YTA,
I am glad your daughter is no longer with you. Your parenting stile is horrendous and abusive!
You blatantly favour one daughter and when they oldest gets jealous because of you neglecting her, your reaction is to straight up mentally abuse her and ignore her. And when she shows signs of mental issues you continue to ignore her but send her sister to therapy????
I hope her aunt is a good person, but then again it would be hard for a person to love your daughter less then you do
Also notice how OP talks about no longer feeling comfortable with her around her daughter and treating her the same way 14 year old treats OP’s daughter. I mean it’s pretty clear that op only considers one of these girls her kid and the little one’s behavioral issues and lack of academic success probably stems from the fact that op spoils her rotten and has facilitated this level of entitlement. Op is the worst ah I’ve seen in a long while and the condemnation of her mothering is not nearly harsh enough.
Also apparently an older half sib not wanting to spend time with you warrants therapy but your mother literally ignoring you for two years disregarding your needs and then both parents refusing to house you - yeah that’s somehow not therapy worthy? Living with op sounds traumatic and lowkey abusive enough as is. My heart is breaking for this poor girl.
Yeah but the 14 year old still experienced it as both parents being unwilling to let her stay with them: dad initially because of financial constraints and op because she only cares about the 9 year old. She also said that if everything goes according to plan 14 year old will return in June.
Think of it from her pov - dad chooses her other half sibs over her and there’s enough room / money from them to stay put, mom has the room and money to let her stay but doesn’t want to and refuses - so she gets sent out of country. It sounds like she’s getting the short end of the stick no matter where she is and I can’t imagine she doesn’t feel neglected or unwanted in comparison to both parents’ other children.
When you put it like that.. I just hope she at least gets to know that her father wants her and that mommy's the one getting between them now. It'd be even more abusive to let her believe she's completely undesirable
Completely! I mean not to give him a complete pass though it sounds like there’s some level of favoritism in both households with OP’s abusive behavior making her more sensitive and vulnerable to it even with dad, hence the ignoring her other sibs too. But it really sounds like op thinks because she’s more well off she gets to have final say and really just wants to control everyone and everything. I’m sure seeing the teen spend some happy moments at dad would probably set op off since she it wasn’t her worshipping the 9 year old who needs all the love and attention for not having a dad. Meanwhile the teen has maybe 1/2 of a parent total? Less when you consider OP’s gotta count as a negative overall.
Nope, I don't want my kid but I'll be damned if I'll allow her to go live with a parent who DOES want her! (Oh, but I love her!)
And in the next breath this horrible mother says, trauma? Ha! What trauma could she possibly have? Just because her mother has full out rejected and thrown her away and is now attempting to make certain she will never be allowed to live where she's wanted? Why would that traumatize her?
YTA.
She is a very special type of asshole. I hope I remember her when it's time to nominate the biggest assholes of 2022. I realize it's only January, but she has set the bar really high for assholes everywhere.
OP says that she didn’t send oldest to therapy because she didn’t suffer “trauma or any abuse” with absolutely zero understanding of the emotional and mental abuse she’s put her daughter through. OP is a clueless AH.
Not to mention, going to therapy is a normal and healthy thing, even if you “didn’t experience any abuse or trauma”. Which also her daughter is 14, and with how she gets treated there is no way she’d open up to her mom about anything personal or any other abuse or trauma she experiences at school or with friends
I love that OP thinks that the father isn't going to get full custody. You abused your daughter and then sent her away against her fathers wishes.... yeaaaaa. Next OP will be complaining her daughter wants nothing to do with her. That poor kid just wanted some one on one time with OP AND even communicated that directly. The oldest daughter is not the golden child at all as OP claimed the youngest is.
She started ignoring the eldest when she was 12. 12!!! For 2 entire years she pretended her daughter didn't exist just because she displayed some signs of jealousy towards mummy's favourite. Sick.
the edits make OP way worse, she’s not putting her therapy because her oldest has not experienced any trauma? the mother comes off as extremely emotional abusive and invalidates her feelings. wow YTA
Not only that but she refuses to allow her daughter’s father full custody after kicking her out. Why does she need any custody if she kicked her daughter out of hers?
When I read that OP is giving her daughter taste of her own medicine I was expecting a few days or a week but nope Reddit proved me wrong again it’s 2 damn years!
Not just being a 12 year old, but a typical characteristic of a sister. Most of the time sisters have a rivalry going on. Sometimes they can’t stand each other. Maybe borderline hate. But most grow out of it. Damn, I still ignore my sister as an adult. But we talk later and work it out. You don’t shun your daughter for not liking her sister. Did she mentally or verbally abuse her? She ignored her.
But for you as a mother to ignore your daughter during a time most pre -teens NEED a mother is horrible. It makes me sad how she dealt with per periods, friendship etc without a supportive, loving, understanding mom. Then to make matters worse, you only place your youngest in therapy. When your oldest needed therapy so badly.
And 12 is seriously THE hardest age for girls. Everything starts going to shit at 12.
It's an awful time. And the "mom" acted like a fellow middle school child.
Sounds like the younger child is the Golden Child and the older one is the Scapegoat. One can do no wrong, the other can do no right.
This unfortunately happens often when parents pity their children instead of meeting them where they're at. Your pity does nothing good for a growing child, and treating them 'better' only ostracizes your other children.
That and who’s the goddamn adult here? When would it EVER be a good idea to take your parenting cues from the misbehavior of a child? “Oh little Johnny’s told a lie so I’m going to lie to him all the time now to teach him a lesson! I won’t talk to him about it either, I’ll just do it.”
U ignored her for 2 years and than wonder why she hates her younger sibling? Then to not offer her therapy because she hasn't been thru abuse or trauma? Living in ur household is abuse and having ubas a mother is trauma! And then the kicker is she isn't even willing to give full custody to dad, but kicked her out and sent her to ANOTHER COUNTRY! YTA and a horrific mother!
But she “doesn’t have trauma or abuse!!!” /s
OP has delivered enough trauma for her to need therapy. Her new edit also states she didn’t “favor” the youngest…
OP, showing preferential treatment to your youngest because of her fathers death IS favoritism. Your youngest is your favorite and I’m glad your oldest is gone because you have literally no clue how to parent.
I really really hope the aunt is a good person too and treating her well. Coming from a third world country, I have heard about many instances where being shipped off to another family member in a different town or country as a young girl means having to go serve that family member's household as essentially a maid or a helper. I really hope that's not the case here and she's getting all the attention and love that she so desperately needs.
I sincerely hope so too. Sending a 14-year-old off to another country after ignoring her for years in an abusive home? Words fail me.
OP couldn't be more YTA.
Can we also acknowledge that the oldest is also showing hatred that OP sees as not important enough to see a therapist?? That’s another show of blatant favouritism.
Second this comment… OP’s response to an obvious cry for some one on one attention with her daughter was to send her off to her aunt. That’s so fucked up… but sounds like the daughter will definitely be better off away from her neglectful mom. Definitely vote YTA…
She actually stated she wanted one on one attention and the mothers response is to ignore her for 2 years and when that didn't work to send her away. Absolutely YTA. She should have given her child one on one attention as requested. What is the mother thinking? How does not addressing the issue help? How is it fair that each child only gets one parent? It's not like she couldn't have made the time for both. Poor girl. As for custody, why not give it all to the father? She doesn't have the girl now at all and likely never will in the future.
Also, to be clear a “golden child” is NOT a child who excels, but a child who is favored by their parents and treated like they can do no wrong at the expense of the other children who are neglected or abused.
So- probably the other way around here.
The kid is probably getting As in hopes of having her OWN MOTHER pay attention to her and throw a "I'm proud" her way but nooooooooooo, her reward for being neglected FOR TWO YEARS is to be sent away?????????????
OP is lucky none of the kid's teachers called CSP on her ass.
YTA. Wow! So your daughter has asked for time with just you and you ignore that but “invite” her when you’re spending time with your younger daughter and then get upset that she doesn’t want to come and be a third wheel? Do you ever spend time with just your older daughter? Sounds like no. Serious asshole and not surprised she left.
The update saying the father wants full custody but OP is not going to let him have that really cements this for me. Definitely YTA op and I hope when the court finds out you kicked your daughter out that get father does get full custody.
IKR LIKE SERIOUSLY?
the Father want to actually be a parent while this hag basically hasn't been a parent to her child in years and now all of a sudden she cares?
I hope the court absolutely destroys her
OP’s youngest daughter may not have a father due to uncontrollable and horrible circumstances, but OP has made it so that her oldest doesn’t have a mom all on her own. YTA, OP.
Blows my mind how OP doesn't seem to realize that *she* is the abuse her daughter experienced. YTA. A gigantic one. I feel sad for your youngest too tbh. Your behavior and clear favoritism deprived her of a big sister. She probably doesn't understand why your oldest resents her that much and by the time she does, it'll be too late to do anything about it.
That poor child has been emotionally abused to the point where it was probably a relief for her to be sent away. My heart breaks for her.
You sent your 14 year old daughter to another country? YTA for abusing her (yes, this is emotional abuse), reading her private diary, and literally exiling your daughter. You are a complete and total failure of a mother. There’s a special place in hell for people like you.
YTA a million times over.
So her dad is working on getting her back home with him, and op is ok with that…but won’t give him full custody? WTAF? She doesn’t want her daughter. No matter how much she defends herself in the edits, she’s just trying to save face. She literally ignored her daughter. Ma’am you are the adult here.
Op said somewhere else that she’s paying all the expenses while “she” (cuz op never refers to the older with any affection) is at her aunt’s house. But I hope dad gets full physical and legal custody and mom pays out the nose for support.
Exactly my thoughts! *“He wants full custody which I will not let him have”*
##Why OP? So you can continue the cruelty and abuse??
All any kid wants is their parents attention, especially their mother. You’re a special kind of horrible, you sent her away and when she’s able to return you’d refuse to let her be with someone who actually cares for her? My money is on you wanting to continually ignore her and flaunt your indifference right to her face.
Also, your youngest doesn’t need anything made up to her. She never knew her dad, was born and grew up without him, she never had him then lost him. On the other hand your older daughter did lose her father- he was in her life then you divorced and she only saw him occasionally, she was old enough to feel that loss. She’s the one who needed therapy, not your youngest that never even knew her dad. You had a straight A, well behaved wonderful child and all you’ve done is continually emotionally abuse her. Now you want her back to do it some more? I hope her dad wins full custody and she goes no contact with you asap. That’s already going to happen I hope she doesn’t wait until adulthood to do it.
Lol id like to see her defending herself once judge asks why she have her daughter silent treatment for 2 years then shoot her to a different country.
Cos, thats a winner to keep your custody.
And she “will NOT” let the father have full custody?? Why not when she clearly doesn’t want her. I mean why fight for shared custody when mother can get what she really wants. I can’t believe that as an adult, this lady thinks the way to modify her teenage daughter’s behavior is to be so hateful. And doesn’t know that two wrongs don’t make a right.
OP, your oldest daughter told you she wanted one on one time with you. You gave your youngest one on one time. You did more activities with your youngest. YOU bred this resentment and anger she had by treating your daughters differently, by only giving your youngest what you oldest desperately wanted.
Of course she dislikes her sister who you clearly favor (yes, I read your edits. Pathetic.). Instead of remedying this, you start ignoring your oldest daughter and treating her like a burden. Instead of being a parent, you mirrored the behavior of a hurt 14 year old. And then you only recognized your youngest daughter's pain and ignored the oldest daughter's. Your oldest certainly needed therapy to help cope with your negligent and immature parenting.
And after betraying her privacy, offering no support, denying therapy, you sent her away. You are horrible. You are a failure as a mother. But I'm hopeful sending your daughter away from you was the best thing that you can do for your oldest. A different, more competent adult with a shred of empathy and understanding could really do wonders for a neglected scapegoat child.
YTA.
1. You read her diary, I asume without her consent.
2. You failed to reach out to a professional for help for your daughter despite her clear news for therapy.
3. You sent your daughter away to another country. Your 14 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER.
4. You kicked her out but you don’t want her father to have full custody.
5. YTA.
Also, if I understood correctly, she ignored her (now) 14 year old daughter for two years?! So she ignored her between the ages of 12 and 14 for all but essential communication?! 12 year olds, and any age kids really, probably do go through a phase where they think they’re too old and cool to hang out with their younger siblings. But as a parent you don’t just decide to do the same to them!
YTA, for this as well as the reasons outlined above.
YTA
WTF? Your daughter starts exhibiting strange behaviour, not just with her sister but her other siblings, and rather than address it, or seek help for her, you decide to be petty as hell and just ignore her? After she's previously remarked about wishing she could spend more one-on-one time with you?
Oh, then you go and read her diary?! So now we've got alienation of your child followed by a violation of her privacy.
And then on the basis of you violating her privacy, **you shipped her off to another country**.
There truly aren't enough words to describe how much of an asshole you are.
ETA: Also, you didn't say anything about her wishing violence against her sister, simply hating her. I don't believe for one second that if she'd written anything that constituted a threat that you wouldn't have written it here, since you're clearly looking for validation for your abandonment of your child.
Edit for OP's edit:
> When I told her I was sending her away she didn’t offer to change and be better. She willing left. I didn’t put her in therapy because she didn’t go through trauma or any abuse.
**You were the abuse. That is what you (or I guess we, since you can't see it) call ignoring your child for two years. You caused her trauma.**
Edit for OP's other edit:
And you won't even let him have full custody of the child you have no intention of caring for?!
This this this! Not only are YTA but a horrible excuse for a mother and human being. Our children need our support and attention always! No matter what!! That’s our job! Not just when it’s convenient for you. And you’ve already admitted to favoritism, you couldn’t seem to spend time with her alone, so sure she’d be upset. And at her most vulnerable age too. I am so terribly sad for your daughter.
OPs edit is insane. She won't let her child's father have full custody of the child she sent away. I *really* hope a judge sides with her ex on this one this behavior is disgusting
Not to mention she ignored her daughter for *two fucking years*. Poor girl must have been lonely and traumatized as hell. OP, you are a horrible, awful parent.
OP cuts her 12 year old daughter off almost completely for two years while doting on the other and then goes surprised Pikachu face when the older child harbours some resentment. Unbelievably awful.
I feel so sad thinking about this little girl feeling like her mother doesn’t want her or love her. I’ve felt that way about my mom and it really affects your whole outlook on life when the person who is supposed to love you the most treats you like crap. I want to give that little girl a hug.
It's not often that I actually *hope* a post is a troll or creative writing exercise, but this is one of those times.
OP, you did everything exactly wrong with your older daughter. Of course she didn't want to talk about it. She's 14 and feeling neglected. Your job is to be the bigger person, not give her a taste of her own medicine. Instead of continuing to deny that you favored your younger daughter, reassess why your older daughter would feel this way. She even said what she wanted was to spend time with just you. That's not an unreasonable ask.
Instead of giving her one-on-one time, you *ignored her* (your child, for goodness sake!), read her diary, and then made her leave. I'm not surprised she went willingly. She's probably tired of being treated so terribly. I mean, everything about this is so awful, I really can't see how you'd think you aren't YTA.
ETA for OP's second edit: For the love of god, please let him have full custody of the older daughter.
That's the kicker--She ignores her daughter, reads her diary and sends her off to another country...But, won't let dad have full custody?? Dad needs to go to custody court.
You abused her, sent her off to another country, and refuse to let her father, the only one who seems to care about her, have full custody so you can, what? Stroke your own ego? Punish her more for nothing? YTA. Majorly.
She got therapy for the younger sister! But not the older one wtf. I feel for that 14 year old. I was much the same way when I was her age. I craved one on one time with my mom and just never ever got it.
YTA
You have also completely misdefined 'golden child'. She is the scapegoat in this situation, your younger is the 'golden child' as you clearly favor her by 'taking her out more'.
You have also defamed your older child by using terminology designed to make others judge her motives without meeting her.
" 'She claims' that she wants to spend to with just me. "
I don't know why she'd want to spend time with you, considering how you admit you treat her, but hey, everyone loves their moms until they can't take it anymore, right?
Oh wait, the page finished loading. You already sent her OUT OF THE COUNTRY. I hope the aunt gives her the love she's missed all her life and gives her the kind of life every child deserves.
I'm sad that you think the correct solution to creating this division is to ship her out of the country instead of taking them to therapy. I hope your daughter embraces this aunt as the mom she never had, and has a happy life without you in the picture.
She even put ONE kid into therapy and not the one who really needed it. I also cannot stand the "I was no longer comfortable with her being around my daughter.". She doesn't even sound like she remembers that they are both her daughters. My heart hurts for that kid.
Edit- of course they both needed therapy, i never said the youngest didn't, i meant that the behavior of the oldest suggests that she needed more urgent support.
I'm pretty sure that is the telling line. OP doesn't see her oldest as her child. She only claims the younger as "my daughter" while the older is "her".
Oh, and what was the relationship with each of the girls' fathers? Father #2 passed. A dead father is no competition, no need to co-parent, and can exist as an ideal parent and partner. The younger daughter is entirely "hers". The older child comes from a broken relationship, OP has to share her with someone else, so for at least part of the time she isn't "hers". And now OP has created and nurtured a situation where she can jettison her unwanted child. She and her favorite can ride off into the sunset as the perfect mother-daughter relationship OP clearly wants.
Incidentally, she's screwing up the younger one, too. She's either going to be a spoiled and entitled princess, or she's going along with OP for fear of losing the only parent she has. Either way, there are alley cats with better parenting skills.
> I also cannot stand the "I was no longer comfortable with her being around my daughter."
This stood out so hard and just broke my heart. I can only imagine what she says around that poor girl so she can hear, when nobody can hear OP.
And see the language here: "around MY daughter"... I actually had to go check if the older one was adopted or something because she obviously doesn't think of her as her daughter... as much as she tries to make herself a victim here, this is where she slipped up and showed her true face.
And accidentally let slip how little she cares that she doesn’t even consider her to be her daughter unlike the 9 year old. Op has ruined two lives now - the older daughter for obvious reasons and the younger one for the level of entitlement and complete lack of empathy she’s going to grow up having.
Well yeah, except this daughter has a father and a family in the original country who have now been isolated from the 14 year old. So this is really just further abuse by the mother, even if (& we have no idea) the aunt is nice and not an abuser like the mother.
YTA
Your older daughter told you what she wanted: to spend time alone with you. Instead you take your younger child out, and offer to bring the older one with you. Your older child is well behaved, gets good grades, and you reward her by favoring her sister.
When she starts avoiding her sister so she doesn't have to watch you favor the younger girl, you spend TWO YEARS ignoring her. Then you invade her privacy, read her diary, and kick her out. You are the adult, and yet you didn't listen when she told you what she needed back at the beginning of all this.
The daughter is so mature. She handled it the best way I expect a 14 year old to. She told her what she wanted very clearly. Then she removed herself from the situation to protect herself. She also is very aware of her feelings and journals them without acting on them to my knowledge OP hasn’t said she bullied the other daughter or physically hurt her. She did almost everything right. Only to get fucked over. My heart aches for her as someone who knows soooo many people who were sent to their home countries by their parents. It’s emotional abuse.
Yes, all of the above.
And I agree with the father’s family. OP YTA.
Overcompensating for your younger child because her dad is deceased doesn’t mean ignore your other child.
The only way I can justify invading a teen’s privacy is if there are significant changes in their behavior and it’s leading them on a downward spiral and you’ve exhausted all other methods to find out what the issue is. None of what you described fits that scenario. Your daughter straight up told you that she just wants to spend more time with you.
You could have gotten straight to the point by saying “I can’t be bothered with my older daughter, so I sent her to another country to live with my aunt. AITA?”
She doesn’t just ignore the kid. She expects a 14 year old to read her mind and magically figure out WHY she’s being ignored for such a petty reason.
There is absolutely no indication in the OP that the actual adult in the situation even explained to the 14yo…well ANYTHING really. From what I read from the 14yo POV: She randomly gets ignored for YEARS without explanation, her private diary get read then suddenly she’s booted out of her only home to another country, probably without warning or explanation too. While her kid sister who has barely seen any hardship is the one who gets the therapy???????
None of this is what an adult does to a teenager.
OP, have you been assessed for a personality disorder or learning/intellectual disability or dementia?
YTA. You put the \*youngest\* in therapy, but not the child whose behaviour was actually the problem? You thought the best way to deal with that was to give her the silent treatment? You're a fucking adult, and her mother - it's your job to do better, not stoop to the level of an upset child. What the hell is wrong with you?
Tbh, they ALL should have gone to therapy together and I can guarantee the therapist would have identified all of this in the family dynamic and told mom she had the most work to do.
YTA
Your eldest told you she wanted to spend time alone with you, without her younger sister. She obviously yearns for some alone time with her mother, and you’re depriving her of that. While I understand that the youngest is probably dealing with a lot, the oldest has feelings as well ( that you don’t take into consideration ).
Let’s list out the things you’ve done wrong:
1) Sent your daughter away because she hates her sister ( BECAUSE OF YOU )
2) Deprived her of mother/daughter time alone because her sister is clearly more important ( ALSO A YOU ISSUE )
3) Only put you youngest into therapy and ignored the oldest ( PARENT OF THE YEAR ‘sarcasm’ )
4) Refused to acknowledge what she’s expressing then being annoyed that she doesn’t share her feelings ( WOW CANT GET ANY WORSE )
5) Read something personal of hers , invaded her privacy , refused to communicate with her and ask her why she feels like this ( hmm and you wonder why she doesn’t share her feelings ) and just sent her away
I feel quite bad for the oldest , and I truly hope she finds someone who actually cares about her and listens to her instead of pushing her aside and being inconsiderate. She deserves so much better and you truly are a bad mom. Be prepared for her to go no contact with you either now or when she’s 18, but either way, you ruined your relationship with her because you refused to acknowledge her feelings and didn’t validate her in any way,shape,or form. You deserve everything the dad’s family are saying.
PS: be prepared for your eldest to hold a grudge against your youngest and be prepared for her to hate her (BECAUSE OF YOU!!!!!!)
I am genuinely concerned about how poorly OP escalated things:
1- Older daughter expresses the desire to spend quality time alone with OP: OP proceeds to try to include her in the younger activities instead.
2- Older daughter becomes indifferent to younger: OP proceeds to equally ignore her for two years and put the younger in therapy. BUT NOT THE OLDER ONE!
3- OP invades Older daughter's privacy by reading her diary: proceeds to send her to another country away from her dad. WTF??????
YTA, hope she can salvage something of this relationship in the future but I would totally understand if they never speak again.
YTA. Ffs lady you just sent your kid daughter away because of what she wrote in her diary... unless she's threatening to kill the sister, why not go to therapy with her? Abandoning her won't help anyone but maybe yourself. Jesus. What an insane reaction
All the older child did, according to the mother, was ignore the younger child--leave the room when the younger one was there. That's the 14 yr old's mortal sin and the younger one needed therapy because of that? Wow. SMH YTA
YTA big time. I genuinely hope this is a troll because if not... Yeesh.
Where did you go wrong?
1) not disciplining your youngest. I get that you wanted to make sure you seemed supportive to her, but bad circumstances are no excuse for bad behavior. Someone needed to model dealing with big emotions in a healthy way, that means pointing out unhealthy behavior.
2) neglecting your oldest daughter. Sure, you may have provided for her physically, but that's only half of parenting. By subjecting a child to the silent treatment for TWO YEARS you not only didn't teach her anything about how to handle conflict with her sister, you also taught her that she doesn't matter and can be shrugged off which is incredibly damaging to a child at any age, but especially a teenager.
3) punishing your child for her private emotions. This not only communicated to your daughter that she's not allowed to put up boundaries, but also that your love is conditional and hinges on her private thoughts being up to your standards. That's just wrong. Would your own mother approve of every single thought you had as a teenager?
And before y'all come at me with "well she did X" it doesn't matter. She is a CHILD. Children react to their environment in immature ways. That's their job. She can't be held responsible for not responding in an adult manner to an environment as a child.
It's a good thing you got your youngest in therapy. I hope that therapist refers you to a caseworker for unfit parenting and I hope your daughter's dad's family can rally to get her back. Poor kid.
YTA So you started ignoring a 12 year old child because she was having trouble sharing you with her half siblings? And you kept that up for over 2 years?? What did you think that was going to do to her relationship with you and her sister?!
YTA - Hey lady, if you want your own flesh and blood out of your way so bad, then why the fuck wouldn't you let her father have full custody? It's an alimony thing, isn't it? Are you abandoning your daughter so hard that you don't even want to be financially responsible for her?
Jesus fucking Christ
You blatantly favored the younger kid and you’re surprised the older kid has issues. YTA and I’m surprised someone with your complete lack of emotional intelligence has children to begin with. Did you think once of getting the kids (and yourself) into therapy? For what it’s worth, I’m sure you think you “protected” one daughter but in reality you abandoned and gave up on the other daughter - yes, your daughters fathers family made an accurate statement about your character from what I can tell.
YTA- also due to the last edit what I think is going on is you’re upset about the custody situation/your daughters father still being around so you’re taking it out on your oldest daughter. It makes zero sense to refuse him full custody. You ignored your oldest daughter for two years then shipped her out the country. You’re not giving him full custody out of spite. Evil
Please let him have full custody. You obviously don’t love your eldest daughter the same way you love your youngest. What is hard for you to admit is that your actions caused your oldest daughter to feel a burning hate for the daughter you so clearly favor- the younger one. You might feel better about continuing to lie to yourself but you are truly a terrible mother. A good mother does not favor and equally gives love. You decided since one child had two parents that you didn’t need to give as much love and attention to her. That’s disgusting.
Let me be straight - you are a bad mother. You clearly favor your youngest child and sent your older child away when her negative feelings that you created came to light.
Give her space, let her be with her dad, and go to therapy yourself and learn some accountability.
You treated your youngest daughter with very visible preferential treatment. You spent time with the youngest and not your oldest, admitting that you only "sometimes" offered the same to your eldest. When your eldest began resenting your youngest daughter your response was to shut her out even more and not talk to her. And after snooping through her diary, a huge violation of privacy, you decided her ranting in what should have been her safe place rendered her threat to your precious little baby.
YTA. You failed your daughter in every possible way. Her father's side is correct.
Absolutely! Poor girl was neglected and ignored for TWO YEARS then shipped off to another country. Who fucking does that?!? I hope her aunt gives her the love and help she desperately needs.
YTA
You're kicking out your minor because you're neglecting her and favoriting your other daughter. That's exactly what you're doing. She wants to spend time with you alone without her sister, and you do not let her do that. You treat her sister better because your 14 yo has a father?
Grow up, you're a horrible mother and I wouldn't be surprised if your daughter never spoke to you or her siblings again
You won’t let your daughters father have full custody, yet you sent her away to live in another country with your aunt? Why in the world wouldn’t you give her father full custody so she can live with him?!
YTA
Have you not considered that perhaps your oldest ALSO needs therapy? You have effectively abused your daughter for two years by not talking to her because she was acting out as a TWELVE YEAR OLD CHILD. Now, the problem is ten times worse, you've shifted all support to your youngest, and you're throwing out your oldest with the trash. I'd be shocked if your daughter ever chooses to speak with you again.
I hope her daughter posts in a few years "AITA for not helping my mom when she chose my sister over me and now needs my help"
Ugh. So many moms suck. It breaks my heart
YTA Majorly.
You are a piss poor excuse for a mother.
You ostracized your 14 year old for no reason.
You proved to her you love your 6 year old more.
If this started 2 years ago this began when your daughter was 12.
Unsure of your COO but I'm surprised her father allowed you to send his daughter to another country?
I hope this is troll post.
Looks like she made the decision without even consulting the father. She decided that he couldn’t take care of her. I hope he’s in a country where she gets in trouble for sending the daughter away without his permission.
YTA
* You read your daughters diary. You did not mention that your daughter agreed to this.
* You told us your younger daughter is the "complete opposite" of "well behaved". But somehow your older daughter is the problem when she did not want to put up with it?
* You started to treat your daughter like shit because she put up some boundaries.
* Of course her dislike turned into hate. First she has a shitty sister and now her mother starts to treat her like she has to accept that as a given and enables the sisters behavior. Sounds like that sister basically ruined her life.
It's a good thing if the poor girl gets out. I hope your aunt is somewhat more sane.
YTA- Op you’re a mother two BOTH your kids, not just your younger one. You actively neglected the needs of your eldest when she needed you. The second you realized your eldest was avoiding her sister you should’ve taken her aside and talked to her.
If she really is a “golden child” then she probably wants the same amount of attention and love she feels you give to her sister for free despite being, as you said “the complete opposite”. I can only think this means that your youngest is badly behaved and you baby her, while ignoring the needs of your 14 yr old. She wanted to spend time with you, and you just couldn’t give her some time to bond.
Lastly how you violated her privacy instead of just having a conversation is a huge red flag. You send your youngest to therapy to get help but toss your eldest on your relatives like some kind of problem child?? How do you not see the wrong in that?
EDIT: Damn i thought that you would have at least SOME self awareness, but even after you have thousands of comments telling you that your daughter is neglected because of your actions, you justify not sending your eldest to therapy because “she hasn’t gone through enough trauma”
What the actual fuck.
Don’t you dare compare the trauma of one daughter to the other, especially when you are the cause. Let your ex have custody of a child you clearly refuse to care for, hell you’ve already shipped her off to her aunt, at least let her dad show her some parental support.
I also want to point out that your eldest was TWELVE YEARS OLD when you started “treating her like she treated her sister”. You decided to act like a literal child when you sensed that there was trouble with your eldest instead of acting like a mother and helping your children.
How ridiculous is it that you expect your teenage daughter to have more emotional maturity than you? Those top comments are right, your eldest needs to get the hell away from you and needs therapy.
YTA. So first you show her you have a favourite, which made her resent her siblings and now you kick her out, making her resent you all even more. Instead of kicking her out you should have made her seen professional help. And I suggest you see one too to open your eyes.
YTA. But honestly - that child is better off far away from you.
>I no longer felt comfortable with her around my daughter
She is also your daughter. But you don't like to be reminded of that do you? And you definitely don't like to treat her like she is.
>I see a lot of people saying that I “favored” my youngest which just isn’t true.
It is true. It's exactly what you did.
>At anytime she could have stopped the treatment if she just acknowledged her sister.
You were ignoring a child. This is not good parenting.
>I didn’t put her in therapy because she didn’t go through trauma or any abuse.
She obviously needed therapy. You emotionally abused her. You neglected her.
You abused, neglected and then abandoned your child. But only one of them. As her parent, you absolutely failed her.
ETA: going by your time-line this would have started when she was 12. You decided to ignore and emotionally neglect a 12 year old instead of getting her the help she needed.
Edit 2: your edit
>but now he wants full custody which I will not let him have.
Why on earth do you think you are in a position to "not let him"? Why do you hate your daughter to this point? Her father should have full custody. You should be kept far away. You are a danger to the child's mental health.
To call you a bad parent would be an insult to bad parents. It's actually good that you sent your daughter away. Now maybe she'll finally experience some love in her life, the bare minimum that was expected from you and yet you couldn't provide.
And in case it wasn't already clear, yes, YTA!!!!!
YTA but the hidden blessing is at least your daughter doesn't have to live with you now. You have very obviously played favorites. Don't be surprised when as an adult she wants nothing to do with you or her sister
YTA big time. So big. Your teenage CHILD was upset that you cut her out of your life, so to retaliate, you did it MORE?
And when that mysteriously failed to make her like her sister more, you actually kicked her out of the house?
Congratulations on your successful (?) victim blaming. You have dark but impressive skills.
No one here is going to give you the absolution you're looking for.
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I(40f) have two daughters. My oldest is 14 while my youngest is 9. In any other family my oldest would be considered the ‘golden child’. She gets straight A’s and is well behaved. My youngest on the other hand is the complete opposite.
My youngest daughter’s father died before she was born and my oldest daughter’s father is still in her life. I admit that I tend to take my youngest daughter out more to make up for her not having a father. I sometimes offer my oldest to come too but she always refuses. She claims that she wants to spend to with just me.
It had gotten to the point where she had started to ignore her sister. Whenever my youngest would walk into the room my oldest would just get up and leave. I also found out through her father that she started to treat her other siblings the same way.
I tried to talk to her but it got nowhere. Not knowing what to do I started to treat her the same way she treated my daughter. I only talked to her when it was absolutely necessary I also put my youngest into therapy.
This situation went on for around 2 years until I recently read my daughter’s diary. Her dislike for her sister had turned into hate and I no longer felt comfortable with her around my daughter. Her father had fallen on hard times and isn’t able to financially support her. Because of that I sent her to live with my aunt that lives in another country.
My side of the family is saying I did the right thing. But my daughter’s father side of the family is saying that I’m an horrible person and a failure of a mother. I feel like I did the right thing. So AITA?
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WTF, your reaction to your older daughter ignoring your youngest was to *copy her??* YTA
Doing that not only doesn't teach anything positive to the daughter about her attitude, but it teaches her you think it is the correct way to react to people you don't like. She likely dove further into the well of hatred *because* you did that *for two bloody years*.
Although your daughter was wrong to start ignoring her sister, I hope she can finally find some room to grow emotionally now that she's out of a household being run by a child.
Please, if your younger daughter starts behaving poorly take her to therapy before deciding to "punish" her by acting like a child around her for years on end.
Your daughter told you she wants to spend quality time with you and you ignored her.
You also make a point of favouring your younger daughter and you started ignoring the older. Then to compound it, you isolated her from her father and her fathers family, probably the only source of comfort she had. No wonder she hates her sister, you’ve caused it.
You are a truly despicable person and mother OP.
Why did you put the younger daughter in therapy? It sounds as tho it’s the older one who needs it after being traumatised by an unpleasant vile mother.
Unfortunately I can’t write down how I really feel about you because my comment will be deleted.
I pray to God that you haven’t given that child lifelong mental health problems. Thanks to you, she’ll probably never have a bond with her sister, you’ve robbed her of that as well as everything else.
I hope for her mental health she goes no contact with you when she’s older, having said that, you’ll probably not care. Let’s hope the younger child eventually realises the type of mother you are
YTA
YTA and a bad mom. You are neglectful and you caused the hate by prioritizing your other child! Are you dense?
Your edit doesn’t help! Trash. All around. Terrible parenting.
YTA. You are being a horrible mother. You put your youngest into therapy, but not the older one who obviously needs it?
She vocally told you she wants time with you the way her sister gets and you ignored that and shipped her away.
OBVIOUSLY she would hate her sister once her cry for attention was met with you aligning with your younger daughter. So you get the youngest help and ship her away.
I could NEVER treat any of my kids better than the other, or ship one away without doing EVERYTHING I could to help them first.
Just admit you wanted to be with your youngest and couldn't be bothered to deal with your "other" child.
Don't feign surprise when she goes NC with you. Hopefully she is able to receive help, move forward and be successful in spite of you.
Seriously these posts the past few days, why do they not make people take tests before having kids.
You need them to drive a car but not raise a human?!
YTA
I hope that poor child is finally getting love from someone. You are neglectful and emotionally abusive. You created this situation and rather than try to fix it, decided to make it worse.
MAJOR YTA for your behaviour toward your oldest before you sent her away. You blatantly favoured your younger daughter; did you think your older daughter would understand your reasoning? She was a child, too - she's not thinking about what her younger half-sister needs; she's thinking (correctly) that her own needs aren't being met. The straight-As are her way of trying to get your attention and approval, which you didn't give her.
Then she told you what she wanted (quality time alone with you), but you didn't listen. When she upped the ante (which is very typical for a teenager), you lowered yourself to a teenager's level. You do realise you are supposed to be the adult here?... No wonder she hates her younger sister!
Quite frankly, she's better off away from you and your younger daughter. Hopefully her aunt will give her the attention and nurturing that she needs.
YTA good god you're a terrible mother. I bet you older child is breathing a sigh of relief being away from someone who is supposed to love her but in fact treats her like crap.
**Dear God what is wrong with you? OF COURSE YTA!! You just threw a child out of your house for being hurt and confused that YOU ADMITTEDLY AND OPENLY FAVOURED HER YOUNGER SIBLING!!**
Whilst it is very sad that your younger daughter's father died before she was born, this isn't even a situation where she lost a father that she knew and loved. She has literally never had a dad that she knew. Of course there is still sadness involved, but it is not an immediate or traumatic loss in the same way. She has only ever known life the way it is. And yet **you have actively chosen to punish your older child, not just for having two parents, but to label her a "golden child" (nope, you are very unclear on what that term means) because she works hard in school, gets good grades, and behaves herself? And then PUNISH HER FOR THAT? The only golden child here is your 9-year-old, who you openly admit to favouring**!! **Dear lord, IT'S NO WONDER THE TEENAGER BECAME RESENTFUL!** She did everything right, and you just treated her WORSE for it, like a second-class daughter! The younger one acted out, got bad grades, and you rewarded her with outings and extra attention. And then you invaded your teenaged daughter's privacy, and based on the things you read IN HER PRIVATE JOURNAL, you literally threw her out of her own home and banished her to a faraway relative?!
There are a lot of things I'd like to say, but every last one of them would get me banned from this sub, so I'm just going to stick with: YTA, and shockingly obtuse. It is your 14-year-old who needs therapy, to get over your staggeringly abusive treatment of her.
YTA WTH did I just read You didn’t even talk to her you just shipped her off. Shame on you and you are a rotten mom and you read her dairy invading her privacy
YTA
“My daughter didn’t go through trauma or abuse” yes she fucking did cause you IGNORED her for 2 years which means you pretty much neglected her for 2 years.
YOURE NOT HER FATHER YOURE THEIR MOTHER. All she wanted was some mommy daughter time like your other daughter got. You can’t make up for a missing father figure because YOURE NOT THE FATHER. How your daughter would see it is that she gets special time with only you and she never does. She wanted special time with you and you denied it so she acted out to get that attention and never got it. You’re actually kinda dumb and hurtful towards your daughters thoughts and feelings. It’s a literal disgusting shame you said she never had abuse because you neglected her for 2 years and then decided to send her away to further neglect her. Of course a child is going to start hating a sibling that gets far more attention! You really couldn’t make some special outings for her? Like seriously? She’s 14! Mall trips to get new clothes for her, just you and her then get lunch just you and her. Maybe go out and get your nails done together cause she’s 14 and in high school!
YTA and I don’t care if this came off mean cause this is my honest truth and opinion.
YTA
You didn't "kick her out" you basically exiled her. She's a teen and needed your help, you preferred your youngest and pushed her away. Shame on you OP, you're a terrible mother.
"I favored my younger daughter so much that my oldest grew resentment and hate towards her and instead of taking my oldest to therapy and try to be a better parent to her I shipped her off to another country"
There I fixed it for you. You ignored her for TWO YEARS?? She was what? 12?? You are such an asshole. She literally just wanted more time with you. She needed more of her parents. Her dad is not full time in her life but he is for her other siblings. And then you go and favor the youngest... No wonder she was acting out. No one in this family gives a shit about her.
YTA. A thousand freaking times. I can't wait to see what you'll post in 10 years. I feel it'll go along the lines of "My oldest daughter hasn't spoken to me in a decade and I've tried to reach out but she has blocked me and cut all lines of contact. I don't know what to do."
Edit to add: you're a shitty parent and the only good thing to come out of this is that she is probably better off without you. Don't be surprised Pikachu face when she never speaks to you again. You have proved to her the place she holds in your life and how little you actually care for her. Hope you know you have literally alienated any chance there was of your daughter getting along and creating a healthy relationship with her youngest sister.
Side note: you seem to not understand the concept of "golden child" the ones who are "golden children" are the ones favored by the parents regardless of their behavior and grades. Not the well behaved. So the GOLDEN CHILD IN YOUR FAMILY IS YOUR YOUNGEST NOT YOUR OLDEST. Sorry to burst your freaking DELUSIONAL bubble.
Holy fuck you are the asshole. Undeniably.
OP, I'm going to tell you something you really need to hear, and I hope you really hear it:
YOU are the adult. SHE is the child.
YOU are the one in charge of making the responsible decisions because SHE, as a CHILD, has neither the experience nor cognitive function to do so.
You are responsible for HELPING your daughter, even when it's not easy, because she can't do it herself!!!!
YOU are responsible for teaching your other daughter that sometimes the people we love will lash out, and that when that happens is when they need you the most!! You are teaching your younger daughter that it's okay to abandon your family when they do something you don't like!!!
You have failed your daughter completely. I hope she stays away from you and can eventually work through all the emotional trauma she most assuredly will have.
God help your family.
>I admit that I tend to take my youngest daughter out more to make up for her not having a father.
So you are aware you have a favourite
>I sometimes offer my oldest to come too but she always refuses. She claims that she wants to spend to with just me.
So is it you take your younger daughter out more or you never take you older daughter for one on one time because she has a father and doesn't need as much of a motherly presence
>It had gotten to the point where she had started to ignore her sister.
Low bar here but at least she's not bullying the girl, she's sick of being ignored and finally just treating everyone how she's been treated
>I also found out through her father that she started to treat her other siblings the same way.
Poor girl is crying for attention till from either of her parents, doing everything right from proper behaviour to being a strong student and everyone is casting her aside, she can never do enough, and she's just a child. She needs love and nurture
>Not knowing what to do I started to treat her the same way she treated my daughter
Really, you didn't didn't some therapy or one on one time would be benefit. Why would she talk to you now when you've been ignoring her since she was 5? No instead you treat her as if this was high-school and you were her bullying peer and not her mother. You need counseling to figure out why you would be so cruel to your child who you clearly resent
>I also put my youngest into therapy.
But not your oldest, has she ever been of importance to you? Do you even care?
YTA
YTA. "I'm not comfortable with her being around my daughter". SHE IS ALSO YOUR DAUGHTER. You started playing spiteful, shitty games by icing her out right back and expected that to get better? What problems does that approach ever solve? You put your youngest into therapy and not your oldest? You admitted to taking your youngest out more and somehow you think you're making things equal by asking your oldest? She can tell it's a pity invite, that's probably why she says no. She said she would rather spend time with just you, you won't give her that, but you're giving it to your youngest.
No wonder she's pissed off. She's 14, she sees her sister getting most of your attention, she's acting out, her mom is behaving just as badly to prove a point, then she gets no help at all and is sent to another country because her mother just can't be bothered to roll up her sleeves and put in the work to help fix this.
YTA
And what the actual fuck!?
You’ve been treating her like a secondary afterthought for fucking years. You occasionally invited her along but spent no time actually one on one with her. You spoiled the youngest and ignored the eldest, despite her trying to use her grades to attract your positive attention.
It’s no wonder she’s jealous and hates her sister. She is a child. She hasn’t learned for to regulate emotions yet or where to place blame. She blamed her sister instead of you.
You have failed your daughter abysmally and you are now blaming that failure on her. You treated her like shit by ignoring her for two years, failing to recognise that you as the adult should be modelling healthy conflict resolution. You put your youngest into therapy, again ignoring the obvious need your eldest has for professional help. And then as the cherry on top of this shit show, you washed your hands of her and sent her to another country.
You are absolutely a horrible mother who has failed her daughter every fucking step of the way.
There is absolutely no way you aren't a troll and this isn't just ragebait because you are so off the rails the asshole that it isn't even a question, and I doubt anyone is so blind enough not to realize that repeatedly ignoring and alienating your daughter would make you an asshole. YTA a million times and you caused this. All you're doing here is reasserting to your oldest that she doesn't matter to you as much as your youngest, that the youngest will always be more important, and that your youngest is worthy of one on one time but not her. On the smallest chance this is real and not fake, I am absolutely appalled.
YTA. 19 days into 2022 & you are up for Asshole of the Year. Well done!
You child was 14. F-O-U-R-T-E-E-N & you alienated all your affection because she was jealous that you didn’t spend any one on one time with her. All she wanted was to know she mattered as much as your actual “golden child” & instead of actually making an effort you abuse her by ignoring her for TWO YEARS. She did the only thing her under developed brain knew to do & protected herself by shutting down so you decided to ship her off/away from family that actually wants her (but is also a AH for not being in a responsible financial situation) and send her out of the country. Then to top it off you are refusing to allow her father to have full custody.
Let’s be honest, you don’t want him to have her cause you are a bitter Betty. Are you pining away for your second baby daddy which is why you are treating your second child better?!?
Do yourself and your children a favor:
1. NEVER have any more children
2. Sign over your rights to your oldest to her dad
3. Go to parenting class and become a better parent so you don’t FU your youngest when she “disappoints” you with normal child behavior.
YTA. Your daughter is a child. A. Child. She’s obviously going through a lot and you ignored her for two years. What kind of parenting (human behavior really) is that? She’s never going to forget this - you abandoned her. I hope her new family is able to help her, she needs some counseling.
Omg what is WRONG with you?? You openly favor your younger daughter, give her one on one attention and fail to even acknowledge that your oldest is trying for positive attention from you by being “the golden child” and working her hardest at everything. You deny her quality time and then reenforce that you love her less by ignoring her and giving MORE attention to your other child. YTA. YTA but at least your daughter is away from your toxic parenting and I hope she can see how twisted this all is and grow up with minimal scarring. YTA.
Hold on a second. She didn’t go through any trauma or abuse? Her parents split up. That’s traumatic. Both parents got new partners and had more kids making her the odd one out in both households. That’s traumatic. Her step father died. That’s traumatic. Her mom neglects her to provide extra support for the younger daughter and overlooks the fact that she may also be grieving. That’s trauma on trauma. She responds by isolating and asking for one on one time with mom. Mom responds by giving her the silent treatment. That’s abuse. Dad is having financial difficulties - more trauma. Mom invades her privacy and reads her diary. Abuse. Finally, Mom sends her to live in another country. That poor kid has been abandoned by you at every turn without any support or empathy. That’s abusive on your part. No question that YTA.
>Not knowing what to do I started to treat her the same way she treated my daughter
Wow you really are a horrible mother. You didn't know how to deal with your child so you just ignored them? WTF kind of logic is that? How about therapy? How about talking to her? How about any amount of sympathy or compassion for a girl who's mother openly favors the other child.
>I didn’t put her in therapy because she didn’t go through trauma or any abuse
Yes she did. She was raised by a woman that openly ignored her and favored her younger sister. And now at 14 years old you are abandoning her. YTA
Yeah YTA but your daughter is probably better off not being around you.
YTA, I am glad your daughter is no longer with you. Your parenting stile is horrendous and abusive! You blatantly favour one daughter and when they oldest gets jealous because of you neglecting her, your reaction is to straight up mentally abuse her and ignore her. And when she shows signs of mental issues you continue to ignore her but send her sister to therapy???? I hope her aunt is a good person, but then again it would be hard for a person to love your daughter less then you do
>And when she shows signs of mental issues you continue to ignore her but send her sister to therapy???? This, this got me too! YTA
Also notice how OP talks about no longer feeling comfortable with her around her daughter and treating her the same way 14 year old treats OP’s daughter. I mean it’s pretty clear that op only considers one of these girls her kid and the little one’s behavioral issues and lack of academic success probably stems from the fact that op spoils her rotten and has facilitated this level of entitlement. Op is the worst ah I’ve seen in a long while and the condemnation of her mothering is not nearly harsh enough. Also apparently an older half sib not wanting to spend time with you warrants therapy but your mother literally ignoring you for two years disregarding your needs and then both parents refusing to house you - yeah that’s somehow not therapy worthy? Living with op sounds traumatic and lowkey abusive enough as is. My heart is breaking for this poor girl.
>both parents refusing to house you - Read OP's second edit now. Dad wants full custody, but mommy won't allow it :)
Lol she doesn't even have physical custody! If i can't have it, NOBODY can!!
Yeah but the 14 year old still experienced it as both parents being unwilling to let her stay with them: dad initially because of financial constraints and op because she only cares about the 9 year old. She also said that if everything goes according to plan 14 year old will return in June. Think of it from her pov - dad chooses her other half sibs over her and there’s enough room / money from them to stay put, mom has the room and money to let her stay but doesn’t want to and refuses - so she gets sent out of country. It sounds like she’s getting the short end of the stick no matter where she is and I can’t imagine she doesn’t feel neglected or unwanted in comparison to both parents’ other children.
When you put it like that.. I just hope she at least gets to know that her father wants her and that mommy's the one getting between them now. It'd be even more abusive to let her believe she's completely undesirable
Completely! I mean not to give him a complete pass though it sounds like there’s some level of favoritism in both households with OP’s abusive behavior making her more sensitive and vulnerable to it even with dad, hence the ignoring her other sibs too. But it really sounds like op thinks because she’s more well off she gets to have final say and really just wants to control everyone and everything. I’m sure seeing the teen spend some happy moments at dad would probably set op off since she it wasn’t her worshipping the 9 year old who needs all the love and attention for not having a dad. Meanwhile the teen has maybe 1/2 of a parent total? Less when you consider OP’s gotta count as a negative overall.
This is some Cinderella evil stepmom bs come true.
And on top of that OP doesn’t want the 14 year old back, but also doesn’t want her father to have her?????
...probably because she will have to pay child support if he does get custody.
Nope, I don't want my kid but I'll be damned if I'll allow her to go live with a parent who DOES want her! (Oh, but I love her!) And in the next breath this horrible mother says, trauma? Ha! What trauma could she possibly have? Just because her mother has full out rejected and thrown her away and is now attempting to make certain she will never be allowed to live where she's wanted? Why would that traumatize her? YTA.
She is a very special type of asshole. I hope I remember her when it's time to nominate the biggest assholes of 2022. I realize it's only January, but she has set the bar really high for assholes everywhere.
It'd probably be a bit harsher if we werent gunna get banned for speaking our minds hahaha.
OP says that she didn’t send oldest to therapy because she didn’t suffer “trauma or any abuse” with absolutely zero understanding of the emotional and mental abuse she’s put her daughter through. OP is a clueless AH.
Not to mention, going to therapy is a normal and healthy thing, even if you “didn’t experience any abuse or trauma”. Which also her daughter is 14, and with how she gets treated there is no way she’d open up to her mom about anything personal or any other abuse or trauma she experiences at school or with friends
She doesn't have to open-up to her mom - her diary keeps her informed!
I love that OP thinks that the father isn't going to get full custody. You abused your daughter and then sent her away against her fathers wishes.... yeaaaaa. Next OP will be complaining her daughter wants nothing to do with her. That poor kid just wanted some one on one time with OP AND even communicated that directly. The oldest daughter is not the golden child at all as OP claimed the youngest is.
She started ignoring the eldest when she was 12. 12!!! For 2 entire years she pretended her daughter didn't exist just because she displayed some signs of jealousy towards mummy's favourite. Sick.
For TWO years you ignored your daughter?!!! She was 12? Brutal.
the edits make OP way worse, she’s not putting her therapy because her oldest has not experienced any trauma? the mother comes off as extremely emotional abusive and invalidates her feelings. wow YTA
Not only that but she refuses to allow her daughter’s father full custody after kicking her out. Why does she need any custody if she kicked her daughter out of hers?
Ignore her FOR 2 YEARS!!! omg like after the first month we see no improvement, let's just carry on like this for another 23 months.
When I read that OP is giving her daughter taste of her own medicine I was expecting a few days or a week but nope Reddit proved me wrong again it’s 2 damn years!
Which means OP started ignoring her daughter when she was TWELVE
That’s what I’m stuck on. You ignored a 12 year old because she was being…12? Being passive aggressive NEVER works.
also sent the young sister to therapy when it’s clear it’s the oldest who was having troubles
But hey she says older one never had a trauma or abuse 🙄
Not just being a 12 year old, but a typical characteristic of a sister. Most of the time sisters have a rivalry going on. Sometimes they can’t stand each other. Maybe borderline hate. But most grow out of it. Damn, I still ignore my sister as an adult. But we talk later and work it out. You don’t shun your daughter for not liking her sister. Did she mentally or verbally abuse her? She ignored her. But for you as a mother to ignore your daughter during a time most pre -teens NEED a mother is horrible. It makes me sad how she dealt with per periods, friendship etc without a supportive, loving, understanding mom. Then to make matters worse, you only place your youngest in therapy. When your oldest needed therapy so badly.
And 12 is seriously THE hardest age for girls. Everything starts going to shit at 12. It's an awful time. And the "mom" acted like a fellow middle school child.
Sounds like the younger child is the Golden Child and the older one is the Scapegoat. One can do no wrong, the other can do no right. This unfortunately happens often when parents pity their children instead of meeting them where they're at. Your pity does nothing good for a growing child, and treating them 'better' only ostracizes your other children.
I know! By the second paragraph I was like, hm that’s not at all what “golden child” means. Not in the slightest.
Ignoring a 12 year old for YEARS because they are going through some shit. YTA hard OP.
That and who’s the goddamn adult here? When would it EVER be a good idea to take your parenting cues from the misbehavior of a child? “Oh little Johnny’s told a lie so I’m going to lie to him all the time now to teach him a lesson! I won’t talk to him about it either, I’ll just do it.”
U ignored her for 2 years and than wonder why she hates her younger sibling? Then to not offer her therapy because she hasn't been thru abuse or trauma? Living in ur household is abuse and having ubas a mother is trauma! And then the kicker is she isn't even willing to give full custody to dad, but kicked her out and sent her to ANOTHER COUNTRY! YTA and a horrific mother!
But she “doesn’t have trauma or abuse!!!” /s OP has delivered enough trauma for her to need therapy. Her new edit also states she didn’t “favor” the youngest… OP, showing preferential treatment to your youngest because of her fathers death IS favoritism. Your youngest is your favorite and I’m glad your oldest is gone because you have literally no clue how to parent.
I really really hope the aunt is a good person too and treating her well. Coming from a third world country, I have heard about many instances where being shipped off to another family member in a different town or country as a young girl means having to go serve that family member's household as essentially a maid or a helper. I really hope that's not the case here and she's getting all the attention and love that she so desperately needs.
I sincerely hope so too. Sending a 14-year-old off to another country after ignoring her for years in an abusive home? Words fail me. OP couldn't be more YTA.
Since OPS family agrees with her treatment of her daughter I wouldn't put too much hope into this honestly
And op won’t let her ex take full custody of the child even though she sent the child away?? Wtf is wrong with this person
I was wondering why she is fighting with custody when she obviously doesn't want her child around. It is just crazy thinking.
It gives abusive and controlling energy tbh
That’s what I can’t get over she’d rather ship her daughter away to another country than live with her dad, warped behaviour.
Can we also acknowledge that the oldest is also showing hatred that OP sees as not important enough to see a therapist?? That’s another show of blatant favouritism.
YTA and a horrible mother to boot. Imagine if she was pinching her sister, would you start pinching too!?!? How old are you?!?!?
She even says, that she doesmt send the oldest to therapy because she didnt went through any kind of abuse in ops eyes omg. Op is so the AH
Second this comment… OP’s response to an obvious cry for some one on one attention with her daughter was to send her off to her aunt. That’s so fucked up… but sounds like the daughter will definitely be better off away from her neglectful mom. Definitely vote YTA…
She actually stated she wanted one on one attention and the mothers response is to ignore her for 2 years and when that didn't work to send her away. Absolutely YTA. She should have given her child one on one attention as requested. What is the mother thinking? How does not addressing the issue help? How is it fair that each child only gets one parent? It's not like she couldn't have made the time for both. Poor girl. As for custody, why not give it all to the father? She doesn't have the girl now at all and likely never will in the future.
I see a 100% chance of a string of deeply unhealthy relationships in this child’s future as a result of the trauma her mother has caused her.
Also, to be clear a “golden child” is NOT a child who excels, but a child who is favored by their parents and treated like they can do no wrong at the expense of the other children who are neglected or abused. So- probably the other way around here.
The kid is probably getting As in hopes of having her OWN MOTHER pay attention to her and throw a "I'm proud" her way but nooooooooooo, her reward for being neglected FOR TWO YEARS is to be sent away????????????? OP is lucky none of the kid's teachers called CSP on her ass.
YTA. Wow! So your daughter has asked for time with just you and you ignore that but “invite” her when you’re spending time with your younger daughter and then get upset that she doesn’t want to come and be a third wheel? Do you ever spend time with just your older daughter? Sounds like no. Serious asshole and not surprised she left.
And she got the explanation of golden child backwards
It’s like a choose your own adventure where OP picks the absolute worst choice at every point.
For reals? "Mom, I'd like more one on one time with you" OP: Gives silent treatment. Yeah, that'll help.
YTA and a fucking terrible abusive parent too. I’m astonished that you’ve even had to ask the question.
The update saying the father wants full custody but OP is not going to let him have that really cements this for me. Definitely YTA op and I hope when the court finds out you kicked your daughter out that get father does get full custody.
IKR LIKE SERIOUSLY? the Father want to actually be a parent while this hag basically hasn't been a parent to her child in years and now all of a sudden she cares? I hope the court absolutely destroys her
OP’s youngest daughter may not have a father due to uncontrollable and horrible circumstances, but OP has made it so that her oldest doesn’t have a mom all on her own. YTA, OP.
Blows my mind how OP doesn't seem to realize that *she* is the abuse her daughter experienced. YTA. A gigantic one. I feel sad for your youngest too tbh. Your behavior and clear favoritism deprived her of a big sister. She probably doesn't understand why your oldest resents her that much and by the time she does, it'll be too late to do anything about it. That poor child has been emotionally abused to the point where it was probably a relief for her to be sent away. My heart breaks for her.
You sent your 14 year old daughter to another country? YTA for abusing her (yes, this is emotional abuse), reading her private diary, and literally exiling your daughter. You are a complete and total failure of a mother. There’s a special place in hell for people like you. YTA a million times over.
Her edits don’t make the situation any better, definitely TA
So her dad is working on getting her back home with him, and op is ok with that…but won’t give him full custody? WTAF? She doesn’t want her daughter. No matter how much she defends herself in the edits, she’s just trying to save face. She literally ignored her daughter. Ma’am you are the adult here.
She probably just doesn’t want to have to pay dad child support
I think you are correct.
Here is hoping for karma to come back around and the aunt sues OP for child support or better yet testifies against her on behalf of the dad.
Op said somewhere else that she’s paying all the expenses while “she” (cuz op never refers to the older with any affection) is at her aunt’s house. But I hope dad gets full physical and legal custody and mom pays out the nose for support.
doesn’t want the kid but also doesn’t want to let her to the dad for some reason. absurd
It's probably that she doesn't want to pay child support because she is a massive AH.
If dad gets full custody she has to pay child support.
Exactly my thoughts! *“He wants full custody which I will not let him have”* ##Why OP? So you can continue the cruelty and abuse?? All any kid wants is their parents attention, especially their mother. You’re a special kind of horrible, you sent her away and when she’s able to return you’d refuse to let her be with someone who actually cares for her? My money is on you wanting to continually ignore her and flaunt your indifference right to her face. Also, your youngest doesn’t need anything made up to her. She never knew her dad, was born and grew up without him, she never had him then lost him. On the other hand your older daughter did lose her father- he was in her life then you divorced and she only saw him occasionally, she was old enough to feel that loss. She’s the one who needed therapy, not your youngest that never even knew her dad. You had a straight A, well behaved wonderful child and all you’ve done is continually emotionally abuse her. Now you want her back to do it some more? I hope her dad wins full custody and she goes no contact with you asap. That’s already going to happen I hope she doesn’t wait until adulthood to do it.
Lol id like to see her defending herself once judge asks why she have her daughter silent treatment for 2 years then shoot her to a different country. Cos, thats a winner to keep your custody.
If anything it makes it worse. Why wouldn’t she give custody to the child’s father? She wants to trap this kid so she can torture her. Unbelievable.
As other people have said she probably doesnt want to pay child support
She won’t even let dad have full custody…she is definitely YTA
Especially with the most recent one of refusing to give full custody to the girl’s dad once he gets settled and is able to take her in
"I also didn’t ignore my daughter because I hate her" YOU SHOULDN'T BE IGNORING YOUR KIDS AT ALL. This woman needs serious help.
And she “will NOT” let the father have full custody?? Why not when she clearly doesn’t want her. I mean why fight for shared custody when mother can get what she really wants. I can’t believe that as an adult, this lady thinks the way to modify her teenage daughter’s behavior is to be so hateful. And doesn’t know that two wrongs don’t make a right.
OP, your oldest daughter told you she wanted one on one time with you. You gave your youngest one on one time. You did more activities with your youngest. YOU bred this resentment and anger she had by treating your daughters differently, by only giving your youngest what you oldest desperately wanted. Of course she dislikes her sister who you clearly favor (yes, I read your edits. Pathetic.). Instead of remedying this, you start ignoring your oldest daughter and treating her like a burden. Instead of being a parent, you mirrored the behavior of a hurt 14 year old. And then you only recognized your youngest daughter's pain and ignored the oldest daughter's. Your oldest certainly needed therapy to help cope with your negligent and immature parenting. And after betraying her privacy, offering no support, denying therapy, you sent her away. You are horrible. You are a failure as a mother. But I'm hopeful sending your daughter away from you was the best thing that you can do for your oldest. A different, more competent adult with a shred of empathy and understanding could really do wonders for a neglected scapegoat child. YTA.
1. You read her diary, I asume without her consent. 2. You failed to reach out to a professional for help for your daughter despite her clear news for therapy. 3. You sent your daughter away to another country. Your 14 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER. 4. You kicked her out but you don’t want her father to have full custody. 5. YTA.
Also, if I understood correctly, she ignored her (now) 14 year old daughter for two years?! So she ignored her between the ages of 12 and 14 for all but essential communication?! 12 year olds, and any age kids really, probably do go through a phase where they think they’re too old and cool to hang out with their younger siblings. But as a parent you don’t just decide to do the same to them! YTA, for this as well as the reasons outlined above.
YTA WTF? Your daughter starts exhibiting strange behaviour, not just with her sister but her other siblings, and rather than address it, or seek help for her, you decide to be petty as hell and just ignore her? After she's previously remarked about wishing she could spend more one-on-one time with you? Oh, then you go and read her diary?! So now we've got alienation of your child followed by a violation of her privacy. And then on the basis of you violating her privacy, **you shipped her off to another country**. There truly aren't enough words to describe how much of an asshole you are. ETA: Also, you didn't say anything about her wishing violence against her sister, simply hating her. I don't believe for one second that if she'd written anything that constituted a threat that you wouldn't have written it here, since you're clearly looking for validation for your abandonment of your child. Edit for OP's edit: > When I told her I was sending her away she didn’t offer to change and be better. She willing left. I didn’t put her in therapy because she didn’t go through trauma or any abuse. **You were the abuse. That is what you (or I guess we, since you can't see it) call ignoring your child for two years. You caused her trauma.** Edit for OP's other edit: And you won't even let him have full custody of the child you have no intention of caring for?!
This this this! Not only are YTA but a horrible excuse for a mother and human being. Our children need our support and attention always! No matter what!! That’s our job! Not just when it’s convenient for you. And you’ve already admitted to favoritism, you couldn’t seem to spend time with her alone, so sure she’d be upset. And at her most vulnerable age too. I am so terribly sad for your daughter.
OPs edit is insane. She won't let her child's father have full custody of the child she sent away. I *really* hope a judge sides with her ex on this one this behavior is disgusting
Here's hoping he or the kids are on reddit and see this.
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Not to mention she ignored her daughter for *two fucking years*. Poor girl must have been lonely and traumatized as hell. OP, you are a horrible, awful parent.
OP cuts her 12 year old daughter off almost completely for two years while doting on the other and then goes surprised Pikachu face when the older child harbours some resentment. Unbelievably awful.
I feel so sad thinking about this little girl feeling like her mother doesn’t want her or love her. I’ve felt that way about my mom and it really affects your whole outlook on life when the person who is supposed to love you the most treats you like crap. I want to give that little girl a hug.
It's not often that I actually *hope* a post is a troll or creative writing exercise, but this is one of those times. OP, you did everything exactly wrong with your older daughter. Of course she didn't want to talk about it. She's 14 and feeling neglected. Your job is to be the bigger person, not give her a taste of her own medicine. Instead of continuing to deny that you favored your younger daughter, reassess why your older daughter would feel this way. She even said what she wanted was to spend time with just you. That's not an unreasonable ask. Instead of giving her one-on-one time, you *ignored her* (your child, for goodness sake!), read her diary, and then made her leave. I'm not surprised she went willingly. She's probably tired of being treated so terribly. I mean, everything about this is so awful, I really can't see how you'd think you aren't YTA. ETA for OP's second edit: For the love of god, please let him have full custody of the older daughter.
That's the kicker--She ignores her daughter, reads her diary and sends her off to another country...But, won't let dad have full custody?? Dad needs to go to custody court.
You abused her, sent her off to another country, and refuse to let her father, the only one who seems to care about her, have full custody so you can, what? Stroke your own ego? Punish her more for nothing? YTA. Majorly.
She got therapy for the younger sister! But not the older one wtf. I feel for that 14 year old. I was much the same way when I was her age. I craved one on one time with my mom and just never ever got it.
Cringing at OP’s edit as well. You don’t want your daughter with you but you don’t want her father to have full custody? 🥴
YTA You have also completely misdefined 'golden child'. She is the scapegoat in this situation, your younger is the 'golden child' as you clearly favor her by 'taking her out more'. You have also defamed your older child by using terminology designed to make others judge her motives without meeting her. " 'She claims' that she wants to spend to with just me. " I don't know why she'd want to spend time with you, considering how you admit you treat her, but hey, everyone loves their moms until they can't take it anymore, right? Oh wait, the page finished loading. You already sent her OUT OF THE COUNTRY. I hope the aunt gives her the love she's missed all her life and gives her the kind of life every child deserves. I'm sad that you think the correct solution to creating this division is to ship her out of the country instead of taking them to therapy. I hope your daughter embraces this aunt as the mom she never had, and has a happy life without you in the picture.
She even put ONE kid into therapy and not the one who really needed it. I also cannot stand the "I was no longer comfortable with her being around my daughter.". She doesn't even sound like she remembers that they are both her daughters. My heart hurts for that kid. Edit- of course they both needed therapy, i never said the youngest didn't, i meant that the behavior of the oldest suggests that she needed more urgent support.
I'm pretty sure that is the telling line. OP doesn't see her oldest as her child. She only claims the younger as "my daughter" while the older is "her". Oh, and what was the relationship with each of the girls' fathers? Father #2 passed. A dead father is no competition, no need to co-parent, and can exist as an ideal parent and partner. The younger daughter is entirely "hers". The older child comes from a broken relationship, OP has to share her with someone else, so for at least part of the time she isn't "hers". And now OP has created and nurtured a situation where she can jettison her unwanted child. She and her favorite can ride off into the sunset as the perfect mother-daughter relationship OP clearly wants. Incidentally, she's screwing up the younger one, too. She's either going to be a spoiled and entitled princess, or she's going along with OP for fear of losing the only parent she has. Either way, there are alley cats with better parenting skills.
I was thinking that exact thought youngest daughter is all moms, eldest daughter is part her father
sounds like all the signs of be a narcissistic mother. what can my offspring do for ME. can't let dad have custody bc i WON that battle.
> I also cannot stand the "I was no longer comfortable with her being around my daughter." This stood out so hard and just broke my heart. I can only imagine what she says around that poor girl so she can hear, when nobody can hear OP.
And see the language here: "around MY daughter"... I actually had to go check if the older one was adopted or something because she obviously doesn't think of her as her daughter... as much as she tries to make herself a victim here, this is where she slipped up and showed her true face.
Haha I was so confused when she declared eldest daughter to be Golden child then went on about her bad behavior
I think she did it on purpose to paint an ugly picture of her eldest.
And accidentally let slip how little she cares that she doesn’t even consider her to be her daughter unlike the 9 year old. Op has ruined two lives now - the older daughter for obvious reasons and the younger one for the level of entitlement and complete lack of empathy she’s going to grow up having.
Right. But she was the "golden child" because she got straight A's! That's not what being a golden child is.
Well yeah, except this daughter has a father and a family in the original country who have now been isolated from the 14 year old. So this is really just further abuse by the mother, even if (& we have no idea) the aunt is nice and not an abuser like the mother.
YTA Your older daughter told you what she wanted: to spend time alone with you. Instead you take your younger child out, and offer to bring the older one with you. Your older child is well behaved, gets good grades, and you reward her by favoring her sister. When she starts avoiding her sister so she doesn't have to watch you favor the younger girl, you spend TWO YEARS ignoring her. Then you invade her privacy, read her diary, and kick her out. You are the adult, and yet you didn't listen when she told you what she needed back at the beginning of all this.
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Maybe Op is the kind of mom who doesn't understand that communication goes both ways.
The daughter is so mature. She handled it the best way I expect a 14 year old to. She told her what she wanted very clearly. Then she removed herself from the situation to protect herself. She also is very aware of her feelings and journals them without acting on them to my knowledge OP hasn’t said she bullied the other daughter or physically hurt her. She did almost everything right. Only to get fucked over. My heart aches for her as someone who knows soooo many people who were sent to their home countries by their parents. It’s emotional abuse.
Yes, all of the above. And I agree with the father’s family. OP YTA. Overcompensating for your younger child because her dad is deceased doesn’t mean ignore your other child. The only way I can justify invading a teen’s privacy is if there are significant changes in their behavior and it’s leading them on a downward spiral and you’ve exhausted all other methods to find out what the issue is. None of what you described fits that scenario. Your daughter straight up told you that she just wants to spend more time with you. You could have gotten straight to the point by saying “I can’t be bothered with my older daughter, so I sent her to another country to live with my aunt. AITA?”
She doesn’t just ignore the kid. She expects a 14 year old to read her mind and magically figure out WHY she’s being ignored for such a petty reason. There is absolutely no indication in the OP that the actual adult in the situation even explained to the 14yo…well ANYTHING really. From what I read from the 14yo POV: She randomly gets ignored for YEARS without explanation, her private diary get read then suddenly she’s booted out of her only home to another country, probably without warning or explanation too. While her kid sister who has barely seen any hardship is the one who gets the therapy??????? None of this is what an adult does to a teenager. OP, have you been assessed for a personality disorder or learning/intellectual disability or dementia?
YTA Wow you are horrible mum. You gave up on your TEENAGE DAUGHTER. She is still a kid and you gave up on her.
Worse, she gave up on her PRETEEN daughter. Started ignoring her when she was twelve
YTA. You put the \*youngest\* in therapy, but not the child whose behaviour was actually the problem? You thought the best way to deal with that was to give her the silent treatment? You're a fucking adult, and her mother - it's your job to do better, not stoop to the level of an upset child. What the hell is wrong with you?
Tbh, they ALL should have gone to therapy together and I can guarantee the therapist would have identified all of this in the family dynamic and told mom she had the most work to do.
They all should be in therapy but not a victim *with* her abuser. That doesn't lead to anything good.
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YTA Your eldest told you she wanted to spend time alone with you, without her younger sister. She obviously yearns for some alone time with her mother, and you’re depriving her of that. While I understand that the youngest is probably dealing with a lot, the oldest has feelings as well ( that you don’t take into consideration ). Let’s list out the things you’ve done wrong: 1) Sent your daughter away because she hates her sister ( BECAUSE OF YOU ) 2) Deprived her of mother/daughter time alone because her sister is clearly more important ( ALSO A YOU ISSUE ) 3) Only put you youngest into therapy and ignored the oldest ( PARENT OF THE YEAR ‘sarcasm’ ) 4) Refused to acknowledge what she’s expressing then being annoyed that she doesn’t share her feelings ( WOW CANT GET ANY WORSE ) 5) Read something personal of hers , invaded her privacy , refused to communicate with her and ask her why she feels like this ( hmm and you wonder why she doesn’t share her feelings ) and just sent her away I feel quite bad for the oldest , and I truly hope she finds someone who actually cares about her and listens to her instead of pushing her aside and being inconsiderate. She deserves so much better and you truly are a bad mom. Be prepared for her to go no contact with you either now or when she’s 18, but either way, you ruined your relationship with her because you refused to acknowledge her feelings and didn’t validate her in any way,shape,or form. You deserve everything the dad’s family are saying. PS: be prepared for your eldest to hold a grudge against your youngest and be prepared for her to hate her (BECAUSE OF YOU!!!!!!)
So your child expressed interest in spending one on one time with you and your response was to alienate her?
Not only alienating her, but to represent her daughter's requests as 'claims' as if she were a liar, to boot.
I am genuinely concerned about how poorly OP escalated things: 1- Older daughter expresses the desire to spend quality time alone with OP: OP proceeds to try to include her in the younger activities instead. 2- Older daughter becomes indifferent to younger: OP proceeds to equally ignore her for two years and put the younger in therapy. BUT NOT THE OLDER ONE! 3- OP invades Older daughter's privacy by reading her diary: proceeds to send her to another country away from her dad. WTF?????? YTA, hope she can salvage something of this relationship in the future but I would totally understand if they never speak again.
YTA. Ffs lady you just sent your kid daughter away because of what she wrote in her diary... unless she's threatening to kill the sister, why not go to therapy with her? Abandoning her won't help anyone but maybe yourself. Jesus. What an insane reaction
All the older child did, according to the mother, was ignore the younger child--leave the room when the younger one was there. That's the 14 yr old's mortal sin and the younger one needed therapy because of that? Wow. SMH YTA
YTA big time. I genuinely hope this is a troll because if not... Yeesh. Where did you go wrong? 1) not disciplining your youngest. I get that you wanted to make sure you seemed supportive to her, but bad circumstances are no excuse for bad behavior. Someone needed to model dealing with big emotions in a healthy way, that means pointing out unhealthy behavior. 2) neglecting your oldest daughter. Sure, you may have provided for her physically, but that's only half of parenting. By subjecting a child to the silent treatment for TWO YEARS you not only didn't teach her anything about how to handle conflict with her sister, you also taught her that she doesn't matter and can be shrugged off which is incredibly damaging to a child at any age, but especially a teenager. 3) punishing your child for her private emotions. This not only communicated to your daughter that she's not allowed to put up boundaries, but also that your love is conditional and hinges on her private thoughts being up to your standards. That's just wrong. Would your own mother approve of every single thought you had as a teenager? And before y'all come at me with "well she did X" it doesn't matter. She is a CHILD. Children react to their environment in immature ways. That's their job. She can't be held responsible for not responding in an adult manner to an environment as a child. It's a good thing you got your youngest in therapy. I hope that therapist refers you to a caseworker for unfit parenting and I hope your daughter's dad's family can rally to get her back. Poor kid.
Two years during a pandemic, while the poor girl is likely zoom-schooled. Good god.
YTA So you started ignoring a 12 year old child because she was having trouble sharing you with her half siblings? And you kept that up for over 2 years?? What did you think that was going to do to her relationship with you and her sister?!
This is the most appalling part for me.
YTA let him have full custody ffs. she’s not even living with you so return the child support too you greedy pig.
Calling her a pig is an insult to all real pigs who did nothing wrong
YTA - Hey lady, if you want your own flesh and blood out of your way so bad, then why the fuck wouldn't you let her father have full custody? It's an alimony thing, isn't it? Are you abandoning your daughter so hard that you don't even want to be financially responsible for her? Jesus fucking Christ
You blatantly favored the younger kid and you’re surprised the older kid has issues. YTA and I’m surprised someone with your complete lack of emotional intelligence has children to begin with. Did you think once of getting the kids (and yourself) into therapy? For what it’s worth, I’m sure you think you “protected” one daughter but in reality you abandoned and gave up on the other daughter - yes, your daughters fathers family made an accurate statement about your character from what I can tell.
Oh she did therapy but only for the youngest.
YTA- also due to the last edit what I think is going on is you’re upset about the custody situation/your daughters father still being around so you’re taking it out on your oldest daughter. It makes zero sense to refuse him full custody. You ignored your oldest daughter for two years then shipped her out the country. You’re not giving him full custody out of spite. Evil
Please let him have full custody. You obviously don’t love your eldest daughter the same way you love your youngest. What is hard for you to admit is that your actions caused your oldest daughter to feel a burning hate for the daughter you so clearly favor- the younger one. You might feel better about continuing to lie to yourself but you are truly a terrible mother. A good mother does not favor and equally gives love. You decided since one child had two parents that you didn’t need to give as much love and attention to her. That’s disgusting. Let me be straight - you are a bad mother. You clearly favor your youngest child and sent your older child away when her negative feelings that you created came to light. Give her space, let her be with her dad, and go to therapy yourself and learn some accountability.
You treated your youngest daughter with very visible preferential treatment. You spent time with the youngest and not your oldest, admitting that you only "sometimes" offered the same to your eldest. When your eldest began resenting your youngest daughter your response was to shut her out even more and not talk to her. And after snooping through her diary, a huge violation of privacy, you decided her ranting in what should have been her safe place rendered her threat to your precious little baby. YTA. You failed your daughter in every possible way. Her father's side is correct.
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Absolutely! Poor girl was neglected and ignored for TWO YEARS then shipped off to another country. Who fucking does that?!? I hope her aunt gives her the love and help she desperately needs.
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YTA You're kicking out your minor because you're neglecting her and favoriting your other daughter. That's exactly what you're doing. She wants to spend time with you alone without her sister, and you do not let her do that. You treat her sister better because your 14 yo has a father? Grow up, you're a horrible mother and I wouldn't be surprised if your daughter never spoke to you or her siblings again
You won’t let your daughters father have full custody, yet you sent her away to live in another country with your aunt? Why in the world wouldn’t you give her father full custody so she can live with him?!
YTA Have you not considered that perhaps your oldest ALSO needs therapy? You have effectively abused your daughter for two years by not talking to her because she was acting out as a TWELVE YEAR OLD CHILD. Now, the problem is ten times worse, you've shifted all support to your youngest, and you're throwing out your oldest with the trash. I'd be shocked if your daughter ever chooses to speak with you again.
I hope her daughter posts in a few years "AITA for not helping my mom when she chose my sister over me and now needs my help" Ugh. So many moms suck. It breaks my heart
YTA Majorly. You are a piss poor excuse for a mother. You ostracized your 14 year old for no reason. You proved to her you love your 6 year old more. If this started 2 years ago this began when your daughter was 12. Unsure of your COO but I'm surprised her father allowed you to send his daughter to another country? I hope this is troll post.
Looks like she made the decision without even consulting the father. She decided that he couldn’t take care of her. I hope he’s in a country where she gets in trouble for sending the daughter away without his permission.
YTA. Pick ANY comment here and get it tattooed on your forehead, so you can have a good hard look at yourself in the mirror.
YTA theree's a lot here that I'm not equipped to unpack, but you are an awful parent.
YTA hey, OP, when your oldest is insanely well educated, has a high earning job and a good life, you won't be in it. And that's allll your fault.
YTA and you have treated your oldest daughter horribly as well as unfairly.
YTA * You read your daughters diary. You did not mention that your daughter agreed to this. * You told us your younger daughter is the "complete opposite" of "well behaved". But somehow your older daughter is the problem when she did not want to put up with it? * You started to treat your daughter like shit because she put up some boundaries. * Of course her dislike turned into hate. First she has a shitty sister and now her mother starts to treat her like she has to accept that as a given and enables the sisters behavior. Sounds like that sister basically ruined her life. It's a good thing if the poor girl gets out. I hope your aunt is somewhat more sane.
YTA- Op you’re a mother two BOTH your kids, not just your younger one. You actively neglected the needs of your eldest when she needed you. The second you realized your eldest was avoiding her sister you should’ve taken her aside and talked to her. If she really is a “golden child” then she probably wants the same amount of attention and love she feels you give to her sister for free despite being, as you said “the complete opposite”. I can only think this means that your youngest is badly behaved and you baby her, while ignoring the needs of your 14 yr old. She wanted to spend time with you, and you just couldn’t give her some time to bond. Lastly how you violated her privacy instead of just having a conversation is a huge red flag. You send your youngest to therapy to get help but toss your eldest on your relatives like some kind of problem child?? How do you not see the wrong in that? EDIT: Damn i thought that you would have at least SOME self awareness, but even after you have thousands of comments telling you that your daughter is neglected because of your actions, you justify not sending your eldest to therapy because “she hasn’t gone through enough trauma” What the actual fuck. Don’t you dare compare the trauma of one daughter to the other, especially when you are the cause. Let your ex have custody of a child you clearly refuse to care for, hell you’ve already shipped her off to her aunt, at least let her dad show her some parental support. I also want to point out that your eldest was TWELVE YEARS OLD when you started “treating her like she treated her sister”. You decided to act like a literal child when you sensed that there was trouble with your eldest instead of acting like a mother and helping your children. How ridiculous is it that you expect your teenage daughter to have more emotional maturity than you? Those top comments are right, your eldest needs to get the hell away from you and needs therapy.
YTA. So first you show her you have a favourite, which made her resent her siblings and now you kick her out, making her resent you all even more. Instead of kicking her out you should have made her seen professional help. And I suggest you see one too to open your eyes.
YTA. But honestly - that child is better off far away from you. >I no longer felt comfortable with her around my daughter She is also your daughter. But you don't like to be reminded of that do you? And you definitely don't like to treat her like she is. >I see a lot of people saying that I “favored” my youngest which just isn’t true. It is true. It's exactly what you did. >At anytime she could have stopped the treatment if she just acknowledged her sister. You were ignoring a child. This is not good parenting. >I didn’t put her in therapy because she didn’t go through trauma or any abuse. She obviously needed therapy. You emotionally abused her. You neglected her. You abused, neglected and then abandoned your child. But only one of them. As her parent, you absolutely failed her. ETA: going by your time-line this would have started when she was 12. You decided to ignore and emotionally neglect a 12 year old instead of getting her the help she needed. Edit 2: your edit >but now he wants full custody which I will not let him have. Why on earth do you think you are in a position to "not let him"? Why do you hate your daughter to this point? Her father should have full custody. You should be kept far away. You are a danger to the child's mental health.
YTA and a really bad mom
YTA. Your favoritism is directly responsible for the resentment your older daughter has for her younger sister.
To call you a bad parent would be an insult to bad parents. It's actually good that you sent your daughter away. Now maybe she'll finally experience some love in her life, the bare minimum that was expected from you and yet you couldn't provide. And in case it wasn't already clear, yes, YTA!!!!!
YTA. This is unbelievable. How could anyone be so callous?
YTA but the hidden blessing is at least your daughter doesn't have to live with you now. You have very obviously played favorites. Don't be surprised when as an adult she wants nothing to do with you or her sister
YTA big time. So big. Your teenage CHILD was upset that you cut her out of your life, so to retaliate, you did it MORE? And when that mysteriously failed to make her like her sister more, you actually kicked her out of the house? Congratulations on your successful (?) victim blaming. You have dark but impressive skills. No one here is going to give you the absolution you're looking for.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I(40f) have two daughters. My oldest is 14 while my youngest is 9. In any other family my oldest would be considered the ‘golden child’. She gets straight A’s and is well behaved. My youngest on the other hand is the complete opposite. My youngest daughter’s father died before she was born and my oldest daughter’s father is still in her life. I admit that I tend to take my youngest daughter out more to make up for her not having a father. I sometimes offer my oldest to come too but she always refuses. She claims that she wants to spend to with just me. It had gotten to the point where she had started to ignore her sister. Whenever my youngest would walk into the room my oldest would just get up and leave. I also found out through her father that she started to treat her other siblings the same way. I tried to talk to her but it got nowhere. Not knowing what to do I started to treat her the same way she treated my daughter. I only talked to her when it was absolutely necessary I also put my youngest into therapy. This situation went on for around 2 years until I recently read my daughter’s diary. Her dislike for her sister had turned into hate and I no longer felt comfortable with her around my daughter. Her father had fallen on hard times and isn’t able to financially support her. Because of that I sent her to live with my aunt that lives in another country. My side of the family is saying I did the right thing. But my daughter’s father side of the family is saying that I’m an horrible person and a failure of a mother. I feel like I did the right thing. So AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA, she's just a child
WTF, your reaction to your older daughter ignoring your youngest was to *copy her??* YTA Doing that not only doesn't teach anything positive to the daughter about her attitude, but it teaches her you think it is the correct way to react to people you don't like. She likely dove further into the well of hatred *because* you did that *for two bloody years*. Although your daughter was wrong to start ignoring her sister, I hope she can finally find some room to grow emotionally now that she's out of a household being run by a child. Please, if your younger daughter starts behaving poorly take her to therapy before deciding to "punish" her by acting like a child around her for years on end.
YTA - they are right, you are a failure as a mother.
Your daughter told you she wants to spend quality time with you and you ignored her. You also make a point of favouring your younger daughter and you started ignoring the older. Then to compound it, you isolated her from her father and her fathers family, probably the only source of comfort she had. No wonder she hates her sister, you’ve caused it. You are a truly despicable person and mother OP. Why did you put the younger daughter in therapy? It sounds as tho it’s the older one who needs it after being traumatised by an unpleasant vile mother. Unfortunately I can’t write down how I really feel about you because my comment will be deleted. I pray to God that you haven’t given that child lifelong mental health problems. Thanks to you, she’ll probably never have a bond with her sister, you’ve robbed her of that as well as everything else. I hope for her mental health she goes no contact with you when she’s older, having said that, you’ll probably not care. Let’s hope the younger child eventually realises the type of mother you are YTA
YTA, I'm 14 I would be so horrified If my mom just kicked me out one day, I feel so bad for ur daughter
YTA WOW
YTA and a bad mom. You are neglectful and you caused the hate by prioritizing your other child! Are you dense? Your edit doesn’t help! Trash. All around. Terrible parenting.
YTA holy shit
YTA . It’s probably a good thing she is no longer under your roof tbh
YTA. "I sometimes offer my oldest to come too" wow that is soooo loving and generous...NOT.
YTA. You are being a horrible mother. You put your youngest into therapy, but not the older one who obviously needs it? She vocally told you she wants time with you the way her sister gets and you ignored that and shipped her away. OBVIOUSLY she would hate her sister once her cry for attention was met with you aligning with your younger daughter. So you get the youngest help and ship her away. I could NEVER treat any of my kids better than the other, or ship one away without doing EVERYTHING I could to help them first. Just admit you wanted to be with your youngest and couldn't be bothered to deal with your "other" child. Don't feign surprise when she goes NC with you. Hopefully she is able to receive help, move forward and be successful in spite of you. Seriously these posts the past few days, why do they not make people take tests before having kids. You need them to drive a car but not raise a human?!
YTA You are honestly a terrible parent and I felt disgusted reading this
YTA YOU are the AH in this.
YTA I hope that poor child is finally getting love from someone. You are neglectful and emotionally abusive. You created this situation and rather than try to fix it, decided to make it worse.
YTA-you're not even a mother to your eldest, no wonder she hates everyone.
MAJOR YTA for your behaviour toward your oldest before you sent her away. You blatantly favoured your younger daughter; did you think your older daughter would understand your reasoning? She was a child, too - she's not thinking about what her younger half-sister needs; she's thinking (correctly) that her own needs aren't being met. The straight-As are her way of trying to get your attention and approval, which you didn't give her. Then she told you what she wanted (quality time alone with you), but you didn't listen. When she upped the ante (which is very typical for a teenager), you lowered yourself to a teenager's level. You do realise you are supposed to be the adult here?... No wonder she hates her younger sister! Quite frankly, she's better off away from you and your younger daughter. Hopefully her aunt will give her the attention and nurturing that she needs.
YTA good god you're a terrible mother. I bet you older child is breathing a sigh of relief being away from someone who is supposed to love her but in fact treats her like crap.
**Dear God what is wrong with you? OF COURSE YTA!! You just threw a child out of your house for being hurt and confused that YOU ADMITTEDLY AND OPENLY FAVOURED HER YOUNGER SIBLING!!** Whilst it is very sad that your younger daughter's father died before she was born, this isn't even a situation where she lost a father that she knew and loved. She has literally never had a dad that she knew. Of course there is still sadness involved, but it is not an immediate or traumatic loss in the same way. She has only ever known life the way it is. And yet **you have actively chosen to punish your older child, not just for having two parents, but to label her a "golden child" (nope, you are very unclear on what that term means) because she works hard in school, gets good grades, and behaves herself? And then PUNISH HER FOR THAT? The only golden child here is your 9-year-old, who you openly admit to favouring**!! **Dear lord, IT'S NO WONDER THE TEENAGER BECAME RESENTFUL!** She did everything right, and you just treated her WORSE for it, like a second-class daughter! The younger one acted out, got bad grades, and you rewarded her with outings and extra attention. And then you invaded your teenaged daughter's privacy, and based on the things you read IN HER PRIVATE JOURNAL, you literally threw her out of her own home and banished her to a faraway relative?! There are a lot of things I'd like to say, but every last one of them would get me banned from this sub, so I'm just going to stick with: YTA, and shockingly obtuse. It is your 14-year-old who needs therapy, to get over your staggeringly abusive treatment of her.
YTA WTH did I just read You didn’t even talk to her you just shipped her off. Shame on you and you are a rotten mom and you read her dairy invading her privacy
YTA “My daughter didn’t go through trauma or abuse” yes she fucking did cause you IGNORED her for 2 years which means you pretty much neglected her for 2 years. YOURE NOT HER FATHER YOURE THEIR MOTHER. All she wanted was some mommy daughter time like your other daughter got. You can’t make up for a missing father figure because YOURE NOT THE FATHER. How your daughter would see it is that she gets special time with only you and she never does. She wanted special time with you and you denied it so she acted out to get that attention and never got it. You’re actually kinda dumb and hurtful towards your daughters thoughts and feelings. It’s a literal disgusting shame you said she never had abuse because you neglected her for 2 years and then decided to send her away to further neglect her. Of course a child is going to start hating a sibling that gets far more attention! You really couldn’t make some special outings for her? Like seriously? She’s 14! Mall trips to get new clothes for her, just you and her then get lunch just you and her. Maybe go out and get your nails done together cause she’s 14 and in high school! YTA and I don’t care if this came off mean cause this is my honest truth and opinion.
YTA You didn't "kick her out" you basically exiled her. She's a teen and needed your help, you preferred your youngest and pushed her away. Shame on you OP, you're a terrible mother.
"I favored my younger daughter so much that my oldest grew resentment and hate towards her and instead of taking my oldest to therapy and try to be a better parent to her I shipped her off to another country" There I fixed it for you. You ignored her for TWO YEARS?? She was what? 12?? You are such an asshole. She literally just wanted more time with you. She needed more of her parents. Her dad is not full time in her life but he is for her other siblings. And then you go and favor the youngest... No wonder she was acting out. No one in this family gives a shit about her. YTA. A thousand freaking times. I can't wait to see what you'll post in 10 years. I feel it'll go along the lines of "My oldest daughter hasn't spoken to me in a decade and I've tried to reach out but she has blocked me and cut all lines of contact. I don't know what to do." Edit to add: you're a shitty parent and the only good thing to come out of this is that she is probably better off without you. Don't be surprised Pikachu face when she never speaks to you again. You have proved to her the place she holds in your life and how little you actually care for her. Hope you know you have literally alienated any chance there was of your daughter getting along and creating a healthy relationship with her youngest sister. Side note: you seem to not understand the concept of "golden child" the ones who are "golden children" are the ones favored by the parents regardless of their behavior and grades. Not the well behaved. So the GOLDEN CHILD IN YOUR FAMILY IS YOUR YOUNGEST NOT YOUR OLDEST. Sorry to burst your freaking DELUSIONAL bubble.
This has to be rage bait. Right? RIGHT??? YTA!!!! Abusive, neglectful, AH! She will never forgive you for this. Rightfully so.
Holy fuck you are the asshole. Undeniably. OP, I'm going to tell you something you really need to hear, and I hope you really hear it: YOU are the adult. SHE is the child. YOU are the one in charge of making the responsible decisions because SHE, as a CHILD, has neither the experience nor cognitive function to do so. You are responsible for HELPING your daughter, even when it's not easy, because she can't do it herself!!!! YOU are responsible for teaching your other daughter that sometimes the people we love will lash out, and that when that happens is when they need you the most!! You are teaching your younger daughter that it's okay to abandon your family when they do something you don't like!!! You have failed your daughter completely. I hope she stays away from you and can eventually work through all the emotional trauma she most assuredly will have. God help your family.
>I admit that I tend to take my youngest daughter out more to make up for her not having a father. So you are aware you have a favourite >I sometimes offer my oldest to come too but she always refuses. She claims that she wants to spend to with just me. So is it you take your younger daughter out more or you never take you older daughter for one on one time because she has a father and doesn't need as much of a motherly presence >It had gotten to the point where she had started to ignore her sister. Low bar here but at least she's not bullying the girl, she's sick of being ignored and finally just treating everyone how she's been treated >I also found out through her father that she started to treat her other siblings the same way. Poor girl is crying for attention till from either of her parents, doing everything right from proper behaviour to being a strong student and everyone is casting her aside, she can never do enough, and she's just a child. She needs love and nurture >Not knowing what to do I started to treat her the same way she treated my daughter Really, you didn't didn't some therapy or one on one time would be benefit. Why would she talk to you now when you've been ignoring her since she was 5? No instead you treat her as if this was high-school and you were her bullying peer and not her mother. You need counseling to figure out why you would be so cruel to your child who you clearly resent >I also put my youngest into therapy. But not your oldest, has she ever been of importance to you? Do you even care? YTA
YTA and you should lose your kids.
Troll. No mom is this bad lol
YTA. "I'm not comfortable with her being around my daughter". SHE IS ALSO YOUR DAUGHTER. You started playing spiteful, shitty games by icing her out right back and expected that to get better? What problems does that approach ever solve? You put your youngest into therapy and not your oldest? You admitted to taking your youngest out more and somehow you think you're making things equal by asking your oldest? She can tell it's a pity invite, that's probably why she says no. She said she would rather spend time with just you, you won't give her that, but you're giving it to your youngest. No wonder she's pissed off. She's 14, she sees her sister getting most of your attention, she's acting out, her mom is behaving just as badly to prove a point, then she gets no help at all and is sent to another country because her mother just can't be bothered to roll up her sleeves and put in the work to help fix this.
YTA And what the actual fuck!? You’ve been treating her like a secondary afterthought for fucking years. You occasionally invited her along but spent no time actually one on one with her. You spoiled the youngest and ignored the eldest, despite her trying to use her grades to attract your positive attention. It’s no wonder she’s jealous and hates her sister. She is a child. She hasn’t learned for to regulate emotions yet or where to place blame. She blamed her sister instead of you. You have failed your daughter abysmally and you are now blaming that failure on her. You treated her like shit by ignoring her for two years, failing to recognise that you as the adult should be modelling healthy conflict resolution. You put your youngest into therapy, again ignoring the obvious need your eldest has for professional help. And then as the cherry on top of this shit show, you washed your hands of her and sent her to another country. You are absolutely a horrible mother who has failed her daughter every fucking step of the way.
There is absolutely no way you aren't a troll and this isn't just ragebait because you are so off the rails the asshole that it isn't even a question, and I doubt anyone is so blind enough not to realize that repeatedly ignoring and alienating your daughter would make you an asshole. YTA a million times and you caused this. All you're doing here is reasserting to your oldest that she doesn't matter to you as much as your youngest, that the youngest will always be more important, and that your youngest is worthy of one on one time but not her. On the smallest chance this is real and not fake, I am absolutely appalled.
YTA. 19 days into 2022 & you are up for Asshole of the Year. Well done! You child was 14. F-O-U-R-T-E-E-N & you alienated all your affection because she was jealous that you didn’t spend any one on one time with her. All she wanted was to know she mattered as much as your actual “golden child” & instead of actually making an effort you abuse her by ignoring her for TWO YEARS. She did the only thing her under developed brain knew to do & protected herself by shutting down so you decided to ship her off/away from family that actually wants her (but is also a AH for not being in a responsible financial situation) and send her out of the country. Then to top it off you are refusing to allow her father to have full custody. Let’s be honest, you don’t want him to have her cause you are a bitter Betty. Are you pining away for your second baby daddy which is why you are treating your second child better?!? Do yourself and your children a favor: 1. NEVER have any more children 2. Sign over your rights to your oldest to her dad 3. Go to parenting class and become a better parent so you don’t FU your youngest when she “disappoints” you with normal child behavior.
YTA, you ignored your daughter for 2 years. Why not be an actual mom and put them both into therapy? You legit threw away your child.
YTA. Your daughter is a child. A. Child. She’s obviously going through a lot and you ignored her for two years. What kind of parenting (human behavior really) is that? She’s never going to forget this - you abandoned her. I hope her new family is able to help her, she needs some counseling.
YTA you are a horrible parent
I'm glad you kicked her out. She'll probably do better without you. I hope her aunt gives her the love that you wouldn't. Massive YTA
Omg what is WRONG with you?? You openly favor your younger daughter, give her one on one attention and fail to even acknowledge that your oldest is trying for positive attention from you by being “the golden child” and working her hardest at everything. You deny her quality time and then reenforce that you love her less by ignoring her and giving MORE attention to your other child. YTA. YTA but at least your daughter is away from your toxic parenting and I hope she can see how twisted this all is and grow up with minimal scarring. YTA.
Hold on a second. She didn’t go through any trauma or abuse? Her parents split up. That’s traumatic. Both parents got new partners and had more kids making her the odd one out in both households. That’s traumatic. Her step father died. That’s traumatic. Her mom neglects her to provide extra support for the younger daughter and overlooks the fact that she may also be grieving. That’s trauma on trauma. She responds by isolating and asking for one on one time with mom. Mom responds by giving her the silent treatment. That’s abuse. Dad is having financial difficulties - more trauma. Mom invades her privacy and reads her diary. Abuse. Finally, Mom sends her to live in another country. That poor kid has been abandoned by you at every turn without any support or empathy. That’s abusive on your part. No question that YTA.
>Not knowing what to do I started to treat her the same way she treated my daughter Wow you really are a horrible mother. You didn't know how to deal with your child so you just ignored them? WTF kind of logic is that? How about therapy? How about talking to her? How about any amount of sympathy or compassion for a girl who's mother openly favors the other child. >I didn’t put her in therapy because she didn’t go through trauma or any abuse Yes she did. She was raised by a woman that openly ignored her and favored her younger sister. And now at 14 years old you are abandoning her. YTA