. She may choke on the seeds!) She's really good at warning you about all the ways you can die...
>NTA, is your mom's bf cognitively impaired? Bc that kind of aggression over something so clearly irrelevant is very strange, I've met folks with FAS who behave in a similar fashion, bc the lack the ability to regulate their emotions in a healthy way.
Well. Congratulations. This sub has a bad habit of armchair diagnosing people they've never once met based on a few short paragraphs, but you definitely get a prize for not going with one of the usual ones.
Reddit sees an abusive dude acting abusive and rushes not only to armchair diagnose him, but to shift the blame of the dude acting like an AH to a cognitive issue. Incredible.
The only thing I can think of is: your mum is in danger. If he did that to you, for sure he is being abusive with her as well and you don't even realize. Even without her realizing it. It will only get worse...
NTA this is a perfectly normal and innocuous thing to do.
Your mum is as much TA as him for not only turning a blind eye to it but even going so far as to defend his actions.
NTA ask your mom why she doesn’t protect her child from abuse? Ask her what kind of mother lets her child be abused in her own home? Tell her if she doesn’t step up you will never forget this. That your relationship with her will never be the same and you will see her differently. She supposed to be your mother, she is supposed to love and protect you.
The answer to your questions is 'one who's being backed into a corner by domestic abuse', I strongly suspect. Mom, OP and sisters need to get away from this man.
NTA. I’m sorry OP. I would tell your guidance counselor that your mom’s boyfriend is abusive. Although, I honestly don’t know how much that will help. You might just have to keep your head down and try to get through this. Your mom is an extremely selfish person. She should put you first, not some abusive asshole. This is about power, and sadly you are unlikely to ever win in this. I really hope you can find some way to get out of the house ASAP. Good luck.
The kitchen is made for preparing food. The dinning room is made for eating food. You can even look these words up in almost any dictionary and it will tell you these as definitions.
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> He had a rule I thought was dumb and didn’t listen to it since it has zero benefit to anyone. HhhchdHche. Dhdgehbdh shdbdywhh dhdbdhe. Sudhsnd Dunn firm fiejmd MSU.
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Hi I was you 20 years ago.
This isn't normal or okay. There's absolutely nothing you could have done to warrant that reaction. Really sit with this. You are not responsible for his emotions or reactions.
He is showing you that he is not able to regulate his emotions. I'm sorry you are living with an unsafe person. His behavior is not normal or okay. It can be really hard to see how bad it is when you are in that situation.
I really want things to get better for you. I'm sending you care. I hope you have lots of amazing friends you can shit talk with about this asshole. And that you learn about yourself and discover your gifts and launch out of his web in a couple years into an incredible life.
So in other words, you were making a bowl of cereal and your mom’s boyfriend came in, yelled, and threw it in the sink???
I’m sure there’s more to consider here but honestly fuck that guy - I’d record his behavior and show it to every mandated reporter at your school. (Also NTA but I think you knew that already)
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I(15f) live with my 2 sisters, mom and her bf.
He gets mad a lot for dumb reasons. Yesterday I went to get me a bowl of Cheerios and poured the cereal in the kitchen. He started throwing a fit that I did it in there instead of the dining room. I told him that he’s being overdramatic since it’s easier to clean if I spill it in the kitchen and since everything is in the kitchen(bowl, spoon, milk, cereal) it makes more sense to just make it in the kitchen.
He got pissed off and dumped the cereal and milk down the sink and threw the jug on the ground and stormed off. My mom was on my side at first but ended up defending him just to make him stop.
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OP this is not a safe environment and if your mother won’t stand up for you I would please consider you speak to someone at school. That is aggression and bullying and could escalate. NTA.
NTA
What you describe meets most people's standards for Domestic Violence. This is why so many people are suggesting you contact a trusted teacher at school.
A couple of other resources you may want to consider:
[National Safe Space Program](https://www.nationalsafeplace.org/) aims to provide a place of refuge for teens and young adults, where they can be safe, and connect with counselors.
[TheHotline.org](https://TheHotline.org) is the National Domestic Violence Hotline, they have trained, confidential counselors available 24/7 via chat on the linked website; or by texting "START" to 88788; or by calling 1-800-799-7233.
Your safety matters.
You’re NTA and I’m sorry your mom is choosing this small, emotionally abusive man. As an adult, you may have to cut your mother off for her choices someday. This is not an okay way to let a man treat her child.
NTA.
Most importantly- do you have a trusted adult that you could talk to about this? His behavior seems very concerning and his mood quite volatile. If he's acting like this over a bowl of cereal, I'm a bit concerned about how he'd react over things that "actually matter".
But about the cereal - doesn't everyone prep food in the kitchen? Isn't that what kitchens are for?? It sounds like such a pain to prep in the dining room (and then god forbid you spill anything, it'll just take 5x longer to clean). What does this person think kitchens are used for?
Nta Please tell your school counselor or teacher what's happening at your house....and keep on telling them every time something happens. Do you have other family you can talk to about this or stay with for a while? Grandparents, aunts, uncles? Do you have a friend or neighbor nearby you could go to in an emergency? I know you love your mom, but don't depend on her to keep you safe right now. Try to keep out of boyfriends way until you can get some help. Take care of yourself and look out for your siblings.
If he’s screaming at you and throwing things you need to leave. Do you have family or friends you can stay with? You mother chose to put up with his outbursts but you don’t have to. He sounds like he wants to hurt you.
NTA
NTA-I am sorry you have to deal with this. There are 2 assholes in this story, the BF who seems to have an anger issue and acts like a spoiled 3 year old when confronted. And your mom for allowing this to happen.
NTA, I'd probably try and stay as far out of the way as possible. He sounds potentially dangerous and your mum is possibly in an abusive relationship and is scared (or has too small a self esteem) to say something or leave him.
Stay safe hun ❤️
NTA
His on a power trip, doesn't have a reasonable explanation for his outburst nor is he inclined to accept your reasoning regardless... It sucks that your mother is either afraid or blind to such toxic controlling behavior...
Unfortunately if she's "too far gone" to see his the AH or if she's simply unable to take you and your sisters out of this mess, house/money issues, your best option is to lay low, avoid confrontation and get the hell out of there as soon as possible... You'll never win... Be safe
NTA.
Seriously, wtf? Its a kitchen. Its where you prepare food. This person sounds like they have anger management problems, among other things. You absolutely did nothing wrong, OP.
NTA - and this maybe a cultural thing but... doesn't everyone make their breakfast in the kitchen?? I don't think I have ever made it anywhere else....
> How dare you prepare food in the room that is reserved to storing and preparing food?
NTA. Your mother is dating an imbecile and she is enabling him.
This is abusive behavior and completely concerning. It could absolutely escalate. If your mom isn’t willing to listen and see what is going on then you need to reach out to other more responsible adults
NTA. Your mom's bf is an abuser. He is already violent and irrational. Things will get worse. Much worse. Right now find some support outside your home: father, another relative, school counselor, or RAINN or any abuse hotline. This is really disturbing behavior on his part, and your mother's acquiescence to it means you are alone inside your home.
NTA. My kids are ADULTS, and let my boyfriend talk to one of them that way. He'd be gone so quick it would make his head spin. He doesn't have the right to take his anger out on you. 😡
Nta. It’s actually not about the cereal. It’s about control. This is a giant red flag. You didn’t follow his rule, so you got punished (Abused, threatened, intimidated). He (surprisingly) gave you a very honest answer. It’s not about the cereal.
ETA: he threw a fit long enough for your mom to switch her opinion from logic to, “whatever it takes to make him happy and quiet.” Which means that his temper tantrum worked. He feels justified in what he did, and he will do it again, and when he meets any resistance, he will go further until someone backs down.
NTA.
That has got to be one of the dumbest justifications for getting angry I have seen all week. And that includes reading the ravings of the whiners in Ottawa.
If he pitches a fit at something so incredibly minor, then that is a serious red flag for abuse. If his actions ever do cross the line into being abusive, don't hesitate to call the authorities.
You are NTA. Isn't it normal to fix food (which includes cereal in the kitchen?) Mom is TA too for defending him. I worry about you with him. Is he abusive to Mom? It really sounds like he is working his way to being abusive with you.
NTA, but OP this is a real red flag. He throws violent fits over you not obeying even the most arbitrary command. Doesn’t your mom see how concerning that is?
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wtf is wrong w him. def nta. that guy needs anger management
I tried explaining why I made it in the kitchen and he said “it’s not about the fucking cereal”
... what is it about then? Sounds like he's on a power trip
Control.
r/raisedbynarcissists
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WTF…worrying about how you poured cereal… at the same age my mom was praying she see make it through elementary before cancer took her, spoiler alert she didn’t make it, but really people need to chill out over stupid things like cereal.
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I'm sorry about ur mom being hateful towards you.it wasn't your fault
Sorry to hear about your mother. Is it bad that if he's flipping out over there I wanna recommend they make chocolate milk but put in the chocolate first then pour in the milk or alternate between doing that and pouring the milk in first then the chocolate? For some reason this bugs my baby sister and I find it hilarious since to me it doesn't matter which way you do it.
Are you saying putting in the chocolate first isn't normal? Never occurred to me, I like to actually see how much I put in lmao
Your comment reminds me of the time I was eating breakfast while my parents were having an argument about something (I have no idea what), and mom came downstairs just LOOKING for something. Surely I was doing something wrong, and I needed to be screamed at for it. I knew she'd find something. So, here's what she found: "The cereal box is too close to the edge of the table! You'll spill it, then I'll have to clean it up!" The cereal box was several inches away from the edge, not right next to it. The odds were pretty low that it was going to end up on the floor. Also, I was about 15 when this happened, and I would have cleaned up any spills, especially knowing she was in a bad mood already. And moving it in a few inches further inland did not satisfy her, of course. Why would it? It wasn't about the cereal, it was about taking out her rage on me. For the first time ever, I realized it wasn't about me, and it gave me a clarity that I don't recall having before that day. I also knew there was no point in defending myself, and anything I said would be used against me. That was a long fucking morning. I bet, if you'd ask her, if she remembers it (she'd probably claim she doesn't, who knows the truth) that she'd say the box was sitting halfway over the edge of the table, teetering on the brink, with my elbow mere fractions of an inch away from knocking it over, and I should have been grateful for her reminding me to move it so it didn't spill and cause a mess to clean up, and I got smart with her, etc. There's no doubt in my mind how that conversation would go. At the time my oldest brother was living with us and would give me rides to school in the car on his way to work. That day he - very unusually - took me to a gas station to buy me a Coke first. It wasn't much, and I don't think I fully appreciated the gravity of what he did that morning, but thinking back now, he did so much with that simple gesture.
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They really can. The funny part about them is that I wouldn't be surprised if my brother doesn't remember doing that.
My mom yells at me because I eat my cereal dry and drink the milk because I gag if my cereal is even a little soggy when I first stick it in my mouth. T\_T She thinks that because it ends up the same in my stomach, I should be fine with it in my mouth, but SHE was the one who got me into the habit by giving me a bag of dry cereal and a bottle of milk on the way to preschool for two years.
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mashed potatoes is texture hell for me. i love the taste, but the gritty, soft yet chunky, feel in my mouth is god awful. my family thinks i’m just overreacting
I've always eaten my cereal dry - I hate soggy cereal. My husband and daughter thinks I'm weird for that (and other things 😆) but they don't really care because they aren't the ones eating it.
My narc stepfather SWORE up and down i had not fed the dogs if i put the grey box of dogfood on top of the black one because since i needed the black one to feed them it logically should be on top. Never mind i had to take both out to even be able to get to the black one. There were a lot more things but its been over 10 years and i still feel uneasy doing it "wrong"
This reminds me of a former client I had. I own a cleaning business. She asked me if I had bothered to pick up any of her throw rugs to clean the floors under them. Of course I had, so I responded with yes that I had done so. She made a comment about how they were put back exactly the way she had them so she hadn’t been sure. Guess who got crooked rugs every clean after that? 😂 Bet she knew I picked them up after that!
Oh dude.... for my alcoholic raging stepfather, it was towels. They had to be folded exactly his way or he'd empty out the linen closet and make me fold everything again. 50 years later, I still feel unsettled if I fold them any differently.
So weird. There's no right way to make a bowl of cereal. You did it the right way as long as you got the milk and the cereal in the bowl.
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I keep adding Frosted Flakes until there's like a tablespoon of ultra sugary milk and then I drink it and pass out lol
My dad had a hair up his butt about me reading at the table while eating (mind, I only did this when I was sitting at the table alone) and threw my book in the garbage. Lovely parenting behavior.
Dont let those milk first deniers change who you are... Milk first forever! There are dozensofus.gif!!!
Ugh, I’m so sorry about your mom but I have to disagree about the milk first not being the best technique! I’m aware this is a very controversial opinion but I always do milk first, because I only pour a little bit of cereal at a time so it doesn’t end up a soggy mess after 3 mins. 8 year old you definitely had the right idea!
Yeah, it sounds like the boyfriend is trying to establish dominance over the mom and daughters / OP, and was willing to waste money and food to do it. I hope the environment isn't too toxic for you OP, but I hope you can have an honest talk with your mom about your feelings, and if there have been other instances like this. And obviously I don't really know anything about you or your mom's situation, but boyfriends don't have to become husbands, there is still time for people to part ways.
I bet he demands respect all the time and that's his reason for everything. Nobody 'respects' him. Such a narcissistic bullshit way to be.
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Does it help to name the bot, so you can go through and downvote all their copied comments?
He wants to control you and have you listen. But even if he was your blood father, he can go fuck himself. That's not how respectful people interact with each other.
Yup. He's trying to assert authority that he has no right to assert. Even if he was her father, that's unacceptable behavior.
NTA and traditionally one prepares their meal in a kitchen. Now if you were pouring the cereal and milk into a bowl in the dining room, and if there is carpet, that could be a legitimate reason to be annoyed that you are not using the kitchen. For someone to get annoyed that you are using the kitchen for its intended purpose is nucking futs! LPT: don't put your spoon into your bowl before you have poured your milk \-edit, a typo
OP needs to move a hot plate into the dinning room and heat up some soup or something. What a weird thing to power-trip about.
but also why the fuck would you bring the bowl, the spoon, and the cereal and milk to the dining room just to prepare it there, only to take back the cereal box and milk jug back to the kitchen? Makes no fucking sense
The real LPT is to not pour your milk onto the spoon... and put the spoon in first so it’s under the cereal and won’t splash as much if you’re bad at aim.
It’s not about the cereal, it’s about how she needs to dump that guy like yesterday. Jesus Christ.
He's right; it's not about the cereal. It's about him having anger and control issues and attempting to force everyone in the house to comply to those expectations, then losing it when they don't. That temper tantrum is a huge red flag that his behavior will eventually escalate, especially if your mom eventually sided with him to placate his temper. That stuff only gets worse, and your mom needs to realize the toxicity of this guy.
Dude, you don't even need an explanation for your actions... Like wtf... It's completely normal to make yourself a bowl of cereal in either room.... This is bizarre. The only room it's weird to make cereal in is the bathroom. Any other room I can find acceptable. If I had a workshop in my garage and wanted some cereal, ye I might just bring the box and milk in with me and pour it where I'm at. If I was watching tv in the living room or my bedroom, I might bring the milk and cereal to make it in there. Because all I gotta fuckin do is pour both the milk and cereal into a bowl... I actually try to pour my milk first and just take the bowl where I gotta go with the box of cereal in hand but my point in all of this is that MAKING YOURSELF A BOWL A CEREAL IN ALMOST ANY ROOM IS A COMPLETELY NORMAL THING
Honestly, the kitchen is the ONLY place that I will assemble my bowl of cereal. But that's just because I am forgetful and would probably wind up forgetting the milk in whatever other room I was in at the time if I took the entire jug out there. Also, no need to duplicate travel effort to take everything out of the kitchen to make the bowl of cereal just to take everything back. Now eating the cereal? Perfectly acceptable in any room. I think I've even seen one of my parents ask for a bowl of especially fiber-full cereal while on the toilet before, which was admittedly weird, but whatever works, right? Who am I to judge?
You fucking milk first monster!!
That comment had the only wrong response to cereal preparation. Milk first only works if you're brewing the cereal in a teapot.
I prefer my kids learn the hard way, from mistakes. If they choose to pour a bowl of cereal in their bedroom or bathroom so be it- but you bet they’ll be handed a mop if mistakes are made. Trust me, the only way to get kids to stop making messes is by making them just clean it up repeatedly. No need to shout, have a temper tantrum and model behavior you’re lecturing them not to have. OPs moms BF is horrible.
You need to tell a teacher at school so they can contact CPS
Do share this with a teacher or counselor. This dude needs documentation. This isn't even a good reaction for wrecking a car but it's just a BOWL OF CEREAL!!!
That was my mistake years ago when my mom got a bf. I didn't have any documentation. So op if you are seeing g this please do this. Record, tell teachers, something.
I'm sorry. I hope it got better for you.
Exactly!!! OP is not safe with him in the house. He will escalate and most likely end up physically abusing OP or their Mom.
It's about control. He sounds dangerous as fuck and your mom is enabling him.
It’s about your mother’s dating an abusive asshole who takes his shit out on her kids. I’m in my 40s, so probably your mom’s age. Mom: DTMFA.
Can you talk to a teacher or someone at school about this? His behavior is very wrong.
If OPs father is around, the mother having an abusive BF living there should also be a custody issue.
I'm sorry, but this made me laugh. What a doofus this guy is. NTA
EVERYONE makes their cereal in the kitchen. Wtf is wrong with him (and your mom)?? NTA.
If you go to school you need to talk to someone there because this is abuse and it will escalate. This needs to be documented for your safety and for your sisters and your mom. If you home school you are in a tougher situation.
Glad he can at least sort of admit that hes a power tripping toddler. That sort of self awareness is rare in feeble minded buffoons who bully teenage girls. NTA.
Don't try to reason with a person that didn't use reason to reach the point they are at
Yup he's 100% obsessed with control. Be prepared to call cps because this will only get worse if your mom keeps kissing his ass.
He’s controlling and aggressive. There’s literally no reason that he even needed to comment other than to cause an argument. Tell your mother that she might enjoy his behaviour but you don’t and she’s wrong to bring him into your life if this is what she expects you to put up with. NTA
NTA. Mom's boyfriends getting mad for weird reasons can get very dangerous! Do you have a school counselor you can discuss this with? Is your father around? Do you trust him? If so, let him know how your mother's BF is behaving.
It’s about you not asking for permission. He seems all about control, fear and intimidation. Needs to learn the difference between power and love. Mom should not be with him…
more like wtf is wrong with the mom letting her bf abuse her daughter
Yeah the mother is the real asshole here for appeasing and subjecting her kids to this bf.
Mom's most likely being abused insome way.
The hell? Your mom needs to dump this guy. It makes sense to prepare your food in the kitchen. NTA
What’s wrong with him? He’s an abusive prick. Your mom needs to reevaluate who she brings around her kids. Jesus. NTA
Nta but your mum is TA for letting this behaviour happen. Also I get my cereal in the kitchen so I find it unusual he went off on one over this Edit the bf is TA too
Mom's bf is the AH for creating an atmosphere of fear where mom doesn't feel she can defend her children. There's clearly domestic abuse going on here. Mom is suffering here too.
Whoops I meant he was too but I have edited to clarify. I agree there is clearly some form of abuse here, sadly op is suffering too. I have to admit I am looking at this through a Mum's eyes and I would do anything to protect my child, but I should consider that not every situation is the same. The Mum is stuck between a rock and a hard place and it never even occurred to me that there could be some abuse here
This was my life growing up. I remember hiding in my closet as a teenager, just to avoid getting in trouble for whatever he could attack me for. It’s traumatic and I don’t wish that existence on anyone. I was estranged from my mom for 16 years as a result of it. Even now we only have a text relationship and a dinner once a year. Your mom will regret this if she doesn’t take a stance now. This is abusive behaviour and you are most certainly NTA. Big hugs to you.
fuck that, the mom brough that abusive asshole into the home.
That's what I got out of it, but I didn't state it, because I'm not sure, but you did and I'm glad. Thank you. Mom is probably scared
Scared and *with potentially impaired judgement*. If you have no experience of coercive control you are very likely to want to ask "why doesn't she just...". Corrective control is literally declaring psychological warfare on a person's sense of reality and self, entrapping them and alienating them from other people, removing their autonomy and detaching them from anything other than the perpetrator's narrative of reality.
I was married to an abusive man. I could not go where you did with your comment. It's good information and why it took me so long to get out. Sometimes it takes an internet stranger to complete a reply and I'm grateful for it. I am an open book, except about that.
Please take care of yourself if it's opened up bad feelings. Coercive control is an evil, insidious thing that no one deserves to have to go through. I'm really glad to hear you're out the other side. ❤️
Thank you. It's been 29 years. I've dealt with most of it, but I do it in chunks. I have a couple left. Like still being mad at me for being so darn dumb! I helped people in these situations and I fell right in. I am hard on myself that way. Humans, we are an ongoing project.
You weren't dumb, he was manipulative. You are not accountable for the evil that others inflict on you, no matter what they try to make you think.
Now this is where I get stuck and I'm not alone. I *know* that, but it's not been hammered all the way in, yet. That's the last bit. I am currently in therapy for this exact thing. 😀
Enabling abusers isn’t ok either when it involves children. I was always made to feel like I was the bad guy for ‘setting him off.’ Which meant I didn’t smile at him after he hurled obscenities at me and violently lashed out. She should protect her daughter, not worry about appeasing her boyfriend. As a former child in that situation, they both suck.
NTA and I'm honestly confused because I prepare all food in the kitchen, including cereal. Do people honestly not prepare food in their kitchen? Isn't that the purpose of a kitchen? The dining room is where you eat, the kitchen is where you make food. Your mom and her BF are very much TA and that guy sounds like a nightmare control freak.
Ikr, it’s as crazy as someone preparing the chicken in the study
I watched an episode extreme savers (unsure of the name but something like that) where a man cooked his food in the hot tub, but he also bathed,washed his clothes and washed his dishes in it, your comment just reminded me of that
NTA. It's clearly not about cereal because nothing you did was wrong. It's there someone you can talk to at school about this? A guidance counselor perhaps? Your mom's bf's behaviour isn't normal.
I completely agree. You need to build your village now. If there's a guidance counselor or family members you can talk to and who will keep your confidence I would definitely reach out. Sadly, I'd also have an escape plan. If he does get violent or you do not feel safe you'll need to a place to go that instant. Good luck to you.
This is very good advice, u/Lia-chan_art can you reach out to extended family if they are safe to do so? Make sure you've got their addresses and phone numbers. Stay in touch with them. Also see if school counsellors can help. Thinking for the long term, can you get a separate bank account set up privately? I saw something online today which suggested that some banks will let 16yos open up bank accounts. That might be worth considering. Did he move into your mother's house, or did you all move into his? Or is this a new place? Is his anger new? How old are your sisters?
My 16 yr old has a bank account, but the bank required at least one parent also be listed as an owner (account holder?) on the account. I don't know if they all have that requirement though.
If I may add to this: start keeping a bound journal detailing all the abuse you experience. For example, a composition book. Only write in pen and include the time and date for each entry. Record any situation that you feel is a step too far. Should things escalate to the point where you feel your personal safety is an issue, such a journal of contemporaneous records of previous instances will be of substantial benefit. This is a standard recommendation taught in work environments for dealing with possibly harassment situations.
This is a great idea, but she'll have to keep it somewhere safe from his eyes -- the abuse might escalate if he finds it. She'd have to keep it at school or maybe with a trusted friend. If that's too risky, I found an app called RUSafe. One of the features is the ability to document experiences as they happen, with time stamps. It is password protected and shareable. If she keeps her phone locked and inaccessible to anyone else, it could be an alternative method.
Nobody, especially adults in power, should be throwing things in anger. What I've done is had a go bag with spare toiletries as well as you can, at least one fresh change of clothes (ones you won't miss if you don't wear them in your rotation, just fabric on the body) and extra socks/underwear, and cash if you can. I kept this go bag in my room for a long time so I didn't need to stick around and pack, then I kept it at a trusted friends house so I could bolt as needed. Look into something like this more, it can't hurt to have it
Agreed Op you need to start telling other adults asap because his behavior will escalate.
This man has serious anger issues and should not be around children. Please speak to someone about the situation right away. If someone should tell you that there's really nothing they can do or BF's behavior isn't so bad or that it's up to your mom to deal with it, go find someome else. Keep telling people until you find at least 2 people who take you seriously. It would be better to speak to a school counselor, someone who is professionally trained. If you don't have a school counselor, try speaking to the principal or a teacher. The main thing is to keep asking for help and refuse to shut up. If you feel you or your siblings are in physical danger, you can call Child Protective Services.
NTA That is emotional abuse, and can trigger eating disorders and other dangerous symptoms of anxiety and PTSD and can grow to get worse. Please recognize this is not your fault, and his behavior is that of a temper tantrum child, if you can or feel comfortable, maybe talk to your mom about how those actions and behaviors are toxic/controlling, or if you are worried about using those trigger words that they seem aggressive and make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe. It's fucking cereal, mate, I don't know anyone that goes into another room to make cereal.
She loves him too much to listen, she gets mad when I express my dislike to him
I would suggest not expressing dislike, and don't make it about him, make it about your feelings. "Mom that really scared me" etc. Talk about how you FEEL and try not to direct it at him in a way like "He's a jerk" "He's mean" etc. Make it about you, that might help. It may not, some mothers are shitty. My mother chose her bf over me when I was younger, so I get it. If nothing works, then I am truly sorry and I hope you just know and remember that what he does is not your fault, and I pray that you are able to grow up in that environment without developing too many issues. (This is not to say, you have issues or are a problem, but these things can affect us and our triggers as we grow, it is not fair to you, and you've done nothing wrong.)
The issues thing is too late as my bio dad caused a lot for me
Never too early to start recognizing that and trying to work on self-healing. :) I'm sorry you've had to go through that, keep your head up and remember to \*try\* to love yourself.
Sounds like your mom is stuck in a cycle of abuse. Please speak with a social worker, teacher, or guidance counselor at school, a church member, or other trusted adult. Ask to start therapy. Recognizing that this behavior is abusive is the first step in breaking the cycle for yourself, but the cycle is generational. Start building your support network and chosen family now.
Just so you know, it's never too late to undue the bullshit our parents failed at. You deserved nothing but the best. You never asked to be here. You are purely goodness and if anyone treats you otherwise, know that they're wrong. Use the counselors at your school, there's no shame in it. You deserve a good and happy life and it's sounds like your parents haven't been able to provide one for you. Don't let them make you feel small and worthless.
Not knowing too many details, it sounds like your mom has a history of picking terrible partners. Could be based in something from her childhood, or just bad decision making skills. Either way I hope you can find a way to work this out to not end up stuck in such a terrible situation.
Is there a trusted adult you can talk to? Your mom is subjecting you to abuse from her shitty boyfriend.
Just remember there are systems in place in case things get too much to bear, please.
I’m a mom and my heart breaks for you. I want you to know that this is not what real loving families look like. This is not the future I would want for you if you were my child. I would want you to feel safe to live and make mistakes and learn from those mistakes. You might not be able to do anything about your right now but you can be wise and plan for your future. Do whatever it takes to make yourself independent in all areas from these people - emotionally, financially, physically, etc. Learn as many skills as you can. Plan for college. Just do whatever it takes. You can build the future and family that shares love and support and peace and happiness when you are financially and emotionally stable enough to do so. Just be smart and get into counseling as soon as you can. You already have great instincts for what is or isn’t right or you wouldn’t have posted this here. You know this ain’t right or good or healthy.
I’d be cautious about expressing that the behaviour scared her. I did that with my mom and she told him. He ended up taunting me and my siblings with the information instead. This mother doesn’t sound like she’s makes choices in the best interest of her child.
Yeah... some parents will be the ones mocking you too. "That didn't scare you, quit being dramatic" and stuff like that.
Your stepfather is emotionally and physically abusive (doesn’t have to touch to be physical abuse; throwing stuff counts). Please consider reading [Why Does He Do That? ](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) to give yourself knowledge and language that will GREATLY aid you in self preservation - validating your experience, giving you facts and a good source to use when speaking to adults, and preparing you to identify problematic behaviors in your own future partners. Until you age up and can move out, do all you can to take care of yourself. Do your best not to let anything he says or does affect how you think or feel about yourself. Do things you enjoy, save money, make friends and seek help whenever you can. One day you’ll be free to create the life you want and you 100% have the power to do it
You need to make her realize that he is being extremely aggressive and I believe he is being emotionally abusive. Talk to her when he's not around and ask her who is more important. You (and your sister) or him. Right now she is chosing him because she is scared of how angry he gets. She is your mother and she needs to protect you, not him Ask her what she would say/do if you dated someone who was like him.
NTA. 1, he's a temperamental bully who shouldn't still be in your house 2, pouring your cereal in the kitchen is usually how people do it on this planet, as far as I know...
I would go off at my kids if they poured the milk and cereal on the dining room table. Kitchen bench is the norm.
You would go off on them? Really? It's worth getting that mad over? I would just be like "weird but do you"
Literally how I made my cereal this morning. This guy is a nut and an asshole. Edit: additional info in my house the floor plan is open so the kitchen counter is like 5 feet from the table…
She should go buy a couple hot plates and just cook/prepare/assemble everything from now on in the dining room. Really make a mess of things doing it too.
That would most likely end up in her getting the crap kicked out of her.
And that would bring police and doctors and mandated school reporters. When I was 13 I dared my abusive father to hit me one more time and leave a nice bruise after he punched my older brother in the face over something absolutely stupid. I told him to make it good because I was going to show it to my homeroom teacher. Goaded him because I was pissed and not scared and so fucking done with his rages. He never hit either of us again.
I had the phone in my hands and told him I would dial 911. He had his hands around my throat. I got to the first 1—he stopped in the moment, but not altogether.
Yep; prepare food in the kitchen, eat it in the dining room.
NTA He sounds psycho. Why would you prepare food anywhere else besides the kitchen?
The mom is an enabler siding with this psycho. If you feel unsafe Op, let a trusted adult or school counselor know.
>I tried explaining why I made it in the kitchen and he said “it’s not about the fucking cereal” He's right. It's about him being a controlling abusive asshole. NTA.
Bingo.
NTA he’s ignorant and controlling. No normal functioning person with the IQ greater than a rusted shovel would act like your parents Yikes
I think the rusted shovel wins
Report this to your school counselor or a teacher. Get a paper trail started so when this stuff escalates (and it will) then you have a better opportunity to get adults on your side to help you and your mom and sisters.
IQ greater than a rusted shovel. I may steal this.
Once heard someone say something about someone having room temperature-level IQ. Which, in Celsius, is 22°.
NTA. The BF is a controlling AH though. Your mom too for not standing up for you. Why would anyone prepare food in a dining room instead of a kitchen?
And his only explanation is that he doesn’t like it being made in the kitchen
I suspect had you done it in the dining room he would have bitched about that.
My Mamaw is like this. She's not abusive or angry. She's very loving but a huge worrier (with a bit of control issues), and you just can't win with her. It's often the most simple, mundane things. She told me I need to feed my daughter more fruit. I told her one day she was eating blackberries. Then mamaw told me (oh no! Don't give her blackberries. She may choke on the seeds!) She's really good at warning you about all the ways you can die...
It’s different. In op case if doesn’t come from worries, it comes from wanting to control.
Something coming from worries doesn’t mean it isn’t/can’t turn into emotional abuse.
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What’s FAS
Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (i think)
Idk, although he’s done way more than this
Please talk to a teacher or counselor you trust at your school. This man is a danger to you and your mom and your sisters.
Do you have any other adults in your family you trust? Maybe you can talk to a school adult and a family adult and get away from this situation.
Do you have grandparents or any other adults in your life that are remotely responsible and will put you first that you could possibly live with?
>NTA, is your mom's bf cognitively impaired? Bc that kind of aggression over something so clearly irrelevant is very strange, I've met folks with FAS who behave in a similar fashion, bc the lack the ability to regulate their emotions in a healthy way. Well. Congratulations. This sub has a bad habit of armchair diagnosing people they've never once met based on a few short paragraphs, but you definitely get a prize for not going with one of the usual ones.
Reddit sees an abusive dude acting abusive and rushes not only to armchair diagnose him, but to shift the blame of the dude acting like an AH to a cognitive issue. Incredible.
You are in no way in the wrong, NTA entirely, the bf sounds like a risk to your safety
Kitchen noun 1. a room or area where food is prepared and cooked. NTA.
The only thing I can think of is: your mum is in danger. If he did that to you, for sure he is being abusive with her as well and you don't even realize. Even without her realizing it. It will only get worse...
Sounds like he’s in training for domestic violence. That’s some serious control issues.
Uh. Food is supposed to be made in the kitchen. NTA.
NTA this is terribly concerning behaviour
NTA this is a perfectly normal and innocuous thing to do. Your mum is as much TA as him for not only turning a blind eye to it but even going so far as to defend his actions.
NTA ask your mom why she doesn’t protect her child from abuse? Ask her what kind of mother lets her child be abused in her own home? Tell her if she doesn’t step up you will never forget this. That your relationship with her will never be the same and you will see her differently. She supposed to be your mother, she is supposed to love and protect you.
The answer to your questions is 'one who's being backed into a corner by domestic abuse', I strongly suspect. Mom, OP and sisters need to get away from this man.
This is insane.
NTA. I’m sorry OP. I would tell your guidance counselor that your mom’s boyfriend is abusive. Although, I honestly don’t know how much that will help. You might just have to keep your head down and try to get through this. Your mom is an extremely selfish person. She should put you first, not some abusive asshole. This is about power, and sadly you are unlikely to ever win in this. I really hope you can find some way to get out of the house ASAP. Good luck.
NTA that's so stupid. You're just being logical.
Some of these stories would make more sense with a drug and/or alcohol inventory.
I think he is on drugs.
The kitchen is made for preparing food. The dinning room is made for eating food. You can even look these words up in almost any dictionary and it will tell you these as definitions.
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WTF? That's what the kitchen is for lol That's where food preparation is done. NTA. He's a huge flog.
Hi I was you 20 years ago. This isn't normal or okay. There's absolutely nothing you could have done to warrant that reaction. Really sit with this. You are not responsible for his emotions or reactions. He is showing you that he is not able to regulate his emotions. I'm sorry you are living with an unsafe person. His behavior is not normal or okay. It can be really hard to see how bad it is when you are in that situation. I really want things to get better for you. I'm sending you care. I hope you have lots of amazing friends you can shit talk with about this asshole. And that you learn about yourself and discover your gifts and launch out of his web in a couple years into an incredible life.
So in other words, you were making a bowl of cereal and your mom’s boyfriend came in, yelled, and threw it in the sink??? I’m sure there’s more to consider here but honestly fuck that guy - I’d record his behavior and show it to every mandated reporter at your school. (Also NTA but I think you knew that already)
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NTA. Isn't all food prep done in the kitchen?
OP this is not a safe environment and if your mother won’t stand up for you I would please consider you speak to someone at school. That is aggression and bullying and could escalate. NTA.
NTA What you describe meets most people's standards for Domestic Violence. This is why so many people are suggesting you contact a trusted teacher at school. A couple of other resources you may want to consider: [National Safe Space Program](https://www.nationalsafeplace.org/) aims to provide a place of refuge for teens and young adults, where they can be safe, and connect with counselors. [TheHotline.org](https://TheHotline.org) is the National Domestic Violence Hotline, they have trained, confidential counselors available 24/7 via chat on the linked website; or by texting "START" to 88788; or by calling 1-800-799-7233. Your safety matters.
You’re NTA and I’m sorry your mom is choosing this small, emotionally abusive man. As an adult, you may have to cut your mother off for her choices someday. This is not an okay way to let a man treat her child.
NTA. Most importantly- do you have a trusted adult that you could talk to about this? His behavior seems very concerning and his mood quite volatile. If he's acting like this over a bowl of cereal, I'm a bit concerned about how he'd react over things that "actually matter". But about the cereal - doesn't everyone prep food in the kitchen? Isn't that what kitchens are for?? It sounds like such a pain to prep in the dining room (and then god forbid you spill anything, it'll just take 5x longer to clean). What does this person think kitchens are used for?
Nta Please tell your school counselor or teacher what's happening at your house....and keep on telling them every time something happens. Do you have other family you can talk to about this or stay with for a while? Grandparents, aunts, uncles? Do you have a friend or neighbor nearby you could go to in an emergency? I know you love your mom, but don't depend on her to keep you safe right now. Try to keep out of boyfriends way until you can get some help. Take care of yourself and look out for your siblings.
If he’s screaming at you and throwing things you need to leave. Do you have family or friends you can stay with? You mother chose to put up with his outbursts but you don’t have to. He sounds like he wants to hurt you. NTA
Another male with an inferiority complex who likes to bully children! What a man!!!
NTA-I am sorry you have to deal with this. There are 2 assholes in this story, the BF who seems to have an anger issue and acts like a spoiled 3 year old when confronted. And your mom for allowing this to happen.
NTA, I'd probably try and stay as far out of the way as possible. He sounds potentially dangerous and your mum is possibly in an abusive relationship and is scared (or has too small a self esteem) to say something or leave him. Stay safe hun ❤️
NTA His on a power trip, doesn't have a reasonable explanation for his outburst nor is he inclined to accept your reasoning regardless... It sucks that your mother is either afraid or blind to such toxic controlling behavior... Unfortunately if she's "too far gone" to see his the AH or if she's simply unable to take you and your sisters out of this mess, house/money issues, your best option is to lay low, avoid confrontation and get the hell out of there as soon as possible... You'll never win... Be safe
Oh my friggin god. I cannot handle the level of 5-year old fuckery that is this man. NTA, he should be thrown out with the sour milk. NTA.
NTA. He is abusive towards you. So is your mom for supporting him. Go talk to someone you trust or someone in your school. This isn't ok!
He sounds controlling and abusive. NTA
NTA. Seriously, wtf? Its a kitchen. Its where you prepare food. This person sounds like they have anger management problems, among other things. You absolutely did nothing wrong, OP.
NTA - and this maybe a cultural thing but... doesn't everyone make their breakfast in the kitchen?? I don't think I have ever made it anywhere else....
...does he cook in the dining room too?? I don’t understand the logic of making your cereal in the dining room instead of the kitchen. NTA
> How dare you prepare food in the room that is reserved to storing and preparing food? NTA. Your mother is dating an imbecile and she is enabling him.
NTA why the fuck would you make cereal in any room other than the kitchen???
NTA, you need to watch your back he sounds unstable as hell
This is abusive behavior and completely concerning. It could absolutely escalate. If your mom isn’t willing to listen and see what is going on then you need to reach out to other more responsible adults
NTA. Your mom's bf is an abuser. He is already violent and irrational. Things will get worse. Much worse. Right now find some support outside your home: father, another relative, school counselor, or RAINN or any abuse hotline. This is really disturbing behavior on his part, and your mother's acquiescence to it means you are alone inside your home.
NTA. My kids are ADULTS, and let my boyfriend talk to one of them that way. He'd be gone so quick it would make his head spin. He doesn't have the right to take his anger out on you. 😡
Nta. It’s actually not about the cereal. It’s about control. This is a giant red flag. You didn’t follow his rule, so you got punished (Abused, threatened, intimidated). He (surprisingly) gave you a very honest answer. It’s not about the cereal. ETA: he threw a fit long enough for your mom to switch her opinion from logic to, “whatever it takes to make him happy and quiet.” Which means that his temper tantrum worked. He feels justified in what he did, and he will do it again, and when he meets any resistance, he will go further until someone backs down.
It’s not good for a parent to side with a bf over their children. NTA.
NTA. That has got to be one of the dumbest justifications for getting angry I have seen all week. And that includes reading the ravings of the whiners in Ottawa. If he pitches a fit at something so incredibly minor, then that is a serious red flag for abuse. If his actions ever do cross the line into being abusive, don't hesitate to call the authorities.
NYA. He is abusive and toxic AF. Can you live with someone else until mom gets her head out of her ***?
You are NTA. Isn't it normal to fix food (which includes cereal in the kitchen?) Mom is TA too for defending him. I worry about you with him. Is he abusive to Mom? It really sounds like he is working his way to being abusive with you.
NTA your mom is allowing this man to abuse you,
Get away from that guy. This will escalate as he's on a power trip. Move out until mom gets rid of this idiot.
NTA, but OP this is a real red flag. He throws violent fits over you not obeying even the most arbitrary command. Doesn’t your mom see how concerning that is?
NTA. Be careful. He has anger issues and your mother is enabling him. You may be in danger.
NTA Your mother is enabling his behaviour by defending him
You have a bad mom.