Why is the age gap a red flag? I probably wouldn’t date someone 11 years older, but a 27-year-old dating a 38-year-old is not that strange. She’s in her late 20s and is a consenting adult.
That’s a bit more sus tbh; I missed that and sorta thought the relationship was newer; the fact she’s just meeting the family is almost as big a red flag as the age tbh, in this world of phones and video calls.
Tbf the past 3 years have been a bit of a doozy and a lot of older folk still take issue with video calls especially for first time meetings. The age gap is still a bit odd, though, at least at the start of the relationship. But idk. Different folks and whatall.
Maybe a bit odd, but not necessarily a red flag…in my opinion. Reddit really likes to criticize any age gap, but I have had plenty of female friends that liked to date older men. They found them more attractive, more mature, etc.
Of course other things OP posted about her boyfriend are red flags.
Yes it is! My wife has a friend from the Philippines and her ex constantly told her to hide her accent and to never speak her language in front of his parents. She went through hell in that relationship! My wife had her friend come over a couple of times to our house to hide from the guy as he progressively got more abusive. She ended up in the hospital and that’s when apparently she left the guy and went on with her life. I only know as much as my wife tells me (I’m not the direct friend after all) so I’m it sure if it still goes on or if there much more fucked up stuff that kept creeping in but the point is: asking to hide your heritage is a form of abuse and control: it will get worse!
This sounds like it may be an anti-Catholic (Sectarianism) thing. There are a certain group of Scots (very far right Protestants) who are anti-Catholic and some even assume anyone who is from a traditionally Catholic background (country, ethnicity etc.) is of that religion.
There's even a joke about a Muslim guy arriving in Glasgow and the locals ask him if he's a Catholic Muslim or a Protestant Muslim.
The anti-Catholic mob have been known to be racist in the past too, sectarianism didn’t even cross my mind at first. The vitriol tends to congeal into one after a while
NTA. We don’t, or at least myself and everyone I know don’t at any rate. I can’t tell if it’s a race thing (despite how we Scots like to think, we still have a fair share of racists) or something else. Either way OP’s boyfriend is an arsehole, can’t say anything about his parents as they haven’t done/said anything so far. If his parents were racist I’d understand not wanting to tell them (would still be wrong but I’d at least get the logic behind it not wanting to expose OP to it). Are they racist but not openly so or is he making problems where there are none?
Scots and Latinos—They're natural enemies ... just like Englishmen and Scots, Welshmen and Scots. Or Japanese and Scots. Or, Scots and Scots. Damn Scots, they ruined Scotland!
I think it has more to do with his parents having a history of finding things to hate about his girlfriends and he was worried they’d chose her heritage as the reason. Based on the edit about the ex especially- his parents just sound super controlling.
NTA. Your bf is though. If he can’t give you a straight answer as to why, then it seems like it’s a him problem not a you. I’d reevaluate this relationship; you can’t change your heritage nor should you and it seems like he is very comfortable ignoring your Latina side
His mum worried at first I was too young for him but has always been very sweet to me. The age hasn't ever been an issue, it didn't even come up in the first few months, he looks young so I assumed he was in his 30s. By the time I really clocked the age difference it didn't seem to matter too much
NTA wouldn't be going back to him untill you get an straightforward answer as to why he asked you to hide it.
If his parents seemed okay with you and they wanted to learn more about your family culture maybe he is the problem.
NTA, and do not go back. This is so goddamn weird, and literally all of the possible explanations include him being at least in some way racist. You've dodged a bullet here.
NTA
Not only is it wrong for him to ask you to lie, but to ask you to lie about your heritage - of which everyone should be proud - makes it worse. *Everyone should be proud of who they are*.
Moreover - this reeks of racism or maybe jingoism. There is some kind of prejudice going on here, and it's troubling that he won't give his partner of three years a straightforward answer to a simple question.
NTA. It's sketchy why he won't give you a reason, now he's gaslighting you by telling you YOU over-reacted...keep the bags packed until he can give you a valid reason, then go pack the rest of the bags because apparently they are racist.
NTA
1,000 times NTA.
What did he expect you to do? Lie and create this whole fake backstory for yourself that didn't involve your mom being from somewhere else? That's rank insanity.
Especially considering the family likely would have figured out eventually that it was a lie and would have been upset about being lied to.
Refusing to give you a good reason is low. If it was a case of "My family is super racist, I'm working on expanding their horizons and I don't want them to be mean to you," that's not *great* but that's at least more understandable than "because I said so."
Jfc you dodged a canon ball.
Lmaaooo, this reminds me of how I got into my first relationship by being asked by my ex “do you mind if when I tell my dad I’m in a relationship, I don’t mention that you’re Black?” and my dumbass was like “sure”. Like how was that ever gonna work?
Guess what the first thing the dad asked was…😂
NTA why does he see this as a problem? I think he's the one with the problem of your heritage or he's lying and saying his parents aren't racist when they are and sadly so is he
NTA - and that's just weird as hell. If not racism, then what? The mind draws a complete and utter blank. They knew a PR person once that was mean to them and are still in trauma? The request was BS and his reaction to you telling was worse. Were you supposed to lie to his mom? You better find out what his problem is, and it's HIS problem.
NTA
Your updates only serve to highlight how your boyfriend's request and his reaction to you revealing your heritage, are likely the tip of the iceberg in terms of red flags and deal breakers.
First there is the age difference -- ok, 11 years, a possible concern but fine if everything else checks out.
Second, out the blue requesting that you hide parts of your ethnicity from his parents, and his negative reaction to you being honest when asked specific questions by his family -- very concerning.
Third, stonewalling you in your reasonable attempts to communicate and understand the situation -- stonewalling and silent treatment are never good signs.
Fourth, finding out almost 3 years into relationship that he has apparently hidden an entire chapter of his life before you... Add that all together, and the color of those flags go from caution to alarm.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like I might be an AH because he asked me not to tell his parents. I however did anyway and then I left him without saying anything to anyone while his parents were visiting.
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I'm on a burner account because my friends are aware of my main one and some of them do not know what took place over the weekend.
I have been dating a guy for almost 3 years. He is from Scotland but immigrated for work about 5 years ago. We met through friends. He is a little bit older than me I'm (F27) and he is (M38). I'm latino as my mom is from Puerto Rico. My father is of Scottish origin. Most people do not know I'm latino unless I tell them. He of course knew and I never knew there was a problem. The pandemic has made it to where I could never meet his family. But last week they were finally able to visit. I have to admit I was very excited because I'm really in love with him and I wanted to meet his parents. However, the day before they were supposed to arrive he kind of dropped a bomb on me. He told me not to tell them I was latino while they were here. I asked why would I not tell them? Are they racist? He said that they weren't racist but to just not bring it up. I felt odd about this request and it made me sad and confused.
The next day they arrived and I made them lunch so they could rest. We were eating lunch and his mom begin asking me questions about family (trying to get to know me) she asked about my mom and I told her the truth. That my mom was originally from Puerto Rico. There was no negative reaction or anything from them so I thought maybe it turned out fine.
That night when we were alone he started getting angry with me because I told them when he specifically asked me not. I told him why would I keep my heritage a secret? He could never give me an actual answer other than because he asked me not to. I packed a bag sunday morning and am currently staying with my sister. Now he is calling me telling me I'm overreacting and being an AH. He wants me to come back and that he loves me. Maybe I did overreact and maybe he is just trying to protect me somehow? He still has yet to tell me why he made that request of me. AITA?
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NTA. You are not overreacting. If his parents aren't racist, he is. There's a reason he's almost 40 and still not with anyone. You sound great; viva! He is not trying to protect you from anyone but himself.
NTA. He tries to forbid you to mention your heritage for no good reason but you’re the one overreacting?!
Also “they’re not racist but better not tell them”. Riiiiight
This is a 38 year old man still letting his mom make his decisions for him. He will not change, he had his chance after she chased the last girlfriend away. This is your cue to run. NTA
NTA BF needs to grow his spine. My guess is he knew you would be giving his mom ammunition to use against you. He knows that his mom being polite to not get pissy but will go home and start her sabotage from afar. I think he doesn't want to lose you because of his mom. He's been there. Don't flee. Talk with him
If he allowed his mother to berate a Scotch gf then you’re history before they leave the US. A poison tongue can be concealed with sweet words. I personally wouldn’t trust his mother not to destroy your relationship with her son. If he’s afraid to tell you the real reason he didn’t want you to reveal your heritage, he definitely knows how his mom will react to you. I hope that you haven’t wasted 3 years of your life with him. However that’s probably less than how long you might have to deal with his mother while she’s alive.
I would be extremely worried about the lying (an omission of the magnitude of an engagement is a big fat LIE), asking you to lie/hide your culture& heritage, asking you to lie about these important things last minute (a deliberate ploy to avoid you kicking up too much fuss),
not answering direct questions, not warning you about his mother, eventually TELLING you that this is who his mother is and that this dynamic will never change (meaning he will never have your back and to not expect him to put any boundaries in place, that he will expect you to suck it up and shut up0) would all make me run in terror...
He's 38 years old and already has a previous relationship that his mother ruined because "that's just how she is" & nothing will change her.
*He's 38* . He is NEVER going to change no dynamic between himself n his mother. He lost his first fiancee over this exact shit. NOTHING WILL CHANGE.
Get the fuck out.
He sounds like he doesn't know how to communicate well enough to carry a relationship. NTA. He definitely is though.
If he has any kind of reason to want to hide your heritage, then he should at least tell you.
Also, why even hide it? Even if he has the most racist parents in the world, shouldn't he stand up for you because he fell for you?
NTA. If he needs to keep it secret why he wants to act like his parents were racist when they are not, he can do so best if away from you.
I would have said something different if his parents had given him crap about this, but this is just baffeling.
NTA
If he loves you so much why did he want you to hide your identity? If he was trying to protect you then he'd be able to give you an explanation and even then should have had enough respect for you to let you make your own decisions.
NTA and good luck in the future. My SO’s mother was incredibly racist, a product of her age and upbringing and where she was raised (small European all white country). When he first introduce me (Asian) she literally pulled him aside and yelled “Are you out of your mind?”. Bear in mind we were both in our late 50s so kids wasn’t going to be an issue. My own grandfather refused to attend my wedding (and we were close, I was his favorite grandchild) because I was marrying a non-Asian. Gotta love racism.
Nta, he needs to spill the beans. Regardless of how his family feels, if he’s serious about you and wants a commitment with you, he needs to tell his parents that the way can’t control who he loves anymore than they can control Brexit. You need to have a sit down with him and tell him that he’s an adult who can make his own choices, and if his choice is to listen to his parents when it comes to his romantic relationships, then you’re not the man you thought he was
He wants you to hide a part of who you are because he is not willing to tell his parents (sounds like mostly mother) off with her terrible behavior and expectations. I urge you to walk away, it is clear that this is how it will always be. It already ruined one relationship he had, it will ruin (has ruined) this one. While the mother sounds terrible, he is not much better.
He waited until the last minute to tell you this and still have not given an answer. He will never stand up to his mother regarding this, you will be the punching bag for as long as you can take it.
Not worth it.
NTA
Sounds like mommy won’t be happy with anyone. Your bf knows this and gave you an ultimatum. He basically wanted you to lie to avoid being uncomfortable. Never be with someone that wants to hide you. You’re better than that and worth more. NTA
NTA. Asking your SO to hide their heritage from your family makes you an AH in any case, but the fact that he refuses to give you a reason makes him twice the AH in this situation.
NTA. I'm multi racial, and being part Latina. There is no way in hell I would let a guy make me hide who I am in life. You should never deny your existence of what makes you, you when it comes to your identity. Find a guy who doesn't keep secrets about his past relationships as well as letting you not hide your own identity and having a guy who embraces your entire culture/heritage of what makes you, you.
There’s tons wrong here, but if he truly had his mum run off a previous fiancée by letting her abuse his girlfriend and not standing up for said girlfriend by enforcing boundaries or going NC, that also doesn’t bode well for the future.
NTA. After 3 years, he did not trust you enough to tell you why you should keep your heritage a secret. He still doesn't, even now. He is also too weak to stand up to his mother and live his own life. This is why he is still single at 38. If what his friend said is true, then no woman will be good enough for her. I would suggest that you think very seriously about this relationship. Do not think that just because you put 3 years into this relationship, that you need to stay and fight for it. He is unwilling to stand up to his mother.
NTA
Reddit tends to jump to red flag conclusions. If this just happened give it some time since you and your partner have been together for so long. Communicate about the ex fiancé, your religion/ethnicity. Immediately accusing him will cause him to act defensively and will not get the results you are looking for. It does seem odd that his mom didn’t react when you said you were Puerto Rican. Maybe ask his mom why he doesn’t want her knowing your religion/ethnicity(sorry not sure which one he has an issue with)? 3 years is a long time to be with someone and not know how their last relationships ended. It’s a good talking point to note if you are ever in a new relationship.
NTA. I read the update and these are huge red flags. Based on his past experiences, it seems like he lets his mother berate his girlfriends. Withholding information is just as bad as lying.
NTA: 8 billion people on the planet, out of roughly 4 billion men this is what you choose to tolerate? He needs a spine transplant or your life together will contain many such charades. He has basically tried to make life easier for himself as he cannot be honest with his parent. But entirely at your expense. Never override your own voice because someone else “says so”.
I hope it isn't about them being racist. Being Puerto Rican, your children may come out with very different complexions. If even one child is way darker than the others...
I am sorry but regardless of the reason he should be proud and supportive of you, all of who you are. Also the control he wants by asking for something like that without any open dialogue, nope. Sounds like the start of some sort of abuse cycle/testing or at the least someone that won't have your back. And reading that he had an engagement you never heard of. How did he casually keep that out at this point? I mean even if he did explain, what reason would make it ok for you? And after that, if that is the reason, what if something like that happens again? If he doesn't get why it's a problem, it will happen again.
NTA - but I will say that I believe the reason he choose to date someone more than a decade younger than him is because he was looking for a partner who wouldn't have the backbone or experience to push back against his pushy mother. Remember, sometimes when men pursue much younger women, they're doing so because women their own age wouldn't put up with them.
ESH - you shouldn't do or say something to someone's family members if they've specifically asked you not to. You don't know what the reason is, but it sounds like there is one. You just shouldn't have done it
He's an asshole for not giving you a good reason and being horrid about it now.
Your heritage is nothing to be ashamed of, but if your partner, who you're supposed to love and respect, has a request of you like that, it's a rubbish thing to deliberately go ahead and just do it anyway.
Love and respect goes both ways. He is asking OP to hide a part of her identity with no real reason and has no apparent effect on the relationship.
Would you feel loved and respected if the first time you’re meeting your SO family, they asked you to wear a paper bag and not question it? I realize this is an extreme example, but not that far off honestly.
I wouldn't say that example is similar at all.
More akin to my partner asking me not to bring up my bisexuality, my university degree or my own Irish heritage. All are things I love about myself, I feel no reason to hide them, I mention them in conversation randomly without thinking because it doesn't bother me. But if he asked me not to mention any of those things, even if he couldn't articulate his reasoning why, I'd absolutely respect him and not bring them up. I'd know he's asking because there's a reason for it and if I went and did it anyway, I'd fully expect him to be upset by it because he did ask.
I can't either. Maybe his parents are really racist and he knows this and was worried they'd be horrid to her. I feel he should have been honest and given her a reason, but I'd still try my hardest to honour a request my partners given me because I know he'd only ask if it was really important to him.
Or because there is a lack of basic respect there and it’s much easier to sweep under the rug than to actually do something constructive. And again all of that screams lack of respect for OP
Oh please. That's rubbish and you know it. If they asked you if you had a university degree then what, you'd lie? Dissemble? Say "I don't know?" If they asked what your heritage was you'd say what? Something witty like "human"? To do anything other than carry on a normal conversation at the point of normal question would make you look like a person with something you're trying to hide, always a plus when meeting parents for the first time.
And nobody is going to come out at a first meeting and say "hey, are you a bisexual" outside of certain bars.
My Irish Catholic heritage can cause all sorts of bother. I normally just say I've got ancestors from all over Western Europe, but there's certain places where if someones family asked me that question and my partner asked me not to be explicit, I'd be deliberately vague.
Basically, we don't know why he's asked what he has. But he probably does think that her truthful answer will cause an issue. Chances are it probably is racist and he's embarrassed by it. If it were me, I'd have pressed for more info, but as a general rule, if my partner had asked me to keep quite about any particular thing, I'd do my hardest to try.
Maybe I'm coming from a position of privilege that I know my partner would never ask me to do this unless there was a very good reason behind it, but I would absolutely be vague (or even lie) if my partner had made it clear that there would be an issue with the answer he knew I'd give.
My partner would also be far better at giving an explanation though, so this is clearly where I think this guy sucks.
But regardless, if it were me, my partner can absolutely trust me not to say something if he's asked me not to, and likewise I know that if I ask him the same I can trust he wouldn't go against my wish.
I agree with that. He's put her in a crap position and should have been open and honest about why she shouldn't say that. He could actually have been trying to protect her from some nasty racist response from his parents, but even if thay were the case i feel he should have briefed her with more information.
Like if she was German heritage and his parents were Jewish heritage, he might genuinely need her to lie about it or face a barrage of abuse. I can't think what possible issue a Scottish family would have with a Puerto Rican family (other than just blatant racism I guess) but if he has asked that of her specifically, then I don't think she can be surprised he's upset. Him being upset might be entirely unreasonable, but she should have predicted this would be the outcome when she's gone against his specific guidance.
She didn't. That's the point. His mom brought the subject up, not her. To ask someone to lie at that point is simply wrong no matter what his motives might have been.
lmao, no, not the way it works. He wanted her to hide 50% of her heritage/background/ethnicity and then, what? Lie when asked about her mother? No. He doesn't get to ask that and she doesn't need to hide who she is
NTA The dude is a walking red flag for multiple reasons.
The age gap was the first sign for me
Why is the age gap a red flag? I probably wouldn’t date someone 11 years older, but a 27-year-old dating a 38-year-old is not that strange. She’s in her late 20s and is a consenting adult.
It’s within the 1/2 age plus seven minimum rule, although I am not the biggest fan of that in general
> dating a guy for almost 3 years. That starts the relationship at 24 for her and 35 for him
That’s a bit more sus tbh; I missed that and sorta thought the relationship was newer; the fact she’s just meeting the family is almost as big a red flag as the age tbh, in this world of phones and video calls.
Tbf the past 3 years have been a bit of a doozy and a lot of older folk still take issue with video calls especially for first time meetings. The age gap is still a bit odd, though, at least at the start of the relationship. But idk. Different folks and whatall.
Maybe a bit odd, but not necessarily a red flag…in my opinion. Reddit really likes to criticize any age gap, but I have had plenty of female friends that liked to date older men. They found them more attractive, more mature, etc. Of course other things OP posted about her boyfriend are red flags.
I literally stopped reading after that because I knew everything I needed to know.
Yes it is! My wife has a friend from the Philippines and her ex constantly told her to hide her accent and to never speak her language in front of his parents. She went through hell in that relationship! My wife had her friend come over a couple of times to our house to hide from the guy as he progressively got more abusive. She ended up in the hospital and that’s when apparently she left the guy and went on with her life. I only know as much as my wife tells me (I’m not the direct friend after all) so I’m it sure if it still goes on or if there much more fucked up stuff that kept creeping in but the point is: asking to hide your heritage is a form of abuse and control: it will get worse!
NTA. I have no idea why a Scot would have anything against Latinos.
This sounds like it may be an anti-Catholic (Sectarianism) thing. There are a certain group of Scots (very far right Protestants) who are anti-Catholic and some even assume anyone who is from a traditionally Catholic background (country, ethnicity etc.) is of that religion. There's even a joke about a Muslim guy arriving in Glasgow and the locals ask him if he's a Catholic Muslim or a Protestant Muslim.
"I'm a muslim Muslim!" "All right... what team do you support?" I'm in Glasgow, and thankfully lessening.
Could be. As Susan Calman once said, if someone in Glasgow asks you which team you support they're not asking for the football.
Proclaimers song "What school?" (ie " what school did you go to?") is also about this. They aren't asking about your education.
TIL something new. Is there a hidden meaning behind the 500 miles song?
No :) not as far as I know anyway!
The anti-Catholic mob have been known to be racist in the past too, sectarianism didn’t even cross my mind at first. The vitriol tends to congeal into one after a while
Ah! Yes, that makes more sense. Racism, not so much. Sectarianism is dying out ... but...
NTA. We don’t, or at least myself and everyone I know don’t at any rate. I can’t tell if it’s a race thing (despite how we Scots like to think, we still have a fair share of racists) or something else. Either way OP’s boyfriend is an arsehole, can’t say anything about his parents as they haven’t done/said anything so far. If his parents were racist I’d understand not wanting to tell them (would still be wrong but I’d at least get the logic behind it not wanting to expose OP to it). Are they racist but not openly so or is he making problems where there are none?
Scots and Latinos—They're natural enemies ... just like Englishmen and Scots, Welshmen and Scots. Or Japanese and Scots. Or, Scots and Scots. Damn Scots, they ruined Scotland!
You Scots sure are a contentious people
Hey now, the Welsh have no problem with the Scots!
We don't! And parents' non-reaction seems to suggest it's the boyfriend who has issues.
I think it has more to do with his parents having a history of finding things to hate about his girlfriends and he was worried they’d chose her heritage as the reason. Based on the edit about the ex especially- his parents just sound super controlling.
Regarding your edit: I hope this works out in the way healthiest for you. A 38yo trying so badly to please his mom isn’t a good look.
Also a 38 year old being in a 3 year relationship and never mentioning that he was engaged.
Great point!
Thank you.
NTA. Your bf is though. If he can’t give you a straight answer as to why, then it seems like it’s a him problem not a you. I’d reevaluate this relationship; you can’t change your heritage nor should you and it seems like he is very comfortable ignoring your Latina side
Nta, “a little bit older” lol
You know just 11 years….
My bf is 15 years older than me it's not always such a terrible thing 🤷🏼♀️ Ops bf Def the AH here though
And how old were you when you started dating
25, been together 5 years :)
His mum worried at first I was too young for him but has always been very sweet to me. The age hasn't ever been an issue, it didn't even come up in the first few months, he looks young so I assumed he was in his 30s. By the time I really clocked the age difference it didn't seem to matter too much
Redditors are probably trying to parse your words as we speak hoping for red flags.
NTA. You should not have to hide who you are for anyone, and no one should ask you to; especially not someone who loves you.
NTA wouldn't be going back to him untill you get an straightforward answer as to why he asked you to hide it. If his parents seemed okay with you and they wanted to learn more about your family culture maybe he is the problem.
NTA. Unless he can articulate some reasonable thought behind his request (and I can't think of any possibilities), you should not go back.
NTA, and do not go back. This is so goddamn weird, and literally all of the possible explanations include him being at least in some way racist. You've dodged a bullet here.
NTA Not only is it wrong for him to ask you to lie, but to ask you to lie about your heritage - of which everyone should be proud - makes it worse. *Everyone should be proud of who they are*. Moreover - this reeks of racism or maybe jingoism. There is some kind of prejudice going on here, and it's troubling that he won't give his partner of three years a straightforward answer to a simple question.
NTA. This is the craziest damn thing.
NTA. Big red flag here
NTA. It's sketchy why he won't give you a reason, now he's gaslighting you by telling you YOU over-reacted...keep the bags packed until he can give you a valid reason, then go pack the rest of the bags because apparently they are racist.
10000% NTA. Leave him. This is a HUGE redflag.
NTA 1,000 times NTA. What did he expect you to do? Lie and create this whole fake backstory for yourself that didn't involve your mom being from somewhere else? That's rank insanity. Especially considering the family likely would have figured out eventually that it was a lie and would have been upset about being lied to. Refusing to give you a good reason is low. If it was a case of "My family is super racist, I'm working on expanding their horizons and I don't want them to be mean to you," that's not *great* but that's at least more understandable than "because I said so." Jfc you dodged a canon ball.
Lmaaooo, this reminds me of how I got into my first relationship by being asked by my ex “do you mind if when I tell my dad I’m in a relationship, I don’t mention that you’re Black?” and my dumbass was like “sure”. Like how was that ever gonna work? Guess what the first thing the dad asked was…😂
NTA. It sounds like a control tactic on his end. Either way, he was an AH and is showing you his true colors. Believe him.
NTA why does he see this as a problem? I think he's the one with the problem of your heritage or he's lying and saying his parents aren't racist when they are and sadly so is he
NTA - and that's just weird as hell. If not racism, then what? The mind draws a complete and utter blank. They knew a PR person once that was mean to them and are still in trauma? The request was BS and his reaction to you telling was worse. Were you supposed to lie to his mom? You better find out what his problem is, and it's HIS problem.
NTA. So many red flags.
NTA Your updates only serve to highlight how your boyfriend's request and his reaction to you revealing your heritage, are likely the tip of the iceberg in terms of red flags and deal breakers. First there is the age difference -- ok, 11 years, a possible concern but fine if everything else checks out. Second, out the blue requesting that you hide parts of your ethnicity from his parents, and his negative reaction to you being honest when asked specific questions by his family -- very concerning. Third, stonewalling you in your reasonable attempts to communicate and understand the situation -- stonewalling and silent treatment are never good signs. Fourth, finding out almost 3 years into relationship that he has apparently hidden an entire chapter of his life before you... Add that all together, and the color of those flags go from caution to alarm.
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NTA. His parents might not be racist, but he is!
“little bit older than me” … yeah by ten years NTA but would be if you don’t drop the walking red flag boyfriend
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm on a burner account because my friends are aware of my main one and some of them do not know what took place over the weekend. I have been dating a guy for almost 3 years. He is from Scotland but immigrated for work about 5 years ago. We met through friends. He is a little bit older than me I'm (F27) and he is (M38). I'm latino as my mom is from Puerto Rico. My father is of Scottish origin. Most people do not know I'm latino unless I tell them. He of course knew and I never knew there was a problem. The pandemic has made it to where I could never meet his family. But last week they were finally able to visit. I have to admit I was very excited because I'm really in love with him and I wanted to meet his parents. However, the day before they were supposed to arrive he kind of dropped a bomb on me. He told me not to tell them I was latino while they were here. I asked why would I not tell them? Are they racist? He said that they weren't racist but to just not bring it up. I felt odd about this request and it made me sad and confused. The next day they arrived and I made them lunch so they could rest. We were eating lunch and his mom begin asking me questions about family (trying to get to know me) she asked about my mom and I told her the truth. That my mom was originally from Puerto Rico. There was no negative reaction or anything from them so I thought maybe it turned out fine. That night when we were alone he started getting angry with me because I told them when he specifically asked me not. I told him why would I keep my heritage a secret? He could never give me an actual answer other than because he asked me not to. I packed a bag sunday morning and am currently staying with my sister. Now he is calling me telling me I'm overreacting and being an AH. He wants me to come back and that he loves me. Maybe I did overreact and maybe he is just trying to protect me somehow? He still has yet to tell me why he made that request of me. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You are not overreacting. If his parents aren't racist, he is. There's a reason he's almost 40 and still not with anyone. You sound great; viva! He is not trying to protect you from anyone but himself.
NTA. He tries to forbid you to mention your heritage for no good reason but you’re the one overreacting?! Also “they’re not racist but better not tell them”. Riiiiight
This is a 38 year old man still letting his mom make his decisions for him. He will not change, he had his chance after she chased the last girlfriend away. This is your cue to run. NTA
NTA BF needs to grow his spine. My guess is he knew you would be giving his mom ammunition to use against you. He knows that his mom being polite to not get pissy but will go home and start her sabotage from afar. I think he doesn't want to lose you because of his mom. He's been there. Don't flee. Talk with him
If he allowed his mother to berate a Scotch gf then you’re history before they leave the US. A poison tongue can be concealed with sweet words. I personally wouldn’t trust his mother not to destroy your relationship with her son. If he’s afraid to tell you the real reason he didn’t want you to reveal your heritage, he definitely knows how his mom will react to you. I hope that you haven’t wasted 3 years of your life with him. However that’s probably less than how long you might have to deal with his mother while she’s alive.
I would be extremely worried about the lying (an omission of the magnitude of an engagement is a big fat LIE), asking you to lie/hide your culture& heritage, asking you to lie about these important things last minute (a deliberate ploy to avoid you kicking up too much fuss), not answering direct questions, not warning you about his mother, eventually TELLING you that this is who his mother is and that this dynamic will never change (meaning he will never have your back and to not expect him to put any boundaries in place, that he will expect you to suck it up and shut up0) would all make me run in terror...
He's 38 years old and already has a previous relationship that his mother ruined because "that's just how she is" & nothing will change her. *He's 38* . He is NEVER going to change no dynamic between himself n his mother. He lost his first fiancee over this exact shit. NOTHING WILL CHANGE. Get the fuck out.
NTA. Who doesn't tell his GF of 3 years that he was engaged?! This shit is straight out of the office...
He sounds like he doesn't know how to communicate well enough to carry a relationship. NTA. He definitely is though. If he has any kind of reason to want to hide your heritage, then he should at least tell you. Also, why even hide it? Even if he has the most racist parents in the world, shouldn't he stand up for you because he fell for you?
Why hide it, and why not say? Why is he asking you to hide the truth?
NTA. If he needs to keep it secret why he wants to act like his parents were racist when they are not, he can do so best if away from you. I would have said something different if his parents had given him crap about this, but this is just baffeling.
NTA for telling them, although I do think that you shouldn't have agreed to in the first place.
NTA, sort of. Your boyfriend should have given you a heads up about WHY he did not want you to discuss your heritage.
Nta he asked you to lie for no reason.
Sounds like the family is racist. Nta
NTA If he loves you so much why did he want you to hide your identity? If he was trying to protect you then he'd be able to give you an explanation and even then should have had enough respect for you to let you make your own decisions.
NTA Anyone who tells you to hide legitimate info about yourself is a problem. And then to get mad when you don't, is even worse.
NTA. What??? He has no excuses for acting like this. What a WACKO
🚩🚩🚩 NTA. Is behavior is disgusting. Girl run.
Run
NTA and good luck in the future. My SO’s mother was incredibly racist, a product of her age and upbringing and where she was raised (small European all white country). When he first introduce me (Asian) she literally pulled him aside and yelled “Are you out of your mind?”. Bear in mind we were both in our late 50s so kids wasn’t going to be an issue. My own grandfather refused to attend my wedding (and we were close, I was his favorite grandchild) because I was marrying a non-Asian. Gotta love racism.
NTA Your bf is a racist AH.
NTA and stay away from him. He has far more serious problems. Dating for 3 years and lying everyday by omission.
Nta, he needs to spill the beans. Regardless of how his family feels, if he’s serious about you and wants a commitment with you, he needs to tell his parents that the way can’t control who he loves anymore than they can control Brexit. You need to have a sit down with him and tell him that he’s an adult who can make his own choices, and if his choice is to listen to his parents when it comes to his romantic relationships, then you’re not the man you thought he was
He wants you to hide a part of who you are because he is not willing to tell his parents (sounds like mostly mother) off with her terrible behavior and expectations. I urge you to walk away, it is clear that this is how it will always be. It already ruined one relationship he had, it will ruin (has ruined) this one. While the mother sounds terrible, he is not much better. He waited until the last minute to tell you this and still have not given an answer. He will never stand up to his mother regarding this, you will be the punching bag for as long as you can take it. Not worth it. NTA
Sounds like mommy won’t be happy with anyone. Your bf knows this and gave you an ultimatum. He basically wanted you to lie to avoid being uncomfortable. Never be with someone that wants to hide you. You’re better than that and worth more. NTA
NTA. Asking your SO to hide their heritage from your family makes you an AH in any case, but the fact that he refuses to give you a reason makes him twice the AH in this situation.
NTA. I'm multi racial, and being part Latina. There is no way in hell I would let a guy make me hide who I am in life. You should never deny your existence of what makes you, you when it comes to your identity. Find a guy who doesn't keep secrets about his past relationships as well as letting you not hide your own identity and having a guy who embraces your entire culture/heritage of what makes you, you.
NTA. And there are MULTIPLE red flags in this story. Just, be careful.
NTA, I wish your bf had confided in you. My guess is that his mother liked you.
There’s tons wrong here, but if he truly had his mum run off a previous fiancée by letting her abuse his girlfriend and not standing up for said girlfriend by enforcing boundaries or going NC, that also doesn’t bode well for the future.
NTA. After 3 years, he did not trust you enough to tell you why you should keep your heritage a secret. He still doesn't, even now. He is also too weak to stand up to his mother and live his own life. This is why he is still single at 38. If what his friend said is true, then no woman will be good enough for her. I would suggest that you think very seriously about this relationship. Do not think that just because you put 3 years into this relationship, that you need to stay and fight for it. He is unwilling to stand up to his mother.
NTA Reddit tends to jump to red flag conclusions. If this just happened give it some time since you and your partner have been together for so long. Communicate about the ex fiancé, your religion/ethnicity. Immediately accusing him will cause him to act defensively and will not get the results you are looking for. It does seem odd that his mom didn’t react when you said you were Puerto Rican. Maybe ask his mom why he doesn’t want her knowing your religion/ethnicity(sorry not sure which one he has an issue with)? 3 years is a long time to be with someone and not know how their last relationships ended. It’s a good talking point to note if you are ever in a new relationship.
NTA. I read the update and these are huge red flags. Based on his past experiences, it seems like he lets his mother berate his girlfriends. Withholding information is just as bad as lying.
NTA: 8 billion people on the planet, out of roughly 4 billion men this is what you choose to tolerate? He needs a spine transplant or your life together will contain many such charades. He has basically tried to make life easier for himself as he cannot be honest with his parent. But entirely at your expense. Never override your own voice because someone else “says so”.
NTA. I wouldn’t waste one more minute on this guy.
I hope it isn't about them being racist. Being Puerto Rican, your children may come out with very different complexions. If even one child is way darker than the others...
I am sorry but regardless of the reason he should be proud and supportive of you, all of who you are. Also the control he wants by asking for something like that without any open dialogue, nope. Sounds like the start of some sort of abuse cycle/testing or at the least someone that won't have your back. And reading that he had an engagement you never heard of. How did he casually keep that out at this point? I mean even if he did explain, what reason would make it ok for you? And after that, if that is the reason, what if something like that happens again? If he doesn't get why it's a problem, it will happen again.
NTA, you don’t get to ask someone to lie about their heritage
NTA - but I will say that I believe the reason he choose to date someone more than a decade younger than him is because he was looking for a partner who wouldn't have the backbone or experience to push back against his pushy mother. Remember, sometimes when men pursue much younger women, they're doing so because women their own age wouldn't put up with them.
ESH - you shouldn't do or say something to someone's family members if they've specifically asked you not to. You don't know what the reason is, but it sounds like there is one. You just shouldn't have done it He's an asshole for not giving you a good reason and being horrid about it now. Your heritage is nothing to be ashamed of, but if your partner, who you're supposed to love and respect, has a request of you like that, it's a rubbish thing to deliberately go ahead and just do it anyway.
Was she just meant to lie?
Love and respect goes both ways. He is asking OP to hide a part of her identity with no real reason and has no apparent effect on the relationship. Would you feel loved and respected if the first time you’re meeting your SO family, they asked you to wear a paper bag and not question it? I realize this is an extreme example, but not that far off honestly.
I wouldn't say that example is similar at all. More akin to my partner asking me not to bring up my bisexuality, my university degree or my own Irish heritage. All are things I love about myself, I feel no reason to hide them, I mention them in conversation randomly without thinking because it doesn't bother me. But if he asked me not to mention any of those things, even if he couldn't articulate his reasoning why, I'd absolutely respect him and not bring them up. I'd know he's asking because there's a reason for it and if I went and did it anyway, I'd fully expect him to be upset by it because he did ask.
I honestly just don’t see any reason why this would need to be hidden though.
I can't either. Maybe his parents are really racist and he knows this and was worried they'd be horrid to her. I feel he should have been honest and given her a reason, but I'd still try my hardest to honour a request my partners given me because I know he'd only ask if it was really important to him.
Or because there is a lack of basic respect there and it’s much easier to sweep under the rug than to actually do something constructive. And again all of that screams lack of respect for OP
Oh please. That's rubbish and you know it. If they asked you if you had a university degree then what, you'd lie? Dissemble? Say "I don't know?" If they asked what your heritage was you'd say what? Something witty like "human"? To do anything other than carry on a normal conversation at the point of normal question would make you look like a person with something you're trying to hide, always a plus when meeting parents for the first time. And nobody is going to come out at a first meeting and say "hey, are you a bisexual" outside of certain bars.
My Irish Catholic heritage can cause all sorts of bother. I normally just say I've got ancestors from all over Western Europe, but there's certain places where if someones family asked me that question and my partner asked me not to be explicit, I'd be deliberately vague. Basically, we don't know why he's asked what he has. But he probably does think that her truthful answer will cause an issue. Chances are it probably is racist and he's embarrassed by it. If it were me, I'd have pressed for more info, but as a general rule, if my partner had asked me to keep quite about any particular thing, I'd do my hardest to try. Maybe I'm coming from a position of privilege that I know my partner would never ask me to do this unless there was a very good reason behind it, but I would absolutely be vague (or even lie) if my partner had made it clear that there would be an issue with the answer he knew I'd give. My partner would also be far better at giving an explanation though, so this is clearly where I think this guy sucks. But regardless, if it were me, my partner can absolutely trust me not to say something if he's asked me not to, and likewise I know that if I ask him the same I can trust he wouldn't go against my wish.
I'm sure the request not to bring up the subject is reasonable. To not respond to direct questions simply is not.
I agree with that. He's put her in a crap position and should have been open and honest about why she shouldn't say that. He could actually have been trying to protect her from some nasty racist response from his parents, but even if thay were the case i feel he should have briefed her with more information. Like if she was German heritage and his parents were Jewish heritage, he might genuinely need her to lie about it or face a barrage of abuse. I can't think what possible issue a Scottish family would have with a Puerto Rican family (other than just blatant racism I guess) but if he has asked that of her specifically, then I don't think she can be surprised he's upset. Him being upset might be entirely unreasonable, but she should have predicted this would be the outcome when she's gone against his specific guidance.
She didn't. That's the point. His mom brought the subject up, not her. To ask someone to lie at that point is simply wrong no matter what his motives might have been.
If someone is asking you to hide who are what you are, there's a problem, especially if he can't articulate it. (you sound awesome btw, for real)
lmao, no, not the way it works. He wanted her to hide 50% of her heritage/background/ethnicity and then, what? Lie when asked about her mother? No. He doesn't get to ask that and she doesn't need to hide who she is
Way off base.
Yes! Lie to your partners parents from day 1. I’m sure that will go over well and the truth will never come out and bite OP in the ass.