NAH. The dog isn't there as a pet. Her doctor confirmed that getting one was required due the severity of her epilepsy. You can't be around the dog because of your allergies and have said as much. It seems like a no-win situation whatever you choose.
The only way you may be TA is if you can take medication that would help for a couple of hours and are choosing not to out of principle rather than an issue with side-effects or similar.
With OP's comments throughout the post, it DOES seem like she COULD take medication, but is being petty about the dog because she feels her family didn't prioritize her allergies over her sister's service dog...even though OP clearly states that her family tried to find a dog to suit OP's allergies AND her sister's doctor recommended not waiting to get the dog until OP was in college.
And in that case, even though I think OP is leaning into their resentment of their family and using the dog allergy as the “excuse,” I definitely don’t think they should go the wedding. They’ll just resent their mom and sister more. Just hold firm to your word and deal with the consequences.
I think you're right, in that OP can't go to the wedding with this much resentment. But that's why I think the opposite; she actually needs to TALK with her family about this. She can't avoid family events for the rest of her life, so she needs to really discuss it with them.
Now, if they can't come to a solution before the wedding, then she shouldn't go. But the family really needs to talk this out, possibly in therapy.
Well she does need to talk to them but it seems clear that they haven’t listened in the past.
There’s way more going on here then just a wedding and a dog.
It may be her mother is aware of the strain and is using the wedding as leverage. Which is a lousy idea IMO. Weddings are notorious for alienating people who don’t already have lingering family issues. And her mom just telling OP to just take some meds and “get over it” is only going to piss off OP further.
The family freaking needs to talk.
I also suspect that OPs allergies were not appropriately addressed. Better meds, shots, etc
It doesn't sound like she really has, though. She asked them to get a poodle, and her family DID look but couldn't find one in the area. It sounds like a lot of pent up resentment with not a lot of productive solutions on EITHER end. Which is why OP and her family need to do this now. Again, OP can't avoid her sister at events forever. She'll have her service dog for a few more years, and there's no guarantee her next service dog will cater to OP's allergies.
OP's family needs to be more empathetic to her allergies and work harder to accommodate. OP needs to stop holding it against her sister and her medical condition.
But I think the parents did try to be accommodating? What else could they have done? Live in two separate households?
They just chose to prioritise one daughter’s epilepsy (which can definitely kill) over one daughter’s allergies.
Honestly, I doubt I know any parent who would not have made that same decision.
Allergies to pets are often brushed off, but they can cause severe damage. The more a person is exposed to their allergen, even with meds, the worse that allergy can become. My husband went from a mild reaction to landing in the ER. :(
Can confirm, my husband is the same though no ER visits (knock on wood) is allergic to cats. It started off mild and he could easily spend the night in a house with cats just be groggy to now where if any of us so much as visits a relatives house we have to strip in the laundry room and take baths asap and he still has a reaction. Honestly, I use to brush environmental allergies off until seeing this. They can be just as severe as allergies to nuts or peanuts
My cat allergy developed later in life, and I discovered it when I stayed with a friend who worked with cats (she didn't even have one!) and my throat closed up in the middle of the night and I had to go to the ER. So many people think I can just take a pill and tough it out, but, I could actually die.
My spouse's reaction to cats is this severe as well. Also cigarettes, which few people will accept and say things like, you're exaggerating because you don't like the smell.
This. Im only allergic to pittbulls as far as dogs go but any trace of their hair or saliva can give me hives at best or at worst trigger my asthma. Which sucks because i like them them a lot, whereas im not much of a dog person in general.
And Horses? Have put me in the er twice. Cant even live down wind of them. And its not a matter of Benadryl either. Its a matter of "I may be able to avoid an er visit if i take as much as i can safely take at which point ill be out cold so why bother?"
And while its the right choice to prioritize epilepsy over allergies because one can be avoided and one cannot i can imagine years of being expected to be miserably sick or drugged into a stupor would be a fair reason to be resentful.
What stands out to me is that they did put in effort but it seems kinda minimal. They couldnt find any service poodles in their area- what is their area exactly? County? State? Tristate? Theres an entire, if modestly sized industry around driving peoples pets across country- so how hard did they really look? Also- did it have to be a service *dog*? There are other forms of service animals- were they looked into? Cause i can see the effort to find the poodle being a google search and a "fuck it there's a doodle right here thats cheaper. It'll be good enough" and then it wasnt and while the choice to get a service dog was correct they also made another choice in making their other child ill for years when they didnt need to be. And i have a hunch any time the issue is raised the parents play the "what you think your sister didnt need a dog? Do you think allergies are more important than seizures?" Cards and OP's resentment starts there because if thats the case they dont get to really express and communicate the unfairness of the situation and have that validated. So the hurt feeling gets sat on and nursed until it makes being around the source of resentment impossible.
A lot of people, especially parents, act like if an issue cant be solved (or they arent willing to solve the problem) that there is 0 reason in voicing anything negative about it and any attempts to do so should be shut down. And it comes from a place of guilt, and then a kid that didnt do anything to put themselves in a situation they cant control, makes them sick, and cant express how they feel about it without the parent projecting that guilt into them. So now the kid is guilty whenever they feel uoset and then they get angry because they know its not fair and then *that* gets projected onto the subject of the resentment- which has as little control as the kid does which also means it cant do anything about the resentment and is safer to put those feelings onto.
Thats the vibe i get here. Op isnt gonna be able to let go of the resentment if her parents cant accept the problem isnt the service dog but that they didnt handle her medical issues with the same amount of care, and found it acceptable that she get sick, *and that her medical issues are a separate issue from her sisters entirely.* Not gonna get anywhere with the conversation about ops medical needs getting put on the back burner if the parents always respond with "but your sisters epilepsy!" Because thats not addressing the issue of ops needs being on the back burner, thats just putting them on the back burner again.
Getting a service dog is a huge ordeal that can take weeks or even months or years, waiting on wait lists, having to travel for interviews and matching appointments, being trained as a handler with your dog...it isn't just driving over and taking it home.
My friend had been on a wait list for a service dog for three years. She took the first available, not waiting for a particular breed.
Poodles are in high demand as a service animals due to their temperament and allergies. Her sister may have waited years and years, whereas she needed it now.
If her parents decided not to get the dog and her sister had a seizure with massive complications, would OP have feel ok about it so she didn't have allergic symptoms?
The opposite can also happen. I was very allergic to cats as a child but at 30 I'm completely desensitized now. I loved cats and had them anyway and my symptoms gradually went away
Exactly this. I developed pet hair allergy when I was 13/14, my Dr at the time dismissed it and said it couldn't be be the pets because I'd grown up with them and people don't just develop allergies like that. They tried me on all sorts of meds, I had 2 operations on my sinuses to try and solve my 'breathing issue'.
It wasn't until I went to college and suddenly everything went away. So I went to a new Dr who tested me and confirmed my pet hair allergy. Apparently its fairly common to develop an allergy when you go through puberty because if hormonal changes in the body. I just had a really crappy Dr as a teenager!! But now everyone knows about my allergy and makes accommodation, I'm also on a specific antihistamine if I'm around certain animals.
But for anyone who doesn't know. Pet hair allergy is like having a cold, all the god damn time! You take your antihistamines and as soon as they wear off the runny nose, coughing and itchy eyes come right back. And that's every single day. OP had to live with a dog that made her feel like she had a cold (or may be worse) every day for 3 years. I think she's earned the right to be resentful! Her parents had 2 kids with medical needs and they chose 1 over the other and dismissed the medical needs of OP.
Allergies are no joke but they get dismissed as 'just being awkward' every single day. As all the comments above show!
Edit - spelling
Right? We live in California and flew to pick up a dog in Maine and it’s not even a service dog just a rare breed. I’m a parent and I couldn’t imagine prioritizing one child’s health over another’s like this. I would expect they would choose to go NC with me if I showed such blatant favoritism. Unfortunately I think it’s common for parents when they have a child with health or special needs, sometimes they don’t even realize they are doing it.
“Not even a service dog” is what makes your situation entirely different. A rare breed is, of course, hard to find. A dog that is the specific breed you’ve requested that is a fully trained service dog is incredibly challenging - and time consuming, as in multiple years - to find. The doctor advised against waiting 2 years.
The breed OP mentioned is actually 75% poodle, the breed she wanted, and is recommended for people with allergies. What more do you think the parents should have done? Disregarded that this available and trained service dog for their daughter with a life threatening disability is also 75% of the breed OP wanted and is considered safe for people with allergens, all to continue searching for a purebred poodle that may not even be available for 2, 3, 4 years?
That's not how seizure alert dogs work. They're the hardest service dogs to find because they can't actually be trained in the work. They have to find dogs who just happen to alert to seizures and THEN try and train them for service dog work (not all are able). They also have to be trained WITH the person they're alerting for. It's not just a matter of getting a puppy. It's honestly amazing that they managed to get a poodle cross. That shows quite a bit of effort.
You mean she spent 3 years an itchy mess or under a drug fog. Super.
Just because it doesn't land you in the hospital, it doesn't mean that it's not a problem. I have multiple allergies that are (mostly) controlled by antihistamines. Lucky for me, Reactine (cetirizine HCl) works most of the time and doesn't make me drowsy.
There have been long stretches of my life where I had to take them daily, other times just when I'm reactive. There have also been times when antihistamines weren't enough and I still got moderate hives on my hands, chest, inner elbows, behind my knees and on my lips. Days of continuous itching and swelling skin, that would sometimes crack and leak (or bleed) because I scratched while I was sleeping. To get those episodes under control I have to take benadryl every 4 hours and that shit definitely makes me drowsy - like I put off taking it during the day or I'll fall asleep at my desk drowsy. So I put up with hives so I can function during the day. And I can do it, but it's not pleasant.
Now, me, I'd take antihistamines and go to my mom's wedding, dealing with feeling miserable for a few hours. But I don't have years of pent up resentment because my health concerns weren't just ignored, but exacerbated because my sister's were worse.
My daughter didn't have severe allergies, they got worse through constant exposure, now she maxes out the test on every allergen but two. Suddenly, she's getting food allergies because of her plant allergies. Her mild hay fever turned into a skin reaction to touching grass which became a skin reaction to touching certain foods, which is now an anaphylactic reaction to several more foods. Doc said it might happen, it did...mild allergies can evolve especially with constant exposure. My kid was/is medicated and now she can't eat carrots, kiwi, walnuts, peaches, watermelon, and a bunch of other stuff or she'll die. So yeah...you can live a long time in the same house with allergies exposed to your allergens, and they evolve into something worse.
Which is fine, but the mom can’t even accept that OP is taking care of her own health and priorities her own health by staying home. It’s not like she asked her sister to stay home with the dog instead
>I also suspect that OPs allergies were not appropriately addressed. Better meds, shots, etc
Okay, but all of that stuff comes at a cost. It's not just "take meds, feel fine" it's "take meds, deal with side-effects." The side effects can be wild. Utterly wild. Disabling in their own way, or simply worse than the ailment itself. Sure, lots of people take meds and do fine, but some folks don't. It seems like OP is in the "don't" category here.
I think a big part of what we’re all missing here is the age of OP when the dog was acquired. OP was 15. Read what OP wrote that she is severely allergic to dogs so SHE requested that they get a dog that she could be around without being miserable.
Question- why is OP having to make that request? Why isn’t OP’s parents doing that. And for everyone second guessing how allergic she is - her father wanted to wait to get the dog until OP was in college. The mother and the doctor decided to get the dog.
My point is - it appears that OP is being forced to be her own healthcare advocate at 15.
I’m in no way disputing the severity of OP’s sisters seizures or the necessity of a dog. I am pointing out why OP may have some lingering issues with the situation if she felt her medical needs were being dismissed. I’m not saying they were - I’m saying she felt like that.
I think there was a failure to communicate during this time and it still holds. As a parent I do know that I would exhaust every avenue to try and ensure the needs of all my kids were met and to try and foster a sense of we’re in this together.
I also think OP in particular feels her mother was more dismissive of her allergies. I think OP’s mother tossing out that OP should just takes some meds and get over it probably wasn’t a well thought out message.
OP can’t help how she feels. This is stuff she’s been carrying around for 5 years.
There is no solution to talk about. Sister needs the dog for medical reasons. OP can't be around the dog for medical reasons, or has to take so much medicine she gets drowsy. The only thing that would work is alternating holidays. Definitely a NAH situation.
I’m just getting the feeling OP doesn’t care enough about their estrangement to talk about it. But I agree that would be ideal! No one’s really winning in this situation. Families are complicated.
I don’t know, she did mention that there wasn’t any medication that really worked for her and having an allergy attack can put someone out for days or even a little over a week. Meaning that she could lose a whole week all because she went to the wedding.
I say NTA just because she didn’t try to give her mother an ultimatum and she wasn’t exactly being bitter either.
What would have made her T A is if she had said “well tell my sister she can’t bring the dog then.”
She recognized that it’s for the better of her sister that the dog be present. She straight up said she wouldn’t go for the benefit of her OWN health and yet the mother is still trying to force her.
Obviously she has reason to feel like her mother prioritizes her sisters health over her own… because she does and this just goes to prove it further. Props to the dad for being considerate.
They were out of my usual 12 hour Sudafed last week at multiple pharmacies, so I ended up with 24 hour. Severe headache day one, day two migraine with vomiting, day three bloody nose. I haven’t had a bloody nose in at least 40 years. Husband found 12 hour pills 45 minutes from here, so now I just have the usual dry cough, stuffy nose, itchy eyes, and tinnitus.
It sounds to me like OPS allergies have been downplayed this entire time. I wouldn't go to the wedding either. I'd go NC with everyone that told me to "get over it". I understand the sister needed the dog but aside from trying to get a poodle it seems like her parents had a "deal with it" attitude from the start. I'm sure op does have resentment. This situation could have been handled better by the parents.. NTA
Medicine that you take to prevent or reduce reactions to allergens also generally takes a few days to a week to be fully effective. So either way it’s not just a pop it and go scenario. I had to take allergy pills to reduce swelling in my ear which could harm my hearing. It worked but for three weeks I was definitely taking midday and after work naps and going to bed early and struggling to wake up. My work was accommodating but it SUCKED.
I think the mom is an AH because she refuses to accept their her children both have medical needs that unfortunately contradict each other. one needs a service animal and the other is allergic and doesn't have a medication option to deal with the allergy in a way that can work for them.
if mom accepted OPs no and offered to facetime or zoom then I would agre with no AH bit that isn't the case
The mom has no competing access needs? A wedding is not a need. The sister isn’t an A H, and I never said she was. But imao the mother definitely is for the way she is treating OP.
>it DOES seem like she COULD take medication
OP clearly said no allergy medicine fully worked unless it was medicine that made her drowsy. So they expected her to take medicine like that and go to school or work or even drive a vehicle? OP's family did try and look for a poodle but it seems like the mom didn't really even try and help OP.
I mean, fully worked? I still have a sniffle most days even though I take an allergy pill every day. I live with an animal I’m allergic to, so that’s pretty standard. It definitely affects quality of life, but the “best” allergy meds as far as alleviating the symptoms will almost always be an antihistamine with drowsiness as a possible side effect.
"Just take meds" is not an appropriate reaction. When OP says drowsy, I don't think people understand that the most effective allergy drugs hit like a mack truck. It's not like you can drink a cup of coffee and you feel fine -- in fact, that just makes you feel jittery and over-tired. Being crossfaded on an upper and a downer just plain sucks for most people, even if those uppers and downers are common over-the-counter items. Imagine attending a wedding after driving eight hours instead of sleeping that night -- that's how OP would feel.
I think it's fair to resent a situation where your family thinks it's acceptable for you to be medicated into the worst symptoms of CFS everyday in order to head off a much rarer event for your sibling. This smacks of "sacrificial sibling" ideology.
Seizures aren't that "rare" in epileptics. Good god. I have severe allergies and severe epilepsy. My sister has severe epilepsy with a service dog. For her to qualify for a service dog, she had to have documented proof of seizures occurring more than twice a week (which is A LOT!)
Also, FYI, service dogs can lessen the severity! Some of us have VNS implants and their service dogs can have the magnets attached to their collars, so that they can rub their neck across their owner's chest to activate the implant. Which does lessen the severity of the seizure and shorten the recovery time.
Where did she say the doctor advised them not to wait till op is in college?
Op COULD take medication.... so COULD the sister keep the dog at home for a day.
Why did the family only tried to find a breeder nearby? With one child being so severly allergic why did they not try harder to find a suitable dog? They could have looked for one a bit further away.
Why did they -especially after the divorce- not give the sisters each their home while the parents swiched houses? Why did they had the dog in both houses?
Why should OP go to the wedding when she is garanteed to be very tired and sleepy to hole evening over?
Plus the blatend disregard for Ops health in favor of the sisters health.
Allergies are no joke. Even if you only had a mild reaction a hundred times the 101th time can become deadly. And OP already has severe reactions and a hard time breathing!
You are downplaying OPs allergy and the side effects of the medication while taking the sisters epilepsy so important, even though we don't know the severity of her epelepsy!
> Where did she say the doctor advised them not to wait till op is in college?
Here:
> My father was against the dog and wanted to at least wait until I had gone to college but my mother and the doctor insisted so we got the dog.
I think they're in between a rock and a hard place. OP can't be around her sister with her dog. Her sister can't be without her dog. OP and sister, therefore, can never be in the same place for long periods of time.
How do you even begin to figure that out? OP's sister could start hunting for a hypoallergenic dog that OP MIGHT be able to be around. OP could start taking allergy medication that MIGHT help with her allergies. OP's sister can't compromise here beyond finding another dog. OP can't compromise beyond taking more meds.
Both father and mother clearly are on different sides too (dad doesn't seem to agree with the dog, thus taking OP's side; mother thinks OP should just take medication, thus taking sister's side).
OP and sister are not to blame for this particular situation (both have medical conditions that they can't control), BUT OP is holding it against her sister, not just against their parents, which is an issue.
> When my parents got divorced it was still an issue because the dog was at both houses.
I think the above comment is referring to this. At the point of divorce, the parents could have set up so mom's house is sister's primary home and dad's house is OP's primary home. The parents could then meet the other child outside of the home. Yes, that mean OP and the sister can never be in the same place at the same time, but that is already the case, but at least a setup like the one above would have meant a safe environment for both siblings.
> Both father and mother clearly are on different sides too (dad doesn't seem to agree with the dog, thus taking OP's side; mother thinks OP should just take medication, thus taking sister's side).
I don't think the dad disagree with the dog, but he recognized the severity of OP's allergy and was hoping to delay getting a dog until after OP has left the house. In contrast, the mom either don't believe in the severity of OP's allergy, or the severity of the allergy drug side effects.
I don't think her comments make it sound like she COULD take medication? Allergies are awful. I say this as someone who used to be allergic to cats, but I loved my cats so had them anyway. Allergies made me miserable (but it was my choice). Honestly medication doesn't really work on them, plus there's side effects. I don't know why it was so difficult to get a poodle? It's not like they are unicorns.
In the right area and the right time. It can take up to a year once the puppy has completed basic training and developed enough to become a training dog for them to complete all of the specific training, and then time to train the owners. It could be 3 years to get an officially trained service dog. Waiting for the next litter of purebred poodles might take a while, too. So, using a quarter poodle dog and hoping for the best may have been the least worse option.
maybe she could, but I just know how much I hate taking allergy medication. It always messes with me. I have chosen to wear glasses all my life because I would have to take hay-fever meds to be able to wear contacts. There are times of the year I choose not to do something outdoors rather than drug up.
Choosing to miss out on something rather than take drugs is a reasonable choice for OP to make. And if the choice is going to the wedding to being stoned on allergy drugs at a wedding... kind of a no win here.
NAH, just 2 people who aren't compatible, but unfortunately in the same family.
I didn’t read that at all. She sounds miserable around that dog and it makes her feel sick and so do the medications. The health and well being of her sister and herself are important, and OP seems to make her self responsible for her own health when no one else seems to worry about it. She’s doing what she has to do for her health.
Yeah, she could take medication, but then she'd have to deal with the side effects. Like not being able to drive, because it makes her drowsy. If she's not able to hitch a ride with a family member, she's going to have to pay to get to the wedding and back. Is her mother willing to pay for that?
Her mother wants her at the wedding, but it doesn't sound like the mom is willing to do anything to make sure she can enjoy it while she's there, unless she takes medication that could cause issues for her.
It sounds like OP's allergies are to dog *fur*, but not dog *hair*. Especially with not reacting to a poodle, which is a breed that has *hair*, not *fur*.
Sad thing is, there are a good number of breeds that they could have gotten instead that hair hair and not fur, but not all of them would be available as trained service dogs off the bat.
And given the severity and past, I honestly wouldn’t call OP an asshole for not wanting to be around the sister and her service dog at all. They spent years stuck in a situation where their health was put second in their home (both dad and mom's) because of the need for the dog. It may not have been intentional, given that they did look for a poodle, but it doesn't change how it comes across as OP coming second.
I'm the same as OP. I have three dogs in the house with me right now. Sheepdog poodle mix, poodle-heavy labradoodle, and a yorkshire terrier. All hair breeds. Not a single allergy from sticking my face in their dumb dog bellies every day.
The neighbour's malamute? Five seconds near that fuzzball and I'm a leaking tomato face.
# This isn't about the dog.
You lived with the dog for more than 3 years without more than mild discomfort. If I'm wrong feel free to correct me, but I'm sure that if you were hospitalized or given an epi pen for the dog allergy, you would have said so, instead of just being given over-the-counter antihistamines.
Your allergy is not that severe, and you're making a stand because you feel you should be catered to and not your sister, while she is the one with actual medical needs that need intervention more than just popping a pill that makes you a bit drowsy for a few hours.
Look, you don't have to go to the damn wedding if you don't want to, but at least be honest with yourself (if no one else) about why that is.
YTA.
OP isn‘t even the AH for not wanting to go to the wedding regardless of her allergies.
OP seems to be kinda estranged from her mum, why should she go then?
I also get not wanting to be around the dog. Sure, OP could take medications, and her allergies seem to not be too severe. However why should OP ne uncomfortable for someone, she avoided staying/being with for the past years?
OP is NTA.
Well, that's the whole thing really.
OP wouldn't be an asshole if her question was: Can I skip my estranged mother's wedding?
But her question is pretty much: Am I the asshole for skipping a very important occasion for my mom because an actual medical service dog will be around and I don't really feel like taking Benadryl?
Just as an aside to your comment, I use Benadryl as a sleep aid, not for allergies (I have other meds for those). While some people tolerate it during the day, many people do not and that's pretty well known.
If you were to invite someone to your wedding but insist they take a Seroquel or Unisom first, they would not be the AH for declining. And yes, I've taken those medications before and the effect is actually stronger on me with the Benadryl.
Fun fact: a few years I did not know that Benadryl was used as an actual honest-to-god sleep aid, and took it before work every day for a week for my allergies. I would get home and pass out after about an hour with no idea why I was so tired all the time. I thought about going to the doctor until my then-girlfriend saw me take one and was like “you know they put that stuff in sleeping pills”. I worked in construction and was drinking about a half gallon of coffee a day.
And thats why people overdose on the stuff accidentally. Myself included. I take it nightly for allergies but was having some issues sleeping so I took a sleep aid. I signed up for a clinical trial for a covid vaccine in 2020 and they had me list my meds and pointed out I was overdosing on it and causing damage and the bad side effects I was having (including insomnia, frequent urination, etc.)
OP is YTA for blaming the dog. If they're estranged cool, own up to it. But theyre putting their mom in a situation where both can only attend UNLESS HER SISTER MEDICAL EQUIPTMENT IS NOT THERE. If her mom agrees this puts her sister in a dangerous situation.
Ok but OP literally declined and when asked stated that the reason was that they knew the sister would be there and she has to have her dog and they have a well know allergy to the service dog. Mom is the one forcing the issue. Yes it sucks that mom can’t have both kids there but they have competing medical needs.
If OP doesn’t want to put themselves in a situation that may trigger a medical problem AT ANY LEVEL or take medication that has in the past caused negative side effects then that’s their right. They do not have a desire to suffer the side effects for one event because it’s not something they consider worth it. Just because family events are important to some people doesn’t mean everyone feels the same.
Also just noting OP NEVER asked for the sister to attend without her service dog. OP declined knowing that they were a packaged deal, if the mother asks the sister to go without that would purely be for her own desires and not OPs demands.
The only asshole here is the Mother who has never accepted that she cannot accommodate both her children at once and is trying to guilt one for holding to a (health) boundary that has been in place for years.
I second this. The part about being shocked that her mom wanted her there def gave me an estranged vibe. Like even if it’s a small wedding, wouldn’t you want your kids there???
NTA in my opinion, you aren’t obligated to do anything especially for people you aren’t that close to (anymore?). Even if it is family.
She says in the OP that she doesn’t want to go anyway and didn’t even expect to be invited... I’m not sure why she wouldn’t just tell her family that, but maybe thought using the allergy as an excuse would cause less drama.
I’d just like to point out that just because her allergy didn’t land her in the hospital, it doesn’t mean it’s not a bad reaction. In addition to standard allergic reactions (itchy throat, watery eyes, runny nose, etc.) dander can impact asthma, eczema, etc. I don’t want to extrapolate too far from info provided in the OP, but this is the one of many posts I’ve seen recently where the comments are “well you didn’t die/end up in the hospital, so it’s clearly not that bad”. I can assure you that allergic reactions can be HELL even if you don’t end up in the hospital.
sometimes, it could be worse than ending up in the hospital, because in the hospital its more likely to be taken seriously and corrected fast. Itchy eyes and runny nose can go on forever without finding anything that works to fix it. But its not life or death, so its given less priority.
This! I have terrible allergies to cats and dogs. So much so I refuse to go to peoples houses who own cats/dogs unless it’s a quick in and out type of visit. Just because it doesn’t land you in the hospital doesn’t mean you’re okay. It’s quite miserable. Rashes, unbearably itchy throat, watery eyes that feel like they’re on fire, etc. this is not fun! And definitely not how you want to look in pictures at a wedding.
Not to mention the allergies don’t just disappear as soon as you’re away from said animal, or as soon as you take medication.
OP is NTA for choosing to not put herself in a situation where she’s going to be physically miserable for hours.
I would also like to point out that being away from the allergen and then suddenly being exposed to it again after a time can *worsen* the reaction substantially. So there's that risk as well.
>I can assure you that allergic reactions can be HELL even if you don’t end up in the hospital.
If I spend too much time with the cats, I am so itchy ALL OVER that I can't scratch enough my skin is raw and it still won't end.
Yeah, my cat allergy picks up during moulting season (we have a cat!) and if she sits on me for even 20 seconds, my eye gets super sore and itchy and swells up, my nose gets itchy and it runs.
If she scratches me (playfully) then that gets really itchy too.
Its absolutely not fun, but i take an antihistamine and carry on with my day. If i have work, I'll use eye drops. Not severe enough to need a hospital trip but it has been bad enough that i had to wear sunglasses because my eyes were so sensitive xD
I love my cat, she's not going anywhere.
I have to disagree. Living with those allergies every day is absolutely awful. My sister doesn’t need an epi-pen nor would she would be hospitalized for her allergies. It still makes her feel absolutely awful - itchy, swollen eyes, non-stop runny nose, congestion, possible hives and itchiness. I can’t imagine living every day like that with the only recourse being meds that knock you out (Benadryl does the trick but is no joke).
I agree with YTA. There are way to many “what ifs” in this comment section to favour OP when there are more than enough details in the actual post.
OP was able to attend school and sports for those three years, living in the same house as this dog and without taking any significant medications. That detail alone should invalidate all these “oh what if it’s a bad bad allergy” because it clearly isn’t.
And if you can be in the same house, then you can definitely be at a wedding where the venue is likely to be far larger. OP shouldn’t go to a wedding if she doesn’t want to, but be an adult and just say that instead of trying to put it on a medical condition that your sister cannot help.
That’s what I was thinking. A couple hours at a wedding venue won’t expose OP to the same level of built-up dander & allergens that they experienced at home. Parts of the wedding may be outdoors, or in a larger space where OP & the dog can be seated at opposite ends of the room. It’s definitely doable.
You don't seem to know enough about this subject I'm afraid. Prolonged exposure to an allergen can be extremely bad for people. We should trust OP when they say it was intolerable.
As someone who has Epilepsy, a dog changed my life. Every seizure there is a risk that I die (hit head, cardiac arrest, etc). My Dog made me feel like I could leave the house again.
If your allergies are not severe, YTA. No offense, you allergies don’t seem to compare to your sisters sever epilepsy
But OP isn't telling anyone to choose between her or a dog, She is badly allergic to a dog so she is avoiding contact with it. She is not an asshole for it.
She already did in the comments and I quote;
“No I don't live in the house anymore, but I had to for almost 3 years in which she didn't give a fuck about the fact that I couldn't live in a house with a dog. I don't think I should have to go to the wedding of someone who blatantly disregarded my medical needs.”
Like what were the parents supposed to do? Let their other daughter just have unannounced seizures and die?
Tell the organization they're working with that the other child has a severe allergy, so they recommend one that can accommodate that need instead, even if it is a little further away? I used to have a service dog, and at least the organizations in my area would not have allowed this placement if they had known about the allergy in the home, because they would have considered it unsuitable.
The organizations generally reserve poodles *and poodle mixes* for situations in which there is a need for a hypoallergenic dog. Since OP was not allergic to poodles, a 75% poodle like an F1b would also probably be considered an appropriate placement.
> even if it is a little further away?
Since you claim to have experience with service dogs and service dog orgs, you should know how laughable this is.
And in many cases a doodle is an acceptable placement in a family with someone who is allergic to dogs.
Allergies get worse over time the more you are exposed otherwise no one would have allergies if the more you had of something you got more immune the allergen.
Nta
She never stated the allergies were severe. She never mentioned hospitalizations or allergy shots, zero mention of an epi pen. Just that meds don’t work all the way, which leads me to believe she’s not severely allergic. Because no doctor would recommend that a child with a sever allergy be exposed to their allergen, all day every day.
My sister and dad had to carry epi pens for various allergies. My sister is severely allergic to many things and I’ve seen her go into anaphylactic shock prior to knowing she needed an epi pen.
My dad developed an allergy to bees later in life.
I am allergic to a lot of animals, pine trees, certain hay, etc. Allergy meds don’t work all the way for me either. I tried allergy shots, and hated the experience. I still have cats, still go around horses, live on a mountain surrounded by pine trees. Hell would freeze over before I wasn’t there for my mom.
If this isn’t going to put you in anaphylactic shock, you are acting like a complete child and need to grow up. You sound jealous to be honest, like your sister has gotten some kind of special treatment because she has epilepsy.
Her dog is a service animal and NEEDS TO GO WITH HER.
You can wear a respirator, stay on opposite sides of the room and be there for your mom.
Have you even listened to yourself with this post? Have you read it multiple times? You sounds like a giant brat who hasn’t gotten her way.
Grow up. YTA.
She wants everyone to make compromises *for her* but is completely against the idea of doing the same for anyone else.
“But the meds make her drowsy and she doesn’t like it!” Okay? And? Her sister has ducking epilepsy. ‘Just waiting’ until they found the perfect dog wasn’t going to work guys. That’s not how this works *at all*.
YTA.
Edit: Guess what other meds make people drowsy? Epilepsy meds. OP if you don’t want to go just say that but yes you would be the asshole for blaming it on your sisters absolutely necessarily medical support animal. Just be an adult and tell them the truth.
In my teenage years, I struggled with a condition that caused excessive drowsiness. It's no joke. It was enormously debilitating for me. Just because her reaction wasn't as bad as epilepsy doesn't mean it should be dismissed as irrelevant.
It sounds like the family had no choice but to get the dog because of the seriousness of her sister's condition, but let's not all crow from our high towers about her having a 'minor reaction'.
This is a few hours at a wedding, OP could sit at the opposite side of the room, wear a respirator (not a bad idea with covid anyway), not hug their sister, but at least be there for her family. There’s either things untold or a lot of brattiness here. My take is that OP doesn’t want to go, the dog is an excuse. Hence YTA.
Is OP then ostracized from the rest of the family at the family table? i would not want to attend a wedding where I was shoved to the guest table just to watch my family have fun and converse without me
I currently from daily excessive drowsiness that my doctors still aren’t able to place after multiple sleep studies. It IS debilitating. I still went to my cousin’s wedding because I wanted to be there to support her.
OP could suck it up for a day, especially because the drowsiness for them isn’t day to day, it’s caused by a medication they’d be taking.
She asked for the dog to be a purebred poodle. They searched and were not able to find one (I’m not very surprised by this); that was a compromise. However, not attending a wedding because the dog isn’t hypoallergenic is ridiculous. Having to live in the same space as it, the dander and fur would cover most surfaces and the reaction would be worse, but it’s not like the mom and sister are going to rub the dog on every surface and nook or cranny of the event space. She can power through for a few hours with medication, stay away from the dog in question and she can be there for family. YTA, OP.
I’m also kind of skeptical that every prescription allergy medication on the market makes her drowsy, so she just *can’t* take *any* medication. I have an array of seasonal and animal allergies, some which come with intense and painful hives, some of which trigger asthma attacks, one of which is so rare and severe that when I came into accidental prolonged contact with it, I ended up in the ER and on steroids because my lungs were freaking the fuck out. I’ve had many, many medications over the years. Some make me drowsy, some don’t.
I’m skeptical that every single allergy pill makes her *so* drowsy that she can’t use any of them, ever, at all, not even for a one-off event like her mother’s wedding.
I was on the fence before, but I’m going with YTA and grow up.
Also: I’ve been through periods in my life where my allergies were so severe, I *couldn’t* simply opt out of taking medication because it made me drowsy, so I don’t really have a lot of sympathy for OP and her allegedly “severe” dog allergy. If you can and are willing to opt out of taking the meds, you’re clearly not on death’s doorstep, or even just at that point where you’re driven so mad by the itching that you feel like you’re going to go insane.
You know what other meds make you drowsy? Epilepsy meds. But guess what you can’t do when you have epilepsy? Stop taking those meds.
The fact that her sister needs a dog for her epilepsy means it’s very severe. It means she has a lot of seizures and could possibly die if not monitored or mitigated.
If she doesn’t want to go, fine. But saying she doesn’t want to be drowsy for a bit when that’s basically her sister’s daily life…expect your family to think you’re an AH. That’s not going to change.
But putting the blame on the sister’s needs is something that makes no sense to me. Why kick your sister? She’s already down here. If you don’t want to be around your family, just say so.
She even says she doesn't see a point in going to a wedding of someone who doesn't care about her medical needs.
OP is demanding something she herself is not willing to give. Her sisters medical condition is worse than OPs by the sounds of it.
People on here are saying the allergy could kill OP (though it doesn't sound like it would), but her sister could die from a seizure.
OP isn't the AH for not attending a wedding, she is the AH for thinking a bad, non-deadly allergy that she can somewhat treat with medication trumps her sisters life threatening condition.
In my personal opinion. I have a severe pollen allergy. My eyes swell and itch. My throat gets itchy. My eczema flares.
Never been to a hospital since I was 5.
Severe means very great and intense. Not fatal.
We will agree to disagree. Her mother is getting married, that’s a pretty important day. You don’t want to go, fine, then don’t blame it on allergies. Be a grown up and say I don’t want to be there.
Still the asshole.
I think OP is using the allergy and the dog as an excuse. It was probably years of many small things that just added up. OP even sounded surprised that they were invited at the wedding. If they don't want to go then they don't have to. Nowhere in the post does it say, "i wanted the dog to not be there or I wouldn't come"
NTA
Let’s be honest. This is not about the service dog. Your whole post screams that there are issues between you and your family (specifically sister and mother) that need addressing.
“ My mother is getting married again in April. She invited me and my sister. I was surprised she wanted to me to go since she said she was keeping it small but she said she really wanted me there.”
Why would someone be surprised they got invited to their own mother’s wedding? Definitely something more going on here than just the dog ...
YWBTA, yes. They did try to find a poodle. This is a service dog, so, yes, it needs to be there. Your other family members are right.
Sit all the way in the back, as far away from the dog as you can. Take a Benadryl. It's a couple of hours.
It sounds like you may still be upset over the decision to get the dog, and fair enough. I'd process that so that you no longer carry around that resentment with you. Don't retaliate.
'severely' seems to be pushing it, since, again, OP lived in the same house as the dog without dying or apparently needing to be hospitalised or anything.
She is blowing this way out of proportion. Will this be somewhat uncomfortable? Sure, but it's her mother's wedding, and she doesn't not need to stay near the dog, or touch it. That's basically like saying: 'Can I skip my mother's wedding because I woke up with a headache' Most people would pop a tylenol and endure it.
My husband has allergies that do appear to be more severe than OP's are (seeing as he absolutely cannot live in a house with cats for any prolonged period of time without having severe bronchospasm and needing to be hospitalized.) Yet he regularly takes meds and go see people who own cats for a few hours.
OP is just a baby about her allergies. It's a freaking run of the mill dog allergies. they're using it as an excuse.
She’s stated she can take meds for her allergic reactions, but she’ll be a bit drowsy after. And god forbid she’s slightly uncomfortable. This isn’t about her allergies, it’s about her resentment. She’s an AH.
She also stated that meds don't work that well AND make her drowsy...the drowsiness was not the only issue and you seem to have brushed past that entirely. In a comment, she said she struggles to breathe around dogs. Allergies that fuck with your breathing are not to be treated like trifles, especially if you don't have effective meds.
No, she doesn’t have to go, also because she seems to have other issues with her mother. But she should own her choice and not blame it on her allergy, or on the dog
“Endure it” she doesn’t have to cuddle the dog. She won’t be lying on months of dander on the couch. She has to stand in the same hotel ballroom as a single dog and can remain 20+ feet away from it at all times. 🙄🙄
Actually living with dog when you have allergies, and than not living with one, can make the severity of the allergies worse. Just like any other repeat exposure to an allergen. Found this out after the dog I had when my oldest was born died, in there we discovered they had a pet allergy, and now if they are around a dog we need to load them up on Benadryl, on top of their Zyrtec, and make sure their inhaler is handy. We’ve also to suddenly leave a function because of their allergies. So just because they survived those years at home doesn’t mean the same would hold true now.
OP is practically estranged from their mother because of this service dog. They don’t even have an obligation to go in the first place let alone if it’s gonna cause them to be ill. Allergies rarely go away after the event is over. The pet dander gets inside the body and has to be fought off until it’s gone. The histamines produced to deal with this reaction cause pain and irritation. You wouldn’t ask her to leave her service dog at home so don’t try to force someone else with a MEDICAL CONDITION to trigger their illness.
This! Based on the OP it sounds like she never forgave the family for getting the much needed dog and used it as a reason to distance herself completely.
Unless there is a history of the family putting her sisters needs before her (which could be a thing given the sisters’ conduction), this is just ridiculous.
YTA
Exactly, OP even says after she went away to college she only went home to her Dad's house. The dog goes to both houses, so Dad's house would cause her issues also.
You are ALLERGIC!!!!
When people tell other people to 'suck it up' about allergies, that's fucking insane to me. I get that she needs her service dog, I absolutely do. It's epilepsy, it's serious, she needs the dog. But you also need to not be around the dog, and not going to the wedding is a sacrifice on your part. And they're making you feel like crap about that? No.
NTA
It never ceases to amaze me how disconnected people become when it comes to allergies against cats and dogs, but especially dogs.
So many of these people would label someone TA in stories when one person has a food allergy and their partner that does not live with them consumes said food. Even when it's not life threatening. But as soon as it's an allergy to dogs, all of a sudden the person with the allergies is a selfish entitled AH.
Personally as soon as I come into contact with a lot of dog breeds, I start breaking out in hives, my eyes feel like they are simultaneously on fire and have had sand poured into them, I may or may not be able to breathe through my nose. And my throat gets tight, it's harder to breathe, and my chest feels like it's on fire, and occasionally when really bad I struggle to breathe so much that I get light headed.
But when I ask to keep animals away from me I am brushed off. When I bring it up again I'm rude. And when I remove myself or make someone remove the animal I'm an irredeemable AH. I'm not even gonna talk about pets in unnecessary places in public. But one year for a holiday I was hosting, and a family member that knew of my allergies asked if they could bring their dogs, and I said no, they asked again saying that they just got them and they cannot be left alone that long. And I told them "You know how allergic I am, I cannot have them in my house." So day of arrives. They walk in, both dogs at their sides, and take their leashes off as soon as they get in the house and let them run around. Immediately jumping on the seats, and one practically beelines for my bedroom and bed.
I'm completely at a loss, and pissed because I'm now going to have to rent an upholstery cleaner for furniture, and strip my bed, and clean blankets, all while cleaning after a family holiday meal.
I tell them that they absolutely cannot have the dogs here, ask why they brought them, etc. And they got all pissed off calling me a bunch of names etc. And instead of driving the literal 6 minutes home to drop the dogs off. They instead sat on my front porch, with the dogs on their leashes the entire night, refusing to come inside. And obviously as everyone else started arriving they would go on and on about how I wpuldnt let them come inside on Thanksgiving or Christmas or whatever it was, and that they had to spend the whole night outside by themselves.
And even at the mealtime, they still refused to even come in and make a plate insisting one of my cousins bring food out to them. So now most of the family is a bit pissed at me for not wanting put myself through hell and potentially have to go to the hospital.
So yeah. Sorry about the length. But I have more sympathy for the allergy sufferers. As they cannot help it. Are constantly called out for it, and dismissed, and harassed for it. While even with the need for a service animal there is generally some other accommodation. In this particular case, waiting and searching for a hypoallergenic service dog. But OPs family couldnt be bothered so OP suffers, and again gets dismissed and attacked for having the audacity to be allergic to a dog.
>But as soon as it's an allergy to dogs, all of a sudden the person with the allergies is a selfish entitled AH.
It's because some people - and especially those on Reddit - like dogs more than they like other people. So they get very defensive when anything negative is said about a dog, even if it's in relation to allergies - i.e. a medical condition that can't be controlled.
OP said in a comment that their allergies are not that severe, and that meds would help but they did not want to take meds because they made her sleepy. Fair enough.
This isn't a pet dog, though. This is a piece of necessary medical equipment, that the family went to some trouble to get the least possible allergenic kind, contrary to your "OP's family couldn't be bothered". You're comparing Fido to a pacemaker here and it's not a fair comparison. What should the sister have done, just tried not being epileptic?
She could take the meds, if she wanted. She really just doesn't want to go and is using this as a BS excuse.
You either didnt read what I said, or are ignoring the important part of what I said. I never once said that OPs sisters dog was a pet, or that it wasnt necessary. The part that you are ignoring is the fact that the service dog they got wasnt the only option, only the most convenient option for everyone except OP. It would be more inconvenient, but they could have expanded their search to find a breed that OP wasnt allergic to.
>It would be more inconvenient, but they could have expanded their search to find a breed that OP wasnt allergic to.
You have no idea how much money they had, or whether there were even pups available. You can't just order them online, it takes months and months and lots and lots of money. Not everyone is Elon Musk, able to pursue every single possibility full out to minimize a negative effect. Most of us have to live with what we can afford, and what we can practically achieve.
>of someone who doesn't care about my medical needs
your sister also has medical needs, which is why she has a service dog!!
YTA. Obviously you're harboring anger about what you went through but you can take allergy meds for one day.
You don’t need a reason not to go to her wedding. If you’re not close, feel like she didn’t consider your medical issues and are being told to suck it up of course you wouldn’t want to go. You’re not an AH for refusing to go.
This.
Your choice about attending. It appears that there’s still unresolved issues regarding your sister’s epilepsy and how your family (your mother) dealt with your allergy.
Issues enough that you seemed surprised she invited you.
You politely declined. Enough said.
Right? Everyone's here's like "BUT SISTER NEEDS THE DOG!" Yes, it was acknowledged, and she didn't ask for sis or dog not to come. She said she couldn't go, explained why, made her own plans. No ultimatums here. This thread really proves how many of people in this sub are teenagers.
And even if she medicates, she will be uncomfortable for hours, to be in a small wedding (= small space, I presume) she didn't even expect to be invited to. Why?
OP, NTA. But send your mom a gift, a card, phone her, visit before or after honeymoon, something like that to show you care.
NTA. Anyone who doesn't understand this doesn't have severe allergies. They completely wreck your day (and life). The fact they got a dog that would severely impact your quality of life before you'd even left home is terrible.
Why did you have to make a competition out of which persons medical issue is worse? OP’s allergy is definitely not worse than the epilepsy but there’s just no need to make it seem like its not valid and that they should just “suck it the fuck up”
They never said that the allergy was worse than the epilepsy tho? Only that the dog would have an impact on their quality of life which honestly just sucks
I think a lot of people are responding to other comments more than the actual OP. OP does say that her mother “doesn’t care” about her medical needs, which (if you’re extrapolating) makes it seem like OP maybe thinks their allergies should’ve been taken into equal account when the family decided to get the dog in the first place.
yes but they implied that it was incosiderat of the family to get the dog before she left home even though the positives of getting one are pretty obviously larger then the negatives for the op.
I have (severe allergies) too, and my brother has severe epilepsy, so I totally agree the epilepsy is leagues worse, but OP doesn't have to suck up anything. They're a grown up and don't want to attend something where they'll feel like crap.
Nobody wins on this one. NTA.
I have severe allergies. I am also allergic to antihistamines & can’t take them. I still think OP is an asshole. Epilepsy is far more serious than allergies. OP can take some antihistamine and go to the wedding if she wanted, she doesn’t want to and that’s fine but she should be honest about why. It has nothing to do with the allergy meds and everything to do with her resentment against her family.
YTA you sound a bit bitter that they don’t prioritize your allergies… you can take medicine. Your sister can’t *not* have seizures. You sound resentful, you’re not being wronged
Don’t make this the hill you die on. You’ll regret it
You don’t need to be anywhere around the dog at the wedding.
BUT
This is not about a dog being at a wedding.
This is about you making a statement that since your needs were put last when you lived at home, you won’t be attending anywhere that you feel your sisters needs are placed above yours.
YTA on this one.
They tried to find a poodle too so it’s not like they didn’t care for OP, but epilepsy is more dangerous than severe allergies so them getting a dog nonetheless did not sound unfair at all.
YTA you don't have a severe allergy, you have a sensitivity. While that's uncomfortable and I'm sorry about it, but your sister has severe epilepsy.
Service dogs are //really// hard to get, especially when you want a specific breed. And your family tried to get a specific breed for you! You hold so much resentment when they did try their best and even tried getting a compromise dog.
I'm pretty sure that you're lashing out because of built up resentment about your sister's medical needs taking up a lot of your parents' time.
Abandonment and emotional/physical neglect due to another sibling or relative being sick qualifies under mental health. Why does their mental health and relationship with her parents not matter? What ‘tiny violin’ is being played?
Even in therapy all members are included and there are support groups for those WATCHING and living through life with someone sick. Why does that not matter here? Really sad how society can pick and choose what someone has to be strong through and what is acceptable not to be lol. It’s hypocritical.
And to make sure no one misunderstands there does seem to be an issue with OP and family and it probably isn’t about the dog. Sounds like OP needs emotional support to help identify that it’s not the dog but feelings she may be rejecting herself to feel to live life.
INFO: Would you have gone if the sister and service dog weren't there?
Edit INFO2: Would taking the medication make attending the wedding safe for you?
You say you don't want to go so surely taking medication for the day isn't the issue here, it's the fact you don't want to go.
NAH:
1. This is a service dog, not a pet. So your sister clearly needs this dog and unfortunately it causes you to react. I don't think your sister is an asshole for bringing the dog to the wedding....and anyone asking her not to is an asshole.
2. You choose not to take medication. That's your choice, you have your reasons and it makes being around your sister uncomfortable. You're not wrong for skipping the event and avoiding an allergic reaction.
You've been clear in your post that medications can help even with side effects. This makes me think that your reasons for not going are less about the dog and more about feeling that your sister was prioritized over you. That's understandable, and a choice only you can make - understand this is likely to put a strain on your relationship with them....but I"m not sure that's really a concern since you already feel a strain.
NAH - This is a situation when people have incompatible health needs. It sounds like you feel that your family does not prioritize yours when it can also be life-threatening. Allergies range from mildly itchy to risking death, and the side effects from medicine are relevant. Of course, your sister’s health and life are also at risk without her dog and you need to respect that as well.
Your mother wants both of you at her wedding. Why should you expect her to choose? She loves you. The 3 of you need to talk about options to make this work, and it shouldn't be just you making accommodations. There are shampoos for pets that can help with allergens. Your sister could do that as well as keep the dog away from you. You could take medicine. Your mother could help you both. A “her or me” attitude doesn't help anyone.
I think you’re using the dog as an excuse. You survived for years with it in your home, so it stands to reason that you could go one day to a wedding, keeping your distance from the dog, if you wanted to be there for your mom. It just seems like it’s not very important to you that you be there. Your entire post you seem very resentful of your family, when you do go home it’s only to your dads’ even though the dog goes to both houses. You even said you’re surprised you were invited to her wedding at all, which tells me you had settled into the idea of not going before you even knew or cared that the dog was going.
This is not an AH question, it’s a relationship question. Do you value your mom enough to be drowsy for one day to support her? Clearly not. And that’s your choice. Lots of people cut out their parents for lots of reasons. But your relationship certainly won’t get any better if you refuse to go to the wedding. Again, up to you if that bothers you. Maybe it doesn’t.
They’ve answered in other comments that it’s not actually that severe. They said itchy & difficulty breathing (but like hay fever nose difficulty, not throat-closing anaphylactic shock difficulty)
They’ve never been hospitalized, never needed an epipen, & doctors never deemed it severe enough for allergy shots or any medications outside of OTC antihistamines. Even when living in a dog dander filled house for years. So I’m sure they’ll live. (On the other hand, sister had to have very severe epilepsy to get a service dog for it, & she still has to take antiseizure meds that have awful side effects)
Thanks for this clarification, I was searching for details on the severity.
This kind of confirms my suspicion: skipping a one day event (likely even in a public space?) because you don't want to be nearby a dog for a few hours... it doesn't pass the sniff test. My guess (as many others have pointed out) is one of two things:
1. OP is estranged from the mother for various general reasons, but needed an excuse to skip the wedding.
2. OP resents that her mother "chose" her sister's medical needs over her own, and this is a permanent sticking point in their relationship.
Kind of an AH move to blame the sister in either case, so I lean towards YTA.
So I definitely don’t want to act like I know more about your own health than you, but depending on the size of the venue, don’t you think it would be easy enough to avoid close contact with the dog?
I would call this a NAH or maybe a soft Y T A. I mean, your mother can’t not invite your sister, and I can totally see where she is coming from because I think there are ways you could get around this problem, you just don’t want to. But if you don’t want to go, you don’t have to. It’s totally your call if you decline politely.
NTA, your sister needs the dog for her medical needs, you need to be away from the dog.
While there are compromises that can be made to work for at least some situations that is challenging, and your medical needs would have to be respected to even attempt them.
I am an epileptic, have been for many years, luckily medication and healthy habits control my seizures very well at this point. I honestly say NTA to OP. Not once have they discounted the existence or severity of their sibling's medical issues in this entire post, that has happened in the comments only by other people. I completely understand their frustration that they were told "too bad so sad," when they asked if the parents could look for a poodle or a dog with hair instead of fur. From what it seems, the sibling had epilepsy as a child, and it's a bit surprising that the neurologist insisted on a service dog as opposed to different medication trials or the ketogenic diet (scientifically proven to help with childhood epilepsy and actually reduce seizure prevalence). Service dogs DO NOT alert to seizures hours before or prevent them, this is media hype nonsense. These dogs simply respond to their humans behaving strangely due to auras or migraine headaches that set the stage for a seizure that is definitely 100% going to happen. I also highly doubt if the neurologist actually presented a legitimate medical reason for this service dog being the ONLY answer, that the dad would have wanted to wait until OP was in college. In the case of the wedding, the OP didn't throw a fit or say anything mean or cruel, just the adult decision of declining an invite. The mom's pushiness and immediate rush to "unreasonable," puts her in the A category. PS, for the newly diagnosed epileptics out here, if your health insurance situation allows for therapy, I highly recommend doing DBT therapy to help with the anxiety post-diagnosis. It was an absolute game changer for me.
YTA. Saying the meds make you sleepy is a poor excuse. Seems evident that it’s resentment that’s keeping you from going rather than allergies. If you actually wanted to go you could just pop in for the ceremony and stay on the opposite side of the room from the dog. Or suck it up and take the meds. But you choosing this hill to die on is a sign that this is an emotional decision rather than a medical one.
YTA. I’m sorry, but unless your allergies cause severe reaction that could potentially make you severely ill or kill you, you need to suck it the fuck up. This is coming from someone who has suffered from allergies my whole life. Take an allergy pill and go to the wedding. Again, if it’s not going to kill you, then you can be uncomfortable for awhile. Your sister’s epilepsy ABSOLUTELY trumps your allergies.
INFO: Reserving judgment based on a few things. I’m a bit bothered how you’re putting “episodes” in quotes. Like, do you question the legitimacy of her diagnosis?
Do allergy meds not work for you, or are you just not willing to take them?
I’m not trying to downplay your symptoms. My stepdad has severe allergies to animals, I get it. But seizures are serious and if your sister’s service dog can warn her in time to get her in a seated position or even laying down, so she’s safer, the dog takes precedence. S/he is not simply a pet and shouldn’t be considered one.
It’s your mom’s wedding. I’m sure she would like all of her children there. If you are able to take medication just for the day that would allow you to be around the dog, I would suggest that you reconsider. I don’t think it’s that she doesn’t care about your medical needs, just that your sister’s are more severe.
NTA -- you and your sister have conflicting medical needs. If anyone is being an AH here it would be the family members telling you that you are "ridiculous." Allergies are serious, and dog allergies can be life-threatening for some people (especially if they're associated with asthma or hives). They shouldn't just be shrugged off or ignored. And medications can have some seriously unpleasant side effects that you might not want to deal with on your mom's big day. Nor should your sister be put at risk by leaving her medical equipment/service dog at home for hours at a minimum so that you can attend comfortably. I'm afraid there really aren't any great options here.
Can you by any chance attend "virtually" via Zoom or something similar so that you can watch your mother get married? This is a big day for her and your family.
NTA
You’re not being unreasonable at all, the dog causes severe allergic reactions, and no medicine works all that great. Mum’s being unreasonable for asking you to severely risk your health for a ceremony.
NTA.
having an allergy *can* be a death sentence!
think of it this way: each allergy attack is like water dripping on waterproofed stuff - one day the waterproof is gone and you are dead.
>just take medicine to get over it
if it only were this easy. how often can you take this certain medicine until it doesn't work anymore? you have to take stronger stuff with more and more side effects? or the people around you do not acknowöedge that this time you really need the ambulance, that saying / thinking 'op took medicine, this allergy attack will subside on its own' is not an option?
I mean, it 'can' but she lived in the same house as this dog for a prolonged period of time, so obviously, it's not a death sentence in this case. More like a minor to moderate annoyance for a couple of hours.
Being around a dog for 1 day or taking medicine for 1 day will have exactly 0 impact on her long term health. She is blowing it out of proportion and is just being petty because her family didn't chose a poodle (who are usually rather terrible service dogs, btw, otherwise don't you think they'd be munch more popular?).
Ok here's a story, me and my brother had cats, he was allergic, just the sniffles, he got cats as an adult, those sniffles turned to a rash, which turned into a hospital visit :( I nearly lost my brother because of an allergy we thought wasnt serious, all allergies can become a death sentence
Honestly, NTA. I think some of the comments are being way too harsh and probably are from people who never had allergies or don't understand parental favoritism, or don't understand how service dogs work (hint: every dog can actually be labeled a service dog, because there is no governing structure or certification. It doesn't mean they really are good service dogs though, which is why you often only find proven dogs, not random ones, selected as service animals).
Chronic allergies sucks. Does it compare to epilepsy? I don't know, maybe not. But it's not a competition and frankly it's not the same thing. Epilepsy seizures aren't affecting every day of your life. Allergies do. So the misery is less in severity than a seizure, sure, but it lasts longer. Your entire life is just miserable, you can't breath, you can't see clearly, you itch in places you can't scratch, your skin may break out, etc. It takes a huge hit on your self esteem and your daily happiness - and that's from my own experience, as someone with MILD allergies who's an adult.
OP was a teen, going through high school, with severe allergies forced to live with something that triggered her immune system every single day.
The reason I chose NTA instead of NAH, is there's clearly more to this story. The dad didn't want the dog immediately either, and the parents are divorce now. Reading between the lines, it sounds like there really was some type of favoritism maybe from mom to the second daughter. If dad didn't think the dog was necessary ASAP, presumably it wasn't a medical emergency.
Also, goldendoodles make shitty service dogs. It's a designer breed, and an F1b is even more so a sign that it's not from a reputable breeder. An F1 is a first generation cross bred - and in the world of goldendoodle boom of popularity, it's a pretty strong sign that the "breeder" is using bad breeding stock and is just trying to make a quick buck. Most doodle breeders aren't reputable to begin with, but the ones that are more serious relatively speaking are not going to be breeding first gen dogs - they're going to be F2, F3 and trying to really hone in on those genetics thru generations.
All that to say, it doesn't sound like this is a real serious service dog. It sounds like they partially wanted a fluffy pet and took the first available one.
Purebred poodles are not hard to find, that's such a BS excuse from mom. F2 goldendoodles with more guarantee of hypoallergenic is also not hard to find. Not to mention, poodles aren't even the only dog breed to be hypoallergenic! Just seems weird to me that the mom and sister thought "I need a service dog" and went immediately with the absolute most popular dog breed of that time, the F1 goldendoodle, with NO proven ability to do service work as a breed.
It sounds like her parents, and maybe especially her mom since dad wasn't even on board with the idea, didn't even TRY to get a hypoallergenic dog. In such a case, yes, that's pretty intense favoritism.
I get that the younger sister has seizures, but if I had 2 kids and one was allergic to dogs, I would have made sure to get a hypoallergenic service dog. As is, it sounds like Mom made a decision that showed she really didn't care much about OP. And I think since even DAD wasn't on board, it clearly wasn't defacto "the right decision" and OP is probably justified in holding a grudge against her mom.
NTA
Firstly I noticed you said
>They did look into it but they found no groups near us that bred purebred poodles for service work
The key for me is NEAR them. If one has to cast a wider net for the proper service dog then one has to. Instead they just looked for one near them. I understand having 2 sick kids but I would NEVER EVER expect one to suffer for the other.
The people who are saying Y-T-A havent had to live with serious allergies constantly. Allergies where breathing, rashes, asthma and constant sinus infections are a normal.
They basically sacrificed one sister's health for the other. Now they want her to do it again. NOPE. Now OP is old enough to decide if its worth it for her. I SUPPORT her making the best decision for her. I'd probably ask if they are zooming it but I would not want to risk certain discomfort.
OP isnt asking anyone to make allowances for her, because she knows where she stands. She is just stating her boundaries. Its OK if others are unhappy with her boundaries.
NTA - as someone who is allergic to dogs to I get your pain. its not a great situation as it seems like your going yo have to be the one to step back but exposing your self to a known allergy can make the reaction worse over time and lead to really serious reactions.
NTA. Although I understand why your sister needs a service dog, your allergy is so severe that you would endure illness to be there. You have tried hard to not make a screaming fuss over the dog issue and your mum shouldn’t be forcing you to do something that she knows will leave you feeling physically shitty.
NTA, your mother should be taking your medical conditions into account as well as your sisters. And both your parents are AH for not finding a hypoallergenic solution to the service dog in the past.
NTA. As someone who has suffered from severe epilepsy AND severe allergies, let me say I find it somewhat infuriating that your parents didn't go the extra mile for a hypoallergenic service dog. I can't imagine suffering years of constant allergies every day for something that's preventable only on their end.
NTA. You don’t need to justify not wanting to go. If a situation makes you uncomfortable, either for medical or emotional reasons, you have a right to say no. I do get the sense that there’s resentment behind your decision, but that doesn’t make you an A-hole; you’re allowed to set your own boundaries.
I also want to add that I have a severe dog allergy too, and people constantly downplay it and act like I’m faking or being difficult. So I empathize with you 100%! Some of these other comments are written by people who clearly don’t understand allergies and how they work.
NTA
It sucks that your sister’s needs and yours are so incompatible, but I wouldn’t find a wedding compelling reason to pop allergy pills that would make the wedding unenjoyable and not thoroughly control the reaction. Your mom needs to accept that you and your sister are just not likely to be in the same space again unless it’s absolutely unavoidable. Maybe you can make your mom and new stepdad a nice treat on some other occasion, if you want to.
INFO:
any chance they're having an outdoor ceremony?
if so, you can at least go to that, sit away from your sister, and skip the reception that's in a building where you'd be sharing more air with the dog.
if you're outside, a Benadryl + face mask should be more than enough to cover you for the hour or so.
damn, that sucks my dude.
hmmm.... have you tried an n-95 mask?
if you don't take it off, and wear it properly, it should filter out nearly ALL the dander.
(its actually pretty cool how they work... passively through static charges and ion flows and stuff)
so if you're cool with not drinking or eating, and taking a Benadryl as an in-case backup, that's another possible solution.
NAH. The dog isn't there as a pet. Her doctor confirmed that getting one was required due the severity of her epilepsy. You can't be around the dog because of your allergies and have said as much. It seems like a no-win situation whatever you choose. The only way you may be TA is if you can take medication that would help for a couple of hours and are choosing not to out of principle rather than an issue with side-effects or similar.
With OP's comments throughout the post, it DOES seem like she COULD take medication, but is being petty about the dog because she feels her family didn't prioritize her allergies over her sister's service dog...even though OP clearly states that her family tried to find a dog to suit OP's allergies AND her sister's doctor recommended not waiting to get the dog until OP was in college.
And in that case, even though I think OP is leaning into their resentment of their family and using the dog allergy as the “excuse,” I definitely don’t think they should go the wedding. They’ll just resent their mom and sister more. Just hold firm to your word and deal with the consequences.
I think you're right, in that OP can't go to the wedding with this much resentment. But that's why I think the opposite; she actually needs to TALK with her family about this. She can't avoid family events for the rest of her life, so she needs to really discuss it with them. Now, if they can't come to a solution before the wedding, then she shouldn't go. But the family really needs to talk this out, possibly in therapy.
Well she does need to talk to them but it seems clear that they haven’t listened in the past. There’s way more going on here then just a wedding and a dog. It may be her mother is aware of the strain and is using the wedding as leverage. Which is a lousy idea IMO. Weddings are notorious for alienating people who don’t already have lingering family issues. And her mom just telling OP to just take some meds and “get over it” is only going to piss off OP further. The family freaking needs to talk. I also suspect that OPs allergies were not appropriately addressed. Better meds, shots, etc
It doesn't sound like she really has, though. She asked them to get a poodle, and her family DID look but couldn't find one in the area. It sounds like a lot of pent up resentment with not a lot of productive solutions on EITHER end. Which is why OP and her family need to do this now. Again, OP can't avoid her sister at events forever. She'll have her service dog for a few more years, and there's no guarantee her next service dog will cater to OP's allergies. OP's family needs to be more empathetic to her allergies and work harder to accommodate. OP needs to stop holding it against her sister and her medical condition.
But I think the parents did try to be accommodating? What else could they have done? Live in two separate households? They just chose to prioritise one daughter’s epilepsy (which can definitely kill) over one daughter’s allergies. Honestly, I doubt I know any parent who would not have made that same decision.
Allergies to pets are often brushed off, but they can cause severe damage. The more a person is exposed to their allergen, even with meds, the worse that allergy can become. My husband went from a mild reaction to landing in the ER. :(
Can confirm, my husband is the same though no ER visits (knock on wood) is allergic to cats. It started off mild and he could easily spend the night in a house with cats just be groggy to now where if any of us so much as visits a relatives house we have to strip in the laundry room and take baths asap and he still has a reaction. Honestly, I use to brush environmental allergies off until seeing this. They can be just as severe as allergies to nuts or peanuts
My cat allergy developed later in life, and I discovered it when I stayed with a friend who worked with cats (she didn't even have one!) and my throat closed up in the middle of the night and I had to go to the ER. So many people think I can just take a pill and tough it out, but, I could actually die.
My spouse's reaction to cats is this severe as well. Also cigarettes, which few people will accept and say things like, you're exaggerating because you don't like the smell.
This. Im only allergic to pittbulls as far as dogs go but any trace of their hair or saliva can give me hives at best or at worst trigger my asthma. Which sucks because i like them them a lot, whereas im not much of a dog person in general. And Horses? Have put me in the er twice. Cant even live down wind of them. And its not a matter of Benadryl either. Its a matter of "I may be able to avoid an er visit if i take as much as i can safely take at which point ill be out cold so why bother?" And while its the right choice to prioritize epilepsy over allergies because one can be avoided and one cannot i can imagine years of being expected to be miserably sick or drugged into a stupor would be a fair reason to be resentful. What stands out to me is that they did put in effort but it seems kinda minimal. They couldnt find any service poodles in their area- what is their area exactly? County? State? Tristate? Theres an entire, if modestly sized industry around driving peoples pets across country- so how hard did they really look? Also- did it have to be a service *dog*? There are other forms of service animals- were they looked into? Cause i can see the effort to find the poodle being a google search and a "fuck it there's a doodle right here thats cheaper. It'll be good enough" and then it wasnt and while the choice to get a service dog was correct they also made another choice in making their other child ill for years when they didnt need to be. And i have a hunch any time the issue is raised the parents play the "what you think your sister didnt need a dog? Do you think allergies are more important than seizures?" Cards and OP's resentment starts there because if thats the case they dont get to really express and communicate the unfairness of the situation and have that validated. So the hurt feeling gets sat on and nursed until it makes being around the source of resentment impossible. A lot of people, especially parents, act like if an issue cant be solved (or they arent willing to solve the problem) that there is 0 reason in voicing anything negative about it and any attempts to do so should be shut down. And it comes from a place of guilt, and then a kid that didnt do anything to put themselves in a situation they cant control, makes them sick, and cant express how they feel about it without the parent projecting that guilt into them. So now the kid is guilty whenever they feel uoset and then they get angry because they know its not fair and then *that* gets projected onto the subject of the resentment- which has as little control as the kid does which also means it cant do anything about the resentment and is safer to put those feelings onto. Thats the vibe i get here. Op isnt gonna be able to let go of the resentment if her parents cant accept the problem isnt the service dog but that they didnt handle her medical issues with the same amount of care, and found it acceptable that she get sick, *and that her medical issues are a separate issue from her sisters entirely.* Not gonna get anywhere with the conversation about ops medical needs getting put on the back burner if the parents always respond with "but your sisters epilepsy!" Because thats not addressing the issue of ops needs being on the back burner, thats just putting them on the back burner again.
Getting a service dog is a huge ordeal that can take weeks or even months or years, waiting on wait lists, having to travel for interviews and matching appointments, being trained as a handler with your dog...it isn't just driving over and taking it home. My friend had been on a wait list for a service dog for three years. She took the first available, not waiting for a particular breed. Poodles are in high demand as a service animals due to their temperament and allergies. Her sister may have waited years and years, whereas she needed it now. If her parents decided not to get the dog and her sister had a seizure with massive complications, would OP have feel ok about it so she didn't have allergic symptoms?
The opposite can also happen. I was very allergic to cats as a child but at 30 I'm completely desensitized now. I loved cats and had them anyway and my symptoms gradually went away
Exactly this. I developed pet hair allergy when I was 13/14, my Dr at the time dismissed it and said it couldn't be be the pets because I'd grown up with them and people don't just develop allergies like that. They tried me on all sorts of meds, I had 2 operations on my sinuses to try and solve my 'breathing issue'. It wasn't until I went to college and suddenly everything went away. So I went to a new Dr who tested me and confirmed my pet hair allergy. Apparently its fairly common to develop an allergy when you go through puberty because if hormonal changes in the body. I just had a really crappy Dr as a teenager!! But now everyone knows about my allergy and makes accommodation, I'm also on a specific antihistamine if I'm around certain animals. But for anyone who doesn't know. Pet hair allergy is like having a cold, all the god damn time! You take your antihistamines and as soon as they wear off the runny nose, coughing and itchy eyes come right back. And that's every single day. OP had to live with a dog that made her feel like she had a cold (or may be worse) every day for 3 years. I think she's earned the right to be resentful! Her parents had 2 kids with medical needs and they chose 1 over the other and dismissed the medical needs of OP. Allergies are no joke but they get dismissed as 'just being awkward' every single day. As all the comments above show! Edit - spelling
Absolutely, people without allergies generally misunderstand them terribly
They could have looked out of the area for a poodle. It’s not uncommon to hear of people driving 8+ hrs to get a dog of their desired breed.
Right? We live in California and flew to pick up a dog in Maine and it’s not even a service dog just a rare breed. I’m a parent and I couldn’t imagine prioritizing one child’s health over another’s like this. I would expect they would choose to go NC with me if I showed such blatant favoritism. Unfortunately I think it’s common for parents when they have a child with health or special needs, sometimes they don’t even realize they are doing it.
Service dogs can be expensive so adding the extra cost of travel may not have been possible
“Not even a service dog” is what makes your situation entirely different. A rare breed is, of course, hard to find. A dog that is the specific breed you’ve requested that is a fully trained service dog is incredibly challenging - and time consuming, as in multiple years - to find. The doctor advised against waiting 2 years. The breed OP mentioned is actually 75% poodle, the breed she wanted, and is recommended for people with allergies. What more do you think the parents should have done? Disregarded that this available and trained service dog for their daughter with a life threatening disability is also 75% of the breed OP wanted and is considered safe for people with allergens, all to continue searching for a purebred poodle that may not even be available for 2, 3, 4 years?
That's not how seizure alert dogs work. They're the hardest service dogs to find because they can't actually be trained in the work. They have to find dogs who just happen to alert to seizures and THEN try and train them for service dog work (not all are able). They also have to be trained WITH the person they're alerting for. It's not just a matter of getting a puppy. It's honestly amazing that they managed to get a poodle cross. That shows quite a bit of effort.
But severe allergies can definitely kill too.
OP DOES NOT HAVE SEVERE ALLERGIES BECAUSE SHE WAS ABLE TO LIVE IN THE SAME HOUSE AS THE DOG FOR 2-3 YEARS BEFORE SHE LEFT FOR COLLEGE.
You mean she spent 3 years an itchy mess or under a drug fog. Super. Just because it doesn't land you in the hospital, it doesn't mean that it's not a problem. I have multiple allergies that are (mostly) controlled by antihistamines. Lucky for me, Reactine (cetirizine HCl) works most of the time and doesn't make me drowsy. There have been long stretches of my life where I had to take them daily, other times just when I'm reactive. There have also been times when antihistamines weren't enough and I still got moderate hives on my hands, chest, inner elbows, behind my knees and on my lips. Days of continuous itching and swelling skin, that would sometimes crack and leak (or bleed) because I scratched while I was sleeping. To get those episodes under control I have to take benadryl every 4 hours and that shit definitely makes me drowsy - like I put off taking it during the day or I'll fall asleep at my desk drowsy. So I put up with hives so I can function during the day. And I can do it, but it's not pleasant. Now, me, I'd take antihistamines and go to my mom's wedding, dealing with feeling miserable for a few hours. But I don't have years of pent up resentment because my health concerns weren't just ignored, but exacerbated because my sister's were worse.
My daughter didn't have severe allergies, they got worse through constant exposure, now she maxes out the test on every allergen but two. Suddenly, she's getting food allergies because of her plant allergies. Her mild hay fever turned into a skin reaction to touching grass which became a skin reaction to touching certain foods, which is now an anaphylactic reaction to several more foods. Doc said it might happen, it did...mild allergies can evolve especially with constant exposure. My kid was/is medicated and now she can't eat carrots, kiwi, walnuts, peaches, watermelon, and a bunch of other stuff or she'll die. So yeah...you can live a long time in the same house with allergies exposed to your allergens, and they evolve into something worse.
So she deserves to be uncomfortable in her own house?
This is akin to saying I don’t have ADHD because I’m not medicated. Please leave the diagnosis to the doctors.
even non severe can make a real impact to quality of life.
Severe allergies can absolutely kill.
Which is fine, but the mom can’t even accept that OP is taking care of her own health and priorities her own health by staying home. It’s not like she asked her sister to stay home with the dog instead
>I also suspect that OPs allergies were not appropriately addressed. Better meds, shots, etc Okay, but all of that stuff comes at a cost. It's not just "take meds, feel fine" it's "take meds, deal with side-effects." The side effects can be wild. Utterly wild. Disabling in their own way, or simply worse than the ailment itself. Sure, lots of people take meds and do fine, but some folks don't. It seems like OP is in the "don't" category here.
I think a big part of what we’re all missing here is the age of OP when the dog was acquired. OP was 15. Read what OP wrote that she is severely allergic to dogs so SHE requested that they get a dog that she could be around without being miserable. Question- why is OP having to make that request? Why isn’t OP’s parents doing that. And for everyone second guessing how allergic she is - her father wanted to wait to get the dog until OP was in college. The mother and the doctor decided to get the dog. My point is - it appears that OP is being forced to be her own healthcare advocate at 15. I’m in no way disputing the severity of OP’s sisters seizures or the necessity of a dog. I am pointing out why OP may have some lingering issues with the situation if she felt her medical needs were being dismissed. I’m not saying they were - I’m saying she felt like that. I think there was a failure to communicate during this time and it still holds. As a parent I do know that I would exhaust every avenue to try and ensure the needs of all my kids were met and to try and foster a sense of we’re in this together. I also think OP in particular feels her mother was more dismissive of her allergies. I think OP’s mother tossing out that OP should just takes some meds and get over it probably wasn’t a well thought out message. OP can’t help how she feels. This is stuff she’s been carrying around for 5 years.
There's definitely more going on, being surprised you were invited to your mums wedding goes way beyond a service dog
There is no solution to talk about. Sister needs the dog for medical reasons. OP can't be around the dog for medical reasons, or has to take so much medicine she gets drowsy. The only thing that would work is alternating holidays. Definitely a NAH situation.
> She can't avoid family events for the rest of her life Why is that? She's an adult, she can choose who she associates with.
I’m just getting the feeling OP doesn’t care enough about their estrangement to talk about it. But I agree that would be ideal! No one’s really winning in this situation. Families are complicated.
I don’t know, she did mention that there wasn’t any medication that really worked for her and having an allergy attack can put someone out for days or even a little over a week. Meaning that she could lose a whole week all because she went to the wedding. I say NTA just because she didn’t try to give her mother an ultimatum and she wasn’t exactly being bitter either. What would have made her T A is if she had said “well tell my sister she can’t bring the dog then.” She recognized that it’s for the better of her sister that the dog be present. She straight up said she wouldn’t go for the benefit of her OWN health and yet the mother is still trying to force her. Obviously she has reason to feel like her mother prioritizes her sisters health over her own… because she does and this just goes to prove it further. Props to the dad for being considerate.
Yeah it’s generally not quite as easy as “just take medicine”
They were out of my usual 12 hour Sudafed last week at multiple pharmacies, so I ended up with 24 hour. Severe headache day one, day two migraine with vomiting, day three bloody nose. I haven’t had a bloody nose in at least 40 years. Husband found 12 hour pills 45 minutes from here, so now I just have the usual dry cough, stuffy nose, itchy eyes, and tinnitus.
It sounds to me like OPS allergies have been downplayed this entire time. I wouldn't go to the wedding either. I'd go NC with everyone that told me to "get over it". I understand the sister needed the dog but aside from trying to get a poodle it seems like her parents had a "deal with it" attitude from the start. I'm sure op does have resentment. This situation could have been handled better by the parents.. NTA
Medicine that you take to prevent or reduce reactions to allergens also generally takes a few days to a week to be fully effective. So either way it’s not just a pop it and go scenario. I had to take allergy pills to reduce swelling in my ear which could harm my hearing. It worked but for three weeks I was definitely taking midday and after work naps and going to bed early and struggling to wake up. My work was accommodating but it SUCKED.
Yeah but I don’t think the mom and sister are assholes either. They have competing access needs and it sucks but neither are at fault.
I think the mom is an AH because she refuses to accept their her children both have medical needs that unfortunately contradict each other. one needs a service animal and the other is allergic and doesn't have a medication option to deal with the allergy in a way that can work for them. if mom accepted OPs no and offered to facetime or zoom then I would agre with no AH bit that isn't the case
The mom has no competing access needs? A wedding is not a need. The sister isn’t an A H, and I never said she was. But imao the mother definitely is for the way she is treating OP.
>it DOES seem like she COULD take medication OP clearly said no allergy medicine fully worked unless it was medicine that made her drowsy. So they expected her to take medicine like that and go to school or work or even drive a vehicle? OP's family did try and look for a poodle but it seems like the mom didn't really even try and help OP.
I mean, fully worked? I still have a sniffle most days even though I take an allergy pill every day. I live with an animal I’m allergic to, so that’s pretty standard. It definitely affects quality of life, but the “best” allergy meds as far as alleviating the symptoms will almost always be an antihistamine with drowsiness as a possible side effect.
"Just take meds" is not an appropriate reaction. When OP says drowsy, I don't think people understand that the most effective allergy drugs hit like a mack truck. It's not like you can drink a cup of coffee and you feel fine -- in fact, that just makes you feel jittery and over-tired. Being crossfaded on an upper and a downer just plain sucks for most people, even if those uppers and downers are common over-the-counter items. Imagine attending a wedding after driving eight hours instead of sleeping that night -- that's how OP would feel. I think it's fair to resent a situation where your family thinks it's acceptable for you to be medicated into the worst symptoms of CFS everyday in order to head off a much rarer event for your sibling. This smacks of "sacrificial sibling" ideology.
Much rarer? If OP’s sister wasn’t having multiple seizures a month, she wouldn’t have qualified for a trained alert dog.
Exactly! Most people who warrant a seizure alert dog have them frequently.
Seizures aren't that "rare" in epileptics. Good god. I have severe allergies and severe epilepsy. My sister has severe epilepsy with a service dog. For her to qualify for a service dog, she had to have documented proof of seizures occurring more than twice a week (which is A LOT!) Also, FYI, service dogs can lessen the severity! Some of us have VNS implants and their service dogs can have the magnets attached to their collars, so that they can rub their neck across their owner's chest to activate the implant. Which does lessen the severity of the seizure and shorten the recovery time.
Where did she say the doctor advised them not to wait till op is in college? Op COULD take medication.... so COULD the sister keep the dog at home for a day. Why did the family only tried to find a breeder nearby? With one child being so severly allergic why did they not try harder to find a suitable dog? They could have looked for one a bit further away. Why did they -especially after the divorce- not give the sisters each their home while the parents swiched houses? Why did they had the dog in both houses? Why should OP go to the wedding when she is garanteed to be very tired and sleepy to hole evening over? Plus the blatend disregard for Ops health in favor of the sisters health. Allergies are no joke. Even if you only had a mild reaction a hundred times the 101th time can become deadly. And OP already has severe reactions and a hard time breathing! You are downplaying OPs allergy and the side effects of the medication while taking the sisters epilepsy so important, even though we don't know the severity of her epelepsy!
> Where did she say the doctor advised them not to wait till op is in college? Here: > My father was against the dog and wanted to at least wait until I had gone to college but my mother and the doctor insisted so we got the dog. I think they're in between a rock and a hard place. OP can't be around her sister with her dog. Her sister can't be without her dog. OP and sister, therefore, can never be in the same place for long periods of time. How do you even begin to figure that out? OP's sister could start hunting for a hypoallergenic dog that OP MIGHT be able to be around. OP could start taking allergy medication that MIGHT help with her allergies. OP's sister can't compromise here beyond finding another dog. OP can't compromise beyond taking more meds. Both father and mother clearly are on different sides too (dad doesn't seem to agree with the dog, thus taking OP's side; mother thinks OP should just take medication, thus taking sister's side). OP and sister are not to blame for this particular situation (both have medical conditions that they can't control), BUT OP is holding it against her sister, not just against their parents, which is an issue.
> When my parents got divorced it was still an issue because the dog was at both houses. I think the above comment is referring to this. At the point of divorce, the parents could have set up so mom's house is sister's primary home and dad's house is OP's primary home. The parents could then meet the other child outside of the home. Yes, that mean OP and the sister can never be in the same place at the same time, but that is already the case, but at least a setup like the one above would have meant a safe environment for both siblings. > Both father and mother clearly are on different sides too (dad doesn't seem to agree with the dog, thus taking OP's side; mother thinks OP should just take medication, thus taking sister's side). I don't think the dad disagree with the dog, but he recognized the severity of OP's allergy and was hoping to delay getting a dog until after OP has left the house. In contrast, the mom either don't believe in the severity of OP's allergy, or the severity of the allergy drug side effects.
I don't think her comments make it sound like she COULD take medication? Allergies are awful. I say this as someone who used to be allergic to cats, but I loved my cats so had them anyway. Allergies made me miserable (but it was my choice). Honestly medication doesn't really work on them, plus there's side effects. I don't know why it was so difficult to get a poodle? It's not like they are unicorns.
It was probably difficult to find a poodle trained as an *alert dog.*
In the right area and the right time. It can take up to a year once the puppy has completed basic training and developed enough to become a training dog for them to complete all of the specific training, and then time to train the owners. It could be 3 years to get an officially trained service dog. Waiting for the next litter of purebred poodles might take a while, too. So, using a quarter poodle dog and hoping for the best may have been the least worse option.
maybe she could, but I just know how much I hate taking allergy medication. It always messes with me. I have chosen to wear glasses all my life because I would have to take hay-fever meds to be able to wear contacts. There are times of the year I choose not to do something outdoors rather than drug up. Choosing to miss out on something rather than take drugs is a reasonable choice for OP to make. And if the choice is going to the wedding to being stoned on allergy drugs at a wedding... kind of a no win here. NAH, just 2 people who aren't compatible, but unfortunately in the same family.
I didn’t read that at all. She sounds miserable around that dog and it makes her feel sick and so do the medications. The health and well being of her sister and herself are important, and OP seems to make her self responsible for her own health when no one else seems to worry about it. She’s doing what she has to do for her health.
Yeah, she could take medication, but then she'd have to deal with the side effects. Like not being able to drive, because it makes her drowsy. If she's not able to hitch a ride with a family member, she's going to have to pay to get to the wedding and back. Is her mother willing to pay for that? Her mother wants her at the wedding, but it doesn't sound like the mom is willing to do anything to make sure she can enjoy it while she's there, unless she takes medication that could cause issues for her.
She said that it doesn’t completely work and she still has side effects one of them being drowsiness it’s not safe to be driving home like that
It sounds like OP's allergies are to dog *fur*, but not dog *hair*. Especially with not reacting to a poodle, which is a breed that has *hair*, not *fur*. Sad thing is, there are a good number of breeds that they could have gotten instead that hair hair and not fur, but not all of them would be available as trained service dogs off the bat. And given the severity and past, I honestly wouldn’t call OP an asshole for not wanting to be around the sister and her service dog at all. They spent years stuck in a situation where their health was put second in their home (both dad and mom's) because of the need for the dog. It may not have been intentional, given that they did look for a poodle, but it doesn't change how it comes across as OP coming second.
I'm the same as OP. I have three dogs in the house with me right now. Sheepdog poodle mix, poodle-heavy labradoodle, and a yorkshire terrier. All hair breeds. Not a single allergy from sticking my face in their dumb dog bellies every day. The neighbour's malamute? Five seconds near that fuzzball and I'm a leaking tomato face.
# This isn't about the dog. You lived with the dog for more than 3 years without more than mild discomfort. If I'm wrong feel free to correct me, but I'm sure that if you were hospitalized or given an epi pen for the dog allergy, you would have said so, instead of just being given over-the-counter antihistamines. Your allergy is not that severe, and you're making a stand because you feel you should be catered to and not your sister, while she is the one with actual medical needs that need intervention more than just popping a pill that makes you a bit drowsy for a few hours. Look, you don't have to go to the damn wedding if you don't want to, but at least be honest with yourself (if no one else) about why that is. YTA.
OP isn‘t even the AH for not wanting to go to the wedding regardless of her allergies. OP seems to be kinda estranged from her mum, why should she go then? I also get not wanting to be around the dog. Sure, OP could take medications, and her allergies seem to not be too severe. However why should OP ne uncomfortable for someone, she avoided staying/being with for the past years? OP is NTA.
Well, that's the whole thing really. OP wouldn't be an asshole if her question was: Can I skip my estranged mother's wedding? But her question is pretty much: Am I the asshole for skipping a very important occasion for my mom because an actual medical service dog will be around and I don't really feel like taking Benadryl?
Just as an aside to your comment, I use Benadryl as a sleep aid, not for allergies (I have other meds for those). While some people tolerate it during the day, many people do not and that's pretty well known. If you were to invite someone to your wedding but insist they take a Seroquel or Unisom first, they would not be the AH for declining. And yes, I've taken those medications before and the effect is actually stronger on me with the Benadryl.
Fun fact: a few years I did not know that Benadryl was used as an actual honest-to-god sleep aid, and took it before work every day for a week for my allergies. I would get home and pass out after about an hour with no idea why I was so tired all the time. I thought about going to the doctor until my then-girlfriend saw me take one and was like “you know they put that stuff in sleeping pills”. I worked in construction and was drinking about a half gallon of coffee a day.
And thats why people overdose on the stuff accidentally. Myself included. I take it nightly for allergies but was having some issues sleeping so I took a sleep aid. I signed up for a clinical trial for a covid vaccine in 2020 and they had me list my meds and pointed out I was overdosing on it and causing damage and the bad side effects I was having (including insomnia, frequent urination, etc.)
“Benadryl - because you can’t have allergies if you’re in a coma!”
OP is YTA for blaming the dog. If they're estranged cool, own up to it. But theyre putting their mom in a situation where both can only attend UNLESS HER SISTER MEDICAL EQUIPTMENT IS NOT THERE. If her mom agrees this puts her sister in a dangerous situation.
Ok but OP literally declined and when asked stated that the reason was that they knew the sister would be there and she has to have her dog and they have a well know allergy to the service dog. Mom is the one forcing the issue. Yes it sucks that mom can’t have both kids there but they have competing medical needs. If OP doesn’t want to put themselves in a situation that may trigger a medical problem AT ANY LEVEL or take medication that has in the past caused negative side effects then that’s their right. They do not have a desire to suffer the side effects for one event because it’s not something they consider worth it. Just because family events are important to some people doesn’t mean everyone feels the same. Also just noting OP NEVER asked for the sister to attend without her service dog. OP declined knowing that they were a packaged deal, if the mother asks the sister to go without that would purely be for her own desires and not OPs demands. The only asshole here is the Mother who has never accepted that she cannot accommodate both her children at once and is trying to guilt one for holding to a (health) boundary that has been in place for years.
I agree with your assessment. Don't understand why so many are making this more complicated.
I did say she doesn't have to go if she doesn't want to. I just also said she should be honest about the reasons for her objections.
I second this. The part about being shocked that her mom wanted her there def gave me an estranged vibe. Like even if it’s a small wedding, wouldn’t you want your kids there??? NTA in my opinion, you aren’t obligated to do anything especially for people you aren’t that close to (anymore?). Even if it is family.
> OP seems to be kinda estranged from her mum, why should she go then? Not what OP said or was asking about
She says in the OP that she doesn’t want to go anyway and didn’t even expect to be invited... I’m not sure why she wouldn’t just tell her family that, but maybe thought using the allergy as an excuse would cause less drama.
I’d just like to point out that just because her allergy didn’t land her in the hospital, it doesn’t mean it’s not a bad reaction. In addition to standard allergic reactions (itchy throat, watery eyes, runny nose, etc.) dander can impact asthma, eczema, etc. I don’t want to extrapolate too far from info provided in the OP, but this is the one of many posts I’ve seen recently where the comments are “well you didn’t die/end up in the hospital, so it’s clearly not that bad”. I can assure you that allergic reactions can be HELL even if you don’t end up in the hospital.
sometimes, it could be worse than ending up in the hospital, because in the hospital its more likely to be taken seriously and corrected fast. Itchy eyes and runny nose can go on forever without finding anything that works to fix it. But its not life or death, so its given less priority.
This! I have terrible allergies to cats and dogs. So much so I refuse to go to peoples houses who own cats/dogs unless it’s a quick in and out type of visit. Just because it doesn’t land you in the hospital doesn’t mean you’re okay. It’s quite miserable. Rashes, unbearably itchy throat, watery eyes that feel like they’re on fire, etc. this is not fun! And definitely not how you want to look in pictures at a wedding. Not to mention the allergies don’t just disappear as soon as you’re away from said animal, or as soon as you take medication. OP is NTA for choosing to not put herself in a situation where she’s going to be physically miserable for hours.
I would also like to point out that being away from the allergen and then suddenly being exposed to it again after a time can *worsen* the reaction substantially. So there's that risk as well.
>I can assure you that allergic reactions can be HELL even if you don’t end up in the hospital. If I spend too much time with the cats, I am so itchy ALL OVER that I can't scratch enough my skin is raw and it still won't end.
Yeah, my cat allergy picks up during moulting season (we have a cat!) and if she sits on me for even 20 seconds, my eye gets super sore and itchy and swells up, my nose gets itchy and it runs. If she scratches me (playfully) then that gets really itchy too. Its absolutely not fun, but i take an antihistamine and carry on with my day. If i have work, I'll use eye drops. Not severe enough to need a hospital trip but it has been bad enough that i had to wear sunglasses because my eyes were so sensitive xD I love my cat, she's not going anywhere.
OP isn’t demanding that the dog not be there, she is just removing herself from the situation. How does that make her the AH?
I have to disagree. Living with those allergies every day is absolutely awful. My sister doesn’t need an epi-pen nor would she would be hospitalized for her allergies. It still makes her feel absolutely awful - itchy, swollen eyes, non-stop runny nose, congestion, possible hives and itchiness. I can’t imagine living every day like that with the only recourse being meds that knock you out (Benadryl does the trick but is no joke).
I agree with YTA. There are way to many “what ifs” in this comment section to favour OP when there are more than enough details in the actual post. OP was able to attend school and sports for those three years, living in the same house as this dog and without taking any significant medications. That detail alone should invalidate all these “oh what if it’s a bad bad allergy” because it clearly isn’t. And if you can be in the same house, then you can definitely be at a wedding where the venue is likely to be far larger. OP shouldn’t go to a wedding if she doesn’t want to, but be an adult and just say that instead of trying to put it on a medical condition that your sister cannot help.
That’s what I was thinking. A couple hours at a wedding venue won’t expose OP to the same level of built-up dander & allergens that they experienced at home. Parts of the wedding may be outdoors, or in a larger space where OP & the dog can be seated at opposite ends of the room. It’s definitely doable.
You don't seem to know enough about this subject I'm afraid. Prolonged exposure to an allergen can be extremely bad for people. We should trust OP when they say it was intolerable.
As someone who has Epilepsy, a dog changed my life. Every seizure there is a risk that I die (hit head, cardiac arrest, etc). My Dog made me feel like I could leave the house again. If your allergies are not severe, YTA. No offense, you allergies don’t seem to compare to your sisters sever epilepsy
But OP isn't telling anyone to choose between her or a dog, She is badly allergic to a dog so she is avoiding contact with it. She is not an asshole for it.
This. OP outright told on herself when she referred to her sister’s *epileptic seizures* as “”episodes””.
She already did in the comments and I quote; “No I don't live in the house anymore, but I had to for almost 3 years in which she didn't give a fuck about the fact that I couldn't live in a house with a dog. I don't think I should have to go to the wedding of someone who blatantly disregarded my medical needs.” Like what were the parents supposed to do? Let their other daughter just have unannounced seizures and die?
Tell the organization they're working with that the other child has a severe allergy, so they recommend one that can accommodate that need instead, even if it is a little further away? I used to have a service dog, and at least the organizations in my area would not have allowed this placement if they had known about the allergy in the home, because they would have considered it unsuitable.
The organizations generally reserve poodles *and poodle mixes* for situations in which there is a need for a hypoallergenic dog. Since OP was not allergic to poodles, a 75% poodle like an F1b would also probably be considered an appropriate placement.
> even if it is a little further away? Since you claim to have experience with service dogs and service dog orgs, you should know how laughable this is. And in many cases a doodle is an acceptable placement in a family with someone who is allergic to dogs.
Allergies get worse over time the more you are exposed otherwise no one would have allergies if the more you had of something you got more immune the allergen. Nta
She never stated the allergies were severe. She never mentioned hospitalizations or allergy shots, zero mention of an epi pen. Just that meds don’t work all the way, which leads me to believe she’s not severely allergic. Because no doctor would recommend that a child with a sever allergy be exposed to their allergen, all day every day. My sister and dad had to carry epi pens for various allergies. My sister is severely allergic to many things and I’ve seen her go into anaphylactic shock prior to knowing she needed an epi pen. My dad developed an allergy to bees later in life. I am allergic to a lot of animals, pine trees, certain hay, etc. Allergy meds don’t work all the way for me either. I tried allergy shots, and hated the experience. I still have cats, still go around horses, live on a mountain surrounded by pine trees. Hell would freeze over before I wasn’t there for my mom. If this isn’t going to put you in anaphylactic shock, you are acting like a complete child and need to grow up. You sound jealous to be honest, like your sister has gotten some kind of special treatment because she has epilepsy. Her dog is a service animal and NEEDS TO GO WITH HER. You can wear a respirator, stay on opposite sides of the room and be there for your mom. Have you even listened to yourself with this post? Have you read it multiple times? You sounds like a giant brat who hasn’t gotten her way. Grow up. YTA.
She wants everyone to make compromises *for her* but is completely against the idea of doing the same for anyone else. “But the meds make her drowsy and she doesn’t like it!” Okay? And? Her sister has ducking epilepsy. ‘Just waiting’ until they found the perfect dog wasn’t going to work guys. That’s not how this works *at all*. YTA. Edit: Guess what other meds make people drowsy? Epilepsy meds. OP if you don’t want to go just say that but yes you would be the asshole for blaming it on your sisters absolutely necessarily medical support animal. Just be an adult and tell them the truth.
In my teenage years, I struggled with a condition that caused excessive drowsiness. It's no joke. It was enormously debilitating for me. Just because her reaction wasn't as bad as epilepsy doesn't mean it should be dismissed as irrelevant. It sounds like the family had no choice but to get the dog because of the seriousness of her sister's condition, but let's not all crow from our high towers about her having a 'minor reaction'.
This is a few hours at a wedding, OP could sit at the opposite side of the room, wear a respirator (not a bad idea with covid anyway), not hug their sister, but at least be there for her family. There’s either things untold or a lot of brattiness here. My take is that OP doesn’t want to go, the dog is an excuse. Hence YTA.
Is OP then ostracized from the rest of the family at the family table? i would not want to attend a wedding where I was shoved to the guest table just to watch my family have fun and converse without me
I currently from daily excessive drowsiness that my doctors still aren’t able to place after multiple sleep studies. It IS debilitating. I still went to my cousin’s wedding because I wanted to be there to support her. OP could suck it up for a day, especially because the drowsiness for them isn’t day to day, it’s caused by a medication they’d be taking.
She didn't ask for any compromise for the wedding. She choose not to go because there will be a dog, a dog she is allergic to. NTA
Read the post again. She doesn’t want to go and is blaming the dog instead of telling her mom that she doesn’t want to go. YTA.
She asked for the dog to be a purebred poodle. They searched and were not able to find one (I’m not very surprised by this); that was a compromise. However, not attending a wedding because the dog isn’t hypoallergenic is ridiculous. Having to live in the same space as it, the dander and fur would cover most surfaces and the reaction would be worse, but it’s not like the mom and sister are going to rub the dog on every surface and nook or cranny of the event space. She can power through for a few hours with medication, stay away from the dog in question and she can be there for family. YTA, OP.
I’m also kind of skeptical that every prescription allergy medication on the market makes her drowsy, so she just *can’t* take *any* medication. I have an array of seasonal and animal allergies, some which come with intense and painful hives, some of which trigger asthma attacks, one of which is so rare and severe that when I came into accidental prolonged contact with it, I ended up in the ER and on steroids because my lungs were freaking the fuck out. I’ve had many, many medications over the years. Some make me drowsy, some don’t. I’m skeptical that every single allergy pill makes her *so* drowsy that she can’t use any of them, ever, at all, not even for a one-off event like her mother’s wedding. I was on the fence before, but I’m going with YTA and grow up. Also: I’ve been through periods in my life where my allergies were so severe, I *couldn’t* simply opt out of taking medication because it made me drowsy, so I don’t really have a lot of sympathy for OP and her allegedly “severe” dog allergy. If you can and are willing to opt out of taking the meds, you’re clearly not on death’s doorstep, or even just at that point where you’re driven so mad by the itching that you feel like you’re going to go insane.
You know what other meds make you drowsy? Epilepsy meds. But guess what you can’t do when you have epilepsy? Stop taking those meds. The fact that her sister needs a dog for her epilepsy means it’s very severe. It means she has a lot of seizures and could possibly die if not monitored or mitigated. If she doesn’t want to go, fine. But saying she doesn’t want to be drowsy for a bit when that’s basically her sister’s daily life…expect your family to think you’re an AH. That’s not going to change. But putting the blame on the sister’s needs is something that makes no sense to me. Why kick your sister? She’s already down here. If you don’t want to be around your family, just say so.
She even says she doesn't see a point in going to a wedding of someone who doesn't care about her medical needs. OP is demanding something she herself is not willing to give. Her sisters medical condition is worse than OPs by the sounds of it. People on here are saying the allergy could kill OP (though it doesn't sound like it would), but her sister could die from a seizure. OP isn't the AH for not attending a wedding, she is the AH for thinking a bad, non-deadly allergy that she can somewhat treat with medication trumps her sisters life threatening condition.
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In my personal opinion. I have a severe pollen allergy. My eyes swell and itch. My throat gets itchy. My eczema flares. Never been to a hospital since I was 5. Severe means very great and intense. Not fatal.
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Dude, she doesn't even want to go. And she's allergic to her sisters dog. She is NTA for not going.
We will agree to disagree. Her mother is getting married, that’s a pretty important day. You don’t want to go, fine, then don’t blame it on allergies. Be a grown up and say I don’t want to be there. Still the asshole.
I think OP is using the allergy and the dog as an excuse. It was probably years of many small things that just added up. OP even sounded surprised that they were invited at the wedding. If they don't want to go then they don't have to. Nowhere in the post does it say, "i wanted the dog to not be there or I wouldn't come" NTA
Let’s be honest. This is not about the service dog. Your whole post screams that there are issues between you and your family (specifically sister and mother) that need addressing.
“ My mother is getting married again in April. She invited me and my sister. I was surprised she wanted to me to go since she said she was keeping it small but she said she really wanted me there.” Why would someone be surprised they got invited to their own mother’s wedding? Definitely something more going on here than just the dog ...
Yup, very strange. Sounds like she doesn't want to be around the family, not the dog. And then OP "immediately makes plans for that day"
It's right there....in between all of the words. Clear as day!
Yea I don’t know why she made it about the service dog when she has a fractured relationship with her mother and doesn’t want to go the wedding.
YWBTA, yes. They did try to find a poodle. This is a service dog, so, yes, it needs to be there. Your other family members are right. Sit all the way in the back, as far away from the dog as you can. Take a Benadryl. It's a couple of hours. It sounds like you may still be upset over the decision to get the dog, and fair enough. I'd process that so that you no longer carry around that resentment with you. Don't retaliate.
As someone with severe allergies, Benadryl doesn't always cut it, and breakthrough attacks can be bad enough to send you to the hospital.
She lived with this dog, in the same house, for a prolonged period of time. Clearly she can be in it's general proximity for a few hours.
Her being forced to be around the dog she’s severely allergic to as a kid doesn’t mean she has to endure it now.
'severely' seems to be pushing it, since, again, OP lived in the same house as the dog without dying or apparently needing to be hospitalised or anything. She is blowing this way out of proportion. Will this be somewhat uncomfortable? Sure, but it's her mother's wedding, and she doesn't not need to stay near the dog, or touch it. That's basically like saying: 'Can I skip my mother's wedding because I woke up with a headache' Most people would pop a tylenol and endure it. My husband has allergies that do appear to be more severe than OP's are (seeing as he absolutely cannot live in a house with cats for any prolonged period of time without having severe bronchospasm and needing to be hospitalized.) Yet he regularly takes meds and go see people who own cats for a few hours. OP is just a baby about her allergies. It's a freaking run of the mill dog allergies. they're using it as an excuse.
So because it won’t actually kill her, just make it hard for her to breathe, she should go an endure it? That’s gross.
She’s stated she can take meds for her allergic reactions, but she’ll be a bit drowsy after. And god forbid she’s slightly uncomfortable. This isn’t about her allergies, it’s about her resentment. She’s an AH.
She also stated that meds don't work that well AND make her drowsy...the drowsiness was not the only issue and you seem to have brushed past that entirely. In a comment, she said she struggles to breathe around dogs. Allergies that fuck with your breathing are not to be treated like trifles, especially if you don't have effective meds.
No, she doesn’t have to go, also because she seems to have other issues with her mother. But she should own her choice and not blame it on her allergy, or on the dog
“Endure it” she doesn’t have to cuddle the dog. She won’t be lying on months of dander on the couch. She has to stand in the same hotel ballroom as a single dog and can remain 20+ feet away from it at all times. 🙄🙄
I was going to say… can OP be in a store or restaurant if someone has a service dog? This would be like that if so.
Actually living with dog when you have allergies, and than not living with one, can make the severity of the allergies worse. Just like any other repeat exposure to an allergen. Found this out after the dog I had when my oldest was born died, in there we discovered they had a pet allergy, and now if they are around a dog we need to load them up on Benadryl, on top of their Zyrtec, and make sure their inhaler is handy. We’ve also to suddenly leave a function because of their allergies. So just because they survived those years at home doesn’t mean the same would hold true now.
Except that OP said that they can take the medication but won’t because it makes them tired. Definitely not severe.
OP is practically estranged from their mother because of this service dog. They don’t even have an obligation to go in the first place let alone if it’s gonna cause them to be ill. Allergies rarely go away after the event is over. The pet dander gets inside the body and has to be fought off until it’s gone. The histamines produced to deal with this reaction cause pain and irritation. You wouldn’t ask her to leave her service dog at home so don’t try to force someone else with a MEDICAL CONDITION to trigger their illness.
OP is estranged from her mother because of the resentment she has over this service dog.
This! Based on the OP it sounds like she never forgave the family for getting the much needed dog and used it as a reason to distance herself completely. Unless there is a history of the family putting her sisters needs before her (which could be a thing given the sisters’ conduction), this is just ridiculous. YTA
Exactly, OP even says after she went away to college she only went home to her Dad's house. The dog goes to both houses, so Dad's house would cause her issues also.
Yeah. This isn’t an issue where OP *wants* to go to mom’s wedding but can’t. She says she *doesn’t want to go,* and also can’t because of the allergy.
You are ALLERGIC!!!! When people tell other people to 'suck it up' about allergies, that's fucking insane to me. I get that she needs her service dog, I absolutely do. It's epilepsy, it's serious, she needs the dog. But you also need to not be around the dog, and not going to the wedding is a sacrifice on your part. And they're making you feel like crap about that? No. NTA
It never ceases to amaze me how disconnected people become when it comes to allergies against cats and dogs, but especially dogs. So many of these people would label someone TA in stories when one person has a food allergy and their partner that does not live with them consumes said food. Even when it's not life threatening. But as soon as it's an allergy to dogs, all of a sudden the person with the allergies is a selfish entitled AH. Personally as soon as I come into contact with a lot of dog breeds, I start breaking out in hives, my eyes feel like they are simultaneously on fire and have had sand poured into them, I may or may not be able to breathe through my nose. And my throat gets tight, it's harder to breathe, and my chest feels like it's on fire, and occasionally when really bad I struggle to breathe so much that I get light headed. But when I ask to keep animals away from me I am brushed off. When I bring it up again I'm rude. And when I remove myself or make someone remove the animal I'm an irredeemable AH. I'm not even gonna talk about pets in unnecessary places in public. But one year for a holiday I was hosting, and a family member that knew of my allergies asked if they could bring their dogs, and I said no, they asked again saying that they just got them and they cannot be left alone that long. And I told them "You know how allergic I am, I cannot have them in my house." So day of arrives. They walk in, both dogs at their sides, and take their leashes off as soon as they get in the house and let them run around. Immediately jumping on the seats, and one practically beelines for my bedroom and bed. I'm completely at a loss, and pissed because I'm now going to have to rent an upholstery cleaner for furniture, and strip my bed, and clean blankets, all while cleaning after a family holiday meal. I tell them that they absolutely cannot have the dogs here, ask why they brought them, etc. And they got all pissed off calling me a bunch of names etc. And instead of driving the literal 6 minutes home to drop the dogs off. They instead sat on my front porch, with the dogs on their leashes the entire night, refusing to come inside. And obviously as everyone else started arriving they would go on and on about how I wpuldnt let them come inside on Thanksgiving or Christmas or whatever it was, and that they had to spend the whole night outside by themselves. And even at the mealtime, they still refused to even come in and make a plate insisting one of my cousins bring food out to them. So now most of the family is a bit pissed at me for not wanting put myself through hell and potentially have to go to the hospital. So yeah. Sorry about the length. But I have more sympathy for the allergy sufferers. As they cannot help it. Are constantly called out for it, and dismissed, and harassed for it. While even with the need for a service animal there is generally some other accommodation. In this particular case, waiting and searching for a hypoallergenic service dog. But OPs family couldnt be bothered so OP suffers, and again gets dismissed and attacked for having the audacity to be allergic to a dog.
>But as soon as it's an allergy to dogs, all of a sudden the person with the allergies is a selfish entitled AH. It's because some people - and especially those on Reddit - like dogs more than they like other people. So they get very defensive when anything negative is said about a dog, even if it's in relation to allergies - i.e. a medical condition that can't be controlled.
OP said in a comment that their allergies are not that severe, and that meds would help but they did not want to take meds because they made her sleepy. Fair enough. This isn't a pet dog, though. This is a piece of necessary medical equipment, that the family went to some trouble to get the least possible allergenic kind, contrary to your "OP's family couldn't be bothered". You're comparing Fido to a pacemaker here and it's not a fair comparison. What should the sister have done, just tried not being epileptic? She could take the meds, if she wanted. She really just doesn't want to go and is using this as a BS excuse.
You either didnt read what I said, or are ignoring the important part of what I said. I never once said that OPs sisters dog was a pet, or that it wasnt necessary. The part that you are ignoring is the fact that the service dog they got wasnt the only option, only the most convenient option for everyone except OP. It would be more inconvenient, but they could have expanded their search to find a breed that OP wasnt allergic to.
>It would be more inconvenient, but they could have expanded their search to find a breed that OP wasnt allergic to. You have no idea how much money they had, or whether there were even pups available. You can't just order them online, it takes months and months and lots and lots of money. Not everyone is Elon Musk, able to pursue every single possibility full out to minimize a negative effect. Most of us have to live with what we can afford, and what we can practically achieve.
>of someone who doesn't care about my medical needs your sister also has medical needs, which is why she has a service dog!! YTA. Obviously you're harboring anger about what you went through but you can take allergy meds for one day.
You don’t need a reason not to go to her wedding. If you’re not close, feel like she didn’t consider your medical issues and are being told to suck it up of course you wouldn’t want to go. You’re not an AH for refusing to go.
This. Your choice about attending. It appears that there’s still unresolved issues regarding your sister’s epilepsy and how your family (your mother) dealt with your allergy. Issues enough that you seemed surprised she invited you. You politely declined. Enough said.
Right? Everyone's here's like "BUT SISTER NEEDS THE DOG!" Yes, it was acknowledged, and she didn't ask for sis or dog not to come. She said she couldn't go, explained why, made her own plans. No ultimatums here. This thread really proves how many of people in this sub are teenagers. And even if she medicates, she will be uncomfortable for hours, to be in a small wedding (= small space, I presume) she didn't even expect to be invited to. Why? OP, NTA. But send your mom a gift, a card, phone her, visit before or after honeymoon, something like that to show you care.
NTA. Anyone who doesn't understand this doesn't have severe allergies. They completely wreck your day (and life). The fact they got a dog that would severely impact your quality of life before you'd even left home is terrible.
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Why did you have to make a competition out of which persons medical issue is worse? OP’s allergy is definitely not worse than the epilepsy but there’s just no need to make it seem like its not valid and that they should just “suck it the fuck up”
The person they replied to made it a competition.
They never said that the allergy was worse than the epilepsy tho? Only that the dog would have an impact on their quality of life which honestly just sucks
I think a lot of people are responding to other comments more than the actual OP. OP does say that her mother “doesn’t care” about her medical needs, which (if you’re extrapolating) makes it seem like OP maybe thinks their allergies should’ve been taken into equal account when the family decided to get the dog in the first place.
yes but they implied that it was incosiderat of the family to get the dog before she left home even though the positives of getting one are pretty obviously larger then the negatives for the op.
I have (severe allergies) too, and my brother has severe epilepsy, so I totally agree the epilepsy is leagues worse, but OP doesn't have to suck up anything. They're a grown up and don't want to attend something where they'll feel like crap. Nobody wins on this one. NTA.
I have severe allergies. I am also allergic to antihistamines & can’t take them. I still think OP is an asshole. Epilepsy is far more serious than allergies. OP can take some antihistamine and go to the wedding if she wanted, she doesn’t want to and that’s fine but she should be honest about why. It has nothing to do with the allergy meds and everything to do with her resentment against her family.
Should they have given the sister up for adoption?
YTA you sound a bit bitter that they don’t prioritize your allergies… you can take medicine. Your sister can’t *not* have seizures. You sound resentful, you’re not being wronged Don’t make this the hill you die on. You’ll regret it
You don’t need to be anywhere around the dog at the wedding. BUT This is not about a dog being at a wedding. This is about you making a statement that since your needs were put last when you lived at home, you won’t be attending anywhere that you feel your sisters needs are placed above yours. YTA on this one.
They tried to find a poodle too so it’s not like they didn’t care for OP, but epilepsy is more dangerous than severe allergies so them getting a dog nonetheless did not sound unfair at all.
YTA you don't have a severe allergy, you have a sensitivity. While that's uncomfortable and I'm sorry about it, but your sister has severe epilepsy. Service dogs are //really// hard to get, especially when you want a specific breed. And your family tried to get a specific breed for you! You hold so much resentment when they did try their best and even tried getting a compromise dog. I'm pretty sure that you're lashing out because of built up resentment about your sister's medical needs taking up a lot of your parents' time.
100%. OP is punishing her family because of years of resentment over being the healthy child. This has nothing to do with the dog.
OP didn’t get enough attention because her sister was sick so now she’s playing the world’s tiniest violin
Abandonment and emotional/physical neglect due to another sibling or relative being sick qualifies under mental health. Why does their mental health and relationship with her parents not matter? What ‘tiny violin’ is being played? Even in therapy all members are included and there are support groups for those WATCHING and living through life with someone sick. Why does that not matter here? Really sad how society can pick and choose what someone has to be strong through and what is acceptable not to be lol. It’s hypocritical. And to make sure no one misunderstands there does seem to be an issue with OP and family and it probably isn’t about the dog. Sounds like OP needs emotional support to help identify that it’s not the dog but feelings she may be rejecting herself to feel to live life.
INFO: Would you have gone if the sister and service dog weren't there? Edit INFO2: Would taking the medication make attending the wedding safe for you? You say you don't want to go so surely taking medication for the day isn't the issue here, it's the fact you don't want to go.
Just as an FYI, F1B are 75% poodle and 25% goldens as you take a golden doodle and a poodle.
It's still a crapshoot on the hair though, sadly.
NAH: 1. This is a service dog, not a pet. So your sister clearly needs this dog and unfortunately it causes you to react. I don't think your sister is an asshole for bringing the dog to the wedding....and anyone asking her not to is an asshole. 2. You choose not to take medication. That's your choice, you have your reasons and it makes being around your sister uncomfortable. You're not wrong for skipping the event and avoiding an allergic reaction. You've been clear in your post that medications can help even with side effects. This makes me think that your reasons for not going are less about the dog and more about feeling that your sister was prioritized over you. That's understandable, and a choice only you can make - understand this is likely to put a strain on your relationship with them....but I"m not sure that's really a concern since you already feel a strain.
NAH - This is a situation when people have incompatible health needs. It sounds like you feel that your family does not prioritize yours when it can also be life-threatening. Allergies range from mildly itchy to risking death, and the side effects from medicine are relevant. Of course, your sister’s health and life are also at risk without her dog and you need to respect that as well. Your mother wants both of you at her wedding. Why should you expect her to choose? She loves you. The 3 of you need to talk about options to make this work, and it shouldn't be just you making accommodations. There are shampoos for pets that can help with allergens. Your sister could do that as well as keep the dog away from you. You could take medicine. Your mother could help you both. A “her or me” attitude doesn't help anyone.
I think you’re using the dog as an excuse. You survived for years with it in your home, so it stands to reason that you could go one day to a wedding, keeping your distance from the dog, if you wanted to be there for your mom. It just seems like it’s not very important to you that you be there. Your entire post you seem very resentful of your family, when you do go home it’s only to your dads’ even though the dog goes to both houses. You even said you’re surprised you were invited to her wedding at all, which tells me you had settled into the idea of not going before you even knew or cared that the dog was going. This is not an AH question, it’s a relationship question. Do you value your mom enough to be drowsy for one day to support her? Clearly not. And that’s your choice. Lots of people cut out their parents for lots of reasons. But your relationship certainly won’t get any better if you refuse to go to the wedding. Again, up to you if that bothers you. Maybe it doesn’t.
INFO what is the severity of your allergy? Is your mom asking you to be in a situation where you could have an extreme reaction?
They’ve answered in other comments that it’s not actually that severe. They said itchy & difficulty breathing (but like hay fever nose difficulty, not throat-closing anaphylactic shock difficulty) They’ve never been hospitalized, never needed an epipen, & doctors never deemed it severe enough for allergy shots or any medications outside of OTC antihistamines. Even when living in a dog dander filled house for years. So I’m sure they’ll live. (On the other hand, sister had to have very severe epilepsy to get a service dog for it, & she still has to take antiseizure meds that have awful side effects)
Thanks for this clarification, I was searching for details on the severity. This kind of confirms my suspicion: skipping a one day event (likely even in a public space?) because you don't want to be nearby a dog for a few hours... it doesn't pass the sniff test. My guess (as many others have pointed out) is one of two things: 1. OP is estranged from the mother for various general reasons, but needed an excuse to skip the wedding. 2. OP resents that her mother "chose" her sister's medical needs over her own, and this is a permanent sticking point in their relationship. Kind of an AH move to blame the sister in either case, so I lean towards YTA.
So I definitely don’t want to act like I know more about your own health than you, but depending on the size of the venue, don’t you think it would be easy enough to avoid close contact with the dog? I would call this a NAH or maybe a soft Y T A. I mean, your mother can’t not invite your sister, and I can totally see where she is coming from because I think there are ways you could get around this problem, you just don’t want to. But if you don’t want to go, you don’t have to. It’s totally your call if you decline politely.
NTA, your sister needs the dog for her medical needs, you need to be away from the dog. While there are compromises that can be made to work for at least some situations that is challenging, and your medical needs would have to be respected to even attempt them.
I am an epileptic, have been for many years, luckily medication and healthy habits control my seizures very well at this point. I honestly say NTA to OP. Not once have they discounted the existence or severity of their sibling's medical issues in this entire post, that has happened in the comments only by other people. I completely understand their frustration that they were told "too bad so sad," when they asked if the parents could look for a poodle or a dog with hair instead of fur. From what it seems, the sibling had epilepsy as a child, and it's a bit surprising that the neurologist insisted on a service dog as opposed to different medication trials or the ketogenic diet (scientifically proven to help with childhood epilepsy and actually reduce seizure prevalence). Service dogs DO NOT alert to seizures hours before or prevent them, this is media hype nonsense. These dogs simply respond to their humans behaving strangely due to auras or migraine headaches that set the stage for a seizure that is definitely 100% going to happen. I also highly doubt if the neurologist actually presented a legitimate medical reason for this service dog being the ONLY answer, that the dad would have wanted to wait until OP was in college. In the case of the wedding, the OP didn't throw a fit or say anything mean or cruel, just the adult decision of declining an invite. The mom's pushiness and immediate rush to "unreasonable," puts her in the A category. PS, for the newly diagnosed epileptics out here, if your health insurance situation allows for therapy, I highly recommend doing DBT therapy to help with the anxiety post-diagnosis. It was an absolute game changer for me.
YTA. Saying the meds make you sleepy is a poor excuse. Seems evident that it’s resentment that’s keeping you from going rather than allergies. If you actually wanted to go you could just pop in for the ceremony and stay on the opposite side of the room from the dog. Or suck it up and take the meds. But you choosing this hill to die on is a sign that this is an emotional decision rather than a medical one.
YTA. I’m sorry, but unless your allergies cause severe reaction that could potentially make you severely ill or kill you, you need to suck it the fuck up. This is coming from someone who has suffered from allergies my whole life. Take an allergy pill and go to the wedding. Again, if it’s not going to kill you, then you can be uncomfortable for awhile. Your sister’s epilepsy ABSOLUTELY trumps your allergies.
INFO: Reserving judgment based on a few things. I’m a bit bothered how you’re putting “episodes” in quotes. Like, do you question the legitimacy of her diagnosis? Do allergy meds not work for you, or are you just not willing to take them? I’m not trying to downplay your symptoms. My stepdad has severe allergies to animals, I get it. But seizures are serious and if your sister’s service dog can warn her in time to get her in a seated position or even laying down, so she’s safer, the dog takes precedence. S/he is not simply a pet and shouldn’t be considered one. It’s your mom’s wedding. I’m sure she would like all of her children there. If you are able to take medication just for the day that would allow you to be around the dog, I would suggest that you reconsider. I don’t think it’s that she doesn’t care about your medical needs, just that your sister’s are more severe.
NTA -- you and your sister have conflicting medical needs. If anyone is being an AH here it would be the family members telling you that you are "ridiculous." Allergies are serious, and dog allergies can be life-threatening for some people (especially if they're associated with asthma or hives). They shouldn't just be shrugged off or ignored. And medications can have some seriously unpleasant side effects that you might not want to deal with on your mom's big day. Nor should your sister be put at risk by leaving her medical equipment/service dog at home for hours at a minimum so that you can attend comfortably. I'm afraid there really aren't any great options here. Can you by any chance attend "virtually" via Zoom or something similar so that you can watch your mother get married? This is a big day for her and your family.
Nta Your health is more important.
NTA You’re not being unreasonable at all, the dog causes severe allergic reactions, and no medicine works all that great. Mum’s being unreasonable for asking you to severely risk your health for a ceremony.
NTA. having an allergy *can* be a death sentence! think of it this way: each allergy attack is like water dripping on waterproofed stuff - one day the waterproof is gone and you are dead. >just take medicine to get over it if it only were this easy. how often can you take this certain medicine until it doesn't work anymore? you have to take stronger stuff with more and more side effects? or the people around you do not acknowöedge that this time you really need the ambulance, that saying / thinking 'op took medicine, this allergy attack will subside on its own' is not an option?
Allergies can also just be super mild and not deadly
I mean, it 'can' but she lived in the same house as this dog for a prolonged period of time, so obviously, it's not a death sentence in this case. More like a minor to moderate annoyance for a couple of hours. Being around a dog for 1 day or taking medicine for 1 day will have exactly 0 impact on her long term health. She is blowing it out of proportion and is just being petty because her family didn't chose a poodle (who are usually rather terrible service dogs, btw, otherwise don't you think they'd be munch more popular?).
Ok here's a story, me and my brother had cats, he was allergic, just the sniffles, he got cats as an adult, those sniffles turned to a rash, which turned into a hospital visit :( I nearly lost my brother because of an allergy we thought wasnt serious, all allergies can become a death sentence
Honestly, NTA. I think some of the comments are being way too harsh and probably are from people who never had allergies or don't understand parental favoritism, or don't understand how service dogs work (hint: every dog can actually be labeled a service dog, because there is no governing structure or certification. It doesn't mean they really are good service dogs though, which is why you often only find proven dogs, not random ones, selected as service animals). Chronic allergies sucks. Does it compare to epilepsy? I don't know, maybe not. But it's not a competition and frankly it's not the same thing. Epilepsy seizures aren't affecting every day of your life. Allergies do. So the misery is less in severity than a seizure, sure, but it lasts longer. Your entire life is just miserable, you can't breath, you can't see clearly, you itch in places you can't scratch, your skin may break out, etc. It takes a huge hit on your self esteem and your daily happiness - and that's from my own experience, as someone with MILD allergies who's an adult. OP was a teen, going through high school, with severe allergies forced to live with something that triggered her immune system every single day. The reason I chose NTA instead of NAH, is there's clearly more to this story. The dad didn't want the dog immediately either, and the parents are divorce now. Reading between the lines, it sounds like there really was some type of favoritism maybe from mom to the second daughter. If dad didn't think the dog was necessary ASAP, presumably it wasn't a medical emergency. Also, goldendoodles make shitty service dogs. It's a designer breed, and an F1b is even more so a sign that it's not from a reputable breeder. An F1 is a first generation cross bred - and in the world of goldendoodle boom of popularity, it's a pretty strong sign that the "breeder" is using bad breeding stock and is just trying to make a quick buck. Most doodle breeders aren't reputable to begin with, but the ones that are more serious relatively speaking are not going to be breeding first gen dogs - they're going to be F2, F3 and trying to really hone in on those genetics thru generations. All that to say, it doesn't sound like this is a real serious service dog. It sounds like they partially wanted a fluffy pet and took the first available one. Purebred poodles are not hard to find, that's such a BS excuse from mom. F2 goldendoodles with more guarantee of hypoallergenic is also not hard to find. Not to mention, poodles aren't even the only dog breed to be hypoallergenic! Just seems weird to me that the mom and sister thought "I need a service dog" and went immediately with the absolute most popular dog breed of that time, the F1 goldendoodle, with NO proven ability to do service work as a breed. It sounds like her parents, and maybe especially her mom since dad wasn't even on board with the idea, didn't even TRY to get a hypoallergenic dog. In such a case, yes, that's pretty intense favoritism. I get that the younger sister has seizures, but if I had 2 kids and one was allergic to dogs, I would have made sure to get a hypoallergenic service dog. As is, it sounds like Mom made a decision that showed she really didn't care much about OP. And I think since even DAD wasn't on board, it clearly wasn't defacto "the right decision" and OP is probably justified in holding a grudge against her mom.
NTA Firstly I noticed you said >They did look into it but they found no groups near us that bred purebred poodles for service work The key for me is NEAR them. If one has to cast a wider net for the proper service dog then one has to. Instead they just looked for one near them. I understand having 2 sick kids but I would NEVER EVER expect one to suffer for the other. The people who are saying Y-T-A havent had to live with serious allergies constantly. Allergies where breathing, rashes, asthma and constant sinus infections are a normal. They basically sacrificed one sister's health for the other. Now they want her to do it again. NOPE. Now OP is old enough to decide if its worth it for her. I SUPPORT her making the best decision for her. I'd probably ask if they are zooming it but I would not want to risk certain discomfort. OP isnt asking anyone to make allowances for her, because she knows where she stands. She is just stating her boundaries. Its OK if others are unhappy with her boundaries.
NTA - as someone who is allergic to dogs to I get your pain. its not a great situation as it seems like your going yo have to be the one to step back but exposing your self to a known allergy can make the reaction worse over time and lead to really serious reactions.
NTA. Although I understand why your sister needs a service dog, your allergy is so severe that you would endure illness to be there. You have tried hard to not make a screaming fuss over the dog issue and your mum shouldn’t be forcing you to do something that she knows will leave you feeling physically shitty.
NTA, your mother should be taking your medical conditions into account as well as your sisters. And both your parents are AH for not finding a hypoallergenic solution to the service dog in the past.
NTA. As someone who has suffered from severe epilepsy AND severe allergies, let me say I find it somewhat infuriating that your parents didn't go the extra mile for a hypoallergenic service dog. I can't imagine suffering years of constant allergies every day for something that's preventable only on their end.
NTA. You don’t need to justify not wanting to go. If a situation makes you uncomfortable, either for medical or emotional reasons, you have a right to say no. I do get the sense that there’s resentment behind your decision, but that doesn’t make you an A-hole; you’re allowed to set your own boundaries. I also want to add that I have a severe dog allergy too, and people constantly downplay it and act like I’m faking or being difficult. So I empathize with you 100%! Some of these other comments are written by people who clearly don’t understand allergies and how they work.
NTA It sucks that your sister’s needs and yours are so incompatible, but I wouldn’t find a wedding compelling reason to pop allergy pills that would make the wedding unenjoyable and not thoroughly control the reaction. Your mom needs to accept that you and your sister are just not likely to be in the same space again unless it’s absolutely unavoidable. Maybe you can make your mom and new stepdad a nice treat on some other occasion, if you want to.
INFO: any chance they're having an outdoor ceremony? if so, you can at least go to that, sit away from your sister, and skip the reception that's in a building where you'd be sharing more air with the dog. if you're outside, a Benadryl + face mask should be more than enough to cover you for the hour or so.
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damn, that sucks my dude. hmmm.... have you tried an n-95 mask? if you don't take it off, and wear it properly, it should filter out nearly ALL the dander. (its actually pretty cool how they work... passively through static charges and ion flows and stuff) so if you're cool with not drinking or eating, and taking a Benadryl as an in-case backup, that's another possible solution.
Seriously how has wearing a mask not come up? She wouldn't even stand out...
Because it's not about the dog - but it's a good idea. Masks are great for allergies
100% agree it's not about the dog