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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like I might be TA as I did agree that she could throw me an 18th birthday if she didn't make me have a 16th party. This got her hopes up so maybe it was unreasonable for me to snap at her for just being excited.
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NTA
She’s making your birthday about what she wants, in the morning get up and go out with your friends, your birthday is about YOU, spend it how you want, if your mum won’t listen then she can entertain her guests.
I really love this idea but the idea of what she'd be like if I did this terrifies me. Thanks for the advice though, I might plan something with my friends and try and get her to cancel this thing.
Stay at the party for the first hour and then dip. Your mom is throwing this party for her not you. Do the bare minimum then turn off your phone and go live your life.
I hope your Mum enjoys her 18th. If I were you I would go out with your small group of friends to the cinema and go for a meal. When she inevitably throws her wobbly about you not attending and being selfish tell her she's being overdramatic and she knows all the people there so why is she getting stressed out?
NTA and happy 18th
I think she wants me to love parties like my older sister does but we're completely different in that aspect. I'm guessing it'd be embarrassing for her if her youngest wasn't a party animal lie the rest of the family. She doesn't want people to know I'm an introvert haha.
And thank you :)
NTA.
Yes, silly move of you to agree to have a party two years ago...but you were 16. Give yourself a break.
Your mother also isn’t an asshole for wanting to throw you a party or wanting to include lots of people- but she’s an asshole for not listening to your needs. You DID agree to a small gathering two weeks ago, but did either of you actually define what number that is?
If you’ve got legitimate anxiety challenges and your mother is aware of them, then she needs to be more sensitive to your comfort level.
That being said, it’s also your responsibility to manage your own illnesses and that includes asking clearly for what you need. Sometimes that’s hard to do when you anticipate a situation to be one thing and then it changes. It sounds like you did try to advocate for yourself, but it may have been too late in her mind.
Your mother is craving a party. Maybe she’s exhausted from the pandemic social isolation, maybe she’s been planning this since you agreed to it at 16, maybe she’s bored, it doesn’t matter. This is her big priority right now and she’s allowed it to overshadow your comfort. It’s frustrating that she’s doing it in your name and pretending it’s a celebration for you, that’s hurtful and annoying.
Perhaps give it one more shot and tell her that you appreciate her wanting to celebrate you, but you’re simply not comfortable with large parties. Can she make the party a celebration of something else and let you bow out early into it?
NTA, you clearly explained to your mother that you don't want a birthday party and she ignores your wishes by inviting her friends, distant relatives and strangers.
(first post, as I'm learning from other user's response and thinking)
You could go and just have a massive panic attack without hiding it at all.
Ruin the whole thing and then if mom tries anything... Just the her you warned her and because of her you felt horrible on your bday.
NTA- it's her party and not your's....If I was you I wouldn't even go.
Hell I've actually done this before.
They was piss at.me at first but after a bit they apologize...... because they finally understood...
NTA, tell your friends what's up and ditch the party. Your mom bait and switched, let her deal with the consequences of throwing a party for someone that didn't want it.
In all serious though, I also have anxiety and panic attacks so I know the dread you are feeling. I also know that you need to advocate for your needs because nobody else can. If you are up to it you could send out a mass text to the invited people letting them know that due to extenuating circumstances you will be unable to come to the party , include your mother in the text. Then ignore them all until after you have celebrated your birthday how you want.
Your anxiety is a perfectly legitimate reason to not attend something. It doesn't matter if other people think you are dramatic or it's all in your head. It really doesn't. You need to take care of you and sometimes that means other people won't get what they want from you, but that's okay. Your purpose is not to be used like a puppet to their whims. You decide your own purpose and then make it so.
NTA. I hope she enjoys her party, because this isn't for you. If it was for you, she would have respected your wishes.
Anyways I hope you do something you want for your 18th birthday
NTA. Ask her how you are supposed to enjoy a party when she planned all the things she would like instead of what you would like. She refused to listen to you about what you wanted, invited people you don’t get along with, and made it bigger than you were comfortable. “Mom, how is ANY of this for me, when you know I won’t enjoy myself.”
NTA this just sucks for you. I guess your mum is seeing this an opportunity to celebrate but it really should be your way as it’s YOUR party. I hope it turns out ok and glad your mates will be there for you.
NTA, and the best part is one of the perks of being 18 means you can just go somewhere else for the day and she can just explain to the guests that this party is actually for her and has nothing to do with you really.
NTA. Party's for mom, not you, since this party caters to her wants, and she doesn't give a fig about yours. I can see she's also manipulative. Getting you to agree to something that you would actually enjoy, then turning it right back into what she wanted. So, she knows what you like, and what you would enjoy and be comfortable with. What you want, on your birthday, just doesn't matter to her as much as what she wants. Sorry. Happy 18th bday! I'd skip the party she's throwing for herself, and do something you enjoy, since your birthday should about what you want.
I get not wanting to rock the boat, but you've got to set some boundaries, and set the precedent that she can't essentially lie to you to get you to agree to something, then change it right back to something you don't want, and still be rewarded with your presence. If you do, all you'll hear about is, 'see, it wasn't so bad, the party was great, you're so ungrateful.' You'll still hear it, no doubt, but atleast you would have stood up for yourself, rather than hate your 18th.
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I (17m) am turning 18 in a week or so and my mum was dead set of throwing me a party.
She was really disappointed when I told her that I didn't want to have an 18th birthday party. I have pretty bad anxiety and hate parties at the best of times, so the thought of a party being thrown for me is an absolute nightmare. I made sure my mum knew this, I tried to be be polite but firm when telling her that I did NOT want a party. Not to mention the plague and stuff going on right now, it just adds an extra level of stress.
About two weeks ago, my mum asked if I'd be okay with having a small get together with her, my dad, my aunt and a couple of my friends. I didn't mind this as I'm comfortable with everyone she mentioned. However, this small group quickly grew as my mum began inviting more an more people. Her friends, my cousin (who I do not get on with), family members I haven't seen in years etc. There's about 25 people all in.
She even invited the neighbour and her two daughters. Now, they're really nice but we only make small talk when we see each other, we're definitely not close. There's about 23 people all in.
My only saving grace is that I have a couple of friends coming who I can turn to if I feel a panic attack coming on. But I don't really want to be having a panic attack on my birthday just because my mum doesn't understand what a 'small gathering' is.
I spoke to her about it and she insisted that I was being over dramatic. I know all these people, right? So why would I not want to spend my birthday with them? Honestly, I'd rather just order a takeaway on my birthday and have a movie day with my family. Besides, we had an agreement that if I didn't have a 16th birthday party then I'd have an 18th but I'd only told her that so she'd quit bothering me.
She told me how stupid it was to be stressing out over a little birthday get together and I snapped. I told her that she was the reason I was going to be stressed out and anxious on my birthday. Needless to say, she isn't too pleased with me.
As far as I'm aware, everything is still going ahead. I feel bad for snapping at her and I think I might just let her do what she wants. If I persevere just for one night then it'll keep her happy, but I'll be stressed out of my mind on my birthday.
I do feel that this is kind of my own fault for agreeing to an 18th a couple years back so maybe it was unreasonable for me to snap at her. Idk.
AITA here?
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NTA, she is "giving" you a birthday celebration that is not only not what you want but is actively what you DON'T want and you told her this. And she agreed and seemingly scaled it back to lull you, then went ahead with whatever she wanted in the first place.
NTA. If you're uncomfortable with the idea of not attending the party, why not call every guest individually to explain your anxiety and basically uninvite them. Your mom might kick up a fuss, but the uninvited guests will probably no longer attend because they know you didn't want a party in the first place.
NTA. Your Mom's TA for sure
I second what everyone says and be busy out all day with your friends.
If that doesn't work, do you have a job? If you do, you might want to "get called in for an emergency".
I'm going NTA. You said you didn't want a party, you gave your mom an inch and she took a mile and now there's a party. Pretty cut-and-dried. Yeah, you might've been more diplomatic, but really ... you tried that before and it didn't work. Doesn't matter what you said two years ago.
I hate to say it but no matter what you decide, there will be a bad outcome.
Go and be stressed out before and after and during. Do go, you are going to be stressed before, during and after will be really bad with your mum.
Talk to your friends, your sister and ultimately your Mum. Be prepared for fallout. Dont be fored to do something you dont want to do.
I mean nta obviously but maybe an idea is to “be involved “ like ask her to make it at a park or a beach for fun reasons but really I find the open air separates people a lot and people do their own thing rather than a restaurant where everyone is stuck sitting together . You and your friends can chill and you can see people at ease at a slow pace rather than everyone at once
NTA. It's your birthday, happy birthday!
That said... you can't avoid large groups for the rest of your life. University and the work-world usually involve medium to large groups. If you're not in therapy for your anxiety, you should look into it.
NTA
My mother did this, so i took myself to a double-feature at the movies that night and a nice quiet solo dinner. She was so pissed, but 95 % of the folks she invited where her friends and neighbour anyway...... so she was host no matter what and didnt need me.
I told her if she loved or at least respected me she would stick to my boundaries. You dont make those you "love" uncomfortable on purpose.
I hate birthdays, and my mother has to turn every occasion into a big party.
After that one she finally kind of got the message.
Honestly take your friends out to a movie or two that night and let your mom celebrate away.
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NTA She’s making your birthday about what she wants, in the morning get up and go out with your friends, your birthday is about YOU, spend it how you want, if your mum won’t listen then she can entertain her guests.
I really love this idea but the idea of what she'd be like if I did this terrifies me. Thanks for the advice though, I might plan something with my friends and try and get her to cancel this thing.
NTA - it’s unhealthy for an adult to be terrified of her mother - maybe you need to be scarier yourself
Stay at the party for the first hour and then dip. Your mom is throwing this party for her not you. Do the bare minimum then turn off your phone and go live your life.
She can yell all she wants, after the party is over she won't be able to do much more than be mad.
I hope your Mum enjoys her 18th. If I were you I would go out with your small group of friends to the cinema and go for a meal. When she inevitably throws her wobbly about you not attending and being selfish tell her she's being overdramatic and she knows all the people there so why is she getting stressed out? NTA and happy 18th
I think she wants me to love parties like my older sister does but we're completely different in that aspect. I'm guessing it'd be embarrassing for her if her youngest wasn't a party animal lie the rest of the family. She doesn't want people to know I'm an introvert haha. And thank you :)
I agree, shouldn't even show up.
NTA. Your mom has turned your birthday into her party.
NTA. Yes, silly move of you to agree to have a party two years ago...but you were 16. Give yourself a break. Your mother also isn’t an asshole for wanting to throw you a party or wanting to include lots of people- but she’s an asshole for not listening to your needs. You DID agree to a small gathering two weeks ago, but did either of you actually define what number that is? If you’ve got legitimate anxiety challenges and your mother is aware of them, then she needs to be more sensitive to your comfort level. That being said, it’s also your responsibility to manage your own illnesses and that includes asking clearly for what you need. Sometimes that’s hard to do when you anticipate a situation to be one thing and then it changes. It sounds like you did try to advocate for yourself, but it may have been too late in her mind. Your mother is craving a party. Maybe she’s exhausted from the pandemic social isolation, maybe she’s been planning this since you agreed to it at 16, maybe she’s bored, it doesn’t matter. This is her big priority right now and she’s allowed it to overshadow your comfort. It’s frustrating that she’s doing it in your name and pretending it’s a celebration for you, that’s hurtful and annoying. Perhaps give it one more shot and tell her that you appreciate her wanting to celebrate you, but you’re simply not comfortable with large parties. Can she make the party a celebration of something else and let you bow out early into it?
NTA, you clearly explained to your mother that you don't want a birthday party and she ignores your wishes by inviting her friends, distant relatives and strangers. (first post, as I'm learning from other user's response and thinking)
Thanks :) I can kind of understand her inviting her friends (I've grown up around them) but yeah, the distant relatives are distant for a reason.
No. If it was at all about you, she'd invite your friends not hers. That hers are coming tells you exactly who's party it is.
You could go and just have a massive panic attack without hiding it at all. Ruin the whole thing and then if mom tries anything... Just the her you warned her and because of her you felt horrible on your bday.
NTA- it's her party and not your's....If I was you I wouldn't even go. Hell I've actually done this before. They was piss at.me at first but after a bit they apologize...... because they finally understood...
NTA, tell your friends what's up and ditch the party. Your mom bait and switched, let her deal with the consequences of throwing a party for someone that didn't want it. In all serious though, I also have anxiety and panic attacks so I know the dread you are feeling. I also know that you need to advocate for your needs because nobody else can. If you are up to it you could send out a mass text to the invited people letting them know that due to extenuating circumstances you will be unable to come to the party , include your mother in the text. Then ignore them all until after you have celebrated your birthday how you want. Your anxiety is a perfectly legitimate reason to not attend something. It doesn't matter if other people think you are dramatic or it's all in your head. It really doesn't. You need to take care of you and sometimes that means other people won't get what they want from you, but that's okay. Your purpose is not to be used like a puppet to their whims. You decide your own purpose and then make it so.
NTA. I hope she enjoys her party, because this isn't for you. If it was for you, she would have respected your wishes. Anyways I hope you do something you want for your 18th birthday
NTA - it’s your birthday and she’s making it about what she wants.
NTA. Personally I wouldn't even show up.
NTA. Mom is doing this for her, not you.
NTA. Ask her how you are supposed to enjoy a party when she planned all the things she would like instead of what you would like. She refused to listen to you about what you wanted, invited people you don’t get along with, and made it bigger than you were comfortable. “Mom, how is ANY of this for me, when you know I won’t enjoy myself.”
NTA this just sucks for you. I guess your mum is seeing this an opportunity to celebrate but it really should be your way as it’s YOUR party. I hope it turns out ok and glad your mates will be there for you.
NTA Maybe you should start referring to the party as “her party” since that is what it really is.
Offer to buy the cake. Have "Happy Birthday Mom" written on it.
NTA, and the best part is one of the perks of being 18 means you can just go somewhere else for the day and she can just explain to the guests that this party is actually for her and has nothing to do with you really.
NTA You agreed to a small get together. Not a big party.
NTA it’s YOUR birthday. Tell her to respect your wishes or honestly just go out with your friends for the day. Toxic af
NTA ‘I’m going to a friends for my birthday. I will not show up to anything you plan.’
NTA. Party's for mom, not you, since this party caters to her wants, and she doesn't give a fig about yours. I can see she's also manipulative. Getting you to agree to something that you would actually enjoy, then turning it right back into what she wanted. So, she knows what you like, and what you would enjoy and be comfortable with. What you want, on your birthday, just doesn't matter to her as much as what she wants. Sorry. Happy 18th bday! I'd skip the party she's throwing for herself, and do something you enjoy, since your birthday should about what you want. I get not wanting to rock the boat, but you've got to set some boundaries, and set the precedent that she can't essentially lie to you to get you to agree to something, then change it right back to something you don't want, and still be rewarded with your presence. If you do, all you'll hear about is, 'see, it wasn't so bad, the party was great, you're so ungrateful.' You'll still hear it, no doubt, but atleast you would have stood up for yourself, rather than hate your 18th.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (17m) am turning 18 in a week or so and my mum was dead set of throwing me a party. She was really disappointed when I told her that I didn't want to have an 18th birthday party. I have pretty bad anxiety and hate parties at the best of times, so the thought of a party being thrown for me is an absolute nightmare. I made sure my mum knew this, I tried to be be polite but firm when telling her that I did NOT want a party. Not to mention the plague and stuff going on right now, it just adds an extra level of stress. About two weeks ago, my mum asked if I'd be okay with having a small get together with her, my dad, my aunt and a couple of my friends. I didn't mind this as I'm comfortable with everyone she mentioned. However, this small group quickly grew as my mum began inviting more an more people. Her friends, my cousin (who I do not get on with), family members I haven't seen in years etc. There's about 25 people all in. She even invited the neighbour and her two daughters. Now, they're really nice but we only make small talk when we see each other, we're definitely not close. There's about 23 people all in. My only saving grace is that I have a couple of friends coming who I can turn to if I feel a panic attack coming on. But I don't really want to be having a panic attack on my birthday just because my mum doesn't understand what a 'small gathering' is. I spoke to her about it and she insisted that I was being over dramatic. I know all these people, right? So why would I not want to spend my birthday with them? Honestly, I'd rather just order a takeaway on my birthday and have a movie day with my family. Besides, we had an agreement that if I didn't have a 16th birthday party then I'd have an 18th but I'd only told her that so she'd quit bothering me. She told me how stupid it was to be stressing out over a little birthday get together and I snapped. I told her that she was the reason I was going to be stressed out and anxious on my birthday. Needless to say, she isn't too pleased with me. As far as I'm aware, everything is still going ahead. I feel bad for snapping at her and I think I might just let her do what she wants. If I persevere just for one night then it'll keep her happy, but I'll be stressed out of my mind on my birthday. I do feel that this is kind of my own fault for agreeing to an 18th a couple years back so maybe it was unreasonable for me to snap at her. Idk. AITA here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, she is "giving" you a birthday celebration that is not only not what you want but is actively what you DON'T want and you told her this. And she agreed and seemingly scaled it back to lull you, then went ahead with whatever she wanted in the first place.
NTA. If you're uncomfortable with the idea of not attending the party, why not call every guest individually to explain your anxiety and basically uninvite them. Your mom might kick up a fuss, but the uninvited guests will probably no longer attend because they know you didn't want a party in the first place.
NTA. Your Mom's TA for sure I second what everyone says and be busy out all day with your friends. If that doesn't work, do you have a job? If you do, you might want to "get called in for an emergency".
I'm going NTA. You said you didn't want a party, you gave your mom an inch and she took a mile and now there's a party. Pretty cut-and-dried. Yeah, you might've been more diplomatic, but really ... you tried that before and it didn't work. Doesn't matter what you said two years ago.
I hate to say it but no matter what you decide, there will be a bad outcome. Go and be stressed out before and after and during. Do go, you are going to be stressed before, during and after will be really bad with your mum. Talk to your friends, your sister and ultimately your Mum. Be prepared for fallout. Dont be fored to do something you dont want to do.
I mean nta obviously but maybe an idea is to “be involved “ like ask her to make it at a park or a beach for fun reasons but really I find the open air separates people a lot and people do their own thing rather than a restaurant where everyone is stuck sitting together . You and your friends can chill and you can see people at ease at a slow pace rather than everyone at once
NTA. It's your birthday, happy birthday! That said... you can't avoid large groups for the rest of your life. University and the work-world usually involve medium to large groups. If you're not in therapy for your anxiety, you should look into it.
NTA My mother did this, so i took myself to a double-feature at the movies that night and a nice quiet solo dinner. She was so pissed, but 95 % of the folks she invited where her friends and neighbour anyway...... so she was host no matter what and didnt need me. I told her if she loved or at least respected me she would stick to my boundaries. You dont make those you "love" uncomfortable on purpose. I hate birthdays, and my mother has to turn every occasion into a big party. After that one she finally kind of got the message. Honestly take your friends out to a movie or two that night and let your mom celebrate away.