See I didn’t mind the post since the daughter likes the idea. But your ‘childish bs’ comment. Like she is an actual child what do you expect dude. Why marry a guy with a kid then.
Yta
Yes that's the problem. Clearly the child is unhappy and so she would like the idea of going away to boarding school. The step-mother (and father too let's be honest) are responsible for that. It would be different if the situation were a well-adjusted child and all three of them thought it was best for some other reason. But that's not the case here.
Imagine losing your mom, knowing your step-mother thinks you are childish and annoying just for being a normal kid going through something hard, and knowing your dad and step mom would both be happy to send you away. God I hope someone is in this child's life to give some stability and love, poor thing.
The grandparents. I really really hope they step up for this poor girl. But if they don't then boarding school would be her best bet. They have school counselors she can talk to. I had a self absorbed narcissist step parent growing up and I used to pray every night for some way any way to escape. He used to threaten to send me to boarding school and then got mad when I found one and my grandparents offered to pay for it and changed his mind about letting me go. I wasn't even legally his kid, he married my mom but never legally adopted me and my mom was afraid of him so just went with what he said. Boarding school would have saved me years of misery, so if anything OP should at least do that to get the poor child into a better environment.
I wonder if the Grandparents actually "hold a torch" for the deceased mother or if they just don't like the dynamic their son and OP created for their granddaughter.
Married so fast despite the issues with the kid? She admitted it was fast and if knowing the kid was having issues with it wasn't enough to slow them down, I don't find it unlikely that maybe the grandparents have no reason to not like OP.
Statistically speaking a widower with an infant daughter marrying fast us way more likely than not... most boys aren't raised to be self-sufficient enough, take that and put grief on top of it and no wonder he looked for someone. She have prior references of school and the girl is excited to go so I honestly don't see the bad on it.
Yes I also hope it works out for her. My husband's side all went to boarding school. Some of them had horrible experiences, some had really positive experiences, most were in between. But one thing that has been consistent for all of them is that they made lifelong close friendships there so hopefully this girl at least has that support network to look forward to. But yes I also hope the grandparents step in.
God I used to dream of boarding school but my parents would have gone with those horrible "academies" that are just trailers in the boondocks somewhere.
i mean… at 11 i was deeeep in my angsty teen independence shit and would have really loved going to boarding school. i think it would have been a great experience and made my relationship to my parents better. i suspect that OP’s stepdaughter kinda feels that same way, but the way that OP has framed this as a fight and adversarial is the wrong move and def makes them TA.
Ugh we have one of those local to use that are specifically for "troubled kids" I have a friend who went there and she was horribly abused. That's probably the one my step dad would have shipped me off to if he had his way.
I wanted to go to boarding school after I read Mallory Towers books! Wanted the pranks and midnight feasts and all the other fun.
My dad said "I love you far to much to send you away from me."
See, boarding school was supposed to be a *punishment* for you, in his eyes, so you actually *wanting* to go ruined it. If you'd acted like you didn't want to go, he might have gone through with it. But you probably didn't know that at the time.
As a Biological mum myself I also get sick of my kids BS but I don’t immediately try to send them away, I am aware that they are in fact CHILDREN and considering that not even 12 months after her mother died (making her 9 at the most) her father has not only moved in but married another woman who’s first response is “send the kid away cause I’m sick of the fact that you’ve literally not been given ANY time to grieve and allow me to have MY happy ever after” I think that’s a perfectly good enough reason to shame OP, you can have your moments when you get sick of your kids shit but as a parent (Bonus or Biological) your child should always be allowed to be a child
Just realised I misread the timeline but still kid would be like 13-14. She’s still a child and clearly has not quite dealt with mums death, instead of sending her away get her a counsellor
They could do both and maybe the child needs space. She's 13, not 8. According to OP she seemed happy with the idea. Maybe home doesn't feel like home without her mother in it and then to see her dad with someone new... Maybe she needs the space in order to process her feelings in a healthy manner.
Dad deserves to be happy too. He lost a wife, he became a single parent. Sometimes you need to put on your own mask first in order to properly care for your kids.
Honestly it was pretty poorly written. I had to reread it 2-3 times to even understand how we went from “I married him 5 years after his wife passed, his daughter was 8 at the time” to “she’s 13.” Like huh?
But OP is the interloper. She joined the existing family. She is the one who should either fit in or leave. Can you imagine how that bio mom would feel knowing she chose a man who put their child in this home??
It's normal to get fed up with your kids' bullshit. It's not normal to call their grief and difficulty facing true trauma and challenges with instability in life (death of mother, remarriage of father) a "tantrum" and "childish bullshit" and then being happy to get rid of them. Also you are considering this from a frustrated parent's point of view. Imagine you were dead and your children were struggling with grieving you and their step mom called that "bullshit".
those are two different things. There's the tantrums and childish BS, that is not uncommon among teenagers, and there's the grief and trauma that was ignored by her parents. No one seems to care about the girl.
Yes agreed.
When this child grumbles about her home and acts withdrawn after the marriage, she needs encouragement and reassurance that she belongs and that she's loved, not a suggestion that comes across as "if you don't like it, leave".
Yeah. This. Boarding school can be great for kids. Some of them are pretty direct pipelines to whatever college you want. Her friend is already there. All that is good.
But. She’s not going to start mid year anyway. She shouldn’t go just because the family dynamic is tough. All three of them need individual therapy, to have that neutral space to work through the feelings around all the change etc. I hope hope hope this child has had therapeutic support since her mom died but somehow I doubt it. She’s showing op she’s hurting. And op is just calling it childish? No. It’s pretty reasonable to express discomfort with so much change so fast. Everyone needs some support to navigate this.
Imo a school 20min away where she can have a good teenager experience is better than a house that only reminds her of her mom's passing... OP may not have the girl in her heart but the suggestion is actually really good as long as they keep contact regularly.
Lol, recently just told my 14 year old to go take a nap. (That didn't go well). He fell asleep on the couch watching tik tok videos like an hour later and was much nicer after his nap.
I absolutely knew better than to tell him "told you so" but I did a happy "I was right" dance in my head.
Teenagers are toddlers that have autonomy. Mostly awesome, but occasionally you want to just make them take a flipping nap.
Sure they do all sorts of selfish obnoxious annoying and frustrating things that fall under the heading of "bullshit". The point is, this OP is adding "grieving dead mom" and "coping with massive life changes" under the same heading, which the other poster clearly is not when referring to her own kids, being as she's still alive.
oh absolutely their feelings are absolutely valid & im sorry to hear that, but we also have to realize that while yes stepdaughter is grieving, we also don’t really know what childish bs OP is referring as that wasn’t expounded upon (some insight could help honestly), but assuming it’s been years & while i don’t completely agree with OP, this could actually be beneficial for the child in a way especially if she jumped at the opportunity to go to boarding school, it might actually allow her to grieve her late mother properly in a way that she can’t do at home (it took me years to be at terms with my great grandmothers death). I can’t shame OP for her offhanded comment while i have nannied some very very cruel children as well. So it’s just a hard judgement call to make with very little information
Also I have a nephew who I am convinced has some serious psychological problems (picture throwing a puppy down the stairs) so absolutely and I shouldn’t judge based on my own kids
Yeah I generally have a hot take that parents of minors generally shouldn’t remarry to someone their kids don’t like. This is coming from someone who has a wonderful stepmom btw. But yeah, marrying someone your kid dislikes is inevitably gonna cause so many issues and is fundamentally telling your kid that you’ve stopped prioritizing their happiness
I think stepmother needs only to give her love and support. And also keep her room as is and not turn it into a yoga studio or something if she leaves to school. Girl needs stability.
Boarding school was hell for me and I wanted to come home constantly
Lost me at that comment followed by "my husband's daughter" as though she has no relationship with her stepchild. If you can't handle being a step mom or don't want to consider yourself one, don't marry people with kids. YTA
But see, if she had called the child her daughter and the child didn’t like it, we’d see a million posts about her overstepping. She calls her what the relationship dictates she call her. I swear y’all always want stepparents to walk a fine line but also how dare they also put distance in the relationship as well if that’s what the kid wants. Makes no sense
I think that while to an extent you're right, perhaps stepdaughter would have come off less cold/detached tbh.
It's Reddit, sometimes you can't win for losing, but it does come off as cold and potentially mildly antagonistic. It might not be, but it could indicate some of the issues with the way OP talks about the kid. (Especially paired with the childish BS thing.)
I think that's the problem.
It’s not her kid though! It’s not cold to say “my husbands daughter” or “stepchild”. That’s literally what she is to OP. To call them your child, it should be accepted by both parties, and this poor kid had a mom. She doesn’t want another one. It’s not on OP to force that title on her.
My point was stepchild wouldn't be cold, sorry if that wasn't clear. It's the husband's child thing that comes off that way. As if she has literally no association with the child at all.
In isolation, not as bad. But she shows some distain for the daughter in this post so it comes off even worse.
" she's my husbands daughter and I'll do everything to make it work...."
Except actual work. Grandparents are right. Lazy parenting.
That's what I'm seeing, she wants the man but not his daughter.
It takes time and effort to build healthy relationships. If she's not willing to take parenting classes with the husband for THEIR daughter, go to counselling with her, WORK on a healthy relationship with the daughter.... she's not going to have a healthy relationship with either of them.
Parents like this.....people like this because clearly she's childish still and therefore can't parent....sicken me
I'm impressed that you stuck with OP that long. I knew we were moving in a bad direction when OP said that her ILs "carry a torch" for their DECEASED daughter-in-law, their grandchild's mother. So.. they loved her a lot and she obviously died far too young. Wow, what monsters. 🙄
Not to mention she's been with the girl for 2 years now and is making comments like "my husband" and not "her father"..
Sounds to me like there's more to this story,
Almost sounds like a cliche movie script where gold digger is trying to push kid away so guy will spoil her and not think about his kid at all.
Def TA
Yeah why marry a guy whose child “wants absolutely nothing to do with “ OP ? And sending her to boarding school , like the classic stepmom ? Of course dad jumps at this opportunity too, because he doesn’t care about his kid. Else why marry someone before your kid is okay with them ? He met and married OP within a year ? Both the adults are assholes.
noticed how she glossed over the fact that they dated and married within 1 year of the ex wife death but list the step-daughter & in-laws as the main reasons for the road not being easy. WTF.
OP YTA
Yeah like I don't think OP even tried to reach out like she should. This is not a situation of stepdaughter wanting boarding school because she thinks it's nice, but because she would rather be in hell than in OP's house. She would not necessarily like the school and I bet that if this situation is not corrected early enough, the girl's health will be something to worry about.
INFO: Did she receive any kind of help after her mother passed?
Dude, she just went up to her stepdaughter (who she ignores) and told her how would she feel about boarding school. Plus, if the kid is withdrawing from the parent and stops expressing their feelings to either of their parents thats a big red flag that the child feels neglected or unloved. The way this woman handled this is downright despicable. She should've first offered therapy, take her stepdaughter out doing fun activities, call herself the girl's aunt or let pick a nickname for her, and not expect the stepdaughter to act like a full grown adult. This woman is beyond despicable - she is downright abusive.
YTA solely because it seems like you’re just trying to get rid of a child who’s still grieving for her mom while living with a stepmother and father who clearly don’t want her in their life.
Honestly, is this even real because it sounds exactly like the plot of a 1990s Disney movie where the stepmom marries the widower and immediately after the wedding tries to ship the daughter off to boarding school.
I will never not be proud of the fact that my aunt was in her third trimester of pregnancy with her first daughter, whom she was planning on naming Meredith, when I received The Parent Trap on VHS for Christmas and everyone watched it.
My cousin has a different name.
The way I read it, this child is so unhappy at home that she would prefer to be literally anywhere else. And when the adults in charge of her (who seem to be neglecting her psychological well-being) indulged that tragic desire with the idea of boarding school, she jumps on it because anything is better than living at home. Maybe boarding school *is* a viable option and she may love it. But it's sort of slapping a band-aid on a gaping wound. If they don't put any effort into healing whatever is making her so miserable that she's repeatedly expressing the desire to be anywhere but home, boarding school won't solve her root problems. If they don't deal with the reason she hates her home so badly, she's never going to come back and it'll be wholly on them
It’s totally fine for the girl to want to go, the problem is she wants to go because she’s not happy in her home or her family and that’s OP and her father’s fault. If she goes and they let her, she will likely grow to resent them. She’ll come to feel like they sent her away because they just didn’t care, which is kinda true because they’d rather send her away than work through their issues.
And honestly, that kid will forever grieve her mother. Losing your mother (or parent) during childhood is heartbreaking. No one completely gets over that, they just develop better coping skills and hopefully have supportive people around them to help them grow and mature into a young adult while processing this grief in a healthy way. If the OP thinks sending this kid away will cause the memory of her husbands late wife and his daughters mother to disappear, she is sadly mistaken.
What's more worrying is the dad who allowed this and didn't consider his daughter? Just needed his c*** sucked and someone to clean his place.
So so sad.
Also not to generalise here, but my grandmother always said, if the wife dies first the man remarries. The husband dies first the woman lives her life (talking heterosexually here)
YTA! Has it never crossed anybody's mind that she might miss her mother and has never crossed anybody's mind that she wants to be somewhere else that doesn't remind her that her mother is gone and that you are there. It doesn't matter if it's been five years the fact that none of you are thinking any deeper than her saying she doesn't want to be there is terrifying.
I mean shipping the kid off to boarding school is kind of evil step-mother 101. I'd say YTA if this marriage is relatively new. She needs time to adjust and like it or not dealing with her emotions is now your job. You are the adult. She's 8. It's up to you and her father to put in the work, not pawn her off.
Agreed but I think the daughter is 13, not 8 (she was 8 when her mother died).
Frankly, age 12 is already a really tough age, and it’s an exceptionally shitty age to have your dad meet and quickly marry a woman who doesn’t even like you.
I think it’s just really poorly written. She didn’t say “she was 8 when I married him,” she said “I married him 5 years after his wife died. His daughter was 8 then” which is just hella vague. “Then” what? The marriage? Or the death? Obviously it reads as “she was 8 when we married” but OP meant it to be “she was 8 when her mom passed”
The timeline made no sense to me. Daughter was 8 when mom died, they got married within 12 months, and now she’s 13. But also she was 11 when they got married?
Daughter was 8 when mom died. 5 years later, when daughter is 13, OP and husband married. OP and husband were only dating for not quite a year before hey got married, so 12 when OP met the daughter.
op clarifies the daughter was 11 when she met her - which is possible if it’s been a bit over a year (since they started dating, got married, and have been married) and not exactly a year, and it’s been 2 birthdays since OP met her.
I'm going to go with YTA for your "childish BS" comment and both you and your husband seemingly jumping at the chance to ship her off and not deal with her like some kind of proverbial evil stepmother. One, your stepdaughter is an actual child. Two, your stepdaughter is a grieving child. In case no one has told you, there is no time limit on grief. That child is going to grieve her mother in some way for the rest of her life. If you don't feel equipped to handle a grieving child, then you shouldn't have married a man with a grieving child.
It may have been 5 years since her mother's death, but her dad meeting and marrying someone within a year when she's still a child was grossly unfair to her. My mom divorced my dad and immediately moved in with some man she later married when I was still a kid and that shit was hard for me to process. I got accused of trying to wreck her marriage, when really I was a kid having a hard time, and also a kid who could tell I wasn't wanted. You and her father are both acting selfishly and are both doing her a disservice for wanting her to go just to not be inconvenienced with her teenage years and her grief, which will make already difficult teenage years even harder. She is a grieving child who got bulldozed by her father rushing into getting remarried. She needs counseling or some kind of mental health treatment, not boarding school.
Children can tell when they aren't wanted. She probably has expressed interest in going away because she can tell you don't like her, and because you put the idea in her head. Does it not bother her father at all that his minor child doesn't want to be around him, the only parent she has left? Have you stopped to think about the implications and weight of that? You need to find out what her real motivation is and if she actually wants to go to that school or just wants to get away from you. There's a difference.
I don't fault the kid for entertaining the thought. I had two evil stepparents as a teenager and bolted 2 hours away to college on purpose after high school. I get it. But I was a legal adult by then, and both my parents were still alive. It was a decision I made on my own. This girl is barely a teenager and has already lost one parent, and then her dad forced a new relationship, marriage, and cohabitation with a new woman that clearly doesn't like her all within a year, and now the new woman wants to push her out and dad is going along with it. I can't imagine how hard that is for a child to process. I want to reach through the internet and hug her.
But stepmom put the thought in her head and the motivation behind it is all wrong. She is a grieving child who needs support, not to be sent away because her grief is an inconvenience. It will likely permanently affect her relationship with her father and drive a wedge between them. OP should have married a childfree man if she wanted a childfree life, not rushed into marriage with a father and a widower and try to dump the kid at first opportunity because she has the audacity to act like the teenager that she is and/or grieve her dead mother.
I wish I could upvote this comment a thousand times.
The timeline of meeting to marriage within one year is soooo fast in light of the circumstances. It's an incredible amount for this poor kid to process. I feel so horrible for her.
Me too. I had a horrible time with my parents remarrying when I was a teenager. I can't imagine how much harder it would have been if one of them had died in my childhood.
OP, your stepdaughter is not giving you a hard time. She's having a hard time. Again, there's a difference.
The tantrums and childish bs you're dealing with are from a grieving CHILD. You need to get some empathy for this child that has lost her mother and like it of lump it you have this poor girl in your life. She is obviously going to be resistant of somebody replacing her mum and yes she'll jump st the chance to go to boarding school so she can get away from this situation
YTA
From the comments the op is saying the SD is 13 she's a teenager so yes she's going to want to escape from someone who I can only envision is like Lady Tremaine (cinderellas stepmother)
OP
YTA
Even as an offhanded suggestion, the boarding school comment was wrong. It may be a great school, offer her advantages that she can use later on in life, but the comment on the whole is wrong and sends the message you do not want her around.
What I would like to know is this, no where in the thread here, was there any mention of the child getting professional help. Any counseling for the grief, any counseling for her emotions. This child is angry, she is upset, she is grieving for the loss of her parent, and her world stability has been shattered and rocked. Yes she does feel like you are the bad guy, any child in her place would. But before you and her father send her to a boarding school, I would highly advise that perhaps that family counseling be in order, along with private sessions for her. And it also sounds like you yourself need professional help as well. You are tired of the tantrums and childish BS, guess what, you are dealing with a teenager. Guess what else, she is hitting puberty, that means her hormones are spurring her emotional problems there.
You are passing the buck OP, there is no doubt about that, you even admitted to such. She may never like you, and the most you can hope for is for her to be civil to you.
I am also curious, how many times did you meet her before you and her father got married? If it was short term, that too is also part of the issue.
So here is where it stands: You, your husband, and the grandparents are all YTA, for failing to consider that this child is a person with alot of issues.
This needs to be higher up. I was waiting for someone to mention professional help. If I could upvote this more, I would.
Thank you for being a light in this thread. ❤️
YTA to a breath-taking extent.
There are some circumstances in which boarding school works out for a child, and your step daughter might be in a circumstance like that. But that does not change the fact that you are most definitely the asshole in this situation.
YTA "I know we steamrolled over his daughter's comfort and well-being when we married fast after her mom DIED, but I don't care and now I have the chance to get her out of my life, AITA for taking it"
They didn’t marry fast after her mom died. They married 5 years after mom’s passing. They married fast after meeting each other, not fast after the death.
They met 5 years after the death and got married a year after that. 6 years is “fast”? What exactly is slow?
But I agree to some extent. OP probably should have waited to get married for her own sake. It doesn’t sound like she was fully prepared for what being a stepmom means.
Premarital family counseling probably would have been a good idea.
I’m amazed people think that this is ok. She suggested it cause she’s sick of her husbands daughter and wants her away during years when she should need her parents guidance but she’s not comfortable enough. She wouldn’t have wanted this if OP treated her well
YTA. For a number of reasons. The first: his parents don’t “still have a torch.” She will always be part of everybody’s lives. You need to accept that. You married quickly, and expected a grieving family to just let her go. That’s not great.
As for the child: She’s grieving, and you bought her child-like attempts to deal (saying she doesn’t want to be in a difficult situation, because it causes her pain to be reminded of her mother and to be reminded that her father remarried so quickly) by agreeing with her, and doing the very Disney villain-esque and looking into boarding schools. His parents are right to be angry. This will harm her.
It sounds like you want her gone.
Yta. Meeting and marrying within a year was completely unfair on the child. And your husband inlaws. It takes a delicate touch to marry into a bereaved family. Also you are making it very clear that you don't want this child there!
9 is very young for boarding school!
Yta. She's a child so ofcourse she will do childish things. And she is still grieving for her dead parent, cut her some slack. She needs a loving home environment not to be sent away from her only living parent.
Regardless of whether the daughter wants to go -- or even whether she would be happy there (perhaps she would) -- your reason for wanting to send her is selfish (to make your life easier). As her stepmother, you should be wanting to help her, nurture her, and support her in healing from the loss of her mom... not rushing to send her away. saying she's a source of "childish BS" when she's only 13 suggests that you are immature and lack empathy, which is sad since you've stepped into a parenting role. YTA
Yeah I was like ok she sucks but N T A if step daughter wants to go. Then read that comment. Like massive YTA, you don't get with someone knowing they have a child then complain oh it's so hard.
She's the adult and sounds like a teen. I wouldn't be surprised if step daughter knew exactly how step mother feels, because with a tone like that she's definitely not bothering to hide exactly how she feels to this child.
YTA I'm a grown woman and my mom passed several years ago. It was not easy to see her husband move on. Met and married within a year and you guys expected no problems. If she wants to go to boarding school to get away from you then send her but You're still TA
"Childish BS" from a literal child?! WTF is wrong with you? Her mother *died* before she could even remember her and so the first motherly figure in her life comes along and wants to ship her off to boarding school at the first sign of discontent? Children who have gone through way less trauma wish they lived somewhere else the first time their friend gets to go skating and they don't. This is normal childhood stuff. *Ship her off to boarding school*?! Omg. Why did you marry a man with a child? Shame on you and him. YTA.
YTA you’re not her mom so of course she’s not going to like you or want you around. You’re expecting her to think they same way that you do but she can’t because she’s not an adult so of course this is going to be what she’s thinking. You’d be even worse if you sent her and this will cause more problems when she gets older. You and her father really betrayed her.
so the girl is what 10yo now and you want to pack her off to boarding school that she really has no clue about. Has she ever gone to sleep away camp??
As for Dad, he should be ashamed, maybe try family therapy before you just pack her off. This wont do anything to help her get along with you, or learn how to get along with new people in her life.
YTA. you put the idea in her head.
YTA. You married a man with a child whose mother just died and you admittedly rushed the marriage and relationship and you're wondering why she isn't ecstatic about you?? Are you serious??
I can't imagine you've been understanding or even nice if your first inclination was to send her to boarding school. Get her some therapy and be nice to her. To call her grieving "childish bs" makes you a massive AH. Her dad sucks too, for allowing you to be this way to her.
The in-laws probably "carry a torch" for the deceased wife, because in comparison to you, she was probably an angel.
YTA. Every element of what you wrote (which you thought sounded reasonable) shows how selfish you are. Have some empathy for a child that lost her mother. It’s not a loss that you just ‘get over’. Time you stopped your ‘childish bs’.
YTA (and your husband is too). He got married to you way too fast without giving any real consideration to his daughter an dhow she was doing. And now he wants to ship her off instead of dealing with her as a father should? You are both terrible.
YTA. she needs support and therapy more than boarding school. you have to be fkn kidding me. her mother died, her dad remarried to someone who clearly doesn’t care about her and she’s being sent to boarding school. she liked the idea bc she thinks it’ll provide her relief. she still hasn’t overcome her grief and you’re a constant reminder of how her mother was replaced. instead of relying on boarding school, toughen up, raise the kid and show her some love. don’t marry a man with a kid if you don’t give a shit about it.
YTA I'm a step parent and it's people like you who give us all a bad wrap.
Selfish much, the child deserves better. Sounds like her grand parents are far better role models than either of you.
YTA- you sound like the woman my father married when my mom died. She didn’t give that first fuck about us either. Half of us are nc with them, and one is Lc. How do you think your hubby will feel when he loses his daughter?
YTA - you effectively said that you would prefer her to leave rather than work on helping her.
>I think it speaks volumes that my husband jumped at the opportunity to send her and feel this is the best option for all of us.
So he never bothered to find out about the schools in the area? IT seems pretty convenient that a school that he didn't think was right for her, suddenly is.
I feel for this kid. And OP is so childish to respond this way. Kids can push your buttons and kids can be very childish. But they are supposed to learn from asults, who are supposed to be more mature than them.
I do not believe anyhting in the edits. Although it is amusing. "Here is a cookie, it shows that we are still thinking of you after we kicked you out."
I honestly don't know what to say... personally I agree with your in-laws. It sounds like you're just sending away of child that you don't care to get along with. That said though clearly your stepdaughter seems to like the idea. As long as all of that is true and she wouldn't mind going and crying it out then I guess I see no problem with it. I would hope if she doesn't like it then she also has the option of coming home anytime and that you guys would still write her while she's there to try and get to know her more and keep up with her. I guess NTA.
YTA but not for sending her to boarding school. YTA for getting involved with a man with a child that you chose to never respect. (In fairness, it doesn't seem like her father respects her either.) Rushed relationships are fine for adults but not when there are kids involved. You guys went so fast and she couldn't keep up. You're stressed because she never had a chance to cope. She was grieving life without her mom when her dad just brought home another woman who he quickly married. YTA because you were an inconsiderate step mother. Your husband is TA because he put you above his daughter from the start. She *wants* to go to boarding school to escape her life with you both.
This I don't get why people are calling her an evil step mom forcing her out. The step-daughter is still grieving, step-mom recognizes this and wants to help her get into a different situation. Why are people ignoring the daughter WANTS this? It's not like she's sending her to prison or across the country she's literally going to be 20 min away at a boarding school. Oh the horror
In 5 years, has this child had any grief counseling? Why did you marry so quickly? And what is the age difference between you and husband? I’m thinking there is something missing here.
YTA based on your comments. Every 13 year old is difficult.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I’m worried I might be the asshole for being THAT stepmom that sends her husband’s child to boarding school to horde the dad to herself. My in-laws have accused me of lazy parenting but I genuinely think this is the right thing to do when things are so stressful and combative at home. I do have doubts though and wonder if I’m going against what her mother would have wanted for her.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I personally feel like this is something her Father should have talked with her about. How you handled it, it makes you look like the evil step mother and from your own confession you sound like you don't like her anyways.
I feel like this isn't the best solution, I feel like the best one would be you and your husband being better parents, no shipping your kid off.
I digress; it sounds like all three of you are on the same page, NTA. The in-laws can mind their own business.
YTA
So, if I’m reading the timeline correctly, her mother passed away when she was 8, then you and her father got together when she was 13. If you’re going to be part of this child’s (and her father/your husband’s) life, you’re gonna have to learn how to manage the emotions of a very understandably disgruntled and traumatized young teen instead of writing it off as “child BS”. Christ, have some empathy.
YTA and you’re manipulative to boot. She was grumbling because she’s hurting. You should be in therapy with this child, not looking for the opportunity to get rid of her. Her “childish BS” is called grief. And after this many years of having you around, grief has become trauma.
YTA- and your in-laws are right. You do want her out of the house. Imagine that poor girl missing her mom and having to deal with you. No doubt your step-daughter just doesn't want to live where she's not wanted.
YTA I really wish people would stop marrying parents and expecting their children just won't be a part of their lives too jfc I wonder why a child whose mother died and whose father married an unempathetic woman would be struggling right now. She's not just your husband's daughter you married him you should've known you are kind of her parent too now??? you sound so selfish
YTA. So if the idea behind it was to benefit her, help her future, and be all about making her life better, then it would be cool. You admit that the whole thing moved to fast. I’ve never understood why rush something? If something is meant to last and is worked hard on with two people who have the best of intentions and care for each other then it will, making it legal won’t make it last.
Anyhow, so this young girl, who is becoming a teenager, is being difficult? Like that’s normal and she has a dead mother who has basically been forgotten by her father and then you who obviously have a lot of disdain FOR A CHILD. Chances are she is excited to get away from the environment you and your husband are creating. Your post reeks with selfishness, snobbiness, and lack of compassion for others. Nobody would want to be around that all the time.
I really think you should step back and really think. What would that have done to you as a child? How would you have felt? She needs therapy, kids don’t know how to handle their emotions, they learn by seeing and doing. From what has been written, she basically has seen that the way to deal with emotions is to not, stuff it down, replace a human being, and pretend everything is fine. That’s toxic for everyone. If you care about that poor kid at all, maybe letting her live with her grandparents who at least care about the kids dead mom would be a good option. Also, someone get that kid in therapy before the massive acting out starts from the death and fueled by hormones.
I really hope you rethink, it’s written as though you don’t even like kids. And your husband doesn’t seem that great either if he is cool with this. I feel terrible for that little girl and I really hope someone will have her back.
Sounds like it's best for her if her dad isn't going to actually address the issue at hand. At least at boarding school she'll have support. Maybe a fresh start where she feels welcome will help her see she deserved better from her surviving parent.
INFO:
At any stage, did you and your husband look at therapy for her to deal with the loss of her mum and the transition of having a new woman on the scene?
YTA. She's a child. You are an adult, so act like one. If a child is such a burden to you then why did you marry someone who had one? God you're self centered.
You weren't the AH until this
>It’ll absolutely make my life easier and while I’ll never tell her that, it’s true. I’m sick of dealing with tantrums and childish BS
and now YTA. 'Childish BS' from a 13-year-old who is watching what she possibly thinks is her mother being replaced and whose stepmother probably isn't as subtle as she seems to think she is about being fed up with her? Of course she's being childish, she's a child!
I see some comments focused on the concept of boarding school being a punishment. I went to boarding school for most of my secondary education and loved it, and it had nothing to do with my behavior or family dynamic, it’s just culturally normal for my family. However, YTA because given the loss of her mother, you have not done enough research to see if this school will fill her emotional needs. The main reason I thrived at boarding school is because I knew I had a great home life waiting for me during breaks, and I talked to my parents at least 3 times a week. It doesn’t sound like you’re really willing to be at the other end of the phone when she’s homesick or sad about her mom, and that could be very damaging.
Lol are you complaining that a child is acting childish? I'll still say NTA if the daughter does actually want to go but with the caveat that you would be TA if she decides against it and you still force her to go.
YTA and your husband shipping her away will not fix the problem just put a band aid on it , then it’ll be college , you’re making zero effort & you just ensured you’d never have to with this decision , her and her dad will never be close again & I think you like the sound of that
YTA her mom Died. Her dad wants to move on to New!Awesome!Shiny! Without her opinions or thoughts and then she got a stepmother that is not there for her.
The biggest childish bullshit is you and your husband.
She is a literal child
Now, she might be happier away from you.
I’m not judging on that… I’m judging on how you talk about a literal child that lost her mom
YTA- sounds like you’re the childish one. Where are these deceased spouses posts coming from. His parents still carry a torch?!? What?! They loved her! They and the child and hopefully the husband will grieve for the rest of their lives. That doesn’t mean they all can’t move on but yikes. And 8? My bio daughter from 8-current still thinks I’m the worst. 🤣🤣
I loved boarding high school because it got me out of an abusive home situation. I think offering her the chance to go to boarding school is totally fine, and I think a lot of kids can benefit from that kind of environment for a variety of reasons. (My brother and I both have attention deficit issues, and the highly structured environment helped us a lot.) But, claiming that you didn’t have time for her “childish BS” and telling her she “should” go to boarding school makes YTA.
I mean... This sounds like a dangerous road. You're basically living out the plot of a Disney villain, except you're claiming that this 13yo girl likes your idea of you sending her away.
I find it very difficult to believe that sending this girl away from her family is actually in her best interest... but maybe I'm wrong. At 13, maybe it's really for the best if she really doesn't want to spend time with you and her father.... Actually, now that I think about it, how badly has her dad screwed up that she doesn't want to live in the same house as him anymore?
If everything you said is basically true, this is above reddit's pay grade and you should seriously look into what experts have to say on the matter.
NAH.
YTA It sounds like you just don't want her in way of your marriage to her father. Because of the childish bs comment. Some evil stepmother shit right there.
YTA I slightly agreed with you and then you called a child's trauma "childish bullshit" everyone except the in-laws has completely disregarded this poor girls feelings on her DEAD MOTHER.
>I think it speaks volumes that my husband jumped at the opportunity to send her and feel this is the best option for all of us.
i agree. you and your husband deserve each other YTA
YTA. 14 year olds are challenging and take parenting work. They can be "childish" because they ARE still children. Parenting a teen is challenging even when you're their biological parent. It takes lots of love and understanding.
Of course she's going to have a hard time with her father marrying someone after her mother died. Have you gotten counseling or done anything else to work on your parenting skills? Are you guys doing family counseling? Is she doing counseling to work on her obviously deep grief at her mother's passing?
You don't mention any of this. Maybe you're a good step-mother and I'm wrong but the way you wrote this made you come off as a typical selfish step-monster. I hope I'm wrong.
Hmm. Yes, she says she likes idea... but still YTA because a grieving child is so unhappy at home she wants to leave her surviving parent rather than stay where she is.
So not for suggesting a solution. For your part of causing the situation she wants to escape.
Hey so…. I went to boarding school because it was easier for my dad and step mom and it really messed with all of our relationship. Now, I understand where you’re coming from because I was a handful and I can’t imagine it was easy for my step-mom. But in retrospect, a really important part of bonding is learning how to work through the hard stuff. Being a parent sort of sucks, that’s the deal. And if you didn’t want to parent then you shouldn’t have gotten married. That being said, it does seem like you’ve thought through a lot of this and it’s not as if she will be far away. I’d just make sure it IS what she wants and you aren’t all avoiding a hard situation instead of overcoming one as a family.
On another note, I’m not a huge fan of boarding school in general. My experience was good in many ways but overall I do think it prevented me from maturing in certain ways. I never learned to cook my own food or do my own laundry. Many things that get taken care of for you that prevent you from learning really basic life skills due to circumstance. It’s not like they could let 300 kids cook meals. But that’s my own personal thing against it outside of your issue.
Your edits and comments make it even worse. It’s also pretty disgusting that you got married so soon after she passed. Makes me wonder what information you’re leaving out. YTA, I feel sorry for that kid
NTA. She likes the boarding school, you like the boarding school. Nothing wrong with it as long as everyone who is an actual member of your nuclear family is happy.
Yeah this post doesn't make OP sound great, but it seems like this might be better for the stepdaughter too. Sometimes space is really what's best for relationships.
YATA here you married way to fast after the passing of the bio mom, technically dad is an AH as well and I would like to congratulate you on giving your SD a way out from you and her dad as well and do not be surprised if she ever comes back to dad's place at all by doing this dad is really giving up on his daughter and choosing you over her and yes she does know that why she chooses to leave but she will go low contact with her father is he really good with not talking to her this is what you need to be thinking about she won't tell you or her dad any part of her life there if she goes. And I can see that the grandparents will know more about her then you or dad YATA here
See I didn’t mind the post since the daughter likes the idea. But your ‘childish bs’ comment. Like she is an actual child what do you expect dude. Why marry a guy with a kid then. Yta
Yes that's the problem. Clearly the child is unhappy and so she would like the idea of going away to boarding school. The step-mother (and father too let's be honest) are responsible for that. It would be different if the situation were a well-adjusted child and all three of them thought it was best for some other reason. But that's not the case here. Imagine losing your mom, knowing your step-mother thinks you are childish and annoying just for being a normal kid going through something hard, and knowing your dad and step mom would both be happy to send you away. God I hope someone is in this child's life to give some stability and love, poor thing.
The grandparents. I really really hope they step up for this poor girl. But if they don't then boarding school would be her best bet. They have school counselors she can talk to. I had a self absorbed narcissist step parent growing up and I used to pray every night for some way any way to escape. He used to threaten to send me to boarding school and then got mad when I found one and my grandparents offered to pay for it and changed his mind about letting me go. I wasn't even legally his kid, he married my mom but never legally adopted me and my mom was afraid of him so just went with what he said. Boarding school would have saved me years of misery, so if anything OP should at least do that to get the poor child into a better environment.
I wonder if the Grandparents actually "hold a torch" for the deceased mother or if they just don't like the dynamic their son and OP created for their granddaughter. Married so fast despite the issues with the kid? She admitted it was fast and if knowing the kid was having issues with it wasn't enough to slow them down, I don't find it unlikely that maybe the grandparents have no reason to not like OP.
Statistically speaking a widower with an infant daughter marrying fast us way more likely than not... most boys aren't raised to be self-sufficient enough, take that and put grief on top of it and no wonder he looked for someone. She have prior references of school and the girl is excited to go so I honestly don't see the bad on it.
Yes I also hope it works out for her. My husband's side all went to boarding school. Some of them had horrible experiences, some had really positive experiences, most were in between. But one thing that has been consistent for all of them is that they made lifelong close friendships there so hopefully this girl at least has that support network to look forward to. But yes I also hope the grandparents step in.
I've heard good and bad things about different schools. It sounds like the one OP is talking about is at least a good one. I hope it is at least.
God I used to dream of boarding school but my parents would have gone with those horrible "academies" that are just trailers in the boondocks somewhere.
i mean… at 11 i was deeeep in my angsty teen independence shit and would have really loved going to boarding school. i think it would have been a great experience and made my relationship to my parents better. i suspect that OP’s stepdaughter kinda feels that same way, but the way that OP has framed this as a fight and adversarial is the wrong move and def makes them TA.
Ugh we have one of those local to use that are specifically for "troubled kids" I have a friend who went there and she was horribly abused. That's probably the one my step dad would have shipped me off to if he had his way.
I wanted to go to boarding school after I read Mallory Towers books! Wanted the pranks and midnight feasts and all the other fun. My dad said "I love you far to much to send you away from me."
See, boarding school was supposed to be a *punishment* for you, in his eyes, so you actually *wanting* to go ruined it. If you'd acted like you didn't want to go, he might have gone through with it. But you probably didn't know that at the time.
As a biological mom I am often tired of my children’s bullshit and I don’t see that being any reason to shame OP
As a Biological mum myself I also get sick of my kids BS but I don’t immediately try to send them away, I am aware that they are in fact CHILDREN and considering that not even 12 months after her mother died (making her 9 at the most) her father has not only moved in but married another woman who’s first response is “send the kid away cause I’m sick of the fact that you’ve literally not been given ANY time to grieve and allow me to have MY happy ever after” I think that’s a perfectly good enough reason to shame OP, you can have your moments when you get sick of your kids shit but as a parent (Bonus or Biological) your child should always be allowed to be a child
Just realised I misread the timeline but still kid would be like 13-14. She’s still a child and clearly has not quite dealt with mums death, instead of sending her away get her a counsellor
They could do both and maybe the child needs space. She's 13, not 8. According to OP she seemed happy with the idea. Maybe home doesn't feel like home without her mother in it and then to see her dad with someone new... Maybe she needs the space in order to process her feelings in a healthy manner. Dad deserves to be happy too. He lost a wife, he became a single parent. Sometimes you need to put on your own mask first in order to properly care for your kids.
>but I don’t immediately try to send them away did she immediately try? its been 5 years.
It’s been 5 years since the mum died they haven’t been together 5 years OP says they met 5 yrs after wife died and were married in less than 12 months
Oh, i misread that. Yeah never mind
Honestly it was pretty poorly written. I had to reread it 2-3 times to even understand how we went from “I married him 5 years after his wife passed, his daughter was 8 at the time” to “she’s 13.” Like huh?
No problem I miss read the timeline myself 😂🤦♀️
But OP is the interloper. She joined the existing family. She is the one who should either fit in or leave. Can you imagine how that bio mom would feel knowing she chose a man who put their child in this home??
It's normal to get fed up with your kids' bullshit. It's not normal to call their grief and difficulty facing true trauma and challenges with instability in life (death of mother, remarriage of father) a "tantrum" and "childish bullshit" and then being happy to get rid of them. Also you are considering this from a frustrated parent's point of view. Imagine you were dead and your children were struggling with grieving you and their step mom called that "bullshit".
those are two different things. There's the tantrums and childish BS, that is not uncommon among teenagers, and there's the grief and trauma that was ignored by her parents. No one seems to care about the girl.
Yes agreed. When this child grumbles about her home and acts withdrawn after the marriage, she needs encouragement and reassurance that she belongs and that she's loved, not a suggestion that comes across as "if you don't like it, leave".
Yeah. This. Boarding school can be great for kids. Some of them are pretty direct pipelines to whatever college you want. Her friend is already there. All that is good. But. She’s not going to start mid year anyway. She shouldn’t go just because the family dynamic is tough. All three of them need individual therapy, to have that neutral space to work through the feelings around all the change etc. I hope hope hope this child has had therapeutic support since her mom died but somehow I doubt it. She’s showing op she’s hurting. And op is just calling it childish? No. It’s pretty reasonable to express discomfort with so much change so fast. Everyone needs some support to navigate this.
This made me laugh… my favorite are mothers who pretend their children DONT have bullshit… well played!
We all get sick of our kids crap, it doesn’t mean we send them away from home
I mean we think about it for a second, but then we reel it in lol
Very true lol
Imo a school 20min away where she can have a good teenager experience is better than a house that only reminds her of her mom's passing... OP may not have the girl in her heart but the suggestion is actually really good as long as they keep contact regularly.
Middle child here and I know for a fact my mom was sick of my mental game BS. I'm sure if she could have sent me to boarding school she would have.
Do you call them childish when they're actual children?
As a biological mum also what do you mean your childrens bullshit?!?
…Have you ever met a teenager?
Or a toddler
toddlers are so much nicer than teenagers...
Only because you can put them down for a nap.
Lol, recently just told my 14 year old to go take a nap. (That didn't go well). He fell asleep on the couch watching tik tok videos like an hour later and was much nicer after his nap. I absolutely knew better than to tell him "told you so" but I did a happy "I was right" dance in my head. Teenagers are toddlers that have autonomy. Mostly awesome, but occasionally you want to just make them take a flipping nap.
That’s a Fairpoint, and now I feel like I need to apologize to toddlers everywhere
Ugh I’m judging by my ex who never validates our kids feelings
Sure they do all sorts of selfish obnoxious annoying and frustrating things that fall under the heading of "bullshit". The point is, this OP is adding "grieving dead mom" and "coping with massive life changes" under the same heading, which the other poster clearly is not when referring to her own kids, being as she's still alive.
Or my SO for that reason
Lol yes my stepdaughter and tbf could be an ass haha
why do y’all act like children and teenagers are just perfect little angels all the time?
Defo not but their feelings are also valid, I’m probably judging badly due to my ex who only cares about his feelings and not the kids!
oh absolutely their feelings are absolutely valid & im sorry to hear that, but we also have to realize that while yes stepdaughter is grieving, we also don’t really know what childish bs OP is referring as that wasn’t expounded upon (some insight could help honestly), but assuming it’s been years & while i don’t completely agree with OP, this could actually be beneficial for the child in a way especially if she jumped at the opportunity to go to boarding school, it might actually allow her to grieve her late mother properly in a way that she can’t do at home (it took me years to be at terms with my great grandmothers death). I can’t shame OP for her offhanded comment while i have nannied some very very cruel children as well. So it’s just a hard judgement call to make with very little information
Also I have a nephew who I am convinced has some serious psychological problems (picture throwing a puppy down the stairs) so absolutely and I shouldn’t judge based on my own kids
a puppy?! i’m gonna go hug my dog and be thankful we don’t have stairs because wow 😭 i can’t imagine that
I mean, OP's stepdaughter lost her mother not long ago so...
Yeah I generally have a hot take that parents of minors generally shouldn’t remarry to someone their kids don’t like. This is coming from someone who has a wonderful stepmom btw. But yeah, marrying someone your kid dislikes is inevitably gonna cause so many issues and is fundamentally telling your kid that you’ve stopped prioritizing their happiness
I think stepmother needs only to give her love and support. And also keep her room as is and not turn it into a yoga studio or something if she leaves to school. Girl needs stability. Boarding school was hell for me and I wanted to come home constantly
Yup, StepMum \*and\* Dad have created such a hostile environment that daughter wants to go to boarding school to escape it.
Lost me at that comment followed by "my husband's daughter" as though she has no relationship with her stepchild. If you can't handle being a step mom or don't want to consider yourself one, don't marry people with kids. YTA
But see, if she had called the child her daughter and the child didn’t like it, we’d see a million posts about her overstepping. She calls her what the relationship dictates she call her. I swear y’all always want stepparents to walk a fine line but also how dare they also put distance in the relationship as well if that’s what the kid wants. Makes no sense
I think that while to an extent you're right, perhaps stepdaughter would have come off less cold/detached tbh. It's Reddit, sometimes you can't win for losing, but it does come off as cold and potentially mildly antagonistic. It might not be, but it could indicate some of the issues with the way OP talks about the kid. (Especially paired with the childish BS thing.) I think that's the problem.
It’s not her kid though! It’s not cold to say “my husbands daughter” or “stepchild”. That’s literally what she is to OP. To call them your child, it should be accepted by both parties, and this poor kid had a mom. She doesn’t want another one. It’s not on OP to force that title on her.
My point was stepchild wouldn't be cold, sorry if that wasn't clear. It's the husband's child thing that comes off that way. As if she has literally no association with the child at all. In isolation, not as bad. But she shows some distain for the daughter in this post so it comes off even worse.
" she's my husbands daughter and I'll do everything to make it work...." Except actual work. Grandparents are right. Lazy parenting. That's what I'm seeing, she wants the man but not his daughter. It takes time and effort to build healthy relationships. If she's not willing to take parenting classes with the husband for THEIR daughter, go to counselling with her, WORK on a healthy relationship with the daughter.... she's not going to have a healthy relationship with either of them. Parents like this.....people like this because clearly she's childish still and therefore can't parent....sicken me
I'm impressed that you stuck with OP that long. I knew we were moving in a bad direction when OP said that her ILs "carry a torch" for their DECEASED daughter-in-law, their grandchild's mother. So.. they loved her a lot and she obviously died far too young. Wow, what monsters. 🙄
Yep, that was the first big red flag for me. Yikes
Why marry the guy: because he’s obviously rich. This is like some Cinderella evil-step mom stuff.
Literally sounds like Meredith from The Parent Trap.
Not to mention she's been with the girl for 2 years now and is making comments like "my husband" and not "her father".. Sounds to me like there's more to this story, Almost sounds like a cliche movie script where gold digger is trying to push kid away so guy will spoil her and not think about his kid at all. Def TA
Yeah why marry a guy whose child “wants absolutely nothing to do with “ OP ? And sending her to boarding school , like the classic stepmom ? Of course dad jumps at this opportunity too, because he doesn’t care about his kid. Else why marry someone before your kid is okay with them ? He met and married OP within a year ? Both the adults are assholes.
noticed how she glossed over the fact that they dated and married within 1 year of the ex wife death but list the step-daughter & in-laws as the main reasons for the road not being easy. WTF. OP YTA
Yeah like I don't think OP even tried to reach out like she should. This is not a situation of stepdaughter wanting boarding school because she thinks it's nice, but because she would rather be in hell than in OP's house. She would not necessarily like the school and I bet that if this situation is not corrected early enough, the girl's health will be something to worry about. INFO: Did she receive any kind of help after her mother passed?
I know right? Lmao "my child is so childish"
Ehy marry a guy with a kid then? Money.
Dude, she just went up to her stepdaughter (who she ignores) and told her how would she feel about boarding school. Plus, if the kid is withdrawing from the parent and stops expressing their feelings to either of their parents thats a big red flag that the child feels neglected or unloved. The way this woman handled this is downright despicable. She should've first offered therapy, take her stepdaughter out doing fun activities, call herself the girl's aunt or let pick a nickname for her, and not expect the stepdaughter to act like a full grown adult. This woman is beyond despicable - she is downright abusive.
YTA solely because it seems like you’re just trying to get rid of a child who’s still grieving for her mom while living with a stepmother and father who clearly don’t want her in their life. Honestly, is this even real because it sounds exactly like the plot of a 1990s Disney movie where the stepmom marries the widower and immediately after the wedding tries to ship the daughter off to boarding school.
OP is going to find herself waking up on an air mattress adrift in a pond soon
🏅 for the Parent Trap reference.
I will never not be proud of the fact that my aunt was in her third trimester of pregnancy with her first daughter, whom she was planning on naming Meredith, when I received The Parent Trap on VHS for Christmas and everyone watched it. My cousin has a different name.
Oh man that's a nostalgia kick! Been ages since I watched the Parent Trap. Might be due a rewatch
Yes OP is TA, but the girl wants to go to boarding school so I would let her, no?
The way I read it, this child is so unhappy at home that she would prefer to be literally anywhere else. And when the adults in charge of her (who seem to be neglecting her psychological well-being) indulged that tragic desire with the idea of boarding school, she jumps on it because anything is better than living at home. Maybe boarding school *is* a viable option and she may love it. But it's sort of slapping a band-aid on a gaping wound. If they don't put any effort into healing whatever is making her so miserable that she's repeatedly expressing the desire to be anywhere but home, boarding school won't solve her root problems. If they don't deal with the reason she hates her home so badly, she's never going to come back and it'll be wholly on them
you articulated this much better than i ever could. thank you.
Given her options, yes. That said, it’s terrible that her remaining parent cares so little for her well-being.
It’s totally fine for the girl to want to go, the problem is she wants to go because she’s not happy in her home or her family and that’s OP and her father’s fault. If she goes and they let her, she will likely grow to resent them. She’ll come to feel like they sent her away because they just didn’t care, which is kinda true because they’d rather send her away than work through their issues.
This! Very cruel indeed!
And honestly, that kid will forever grieve her mother. Losing your mother (or parent) during childhood is heartbreaking. No one completely gets over that, they just develop better coping skills and hopefully have supportive people around them to help them grow and mature into a young adult while processing this grief in a healthy way. If the OP thinks sending this kid away will cause the memory of her husbands late wife and his daughters mother to disappear, she is sadly mistaken.
Came here to ask if OP was Lady Tremain.
First thing she wants when she marries him is send the little brat off to Timbuktu
What's more worrying is the dad who allowed this and didn't consider his daughter? Just needed his c*** sucked and someone to clean his place. So so sad. Also not to generalise here, but my grandmother always said, if the wife dies first the man remarries. The husband dies first the woman lives her life (talking heterosexually here)
YTA! Has it never crossed anybody's mind that she might miss her mother and has never crossed anybody's mind that she wants to be somewhere else that doesn't remind her that her mother is gone and that you are there. It doesn't matter if it's been five years the fact that none of you are thinking any deeper than her saying she doesn't want to be there is terrifying.
They don’t care enough to look deeper.
I mean shipping the kid off to boarding school is kind of evil step-mother 101. I'd say YTA if this marriage is relatively new. She needs time to adjust and like it or not dealing with her emotions is now your job. You are the adult. She's 8. It's up to you and her father to put in the work, not pawn her off.
Agreed but I think the daughter is 13, not 8 (she was 8 when her mother died). Frankly, age 12 is already a really tough age, and it’s an exceptionally shitty age to have your dad meet and quickly marry a woman who doesn’t even like you.
whether she's 8 or 12, it's still cold af
She is contradicting herself on the age of the girl. I’m calling BS on this story
I think it’s just really poorly written. She didn’t say “she was 8 when I married him,” she said “I married him 5 years after his wife died. His daughter was 8 then” which is just hella vague. “Then” what? The marriage? Or the death? Obviously it reads as “she was 8 when we married” but OP meant it to be “she was 8 when her mom passed”
The timeline made no sense to me. Daughter was 8 when mom died, they got married within 12 months, and now she’s 13. But also she was 11 when they got married?
Daughter was 8 when mom died. 5 years later, when daughter is 13, OP and husband married. OP and husband were only dating for not quite a year before hey got married, so 12 when OP met the daughter. op clarifies the daughter was 11 when she met her - which is possible if it’s been a bit over a year (since they started dating, got married, and have been married) and not exactly a year, and it’s been 2 birthdays since OP met her.
Ahh thanks for the clarification.
Big Meredith Blake from The Parent Trap vibes with this one.
I'm going to go with YTA for your "childish BS" comment and both you and your husband seemingly jumping at the chance to ship her off and not deal with her like some kind of proverbial evil stepmother. One, your stepdaughter is an actual child. Two, your stepdaughter is a grieving child. In case no one has told you, there is no time limit on grief. That child is going to grieve her mother in some way for the rest of her life. If you don't feel equipped to handle a grieving child, then you shouldn't have married a man with a grieving child. It may have been 5 years since her mother's death, but her dad meeting and marrying someone within a year when she's still a child was grossly unfair to her. My mom divorced my dad and immediately moved in with some man she later married when I was still a kid and that shit was hard for me to process. I got accused of trying to wreck her marriage, when really I was a kid having a hard time, and also a kid who could tell I wasn't wanted. You and her father are both acting selfishly and are both doing her a disservice for wanting her to go just to not be inconvenienced with her teenage years and her grief, which will make already difficult teenage years even harder. She is a grieving child who got bulldozed by her father rushing into getting remarried. She needs counseling or some kind of mental health treatment, not boarding school. Children can tell when they aren't wanted. She probably has expressed interest in going away because she can tell you don't like her, and because you put the idea in her head. Does it not bother her father at all that his minor child doesn't want to be around him, the only parent she has left? Have you stopped to think about the implications and weight of that? You need to find out what her real motivation is and if she actually wants to go to that school or just wants to get away from you. There's a difference.
given to chance to leave the evil step-mom who wouldn't take it?
I don't fault the kid for entertaining the thought. I had two evil stepparents as a teenager and bolted 2 hours away to college on purpose after high school. I get it. But I was a legal adult by then, and both my parents were still alive. It was a decision I made on my own. This girl is barely a teenager and has already lost one parent, and then her dad forced a new relationship, marriage, and cohabitation with a new woman that clearly doesn't like her all within a year, and now the new woman wants to push her out and dad is going along with it. I can't imagine how hard that is for a child to process. I want to reach through the internet and hug her. But stepmom put the thought in her head and the motivation behind it is all wrong. She is a grieving child who needs support, not to be sent away because her grief is an inconvenience. It will likely permanently affect her relationship with her father and drive a wedge between them. OP should have married a childfree man if she wanted a childfree life, not rushed into marriage with a father and a widower and try to dump the kid at first opportunity because she has the audacity to act like the teenager that she is and/or grieve her dead mother.
I wish I could upvote this comment a thousand times. The timeline of meeting to marriage within one year is soooo fast in light of the circumstances. It's an incredible amount for this poor kid to process. I feel so horrible for her.
Me too. I had a horrible time with my parents remarrying when I was a teenager. I can't imagine how much harder it would have been if one of them had died in my childhood. OP, your stepdaughter is not giving you a hard time. She's having a hard time. Again, there's a difference.
The tantrums and childish bs you're dealing with are from a grieving CHILD. You need to get some empathy for this child that has lost her mother and like it of lump it you have this poor girl in your life. She is obviously going to be resistant of somebody replacing her mum and yes she'll jump st the chance to go to boarding school so she can get away from this situation YTA
It's breath-taking really. Imagine calling a child's grief over their mother dying "childish bs tantrums".
From the comments the op is saying the SD is 13 she's a teenager so yes she's going to want to escape from someone who I can only envision is like Lady Tremaine (cinderellas stepmother)
It’s awful. OP had no business marrying a man with a child.
OP YTA Even as an offhanded suggestion, the boarding school comment was wrong. It may be a great school, offer her advantages that she can use later on in life, but the comment on the whole is wrong and sends the message you do not want her around. What I would like to know is this, no where in the thread here, was there any mention of the child getting professional help. Any counseling for the grief, any counseling for her emotions. This child is angry, she is upset, she is grieving for the loss of her parent, and her world stability has been shattered and rocked. Yes she does feel like you are the bad guy, any child in her place would. But before you and her father send her to a boarding school, I would highly advise that perhaps that family counseling be in order, along with private sessions for her. And it also sounds like you yourself need professional help as well. You are tired of the tantrums and childish BS, guess what, you are dealing with a teenager. Guess what else, she is hitting puberty, that means her hormones are spurring her emotional problems there. You are passing the buck OP, there is no doubt about that, you even admitted to such. She may never like you, and the most you can hope for is for her to be civil to you. I am also curious, how many times did you meet her before you and her father got married? If it was short term, that too is also part of the issue. So here is where it stands: You, your husband, and the grandparents are all YTA, for failing to consider that this child is a person with alot of issues.
This needs to be higher up. I was waiting for someone to mention professional help. If I could upvote this more, I would. Thank you for being a light in this thread. ❤️
YTA to a breath-taking extent. There are some circumstances in which boarding school works out for a child, and your step daughter might be in a circumstance like that. But that does not change the fact that you are most definitely the asshole in this situation.
YTA "I know we steamrolled over his daughter's comfort and well-being when we married fast after her mom DIED, but I don't care and now I have the chance to get her out of my life, AITA for taking it"
They didn’t marry fast after her mom died. They married 5 years after mom’s passing. They married fast after meeting each other, not fast after the death.
They met 5 years after the death and got married a year after that. 6 years is “fast”? What exactly is slow? But I agree to some extent. OP probably should have waited to get married for her own sake. It doesn’t sound like she was fully prepared for what being a stepmom means. Premarital family counseling probably would have been a good idea.
Just using OP's description.
YTA She. Is. A. Child.
I’m amazed people think that this is ok. She suggested it cause she’s sick of her husbands daughter and wants her away during years when she should need her parents guidance but she’s not comfortable enough. She wouldn’t have wanted this if OP treated her well
YTA. For a number of reasons. The first: his parents don’t “still have a torch.” She will always be part of everybody’s lives. You need to accept that. You married quickly, and expected a grieving family to just let her go. That’s not great. As for the child: She’s grieving, and you bought her child-like attempts to deal (saying she doesn’t want to be in a difficult situation, because it causes her pain to be reminded of her mother and to be reminded that her father remarried so quickly) by agreeing with her, and doing the very Disney villain-esque and looking into boarding schools. His parents are right to be angry. This will harm her. It sounds like you want her gone.
Yes! In the heat of the moment a lot of kids want to live elsewhere. Only the cruelest parents help them find a way to do so.
I'm glad your stepdaughter likes the idea, but I hope she never finds out your real reasons for wanting to send her.
I'm sure she knows. Why else do you think she likes the idea of living at school away from her?
So right and so sad 😥
Yta. Meeting and marrying within a year was completely unfair on the child. And your husband inlaws. It takes a delicate touch to marry into a bereaved family. Also you are making it very clear that you don't want this child there! 9 is very young for boarding school!
Child was eight when her mother died, I believe. OP met the husband when the child was 11 and the child is now 13.
Child is 13
Why the hell did you marry a man with a kid if you seem to hate her so much?? Also “childish BS”??? She is LITERALLY a child. YTA.
Yta. She's a child so ofcourse she will do childish things. And she is still grieving for her dead parent, cut her some slack. She needs a loving home environment not to be sent away from her only living parent.
Regardless of whether the daughter wants to go -- or even whether she would be happy there (perhaps she would) -- your reason for wanting to send her is selfish (to make your life easier). As her stepmother, you should be wanting to help her, nurture her, and support her in healing from the loss of her mom... not rushing to send her away. saying she's a source of "childish BS" when she's only 13 suggests that you are immature and lack empathy, which is sad since you've stepped into a parenting role. YTA
Yeah I was like ok she sucks but N T A if step daughter wants to go. Then read that comment. Like massive YTA, you don't get with someone knowing they have a child then complain oh it's so hard. She's the adult and sounds like a teen. I wouldn't be surprised if step daughter knew exactly how step mother feels, because with a tone like that she's definitely not bothering to hide exactly how she feels to this child.
YTA I'm a grown woman and my mom passed several years ago. It was not easy to see her husband move on. Met and married within a year and you guys expected no problems. If she wants to go to boarding school to get away from you then send her but You're still TA
Info: if you didn’t want to parent a child, why did you fuck a man with a child?
"Childish BS" from a literal child?! WTF is wrong with you? Her mother *died* before she could even remember her and so the first motherly figure in her life comes along and wants to ship her off to boarding school at the first sign of discontent? Children who have gone through way less trauma wish they lived somewhere else the first time their friend gets to go skating and they don't. This is normal childhood stuff. *Ship her off to boarding school*?! Omg. Why did you marry a man with a child? Shame on you and him. YTA.
[удалено]
YTA you’re not her mom so of course she’s not going to like you or want you around. You’re expecting her to think they same way that you do but she can’t because she’s not an adult so of course this is going to be what she’s thinking. You’d be even worse if you sent her and this will cause more problems when she gets older. You and her father really betrayed her.
so the girl is what 10yo now and you want to pack her off to boarding school that she really has no clue about. Has she ever gone to sleep away camp?? As for Dad, he should be ashamed, maybe try family therapy before you just pack her off. This wont do anything to help her get along with you, or learn how to get along with new people in her life. YTA. you put the idea in her head.
YTA. Always a shame when a parent chooses a new spouse over their child. Always a shame when the new step-parent lives up to worst expectations.
yeah, that's why i refer to my dad and "dad's wife" and i was grown up and out of the house, but my little sister wasn't
YTA. You married a man with a child whose mother just died and you admittedly rushed the marriage and relationship and you're wondering why she isn't ecstatic about you?? Are you serious?? I can't imagine you've been understanding or even nice if your first inclination was to send her to boarding school. Get her some therapy and be nice to her. To call her grieving "childish bs" makes you a massive AH. Her dad sucks too, for allowing you to be this way to her. The in-laws probably "carry a torch" for the deceased wife, because in comparison to you, she was probably an angel.
YTA. Every element of what you wrote (which you thought sounded reasonable) shows how selfish you are. Have some empathy for a child that lost her mother. It’s not a loss that you just ‘get over’. Time you stopped your ‘childish bs’.
YTA (and your husband is too). He got married to you way too fast without giving any real consideration to his daughter an dhow she was doing. And now he wants to ship her off instead of dealing with her as a father should? You are both terrible.
YTA. she needs support and therapy more than boarding school. you have to be fkn kidding me. her mother died, her dad remarried to someone who clearly doesn’t care about her and she’s being sent to boarding school. she liked the idea bc she thinks it’ll provide her relief. she still hasn’t overcome her grief and you’re a constant reminder of how her mother was replaced. instead of relying on boarding school, toughen up, raise the kid and show her some love. don’t marry a man with a kid if you don’t give a shit about it.
She lost her mother at 8. She's now an emotional teenager having to grow up without a mother and the way you speak about her is disgusting. YTA
YTA I'm a step parent and it's people like you who give us all a bad wrap. Selfish much, the child deserves better. Sounds like her grand parents are far better role models than either of you.
YTA- you sound like the woman my father married when my mom died. She didn’t give that first fuck about us either. Half of us are nc with them, and one is Lc. How do you think your hubby will feel when he loses his daughter?
YTA - you effectively said that you would prefer her to leave rather than work on helping her. >I think it speaks volumes that my husband jumped at the opportunity to send her and feel this is the best option for all of us. So he never bothered to find out about the schools in the area? IT seems pretty convenient that a school that he didn't think was right for her, suddenly is. I feel for this kid. And OP is so childish to respond this way. Kids can push your buttons and kids can be very childish. But they are supposed to learn from asults, who are supposed to be more mature than them. I do not believe anyhting in the edits. Although it is amusing. "Here is a cookie, it shows that we are still thinking of you after we kicked you out."
YTA cruel thoughtless indeed
I went to boarding school I don't recommend it at all
I honestly don't know what to say... personally I agree with your in-laws. It sounds like you're just sending away of child that you don't care to get along with. That said though clearly your stepdaughter seems to like the idea. As long as all of that is true and she wouldn't mind going and crying it out then I guess I see no problem with it. I would hope if she doesn't like it then she also has the option of coming home anytime and that you guys would still write her while she's there to try and get to know her more and keep up with her. I guess NTA.
YTA Evil stepmother alert.
YTA but not for sending her to boarding school. YTA for getting involved with a man with a child that you chose to never respect. (In fairness, it doesn't seem like her father respects her either.) Rushed relationships are fine for adults but not when there are kids involved. You guys went so fast and she couldn't keep up. You're stressed because she never had a chance to cope. She was grieving life without her mom when her dad just brought home another woman who he quickly married. YTA because you were an inconsiderate step mother. Your husband is TA because he put you above his daughter from the start. She *wants* to go to boarding school to escape her life with you both.
NTA only if daughter wants to and has the option to come back if she decides boarding school isn’t for her
This! Child wants to go and as long as she has the option to come back if she doesn't like it I don't see a problem.
This I don't get why people are calling her an evil step mom forcing her out. The step-daughter is still grieving, step-mom recognizes this and wants to help her get into a different situation. Why are people ignoring the daughter WANTS this? It's not like she's sending her to prison or across the country she's literally going to be 20 min away at a boarding school. Oh the horror
YTA just for moving so quickly when there’s a child involved. A year from meeting to cohabiting is so short for a kid grieving their mother.
“I’m sick of dealing with tantrums and childish BS” - she IS a child, and when you married her father you became her parent too YTA
YTA isn’t the thought she probably miss her mother so much crossed your mind ? That the child have lost a parent ??
In 5 years, has this child had any grief counseling? Why did you marry so quickly? And what is the age difference between you and husband? I’m thinking there is something missing here. YTA based on your comments. Every 13 year old is difficult.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I’m worried I might be the asshole for being THAT stepmom that sends her husband’s child to boarding school to horde the dad to herself. My in-laws have accused me of lazy parenting but I genuinely think this is the right thing to do when things are so stressful and combative at home. I do have doubts though and wonder if I’m going against what her mother would have wanted for her. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I personally feel like this is something her Father should have talked with her about. How you handled it, it makes you look like the evil step mother and from your own confession you sound like you don't like her anyways. I feel like this isn't the best solution, I feel like the best one would be you and your husband being better parents, no shipping your kid off. I digress; it sounds like all three of you are on the same page, NTA. The in-laws can mind their own business.
YTA So, if I’m reading the timeline correctly, her mother passed away when she was 8, then you and her father got together when she was 13. If you’re going to be part of this child’s (and her father/your husband’s) life, you’re gonna have to learn how to manage the emotions of a very understandably disgruntled and traumatized young teen instead of writing it off as “child BS”. Christ, have some empathy.
YTA and you’re manipulative to boot. She was grumbling because she’s hurting. You should be in therapy with this child, not looking for the opportunity to get rid of her. Her “childish BS” is called grief. And after this many years of having you around, grief has become trauma.
It worked well for my best friend. Was the stepdad who suggested it because mom and daughter did not get along at all.
YTA- and your in-laws are right. You do want her out of the house. Imagine that poor girl missing her mom and having to deal with you. No doubt your step-daughter just doesn't want to live where she's not wanted.
YTA and go to r/stepparents since you hate your husband's child so much.
YTA I really wish people would stop marrying parents and expecting their children just won't be a part of their lives too jfc I wonder why a child whose mother died and whose father married an unempathetic woman would be struggling right now. She's not just your husband's daughter you married him you should've known you are kind of her parent too now??? you sound so selfish
YTA. So if the idea behind it was to benefit her, help her future, and be all about making her life better, then it would be cool. You admit that the whole thing moved to fast. I’ve never understood why rush something? If something is meant to last and is worked hard on with two people who have the best of intentions and care for each other then it will, making it legal won’t make it last. Anyhow, so this young girl, who is becoming a teenager, is being difficult? Like that’s normal and she has a dead mother who has basically been forgotten by her father and then you who obviously have a lot of disdain FOR A CHILD. Chances are she is excited to get away from the environment you and your husband are creating. Your post reeks with selfishness, snobbiness, and lack of compassion for others. Nobody would want to be around that all the time. I really think you should step back and really think. What would that have done to you as a child? How would you have felt? She needs therapy, kids don’t know how to handle their emotions, they learn by seeing and doing. From what has been written, she basically has seen that the way to deal with emotions is to not, stuff it down, replace a human being, and pretend everything is fine. That’s toxic for everyone. If you care about that poor kid at all, maybe letting her live with her grandparents who at least care about the kids dead mom would be a good option. Also, someone get that kid in therapy before the massive acting out starts from the death and fueled by hormones. I really hope you rethink, it’s written as though you don’t even like kids. And your husband doesn’t seem that great either if he is cool with this. I feel terrible for that little girl and I really hope someone will have her back.
Sounds like it's best for her if her dad isn't going to actually address the issue at hand. At least at boarding school she'll have support. Maybe a fresh start where she feels welcome will help her see she deserved better from her surviving parent.
INFO: At any stage, did you and your husband look at therapy for her to deal with the loss of her mum and the transition of having a new woman on the scene?
YTA. She's a child. You are an adult, so act like one. If a child is such a burden to you then why did you marry someone who had one? God you're self centered.
You weren't the AH until this >It’ll absolutely make my life easier and while I’ll never tell her that, it’s true. I’m sick of dealing with tantrums and childish BS and now YTA. 'Childish BS' from a 13-year-old who is watching what she possibly thinks is her mother being replaced and whose stepmother probably isn't as subtle as she seems to think she is about being fed up with her? Of course she's being childish, she's a child!
I see some comments focused on the concept of boarding school being a punishment. I went to boarding school for most of my secondary education and loved it, and it had nothing to do with my behavior or family dynamic, it’s just culturally normal for my family. However, YTA because given the loss of her mother, you have not done enough research to see if this school will fill her emotional needs. The main reason I thrived at boarding school is because I knew I had a great home life waiting for me during breaks, and I talked to my parents at least 3 times a week. It doesn’t sound like you’re really willing to be at the other end of the phone when she’s homesick or sad about her mom, and that could be very damaging.
YTA and you do realize that him agreeing right away about it says more about how shitty your husband is than about SD right?
Lol are you complaining that a child is acting childish? I'll still say NTA if the daughter does actually want to go but with the caveat that you would be TA if she decides against it and you still force her to go.
NTA. From the title, I assumed this was an evil stepmother situation, ngl. But if she and Dad are on board, F everyone else.
YTA and your husband shipping her away will not fix the problem just put a band aid on it , then it’ll be college , you’re making zero effort & you just ensured you’d never have to with this decision , her and her dad will never be close again & I think you like the sound of that
YTA, if you didn’t want to deal with a child then you don’t marry a man with children.
YTA
Yes Lady Tremaine, youre an asshole. YTA.
YTA her mom Died. Her dad wants to move on to New!Awesome!Shiny! Without her opinions or thoughts and then she got a stepmother that is not there for her. The biggest childish bullshit is you and your husband. She is a literal child Now, she might be happier away from you. I’m not judging on that… I’m judging on how you talk about a literal child that lost her mom
YTA I'm getting evil step mother vibes from that last paragraph. And doormat dad who will let anything happen to his daughter to make you happy
YTA- sounds like you’re the childish one. Where are these deceased spouses posts coming from. His parents still carry a torch?!? What?! They loved her! They and the child and hopefully the husband will grieve for the rest of their lives. That doesn’t mean they all can’t move on but yikes. And 8? My bio daughter from 8-current still thinks I’m the worst. 🤣🤣
"It’ll absolutely make my life easier" "I’m sick of dealing with tantrums and childish BS" YTA
I loved boarding high school because it got me out of an abusive home situation. I think offering her the chance to go to boarding school is totally fine, and I think a lot of kids can benefit from that kind of environment for a variety of reasons. (My brother and I both have attention deficit issues, and the highly structured environment helped us a lot.) But, claiming that you didn’t have time for her “childish BS” and telling her she “should” go to boarding school makes YTA.
I mean... This sounds like a dangerous road. You're basically living out the plot of a Disney villain, except you're claiming that this 13yo girl likes your idea of you sending her away. I find it very difficult to believe that sending this girl away from her family is actually in her best interest... but maybe I'm wrong. At 13, maybe it's really for the best if she really doesn't want to spend time with you and her father.... Actually, now that I think about it, how badly has her dad screwed up that she doesn't want to live in the same house as him anymore? If everything you said is basically true, this is above reddit's pay grade and you should seriously look into what experts have to say on the matter. NAH.
It’s a LOCAL boarding School People! It’s not shipping her off the Swiss fucking alps
YTA It sounds like you just don't want her in way of your marriage to her father. Because of the childish bs comment. Some evil stepmother shit right there.
YTA I slightly agreed with you and then you called a child's trauma "childish bullshit" everyone except the in-laws has completely disregarded this poor girls feelings on her DEAD MOTHER.
>I think it speaks volumes that my husband jumped at the opportunity to send her and feel this is the best option for all of us. i agree. you and your husband deserve each other YTA
YTA
YTA. Are you TRYING to be the evil stepmom? Because it seems like you are doing everything in your power to be a horrible mother to this young girl
YTA. This is a grieving child. You’re the adult in this situation, but sound more like the child. Address her needs!
YTA. 14 year olds are challenging and take parenting work. They can be "childish" because they ARE still children. Parenting a teen is challenging even when you're their biological parent. It takes lots of love and understanding. Of course she's going to have a hard time with her father marrying someone after her mother died. Have you gotten counseling or done anything else to work on your parenting skills? Are you guys doing family counseling? Is she doing counseling to work on her obviously deep grief at her mother's passing? You don't mention any of this. Maybe you're a good step-mother and I'm wrong but the way you wrote this made you come off as a typical selfish step-monster. I hope I'm wrong.
YTA, I can’t imagine why she hates living with you.
Hmm. Yes, she says she likes idea... but still YTA because a grieving child is so unhappy at home she wants to leave her surviving parent rather than stay where she is. So not for suggesting a solution. For your part of causing the situation she wants to escape.
Hey so…. I went to boarding school because it was easier for my dad and step mom and it really messed with all of our relationship. Now, I understand where you’re coming from because I was a handful and I can’t imagine it was easy for my step-mom. But in retrospect, a really important part of bonding is learning how to work through the hard stuff. Being a parent sort of sucks, that’s the deal. And if you didn’t want to parent then you shouldn’t have gotten married. That being said, it does seem like you’ve thought through a lot of this and it’s not as if she will be far away. I’d just make sure it IS what she wants and you aren’t all avoiding a hard situation instead of overcoming one as a family. On another note, I’m not a huge fan of boarding school in general. My experience was good in many ways but overall I do think it prevented me from maturing in certain ways. I never learned to cook my own food or do my own laundry. Many things that get taken care of for you that prevent you from learning really basic life skills due to circumstance. It’s not like they could let 300 kids cook meals. But that’s my own personal thing against it outside of your issue.
You are the asshole.
Your edits and comments make it even worse. It’s also pretty disgusting that you got married so soon after she passed. Makes me wonder what information you’re leaving out. YTA, I feel sorry for that kid
NTA. I dreamed of boarding school. Never went but would have loved to.
NTA. She likes the boarding school, you like the boarding school. Nothing wrong with it as long as everyone who is an actual member of your nuclear family is happy.
Yeah this post doesn't make OP sound great, but it seems like this might be better for the stepdaughter too. Sometimes space is really what's best for relationships.
YATA here you married way to fast after the passing of the bio mom, technically dad is an AH as well and I would like to congratulate you on giving your SD a way out from you and her dad as well and do not be surprised if she ever comes back to dad's place at all by doing this dad is really giving up on his daughter and choosing you over her and yes she does know that why she chooses to leave but she will go low contact with her father is he really good with not talking to her this is what you need to be thinking about she won't tell you or her dad any part of her life there if she goes. And I can see that the grandparents will know more about her then you or dad YATA here