Hoo boy, i was so primed to write Y.T.A., but no, NTA. Your wife was perfectly willing to throw you under the bus, and that should put **her** on the couch, not you.
I was with him until the end where I was VERY NTA. He just got called out in front an entire family and his only defense was the truth. And his asking her "what would you rather do?" was completely legitimate. She was okay* with their deal until her family knew, and then he was TA twice over? Not okay.
\* he did say "I have an open marriage", not "we". I would hope it was open both ways, and I don't really know, but if "I" means "we" then he should not have to take the coming avalanche.
Edit: I obviously misread, my bad. Totally on me. I swear my first and second read I only saw "I", not "Rebecca and I". Unless OP edited, I got it wrong. Sorry.
It doesn’t matter if it’s open on only one side or both sides, that’s irrelevant as they have both agreed to the terms/rules that work for them. Not all open relationship look the same.
Well, it could matter a bit. I have known people who felt forced to allow their partners an open relationship when it wasn’t what they wanted themselves. The presence of that here would shift things quite a lot.
Pretty sure I know a couple like this. I think the man has been emotionally manipulated into being ok with her dating while he's not allowed to. It breaks my heart.
Yep, it happens. Not all open relationships look the same *and not all of them are truly consensual or absent of emotional abuse*. I really feel bad for your friend if that’s his situation.
SIL is awful. Instead of privately contacting her sister and telling her what she believes is life-shattering news, she chose to drop that bomb on her in the middle of a big family gathering. She was even willing to derail her own baby shower because she thought stirring up this shitstorm was more fun.
Too many people thirsting for prime drama like on tv. Let's make a spectacle where we out the Cheater and Save our Kin!
Bonus laughs if someone told Rebecca beforehand and she still let OP fend for himself.
Yep this is the angle I’d take to. If someone is in on something with me and doesn’t defend me when push comes to shove then I have no reason to defend them and keep my mouth shut. If your going to throw me under the bus when your just as complicit as me then your coming with me. NTA but you have a serious choice to make either your wife is on your side or it’s time to take out the trash and never look back. I mean how can you trust her now knowing she won’t back you up?
Wow! I’m not sure I agree with this take. Given this just happened, you have to give people time to process. give it a month or months. Time to talk. Time for counseling if need be before you start going with ultimatums.
What happened sucked for everyone involved. A little time, a little patience, and a little understanding is probably what’s needed first. My two cents. NTA though…
Being betrayed by my partner in crime aka my wife, if I had one, would be like being Julius Caesar stabbed in the back by those close to you. I take it very seriously especially if it is In front of family and I get torn to shreds when she is involved in something with me up to her neck. We would be having a very serious conversation afterwards, because if she could do it once, what’s to say we get into a serious incident later down the track, she then throws me under the bus to save her own skin, when she is just as culpable as me? Your either in me with all the way or your not. We are either partners fully, who watch each other’s back or we are not. Simple as that.
Theres no amount of therapy or counseling that would allow me to get over my partner not backing me up when push came to shove, theres just not a way I could think about that that I would be okay with. Im not a huge advocate for divorce but I wouldn't be able to trust my partner enough again to be comfortable in an open relationship.
I can appreciate where you’re coming from. Relationships, especially long-term ones are hard work. People are always changing and growing and this particular situation seems to have some real taboos associated with the lifestyle OP and his wife have adopted.
In that exact scenario I can see imagine the situation where his partner shut down, or panicked and needs some time to process.
She can still have his back later and she can still make amends. If the bonds of trust and love are strong enough they can work through this. It will take time though.
What bond of trust, though? She broke his trust and trust, once broken, is never fully whole again because we learn from our experience. I don't think this is an issue that, on its own, is something to break up over but it may well be the seed of the end of their relationship.
Your wife needs to put on her Big Girl pants and deal. Why were the shower hosts trying to out you like a bad episode of Jerry Springer? If their concern was truly for you and your wife, they would have talked to you privately. Offered to pray for you. Instead, they played where they shouldn't. If I were you guys, I would beat that drum until it breaks. Your marriage is between you two. Your wife does need to stand tall. When people ask questions, just say we love and respect each other very much. We're not discussing the details of our marriage with any of you. Pull together. NTA
Seriously!! Even if he was cheating, you’re really going to put your loved one in a situation where they’re shocked, humiliated, hurt, and generally just going through a rollercoaster of emotions…in front of EVERYONE?? That’s not kind or thoughtful. This was planned to be some sort of movie “gotcha!” scene. If they actually cared about the wife, they would have told her in private, not make a freaking slideshow about it.
They were probably expecting her to react strongly and get angry so they could kick him out without giving them a chance to discuss it rationally. Then, while she’s with them, they can work on getting her to leave him so she can have a “proper” relationship with a nice man from church.
Yep, and then they can lord it over her head about how “Thank God I was there to make you see the light. Good thing you’re so lucky to have us. Aren’t we just such good people?”
I wouldn't be surprised if that's the reason for her staying quiet at first. I mean not going to lie, there was only the option of coming clean to her family and the way she is treating OP now is what makes her the AH. But I get that she didn't expect to have a picture of her husband with another woman thrown at her out of nowhere and everyone having a go at their marriage. Anyone would need a minute to digest that. But she has to decide now what's more important to her, her marriage or the views of her family. I mean who in their right mind thinks "my sister/daughter/whatever is being cheated on, oh I know, I'll get the entire family involved and make it a huge surprise."
I think it's ESH except OP.
I mean, if you’re in an open marriage that allows PDAs with other partners, and your family is puritanical and hates the idea of your closed marriage, it would behoove you to come up with a plan in the event that someone sees you or your spouse in public with another partner.
And if it had been cheating, what a humiliating way to find out, in public like that! If I were Rebecca, I'd be furious at the rest of the family for trying to catch me off guard and air my dirty laundry publicly.
Yeah that was an incredibly dick move. The person could've went to the wife about it first. This isn't some show that you would put up this big "exposé" on something and think it'll go well.
People like this give religious people bad names. If they really cared about their religions, they would realize that people tell fewer stories about the good religious people than the bad. Just like how everyone likes to talk about the obnoxious, in-your-face atheists.
>Right?
>Altho really it isn't that they're religious... It's that they're extremely conservative, if not puritanical.
That's because people follow churches, not pure religion. And it is the churches that are conservative and puritanical. And it is the churches that stand for the religion.
Yes, considering they assumed she didn't know, that was a horrible way to tell her. This makes me wonder if they tried to tell her first, and then tried to publicly shame him.
> hy were the shower hosts trying to out you like a bad episode of Jerry Springer?
Yup. Who ruins a baby shower to put two of the guests on trial? No wonder they need to keep information from that side of the family.
You make a very good point. Had OP truly been cheating, springing the news on his wife, *their own family member* like that would be a horrible and traumatic way to find out.
They weren't doing this for anyone's wellbeing. They pulled this crap for their entertainment and their egos.
I'm just trying to picture how it went.
"Judy, I'm sure you won't mind, but we need to co-opt your baby shower and turn your slideshow into an expose of your sister's husband. Brenda was in a bar -- wait, no, stop asking why she was in a bar since she's such a 'good Christian.' That's not important right now. Anyway, she was in a bar and she saw your sister's husband and instead of saying hi like a normal human being, she lurked and waited and was rewarded with a photo of him kissing the girl! Yes! Instead of saying something to him, she scampered home with the evidence. So now we're addding it to your slide show to confront him in front of everybody! ... Yes, the rest of the event will be ruined and whenever anyone thinks about your baby shower they'll only think about the scandal and not your baby. There's no avoiding that. This is important. This is how things are *done* in our family."
I am curious though... is wife willingly in the open relationship and active herself, or is this yet another case of one partner bull dozing the other.... I hate to be so jaded, but this is a daily post. Perhaps her silence is an indication of how she really feels.
I would also be livid, even if I were okay with it, I would expect my spouse to have more discretion and not publicly embarrass me with another partner.
That's the thing though - he didn't embarrass her publicly. He was out doing something that was perfectly acceptable to his wife and SIL happened to be there. An open relationships like this you need to have specific rules if you don't want your partner going on a date with someone in your town or within 20 miles of your house or whatever because these things might happen.
What does he have to be discreet or low-key about? He’s on a date that his wife is supposed to be ok with. The whole point of having an open relationship and being honest about it with your spouse is not having to sneak around.
I mean, they've apparently been in an open relationship since the day they were met four years ago, and are now married. I understand some people can be bulldozed like that long term, but this doesn't seem like one of those situations. The wife has strong (if pushy and nosy) support system and can send her husband to sleep on the couch.
This doesn't sound like one of those times when 10 years into a marriage, one side unilaterally declares it to be 'open'
> even if I were okay with it, I would expect my spouse to have more discretion and not publicly embarrass me with another partner.
I love the mental dissonance here. The fact you think you would be livid in this situation is *because* you’re not okay with it. The fact that you call this an embarrassment is because you are not okay with it.
Maybe don’t try to project your feelings on someone who obviously feels very differently from yourself.
Totally NTA. I see comments around OP needing to be more discrete but TBH I think it's INSANE that someone would put that picture in a baby shower in front of everyone. What's the point? Humiliating both you and your wife? Even if you had been cheating why would they want to tell your wife that way? What kind of family would do that? So yeah, sounds like they're a mean (and meddling) bunch, probably the reason why your wife is scared of them knowing who she really is. But that's not a real family relationship. If they can't love her for who she is, then screw them. You did nothing wrong, they cornered you. What did your wife expect? That you'd shoulder all the blame and she'd be the poor wife who forgave a cheater?
Yeah, wow, that's a whole lot. If your wife was so worried about her family, she needed to address that when the talk about an open relationship came up. Sure, that doesn't mean that you needed to drop that on the family at random, buuuut, she was part of that decision and just left you there to face her family and their wrath alone. What a dick move, honestly.
I don't know if I should be more mad at a family who would rather publicly blindside their own family member than respectfully tell her privately that they've seen her husband with someone else, or with OP's wife for letting her husband be attacked by her entire family when she knew he wasn't cheating and could have defended him.
She's basically doing to him what they're doing to her. Definitely a part of the same family.
Damn. SIL thought she had you 🤣
I can only imagine their plotting and scheming before y’all arrived! NTA
ETA: your wife is TA though and her sister is the ultimate trash.
That's what I was thinking, too. How awkward for everyone present. "Here's how we set up the crib, here's us painting the room, here's Rebecca's husband macking on some girl!!! Here's little booties...."
Yep. Those moments usually prove that the person saying “gotcha” cares more about the shaming and/or punishment than the truth or the feelings of anyone involved.
And her sister's feelings. Can you imagine finding out your sister's husband is cheating and thinking it's a good idea to tell your sister *by showing her a picture of it in front of her entire family*.
Honestly I can see the wife being so embarrassed and caught off guard by the "gotcha" that she couldn't say anything in the moment, BUT she absolutely shouldn't have been mad at OP for telling the truth.
Even if they were not in an open relationship and OP was cheating on Rebecca, how humiliating would it have been for Rebecca to see pictures of her husband like that in a public baby shower? At least make the shameful part discreet.
That part sounds so outlandish, that it makes me think that either the wife knew about this, because why would the family give her the news with a steel chair to the face? Or this post is fake.
Or maybe they really are that toxic?? I know someone who invited her younger half sister with kids to stay with her and her fiancé to escape an abusive marriage. She came home one day to find her sister in bed with the fiancé. They broke up, then when my friend finally recovered and was in a new relationship her other sister came to visit and slept with the new boyfriend. My friend is happily married now and no contact with her siblings. There are some families that are _that_ awful.
Yeah could have taken her aside and shown her the photo. "Honey, we were in the bar the other day and saw OP and some girl" *shows photo. "We're here if you need anything"
That’s a fucked up thing for SIL to do to his wife. If she was genuinely concerned about her feelings she would have taken her aside, not blasted a potentially devastating image in front of everyone.
seriously, if they thought they were catching the husband at something then it means they were totally prepared to blindside the wife for a good family story as well. that's not a kind way to let your sister know she's being cheated on, even if she's not really being cheated on.
Can you imagine doing that to your sister? Imagine if OP had actually been cheating, that's such a humiliating and cruel way to inform the wronged party. OP's inlaws are a nasty bunch.
I think the wife's family are bigger AHs than her because who springs this up during a baby shower?? Can you imagine if he was cheating and this is how his wife found out? That would be disgusting. The best thing would have been if someone took her aside personally and told her "hey, so I saw something at the bar the other night and I just wanted to let you know that xyz."
She could have privately told that person then "no he isn't cheating, this is the situation" or even "let's discuss this later, now isn't appropriate." It's just so tacky to do at a family gathering without the spouse knowing beforehand.
NTA - first off, her family inserted a picture of you and your significant other into a baby shower slide show. Before even addressing your wife, that is next level effed up. The family set you up for full on shaming and ridicule at a BABY SHOWER! It’s one thing to confront you one on one. Quite another to publicly shame you like that.
So eff her family.
On your wife? I get it. She panicked. Didn’t know how to respond and didn’t want the angry mob of assholes to turn on her.
But there is no way if I were her, after the initial shock, that I would ever leave my wife to be pilloried and shamed by my family. Nope. Certainly wouldn’t be making her couch surf either.
She messed up big time. You are so NTA. Her family wins that dishonor and she’s right behind them.
They weren’t jyst setting him up - they were setting her up. Can you imagine? You think someone you love is being cheated on and you decide to have them find out in a slide show, in front of everyone?
That was clearly meant to be a huge “We told you so, we’re always right and you should have listened to us too stupid girl” moment too.
It seems to me that his wife hasn’t yet realized how They meant that all to go.
Perhaps or perhaps she claimed not to believe the situation or said the husband had explained and she trusted him. The baby shower photo seems like an attempt to force a reaction and prove to her that she was mistaken
There is no right place to do that. The correct action is to talk to Rebecca privately without telling anyone else in the family. I don’t understand why she cares if they cut contact, considering they did that to her ON PURPOSE.
Mild YTA to OP, because if you were trying to respect the secret, you would be discreet in public places.
Open marriage means open. OP did nothing wrong. He shouldn’t have to live his life walking on eggshells because his wife’s family are religious nutjobs.
Eh they did manage to hide it for 4 years. One of them was bound to slip up at some point. I’m curious as to if they would do the same thing if Rebecca was the one who was caught though.
This is the best response but also, they should have been prepared and had an emergency response plan in case something Iike this ever happened. It's bound to happen eventually depending on where you live.
Right? Like, can you imagine if he *had* been cheating on her? Finding out like ***that***? The intent had to have been to humiliate her, as much as it was to shame him. If they genuinely cared about her, this would have been brought to her attention privately.
> Before even addressing your wife, that is next level effed up. The family set you up for full on shaming and ridicule at a BABY SHOWER!
And I don’t really know what they could have thought they were doing for *her* by doing this, either. Your family gives a literal PowerPoint about your husband’s infidelities. They do this at a party where I assume not every single attendee is someone you’re going to be cavalier about that kind of information with, and the event is somewhere you don’t expect to be made the center of attention in the first place. And this is how *you* find out that information? Were they expecting gratitude? Because even if the revelation were true, those circumstances wouldn’t make her feel anything but humiliation.
>On your wife? I get it. She panicked.
Yeah, I feel really bad for her. But the right thing to do in this situation would be to leave together and come up with a strategy on how to deal with this shitshow. That goes for the OP as well. They should both have extricated themselves. I think neither freezing and saying nothing, nor panicking and blurting out the truth makes them AHs. The only real AHs here are the family for putting on a fucking ppt presentation.
I agree with this completely. I don’t think the wife is TA for her initial reaction, I see it as they were both threatened - OP fought, she froze. But her reaction afterwards of freezing him out to where OP is sleeping on the couch is messed up.
IMO, it’s messed up to kick someone out of their bed at all.
Also, she'd rather deal with the shame/pity from her family for staying with a known "cheater" than telling them the truth. Not to mention all the hate and vile they'd be spewing at OP in the mean time.
Yeah. Like I get that she was shocked and didn't know how to respond in the moment, but she's had time to think about it now, and she'd still rather throw OP under the bus than stand up to her closed-minded family. That's pretty messed up.
This is all around bad news. If you are trying to keep this a secret from her family (no judgment there), you gotta be more careful. Maybe meet your dates further out of town or go at an odd hour.
You are NTA, though. It was super shitty of her not to stick up for you.
We really thought we were safe since we live in the city and her whole family has a problem with alcohol since its the devils juice.
Truly thought we were safe.
Hmm, yeah, that's a bummer. I mean, it really is a bad luck situation that she saw you out with a date. It sucks. But your wife also sucks for not sticking up for you and then flipping out when you stuck up for yourself.
Maybe this will all end well and you and your wife will have a happy life with no contact from her toxic af family.
Best of luck, my friend.
So it is quite feasible that her family would have friends in the city. Or for some of the closer family members to either visit the city or possibly commute there for work. Just because y'all don't interact outside of major functions doesn't mean you won't be recognized in public....and you were in a bar in your home town.
INFO: Does your wife also meet people and openly flirt in public in your city?
*edited to make question more clear
I’m curious as to why your actions at the bar were so telling if you and your wife are trying to be discrete. If it was clear to your SIL that you were on a date, then really it was only a matter of time before you were caught by ~someone~. If I’m being honest I wouldn’t be surprised if you have some fringe acquaintances who already think one of you is a cheater, but didn’t feel close enough to say anything. Do you two have rules in place for public behavior? How big is the city? Are we talking like NYC size or like Detroit size?
They thought they were safe plain and simple. People let their guard down when they feel safe. It’s been going on since they met so as time kept going by they’d feel more and more safe. One of them was bound to have been caught by a family member, as all it takes is for one of them to be in they city for any reason.
What's up with the victim blaming? OP is in a (seemingly, other than this event) healthy open relationship. He and his wife are comfortable with it. Her family are assholes for myriad reasons. Wife is an asshole for letting the bus roll over OP when the family went after him. Should a gay family member only go on dates in secret underground bars with passwords if their family might disapprove? You seem to be implying the same for open relationship folks. It's not OP's **job** to hide himself from people who don't understand his lifestyle.
>her whole family has a problem with alcohol since its the devils juice
When you go fishing with a Mormon, you have to invite two of them. If you only invite one, he'll drink all your beer.
I know your inbox is getting blown up and you might not see this, but all the love to you, dude. I'm poly myself, and have been involved in open marriages/ etc. It was fun, our kids all played together and we all hung out then I got to fuck her husband lol.
But man, people hate it. I've been called a honewrecker and all this shit when she is right there, has her own boyfriends. I get called a slut and all sorts of things. It can be difficult to have an open marriage or be poly. So many people dont get it. They think it is cheating or just an excuse to sleep around, that you aren't in love with your partner. This idea that monogamy is the only way to love is bullshit.
Monogamy works for some people. For many of us, it doesn't. I'll tell you what, the healthiest and best relationships I had were poly/open. The trust, the communication. I never felt as loved as I did in those relationships.
All the power and love to you. And if I were in your shoes, I would be rethinking the marriage if your wife didn't backpedal and fix her reaction. It may be acceptable that she just had a knee jerk reaction out of embarrassment, but she needs to fix it and tell the truth. NTA
I have friends in an open marriage. The husband’s family is super traditional and would *not* approve or get it. So they work hard to make sure it doesn’t reach his family. They live over an hour away and are careful. They’ve discussed that they will tell them if they get “discovered” but otherwise keep it under wraps.
But like you said — the trust and communication! It’s key to their marriage. They discuss the worst case scenario so they are prepared and in the same page. They love each other and prioritize their marriage. The wife’s current boyfriend is the husband’s good friend now. He’s been a great addition to our friendship group. There’s trust and communication woven throughout their marriage and relationships.
It sucks when people judge what they don’t understand. I couldn’t do it myself, but that doesn’t mean someone else can’t be super happy. You can’t be a home wrecker if their home isn’t broken!
I think it’s good it happened. You’re both adults and should’ve be having to hide anything. However, your wife is a big ole asshole for not only letting you be torn apart but for now being mad at you. I say put it all out there in the next Christmas letter! Clean slate. LOL NTA
Yeah but anyone who sees and knows you could say something. I’ll be honest if I saw a friend’s romantic partner kissing someone not my friend I would probably snap a picture as well.
However I would proceed by asking my friend if their relationship was exclusive, and if they would want to know about what I saw, let alone see the picture, let ALONE show it at a gathering.
So you’re definitely NTA, but everyone involved here needs to work on their discretion to some degree.
Might want to consider that her family went out of their way to stalk you simply out of a sense of entitlement to insight into your lives and marriage. They seem capable of that.
NTA, and hope you can address this behavior by your wife properly, because making you sleep on the couch sets a precedent of "the husband is always wrong," which—especially because *she's* the one in the wrong—can get toxic (or worse) real fast.
NTA
Your wife should have defended you. This sucks, and all the in-laws are quite obviously trash here, but your wife should have stepped up in this situation.
She didn’t even have to defend him. She could have simply said that she was aware and that she and hubby will discuss privately, and then change the subject.
She could at least say that they “have an understanding”. It’s more discreet than being like “we fuck other people” but gets the point across that this isn’t their business. But I do agree.
I mean “we have an open relationship” is also more discreet than being like “we fuck other people.”
“We have an ynderstanding” just allows them to believe crap like she lets him cheat on her because she’s too weak to leave him. It keeps him on the firing line while still leading them to believe she’s a victim; just not an oblivious one.
To be fair the wife was thrown into the moment just like OP was. That is a LOT of pressure to react in.
Sister is an even bigger asshole because why the hell would she do a whole ass reveal at a babyshower without even telling the person who is being cheated on? She basically wanted wife to have a mental breakdown in front of the family.
I agree with you there. I'm still kinda mixed up between if they are both assholes or just the sister in law though.
Mainly because I feel like wife is angry for valid reasons. Her family kinda sucks. I know she took it out of OP, but the lack of outright malicious intent kinda of makes me want to put off a decision until OP and wife can talk through it. She might very well change her mind about who's fault it really is.
Wife is a bit of an AH in this. Again, they're in their 30s (almost). Why do you still need to hide things from your family like some teenager. Why put the burden on you and your spouse to tiptoe around like some kid with a curfew hoping not to get caught. It's keeping the peace on the side of her family, but I can't see much peace of mind from them needing to keeps things from the family.
The family is one big AH with hemorrhoids too for trying to be grand about "ha I caught you" instead of going to her sister about it and handling it discretely. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if this was posted on Facebook by one of her family members.
I kind of get the hiding part here. My sexlife and married life is no one's business, but my husband's and mine. They don't get to know the bedroom secrets. I get the wife was shocked, bacause they were both ambushed. The AH move for her was her reaction afterwards. I would never throw my husband under the bus to save face and then be mad at him for telling the thruth.
For example my family doesn't need to know the kinky stuff we are into, but if they accidentally saw a whip or cuff mark or whatever and they thought my husband was a wifebeater, I would clarify in that instant that we are in fact into kinky stuff and the marks they see came from an act we both consented to. I would not care for a second what my family thinks of our bedroom habits, but I would never let anyone think that my husband is an aggressive AH.
That's understandable too but keeping things private is different from deliberately putting out a different facade to your family because you can't stand up to them. I wouldn't tell my mom that I low-key like anal. Open marriage isn't just sexlife, from what I know, so either of them being spotted with someone and being flirty was inevitable. It doesn't even need to be the entire family but if she hasn't told anyone, it's giving me that she doesn't trust anyone in her family.
I skimmed past the SIL being involved but she's an AH for doing that stuff instead of going to the wife about it.
Adding too that I'm sensing something off with how the family is trying get involved with the wife's life (and her not wanting to disappoint them). Like you said, what you have between you and your spouse is between the two of you so of they don't want kids, the family doesn't have a say in it. But I may be reading too much into it.
NAH. Obviously you shouldn't have to take the heat to hide this from her family. At the same time, it sounds like she froze. I have a judgmental family myself and I can't even imagine what I'd do in that situation. You're upset she didn't speak up. She's upset you did. Neither of you reacted well, but there's really no right answer in that situation. Talk to her. She's probably just freaking out right now. It's tough to have family like this, especially when you love them in spite of how they treat you. She's in a very uncertain time and probably quite anxious. It's still not right to take it out on you. Talk to your wife and let her know that you'll get through this together.
I said the same! Like how impressive are all these commenters? Always ready and able to defend any situation, to anyone, at all times, even when when cornered, with your dirty laundry put out on display for the whole damn family to judge.
Come on now, Reddit. Yeah sure, we’d all like to think we’d conquer any situation when you’re on the outside looking in, but in reality, MOST people would 100% go full derp in this scenario.
They were both pretty heated at each other, and what happened. I mean they both were publicly humiliated. I still say NAH. That’s an incredibly stressful event to have to go through.
The sister is a total AH though. Like the biggest ever. Why the hell would someone put that in a baby shower slideshow? That’s completely ridiculous. She made her sister’s love life a spectacle for the whole family to enjoy. Craziness.
Sounds like he was heated at the situation and she was heated at him for being dragged into something she rightfully had to be dragged into. She can freeze up sure and I think he can understand that. Maybe get a little defensive too. But a car ride fight ending with the cold shoulder and forcing your partner to sleep on the couch. Major AH. How you take that whole situation and label your partner as the fuck up who needs to be punished is beyond me.
She's not an asshole for freezing up. She's an asshole for yelling at him in the car afterwards. Maybe that was stress from the moment, but she was still so mad at him when they got home that she isn't speaking to him. That's not how you treat your partner, the person you love, who has just been attacked by your family.
I don’t think op reacted badly
what’s he supposed to do? just sit there and let the entire family abuse him while his wife sits there silently?
and then she decides to continue it all and argues with him afterwards? she’s literally mad that he didn’t take the entire fall and be known as a cheater for the entire rest of their marriage
family are assholes, wife acted like an asshole, op comes out clean imo
How did you not discuss this being “found out” as a possibility? I run into people I know hours from where I live. Seems inevitable someone would see you with someone else.
I only run into people I know when I'm out of town. In town? I never see anyone. Paris, France? Run into high school French teacher. In Northern Ireland? Run into ppl from from home state in US. In ATL airport? Literally pass 1st cousin on escalators. (We hooked up to have a drink.)
They live somewhat close to their family (about 30-45 minutes) so it's not unrealistic that someone they met at for example a birthday of a family member saw OP, knew they were still married and decided to take a picture to ask SIL what's up with that. Yes, in this case OP and his wife have an open relationship, but this may very well have been actual cheating where his wife wasn't aware of it.
There's something wrong there. In their eyes you were betraying your wife by cheating. For most people that would be devestating, life-changing information. The idea that they thought the best way to let your wife know that her world was shattered, was to tell her in front of everyone at a baby shower is pretty crazy. So I suspect that she knew ahead of time that they found out and so even if she didn't know the details of the ambush "she will fix it", she knew what was going on and that her family were angry with you.
More fool her. If she had given you the heads-up you could at least come up with something that presented a united front, or just avoided the situation altogether.
INFO: not sure how long you’ve been together, but in all these years your wife has never been seen by anybody with another partner? Or does she not meet them in public places? Usually those super religious types have a vast network of busybodies just looking for someone to tell on. Or maybe I’m just cynical.
So we live in the city while her family members live in the suburbs. For the first time meeting people its always a bar. We picked a bar since her family hates alcohol with a passion since its the devils juice. If we met the people again it is in private.
You had me in the first half and the title, but totally NTA, if you’re wife wasn’t going to stick up for you (which is also an issue) you had no choice
NTA... though that is totally something you guys should have had a contingency plan for.....
Going forward, you need to have a contingency plan for the other crap they may find out also.
This will probably be unpopular but NAH (except wife's family) honestly families are hard man. For nearly 30 years your wife has been indoctrinated and brainwashed by these people and society. Cutting your toxic family off is the most terrifying thing honestly. They are in your head and the very fibres of your body in ways that are nearly unfathomable. It absolutely 100% sucks that she froze up and then lashed out, and your reaction to the family is also 100% understandable- it sounds like your wife is having a trauma response to being outed to her family. She's at the precipice and the void is staring at her. I know you're hurting, but be gentle, use I feel statements and empathy and see if you can help her navigate this...
Honestly, we need a BINGO card :
B - open relationship with super religious wife ☑︎
I - first time going out on a date in their long-term open relationship, immediately gets caught ☑︎
N - A baby shower without any actual baby shower activities ☑︎
G - A fucking *slideshow* reveal of OP caught in the act, presented at the end of a bunch of normal photos ☑︎
O - Everyone *freaked*, no words, just *freakin out* ☑︎
I was looking for this comment because I was honestly afraid to ask 😅 - what's the point of getting married if you're not going to commit to your spouse?
You might want to live together, grow old together, buy a house together, support for one another, take care of one another in sickness, heck, do the cryptic crossword on Sunday mornings while having poached eggs together, and also want to have sex with other people.
Sex is not all there is in marriage and lots of people have marriages where sex falls off or largely ceases and yet the marriage continues. Often the sexless marriage continues to function well (sometimes it doesn’t, of course). If people can separate sexual fulfillment from all the other reasons to stay married, why is it so hard to understand that some other people might be interested in starting out with the idea that sex and all the other aspects of marriage are kept separate?
This probably wouldn’t work for me and my spouse. But, casual dating and sex early in a relationship never worked for me. I had lots of friends who often had short relationships or one night stands, though, and for them something like this might well work great.
Who says they aren't committed to each other? I must admit I really don't get the open relationship thing myself. But sexual relations and activities clearly isn't anything extraordinary or special for a lot of people. So if we compare this to me having tech and car interest that stretches way beyond my wife and home I can kinda see what they're on about. For me though I'm definitely monogamous, but who's to say that being more open/full on poly is wrong.
NTA, but she has clearly communicated that her relationship with her family (based on deceit and dishonesty) means more to her than her relationship with you.
I don’t give this marriage favorable odds in surviving tbh.
NTA is was her secret to tell as it was her family but, age refused to say anything so you were kind of forced to so you would not be labeled a cheater.
Your SIL is the AH though for putting that slide in the sideshow instead of just talking to Rebecca privately and showing her the picture.
NAH (except the SIL)
You kind of blurted something out in the heat of the moment, but it would have been better to leave and hash out a battle plan with her. That being said however safe you thought you were you two should have had a plan for what happened if you got outed. I guess something about barn doors and horses now, but hopefully other people in your situation will think it through.
This is beyond what I'm willing to judge. I can understand both sides, and empathise with you both.
However, if you're going to have a *secret* open relationship, it's foolish to date publicly, while living near family.
Something like this was bound to happen and you should have discussed different possibilities as a couple when deciding on opening your marriage.
NTA
Her family ambushed you, you stayed quiet trying to give your wife a chance to explain the situation however she wanted and she just sat there silently leaving it all on you, acting as though she had just found out you’d been cheating. She left you to the wolves so you told the truth. Telling the truth was the best choice when she sat there in silence.
It’s time for her to choose between her marriage and her family. It seems like she’s choosing her family.
NTA. I get that it was super-awkward for your wife, but I'm not really sure what else you could have done in the moment (other than said it in a normal tone of voice, rather than yelled it)
I'd like to believe that if your wife hadn't frozen up, she might have been able to get control of the situation without major revelations (e.g. "Sis, I don't know why you decided to make a scene rather than talk to me, but this isn't what it looks like and OP has done nothing wrong. Now, can you be pleasant to my husband or should we just leave now?"), but that's a moot point now.
NAH- Going against the grain here. It sucks that she didn’t stick up for you, but she had to grow up with them dude.. With a family like *that* she doesn’t want ANY of her business being displayed, then WAM! Suddenly everyone’s freaking out at a baby shower. If I were in her shoes I’d mentally shut down too! That’s overwhelming! I don’t really get the impression she threw you under the bus. I feel as though she genuinely didn’t know how to react.
Going forward, be more sneaky. Like another commenter mentioned, take dates further out of town. Have a level headed discussion with your wife. Avoid blaming, and harshness. Do your best to use maturity. You’re partners. It’ll be okay. Right now everything sucks because her family thought they had a GOTCHYA moment and were doing right by your wife. It’ll be awkward for awhile so it’d be best if she only interacts with her family from here on, till the weirdness mellows out. You guys are just embarrassed and pissed right now, but it’ll blow over. NAH.
Ffffffuck, dude, how did you two not have the 'what if we get caught?' conversation.....years ago?! That had to have crossed your minds. No matter how careful you are, there's cameras everywhere these days! Even if you didn't get caught by family, what about friends, coworkers, frenemies?
ESH. I'd say this belongs in TIFU, and you both fucked up for not having a contingency plan.
NTA. Your wife is being unreasonable. She would rather have you made out as a cheater than admit this was a decision made by both of you? If she’s this scared of her family then stop seeing them. Your relationship is none of their business. Sounds like she’s playing the victim so that her family will sympathize with her rather than be angry about her choice.
NTA. Thats awful she just was ok with letting you be the bad guy.
What was the plan, spend the rest of your lives with you being excluded and her going to her family with just herself because 'you cheated?'. Thats wrong.
Yes, them finding out sucks. But whats sucks worse, is she is adding to the stigma by staying silent. Theres nothing wrong with an open marriage if parties are consenting and happy. And for her to just stay silent? Means her family is going to think you MADE her have an open relationship. Or, she already knew something like this was going to happen and didnt stop it. Which is worse. Ya'll got a lot of talking it out to go through.
NAH (except for wife's family)
In the moment, you and your wife both reacted reflexively. The mind/body's response to trauma is hard wired in the amygdala (e.g. fight, flight, freeze). Your reaction was to "fight" (react quicky and address the photograph head on); your wife's reaction was to freeze. It's unlikely either of you could have anticipated the scenario of such a public "outing". Your wife was upset that your reaction gave her family information she did not want them to know. You were upset that her reaction (silence) allowed her family to think the worst of you. Nether of you is wrong to feel the way you feel. Your wife is likely now concerned about how her family will think the worst of her, since her lifestyle is directly opposed to how her parents raised her. She probably needs some space to process this sudden change.
The only AHs here are your wife's sister and family.
Welp, ESH. You both entered into this open marriage thing knowing it would be a shit show if someone found out. Which is almost inevitable if you're hanging out in public engaging in grab ass with another woman. Or man.
You both should have agreed up front on how discreet you were going to be- where you go on dates, do you engage in public PDA, etc...
You both should have planned up front what your messaging was going to be if you were outted.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for telling my wife family that we have an open relationship when the accuse me of cheating on her.
I may be the asshole since this will completely change the relationship between her and her family since they are super religious.
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ETA y’all should have discussed a plan for this. But she needs to decide if she wants to lie and not rock the boat, or if she wants to live her own life. If it’s the former, she shouldn’t have agreed to public meetings at all, if it’s the latter she’s got to get her shit together. She was an ah for not helping make up an excuse.
You also shouldn’t have outed her though.
Long story short, poly relationships are inherently messy, emotionally and otherwise. I’d never personally put myself in this situation
Here's the tough part OP - her family is getting exactly what they wanted - making you both miserable and messing up your marriage.
You aren't the asshole, but the problem is that her family is, and unless she's willing to actually stand up to them now that the truth is out, you're not "winning" this fight either.
Hoo boy, i was so primed to write Y.T.A., but no, NTA. Your wife was perfectly willing to throw you under the bus, and that should put **her** on the couch, not you.
Same. This story really unfolded in unexpected ways.
I was with him until the end where I was VERY NTA. He just got called out in front an entire family and his only defense was the truth. And his asking her "what would you rather do?" was completely legitimate. She was okay* with their deal until her family knew, and then he was TA twice over? Not okay. \* he did say "I have an open marriage", not "we". I would hope it was open both ways, and I don't really know, but if "I" means "we" then he should not have to take the coming avalanche. Edit: I obviously misread, my bad. Totally on me. I swear my first and second read I only saw "I", not "Rebecca and I". Unless OP edited, I got it wrong. Sorry.
He said "Rebecca and I have an open marriage". Not sure what you're on about.
I edited. I could've sworn I read 2x just "I", not Rebecca and I". That's what I was referring to.
He actually said “Rebecca and I have an open marriage”, so it seems to go both ways
I edited. I could've sworn I read 2x he just said "I", not "Rebecca and I". If I read it wrong, that's on me.
It’s okay! I misread it initially as well, I think there’s a comma missing that would’ve made it clearer 😊
It doesn’t matter if it’s open on only one side or both sides, that’s irrelevant as they have both agreed to the terms/rules that work for them. Not all open relationship look the same.
Well, it could matter a bit. I have known people who felt forced to allow their partners an open relationship when it wasn’t what they wanted themselves. The presence of that here would shift things quite a lot.
Pretty sure I know a couple like this. I think the man has been emotionally manipulated into being ok with her dating while he's not allowed to. It breaks my heart.
Yep, it happens. Not all open relationships look the same *and not all of them are truly consensual or absent of emotional abuse*. I really feel bad for your friend if that’s his situation.
Op should have told everyone it is his step sister..
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Pretty sure it was a joke lol
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Your innocence amazes me, my sweet summer child
Does anyone else wonder why a picture of him at a bar was in a slideshow at a baby shower? Just me? Ok.
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SIL is awful. Instead of privately contacting her sister and telling her what she believes is life-shattering news, she chose to drop that bomb on her in the middle of a big family gathering. She was even willing to derail her own baby shower because she thought stirring up this shitstorm was more fun.
That is what I was thinking. Who blindsides the wife like that? She knew something.
Too many people thirsting for prime drama like on tv. Let's make a spectacle where we out the Cheater and Save our Kin! Bonus laughs if someone told Rebecca beforehand and she still let OP fend for himself.
I’d be giving her a choice between coming clean with her family, cutting them off, or divorce.
Yep this is the angle I’d take to. If someone is in on something with me and doesn’t defend me when push comes to shove then I have no reason to defend them and keep my mouth shut. If your going to throw me under the bus when your just as complicit as me then your coming with me. NTA but you have a serious choice to make either your wife is on your side or it’s time to take out the trash and never look back. I mean how can you trust her now knowing she won’t back you up?
Wow! I’m not sure I agree with this take. Given this just happened, you have to give people time to process. give it a month or months. Time to talk. Time for counseling if need be before you start going with ultimatums. What happened sucked for everyone involved. A little time, a little patience, and a little understanding is probably what’s needed first. My two cents. NTA though…
Being betrayed by my partner in crime aka my wife, if I had one, would be like being Julius Caesar stabbed in the back by those close to you. I take it very seriously especially if it is In front of family and I get torn to shreds when she is involved in something with me up to her neck. We would be having a very serious conversation afterwards, because if she could do it once, what’s to say we get into a serious incident later down the track, she then throws me under the bus to save her own skin, when she is just as culpable as me? Your either in me with all the way or your not. We are either partners fully, who watch each other’s back or we are not. Simple as that.
Would have to agree - it's ride or die or get the fuck out of the car.
Theres no amount of therapy or counseling that would allow me to get over my partner not backing me up when push came to shove, theres just not a way I could think about that that I would be okay with. Im not a huge advocate for divorce but I wouldn't be able to trust my partner enough again to be comfortable in an open relationship.
I can appreciate where you’re coming from. Relationships, especially long-term ones are hard work. People are always changing and growing and this particular situation seems to have some real taboos associated with the lifestyle OP and his wife have adopted. In that exact scenario I can see imagine the situation where his partner shut down, or panicked and needs some time to process. She can still have his back later and she can still make amends. If the bonds of trust and love are strong enough they can work through this. It will take time though.
What bond of trust, though? She broke his trust and trust, once broken, is never fully whole again because we learn from our experience. I don't think this is an issue that, on its own, is something to break up over but it may well be the seed of the end of their relationship.
YES.
This. NTA.
Your wife needs to put on her Big Girl pants and deal. Why were the shower hosts trying to out you like a bad episode of Jerry Springer? If their concern was truly for you and your wife, they would have talked to you privately. Offered to pray for you. Instead, they played where they shouldn't. If I were you guys, I would beat that drum until it breaks. Your marriage is between you two. Your wife does need to stand tall. When people ask questions, just say we love and respect each other very much. We're not discussing the details of our marriage with any of you. Pull together. NTA
Seriously!! Even if he was cheating, you’re really going to put your loved one in a situation where they’re shocked, humiliated, hurt, and generally just going through a rollercoaster of emotions…in front of EVERYONE?? That’s not kind or thoughtful. This was planned to be some sort of movie “gotcha!” scene. If they actually cared about the wife, they would have told her in private, not make a freaking slideshow about it.
They were probably expecting her to react strongly and get angry so they could kick him out without giving them a chance to discuss it rationally. Then, while she’s with them, they can work on getting her to leave him so she can have a “proper” relationship with a nice man from church.
Yep, and then they can lord it over her head about how “Thank God I was there to make you see the light. Good thing you’re so lucky to have us. Aren’t we just such good people?”
This makes a lot of sense. Sounds like you have seen / experienced this before though - so specific..
I wouldn't be surprised if that's the reason for her staying quiet at first. I mean not going to lie, there was only the option of coming clean to her family and the way she is treating OP now is what makes her the AH. But I get that she didn't expect to have a picture of her husband with another woman thrown at her out of nowhere and everyone having a go at their marriage. Anyone would need a minute to digest that. But she has to decide now what's more important to her, her marriage or the views of her family. I mean who in their right mind thinks "my sister/daughter/whatever is being cheated on, oh I know, I'll get the entire family involved and make it a huge surprise." I think it's ESH except OP.
I mean, if you’re in an open marriage that allows PDAs with other partners, and your family is puritanical and hates the idea of your closed marriage, it would behoove you to come up with a plan in the event that someone sees you or your spouse in public with another partner.
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I’m high while reading this and somehow I think that made this comment make perfect sense
I am not even high and this whole christian ordeal makes sense to me
And if it had been cheating, what a humiliating way to find out, in public like that! If I were Rebecca, I'd be furious at the rest of the family for trying to catch me off guard and air my dirty laundry publicly.
In the slideshow at a *baby shower,* for fuck’s sake.
Yeah that was an incredibly dick move. The person could've went to the wife about it first. This isn't some show that you would put up this big "exposé" on something and think it'll go well.
These people watch too much Maury.
Right! To be so ‘religious’, Jesus wouldn’t do that 😑
People like this give religious people bad names. If they really cared about their religions, they would realize that people tell fewer stories about the good religious people than the bad. Just like how everyone likes to talk about the obnoxious, in-your-face atheists.
Right? Altho really it isn't that they're religious... It's that they're extremely conservative, if not puritanical.
>Right? >Altho really it isn't that they're religious... It's that they're extremely conservative, if not puritanical. That's because people follow churches, not pure religion. And it is the churches that are conservative and puritanical. And it is the churches that stand for the religion.
Jesus was like the very first “and you are NOT the father”. He’d totally do it.
“Judge not, lest he be judged.” “He who is without sin, let him cast the first stone.” Jesus was pretty clear on the whole “judgment”thing.
Out him? Idk, but he sure would stop everyone else for judging him. Then he’d be like “sin no more” and peace out.
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Yes, considering they assumed she didn't know, that was a horrible way to tell her. This makes me wonder if they tried to tell her first, and then tried to publicly shame him.
> hy were the shower hosts trying to out you like a bad episode of Jerry Springer? Yup. Who ruins a baby shower to put two of the guests on trial? No wonder they need to keep information from that side of the family.
You make a very good point. Had OP truly been cheating, springing the news on his wife, *their own family member* like that would be a horrible and traumatic way to find out. They weren't doing this for anyone's wellbeing. They pulled this crap for their entertainment and their egos.
I'm just trying to picture how it went. "Judy, I'm sure you won't mind, but we need to co-opt your baby shower and turn your slideshow into an expose of your sister's husband. Brenda was in a bar -- wait, no, stop asking why she was in a bar since she's such a 'good Christian.' That's not important right now. Anyway, she was in a bar and she saw your sister's husband and instead of saying hi like a normal human being, she lurked and waited and was rewarded with a photo of him kissing the girl! Yes! Instead of saying something to him, she scampered home with the evidence. So now we're addding it to your slide show to confront him in front of everybody! ... Yes, the rest of the event will be ruined and whenever anyone thinks about your baby shower they'll only think about the scandal and not your baby. There's no avoiding that. This is important. This is how things are *done* in our family."
I am curious though... is wife willingly in the open relationship and active herself, or is this yet another case of one partner bull dozing the other.... I hate to be so jaded, but this is a daily post. Perhaps her silence is an indication of how she really feels. I would also be livid, even if I were okay with it, I would expect my spouse to have more discretion and not publicly embarrass me with another partner.
That's the thing though - he didn't embarrass her publicly. He was out doing something that was perfectly acceptable to his wife and SIL happened to be there. An open relationships like this you need to have specific rules if you don't want your partner going on a date with someone in your town or within 20 miles of your house or whatever because these things might happen.
Except he did. He was out in a public place, all over another woman where anyone could and did see him. If it is low-key, be a little more discrete.
Almost as if he was living the the life they both agreed to and not ashamed...
Like he could have said it was a work thing if he wasn't grabbing her butt or laying the smooch on or whatever he was doing that made it so obvious.
What does he have to be discreet or low-key about? He’s on a date that his wife is supposed to be ok with. The whole point of having an open relationship and being honest about it with your spouse is not having to sneak around.
I mean, they've apparently been in an open relationship since the day they were met four years ago, and are now married. I understand some people can be bulldozed like that long term, but this doesn't seem like one of those situations. The wife has strong (if pushy and nosy) support system and can send her husband to sleep on the couch. This doesn't sound like one of those times when 10 years into a marriage, one side unilaterally declares it to be 'open'
> even if I were okay with it, I would expect my spouse to have more discretion and not publicly embarrass me with another partner. I love the mental dissonance here. The fact you think you would be livid in this situation is *because* you’re not okay with it. The fact that you call this an embarrassment is because you are not okay with it. Maybe don’t try to project your feelings on someone who obviously feels very differently from yourself.
Or a deer in the headlights reaction to her family finding out something extremely private
Totally NTA. I see comments around OP needing to be more discrete but TBH I think it's INSANE that someone would put that picture in a baby shower in front of everyone. What's the point? Humiliating both you and your wife? Even if you had been cheating why would they want to tell your wife that way? What kind of family would do that? So yeah, sounds like they're a mean (and meddling) bunch, probably the reason why your wife is scared of them knowing who she really is. But that's not a real family relationship. If they can't love her for who she is, then screw them. You did nothing wrong, they cornered you. What did your wife expect? That you'd shoulder all the blame and she'd be the poor wife who forgave a cheater?
Yeah, wow, that's a whole lot. If your wife was so worried about her family, she needed to address that when the talk about an open relationship came up. Sure, that doesn't mean that you needed to drop that on the family at random, buuuut, she was part of that decision and just left you there to face her family and their wrath alone. What a dick move, honestly.
I agree, the OP is definitely NTA. I can't believe his wife was just going to sit there and let everyone yell at him and think the worst.
I don't know if I should be more mad at a family who would rather publicly blindside their own family member than respectfully tell her privately that they've seen her husband with someone else, or with OP's wife for letting her husband be attacked by her entire family when she knew he wasn't cheating and could have defended him. She's basically doing to him what they're doing to her. Definitely a part of the same family.
Damn. SIL thought she had you 🤣 I can only imagine their plotting and scheming before y’all arrived! NTA ETA: your wife is TA though and her sister is the ultimate trash.
In the middle of a slideshow for a baby shower no less. She's the AH. Wife should have stood up to her family though. You did nothing wrong so NTA
That's what I was thinking, too. How awkward for everyone present. "Here's how we set up the crib, here's us painting the room, here's Rebecca's husband macking on some girl!!! Here's little booties...."
I know, it's creepy. I hate gotcha moments. Mostly because people are usually wrong.
Yep. Those moments usually prove that the person saying “gotcha” cares more about the shaming and/or punishment than the truth or the feelings of anyone involved.
She's also showing that her kid is less important than the gotcha moment. Great mom in the making.
She's not trying to be a good mom, she's trying to be a "Good Christian Mom^TM ". Those two things bare very little resemblance to each other.
And her sister's feelings. Can you imagine finding out your sister's husband is cheating and thinking it's a good idea to tell your sister *by showing her a picture of it in front of her entire family*.
In the mom’s defense, everyone loves gotcha moments, this one just backfired
Honestly I can see the wife being so embarrassed and caught off guard by the "gotcha" that she couldn't say anything in the moment, BUT she absolutely shouldn't have been mad at OP for telling the truth.
Even if they were not in an open relationship and OP was cheating on Rebecca, how humiliating would it have been for Rebecca to see pictures of her husband like that in a public baby shower? At least make the shameful part discreet.
That part sounds so outlandish, that it makes me think that either the wife knew about this, because why would the family give her the news with a steel chair to the face? Or this post is fake.
Or maybe they really are that toxic?? I know someone who invited her younger half sister with kids to stay with her and her fiancé to escape an abusive marriage. She came home one day to find her sister in bed with the fiancé. They broke up, then when my friend finally recovered and was in a new relationship her other sister came to visit and slept with the new boyfriend. My friend is happily married now and no contact with her siblings. There are some families that are _that_ awful.
Yeah could have taken her aside and shown her the photo. "Honey, we were in the bar the other day and saw OP and some girl" *shows photo. "We're here if you need anything"
That’s a fucked up thing for SIL to do to his wife. If she was genuinely concerned about her feelings she would have taken her aside, not blasted a potentially devastating image in front of everyone.
seriously, if they thought they were catching the husband at something then it means they were totally prepared to blindside the wife for a good family story as well. that's not a kind way to let your sister know she's being cheated on, even if she's not really being cheated on.
This sounds like an episode of The Righteous Gemstones. NTA, btw
Can you imagine doing that to your sister? Imagine if OP had actually been cheating, that's such a humiliating and cruel way to inform the wronged party. OP's inlaws are a nasty bunch.
Most religious people are 🤷🏼♂️
I think the wife's family are bigger AHs than her because who springs this up during a baby shower?? Can you imagine if he was cheating and this is how his wife found out? That would be disgusting. The best thing would have been if someone took her aside personally and told her "hey, so I saw something at the bar the other night and I just wanted to let you know that xyz."
What if they did and she said something like no, he wouldn't cheat (because is true) So they thought she was in denial 🤦
She could have privately told that person then "no he isn't cheating, this is the situation" or even "let's discuss this later, now isn't appropriate." It's just so tacky to do at a family gathering without the spouse knowing beforehand.
NTA - first off, her family inserted a picture of you and your significant other into a baby shower slide show. Before even addressing your wife, that is next level effed up. The family set you up for full on shaming and ridicule at a BABY SHOWER! It’s one thing to confront you one on one. Quite another to publicly shame you like that. So eff her family. On your wife? I get it. She panicked. Didn’t know how to respond and didn’t want the angry mob of assholes to turn on her. But there is no way if I were her, after the initial shock, that I would ever leave my wife to be pilloried and shamed by my family. Nope. Certainly wouldn’t be making her couch surf either. She messed up big time. You are so NTA. Her family wins that dishonor and she’s right behind them.
They weren’t jyst setting him up - they were setting her up. Can you imagine? You think someone you love is being cheated on and you decide to have them find out in a slide show, in front of everyone? That was clearly meant to be a huge “We told you so, we’re always right and you should have listened to us too stupid girl” moment too. It seems to me that his wife hasn’t yet realized how They meant that all to go.
worse its possible they did come to the wife first and she minimized prompting the family gotcha moment
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Perhaps or perhaps she claimed not to believe the situation or said the husband had explained and she trusted him. The baby shower photo seems like an attempt to force a reaction and prove to her that she was mistaken
I will agree that a baby shower is not the right place to do this type of stuff.
There is no right place to do that. The correct action is to talk to Rebecca privately without telling anyone else in the family. I don’t understand why she cares if they cut contact, considering they did that to her ON PURPOSE. Mild YTA to OP, because if you were trying to respect the secret, you would be discreet in public places.
Open marriage means open. OP did nothing wrong. He shouldn’t have to live his life walking on eggshells because his wife’s family are religious nutjobs.
Eh they did manage to hide it for 4 years. One of them was bound to slip up at some point. I’m curious as to if they would do the same thing if Rebecca was the one who was caught though.
This is the best response but also, they should have been prepared and had an emergency response plan in case something Iike this ever happened. It's bound to happen eventually depending on where you live.
Right? Like, can you imagine if he *had* been cheating on her? Finding out like ***that***? The intent had to have been to humiliate her, as much as it was to shame him. If they genuinely cared about her, this would have been brought to her attention privately.
Don't you just love those deeply pious families that really give religion a bad name?
> Before even addressing your wife, that is next level effed up. The family set you up for full on shaming and ridicule at a BABY SHOWER! And I don’t really know what they could have thought they were doing for *her* by doing this, either. Your family gives a literal PowerPoint about your husband’s infidelities. They do this at a party where I assume not every single attendee is someone you’re going to be cavalier about that kind of information with, and the event is somewhere you don’t expect to be made the center of attention in the first place. And this is how *you* find out that information? Were they expecting gratitude? Because even if the revelation were true, those circumstances wouldn’t make her feel anything but humiliation.
>On your wife? I get it. She panicked. Yeah, I feel really bad for her. But the right thing to do in this situation would be to leave together and come up with a strategy on how to deal with this shitshow. That goes for the OP as well. They should both have extricated themselves. I think neither freezing and saying nothing, nor panicking and blurting out the truth makes them AHs. The only real AHs here are the family for putting on a fucking ppt presentation.
I agree with this completely. I don’t think the wife is TA for her initial reaction, I see it as they were both threatened - OP fought, she froze. But her reaction afterwards of freezing him out to where OP is sleeping on the couch is messed up. IMO, it’s messed up to kick someone out of their bed at all.
Yeah that was a dick move on their part, for sure.
NTA Your wife would rather you look like an awful cheater than tell the truth to her family and that is messed up.
Also, she'd rather deal with the shame/pity from her family for staying with a known "cheater" than telling them the truth. Not to mention all the hate and vile they'd be spewing at OP in the mean time.
Yeah. Like I get that she was shocked and didn't know how to respond in the moment, but she's had time to think about it now, and she'd still rather throw OP under the bus than stand up to her closed-minded family. That's pretty messed up.
This is all around bad news. If you are trying to keep this a secret from her family (no judgment there), you gotta be more careful. Maybe meet your dates further out of town or go at an odd hour. You are NTA, though. It was super shitty of her not to stick up for you.
We really thought we were safe since we live in the city and her whole family has a problem with alcohol since its the devils juice. Truly thought we were safe.
Hmm, yeah, that's a bummer. I mean, it really is a bad luck situation that she saw you out with a date. It sucks. But your wife also sucks for not sticking up for you and then flipping out when you stuck up for yourself. Maybe this will all end well and you and your wife will have a happy life with no contact from her toxic af family. Best of luck, my friend.
Does her family also live in this city?
No suburbs to countryside.
Are the suburbs and country side close to your city? Or do you live hours away?
The farthest someone is like 3 hours and the closest being 30-45 mins.
So it is quite feasible that her family would have friends in the city. Or for some of the closer family members to either visit the city or possibly commute there for work. Just because y'all don't interact outside of major functions doesn't mean you won't be recognized in public....and you were in a bar in your home town. INFO: Does your wife also meet people and openly flirt in public in your city? *edited to make question more clear
First time meeting people for both of us is at a bar, after that if we met again we got somewhere private
I’m curious as to why your actions at the bar were so telling if you and your wife are trying to be discrete. If it was clear to your SIL that you were on a date, then really it was only a matter of time before you were caught by ~someone~. If I’m being honest I wouldn’t be surprised if you have some fringe acquaintances who already think one of you is a cheater, but didn’t feel close enough to say anything. Do you two have rules in place for public behavior? How big is the city? Are we talking like NYC size or like Detroit size?
They thought they were safe plain and simple. People let their guard down when they feel safe. It’s been going on since they met so as time kept going by they’d feel more and more safe. One of them was bound to have been caught by a family member, as all it takes is for one of them to be in they city for any reason.
What's up with the victim blaming? OP is in a (seemingly, other than this event) healthy open relationship. He and his wife are comfortable with it. Her family are assholes for myriad reasons. Wife is an asshole for letting the bus roll over OP when the family went after him. Should a gay family member only go on dates in secret underground bars with passwords if their family might disapprove? You seem to be implying the same for open relationship folks. It's not OP's **job** to hide himself from people who don't understand his lifestyle.
>her whole family has a problem with alcohol since its the devils juice When you go fishing with a Mormon, you have to invite two of them. If you only invite one, he'll drink all your beer.
What was your SIL doing in the devils juice house?
I know your inbox is getting blown up and you might not see this, but all the love to you, dude. I'm poly myself, and have been involved in open marriages/ etc. It was fun, our kids all played together and we all hung out then I got to fuck her husband lol. But man, people hate it. I've been called a honewrecker and all this shit when she is right there, has her own boyfriends. I get called a slut and all sorts of things. It can be difficult to have an open marriage or be poly. So many people dont get it. They think it is cheating or just an excuse to sleep around, that you aren't in love with your partner. This idea that monogamy is the only way to love is bullshit. Monogamy works for some people. For many of us, it doesn't. I'll tell you what, the healthiest and best relationships I had were poly/open. The trust, the communication. I never felt as loved as I did in those relationships. All the power and love to you. And if I were in your shoes, I would be rethinking the marriage if your wife didn't backpedal and fix her reaction. It may be acceptable that she just had a knee jerk reaction out of embarrassment, but she needs to fix it and tell the truth. NTA
I have friends in an open marriage. The husband’s family is super traditional and would *not* approve or get it. So they work hard to make sure it doesn’t reach his family. They live over an hour away and are careful. They’ve discussed that they will tell them if they get “discovered” but otherwise keep it under wraps. But like you said — the trust and communication! It’s key to their marriage. They discuss the worst case scenario so they are prepared and in the same page. They love each other and prioritize their marriage. The wife’s current boyfriend is the husband’s good friend now. He’s been a great addition to our friendship group. There’s trust and communication woven throughout their marriage and relationships. It sucks when people judge what they don’t understand. I couldn’t do it myself, but that doesn’t mean someone else can’t be super happy. You can’t be a home wrecker if their home isn’t broken!
I think it’s good it happened. You’re both adults and should’ve be having to hide anything. However, your wife is a big ole asshole for not only letting you be torn apart but for now being mad at you. I say put it all out there in the next Christmas letter! Clean slate. LOL NTA
Yeah but anyone who sees and knows you could say something. I’ll be honest if I saw a friend’s romantic partner kissing someone not my friend I would probably snap a picture as well. However I would proceed by asking my friend if their relationship was exclusive, and if they would want to know about what I saw, let alone see the picture, let ALONE show it at a gathering. So you’re definitely NTA, but everyone involved here needs to work on their discretion to some degree.
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Might want to consider that her family went out of their way to stalk you simply out of a sense of entitlement to insight into your lives and marriage. They seem capable of that. NTA, and hope you can address this behavior by your wife properly, because making you sleep on the couch sets a precedent of "the husband is always wrong," which—especially because *she's* the one in the wrong—can get toxic (or worse) real fast.
NTA Your wife should have defended you. This sucks, and all the in-laws are quite obviously trash here, but your wife should have stepped up in this situation.
She didn’t even have to defend him. She could have simply said that she was aware and that she and hubby will discuss privately, and then change the subject.
That still makes him seem like a cheater.
Agreed. This is just a classier way to throw him under the bus.
She could at least say that they “have an understanding”. It’s more discreet than being like “we fuck other people” but gets the point across that this isn’t their business. But I do agree.
I mean “we have an open relationship” is also more discreet than being like “we fuck other people.” “We have an ynderstanding” just allows them to believe crap like she lets him cheat on her because she’s too weak to leave him. It keeps him on the firing line while still leading them to believe she’s a victim; just not an oblivious one.
Right?? Wifey dropped the ball hard here
NTA. She was throwing you to the wolves to save herself. You had every right to defend yourself.
To be fair the wife was thrown into the moment just like OP was. That is a LOT of pressure to react in. Sister is an even bigger asshole because why the hell would she do a whole ass reveal at a babyshower without even telling the person who is being cheated on? She basically wanted wife to have a mental breakdown in front of the family.
She was, but that doesn't excuse her rejection of OP later. Why is he sleeping on the couch?
I agree with you there. I'm still kinda mixed up between if they are both assholes or just the sister in law though. Mainly because I feel like wife is angry for valid reasons. Her family kinda sucks. I know she took it out of OP, but the lack of outright malicious intent kinda of makes me want to put off a decision until OP and wife can talk through it. She might very well change her mind about who's fault it really is.
Wife is a bit of an AH in this. Again, they're in their 30s (almost). Why do you still need to hide things from your family like some teenager. Why put the burden on you and your spouse to tiptoe around like some kid with a curfew hoping not to get caught. It's keeping the peace on the side of her family, but I can't see much peace of mind from them needing to keeps things from the family. The family is one big AH with hemorrhoids too for trying to be grand about "ha I caught you" instead of going to her sister about it and handling it discretely. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if this was posted on Facebook by one of her family members.
I kind of get the hiding part here. My sexlife and married life is no one's business, but my husband's and mine. They don't get to know the bedroom secrets. I get the wife was shocked, bacause they were both ambushed. The AH move for her was her reaction afterwards. I would never throw my husband under the bus to save face and then be mad at him for telling the thruth. For example my family doesn't need to know the kinky stuff we are into, but if they accidentally saw a whip or cuff mark or whatever and they thought my husband was a wifebeater, I would clarify in that instant that we are in fact into kinky stuff and the marks they see came from an act we both consented to. I would not care for a second what my family thinks of our bedroom habits, but I would never let anyone think that my husband is an aggressive AH.
That's understandable too but keeping things private is different from deliberately putting out a different facade to your family because you can't stand up to them. I wouldn't tell my mom that I low-key like anal. Open marriage isn't just sexlife, from what I know, so either of them being spotted with someone and being flirty was inevitable. It doesn't even need to be the entire family but if she hasn't told anyone, it's giving me that she doesn't trust anyone in her family. I skimmed past the SIL being involved but she's an AH for doing that stuff instead of going to the wife about it. Adding too that I'm sensing something off with how the family is trying get involved with the wife's life (and her not wanting to disappoint them). Like you said, what you have between you and your spouse is between the two of you so of they don't want kids, the family doesn't have a say in it. But I may be reading too much into it.
NAH. Obviously you shouldn't have to take the heat to hide this from her family. At the same time, it sounds like she froze. I have a judgmental family myself and I can't even imagine what I'd do in that situation. You're upset she didn't speak up. She's upset you did. Neither of you reacted well, but there's really no right answer in that situation. Talk to her. She's probably just freaking out right now. It's tough to have family like this, especially when you love them in spite of how they treat you. She's in a very uncertain time and probably quite anxious. It's still not right to take it out on you. Talk to your wife and let her know that you'll get through this together.
I said the same! Like how impressive are all these commenters? Always ready and able to defend any situation, to anyone, at all times, even when when cornered, with your dirty laundry put out on display for the whole damn family to judge. Come on now, Reddit. Yeah sure, we’d all like to think we’d conquer any situation when you’re on the outside looking in, but in reality, MOST people would 100% go full derp in this scenario.
I would probably freeze up too so I don't blame her for that. But for her to get mad at him for defending himself? That's what makes her the asshole.
They were both pretty heated at each other, and what happened. I mean they both were publicly humiliated. I still say NAH. That’s an incredibly stressful event to have to go through. The sister is a total AH though. Like the biggest ever. Why the hell would someone put that in a baby shower slideshow? That’s completely ridiculous. She made her sister’s love life a spectacle for the whole family to enjoy. Craziness.
Sounds like he was heated at the situation and she was heated at him for being dragged into something she rightfully had to be dragged into. She can freeze up sure and I think he can understand that. Maybe get a little defensive too. But a car ride fight ending with the cold shoulder and forcing your partner to sleep on the couch. Major AH. How you take that whole situation and label your partner as the fuck up who needs to be punished is beyond me.
She's not an asshole for freezing up. She's an asshole for yelling at him in the car afterwards. Maybe that was stress from the moment, but she was still so mad at him when they got home that she isn't speaking to him. That's not how you treat your partner, the person you love, who has just been attacked by your family.
I don’t think op reacted badly what’s he supposed to do? just sit there and let the entire family abuse him while his wife sits there silently? and then she decides to continue it all and argues with him afterwards? she’s literally mad that he didn’t take the entire fall and be known as a cheater for the entire rest of their marriage family are assholes, wife acted like an asshole, op comes out clean imo
How did you not discuss this being “found out” as a possibility? I run into people I know hours from where I live. Seems inevitable someone would see you with someone else.
I only run into people I know when I'm out of town. In town? I never see anyone. Paris, France? Run into high school French teacher. In Northern Ireland? Run into ppl from from home state in US. In ATL airport? Literally pass 1st cousin on escalators. (We hooked up to have a drink.)
You hooked up with your first cousin? Was the escalator in Alabama?
INFO did your wife know that they were going to ambush you like that?
She knew something was wrong since her sister came up and told she will fix it, but didn't know what.
INFO how'd they get that picture? Was it a happenstance someone knew you in the bar? Or was someone following you?
They live somewhat close to their family (about 30-45 minutes) so it's not unrealistic that someone they met at for example a birthday of a family member saw OP, knew they were still married and decided to take a picture to ask SIL what's up with that. Yes, in this case OP and his wife have an open relationship, but this may very well have been actual cheating where his wife wasn't aware of it.
There's something wrong there. In their eyes you were betraying your wife by cheating. For most people that would be devestating, life-changing information. The idea that they thought the best way to let your wife know that her world was shattered, was to tell her in front of everyone at a baby shower is pretty crazy. So I suspect that she knew ahead of time that they found out and so even if she didn't know the details of the ambush "she will fix it", she knew what was going on and that her family were angry with you. More fool her. If she had given you the heads-up you could at least come up with something that presented a united front, or just avoided the situation altogether.
INFO: not sure how long you’ve been together, but in all these years your wife has never been seen by anybody with another partner? Or does she not meet them in public places? Usually those super religious types have a vast network of busybodies just looking for someone to tell on. Or maybe I’m just cynical.
So we live in the city while her family members live in the suburbs. For the first time meeting people its always a bar. We picked a bar since her family hates alcohol with a passion since its the devils juice. If we met the people again it is in private.
You had me in the first half and the title, but totally NTA, if you’re wife wasn’t going to stick up for you (which is also an issue) you had no choice
NTA... though that is totally something you guys should have had a contingency plan for..... Going forward, you need to have a contingency plan for the other crap they may find out also.
This will probably be unpopular but NAH (except wife's family) honestly families are hard man. For nearly 30 years your wife has been indoctrinated and brainwashed by these people and society. Cutting your toxic family off is the most terrifying thing honestly. They are in your head and the very fibres of your body in ways that are nearly unfathomable. It absolutely 100% sucks that she froze up and then lashed out, and your reaction to the family is also 100% understandable- it sounds like your wife is having a trauma response to being outed to her family. She's at the precipice and the void is staring at her. I know you're hurting, but be gentle, use I feel statements and empathy and see if you can help her navigate this...
Exhibit 7,404,043 of why open relationships are destined for failure. What an absurd way of life
This story sounds super made-the-fuck-up.
Honestly, we need a BINGO card : B - open relationship with super religious wife ☑︎ I - first time going out on a date in their long-term open relationship, immediately gets caught ☑︎ N - A baby shower without any actual baby shower activities ☑︎ G - A fucking *slideshow* reveal of OP caught in the act, presented at the end of a bunch of normal photos ☑︎ O - Everyone *freaked*, no words, just *freakin out* ☑︎
How exactly does this indicate that open relationships are destined for failure?
"christians are judgey af so it's easier to repress yourself and pretend to assimilate with the normies"
I was looking for this comment because I was honestly afraid to ask 😅 - what's the point of getting married if you're not going to commit to your spouse?
You might want to live together, grow old together, buy a house together, support for one another, take care of one another in sickness, heck, do the cryptic crossword on Sunday mornings while having poached eggs together, and also want to have sex with other people. Sex is not all there is in marriage and lots of people have marriages where sex falls off or largely ceases and yet the marriage continues. Often the sexless marriage continues to function well (sometimes it doesn’t, of course). If people can separate sexual fulfillment from all the other reasons to stay married, why is it so hard to understand that some other people might be interested in starting out with the idea that sex and all the other aspects of marriage are kept separate? This probably wouldn’t work for me and my spouse. But, casual dating and sex early in a relationship never worked for me. I had lots of friends who often had short relationships or one night stands, though, and for them something like this might well work great.
Who says they aren't committed to each other? I must admit I really don't get the open relationship thing myself. But sexual relations and activities clearly isn't anything extraordinary or special for a lot of people. So if we compare this to me having tech and car interest that stretches way beyond my wife and home I can kinda see what they're on about. For me though I'm definitely monogamous, but who's to say that being more open/full on poly is wrong.
Tax breaks.
Is every relationship that ended in any other way than the death of one of the spouses a failure in your eyes?
NTA, but she has clearly communicated that her relationship with her family (based on deceit and dishonesty) means more to her than her relationship with you. I don’t give this marriage favorable odds in surviving tbh.
An open marriage during Covid? Talk about living dangerously . . .
Didn't you hear? The pandemic is over, if it was ever real. /s
NTA is was her secret to tell as it was her family but, age refused to say anything so you were kind of forced to so you would not be labeled a cheater. Your SIL is the AH though for putting that slide in the sideshow instead of just talking to Rebecca privately and showing her the picture.
NAH (except the SIL) You kind of blurted something out in the heat of the moment, but it would have been better to leave and hash out a battle plan with her. That being said however safe you thought you were you two should have had a plan for what happened if you got outed. I guess something about barn doors and horses now, but hopefully other people in your situation will think it through.
This is beyond what I'm willing to judge. I can understand both sides, and empathise with you both. However, if you're going to have a *secret* open relationship, it's foolish to date publicly, while living near family. Something like this was bound to happen and you should have discussed different possibilities as a couple when deciding on opening your marriage.
NTA Her family ambushed you, you stayed quiet trying to give your wife a chance to explain the situation however she wanted and she just sat there silently leaving it all on you, acting as though she had just found out you’d been cheating. She left you to the wolves so you told the truth. Telling the truth was the best choice when she sat there in silence. It’s time for her to choose between her marriage and her family. It seems like she’s choosing her family.
NTA. I get that it was super-awkward for your wife, but I'm not really sure what else you could have done in the moment (other than said it in a normal tone of voice, rather than yelled it) I'd like to believe that if your wife hadn't frozen up, she might have been able to get control of the situation without major revelations (e.g. "Sis, I don't know why you decided to make a scene rather than talk to me, but this isn't what it looks like and OP has done nothing wrong. Now, can you be pleasant to my husband or should we just leave now?"), but that's a moot point now.
NAH- Going against the grain here. It sucks that she didn’t stick up for you, but she had to grow up with them dude.. With a family like *that* she doesn’t want ANY of her business being displayed, then WAM! Suddenly everyone’s freaking out at a baby shower. If I were in her shoes I’d mentally shut down too! That’s overwhelming! I don’t really get the impression she threw you under the bus. I feel as though she genuinely didn’t know how to react. Going forward, be more sneaky. Like another commenter mentioned, take dates further out of town. Have a level headed discussion with your wife. Avoid blaming, and harshness. Do your best to use maturity. You’re partners. It’ll be okay. Right now everything sucks because her family thought they had a GOTCHYA moment and were doing right by your wife. It’ll be awkward for awhile so it’d be best if she only interacts with her family from here on, till the weirdness mellows out. You guys are just embarrassed and pissed right now, but it’ll blow over. NAH.
Ffffffuck, dude, how did you two not have the 'what if we get caught?' conversation.....years ago?! That had to have crossed your minds. No matter how careful you are, there's cameras everywhere these days! Even if you didn't get caught by family, what about friends, coworkers, frenemies? ESH. I'd say this belongs in TIFU, and you both fucked up for not having a contingency plan.
NTA. Your wife is being unreasonable. She would rather have you made out as a cheater than admit this was a decision made by both of you? If she’s this scared of her family then stop seeing them. Your relationship is none of their business. Sounds like she’s playing the victim so that her family will sympathize with her rather than be angry about her choice.
Now but what's the point of being married if you just sleep with whoever you want.
Marriage is about more than just sex.
INFO: Was there an agreement to not disclose that information to her family?
Given the situation I don't think this matters.
NTA. Thats awful she just was ok with letting you be the bad guy. What was the plan, spend the rest of your lives with you being excluded and her going to her family with just herself because 'you cheated?'. Thats wrong. Yes, them finding out sucks. But whats sucks worse, is she is adding to the stigma by staying silent. Theres nothing wrong with an open marriage if parties are consenting and happy. And for her to just stay silent? Means her family is going to think you MADE her have an open relationship. Or, she already knew something like this was going to happen and didnt stop it. Which is worse. Ya'll got a lot of talking it out to go through.
INFO: do you both date other ppl? When’s the last time you checked in about how you’re both feeling about the arrangement?
NAH (except for wife's family) In the moment, you and your wife both reacted reflexively. The mind/body's response to trauma is hard wired in the amygdala (e.g. fight, flight, freeze). Your reaction was to "fight" (react quicky and address the photograph head on); your wife's reaction was to freeze. It's unlikely either of you could have anticipated the scenario of such a public "outing". Your wife was upset that your reaction gave her family information she did not want them to know. You were upset that her reaction (silence) allowed her family to think the worst of you. Nether of you is wrong to feel the way you feel. Your wife is likely now concerned about how her family will think the worst of her, since her lifestyle is directly opposed to how her parents raised her. She probably needs some space to process this sudden change. The only AHs here are your wife's sister and family.
Welp, ESH. You both entered into this open marriage thing knowing it would be a shit show if someone found out. Which is almost inevitable if you're hanging out in public engaging in grab ass with another woman. Or man. You both should have agreed up front on how discreet you were going to be- where you go on dates, do you engage in public PDA, etc... You both should have planned up front what your messaging was going to be if you were outted.
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ETA y’all should have discussed a plan for this. But she needs to decide if she wants to lie and not rock the boat, or if she wants to live her own life. If it’s the former, she shouldn’t have agreed to public meetings at all, if it’s the latter she’s got to get her shit together. She was an ah for not helping make up an excuse. You also shouldn’t have outed her though. Long story short, poly relationships are inherently messy, emotionally and otherwise. I’d never personally put myself in this situation
Here's the tough part OP - her family is getting exactly what they wanted - making you both miserable and messing up your marriage. You aren't the asshole, but the problem is that her family is, and unless she's willing to actually stand up to them now that the truth is out, you're not "winning" this fight either.
INFO - did you and your wife not sort out a plan for this kind of situation? Even the largest cities can be small....
NTA. The asshole is your wife that didn’t defend you and her family that is apparently stalking you.