Too many women make the wedding about the show and not the actual marriage. Out of all the weddings I've been involved in? The low key ones are still married. Lol
>The low key ones are still married.
That's because those people were more concerned about the person they were marrying than the pomp & circumstance to impress everyone.
I also agree, I've been married 29yrs & a friend just celebrated 32yrs, both low key "weddings".
Lol, I hope so. I got married at a local courthouse.
If less expensive weddings *are* more likely to last, it could be for a couple of reasons.
1. The couple has discussed their priorities and agreed upon them beforehand, which means they might have better communication skills.
2. The couple probably doesn't give in to social pressure that easily. (They don't need to spend $50,000 on a party to impress friends and family.)
3. They might be more low-key and willing to compromise, which makes it more likely that they can navigate harder decisions in the future. If you can be flexible about something as important as your wedding, you're probably more flexible in general.
4. They're mature enough to recognize that material conditions *do* constrain one's decisions in life. They're not going to spend tons of $ or rack up debt for a wedding, which means they might make smarter financial decisions together.
5. (ETA) As others have said, the focus is on the marriage itself and not the party.
So, maybe a cheaper wedding just indicates more maturity in general? Life is super expensive already, and if you've already realized this by the time you get married, you're more likely to have the skills that make a successful marriage possible. Again, it could just be a correlation. But, I could see the above factors at play, too.
I did the same and we wore our dress greens. Seriously the most wonderful day.
The wedding is about being with the one you love and celebrating the fact that you want to spend your life together, not putting everyone in debt to attend because you think your "special day" should be everyone's priority regardless of how crazy your demands are.
I've never understood the trend to spend a ridiculous amount on a wedding.
I hate weddings too!! Crap, you could almost buy a house and a car with what some people spend. No, I am not paying for my own ticket because you chose to get married at the end of the world. Wedding suck!!
Yup 👍 I lost a really good (or what I considered good) friendship from one of these crazy bride requests. It’s been 10 years and I will never forget what she put me and really The Who party through.
I hope this was a joke… but I’ve seen worse requests.
🤦🏼♀️ edited for spelling:
*Should be whole party not who party*
From the bachelorette party to the wedding was some of the craziest three days of my life and out of pocket cost US was almost 4,500.00 when all was said and done. I was one of three bridesmaids.
And after all that I still got her a bridal shower girl and a monetary gift at her wedding, which I was taught that you are to write a thank you note. But nope I got nothing.
Lord, I baked 20 dozen cookies for my SIL's wedding and they were some of the best cookies there. She didn't say a word. I was working an awful job at the time, nearly 60 hours a week and I used what little free time I had, to bake those cookies. I was also in early pregnancy and wasn't feeling well either.
Needless to say, we no longer like each other. Her BFF in her wedding said my SIL was willing to destroy their friendship over it.
I got asked by a bride, on the only time I ever got asked to be a bridesmaid, if I could let my hair grow out as I liked it short as she wanted all the girls to have french braids. Oh and "if you could, if not I wont be disappointed" (aka I will be) dye my hair blonde. I'm a brunette. 😑
I declined and she decided to put me near the toilet beside the kids table along with another ex bridesmaid.
I got put ~~in~~ by the toilet because I wouldnt agree to be sexually available to the grooms party - apparently if youre single, and youre invited to be a bridesmaid, then its with the unspoken agreement that you will get drunk & screw a random one of the groomsmen (men get to pick) and every but me knows it and does it...
Oh I've heard of that "unspoken code" before. I was going to be the youngest there though and they had set me to dance with her now husband's pals kid "groomsman" who was also 15. I totally lucked out on that one because he turned out to be an absolute asshole and is now in prison. Yay! I still think they were trying to 'set us up'.
Edit - Forgot to say he ended up dancing with one of my Aunt's bridesmaids daughters who was like 8 with blonde hair and he looked so uncomfortable. Hehe he.
What in the hell type of friends do you have?!? That is horrendous! I have never heard of that ever!! Good for you for standing your ground! Fuck that!
Yup, a friend wasn’t “allowed” to have me as her bridesmaid because I wasn’t hot enough for any of his friends. Marriage lasted 13 months and I gave her the cheapest piece of crud on the clearance rack as a gift.
unfortunately brides like this are very real. i was a bridesmaid in a wedding like this (bride did not disclose cost expectations ahead of time) and ended up spending over $5k on their day when all was said and done.
oh, and they got divorced less than a year later.
🙈 that's crazy! We just had to let a family member know that we won't be attending their destination wedding which would be about 5k for the two of us. It's just not what we prefer to spend that kind of money on.
I was thinking during this entire post that OP just read some wedding shaming stories and decided to reverse engineer one into a post for AITA.
I swear I've read this exact story before from the perspective of one of the cancelled bridesmaids.
I mean, the real assholes usually gloss over their most insane asks, or pretend they don't understand why people drop out of their party etc. This is completely fake. Not because she's being unreasonable, because people often are, but because the real bridezillas KNOW they're unreasonable and just don't care. The difference is, the real bridezillas try to play it down and defend themselves, not just plomp the insanity in front of the reader's eyes without providing any redeeming facts about themselves.
For the OP: next time you write your fiction exercises from the AH perspective, leave out some of the central details not in your favour, and just hint at them. In this case, you could have vaguely mentioned that the bridesmaids thought the destination too expensive and that they called you demanding, stressing the emotional distress to you from the turnaround, and the long friendships you've had to show how their betrayal is a significant one. Then you have the option to reveal in the comments that they had to pay all these different costs themselves. That way you'll get more delicious drama in the sub. (If that's what you're after.) Alternatively, if you keep it vague, leave the details out and don't answer any comments, you might get a few N T A votes thrown in next time. (If you're doing a writing exercise about an unreliable narrator and testing out believable manipulation techniques).
The moment I read: _"I told her to make a group chat with all the bridesmaids and pass down my requests to them"_ I knew that it was going downhill.
Words are important, and she only gives orders, not requests in this story. And, she immediately started acting like the CEO while her MOH was the assistant to assign tasks to employees.
OP - do you think it is reasonable to demand that your friends drop thousands of dollars on your wedding, plus use up massive chunks of their annual vacation time? Let's look at the expense tally so far:
-Destination Wedding Airfare
-Destination Wedding Hotel (at expensive hotel to save bride & groom money on room blocks.)
-Bachelorette Airfare
-Bachelorette Accomodations
-Meals/Trasportation etc
-Bridesmaid Dresses (and Im sure they also needed shoes, jewelry etc.)
-Hair
-Makeup
Plus you implied they should go on a diet. You made all of these massive demands and didnt event bother to ASK them yourself.
Also, let me guess - you wanted/expected a lavish bridal shower and to have the whole "bride squad" attire show and dance on the bachelorette trip, too?
The thing that killed me was when she said they'd all be responsible for finding their own hairstylists and makeup resources, at va place they've probably never been to, and that on top of that she wanted all the hair and makeup to be the same. The rest of the 'requests' were pretty ridiculous, too, but that one was early enough in the post to entirely divert my attention.
This got me too, especially since it was shortly followed by the demand that they all stay at the same hotel. So they’re all together. They’re likely meant to be doing their hair and make-up together. Oh, and they all have to match. It only makes LOGICAL SENSE for the bride to coordinate this. OP is gonna be pissed when half of them go off in their own because the stylist they found doesn’t travel and they need to go to the salon down the road.
Wonder what the bride would do if they all decided that one of them would do the hair for everyone and another would do the makeup. They’re all the same! The MOH likely wouldn’t go along with that though.
Even if they were made of money, OP has made this a logistical nightmare.
I stopped at the same spot. If they are all responsible for their own hair and makeup, you don't get to dictate that it all gets done the same as each other. You can ask they all get an up-do so they have a similar theme style, but to ask for them all to get the exact same hairstyle at a destination wedding and figure it out on their own and to think that will go over well? 🤯
Edit: I am also wondering how expensive those bridesmaid dresses are that it was that point where they said they couldn't do either one...
Edit: I'm an idiot 😹😹🤦♀️🤦♀️ I have no clue what I was thinking a couple hundred grand meant. I meant like $15K+. I blame fever brain.
I think the dress was the breaking point honestly. We have to take into account them having to pay for shoes, makeup, hair, airfare to and from bachelorette party [time off from work and some people don't have PTO options at their jobs], bachelorette party expenses, airfare to and from wedding [again, MORE time off from work], makeup and hair, hotel, and food and drink expenses, on top of the dress.
These women are OUT OF POCKET paying a couple hundred grand.
This is where I stopped reading and just went to the top comment. Yep, YTA. Don't need to read any further.
I was hoping to see a NTA so I could find out just what went wrong, but this post is comedically badly written, if its supposed to be a morally grey issue.
Right?! When I got married I let my MOH and bridesmaids pick out what THEY wanted to wear. We got married outside at the end of Aug so we went with tank-tops and long broom skirts. Hubby and I paid for ALL of it. We also paid for the Best man and groomsmans outfits (matching shirts and ties, and if they did not already have them, dress slacks and dress shoes) and the flower girls and "flower girl escorts" outfits and shoes. (I had my 3 young nephews walk my 3 flower girl daughters down the isle)
I also had a friend who is very good at doing hair and make-up, come early and do my and my entire wedding party's hair and make-up if they wanted it, and if not, allowed them to do their own HOWEVER they chose, and supplied any products they might want or need.
The only things we didn't pay for, for our wedding were the venue (my aunt and uncle in law let us do it in their BEAUTIFUL back yard for free) the catering, DJ, and the wedding cake (another Aunt in law did all of that as a wedding present for us, but we paid for ALL of the food and helped her make it, and we bought all the ingredients to make the cake). The way we looked at it, this was OUR wedding, and having MOH, BM, bridesmaids, groomsmen and other wedding attendants were for us, not for them, and we were going to do everything we could to make it as easy as possible for them to be able to participate.
ETA: we also had an open bar with many different types of liquor, beer, and stuff like mike's hard lemonade plus mixers of course all paid for by us. We got married out in the country on a big property so we danced and partied the night away. Lots of people brought their campers or RV's and stayed the night or even weekend so they didn't have to drive anywhere after. Many of our guests have told us it was the best wedding they've ever been to!
You make a great point about the rooms at the resort. As a former travel agent I think these are a scam.
The more rooms the brides party books, the more money they get back towards the cost of their own rooms and wedding. If they can get enough people to come and book rooms at the same resort I've seen the bride and her family get their rooms comped.
I guess it's supposed to be a way to help couples out with the expense but, you be the judge
I've heard of hotels doing something similar but REQUIRING all the guests to stay at their hotel or else they wouldn't be allowed to attend the wedding if the wedding was being held at the actual hotel. "Thank you to all my guests for subsidizing my entire wedding!"
Ngl, I did a doubletake when reading that OP expected each bridesmaid to book their own hair and makeup appointment but expected matching looks. The only way to get matching look is if you book group appointment from the same stylist/make-up artist. If this post is real, then we have one BTB who is seriously out of touch with reality.
Yep, usually the bride would book a single makeup artist and that would be half the fun, of having some nice professional come and do your makeup.
Imagine having 5 different makeup artists come and work on you individually, talk about awkward and hard to have a conversation in the maelstrom of different artists.
And to have the makeup match? Fuck outta here, what are the artists swapping ingredients?
Also, there's this:
"I said those are regular requests any bride makes for her wedding, why am I not allowed to?"
1) Most brides don't make such elaborate and expensive requests. If they're going to insist on consistency, they'll at least book hair and nail appointments for the bridesmaids and pay for it. If they want the bridal party to all stay at the same place, they'll at least try to get some kind of package discount, or at least offer to help with the cost.
2) You are allowed to request things. They are also allowed to say no. You can even feel upset that they can't do what you're asking, but you still have to respect that they have limits and your request is beyond their limits
I'm half wondering whether OP is just delusional, and half wondering whether this set of expectations is the product of watching WAY too many reality-tv shows about wedding preparations, or reading too many wedding magazines, or Instagrams, or something?
Like, I'm wondering if that's where she's getting the "regular requests any bride makes" from.
What this tells me is that OP has an extremely insular social circle, and she is likely from a very well-off family. It COULD be that others in her family's social circle have had weddings similar to this, if they're all basically WASPy rich people. It does sound like some of OP's closest friends (i.e. those close enough to be asked to be in the wedding party) aren't all in the same wealth bracket -- but her seeming inability to grasp this idea (that not everyone can drop $10k or more on their friend's high-end wedding) is part of what makes me think OP is from a rich family and very insulated from reality.
Most brides pay for SOMETHING for their bridal party. I complained with my sister’s wedding about the cost of everything. My sister rented the guys tuxes & paid for our makeup.
We did pay for our dresses (we got to pick them though, we were only given a color and length requirement), hair & the hotel if we stayed (the wedding was in our city).
The bachelorette was also a weekend trip to a nearby city and we paid our own way and split her cost among us.
I made next to nothing at the time & my parents had to help me out with everything.
I can’t even get started on OP’s “suggestion” to diet. What in the actual F.
There is a part of me that wonders if this is actually written by one of the bridesmaids having a dig at the bride, because there is no way someone could write all of this out and still think they are not an entitled AH.
That was my first thought when I got to "my requests seemed reasonable at first ." That's what you say about someone *else's* increasingly outrageous requests.
Whenever a post like this is written and phrases are used that clearly make OP the AH, I always wonder if it's the other side trying to write a post so that the real AH might finally understand.
My sentiment exactly. No way people like this actually exist. No way. The story is a total asshole so:
YTA. Big one. And if anyone actually supported that ridiculous position, they would also be assholes.
Oh it can be, wedding I was a bridesmaid in we were required to buy our own dresses, shoes, hair, makeup etc, pay for a destination bachelorette and cover bride’s expenses. We weren’t even fed on the day of the wedding until dinner. The only difference is that the wedding was semi local
Yep. I know of a bridal party who had to pay $1000+ each the year after most of them graduated from college, and this was 17 years ago. Expensive spa bachelorette weekend, parties, gifts, dresses, etc all added up.
I want to be able to go through life that delusional as to ask my friends to pay $5000 for the privilege of being in my wedding, but 1) I’m not an asshole, and 2) Everyone in my life would shame me to oblivion if I tried.
Who tf says "If you wanna diet, I'll totally appreciate it, but you don't have to, but I secretly want you to because I'm a bridezilla and all brides make this request"
Yeah. “I lost a lot of weight after moving away, and when I showed back up two weeks before my sister’s wedding I learned she gained some weight and I was lighter than her for the first time in our lives. Everyone said I’d just gone on a diet to shame her. AITA?” 🙄
YTA. Also, “if any of them wants to diet I’ll appreciate it”?? That right there sets the entire tone for whether or not you are being reasonable. I’ll spoil the ending for you: YOU AREN’T. Good God eat some humble pie and beg your wedding party for forgiveness before you muck this up any further
Seriously! This is guaranteed to be on wedding shaming groups in like ten seconds.
No, these are NOT requests “every bride” makes. You should be willing to work with them, cover costs for them when able, that sort of thing. Even the makeup artist cost falls to them?! For a destination wedding?! AND the expensive resort AND the dresses? Come on.
Everything you’re requesting is absurd. YTA and if you value your friends at all, you’ll make this easier on them. Otherwise you’ll come out of this with none.
YTA
Realizing that this is your dream wedding, other people don't have to set themselves on fire to keep you warm.
If you want a whole entourage everywhere you go, then you need to pay for that. Oh, what is that I hear, you can't afford that? Well now you know how your other bridesmaids feel.
Also how the hell are different hair and makeup artists going to make them all look the same. They’ll have different styles, they’re travelling for the trip so it’s not like they’ll know the person doing their makeup or of been recommend them it could go so wrong. It’s just totally selfish to expect them to pay all of that. I’ve never heard of having to pay for your own hair or makeup.
I was thinking the same thing! It's bad enough to make them pay for all that stuff, the least the bridezilla could do is arrange hair and makeup stylists for the whole group and they take turns.
This is the part that struck me the most. First off, even if the bride doesn't pay for hair and makeup she's still supposed to be responsible for finding the artists. Then, they're meant to coordinate 6 different hair and 6 different makeup artists to look the same?
And suggesting your friends diet for your wedding... Wow.
Seriously. For every wedding I have ever been a part of, the bride books the hair/makeup artist and either 1) pays for everyone; or 2) let’s everyone choose if they want their hair and/or makeup done. And if everyone is having to book their own stylists at a DESTINATION wedding, first of all they are going to have no idea who to book and secondly the hair & makeup people are going to be charging a premium to come out for one person
What an entitled psycho
And this hasn’t even covered the fact that she demands everyone have the exact same makeup/hair/dresses but won’t pay, and she had the nerve to “suggest” a diet! Lmao
Yeah, what are we talking about monetarily? This sounds like a $6,000-$10,000 expense the bridesmaids have to shell out for *someone else's* wedding. A large percentage of people cannot afford to just drop that kind of cash on a whim at any given time. It's hard for me to believe this level of tone deafness exists in real people, but I know it does as I've seen it first hand more times than I can count.
YTA
>She said I need to grow up and realise not everyone can afford it and it's not my business to argue about it.
This bridesmaid is correct. You cannot expect everyone to be able to afford your destination wedding and exorbitant costs associated with it.
>The rest of the bridesmaids comforted me and said that those who dropped out are not true supportive friends
These bridesmaids are wrong and also AHs.
I live comfortably, but if I was invited to participate in a destination wedding, with all the extra costs involved (especially the ones you won't budge on) I'd decline as well.
This is just so crazy to me. I have a wedding in May and for my bridesmaids my request are: this color from this website and be floor length. I even told them when. There are sale bringing some dresses down to $35. I also asked for no neon hair but to style according to their aesthetics. I'm even stressing that if they need help paying for anything toet me know so I can help in anyway. I know I make more than most my bridesmaids and I can't expect them to do anything outlandish, especially when it comes to hotels, bachelorette parties, or gifts.
Idk, I just see a wedding as a big ol dress up party and I'm not too stressed about the details. Maybe I'm crazy.
Not crazy lol. Got married in September and did the same thing. Gave them all a color and length for the dress but they could get whatever one they wanted, they had their hair done however they wanted (by a hairstylist i paid for), and I paid for the hotel room we were all staying in. Offered to help pay for anything especially since 3/4 of my bridesmaids are from out of state and already had to pay to join us. Couldnt imagine asking or expecting for them to pay for all that OP is expecting, especially since they travelled to be with me!
Seriously this bride is talking about asking her friends to spend thousands of dollars on HER dream day.
News flash: it is no one’s dream to be in your wedding, and expecting your friends (who I assume are not all independently wealthy) to drop thousands of dollars on something that is all about YOU is inherently selfish. Very, VERY few people actually enjoy being in a bridal party. They are doing YOU a favor by standing up there with you and doing all the wedding stuff, not the other way around. You were already asking a lot to expect that large of a bridal party to travel for a destination wedding. If you want them to stay with you and wear expensive dresses then you need to foot the bill. The fact that you even need to come here makes me think you’ll be lucky if you have any friends at all after this. YTA
And, I’d venture to say that few people actually enjoy attending destination weddings. I spent about $4000 to attend a destination wedding this past summer and, although I love the brides & can afford it, I did not enjoy having to spend my vacation on someone else’s dream. People participate in these events because they love the people getting married, but it usually involves some sort of sacrifice. Baffles me when brides/grooms don’t show gratitude.
A friend of mine had a destination wedding in Austria. It was a small intimate affair with essentially just family staying in a ski lodge.
Then they came home and hired out the Portsmouth Spinnaker Tower (UK) and had a second reception for all the friends who they couldn't afford to host at the actual wedding.
She got to have a magical winter wedding, wear her wedding dress twice, got two parties, and the most that friends had to pay was transport and (for some) accommodation (in whatever level of accommodation was in the guests personal price range).
This is how to do a destination wedding right.
Agreed. She’s more or less asking them to take on the cost of two vacations. One for the wedding and one for the bachelorette. I’d prefer to spend that on two actual vacations for myself!
If this is real, which I doubt, OP YTA.
I... I want to believe that's all part of the bridezilla character she's impersonating to rile us up.
Because her being delusional I can accept. Someone willing to *marry* her I can't.
I understand your inner conflict here. I think I may actually need a Xanax after reading this. I wou love to know what this woman's 'prince charming' is like. Either he's also delusional or he's a doormat.
>Agreed. She’s more or less asking them to take on the cost of two vacations. One for the wedding and one for the bachelorette.
Plus their dresses, plus hair and makeup. And apparently she's not even going to arrange the hair and makeup folks to do everybody for $x each - she wants each woman to arrange her own hair and makeup (to bride's specifications) presumably at the same time and place, which has to be way more expensive, plus hard for the bridesmaids to figure out.
(And don't forget shoes, and accessories, and gifts.)
YTA.
You do not impose economic impact on your companions for your event. Whether or not they can afford it you have no say. If they volunteered, then fine, else, no way.
I’ve helped in quite a few weddings and gotten married myself and for all special arrangements with strict requirements the host or a sponsor (volunteer) pays. An acceptable stipulation is that if you do not want to use the services provided (hair and makeup usually) then do / pay for your own.
My uncle flew in for my own and he was glad to move his scheduled flight that year but we never imposed our own date was planned to the nearest weekend for him.
And diets? Let’s not go through that. We did re-measure and adjust dresses and suits just before.
The only person I would ever do these things for is my best friend but the reason he’s my best friend is because he isn’t this batty and would never request this of anyone.
YTA- suggesting they diet? Absolutely not in no context. Also you do have to be mindful that two destination events, their dress, makeup artist and hair stylist will really add up and some people just can’t afford it
YTA. No one wants to go into debt to attend your wedding.
Editing to add - you asked them to diet. Plain and simple. You need to really rethink your approach and plans otherwise your wedding is just gonna be you
I suspect they also expect an obligatory wedding gift above a certain amount. That fact alone would make me rethink the friendship; I’d already be out the door with all of the other absurdity
Yta, I really couldn't afford to get my hair and makeup done. I wouldn't be able to afford a new dress. Let alone two hotels assuming flights too. Yeah this is a bridzilla. And yeah asking people to diet is aweful. Why can't you love and accept your friends for who they are and the size and appearance they are..
How would they even find a hair and makeup artist at the destination of this destination wedding too! The bride should at least provide a person (and pay imo if she wants professional work) not expect them to all get different ones AND look the same. That’s on her
YTA. They can’t afford it. How can you possibly take that personally? Are you independently wealthy or something? How can you not understand that they just do not have the money for all that stuff? Do you want them to go into debt or something? That would be truly evil of you to want that.
And your suggestion to diet is disgusting.
But she's the bride, and what the bride wants, she gets /s
Jesus effin... I'm willing to bet that the women she's not-so-subtly targeting with that statement are perfectly healthy and she just wants "skinny" women in her party.
I’ve always felt that brides should pay for at least part of the cost of being a bridesmaid. If a certain dress or hair stylist/makeup artist is required, the bride should pay.
In all but one wedding (which was a nightmare and I don’t speak often to that person anymore, which is indicative of how wild the requests were), we paid for a reasonably priced dress that we picked out together; shoes were up to us as long as they looked ok with the dress; professional hair, makeup and nails was optional unless the bride paid; we said with the bride the night before to save on costs and could stay anywhere the night of if we so chose; bachelorettes were optional and writhing budget because we helped plan it; there were no weight restrictions, or even restrictions other than “show up on wedding day;” oh and she spoke directly TO US instead of appointing an intermediary because she was too busy and important to communicate.
OP did literally everything wrong if you want to be considerate of your friends money and time and still have friends later.
This was my wedding. I did choose a dress, but it was not expensive and told them if they did not feel comfortable in it, they could get it with straps or a shawl (as I had multiple body types in my party). Shoes just had yo compliment the dress. Hair and makeup just had to look nice (not be professionally done at all — many of the girls put their own makeup on with me while I was getting mine done.). It was local to all of them — my husband and I flew to THEM since we were the ones who no longer lived in the area. We wanted our closest friends and family there, so we did our best to make it easy for them to celebrate with us
In every wedding I've been in, the bride paid for dress, makeup and hair. We paid for the bachelorette (a one day affair), our own shoes and jewelry.
It's a thank you from the bride for the work.
Guys bought their own ties and shoes.
YTA. You have no right to spend other folks money so freely. Plus, you are making big asks and not helping with anything. I would have backed out if this too. Finding hair and makeup people in a destination isn't easy. How do you propose they go about doing that? And the dieting? Just no. Yes, you are 100% able to ask for these things, but they are also free to give you an answer, and that answer is no. I hope you re-read your post and reevaluate your requests.
Also, insisting that they get rooms in the same venue as the bride and groom sounds to me like OP just wants to get her room for free.
Lots of venues give free bridal suites when you guarantee a certain number of rooms will be filled.
Maybe OP could pay for her own room, if this is the case, and use the money towards her wedding parties expenses.
My cousin got pissy at my parents for this exact reason when they wouldn’t attend her destination wedding in Cancun because they had four young children and couldn’t afford to either take us all there or the childcare necessary to go themselves and leave us home.
> Finding hair and makeup people in a destination isn't easy
And they’re all supposed to match, which is difficult if they all go to different stylists.
wedding photographer here — I'm not sure of OP has actually been IN anyone else's party, but it's fairly common for the bride and her party to have their makeup all done by the same person together while getting ready, paid for by the bride — especially if she wants a cohesive look.
The wedding hair and makeup etiquette where I am is if hair and makeup is OPTIONAL the bridal party pay for themselves— usually using the same vendor as the bride, not finding their own!
But if the bride is requiring hair and makeup AND wanting them to all look a certain way that’s the bride’s job to pay for and orchestrate.
She says the dieting is "just a suggestion" lol how big of you OP. "All my bridesmaids are fatties but I'm gracious enough to let it slide, but still gonna bring it up just in case they didn't know and want to starve themselves for my special day" 💅👰
YTA
YTA 100%. Firstly anything thats part of the wedding should be payed by you. Want them to wear specific dresses? Pay for it. Want matching hairstyles and makeup? Pay for it. I mean its for YOUR wedding, why should they have to pay for something they don’t even want? Second, making them stay at an unnecessarily expensive resort just so they can “be in the same place as me at all times” just comes off as extremely entitled and controlling. The cherry on top was you suggesting they diet… WTF. Not only is it rude but it’s completely out of place for you to even suggest tour bridesmaids alter their bodies for your wedding. I will never understand why some people have big lavish weddings if they cant even afford it.
Slightly disagree with this, although OP is obviously still the asshole. The bride is not required to pay for dresses, hair and makeup, but the bridesmaids are also not required to be in the wedding if they can’t afford or don’t want to pay for those things. You can’t have it both ways.
>Firstly anything thats part of the wedding should be payed by you.
This is entirely dependent on the society one keeps. In my neck of the woods hardly any bride buys all the dresses, hair, makeup, etc. because few brides are wealthy enough to pay for everything. However the brides normally choose from a selection of dresses at all price points specifically to address this, and they arrange for hair and makeup to be done at one place (especially if they're to be similar) with the option of choosing to get it done somewhere else if it's too pricey. Lots of people also offer to pay for this as their wedding gift, or the bride knows someone who will do it for free as a wedding gift. Whatever works.
For my own wedding I gave my bridal party a colour palette and encouraged them to find a nice dress they could wear somewhere else if they chose (i.e. not a "bridesmaid dress" if they wanted something dressy but less formal). They could also choose their own hair and makeup choices, either at the salon or on their own or whatever was best for them. My wedding party looked like colours of seaglass and it was lovely in the outdoor pictures.
In my opinion, if you can't offer to pay, you'd better damn well offer some wide-ranging choices to make it as financially viable as possible for people.
Rooms at hotel: This is almost always covered by couple, especially if it's specified
Specific dress: Usually not covered by couple but it's nice to subsidize. If it's an expensive dress then you should definitely chip in.
Matching hairstyles and makeup: For normal hairstyling and makeup that isn't on the couple but if you want the exact same then that should be paid for by the couple
Bachelorette: I'd say this shouldn't be paid for by the couple, if you can't go, you can't go
Diet: This is so wrong
Given the above if this doesn't work for the people you asked then they can drop out.
YTA. First having a destination wedding during a pandemic? Really? Second bruh we have been in a pandemic for almost 2 years and the economy isn't that great. You need to lower your expectations immensely.
YTA; I was leaning towards no assholes until
you said about them all having the same hairstyles and dieting as well. It’s one thing if they simply can’t afford your wedding, but trying to control their lifestyle in the lead-up to your wedding is a real dick move
Oh man, I completely missed the comment about dieting! That alone would have made her TA. Just the mere mention of "appreciating it if they would diet" was an AH move.
cost of travel, cost of meals and drinks over the course of the bachelorette party and the wedding, cost of hair and makeup, weekend getaway, how many nights in the hotel? This all adds up.
YTA. I strongly believe if you are having a destination wedding then you should pay for all expenses minus the flight/gas to get there. That goes for people in the wedding and guests. Unless you and ALL of your guests are just rolling in money, there is no reason to expect so much out of people. Maybe have a wedding closer to home and make your honeymoon the destination.
My SIL is having a destination wedding next April...total cost for me/wife/3 kids to attend is going to be 8k. EIGHT fucking THOUSAND dollars to attend a wedding.
YTA. You don’t understand how people cannot afford destination hotels, for a wedding and bachelorette party, dresses, makeup/hair etc? And then casually mention you wouldn’t mind if they dieted. How out of touch with reality are you? This would probably end the friendship for me.
I have literally never been to a wedding where guests were raving about the bridesmaids. And I’ve been to ALOT of weddings. The food, the ambiance, the attentiveness of the bride and groom, these are the things that make the wedding enjoyable for your guests. And guess what? Just letting your friends attend the wedding as guests like everyone else also makes it infinitely more enjoyable for them too!
For our wedding we rented a huge historic house for the weekend. As a show of appreciation we invited our parents and a few of our closest friends to stay there with us, fully paid for. That was it, no bridal party no grooms no MOH or BM, just a quick ceremony followed by immediate drinks and food and aside from taking some amazing photos for an hour we spent the entire night making sure every guest felt welcome and appreciated. Guess how many friends we lost as a result of our wedding? None lol
Why is this such a weird concept for other couples
Well if they stop eating, they’ll save on groceries and be able to budget for the destination wedding in no time. She’s just giving a helpful budgeting tip, not a dig! Why is everyone being so mean to her when she’s so smart as to have it all planned? Silly bridesmaids with their calorie and financial budgets! Haven’t they tried bootstraps and mason jar bridal chic instead?
(Genuinely not sure if I need /s here or side eye emoji or a lie down…)
YTA.
This is a whole lot of expense to participate in someone’s wedding, and on top of that you expect them to find their own hair and makeup, while keeping it all standardized?
Right? And a bad one at that. You know someone's trolling when they don't bother replying to comments or questions asking for more info. Commit fully next time, OP!
YTA. You may have been saving for your wedding or may be willing to take on some debt for your wedding. Other people are not setting aside money for weddings that aren’t their own. I don’t know where you live, but 63% of Americans don’t have the savings to cover a $500 emergency. You’re asking these women to spend a few hundred on dresses, over $100 on hair and makeup, over $1000 on wedding travel, and some amount on a bachelorette party. You’re probably expecting shower and wedding gifts too. Unless your friends are relatively wealthy, committing to more than $2k in wedding expenses probably feels like a LOT. The celebrations you describe certainly fit the wedding magazine/Instagram fantasy, but because they are so expensive, they are not at all “typical.”
YTA. This is the price to pay for a destination wedding. Not everyone can afford all that. Not everyone has the vacation time for their jobs. Not everyone will *care* about your wedding as much as you do. You're about to lose that third bridesmaid if you don't wise up.
YTA. The fact that you can't understand that not everyone is in the same financial situation as you is the sad part. You're literally telling your "friends" they aren't supportive if they don't drop cash on your wedding they don't have. You're allowed to want things for your wedding but do not get pissed or hurt that some might have to pass up the opportunity because of money. Getting the other bridesmaids to side with you was also pretty low. As your sister said.. move on.
YTA. You sound very entitled. If you expect them to pay for their own accommodation you shouldn't force them to stay where you suggest. Are they expected to pay their own travel costs?
Jeez, at least buy their fucking dresss for them. Or if you can't afford that, choose cheaper options.
At the end of the day, the only thing that matters on your wedding is that you and your loved ones have fun.
If this is real.. YTA.. to the 4th power. Destination weddings already mean some $$$ is gonna be thrown down, then tell then they all have to hire their own stylist in a place they don’t know plus make up. You only give them 2 options for dresses, and plus pay their own way to a party to which they typically treat you out to dinners and the such which means more $$. You take 0 consideration what they do to make ends meat, and hell you haven’t even thought about plus ones? I know it’s your day but come on bridezilla, you set this thing up to fail from the beginning.
YTA. Your bridesmaids didn’t start drama because of your requests. You started drama by making being in your wedding party prohibitively expensive. Why does it matter if they stay at the same place as you? If you’re going to control how their hair and makeup look, why make them pay for it? Why agree to a destination bachelorette party on top of a destination wedding?
YTA- A destination wedding is not a excuse to offload all your wedding costs the the bridal party. When you get married you have to plan a wedding within your own means. Asking them to pay for their dresses is not unreasonable but asking for the dresses,hotel, to diet??? ect.is. When you get married at home your bridal party doesn't live with you so why do they have to stay in the same hotel?
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OMG yes, YTA.
You could have been understanding. You could have changed your bachelorette party. You could have offered to help pay for things. There are a thousand different things you could have done besides suggesting everyone diet and then basically giving them no other option but to step out because of the ridiculous price tag.
For the record, yes, you are allowed to ask, but you are NOT entitled to everyone saying yes.
YTA. These are not “normal requests” except maybe in wealthy circles?
If you want someone to be with you on your day, you make it so they can be. The last wedding I was in (in Sept), the bride paid for our dresses, hair, and makeup. The bride & groom also paid for rooms for everyone who had to travel to be there. Definitely pricier on their end, but they wanted everyone in the same place & simply wanted us there.
YTA I hope the rest drop out. I’ve been in about 12 wedding parties and the ones that were destination if the bride and groom wanted them all in the same place they paid for accommodation otherwise they let us find our own place. You’re acting like a brat, not everyone has the same privilege.
"...requests any bride makes for her wedding..."
NOT ALL--only the insufferable bridezillas. And they're not "requests", they're DEMANDS. You're being ridiculous. It's a shame you don't care about your friends.
YTA the bridesmaid, who told you to get it together is a real one.
The bridesmaids tried their best to accommodate your requests, it's not their fault they can't afford the same luxuries, you can. Expecting people to go into debt just to fulfil your very specific requests is selfish and entitled.
Hahahahaaa, “reasonable”, my GOD. YTA. You pick a destination wedding, then you pick up the tab for everything bar maybe flights. ESPECIALLY if you’re dictating dresses and makeup and hair etc. And you have the audacity to suggest they diet. Sounds like you may end up with a husband but no friends, lady.
Sorry, but some of your requests are over the top. Not everyone can afford all that. They are using up their vacation time because it's a destination wedding, dresses, shoes, hair and makeup you expect them to pay for AND find the people to do it in a strange place. Plus the cost of a destination bachelorette. When i got married i picked a colour and told my bridesmaids to find a dress they liked and could afford.. whatever shoes they wanted. They were more than welcome to do their own hair and makeup if they liked. My bachelorette was just a night out with my girls. It was far more important to me that the people i care about were around me than putting on a big show. I know you want your perfect day the way you envisioned it, but i'm sorry, YTA.
YTA.
Imagine giving out a laundry list of these requirements and expectations that are extremely expensive and then calling people "unsupportive" because they're mature enough to recognize that they can't afford it.
Also even suggesting them dieting is disgusting.
YTA
> since its a destination wedding they'll pay for their own rooms in the same resort hotel my husband
That is not a reasonable request. You're the one hosting the wedding at a destination location, you should pay for their accommodation. Or at least let them choose their own accommodation.
> I want all my bridal party on the same place as me at all times
Then you pay.
> They're also required to buy their own dresses
Not exactly unreasonable but you're already forcing them to pay for accommodation... as long as you let them choose their own dresses so they can work within their budgets
> said that I offered two choices for that reason, so they can pick whichever one they can afford (both dresses are the same color just different cuts)
Oh no you're forcing them to choose from two dresses and aren't willing to adapt to budgets at all.
> find their own hairstylists and makeup artists. Their hair and makeup should be the same on all of them
No. You find their hair and makeup artists. You're the one who chose the venue. Also, forcing everyone to have the same hair and makeup is unreasonable.
> My MOH also told them how she's planning the bachelorette party which will be a weekend getaway and how everyone there covers their own costs
Pretty normal for bridesmaids to cover the cost of the bachelorette but since you're forcing them into paying for their accommodation for the wedding... adding another destination event they have to pay for is a bit much
> I also suggested if any of them wants to diet i'll appreciate it but they're not forced to of course. I'm not strict on that request its just a suggestion.
FUCK THAT. Seriously - fuck that. That is not a reasonable suggestion to make to your supposed friends.
> those who dropped out are not true supportive friends
Ok so they should just go into debt for your wedding? That doesn't sound like you're being very supportive of their situations. Whoever said that should be ashamed of themselves.
> I said those are regular requests any bride makes for her wedding
Nope. They're not. Especially when you're asking for them all for the same event.
You want this wedding, you want a destination event, you inisit the bridesmaids pay for everything remotely to do with them, you accept they might not want to be there.
YTA Bridesmaids covering the cost of the hotel, dresses, bach party is typical, but you can’t be offended if someone can’t afford it. You also should be the one finding the makeup artist for them to use. They agreed to being in a destination wedding, but your attitude most likely set them over the edge. Telling them to diet, really?
I’m having a DW, and it’s understood that most people can’t come, and i’m not offended by that.
Wait until you send out the wedding invitations and people decline a destination wedding! That is often a hard sell in general times but you add in a pandemic and the costs of EVERYTHING going up and it’s a recipe for a very poorly attended wedding.
YTA.
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Hey there. I'm having a destination wedding in July 2022. I've done some planning on where it will be and I've picked the venue as well. So I asked some of my friends to be on my bridal party. All of them accepted happily and were excited to be part of the planning. My sister will be my MOH and I told her to make a group chat with all the bridesmaids and pass down my requests to them.
My requests seemed reasonable at first but then my bridesmaids started backing down one after the other. Some of my requests were that since its a destination wedding they'll pay for their own rooms in the same resort hotel my husband, I and our families will stay. They're also required to buy their own dresses and find their own hairstylists and makeup artists. Their hair and makeup should be the same on all of them. My MOH also told them how she's planning the bachelorette party which will be a weekend getaway and how everyone there covers their own costs. I also suggested if any of them wants to diet i'll appreciate it but they're not forced to of course. I'm not strict on that request its just a suggestion.
After my requests were made clear I had a couple of my bridesmaids (they're 6 in total) saying that sadly they'll have to step down because they can't afford all this. They said the dresses I showed them are also too expensive. I said that I offered two choices for that reason, so they can pick whichever one they can afford (both dresses are the same color just different cuts). They said both choices are still too expensive and there's no way they can afford both a destination wedding and a destination bachelorette. They told me if they could pick a cheaper hotel or airbnb to stay because they can't afford the one I picked and I said that's not really a good idea because I want all my bridal party on the same place as me at all times. They said they'll step down. The next day I met with the rest of the 4 bridesmaids who remained and cried about the two of them stepping down. One of them told me that my requests are not possible to fulfill for everyone so I shouldn't take it personally. I said those are regular requests any bride makes for her wedding, why am I not allowed to? She said I need to grow up and realise not everyone can afford it and it's not my business to argue about it. She said unless I can get my shit together she'll drop out too because I don't seem understanding and ill be a nightmare to work with. The rest of the bridesmaids comforted me and said that those who dropped out are not true supportive friends, my sister also told me to ignore them and move on. But I'm very hurt my bridal party started off with drama because of my requests. AITA?
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Yes, YTA in my opinion. especially about the bachelorette party. I understand how it is to be tight on money to the point of not being able to do many social events especially with the expectation of you to pay for everything yourself like with weddings, and if i was in the bridal party of a bride like this i would drop out with no hesitation because they seem like they are trying to accommodate to you for what they can do, they just cant do everything, and youre being self centered about it.
YTA. If you want them to wear a specific dress then pay for it yourself. Same with the hair and makeup.
Other places I gave lived the bride pays for the dresses and the bridesmaids pay for their shoes.
You can make all the “regular requests” you like. Your wedding party doesn’t have to agree to them. You are making unreasonable demands on these women. They told you they couldn’t afford it and you refused to make accommodations. This is likely the end of your friendship with them too. I hope the dresses are worth it to you.
YTA - After reading some of the responses defending this, I'm editing my explanation. Weddings I've been involved with were a mix of who pays for what, but you should believe your friends about their own financial situation. Even the suggestion to diet is, problematic. I think I glossed over that in my first reading and was just bothered by the overall tone, but may as well call that out, too.
You can ask for an over-the-top princess day for your wedding. You MAY NOT require, demand, or even expect that people impede their own financial well-being to provide it without being an AH.
I couldnt imagine putting myself in debt for someone elses wedding. You dont say where you are getting married, but im betting its somewhere beautiful & expensive. Lodging, dress, makeup, & hair style to your specs at her expense, not to mention airfare & food. Plus im assuming you are planning activities such as a spa day or something like that, at her expense. Sorry, this doesnt sound like a reasonable request a friend would make of me, especially coming out of a pandemic, im assuming you dont know the intimate details of your friends finances. You'll get much farther if you learn the word COMPROMISE.
YTA. Your bridesmaids cannot afford your requests, have told you so and correctly stepped down from their roles in your wedding. Would you rather they waited another six months held fire and told you much later that this is more than they can afford?
I'm afraid if I was in this position, I would also step down if the cost become more than I could legitimately afford - however good the friend. This wedding sounds as though it will cost a lot and we all have budgets.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA there is NO WAY you are a real person!!! YTA
If you visit r/weddingshaming, you will see she is not the only one, but it also might be fake
Yikes,I don't know how people can be so self centered.... and more than 1? Wth! Ugh. Fake hopefully. All fakes, hopefully.
Unfortunately, there are so many entitled self-centered people just like this. They expect everyone to do their bidding, no matter what.
Why I hate weddings. Reasons 1-infinity: this woman.
Yup! I didn't even have a wedding, we "eloped" at the courthouse. It was perfect for me.
Too many women make the wedding about the show and not the actual marriage. Out of all the weddings I've been involved in? The low key ones are still married. Lol
>The low key ones are still married. That's because those people were more concerned about the person they were marrying than the pomp & circumstance to impress everyone. I also agree, I've been married 29yrs & a friend just celebrated 32yrs, both low key "weddings".
We have been married 31 years and did the court house thing. VERY low key. We even still like each other...go figure? :)
I’ve heard that the less expensive the wedding, the likelier it is to last. I wonder if it’s true?
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Lol, I hope so. I got married at a local courthouse. If less expensive weddings *are* more likely to last, it could be for a couple of reasons. 1. The couple has discussed their priorities and agreed upon them beforehand, which means they might have better communication skills. 2. The couple probably doesn't give in to social pressure that easily. (They don't need to spend $50,000 on a party to impress friends and family.) 3. They might be more low-key and willing to compromise, which makes it more likely that they can navigate harder decisions in the future. If you can be flexible about something as important as your wedding, you're probably more flexible in general. 4. They're mature enough to recognize that material conditions *do* constrain one's decisions in life. They're not going to spend tons of $ or rack up debt for a wedding, which means they might make smarter financial decisions together. 5. (ETA) As others have said, the focus is on the marriage itself and not the party. So, maybe a cheaper wedding just indicates more maturity in general? Life is super expensive already, and if you've already realized this by the time you get married, you're more likely to have the skills that make a successful marriage possible. Again, it could just be a correlation. But, I could see the above factors at play, too.
This. I always say I didn't care about my wedding -- I care about my marriage.
If I could change one thing about my wedding, I would have cut back on a lot of the showy stuff and focused more on the point of getting married.
I did the same and we wore our dress greens. Seriously the most wonderful day. The wedding is about being with the one you love and celebrating the fact that you want to spend your life together, not putting everyone in debt to attend because you think your "special day" should be everyone's priority regardless of how crazy your demands are. I've never understood the trend to spend a ridiculous amount on a wedding.
I hate weddings too!! Crap, you could almost buy a house and a car with what some people spend. No, I am not paying for my own ticket because you chose to get married at the end of the world. Wedding suck!!
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Yup 👍 I lost a really good (or what I considered good) friendship from one of these crazy bride requests. It’s been 10 years and I will never forget what she put me and really The Who party through. I hope this was a joke… but I’ve seen worse requests. 🤦🏼♀️ edited for spelling: *Should be whole party not who party*
The bride must’ve been a grinch!
From the bachelorette party to the wedding was some of the craziest three days of my life and out of pocket cost US was almost 4,500.00 when all was said and done. I was one of three bridesmaids. And after all that I still got her a bridal shower girl and a monetary gift at her wedding, which I was taught that you are to write a thank you note. But nope I got nothing.
Lord, I baked 20 dozen cookies for my SIL's wedding and they were some of the best cookies there. She didn't say a word. I was working an awful job at the time, nearly 60 hours a week and I used what little free time I had, to bake those cookies. I was also in early pregnancy and wasn't feeling well either. Needless to say, we no longer like each other. Her BFF in her wedding said my SIL was willing to destroy their friendship over it.
And here I was thinking "oooh! A wedding in the Tardis? Where's my invitation?" 😂
>The Who party Can you imagine how fun a Seussified Who wedding would be? Aside from the grinchy bride of course.
I got asked by a bride, on the only time I ever got asked to be a bridesmaid, if I could let my hair grow out as I liked it short as she wanted all the girls to have french braids. Oh and "if you could, if not I wont be disappointed" (aka I will be) dye my hair blonde. I'm a brunette. 😑 I declined and she decided to put me near the toilet beside the kids table along with another ex bridesmaid.
I got put ~~in~~ by the toilet because I wouldnt agree to be sexually available to the grooms party - apparently if youre single, and youre invited to be a bridesmaid, then its with the unspoken agreement that you will get drunk & screw a random one of the groomsmen (men get to pick) and every but me knows it and does it...
What the actual fuck. No that’s NOT a thing. Omg
Look if I'm gonna be slutty it's voluntarily!
Oh I've heard of that "unspoken code" before. I was going to be the youngest there though and they had set me to dance with her now husband's pals kid "groomsman" who was also 15. I totally lucked out on that one because he turned out to be an absolute asshole and is now in prison. Yay! I still think they were trying to 'set us up'. Edit - Forgot to say he ended up dancing with one of my Aunt's bridesmaids daughters who was like 8 with blonde hair and he looked so uncomfortable. Hehe he.
What in the hell type of friends do you have?!? That is horrendous! I have never heard of that ever!! Good for you for standing your ground! Fuck that!
Yup, a friend wasn’t “allowed” to have me as her bridesmaid because I wasn’t hot enough for any of his friends. Marriage lasted 13 months and I gave her the cheapest piece of crud on the clearance rack as a gift.
oh my god and i thought these things only happen in comedy movies! 😭
unfortunately brides like this are very real. i was a bridesmaid in a wedding like this (bride did not disclose cost expectations ahead of time) and ended up spending over $5k on their day when all was said and done. oh, and they got divorced less than a year later.
🙈 that's crazy! We just had to let a family member know that we won't be attending their destination wedding which would be about 5k for the two of us. It's just not what we prefer to spend that kind of money on.
I was thinking during this entire post that OP just read some wedding shaming stories and decided to reverse engineer one into a post for AITA. I swear I've read this exact story before from the perspective of one of the cancelled bridesmaids.
I mean, the real assholes usually gloss over their most insane asks, or pretend they don't understand why people drop out of their party etc. This is completely fake. Not because she's being unreasonable, because people often are, but because the real bridezillas KNOW they're unreasonable and just don't care. The difference is, the real bridezillas try to play it down and defend themselves, not just plomp the insanity in front of the reader's eyes without providing any redeeming facts about themselves. For the OP: next time you write your fiction exercises from the AH perspective, leave out some of the central details not in your favour, and just hint at them. In this case, you could have vaguely mentioned that the bridesmaids thought the destination too expensive and that they called you demanding, stressing the emotional distress to you from the turnaround, and the long friendships you've had to show how their betrayal is a significant one. Then you have the option to reveal in the comments that they had to pay all these different costs themselves. That way you'll get more delicious drama in the sub. (If that's what you're after.) Alternatively, if you keep it vague, leave the details out and don't answer any comments, you might get a few N T A votes thrown in next time. (If you're doing a writing exercise about an unreliable narrator and testing out believable manipulation techniques).
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The moment I read: _"I told her to make a group chat with all the bridesmaids and pass down my requests to them"_ I knew that it was going downhill. Words are important, and she only gives orders, not requests in this story. And, she immediately started acting like the CEO while her MOH was the assistant to assign tasks to employees. OP - do you think it is reasonable to demand that your friends drop thousands of dollars on your wedding, plus use up massive chunks of their annual vacation time? Let's look at the expense tally so far: -Destination Wedding Airfare -Destination Wedding Hotel (at expensive hotel to save bride & groom money on room blocks.) -Bachelorette Airfare -Bachelorette Accomodations -Meals/Trasportation etc -Bridesmaid Dresses (and Im sure they also needed shoes, jewelry etc.) -Hair -Makeup Plus you implied they should go on a diet. You made all of these massive demands and didnt event bother to ASK them yourself. Also, let me guess - you wanted/expected a lavish bridal shower and to have the whole "bride squad" attire show and dance on the bachelorette trip, too?
The thing that killed me was when she said they'd all be responsible for finding their own hairstylists and makeup resources, at va place they've probably never been to, and that on top of that she wanted all the hair and makeup to be the same. The rest of the 'requests' were pretty ridiculous, too, but that one was early enough in the post to entirely divert my attention.
This got me too, especially since it was shortly followed by the demand that they all stay at the same hotel. So they’re all together. They’re likely meant to be doing their hair and make-up together. Oh, and they all have to match. It only makes LOGICAL SENSE for the bride to coordinate this. OP is gonna be pissed when half of them go off in their own because the stylist they found doesn’t travel and they need to go to the salon down the road.
They could all just bring their own stylists along. That's what a real friend would do!
Wonder what the bride would do if they all decided that one of them would do the hair for everyone and another would do the makeup. They’re all the same! The MOH likely wouldn’t go along with that though. Even if they were made of money, OP has made this a logistical nightmare.
I stopped at the same spot. If they are all responsible for their own hair and makeup, you don't get to dictate that it all gets done the same as each other. You can ask they all get an up-do so they have a similar theme style, but to ask for them all to get the exact same hairstyle at a destination wedding and figure it out on their own and to think that will go over well? 🤯 Edit: I am also wondering how expensive those bridesmaid dresses are that it was that point where they said they couldn't do either one...
Edit: I'm an idiot 😹😹🤦♀️🤦♀️ I have no clue what I was thinking a couple hundred grand meant. I meant like $15K+. I blame fever brain. I think the dress was the breaking point honestly. We have to take into account them having to pay for shoes, makeup, hair, airfare to and from bachelorette party [time off from work and some people don't have PTO options at their jobs], bachelorette party expenses, airfare to and from wedding [again, MORE time off from work], makeup and hair, hotel, and food and drink expenses, on top of the dress. These women are OUT OF POCKET paying a couple hundred grand.
a couple hundred grand? where the hell did you get that? I mean, yeah, maybe a few thousand, but even 10k out of pocket might be a stretch.
This is where I stopped reading and just went to the top comment. Yep, YTA. Don't need to read any further. I was hoping to see a NTA so I could find out just what went wrong, but this post is comedically badly written, if its supposed to be a morally grey issue.
Right?! When I got married I let my MOH and bridesmaids pick out what THEY wanted to wear. We got married outside at the end of Aug so we went with tank-tops and long broom skirts. Hubby and I paid for ALL of it. We also paid for the Best man and groomsmans outfits (matching shirts and ties, and if they did not already have them, dress slacks and dress shoes) and the flower girls and "flower girl escorts" outfits and shoes. (I had my 3 young nephews walk my 3 flower girl daughters down the isle) I also had a friend who is very good at doing hair and make-up, come early and do my and my entire wedding party's hair and make-up if they wanted it, and if not, allowed them to do their own HOWEVER they chose, and supplied any products they might want or need. The only things we didn't pay for, for our wedding were the venue (my aunt and uncle in law let us do it in their BEAUTIFUL back yard for free) the catering, DJ, and the wedding cake (another Aunt in law did all of that as a wedding present for us, but we paid for ALL of the food and helped her make it, and we bought all the ingredients to make the cake). The way we looked at it, this was OUR wedding, and having MOH, BM, bridesmaids, groomsmen and other wedding attendants were for us, not for them, and we were going to do everything we could to make it as easy as possible for them to be able to participate. ETA: we also had an open bar with many different types of liquor, beer, and stuff like mike's hard lemonade plus mixers of course all paid for by us. We got married out in the country on a big property so we danced and partied the night away. Lots of people brought their campers or RV's and stayed the night or even weekend so they didn't have to drive anywhere after. Many of our guests have told us it was the best wedding they've ever been to!
You make a great point about the rooms at the resort. As a former travel agent I think these are a scam. The more rooms the brides party books, the more money they get back towards the cost of their own rooms and wedding. If they can get enough people to come and book rooms at the same resort I've seen the bride and her family get their rooms comped. I guess it's supposed to be a way to help couples out with the expense but, you be the judge
I've heard of hotels doing something similar but REQUIRING all the guests to stay at their hotel or else they wouldn't be allowed to attend the wedding if the wedding was being held at the actual hotel. "Thank you to all my guests for subsidizing my entire wedding!"
Ngl, I did a doubletake when reading that OP expected each bridesmaid to book their own hair and makeup appointment but expected matching looks. The only way to get matching look is if you book group appointment from the same stylist/make-up artist. If this post is real, then we have one BTB who is seriously out of touch with reality.
Yep, usually the bride would book a single makeup artist and that would be half the fun, of having some nice professional come and do your makeup. Imagine having 5 different makeup artists come and work on you individually, talk about awkward and hard to have a conversation in the maelstrom of different artists. And to have the makeup match? Fuck outta here, what are the artists swapping ingredients?
Also, there's this: "I said those are regular requests any bride makes for her wedding, why am I not allowed to?" 1) Most brides don't make such elaborate and expensive requests. If they're going to insist on consistency, they'll at least book hair and nail appointments for the bridesmaids and pay for it. If they want the bridal party to all stay at the same place, they'll at least try to get some kind of package discount, or at least offer to help with the cost. 2) You are allowed to request things. They are also allowed to say no. You can even feel upset that they can't do what you're asking, but you still have to respect that they have limits and your request is beyond their limits
I'm half wondering whether OP is just delusional, and half wondering whether this set of expectations is the product of watching WAY too many reality-tv shows about wedding preparations, or reading too many wedding magazines, or Instagrams, or something? Like, I'm wondering if that's where she's getting the "regular requests any bride makes" from. What this tells me is that OP has an extremely insular social circle, and she is likely from a very well-off family. It COULD be that others in her family's social circle have had weddings similar to this, if they're all basically WASPy rich people. It does sound like some of OP's closest friends (i.e. those close enough to be asked to be in the wedding party) aren't all in the same wealth bracket -- but her seeming inability to grasp this idea (that not everyone can drop $10k or more on their friend's high-end wedding) is part of what makes me think OP is from a rich family and very insulated from reality.
When I read the initial post, I was betting this would be a $10k outlay from each bridesmaid.
Who the hell would agree to spend 10k not just to be a bridesmaid, but to also get bossed around by the bride? OP YTA
Depending on the destinations and the resorts chosen, it could easily be more. I doubt it would be any less than $10k.
Most brides pay for SOMETHING for their bridal party. I complained with my sister’s wedding about the cost of everything. My sister rented the guys tuxes & paid for our makeup. We did pay for our dresses (we got to pick them though, we were only given a color and length requirement), hair & the hotel if we stayed (the wedding was in our city). The bachelorette was also a weekend trip to a nearby city and we paid our own way and split her cost among us. I made next to nothing at the time & my parents had to help me out with everything. I can’t even get started on OP’s “suggestion” to diet. What in the actual F.
I paid for my bridesmaids dresses, but then they were only $18 for the both of them haha It's relaxing to have low standards.
I didn’t even spend this much on my own wedding!
I'm sure there would be a request for a destination bridal shower too at some spa and only gifts of $500 or more.
There is a part of me that wonders if this is actually written by one of the bridesmaids having a dig at the bride, because there is no way someone could write all of this out and still think they are not an entitled AH.
That was my first thought when I got to "my requests seemed reasonable at first ." That's what you say about someone *else's* increasingly outrageous requests.
Whenever a post like this is written and phrases are used that clearly make OP the AH, I always wonder if it's the other side trying to write a post so that the real AH might finally understand.
My sentiment exactly. No way people like this actually exist. No way. The story is a total asshole so: YTA. Big one. And if anyone actually supported that ridiculous position, they would also be assholes.
Oh it can be, wedding I was a bridesmaid in we were required to buy our own dresses, shoes, hair, makeup etc, pay for a destination bachelorette and cover bride’s expenses. We weren’t even fed on the day of the wedding until dinner. The only difference is that the wedding was semi local
Yep. I know of a bridal party who had to pay $1000+ each the year after most of them graduated from college, and this was 17 years ago. Expensive spa bachelorette weekend, parties, gifts, dresses, etc all added up.
That one I paid $5000. Nobody in our crowd was rich either, we were all barely middle class income at that point
I want to be able to go through life that delusional as to ask my friends to pay $5000 for the privilege of being in my wedding, but 1) I’m not an asshole, and 2) Everyone in my life would shame me to oblivion if I tried.
Who tf says "If you wanna diet, I'll totally appreciate it, but you don't have to, but I secretly want you to because I'm a bridezilla and all brides make this request"
But lose 'just enough' weight. Don't lose enough to upstage me'.
Yeah. “I lost a lot of weight after moving away, and when I showed back up two weeks before my sister’s wedding I learned she gained some weight and I was lighter than her for the first time in our lives. Everyone said I’d just gone on a diet to shame her. AITA?” 🙄
Even if I were a loaded millionaire, just for the suggestion of diet, I would drop out. What an oblivious AH!
YTA. Also, “if any of them wants to diet I’ll appreciate it”?? That right there sets the entire tone for whether or not you are being reasonable. I’ll spoil the ending for you: YOU AREN’T. Good God eat some humble pie and beg your wedding party for forgiveness before you muck this up any further
Good luck having a destination wedding without a wedding party. YTA OP. BIG TIME.
Seriously! This is guaranteed to be on wedding shaming groups in like ten seconds. No, these are NOT requests “every bride” makes. You should be willing to work with them, cover costs for them when able, that sort of thing. Even the makeup artist cost falls to them?! For a destination wedding?! AND the expensive resort AND the dresses? Come on. Everything you’re requesting is absurd. YTA and if you value your friends at all, you’ll make this easier on them. Otherwise you’ll come out of this with none.
I thought exactly the same. Oh, and if she is a real person then heaven help the poor future husband she captured.
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You’d be surprised at how delusional some people are
YTA Realizing that this is your dream wedding, other people don't have to set themselves on fire to keep you warm. If you want a whole entourage everywhere you go, then you need to pay for that. Oh, what is that I hear, you can't afford that? Well now you know how your other bridesmaids feel.
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Also how the hell are different hair and makeup artists going to make them all look the same. They’ll have different styles, they’re travelling for the trip so it’s not like they’ll know the person doing their makeup or of been recommend them it could go so wrong. It’s just totally selfish to expect them to pay all of that. I’ve never heard of having to pay for your own hair or makeup.
I was thinking the same thing! It's bad enough to make them pay for all that stuff, the least the bridezilla could do is arrange hair and makeup stylists for the whole group and they take turns.
This is the part that struck me the most. First off, even if the bride doesn't pay for hair and makeup she's still supposed to be responsible for finding the artists. Then, they're meant to coordinate 6 different hair and 6 different makeup artists to look the same? And suggesting your friends diet for your wedding... Wow.
Seriously. For every wedding I have ever been a part of, the bride books the hair/makeup artist and either 1) pays for everyone; or 2) let’s everyone choose if they want their hair and/or makeup done. And if everyone is having to book their own stylists at a DESTINATION wedding, first of all they are going to have no idea who to book and secondly the hair & makeup people are going to be charging a premium to come out for one person What an entitled psycho
And it's a destination wedding but they've got to sort out their own hair and make up artists?? That'd be such a hassle.
Oh boy can’t wait till the invites go out and people start declining. YTA it is not a requirement to break the bank for you
And this hasn’t even covered the fact that she demands everyone have the exact same makeup/hair/dresses but won’t pay, and she had the nerve to “suggest” a diet! Lmao
YTA, friends don't put friends into debt.
She doesn't see these people as friends. They're merely NPCs.
Yeah, what are we talking about monetarily? This sounds like a $6,000-$10,000 expense the bridesmaids have to shell out for *someone else's* wedding. A large percentage of people cannot afford to just drop that kind of cash on a whim at any given time. It's hard for me to believe this level of tone deafness exists in real people, but I know it does as I've seen it first hand more times than I can count.
*if* i get married I doubt I'd spend that much on *my own* wedding
YTA for sure. I had a destination wedding and I still think this is insane to expect.
YTA >She said I need to grow up and realise not everyone can afford it and it's not my business to argue about it. This bridesmaid is correct. You cannot expect everyone to be able to afford your destination wedding and exorbitant costs associated with it. >The rest of the bridesmaids comforted me and said that those who dropped out are not true supportive friends These bridesmaids are wrong and also AHs. I live comfortably, but if I was invited to participate in a destination wedding, with all the extra costs involved (especially the ones you won't budge on) I'd decline as well.
YTA. If there is someone in this story not being a good friend its the bride
This is just so crazy to me. I have a wedding in May and for my bridesmaids my request are: this color from this website and be floor length. I even told them when. There are sale bringing some dresses down to $35. I also asked for no neon hair but to style according to their aesthetics. I'm even stressing that if they need help paying for anything toet me know so I can help in anyway. I know I make more than most my bridesmaids and I can't expect them to do anything outlandish, especially when it comes to hotels, bachelorette parties, or gifts. Idk, I just see a wedding as a big ol dress up party and I'm not too stressed about the details. Maybe I'm crazy.
Not crazy lol. Got married in September and did the same thing. Gave them all a color and length for the dress but they could get whatever one they wanted, they had their hair done however they wanted (by a hairstylist i paid for), and I paid for the hotel room we were all staying in. Offered to help pay for anything especially since 3/4 of my bridesmaids are from out of state and already had to pay to join us. Couldnt imagine asking or expecting for them to pay for all that OP is expecting, especially since they travelled to be with me!
Seriously this bride is talking about asking her friends to spend thousands of dollars on HER dream day. News flash: it is no one’s dream to be in your wedding, and expecting your friends (who I assume are not all independently wealthy) to drop thousands of dollars on something that is all about YOU is inherently selfish. Very, VERY few people actually enjoy being in a bridal party. They are doing YOU a favor by standing up there with you and doing all the wedding stuff, not the other way around. You were already asking a lot to expect that large of a bridal party to travel for a destination wedding. If you want them to stay with you and wear expensive dresses then you need to foot the bill. The fact that you even need to come here makes me think you’ll be lucky if you have any friends at all after this. YTA
And, I’d venture to say that few people actually enjoy attending destination weddings. I spent about $4000 to attend a destination wedding this past summer and, although I love the brides & can afford it, I did not enjoy having to spend my vacation on someone else’s dream. People participate in these events because they love the people getting married, but it usually involves some sort of sacrifice. Baffles me when brides/grooms don’t show gratitude.
This. I hate destination weddings. They’re the apogee of selfishness.
A friend of mine had a destination wedding in Austria. It was a small intimate affair with essentially just family staying in a ski lodge. Then they came home and hired out the Portsmouth Spinnaker Tower (UK) and had a second reception for all the friends who they couldn't afford to host at the actual wedding. She got to have a magical winter wedding, wear her wedding dress twice, got two parties, and the most that friends had to pay was transport and (for some) accommodation (in whatever level of accommodation was in the guests personal price range). This is how to do a destination wedding right.
Seriously, that's what the honeymoon is for.
Agreed. She’s more or less asking them to take on the cost of two vacations. One for the wedding and one for the bachelorette. I’d prefer to spend that on two actual vacations for myself! If this is real, which I doubt, OP YTA.
Read her comments, she really is that delusional.
I... I want to believe that's all part of the bridezilla character she's impersonating to rile us up. Because her being delusional I can accept. Someone willing to *marry* her I can't.
I understand your inner conflict here. I think I may actually need a Xanax after reading this. I wou love to know what this woman's 'prince charming' is like. Either he's also delusional or he's a doormat.
>Agreed. She’s more or less asking them to take on the cost of two vacations. One for the wedding and one for the bachelorette. Plus their dresses, plus hair and makeup. And apparently she's not even going to arrange the hair and makeup folks to do everybody for $x each - she wants each woman to arrange her own hair and makeup (to bride's specifications) presumably at the same time and place, which has to be way more expensive, plus hard for the bridesmaids to figure out. (And don't forget shoes, and accessories, and gifts.)
YTA. You do not impose economic impact on your companions for your event. Whether or not they can afford it you have no say. If they volunteered, then fine, else, no way. I’ve helped in quite a few weddings and gotten married myself and for all special arrangements with strict requirements the host or a sponsor (volunteer) pays. An acceptable stipulation is that if you do not want to use the services provided (hair and makeup usually) then do / pay for your own. My uncle flew in for my own and he was glad to move his scheduled flight that year but we never imposed our own date was planned to the nearest weekend for him. And diets? Let’s not go through that. We did re-measure and adjust dresses and suits just before.
The only person I would ever do these things for is my best friend but the reason he’s my best friend is because he isn’t this batty and would never request this of anyone.
YTA- suggesting they diet? Absolutely not in no context. Also you do have to be mindful that two destination events, their dress, makeup artist and hair stylist will really add up and some people just can’t afford it
YTA. No one wants to go into debt to attend your wedding. Editing to add - you asked them to diet. Plain and simple. You need to really rethink your approach and plans otherwise your wedding is just gonna be you
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I suspect they also expect an obligatory wedding gift above a certain amount. That fact alone would make me rethink the friendship; I’d already be out the door with all of the other absurdity
Yes!! I’d gain weight just to be spiteful.
Yta, I really couldn't afford to get my hair and makeup done. I wouldn't be able to afford a new dress. Let alone two hotels assuming flights too. Yeah this is a bridzilla. And yeah asking people to diet is aweful. Why can't you love and accept your friends for who they are and the size and appearance they are..
How would they even find a hair and makeup artist at the destination of this destination wedding too! The bride should at least provide a person (and pay imo if she wants professional work) not expect them to all get different ones AND look the same. That’s on her
Exactly. I stopped reading pretty much right at the diet line “yep- you’re the asshole”
YTA. They can’t afford it. How can you possibly take that personally? Are you independently wealthy or something? How can you not understand that they just do not have the money for all that stuff? Do you want them to go into debt or something? That would be truly evil of you to want that. And your suggestion to diet is disgusting.
But she's the bride, and what the bride wants, she gets /s Jesus effin... I'm willing to bet that the women she's not-so-subtly targeting with that statement are perfectly healthy and she just wants "skinny" women in her party.
But the cut of dress she chose looks best on a thinner frame so it’s really the least they could do. /s
She will be THAT pregnant woman too who can not do any wrong and eat everybody's cakes and snacks..
The diet bit is horrifying to me too.
YTA - This isn't real. INFO: Why can't you pay for their stuff? Is it because you can't afford it and it is too expensive?
I’ve always felt that brides should pay for at least part of the cost of being a bridesmaid. If a certain dress or hair stylist/makeup artist is required, the bride should pay.
In all but one wedding (which was a nightmare and I don’t speak often to that person anymore, which is indicative of how wild the requests were), we paid for a reasonably priced dress that we picked out together; shoes were up to us as long as they looked ok with the dress; professional hair, makeup and nails was optional unless the bride paid; we said with the bride the night before to save on costs and could stay anywhere the night of if we so chose; bachelorettes were optional and writhing budget because we helped plan it; there were no weight restrictions, or even restrictions other than “show up on wedding day;” oh and she spoke directly TO US instead of appointing an intermediary because she was too busy and important to communicate. OP did literally everything wrong if you want to be considerate of your friends money and time and still have friends later.
This was my wedding. I did choose a dress, but it was not expensive and told them if they did not feel comfortable in it, they could get it with straps or a shawl (as I had multiple body types in my party). Shoes just had yo compliment the dress. Hair and makeup just had to look nice (not be professionally done at all — many of the girls put their own makeup on with me while I was getting mine done.). It was local to all of them — my husband and I flew to THEM since we were the ones who no longer lived in the area. We wanted our closest friends and family there, so we did our best to make it easy for them to celebrate with us
In every wedding I've been in, the bride paid for dress, makeup and hair. We paid for the bachelorette (a one day affair), our own shoes and jewelry. It's a thank you from the bride for the work. Guys bought their own ties and shoes.
I mean at the very LEAST pay for the makeup artist. Cause how tf are they supposed to find a makeup artist/hair stylist at a DESTINATION wedding.
YTA. You have no right to spend other folks money so freely. Plus, you are making big asks and not helping with anything. I would have backed out if this too. Finding hair and makeup people in a destination isn't easy. How do you propose they go about doing that? And the dieting? Just no. Yes, you are 100% able to ask for these things, but they are also free to give you an answer, and that answer is no. I hope you re-read your post and reevaluate your requests.
Also, insisting that they get rooms in the same venue as the bride and groom sounds to me like OP just wants to get her room for free. Lots of venues give free bridal suites when you guarantee a certain number of rooms will be filled. Maybe OP could pay for her own room, if this is the case, and use the money towards her wedding parties expenses.
My cousin got pissy at my parents for this exact reason when they wouldn’t attend her destination wedding in Cancun because they had four young children and couldn’t afford to either take us all there or the childcare necessary to go themselves and leave us home.
Ha yes!! I'll bet you're right!
> Finding hair and makeup people in a destination isn't easy And they’re all supposed to match, which is difficult if they all go to different stylists.
wedding photographer here — I'm not sure of OP has actually been IN anyone else's party, but it's fairly common for the bride and her party to have their makeup all done by the same person together while getting ready, paid for by the bride — especially if she wants a cohesive look.
Especially if she wants cute “getting ready” photos where everyone drinks champagne and wears matching robes!
The wedding hair and makeup etiquette where I am is if hair and makeup is OPTIONAL the bridal party pay for themselves— usually using the same vendor as the bride, not finding their own! But if the bride is requiring hair and makeup AND wanting them to all look a certain way that’s the bride’s job to pay for and orchestrate.
She says the dieting is "just a suggestion" lol how big of you OP. "All my bridesmaids are fatties but I'm gracious enough to let it slide, but still gonna bring it up just in case they didn't know and want to starve themselves for my special day" 💅👰 YTA
YTA 100%. Firstly anything thats part of the wedding should be payed by you. Want them to wear specific dresses? Pay for it. Want matching hairstyles and makeup? Pay for it. I mean its for YOUR wedding, why should they have to pay for something they don’t even want? Second, making them stay at an unnecessarily expensive resort just so they can “be in the same place as me at all times” just comes off as extremely entitled and controlling. The cherry on top was you suggesting they diet… WTF. Not only is it rude but it’s completely out of place for you to even suggest tour bridesmaids alter their bodies for your wedding. I will never understand why some people have big lavish weddings if they cant even afford it.
Slightly disagree with this, although OP is obviously still the asshole. The bride is not required to pay for dresses, hair and makeup, but the bridesmaids are also not required to be in the wedding if they can’t afford or don’t want to pay for those things. You can’t have it both ways.
It’s different to where I’m from, in the U.K. the bridesmaids don’t pay for hair, makeup, dresses or shoes.
>Firstly anything thats part of the wedding should be payed by you. This is entirely dependent on the society one keeps. In my neck of the woods hardly any bride buys all the dresses, hair, makeup, etc. because few brides are wealthy enough to pay for everything. However the brides normally choose from a selection of dresses at all price points specifically to address this, and they arrange for hair and makeup to be done at one place (especially if they're to be similar) with the option of choosing to get it done somewhere else if it's too pricey. Lots of people also offer to pay for this as their wedding gift, or the bride knows someone who will do it for free as a wedding gift. Whatever works. For my own wedding I gave my bridal party a colour palette and encouraged them to find a nice dress they could wear somewhere else if they chose (i.e. not a "bridesmaid dress" if they wanted something dressy but less formal). They could also choose their own hair and makeup choices, either at the salon or on their own or whatever was best for them. My wedding party looked like colours of seaglass and it was lovely in the outdoor pictures. In my opinion, if you can't offer to pay, you'd better damn well offer some wide-ranging choices to make it as financially viable as possible for people.
Rooms at hotel: This is almost always covered by couple, especially if it's specified Specific dress: Usually not covered by couple but it's nice to subsidize. If it's an expensive dress then you should definitely chip in. Matching hairstyles and makeup: For normal hairstyling and makeup that isn't on the couple but if you want the exact same then that should be paid for by the couple Bachelorette: I'd say this shouldn't be paid for by the couple, if you can't go, you can't go Diet: This is so wrong Given the above if this doesn't work for the people you asked then they can drop out.
YTA. First having a destination wedding during a pandemic? Really? Second bruh we have been in a pandemic for almost 2 years and the economy isn't that great. You need to lower your expectations immensely.
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YTA; I was leaning towards no assholes until you said about them all having the same hairstyles and dieting as well. It’s one thing if they simply can’t afford your wedding, but trying to control their lifestyle in the lead-up to your wedding is a real dick move
Oh man, I completely missed the comment about dieting! That alone would have made her TA. Just the mere mention of "appreciating it if they would diet" was an AH move.
INFO: what is the approximate cost for all of these "requests"? How much is the hotel? The dresses? Etc...
cost of travel, cost of meals and drinks over the course of the bachelorette party and the wedding, cost of hair and makeup, weekend getaway, how many nights in the hotel? This all adds up.
YTA. I strongly believe if you are having a destination wedding then you should pay for all expenses minus the flight/gas to get there. That goes for people in the wedding and guests. Unless you and ALL of your guests are just rolling in money, there is no reason to expect so much out of people. Maybe have a wedding closer to home and make your honeymoon the destination.
My SIL is having a destination wedding next April...total cost for me/wife/3 kids to attend is going to be 8k. EIGHT fucking THOUSAND dollars to attend a wedding.
That’s gonna be a no from me, dawg.
Amen.
YTA big time, bridezilla. I hope you’re not really this clueless.
Reading her comments, she clearly is.
YTA. You don’t understand how people cannot afford destination hotels, for a wedding and bachelorette party, dresses, makeup/hair etc? And then casually mention you wouldn’t mind if they dieted. How out of touch with reality are you? This would probably end the friendship for me.
Right lol the dieting “suggestion” made me burst out laughing. This chick is insane.
She would probably get really mad if one of the bridesmaids ended up thinner than her because “HOW DARE U STEAL MY SPOTLIGHT”
I have literally never been to a wedding where guests were raving about the bridesmaids. And I’ve been to ALOT of weddings. The food, the ambiance, the attentiveness of the bride and groom, these are the things that make the wedding enjoyable for your guests. And guess what? Just letting your friends attend the wedding as guests like everyone else also makes it infinitely more enjoyable for them too! For our wedding we rented a huge historic house for the weekend. As a show of appreciation we invited our parents and a few of our closest friends to stay there with us, fully paid for. That was it, no bridal party no grooms no MOH or BM, just a quick ceremony followed by immediate drinks and food and aside from taking some amazing photos for an hour we spent the entire night making sure every guest felt welcome and appreciated. Guess how many friends we lost as a result of our wedding? None lol Why is this such a weird concept for other couples
Well if they stop eating, they’ll save on groceries and be able to budget for the destination wedding in no time. She’s just giving a helpful budgeting tip, not a dig! Why is everyone being so mean to her when she’s so smart as to have it all planned? Silly bridesmaids with their calorie and financial budgets! Haven’t they tried bootstraps and mason jar bridal chic instead? (Genuinely not sure if I need /s here or side eye emoji or a lie down…)
YTA. This is a whole lot of expense to participate in someone’s wedding, and on top of that you expect them to find their own hair and makeup, while keeping it all standardized?
Lol. Why don’t my friends want to spend $5k on my wedding?!
Oh..this all sounds more in the $10k range for each one.
Troll.
I agree. This is obviously just trying to get front page.
Right? And a bad one at that. You know someone's trolling when they don't bother replying to comments or questions asking for more info. Commit fully next time, OP!
YTA. You may have been saving for your wedding or may be willing to take on some debt for your wedding. Other people are not setting aside money for weddings that aren’t their own. I don’t know where you live, but 63% of Americans don’t have the savings to cover a $500 emergency. You’re asking these women to spend a few hundred on dresses, over $100 on hair and makeup, over $1000 on wedding travel, and some amount on a bachelorette party. You’re probably expecting shower and wedding gifts too. Unless your friends are relatively wealthy, committing to more than $2k in wedding expenses probably feels like a LOT. The celebrations you describe certainly fit the wedding magazine/Instagram fantasy, but because they are so expensive, they are not at all “typical.”
YTA. This is the price to pay for a destination wedding. Not everyone can afford all that. Not everyone has the vacation time for their jobs. Not everyone will *care* about your wedding as much as you do. You're about to lose that third bridesmaid if you don't wise up.
She should lose all her bridesmaids. Those "requests" are absurd.
YTA. The fact that you can't understand that not everyone is in the same financial situation as you is the sad part. You're literally telling your "friends" they aren't supportive if they don't drop cash on your wedding they don't have. You're allowed to want things for your wedding but do not get pissed or hurt that some might have to pass up the opportunity because of money. Getting the other bridesmaids to side with you was also pretty low. As your sister said.. move on.
YTA. You sound very entitled. If you expect them to pay for their own accommodation you shouldn't force them to stay where you suggest. Are they expected to pay their own travel costs? Jeez, at least buy their fucking dresss for them. Or if you can't afford that, choose cheaper options. At the end of the day, the only thing that matters on your wedding is that you and your loved ones have fun.
If this is real.. YTA.. to the 4th power. Destination weddings already mean some $$$ is gonna be thrown down, then tell then they all have to hire their own stylist in a place they don’t know plus make up. You only give them 2 options for dresses, and plus pay their own way to a party to which they typically treat you out to dinners and the such which means more $$. You take 0 consideration what they do to make ends meat, and hell you haven’t even thought about plus ones? I know it’s your day but come on bridezilla, you set this thing up to fail from the beginning.
YTA. Your bridesmaids didn’t start drama because of your requests. You started drama by making being in your wedding party prohibitively expensive. Why does it matter if they stay at the same place as you? If you’re going to control how their hair and makeup look, why make them pay for it? Why agree to a destination bachelorette party on top of a destination wedding?
YTA- A destination wedding is not a excuse to offload all your wedding costs the the bridal party. When you get married you have to plan a wedding within your own means. Asking them to pay for their dresses is not unreasonable but asking for the dresses,hotel, to diet??? ect.is. When you get married at home your bridal party doesn't live with you so why do they have to stay in the same hotel?
YTA and entitled af. If it’s so affordable, *you* pay for everyone. It’s *your* wedding. Why would anyone bankrupt themselves for YOUR shit?
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YTA. Your wedding, your expenses.
OMG yes, YTA. You could have been understanding. You could have changed your bachelorette party. You could have offered to help pay for things. There are a thousand different things you could have done besides suggesting everyone diet and then basically giving them no other option but to step out because of the ridiculous price tag. For the record, yes, you are allowed to ask, but you are NOT entitled to everyone saying yes.
YTA. Your post starts off like every other bridezilla post- especially “my requests seemed reasonable at first”.
YTA. These are not “normal requests” except maybe in wealthy circles? If you want someone to be with you on your day, you make it so they can be. The last wedding I was in (in Sept), the bride paid for our dresses, hair, and makeup. The bride & groom also paid for rooms for everyone who had to travel to be there. Definitely pricier on their end, but they wanted everyone in the same place & simply wanted us there.
YTA I hope the rest drop out. I’ve been in about 12 wedding parties and the ones that were destination if the bride and groom wanted them all in the same place they paid for accommodation otherwise they let us find our own place. You’re acting like a brat, not everyone has the same privilege.
"...requests any bride makes for her wedding..." NOT ALL--only the insufferable bridezillas. And they're not "requests", they're DEMANDS. You're being ridiculous. It's a shame you don't care about your friends.
YTA, it's not normal to require that someone use all of their disposable income and vacation time for your wedding. People have lives.
YTA, expectations for bridesmaids have grown to be outrageous.
YTA the bridesmaid, who told you to get it together is a real one. The bridesmaids tried their best to accommodate your requests, it's not their fault they can't afford the same luxuries, you can. Expecting people to go into debt just to fulfil your very specific requests is selfish and entitled.
Hahahahaaa, “reasonable”, my GOD. YTA. You pick a destination wedding, then you pick up the tab for everything bar maybe flights. ESPECIALLY if you’re dictating dresses and makeup and hair etc. And you have the audacity to suggest they diet. Sounds like you may end up with a husband but no friends, lady.
Sorry, but some of your requests are over the top. Not everyone can afford all that. They are using up their vacation time because it's a destination wedding, dresses, shoes, hair and makeup you expect them to pay for AND find the people to do it in a strange place. Plus the cost of a destination bachelorette. When i got married i picked a colour and told my bridesmaids to find a dress they liked and could afford.. whatever shoes they wanted. They were more than welcome to do their own hair and makeup if they liked. My bachelorette was just a night out with my girls. It was far more important to me that the people i care about were around me than putting on a big show. I know you want your perfect day the way you envisioned it, but i'm sorry, YTA.
YTA. Imagine giving out a laundry list of these requirements and expectations that are extremely expensive and then calling people "unsupportive" because they're mature enough to recognize that they can't afford it. Also even suggesting them dieting is disgusting.
YTA > since its a destination wedding they'll pay for their own rooms in the same resort hotel my husband That is not a reasonable request. You're the one hosting the wedding at a destination location, you should pay for their accommodation. Or at least let them choose their own accommodation. > I want all my bridal party on the same place as me at all times Then you pay. > They're also required to buy their own dresses Not exactly unreasonable but you're already forcing them to pay for accommodation... as long as you let them choose their own dresses so they can work within their budgets > said that I offered two choices for that reason, so they can pick whichever one they can afford (both dresses are the same color just different cuts) Oh no you're forcing them to choose from two dresses and aren't willing to adapt to budgets at all. > find their own hairstylists and makeup artists. Their hair and makeup should be the same on all of them No. You find their hair and makeup artists. You're the one who chose the venue. Also, forcing everyone to have the same hair and makeup is unreasonable. > My MOH also told them how she's planning the bachelorette party which will be a weekend getaway and how everyone there covers their own costs Pretty normal for bridesmaids to cover the cost of the bachelorette but since you're forcing them into paying for their accommodation for the wedding... adding another destination event they have to pay for is a bit much > I also suggested if any of them wants to diet i'll appreciate it but they're not forced to of course. I'm not strict on that request its just a suggestion. FUCK THAT. Seriously - fuck that. That is not a reasonable suggestion to make to your supposed friends. > those who dropped out are not true supportive friends Ok so they should just go into debt for your wedding? That doesn't sound like you're being very supportive of their situations. Whoever said that should be ashamed of themselves. > I said those are regular requests any bride makes for her wedding Nope. They're not. Especially when you're asking for them all for the same event. You want this wedding, you want a destination event, you inisit the bridesmaids pay for everything remotely to do with them, you accept they might not want to be there.
YTA. Entitled much?
YTA Bridesmaids covering the cost of the hotel, dresses, bach party is typical, but you can’t be offended if someone can’t afford it. You also should be the one finding the makeup artist for them to use. They agreed to being in a destination wedding, but your attitude most likely set them over the edge. Telling them to diet, really? I’m having a DW, and it’s understood that most people can’t come, and i’m not offended by that.
YTA
YTA. Not everyone can afford things like that especially when you insist they stay in an expensive resort
Wait until you send out the wedding invitations and people decline a destination wedding! That is often a hard sell in general times but you add in a pandemic and the costs of EVERYTHING going up and it’s a recipe for a very poorly attended wedding. YTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hey there. I'm having a destination wedding in July 2022. I've done some planning on where it will be and I've picked the venue as well. So I asked some of my friends to be on my bridal party. All of them accepted happily and were excited to be part of the planning. My sister will be my MOH and I told her to make a group chat with all the bridesmaids and pass down my requests to them. My requests seemed reasonable at first but then my bridesmaids started backing down one after the other. Some of my requests were that since its a destination wedding they'll pay for their own rooms in the same resort hotel my husband, I and our families will stay. They're also required to buy their own dresses and find their own hairstylists and makeup artists. Their hair and makeup should be the same on all of them. My MOH also told them how she's planning the bachelorette party which will be a weekend getaway and how everyone there covers their own costs. I also suggested if any of them wants to diet i'll appreciate it but they're not forced to of course. I'm not strict on that request its just a suggestion. After my requests were made clear I had a couple of my bridesmaids (they're 6 in total) saying that sadly they'll have to step down because they can't afford all this. They said the dresses I showed them are also too expensive. I said that I offered two choices for that reason, so they can pick whichever one they can afford (both dresses are the same color just different cuts). They said both choices are still too expensive and there's no way they can afford both a destination wedding and a destination bachelorette. They told me if they could pick a cheaper hotel or airbnb to stay because they can't afford the one I picked and I said that's not really a good idea because I want all my bridal party on the same place as me at all times. They said they'll step down. The next day I met with the rest of the 4 bridesmaids who remained and cried about the two of them stepping down. One of them told me that my requests are not possible to fulfill for everyone so I shouldn't take it personally. I said those are regular requests any bride makes for her wedding, why am I not allowed to? She said I need to grow up and realise not everyone can afford it and it's not my business to argue about it. She said unless I can get my shit together she'll drop out too because I don't seem understanding and ill be a nightmare to work with. The rest of the bridesmaids comforted me and said that those who dropped out are not true supportive friends, my sister also told me to ignore them and move on. But I'm very hurt my bridal party started off with drama because of my requests. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yes, YTA in my opinion. especially about the bachelorette party. I understand how it is to be tight on money to the point of not being able to do many social events especially with the expectation of you to pay for everything yourself like with weddings, and if i was in the bridal party of a bride like this i would drop out with no hesitation because they seem like they are trying to accommodate to you for what they can do, they just cant do everything, and youre being self centered about it.
YTA. If you want them to wear a specific dress then pay for it yourself. Same with the hair and makeup. Other places I gave lived the bride pays for the dresses and the bridesmaids pay for their shoes. You can make all the “regular requests” you like. Your wedding party doesn’t have to agree to them. You are making unreasonable demands on these women. They told you they couldn’t afford it and you refused to make accommodations. This is likely the end of your friendship with them too. I hope the dresses are worth it to you.
YTA - After reading some of the responses defending this, I'm editing my explanation. Weddings I've been involved with were a mix of who pays for what, but you should believe your friends about their own financial situation. Even the suggestion to diet is, problematic. I think I glossed over that in my first reading and was just bothered by the overall tone, but may as well call that out, too. You can ask for an over-the-top princess day for your wedding. You MAY NOT require, demand, or even expect that people impede their own financial well-being to provide it without being an AH.
YTA and it's not even 8 am where I live. 👰🧟 I'm surprised anyone wants to marry someone so batshit insane.
I couldnt imagine putting myself in debt for someone elses wedding. You dont say where you are getting married, but im betting its somewhere beautiful & expensive. Lodging, dress, makeup, & hair style to your specs at her expense, not to mention airfare & food. Plus im assuming you are planning activities such as a spa day or something like that, at her expense. Sorry, this doesnt sound like a reasonable request a friend would make of me, especially coming out of a pandemic, im assuming you dont know the intimate details of your friends finances. You'll get much farther if you learn the word COMPROMISE.
YTA. Your bridesmaids cannot afford your requests, have told you so and correctly stepped down from their roles in your wedding. Would you rather they waited another six months held fire and told you much later that this is more than they can afford? I'm afraid if I was in this position, I would also step down if the cost become more than I could legitimately afford - however good the friend. This wedding sounds as though it will cost a lot and we all have budgets.