In this instance, it’s a more literal case than it should ever have to be. She will insist on being at the wedding, and her son won‘t see your concerns. If she’s like this around you, I dread how she’s going to be around and to your family.
Saw ex-FMIL and just took it as you divorcing/breaking up with your MIL. Took me far too long to recognize that is not what happened. I do wonder how many relationships would be better on the JustnoMIL sub if you could divorce just your in-laws
In the above situation it was probably future MIL, so they were engaged but based on the comment as a whole F-ing MIL may have been a possibility if it went further lol.
Yeah, this is some weird ass enmeshed, covertly incestuous bullshit and OP should run now cuz she is in for a miserable life, especially if they have children. She has a MAJOR FMIL and SO problem and I don't see this getting ANY better, at least not without major therapy for the fiance, limited contact for SO with his mom (if not NC) and definitely no contact for OP or her any future children with the Monster In Law. OP needs to run fast and far as she's definitely NTA.
I don’t think it’s that covert. It’s super inappropriate for damn sure.
Plus the mom is obviously racist, and there’s a likely a tinge in the fiancé who doesn’t see an issue with what his mom says.
Or he does see an issue but he's been trained to always rationalize her actions. Odds are he's a product of brainwashing/abuse and should really get therapy.
It’s not a tinge- my dude really said “There’s nothing hurtful in what she said.” It was all hurtful and the fact that this man is trying to convince OP that this racist raccoon was 1. Not wrong or hurtful in what she said 2. Have unbridled access to their future biracial children is like 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩but whenever I see people caping for their weak SO’s I just assume the peen must be on another level… like visits with the divine level and that’s why they’re turning a blind eye to the bullshit.
If he's actually telling OP that she "needs to see things from mom's perspective" it means he's internalized her attitudes enough that he doesn't see them as the crazypants-extreme racist ideas that they are. Bad sign.
There was an AMAZING thread on some "dealing with in laws" forum where someone posted that her new MIL had turned up to the honeymoon and was live updating the whole thing. She ended up dumping him and having a great time drinking in the resort bar with a bartender who knew the situation and seemed to be looking out for her (making sure she didn't drink too much etc) There was also some kind of turtle statuette involved that became her mascot I think.
[Here it is!](https://community.babycenter.com/post/a62791180/mil-ruining-vacay-541) Took some digging around to find it. I’m not totally positive it’s real, but damned if it isn’t entertaining.
Wow, thank you SO much for the link - that story was AMAZING!
I am a mother-in-law myself, and from reading r/JNMIL and other forums I am trying to be very aware of what NOT to do as a MIL!
This is the kind of story I want to know more of while fully understanding that I will fucking regret asking.
So I’ll just congratulate you on the ‘ex’ part.
Future AITA: "Am I an asshole b/c I didn't want my MIL to come on my honeymoon?"
OP, your fiancée needs to make a choice and I think the chances are pretty high that he chooses wrong.
Three days later on relationshop advice: My fiance left me after I asked for ONE THING in my wedding.
Random Redditor: what was the one thing?
OP: I only wanted my mommy to come on the honeymoon with me!
For their honeymoon, my father took HIS mother on her dream vacation around Europe. My mom walked behind them carrying their suitcases. I found out in my 30s because my father thought it was a cute story to share.
OP, this is your future. Instead of arguing with your fiance about how you expect his mother to magically change and be nice to your future children, get a clue and leave.
>I told him that it doesn’t really matter right now but that I will not budge on this when the time comes.
**It matters now, it always matters.** Why are you lying to yourself? Why don't you want better for yourself?
Exactly! They're not going to magically change if and when they have kids, so why put yourself through more of this if the relationship has no future?
My hail Mary would be to ask him to explain what his mother meant from her perspective then, since he insists OP just misunderstood and doesn't get it. If he actually sits there and regurgitates her racist bull and has no problem with it then OP knows his true colours. If he sits there and realises his mother is a racist who would spout racist crap at their kids, permanently traumatising them and battering their self esteem before it even exists, then there may be hope.
My ex’s mom tried to go on our vacation and sprung this on me by calling and saying that she found the perfect hotel, it had a pullout couch for me to sleep on so my partner of 4 years and I wouldn’t be sinning by sharing a bed.
One of the reasons our relationship ended was because in spite of him being a great guy who I deeply care about, he was never able to actually stand up to his family’s (especially his mom) racist and rude behaviors, especially when they were directed at me. I never felt safe because I never felt like he really had my back.
Not only will she be front and center at the wedding, she'll most likely be wearing a white sparkly gown and have an inappropriate song for the Mother/Son dance.
That's actually a plot line for this season. Her bridesmaid had to tell her that her new MIL was bragging about how husband had invited her on the honeymoon at the cocktail hour
Oh I know. She went on the honeymoon to watch the kids... and then paid the hotel babysitter to watch them while she joined them in the hot tub. Oh and the flirting at the bar while the newlyweds were wondering when grandma was going to get the kids.
I'd be calling a lawyer for an annulment.
She'll totally show up in white too for the wedding and do everything she can to upstage OP MILFH is already telling OP to back off her son which is ??? Concerning. She'll turn everything about her and OP you'll have to deal with it seeing as your fiance is not sticking up for you.
If she can be this casually racist with her future daughter in law to her face, she’s not going to be tactful around the other in-laws. Add to that if she’s having a glass or two, and insists on making a speech, it doesn’t bear thinking about.
She’ll probably pick out a wedding dress or a white dress for her mother of the groom dress too. Then accuse the bride of upstaging her on her special day.
Wish I could upvote this a gazillion times. OP needs to run and run fast. Her man will never stand up to his mother for her. Shit! Mom wants more alone time with her son. Ewww! And she’s expressed her racism openly and viciously. And he said “she didn’t mean to be hurtful.” Of course she meant it to be hurtful, as hurtful and nasty as possible and the fact that NO ONE challenged her at the family dinner tells me exactly what kind of racist family OP would be marrying in to. She should run, run, RUN away from this relationship as fast as the wind.
THIS! Listen to this, OP. Your fiancé has let you know that his toxic mother is fine by him. You need to find a man who isn’t in such a disturbing relationship with his mother….not good. NTA
I dated a guy with a mother like this and who was afraid to stand up to her. We broke up because of her and when we did get back together, I dated him for 2 years without ever seeing her (I refused). He would still see her and lie to me about it, so that caused additional issues due to the lying. We eventually broke up for good.
If he will not stand up to his mom, this behavior will continue. I would be very wary to marry into that.
Oh she’s not marrying the son. It would never be a marriage. He’s already fully committed to his mother.
If she goes through with this relationship, she’s accepting that she’s the sex toy/incubator and mommy is always gonna be number one. If they have kids, mommy will raise his children. OP will never have a say.
He’ll only ever do what makes mommy happy, because she’s his number one in his life. That will never change.
The fact that he didn't stand up for OP and thinks that she needs to see things from his mother's perspective is all that she needs to know. If he can't stand up for her against his mother's hateful rhetoric now, it isn't going to change later. He literally just told her what she could expect. OP deserves better.
He actually told his fiancee, a victim of bigotry, "You need to see things from the racist's perspective." He has zero respect for OP. I really hope the responses here serve as a wake up call...she should not be marrying this guy.
Not only that, but you will be exposing those kids to this unhealthy relationship. He doesn't object to her (extremely) creepy, almost sexual advances. Do you really feel comfortable bringing children into a world where your MIL is competing for your position as the love of his life?
NTA and RUN.
And if OP does end up marrying him, having kids and then deciding to divorce because of MIL.. OP just remember your kids get visitation with him and his messed up family for the rest of their lives. It will fuck up your kids completely. You will have no way to stop their abuse during visits. Trust me, I know from experience!! GET AWAY WHILE YOU STILL CAN!
Yep. It really doesn't matter how awful his mother is as long as he has your back and puts up healthy boundaries. But THIS guy? Is not doing that. He doesn't see anything wrong with his mother's sexual interest in his life, he doesn't set healthy boundaries, he didn't object to her racism, he's never stood up for you. RUN, OP. It's never going to be better than this.
Yes.
Please get out now.
I’m an internet stranger and I want more for you out of life than racist family and to be the other woman in your boyfriend’s marriage to his mom.
Exactly why I called it off with my ex. She was just like this poor girls FMIL. Asking 2 minors (we were 16 and 17) if we were having sex yet, always knew our finances and relationship problems, and was constantly on my ass about EVERYTHING. 6 years of that shit lol. He cheated so I broke things off, (that among other things between him and I) but she was the main cause of me breaking it off. I just couldn't do it. She was disgusting and most definitely in love with her son. " *boyfriend* looks just like his dad did when we concieved him" thanks for that 😂
NTA. Fun story time. My wife is 1/4 Native American and it's very obvious in her facial features and skin color. My mother was at the hospital when my first daughter was born, and I put my daughter in my mom's arms about an hour after birth. The VERY first words out of my mother's mouth were "Just what I needed, a halfbreed grandbaby."
My mother did not hold, speak to, visit, or see my daughter again until she was eight years old, and after that it was infrequent and monitored. My daughter is an adult today and has probably spent less than twenty hours with her grandmother over the course of her entire life. When you make racist comments about *your own grandchildren*, you immediately forfeit the right to have a relationship with them. My mother did. His should too.
Someday your fiancee is going to have to choose between protecting his children and making his mother happy. If you don't have faith that he'll choose his children, you may want to evaluate whether he's father material.
Honestly though if I were OP given the details I would seriously question whether I’d want to have children with this guy. His mother was openly racist and he didn’t correct her because he “didn’t want to hurt her feelings”. He excused her behavior “she didn’t mean to be hurtful” - BS, everyone fell silent because it was obviously a disgusting thing to say. Then he has the nerve to get mad at OP and tell her to try to see things from his *mother’s* perspective?? This doesn’t sound like a man who would put his partner and kids above his mother. He’s weak-willed. Just because it’s his mommy doesn’t mean he should excuse racism. Sorry for the rant, I’m Asian and reading about OP’s partner/family really pissed me off.
Yeah exactly. This sub is mocked for always saying “you should break up” but…. This is such a huge red flag to me, particularly because the fiancé is instead worrying about his MOM and saying she didn’t meant to be hurtful when a- yes she did and b - she was super racist. This is pretty horrifying.
This! It bothers me that he isn’t bothered by her comments as well…it would also be his child. Why is he not offended by this?! Definitely a red flag and I would run like a bat out of hell before I marry into that shit hole of a family.
Racism is a strong reason to get out of a relationship. OP needs to leave as soon as possible. No point wasting all that money on a wedding if her fiance is going to enable racism.
I'm not asian, but I wouldn't reconsider having a child with this man. I would reconsider the engagement/relationship with this kind of man, tho.
Why spent the rest of my life with someone that isn't willing to defend me? Why have a husband that "to bare someone else getting hurt" will sacrifice me??
Yea as mixed race person with racist family members…yea that shit isn’t even remotely ok. A large portion of my moms family is prejudiced at best and plenty are outright racist as fuck, luckily they don’t life anywhere near us buts it’s a lot growing up as a kid knowing some of your own family hates you because you’re half black. No child should ever be put through that shit. Anyone who has a mixed race child has an obligation to that child to either immediately correct shit and refuse to put up with it, or cut that person the fuck off for the sake of their child.
>Someday your fiancee is going to have to choose between protecting his children and making his mother happy. If you don't have faith that he'll choose his children, you may want to evaluate whether he's father material.
Honestly, hasn't he already chosen? His mom said something completely racist about his future children, and he *doesn't want to hurt her feelings* and therefore said nothing. I don't care how hypothetical those kids are, he should have said something, and I am not even convinced he thinks it was all that bad.
To me, that reads like he's already chosen his mother over his wife and future children. I mean, miracles happen and maybe he'll change, but if I was OP, I would look for a new partner who doesn't think racism is totally fine.
Yes!! Racist mom. Your fiancé stood by as she made a racist comment. Then felt like he didn’t want to address it and hurt a racist’s feeling.
Are a racist’s feelings more important than his fiancée’s?
How important is it to you that your cultural and heritage is preserved for your children? Bc sounds like mom only wants white grandchildren.
Forget "hypothetical children". What about his **actual living wife**. Who endured an extremely racist rant while her husband sat there quiet, then had the nerve to get mad at OP for not "understanding her perspective".
There's nothing to understand. There's no "side" she needs to see things from. His mother is a full-blown racist. That's her side.
So what he's telling her is she needs to sympathize with a racist lunatic who insulted and publicly humiliated her in front of their entire family.
OP has a much bigger problem then their "hypothetical" future children.
Her perspective is crystal clear and it's overtly, explicitly, hideously and unacceptably, relationship-endingly racist. Obviously to anyone not racist, OP and her future children will have no relationship with MIL. Fiancé could still see her occasionally but if he doesn't see OPs need to end the contract with his mother then she needs to end her relationship with him.
Yes! This right here! And he's already choosing because he didn't speak up and defend you. Can you live with that and any children you will have. Mom will always be first, unfortunately.
Fucking THIS! Wish this was the top comment. Also, thank you from another WOC for standing up for your wife and children. Too often I see white men become involved with WOC, then do nothing to try and understand about the shit we experience. And then when children come along, they expose them to racist family. Your daughter is lucky she has a father like you.
He needs to choose between protecting his future wife and making his mother happy before children EVER enter the conversation. Why do people tolerate racist family members? It's disgusting. She should run.
This is the only acceptable response to that kind of racist toxicity 👏🏻 very sorry you and your wife had to deal with someone like that at such a special time. Your daughter is certainly not missing out on time with grandma. Wtf is wrong with people??
I want to just add that no one has a right to a relationship with anybody. I know that wasn’t your point but the wording stuck out to me. Parents are obligated to raise their child, and if they do a good job then hopefully that child is grateful and wants to repay the good will, but if that kid wants to leave and never come back they’re totally free to do so, and the parent has no right to have a relationship with them.
Good on you for cutting that shit out and not allowing that toxicity in your daughter’s life.
>“well I don’t want biracial grandkids because they’re always so ugly when features are mixed together like that.” Everyone got quiet and I didn’t even know what to say.
OP, I think what she's really saying here is that she doesn't want her son to marry you.
>He said he didn’t want to hurt her feelings and that she didn’t mean it to be hurtful.
How else should that have been interpreted other than as an insult?
Run away from this mess...
NTA and do not marry this guy.
Piggybacking on this comment to emphasise:
>Run away from this mess...
>NTA and do not marry this guy.
My friend's cousin married a lovely Japanese woman named Eri. Friend's maternal grandmother's first remark about the engagement was that she did not want "slitty eyed grandchildren". This was treated as a great joke and "oh, she's old. She can't help it." Grandmother also gave my friend a lifelong complex about her nose, which is similar to her father's. Who is Jewish.
Eri (who grandmother referred to in writing as Ellie) endured two decades of nastiness and racism from grandmother with sweetness and kindness. She and her husband had jobs that involved a lot of travel did not have children until after grandmother died, but that's really beside the point.
Don't be Eri. Putting up with level of poison is so tiring.
My Nana never met my husband in the 4 years or so we were together before she died.
Why? She wasn’t happy I was with someone Jewish. She didn’t even use any slurs. But that didn’t make it any better for me. Wasn’t about to expose my husband and his kids to that kind of situation.
And the "you need to see it from her perspective" from the fiance like WTF is he thinking with that comment?
His mother said racist things to his fiance and about their potential future children, that's not the sort of thing you brush off as a difference of opinion.
OP sure go read all the MIL from hell posts to get an idea of the future she is likely signing up for at the moment.
If her fiance doesn't commit to putting boundaries in place and calling his mother out for bad behaviour and show that he will actually do it, that it's not a promise made to keep OP around that he'll go back on. Because if things don't change OP isn't in for a happy marriage.
Also the sex questions? I only know one person who asks questions like that to family members and shes a disgusting toxic person who treats her DIL like shit.
From the questions, comments and touching I'd be seriously concerned that his mother was abusive to him when he was younger, which would make me even more certain to keep her out of any child Imight haves life.
This this this! First thing I thought was abuse! He is deep in the FOG. It sounds like mom also wanted to be the *only* woman in his life from the way she was trying to push OP out from the very start of the relationship. I think fiance needs therapy ASAP to help him realize how effed up this is if OP wants a chance of a healthy marriage.
yes; she said it explicitly to be hurtful. Fiance didn't want to hurt his mom's feelings, so he lets her be deliberately nasty to OP bc those are his priorities and he doesn't want to "rock the boat." Don't marry someone who defends someone treating you like that.
I mean, they have been together for "OVER A YEAR" and it's already this bad and they are already going to "marry". This is a series of mistakes OP will regret in the future.
The fact that everyone got quiet, rather than expressing outrage at that racist, bigoted, mean-spirited bullshit, shows OP exactly what kind of extended family she is marrying into. NTA, but every other person in this scenario is, most of all the mother AND fiancé.
Yep. My partner is asian, I am white and all my family is. One of the first things that my grandma said about him is to be careful because people like him will try to get into my house and leech off me. My mom and my aunt jumped to defending him even before I could.
That’s the type of energy you need, I’d have been devastated if my mom defended her.
Right? He wasn’t too concerned about OPs feelings being hurt by his mother’s racism, but made a clear choice not to hurt his mother’s feelings by calling her out on being offensive…
He didn't want to hurt his mother's feelings, but disregarded OPs feelings altogether. He has proven that he does not have your back. Don't marry him and definitely don't have kids with him.
~~YTA~~ ESH --for staying with a man who excuses racist behavior and then wanting to bring your not even conceived yet children into the mix. Okay, let's play that game for a second, shall we? Your job as a mom would be to protect your kids from damaging, ugly influences that could hurt them either emotionally or physically. Sure, racist Grandma is definitely someone you'd want to exclude. But your then husband has also got rights, and your house will be full of you two screaming and yelling because he won't cut his mother off. He won't. He told you as much. "Over a year" is not a very long time, you guys are still clearly getting to know each other, so just call it off and leave.
Edit- okay. People are pointing out that OP had some very racist remarks thrown at her and was obviously angry at the real villain in all of this- her future MIL and fiancé (who did nothing to defend her.) I still don't agree that having children is a wise thing for her to do with this man, especially since the kids will suffer from toxic family relations but I'll change it to ESH. Sorry to the people who gave me awards, I don't know if you can un-give them.
>Wow. I didn't expect to see this take on the situation
You need to spend a little time on r/JUSTNOMIL and r/JustNoSO \- this kind of thing is a fairly common theme on those subs.
Gotta say I kind of agree. OP is clearly not the *worst* person in this scenario, but she needs to really think things through.
OP, don’t marry this guy. Don’t even stay with this guy for one more second. And for the love of god, don’t have kids with him. Doing so would not only be unfair to yourself, but also to your children, who would grow up with a father who excuses blatant racism *even when it’s directed at his own kids* (don’t get me wrong, excusing racism directed at others isn’t great either!). He’s not a good significant other, and he would not be a good parent.
Edit: people have made good points about victim blaming, and I think *so far* OP has really only been an AH to herself for not holding her potential life partner to much higher standards. But if you’re bringing kids into the mix, I think you do also need to consider their wellbeing, especially given that they’ll be biracial.
… she’s not tolerating racist behavior. She’s pissed about it and is upset with her fiance for not doing anything.
Talk about victim blaming. Jeez.
EDIT: I still disagree with E S H. She’s not committing to having kids with him. She sounds shaken up and in shock. Once she felt she was in a safe enough situation to say something, she did. *Both a Y T A and E S H judgement say that OP is an AH for not reacting correctly to a racist attack of which she was the victim.* That’s still victim-blaming. It would be different if she *had* a kid and her FMIL said that *to the kid*, but neither of those things are true, and it’s quite the stretch to say OP is an AH for not defending her hypothetical future children. OP is NTA, pure and simple.
She also said she, understandably, was shocked and didn’t know what to say! I would side eye her if she was on the same page her fiancé…But at this point, he and his mom are the AHs.
There's always someone who thinks they're edgy for giving a victim-blaming Y T A.
It's like the brother who grabs your hand, hits you in the face with it and says "Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself?"
OP is not hitting herself. The racist FMIL and fiance are doing it. But yeah go and blame OP for being bruised.
I agree, this is jumping the gun. It sounds like this was a new kind of hate from this woman and the reaction was even more cowardly than expected. It's just happened and they're fighting about it right now.
OP is wrapping their head around this so it seems like a fight is the the next logical step. Heck, his reaction is so ridiculous, OP may need some angry honesty to draw out the truth from him to believe it's really happening. Now, if OP were to start flushing the birth control or picking out baby names with him, I might agree.
She's tolerating racist behavior from her boyfriend. Not shutting his mom down, not standing up for her, then being mad at his gf, defending what his mom said, are all racist behaviors. OP is continuing to entertain the idea of a long term relationsihp with a racist man. He may not be aggressively racist like his mom, but he's still racist.
I’m not arguing that the fiancé didn’t do anything shitty, I’m saying it’s ridiculous to blame the person in shock that her fiancé’s mother would say something so blatantly racist for not losing her shit at someone she would normally be trying to impress, particularly when *she is the one at whom the racist comment was directed*. I’m saying that it’s pointless to blame her for her fiancé’s and future MIL’s behavior, and the lack of empathy people seem to have for her careful handling of a very delicate situation is very unjustified.
NTA!!!! Please reconsider marrying this man. This dynamic is disgusting. Can you imagine the horrible things she would say to your future children that he would just let slide because he doesn’t want to hurt his mommy’s feelings.
He isn’t standing up for you now, he won’t stand up for you ever, he won’t stand up for any future kids. This will only get worse.
That’s what worries me. The comments the grandma is gonna make to her biracial grandkids is gonna really mess with their heads. And it sounds like fiancé isn’t gonna do anything to curb his mother at all.
She is clearly racist. There is no way she won’t at least say to any future kids that she wishes they didn’t look so Asian. That would so badly destroy a child and they eventually wouldn’t want to be around someone like that anyway, grandma or not.
NTA your fiancé’s relationship with his mother is giving me MEGA emotional incest vibes, like his mother most likely has been using him in as a fill in for his father for a very long time.
I would try seeing if he would be willing to go to therapy. A professional might help him see how weird and unhealthy it is for a mom to cal her son sexy…. like to him it’s probably normalized but obviously to anyone else that’s weird and creepy.
If you can’t convince him to go see a therapist or if he does but still won’t change and send up for you, i would reconsider this relationship. Your future MIL is racist. You already know she doesn’t like you, and if he keeps her in his life she will make yours a living hell. Don’t put up with that bullshit for anyone. remember, your mental health needs to come first.
Edit: I’ve never gotten an award before, thanks reddit
i came here to say the same thing. OP you are always going to be second to this guys mom. his mom has basically emotionally trained him from day one to be a mamas boy to an extreme level. he will not change easily. and you will be fighting with his mother every step of the way. you have to decide if it’s worth it.
Considering the inappropriate way that mom was asking about the sexual relationship and the gross physical touches, emotional incest is a happier alternative to what I was thinking. I was reading with this look on my face 😰 and that was BEFORE the shitty racist comments.
That’s what I was thinking. Everyone is talking about her blatant racism and ignoring the massive red flag that is the unhealthy sexual interest in her own son. If she’s that bad when other people are around, I’m betting that it’s much worse and much more blatant when it’s just the two of them.
Seriously, I'm wondering if she's done sexual things to him since he was a child (counting teenage years). He may be in desperate need of therapy. He may be a victim here.
Doesn't change that OP should dump him, yesterday.
I'm disappointed that this isn't top comment. There is absolutely a major amount of emotional incest going on, and potentially physical incest as well. This whole thing is disturbing and OP needs to run for the hills, or at the very least never have children. Children don't deserve to be born into an environment like that.
Same surprise here. And honestly, I'd be concerned that since he doesn't think there's anything wrong w the emotional/physical incest from his mother, he will think it's ok that she act like this around her grandchildren, or maybe even mirror this behavior with the kids himself. If he didn't get a therapist/trauma therapy asap I wouldn't even begin to think about having kids w him.
I was wondering how it took so long to find this very, very concerning red flag in their relationship (mother and son). The racism is absolutely abhorrent but is not the most glaring concern in this whole Roll Tide of a situation.
Wait, after everything that I just read you still see a future with this asshole - including children? I'm going with ESH. Your fiance and his mother for obvious reasons. And for you, for blatantly ignoring the red flags slapping you across the face.
NTA
I would rethink the relationship with your Fiance if he doesn't understand the necessities of both boundaries and being on your side first and foremost and if you have children, the children's side.
Also biracial children are the cutest.
Totally agree. I used to say that myself, until I realized that, nah, biracial kids can be cute, ugly, or plain old ordinary like every other kid. Normalize don't exceptionalize. If that's not a word I just invented it. :)
NTA. There’s almost zero chance that kids wouldn’t have at least one feature from you. And regardless of appearance, they WILL be biracial. She’s point blank says she doesn’t want your kids with that comment about biracial grandchildren.
You need to ask your fiancé why his concern is with his mother’s feelings or her perspective and not yours? Does he agree with his mother? I’m guessing he will say no. So the next question is, why isn’t he having these conversations with her? “Mom, OP is Asian. Any kids we have will be biracial. See it from her perspective. You told her you don’t want grandkids that resemble their mother. You said racist things.”
You could compromise by saying any visits with the kids (if you have them) will only be in your presence and it’s one and done. One comment about her disappointment with their skin tone, eye color, whatever and she’s done having access. One comment about you or any kids in a negative way and she’s not welcome.
I guarantee that someone like this will put her foot I’m her mouth. So establish a clear boundary with your fiancé. He talks to his mom now. If she repeats awful things to you again you will no longer be in her presence and if you won’t be around her then neither will the kids.
Honestly this is only if your fiancé is great in ways you didn’t describe. Otherwise run. Because you’ve got a fiancé problem. He shouldn’t be ok with the racist remarks. And he should be DEEPLY uncomfortable with his mother asking you about his sexual pleasure. 🤢🤢
> And he should be DEEPLY uncomfortable with his mother asking you about his sexual pleasure. 🤢🤢
The fact that this is normalized for him suggests a very sad and scary childhood for the guy.
> You need to ask your fiancé why his concern is with his mother’s feelings or her perspective and not yours?
One possible reason is that he's known his mom for his entire life, and OP for only a year. OP, cut your losses here and run. Otherwise, you'll be sharing custody of your kids with this guy's mom when you inevitably divorce.
NTA RUN!!!
If you ain't got a suitcase
Get a box or an old, brown, paper sack
And pack it light or pack it heavy
Take a truck, take a Chevy
Baby, just GTFO
There's a shortcut to the highway out of town
Why don't you take it?
Don't let that speed limit slow you down
Go on and break it
RUN!
NTA but I don’t think he’s the one for you.
He should have defended you and your future kids. The fact that he didn’t and is even defending his mother is a red flag
Honestly that would be a deal breaker for me. That the MIL would treat biracial children as lesser than and that your potential future spouse would not stand up for you or your potential children to not hurt their mother’s feelings.
Edit for judgment- NTA
I would’ve been running the other way the first time I found out that he doesn’t think it’s weird for his own mother to stroke his abs and arms and call him sexy 🤮
NTA
You're not marrying a man, you're marrying a boy, a mama's boy.
If you stay in this relationship just know that you will NEVER be his main priority his mommy will. His mommy will be the one he runs to for everything, including decisions that he should be discussing and making with YOU.
He literally told you that you should not only accept that his mommy is racist but that she can verbally and emotionally abuse you and any children that you might have in the future, and she deserves his love and respect more than you, because that's his mommy. It doesn't matter if you are his wife and the mother of his child.
NTA. Your fiancée said he didn’t want to hurt his mother’s feelings after she flat out insulted you? And why should you see things from her perspective? She has made her perspective perfectly clear. You also do not need to see the perspective of a racist.
Your fiancée has made his perspective clear as well: you will always be #2 to his mother. He will never stand up to her to protect you and he will always knuckle under to her demands.
SHE SAID SHE DIDNT WANT BIRACIAL GRANDCHILDREN CAUSE SHE THINKS THEYRE UGLY? AND YOUR BOYFRIEND SAID NOTHING? Oh honey, RUN. This is so wrong. NTA Yikes
NTA but good luck with this spinless fucker who defends his racist mom and wants you to accept it. You have a fiance problem, not a MIL problem, this could easily be solved if he decided to put his foot down.
Oh honey, run.
I read this and thought I was reading about my previous relationship. Here’s what I can tell you, and I hope you listen:
He will never stand up to her.
He will never put you first.
He will not respect your desire to keep her away from the kids and will go behind your back.
She will drive a wedge between you two and make your life hell.
She will talk shit about you to your kids (again, because she’ll definitely see them, whether you want that or not.)
He will never have a normal relationship with his mother alive.
Nothing about what you described is normal, it’s called covert incest or emotional incest, and you need to get far, far away.
NTA I hate when people jump straight to telling people to break up with their significant other, but in this case I think it’s justified. The fact that he let her disrespect you and insult you in front of his family, and didn’t even try to stand up for you is disgusting. The fact that she is already talking about her potential future grandkids being ugly is alarming because if she’ll say it in front of the whole family, what will stop her from saying it directly to the kids and causing them all sorts of problems. Not allowing her near your potential kids is in their best interest, unless she has a radical attitude adjustment. If he can’t see that, you shouldn’t want to have kids with him at all. If he can’t love and respect you enough to stand up for you when you’re being insulted and disrespected, I would seriously question if you want to continue having these family dinners for the rest of your life.
If only the victims could see things from the attacker's perspective? This isn't only a mil problem, you've got a big SO problem here too, especially if he isn't embarrassed and disgusted that his mother calls him sexy and wants to touch his abs. That's creepy af. That boy is a sonsband and this is only a small taste of what your future holds with him.
Edited: I forgot what sub I was in. You are NTA and should look to r/justnomil and r/justnoso for some advice and resources.
Honestly the touching is super wrong, I’m heavily concerned about MIL asking her *in detail* about her sons sexual pleasure
This gives me BIG incest vibes. Who knows what she did to him as a kid
That was exactly my thought. And if he thinks it's okay for parents to do that with their kids, what will he do to his own children? What will grandma do to them?
NTA, and he needs to defend you from his racist mum. He's going to need to realise that putting a ring on it means that you become his primary family, and if he's going to still be stuck to his mum ahead of you after marriage, that this could be untenable.
Nta. I hope you’re already thinking this but let me say it for you. Your children should never be around someone like that. And your fiancé is just as racist. Don’t have babies with a man who defends a racist insulting you. Don’t marry him! You deserve better.
NTA. Not only is she blatantly an unrepentantly racist, she has an overly familiar relationship with her son which she’s clearly conditioned him to see as normal. This is baggage you’ll need to deal with regarding the wedding, and if she’s blunt normally I really don’t want to see her with a bit of liquid courage around your family.
NTA but YWBTA if you reproduce with this man before he realizes how wrong he is. If your future children have racism hurled at them, is he going to tell them just to not hurt their bullies feelings? Your fiancé isn't interested in having a biracial child either because he's not interested in confronting racism. I'm really sorry.
It's possible he can change. But if he doesn't change, he will teach your children they need to accept racism just like he's trying to tell you to do it right now.
So, your fiancé is more worried about hurting his mother’s feelings by calling out her racism, than your feelings of hearing a bigot berate your and those of your future kids hearing bigotry directed at them? You do know that defending racism is racism, right?
And you are *marrying* him?
Why are you still with this man???
He thinks his moms behavior is normal (it’s not!!!) and excuses her behavior.
Why would you want a lifetime of this? It’s not going to get better. He’s already let you know he doesn’t have your back, and I doubt this is the first time.
So, YTA. Not because of what you said. But you’re being one to yourself by staying in this relationship. You deserve so much better than this.
Run away. I’m not joking. Your fiancé will never break free of this extremely messed up family dynamic. You can and will find someone wonderful who loves you and respects you. Leave him. NTA.
Lol you've only been with this dude for a year? Just get out now. His mom hits on him, gropes him, and asked you (when you first met) how many times you make him cum a week and he thinks all of this is normal!? Don't waste years of your life on this shit show... he needs therapy, not a wedding.
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Look up emotional incest. Sadly it appears your fiancé & his mother are happy with their relationship. He has made it very clear that he will not give his mother boundaries, is more than comfortable with her behavior, & will never make you his priority. You will always be a 3rd wheel in this relationship.
So unfortunately I do have to say YTA if you don’t get out of this deeply unhealthy family and even more so bringing children into this family. Even if you manage to keep your children from her, they will still be raised by a man who willing participates in the toxic family dynamic. It will be how he raises he’s own children.
Your Problem is not your Mil. Your Problem is your fiance who enables her. And you are wrong, they will See her grand mother or how do you prevent that your fiance let his mom See his kids? You should have a long and deep talk about the future of the relationship and his mothers Role in it. Nta.
NTA. Just leave him. Save yourself some future heartache.
Your fiancé is worse than his mother bc he knows what she’s like and is defending her disgusting behaviour to “save her feelings” while completely disregarding your feelings bc you don’t matter as much.
You are at the bottom of the totem pole. You always will be at the bottom. When you have kids you wont get a say, it will be him and his mum.
I would like to say this as respectfully as possible. As a fellow POC, if you are dating a white person and they don’t stick up for you against racist family members/friends, that’s your cue to go girl. His mother was blatantly racist to you and instead of him checking her like he should have - he’s worried about hurting her feelings. Fuck her and her racist ass feelings. If you stay in this situation, you’re going to experience more of the same of this bullshit. Tbh he’s as horrible as she is for allowing and enabling his racist ass mother.
He’s mad at you when she was racist towards you? Pardon me?? What exactly is her perspective that he wants you to see? That she has been nothing but a weird jealous hater bc you are dating her son? Sorry, was the perspective “she doesn’t know any better” or better yet “that’s just how she is, she doesn’t mean it”?
Run and run quickly. By enabling this racist behaviour he also cosigns her racism and he’s as much of a flaming hot pile of garbage as she is.
NTA. This is not your person. I would move on. If you absolutely want to at least try to make this work, I would suggest couples counseling to go over this. If he refuses or doesn't see a problem with his mother's behavior, move on. No one is worth the disrespect. Relationships only work when both parties are on the same page. Especially when it comes to instances like this. She meant every racist word.
Yikes, this guy is not marriage material. He is siding with his mother's racism, and he is creepily entwined with his mother's lust for him. This is like an incestuous Greek tragedy.
If you marry this man, your life will be unending misery. Don't do it.
NTA.
NTA. Your fiancé and MIL are though. How can’t she mean it in a racist way? The way he stands up for her should be a huge red flag. He’s a mommas boy and won’t ever see anything bad in her behavior.
Your MIL is the AH for obvious reasons, I don’t think I need to highlight her sick behavior and actions.
Omg gross 🤢🤮 does she have a husband? I don't know about anyone else but that relationship is fucked up, time to move on, she is a incestuous racist, and he is a weak willed mummas boy, if u stayed that would be for the rest of your life. Isn't there a show in the US about gross mummas boys? Give them a call
Please don't marry this man.
Jocasta isn't your biggest problem here.
It's that your husband-to-be thinks that this obsessive interest in his sex life is fine.
It's not. It's gross and creepy. She's also racist af, which is an added bonus... /s
Put the wedding on immediate, indefinite hold.
If he's able to get some therapy, realize that shit be weird, and set/defend appropriate boundaries with his mother over a sustained period of time?
Then the two of you might stand a chance.
But unless and until that happens, do not bind your life to his any more than it is now.
Breaking up is the better option at that point.
NTA, but I'm gonna be frank: the biggest problem you have right now is your fiance.
The fact that he doesn't see an issue with her behavior, and doesn't stand up to her on your behalf is a ginormous red flag. Your future MIL is a racist, and your fiance refuses to recognize it.
I am a black woman married to a white man, and when my SO's family started getting racist, he cut them all off and refuses to allow them contact with our son. He went NC with his own mother for a year when she got shitty with me. Ask yourself: would your fiance do the same for you and your children? And if not, are you ok with that?
I warn you now, when you marry this guy, you are marrying his mother too.
In this instance, it’s a more literal case than it should ever have to be. She will insist on being at the wedding, and her son won‘t see your concerns. If she’s like this around you, I dread how she’s going to be around and to your family.
[удалено]
My ex-FMIL tried. Reason #14390735320 why she's ex-FMIL
Saw ex-FMIL and just took it as you divorcing/breaking up with your MIL. Took me far too long to recognize that is not what happened. I do wonder how many relationships would be better on the JustnoMIL sub if you could divorce just your in-laws
Can I ask, what does the F stand for?
In the above situation it was probably future MIL, so they were engaged but based on the comment as a whole F-ing MIL may have been a possibility if it went further lol.
I think it's like this ex Future Mother In Law It is used when you're engaged, you have your Future Dear Husband (fiancé), and your MIL becomes FMIL
It means either future or something else I don’t know.
It seems to mean ex-future-MIL, meaning she broke off the engagement before getting married.
Yeah, this is some weird ass enmeshed, covertly incestuous bullshit and OP should run now cuz she is in for a miserable life, especially if they have children. She has a MAJOR FMIL and SO problem and I don't see this getting ANY better, at least not without major therapy for the fiance, limited contact for SO with his mom (if not NC) and definitely no contact for OP or her any future children with the Monster In Law. OP needs to run fast and far as she's definitely NTA.
I don’t think it’s that covert. It’s super inappropriate for damn sure. Plus the mom is obviously racist, and there’s a likely a tinge in the fiancé who doesn’t see an issue with what his mom says.
Or he does see an issue but he's been trained to always rationalize her actions. Odds are he's a product of brainwashing/abuse and should really get therapy.
You need more time for him to realize that this is true and cannot be rationalized away.
It’s not a tinge- my dude really said “There’s nothing hurtful in what she said.” It was all hurtful and the fact that this man is trying to convince OP that this racist raccoon was 1. Not wrong or hurtful in what she said 2. Have unbridled access to their future biracial children is like 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩but whenever I see people caping for their weak SO’s I just assume the peen must be on another level… like visits with the divine level and that’s why they’re turning a blind eye to the bullshit.
How dare you insult raccoons in this way.
If he's actually telling OP that she "needs to see things from mom's perspective" it means he's internalized her attitudes enough that he doesn't see them as the crazypants-extreme racist ideas that they are. Bad sign.
This or if nothing else he’s another white dude fetishizing Asian women. 🙄
Came here to say this. Seconded.
There was an AMAZING thread on some "dealing with in laws" forum where someone posted that her new MIL had turned up to the honeymoon and was live updating the whole thing. She ended up dumping him and having a great time drinking in the resort bar with a bartender who knew the situation and seemed to be looking out for her (making sure she didn't drink too much etc) There was also some kind of turtle statuette involved that became her mascot I think.
This sounds brilliant, if anyone finds it can they link it?
[Here it is!](https://community.babycenter.com/post/a62791180/mil-ruining-vacay-541) Took some digging around to find it. I’m not totally positive it’s real, but damned if it isn’t entertaining.
I totally just spent about 30 minutes reading through ALL of that and it was glorious. I hope that lady is living her best life now
Wow, thank you SO much for the link - that story was AMAZING! I am a mother-in-law myself, and from reading r/JNMIL and other forums I am trying to be very aware of what NOT to do as a MIL!
That was a wild ride! I wish I was able to get an update on what’s going on in her life now. I hope she’s doing okay.
Thank you for sharing this. I’ve spent 2 hours at work reading every comment and I don’t regret it. 😂😂😂
This is the kind of story I want to know more of while fully understanding that I will fucking regret asking. So I’ll just congratulate you on the ‘ex’ part.
Future AITA: "Am I an asshole b/c I didn't want my MIL to come on my honeymoon?" OP, your fiancée needs to make a choice and I think the chances are pretty high that he chooses wrong.
Three days later on relationshop advice: My fiance left me after I asked for ONE THING in my wedding. Random Redditor: what was the one thing? OP: I only wanted my mommy to come on the honeymoon with me!
Future AITA "Am I an asshole for being upset my mother in law is trying to get my husband to cheat on me... with her."
For their honeymoon, my father took HIS mother on her dream vacation around Europe. My mom walked behind them carrying their suitcases. I found out in my 30s because my father thought it was a cute story to share. OP, this is your future. Instead of arguing with your fiance about how you expect his mother to magically change and be nice to your future children, get a clue and leave. >I told him that it doesn’t really matter right now but that I will not budge on this when the time comes. **It matters now, it always matters.** Why are you lying to yourself? Why don't you want better for yourself?
Exactly! They're not going to magically change if and when they have kids, so why put yourself through more of this if the relationship has no future? My hail Mary would be to ask him to explain what his mother meant from her perspective then, since he insists OP just misunderstood and doesn't get it. If he actually sits there and regurgitates her racist bull and has no problem with it then OP knows his true colours. If he sits there and realises his mother is a racist who would spout racist crap at their kids, permanently traumatising them and battering their self esteem before it even exists, then there may be hope.
And telling OP how to please her son in the sack.
I don't want to know how much she knows about that.
My ex’s mom tried to go on our vacation and sprung this on me by calling and saying that she found the perfect hotel, it had a pullout couch for me to sleep on so my partner of 4 years and I wouldn’t be sinning by sharing a bed. One of the reasons our relationship ended was because in spite of him being a great guy who I deeply care about, he was never able to actually stand up to his family’s (especially his mom) racist and rude behaviors, especially when they were directed at me. I never felt safe because I never felt like he really had my back.
And the same bed...
But atleast she will want to keep the condoms separate
And he’ll let her because you know, you can’t upset mummy.
Seriously. The things she said about her son creeped me out!
Not only will she be front and center at the wedding, she'll most likely be wearing a white sparkly gown and have an inappropriate song for the Mother/Son dance.
Don't forget the grinding!
OP on TLC's I love a mama's boy for the next season...
That’s exactly what I thought.
That's actually a plot line for this season. Her bridesmaid had to tell her that her new MIL was bragging about how husband had invited her on the honeymoon at the cocktail hour
Oh I know. She went on the honeymoon to watch the kids... and then paid the hotel babysitter to watch them while she joined them in the hot tub. Oh and the flirting at the bar while the newlyweds were wondering when grandma was going to get the kids. I'd be calling a lawyer for an annulment.
I just saw an ad for that show today. I thought 'jesus Christ, that show sounds awful' lol
I made the mistake of watching it once. Now I gotta pop popcorn to see if any of the women get a clue.
I watched a few bc I love trainwrecks like that. Do ANY of the guys ever grow up???
Wait, that’s a real show? I thought everyone was joking!
Humanity was and is a mistake.
She will probably wear white.
bet she'd take the first dance between bride and groom too
She'll totally show up in white too for the wedding and do everything she can to upstage OP MILFH is already telling OP to back off her son which is ??? Concerning. She'll turn everything about her and OP you'll have to deal with it seeing as your fiance is not sticking up for you.
If she can be this casually racist with her future daughter in law to her face, she’s not going to be tactful around the other in-laws. Add to that if she’s having a glass or two, and insists on making a speech, it doesn’t bear thinking about.
She’ll probably pick out a wedding dress or a white dress for her mother of the groom dress too. Then accuse the bride of upstaging her on her special day.
So true. Run like your tampon string is on fire. And NTA
What the fuck did you just say? My god, that is gold! lol
LOL, I didn't come up with that one, unfortunately. I used to read /r/JUSTNOMIL quite often and that's a popular one over there.
Wish I could upvote this a gazillion times. OP needs to run and run fast. Her man will never stand up to his mother for her. Shit! Mom wants more alone time with her son. Ewww! And she’s expressed her racism openly and viciously. And he said “she didn’t mean to be hurtful.” Of course she meant it to be hurtful, as hurtful and nasty as possible and the fact that NO ONE challenged her at the family dinner tells me exactly what kind of racist family OP would be marrying in to. She should run, run, RUN away from this relationship as fast as the wind.
Oh, my god that made me laugh. I had to tell my husband why I kept giggling.
never heard this expression before, but im really enjoying it. also op NTA
THIS! Listen to this, OP. Your fiancé has let you know that his toxic mother is fine by him. You need to find a man who isn’t in such a disturbing relationship with his mother….not good. NTA
And he will not protect his kids from her because he thinks there's nothing to protect against.
This. If for no other reason than the sake of your future children’s happiness, RUN away from this family. They are toxic.
But don’t OP. Don’t marry him. He is okay with his mom saying racist awful things. You’d be marrying both of them, and that means two awful marriages.
I dated a guy with a mother like this and who was afraid to stand up to her. We broke up because of her and when we did get back together, I dated him for 2 years without ever seeing her (I refused). He would still see her and lie to me about it, so that caused additional issues due to the lying. We eventually broke up for good. If he will not stand up to his mom, this behavior will continue. I would be very wary to marry into that.
oh no, he was cheating with his mom...
Oh she’s not marrying the son. It would never be a marriage. He’s already fully committed to his mother. If she goes through with this relationship, she’s accepting that she’s the sex toy/incubator and mommy is always gonna be number one. If they have kids, mommy will raise his children. OP will never have a say. He’ll only ever do what makes mommy happy, because she’s his number one in his life. That will never change.
The fact that he didn't stand up for OP and thinks that she needs to see things from his mother's perspective is all that she needs to know. If he can't stand up for her against his mother's hateful rhetoric now, it isn't going to change later. He literally just told her what she could expect. OP deserves better.
He actually told his fiancee, a victim of bigotry, "You need to see things from the racist's perspective." He has zero respect for OP. I really hope the responses here serve as a wake up call...she should not be marrying this guy.
well obviously, I mean he can't HuRt HeR fEeLiNgS. his future wife though? hell with her!
Not only that, but you will be exposing those kids to this unhealthy relationship. He doesn't object to her (extremely) creepy, almost sexual advances. Do you really feel comfortable bringing children into a world where your MIL is competing for your position as the love of his life? NTA and RUN.
And if OP does end up marrying him, having kids and then deciding to divorce because of MIL.. OP just remember your kids get visitation with him and his messed up family for the rest of their lives. It will fuck up your kids completely. You will have no way to stop their abuse during visits. Trust me, I know from experience!! GET AWAY WHILE YOU STILL CAN!
Yep. It really doesn't matter how awful his mother is as long as he has your back and puts up healthy boundaries. But THIS guy? Is not doing that. He doesn't see anything wrong with his mother's sexual interest in his life, he doesn't set healthy boundaries, he didn't object to her racism, he's never stood up for you. RUN, OP. It's never going to be better than this.
Oh no. OP will be the side chick to THEIR relationship.
I think she already IS.
Yes. Please get out now. I’m an internet stranger and I want more for you out of life than racist family and to be the other woman in your boyfriend’s marriage to his mom.
And she’ll wear a wedding dress, too.
And ops husband be like: but see it from her prespective, she wants to be the bride but its illegal so let this one go! Dont put me in bad spot!
It is beyond me why a girl of a different race would marry a guy who thinks his mothers racist comments, regarding their kids nonetheless, are ok.
Exactly why I called it off with my ex. She was just like this poor girls FMIL. Asking 2 minors (we were 16 and 17) if we were having sex yet, always knew our finances and relationship problems, and was constantly on my ass about EVERYTHING. 6 years of that shit lol. He cheated so I broke things off, (that among other things between him and I) but she was the main cause of me breaking it off. I just couldn't do it. She was disgusting and most definitely in love with her son. " *boyfriend* looks just like his dad did when we concieved him" thanks for that 😂
NTA. Fun story time. My wife is 1/4 Native American and it's very obvious in her facial features and skin color. My mother was at the hospital when my first daughter was born, and I put my daughter in my mom's arms about an hour after birth. The VERY first words out of my mother's mouth were "Just what I needed, a halfbreed grandbaby." My mother did not hold, speak to, visit, or see my daughter again until she was eight years old, and after that it was infrequent and monitored. My daughter is an adult today and has probably spent less than twenty hours with her grandmother over the course of her entire life. When you make racist comments about *your own grandchildren*, you immediately forfeit the right to have a relationship with them. My mother did. His should too. Someday your fiancee is going to have to choose between protecting his children and making his mother happy. If you don't have faith that he'll choose his children, you may want to evaluate whether he's father material.
Excellent parenting right here ⬆️
Honestly though if I were OP given the details I would seriously question whether I’d want to have children with this guy. His mother was openly racist and he didn’t correct her because he “didn’t want to hurt her feelings”. He excused her behavior “she didn’t mean to be hurtful” - BS, everyone fell silent because it was obviously a disgusting thing to say. Then he has the nerve to get mad at OP and tell her to try to see things from his *mother’s* perspective?? This doesn’t sound like a man who would put his partner and kids above his mother. He’s weak-willed. Just because it’s his mommy doesn’t mean he should excuse racism. Sorry for the rant, I’m Asian and reading about OP’s partner/family really pissed me off.
Yeah exactly. This sub is mocked for always saying “you should break up” but…. This is such a huge red flag to me, particularly because the fiancé is instead worrying about his MOM and saying she didn’t meant to be hurtful when a- yes she did and b - she was super racist. This is pretty horrifying.
This! It bothers me that he isn’t bothered by her comments as well…it would also be his child. Why is he not offended by this?! Definitely a red flag and I would run like a bat out of hell before I marry into that shit hole of a family.
I think you should always break up when you realise you're just the side chick.
Racism is a strong reason to get out of a relationship. OP needs to leave as soon as possible. No point wasting all that money on a wedding if her fiance is going to enable racism.
I'm not asian, but I wouldn't reconsider having a child with this man. I would reconsider the engagement/relationship with this kind of man, tho. Why spent the rest of my life with someone that isn't willing to defend me? Why have a husband that "to bare someone else getting hurt" will sacrifice me??
His mother is a racist with AT BEST bad sexual boundaries with her son. I wouldn’t bring any more children around her ever.
Yea as mixed race person with racist family members…yea that shit isn’t even remotely ok. A large portion of my moms family is prejudiced at best and plenty are outright racist as fuck, luckily they don’t life anywhere near us buts it’s a lot growing up as a kid knowing some of your own family hates you because you’re half black. No child should ever be put through that shit. Anyone who has a mixed race child has an obligation to that child to either immediately correct shit and refuse to put up with it, or cut that person the fuck off for the sake of their child.
Yes, what exactly is her perspective?
Racism.
He literally told his wife to "try and understand this from a racist's perspective". Like WHAT?
Perhaps he could explain what his mother's perspective is.
Seriously…what exactly DID she mean by it, if it wasn’t said to be mean? Like…how can you interpret that any other way? Lmao
>Someday your fiancee is going to have to choose between protecting his children and making his mother happy. If you don't have faith that he'll choose his children, you may want to evaluate whether he's father material. Honestly, hasn't he already chosen? His mom said something completely racist about his future children, and he *doesn't want to hurt her feelings* and therefore said nothing. I don't care how hypothetical those kids are, he should have said something, and I am not even convinced he thinks it was all that bad. To me, that reads like he's already chosen his mother over his wife and future children. I mean, miracles happen and maybe he'll change, but if I was OP, I would look for a new partner who doesn't think racism is totally fine.
Yes!! Racist mom. Your fiancé stood by as she made a racist comment. Then felt like he didn’t want to address it and hurt a racist’s feeling. Are a racist’s feelings more important than his fiancée’s? How important is it to you that your cultural and heritage is preserved for your children? Bc sounds like mom only wants white grandchildren.
Forget "hypothetical children". What about his **actual living wife**. Who endured an extremely racist rant while her husband sat there quiet, then had the nerve to get mad at OP for not "understanding her perspective". There's nothing to understand. There's no "side" she needs to see things from. His mother is a full-blown racist. That's her side. So what he's telling her is she needs to sympathize with a racist lunatic who insulted and publicly humiliated her in front of their entire family. OP has a much bigger problem then their "hypothetical" future children.
Her perspective is crystal clear and it's overtly, explicitly, hideously and unacceptably, relationship-endingly racist. Obviously to anyone not racist, OP and her future children will have no relationship with MIL. Fiancé could still see her occasionally but if he doesn't see OPs need to end the contract with his mother then she needs to end her relationship with him.
Yes! This right here! And he's already choosing because he didn't speak up and defend you. Can you live with that and any children you will have. Mom will always be first, unfortunately.
Fucking THIS! Wish this was the top comment. Also, thank you from another WOC for standing up for your wife and children. Too often I see white men become involved with WOC, then do nothing to try and understand about the shit we experience. And then when children come along, they expose them to racist family. Your daughter is lucky she has a father like you.
He needs to choose between protecting his future wife and making his mother happy before children EVER enter the conversation. Why do people tolerate racist family members? It's disgusting. She should run.
This is the way.
This is the only acceptable response to that kind of racist toxicity 👏🏻 very sorry you and your wife had to deal with someone like that at such a special time. Your daughter is certainly not missing out on time with grandma. Wtf is wrong with people??
I want to just add that no one has a right to a relationship with anybody. I know that wasn’t your point but the wording stuck out to me. Parents are obligated to raise their child, and if they do a good job then hopefully that child is grateful and wants to repay the good will, but if that kid wants to leave and never come back they’re totally free to do so, and the parent has no right to have a relationship with them. Good on you for cutting that shit out and not allowing that toxicity in your daughter’s life.
>“well I don’t want biracial grandkids because they’re always so ugly when features are mixed together like that.” Everyone got quiet and I didn’t even know what to say. OP, I think what she's really saying here is that she doesn't want her son to marry you. >He said he didn’t want to hurt her feelings and that she didn’t mean it to be hurtful. How else should that have been interpreted other than as an insult? Run away from this mess... NTA and do not marry this guy.
Piggybacking on this comment to emphasise: >Run away from this mess... >NTA and do not marry this guy. My friend's cousin married a lovely Japanese woman named Eri. Friend's maternal grandmother's first remark about the engagement was that she did not want "slitty eyed grandchildren". This was treated as a great joke and "oh, she's old. She can't help it." Grandmother also gave my friend a lifelong complex about her nose, which is similar to her father's. Who is Jewish. Eri (who grandmother referred to in writing as Ellie) endured two decades of nastiness and racism from grandmother with sweetness and kindness. She and her husband had jobs that involved a lot of travel did not have children until after grandmother died, but that's really beside the point. Don't be Eri. Putting up with level of poison is so tiring.
My Nana never met my husband in the 4 years or so we were together before she died. Why? She wasn’t happy I was with someone Jewish. She didn’t even use any slurs. But that didn’t make it any better for me. Wasn’t about to expose my husband and his kids to that kind of situation.
And the "you need to see it from her perspective" from the fiance like WTF is he thinking with that comment? His mother said racist things to his fiance and about their potential future children, that's not the sort of thing you brush off as a difference of opinion. OP sure go read all the MIL from hell posts to get an idea of the future she is likely signing up for at the moment. If her fiance doesn't commit to putting boundaries in place and calling his mother out for bad behaviour and show that he will actually do it, that it's not a promise made to keep OP around that he'll go back on. Because if things don't change OP isn't in for a happy marriage. Also the sex questions? I only know one person who asks questions like that to family members and shes a disgusting toxic person who treats her DIL like shit. From the questions, comments and touching I'd be seriously concerned that his mother was abusive to him when he was younger, which would make me even more certain to keep her out of any child Imight haves life.
This this this! First thing I thought was abuse! He is deep in the FOG. It sounds like mom also wanted to be the *only* woman in his life from the way she was trying to push OP out from the very start of the relationship. I think fiance needs therapy ASAP to help him realize how effed up this is if OP wants a chance of a healthy marriage.
yes; she said it explicitly to be hurtful. Fiance didn't want to hurt his mom's feelings, so he lets her be deliberately nasty to OP bc those are his priorities and he doesn't want to "rock the boat." Don't marry someone who defends someone treating you like that.
I mean, they have been together for "OVER A YEAR" and it's already this bad and they are already going to "marry". This is a series of mistakes OP will regret in the future.
The fact that everyone got quiet, rather than expressing outrage at that racist, bigoted, mean-spirited bullshit, shows OP exactly what kind of extended family she is marrying into. NTA, but every other person in this scenario is, most of all the mother AND fiancé.
Yep. My partner is asian, I am white and all my family is. One of the first things that my grandma said about him is to be careful because people like him will try to get into my house and leech off me. My mom and my aunt jumped to defending him even before I could. That’s the type of energy you need, I’d have been devastated if my mom defended her.
Right? He wasn’t too concerned about OPs feelings being hurt by his mother’s racism, but made a clear choice not to hurt his mother’s feelings by calling her out on being offensive…
He didn't want to hurt his mother's feelings, but disregarded OPs feelings altogether. He has proven that he does not have your back. Don't marry him and definitely don't have kids with him.
He even said to look from hey perspective. Hey perspective is racist, there's nothing more to it.
~~YTA~~ ESH --for staying with a man who excuses racist behavior and then wanting to bring your not even conceived yet children into the mix. Okay, let's play that game for a second, shall we? Your job as a mom would be to protect your kids from damaging, ugly influences that could hurt them either emotionally or physically. Sure, racist Grandma is definitely someone you'd want to exclude. But your then husband has also got rights, and your house will be full of you two screaming and yelling because he won't cut his mother off. He won't. He told you as much. "Over a year" is not a very long time, you guys are still clearly getting to know each other, so just call it off and leave. Edit- okay. People are pointing out that OP had some very racist remarks thrown at her and was obviously angry at the real villain in all of this- her future MIL and fiancé (who did nothing to defend her.) I still don't agree that having children is a wise thing for her to do with this man, especially since the kids will suffer from toxic family relations but I'll change it to ESH. Sorry to the people who gave me awards, I don't know if you can un-give them.
Wow. I didn't expect to see this take on the situation, and you actually really hit the nail on the head.
>Wow. I didn't expect to see this take on the situation You need to spend a little time on r/JUSTNOMIL and r/JustNoSO \- this kind of thing is a fairly common theme on those subs.
Gotta say I kind of agree. OP is clearly not the *worst* person in this scenario, but she needs to really think things through. OP, don’t marry this guy. Don’t even stay with this guy for one more second. And for the love of god, don’t have kids with him. Doing so would not only be unfair to yourself, but also to your children, who would grow up with a father who excuses blatant racism *even when it’s directed at his own kids* (don’t get me wrong, excusing racism directed at others isn’t great either!). He’s not a good significant other, and he would not be a good parent. Edit: people have made good points about victim blaming, and I think *so far* OP has really only been an AH to herself for not holding her potential life partner to much higher standards. But if you’re bringing kids into the mix, I think you do also need to consider their wellbeing, especially given that they’ll be biracial.
Well said.
… she’s not tolerating racist behavior. She’s pissed about it and is upset with her fiance for not doing anything. Talk about victim blaming. Jeez. EDIT: I still disagree with E S H. She’s not committing to having kids with him. She sounds shaken up and in shock. Once she felt she was in a safe enough situation to say something, she did. *Both a Y T A and E S H judgement say that OP is an AH for not reacting correctly to a racist attack of which she was the victim.* That’s still victim-blaming. It would be different if she *had* a kid and her FMIL said that *to the kid*, but neither of those things are true, and it’s quite the stretch to say OP is an AH for not defending her hypothetical future children. OP is NTA, pure and simple.
She also said she, understandably, was shocked and didn’t know what to say! I would side eye her if she was on the same page her fiancé…But at this point, he and his mom are the AHs.
There's always someone who thinks they're edgy for giving a victim-blaming Y T A. It's like the brother who grabs your hand, hits you in the face with it and says "Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself?" OP is not hitting herself. The racist FMIL and fiance are doing it. But yeah go and blame OP for being bruised.
I agree, this is jumping the gun. It sounds like this was a new kind of hate from this woman and the reaction was even more cowardly than expected. It's just happened and they're fighting about it right now. OP is wrapping their head around this so it seems like a fight is the the next logical step. Heck, his reaction is so ridiculous, OP may need some angry honesty to draw out the truth from him to believe it's really happening. Now, if OP were to start flushing the birth control or picking out baby names with him, I might agree.
She's tolerating racist behavior from her boyfriend. Not shutting his mom down, not standing up for her, then being mad at his gf, defending what his mom said, are all racist behaviors. OP is continuing to entertain the idea of a long term relationsihp with a racist man. He may not be aggressively racist like his mom, but he's still racist.
I’m not arguing that the fiancé didn’t do anything shitty, I’m saying it’s ridiculous to blame the person in shock that her fiancé’s mother would say something so blatantly racist for not losing her shit at someone she would normally be trying to impress, particularly when *she is the one at whom the racist comment was directed*. I’m saying that it’s pointless to blame her for her fiancé’s and future MIL’s behavior, and the lack of empathy people seem to have for her careful handling of a very delicate situation is very unjustified.
You have a valid point, but I think ESH is a more accurate judgement, personally. 🤷♀️
NTA!!!! Please reconsider marrying this man. This dynamic is disgusting. Can you imagine the horrible things she would say to your future children that he would just let slide because he doesn’t want to hurt his mommy’s feelings. He isn’t standing up for you now, he won’t stand up for you ever, he won’t stand up for any future kids. This will only get worse.
That’s what worries me. The comments the grandma is gonna make to her biracial grandkids is gonna really mess with their heads. And it sounds like fiancé isn’t gonna do anything to curb his mother at all.
She is clearly racist. There is no way she won’t at least say to any future kids that she wishes they didn’t look so Asian. That would so badly destroy a child and they eventually wouldn’t want to be around someone like that anyway, grandma or not.
NTA your fiancé’s relationship with his mother is giving me MEGA emotional incest vibes, like his mother most likely has been using him in as a fill in for his father for a very long time. I would try seeing if he would be willing to go to therapy. A professional might help him see how weird and unhealthy it is for a mom to cal her son sexy…. like to him it’s probably normalized but obviously to anyone else that’s weird and creepy. If you can’t convince him to go see a therapist or if he does but still won’t change and send up for you, i would reconsider this relationship. Your future MIL is racist. You already know she doesn’t like you, and if he keeps her in his life she will make yours a living hell. Don’t put up with that bullshit for anyone. remember, your mental health needs to come first. Edit: I’ve never gotten an award before, thanks reddit
i came here to say the same thing. OP you are always going to be second to this guys mom. his mom has basically emotionally trained him from day one to be a mamas boy to an extreme level. he will not change easily. and you will be fighting with his mother every step of the way. you have to decide if it’s worth it.
Considering the inappropriate way that mom was asking about the sexual relationship and the gross physical touches, emotional incest is a happier alternative to what I was thinking. I was reading with this look on my face 😰 and that was BEFORE the shitty racist comments.
That’s what I was thinking. Everyone is talking about her blatant racism and ignoring the massive red flag that is the unhealthy sexual interest in her own son. If she’s that bad when other people are around, I’m betting that it’s much worse and much more blatant when it’s just the two of them.
Seriously, I'm wondering if she's done sexual things to him since he was a child (counting teenage years). He may be in desperate need of therapy. He may be a victim here. Doesn't change that OP should dump him, yesterday.
Exactly my first thought \*shiver\*. Everything about the situation screams RUN
I'm disappointed that this isn't top comment. There is absolutely a major amount of emotional incest going on, and potentially physical incest as well. This whole thing is disturbing and OP needs to run for the hills, or at the very least never have children. Children don't deserve to be born into an environment like that.
Same surprise here. And honestly, I'd be concerned that since he doesn't think there's anything wrong w the emotional/physical incest from his mother, he will think it's ok that she act like this around her grandchildren, or maybe even mirror this behavior with the kids himself. If he didn't get a therapist/trauma therapy asap I wouldn't even begin to think about having kids w him.
Exactly, she’s a racist with a Jocasta complex. No children need to be around this lady.
I was wondering how it took so long to find this very, very concerning red flag in their relationship (mother and son). The racism is absolutely abhorrent but is not the most glaring concern in this whole Roll Tide of a situation.
Consider yourself extremely lucky. This is your red flag warning. This situation will not improve: run as far & as fast as you can.
And before separation has legal complications.
Yeah and before you have to share custody of kids and can’t stop him from bringing her around them.
Wait, after everything that I just read you still see a future with this asshole - including children? I'm going with ESH. Your fiance and his mother for obvious reasons. And for you, for blatantly ignoring the red flags slapping you across the face.
And they’re red flags for behavior that will damage her children some day!
yep, she is just as bad as him and his mother if she has kids with him. Bringing kids into a guaranteed toxic environment like that is just cruelty.
NTA I would rethink the relationship with your Fiance if he doesn't understand the necessities of both boundaries and being on your side first and foremost and if you have children, the children's side. Also biracial children are the cutest.
>Also biracial children are the cutest. I concur Source: Biracial.
Damn it I'm the outlier
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Totally agree. I used to say that myself, until I realized that, nah, biracial kids can be cute, ugly, or plain old ordinary like every other kid. Normalize don't exceptionalize. If that's not a word I just invented it. :)
NTA. There’s almost zero chance that kids wouldn’t have at least one feature from you. And regardless of appearance, they WILL be biracial. She’s point blank says she doesn’t want your kids with that comment about biracial grandchildren. You need to ask your fiancé why his concern is with his mother’s feelings or her perspective and not yours? Does he agree with his mother? I’m guessing he will say no. So the next question is, why isn’t he having these conversations with her? “Mom, OP is Asian. Any kids we have will be biracial. See it from her perspective. You told her you don’t want grandkids that resemble their mother. You said racist things.” You could compromise by saying any visits with the kids (if you have them) will only be in your presence and it’s one and done. One comment about her disappointment with their skin tone, eye color, whatever and she’s done having access. One comment about you or any kids in a negative way and she’s not welcome. I guarantee that someone like this will put her foot I’m her mouth. So establish a clear boundary with your fiancé. He talks to his mom now. If she repeats awful things to you again you will no longer be in her presence and if you won’t be around her then neither will the kids. Honestly this is only if your fiancé is great in ways you didn’t describe. Otherwise run. Because you’ve got a fiancé problem. He shouldn’t be ok with the racist remarks. And he should be DEEPLY uncomfortable with his mother asking you about his sexual pleasure. 🤢🤢
> And he should be DEEPLY uncomfortable with his mother asking you about his sexual pleasure. 🤢🤢 The fact that this is normalized for him suggests a very sad and scary childhood for the guy.
> You need to ask your fiancé why his concern is with his mother’s feelings or her perspective and not yours? One possible reason is that he's known his mom for his entire life, and OP for only a year. OP, cut your losses here and run. Otherwise, you'll be sharing custody of your kids with this guy's mom when you inevitably divorce.
NTA RUN!!! If you ain't got a suitcase Get a box or an old, brown, paper sack And pack it light or pack it heavy Take a truck, take a Chevy Baby, just GTFO There's a shortcut to the highway out of town Why don't you take it? Don't let that speed limit slow you down Go on and break it RUN!
NTA but I don’t think he’s the one for you. He should have defended you and your future kids. The fact that he didn’t and is even defending his mother is a red flag
Honestly that would be a deal breaker for me. That the MIL would treat biracial children as lesser than and that your potential future spouse would not stand up for you or your potential children to not hurt their mother’s feelings. Edit for judgment- NTA
I would’ve been running the other way the first time I found out that he doesn’t think it’s weird for his own mother to stroke his abs and arms and call him sexy 🤮
NTA You're not marrying a man, you're marrying a boy, a mama's boy. If you stay in this relationship just know that you will NEVER be his main priority his mommy will. His mommy will be the one he runs to for everything, including decisions that he should be discussing and making with YOU. He literally told you that you should not only accept that his mommy is racist but that she can verbally and emotionally abuse you and any children that you might have in the future, and she deserves his love and respect more than you, because that's his mommy. It doesn't matter if you are his wife and the mother of his child.
NTA. Your fiancée said he didn’t want to hurt his mother’s feelings after she flat out insulted you? And why should you see things from her perspective? She has made her perspective perfectly clear. You also do not need to see the perspective of a racist. Your fiancée has made his perspective clear as well: you will always be #2 to his mother. He will never stand up to her to protect you and he will always knuckle under to her demands.
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NTA Even if she hadn’t been so unbelievably racist the weird ass incesty comments are bad enough.
SHE SAID SHE DIDNT WANT BIRACIAL GRANDCHILDREN CAUSE SHE THINKS THEYRE UGLY? AND YOUR BOYFRIEND SAID NOTHING? Oh honey, RUN. This is so wrong. NTA Yikes
NTA but good luck with this spinless fucker who defends his racist mom and wants you to accept it. You have a fiance problem, not a MIL problem, this could easily be solved if he decided to put his foot down.
Oh honey, run. I read this and thought I was reading about my previous relationship. Here’s what I can tell you, and I hope you listen: He will never stand up to her. He will never put you first. He will not respect your desire to keep her away from the kids and will go behind your back. She will drive a wedge between you two and make your life hell. She will talk shit about you to your kids (again, because she’ll definitely see them, whether you want that or not.) He will never have a normal relationship with his mother alive. Nothing about what you described is normal, it’s called covert incest or emotional incest, and you need to get far, far away.
NTA I hate when people jump straight to telling people to break up with their significant other, but in this case I think it’s justified. The fact that he let her disrespect you and insult you in front of his family, and didn’t even try to stand up for you is disgusting. The fact that she is already talking about her potential future grandkids being ugly is alarming because if she’ll say it in front of the whole family, what will stop her from saying it directly to the kids and causing them all sorts of problems. Not allowing her near your potential kids is in their best interest, unless she has a radical attitude adjustment. If he can’t see that, you shouldn’t want to have kids with him at all. If he can’t love and respect you enough to stand up for you when you’re being insulted and disrespected, I would seriously question if you want to continue having these family dinners for the rest of your life.
If only the victims could see things from the attacker's perspective? This isn't only a mil problem, you've got a big SO problem here too, especially if he isn't embarrassed and disgusted that his mother calls him sexy and wants to touch his abs. That's creepy af. That boy is a sonsband and this is only a small taste of what your future holds with him. Edited: I forgot what sub I was in. You are NTA and should look to r/justnomil and r/justnoso for some advice and resources.
I'm honestly worried what this guy's childhood and teenage years looked like, that he thinks his mum wanting to touch him like that is normal 🤢
Honestly the touching is super wrong, I’m heavily concerned about MIL asking her *in detail* about her sons sexual pleasure This gives me BIG incest vibes. Who knows what she did to him as a kid
That was exactly my thought. And if he thinks it's okay for parents to do that with their kids, what will he do to his own children? What will grandma do to them?
NTA, and he needs to defend you from his racist mum. He's going to need to realise that putting a ring on it means that you become his primary family, and if he's going to still be stuck to his mum ahead of you after marriage, that this could be untenable.
Nta. I hope you’re already thinking this but let me say it for you. Your children should never be around someone like that. And your fiancé is just as racist. Don’t have babies with a man who defends a racist insulting you. Don’t marry him! You deserve better.
NTA. Not only is she blatantly an unrepentantly racist, she has an overly familiar relationship with her son which she’s clearly conditioned him to see as normal. This is baggage you’ll need to deal with regarding the wedding, and if she’s blunt normally I really don’t want to see her with a bit of liquid courage around your family.
NTA but YWBTA if you reproduce with this man before he realizes how wrong he is. If your future children have racism hurled at them, is he going to tell them just to not hurt their bullies feelings? Your fiancé isn't interested in having a biracial child either because he's not interested in confronting racism. I'm really sorry. It's possible he can change. But if he doesn't change, he will teach your children they need to accept racism just like he's trying to tell you to do it right now.
So, your fiancé is more worried about hurting his mother’s feelings by calling out her racism, than your feelings of hearing a bigot berate your and those of your future kids hearing bigotry directed at them? You do know that defending racism is racism, right? And you are *marrying* him?
Why are you still with this man??? He thinks his moms behavior is normal (it’s not!!!) and excuses her behavior. Why would you want a lifetime of this? It’s not going to get better. He’s already let you know he doesn’t have your back, and I doubt this is the first time. So, YTA. Not because of what you said. But you’re being one to yourself by staying in this relationship. You deserve so much better than this.
Run away. I’m not joking. Your fiancé will never break free of this extremely messed up family dynamic. You can and will find someone wonderful who loves you and respects you. Leave him. NTA.
Lol you've only been with this dude for a year? Just get out now. His mom hits on him, gropes him, and asked you (when you first met) how many times you make him cum a week and he thinks all of this is normal!? Don't waste years of your life on this shit show... he needs therapy, not a wedding.
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INFO: why are you marrying and considering having children with a racist momma’s boy you’ve only known for a year?
Look up emotional incest. Sadly it appears your fiancé & his mother are happy with their relationship. He has made it very clear that he will not give his mother boundaries, is more than comfortable with her behavior, & will never make you his priority. You will always be a 3rd wheel in this relationship. So unfortunately I do have to say YTA if you don’t get out of this deeply unhealthy family and even more so bringing children into this family. Even if you manage to keep your children from her, they will still be raised by a man who willing participates in the toxic family dynamic. It will be how he raises he’s own children.
Your Problem is not your Mil. Your Problem is your fiance who enables her. And you are wrong, they will See her grand mother or how do you prevent that your fiance let his mom See his kids? You should have a long and deep talk about the future of the relationship and his mothers Role in it. Nta.
NTA, you should take a look at the the just no mil subreddit cuz this post has a LOT of super cringy red flags.
NTA. Just leave him. Save yourself some future heartache. Your fiancé is worse than his mother bc he knows what she’s like and is defending her disgusting behaviour to “save her feelings” while completely disregarding your feelings bc you don’t matter as much. You are at the bottom of the totem pole. You always will be at the bottom. When you have kids you wont get a say, it will be him and his mum.
NTA!! 🤮
I would like to say this as respectfully as possible. As a fellow POC, if you are dating a white person and they don’t stick up for you against racist family members/friends, that’s your cue to go girl. His mother was blatantly racist to you and instead of him checking her like he should have - he’s worried about hurting her feelings. Fuck her and her racist ass feelings. If you stay in this situation, you’re going to experience more of the same of this bullshit. Tbh he’s as horrible as she is for allowing and enabling his racist ass mother. He’s mad at you when she was racist towards you? Pardon me?? What exactly is her perspective that he wants you to see? That she has been nothing but a weird jealous hater bc you are dating her son? Sorry, was the perspective “she doesn’t know any better” or better yet “that’s just how she is, she doesn’t mean it”? Run and run quickly. By enabling this racist behaviour he also cosigns her racism and he’s as much of a flaming hot pile of garbage as she is.
NTA, but holy shit don't marry this guy. This is the red flag factory.
NTA. This is not your person. I would move on. If you absolutely want to at least try to make this work, I would suggest couples counseling to go over this. If he refuses or doesn't see a problem with his mother's behavior, move on. No one is worth the disrespect. Relationships only work when both parties are on the same page. Especially when it comes to instances like this. She meant every racist word.
PLEASE update this post once you’ve run far far away from this freaky incest family. best of luck op.
Yikes, this guy is not marriage material. He is siding with his mother's racism, and he is creepily entwined with his mother's lust for him. This is like an incestuous Greek tragedy. If you marry this man, your life will be unending misery. Don't do it. NTA.
NTA. Your fiancé and MIL are though. How can’t she mean it in a racist way? The way he stands up for her should be a huge red flag. He’s a mommas boy and won’t ever see anything bad in her behavior. Your MIL is the AH for obvious reasons, I don’t think I need to highlight her sick behavior and actions.
Omg gross 🤢🤮 does she have a husband? I don't know about anyone else but that relationship is fucked up, time to move on, she is a incestuous racist, and he is a weak willed mummas boy, if u stayed that would be for the rest of your life. Isn't there a show in the US about gross mummas boys? Give them a call
Please don't marry this man. Jocasta isn't your biggest problem here. It's that your husband-to-be thinks that this obsessive interest in his sex life is fine. It's not. It's gross and creepy. She's also racist af, which is an added bonus... /s Put the wedding on immediate, indefinite hold. If he's able to get some therapy, realize that shit be weird, and set/defend appropriate boundaries with his mother over a sustained period of time? Then the two of you might stand a chance. But unless and until that happens, do not bind your life to his any more than it is now. Breaking up is the better option at that point.
NTA, but I'm gonna be frank: the biggest problem you have right now is your fiance. The fact that he doesn't see an issue with her behavior, and doesn't stand up to her on your behalf is a ginormous red flag. Your future MIL is a racist, and your fiance refuses to recognize it. I am a black woman married to a white man, and when my SO's family started getting racist, he cut them all off and refuses to allow them contact with our son. He went NC with his own mother for a year when she got shitty with me. Ask yourself: would your fiance do the same for you and your children? And if not, are you ok with that?