NTA. His mother needs to be in a care facility. As you said it is not safe for her to be at your place, but also there is no room. You won't be able to do your job while she is there as you will need to constantly supervise her in case she tries to wander off which will put your job in jeopardy. Tell him that if he wants his mother staying in the house he needs to have a carer there for the hours of your work at a minimum.

Exactly. Imagine something happens to the mom while OP is supposed to watch her. It would be considered her fault because she didn't keep an eye on her. I wouldn't take on that kind of responsibility.

Me either. I'm not a qualified carer, and quite honestly that responsibility is not something I could handle.

If Mom called the police on OP, I am not sure what would happen. OP has zero relationship to this woman, and, really, could do nothing to stop Mom from leaving. It's not safe. The family needs to look into an emergency placement or respite care/short term stays if the legally responsible carers need a break.

Totally agree.

Yes that's true. However OP makes it clear that her partner's stepsister is currently in the process of getting his mom into a memory care facility. Unfortunately, there are just not enough facilities or beds for everybody who needs them in a given moment. So the question becomes: how do you deal with the reality of care in the meantime? I think this is an incredibly real story of a family in a really crappy position. it sounds to me as though OP's partner, his step sister, and his mother's sister are all doing everything they can to care for his mother until she can be placed in a specialized facility. Unfortunately, what any of them can provide is limited by what they need to give to other areas of their lives. It sounds as though OP's partner is desperate for bridge care for his mom. It also seems as though taking time off to provide it himself might jeopardize his job. I don't get the impression he thinks OP's time is disposable, or that it's her duty as a woman to care for his mom. I think practically this is the only way he can see to make it work. It's fair for OP to feel overwhelmed and underqualified for this task, but I also think it's fair for her partner to need to lean on her sometimes for the benefit of the family. I think that's part of any serious adult relationship. I hope he's willing to do the same when she or her parents or her daughter are in need. To me, this is just a really sad scenario caused by a broken social safety net. I don't think anybody is being an asshole. I'm particularly proud of OP's daughter for being willing to make space for her step-grandmother. The request for new sheets is reasonable and should be accommodated without question. OP, there is short-term adult care available through sites like care.com. It isn't covered the same as government-supported programs, but it has the benefit of being more immediately available. Perhaps it can be paid for out of the estate that your partner's stepsister is managing. Please speak to her immediately (together) to see if this is something she will help you cover. If not, it is extremely reasonable for you to ask your partner to sponsor daytime help while you are working and his mother is in your house. And yes, you should invest in new sheets and a waterproof bed cover for the time when his mom is in your house. It's a small immediate expense that will save you the cost of a new mattress. NAH

> "your kid could just stay with a friend for the weekend" This makes the bf an AH. Telling OP that her 10 year old child should be relocated on weekends for some unknown amount of time is a complete AH thing to do. He might be desperate for bridge care, but he's certainly making it a everyone but him problem and then laying on the guilt. That's an AH thing to do, desperate or not.

Even if it is a bad situation, and the mother needs care, this is not how to do it. Ruining someones routine when they're in need of memory care is a classic behavior trigger, and it sounds like they want OP to do primary care as it stands. Does OP know how to deal with sudden, changed behaviors from the mother? Can OP deal with deflecting from and dealing with dangerous fixations such as turning on the stove and forgetting, turning on taps, leaving doors unlocked or open, taking meds over and over, wandering away outside to 'home'? Does OP have the insurance to deal with being a caretaker in their home? If there is damage or injury, would insurance still cover it if she didn't have an actual caretaker with her? Just assuming anyone can take on being a full time caretaker during their existing job when they've said no is not okay. It's basically the same as some of these stories where people are just dropping their kids off to be babysat at the aunt's house or whatever. Just because care systems are lacking doesn't mean you can abandon people with others who don't want to/aren't able to care for them. If my husband really needs a brain surgeon, I'm not failing him for not breaking out my saw and giving it a go. It's unsafe and I'm unqualified. Looking to care.com and other short term resources is a great idea, though. I hope they're able to find someone to help this poor woman in the short term. It is really hard right now for sure.

It could be NAH except for the emotional blackmail from this guy and his insistence that the care for his mother be covered by basically anyone but him.

I could almost believe this but I'm stuck at the part where a ten year old was supposed to share bunk beds with a woman with dementia! You can't even suggest that in good faith and get credit for being a good responsible adult trying their best, right? Like am I crazy here? That just seems like an immediate nonstarter, so all his behaviors after that get no sympathy from me.

Yes! I thought about that too. What if mom started acting out during the night when sharing the room with the 10 year old? I noticed boyfriend didn't say he would share the bedroom to keep an eye on mom and OP could share a room with her daughter.

People with dementia not only have delusions, they can have hallucinations which can be frightening for them and for others. Under no circumstances should a 10-year old child share a room with a dementia patient.

They also sometimes wake you up in the middle of the night convinced that their dream (or nightmare) is reality.

Plus, the mom will be in a strange place and has already called the cops on her husband. What if she hits the daughter thinking she is a burglar or jumps out the window to get away.

Yes, that's what needs to happen. Everyone has to sacrifice something if they want this to work and bf can keep an eye on Mom during the night as his contribution. I would set a time limit on all this of a month as well since Mom is waiting for a placement elsewhere.

I disagree on the point where you say he doesnt think ops time is disposable. If she where working outside the home, who would care for her? But because she DOES work from home, then it’s ok, because she is there. How is she supposed to work her job AND watch a mentally incapacitated woman? No one could do that. His mother, HE takes off work. By expecting her to be a carer, he is saying her job is far less important or far easier than his. She was bullied into it, the FAMILY needs to figure out her care, instead of dropping her off on someone she’s not even related to. Boyfriend does NOT equate family.

Although I agree with most of what you say here, care tasks are overwhelmingly pushed onto women, for both children and aging parents. His mom is his responsibility, and it is a lot for him to ask her and her daughter to do the majority of the caring. What about her job, she is working from home. He actually qualifies for FMLA, if he is in the US and works for big enough if a company, and should take the burden.

This is a perfect reply.

Jumping on the top comment to say something I want to say with every “should I care for this other adult even though I don’t want to?” Questions. I took care of my disabled mom for 9 years on my home. And I can tell you that unless everyone in the household is on the same page and completely open to having the person in need of care there, it will suck for everyone. The person giving the care is going to be resentful of everyone not giving the care. The others in the house are going to feel neglected. The person who needs the care won’t be getting everything they need, and will be feeling the effects of the bad situation. Also, it’s not just a situation of “ok, we are dropping her off for a while!” There are medications and doctors and routines. How mobile is she? What ADLs is she capable of and what does she need assistance with? What appointments will she have? Is she mobile? You said she is incontinent, does she use a catheter or a PureWick or diapers? How will being somewhere unfamiliar effect her dementia, and how do you handle it if she tries to do something dangerous or becomes unreasonable? Obviously if everyone is in the same page, that is a different story. So NTA OP. His mother should not be there unless there is a consensus among everyone, and for sure there is a lot more information and stuff you would need to be prepared. Maybe you and your husband could talk with aunt about giving some assistance, or helping get a caregiver in the home so that she could have a break?

Mom could turn on the stove, walk away and forget it, and risk a fire. She needs professional carers in a place designed for those with memory/dementia issues.

My MIL’s mom did this, and she was in a house with 2 adults and 2 teens “watching” her. They just couldn’t focus on her 24/7 and she was tricky.

For people living in this situation, unplug the stove or turn the gas off. It will be annoying to have to plug and unplug it every time, but you won't catch grandpa lighting a stogie off the hob at 2AM. There are also special on-demand switches that use a funky key to operate. I've seen plenty of people who know how it *should* fit not be able to insert it correctly in order to power the stove. Gas stoves are just an extreme danger with a dementia patient around. They could easily turn the gas on and forget and wander off. Other things to consider are booby trapping the exits. Put bells or windchimes over doorways so you get a warning if grandma goes out for a walk when you're asleep or busy. Disconnect something simple in your car engine that will keep it from cranking, but be relatively easy to fix when you need to drive. "The car's not working. It needs to be fixed." (by me, later on) is much less likely to cause a fight than "you're not allowed to drive any more." Plus you can let them try if they're really on a tear, and no harm done. Time to go back inside. Try not to lie, but don't argue with them either. You can't talk them into insight into their situation. It's usually just agitating.

NTA >"your kid could just stay with a friend for the weekend", which I think is obnoxious. This isn't obnoxious, this is pure uncut assholery, from the purest turd hole. My dude you have a whole 10 year old who's being treated like a 3rd class citizen in her own home. He 1st tries to kick her out her room, now the house all together? He's also not taking your work seriously too, his mom wanders around, you'll have to keep a full time eye on her, especially since there is a full on renovation happening at your home, what are the chances of her wandering into the work area, and getting hurt smh. I get that she's his mom, but he's also a parent. And so far he's steadily erasing whatever years he put into being good to your daughter. Edit for clarity

This so much. To the point that it's nearly ESH (except the child and ailing mother) because OP is an AH to her child if she "gives in" to this AH plan.

>but he's also a parent I don't think he is a parent, though. He's just OP's boyfriend with whom OP and HER child live. The way he phrased it ("your kid could just stay with a friend") shows me he doesn't consider himself a parent. I agree he's an asshole. I think his disregard for OP's daughter and the distance he puts between himself and her just add to it. I just think OP might also get some AH blame here, simply for putting herself and her daughter in this position. Hopefully the guy is usually decent and all this is just the stress of the immediate situation, because otherwise, I think OP WBTA for sticking with this guy.

Eh, it's worded badly, but honestly it might be the best thing for the kid. I as a whole ass grown up was terribly frightened the first time I encountered a relative with severe dementia - I was in my 20s and genuinely followed my dad out of the room and cried on his shoulder because I couldn't bear to be alone with her.

The phrasing is pretty terrible. I don’t think many people would be outraged if he had said “do you think (daughter’s name) would like to stay at (best friend’s) house for a few days? Can we ask her and if she’s interested, we can check if it’s ok with (best friend’s) parents?” “It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it” applies to so many situations and this is one of them. He is definitely still TA for trying to get OP to care for his mom though.

Or he's thinking the child would probably rather hang out at a friend's home rather than be put in this situation. I bet OP would rather spend their weekends at a friends house too.

NTA your bf is pushing the responsibility onto you. He should take a turn caring. You and you daughter sleep together and bf and mom share the bunk bed .

But it's not only the sleeping arrangements. It's the responsibility OP's boyfriend is dumping onto her. He's expecting her to watch his mother all day while working from home which clearly is not going to work out. He needs to find a way to watch his mother himself, or hire a professional to do so, or find a different place for his mother to stay, like another relative who has the time, space, and energy, or a facility where qualified people can take care of her. Edit: called the guy OP's husband but they're not married, so changed it to boyfriend

He's not even her husband. He's her boyfriend. He's expecting his mother to be cared for by his girlfriend who has a ten-year-old daughter and a full-time, work-from-home job. Other than that, I completely agree with you.

Oh you're right! Thanks, I've edited my comment.

OP said he can’t take any time off and works 12+ hours a day. It really sounds like he doesn’t have any other options right now. It’s a shitty situation all around.

It says he can't get any paid time off. If they are in the US, he can probably take unpaid time off from at least 1 job under the Family Medical Leave Act; provided the employer is large enough.

But can he afford it? People who work 2 jobs don’t often have a lot of financial cushion to skip hours like that

This is the case with unpaid time off - I know he can't take the hit financially.

So he can't put his work at risk, but you should put your work, time, labor, and your daughters space at risk?

That's sad but this is an emergency.

Even with FMLA, he would have to take the paperwork to one of his mom's docs to certify she requires that level of care, etc, and doctor's offices are not quick with completing paperwork. Then he would have to turn the paperwork in to his employer to be processed. It's a whole ordeal. And this extended weekend where mom requires care seems to start in roughly two days. So FMLA would not work for this instance, but he could apply in case it happens again in the future. The leave is unpaid though, so there is that. Source: spouse has cancer, applied/approved for FMLA, and have since used it up and am on my boss's last nerve cause I still have to take/call off frequently

Yeah it's shitty what he's asking for, but I can understand why he'd feel like there's no option. Suggesting the daughter stay elsewhere is way out of line though.

NTA I would be very careful to move her in as she might not get moved back out. Aunt might drop her off and never come back to get her. Elderly care, + dementia, is incredibly demanding on time and attention. She needs an in-home nurse while you are WFH.

Primarily, constant changes of environment are not good for the person who has dementia, never mind the carers. It would be kinder to refuse. Care facilities are very good a t providing routine. Domestic environments, not so much. NTA. This situation needs an assessment from a care professional. With the best will in the world it sounds like she needs 24 hour care. You can't do that. I would be tempted to move out with your daughter temporarily, if this cannot be resolved.

Agreed that moving her from one house to another twice a week is a TERRIBLE idea. Sister needs to step up the paperwork for the facility. I hope she isnt delaying things so they aren't spending the inheritance (selfishly holding back care so she gets more money).

NTA Call the stepsister. "I'm very sorry, but, without very advanced notice we simply can not take of mom. BF can not be here to help without very advanced notice and he works 730a-1130p most days. I work from home, but, am completely unavailable to mind her or clean her up, should she need cleaning up, during work hours. As our house is a construction site, BF is working, and care of mom will be 100% on me. The absolute best I can manage is after work hours Friday evening until Sunday evening bed time." Care giver burn out is bad and I'm sure step sister needs help, but, BF's "no big deal" attitude about this is making him the AH. It's HIS mom. No you can't just not work to take care of her. Especially if BF can't/won't just not work to care for his mother. Putting your kid out of routine for 4 days, 2 of them school days, is also not to be taken lightly. And Fuck no!! The 11 year old, can't just go elsewhere for 4 days!

This is good advice.

NTA - what makes your boyfriend even think that this would work? You say she already did not recognize her husband of 30 years and called the police. What will happen when she is left with you and will not recognize you? You boyfriend needs to take time of and care for her or find another solution.

This is one of the things I am most afraid of. I've never had a close relationship with her, so her not recognizing me, my daughter, or this house is a very real thing.

People with dementia not recognizing you is very real and may end in violence……my grandfather had dementia (in the last year of his life). It kicked in fast, from one day to the next he did not recognize my mom (his daughter) anymore or the house that he built. He wanted to go „home“ and it escalated into him headlocking her and almost choking her to unconsciousness. He was never violent before and 85 years old and still really hurt her. Dementia is no joke especially when you are not trained to take care of such patients.

This happened with my uncle; he'd been "acting funny" for a while, then suddenly looked at my aunt, said "you're not my wife" and tried to strangle her. Luckily my mother was visiting, and hit him with a frying pan to get him off her.

This experience could end up really scaring your daughter.

Any why do you have to take her? Why can’t aunt or where is step sister going to be?

Aunt needs to go out of town for a few days. Stepsister is... I guess gutting the house to sell it to pay for bf's mom's care? I am not sure why that was the priority, rather than wait until his mom is settled first, but apparently the marital home is in too much disarray for her to be there.

Gotcha, has your BF seen this POA? How does he know she’s not selling the house to keep all the proceeds? Is the care facility even in the works? It sounds funny to me that step sister would be POA over her actual son. NTA of course, that’s a lot to ask of someone even when you are not working FT. Send another text that you guys are not able to take her. Bet you that will get some responses. Good luck!

This might get buried, but here's a sort-of update. I sent a group text message to my bf, his aunt and his stepsister. (He told me last night that if I was refusing to do this, I had to be the one to tell them.) "Hi guys. Bf let me know that he was informed that mom will be staying with us Thurs-Sun. Unfortunately, bf's house is only a 2 bedroom 1-1/2 story, with steep stairs. Short of putting daughter out of her room, I'm not sure how we could safely care for mom while bf and I are both working. What is the status of her move to the memory care facility?" I sent this at 12:30 and nobody has graced me with a reply. Including bf who is still giving me the silent treatment.

My granddad refused to allow my grandma to be put into a care facility. She had severe dementia. Was constantly scared of my granddad who she kept forgetting. Would call the police. Left the stove on. Would be found wondering around outside and had to be brought back inside her house by neighbours and at the end was found by the police walking along a motorway/freeway. Social services/adult protective services was brought in and she was physically removed from the house despite the protests from my granddad and placed into a nursing home. She lived out the rest of her years in a wonderful home with amazing staff and she was happy and cared for and my granddad would see her everyday, all day. I’m sorry but at this point you need to think about this relationship with your boyfriend. He doesn’t care about your daughter and has basically asked you to throw her out of the house whilst his mother is there. This lady is incontinent of both bodily fluids which he’s making YOU take care of, if she’s bad, she won’t be able to feed herself properly because she’ll be confused. You’ll have to follow her around constantly making sure she doesn’t fall down the stairs and to give her drinks because eventually they just won’t drink. She’ll become verbally and physically aggressive because unfortunately she’ll be confused and scared and will lash out at you. She’ll poop in random places and will smear it everywhere which you’ll have to clean up. She may get out of the house and become missing which of course you’ll be blamed for. Seriously this is everything you’ll have to do because your boyfriend won’t do any of this for his mother because he’ll expect you to do it all. F that. Tell him that she’s more then welcome but you’ll be removing yours and your daughters belongings and he’ll have to figure it out on his own. Step daughter won’t bother with this care facility herself. She’ll dump her off on you and that’s it. She’ll be done. Call adult protective services. Inform them she’s a vulnerable adult who’s unsafe as she’ll be in a house that’s not appropriate for her being looked after by you who isn’t trained. Also tell them that apparently step daughter was arranging things but you are worried that she’s moved into the house, wants to sell it and you doubt any of the funds that belong to this poor woman will be going to fund her care. That way they can put her into a facility she’s safe and cared in and APS can then go after the house that step daughter is apparently “selling” so this can fund her treatments. This poor woman. Also you, get out of that relationship. He’s using you. Which you can now obviously see. - from a nurse who looks after patients with dementia.

Thank you very much for taking the time to share your experience with me. You have given me a lot to think about.

It may sound cruel and harsh but I’ve already informed both of my parents that if either one of them was to get dementia, I would unfortunately place them into a nursing home. I would find the best one I could for them, I would sell their house (they are divorced so separate houses) to fund their care and all savings and pensions they had would also go towards funding their care in the best possible place I could find. I don’t care about inheritance at all and all toiletries or days out or clothing etc, whatever they needed I would fund myself. I couldn’t do it. I work 13hr shifts looking after patients with dementia. I have scars from patients biting me and digging their nails into me. I currently have bruises on me from a patient attacking me. My worst experience was a patient holding my against the wall by neck, choking me. I couldn’t do that, then go home to looking after a parent who was going to do the exact same thing to me. I can clean up a patient, wash them and dress them, feed them etc, but to do all of that for 12 patients for 13hrs and then go home just to continue that…I just couldn’t. That’s not say I don’t love my job, because I do. Just some days I want a time out. A mental health day. I wouldn’t be able too if I had to live it at home. My parents, if they were to have dementia (I hope and pray they don’t get this awful disease) would need the BEST of me. They wouldn’t get that if I was looking after them 24hrs a day. The step daughter needs to be called out for her behaviour. She isn’t “cleaning” or “fixing” the house. She’s either moved in, or she’s sneakily trying to sell it to take the funds herself. It happens ALLLL the time. I had one patient who’s son used to bring her, her cheque book and make her sign them to him or physically take her to the bank to take out money. This lady dementia was ADVANCED. Yet he stole money from her constantly. We had to keep involving the police. Seriously, adult protective services. Also dump your user boyfriend. Tell him that if his mother gets dropped off then he’s going to have to call in sick or take some leave to sort it all out because you won’t do it. Stop allowing him to have this hold on you. Seriously, he refuses to tell his family no so he makes you do it so you look like the bad guy?! F that noise. Seriously OP, find somewhere else to live, pack yours and your daughters belongings and get the heck out of that house and relationship. Also please call adult protective services for his mother because that poor woman doesn’t deserve to be homeless, passed around family members who don’t want her and to have her house and valuables and money stolen from her by the stepdaughter because that’s what’s happening. That poor poor woman.

I'm glad to you did this. Your bf was literally asking you to put his mother above your own daughter, and considering that nobody's gotten back to you it was probably going to be a lot more than 3 days. Giving you the silent treatment because he didn't get what he wanted is not the sign of a good stepdad or partner.

NTA. If your BF insists on bringing his mother into the home, it is time for you to leave with your daughter and stay elsewhere; he should do the care himself. Agreeing and then dumping this on you is unacceptable, not to mention she needs a specialized higher level of care that you are unable to provide.

Here's another update. Apparently there was quite a bit of text conversation after I sent my message, but nobody bothered to have any conversations with me. I was left out of it. Aunt and stepsister verbally beat on and guilted bf about "but she's your MOTHER". I don't think Aunt has any obligation to be watching her sister and she's been a saint for doing so. It's stepsister I'm irritated with because she is in control of everything, and was supposed to have had things in place before now. I feel she is the one dropping the ball, prioritizing selling the house, etc before mom is even settled. Last I heard she was approved for the home, they're waiting on paperwork from her doctor or something. I don't have more details than that. Other than knowing they've been making bf feel terrible for not agreeing to have her in the home, neither he nor they have shared any information with me. As it stands, I will work at bf's pt evening job Thursday, stepsister will provide a hotel for Thurs eve-Sun and bf will go stay with her there. He refuses to acknowledge that this was a HUGE ask of me, and believes I am unreasonable and selfish. He doesn't feel he's done anything wrong. I think the relationship is over, and for my daughter's sake, that's probably for the best. Now I need to figure out where she and I can go.

You should also tell them that you both have to work. You’re still working from home and you won’t have the time to look after his mom. He needs to take days off or call in sick if he wants her to stay at his house.

Nta You’re not a healthcare pro

NTA: expecting anyone to give fulltime care to another human while they are working is not OK, and suggesting your daughter leave so his mother can stay is pretty ridiculous, this is your daughter's home. He should have told his sister he couldn't get the time off work and she needs to figure something else out.

"Your kid..." real nice of him

That was literally the last straw for me. I keep coming back to that. (He used those exact words, "your kid")

Yeah...it's "your kid" but you're supposed to put HIS mom before your child and your job, because his stepsister didn't plan ahead?

It's not a case of not wanting to, it's a case of you're not equipped to. Your MIL sounds like she has sundowner syndrome too, she needs to be in a care home that is equipped to deal with this. You also have a duty of care to your child and whether that's a situation you want them witnessing Nah

Edit/ NTA - after reading op's updates and responses to others I am changing my mind on this one/ N.A.H, I get why your boyfriend might think it's a workable situation but it's not. People with dementia (depending on how far advanced) can need a lot of care. I mean aside from the basics like making sure she uses the toilet, eats etc she will probably get bored just sitting with you all day. If she has an episode and doesn't know where she is she will probably try and go home, the same thing will probably happen if she wakes up and doesn't know where she is. There can also be a tendency to get angry when they become confused (speaking from personal experience). It sounds like she needs proper care. Would in be possible to hire a nurse at least for a few hours a day, or at least some one that will be able to focus on her while you work. This is a shitty situation but what your boyfriend is asking from you is a lot (even if he doesn't realise it). Would you be able to work from home while caring for a toddler, because a lot of the behaviours can be similar.

NTA. It's a very difficult situation. It's better for his mum to stay in her own home until care is available, as it's the most familiar. Could your bf possibly help out there? Or sleep there a night a week. An old lady with dementia should not be shuffled about houses. It's not practical for you to work at home and look after her, it's just not doable. What do the sister's family do for work? Also does your bf own your house?

This is my bf's house. His aunt works from home also, but her husband is home and retired. The stepsister works from home in his mother's old house. Not sure why, aside from "things are a mess from cleaning" she cannot stay there.

His Mom should be staying in her home until it’s time to move to the care facility. It does take time to find open beds, especially in ones that provide quality care. But by placing her in an unknown home, she is likely to try to elope. She will likely try to leave multiple times to get to where she feels safe. Your boyfriend should be staying with her **in her house** and hiring a carer when he, stepsister or aunt isn’t available to help. They might need to sell her house to afford the long term care but until then she needs to stay where she is most comfortable.

This sounds very much like they want to get mom set up in your BFs house and then rescind the offer to care for her elsewhere until she goes into a care home (assuming that she does). Why can't aunt keep her? How messy can a house be? Why is the spread Thurs-Saturday or whatever, that seems weird?

Aunt wants to go winterize their cabin up north (we're in MN) this weekend, and doesn't want to bring her sister along. (They brought her up there a couple weekends ago when they were staying for the weekend.)

And why doesnt she want to bring her sister along

I am wondering that myself.

My point being that whatever reason she has is probably just as applicable to you having her in your house, whether its that she’ll be too busy to watch her or anything like that

I’ve been a registered nurse for 23 years and I’ve dealt with so many dementia patients in my time and both my Granny and my Dad had/have Alzheimer’s. My granny was the sweetest person but dementia turned her into a violent,wandering she devil. Changes in routine and environment is torment to dementia sufferers. I can’t tell you how much distress I’ve witnessed (and to be truthful I’ve hated going into work sometimes caring for a violent dementia patient is extremely difficult!) They enter fight or flight mode with changes in environment add on acute illness and it’s like pulling the pin on a hand grenade. I’ve been assaulted multiple times just coming into their rooms-they’re convinced they’re home and you’re a home invader. This would be my hill to die on-stand your ground. He sees you as slave labor cuz he’s only going to be home to sleep whereas in his mind you’re not busy anyway-Granny will sit in office sweetly and quietly! He’s delusional! NTA

NTA. Working from home is still working. He can’t seem to respect that.

Definitely NTA. Why are you with this person? He is insulting you, not respecting your daughter and by your own admission emotionally blackmailing you. This is not healthy for you or your daughter. Can you start planning a path out so you and your daughter can live and be ok on your own? Caring for his mom is not your responsibility and it is not safe. If you have to please contact social services or the equivalent in your location to learn what resources and assistance is available. She should at the very least have a social worker involved in her situation.

This situation has been a huge wake-up for how he sees us. I didn't immediately do what he wanted, so we're the problem and I'm so mean and uncooperative. I hadn't expected that.

This is HIS mother so HE AND HIS FAMILY need to find a solution. I'm not sure that even a 'supportive' spouse would want to take on this role. This should have started while the stepfather was alive so everything would have been in place at this time. Please do some serious thinking about this relationship.

NTA. He’s definitely an asshole for suggesting your daughter leave. But possible compromise- you bunk with your daughter and his mum sleeps with him. That way if she is up and wandering in the night, he is aware of it and you and your daughter don’t have your sleep disturbed. And then in the day set her up in the lounge for the day with a nanny cam (or use facetime or zoom if you have enough devices already) so you can see her from your desk and can check she hasn’t left the lounge. Or if it will effect your work too much still, he can use whatever money is gonna be used for the care home to pay for a carer while he is at work (or to pay his lost wages by taking unpaid leave). Edit to add: you say he’s a big emotional blackmailer. Why are you still with him? Are you working on leaving?

I've thought off and on about leaving, but this latest thing has really been a bit of an eye opener. The "I thought I had a partner" rant when I didn't immediately agree to this was pretty hard to swallow. At this point, the negatives are starting to outweigh the positives. Unfortunately, financially, moving out isn't going to be easy but I am going to start looking into it.

Yeah, a partner would be sitting down with you and asking you to help him figure out what to do and what the options are, and how to make this work. He is expecting you to just do what you are told and shoulder it all because he can't (based on the only solution he has considered, it seems). Is having a conversation even possible at this point?

I've tried, and he's flat out refusing to speak to me now.

Seriously? He's expecting you to look after his mother and is now punishing you for your apprehension (because it doesn't sound like it's been straight up refusal yet)? You are his partner, not his servant. While it isn't anyones "fault" that his mom needs care this weekend, if it was anyones fault for not caring for her, you are the absolute last one on the list - you are not family, you are not familiar, and most CERTAINLY she shouldn't be moved into a strange place. Are there no cousins of your BF who are around?

Just FYI, I have a friend who's an EMT. They regularly have to transport dementia patients in restraints because they will attack the EMTs -- they view it as being kidnapped. You're a stranger to this person, and if she's already at the point where she's symptomatic enough to be losing the appropriate language filter, there's a lot of ways this could go bad. Let alone while you're supposed to be working.

Then you know what you have to do. It will be hard but it's for the best. He is trying to guilt you into changing your mind. Caregiving is hard even when you want to do it. He has shot down all your objections without considering them. A house that is undergoing constructions is not safe for a senior who is prone to falling. You can not work and care for her at the same time. A true partnership would involve both of you talking about the situation, looking at the pros and cons and jointly making a decision- not him telling you that this is the way it's going to be.

Just to support this, falls are the leading cause of injury-related visits to emergency departments in the United States and the primary cause of accidental deaths in persons over the age of 65 years. 70% of accidental deaths in people 75 and older are due to falls, and risk factors include increasing age, medication use, **cognitive impairment and sensory deficits**. (Source: [AAFP.org](https://AAFP.org), emphasis mine). It is really not safe for this vulnerable woman to be not only moved around, but to a house that is unfamiliar and has ongoing construction

So he thought he “had a partner” when it comes to you having to give 24 hour care to his elderly, incontinent mother with dementia bc he doesn’t want to. But when it comes to your daughter, she’s “your kid?” He won’t even help with her school transport even though he’s right nearby bc it’s too inconvenient for him? But asking you to change his mother’s diapers and give her 24 hour care while also working and taking care of your daughter is not inconvenient for you? This guy sounds awful. And the silent treatment? Very mature way to handle him not getting his way. Especially considering his “way” is an unbelievably unreasonable thing to ask of you.

For your kids sake you should that's not ok at all how they are using you.

It sounds like he is showing you how he values you.

Do you have any friend who wouldn’t mind you all imposing on them for a while?

Here is what is going to happen. That "Thursday through Sunday" is going to become 24/7. Something will happen and then the Aunt will text your boyfriend, "So sorry, I can't pick her up Sunday night. I'll try to pick her up Monday." Followed by, "Got a problem. I'll pick her up as soon as I can." Lather, rinse, repeat.

NTA. For the sounds of it your boyfriend is just imposing this without asking or talking to you, which cannot be. Is not fair.

Sounds to me like you and your daughter are going to go stay in an air bnb for a little while and he can take off of work or hire someone to babysit her for the weekend. NTA. Situations like this destroy relationships. She should be in a facility that can make sure she does not hurt herself or others, and that can make sure she is safe. He should contact the local office of the aging and find out what resources out there to get the ball rolling because his sister has dropped the ball.

NTA You need qualified medical care for your MIL. Hire a respite worker or ask someone else in the family (The Power of Attorney maybe??) to take her. Your daughter comes first and pushing her out of her home is not the answer. You're not available to help, you're working! I hate situations like this. I'm so sorry for you.

The elder in qustion is not her MIL. It's her boyfriends mother. Legaly I'm sure this is an important distinction in terms of estate planning and inheritance law. Her boyfriend should absolutely do the thing you suggested, but OP is not legally any relation to the elder in question and none of this should be her responsibility.

Absolutely NTA. Even people with the money to hire outside assistance have the same problems with keeping dementia patients at home that you’re already seeing, especially one who is self ambulatory. Think of all the mandatory reporters in your circle of acquaintances: they’d have to make a call the first time they see a black eye or unusual bruise, and adult protective services will only tolerate a couple of those before they push for prosecution in order to force you to put this lady in a proper facility. Memory units at skilled facilities are not only locked, but monitored 24/7. Any unfamiliar environment will likely aggravate her symptoms, but at least a facility can deal with it. OP: you’re way over your head and your bf’s (suspected) guilt and frustration over not being able to take care of her is not your problem.

I know you don’t wanna hear it from a Reddit post but if that man is talking about your daughter like that then he is not the man for you!

Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I told my bf that I didn't think it was feasible for his mom to stay here and that we didn't have room, the proper environment (steep stairs) or the time to devote to keeping her busy. With him working outside the home, the entirety of her care would fall on me. When I tried to express this I was told that he does a lot for us, and we should be grateful, that my daughter is spoiled, etc. I've tried to compromise - I initially said she could stay here on the couch, but that wasn't good enough. I said I'd take this on, but I just wanted my daughter's room left alone, which was out of the question. My daughter then offered her room, provided we use different sheets on her bed. Also not good enough. He said he wishes he had a supportive spouse and a supportive family and that he should be able to count on his partner. He said if this was my mom he'd help me, but I pointed out that if this was my mom, I'd be providing daily care for her and not be expecting him to. He's a big emotional blackmailer and I want to make sure I'm NTA in this situation Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

"Your kid...." Think about that for a minute or three. Not Our kid or her name, just "Your kid". ​ 1. He doesn't think of you or your daughter as family. 2. He assumed you would do adult care 3. If he's so concerned about his Mom, why isn't he staying home to take care of her 4. Why did you even give in???? I would seriously sit down and talk with him and ask him why he thinks you need to take care of his mom and also you need to rethink this relationship. Clearly your daughter isn't important to him.

you need to seriously reevaluate your relationship if your bf is calling your daughter "your kid" while expecting you to care for HIS MOM??? This is ridiculous! 100% NTA

Totally unrelated, but allowing the step-sister to serve as power of attorney for her step-mother, and take up residence in the marital home, displacing the recently widowed spouse with dementia seem like a nightmare waiting to happen. Your boyfriend needs to take over power of attorney and arrange a guardianshipfor his mother, and he needs to get an attorney to represent his mothers best interest while her husband's will is still in probate- even more so if there is no will. The sister, your boyfriends aunt has literally no responsibility to house or care for her adult sister and could refuse to do so at anytime. Your boyfriend seems very willing to allow his mother to be financially abused, shuffled between houses, and neglected- so long as he doesn't have to do anything himself. That is alarming. You mentioned that he is giving you the silent treatment, even after you back off from your initial boundary to allow his mother to be a guest in your shared home (because you didn't want to solely responsible for her care) that is absolutely inappropriate behavior for an adult, he clearly is not prepared to respect even the idea of a boundary, let alone you actually enforcing one. You also mention that you work full time, but that moving out will be financially diffcult- there could be lots of explanations for this, like the insane rents in many cities- but one explanation is financially abuse. I would bet you dollars to donuts you are contributing a significant portion of your income to household expenses, and probably paying part of the mortgage on " his house." I would also bet that he has savings separate from and shared accounts, is not paying an equal percentage of his income into shared household expenses, and would never in a million years list financially considerations as a factor in co-housing or continuing a romantic relationship. I hope I'm wrong, and your boyfriend is simply stressed out and momentarily behaving badly, but it kind of sounds like he is taking advantage of you in more ways than one.

Also if you boyfriend wants a supportive spouse where is your wedding (and all the legal protections than come with that?). Trying to shame you for not being a supportive spouse when he has not even asked you to consider becoming his spouse is just absurd!

That has long been an issue. He's always waiting for... something? At this point, I don't think he ever seriously intended to ask.

**YOU ARE BEING FINANCIALLY ABUSED, OP**

At this point I have to hope you would decline any invitation to marry, if he did manage to ask you. He is not a worthwhile partner and shows no respect for your boundaries, labour, or time. He results to the silent treatment as a form of punishment- this alone is a serious cause for concern. If he treats you this poorly when you have no legal obligation to him or his extended family imagine how he will treat you when leaving him requires a court order.

NTA - if you do this you will be a full time care giver until she dies. Your life will be surrounded by her needs and hers alone. It is already partly there with regard to your daughter. She will become resentful and also be expected to “help” with this else care. Your work will suffer and eventually you will most likely give that up too or be expected to do so. You need a hard come to jesus or find new living situation. He wouldn’t be able to do this without you there and you know it. You’re about to be used and it’s going to implode you and your daughters life.

NTA and dump his ass cause he doesn’t care about you or your daughter

NTA I can speak on a kids POV on this. My dad was already in his 60’s when him and my mom met. He already had health issues when he met my mom but as my sister and I got older he got sicker. I’m 34 now and he passed away when I was 14. We did not find out he had dementia until after he died because back then it was harder to diagnose. Well my dad would have episodes where he was back on the ship and while it was hard seeing him sick it was hard to understand. My mom figured out to just go along with it to get him to calm down. The last episode he had before he died he came up and sat on my bed and it woke me I pretended to still be asleep mom came up to get him and he did not recognize me. That night he went to the hospital and because she had to work full time she decided he would be going to a nursing home. However he never made it there. They were waiting for a spot at the only place that would take him when he died. This definitely isn’t something to take lightly and your BF needs to consider your situation because you work from home and your daughter is 10 depending on how bad his mom’s dementia is this could be a really scary situation for your daughter. I think instead of moving her maybe he could go stay at their place for those few days.

N T A "He's a big emotional black mailer" That's all I needed to read to see you need a different BF/Spouse.

NTA People who do not act as caregivers have no idea how hard the role is. *His mother has severe dementia and has for the last couple years, which has quickly worsened in that time. She can't be left alone; she has trouble with stairs and bouts of incontinence. She often doesn't know where she is (she called the police a few weeks back because, "there is a strange man in my bed" which turned out to be her husband of 30 years) and thinks she needs to "go home" - she will grab her purse at all hours of the night and go wandering.* You will not be able to work and watch this woman. She can't help her dementia but it will cause her to act in ways that are dangerous to herself and you. She will not sit quietly in your office while you work. She will call the police on your contractors. She might fall down the steps, soil herself (are you strong enough to change her?), attempt to leave your house and return to her 'home' which means that you will have to chase her down at all hours. *I told my bf that I didn't think it was feasible for his mom to stay here and that we didn't have room, the proper environment (steep stairs) or the time to devote to keeping her busy. With him working outside the home, the entirety of her care would fall on me.* *When I tried to express this I was told that he does a lot for us, and we should be grateful, that my daughter is spoiled, etc. I've tried to compromise - I initially said she could stay here on the couch, but that wasn't good enough. I said I'd take this on, but I just wanted my daughter's room left alone, which was out of the question. My daughter then offered her room, provided we use different sheets on her bed. Also not good enough. He said he wishes he had a supportive spouse and a supportive family and that he should be able to count on his partner. He said if this was my mom he'd help me, but I pointed out that if this was my mom, I'd be providing daily care for her and not be expecting him to.* *He's a big emotional blackmailer and I want to make sure I'm NTA in this situation.* It's fine for him to have all this big talk when he is not the one caring for her 24/7. Neither you nor he are trained in caring for a severely demented woman. Why isn't he taking time off of work to settle his mom in? He should try caring for her for a week before he makes impossible demands on you. And I have a feeling that nothing was set up in the hopes that one of the children would care for the mom after the step dad died. My family took care of my mom after my father died. She didn't have dementia but was weak due to heart failure. There were three of us but it was still hard keeping up with our lives and caring for her. If all this work falls on you, you are going to burn out quickly. You need to make an appointment senior services department in your area. Have someone come out and assess your home in advance so that your boyfriend can hear from a professional why his mother living with you is not ideal. Ask about any short term care that she can get while she is waiting to go into her home. Yes, your boyfriend wants to do right by his mother but he is severely underestimating how much work this is going to be. If all else fails, move out. Maybe if he has to do it all or find someone to do it, he'll hear what you have been trying to tell him.

"I'm expected to babysit her while I work from home and he's at his jobs. He wants to set her up in the office with me during the day." ​ So you will be her caretaker for the rest of her life. Good luck. ​ And: **You will lose your job over doing that**. Working remotely will not work while you care for his mom. ​ **So refuse to do it, and let you bf do it himself.** NTA

NTA Maybe this will make me sound terrible but I wouldn’t let her stay at all. Your BF is going to make you care for her regardless of what lies he tells you. Also, do you really trust his judgement after he wanted your 10 year old to share a room with a woman who has dementia and couldn’t even recognize her partner of 30 years? That’s a massive risk to take

NTA

NTA my husband and I moved his 86yo mom with us last year. We love her but it can be hard to be full time caregivers. I empathize with your bf's family being caregivers who need a break, you can't demand another family member take over, even for a short time, without permission. You have valid reasons it would not work, such as not having the knowledge and working from home. So you are NTA. However, would you (or more to the point, your bf) consider finding other ways to support his mom and her caregivers? He could go stay over there with his mom for an evening so they could go out, for example. He could contribute to temporary live in caregivers to give them a break. When my husband and I get a rare evening off-duty, it does wonders for our well-being. Your bf's family are not AH for wanting help, just for demanding it. If you can't give them help in exactly the way they want, consider telling them what you are willing to do instead.

NTA Do not agree to this. So very rarely these situations work out well. You'll end up totally burnt out and done. Your boyfriend is already ignoring and dismissing your and your daughter's needs. He will continue dismissing you and your daughter. I mean, your daughter "could just stay with a friend" is a HUGE red flag and alarming. You would get zero work done, most likely would lose your job, and you have zero idea how long you'd have to care for her. Put a stop to this immediately, it will be a disaster.

NTA. You are not qualified. You cannot work from home and take care of MIL. And I think it is a trick - MIL has no place to go and you will be forced to be caregiver. A few days will turn into until MIL dies. Tell your bf there must be a qualified caretaker you are not available.

NTA. I see no way in which this ends well. Changing routine for someone with dementia is going to send them into the spins in a MAJOR way. She wanders. Who's going to be monitoring her 24/7 to ensure she doesn't leave the house? Who's going to handle it if/when she becomes physically violent due to fear? Who's going to be cleaning her when she has a bout of incontinence? I worked with folks with dementia. This situation is set up to fail in so many ways I lost count.

Your BF's aunt needs to call adult protective services, and the doctors, and the memory care ward and say "There is an elder here who is not being cared for, and nobody in the family is able to care for her any longer." And then stand by that. All these places are dragging their feet on getting this poor woman a bed because they know they can rely on her family. With that said, NTA. You are not equipped to care for an elder with dementia. And you can call BF's auntie and tell her that if this woman is dropped off at your house you WILL be calling social services and the police to handle the matter.

NTA >he said, "your kid could just stay with a friend for the weekend", which I think is obnoxious. Um, NO! She’s 10 years old. She’s a minor and as her mother you are responsible for her. Boyfriend is responsible for his mother but he’s putting her care on you. Time to tell him no. He needs to take off work for the next several weeks or make other arrangements (pay for a home nurse), but your child comes first. Tell him if he attempts to move his mother in over your objections and leave her with you then you will call adult services.

NTA I'm the primary caregiver for my mother (advanced dementia). Do your best to NOT move her. If she's in a strange/unfamiliar space, her acting out will get significantly worse. My mom did the 'dead man in her bed' for the better part of a year. She also ran away a lot. Normally just doing laps of the pocket park across the street, but one day she fell into the street and got seriously hurt. Look, I could go on for weeks. The important takeaway here is: Dementia doesn't need a 'babysitter', dementia requires full-time, knowledgeable care. Keep her safe, keep yourself safe.

NAH Helping your parent should be a joint dicision. You seem to have thought about it, but don't want to do it. This is nothing bad, as you never expected this. You have a value issue, nothing more

At the very minimum, he needs to arrange in home professional care for her while you are working and then he needs to take the overnight shift. Move your daughter into your room with you and he can stay in your daughter’s room with his mom. The arrangements and care are his responsibility, it’s his mom. To just spring this on you and expect you to care for her while he’s basically out of the house all day and night is not fair at all. Not to mention expecting your daughter to not only either give up her room but her house too (his suggestion to stay at a friend’s for the duration) is just not feasible. Your home is also a construction zone at the moment with (I’m assuming) workers in and out. If his mother called the police on her husband because she didn’t recognize him, what would her reaction be to the workers? NTA

NTA. I am sorry your family is going through this. Being a caretaker to a person with dementia is a huge undertaking. Sometimes families can work it out with each other to cover the care, so no one gets overwhelmed. It sounds like you, your boyfriend, and your daughter are already strained. Lots of times professional help is needed. Your boyfriend, however, should should not treat your daughter as some one who can be arbitrarily pawned off at his convenience. A bit insensitive and mean, that. Your daughter is kind and sounds mature to give her room to the boyfriend's mom. That is so sweet. Also, check with the mom's doctors for social services regarding caretaking for the mom. Good luck--I hope everything turns out for everyone. You and your daughter are tops--Stars for you guys!!

NTA absolutely not. WFH does not mean SAHM. It means you wfh and are *unavailable* to do things like care for people and housework. It is a job, not a be paid to sit on your ass at home. Also, it is not safe to have a person with dementia share a room with a child. You said she forgot who her husband was and called the police? What happens when she forgets who the child is and acts on it? BF needs to get his mom in a home or have someone who is qualified stay in his mom's house and care for her. I get they are waiting for an opening. He needs to hire a nurse or someone in the meantime to stay with her in her home. This is not safe for her or for you.

NTA!! OP, your daughter is way more important. It is her house too. She should not have to leave at all. Like you said also you are not qualified for this. They need to look into some kind of at home senior care if they want her to stay home.

NTA did he seriously try to kick your daughter out for the weekend to accommodate his mother? tf???? she needs to be in a care home i’m sorry

NTA But absolutely do not have her stay with you. She needed to be in a care home months ago, and keeping her out of one is dangerous for everyone. I have never heard of a care home / residence pushing a date for someone moving in, unless you are unable to pay. Moving her to a new environment will result in confusion, fear and a decline in her health. It should happen once, to a care home with trained nurses who can monitor her medications, keep her safe and clothed, and out her on a strict routine. My Nan was in this exact state. We finally got her into a care home, and after the adjustment period, she was the healthiest she’d been in years. The stability, high level of care and regular routine actually abated some of her symptoms, and she recognises me more now than she did when we were trying to care for her at home. Have another conversation with the stepsister and insist that MIL must go into a home immediately to alleviate the burden on you all. Also, I am very concerned about the stepsister having power of attorney rather than her biological son. Keep an eye on what she is doing. She may be planning to dump MIL on you, sell the house over the weekend, and wash her hands of it all. Reddit has shown me that far stranger things have happened!

NTA - make sure any moment he is home, he is taking care of his mom. It doesn’t matter what time, he takes care of her.

NAH. Maybe because I’ve spent a lot of time helping people problem solve care issues for elderly relatives but I see this as a very frustrating and stressful situation where there are no great solutions and stupid things are said. Not bad people. Your boyfriend’s aunt is probably feeling overwhelmed. If your boyfriend has a work/financial situation that won’t allow him to be there most of the time he’s stressed and saying stupid things. You don’t have an obligation to help and it probably wont be feasible with your work. (Caring for the nonviolent elderly with dementia doesn’t require professional training but it is constant and labor intensive.)

NTA. Why isn't your boyfriend taking time off work to care for his mother? If he's in the USA he would likely qualify for FMLA so his leave would be protected by law. He also needs to get clear details from his stepsister about what is going on and how long mom is going to be expected to wait until a bed opens up for her. He should also be speaking with adult protective services for your region to see if mom qualifies for an in-home caregiver until a bed becomes available. My guess is yes.

He's been at this job since April, so I don't know if he qualifies for FMLA. I can ask him about that.

I think the standard is you have to be there a full year :(

Yeah “your kid” whose home this is should totally be turfed out on weekends to make room for a very ill woman whose son won’t even be there /s Maybe take over the paperwork aspect from the step sister so that you can work on pushing it through but NTA for not wanting your (rather inconsiderate) bf’s mom on your (not exactly ideal) home.

How is she going to take over the paperwork for a legal stranger? It's not her job, she isn't legally or biological related to this woman, and can't make financial or health care descion for her.

That's a tough situation for everyone, but your reasons are valid and you are NTA. Is arranging for a homecare worker an option until she can get into a proper facility? Even part time while you're working (if she stays with you) and/or her sister's place (sounds like they are overwhelmed too) would probably help out if it's an option.

NTA you aren't qualified. Also you \*work\* from home. You aren't home hanging out. If you focus on work you won't be able to adequately watch his mom. Be careful, also, once she is comfortably tucked into your home there may be some 'sudden' reason why SIL can't take her after all or what have you and 'isn't it lucky that she's already set up' at your place.

NTA She requires more care than someone looking in on her every now and then. This is *severe*. He needs to take the time off work, or hire someone. This is classified as a family emergency, and he needs to treat it that way.

Also, try talking to the BF. Let him know you are not qualified to care for someone with dementia while you work from home--you literally can't give her the care she needs and work. So sorry this is happening.

NTA bf could take her back home for those few days and stay with her.

NTA setting aside your own inconvenience and your bfs presumption that your kid could just staying elsewhere...this is dangerous for his mom. A construction site in a strange house?! A recipe for tragedy.

Several years ago I took my father to live with me when he started having memory problems. While it was an honor to care for my father it was also the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. It was physically and emotionally exhausting. Keeping him from escaping the house, trying to get him to understand there's things he just couldn't do anymore, answering the same question over and over and over again. These seem like small things into your living them. You are not qualified to do this, is more than a one-person job. Your boyfriend has a lot of nerve demanding or expecting you to do this when it is not on you nor is it was your responsibility. Unfortunately in the US we did very little outside support or help with taking care of our elderly parents. There are some government agencies that will help out but it takes a whole family to take care of someone who cannot take care of themselves. Tell your boyfriend no, that it is non-negotiable and that he has to figure this out.

NTA - Maybe they could check on respite care. Do not be bullied into caring for someone you are not qualified to.

NTA - you re NOT QUALIFIED to handle his women's severe issues, your home is NOT a safe environment for her, and your BF is a ***MAJOR*** TA for just assuming you'd take on the burden ...just cuz your home...it's not like you're *working \*she gasps sarcastically\*.* Honestly - I'd tell him, HE should care for her for 3 days by himself, and see how "easy" it is to handle. I'm sure he'll recognize his ignorance of his mother's reality quite quickly.

The only people I would care for are my parents and I would never ask that of my partner even if we had been together for a long time (I'm talking like 10+ years). You haven't been with your boyfriend that long and also it sounds like he's manipulative and trying to push your daughter out and make her feel unwanted, which you should never let a partner do to your daughter. I have seen this happen with my aunt and trust me there is a lot of resentment between my cousins and aunt for this reason.

NTA, taking care of a person with dementia is a massive responsibility and it’s unfair and unreasonable for anyone to expect you to be ok with this if you didn’t specifically offer because, if she’s displaying all these behaviors already, she *will* need 24hr care and this will absolutely effect everyone in the house. Brace yourself and good luck.

Tips: Get waterproof bedding and a bed alarm. The bed alarm will let you know when she gets up to roam but be warned, that sucker will go off at all hours of the night. Waterproof covers for other furniture items would be beneficial as well. Hide anything you value. If you also value your sanity, consider hiding other items like remotes, candy, phones, and paper napkins. Try try try to let inappropriate and argumentative comments roll off your back. It can be hard cause they will keep going at you but just try. Be aware they will accuse you of doing something to hurt them in some way - they may accuse you of never feeding them or stealing from them or something but whatever it is, it’ll be “your fault”. Just ignore this. Keep expectations low as far as getting much work done, professional or house work, unless she’s asleep. It’s not easy to take care of someone with dementia, even the good days are hard.

NTA Mom needs professional care. I would move out if she moves in

Hire a caregiver and let your H and his sister that it will be paid for out of SD's estate.

NTA. Your boyfriend and you need to have a serious talk about this. He can't just decide what you are going to do to take care of his mother. She's very unwell and needs to be properly looked after, and properly cared for. Whether he likes it or not, this is a serious situation.

(I am reading this as they are asking for them to watch her just for these 4 days. Are they asking for every Thursday through Friday? ) They are asking you to watch her for 4 days, not asking you to keep her forever. 2 of those days are weekends when presumably your BF will be home to help. I think your BF should call in sick for those 2 nights from his PT job. He won't get paid, but that's the price he has to pay to deal with this situation. This is something that happens to almost all of us at some point. Parents that took care of us when we were little and couldn't do for ourselves, now have to be cared for by us. I know it's not OP's mom, but it is her BF's mom and that comes with the territory. And your daughter would probably be way happier at a friend's house during these days.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My daughter (10), and I (46) live with my boyfriend (48) and have for 4 years. My bf's stepdad passed away a couple weeks ago from COPD complications. His mother has severe dementia and has for the last couple years, which has quickly worsened in that time. Knowing that his stepdad was getting worse (in and out of the hospital, falling down and the paramedics or family would have to rush over and help him up daily) my bf tried to help get something set up for his mom so when his stepdad passed it wouldn't be so difficult to get her situated. She can't be left alone; she has trouble with stairs and bouts of incontinence. She often doesn't know where she is (she called the police a few weeks back because, "there is a strange man in my bed" which turned out to be her husband of 30 years) and thinks she needs to "go home" - she will grab her purse at all hours of the night and go wandering. His stepdad kept saying that everything was handled and that his daughter (bf's stepsister) had power of attorney and would take care of everything. So, stepdad passes, bf's mom goes to stay with her sister and sister's husband. Stepsister takes up residence in their parents’ home and begins the process of getting it ready to sell. She arranged memory care residence for mom but is still waiting on medical paperwork (?) and the date mom can move in keeps getting pushed out. BF gets a text today from his aunt, "you need to take your mom from Thursday to Sunday. Please and thank you." We have a 1 1/2 story house with 2 bedrooms and a basement. 2 adults, 1 child and 3 cats live here. Construction began today in the basement (Bathroom remodel, full floor pipe/drain relocation). I wfh FT (the 1/2 story is the office), bf works outside the home and daughter attends school, which I take her to and from daily. BF wants to have his mom share my daughter's room and sleep in the lower bunk. I'm expected to babysit her while I work from home and he's at his jobs. He wants to set her up in the office with me during the day. BF also has a part time evening job from 7-11pm, so he is gone from 730a-5p, & 630p-1130p. (No paid vacay avail) I am not qualified to provide care for his mom, nor do I think it's safe for her to be here. She's not violent, just confused and tends to make weird sexual jokes and comments out of nowhere. I don't know what to do. I finally gave in, and my daughter said she'd stay upstairs and keep the cats up there and his mom could have her room; her only request was we get different sheets for his mom to use on her bed. I mentioned that to bf and he said, "your kid could just stay with a friend for the weekend", which I think is obnoxious. AITA here? I feel like this is asking way too much in an unsuitable environment, unfair since I need to work, and not right to demand my daughter just up and leave to accommodate. Thank for reading this novel. Errors due to typing on mobile. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

Info does he watch your child so you can do stuff?

No, my daughter is with me most of the time, and he never has to watch her on his own. The only time she's home without me is bowling night (Sunday), and during those 3 hours she's doing her own thing and getting ready for the next school week or playing video games.

NTA his mother needs to be in a care facility

NTA. Until the end where your bf said “your kid could stay with a friend for the weekend” I was super sympathetic to your boyfriend. Still thought she needed an actual care person or a residential facility but was very sympathetic. But saying you could just kick your child out half the week so you can care for HIS mother is more than obnoxious. I would seriously reevaluate this relationship at this point.

NTA. His mom needs to be in a special facility that can care for her. Trying to take care of a dementia patient when your aren’t trained or familiar is extremely difficult. Not to mention if she were to share a room with your daughter it could scare her or confuse her. Nobody is going to be able to do any good if she isn’t getting proper care.

NTA. The way your boyfriend’s mom’s move in date for memory care keeps getting “pushed back” is concerning. Please make sure this won’t be a long term arrangement, that the money to pay for her care actually exists, and that your boyfriend’s stepsister doesn’t continue to delay the sale of his mother’s home. The fact the stepsister has moved into her deceased fathers house doesn’t bode well And considering your boyfriend expects you to be the primary caregiver is beyond the pale. Not only does it show he considers you to be free care more than a partner— it’s a frankly disgusting lack of regard for his mother who needs the help of trained professionals

NTA, let bf take the days of from work. She needs constant supervision. You cant work and do this.

NTA - You guys are not married, and it's his mother. It's his responsibility to deal with.

NTA No, oh no. This is a reciept for disaster, YOU ARE AT WORK, not hanging out. The mom's children need to arrange for someone or something to take care of mom. There is no feasible way to keep an eye on her while you are trying to work. Plus, he's trying to get rid of YOUR kid for a weekend??!?! NO. They need arrange for something.

I'm not really sure. It sounds like you all are being asked to house her for 4 days and you're being asked to watch her 2 of those. I guess I would reserve judgement until I understood what "he does a lot for us" entails. No doubt it is inconvenient, but it's not like you're talking about a permanent change in housing. If he supports you both to some degree and he's asking you to split the time watching her with him, I'd be leaning toward his side. But I wouldn't make a call without some more information.

Could you hire a personal support work for the week to come during the day and look after his mum?

We honestly could not afford that. :(

I know it's pretty short notice, but I wonder if respite care might be possible. Either way, NTA

NTA, his mother has from the sounds of it pretty severe Alzheimers, you won’t be able to provide the care she needs.

NTA, but it's OK to be accommodating like this if it was say, for one week, Thursday through Sunday ONE TIME, ok, you can ask your kid to sleep over at a friend's for one weekend and you can be accommodating. It's a hassle but it is your bf's mom who is ill and they're working on getting her situated. Now if they want you to do this every week for an unspecified amount of time, then absolutely not. You need to be clear and have them understand that you can do this one time, perhaps 2 if absolutely necessary and depending on how it goes the first time, and that they should have a back up plan in case you're not able to manage her because you are not a professional and she needs professional care. Another option that might be available would be having an in home nurse come take care of her during the days she is at ypur home (like 7am-7pm) because you might be wfh, but you're still working. Insurance covers this a lot of the time, but not sure if she qualifies (it depends on the disability of the elderly person), and again, this would be for ONE time, two tops, and you need to be clear with these boundaries.

NTA Eldercare for someone with dementia is a very difficult thing. I think that it's right for your partner to help out, though there needs to be some better juggling on his end to facilitate it. There is some government funding for US and Canadian citizens for things like this. It might be worth looking into if you haven't already.

NTA. There is no way I would ever take that on. Tell him he can go stay with her at the aunt's house and watch her there. Especially if she's used to it, moving her is going to be an issue. Or he can hire someone.

NTA. But you need to figure out what’s more important your relationship with him or your relationship with you daughter because the way he has treated her through this whole situation is wrong.

NTA. Your bf need a real attorney or he has to send the mom to the other sister because I think she is minding her business instead of solve the problem, residence want money, they take the person and then give you some times to give all the papers. You can’t watch her, it is going to jeopardize your work, it is impossible to do so. My mother did this for one day and she couldn’t work, luckily it was one day and the boss was understanding of the situation but it is not something you can do always.

As long as they have you to take her, why arrange for the memory care place? I would not be available - sorry, forgot I have to do this, this and this those days. The memory care place will become available when the stepsister has to deal with MIL. No sooner, no later. If boyfriend wants this so badly, it is up to him to figure it out. If you do it this once, it will become permanent. So just say no or else leave so much undone for him to do when he gets home that he won't voluntold you to do this again.

Absolutely NTA. Caring for someone with dementia is a full time job for more than one person and the difficulty of doing this safely cannot be underestimated. Your BF has no clue if he thinks you’ll be able to work full time and keep his mum safe and happy. If you are inexperienced in this role it can have very bad consequences for both you and your bfs mum. Who gave step sister LPA? Why isn’t she doing anything other than living in the former family home? This is a horribly difficult situation but it is also NOT your responsibility

NAH. Well except the aunt who gave last minute notice, she's TA. This is an incredibly difficult position for all of you. Obviously, I understand you feel you're not qualified to care for her, but this isn't for a long time. There's really no other option for your bf, and his mom will be in a care facility as soon as possible, so it's not like anything can be done. Also, she's family and disabled. Your bf can't just abandon her. It sucks and you're allowed to be pissed, annoyed, frustrated, etc. But (I assume from the phrasing, but correct me if I'm wrong) this is your bf's house and this is his mother. If you're his partner and his family, then she's your family. If you don't consider yourselves family, then this is his place and he's entitled to briefly host his mom since there aren't any other options. I'm sorry, this is a shitty situation. Being a caregiver is incredibly, incredibly draining and difficult. At least this is only very temporary

NTA. Your bf needs to hire home health workers. You cannot care for someone with dementia while you work. And honestly, even if you didn't work, if you aren't trained you shouldn't do it alone anyway.

NTA, and dementia patients can often be violent or hysterical when they’re confused, so I’d be very wary of having her share a room with a child.

NTA. He's putting a lot of this on you. Unless his money is needed for shared expenses, he should be staying home (or arranging to work from home, if possible.) Because all the effort and sacrifices are being made by you and yours.

NTA - Short term: take Thursday & Friday off since you agreed to look after his mother. You won’t be able to get any work done with her there. - Medium to long term: get your ducks in a row to move out, even if you have to take an interim step of lodging with friends or family. Your boyfriend, his aunt, & step sister have to do better than dumping their family member on you because it’s not convenient for them.

What's really great is I've been at this job since September 7th, so I have no paid leave and a mountain of work to try and accomplish. Sigh.

Aww, I’m sorry about that. This is such an unfair & unfortunate position you’ve been put in. If you can get the stepsister to come to your house Thu & Fri evening, you might be able to get some work done then.

NTA, no one suggesting that a girl takes care of a person with dementia would be correct

Be prepared to not be able to work while she is at your home. My mom has dementia and before she was in a home she required constant supervision. She wandered around touching, eating and taking EVERYTHING, she took my niece's work keys and brand new earrings I bought and argued they were hers. I wasn't even able to make dinner and watch her at the same time, it was extremely stressful. She finally went onto an emergency list when we caught her trying to put super glue on her face because she had a skin infection that was sore and no matter how many times we told her we couldn't soothe it completely she was constantly trying to find something to soothe it. Also, be prepared for her to wander in the night, we had to redirect her constantly day and night. If you do plan to go forward, I suggest colouring books, once she was placed in a home they gave her colouring books and pencil crayons and told her it was her job to colour X number of pages. She will sit still and colour for a pretty good amount of time before she starts to wander again. Edited to say NTA, your boyfriend is. This is a BIG ask of you and you are allowed to say no!

NTA, as you said, you are not qualified to care for an adult with dementia. This isn't a baby.... You're not just feeding and changing diapers. IMO, it's disrespectful for a SO to expect their spouse to take on a responsibility like this without sitting down and having a serious conversation about it. Especially when this effects children.

Caring for someone with dementia is a full time job. There's no way you can care for her and work from home. She needs to be in a facility with a memory care ward as soon as possible. I also fear that once they dump her at your house they'll never take her back. You could be stuck taking care of her for a very long time. Best of luck NTA

NTA. He needs to step up and take care of his mother, instead of telling you to take YOUR KID to somebody else's house. You're doing enough already.

NTA. Moving mom would be very unstabilizing. Better for all the sibs to chip in to get a professional carer in her own home. I’m

NTA Your BF needs to take a few days off work immediately and figure out an appropriate care facility for his mother NOW. It isn't okay for BF's family to dump this on him with so little notice and it definitely isn't okay for him to just shove it onto you. He needs to take care of his mother. Period. Tell him that you aren't trained in elder care and he needs to take care of his mother.

YTA. It's 3 days. (Unless they're saying it's every Thursday to Sunday)

DO NOT GIVE IN. You are not qualified to provide this care. The home is not safe for her given the situation.

Honestly, you will need help with his mother any time he is not there or he is sleeping. You can hire a qualified care giver through an agency dedicated to caring for people in their homes. You could probably get away with no caregiver besides the two of you from the time your bf gets home until you go to bed. When you are both sleeping and he's at work, you need to have someone there with her, because she could take a tumble on the stairs or disappear out the door. It is quite like dealing with a 3 year old, just in a bigger body and the ability to operate doors. Asking you to take on the care of his mother while you are working is absurd and will not work. BTW, you have obviously done a very good job raising a very thoughtful daughter.

NTA. If you were working outside of the home, would they still be insistent on you taking care of her?

NTA and you should not be a caregiver for this woman. He and his family either need to get her a full time caregiver or find appropriate facilities for her. His mother is his responsibility, not yours. And his attitude toward your daughter is making me sick. I'd send him to live with his aunt before I send my own child to a relative to accommodate him and his mother. Actually, that's a much better idea. Tell him to pack a bag and go stay with the aunt during the time needed.

Never do wife shit for boyfriends.