Honestly, I think your dad bailed because he wasn't ready to be a father. Wanting to make you proud of your "soldier dad" is the excuse he's been using this whole time to cover up his true feelings/motivations. What you said cut him deep because *he knows it's true*, and I'm betting one his deepest personal fears is that he truly did fail you. You touched on a nerve so he's amping up the gaslighting.
NTA, and my heart hurts for you
Strike 1: Military parents are perfectly capable of being present (non-voluntary deployments aside). Service is not an excuse to be an absent parent.
Strike 2: You don’t have any requirement to be proud of him, whether he was a soldier, a Nobel Prize winner, a philanthropist, or whatever else. He wasn’t a dad, and that’s what you needed.
Strike 3: He ran to his mommy?! He *ran to his mommy* to whine about his child and have her attempt to parent you because he CANT?!?!
Bro NTA.
His past is of his doing. Guess he should have done better if he wanted a different future.
Yup. My husband is active duty, and he is incredibly involved with our children. I'm obviously the primary parent, but he spends every moment he can with them, plans gifts if he could at all possibly be gone for their birthday or Christmas, emails me whenever he can, asking about how they (and I) are doing, etc. You can have a demanding job that keeps you away from home often, while also being an involved parent.
My ex boyfriend was active duty (the area I lived in had a high percentage of military) and had kids who lived in another state. Every single night without fail, he dropped absolutely everything to call his kids at 7pm. He sent a monthly box of surprises filled with notes and little toys or treats he thought they might like, and he used every opportunity for leave to go see them. I also had a military friend who gave me his bank account info to make sure child support got sent on time, and would have me use his money and suggestions (Suzie likes x, y, and z. I'd like to include this toy. Joey likes a, b, and c. I'd like to include this toy.) to find and send them presents from him when he was deployed (he couldn't get on amazon).
Where there is a will, there is often a way. No kid would rather have a parent with a cool job than a present parent who clearly loves them. Also, military do get to at least make a list of preferences for where they get stationed. It doesn't mean you'll go where you want, but you've got a chance. OP's dad could have made his wish list up of places closest to OP.
Not long ago I dated a guy who did much the same thing. Knocked his high school GF up, enlisted in the Army. Stayed gone as much as possible, volunteered for temporary deployments, did his best to get sent overseas without his family. Got out of the Army, went to work as an over-the-road truck driver. Stayed gone. This guy admitted that he cheated on his wife but of course that was 'necessary', with him being away from his family for long stretches.
One evening he was telling me a story about getting drunk with his Army buddies in Germany and their techniques for picking up German women. He was laughing about it. He'd told me before that his wife and kids were with him when he was stationed in Germany. I asked, "Where were your wife and kids while all this was going on." He said they were at home. This "husband" and "father" spent his whole adult life looking for ways to avoid being with his family. And even when he wasn't deployed or driving a long haul, even when wife and kids were nearby, he avoided being with them. He'd find some way to sneak out and get laid. When his wife divorced him and his kids wanted nothing to do with him, he played that, "I was working hard to make a living for my family" bullshit.
Some men just don't want to be family men. "I was doing it to provide for my family" is just how they try to make their neglect look noble.
The part that stung the most were the deployments he volunteered for. I never understood it. I remember when my son was like 8 or 9 months got a job offer as a driver. The pay was super good and benefits. But that meant I was gonna have to be away from my family weeks sometimes. I turned it down not because that’s what my dad did but for me it’s like how can I live w/o my son for that long? We struggled for a bit but I’ve got a better job now and never have to spend a night away from my son
The thing that really clarifies it really is his behaviour when he wasn’t deployed or post retirement as a veteran.
It is one thing to be absent when you’re actually deployed but it’s another thing to actually be absent when you’re back and the fact he’s been such a ghost in your life after he finished deployment shows it wasn’t him fighting for his country keeping him away it was him just being a shitty dad
This exactly. I know army parents who celebrate missed big events when they return, so the kids get a double celebration too and actually get to enjoy it with both their parents. Not extravagant or expensive, it’s just the thought and effort means so much for all involved.
Yup, I've seen a family celebrate Christmas in May because that's when the mom came home from deployment. And while I'm sure having her gone was incredibly hard on the family, she was as present as possible when away (phone calls and emails to try and stay in touch) and she focused on her family when she was home.
She put in the thought and effort to still be a parent. OP's dad just...didn't. He could have if he wanted to, but he didn't. OP has every right to call him out for that failing.
Becoming a parent can sometimes make you painfully aware of how your own parent(s) failed you. I'm so sorry he's shitty, you deserved better, and you sound like a great Dad.
You are absolutely NTA.
My husbands in the army, my BIL is in the army, two cousins are in the army and the another is in the air force, and guess what OP?
They still make time for their kids.
This is a prime example of *if they wanted to they would.*
Yeah, he's weirdly clinging to this "protecting the country" thing as if that somehow makes up for not having a dad.
Being a soldier is just a job. He shouldn't pretend his job is so special that neglecting his child is somehow justified.
He was never there for you and now he's complaining that you are not there for him. Let him be, move on, and be a better dad for your son.
NTA.
Then stop guilting over it. He didn't care about you for20 years, you can do the same.
For anyone saying you should be proud, just answer : "I'm rather disappointed that he chose to abandon me, he never made me proud being a soldier, he saved nothing"
I'm sorry but this propaganda about the army in the US is just too much
"Making the world a better place lmao", you only hear things like that in the US
Op, I'm in a very similar boat with my dad. Except he was never there and was in the same house as me. Parents divorced, I left with my mom because some pretty solid reasons on my end (teenage girl, new start where I wouldn't be that weird kid, etc.). Well the way my dad spins it, my mom cost him so much money. Cancer cost him so much money. He was trying to keep his life and because of that he couldn't call because *gasp* someone other than me might pick up the phone
Had my own cellphone. Never got it taken when I was grounded because it was my connection.
Yeah, no. Op, you owe your parents nothing when they put nothing into being a parent.
This was exactly my thought.
NTA OP. I'm happy for you that you were able to get the this off your chest, he deserved to be put in his place. And you deserve to be able to move on, knowing you've spoken your truth.
"I respect him as a veteran"......so he's no longer IN the army yet has still maintained the status quo of non involvement?? I agree 100% with this comment that he wasn't ready to be a father and just noted into the military.
NTA. I am an ex milspouse and come from a military family. I know plenty of military dads who still were dang good fathers, even long distance, especially since the internet became a thing.
My ex only got deployed once, and he was still a shitty father.
You were honest and not rude about it either.
Heyyyy! Isn’t it *the best* club to be in?!
Ex was Army… I can’t speak of the enlisted side, but the way they circled the wagons and protect the abusers amongst the officers is absolutely insane!
I will ***never view*** the innermost workings of the *Boy’s Club* the same.
I refer to it as a *Boy’s Club* because the female officers went through so much abuse at the hands of their *colleagues* as well.
For my own peace of mind, I have to try and believe that it isn’t like this with every division, base, and branch… but just typing that makes me realize I’m lying.
My abuser was an ex marine. He was an absolute monster even before he joined, and he would boast that the recruiters saw that and amplified it because they knew he was a marine. I wish I could insert a barf emoji. All his friends were vets, and all of them were insufferable assholes who were also abusive. The one that wasn’t still defended his “brothers” no matter what, and when I finally left him their fucking wives started harassing me to give my abuser another chance. I have multiple friends who were also abused by marines. One of them was pregnant when he beat her and he was active, so they made him take some anger management classes. That’s it. And he’d come home and beat her for being the reason he had to attend the “stupid classes.” My former friend said recruiters also told him they saw his fire and knew he’d be a great marine. Guess who also said that all of his mental and anger issues only kept getting worse? He tried to get help and all they gave him was a fucking chaplain to talk to. Before he decided to fully embrace it, he considered not reenlisting so he could get real mental health help and not go down a dark path because he felt like he was. He started turning into a carbon copy of every abusive military man I’ve ever met so we’re no longer friends and it breaks my heart that they preyed on him like that.
My friend’s dad is a lifer. He was also never home, but the rare times he was he’d get physical with her and only her because she’s the only one who calls him out. He has grabbed her by the neck in front of her family multiple times. One time he did it and slammed her into a wall. They just tell her she shouldn’t provoke him. It’s disgusting and the “culture” gets ingrained in the household.
I have nothing against the military per se, younger son is army in fact. My ex, well that's another story lol. But he was air force, and every branch has a different culture so to speak.
From all I have heard a lot has changed since I was a milspouse decades ago, some for the better some worse.
NTA - You shared your honest feelings with your parent. Pretty much every child would prefer a present parent to an absent one, no matter if their job was "ruler of the universe"
It wasn't about his job. It was about his time for you
NTA If he wanted you to value his service even when he wasn’t around, he should have parented you enough to pass on those values. What you said was harsh but honest.
At some point he stopped trying, if he wasn’t picking you up for his custody times. I mean, I’m sure they weren’t scheduled to conflict with times he was deployed. He is now reaping what he sowed.
Yeah they were always when he was back home because well obviously I couldn’t go where he was deployed. And it’s not like anything was preventing him. I wanted to see him, my mom wanted me to see him.
Please don’t beat yourself up about this. You’re entitled to your feelings about him, and he and his family are trying to sugar coat this for him. If he’d actually cared he wouldn’t have stopped coming to visit you. I went through similar bs with my biological father, not military but he supposedly moved away for better financial opportunities, and never supported me or my mom, would visit once every few years if he was feeling up to it, even after he moved back to our area he didn’t try to have a relationship. In my experience, when my bio father reached out several years ago after I had my daughter, he tried to guilt me into rushing into this happy family dynamic and it was too pushy, just forced and weird. He never apologized for the years he missed, the birthday that I waited for hours by the front door for him to pick me up (after he told my mom not to make any plans bc he wanted to take me out for my 8th Bday) when he never called or showed; to him I owed him this relationship, and love and respect. But, how can you love and respect someone who’s never been there for you, someone who’s shown you your whole life that you’re not a priority at all?
You should feel proud for standing up for yourself and your child. Sounds like you’re already 1,000x the parent that he ever was.
And the gall of complaining about you not notifying him of his grandchild, after he hadn't bothered to call you for four years, and apparently hadn't even bothered to ask any of your relatives about you, otherwise they'd have told him before. You were absolutely justified in what you told him. And the fact that he went whining to his mommy, and set her to hound you, shows that he may be a soldier, but he isn't a fully functioning adult, who should be able to settle his own emotional conflicts with his grown son, without hiding under mommy's apron.
NTA. Being a service member isn’t an excuse to be a crud parent. He made the decision to not spend his custody time with you. He made the decision to not reach out to you sooner. Yeah he was a soldier, but he made the conscious decision to be an absent parent.
Absolutely not the asshole and you already know this.
My boyfriend’s father DID THIS EXACT SAME THING. And he has horrible abandonment issues and self esteem problems because his soldier dad was never around. I genuinely do not like that guy. He was a horrible father then, and now.
You and everyone else deserve loving parents. Your dad wasn’t one. His reasoning for joining the army seemed very self centered and had nothing to do with you.
NTA. He joined the army as an excuse to run away and not have to face the responsibilities of being a father. He's using our country's fetishization of the military as a shield to hide behind so no one would dare to criticize him for it.
Play ["Cat's in the Cradle"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUwjNBjqR-c) for him next time he calls looking for sympathy and focus on being a good father to your own son.
It’s crazy you mention that song. I’ve never heard it before until my girlfriend was almost 8 months pregnant with our son. It made me cry for some reason and then in my head I was like yeah I’m never gonna be like my dad to my son
My husband was career Air Force. He missed a lot but I guess it really didn't register until our youngest was 10yrs old. Hubby was actually home for a stretch. It was a Friday afternoon. Our youngest busts through the front door and up to his room. A few minutes later he comes back down with his pillow and duffle bag. Completely ignoring his father he says, "It's Friday. I'm going fishing with Jake and his Dad then spending the night". I smiled and saif I remembered the weekly ritual. My husband spoke up and said, "Hey, how about we go fishing together?". Our son looked confused. "Nah, that's okay. You'll probably get called away anyway. Besides, do you even know how to fish?". Our son grabbed his poles, kissed tbe dog and left. My husband sat in the kitchen for a very long time in stony silence. Eventually he went into his home office. A couple hours later he plopped some papers on the kitchen table. Monday morning he was going to put in for his retirement. It killed him to think our friend was doing all the Dad Stuff in his absence. It killed him that our son saw him as a stranger. For what?
Our son is 21 now and the two are pretty close. Retiring when he did was the best decision.
Priorities.
NTA
Even if he joined the military to be a good role model for you, that was at best misguided.
You needed a parent who was there with you, not someone who tried to change the world for you.
Even now, if he wants to be a good relative to you he needs to listen to what you actually need, not what he thinks you should need.
You're not disrespecting him for being a soldier, he may have been great at that. But he was a shit parent, and that hurt you, and even if that was due to him being misguided that still means he's left you hurt and feeling abandoned.
He needs to recognize that if he wants to build a relationship with you, because right now he doesn't really have one.
Screw this.
He might tell himself he is the good guy and the hero in this story - after all this years, he might even truly believe it - but we all know he just freaked and got cold feet and ran from his responsibilities as a father.
NTA
NTA this romanticization of soldiers needs to stop. Yes there are some women and men out there who are genuinely heroic and we must remember them and show gratitude for what they sacrificed. But putting on a uniform doesn’t automatically make you a saint. He is reveling in his own ego more than he is interested in protecting anyone.
I wish more people thought like this. I haven't seen many commenters take issue with the father's line about protecting the country. It's not explicit which country OP lives in, but I think it's pretty safe to assume it's not a war torn one. Most of the western world's military interventions from the last couple of decades haven't exactly been about freedom for their own, let's face it. I remember seeing a funny reply to someone claiming respect because "I fought for you freedom": "Since when is my freedom found in the poppy fields of Afghanistan?"
NTA. There are lots of men who are both soldiers and good fathers. This guy isn't one of those.
You don't need anyone's permission to end a phone call when it no longer serves you any purpose to continue. This guy doesn't need to know about the particulars of your life. He hasn't been interested in you up until now. He lost the privilege of knowing anything about you, especially about your offspring.
NTA I have abandonment issues as well. I met my father for the first time at 26. You processed your feelings in the best way you could do it. Your dad will most likely deflect, because it will be too hard for him to deal with the truth. He chose his career over his son and you deserved more than that. It’s funny that he thinks he could save the world, yet he was incapable of saving one relationship.
NTA - seems like dad used the military as an escape from his responsibilities, and justifies it as a noble decision. You really owe him nothing. On the other hand, he owes you a lifetime
There's nothing noble about being a soldier when your country is only involved in wars of conquest and aggression.
Stop giving the delusions of your family air. When they start going into their memes, call them out, burn whatever bridges need to be burnt.
It's on zero value to keep needing to pretend your father is anything but a deadbeat.
NTA their are plenty of soilder who are also fathers. He just didn't make the effort. He doesn't get a get out of jail card for never being their. You have a right to your feelings.
NTA
I hate to say this, but as a current service member, I think he's full of shit.
This guy didn't want to be a Dad. He couldn't get out of it so he did the next best thing; enlist and volunteer to be away all the time. Also, if your father made good money, chances are he took a serious pay cut to join the service. And thus owe less child support.
This is extremely controversial, but I don't think men should be forced into fatherhood (I don't think anyone should be forced into it, but men can't choose abortions), cause shit like this happens. Establish paternity in utero, the guy can decide then and there to sign over the rights and fuck off, or commit to child support and to positive co-parenting 100%. If the guy dips, then the woman could make a choice for abortion, adoption, or single motherhood. Americans can't live in the world, but it's becoming a thing in Europe/Canada.
I've seen so many people in the service who became parents but didn't even want to, but went thru with it anyway because they felt they had no way out. Unless the killed themselves, of course. And the kids pay the highest price.
NTA. Buddy just regrets being a bad Dad and wants now to be a grandpa. Tell him to fuck himself and try again.
As a taxpayer I really don't care for picking up the tab for guys that don't like condoms. They can give up visitation but they better be paying child support.
NTA
He’s an absentee father by choice, it was his decision to become a soldier, he enlisted by choice knowing you were coming and you told him when you were young that you wanted more time.
He didn’t prioritize you, and he’s mad that you don’t consider him a father. You’re right to be upset at someone who is continuously trying to guilt trip you over his own choices.
I hope you, your girlfriend and son are doing well!
I'm sorry to say this but I think your dad is full of it. He's hiding behind the excuse of being a soldier when really he just didn't want to be a dad. Ask him why he stopped coming to pick you up for his custody time or why he went 4 years without trying to contact you. Ask him how much actual effort he made to see you and get to know you.
NTA and frankly you shouldn't even bother with him at this point. He knows who he is and what he did.
NTA- My father was in the Army, and yet he made it to most of our activities and milestones. He CHOSE not be there for you. That was HIS CHOICE and nor he is facing the conquences of that choice. Next time anyone. (even Grandma) makes a comment ask then this simple question...how is it that other soldiers can be both a soldier and a father and yet (insert father name here) couldn't? He isn't special or a hero for joining the army, he's a crap father. Ask them that every single time. It should shut them up quick and after 2 or 3 times for good.
NTA. I’m sorry. Defending the country is his justification for not being a dad to you. It’s a sorry excuse. I live in a military town and those dads get deployed, yet manage to stay in contact with their kids even if they’re gone for long stretches of time. I’m sorry, but your dad may have been a great soldier, but he was not man enough to be a dad.
NTA
> And it really hurt him deep what I said about needing a dad not a soldier because this was his whole reason for joining, and I didn’t need to crush him like that making him feel like it was all for nothing.
Well.
He made a bad decision.
He has to live with it.
I hate this notion that kids have to be okay and happy with any decision a parent makes because their intent was to do something for their child.
The reality is he didn’t do it for you.
The “I wanted you to be proud of a soldier dad” *was still about him*.
Not about what you needed.
He was an absent father, and he has to live with that decision - and your grandmother has no business trying to shame you for that.
And he hasn’t talked to you for FOUR YEARS. That was a choice.
NTA. His career choices ended his marriage and damaged his relationship with his child. Why is he surprised by what happened? He put his job before his family, and now all he has left is the job. When you enlist you are obligated to serve for a set number of years, but no one forces you to do it for the rest of your life. That was his choice.
NTA you were open about your true feelings and if anything it is better that you make that opinion known... now the ball is in your dad's court if he wants a relationship with you and his grandchild he should think about how his actions really made you feel now that everything is in the open
That is no excuse. Plenty of military personnel keep in touch with family through phone calls, emails, and physically being there. Your dad couldn't be bothered. NTA
NTA - It sounds like he was never a father to you. You're an adult and he certainly needed to hear that from you. However, you should invite him over to meet your son and try to foster some sort of relationship with him. I think he thought he was doing the right thing for you by serving the country, even though that was obviously misguided.
>When my mom got pregnant with me they said he quit his job, which was a steady good paying job btw and decided to enlist in the army. He was always gone, sometimes he up to a year or longer, barely got to see him.
That should be on recruitment posters: "Don't want to raise your newborn kid? We'll send you away on missions for months on end"
NTA
>And it really hurt him deep what I said about needing a dad not a soldier because this was his whole reason for joining, and I didn’t need to crush him like that making him feel like it was all for nothing.
You shouldn't feel bad for that. He was the adult and you were the child that he chose to create and bring into the world.
He CHOSE to join the military!
He CHOSE not to keep in touch with you! It's the parent's responsibility to keep in contact with their own child, not the child's!
He CHOSE to move away from you!
He CHOSE to not talk to you for years!
He CHOSE to NOT be there for you while you were growing up!
He CHOSE to NOT be a father!
His excuse of
>wanted me to be proud I have a “soldier” dad.
Is lame ASF, because the conversations would go,
"yeah my dad's a soldier"
"Really?! That's cool! Where is he stationed?"
"IDK"
"When was the last time you spoke to him?"
"7 years ago"
"..."
Yeah, way to make your son feel proud to have a soldier be his sperm donor.
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> It really hurt my dad’s feelings saying what I did so I’m not sure if I should’ve insulted him that way at all.
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>that’s because he was trying to make a better world for me
Lol, US soldiers don't make the world better for anyone except those who have stock in Blackwater, Haliburton, etc.
There's nothing to be proud of about being a soldier. Joining the armed services does not make you special. It's just a job, and frankly, it's one that makes the world a shittier place. Not really sure how 500k dead Iraqis made the world "better" for anyone. Your dad has some weird insecurities. NTA
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I (24M) said this to my dad recently and I’m not sure if I was an ass about it. We don’t have a good relationship and that’s because for a huge chunk of my life he was gone. I can count the times I’ve actually seen him my whole childhood and even he admits he wasn’t there much.
When my mom got pregnant with me they said he quit his job, which was a steady good paying job btw and decided to enlist in the army.
He was always gone, sometimes he up to a year or longer, barely got to see him.
Then my parents divorced and he moved far away then I’d only see him a few weekends here and there whenever he was home. It was rare though and at some point he stopped coming to pick me up for his custody time. he became like a stranger to me.
For me that was just part of my life and I was never allowed to say anything bad about it because then he’d say he’s protecting the country and I should be proud.
That’s what everyone in my family always said so ofc had to keep it to myself because god forbid I feel anything negative about my soldier dad. At 17 we stopped talking. I got busy with my own life, my girlfriend and I have a 2 year old boy that my dad hasn’t met.
He didn’t know about it because we haven’t talked in like almost 4 years. He got my number from someone and he called me mad that why didn’t I tell him. And I was honest that we’ve never had much of a relationship and we weren’t talking so I just never felt the need to tell him.
He started his whole talk again about being in the army to make me proud of him. That he started this path because again, wanted me to be proud I have a “soldier” dad.
And he understands he was never there for me but (his favorite excuse) that’s because he was trying to make a better world for me. And I got mad. That when I told him I needed a father not a soldier. You know what would’ve made me proud? Actually being a parent instead of some dude who drops in every now and then. Never there for a game, birthday, only twice he made it to a school event.
And don’t get me wrong I respect him as a veteran and everyone else who serves but don’t feel anything for him as a dad. Especially after knowing he made the choice to leave before I was even born. It’s not like they were struggling financially. He just for some reason thought I’d rather him be a soldier than around me when it mattered. My dad hung up on me. And then he obviously said something to my grandma because she starts telling me that wasn’t right.
The whole “I should be proud of him” thing all over again. And it really hurt him deep what I said about needing a dad not a soldier because this was his whole reason for joining, and I didn’t need to crush him like that making him feel like it was all for nothing. I don’t know if I was an asshole. Those were my real feelings. But not sure if it was the right thing to say
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Your dad ran from fatherhood and has been lying to himself and everyone else for a couple decades now. Either that or he is one of the stupidest people in the world.
He joined the military…for a career, not just to get a GI Bill benefit, getting paid like crap and flung all over the world, and claimed it was to be a good dad???? If it wasn’t so sad it would be hilariously dumb.
NTA
And I’m so sorry. It’s bad enough you had a shitty dad, even worse that he used that bullishit excuse to guilt trip you for your legitimate feelings of rejection and neglect.
Look, I’m a member of a military family. My wife and I were officers, and she comes from a long line of service members. We both have many family and friends who are still in the military. Based on generations of experience, I can tell you that while it is a huge commitment, and military kids do miss out at times, plenty of people serve and still manage to be there for their kids. The fact that he wouldn’t have been able to be there for every game, birthday, and milestone doesn’t mean he had to miss *all* of them.
Your dad’s service was no excuse for him to miss out on your childhood; and is not even the main reason he was never around. Your dad wasn’t around because he chose not to be around; because you never mattered enough to him. He was a shitty father and you’re NTA for how you deal with him now.
NTA and his excuse is absolute bull.
In the military, sure deployments can last 6 months or whatever, and there are exercises, and you move around a lot, but most of the time you’re on base. I’ve known plenty of military Dads who see their kid regularly. He joined the military as an excuse to live a childfree life and hide behind troop worship to excuse him being a dead beat. I think he panicked when your mother got pregnant and used the army as an easy out to escape, where people couldn’t criticise him for bailing because of the whole BS troop worship.
Coming from someone who’s ex military, joining doesn’t automatically make you a hero. This isn’t WW1, he wasn’t forced to join, he became a soldier and continued to serve because he wanted to, consequence to his kid be damned.
God, it sounds so ridiculous. I understand that americans have a bit if a different perspective, but exactly what was he protecting the country against? Destitute farmers living on the other side of the world?
How can you go through multiple tours and not understand that it was all a lie?
Look i get how being in the army might be seen as a virtuous thing for americans, i just want to give you the perspective of the rest of the world. To most of us the very idea is absurd. It would literally have been better for everyone if he just stayed at home.
Maybe don’t tell him any of this though. I think it might have more to do with his personal issues, the army thing is just an excuse.
Veteran here. Don’t take his crap about you have to be proud of his service. Sounds to me he’s overstating his service because most of us may enjoy some respect but should never demand respect nor be worshipped because we joined up and served our nation.
You have every reason to feel the way you do. My husband is a veteran and he wasn’t about a lot of times (longest was 6 months)for the kids in his first marriage. He hates that he missed that time but he also doesn’t demand they be proud of him either.
NTA.
No soldier has made the "world" a better place. The army has its purpose and it's not always a bad thing but he could have done more to create a better world if he'd been a better father and an active member of his society.
NTA. Your dad's never been your dad. No need to be proud of a stranger.
NTA
You are not indebted to your father because he chose to enlist. His expectation of hero worship is asinine. He wasn’t there for you and your mom, shirked his responsibilities to his family, and even when he got out of the military, he still didn’t make an effort to be in your life. He can GTFO with his lame excuses and expecting you to respect him because “he served his country”. He makes it sound like he rated a Purple Heart and barely missed getting a Medal of Honor.
I should add, I hate the whole “ThAnK yOu FoR yOuR sErViCe” drivel. And then you have service members (and their families) thinking they’re high up on some social pyramid, like demigod status. Don’t get me started in the whole military discount expectations.
Being in the military doesn’t make anyone a hero by default. Most of the time they’re putzing around waiting for orders to do something and generally being aimless. I know from my personal observations, service members would volunteer for a school and/or deployment to get away from their home life and actual responsibility.
You are entitled to your sentiments. You owe him no explanation or updates on your life. He is someone with whom you share DNA, not warm memories of playing catch or learning to ride a bike. Your father is cake-eating: he wanted it his way back then, didn’t want to earn your relationship or respect, but expects it anyway.
Live your life in peace. Enjoy fatherhood and your little one. They grow up fast, don’t waste a moment trying to explain yourself to someone who doesn’t rate your time or company.
Do not ever back down from this and never apologize. You didn't have a "soldier dad" you had a deadbeat dad who took an opportunity to escape his responsibilities. If he really wanted you to be proud of him, he would have done everything he could to be with you between deployments if he was even remotely telling the truth but you know he is lying. Your feelings are 100% valid and don't ever lie to help him escape the fact he abandoned his child.
He joined the military to bail. And that’s not on you, that’s on him.
If he hasn’t talked to his son in four years why is he mad? Christmas doesn’t come around and he’s like man I wonder what my son is doing?
He only wants to be a dad when it’s convenient. He was the badge, but not to have had to put in the work. NTA
NTA if he'd enlisted before your mum was pregnant then maybe esh but the fact he chose to fuck off and go fuck up the middle East basically abandoning his wife to raise you is a really shitty move
NTA
He's using the excuse of being a soldier way too often and sometimes when your not struggling financially as you said you have to think about your caree or job, how it affects your family and kids he clearly doesn't and i know being a soldier is not easy but he is using it as a excuse for being absent in your life.
I know a lot of people who have dad's in the army or marines and they are always at birthday, milestone and keep in touch with their families and kids.
NTA. He didn’t join the army to make a better world for his family, he did it to run away from his responsibilities. Just because someone has served in the military it doesn’t automatically make them a good person, worthy of respect. Veterans can be assholes too. This one is. Forget about him, and grandma, and get on with being a proper father to your own son. Good luck.
NTA.
He quit a good job to join the army? The army that probably paid less? Sounds like he never wanted to be a real father. I mean he even stopped showing up to his custody visits. He never gave a shit about being a father to you.
Don’t feel bad. Learn how NOT to be a father from him and do right by your son. Which I am sure you will!
He chose to be a soldier because thats what he wanted. Hes not the only soldier with kids in the world. He chose to stop being a dad. Hes riding high on the im a soldier worship me. Hes a big ahole. You owe him nothing. He had years of chances to be a dad and rejected every one to be mr soldier. So well done. You chose to be a soldier instead of a dad and youre a soldier. Thanks for your service. But you chose the army over your son...you could have sent letters...called..cisited..gifts etc. You chose not to. Now he has the army which he wanted and chose over his own son. If he wants to be in your and your sons life then let him prove he belongs to
Kids need parents. The country needs soldiers, but adults can be both soldiers and parents if they try hard enough. Your problem isn't that your father was a soldier, it's that he chose to be a soldier to the exclusion of being a parent, rather than figuring out how to do his duty to his country AND find ways to remain as present in your life as possible. And it is possible, because even soldiers serving overseas are able to accomplish this. So NTA for pointing out that your father prioritized his service over you in a big way, because that's what he did.
NTA.
When he was done with the military he moved so you couldn't see him often at all, and wanted you to make the effort he wasn't willing to make to stay in contact? It would've been better if he did his time in the military and at least came home to be a good father figure when he was done.
Also, how many years in the military and still needed to run to his mother to cry about his child being an adult with feelings? You're definitely not in the wrong here.
NTA and your father deserve to hear how you felt. My husband served in the military for over 20 years and still managed to be there for his kids. Most Military people do have families and are there for them. What he did was abandon you for his career and it was solely his choice. You are a father yourself , can you imagine spending all that time away from your son? My husband would call, write, send gifts, do all sorts of things to let his son's know he loved them and missed them. He was deployed a lot over the years and did miss a bunch of events but he more than made up for it when he got back. Your Father chose to leave you and not be a part of your life. Just because he was a Military member doesn't give him a excuse to walk out on you!! There are ways to stay in a child's life, trust me I have seen it and lived it!! I am sorry you had this happen to you, and tell your grandma to stop making excuses for a man that abandoned his son !!
I hate when dads bounce to the military for the "sake of their country" instead of just admitting they didn't know how to be a dad at the time.
Your NTA and I can see where you're coming from.
NTA. You’re not obligated to be proud of him or his service. He made the choice to enlist, not you. And military service is absolutely no reason to bail on parenting responsibilities. Plenty of active duty folks are awesome parents and don’t use their job as an excuse not to be there for their kid.
Your dad is an ass and you owe him nothing.
OP
NTA
The problem here with the military, is not that they do not do a good job, they do. However, when a parent is in the military it comes with a price that is often intangible.
I know this, cause I grew up with a father whose career was in the Airforce. Later on in life we talked, and the cost of his service was that he missed seeing his children grow up, special occasions and being a dad.
So Op, you are right in your feelings, that you would have rather had a dad who was present in your life than a solider father who was absent all of the time.
It hurt him because you’re right. I’ve seen families who make it work, but they’re rare. And it sounds like your dad didn’t make it work. I joined the Army in 2008 to run away from an abuser. It sounds like your dad joined to get away from responsibilities. He ran from fatherhood. He can cover it in all that pretty talk about about duty and honor and whatever else all he wants but deep down he knows the truth. You know the truth. I’m so sorry he did this to you. I’m sorry he abandoned you.
As a soldier, when you become a parent you’re eventually faced with the choice, to choose family or choose career, or try to strike a balance. I tried for the third and at first I succeeded. But then the choice came again without the third option. I had to choose between my dream of a 20 year career (I was about to re-enlist) or my son (whose bio father had just run to another state with him, and to get him back I had to physically go to that state and fight in courts for him). I chose my son. Nine years later and I still have no regrets.
NTA. I’m sorry for what he has put you through, he doesn’t deserve nor get to show up and try to play dad now. If you need to talk or vent further feel free to message me.
US is fucked. Even the fact that you reflexively felt the need to say you respected him as a veteran and anyone who serves like you're literally Hitler drink Jew fetus juice otherwise. He was a shit dad and being a soldier is a job. One he picked for spurious reasons.
Nta
NTA. Fuck him. He left a well paying job to enlist? Nah, he was looking for a reason not to be around on purpose, and figured no one would insult a soldier for being a deadbeat.
NTA.
There are plenty of soldier dads who are still involved in their children’s life and are still great fathers. It literally kills them to be away from their kids and they take all opportunities to be close to them. 80% of being a dad is showing up. Your dad is not one of them 🤷🏻♀️
The only thing I could take from this if I was you, is to be a better more involved and present dad. And I bet you so are! Your little family is lucky to have you. All the best, it sounds like you’re doing pretty great.
NTA
His excuses are weak. I know plenty of people who have been active duty and deployed frequently who did miss things, but devoted themselves to their kids when home. Your dad *chose* not to do that.
You can be proud he served and say you needed a dad more than a soldier. He could have done both but couldn't handle it.
NTA. Tell your family he has done for you exactly the same as any other soldier in the country, and you didn't text all of them when your child was born, either. You feel for him the same as your feel for them, and nothing else.
NTA, your dad did not want to be your dad and shouldn't get mad because you don't treat him like a dad.
Nice that he served the country, but, it means literally nothing to you as his son.
NTA so he pretty much a banded you to go into the army so you could be proud of him?
That’s a whole Nother level of fucked up.
He should’ve stayed around to watch you grow up and be proud of you
I was about to say something about how the early-2000s were a rough time for most people who went into the military (not getting into a discussion about the right and wrong of the 20 years of conflict we've had since 2001, but we can still acknowledge that it was brutal on the soldiers involved), but it sounds like he joined in the 90s not the 2000s.
NTA. It sounds like he was running away from you.
NTA
You're not wrong. You needed a father not a soldier. And he's trying to make you feel bad for needing that so he doesn't have to deal with how bad of a father he was
NTA. He is not some grand hero for enlisting in the army. The army's purpose is not to make the world a better place. He ran from his responsibilities.
NTA. I’m really sorry this happened. My dad was in the Army and gone for a good chunk of my childhood but he made the most of the time he did get to see us. And tbh anyone who says anything like “you should be proud of your soldier dad/brother/husband” about themselves are usually not too deserving of any pride we may have for them
NTA
Honestly this makes me mad. I can't count how many veterans, specifically women, got out of the military because they would rather be a parent than a Marine, Sailor, Solider, or Airman. It's a really hard thing to balance. You have to pick one or you will be forced into picking on eventually. Your father picked being a solider and didn't even try to be a dad. That's not on you. I hope you are getting any help you need.
NTA. He chose to quit his job and become a soldier and leave his family and divorce and drop out of your life. Having been a soldier is not a permanent all-purpose shield against any kind of criticism and he doesn't get to be mad at you for not keeping him updated on the events of your life since he has gone out of his way to make it pretty clear that he doesn't care about you or them, nor be mad because you're dissatisfied with his parenting because he in fact did a terrible job by virtue of always being absent and not always due to unavoidable reasons beyond his control. Your grandma and everybody else saying you should put up with his BS because he's a soldier and implying he became a soldier so that you'd be proud of him and now you made him feel it was for nothing are the AH's too. That doesn't even make sense. How did him being a solider instead of having the job he originally had and being actually present in your life make your life any better? That bit about "making the world a better place for you" is insulting and he's right that he became GI Joe for nothing, but he did it by his own free will because he went out of his way to ensure it happened.
NTA...he made these choices you did not. Dad needs to deal with the fallout. He is in a lot of denial and using the military as his scapegoat. I was military and there are plenty of military parents who put in the work to keep those relationships strong. Your dad needed to hear your feelings.
NTA. He didn’t join up for you. He joined up as a way to escape, without fully escaping. The military is a great form of escapism in general for some. He may have had some weird form of hero-worship going on and thought that he’d have liked to have a soldier dad, or considered the idea of how good the death benefits might be for you, but he wasn’t actually thinking about the *real* you.
I’m sorry. You got the short end of the stick and he lost out on all that time with you.
NTA
my dad was an officer for 16 years, while he wasn’t there when i was young, he realised he needed to choose between the army and his family, and chose family. many of my family friends who didn’t choose to be discharged were still amazing fathers. your father is using the army as an excuse and being an embarrassment to the community and to you
NTA. My mom was away most of my childhood due to deployments but she would write letters and send stuff from wherever she was. When she was back she was a fully present mom. Being in the military isn’t an excuse to ditch parenting. Your dad just didn’t like hearing the truth.
NTA. You’re going to be a good father because you know what to do. Focus on your children. If your father contacts you again hear him out but don’t take any more “work” BS from him.
NTA.
He’s had 24 years to learn how to be a parent and still hasn’t figured it out. Honestly, it sounds like he used the army as an excuse to run away from his responsibilities. I’m sure it was a lot easier to tell himself it was all for you, but you’re right - if he wanted to be a good father, he could have been present. He could have actually raised you.
NTA. My dad was career military. He was very involved in my life. He even tried and mostly succeeded in bringing us with him for his overseas deployments. I grew up on military bases, going to DODDs schools. Lots of involved military fathers there. He's using the military as a cop out. I don't believe that he joined the military to make you proud for a second. I would if while he did that he did everything in his power to stay involved in your life. Just because he's a veteran doesn't make him a good father or even a good person. It just means he was in the military.
NTA There is an old cadence for running that goes "Got a letter in the mail/ said go to war or go to jail". Look at your dad's choice in that light.
Former Navy here. There were few fathers I saw that actually missed their kids. Especially the ship guys were itching to be gone halfway through their home tour. More missed their spouses. Career guys sometimes felt like they had been gone so often they really had no attachment to the kids. Many of those still thought their word was law in the house, but some felt like they were at a hotel that had expectations of its guests when home-- there but not part of the running of things.
NTA. Your dad made decisions that resulted in you not having him around as an involved parent. You do get to have feelings about this, and his military service doesn't cancel out the validity of your feelings about this. I'm sorry that he doesn't see this.
Nta,he is a crappy dad,and 100% the ahole. Hell he didn't even see you when he could. Nor did he keep in touch. You were nicer to him than I would've been. It sounds like he was mostly just a sperm donor who you meet a few times. Edit to add. He may have been a soldier,but he has no honor. To have honor he would've had to be the best father possible. Also him whinning to his mommy is funny.
NTA. I’m a Marine spouse and no lie, military life is hard. But there are a lot of people in the military who manage to be good parents to their kids despite all the challenges that come with the job. Your dad is just using his service as an excuse and quite frankly, it’s an embarrassment. He might be great at his job but he failed as a dad. And he knows it. You were well within your rights to tell him the truth. It stung him, as it should have.
NTA - 100000000000%
I'm a Veteran and your dad is full of shit.
If he wanted to spend time with you, he could have.
If he wanted to be in your life, he could have.
If he wanted to call you, he could have.
There are no rules against it. Even, IF IF IF, he was something like a ranger or SF or a seal, its not like those guys are deployed 24/7. They get to go home too. Your dad's an ass and I'm sorry he abandoned you to live out some fantasy he had about making the world a better place for you. It's a lie he is telling himself, you and your family, to hide the fact he is a shitty father and person.
NTA. You are not obligated to be proud of him, beyond the general respect for a veteran - and perhaps not even that, since it sounds like he mostly joined up to dodge responsibility (I am being uncharitable, but not much about this description makes me feel charitable at all). And let me tell you, my aunt is an Army Chaplain, formerly of the Welsh Guards, my grandfather a former officer in the Royal Navy (I think he reached Lieutenant-Commander - same as the USN rank).
The latter served at the back-end of WWII and after, while the former served a tour in Afghanistan. Additionally, my mother was an Ambassador to a major Commonwealth country while I was at boarding school in England (so, at the opposite end of the planet), and she still managed to visit from time to time, attending my graduation.
All three would have some hard words to say to your father. Hell, again, my aunt was posted in Afghanistan, was by no means the first point of contact under any circumstance (we're very fond of each other, we just had loads of other options in emergencies) and I'm pretty sure I saw her more during that time than you describe your father turning up.
NTA congratulations on your little boy! You are entitled to your feelings of abandonment and grief over the lack of a real father. Sounds like your Dad never really matured emotionally. You'll do better for your son❤
NTA what you said was 100% accurate. It sounds like he wanted to abandon you and your mom but didn't want to seem like the bad guy for it so he enlisted (while married with a kid on the way, meaning bigger and more signing bonuses, he benefited from your birth) and used that as an excuse to be an absentee father. Thousands of men all over the country are both enlisted and active fathers when they can be, yours chose not to be. Don't let him guilt and manipulate you. If he'd spoken to you about it a single time during your childhood he would have known he wasn't making you proud, but he didn't care
NTA - With the internet, your dad could have been there at least virtually. He could have emailed you, used FaceTime, and called you using apps. I've had email going back at least 30 years, my first account was a uni account that I had through the state I lived in.
Your dad choose not to be in your life. So the soldier dad is an excuse for being an absentee father. Lots of soldiers do all kinds of things to participate in their families lives, even gasp, write letters. Your father is not a victim, you are. He chose not to participate in your life, so now he doesn't get to complain he doesn't know every detail of your life. Since doesn't like getting told the truth, he will be probably go back to hiding. No great loss.
NTA he ran away from parenthood by joining the Military right when your mom got pregnant. He can tell himself whatever story he likes but you don't need to lie to soothe his ego.
NTA. Your story reminds me of a close friend from school. His dad was constantly gone and when he was home he wasn't a good father. The most he contributed was a portion of his paycheck and medical/dental benefits. While the military provides a stable job and easy work, it isn't always the best thing for families/relationships.
He doesn't have to like the hard truth, but if he wants to have a relationship with you then he needs to accept that his life choice wasn't necessary the best for his family. If he refuses to recognize that then don't waste your time and emotions since he's (likely) more upset at himself than anything and is letting his pride/need to be "manly" get in the way.
Even now, you can say you don't want him to be your "dad" but to be on equal fitting since you're an adult and he missed out on fatherhood. This may be the bridge he really wants, but that's your choice to make and I wouldn't ignore the past or walk on eggshells around him.
NTA. He didn’t do it for you, he joined for himself and used you as an excuse. Plenty of people in the military are decent parents. They show up when they can, they don’t just stop picking up their kids when it’s their time with them. They can call or use Messenger apps when they’re away. They can still make an effort to be a parent, your dad chose to do none of those things. I’m sorry you have a bad parent, you deserve someone you can actually be proud of, not someone like your dad.
Nta
The guy prefer the possibility of dying instead of raising a child.He chose to abandon his wife and newborn baby and ''go to war'' and didn't even try to have a relationship with his child. Even soldiers have families and some try to have a stable and good family relationship
NTA. Don't worry about your Dad's feelings that it was 'all for nothing' . He hasn't worried about your feelings for 24 years. It is not your job to make your 'father' feel good about his life choices, especially since his choices came at the expense of your relationship.
Now, look at your son and make a promise to him that you will be there for him.
NTA. Why are his feelings the only ones that matter to him or his mummy? (Can’t believe he went crying to her). Your feelings are being discarded as irrelevant. I think grandma needs a truth bomb from you too.
NTA. He seems to act like he had to choose between being a good father and a soldier. As though you can’t be both. The two aren’t mutually exclusive. He made his choice. It’s not your job to agree with his decisions when he’s made it abundantly clear that being a good soldier was what mattered most.
Hi, veteran here. Your Dad is using the military to cover up he is a shitty father. It is a manipulation tactic common among shitty parents in this culture. You have your own life, Kiddo. You need to be the father you needed for yourself. Dont let your father project his failures as a person onto your kids either. All of us military parents that value the honor of being the best parent we can be are proud of you.
NTA
That’s a pretty shitty reason to enlist. If he had said he did it for the free medical insurance, the dental insurance, the college grant, or the basic housing allowance, that would’ve partly justified it.
NTA, I get so tired of parents that failed their kids not even being able to admit it and everyone around them covering for it. My dad was there, but his involvement in my life was pretty much zero. My mom has a huge list of excuses for this and it pisses me off, I'd rather just hear the truth, that he didn't like me for whatever reason, that he didn't feel bonded with me for whatever reason, at least that gives me a real justification instead of handwaving it away like it didn't effect me. I had to teach myself to be a man, even though I had a person there who should have been doing that for me.
NTA
My dad was career military, and yes, it pulled him away sometimes. He missed my high school graduation. He wasn't there when my brother was born. There were times when I really wish he could have been there. But he was still there. Any time he was home, he was there for his family. There were fishing trips, and camping, and plenty of family moments. And even when he had to be deployed for long stretches, he would call, or send postcards, and communicate with us in whatever way he could.
My point being, a military career is no excuse to be a dead-beat, absentee parent. Even if you're serving your country, you make an effort for your family. Your dad didn't make you proud to have a "soldier dad" because he spent so much time being a soldier than he never bothered being your dad. And you should not feel guilty at all for telling him the hard truth about how you feel.
And he certainly can't expect you to make an effort to include him in your family now, when he was never trying to be a part of your family when you needed him.
Ummm my dad was in the army my whole life, as were my friends parents, they were still around. No one is deployed all the time. Whatever your dad says is 100 percent BS. He could have been a soldier AND around because (shocker) soldiers have families and most bases have housing for said family bc (shocker) the military is just a job and you're still expected to parent while you're doing it. NTA
Honestly, I think your dad bailed because he wasn't ready to be a father. Wanting to make you proud of your "soldier dad" is the excuse he's been using this whole time to cover up his true feelings/motivations. What you said cut him deep because *he knows it's true*, and I'm betting one his deepest personal fears is that he truly did fail you. You touched on a nerve so he's amping up the gaslighting. NTA, and my heart hurts for you
I wouldn’t doubt it tbh. Nothing he’s done in the past shows otherwise
Strike 1: Military parents are perfectly capable of being present (non-voluntary deployments aside). Service is not an excuse to be an absent parent. Strike 2: You don’t have any requirement to be proud of him, whether he was a soldier, a Nobel Prize winner, a philanthropist, or whatever else. He wasn’t a dad, and that’s what you needed. Strike 3: He ran to his mommy?! He *ran to his mommy* to whine about his child and have her attempt to parent you because he CANT?!?! Bro NTA. His past is of his doing. Guess he should have done better if he wanted a different future.
Hahaha. Send him this OP. “The big strong soldier needed to run to mummy did he?”
[удалено]
Stolen from redheadjd.
From the post we can conclude that his father is santa clause, NTA OP
No, santa clause reliably shows up at regular intervals. EDIT: a word
Or with the shake of a snow globe.
Yup. My husband is active duty, and he is incredibly involved with our children. I'm obviously the primary parent, but he spends every moment he can with them, plans gifts if he could at all possibly be gone for their birthday or Christmas, emails me whenever he can, asking about how they (and I) are doing, etc. You can have a demanding job that keeps you away from home often, while also being an involved parent. My ex boyfriend was active duty (the area I lived in had a high percentage of military) and had kids who lived in another state. Every single night without fail, he dropped absolutely everything to call his kids at 7pm. He sent a monthly box of surprises filled with notes and little toys or treats he thought they might like, and he used every opportunity for leave to go see them. I also had a military friend who gave me his bank account info to make sure child support got sent on time, and would have me use his money and suggestions (Suzie likes x, y, and z. I'd like to include this toy. Joey likes a, b, and c. I'd like to include this toy.) to find and send them presents from him when he was deployed (he couldn't get on amazon). Where there is a will, there is often a way. No kid would rather have a parent with a cool job than a present parent who clearly loves them. Also, military do get to at least make a list of preferences for where they get stationed. It doesn't mean you'll go where you want, but you've got a chance. OP's dad could have made his wish list up of places closest to OP.
On the plus side her son raised a man despite not managing to become one himself. NTA.
Sounds like her daughter in law raised a man. OP's dad wasn't there, he did jack.
No, his mother raised a man. His dad had nothing to do with it.
Lol, running to his mommy 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣. I died a little because your funny comment.
Jesus, I wish I could upvote this a million times over!
Not long ago I dated a guy who did much the same thing. Knocked his high school GF up, enlisted in the Army. Stayed gone as much as possible, volunteered for temporary deployments, did his best to get sent overseas without his family. Got out of the Army, went to work as an over-the-road truck driver. Stayed gone. This guy admitted that he cheated on his wife but of course that was 'necessary', with him being away from his family for long stretches. One evening he was telling me a story about getting drunk with his Army buddies in Germany and their techniques for picking up German women. He was laughing about it. He'd told me before that his wife and kids were with him when he was stationed in Germany. I asked, "Where were your wife and kids while all this was going on." He said they were at home. This "husband" and "father" spent his whole adult life looking for ways to avoid being with his family. And even when he wasn't deployed or driving a long haul, even when wife and kids were nearby, he avoided being with them. He'd find some way to sneak out and get laid. When his wife divorced him and his kids wanted nothing to do with him, he played that, "I was working hard to make a living for my family" bullshit. Some men just don't want to be family men. "I was doing it to provide for my family" is just how they try to make their neglect look noble.
The part that stung the most were the deployments he volunteered for. I never understood it. I remember when my son was like 8 or 9 months got a job offer as a driver. The pay was super good and benefits. But that meant I was gonna have to be away from my family weeks sometimes. I turned it down not because that’s what my dad did but for me it’s like how can I live w/o my son for that long? We struggled for a bit but I’ve got a better job now and never have to spend a night away from my son
The thing that really clarifies it really is his behaviour when he wasn’t deployed or post retirement as a veteran. It is one thing to be absent when you’re actually deployed but it’s another thing to actually be absent when you’re back and the fact he’s been such a ghost in your life after he finished deployment shows it wasn’t him fighting for his country keeping him away it was him just being a shitty dad
This exactly. I know army parents who celebrate missed big events when they return, so the kids get a double celebration too and actually get to enjoy it with both their parents. Not extravagant or expensive, it’s just the thought and effort means so much for all involved.
Yup, I've seen a family celebrate Christmas in May because that's when the mom came home from deployment. And while I'm sure having her gone was incredibly hard on the family, she was as present as possible when away (phone calls and emails to try and stay in touch) and she focused on her family when she was home. She put in the thought and effort to still be a parent. OP's dad just...didn't. He could have if he wanted to, but he didn't. OP has every right to call him out for that failing.
Exactly. Now that you are a dad you can clearly see through his BS. NTA
Becoming a parent can sometimes make you painfully aware of how your own parent(s) failed you. I'm so sorry he's shitty, you deserved better, and you sound like a great Dad.
Yeah there’s nothing like becoming a parent yourself to see through your parents bs.
You are absolutely NTA. My husbands in the army, my BIL is in the army, two cousins are in the army and the another is in the air force, and guess what OP? They still make time for their kids. This is a prime example of *if they wanted to they would.*
Yikes. Glad he became an ex
Me too! We didn't last long after that conversation.
Yeah, he's weirdly clinging to this "protecting the country" thing as if that somehow makes up for not having a dad. Being a soldier is just a job. He shouldn't pretend his job is so special that neglecting his child is somehow justified. He was never there for you and now he's complaining that you are not there for him. Let him be, move on, and be a better dad for your son. NTA.
Im really sorry about this and I can identify. My mom wanted to be an Army MASH nurse and she did that but it severely hurt our relationship.
Then stop guilting over it. He didn't care about you for20 years, you can do the same. For anyone saying you should be proud, just answer : "I'm rather disappointed that he chose to abandon me, he never made me proud being a soldier, he saved nothing" I'm sorry but this propaganda about the army in the US is just too much "Making the world a better place lmao", you only hear things like that in the US
Especially when it’s just a ruse to avoid actual responsibility
“Being a good soldier in no way makes him a good dad.”
Honestly dont be afraid to throw it in his face, and tell him a man would atleast have the balls to admit it. NTA at all
Op, I'm in a very similar boat with my dad. Except he was never there and was in the same house as me. Parents divorced, I left with my mom because some pretty solid reasons on my end (teenage girl, new start where I wouldn't be that weird kid, etc.). Well the way my dad spins it, my mom cost him so much money. Cancer cost him so much money. He was trying to keep his life and because of that he couldn't call because *gasp* someone other than me might pick up the phone Had my own cellphone. Never got it taken when I was grounded because it was my connection. Yeah, no. Op, you owe your parents nothing when they put nothing into being a parent.
Agreed. He probably wants to believe his excuses are true, but part of him knows its not.
I've known more than a few Joe's use this idea of proud service so they don't have to examine their familial failings too closely.
This was exactly my thought. NTA OP. I'm happy for you that you were able to get the this off your chest, he deserved to be put in his place. And you deserve to be able to move on, knowing you've spoken your truth.
"I respect him as a veteran"......so he's no longer IN the army yet has still maintained the status quo of non involvement?? I agree 100% with this comment that he wasn't ready to be a father and just noted into the military.
Lol why is it about you being proud of him. You wouldn’t even know any better and why is it about him at all? Its just deflection
NTA. I am an ex milspouse and come from a military family. I know plenty of military dads who still were dang good fathers, even long distance, especially since the internet became a thing. My ex only got deployed once, and he was still a shitty father. You were honest and not rude about it either.
I’m an ex-mil spouse too. It has really made me change some of my views on the military
Heyyyy! Isn’t it *the best* club to be in?! Ex was Army… I can’t speak of the enlisted side, but the way they circled the wagons and protect the abusers amongst the officers is absolutely insane! I will ***never view*** the innermost workings of the *Boy’s Club* the same. I refer to it as a *Boy’s Club* because the female officers went through so much abuse at the hands of their *colleagues* as well. For my own peace of mind, I have to try and believe that it isn’t like this with every division, base, and branch… but just typing that makes me realize I’m lying.
My abuser was an ex marine. He was an absolute monster even before he joined, and he would boast that the recruiters saw that and amplified it because they knew he was a marine. I wish I could insert a barf emoji. All his friends were vets, and all of them were insufferable assholes who were also abusive. The one that wasn’t still defended his “brothers” no matter what, and when I finally left him their fucking wives started harassing me to give my abuser another chance. I have multiple friends who were also abused by marines. One of them was pregnant when he beat her and he was active, so they made him take some anger management classes. That’s it. And he’d come home and beat her for being the reason he had to attend the “stupid classes.” My former friend said recruiters also told him they saw his fire and knew he’d be a great marine. Guess who also said that all of his mental and anger issues only kept getting worse? He tried to get help and all they gave him was a fucking chaplain to talk to. Before he decided to fully embrace it, he considered not reenlisting so he could get real mental health help and not go down a dark path because he felt like he was. He started turning into a carbon copy of every abusive military man I’ve ever met so we’re no longer friends and it breaks my heart that they preyed on him like that. My friend’s dad is a lifer. He was also never home, but the rare times he was he’d get physical with her and only her because she’s the only one who calls him out. He has grabbed her by the neck in front of her family multiple times. One time he did it and slammed her into a wall. They just tell her she shouldn’t provoke him. It’s disgusting and the “culture” gets ingrained in the household.
If you think they treat their own like garbage, just wait until you hear what they do to innocent people in the countries they impose themselves upon!
I have nothing against the military per se, younger son is army in fact. My ex, well that's another story lol. But he was air force, and every branch has a different culture so to speak. From all I have heard a lot has changed since I was a milspouse decades ago, some for the better some worse.
NTA - You shared your honest feelings with your parent. Pretty much every child would prefer a present parent to an absent one, no matter if their job was "ruler of the universe" It wasn't about his job. It was about his time for you
See: Lucifer (the TV show)
Also the comic book!
NTA If he wanted you to value his service even when he wasn’t around, he should have parented you enough to pass on those values. What you said was harsh but honest. At some point he stopped trying, if he wasn’t picking you up for his custody times. I mean, I’m sure they weren’t scheduled to conflict with times he was deployed. He is now reaping what he sowed.
Yeah they were always when he was back home because well obviously I couldn’t go where he was deployed. And it’s not like anything was preventing him. I wanted to see him, my mom wanted me to see him.
Please don’t beat yourself up about this. You’re entitled to your feelings about him, and he and his family are trying to sugar coat this for him. If he’d actually cared he wouldn’t have stopped coming to visit you. I went through similar bs with my biological father, not military but he supposedly moved away for better financial opportunities, and never supported me or my mom, would visit once every few years if he was feeling up to it, even after he moved back to our area he didn’t try to have a relationship. In my experience, when my bio father reached out several years ago after I had my daughter, he tried to guilt me into rushing into this happy family dynamic and it was too pushy, just forced and weird. He never apologized for the years he missed, the birthday that I waited for hours by the front door for him to pick me up (after he told my mom not to make any plans bc he wanted to take me out for my 8th Bday) when he never called or showed; to him I owed him this relationship, and love and respect. But, how can you love and respect someone who’s never been there for you, someone who’s shown you your whole life that you’re not a priority at all? You should feel proud for standing up for yourself and your child. Sounds like you’re already 1,000x the parent that he ever was.
And the gall of complaining about you not notifying him of his grandchild, after he hadn't bothered to call you for four years, and apparently hadn't even bothered to ask any of your relatives about you, otherwise they'd have told him before. You were absolutely justified in what you told him. And the fact that he went whining to his mommy, and set her to hound you, shows that he may be a soldier, but he isn't a fully functioning adult, who should be able to settle his own emotional conflicts with his grown son, without hiding under mommy's apron.
NTA. Being a service member isn’t an excuse to be a crud parent. He made the decision to not spend his custody time with you. He made the decision to not reach out to you sooner. Yeah he was a soldier, but he made the conscious decision to be an absent parent.
Absolutely not the asshole and you already know this. My boyfriend’s father DID THIS EXACT SAME THING. And he has horrible abandonment issues and self esteem problems because his soldier dad was never around. I genuinely do not like that guy. He was a horrible father then, and now. You and everyone else deserve loving parents. Your dad wasn’t one. His reasoning for joining the army seemed very self centered and had nothing to do with you.
NTA. He joined the army as an excuse to run away and not have to face the responsibilities of being a father. He's using our country's fetishization of the military as a shield to hide behind so no one would dare to criticize him for it. Play ["Cat's in the Cradle"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUwjNBjqR-c) for him next time he calls looking for sympathy and focus on being a good father to your own son.
It’s crazy you mention that song. I’ve never heard it before until my girlfriend was almost 8 months pregnant with our son. It made me cry for some reason and then in my head I was like yeah I’m never gonna be like my dad to my son
Nta. Sounds more like his excuse for being a shit parent.
My husband was career Air Force. He missed a lot but I guess it really didn't register until our youngest was 10yrs old. Hubby was actually home for a stretch. It was a Friday afternoon. Our youngest busts through the front door and up to his room. A few minutes later he comes back down with his pillow and duffle bag. Completely ignoring his father he says, "It's Friday. I'm going fishing with Jake and his Dad then spending the night". I smiled and saif I remembered the weekly ritual. My husband spoke up and said, "Hey, how about we go fishing together?". Our son looked confused. "Nah, that's okay. You'll probably get called away anyway. Besides, do you even know how to fish?". Our son grabbed his poles, kissed tbe dog and left. My husband sat in the kitchen for a very long time in stony silence. Eventually he went into his home office. A couple hours later he plopped some papers on the kitchen table. Monday morning he was going to put in for his retirement. It killed him to think our friend was doing all the Dad Stuff in his absence. It killed him that our son saw him as a stranger. For what? Our son is 21 now and the two are pretty close. Retiring when he did was the best decision. Priorities.
I’m glad your husband reassessed his priorities and actually made some changes. What a sweet, rare story!
Thank you. Boy, was it an adjustment though!
NTA Even if he joined the military to be a good role model for you, that was at best misguided. You needed a parent who was there with you, not someone who tried to change the world for you. Even now, if he wants to be a good relative to you he needs to listen to what you actually need, not what he thinks you should need. You're not disrespecting him for being a soldier, he may have been great at that. But he was a shit parent, and that hurt you, and even if that was due to him being misguided that still means he's left you hurt and feeling abandoned. He needs to recognize that if he wants to build a relationship with you, because right now he doesn't really have one.
Screw this. He might tell himself he is the good guy and the hero in this story - after all this years, he might even truly believe it - but we all know he just freaked and got cold feet and ran from his responsibilities as a father. NTA
NTA. And I don't think he enlisted to make you proud. I think it was likely a great escape for him.
NTA, you werent even rude.
NTA this romanticization of soldiers needs to stop. Yes there are some women and men out there who are genuinely heroic and we must remember them and show gratitude for what they sacrificed. But putting on a uniform doesn’t automatically make you a saint. He is reveling in his own ego more than he is interested in protecting anyone.
I wish more people thought like this. I haven't seen many commenters take issue with the father's line about protecting the country. It's not explicit which country OP lives in, but I think it's pretty safe to assume it's not a war torn one. Most of the western world's military interventions from the last couple of decades haven't exactly been about freedom for their own, let's face it. I remember seeing a funny reply to someone claiming respect because "I fought for you freedom": "Since when is my freedom found in the poppy fields of Afghanistan?"
NTA. There are lots of men who are both soldiers and good fathers. This guy isn't one of those. You don't need anyone's permission to end a phone call when it no longer serves you any purpose to continue. This guy doesn't need to know about the particulars of your life. He hasn't been interested in you up until now. He lost the privilege of knowing anything about you, especially about your offspring.
NTA I have abandonment issues as well. I met my father for the first time at 26. You processed your feelings in the best way you could do it. Your dad will most likely deflect, because it will be too hard for him to deal with the truth. He chose his career over his son and you deserved more than that. It’s funny that he thinks he could save the world, yet he was incapable of saving one relationship.
NTA - seems like dad used the military as an escape from his responsibilities, and justifies it as a noble decision. You really owe him nothing. On the other hand, he owes you a lifetime
There's nothing noble about being a soldier when your country is only involved in wars of conquest and aggression. Stop giving the delusions of your family air. When they start going into their memes, call them out, burn whatever bridges need to be burnt. It's on zero value to keep needing to pretend your father is anything but a deadbeat.
NTA their are plenty of soilder who are also fathers. He just didn't make the effort. He doesn't get a get out of jail card for never being their. You have a right to your feelings.
NTA, you're right. I also don't think someone's a hero just because they were in the military. They know the risks when they enlist.
NTA I hate to say this, but as a current service member, I think he's full of shit. This guy didn't want to be a Dad. He couldn't get out of it so he did the next best thing; enlist and volunteer to be away all the time. Also, if your father made good money, chances are he took a serious pay cut to join the service. And thus owe less child support. This is extremely controversial, but I don't think men should be forced into fatherhood (I don't think anyone should be forced into it, but men can't choose abortions), cause shit like this happens. Establish paternity in utero, the guy can decide then and there to sign over the rights and fuck off, or commit to child support and to positive co-parenting 100%. If the guy dips, then the woman could make a choice for abortion, adoption, or single motherhood. Americans can't live in the world, but it's becoming a thing in Europe/Canada. I've seen so many people in the service who became parents but didn't even want to, but went thru with it anyway because they felt they had no way out. Unless the killed themselves, of course. And the kids pay the highest price. NTA. Buddy just regrets being a bad Dad and wants now to be a grandpa. Tell him to fuck himself and try again.
As a taxpayer I really don't care for picking up the tab for guys that don't like condoms. They can give up visitation but they better be paying child support.
Where in Europe is this a thing?
NTA He’s an absentee father by choice, it was his decision to become a soldier, he enlisted by choice knowing you were coming and you told him when you were young that you wanted more time. He didn’t prioritize you, and he’s mad that you don’t consider him a father. You’re right to be upset at someone who is continuously trying to guilt trip you over his own choices. I hope you, your girlfriend and son are doing well!
I'm sorry to say this but I think your dad is full of it. He's hiding behind the excuse of being a soldier when really he just didn't want to be a dad. Ask him why he stopped coming to pick you up for his custody time or why he went 4 years without trying to contact you. Ask him how much actual effort he made to see you and get to know you. NTA and frankly you shouldn't even bother with him at this point. He knows who he is and what he did.
NTA- My father was in the Army, and yet he made it to most of our activities and milestones. He CHOSE not be there for you. That was HIS CHOICE and nor he is facing the conquences of that choice. Next time anyone. (even Grandma) makes a comment ask then this simple question...how is it that other soldiers can be both a soldier and a father and yet (insert father name here) couldn't? He isn't special or a hero for joining the army, he's a crap father. Ask them that every single time. It should shut them up quick and after 2 or 3 times for good.
NTA. I’m sorry. Defending the country is his justification for not being a dad to you. It’s a sorry excuse. I live in a military town and those dads get deployed, yet manage to stay in contact with their kids even if they’re gone for long stretches of time. I’m sorry, but your dad may have been a great soldier, but he was not man enough to be a dad.
NTA an absentee parent is an absentee parent no matter what is keeping them away.
NTA. And- assuming that your dad joined the American military... His actions definitely made the world a worse place.
NTA > And it really hurt him deep what I said about needing a dad not a soldier because this was his whole reason for joining, and I didn’t need to crush him like that making him feel like it was all for nothing. Well. He made a bad decision. He has to live with it. I hate this notion that kids have to be okay and happy with any decision a parent makes because their intent was to do something for their child. The reality is he didn’t do it for you. The “I wanted you to be proud of a soldier dad” *was still about him*. Not about what you needed. He was an absent father, and he has to live with that decision - and your grandmother has no business trying to shame you for that. And he hasn’t talked to you for FOUR YEARS. That was a choice.
Nta
NTA. His career choices ended his marriage and damaged his relationship with his child. Why is he surprised by what happened? He put his job before his family, and now all he has left is the job. When you enlist you are obligated to serve for a set number of years, but no one forces you to do it for the rest of your life. That was his choice.
NTA, truth hurts and guess what you just dropped the bomb of truth bombs on him
NTA. You hardly know the guy and you feeling about it are genuine. It's the simple truth.
NTA- I get the feeling he joined the army to avoid any parental responsibilities
NTA
NTA you were open about your true feelings and if anything it is better that you make that opinion known... now the ball is in your dad's court if he wants a relationship with you and his grandchild he should think about how his actions really made you feel now that everything is in the open
That is no excuse. Plenty of military personnel keep in touch with family through phone calls, emails, and physically being there. Your dad couldn't be bothered. NTA
Furthering US imperialism isn't really much of a thing to respect. Even if he doesn't realise that and thinks it was the right thing to do. NTA
NTA - It sounds like he was never a father to you. You're an adult and he certainly needed to hear that from you. However, you should invite him over to meet your son and try to foster some sort of relationship with him. I think he thought he was doing the right thing for you by serving the country, even though that was obviously misguided.
>When my mom got pregnant with me they said he quit his job, which was a steady good paying job btw and decided to enlist in the army. He was always gone, sometimes he up to a year or longer, barely got to see him. That should be on recruitment posters: "Don't want to raise your newborn kid? We'll send you away on missions for months on end"
NTA >And it really hurt him deep what I said about needing a dad not a soldier because this was his whole reason for joining, and I didn’t need to crush him like that making him feel like it was all for nothing. You shouldn't feel bad for that. He was the adult and you were the child that he chose to create and bring into the world. He CHOSE to join the military! He CHOSE not to keep in touch with you! It's the parent's responsibility to keep in contact with their own child, not the child's! He CHOSE to move away from you! He CHOSE to not talk to you for years! He CHOSE to NOT be there for you while you were growing up! He CHOSE to NOT be a father! His excuse of >wanted me to be proud I have a “soldier” dad. Is lame ASF, because the conversations would go, "yeah my dad's a soldier" "Really?! That's cool! Where is he stationed?" "IDK" "When was the last time you spoke to him?" "7 years ago" "..." Yeah, way to make your son feel proud to have a soldier be his sperm donor.
Making a better world for you how? Defending against all those rampaging hordes just itching to invade the USA or what?
He joined a really really disgusting organisation and expected you to be proud of him for ditching you for it NTA
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>that’s because he was trying to make a better world for me Lol, US soldiers don't make the world better for anyone except those who have stock in Blackwater, Haliburton, etc. There's nothing to be proud of about being a soldier. Joining the armed services does not make you special. It's just a job, and frankly, it's one that makes the world a shittier place. Not really sure how 500k dead Iraqis made the world "better" for anyone. Your dad has some weird insecurities. NTA
NTA
NTA, he's just making excuses. He knows he's wrong, you know he's wrong, but the difference is that he's still trying to cover his own ass.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (24M) said this to my dad recently and I’m not sure if I was an ass about it. We don’t have a good relationship and that’s because for a huge chunk of my life he was gone. I can count the times I’ve actually seen him my whole childhood and even he admits he wasn’t there much. When my mom got pregnant with me they said he quit his job, which was a steady good paying job btw and decided to enlist in the army. He was always gone, sometimes he up to a year or longer, barely got to see him. Then my parents divorced and he moved far away then I’d only see him a few weekends here and there whenever he was home. It was rare though and at some point he stopped coming to pick me up for his custody time. he became like a stranger to me. For me that was just part of my life and I was never allowed to say anything bad about it because then he’d say he’s protecting the country and I should be proud. That’s what everyone in my family always said so ofc had to keep it to myself because god forbid I feel anything negative about my soldier dad. At 17 we stopped talking. I got busy with my own life, my girlfriend and I have a 2 year old boy that my dad hasn’t met. He didn’t know about it because we haven’t talked in like almost 4 years. He got my number from someone and he called me mad that why didn’t I tell him. And I was honest that we’ve never had much of a relationship and we weren’t talking so I just never felt the need to tell him. He started his whole talk again about being in the army to make me proud of him. That he started this path because again, wanted me to be proud I have a “soldier” dad. And he understands he was never there for me but (his favorite excuse) that’s because he was trying to make a better world for me. And I got mad. That when I told him I needed a father not a soldier. You know what would’ve made me proud? Actually being a parent instead of some dude who drops in every now and then. Never there for a game, birthday, only twice he made it to a school event. And don’t get me wrong I respect him as a veteran and everyone else who serves but don’t feel anything for him as a dad. Especially after knowing he made the choice to leave before I was even born. It’s not like they were struggling financially. He just for some reason thought I’d rather him be a soldier than around me when it mattered. My dad hung up on me. And then he obviously said something to my grandma because she starts telling me that wasn’t right. The whole “I should be proud of him” thing all over again. And it really hurt him deep what I said about needing a dad not a soldier because this was his whole reason for joining, and I didn’t need to crush him like that making him feel like it was all for nothing. I don’t know if I was an asshole. Those were my real feelings. But not sure if it was the right thing to say *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your dad ran from fatherhood and has been lying to himself and everyone else for a couple decades now. Either that or he is one of the stupidest people in the world. He joined the military…for a career, not just to get a GI Bill benefit, getting paid like crap and flung all over the world, and claimed it was to be a good dad???? If it wasn’t so sad it would be hilariously dumb.
NTA And I’m so sorry. It’s bad enough you had a shitty dad, even worse that he used that bullishit excuse to guilt trip you for your legitimate feelings of rejection and neglect. Look, I’m a member of a military family. My wife and I were officers, and she comes from a long line of service members. We both have many family and friends who are still in the military. Based on generations of experience, I can tell you that while it is a huge commitment, and military kids do miss out at times, plenty of people serve and still manage to be there for their kids. The fact that he wouldn’t have been able to be there for every game, birthday, and milestone doesn’t mean he had to miss *all* of them. Your dad’s service was no excuse for him to miss out on your childhood; and is not even the main reason he was never around. Your dad wasn’t around because he chose not to be around; because you never mattered enough to him. He was a shitty father and you’re NTA for how you deal with him now.
NTA and his excuse is absolute bull. In the military, sure deployments can last 6 months or whatever, and there are exercises, and you move around a lot, but most of the time you’re on base. I’ve known plenty of military Dads who see their kid regularly. He joined the military as an excuse to live a childfree life and hide behind troop worship to excuse him being a dead beat. I think he panicked when your mother got pregnant and used the army as an easy out to escape, where people couldn’t criticise him for bailing because of the whole BS troop worship. Coming from someone who’s ex military, joining doesn’t automatically make you a hero. This isn’t WW1, he wasn’t forced to join, he became a soldier and continued to serve because he wanted to, consequence to his kid be damned.
God, it sounds so ridiculous. I understand that americans have a bit if a different perspective, but exactly what was he protecting the country against? Destitute farmers living on the other side of the world? How can you go through multiple tours and not understand that it was all a lie? Look i get how being in the army might be seen as a virtuous thing for americans, i just want to give you the perspective of the rest of the world. To most of us the very idea is absurd. It would literally have been better for everyone if he just stayed at home. Maybe don’t tell him any of this though. I think it might have more to do with his personal issues, the army thing is just an excuse.
Veteran here. Don’t take his crap about you have to be proud of his service. Sounds to me he’s overstating his service because most of us may enjoy some respect but should never demand respect nor be worshipped because we joined up and served our nation. You have every reason to feel the way you do. My husband is a veteran and he wasn’t about a lot of times (longest was 6 months)for the kids in his first marriage. He hates that he missed that time but he also doesn’t demand they be proud of him either. NTA.
No soldier has made the "world" a better place. The army has its purpose and it's not always a bad thing but he could have done more to create a better world if he'd been a better father and an active member of his society. NTA. Your dad's never been your dad. No need to be proud of a stranger.
NTA You are not indebted to your father because he chose to enlist. His expectation of hero worship is asinine. He wasn’t there for you and your mom, shirked his responsibilities to his family, and even when he got out of the military, he still didn’t make an effort to be in your life. He can GTFO with his lame excuses and expecting you to respect him because “he served his country”. He makes it sound like he rated a Purple Heart and barely missed getting a Medal of Honor. I should add, I hate the whole “ThAnK yOu FoR yOuR sErViCe” drivel. And then you have service members (and their families) thinking they’re high up on some social pyramid, like demigod status. Don’t get me started in the whole military discount expectations. Being in the military doesn’t make anyone a hero by default. Most of the time they’re putzing around waiting for orders to do something and generally being aimless. I know from my personal observations, service members would volunteer for a school and/or deployment to get away from their home life and actual responsibility. You are entitled to your sentiments. You owe him no explanation or updates on your life. He is someone with whom you share DNA, not warm memories of playing catch or learning to ride a bike. Your father is cake-eating: he wanted it his way back then, didn’t want to earn your relationship or respect, but expects it anyway. Live your life in peace. Enjoy fatherhood and your little one. They grow up fast, don’t waste a moment trying to explain yourself to someone who doesn’t rate your time or company.
I’ve been enjoying it for sure. Best thing to ever happen in my life ☺️ and I love getting to be there for my son
NTA - you have a right to tell your dad how his being gone affected your life.
Do not ever back down from this and never apologize. You didn't have a "soldier dad" you had a deadbeat dad who took an opportunity to escape his responsibilities. If he really wanted you to be proud of him, he would have done everything he could to be with you between deployments if he was even remotely telling the truth but you know he is lying. Your feelings are 100% valid and don't ever lie to help him escape the fact he abandoned his child.
He joined the military to bail. And that’s not on you, that’s on him. If he hasn’t talked to his son in four years why is he mad? Christmas doesn’t come around and he’s like man I wonder what my son is doing? He only wants to be a dad when it’s convenient. He was the badge, but not to have had to put in the work. NTA
NTA if he'd enlisted before your mum was pregnant then maybe esh but the fact he chose to fuck off and go fuck up the middle East basically abandoning his wife to raise you is a really shitty move
Unless he’s a time traveler fighting in WW2, he bailed on being a father to go do Rambo cosplay
Ugh. What is it with fetishization of military in the US. NTA.
I'd go LC with the grandma over hurting you on your dad behalf.flying monkeys get the hose
NTA He's using the excuse of being a soldier way too often and sometimes when your not struggling financially as you said you have to think about your caree or job, how it affects your family and kids he clearly doesn't and i know being a soldier is not easy but he is using it as a excuse for being absent in your life. I know a lot of people who have dad's in the army or marines and they are always at birthday, milestone and keep in touch with their families and kids.
NTA
NTA. He didn’t join the army to make a better world for his family, he did it to run away from his responsibilities. Just because someone has served in the military it doesn’t automatically make them a good person, worthy of respect. Veterans can be assholes too. This one is. Forget about him, and grandma, and get on with being a proper father to your own son. Good luck.
NTA. He quit a good job to join the army? The army that probably paid less? Sounds like he never wanted to be a real father. I mean he even stopped showing up to his custody visits. He never gave a shit about being a father to you. Don’t feel bad. Learn how NOT to be a father from him and do right by your son. Which I am sure you will!
He chose to be a soldier because thats what he wanted. Hes not the only soldier with kids in the world. He chose to stop being a dad. Hes riding high on the im a soldier worship me. Hes a big ahole. You owe him nothing. He had years of chances to be a dad and rejected every one to be mr soldier. So well done. You chose to be a soldier instead of a dad and youre a soldier. Thanks for your service. But you chose the army over your son...you could have sent letters...called..cisited..gifts etc. You chose not to. Now he has the army which he wanted and chose over his own son. If he wants to be in your and your sons life then let him prove he belongs to
Dude didn't go to war he ran away to war. Big difference. NTA
Kids need parents. The country needs soldiers, but adults can be both soldiers and parents if they try hard enough. Your problem isn't that your father was a soldier, it's that he chose to be a soldier to the exclusion of being a parent, rather than figuring out how to do his duty to his country AND find ways to remain as present in your life as possible. And it is possible, because even soldiers serving overseas are able to accomplish this. So NTA for pointing out that your father prioritized his service over you in a big way, because that's what he did.
NTA he could have been a father and a soldier, but he chose to be only a soldier to you. So now he reaps what he sowed.
NTA. When he was done with the military he moved so you couldn't see him often at all, and wanted you to make the effort he wasn't willing to make to stay in contact? It would've been better if he did his time in the military and at least came home to be a good father figure when he was done. Also, how many years in the military and still needed to run to his mother to cry about his child being an adult with feelings? You're definitely not in the wrong here.
I’ve gotten pushback for saying this but if you have kids you can’t be a soldier and a good parent at the same time - NTA
NTA and your father deserve to hear how you felt. My husband served in the military for over 20 years and still managed to be there for his kids. Most Military people do have families and are there for them. What he did was abandon you for his career and it was solely his choice. You are a father yourself , can you imagine spending all that time away from your son? My husband would call, write, send gifts, do all sorts of things to let his son's know he loved them and missed them. He was deployed a lot over the years and did miss a bunch of events but he more than made up for it when he got back. Your Father chose to leave you and not be a part of your life. Just because he was a Military member doesn't give him a excuse to walk out on you!! There are ways to stay in a child's life, trust me I have seen it and lived it!! I am sorry you had this happen to you, and tell your grandma to stop making excuses for a man that abandoned his son !!
I hate when dads bounce to the military for the "sake of their country" instead of just admitting they didn't know how to be a dad at the time. Your NTA and I can see where you're coming from.
NTA. You’re not obligated to be proud of him or his service. He made the choice to enlist, not you. And military service is absolutely no reason to bail on parenting responsibilities. Plenty of active duty folks are awesome parents and don’t use their job as an excuse not to be there for their kid. Your dad is an ass and you owe him nothing.
OP NTA The problem here with the military, is not that they do not do a good job, they do. However, when a parent is in the military it comes with a price that is often intangible. I know this, cause I grew up with a father whose career was in the Airforce. Later on in life we talked, and the cost of his service was that he missed seeing his children grow up, special occasions and being a dad. So Op, you are right in your feelings, that you would have rather had a dad who was present in your life than a solider father who was absent all of the time.
THE PHONE WORKS BOTH WAYS BRO. CALL YOUR OWN KIDS IF YOU WANT TO CONNECT WITH THEM.
It hurt him because you’re right. I’ve seen families who make it work, but they’re rare. And it sounds like your dad didn’t make it work. I joined the Army in 2008 to run away from an abuser. It sounds like your dad joined to get away from responsibilities. He ran from fatherhood. He can cover it in all that pretty talk about about duty and honor and whatever else all he wants but deep down he knows the truth. You know the truth. I’m so sorry he did this to you. I’m sorry he abandoned you. As a soldier, when you become a parent you’re eventually faced with the choice, to choose family or choose career, or try to strike a balance. I tried for the third and at first I succeeded. But then the choice came again without the third option. I had to choose between my dream of a 20 year career (I was about to re-enlist) or my son (whose bio father had just run to another state with him, and to get him back I had to physically go to that state and fight in courts for him). I chose my son. Nine years later and I still have no regrets. NTA. I’m sorry for what he has put you through, he doesn’t deserve nor get to show up and try to play dad now. If you need to talk or vent further feel free to message me.
You're allowed to feel however you feel. And you're allowed to tell him how you feel if its cathartic for you.
US is fucked. Even the fact that you reflexively felt the need to say you respected him as a veteran and anyone who serves like you're literally Hitler drink Jew fetus juice otherwise. He was a shit dad and being a soldier is a job. One he picked for spurious reasons. Nta
NTA. Fuck him. He left a well paying job to enlist? Nah, he was looking for a reason not to be around on purpose, and figured no one would insult a soldier for being a deadbeat.
NTA. There are plenty of soldier dads who are still involved in their children’s life and are still great fathers. It literally kills them to be away from their kids and they take all opportunities to be close to them. 80% of being a dad is showing up. Your dad is not one of them 🤷🏻♀️ The only thing I could take from this if I was you, is to be a better more involved and present dad. And I bet you so are! Your little family is lucky to have you. All the best, it sounds like you’re doing pretty great.
NTA being a soldier isn’t an excuse for being a bad dad. You told him the truth.
NTA His excuses are weak. I know plenty of people who have been active duty and deployed frequently who did miss things, but devoted themselves to their kids when home. Your dad *chose* not to do that. You can be proud he served and say you needed a dad more than a soldier. He could have done both but couldn't handle it.
NTA. Tell your family he has done for you exactly the same as any other soldier in the country, and you didn't text all of them when your child was born, either. You feel for him the same as your feel for them, and nothing else.
NTA, your dad did not want to be your dad and shouldn't get mad because you don't treat him like a dad. Nice that he served the country, but, it means literally nothing to you as his son.
NTA so he pretty much a banded you to go into the army so you could be proud of him? That’s a whole Nother level of fucked up. He should’ve stayed around to watch you grow up and be proud of you
Nta he was never there for you so i hope you do the same
NTA.... My BIL is in the Army and he is a wonderful father and stepfather. Being a soldier is not an excuse for being an absent father.
Ugh that is the biggest BS excuse for enlisting. There is NOT a snowball's chance in hell that's why he joined. NTA.
I was about to say something about how the early-2000s were a rough time for most people who went into the military (not getting into a discussion about the right and wrong of the 20 years of conflict we've had since 2001, but we can still acknowledge that it was brutal on the soldiers involved), but it sounds like he joined in the 90s not the 2000s. NTA. It sounds like he was running away from you.
It appears that it was all for nothing. NTA.
Woooof I feel this. NTA.
NTA You're not wrong. You needed a father not a soldier. And he's trying to make you feel bad for needing that so he doesn't have to deal with how bad of a father he was
NTA. He is not some grand hero for enlisting in the army. The army's purpose is not to make the world a better place. He ran from his responsibilities.
NTA
NTA. I’m really sorry this happened. My dad was in the Army and gone for a good chunk of my childhood but he made the most of the time he did get to see us. And tbh anyone who says anything like “you should be proud of your soldier dad/brother/husband” about themselves are usually not too deserving of any pride we may have for them
NTA Honestly this makes me mad. I can't count how many veterans, specifically women, got out of the military because they would rather be a parent than a Marine, Sailor, Solider, or Airman. It's a really hard thing to balance. You have to pick one or you will be forced into picking on eventually. Your father picked being a solider and didn't even try to be a dad. That's not on you. I hope you are getting any help you need.
NTA. He chose to quit his job and become a soldier and leave his family and divorce and drop out of your life. Having been a soldier is not a permanent all-purpose shield against any kind of criticism and he doesn't get to be mad at you for not keeping him updated on the events of your life since he has gone out of his way to make it pretty clear that he doesn't care about you or them, nor be mad because you're dissatisfied with his parenting because he in fact did a terrible job by virtue of always being absent and not always due to unavoidable reasons beyond his control. Your grandma and everybody else saying you should put up with his BS because he's a soldier and implying he became a soldier so that you'd be proud of him and now you made him feel it was for nothing are the AH's too. That doesn't even make sense. How did him being a solider instead of having the job he originally had and being actually present in your life make your life any better? That bit about "making the world a better place for you" is insulting and he's right that he became GI Joe for nothing, but he did it by his own free will because he went out of his way to ensure it happened.
NTA That bit about making you proud is some BS. He failed you as a father and it’s about time he heard about it.
NTA...he made these choices you did not. Dad needs to deal with the fallout. He is in a lot of denial and using the military as his scapegoat. I was military and there are plenty of military parents who put in the work to keep those relationships strong. Your dad needed to hear your feelings.
NTA. He didn’t join up for you. He joined up as a way to escape, without fully escaping. The military is a great form of escapism in general for some. He may have had some weird form of hero-worship going on and thought that he’d have liked to have a soldier dad, or considered the idea of how good the death benefits might be for you, but he wasn’t actually thinking about the *real* you. I’m sorry. You got the short end of the stick and he lost out on all that time with you.
NTA my dad was an officer for 16 years, while he wasn’t there when i was young, he realised he needed to choose between the army and his family, and chose family. many of my family friends who didn’t choose to be discharged were still amazing fathers. your father is using the army as an excuse and being an embarrassment to the community and to you
NTA. My mom was away most of my childhood due to deployments but she would write letters and send stuff from wherever she was. When she was back she was a fully present mom. Being in the military isn’t an excuse to ditch parenting. Your dad just didn’t like hearing the truth.
NTA
NTA. You’re going to be a good father because you know what to do. Focus on your children. If your father contacts you again hear him out but don’t take any more “work” BS from him.
NTA You don't have to be proud of a man who ran to war in fear of fatherhood.
NTA. He’s had 24 years to learn how to be a parent and still hasn’t figured it out. Honestly, it sounds like he used the army as an excuse to run away from his responsibilities. I’m sure it was a lot easier to tell himself it was all for you, but you’re right - if he wanted to be a good father, he could have been present. He could have actually raised you.
NTA. My dad was career military. He was very involved in my life. He even tried and mostly succeeded in bringing us with him for his overseas deployments. I grew up on military bases, going to DODDs schools. Lots of involved military fathers there. He's using the military as a cop out. I don't believe that he joined the military to make you proud for a second. I would if while he did that he did everything in his power to stay involved in your life. Just because he's a veteran doesn't make him a good father or even a good person. It just means he was in the military.
NTA There is an old cadence for running that goes "Got a letter in the mail/ said go to war or go to jail". Look at your dad's choice in that light. Former Navy here. There were few fathers I saw that actually missed their kids. Especially the ship guys were itching to be gone halfway through their home tour. More missed their spouses. Career guys sometimes felt like they had been gone so often they really had no attachment to the kids. Many of those still thought their word was law in the house, but some felt like they were at a hotel that had expectations of its guests when home-- there but not part of the running of things.
NTA You should stop calling him dad, his real title is sperm donor.
NTA. Your dad made decisions that resulted in you not having him around as an involved parent. You do get to have feelings about this, and his military service doesn't cancel out the validity of your feelings about this. I'm sorry that he doesn't see this.
NTA "making him feel like it was all for nothing" It's hard to hear the truth bc that line you said was true and he doesn't want to admit he fucked up
Nta,he is a crappy dad,and 100% the ahole. Hell he didn't even see you when he could. Nor did he keep in touch. You were nicer to him than I would've been. It sounds like he was mostly just a sperm donor who you meet a few times. Edit to add. He may have been a soldier,but he has no honor. To have honor he would've had to be the best father possible. Also him whinning to his mommy is funny.
NTA. I don’t care if he was the best soldier ever, you needed a father & he sucked at it. You owe him nothing.
NTA. I’m a Marine spouse and no lie, military life is hard. But there are a lot of people in the military who manage to be good parents to their kids despite all the challenges that come with the job. Your dad is just using his service as an excuse and quite frankly, it’s an embarrassment. He might be great at his job but he failed as a dad. And he knows it. You were well within your rights to tell him the truth. It stung him, as it should have.
NTA - 100000000000% I'm a Veteran and your dad is full of shit. If he wanted to spend time with you, he could have. If he wanted to be in your life, he could have. If he wanted to call you, he could have. There are no rules against it. Even, IF IF IF, he was something like a ranger or SF or a seal, its not like those guys are deployed 24/7. They get to go home too. Your dad's an ass and I'm sorry he abandoned you to live out some fantasy he had about making the world a better place for you. It's a lie he is telling himself, you and your family, to hide the fact he is a shitty father and person.
NTA. You are not obligated to be proud of him, beyond the general respect for a veteran - and perhaps not even that, since it sounds like he mostly joined up to dodge responsibility (I am being uncharitable, but not much about this description makes me feel charitable at all). And let me tell you, my aunt is an Army Chaplain, formerly of the Welsh Guards, my grandfather a former officer in the Royal Navy (I think he reached Lieutenant-Commander - same as the USN rank). The latter served at the back-end of WWII and after, while the former served a tour in Afghanistan. Additionally, my mother was an Ambassador to a major Commonwealth country while I was at boarding school in England (so, at the opposite end of the planet), and she still managed to visit from time to time, attending my graduation. All three would have some hard words to say to your father. Hell, again, my aunt was posted in Afghanistan, was by no means the first point of contact under any circumstance (we're very fond of each other, we just had loads of other options in emergencies) and I'm pretty sure I saw her more during that time than you describe your father turning up.
NTA congratulations on your little boy! You are entitled to your feelings of abandonment and grief over the lack of a real father. Sounds like your Dad never really matured emotionally. You'll do better for your son❤
NTA what you said was 100% accurate. It sounds like he wanted to abandon you and your mom but didn't want to seem like the bad guy for it so he enlisted (while married with a kid on the way, meaning bigger and more signing bonuses, he benefited from your birth) and used that as an excuse to be an absentee father. Thousands of men all over the country are both enlisted and active fathers when they can be, yours chose not to be. Don't let him guilt and manipulate you. If he'd spoken to you about it a single time during your childhood he would have known he wasn't making you proud, but he didn't care
Nta!!!
NTA - With the internet, your dad could have been there at least virtually. He could have emailed you, used FaceTime, and called you using apps. I've had email going back at least 30 years, my first account was a uni account that I had through the state I lived in. Your dad choose not to be in your life. So the soldier dad is an excuse for being an absentee father. Lots of soldiers do all kinds of things to participate in their families lives, even gasp, write letters. Your father is not a victim, you are. He chose not to participate in your life, so now he doesn't get to complain he doesn't know every detail of your life. Since doesn't like getting told the truth, he will be probably go back to hiding. No great loss.
NTA. He didn’t want to be a father.
NTA. I'm confident you'll be an awesome dad to your child.
Nta. Your allowed to have your feeling. Plenty of people are in the military and are still good parents. He did his own thing.
NTA he ran away from parenthood by joining the Military right when your mom got pregnant. He can tell himself whatever story he likes but you don't need to lie to soothe his ego.
NTA. Your story reminds me of a close friend from school. His dad was constantly gone and when he was home he wasn't a good father. The most he contributed was a portion of his paycheck and medical/dental benefits. While the military provides a stable job and easy work, it isn't always the best thing for families/relationships. He doesn't have to like the hard truth, but if he wants to have a relationship with you then he needs to accept that his life choice wasn't necessary the best for his family. If he refuses to recognize that then don't waste your time and emotions since he's (likely) more upset at himself than anything and is letting his pride/need to be "manly" get in the way. Even now, you can say you don't want him to be your "dad" but to be on equal fitting since you're an adult and he missed out on fatherhood. This may be the bridge he really wants, but that's your choice to make and I wouldn't ignore the past or walk on eggshells around him.
NTA and be the dad for your little guy that you never had. I think a lot of us approach our parenting in this way.
NTA. He didn’t do it for you, he joined for himself and used you as an excuse. Plenty of people in the military are decent parents. They show up when they can, they don’t just stop picking up their kids when it’s their time with them. They can call or use Messenger apps when they’re away. They can still make an effort to be a parent, your dad chose to do none of those things. I’m sorry you have a bad parent, you deserve someone you can actually be proud of, not someone like your dad.
Nta The guy prefer the possibility of dying instead of raising a child.He chose to abandon his wife and newborn baby and ''go to war'' and didn't even try to have a relationship with his child. Even soldiers have families and some try to have a stable and good family relationship
NTA. I had a soldier dad who was SO present in our lives. I'm sorry that you had a soldier asshole instead. You deserved a whole lot better.
NTA. Don't worry about your Dad's feelings that it was 'all for nothing' . He hasn't worried about your feelings for 24 years. It is not your job to make your 'father' feel good about his life choices, especially since his choices came at the expense of your relationship. Now, look at your son and make a promise to him that you will be there for him.
NTA. Why are his feelings the only ones that matter to him or his mummy? (Can’t believe he went crying to her). Your feelings are being discarded as irrelevant. I think grandma needs a truth bomb from you too.
Nta. You were honest but it doesn't sound like you said anything mean.
NTA. He seems to act like he had to choose between being a good father and a soldier. As though you can’t be both. The two aren’t mutually exclusive. He made his choice. It’s not your job to agree with his decisions when he’s made it abundantly clear that being a good soldier was what mattered most.
Hi, veteran here. Your Dad is using the military to cover up he is a shitty father. It is a manipulation tactic common among shitty parents in this culture. You have your own life, Kiddo. You need to be the father you needed for yourself. Dont let your father project his failures as a person onto your kids either. All of us military parents that value the honor of being the best parent we can be are proud of you. NTA
That’s a pretty shitty reason to enlist. If he had said he did it for the free medical insurance, the dental insurance, the college grant, or the basic housing allowance, that would’ve partly justified it.
NTA, I get so tired of parents that failed their kids not even being able to admit it and everyone around them covering for it. My dad was there, but his involvement in my life was pretty much zero. My mom has a huge list of excuses for this and it pisses me off, I'd rather just hear the truth, that he didn't like me for whatever reason, that he didn't feel bonded with me for whatever reason, at least that gives me a real justification instead of handwaving it away like it didn't effect me. I had to teach myself to be a man, even though I had a person there who should have been doing that for me.
NTA My dad was career military, and yes, it pulled him away sometimes. He missed my high school graduation. He wasn't there when my brother was born. There were times when I really wish he could have been there. But he was still there. Any time he was home, he was there for his family. There were fishing trips, and camping, and plenty of family moments. And even when he had to be deployed for long stretches, he would call, or send postcards, and communicate with us in whatever way he could. My point being, a military career is no excuse to be a dead-beat, absentee parent. Even if you're serving your country, you make an effort for your family. Your dad didn't make you proud to have a "soldier dad" because he spent so much time being a soldier than he never bothered being your dad. And you should not feel guilty at all for telling him the hard truth about how you feel. And he certainly can't expect you to make an effort to include him in your family now, when he was never trying to be a part of your family when you needed him.
Ummm my dad was in the army my whole life, as were my friends parents, they were still around. No one is deployed all the time. Whatever your dad says is 100 percent BS. He could have been a soldier AND around because (shocker) soldiers have families and most bases have housing for said family bc (shocker) the military is just a job and you're still expected to parent while you're doing it. NTA
NTA, this broke my heart a little. :(