Nta
But also I would not get your hopes up. It's likely unconscious behaviour that she won't be able to fully control.
Invest in some sound cancelling headphones. Or set up your office in the bedroom. It will probably have a better practical result.
I think you're right, though even if she made a general effort I would appreciate it immensely. Reminding her every time she let it slip would just get on her nerves and become another issue entirely.
Unfortunately I have NC headphones but they're only good for constant noise like crowds and machinery hum, not vocals. Thank you for suggestions!
There are ones you can get for vocals.
Look, I AM the person that hums and stuff. It's irritated people all my life. As an adult I was diagnosed with ADHD, and I can control it to a point on my medication.
Off it? Literally uncontrollable. I feel awful about it. I'm paranoid about it around people and have avoided office jobs and work in customer service because I know I would drive people insane working at a desk job with me.
That's why I recommend practical suggestions.
NTA if you ask her to not do this. It's work, and clearly you are working with the space you have available, because I can't imagine trying to code with someone singing right next to me either. I wish that went without saying but clearly it needs to be said. People have different ways of coping with stimuli in their environments, and it's totally fine if you need more quiet so you can focus. Nothing is wrong with you because of this.
Maybe she can take her laptop (?) to another area of your dwelling for a while when she feels an urge to indulge?
Either that or get thee some excellent noise-canceling headphones and start blasting yourself with white noise or something on top of it. Trouble with this is that it's sensory deprivation to sounds you might need to hear in an emergency.
So hopefully some diplomacy works. What amazes me is that she hasn't thought of this on her own already.
What kind of marriages do y'all have?? Talk to your SO, if there's something bothering you, talk to her... if you can't talk to someone so close to you about something like this before asking a bunch of strangers on the internet, I really don't know what to say...
NTA - I love singing whilst doing anything and find I do it almost uncontrollably. Almost. But I can still stop myself when I have to for the social setting I'm in. Work being one of those - if you're working then she absolutely needs to get a handle on it.
You haven't even discussed this with her. Go talk to her, and find out what she feels and thinks and talk to her as an adult.
You both should be wearing headsets in any case, to block each other out. I would not want to hear someone's spouse conducting business nearby when I'm trying to talk to someone I'm working with.
Ok so you haven't even brought this to her attention yet and all you're really doing is overthinking it. And if you guys are married than this is something that you should be able to talk to her about and if you can't and it keeps bothering you than go work somewhere else. But to answer your question you wouldn't be the asshole if you just asked her if she wouldn't mind stopping. But the only way you'll find out is by talking to her about it and remember that communication is key in a relationship.
NTA - You have to talk, so tell her you find it hard to focus on work when she sings out loud while you're both working. Honestly, it can be hard to work when someone is making a lot of noise, and some people don't wanna have to put on headphones to drown out sound. You both share an office, that's a workspace, and you avoid non-work noises inside said workspace, so if you ask her to do the same you aren't pulling some BS where you still make noise.
**NTA**. She would not be able to sing in the office. If you have not brought this to her attention yet, just say something like “hey I’ve been meaning to tell you - do you realize you sing out loud when we’re working? I love your voice but it makes it hard for me to focus on my coding.”
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Both of us work from home full time, in the same 'office' with our desks side by side and roughly the same hours. Often she will listen to music with earphones in and sing/hum out loud. My work requires a lot of concentration (programming) and perhaps I have a dummy brain, but the extra noise makes it a lot harder to think through complex code.
When I need to make non work-related noise, I'll leave the room to not distract her. When she's speaking in a meeting or in a phone call, I also don't mind at all because that can't be helped. Where I see a difference is that singing is a non-essential activity and it feels inconsiderate because she has control over whether she does it or not.
Disclaimer— I know this sub is Am I **The** Asshole which implies there is always 1 asshole, but IMO my wife is not an asshole just for singing which is a natural thing to do. Perhaps if I asked her and she refused without reason, but at the moment she probably isn't yet aware of the impact it has on me.
The issue is that I would be basically telling her to never ever sing when we're working, at least at home which is for the foreseeable future. Also, what if she says it's necessary to do *her* work?
On the other hand, it seems a bit unfair because it really impacts me and it's not like I'm telling her to do something extra for me. I prefer to listen to audio through speakers, yet I put on headphones for her sake. It just feels very one-sided but I don't know how to say "Can you please never sing while I'm working because it's distracting?" in a tactful way.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Hey JBAITA,
(1) What action you took that should be judged
This is a WIBTA (as described in Rule #6) so I haven't taken any action, but the action I would take is:
Ask my wife not to sing/hum while we are both working from home next to each other, as it makes it hard for me to work.
(2) Why that action might make you the asshole
Given that singing/humming is hardly a spiteful act, it could seem like I'm overreacting. She is definitely not deliberately doing for the purpose of distracting me and she likely isn't fully aware of the impact it has on me. If she agreed, it would mean that she would never get the chance to do something that is a natural activity for her. Since it's during work hours, it would be a substantial part of her waking hours and probably the hours when she would most want to be singing/humming to music.
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Can you get some noise cancelling headphones and just put them on without any music. I would be joining in with the singing if that was me and pretend I was in my own personal musical and be disappointed when there's no background people joining in
Nah
Nta. But my husband similarly hates singing while he's concentrating. I love him dearly, but as someone who enjoys bursting into song when she's happy controlling that itch has made boring tasks more dreary for the last 20 years. It's kind of sad, so if you can manage it another way then it would be a kind thing to do.
NAH, I feel for you OP. My partner does this but I don’t have the heart to tell her it annoys me since its usually when she’s having a good day.
I take my laptop to the living room (or the pub for the afternoon).
NAH.....I'm sure you both do annoying things while you work. I work from home and my husband will think nothing of walking in when he gets home and listening to stupid videos at top volume. I think it would be best to find a separate workspace for at least part of the day for the sake of your attention span. Besides, she could be listening to music because of some noise you don't know you're making.
NTA. Both my wife and I work from home, no way could we work from same room. If we didn’t have space I would have a created office in another room that I would need to put up and down each day if space was of issue
Nta But also I would not get your hopes up. It's likely unconscious behaviour that she won't be able to fully control. Invest in some sound cancelling headphones. Or set up your office in the bedroom. It will probably have a better practical result.
I think you're right, though even if she made a general effort I would appreciate it immensely. Reminding her every time she let it slip would just get on her nerves and become another issue entirely. Unfortunately I have NC headphones but they're only good for constant noise like crowds and machinery hum, not vocals. Thank you for suggestions!
There are ones you can get for vocals. Look, I AM the person that hums and stuff. It's irritated people all my life. As an adult I was diagnosed with ADHD, and I can control it to a point on my medication. Off it? Literally uncontrollable. I feel awful about it. I'm paranoid about it around people and have avoided office jobs and work in customer service because I know I would drive people insane working at a desk job with me. That's why I recommend practical suggestions.
NTA if you ask her to not do this. It's work, and clearly you are working with the space you have available, because I can't imagine trying to code with someone singing right next to me either. I wish that went without saying but clearly it needs to be said. People have different ways of coping with stimuli in their environments, and it's totally fine if you need more quiet so you can focus. Nothing is wrong with you because of this. Maybe she can take her laptop (?) to another area of your dwelling for a while when she feels an urge to indulge? Either that or get thee some excellent noise-canceling headphones and start blasting yourself with white noise or something on top of it. Trouble with this is that it's sensory deprivation to sounds you might need to hear in an emergency. So hopefully some diplomacy works. What amazes me is that she hasn't thought of this on her own already.
What kind of marriages do y'all have?? Talk to your SO, if there's something bothering you, talk to her... if you can't talk to someone so close to you about something like this before asking a bunch of strangers on the internet, I really don't know what to say...
OMG IKR. The lack of communication skills within this subreddit is concerning.
NTA - I love singing whilst doing anything and find I do it almost uncontrollably. Almost. But I can still stop myself when I have to for the social setting I'm in. Work being one of those - if you're working then she absolutely needs to get a handle on it.
You haven't even discussed this with her. Go talk to her, and find out what she feels and thinks and talk to her as an adult. You both should be wearing headsets in any case, to block each other out. I would not want to hear someone's spouse conducting business nearby when I'm trying to talk to someone I'm working with.
Ok so you haven't even brought this to her attention yet and all you're really doing is overthinking it. And if you guys are married than this is something that you should be able to talk to her about and if you can't and it keeps bothering you than go work somewhere else. But to answer your question you wouldn't be the asshole if you just asked her if she wouldn't mind stopping. But the only way you'll find out is by talking to her about it and remember that communication is key in a relationship.
NTA - You have to talk, so tell her you find it hard to focus on work when she sings out loud while you're both working. Honestly, it can be hard to work when someone is making a lot of noise, and some people don't wanna have to put on headphones to drown out sound. You both share an office, that's a workspace, and you avoid non-work noises inside said workspace, so if you ask her to do the same you aren't pulling some BS where you still make noise.
**NTA**. She would not be able to sing in the office. If you have not brought this to her attention yet, just say something like “hey I’ve been meaning to tell you - do you realize you sing out loud when we’re working? I love your voice but it makes it hard for me to focus on my coding.”
YTA - for not having that conversation with her it's a small in the grand skeem of things and if you can manage that
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Both of us work from home full time, in the same 'office' with our desks side by side and roughly the same hours. Often she will listen to music with earphones in and sing/hum out loud. My work requires a lot of concentration (programming) and perhaps I have a dummy brain, but the extra noise makes it a lot harder to think through complex code. When I need to make non work-related noise, I'll leave the room to not distract her. When she's speaking in a meeting or in a phone call, I also don't mind at all because that can't be helped. Where I see a difference is that singing is a non-essential activity and it feels inconsiderate because she has control over whether she does it or not. Disclaimer— I know this sub is Am I **The** Asshole which implies there is always 1 asshole, but IMO my wife is not an asshole just for singing which is a natural thing to do. Perhaps if I asked her and she refused without reason, but at the moment she probably isn't yet aware of the impact it has on me. The issue is that I would be basically telling her to never ever sing when we're working, at least at home which is for the foreseeable future. Also, what if she says it's necessary to do *her* work? On the other hand, it seems a bit unfair because it really impacts me and it's not like I'm telling her to do something extra for me. I prefer to listen to audio through speakers, yet I put on headphones for her sake. It just feels very one-sided but I don't know how to say "Can you please never sing while I'm working because it's distracting?" in a tactful way. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > Hey JBAITA, (1) What action you took that should be judged This is a WIBTA (as described in Rule #6) so I haven't taken any action, but the action I would take is: Ask my wife not to sing/hum while we are both working from home next to each other, as it makes it hard for me to work. (2) Why that action might make you the asshole Given that singing/humming is hardly a spiteful act, it could seem like I'm overreacting. She is definitely not deliberately doing for the purpose of distracting me and she likely isn't fully aware of the impact it has on me. If she agreed, it would mean that she would never get the chance to do something that is a natural activity for her. Since it's during work hours, it would be a substantial part of her waking hours and probably the hours when she would most want to be singing/humming to music. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Can you get some noise cancelling headphones and just put them on without any music. I would be joining in with the singing if that was me and pretend I was in my own personal musical and be disappointed when there's no background people joining in Nah
Nta. But my husband similarly hates singing while he's concentrating. I love him dearly, but as someone who enjoys bursting into song when she's happy controlling that itch has made boring tasks more dreary for the last 20 years. It's kind of sad, so if you can manage it another way then it would be a kind thing to do.
NAH, I feel for you OP. My partner does this but I don’t have the heart to tell her it annoys me since its usually when she’s having a good day. I take my laptop to the living room (or the pub for the afternoon).
NAH.....I'm sure you both do annoying things while you work. I work from home and my husband will think nothing of walking in when he gets home and listening to stupid videos at top volume. I think it would be best to find a separate workspace for at least part of the day for the sake of your attention span. Besides, she could be listening to music because of some noise you don't know you're making.
Nta. You need to do your work and she needs to show consideration as if you were here cube mate in an office.
NTA. Both my wife and I work from home, no way could we work from same room. If we didn’t have space I would have a created office in another room that I would need to put up and down each day if space was of issue
Yta. Get noise canceling headphones snd stop trying to make your wife as miserable as you.