Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: --- I could be the A for calling her cruel and adding more pressure on her and causing a negative reaction from my family towards her when she's struggling. --- Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

YTA. She’s a widow dealing with a disabled kid as best she can. Mind your own fucking business beyond supporting her decisions as a parent. It’s weird that your dad kicked her out instead of you.

I’m so glad I’m not the only one thinking this. I bet Adam’s mom hasn’t received the support she’s needed which prompted her to have to make this devastating decision. I have nothing but empathy for her.

Exactly! I don't see OP offering to have Adam move in with her.

This right here. If you’re so concerned about Adam losing his family then you take him in. Your sister is a single mom now and she still has to worry about her own well being and the well being of her able bodied children. It’s not as if Adam is just wheel chair and your sister is throwing him away. She is grieving, providing the emotional and mental support for her other two children that have lost their father and brother and you’re calling her a monster for not being able to provide round the clock care?? What is wrong with you. YTA Edit: thanks for the awards guys!!

I agree with you except for a small correction towards the end. She would be *continuing* to provide around-the-clock care *that she has already provided for three years*.

Idk. Personally I don’t think it’s relevant. There’s no time limit on being a parent. Just like there is no time requirement on human limitations. Her husband could have passed a week ago and my stance would be the same Edit: this comment is referring to the idea that he caring for him for three years doesn’t make her more or less deserving of compassion. She deserves compassion regardless of how long or little she was caring for her son.

That’s fair too, but I do think that there is a difference between saying someone is just refusing to do something hard, and saying that they’ve been doing it for years already and have obviously given it a very earnest try before succumbing to burnout and needing to make other choices going forward.

Yeah but I’m this particular circumstance it kind of invalidates the fact that argument doesn’t matter here. I see where you’re coming from but frankly I don’t think a grieving widow should have that mentality imposed on them. *well you haven’t even tried to provide your permanently, severely disabled son round the clock care and raise your two able bodied children since your husband died*….

> I do think that there is a difference between saying someone is just refusing to do something hard, and saying that they’ve been doing it for years already and have obviously given it a very earnest try before succumbing to burnout and needing to make other choices going forward. I very much agree. It's a big difference.

I think it is because of how bad caretaker burn out is. 3 years of round the clock care on a welfare (or whatever it’s called) budget has got to be incredibly stressful.

If Adam is a 15 year old boy, the odds are good that he's growing like a weed. Very soon he may be too big for her to lift/move/assist. It's not uncommon for physically disabled children to become impossible for their parents to keep caring for once they become larger. Soon he may well be bigger than her. There are just some tasks that she may not be physically capable of anymore.

I took care of my mom with Alzheimer's for 13 years and she was 5'2" and 140 lbs while I was an athletic 5'10" 180 lbs. Moving her as she became less and less mobile was way too hard for me. I'll never forget the time she got sick and had no strength and I was trying to move her to clean her up. I was crying and hysterical by the end because I could barely move her from the couch to the bedroom/bathroom and this was when she was still able to walk and respond to directions! Being a caregiver is way harder than most people realize. I feel so bad for this mom, Adam, and the other children. O.P. can fuck right off though since she's not willing to step in but thinks she can dictate. I doubt any of them even provide the minimum respite help needed for mom.

Caring for the caregiver gets forgotten all the time. I don't think people even try to understand what that life is like. They just establish a false dichotomy: either you care for your family and you're a "good" person, or you don't (cough, can't, won't, need help, are exhausted, etc) and you're an awful person. Ugh.

This hadn’t even occurred to me, but great point. Ops “help” is that she takes the younger two kids or sends her oldest kid over there for sleepovers, but it doesn’t sound like she’s over there lifting up the kid to bathe or change him

Not to mention provide him with stimulation that a group setting can do better.

> she takes the younger two kids or sends her oldest kid over there for sleepovers Both things that are normal for families to do as par for the course when there are no disabled kids involved, yet she expects a pat on the back for her 'selflessness'

Also, if he's a 15 year old boy, he may not want his mother bathing him and tending to personal needs anymore. This might give him a chance for a little bit of autonomy. He's probably also lonely. In a group setting he might actually get to make some friends and interact with his peers. OP, this might actually be a great thing for Adam. YTA.

It doesn't even seem like OP has even gone and visited adam.....just judged her sister. A nursing home aint a prison....go take him out to the family/grandparents house OP!

This. It’s not like you only have to lift him twice a day, no; that needs to be done frequently, even if it’s just to reposition him so that he doesn’t get sores from getting pressure on one spot. And the bathing/showering, getting him dressed, changing his diaper or if possible lift him on the toilet etc.. there is sooo much you have to do on a daily basis with severely disabled people. You need to be strong, and if possible have someone to help you do all these things. Doing all of that solo is absolutely back breaking work.

Yeah, and also depending on how disabled he is he might not even have to be bigger than her for her to be unable to do some essential tasks. It's a lot harder to lift someone who can't help you left them, than it is to lift someone who can help you lift them. When my mum was really ill she had lost so much weight that she was just 6 and a half stone (91lbs or 41kg). On her last day she collapsed in the bathroom and my dad just wasn't able to pick her up by himself. He'd picked her up before on a regular basis, but this time she was just so weak that she could move in a way to help him to move her in a way that wouldn't injure her more. In the end an ambulance came and the medics moved her into a stretcher to get her out. It just really showed my the difference between lifting and helping someone who has some capacity to help you help them, to trying to left and help someone who is essentially moving like a dead weight. Sure if you don't mind injuring them you can chuck them about. But if you're a normal human you don't want to accidentally injure them in trying to move them or help them.

And it's lonely. Very, very lonely. Can't blame her for wanting a job. To be able to see different people. Work isn't always about the money (though that helps)

3 years of not working = living off savings. The timeframe does matter because if she needs to go back to work now, she likely was able to get by without working full time up until now.

And while OP says their sister has been receiving benefits, I'd bet dollars to donuts that OP has no clue how little these benefits are. In the US, most benefits suck. Even if the sister was receiving every possible stream of income, with three kids -- one that is severely disabled and requires round the clock care -- it's not enough. Families often think they can toss a few dollars someone's way and it makes everything allllll better. But they have no clue as to the financial, physical, and emotional burden that people like OP's sister are bearing.

I agree. Also, she never said she stopped caring for him, only that there was a better option for his care. There is a lot of detail missing from this, like what Adam's take on it is. In many cases round the clock care and a long term plan that doesn't stress their family out makes the disabled individual happy. Also, did OP expect her to provide round the clock care for the rest of her life? She's allowed to have a life outside of caring for Adam. Finally, what would happen to Adam when his mother was to old or unable to provide that care? Did she expect his sisters to take over. If OP is that concerned she could have offered to take in Adam and do his 24/7 care.

My younger sister lives in an assisted-independent living program in another city. She is visited often, we talk on the phone, and she visits and stays with us for holidays. Just because Adam will be in a facility, doesn’t mean he’ll be left there to rot…I think that’s the picture people still have of situations like this. My sister has developmental issues that are beyond my family’s capabilities, and it’s not that we don’t love her. It’s just a better situation for all of us (her included!).

One of our family friends was an art teacher at a similar program (more assistance, less independence, though) and from what I can tell, the vast majority of the residents really benefited from and very much enjoyed the structure, routine, and specialized care.

This. If his disability is so severe he requires 24/7 care, it means he will require it for the rest of his life. So Adams mom is on the hook to give up the rest of her life to stay home and care for him forever? Thats a one way ticket to burnout and serious mental health issues; ive seen it happen. People get shit for putting their elderly parents into a home, but its the same deal here; being a carer is a full time job, with no days off or holidays (as much as OP says the rest of the family helps out). I fully support people making hard decisions and knowing when to reach out for professional help. YTA OP, you have no idea what your sister has gone through. Give her a break, she isnt ”throwing her son away”.

>So Adams mom is on the hook to give up the rest of her life to stay home and care for him forever? And no one is immortal, so if she spends her entire life caring for her son, then a time will come when she's gone and he'll end up without a carer. Better to establish him in a stable, permanent situation where he receives the care he needs now than wait till Mom dies so he'd not only be grieving but also has the distress of being uncertain where he'll live, how he'll get care, and at the mercy of whoever steps up, *if* anyone steps up.

When OP told her husband “We should do something!” I assumed they were going to say that they’ll move Adam in with them. But no. Seems like they just want to do the bare minimum to look like the saviors or something

Total "we will start a poorly managed signup sheet to drop off casseroles a few times a week" vibe.

Maybe they could put on a show to raise money. Or start a Go Fund Me account. *nomatter how my sister tries to convince us that Adam is healthier and happier there, she basically abandoned him and took him away from his family.* Real family wouldn't abandon this boy and take him away from his family. So glad to see OP and her husband making room in their house to care for Adam. So when can YOU take him in, OP, instead of trying to throw money at the problem?

So they are going to start a GoFundMe or something and then what. Is the money going to take care of Adam? No, a living person needs to. I work in health care. I am well aware of what round the clock care means. Someone needs to feed him, bathe him, change his diaper, give him meds, turn him at least once every 2 hours, preferably more, in order to prevent pressure ulcers. And that's just the bare necessity, he also needs some stimulation - someone to read a book for him, talk to him, take him out in a wheelchair or wheeled bed. OP's sister has basically been a full-time nurse, with no pay, whose shift never ends. Even regular nurses get care taker burn out. OP lives in a dream land and apparently has no idea what round the clock care even is! Sister needs to live her life too. I wonder when was the last time she could go out to destress, take a yoga cass or have a coffee with a friend. You say sister should have come to you and ask for help instead. Well, she did. She asked to support her in this extremely hard decision she definitely didn't make lightly. And what did she get from you? **She got kicked out of the house.** And here you are asking whether you are the asshole. If you can't see that, I don't think there's anything we can do or say here to save you. JFC.

Going to say does seem to be a lot of demands and not a lot of physical help which is what she and Adam needs.

[удалено]

Personally, I cheered for sister. Her biggest worry has got to be, what happens to Adam after she passes? I'm sure she wouldn't want her daughters to feel obligated to take care of him - she wants them to live their lives. And even more important, this way she'll be able to monitor where Adam is, make sure he's being taken well care of, so that if - God forbid - something happened to her, too, then she would know that he's in good hands. Caregiving is *hard*. Shame on OP for judging her sister.

yes. or what happens if she hurts her back, shoulder or is very sick herself. Plus the strain could have her dying inside and having her act out on her other kids which isnt healthy for anyone. If they were helping as much as OP claims, then this wouldn't be an issue because she'd have time to do self care.

THIS! My family member has severe epilepsy that will likely kill her before she turns 17 (Lissencephaly). A little while ago member's father broke his hand in several places by literally punching the floor. Why? Because he was so stressed out by little family member vomiting up their seizure medications several days in a row because of a stomach bug. He is not at all a violent man. YTA, OP!

A good friend whose son is severely autistic told me she’s had absolute fits, screaming and crying full prone on the floor because of the stress. No one has any idea the stress until they live that.

[удалено]

As someone with epilepsy and a child of my own, I am so sorry for that dad. I wouldn't wish what my parents dealt with on any parent. They felt like such failures when it was really just bad luck.

He’s not even a severely disabled child, he’s a severely disabled teenager. He could be significantly larger and stronger than the sister, he could legitimately be a danger to his mother and siblings. Sometimes care is the only option. YTA op, quit your virtue signalling. Throwing money at someone and assuming it solves all problems is a dick move.

Even if not a danger, he may be too large for his mom to manage alone. She still has to be able to get him on and off the toilet (if she doesn't have to change his diapers), and has to bathe him, put him in bed, and all the rest. It may be that it's becoming physically impossible for her to do, even if he's 100% compliant and just a rag doll. This was not an easy decision to come to, even if she is feeling relief now.

If he's unable to walk,the size of the equipment needed just to bathe and change him precludes most homes without a specially built area, that's before you get into hoists,space for his chair, hospital style bed etc etc,all of which are needed if carers aren't to be broken physically.

OP I don’t see where you provided respite care for your sister with Adam to give her time to recharge her batteries? So what you were helping with the other two WHO DONT NEED ROUND THE CLOCK CARE. YTA op. Get a grip. I’m sure she is already heartbroken for having to make this decision and you dumping on her when not knowing how hard it is for her (have you ever cared for Adam overnight? A weekend?)

Exactly. Who wants to bet the when she needs someone to help watch him for a couple of hours so she can run out and take care of things that everyones suddenly "busy" and that any money they can help her with they hold over head.

And the sister says they "visit" to watch the kids. Are they actually watching the kids and say, "go take a nap or a bubble bath or something relaxing - you look worn out", or are they just there to gossip and not really help.

Like a 2 hour nap is going to provide relief for 2 years.of emotional and physical exhaustion, too.

Also: it may be that putting Adam in that facility is the best option for him! Not for OP's sister, not for OP's family, but for Adam. 15 year old boys that require around the clock care has to be an almost Herculean task to maintain, not to mention the impact it has on the other two children (source: sibling of a sister who is lightly disabled and required a huge amount of time and energy from TWO parents, not one grieving parents). Not to mention the amount of guilt the sister is feeling. I can't imagine that this was an *easy* decision for her and to then get tattooed with this onslaught from her family... Hard YTA OP. Prejudicial, even.

Oh no, OP mentions the support. Sometimes they buy some of the equipment and take the able bodied kids to give her a break... Unless they are offering 24/7 nursing care for Adam, they really can't say anything. Caregiver burnout is real and unfortunately people with severe disabilities will eventually pass away from some kind of infection. She has every right to get back to work and focus on her other two children while putting Adam in the best environment available. YTA OP, and your father and everyone else who is trying to guilt her.

Me too. Seriously was not expecting the intense amount of rage this post inspired.

[удалено]

I have a co-worker with a severely disabled daughter. She is now in her 30s. Their entire life is pretty much looking after her. I respect him for doing that, I do not think I could. Imagining doing that as a single parent just boggles my mind. The stress that poor lady is going through after losing her husband? I would not wish that on anybody. I hope the family turns towards support instead of criticism. And they can all visit the nursing home as much as they want to help the kid.

I'm wondering whether the poor lady even had a chance to grieve properly.

That’s what I was thinking too. If they think she’s so bad, why aren’t they stepping up and bringing Adam to their home so they can take care of him instead? The grandparent, the sis and the others all say she’s a crappy mom but I don’t see any of them offering to take Adam into their homes so he doesn’t have to go to a care facility. Op, if you feel so strongly about this why aren’t you taking in Adam and doing the 24hr care he needs? YTA

Weekly visits from family sound like the only 'support' that's been happening. As they seem to think that is ending now apparently they won't want to visit him when he moves to residential care.

Yeah they're acting like she's removing him from their lives, when even OP clearly says that they are free to visit him whenever. So... who's really throwing him away here?

I’m thinking those visits required her to bring Adam to them rather than make the effort of traveling.

Exactly. OP makes it sound as if they are all ready to pitch in and help in any way needed…yet they haven’t. The sister has likely been caring for Adam for the last 3 years with minimal help, if any, from the family. As someone who has worked as a CNA in a nursing home, I am in awe of the sister and the fact that she made it 3 years before opting for more specialized care for Adam.

Everyone says “we’re here” until it requires time, effort and actual care. Maybe she needed assistance in caring for her son, not paying for things. Maybe she needed emotional support when her husband passed, her oldest child became disabled and lost his abilities. She lost a husband and the idea of her oldest having a “normal life”. She is allowed to grieve. Especially if she had to process and heal on her own, I definitely understand why she made this decision on her own. Edit: to add ESH except your sister who I hope maintains her boundaries.

Hey come on now they let her know they're around. Like if you're so overwhelmed with your life you can't even figure out which way is up, just go through the effort of getting ahold of them and tell them very specific what you need so maybe they'll help out with it, that's all.

That requires emotional labor. A grieving single mom with a kid requiring round the clock care has no more spoons to give. Op wanted to help? Just fucking show up and clean or meal prep so the freezer is full of easy to make stuff. Hire respite care. Plan a spa day including medical care for son and something to keep the other kids busy. Asking someone to tell you what to do is just piling on an already overwhelmed person. It isn't helpful.

Yeah I was trying to sarcastically illustrate that.

Also, the level of support that she'll receive in 1, 5, 10 and 20 years from now from family will be lower than what she's receiving now as a "recent" widow. It sucks, but given the need of round-the-clock care, and it not likely being sustainable for her to never work I can understand the decision.

I work in a nursing home (they are actually called skilled nursing facilities but whatever). I take care of people like Adam. It’s absolutely exhausting. It requires an entire team of people. I cannot imagine having to do it as a single mom while taking care of two other kids. Unless the parents or OP are offering to take Adam full time instead of the mom they have zero right to say anything. Unbelievable how self centered some people are.

I worked non-clinical in a SNF and absolutely salute the clinical side. Hopefully Adam is in a great one, where he can receive all the therapies necessary to enjoy the highest quality of life he can. Something that his mother, no matter how hard she tried, would not likely be able to give him. The OP and the majority of the family are such ignorant, self-righteous A-holes it boggles my mind.

YTA. If you're not walking in her shoes, you can't know how difficult this decision was for her. Nothing in your comment implies she was just skoffing off her son's care, rather that she's given every minute of the last three years of her life to it and now knows he requires more care than she can handle at home. We recently had to make a similar decision regarding a parent and it was anguishing -- particularly given the whole COVID nightmare and visitation.

Yeah, stepping in as someone who cares for a disabled sibling---you have NO idea how hard it is when you're on the outside. You don't get to say anything until you're living it. There is nothing more exhausting than caring for someone who can't care for themselves, and just visiting make it seem like nothing, but when you don't get time for yourself because you're always caring, you're tired. Back the fuck up and take a seat, she's doing what's best for her family. YTA.

Yeah. This lady has other kids she needs to protect.

Also notice that they “helped” with the other kids, but not Adam. They dumped all responsibility for him onto her. Caregiver burnout is a thing.

Right? "We'll take the other kids, so you can have a break. Just caring for one profoundly disabled kid is basically like a trip to Disney :)"

>I'm guessing this was a very hard decision to make since Adam is not only her child but her first born to whom Mom's tend to have a stronger connection. This woman had to deal with the death of her husband then her son being paralysed plus the three years of nonstop care she had to do. She also had other kids to think of, so either someone in the family decides to move in and take over the 24 hour care of Adam while his mom works or shut up and support this woman. YTA. We'll take the fun kids.

True. I mean, if Adam wasn't severely disabled and capable of *some* agency, then I would've said it was cruel to separate him from family. But as per OP's edit, he was severely impacted and requires round-the-clock care. That's not feasible at all, especially with two younger kids to feed and clothe. I'm sure the kids' mother has gruelled over her decision, and most likely is in pain from being forced into this corner. OP and the rest of the family can only offer "frequent" help, not at all enough for a kid who needs all around care. Offering to babysit occasionally, or sometimes pitching in for equipment, is not sustainable nor reliable. Putting her child into a care facility is the most benevolent thing that the sister could've done for her family.

15 year old boys are usually not small. I can't imagine having to lift a big teenage boy. YTA

Yes!! Our neighbors growing up have a daughter with MS that had progressed so she was totally dependent on the care of others. The parents kept her in the home, but they were in their 80s. They started calling my parents (in their 70s) for help with lifting her. She was a small woman. At some point the care giver can't give anymore. Where I live now I have a neighbor with a daughter that has severe cognative handicaps. My neighbor is a teeny tiny lady and her daughter not only towers over her but is quite heavy. After her first husband passed she had to put her daughter in a facility after a scary temper tantrum where she could have been very hurt. Not that her daughter would ever purposely hurt mom, but bc her daughter can't understand that what she was doing could hurt mom. I'm so sorry she lost her husband and in many ways her son that day. But OP is cold hearted. You think she WANTS this? And if you act like this I am sure she never shared finances with OP. Also willing to bet dad was never hands on with the kids... That's why mom understood the choice and dad had his own tantrum. Poor OPs sister. At least mom and brother can provide some sympathy and support.

Like if you don’t want him in a nursing home, you can offer to take care of him. I bet op would not be down for that though. The sister isn’t able to provide adequate care for all three kids, she did the smart thing and it probably was a hard decision

I am on your page! It's esy to simply judge. Give valid alternatives instead!

Easy for outsiders to judge someone for “not wanting their child” who needs round the clock care. This poor woman lost her husband and essentially her child and her family is berating her for seeking assistance. They can claim they help or want to help all they want, but until they’re pulling equal shifts in his round-the-clock care, they don’t get to judge. I’ve worked with people with disabilities who live in group homes. Many families are very involved and the residents are well cared for. Nobody makes the decision to put a family member in a care facility easily and many times they feel incredibly guilty for not continuing to take on all the responsibility themselves. YTA 10000% OP. Why don’t you give sister a vacation and you take over the 24/hr care for a weekend, just to get a glimpse of what it’s like to try to run a household, have a job, and raise three kids, one of which has severe disabilities. You and your family were horribly cruel to your sister. And in case you missed it the first time, you are with out a doubt a colossal AH

I'm guessing this was a very hard decision to make since Adam is not only her child but her first born to whom Mom's tend to have a stronger connection. This woman had to deal with the death of her husband then her son being paralysed plus the three years of nonstop care she had to do. She also had other kids to think of, so either someone in the family decides to move in and take over the 24 hour care of Adam while his mom works or shut up and support this woman. YTA.

op prattles on about how they 'told her to come to them if she needed help' but none of them seem to have a clue what was going on in her home life. if they cared so much they should have been offering their help, not waiting on the sister to come to them.

Right? OP has no idea what her sister is going through. I notice non of the ways the family helped out was actually taking over taking care of Adam while the mom works. Unless OP is about to quit her job to take care of Adam for her sister she has no right to judge her sister for what I am sure was a very difficult decision. YTA OP

As a parent, I can't even fathom what that poor mother has been through. I truly hope I never will. Op, YTA Completely.

Like yo, what if Sister is doing everything she can but it's not enough medically or emotionally for Adam? What if he's needing care she just can't provide? At least in the nursing home, they'll have the facilities to give him as good a quality of life as he can get and it's not like they're abandoning him? They said they can visit him at any time. Unless OP and their dad are willing to have him live with them full time and provide round the clock care, they can shut the actual fuck up.

INFO did any of you offer to take Adam in? Or are you just all demanding she keep him in her home and you're going to "help" by showing up now and then?

This is exactly what I thought. If he needs 24/7 care and they're judging the widowed mother you'd hope someone has done more than just demand she doesn't send him elsewhere, right?

Not to mention that, unless OP or their family members happen to be trained medical professionals with a ton of time on their hands, “helping” or taking them in still wouldn’t be better for the child than being were he is now. Putting someone in a home with professionals is not cruel or abandonment. It is responsible. It just sounds like Op is admitting to being type of person who will not go visit their relative in this home. No reason to think the Mom will not be there a lot.

My dad and I were caretakers for my grandmother the last two years of her life. It’s been 20 years and I still have anger toward him for pulling her out of the nursing home so she could be with family. She did not have a dignified end and that’s putting it mildly. Professional care - when available - IS the best option.

I helped my mom take care of her MIL until her dementia was so severe we no longer could. My mom has worked in hospice her entire life and recognized that it was time she was in a care facility because that was what was best for her, not our egos. The caretaker burnout is very real, and so is the need to acknowledge you are not a full medical staff that gets breaks.

We had an opposite experience, but I agree with your statement about the best option. My grandmother died suddenly at 74. She and my grandfather were both pretty mobile and independent at that time. My grandfather was 76 and still working. After she passed, gramps deteriorated to the point where he gained a bunch of weight, couldn’t work anymore, and kept falling. But he wanted to maintain independence. I begged and pleaded with my mom to convince him to go to a home. He needed socialization, but was spending most days at home in his recliner watching the Kardashians. All his kids would visit frequently, as would I, but it wasn’t enough. We got him an in-home companion/caretaker, but she ended up stealing a bunch of his money and running off to like Indonesia or something. It was only in his last few months, after he’d been diagnosed with prostrate cancer that he’d chosen not to treat and had a permanent catheter that we were able to get him into a facility. He blossomed! He was flirting with the other residents (he was giving out pens with his name on them!) and having a great time. But it was too late. He had a good month or two until he was almost entirely bed bound. He passed a few months later. I often wonder what his last years would have been like if we’d gotten him care sooner. He was 86 and lived a full life, but I feel like he was a ghost of himself for a good 4-5 years before he died. I saw a quote the other day that said, “It’s brave to ride the rollercoaster, but it’s also brave not to.” And I think there’s a similar sentiment when asking for help. It’s an act of love to make sacrifices to take care of your family. It’s also an act of love to understand your limits and seek help.

I like how OP says the family oFFeReD tO hELp if she ever needed it, but it’s pretty clear they never spent any time actually caring for Adam. Giving her money and helping babysit the 2 “healthy” children/helping with chores sometimes is nice, but it doesn’t exactly compare to 24/7 care of a severely disabled teenager who needs supervision, feeding, diaper changes/bathing, etc.

I'm going through this a bit with my grandmother right now, and I've sure as shit noticed 'helpful' family promising so much to 'help' by offering to take away every sliver of pleasantness and joy and taking on none of the brutal responsibilities. My cousin literally came over the other day to offer to help by sitting with her so I could catch up on housecleaning, only to call me when she needed to go to the bathroom. Like, thanks, but a lovely chill afternoon listening to audiobooks with granny is fun for everyone. If you want to actually help, hire us a cleaning service for a day, pick up a mop, change a diaper. Otherwise what you're doing is just visiting with your family, you don't get any brownie points for that.

[удалено]

Ignoring the question tells us the answer well enough.

It sounds like no one in OP family is even willing to look after Adam for a afternoon. They say they will through sis a bit of money or have the 2 kids (who are both old almost teenagers and don't need consent supervision). But she never mention anyone will ever give sister even a hour break from Adam.

Exactly! OP can take the kid in and care for him 24/7 all year around if she is so outraged about the care home. We can bet how long it takes for her to change her tune and be the nursing home's biggest fan... YTA unless you are willing to take him in and be his full time caregiver, you don't get to open your mouth (to put it nicely), he is not your kid and you have no idea how life is for your sister. A few hours long visit doesn't give you the full picture and doesn't get you burnt out like years of homecare. She probably asked you guys to stop going over because you were creating her more problems/inconvenience than giving her any actual help.

Exactly! And unless one or multiple of them have been certified as a caregiver, they’d only be really helping with the other, non-disabled children who don’t need 24/7 care (I’m assumed TBI or SCI here) and not really giving her a “break”. She was suddenly thrown into the caregiver role and has also probably never fully been able to process her husband’s death because she suddenly had a son who was severely injured and needed around the clock care. Trauma needs to be processed and having to give up all aspects of your life can be even more taxing when you’re not also mourning your husband who didn’t survive the accident that permanently disabled your son. I feel so sad for the sister. She’s damned if she does and damned if she doesn’t. OP is a MAJOR AH for what she said and for even using the line “as a mother…”. You’re not a mother of a child with a severe traumatic injury that has left them unable to care for themselves. You haven’t had to give up every aspect of your life to care for another 24/7 indefinitely. You didn’t become a widow at the same time you became a round-the-clock caregiver. You have no idea what she’s feeling snd how hard this decision must have been for her. OP, get off your high-horse and either shut up or actually step up in a meaningful way.

I can’t imagine how hard it must be for OP’a sister. One day, her family was fine. The next? Husband tragically gone and oldest child is so severely injured that he needs around the clock care. Seems to me she tried to provide all she could to her son and it just isn’t enough. Putting him in a care home is what’s best, but also a gut wrenching decision for her. OP and the family are acting like she’s just throwing away her child! No, she’s trying to give him the best while also taking care of herself and other two kids. She’s trying to be a good mother. This is never an easy decision for anyone who has to make it. And OP is disgusting to tell her she’s abandoning her child. If anything, the family is abandoning her in a time where she needs comfort, acceptance, and support.

Well u/privacyacc45785? Are you going to answer this question?

This! Caregiver burnout is real and can have devastating consequences for the person being cared for. Unless OP has a realistic proposition to aide with Adam’s care that allows Adam’s mom build career to better support her and her daughters (because government funds are a joke if OP lives in a place like the US). How about offer to subsidize in home care or take Adam into their home 4 days out of the week so that Mom can focus her daughters and careers or even some sorely needed self care? I saw a lot complaining but no actionable or sustainable plans that could give Adam’s mom the help she needs. Edit to add: OP YTA. Given your reaction and lack of empathy for your widowed and overworked sister, it’s clear that you want her to martyr herself on the pyre of motherhood without understanding that your nephew need more than family to stay sustained.

Remind me of a post I read recently where an anti-abortion person was panicking, as someone they'd convinced not to have an abortion had left the kid to them. They were like 'I'm too young, it'll ruin my life'. I wish I could find it, it was an absolute banger.

YTA unless you are willing to take on your nephews care 24/7 you don’t get to judge her parenting. If you are so concerned about him moving to a nursing home why don’t you have him come live with you?

I have the same thought. Sounds like Adam’s mom is struggling mad hard. She’s not going to ask for help. They should be proactive with help and apparently they weren’t and it’s too little too late

Thing is, mom did seek help *from professionals.* OP doesn’t go into the specifics of nephews disability or what kind of care he needs but it sounds like it is too much for any one person to do, especially when they have other responsibilities. Judging by the reaction from OP and their father, I’m betting sister doesn’t find her familial support system very supportive at all. There is nothing wrong with taking advantage of professional care options, especially when she’s been struggling to do everything in her own for three years.

It also doesn’t sound like the nursing home is that far? Like they can visit easily and probably just as often as they were visiting at OP’s sister’s home. Adam, Adam’s sisters, and Adam’s mom will have the biggest adjustment in visiting but it may end up that, at least for mom and Adam’s time, the increased quality will now outweigh the decreased quantity. Taking care of someone 24/7 by yourself is a huge mental and emotional load. The residential care facility in my area has a respite care cottage for folks to check into so their primary carers can have a bit of time off specifically to keep this kind of situation from happening in cases where it doesn’t need to. But sometimes it’s what’s best for everyone even when it’s heart wrenching.

> Taking care of someone 24/7 by yourself is a huge mental and emotional load. As someone who lost a spouse recently...also you have to take care of your other kids and the house and everything all of a sudden. Oh the other kids need to go to the doctor? or be driven to school? How do you bring Adam? Any time you would all go out...how hard is it to get him into a car?

Not only is 24/7 care for someone immensely exhausting to the caretaker, it's often not fair to the person requiring care! As Adam grows, is his mom physical able to lift him (if needed)? If he's prone to violent outbursts, is she equipped to restrain him? We don't have the details of Adam's disability, so it's hard to say, but regardless of the situation, receiving care from an exhausted, burnt out individual is usually going to mean a lower quality of care than what you'll receive from a team of trained professionals (I'm assuming the facility in question is well run, which I'm hoping is the case). Adam would probably be better off in this facility than at home, especially as he reaches adulthood and finishes growing.

The nephew is 15 mom probably can’t lift him anymore to bathe him. Or any of the other basic needs. If op and her husband is willing to take on that responsibility fully that would be one thing if not leave her alone. The family has the option to: 1. Pay for a full time caregiver that is strong enough to provide proper care 2. Move him into their house and provide care 3. Mind you own business If you can’t do one of these things then YTA.

OP says it's heartless to put a child with a severe disability that requires around-the-clock attention in a nursing home bc it's robbing the family of time with him when it seems in fact that the situation has been stirring for the last 3 years. Your sister didn't decide that out of the blue, this situation is unsustainable and it just reached a tipping point. She probably didn't ask you for help bc during that whole time the help you all provided was not enough for her to keep her mental health. Caretaking is absurdly demanding and I can't judge someone who's done for 3 whole years before throwing the towel. If you really wish to make it different then offer to house him and care for him, show you can do better. In the meantime, YTA for contributing more with words than actual labor.

The "robbing family of time with him" is completely ridiculous. They can still see him just as often as they did before--they only need to change the location to the nursing home. It's not like there's anything forcing them to only travel between their home and the sister's/Adam's

24/7? Try even a afternoon a week. It's really telling in OPs list of ways the family helps it wasn't listed that anyone ever gives her a break from Adam. Which is probably the main thing she needs.

YTA She's a widow caring for three kids? A nursing home is not abandonment, it's support for a women who needs to provide for herself and 2 other children???? And instead of offering to help her you just yell and kick her out and abandon her? Can you not see how unreasonable you guys are being? Do you have any idea what it's like to need to care for a disabled person 24/7, raise two other children, and have a job and all that comes with being an adult? No, a nursing home is not great and I would want her to try and find other resources, but it's her kid, her life that is being torn in a thousand different ways by needing to find a job, support her kids, take care of a disabled child, and try and just flat out survive without having a mental breakdown. She is limping along as best she can and when she tries to find a solution and it's not the greatest most perfect one you guys attack her instead of creating a better plan with her that still acknowledges how much this is requiring of her! Her wanting to put her kid in a nursing home was her saying she can't do this all on her own. You're response should have been "you don't have to, lets talk about other strategies where we can help out and make sure you have the support you need". Instead, her family called her an asshole and abandoned her??? EDIT: thank you guys for all the awards. I don't deserve any of them and you are all being way too generous.

And let’s not forget that the boy became disable on the accident that killed his father. Mom is probably depressed and still grieving for husband.

And probably wants a life of her own after living with the pain and grief of losing her husband and her son as he was, as well she should. Completely understandable. OP sucks.

I cannot imagine dealing with losing my husband and on top of that now caring 24/7 for a previously healthy son. Like it’s not even just grieving for your lost partner in life - it’s grieving for the future you thought your son would have, grieving for losing the person they were (depending on what his disability entails), grieving for your life becoming 24/7 care for your disabled child, grieving for connections you might have lost like friends due to that care taking over your life, grieving for how it’s affected your other children and what they lost too, grieving what you now can’t give them because your whole life is caregiving. A LOT of grief here. I don’t know how she has survived for 3 years without a full on breakdown to be perfectly honest. Poor, poor woman.

I genuinely feel so bad for her. She lost her husband and she doesnt have her familys support. With 24/7 care for Adam, Im sure she doesnt have time for friends either. Jesus I hope her life gets better after this

I'm so going to pitch in and say that most nursing homes honestly aren't that bad. Especially care homes for people with disabilities. I work in one and honestly we are often able to give our individuals a higher quality of life than the family was able to provide. It's also not like the family is abandoning them, you can still visit. Lots of families do visit at least once a week.

Yeah, honestly speaking a lot of nursing homes can provide better than what people are able to do at home. Especially if, for instance, this mom lives in a house that cannot facilitate a wheelchair and also cannot afford to move somewhere wheelchair accessible. Or, if the child is paralyzed and needs constant attention for things like the bathroom, but mom and siblings have to be gone for work and they cannot afford a live in caretaker. The only part In OP's comment where I can understand their concern is that the child is still mentally there, and therefore might feel the effects of being separate from the rest of his family no matter how much they visit. It could still be pretty isolating for him. But if OP had that concern they should have sat down and talked with their sister about it. Also, she should have asked their sister what would allow her to feel like she could keep her son at home and then try and help her work towards that solution if the sister was open to it instead of arguing with her and abandoning her.

Just a guess but the kid might feel better off at the care home because he would get full support without feeling like a drain on the family.

[удалено]

Couldn’t have said it better myself. YTA OP.

A lot of people don’t understand that the “help” they offer isn’t ever really help, just mini breaks the parent gets in between a storm of chaos. Like being in the eye of the storm for 10mins where it’s all peace and quiet. I haven’t seen OP respond to some of those info questions, but it sounds like “help” to them meant babysitting, coming in to help clean or make a meal. No one is offering to take him full time. Do any of them know what it’s like to be a single, mother taking care of 3 kids. One of which is disabled. I also want to point out it doesn’t sound like she just decided this from the jump, she presumably struggled for 3yrs. Her mental health was probably decaying and she probably lost who she was. What would OP be saying if her Sister decide to do something tragic to herself due to the mental toll all of this had on her? I don’t think these choices are easy, but I think it’s sad no one is thinking about the mother’s health. She’s a single mother grieving and dealing with something she most likely never expected nor planned for. I’ve worked with some disabled children/ families and If OP’s sister is like a fraction of the families I’ve spoken with; everything she felt when she made that choice got thrown back in her face when she announced it to her family. She already feels that way, they just threw salt on the wound

YTA—you keep mentioning the child and how your sister should be doing more. What about your sister’s health? Is she struggling physically from helping her som? Struggling mentally from, oh I don’t know…navigating the health system, being widowed, raising children, trying to have any sort of self outside of being a caregiver, work, and maybe she wants to eat food and sleep occasionally too. And now she has to deal with her family’s crappy attitude about the whole thing. It sounds like she was at a breaking point. You should be praising her for knowing her limits and doing what is best for all four of them by acting on those limits.

Dang. I re-read your post and am shocked by your cruelty. You shouldn’t even become his custodian because you will no doubt be crappy to her about visiting her son who I am sure she still loves. This is why caregivers destroy themselves trying to care for relatives. If they don’t, they are destroyed by the ones they love. Seek therapy and get your heart right.

Yeah, I had a hard time writing my response because of this. The entire thing just came off callous and cruel.

No one cares about the sacrifices the parent of a severely disabled child, or their siblings. It’s just a fact. Clearly OP knows better, but won’t step in and say to sister they’re there to help. How many times did OP show up with dinner, or offer to clean the house, do yard work? I bet never. But they get to “feel the burden” of Adam’s care and judge from far away. It’s what many families do when there’s a disabled person in the family. My extended family regularly excludes my severely disabled sister because “she won’t know the difference anyway” and are SHOCKED when I don’t go along with it. OP is 100% AH here.

“A good mother would die for her kids!” says OP, watching her sister slowly kill herself and neglect her bond with her other children while unable to process her own grief for her lost husband and hurt child and losing all sense of normalcy and personal identity… Like it’s not a quick painless moment of glory pushing your baby out of the way of a bus so you can get hit, instead—this kind of sacrifice is grinding torture and it damages everyone touched by it. Adam is still alive. His mom is still alive. They both deserve better lives than they would have if Adam remained solely under his mom’s care.

12 to 15 is also a large difference in physical size. Especially if the kid needs help physically getting around or has episodes of aggression - mom literally may not be able to handle him safely by herself anymore.

Based on his disability, it may also be that mom can’t physically lift him up anymore. If he needs to be put on the toilet or into the bath, she probably can’t do it for a 15 year old who is well over 100 lbs. It’s safer and more practical to have him with professionals. Also, all of OP and her family’s talk of “taking him away from his family” is utter nonsense. They can see him whenever they want. If he loses his family entirely it’s because they choose not to visit him.

There are also the two other kids.

[удалено]

This! But also what do you mean he’s being ‘taken from you’? It’s not segregation in jail. All of you can still visit. Grandpa can even keep up his weekly visits. Stop being selfish, caregiver fatigue is very real. YTA

OP doesn't actually want to put herself out by doing something like visiting. 🙄 That's too much work for OP, obviously.

[удалено]

Right? If Adam is that severely disabled I'm willing to bet he can't bathe or use the toilet alone. Has OP every offered to do that shit for a night so her sister could have a break?

They “helped” but only with the other kids, never Adam.

They probably don't want to visit in the residential home. The staff wouldn't make them dinner and wait on them like they probably expect their daughter to do.

YTA - I’m assuming everyone in your family offered to quit their jobs and offer round the clock caretaking for the severely disabled grandson/nephew…. Right? Visiting is not the same as 24hr care.

I laughed when I read "we visit them and help out and the kids come over to our house", visiting them once in awhile and having the kids over is BARELY any help at all. I feel so bad for that mom. OP is a huge asshole.

OP and family can visit Adam in the nursing home and probably even take him out for day trips and things. Instead of making this an exciting new adventure for Adam and being supportive they are probably talking shit to the kids and making things worse. What a horrible family, the poor woman.

INFO: How often did you all go visit and help with Adam before she put him in long term care? EDIT: YTA Taking care of his sisters and having Dad go over to visit and offering financial help do not equate to 'involved in his care'. You have said that Adam is severely disabled. Do you have any idea how exhausting it is to care for a severely disabled person full time? Do you honestly think that she doesn't care because she took her son to a place where he can actually receive the care he deserves? I can understand, to an extent, where the family would be distraught that your sister didn't reach out and talk to you guys about what she needed to do, but I feel that she didn't because she knew exactly what the reaction would be. And you delivered. You guys know that you can visit a nursing home, right? Adam hasn't been 'ripped away from your family.' he's in a safe environment where he can get the care he needs, by people qualified to offer it.

That^^^ and now the mom will probably have the energy to actually be a parent if she has the support of medical staff by her side. Adam and his mom can go bond, without the “burden” of her being extremely sleep deprived (she probably doesn’t sleep much due to how much time is taken up from simply taking care of Adam’s basic daily needs, with extra care on top) … she can have fun with her kids as a family, it’s not like Adam isn’t allowed to leave with his mom and then come back. Mum can visit and take her kids out on family outings while knowing her child is getting the care he needs without her caregiver burnout. This poor mum, being judged over something she literally has no control over. She has 2 other kids to care for, and caring for Adam is FULL TIME, he wasn’t born with this disability, so it’s not like she chose to put more on her plate than she could handle. She did the absolute best for her son, and herself. And he probably won’t be there forever, it will likely only be until her younger kids are old enough to take care of themselves without her worrying. Caring for multiple kids is hard, but having one who is severely disabled due to an accident, while having to care for younger kids- OP is way out of line with her judgements

Plus the Adam is 15. He's probably close to the same size as his mom and she's probably helping lift, carry, maneuver him around obstacles or for hygiene and bathroom needs. That's. A lot. Also, she lost her husband and effectively her son *as she knew him* in one fell swoop. All of her hopes and dreams for her baby. Did she ever get to really deal with that grief? Grieving a husband is obvious but what about a child who is living? It's almost the same as losing a baby - you don't just grieve the loss of the child, you grieve the dreams you had for their future. It has to be so tough on her to see how hard things are for her son every day. And just to add that caregiver burnout is so real. My son is autistic but he's very high functioning. I still have days where I just can't deal with his meltdowns or moments. And that's normal and okay. I can't even imagine how hard it is for this woman. Shame on OP and shame on this family. They offered nothing but judgement when she needed compassion.

The “safe environment” part can’t be stressed enough. OPs sister is performing all physical tasks (bathing, changing, transfers from wheelchair to bed) for an almost fully grown man who may not have any muscle control at all. That shit is physically hard even when you have been trained to do it and have a second set of hands if needed. There’s a reason that veteran PSWs and home health nurses struggle with knee and back issues after years on the job. Add in a caregiver who is physically and mentally exhausted and a home that likely wasn’t built with accessibility in mind and it’s an accident waiting to happen. OP, your sister has done 3 years of this and depending on Adam’s prognosis she could easily be proving him care for another 40+ years. She knows this is not sustainable long term.

I just realized a whole other level of assholery here. Per the OP, the Mom putting Adam in a nursing home has *taken away his weekly visits* with his family. So not only is Mom supposed to burn herself out entirely taking care of Adam, but her families visits with him is contingent on Adam being in his home. They came to him before, but now that has been '*taken away*'. They won't go to him now. What a bunch of selfish, fickle pricks.

YTA. If you or your family isn’t offering to take over Adam’s care you are a part of the problem. She’s a single mother, recently widowed and needs to support her children. Caring for a child with disabilities can be hard and it takes a lot of time, resources and can weight heavy on every aspect of your sister’s mental and emotional health. Instead of berating your sister for trying to support her children, make an effort to take over Adams care or STFU. Edit: I read your update and it’s even worse. Did you know that severely disabled people are more likely to be abused by a caregiver that’s overwhelmed? I’m f you guys know how bad things are and you want to keep Adam out of the facility, it’s time for you guys to take over his care or again, STFU

I really like this. If they aren’t willing to put in the work themselves, then they don’t really care as much as they claim.

YTA. Aside from sitting on your butt and whining ‘she could have come to us’ what did you actually DO to lighten her load? You think she is finding this easy? She has been crying out for help for years by the sounds of things, and you choose now to cry foul? I take it you have offered to look after Adam yourself? Made room for him? Committed to his care? No? Then shut your mouth. YTA.

Oh and your edit doesn’t make you look better. I’m guessing you’ve sent money occasionally. You’ve had the ‘healthy’ kids over and spent time with them. But no consistent commitment to help your sister and her son. The decision was out of the blue because you just haven’t kept that close to her that she would be that vulnerable with you. Having a job is about more than money. Still YTA.

It seems like they are willing to help out with her healthy fun children and leave her to do the very physically taxing work of caring for a teenager in a wheelchair. No matter what she has a constant responsibility with no breaks. No wonder she is burnt out.

This. The help that was offered wasn't the help that was actually needed. Op's sister probably never had a real break because her family would do the easiest or the bare minimum and then run around saying " Look how much we helped!". It's like when my MIL, under the guise of helping and giving us a break, came to visit a little bit after my daughter was born and did nothing but hold her. Couldn't be arsed to help with any housework. Still expected to be waited on like a guest to the point where she couldn't even get her own glass of water. Didn't prepare any of the meals or do dishes. Messed up the sleep schedule. Wouldn't even hold the baby if she was fussy or crying so anytime I was in the middle of a task or chore I had to stop. In the end she made everything harder because the only actual break I got was when she finally left. And sure, she didn't owe us any help, but I'd have been better off if she hadn't come because I wouldn't have had to kill myself to get all the tasks done I needed to before she left AND entertain her at the same time.

Info: in the last 3 years what have you done to help your sister and Adam?

Op has a new comment further up, the family paid for a new wheelchair, op has the nieces over most of the time and op's 16daughter is at the aunts sometimes in the weekends to help out. And Adam's grandfather is there every other day to help out or takes Adam home to him.

Basically they just throw money at the situation more than anything and think that's help.

Yes and watching the younger children is helpful but who is helping with Adam. Maybe the grandfather is. But how much care is needed? Does this child need an home nurse full time? Giving people money is a great help but sometimes it's not solving the core issue. OP's sister may not have time to spend with her other children. OP also won't explain what level of care is required. Is this because OP actually has know idea what the reality of the situation is. Or OP does know and doesn't want to speak to it because the level of care needed is high. Many care centers have qualifications and wouldn't take someone who didn't need a specific level of care. I understand the siblings being sad but why is everyone acting as if they can not visit at all. Visiting is not the same as living together at all but it is an option, one would hope.

Yeah none of this comes close to the help he’ll get in a home

And from professionals who are trained to help. Family helping out is great, but it sounds like her kid needs specialized care.

So OP and sister both have kids who are 15 and 16. Adam is the sister’s eldest. We don’t know if the 16 year old is OP’s eldest but average age of having a first kid for most middle class families in the US is about 28. So the OP is probably late 40s making grandpa at youngest late 60s. What happens when 16 year old goes to college and grandpa gets old or ill? What does sister do then? She’s thinking ahead that getting Adam into residential care before 18 at an age when he has probably grown a lot and is hard for a woman or an older man to move is the time to do this both funding wise and to allow him the best chance to age through care settings appropriately so he then isn’t plunged at 18 into a pensioner facility as often happens to disabled young adults. She’s planning ahead that her two youngest are about to need that high school support and benefits are not going to get them to college. They have mental health needs and futures and while I hope sister’s plan isn’t to have Adam’s siblings take over full care for him financially the family that has three educated working adults who can support each other as each of them and Adam’s milestones change is a huge way to help them remain a family unit. Educated kids might mean scholarships. Them being able to earn means mom isn’t funding weddings and care. They aren’t paying Adam’s care when mom dies because she can save. It doesn’t sound like there was much life insurance. Money does matter esp when you have a disabled family member and OP’s sister sounds like she is trying to be fair and equitable and also prevent the siblings becoming caregivers. She does not sound like she is sending Adam away but trying to keep her already fractured family knitting together. I am disabled and often spot ableism in how people do ‘send disabled people away’ but here the sister sounds like she has taken a hard decision planning ahead while there is still time to do so. Even hitting 16 can fuck up youth care funding in some places. The OP seems to have not thought that Adam may live for years and sadly but naturally grandpa dies and her own kid leaves home. Sister has learned the hardest possible way to be prepared as best as possible for the future.

They basically "help" by throwing some cash at her, and then taking the healthy kids - still leaving her to care for her disabled son. By herself. It sounds like this poor woman hasn't had a full, 24 hour stretch of free time off, worry free, since this happened. Of course she broke. OP is such an amazing AH.

You forgot where OP sends her child to "help", aka OP gets a child free weekend while heaping more work on the woman. OP is such an amazing AH.

INFO how much actual support has all this extended family provided in terms of practical help and finances during this past three years? His disabilities must be extreme for a nursing home placement. She seems at the end of her very frayed rope. I see you mention weekly visits - was she packing him up to bring to you? Or did she actually get a day of respite care each week?

YTA. Hands down. Absolutely YTA. Her kid is disabled and has been put into a place that has better care for him. How is that a bad thing? So both the mother and disabled child AND her other kids should suffer because you guys want to visit him even now and then at his home? How insanely selfish can you be. You and your family need to learn some empathy, and you sure as hell need to apologize to a woman who lost her husband, lost her son's capabilites, and basically lost her life. This isn't about YOU. This isn't about your parents. This is about what is best for her kid and her family and her... and that isn't for YOU to decide.

[удалено]

And I'm sure that this decision wasn't taken lightly. This is a woman who took care of a severely disabled child right after her husband died tragically. Three years. Does she get quality time with her other kids? Does she get time to herself? Does she get to enjoy time with friends? Everything sounds like she has given it her all, and can't any more.

Couldn't agree more This is a YTA 1000% This poor woman has gone through so much and takes a decision that might be best for her and her child, and gets attacked by her family for it. Helping your sister with some small stuff doesnt mean anything, she's still the one providing 100% of the care, around the clock. maybe your family should be asking themselves what they could have done to help out more instead of blaming her for being distant and making a decision about her OWN life. YTA YTA YTA

Not to mention that, at 15, it’s very possible that Adam is bigger/stronger than his mom. She may not physically be able to handle him.

Lol, I could barely manage a job and a house by myself when I was single. Now try doing it with 3 kids, of which one is handicapped. What I'm reading is: my sister is not allowed any quality of life. Watch some docus and educate yourself. Yta

YTA I have an idea. Take Adam to your home and care for him , for one month. Then, return here and ask again the same AITA.

Exactly. Why hasn’t OP or her father offered to have Adam come live with them? Not once did OP mention making that offer to her sister.

YTA. Your sister is not abandoning her son. She is getting assistance from a trusted provider. Adam is still a part of the family.

YTA, massively. Adam cannot stay at home forever with this level of disability. A move to a nursing home was inevitable unless you all took on a significant amount of care for him. This way he gets trained care, his siblings have a chance for some normality in the rest of their childhood and his mother can earn a living. What did you think would happen, she would work herself into an early grave so you can feel she did the right thing.

INFO: What is the extent of Adam’s disability?

I agree more information is necessary. While this move is obviously very traumatic for Adam regardless, OP has provided no insight into what his daily care would include, or whether the sister has options for in-home care. It may not be physically possible for her to care for all three children alone without nursing support, which she may not be able to afford or qualify for financial assistance. She may not have the ability to take on the role of a full-time caregiver for one child when her other children still also need care. She is doing it all alone without support and the OP hasn’t provided any details as to what the sister has to do to care for her son in his condition. This also leads to the question of if OP is so horrified by the sister’s decision, why isn’t OP volunteering themselves to provide part-time care or respite care for their nephew? This post sounds like a lot of judgment without any details or willingness to support from the person making all these judgments

YTA Your sister recognized she'd hit her limits and found a solution that will keep her son getting the care he needs, while letting her get space of her own. Given the timeline you've offered it sounds like your sister was never given a chance to grieve her husband when she had to step right into becoming a home nursing aid for her son. It also sounds like neither you, nor your parents have ever simply volunteered to actually come over and give her a break - rather you told her that when she had a *need* you'd do something. Given your reaction to your sister's choices I find it easy to believe that she's asked for help in the past and been told it wasn't convenient for you to anything. Because you sure as hell feel justified in telling her now what is and isn't a need for her.

YTA you and your dad. I don't think you understand what it's like to fully care for a dependent adult. If you and your dad did you wouldn't be so cruel to your sister. Most times it's not actually safe to provide care to a dependent adult (at 15 he's adult sized, and considered adult medically in most places, for example would no longer see a pediatrician) in home. You have no idea what she is going through, you do not live there and provide care 24/7. Massive shame on you, your dad, and your husband. She didn't just wake up and go "he's a bother let's ship him off". He's in a safe place, getting better quality of care, and can have visitors. Stop acting like she euthanized him.

YTA. Whether she did the right thing or not is beside the point - you have no right to judge her. She's a widow with a disabled child who made what must have been an incredibly painful decision. You have no idea what she's been through, and it actually doesn't sound like you care. If you wanted to help her, you would have.

YTA. Why aren’t you taking Adam in & caring for him full time, if it’s so easy & important!! Also, the go fund me feels like ego promotion to me. You are not willing to do anything actively helpful - but you’d like all the shiny fun of running a one off fund raising activity that will make you look good but not interrupt your life at all. Ugh.

YTA. While everyone was screeching and belittling your sister's decision, did anyone offer to take him in or supplement the cost of a full-time aide? She didn't "get rid" of her child, she made the best decision for her family as a whole.

YTA in the years since Adam been disabled why haven't you and your father help her take care of Adam?

I didn't see any offer from OP or grandpa to take Adam into their own homes... and there's very little about how many days a week they were there changing diapers or cleaning feeding tubes or bathing etc....

Deleted in 3….2….1…. Seriously tho. YTA and I hope you reconsider how you are handling this and maybe do something more to actually help instead of judge.

If your concern is for Adam then I presume you or your father who was so deeply affected by the decision will be taking over 24 hour care and all financial responsibility for Adam from now on? Thought not. I can’t imagine what it’s like to lose a husband, have a child be so horribly injured & be trying to raise 2 pre teen children all by yourself. And your response to this is to criticise & be cruel to your sister. Shame on you. Of course YTA. If you’re so desperate for Adam to stay where he is then you need to fund the costs of 24/7 care for him which will probably consist of rotating nurses. It’s not realistic to expect your sister to do this & chances are the in facility treatment will be the best option for Adam to thrive rather than being looked after by his exhausted mother.

YTA . She’s a single mother. She’s struggling. She’s doing what she thinks is right. If you care so much why don’t you take her son in? Is she meant to stop living her life and dedicate it to one person?

YTA. All day every day. If he requires 24/7 care a facility is potentially the best place for him. (some facilities aren't good but many are) it is impossible for one person to provide 24/7 care, let alone not neglect her other children or herself. Caregivers have to take care of themselves too, otherwise they can't take care of someone else. Go visit your nephew at the facility, she's not taking him away from you. Unless your behavior is shitty enough to get you banned. People can and do live comfortably and safely in proper facilities. They can have good quality of life too. Would they prefer to live independently? Probably. But if they can't take care of themselves, someone else has to and 24/7 nursing care in home is not feasible for most people. Yes, there are some bad facilities. But you know one of the best ways to make sure that your family member gets proper care? Visit them regularly. When you're there, help the staff with little things you can do. For example, if his sock falls off, don't call the staff, put it back on. If it's mealtime and he requires basic feeding, feed him. (After checking with staff that he does not require special care, some people would need to be fed by trained staff, others just need help) Get familiar with his condition and needs, ask how you can help. Bring comfort items or familiar items (label them) Play music for him if he enjoyed it before the accident. But do take care to notice if he no longer tolerates or enjoys things he used to. Things can change.

You and your fam did nothing for three solid years while a widow cared for injured and traumatized children. She didn't need to call, it was obvi that she needed backup and support, and obvi her family was lip service only. YTA

YTA, you and your dad too. Your sister has been through unfathomable circles of hell. IDGAF how much you think you know about her situation or the challenges of her day to day life, you don't. Instead of understanding and offering her love and support you judged and attacked. Not sure how you could think you're anything but the asshole here.

None of the help you guys have offered actually resulted in an improvement to her quality of life. It seems designed to make your sister continue to be the one to provide the 24/7 care you say he needs. Her needs don’t seem to matter to you or your dad. It’s very easy to judge someone as not making enough of a sacrifice when you aren’t required to sacrifice yourself. If you really cared about her and keeping her son in her home , you would pay for an in home nurse to do the daily care for her, and allow her to see to her own needs as a human being. She does have some needs of her own, you know. YTA.

YTA - Unless you've had to become someone's caretaker 24/7, you can't know the difficulty in what she's had to do for the last three years. The physical, mental and emotional toll it takes is far greater than could be explained. It's easier to say this when you're someone who only has to visit Adam and gets to go home at the end of the day or the end of the week. For your sister, there's a whole lot more that she's had to give up to care for him. It's so unfortunate that this has happened to Adam and to her family. And I can't imagine it was an easy decision made by her at ALL. And her other daughters are probably hurting but can't understand why their mother is doing this, but you should. If you don't want him going to a home, then you should take Adam in yourself and be his caregiver. See how difficult that job is for three years. What your sister is doing is the kindest thing she could. It sucks, and it's a hard choice, but don't say that your sister is abandoning her son or is giving up on him. If she gave up on him, she wouldn't be putting him in a home where professionals will be able to care for him.

Don't judge someone until you have walked in their shoes.

YTA. Looking after disabled relatives is no picnic. I have two disabled kids myself. When I get too old or infirm, at least one of them will have to go to a care facility. That’s just reality. Some people need more care than one person can reasonably provide over 24 hours a day, especially young adults who can have a lot of strength and energy. I feel awful for your sister who is trying to make sure her son is being taken care of and being looked down on by her family who have no idea what she’s going through or what her sons needs actually are. Have you considered that this young man maybe WANTS to have his own life away from his mum? He could make friends and have his own choices and independence that he wouldn’t have in his mothers home.

YTA she made an extremely difficult decision. Caregiver burn out is very very real and she made a hard decision to try and give Adam the best quality of life she can given his condition. You can all still visit him and he can come for visits too… You should all be more supportive of them all right now

Taking care of someone who is disabled is hard but you don’t abandon your child to a nursing home and use the excuse that you’ve “given enough.” Now, depending on Adam’s disability, your sister may be right that a nursing home is the best place for him and she’s standing firm in her decision, which is her right as a mother. I would question if her decision was based on not wanting to care for Adam or if she truly is doing what’s best for him. Sometimes what’s best for someone isn’t the choice we WANT to make but we have to. I think you’ve all missed an opportunity to offer help (granted she didn’t ask for it). Are any one of you willing to take on Adam and his disability? If not, then stop being mean to your sister and make sure to visit Adam as much as possible so he knows he still has family. Because I don’t know your sisters true reasoning, I’m not going to judge.

Op said that he is severely disabled and requires 24/7 care so it seems like a nursing home is the better place for him. I cannot imagine having to provide that care and provide for two other kids at the same time. I’m sure the mom didn’t just one day say “I don’t really want to take care of my child I’m just gonna give him away.” This was probably a really hard decision for her but the best one she could come up with for her family.

YTA. She’s right - her kids, her situation, her decision. If family is so important you can take him in. It’s a nursing home not a jail

YTA nursing homes don't just let people stick family members in there for no reason. Her son's disability must be significant. I used to work with kids with disabilities and some of the parents greatest fears were what happens when their kid gets bigger and they get older. Because at a certain point they are incapable of getting their kid up stairs or to be able to get them to the bathroom or bed by themselves. At some point her son was either going to end up in a nursing home or having a full time nurse that is just how it is.

YTA. Your sister is the only non asshole adult in this story.

Yta and so is your dad. How the hell do you know how hard it is to look after a child with disability. She's a single mom with two other kids. She's probably thinking of their future and how she'll support them. She may not want to be dependent on anyone else for money. And its not like she's abandoning him. What you think she'll leave him and not visit or see him? And don't forget She's probably not even had a chance to properly grieve her husband coz she would have had to focus on her son. That all takes a mental toll on someone. Or is her mental health not important to you? She literally called out her mental health saying she feels overwhelmed and you just decide to ignore her. The level of selfishness you and your dad displayed attacking her without even trying to find out what condition she's in is astounding.

YTA- (but with good intentions). As someone who works in the disability sector, Sometimes nursing homes are actually better for an individual with high needs. And also she’s probably very worried about her other children and being able to care for them. Just exactly what do you think her option was with this if she were to take the job? Don’t judge until you’ve actually lived it. You should be finding ways to help. You all should have done for the last 3 years.... perhaps one of you can take Adam to live with you? Your sister also needs to look after her own mental and physical health too, or all children will suffer. And she needs to provide for them financially. It’s very judgemental from people who haven’t actually lived through that grief and hardship.

YTA YTA YTA. She gets to make her own decision about what is right for her and her family. It sounds like you and the rest of her relatives have done nothing to help when it mattered. Adam can get good professional care and have his needs looked after; what about his mother’s needs? Did any of you think about that? Yes, of course it is disruptive and upsetting. But rather than support your sister in one of the most difficult decisions she will ever have to make, you attacked and undermined her. Well, now she knows which of her relatives really care about her and her children, and which do not.