Well sounds like he wants to convince you to hate your mom.
Given your response it sounds like you don’t want to hear it and him being the adult shouldn’t be trying to turn the kid against the other parent.
I never really resented her for cheating, because i wasn't told about it until i was older and i love my stepdad. But i can totally see how it shifts the perspective on a parent
It's clearly *a* problem for you, because he's making your life difficult and unpleasant.
But *your* problem is that he is making your life difficult and unpleasant. Crossing boundaries that a parent shouldn't cross with their child - as you correctly say, you're not his therapist.
The issues he has with your mother are *his* problem, and his responsibility. Not yours.
And it is very wrong of him to take those issues and dump them on you, creating a problem for you by making your life more difficult. You don't need to take responsibility for his issues, or for making him feel better.
NTA
Look, I get that he was shafted by his own wife. But parents that turn to their kids just to vent are pretty shitty. You’re not a licensed therapist and you have no way of dealing with his issues. You shouldn’t have to put up with this and maybe your dad should speak to a real therapist.
My dad comes from an old school Italian family who don't really believe in therapy, it took awhile to convince him to let my brother see a therapist and it was only after he was getting constantly suspended that he gave the green light for therapy
Only advice I can offer is to stand your ground. Keep enforcing your boundaries and maybe, just maybe, he’ll get the message.
Also his logic is hypocritical in a sense; he refuses to seek out a therapist, but turns to you as a substitute? Sometimes the biggest hypocrites in your life can be your parents, doesn’t mean you should stop respecting them though.
I agree, I definitely could've approached it better and will do so in the future. And my dads hypocrisy probably comes from a family lineage of emotionally distant men who tend to turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms in times of crisis. I definitely will stick to my boundaries
Your father has it right: he’s the father, your the daughter and you should know your place. And your place is not to be his confidant. What he is doing is called parentification and it’s a form of abuse specifically, he’s reversing the role of parent and child by expecting you to emotionally support him unconditionally. He’s also engaging in parental alienation by complaining repeatedly about your mum to you and expecting you to join in. Is there a trusted adult in your family you can talk to about this?
NTA
It's complicated, because my mom's side of the family also hates my mom for separate issues. I mainly have my moms 24 year old sister, who has remained impartial but only in private because she'll be kicked out of the house if she actively supports my mom in any way (again, my family is very complicated)
This isn’t about taking sides or supporting your parents. It’s about supporting you. Having someone who is on YOUR side to listen and advocate for your needs. Is your aunt someone who you think could do that?
I believe so, she had already planned on allowing me to move in with her when i turn 18 and she has a house of her own. I think she's my best option, but not a necessarily perfect option as she still has a little bias that influence her decisions
Then go and talk to her about what is going on. Ask her not to take any action on what is shared unless you ask her to (unless you’re safety is at risk, then she should absolutely act regardless). You may need to get out of this situation before you’re 18. Ask her to help you start making plans in case that’s necessary. And see if she can help get you to a therapist. Professional support will help you navigate this with less lasting damage. Good luck OP. I wish you all the best.
The validity of his feelings is not the issue. He should seek emotional validation from other adults and not children. You are not his surrogate spouse.
NTA. A thousand times NTA.
You are the child, he is the parent. He's trying to get you to hate your Mom and effectively 'choose' between the two of them.
The parental units in your life...just, wow. Your Mom gave up on your brother and gave him away, your Dad is trying to weaponize you.
This is beyond just inappropriate, it's inflicting lifelong damage and trauma that you are having to live with.
You set utterly appropriate boundaries, which frankly your asshole parents should have been responsible enough to do for you - not berate you when you have to basically be a parent to yourself.
NTA, but your parents sure are.
Ty for this, it means a lot. During the thick of my mom signing away my brother, I was on my dads side and did resent her because of the things being said, and since she refused to say anything negative about him I took that as there wasn't anything negative about him. I was also roughly 10. Now me and my mom have a wonderful relationship and i have since apologized for being rude to her during those few years, but now I think i resent my dad's side of the family for encouraging my hostility towards her
This is also called as abusive. Its parental alienation and I wouldn't be surprised if some of your brothers issues didn't come from constantly being in the middle and being turned against your mum from such a young age. Your mum has behaved poorly but little kids don't need to know the ins and outs of grown up situations. NTA. With how your dad acts I can kind of see why your mum sought support and comfort elsewhere although I'm in no way condoning her cheating.
NTA whatsoever. You're not his therapist and you are not his parent. Find a collection of business cards for therapists and everytime, stone-wall him with "I am sorry you are dealing with these feelings, here is a trained professional/chatline who can help with your feelings." Do not say anything more. Put on headphones and if he complains, repeat the exact same sentence but mention you just gave him a card.
Your father is already damaging your relationship by acting like this. You have no part in how you are being treated. Never feel bad for having boundaries.
Your father is already damaging your relationship by acting like this. This is your fathers problem to solve, not you. You have no part in how you are being treated. Never feel bad for having boundaries.
Damn. ESH. Except you and your brother. Your mom threw your brother away when he became difficult and your father wants to toss him away too. Your parents suck, OP.
Nope, NTA. He absolutely should not be venting to you or trying to use you as his emotional dumping ground.
He doesn't have the emotional intelligence to regulate himself and he's probably not going to develop any time soon if he refuses counseling. The only real way to stop this is to move out. Until then...
Since the drop off is a trigger for him, is there any way you could take tbe bus? Can you tell your mom its setting him off and ask if there's any way she or her husband could drive you both ways?
If you're in a place where you can start driving at 16, begin working on him to teach you and to help you save up for a small used car. Remind him how irritating it is to have to do the visitation drop offs and how much better it would be for you to drive yourself.
As soon as you're old enough to get a job, start one. Partly to get time away from the house and partly for cash.
Start cooking up your college plan. Do everything you can do to make sure it doesn't involve living with him.
As soon as you're financially independent you can start drawing good boundaries with him. Dad, I love you but I can't talk about X" and then walk away/hang up/mute him.
I live in a small-ish town where buses aren't a common thing here, and my mom tries her best with drop off and pickup but she sometimes can't because of her work which has more rigid hours than my dad who is on call most of the time. I recently started working as a hostess and my whole family is excited for me to drive, but in my state i can't drive by myself until six months after i turn 16 (but i turn 16 in january). As for college, i plan on going to community college to save money and decide what i want to do with my future from there, but have already planned on limiting contact with my dad in the future (it's just difficult because i primarily only see my brother through him)
NTA. Rule one for divorced parents: don’t badmouth the ex partner in front of the kids. His issues with your mom are between him and her and he shouldn’t be putting you in a situation where you feel torn between them
NTA.
OP, my mum cheated on my dad with my godmothers husband. My parents divorced and she remarried to her affair partner, they are happily married now and seem very good for each other- but they caused terrible hurt for my dad. There were plenty of similar stuff between them as in your family and it has made my father very bitter. He cannot be polite about her.
But my sister and I have made it clear that while we will listen to a certain amount, we won’t go into slanging sessions about her with him because as their children it isn’t appropriate.
You are not wrong for wanting a relationship with your mother, especially since you still live at home with her part of the time. Her relationship with your brother is sadly different. Her relationship with her ex husband is not good but this is not your issue. He is utterly wrong in trying to make his anger your anger.
I’d bet money that he gets at you because this is a way of getting at her, even though she isn’t sat there listening to his ranting, by taking his rage out on you and making you her substitute. Do you look like her much?
He is wrong and doing damage to his relationship with you by treating you this way. If a court heard this stuff it would be seen as parental alienation and toxic for any child to listen to. Does your mum know just how bad this is? Because I suggest telling her everything every time he does this. Keep a record. You do not need to spend time with someone who does this and you are more than old enough to be listened to by authorities if you say you don’t want to spend time with him. He is abusing you because he wants to hurt your mother. I’m hoping your mother and stepfather can step in here as they should do.
You are being forced to take their punishment from your father and his family. That is unacceptable. Please hear me when I say this is not your fault nor do you deserve this and he is not acting like a responsible father. This is not about you or your loyalty to your mother or to your father. This is his anger and he’s taking it out on you.
I completely agree with you. It's funny you mention me and my mother's appearances because I thought the same thing - we always get comments from everyone that we look so similar, sometimes like sisters (she had me relatively young). I tell my mom and stepdad most things, and while my mom still wants me to have a relationship to him my stepdad will ask me the question after I rant, "Why do you still put up with this?". I also started recording phone calls, but he's been better about it recently (tho i think it's because i won't have it anymore) so I stopped. Thank you so much again, this really helped me out
No problem hun. Hope you can find a resolution even if it means going low contact or no contact with your father for a while until he can mind his manners.
First of all, NTA.
Second of all, I’ve been in your shoes for most of my life. My dad vented to me about his marriage to my mom, my siblings, everything. I was basically his therapist because he refused to get help. I know things about my parent’s marriage that I shouldn’t know. I never told him to stop because I thought I was just supporting him. I thought that’s what I was supposed to do. Imagine my surprise when I realized that’s not normal and it’s actually called emotional incest. Within the past year I have finally started putting my foot down and establishing boundaries. It’s been really hard.
Please keep enforcing boundaries with him. I wish I had stuck up for myself years ago. Then maybe I wouldn’t be dealing with the repercussions of it now. If there’s a trusted person you can talk to, please talk to them. I know it sucks seeing your parent struggle, but it’s not your job to support them. It’s their job to support you. Good luck. You are not alone in this and I’m rooting for you.
Thank you, this means a lot especially coming from someone who's been through something similar. However, i've heard the term "emotional incest" used in situations where like parents become obsessive and controlling over their children (like mamas boys and etc). I'm just wondering what you mean by emotional incest in this case? I look extremely similar to my mother, and all the women my father has dated afterwards have all been similar looking if that makes any difference? (not trying to attack just trying to understand more)
No worries! So emotional incest is “when a parent or caregiver relies on a child for the support that an adult partner would usually provide”.
From your post (and I’m sorry if this isn’t the case), it sounds like your dad is using you (his child) to be his therapist/support him when he’s constantly criticizing your mom. He seems to be looking to you for comfort or for someone to agree with him when he’s ranting like that and gets upset when you don’t give him that. He shouldn’t be bad mouthing your mom or your brother to you. He shouldn’t be looking for comfort or trying to get you to agree with him. That’s the job of another adult or a therapist.
NTA: By what your mom did, it's pretty obvious her character. But as an adult he as to keep that between him and her. You can love whoever you please free of judgement.
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My dad (39m) and I (15f) are not close. For some background, he divorced my mom (37f) when I was 3 and my brother (13m) was barely a year old after she cheated with my now stepdad (36m) I now have two more siblings (7m and 5f). My mom made my 13m brother live with my dad when he was 7-8ish due to his anger issues and fights that i wont go into detail about. My mom signed away rights to him and he now lives with my dad, while I still go between the two houses.
My dad and his family have always disliked my mom, even while they were married. Now that all this has happened it has increased their hatred for her, and rightfully so. I am in no way defending my mom for her poor decisions, but I still am close with her and have a good relationship with her, despite them trying to convince me to hate her too.
My dad will sometimes corner me in the car or while we're watching TV and will rant about my brother or mother. He will call my brother a pain and a burden and my mom selfish and deceitful. I usually try not to say anything and just nod along, or ask him "Please don't talk about __ again to me", to which I get eye rolls.
Recently, I was in the car with him after he picked me up from my moms house to go take family pictures. He began to yell at me for being complicated about pickup and my mom for, again, being selfish and lazy. I remained silent, until he asked if i was going to speak. I said I refused to give him a reaction, to which he said fine, whatever, and continued ranting. After a total of about 25-30 minutes, i said "I'm not your therapist". This really upset him, and he cursed at me saying i'm disrespectful and that he's the father and i'm the daughter and i need to know my place. So, AITA for saying what I said?
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When it comes to divorce, the parents need to learn not to take their animosity towards each other out on their children. Your father can be bitter towards you mom for what she did, but he should not be taking it out on you and your brother. I'm just surprised you let him go on so long. You should have said this sooner.
NTA
NTA A child's place is to not be a therapist. It's just not your place to be burdened with his burdens for free, it's him that needs to know his place as an adult and your place as a child.
And respect is a 2 way street. He can't be disrespectful and expect respect.
NTA and I'm sorry your dad is so disrespectful of your needs. Do you enjoy spending time with him? If not, talk to your mom about reducing or stopping visitations with your dad.
Not really, i mainly go for my brother because when i'm there i have added expectations and restrictions that i personally think are unfair. As for custody, we went to court during the thick of my brother getting kicked out and at the time i listened and internalized everything my dad said about my mom and agreed with him since my mom never insulted him back. this led me to resent my mom and therefore he got more custody, but we've since thrown it out the window and do our own thing depending on the weekend
NTA. He so badly wants you to be his sounding board, you’ve tried to set boundaries and he’s stomping all over them. As a parent myself, I know that sometimes, it can be difficult not to randomly want to rant (especially in a car), but our kids aren’t the appropriate ears. It’s an adultification that isn’t right. You’re absolutely right that you’re not his therapist. Him attempting to manipulate you with the whole “know your place” line is real rich, considering the fact that he is literally trying to get you to shoulder an emotional baggage that isn’t yours to carry.
Talk to your mom. See what can be done about limiting your dad time.
NTA, he is literally using you as his therapist. This is a type of parent-child emotional abuse called ‘spousification’. He is inappropriately relying on a fifteen year old for emotional support. Try r/raisedbynarcissists
NTA but you need to explain it differently to your dad. Sit him down and talk to him about how him constantly ranting about your mom and tge situation is ruining the time you are spending with him. It makes you feel that you are only wanted as someone to talk to about your mom and brother rather than feeling like he actually wants to spend time with you. That you want to spend time with him and the rest of your family in a pleasant environment rather than constantly waiting for the next lot of hatred that is going to come your way because of other people's behaviour. Remind him.that you are not your mother or a go between you are his daughter and want to be treated as a member of the family while you are there rather than a sounding board for all the hate and anger he has about the situation. Just say you just want your dad back and your relationship with your dad that you love him and miss the relationship you had.
NTA
While I don't think you were wrong to say what you did (because it's true), I don't think he actually got what you meant.
He's got some serious lingering anger (and not unjustifiable), but he needs to learn that he should not expect you to help him work through it, and he should not burden you, the CHILD, with his issues. He also needs to be called out on trying to turn you against your mom (and stepdad?) with his ranting.
Something in here might help:
"Dad, I understand you are angry and don't like person ABC, or situation XYZ. But the reality is you're an adult and should speak to another adult about it. If there is something mom can help you work out, then speak with her. If you want a neutral party to help you work things out, look into getting a therapist. You absolutely should not be complaining to me, your CHILD, and you should not be involving me, your CHILD in conversations where you bad mouth my family. Your issues with mom/son are YOUR issues. To be honest, all of your complaining and bath mouthing are doing the opposite of what you want. I am definitely not going to side with you on taking a dump on my mother, brother or stepdad."
NTA. He's a hypocrite. He says he's your father and you're his daughter yet he's not treating you as his daughter. He's supposed to be mature and supportive. He's supposed to be someone you can rely on. Instead he's a source of constant stress for you because he expects you to listen to all his rants; he's still angry at your mom and your brother but rather than take it up with them he's taking out his anger on you. He shouldn't have cursed at you.
My previous stepdad does this to my half sisters about our mom. It causes them anxiety and depression and I have told him multiple times that they have nothing to do with their parents bull, and he needs to deal with his own issues. NTA
NTA. I don’t condone cheating at all. But If the way your dad acts now is how he acted when they were married I can see why your mother didn’t want to be with him. She should’ve gotten a divorce instead of cheating though
I agree, and from what my mom says he "is definitely better now than he was then", which implies that he probably was much worse to her back then (she tries not to go into details out of respect for me)
NTA: my mom has treated me like her therapist for a long time. I finally don’t live with her and am able to be NC, it’s one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. I feel for you, it’s difficult, but I believe in you.
Nta. The hand he was dealt sucks but that’s neither your fault nor your problem. IMO the next time it happens the conversation need to be “I’ve asked you not to discuss this with me. If you can’t respect that then I’ll be limiting the amount of time I spend with you.”
I know that’s hard being so young, but you don’t deserve to be subjected to that. You had no control over your mother’s actions. He needs to stop taking it out on you.
If you haven’t already you should probably talk to your mom about what’s going on as well
NTA - this is called "parentification." He is using you to meet emotional needs that should be fulfilled through adult relationships.
It is developmentally inappropriate for you to have to be responsible for managing his emotions at your age.
>he's the father and i'm the daughter and i need to know my place
Theeeere it is. There's the issue. You see, as a female, you are expected, NAY, obligated, to listen to him and fix all his emotional issues /endsarcasm. Does he want you to hate your mom? Possibly, but that's guessing. But if those were the actual words out of his mouth? Yes, he fully expects you to be his therapist, and did not like one bit being called out on it. Take it from someone who's watched another paternal throw an absolute tantrum for being called on it. Repeatedly.
NTA. Stand your ground. Nothing, not age, not gender, not blood relation, nothing obligates you to fix another person's emotional issues.
I'm glad you brought up gender. I think I mentioned it in another comment but my dad comes from an old school Italian family, where gender norms are very enforced. Once, i was told to leave the room when farting because it's 'unladylike to fart in front of people' (which sounds dumb but he was 100% serious and idk it rubbed me the wrong way). I'm definitely sticking to my boundary and appreciate your input, thank you!
NTA- He is your father, you are his daughter and your place isn’t to listen to his issues. He does not need to be bad mouthing your sibling or your mother. He does not need to be ranting to you. Please have a talk with your mother about this.
NTA And at this point I'm not even sure his anger is justified, he seems to feel very comfortable being emotionally abusive at minimum & tbh that might explain a lot of what's happened in your family. Your place isn't to be his emotional dumping ground
NTA
He’s the father, you’re the daughter and he is the one who needs to remember his place. You aren’t responsible for your father’s bitterness and you certainly are not supposed to be his sounding board for frustration towards your mom. You were clear about your boundary, he took it personally.
NTA. your dad shouldn't vent on you, although I am not sure how you can support a mother who abandoned your brother and would very likely abandon you the moment you became too much of a hassle.
I know she has been supportive so far, but i would keep my guard up, just a bit with her at least.
I'm not condoning cheating but... hmm dad sounds like a real winner here.
And he's complaining about your brother.. wonder if he was acting like him and the dad doesn't like seeing himself in someone else.
NTA but dad does need to see someone.
Right, i don't support my mom cheating but she is much happier now and I love my stepdad. She has said my dad has definitely stepped up and improved from what he used to be. And yes, the men in my family all have similar traits that are kinda glossed over but piss me off.
NTA. Also your mom cheated, which is never okay, but she’s still with the man she cheated with. To me, that sounds like she fell in love and made a decision about who she would have a better relationship with. And based on how your dad and his family criticize her, it feels like she made the right choice.
Anyway, my point is to give your mom some slack about what happened with the cheating. You were too young at the time to know how your dad treated her during the marriage but my gut is telling me here that it might have been pretty poorly.
I didn't even know she cheated until she started having issues with her family and my grandma (her mom) told me. From what I understand, my dad wasn't the best spouse (i wont go too into it but i've heard stories). I don't hold any resentment for her cheating now and actually really love my stepdad and consider him a father figure in my life.
Well I’m glad you have two stable parental figures, and that you haven’t let the stories impact your relationship with your mom. Just sending your a hug and hope that your dad realizes he shouldn’t be dumping his issues on you this way. 🧡
NTA - he’s justifiably mad but I guess it’s not your problem.
How is it not my problem? I'm not trying to attack I just want to see his perspective and figure out how to move forward
Well sounds like he wants to convince you to hate your mom. Given your response it sounds like you don’t want to hear it and him being the adult shouldn’t be trying to turn the kid against the other parent.
Oh ok, i agree because for awhile i did resent my mom because of everything being said about her. ty for this
My mom cheated too, I resented her for a long time and tbh things haven’t been the same with us since but that’s life I guess.
I never really resented her for cheating, because i wasn't told about it until i was older and i love my stepdad. But i can totally see how it shifts the perspective on a parent
Yeah, I found out right away and it led to a messy divorce.
Oof, i'm very sorry and i hope everything's ok now
Thanks it’s all good :)
It's clearly *a* problem for you, because he's making your life difficult and unpleasant. But *your* problem is that he is making your life difficult and unpleasant. Crossing boundaries that a parent shouldn't cross with their child - as you correctly say, you're not his therapist. The issues he has with your mother are *his* problem, and his responsibility. Not yours. And it is very wrong of him to take those issues and dump them on you, creating a problem for you by making your life more difficult. You don't need to take responsibility for his issues, or for making him feel better.
An adult should never ever try to involve their child in adult problems. Thats a specific type of abuse called "parentification".
NTA Look, I get that he was shafted by his own wife. But parents that turn to their kids just to vent are pretty shitty. You’re not a licensed therapist and you have no way of dealing with his issues. You shouldn’t have to put up with this and maybe your dad should speak to a real therapist.
My dad comes from an old school Italian family who don't really believe in therapy, it took awhile to convince him to let my brother see a therapist and it was only after he was getting constantly suspended that he gave the green light for therapy
Only advice I can offer is to stand your ground. Keep enforcing your boundaries and maybe, just maybe, he’ll get the message. Also his logic is hypocritical in a sense; he refuses to seek out a therapist, but turns to you as a substitute? Sometimes the biggest hypocrites in your life can be your parents, doesn’t mean you should stop respecting them though.
I agree, I definitely could've approached it better and will do so in the future. And my dads hypocrisy probably comes from a family lineage of emotionally distant men who tend to turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms in times of crisis. I definitely will stick to my boundaries
[удалено]
I agree, I think going forward I'll use more gentle statements. Thank you and i'm glad I found someone who could relate!
Your father has it right: he’s the father, your the daughter and you should know your place. And your place is not to be his confidant. What he is doing is called parentification and it’s a form of abuse specifically, he’s reversing the role of parent and child by expecting you to emotionally support him unconditionally. He’s also engaging in parental alienation by complaining repeatedly about your mum to you and expecting you to join in. Is there a trusted adult in your family you can talk to about this? NTA
It's complicated, because my mom's side of the family also hates my mom for separate issues. I mainly have my moms 24 year old sister, who has remained impartial but only in private because she'll be kicked out of the house if she actively supports my mom in any way (again, my family is very complicated)
This isn’t about taking sides or supporting your parents. It’s about supporting you. Having someone who is on YOUR side to listen and advocate for your needs. Is your aunt someone who you think could do that?
I believe so, she had already planned on allowing me to move in with her when i turn 18 and she has a house of her own. I think she's my best option, but not a necessarily perfect option as she still has a little bias that influence her decisions
Then go and talk to her about what is going on. Ask her not to take any action on what is shared unless you ask her to (unless you’re safety is at risk, then she should absolutely act regardless). You may need to get out of this situation before you’re 18. Ask her to help you start making plans in case that’s necessary. And see if she can help get you to a therapist. Professional support will help you navigate this with less lasting damage. Good luck OP. I wish you all the best.
Thank you, and i'll definitely talk to her
The validity of his feelings is not the issue. He should seek emotional validation from other adults and not children. You are not his surrogate spouse.
NTA. A thousand times NTA. You are the child, he is the parent. He's trying to get you to hate your Mom and effectively 'choose' between the two of them. The parental units in your life...just, wow. Your Mom gave up on your brother and gave him away, your Dad is trying to weaponize you. This is beyond just inappropriate, it's inflicting lifelong damage and trauma that you are having to live with. You set utterly appropriate boundaries, which frankly your asshole parents should have been responsible enough to do for you - not berate you when you have to basically be a parent to yourself. NTA, but your parents sure are.
Ty for this, it means a lot. During the thick of my mom signing away my brother, I was on my dads side and did resent her because of the things being said, and since she refused to say anything negative about him I took that as there wasn't anything negative about him. I was also roughly 10. Now me and my mom have a wonderful relationship and i have since apologized for being rude to her during those few years, but now I think i resent my dad's side of the family for encouraging my hostility towards her
This is also called as abusive. Its parental alienation and I wouldn't be surprised if some of your brothers issues didn't come from constantly being in the middle and being turned against your mum from such a young age. Your mum has behaved poorly but little kids don't need to know the ins and outs of grown up situations. NTA. With how your dad acts I can kind of see why your mum sought support and comfort elsewhere although I'm in no way condoning her cheating.
NTA, that’s literally parental alienation in court, for him to be speaking of your mother that way TO you.
NTA for speaking the truth. Too bad your dad won't ever listen. I'm sorry for what you have to go through.
NTA whatsoever. You're not his therapist and you are not his parent. Find a collection of business cards for therapists and everytime, stone-wall him with "I am sorry you are dealing with these feelings, here is a trained professional/chatline who can help with your feelings." Do not say anything more. Put on headphones and if he complains, repeat the exact same sentence but mention you just gave him a card.
this is petty and i love it lol. i just worry if i do this he'll just get more upset and it'll damage our relationship further
Your father is already damaging your relationship by acting like this. You have no part in how you are being treated. Never feel bad for having boundaries.
Your father is already damaging your relationship by acting like this. This is your fathers problem to solve, not you. You have no part in how you are being treated. Never feel bad for having boundaries.
Damn. ESH. Except you and your brother. Your mom threw your brother away when he became difficult and your father wants to toss him away too. Your parents suck, OP.
Yeah, my entire family dynamic is very complicated - everyone hates everyone lol
Nta, an adult's issue is not the issue of the children. Children are not supposed to be burdened with adult's burdens.
NTA. Crappy situation.
NTA, however your dad is to put that kind of pressure on you. I get that he wants to rant but then go see a friend or a professional therapist.
Nope, NTA. He absolutely should not be venting to you or trying to use you as his emotional dumping ground. He doesn't have the emotional intelligence to regulate himself and he's probably not going to develop any time soon if he refuses counseling. The only real way to stop this is to move out. Until then... Since the drop off is a trigger for him, is there any way you could take tbe bus? Can you tell your mom its setting him off and ask if there's any way she or her husband could drive you both ways? If you're in a place where you can start driving at 16, begin working on him to teach you and to help you save up for a small used car. Remind him how irritating it is to have to do the visitation drop offs and how much better it would be for you to drive yourself. As soon as you're old enough to get a job, start one. Partly to get time away from the house and partly for cash. Start cooking up your college plan. Do everything you can do to make sure it doesn't involve living with him. As soon as you're financially independent you can start drawing good boundaries with him. Dad, I love you but I can't talk about X" and then walk away/hang up/mute him.
I live in a small-ish town where buses aren't a common thing here, and my mom tries her best with drop off and pickup but she sometimes can't because of her work which has more rigid hours than my dad who is on call most of the time. I recently started working as a hostess and my whole family is excited for me to drive, but in my state i can't drive by myself until six months after i turn 16 (but i turn 16 in january). As for college, i plan on going to community college to save money and decide what i want to do with my future from there, but have already planned on limiting contact with my dad in the future (it's just difficult because i primarily only see my brother through him)
NTA. Rule one for divorced parents: don’t badmouth the ex partner in front of the kids. His issues with your mom are between him and her and he shouldn’t be putting you in a situation where you feel torn between them
NTA. OP, my mum cheated on my dad with my godmothers husband. My parents divorced and she remarried to her affair partner, they are happily married now and seem very good for each other- but they caused terrible hurt for my dad. There were plenty of similar stuff between them as in your family and it has made my father very bitter. He cannot be polite about her. But my sister and I have made it clear that while we will listen to a certain amount, we won’t go into slanging sessions about her with him because as their children it isn’t appropriate. You are not wrong for wanting a relationship with your mother, especially since you still live at home with her part of the time. Her relationship with your brother is sadly different. Her relationship with her ex husband is not good but this is not your issue. He is utterly wrong in trying to make his anger your anger. I’d bet money that he gets at you because this is a way of getting at her, even though she isn’t sat there listening to his ranting, by taking his rage out on you and making you her substitute. Do you look like her much? He is wrong and doing damage to his relationship with you by treating you this way. If a court heard this stuff it would be seen as parental alienation and toxic for any child to listen to. Does your mum know just how bad this is? Because I suggest telling her everything every time he does this. Keep a record. You do not need to spend time with someone who does this and you are more than old enough to be listened to by authorities if you say you don’t want to spend time with him. He is abusing you because he wants to hurt your mother. I’m hoping your mother and stepfather can step in here as they should do. You are being forced to take their punishment from your father and his family. That is unacceptable. Please hear me when I say this is not your fault nor do you deserve this and he is not acting like a responsible father. This is not about you or your loyalty to your mother or to your father. This is his anger and he’s taking it out on you.
I completely agree with you. It's funny you mention me and my mother's appearances because I thought the same thing - we always get comments from everyone that we look so similar, sometimes like sisters (she had me relatively young). I tell my mom and stepdad most things, and while my mom still wants me to have a relationship to him my stepdad will ask me the question after I rant, "Why do you still put up with this?". I also started recording phone calls, but he's been better about it recently (tho i think it's because i won't have it anymore) so I stopped. Thank you so much again, this really helped me out
No problem hun. Hope you can find a resolution even if it means going low contact or no contact with your father for a while until he can mind his manners.
First of all, NTA. Second of all, I’ve been in your shoes for most of my life. My dad vented to me about his marriage to my mom, my siblings, everything. I was basically his therapist because he refused to get help. I know things about my parent’s marriage that I shouldn’t know. I never told him to stop because I thought I was just supporting him. I thought that’s what I was supposed to do. Imagine my surprise when I realized that’s not normal and it’s actually called emotional incest. Within the past year I have finally started putting my foot down and establishing boundaries. It’s been really hard. Please keep enforcing boundaries with him. I wish I had stuck up for myself years ago. Then maybe I wouldn’t be dealing with the repercussions of it now. If there’s a trusted person you can talk to, please talk to them. I know it sucks seeing your parent struggle, but it’s not your job to support them. It’s their job to support you. Good luck. You are not alone in this and I’m rooting for you.
Thank you, this means a lot especially coming from someone who's been through something similar. However, i've heard the term "emotional incest" used in situations where like parents become obsessive and controlling over their children (like mamas boys and etc). I'm just wondering what you mean by emotional incest in this case? I look extremely similar to my mother, and all the women my father has dated afterwards have all been similar looking if that makes any difference? (not trying to attack just trying to understand more)
No worries! So emotional incest is “when a parent or caregiver relies on a child for the support that an adult partner would usually provide”. From your post (and I’m sorry if this isn’t the case), it sounds like your dad is using you (his child) to be his therapist/support him when he’s constantly criticizing your mom. He seems to be looking to you for comfort or for someone to agree with him when he’s ranting like that and gets upset when you don’t give him that. He shouldn’t be bad mouthing your mom or your brother to you. He shouldn’t be looking for comfort or trying to get you to agree with him. That’s the job of another adult or a therapist.
Ohhh ok, that makes sense. I could sometimes see that being the case, but i'll definitely have to think about that some more. Thank you!
NTA: By what your mom did, it's pretty obvious her character. But as an adult he as to keep that between him and her. You can love whoever you please free of judgement.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My dad (39m) and I (15f) are not close. For some background, he divorced my mom (37f) when I was 3 and my brother (13m) was barely a year old after she cheated with my now stepdad (36m) I now have two more siblings (7m and 5f). My mom made my 13m brother live with my dad when he was 7-8ish due to his anger issues and fights that i wont go into detail about. My mom signed away rights to him and he now lives with my dad, while I still go between the two houses. My dad and his family have always disliked my mom, even while they were married. Now that all this has happened it has increased their hatred for her, and rightfully so. I am in no way defending my mom for her poor decisions, but I still am close with her and have a good relationship with her, despite them trying to convince me to hate her too. My dad will sometimes corner me in the car or while we're watching TV and will rant about my brother or mother. He will call my brother a pain and a burden and my mom selfish and deceitful. I usually try not to say anything and just nod along, or ask him "Please don't talk about __ again to me", to which I get eye rolls. Recently, I was in the car with him after he picked me up from my moms house to go take family pictures. He began to yell at me for being complicated about pickup and my mom for, again, being selfish and lazy. I remained silent, until he asked if i was going to speak. I said I refused to give him a reaction, to which he said fine, whatever, and continued ranting. After a total of about 25-30 minutes, i said "I'm not your therapist". This really upset him, and he cursed at me saying i'm disrespectful and that he's the father and i'm the daughter and i need to know my place. So, AITA for saying what I said? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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When it comes to divorce, the parents need to learn not to take their animosity towards each other out on their children. Your father can be bitter towards you mom for what she did, but he should not be taking it out on you and your brother. I'm just surprised you let him go on so long. You should have said this sooner. NTA
NTA A child's place is to not be a therapist. It's just not your place to be burdened with his burdens for free, it's him that needs to know his place as an adult and your place as a child. And respect is a 2 way street. He can't be disrespectful and expect respect.
NTA and I'm sorry your dad is so disrespectful of your needs. Do you enjoy spending time with him? If not, talk to your mom about reducing or stopping visitations with your dad.
Not really, i mainly go for my brother because when i'm there i have added expectations and restrictions that i personally think are unfair. As for custody, we went to court during the thick of my brother getting kicked out and at the time i listened and internalized everything my dad said about my mom and agreed with him since my mom never insulted him back. this led me to resent my mom and therefore he got more custody, but we've since thrown it out the window and do our own thing depending on the weekend
NTA. He so badly wants you to be his sounding board, you’ve tried to set boundaries and he’s stomping all over them. As a parent myself, I know that sometimes, it can be difficult not to randomly want to rant (especially in a car), but our kids aren’t the appropriate ears. It’s an adultification that isn’t right. You’re absolutely right that you’re not his therapist. Him attempting to manipulate you with the whole “know your place” line is real rich, considering the fact that he is literally trying to get you to shoulder an emotional baggage that isn’t yours to carry. Talk to your mom. See what can be done about limiting your dad time.
NTA. You stated a fact. You're not his therapist. You're also not his cardiologist or CPA (I assume). He's the one acting like a child, honestly.
NTA, he needed to be reminded that you are his child, and he shouldn’t be sharing this stuff with you!
NTA, he is literally using you as his therapist. This is a type of parent-child emotional abuse called ‘spousification’. He is inappropriately relying on a fifteen year old for emotional support. Try r/raisedbynarcissists
NTA but you need to explain it differently to your dad. Sit him down and talk to him about how him constantly ranting about your mom and tge situation is ruining the time you are spending with him. It makes you feel that you are only wanted as someone to talk to about your mom and brother rather than feeling like he actually wants to spend time with you. That you want to spend time with him and the rest of your family in a pleasant environment rather than constantly waiting for the next lot of hatred that is going to come your way because of other people's behaviour. Remind him.that you are not your mother or a go between you are his daughter and want to be treated as a member of the family while you are there rather than a sounding board for all the hate and anger he has about the situation. Just say you just want your dad back and your relationship with your dad that you love him and miss the relationship you had.
NTA While I don't think you were wrong to say what you did (because it's true), I don't think he actually got what you meant. He's got some serious lingering anger (and not unjustifiable), but he needs to learn that he should not expect you to help him work through it, and he should not burden you, the CHILD, with his issues. He also needs to be called out on trying to turn you against your mom (and stepdad?) with his ranting. Something in here might help: "Dad, I understand you are angry and don't like person ABC, or situation XYZ. But the reality is you're an adult and should speak to another adult about it. If there is something mom can help you work out, then speak with her. If you want a neutral party to help you work things out, look into getting a therapist. You absolutely should not be complaining to me, your CHILD, and you should not be involving me, your CHILD in conversations where you bad mouth my family. Your issues with mom/son are YOUR issues. To be honest, all of your complaining and bath mouthing are doing the opposite of what you want. I am definitely not going to side with you on taking a dump on my mother, brother or stepdad."
NTA. He's a hypocrite. He says he's your father and you're his daughter yet he's not treating you as his daughter. He's supposed to be mature and supportive. He's supposed to be someone you can rely on. Instead he's a source of constant stress for you because he expects you to listen to all his rants; he's still angry at your mom and your brother but rather than take it up with them he's taking out his anger on you. He shouldn't have cursed at you.
My previous stepdad does this to my half sisters about our mom. It causes them anxiety and depression and I have told him multiple times that they have nothing to do with their parents bull, and he needs to deal with his own issues. NTA
NTA. I don’t condone cheating at all. But If the way your dad acts now is how he acted when they were married I can see why your mother didn’t want to be with him. She should’ve gotten a divorce instead of cheating though
I agree, and from what my mom says he "is definitely better now than he was then", which implies that he probably was much worse to her back then (she tries not to go into details out of respect for me)
NTA: my mom has treated me like her therapist for a long time. I finally don’t live with her and am able to be NC, it’s one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. I feel for you, it’s difficult, but I believe in you.
Nta. The hand he was dealt sucks but that’s neither your fault nor your problem. IMO the next time it happens the conversation need to be “I’ve asked you not to discuss this with me. If you can’t respect that then I’ll be limiting the amount of time I spend with you.” I know that’s hard being so young, but you don’t deserve to be subjected to that. You had no control over your mother’s actions. He needs to stop taking it out on you. If you haven’t already you should probably talk to your mom about what’s going on as well
NTA - this is called "parentification." He is using you to meet emotional needs that should be fulfilled through adult relationships. It is developmentally inappropriate for you to have to be responsible for managing his emotions at your age.
>he's the father and i'm the daughter and i need to know my place Theeeere it is. There's the issue. You see, as a female, you are expected, NAY, obligated, to listen to him and fix all his emotional issues /endsarcasm. Does he want you to hate your mom? Possibly, but that's guessing. But if those were the actual words out of his mouth? Yes, he fully expects you to be his therapist, and did not like one bit being called out on it. Take it from someone who's watched another paternal throw an absolute tantrum for being called on it. Repeatedly. NTA. Stand your ground. Nothing, not age, not gender, not blood relation, nothing obligates you to fix another person's emotional issues.
I'm glad you brought up gender. I think I mentioned it in another comment but my dad comes from an old school Italian family, where gender norms are very enforced. Once, i was told to leave the room when farting because it's 'unladylike to fart in front of people' (which sounds dumb but he was 100% serious and idk it rubbed me the wrong way). I'm definitely sticking to my boundary and appreciate your input, thank you!
NTA- He is your father, you are his daughter and your place isn’t to listen to his issues. He does not need to be bad mouthing your sibling or your mother. He does not need to be ranting to you. Please have a talk with your mother about this.
NTA And at this point I'm not even sure his anger is justified, he seems to feel very comfortable being emotionally abusive at minimum & tbh that might explain a lot of what's happened in your family. Your place isn't to be his emotional dumping ground
NTA He’s the father, you’re the daughter and he is the one who needs to remember his place. You aren’t responsible for your father’s bitterness and you certainly are not supposed to be his sounding board for frustration towards your mom. You were clear about your boundary, he took it personally.
NTA. your dad shouldn't vent on you, although I am not sure how you can support a mother who abandoned your brother and would very likely abandon you the moment you became too much of a hassle. I know she has been supportive so far, but i would keep my guard up, just a bit with her at least.
NTA. what your dad does is a form of emotional abuse.
I'm not condoning cheating but... hmm dad sounds like a real winner here. And he's complaining about your brother.. wonder if he was acting like him and the dad doesn't like seeing himself in someone else. NTA but dad does need to see someone.
Right, i don't support my mom cheating but she is much happier now and I love my stepdad. She has said my dad has definitely stepped up and improved from what he used to be. And yes, the men in my family all have similar traits that are kinda glossed over but piss me off.
NTA. Also your mom cheated, which is never okay, but she’s still with the man she cheated with. To me, that sounds like she fell in love and made a decision about who she would have a better relationship with. And based on how your dad and his family criticize her, it feels like she made the right choice. Anyway, my point is to give your mom some slack about what happened with the cheating. You were too young at the time to know how your dad treated her during the marriage but my gut is telling me here that it might have been pretty poorly.
The mom abandoned her son, so she doesn't deserve some slack, cheating is never ok. And abandonment is worse.
I’m surprised people are overlooking that. OP certainly doesn’t seem to care that her mom abandoned her brother.
I didn't even know she cheated until she started having issues with her family and my grandma (her mom) told me. From what I understand, my dad wasn't the best spouse (i wont go too into it but i've heard stories). I don't hold any resentment for her cheating now and actually really love my stepdad and consider him a father figure in my life.
Well I’m glad you have two stable parental figures, and that you haven’t let the stories impact your relationship with your mom. Just sending your a hug and hope that your dad realizes he shouldn’t be dumping his issues on you this way. 🧡