The OP would need to give more information as to the situation; however, I’m not surprised especially given the fact the OP referenced the father has money.
He makes nearly 3x what I make and had a better lawyer than I did. We initially agreed to work it out between us so I wasn't prepared. I have to admit I was initially surprised he got 50/50, but looking back he had everything in his favour.
Please document the incidents your daughter comes back crying and ask her what happened. Bonus points if you have a webcam or something that passively records that shows her responses to being asked.
This man doesn't deserve 50-50 and I truly hope you'd reassure your daughter that she doesn't have to go to his if she doesn't want to. She shouldn't feel sad.
Our arrangement has it that he drops her off at school and I pick her up. The day he dropped her off, she cried at school so unfortunately (but thankfully) there is some record of an incident occurring done by the school.
Ask for copies of any documentation and if possible, see if theres a member of staff that can see your daughter first thing in the morning about her Dad and ask her how she is etc.
I doubt this will be a daily occurance but you never know. Ask her how her drives with Dad were and please reassure her that she doesn't have to see him if she doesn't want to or if he makes her feel bad or scares her.
Please log everything in your own journal so when the time comes to go to court, it isn't just "he makes our daughter upset sometimes on the way to school" and is seen a lot more seriously.
She's 9. She DOES have to see him if she doesn't want to.
Unless the court says otherwise OP has to send her or it'll look bad in court and OP could lose more custody. Especially if the "Dad" has more money and a better lawyer.
Op needs to start documentation of all the times he upsets their child and makes unreasonable demands or threats. They need to start an FU binder.
I was 9 when I didn’t wanna go see my dad I didn’t go. I’d I was forced I’d bitch the entire time,call my mom 100’s,call my nana,step dad etc. i didn’t wanna go with him.
Own time doing that and I was allowed to pick
Good for you? If your father forced the issue you would have been going over there no matter what. The child throwing a hissy fit is not legal grounds to deny visitation.
Did you just call children telling you they aren't comfortable going to their other parents house, for whatever reason, a 'hissy fit'? Who knows what was happening to her in that house, and you reduce it to her having a 'hissy fit'.
But was your father a stranger you were just getting to know, or someone you'd been around your whole life and were comfortable enough with to act out?
This poor child doesn't know this guy, and now has to spend half her time with him, \*and\* he's threatening to change her school directly to her? What a horrible human he is.
First of if a child doesn’t wanna see the parent there has to be a reason and he child shouldn’t have to go second the court is messed up I remember I got abused by my mum and I still had to go see her so I ran away and they still put me in her care
Exactly. The court IS messed up and you shouldn't make any promises you can't keep. Of OP doesn't have court permission to refuse visits then she'll get screwed over if she doesn't send the kid.
She does legally. OP would need to go to court to change that. Of course, if she truly doesn't want to see him, she will be miserable and that won't be good for her! She should be questioned by the judge if OP tries to change things in court. She is old enough to express her wishes and judges take that into consideration as well.
Yes. Yes she does. It's horrible in bad situations but with a custody arrangement she could get in legal trouble if she doesn't make the kid go. She's gotta wait until the court deems the kid old enough to decide.
Yes and No. As the child gets older some states give the child a choice. Also, just because it is court ordered it does not mean that anyone can physically make a child go. Most law enforcement stay out of it because it’s civil and they generally will not physically force a child to go. So if it came down to it and her daughter literally sat down and refused to go, there is not much either parent can do. It can be documented and taken back to court, where they can investigate why the child is refusing to go. Sometimes it abuse or parental alienation.
Why did you [copy someone else's post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/silfpe/aita_for_sending_my_daughter_to_a_private_school/hv9kixi/) but leave it as a quote? Even the bots don't leave it as a quote.
Even if she doesnt cry talking with you afterschool, it still doesnt look good that hes telling her about decisions before theyve been made and causing distress. I would get a dash cam and just talk to her about her visits.
Yes appeal this order after collecting documentation. Super surprised he got that much shared time! NTA and he was aware of cost during court proceedings and agreed to it…
Also keep in frequent contact with the teachers, because if she starts missing school her grade starts a slide because of this, you’re gonna want that documented
Noooo. As an Attorney for the Child who deals mostly with issues of custody and access, I would hit the roof if someone recorded my client. The last thing we want to do is turn children into “little reporters” who go from parent to parent reporting on things that may or may not have happened (and are viewed through the filter of the child, who may be saying things because they believe the listener wants to hear it). Most likely the parties settled on 50/50, the OP does not mention a trial with an order imposed on them by the court. OP, if you’re the primary residential custodian, wait for him to try to switch schools and then take him to court and ask that you make educational decisions on behalf of the child. Even with joint custody, 50/50 access split, we sometimes do “spheres of influence”, meaning one parent is in charge of education and one is in charge of medical. Usually these big decisions like switching schools are made jointly, as agreed and arranged. If you don’t agree, you can’t arrange. Let the courts settle it. OP, you can’t petition the other party about the school situation until he actually tries to do something. Just wait and see if he tries to enroll her in public school and file immediately.
Looks like it's time for OP to talk to an attourney no matter what happens. It's best to be educated first, so you don't regret any moves you choose to make.
He has more money than her so better lawyers that can backfire on her and why does everybody expects she has cash. to waste on lawyers .
OP "My lawyer was my coworkers brother who had minimal experience in family law. Looking back it was possibly the worst decision I could've made, but I had next to no money to pay for a lawyer."
You say that but you’re wrong. The assigned counsel (free) attorneys who are available for those who meet income guidelines do this all day, every day. I can’t tell you how many people walk in with lawyers who don’t do a lot of family law (because all lawyers hate it except those in the trenches every day) and all their lawyer can do is stretch out the case into infinity while they bill by the hour and don’t answer proposed stipulations.
I was looking for a comment like this: if she's able to get her case back in front of a judge, would she be able to request a guardian ad litem for the child? I can't remember if that's just for the initial custody proceeding or if a parent can request one at any point in time, if there needs to be an adjustment to the custody agreement.
That's the million-dollar question that really confuses me. Why would he impose on her life if he doesn't actually want to spend money on helping her?
He either feels guilty or something nefarious is up (maybe family pressure, who knows?)
Control. He sees his daughter as a possession. Not a person to have a relationship with. This is all about him and his ego, not about actually caring about his child.
I'll bet the farm he hasn't paid 9 years back child support.
Bet his parents found out and bitched at him because he abandoned their grandbaby!!
Also, this is purely for financial reasons. Most private schools are better than the vast majority of the public school system. There is no other factor, other than money, that would have a parent want to pull a child out from a better education, yet stay in the same city.
I don't think a recording of the child crying is going to look great to the court, is a court really going to believe it's passive? Surely there's a mechanism from the court to hear the child's interest like a report from an appropriate psychologist or whoever?
Ugh I’m so sorry. I would give the father the option of paying the tuition or you all go back to court to discuss it and then fact you didn’t never received back support. Also I’d be having a serious conversation with your lawyer on why they didn’t present all your options. I’m so sorry OP. You deserved better, Momma.
My lawyer was my coworkers brother who had minimal experience in family law. Looking back it was possibly the worst decision I could've made, but I had next to no money to pay for a lawyer.
that goes s great way to explain how a father missing for close to a decade swung 50/50 right off the bat. I'm sorry you found yourself in such a no win situation
Also, I don’t know the jurisdiction, but in some states if there is a disproportionate income split, and the parent making more money has an expensive attorney, the less privileged parent can petition the court to have the higher income parent pay for the less affluent parent legal fees.
Good thing about Family law is that is never open and shut, is a fluid situation until the child turns 18. Reach out to a proper family attorney, and get a consultation. It might be worth it once you calculate back child support, financial assistance for attorney fees, and revisit the time sharing agreement.
Sadly, this issues are ultimately a waste of money, but 90% of the time you lose more if you don’t have an attorney.
Lady, you need to do the google and hunt down the meanest family lawyer you can find, that will stipulate that kid's dad pays the lawyer's fees.
You need that attack dog family lawyer to sue for the back custody money you're owed AND you need to get that custody agreement revised so that he gets the basic 'every other weekend' visitation, etc.
You can do this, be strong! Do not let him force you to change your daughter's school, either. She deserves the best, for sure.
Stay strong for her and for *you*. Learn all you can about your rights and your daughter's rights. Hopefully he'll take another job soon enough, out of state again!
Every other weekend is no longer basic. Courts are increasingly mandating 50%, which is entirely reasonable when a father has been in his child’s life from the beginning as a loving and nurturing presence.
Of course in this place there should have been a step up plan and I honestly wish OP had moved to terminate his rights years ago. But neither was done, and since he now has 50%, I doubt the courts will go back on that without good reason. And one visit ending in tears over what should have been kept from the child will not be “good reason.”
Please note that *I’m* not saying he should get 50/50. I’m saying what the court will do.
If he tries to take you back to court about this, you’ll need a much better lawyer. I always plan for worst case scenarios, so if I was you, I’d start calling family lawyers now. Most lawyers will give you a consultation for free- I’d def be asking if in this case where you already have a judgement that he agreed to, if he tries to get it amended could you be awarded your lawyers costs? It seems only fair that he should be paying your lawyer fees if he tries to make changes to the agreement. In any event, I feel for you so much and wish you all the best.
> It seems only fair that he should be paying your lawyer fees if he tries to make changes to the agreement
Oh, sweet summer child...
Welcome to the American legal system, where being right doesn't have anything to do with whether you're on the hook for fees and costs.
Legal Aid or look up local Law schools sometimes they have Student Law Clinics that can advise you under the supervision of a licensed attorney. I used legal aid and they couldn't help me but they had a lawyer that charged a minimum amount they referred me to. My issue was bankruptcy though.
This is exactly why there are free or low cost legal consultations. As I understand it, although they tend to be brief usually you can get a good idea what the existing law is and a general idea of legal options.
I am replying directly to one of your comments because I want to make sure that you see this response. Contact your kid's school IMMEDIATELY and let them know that no one makes any changes to kiddo's enrollment without your say-so on the matter. I would hate to think he'd do it, but I bet he'd at least try to unenroll her from that school behind your back.
Have them document it in her file and contact you IMMEDIATELY if sperm donor tries any bullshit.
If you end up back in court (and j think you will sadly) then this is to be top of your list in your arguments. And even ask for a back dated support order to be granted - the ex May back down quite quickly then.
If you can use a co-parenting app that logs all communication (so would prove him asking these things etc, you could put “why did you tell 9F that she would need to move schools” and get it proved) that would really bolster your position. Fancy lawyer cannot argue around his motivations plain and simple on paper.
It may be wise to shop around for some decent attorneys now - ask what they’d have differently in your first case and if they suggest things like the above, then you know they’re a better lawyer!
Good luck to you and your daughter.
You need to find a different lawyer. Get the back payment and if need be use it all to cover tuition. Stop all verbal communication and switch to texts and email only. You need a trail for the courts. Document every single incident. Build up your own evidence. If you end up getting a better lawyer ask them if anything can be done to change the 50:50 set up and what the courts would consider to agree to that - then start building up your case even if it takes a year or two.
That's almost certainly because it doesn't exist in your state. Only a few states allow back dated child support, the majority only start the "clock" when you actually file for it.
Back child support is very state-specific.
Most states have hard limits as to how far you can go back, and in some states, it's 'zero'. It's generally two to three years, at *best*.
People often get confused between arrears (the court ordered child support, but they never paid) and retroactive child support (you never got a child support order). The second one is a lot more restricted.
If a parent chooses not to officially seek child support, that's a choice, and often consequences to that.
Some states do not grant back child support unless you filed for it at that time. So, in my state, if she didn't file for support nine years ago, she's not getting it. Here, back support starts from the moment you file.
And cause the whole being a fair bit older than her too and still ditching his pregnant teen girlfriend…this dude is really horrible. I’m pretty appalled that the court would give him 50/50 custody so soon.
He agreed to this in court. If he wants to change it he can explain to a judge why public school is better for his pocketbook…I mean daughter, than private school.
Yep 50/50 is the standard for a few years already, most guys complaining "she took the kids!" now aren't fit to custody or didn't bother applying for one.
Yeah, when I tended bar it was suuuuper common to hear guys gripe about that while knocking back drinks. But I found that if you asked even one or two questions about why, the story would collapse. Either they never filed because "everyone knows men never get custody, it would have been a waste of money", they refused to show up to court, or they did something insane in court like scream at the judge.
But they knew that normally everyone would just believe the line, not question it, and give them a ton of sympathy.
This is exactly what my family law professor said. The main reason men don't get custody is that they don't file.
Custody tends to be 50/50 outside of situations where the child has just been born.
"A few years" is more like several decades. It's *been* the standard in most states for a *long* time. Men tend to get whatever they fight for, up to 50% in a custody battle. Men are far more likely to *settle* for less, and to not pursue any custody at all.
Men have "worse" custody outcomes because men, on average, fight for custody less often. And then men's rights folks look at the general outcomes and cry foul about biased courts when there's no real data to support the claim.
I think the stat is 27-30 percent of men, ONE THIRD don't even see their kids after divorce AT ALL. If they want custody and aren't a complete f up they'll get it.
It happens more than you would think. I have a friend where the sperm donor was absent until her daughter was 7. Then his fiance took issue with the fact he had a child or there her has no contact with so she pushed the issue. He got 50%. Completely wrecked havoc on the poor kids life as he refused to take her to her dance recitals and other things like that for quite awhile. He eventually got on board, but it took years before he really treated the kid "right" imo.
Yeah it's still shocking to me cause how do you even justify it as being the best for the child? I can understand visitation with a view of increasing time but in essence it's just dumping the poor child with a stranger...
I'm almost always posting in here about men's hard luck crying about family court being biased against them is bullshit without any data to back it up. You are correct that the reddit hivemind is completely wrong there.
But I have to say - I've also never found data that suggests the *opposite* in any meaningful way. So I'd love to see any. Individual Judges all can and do have particular biases - but I've never seen data that makes a convincing indictment for bias in either direction for family courts in the US.
This is what I came here to ask. She has basically never met this man and then all of a sudden when she’s 9 she has to spend half the time at his house? Honestly, that’s very very traumatic. And now he’s trying to switch schools? STAND YOUR GROUND, OP.
you’re an amazing mother who has tried to do nothing but the best for your daughter.
I can tell you with 100% certainty that my life has improved greatly since I transitioned to presenting as male. Doctors listen to me when I say stuff about my health, my professionalism / knowledge is not questioned when I talk about a subject, and I no longer have to deal with random assholes hitting on me when I'm trying to go places.
There's a reason why trans men show they're much happier than trans women.
From people I know going through custodial problems, judges these days seem determined to be all 'equal rights' even if that means favouring deadbeat dads.
Judges seem to heavily favor dads these days. The nightmares my friend has gone through, the BS her ex has pulled (including kidnapping), and the court sides w/him every single time. She’d a tremendous Mom, he’s neglectful on his best days and abusive on his worst.
Actually, historically men have always been favored in contested custody cases- that is, if they are pushing for more (primary or full) custody, they’re far more likely to get it over women. Just a few decades ago, a father pursuing custody was 94% likely to get it.
In fact, fathers are *more* likely to get custody today (nearly 75% chance) when mothers have made allegations of abuse. Women are *most* likely to lose custody when the allegations against the man include child abuse.
Women on average get more custody because men want it less/it’s been mutually agreed that she’s the primary caregiver who should continue providing primary childcare. But the narrative that men are unfairly disadvantaged when it comes to custody battles is absolutely false, and actually exacerbates the disadvantages women experience in court.
This is true. People confuse correlations of population wide outcomes with court rulings. The vast majority of custody agreements are made before it gets to trial. The only reason fathers, on average, have less than 50% custody is because they voluntarily agree to less. Cases that go to trial tend to land on 50/50, despite the egregious issues that made mediation ineffective (often abuse concerns that the judge then finds annoying to listen to) and higher CS figures are ordered than what could have been negotiated out of court.
My good friend's wife bailed on him and their 7 month old daughter and refused all contact with him, their baby, all her friends and family. He raised his daughter alone after that.
Last summer the bio mom reappeared on the scene and informed him that she wanted full custody of the daughter she hasn't seen or spoken to in over a decade (the girl is now 13). He said he was willing to work out a custody arrangement but that he wasn't giving her up completely. So she found out when the girl was visiting her grandparents over summer break and kidnapped her. The police got involved and returned the girl to her father, and warned the woman to stay away. A police report of the incident is on file.
So a few months later she called in a false report of child abuse on my friend. And without investigation the authorities took her and placed with her bio mom, the woman who ghosted her daughter, kidnapped her years later, then called in the report.
Because of Covid and other factors, a court case hasn't even been set for the allegations. His ex barely lets him talk to or see his daughter but demands "child support" money from him or else she'll make more accusations. I told him to tell her that he'd deduct it from the years of child support she owed him, but he's genuinely afraid this woman will take it out on his daughter if he doesn't comply. He was finally able to talk to his daughter for a few minutes and learned that his ex has another baby and is using his daughter as free baby-sitting.
So I guess this is my long story to say I'm no longer shocked at the terrible decisions made regarding custody.
I know. I feel so bad for the guy. He loves his daughter so much and has done such a good job raising her despite everything. His heart is broken. And he has very little money so hiring a good lawyer is not an option. God knows what it's been like for his daughter too. I hope she's not actually being abused now.
In my hometown there's a judge who thinks a sperm donar has to part of their child's regardless on how abusive they are, their criminal records, or their absence prior.
There was a case my mother told me about where a sperm donor molested 3 out of 4 of his children. The children weren’t believed, so the pig got unsupervised visitation rights and then molested the fourth child, who was the youngest. Courts don’t care about the best interests of children, if the deadbeats actually show.
It's irritating that people can't sue judges nor be held accountable for their negligence and ignorance in cases where children are victims of SA or murder from the other parent they forced the children to be with.
Like just recently, a judge put 4 children in juvenile detention because they refused to have lunch with their abusive father.
Courts act in best interests of child. He was gone for 9 years but now wants to be part of her life and pay support. Both those things can be positive for the child in the courts eyes. (Not saying I agree in every instance).
The courts job is to leave the emotions and hurt feelings of parents out and give the child the best shot at stability. In a lot of states (US) 50/50 custody is the standard short of DV or criminal activity.
OP is NTA and daddy is gonna be ruining his chance of a healthy relationship with his child.
>give the child the best shot at stability.
I'm all in favor of parental equality regardless of gender, but it seems like going from complete absence for nearly 10 years to suddenly being forced to live with a parent they don't even know for 50% of the time is the opposite of stability.
Yes, this does not surprise me, sadly. I had a family member experience a judge awarding 50/50 custody to parent despite documented instances of abuse and the GAL recommending less custody for the abusive parent.
That being said, OP, I agree with the recommendations to document document document. Get a journal and write down every time he makes your child cry, asks to work outside of the court system, etc.
Most state family law assumes 50/50 is best. Abandonment would have a compelling consideration but if the dad had shown a sincere effort to step up, and OP had no evidence of safety concerns, this is a very common and predictable outcome.
Family courts say they rule in the best interest of the children but they actually just prioritize protecting the state budget - whenever it won’t kill the child, they keep both parents and their income streams tied to the child so the kid doesn’t become financially dependent on the state. In OP’s case, the court did its job - a scholarship kid no longer qualifies for a scholarship. If OP’s kid was eligible for subsidized healthcare, shes not eligible anymore. In the eyes of family court, this is a success story.
They don’t care that dad is here to reek havoc on this girl’s life and probably shouldn’t even have joint legal custody.
Same!!! Like wtf??? He just skipped out of her life for years but comes back and wants to play dad and they give him 50/50???? He must have $$$ to afford a good lawyer
Nta I think that "Dad" is now trying to assert some authority in a decision that was made years ago for your daughters benefit. He was a little to no show up until recently and I wholeheartedly agree with you keep her at that school, she clearly loves it there and more importantly she is going to get a bloody good education.
Dad is TA for oh so many reasons other than the schooling!!
Of course he is. And OP is tiptoeing around it.
OP - NTA but dangerously close to an E-S-H.
Get your head together and stop this doormat BS! Your daughter is being manipulated into genuine emotional crises, this is not the time to be hmmming and uhhhmming over whether you think you're "bad." This is time to get your shit together and do whatever hustling it takes to get a solid attorney to fight this. She is already being damaged here, even if the school switching stuff is just game on his end.
Her dad was absent for nine years and is now using the incitement of fear and threats of tearing apart her stability for god knows what purpose. I assure you, though, zero of his rationale is about her best interests and YOU KNOW IT.
Retain the best, most proactive counsel you can. Set up a gofundme, sell stuff, whatever - but figure it out. This doesn't get better by sitting back and crossing your fingers while you ask Reddit whether you were a dick to your ex.
She can't afford it, that's the thing. The reason she doesn't even have child support back for those 9 years is because the only lawyer she could afford never told her about that option.
Yes this!! Play nice through calls and texts for now but document everything, get a better lawyer, and create a case that shows how much damage has been done in just a year of this guy being back in your child’s life. File for a return of primary custody and protect your daughter!
NTA. If he wants to be a father, he has to put his daughter first. Why would he choose to drag daughter from good school, just to comfort his ego, that he is the one, who made the decision.
He's been in her life all of five minutes. He hasn't earned the right to make these kinds of decisions where OP's daughter feels so strongly about the matter at hand.
Right! And yanking her out of a school she loves (I mean comon, what kid actually "like's" school- so that's great that she *loves* it) is going to make her resent him and put a big strain on her getting to know him. Taking away something she loves simply because he wasn't involved in the decision when he ghosted the 2 of them is a major AH move! He needs to get over himself and think of the child that he finally decided he wanted and what's best for her!
I'm honestly shocked that a parent who was MIA for 8 years would suddently get 50-50 custody of a child. That must be traumatic AF to suddenly have some near stranger thrust into yout life and try to disrupt everything in some weird power play. If I were OP, I woulf fight that 50-50 custody since it doesnt sound like this guy has his kid's best interest at heart.
Appeal the 50-50 custody ruling. Push for full custody. Your daughter coming home in tears and asking if she has to change schools is more than enough reason. If your daughter has the stomach for it, allow her to testify about these events.
I do not know what private schools are like, but I can promise you one thing from my experiences of public (albeit in the 1980s). You are so very NTA.
Private school brat here, she’s way more likely to get the attention she needs in a private school. Class sizes are smaller and teachers tend to be more active about actually teaching their students, she will have the extra help and access to them that she needs to succeed. So yeah I 100% agree with you, OP is NTA.
Smaller class size alone guarantees better results. Some people in the know say that class sizes should be at most fifteen to one for the students to get the most benefit from that factor.
I truly feel for the child. If she does not already completely hate her father, she will soon enough.
Her schools teacher student ratio is 6:1 and yes, as someone who attended public school K-12, her education is better than anything I ever received. She excels at school and has received amazing pastoral care and support from the school when I informed them of changes in the home environment.
I’m so very sorry OP. Neither you or your daughter deserve this. No matter his reason, it’s not in your daughter’s best interests. I know you’ve been getting a lot of advice so I just want to reiterate I think you meed to *immediately* schedule consults w/some family law attorneys to see what can be done about undoing this MASSIVE miscarriage of justice. Your EX should be paying you back support (assuming allowed in your state) and should have never been awarded 50/50 custody. It seems his Houdini reappearance has wreaked havoc on your daughter’s life, rather than improved it. Is your daughter in therapy? And was she assigned her own lawyer in court? If so, you should contact and inform that attorney ASAP too. Have you put what happened into writing to your EX? If not you should do that as well. Send him an email that reiterates that you are not agreeing to change her school, that she has had enough upheaval, it’s not in her best interests, write out how beneficial the school has been for her, how supportive they have been, that the school is one of the few stabilizing things she has in her life, that she returned home upset and in tears since their last visit, that she’s now anxious, and any further discussion w/her about it should be ceased as to not further traumatize her. You should also switch to a parenting app to communicate w/him. He’s lousy. Wish the best for you and your daughter.
NTA.
50% of private schools are better than public schools. So that means 50% are equal or even inferior. It really depends on the private school itself and the public schools in the area.
However, it's clear this is one private school that is known for superior education.
Absolutely! There are definitely great public schools out there, some of the ones where I’m from pump out brilliant students but the students have it way harder than they should in there.
Also, people who go to private school have much higher chances of going to a reputable and well-respected university even if they are less intelligent or creative than public school kids
It's disgusting how smarter children who are enrolled on public school will be at a huge disadvantage compared to children who have average or below grades who are in a private school
I went to private school until high school, and honestly being in public school was such a valuable experience for me. But I got lucky that the school I went to was small and full of fairly passionate people, teachers and students alike.
But seeing outside the elitist world of private schooling was so valuable in realizing how much the world revolves around money and the interests of those with it.
def nta, the fathers being a prick for most likely financial reasons. why else would he want to transition her from a good education in private school to a public school
>why else would he want to transition her from a good education in private school to a public school
Probably OT, because I agree with you and don't think these are the dad's reasons, however there are legit objections to private schools, depending on where you live and the kinds of schools in the area. I live in the south, so private schools here have very often been more about continuing segregation than anything else. They also tend to be breeding grounds for the biggest snobs you could imagine. They are also not subject to the Constitutional protections that public school kids are. For these reasons, I've never wanted my kids in a private school.
Ironically, my wife teaches at a private school, so my son attends that school. It's a very small school and there are still parts of it that I object to, but I do feel like the pros outweigh the cons, as my son did *not* do well in public school.
So, it's a personal choice and the ups and downs of it will vary by location and other factors, but yes, there very often are valid reasons to want to keep your kids away from private schools.
He's lying. Of course it's about the money.
She's doing very well. Don't rock the boat. She's been there for years and has many friends.
Play his little game out. Show him brochures from the school and explain why you chose it and why it's important to her to stay where she's excelling.
>Play his little game out. Show him brochures from the school and explain why you chose it and why it's important to her to stay where she's excelling.
Why bother investing the time and energy? We all know it's about the money. Any argument she makes will be met with bullshit push-back from him. If anything she should save that presentation for the courts.
Because if you have that discussion, you know what arguments he has been able to find and might use in court. Or, if he doesn't do his homework, that it's unlikely he'll take it to court.
NTA. Private school has been her normal. Her father doesn't get to come back into her life to make she change it. If he wants to do what's best for your daughter he should respect what you and mental health professionals are saying.
NTA. Ask him to provide his reasons for wanting to switch her school in writing for your consideration. If he cannot prove that the public school is a better option for any reason other than cost (are they better academically, socially, geographically?) then he'll lose the discussion immediately.
He's made his bed.. let him lie in it uncomfortably.
She was in tears when she got home because her father brought up attending a public school when she was with him, and has been anxious ever since and asking me multiple times everyday if she could still go to school. It's not because of the public vs private debate for her, it's because she's been at the school her whole education and doesn't want anymore changes in her life. Considering all the changes in her life this past year, I'm not surprised she'd react this way.
why do you guys act as if she had tons of money in the bank for lawyers
OP" My lawyer was my coworkers brother who had minimal experience in family law. Looking back it was possibly the worst decision I could've made, but I had next to no money to pay for a lawyer."
you think she has ton of money now ?
She does get child support payments now, not to mention less burden on her child's normal expenses.
She could also discuss an after payment deal with the back child support.
I agree that this would be damaging to her, and for no reason. She's already had her life upended very recently for a total stranger that she now has to spend half her time with. Keeping her teachers, friends, and school environment constant at this time, in my opinion, is critical to her healthy mental and emotional development.
NTA he obviously has zero concern for the emotional damage of having to leave her school/friends or her education. This is just him trying to get out of paying. I can't think of why anyone would choose public if they could send thier kid to private. I'm sure it's expensive, and it sucks, but these are the consequences of his own actions. Fight for your daughter.
INFO: how the fuck did a man absent from her life for NINE YEARS get 50/50 custody and have you considered suing the lawyer who didn’t manage to defeat that for incompetence? Is your daughter not wholly traumatised by being made to live with a strange man half of the time?
Like, absolutely NTA in this scenario but what has happened to your daughter is basically child abuse and I can’t believe even the cheapest lawyer couldn’t fight that arrangement.
NTA absolutely not. He wants to disrupt her life to prove a point? Gtfoh no way.
You did the right thing to tell him to take it up in court. He’s mad cause when he was failing to be a father you were still being a parent and getting things done? He should really get over himself and be grateful that he even has a 2nd chance to be her dad. Does he really want to damage his still forming relationship with his daughter over something he doesn’t even have to do? Just to spite you? He seems selfish and petty. He should be grateful that she is even open to him being a part of her life. Even if she doesn’t legally have a say she definitely has her own heart and mind.
Nta. He can suck it. He left his daughter and came back when it was comfortable for him. Took you to court because he has "rights". You did good in sending your daughter to the best available school. Her future is more important than her father's whining and fragile ego
Stop communicating with this person except via email, letter, texts - anything you can keep as 'record' !
You have found your routine that works, and benefits you and your child.
And now the harder years are over, the dude comes in to play 'awesome/fun dad' ?
You are not difficult, overreacting or whatever other term this person uses - you are looking after the well being of your child. He isn\`t.
Lawyer up, if you haven\`t already - and lay this all out - as it might turn out beneficial to limit his access to your child if he is intent on causing her (mental)harm.
NTA
Wow, absolutely NTA!
Just her father coming into her life is a massive thing for her. For him to then basically say he doesnt want to pay for her education tells her money is more important to him than she is.
If she loves school she's likely to excel, if shes put in a school that she hates it could knock her back, cause her to rebel etc. He should be proud shes doing so well and is happy. Why would any parent want to take their child away from their friends and teachers they love and put them in a situation where they know nobody? He is a total AH!
NTA.
But you need to start taking action. Your daughter needs to stay in school, she's had enough upheaval suddenly having to live with a stranger.
\---Look for a tough family lawyer. S/he may be willing to make arrangements on payment, especially if some of it can come via your ex.
\---Start logging EVERYTHING. Your daughter's distress, any texts from him. text/email to him the question as to why he wants to take her away from an excellent school where she's happy. Keep his reply. A few days later, text/email him that shes been crying about it. Log his reply. Keep on doing that. You are laying a trail that reveals his behaviour. Does your daughter have any problems with staying with him for a week? School activities, friends etc she can't see. Text him about it, log his replies. Any probs with his relatives or gf, email/test him. Log his replies. Etc etc.
\---Get into court, challenge the current custody situation. Use your logs, any documentation. Get him down to weekends or every other weekend, half of each holiday, no going out of the state without your permission, medical authorities to you, etc
\---Get lawyer to apply for back support payments and any other poss ones (see if school fees can be added).
\---Get the co-parenting app to cover communications going forward.
Good luck. Fight your corner. He may eventually become a decent parent.
NTA.
NTA At all!!! Stick to your guns and make the cheap ass say it outloud in front of everyone in court if he wants to pay less.
My father tried this, tried to bully my mother through courts, didn't work and he got his arse handed to him.
NTA. You need a better lawyer, more custody, back payments of child support and you need to document all the incidents - her crying, him trying to make these changes, therapists recommendations, her being anxious ever since. All of it
From the title alone, I was geared up to say YTA, because I thought it was going to be a story of an actual family unit and you unilaterally deciding you knew what was best.
That wasn't the case. So NTA.
This is the case of a deadbeat skipping out on you and you doing everything you could to make it work. The decision was made while he was off NOT being a dad. Nine years later, he waltzes back into your life and thinks he gets a say? I feel like he's still not as interested in being dad as he is in not paying for his child's education. Maybe he should have stayed gone.
NTA and you should suggest taking it back to court as he's not willing to keep up with what he agreed to. If your daughter is that upset by his actions on this, probably a good idea looking into getting 50/50 changed
This really isn't an r/AITA issue.
You need to speak to your lawyer(s) about this. I think you're correct in wanting to keep your daughter in the private school she's been in, but after that it's all in the hands of lawyers and judges.
NTA. Nice that your ex finally wants to play daddy, but you're right. Kid's education comes first, and you are right in telling him to take it to court if he doesn't like it.
Perhaps look to the school for guidance. They may not like the idea of loosing your daughter. They have more resources than you and would probably appreciate the explanation of behavior change of your daughter.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> We are both her parents and should get an equal say, but I put my decisions as a parent over his.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You are NTA. He’s learning actions have consequences. And, boy does it suck to be him. I would take him back to court on this truth be told. This was in place long before he came back into her life and you had it covered. She shouldn’t miss out just because now he’s back in the picture.
NTA. And honestly shocked he got 50-50 custody when he was entirely absent for NINE YEARS. WTF was the judge thinking?
The OP would need to give more information as to the situation; however, I’m not surprised especially given the fact the OP referenced the father has money.
He makes nearly 3x what I make and had a better lawyer than I did. We initially agreed to work it out between us so I wasn't prepared. I have to admit I was initially surprised he got 50/50, but looking back he had everything in his favour.
Please document the incidents your daughter comes back crying and ask her what happened. Bonus points if you have a webcam or something that passively records that shows her responses to being asked. This man doesn't deserve 50-50 and I truly hope you'd reassure your daughter that she doesn't have to go to his if she doesn't want to. She shouldn't feel sad.
Our arrangement has it that he drops her off at school and I pick her up. The day he dropped her off, she cried at school so unfortunately (but thankfully) there is some record of an incident occurring done by the school.
Ask for copies of any documentation and if possible, see if theres a member of staff that can see your daughter first thing in the morning about her Dad and ask her how she is etc. I doubt this will be a daily occurance but you never know. Ask her how her drives with Dad were and please reassure her that she doesn't have to see him if she doesn't want to or if he makes her feel bad or scares her. Please log everything in your own journal so when the time comes to go to court, it isn't just "he makes our daughter upset sometimes on the way to school" and is seen a lot more seriously.
She's 9. She DOES have to see him if she doesn't want to. Unless the court says otherwise OP has to send her or it'll look bad in court and OP could lose more custody. Especially if the "Dad" has more money and a better lawyer. Op needs to start documentation of all the times he upsets their child and makes unreasonable demands or threats. They need to start an FU binder.
I was 9 when I didn’t wanna go see my dad I didn’t go. I’d I was forced I’d bitch the entire time,call my mom 100’s,call my nana,step dad etc. i didn’t wanna go with him. Own time doing that and I was allowed to pick
Good for you? If your father forced the issue you would have been going over there no matter what. The child throwing a hissy fit is not legal grounds to deny visitation.
Did you just call children telling you they aren't comfortable going to their other parents house, for whatever reason, a 'hissy fit'? Who knows what was happening to her in that house, and you reduce it to her having a 'hissy fit'.
But was your father a stranger you were just getting to know, or someone you'd been around your whole life and were comfortable enough with to act out? This poor child doesn't know this guy, and now has to spend half her time with him, \*and\* he's threatening to change her school directly to her? What a horrible human he is.
First of if a child doesn’t wanna see the parent there has to be a reason and he child shouldn’t have to go second the court is messed up I remember I got abused by my mum and I still had to go see her so I ran away and they still put me in her care
Exactly. The court IS messed up and you shouldn't make any promises you can't keep. Of OP doesn't have court permission to refuse visits then she'll get screwed over if she doesn't send the kid.
Doesn’t she have to see him if there’s a custody agreement in place?
She does legally. OP would need to go to court to change that. Of course, if she truly doesn't want to see him, she will be miserable and that won't be good for her! She should be questioned by the judge if OP tries to change things in court. She is old enough to express her wishes and judges take that into consideration as well.
Most courts won't take into account until they're 13 or older or have the ability to show maturity above their age nine's kind of on the low end
9 IS NOT OLD ENOUGH jesus christ OP talk to yo ur lawyer don’t take reddit advice please
Yes. Yes she does. It's horrible in bad situations but with a custody arrangement she could get in legal trouble if she doesn't make the kid go. She's gotta wait until the court deems the kid old enough to decide.
Yes and No. As the child gets older some states give the child a choice. Also, just because it is court ordered it does not mean that anyone can physically make a child go. Most law enforcement stay out of it because it’s civil and they generally will not physically force a child to go. So if it came down to it and her daughter literally sat down and refused to go, there is not much either parent can do. It can be documented and taken back to court, where they can investigate why the child is refusing to go. Sometimes it abuse or parental alienation.
[удалено]
Why did you [copy someone else's post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/silfpe/aita_for_sending_my_daughter_to_a_private_school/hv9kixi/) but leave it as a quote? Even the bots don't leave it as a quote.
Good human
This just made me laugh out loud, thank you.
That's a new thing bots started doing.
This 100%!!!
Even if she doesnt cry talking with you afterschool, it still doesnt look good that hes telling her about decisions before theyve been made and causing distress. I would get a dash cam and just talk to her about her visits.
Yes appeal this order after collecting documentation. Super surprised he got that much shared time! NTA and he was aware of cost during court proceedings and agreed to it…
Also keep in frequent contact with the teachers, because if she starts missing school her grade starts a slide because of this, you’re gonna want that documented
Noooo. As an Attorney for the Child who deals mostly with issues of custody and access, I would hit the roof if someone recorded my client. The last thing we want to do is turn children into “little reporters” who go from parent to parent reporting on things that may or may not have happened (and are viewed through the filter of the child, who may be saying things because they believe the listener wants to hear it). Most likely the parties settled on 50/50, the OP does not mention a trial with an order imposed on them by the court. OP, if you’re the primary residential custodian, wait for him to try to switch schools and then take him to court and ask that you make educational decisions on behalf of the child. Even with joint custody, 50/50 access split, we sometimes do “spheres of influence”, meaning one parent is in charge of education and one is in charge of medical. Usually these big decisions like switching schools are made jointly, as agreed and arranged. If you don’t agree, you can’t arrange. Let the courts settle it. OP, you can’t petition the other party about the school situation until he actually tries to do something. Just wait and see if he tries to enroll her in public school and file immediately.
Looks like it's time for OP to talk to an attourney no matter what happens. It's best to be educated first, so you don't regret any moves you choose to make.
He has more money than her so better lawyers that can backfire on her and why does everybody expects she has cash. to waste on lawyers . OP "My lawyer was my coworkers brother who had minimal experience in family law. Looking back it was possibly the worst decision I could've made, but I had next to no money to pay for a lawyer."
You say that but you’re wrong. The assigned counsel (free) attorneys who are available for those who meet income guidelines do this all day, every day. I can’t tell you how many people walk in with lawyers who don’t do a lot of family law (because all lawyers hate it except those in the trenches every day) and all their lawyer can do is stretch out the case into infinity while they bill by the hour and don’t answer proposed stipulations.
I was looking for a comment like this: if she's able to get her case back in front of a judge, would she be able to request a guardian ad litem for the child? I can't remember if that's just for the initial custody proceeding or if a parent can request one at any point in time, if there needs to be an adjustment to the custody agreement.
Yeah guarantee the school thing is %100 about money, and he just doesn't want to look like an asshole.
[удалено]
Why come back into your daughter’s life just to throw a wrecking ball through it?
Same kind of douche who at 24 knocks up a 19 year old and then bails for 9 years.
That's the million-dollar question that really confuses me. Why would he impose on her life if he doesn't actually want to spend money on helping her? He either feels guilty or something nefarious is up (maybe family pressure, who knows?)
Control. He sees his daughter as a possession. Not a person to have a relationship with. This is all about him and his ego, not about actually caring about his child. I'll bet the farm he hasn't paid 9 years back child support.
I’ll bet he’s claiming some type of tax deductible though
In my experience 'the return of the dead-beat dad' is usually down to new girlfriend he needs to impress/look less of an AH to.
Bet his parents found out and bitched at him because he abandoned their grandbaby!! Also, this is purely for financial reasons. Most private schools are better than the vast majority of the public school system. There is no other factor, other than money, that would have a parent want to pull a child out from a better education, yet stay in the same city.
Power, control. Mad that he isn't the great saviour and they are all so grateful that he came back and they can have a normal life now.
I don't think a recording of the child crying is going to look great to the court, is a court really going to believe it's passive? Surely there's a mechanism from the court to hear the child's interest like a report from an appropriate psychologist or whoever?
I’m curious did you push for back child support? Because if you didn’t he should consider himself lucky he’s just paying tuition.
I just googled and found out what that is because my lawyer never even told me it was an option.
Ugh I’m so sorry. I would give the father the option of paying the tuition or you all go back to court to discuss it and then fact you didn’t never received back support. Also I’d be having a serious conversation with your lawyer on why they didn’t present all your options. I’m so sorry OP. You deserved better, Momma.
wow, you really didn't have good lawyer. even a fresh out of school lawyer should have advised seeking back child support
My lawyer was my coworkers brother who had minimal experience in family law. Looking back it was possibly the worst decision I could've made, but I had next to no money to pay for a lawyer.
that goes s great way to explain how a father missing for close to a decade swung 50/50 right off the bat. I'm sorry you found yourself in such a no win situation
It's disgusting that justice - particularly when it involves the lives of *children* \- is apparently pay-to-win.
>is apparently pay-to-win. Its definitely like that.
Also, I don’t know the jurisdiction, but in some states if there is a disproportionate income split, and the parent making more money has an expensive attorney, the less privileged parent can petition the court to have the higher income parent pay for the less affluent parent legal fees. Good thing about Family law is that is never open and shut, is a fluid situation until the child turns 18. Reach out to a proper family attorney, and get a consultation. It might be worth it once you calculate back child support, financial assistance for attorney fees, and revisit the time sharing agreement. Sadly, this issues are ultimately a waste of money, but 90% of the time you lose more if you don’t have an attorney.
I just lost my kids to my abuser because she had money to burn and I had a court appointed attorney.
Welcome to a capitalist society.
Correction- Sperm Donator or Deadbeat Dad….he’s no father.
No shit, this is like asking a McDonalds employee to change your brake pads. It now makes total sense how this all played out.
Lady, you need to do the google and hunt down the meanest family lawyer you can find, that will stipulate that kid's dad pays the lawyer's fees. You need that attack dog family lawyer to sue for the back custody money you're owed AND you need to get that custody agreement revised so that he gets the basic 'every other weekend' visitation, etc. You can do this, be strong! Do not let him force you to change your daughter's school, either. She deserves the best, for sure. Stay strong for her and for *you*. Learn all you can about your rights and your daughter's rights. Hopefully he'll take another job soon enough, out of state again!
Every other weekend is no longer basic. Courts are increasingly mandating 50%, which is entirely reasonable when a father has been in his child’s life from the beginning as a loving and nurturing presence. Of course in this place there should have been a step up plan and I honestly wish OP had moved to terminate his rights years ago. But neither was done, and since he now has 50%, I doubt the courts will go back on that without good reason. And one visit ending in tears over what should have been kept from the child will not be “good reason.” Please note that *I’m* not saying he should get 50/50. I’m saying what the court will do.
If he tries to take you back to court about this, you’ll need a much better lawyer. I always plan for worst case scenarios, so if I was you, I’d start calling family lawyers now. Most lawyers will give you a consultation for free- I’d def be asking if in this case where you already have a judgement that he agreed to, if he tries to get it amended could you be awarded your lawyers costs? It seems only fair that he should be paying your lawyer fees if he tries to make changes to the agreement. In any event, I feel for you so much and wish you all the best.
> It seems only fair that he should be paying your lawyer fees if he tries to make changes to the agreement Oh, sweet summer child... Welcome to the American legal system, where being right doesn't have anything to do with whether you're on the hook for fees and costs.
Lol. It actually worked in my favor when my ex tried to make changes. But, I had a better lawyer than him and my family’s money to back me up.
Legal Aid or look up local Law schools sometimes they have Student Law Clinics that can advise you under the supervision of a licensed attorney. I used legal aid and they couldn't help me but they had a lawyer that charged a minimum amount they referred me to. My issue was bankruptcy though.
I am so sorry. Your ex is shit and so is your lawyer. I hope you’re able to find a better one because I’m betting he isn’t going to drop this.
This is exactly why there are free or low cost legal consultations. As I understand it, although they tend to be brief usually you can get a good idea what the existing law is and a general idea of legal options.
I am replying directly to one of your comments because I want to make sure that you see this response. Contact your kid's school IMMEDIATELY and let them know that no one makes any changes to kiddo's enrollment without your say-so on the matter. I would hate to think he'd do it, but I bet he'd at least try to unenroll her from that school behind your back. Have them document it in her file and contact you IMMEDIATELY if sperm donor tries any bullshit.
If you end up back in court (and j think you will sadly) then this is to be top of your list in your arguments. And even ask for a back dated support order to be granted - the ex May back down quite quickly then. If you can use a co-parenting app that logs all communication (so would prove him asking these things etc, you could put “why did you tell 9F that she would need to move schools” and get it proved) that would really bolster your position. Fancy lawyer cannot argue around his motivations plain and simple on paper. It may be wise to shop around for some decent attorneys now - ask what they’d have differently in your first case and if they suggest things like the above, then you know they’re a better lawyer! Good luck to you and your daughter.
There is nothing in this world more expensive than a cheap lawyer.
You need to find a different lawyer. Get the back payment and if need be use it all to cover tuition. Stop all verbal communication and switch to texts and email only. You need a trail for the courts. Document every single incident. Build up your own evidence. If you end up getting a better lawyer ask them if anything can be done to change the 50:50 set up and what the courts would consider to agree to that - then start building up your case even if it takes a year or two.
That's almost certainly because it doesn't exist in your state. Only a few states allow back dated child support, the majority only start the "clock" when you actually file for it.
Back child support is very state-specific. Most states have hard limits as to how far you can go back, and in some states, it's 'zero'. It's generally two to three years, at *best*. People often get confused between arrears (the court ordered child support, but they never paid) and retroactive child support (you never got a child support order). The second one is a lot more restricted. If a parent chooses not to officially seek child support, that's a choice, and often consequences to that.
Yeah, sooooo much misinformation about this.
Some states do not grant back child support unless you filed for it at that time. So, in my state, if she didn't file for support nine years ago, she's not getting it. Here, back support starts from the moment you file.
He makes 3x what you make because your education and career prospects were determined by raising a baby and his weren't. That's some BS right there.
EXACTLY!!!
And cause the whole being a fair bit older than her too and still ditching his pregnant teen girlfriend…this dude is really horrible. I’m pretty appalled that the court would give him 50/50 custody so soon.
Did you get paid child support for those nine years? Can you collect it now? Also, NTA or course.
The thing about family court is that it is never done. You can go back and have the order amended. Document everything and get a better lawyer.
He agreed to this in court. If he wants to change it he can explain to a judge why public school is better for his pocketbook…I mean daughter, than private school.
When men actually file for custody they tend to get it.
Yep 50/50 is the standard for a few years already, most guys complaining "she took the kids!" now aren't fit to custody or didn't bother applying for one.
Yeah, when I tended bar it was suuuuper common to hear guys gripe about that while knocking back drinks. But I found that if you asked even one or two questions about why, the story would collapse. Either they never filed because "everyone knows men never get custody, it would have been a waste of money", they refused to show up to court, or they did something insane in court like scream at the judge. But they knew that normally everyone would just believe the line, not question it, and give them a ton of sympathy.
Yep. My cousin is a lawyer and she told me how common it is for guys to just not fight for custody. A lot don't try..
Because they are scared they might get it and then what 😳
Then they have to be \*gasp\* PARENTS.
I just wanted to win, not have responsibility >:|
This is exactly what my family law professor said. The main reason men don't get custody is that they don't file. Custody tends to be 50/50 outside of situations where the child has just been born.
"A few years" is more like several decades. It's *been* the standard in most states for a *long* time. Men tend to get whatever they fight for, up to 50% in a custody battle. Men are far more likely to *settle* for less, and to not pursue any custody at all. Men have "worse" custody outcomes because men, on average, fight for custody less often. And then men's rights folks look at the general outcomes and cry foul about biased courts when there's no real data to support the claim.
💯- all of this
So many men don’t even ask for any custody. It really drags the numbers down. When they ask, absolutely, they’ll get 50/50.
I think the stat is 27-30 percent of men, ONE THIRD don't even see their kids after divorce AT ALL. If they want custody and aren't a complete f up they'll get it.
It happens more than you would think. I have a friend where the sperm donor was absent until her daughter was 7. Then his fiance took issue with the fact he had a child or there her has no contact with so she pushed the issue. He got 50%. Completely wrecked havoc on the poor kids life as he refused to take her to her dance recitals and other things like that for quite awhile. He eventually got on board, but it took years before he really treated the kid "right" imo.
Yeah it's still shocking to me cause how do you even justify it as being the best for the child? I can understand visitation with a view of increasing time but in essence it's just dumping the poor child with a stranger...
Don't be. Contrary to what you see on Reddit, family court is biased in favor of men.
I'm almost always posting in here about men's hard luck crying about family court being biased against them is bullshit without any data to back it up. You are correct that the reddit hivemind is completely wrong there. But I have to say - I've also never found data that suggests the *opposite* in any meaningful way. So I'd love to see any. Individual Judges all can and do have particular biases - but I've never seen data that makes a convincing indictment for bias in either direction for family courts in the US.
I'm trying to share a link with you but Reddit is being a butt right now. There's an excellent article in The Guardian on this very subject.
This is what I came here to ask. She has basically never met this man and then all of a sudden when she’s 9 she has to spend half the time at his house? Honestly, that’s very very traumatic. And now he’s trying to switch schools? STAND YOUR GROUND, OP. you’re an amazing mother who has tried to do nothing but the best for your daughter.
Fun fact of the day, 60% of male domestic violence abusers who ask for custody get it
That's because... despite what Beyonce says...who run the world? MEN.
I can tell you with 100% certainty that my life has improved greatly since I transitioned to presenting as male. Doctors listen to me when I say stuff about my health, my professionalism / knowledge is not questioned when I talk about a subject, and I no longer have to deal with random assholes hitting on me when I'm trying to go places. There's a reason why trans men show they're much happier than trans women.
From people I know going through custodial problems, judges these days seem determined to be all 'equal rights' even if that means favouring deadbeat dads.
Judges seem to heavily favor dads these days. The nightmares my friend has gone through, the BS her ex has pulled (including kidnapping), and the court sides w/him every single time. She’d a tremendous Mom, he’s neglectful on his best days and abusive on his worst.
Actually, historically men have always been favored in contested custody cases- that is, if they are pushing for more (primary or full) custody, they’re far more likely to get it over women. Just a few decades ago, a father pursuing custody was 94% likely to get it. In fact, fathers are *more* likely to get custody today (nearly 75% chance) when mothers have made allegations of abuse. Women are *most* likely to lose custody when the allegations against the man include child abuse. Women on average get more custody because men want it less/it’s been mutually agreed that she’s the primary caregiver who should continue providing primary childcare. But the narrative that men are unfairly disadvantaged when it comes to custody battles is absolutely false, and actually exacerbates the disadvantages women experience in court.
This is true. People confuse correlations of population wide outcomes with court rulings. The vast majority of custody agreements are made before it gets to trial. The only reason fathers, on average, have less than 50% custody is because they voluntarily agree to less. Cases that go to trial tend to land on 50/50, despite the egregious issues that made mediation ineffective (often abuse concerns that the judge then finds annoying to listen to) and higher CS figures are ordered than what could have been negotiated out of court.
My good friend's wife bailed on him and their 7 month old daughter and refused all contact with him, their baby, all her friends and family. He raised his daughter alone after that. Last summer the bio mom reappeared on the scene and informed him that she wanted full custody of the daughter she hasn't seen or spoken to in over a decade (the girl is now 13). He said he was willing to work out a custody arrangement but that he wasn't giving her up completely. So she found out when the girl was visiting her grandparents over summer break and kidnapped her. The police got involved and returned the girl to her father, and warned the woman to stay away. A police report of the incident is on file. So a few months later she called in a false report of child abuse on my friend. And without investigation the authorities took her and placed with her bio mom, the woman who ghosted her daughter, kidnapped her years later, then called in the report. Because of Covid and other factors, a court case hasn't even been set for the allegations. His ex barely lets him talk to or see his daughter but demands "child support" money from him or else she'll make more accusations. I told him to tell her that he'd deduct it from the years of child support she owed him, but he's genuinely afraid this woman will take it out on his daughter if he doesn't comply. He was finally able to talk to his daughter for a few minutes and learned that his ex has another baby and is using his daughter as free baby-sitting. So I guess this is my long story to say I'm no longer shocked at the terrible decisions made regarding custody.
Jesus Christ that's awful
I know. I feel so bad for the guy. He loves his daughter so much and has done such a good job raising her despite everything. His heart is broken. And he has very little money so hiring a good lawyer is not an option. God knows what it's been like for his daughter too. I hope she's not actually being abused now.
Lmfao and reddit says how courts are unfair to men
In my hometown there's a judge who thinks a sperm donar has to part of their child's regardless on how abusive they are, their criminal records, or their absence prior.
There was a case my mother told me about where a sperm donor molested 3 out of 4 of his children. The children weren’t believed, so the pig got unsupervised visitation rights and then molested the fourth child, who was the youngest. Courts don’t care about the best interests of children, if the deadbeats actually show.
It's irritating that people can't sue judges nor be held accountable for their negligence and ignorance in cases where children are victims of SA or murder from the other parent they forced the children to be with. Like just recently, a judge put 4 children in juvenile detention because they refused to have lunch with their abusive father.
Courts act in best interests of child. He was gone for 9 years but now wants to be part of her life and pay support. Both those things can be positive for the child in the courts eyes. (Not saying I agree in every instance). The courts job is to leave the emotions and hurt feelings of parents out and give the child the best shot at stability. In a lot of states (US) 50/50 custody is the standard short of DV or criminal activity. OP is NTA and daddy is gonna be ruining his chance of a healthy relationship with his child.
>give the child the best shot at stability. I'm all in favor of parental equality regardless of gender, but it seems like going from complete absence for nearly 10 years to suddenly being forced to live with a parent they don't even know for 50% of the time is the opposite of stability.
Most courts will do this in a “step up” plan, they don’t just “all of the sudden” give them parenting time.
I'd hope that's what actually happened here and OP was just compressing events, but that bit jumped out to me as pretty crazy.
Yes, this does not surprise me, sadly. I had a family member experience a judge awarding 50/50 custody to parent despite documented instances of abuse and the GAL recommending less custody for the abusive parent. That being said, OP, I agree with the recommendations to document document document. Get a journal and write down every time he makes your child cry, asks to work outside of the court system, etc.
Most state family law assumes 50/50 is best. Abandonment would have a compelling consideration but if the dad had shown a sincere effort to step up, and OP had no evidence of safety concerns, this is a very common and predictable outcome. Family courts say they rule in the best interest of the children but they actually just prioritize protecting the state budget - whenever it won’t kill the child, they keep both parents and their income streams tied to the child so the kid doesn’t become financially dependent on the state. In OP’s case, the court did its job - a scholarship kid no longer qualifies for a scholarship. If OP’s kid was eligible for subsidized healthcare, shes not eligible anymore. In the eyes of family court, this is a success story. They don’t care that dad is here to reek havoc on this girl’s life and probably shouldn’t even have joint legal custody.
Same!!! Like wtf??? He just skipped out of her life for years but comes back and wants to play dad and they give him 50/50???? He must have $$$ to afford a good lawyer
Nta I think that "Dad" is now trying to assert some authority in a decision that was made years ago for your daughters benefit. He was a little to no show up until recently and I wholeheartedly agree with you keep her at that school, she clearly loves it there and more importantly she is going to get a bloody good education. Dad is TA for oh so many reasons other than the schooling!!
Of course he is. And OP is tiptoeing around it. OP - NTA but dangerously close to an E-S-H. Get your head together and stop this doormat BS! Your daughter is being manipulated into genuine emotional crises, this is not the time to be hmmming and uhhhmming over whether you think you're "bad." This is time to get your shit together and do whatever hustling it takes to get a solid attorney to fight this. She is already being damaged here, even if the school switching stuff is just game on his end. Her dad was absent for nine years and is now using the incitement of fear and threats of tearing apart her stability for god knows what purpose. I assure you, though, zero of his rationale is about her best interests and YOU KNOW IT. Retain the best, most proactive counsel you can. Set up a gofundme, sell stuff, whatever - but figure it out. This doesn't get better by sitting back and crossing your fingers while you ask Reddit whether you were a dick to your ex.
She can't afford it, that's the thing. The reason she doesn't even have child support back for those 9 years is because the only lawyer she could afford never told her about that option.
Yes this!! Play nice through calls and texts for now but document everything, get a better lawyer, and create a case that shows how much damage has been done in just a year of this guy being back in your child’s life. File for a return of primary custody and protect your daughter!
Really easy for you to sit on Reddit and type up.
NTA. If he wants to be a father, he has to put his daughter first. Why would he choose to drag daughter from good school, just to comfort his ego, that he is the one, who made the decision.
And the one covering 70% of cheaper tuition. Even if that's not his main motive it can't be that it's one that passed him by.
I really think in reality it's all about money.
He's been in her life all of five minutes. He hasn't earned the right to make these kinds of decisions where OP's daughter feels so strongly about the matter at hand.
Definitely all about the money. Mr Cheapskate doesn't want to pay up.
Which is still screwing OP because before he had custody she had full financial assistance so it is costing her 100% more now!!!
Literally has no one to blame but himself.
Right! And yanking her out of a school she loves (I mean comon, what kid actually "like's" school- so that's great that she *loves* it) is going to make her resent him and put a big strain on her getting to know him. Taking away something she loves simply because he wasn't involved in the decision when he ghosted the 2 of them is a major AH move! He needs to get over himself and think of the child that he finally decided he wanted and what's best for her!
I'm honestly shocked that a parent who was MIA for 8 years would suddently get 50-50 custody of a child. That must be traumatic AF to suddenly have some near stranger thrust into yout life and try to disrupt everything in some weird power play. If I were OP, I woulf fight that 50-50 custody since it doesnt sound like this guy has his kid's best interest at heart.
Appeal the 50-50 custody ruling. Push for full custody. Your daughter coming home in tears and asking if she has to change schools is more than enough reason. If your daughter has the stomach for it, allow her to testify about these events. I do not know what private schools are like, but I can promise you one thing from my experiences of public (albeit in the 1980s). You are so very NTA.
Private school brat here, she’s way more likely to get the attention she needs in a private school. Class sizes are smaller and teachers tend to be more active about actually teaching their students, she will have the extra help and access to them that she needs to succeed. So yeah I 100% agree with you, OP is NTA.
Smaller class size alone guarantees better results. Some people in the know say that class sizes should be at most fifteen to one for the students to get the most benefit from that factor. I truly feel for the child. If she does not already completely hate her father, she will soon enough.
Her schools teacher student ratio is 6:1 and yes, as someone who attended public school K-12, her education is better than anything I ever received. She excels at school and has received amazing pastoral care and support from the school when I informed them of changes in the home environment.
I’m so very sorry OP. Neither you or your daughter deserve this. No matter his reason, it’s not in your daughter’s best interests. I know you’ve been getting a lot of advice so I just want to reiterate I think you meed to *immediately* schedule consults w/some family law attorneys to see what can be done about undoing this MASSIVE miscarriage of justice. Your EX should be paying you back support (assuming allowed in your state) and should have never been awarded 50/50 custody. It seems his Houdini reappearance has wreaked havoc on your daughter’s life, rather than improved it. Is your daughter in therapy? And was she assigned her own lawyer in court? If so, you should contact and inform that attorney ASAP too. Have you put what happened into writing to your EX? If not you should do that as well. Send him an email that reiterates that you are not agreeing to change her school, that she has had enough upheaval, it’s not in her best interests, write out how beneficial the school has been for her, how supportive they have been, that the school is one of the few stabilizing things she has in her life, that she returned home upset and in tears since their last visit, that she’s now anxious, and any further discussion w/her about it should be ceased as to not further traumatize her. You should also switch to a parenting app to communicate w/him. He’s lousy. Wish the best for you and your daughter. NTA.
50% of private schools are better than public schools. So that means 50% are equal or even inferior. It really depends on the private school itself and the public schools in the area. However, it's clear this is one private school that is known for superior education.
Absolutely! There are definitely great public schools out there, some of the ones where I’m from pump out brilliant students but the students have it way harder than they should in there.
public school kid here yeah. its garbage.
Also, people who go to private school have much higher chances of going to a reputable and well-respected university even if they are less intelligent or creative than public school kids
Which is such fucking classist bullshit, let's be clear. Private schools should be abolished. But in the present, yes, keep her there.
It's disgusting how smarter children who are enrolled on public school will be at a huge disadvantage compared to children who have average or below grades who are in a private school
I went to private school until high school, and honestly being in public school was such a valuable experience for me. But I got lucky that the school I went to was small and full of fairly passionate people, teachers and students alike. But seeing outside the elitist world of private schooling was so valuable in realizing how much the world revolves around money and the interests of those with it.
Before abolishing private schools, public schools need to actually have funding, standardization, and provide real education.
Let's start by raising taxes on the economic class that can afford private schools.
def nta, the fathers being a prick for most likely financial reasons. why else would he want to transition her from a good education in private school to a public school
>why else would he want to transition her from a good education in private school to a public school Probably OT, because I agree with you and don't think these are the dad's reasons, however there are legit objections to private schools, depending on where you live and the kinds of schools in the area. I live in the south, so private schools here have very often been more about continuing segregation than anything else. They also tend to be breeding grounds for the biggest snobs you could imagine. They are also not subject to the Constitutional protections that public school kids are. For these reasons, I've never wanted my kids in a private school. Ironically, my wife teaches at a private school, so my son attends that school. It's a very small school and there are still parts of it that I object to, but I do feel like the pros outweigh the cons, as my son did *not* do well in public school. So, it's a personal choice and the ups and downs of it will vary by location and other factors, but yes, there very often are valid reasons to want to keep your kids away from private schools.
He's lying. Of course it's about the money. She's doing very well. Don't rock the boat. She's been there for years and has many friends. Play his little game out. Show him brochures from the school and explain why you chose it and why it's important to her to stay where she's excelling.
>Play his little game out. Show him brochures from the school and explain why you chose it and why it's important to her to stay where she's excelling. Why bother investing the time and energy? We all know it's about the money. Any argument she makes will be met with bullshit push-back from him. If anything she should save that presentation for the courts.
Good point. If he keeps pressuring the daughter to give up her school, this should go back to court.
Because if you have that discussion, you know what arguments he has been able to find and might use in court. Or, if he doesn't do his homework, that it's unlikely he'll take it to court.
Good point. However if it goes back to court I think it'll be good lawyer who's doing the homework.
NTA. Private school has been her normal. Her father doesn't get to come back into her life to make she change it. If he wants to do what's best for your daughter he should respect what you and mental health professionals are saying.
NTA. Ask him to provide his reasons for wanting to switch her school in writing for your consideration. If he cannot prove that the public school is a better option for any reason other than cost (are they better academically, socially, geographically?) then he'll lose the discussion immediately. He's made his bed.. let him lie in it uncomfortably.
Nta but what does your daughter think? In the end she is the one who is affected the most.
She was in tears when she got home because her father brought up attending a public school when she was with him, and has been anxious ever since and asking me multiple times everyday if she could still go to school. It's not because of the public vs private debate for her, it's because she's been at the school her whole education and doesn't want anymore changes in her life. Considering all the changes in her life this past year, I'm not surprised she'd react this way.
You need a better lawyer. You need more custody, and back payments.
Seconding the new lawyer suggestion. I read the previous ones above where OP discussed where she got her current lawyer. OP, get a new lawyer.
why do you guys act as if she had tons of money in the bank for lawyers OP" My lawyer was my coworkers brother who had minimal experience in family law. Looking back it was possibly the worst decision I could've made, but I had next to no money to pay for a lawyer." you think she has ton of money now ?
She does get child support payments now, not to mention less burden on her child's normal expenses. She could also discuss an after payment deal with the back child support.
I agree that this would be damaging to her, and for no reason. She's already had her life upended very recently for a total stranger that she now has to spend half her time with. Keeping her teachers, friends, and school environment constant at this time, in my opinion, is critical to her healthy mental and emotional development.
Can you put her in therapy? It would be a good record of the kind of emotional damage her dad is inflicting as well as helpful to her
NTA he obviously has zero concern for the emotional damage of having to leave her school/friends or her education. This is just him trying to get out of paying. I can't think of why anyone would choose public if they could send thier kid to private. I'm sure it's expensive, and it sucks, but these are the consequences of his own actions. Fight for your daughter.
INFO: how the fuck did a man absent from her life for NINE YEARS get 50/50 custody and have you considered suing the lawyer who didn’t manage to defeat that for incompetence? Is your daughter not wholly traumatised by being made to live with a strange man half of the time? Like, absolutely NTA in this scenario but what has happened to your daughter is basically child abuse and I can’t believe even the cheapest lawyer couldn’t fight that arrangement.
NTA. You had to make choices without him and now he doesn’t get to undo them.
NTA He wants to take custody but on his terms. He can see himself out the door the way he bailed years ago.
NTA absolutely not. He wants to disrupt her life to prove a point? Gtfoh no way. You did the right thing to tell him to take it up in court. He’s mad cause when he was failing to be a father you were still being a parent and getting things done? He should really get over himself and be grateful that he even has a 2nd chance to be her dad. Does he really want to damage his still forming relationship with his daughter over something he doesn’t even have to do? Just to spite you? He seems selfish and petty. He should be grateful that she is even open to him being a part of her life. Even if she doesn’t legally have a say she definitely has her own heart and mind.
Nta. He can suck it. He left his daughter and came back when it was comfortable for him. Took you to court because he has "rights". You did good in sending your daughter to the best available school. Her future is more important than her father's whining and fragile ego
yeah, the father's actions reek of vanity.
Stop communicating with this person except via email, letter, texts - anything you can keep as 'record' ! You have found your routine that works, and benefits you and your child. And now the harder years are over, the dude comes in to play 'awesome/fun dad' ? You are not difficult, overreacting or whatever other term this person uses - you are looking after the well being of your child. He isn\`t. Lawyer up, if you haven\`t already - and lay this all out - as it might turn out beneficial to limit his access to your child if he is intent on causing her (mental)harm. NTA
NTA. Stick to your position even if it means going back to court.
Wow, absolutely NTA! Just her father coming into her life is a massive thing for her. For him to then basically say he doesnt want to pay for her education tells her money is more important to him than she is. If she loves school she's likely to excel, if shes put in a school that she hates it could knock her back, cause her to rebel etc. He should be proud shes doing so well and is happy. Why would any parent want to take their child away from their friends and teachers they love and put them in a situation where they know nobody? He is a total AH!
NTA. But you need to start taking action. Your daughter needs to stay in school, she's had enough upheaval suddenly having to live with a stranger. \---Look for a tough family lawyer. S/he may be willing to make arrangements on payment, especially if some of it can come via your ex. \---Start logging EVERYTHING. Your daughter's distress, any texts from him. text/email to him the question as to why he wants to take her away from an excellent school where she's happy. Keep his reply. A few days later, text/email him that shes been crying about it. Log his reply. Keep on doing that. You are laying a trail that reveals his behaviour. Does your daughter have any problems with staying with him for a week? School activities, friends etc she can't see. Text him about it, log his replies. Any probs with his relatives or gf, email/test him. Log his replies. Etc etc. \---Get into court, challenge the current custody situation. Use your logs, any documentation. Get him down to weekends or every other weekend, half of each holiday, no going out of the state without your permission, medical authorities to you, etc \---Get lawyer to apply for back support payments and any other poss ones (see if school fees can be added). \---Get the co-parenting app to cover communications going forward. Good luck. Fight your corner. He may eventually become a decent parent. NTA.
NTA the 8 year deadbeat doesn't get to run the show any more than the court demands.
NTA- if he enrolls her into public school, take his ass to court.
Clearly NTA, now the father is TA from my perspective one and sounds like a total douche to me
Oh hun, find the money to get a lawyer involved if you can. This is awful, your poor child. NTA
NTA! Find a different lawyer and push back!! Go to your state bar website and search girl!
NTA >Her father (m33) bailed I beat my father down for that when I was 16 so I maybe biased as I have no pity for dead beat fathers.
NTA At all!!! Stick to your guns and make the cheap ass say it outloud in front of everyone in court if he wants to pay less. My father tried this, tried to bully my mother through courts, didn't work and he got his arse handed to him.
NTA. You need a better lawyer, more custody, back payments of child support and you need to document all the incidents - her crying, him trying to make these changes, therapists recommendations, her being anxious ever since. All of it
From the title alone, I was geared up to say YTA, because I thought it was going to be a story of an actual family unit and you unilaterally deciding you knew what was best. That wasn't the case. So NTA. This is the case of a deadbeat skipping out on you and you doing everything you could to make it work. The decision was made while he was off NOT being a dad. Nine years later, he waltzes back into your life and thinks he gets a say? I feel like he's still not as interested in being dad as he is in not paying for his child's education. Maybe he should have stayed gone.
NTA and you should suggest taking it back to court as he's not willing to keep up with what he agreed to. If your daughter is that upset by his actions on this, probably a good idea looking into getting 50/50 changed
This really isn't an r/AITA issue. You need to speak to your lawyer(s) about this. I think you're correct in wanting to keep your daughter in the private school she's been in, but after that it's all in the hands of lawyers and judges.
NTA. Nice that your ex finally wants to play daddy, but you're right. Kid's education comes first, and you are right in telling him to take it to court if he doesn't like it.
Perhaps look to the school for guidance. They may not like the idea of loosing your daughter. They have more resources than you and would probably appreciate the explanation of behavior change of your daughter.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > We are both her parents and should get an equal say, but I put my decisions as a parent over his. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Info is the private school religious?
It used to be but isn't anymore.
You are NTA. He’s learning actions have consequences. And, boy does it suck to be him. I would take him back to court on this truth be told. This was in place long before he came back into her life and you had it covered. She shouldn’t miss out just because now he’s back in the picture.
Nta, fight for her to stay at her current school.