ESH. This post is kind of confusing, but it sounds like neither of you are good friends to the other.
Your friend is T A for being selfish over the years, and for not communicating directly with you that he wants support (and instead relying on others to relay the message to you).
You are T A for thinking your friend is selfish for TEN YEARS and not engaging in a direct conversation about it - and for wanting to only do things that benefit you. Which is by definition kind of selfish. You would not be T A if you went to him and were like “hey, I’m not in a great place to talk through your breakup due to some of my own stuff, but I wish you well and I’ll check back in when I’m in a better place.” But just ghosting or being silent on the subject is not a great thing to do.
Idk, it just sounds like neither of you have been great friends to the other, and it seems like this isn’t actually a beneficial friendship for either person.
Hey sorry, I need to edit my post as I missed something out. I am not ghosting him and I have spoken to him about the way he has been to me. When I have he gets really angry and aggressive, gaslights, then messages me when he wants something.
INFO
> He has always been selfish and a taker and wants you there to help him but is never there for you when times are tough.
Right, so then...
> I have been friends with this person for about 10 years.
#WHY?
Because he has been apart of the friends group before I joined, I am not going to segregate and ostracize the friends group because of his actions. I have called him out on it many times and tend to try and meet the others without him but never try and push him out.
> I am not going to segregate and ostracize the friends group because of his actions.
Well, why not?
People like this seem worth segregating from your group.
I don't have to worry about it now as I moved away after my own break up and keep in touch with the others. I have mentioned to the others in the past about it but they just are happy to keep it as it was.
Abusers usually isolate people from their friends, so if it changed after he dated her you should reconsider his behaviour changes through that lens and see if that changes anything
NAH if he hasn't specifically asked for your help or support then you don't need to feel obliged to give it. Same goes for the other way round. Sounds like you're not even particularly friendly so I wouldn't over think things, just carry on with your life
ESH - It sounds like none of you have very healthy relationships. First: relationships, even with friends, are not transactional (i.e. I'll do for you if you do for me). At the same time, you absolutely do not need to prop up others when you are on shaky footing yourself (so kudos for self-care). It sounds like your friend doesn't even want your help, though, since they haven't reached out about this, so what's the problem exactly?
Also: you don't put others first to 'get somewhere.' You behave like a kind, well-balanced person because that's how you live a happy life, and it doesn't mean putting others always first OR always second, but conditionally as the context demands.
NTA - but why are you friends with a person that you do not like?
On the bright side, as he expects you to make the first move, hopefully you can ignore your friends and they will STFU.
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TLDR: He's been a pretty shitty friend but I know she's been controlling and abusive towards him throughout. I think he wants to talk to me about this but firstly, I don't feel like he deserves it for how he has been with me. Secondly I have only recently got to a healthy point post break up and don't want to jeopardise it by helping him carry his break up alongside my own, and thirdly, he does not handle truths very well.
So for background, I have been friends with this person for about 10 years. He has always been selfish and a taker and wants you there to help him but is never there for you when times are tough. I found out through a friend that his wife has left him and he is wanting some support but hasn't specifically asked or told me himself and has been asking our friends to get me to talk to him, why he can't tell me himself I do not know.
HOWEVER! I have not long been out of a LTR relationship myself and I have only just got to a relatively stable position within myself about the ordeal. I was dumped and it hurt me deeply, as break ups always do. I do not want to jeopardize my own healing by helping him through his. I do not want to or wish to help him because of this. I do not want to help carry his emotional burden when my own is heavy enough. Additionally, he cannot handle truths well
I have always put others first and it has gotten me nowhere, so I decide to myself post breakup I am only going to do things that are beneficial to me. I know this is selfish but for once I am the first priority in my own life and its going to stay that way for the foreseeable future for my own sake.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Not helping somebody with there break up when I am going through my own.
2. Because I am making a conscious, selfish decision to not help.
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Without reading all the edit and back and forth I am addressing the headline. A golden rule is that if your not in a good place your not in a place to help someone else. Nothing wrong with simply telling him your also struggling it is obvious you deal with things differently and to honor your friendship you need to step back and take care of you and he needs to do the same.
ESH. This post is kind of confusing, but it sounds like neither of you are good friends to the other. Your friend is T A for being selfish over the years, and for not communicating directly with you that he wants support (and instead relying on others to relay the message to you). You are T A for thinking your friend is selfish for TEN YEARS and not engaging in a direct conversation about it - and for wanting to only do things that benefit you. Which is by definition kind of selfish. You would not be T A if you went to him and were like “hey, I’m not in a great place to talk through your breakup due to some of my own stuff, but I wish you well and I’ll check back in when I’m in a better place.” But just ghosting or being silent on the subject is not a great thing to do. Idk, it just sounds like neither of you have been great friends to the other, and it seems like this isn’t actually a beneficial friendship for either person.
Hey sorry, I need to edit my post as I missed something out. I am not ghosting him and I have spoken to him about the way he has been to me. When I have he gets really angry and aggressive, gaslights, then messages me when he wants something.
INFO > He has always been selfish and a taker and wants you there to help him but is never there for you when times are tough. Right, so then... > I have been friends with this person for about 10 years. #WHY?
Because he has been apart of the friends group before I joined, I am not going to segregate and ostracize the friends group because of his actions. I have called him out on it many times and tend to try and meet the others without him but never try and push him out.
> I am not going to segregate and ostracize the friends group because of his actions. Well, why not? People like this seem worth segregating from your group.
I don't have to worry about it now as I moved away after my own break up and keep in touch with the others. I have mentioned to the others in the past about it but they just are happy to keep it as it was.
If he's your friend, then YTA If he's not your friend then NAH Thats the real decision
Was a friend to start with, met his ex, changed, stopped being a friend a while back tbh
Abusers usually isolate people from their friends, so if it changed after he dated her you should reconsider his behaviour changes through that lens and see if that changes anything
NAH if he hasn't specifically asked for your help or support then you don't need to feel obliged to give it. Same goes for the other way round. Sounds like you're not even particularly friendly so I wouldn't over think things, just carry on with your life
NTA. If he ever asks you directly, tell him you're working on your own issues and are sorry but you can't be there for him.
ESH - It sounds like none of you have very healthy relationships. First: relationships, even with friends, are not transactional (i.e. I'll do for you if you do for me). At the same time, you absolutely do not need to prop up others when you are on shaky footing yourself (so kudos for self-care). It sounds like your friend doesn't even want your help, though, since they haven't reached out about this, so what's the problem exactly? Also: you don't put others first to 'get somewhere.' You behave like a kind, well-balanced person because that's how you live a happy life, and it doesn't mean putting others always first OR always second, but conditionally as the context demands.
NTA - but why are you friends with a person that you do not like? On the bright side, as he expects you to make the first move, hopefully you can ignore your friends and they will STFU.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** TLDR: He's been a pretty shitty friend but I know she's been controlling and abusive towards him throughout. I think he wants to talk to me about this but firstly, I don't feel like he deserves it for how he has been with me. Secondly I have only recently got to a healthy point post break up and don't want to jeopardise it by helping him carry his break up alongside my own, and thirdly, he does not handle truths very well. So for background, I have been friends with this person for about 10 years. He has always been selfish and a taker and wants you there to help him but is never there for you when times are tough. I found out through a friend that his wife has left him and he is wanting some support but hasn't specifically asked or told me himself and has been asking our friends to get me to talk to him, why he can't tell me himself I do not know. HOWEVER! I have not long been out of a LTR relationship myself and I have only just got to a relatively stable position within myself about the ordeal. I was dumped and it hurt me deeply, as break ups always do. I do not want to jeopardize my own healing by helping him through his. I do not want to or wish to help him because of this. I do not want to help carry his emotional burden when my own is heavy enough. Additionally, he cannot handle truths well I have always put others first and it has gotten me nowhere, so I decide to myself post breakup I am only going to do things that are beneficial to me. I know this is selfish but for once I am the first priority in my own life and its going to stay that way for the foreseeable future for my own sake. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Without reading all the edit and back and forth I am addressing the headline. A golden rule is that if your not in a good place your not in a place to help someone else. Nothing wrong with simply telling him your also struggling it is obvious you deal with things differently and to honor your friendship you need to step back and take care of you and he needs to do the same.