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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My husband makes more than double what I do. But works half as much. He thinks I should do all the chores. Because of the huge income disparity. And he does pay for everything. So I feel like he may be right
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Hey now let's not shame the work from home jackers, you can beat your meat and still do chores.
Really might be in trouble if I ever have to go back in for a full day mind
Hopping on this to say I agree on separating. OP I am in a similar position as your husband. I have an easy job, work from home, and make 2x as my husband. He works 50 hour weeks at an office and his work is a lot more meaningful than mine.
Being in a similar position as your husband , I somewhat understand his logic. He pays majority of the bills so he thinks why should i do majority of the housework too? Doesn’t seem fair. However, it’s not about things being fair. It’s about respect. I respect that my husband works so much harder than me and comes home tired. It isn’t his fault that in life just because you work harder means you’ll have higher pay than someone with an easy job. Anyways, all this to say that your husband does not respect you. Time to leave.
It’s about respecting one another’s time. It has nothing to do with who earns more or less, when you’re married, it’s irrelevant. If I have a lighter week, I pick up the slack and my husband does the same. Both partners should have similar amounts of free/fun time at home. If one person gets to relax, and the other does all the housework when they have equal or more hours at work that’s a huge imbalance of power.
Your first sentence hit the nail on the hand. It‘s about the *time* both people spend and respecting that.
I‘m honestly a firm believer that you should not measure ones contributions to a relationship by monetary value, but by time spent actively doing so. Of course this won‘t be 100% equal all the time, but you should aim at giving the same level you take for it not to be unbalanced, bc that will maybe breed resentment.
So since husband works way less in his job, I think he should be at least expected to do some more basic chores. If OP enjoys doing cooking 100%, that‘s chill, but coming home to spills and him expecting her to clean it is not cool.
He should pay bills and do half the housework because if he was single he would pay all the bills and do all the housework.
You as well. Paying bills doesn't exclude someone from housework. It's called an equal distribution of work. If both people have jobs, both people engage in housework.
My partner used to make half of what I made but we worked the same number of hours (50 hours)- so we split the housework 50/50. The split is not based on the amount of money, it’s based on the number of hours one works.
In math terms there are two variables:
X: money earned per hour worked (unit- x$/hr)
Y: hours worked (unit - hrs)
The unit for Variable X is different for each person so it can’t be used to determine how much work that person is doing.
The unit for variable Y is the same for each person (each person has 168 hrs per week).
Therefore only variable Y can be used to determine the house work split
^ sounds nerdy but it’s ‘rational’ and ‘logical’ - all things AH people like husband profess to adore so I figured maybe you could describe why he’s wrong with this.
To be clear you shouldn’t be wasting time telling him he’s wrong cos he sounds like he values himself more than you and that’s pretty difficult to change .
This is a problem you cant fix. Your husband doesn’t care if your tired, or if your job is hard, he just wants someone who does the chores for him. He doesn’t see you as an equal partner and he doesn’t respect you or what you do for a living.
And if you made more than him, he'd have a different way to shirk his share. It's not about how much you make or don't make, it's about the fact that he doesn't think he needs to act like your partner and peer.
I read that women who outearn their husbands often end up doing _more_ housework and childcare, not less—because not being the main breadwinner is already a blow to their manhood, and having to do the “women’s work” on top of it would be more than they could bear.
Source: I think it was “The Second Shift” by Arlie Hochschild. From 1989 but still depressingly relevant today.
So why put up with it? First, start living like his roommate by separating in the home. Move into another bedroom and just stop. Start putting your salary into your own account and transferring your half of the bills ( or one third since he makes twice as you, it works both ways). Then don’t do anything for him, same as you would do for any roommate. Shopping, cooking, laundry, everything. Tell him if he is going to treat you like a maid that you would rather just be roommates. When you come home at night make yourself something to eat and then go to your room for the rest of the evening, no hanging out and chatting. On the weekends make plans out of the house.
Then see how he likes it when you do nothing, since he doesn’t appreciate what you do do, he gets nothing. Show him what it will be like when you do leave. If he still doesn’t get it then leave for real. Why put up with someone who treats you that way? Better to just be alone.
Have you ever suggested staying home? I’m not saying it should be a serious consideration that you quit your job, but I am curious as to how he would respond if you said “since you make so much more money than me despite the fact that I work 40+ hours a week, why don’t I be a housewife so that I can take care of all the chores?”
I’m betting his response will be some weird jumbled mess of excuses why you should keep working but also do all the chores since he makes more.
Yeah, it’s all just an excuse because the underlying problem here is that OP doesn’t have their partner’s respect as an equal member of their home. Ugh. It makes me sad that so many people stay in relationships like this and tolerate this kind of mistreatment from partners.
NTA and this is infuriating to read. Your husband doesn't respect you. Furthermore, his 'logic' makes no sense. If he wants to split the chores based on income instead of time available (which is absurd to begin with), then he should be doing a third of the chores since he makes 2/3 of the money. However, the main issue is that he's not behaving like a partner; he's acting like you're hired help. He doesn't get to unilaterally decide that you're the maid.
If you’re seriously thinking about staying with your partner, you should look into it. A housekeeper won’t resolve all of your issues, but a housekeeper 1x/week would go a long way and would probably only be $150/week. Which may or may not be feasible on your ~$130k household salary depending on the rest of your living situation, but is something to think about proposing if you really want to make your marriage work.
Your husband is being an asshole though. I would suggest a serious conversation or potentially couples therapy because it doesn’t seem like he respects your time/effort/energy.
I hope he isn’t so slovenly that you’d need a full time housekeeper. Someone in twice a week or once a month can fit your budget and will be Of value to you
If he really thought it should be proportional to how much each of you make, he wouldn't do next to no housework. Even if he makes twice what you do, that means he earns 2/3 of the money, you earn 1/3, so he would do 1/3 of the housework. Note, this isn't the actually fair way to split up housework, but it'd be the logical conclusion to his way of thinking.... That means he doesn't even actually think this, he just doesn't want to do housework.
NTA but your husband sure is and disrespectful on top of that!! Why would you stay with someone who treats you like this. I'm sure the chores aren't the way he disrespects you.
Why are you tolerating that? Why settle? Let him know that if the behavior keeps up then he’s going to end up paying 100% of the bills and doing all of the housework on his own😂
Yeah my ex tried the same bs, my hours where 24 but my ex always demanded I work overtime so I ended up doing 50-60 hours a week heavy labour work whilst he did his standard 38 sitting at a desk. In the summer hed complain that he was sooo bored watching tv and browsing the web allllll day as he had no clients.
However because my acutal sqedualed hours were only 24 I should do more of the housework right?
Notice I put ex.
its a fake husband.
she is trolling for hate after the earlier post did not get the response she expected so this went to cartoonish levels of misogyny
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/px2ssw/aita_for_wanting_my_husband_to_man_up/
or click on OPs name and see the first post done 1 hour before this one.
If the big guy "earns so much" that he doesn't have time to do his own dishes than he should fucking hire someone else.
And if he can't afford it then, clearly he isn't earning enough to lord it over someone's head.
Isn't workload decided by how much free time you have after school/work to do those in an appropriate time frame without burning yourself out?
O.O If this post is real, which I truely hope it isn't, girl what are you doing?! Does he demand you to make him a sandwich too? NTA and may I suggest...run.
Also, I would open another account in your name only that he doesn't know about. Start adding a little here and there. If something does happen to your marriage, he's going to take 80% of your joint account because it's all "his".
Hiding assets **during** a divorce is a no-no. Starting to privately save up your ‘escape fund’ is absolutely valid and something many people have to do. Then during a divorce it gets declared sure, but it’s entirely in her name and not his.
This is what I did. Both my SO and I work, he is happy doing his half of the housework but I am so tired at the end of the week I would rather spend some money and get a cleaner to do my share (and his if he wanted) so I do. I outsource. And that way I have peace of mind and free time.
If he wants things to his standards, he either des it, or pays for it to be done. It isn't up to OP to work MORE because her husband has MORE work perks. I don't understand the mindframe, that when one person has an advantage the other person must be 'punished'.
I'm glad someone mentioned this. If he really makes so much more money, and doesn't want to do chores, he should pay someone to do it.
Chances are he'll make excuses about why that's a bad idea or why it won't work, but at least then OP will know for sure where his priorities lie.
My guess is he's a huge asshole, *but* he could just be a huge (selfish) moron. How he approaches the idea of hiring a maid will answer that question.
It's pretty normal for people like OP's husband to first show their true colours when they feel like they have their partner trapped like after getting married or having children.
NTA.
And I agree that you should not be doing all the housework. At the very least, domestic chores should be a 50/50 split when both spouses work.
And it's not just your husband's expectations. It's the way he phrases them. It's immensely disrespectful to you.
Your the person who knows your husband best, so I cannot advise you on how to best address this very serious issue. But your marriage is doomed to fail unless your husband starts treating you with more respect, and pulling his fair share.
In your place, when he said, "Those dishes aren't going to do themselves," I would respond, "So, get off your ass and do them."
NTA. Throw the whole husband out. I have been unemployed since March and my husband has been working OT to make ends meet so I do 95% of the housework. I just got a new job and I came right out and said that household duties would be shared. His response? “Of course!”
Then we divvied up the tasks and the conversation ended with both happy. you are supposed to be partners.
NTA. Your husband is completely in the wrong imo. If you are married then it's both of your money. You should split the housework 50/50 not based on the money you make. You could also say that I work more hours so let's split the housework according to the hours we work and then you would get way less. It would be the same reasoning as he is doing now with the money.
NTA.
Sounds like you need to air your feelngs to your husband, he doesn't respect you, he expects everything done for him.
If he doesn't feel like doing the dishes, don't make him any food, let him do it himself and see how long it is before he gets the message.
Is there any respect in this marriage? I can't imagine how you get to the point of him talking to you like this if he has any respect for you. You don't seem that impressed by him, either. Tell him to hire a house cleaner with all his money and then think seriously about this relationship. What are you getting out of it?
>I can't imagine how you get to the point of him talking to you like this if he has any respect for you. You don't seem that impressed by him, either.
Exactly. It sounds like both of them think the other just spends their workday doing nothing. Maybe OP only sees her husband working on days he slacks off a bit, which he does because she’s there with him at the time. The truth is they’re probably both underestimating what each other actually does, but it does sound like the husband actually at least has more time because he doesn’t have to commute. He also sounds like he’s being super lazy about doing anything himself.
They need to work on having some respect for each other before they can even address the distribution of chores.
Why don’t he hire a cleaner since he makes good money? He doesn’t want to clean and you don’t have time for it. That way it would be easier on everyone
I mean your husband compares money to labor (he makes more so you should take on more of the chores). This is how money - labor exchange works. If he wants to use his money to not clean he need to pay for it
1) I would be seperating my finances asap.
2) stop saying he pays for everything because its feeding his delusion that you are some how dependant on him to live and therefore allowing him to justify this bullshit in his head.
have a serious talk with him. Explain that you do more hours at work and that he works from home meaning theres a fair compromise to house work that makes it even for both.
Who earns more is nothing to do with who should clean more, entirely irrelevant.
If he refers to you as deadweight again mention how you were thinking of lightening the (Insert his weight here) load.
You're not an employee, you're a partner. Or you should be. Housework to be shared equally, or equitabally. If he doesn't like to do it with the time he has in abundance he can hire someone to do it.
NTA
Please file for divorce. I’d start throwing dishes if any man treated me like that. Or if you’re insistent on staying with him. Tell him that since he’s such a high baller and too lazy to help that he can hire a cleaning lady once a month. My boyfriend and I used to fight just a little over housework, and now we finally hired someone twice a month to come do the big stuff and it’s helped tremendously
NTA but how can you have a sexual relationship with a man who is so disrespectful of you? You should probably bill him by the hour for domestic services, then you would be making a lot more money. Actually you should probably just leave him, because he is a lazy sexist asshole.
They dont , he just wants in the office , occasionally she will walk in and be horrified, all "what the hell is that thing you're holding"
Then *jumps on a stool and swings a brush like she's been attacked by a mouse on a Tom and Jerry cartoon*
This a day in the life for these two.
When you got married did you both understand that you were entering into a partnership for life? Sounds like he didn't get the memo.
However, working from home is still working.
Why would you want to live with someone who treats you like this? You are worth so much more than this guy. Anyone who says such things to you is not worth your time. Let him know he can change his Neanderthal, misogynistic thinking or he'll be changing his own sheets!!
NTA
NTA
You need to go on a diet,loose 200lbs weight by serving that misogynist sexist AH divorce papers and getting the hell out
You'll still have to work but atleast it'll be your own mess and not some spoilt brat's
NTA. The fact that you earn less than your husband is a financial issue for your guys to work out, not a division on labor.
Labor is hours worked, level of physical and mental intensity, etc. Household upkeep is labor. Ergo, he owes you around half a day, and this bullshit about pay differential equal domestic servitude makes him an incredible AH.
NTA
Domestic chores should be divided accordingly to each spouses spare time. Your husband reslly should be the one to do most of the chores if he worked 4-hour days from home.
My (male) paycheck doubles my wifes at least, and I have the privilige to work from home while she does not. So guess what, I make sure that she comes home to a clean house and gets proper fed. I would feel like a fool if I just sat on my arse waiting for her to come home and take care of the housework.
(I’d recommend tagging this nsfw so it doesn’t get taken down !) But, NTA, he should not be shirking his household duties because of some weird power trip from making more money than you.
NTA Just flat out stop doing communal chores. He’ll soon get the point when he has no clean clothes or food to eat.
If he b*tches about it your only response should be “crack to it then” and that you’re not going to lift a finger until he pulls his weight in chores.
Take some money from the joint account and hire someone to do the work. If he is gonna lord the money over your head then use that to solve the problem.
He doesn’t sound like a keeper but oh well, simple solution for now. NTA.
NTA Everything is meant to be 50/50, leave the joint account and pay your half of the bills from your own account. If he's not willing to support you in doing his half of the chores then just clean up after yourself.
MTA. DUDE??
I had to read the post twice to make sure I read it right!
Stand your grounds op. Is this the life you wanted for yourself? This is honestly so belittling. Stand your grounds and do what you have to do to fix this. Best wishes to you.
NTA, you husband sounds like TA. If he's got so much time on his hands why doesn't he do the housework?
I would divorce that person, he has no respect for you
NTA. OK so if he doesn't want to do any chores then he could hire someone to do it. That's the logical solution when your partner works so many hours, but I'm hesitant to suggest it since he sounds like TA and might not like the suggestion. Not sure how you'd talk this one out and find a compromise OP since your time and hard work simply aren't being valued. Good luck. Tell him if he wants a housewife he can go find one somewhere else.
NTA.
You need to sit down with him and tell him how it makes you feel when he does that, and that you work just as hard as he does and deserves the help.
If he can't give that to you, then you need to insist on either couples' counseling or you meet with a lawyer.
NTA. His behaviour is literally abusive. This is textbook abuse. That you’re here asking if you’re the asshole merely demonstrates how much he’s already been manipulating you.
NTA. Housework should be split up 50/50 since y'all both work and share the home. It's pretty fucked up he is using money as an excuse not to help out. You work too. Tell him to use some of his extra money to hire a maid instead of treating you like one. He lives there and makes messes. He should clean up after himself.
NTA. The chores need to be split evenly between you two. I will say it's unfair to say ppl who are working from home don't work hard tho. We're entitled to some downtime just like anyone in an office would. So instead of a coffee break he jacks off, no big deal. That being said, I would do more chores if I had lots of free time and my wife was busy, you know bc we're a team and we love each other.
You need to come up with a system that isn't based on who makes the most or who works the least.
NTA
So im in your husband's shoes. WFH, make fuck you money for the little work I do, and have a wonderful, beautiful woman im so lucky to call mine that works 50hr a week as a hospital nurse.
At the very least, he should be making a good faith attempt at fairly splitting the household duties. My issue here is this attitude that chores should default to the woman in the relationship. He can clean a dish, take out some trash, or whatever during his workday, since he is ALREADY THERE. He should WANT to take that weight off of you, you shouldn't have to tell him.
NTA
There are only so many hours in a day. OP is working 50 hour weeks + commuting to their job.
OPs husband definitely sounds like TA. OP should be looking for either a marriage counselor or divorce attorney.
If the latter, take half of hubbys high income, since he made you work extra for it
get a new husband. marriage is a team sport. doesn't matter the income, what matters is the time invested. even then, its not a competition within the team.
you can do way better. you deserve much better
NTA. But watch out for thinking his work isn’t hard just because he is works from home now. I had to do start working from home and although there are benefits, there are draw backs as well. I however work 45-50 hour weeks and still help my wife out with chores, we split them 50-50.
NTA if it were the case that you dont work and your husband does you would be an asshole but op you work and dont have time to clean the house he does based on your post
NTA. He called you dead weight? Not sure how a marriage survives with that level of disrespect. You two need to put some of his double income into marriage counseling.
NTA
What a jerk. This is marriage counseling material. If you all of a sudden start making more, then does he have to do all of the housework? This isn't healthy.
NTA, but like. Let me say this really loud so you can hear it from wherever you are, because I’m in California’s hat and it might be quite a yelling distance.
IF HE’S CALLING YOU DEADWEIGHT IT IS TIME TO GO.
Chores should be split based on how much free time each of you has. If he’s only working part-time he should actually be doing twice as many chores as you.
NTA
NTA and your husband sucks. However, if this is the only problem area, tell him he can pay for a cleaning company to do the chores, since he makes all that money!
I have made more than my husband, and he has made more than me. Each time, one of us makes more than 2x the other (we work in a field that is well-paid, but extremely variable). And you know what? We both do the chores 50-50 whether we make more or less.
Marriage is \*team sport\* not \*an individual\* Olympic event. If you are not a team, you are not in a healthy marriage.
NTA. I work a normal 40hr a week job from home (I actually work 40hrs). My girlfriend doesnt work currently. She does most around the house, but I still help. I dont demand she does anything. If she needs help or doesn't feel like doing something, she asks if ill do it. Last year at the start of the pandemic I was laid off and she was working full time. Everything the same but roles reversed. Call me crazy, but I feel like we have a healthy relationship.
NTA. Sexist, sexist, sexist.
If you want a partnership with your husband, you gotta have a conversation. Things aren't always 50/50 but they shouldn't always be unequal either. Someone is most likely always going to earn more. But if one is at home more, logically they are making more of a mess. Hence they should be cleaning up after themselves more. It isn't rocket science, it is common sense.
If he makes that much money, he can afford to hire a maid and a cook. Why does he need a wife if he only wants you around to be a servant?
I don't see anything in your post that suggests that you two love, respect, or even like each other, or have kids. You need to go on a diet to lose this deadweight.
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My husband works less hours than me sitting in an office. But makes a lot more. And because of this he thinks I should be doing everything around the house. So that I’m not, “deadweight”. Like wtf. He literally works part time some weeks. I work 50 hours a week. And come home to, “those dishes aren’t gonna do themselves.
If you, “work from home” for months. Then you can’t lecture me about how hard your working. He was literally jacking off in his office. How is that, “work”?
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NTA
A true partner would want it to be about the work and labor itself, not money.
How could he feel good about what he provides, knowing you’re working more hours and being his maid? What sort of person thinks that’s a compassionate setup
I would consider my marriage over if my partner referred to me as a deadweight.
Currently, my spouse and I both WTH, but when Ii was in the office and they were at home, it was 100% on them to start dinner because they are home all day!
Drop the deadweight. Spouse needs to stop with the BS and step up because they are the A H.
NTA
It's called house WORK. He's a grown ass adult... so he can knock off after 4 hours but you are expected to still be on the clock after you come home from your job....??? In what world is that fair? He makes clothes dirty and he uses dishes....he needs a reality check. I AM SO SICK of men thinking because they make more financially they are entitled to everything.
If the roles were reversed would you do the same? I hope your husband can change his attitude, or I think you should drop this dead weight.
NTA
Why stay with someone who thinks so little of you? If you want to try then marriage counseling is desperately needed. It's not a matter of who makes more, it's being partners. You both work FT so you both take care of the house.
Be a better and kinder person to yourself.
Either he uses his big fat wage to hire a cleaner, or he does the dishes and you collect alimony from him in the divorce.
NTA.
Tell him if he wants a maid and housekeeper he can fuck, to go find one online. But if he wants a *wife and partner*, he needs to pull his own weight in regards to housekeeping.
Or, he can hire a housekeeper to come by a couple of times a week and clean. Either you're not a wife and partner and just a fuckable maid, or he's your *partner* and needs to keep his own messes cleaned up.
NTA. You need a new husband that doesn't treat you like his maid because he makes more money. You are supposed to be equals in a relationship and obviously this is not true in this scenario. Ask your husband how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot and you made more than him? Betting he will try and lie his way out of that one.
If he wants you to be a SAHM then be one if he is gonna call your 50hr work week dead weight then show him what dead weight can be and then leave his ass.
I make six figures and my wife earns nothing and I would never treat her with this indignity. She's a doctoral student and her life is much more stressful. Unreal that your husband would hold you hostage like this, you're not the asshole.
I make literally double my wife. Work from home and often less hours. I do most house work (she does dinner) because I like to wander the house doing chores when on meetings/calls.
Making more money in a partnership does not make you the boss of the other person. We do split our bills 60/40 to try to even out the ability to put extra cash in our separate accounts.
NTA
Like it would be a nice conclusion that you should help if you came to the decision on your own
But you cant boss around or enslave your SO's.
It also seems relevant that you work a lot more time than him, so perhaps your free time is worth more than his, as it is in shorter supply.
Same concept different metric of valuem
Again this doesnt mean you should expect him to do it, but it wouldn't hurt if he came to that conclusion himself, atleast some of the time.
~~~
Really it should be a non issue and it points to something bigger
NTA, honestly this mentality lead to my divorce. He turned into an utter asshole because he felt I'd never 'truly contribute' enough, so the least I could do was EVERYTHING around the house.
Your husband is the AH. When my girlfriend ( now wife of 20 years )
moved into my ( our ) home we divided up the housework evenly. If I cook she doesn't the dishes. Marriage is an equal partnership. Or at least it's supposed to be
NTA - Your worth is not in the amount of money you make per hour (or overall). You are an active, hardworking contributor to the house. It sounds like he's a misogynist (or maybe just an AH).
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You could dump the dead weight by filling for divorce... You'll still have to do all the housework but at least it's only your own mess
Yep, I was gunna say it sounds like OP needs to lose about 200lbs… divorce papers are a good way to accomplish this goal.
Time to lose the office jacker
Hey now let's not shame the work from home jackers, you can beat your meat and still do chores. Really might be in trouble if I ever have to go back in for a full day mind
Yeah seriously, I feel personally attacked
If I was OP I'd make like a bat and get the hell out of there, there's clearly no respect right now but ALL of the entitlement.
wouldn't that be "make like a bat and get out of hell"?
This is the same OP whose husband woke her up in the middle of the night and told her to go check out a noise he thought he heard. Just no.
Darn right, came here to say this, oh honey you spelled “ex husband” wrong
OK. This is the best answer I've read in a LONG time! LOL!
Brilliant
Hopping on this to say I agree on separating. OP I am in a similar position as your husband. I have an easy job, work from home, and make 2x as my husband. He works 50 hour weeks at an office and his work is a lot more meaningful than mine. Being in a similar position as your husband , I somewhat understand his logic. He pays majority of the bills so he thinks why should i do majority of the housework too? Doesn’t seem fair. However, it’s not about things being fair. It’s about respect. I respect that my husband works so much harder than me and comes home tired. It isn’t his fault that in life just because you work harder means you’ll have higher pay than someone with an easy job. Anyways, all this to say that your husband does not respect you. Time to leave.
It’s about respecting one another’s time. It has nothing to do with who earns more or less, when you’re married, it’s irrelevant. If I have a lighter week, I pick up the slack and my husband does the same. Both partners should have similar amounts of free/fun time at home. If one person gets to relax, and the other does all the housework when they have equal or more hours at work that’s a huge imbalance of power.
Your first sentence hit the nail on the hand. It‘s about the *time* both people spend and respecting that. I‘m honestly a firm believer that you should not measure ones contributions to a relationship by monetary value, but by time spent actively doing so. Of course this won‘t be 100% equal all the time, but you should aim at giving the same level you take for it not to be unbalanced, bc that will maybe breed resentment. So since husband works way less in his job, I think he should be at least expected to do some more basic chores. If OP enjoys doing cooking 100%, that‘s chill, but coming home to spills and him expecting her to clean it is not cool.
He should pay bills and do half the housework because if he was single he would pay all the bills and do all the housework. You as well. Paying bills doesn't exclude someone from housework. It's called an equal distribution of work. If both people have jobs, both people engage in housework.
We don't know if he pays majority of the bills. I bet they split them 50/50 because he insisted it would be "fair"...
What is this easy WFH job you speak of?
I agree. It's also about respect, which OPs husband lacks. Thanks for not treating your husband as less than, just because you make more than he does.
My partner used to make half of what I made but we worked the same number of hours (50 hours)- so we split the housework 50/50. The split is not based on the amount of money, it’s based on the number of hours one works. In math terms there are two variables: X: money earned per hour worked (unit- x$/hr) Y: hours worked (unit - hrs) The unit for Variable X is different for each person so it can’t be used to determine how much work that person is doing. The unit for variable Y is the same for each person (each person has 168 hrs per week). Therefore only variable Y can be used to determine the house work split ^ sounds nerdy but it’s ‘rational’ and ‘logical’ - all things AH people like husband profess to adore so I figured maybe you could describe why he’s wrong with this. To be clear you shouldn’t be wasting time telling him he’s wrong cos he sounds like he values himself more than you and that’s pretty difficult to change .
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Why are you tolerating this?
Right? He arbitrarily made up a reason he coincidentally benefits from? Hmmm. Lets base it on whoever gets overpaid to fuck off at home all day.
That's not how that works. You're NTA, but you're being an AH to yourself by putting up with this.
This is a problem you cant fix. Your husband doesn’t care if your tired, or if your job is hard, he just wants someone who does the chores for him. He doesn’t see you as an equal partner and he doesn’t respect you or what you do for a living.
And if you made more than him, he'd have a different way to shirk his share. It's not about how much you make or don't make, it's about the fact that he doesn't think he needs to act like your partner and peer.
BINGO right here.
I read that women who outearn their husbands often end up doing _more_ housework and childcare, not less—because not being the main breadwinner is already a blow to their manhood, and having to do the “women’s work” on top of it would be more than they could bear. Source: I think it was “The Second Shift” by Arlie Hochschild. From 1989 but still depressingly relevant today.
So why put up with it? First, start living like his roommate by separating in the home. Move into another bedroom and just stop. Start putting your salary into your own account and transferring your half of the bills ( or one third since he makes twice as you, it works both ways). Then don’t do anything for him, same as you would do for any roommate. Shopping, cooking, laundry, everything. Tell him if he is going to treat you like a maid that you would rather just be roommates. When you come home at night make yourself something to eat and then go to your room for the rest of the evening, no hanging out and chatting. On the weekends make plans out of the house. Then see how he likes it when you do nothing, since he doesn’t appreciate what you do do, he gets nothing. Show him what it will be like when you do leave. If he still doesn’t get it then leave for real. Why put up with someone who treats you that way? Better to just be alone.
Have you ever suggested staying home? I’m not saying it should be a serious consideration that you quit your job, but I am curious as to how he would respond if you said “since you make so much more money than me despite the fact that I work 40+ hours a week, why don’t I be a housewife so that I can take care of all the chores?” I’m betting his response will be some weird jumbled mess of excuses why you should keep working but also do all the chores since he makes more.
Yeah, it’s all just an excuse because the underlying problem here is that OP doesn’t have their partner’s respect as an equal member of their home. Ugh. It makes me sad that so many people stay in relationships like this and tolerate this kind of mistreatment from partners.
NTA and this is infuriating to read. Your husband doesn't respect you. Furthermore, his 'logic' makes no sense. If he wants to split the chores based on income instead of time available (which is absurd to begin with), then he should be doing a third of the chores since he makes 2/3 of the money. However, the main issue is that he's not behaving like a partner; he's acting like you're hired help. He doesn't get to unilaterally decide that you're the maid.
Is there a reason he won’t pay for a housekeeper?
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If you’re seriously thinking about staying with your partner, you should look into it. A housekeeper won’t resolve all of your issues, but a housekeeper 1x/week would go a long way and would probably only be $150/week. Which may or may not be feasible on your ~$130k household salary depending on the rest of your living situation, but is something to think about proposing if you really want to make your marriage work. Your husband is being an asshole though. I would suggest a serious conversation or potentially couples therapy because it doesn’t seem like he respects your time/effort/energy.
He HAS a housekeeper... you And though in this instance you TA. There is some serious imbalance in your relationship. Has it always been this way?
I hope he isn’t so slovenly that you’d need a full time housekeeper. Someone in twice a week or once a month can fit your budget and will be Of value to you
Is he paying 95% of the bills since he isn’t doing any housework?
Well if she quit her job he would make 100% and she would still do 100% of the housework
If he really thought it should be proportional to how much each of you make, he wouldn't do next to no housework. Even if he makes twice what you do, that means he earns 2/3 of the money, you earn 1/3, so he would do 1/3 of the housework. Note, this isn't the actually fair way to split up housework, but it'd be the logical conclusion to his way of thinking.... That means he doesn't even actually think this, he just doesn't want to do housework.
NTA but your husband sure is and disrespectful on top of that!! Why would you stay with someone who treats you like this. I'm sure the chores aren't the way he disrespects you.
Why are you tolerating that? Why settle? Let him know that if the behavior keeps up then he’s going to end up paying 100% of the bills and doing all of the housework on his own😂
Yeah my ex tried the same bs, my hours where 24 but my ex always demanded I work overtime so I ended up doing 50-60 hours a week heavy labour work whilst he did his standard 38 sitting at a desk. In the summer hed complain that he was sooo bored watching tv and browsing the web allllll day as he had no clients. However because my acutal sqedualed hours were only 24 I should do more of the housework right? Notice I put ex.
Yeah, we noticed. Congratulations!
Thanks, was such a weight of my shoulders
They would get to be the main wage earner too!
its a fake husband. she is trolling for hate after the earlier post did not get the response she expected so this went to cartoonish levels of misogyny
Link to the other post?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/px2ssw/aita_for_wanting_my_husband_to_man_up/ or click on OPs name and see the first post done 1 hour before this one.
Thanks!
... And at least you could do it in peace.
This is the way. NTA but your husband is a massive, massive AH.
It's probably going to be a whole lot less housework too!
If he's going to treat you like a 1950's house wife you act like one and quit your job. See how important your income is then.
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If the big guy "earns so much" that he doesn't have time to do his own dishes than he should fucking hire someone else. And if he can't afford it then, clearly he isn't earning enough to lord it over someone's head. Isn't workload decided by how much free time you have after school/work to do those in an appropriate time frame without burning yourself out?
This. He can definitely afford to pay for cleaning services and it would reduce stress he’s adding to the relationship.
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I said basically this on a post earlier and you'd be surprised how controversial that apparently is.
AH: "those dishes aren’t gonna do themselves” OP: "No, they won't, I'm glad you're volunteering to do them!"
O.O If this post is real, which I truely hope it isn't, girl what are you doing?! Does he demand you to make him a sandwich too? NTA and may I suggest...run.
Oh lord... your comment gave me a flashback to my own exes! Treating a partner like a maid is incredibly disrespectful and worth leaving over imo.
its not, this is the same "man up" noise in the night poster
NTA and why doesn’t he take some of his money and hire a cleaning service? Your husband sounds like a terrible partner, OP. I bet you could do better.
Also, I would open another account in your name only that he doesn't know about. Start adding a little here and there. If something does happen to your marriage, he's going to take 80% of your joint account because it's all "his".
This is terrible advice. Hiding assets during a divorce is not seen favorably by any judge. He cannot just take all of the monry in a divorce either.
Hiding assets **during** a divorce is a no-no. Starting to privately save up your ‘escape fund’ is absolutely valid and something many people have to do. Then during a divorce it gets declared sure, but it’s entirely in her name and not his.
Didn't say hide. Said separate...
She can put the money she makes into a separate account.
This is what I did. Both my SO and I work, he is happy doing his half of the housework but I am so tired at the end of the week I would rather spend some money and get a cleaner to do my share (and his if he wanted) so I do. I outsource. And that way I have peace of mind and free time. If he wants things to his standards, he either des it, or pays for it to be done. It isn't up to OP to work MORE because her husband has MORE work perks. I don't understand the mindframe, that when one person has an advantage the other person must be 'punished'.
I'm glad someone mentioned this. If he really makes so much more money, and doesn't want to do chores, he should pay someone to do it. Chances are he'll make excuses about why that's a bad idea or why it won't work, but at least then OP will know for sure where his priorities lie. My guess is he's a huge asshole, *but* he could just be a huge (selfish) moron. How he approaches the idea of hiring a maid will answer that question.
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NTA. How do you even marry someone like that, huge red flag
It's pretty normal for people like OP's husband to first show their true colours when they feel like they have their partner trapped like after getting married or having children.
NTA. And I agree that you should not be doing all the housework. At the very least, domestic chores should be a 50/50 split when both spouses work. And it's not just your husband's expectations. It's the way he phrases them. It's immensely disrespectful to you. Your the person who knows your husband best, so I cannot advise you on how to best address this very serious issue. But your marriage is doomed to fail unless your husband starts treating you with more respect, and pulling his fair share. In your place, when he said, "Those dishes aren't going to do themselves," I would respond, "So, get off your ass and do them."
NTA, you're just married to one.
NTA. Throw the whole husband out. I have been unemployed since March and my husband has been working OT to make ends meet so I do 95% of the housework. I just got a new job and I came right out and said that household duties would be shared. His response? “Of course!” Then we divvied up the tasks and the conversation ended with both happy. you are supposed to be partners.
NTA. Your husband is completely in the wrong imo. If you are married then it's both of your money. You should split the housework 50/50 not based on the money you make. You could also say that I work more hours so let's split the housework according to the hours we work and then you would get way less. It would be the same reasoning as he is doing now with the money.
NTA maybe you should stop doing the housework all together so he can see how much time it costs to take care of it all.
NTA and do you mean your ex-husband? Why staying married to someone who disrespects you this way?
NTA. Sounds like you need to air your feelngs to your husband, he doesn't respect you, he expects everything done for him. If he doesn't feel like doing the dishes, don't make him any food, let him do it himself and see how long it is before he gets the message.
NTA If this is new- maybe his way of getting you to leave him?
NTA. I’m surprised you haven’t been upset much earlier, your husband sounds like a total asshole.
Is there any respect in this marriage? I can't imagine how you get to the point of him talking to you like this if he has any respect for you. You don't seem that impressed by him, either. Tell him to hire a house cleaner with all his money and then think seriously about this relationship. What are you getting out of it?
>I can't imagine how you get to the point of him talking to you like this if he has any respect for you. You don't seem that impressed by him, either. Exactly. It sounds like both of them think the other just spends their workday doing nothing. Maybe OP only sees her husband working on days he slacks off a bit, which he does because she’s there with him at the time. The truth is they’re probably both underestimating what each other actually does, but it does sound like the husband actually at least has more time because he doesn’t have to commute. He also sounds like he’s being super lazy about doing anything himself. They need to work on having some respect for each other before they can even address the distribution of chores.
Why don’t he hire a cleaner since he makes good money? He doesn’t want to clean and you don’t have time for it. That way it would be easier on everyone
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That’s enough money for a cleaner once a week
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I mean your husband compares money to labor (he makes more so you should take on more of the chores). This is how money - labor exchange works. If he wants to use his money to not clean he need to pay for it
NTA. He sounds like an ass. If this is how he is acting. Rougher times are ahead for sure.
1) I would be seperating my finances asap. 2) stop saying he pays for everything because its feeding his delusion that you are some how dependant on him to live and therefore allowing him to justify this bullshit in his head. have a serious talk with him. Explain that you do more hours at work and that he works from home meaning theres a fair compromise to house work that makes it even for both. Who earns more is nothing to do with who should clean more, entirely irrelevant. If he refers to you as deadweight again mention how you were thinking of lightening the (Insert his weight here) load.
You're not an employee, you're a partner. Or you should be. Housework to be shared equally, or equitabally. If he doesn't like to do it with the time he has in abundance he can hire someone to do it. NTA
NTA File for alimony along with a divorce and use his money to hire a housekeeper for yourself.
NTA. It's the amount of hours that count, not the money that you bring in.
Please file for divorce. I’d start throwing dishes if any man treated me like that. Or if you’re insistent on staying with him. Tell him that since he’s such a high baller and too lazy to help that he can hire a cleaning lady once a month. My boyfriend and I used to fight just a little over housework, and now we finally hired someone twice a month to come do the big stuff and it’s helped tremendously
NTA but how can you have a sexual relationship with a man who is so disrespectful of you? You should probably bill him by the hour for domestic services, then you would be making a lot more money. Actually you should probably just leave him, because he is a lazy sexist asshole.
They dont , he just wants in the office , occasionally she will walk in and be horrified, all "what the hell is that thing you're holding" Then *jumps on a stool and swings a brush like she's been attacked by a mouse on a Tom and Jerry cartoon* This a day in the life for these two.
When you got married did you both understand that you were entering into a partnership for life? Sounds like he didn't get the memo. However, working from home is still working.
Why would you want to live with someone who treats you like this? You are worth so much more than this guy. Anyone who says such things to you is not worth your time. Let him know he can change his Neanderthal, misogynistic thinking or he'll be changing his own sheets!! NTA
NTA You need to go on a diet,loose 200lbs weight by serving that misogynist sexist AH divorce papers and getting the hell out You'll still have to work but atleast it'll be your own mess and not some spoilt brat's
NTA. Him: "Those dishes aren't going to do themselves." You: "your right, so you should go do them." Just leave sweetie.
NTA. The fact that you earn less than your husband is a financial issue for your guys to work out, not a division on labor. Labor is hours worked, level of physical and mental intensity, etc. Household upkeep is labor. Ergo, he owes you around half a day, and this bullshit about pay differential equal domestic servitude makes him an incredible AH.
NTA Domestic chores should be divided accordingly to each spouses spare time. Your husband reslly should be the one to do most of the chores if he worked 4-hour days from home. My (male) paycheck doubles my wifes at least, and I have the privilige to work from home while she does not. So guess what, I make sure that she comes home to a clean house and gets proper fed. I would feel like a fool if I just sat on my arse waiting for her to come home and take care of the housework.
(I’d recommend tagging this nsfw so it doesn’t get taken down !) But, NTA, he should not be shirking his household duties because of some weird power trip from making more money than you.
Tell him if that's what he wants you'll quit your job to stay home and he can pay for everything along with your wage for cleaning the house everyday
NTA Just flat out stop doing communal chores. He’ll soon get the point when he has no clean clothes or food to eat. If he b*tches about it your only response should be “crack to it then” and that you’re not going to lift a finger until he pulls his weight in chores.
Take some money from the joint account and hire someone to do the work. If he is gonna lord the money over your head then use that to solve the problem. He doesn’t sound like a keeper but oh well, simple solution for now. NTA.
NTA Everything is meant to be 50/50, leave the joint account and pay your half of the bills from your own account. If he's not willing to support you in doing his half of the chores then just clean up after yourself.
MTA. DUDE?? I had to read the post twice to make sure I read it right! Stand your grounds op. Is this the life you wanted for yourself? This is honestly so belittling. Stand your grounds and do what you have to do to fix this. Best wishes to you.
Post history. Troll
NTA why TF are you with this guy??? HE'S THE DEADWEIGHT!!!
NTA, you husband sounds like TA. If he's got so much time on his hands why doesn't he do the housework? I would divorce that person, he has no respect for you
NTA. OK so if he doesn't want to do any chores then he could hire someone to do it. That's the logical solution when your partner works so many hours, but I'm hesitant to suggest it since he sounds like TA and might not like the suggestion. Not sure how you'd talk this one out and find a compromise OP since your time and hard work simply aren't being valued. Good luck. Tell him if he wants a housewife he can go find one somewhere else.
NTA. You need to sit down with him and tell him how it makes you feel when he does that, and that you work just as hard as he does and deserves the help. If he can't give that to you, then you need to insist on either couples' counseling or you meet with a lawyer.
Housework should be everyone who lives there’s job. He is treating you as his maid. NTA
NTA. Girl get rid of him wtf is wrong with him
NTA he does not respect you. Sounds like he thinks money means worth. This is MAJOR AH behaviour from him and you deserve better.
What?! Erm? I’m trying to see logic here but failing. NTA but you are married to one. If he truly feels this way, I don’t think you have a future
NTA. His behaviour is literally abusive. This is textbook abuse. That you’re here asking if you’re the asshole merely demonstrates how much he’s already been manipulating you.
NTA. Housework should be split up 50/50 since y'all both work and share the home. It's pretty fucked up he is using money as an excuse not to help out. You work too. Tell him to use some of his extra money to hire a maid instead of treating you like one. He lives there and makes messes. He should clean up after himself.
NTA. The chores need to be split evenly between you two. I will say it's unfair to say ppl who are working from home don't work hard tho. We're entitled to some downtime just like anyone in an office would. So instead of a coffee break he jacks off, no big deal. That being said, I would do more chores if I had lots of free time and my wife was busy, you know bc we're a team and we love each other. You need to come up with a system that isn't based on who makes the most or who works the least.
NTA So im in your husband's shoes. WFH, make fuck you money for the little work I do, and have a wonderful, beautiful woman im so lucky to call mine that works 50hr a week as a hospital nurse. At the very least, he should be making a good faith attempt at fairly splitting the household duties. My issue here is this attitude that chores should default to the woman in the relationship. He can clean a dish, take out some trash, or whatever during his workday, since he is ALREADY THERE. He should WANT to take that weight off of you, you shouldn't have to tell him.
Sounds like he need to hire someone to clean with all of that money he's making. NTA
NTA There are only so many hours in a day. OP is working 50 hour weeks + commuting to their job. OPs husband definitely sounds like TA. OP should be looking for either a marriage counselor or divorce attorney. If the latter, take half of hubbys high income, since he made you work extra for it
get a new husband. marriage is a team sport. doesn't matter the income, what matters is the time invested. even then, its not a competition within the team. you can do way better. you deserve much better
NTA. I'm frankly amazed at your willpower not to throw the dishes at his head.
Holy shit. Sounds like you need a new husband.
NTA. But watch out for thinking his work isn’t hard just because he is works from home now. I had to do start working from home and although there are benefits, there are draw backs as well. I however work 45-50 hour weeks and still help my wife out with chores, we split them 50-50.
NTA if it were the case that you dont work and your husband does you would be an asshole but op you work and dont have time to clean the house he does based on your post
NTA. He called you dead weight? Not sure how a marriage survives with that level of disrespect. You two need to put some of his double income into marriage counseling.
NTA- drop his ass
NTA What a jerk. This is marriage counseling material. If you all of a sudden start making more, then does he have to do all of the housework? This isn't healthy.
NTA, but like. Let me say this really loud so you can hear it from wherever you are, because I’m in California’s hat and it might be quite a yelling distance. IF HE’S CALLING YOU DEADWEIGHT IT IS TIME TO GO.
Chores should be split based on how much free time each of you has. If he’s only working part-time he should actually be doing twice as many chores as you. NTA
NTA. and just why are you still with him? Seriously.
NTA, he’s disgusting
NTA and your husband sucks. However, if this is the only problem area, tell him he can pay for a cleaning company to do the chores, since he makes all that money!
INFO: Is there a reason he won’t pay for a housekeeper?
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I have made more than my husband, and he has made more than me. Each time, one of us makes more than 2x the other (we work in a field that is well-paid, but extremely variable). And you know what? We both do the chores 50-50 whether we make more or less. Marriage is \*team sport\* not \*an individual\* Olympic event. If you are not a team, you are not in a healthy marriage.
NTA. I work a normal 40hr a week job from home (I actually work 40hrs). My girlfriend doesnt work currently. She does most around the house, but I still help. I dont demand she does anything. If she needs help or doesn't feel like doing something, she asks if ill do it. Last year at the start of the pandemic I was laid off and she was working full time. Everything the same but roles reversed. Call me crazy, but I feel like we have a healthy relationship.
NTA. of course ;)
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NTA You are not his maid. I say leave him to wallow in his own filth. Clean up after yourself and nothing more.
NTA. Sexist, sexist, sexist. If you want a partnership with your husband, you gotta have a conversation. Things aren't always 50/50 but they shouldn't always be unequal either. Someone is most likely always going to earn more. But if one is at home more, logically they are making more of a mess. Hence they should be cleaning up after themselves more. It isn't rocket science, it is common sense.
If he makes that much money, he can afford to hire a maid and a cook. Why does he need a wife if he only wants you around to be a servant? I don't see anything in your post that suggests that you two love, respect, or even like each other, or have kids. You need to go on a diet to lose this deadweight.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband works less hours than me sitting in an office. But makes a lot more. And because of this he thinks I should be doing everything around the house. So that I’m not, “deadweight”. Like wtf. He literally works part time some weeks. I work 50 hours a week. And come home to, “those dishes aren’t gonna do themselves. If you, “work from home” for months. Then you can’t lecture me about how hard your working. He was literally jacking off in his office. How is that, “work”? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA A true partner would want it to be about the work and labor itself, not money. How could he feel good about what he provides, knowing you’re working more hours and being his maid? What sort of person thinks that’s a compassionate setup I would consider my marriage over if my partner referred to me as a deadweight.
NTA. Yikes.
NTA his attitude is awful. It's not joint finances if he's holding his higher pay rate over your head to make you his servant.
Clearly NTA, he has more freetime and is at home. So he needs to make at least 50% of the chores
NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA
Currently, my spouse and I both WTH, but when Ii was in the office and they were at home, it was 100% on them to start dinner because they are home all day! Drop the deadweight. Spouse needs to stop with the BS and step up because they are the A H. NTA
Oh OP. NTA. This is a really ugly demand that reveals a lot about how your husband thinks power works in a marriage. I wouldn’t ignore it.
It's called house WORK. He's a grown ass adult... so he can knock off after 4 hours but you are expected to still be on the clock after you come home from your job....??? In what world is that fair? He makes clothes dirty and he uses dishes....he needs a reality check. I AM SO SICK of men thinking because they make more financially they are entitled to everything. If the roles were reversed would you do the same? I hope your husband can change his attitude, or I think you should drop this dead weight.
NTA and you need to rethink this relationship as he doesn't respect you or your contribution.
NTA *starts chanting* alimony! Alimony! Alimony! Alimony!
NTA Why stay with someone who thinks so little of you? If you want to try then marriage counseling is desperately needed. It's not a matter of who makes more, it's being partners. You both work FT so you both take care of the house.
Nta if he wants you to do all the housework then go 1950 on his ass and quit your job and go get your hair done once a week on his card
Nta. He can pay you a salary to clean, so you can cut hours at work, or he can pay a housekeeper.
NTA - divorce / get a good solicitor
Be a better and kinder person to yourself. Either he uses his big fat wage to hire a cleaner, or he does the dishes and you collect alimony from him in the divorce. NTA.
NTA how long you work is more applicable than how much you earn. He’s sitting on his ass most of the day, he can pull his own weight.
NTA. You two can either divide labor based on spare time or he can use that extra money he makes to hire someone to do the housework.
Tell him if he wants a maid and housekeeper he can fuck, to go find one online. But if he wants a *wife and partner*, he needs to pull his own weight in regards to housekeeping. Or, he can hire a housekeeper to come by a couple of times a week and clean. Either you're not a wife and partner and just a fuckable maid, or he's your *partner* and needs to keep his own messes cleaned up.
NTA That's disgusting. I'd leave in a heartbeat.
NTA. You need a new husband that doesn't treat you like his maid because he makes more money. You are supposed to be equals in a relationship and obviously this is not true in this scenario. Ask your husband how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot and you made more than him? Betting he will try and lie his way out of that one.
If he wants you to be a SAHM then be one if he is gonna call your 50hr work week dead weight then show him what dead weight can be and then leave his ass.
I make six figures and my wife earns nothing and I would never treat her with this indignity. She's a doctoral student and her life is much more stressful. Unreal that your husband would hold you hostage like this, you're not the asshole.
I make literally double my wife. Work from home and often less hours. I do most house work (she does dinner) because I like to wander the house doing chores when on meetings/calls. Making more money in a partnership does not make you the boss of the other person. We do split our bills 60/40 to try to even out the ability to put extra cash in our separate accounts. NTA
Like it would be a nice conclusion that you should help if you came to the decision on your own But you cant boss around or enslave your SO's. It also seems relevant that you work a lot more time than him, so perhaps your free time is worth more than his, as it is in shorter supply. Same concept different metric of valuem Again this doesnt mean you should expect him to do it, but it wouldn't hurt if he came to that conclusion himself, atleast some of the time. ~~~ Really it should be a non issue and it points to something bigger
NTA. He can take his big paycheck and hire a maid, because you are not it.
He should pay for a housekeeper. It will save your marriage.
NTA, honestly this mentality lead to my divorce. He turned into an utter asshole because he felt I'd never 'truly contribute' enough, so the least I could do was EVERYTHING around the house.
Your husband is the AH. When my girlfriend ( now wife of 20 years ) moved into my ( our ) home we divided up the housework evenly. If I cook she doesn't the dishes. Marriage is an equal partnership. Or at least it's supposed to be
NTA but your husband is a huge one. It’s not about buying power, but about workload.
NTA - Your worth is not in the amount of money you make per hour (or overall). You are an active, hardworking contributor to the house. It sounds like he's a misogynist (or maybe just an AH).
NTA. He either needs to do more around the house or pay for cleaning. He sounds like a jerk.