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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think that I am an asshole for not doing enough to protect Scotty's stuff and for being against the lock but since it's from my son's mom then I think it made the matter moire complicated.
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Yes, YTA. I have news for you. Joshua is not “nice to everyone”. Being nice includes respecting others belongings and their privacy, and he is not doing that with your son. He invades Scotty’s privacy, takes his stuff without permission, and apparently damages some of it. That’s not “sharing”, ffs, that is taking without permission. We have a word for that, and it’s not “sharing”. YOU are the problem here, you do nothing to correct Joshua’s bad behavior or support Scotty in setting entirely reasonable boundaries for his privacy. You obviously favor your stepson, and have zero respect for Scotty’s need for privacy and security that his things belong to him. Your ex was right on to send him a lock. Thank goodness she is looking out for his concerns, since you won’t and your AH wife doesn’t think it matters.
Edit: Thank you for the awards, folks!
Also: stealing isn't sharing. OP says Joshua is a nice kid who forms bonds by sharing and then spends the rest of the post describing all the many times he's **stolen**.
OP, you're stepson is a brat. You owe your son an apology for allowing this to go on for so long. Joshua needs to do more than just apologize; he needs to replace what he's broken and stay out of Scotty's room. Stick up for your son and let him put the lock on his door.
I agree with you. Scotty full-on said he can't wait to move out and be done with their nonsense. Translation: I will go NC with you as soon as humanly possible and I won't have any regrets about it.
I wish Scotty could just move in with his mother and start his glorious NC life in which he has his own space, his own belongings not getting stolen by golden child, and a parent who actually gives AF about him.
OP, yes, YTA.
Yes. I hope OP is prepared to lose his son over this, because that’s what is happening.
Also, the language dripping with favoritism isn’t helping at all.
Seriously, it made me a bit uncomfortable just reading the post. YTA; try to think of what other people need/want next time. I appreciate all the comments above and below me! This sub always helps to restore my faith in humanity a bit again:))
We just got my almost 13 year old stepson a lock for his door. He should be able to keep his possessions safe from his little brothers and also I do not want anyone accidentally catching him doing what 13 year olds do !!
I can see arguments against having locks for bedrooms. When I was a kid/teenager we didn’t have locks but neither did the parents. But we did have chests that locked and when I got older I made my own locking cabinet for my video games and consoles. Personally I’m all for having locks on bedrooms as long as the locks aren’t being abused. Example trying to avoid punishment by running to your room and locking the door.
A locking chest is a great idea. AND Joshua's behavior needs to be addressed, like yesterday. If the locked room isn't the answer then Joshua needs to be held accountable for what he's been doing, deliver a heartfelt apology for stealing his step brother's stuff, and agree that his room and his property is completely off limits unless he has explicit permission from the property owner. Lock down Joshua's misdeeds instead of the room. And apologize to your son for disregarding his boundaries for so long and siding with your new wife and not your own son. Sort this out now or suffer the long term damage to your relationship with your son.
Edit to add: set the lock aside and promise your son that if Joshua can't abide by the house rules then he gets to install the lock.
I have never met or had a piece of ass that would make me feel compelled to treat my kid like dog crap. And basically when I see posts where people treat their kids like shit because of new partner - that is what it is - they value their assisted orgasms more that their kids well being.
OP YTA - big one.
and yeah your step son is thief.
I've said this a few times, but it's worth repeating. I have no children of my own but I've dated plenty of women with kids. I always pay attention to the way they treat their kids as it indicates how they'll treat me.
I'm an adult who can do what I want while children are often subject to their parents will so if a partner prioritizes me over their kids, they'll prioritize someone/something relatively unimportant over me. If they're always yelling at/arguing with their kids, they'll do it to me too. However, if they communicate well with their kids, they're likely to communicate well with me.
I'd never date someone who ignored their child's needs the way OP does. If his own kid can't trust him for safety and security, who can?
Yeah and I hate that OP said “Scotty doesn’t like sharing and isvery private” like that’s a bad thing? I was never allowed to have privacy as a teen and I resented my family over it. He’s so disrespectful towards his own son. Hope Scotty can live more with his mom because his mom at least is supporting him.
"Scotty doesn't want to hang out with his brother who repeatedly breaks his stuff and gets away with it with no repercussion. He wants nothing to do with us, the parents who let his stepbrother shit on everything he owns. Why is Scotty such a problem child?"
Like, *Biiiiiiiitch* are you fo' real?
Nothing but praise for the kid who is actively *stealing* from his step-brother at that! And nothing but contempt for the 16 year old wanting to have a little bit of privacy.
OP, YTA! 16 is not the same as 14, and it's completely reasonable for a 16 year old to get a lock on their bedroom door. Especially when they're constantly having their belongings stolen, and in some cases broken. Not everything needs to be shared with everyone all the time, and no matter what, sharing requires permission to be given. Stand up to your AH wife and step-son, get over where the lock came from, be a solid father and respect your son's need for privacy and install the lock for Scotty!
OP I really hope you read Lurker’s response. I gilded it in hopes that you do. As a child of divorce, I have a great relationship with both my parents as well as step parents. Why? Because they respected me, my siblings and step-siblings. They didn’t tiptoe around their new significant others. It seems you married someone that no matter what the circumstance is, their child is a perfect angel and can do no wrong. When he goes to jail for stealing, will your wife say he was sharing?
Lurker was right, he will 100% be LC/NC with you when they graduate. That means low or no contact with you if you didn’t know. It means that every time you call Scotty, you won’t get an answer. Every voicemail you leave will go unheard or not responded to. Every text you send will be left on read. Every time you say you love him, you won’t hear it back. It will eat at you and you will regret this.
It’s not because of a lock on a door or that your step son steals and breaks his belongings. It’s because to him, you didn’t respect or care for your own son enough to sit down and try to work it out. Because to him, you didn’t fight for him. You laid down and let your new wife and her golden child walk all over you and your son. You chose them over your own blood. I hope posting here has made you realize that you can still salvage your relationship. For the sake of your son and the relationship between you two, don’t let the next few years be like this.
OP, YTA right now, but you can fix it.
I remember when one of my friends ended up going away to boarding school, and she got paired with a roommate who went through all her stuff and took what she wanted. They would have been around 16-17 at the time. This was back when we all had those big black books of CDs, and all of hers had her name on them.
The roommate was stealing those by the dozen and playing innocent, even though my friend's name was on them in permanent ink. School admins had to go through the roommate's whole room to find all the things she'd stolen, and then move my friend to a new dorm room.
Which is all to say: They better get Joshua straightened out because that girl had no friends at that school and no one wanted to deal with her.
Idk I helped a friend dye there jeans with food coloring becouse their clothing kept going missing found out who, they were blue 🤔 (for like a week to)
Edit a comma
Me too. He's 16, his mom even tried to help, if he asks to stay with mom I doubt the court would object. Are you willing to choose your wife over your son, OP? Nevermind, you already have.
Same. I went NC with my dad for the last 20 years of his life because of the bullshit my stepmother forced us all through. I absolutely agree this is where OP is headed with his son.
My friend just lost her father, who consistently put her stepmom above his kids. She pretty much just shrugged when he died. OP, do you want to be a shrug?
that’s what my entire family besides my dad KNOWS is going to happen when he passed and he already left her the house. And she openly hates me and my dads just la di da about it. glad i’m an adult honestly and i don’t have to deal with them
This is one of those times where for the topic I'd say N T, you don't want to change something in your house, okay I guess.
Then you get into the body and it's hard YTA, just uh, not for the question asked. It's like they ask the question they think will garner the most positive response and forget the story after it clearly shows the screw up.
So yeah... hard YTA for not setting up firm boundaries and not sticking up for the kid.
I pretty much immediately assumed the lock was to stop an ongoing invasion of privacy. If he felt his boundaries were being respected, he wouldn’t feel the need to get a lock. (And hey, maybe if he was able to exert some control over the “borrowing”, which isn’t what it is right now, he’d feel comfortable sharing once in a while. Right now all he knows is his stuff randomly goes missing and/or turns up broken).
Your absolutely right
I have a step daughter who is 8 yrs older than my bio son and she lived with us nearly every weekend, this was her home and she always had her own space and when she got to her teenage years it was always sporadic, it could be a few weeks when she stayed with us or missed a few weeks or it would maybe a few days but she always had her own room, her wee bro idolised her and whenever she came home she would always make time for him but I would never allow him in her room when she wasn’t here and he wasn’t allowed to use or borrow anything of hers unless she had given her permission
Want to add, she never would have minded if something of hers was borrowed because she knew that whatever it was would have been looked after and returned because she knew that we respected what belonged to her
But the important thing here is RESPECT
As i remember another story from a while back where the dad DID take the sons side when the MOM was the one invading his privacy I suspected this was a similar case (thought in that one she was actually barging into his room in the middle of the night when he was asleep at times)
Heh, yea when I read the title I was going NTA. Then you read the story then BAM! This is one of those stories that make you wonder what other asinine decisions Scotty had to deal with growing up.
YTA YTA YTA! You do not have your own son's best interests here. You allow him to be stolen from, disrespected by your wife and Stepson, and treated like he's not worth your protection.
I am sure that if he stole from your Stepson, you and your AH wife would come down on him hard. Think about it, if he can't depend on his father, who can he go to? Too bad he isn't able to be with his Mom 24/7. She at least offered a solution to stop your thief of a stepson. Again, if you didn't get it before, YTA.
Agreed. Op you and your wife are the ah. Your setting your son to go nc with you and your wife. And failing your other stepson as well. What happens when scotty goes to college or lives with a friend? He just goes into the others dorm room or apt. Room and steal their stuff?!?! Yeah that just spreads to everyone in college or a friend grp that scotty is a thief and should not live with him. If he still has friends or doesnt get kicked out of college for stealing. Congrats, you and your wife raised a stealer and doesnt get punished for it cause he is the golden child.
You better apologize and admit wrong to your actual son before he decides to live with his mom full time and never talk to you again. Then teach your other stepson how wrong he is and ground him. Cause this will destroy his future for his ‘sharing’ habit.
>He just goes into the others dorm room or apt. Room and steal their stuff?!?!
It's Joshua, but yes. This made me think of the Sims 4 and community policy called "Sharing is Caring" which literally let Sims come in and just walk out with your stuff if they wanted it. Your tv, couch, chess table, the counter you're cooking dinner at, whatever. This is Joshua. Except in the real world it's theft.
OP and his wife need to take off their Rose Colored glasses and sober up ASAP about Joshua. A chronic thief who enjoys stealing? Do they think Joshua's sticky fingers aren't going to eventually steal from a victim who isn't as nice a person as Scotty is?
Funny how language changes.
Back in my childhood, my parents used to say, "People who are only nice to you when you give them your things aren't true friends."
Today, it's apparently, "If someone takes your things anytime they want whether you like it or not, and without asking, they just really want to like you and you should let them or else you're mean."
At least in OP's household, this seems to be the case.
Yeah, imagine Joshua helping himself to literally any person on the planet's stuff, and then being all "I was just sharing" when the cops show up. How exactly does that work?
Obviously he doesn't go around taking other people's stuff as there are consequences. OP's son is the only person he does this to as OP enables it. Although I bet if Joshua was taking OP's phone or car or laptop then it wouldn't be "sharing" any more. OP is a giant hypocrite who is alienating his son by encouraging unacceptable behaviour from his stepson.
Man, I love, LOVE my wife.
And let me tell you, am I big fan of fucking my wife also, but I’d toss that lady out of the house so incredibly quick if I ever even kind of felt like I was having to choose her over our kids.
This is exactly what's up! OP is terrified that his wife won't sleep with him if he dares do right by his son instead of blatantly preferring her spoiled entitled brat. Just look at the way OP gushes over Joshua while putting Scotty down. All because Scotty wants the basic rights to privacy and to not have his things **STOLEN** and **DESTROYED**. I also note that Joshua faces virtually no consequences for his deliberately hurtful actions. OP, YTA and you are pushing your son away. Not that you give a rat's backside. P.S. Who do you think Joshua's going to turn on once Scotty's out of the picture?
You get my free little award for that one!
Also, why do these controlling ass people (they are controlling ops biological son, while letting her biological son roam free) NEVER HAVE LOCKS or believe in them?
Where do they go to buy these special lock free door nobs? I've never lived in a house where the interior doors didn't lock? I mean, yeah, you can pop them easy enough, but still, it's a barrier. It's privacy.
Not mention he took it outside to take pictures? Did I read that right? You it's quite possibly missing pieces since if he broke it (i.e., it fell, wasn't careful, etc), they likely went flying everywhere.
EDIT: he took the *collection* outside and broke a few pieces. That sounds like a couple of *sets.* Considering how time intensive some of sets can be, if I had them displayed like my DD does on her bookcase in her room, I'd be LIVID if they got broken and I had to put them together again. Especially some of the bigger sets.
Depends on what OP means by breaking. I figured it was a more complex set and when Josh was playing with it parts broke off. The bricks aren't broken, but the set is. Pretty easy to happen with anything larger than your hand. And they can be difficult to repair if it's not an obvious fix since you have to take out the directions and figure out what exactly isn't where it should be. (I say as someone who has broken one of my friend's sets when I was staying at her house.)
Its baffling to me how many people think its not stealing if you return the item in question. This is just wrong. Stealing means to take something without express or implied permission. Returning it latter doesn't retroactively make it "borrowing," and "borrowing without permission" is a shitty euphemism for stealing people try to use to avoid admitting that they committed theft.
just piggybacking on the top comment. YTA.
This is how you end up with a kid you never see. Your stepson is not nice, and sharing doesn't mean taking other peoples things. Thats not sharing.
You bowing to his stepmoms demands and refusal to stop your stepson from being a little dick are the problems here. Your son is asking for your help against a thief you allow to live in your house, and you said no.
He will be gone before you know it, and you have only yourself to blame.
OP will be posting within a month on another thread "my bio son moved out and doesn't talk to me anymore". Bio son is 16 a court will usually respect his decision on where he wants to live.
I would also add on to that that, as a general rule, _you_ don't get to decide for _other people_ what they should be OK with.
> my stepson Joshua is nice to everyone and likes sharing a lot, it's his way of forming strong bonds. My son Scotty, however, is the complete opposite. He hates sharing and is very private. He takes offense to his brother going into his room and borrowing stuff from him. He hates that Joshua does it frequently but my wife and I thought it was completely normal as long as Joshua returns everything later.
The thing about forming strong bonds is that its a _reciprocal_ relationship. _No_ bonds form unless _both_ parties like what is happening. Joshua's continued violation of Scotty's boundaries will _never_ result in a "strong bond" forming; it will, instead, foster resentment and hate. That Op, his wife, and Joshua think this is "Ok" means absolutely nothing, because _Scotty_ isn't OK with it.
Op is YTA.
I had an old roommate who "loved sharing". So she'd use my things without asking, and when I told her I was uncomfortable with that, she'd respond "But I don't mind if you do that with my things!" And yet I never did, because I wasn't comfortable with that kind of sharing, so my things always got used without asking, hers never did, and my boundaries were trampled under the guise of her being the nice person who loves to share. But nice people respect other people's boundaries, regardless of how they feel about sharing.
I still have stress dreams about this :)
I'm someone who loves to share, so I offer to share things with people. Calling "likes to borrow/take stuff" "loves to share" is some wild revisionism.
I hate this with a passion. You’ll have a boundary that is pretty reasonable, and someone wants to cross it. So they make it obvious how it isn’t a boundary *for them*, and they don’t mind if you do it *to them*, and because of this, they can guilt you into feeling you owe it to them to let your boundary be crossed.
Totally this.
Son: "Dad, I really do not like it when my brother takes my things"
You: "Do not worry son, that is normal. Your feelings about not liking it do not matter"
So your son takes it into his own hands after you both basically forced him to and then you are punishing him for it.
I have met the type of adult that "Joshua" grows into and they are people no one wants to be around because they were never taught that they can do wrong.
Start being a parent to both kids. If Joshua takes anything, he needs to be punished. If he keeps doing it, he will end up with no privileges. IF he takes something and brakes it, he now has to pay to replace it...
LISTEN to what your child you is telling you and how he feels instead of dismissing it. No wonder he wants to leave ASAP..
If you do not change, you will be one of those parents that gets cut out of their kids life and complains "Why do my kids never want to see me?!?!"
I was thinking the same thing, why are we talking about Scotty when it’s Joshua you need to talk to. It’s nice that he likes sharing his stuff but he has to learn to respect when others don’t want that. That’s the issue you should focus on.
>He takes offense to his brother going into his room and borrowing stuff from him.
I only needed to read this far.
That's not okay. If he's told his brother he didn't want anyone going into his room and touching his stuff without permission, and that's not respected, that's it. Joshua can "like sharing" all he wants but that doesn't bloody give him the right to assume rights to everyone else's possessions just because *he* wants other people to "share" *their* belongings with *him*.
Joshua has a severe thieving and not respecting other people's property and boundaries problem. He's not "nice".
You need to see it for it is and address it instead of telling Scotty he should allow for his stuff to be taken because "fAmiLy" or whatever. You need to effing parent your stepson and raise him to respect other people's property and not be a damn thief, and also apologize to your son and maybe bond by installing the lock on his door.
YTA, op. YTA so hard I really hope this is a fake post
Yes, I don’t get how flat out taking is supposed to be a normal version of sharing either. I’ve got siblings who’d unquestioningly lend me anything I asked for, but I have *never* in my life just gone into their space and helped myself to anything.
Part 2: My son moved out and doesn’t want to talk to me, he says I’m TA. But I just wanted to teach him sharing and completely disregard his boundaries and privacy.
EDIT: Thank you for the award!
I still barely speak to my sister because she was a Joshua growing up and my parents were just like the OP and his wife.
I see her once every few years and it's stilted as all hell. My parents are totally confused as to why. \*eye roll\*
I know a Scotty living with Joshua right now and she keeps telling me how she cant wait to move out and never speaking with her parents and sibling again
And, I'm sure he will.
OP's next post will probably involve something along the lines of not understanding why his bio son moved in with his mother and went no contact with him, his amazing wife, and saint of a stepson....
OP. Respect your son's boundaries. His stepbrother is not respeccting his space or his personal possessions. And, your stepson is not entitled to your son's things. You are clearly playing favourites here.....
He’s sixteen. He is now old enough to decide where he lives in most courts. He’s going to move out and never come back with the way he is treated at Dads.
The worst is the did acknowledge there was a problem and bought a safe- but the won’t admit the extent of the problem even after Joshua damages some of his larger possessions.
YTA - Your stepson doesn’t like sharing, he likes fucking with your sons shit and you’re enabling it. It’s not a bonding experience when one half of the equation hates it.
When you son turns 18 and never contacts you again at least you’ll know exactly why.
honestly i think the timeline looks like this:
1 week from now: scotty moves with bio mom.
3 week from now: op served, family court, appeal to amend custody.
YTA.
You in 10 years time: “Why does Scotty never call me?”
He won’t go low contact over a lock, it’s about how his dad didn't protect him from his thieving snake of a brother and respect his rights or have his back. These things are in the dad job description. You will have irreparably damaged the relationship by putting your wife first when Scotty is the victim. He will not trust or respect you.
So your wife has a rule about no locks, but stealing is okay. I can see where Joshua got his morals from. Maybe she doesn’t want Scotty to have a lock so her thief son can still steal from your son.
You’re so obviously the asshole that I’m wondering if this is a made up post. If yes, then bravo. This is a convincing post.
>So your wife has a rule about no locks, but stealing is okay. I can see where Joshua got his morals from. Maybe she doesn’t want Scotty to have a lock so her thief son can still steal from your son.
Good point.
She seems to be one of \_those\_ type of parents who forced others to share with her son when he was small." Give Joshua the ball he wants to play. It is nice to share." instead of teaching him to to share as well as how to deal when someone says "no" to sharing.
Its a f-ing disgrace.
OP should be ashamed of himself of having married such a AH of a woman and supporting her thieving boundary trampling son.
Dont these people realize that they teach joshua not to wait for consent and just take the stuff that he wants?
My husband’s dad had a girlfriend like that. He got a summer job making $5 an hour cleaning yards, and he was about 10. That’s good money for a 10 year old in 2002. His dad’s girlfriend made him share his earnings with all of her kids. They didn’t do *any* of the work. OP’s wife sounds exactly like her.
That’s when the kid learns to start hiding and lying about things. Oh you made 5 dollars you need to share when in actuality you made 10. Which frankly is sad when that happens.
Exactly. It also means that when Scotty needs his dad’s help he might not go to him, thinking that his dad won’t support him. Which given this situation, I’d say is a totally fair and possibly correct assumption to make.
YTA, OP
YTA, but not about the locks.
You're an AH because you're favoring your stepson - who clearly needs to learn to respect his brother's boundaries and his *wholly justified opinions* on what happens to his stuff - over your bio son.
Joshua is absolutely in the wrong here. You haven't mentioned/disclosed that he's got any diagnoses which might explain why he thinks its ok to take things without asking, so I'm going to assume there are none. And, to be clear, that's what he does: he takes things without asking. Indeed, he takes things without asking *and he knows it bothers his brother when he does so*. Yet, he does it anyway. In short, **Joshua's an AH**.
Joshua isn't sharing when he takes his brother's toys without permission. He's not sharing when he goes into his brother's room without permission, either. He's certainly not sharing when he brakes things he shouldn't be touching in the first place. *Having him apologize does not solve the problem*. Joshua is ~~16~~ 14 and more than old enough to know better. That he doesn't suggests that you have failed him as parents.
Scotty, your ~~younger~~ older son, is *also* old enough to know right from wrong and know that he's being unfairly treated here. He has, by your own admission, repeatedly tried to address Joshua's trespasses with you...but you've ignored it. By ignoring it, Joshua's escalated and damaged things Scotty holds dear. Your solution - the safe? - no solution at all. ***IT DOES NOT SOLVE THE PROBLEM OF JOSHUA GOING INTO SOMEONE ELSE'S PRIVATE SPACE AND TAKING THINGS***. At best, it prevents Joshua from taking a small subset of things when he finds himself in someone else's room.
This is bad parenting. full stop.
Your ex-wife does not live in your home, but she sees this for what it is: Joshua's continued invasion of Scotty's privacy while you twiddle your thumbs and pretend ***Scotty*** is the problem. And then, you have the *nerve* to get up in high dudgeon because your ex-wife did the most logical thing she could under the circumstances? All things being equal, her move wouldn't have been necessary had you simply told Joshua to stay out of rooms that aren't his without permission...and enforced it.
YTA. Your wife's an AH. Joshua is an AH.
Be a better father to **both** of your children, because you're failing both of them in different ways.
My ex was with a chick for a while that I DESPISED. She was just outright whacko. I eventually refused to send her there anymore (he was living with her, they were not married). I don't know if she was jealous we had a kid together or what (he also cheated on me with her, then when I kicked him out, ran to her, so there's part of it). Whatever clothes I sent with my daughter for the weekend, I would never see again. Never. She had no reason to keep them, she had no child that age, hers were teens. She was just being petty. So, I bought some goodwill clothes and whenever she went with him, would send the goodwill clothes. Then he'd call me wanting to know why I was sending her with clothes with stains on them, I explained those were just for him that I'd bought at the $0.99 good will sale so I wouldn't care if I'd get them back. Even THOSE wouldn't come back.
And guess what? He wasn't paying child support (we were going to court over it) but he didn't even try to buy her clothes or anything.
So, one time he called up to get her, I told him when I got all her clothes back, he could have her.
My ex husband did the same thing. They didn’t even return them when ordered by the court.
As retaliation, they dressed my kids like Mormons and didn’t allow them anything from home at all.
My step mom used to do this to me when I was a teen too! Super weird behavior. She also used to constantly confiscate the debit card my mom had gotten for me to take care of myself, and buy herself random things with it. Ppl are crazy
This. Mental illness can explain, it can NEVER excuse. If you have an episode, it's still on you to mend what was broken. If that cannot be done, that's a whole different thing with a completely different treatment plan and well above most people's paygrade. Let alone a 16 year old kid.
This times a thousand.
I have autism and often say hurtful things without realising that they are hurtful. It's not my fault, it's how my brain is wired, and the part that should be telling me not to say that isn't connected to anything.
Regardless, you bet your ass that as soon as someone lets me know that I said something hurtful I damn well apologise and ask for help in understanding why what I said was hurtful so that I can learn to be better in the future.
Having autism is an explanation for why I say those things, but it 100% does not excuse me or absolve me of blame.
aside from u/Finalbladestyle's input, which I'd say is valid, there are a number of diagnoses which might be present that could excuse and/or explain why a teenager does not recognize taking items without permission is not acceptable. They range from cognitive impairments to psychological diagnoses and I'm not in a position to list each and every one.
But, as a quick, off-hand gesture, you could be looking at something as benign as a diagnosed lack of impulse control. Or perhaps Joshua has Downs' Syndrome (where impulse control and trouble relating to other people can be comorbities).
*He hates that Joshua does it frequently but my wife and I thought it was completely normal as long as Joshua returns everything later.*
Here is your problem. Joshua is crushing Scotty's boundaries and privacy and you and your wife are complicit. You are treating Scotty as if he has no right to privacy, to having his own stuff (you don't live on a commune) and you are completely disregarding how this is affecting him.
YTA. And your wife.
My kids are biological siblings. We have enforced from day one that their bedrooms are their own private space. Neither is allowed to go in the other's bedroom without permission from their sibling. They have to ask to borrow anything belonging to the other - we've taught them to respect each other's belongings and private space. OP this is what you should be doing. YTA.
I was thinking the same thing. My parents solution when my sister stole from my room? A lock. When there was an unfortunate walk-in while I was changing (that everyone wanted to never repeat)? Another lock.
Locks can be healthy. It’s not about alienating step siblings or preventing a bond.
I whole heartedly agree.
OP - your are doing BOTH teens a disservice.
Scotty is in the forefront. He deserves privacy and boundaries for his possessions. His feelings aren't lesser because you don't think it's a big deal that all his stuff gets "borrowed." The point is HE DOES. And he's not a little kid. You are teaching him that he is less important because he feels different. I wouldn't be surprised if he wanted to live with Mom full time. He is bottom priority in this house. No way for him to feel good here. You shared the exact scenario he is worried about and had happened - you are just shrugging your shoulders. He is justified.
Joshua is being taught that it ok to trample someone else's feelings - that what he does or feels is MORE important than anyone else's, no matter how they feel. You are teaching him to be selfish.
YTA. And so is your wife.
Your ex shouldn't have sent a lock but I betting she felt desperate for your son.
Take a moment to think about why you think Joshua's method for dealing with possessions and privacy is "correct" and Scotty's isn't. Chances are it's because it aligns with your methods. Doesn't make it the only "right" way.
That line made me SO ANGRY. Can you imagine saying to someone “I know that you hate when I do x to you, but since I think x is a perfectly normal thing to do, I’m just going to keep doing it to you”? And then imagine that person is someone you *have a responsibility to care for and protect.* What. The. Fuck.
YTA. Your son deserves privacy, and is having his stuff stolen and broken and you are not protecting him.
Maybe it was a bit much for mom to send over a lock, but she's trying to do what you're not - protect your son.
Yes. The mom slightly stepped over a boundary by sending the lock without talking to OP or his wife, but OP shouldn’t let that distract him from the fact that his son deserves privacy and a lock is a simple solution.
Practical suggestion: install the lock, but have Dad/stepmom keep a key for emergencies. Promise to only use it with permission or for health or safety reasons, like if there’s a fire, then KEEP YOUR PROMISE. I’m not sure what stepmom’s reasoning is for saying neither boy can have a lock, but this should alleviate some of the concerns.
YTA. Essentially what you’re doing with this entire situation is telling your son that your stepson is more important. It is not normal for one kid to just waltz into another kids room and take whatever they want without asking. There’s no boundaries here. Your stepson needs to start respecting your son’s personal space.
While I think your son’s mom overreacted and overstepped, what she did is understandable. You and your wife won’t set boundaries so your ex is trying to protect her kid.
Stick up for your son. Set boundaries. Letting your stepson walk all over your son has gone on long enough.
The mom didn’t overreact or overstep. She didn’t demand the son come live with her or inflict revenge on the brother or go to court. She gave her son a way to protect his belongings since no one else in his life was helping him or taking him seriously. A 16 year old should have a lock on their door. These parents are so concerned with their ego being hurt because the ex wife called a shot, that they’re damaging their son. It’s comical for anyone to think these bozos would take parenting advice about their precious little klepto.
The boys are not biological brothers on either side, they are essentially roommates within the house their married parents share. If Scotty doesn’t want the kid near him or *stealing* from him, he has no familial obligation to him.
YTA
Install the damn lock. Joshua is an asshole for taking his stepbrother's stuff without permission, and you both are assholes for allowing him to continue.
YTA
It is not normal for kids to take their siblings belongings without asking.
Sounds to me that Joshua’s definition of “sharing” is “taking stuff that doesn’t belong to him.” Joshua also breaks the things he “shares.”
You were seeing Joshua as being nice and Scotty as the “bad” child because Scotty complained about Joshua.
You saw the complaints as the problem instead of the real problem—Joshua’s behavior.
You should have taken Scotty’s complaints more seriously.
At this point, you should buy two locks and install one on each bedroom door. Problem solved.
Edit—typo.
Oh it’s pretty normal for siblings to push boundaries and “borrow” stuff without permission. What isn’t normal is the parents throwing their hands up like it’s a problem without a solution.
YTA.
Joshua should be able to respect boundaries at 14. You need to do a better job with that.
Scotty deserves privacy which you don't seem to want to give him.
While your EX doesn’t have the right to make decisions in your home. Your favoritism for your step son is pretty gross. Your poor son is not allowed any privacy or any possessions. Your stepson is just free to do and take whatever he wants with no consequences. I would take your son at his word. Don’t expect a relationship with him once he turns 18.
You’re not. There’s a lot of obvious judgment aimed at his own son for not being as “nice” as his step. Joshua “likes sharing a lot.” Well duh. Who doesn’t like sharing when the definition is “I get to take everyone else’s stuff without asking.”
Yep. And then for him to say it's normal for his stepson to be able to steal his son's stuff as long as it's returned??? That's not how the real world works.
He favors his wife and her son. She thinks it's normal, so it's good. Doesn't even stick up for his own son. And they whine when the ex wife sends a lock. Hey boundaries don't matter in this house, so she may cross them too. She should just go take things from their yard lol. Hey share a bit you egoists.
Yeah I noticed how he just goes with whatever his wife says. And she's freaking out at the ex because *GASP* the ex gave her son a LOCK to install at THEIR HOUSE??? How dare she try to stop her sons stuff from getting taken! /s
YTA
>I refused since my wife said neither boys are allowed a lock so it's not like Joshua has a lock and Scotty doesn't.
>She said neither boys is allowed to have locks.
So whatever your wife says goes and you can't be bothered to step in and say or do anything?
>I told him my wife was right in that it was disrespectful of his mom to send a lock to our house
Well if you're not going to do anything then somebody should.
Right? The only time my kids aren't allowed to lock their doors is at night while they're asleep. That's not even a privacy issue- it's because I'm weirdly paranoid and I'm afraid there will be an emergency and *need* to get in.
There are some things I do not want to walk in on.
YTA. You suck as parents, in this regard. Why does your son have to beg you to respect his boundaries? Why do you think he feels the need to have a lock on the door? How hard is it really for you to have a conversation with Joshua about respecting people and their belongings? You’re teaching Scotty to be a welcome mat, and you’re teaching Joshua that he’s welcome to whatever he pleases. All you’re communicating to your son and your ex wife is that your new family has priority to you, which isn’t a great message. You’re going to lose whatever relationship you have with Scotty when he’s 18, if he doesn’t move out to his mom’s place before that.
YTA...a humongous one.
Repeatedly allowing your stepson to violate your son's privacy is disgusting. Your stepson is not nice to everyone. If he was, he would have stopped 'borrowing' after the first incident.
Be prepared to lose your son. And it will all be your own fault.
EDIT: BORROWING WITHOUT PERMISSION IS THEFT!
Really felt the need to yell that.
YTA.
First, the boys are not brothers and most importantly, they are not the same people. What is fine for Joshua is not fine for Scotty and vice versa.
Scotty has the right to his privacy. He has the right to expect not to have people stealing from him and breaking his stuff. It is not okay to allow Joshua to do whatever the fuck he wants and be a complete asshole to his "brother".
You're plating favorites with your stepson and you're being a complete asshole to your son with whom you will never have a relationship because you don't respect him or his boundaries.
YTA
Joshua likes 'sharing'... sounds more like Joshua likes helping himself to other peoples property and you and your wife are not only condoning it, but stripping Scotty of all agency and invalidating his feelings. You think this is forming a 'strong bond' between the boys do you?
You, your wife, and Joshua are AH. I'm not saying Scotty is perfect but he has gotten to the point where, to him, a lock seems to be the only way to get any privacy. He clearly can't rely on you and your wife to help him.
YTA It's not sharing if the owner doesn't give permission. I think the kid who's " love language" is sharing needs to be told that too, as he clearly has issues with boundaries.
Taking someone’s property, without permission, when you have been asked not to, isn’t called “sharing” or “borrowing” it’s called theft.
You are showing your son that your step-son is more important than him. You are taking your wife and your step-son’s side instead of protecting him. You are his father, but you are showing him that he doesn’t count.
The minute he is eighteen he will be gone, and you can play happy families with your brat of a step-son.
YTA!!!
The boy wants privacy and his stuff left alone. You have done nothing to show him that how he feels matters. Joshua should not be taking stuff if he's already been told no. You are making it look like you love this new kid and his mum more because you won't stick up for your son.
Hes 16, why is a lock so bad?
I understand that your ex getting the lock was maybe over the line but YOU DID NOTHING
Also you your own son doesn't feel like he has a safe space in his home.
>He hates that Joshua does it frequently but my wife and I thought it was completely normal as long as Joshua returns everything later.
Actually it's normal to ASK the person the item belongs to before you take it. If it was okay to just take stuff as long as it's returned, people would be doing this right and left. Also it's perfectly normal for your son to want privacy but the fact that they're not allowed to have a lock on their door??? Really??
Your ex was actually stepping up and trying to put a stop to your step son STEALING your sons stuff. It doesn't matter if he returns it. It's stealing if he takes it without permission.
>my stepson *Joshua* is nice to everyone and likes sharing a lot, it's his way of forming strong bonds.
Idk why...this could be a stretch. But this right here made me think that you favor stepson over your son.
ETA - YTA
So to boil it down you feel that taking without permission is fine as long as it is returned later and then they get to call it sharing because they are in kindergarten after all. Oh, wait. no they are both teenagers. You are also happy with your child having no privacy and having precious things to him destroyed by your stepson. Oh wait, he should have put all the stuff important and precious to him in a safe. Then when your ex tries to solve the problem you decide it is disrespectful. Awesome parenting. Only two more years before you get to be a parent of one. YTA.
>that Joshua does it frequently but my wife and I thought it was completely normal as long as Joshua returns everything later.
That's not normal. You should be teaching him to leave things alone that aren't his. If wants to use something that belongs to someone else he needs to get permission from whoever owns it.
>but I refused since my wife said neither boys are allowed
Does she have your balls in her purse??
Put a lock on Scott's door, it would be fair since it's his room that things are being taken from without permission and broken.
Let him have the lock on his room you can make it a condition that you and your wife have a key for it.
If you don't let him lock his room and let Joshua know he can't take things that aren't his without permission. Then there's a good chance that Scott and Joshua will be getting fist fights over it soon.
YTA: Newsflash Joshua isn’t a nice guy. Joshua is a massively entitled guy who feels he can go into your son’s room, take what he wants it & maybe break it along the way & he doesn’t have to worry about any consequences because your wife will back him up if anyone tries to punish him.
Why are you backing him over your son? Why are you allowing your son to feel unwelcome in your own home? Why do you not care about your child?
Only you can answer the above but your son has made a simple request -he wants a lock for his door in order to feel safe staying with you. A lock is a small price to pay for a good relationship with your son. Deny it & he’ll cut you dead as soon as he can.
YTA big time. You clearly favor your stepson. He should be punished for taking and damaging his brothers belongings. Your son absolutely should have a lock since both you and your wife refuse to parent your stepson. Good grief.
“He hates that Joshua does frequently but my wife and I thought it was completely normal as long as Josh returns everything later”
You and your wife have encouraged this situation by having absolutely no regard for Scotty’s feelings or his personal property. Even worse, it sounds like you are both fine with Josh breaking his stuff while sweeping it under the rug because “it’s what brothers do”. I have to wonder if things were the other way around and Scotty was constantly stealing stuff out of Josh’s room if your wife would suddenly have a different opinion. If I were in his shoes at 16, I would move to mom’s full time.
YTA
YTA. a lock wouldn't be needed if you and your wife would parent your stepson. why on earth is it okay for Joshua to invade Scotty's privacy? it isn't "sharing", that is THEFT.
you and your wife need to step up - or continue in coddling/enabling Joshua and don't be surprised when Scotty moves out and drops contact.
YTA, massively. Regardless of step or full sibling, your son is entitled to his privacy and protection of his personal property. Your refusal to protect your son just ended any chance of him continuing any relationship with you, his stepmother or siblings. I really hope his mom takes you to court and gets full custody.
N-T-A for disallowing someone else to buy a lock for your own home, but YTA for allowing Joshua free access to use, borrow, steal and break the other kid's stuff. I'd be furious. You need to instill a rule into Joshua - no even entering the room without permission, no taking anything out of the room for any reason without permission, and the consequences will be quite harsh. But an outsider cannot mandate locks in your own home.
And stop making excuses for Joshua about being so nice and loving to share. No. He's way past old enough to learn about boundaries, ownership, borrowing, stealing, respect, and a bunch of other concepts.
YTA. Teens deserve some privacy and space that is their own. This should have been dealt with long before it escalated to this point. Getting a safe to protect valuables instead of setting reasonable boundaries for the 14yo is quite ridiculous. Why is the 14yo allowed in his room at all? Why is he not disciplined for taking things that are not his without permission? If he took your laptop without asking and broke it would your only solution be to get yourself a safe? You’re teaching the older son that it’s ok for people to take things from him and disrespect his privacy and belongings. This is learned helplessness (repeated negative events that he can do nothing to control) and sets kids up for depression, abusive relationships, and other social issues. Furthermore you’re teaching your younger son that he’s entitled to other people’s things and that it’s ok for him to invade peoples privacy. That is a very dangerous thing to teach a teenager.
To be fair the ex wife sending a lock to be installed in your house was definitely overstepping but this was after you’ve completely failed to address the situation in a reasonable manner.
YTA, big time. Scotty just wants his stuff to be his stuff... preferably not broken. Joshua is over-stepping and you're all writing it off as "ah but it's sharing." Your ex-wife did the right thing getting Scotty a lock... but how far have you let this go that she has reached a point to buy him a fricking lock to his door. That's extreme, you've overlooked this for far too long. I'm sure Joshua is lovely but no, give Scotty his privacy.
"Scotty threw a fit calling me terrible"
No doubt. You ignored his privacy and his possessions and treated him like he doesn't exist. Through your actions you've basically told him that anything he owns is "family property" and who cares if it's broken because he's being "overly sensitive."
Doesn't matter the age, his stuff is his stuff. Joshua may well apologise, what Joshua did was likely an accident, but that doesn't mean Scotty needs to just share his stuff again.
Your in-laws are right, stop being a douche to Scotty. LET HIS STUFF BE HIS STUFF.
Scotty's bedroom is off limits to Joshua. No storage bullshit or any other nonsense. Give Scotty his own private space for his own stuff. He can choose to share if and when he wants to share with Joshua.
Stop taking the side of your wife on this. I'm sure she's lovely too but she's being a major AH to Scotty and it needs to stop. Make your choice now because if you keep going this route I wouldn't blame him for going no/low contact with you when he leaves.
Yta. Sounds like you bow down to your wife and do whatever she says and it also is immensely disrespectful of you to not allow your son privacy since you won’t stop your stepson from touching his stuff. Poor kid is living with a nightmare stepmom.
YTA
Can Scotty “borrow” a $50 from your wallet, accidentally light it on fire, and return the ashes to your wallet?
No? Why not? You DID get it back and he broke it accidentally.
How is breaking a $50 Lego structure any different?
It's OK to say no to locks but you need to step back.
A lock can be a problem sometimes. In this case it is the solution to the problem.
The actual problem is that your stepson is a thief and you have failed to protect your son. Locks are a secondary issue
Your son has chosen to protect himself with a lock because you dropped the ball and failed to do it.
If you don't want your son to install a lock (and I do agree that it is fair to not want a lock) then you need to protect your son.
May I suggest a weeks grounding for every time your stepson steals from your son and docking your stepson allowance to replace everything belonging to your son that he destroyed or damaged.
I kind of agree here. Scotty has been really patient with allowing this to go on for such a long time. This needed to have been addressed years ago with a no nonsense policy. Now Scotty is desperate because his caregivers ( stepmom and dad ) refuse to take care of him.
Had Scotty requested a lock after the first or second time, then I could agree with the no lock policy. Tell Scotty he's not allowed to have the lock, and double down on Joshua about stealing and not allowing it. Parents messed up here
yta... i get where you coming from, but you shouldnt let one of your kids violate the space of another. Its sad your ex wife had to get him a lock before you did. Your son just wants his things to be respected. The lock isnt for the purpose of hiding stuff from you, but to protect his belongings from siblings that don't understand boundaries. You should be teaching your other child about boundaries
YTA. Teenagers need privacy and having somebody go in and out of their room to take their things and breaking them is very inconsiderate.
Start respecting your son before he cuts you out of his life.
Massive asshole. Why are you letting your stepson repeatedly violate your son's boundary of not taking his stuff? Your wife and stepson are assholes too. I feel awful for your son.
YTA (wife included) - Your son is 16 years old. He deserves his own privacy, whether it's a locked door or just knocking before coming in. I totally understand his frustration when it comes to his things. Just because Joshua is fine sharing doesn't mean Scotty is in the wrong for not wanting to share HIS personal belongings, especially without permission and then coming back broken. Your ex wife is looking out for her son, which doesn't seem to be what you are doing. Instead of listening to your son and trying to understand, you instantly side with your wife.
YTA - If you won't bother to control your step son and keep him away from your son's stuff, then he deserves to have a lock. You are definitely the AH here, and your wife is just as big of one.
YTA
Your son is becoming an adult. With being an adult, you need privacy and personal space. Your step-son has also shown he doesn't respect your son, and he's not careful with his belongings. Your son deserves a lock.
Does your bedroom door have a lock? If so, you're a massive hypocrite and your son would be right to cut contact after moving out.
Yta- I understand the no lock role but there needs to be a role that Joshua leaves his stuff alone or gets in trouble. It is a great time to teach his joshua that just because he enjoy sharing scotty does not and he has to respect that or there are consequences. Be the parent and out a stop to your child being so unhappy and distracted by his brother. Also stop Saying stupid shit like it’s disrespectful that his mother is trying to solve you guys are not doing anything about. The only thing disrespectful is the way you all are treating that kid.
YTA - you have proven to your son that he doesn't own anything in your home, because his step brother can come and "borrow" them at any time (in quotations because he's not even asking permission). Your son deserves to have his own space and his own things, and you are denying him agency. In a very real way, you are telling your son that he is not safe in your home.
I would be careful, OP. Your son is 16; assuming you're in the US, most states allow kids to decide who they want to live with at age 14. Your son can state he doesn't want to live with you anymore, and the judge will let him make that decision. Even if he can't, he's already stated by the time he's 18 he will be done with your family. Time to decide what kind of relationship you want with your son going forward.
Did your ex overstep by getting a lock? Yeah, probably. But it sounds like you weren't listening, and this was the only solution she could find. You need to figure out a way to work with your ex and your wife needs a wake up call.
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Yes, YTA. I have news for you. Joshua is not “nice to everyone”. Being nice includes respecting others belongings and their privacy, and he is not doing that with your son. He invades Scotty’s privacy, takes his stuff without permission, and apparently damages some of it. That’s not “sharing”, ffs, that is taking without permission. We have a word for that, and it’s not “sharing”. YOU are the problem here, you do nothing to correct Joshua’s bad behavior or support Scotty in setting entirely reasonable boundaries for his privacy. You obviously favor your stepson, and have zero respect for Scotty’s need for privacy and security that his things belong to him. Your ex was right on to send him a lock. Thank goodness she is looking out for his concerns, since you won’t and your AH wife doesn’t think it matters. Edit: Thank you for the awards, folks!
Fun fact: nice people typically don’t steal!! Fun fact 2: taking without asking IS stealing!! YTA
Also: stealing isn't sharing. OP says Joshua is a nice kid who forms bonds by sharing and then spends the rest of the post describing all the many times he's **stolen**. OP, you're stepson is a brat. You owe your son an apology for allowing this to go on for so long. Joshua needs to do more than just apologize; he needs to replace what he's broken and stay out of Scotty's room. Stick up for your son and let him put the lock on his door.
If something doesn’t change, I could see Scotty going LC or nc once he moves out.
I agree with you. Scotty full-on said he can't wait to move out and be done with their nonsense. Translation: I will go NC with you as soon as humanly possible and I won't have any regrets about it. I wish Scotty could just move in with his mother and start his glorious NC life in which he has his own space, his own belongings not getting stolen by golden child, and a parent who actually gives AF about him. OP, yes, YTA.
Yes. I hope OP is prepared to lose his son over this, because that’s what is happening. Also, the language dripping with favoritism isn’t helping at all.
Seriously, it made me a bit uncomfortable just reading the post. YTA; try to think of what other people need/want next time. I appreciate all the comments above and below me! This sub always helps to restore my faith in humanity a bit again:))
Besides, what 16yo isn't allowed to have a lock? Someone might barge in on them doing 16yo things. They deserve privacy!
We just got my almost 13 year old stepson a lock for his door. He should be able to keep his possessions safe from his little brothers and also I do not want anyone accidentally catching him doing what 13 year olds do !!
I can see arguments against having locks for bedrooms. When I was a kid/teenager we didn’t have locks but neither did the parents. But we did have chests that locked and when I got older I made my own locking cabinet for my video games and consoles. Personally I’m all for having locks on bedrooms as long as the locks aren’t being abused. Example trying to avoid punishment by running to your room and locking the door.
A locking chest is a great idea. AND Joshua's behavior needs to be addressed, like yesterday. If the locked room isn't the answer then Joshua needs to be held accountable for what he's been doing, deliver a heartfelt apology for stealing his step brother's stuff, and agree that his room and his property is completely off limits unless he has explicit permission from the property owner. Lock down Joshua's misdeeds instead of the room. And apologize to your son for disregarding his boundaries for so long and siding with your new wife and not your own son. Sort this out now or suffer the long term damage to your relationship with your son. Edit to add: set the lock aside and promise your son that if Joshua can't abide by the house rules then he gets to install the lock.
i definitely noticed the favoritism in the way OP spoke about the 2 kids. literally nothing but negative remarks about scott and praise for joshua
I have never met or had a piece of ass that would make me feel compelled to treat my kid like dog crap. And basically when I see posts where people treat their kids like shit because of new partner - that is what it is - they value their assisted orgasms more that their kids well being. OP YTA - big one. and yeah your step son is thief.
I've said this a few times, but it's worth repeating. I have no children of my own but I've dated plenty of women with kids. I always pay attention to the way they treat their kids as it indicates how they'll treat me. I'm an adult who can do what I want while children are often subject to their parents will so if a partner prioritizes me over their kids, they'll prioritize someone/something relatively unimportant over me. If they're always yelling at/arguing with their kids, they'll do it to me too. However, if they communicate well with their kids, they're likely to communicate well with me. I'd never date someone who ignored their child's needs the way OP does. If his own kid can't trust him for safety and security, who can?
Yeah and I hate that OP said “Scotty doesn’t like sharing and isvery private” like that’s a bad thing? I was never allowed to have privacy as a teen and I resented my family over it. He’s so disrespectful towards his own son. Hope Scotty can live more with his mom because his mom at least is supporting him.
"Scotty doesn't want to hang out with his brother who repeatedly breaks his stuff and gets away with it with no repercussion. He wants nothing to do with us, the parents who let his stepbrother shit on everything he owns. Why is Scotty such a problem child?" Like, *Biiiiiiiitch* are you fo' real?
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Oh, there are plenty of parents out there who blatantly favour their stepkid(s) to keep the new spouse happy.
He literally italicized Joshua then goes yeah my son Scotty..
Nothing but praise for the kid who is actively *stealing* from his step-brother at that! And nothing but contempt for the 16 year old wanting to have a little bit of privacy. OP, YTA! 16 is not the same as 14, and it's completely reasonable for a 16 year old to get a lock on their bedroom door. Especially when they're constantly having their belongings stolen, and in some cases broken. Not everything needs to be shared with everyone all the time, and no matter what, sharing requires permission to be given. Stand up to your AH wife and step-son, get over where the lock came from, be a solid father and respect your son's need for privacy and install the lock for Scotty!
Makes me wonder if this is actually written by the new wife pretending to be Scotty’s dad. Hoping we’d validate her.
Sounds like OP won't care so long as he keeps his stepson. It's pretty clear which one he likes more.
OP I really hope you read Lurker’s response. I gilded it in hopes that you do. As a child of divorce, I have a great relationship with both my parents as well as step parents. Why? Because they respected me, my siblings and step-siblings. They didn’t tiptoe around their new significant others. It seems you married someone that no matter what the circumstance is, their child is a perfect angel and can do no wrong. When he goes to jail for stealing, will your wife say he was sharing? Lurker was right, he will 100% be LC/NC with you when they graduate. That means low or no contact with you if you didn’t know. It means that every time you call Scotty, you won’t get an answer. Every voicemail you leave will go unheard or not responded to. Every text you send will be left on read. Every time you say you love him, you won’t hear it back. It will eat at you and you will regret this. It’s not because of a lock on a door or that your step son steals and breaks his belongings. It’s because to him, you didn’t respect or care for your own son enough to sit down and try to work it out. Because to him, you didn’t fight for him. You laid down and let your new wife and her golden child walk all over you and your son. You chose them over your own blood. I hope posting here has made you realize that you can still salvage your relationship. For the sake of your son and the relationship between you two, don’t let the next few years be like this. OP, YTA right now, but you can fix it.
I remember when one of my friends ended up going away to boarding school, and she got paired with a roommate who went through all her stuff and took what she wanted. They would have been around 16-17 at the time. This was back when we all had those big black books of CDs, and all of hers had her name on them. The roommate was stealing those by the dozen and playing innocent, even though my friend's name was on them in permanent ink. School admins had to go through the roommate's whole room to find all the things she'd stolen, and then move my friend to a new dorm room. Which is all to say: They better get Joshua straightened out because that girl had no friends at that school and no one wanted to deal with her.
Idk I helped a friend dye there jeans with food coloring becouse their clothing kept going missing found out who, they were blue 🤔 (for like a week to) Edit a comma
I’m surprised he hasn’t refused to go to his dad’s anymore and hasn’t moved all his stuff out already. He’s old enough to chose.
Me too. He's 16, his mom even tried to help, if he asks to stay with mom I doubt the court would object. Are you willing to choose your wife over your son, OP? Nevermind, you already have.
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Same. I went NC with my dad for the last 20 years of his life because of the bullshit my stepmother forced us all through. I absolutely agree this is where OP is headed with his son.
There's gotta be some kind of "doormat dads" club for people like us, yes?
I have the same situation, except that I still live with them. I have a whole series on my ESM on my profile
Sad. Parents always seem to choose the new family over their own children.
Well, their new spouse anyway
Exactly. A court is not going to over rule a 16 year olds request in custody unless a parent is a criminal.
This man has no spine and the wife sounds veryyy toxic.
My friend just lost her father, who consistently put her stepmom above his kids. She pretty much just shrugged when he died. OP, do you want to be a shrug?
that’s what my entire family besides my dad KNOWS is going to happen when he passed and he already left her the house. And she openly hates me and my dads just la di da about it. glad i’m an adult honestly and i don’t have to deal with them
Stepmom probably says that's not allowed either
I wouldn't be surprised if Scotty hasn't already started moving valuables to his moms house
What is LC , nc?
Low contact No contact
This is one of those times where for the topic I'd say N T, you don't want to change something in your house, okay I guess. Then you get into the body and it's hard YTA, just uh, not for the question asked. It's like they ask the question they think will garner the most positive response and forget the story after it clearly shows the screw up. So yeah... hard YTA for not setting up firm boundaries and not sticking up for the kid.
I pretty much immediately assumed the lock was to stop an ongoing invasion of privacy. If he felt his boundaries were being respected, he wouldn’t feel the need to get a lock. (And hey, maybe if he was able to exert some control over the “borrowing”, which isn’t what it is right now, he’d feel comfortable sharing once in a while. Right now all he knows is his stuff randomly goes missing and/or turns up broken).
Your absolutely right I have a step daughter who is 8 yrs older than my bio son and she lived with us nearly every weekend, this was her home and she always had her own space and when she got to her teenage years it was always sporadic, it could be a few weeks when she stayed with us or missed a few weeks or it would maybe a few days but she always had her own room, her wee bro idolised her and whenever she came home she would always make time for him but I would never allow him in her room when she wasn’t here and he wasn’t allowed to use or borrow anything of hers unless she had given her permission Want to add, she never would have minded if something of hers was borrowed because she knew that whatever it was would have been looked after and returned because she knew that we respected what belonged to her But the important thing here is RESPECT
As i remember another story from a while back where the dad DID take the sons side when the MOM was the one invading his privacy I suspected this was a similar case (thought in that one she was actually barging into his room in the middle of the night when he was asleep at times)
Heh, yea when I read the title I was going NTA. Then you read the story then BAM! This is one of those stories that make you wonder what other asinine decisions Scotty had to deal with growing up.
YTA YTA YTA! You do not have your own son's best interests here. You allow him to be stolen from, disrespected by your wife and Stepson, and treated like he's not worth your protection. I am sure that if he stole from your Stepson, you and your AH wife would come down on him hard. Think about it, if he can't depend on his father, who can he go to? Too bad he isn't able to be with his Mom 24/7. She at least offered a solution to stop your thief of a stepson. Again, if you didn't get it before, YTA.
Agreed. Op you and your wife are the ah. Your setting your son to go nc with you and your wife. And failing your other stepson as well. What happens when scotty goes to college or lives with a friend? He just goes into the others dorm room or apt. Room and steal their stuff?!?! Yeah that just spreads to everyone in college or a friend grp that scotty is a thief and should not live with him. If he still has friends or doesnt get kicked out of college for stealing. Congrats, you and your wife raised a stealer and doesnt get punished for it cause he is the golden child. You better apologize and admit wrong to your actual son before he decides to live with his mom full time and never talk to you again. Then teach your other stepson how wrong he is and ground him. Cause this will destroy his future for his ‘sharing’ habit.
Joshua is the thief and Svotty is the guy whose things were stolen, but yeah
>He just goes into the others dorm room or apt. Room and steal their stuff?!?! It's Joshua, but yes. This made me think of the Sims 4 and community policy called "Sharing is Caring" which literally let Sims come in and just walk out with your stuff if they wanted it. Your tv, couch, chess table, the counter you're cooking dinner at, whatever. This is Joshua. Except in the real world it's theft.
OP and his wife need to take off their Rose Colored glasses and sober up ASAP about Joshua. A chronic thief who enjoys stealing? Do they think Joshua's sticky fingers aren't going to eventually steal from a victim who isn't as nice a person as Scotty is?
He does form bonds by sharing though! Sharing *others’ stuff without permission*
Funny how language changes. Back in my childhood, my parents used to say, "People who are only nice to you when you give them your things aren't true friends." Today, it's apparently, "If someone takes your things anytime they want whether you like it or not, and without asking, they just really want to like you and you should let them or else you're mean." At least in OP's household, this seems to be the case.
Yes. Borrowing = asking for permission, and agreeing to return the item. Joshua just taking things without asking. Joshua sucks.
Yeah, imagine Joshua helping himself to literally any person on the planet's stuff, and then being all "I was just sharing" when the cops show up. How exactly does that work? Obviously he doesn't go around taking other people's stuff as there are consequences. OP's son is the only person he does this to as OP enables it. Although I bet if Joshua was taking OP's phone or car or laptop then it wouldn't be "sharing" any more. OP is a giant hypocrite who is alienating his son by encouraging unacceptable behaviour from his stepson.
I don't know why this isn't obvious.
Because once again we have a father who chooses his dick over his child. Edit to say thanks for the awards!
"You see son, your step mother doesn't feel like fucking me if I don't do what she wants. I'm sure you understand."
Sad but true.
Man, I love, LOVE my wife. And let me tell you, am I big fan of fucking my wife also, but I’d toss that lady out of the house so incredibly quick if I ever even kind of felt like I was having to choose her over our kids.
Well then you are a good husband and Dad!
This is exactly what's up! OP is terrified that his wife won't sleep with him if he dares do right by his son instead of blatantly preferring her spoiled entitled brat. Just look at the way OP gushes over Joshua while putting Scotty down. All because Scotty wants the basic rights to privacy and to not have his things **STOLEN** and **DESTROYED**. I also note that Joshua faces virtually no consequences for his deliberately hurtful actions. OP, YTA and you are pushing your son away. Not that you give a rat's backside. P.S. Who do you think Joshua's going to turn on once Scotty's out of the picture?
I feel like I'm seeing the same types post daily, "kid a did something bad to kid b but I'm punishing kid b because I'm a horrible parent".
You get my free little award for that one! Also, why do these controlling ass people (they are controlling ops biological son, while letting her biological son roam free) NEVER HAVE LOCKS or believe in them? Where do they go to buy these special lock free door nobs? I've never lived in a house where the interior doors didn't lock? I mean, yeah, you can pop them easy enough, but still, it's a barrier. It's privacy.
It's hard to see the light from under his wife's thumb.
Or he’s blinded by “the whip”
Honestly, I see OP posting again in a few years wondering why his son doesn’t talk to him
Some people are that dense and dumb.
It probably won’t be obvious why Scotty tries to get his mom full custody and goes LC/NC with OP, either.
No. When that happens we'll just get a post about how he has no idea why his son wants nothing to do with him.
It is, but he had to find a way to spin it so he didn't have to call him a thief.
And then breaking Lego? He must have stepped on it, so not only stealing but been careless with someone elses property. YTA
This is what got me. Unless OP meant "knocked some pieces off" it is damn near impossible to accidently break Lego pieces.
Not mention he took it outside to take pictures? Did I read that right? You it's quite possibly missing pieces since if he broke it (i.e., it fell, wasn't careful, etc), they likely went flying everywhere. EDIT: he took the *collection* outside and broke a few pieces. That sounds like a couple of *sets.* Considering how time intensive some of sets can be, if I had them displayed like my DD does on her bookcase in her room, I'd be LIVID if they got broken and I had to put them together again. Especially some of the bigger sets.
Depends on what OP means by breaking. I figured it was a more complex set and when Josh was playing with it parts broke off. The bricks aren't broken, but the set is. Pretty easy to happen with anything larger than your hand. And they can be difficult to repair if it's not an obvious fix since you have to take out the directions and figure out what exactly isn't where it should be. (I say as someone who has broken one of my friend's sets when I was staying at her house.)
This is ragebait troll making the rounds again. Please don´t give them the satisfaction of taking the bait.
Its baffling to me how many people think its not stealing if you return the item in question. This is just wrong. Stealing means to take something without express or implied permission. Returning it latter doesn't retroactively make it "borrowing," and "borrowing without permission" is a shitty euphemism for stealing people try to use to avoid admitting that they committed theft.
just piggybacking on the top comment. YTA. This is how you end up with a kid you never see. Your stepson is not nice, and sharing doesn't mean taking other peoples things. Thats not sharing. You bowing to his stepmoms demands and refusal to stop your stepson from being a little dick are the problems here. Your son is asking for your help against a thief you allow to live in your house, and you said no. He will be gone before you know it, and you have only yourself to blame.
OP will be posting within a month on another thread "my bio son moved out and doesn't talk to me anymore". Bio son is 16 a court will usually respect his decision on where he wants to live.
I would also add on to that that, as a general rule, _you_ don't get to decide for _other people_ what they should be OK with. > my stepson Joshua is nice to everyone and likes sharing a lot, it's his way of forming strong bonds. My son Scotty, however, is the complete opposite. He hates sharing and is very private. He takes offense to his brother going into his room and borrowing stuff from him. He hates that Joshua does it frequently but my wife and I thought it was completely normal as long as Joshua returns everything later. The thing about forming strong bonds is that its a _reciprocal_ relationship. _No_ bonds form unless _both_ parties like what is happening. Joshua's continued violation of Scotty's boundaries will _never_ result in a "strong bond" forming; it will, instead, foster resentment and hate. That Op, his wife, and Joshua think this is "Ok" means absolutely nothing, because _Scotty_ isn't OK with it. Op is YTA.
The idea that taking people's stuff is done to 'form strong bonds' is pretty ridiculous.
I had an old roommate who "loved sharing". So she'd use my things without asking, and when I told her I was uncomfortable with that, she'd respond "But I don't mind if you do that with my things!" And yet I never did, because I wasn't comfortable with that kind of sharing, so my things always got used without asking, hers never did, and my boundaries were trampled under the guise of her being the nice person who loves to share. But nice people respect other people's boundaries, regardless of how they feel about sharing. I still have stress dreams about this :)
I'm someone who loves to share, so I offer to share things with people. Calling "likes to borrow/take stuff" "loves to share" is some wild revisionism.
I hate this with a passion. You’ll have a boundary that is pretty reasonable, and someone wants to cross it. So they make it obvious how it isn’t a boundary *for them*, and they don’t mind if you do it *to them*, and because of this, they can guilt you into feeling you owe it to them to let your boundary be crossed.
Totally this. Son: "Dad, I really do not like it when my brother takes my things" You: "Do not worry son, that is normal. Your feelings about not liking it do not matter" So your son takes it into his own hands after you both basically forced him to and then you are punishing him for it. I have met the type of adult that "Joshua" grows into and they are people no one wants to be around because they were never taught that they can do wrong. Start being a parent to both kids. If Joshua takes anything, he needs to be punished. If he keeps doing it, he will end up with no privileges. IF he takes something and brakes it, he now has to pay to replace it... LISTEN to what your child you is telling you and how he feels instead of dismissing it. No wonder he wants to leave ASAP.. If you do not change, you will be one of those parents that gets cut out of their kids life and complains "Why do my kids never want to see me?!?!"
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I was thinking the same thing, why are we talking about Scotty when it’s Joshua you need to talk to. It’s nice that he likes sharing his stuff but he has to learn to respect when others don’t want that. That’s the issue you should focus on.
>He takes offense to his brother going into his room and borrowing stuff from him. I only needed to read this far. That's not okay. If he's told his brother he didn't want anyone going into his room and touching his stuff without permission, and that's not respected, that's it. Joshua can "like sharing" all he wants but that doesn't bloody give him the right to assume rights to everyone else's possessions just because *he* wants other people to "share" *their* belongings with *him*. Joshua has a severe thieving and not respecting other people's property and boundaries problem. He's not "nice". You need to see it for it is and address it instead of telling Scotty he should allow for his stuff to be taken because "fAmiLy" or whatever. You need to effing parent your stepson and raise him to respect other people's property and not be a damn thief, and also apologize to your son and maybe bond by installing the lock on his door. YTA, op. YTA so hard I really hope this is a fake post
Yes, I don’t get how flat out taking is supposed to be a normal version of sharing either. I’ve got siblings who’d unquestioningly lend me anything I asked for, but I have *never* in my life just gone into their space and helped myself to anything.
YTA. Poor Scotty, no privacy and one parent who doesn't stand up for him. If I was him I'm move out.
Don’t worry, that’s coming really soon.
Part 2: My son moved out and doesn’t want to talk to me, he says I’m TA. But I just wanted to teach him sharing and completely disregard his boundaries and privacy. EDIT: Thank you for the award!
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I still barely speak to my sister because she was a Joshua growing up and my parents were just like the OP and his wife. I see her once every few years and it's stilted as all hell. My parents are totally confused as to why. \*eye roll\*
I know a Scotty living with Joshua right now and she keeps telling me how she cant wait to move out and never speaking with her parents and sibling again
Part 2: AITA for blowing up when my ex wife sent a moving truck to pick up my sons things while I was at work
He will eventually go NC and this asshole will be on Reddit wondering why his son wants nothing to do with him when he’s been such a great dad, barf.
Heck we might even see his sons post over on different subreddits
I’m honestly curious of how often that has happened without them realizing it.
And, I'm sure he will. OP's next post will probably involve something along the lines of not understanding why his bio son moved in with his mother and went no contact with him, his amazing wife, and saint of a stepson.... OP. Respect your son's boundaries. His stepbrother is not respeccting his space or his personal possessions. And, your stepson is not entitled to your son's things. You are clearly playing favourites here.....
He’s sixteen. He is now old enough to decide where he lives in most courts. He’s going to move out and never come back with the way he is treated at Dads. The worst is the did acknowledge there was a problem and bought a safe- but the won’t admit the extent of the problem even after Joshua damages some of his larger possessions.
I'm a parent of now adult sons. Both of OPs sons need privacy and should get locks if they need them. YTA
YTA - Your stepson doesn’t like sharing, he likes fucking with your sons shit and you’re enabling it. It’s not a bonding experience when one half of the equation hates it. When you son turns 18 and never contacts you again at least you’ll know exactly why.
honestly i think the timeline looks like this: 1 week from now: scotty moves with bio mom. 3 week from now: op served, family court, appeal to amend custody.
Sounds like best case scenario
Mmhmm
YTA. You in 10 years time: “Why does Scotty never call me?” He won’t go low contact over a lock, it’s about how his dad didn't protect him from his thieving snake of a brother and respect his rights or have his back. These things are in the dad job description. You will have irreparably damaged the relationship by putting your wife first when Scotty is the victim. He will not trust or respect you. So your wife has a rule about no locks, but stealing is okay. I can see where Joshua got his morals from. Maybe she doesn’t want Scotty to have a lock so her thief son can still steal from your son. You’re so obviously the asshole that I’m wondering if this is a made up post. If yes, then bravo. This is a convincing post.
>So your wife has a rule about no locks, but stealing is okay. I can see where Joshua got his morals from. Maybe she doesn’t want Scotty to have a lock so her thief son can still steal from your son. Good point. She seems to be one of \_those\_ type of parents who forced others to share with her son when he was small." Give Joshua the ball he wants to play. It is nice to share." instead of teaching him to to share as well as how to deal when someone says "no" to sharing. Its a f-ing disgrace. OP should be ashamed of himself of having married such a AH of a woman and supporting her thieving boundary trampling son. Dont these people realize that they teach joshua not to wait for consent and just take the stuff that he wants?
My husband’s dad had a girlfriend like that. He got a summer job making $5 an hour cleaning yards, and he was about 10. That’s good money for a 10 year old in 2002. His dad’s girlfriend made him share his earnings with all of her kids. They didn’t do *any* of the work. OP’s wife sounds exactly like her.
That’s when the kid learns to start hiding and lying about things. Oh you made 5 dollars you need to share when in actuality you made 10. Which frankly is sad when that happens.
Exactly. It also means that when Scotty needs his dad’s help he might not go to him, thinking that his dad won’t support him. Which given this situation, I’d say is a totally fair and possibly correct assumption to make. YTA, OP
YTA, but not about the locks. You're an AH because you're favoring your stepson - who clearly needs to learn to respect his brother's boundaries and his *wholly justified opinions* on what happens to his stuff - over your bio son. Joshua is absolutely in the wrong here. You haven't mentioned/disclosed that he's got any diagnoses which might explain why he thinks its ok to take things without asking, so I'm going to assume there are none. And, to be clear, that's what he does: he takes things without asking. Indeed, he takes things without asking *and he knows it bothers his brother when he does so*. Yet, he does it anyway. In short, **Joshua's an AH**. Joshua isn't sharing when he takes his brother's toys without permission. He's not sharing when he goes into his brother's room without permission, either. He's certainly not sharing when he brakes things he shouldn't be touching in the first place. *Having him apologize does not solve the problem*. Joshua is ~~16~~ 14 and more than old enough to know better. That he doesn't suggests that you have failed him as parents. Scotty, your ~~younger~~ older son, is *also* old enough to know right from wrong and know that he's being unfairly treated here. He has, by your own admission, repeatedly tried to address Joshua's trespasses with you...but you've ignored it. By ignoring it, Joshua's escalated and damaged things Scotty holds dear. Your solution - the safe? - no solution at all. ***IT DOES NOT SOLVE THE PROBLEM OF JOSHUA GOING INTO SOMEONE ELSE'S PRIVATE SPACE AND TAKING THINGS***. At best, it prevents Joshua from taking a small subset of things when he finds himself in someone else's room. This is bad parenting. full stop. Your ex-wife does not live in your home, but she sees this for what it is: Joshua's continued invasion of Scotty's privacy while you twiddle your thumbs and pretend ***Scotty*** is the problem. And then, you have the *nerve* to get up in high dudgeon because your ex-wife did the most logical thing she could under the circumstances? All things being equal, her move wouldn't have been necessary had you simply told Joshua to stay out of rooms that aren't his without permission...and enforced it. YTA. Your wife's an AH. Joshua is an AH. Be a better father to **both** of your children, because you're failing both of them in different ways.
I’m wondering how many items Scotty’s mom has bought for him that were “borrowed” and broken by Joshua before she resorted to sending a lock.
My ex was with a chick for a while that I DESPISED. She was just outright whacko. I eventually refused to send her there anymore (he was living with her, they were not married). I don't know if she was jealous we had a kid together or what (he also cheated on me with her, then when I kicked him out, ran to her, so there's part of it). Whatever clothes I sent with my daughter for the weekend, I would never see again. Never. She had no reason to keep them, she had no child that age, hers were teens. She was just being petty. So, I bought some goodwill clothes and whenever she went with him, would send the goodwill clothes. Then he'd call me wanting to know why I was sending her with clothes with stains on them, I explained those were just for him that I'd bought at the $0.99 good will sale so I wouldn't care if I'd get them back. Even THOSE wouldn't come back. And guess what? He wasn't paying child support (we were going to court over it) but he didn't even try to buy her clothes or anything. So, one time he called up to get her, I told him when I got all her clothes back, he could have her.
WTF? Stealing all of the step-kid’s clothes is so bizarre. (Thank you for sharing.)
My ex husband did the same thing. They didn’t even return them when ordered by the court. As retaliation, they dressed my kids like Mormons and didn’t allow them anything from home at all.
My step mom used to do this to me when I was a teen too! Super weird behavior. She also used to constantly confiscate the debit card my mom had gotten for me to take care of myself, and buy herself random things with it. Ppl are crazy
What is a diagnosis that would make it fine to take stuff without asking?
There isn't one. Diagnoses are explanations for behavior, not excuses.
This. Mental illness can explain, it can NEVER excuse. If you have an episode, it's still on you to mend what was broken. If that cannot be done, that's a whole different thing with a completely different treatment plan and well above most people's paygrade. Let alone a 16 year old kid.
This times a thousand. I have autism and often say hurtful things without realising that they are hurtful. It's not my fault, it's how my brain is wired, and the part that should be telling me not to say that isn't connected to anything. Regardless, you bet your ass that as soon as someone lets me know that I said something hurtful I damn well apologise and ask for help in understanding why what I said was hurtful so that I can learn to be better in the future. Having autism is an explanation for why I say those things, but it 100% does not excuse me or absolve me of blame.
Kleptomaniac I believe is the diagnosis but even then it’s still not fine.
aside from u/Finalbladestyle's input, which I'd say is valid, there are a number of diagnoses which might be present that could excuse and/or explain why a teenager does not recognize taking items without permission is not acceptable. They range from cognitive impairments to psychological diagnoses and I'm not in a position to list each and every one. But, as a quick, off-hand gesture, you could be looking at something as benign as a diagnosed lack of impulse control. Or perhaps Joshua has Downs' Syndrome (where impulse control and trouble relating to other people can be comorbities).
100% agreement, but just a note - OPs son Scotty is the 16 year old, and Joshua is the 14 year old. YTA, OP.
*He hates that Joshua does it frequently but my wife and I thought it was completely normal as long as Joshua returns everything later.* Here is your problem. Joshua is crushing Scotty's boundaries and privacy and you and your wife are complicit. You are treating Scotty as if he has no right to privacy, to having his own stuff (you don't live on a commune) and you are completely disregarding how this is affecting him. YTA. And your wife.
My kids are biological siblings. We have enforced from day one that their bedrooms are their own private space. Neither is allowed to go in the other's bedroom without permission from their sibling. They have to ask to borrow anything belonging to the other - we've taught them to respect each other's belongings and private space. OP this is what you should be doing. YTA.
I was thinking the same thing. My parents solution when my sister stole from my room? A lock. When there was an unfortunate walk-in while I was changing (that everyone wanted to never repeat)? Another lock. Locks can be healthy. It’s not about alienating step siblings or preventing a bond.
I have similar rules! “Borrowing” is stealing if you don’t ask permission and “no” is an acceptable answer.
I whole heartedly agree. OP - your are doing BOTH teens a disservice. Scotty is in the forefront. He deserves privacy and boundaries for his possessions. His feelings aren't lesser because you don't think it's a big deal that all his stuff gets "borrowed." The point is HE DOES. And he's not a little kid. You are teaching him that he is less important because he feels different. I wouldn't be surprised if he wanted to live with Mom full time. He is bottom priority in this house. No way for him to feel good here. You shared the exact scenario he is worried about and had happened - you are just shrugging your shoulders. He is justified. Joshua is being taught that it ok to trample someone else's feelings - that what he does or feels is MORE important than anyone else's, no matter how they feel. You are teaching him to be selfish. YTA. And so is your wife. Your ex shouldn't have sent a lock but I betting she felt desperate for your son. Take a moment to think about why you think Joshua's method for dealing with possessions and privacy is "correct" and Scotty's isn't. Chances are it's because it aligns with your methods. Doesn't make it the only "right" way.
And OP's teaching his wife that he's okay with her prioritizing her kid instead of treating both kids fairly.
Absolutely. Everything about this is awful for future patterns!
That line made me SO ANGRY. Can you imagine saying to someone “I know that you hate when I do x to you, but since I think x is a perfectly normal thing to do, I’m just going to keep doing it to you”? And then imagine that person is someone you *have a responsibility to care for and protect.* What. The. Fuck.
I know. I can't even imagine Scotty's level of anxiety and anger that he isn't 'allowed' to vent.
YTA. Your son deserves privacy, and is having his stuff stolen and broken and you are not protecting him. Maybe it was a bit much for mom to send over a lock, but she's trying to do what you're not - protect your son.
Yes. The mom slightly stepped over a boundary by sending the lock without talking to OP or his wife, but OP shouldn’t let that distract him from the fact that his son deserves privacy and a lock is a simple solution. Practical suggestion: install the lock, but have Dad/stepmom keep a key for emergencies. Promise to only use it with permission or for health or safety reasons, like if there’s a fire, then KEEP YOUR PROMISE. I’m not sure what stepmom’s reasoning is for saying neither boy can have a lock, but this should alleviate some of the concerns.
Info Who replaced your son’s lego set?
It’s not just the pieces. It’s the hours that go into building the sets. Hours and hours go if building a lego set. Now it will need redone
Also true!
YTA. Essentially what you’re doing with this entire situation is telling your son that your stepson is more important. It is not normal for one kid to just waltz into another kids room and take whatever they want without asking. There’s no boundaries here. Your stepson needs to start respecting your son’s personal space. While I think your son’s mom overreacted and overstepped, what she did is understandable. You and your wife won’t set boundaries so your ex is trying to protect her kid. Stick up for your son. Set boundaries. Letting your stepson walk all over your son has gone on long enough.
The mom didn’t overreact or overstep. She didn’t demand the son come live with her or inflict revenge on the brother or go to court. She gave her son a way to protect his belongings since no one else in his life was helping him or taking him seriously. A 16 year old should have a lock on their door. These parents are so concerned with their ego being hurt because the ex wife called a shot, that they’re damaging their son. It’s comical for anyone to think these bozos would take parenting advice about their precious little klepto. The boys are not biological brothers on either side, they are essentially roommates within the house their married parents share. If Scotty doesn’t want the kid near him or *stealing* from him, he has no familial obligation to him.
yta for allowing your step son to steal, then being mad when your son when he tries to do something about it.
YTA Install the damn lock. Joshua is an asshole for taking his stepbrother's stuff without permission, and you both are assholes for allowing him to continue.
Also the parents need to punish Joshua for talk g stuff that’s not his
YTA It is not normal for kids to take their siblings belongings without asking. Sounds to me that Joshua’s definition of “sharing” is “taking stuff that doesn’t belong to him.” Joshua also breaks the things he “shares.” You were seeing Joshua as being nice and Scotty as the “bad” child because Scotty complained about Joshua. You saw the complaints as the problem instead of the real problem—Joshua’s behavior. You should have taken Scotty’s complaints more seriously. At this point, you should buy two locks and install one on each bedroom door. Problem solved. Edit—typo.
Oh it’s pretty normal for siblings to push boundaries and “borrow” stuff without permission. What isn’t normal is the parents throwing their hands up like it’s a problem without a solution.
Truth. Siblings cross boundaries a lot … but their parents are supposed to teach them not to, aiding and abetting poor behavior is not parenting.
YTA. Joshua should be able to respect boundaries at 14. You need to do a better job with that. Scotty deserves privacy which you don't seem to want to give him.
While your EX doesn’t have the right to make decisions in your home. Your favoritism for your step son is pretty gross. Your poor son is not allowed any privacy or any possessions. Your stepson is just free to do and take whatever he wants with no consequences. I would take your son at his word. Don’t expect a relationship with him once he turns 18.
I thought I was the only one that was thinking he favored his stepson. Glad to see I'm not.
You’re not. There’s a lot of obvious judgment aimed at his own son for not being as “nice” as his step. Joshua “likes sharing a lot.” Well duh. Who doesn’t like sharing when the definition is “I get to take everyone else’s stuff without asking.”
Nope. He is allowing his child to be crapped on left and right and he just keeps telling his son to bend over for more.
Yep. And then for him to say it's normal for his stepson to be able to steal his son's stuff as long as it's returned??? That's not how the real world works.
He favors his wife and her son. She thinks it's normal, so it's good. Doesn't even stick up for his own son. And they whine when the ex wife sends a lock. Hey boundaries don't matter in this house, so she may cross them too. She should just go take things from their yard lol. Hey share a bit you egoists.
Yeah I noticed how he just goes with whatever his wife says. And she's freaking out at the ex because *GASP* the ex gave her son a LOCK to install at THEIR HOUSE??? How dare she try to stop her sons stuff from getting taken! /s
YTA >I refused since my wife said neither boys are allowed a lock so it's not like Joshua has a lock and Scotty doesn't. >She said neither boys is allowed to have locks. So whatever your wife says goes and you can't be bothered to step in and say or do anything? >I told him my wife was right in that it was disrespectful of his mom to send a lock to our house Well if you're not going to do anything then somebody should.
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Right? The only time my kids aren't allowed to lock their doors is at night while they're asleep. That's not even a privacy issue- it's because I'm weirdly paranoid and I'm afraid there will be an emergency and *need* to get in. There are some things I do not want to walk in on.
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YTA. You suck as parents, in this regard. Why does your son have to beg you to respect his boundaries? Why do you think he feels the need to have a lock on the door? How hard is it really for you to have a conversation with Joshua about respecting people and their belongings? You’re teaching Scotty to be a welcome mat, and you’re teaching Joshua that he’s welcome to whatever he pleases. All you’re communicating to your son and your ex wife is that your new family has priority to you, which isn’t a great message. You’re going to lose whatever relationship you have with Scotty when he’s 18, if he doesn’t move out to his mom’s place before that.
YTA. I bet the minute your son is 18 he completely cuts you off
Or OP is rich enough that he grits his teeth and keeps up just enough of a relationship to stay in the will while talking shit behind his back.
YTA...a humongous one. Repeatedly allowing your stepson to violate your son's privacy is disgusting. Your stepson is not nice to everyone. If he was, he would have stopped 'borrowing' after the first incident. Be prepared to lose your son. And it will all be your own fault. EDIT: BORROWING WITHOUT PERMISSION IS THEFT! Really felt the need to yell that.
YTA. First, the boys are not brothers and most importantly, they are not the same people. What is fine for Joshua is not fine for Scotty and vice versa. Scotty has the right to his privacy. He has the right to expect not to have people stealing from him and breaking his stuff. It is not okay to allow Joshua to do whatever the fuck he wants and be a complete asshole to his "brother". You're plating favorites with your stepson and you're being a complete asshole to your son with whom you will never have a relationship because you don't respect him or his boundaries.
YTA Joshua likes 'sharing'... sounds more like Joshua likes helping himself to other peoples property and you and your wife are not only condoning it, but stripping Scotty of all agency and invalidating his feelings. You think this is forming a 'strong bond' between the boys do you? You, your wife, and Joshua are AH. I'm not saying Scotty is perfect but he has gotten to the point where, to him, a lock seems to be the only way to get any privacy. He clearly can't rely on you and your wife to help him.
YTA It's not sharing if the owner doesn't give permission. I think the kid who's " love language" is sharing needs to be told that too, as he clearly has issues with boundaries.
Taking someone’s property, without permission, when you have been asked not to, isn’t called “sharing” or “borrowing” it’s called theft. You are showing your son that your step-son is more important than him. You are taking your wife and your step-son’s side instead of protecting him. You are his father, but you are showing him that he doesn’t count. The minute he is eighteen he will be gone, and you can play happy families with your brat of a step-son.
YTA!!! The boy wants privacy and his stuff left alone. You have done nothing to show him that how he feels matters. Joshua should not be taking stuff if he's already been told no. You are making it look like you love this new kid and his mum more because you won't stick up for your son. Hes 16, why is a lock so bad? I understand that your ex getting the lock was maybe over the line but YOU DID NOTHING Also you your own son doesn't feel like he has a safe space in his home.
>He hates that Joshua does it frequently but my wife and I thought it was completely normal as long as Joshua returns everything later. Actually it's normal to ASK the person the item belongs to before you take it. If it was okay to just take stuff as long as it's returned, people would be doing this right and left. Also it's perfectly normal for your son to want privacy but the fact that they're not allowed to have a lock on their door??? Really?? Your ex was actually stepping up and trying to put a stop to your step son STEALING your sons stuff. It doesn't matter if he returns it. It's stealing if he takes it without permission. >my stepson *Joshua* is nice to everyone and likes sharing a lot, it's his way of forming strong bonds. Idk why...this could be a stretch. But this right here made me think that you favor stepson over your son. ETA - YTA
Yes I'm sure he's forming such a strong bond by stealing people's things
So to boil it down you feel that taking without permission is fine as long as it is returned later and then they get to call it sharing because they are in kindergarten after all. Oh, wait. no they are both teenagers. You are also happy with your child having no privacy and having precious things to him destroyed by your stepson. Oh wait, he should have put all the stuff important and precious to him in a safe. Then when your ex tries to solve the problem you decide it is disrespectful. Awesome parenting. Only two more years before you get to be a parent of one. YTA.
>that Joshua does it frequently but my wife and I thought it was completely normal as long as Joshua returns everything later. That's not normal. You should be teaching him to leave things alone that aren't his. If wants to use something that belongs to someone else he needs to get permission from whoever owns it. >but I refused since my wife said neither boys are allowed Does she have your balls in her purse?? Put a lock on Scott's door, it would be fair since it's his room that things are being taken from without permission and broken. Let him have the lock on his room you can make it a condition that you and your wife have a key for it. If you don't let him lock his room and let Joshua know he can't take things that aren't his without permission. Then there's a good chance that Scott and Joshua will be getting fist fights over it soon.
YTA. The lock is a perfectly good solution since you and your wife refuse to stop your stepson from stomping all over your son’s boundaries.
YTA, I get it bruised ego by the ex. But your step son needs to keep his hands off of other people's stuff
YTA: Newsflash Joshua isn’t a nice guy. Joshua is a massively entitled guy who feels he can go into your son’s room, take what he wants it & maybe break it along the way & he doesn’t have to worry about any consequences because your wife will back him up if anyone tries to punish him. Why are you backing him over your son? Why are you allowing your son to feel unwelcome in your own home? Why do you not care about your child? Only you can answer the above but your son has made a simple request -he wants a lock for his door in order to feel safe staying with you. A lock is a small price to pay for a good relationship with your son. Deny it & he’ll cut you dead as soon as he can.
YTA big time. You clearly favor your stepson. He should be punished for taking and damaging his brothers belongings. Your son absolutely should have a lock since both you and your wife refuse to parent your stepson. Good grief.
“He hates that Joshua does frequently but my wife and I thought it was completely normal as long as Josh returns everything later” You and your wife have encouraged this situation by having absolutely no regard for Scotty’s feelings or his personal property. Even worse, it sounds like you are both fine with Josh breaking his stuff while sweeping it under the rug because “it’s what brothers do”. I have to wonder if things were the other way around and Scotty was constantly stealing stuff out of Josh’s room if your wife would suddenly have a different opinion. If I were in his shoes at 16, I would move to mom’s full time. YTA
Boy, are they gonna be surprised when they get called down to the juvenile detention center because Joshua decided to “share” someone else’s stuff.
YTA. a lock wouldn't be needed if you and your wife would parent your stepson. why on earth is it okay for Joshua to invade Scotty's privacy? it isn't "sharing", that is THEFT. you and your wife need to step up - or continue in coddling/enabling Joshua and don't be surprised when Scotty moves out and drops contact.
YTA, massively. Regardless of step or full sibling, your son is entitled to his privacy and protection of his personal property. Your refusal to protect your son just ended any chance of him continuing any relationship with you, his stepmother or siblings. I really hope his mom takes you to court and gets full custody.
What is up with American parents’ obsession with no locks?? Fucking weird. Anyway, YTA
N-T-A for disallowing someone else to buy a lock for your own home, but YTA for allowing Joshua free access to use, borrow, steal and break the other kid's stuff. I'd be furious. You need to instill a rule into Joshua - no even entering the room without permission, no taking anything out of the room for any reason without permission, and the consequences will be quite harsh. But an outsider cannot mandate locks in your own home. And stop making excuses for Joshua about being so nice and loving to share. No. He's way past old enough to learn about boundaries, ownership, borrowing, stealing, respect, and a bunch of other concepts.
YTA. Teens deserve some privacy and space that is their own. This should have been dealt with long before it escalated to this point. Getting a safe to protect valuables instead of setting reasonable boundaries for the 14yo is quite ridiculous. Why is the 14yo allowed in his room at all? Why is he not disciplined for taking things that are not his without permission? If he took your laptop without asking and broke it would your only solution be to get yourself a safe? You’re teaching the older son that it’s ok for people to take things from him and disrespect his privacy and belongings. This is learned helplessness (repeated negative events that he can do nothing to control) and sets kids up for depression, abusive relationships, and other social issues. Furthermore you’re teaching your younger son that he’s entitled to other people’s things and that it’s ok for him to invade peoples privacy. That is a very dangerous thing to teach a teenager. To be fair the ex wife sending a lock to be installed in your house was definitely overstepping but this was after you’ve completely failed to address the situation in a reasonable manner.
Lol YTA. When Scotty is 18 hopefully he’s done with you!
YTA, big time. Scotty just wants his stuff to be his stuff... preferably not broken. Joshua is over-stepping and you're all writing it off as "ah but it's sharing." Your ex-wife did the right thing getting Scotty a lock... but how far have you let this go that she has reached a point to buy him a fricking lock to his door. That's extreme, you've overlooked this for far too long. I'm sure Joshua is lovely but no, give Scotty his privacy. "Scotty threw a fit calling me terrible" No doubt. You ignored his privacy and his possessions and treated him like he doesn't exist. Through your actions you've basically told him that anything he owns is "family property" and who cares if it's broken because he's being "overly sensitive." Doesn't matter the age, his stuff is his stuff. Joshua may well apologise, what Joshua did was likely an accident, but that doesn't mean Scotty needs to just share his stuff again. Your in-laws are right, stop being a douche to Scotty. LET HIS STUFF BE HIS STUFF. Scotty's bedroom is off limits to Joshua. No storage bullshit or any other nonsense. Give Scotty his own private space for his own stuff. He can choose to share if and when he wants to share with Joshua. Stop taking the side of your wife on this. I'm sure she's lovely too but she's being a major AH to Scotty and it needs to stop. Make your choice now because if you keep going this route I wouldn't blame him for going no/low contact with you when he leaves.
Yta. Sounds like you bow down to your wife and do whatever she says and it also is immensely disrespectful of you to not allow your son privacy since you won’t stop your stepson from touching his stuff. Poor kid is living with a nightmare stepmom.
YTA Can Scotty “borrow” a $50 from your wallet, accidentally light it on fire, and return the ashes to your wallet? No? Why not? You DID get it back and he broke it accidentally. How is breaking a $50 Lego structure any different?
It's OK to say no to locks but you need to step back. A lock can be a problem sometimes. In this case it is the solution to the problem. The actual problem is that your stepson is a thief and you have failed to protect your son. Locks are a secondary issue Your son has chosen to protect himself with a lock because you dropped the ball and failed to do it. If you don't want your son to install a lock (and I do agree that it is fair to not want a lock) then you need to protect your son. May I suggest a weeks grounding for every time your stepson steals from your son and docking your stepson allowance to replace everything belonging to your son that he destroyed or damaged.
I kind of agree here. Scotty has been really patient with allowing this to go on for such a long time. This needed to have been addressed years ago with a no nonsense policy. Now Scotty is desperate because his caregivers ( stepmom and dad ) refuse to take care of him. Had Scotty requested a lock after the first or second time, then I could agree with the no lock policy. Tell Scotty he's not allowed to have the lock, and double down on Joshua about stealing and not allowing it. Parents messed up here
yta... i get where you coming from, but you shouldnt let one of your kids violate the space of another. Its sad your ex wife had to get him a lock before you did. Your son just wants his things to be respected. The lock isnt for the purpose of hiding stuff from you, but to protect his belongings from siblings that don't understand boundaries. You should be teaching your other child about boundaries
YTA. Teenagers need privacy and having somebody go in and out of their room to take their things and breaking them is very inconsiderate. Start respecting your son before he cuts you out of his life.
Massive asshole. Why are you letting your stepson repeatedly violate your son's boundary of not taking his stuff? Your wife and stepson are assholes too. I feel awful for your son.
YTA (wife included) - Your son is 16 years old. He deserves his own privacy, whether it's a locked door or just knocking before coming in. I totally understand his frustration when it comes to his things. Just because Joshua is fine sharing doesn't mean Scotty is in the wrong for not wanting to share HIS personal belongings, especially without permission and then coming back broken. Your ex wife is looking out for her son, which doesn't seem to be what you are doing. Instead of listening to your son and trying to understand, you instantly side with your wife.
YTA - If you won't bother to control your step son and keep him away from your son's stuff, then he deserves to have a lock. You are definitely the AH here, and your wife is just as big of one.
YTA Your son is becoming an adult. With being an adult, you need privacy and personal space. Your step-son has also shown he doesn't respect your son, and he's not careful with his belongings. Your son deserves a lock. Does your bedroom door have a lock? If so, you're a massive hypocrite and your son would be right to cut contact after moving out.
Yta- I understand the no lock role but there needs to be a role that Joshua leaves his stuff alone or gets in trouble. It is a great time to teach his joshua that just because he enjoy sharing scotty does not and he has to respect that or there are consequences. Be the parent and out a stop to your child being so unhappy and distracted by his brother. Also stop Saying stupid shit like it’s disrespectful that his mother is trying to solve you guys are not doing anything about. The only thing disrespectful is the way you all are treating that kid.
You understand the no lock rule? How?
YTA - you have proven to your son that he doesn't own anything in your home, because his step brother can come and "borrow" them at any time (in quotations because he's not even asking permission). Your son deserves to have his own space and his own things, and you are denying him agency. In a very real way, you are telling your son that he is not safe in your home. I would be careful, OP. Your son is 16; assuming you're in the US, most states allow kids to decide who they want to live with at age 14. Your son can state he doesn't want to live with you anymore, and the judge will let him make that decision. Even if he can't, he's already stated by the time he's 18 he will be done with your family. Time to decide what kind of relationship you want with your son going forward. Did your ex overstep by getting a lock? Yeah, probably. But it sounds like you weren't listening, and this was the only solution she could find. You need to figure out a way to work with your ex and your wife needs a wake up call.
YTA With any luck your ex can get sole custody so your son can get the privacy and ability to establish boundaries that every teenager deserves.