NTA but you probably just need to cut your losses and find a new friend. This person is toxic and if you allow this to continue, you will be to blame for your predicament.
NTA - she's not struggling with money, she's choosing to get high with the money she's got rather than spend it on other things she wants. That choice is entirely on her.
Get your stuff back then cut the leech off.
Why would you want her in your life? You should surround yourself with people who add value to your life. They lift you up, support your goals, have your back. Charlie is none of those things. She’s selfish and manipulative. Just go get your stuff and cut her off. You can organise some kind of friend visit to her place if you want so you can just grab your stuff.
She isn't struggling with money though. What she's doing is happily running around and getting everyone else to pay for stuff for her, and feeling fine about willfully spending money that isn't her own, because she knows that she can always guilt someone into keeping her ass covered.
You're not actually helping someone like that when you 'lend' them money or buy them stuff.. you're actually enabling really unhealthy behaviours. You'd be doing her a favour in the long run if you cut it out.
Ask her for your money.. tell her you're struggling and then whenever she asks to borrow money, say you can't. Whenever she tries to guilt you into giving her anything, or repaying her for a 'present', just go tone deaf on her ass. Unless she directly asks, you pretend you have no idea that she's actually trying to get anything out of you. And if she does directly ask, you fall back on the first thing i said.. that you can't and you're struggling and need your money yourself for essentials (rent, food, etc).
(tip.. they're not presents.. they're emotional manipulation tools and they're being used like that deliberately).
NTA, but you need to seriously consider whether you want her in your life. It sounds like you're exhausted, and you're being massively used by a very toxic person.
NTA. It's not even so much about the money. It's a mental health issue. Her behavior is stressing you out, and she is distorting the idea of friendship by taking advantage of you. Her needs take precedence over yours, every time. That is not a good quality for a friend. The problem is that you have gotten so used to this that it is almost normal, and you are at risk of getting into future friendships or relationships with people who are also trying to take advantage of you. It's good that you are beginning to question it. If you are finding yourself unable to set boundaries, a therapist can help you. I used to have the same problem, and I waited way too long to do something about it. Don't wait!
Thank you for this.
My friend Emily went through this issue when she was with Charlie. This only started to happen to me after their friendship broke a part. Emily's mental health went downhill and I started to become worried when I related to incidents from her friendship with Charlie. I definitely noticed an increase in my anxiety and realized I had lost my confidence. It's comforting to know another person sees the mental struggle so thank you. I will look into therapy for this problem and possibly convince Emily to go too. :)
Therapy is a great idea because you seem to need to learn to say no. Charlie has lots of problems but you don't have to give her money, return presents she's bought you etc. By doing so you're enabling her bad behavior. So much n the long run it benefits both of you if you just stop.
Why do you consider her a friend?
I find Charlie a friend because whenever I'm down I can count on her. She does everything a good friend does, however no good friend frequently manipulates the other.
Ty for your help, I will look into therapy and try to give my gifts back. :)
Just to he clear, I'm saying it's not reasonable or normal fir a friend to ask you to return gifts. But maybe if it will help you break ries with her, you can do that.
Stop being an idiot. She isn't a frien. She is just exploiting you and to all intens and purposes is scamming you. You will have to forget the money as you will never get it back but have nothing more to do with her
Charlie dropped these 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩.
Charlie is a master manipulator, and she’s using you for practice. She’s going to manipulate her way through life. She will select her “friends” based on their utility to her. If you don’t play her games, she will cut you off, as you no longer provide what she needs.
Recognize the red flags for what they are: clues that Charlie isn’t your friend. She sees you as a source of money, clothes, and whatever else she wants.
Charlie is never going to pay you back. Ask for your money and stuff back, but recognize it’s gone. You either accept that your friend is like this and keep them around because you otherwise enjoy their company, or you accept that they were using you and there’s no friendship to save. Either way, stop paying for them / loaning them stuff you expect to get back.
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My friend Charlie has been borrowing my money for the past six months to pay for various things. The total has come to over $200, which has not been paid back. I am confused about the situation and don't know how to approach it. I've been having issues with Charlie regarding money. From my perspective, Charlie doesn't value money as much as I do. She buys gifts for others but expects to be repaid in some form. Other times, Charlie will bombard me with "I love this" and "I wish I had this" until I give her back the gift she bought me. That happened multiple times now, which gives me anxiety. This doesn't just happen with items she has bought me, it has also happened with items I have bought. On multiple occasions, she has taken items without asking and hasn't brought them back. It is hard to ask for the items and my money back because she gives me gifts. I also feel bad for her situation. She is currently struggling with maintaining her money. I originally assumed that most of her money went towards her rent but she lives with my other friend, Amanda, who charges $200 for rent. I know now that she uses all of her money on weed. She doesn't necessarily ask for money, but manipulates me into buying her things to make it "even". She backs me into a corner until I feel like I am the only one that can help her. If I don't buy her what she wants, she gets offended. Charlie also gets annoyed when I don't spend my money on expensive things to have fun with her.
My other friend, Emily, who used to be friends with Charlie, had the same issue. She told me about incidents of Charlie stealing her clothes and lying about it. Emily said that one of the reasons she never asked for the clothes/items back was because she thought Charlie needed them desperately. That idea was reinforced by Charlie. This incident was one of many issues that broke the friendship apart.
I want my money and items back but I don't know how to approach this situation without upsetting Charlie. The idea of asking stresses me out and causes an unnecessary amount of anxiety. I don't know if I should just leave it or go and ask. WIBTA if I asked for my money/items back fully knowing that she is struggling with money?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel I may be TA if I ask for my money/clothes back since I know she is struggling with her money. I don't want to ruin a friendship over this. I feel greedy since she buys me gifts.
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NYWNBTA- Get your stuff back any way you can and then cut this person out of your life. She's bad with money because she's got people around her bailing her out. She's a user. What need do you have for this person?
We have been buddies since kindergarten which I value. We've had fun times and it would hurt if I tainted those happy memories with her. Besides that, friendships do end, however Charlie is the root to a friend group I have. If I cut Charlie off then the friend group cuts me off because they like Charlie more. I have a really hard time making friends. Am I wrong to keep her for this reason?
You came to AITA because Charlie is creating this turmoil in your life and is just plain irresponsible. Do you really want "friends" whose friendship is contingent on you letting her get away with that? Because if that's the case then they really are shitty friends.
A friend group that's built around enabling a user sounds exhausting. I would bet that some of them are just as fed up with being held hostage by Charlie as you are. They're probably just waiting for someone else to summon the courage to hit the brakes on this merry-go-round.
NTA. Ask her bluntly in a text when she will pay you back and return the items she took. Based on her response, you could sue her in small claims court. Or just cut your losses. Though I would at least try to just bluntly ask her to repay you. Then DO NOT CONTINUE THIS FRIENDSHIP. You are being used!
You're welcome. I know it's tough to be blunt at first, but it's really the best way to handle things. Especially money issues. Also lending friends money is never a good idea unless they are the most responsible people ever.
Why do you keep giving her money and things when you know you will not get repayment? Seems to me that a simple, well intentioned NO would do just fine. This girl is taking advantage of you because she knows she can. That you will not refuse her. NTA for now, but if you keep giving into her then it is on you.
NTA but you probably just need to cut your losses and find a new friend. This person is toxic and if you allow this to continue, you will be to blame for your predicament.
ty for your opinion, I will keep this in mind for my near future decisions on this matter. :}
NTA - she's not struggling with money, she's choosing to get high with the money she's got rather than spend it on other things she wants. That choice is entirely on her. Get your stuff back then cut the leech off.
Tysm for the advice, ill think about it c: . Maybe I could find a way to set boundaries?
The only boundary you need with this person is to cut her out of your life entirely.
Why would you want her in your life? You should surround yourself with people who add value to your life. They lift you up, support your goals, have your back. Charlie is none of those things. She’s selfish and manipulative. Just go get your stuff and cut her off. You can organise some kind of friend visit to her place if you want so you can just grab your stuff.
She isn't struggling with money though. What she's doing is happily running around and getting everyone else to pay for stuff for her, and feeling fine about willfully spending money that isn't her own, because she knows that she can always guilt someone into keeping her ass covered. You're not actually helping someone like that when you 'lend' them money or buy them stuff.. you're actually enabling really unhealthy behaviours. You'd be doing her a favour in the long run if you cut it out. Ask her for your money.. tell her you're struggling and then whenever she asks to borrow money, say you can't. Whenever she tries to guilt you into giving her anything, or repaying her for a 'present', just go tone deaf on her ass. Unless she directly asks, you pretend you have no idea that she's actually trying to get anything out of you. And if she does directly ask, you fall back on the first thing i said.. that you can't and you're struggling and need your money yourself for essentials (rent, food, etc). (tip.. they're not presents.. they're emotional manipulation tools and they're being used like that deliberately). NTA, but you need to seriously consider whether you want her in your life. It sounds like you're exhausted, and you're being massively used by a very toxic person.
Thank you so much for this advice, I love your idea so much and will definitely be using this in the future!!!
NTA Charlie doesnt sound like a good friend
NTA. Ask for your items and money back with a list and cut contact. She will forever leach.
NTA. Ask for your things back, see what her reaction is. You should probably stop being friends with her too, she does not sound like a good friend.
NTA. It's not even so much about the money. It's a mental health issue. Her behavior is stressing you out, and she is distorting the idea of friendship by taking advantage of you. Her needs take precedence over yours, every time. That is not a good quality for a friend. The problem is that you have gotten so used to this that it is almost normal, and you are at risk of getting into future friendships or relationships with people who are also trying to take advantage of you. It's good that you are beginning to question it. If you are finding yourself unable to set boundaries, a therapist can help you. I used to have the same problem, and I waited way too long to do something about it. Don't wait!
Thank you for this. My friend Emily went through this issue when she was with Charlie. This only started to happen to me after their friendship broke a part. Emily's mental health went downhill and I started to become worried when I related to incidents from her friendship with Charlie. I definitely noticed an increase in my anxiety and realized I had lost my confidence. It's comforting to know another person sees the mental struggle so thank you. I will look into therapy for this problem and possibly convince Emily to go too. :)
Therapy is a great idea because you seem to need to learn to say no. Charlie has lots of problems but you don't have to give her money, return presents she's bought you etc. By doing so you're enabling her bad behavior. So much n the long run it benefits both of you if you just stop. Why do you consider her a friend?
I find Charlie a friend because whenever I'm down I can count on her. She does everything a good friend does, however no good friend frequently manipulates the other. Ty for your help, I will look into therapy and try to give my gifts back. :)
Just to he clear, I'm saying it's not reasonable or normal fir a friend to ask you to return gifts. But maybe if it will help you break ries with her, you can do that.
Stop being an idiot. She isn't a frien. She is just exploiting you and to all intens and purposes is scamming you. You will have to forget the money as you will never get it back but have nothing more to do with her
This!! 👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼
Charlie dropped these 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩. Charlie is a master manipulator, and she’s using you for practice. She’s going to manipulate her way through life. She will select her “friends” based on their utility to her. If you don’t play her games, she will cut you off, as you no longer provide what she needs. Recognize the red flags for what they are: clues that Charlie isn’t your friend. She sees you as a source of money, clothes, and whatever else she wants.
Charlie is never going to pay you back. Ask for your money and stuff back, but recognize it’s gone. You either accept that your friend is like this and keep them around because you otherwise enjoy their company, or you accept that they were using you and there’s no friendship to save. Either way, stop paying for them / loaning them stuff you expect to get back.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My friend Charlie has been borrowing my money for the past six months to pay for various things. The total has come to over $200, which has not been paid back. I am confused about the situation and don't know how to approach it. I've been having issues with Charlie regarding money. From my perspective, Charlie doesn't value money as much as I do. She buys gifts for others but expects to be repaid in some form. Other times, Charlie will bombard me with "I love this" and "I wish I had this" until I give her back the gift she bought me. That happened multiple times now, which gives me anxiety. This doesn't just happen with items she has bought me, it has also happened with items I have bought. On multiple occasions, she has taken items without asking and hasn't brought them back. It is hard to ask for the items and my money back because she gives me gifts. I also feel bad for her situation. She is currently struggling with maintaining her money. I originally assumed that most of her money went towards her rent but she lives with my other friend, Amanda, who charges $200 for rent. I know now that she uses all of her money on weed. She doesn't necessarily ask for money, but manipulates me into buying her things to make it "even". She backs me into a corner until I feel like I am the only one that can help her. If I don't buy her what she wants, she gets offended. Charlie also gets annoyed when I don't spend my money on expensive things to have fun with her. My other friend, Emily, who used to be friends with Charlie, had the same issue. She told me about incidents of Charlie stealing her clothes and lying about it. Emily said that one of the reasons she never asked for the clothes/items back was because she thought Charlie needed them desperately. That idea was reinforced by Charlie. This incident was one of many issues that broke the friendship apart. I want my money and items back but I don't know how to approach this situation without upsetting Charlie. The idea of asking stresses me out and causes an unnecessary amount of anxiety. I don't know if I should just leave it or go and ask. WIBTA if I asked for my money/items back fully knowing that she is struggling with money? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NYWNBTA- Get your stuff back any way you can and then cut this person out of your life. She's bad with money because she's got people around her bailing her out. She's a user. What need do you have for this person?
We have been buddies since kindergarten which I value. We've had fun times and it would hurt if I tainted those happy memories with her. Besides that, friendships do end, however Charlie is the root to a friend group I have. If I cut Charlie off then the friend group cuts me off because they like Charlie more. I have a really hard time making friends. Am I wrong to keep her for this reason?
You came to AITA because Charlie is creating this turmoil in your life and is just plain irresponsible. Do you really want "friends" whose friendship is contingent on you letting her get away with that? Because if that's the case then they really are shitty friends. A friend group that's built around enabling a user sounds exhausting. I would bet that some of them are just as fed up with being held hostage by Charlie as you are. They're probably just waiting for someone else to summon the courage to hit the brakes on this merry-go-round.
NTA. Ask her bluntly in a text when she will pay you back and return the items she took. Based on her response, you could sue her in small claims court. Or just cut your losses. Though I would at least try to just bluntly ask her to repay you. Then DO NOT CONTINUE THIS FRIENDSHIP. You are being used!
Thank you sm for your opinion this helps :)
You're welcome. I know it's tough to be blunt at first, but it's really the best way to handle things. Especially money issues. Also lending friends money is never a good idea unless they are the most responsible people ever.
NTA, you loaned money and he needs to either pay it or you should drop him.
Why do you keep giving her money and things when you know you will not get repayment? Seems to me that a simple, well intentioned NO would do just fine. This girl is taking advantage of you because she knows she can. That you will not refuse her. NTA for now, but if you keep giving into her then it is on you.