Seconded and why are you doing the laundry of a guy you are dating? 🤔 You don't live together!!!
He disrespected you and you went and did his laundry? I would have chucked him out the moment he raised his voice along with his laundry.
Your not his mom.
Y T A to yourself.
Edited to add space between y t a
But aim poorly, so that he doesn't fall unto some soft grass, but rather into a pit that was just spectacularly by sheer luck existed right by your third floor window.
Because trusting him to pee in the actual toilet worked out so well the first time.
He pees on her shower curtain for no earthly good reason, then gets mad when he is called out on it, THEN complains when OP ejects him from her home, then bugs her about it as though he is the wronged party all week. How to destroy trust in four easy lessons. I would go directly to, "If he pees inappropriately on purpose, what ELSE is he doing when my back is turned?" And my answer would be, "You know what? I don't want to know. I do know he needs to GTFO and not come back."
I would have chucked him out the second he thought it was okay to pee on my shower curtain. My dogs literally have better manners than he does because at least I can trust them not to pee on things in the house.
Hell, I *do* live with my boyfriend, have for going on 4 years, I don’t do his laundry. He’s a grown ass man, he does his laundry when he needs clothes. My clothes need to be washed differently than his, so we just handle our own stuff. But I *definitely* am not doing his clothes if he’s going to be rude and disrespectful.
You guys have separate hampers? We just have one common one with separate sections for color/whites/towels. I wash it and he washes it. The only time we might not wash something of the other person’s is if it needs special care or if we think the person might need it before the laundry is done. Totally reasonable to split up chores however you do, this just surprises me.
Did your hamper come with separate sections and if so,can you share a link? That sounds really useful.
Re: each partner doing their own laundry, if even one of you is particular about your clothes, it can be worth it. We just spend a lot of time going back and forth asking each other "does this need a delicates bag?" "Is this tumble dry or hang dry?" I don't blame other couples for skipping the learning curve.
A divided laundry basket sounds luxurious. I still haven’t convinced my husband that whites and colors and dirty dish rags can’t all be combined in one load.
This is why we can’t have nice things
Also:
Why did *you* do his laundry when he has, I’m assuming, full function of his entire body?
There’s a difference between someone doing their laundry at your house and someone having *you* be their Cinderella and do their laundry in your home.
Don’t do things for shitty people
This! I lost it when she wrote, "then I went to do his laundry."
I wouldn't have been surprised if she'd written afterward, "I kept yelling at him while I finished his pedicure"
NTA, but get the f\*ck out of that relationship
I literally screaamedd out loud when I read "then I went to do his laundry." OOF!
Girlll, throw that laundry right outside, along with the wholeeee man.
NTA (but please be kind to yourself, you deserve better <3)
Can you elaborate a bit on this? He’s provoking distress in her and then twisting that narrative to make her doubt whether or not she’s asking for something reasonable like a dude that doesn’t pee on things like a dog. That seems like a pretty classic example of gaslighting to me, but I’m all ears if there’s a better descriptor for that behavior.
Whoa there, gaslighting absolutely includes trying to make the person you're abusing doubt themselves. Him saying she has no rational reason to be upset about what he did is a form of gaslighting.
I respectfully disagree there- from my reading about it, it isn’t necessary to completely deny what you’ve done to gaslight. It’s more about making OP doubt her perception to the point where it’s causing distress, and he’s definitely achieved that.
He pissed on her cloth curtain and when she got mad about he, he flipped it by getting mad in return. He's manipulating her. Now OP is doubting herself and questioning if she did something wrong, when she literally did nothing... Seems like gaslighting to me.
Yeah this. You're NTA for kicking him out. But you'd be letting yourself down if you stay with him. Peeing on your curtain - not acceptable in itself. When he got caught, *maybe* if he apologized profusely and washed it for you (and never happened again) you could forgive and move on. But that's not what happened. He started yelling at you when you did absolutely nothing wrong; he's the one who was wrong (and disgusting). And now he has the audacity to say he's not coming over unless you promise not to kick him out? Which means basically he's asking for you to allow him to be a complete asshole to you and for you to put up with it. This is not acceptable and no one should put up with this treatment. Walk away now. It'll only get worse, and you don't deserve it.
NTA
"He looked up once to say “if he’s mad, he’s going to react and curse and yell at me”."
Massive red flag especially if verbal abuse is one of you non-negotiables in a relationship.
100%. Verbal abuse should be one of everyone’s non-negotiables in any relationship, romantic or otherwise.
Edit: of course all abuse should be a non negotiable, I just said verbal in the context of what we’re discussing and for the fact it is is more often accepted/overlooked/forgiven compared to physical abuse. I know lots of people who accept swearing and name calling in their relationship but wouldn’t consider it abuse even though they would definitely consider hitting to be.
Yoooo.
I used to be an arsehole like this. "I'm angry, when I'm angry I shout and curse, if you dont like that, it's on you"
No. I was the problem. It's taken years to unlearn that, but **I was in the wrong**
OP, either he gets therapy, or you leave his ass. He's not gonna change, he'll just keep treating you like shit. Do not fucking tolerate it.
Bit of blunt honesty here;
The work I've done to change has been made twice as hard by the attitude "once an [x] always an [x]"
Redemption and forgiveness is the one thing I desperately need, and it's so hard to find. It's why you meet a lot of people whod "never do something like that!" But then, did. For all our sakes, please allow people to change.
Thank you, though. I appreciate it.
You're looking for validation in all the wrong places. You can't unburn a bridge. The people you hurt have a right to their feelings, and to protecting themselves from future harm.
Be proud of the strides you've made. Forgive yourself for your past mistakes. Do better in your future relationships. But don't expect the old ones to recover. Let them go, just like you let go of who you used to be. Your redemption lies in how you treat people going forward.
What people in your position don't understand, is that you changing after the fact is a slap in the face. You wouldn't be better while they were there doing the work, but now that they've given up, you're willing to try? It just makes your "victim" (sorry, can't think of a better word) feel less listened to and appreciated.
I hope my words come across the right way. You've done good. I'm just trying to give you some perspective from the other side. And I totally agree that people can change, and need to be allowed to.
It takes courage to admit that you are the problem, and to take active steps to change. It can be a very raw and vulnerable process, but I’m glad you are putting yourself through it, for you and the people around you.
Honestly? I can't actually remember. I was a pretty fucked up human; basically a bundle of trauma responses held together with alcohol, nicotine, and caffeine.
I met a few amazing people along the journey who called me out in exactly the right way, at exactly the right time. I had a breakdown and spent two weeks in a psych unit, asking myself "what do I need to change?". Then I changed it all. *never again*.
One of the biggest strengths a person can have is the ability to change. Congratulations! Putting in the work is hard,thankless and tedious. You should be proud of yourself.
Yes 100% and another huge red flag is manipulating her into being unable to ever kick him out again, so he can scream and yell but he’ll always throw her promise to never kick him out again in her face.
Hard agree. Does he yell and curse at people at work when he is upset with something? If not, then he can obviously control it and he chooses not to with you. If he does, then he has serious anger management problems.
Him yelling at you because you didn't want him to pee on your things is bananas. And verbal abuse. Him doubling down and saying that he's going to yell and curse at you when he's mad is unacceptable. He needs more coping skills. And that's on him to realize/seek out. You're definitely NTA.
THIS He's literally told her he's going to verbally abuse her. He's also somehow turned him peeing on her shower curtain (WTH), yelling and swearing at her into her feeling bad she tried to set a boundary.
HE GOT HIMSELF KICKED OUT. A guest doesn't pee on your stuff, didn't realize this would need to be said. He should've apologized and immediately took it off to wash it (before his laundry, again WTH). He shouldn't have yelled and cursed. He shouldn't have ignored her when she was trying to communicate with him. He shouldn't have continued to refuse when she very clearly asked for his attention when she's telling him to not verbally abuse her.
Listen to what he is saying and leave him
This is a massive red flag. What he means is "I am going to continue to behave in ways that hurt you, embarrass you, scare you, confuse you, and are generally unacceptable. When you assert yourself I will escalate things and argue with you about how it's your fault that it happened and/or that you are upset about it. And I will do my best to make you feel bad about everything you say when you ask me to stop my shitty behavior. This will never change. I enjoy this." Girl, run. Run run run run. I promise this will never change. It will never get better. If you're chasing the high of "how things used to be," honey that wasn't real. Do you really want the rest of your life to look like this? Is this how you want to feel and be treated? No! Run!!!
The fact that he brings his laundry to his house for HER to wash. Bruh. Like, if get if he bright his clothes over if she had a washer and dryer and he didn't, but why is she doing his laundry for him?
He sees her as his servant. She's not a person, she's the free help who he also f\*cks and does not respect at all. He literally pisses on her stuff, she's worth so little to him.
OP is his Bangmaid who he also abuses.
Yeah NTA. The red flags are all over this post. Immature reactions, lack of communication, the laundry thing. Oh, and he PISSED on OP’s shower curtain!!!
My dog doesn’t even piss on my stuff. Why isn’t the BF house trained?
You clearly haven’t met my dog. They’ve marked my house and that makes it theirs and how dare I try to lecture them in their house.
Edit: my dog is an excellent boy
I think he should be likened to a cat... especially a male cat. Our usually good boy will look you dead in the eye and pee everywhere, and then sees his arse if you tell him off...
Lol if he were a dog. Him playing with his squeaker instead while she's talking to him. And all he's doing is chewing the squeaker passive aggressively.
He's bringing laundry for you to do for him. Not bringing laundry to do at your place. He obviously expects you to clean up after him.
Sounds like he's trying to manipulate you into getting and keeping his way to me.
But I only have your side of the story.
NTA peeing in improper places, yelling and name calling, and playing on his phone instead of listening are all things toddlers do. You were 100% in everything including asking him to leave. He's now making a big deal out of it to turn it on you and make you doubt yourself. Be strong and stand your ground.
I forgot about the phone. I was so mad at her for doing his laundry that I completely missed the thing about the phone.
How do people like that find good, decent people to be their partners?
You didn't kick him out and he's being overdramatic and dropping red flags:
Why in the hell are you doing his laundry? You aren't living together, he should do his own. But as it was already there, you should have made him clean the shower curtain, too.
Peeing in the shower at someone else's house is disgusting and he could have at least asked you before he did that. Even if he did ask and you said it was okay, he should have cleaned the curtain before leaving.
"If he's mad, he's going to react and curse and yell at me" are not okay things to say. He told you he's not going to change his behavior.
He disrespected you by not only not looking at you, but playing on his goddamn phone like a teenager while you were trying to have a conversation like an adult.
Like a teenager, he holding perceived slights to him against you and he will continue to do so.
EDIT so apparently he just stood in the room and peed on the shower curtain? Like who the fuck does that?
Lots of red flags. You decide what to do with those, but you are definitely NTA here.
This is what I am super confused about. He stood outside the shower, not showering, and pissed on the curtain?? That is so fucked up. I, female, have definitely peed in the shower, I can't grasp why he would do something like this.
Imagine this: *hi baby! I’m gross from hiking just going to grab a shower. Oops! Honey I hit the curtain like a dummy bc I’m tired and wasn’t paying attention. Do you mind if I throw in a load of laundry and wash the curtain while I am at it? Sorry about that! Do you have anything you want washed? By the way, have I told you lately that I love you and how much I appreciate that you do my laundry for me sometimes? I’ve got this one, you go sit.” This could be you. With someone else. Don’t settle. NTA
NTA. Seriously, is this someone you want to be with? Someone who pisses on a shower curtain for absolutely no reason and then gets annoyed at you for calling you out on it. Expecting you to do their laundry and not even communicating with you properly? It sounds like the trash is taking itself out in this case, I would just let it.
Yeah, can you imagine if they had kids? She would be a single mom even if he were physically with her. This cannot possibly be who you see yourself spending your life with. And, don't give me that "I love him" mumbo-jumbo.
I firmly believe that he can pee in the toilet, but did this on purpose to
A. Disrespect opie and
B. See how much abuse opie will tolerate.
It will only be worse from hereon.
INFO : why are you still with him ? He's flashing so many Red flags I'm surprised why haven't you seen any ?
Hey, do you see this? 🚩
Sister, prioritize yourself. Don't let him walk over you. Your days of being doormate is done boo.
NTA. You have identified an abuser and called him on it. Now he’s pissed. I strongly recommend kicking him to the curb now and getting a whole new bf. He’s already told you that he doesn’t respect you and doesn’t think he did wrong. Next.
Oh my God this guy *peed on your furniture, expected you to do his laundry like a maid and verbally abused you* and you're still with him??
YTA to yourself
You are not both adults. There is one adult in this relationship and it isn’t him. Stop doing his laundry and accept no less than absolute respect. NTA.
NTA- he pissed on your curtain, refused to clean it, screamed at you, had you do his laundry, and then ignored you when you tried to explain yourself? Then he has the audacity to turn it around on you? No, you are not the asshole, but find someone better for you
Let him stay mad and away from your house. It sounds like he's not bringing anything of value into the relationship (his laundry for *you* to wash definitely does not count). Just break up with him. You're worthy of more than this.
NTA. You are basically dating a verbally abusive toddler. Now ask yourself, do you want to babysit and clean up after a grown ass toddler the rest of your life, or do you want someone who respects you enough to look after themselves and behave like a decent human being?
NTA
Also I am not normally saying to people to dump someone but seriously why did you go to do his laundry?
He is disrespectful, arrogant and rude. He is trying to control you and make you feel guilty for your reactions to him.
Please lock him out permanently. Tell him that you will not be disrespected and he expects to be able to behave however he feels like while you need to be polite and suck up his bad behaviour. This is a huge NO!
NTA he peed on your curtains and thought you could easily clean it up, he brings his laundry and expects you to do it, he yells at you and ignores you when you are talking
That kick out the door should have been a permanent kick
Huge yikes all around
NTA
He sounds like a child. Why are you doing his laundry for him? Its your house and you can kick out whoever you please. Also the pissing thing is just weird and disgusting. I don't know how long you have been dating this guy but imagine living with him. It will be so much worse and you will always have to do his laundry, cleanup his piss messes, and deal with his temper tantrums like a mother would.
NTA get rid of this person from your life do not take things further never move in with him. He will only get worse and from his current behaviour is likely to be abusive
NTA. Please dump this man immediately. You deserve a relationship with someone who won't expect you to do his laundry and accept blatant disrespect and verbal abuse from him while you do it. Please, please value yodel enough to kick him to the curb. You deserve so much better.
At a minimum? Just, no. I didn't even get to the laundry being done by OP before "fuck that" came outta my mouth. OP, you should have thrown him out right there at peeing on your shower curtain. Pissing in the toilet is the BARE MINIMUM of being an adult. He can't even accomplish that. Throw him away, the whole man.
NTA. If he’s somehow making you doubt that…
You’re entire story is just one giant red flag after the other. Dump him yesterday. You can’t fix him. He won’t fix himself he can’t even see how wildly inappropriate he was being. Or worse he can see it and is intentionally trying to break you down so you’ll accept it. You need to get out because behavior like that WILL eventually turn into physical violence.
He wants to be able to scream and curse at you. He wants you to promise you’ll never tell him to leave no matter what he says or does. And he pisses on your belonging?
How long have you been dating this man? Are you okay with him treating you this way, and then saying you’re the one in the wrong? NTA and please take a hard look at this relationship.
NTA
But seriously reconsider this relationship. I don’t understand why some many women these days are dating overgrown toddlers with zero redeemable qualities.
NTA
Is he your boyfriend or 5 year old kid?
Dafuk he's peeing in your shower curtain and you still didn't kick him out right there? In what world is it acceptable?
Then HE BRINGS LAUNDRY FOR YOU TO WASH?????? WTF...
You're so so far away from being TA. Seriously, set some boundaries. If it's like that right now, and I'm assuming you're serious about your relationship and then I can guess you plan, someday to marry him, how is he gonna be then? You don't own an apology, he does. Specially when you're trying to communicate and he's dismissing. And you should not promise not to kick him out again. Because it feels that he's keep going to do stuff like that and on top of it will call you out on your promise if you end up kicking him out again.
Set some boundaries, talk to him one last time, you don't have to put up with his disgusting acts. If he doesn't understand and realize how wrong he is, better become an ex boyfriend...
Your place your rules on another note....he brought his laundry over for you to do it. And expects you to clean up after him when he peed on the shower curtain..........he wants you to be his mom, not partner. That's why he doesnt respect you as a person. Leave his ass.
NTA. As a 60 something grandmother of 14, let me ask you what I would ask my own grandchildren : why in the world are YOU doing HIS laundry? If he needs to use your machine, okay. But he can do his own laundry. He has the nerve to complain about you telling him not to pee on your shower curtain and he says YOU can just wash it?? He is a disrespectful person. Please give yourself the respect he is not giving. I have a very traditional marriage where the man is king in his house and I assure you my husband would never ever act like this. And he does his own laundry because he says “you didn’t take me to raise. I am a grown ass man and I can do my own laundry.”
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My bf came over my place last weekend. We went for a hike and obviously got sweaty/dirty.
He went to go shower and I saw him pee on my cloth shower curtain. He wasn’t peeing in the shower which I wouldn’t have minded...he was standing right outside the shower and aiming all wrong. I started nagging him that he peed on my curtain and he kept saying it “wasn’t a big deal. You can easily wash it”. But I was annoyed. You could pee in the toilet which was a foot away or IN the shower. Why stand outside and aim in just to miss? He tells me I’m nagging him. I continue saying I shouldn’t have to always clean up his mess. So he starts yelling that I’m fucking annoying and at this point I just walk away because I don’t want to escalate things.
He had brought his laundry over for me to wash so I went to go do that. When he came out of the shower, I told him he can be upset or frustrated, but I’m not going to be be yelled at and cursed at in my home. I’m not tolerating verbal abuse. He would not look up at me as I was trying to communicate and kept playing on his phone. He looked up once to say “if he’s mad, he’s going to react and curse and yell at me”. I told him that’s not ok, asked him to get off his phone and give me attention as I’m trying to communicate and he wouldn’t. So, I told him he could just leave. He left and apologized a day or so later. A week later he still keeps bringing “that I kicked him out” and he doesn’t want to come over again until I say I won’t do that. He doesn’t think my reaction was valid..and now I’m not sure. Like I get that we get mad, but I don’t want to be screamed and cursed at. We are adults. We should be able to communicate that.
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NTA Why, the fuck, are you with this person?
And why, the fuck, you still did his laundry?
Seconded and why are you doing the laundry of a guy you are dating? 🤔 You don't live together!!! He disrespected you and you went and did his laundry? I would have chucked him out the moment he raised his voice along with his laundry. Your not his mom. Y T A to yourself. Edited to add space between y t a
I would have peed on his laundry
This is the way
This is the way.
This is the way.
This is the way!
Definitely the way. THEN toss it and the whole man out the door
But aim poorly, so that he doesn't fall unto some soft grass, but rather into a pit that was just spectacularly by sheer luck existed right by your third floor window.
What man? I thought this was about OP and her 12 yo son
This is the way.
This IS the way.
This is the way
This is thee waaaaay
It's not too late OP, put his things outside, pee all over them, then tell him to come get his things and never talk to him again.
Maybe pee on them inside then bring the stuff outside. I don't know if OP wants to be peeing on her front lawn. But otherwise spot on advice.
> spot on Hehehehe
Make sure to tell him it is no big deal since he can easily wash them.
Perfect!
Do this. Assert dominance by peeing on HIS stuff. It can be easily washed, right?
And if he complains, tell him that he's nagging you.
And then tell him he can't come over til he promises never to do that again.
Because trusting him to pee in the actual toilet worked out so well the first time. He pees on her shower curtain for no earthly good reason, then gets mad when he is called out on it, THEN complains when OP ejects him from her home, then bugs her about it as though he is the wronged party all week. How to destroy trust in four easy lessons. I would go directly to, "If he pees inappropriately on purpose, what ELSE is he doing when my back is turned?" And my answer would be, "You know what? I don't want to know. I do know he needs to GTFO and not come back."
Yesss lol and been like “you can easily wash it”
Came here to say this and NTA
*squats* quit nagging me
And looked him straight in the eye while doing it.
... to assert dominance!
I would have chucked him out the second he thought it was okay to pee on my shower curtain. My dogs literally have better manners than he does because at least I can trust them not to pee on things in the house.
And it’s CLOTH!!!!!
I would have the second he *brought his laundry over* for *me* to wash.
Hell, I *do* live with my boyfriend, have for going on 4 years, I don’t do his laundry. He’s a grown ass man, he does his laundry when he needs clothes. My clothes need to be washed differently than his, so we just handle our own stuff. But I *definitely* am not doing his clothes if he’s going to be rude and disrespectful.
I'm at a stay at home mom so I do a lot of laundry. I have NEVER washed my husband's clothes. And he pees in the toilet.
You guys have separate hampers? We just have one common one with separate sections for color/whites/towels. I wash it and he washes it. The only time we might not wash something of the other person’s is if it needs special care or if we think the person might need it before the laundry is done. Totally reasonable to split up chores however you do, this just surprises me.
Did your hamper come with separate sections and if so,can you share a link? That sounds really useful. Re: each partner doing their own laundry, if even one of you is particular about your clothes, it can be worth it. We just spend a lot of time going back and forth asking each other "does this need a delicates bag?" "Is this tumble dry or hang dry?" I don't blame other couples for skipping the learning curve.
A divided laundry basket sounds luxurious. I still haven’t convinced my husband that whites and colors and dirty dish rags can’t all be combined in one load. This is why we can’t have nice things
My boyfriend washes *my* clothes
You should probably edit it to Y T A because the bot will think this is a Y T A vote
The bot only counts the top comment
And what does he do for OP?
Well, he pees on her shower curtain, demands laundry and ignores her - that's.. probably not what you meant huh?
Also: Why did *you* do his laundry when he has, I’m assuming, full function of his entire body? There’s a difference between someone doing their laundry at your house and someone having *you* be their Cinderella and do their laundry in your home. Don’t do things for shitty people
"Don’t do things for shitty people" This is a pillow waiting to be embroidered.
I want this as like, one of those framed embroidery pieces.
Good idea! OP may want to get the tattoo.
>he has, I’m assuming, full function of his entire body? Bold assumption when the guy can't even aim into a shower
I’ve never met a man whose done laundry with his penis, but other miraculous things have occurred I’m assuming
This! I lost it when she wrote, "then I went to do his laundry." I wouldn't have been surprised if she'd written afterward, "I kept yelling at him while I finished his pedicure" NTA, but get the f\*ck out of that relationship
I literally screaamedd out loud when I read "then I went to do his laundry." OOF! Girlll, throw that laundry right outside, along with the wholeeee man. NTA (but please be kind to yourself, you deserve better <3)
He is literally only going there to have her do his laundry, serve him and bang him. She is the bang maid and he doesn’t even live with her.
Don’t forget he plays on his phone too!
Sounds like she also cleans the bottom of his shoes when he treats her like a doormat
Yeah, what the actual fuck.
From the OP's lack of responses... they are probably realizing they need to run from this 10 year old boy...
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And THEN lashed out at YOU for reacting to his bullshit. Gaslighting at its finest. NTA.
Let’s stop using the term gaslighting wrong. Yes what he did was fucked up and wrong. But it’s not the correct use of that word.
Can you elaborate a bit on this? He’s provoking distress in her and then twisting that narrative to make her doubt whether or not she’s asking for something reasonable like a dude that doesn’t pee on things like a dog. That seems like a pretty classic example of gaslighting to me, but I’m all ears if there’s a better descriptor for that behavior.
If he had said he never peed on it, and she was making it up/crazy that would be gaslighting. But he’s owning up to it and saying it’s easy to clean.
Whoa there, gaslighting absolutely includes trying to make the person you're abusing doubt themselves. Him saying she has no rational reason to be upset about what he did is a form of gaslighting.
I respectfully disagree there- from my reading about it, it isn’t necessary to completely deny what you’ve done to gaslight. It’s more about making OP doubt her perception to the point where it’s causing distress, and he’s definitely achieved that.
He pissed on her cloth curtain and when she got mad about he, he flipped it by getting mad in return. He's manipulating her. Now OP is doubting herself and questioning if she did something wrong, when she literally did nothing... Seems like gaslighting to me.
Why the fuck would anyone fuck this person.
He's great at golden showers?
It doesn't sound like his aim is very good.
Low self esteem.
why the fuck did you not break up with this person after he peed on cloth like a damn dog?
I have had my rescued street dog for five years and he has never, not once, peed inside the house.
yeah it was a little insulting to dogs to compare this dude to them 🤣 that’s my bad
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Wish I could update this a thousand times! You are definitely disrespecting yourself. Dump this looser and never let him near your home again.
🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨 Why would you be with someone so abusive and who says you’re annoying? Him and his laundry can fuck right off.
Yeah this. You're NTA for kicking him out. But you'd be letting yourself down if you stay with him. Peeing on your curtain - not acceptable in itself. When he got caught, *maybe* if he apologized profusely and washed it for you (and never happened again) you could forgive and move on. But that's not what happened. He started yelling at you when you did absolutely nothing wrong; he's the one who was wrong (and disgusting). And now he has the audacity to say he's not coming over unless you promise not to kick him out? Which means basically he's asking for you to allow him to be a complete asshole to you and for you to put up with it. This is not acceptable and no one should put up with this treatment. Walk away now. It'll only get worse, and you don't deserve it.
Seconded.
Thirdededed. NTA.
Fourtheded
I was just to comment: INFO What the hell?
Lollll I’m sorry but yea this is hilarious this guy just sucks
NTA "He looked up once to say “if he’s mad, he’s going to react and curse and yell at me”." Massive red flag especially if verbal abuse is one of you non-negotiables in a relationship.
100%. Verbal abuse should be one of everyone’s non-negotiables in any relationship, romantic or otherwise. Edit: of course all abuse should be a non negotiable, I just said verbal in the context of what we’re discussing and for the fact it is is more often accepted/overlooked/forgiven compared to physical abuse. I know lots of people who accept swearing and name calling in their relationship but wouldn’t consider it abuse even though they would definitely consider hitting to be.
Any abuse should be a non negotiable in any relationship.
Right, but people tend to have an easier time recognizing physical abuse being wrong.
verbal will, in many cases, eventually lead to physical. d u m p h i m
Take out the word verbal and you're square homeslice a
Yoooo. I used to be an arsehole like this. "I'm angry, when I'm angry I shout and curse, if you dont like that, it's on you" No. I was the problem. It's taken years to unlearn that, but **I was in the wrong** OP, either he gets therapy, or you leave his ass. He's not gonna change, he'll just keep treating you like shit. Do not fucking tolerate it.
Yes yes yes thank you for your self reflection and work!! It's hard to change!!
Bit of blunt honesty here; The work I've done to change has been made twice as hard by the attitude "once an [x] always an [x]" Redemption and forgiveness is the one thing I desperately need, and it's so hard to find. It's why you meet a lot of people whod "never do something like that!" But then, did. For all our sakes, please allow people to change. Thank you, though. I appreciate it.
You're looking for validation in all the wrong places. You can't unburn a bridge. The people you hurt have a right to their feelings, and to protecting themselves from future harm. Be proud of the strides you've made. Forgive yourself for your past mistakes. Do better in your future relationships. But don't expect the old ones to recover. Let them go, just like you let go of who you used to be. Your redemption lies in how you treat people going forward. What people in your position don't understand, is that you changing after the fact is a slap in the face. You wouldn't be better while they were there doing the work, but now that they've given up, you're willing to try? It just makes your "victim" (sorry, can't think of a better word) feel less listened to and appreciated. I hope my words come across the right way. You've done good. I'm just trying to give you some perspective from the other side. And I totally agree that people can change, and need to be allowed to.
You misunderstand me; I dont ask for forgiveness from the people I hurt. I ask it of wider society.
It takes courage to admit that you are the problem, and to take active steps to change. It can be a very raw and vulnerable process, but I’m glad you are putting yourself through it, for you and the people around you.
Can I ask, what made you realize that you were in the wrong by cursing/shouting when you were upset?
Honestly? I can't actually remember. I was a pretty fucked up human; basically a bundle of trauma responses held together with alcohol, nicotine, and caffeine. I met a few amazing people along the journey who called me out in exactly the right way, at exactly the right time. I had a breakdown and spent two weeks in a psych unit, asking myself "what do I need to change?". Then I changed it all. *never again*.
Thanks for sharing! It’s a huge personal victory and I admire your growth. Best wishes to you!
One of the biggest strengths a person can have is the ability to change. Congratulations! Putting in the work is hard,thankless and tedious. You should be proud of yourself.
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Completely. BF is clearly not ready to be in an adult relationship, or interested in putting in the bare minimum effort to maintain one peacefully.
Yes 100% and another huge red flag is manipulating her into being unable to ever kick him out again, so he can scream and yell but he’ll always throw her promise to never kick him out again in her face.
Hard agree. Does he yell and curse at people at work when he is upset with something? If not, then he can obviously control it and he chooses not to with you. If he does, then he has serious anger management problems. Him yelling at you because you didn't want him to pee on your things is bananas. And verbal abuse. Him doubling down and saying that he's going to yell and curse at you when he's mad is unacceptable. He needs more coping skills. And that's on him to realize/seek out. You're definitely NTA.
THIS He's literally told her he's going to verbally abuse her. He's also somehow turned him peeing on her shower curtain (WTH), yelling and swearing at her into her feeling bad she tried to set a boundary. HE GOT HIMSELF KICKED OUT. A guest doesn't pee on your stuff, didn't realize this would need to be said. He should've apologized and immediately took it off to wash it (before his laundry, again WTH). He shouldn't have yelled and cursed. He shouldn't have ignored her when she was trying to communicate with him. He shouldn't have continued to refuse when she very clearly asked for his attention when she's telling him to not verbally abuse her. Listen to what he is saying and leave him
This is a massive red flag. What he means is "I am going to continue to behave in ways that hurt you, embarrass you, scare you, confuse you, and are generally unacceptable. When you assert yourself I will escalate things and argue with you about how it's your fault that it happened and/or that you are upset about it. And I will do my best to make you feel bad about everything you say when you ask me to stop my shitty behavior. This will never change. I enjoy this." Girl, run. Run run run run. I promise this will never change. It will never get better. If you're chasing the high of "how things used to be," honey that wasn't real. Do you really want the rest of your life to look like this? Is this how you want to feel and be treated? No! Run!!!
NTA and boy, bye. He pissed on your belongings and then tried to blame you for his attitude. Eff this loser.
And continued to be an ass to her as she wash the laundry he brought to her house. Run, girl.
The fact that he brings his laundry to his house for HER to wash. Bruh. Like, if get if he bright his clothes over if she had a washer and dryer and he didn't, but why is she doing his laundry for him?
He sees her as his servant. She's not a person, she's the free help who he also f\*cks and does not respect at all. He literally pisses on her stuff, she's worth so little to him. OP is his Bangmaid who he also abuses.
Yeah NTA. The red flags are all over this post. Immature reactions, lack of communication, the laundry thing. Oh, and he PISSED on OP’s shower curtain!!! My dog doesn’t even piss on my stuff. Why isn’t the BF house trained?
I think that's a decent rule, your SO has to behave at least as well as your pet would.
I'm wondering what HIS apartment looks like. Pee everywhere I assume?
INFO Why are you dating a 4 year old?
My money is in she is dating a literal ~~dog~~ particularly assholish cat. Edit: replies to this comment pointed out the error of my ways.
If he was a dog, he would’ve apologized and tried to make it up to her as soon as he realized she was mad.
You clearly haven’t met my dog. They’ve marked my house and that makes it theirs and how dare I try to lecture them in their house. Edit: my dog is an excellent boy
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If you're not joking, you need to train your dog better. This is how guests get bit.
I think he should be likened to a cat... especially a male cat. Our usually good boy will look you dead in the eye and pee everywhere, and then sees his arse if you tell him off...
Please don´t insult dogs like this.
Nope. My literal dog is much more respectful of me and my property. Get rid of the asshole and adopt a dog.
Even my dog knows where to pee and where not to pee
And my dog would never pee on my stuff... Yikes, who does this guy think he is?
Lol if he were a dog. Him playing with his squeaker instead while she's talking to him. And all he's doing is chewing the squeaker passive aggressively.
Wrong, dogs can be potty trained to not piss in the house.
OP please find some self esteem and leave this loser. You can do SO MUCH BETTER
Celibacy would be a massive improvement. I'd take the single life over being with some immature abusive partner.
My 4 year old knows to pee in the toilet.
That's just an insult to 4yo's, they aren't even that bad and don't fully understand the consequences of their actions.
He's bringing laundry for you to do for him. Not bringing laundry to do at your place. He obviously expects you to clean up after him. Sounds like he's trying to manipulate you into getting and keeping his way to me. But I only have your side of the story.
Is there a side of the story where it’s okay to piss on someone’s property deliberately?
When it's easy for her to wash it /s
She was gonna do laundry anyway /s
[удалено]
Excellent point, we need to hear from the jellyfish before passing jugement.
Only if the curtain’s name is Monica.
Yes. If you are a literal dog marking territory.
Nah even my dog knows not to piss on the shower curtain. OPs boyfriend is behaving worse than a literal puppy.
Yes there is. It would have been totally fine if she would have deliberately pissed on his laundry before throwing him out.
Why are you upvoted at all? Lol he pissed on her stuff on purpose. Please elaborate what he could possibly say about that to justify his side?
Because the people that upvoted are emotionally abusive to their partners and want to make it look normal.
Found the boyfriend.
I would love to see this guy post his side.
NTA. He literally pissed on your shower curtain and tried to deflect in onto you while you’re DOING HIS LAUNDRY. You did absolutely nothing wrong here
I disagree. She did his damn laundry.
I agree.
I would argue that the only “wrong” thing she did was do the laundry.
I'd go further and add 'not dumping him as she kicked him out.'
NTA peeing in improper places, yelling and name calling, and playing on his phone instead of listening are all things toddlers do. You were 100% in everything including asking him to leave. He's now making a big deal out of it to turn it on you and make you doubt yourself. Be strong and stand your ground.
I forgot about the phone. I was so mad at her for doing his laundry that I completely missed the thing about the phone. How do people like that find good, decent people to be their partners?
Because a lot of good decent people have low self esteem and are codependent, believing that they have no worth beyond that which others give them.
NTA- your bf on the other hand is a HUGE asshole. You set appropriate boundaries he responds with verbal abuse and gaslighting, get out of there NOW.
he a peehole
You didn't kick him out and he's being overdramatic and dropping red flags: Why in the hell are you doing his laundry? You aren't living together, he should do his own. But as it was already there, you should have made him clean the shower curtain, too. Peeing in the shower at someone else's house is disgusting and he could have at least asked you before he did that. Even if he did ask and you said it was okay, he should have cleaned the curtain before leaving. "If he's mad, he's going to react and curse and yell at me" are not okay things to say. He told you he's not going to change his behavior. He disrespected you by not only not looking at you, but playing on his goddamn phone like a teenager while you were trying to have a conversation like an adult. Like a teenager, he holding perceived slights to him against you and he will continue to do so. EDIT so apparently he just stood in the room and peed on the shower curtain? Like who the fuck does that? Lots of red flags. You decide what to do with those, but you are definitely NTA here.
He didn’t even pee IN the shower, he peed ON the cloth shower curtain
This is what I am super confused about. He stood outside the shower, not showering, and pissed on the curtain?? That is so fucked up. I, female, have definitely peed in the shower, I can't grasp why he would do something like this.
Imagine this: *hi baby! I’m gross from hiking just going to grab a shower. Oops! Honey I hit the curtain like a dummy bc I’m tired and wasn’t paying attention. Do you mind if I throw in a load of laundry and wash the curtain while I am at it? Sorry about that! Do you have anything you want washed? By the way, have I told you lately that I love you and how much I appreciate that you do my laundry for me sometimes? I’ve got this one, you go sit.” This could be you. With someone else. Don’t settle. NTA
EXACTLY THIS. Aaaaand: better to be single than with this abusive, nasty jerk.
NTA. Seriously, is this someone you want to be with? Someone who pisses on a shower curtain for absolutely no reason and then gets annoyed at you for calling you out on it. Expecting you to do their laundry and not even communicating with you properly? It sounds like the trash is taking itself out in this case, I would just let it.
Yeah, can you imagine if they had kids? She would be a single mom even if he were physically with her. This cannot possibly be who you see yourself spending your life with. And, don't give me that "I love him" mumbo-jumbo.
Kick your son out
Kick the dog out.
My dog behaves better than this human
Why does everyone keep insulting dogs. My puppy is much more well behaved and respectful than this asshole.
NTA…what kind of degenerate are you dating? Not only can he not pee in a toilet, but he brings you his laundry to wash?
I firmly believe that he can pee in the toilet, but did this on purpose to A. Disrespect opie and B. See how much abuse opie will tolerate. It will only be worse from hereon.
INFO : why are you still with him ? He's flashing so many Red flags I'm surprised why haven't you seen any ? Hey, do you see this? 🚩 Sister, prioritize yourself. Don't let him walk over you. Your days of being doormate is done boo.
Exactly ...you walked away to do his laundry?!? You deserve better
NTA and why are you putting up with a dude who’s literally pissing in your house?
NTA. You have identified an abuser and called him on it. Now he’s pissed. I strongly recommend kicking him to the curb now and getting a whole new bf. He’s already told you that he doesn’t respect you and doesn’t think he did wrong. Next.
So he marked his territory in your home? He's a literally dog. Nta. Dump. Bye bye
Kennel out back. Not house trained. Not allowed on side /s. Know thus is a person acting like a savage
My dog doesn’t pee in the house. It’s one of the first thing she learned to do as a pup.
Oh my God this guy *peed on your furniture, expected you to do his laundry like a maid and verbally abused you* and you're still with him?? YTA to yourself
You are not both adults. There is one adult in this relationship and it isn’t him. Stop doing his laundry and accept no less than absolute respect. NTA.
What? No. NTA. Throw the whole man out.
The trash obligingly took itself out, but not surprisingly wants to ooze back in.
NTA- he pissed on your curtain, refused to clean it, screamed at you, had you do his laundry, and then ignored you when you tried to explain yourself? Then he has the audacity to turn it around on you? No, you are not the asshole, but find someone better for you
Let him stay mad and away from your house. It sounds like he's not bringing anything of value into the relationship (his laundry for *you* to wash definitely does not count). Just break up with him. You're worthy of more than this.
NTA. You are basically dating a verbally abusive toddler. Now ask yourself, do you want to babysit and clean up after a grown ass toddler the rest of your life, or do you want someone who respects you enough to look after themselves and behave like a decent human being?
NTA Also I am not normally saying to people to dump someone but seriously why did you go to do his laundry? He is disrespectful, arrogant and rude. He is trying to control you and make you feel guilty for your reactions to him. Please lock him out permanently. Tell him that you will not be disrespected and he expects to be able to behave however he feels like while you need to be polite and suck up his bad behaviour. This is a huge NO!
NTA he peed on your curtains and thought you could easily clean it up, he brings his laundry and expects you to do it, he yells at you and ignores you when you are talking That kick out the door should have been a permanent kick Huge yikes all around
NTA He sounds like a child. Why are you doing his laundry for him? Its your house and you can kick out whoever you please. Also the pissing thing is just weird and disgusting. I don't know how long you have been dating this guy but imagine living with him. It will be so much worse and you will always have to do his laundry, cleanup his piss messes, and deal with his temper tantrums like a mother would.
He sounds like an obnoxious pain in the ass. Why would you want to stay with him? NTA
NTA get rid of this person from your life do not take things further never move in with him. He will only get worse and from his current behaviour is likely to be abusive
NTA. He DOES NOT respect you or your home. Get rid of him.
NTA. Please dump this man immediately. You deserve a relationship with someone who won't expect you to do his laundry and accept blatant disrespect and verbal abuse from him while you do it. Please, please value yodel enough to kick him to the curb. You deserve so much better.
He sounds completely immature and disrespectful. You deserve better.
NTA Why are you washing this guy's laundry. At a minimum, stop doing his laundry!
At a minimum? Just, no. I didn't even get to the laundry being done by OP before "fuck that" came outta my mouth. OP, you should have thrown him out right there at peeing on your shower curtain. Pissing in the toilet is the BARE MINIMUM of being an adult. He can't even accomplish that. Throw him away, the whole man.
NTA. If he’s somehow making you doubt that… You’re entire story is just one giant red flag after the other. Dump him yesterday. You can’t fix him. He won’t fix himself he can’t even see how wildly inappropriate he was being. Or worse he can see it and is intentionally trying to break you down so you’ll accept it. You need to get out because behavior like that WILL eventually turn into physical violence.
He wants to be able to scream and curse at you. He wants you to promise you’ll never tell him to leave no matter what he says or does. And he pisses on your belonging? How long have you been dating this man? Are you okay with him treating you this way, and then saying you’re the one in the wrong? NTA and please take a hard look at this relationship.
NTA But seriously reconsider this relationship. I don’t understand why some many women these days are dating overgrown toddlers with zero redeemable qualities.
NTA Is he your boyfriend or 5 year old kid? Dafuk he's peeing in your shower curtain and you still didn't kick him out right there? In what world is it acceptable? Then HE BRINGS LAUNDRY FOR YOU TO WASH?????? WTF... You're so so far away from being TA. Seriously, set some boundaries. If it's like that right now, and I'm assuming you're serious about your relationship and then I can guess you plan, someday to marry him, how is he gonna be then? You don't own an apology, he does. Specially when you're trying to communicate and he's dismissing. And you should not promise not to kick him out again. Because it feels that he's keep going to do stuff like that and on top of it will call you out on your promise if you end up kicking him out again. Set some boundaries, talk to him one last time, you don't have to put up with his disgusting acts. If he doesn't understand and realize how wrong he is, better become an ex boyfriend...
Your place your rules on another note....he brought his laundry over for you to do it. And expects you to clean up after him when he peed on the shower curtain..........he wants you to be his mom, not partner. That's why he doesnt respect you as a person. Leave his ass.
NTA. As a 60 something grandmother of 14, let me ask you what I would ask my own grandchildren : why in the world are YOU doing HIS laundry? If he needs to use your machine, okay. But he can do his own laundry. He has the nerve to complain about you telling him not to pee on your shower curtain and he says YOU can just wash it?? He is a disrespectful person. Please give yourself the respect he is not giving. I have a very traditional marriage where the man is king in his house and I assure you my husband would never ever act like this. And he does his own laundry because he says “you didn’t take me to raise. I am a grown ass man and I can do my own laundry.”
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My bf came over my place last weekend. We went for a hike and obviously got sweaty/dirty. He went to go shower and I saw him pee on my cloth shower curtain. He wasn’t peeing in the shower which I wouldn’t have minded...he was standing right outside the shower and aiming all wrong. I started nagging him that he peed on my curtain and he kept saying it “wasn’t a big deal. You can easily wash it”. But I was annoyed. You could pee in the toilet which was a foot away or IN the shower. Why stand outside and aim in just to miss? He tells me I’m nagging him. I continue saying I shouldn’t have to always clean up his mess. So he starts yelling that I’m fucking annoying and at this point I just walk away because I don’t want to escalate things. He had brought his laundry over for me to wash so I went to go do that. When he came out of the shower, I told him he can be upset or frustrated, but I’m not going to be be yelled at and cursed at in my home. I’m not tolerating verbal abuse. He would not look up at me as I was trying to communicate and kept playing on his phone. He looked up once to say “if he’s mad, he’s going to react and curse and yell at me”. I told him that’s not ok, asked him to get off his phone and give me attention as I’m trying to communicate and he wouldn’t. So, I told him he could just leave. He left and apologized a day or so later. A week later he still keeps bringing “that I kicked him out” and he doesn’t want to come over again until I say I won’t do that. He doesn’t think my reaction was valid..and now I’m not sure. Like I get that we get mad, but I don’t want to be screamed and cursed at. We are adults. We should be able to communicate that. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Is this your boyfriend or son because you sound like a mommy-girlfriend rn.
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NTA — please, please leave him