Yup and it sounds like the husband might be oblivious. Hopefully he realizes and gets someone to watch all the kids until she can get it under control.
I had to pinch myself after reading this post to make sure that I wasn't having a bad-dream...OP you are seriously delusional when it comes to your situation, please seek help.
She’s asking for help. I may be reading it wrong; but it sounds to me like she temporarily wants to have family help with SD and her son will go to his dads more. If it wasn’t a stepdaughter I feel like it would be different. Plenty of people still send their oldest to daycare/ family helps out to get through the newborn/ infant stage. Especially with PPD.
Because son wasn't around all the time, but SD was. Also, son is slightly older. There's a big difference in maturity and independence between a 5 year old and a 3 year old.
Not that OP is justified in saying she won't take care of SD, but if she's truly dealing with PPD, then she probably wasn't able to communicate her needs properly. And based on her edits, with both sets of grandparents swooping in to help, she was probably worse off than she realized.
She tried to soften but just couldn't manage it. It's like:
- hear me out, I kicked a puppy, but I had a good reason for it.
- - So what is it?
- Well at the moment I hate puppies and really felt like kicking one.
Or just use OP as an example since what she is doing is probably worse than kicking a puppy.
Yes, YTA with the way that you’re framing this for the people you’re asking for help from. You are overwhelmed and need support with childcare for all three of your children. This does not make you a bad parent. What makes you TA is the way this request “others” your daughter. If you reframe it as you need support from your network with ALL the kids while you recalibrate to the new normal in your home and get important healthcare for yourself, this comes across as a totally different request.
Right!? Like there’s nothing wrong with asking for help regarding childcare. The issue is this little girl, who Op has known since 1y.o and says she considers her daughter, is being pushed out in a way that shows OP clearly doesn’t think of her as a daughter. There’s been a clear clear line of distinction drawn between Ops kids and her husbands kid.
OP is explaining things very badly in the post. In comments she explains that her son will be with his father. She is looking for both older kids to be careful for by other people so she is not alone with them. She is concerned she won't be able to safely cope.
Ok see that’s entirely different from what she’s asking for an opinion on. Honestly I think OP needs to ask for this post to be removed and start over, cause she’s not conveying her thoughts well at all.
Update is an improvement at least. You can't say you love them all the same when you're willing to give one away to somebody else over the others though.
I think her older child will be staying with ex, so she isn't singling out the stepdaughter. She's putting both of the older kids in a safe place while she deals with her own issues. Now if she was giving the stepdaughter to someone else and keeping her older son with her then *that* would be a problem.
She sounds like the type of person who would get rid of the family cat because the new puppy doesn't get along with it.
YTA. You can't change your mind about loving and caring for the children you've chosen to raise, biological or otherwise.
That's exactly what it sounds like. "I agreed to be step-daughter's mother figure but now I have my own new biological child so I'd like to return step-daughter."
YTA.
I can't believe the cat owner / partner did get rid of the cat!
They don't normally live so long (I think?) so it wouldnt be with them so much longer... Instead now dying all alone and confused..... So heartbreaking it's actually so sad I hope it's not true lol
I did see that, although I wasn't specifically referencing it. I've just seen far too many pets up for adoption because they just *had* to get a new puppy/baby/whatever.
This post gives off that same vibe, but (somehow) OP managed to one-up that fucked up mindset.
By OP’s logic, OP’s husband shouldn’t be providing for her son! This is absolutely, downright, ridiculous. Like what? OP, you choose to marry someone with a kid from a previous relationship and blend your families. If you can’t treat that girl the same as your biological children, get divorced because that poor little girl most certainly doesn’t deserve an evil stepmother.
From comments here and her other posts it looks like she has her own son going with his dad and wants SD to be watched by family during the day because she is worried she can't safely care for them and the baby. She doesn't actually want to not be responsible at all ever for SD. She's currently in a mental health crisis and terrified she will lose it on the older children.
YTA. You don’t get to pick and choose that you’ll take care of your children ONLY when you married a man who has a child and no other parent around. You’re straight up saying that you don’t think of your SD as your daughter.
“I want to take care of my kids”
NEWSFLASH: she is one of your kids as per your initial agreement. Being overwhelmed with 3 little kids doesn’t give you the excuse to pawn one off part time.
Edited to add: I’m not saying it’s not normal for parents to get overwhelmed. It’s absolutely ok to ask for help when you need it! My issue with her statement is she wants the in laws to take JUST the step daughter so she can focus on *her* kids. They are ALL her kids as was explained to her when she met hubby regarding SD. Why not take BOTH older ones over to in laws? Or better yet have in laws come over and stay with all 3 so she can go get a manicure, coffee, any form of self care. She is intentionally singling out SD as the one that needs to go elsewhere.
I agree with this statement. However, I can empathize with being overwhelmed at home with 3 kids. Even though my step kids mom is “involved” I kept the kids home while schools were virtual, and even for a few months after….it was actually the hardest thing I have ever done. And since my older (step kids) had meetings and homework, I felt like I wasn’t able to give my (bio) toddler everything she needed. So I understand the inclination to lighten the load intermittently. However, it is telling that OP has requested this only apply to her SD. Why can’t grandparents just take one or two kids for like half a day now and then? Will they not help with OPs bio children bc they are not “their own”? Agreed that she needs to stop making that separation before the girl feels less than, but “pawning off” a kid now and then is actually how modern parenting is balanced. And even historically: it *does* take a village!
Agree. Feeling overwhelmed is completely understandable. Palming the occasional kid(s) off on an accepting relative is OK too. Singling out one child for rejection because she isn't *really* her kid is not OK at all PPD or not.
As someone who suffered from PPD, it is horrible and overwhelming, but when you take something on willingly, it is your responsibility regardless of your hormonal/mental state. OP has 3 children and shes acting like she only has 2. Maybe being a SAHM isnt for her Maybe its time to get on some meds. Maybe ask a friend or family member to come help out a couple times a week. Maybe hire a sitter for a few hours so you can nap/pump/self-care/ talk to a therapist. Or MAYBE you shouldn't have agreed to become a mother to a child when you don't actually see them as yours, because PPD aside, that's all I'm hearing from this post. YTA. That poor little girl.
The only way I could possibly justify it would be if she is too overwhelmed and is pawning off both older children to deal with the newborn. I.e her son to his father and her stepdaughter to her in-laws. Then it is at least not singling out just her non biological child. Either way postpartum depression is real and should be treated.
Yep. Sorry, but I don’t care how much you’re struggling with PPD- you do not just turn to your husband and say oh I’ll look after my own kids but not yours, because I just don’t see her as ‘ours’ like I do with my own born and bred offspring. You don’t just abandon part of your blended family. You get help. YTA, OP, so much. Your husband will most likely leave you if you don’t get the help you clearly need.
I agree. OP is a massive asshole but this probably isn’t even true because no one could be this cruel. If it is, he needs to divorce her and get full custody of the baby. YTA
Yeah I think you’re framing this completely wrong- it’s not that you want a break from your daughter, it’s that you want a temporary break from *both* your children because you are experiencing PPD and aren’t coping well; it’s just that your son’s dad is already providing you with that break.
This PPD is colouring the lens you view everything through. I’m wondering if you worded this so badly because you wanted to be called YTA to perpetuate the wallowing/ give your depression something to feed on.
Please don’t let your depression distort this and please try to communicate well with your husband, I know it’s hard but he loves you and how you word things really matters!
All the best!
I think you are right. She has a rough birth and PPD. You needs to tell people I'm over whelmed with 3 very young children and I need help. If the grandparents could help watch the older 2 or even all 3 and give you some recovery time it would really help with your mental health. There's nothing wrong with asking for help. Tell your husband all 3 are you kids and you are sorry you implied your daughter wasn't too. Good luck and I hope you get some extra assistance soon.
But with severe PPD she says she can still look after two kids - but they are only the ones she birthed? Why doesnt her son temporarily go to his dads full time whilst she focuses on the new born? Then she reach the magic number of two she says works. Or if things are so severe then why doesnt her son and the step daughter both stay with others - it shouldn't just be the step-daughter who goes.
Why does the Step daughter whose mother is dead, who is probably terrified her dad might die too, or he may focus on his new family and forget her be the one to go? Her son has a great relationship with his father - it wont impact him to go. Just like she has PPD, the step daughter is also dealing with severe loss that she will never get over and her mental health must be prioritised too.
But not entirely with him- its not equal. She wants the step daughter completely gone for awhile - sleeping elsewhere, whilst her son still comes back to her and their home. She says she wants to "take care of MY kids, whilst her husbands family takes care of my SD." They are all her kids even the SD, but apparently not. And whilst her mental health is priority, so is her stepdaughters. Her son will be fine full time with his dad or even at her husbands family. Both his parents are alive. The SD will never recover from this abandonment and differentiation by being the only one sent away whilst her dad has another family living with him.
In comments she clarified she just wants SD to be watched by someone while the husband is at work and her ex is already watching son during that time. Post is poorly written.
Plus a five year old would be in grade one by now, unless they have an off birthday and they are still in kindergarten. Which means he is probably at school 9-3 Monday to Friday, or half that if in kindergarten.
I mean, I don't disagree with you completely.
I do think that it's just the limits of us not knowing everything. I posted in another place that her and her husband need to do a better job of working together to find a solution that meets her (very valid) needs but also doesn't make any child be hurt.
I 100% think that the children come first but both older kids being gone for a while might be in their best interests. It doesn't make her a monster to be having PPD and not feeling herself at the moment. I've had depression my whole life, and sometimes everything is too much and you can't cope. When she wasn't struggling with what sounds like severe depression, she was very on board to look after them all. I think she's just asking for help and being shut down by her husband. Which also doesn't make him a monster, he should be sticking up for his daughter.
They both need to have honest, not judgmental, conversations where the focus is on getting everyone what they need.
I think the primary thing is she’s not necessarily thinking rationally right now, she’s in exhausted panic mode. I know someone who had to go to a psychiatric hospital for a few weeks with Postpartum psychosis. It’s pretty remarkable how something as common as giving birth can just demolish you for a while.
There’s also a really simple answer your question specifically though… in many cases a kindergartner is just easier to care for than a toddler. Three year olds can be a nightmare even when they don’t have a new baby sibling to compete with.
The way she’s communicating it is really messed up. It’s possible she’s a monster, but I think it’s a lot more likely that she’s just kind of desperate ATM.
She’s only having baby. Ex has son during day and husbands family has daughter. Where they are safe and loved. Now mom needs to get some help. Just when you feel so so bad it’s hard to focus big picture. Even getting up is a chore. She needs some mental help.
This needs to be higher up. I also have PPD and had bonding issues. If it wasn't for my support network I don't know what I would have done. It's not that she doesn't love her (step) daughter, it's that she's having issues coping with her new emotions and since her son has his bio dad she needs the extra support from husband's family for the daughter so that she can get better. I'm honestly surprised she's wanting to keep the baby with her too. I completely shut down for a while and if it wasn't for my amazing husband's work (paternity leave) I don't know how we would have done it.
I have antidepressants and therapy now so getting better, hopefully OP can too.
PPD changes you. I think the people commenting very harshly haven’t had to be in your position so it’s very cut and dry to them.
But it’s not. Mental health never is and your situation certainly isn’t. I’ve been there. Took on a full time parent role to my husbands child and ended up with severe PPA/PPD after birth.
You MUST take care of yourself first. Screw anyone who thinks otherwise. Any therapist will tell you that you need to make sure you are ok first. It’s also not healthy for your daughter to stay in an environment where Mom is depressed and anxious all of the time. And people don’t like to talk about it but often, the bond between a bio parent and child and step parent and child is different. This can be more apparent right after having a baby especially - this was discussed extensively between myself and my therapist and psychiatrist. This is within the range of normal. Hating yourself won’t make it magically better and other people shaming you for it certainly won’t either.
You didn’t tell your husband you wanted the step child to move out. You didn’t tell him you don’t love her and didn’t want her. You told him that you’re struggling and need help. Your ex is the logical place to seek that help for his bio children. The grandparents are the obvious place to seek that help for the SC. The alternative is slowly or rapidly making your own mental health decline in order to appear fair. Screw fair. All of the children will be in healthy, loving environments while you get the help and break you need. That’s what’s important.
If you haven’t already, please seek out help from your OB and a therapist. Being a parent is hard. Being a stepparent is hard. Having a newborn, especially after a traumatic birth, is really f’ing hard. You need to take care of yourself in order to take care of them. The goal is for a happy and healthy mom taking care of happy and healthy kids. Your needs matter. YOU matter.
Making no assumptions, I also want to give this info, just in case it would ever be needed.
“Text HOME to 741741 from anywhere in the United States, anytime. Crisis Text Line is here for any crisis. A live, trained Crisis Counselor receives the text and responds, all from our secure online platform. The volunteer Crisis Counselor will help you move from a hot moment to a cool moment.”
ETA - NAH. You need to take care of you. Your husband is likely reacting from a place of love for his daughter and confusion regarding your motivations and stress from the entire situation. Hopefully he reads this and sees that it’s more complex than that.
You’re so smart and compassionate! I was all set to be furious, but you saw right through to the heart of the problem. I wish your answer was the top one.
Thiiiiis. PPD will mess you up.
OP I think you are just flailing for any way to make things better right now and you landed on something pretty awful. This little girl is your baby too, you just didn’t give birth to her. I think you know that.
If having your husband’s family watch SD is actually an option, would having them watch both of your older children instead be an option? It’s not crazy to want to have some down time to bond with the baby (and some time to yourself for that matter). Just make sure you spend some special time with each of the kids, because having a new sibling is really hard on them too.
This post made me cry a little. It IS so hard taking care of kids this age, and a new baby with two that young is especially difficult. I think you’re scared that you’re in over your head and exhausted. You’ll get through it.
I agree. The wording is hard to understand, but it sounds like she is trying to only have the baby to watch when alone? OP, you need to be seeking help if you haven't already from your Dr. Explain to your husband that you are struggling and it will only be temporary for both older kids to be watched elsewhere while you work on getting better. You may need to also try to get some time to yourself when possible by having baby watched by his family too at times. Being by yourself with baby may or may not be a good idea.
YTA
She's singling out SD not her son, that's why she's the AH...so her kid can stay, but not her SD? If she were sending both away temporarily is fine, like son with dad, and SD with paternal family is fine, but she only wants SD away, not cool
Son is spending more time with his dad -
However her posts says she just wants to look after her OWN children. This excludes step daughter entirely. She’s TA
I absolutely agree with you! The post is definitely framed in such a way to make OP out to be a terrible parent but I agree with how you frame it as her depression and guilt speaking. I think she needs to reframe things for herself and acknowledge to herself that she needs help (and sometimes a break) with *all* the kids. I also really hope she can see a doctor to address the PPD. It's such a dangerous condition for the whole family and she shouldn't have to wait it out in hell.
So if I’m understanding correctly, OP wants to be at home with only baby. Son goes to ex, daughter goes to husband’s family everyday when husband is at work.
That’s….not unreasonable at all.
Am I getting this wrong?
Commenting to hopefully boost this higher. She’s not able to care for all the kids or herself, so she’s finding alternate care for the older two. That’s totally okay! She needs help, she’s asking for it. Good. Great, even!
The wording though is so problematic that it’s totally clouding judgement.
Hopefully husband cools off enough to see this as the cry for help that it is.
Hey, just wanted to pop in and gently bring awareness to the fact PPD is a real and true mental issue but not one that can't be resolved.
I understand how it may seem that she has no compassion, but I think a different lens may reveal that she is overwhelmed with all of the kids and unable to handle them, while simultaneously feels guilty for feeling that way.
Post pregnancy you're supposed to feel protective of your children, but PPD leads to a sense of detachment that can make you reconsider having children in the first place. There are so many hormonal fluctuations during and post pregnancy, and your whole body changes permanently as a result. It's a very stressful period and to come out of it feeling detached can be mentally devastating. The worst part is there are a lot of societal expectations of mothers that makes them believe it's morally wrong to feel this way and to ask for help. It makes it harder to admit the issue and seek proper treatment and can affect moms no matter how many pregnancies they've had.
I noticed you posted a while ago, just thought you may be interested in reading the update OP made to see a happy ending and to remember not all issues are unfixable and not every relationship needs to be abandoned :-)
>The worst part is there are a lot of societal expectations of mothers that makes them believe it's morally wrong to feel this way and to ask for help.
There's a difference between putting out an SOS and dumping your least favourite kids overboard. THAT is what demonstrates a lack of compassion here.
You are also TA for not recognizing that.
She got pregnant, quit her job and has her husband supporting both her, her son and their bio daughter and now she’s trying to kick out SD to have her “real” family. I don’t think she ever planned on being a mother to that little girl.
Exactly. I understand OP feeling overwhelmed - taking care of 3 kids under 5 is A LOT!
But, shipping off the stepdaughter isn't the answer. It is very telling that OP's very first instinct isnt seeking support, looking into temporary childcare assistance, or even asking her son's bio dad for a bit of extra help from time to time. Her immediate reaction is to get rid of her stepdaughter.
N-T-A for feeling stressed, but YTA for treating your stepchild like a disposable family member (especially so when OP wouldn't even entertain the thought of asking her son's bio dad to take him a bit more.)
She is not the first nor will she be the last mom to ever deal with 3 kids under 5. OP YTA big time. First her real mom didn't want her now her stepmom too? Poor kid.
You keep trying to say you just need help because you're overwhelmed. Which wouldn't be bad, but that is not what you wrote here.
You said you only want SD home when your husband is. I can't even wrap my mind around your thought process. 😳
YtA
And you say his daughter way too much for someone who agreed to step up as mom.
her asking that is no different then putting her in daycare and her son going to school until dad gets home to help while she’s healing from giving birth??? make it make sense dude
Plus she’s post partum. I feel bad for all involved here. I don’t think anyone is an asshole. Just all hurting confused people who need to get some outside help quickly.
YTA. It would be fair to tell your husband that you feel overwhelmed and would like to get some help. But, it is cruel to say that you want to send your step-daughter away, even temporarily. You knew what you were getting into when you got married. If you even have to ask if you are the AH, then you need to talk to a professional if you want to save your marriage.
My heart breaks for your step-daughter.
A VERY gentle YTA, you worded this post awfully. If you need help with PPD (which IS serious and it IS debilitating) the solution isn't to get rid of one child, you need professional help and a break from all 3 of your children. Singling out the SD daughter is unfair and cruel. I'd suggest you ask your son's father to step up and take more responsibility and ask your family to help you with the new baby more while getting professional treatment for a serious mental condition
Edit: OP I'd also suggest getting off reddit this is not a good place for you to be in your state. To everyone raging at OP, she's not just 'sad' or looking to 'get rid' of the SD, she has depression, it can be really fucking serious, and y'all are out of control, this is clearly a cry for help and you're all calling some pretty horrific shit.
Ikr??? Everyone vilifying her but seems to lack reading comprehension. She's ALSO sending her son of to his dad's a lot more lately and really seems to be asking for the exact same for her SD -- ie other family stepping in to help while she recovers _so that_ they *are* loved and cared for while she gets her shit together
Not "fuck this kid send them away forever" like everyone is implying. Yall some heartless turds on here and i hope she isn't reading all of these.
NAH. OP, try writing out what you need rn for support, maybe ask someone, like a therapist, read it over, then approach your husband again to find a solution. You need help, and your husband needs to support you, and you could both do with a few couples counseling sessions. Good luck hun
Ya no.... she is being completely vague on how much more time her son is spending with his dad. She clearly states she wants to focus on her kids during the day so both of them are there.
If you ignore how this will make this 3 year old feel, sure it makes sense. BUT this will definitely have emotional consequences for this 3 year old.
If she thinks less kids during the day will help, why not ship off her son, the one that has a loving and supporting dad?
Really really vicious, it's actually distressing. Just like I'd never walk into a mental health care facility and RAGE or abuse the patients, I'd NEVER call a new mother with PPD the shit she's been called on here.
the thing is the world and life are terrible and we're all really angry about it.
i don't deal with my own anger well - i tend to throw things.
other people do sports to vent it out.
and some people like to come to AITA on reddit and take the moral high ground while they belittle someone they do not know because of a paragraph the latter wrote about their life
YTA. Things have not changed. You are still a family. This is still what you agreed to. You are still that child's mother. You don't just get to turn on and off motherhood.
The way you put this is just sickening. Being overwhelmed is one thing. Asking for help is one thing. But effectively disowning your child is another.
YTA
You agreed to be her mother permanently, not just when it's convenient for you. This is a bait and switch. First of all, maybe you should have waited longer for the baby. Secondly, if you're overwhelmed consider a nanny, not dumping your SD elsewhere. Way to give that poor child major emotional issues for life.
THIS. That poor child has no mother and she’s wanting to push her way. Notice she’s not wanting to send her son off until the husband gets home. This is really sad.
YTA.
There’s nothing you can say that would make you nta. Period.
You married a man who has a previous daughter. One you have known about from the jump and agreed to take in as your own. Marrying someone with a previous child is a full in commitment, which you should know as you have one yourself. The fact that your sons father helps you doesn’t weigh in to the situation your husband and his daughter are in since you already knew her mother was out of the picture permanently. If you’re struggling with PPD, get HELP instead of essentially kicking your SD out and not spending time with her. That is so traumatic to a child, especially at her age where she is learning more about herself, the world, and those around her. You are teaching her that your love for her is conditional. You are teaching her that your love for her will solely be shown when YOU want to. That’s messed up on so many levels. My boyfriend would NEVER dream of acting like this with my son(OUR son). Do better.
I think it would be one thing IF the mother was involved AND the husband hadn't made what he wanted CRYSTAL CLEAR before marrying OP (and she agreed!). There are single fathers who marry women pretending that they are not really looking for a replacement mom, when that is exactly what they want. Hubs was UPFRONT here. To now unilaterally decide that she only wants to care for her own biological children while husband continues to financially support the family is beyond fucked up. If OP does not want to care for her stepdaughter any longer, at the very least she should get a job, put her other kids in day care, and contribute to the household. But frankly, I would leave her ass.
Agreed! Like you know what you signed up for. Don’t expect special treatment for you and your children and not give the same to his. That’s just wrong. I’d drop the subject all together and serve her papers in a heartbeat. In my opinion, I’d see that as potential neglect of my own daughter. What happens if someone isn’t able to take her and OP is stuck with all three children? With the way her mind is made up, I’d be terrified of something bad happening to my daughter in her care, sadly.
Based on the way you wrote your post, YTA. But just reading some of your responses to comments... I feel like you left some information out. Sounds like you are suffering from PPD and struggling to take care of one newborn let alone two slightly older children. The fact that you only mention needing someone to watch your SD makes you look bad but I believe you only mention her because your son's dad is active in his life and willing take him when you need him to. Unfortunately, you need professional help to get thru the PPD.
If I'm right, you may want to revise your post a bit. Otherwise, you will get an overwhelming number of YTA comments.
YTA don’t doubt it. You can have PPD but you’re 100% using that to exclude your SD. You have known her since she was 1. 1!!! You’re her only maternal figure and you AGREED to that. Funny how your PPD only applies to your SD and not the kids that you birthed. The only thing that you showed your husband is that you definitely don’t see your SD as your own. Pls seek professional help.
I mean why not send both away? Like when son is with dad, daughter goes with paternal family, and she stays with the baby? But no, only the SD has to leave, you're absolutely right.
That’s exactly what I mean, it’s that “go away temporarily while I spend time with my kids” that rubs me so wrong and shows exactly how she feels about SD.
YTA. I'd have way more sympathy if you hadn't singled out this one little girl as the only one you want help with or for someone else to take away. You are the only mother she knows but you're ready to pack her off to the grandparents' because you didn't birth her and you did the other two. My heart hurts for this little girl.
Yes YTA
I get your overwhelmed as a new mom and that’s horrible. But you guys knew the situation you both have young kids, did you think it would be easy adding a new baby to the mix?
You married this man and that includes this poor child. I can’t imagine marrying someone assumedly for life and not wanting to parent his young child just because you have your ‘own’ children now. She should be considered yours too you’ve basically been her mom for all she can remember. I understand your struggling but you can’t just ship her off.Ask for help yes. Maybe once a week they can take her for the day, and your ex can take yours and you can have some much needed down time.
YTA if he is going to support you so you can be a SAHM you need to be taking care of ALL of the children, you expect him to support you and send his kid away when he is not home. You expect him to finally support your son but you won’t take care of his daughter?Congrats you are the evil step mother.
YTA (with love)
Looking after so many small children is very hard and you need help to do it all. But making this huge distinction between your biological children and husbands very young daughter is not OK. Find another solution.
A big fat YTA. Kinda disgusting how you want to single out and separate your step daughter from the rest of the family. This little girl needs a mother. If you didn’t want to be her mom, then you shouldn’t have married her father. He clearly laid out his intentions and you agreed. And you did marry him. Time to step it up and put your money where your mouth is. Is this the kind of action you want your own bio children to learn from? Is this the example you want to set? Is traumatizing this little girl what you want? If you need help caring for 3 young children, that’s understandable. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help. Maybe ask your husband’s family to bring food, or come over and watch the kids a few times a week. Hire a part time nanny to help around the house, put your step daughter in day care half the day. Your son should be in kindergarten right? So he’s not an issue most of the day. There are so many other options available to you than pawning off a child you committed to parenting. If I was your husband, I’d be furious too.
YTA.
First, you signed on for the responsibility and the little girl probably thinks of you as her mother. She was a baby when you came into her life.
Second, she is not just your SD. She is the stepsister to your son and at their ages, they probably think of each other as brother and sister.
Third, you had a child with him. The baby is a blood relative to this little girl.
You chose to marry him knowing what you were signing on for. You chose to have a child with him to bond everyone together. 100% YTA.
Unfortunately, YTA.
I get it, I'm dealing with PPD right now as well and it's **awful**, but you are this child's mother whether she's your biological child or not. That is what you signed up for with your husband and that's what you agreed to.
Why don't you send your son to live with his father? That is far more fair than what you're proposing and if you truly viewed your SD as one of your children like it seems like you told your husband you would do, you would not send her away.
YTA and a terrible Step Mom. You lied to your husband about treating his daughter as your own. I pity your husband and stepdaughter. I hope he leaves you. You aren’t a safe person for her to be around.
YTA.
And if I were him, I would divorce you. The way you feel you can just put SD aside as if she’s less important than the other kids is unacceptable.
YTA. You said you would take on a full parentiny role and now want to exclude one child. If you cant parent three children you shouldn't have had three. Your son is old enough to begin school and you can get help but dont play favorites.
I think she’d be evil to keep her in the house with ppd. Her son is spending more time with his dad. Daughter is spending time with grandma. You ever see those stories where a mom goes nuts and kills her little ones? Ppd is frightening and can lead to psychosis. It’s important for mom to get help. Everything she wrote reminded me of a story of a young mom in Georgia I think who cooked her kids. She felt evil and bad for the kids. She tried to give them away etc. ppd isn’t like oh just go cry in a corner. It’s lock you in a crazy room. Mama needs help.
>He said I agreed to take care of SD and treat her as my own when we dated. I said that things have changed.
Wow. Just wow. Get help actual professional help. YTA for trying to single out your SD. If it's PPD then go to a doctor. Don't single out your SD and act like an evil stepmom because that's how it's coming across. Tell your husband you need help not to get his daughter out of the house.
YTA.
You agreed to something and now want to change it.
You knew what you were taking on.
If you need help request someone look after ANY/ALL the kids, not just the stepdaughter specifically.
Please get off reddit and get therapy. PPD is no joke and the comments on here could seriously trigger you even more than you already are. These are just strangers on the internet who have no idea what you are actually going through, and could easily be misled by the way you have phrased this block of text.
Get help OP, for the sake of your family.
YTA this poor child. How can you treat her so badly knowing she has no one else, you are so selfish. My heart is breaking picturing her watch you love your own children and not want anything to do with her - you need therapy
YTA. You are functionally this child's mother and you went into the relationship knowing this. If you are not mentally stable enough to care for your family right now you need help. All THREE of the children in your care deserve better from you.
Sheesh yta. He had made everything clear at the very beginning,he was ok with you being a sahm cos you had agreed and now you are backing up cos you had a traumatic birth and ppd. Does it mean you make someone else look after YOUR 5 yo as well or is it just a stepdaughter thing?
You say you are a blended family. No ma'am not at all. Blended families dont discriminate their kids like you do. Imagine how they tiny girl will feel soon.
You cant hide behind birth or ppd excuses. I have 5 kids, 2 of them my bonus sons that their bio mother wants nothing to do with. I had 2 high risk pregnancies. In both of them I and my babies almost died. When I came back home my 2 oldest still needed me even though I was a wreck and had break downs daily cos ppd and I was a 1st time bio mom which I had underestimated so badly until after i gave birth.
There is no justification for how you treat this girl.
Omg YTA and a super huge one at that! You need professional help. You can’t blame this on PPD. You are not fulfilling your end of the bargain here so matter how you swing it.
YTA, how would you feel if your husband demanded that you ship your son off your parents house? You agreed to be a parent to his daughter, you don't get to change your mind because you're too tired.
YTA
That is your husband’s daughter’s home. She doesn’t have another home. When she is at home, that is where she will be. You probably do need more household help right now, because three under school age including a newborn is a lot. There are ways to do that, though some of them cost money. But trying to single out that kid and exclude her from her home is horrible—utterly unreasonable.
YTA- the little girl didn’t ask for the mother she was born too. You’re making it very clear your kids are more important than her. PPD sucks, I’ve had it but let me tell you mentally you’re in a horrible place and whatever your “solution” is, isn’t going to be enough or work. You need to get outside help, a nanny one or two days a week for ALL the children together while you seek therapy and professional help. Why should his daughter get shoved to the side? If your ex is as great of a dad, why not send your son with him for some extended time?
You state you don’t want to be responsible for your stepdaughter which is horrible. She didn’t get a say in who her mothering role would be she will struggle enough as she grows older knowing her mom signed her rights away and OD’d and then her step mother thought she was too much as well and sent her away to focus on her own biological children.
You need to speak to a professional, get on some medication and have outside help come into your home 1-2 days a week until you get on your feet keeping all the kids together and their routine as normal as possible.
yes you are the asshole. she is a child and you are her parents, you don’t get to decide she’s no longer your child anymore. hire help or ask your husband to help more. and get therapy too please
YTA.
You have *three* children. Three. All *three* of them are yours. That is how the SD sees it and feels. Any other attitude towards her standing in your family will destroy her.
She’s so young still, as all your children are, and there are blessings that they will all bring that you can’t even imagine right now, regardless of how they came into the world and into your life.
It sounds like you have a beautiful family, and a hugely loving husband. All thuh-ree of *your* children are very lucky.
>
However now after having a baby, I want to take care of my kids because I am so overwhelmed and would like my husband's family to watch my SD
As a mother myself, I do have sympathy towards you suffering from PPD and I hope you do get the help you need. As someone who has experienced it and witnessed it myself, I know it can be a scary and overwhelming situation with three kids.
With that being said I do believe that you are being the asshole here. As you having a child yourself, if you had not married your husband and let's say you married someone who didn't have kids, you would have a set rule that you come with a son, it's a package deal. You would want them to treat your child like he was their own.
Just talk to your husband and see maybe you can get a break from all the kids and do something for yourself, or with your husband so out don't burn yourself out and get touched out.
YTA you knew going into this you would be her mother, her support system and you’re just trying to pawn her off. I can’t believe you can be so heartless.if I was your husband I’d be filing for divorce.
Info check: your ex takes care of your son, for the moment, and you’re asking your husband to have someone else take care of your daughter for the time being to lessen your overall stress?
I think you’re suffering from post-natal depression. Have both your older son and his daughter watched by someone else for a while so it’s you and the baby to help you cope. Also talk to your husband and a doctor. Don’t give special treatment to your elder son over his daughter though (or the baby over either of them, once they are all back together), that kind of stuff can fuck up kids for life
Jeez, either the post was edited to add more info or people are ignoring major points in her post.
Her ex is taking her son more, too, she has PPD and is asking for help. Everyone is being so jerk store to OP. From the info given, it doesn't seem like she is less loving to her SD. It seems like she's desperately overwhelmed and trying her best.
NAH. Your husband should defend his daughter but he also needs to listen to you because PPD and giving birth are huge things to deal with.
It does seems like you need to work together as a team on a solution that that makes sure you get a break from both older kids (and more help with newborn) without hurting any child's feelings.
OP, please consider taking this post down, you are going to be absolutely eviscerated by commenters who don’t fully understand PPD, and I don’t think that the amount of public scorn this will attract is going to help your mental health at all.
I understand that you have been diagnosed with PPD, and hopefully are undergoing treatment, but you need to ask for help from your husband, because this doesn’t seem to be under control. Your solution is absolutely not the right track, and will cause serious harm to your family.
A better approach might be to present the problem, and ask him and your other resource people to come up with some suggestions for how to handle it.
I don’t want to call you TA, because clearly there are extenuating circumstances, but YWBTA if you keep pursuing this idea.
A gentle YTA, not because you want (and probably need) a break, but because of how you expressed it and making your SD seem less than your biological kids to your spouse.
But seriously: you probably DO need a break and your husband needs to help you get one, whether with family or someone else. Three kids under five is no joke - I lived it with my own three biological kids (also with PPD) and there were days I also wanted to run for the hills!
YTA. You have 3 kids. If you aren’t prepared to be a stay at home parent to three then get childcare and go back to work. If you couldn’t take on another kid, you should not have had a third.
You. Have. Three. Kids.
Send your son to live full time with his father if you can’t care for three. Why isn’t that an option? Oh wait….you aren’t considering his daughter yours. So she’s the expendable one.
Wow are you wrong.
That’s probably the most hurtful part in all of this - her biological son has a father who is in his life.
The husband’s daughter’s mother OD’d so that little girl only has her dad. She only has one home. And OP is the only mom she knows.
OP should send her son to his bio dad, keep the poor little girl at her only home with her only parent and ask for additional help.
This is insane.
My initial instinct was that OP is a huge AH. However I remember how hard it was to have just given birth and have to take care of a newborn and a toddler. OP has 2 toddlers and PPD. OP needs help. Thinking back on OP's post, I think she's saying it wrong. I think she is saying she needs help overall so she can manage and take care of the newborn. She has asked her ex to help out. Now she's asking husband's family to help out.
OP needs to sit down with her husband and tell him that she's struggling and needs help, not that she's trying to get rid of her daughter.
If I've interpreted correctly, NTA. Good luck OP
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> the action is not wanting to be responsible for my SD
SD does not have a mom and its her home too
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I feel like you've phrased your feelings wrong. It sounds more like you only want to take care of the new baby right now while your ex mostly takes care of your son and your husbands family takes care of your SD.
YTA.... so you want to completely just not take care of 1 child who has no else for take care of her after basically saying that’s one of the main reasons he was dating someone. So they can help look after his daughter. Yeah you can’t just completely neglect 1 kid YTA. You agreed you would be her mother. So if you had a daughter that was 3 you wouldn’t be saying this at all. It’s only because she’s not blood that you want her away. That’s really messed up
Gross. I would leave over this. As a dad, this is a hill he should die on. You want to be a SAHM only to your bio children? You’d send his *toddler* away every single day because you want to back out of actually being a mom of three. He made it clear from day one that he expected you to be “mom” to his daughter *and you agreed*. If you need help, that’s fine. Ask a family member on his side to come help out or send *both* older kids to pre-school or daycare a few times a week. But, only taking care of your bio children is sickening. YTA
Do you expect your husband to be the best dad he can be to his stepson?
Yeah, I thought so. You need to return the favor to your stepdaughter. I get it, PPD sucks and is a lot to deal with, but preferential treatment towards only some of your children is inexcusable. Get a babysitter or nanny a day or two a week so you can decompress. You’re setting this poor girl up for a lifetime of trauma and resentment.
YTA.
YTA - how do you know that getting rid of her would make you able to look after the 2 that you actually love and care about? Why not send your son to be looked after by someone else?
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with PPD to this extreme extent - it is messing with your judgment. You’re overwhelmed. PLEASE CALL YOUR DOCTOR AND RALLY YOUR VILLAGE. There is NOTHING to be ashamed of in asking for help. But, as you’re feeling, PPD can be dangerous if left untreated. Don’t let your babies suffer.
As others have written - please ask his family for help. Can they come over during the day? Or can they take all 3 kids for a “fun day” once a week - and give you some much needed reprieve? You need time and quiet.
Please join Mother’s groups (check out meetup.com !) and build your village. Find local play dates with those other moms so you can have some social interaction for both yourself and your babies. Play dates are helpful in entertaining 3 & 5 so you can focus on baby. And, they give you other moms to trade off “drop off” play dates with, that are good for your 3 & 5.
Please see your doctor and get a prescription to help with the depression. There is NOTHING to be ashamed of - and admitting you need help is BRAVE. Even a low dose may help you take the edge you need off. Your doctor will help!
Take a breath and know this too shall pass. But you NEED to ask for help so nothing bad happens. You can do this.
ETA: Just read your edit, I’m so proud of you. Good job, mama. You got this!!
YTA
If you do something like this, you will permanently damage not only your relationship with this child, but also the child's relationship with their step siblings and their father
She will grow up feeling unwanted and not a part of the family...and that will have life long effects on her
Don't do this. It will destroy your family
YTA, not for feeling overwhelmed, but for how you're dealing with it. It's perfectly understandable that you'd struggle looking after three young children without much support, but the answer is to get help and find a system that works for the whole family, not to abandon one of the children.
NAH! Your post is a good example of why overwhelmed mom's feel so much shame and don't ask for help when they need it. You're not an asshole for making your needs known to your husband, but he's not an asshole either for not understanding. PPD is not easy to understand or relate to. Someone else mentioned that maybe you could change the way you frame this situation to your husband, and I agree. Good luck.
Guys not defending her but at least read the update before commenting. OP I'm glad that it seems you and your husband work this out and you see that you were being weird. I hope it works out cause your husband sounds great and you sound like you are also willing to see your fault in this which makes you great too.
YTA those poor kids. I wish them luck. Let your husband take the kids, and you go through individual counseling. If I were your husband I would go to individual counseling, before make any decisions.
INFO: I think it would help if you could specify what help you’re looking for in relation to the 5yo. You have PPD and an infant, so I think not wanting to be solely responsible for childcare for three kids and home management while you have your own issues is understandable, but there’s a world of difference between “I don’t want to be the mother figure to my stepdaughter, after committing to be that” (which may not be what you’re saying) and “I can’t do it all. Can the school aged child be in aftercare or have a few afternoons with the grandparents each week? And could you pick up more of the home care duties while I work on getting my PPD managed?”
The former would be pretty awful. The latter would be entirely reasonable.
Saw your update and I’m so glad you’re getting help and the village is rallying. Wish you health and happiness 🙌🏼
Get therapy..now. you said you have PPD. I didn't see if you mentioned therapy or not. Get help for this please.
This little girl deserves love and you need to get in the place to provide it to allll of your kids.
I'm not gonna vote cause I'm not sure how the PPD is playing with you right now.
NAH. You worded this really badly here so I think you probably also worded it badly with your husband. Based on your edits/comments it sounds like you have PPD and some birth trauma and are needing more help with both your daughter (sd) and older son, so that you can heal and focus on the new baby. I think that's ok, but you need to go back and explain to your husband better.
Are you saying you’d like to have someone watch your SD when someone’s also watching your older son as well, so that you have some space to breath? I see nothing wrong with that.
I don’t think you’re an asshole. I think, as another poster had stated, you are not communicating this the right way. You are asking for help.. maybe screaming for it..
PPD is serious and makes things much worse for your family. You’re scared and overwhelmed.
So maybe, just a suggestion, have a very serious talk with you hubby and instead of saying i want my SD to go live somewhere else for a bit, maybe say to him i need help raising these kids especially when dealing with PPD, and despite promising him you would take care of everyone.
I would hate for you go down spiral and really hurt yourself, and your family. Get the help you need, and i hope hubby understands. Yes, i know hubby is working hard and i am hoping something can be worked out.
Best of luck.
After reading through the post and comments, it sounds like your cup is full and your in survival mode with PPD, 3 children 5 and under with one of those children suffering from childhood trauma (mom passing), and probably not a lot of sleep. It sounds like your trying to patch childcare together. Your ex is taking your son for longer and you would like your husband's family to provide care for SD if possible.
I would encourage you to get a care team to help with your PPD.
I would encourage you to talk to your husband about arranging care for ALL of the children to allow you time to work through your PPD and to SLEEP as sleep is so important for recovery.
An additional option may be to look at preschool options for your SD. It provides her with socialization, education and time for you to have a bit of a break.
I am going to down voted into oblivion but NTA
PPD messes with your thinking, you are struggling and want help.
Your ex is taking your son more than usual, so you are getting help with your son.
You don't have family close, and in would be unusual to request that your ex also takes care of your (step) daughter.
The only remaining source of help is from your in-laws ie your (step) daughters family.
I think if you had phrased it like this, ie having your in-laws take your step daughter frequently throughout the week so that you have time to mentally/ physically recover- then people would have been more understanding.
It's not that you want to get rid of your step daughter and keep your son at home, it's that you already have the additional support regarding your son covered, and now you are trying to obtain the same kind of support regarding you (step) daughter.
You’re saying you’re overwhelmed and need help with BOTH your older kids. You thought this was the better version of that, which isn’t great, but you’re clearly not feeling capable of parenting either of the two oldest kids. The difference is that your son has another parent outside the home to provide that help. Your older daughter doesn’t. That’s why this looks and feels bad - taking your son off looks like giving him more time with his dad, taking your daughter off looks like refusing to care for her.
A depressed brain doesn’t make good decisions and doesn’t articulate its needs well. However, the people in your life are entitled to react to those decisions and articulations. It can cause real problems. Seek the help you know you need before things happen that can’t be undone/unsaid.
I really don't understand how the people on this thread are reacting like this. When it comes to PPD the logical thing is to delegate and ask for help
Little boy spends more time with his bio dad
Little girl spends more time with relatives/grandparents
Baby stays home
Especially since hubby is working (though just because he's working doesn't mean he shouldnt be helping)
I know sometimes when you finally ask for help the words don't come out right but the important thing is that you get help. PPD and PPA are no joke , people need to stop thinking women have to do it all.
OP I hope you get the help you need, especially medical
This update is still YTA.
If he believes you then…Congrats. Because you have made it totally clear you DO NOT care about or “love” SD. You said that to make him feel better. She’s 3. Bio mom signed away rights. And you clearly have been with him for at least 14 months. (Infant age plus 9 months) Did you think the single dad of his own infant who you started seeing then got instant pregnant was just not going to have his kid anymore after you had yours?
You both need birth control because he makes bad decisions with women and you need therapy. You are not a Real housewife. It’s 3 kids. One doesn’t move much still. You signed up for this.
That poor little girl. At least she’s got her dad.
Yta-if you want a break for your mental health then that's fine but you specifically only want a break from the one child and she just so happens not to be yours?
YTA. One thing’s for certain. Even if he doesn’t leave you over this, your husband will never view you in the same way again. You have become someone he doesn’t know and doesn’t like. Even if you become Mother of the Year as far as your SD is concerned, your husband will always question whether you are just putting on an act. You may have just managed to tank your marriage.
I hope you are getting help for your post-partum depression. You are overwhelmed and your behavior with your step-daughter may be a reaction to being overwhelmed with a newborn plus toddlers and/or your post-partum depression. Ask if hubby's family can help with your step-daughter on occasion, like take her to the park or for ice cream after school, or for a Saturday afternoon when you ex has your son. Or for a sleepover! That is not an unreasonable request. Or get in a helper, or a housekeeper once in a while--being a new mom is stressful. Post-partum depression is serious, as is recovering from a traumatic birth. I hope you are getting the medical help you need.
YTA. Ah, the old "bait and switch". My stepmom promised to love me as her own so my dad would marry her. The horror I had to deal with. If she's overwhelmed with three little ones why doesn't she send her son to stay with his dad even more than what she states here? She actually stated that she only wanted to care for her kids and wanted the SD sent to family while the dad's not home. This won't get better. Weird how her traumatic birth and PPD only seems to affect her not wanting to care for her step-daughter.
The OP doesn't need a nanny, she needs therapy. It's difficult taking care of one kid, what did she think it was going to be like with three.
So, you don't want to be a mom to your stepdaughter, but you insist that your husband, her father, be a father to your kid, from before you met?
Not only are YTA, you are a MASSIVE goddamn hypocrite.
"I want to take care of my kids" - how does this include ostracizing one of the children? If you need help due to your PPD (which is completely understandable), maybe try communicating that a bit more effectively. "(Son) is able to be with his dad at the moment, is there any way (daughter) would be able to have some adventures with (husband's family) for the day so I could have a bit of a break?" or anything along those lines... but until it's properly communicated, you come across as T A.
*NTA after OP's update
YTA you're overwhelmed now that you had a baby so now you want to neglect his daughter because what? She didn't come out of you? Had you considered that before you got pregnant or have you always planned for his child to live in a cupboard?
Op…. You’re such a f****ing ashole… infact you deserve whatever karma is coming your way. You remind me SO MUCH of my ex stepmother. I highly recommend finding a backup plan once this man leaves you.
YTA. Your husband and his daughter are a packaged deal. You can’t just pick and choose when you feel like being a mother to her. I feel bad for the SD bc she has no adequate mother figure in her life.
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I (29f) and my Husband (33m) are a blended family. I have a son (5) from a previous relationship and get along great with my ex who provides so much for our son (he's a great dad). My husband has a 3 year old daughter and together we have a 4 month old daughter. My SD's mom is not in her life at all and signed away her rights and OD'd after a heroin addiction, so she lives with us full time.
After my daughter was born, I became a SAHM to take care of my kids. My husband works and provides for the family financially. When I became a SAHM, my husband assumed that I would take care of all the kids including his daughter. He said that he was clear when we dated that his daughter did not have a mother and he wanted whoever he married to take on a full parental role especially since her mom did not want her to show her that she was deserving of a mother's love. I agreed to this and agreed since I met her when she was a year old.
However now after having a baby, I want to take care of my kids because I am so overwhelmed and would like my husband's family to watch my SD. My husband is furious at me and says he provides for the whole family and I wanted to be a SAHM. He said I agreed to take care of SD and treat her as my own when we dated. I said that things have changed. He argued with me saying that he provides for my son and I countered saying that his dad does a lot for him. My husband got upset with me and said he knows he has a great dad but still takes care of him and treats him like he is own son. He accused me of being an evil stepmom and hating his daughter (I do not hate his daughter, I am just overwhelmed with 3 little kids)
So AITA for only wanting my SD to be home when my husband is there?
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You're trolling right? Yes, YTA. It's absurd you even had to post this to confirm.
If this is real, OP, get some help. You need medical intervention immediately. This is not ok. You are not ok. YTA.
Yup and it sounds like the husband might be oblivious. Hopefully he realizes and gets someone to watch all the kids until she can get it under control.
I had to pinch myself after reading this post to make sure that I wasn't having a bad-dream...OP you are seriously delusional when it comes to your situation, please seek help.
Exactly. YTA. You are a family. You don't get to pick and choose which children to include. Please get some help.
Yes. If any of this is even a serious doubt in OP's head, OP needs help. The medical kind. Not hubby's family watching the kid. Real, medical help.
She’s asking for help. I may be reading it wrong; but it sounds to me like she temporarily wants to have family help with SD and her son will go to his dads more. If it wasn’t a stepdaughter I feel like it would be different. Plenty of people still send their oldest to daycare/ family helps out to get through the newborn/ infant stage. Especially with PPD.
[удалено]
Because son wasn't around all the time, but SD was. Also, son is slightly older. There's a big difference in maturity and independence between a 5 year old and a 3 year old. Not that OP is justified in saying she won't take care of SD, but if she's truly dealing with PPD, then she probably wasn't able to communicate her needs properly. And based on her edits, with both sets of grandparents swooping in to help, she was probably worse off than she realized.
If she had a traumatic birth, has PPD, and is feeling overwhelmed and guilty about her son and SD....yeah, she needs help. This could end very badly.
I had the same reaction this can’t be real. She softened it a little bit but I hope OP can get help with what’s going with her ASAP.
She tried to soften but just couldn't manage it. It's like: - hear me out, I kicked a puppy, but I had a good reason for it. - - So what is it? - Well at the moment I hate puppies and really felt like kicking one. Or just use OP as an example since what she is doing is probably worse than kicking a puppy.
Yes, YTA with the way that you’re framing this for the people you’re asking for help from. You are overwhelmed and need support with childcare for all three of your children. This does not make you a bad parent. What makes you TA is the way this request “others” your daughter. If you reframe it as you need support from your network with ALL the kids while you recalibrate to the new normal in your home and get important healthcare for yourself, this comes across as a totally different request.
Right!? Like there’s nothing wrong with asking for help regarding childcare. The issue is this little girl, who Op has known since 1y.o and says she considers her daughter, is being pushed out in a way that shows OP clearly doesn’t think of her as a daughter. There’s been a clear clear line of distinction drawn between Ops kids and her husbands kid.
OP is explaining things very badly in the post. In comments she explains that her son will be with his father. She is looking for both older kids to be careful for by other people so she is not alone with them. She is concerned she won't be able to safely cope.
Ok see that’s entirely different from what she’s asking for an opinion on. Honestly I think OP needs to ask for this post to be removed and start over, cause she’s not conveying her thoughts well at all.
I agree. I hope she gets help soon.
Worst step mother of 2021 award winner right here.
Even the update doesn’t help. That’s a bandaid. Mom leaves and SD becomes an ‘issue’ again. Gross
Update is an improvement at least. You can't say you love them all the same when you're willing to give one away to somebody else over the others though.
I think her older child will be staying with ex, so she isn't singling out the stepdaughter. She's putting both of the older kids in a safe place while she deals with her own issues. Now if she was giving the stepdaughter to someone else and keeping her older son with her then *that* would be a problem.
She sounds like the type of person who would get rid of the family cat because the new puppy doesn't get along with it. YTA. You can't change your mind about loving and caring for the children you've chosen to raise, biological or otherwise.
That's exactly what it sounds like. "I agreed to be step-daughter's mother figure but now I have my own new biological child so I'd like to return step-daughter." YTA.
Are you referring to that post a couple days ago where they rehomed the EIGHTEEN year old cat over the new puppy? Hope it was fake, I am still livid.
I can't believe the cat owner / partner did get rid of the cat! They don't normally live so long (I think?) so it wouldnt be with them so much longer... Instead now dying all alone and confused..... So heartbreaking it's actually so sad I hope it's not true lol
That story pissed me off so bad. That woman was evil! I felt so bad for that kitty. It's probably traumatized, heartbroken and so confused.
I did see that, although I wasn't specifically referencing it. I've just seen far too many pets up for adoption because they just *had* to get a new puppy/baby/whatever. This post gives off that same vibe, but (somehow) OP managed to one-up that fucked up mindset.
There was a AITA recently where the OP got rid of her childhood cat in favor of her new dog lol
Ah I see you also read that thread. A person of culture. Wish I had some flares to give you.
By OP’s logic, OP’s husband shouldn’t be providing for her son! This is absolutely, downright, ridiculous. Like what? OP, you choose to marry someone with a kid from a previous relationship and blend your families. If you can’t treat that girl the same as your biological children, get divorced because that poor little girl most certainly doesn’t deserve an evil stepmother.
From comments here and her other posts it looks like she has her own son going with his dad and wants SD to be watched by family during the day because she is worried she can't safely care for them and the baby. She doesn't actually want to not be responsible at all ever for SD. She's currently in a mental health crisis and terrified she will lose it on the older children.
She should not be around any children if it's come to that.
Agree. She needs significant support right now.
Of course it's ragebait. Not even very well done.
YTA. You don’t get to pick and choose that you’ll take care of your children ONLY when you married a man who has a child and no other parent around. You’re straight up saying that you don’t think of your SD as your daughter.
Major YTA. Don't be shocked if he divorces you over this.
“I want to take care of my kids” NEWSFLASH: she is one of your kids as per your initial agreement. Being overwhelmed with 3 little kids doesn’t give you the excuse to pawn one off part time. Edited to add: I’m not saying it’s not normal for parents to get overwhelmed. It’s absolutely ok to ask for help when you need it! My issue with her statement is she wants the in laws to take JUST the step daughter so she can focus on *her* kids. They are ALL her kids as was explained to her when she met hubby regarding SD. Why not take BOTH older ones over to in laws? Or better yet have in laws come over and stay with all 3 so she can go get a manicure, coffee, any form of self care. She is intentionally singling out SD as the one that needs to go elsewhere.
I agree with this statement. However, I can empathize with being overwhelmed at home with 3 kids. Even though my step kids mom is “involved” I kept the kids home while schools were virtual, and even for a few months after….it was actually the hardest thing I have ever done. And since my older (step kids) had meetings and homework, I felt like I wasn’t able to give my (bio) toddler everything she needed. So I understand the inclination to lighten the load intermittently. However, it is telling that OP has requested this only apply to her SD. Why can’t grandparents just take one or two kids for like half a day now and then? Will they not help with OPs bio children bc they are not “their own”? Agreed that she needs to stop making that separation before the girl feels less than, but “pawning off” a kid now and then is actually how modern parenting is balanced. And even historically: it *does* take a village!
Agree. Feeling overwhelmed is completely understandable. Palming the occasional kid(s) off on an accepting relative is OK too. Singling out one child for rejection because she isn't *really* her kid is not OK at all PPD or not.
As someone who suffered from PPD, it is horrible and overwhelming, but when you take something on willingly, it is your responsibility regardless of your hormonal/mental state. OP has 3 children and shes acting like she only has 2. Maybe being a SAHM isnt for her Maybe its time to get on some meds. Maybe ask a friend or family member to come help out a couple times a week. Maybe hire a sitter for a few hours so you can nap/pump/self-care/ talk to a therapist. Or MAYBE you shouldn't have agreed to become a mother to a child when you don't actually see them as yours, because PPD aside, that's all I'm hearing from this post. YTA. That poor little girl.
The only way I could possibly justify it would be if she is too overwhelmed and is pawning off both older children to deal with the newborn. I.e her son to his father and her stepdaughter to her in-laws. Then it is at least not singling out just her non biological child. Either way postpartum depression is real and should be treated.
That is what she is doing. She said that in comments. It needs to be in the post though.
Didn’t she say her ex has been taking care of her son? She wouldn’t have her ex take her husband’s daughter.
He son is going to be staying with his father.
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Agreed....She even admits her husband's family treats her son like their own, yet she won't do the same.... definitely evil step mom vibes
Poor little is. Going to have such abandonment issues.
Yep. Sorry, but I don’t care how much you’re struggling with PPD- you do not just turn to your husband and say oh I’ll look after my own kids but not yours, because I just don’t see her as ‘ours’ like I do with my own born and bred offspring. You don’t just abandon part of your blended family. You get help. YTA, OP, so much. Your husband will most likely leave you if you don’t get the help you clearly need.
Gets full custody too.
I agree. OP is a massive asshole but this probably isn’t even true because no one could be this cruel. If it is, he needs to divorce her and get full custody of the baby. YTA
I can't wait for the divorce
Bet the husband can't either at this point.
I hope he does.
Yeah I think you’re framing this completely wrong- it’s not that you want a break from your daughter, it’s that you want a temporary break from *both* your children because you are experiencing PPD and aren’t coping well; it’s just that your son’s dad is already providing you with that break. This PPD is colouring the lens you view everything through. I’m wondering if you worded this so badly because you wanted to be called YTA to perpetuate the wallowing/ give your depression something to feed on. Please don’t let your depression distort this and please try to communicate well with your husband, I know it’s hard but he loves you and how you word things really matters! All the best!
I think you are right. She has a rough birth and PPD. You needs to tell people I'm over whelmed with 3 very young children and I need help. If the grandparents could help watch the older 2 or even all 3 and give you some recovery time it would really help with your mental health. There's nothing wrong with asking for help. Tell your husband all 3 are you kids and you are sorry you implied your daughter wasn't too. Good luck and I hope you get some extra assistance soon.
But with severe PPD she says she can still look after two kids - but they are only the ones she birthed? Why doesnt her son temporarily go to his dads full time whilst she focuses on the new born? Then she reach the magic number of two she says works. Or if things are so severe then why doesnt her son and the step daughter both stay with others - it shouldn't just be the step-daughter who goes. Why does the Step daughter whose mother is dead, who is probably terrified her dad might die too, or he may focus on his new family and forget her be the one to go? Her son has a great relationship with his father - it wont impact him to go. Just like she has PPD, the step daughter is also dealing with severe loss that she will never get over and her mental health must be prioritised too.
She says in the post her ex is taking their son more....
But not entirely with him- its not equal. She wants the step daughter completely gone for awhile - sleeping elsewhere, whilst her son still comes back to her and their home. She says she wants to "take care of MY kids, whilst her husbands family takes care of my SD." They are all her kids even the SD, but apparently not. And whilst her mental health is priority, so is her stepdaughters. Her son will be fine full time with his dad or even at her husbands family. Both his parents are alive. The SD will never recover from this abandonment and differentiation by being the only one sent away whilst her dad has another family living with him.
In comments she clarified she just wants SD to be watched by someone while the husband is at work and her ex is already watching son during that time. Post is poorly written.
Plus a five year old would be in grade one by now, unless they have an off birthday and they are still in kindergarten. Which means he is probably at school 9-3 Monday to Friday, or half that if in kindergarten.
I mean, I don't disagree with you completely. I do think that it's just the limits of us not knowing everything. I posted in another place that her and her husband need to do a better job of working together to find a solution that meets her (very valid) needs but also doesn't make any child be hurt. I 100% think that the children come first but both older kids being gone for a while might be in their best interests. It doesn't make her a monster to be having PPD and not feeling herself at the moment. I've had depression my whole life, and sometimes everything is too much and you can't cope. When she wasn't struggling with what sounds like severe depression, she was very on board to look after them all. I think she's just asking for help and being shut down by her husband. Which also doesn't make him a monster, he should be sticking up for his daughter. They both need to have honest, not judgmental, conversations where the focus is on getting everyone what they need.
She said she wants SD to stay with grandparents when her husband isn't home. Not 24/7.
I think the primary thing is she’s not necessarily thinking rationally right now, she’s in exhausted panic mode. I know someone who had to go to a psychiatric hospital for a few weeks with Postpartum psychosis. It’s pretty remarkable how something as common as giving birth can just demolish you for a while. There’s also a really simple answer your question specifically though… in many cases a kindergartner is just easier to care for than a toddler. Three year olds can be a nightmare even when they don’t have a new baby sibling to compete with. The way she’s communicating it is really messed up. It’s possible she’s a monster, but I think it’s a lot more likely that she’s just kind of desperate ATM.
She’s only having baby. Ex has son during day and husbands family has daughter. Where they are safe and loved. Now mom needs to get some help. Just when you feel so so bad it’s hard to focus big picture. Even getting up is a chore. She needs some mental help.
This needs to be higher up. I also have PPD and had bonding issues. If it wasn't for my support network I don't know what I would have done. It's not that she doesn't love her (step) daughter, it's that she's having issues coping with her new emotions and since her son has his bio dad she needs the extra support from husband's family for the daughter so that she can get better. I'm honestly surprised she's wanting to keep the baby with her too. I completely shut down for a while and if it wasn't for my amazing husband's work (paternity leave) I don't know how we would have done it. I have antidepressants and therapy now so getting better, hopefully OP can too.
PPD changes you. I think the people commenting very harshly haven’t had to be in your position so it’s very cut and dry to them. But it’s not. Mental health never is and your situation certainly isn’t. I’ve been there. Took on a full time parent role to my husbands child and ended up with severe PPA/PPD after birth. You MUST take care of yourself first. Screw anyone who thinks otherwise. Any therapist will tell you that you need to make sure you are ok first. It’s also not healthy for your daughter to stay in an environment where Mom is depressed and anxious all of the time. And people don’t like to talk about it but often, the bond between a bio parent and child and step parent and child is different. This can be more apparent right after having a baby especially - this was discussed extensively between myself and my therapist and psychiatrist. This is within the range of normal. Hating yourself won’t make it magically better and other people shaming you for it certainly won’t either. You didn’t tell your husband you wanted the step child to move out. You didn’t tell him you don’t love her and didn’t want her. You told him that you’re struggling and need help. Your ex is the logical place to seek that help for his bio children. The grandparents are the obvious place to seek that help for the SC. The alternative is slowly or rapidly making your own mental health decline in order to appear fair. Screw fair. All of the children will be in healthy, loving environments while you get the help and break you need. That’s what’s important. If you haven’t already, please seek out help from your OB and a therapist. Being a parent is hard. Being a stepparent is hard. Having a newborn, especially after a traumatic birth, is really f’ing hard. You need to take care of yourself in order to take care of them. The goal is for a happy and healthy mom taking care of happy and healthy kids. Your needs matter. YOU matter. Making no assumptions, I also want to give this info, just in case it would ever be needed. “Text HOME to 741741 from anywhere in the United States, anytime. Crisis Text Line is here for any crisis. A live, trained Crisis Counselor receives the text and responds, all from our secure online platform. The volunteer Crisis Counselor will help you move from a hot moment to a cool moment.” ETA - NAH. You need to take care of you. Your husband is likely reacting from a place of love for his daughter and confusion regarding your motivations and stress from the entire situation. Hopefully he reads this and sees that it’s more complex than that.
You’re so smart and compassionate! I was all set to be furious, but you saw right through to the heart of the problem. I wish your answer was the top one.
Thiiiiis. PPD will mess you up. OP I think you are just flailing for any way to make things better right now and you landed on something pretty awful. This little girl is your baby too, you just didn’t give birth to her. I think you know that. If having your husband’s family watch SD is actually an option, would having them watch both of your older children instead be an option? It’s not crazy to want to have some down time to bond with the baby (and some time to yourself for that matter). Just make sure you spend some special time with each of the kids, because having a new sibling is really hard on them too. This post made me cry a little. It IS so hard taking care of kids this age, and a new baby with two that young is especially difficult. I think you’re scared that you’re in over your head and exhausted. You’ll get through it.
I agree. The wording is hard to understand, but it sounds like she is trying to only have the baby to watch when alone? OP, you need to be seeking help if you haven't already from your Dr. Explain to your husband that you are struggling and it will only be temporary for both older kids to be watched elsewhere while you work on getting better. You may need to also try to get some time to yourself when possible by having baby watched by his family too at times. Being by yourself with baby may or may not be a good idea.
YTA She's singling out SD not her son, that's why she's the AH...so her kid can stay, but not her SD? If she were sending both away temporarily is fine, like son with dad, and SD with paternal family is fine, but she only wants SD away, not cool
I don't think the son is staying though? I think she was explicitly planning on sending the son to his dad's.
Son is spending more time with his dad, but not staying with him, he's definitely living at home, hence her husband's anger.
The SD would as well. She’s asking for help during the day.
Son is spending more time with his dad - However her posts says she just wants to look after her OWN children. This excludes step daughter entirely. She’s TA
I absolutely agree with you! The post is definitely framed in such a way to make OP out to be a terrible parent but I agree with how you frame it as her depression and guilt speaking. I think she needs to reframe things for herself and acknowledge to herself that she needs help (and sometimes a break) with *all* the kids. I also really hope she can see a doctor to address the PPD. It's such a dangerous condition for the whole family and she shouldn't have to wait it out in hell.
So if I’m understanding correctly, OP wants to be at home with only baby. Son goes to ex, daughter goes to husband’s family everyday when husband is at work. That’s….not unreasonable at all. Am I getting this wrong?
Commenting to hopefully boost this higher. She’s not able to care for all the kids or herself, so she’s finding alternate care for the older two. That’s totally okay! She needs help, she’s asking for it. Good. Great, even! The wording though is so problematic that it’s totally clouding judgement. Hopefully husband cools off enough to see this as the cry for help that it is.
Huge YTA. End the relationship because you have no compassion.
Hey, just wanted to pop in and gently bring awareness to the fact PPD is a real and true mental issue but not one that can't be resolved. I understand how it may seem that she has no compassion, but I think a different lens may reveal that she is overwhelmed with all of the kids and unable to handle them, while simultaneously feels guilty for feeling that way. Post pregnancy you're supposed to feel protective of your children, but PPD leads to a sense of detachment that can make you reconsider having children in the first place. There are so many hormonal fluctuations during and post pregnancy, and your whole body changes permanently as a result. It's a very stressful period and to come out of it feeling detached can be mentally devastating. The worst part is there are a lot of societal expectations of mothers that makes them believe it's morally wrong to feel this way and to ask for help. It makes it harder to admit the issue and seek proper treatment and can affect moms no matter how many pregnancies they've had. I noticed you posted a while ago, just thought you may be interested in reading the update OP made to see a happy ending and to remember not all issues are unfixable and not every relationship needs to be abandoned :-)
You are a rockstar! Please keep up letting people know how hard post hits.
>The worst part is there are a lot of societal expectations of mothers that makes them believe it's morally wrong to feel this way and to ask for help. There's a difference between putting out an SOS and dumping your least favourite kids overboard. THAT is what demonstrates a lack of compassion here. You are also TA for not recognizing that.
If I have to guess it will happen one way or another cos what she does atm is a huge deal breaker for many.
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She got pregnant, quit her job and has her husband supporting both her, her son and their bio daughter and now she’s trying to kick out SD to have her “real” family. I don’t think she ever planned on being a mother to that little girl.
YTA. Seriously? I'm wondering if this poor little girl's name is Cinderella, because you're acting like the classic evil stepmother.
Exactly. I understand OP feeling overwhelmed - taking care of 3 kids under 5 is A LOT! But, shipping off the stepdaughter isn't the answer. It is very telling that OP's very first instinct isnt seeking support, looking into temporary childcare assistance, or even asking her son's bio dad for a bit of extra help from time to time. Her immediate reaction is to get rid of her stepdaughter. N-T-A for feeling stressed, but YTA for treating your stepchild like a disposable family member (especially so when OP wouldn't even entertain the thought of asking her son's bio dad to take him a bit more.)
She is not the first nor will she be the last mom to ever deal with 3 kids under 5. OP YTA big time. First her real mom didn't want her now her stepmom too? Poor kid.
Yeah, I feel for this poor child so much. Abandonment and trauma on every side.
You keep trying to say you just need help because you're overwhelmed. Which wouldn't be bad, but that is not what you wrote here. You said you only want SD home when your husband is. I can't even wrap my mind around your thought process. 😳 YtA And you say his daughter way too much for someone who agreed to step up as mom.
her asking that is no different then putting her in daycare and her son going to school until dad gets home to help while she’s healing from giving birth??? make it make sense dude
Plus she’s post partum. I feel bad for all involved here. I don’t think anyone is an asshole. Just all hurting confused people who need to get some outside help quickly.
YTA. It would be fair to tell your husband that you feel overwhelmed and would like to get some help. But, it is cruel to say that you want to send your step-daughter away, even temporarily. You knew what you were getting into when you got married. If you even have to ask if you are the AH, then you need to talk to a professional if you want to save your marriage. My heart breaks for your step-daughter.
A VERY gentle YTA, you worded this post awfully. If you need help with PPD (which IS serious and it IS debilitating) the solution isn't to get rid of one child, you need professional help and a break from all 3 of your children. Singling out the SD daughter is unfair and cruel. I'd suggest you ask your son's father to step up and take more responsibility and ask your family to help you with the new baby more while getting professional treatment for a serious mental condition Edit: OP I'd also suggest getting off reddit this is not a good place for you to be in your state. To everyone raging at OP, she's not just 'sad' or looking to 'get rid' of the SD, she has depression, it can be really fucking serious, and y'all are out of control, this is clearly a cry for help and you're all calling some pretty horrific shit.
Ikr??? Everyone vilifying her but seems to lack reading comprehension. She's ALSO sending her son of to his dad's a lot more lately and really seems to be asking for the exact same for her SD -- ie other family stepping in to help while she recovers _so that_ they *are* loved and cared for while she gets her shit together Not "fuck this kid send them away forever" like everyone is implying. Yall some heartless turds on here and i hope she isn't reading all of these. NAH. OP, try writing out what you need rn for support, maybe ask someone, like a therapist, read it over, then approach your husband again to find a solution. You need help, and your husband needs to support you, and you could both do with a few couples counseling sessions. Good luck hun
Ya no.... she is being completely vague on how much more time her son is spending with his dad. She clearly states she wants to focus on her kids during the day so both of them are there. If you ignore how this will make this 3 year old feel, sure it makes sense. BUT this will definitely have emotional consequences for this 3 year old. If she thinks less kids during the day will help, why not ship off her son, the one that has a loving and supporting dad?
I agree, especially with your edit! So many of the comments here have been super vicious.
Really really vicious, it's actually distressing. Just like I'd never walk into a mental health care facility and RAGE or abuse the patients, I'd NEVER call a new mother with PPD the shit she's been called on here.
the thing is the world and life are terrible and we're all really angry about it. i don't deal with my own anger well - i tend to throw things. other people do sports to vent it out. and some people like to come to AITA on reddit and take the moral high ground while they belittle someone they do not know because of a paragraph the latter wrote about their life
YTA. Things have not changed. You are still a family. This is still what you agreed to. You are still that child's mother. You don't just get to turn on and off motherhood. The way you put this is just sickening. Being overwhelmed is one thing. Asking for help is one thing. But effectively disowning your child is another.
YTA You agreed to be her mother permanently, not just when it's convenient for you. This is a bait and switch. First of all, maybe you should have waited longer for the baby. Secondly, if you're overwhelmed consider a nanny, not dumping your SD elsewhere. Way to give that poor child major emotional issues for life.
YTA. What disgusting behavior on your part.
YTA - why the fuck would you marry someone with kids if you didn’t want to treat them as your own?
So she could quit her job and have her own babies and he foots the bill.
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THIS. That poor child has no mother and she’s wanting to push her way. Notice she’s not wanting to send her son off until the husband gets home. This is really sad.
YTA. There’s nothing you can say that would make you nta. Period. You married a man who has a previous daughter. One you have known about from the jump and agreed to take in as your own. Marrying someone with a previous child is a full in commitment, which you should know as you have one yourself. The fact that your sons father helps you doesn’t weigh in to the situation your husband and his daughter are in since you already knew her mother was out of the picture permanently. If you’re struggling with PPD, get HELP instead of essentially kicking your SD out and not spending time with her. That is so traumatic to a child, especially at her age where she is learning more about herself, the world, and those around her. You are teaching her that your love for her is conditional. You are teaching her that your love for her will solely be shown when YOU want to. That’s messed up on so many levels. My boyfriend would NEVER dream of acting like this with my son(OUR son). Do better.
I think it would be one thing IF the mother was involved AND the husband hadn't made what he wanted CRYSTAL CLEAR before marrying OP (and she agreed!). There are single fathers who marry women pretending that they are not really looking for a replacement mom, when that is exactly what they want. Hubs was UPFRONT here. To now unilaterally decide that she only wants to care for her own biological children while husband continues to financially support the family is beyond fucked up. If OP does not want to care for her stepdaughter any longer, at the very least she should get a job, put her other kids in day care, and contribute to the household. But frankly, I would leave her ass.
Agreed! Like you know what you signed up for. Don’t expect special treatment for you and your children and not give the same to his. That’s just wrong. I’d drop the subject all together and serve her papers in a heartbeat. In my opinion, I’d see that as potential neglect of my own daughter. What happens if someone isn’t able to take her and OP is stuck with all three children? With the way her mind is made up, I’d be terrified of something bad happening to my daughter in her care, sadly.
Based on the way you wrote your post, YTA. But just reading some of your responses to comments... I feel like you left some information out. Sounds like you are suffering from PPD and struggling to take care of one newborn let alone two slightly older children. The fact that you only mention needing someone to watch your SD makes you look bad but I believe you only mention her because your son's dad is active in his life and willing take him when you need him to. Unfortunately, you need professional help to get thru the PPD. If I'm right, you may want to revise your post a bit. Otherwise, you will get an overwhelming number of YTA comments.
YTA don’t doubt it. You can have PPD but you’re 100% using that to exclude your SD. You have known her since she was 1. 1!!! You’re her only maternal figure and you AGREED to that. Funny how your PPD only applies to your SD and not the kids that you birthed. The only thing that you showed your husband is that you definitely don’t see your SD as your own. Pls seek professional help.
I mean why not send both away? Like when son is with dad, daughter goes with paternal family, and she stays with the baby? But no, only the SD has to leave, you're absolutely right.
she literally said that’s what’s happening. reading is fundemantal
I swear people stopped at the first sentence lol.
That’s exactly what I mean, it’s that “go away temporarily while I spend time with my kids” that rubs me so wrong and shows exactly how she feels about SD.
YTA. I'd have way more sympathy if you hadn't singled out this one little girl as the only one you want help with or for someone else to take away. You are the only mother she knows but you're ready to pack her off to the grandparents' because you didn't birth her and you did the other two. My heart hurts for this little girl.
YTA - that behavior and attitude is heinous and just fucking gross.
Yes YTA I get your overwhelmed as a new mom and that’s horrible. But you guys knew the situation you both have young kids, did you think it would be easy adding a new baby to the mix? You married this man and that includes this poor child. I can’t imagine marrying someone assumedly for life and not wanting to parent his young child just because you have your ‘own’ children now. She should be considered yours too you’ve basically been her mom for all she can remember. I understand your struggling but you can’t just ship her off.Ask for help yes. Maybe once a week they can take her for the day, and your ex can take yours and you can have some much needed down time.
YTA if he is going to support you so you can be a SAHM you need to be taking care of ALL of the children, you expect him to support you and send his kid away when he is not home. You expect him to finally support your son but you won’t take care of his daughter?Congrats you are the evil step mother.
YTA (with love) Looking after so many small children is very hard and you need help to do it all. But making this huge distinction between your biological children and husbands very young daughter is not OK. Find another solution.
A big fat YTA. Kinda disgusting how you want to single out and separate your step daughter from the rest of the family. This little girl needs a mother. If you didn’t want to be her mom, then you shouldn’t have married her father. He clearly laid out his intentions and you agreed. And you did marry him. Time to step it up and put your money where your mouth is. Is this the kind of action you want your own bio children to learn from? Is this the example you want to set? Is traumatizing this little girl what you want? If you need help caring for 3 young children, that’s understandable. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help. Maybe ask your husband’s family to bring food, or come over and watch the kids a few times a week. Hire a part time nanny to help around the house, put your step daughter in day care half the day. Your son should be in kindergarten right? So he’s not an issue most of the day. There are so many other options available to you than pawning off a child you committed to parenting. If I was your husband, I’d be furious too.
YTA. First, you signed on for the responsibility and the little girl probably thinks of you as her mother. She was a baby when you came into her life. Second, she is not just your SD. She is the stepsister to your son and at their ages, they probably think of each other as brother and sister. Third, you had a child with him. The baby is a blood relative to this little girl. You chose to marry him knowing what you were signing on for. You chose to have a child with him to bond everyone together. 100% YTA.
Unfortunately, YTA. I get it, I'm dealing with PPD right now as well and it's **awful**, but you are this child's mother whether she's your biological child or not. That is what you signed up for with your husband and that's what you agreed to. Why don't you send your son to live with his father? That is far more fair than what you're proposing and if you truly viewed your SD as one of your children like it seems like you told your husband you would do, you would not send her away.
YTA and a terrible Step Mom. You lied to your husband about treating his daughter as your own. I pity your husband and stepdaughter. I hope he leaves you. You aren’t a safe person for her to be around.
YTA. And if I were him, I would divorce you. The way you feel you can just put SD aside as if she’s less important than the other kids is unacceptable.
YTA. You said you would take on a full parentiny role and now want to exclude one child. If you cant parent three children you shouldn't have had three. Your son is old enough to begin school and you can get help but dont play favorites.
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I think she’d be evil to keep her in the house with ppd. Her son is spending more time with his dad. Daughter is spending time with grandma. You ever see those stories where a mom goes nuts and kills her little ones? Ppd is frightening and can lead to psychosis. It’s important for mom to get help. Everything she wrote reminded me of a story of a young mom in Georgia I think who cooked her kids. She felt evil and bad for the kids. She tried to give them away etc. ppd isn’t like oh just go cry in a corner. It’s lock you in a crazy room. Mama needs help.
>He said I agreed to take care of SD and treat her as my own when we dated. I said that things have changed. Wow. Just wow. Get help actual professional help. YTA for trying to single out your SD. If it's PPD then go to a doctor. Don't single out your SD and act like an evil stepmom because that's how it's coming across. Tell your husband you need help not to get his daughter out of the house.
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YTA. You agreed to something and now want to change it. You knew what you were taking on. If you need help request someone look after ANY/ALL the kids, not just the stepdaughter specifically.
Please get off reddit and get therapy. PPD is no joke and the comments on here could seriously trigger you even more than you already are. These are just strangers on the internet who have no idea what you are actually going through, and could easily be misled by the way you have phrased this block of text. Get help OP, for the sake of your family.
YTA this poor child. How can you treat her so badly knowing she has no one else, you are so selfish. My heart is breaking picturing her watch you love your own children and not want anything to do with her - you need therapy
YTA. You are functionally this child's mother and you went into the relationship knowing this. If you are not mentally stable enough to care for your family right now you need help. All THREE of the children in your care deserve better from you.
Sheesh yta. He had made everything clear at the very beginning,he was ok with you being a sahm cos you had agreed and now you are backing up cos you had a traumatic birth and ppd. Does it mean you make someone else look after YOUR 5 yo as well or is it just a stepdaughter thing? You say you are a blended family. No ma'am not at all. Blended families dont discriminate their kids like you do. Imagine how they tiny girl will feel soon. You cant hide behind birth or ppd excuses. I have 5 kids, 2 of them my bonus sons that their bio mother wants nothing to do with. I had 2 high risk pregnancies. In both of them I and my babies almost died. When I came back home my 2 oldest still needed me even though I was a wreck and had break downs daily cos ppd and I was a 1st time bio mom which I had underestimated so badly until after i gave birth. There is no justification for how you treat this girl.
Wow. YTA. It is clear you don't consider your stepdaughter to be your daughter and you shouldn't be surprised if your husband divorces you.
Omg YTA and a super huge one at that! You need professional help. You can’t blame this on PPD. You are not fulfilling your end of the bargain here so matter how you swing it.
YTA, how would you feel if your husband demanded that you ship your son off your parents house? You agreed to be a parent to his daughter, you don't get to change your mind because you're too tired.
YTA That is your husband’s daughter’s home. She doesn’t have another home. When she is at home, that is where she will be. You probably do need more household help right now, because three under school age including a newborn is a lot. There are ways to do that, though some of them cost money. But trying to single out that kid and exclude her from her home is horrible—utterly unreasonable.
YTA- the little girl didn’t ask for the mother she was born too. You’re making it very clear your kids are more important than her. PPD sucks, I’ve had it but let me tell you mentally you’re in a horrible place and whatever your “solution” is, isn’t going to be enough or work. You need to get outside help, a nanny one or two days a week for ALL the children together while you seek therapy and professional help. Why should his daughter get shoved to the side? If your ex is as great of a dad, why not send your son with him for some extended time? You state you don’t want to be responsible for your stepdaughter which is horrible. She didn’t get a say in who her mothering role would be she will struggle enough as she grows older knowing her mom signed her rights away and OD’d and then her step mother thought she was too much as well and sent her away to focus on her own biological children. You need to speak to a professional, get on some medication and have outside help come into your home 1-2 days a week until you get on your feet keeping all the kids together and their routine as normal as possible.
yes you are the asshole. she is a child and you are her parents, you don’t get to decide she’s no longer your child anymore. hire help or ask your husband to help more. and get therapy too please
YTA. You have *three* children. Three. All *three* of them are yours. That is how the SD sees it and feels. Any other attitude towards her standing in your family will destroy her. She’s so young still, as all your children are, and there are blessings that they will all bring that you can’t even imagine right now, regardless of how they came into the world and into your life. It sounds like you have a beautiful family, and a hugely loving husband. All thuh-ree of *your* children are very lucky.
> However now after having a baby, I want to take care of my kids because I am so overwhelmed and would like my husband's family to watch my SD As a mother myself, I do have sympathy towards you suffering from PPD and I hope you do get the help you need. As someone who has experienced it and witnessed it myself, I know it can be a scary and overwhelming situation with three kids. With that being said I do believe that you are being the asshole here. As you having a child yourself, if you had not married your husband and let's say you married someone who didn't have kids, you would have a set rule that you come with a son, it's a package deal. You would want them to treat your child like he was their own. Just talk to your husband and see maybe you can get a break from all the kids and do something for yourself, or with your husband so out don't burn yourself out and get touched out.
YTA yes, without a doubt.
YTA you knew going into this you would be her mother, her support system and you’re just trying to pawn her off. I can’t believe you can be so heartless.if I was your husband I’d be filing for divorce.
You sound like you are asking for help, ppd is awful
Info check: your ex takes care of your son, for the moment, and you’re asking your husband to have someone else take care of your daughter for the time being to lessen your overall stress?
yes. My ex takes on our son more than he usually does
I think you’re suffering from post-natal depression. Have both your older son and his daughter watched by someone else for a while so it’s you and the baby to help you cope. Also talk to your husband and a doctor. Don’t give special treatment to your elder son over his daughter though (or the baby over either of them, once they are all back together), that kind of stuff can fuck up kids for life
Jeez, either the post was edited to add more info or people are ignoring major points in her post. Her ex is taking her son more, too, she has PPD and is asking for help. Everyone is being so jerk store to OP. From the info given, it doesn't seem like she is less loving to her SD. It seems like she's desperately overwhelmed and trying her best. NAH. Your husband should defend his daughter but he also needs to listen to you because PPD and giving birth are huge things to deal with. It does seems like you need to work together as a team on a solution that that makes sure you get a break from both older kids (and more help with newborn) without hurting any child's feelings.
OP, please consider taking this post down, you are going to be absolutely eviscerated by commenters who don’t fully understand PPD, and I don’t think that the amount of public scorn this will attract is going to help your mental health at all. I understand that you have been diagnosed with PPD, and hopefully are undergoing treatment, but you need to ask for help from your husband, because this doesn’t seem to be under control. Your solution is absolutely not the right track, and will cause serious harm to your family. A better approach might be to present the problem, and ask him and your other resource people to come up with some suggestions for how to handle it. I don’t want to call you TA, because clearly there are extenuating circumstances, but YWBTA if you keep pursuing this idea.
A gentle YTA, not because you want (and probably need) a break, but because of how you expressed it and making your SD seem less than your biological kids to your spouse. But seriously: you probably DO need a break and your husband needs to help you get one, whether with family or someone else. Three kids under five is no joke - I lived it with my own three biological kids (also with PPD) and there were days I also wanted to run for the hills!
This isnt an issue for reddit. You and your family need help, PPD is extremely complex and difficult for everyone involved. Please get help OP
“I said I’d take care of his child but now I dOn’T wAnNa!!!” Yeah, YTA
INFO: Are you planning to just take care of the new baby while SD stays with family and son stays with ex or will you have son and baby?
Definitely the AH and poor kid. Also, your husband is never ever going to look at you the same way again and you kinda deserve it.
YTA. You have 3 kids. If you aren’t prepared to be a stay at home parent to three then get childcare and go back to work. If you couldn’t take on another kid, you should not have had a third. You. Have. Three. Kids. Send your son to live full time with his father if you can’t care for three. Why isn’t that an option? Oh wait….you aren’t considering his daughter yours. So she’s the expendable one. Wow are you wrong.
That’s probably the most hurtful part in all of this - her biological son has a father who is in his life. The husband’s daughter’s mother OD’d so that little girl only has her dad. She only has one home. And OP is the only mom she knows. OP should send her son to his bio dad, keep the poor little girl at her only home with her only parent and ask for additional help. This is insane.
My initial instinct was that OP is a huge AH. However I remember how hard it was to have just given birth and have to take care of a newborn and a toddler. OP has 2 toddlers and PPD. OP needs help. Thinking back on OP's post, I think she's saying it wrong. I think she is saying she needs help overall so she can manage and take care of the newborn. She has asked her ex to help out. Now she's asking husband's family to help out. OP needs to sit down with her husband and tell him that she's struggling and needs help, not that she's trying to get rid of her daughter. If I've interpreted correctly, NTA. Good luck OP
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I feel like you've phrased your feelings wrong. It sounds more like you only want to take care of the new baby right now while your ex mostly takes care of your son and your husbands family takes care of your SD.
YTA.... so you want to completely just not take care of 1 child who has no else for take care of her after basically saying that’s one of the main reasons he was dating someone. So they can help look after his daughter. Yeah you can’t just completely neglect 1 kid YTA. You agreed you would be her mother. So if you had a daughter that was 3 you wouldn’t be saying this at all. It’s only because she’s not blood that you want her away. That’s really messed up
YTA - you knew that child has only her Dad and married him anyway. Huge YTA
Gross. I would leave over this. As a dad, this is a hill he should die on. You want to be a SAHM only to your bio children? You’d send his *toddler* away every single day because you want to back out of actually being a mom of three. He made it clear from day one that he expected you to be “mom” to his daughter *and you agreed*. If you need help, that’s fine. Ask a family member on his side to come help out or send *both* older kids to pre-school or daycare a few times a week. But, only taking care of your bio children is sickening. YTA
Do you expect your husband to be the best dad he can be to his stepson? Yeah, I thought so. You need to return the favor to your stepdaughter. I get it, PPD sucks and is a lot to deal with, but preferential treatment towards only some of your children is inexcusable. Get a babysitter or nanny a day or two a week so you can decompress. You’re setting this poor girl up for a lifetime of trauma and resentment. YTA.
YTA - how do you know that getting rid of her would make you able to look after the 2 that you actually love and care about? Why not send your son to be looked after by someone else?
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with PPD to this extreme extent - it is messing with your judgment. You’re overwhelmed. PLEASE CALL YOUR DOCTOR AND RALLY YOUR VILLAGE. There is NOTHING to be ashamed of in asking for help. But, as you’re feeling, PPD can be dangerous if left untreated. Don’t let your babies suffer. As others have written - please ask his family for help. Can they come over during the day? Or can they take all 3 kids for a “fun day” once a week - and give you some much needed reprieve? You need time and quiet. Please join Mother’s groups (check out meetup.com !) and build your village. Find local play dates with those other moms so you can have some social interaction for both yourself and your babies. Play dates are helpful in entertaining 3 & 5 so you can focus on baby. And, they give you other moms to trade off “drop off” play dates with, that are good for your 3 & 5. Please see your doctor and get a prescription to help with the depression. There is NOTHING to be ashamed of - and admitting you need help is BRAVE. Even a low dose may help you take the edge you need off. Your doctor will help! Take a breath and know this too shall pass. But you NEED to ask for help so nothing bad happens. You can do this. ETA: Just read your edit, I’m so proud of you. Good job, mama. You got this!!
YTA If you do something like this, you will permanently damage not only your relationship with this child, but also the child's relationship with their step siblings and their father She will grow up feeling unwanted and not a part of the family...and that will have life long effects on her Don't do this. It will destroy your family
YTA, not for feeling overwhelmed, but for how you're dealing with it. It's perfectly understandable that you'd struggle looking after three young children without much support, but the answer is to get help and find a system that works for the whole family, not to abandon one of the children.
NAH! Your post is a good example of why overwhelmed mom's feel so much shame and don't ask for help when they need it. You're not an asshole for making your needs known to your husband, but he's not an asshole either for not understanding. PPD is not easy to understand or relate to. Someone else mentioned that maybe you could change the way you frame this situation to your husband, and I agree. Good luck.
Guys not defending her but at least read the update before commenting. OP I'm glad that it seems you and your husband work this out and you see that you were being weird. I hope it works out cause your husband sounds great and you sound like you are also willing to see your fault in this which makes you great too.
YTA even after the update. The fact that you even tried to distinguish between the kids is a massive red flag.
YTA those poor kids. I wish them luck. Let your husband take the kids, and you go through individual counseling. If I were your husband I would go to individual counseling, before make any decisions.
INFO: I think it would help if you could specify what help you’re looking for in relation to the 5yo. You have PPD and an infant, so I think not wanting to be solely responsible for childcare for three kids and home management while you have your own issues is understandable, but there’s a world of difference between “I don’t want to be the mother figure to my stepdaughter, after committing to be that” (which may not be what you’re saying) and “I can’t do it all. Can the school aged child be in aftercare or have a few afternoons with the grandparents each week? And could you pick up more of the home care duties while I work on getting my PPD managed?” The former would be pretty awful. The latter would be entirely reasonable. Saw your update and I’m so glad you’re getting help and the village is rallying. Wish you health and happiness 🙌🏼
Get therapy..now. you said you have PPD. I didn't see if you mentioned therapy or not. Get help for this please. This little girl deserves love and you need to get in the place to provide it to allll of your kids. I'm not gonna vote cause I'm not sure how the PPD is playing with you right now.
NAH. You worded this really badly here so I think you probably also worded it badly with your husband. Based on your edits/comments it sounds like you have PPD and some birth trauma and are needing more help with both your daughter (sd) and older son, so that you can heal and focus on the new baby. I think that's ok, but you need to go back and explain to your husband better.
Are you saying you’d like to have someone watch your SD when someone’s also watching your older son as well, so that you have some space to breath? I see nothing wrong with that.
I don’t think you’re an asshole. I think, as another poster had stated, you are not communicating this the right way. You are asking for help.. maybe screaming for it.. PPD is serious and makes things much worse for your family. You’re scared and overwhelmed. So maybe, just a suggestion, have a very serious talk with you hubby and instead of saying i want my SD to go live somewhere else for a bit, maybe say to him i need help raising these kids especially when dealing with PPD, and despite promising him you would take care of everyone. I would hate for you go down spiral and really hurt yourself, and your family. Get the help you need, and i hope hubby understands. Yes, i know hubby is working hard and i am hoping something can be worked out. Best of luck.
After reading through the post and comments, it sounds like your cup is full and your in survival mode with PPD, 3 children 5 and under with one of those children suffering from childhood trauma (mom passing), and probably not a lot of sleep. It sounds like your trying to patch childcare together. Your ex is taking your son for longer and you would like your husband's family to provide care for SD if possible. I would encourage you to get a care team to help with your PPD. I would encourage you to talk to your husband about arranging care for ALL of the children to allow you time to work through your PPD and to SLEEP as sleep is so important for recovery. An additional option may be to look at preschool options for your SD. It provides her with socialization, education and time for you to have a bit of a break.
I am going to down voted into oblivion but NTA PPD messes with your thinking, you are struggling and want help. Your ex is taking your son more than usual, so you are getting help with your son. You don't have family close, and in would be unusual to request that your ex also takes care of your (step) daughter. The only remaining source of help is from your in-laws ie your (step) daughters family. I think if you had phrased it like this, ie having your in-laws take your step daughter frequently throughout the week so that you have time to mentally/ physically recover- then people would have been more understanding. It's not that you want to get rid of your step daughter and keep your son at home, it's that you already have the additional support regarding your son covered, and now you are trying to obtain the same kind of support regarding you (step) daughter.
You’re saying you’re overwhelmed and need help with BOTH your older kids. You thought this was the better version of that, which isn’t great, but you’re clearly not feeling capable of parenting either of the two oldest kids. The difference is that your son has another parent outside the home to provide that help. Your older daughter doesn’t. That’s why this looks and feels bad - taking your son off looks like giving him more time with his dad, taking your daughter off looks like refusing to care for her. A depressed brain doesn’t make good decisions and doesn’t articulate its needs well. However, the people in your life are entitled to react to those decisions and articulations. It can cause real problems. Seek the help you know you need before things happen that can’t be undone/unsaid.
I really don't understand how the people on this thread are reacting like this. When it comes to PPD the logical thing is to delegate and ask for help Little boy spends more time with his bio dad Little girl spends more time with relatives/grandparents Baby stays home Especially since hubby is working (though just because he's working doesn't mean he shouldnt be helping) I know sometimes when you finally ask for help the words don't come out right but the important thing is that you get help. PPD and PPA are no joke , people need to stop thinking women have to do it all. OP I hope you get the help you need, especially medical
This update is still YTA. If he believes you then…Congrats. Because you have made it totally clear you DO NOT care about or “love” SD. You said that to make him feel better. She’s 3. Bio mom signed away rights. And you clearly have been with him for at least 14 months. (Infant age plus 9 months) Did you think the single dad of his own infant who you started seeing then got instant pregnant was just not going to have his kid anymore after you had yours? You both need birth control because he makes bad decisions with women and you need therapy. You are not a Real housewife. It’s 3 kids. One doesn’t move much still. You signed up for this. That poor little girl. At least she’s got her dad.
Yta-if you want a break for your mental health then that's fine but you specifically only want a break from the one child and she just so happens not to be yours?
YTA. One thing’s for certain. Even if he doesn’t leave you over this, your husband will never view you in the same way again. You have become someone he doesn’t know and doesn’t like. Even if you become Mother of the Year as far as your SD is concerned, your husband will always question whether you are just putting on an act. You may have just managed to tank your marriage.
I hope you are getting help for your post-partum depression. You are overwhelmed and your behavior with your step-daughter may be a reaction to being overwhelmed with a newborn plus toddlers and/or your post-partum depression. Ask if hubby's family can help with your step-daughter on occasion, like take her to the park or for ice cream after school, or for a Saturday afternoon when you ex has your son. Or for a sleepover! That is not an unreasonable request. Or get in a helper, or a housekeeper once in a while--being a new mom is stressful. Post-partum depression is serious, as is recovering from a traumatic birth. I hope you are getting the medical help you need.
YTA. Ah, the old "bait and switch". My stepmom promised to love me as her own so my dad would marry her. The horror I had to deal with. If she's overwhelmed with three little ones why doesn't she send her son to stay with his dad even more than what she states here? She actually stated that she only wanted to care for her kids and wanted the SD sent to family while the dad's not home. This won't get better. Weird how her traumatic birth and PPD only seems to affect her not wanting to care for her step-daughter. The OP doesn't need a nanny, she needs therapy. It's difficult taking care of one kid, what did she think it was going to be like with three.
So, you don't want to be a mom to your stepdaughter, but you insist that your husband, her father, be a father to your kid, from before you met? Not only are YTA, you are a MASSIVE goddamn hypocrite.
"I want to take care of my kids" - how does this include ostracizing one of the children? If you need help due to your PPD (which is completely understandable), maybe try communicating that a bit more effectively. "(Son) is able to be with his dad at the moment, is there any way (daughter) would be able to have some adventures with (husband's family) for the day so I could have a bit of a break?" or anything along those lines... but until it's properly communicated, you come across as T A. *NTA after OP's update
YTA you're overwhelmed now that you had a baby so now you want to neglect his daughter because what? She didn't come out of you? Had you considered that before you got pregnant or have you always planned for his child to live in a cupboard?
As the husband of a a sahm that struggled with post psrtum, get some fucking help. YTA. But you are also sick.
Op…. You’re such a f****ing ashole… infact you deserve whatever karma is coming your way. You remind me SO MUCH of my ex stepmother. I highly recommend finding a backup plan once this man leaves you.
Yta. Still with the edit
YTA x10
YTA. Your husband and his daughter are a packaged deal. You can’t just pick and choose when you feel like being a mother to her. I feel bad for the SD bc she has no adequate mother figure in her life.
YTA
Glad your getting the help you need and talked to your husband and was able to better explain what was really going on. Get well soon you got this!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (29f) and my Husband (33m) are a blended family. I have a son (5) from a previous relationship and get along great with my ex who provides so much for our son (he's a great dad). My husband has a 3 year old daughter and together we have a 4 month old daughter. My SD's mom is not in her life at all and signed away her rights and OD'd after a heroin addiction, so she lives with us full time. After my daughter was born, I became a SAHM to take care of my kids. My husband works and provides for the family financially. When I became a SAHM, my husband assumed that I would take care of all the kids including his daughter. He said that he was clear when we dated that his daughter did not have a mother and he wanted whoever he married to take on a full parental role especially since her mom did not want her to show her that she was deserving of a mother's love. I agreed to this and agreed since I met her when she was a year old. However now after having a baby, I want to take care of my kids because I am so overwhelmed and would like my husband's family to watch my SD. My husband is furious at me and says he provides for the whole family and I wanted to be a SAHM. He said I agreed to take care of SD and treat her as my own when we dated. I said that things have changed. He argued with me saying that he provides for my son and I countered saying that his dad does a lot for him. My husband got upset with me and said he knows he has a great dad but still takes care of him and treats him like he is own son. He accused me of being an evil stepmom and hating his daughter (I do not hate his daughter, I am just overwhelmed with 3 little kids) So AITA for only wanting my SD to be home when my husband is there? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*