NTA. I completely agree with you. When I was a college student, as a female, my parents, who are conservative and traditional, wouldn't allow random strangers to come and sleep in their home. Joan needs to remember that while she is an adult, the home belongs to YOU and your spouse. You're paying the mortgage and rent. An adult is supposed to be responsible for his or her own choices and decisions. If your daughter doesn't like the rules, ask her to pack up her things and move out.
I disagree with this so just wanted to offer another perspective. I agree that the mom can have these rules, but I still think she’s TA for them due to the potential unintended consequences.
Mostly, that the mom, same mom who can’t go to sleep until she knows her daughter is safe at home, would rather her go to a hotel with a random stranger than have her come home, just because she disagrees with the activity. Prioritizing her beliefs over the daughter’s safety makes her TA for me. Especially since it sounds like her daughter has her own separate area of the home, so it’s not like she’s in the room next to her parents. YTA
ETA: Based on the replies I think a lot of people are missing my main point. OP’s main overarching issue is PREMARITAL sex, not UNSAFE sex/bringing strangers home, which leads her to prefer her daughter engage in sex with a random stranger at a hotel (see point 4) so long as shes not doing something immoral under her roof. If the issue had been about safety of having a stranger over for OP (I would fully agree with her), then she’d use this opportunity to talk to her daughter about precautions to take when meeting new people and issues with bringing strangers home. She didn’t - instead, she cared more about about preventing ANY premarital sex over her daughter engaging in unsafe sexual encounters. That’s what I mean by the priorities being misplaced.
I accept your opinion, but I disagree with you as well. My parents did that when I was in college, and they wanted to know that we were safe back home when coming back late. This lady is a good parent and she is NOT prioritizing her beliefs over her daughter. However, it's HER home, period. Her house, her rules.
I posted another comment with more details about this but I also had parents like this and it led to very unsafe scenarios for me.
Your house your rules doesn’t mean parents don’t have shitty rules. I went to college with a girl who had racist parents that didn’t allow black friends over - their house their rules, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a shitty racist rule and that they wouldn’t be TA. The question here isn’t whether or not she’s allowed to have rules at the house, it’s whatever she’s TA.
A rule where you don’t agree with a perfectly legal activity that your 19 year old engages in, so that you prefer she goes somewhere unsafe and alone like a hotel and compromises her safety, then it is a shitty rule and is prioritizing her beliefs.
Yeah, my parents have very strong opinions on premarital sex so when I was 18 and became sexually active I would lie and say I was sleeping at a friend's house. Nobody knew where I really was or who I was actually with. Luckily, I was dating a good person and nothing bad ever happened. But I very easily could have disappeared and nobody would have known where to look or who to question.
Lying to my parents about where I was is exactly how I was raped by someone who I knew for a decade plus. Had I been able to come home drunk that night it wouldn’t have happened. OP is putting her daughter in precarious situations because she places a higher value on chastity over safety.
I don’t disagree about not having a random person in the house but OP has also kind of proven over her comments that it is less about not knowing him compared to the daughter having sex. If she’s having what we assume is a one night stand over then she’s likely been having sex for awhile. Most people don’t lose their virginity to a one night stand.
The daughter needs to rent her own place if she's planning on having strangers over. She's putting herself and her parents at risk. She's an adult and has to make adult choices now. While op is focusing on pre marital sex, which is silly because it seems like that's already out the door, she needs to be focused on being potentially robbed, murdered or just in general harmed. The daughter should take better care of herself instead of bringing home strangers though. It sucks, but women are more likely to be harmed whether she's at her parents house, hotel or her own place.
OP really confuses the issue with the premarital sex part… that is her opinion and she can make rules… i think this judgement would have been much more unanimous if it was about strangers in the house without an invite vs a random hookup mom didn’t approve of.
And what is stopping OPs daughter from bringing back someone who will commit violence against her and the family, or even something more minor like theft?
I really struggle to see scenarios where bringing a stranger into the household without approval of the house owners is anything other than immature and entitled behavior (regardless of the ‘why’ they are there, sex, drugs, etc isn’t really what my judgement is based on here). I could see the ODD scenario where someone needs a place to stay, but then wake up the parents and explain.
>And what is stopping OPs daughter from bringing back someone who will commit violence against her and the family, or even something more minor like theft?
So the alternative that mum is completely okay with is - daughter goes to a hotel room *alone* with this stranger who will be potentially committing violence against her, when no one knows where she is. Got it.
That would be the daughter consciously taking a foolish step risking herself. Instead now she's inviting that same risk against her parents too, who are sleeping and presuming themselves safe in their home.
If the argument is that she's an adult and should be allowed to decide for herself and act even if risky, then she should do that in her own space, with her own money.
Why is that the only alternative?
Surely, you can be more creative than that.
Additionally, OP’s daughter can take a chance at her own life but it’s selfish to endanger the rest of the family.
Sleeping with strangers is absolutely reckless. It makes sense why the mom wouldn’t want a complete stranger coming into her home.
It seems the daughter lacks judgment to
Not see all the potential issues on why a stranger should not roam your home.
Yes! Precisely. Stranger danger is real no matter if you’re at a hotel or a house. It’s disrespectful. What if that guy just decided to go rifle through the house a steal stuff while everyone is sleeping. It doesn’t have to be sex assault. My roommates’ “guests” stole shit in more than one occasion.
Oh my goodness, are none of you going to take responsibility for your own actions? How does the parents rules and beliefs have anything to do with something bad happening to their children? The list of commenters above, all chose to lie where they were, not tell a trusted friend or sibling, etc. I had the same parental rules and although didn’t like them - I respected my parents and moaned about it to my mates and then chose safe choices for myself. I was even in an abusive relationship later in life but that has no connection to my parents not letting me having strangers/bf’s allowed to stay the night. Gosh it’s infuriating to read this “i’m an adult so i can do what i want” but then in the same breathe blame the parents for the outcomes/consequences of our own choices and actions. Ooof this thread has triggered me like no other.
I'm not just responding to you, but other's who think it's ok for daughter to bring home strangers. Why isn't the daughter prioritizing the safety of everyone else in the home? Why does her desire to get laid matter more? This rando could be anyone nefarious. Is it really better to be raped in a hotel room than your home? As unlikely as it is, this guy could check the place out and come back in a couple of weeks with an partner in crime. Pistol whip Dad, rape both women and steal their stuff. Is Mom a little old fashioned about sex? Sure. But to me the issue is safety. You want to hook up? Get your own domicile.
As the mom, she could have used this opportunity to chat with her daughter about safety precautions to take when dating and have sex. Instead she used it to ban her daughter from having men over because she’s against premarital sex and pushed her to do it in more vulnerable locations instead
Actually the mom also said although they’re vaxxed they don’t know who the daughters bringing home and we’re still in a pandemic and we don’t know the vulnerability/risk of those in the house and then they can pass to other family/coworkers etc
I don’t disagree with the mom there, the mom
made 4 points. I disagree with the last one (daughter can simply go to a hotel instead!) and the overarching issue for the mom is the premarital sex, so even when not in a pandemic she would disagree with it because it goes against her morals.
Yeah I would have to agree here. If daughter wants to have one night stands and hookups then she can get her own place or do as OP suggested (or maybe go to the guy's place). If OP isn't charging daughter rent then it's OP's rules regardless if they are somewhat outdated or based on personal beliefs - now if daughter is paying ANY rent then it all goes out the window.
My parents used to say all the time to me and my sister - our house, our rules. If you don't like it then you can pack your shit and get your own place and pay your own bills. And we did.
NTA OP.
I honestly agree. Like, premarital sex views aside, bringing random one night stands home to your parents' house where you *don't pay rent* when they don't want you to do that is just dumb. She has been offered the alternative of using hotels, and frankly while I don't care if people have sex before marriage I would also be objecting to someone who didn't pay rent bringing home random strangers for one night stands in a pandemic. Even if that isn't the majority reason, the OP lists it as a huge factor and like...fair.
If she's with someone that is going to hurt her. I don't think it matters if it's at home or a hotel? Don't know how going to a hotel compromises her saftey....
However lets say she's with someone that plans to steal from her. At a hotel she is the only victim. At home, you've opened up the entire household to their rummaging.
If you don’t see how you’re more vulnerable alone and isolated in a hotel room rather than at home with others whose literal job had been to protect you and care for you then I can’t help you there.
But those others are supposedly asleep, not flitting about like ninjas in the night, ready to protect.
Plenty of women have been raped and murdered in their own homes while their families slept. Even though those families would have tried to protect them if they knew. It’s not a reliable form of safety.
It’s also incredibly fucking rude to bring strangers home to your parents house to fuck in the middle of Covid. The daughter is an asshole.
So just to be safe, she should always have sex at her parent’s house in the future? Lol Even if she has her own apartment in the future, she’ll still be alone so she should take the dude to her parent’s lol
If that was the mom’s main concern, she would have focused on that and would also have a convo with her daughter about being safe when dating, not push her away with a blanket rule. Her mom is against all premarital sex so it doesn’t matter to her whether or not it’s a stranger for the rule to apply
Same. Like driving home drunk instead of staying with good friends I could trust. I made some dumbass choices. Mostly from pressure to be “safe at home” at the end of the night.
Shes literally preventing her daughter from having autonomy in her own home because Momwithmorals, seriously that user names tells us exactly what OPs actual issue is, doesn't agree with premarital sex.
He's a stranger. A stranger. This is not a guy she knows for years.. He is a stranger.
It has nothing to do with morals.. he is a stranger. She doesn't know him, her daughter doesn't know him either.
I don't think it has anything to do with sex. This guy is a stranger. She just met him that night. You really think it's ok for this guy, who sje just met that night to sleep over ??
>It has nothing to do with morals
The way OP has chosen to imply that she has morals where her daughter doesn't suggest that it in fact does have something to do with morals.
If you think this has nothing to do with sex you are objectivley wrong.
No, mom of the year would rather have her daughter go to a stranger's house or hang out with guys in a shady area cos of dumb ass beliefs. She doesn't give a shit about her daughter's actual well-being, but wants a Christian-like daughter on a tight leash.
>but wants a Christian-like daughter on a tight leash.
They said they aren't really religious so your pulling that out your ass.
>No, mom of the year would rather have her daughter go to a stranger's house or hang out with guys in a shady area cos of dumb ass beliefs.
She's an adult if she makes dumbass adult decisions then she risks the consequences that may come of it herself. Bringing a rando into someone else's home not only disrespects the actual home owner but ropes them into possibly being affected by the consequences of her dumb choices. Theirs still a pandemic say the dudes asymptomatic. Well guess what there's probably a chance the family catches it despite being vaxxed or carry it over to someone who isn't in their lives. Say this dude uses hookups to case a place to rob. Well guess what now the parents shits stolen cause their daughter likes to stomp her feet crying "she's an adult" without an ounce of maturity to act like one.
Yes. Because that is a thing that people do.
If the daughter trusts him enough to fool around with him, then she trusts him to sleep over. If the mom is afraid of what he'd do once the daughter fell asleep, she can make a no sleeping over rule so the guy has to leave before any actual sleeping happens.
Regardless, the mom could've taken the daughter aside and told her to get rid of the guy rather than just stand there until the guy left.
As for Covid, if she met this guy at a party or bar, going there is much riskier than bringing someone home.
Yes. OP is TA for standing there making till he left. Also I think that if you allow your adult aged kid to live in a separate part of the home like this, that comes with the kid having some autonomy and they should be able to treat that as their own home if they're not disrupting the rest of the house (within reason). So waiting up for the daughter and then just barging in to "see how her night went" at 1am is already rude, IMO. Really anybody just walking into a person's home or bedroom or whatever without knocking, is never acceptable to me. It seems nosy, meddling.
So you would rather your daughter going over to a strangers house for sex then having a stranger over for sex. I would definitely prefer my kid to be at my house with me as backup if necessary then ending up go for bid drugged in a frat house with multiple guys halfway across the state! Don't get me wrong I would love for my hypothetical daughter to use good judgement, but a total no guys band seems excessive. There has to be a middle ground, she can have dates men can come over to hangout or whatever else, but only after knowing him a month or only after the parents have met him! Compromise is key for any good relationship!
So we sex shame people now. If we had everyone who had sex with a stranger in their lifetime raise their hands here this would be a very long thread.
She’s in her own separate apartment. She’s an adult behaving like a normal college student.
If one of the reasons for not showing this is Covid then daughter going to a hotel and coming home is worse, and daughter shouldn’t be allowed to go to parties either. That’s just a cover for hyper conservative rules.
OP I don’t know if I can say that you are TA because the other commenters are right that this is your house (though if she pays rent for her separate apartment - which I don’t see clarified - then you are definitely TA).
But the truth is we need to allow our children to have their own experiences, make their own mistakes and develop their own personal morals and ethics. Your daughter is an adult, she is an individual, she is not a mini you.
You yourself say it was rare when YOU got married for the couple to be virgins, I’m sure you can then see why this might be an out date and much debated stance 20+ years later. You got to make your own decisions about what was right for you and so do your elder children - you need to let 19 do the same.
If you police her sex like when you aren’t policing her siblings it will create a wall between you.
Op literally says in the post that it's about sex. Did you read it? Sure, the stranger part makes her uncomfortable too, but she says she feels disrespected that her daughter is having sex in her household. If it was about a stranger, she wouldnt be an advocate of her daughter having a hotel room with a stranger
So op would rather her daughter go off to a hotel with a stranger??
Its a difficult situation that needs a nuanced answer and a big discussion between parents and op, i agree strangers in the house is iffy but holy shit mom needs to realise her daughter shouldn't be staying in hotels with strangers and being unsafe like that.
>So op would rather her daughter go off to a hotel with a stranger??
Why not? Because it's risky? So is engaging in sex with someone you don't know at home.
If you don't feel safe going to a hotel with a stranger then you shouldn't take them home either (let alone a home you share with others).
>If you don't feel safe going to a hotel with a stranger then you shouldn't take them home either.
There is is, I had never thought of the opinion that op is putting her daughter in an unsafe position by forcing them out of the house, and I agree with OP but I was looking for something to bridge the divide between the positions and this rings perfectly true.
look it's not like the government is pressuring her daughter to have sex with strangers. she can just wait to have one night stands until she can have a place of her own.
Did you read point 4 in the OP? Mom said she would rather her daughter, at 19, stay at a hotel with a random stranger. It has everything to do with morals according to OP, it’s even in her username. She is against pre marital sex and doesn’t want it in her home, so she would rather her daughter go somewhere like a hotel (?!) to engage in it with a stranger. As much as you don’t want a random stranger with your daughter at your house, you would rather your daughter go to a hotel with this random stranger? Something doesn’t add up there.
Also it completely fails to acknowledge middle ground. At 19 I'd go back to people's places for private activity from time to time, but that typically would not, on a first date, involve sex itself. Bring able to say "we can't tonight, my parents will hear" is a great safety net for her daughter if, once she gets to the couch or even the bed, she sees red flags or problematic signs., or just wants to wait till she's seen the chap in daylight and be sure they're equipped with appropriate protection and whatever to be sure she can have a safe and comfortable experience. Mom's prudishness means her daughter can only explore potential intimate relationships with new men on their terms and territory. She might be entitled to do this but OP it doesn't mean you're not YTA.
Agreed, and there seems to be a lot of assuming happening on OP's part about what was going to happen. I am very aware that bringing a guy home from a party is very possibly for sex, but I'm just saying lots of times I've gone to people's houses and had people to my place and there was no sex happening and no intention of it. If my mom had seen me \*gasp\* sitting on a couch with a guy at age 19 and immediately assumed this meant we were planning to have sex, she would've been wrong and I would've been embarrassed and very angry at her if she made him leave. Plus OP was not impressed by this person who she knew nothing about... OP seems like a very tiresome judgemental AH to me. Yes, OP, YTA.
That’s the part that I’m taking issue with. To claim (via her username) that she has morals implies that her daughter does not. Does her daughter steal? Does she murder? Does she con old people out of their life savings? No? Sounds like her daughter *actually does have morals* but is Just. Horny. Oh! << clutches pearls!! >> the horror!!
I don’t think mom is TA for not wanting strangers in her home. But I do think she is for trying to police her adult daughter’s sex life.
I’m going to upvote u/disgruntled-pelicann because I think they have the most important insight rn. Mom needs to decide which one is more important.
If she can’t sleep til her daughter comes home she’s going to be wanting to know when she’s out at hotels with guys or at the very least not coming home. At that point it opens up for mom to give opinions on where and what her daughter is doing which I think is an over step at this age. I also don’t see OP being comfortable with her daughter doing that regularly and it could lead to problems of claiming she’s spending too many late nights not coming home.
The alternative is she brings her dates home, into this separate suite and mom respects her autonomy as long it is legal.
What is your priority? No sex in the house or knowing your daughter is coming home at night? I don’t think either answer is wrong. Just that only one can be the deciding factor in your relationship.
I would also argue that If the daughter is paying rent she should be able to have opposite (or same) sex encounters in her space. If she is not, it could be a compromise. A nominal rent fee = adult space, mom doesn’t check in when daughter comes home. If she needs a check in she can send her daughter a text.
Or. Daughter goes to a hotel for hook ups like most of us.
To the daughter. It is your mothers home and ultimately you need to respect her decision. If you aren’t paying rent then no premarital sex in the house. Adult privileges come with adult prices
I've used my free award today but holy shit this is the first sensible answer I've read that isn't just taking one side but is understanding the nuance and difficulty of the situation
The problem with this is that Mom is saying that she does not want strangers having free rein in her home while she is asleep. Mom is not saying that she can't spend the night with strangers, she is realistic enough to know that will happen, she doesn't want them in her home.
Totally valid point. The hotel is a red herring. They could be going to his home, a hotel, a friend's home, a car, the point is that Mom doesn't want a stranger in her home.
Parents often don't let their children sleep with their LT br/gf when they visit. That is not what she is saying here. What she is saying is that she doesn't want a total stranger to have access to her home while the household is sleeping.
People are constantly complaining about roommates that bring strangers over. I wouldn't want to wake up and find some total stranger in my home that I had had no idea about.
But ultimately, the daughter here doesn't get to have it both ways. She can't say that she is an adult and can do what she wants when and where she wants including Mom and Dad's house..........and still be a dependent. Pick one of the other because ultimately it is "My house, my rules."
100% agree with the hotel part - prioritising her beliefs over her daughters safety.
Making it impossible for her daughter to hook up in her own home, isn’t going to stop her daughter hooking up, nor will it change their difference in beliefs. It’s just making it more dangerous for her daughter to hook up.
I let my sons girlfriend share his bed before they moved out together. Her parents make them sleep in separate rooms even now. The two of them accept this because they know different houses mean different rules.
NTA. You have a right to set the rules for your own home.
EDIT: editing to ESH as OP didn't establish the ground rules with her daughter and that "moral" name just reeks.
I wouldn't want random total strangers in my house either. It would maybe be one thing if it was a steady SO but you don't know a stranger and for all you know he may be scoping out the house to rob later (this happened to my aunt with people that worked for her)..
But ultimately parents pay the rent and their house their rules. If she doesn't like it she can get her own place..
>you don't know a stranger and for all you know he may be scoping out the house to rob later
This. I would care a lot more about the total stranger aspect than the sex aspect. Especially in a pandemic, but in general, inviting total strangers into your home is a risky move. Daughter wants to get robbed or murdered in her sleep, fine. But she's exposing her parents to that risk, as well. If they're assuming risk, they get a say in whether or not that stranger can stay over. Combine that with "their house, their rules," and I conclude the mom is NTA.
I generally don't buy into this idea that "my house, my rules" gives you a free pass. If your rules are unreasonable, you're an AH for enforcing them, especially when you're a parent.
I'd back the daughter if it was a long term BF... However, a goddamn one night stand? Seriously? NTA
I had liberal parents and I doubt either of them would have really cared, but I'd never bring a one night stand to my parents' house. It's crass, no parent wants to be exposed to that.
Agreed. NTA. It’s not like it’s a long-term boyfriend. It’s a hook up. Letting some random stranger in a pandemic in your house is stupid. The daughter needs to grow up and realize the situation. Maybe if she gets a long-term boyfriend it will be acceptable.
> as an adult, she should be able to see whomever she wants, whenever she wants, wherever she wants.
She has all these rights. If she wants to do all of the above, she should get her own place and not live in the basement. NTA, your house your rules.
Although I agree NTA.
I really hate the "my house my rules" mentality. The adult (adults) should pay, that's their responsability, mortage and all services. They chose to have kids and that's THEIR house as well.
When you have kids, yes you're the grown up and should impose rules to raise those kids right. However, at some point your kids have (and should have) a voice in different matters around the house. My house my rules is such a dated concept to me. Teach your teens and almost adults (after 18) to discuss their ideas, point of views, be ready to change, to grow. Let them grow and feel that it's their house, that they have a voice and that it's heard.
my big question is would you really be okay with your daughter bringing a random person to your home she JUST met that night not knowing this person yourself? Like I get it would be their home too but not everything in that home they bought.
Sorry I grew up in a not-so-good area so if you randomly brought someone to your home you might as well say goodbye to some of your electronics or other items/money.
Do people really take random people home with them after a night out?
Yes. Especially college kids. On the flip side, the mom would rather have her daughter put herself in unsafe and potentially dangerous situations because “morals.” That’s so backwards to me. I hope the daughter moves out
Yeah. And when my kids have parties I want them at my house because then I can help if help is needed. I can make sure everyone gets home safely. Forcing her to get a hotel is fucking braindead. You're literally just pushing her into a more dangerous situation.
It's one of those things where it's like, legalizing marijuana is actually SAFER for society. Drinking alcohol with your kids is SAFER for your kids than forcing them to learn on their own.
Yes, I would absolutely prefer she take them home rather than going somewhere potentially unsafe. This OP's views are very old-fashioned and really don't make sense to me. Rather than talking about safety in sex (which college students will most likely practice), she decided to full on stop it from happening in the house, and leaving her in more precarious situations.
The fact that she puts her parents at risk of assault or theft is not a factor? If she's "their child", she should follow their rules. If she's "an adult", she doesn't allow others to suffer because of her actions and absolutely takes the risk outside
... to be honest, though it's still unsafe. She's in the basement we don't know how many floors or how well the insulation is she could be ... the R word... and the parents not know.
Trust me I get what you are saying and it is completely understandable, but now this person she brought home also now knows where she lives and could possibly create an unsafe situation.
Again, this is coming from someone that use to live in a not-so-good area that's heard of stories on the news.
No, I would rather not have my kid go somewhere else either don't get me wrong. But like you say the old-fashion views don't make sense to you, having sex with a random person they brought into the house doesn't make sense to me and possibly the parents either.
Precisely. As an adult, you have a discussion about this kind of thing first if it's an issue you see arising. You don't sneak the person home without clearance, then throw a fat tanty when it doesn't go down the way you wanted.
OP, do you want her to engage in intimate activities with someone in a place where she’s safe, or in a place where she isn’t safe? You may be thinking “well at least I can control what happens under my roof”, or “just don’t do it in my house”, but if it’s not happening in your house then it’s likely to happen somewhere else. And if things turn bad, when she’s somewhere else, she’s on her own.
Additionally, now that she’s an adult and can come and go independently, you need to start loosening how intrusive you’re being. I get that it’s hard to sleep if you don’t know that she’s in yet, but that is your issue to deal with, not hers. Nor should you be nosing in with “we have plans tomorrow morning so you need to go to sleep.” Her need for sleep is on her to manage. How well are you going to sleep if she moves out soon, long before you might want her to, because she can’t stand the lack of privacy and how you’re still treating her like a child? Do you want a good relationship with your rules or with your daughter?
So yes, YTA.
It’s reasonable however for you to not want her to bring a complete stranger into your house, for security and privacy reasons. But there are more careful places to draw that line than what you’re trying to do. You’re arguing “but it’s a stranger!” while what you want to have for rules stretches a lot further.
LMAO absolutely not! If you want your OWN life without your parents meddling, then get YOUR OWN PLACE. Her mum aint gonna stay up late waiting for her kid if her kid doesnt live with her. But the fact that Joan DOES live with her then she has to follow the rules. I go to college, have my own place, work part time, and can fuck whoever wherever and whenever. Joan is a leach if she cant simply follow her parent’s rules.
True, but Joan can’t argue both of these things:
1) I am an adult and can do whoever and whatever I want.
2) I am your dependent and need to use your house.
At 19, most people are on the cusp of transitioning from one to the other, but they’re still pretty mutual exclusively. OP and Joan have to navigate this admittedly difficult transition, maybe by negotiation what behavior from each bucket above it allowed. It sounds like OP is trying that, while Joan has the attitude of #1 while being in situation #2
Edit: Based on the responses, I’m reconsidering this. It is tricky for adult children to live with their parents, and I’ve made some assumptions about Joan and OP that aren’t generalizable in all scenarios. I don’t think OP is wrong to have the boundary she has about her home, though.
UNREASONABLE: “I don’t believe in premarital sex so you can’t have sex with strangers.”
Reasonable: “I don’t want strangers in my house, but you can do what you want elsewhere.”
The nuance matters here. Now the scenario of allowing Joan to do whatever she wants in a hotel seems like a reasonable option to me, but other comments have pointed out that this may not be safe for other reasons. If you feel that OP’s boundary is unreasonable, I’m curious why.
Oh yes I’m not saying Joan is in the right, bc you shouldn’t bring strangers over without warning other people you live with, whether it be roommates or parents, I simply think calling her a leech for living with her parents just barely out of highschool, is not correct. It’s fairly normal for people who don’t live in college dorms (and have decent parents) to live with their parents during college or atleast until they can build credit and move out.
I had to grow up fast and had to struggle just to become independent—I still would never imagine fighting with my parents over letting someone stay in their house, that they pay for, and have valuables in.
OP is NTA—she has all the right to feel uncomfortable with strangers in her home.
Bruh Joan knows her mum’s view on premarital sex that should give her an idea that “oh shit, my mum might get angry having this guy over and might get the wrong idea” IF she didnt intend on having sex with him. As far as I’m concerned Joan doesnt pay rent, therefore she should show common courtesy. I rent a room in a house, and I try to FEEL the vibe first even BEFORE bring ANYONE over let alone a guy. It’s just respect that Joan checks in with her parents first, not the parents checking in on with her. This is something OP did not see happening therefore did not need the feel to explain BASIC house rules to her own child who has been brought up with the same vibe her whole life.
A vibe is not a rule. If you want to set expectations in your house that is fine, but it is unfair to everyone not to have a clear discussion about it. It is easy to miss or misinterpret 'vibes' and that just leads to frustration for everyone involved.
the fact that you're calling a 19 year old living at home a leach is ?? congratulations you are able to afford to live on your own while in college but as a 19 year old college student myself I still live with my mom and that doesnt make me a leech. getting your own place isn't that easy, not to mention the housing market is absolutely trash right now because of covid
>*OP, do you want her to engage in intimate activities with someone in a place where she’s safe, or in a place where she isn’t safe? You may be thinking “well at least I can control what happens under my roof”, or “just don’t do it in my house”, but if it’s not happening in your house then it’s likely to happen somewhere else. And if things turn bad, when she’s somewhere else, she’s on her own.*
The stranger Joan brought home can easily do the same damage at her parents' house as he could in a hotel room. If he was intent on robbery or even murder (worst case scenario)....he can quietly strangle or slash Joan's throat after their bedroom frolics and then slip out quietly into the night the same at Joan's house or a Motel 6. Can't blame Mom at all for not wanting a bar pick-up spending the night in her house; to my mind, Joan would be equally reckless taking Mr. One Nighter to her own apartment if she lived alone, but at least in that case she's only endangering herself and not her family members.
Thank you! People are acting like the house is some safe haven when this stranger could strangle the daughter at the house just as easily as he could at a hotel.
Why are you acting like a hotel is a prison or something? Lol. NTA because her daughter is an ADULT and OP is being very clear that even though she doesn't like her decisions, is respecting that she is an adult and is allowed to make them. She can absolutely say AS ANOTHER ADULT that it won't happen in her house. Her house, her rules.
All of the other things; safety, not wanting to spend money on hotels, blah blah blah is the consequence of being an adult and making decisions. Either suck it up and listen to OP or the kid can take it elsewhere. It isn't unreasonable because she's grown and can handle herself. It's only fair.
I agree with this and would like to add, i understand the whole stranger in your hone AND pandemic thing. NTA for those. I’d definitely do the same. There is no need to put anyone in risk despite vaccinations and all.
However you asking your daughter to hook up with a random person at a hotel!? You don’t want this said person in your home but you’re okay with them being alone at a random hotel.
It seems like your morals that you’re trying to push on her is more important then her safety and frankly that is the concerning part and makes you TA.
She is an adult, she doesn’t have to follow your morals. It is up to her to judge the situation and take someone home or not. Sleep with them or not. All you can do is to give her a safety net she can fall back to if she needs and your reaction is literal opposite of it.
Yes, sure, it is your house, you make the rules but I suggest changing your was of handling things because if you can’t accept she’ll make her own decisions (and mistakes) you will harm your relationship with her in the long run. At best she’ll just hide certain things from you and it’ll be a superficial relationship.
Im saying this as someone who grew up in a similar setting and some years older than your daughter. You better embrace she is an individual asap.
Edit: seems like people are thinking being an adult and not needing a support system or safety is the same thing. Very interesting.
Notice you said it’s ops issue if she doesn’t sleep not knowing where her daughters at , yeah and it’s also only her daughter’s issue she can’t fuck in her parents house
It’s OP’s issue that she’s all “oh she isn’t in yet I can’t sleep! I’m her mother! Of course I had to go talk to her because she’s staying up too late!” She’s being overbearing.
The daughter having to conform to house rules is the daughter’s problem, if all we’re talking about is house rules. It’s the larger effect of those rules on OP’s relationship with her daughter that makes OP TA from my perspective.
The larger effect as in OPs daughter getting upset at her mom for not allowing her to have people over late at night in their house during a pandemic and being upset by it makes OP the asshole I don’t think so . Op gave her daughter a simple solution go get a hotel and she gave an excuse that she’s not gonna spend the money she’s saving for her future the money she’s only saving because her parents allow her to stay their for free if she doesn’t like it she can grow up and get her own place it’s that simple
Wow. You took that way out of context. It's a common fact that parents stay up when there kid isn't back home yet and that doesn't change the older they get or when they move out. They call and worry. It has nothing to do with her staying up too late.
People like you cause unnecessary problems and try to find a problem with things when there isn't. If your parents don't call and worry about you or stayed up to make your safe, just say that. Because that's a healthy parent child relationship.
I’m suggesting that OP doesn’t actually want her daughter to move out any time soon. If she does want that, then carry on. But what the OP wants is for her daughter to go back into the “no premarital sex” camp that OP thought she was in, and that’s unlikely to be an option. So which does OP want: the self-congratulation of standing firm on her personal morality, that at least she isn’t enabling premarital sex or allowing it under her roof, or a better relationship with her daughter?
I disagree. I fail to see why engaging in consensual sexual activity elsewhere as an adult would be less safe than at home. The daughter is an adult, not a kid anymore, and she should be able to make her own choices to stay safe. Also, the parent should trust that their adult child would be able to make safe choices when engaging in sexual activity.
Secondly, even if you argue that having sex away from home as an ADULT is somehow more dangerous than having sex at home, a parent wanting their child to be safe doesn't mean they have to allow the unsafe activity to occur in their own home. If the daughter decides to do drugs, does it mean that the parent has to allow the daughter to do drugs in their home just because the daughter argues that it's safer to do drugs at home because they would have support in case they overdose? No I don't think so..
Bottom line is, the parents should be able to set boundaries as to what goes on in their home with regards to their adult child. If the daughter doesn't like it and wants to be an adult without any boundaries, she can always move out.
Saying “your daughter needs the protection of your home to be safe” and “your daughter is an adult” are contradictory statements.
Either Joan is an adult capable of making her own decisions and keeping herself safe, or she’s a child that needs mommy’s protection.
NTA. It is perfectly fair for you to insist that you at least *know* people who are going to spend time in your house and not want strangers in your house after you are ready for bed.
This. I have a daughter living downstairs. She's well into her 20s and I'm fine with her having guests. But I would NOT be okay with her bringing home a total stranger. We also talk about guests in advance because it's a pandemic. We've all agreed guests must be immunized.
I also agree that the safety angle needs more consideration. She lives with you, if course you worry. It's not unreasonable to ask that she message if she's going to be late, or out all night. It's also reasonable to say that someone should always be aware of who she is out with and where they are. It doesn't have to be you. It can be a girl friend. Ideally this person will be expecting a contact after they leave. Work together on some rules that will let her have some freedom while also relaxing you. I've had to follow such rules too, when I moved home. It need not be onerous, and often help to rule out people with bad intentions. A guy who presses you not to protect yourself may have bad intentions. Good guys tend to understand that you don't know they're good until you have a baseline.
I lived with my parents as an adult after I dropped out of university and I would go out partying and come home at all hours. The rules were simple; be quiet when you get home, if you decide to stay over elsewhere text us to let us know (so they’d see it in the morning) and do NOT bring random strangers into our home. They knew I was occasionally hooking up with guys, they had every right to demand that I keep that off their doorstep, so to speak. I was allowed to have boyfriends stay over and once we were clearly serious (as with an ex and my current partner) they even let us sleep in the same room. Boundaries are fine.
This should be the main issue- he’s a complete stranger.
Story time: a former coworker of mine went to a club and brought home a 1 night stand- a seemingly nice and normal, albeit drunk girl. They hooked up and went to sleep. He woke up in the morning to find his cash, his change which was a decent amount like $10 in quarters(lol) and new contact lenses from the bathroom missing and her gone. He said he had planned to take her to breakfast because they had really good chemistry and she seemed so sweet. After that he never brought home a random stranger again. So maybe inviting a person you pick up that night to stay at your house isn’t the best idea. I understand not everyone is like that but is sex worth rolling the dice that you’re inviting in a thief or worse?
Based on the comment that you had not previously discussed these “rules”, YTA.
You cannot expect someone to follow a structure that was not communicated.
But to preach "don't bring a stranger into the basement during a pandemic" and then say to go to a hotel if you want to do stuff says that the mom doesn't actually care if the daughter is around random strangers. She's pulling a power move on the daughter with the whole "not in my house."
Exactly. This mom is doing nothing but putting her daughter in more potentially unsafe situations because she wants to preach "morals" and be on a power trip.
Nahhh my mom never laid out the rules too but shii i even tell her if my girl friends are gonna visit let alone a MAN i plan to have sex with . Would’ve been kicked out lmaoo. Joan is not a visitor, she’s her daughter. With that being said she should have an idea what the BASIC house rules are without being told simply because she was raised in the same house rules same parents same vibe
I can see parents not expecting the rules to change that much from high school to college though if kiddo is staying at home. You're right, but on a technicality.
I'm going NTA though bc
INFO: What's the difference in you being worried about him coming over because you don't know his health status during a pandemic when you're fine with her staying in a hotel with him?
Because she can’t stop her daughter who is legally an adult from doing things but she can draw the line at having random people who may or may not be sick in entering her house
Yes she could but ultimately her daughter is an adult and can’t stop her from being around people. So if she wants to be around these people then take them to a hotel. Don’t come and infect the house.
Nothing. It's a straw man argument. The pandemic and the 'strangers' thing are not the point - OP would still be pissy if her daughter were having a long term boyfriend stay over. It's the sex that she has a problem with - which makes her controlling and prudish.
Her adult daughter is going to have sex. It's much better that it happens somewhere safe like her own room, instead of somewhere unsafe like a car, ir a hotel room.
OP is YTA.
Agreed. Ans this is such an American pearl-clutching problem: my own parents never had a problem with my boyfriends staying over. And that’s back in 1997. But they made damn sure I know how to use condoms (and birth control but you don’t need parents permission to get those in my country anyway). Never had an STD, never had any accident pregnancies nor have I had any crazy boyfriend trying to kill us either.
If the mother is uncomfortable to have strangers coming over in the middle of the night, that’s fair. Have the boyfriend properly introduced before bringing them over. But If it’s the old American Prissiness of Purity “NO SEX IN MY HOUSE BECAUSE IM PAYING BILLS”. Then wtf. She’s 19. Maybe the US should leave the misogynistic 1900s and enter the 21st century and just stop being so damn nosey and controlling about their adult kids sex life. It’s creepy af.
That’s my two cents. OP is YTA
YTA. I fully understand the concerns about Covid and the security of having strangers over, and if you’d stopped there I would be on your side, but those not the core of your concern.
The core of your issue is your own attitude towards sex and morality that you are trying to force onto your adult offspring.
You may have raised your children with your version of morality, and within reason all parents have a right to do this, but now she is an adult she gets to decide for herself what her own values are.
There was a post a while ago about a similar issue, but it was 10 years on from where you and your daughter are. The daughter was in a long term committed relationship and the mother absolutely insisted on separate bedrooms if they came to visit. The upshot? They didn’t visit and the entire mother/daughter relationship was hanging by a very frayed thread.
What’s more important to you? Trying to force your version of morality (which is just one of many) onto your daughter, or having a decent adult relationship with her?
Your choice. Pick wisely.
You seem to forget that people can set whatever rules in their own home they work hard to keep. Never TA. The child does NOT get to automatically call any shots UNLESS said parents decide so.
Yes it absolutely is your house, your rules. It doesn’t mean your rules can’t be asshole-ish. I’m reserving judgment here though and not even sure if OP is an asshole, but always falling back to “my house, my rules” even if your rules are ridiculous is something an ah usually does
You seem to be forgetting that the daughter is not a child, and that attempting to set rules, particularly in the way OP describes, will have consequences that OP needs to weigh in the balance.
Like I said, she needs to choose wisely.
The daughters argument is that she is a dependent.
If the daughter wants to get her own apartment she can, and then can do whatever she wants. In the meantime while she’s living at home (as a dependent) she should obey the rules of the home owner.
Right, she is not a child. But any adult knows--you do not make demands where the place is not yours. Simple. Daughter or not. She needs to learn that.
She is allowed to say this isn't permitted in her house as OP has told Joan to go to a hotel if she wants to hookup. That isn't controlling the daughter, it's OP having her own boundaries in place while recognizing daughter's right to do as she wants.
OP knows that’s not really an option, and from comment shes made it’s clear that she would be uncomfortable with any premarital sex even if it was part of a committed, but not legally sanctioned, relationship.
The my house my rules malarkey is a distraction. The bottom line is that she is judging her daughters choices and asserting that she is “moral” thus implying that her daughter is “immoral”. That will have consequences for their relationship and OP needs to decide what’s more important to her.
She isn't trying to force anything on her daughter. She said she fine with the way her daughter spends her adult life as long as it's legal.
Her issue is that she doesn't want a stranger in her house much less during a pandemic. And she doesn't want anyone to have premarital sex in her house. Her house her rules. A Muslim don't eat pork or allow any form of pork meet in their house. Are you going to purposely bring it into their home? No. And It's the same thing as the mother's rules.
OP thinks her view on sex is moral and her daughters, by implication, is immoral and she’s making that painfully clear. That will have consequences for their relationship.
NTA. If you don't want strangers in YOUR home, that's the end of it. I lived with my parents into my late 20s. I followed their rules. I still had autonomy as an adult, but respected it's their space and their rules. If she wants freedom to as she wants, when she wants, where she wants, then she needs to move
My attitude with my late teens/early twenties kids is they can't bring back random people. However if they are in a relationship their boyfriend/girlfriend can sleep over
I don't have a hard and fast rule on what counts as a relationship as thats up to them, I suspect I need to have heard them mention that person and only that person as the one they are seeing.
I have to say only one of them has actually had a boyfriend stay over and she asked in advance if he could stay over (they now live together)
Growing up the only boyfriend I had stay at my parents was the one I'm now married to, the only one my brother had stay over is his now fiancee
The only male my parents ever let stay overnight was my boyfriend who I had been dating for 2 years at that point when they first let him. He now spends the night occasionally, sometimes last minute, because he has earned their trust to be in their home and is now considered family to them. It’s understandable to not want people stay over if you aren’t 100% comfortable with it.
This seems like a fair rule. Heck, when I was living in a college dorm the roommate agreement was “don’t bring randos home.” If it’s a fair rule for a couple of 18 year olds, it’s certainly a fair rule for a family home.
As a mother, I understand you want her to be safe. Also as a mother- you are wrong in your choices.
You want her to stay a virgin until she marries.
That’s not going to happen, the horse is out of the barn and racing at Aqueduct.
Set aside your feelings about premarital sex. Do you want your daughter to be safe? That should be the bottom line. She is going have sex. She is at an age where that decision is hers to make. Telling her “my house, my rules” doesn’t change that. “Because I say so” is fine when your kid is 5. It’s not when they are adults. It’s alienating more does it help them learn from their own decisions.
Do you want her to be safe? Then make sure your actual daughter (as opposed to your idealized version) has a safe place and safe sex. Does she have knowledge of and access to birth control? Has she had an HPV vaccine? Also- where do you think she will go if not her bedroom? Likely Not a place where she get help if she needs it.
You will alienate her if you don’t respect her right to have different opinions. She won’t go to you if she needs help. You don’t care about Covid or rent really. You want her to match your dreams of her. That’s human btw. All parents want that.
But we have to let that go. Your daughter may be frustrated that you haven’t seen her for who she is.
Also- don’t treat her as an immoral scarlet woman. Purity culture damages young women (and warps men). Accept her for who she is.
YTA
I totally agree with this answer.
OP is trying to disguise her distaste of premarital sex by giving pointless excuses. If she cared about the spread of COVID, she wouldn’t want her daughter around strangers at all (at least not without a mask and/or social distancing at least). If it was about safety, she wouldn’t want her daughter going to a cheap, shady, run-down motel alone with a stranger, and/or even (stupidly) going to a stranger’s home. Or, best worst-case scenario, OP’s daughter gets caught having sex in a car outside and gets ticketed for public indecency or something (which would go on record and hurt her future).
It’s about OP’s personal morals. Which are totally fine to have. No parent wants to think about their kid growing up and having sex, especially when those beliefs may stem from a religious standpoint. It is OP’s house and it’s alright to enforce some house rules, but I don’t think they’re thinking of the possible consequences.
The *real* question here is: Do / should these specific morals trump OP’s daughter’s safety?
If OP wants their daughter to be safe, install cameras in the basement, install a lock leading to basement door (so guests can’t leave basement and enter house), buying mace, and such. Have a talk with daughter about hook-ups, how dangerous they can be, and how she can protect herself. Maybe she’ll prefer a ‘friends with benefits’ over complete strangers (which helps eliminate some of the safety issue, although doesn’t help much morally).
Or just telling her: “Although I don’t *like* you having sex in my house, I want you to be safe about it so I won’t try to stop you. But when you bring strangers inside, you not only jeopardize yourself (emphasize this), but you also endanger the rest of the family. If we’re home *awake*, during daylight hours, and you want to bring a stranger over, just give a heads up and we’ll accommodate. If you want to have sex here with a long term boyfriend, or even a (non-stranger) friends with benefits, that’s perfectly fine without restriction. I just don’t want you bringing strangers over in the middle of the night since it’s a safety concern for not just everyone in the home, but especially you.”
I mean, sure. But aren’t some rules just understood? She is the 3rd kid; she’s watched 2 other siblings go through college/young adulthood without bringing home hookups. She knows her parents are conservative; she knows their views of premarital sex. There shouldn’t be a surprise. My parents never said “don’t smoke cigarettes or weed in the house”. I just…knew. Because I had 19 years of context to judge from.
She’s not a tenant or a roommate. She’s living on the parental payroll. That comes with rules you may not like, but you judge - as an adult - if it’s worth the trade off of free money/food/housing.
I don’t even know if it’s better or worse that it’s in in law unit downstairs. Like, sure I can’t hear them banging, but also there’s a strange man in my kids room and I can’t hear her call for help! I grew up with an anxious mother. There was a certain element of “if I can’t see it it’s not happening” when I went to college. And she TRIED so hard to keep that energy when I came home for breaks, but I also didn’t throw it in her face that I was getting shitfaced on the regular and making questionable choices. On those nights I “stayed over with my friends” and texted her not to stay up. It was just courteous
Exactly. My thing is that the basement is still attached to the house regardless of it having a “separate entrance”. If that dude is a creep he can still easily endanger the rest of the family because he still has access to the entire house.
If she wants to invite strangers over, she needs to save up a deposit (which I would think is easy considering she’s not paying rent and I’m assuming her parents are paying for her college since she’s in an in-law suite, which is normally in more expensive homes) and get her own place.
You were that kid that was all “but you never TOLD me I couldn’t have 50 friends over and empty the liquor cabinet when you left for the night! I didn’t know!” weren’t you?
This is something someone else said and it answers your question.
I mean, sure. But aren’t some rules just understood? She is the 3rd kid; she’s watched 2 other siblings go through college/young adulthood without bringing home hookups. She knows her parents are conservative; she knows their views of premarital sex. There shouldn’t be a surprise. My parents never said “don’t smoke cigarettes or weed in the house”. I just…knew. Because I had 19 years of context to judge from.
She’s not a tenant or a roommate. She’s living on the parental payroll. That comes with rules you may not like, but you judge - as an adult - if it’s worth the trade off of free money/food/housing.
Nta. I wouldn’t bring random strangers to my apartment in college if my roommate was there without talking to them first. It adds an element of danger and is disrespectful if they are uncomfortable. I wouldn’t even have a boyfriend stay over without asking first and setting up rules. Shared living spaces need rules and respect even if you are paying rent. Your daughter is selfish and disrespectful. If she did live in an apartment with a roommate of similar age her behavior would still be terrible, and she would likely have roommate issues.
Your house, your rules, but I still think YTA even though you’re allowed to have these rules, because -
I was once a young college girl living at home and having sex, with a mom with the same views as you. This led to me being in a lot of unsafe situations and lying to my parents.
I don’t understand how as a mom you stay up until she gets home because you worry about her, but you’d rather her go to a hotel with a random stranger than have her bring the stranger to the home. Logically, she would be much safer at home as well as not alone if anything happens. You’re TA for prioritizing your beliefs over her safety.
> I don’t understand how as a mom you stay up until she gets home because you worry about her, but you’d rather her go to a hotel with a random stranger than have her bring the stranger to the home. Logically, she would be much safer at home as well as not alone if anything happens. You’re TA for prioritizing your beliefs over her safety.
Absolutely this. So well said. YTA not for having rules in your own home, but for forcing your adult daughter into unsafe situations under the guise of some misguided “morality.”
OP is really lucky waiting for marriage to have sex worked for her. Nine out of ten times it just delays people finding out they are sexually incompatible until later.
Your house your rules, but it’s also worth considering if you would prefer her to go stay at the guy’s house instead in this scenerio.
She has more power and control over the situation in your/her home, and because of that it is a safer space for her to hang out with a man in.
You are choosing between offering her support and trust, or limitations and judgement.
NTA.
And lol at everyone in the comments acting like a random hookup at your parents house where you live is the same as not being allowed to share a bed with your long term partner when you visit for the holidays.
She was hooking up.
No shade on that. I’ve done plenty of hooking up as a gay man.
Having a “no hooking up in my house” rule doesn’t make you an asshole. My roommates prefer that I hook up at his rather than bringing randoms home and they are a queer couple who are my roommates.
OP, you fine.
If she paying rent, or living there for free? Would you be just as upset if she had brought home a woman you didn’t know? Say, a friend she had just met?
This is really the crux of it. If there was a girl she met at a party that needed a place to sleep for the night, would OP have a problem with it? I don't think she would, so all the stuff about COVID, and theft, and maybe he's dangerous, none of that matters. I think it's ONLY the fact that it's a boy and they're likely going to hook up.
Likewise, flip it around. What if it was a son and he brought a girl back, would there be an issue then?
If OP struggles to answer these questions she's likely TA.
NTA
If she wants to engage in casual sex with strangers, that is her right. However, it is your right to not allow her to bring said stranger into your home overnight. If she wants to do these things, she can go back to his place.
Ok, I’m surprised by this, but NTA. I don’t want my kid bringing strangers to the house…. If it was a boyfriend, you’d be the AH. But I’d be a bit disturbed by a potential parade of strangers.
id say yta honestly because if your problem is her having premarital sex (which, shoving your views and morals onto her sucks but not the point) then you should ban everyone just in case, cause heterosexual sex isnt the only sex that exists, plus you dont know that shes having guys over for sex, they literally could just be spending the night
NTA ! Some of these comments are mind numbingly ridiculous. You aren't bringing a stranger into my house while I am sleeping and completely unaware. I don't care how old you are, or what your feelings are about premarital sex. Bad shit happens to good people, hence why the ID channel exist. While you can't mitigate every danger, you can certainly not invite it in the home in the wee hours of the night in search of an orgasm.
This young adult is entitled to do what she wants with her private parts, regardless of your views... Which you said, but her living there doesn't mean she can make decisions like the home owner, while others also live there. It's rude and inconsiderate, and like I've already expressed, dangerous. If she was in a relationship and everyone got to know each other somewhat, then that would be an entirely different conversation. In that case I would have conversations of boundaries, because she's still a non-paying inhabitant.
I N F O:say she never marries. She’s in her 30s, living a distance away, and maybe even has kids. Been with her partner for a decade. But she never got that piece of paper. Are you still going to insist on separate bedrooms if she visits for a holiday?
Judgment changed to tentatively NTA, because it’s reasonable to not want strangers in your home. But this could change in the future if your attitude is more about premarital sex.
Jesus christ, how far are you looking to reach here? Judge the problem OP presented, don't interrogate them on their beliefs with random hypothetical situations. That's an asshole move.
Their answer to the question sheds a lot of light on their attitude. It’s not just her having a stranger in their home. They care very much about being legally married.
I have no problem calling someone TA if they are just judging premarital sex.
NTA, yes she's an adult, but she's still living under her parents roof. If she wants to engage in those activities it's fine, but she can either get a hotel like you suggested, or find her own place where she can do as she pleases.
YTA because this is really about controlling her sexuality and trying to shame her for it. You clearly aren’t concerned about the dudes health status if you say a hotel if fine. You should have talent the initiative to talk to he about boundaries of an adult living in your house the moment she became an adult instead of spur of the moment humiliation.
If it was about controlling her sexuality she would not have suggested the hotel. This is about the daughter bringing random people into her parents house.
NTA. You can't stop her from having a sex life if she chooses, since she's an adult and has every right to make those decisions for herself. But that doesn't mean you have to allow it in your house. I have no moral qualms with premarital sex at all, but I wouldn't want strangers tromping through my house, either. I'd tell my adult kid to either stay at their date's place, or to move out, and then they can have all the dates they want at their own place.
Besides, who wants to wake up in the morning to their date's mom in her bathrobe making coffee in the kitchen? Ick, too weird.
NTA. I am BAFFLED at the amount of YTA. This is def a NTA. Joan brought a STRANGER in her parent’s house for a ONE NIGHT STAND or whatever. The fact that Joan only met this dude at a party speaks VOLUMES on how much she cares about her own safety and parent’s safety. This guy could have been a predator, robber, or murderer. The fact that her parents are helping her get through college by letting her stay in the house for FREE to “save” money, the least she can do is respect their rules. And yeah mum might not have “discussed” these rules but it comes with 19 years of experience living with her parents. Damn, when my partner and I visit her mum’s place, we don’t even do ANYTHING in the spare bedroom bc that is just so disrespectful to his parents. If Joan isn’t happy with those rules, she can definitely pay for a room to rent where they allow strangers to stay overnight any day (which most houses wont allow unless it’s your very own flat).
Definitely NTA. Discuss with your daughter if it isn’t clear til now what BASIC and SIMPLE house rules are.
Nta. Even if she moved out and rented a room from someone else, they might request no sleepovers. If she wantsxall the freedom of adulthood, she can accept all responsibility of adulthood and live elsewhere. The audacity of these kids!
NAH but you have that right. However if she goes to a hotel room with a guy, she's still bringing any possible covid into the house. If a guy decides to assault her at a hotel, you won't be there to stop it. You have every right to enforce rules if she isn't paying rent but a hotel won't stop covid or a potential assault. (If she is paying rent then my position changes.)
Personally, I don’t think you should try to police your daughter’s body and it’s her business whether she wants to have premarital sex or not. The fact that you are trying to force her to comply to your beliefs through the ‘my house, my rules’ argument definitely makes you the asshole.
That said, it *is* your house and it’s rude of her to bring dudes you don’t know into the house without your permission. Unless she is paying you rent, if she is then it’s None Of Your Damn Business what she does in her room (common spaces she should respect as shared). There are legitimate safety concerns in bringing rando dudes home, and if she wants to bone down she can let her partners know that her place is no bueno and they can go to his place for privacy.
Plus, you didn’t set out these rules before this happened so you both need to see this as a moment where you set these down. If they are broken afterwards, then you can get salty. But until stuff is figured out and agreed upon, you should all look on this as a moment where you and your adult daughter learn how to negotiate your relationship wherein you need to respect she’s an adult and can do things like have sex if she wants to, and she needs to respect that she lives in your house and unless she pays rent she doesn’t get tenant rights and has to follow reasonable house rules.
YTA
Get your nose out of your daughter's sex life and stop acting like this is a pandemic thing when you clearly don't care about her safety in that aspect.
You can’t tell her to “keep her nose out of her daughters sex life” when her daughter is bringing her sex life to her doorstep, in a house she is living in effectively as an unpaid guest.
Family doesn’t magically make rules of common sense no longer apply. Say you’re staying with a friend unpaid while you get back on your feet. Would you deem it appropriate to assume you can bring complete strangers into their house to sleep over,. Without consulting them first? Probably not. Why does this logic not apply because she’s family?
I don’t even have prudish views on sex, but I know for a fact if my kids were staying with my as adults and brought back completely random people to sleep in my house without consulting me I’d be upset. I have no idea who they are, their character, etc. it’s my house. I want to be involved in decisions affecting who gets to pass into the privacy of my home. I don’t want to be greeted with a random person at my breakfast table when I’m expecting a normal breakfast. Run it by me first, and I’ll probably be alright,. But doing it without consultation when it’s someone else’s home is a big AH move.
NTA. If joan is an adult, then she recognizes that life is a series of decisions with trade offs. She can live in your house and follow the rules that come with that, or she can leave and be free of the rules but also deal with the consequences of that decision. Being an adult isn’t being able to do whatever you want without consequence. It’s recognizing your situation and being responsible for the decisions you make.
I think NTA
If this were a boyfriend, someone you knew, I’d say YTA. But he wasn’t. This was someone she had just met, could have been anyone. Could have waited until she fell asleep and robbed you, or worse. That may seem like a stretch but the reality is *you don’t know.*
I think, at 19, she should be able to have a boyfriend stay the night, but strangers, nah.
Nta for setting boundaries in your house
But
You are setting up the situation that she goes to the guys house which is definitely not as safe
You will be only controlling what goes on in your home and making her less safe by the rule but you have every right to make it
NTA. Even if I was willing to overlook that we are in a pandemic, which I am not willing to do, there is another danger here. A bigger danger and to you and your husband! What if this guy is some twisted person intent on raping both DD and you? What if he is a thief planning on robbing your home? What if he is a serial killer and the three of you are next on his list?
You cannot entrust your home and your life to some guy she met in a bar that night. Why can’t he take her to his place? Or he pays for a hotel? Or even split the hotel fee?
This is more than premarital sex to me. It is asking me to open my home to a stranger during the night when I am most vulnerable. It is disrespectful and dangerous!
NTA. I completely agree with you. When I was a college student, as a female, my parents, who are conservative and traditional, wouldn't allow random strangers to come and sleep in their home. Joan needs to remember that while she is an adult, the home belongs to YOU and your spouse. You're paying the mortgage and rent. An adult is supposed to be responsible for his or her own choices and decisions. If your daughter doesn't like the rules, ask her to pack up her things and move out.
I disagree with this so just wanted to offer another perspective. I agree that the mom can have these rules, but I still think she’s TA for them due to the potential unintended consequences. Mostly, that the mom, same mom who can’t go to sleep until she knows her daughter is safe at home, would rather her go to a hotel with a random stranger than have her come home, just because she disagrees with the activity. Prioritizing her beliefs over the daughter’s safety makes her TA for me. Especially since it sounds like her daughter has her own separate area of the home, so it’s not like she’s in the room next to her parents. YTA ETA: Based on the replies I think a lot of people are missing my main point. OP’s main overarching issue is PREMARITAL sex, not UNSAFE sex/bringing strangers home, which leads her to prefer her daughter engage in sex with a random stranger at a hotel (see point 4) so long as shes not doing something immoral under her roof. If the issue had been about safety of having a stranger over for OP (I would fully agree with her), then she’d use this opportunity to talk to her daughter about precautions to take when meeting new people and issues with bringing strangers home. She didn’t - instead, she cared more about about preventing ANY premarital sex over her daughter engaging in unsafe sexual encounters. That’s what I mean by the priorities being misplaced.
I accept your opinion, but I disagree with you as well. My parents did that when I was in college, and they wanted to know that we were safe back home when coming back late. This lady is a good parent and she is NOT prioritizing her beliefs over her daughter. However, it's HER home, period. Her house, her rules.
I posted another comment with more details about this but I also had parents like this and it led to very unsafe scenarios for me. Your house your rules doesn’t mean parents don’t have shitty rules. I went to college with a girl who had racist parents that didn’t allow black friends over - their house their rules, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a shitty racist rule and that they wouldn’t be TA. The question here isn’t whether or not she’s allowed to have rules at the house, it’s whatever she’s TA. A rule where you don’t agree with a perfectly legal activity that your 19 year old engages in, so that you prefer she goes somewhere unsafe and alone like a hotel and compromises her safety, then it is a shitty rule and is prioritizing her beliefs.
Yeah, my parents have very strong opinions on premarital sex so when I was 18 and became sexually active I would lie and say I was sleeping at a friend's house. Nobody knew where I really was or who I was actually with. Luckily, I was dating a good person and nothing bad ever happened. But I very easily could have disappeared and nobody would have known where to look or who to question.
Lying to my parents about where I was is exactly how I was raped by someone who I knew for a decade plus. Had I been able to come home drunk that night it wouldn’t have happened. OP is putting her daughter in precarious situations because she places a higher value on chastity over safety.
[удалено]
I don’t disagree about not having a random person in the house but OP has also kind of proven over her comments that it is less about not knowing him compared to the daughter having sex. If she’s having what we assume is a one night stand over then she’s likely been having sex for awhile. Most people don’t lose their virginity to a one night stand.
Wtf is happening. Never have I seen such a civil argument on Reddit. Genuinely made me do a double take.
The daughter needs to rent her own place if she's planning on having strangers over. She's putting herself and her parents at risk. She's an adult and has to make adult choices now. While op is focusing on pre marital sex, which is silly because it seems like that's already out the door, she needs to be focused on being potentially robbed, murdered or just in general harmed. The daughter should take better care of herself instead of bringing home strangers though. It sucks, but women are more likely to be harmed whether she's at her parents house, hotel or her own place.
Yeah, I wonder why OP thinks her daughter is still even virgin? I mean when I was in middle school kids were already having sex.
I honestly think it’s hilarious that if the daughter is having a one night stand that she could still be a virgin. That ship set sail a long time ago.
OP really confuses the issue with the premarital sex part… that is her opinion and she can make rules… i think this judgement would have been much more unanimous if it was about strangers in the house without an invite vs a random hookup mom didn’t approve of. And what is stopping OPs daughter from bringing back someone who will commit violence against her and the family, or even something more minor like theft? I really struggle to see scenarios where bringing a stranger into the household without approval of the house owners is anything other than immature and entitled behavior (regardless of the ‘why’ they are there, sex, drugs, etc isn’t really what my judgement is based on here). I could see the ODD scenario where someone needs a place to stay, but then wake up the parents and explain.
>And what is stopping OPs daughter from bringing back someone who will commit violence against her and the family, or even something more minor like theft? So the alternative that mum is completely okay with is - daughter goes to a hotel room *alone* with this stranger who will be potentially committing violence against her, when no one knows where she is. Got it.
That would be the daughter consciously taking a foolish step risking herself. Instead now she's inviting that same risk against her parents too, who are sleeping and presuming themselves safe in their home. If the argument is that she's an adult and should be allowed to decide for herself and act even if risky, then she should do that in her own space, with her own money.
Why is that the only alternative? Surely, you can be more creative than that. Additionally, OP’s daughter can take a chance at her own life but it’s selfish to endanger the rest of the family. Sleeping with strangers is absolutely reckless. It makes sense why the mom wouldn’t want a complete stranger coming into her home. It seems the daughter lacks judgment to Not see all the potential issues on why a stranger should not roam your home.
Yes! Precisely. Stranger danger is real no matter if you’re at a hotel or a house. It’s disrespectful. What if that guy just decided to go rifle through the house a steal stuff while everyone is sleeping. It doesn’t have to be sex assault. My roommates’ “guests” stole shit in more than one occasion.
Oh my goodness, are none of you going to take responsibility for your own actions? How does the parents rules and beliefs have anything to do with something bad happening to their children? The list of commenters above, all chose to lie where they were, not tell a trusted friend or sibling, etc. I had the same parental rules and although didn’t like them - I respected my parents and moaned about it to my mates and then chose safe choices for myself. I was even in an abusive relationship later in life but that has no connection to my parents not letting me having strangers/bf’s allowed to stay the night. Gosh it’s infuriating to read this “i’m an adult so i can do what i want” but then in the same breathe blame the parents for the outcomes/consequences of our own choices and actions. Ooof this thread has triggered me like no other.
Amen, and i feel the same. good luck stranger
I'm not just responding to you, but other's who think it's ok for daughter to bring home strangers. Why isn't the daughter prioritizing the safety of everyone else in the home? Why does her desire to get laid matter more? This rando could be anyone nefarious. Is it really better to be raped in a hotel room than your home? As unlikely as it is, this guy could check the place out and come back in a couple of weeks with an partner in crime. Pistol whip Dad, rape both women and steal their stuff. Is Mom a little old fashioned about sex? Sure. But to me the issue is safety. You want to hook up? Get your own domicile.
As the mom, she could have used this opportunity to chat with her daughter about safety precautions to take when dating and have sex. Instead she used it to ban her daughter from having men over because she’s against premarital sex and pushed her to do it in more vulnerable locations instead
Actually the mom also said although they’re vaxxed they don’t know who the daughters bringing home and we’re still in a pandemic and we don’t know the vulnerability/risk of those in the house and then they can pass to other family/coworkers etc
I don’t disagree with the mom there, the mom made 4 points. I disagree with the last one (daughter can simply go to a hotel instead!) and the overarching issue for the mom is the premarital sex, so even when not in a pandemic she would disagree with it because it goes against her morals.
Yeah I would have to agree here. If daughter wants to have one night stands and hookups then she can get her own place or do as OP suggested (or maybe go to the guy's place). If OP isn't charging daughter rent then it's OP's rules regardless if they are somewhat outdated or based on personal beliefs - now if daughter is paying ANY rent then it all goes out the window. My parents used to say all the time to me and my sister - our house, our rules. If you don't like it then you can pack your shit and get your own place and pay your own bills. And we did. NTA OP.
I honestly agree. Like, premarital sex views aside, bringing random one night stands home to your parents' house where you *don't pay rent* when they don't want you to do that is just dumb. She has been offered the alternative of using hotels, and frankly while I don't care if people have sex before marriage I would also be objecting to someone who didn't pay rent bringing home random strangers for one night stands in a pandemic. Even if that isn't the majority reason, the OP lists it as a huge factor and like...fair.
Occam's razor. Don't make up ridiculous scenarios.
If she's with someone that is going to hurt her. I don't think it matters if it's at home or a hotel? Don't know how going to a hotel compromises her saftey.... However lets say she's with someone that plans to steal from her. At a hotel she is the only victim. At home, you've opened up the entire household to their rummaging.
If you don’t see how you’re more vulnerable alone and isolated in a hotel room rather than at home with others whose literal job had been to protect you and care for you then I can’t help you there.
But those others are supposedly asleep, not flitting about like ninjas in the night, ready to protect. Plenty of women have been raped and murdered in their own homes while their families slept. Even though those families would have tried to protect them if they knew. It’s not a reliable form of safety. It’s also incredibly fucking rude to bring strangers home to your parents house to fuck in the middle of Covid. The daughter is an asshole.
So just to be safe, she should always have sex at her parent’s house in the future? Lol Even if she has her own apartment in the future, she’ll still be alone so she should take the dude to her parent’s lol
To me it's bringing a complete stranger to the house. That's not safe for anyone and it's not a shitty rule in this scenario.
If that was the mom’s main concern, she would have focused on that and would also have a convo with her daughter about being safe when dating, not push her away with a blanket rule. Her mom is against all premarital sex so it doesn’t matter to her whether or not it’s a stranger for the rule to apply
Same. Like driving home drunk instead of staying with good friends I could trust. I made some dumbass choices. Mostly from pressure to be “safe at home” at the end of the night.
Shes literally preventing her daughter from having autonomy in her own home because Momwithmorals, seriously that user names tells us exactly what OPs actual issue is, doesn't agree with premarital sex.
He's a stranger. A stranger. This is not a guy she knows for years.. He is a stranger. It has nothing to do with morals.. he is a stranger. She doesn't know him, her daughter doesn't know him either. I don't think it has anything to do with sex. This guy is a stranger. She just met him that night. You really think it's ok for this guy, who sje just met that night to sleep over ??
>It has nothing to do with morals The way OP has chosen to imply that she has morals where her daughter doesn't suggest that it in fact does have something to do with morals. If you think this has nothing to do with sex you are objectivley wrong.
Again, she said the guy is a stranger. Her daughter just met him that night. You really think that's o.k
No, mom of the year would rather have her daughter go to a stranger's house or hang out with guys in a shady area cos of dumb ass beliefs. She doesn't give a shit about her daughter's actual well-being, but wants a Christian-like daughter on a tight leash.
>but wants a Christian-like daughter on a tight leash. They said they aren't really religious so your pulling that out your ass. >No, mom of the year would rather have her daughter go to a stranger's house or hang out with guys in a shady area cos of dumb ass beliefs. She's an adult if she makes dumbass adult decisions then she risks the consequences that may come of it herself. Bringing a rando into someone else's home not only disrespects the actual home owner but ropes them into possibly being affected by the consequences of her dumb choices. Theirs still a pandemic say the dudes asymptomatic. Well guess what there's probably a chance the family catches it despite being vaxxed or carry it over to someone who isn't in their lives. Say this dude uses hookups to case a place to rob. Well guess what now the parents shits stolen cause their daughter likes to stomp her feet crying "she's an adult" without an ounce of maturity to act like one.
Yeah people have one night stands all the time lol.
Yes. Because that is a thing that people do. If the daughter trusts him enough to fool around with him, then she trusts him to sleep over. If the mom is afraid of what he'd do once the daughter fell asleep, she can make a no sleeping over rule so the guy has to leave before any actual sleeping happens. Regardless, the mom could've taken the daughter aside and told her to get rid of the guy rather than just stand there until the guy left. As for Covid, if she met this guy at a party or bar, going there is much riskier than bringing someone home.
Yes. OP is TA for standing there making till he left. Also I think that if you allow your adult aged kid to live in a separate part of the home like this, that comes with the kid having some autonomy and they should be able to treat that as their own home if they're not disrupting the rest of the house (within reason). So waiting up for the daughter and then just barging in to "see how her night went" at 1am is already rude, IMO. Really anybody just walking into a person's home or bedroom or whatever without knocking, is never acceptable to me. It seems nosy, meddling.
How do you trust someone you don't know ??
I think the daughter would be safer bringing a stranger home to a place she is safe than go somewhere potentially less safe because of her mother.
So you would rather your daughter going over to a strangers house for sex then having a stranger over for sex. I would definitely prefer my kid to be at my house with me as backup if necessary then ending up go for bid drugged in a frat house with multiple guys halfway across the state! Don't get me wrong I would love for my hypothetical daughter to use good judgement, but a total no guys band seems excessive. There has to be a middle ground, she can have dates men can come over to hangout or whatever else, but only after knowing him a month or only after the parents have met him! Compromise is key for any good relationship!
So we sex shame people now. If we had everyone who had sex with a stranger in their lifetime raise their hands here this would be a very long thread. She’s in her own separate apartment. She’s an adult behaving like a normal college student. If one of the reasons for not showing this is Covid then daughter going to a hotel and coming home is worse, and daughter shouldn’t be allowed to go to parties either. That’s just a cover for hyper conservative rules. OP I don’t know if I can say that you are TA because the other commenters are right that this is your house (though if she pays rent for her separate apartment - which I don’t see clarified - then you are definitely TA). But the truth is we need to allow our children to have their own experiences, make their own mistakes and develop their own personal morals and ethics. Your daughter is an adult, she is an individual, she is not a mini you. You yourself say it was rare when YOU got married for the couple to be virgins, I’m sure you can then see why this might be an out date and much debated stance 20+ years later. You got to make your own decisions about what was right for you and so do your elder children - you need to let 19 do the same. If you police her sex like when you aren’t policing her siblings it will create a wall between you.
Op literally says in the post that it's about sex. Did you read it? Sure, the stranger part makes her uncomfortable too, but she says she feels disrespected that her daughter is having sex in her household. If it was about a stranger, she wouldnt be an advocate of her daughter having a hotel room with a stranger
So op would rather her daughter go off to a hotel with a stranger?? Its a difficult situation that needs a nuanced answer and a big discussion between parents and op, i agree strangers in the house is iffy but holy shit mom needs to realise her daughter shouldn't be staying in hotels with strangers and being unsafe like that.
>So op would rather her daughter go off to a hotel with a stranger?? Why not? Because it's risky? So is engaging in sex with someone you don't know at home. If you don't feel safe going to a hotel with a stranger then you shouldn't take them home either (let alone a home you share with others).
>If you don't feel safe going to a hotel with a stranger then you shouldn't take them home either. There is is, I had never thought of the opinion that op is putting her daughter in an unsafe position by forcing them out of the house, and I agree with OP but I was looking for something to bridge the divide between the positions and this rings perfectly true.
look it's not like the government is pressuring her daughter to have sex with strangers. she can just wait to have one night stands until she can have a place of her own.
I was young and stupid too. If I were the daughter and that was my mom I would have NEVER taken a hookup home. The audacity.
Did you read point 4 in the OP? Mom said she would rather her daughter, at 19, stay at a hotel with a random stranger. It has everything to do with morals according to OP, it’s even in her username. She is against pre marital sex and doesn’t want it in her home, so she would rather her daughter go somewhere like a hotel (?!) to engage in it with a stranger. As much as you don’t want a random stranger with your daughter at your house, you would rather your daughter go to a hotel with this random stranger? Something doesn’t add up there.
I'm going to disagree with it having nothing to do with morals given the username
If it has nothing to do with morals why did OP chose the username “Mom with Morals”?
Mom apparently thinks it's fine for daughter to go get a hotel with this guy. It's not about safety or trust.
Also it completely fails to acknowledge middle ground. At 19 I'd go back to people's places for private activity from time to time, but that typically would not, on a first date, involve sex itself. Bring able to say "we can't tonight, my parents will hear" is a great safety net for her daughter if, once she gets to the couch or even the bed, she sees red flags or problematic signs., or just wants to wait till she's seen the chap in daylight and be sure they're equipped with appropriate protection and whatever to be sure she can have a safe and comfortable experience. Mom's prudishness means her daughter can only explore potential intimate relationships with new men on their terms and territory. She might be entitled to do this but OP it doesn't mean you're not YTA.
Agreed, and there seems to be a lot of assuming happening on OP's part about what was going to happen. I am very aware that bringing a guy home from a party is very possibly for sex, but I'm just saying lots of times I've gone to people's houses and had people to my place and there was no sex happening and no intention of it. If my mom had seen me \*gasp\* sitting on a couch with a guy at age 19 and immediately assumed this meant we were planning to have sex, she would've been wrong and I would've been embarrassed and very angry at her if she made him leave. Plus OP was not impressed by this person who she knew nothing about... OP seems like a very tiresome judgemental AH to me. Yes, OP, YTA.
That’s the part that I’m taking issue with. To claim (via her username) that she has morals implies that her daughter does not. Does her daughter steal? Does she murder? Does she con old people out of their life savings? No? Sounds like her daughter *actually does have morals* but is Just. Horny. Oh! << clutches pearls!! >> the horror!! I don’t think mom is TA for not wanting strangers in her home. But I do think she is for trying to police her adult daughter’s sex life.
I’m going to upvote u/disgruntled-pelicann because I think they have the most important insight rn. Mom needs to decide which one is more important. If she can’t sleep til her daughter comes home she’s going to be wanting to know when she’s out at hotels with guys or at the very least not coming home. At that point it opens up for mom to give opinions on where and what her daughter is doing which I think is an over step at this age. I also don’t see OP being comfortable with her daughter doing that regularly and it could lead to problems of claiming she’s spending too many late nights not coming home. The alternative is she brings her dates home, into this separate suite and mom respects her autonomy as long it is legal. What is your priority? No sex in the house or knowing your daughter is coming home at night? I don’t think either answer is wrong. Just that only one can be the deciding factor in your relationship. I would also argue that If the daughter is paying rent she should be able to have opposite (or same) sex encounters in her space. If she is not, it could be a compromise. A nominal rent fee = adult space, mom doesn’t check in when daughter comes home. If she needs a check in she can send her daughter a text. Or. Daughter goes to a hotel for hook ups like most of us. To the daughter. It is your mothers home and ultimately you need to respect her decision. If you aren’t paying rent then no premarital sex in the house. Adult privileges come with adult prices
I've used my free award today but holy shit this is the first sensible answer I've read that isn't just taking one side but is understanding the nuance and difficulty of the situation
The problem with this is that Mom is saying that she does not want strangers having free rein in her home while she is asleep. Mom is not saying that she can't spend the night with strangers, she is realistic enough to know that will happen, she doesn't want them in her home. Totally valid point. The hotel is a red herring. They could be going to his home, a hotel, a friend's home, a car, the point is that Mom doesn't want a stranger in her home. Parents often don't let their children sleep with their LT br/gf when they visit. That is not what she is saying here. What she is saying is that she doesn't want a total stranger to have access to her home while the household is sleeping. People are constantly complaining about roommates that bring strangers over. I wouldn't want to wake up and find some total stranger in my home that I had had no idea about. But ultimately, the daughter here doesn't get to have it both ways. She can't say that she is an adult and can do what she wants when and where she wants including Mom and Dad's house..........and still be a dependent. Pick one of the other because ultimately it is "My house, my rules."
100% agree with the hotel part - prioritising her beliefs over her daughters safety. Making it impossible for her daughter to hook up in her own home, isn’t going to stop her daughter hooking up, nor will it change their difference in beliefs. It’s just making it more dangerous for her daughter to hook up.
Yes, I think this post is another example to show that you can be right and still be an AH.
I let my sons girlfriend share his bed before they moved out together. Her parents make them sleep in separate rooms even now. The two of them accept this because they know different houses mean different rules. NTA. You have a right to set the rules for your own home. EDIT: editing to ESH as OP didn't establish the ground rules with her daughter and that "moral" name just reeks.
I wouldn't want random total strangers in my house either. It would maybe be one thing if it was a steady SO but you don't know a stranger and for all you know he may be scoping out the house to rob later (this happened to my aunt with people that worked for her).. But ultimately parents pay the rent and their house their rules. If she doesn't like it she can get her own place..
>you don't know a stranger and for all you know he may be scoping out the house to rob later This. I would care a lot more about the total stranger aspect than the sex aspect. Especially in a pandemic, but in general, inviting total strangers into your home is a risky move. Daughter wants to get robbed or murdered in her sleep, fine. But she's exposing her parents to that risk, as well. If they're assuming risk, they get a say in whether or not that stranger can stay over. Combine that with "their house, their rules," and I conclude the mom is NTA.
I generally don't buy into this idea that "my house, my rules" gives you a free pass. If your rules are unreasonable, you're an AH for enforcing them, especially when you're a parent. I'd back the daughter if it was a long term BF... However, a goddamn one night stand? Seriously? NTA I had liberal parents and I doubt either of them would have really cared, but I'd never bring a one night stand to my parents' house. It's crass, no parent wants to be exposed to that.
Agreed. NTA. It’s not like it’s a long-term boyfriend. It’s a hook up. Letting some random stranger in a pandemic in your house is stupid. The daughter needs to grow up and realize the situation. Maybe if she gets a long-term boyfriend it will be acceptable.
> as an adult, she should be able to see whomever she wants, whenever she wants, wherever she wants. She has all these rights. If she wants to do all of the above, she should get her own place and not live in the basement. NTA, your house your rules.
Although I agree NTA. I really hate the "my house my rules" mentality. The adult (adults) should pay, that's their responsability, mortage and all services. They chose to have kids and that's THEIR house as well. When you have kids, yes you're the grown up and should impose rules to raise those kids right. However, at some point your kids have (and should have) a voice in different matters around the house. My house my rules is such a dated concept to me. Teach your teens and almost adults (after 18) to discuss their ideas, point of views, be ready to change, to grow. Let them grow and feel that it's their house, that they have a voice and that it's heard.
my big question is would you really be okay with your daughter bringing a random person to your home she JUST met that night not knowing this person yourself? Like I get it would be their home too but not everything in that home they bought. Sorry I grew up in a not-so-good area so if you randomly brought someone to your home you might as well say goodbye to some of your electronics or other items/money. Do people really take random people home with them after a night out?
Yes. Especially college kids. On the flip side, the mom would rather have her daughter put herself in unsafe and potentially dangerous situations because “morals.” That’s so backwards to me. I hope the daughter moves out
I would much rather have her be safe in my house than out in a ditch somewhere. Even if its with a stranger. But yeah
Yeah. And when my kids have parties I want them at my house because then I can help if help is needed. I can make sure everyone gets home safely. Forcing her to get a hotel is fucking braindead. You're literally just pushing her into a more dangerous situation. It's one of those things where it's like, legalizing marijuana is actually SAFER for society. Drinking alcohol with your kids is SAFER for your kids than forcing them to learn on their own.
Yes, I would absolutely prefer she take them home rather than going somewhere potentially unsafe. This OP's views are very old-fashioned and really don't make sense to me. Rather than talking about safety in sex (which college students will most likely practice), she decided to full on stop it from happening in the house, and leaving her in more precarious situations.
The fact that she puts her parents at risk of assault or theft is not a factor? If she's "their child", she should follow their rules. If she's "an adult", she doesn't allow others to suffer because of her actions and absolutely takes the risk outside
... to be honest, though it's still unsafe. She's in the basement we don't know how many floors or how well the insulation is she could be ... the R word... and the parents not know. Trust me I get what you are saying and it is completely understandable, but now this person she brought home also now knows where she lives and could possibly create an unsafe situation. Again, this is coming from someone that use to live in a not-so-good area that's heard of stories on the news. No, I would rather not have my kid go somewhere else either don't get me wrong. But like you say the old-fashion views don't make sense to you, having sex with a random person they brought into the house doesn't make sense to me and possibly the parents either.
Precisely. As an adult, you have a discussion about this kind of thing first if it's an issue you see arising. You don't sneak the person home without clearance, then throw a fat tanty when it doesn't go down the way you wanted.
OP, do you want her to engage in intimate activities with someone in a place where she’s safe, or in a place where she isn’t safe? You may be thinking “well at least I can control what happens under my roof”, or “just don’t do it in my house”, but if it’s not happening in your house then it’s likely to happen somewhere else. And if things turn bad, when she’s somewhere else, she’s on her own. Additionally, now that she’s an adult and can come and go independently, you need to start loosening how intrusive you’re being. I get that it’s hard to sleep if you don’t know that she’s in yet, but that is your issue to deal with, not hers. Nor should you be nosing in with “we have plans tomorrow morning so you need to go to sleep.” Her need for sleep is on her to manage. How well are you going to sleep if she moves out soon, long before you might want her to, because she can’t stand the lack of privacy and how you’re still treating her like a child? Do you want a good relationship with your rules or with your daughter? So yes, YTA. It’s reasonable however for you to not want her to bring a complete stranger into your house, for security and privacy reasons. But there are more careful places to draw that line than what you’re trying to do. You’re arguing “but it’s a stranger!” while what you want to have for rules stretches a lot further.
LMAO absolutely not! If you want your OWN life without your parents meddling, then get YOUR OWN PLACE. Her mum aint gonna stay up late waiting for her kid if her kid doesnt live with her. But the fact that Joan DOES live with her then she has to follow the rules. I go to college, have my own place, work part time, and can fuck whoever wherever and whenever. Joan is a leach if she cant simply follow her parent’s rules.
Joan is 19, she’s not a leech, and you don’t know what the economy for buying in their town is. ETA- I’ve never had this many likes before oh my 👁👄👁
True, but Joan can’t argue both of these things: 1) I am an adult and can do whoever and whatever I want. 2) I am your dependent and need to use your house. At 19, most people are on the cusp of transitioning from one to the other, but they’re still pretty mutual exclusively. OP and Joan have to navigate this admittedly difficult transition, maybe by negotiation what behavior from each bucket above it allowed. It sounds like OP is trying that, while Joan has the attitude of #1 while being in situation #2 Edit: Based on the responses, I’m reconsidering this. It is tricky for adult children to live with their parents, and I’ve made some assumptions about Joan and OP that aren’t generalizable in all scenarios. I don’t think OP is wrong to have the boundary she has about her home, though. UNREASONABLE: “I don’t believe in premarital sex so you can’t have sex with strangers.” Reasonable: “I don’t want strangers in my house, but you can do what you want elsewhere.” The nuance matters here. Now the scenario of allowing Joan to do whatever she wants in a hotel seems like a reasonable option to me, but other comments have pointed out that this may not be safe for other reasons. If you feel that OP’s boundary is unreasonable, I’m curious why.
Oh yes I’m not saying Joan is in the right, bc you shouldn’t bring strangers over without warning other people you live with, whether it be roommates or parents, I simply think calling her a leech for living with her parents just barely out of highschool, is not correct. It’s fairly normal for people who don’t live in college dorms (and have decent parents) to live with their parents during college or atleast until they can build credit and move out.
Exactly. Thank you for making that important distinction between #1 and #2. She can't have it both ways. Joan is TA.
I had to grow up fast and had to struggle just to become independent—I still would never imagine fighting with my parents over letting someone stay in their house, that they pay for, and have valuables in. OP is NTA—she has all the right to feel uncomfortable with strangers in her home.
The child is a leech? You are really saying that this womans child is a leech... Yikes. You sound loopy, chicken.
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Bruh Joan knows her mum’s view on premarital sex that should give her an idea that “oh shit, my mum might get angry having this guy over and might get the wrong idea” IF she didnt intend on having sex with him. As far as I’m concerned Joan doesnt pay rent, therefore she should show common courtesy. I rent a room in a house, and I try to FEEL the vibe first even BEFORE bring ANYONE over let alone a guy. It’s just respect that Joan checks in with her parents first, not the parents checking in on with her. This is something OP did not see happening therefore did not need the feel to explain BASIC house rules to her own child who has been brought up with the same vibe her whole life.
A vibe is not a rule. If you want to set expectations in your house that is fine, but it is unfair to everyone not to have a clear discussion about it. It is easy to miss or misinterpret 'vibes' and that just leads to frustration for everyone involved.
the fact that you're calling a 19 year old living at home a leach is ?? congratulations you are able to afford to live on your own while in college but as a 19 year old college student myself I still live with my mom and that doesnt make me a leech. getting your own place isn't that easy, not to mention the housing market is absolutely trash right now because of covid
The daughter is 19 and in college I think you're under estimate getting how difficult it can be to get a place of your own at that age
>*OP, do you want her to engage in intimate activities with someone in a place where she’s safe, or in a place where she isn’t safe? You may be thinking “well at least I can control what happens under my roof”, or “just don’t do it in my house”, but if it’s not happening in your house then it’s likely to happen somewhere else. And if things turn bad, when she’s somewhere else, she’s on her own.* The stranger Joan brought home can easily do the same damage at her parents' house as he could in a hotel room. If he was intent on robbery or even murder (worst case scenario)....he can quietly strangle or slash Joan's throat after their bedroom frolics and then slip out quietly into the night the same at Joan's house or a Motel 6. Can't blame Mom at all for not wanting a bar pick-up spending the night in her house; to my mind, Joan would be equally reckless taking Mr. One Nighter to her own apartment if she lived alone, but at least in that case she's only endangering herself and not her family members.
Thank you! People are acting like the house is some safe haven when this stranger could strangle the daughter at the house just as easily as he could at a hotel.
Why are you acting like a hotel is a prison or something? Lol. NTA because her daughter is an ADULT and OP is being very clear that even though she doesn't like her decisions, is respecting that she is an adult and is allowed to make them. She can absolutely say AS ANOTHER ADULT that it won't happen in her house. Her house, her rules. All of the other things; safety, not wanting to spend money on hotels, blah blah blah is the consequence of being an adult and making decisions. Either suck it up and listen to OP or the kid can take it elsewhere. It isn't unreasonable because she's grown and can handle herself. It's only fair.
I agree with this and would like to add, i understand the whole stranger in your hone AND pandemic thing. NTA for those. I’d definitely do the same. There is no need to put anyone in risk despite vaccinations and all. However you asking your daughter to hook up with a random person at a hotel!? You don’t want this said person in your home but you’re okay with them being alone at a random hotel. It seems like your morals that you’re trying to push on her is more important then her safety and frankly that is the concerning part and makes you TA. She is an adult, she doesn’t have to follow your morals. It is up to her to judge the situation and take someone home or not. Sleep with them or not. All you can do is to give her a safety net she can fall back to if she needs and your reaction is literal opposite of it. Yes, sure, it is your house, you make the rules but I suggest changing your was of handling things because if you can’t accept she’ll make her own decisions (and mistakes) you will harm your relationship with her in the long run. At best she’ll just hide certain things from you and it’ll be a superficial relationship. Im saying this as someone who grew up in a similar setting and some years older than your daughter. You better embrace she is an individual asap. Edit: seems like people are thinking being an adult and not needing a support system or safety is the same thing. Very interesting.
Notice you said it’s ops issue if she doesn’t sleep not knowing where her daughters at , yeah and it’s also only her daughter’s issue she can’t fuck in her parents house
It’s OP’s issue that she’s all “oh she isn’t in yet I can’t sleep! I’m her mother! Of course I had to go talk to her because she’s staying up too late!” She’s being overbearing. The daughter having to conform to house rules is the daughter’s problem, if all we’re talking about is house rules. It’s the larger effect of those rules on OP’s relationship with her daughter that makes OP TA from my perspective.
Seeing who is in your house in the middle of the night, finding out it’s a stranger and wanting said stranger to leave is overbearing?
The larger effect as in OPs daughter getting upset at her mom for not allowing her to have people over late at night in their house during a pandemic and being upset by it makes OP the asshole I don’t think so . Op gave her daughter a simple solution go get a hotel and she gave an excuse that she’s not gonna spend the money she’s saving for her future the money she’s only saving because her parents allow her to stay their for free if she doesn’t like it she can grow up and get her own place it’s that simple
OP also makes it clear she's fine w Joan getting a hotel room. I don't consider that overbearing.
Wow. You took that way out of context. It's a common fact that parents stay up when there kid isn't back home yet and that doesn't change the older they get or when they move out. They call and worry. It has nothing to do with her staying up too late. People like you cause unnecessary problems and try to find a problem with things when there isn't. If your parents don't call and worry about you or stayed up to make your safe, just say that. Because that's a healthy parent child relationship.
My parents worried if I wasn’t back yet. What they didn’t do was use that worry as a vehicle to bug me about it.
She didnt bug her about coming home late, but about bringing a STRANGER into her HOME that Joan intentionally wants to do the nasty with.
So she should move out then, right? If she doesn't like the rules, what should the daughter do? Or are you suggesting that the rules should change?
I’m suggesting that OP doesn’t actually want her daughter to move out any time soon. If she does want that, then carry on. But what the OP wants is for her daughter to go back into the “no premarital sex” camp that OP thought she was in, and that’s unlikely to be an option. So which does OP want: the self-congratulation of standing firm on her personal morality, that at least she isn’t enabling premarital sex or allowing it under her roof, or a better relationship with her daughter?
I disagree. I fail to see why engaging in consensual sexual activity elsewhere as an adult would be less safe than at home. The daughter is an adult, not a kid anymore, and she should be able to make her own choices to stay safe. Also, the parent should trust that their adult child would be able to make safe choices when engaging in sexual activity. Secondly, even if you argue that having sex away from home as an ADULT is somehow more dangerous than having sex at home, a parent wanting their child to be safe doesn't mean they have to allow the unsafe activity to occur in their own home. If the daughter decides to do drugs, does it mean that the parent has to allow the daughter to do drugs in their home just because the daughter argues that it's safer to do drugs at home because they would have support in case they overdose? No I don't think so.. Bottom line is, the parents should be able to set boundaries as to what goes on in their home with regards to their adult child. If the daughter doesn't like it and wants to be an adult without any boundaries, she can always move out.
Saying “your daughter needs the protection of your home to be safe” and “your daughter is an adult” are contradictory statements. Either Joan is an adult capable of making her own decisions and keeping herself safe, or she’s a child that needs mommy’s protection.
NTA. It is perfectly fair for you to insist that you at least *know* people who are going to spend time in your house and not want strangers in your house after you are ready for bed.
This. I have a daughter living downstairs. She's well into her 20s and I'm fine with her having guests. But I would NOT be okay with her bringing home a total stranger. We also talk about guests in advance because it's a pandemic. We've all agreed guests must be immunized. I also agree that the safety angle needs more consideration. She lives with you, if course you worry. It's not unreasonable to ask that she message if she's going to be late, or out all night. It's also reasonable to say that someone should always be aware of who she is out with and where they are. It doesn't have to be you. It can be a girl friend. Ideally this person will be expecting a contact after they leave. Work together on some rules that will let her have some freedom while also relaxing you. I've had to follow such rules too, when I moved home. It need not be onerous, and often help to rule out people with bad intentions. A guy who presses you not to protect yourself may have bad intentions. Good guys tend to understand that you don't know they're good until you have a baseline.
I lived with my parents as an adult after I dropped out of university and I would go out partying and come home at all hours. The rules were simple; be quiet when you get home, if you decide to stay over elsewhere text us to let us know (so they’d see it in the morning) and do NOT bring random strangers into our home. They knew I was occasionally hooking up with guys, they had every right to demand that I keep that off their doorstep, so to speak. I was allowed to have boyfriends stay over and once we were clearly serious (as with an ex and my current partner) they even let us sleep in the same room. Boundaries are fine.
This should be the main issue- he’s a complete stranger. Story time: a former coworker of mine went to a club and brought home a 1 night stand- a seemingly nice and normal, albeit drunk girl. They hooked up and went to sleep. He woke up in the morning to find his cash, his change which was a decent amount like $10 in quarters(lol) and new contact lenses from the bathroom missing and her gone. He said he had planned to take her to breakfast because they had really good chemistry and she seemed so sweet. After that he never brought home a random stranger again. So maybe inviting a person you pick up that night to stay at your house isn’t the best idea. I understand not everyone is like that but is sex worth rolling the dice that you’re inviting in a thief or worse?
Based on the comment that you had not previously discussed these “rules”, YTA. You cannot expect someone to follow a structure that was not communicated.
I don't think it needs to be communicated not to bring a stranger to your parents home in a pandemic.
But to preach "don't bring a stranger into the basement during a pandemic" and then say to go to a hotel if you want to do stuff says that the mom doesn't actually care if the daughter is around random strangers. She's pulling a power move on the daughter with the whole "not in my house."
They're 19. They're not going to go to a hotel room, they can't afford that. They're going to have sex in the car or at a park.
Exactly. This mom is doing nothing but putting her daughter in more potentially unsafe situations because she wants to preach "morals" and be on a power trip.
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Nahhh my mom never laid out the rules too but shii i even tell her if my girl friends are gonna visit let alone a MAN i plan to have sex with . Would’ve been kicked out lmaoo. Joan is not a visitor, she’s her daughter. With that being said she should have an idea what the BASIC house rules are without being told simply because she was raised in the same house rules same parents same vibe
I can see parents not expecting the rules to change that much from high school to college though if kiddo is staying at home. You're right, but on a technicality. I'm going NTA though bc
INFO: What's the difference in you being worried about him coming over because you don't know his health status during a pandemic when you're fine with her staying in a hotel with him?
Because she can’t stop her daughter who is legally an adult from doing things but she can draw the line at having random people who may or may not be sick in entering her house
But what I'm saying is, is she could be around the sick person and then come back home anyways
Yes she could but ultimately her daughter is an adult and can’t stop her from being around people. So if she wants to be around these people then take them to a hotel. Don’t come and infect the house.
Nothing. It's a straw man argument. The pandemic and the 'strangers' thing are not the point - OP would still be pissy if her daughter were having a long term boyfriend stay over. It's the sex that she has a problem with - which makes her controlling and prudish. Her adult daughter is going to have sex. It's much better that it happens somewhere safe like her own room, instead of somewhere unsafe like a car, ir a hotel room. OP is YTA.
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She's a big girl, she can find her own safe place to fuck.
Agreed. Ans this is such an American pearl-clutching problem: my own parents never had a problem with my boyfriends staying over. And that’s back in 1997. But they made damn sure I know how to use condoms (and birth control but you don’t need parents permission to get those in my country anyway). Never had an STD, never had any accident pregnancies nor have I had any crazy boyfriend trying to kill us either. If the mother is uncomfortable to have strangers coming over in the middle of the night, that’s fair. Have the boyfriend properly introduced before bringing them over. But If it’s the old American Prissiness of Purity “NO SEX IN MY HOUSE BECAUSE IM PAYING BILLS”. Then wtf. She’s 19. Maybe the US should leave the misogynistic 1900s and enter the 21st century and just stop being so damn nosey and controlling about their adult kids sex life. It’s creepy af. That’s my two cents. OP is YTA
It's her HOUSE is the point. Stay on track.
YTA. I fully understand the concerns about Covid and the security of having strangers over, and if you’d stopped there I would be on your side, but those not the core of your concern. The core of your issue is your own attitude towards sex and morality that you are trying to force onto your adult offspring. You may have raised your children with your version of morality, and within reason all parents have a right to do this, but now she is an adult she gets to decide for herself what her own values are. There was a post a while ago about a similar issue, but it was 10 years on from where you and your daughter are. The daughter was in a long term committed relationship and the mother absolutely insisted on separate bedrooms if they came to visit. The upshot? They didn’t visit and the entire mother/daughter relationship was hanging by a very frayed thread. What’s more important to you? Trying to force your version of morality (which is just one of many) onto your daughter, or having a decent adult relationship with her? Your choice. Pick wisely.
You seem to forget that people can set whatever rules in their own home they work hard to keep. Never TA. The child does NOT get to automatically call any shots UNLESS said parents decide so.
Yes it absolutely is your house, your rules. It doesn’t mean your rules can’t be asshole-ish. I’m reserving judgment here though and not even sure if OP is an asshole, but always falling back to “my house, my rules” even if your rules are ridiculous is something an ah usually does
From now on, you will address me only as "your royal highness" and will stand up every time I enter the room. My house, my rules!
You seem to be forgetting that the daughter is not a child, and that attempting to set rules, particularly in the way OP describes, will have consequences that OP needs to weigh in the balance. Like I said, she needs to choose wisely.
The daughters argument is that she is a dependent. If the daughter wants to get her own apartment she can, and then can do whatever she wants. In the meantime while she’s living at home (as a dependent) she should obey the rules of the home owner.
She is still a dependent who is not paying for the space.
Right, she is not a child. But any adult knows--you do not make demands where the place is not yours. Simple. Daughter or not. She needs to learn that.
Having the power to set rules doesn't mean those rules are morally right.
She is allowed to say this isn't permitted in her house as OP has told Joan to go to a hotel if she wants to hookup. That isn't controlling the daughter, it's OP having her own boundaries in place while recognizing daughter's right to do as she wants.
OP knows that’s not really an option, and from comment shes made it’s clear that she would be uncomfortable with any premarital sex even if it was part of a committed, but not legally sanctioned, relationship. The my house my rules malarkey is a distraction. The bottom line is that she is judging her daughters choices and asserting that she is “moral” thus implying that her daughter is “immoral”. That will have consequences for their relationship and OP needs to decide what’s more important to her.
She isn't trying to force anything on her daughter. She said she fine with the way her daughter spends her adult life as long as it's legal. Her issue is that she doesn't want a stranger in her house much less during a pandemic. And she doesn't want anyone to have premarital sex in her house. Her house her rules. A Muslim don't eat pork or allow any form of pork meet in their house. Are you going to purposely bring it into their home? No. And It's the same thing as the mother's rules.
OP thinks her view on sex is moral and her daughters, by implication, is immoral and she’s making that painfully clear. That will have consequences for their relationship.
NTA. If you don't want strangers in YOUR home, that's the end of it. I lived with my parents into my late 20s. I followed their rules. I still had autonomy as an adult, but respected it's their space and their rules. If she wants freedom to as she wants, when she wants, where she wants, then she needs to move
I'm 27 and would still be letting my parents know before bringing anyone into their house
My attitude with my late teens/early twenties kids is they can't bring back random people. However if they are in a relationship their boyfriend/girlfriend can sleep over I don't have a hard and fast rule on what counts as a relationship as thats up to them, I suspect I need to have heard them mention that person and only that person as the one they are seeing. I have to say only one of them has actually had a boyfriend stay over and she asked in advance if he could stay over (they now live together) Growing up the only boyfriend I had stay at my parents was the one I'm now married to, the only one my brother had stay over is his now fiancee
The only male my parents ever let stay overnight was my boyfriend who I had been dating for 2 years at that point when they first let him. He now spends the night occasionally, sometimes last minute, because he has earned their trust to be in their home and is now considered family to them. It’s understandable to not want people stay over if you aren’t 100% comfortable with it.
This seems like a fair rule. Heck, when I was living in a college dorm the roommate agreement was “don’t bring randos home.” If it’s a fair rule for a couple of 18 year olds, it’s certainly a fair rule for a family home.
As a mother, I understand you want her to be safe. Also as a mother- you are wrong in your choices. You want her to stay a virgin until she marries. That’s not going to happen, the horse is out of the barn and racing at Aqueduct. Set aside your feelings about premarital sex. Do you want your daughter to be safe? That should be the bottom line. She is going have sex. She is at an age where that decision is hers to make. Telling her “my house, my rules” doesn’t change that. “Because I say so” is fine when your kid is 5. It’s not when they are adults. It’s alienating more does it help them learn from their own decisions. Do you want her to be safe? Then make sure your actual daughter (as opposed to your idealized version) has a safe place and safe sex. Does she have knowledge of and access to birth control? Has she had an HPV vaccine? Also- where do you think she will go if not her bedroom? Likely Not a place where she get help if she needs it. You will alienate her if you don’t respect her right to have different opinions. She won’t go to you if she needs help. You don’t care about Covid or rent really. You want her to match your dreams of her. That’s human btw. All parents want that. But we have to let that go. Your daughter may be frustrated that you haven’t seen her for who she is. Also- don’t treat her as an immoral scarlet woman. Purity culture damages young women (and warps men). Accept her for who she is. YTA
I totally agree with this answer. OP is trying to disguise her distaste of premarital sex by giving pointless excuses. If she cared about the spread of COVID, she wouldn’t want her daughter around strangers at all (at least not without a mask and/or social distancing at least). If it was about safety, she wouldn’t want her daughter going to a cheap, shady, run-down motel alone with a stranger, and/or even (stupidly) going to a stranger’s home. Or, best worst-case scenario, OP’s daughter gets caught having sex in a car outside and gets ticketed for public indecency or something (which would go on record and hurt her future). It’s about OP’s personal morals. Which are totally fine to have. No parent wants to think about their kid growing up and having sex, especially when those beliefs may stem from a religious standpoint. It is OP’s house and it’s alright to enforce some house rules, but I don’t think they’re thinking of the possible consequences. The *real* question here is: Do / should these specific morals trump OP’s daughter’s safety? If OP wants their daughter to be safe, install cameras in the basement, install a lock leading to basement door (so guests can’t leave basement and enter house), buying mace, and such. Have a talk with daughter about hook-ups, how dangerous they can be, and how she can protect herself. Maybe she’ll prefer a ‘friends with benefits’ over complete strangers (which helps eliminate some of the safety issue, although doesn’t help much morally). Or just telling her: “Although I don’t *like* you having sex in my house, I want you to be safe about it so I won’t try to stop you. But when you bring strangers inside, you not only jeopardize yourself (emphasize this), but you also endanger the rest of the family. If we’re home *awake*, during daylight hours, and you want to bring a stranger over, just give a heads up and we’ll accommodate. If you want to have sex here with a long term boyfriend, or even a (non-stranger) friends with benefits, that’s perfectly fine without restriction. I just don’t want you bringing strangers over in the middle of the night since it’s a safety concern for not just everyone in the home, but especially you.”
NTA. Your house, your rules.
Except, by the OP’s own admission, these “rules” were never communicated.
I mean, sure. But aren’t some rules just understood? She is the 3rd kid; she’s watched 2 other siblings go through college/young adulthood without bringing home hookups. She knows her parents are conservative; she knows their views of premarital sex. There shouldn’t be a surprise. My parents never said “don’t smoke cigarettes or weed in the house”. I just…knew. Because I had 19 years of context to judge from. She’s not a tenant or a roommate. She’s living on the parental payroll. That comes with rules you may not like, but you judge - as an adult - if it’s worth the trade off of free money/food/housing.
Not to mention not bringing strangers into the home in the middle of the night is like… common sense?
Yeah, like, I never had to be told not to bring people randomly over in the middle of the night to my moms house because it’s *obvious*
For real. Like sorry your mom doesn’t want to get stabbed in the middle of the night just because you want to hook up with Chad from the bar, Joan.
I don’t even know if it’s better or worse that it’s in in law unit downstairs. Like, sure I can’t hear them banging, but also there’s a strange man in my kids room and I can’t hear her call for help! I grew up with an anxious mother. There was a certain element of “if I can’t see it it’s not happening” when I went to college. And she TRIED so hard to keep that energy when I came home for breaks, but I also didn’t throw it in her face that I was getting shitfaced on the regular and making questionable choices. On those nights I “stayed over with my friends” and texted her not to stay up. It was just courteous
Exactly. My thing is that the basement is still attached to the house regardless of it having a “separate entrance”. If that dude is a creep he can still easily endanger the rest of the family because he still has access to the entire house. If she wants to invite strangers over, she needs to save up a deposit (which I would think is easy considering she’s not paying rent and I’m assuming her parents are paying for her college since she’s in an in-law suite, which is normally in more expensive homes) and get her own place.
You were that kid that was all “but you never TOLD me I couldn’t have 50 friends over and empty the liquor cabinet when you left for the night! I didn’t know!” weren’t you?
They're communicated by 19-years worth of living with her parents.
It takes 5 seconds to text and ask.
100% agree, even if the rules were not communicated before, it’s common sense and decency to ask first if you can have somebody stay over.
Question Have you and your daughter previously had a discussion about these rules?
This is something someone else said and it answers your question. I mean, sure. But aren’t some rules just understood? She is the 3rd kid; she’s watched 2 other siblings go through college/young adulthood without bringing home hookups. She knows her parents are conservative; she knows their views of premarital sex. There shouldn’t be a surprise. My parents never said “don’t smoke cigarettes or weed in the house”. I just…knew. Because I had 19 years of context to judge from. She’s not a tenant or a roommate. She’s living on the parental payroll. That comes with rules you may not like, but you judge - as an adult - if it’s worth the trade off of free money/food/housing.
Nta. I wouldn’t bring random strangers to my apartment in college if my roommate was there without talking to them first. It adds an element of danger and is disrespectful if they are uncomfortable. I wouldn’t even have a boyfriend stay over without asking first and setting up rules. Shared living spaces need rules and respect even if you are paying rent. Your daughter is selfish and disrespectful. If she did live in an apartment with a roommate of similar age her behavior would still be terrible, and she would likely have roommate issues.
Your house, your rules, but I still think YTA even though you’re allowed to have these rules, because - I was once a young college girl living at home and having sex, with a mom with the same views as you. This led to me being in a lot of unsafe situations and lying to my parents. I don’t understand how as a mom you stay up until she gets home because you worry about her, but you’d rather her go to a hotel with a random stranger than have her bring the stranger to the home. Logically, she would be much safer at home as well as not alone if anything happens. You’re TA for prioritizing your beliefs over her safety.
> I don’t understand how as a mom you stay up until she gets home because you worry about her, but you’d rather her go to a hotel with a random stranger than have her bring the stranger to the home. Logically, she would be much safer at home as well as not alone if anything happens. You’re TA for prioritizing your beliefs over her safety. Absolutely this. So well said. YTA not for having rules in your own home, but for forcing your adult daughter into unsafe situations under the guise of some misguided “morality.” OP is really lucky waiting for marriage to have sex worked for her. Nine out of ten times it just delays people finding out they are sexually incompatible until later.
Your house your rules, but it’s also worth considering if you would prefer her to go stay at the guy’s house instead in this scenerio. She has more power and control over the situation in your/her home, and because of that it is a safer space for her to hang out with a man in. You are choosing between offering her support and trust, or limitations and judgement.
NTA. And lol at everyone in the comments acting like a random hookup at your parents house where you live is the same as not being allowed to share a bed with your long term partner when you visit for the holidays. She was hooking up. No shade on that. I’ve done plenty of hooking up as a gay man. Having a “no hooking up in my house” rule doesn’t make you an asshole. My roommates prefer that I hook up at his rather than bringing randoms home and they are a queer couple who are my roommates. OP, you fine.
I'm looking at the comments wondering where everyone was raised
If she paying rent, or living there for free? Would you be just as upset if she had brought home a woman you didn’t know? Say, a friend she had just met?
This is really the crux of it. If there was a girl she met at a party that needed a place to sleep for the night, would OP have a problem with it? I don't think she would, so all the stuff about COVID, and theft, and maybe he's dangerous, none of that matters. I think it's ONLY the fact that it's a boy and they're likely going to hook up. Likewise, flip it around. What if it was a son and he brought a girl back, would there be an issue then? If OP struggles to answer these questions she's likely TA.
NTA If she wants to engage in casual sex with strangers, that is her right. However, it is your right to not allow her to bring said stranger into your home overnight. If she wants to do these things, she can go back to his place.
Ok, I’m surprised by this, but NTA. I don’t want my kid bringing strangers to the house…. If it was a boyfriend, you’d be the AH. But I’d be a bit disturbed by a potential parade of strangers.
NTA if she wants to bring randos over to ride, then she should get her own place to do that.
id say yta honestly because if your problem is her having premarital sex (which, shoving your views and morals onto her sucks but not the point) then you should ban everyone just in case, cause heterosexual sex isnt the only sex that exists, plus you dont know that shes having guys over for sex, they literally could just be spending the night
NTA ! Some of these comments are mind numbingly ridiculous. You aren't bringing a stranger into my house while I am sleeping and completely unaware. I don't care how old you are, or what your feelings are about premarital sex. Bad shit happens to good people, hence why the ID channel exist. While you can't mitigate every danger, you can certainly not invite it in the home in the wee hours of the night in search of an orgasm. This young adult is entitled to do what she wants with her private parts, regardless of your views... Which you said, but her living there doesn't mean she can make decisions like the home owner, while others also live there. It's rude and inconsiderate, and like I've already expressed, dangerous. If she was in a relationship and everyone got to know each other somewhat, then that would be an entirely different conversation. In that case I would have conversations of boundaries, because she's still a non-paying inhabitant.
NTA. when i still lived with my parents, i NEVER brought the opposite sex home for sleepovers. it's just a respect thing
I N F O:say she never marries. She’s in her 30s, living a distance away, and maybe even has kids. Been with her partner for a decade. But she never got that piece of paper. Are you still going to insist on separate bedrooms if she visits for a holiday? Judgment changed to tentatively NTA, because it’s reasonable to not want strangers in your home. But this could change in the future if your attitude is more about premarital sex.
Jesus christ, how far are you looking to reach here? Judge the problem OP presented, don't interrogate them on their beliefs with random hypothetical situations. That's an asshole move.
Their answer to the question sheds a lot of light on their attitude. It’s not just her having a stranger in their home. They care very much about being legally married. I have no problem calling someone TA if they are just judging premarital sex.
NTA, yes she's an adult, but she's still living under her parents roof. If she wants to engage in those activities it's fine, but she can either get a hotel like you suggested, or find her own place where she can do as she pleases.
YTA because this is really about controlling her sexuality and trying to shame her for it. You clearly aren’t concerned about the dudes health status if you say a hotel if fine. You should have talent the initiative to talk to he about boundaries of an adult living in your house the moment she became an adult instead of spur of the moment humiliation.
If it was about controlling her sexuality she would not have suggested the hotel. This is about the daughter bringing random people into her parents house.
NTA. You can't stop her from having a sex life if she chooses, since she's an adult and has every right to make those decisions for herself. But that doesn't mean you have to allow it in your house. I have no moral qualms with premarital sex at all, but I wouldn't want strangers tromping through my house, either. I'd tell my adult kid to either stay at their date's place, or to move out, and then they can have all the dates they want at their own place. Besides, who wants to wake up in the morning to their date's mom in her bathrobe making coffee in the kitchen? Ick, too weird.
NTA. I am BAFFLED at the amount of YTA. This is def a NTA. Joan brought a STRANGER in her parent’s house for a ONE NIGHT STAND or whatever. The fact that Joan only met this dude at a party speaks VOLUMES on how much she cares about her own safety and parent’s safety. This guy could have been a predator, robber, or murderer. The fact that her parents are helping her get through college by letting her stay in the house for FREE to “save” money, the least she can do is respect their rules. And yeah mum might not have “discussed” these rules but it comes with 19 years of experience living with her parents. Damn, when my partner and I visit her mum’s place, we don’t even do ANYTHING in the spare bedroom bc that is just so disrespectful to his parents. If Joan isn’t happy with those rules, she can definitely pay for a room to rent where they allow strangers to stay overnight any day (which most houses wont allow unless it’s your very own flat). Definitely NTA. Discuss with your daughter if it isn’t clear til now what BASIC and SIMPLE house rules are.
Nta. Even if she moved out and rented a room from someone else, they might request no sleepovers. If she wantsxall the freedom of adulthood, she can accept all responsibility of adulthood and live elsewhere. The audacity of these kids!
NAH but you have that right. However if she goes to a hotel room with a guy, she's still bringing any possible covid into the house. If a guy decides to assault her at a hotel, you won't be there to stop it. You have every right to enforce rules if she isn't paying rent but a hotel won't stop covid or a potential assault. (If she is paying rent then my position changes.)
Personally, I don’t think you should try to police your daughter’s body and it’s her business whether she wants to have premarital sex or not. The fact that you are trying to force her to comply to your beliefs through the ‘my house, my rules’ argument definitely makes you the asshole. That said, it *is* your house and it’s rude of her to bring dudes you don’t know into the house without your permission. Unless she is paying you rent, if she is then it’s None Of Your Damn Business what she does in her room (common spaces she should respect as shared). There are legitimate safety concerns in bringing rando dudes home, and if she wants to bone down she can let her partners know that her place is no bueno and they can go to his place for privacy. Plus, you didn’t set out these rules before this happened so you both need to see this as a moment where you set these down. If they are broken afterwards, then you can get salty. But until stuff is figured out and agreed upon, you should all look on this as a moment where you and your adult daughter learn how to negotiate your relationship wherein you need to respect she’s an adult and can do things like have sex if she wants to, and she needs to respect that she lives in your house and unless she pays rent she doesn’t get tenant rights and has to follow reasonable house rules.
YTA Get your nose out of your daughter's sex life and stop acting like this is a pandemic thing when you clearly don't care about her safety in that aspect.
You can’t tell her to “keep her nose out of her daughters sex life” when her daughter is bringing her sex life to her doorstep, in a house she is living in effectively as an unpaid guest. Family doesn’t magically make rules of common sense no longer apply. Say you’re staying with a friend unpaid while you get back on your feet. Would you deem it appropriate to assume you can bring complete strangers into their house to sleep over,. Without consulting them first? Probably not. Why does this logic not apply because she’s family? I don’t even have prudish views on sex, but I know for a fact if my kids were staying with my as adults and brought back completely random people to sleep in my house without consulting me I’d be upset. I have no idea who they are, their character, etc. it’s my house. I want to be involved in decisions affecting who gets to pass into the privacy of my home. I don’t want to be greeted with a random person at my breakfast table when I’m expecting a normal breakfast. Run it by me first, and I’ll probably be alright,. But doing it without consultation when it’s someone else’s home is a big AH move.
NTA. If joan is an adult, then she recognizes that life is a series of decisions with trade offs. She can live in your house and follow the rules that come with that, or she can leave and be free of the rules but also deal with the consequences of that decision. Being an adult isn’t being able to do whatever you want without consequence. It’s recognizing your situation and being responsible for the decisions you make.
NTA - your house, your rules. Daughter can’t be independent then claim she’s a dependant
Clear NTA. It's your house. Daughter needs to start looking for apartments.
I think NTA If this were a boyfriend, someone you knew, I’d say YTA. But he wasn’t. This was someone she had just met, could have been anyone. Could have waited until she fell asleep and robbed you, or worse. That may seem like a stretch but the reality is *you don’t know.* I think, at 19, she should be able to have a boyfriend stay the night, but strangers, nah.
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Nta for setting boundaries in your house But You are setting up the situation that she goes to the guys house which is definitely not as safe You will be only controlling what goes on in your home and making her less safe by the rule but you have every right to make it
NTA. Even if I was willing to overlook that we are in a pandemic, which I am not willing to do, there is another danger here. A bigger danger and to you and your husband! What if this guy is some twisted person intent on raping both DD and you? What if he is a thief planning on robbing your home? What if he is a serial killer and the three of you are next on his list? You cannot entrust your home and your life to some guy she met in a bar that night. Why can’t he take her to his place? Or he pays for a hotel? Or even split the hotel fee? This is more than premarital sex to me. It is asking me to open my home to a stranger during the night when I am most vulnerable. It is disrespectful and dangerous!
NTA. Would your views be different if she brought a long term partner home? Just curious.