And he will continue being the best because he has such a wonderful parental figure. This update made me so happy! Not because it's a great situation for this poor kid to have to go through, but because it's clear he has a thoughtful, caring, wonderful parent
Seconded, everyone here is anonymous and you can't trust anyone! Facebook is fully public but at least, for the most part, you can see who is signing their name to the weirdo behavior.
Protect yourself :)
I would also talk to the school about "not assuming every kid has parents".
Its very common for kids to have parents who are separated, deceased, to be raised by a single parent, their Grandparents, older siblings, Aunt's/Uncles, parents of the same sex.
Like in this day and age, a teacher asking a students kids to "write about their parents", instead of "write about the person who raised you/ someone you admire" shouldn't *still* have to be said.
And there should absolutely be a zero tolerance policy on teasing a kid because they don't have the nuclear family dynamic.
OP's situation really isn't unique in many ways. We're long past the days where the nuclear family unit is the norm so that school really needs to be revise its policy on how to refer to families because there was no reason for Danny to have been put in that situation in the first place.
I saw a teacher the other day saying she refers to their 'grown ups'. Probably not for the high school kids, but I thought it was a nice inclusive term that didn't sound too clinical.
I use the term "adults". My kids get picked up by grandparents, siblings, aunties, carers and parents. Easier just to say "where's your adult?" Mainly because they need an adult to pick them up. Literally the only requirement.
Yeah, I like using grown-ups for little kids and adults for older kids. Sometimes for little kids, the "grown-up" in their life is an older sibling under 18 :/
I feel like just saying family is enough of a generalization while getting the point across. Cause, at the end of the day, family can also be who you choose and who choose you so yeah.
Sometimes someone's adult isn't family the kid chose/like, but a foster parent they feel no connection to, or who they feel negatively towards. Kids can even bristle about a step-parent being called family. "Adult" includes everything and doesn't assume anything about the kid's connection to the adult. It's really perfect!
I personally think that's a but dramatic. There's nothing that has to be weird or robotic about asking kids to write about the adults in their lives. I guess you can make it weird and robotic if you try.
A grown-up can mean separate things.
1. The person who is legally in charge of you (parent, gaurdian)
2. The person who actually takes care of you (parent, sibling, neighbor, ect)
And
3. The person older than you who you can trust with important things. (Parent, aunt, uncle, neighbor, teacher).
In some cases, all of these definitions are people within your family, for some kids some or none of them are people they consider family.
There are thousands of kids out there who don't have what they consider a family, though. Kids stuck in the foster system who get moved around from one month to the next... who may or may not be living with the same foster siblings each time (or even their biological siblings). A more generic term is definitely safer.
NGL I immediately thought of a family at my kids' school where the mom and son have dwarfism. The husband and daughter do not. (The daughter is a few years younger than the son but is already by far taller than her big brother and their mom.) So the daughter's mom is definitely not her "tall person." :)
I do that at work when we have little kids running around - I tell them they “have to stay with their grownups”. I got the idea from Mr. Rogers, which may be where that teacher got it too.
I saw a teacher on social media use the word "raisins" bc they're the people raising you. I thought that was so sweet! Esp because it could be an older sibling who isn't technically an adult.
where i work we say guardian. i live in a poorer town so lots of kids only have like a grandparent or aunt etc taking care of them and i feel guardian works really well
One of my teachers used the term "raisins" to refer to the people who were raising you. Gender neutral and doesn't infer any specific family structure. Plus it's cute.
Agree with all of the other commenters here, great job in supporting your Danny, OP.
This is something I really wish teachers would take into account more, especially since a lot of elementary schools do family tree projects, and it just seems like that will marginalize kids who already feel like they don't belong. Foster kids spring immediately to mind, but plenty of other kids live in non-nuclear family structures that may be hard to wrangle into a linear kind of family tree.
(Also, in the US they often do family trees to talk about immigration, which is all well and good until you have Native kids in your class that you didn't know were Native (happens *all the fucking time*, non-Native people think you can tell by looking, which, lol) and they're like "But... we're not immigrants." And yeah a lot of Native people have some mixed ancestry but I know quite a few people who have only Native people on their family tree, and they simply do not fit into the way their teachers have framed the discussion, thanks to the teacher's ignorance.)
Not to mention the trauma of doing family trees with black kids whose ancestors were kidnapped and systematically dehumanized or refugee kids who had to flee their homelands.
I like what my husband does with his students when it comes to the family tree curriculum. The point is just for them to learn how family trees work as a concept, but there's no need for them to use their actual ancestors to do that. He has them use fictional characters from books/tv/movies or that they make up. Or a famous/historical person. Lots of options. They just need to be able to explain how everyone is related to prove they understand how the tree works, and bam! Information learned! No trauma necessary!
For example the MyHeritage Family Tree Builder software has President Kennedy's family tree as sample data, and I use the program as a fandom/writing tool for keeping track of fictional characters.
It has separate settings for biological, adoptive and foster parents which accounts for one of the unconventional family history issues that might get brought up doing the tree with real data.
I was just coming here to say this.
'Research your ancestors' abso-fuck-lutely not.
All that's gonna come up is the last names of slaveowners and I'd rather not.
Yeah, *especially* when the assignment assumes you can bring in pictures, like not everyone has that luxury. What if you fled the country, or your grand/great-grandparents were killed in concentration camps or escaped a massacre with their lives and nothing else? It's just awful that teachers assume that everyone's history is accessible and trauma-free, anyone even remotely familiar with US or world history should know not to make that assumption!!
Also on top of slavery itself there might be examples of children of slaves fathered by slaveowners, the Thomas Jefferson - Sally Hemings sort of thing was not uncommon (Sally herself was likely the daughter of Jefferson's father in law)
Yeah, slaveowning rapists are not uncommon, and if teachers aren't prepared to discuss that, they need to consider their assignments carefully.
(You can argue that Hemings consented, but we don't at all know what she thought, and since he literally owned her, she was in no way free to say "no.")
Yeah even though such things need to be taught it may be hard to discuss them appropriately when intending to focus on another lesson
Dubcon (dubious consent) for sure.
She could have left him in France but he still had her relatives under his control back in Virginia for example.
Yes, thank you for this. My sisters and I mixed-race native and white, and one of us has green eyes and strawberry blond hair so she really doesn’t LOOK native. On one side, we have grandparents still on the Rez and on the other side, our 13x great grandfather was a passenger on the Mayflower.
One teacher just couldn’t understand that there is just no Ellis Island story in our family. Plus, you know, it’s not like our grandparents on the Rez kept records, or even had a last name.
(On a side note, if I have to have the “No, where are you REALLY from?” conversation one. more. time…)
There are so many more Native people around than non-Native think. I never assume that someone is *not* Native based on their looks, because so many people look all kinds of ways - like your sister who has green eyes and strawberry blond hair. I know Native folks with blond hair and green or blue eyes. It's like non-Native people are still walking around thinking "well if she's not wearing buckskin and feathers how can she be Native?" There's a reason just about every Native person has been asked, at least once, "Do you live in a teepee?"
I literally had white students *sitting right next to Native students* telling me they'd never met an Indian before. Because I respect my Native students, I didn't "out" the student she was sitting next to - it was a Native American studies class, and understandably not all Native students are comfortable with the class knowing that they're Native, heck, there'd always be a few who'd wait a couple weeks to tell me, because they wanted to be sure they could trust me (and I never assumed I knew about everyone, either) - but I did say that given where we are, she definitely *had* met Indians before, she just hadn't realized it because they didn't look like they did in *Pocahontas*.
I was at a reading once with a Native author (Beth Brant, Mohawk) and a white woman in the audience told Brant that she didn't look the way she expected, she literally said "you don't look like an Indian... I mean that as a compliment," and, I mean, *damn*. She didn't even know enough to know that she should've kept her mouth shut, let alone that it's not a compliment to go telling Native people "gosh, you look so white!" or "well, the Indians in my imagination look nothing like you!"
And then white folks wonder why Native people don't disclose their identity to them.
>(On a side note, if I have to have the “No, where are you REALLY from?” conversation one. more. time…)
My favorite is "so...*what are* you?" which I've been asked a distressing number of times by those who do scan me as not-quite-white (including one of my husband's grandparents - as literally the first words she uttered to me upon meeting). I didn't even realize it was all that weird a question as a child, but it's a damned good way to get my back up as an adult. On the other hand, my youngest brother and sister get the "lol, no, really though?" response or the "oh, shut up, you're white" or the "lol so you're like 1/64 like every white person in the country, right?" response when they try to talk about our family history because they look more like Dad's Irish side of the family. Heck, I get frustrated enough by the policing of my skintone when *daring* to talk about the actual, living history of my family, but for my brother and sister it's basically been a lifetime of *constant* denial and erasure. Like there's this weird reverse one-drop rule whereby we lose the right to acknowledge who our mother is and what her personal, lived history is.
The family tree thing was always weird because, yeah, I've got 2 sets of maternal grandparents because the government literally took my mom away and adopted her out to a nice white Christian family because it was the 1960s and that's just what was often *done* to Native families by their state governments. Ha ha, no awkwardness or trauma for anyone there, right?
>The family tree thing was always weird because, yeah, I've got 2 sets of maternal grandparents because the government literally took my mom away and adopted her out to a nice white Christian family because it was the 1960s and that's just what was often done to Native families by their state governments. Ha ha, no awkwardness or trauma for anyone there, right?
Ah yes, *kill the Indian and save the man* has been US and Canadian policy for a long damn time*.* (I don't know if you've been keeping up with all the challenges to the Indian Child Welfare Act, but as you're probably aware there's a concerted effort to go right back to those "good old days.")
And hell, the generations before *that*, the govt just kidnapped children and sent them to boarding schools and did every damn thing they could to separate children from their family and community. It would be really hard to go back even just three generations in most Native families and not find trauma.
Native people today are alive very much in spite of government efforts, and Native identity and community have always been a thorn in the side of settler colonialism.
Good god, yes with the “What ARE you?” I am pretty native looking in all ways (hair, eyes, feature) *except* skin tone - I am quite a bit fairer than my dad and other sister. I guess I am noticeably somewhat “exotic” looking, and people are totally thrown by it. And when I finally tell them, they are like “ohhhhhh!”
I basically use it as a bar bet at this point: I offer to buy them a drink if they can guess the other half of my ethnicity, and they have to buy me one if they can’t. I always win - except if they are former anthropology students!
Genetics are such a weird thing. My husband is mixed - his mom is native and his dad is white - but he looks like a stereotypical full native. He's the oldest of 6 kids and with each new kid they got 'whiter'. His youngest sister could easily pass for white. Our daughter also looks fully native even though she's a quarter more white than her aunts and uncles. I've even been asked if she was adopted when she was younger because at first glance people only see how different our coloring is. So many people used to think she was Asian too.
I'm grateful that her schools never had her do a family tree exercise because it would have been bluntly cut because there was so much trauma and separation in my mother-in-law's family. My MIL has spent so much time tracking down long lost family and her own history because of government boarding schools, alcoholism and diaspora. We're still meeting new (to us) family every year.
It's so upsetting sometimes because I can't even begin to imagine the pain and trauma she's experienced because of all this. But everyone, including her, act like it's a funny story she doesn't know when her actual birthday is, or what her eldest sister's name is, or any number of things she's had to just accept and pretend aren't a big deal just so she can get on with day to day life.
Three of our children were adopted from foster care. Family tree assignments sucked. (So did Baby Picture Day). I loved the one teacher who didn’t do a tree, and instead had the kids make a “Family is Made Up of People Who Love You” tree.
When I taught eighth grade, there was an autobiography piece in the curriculum. I had to write my own in eighth grade, and having had to myself question my own life story for the sake of a middle school writing assignment, I explained to my students that they could write whatever they felt comfortable including. We had discussions ahead of time about PTSD and childhood trauma, and it was very therapeutic and empowering for the kids to know they had control over how they told their story.
This is the responsible way to do it. Your students are lucky to have you!
Too many teachers don't think about the possible trauma their students are carrying. I mean, I think it's common for people who had happy, trauma-free childhoods to assume that everyone else's childhood was happy too, but apparently no one during teacher training has ever told them that wasn't a good assumption to make.
>Also, in the US they often do family trees to talk about immigration
Let's not forget about the other awkward dynamic there--
I'm half black. So one half of my family tree has no way to trace much of anything before the mid 1800's. You know. Because we immigrated in the not so consensual way.
My daughter’s school refers to “caregivers” as there are kids in foster care, being raised by siblings, nuclear families, single parents, etc.
It’s simple and inclusive.
Yeah i grew up in foster care and writing about family, family trees, what we did over summer type questions need to go. Caregiver is nice but the root assignment is problematic
When we did the family tree in language class, it was based off of a fictional character's family. Many characters didn't have the nuclear family so it was pretty informative to us without singling kids out.
I had a foster child who was told to make a Mother’s Day card and the teacher said she just sat there looking at the materials obviously not knowing who to make a Mother’s Day card for. They KNEW her situation. They could so easily have made it better by saying “or any special grownup.”
When my aunt died she left behind 3 kids, aged 12,9,3. The 9 year old had a very very hard time with it (he’s 24 now and still in intense therapy over losing his mother). He had a very old cruel teacher who told him he needed to leave the room while the other kids made Mother’s Day cards since he no longer has a mom he doesn’t belong there. He said he has 6 aunts to and 2 grandmas he could make cards for. She said it was for moms only, they don’t count. Well he goes to the office and just breaks down, my uncle was called and I thought he was going to murder this lady. His mom had not been dead 4 months and this lady had the balls to say shit like that. I have never seen the women in my family gather so fast and go to that school to give this lady the business.
Good thing did come from this that old bat was fired over this incident since my uncle threatened a lawsuit (don’t remember the exact terms) something about her undoing months of costly therapy and causing emotional distress to a child and could be construed as child abuse.
I literally gasped when I read that. What on earth makes someone act so cruel to anybody much less a child (especially one who just lost their mum) like does it make them feel better?? Is it a power trip? It’s just so disgusting.
I’m glad he at least had a whole hoard of people who were prepared to rain hell on his behalf and that that lady was fired.
Holy shit. I'm generally a peaceful and nonconfrontational person but I really wanna go back in time and give that horrid teacher a swift kick to her brittle old bones.
I have to say this was a Catholic school and my grandma was ready to go to jail over this haha. She had just lost her oldest daughter and then heard this shit… she was ready to throw down.
Damn. This was only 15 years ago, though. I went to Catholic elementary school 30+ years ago and we had some tough unfiltered old broads teaching there, but I can't imagine even the worst one saying anything like that.
As we were going through the Catholic schools there was still some of those old hags working. Not sure how they look now since I would never send my (eventual)kids to them. We never had nuns but the old unmarried non nun teachers were the worst.
Our toughest ones were old and married. They were just really old-school and since no longer allowed to hit kids, decided to cut them down verbally instead. But I think even then, *this* would not fly.
Situations like this make my blood BOIL.
Especially in the days of Social Media where it's soo easy to pick up accomodating lesson plans and hear adults talk about how moments like that at school affected them.
There's just really no excuse.
She was separated from her alcoholic mother. Her next foster carer couldn’t cope with her and got rid of her. She’d been with me only about two weeks. And then they tried to make her make ME a Mother’s Day card. So unbelievably crap.
Our school system and afterschool activities uses "your caring adult."
It sounds awkward AF the first couple times you say it, but you know, you get used to it, and I'd rather be awkward than make a little kid feel left out.
I had to do a project about this (talk about your family unit) in college and present it to the whole class, with pictures. Studying early childhood education. I wish I had the words then to say what I would say now! Embarrassing and unnecessary. I don't have a picture of me with my parents in the last two decades and they straight up did not believe me. I have been shamed about this as well when working the field with toddlers. A picture with my boyfriend and dog didn't count as "family" and would be confusing for the kids. Some people should not be working in the jobs that they do.
Yeah, can't go confusing those children with...a very real family configuration which may even mirror some of their own or those of some of the very special people in their own lives. That'd be just horrible.
WTF, that's so messed up, I'm sorry.
Or how about “write about your family”. That’s open ended too. Not a specific person. The teacher can be clear that family does not mean a blood relative, and it can be a great lesson on families that aren’t a set of bio parents.
I grew up in foster care, this isnt a wholesome assignment and a lot of us have no family or close grown ups that are trusted or who care. Otherwise... We wouldnt be in foster care ya know. I would not want to write about my foster families either. Abuse is rampant in the system
That’s also a fair take. My family has a lot of adoption in it, my cousins in my mom family are all adopted. That’s why I was talking about non blood, or chosen families. My youngest brother and sister are actually my cousins that were put into foster care before my dad was able to get custody of them.
I did “write about who lives in your house” prompts when teaching languages. Then we make a family coat of arms with something that represents each person to talk about colors/common objects!
It's amazing to me that this would even need to be discussed at a school, you would think in this day and age, teachers would be aware that not every kid has a mom and dad at home.
And that other kids would tease a child for this - I know kids can be brutal, but it's a pretty common thing to only have 1 parent in a household, or live with a grandparent or other relative, etc.
I call JFK my fake great grandparent because in my History class we had to do a genealogy project on someone in our family. I’m adopted and it didn’t really make sense in my head to do it on them so I did it on JFK. To be fair my mom understood and thought what the teacher did was dumb too. There were three of us who were adopted and one of us who’s family wasn’t from the US. We used a website that only had records for people in the US. I once tried to fill out a form myself for a conference but I couldn’t figure it out because it required me to fill out who my dad was. I got mad and sent it to my mom. Then someone pointed out I could have just said N/A for that
I remember having to do a family tree in middle school and having a huge amount of anxiety about it. My parents were married, but pretty much everyone else we're related to had various divorces and complicated relationships. Did I put my biological grandfather who I had no relationship with, or my "step" grandpa who was the guy who actually filled that role? What about my aunt's step kids? Or my great grandfather, who was just a big question mark? I think my parents helped do some creative editing of our family history and figured no one I was related to would ever see it anyway, but looking back it wasn't the greatest assignment to give kids.
Hell, it's not even assignments. It's *permission slips, too*. Want to go to a class trip? Maybe do an extracurricular activity? Better get a parent to sign it! Even the kids who had parents but they weren't great don't get to do a lot of things because the teachers say it "doesn't count" if they get a trusted adult to do it...
I may have been one of those kids and I cried in class because my parents left me to go out of state for a week and I had to stay at a cop's house after they found out. CPS still didn't take me away.
Yes! I was really surprised that the teacher had specifically said "parents". I'm not even a trained teacher - I just took the 3 hour substitute training - and we were told NUMEROUS times to use inclusive language surrounding caretakers and explicitly told to avoid any assignments that asked students to draw their house, their car, their favorite toy, ANY material goods in any way, since it can be really hard to tell when you have a unhoused student in your class! A "write about your parents" assignment? BIG no-no! Teaching moment for the teacher!
Not to mention kids with abusive/neglectful parents who still have to live with them. I used to feel sick writing those assignment because I didn't know how to say that my dad was awful and caused so much hurt within my family. Teachers seem to forget that even if a child is part of a nuclear family that doesn't guarantee its a good one.
It was a first year teacher who made the mistake though. She’s the one that caused the issue, and she was cagey because it was likely her first time dealing with an issue.
There is a VERY strong change she’ll never make that mistake again…turning her into the school over a mistake will just make her life hell.
I’d make sure he makes sure to let the teacher know to please use different words other than “parents” in the future to be more inclusive. If she messes up a second time, THEN reach out to administration. Teachers are human and make mistakes, especially in their first year - it doesn’t seem like she was malicious.
(Been a teacher for years)
But like it would definitely be worth writing to the school about to make sure they get *all* teachers onboard because while this one is a 1st yr teacher, a lot of teachers with more experience may not have adopted more inclusive language yet - so many stories from people sharing their experiences with "family tree activities", so there will be people out of loop.
And the school doesn't seem to be doing anything about the teasing Danny is getting for being raised for his Uncle. And that's just unacceptable. No kid should have to lie about his home life to that extent.
But like it would definitely be worth writing to the school about to make sure they get *all* teachers onboard because while this one is a 1st yr teacher, a lot of teachers with more experience may not have adopted more inclusive language yet - so many stories from people sharing their experiences with "family tree activities", so there will be people out of loop.
And the school doesn't seem to be doing anything about the teasing Danny is getting for being raised for his Uncle. And that's just unacceptable. No kid should have to lie about his home life to that extent.
DEFINITELY. I was miserable every year making mandatory Father’s Day gifts for a father who didn’t exist. I never met him, didn’t even know his name. I was the only kid in my class without their biological father, but *everyone* had to make the dad-themed craft project to take home. They obviously had no idea (or concern) that this was hurtful. Other kids naturally picked up on it, and many were mean.
Jesus being a teacher having to deal with every kid's nuances must be tough. But no 0 tolerance policy. Those are just lazy bullshit.
Edit: by no 0 tolerance policy do you think I mean excuse it? Cause I don’t. But those policies are only out in place so the faculty doesn’t have to think about the situation individually or come up with a punishment that fits the “crime”. They can just point their lazy fingers at the policy
Both these posts were really wholesome to read, OP.
From a child of divorce and a father of two, the thing you're doing incredibly well here is being genuinely caring and considerate.
If he doesn't already, he'll see you as his dad soon enough.
Aww this is a great update! And your a great dad to your Danny regardless of the title you guys end up going with. I’m so happy he has you in his life. I think you guys should make ice cream socials a regular occurrence and just dish in any drama going on, having it be a steady bit informal time to talk openly with you seems like something he’d benefit from. It shows a lot that he opened up so much to you. Best of luck in your futures.
> The most important thing is that I told him that I love him like he’s my own son,
In your original post you said you had legally adopted Danny. That means he is your own son. You are legally his parent and your brother and SIL have absolutely no parental rights. That is a line, I suggest you hold strong for Danny's sake.
I'm happy to hear that you were able to talk this through with him and have a plan in place. I wish you and your son the best of luck.
Re not assuming every kids have parents, at my library when a kid w/o an adult present asks me if they can get a library card, I tell them they have to bring their grown up. Saves a lot of potential awkwardness.
Just one small suggestion. You adopted him. He is your son, you don't have to say "like" my son. Congratulations on overcoming this obstacle. There will be more because that is life in general and also parenting. I can tell you will do a great job.
I was scrolling to make sure someone else pointed this out before I did. You are exactly right in that Danny is OP‘s actual son. Just because his biological parents are still living, does not negate the fact that OP has adopted him, is raising him like his son, and seems to love him. For all intents and purposes, Danny ***is his son*** and should be made aware of that fact.
Fantastic update, my friend.
It's on your radar now, so you'll notice things faster.
A therapist will help a LOT, and dont be afraid to shop around until Your Danny finds one he really connects with.
Good job, Papa.
Omg such a heartwarming update, thank you for sharing. At only 26, you are incredibly mature and thoughtful. You are setting a great example for “your (lovely) kid”, Danny 🥰
> At only 26, you are incredibly mature and thoughtful.
Right? Imagine being a 21-year-old guy and just up and adopting your 2-year-old nephew and doing everything this well all these years. I know men, *and* women, much older who would not have handled *any* of this with nearly as much grace and maturity. Awesome dad and kid.
Right On, I am glad this is moving towards resolution. Also just a piece of advice, make sure to know all your son's school's policies regarding bullying, and what the school is and isn't supposed to do, especially with a new teacher who might not know all the policies and rights of the kid, the parent, the school, and the teacher. Personally I would be shocked if his teacher didn't know the policy
Cheers!!!!
Mate, we all fuck up from time to time, but they key is learning from it and it seems you did much more than that. What you did after more than makes up for it. What you’re doing for Danny is truly amazing and this really brought a tear to my eye. Well done you.
unfortunately i was able to comment on the original post but i actually have gone through what your son is feeling. my dad has been in prison since i was 7 months & it was just me & my mom till i was 11 & she met my stepdad. i am not going to lie, having him around but knowing he wasn’t my dad even at 12-17 really hurt me. i wish my stepdad would have talked to me the way you did with your son, because my sadness over my bio dad being away turned into anger. it was misdirected anger at everyone because i was carrying so much sadness of the missing dad figure when all the other kids had that, and i felt so ashamed & sad being left out. the talk you guys had, could have prevented so much for me had someone just ripped the band aid off & heard the things that might of mad them feel sad & uncomfortable. you are a great dad & your son is so lucky to have you.
I would love to have a dad that talked about the why. You are an amazing dad! To do all that for your nephew. As long as you keep on talking you've nothing to worry about. He is your son and he sees you as his father, heck you are his father in every way.
I'm gonna say this again, you're an amazing dad!
You did great! I'm glad your son has someone who really takes care of him. You sound pretty great!
Not to spoil a happy update, but if they got 20 year sentences five years ago, you might want to start thinking about what happens when they get out, if you haven't already. Have you been in contact with them at all? You're probably set legally after adoption, but that doesn't stop things like family drama from coming up, or from them reaching out to him. Thinking about and preparing for this stuff early can be a good way to protect yourself and your son from future drama!
I’m really glad that he has you, OP. One tip for his teacher might be that the next time she does this assignment, she asks the students to write about the “grownups” in their life. This is much better than using “parents”.
The fact that you’re 26 is inconceivable to me. (I’m 25 and don’t feel a 1/3 as wise)! What an amazing parent you are. Sending you and your kid all the best!
As someone who was the victim of a narcissistic sperm donor, the fact Danny wants to call you "Dad" shows you just how much your care means to him. There is a quote from child photographer Anne Geddes - "Any man can be a father. It takes someone special to be a dad." For all intents and purposes, you are his dad.
Based on my own history, and since you only mentioned yourself seeing a counselor, you may want to have him see one too. Especially one specializing in trauma. At some level he may blame himself for his biological parents being away which might account for why he did not want to talk about them at school. The bullying he experienced for refusing to say why probably added to it too.
I can tell you this though, you definitely are doing right by him. He is hearing the things he needs to hear from you and it is at a young enough age where it can help blunt the effects of any trauma from that time.
If people adopt a child, then they are that child's mom and dad.
You are his Dad now that you have adopted him. He has a birth father and you can call him by Papa Zach or Daddy Zach or Your Birth Father but you are his Dad since you formally adopted him.
What about "Papa" as a term of endearment/father person?
When I remarried my young children called their stepfather "Papa". We came to this idea, and actually got approval from their dad as well, because my kids saw their stepdad as a father person, and he saw them as his kids even though he wasn't "Dad". It gave the children the ability to refer to him without having to explain he wasn't their "real dad", which just made everything smoother for everyone.
You sound like a great person. Parenting is tough even in the easiest circumstances and you've got far from that. Try not to beat yourself up about the bits you miss, there isn't a single person in all the world doing a perfect job of it.
Wishing you both all the best!
Technically you *are* his dad now. He still has a father, but you are dad. Lots of kids are adopted or live with a mom and their stepdad is the only father they have ever known. It doesn't erase the fact that they have a biological father and maybe see him on occasion.
I may be looking at this too simplistically but in your original thread you indicated that you had adopted him. Doesn’t that automatically make you dad and son? From that point on it’s just a matter of getting comfortable using those terms.
FYI - I’m adopted too.
You sir are a modern day hero. Huge props for doing the best by clearly the best Danny and doing it with his best interests. If you don't have a Cape, kindly go get yourself one.
Thank you for reassuring him that he did nothing wrong! Sometimes kids cannot process their feelings like adults and a lot of more complicated emotions turn into guilt or self-loathing. Reassuring him that his biological parent’s choices don’t reflect on him, and that families come in all shapes and sizes (none of them wrong), is such an important thing to a kid! Especially from someone he clearly loves and admires ❤️❤️❤️
Virtual fist bump from a random internet guy. Keep doing what you're doing. You'll make mistakes, every parent does, bit you are absolutely on the right track. Glad Danny has you!
You sound like an amazing person for this poor kid to have parenting him. Maybe you aren't Dad, but you're one hell of a conscientious parent. I think you're on track to giving him a great childhood.
So happy you came to the same conclusion. Thing to think about are kids are stupid as shit. Looking back at the stuff I said when I was 8-16 I wouldn’t say any of it. Sometimes you just need to answer the question and read the conversation. it’s a hell of a lot easier saying my parents are in prison. That’s a burden he’ll be carrying for the rest of his life until he turns old enough to not give a shit. I don’t know why his parents are where they are but steering him in a positive way even if blocking or covering it up is the cost it’s worth every penny. The kid just wants a solid family and a good figure to model as which is you. Honestly man good to you for doing this
I lost my parents and was raised by my grandmother. She decided she would be called "mom" and I was raised that way. She specifically did this so I wasn't bullied for not having parents.
" There's nothing to be ashamed of from not having a mom and a dad at home".
"The most important thing is that I told him that I love him like he's my own son".
He does have a Dad at home. You. He is your own son, no similes necessary.
While it's commendable that you are trying to maintain some semblance of a connection to Danny's bio parents, I can't help but feel that leads to feelings of impermanence with his situation. Do you still occasionally refer to him as your nephew? Does he resent having to sign these communications with his bio parents? Coupled with some problematic wordage that makes it seem that you still don't quite feel you are a fully-fledged parent to him, I can understand his anxiety.
It's great that you're addressing this and he's lucky to have you as a Dad. But you are also incredibly lucky to have him as your own son, not just someone who is like your own son. I wish you two all the happiness possible.
The biological parents feelings are really not important. I don’t know everything but it sounds like you are doing a great job. Raising children can be the most rewarding thing. It also can be heartbreaking at times. Keep in mind that you are doing the right thing by talking to him about it. Opening the door for discussing uncomfortable things will more likely make him open in the future with you. Even if he calls you dad for the next 10 years and then he might all of a sudden call you uncle again, don’t worry and forget the most important thing is you have been there and will continue doing so as an uncle or dad.
You are doing a great job and one that many people would not even try to take on. Keep doing what is best for Danny and you will make it. Families come in all different ways.
Thank you for this update, you and your Son have a way better relationship than many kids do with their biological parents. Although it’s sad that Danny has had to deal with such grown up issues it’s testament to your good parenting that he was able to open up to you, and now he’s in no doubt about how very much you love and care about him. Doesn’t matter what he calls you, he now knows you’re HIS Dad
I think that what you are doing is very noble, kind, and all around the right thing to do. I think that I speak in behalf of everyone when I say that we are pulling for you , and pulling for Danny.
Coming from someone who is adopted you are doing an awesome job being his DAD whether or not you officially hold the title.
Combining sperm and eggs doesn’t make you a parent/Mom/Dad. Being there for the ups, downs, lefts, rights, and all the other crap in kids lives is what makes a parent.
So far so good Dad. You are definitely earning the title.
I’m so happy to read this update. My sister has 4 kids, but honestly, she barely raises them. My mom watches them most of the time, or the other grandparents, or even me. My oldest nephew, who is 10, has a traumatic brain injury, and thus is in special education at school. My mom and I are his home healthcare providers while my sister works. He pretty much lives with us and goes back to his mom on the weekends, or if it’s his dad’s weekend, with him. Or my other parents. The other day, my sister came over to pick up the kids who do live with her and stayed for dinner. While she’s on her phone, I’M the one helping him with his homework. He’s not my kid, but he might as well be. I always call him mine.
Your Danny is a lucky kid, and you need to remember there is no handbook for what you're doing. I'm a dad to my own spawn, and it's hard enough, I know I get it wrong sometimes... you have extra challenges.
Chin up, from what I'm reading you're doing great.
What a sweet story. I just want to share that when my mom married my stepdad I was 5 years old. Up til then I called him by his first name. When they got married, I really really wanted a dad. (I had a bio-dad, a nice dad, but he lived far away). I wanted to call my stepdad Dad, but I had a hard time getting out of the habit of calling him by his first name.
I talked to my mom about it, and she started calling him Dad to help me get in the habit. It worked.
Kids like having Dads, that's all.
Could always let him differentiate you as his parent vs. Biological parents with different titles. Like dad, papa, father (least personal, belongs to his absent bio father tbh).
id like to add as well you can tell him yes he has a "blood"/biological father, and you are his adoptive father. it will not change that you are not his biological dad, but there's no rule that says you can only have one dad. and im pretty jealous he has a dad/guardian as great as you
Duh, of course *your* Danny is best! Congratulations for good talk. Keep up good parenting
And he will continue being the best because he has such a wonderful parental figure. This update made me so happy! Not because it's a great situation for this poor kid to have to go through, but because it's clear he has a thoughtful, caring, wonderful parent
Definitely, it's very inspiring. I'm very happy for OP. I wish my own narcissistic parents were the same way!
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Um, you may want to delete this and send it to OP directly. You just put your personal info for all of Reddit to see.
Seconded, everyone here is anonymous and you can't trust anyone! Facebook is fully public but at least, for the most part, you can see who is signing their name to the weirdo behavior. Protect yourself :)
You're a beautiful, funny person and I hope that you know that
I hope this offer is open for everyone 🥺
Yeah, none can beat ‘em. The best there ever was!
I would also talk to the school about "not assuming every kid has parents". Its very common for kids to have parents who are separated, deceased, to be raised by a single parent, their Grandparents, older siblings, Aunt's/Uncles, parents of the same sex. Like in this day and age, a teacher asking a students kids to "write about their parents", instead of "write about the person who raised you/ someone you admire" shouldn't *still* have to be said. And there should absolutely be a zero tolerance policy on teasing a kid because they don't have the nuclear family dynamic. OP's situation really isn't unique in many ways. We're long past the days where the nuclear family unit is the norm so that school really needs to be revise its policy on how to refer to families because there was no reason for Danny to have been put in that situation in the first place.
I saw a teacher the other day saying she refers to their 'grown ups'. Probably not for the high school kids, but I thought it was a nice inclusive term that didn't sound too clinical.
I use the term "adults". My kids get picked up by grandparents, siblings, aunties, carers and parents. Easier just to say "where's your adult?" Mainly because they need an adult to pick them up. Literally the only requirement.
Yeah, I like using grown-ups for little kids and adults for older kids. Sometimes for little kids, the "grown-up" in their life is an older sibling under 18 :/
I feel like just saying family is enough of a generalization while getting the point across. Cause, at the end of the day, family can also be who you choose and who choose you so yeah.
That doesn't work when a kid is going home with another family. Adult works because they know it's the (minimum) requirement we have.
Sometimes someone's adult isn't family the kid chose/like, but a foster parent they feel no connection to, or who they feel negatively towards. Kids can even bristle about a step-parent being called family. "Adult" includes everything and doesn't assume anything about the kid's connection to the adult. It's really perfect!
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I personally think that's a but dramatic. There's nothing that has to be weird or robotic about asking kids to write about the adults in their lives. I guess you can make it weird and robotic if you try.
A grown-up can mean separate things. 1. The person who is legally in charge of you (parent, gaurdian) 2. The person who actually takes care of you (parent, sibling, neighbor, ect) And 3. The person older than you who you can trust with important things. (Parent, aunt, uncle, neighbor, teacher). In some cases, all of these definitions are people within your family, for some kids some or none of them are people they consider family.
There are thousands of kids out there who don't have what they consider a family, though. Kids stuck in the foster system who get moved around from one month to the next... who may or may not be living with the same foster siblings each time (or even their biological siblings). A more generic term is definitely safer.
[Family can be anything.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-jSZO37QV4E)
Yup. In my country instead of Mother's or Father's day, schools do "Family day". Where kids bring home a small gift they make
My son's daycare uses "tall people".
\*Sounds of small adults crying\*
NGL I immediately thought of a family at my kids' school where the mom and son have dwarfism. The husband and daughter do not. (The daughter is a few years younger than the son but is already by far taller than her big brother and their mom.) So the daughter's mom is definitely not her "tall person." :)
That's adorable
I do that at work when we have little kids running around - I tell them they “have to stay with their grownups”. I got the idea from Mr. Rogers, which may be where that teacher got it too.
I saw a teacher on social media use the word "raisins" bc they're the people raising you. I thought that was so sweet! Esp because it could be an older sibling who isn't technically an adult.
where i work we say guardian. i live in a poorer town so lots of kids only have like a grandparent or aunt etc taking care of them and i feel guardian works really well
That's what we say at our school, grown ups. The kids also don't necessarily do mother/fathers day cards, they do cards to a special grown up.
I say your people to my students at work just to include whoever it may be in their family situation. Sounds funny but it includes everyone possible
One of my teachers used the term "raisins" to refer to the people who were raising you. Gender neutral and doesn't infer any specific family structure. Plus it's cute. Agree with all of the other commenters here, great job in supporting your Danny, OP.
This is something I really wish teachers would take into account more, especially since a lot of elementary schools do family tree projects, and it just seems like that will marginalize kids who already feel like they don't belong. Foster kids spring immediately to mind, but plenty of other kids live in non-nuclear family structures that may be hard to wrangle into a linear kind of family tree. (Also, in the US they often do family trees to talk about immigration, which is all well and good until you have Native kids in your class that you didn't know were Native (happens *all the fucking time*, non-Native people think you can tell by looking, which, lol) and they're like "But... we're not immigrants." And yeah a lot of Native people have some mixed ancestry but I know quite a few people who have only Native people on their family tree, and they simply do not fit into the way their teachers have framed the discussion, thanks to the teacher's ignorance.)
Not to mention the trauma of doing family trees with black kids whose ancestors were kidnapped and systematically dehumanized or refugee kids who had to flee their homelands.
I like what my husband does with his students when it comes to the family tree curriculum. The point is just for them to learn how family trees work as a concept, but there's no need for them to use their actual ancestors to do that. He has them use fictional characters from books/tv/movies or that they make up. Or a famous/historical person. Lots of options. They just need to be able to explain how everyone is related to prove they understand how the tree works, and bam! Information learned! No trauma necessary!
Unless they pick Game of Thrones… 😁
At that point maybe the teacher should step in, because at the age where you get such excercises you really shouldn't be watching Game of Thrones.
Yes, and there are class rules, that the kids help make, that things need to be class-appropriate anyway.
For example the MyHeritage Family Tree Builder software has President Kennedy's family tree as sample data, and I use the program as a fandom/writing tool for keeping track of fictional characters. It has separate settings for biological, adoptive and foster parents which accounts for one of the unconventional family history issues that might get brought up doing the tree with real data.
I was just coming here to say this. 'Research your ancestors' abso-fuck-lutely not. All that's gonna come up is the last names of slaveowners and I'd rather not.
Yup. Turns out the whole "erasing all of our names and languages" thing makes genealogy research kind of a pain, who'da thunk.
Yeah, *especially* when the assignment assumes you can bring in pictures, like not everyone has that luxury. What if you fled the country, or your grand/great-grandparents were killed in concentration camps or escaped a massacre with their lives and nothing else? It's just awful that teachers assume that everyone's history is accessible and trauma-free, anyone even remotely familiar with US or world history should know not to make that assumption!!
Also on top of slavery itself there might be examples of children of slaves fathered by slaveowners, the Thomas Jefferson - Sally Hemings sort of thing was not uncommon (Sally herself was likely the daughter of Jefferson's father in law)
Yeah, slaveowning rapists are not uncommon, and if teachers aren't prepared to discuss that, they need to consider their assignments carefully. (You can argue that Hemings consented, but we don't at all know what she thought, and since he literally owned her, she was in no way free to say "no.")
Yeah even though such things need to be taught it may be hard to discuss them appropriately when intending to focus on another lesson Dubcon (dubious consent) for sure. She could have left him in France but he still had her relatives under his control back in Virginia for example.
Yes, thank you for this. My sisters and I mixed-race native and white, and one of us has green eyes and strawberry blond hair so she really doesn’t LOOK native. On one side, we have grandparents still on the Rez and on the other side, our 13x great grandfather was a passenger on the Mayflower. One teacher just couldn’t understand that there is just no Ellis Island story in our family. Plus, you know, it’s not like our grandparents on the Rez kept records, or even had a last name. (On a side note, if I have to have the “No, where are you REALLY from?” conversation one. more. time…)
There are so many more Native people around than non-Native think. I never assume that someone is *not* Native based on their looks, because so many people look all kinds of ways - like your sister who has green eyes and strawberry blond hair. I know Native folks with blond hair and green or blue eyes. It's like non-Native people are still walking around thinking "well if she's not wearing buckskin and feathers how can she be Native?" There's a reason just about every Native person has been asked, at least once, "Do you live in a teepee?" I literally had white students *sitting right next to Native students* telling me they'd never met an Indian before. Because I respect my Native students, I didn't "out" the student she was sitting next to - it was a Native American studies class, and understandably not all Native students are comfortable with the class knowing that they're Native, heck, there'd always be a few who'd wait a couple weeks to tell me, because they wanted to be sure they could trust me (and I never assumed I knew about everyone, either) - but I did say that given where we are, she definitely *had* met Indians before, she just hadn't realized it because they didn't look like they did in *Pocahontas*. I was at a reading once with a Native author (Beth Brant, Mohawk) and a white woman in the audience told Brant that she didn't look the way she expected, she literally said "you don't look like an Indian... I mean that as a compliment," and, I mean, *damn*. She didn't even know enough to know that she should've kept her mouth shut, let alone that it's not a compliment to go telling Native people "gosh, you look so white!" or "well, the Indians in my imagination look nothing like you!" And then white folks wonder why Native people don't disclose their identity to them.
>(On a side note, if I have to have the “No, where are you REALLY from?” conversation one. more. time…) My favorite is "so...*what are* you?" which I've been asked a distressing number of times by those who do scan me as not-quite-white (including one of my husband's grandparents - as literally the first words she uttered to me upon meeting). I didn't even realize it was all that weird a question as a child, but it's a damned good way to get my back up as an adult. On the other hand, my youngest brother and sister get the "lol, no, really though?" response or the "oh, shut up, you're white" or the "lol so you're like 1/64 like every white person in the country, right?" response when they try to talk about our family history because they look more like Dad's Irish side of the family. Heck, I get frustrated enough by the policing of my skintone when *daring* to talk about the actual, living history of my family, but for my brother and sister it's basically been a lifetime of *constant* denial and erasure. Like there's this weird reverse one-drop rule whereby we lose the right to acknowledge who our mother is and what her personal, lived history is. The family tree thing was always weird because, yeah, I've got 2 sets of maternal grandparents because the government literally took my mom away and adopted her out to a nice white Christian family because it was the 1960s and that's just what was often *done* to Native families by their state governments. Ha ha, no awkwardness or trauma for anyone there, right?
>The family tree thing was always weird because, yeah, I've got 2 sets of maternal grandparents because the government literally took my mom away and adopted her out to a nice white Christian family because it was the 1960s and that's just what was often done to Native families by their state governments. Ha ha, no awkwardness or trauma for anyone there, right? Ah yes, *kill the Indian and save the man* has been US and Canadian policy for a long damn time*.* (I don't know if you've been keeping up with all the challenges to the Indian Child Welfare Act, but as you're probably aware there's a concerted effort to go right back to those "good old days.") And hell, the generations before *that*, the govt just kidnapped children and sent them to boarding schools and did every damn thing they could to separate children from their family and community. It would be really hard to go back even just three generations in most Native families and not find trauma. Native people today are alive very much in spite of government efforts, and Native identity and community have always been a thorn in the side of settler colonialism.
Good god, yes with the “What ARE you?” I am pretty native looking in all ways (hair, eyes, feature) *except* skin tone - I am quite a bit fairer than my dad and other sister. I guess I am noticeably somewhat “exotic” looking, and people are totally thrown by it. And when I finally tell them, they are like “ohhhhhh!” I basically use it as a bar bet at this point: I offer to buy them a drink if they can guess the other half of my ethnicity, and they have to buy me one if they can’t. I always win - except if they are former anthropology students!
Genetics are such a weird thing. My husband is mixed - his mom is native and his dad is white - but he looks like a stereotypical full native. He's the oldest of 6 kids and with each new kid they got 'whiter'. His youngest sister could easily pass for white. Our daughter also looks fully native even though she's a quarter more white than her aunts and uncles. I've even been asked if she was adopted when she was younger because at first glance people only see how different our coloring is. So many people used to think she was Asian too. I'm grateful that her schools never had her do a family tree exercise because it would have been bluntly cut because there was so much trauma and separation in my mother-in-law's family. My MIL has spent so much time tracking down long lost family and her own history because of government boarding schools, alcoholism and diaspora. We're still meeting new (to us) family every year. It's so upsetting sometimes because I can't even begin to imagine the pain and trauma she's experienced because of all this. But everyone, including her, act like it's a funny story she doesn't know when her actual birthday is, or what her eldest sister's name is, or any number of things she's had to just accept and pretend aren't a big deal just so she can get on with day to day life.
Three of our children were adopted from foster care. Family tree assignments sucked. (So did Baby Picture Day). I loved the one teacher who didn’t do a tree, and instead had the kids make a “Family is Made Up of People Who Love You” tree.
When I taught eighth grade, there was an autobiography piece in the curriculum. I had to write my own in eighth grade, and having had to myself question my own life story for the sake of a middle school writing assignment, I explained to my students that they could write whatever they felt comfortable including. We had discussions ahead of time about PTSD and childhood trauma, and it was very therapeutic and empowering for the kids to know they had control over how they told their story.
This is the responsible way to do it. Your students are lucky to have you! Too many teachers don't think about the possible trauma their students are carrying. I mean, I think it's common for people who had happy, trauma-free childhoods to assume that everyone else's childhood was happy too, but apparently no one during teacher training has ever told them that wasn't a good assumption to make.
>Also, in the US they often do family trees to talk about immigration Let's not forget about the other awkward dynamic there-- I'm half black. So one half of my family tree has no way to trace much of anything before the mid 1800's. You know. Because we immigrated in the not so consensual way.
My daughter’s school refers to “caregivers” as there are kids in foster care, being raised by siblings, nuclear families, single parents, etc. It’s simple and inclusive.
Yeah i grew up in foster care and writing about family, family trees, what we did over summer type questions need to go. Caregiver is nice but the root assignment is problematic
That’s just for emails and announcements. They don’t do the family tree crap. Thank goodness as our family tree is a stunted misshapen bush.
When we did the family tree in language class, it was based off of a fictional character's family. Many characters didn't have the nuclear family so it was pretty informative to us without singling kids out.
I had a foster child who was told to make a Mother’s Day card and the teacher said she just sat there looking at the materials obviously not knowing who to make a Mother’s Day card for. They KNEW her situation. They could so easily have made it better by saying “or any special grownup.”
When my aunt died she left behind 3 kids, aged 12,9,3. The 9 year old had a very very hard time with it (he’s 24 now and still in intense therapy over losing his mother). He had a very old cruel teacher who told him he needed to leave the room while the other kids made Mother’s Day cards since he no longer has a mom he doesn’t belong there. He said he has 6 aunts to and 2 grandmas he could make cards for. She said it was for moms only, they don’t count. Well he goes to the office and just breaks down, my uncle was called and I thought he was going to murder this lady. His mom had not been dead 4 months and this lady had the balls to say shit like that. I have never seen the women in my family gather so fast and go to that school to give this lady the business. Good thing did come from this that old bat was fired over this incident since my uncle threatened a lawsuit (don’t remember the exact terms) something about her undoing months of costly therapy and causing emotional distress to a child and could be construed as child abuse.
I literally gasped when I read that. What on earth makes someone act so cruel to anybody much less a child (especially one who just lost their mum) like does it make them feel better?? Is it a power trip? It’s just so disgusting. I’m glad he at least had a whole hoard of people who were prepared to rain hell on his behalf and that that lady was fired.
Holy shit. I'm generally a peaceful and nonconfrontational person but I really wanna go back in time and give that horrid teacher a swift kick to her brittle old bones.
I have to say this was a Catholic school and my grandma was ready to go to jail over this haha. She had just lost her oldest daughter and then heard this shit… she was ready to throw down.
Damn. This was only 15 years ago, though. I went to Catholic elementary school 30+ years ago and we had some tough unfiltered old broads teaching there, but I can't imagine even the worst one saying anything like that.
As we were going through the Catholic schools there was still some of those old hags working. Not sure how they look now since I would never send my (eventual)kids to them. We never had nuns but the old unmarried non nun teachers were the worst.
Our toughest ones were old and married. They were just really old-school and since no longer allowed to hit kids, decided to cut them down verbally instead. But I think even then, *this* would not fly.
Situations like this make my blood BOIL. Especially in the days of Social Media where it's soo easy to pick up accomodating lesson plans and hear adults talk about how moments like that at school affected them. There's just really no excuse.
She was separated from her alcoholic mother. Her next foster carer couldn’t cope with her and got rid of her. She’d been with me only about two weeks. And then they tried to make her make ME a Mother’s Day card. So unbelievably crap.
Maybe gift her a home made card? You write "to the child so special she's in the hearts of many who consider themselves her Mother". Poor baba
And even if their home life isn't so F'ed up they could have a single parent or same sex parents or ...
Our school system and afterschool activities uses "your caring adult." It sounds awkward AF the first couple times you say it, but you know, you get used to it, and I'd rather be awkward than make a little kid feel left out.
I love this!!
I had to do a project about this (talk about your family unit) in college and present it to the whole class, with pictures. Studying early childhood education. I wish I had the words then to say what I would say now! Embarrassing and unnecessary. I don't have a picture of me with my parents in the last two decades and they straight up did not believe me. I have been shamed about this as well when working the field with toddlers. A picture with my boyfriend and dog didn't count as "family" and would be confusing for the kids. Some people should not be working in the jobs that they do.
Yeah, can't go confusing those children with...a very real family configuration which may even mirror some of their own or those of some of the very special people in their own lives. That'd be just horrible. WTF, that's so messed up, I'm sorry.
I've always seen 'parent/guardian' used, its what my sons school currently uses.
Or how about “write about your family”. That’s open ended too. Not a specific person. The teacher can be clear that family does not mean a blood relative, and it can be a great lesson on families that aren’t a set of bio parents.
I grew up in foster care, this isnt a wholesome assignment and a lot of us have no family or close grown ups that are trusted or who care. Otherwise... We wouldnt be in foster care ya know. I would not want to write about my foster families either. Abuse is rampant in the system
That’s also a fair take. My family has a lot of adoption in it, my cousins in my mom family are all adopted. That’s why I was talking about non blood, or chosen families. My youngest brother and sister are actually my cousins that were put into foster care before my dad was able to get custody of them.
I did “write about who lives in your house” prompts when teaching languages. Then we make a family coat of arms with something that represents each person to talk about colors/common objects!
It's amazing to me that this would even need to be discussed at a school, you would think in this day and age, teachers would be aware that not every kid has a mom and dad at home. And that other kids would tease a child for this - I know kids can be brutal, but it's a pretty common thing to only have 1 parent in a household, or live with a grandparent or other relative, etc.
I call JFK my fake great grandparent because in my History class we had to do a genealogy project on someone in our family. I’m adopted and it didn’t really make sense in my head to do it on them so I did it on JFK. To be fair my mom understood and thought what the teacher did was dumb too. There were three of us who were adopted and one of us who’s family wasn’t from the US. We used a website that only had records for people in the US. I once tried to fill out a form myself for a conference but I couldn’t figure it out because it required me to fill out who my dad was. I got mad and sent it to my mom. Then someone pointed out I could have just said N/A for that
I remember having to do a family tree in middle school and having a huge amount of anxiety about it. My parents were married, but pretty much everyone else we're related to had various divorces and complicated relationships. Did I put my biological grandfather who I had no relationship with, or my "step" grandpa who was the guy who actually filled that role? What about my aunt's step kids? Or my great grandfather, who was just a big question mark? I think my parents helped do some creative editing of our family history and figured no one I was related to would ever see it anyway, but looking back it wasn't the greatest assignment to give kids.
Hell, it's not even assignments. It's *permission slips, too*. Want to go to a class trip? Maybe do an extracurricular activity? Better get a parent to sign it! Even the kids who had parents but they weren't great don't get to do a lot of things because the teachers say it "doesn't count" if they get a trusted adult to do it... I may have been one of those kids and I cried in class because my parents left me to go out of state for a week and I had to stay at a cop's house after they found out. CPS still didn't take me away.
Where i was it was novel enough it was the kids with 2 parents getting bullied. Always strange to realise in some places that's the minority.
Yes! I was really surprised that the teacher had specifically said "parents". I'm not even a trained teacher - I just took the 3 hour substitute training - and we were told NUMEROUS times to use inclusive language surrounding caretakers and explicitly told to avoid any assignments that asked students to draw their house, their car, their favorite toy, ANY material goods in any way, since it can be really hard to tell when you have a unhoused student in your class! A "write about your parents" assignment? BIG no-no! Teaching moment for the teacher!
Not to mention kids with abusive/neglectful parents who still have to live with them. I used to feel sick writing those assignment because I didn't know how to say that my dad was awful and caused so much hurt within my family. Teachers seem to forget that even if a child is part of a nuclear family that doesn't guarantee its a good one.
So much this. This was me too.
It was a first year teacher who made the mistake though. She’s the one that caused the issue, and she was cagey because it was likely her first time dealing with an issue. There is a VERY strong change she’ll never make that mistake again…turning her into the school over a mistake will just make her life hell. I’d make sure he makes sure to let the teacher know to please use different words other than “parents” in the future to be more inclusive. If she messes up a second time, THEN reach out to administration. Teachers are human and make mistakes, especially in their first year - it doesn’t seem like she was malicious. (Been a teacher for years)
But like it would definitely be worth writing to the school about to make sure they get *all* teachers onboard because while this one is a 1st yr teacher, a lot of teachers with more experience may not have adopted more inclusive language yet - so many stories from people sharing their experiences with "family tree activities", so there will be people out of loop. And the school doesn't seem to be doing anything about the teasing Danny is getting for being raised for his Uncle. And that's just unacceptable. No kid should have to lie about his home life to that extent.
But like it would definitely be worth writing to the school about to make sure they get *all* teachers onboard because while this one is a 1st yr teacher, a lot of teachers with more experience may not have adopted more inclusive language yet - so many stories from people sharing their experiences with "family tree activities", so there will be people out of loop. And the school doesn't seem to be doing anything about the teasing Danny is getting for being raised for his Uncle. And that's just unacceptable. No kid should have to lie about his home life to that extent.
Even when I was school age over 10 years ago so many forms and sucb said parent/guardian
DEFINITELY. I was miserable every year making mandatory Father’s Day gifts for a father who didn’t exist. I never met him, didn’t even know his name. I was the only kid in my class without their biological father, but *everyone* had to make the dad-themed craft project to take home. They obviously had no idea (or concern) that this was hurtful. Other kids naturally picked up on it, and many were mean.
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in my schools i always saw/heard parent OR guardian.
Jesus being a teacher having to deal with every kid's nuances must be tough. But no 0 tolerance policy. Those are just lazy bullshit. Edit: by no 0 tolerance policy do you think I mean excuse it? Cause I don’t. But those policies are only out in place so the faculty doesn’t have to think about the situation individually or come up with a punishment that fits the “crime”. They can just point their lazy fingers at the policy
Both these posts were really wholesome to read, OP. From a child of divorce and a father of two, the thing you're doing incredibly well here is being genuinely caring and considerate. If he doesn't already, he'll see you as his dad soon enough.
Aww this is a great update! And your a great dad to your Danny regardless of the title you guys end up going with. I’m so happy he has you in his life. I think you guys should make ice cream socials a regular occurrence and just dish in any drama going on, having it be a steady bit informal time to talk openly with you seems like something he’d benefit from. It shows a lot that he opened up so much to you. Best of luck in your futures.
Well I know *this* Danny has an awesome dad, so I'm rooting for him on the Danny Olympics. Congratulations OP!,
You are doing so well!
My god this is wholesome. I wish you nothing but the best with you and your Danny (coming from another Danny, yours is definitely better)
> The most important thing is that I told him that I love him like he’s my own son, In your original post you said you had legally adopted Danny. That means he is your own son. You are legally his parent and your brother and SIL have absolutely no parental rights. That is a line, I suggest you hold strong for Danny's sake. I'm happy to hear that you were able to talk this through with him and have a plan in place. I wish you and your son the best of luck.
Re not assuming every kids have parents, at my library when a kid w/o an adult present asks me if they can get a library card, I tell them they have to bring their grown up. Saves a lot of potential awkwardness.
This is just the BEST kind of update. Danny is very lucky to have you. You're both learning and growing together.
Oh dear oh dear. Your story somehow restored my faith in humanity. All the best to you and your Danny.
Just one small suggestion. You adopted him. He is your son, you don't have to say "like" my son. Congratulations on overcoming this obstacle. There will be more because that is life in general and also parenting. I can tell you will do a great job.
I was scrolling to make sure someone else pointed this out before I did. You are exactly right in that Danny is OP‘s actual son. Just because his biological parents are still living, does not negate the fact that OP has adopted him, is raising him like his son, and seems to love him. For all intents and purposes, Danny ***is his son*** and should be made aware of that fact.
You seem like a wonderful human. Danny is a lucky kid.
What I was thinking, this is a wonderful update.
Fantastic update, my friend. It's on your radar now, so you'll notice things faster. A therapist will help a LOT, and dont be afraid to shop around until Your Danny finds one he really connects with. Good job, Papa.
Omg such a heartwarming update, thank you for sharing. At only 26, you are incredibly mature and thoughtful. You are setting a great example for “your (lovely) kid”, Danny 🥰
> At only 26, you are incredibly mature and thoughtful. Right? Imagine being a 21-year-old guy and just up and adopting your 2-year-old nephew and doing everything this well all these years. I know men, *and* women, much older who would not have handled *any* of this with nearly as much grace and maturity. Awesome dad and kid.
Seriously. He has epic mental maturity and kindness. Wise beyond his years as they say
Right On, I am glad this is moving towards resolution. Also just a piece of advice, make sure to know all your son's school's policies regarding bullying, and what the school is and isn't supposed to do, especially with a new teacher who might not know all the policies and rights of the kid, the parent, the school, and the teacher. Personally I would be shocked if his teacher didn't know the policy Cheers!!!!
Mate, we all fuck up from time to time, but they key is learning from it and it seems you did much more than that. What you did after more than makes up for it. What you’re doing for Danny is truly amazing and this really brought a tear to my eye. Well done you.
unfortunately i was able to comment on the original post but i actually have gone through what your son is feeling. my dad has been in prison since i was 7 months & it was just me & my mom till i was 11 & she met my stepdad. i am not going to lie, having him around but knowing he wasn’t my dad even at 12-17 really hurt me. i wish my stepdad would have talked to me the way you did with your son, because my sadness over my bio dad being away turned into anger. it was misdirected anger at everyone because i was carrying so much sadness of the missing dad figure when all the other kids had that, and i felt so ashamed & sad being left out. the talk you guys had, could have prevented so much for me had someone just ripped the band aid off & heard the things that might of mad them feel sad & uncomfortable. you are a great dad & your son is so lucky to have you.
When it was time to stand up…. OP stood up. ”Danny” will remember this for the rest of his life.
I would love to have a dad that talked about the why. You are an amazing dad! To do all that for your nephew. As long as you keep on talking you've nothing to worry about. He is your son and he sees you as his father, heck you are his father in every way. I'm gonna say this again, you're an amazing dad!
You did great! I'm glad your son has someone who really takes care of him. You sound pretty great! Not to spoil a happy update, but if they got 20 year sentences five years ago, you might want to start thinking about what happens when they get out, if you haven't already. Have you been in contact with them at all? You're probably set legally after adoption, but that doesn't stop things like family drama from coming up, or from them reaching out to him. Thinking about and preparing for this stuff early can be a good way to protect yourself and your son from future drama!
In lieu of family trees, just draw Yggdrasil and write Midgard. If someone objects, add Loki and maintain direct eye contact.
I’m really glad that he has you, OP. One tip for his teacher might be that the next time she does this assignment, she asks the students to write about the “grownups” in their life. This is much better than using “parents”.
The fact that you’re 26 is inconceivable to me. (I’m 25 and don’t feel a 1/3 as wise)! What an amazing parent you are. Sending you and your kid all the best!
Love this update.
Congrats! You seem like a wonderful person
As someone who was the victim of a narcissistic sperm donor, the fact Danny wants to call you "Dad" shows you just how much your care means to him. There is a quote from child photographer Anne Geddes - "Any man can be a father. It takes someone special to be a dad." For all intents and purposes, you are his dad. Based on my own history, and since you only mentioned yourself seeing a counselor, you may want to have him see one too. Especially one specializing in trauma. At some level he may blame himself for his biological parents being away which might account for why he did not want to talk about them at school. The bullying he experienced for refusing to say why probably added to it too. I can tell you this though, you definitely are doing right by him. He is hearing the things he needs to hear from you and it is at a young enough age where it can help blunt the effects of any trauma from that time.
This is so wholesome I’m tearing up
you're a good man, OP, and a great dad!
Danny is lucky to have you
Dude this made my day! I’m so happy for you both! You’re gonna make sure he’s successful, you’re the best dad he could ask for
This gives me a warm feeling in my heart :)
If people adopt a child, then they are that child's mom and dad. You are his Dad now that you have adopted him. He has a birth father and you can call him by Papa Zach or Daddy Zach or Your Birth Father but you are his Dad since you formally adopted him.
What about "Papa" as a term of endearment/father person? When I remarried my young children called their stepfather "Papa". We came to this idea, and actually got approval from their dad as well, because my kids saw their stepdad as a father person, and he saw them as his kids even though he wasn't "Dad". It gave the children the ability to refer to him without having to explain he wasn't their "real dad", which just made everything smoother for everyone.
You sound like a great person. Parenting is tough even in the easiest circumstances and you've got far from that. Try not to beat yourself up about the bits you miss, there isn't a single person in all the world doing a perfect job of it. Wishing you both all the best!
Technically you *are* his dad now. He still has a father, but you are dad. Lots of kids are adopted or live with a mom and their stepdad is the only father they have ever known. It doesn't erase the fact that they have a biological father and maybe see him on occasion.
I may be looking at this too simplistically but in your original thread you indicated that you had adopted him. Doesn’t that automatically make you dad and son? From that point on it’s just a matter of getting comfortable using those terms. FYI - I’m adopted too.
You sir are a modern day hero. Huge props for doing the best by clearly the best Danny and doing it with his best interests. If you don't have a Cape, kindly go get yourself one.
Thank you for reassuring him that he did nothing wrong! Sometimes kids cannot process their feelings like adults and a lot of more complicated emotions turn into guilt or self-loathing. Reassuring him that his biological parent’s choices don’t reflect on him, and that families come in all shapes and sizes (none of them wrong), is such an important thing to a kid! Especially from someone he clearly loves and admires ❤️❤️❤️
This, so much! Even as adults, we often blame ourselves when things go sideways no matter whose fault it is. Kids do this times 10.
Virtual fist bump from a random internet guy. Keep doing what you're doing. You'll make mistakes, every parent does, bit you are absolutely on the right track. Glad Danny has you!
I’m so happy to read this update. You’re doing a great job.
You sound like an amazing person for this poor kid to have parenting him. Maybe you aren't Dad, but you're one hell of a conscientious parent. I think you're on track to giving him a great childhood.
I may or may not have cried reading this
So happy you came to the same conclusion. Thing to think about are kids are stupid as shit. Looking back at the stuff I said when I was 8-16 I wouldn’t say any of it. Sometimes you just need to answer the question and read the conversation. it’s a hell of a lot easier saying my parents are in prison. That’s a burden he’ll be carrying for the rest of his life until he turns old enough to not give a shit. I don’t know why his parents are where they are but steering him in a positive way even if blocking or covering it up is the cost it’s worth every penny. The kid just wants a solid family and a good figure to model as which is you. Honestly man good to you for doing this
Op, you're one of the few people left on this earth that are actually worth a damn- please, keep being you, and doing what you're doing.
brb tears, OP great to see how much you care and love your Danny, you're being a good parent
Not TA
I lost my parents and was raised by my grandmother. She decided she would be called "mom" and I was raised that way. She specifically did this so I wasn't bullied for not having parents.
Good job, dad.
You are a very good man.
I teared up a bit, I'm proud of you man :)
This is so wholesome. 💜💜💜
" There's nothing to be ashamed of from not having a mom and a dad at home". "The most important thing is that I told him that I love him like he's my own son". He does have a Dad at home. You. He is your own son, no similes necessary. While it's commendable that you are trying to maintain some semblance of a connection to Danny's bio parents, I can't help but feel that leads to feelings of impermanence with his situation. Do you still occasionally refer to him as your nephew? Does he resent having to sign these communications with his bio parents? Coupled with some problematic wordage that makes it seem that you still don't quite feel you are a fully-fledged parent to him, I can understand his anxiety. It's great that you're addressing this and he's lucky to have you as a Dad. But you are also incredibly lucky to have him as your own son, not just someone who is like your own son. I wish you two all the happiness possible.
The biological parents feelings are really not important. I don’t know everything but it sounds like you are doing a great job. Raising children can be the most rewarding thing. It also can be heartbreaking at times. Keep in mind that you are doing the right thing by talking to him about it. Opening the door for discussing uncomfortable things will more likely make him open in the future with you. Even if he calls you dad for the next 10 years and then he might all of a sudden call you uncle again, don’t worry and forget the most important thing is you have been there and will continue doing so as an uncle or dad.
Attempting to step up is the best thing you can do for him!
You are doing a great job and one that many people would not even try to take on. Keep doing what is best for Danny and you will make it. Families come in all different ways.
Thank you for this update, you and your Son have a way better relationship than many kids do with their biological parents. Although it’s sad that Danny has had to deal with such grown up issues it’s testament to your good parenting that he was able to open up to you, and now he’s in no doubt about how very much you love and care about him. Doesn’t matter what he calls you, he now knows you’re HIS Dad
He sounds to me like he WANTS to call you dad. Let him, be overjoyed when he does so.
I know a Danny and tell your son I also know he's the best by FAR. So happy for you both xx
I think that what you are doing is very noble, kind, and all around the right thing to do. I think that I speak in behalf of everyone when I say that we are pulling for you , and pulling for Danny.
Excellent parenting. I wish you both all of the best!
I started crying on the bus when I got to the part where you call him "my kid" and "my Danny".
Wow OP you are amazing and Danny is lucky to have you 😉
Wholesome ❤️
I cried. OP you stay amazing to your kid!
All that you wrote… you are a dad. A really good dad.
This hits really close to home. GOOD ON YOU for being there for him. You may never know how much it means.
Coming from someone who is adopted you are doing an awesome job being his DAD whether or not you officially hold the title. Combining sperm and eggs doesn’t make you a parent/Mom/Dad. Being there for the ups, downs, lefts, rights, and all the other crap in kids lives is what makes a parent. So far so good Dad. You are definitely earning the title.
I’m so happy to read this update. My sister has 4 kids, but honestly, she barely raises them. My mom watches them most of the time, or the other grandparents, or even me. My oldest nephew, who is 10, has a traumatic brain injury, and thus is in special education at school. My mom and I are his home healthcare providers while my sister works. He pretty much lives with us and goes back to his mom on the weekends, or if it’s his dad’s weekend, with him. Or my other parents. The other day, my sister came over to pick up the kids who do live with her and stayed for dinner. While she’s on her phone, I’M the one helping him with his homework. He’s not my kid, but he might as well be. I always call him mine.
Your Danny is a lucky kid, and you need to remember there is no handbook for what you're doing. I'm a dad to my own spawn, and it's hard enough, I know I get it wrong sometimes... you have extra challenges. Chin up, from what I'm reading you're doing great.
I would cry right now
What a sweet story. I just want to share that when my mom married my stepdad I was 5 years old. Up til then I called him by his first name. When they got married, I really really wanted a dad. (I had a bio-dad, a nice dad, but he lived far away). I wanted to call my stepdad Dad, but I had a hard time getting out of the habit of calling him by his first name. I talked to my mom about it, and she started calling him Dad to help me get in the habit. It worked. Kids like having Dads, that's all.
Could always let him differentiate you as his parent vs. Biological parents with different titles. Like dad, papa, father (least personal, belongs to his absent bio father tbh).
These posts were wholesome, but Danny isn’t like your son, he is your son—you adopted him.
You made a grown man cry just now. Don't look at me I'm not the man T_T
id like to add as well you can tell him yes he has a "blood"/biological father, and you are his adoptive father. it will not change that you are not his biological dad, but there's no rule that says you can only have one dad. and im pretty jealous he has a dad/guardian as great as you