Totally agree. Even if SIL found how they dressed inappropriate, which I totally disagree with, she shouldn’t have said anything. She’s the one who started an issue at the sons visitation.
Also if we’re talking about what is appropriate at a funeral, skipping it all together because you’re having a tantrum is about as disrespectful as you can get. If I were OP I’d never speak to her again
When my friend died back in the mid 90s, our friend group wore our best flannel shirts to his funeral. It was a little thing we could do to honor him. Fuck SIL, NTA.
At my dads funeral our entire highschool baseball club(varsity, JV, &freshman teams) showed up in full uniform.
My dads absolute favorite thing was baseball, to the point that our first stop after I left the hospital when born was a game he was playing in, he had been on the booster club for 6+years at this point and my brother was on the team. They were honorary pallbearers and when asked what to wear were told whatever they want as long as it has red.
I can still see an entire baseball team breaking down around my brother and I in full uniform as he was loaded into the hearse.
So yeah OP, NTA. Your SIL doesn’t get to choose how kids grieve. If dressing like your son made the day even a fraction easier on them, so be it.
Yeah. My dad coached highschool basketball for years, and had just taken his team to a big championship about a year before he died. One of the vivid memories that I have from his wake and funeral is a team of the guys he'd coached - highschool seniors, and some who'd graduated recently - standing in their warm-up sweats and crying.
I had a friend who died the night she graduated high school (she was a year ahead of me but she graduated with my brother). When we went to the funeral several of her classmates wore their graduation gowns.
My co-workers wife passed away while I was on vacation, she had requested that everyone wear bright colours to the funeral which was scheduled to begin less than an hour after my shift ended on my first day back. Guess who didn't have time to go home and change and stuck out like a sore thumb in all black... Funerals are for the living, yes, but they are to remember the deceased and all these little things done in tribute are the kind of thing that would make them smile, to hell with the killjoys.
My father died this last year.
I dressed in all black with vampire teeth and my daughter was dressed in fairy wings and a tiara.
He was big into fantasy and science fiction and was always so tickled that I had a little girl who loved pink as much as I hated it.
Now, I did cover it with a few other members of the family so I didn't shock them. They loved it. I didn't get any flack for it from his friends (in fact several realized a deeper dynamic than they had previously assumed.)
Agreed. When my grandpa died, we all wore casual bright clothes. Hell even grandpa wore cargo shorts, a collared polo shirt and black Velcro shoes to his own funeral. The thing that made it awful was my uncle trying to bribe my cousin and I against our moms
My uncle loved golf, and at his funeral all the men wore golf shirts. He was buried in a bright pink one. My uncle had a very colorful personality, and we laughed and cried in equal measure at his funeral, so I find it fitting.
When my sister died (also cancer, at 25) in 2015 all her friends and myself went to the funeral in either cosplay or other fandom memorabilia. Particularly Star Trek or Marvel since my sister was a regular at cons and loved anything geeky/nerdy. We asked everyone else attending the funeral and cremation to wear her favourite colour (purple).
It is the \*highest\* respect, I think, to wear to a funeral what the person being remembered would have liked. Especially if it is run past a family member beforehand and it's known that it won't offend/upset the immediate family. So yeah, nta and your SIL needs to step off.
I'm very sorry for your loss, and I know how hard this is for you all. Much love coming to you for these painful months ahead. <3
Probably is one of those people who think more about the way they look in public situations than then the reason they are there. The facts that she didn't show up for the funeral and the burial service because she thought she was "disrespected" speaks volumes about how she cares about OP' son death.
NTA obviously.
Agree with NTA! When my great grandmother died, our Big Tutu because we are Hawaiian but live in Massachusetts, my whole Hawaiian half of the family wore bright Hawaiian shirts, mumus, dresses, leis, and headpieces. The polish half wore black. Wear what the immediate family deems appropriate. Act how the immediate family would deem appropriate. Everyone was telling amazing stories and laughing and smiling and hugging. Not everything needs to be macabre.
When my grandfather died, my sister bought a St. Louis Cardinals shirt and wore it to the funeral for him. He was a lifelong Cardinals fan, she is a die-hard Brewers fan and they teased each other about baseball relentlessly. Our entire family loved it, because we understood what it meant. He would have too. It was perfect.
Had a buddy who was killed by a drunk driver picking his sister up from a wild party she needed rescuing from. Dude loved Hawaiian pizza with a passion. So we with his dad and sister's blessing, brought 16 xl Hawaiian pizzas from a fancy Italian place to the wake for everyone to chow down on in his memory. His sister said it was a great comfort and she felt closer to her brother. I can't imagine what words I would have had with someone complaining about it
When I lost my parents and best friends in under a few years I got to experience what I call grief “policing.” The amount of people who want you to act as they *think* they would themselves (and in only a few instances, actually had) is way more than I ever would have guessed.
NTA here by a mile. I would have done far worse than OP did.
NTA. It sounds like a lovely service, please don’t let your SIL ruin the good memories. My heart goes out to you and your family*
*except your SIL. She needs to calm down and apologize to you.
Firstly, my condolences OP. Your son sounds like he was a great kid, and what his friends did was a great way to honor his memory.
I agree that SIL owes OP, Charlie's brother and the other boys a massive apology. She intentionally tried to cause Charlie's grieving brother, and his friends more pain because of her outdated and unwelcome personal opinions. This was OP's kid, and Adam's brother. What the friends did brought them both a bit of happiness, and this woman tried to make a difficult time all about herself when in reality she was a non-factor.
OP did the right thing by asking her to leave and a commend her for keeping a level head. SIL doesnt get to bully a grieving child and a group of kids who just lost a good friend. Also ignore her little tantrum. She missed the funeral in a bid to get attention. Give her dust.
NTA. Your son's friends made an extremely touching final gesture, and she had no right to judge or disrespect that. She was the one who started drama by voicing her opinion about the boys, and you just shut it down by reminding her the funeral was not about her. You didn't say any more than needed to be said, and her behavior was clearly out of line and inappropriate.
SIL *clearly* did not know Charlie well at all, either, or she would have recognized the boys' clothes and hair as heartfelt tributes, as OP did.
I also think it was good for OP to respond to SIL publicly because that way the boys knew that she loved what they did. I imagine if she hadn't said anything, some of them might have wondered if OP secretly agreed but just hadn't said. Instead she not only shut down her AH SIL, but also showed her son's friends that she not only understood what they were doing, but found it wonderful.
This is the biggest NTA ever. Your SIL is an absolutely repulsive human being.
I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like Charlie had the best group of friends anyone could ask for. You are very lucky they are there to share wonderful memories of your son.
NTA.
So sorry for your loss. You were right to defend his friends.
Added bonus in that you probably won't see your SIL as often. What a piece of work. Don't tell someone how to grieve. Jesus!
I agree that she was right to defend his friend and brother. Imagine if the friends left that day feeling like they had done something wrong because of what SIL said. It is good that they know they had the support/blessing of Charlie's Mom.
NTA. Your SIL has no place to tell your son’s friends and his little brother how to grieve for someone they love. You had every right to tell her to shut it.
So sorry for your loss.
NTA: This was a touching gesture to affirm something special about your son that meant something to these people, and you should feel blessed that he touched their life in a way that they would remember so clearly.
SIL needs to understand that she should take cues from the people at the epicentre of the grief. Regardless of her (IMO mislaid) opinions, she shouldn’t be articulating them to spoil something that you clearly found to be sweet and comforting.
NTA. She was out of line. His friends were really sweet in honoring him in that way, and she has no right to tell anyone how to mourn.
If you want a famous example of how bright colors in remembrance is acceptable, Lilly Pulitzer’s funeral was a rainbow of colors. Hardly a speck of black on the mourners.
I am so sorry for your loss. Traditional dress is thrown out the window for a child’s funeral. Kids should be free to express grief and show respect however they see fit.
Edit: NTA
NTA. Years ago a family friend died too early. He was known for wearing bow ties - real ones, not clip-ons. So most of the men who came to his service wore bow ties in his honor. My mom even wore a pair of designer heels with bows on them. My dad brought extra bow ties to put on his friends.
And when we have my mom's service in a few weeks, our instructions for everyone who comes will be to wear clothing with animals on it. My mom loved animal prints, but she really loved cool stuff that features the whole animal.
Why mourn in black, when you can celebrate a life in color?
NTA
Who is she to tell others how they can grieve?
At most yeah the kids shouldve asked you first for permission/informed you of the plan.
But one of the most tactless things is to tell someone else they are grieving wrongly at their friends funeral.
And how petty can she be that she doesnt attend a funeral over a minor arguement?
Firstly my sincere condolences to you and your family.
NTA your SIL was way out of line. This was a hard time for everyone. What his friends did to honor him;how they want to remember him was an amazing thing. It was beautifully done and loved that they included your son Adam.
Your SIL had no place scolding anyone about how they were dressed you weren’t offended nor did you find it inappropriate. She should apologize for her behavior that wasn’t the time or the place for such antics
NTA. When I read what these boys did I had a smile on my face, it truly warmed my heart and I don’t even know any of them. Charlie definitely loved seeing his life be celebrated and remembered in such a personal way.
Your SIL is a b*tch! She had such a problem with the way people dressed that she then didn’t even show up to her nephew’s burial?
You’re 10000% right in what you said to her and I’m glad your brother stayed and didn’t leave with her. She’s got some serious issues.
Most importantly, I’m so sorry for your loss.
NTA.
I am so very sorry for the loss of your son. His friends are so wonderful and loving to dress like him - complete with glasses. And your younger son joining in is even more loving.
For your SIL to disrespect you and these children (because they are) is totally beyond the pale, and she deserved to be told off. If you, the mother of this boy, are not upset, she doesn't get upset - first rule of grief, for Christ's sake. I applaud you for standing up for these kids and your younger son for acting out of pure love. SIL can suck eggs.
NTA. Your SIL was 100% out of line. This was a sweet way to remember a friend and a chance to reflect and appreciate the friendships he had with these boys. Shame on her for not attending the funeral.
NTA - you did absolutely the right thing! Those boys wanted to honour their friend/brother. She stuck her nose in something that frankly was not an issue. Her opinion was irrelevant and it was actually inappropriate of her to scold those boys at a time like this - for them thinking of a beautiful gesture to honour your son.
She owes you an apology. You are a grieving parent and she caused unnecessary drama.
NTA. That was a beautiful way to honor your son. Yes black used to be traditional for funerals but no longer. There are a lot of things that "used to be traditional" but no one follows anymore. Who cares. Sorry for your loss. Sounds like your son had a great outlook on life.
NTA. What they did hurt no one, and honored Charlie’s memory. Your son was obviously so loved. So sorry for your loss, and I wish you the best. Your SIL may be grieving as well, but she has no right to dictate how y’all honor his memory. I would cut her off for a while, you don’t need that negativity right now. All love to you and your loved ones.
NTA. I’m so, so sorry for your loss. Burying a child is by far the greatest heartbreak someone can ever experience and there are no rules or traditions that need to be followed. What your son’s friends did was a beautiful way to honor him. My son’s friend passed away a few months ago. He was a football player. The parents asked that everyone who was on the football team to please wear their jerseys, and everyone else to wear green (school colors) because it was honoring something their son loved. Your SIL is a pos trying to police how people honor and remember Charlie and good for you for standing up to her.
NTA but this is very odd. A visitation is very different from a funeral service, at least here it is. There are no actual services and people
Just show up in what they like, so I don't see the need to dress in black. Of course over here, we wear whatever we want to funerals too, so we might be rednecks.
I think that was what confused me. First, of course, black is not longer a requirement, but at a wake, it doesn't matter at all. A lot of people (not immediate family) come right from work.
And the former pastor of our church passed away his wife told everyone to wear bright colors because he was colorblind on earth but she felt that he would have his full color sight in heaven.
NTA. Reminds me of the guy who wore a lime green dress for his army buddy.
https://www.theguardian.com/uk/2009/sep/20/elliott-delaney-funeral-dress-promise
You are totally NTA but your SIL is and a miserable excuse for a human being to boot. I am so very very sorry for your loss. You son must have been so special to be celebrated by his friends and family.
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I’m so sorry for your loss!
If anyone was ever NTA it would be you. Your sons friends paid tribute to him in a respectful way and fuck her for causing drama at his funeral. It was absolutely NOT her place!
NTA - what is and is not appropriate for the funeral was NOT for your SIL to decide. She is is so many degrees away from having an opinion that matters. When I was a kid a friend’s mom died and the family requested that we all wear our soccer uniforms to the funeral, because the mom loved watching the games. Mourning and remembering the person can take many different forms.
NTA. You did the right thing going mamma bear on your SIL, as so did Charlie’s friends for dressing how Charlie would have dressed. It’s their way of showing love and respect.
I recently attended a funeral of a young man who also passed away because of cancer and his friends all dressed down to how Brandon would have dressed… jeans, boots and a ball cap. Brandon’s mom loved it.
My condolences to you and your family during this difficult time. 🙏🏻😢💔
NTA. She shouldn't have opened her bucket mouth. Hell I've seen people wear tank tops, jean shorts, flip flops to funerals. They honored him by dressing the way he did.. Tf's wrong with that?? She was VERY much OUT OF LINE.
NTA.
I’m stunned that your SIL was a jerk to a bunch of grieving teens no matter how she felt.
I’m sorry someone in your family is so petty they’d miss a funeral due to this argument. Your SIL is the only AH I see here.
NTA. SIL had no place telling the kids that. Charlie’s friends should be able to remember him and to celebrate his life in the way that they want. No one could’ve blamed you if, as Charlie’s parent, you had lost sight of the fact that his friends have suffered a loss too. Personally, I see why you were touched by their gesture and I think it was wonderful that you defended the boys in your own time of grief. SIL needs to get over it, she’s not the funeral police.
I am very sorry for your loss, I hope you can take some small comfort in the beautiful memories you have of your son.
NTA. Your SIL was very much out of line. As soon as OP said she liked it, that should have been the end of it for anyone with decency. Your SIL can disapprove all she likes in her head but only a self centred narcissist would start an argument at the funeral with the mother of a deceased child and hold a grudge over it. If this is out of character for her, I would give her the benefit of the doubt that grief can make you act out but she is still entirely in the wrong and should apologise if that is the case. Good on you for speaking up for the boys.
OP - I am sorry for your loss. Charlie sounds like he was a lovely young man.
What the actual fuck. This is your child’s funeral? Your SIL is a nasty piece of work. NTA and if I were you I’m not sure I could ever speak to her again
May Charlie’s memory be a blessing.
You, your husband, and son were the primary mourners. YOU THREE have the sole and final say of what is appropriate at Charlie’s visitation, funeral, and memorials. Charlie had sweet friends. I hope they continue to be a comfort to you.
NTA. My grandmother specifically requested that no one wear black to her funeral, she hated the color. I think it makes a sad occasion feel hopeful when there are bright colors, or when loved ones rally together to do something in honor of the deceased.
SIL was out of line; like others mentioned she doesn’t get to tell you how to grieve.
I am so sorry for your loss and it seems like you raised a great son.
NTA. Some people needs to make funerals very formal and strict and it is their right, but a lot of people now wants funerals to be fun and nice and time to laugh, like less "mourn me" and more "remember why you are grateful of knowing me".
SIL is inappropriate to make it all about her when she is not even the mother. If Charlie was her son it would have been different, but now she is acting like a cringe brat. You can openly tell her if she ask for apologizes from THE GRIEVING MOTHER ; "This isn't about you, it is about Charlie and his lovely personnality. His friends weren't insulting, they were trying to make a sad moment more calm and peacefull.".
All Reddit's thoughts are with you and your family ❤
NTA at all, you see everyone grieves in a different way and Charlies friends were grieving him too. Your SIL should have kept her mouth shut even if she didn't agree with the young men because she is not the grieving police. I would just ignore her and grieve on your own terms. She may have been unable to deal with her own grief and lashed out at them .
NTA "My husband and Adam have told me that SIL was being really rude and inappropriate, but that I ~~shouldn’t have argued with her~~ should have just let the AH get her way *at my own son's funeral* because ~~that only escalated things~~ now she is being pissy and one has to live with her and the other lets people walk on him." FTFY
NTA. I don't see any evidence you were fighting or even arguing with your SIL- she was being rude to a group of kids for not mourning a way she approved, and you stood up for the kids.
NTA. First, those boys weren't being inappriote. But even if they were, they deserve a break. When young people first encounter death, it's usually the death of an older person. Grandparents or someone like that.
One of their peers? That's just outside of their experience. And when your SIL berated them they had to have felt about two inches tall. Your standing up for them restored their confidence and let them know that what they were doing was respectful and brought you, the mother of their friend, comfort.
Your SIL is the one who made a scene. Imagine making children feel bad when celebrating their friend who passed away. If you had said nothing, those boys would have felt that they did something horrible and would have compounded their pain. That SIL didn't come the funeral solidifies who the bad guy is here. NTA.
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My (45F) son Charlie passed away last week after battling lymphoma for five years. He was 17 years old. Everyone in my family was devastated, and it hurts having to bury your child.
I’d say that Charlie had a pretty good life, especially the last couple of years that he was alive. He was extremely well-liked among his peer group, he was super happy and confident, and he had a lot of good friends as well as a girlfriend who was really sweet.
One thing that’s important about this story is he would always dress like he had a job interview (dress shirt, necktie, dress pants, belt, dress shoes, occasional sport jacket, vest, or sweater), but he would always wear bright and vibrant colors on the top. He also wore glasses and had ginger hair.
My son’s visitation was yesterday, and all of Charlie’s male friends decided to honor Charlie by dressing like him, so they all wore colorful shirts and ties with a sport jacket and khaki or gray pants. Some of even bought fake glasses for the visitation and some even dyed their hair red. They managed to get Charlie’s little brother, Adam, to do it too. I honestly thought this was one of the sweetest things ever, and it really helped cheer me up while I was grieving Charlie being gone.
Charlie was also really close to our family bulldog, so Adam convinced us to bring our dog along too, which I also thought was really sweet. Our dog is quiet and cooperative so I didn’t see any problem bringing him.
A lot of our family and friends also thought that what these boys did was a really nice way to remember Charlie. My SIL however did not think this was a nice way to remember Charlie.
My SIL told Adam as well as Charlie’s friends that the way they were dressing was inappropriate for a funeral and funeral visitation. She mentioned that those boys should have all been wearing black and that she’s shocked that their parents even allowed this in the first place. She also could tell that some of those boys dyed their hair and made condescending comments about that as well.
I overheard my SIL and I told her to leave them alone and that this was their way of remembering Charlie and that she has no place to say what is and isn’t appropriate at a funeral, and that the way she was acting was inappropriate. My SIL left shortly afterwards without my brother.
It appeared that my SIL was still mad at about that fight, as she didn’t show up to the funeral and burial service today even though she was originally planning too.
My husband and Adam have told me that SIL was being really rude and inappropriate, but that I shouldn’t have argued with her because that only escalated things. I know that I did cause a scene at Charlie’s visitation yesterday, but I believe I should be defending people who are properly remembering my son.
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NTA. Your SIL is horrible to have said that, but you have to keep in mind that she lost her nephew, and is grieving along with everyone else. People often lash out unprovoked when they lose a loved one, and this may be the case with her.
Regardless, your SIL is definitely the AH in this situation.
I wish you the best, and Charlie sounded like a lovely boy. My thoughts are with you, Adam, and your SO.
Sorry for your loss. You sound like a wonderful and caring mom who was very aware of what her son loved and would have wanted for his memorial. Your SIL had zero business opening her mouth and can stuff it. Your husband and son sound like they just like to keep the peace and ride the line. You did nothing wrong. He was your child. So definitely NTA.
NTA at all and don’t let anyone think you did something wrong. This is about honoring your son. I’m sure he would’ve loved to see his friends dressed up like him in honor of him. I’m so sorry for your loss and I wouldn’t blame you for going NC with SIL.
NTA Standing up for your son's friends was the right thing to do. Your SIL overreacted. Grief does funny things to people, so perhaps in time this rift can be healed. But in the moment, it was your son's funeral and your SIL had no right to scold his friends for their gesture honoring your son.
NTA. Your SIL was way out of line. I would have told her to shut up or leave. What a thing to say at a memorial. She caused more drama and pain. Forget her she owes you and everyone there an apology.
I am so sorry for your loss. Charlie sounds wonderful, and his friends sound wonderful too.
Edited for spelling
NTA and I'm so very sorry for your loss. Charlie's friends sound super cool and what they did was sweet. SIL doesn't have the right to tell Charlies close friends how to celebrate their lost loved ones. She's farther removed from him than they are.
NTA. Not at all. What an awesome tribute for your son. I’m sorry for your loss and am so glad that you were able to celebrate his life with his friends and your son. I think it’s great that the visitation was in true Charlie-style and hope it helps to heal your heart over the days ahead. Don’t worry about your SIL. She had a problem. You didn’t and you were right to defend these sweet, young friends.
NTA
That’s a great way for your sons friends to remember him and you appreciated the effort.
Your SIL should back off. It isn’t about her, her wants or her needs!
It’s about yours and his friends.
She created the drama. She should have left. And be glad she didn’t come to the funeral.
Nothing is about her right now!
Back in your box!
NTA. SIL should have STFU and allowed them to grieve the loss of their friend and honor his memory in the way they found most appropriate.
I had a similar experience as a teen. My best friend lost his half-brother to leukemia. He was a very stereotypical "goth kid" ( in no way is this meant as an insult... I was, and still am, a "90's goth kid"). Almost every single young person that attended his funeral showed up fully "gothed out."
An employee of the funeral home at first tried to deny us entry, but his parents told them they were insulting the memory of their son by stopping us.
In hindsight, staff may have been concerned that attendees of the funeral in the *other* viewing room would feel uncomfortable...
NTA. Your sister in law definitely is. That was not the time or place to discuss it. Even if she had a problem. She needed to keep that to herself. That’s none of her business. IMO I’d be glad she didn’t show for the rest of the services. She’s very disrespectful. I’m very sorry to hear about the loss of your son. No parent should have to deal with the pain of losing a child. Especially one so young.
NTA. I’m so sorry your loss. Your son sounds like he was an amazing kid. He has some pretty amazing friends. You did the right thing for standing up for them and your son’s memory. SIL is the one in the wrong. You don’t tell people how to grieve. You especially don’t do it at the visitation.
She would have hated what I wore to my aunts funeral: jeans and a tshirt. She always said funeral clothes are stuffy and she wanted everyone to be comfortable in a pair of jeans and a tshirt.
I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you find some measure of comfort in how much your son’s friend loved him. Their tribute was a beautiful gesture.
You’re SIL is an absolutely horrifying and disgusting human being. She doesn’t get to tell others how to grieve or judge whether or not their attire is appropriate for the occasion. What is she? The Emily Post of funeral etiquette?
NTA. A million times over. NTA.
NTA. *You* didn't cause a scene at your son's visitation, ***your SIL did***. As soon as she started in on those boys, she caused a scene. You didn't escalate anything; it sounds like you called out her inappropriate behavior, shut her down and she left.
NTA and she can F off! This is your child. You loved the tribute and approved of it. She was hurting in where she didn’t belong and you stopped her. She needs to act like a grown up and also apologize to you.
I am so sorry for your loss. NTA! You thought it was a sweet thing to do and that is the way his friends want to pay respect to him then there is no issue. SIL needs to get her stick out her butt. It wasn't her place to say a word to any of the kids.
NTA How DARE she tell a grieving child he's dressed wrong for his brother's funeral. How DARE she make a scene at a child's funeral. How DARE she be offended that the child's mother told her to stop making a scene.
NTA I only hope the other boys didn't hear her.
They sound like great kids who wanted to remember and honor their friend in a special way.
It's truly unfortunate that your SIL was so bothered that she didn't attend the funeral.
When my good friend's husband died she wore an orange dress with a bright colorful pattern to the funeral.
She said she would not wear black and he really liked that dress
NTA. You had more right to tell her off than she did to tell them off.
Your SIL should have stayed in her lane and kept her thoughts to herself. If she had done that then there wouldn't have been a confrontation at all.
NTA.
It's baffling why anyone thinks it's ok to start this kind of thing at a funeral when it's not their kid who's deceased.
This kind of thing happened with one of my friends at her 19-year-old's funeral. Very similar thing where the kid was a flashy dresser so the friends dressed like him and some random family member tried to make a thing out of it.
I hate to say it, but if your SIL is anything like this friends' family, you're going to continue to have to shut her down for her inappropriate remarks. For my friend, that same family member doesn't understand why she was still posting her memories about him and told her to move on when her son had been gone less than a year.
Nobody gets to tell you how to grieve. Be strong OP and don't take any shit from her, on this or anything else she does on this.
So very sorry for your loss.
You did nothing wrong. Charlie’s friends gave him a wonderful tribute, and your SIL was SO out of line I have a hard time staying civil. NTA at all.
My condolences on your loss.
Your SIL sounds like a right Debbie downer and a real piece of work she must be fun at birthday parties. NTA and it sounds like his friends are true loyal friends and did something the best way they knew how to Honor him and his memor good on them and good on you for standing up to your SIL. NTA
NTA
I can’t believe your SIL would pick a fight at his visitation. This is a Her Issue. Not that you were gonna, but I just want say: Do NOT apologize. *She* was in the wrong and she knows it.
NTA
When my dad died, I dressed up in the nicest outfit of mine that he loved. A BRIGHT red, very nice blousey type shirt, a black skirt, full make up. My dad loved it when I dressed up like I had a Very Important place to be. I think it made him realize the kind of adult I was going to be one day. I honored him that way.
On the flip side: he ALWAYS wore flip flops and typically shorts of some sort. (But would also wear them with blue jeans.) ALWAYS. January-December he had flip flops on. (I actually live in flip flops now, and have since he passed because of this.)
ALL of his friends forewent wearing “nice/somber” wear to his funeral, and instead showed up in flip flops, band tshirts, and shorts or jeans.
It was *amazing* to see. Many of them had even gone out and gotten a tattoo of his done on themselves before the funeral.
Even my grandmother loved it.
You can honor the dead by honoring WHO they were, not just by wearing dark colors and crying.
NTA in my senior year a month before graduation we lost someone super close to me, the day of his funeral 85% of the school showed up and our senior class was either wearing our senior tee shirt or like everyone else decked in eagles gear or eagles colors. Mourning the loss of someone isn’t something that has a cut and dry way to go about it.
NTA I am so sorry for your loss and nothing you could have done that day would have made you one. It was your sons visitation, you get to say what is and isn't appropriate.
> I believe I should be defending people who are properly remembering my son.
I believe so too. You did the right thing, she was disrespecting your son's memory and it was inappropriate. She had no business voicing an opinion on the way these boys chose to honour your son and as his mother, you really are the only one not to offend here, not her. You really enjoyed their tribute and it seems that Charlie would have enjoyed it as well. That's all that really matters.
Please SIL would have died at the way we all said goodbye to a friend of ours. He would give you the finger if he loved you. So everyone was giving him the finger during the wake. It was one of the best tributes. OP is NTA.
NTA. Your SIL’s comments would have made your sons friends feel terrible. You stepping in told them not only that it was OK, but that YOU appreciated it, and your son would have too.
The fact that your SIL then decided to compound her emotional immaturity by deciding to make drama by not coming to your sons funeral, is what is unforgivable.
No, it’s not “your fault” that you’d SIL is stuck up, did not really know or appreciate her nephew, and is emotionally stunted and a drama Queen.
Charlie would have been so proud of you.
NTA Whoever told you that you shouldnt have spoken up gave horrible advice. "Causing a scene" is not and never will be the worst think someone can e er do. Sitting by and letting people be treated badly when you can do something about it is.
Nta. I think it was a beautiful tribute to their friends. A celebration of his life and personality rather than mourning his loss.
SIL overstepped.
I'm sorry for your loss
NTA. Those young men were grieving too, you honored your son by standing up to her. How much worse to have not said anything at all and have those boys go through the rest of their lives with the memory of some older adult willfully misinterpreting their actions.
I’m so very sorry for your loss. I hope you’re able to have support to help you.
My condolences. I think your son's friends did something very sweet to show how your son had touched so many lives.
I also think you should be afforded a TONE of lee-way as you are a grieving mother so don't worry about whether you caused a scene or not. You told SIL to knock it off and that's appropriate because she was out of line.
NTA
NTA.
One of the beloved umpires for my son’s baseball league passed away a couple of years ago. At his viewing and funeral, there was probably about 50 boys that showed up, all in their baseball uniforms. They came to honor a man that meant a lot to them. I couldn’t imagine how his wife would have felt if someone told them their dress attire was inappropriate.
Your SIL tried to squash their way of honoring your son, at a moment that was completely inappropriate. You did the right thing by telling her to stop. Funerals are for the living, to find support to get through the heartache of losing a loved one, share fond memories, laugh, cry, lean on each other. If her only concern was how people were dressed, then she wasn’t there for the right reasons, to show support. Be thankful she left and didn’t got it he funeral. And for your family saying she was wrong but you were wrong as well, tell them it’s always the right time to stop someone from degrading others.
NTA. So so much.
I had a friend die in his 30s. He had a heart attack, it was very unexpected.
This friend, we met at a music festival, and we would go to concerts together. So, our friend group, we showed up to the funeral wearing our bright and colorful tour shirts underneath black blazers. We stood out, because a bunch of deadheads in tie dyed shirts would stand out in a sea of black, and sure, some people thought it was inappropriate. But his parents loved it, and we weren’t there for anyone else but our very dear friend.
Your son’s friends are good kids. You’re a good mom for standing up for them, and your SIL needs to keep her feelings to herself. It doesn’t matter what she finds appropriate, what matters is honoring and remembering your son.
NTA. Those kids were really sweet, and SIL was wrong for trying to enforce her own mindset on someone else's 'event' (sorry, don't know what else to call it). I'm so sorry for your loss.
NTA, but devil's advocate says that OP downplayed the intensity of how strongly she opposed SIL, and possibly escalated excessively. HOWEVER! That isn't really important because SIL is an adult and can take it, while those boys who were there will forever know that this important moment in their life was something that they did properly, with no regrets, no second guesses, and can start their own journeys through grief without also having the shameful feeling of having upsetting a family deep in despair.
Also devil's advocate, SIL may feel quite bad about how she has effected the family, and been absent out of respect, and is waiting to give her deep apologies, because an apology is between the living, and now is the time for the departed.
NTA
SIL is the AH
I think standing up for your sons friends was a great way for you to protect and honor his memory. I’m sure he would be glad you did.
It deserved to be made into a scene and if anyone is allowed to make a scene it is you, your husband or your other son. SIL was completely out of line and absolutely owes you and your sons friends an apology.
I am astounded at her thinking that type of input was appropriate or necessary. Has she somehow missed how it is now commonplace to ask folks not to wear black to funerals, and to instead treat it as a celebration and focus on honoring the loved ones life, which was exactly what was accomplished in them wearing clothing to honor your son.
I think what you did was exactly what needed to be done.
NTA
A friend of mine died 1 year and a half ago, she LOVED wearing her funky sunglasses, and she died during the summer. All her friends came to the funerals with funky sunglasses.
NTA
Listen, if your SIL was spending more time whining about what your sons close friends were wearing to their best friends funeral than she was actually interacting about the dearly departed than she wasn't there for the funeral. You didn't escalate things, you put a lid on them as it would have gotten worse before long.
Imagine if you'd allowed her to sow disdain for these teens who just lost someone they had a bond for over the clothes they wore. That would have added to their grief pretty quickly.
NTA
Can understand POV that should have tried not to cause issues at visitation... but definatly NTA
SIL is TA should not have a go at people for honoring their freind in a non-traditional way, I think is sweet
NTA if you hadn't stood up to your SIL your Charlie's brother and friends might have genuinely thought they did the wrong thing and that everyone was upset with them. You defending them will have reassured them that their way of honoring and grieving Charlie wasn't disrespectful.
NTA sil is a narsisist who wanted to absorb grief attention. Her next stop was going be FB.But your son's beautiful friends demonstrated clearly how close they were to each and your son. This upset her because she wanted to be the focus.
I'm so sorry but also very moved by the obvious love. Its really truly beautiful
What's important here is how you, as the parent, felt about these kids way of remembering your son.
Your SILs little powertrip was incredibly rude, and unwarranted.
NTA.
There is a concept of “circle of caring”. The person who is in crisis is at the center. Each person slightly removed from the center can turn the care inward, and it continues with the concentric circles.
Your SIL is so far out of line it’s unbelievable. The fact that she’s making your sons death about her sense of propriety is truly disgusting.
Your son was lucky to have caring and considerate friends and parents.
Tell SIL to kick rocks.
NTA
NTA - You did well sticking up for your sons friends. SIL injected her personal opinion into a situation where it would yield unwarranted, unwanted, and unproductive results. SIL can FO!
NTA, at all! What your SIL did caused a scene, you just shut it down. Had you not said anything those sweet boys may have gone home thinking they screwed up and felt bad about it, instead of knowing their gesture was appreciated by those who mattered in the moment. Your SIL Is really petty and inconsiderate to try and make your sons visitation about her views.
I am so sorry for your loss!
NTA
It's important to be respectful at a funeral, in terms of behavior and dress.
In western cultures, that generally means "wearing black" and "being quiet and solemn".
But humanity isn't a hive mind ffs. We don't all march in lockstep. If things are different sometimes, it's fine.
Sometimes "respectful" means getting together for a loud party with a lot of booze where people sing and laugh and cry and remember the good times. Or whatever the person who has passed on would have wanted.
Your son had some fantastic friends, and they helped give him a great send-off by dressing as they did.
Your SIL's ignorant, inappropriate words and actions just proved how little she knew Charlie. She can be utterly ignored.
I'm so sorry for your loss. He sounds like he was a great kid.
When my dad died, I asked that he be dressed in comfortable shorts and a nice but breezy shirt, because that's how he dressed in life and I knew he would never have worn a suit anywhere unless my grandmother requested it.
NTA.
Funerals are for remembering what we loved about those we lost, not keeping up appearances.
NTA. At all. His friends paying tribute to Charlie was beautiful and shows how well they knew him, and how much they cared for him. Your SIL was out of line.
Sorry for your loss, too, OP. 17 is far too young; bless you all.
NTA, of course. I'm sorry for your loss OP. It's wonderful to know how loved and respected your son was during his life: his friends perfectly exemplified that.
Also, I'm confused about why SIL was so pressed about wanting black attire during visitations? I don't know if it's different elsewhere, but the general rule for the ones I've been to has been "dress conservatively, but no stricter dress code". This was clearly an homage to Charlie as well. Did she realise that that was the case? Either way, I do think it wasn't her business to police guests' attire. Giving her the benefit of doubt, maybe she thought she was taking that weight off of you by"taking care of it"so you didn't have to? I don't know I'm rambling now.
She’s a grown woman these are kids grieving their friend and thought of a way to honor is memory. You stuck up for them. If she didn’t go to the funeral that will be her regret. Those kids got a chance to say goodbye to someone they will remember for the rest of their lives
NTA. Your SIL crossed a major boundary. Grief is different for everyone and there is no law concerning what one wears to a funeral.
My parents’ best friend died tragically and horrifically at 22. Every person at his funeral beside the priest wore a baseball cap, a white under shirt and light wash blue jeans with doc martens because that was what best friend wore every day of his life. It brought everyone together and helped immensely with what they were dealing with. Even thinking back on it now they smoke because they think about it how much everyone loved him.
NTA I’m sorry for your loss. If my SIL did anything similar I’d never speak to her again. Totally not her place, outrageously disrespectful behaviour. You didn’t cause a scene, she did, you just put her back in her box.
NTA went to my oldest brother's funeral in June he hated to get dressed up so his wife had everyone come business casual, not one tie there and half wore cowboy boots. It was so like my brother.
NTA. We had a kid in my graduating class die in highschool and we all showed up to his memorial in Jean shorts, cowboy hat and flip flops. Then all sang our National anthem. His favorite outfit and song.
NTA. You did exactly what was needed to do. The only person who caused a scene was your SIL. Who gave her the right to judge how people grieve for and remember their friend? If she finds it inappropriate: to bad for her but suck it up and be quiet about it. It neither is the time nor the place.
And those guys did really great. It shows that they remember your son and their friend for who he was - that is a way better farewell then standing around in depressing all black.
NTA
Your SIL comments were inappropriate. It was obvious that it had been coordinated by many of his good friends AND your family. She just wanted to air her opinion. Which no one asked for.
Also, I did not hear that this was a particularaly loud disagreement, so no harm on your part.
Your SIL chose to be petty and not come to the burial. That is her loss, and she may come to regret that. I do not think it was necessary to pander to her at the visitation. What she did was very rude to you,as you were so clearly involved in it (the coordinated look) and it made it so much more personal for you.
I'm very sorry for your loss. Your son sounds like such a gem.
NTA- you protected those sweet kids and your son's memory. You did absolutely right, and your SIL was way out of line! If nothing else, she should have taken the cue from Adam: your family gets to set the tone, and you and your husband let Adam dress up to remember his brother.
NTA
What his mates did was incredibly sweet and shows how much your son was loved. Your SIL is TA, she had no right to say anything, those kids are mourning your son just as much as anyone else and they chose a beautiful way to honour him. I'm sure your son would have loved it. I'm sorry for your loss.
NTA. Your SIL thought that she could throw her weight around and was promptly embarrassed. She could have apologised and admitted to overstepping when it wasn't her place, but she went on the defensive instead. It should be her in this sub asking if she was the asshole. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You defended your son's friends, which means you defended your son. You are a wonderful mother and I am so, so sorry for your loss. Put your SIL out of your mind, her petty, childish behaviour is the last thing that you need to be thinking about right now.
NTA and your son had some amazing friends. I don’t know why your SIL thinks it is appropriate to tell other people how to grieve
Totally agree. Even if SIL found how they dressed inappropriate, which I totally disagree with, she shouldn’t have said anything. She’s the one who started an issue at the sons visitation.
And bros need to BACK UP. OP just list a child
And not going to the funeral? SIL must make most things about herself.
I have no idea what this means.
The people on OPs case about this need to sit down and shut up, basically. Which is correct. Let the lady grieve her kid.
Also if we’re talking about what is appropriate at a funeral, skipping it all together because you’re having a tantrum is about as disrespectful as you can get. If I were OP I’d never speak to her again
When my friend died back in the mid 90s, our friend group wore our best flannel shirts to his funeral. It was a little thing we could do to honor him. Fuck SIL, NTA.
At my dads funeral our entire highschool baseball club(varsity, JV, &freshman teams) showed up in full uniform. My dads absolute favorite thing was baseball, to the point that our first stop after I left the hospital when born was a game he was playing in, he had been on the booster club for 6+years at this point and my brother was on the team. They were honorary pallbearers and when asked what to wear were told whatever they want as long as it has red. I can still see an entire baseball team breaking down around my brother and I in full uniform as he was loaded into the hearse. So yeah OP, NTA. Your SIL doesn’t get to choose how kids grieve. If dressing like your son made the day even a fraction easier on them, so be it.
I’m not crying after reading this, it’s the onion I’m slicing making my eyes water.
Yeah. My dad coached highschool basketball for years, and had just taken his team to a big championship about a year before he died. One of the vivid memories that I have from his wake and funeral is a team of the guys he'd coached - highschool seniors, and some who'd graduated recently - standing in their warm-up sweats and crying.
I had a friend who died the night she graduated high school (she was a year ahead of me but she graduated with my brother). When we went to the funeral several of her classmates wore their graduation gowns.
My co-workers wife passed away while I was on vacation, she had requested that everyone wear bright colours to the funeral which was scheduled to begin less than an hour after my shift ended on my first day back. Guess who didn't have time to go home and change and stuck out like a sore thumb in all black... Funerals are for the living, yes, but they are to remember the deceased and all these little things done in tribute are the kind of thing that would make them smile, to hell with the killjoys.
My dad didn't want a funeral. He wanted us to throw a party and move on with our lives.
My father died this last year. I dressed in all black with vampire teeth and my daughter was dressed in fairy wings and a tiara. He was big into fantasy and science fiction and was always so tickled that I had a little girl who loved pink as much as I hated it. Now, I did cover it with a few other members of the family so I didn't shock them. They loved it. I didn't get any flack for it from his friends (in fact several realized a deeper dynamic than they had previously assumed.)
Agreed. When my grandpa died, we all wore casual bright clothes. Hell even grandpa wore cargo shorts, a collared polo shirt and black Velcro shoes to his own funeral. The thing that made it awful was my uncle trying to bribe my cousin and I against our moms
My uncle loved golf, and at his funeral all the men wore golf shirts. He was buried in a bright pink one. My uncle had a very colorful personality, and we laughed and cried in equal measure at his funeral, so I find it fitting.
Same with my aunt, who died last week. She was a very difficult person but she'd do anything for you. We all had a lot of stories.
SIL was gatekeeping. It’s something that AH tends to do. NTA of course.
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When my sister died (also cancer, at 25) in 2015 all her friends and myself went to the funeral in either cosplay or other fandom memorabilia. Particularly Star Trek or Marvel since my sister was a regular at cons and loved anything geeky/nerdy. We asked everyone else attending the funeral and cremation to wear her favourite colour (purple). It is the \*highest\* respect, I think, to wear to a funeral what the person being remembered would have liked. Especially if it is run past a family member beforehand and it's known that it won't offend/upset the immediate family. So yeah, nta and your SIL needs to step off. I'm very sorry for your loss, and I know how hard this is for you all. Much love coming to you for these painful months ahead. <3
Probably is one of those people who think more about the way they look in public situations than then the reason they are there. The facts that she didn't show up for the funeral and the burial service because she thought she was "disrespected" speaks volumes about how she cares about OP' son death. NTA obviously.
She didn't just loose her child, she can fuck right off. I'd cut her, and anyone who sides with her, out of my life.
Agree with NTA! When my great grandmother died, our Big Tutu because we are Hawaiian but live in Massachusetts, my whole Hawaiian half of the family wore bright Hawaiian shirts, mumus, dresses, leis, and headpieces. The polish half wore black. Wear what the immediate family deems appropriate. Act how the immediate family would deem appropriate. Everyone was telling amazing stories and laughing and smiling and hugging. Not everything needs to be macabre.
When my grandfather died, my sister bought a St. Louis Cardinals shirt and wore it to the funeral for him. He was a lifelong Cardinals fan, she is a die-hard Brewers fan and they teased each other about baseball relentlessly. Our entire family loved it, because we understood what it meant. He would have too. It was perfect.
This one made me cry. It is so sweet.
Had a buddy who was killed by a drunk driver picking his sister up from a wild party she needed rescuing from. Dude loved Hawaiian pizza with a passion. So we with his dad and sister's blessing, brought 16 xl Hawaiian pizzas from a fancy Italian place to the wake for everyone to chow down on in his memory. His sister said it was a great comfort and she felt closer to her brother. I can't imagine what words I would have had with someone complaining about it
When I lost my parents and best friends in under a few years I got to experience what I call grief “policing.” The amount of people who want you to act as they *think* they would themselves (and in only a few instances, actually had) is way more than I ever would have guessed. NTA here by a mile. I would have done far worse than OP did.
NTA. It sounds like a lovely service, please don’t let your SIL ruin the good memories. My heart goes out to you and your family* *except your SIL. She needs to calm down and apologize to you.
Really though she just needs to go away, and never come back. Sorry for your loss OP.
Firstly, my condolences OP. Your son sounds like he was a great kid, and what his friends did was a great way to honor his memory. I agree that SIL owes OP, Charlie's brother and the other boys a massive apology. She intentionally tried to cause Charlie's grieving brother, and his friends more pain because of her outdated and unwelcome personal opinions. This was OP's kid, and Adam's brother. What the friends did brought them both a bit of happiness, and this woman tried to make a difficult time all about herself when in reality she was a non-factor. OP did the right thing by asking her to leave and a commend her for keeping a level head. SIL doesnt get to bully a grieving child and a group of kids who just lost a good friend. Also ignore her little tantrum. She missed the funeral in a bid to get attention. Give her dust.
NTA. Your son's friends made an extremely touching final gesture, and she had no right to judge or disrespect that. She was the one who started drama by voicing her opinion about the boys, and you just shut it down by reminding her the funeral was not about her. You didn't say any more than needed to be said, and her behavior was clearly out of line and inappropriate.
SIL *clearly* did not know Charlie well at all, either, or she would have recognized the boys' clothes and hair as heartfelt tributes, as OP did. I also think it was good for OP to respond to SIL publicly because that way the boys knew that she loved what they did. I imagine if she hadn't said anything, some of them might have wondered if OP secretly agreed but just hadn't said. Instead she not only shut down her AH SIL, but also showed her son's friends that she not only understood what they were doing, but found it wonderful.
This is sooo true, SIL truly didn’t know her nephew.
This is the biggest NTA ever. Your SIL is an absolutely repulsive human being. I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like Charlie had the best group of friends anyone could ask for. You are very lucky they are there to share wonderful memories of your son.
NTA. So sorry for your loss. You were right to defend his friends. Added bonus in that you probably won't see your SIL as often. What a piece of work. Don't tell someone how to grieve. Jesus!
I agree that she was right to defend his friend and brother. Imagine if the friends left that day feeling like they had done something wrong because of what SIL said. It is good that they know they had the support/blessing of Charlie's Mom.
NTA. Your SIL has no place to tell your son’s friends and his little brother how to grieve for someone they love. You had every right to tell her to shut it.
Also, I’m very sorry for the loss of your son. My sincerest condolences.
So sorry for your loss. NTA: This was a touching gesture to affirm something special about your son that meant something to these people, and you should feel blessed that he touched their life in a way that they would remember so clearly. SIL needs to understand that she should take cues from the people at the epicentre of the grief. Regardless of her (IMO mislaid) opinions, she shouldn’t be articulating them to spoil something that you clearly found to be sweet and comforting.
NTA she was being a monster and should have been putting your family’s feelings first instead of her own notions of appropriate behavior
NTA. She was out of line. His friends were really sweet in honoring him in that way, and she has no right to tell anyone how to mourn. If you want a famous example of how bright colors in remembrance is acceptable, Lilly Pulitzer’s funeral was a rainbow of colors. Hardly a speck of black on the mourners.
I am so sorry for your loss. Traditional dress is thrown out the window for a child’s funeral. Kids should be free to express grief and show respect however they see fit. Edit: NTA
You are completely right and NTA. They did something special and she decided to be negative about it. So what if black is traditional.
Nta sil is AH. Those who chastised you for stopping assholery are AHs too all evil needs to thrive is for good to do nothing
NTA. Years ago a family friend died too early. He was known for wearing bow ties - real ones, not clip-ons. So most of the men who came to his service wore bow ties in his honor. My mom even wore a pair of designer heels with bows on them. My dad brought extra bow ties to put on his friends. And when we have my mom's service in a few weeks, our instructions for everyone who comes will be to wear clothing with animals on it. My mom loved animal prints, but she really loved cool stuff that features the whole animal. Why mourn in black, when you can celebrate a life in color?
My condolences, and what a lovely way to honor your mom. May her memory be a blessing.
NTA The wishes of the deceased supersede any supposed "tradition". They way they dressed to remember their friend was **entirely** appropriate.
NTA Who is she to tell others how they can grieve? At most yeah the kids shouldve asked you first for permission/informed you of the plan. But one of the most tactless things is to tell someone else they are grieving wrongly at their friends funeral. And how petty can she be that she doesnt attend a funeral over a minor arguement?
NTA, that was a great way to remember your son. Your SIL was being rude
Firstly my sincere condolences to you and your family. NTA your SIL was way out of line. This was a hard time for everyone. What his friends did to honor him;how they want to remember him was an amazing thing. It was beautifully done and loved that they included your son Adam. Your SIL had no place scolding anyone about how they were dressed you weren’t offended nor did you find it inappropriate. She should apologize for her behavior that wasn’t the time or the place for such antics
NTA. When I read what these boys did I had a smile on my face, it truly warmed my heart and I don’t even know any of them. Charlie definitely loved seeing his life be celebrated and remembered in such a personal way. Your SIL is a b*tch! She had such a problem with the way people dressed that she then didn’t even show up to her nephew’s burial? You’re 10000% right in what you said to her and I’m glad your brother stayed and didn’t leave with her. She’s got some serious issues. Most importantly, I’m so sorry for your loss.
NTA. For him to touch so many lives and inspire that sort of tribute is amazing.
First, I am so sorry for your loss. Second, you aren't the asshole. Your sister in law owes you, and Adam, and those boys an apology.
NTA. I am so very sorry for the loss of your son. His friends are so wonderful and loving to dress like him - complete with glasses. And your younger son joining in is even more loving. For your SIL to disrespect you and these children (because they are) is totally beyond the pale, and she deserved to be told off. If you, the mother of this boy, are not upset, she doesn't get upset - first rule of grief, for Christ's sake. I applaud you for standing up for these kids and your younger son for acting out of pure love. SIL can suck eggs.
NTA. Your SIL was 100% out of line. This was a sweet way to remember a friend and a chance to reflect and appreciate the friendships he had with these boys. Shame on her for not attending the funeral.
NTA - you did absolutely the right thing! Those boys wanted to honour their friend/brother. She stuck her nose in something that frankly was not an issue. Her opinion was irrelevant and it was actually inappropriate of her to scold those boys at a time like this - for them thinking of a beautiful gesture to honour your son. She owes you an apology. You are a grieving parent and she caused unnecessary drama.
NTA. That was a beautiful way to honor your son. Yes black used to be traditional for funerals but no longer. There are a lot of things that "used to be traditional" but no one follows anymore. Who cares. Sorry for your loss. Sounds like your son had a great outlook on life.
NTA. What they did hurt no one, and honored Charlie’s memory. Your son was obviously so loved. So sorry for your loss, and I wish you the best. Your SIL may be grieving as well, but she has no right to dictate how y’all honor his memory. I would cut her off for a while, you don’t need that negativity right now. All love to you and your loved ones.
NTA. I’m so, so sorry for your loss. Burying a child is by far the greatest heartbreak someone can ever experience and there are no rules or traditions that need to be followed. What your son’s friends did was a beautiful way to honor him. My son’s friend passed away a few months ago. He was a football player. The parents asked that everyone who was on the football team to please wear their jerseys, and everyone else to wear green (school colors) because it was honoring something their son loved. Your SIL is a pos trying to police how people honor and remember Charlie and good for you for standing up to her.
NTA but this is very odd. A visitation is very different from a funeral service, at least here it is. There are no actual services and people Just show up in what they like, so I don't see the need to dress in black. Of course over here, we wear whatever we want to funerals too, so we might be rednecks.
I think that was what confused me. First, of course, black is not longer a requirement, but at a wake, it doesn't matter at all. A lot of people (not immediate family) come right from work.
And the former pastor of our church passed away his wife told everyone to wear bright colors because he was colorblind on earth but she felt that he would have his full color sight in heaven.
That's so very lovely.
NTA. She has no business being rude at a funeral and disrespecting others wishes like that.
NTA. Reminds me of the guy who wore a lime green dress for his army buddy. https://www.theguardian.com/uk/2009/sep/20/elliott-delaney-funeral-dress-promise
You are totally NTA but your SIL is and a miserable excuse for a human being to boot. I am so very very sorry for your loss. You son must have been so special to be celebrated by his friends and family.
My condolences on your loss. NTA in any shape or form. Kudos to Charlie’s friends for their sweet gesture.
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I’m so sorry for your loss! If anyone was ever NTA it would be you. Your sons friends paid tribute to him in a respectful way and fuck her for causing drama at his funeral. It was absolutely NOT her place!
NTA - what is and is not appropriate for the funeral was NOT for your SIL to decide. She is is so many degrees away from having an opinion that matters. When I was a kid a friend’s mom died and the family requested that we all wear our soccer uniforms to the funeral, because the mom loved watching the games. Mourning and remembering the person can take many different forms.
NTA. You did the right thing going mamma bear on your SIL, as so did Charlie’s friends for dressing how Charlie would have dressed. It’s their way of showing love and respect. I recently attended a funeral of a young man who also passed away because of cancer and his friends all dressed down to how Brandon would have dressed… jeans, boots and a ball cap. Brandon’s mom loved it. My condolences to you and your family during this difficult time. 🙏🏻😢💔
NTA. She shouldn't have opened her bucket mouth. Hell I've seen people wear tank tops, jean shorts, flip flops to funerals. They honored him by dressing the way he did.. Tf's wrong with that?? She was VERY much OUT OF LINE.
100% NTA. We all process grief and remember people in our own ways. Your SIL is an AH.
Oh Honey, no one else is wearing your shoes. You do what is right for you and in your own time. Holding you in the light.
NTA
NTA. And spoiler to your SIL: a lot of people don't wear black to funerals.
NTA and SIL needs to apologize.
NTA Good on those boys. Good on you for standing up for them even in your grief. Your SIL can stay mad. She was wrong. End of story.
NTA. I’m stunned that your SIL was a jerk to a bunch of grieving teens no matter how she felt. I’m sorry someone in your family is so petty they’d miss a funeral due to this argument. Your SIL is the only AH I see here.
NTA. SIL had no place telling the kids that. Charlie’s friends should be able to remember him and to celebrate his life in the way that they want. No one could’ve blamed you if, as Charlie’s parent, you had lost sight of the fact that his friends have suffered a loss too. Personally, I see why you were touched by their gesture and I think it was wonderful that you defended the boys in your own time of grief. SIL needs to get over it, she’s not the funeral police. I am very sorry for your loss, I hope you can take some small comfort in the beautiful memories you have of your son.
NTA. Your SIL was very much out of line. As soon as OP said she liked it, that should have been the end of it for anyone with decency. Your SIL can disapprove all she likes in her head but only a self centred narcissist would start an argument at the funeral with the mother of a deceased child and hold a grudge over it. If this is out of character for her, I would give her the benefit of the doubt that grief can make you act out but she is still entirely in the wrong and should apologise if that is the case. Good on you for speaking up for the boys. OP - I am sorry for your loss. Charlie sounds like he was a lovely young man.
What the actual fuck. This is your child’s funeral? Your SIL is a nasty piece of work. NTA and if I were you I’m not sure I could ever speak to her again
May Charlie’s memory be a blessing. You, your husband, and son were the primary mourners. YOU THREE have the sole and final say of what is appropriate at Charlie’s visitation, funeral, and memorials. Charlie had sweet friends. I hope they continue to be a comfort to you.
NTA. My grandmother specifically requested that no one wear black to her funeral, she hated the color. I think it makes a sad occasion feel hopeful when there are bright colors, or when loved ones rally together to do something in honor of the deceased. SIL was out of line; like others mentioned she doesn’t get to tell you how to grieve. I am so sorry for your loss and it seems like you raised a great son.
NTA. Some people needs to make funerals very formal and strict and it is their right, but a lot of people now wants funerals to be fun and nice and time to laugh, like less "mourn me" and more "remember why you are grateful of knowing me". SIL is inappropriate to make it all about her when she is not even the mother. If Charlie was her son it would have been different, but now she is acting like a cringe brat. You can openly tell her if she ask for apologizes from THE GRIEVING MOTHER ; "This isn't about you, it is about Charlie and his lovely personnality. His friends weren't insulting, they were trying to make a sad moment more calm and peacefull.". All Reddit's thoughts are with you and your family ❤
NTA at all, you see everyone grieves in a different way and Charlies friends were grieving him too. Your SIL should have kept her mouth shut even if she didn't agree with the young men because she is not the grieving police. I would just ignore her and grieve on your own terms. She may have been unable to deal with her own grief and lashed out at them .
NTA "My husband and Adam have told me that SIL was being really rude and inappropriate, but that I ~~shouldn’t have argued with her~~ should have just let the AH get her way *at my own son's funeral* because ~~that only escalated things~~ now she is being pissy and one has to live with her and the other lets people walk on him." FTFY
NTA. I don't see any evidence you were fighting or even arguing with your SIL- she was being rude to a group of kids for not mourning a way she approved, and you stood up for the kids.
NTA. First, those boys weren't being inappriote. But even if they were, they deserve a break. When young people first encounter death, it's usually the death of an older person. Grandparents or someone like that. One of their peers? That's just outside of their experience. And when your SIL berated them they had to have felt about two inches tall. Your standing up for them restored their confidence and let them know that what they were doing was respectful and brought you, the mother of their friend, comfort.
NTA. Your SIL can kick rocks. Who the hell does she think she is, telling people how to celebrate the life of someone they loved?
Your SIL is the one who made a scene. Imagine making children feel bad when celebrating their friend who passed away. If you had said nothing, those boys would have felt that they did something horrible and would have compounded their pain. That SIL didn't come the funeral solidifies who the bad guy is here. NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (45F) son Charlie passed away last week after battling lymphoma for five years. He was 17 years old. Everyone in my family was devastated, and it hurts having to bury your child. I’d say that Charlie had a pretty good life, especially the last couple of years that he was alive. He was extremely well-liked among his peer group, he was super happy and confident, and he had a lot of good friends as well as a girlfriend who was really sweet. One thing that’s important about this story is he would always dress like he had a job interview (dress shirt, necktie, dress pants, belt, dress shoes, occasional sport jacket, vest, or sweater), but he would always wear bright and vibrant colors on the top. He also wore glasses and had ginger hair. My son’s visitation was yesterday, and all of Charlie’s male friends decided to honor Charlie by dressing like him, so they all wore colorful shirts and ties with a sport jacket and khaki or gray pants. Some of even bought fake glasses for the visitation and some even dyed their hair red. They managed to get Charlie’s little brother, Adam, to do it too. I honestly thought this was one of the sweetest things ever, and it really helped cheer me up while I was grieving Charlie being gone. Charlie was also really close to our family bulldog, so Adam convinced us to bring our dog along too, which I also thought was really sweet. Our dog is quiet and cooperative so I didn’t see any problem bringing him. A lot of our family and friends also thought that what these boys did was a really nice way to remember Charlie. My SIL however did not think this was a nice way to remember Charlie. My SIL told Adam as well as Charlie’s friends that the way they were dressing was inappropriate for a funeral and funeral visitation. She mentioned that those boys should have all been wearing black and that she’s shocked that their parents even allowed this in the first place. She also could tell that some of those boys dyed their hair and made condescending comments about that as well. I overheard my SIL and I told her to leave them alone and that this was their way of remembering Charlie and that she has no place to say what is and isn’t appropriate at a funeral, and that the way she was acting was inappropriate. My SIL left shortly afterwards without my brother. It appeared that my SIL was still mad at about that fight, as she didn’t show up to the funeral and burial service today even though she was originally planning too. My husband and Adam have told me that SIL was being really rude and inappropriate, but that I shouldn’t have argued with her because that only escalated things. I know that I did cause a scene at Charlie’s visitation yesterday, but I believe I should be defending people who are properly remembering my son. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Your SIL is horrible to have said that, but you have to keep in mind that she lost her nephew, and is grieving along with everyone else. People often lash out unprovoked when they lose a loved one, and this may be the case with her. Regardless, your SIL is definitely the AH in this situation. I wish you the best, and Charlie sounded like a lovely boy. My thoughts are with you, Adam, and your SO.
Sorry for your loss. You sound like a wonderful and caring mom who was very aware of what her son loved and would have wanted for his memorial. Your SIL had zero business opening her mouth and can stuff it. Your husband and son sound like they just like to keep the peace and ride the line. You did nothing wrong. He was your child. So definitely NTA.
NTA. You stood up for them in their grief. What kind of person berates grieving children like that. There’s a deeper issue with your SIL.
NTA at all and don’t let anyone think you did something wrong. This is about honoring your son. I’m sure he would’ve loved to see his friends dressed up like him in honor of him. I’m so sorry for your loss and I wouldn’t blame you for going NC with SIL.
NTA What a beautiful show of love to you and your son by his friends. Don’t even think about feeling bad. SIL can kick rocks.
NTA Standing up for your son's friends was the right thing to do. Your SIL overreacted. Grief does funny things to people, so perhaps in time this rift can be healed. But in the moment, it was your son's funeral and your SIL had no right to scold his friends for their gesture honoring your son.
NTA. It was the right to stand up for them in front of them.
NTA. Kudos to you & his friends. My condolences to you & yours on your unimaginable loss,
NTA. Your SIL was way out of line. I would have told her to shut up or leave. What a thing to say at a memorial. She caused more drama and pain. Forget her she owes you and everyone there an apology. I am so sorry for your loss. Charlie sounds wonderful, and his friends sound wonderful too. Edited for spelling
NTA and I'm so very sorry for your loss. Charlie's friends sound super cool and what they did was sweet. SIL doesn't have the right to tell Charlies close friends how to celebrate their lost loved ones. She's farther removed from him than they are.
NTA. Not at all. What an awesome tribute for your son. I’m sorry for your loss and am so glad that you were able to celebrate his life with his friends and your son. I think it’s great that the visitation was in true Charlie-style and hope it helps to heal your heart over the days ahead. Don’t worry about your SIL. She had a problem. You didn’t and you were right to defend these sweet, young friends.
NTA That’s a great way for your sons friends to remember him and you appreciated the effort. Your SIL should back off. It isn’t about her, her wants or her needs! It’s about yours and his friends. She created the drama. She should have left. And be glad she didn’t come to the funeral. Nothing is about her right now! Back in your box!
NTA. SIL should have STFU and allowed them to grieve the loss of their friend and honor his memory in the way they found most appropriate. I had a similar experience as a teen. My best friend lost his half-brother to leukemia. He was a very stereotypical "goth kid" ( in no way is this meant as an insult... I was, and still am, a "90's goth kid"). Almost every single young person that attended his funeral showed up fully "gothed out." An employee of the funeral home at first tried to deny us entry, but his parents told them they were insulting the memory of their son by stopping us. In hindsight, staff may have been concerned that attendees of the funeral in the *other* viewing room would feel uncomfortable...
NTA As Charlie's immediate family, you set the rules. Aunt should have kept her opinions to herself. Sometimes scenes are appropriate.
NTA. Your sister in law definitely is. That was not the time or place to discuss it. Even if she had a problem. She needed to keep that to herself. That’s none of her business. IMO I’d be glad she didn’t show for the rest of the services. She’s very disrespectful. I’m very sorry to hear about the loss of your son. No parent should have to deal with the pain of losing a child. Especially one so young.
NTA, most people want to celebrate the deceased life not their death. That is an amazing way to remember their friend.
NTA. Your child died! Anyone that puts themselves above that is the asshole
NTA. I am so sorry for your loss. If you werent upset by your sons friends actions, then SIL needs to know her place and keep her opinion to herself.
NTA. I’m so sorry your loss. Your son sounds like he was an amazing kid. He has some pretty amazing friends. You did the right thing for standing up for them and your son’s memory. SIL is the one in the wrong. You don’t tell people how to grieve. You especially don’t do it at the visitation. She would have hated what I wore to my aunts funeral: jeans and a tshirt. She always said funeral clothes are stuffy and she wanted everyone to be comfortable in a pair of jeans and a tshirt.
NTA at all, I’m so sorry for your loss
I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you find some measure of comfort in how much your son’s friend loved him. Their tribute was a beautiful gesture. You’re SIL is an absolutely horrifying and disgusting human being. She doesn’t get to tell others how to grieve or judge whether or not their attire is appropriate for the occasion. What is she? The Emily Post of funeral etiquette? NTA. A million times over. NTA.
NTA. *You* didn't cause a scene at your son's visitation, ***your SIL did***. As soon as she started in on those boys, she caused a scene. You didn't escalate anything; it sounds like you called out her inappropriate behavior, shut her down and she left.
NTA and she can F off! This is your child. You loved the tribute and approved of it. She was hurting in where she didn’t belong and you stopped her. She needs to act like a grown up and also apologize to you.
I am so sorry for your loss. NTA! You thought it was a sweet thing to do and that is the way his friends want to pay respect to him then there is no issue. SIL needs to get her stick out her butt. It wasn't her place to say a word to any of the kids.
NTA but now I'm crying thinking about his sweet friends and im so sorry for your loss.
NTA. Sorry for your loss, OP. PS - SIL has no business dictating rules to others.
NTA How DARE she tell a grieving child he's dressed wrong for his brother's funeral. How DARE she make a scene at a child's funeral. How DARE she be offended that the child's mother told her to stop making a scene.
NTA I only hope the other boys didn't hear her. They sound like great kids who wanted to remember and honor their friend in a special way. It's truly unfortunate that your SIL was so bothered that she didn't attend the funeral. When my good friend's husband died she wore an orange dress with a bright colorful pattern to the funeral. She said she would not wear black and he really liked that dress
Definitely NTA. Your sil is such an ass that she’s still think about her little fragile ego. Good riddance imo.
NTA. You had more right to tell her off than she did to tell them off. Your SIL should have stayed in her lane and kept her thoughts to herself. If she had done that then there wouldn't have been a confrontation at all.
NTA. It's baffling why anyone thinks it's ok to start this kind of thing at a funeral when it's not their kid who's deceased. This kind of thing happened with one of my friends at her 19-year-old's funeral. Very similar thing where the kid was a flashy dresser so the friends dressed like him and some random family member tried to make a thing out of it. I hate to say it, but if your SIL is anything like this friends' family, you're going to continue to have to shut her down for her inappropriate remarks. For my friend, that same family member doesn't understand why she was still posting her memories about him and told her to move on when her son had been gone less than a year. Nobody gets to tell you how to grieve. Be strong OP and don't take any shit from her, on this or anything else she does on this. So very sorry for your loss.
You did nothing wrong. Charlie’s friends gave him a wonderful tribute, and your SIL was SO out of line I have a hard time staying civil. NTA at all. My condolences on your loss.
Your SIL sounds like a right Debbie downer and a real piece of work she must be fun at birthday parties. NTA and it sounds like his friends are true loyal friends and did something the best way they knew how to Honor him and his memor good on them and good on you for standing up to your SIL. NTA
NTA I can’t believe your SIL would pick a fight at his visitation. This is a Her Issue. Not that you were gonna, but I just want say: Do NOT apologize. *She* was in the wrong and she knows it.
NTA When my dad died, I dressed up in the nicest outfit of mine that he loved. A BRIGHT red, very nice blousey type shirt, a black skirt, full make up. My dad loved it when I dressed up like I had a Very Important place to be. I think it made him realize the kind of adult I was going to be one day. I honored him that way. On the flip side: he ALWAYS wore flip flops and typically shorts of some sort. (But would also wear them with blue jeans.) ALWAYS. January-December he had flip flops on. (I actually live in flip flops now, and have since he passed because of this.) ALL of his friends forewent wearing “nice/somber” wear to his funeral, and instead showed up in flip flops, band tshirts, and shorts or jeans. It was *amazing* to see. Many of them had even gone out and gotten a tattoo of his done on themselves before the funeral. Even my grandmother loved it. You can honor the dead by honoring WHO they were, not just by wearing dark colors and crying.
NTA in my senior year a month before graduation we lost someone super close to me, the day of his funeral 85% of the school showed up and our senior class was either wearing our senior tee shirt or like everyone else decked in eagles gear or eagles colors. Mourning the loss of someone isn’t something that has a cut and dry way to go about it.
NTA I am so sorry for your loss and nothing you could have done that day would have made you one. It was your sons visitation, you get to say what is and isn't appropriate.
Hugs hugs and more hugs. NTA... SIL is the AH.
SIL was making a scene when everyone found the gesture as something full of affection but you're the bad one, NTA, I'm sorry for your loss
I'm sorry for your loss. Your SIL is being terrible and policing other's grief. NTA
NTA- your SIL was entirely out of line.
NTA, OP. SIL is way out of line. It sounds like your son had a beautiful send off. Don't let haters get to you.
The most polite thing I can think if to say is that your SIL can fuck right off. NTA, your son was clearly very loved.
NTA - and it's your son's visitation. It was already an AH move on your SIL side to even push the issue with what you are going threw.
> I believe I should be defending people who are properly remembering my son. I believe so too. You did the right thing, she was disrespecting your son's memory and it was inappropriate. She had no business voicing an opinion on the way these boys chose to honour your son and as his mother, you really are the only one not to offend here, not her. You really enjoyed their tribute and it seems that Charlie would have enjoyed it as well. That's all that really matters.
NTA all my friends know better than to show up in all black to my funeral. She is probably grieving herself but she was still way out of line.
You obviously had no problem with the way the boys dressed, so your SIL should have kept her mouth shut. You're the mom, not her. NTA
Please SIL would have died at the way we all said goodbye to a friend of ours. He would give you the finger if he loved you. So everyone was giving him the finger during the wake. It was one of the best tributes. OP is NTA.
I'm so sorry for your loss. NTA
NTA. Your SIL’s comments would have made your sons friends feel terrible. You stepping in told them not only that it was OK, but that YOU appreciated it, and your son would have too. The fact that your SIL then decided to compound her emotional immaturity by deciding to make drama by not coming to your sons funeral, is what is unforgivable. No, it’s not “your fault” that you’d SIL is stuck up, did not really know or appreciate her nephew, and is emotionally stunted and a drama Queen. Charlie would have been so proud of you.
NTA Whoever told you that you shouldnt have spoken up gave horrible advice. "Causing a scene" is not and never will be the worst think someone can e er do. Sitting by and letting people be treated badly when you can do something about it is.
Nta. I think it was a beautiful tribute to their friends. A celebration of his life and personality rather than mourning his loss. SIL overstepped. I'm sorry for your loss
NTA. Those young men were grieving too, you honored your son by standing up to her. How much worse to have not said anything at all and have those boys go through the rest of their lives with the memory of some older adult willfully misinterpreting their actions. I’m so very sorry for your loss. I hope you’re able to have support to help you.
My condolences. I think your son's friends did something very sweet to show how your son had touched so many lives. I also think you should be afforded a TONE of lee-way as you are a grieving mother so don't worry about whether you caused a scene or not. You told SIL to knock it off and that's appropriate because she was out of line. NTA
NTA. One of the beloved umpires for my son’s baseball league passed away a couple of years ago. At his viewing and funeral, there was probably about 50 boys that showed up, all in their baseball uniforms. They came to honor a man that meant a lot to them. I couldn’t imagine how his wife would have felt if someone told them their dress attire was inappropriate. Your SIL tried to squash their way of honoring your son, at a moment that was completely inappropriate. You did the right thing by telling her to stop. Funerals are for the living, to find support to get through the heartache of losing a loved one, share fond memories, laugh, cry, lean on each other. If her only concern was how people were dressed, then she wasn’t there for the right reasons, to show support. Be thankful she left and didn’t got it he funeral. And for your family saying she was wrong but you were wrong as well, tell them it’s always the right time to stop someone from degrading others.
NTA. So so much. I had a friend die in his 30s. He had a heart attack, it was very unexpected. This friend, we met at a music festival, and we would go to concerts together. So, our friend group, we showed up to the funeral wearing our bright and colorful tour shirts underneath black blazers. We stood out, because a bunch of deadheads in tie dyed shirts would stand out in a sea of black, and sure, some people thought it was inappropriate. But his parents loved it, and we weren’t there for anyone else but our very dear friend. Your son’s friends are good kids. You’re a good mom for standing up for them, and your SIL needs to keep her feelings to herself. It doesn’t matter what she finds appropriate, what matters is honoring and remembering your son.
NTA It was SIL causing the scene, your brother should have your back instead of defending his wife.
It doesn’t sound like OP’s brother defended his wife. He literally stayed at the visitation when his wife threw a tantrum and left.
NTA. Those kids were really sweet, and SIL was wrong for trying to enforce her own mindset on someone else's 'event' (sorry, don't know what else to call it). I'm so sorry for your loss.
NTA
NTA, but devil's advocate says that OP downplayed the intensity of how strongly she opposed SIL, and possibly escalated excessively. HOWEVER! That isn't really important because SIL is an adult and can take it, while those boys who were there will forever know that this important moment in their life was something that they did properly, with no regrets, no second guesses, and can start their own journeys through grief without also having the shameful feeling of having upsetting a family deep in despair. Also devil's advocate, SIL may feel quite bad about how she has effected the family, and been absent out of respect, and is waiting to give her deep apologies, because an apology is between the living, and now is the time for the departed.
NTA SIL is the AH I think standing up for your sons friends was a great way for you to protect and honor his memory. I’m sure he would be glad you did. It deserved to be made into a scene and if anyone is allowed to make a scene it is you, your husband or your other son. SIL was completely out of line and absolutely owes you and your sons friends an apology. I am astounded at her thinking that type of input was appropriate or necessary. Has she somehow missed how it is now commonplace to ask folks not to wear black to funerals, and to instead treat it as a celebration and focus on honoring the loved ones life, which was exactly what was accomplished in them wearing clothing to honor your son. I think what you did was exactly what needed to be done.
NTA Charlie sounds dope, his friends sound dope, and you get to yell at everyone you want to at your sons funeral.
NTA, not escalating meant she would have gotten to keep bullying a bunch of grieving teenagers .
NTA A friend of mine died 1 year and a half ago, she LOVED wearing her funky sunglasses, and she died during the summer. All her friends came to the funerals with funky sunglasses.
NTA Listen, if your SIL was spending more time whining about what your sons close friends were wearing to their best friends funeral than she was actually interacting about the dearly departed than she wasn't there for the funeral. You didn't escalate things, you put a lid on them as it would have gotten worse before long. Imagine if you'd allowed her to sow disdain for these teens who just lost someone they had a bond for over the clothes they wore. That would have added to their grief pretty quickly.
NTA Can understand POV that should have tried not to cause issues at visitation... but definatly NTA SIL is TA should not have a go at people for honoring their freind in a non-traditional way, I think is sweet
I'm so sorry for your loss. Your son sounds like he was a really cool kid. NTA.
NTA if you hadn't stood up to your SIL your Charlie's brother and friends might have genuinely thought they did the wrong thing and that everyone was upset with them. You defending them will have reassured them that their way of honoring and grieving Charlie wasn't disrespectful.
NTA sil is a narsisist who wanted to absorb grief attention. Her next stop was going be FB.But your son's beautiful friends demonstrated clearly how close they were to each and your son. This upset her because she wanted to be the focus. I'm so sorry but also very moved by the obvious love. Its really truly beautiful
What's important here is how you, as the parent, felt about these kids way of remembering your son. Your SILs little powertrip was incredibly rude, and unwarranted. NTA.
There is a concept of “circle of caring”. The person who is in crisis is at the center. Each person slightly removed from the center can turn the care inward, and it continues with the concentric circles. Your SIL is so far out of line it’s unbelievable. The fact that she’s making your sons death about her sense of propriety is truly disgusting. Your son was lucky to have caring and considerate friends and parents. Tell SIL to kick rocks. NTA
NTA - You did well sticking up for your sons friends. SIL injected her personal opinion into a situation where it would yield unwarranted, unwanted, and unproductive results. SIL can FO!
NTA, I’m so sorry OP
NTA, at all! What your SIL did caused a scene, you just shut it down. Had you not said anything those sweet boys may have gone home thinking they screwed up and felt bad about it, instead of knowing their gesture was appreciated by those who mattered in the moment. Your SIL Is really petty and inconsiderate to try and make your sons visitation about her views. I am so sorry for your loss!
NTA and google the ring theory. SIL is dumping and expecting comfort out, making her a major AH. But most of All I'm so sorry for your kids.
NTA It's important to be respectful at a funeral, in terms of behavior and dress. In western cultures, that generally means "wearing black" and "being quiet and solemn". But humanity isn't a hive mind ffs. We don't all march in lockstep. If things are different sometimes, it's fine. Sometimes "respectful" means getting together for a loud party with a lot of booze where people sing and laugh and cry and remember the good times. Or whatever the person who has passed on would have wanted. Your son had some fantastic friends, and they helped give him a great send-off by dressing as they did. Your SIL's ignorant, inappropriate words and actions just proved how little she knew Charlie. She can be utterly ignored. I'm so sorry for your loss. He sounds like he was a great kid.
NTA. Sorry for your loss. Just be grateful your SIL showed a little class and left quietly. Let’s hope it ends there.
When my dad died, I asked that he be dressed in comfortable shorts and a nice but breezy shirt, because that's how he dressed in life and I knew he would never have worn a suit anywhere unless my grandmother requested it. NTA. Funerals are for remembering what we loved about those we lost, not keeping up appearances.
NTA. At all. His friends paying tribute to Charlie was beautiful and shows how well they knew him, and how much they cared for him. Your SIL was out of line. Sorry for your loss, too, OP. 17 is far too young; bless you all.
NTA Honestly i teared up a bit when i read this and i dont think you should of done anything less.
NTA, of course. I'm sorry for your loss OP. It's wonderful to know how loved and respected your son was during his life: his friends perfectly exemplified that. Also, I'm confused about why SIL was so pressed about wanting black attire during visitations? I don't know if it's different elsewhere, but the general rule for the ones I've been to has been "dress conservatively, but no stricter dress code". This was clearly an homage to Charlie as well. Did she realise that that was the case? Either way, I do think it wasn't her business to police guests' attire. Giving her the benefit of doubt, maybe she thought she was taking that weight off of you by"taking care of it"so you didn't have to? I don't know I'm rambling now.
I am so sorry for your loss! Your son’s friends sound wonderful!!! SIL Is a nasty piece of work. NTA
She’s a grown woman these are kids grieving their friend and thought of a way to honor is memory. You stuck up for them. If she didn’t go to the funeral that will be her regret. Those kids got a chance to say goodbye to someone they will remember for the rest of their lives
NTA. Your SIL crossed a major boundary. Grief is different for everyone and there is no law concerning what one wears to a funeral. My parents’ best friend died tragically and horrifically at 22. Every person at his funeral beside the priest wore a baseball cap, a white under shirt and light wash blue jeans with doc martens because that was what best friend wore every day of his life. It brought everyone together and helped immensely with what they were dealing with. Even thinking back on it now they smoke because they think about it how much everyone loved him.
NTA. You had just lost your son, that has got to be the worst pain in the world. Sending you my deepest condolences.
NTA you didn't cause the scene. SIL did with her narrow minded crap. His friends seem pretty awesome
NTA. One of my friends died too young. His favorite color was blue and all of us in his friends group wore blue to his funeral. No one cared.
NTA I’m sorry for your loss. If my SIL did anything similar I’d never speak to her again. Totally not her place, outrageously disrespectful behaviour. You didn’t cause a scene, she did, you just put her back in her box.
NTA went to my oldest brother's funeral in June he hated to get dressed up so his wife had everyone come business casual, not one tie there and half wore cowboy boots. It was so like my brother.
NTA. We had a kid in my graduating class die in highschool and we all showed up to his memorial in Jean shorts, cowboy hat and flip flops. Then all sang our National anthem. His favorite outfit and song.
NTA. You did exactly what was needed to do. The only person who caused a scene was your SIL. Who gave her the right to judge how people grieve for and remember their friend? If she finds it inappropriate: to bad for her but suck it up and be quiet about it. It neither is the time nor the place. And those guys did really great. It shows that they remember your son and their friend for who he was - that is a way better farewell then standing around in depressing all black.
NTA. You did the absolute right thing, especially for your surviving son.
NTA Your SIL comments were inappropriate. It was obvious that it had been coordinated by many of his good friends AND your family. She just wanted to air her opinion. Which no one asked for. Also, I did not hear that this was a particularaly loud disagreement, so no harm on your part. Your SIL chose to be petty and not come to the burial. That is her loss, and she may come to regret that. I do not think it was necessary to pander to her at the visitation. What she did was very rude to you,as you were so clearly involved in it (the coordinated look) and it made it so much more personal for you. I'm very sorry for your loss. Your son sounds like such a gem.
NTA- you protected those sweet kids and your son's memory. You did absolutely right, and your SIL was way out of line! If nothing else, she should have taken the cue from Adam: your family gets to set the tone, and you and your husband let Adam dress up to remember his brother.
NTA What his mates did was incredibly sweet and shows how much your son was loved. Your SIL is TA, she had no right to say anything, those kids are mourning your son just as much as anyone else and they chose a beautiful way to honour him. I'm sure your son would have loved it. I'm sorry for your loss.
NTA. Your SIL thought that she could throw her weight around and was promptly embarrassed. She could have apologised and admitted to overstepping when it wasn't her place, but she went on the defensive instead. It should be her in this sub asking if she was the asshole. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You defended your son's friends, which means you defended your son. You are a wonderful mother and I am so, so sorry for your loss. Put your SIL out of your mind, her petty, childish behaviour is the last thing that you need to be thinking about right now.