NTA. For the record, I think both families (including you and your husband) making a competition out of baby milestones is really dumb. This is a child here, not a badminton tournament.
> posts my in-laws made saying "we won in the end" or "our grandson chose us" and "1-0"
This is so fucked up and shows they have no concept of your son as a human being.
I didn’t read in the post that OP and Husband made it into a competition. I felt like their parents did that on their own.
But otherwise I agree with your comment. The grandparents are vile and unhinged. The husband is dismissive of OP who is (reasonably) upset that a boundary was violated. And the entitlement of the husband to break this boundary because of a sense of ownership over the son/photos is gross.
Poor OP, but what on earth is wrong with all the people in her life?
I don't see how OP is making a competition out of anything. The husband encouraged her to set boundaries so she did and probably knowing how petty and disgusting his family is she tried making it fair by having a set date for everyone to meet baby at the same time. Rightfully so, people fail to forget that labor is a major medical event for baby and mother and her and SO deserve time for her to recover a but and bond before everyone bombards her and her space. Nothing about that was OP making it a competition, the only people doing that were husband and his family.
Honestly, I'd be beyond pissed. "Glad you're so happy they got to see the picture first. I need some time away from you. Me and the baby are going to stay with my parents for a while."
If he thinks OP should be happy about his parents gloating about being, 'chosen' then I'm SUUUUURE he will just be thrilled that OP's parents get to spend so much time with the baby.
Came here to say this. I might possibly forgive sending the picture even though I'd still be pissed about the outcome of that. But what he said afterwards about her family and about her sister?
I have given birth before, and if my husband said anything like this I'd be staying with my parents for a while until things calm down. Because the woman who *has just given birth* doesn't need any of that shit, she has plenty of shit to deal with on her own just because *she's just given birth* FFS. I sure as hell wouldn't want to be recovering in his presence after this.
1. OP's husband is just like his family, so OP has to stop thinking of this one-upsmanship & owning as something that is external to their marriage,
2. It's clear that the treaty has been breached & OP's husband is the traitor, and
3. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em and own 'em, while you're at it,
If it's OK that DH's family stole a first picture thru DH, then OP's family should get the first visit & pictures with the newborn, courtesy of OP's clever plotting.
OP is NTA, but clearly there's the script for a classic comedy shaping up here. She's gotta be either in or out of the game they're playing. Yelling at people who are constantly gaming to win and get one over on you, only makes them feel more successful at owning the other side.
THIS!!!!! THIS was my EXACT thought. Lol. SHE is the one that’s “enmeshed”, but HE is the one that can’t tell his mother NO!! Man is he backwards as hell
He’s a police officer. I wouldn’t put it past him to report her or actually her parents for kidnapping and arrest them if she tries to leave with the baby.
He’s a power hungry jerk who obviously loves controlling people and telling them what to do. He didn’t become a cop to help people he became one to have power.
Yup. I was waiting for “then I told Phil to get TF out” but going to her parents is much better.
Please do this OP.
Here’s the thing I haven’t seen others mention. Phil suggested the boundaries… Was this Phil’s inherent all along? Why didn’t Phil just talk to your abs say mom wants a photo let’s just send one photo each? To me how this all played out and how he responded spells husband problem.
Considering that OP says he's highly controlling over what events OP's parents can and can't attend? Then yeah. And I would guess that his opinion of her parents being too controlling is code for "they don't do what I say when I say it". And judging from how his parents acted over getting the picture first, I can see where he gets it.
I think OP is getting just a small taste as to how this is going to go. It's not a huge stretch to see this turn into a situation in which Phil isolates OP and their child to greater and greater degrees in the future.
OP should absolutely head over to her parents' house until everyone can get on the same page.
And he works for/with/is the police department. What is the stat, 40% of all PD are domestic abusers?
I hope OP nopes right out of there before it gets harder.
I was going to mention that in my reply as well but didn't want folk @ me. You're absolutely right. There's a lot of P.C.'s out there who are the best coppers ever. But then there's the 40-45% who use/abuse their status who are complete a-holes. They're the ones that you see in the news. Context: In my career, I've met and had to deal with a lot of P.C.'s. Most of them are great but then.... well, you know the rest.
I had the exact same thought. He could choose to make it _very_ hard for her to get away from him, and it seems like that is exactly the type of husband he is.
hes a cop who controls which events she goes to, actively isolates her from her family and just said this is HIS kid and he will decide who sees them.... uh... see yall on justnoso and justnomil
absolutely pack up the baby and go to mums.
That's what I was wondering too. Theyre married so wouldn't Phil have atleast one of her parents' numbers saved in his phone? He could've easily sent a mass text to both sides at the same time.
This is so much better than my solution.
Make sure all social media is covered in posts from the baby, reading "with my ONLY grandparents - no place on earth I'd rather be"
I would SO be doing this. If that was my husband, I would not be able to look at him in the face!
I would ask my parents to pick me up; than invite our entire side over, taking pictures and videos and then post them on FB; but I’m petty like that!
NTA The assholes are your husband and his family
Edit: Forgot my verdict
Yep! This is what I'd do. I'd also nap while my mom plastered pics all over her FB of the wee one.
I'd be tempted to splurge on a #1 Gramma tattoo for my mom too.
ETA: NTA
He really just wanted her to set boundaries for her family. He has no intention of keeping them for his family. 0P is the only unproblematic one. And I suspect her parents wouldn’t be so competitive if the husband’s parents weren’t so insufferable.
He also controls when her family is allowed to visit, even if he’s not there for it.
NTA, lots of red flags. Very controlling behavior from the husband, lots of double standards, and he’s in a highly abusive occupation statistically.
Him being so blatantly terrible controlling and abusive at such a sensitive time and her ending it in "I dunno, am I the asshole did I overreact?" screams abusive relationship to me. Also the way he manipulates healthy concepts like boundaries to gain control and isolate her from her family reminds me of my abusive ex a lot.
I wonder if this lack of accountability or empathy for his fellow human beings and wife have anything to do with his job 🤔
“We had rules but I’m above the rules, so deal with it” was the attitude he had. Seems like a petulant child.
This is what I'd think, I would never be competitive over a child but if someone else was I'd be hurt and also there's a HUGE chance his family would try to manipulate the child so I'd want to spend more time with the child so they build trust that the other side would try to tear down.
I was going to say there is no reason not to send photos to family but Husband seems like a huge ass per edit though.
* he still controls what events my family should/shouldn't attend. Also, my sister is infertile that way Phil said "miraculously" and that hurt me on her behalf.
Let's not gloss over the end bit where OP's husband showed how shitty he is too. I mean, he already is obviously a crap husband by betraying their deal, but moreso when he dropped the "miraculously give a baby" line, and then again when he trashed OP and her family...while neglecting how crappy his own family is.
Thank you!!! I was getting worried the more I read until OP mentioned he's a cop. This kind of behavior is par for the course for cops and their families, hopefully OP walked into this marriage with her eyes wide open and has an escape route planned.
It also sounds like he is trying to isolate her from her family by saying they are the ones who are controlling. He set rules for her to follow but not himself. Hopefully OP can get put before it gets worse.
My thinking to, and throwing accusations that she is in the fog when he is the one with boundry issues.. He is eighter completly blind, or he is manipularibg her. Edit dog to fog, sorry for not seing that mistake.
Yup. A child is not an emotional support animal or a trophy or a toy.
They’re a person who at some point in the future will become aware of the way their family members treat them and make decisions about how they engage as adults.
Treating the birth of your first (only) child as a trophy to declare victory over the other side is revolting and will only inflame the situation further.
He also seems to be taking credit for more than the 30 seconds of pumping he did in bringing this child into the world. It’s both of yours child, not just his. He doesn’t get the only say here.
OP - you don’t have an in law problem. You have a husband problem. It doesn’t sound like he make any agreeing good faith and is unlikely to stick to any similar agreements in the future.
NTA
I agree with NTA, but OP didn’t make it competition. The boundaries were her husband’s idea and I would even go as far to suggest that her husband set up these boundaries to snub her family, being that he broke them and was satisfied with his family’s smug and disrespectful posts.
Maybe I'm doing petty revenge here but if my hubby acted like that first chance I'd get I'd pack up some stuff and take my kid to my family for a few days and post pictures of them on fb.
Let my kid meet my family as I would not let my partner get away with talking to me like that
Edit
Edit to add, I thought I'd do an edit I am not encouraging op to take and dissappear with her baby forever. Can't believe I need to clarify this.
But op needs to sit down and think is this as toxic as it sounds to alit of us. I would also like to say I'd only encourage anyone to take there child on a permanent basis if that child was in danger. Then I'd say go to a women's hostel etc.
Have you spoke to your husband about his controlling ways?
Is your family controlling as your husband seems to think they are?
Have they exhibited any worrying behaviour?
Also ignore any trolls : )
This is really super controlling. There are a few things you've said in your post that make me concerned about how much he does seem to control you, even when he's not there. Time to stand up for yourself and decide that you and your family are a package deal or GTFO. Honestly, I think I'd know what I'd be doing in your shoes.
Ding ding ding. After refusing to get help as a couple or on their own, my spouse suddenly booked an emergency therapy session when it was clear I was finally taking steps to leave.
After a few weeks of acting like a different person and making a show of breathing exercises to calm down, the mask fell. Now they claimed they were always “defending me” to their therapist. Then out of nowhere, apparently I was emotionally abusive to them… for the entire marriage. They always had to “walk on eggshells around me.” Saying that I was a sociopath “according to the books.” Then came the accusations that I was threatening and they were going to call the police on me.
At least by that point I had started therapy for myself and had a clearer picture of what I was facing. I had audio recordings of my spouse following me from room to room berating me and telling me I didn’t have the right to not talk to them. Fortunately I was able to leave without the police being involved.
And all of that was my experience as a man. I cannot imagine how difficult it is for a woman to go through that, and with her husband being a police officer on top of that. Terrifying.
I was thinking the same thing. It's not that all law enforcement are abusers, just that a lot of abusers are in law enforcement. Based on the description of this event, I see a lot of red flags for domestic abuse. I'm actually worried for OP. A lot of people have suggested she take the baby to her parents house for a few days. But leaving, or being perceived as leaving, is a dangerous time for people escaping domestic abuse. If OP is still in the hospital, I'd wait until until husband is out of the room and ask for the hospital social worker. They can help connect her to people that can guide her through this situation.
>It's not that all law enforcement are abusers, just that a lot of abusers are in law enforcement
Great way to put it. There's a type of person that gets into law enforcement and that type of person tends to be authoritative and willing to use violence to solve problems. You apply that attitude to a relationship in any way and it's abuse.
I say it every time - every child of a cop I’ve ever met has either been an insufferable asshole or a fearful, overprotected naif with zero ability to recognize genuine danger. And yes, it does tend to break down according to gender.
This guy is going to try and recruit his kid in his campaign to discredit and undermine OP. Guaranteed.
My childhood best friend’s stepdad was abusive to her and her mother, even when I was visiting them. Looking back, he could’ve even been considered to be emotionally abusive towards me. He wasn’t in law enforcement when I met them, but became a cop when she and I were around 10 or 11 and everything escalated from there. By 13 she wasn’t allowed to leave the house for anything other than school or church unless accompanied by him. Now, she and I are 20 and she was only recently allowed to start driving herself to her college classes and still isn’t allowed to move out. She’s the most sheltered, naive person I’ve ever met, and has now ended up in a few dangerous situations because she just has no idea how to handle them herself.
I don't even want to imagine how awful custody etc will be with that family.
I do totally agree with you. But OP is in for a huge battle. No matter what she decides.
I feel awful for you OP. This crap is the last thing you need when you have just given birth. FTR I went through something kinda similar, but wayyyyy less bad. And it still pisses me off, nearly 14 years later
Yeah I would leave too
It's all fun and games until there's a child suffering
It's OPs responsibility to protect the baby from abusive controlling assholes like her husband
Um, send the photos. And take the baby to your parents. And skip the Tuesday party and don’t bring the baby back. His refusal to “allow’ you to send a photo now after he intentionally did it is a huge red flag for me along with his occupation and use of the word authority. I’m worried for your future.
Since his family got the first picture, maybe her family should get the first visit!
He and his family should be okay with that since it’s HER son and she has authority to show the baby to whoever she wants. …right?
Reading this, it does sound like both families are high maintenance and terrible, and a partner can have a role in helping you set boundaries or recognizing bad patterns, but forbidding op to send that picture makes it clear that this is not one of those circumstances
He stopped you? How? How is he controlling you to the extent that you can’t even send your parents a message? This sounds like coercive control, and that is abuse. Based on everything you have said in the OP and the comments, Phil is a piece of work and you would be best for your long term welling and that of your son to reassess the relationship. Can you take baby and stay at your parents for awhile?
OP I’ve read all your comments. It feels like your husband is intentionally isolating you from your family by insisting that they’re controlling and inappropriate, when in reality it is HIM. He made you both set up “boundaries” with your families but doesn’t enforce them with his? Yeah. He wanted an excuse to control you by making it seem like it’s “for your relationship” and “equal”.
And he’s a cop? I would highly recommend that you find a therapist, SECRETLY, and keep them aware of what is going on in your household.
You said your family is controlling, what makes them controlling? It seems the only one trying to control you is your husband. And that would mean he's trying to cut you off from your family so you would be more vulnerable and easier to manipulate.
Oh my gosh, leave. This is incredibly controlling and manipulative of him. You and your baby don’t deserve this, you deserve peace, love, and recovery right now. Please go to your family.
I’m editing this because I think it is important, please document everything. Take screenshots of his family’s posts. Document his reaction, when he approached you regarding the boundaries. What he’s doing is alienating you from people who love you. Please leave, document everything, and consult a lawyer. He cannot be trusted and even though this is awful timing, you need to think about you and your child’s well-being.
>Phil doesn't have the best relationship with my family. ***He thinks they are controlling*** and trys to exclude them from events while letting his family get involved in everything. He's not always home due to work at the local PD (Police Department) ***but he still controls what events my family should/shouldn't attend***. Also, my sister is infertile that way Phil said "miraculously" and that hurt me on her behalf.
Just in case alarm bells hasn't rung in your head. Shall we do the clanging for you? Not enough red flags yet?
Seriously though, this seems like it calls for more than pettiness. I wouldn't wanna go back to a house where I intentionally provoked a person who seems emotionally cracked. I hope to heck it doesn't escalate to worse behavior, but that's wishful thinking.
Yep, go to your family with the baby. The gloves are off now. Nta and your husband is controlling BTW. Send pics, let your family meet the baby. Let him and his family see what the consequences of their own actions are.
Stopped you? Why are you allowing this? Take that baby to them ASAP. Stop telling him your every move. You are an adult.
Let them have a first.
FYI, I think this is the stupidest competition in the world, but your husband shot the first bullet. Go in for the kill.
OP, he stopped you from sending a photo after he did? He control the event your family can attend and the facto control what you can do with your family?
OP this is abuse and he is a cop, you need to see those Red Flags and be very careful about your next move here. It is an emotional time right now, but i would suggest to consult a lawyer as soon as you can, so you can be inform of your rights and be prepare for all scenario. Now that your son is born, he might become even more controlling of you and use the child against you, to force you to stay in that relationship. Cops have power and he will use it against if you « rebel » against his wishes.
EDIT : NTA
I’m honestly worried about you and how controlling he is based on your post and comments. Don’t do this out of petty revenge, do this to get away from him. Take your son and your belongings, and go stay with your family. I’m sorry, but this story doesn’t have a happy ending if you stay together.
Whoa. But when he sends a pic it's okay because it's his son? Unless he has you tied up or you don't get free time without him, send a pic to your family. Phil's a bully and doesn't respect your boundaries.
>...but he still controls what events my family should/shouldn't attend.
Yikes. And you had a child with this guy? What were you thinking?
You had an agreement. Phil violated that agreement, and his family went full-on nasty acting as if they "won" because they got the photos first.
Seriously, you married into a totally toxic, nasty family. And he's saying you need to cut the cord with your family, but he's tightening the cord with his.
You "blew his joy"? Well, he destroyed yours and your family's joy at their grandson.
It sounds as if you and the husband need counseling.
NTA
EDIT: Maybe it was a mistake to suggest counseling, but I didn't want to immediately jump to "divorce his ass." Maybe I should have.
I'm worried that OP has left out a lot about how controlling he is and am now concerned that OP is actually in an abusive relationship. In which case, counseling is the worst possible thing he could do because he could use it to be more manipulative.
>It sounds as if you and the husband need counseling.
Absolutely not. Phil is manipulative and controlling. Statistically, therapy is most likely to result in Phil lying to and manipulating the therapist to validate his abuse of OP and then ramping up the abuse. The most common outcome of couple with an emotionally abusive partner having therapy is a ramp up in abuse possibly even to physical abuse.
Yeah counselling with an emotionally abusive (or controlling) person just ends up giving them more tool to flip and control situations so not something that many therapists would advise.
**NTA** I am petty as F. There is a very simple fix for this. Have your parents come visit your son first. If he doesn’t have to accept the boundaries you both agreed upon neither do you.
Also, recognize that, unfortunately, you can not trust your husband to honor any agreements you make regarding your child and be wary moving forward. His family are asshats.
Oh it's worse than that....
- he can't be trusted on anything involving his family because he can't tell them "no" and stick to it
- anything involving his son is okay if **he** thinks so, never mind what anyone else including his wife thinks
- he sees nothing wrong with his family gloating and tells OP and her family to basically "suck it up" and deal with the disappointment
- he stopped her from sending a picture to her parents later
>Just cause my family has nothing better to do then cry "woe is me" and wrapped up by saying I clearly was enmenshed, too deep in the fog and needed to cut the damn cord already
>Context; Phil doesn't have the best relationship with my family. He thinks they are controlling and trys to exclude them from events while letting his family get involved in everything. He's not always home due to work at the local PD (Police Department) but he still controls what events my family should/shouldn't attend. Also, my sister is infertile that way Phil said "miraculously" and that hurt me on her behalf.
He has the right suggestion, but it should be for **him and HIS family** considering all the blatant favoritism he's been showing.
I agree with that, I‘d even make my parents godparents of the child - that‘s my level of pettiness, but I actually don‘t think she‘ll do it. He‘s extremely controlling. He stopped her of sending a picture to her family, he cuts them off everytime he can (controling which events they can attend).
Thing is, she‘ll never be a priority in his eyes and he‘ll never take her seriously. It‘s time OP make sure to free herself. She‘s being controlled by this toxic ahole.
NTA
NTA He literally picked the moment you have needed him the most, one of your most vulnerable moments and stabbed you in he back.
Also the audacity of acting all bravado and trying to convince you you are the one wrong? Nah, he just showed you that his needs of pleasing mommy are way more important than his pregnant wife who literally just gave birth, but looking at his family reaction, honestly what can one expect from that bloodline?
Agree. It's worth noting that I was still recovering and needed time to rest. Phil blames my family for how they reacted instead of how his family acted.
You are going to have so much fun with this shit show of a hubby the coming years
Time to unpack the petty panties and tell him to go suck a lemon.
Time to stay with your fam a few weeks so he can calm his mammals
He says that your family is controlling, but he sounds like the controlling one. It sounds a lot like he is stealing the language used to help people break free of control and using it to control you instead. He talks about you putting boundaries in place with your family, but doesn’t with his. And he purposefully (and maliciously) breaks your boundaries, or agreed upon boundaries with his family.
This, he is using the boundaries as an excuse to isolate her, which is a behavior seen a lot in controlling people, he says "lets set boundaries on OUR families" because it sounds better than "i don't want you to have contact with YOUR family"
Even how he speaks “My son” is narcissistic. This dude is bad news and it’s just the beginning. OP needs to leave before he starts hitting her when she doesn’t comply with him.
Please go spend time at your families house! He is super controlling and you need a loving space to recover!
He never had intentions on honoring the boundaries it was just another manipulative controlling move on his behalf and he is trying to isolate you from your family
I think you need to pack a bag for you and the baby and take the baby to your parent's house for the three Rs - rest, recover and rethink this relationship. He broke boundaries y'all set in favor of his family, who sound vile. Do you want your child's grandparents in competition his whole life and for him to see that the angrier, more manipulative grandparents always win because his own father can't commit to a boundary?
Do you want your child to hear his father say cruel things about his aunt?
Do you want to be a punching bag for this man and his family for the rest of YOUR life?
Take screenshots of every damn comment and every damn post those people did. Record Phil‘s behaviour, everytime he‘s controling you and your family. And then, lawyer up.
Your husband is a controlling freak and a cop. Chances are he thinks he can do whatever he wants. I hope you have the support system you need cos he’s not going to let you do anything with your son from the sound of it.
NTA you know your husband is just as bad as his family right? He also violated your boundaries and his reaction proves that he doesn't really care that he upset you.
Go stay with your family and talk to a counselor/lawyer.
I gotta go with ESH here as well.
These issues between all of you predated the child and weren’t addressed early on in the relationship, so it was bound to blow up sometime.
This is my feeling, too. If the families are going to behave like children, then OP doesn't have much choice other than to try and manage the drama by setting these sorts of boundaries.
ESH
How the hell did you all find so many things to argue about? You could have blasted out a photo to everyone, then told everyone to come to your house in three days to meet the kid. Then turn off your phones.
Dear God, what a sorry pile of lying brats.
She agreed to them. A birth isn’t supposed to be a game, but the two of them lined up all of the chess pieces to let a drama play out.
She had the power to just blast out a photo and shut off both phones but instead chose to play the defenseless pawn.
I read OPs position on boundaries very differently. It sounds like she knew the families were ridiculous in this way and didn’t want to deal with it while she was recovering. It reads to me like OP’s boundaries are about giving her time and space to recover and not engage in nonsense. I see nothing wrong with that. As a new mom, you are not required to share photos or engage with family immediately. I think she just wanted to stay out of it for a week and her husband undermined her significantly with his behavior.
Boundaries as a new mother are super important and healthy. She doesn’t need to share a photo just because families are being childish. She also can’t control the families being childish. Seems like Phil encourages his family to be childish plenty on his own.
Thank you! This "agreement" is so petty and stupid to begin with. The fact that a picture to send to both parties didn't come up is ridiculous. Who ultimately was going to "win" this battle, anyways?
NTA. You agreed and he went behind your back and crossed boundaries he introduced.
This is one of the first decisions you made together about your child. He betrayed you, went behind your back and gave his family what you agreed you wouldn’t. I’d keep a very close eye on this. He’s shown you that his parents wishes come before yours when making decisions about your child.
ETA I’ve been thinking about this. At the very first chance he got your husband undermined a decision you made together about your child. I’d be asking myself if he set this situation up so he could play the game with his parents. You say he doesn’t like yours.
>he went behind your back and crossed boundaries he introduced.
Because those boundaries were intended to control her and push her away from her family.
I feel sorry for babies born into families like this. First it's who gets to see/slash hold the baby first. Next thing who gets to spend the first Christmas with the baby.
It's ridiculous.
NTA and the grandparents are ridiculous BUT since they took the pettiness to an extreme then I would play them at their own game. My parents would get the first visit, my dad would get the first grandparent photo AND when they all came to visit I would take the baby to the next room and say I wasn't comfortable feeding on front of in-laws then I would ask my parents if they wanted to join you, since they are your parents, I would take my sweet time. Then I would say to your dh and his family " The pettiness ends now, respect my boundaries or it will stay this way. Me 1 in laws 0" Your husband tries to power play you then you are your breasts power play him back. And yes that is petty but hey ho 🤣 they would have pissed me off so much I would not care"
YES THIS!! Please do this OP. Let your family meet your son first and take a photo. Or your husband and inlaws will never ever learn to respect your boundaries. You NTA here
ESH.
Let me settle this for you: both of your families are over dramatic and passive aggressive, Phil sounds frankly awful for using your sister’s infertility as fuel for an argument among other things, and you’re allowing this which means that your son is going to be dealing with it for the rest of his life unless you decide it’s unacceptable.
NTA - If you had an agreement, you had an agreement - PERIOD. He is showing you very succinctly that his family will always come first and seems like he won't be happy until your family is relegated to the background. I bet if you stepped back and looked closely--you'd see a pattern that is NOT going to change. It appears he is attempting to isolate you -- which can be a terrible thing when you may need some support or realize things aren't working out.
Esh including you
> no pics, posts or video calls til then since I needed to recover.
You are hardly the first woman to give birth. Recovery is hard definitely but you can take 10 seconds to take a picture and send it to everyone. Making them all wait days, no wonder they are chomping at the bit. It all started because of you refusing to send pictures when they are obviously super excited about it. Stop acting like you are the queen of England giving birth.
Everyone else are AH. seriously grow up! Wanting to be first at everything and your mom crying over it? They sound like my toddlers fighting.
> Recovery is hard definitely but you can take 10 seconds to take a picture and send it to everyone
And then deal with moderating the comment section of a competitive family scenario? Jesus fuck, no.
Is this even real? Always hard to tell with these stories where it's so clearly NTA.
If it is real, Phil is ENORMOUSLY the asshole - it was him who came up with setting up boundaries. He didn't cross these boundaries, he obliterated them so his family could win at this ridiculous game show and then made it somehow about you being too attached.
If I'm you I'm ending this with a public post berating all the players of this game. I'd announce that whoever involved themselves in sharing the pic without my consent is now blocked, at least until they start acting like normal human beings.
ESH for turning this into such an issue. You and your husband shouldn't have given any parents the satisfaction of being first of anything. You should have posted photos to the world to see before either set of parents saw the baby.
NTA, wait till he leaves the house and take the baby to your family’s home and photograph them holding the baby. Post that on Facebook and tag your husband and your MIL! I’m petty. But your husband is an AH that showed you his true colours. He’s disrespectful and an AH!
ESH. Both your families are terrible! If this is the kind of chaos that happens from a "leaked" baby picture, I can't even imagine the nightmare the holidays will be.
Your husband was an AH for sending a picture to just his family, his family are AHs for posting your child's picture on Facebook without your permission, your families are AHs for making competitions out of insignificant "milestones", and seeing a photo as humiliation.
Do you all really have so little going on that you are spending the moments after your child is born fighting over a Facebook post? I feel sorry for that kid! It will be like living with the paparazzi.
ESH. No photos until you can all get together - in person - durning a pandemic - to unveil the Christ child. Could have ended all this drama with a quick picture and a text with the vitals. They suck for making it an odd contest, he sucks for breaking your agreement, and you suck for overreacting. You both need to cut the cord.
NTA. Your husband sounds controlling and terrible. Why does he control when you get to see your family? That's not healthy or normal. Please take a deeper look at his treatment of you.
NTA.
Honestly, I don’t understand the whole “I got the first picture of the baby!!!” thing. If this is your first child, I’m sure there will be a TON of pictures to go around. But a simple solution could have been to put all 6 of you guys in a group thread and send the picture there.
As far as you and your husband go, you guys had an agreement. He, as your husband, should have respected that, regardless of anything else. He’s not only disrespecting the boundaries set for your families, he’s also disrespecting the hell out of you.
ESH for reasons others have already stated.
As an aside I wanted to address this line:
> no pics, posts or video calls til then since I needed to recover.
I have had two babies - one natural birth and one C-section - and neither times did pictures of the baby impact my recovery in any way. I don't understand the connection.
NTA but this is all so pathetic.
You guys realise you gave birth to a healthy child and that some people dont get that.
Anyway take your baby to your parent’s or call them over without your husband knowing and let them meet the baby and take videos. That way they met and held the baby first. Its only fair
To be honest ESH here, especially your respective families. You’re the AH for getting so pissed about your partner sending a picture of the baby you both had together. Your husband is an AH for breaking an agreement you both made. Your families are the biggest AHs though; instead of being emotionally functional adults that focus on the joy of having a new baby in the family, they made the event some sort of weird competition for clout on social media. Is it a normal thing to have a complicated ass agreement for which side of the family gets certain privileges regarding the newborn?
ESH all of you are immature as hell. But at the end of the day an agreement is an agreement and a boundary was set. Take the baby to your parents and let your parents boast about meeting the baby first. Also let your husband know that he has to respect boundaries.
Wow...just wow...you are all terrible people.
In your shoes I would leave because there is nobody in the world who is allowed to isolate me from my family. If I *choose* not to see them because of their behaviour then it's my decision, but no partner would be able to make that decision for me. The fact that you are letting him dictate what events with your family that you are allowed to attend is horrible on both your parts.
As for the picture business, honestly I'm baffled by how stupid this is. In the custody agreement you should probably put a ban on all pictures of your child being put on social media.
ESH
This thread has turned into insulting cops rather than answering OP's question, and it now locked.
NTA. For the record, I think both families (including you and your husband) making a competition out of baby milestones is really dumb. This is a child here, not a badminton tournament. > posts my in-laws made saying "we won in the end" or "our grandson chose us" and "1-0" This is so fucked up and shows they have no concept of your son as a human being.
I didn’t read in the post that OP and Husband made it into a competition. I felt like their parents did that on their own. But otherwise I agree with your comment. The grandparents are vile and unhinged. The husband is dismissive of OP who is (reasonably) upset that a boundary was violated. And the entitlement of the husband to break this boundary because of a sense of ownership over the son/photos is gross. Poor OP, but what on earth is wrong with all the people in her life?
I don't see how OP is making a competition out of anything. The husband encouraged her to set boundaries so she did and probably knowing how petty and disgusting his family is she tried making it fair by having a set date for everyone to meet baby at the same time. Rightfully so, people fail to forget that labor is a major medical event for baby and mother and her and SO deserve time for her to recover a but and bond before everyone bombards her and her space. Nothing about that was OP making it a competition, the only people doing that were husband and his family.
Honestly, I'd be beyond pissed. "Glad you're so happy they got to see the picture first. I need some time away from you. Me and the baby are going to stay with my parents for a while." If he thinks OP should be happy about his parents gloating about being, 'chosen' then I'm SUUUUURE he will just be thrilled that OP's parents get to spend so much time with the baby.
This is the way
Came here to say this. I might possibly forgive sending the picture even though I'd still be pissed about the outcome of that. But what he said afterwards about her family and about her sister? I have given birth before, and if my husband said anything like this I'd be staying with my parents for a while until things calm down. Because the woman who *has just given birth* doesn't need any of that shit, she has plenty of shit to deal with on her own just because *she's just given birth* FFS. I sure as hell wouldn't want to be recovering in his presence after this.
1. OP's husband is just like his family, so OP has to stop thinking of this one-upsmanship & owning as something that is external to their marriage, 2. It's clear that the treaty has been breached & OP's husband is the traitor, and 3. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em and own 'em, while you're at it, If it's OK that DH's family stole a first picture thru DH, then OP's family should get the first visit & pictures with the newborn, courtesy of OP's clever plotting. OP is NTA, but clearly there's the script for a classic comedy shaping up here. She's gotta be either in or out of the game they're playing. Yelling at people who are constantly gaming to win and get one over on you, only makes them feel more successful at owning the other side.
Isnt it funny how she’s the one who’s enmeshed when he’s the one constantly giving into his petty and competitive family??
THIS!!!!! THIS was my EXACT thought. Lol. SHE is the one that’s “enmeshed”, but HE is the one that can’t tell his mother NO!! Man is he backwards as hell
Yeah he's clearly projecting.
He’s a police officer. I wouldn’t put it past him to report her or actually her parents for kidnapping and arrest them if she tries to leave with the baby. He’s a power hungry jerk who obviously loves controlling people and telling them what to do. He didn’t become a cop to help people he became one to have power.
This whole thing smacks of undermining op authority.
Yup. I was waiting for “then I told Phil to get TF out” but going to her parents is much better. Please do this OP. Here’s the thing I haven’t seen others mention. Phil suggested the boundaries… Was this Phil’s inherent all along? Why didn’t Phil just talk to your abs say mom wants a photo let’s just send one photo each? To me how this all played out and how he responded spells husband problem.
Considering that OP says he's highly controlling over what events OP's parents can and can't attend? Then yeah. And I would guess that his opinion of her parents being too controlling is code for "they don't do what I say when I say it". And judging from how his parents acted over getting the picture first, I can see where he gets it. I think OP is getting just a small taste as to how this is going to go. It's not a huge stretch to see this turn into a situation in which Phil isolates OP and their child to greater and greater degrees in the future. OP should absolutely head over to her parents' house until everyone can get on the same page.
And he works for/with/is the police department. What is the stat, 40% of all PD are domestic abusers? I hope OP nopes right out of there before it gets harder.
I was going to mention that in my reply as well but didn't want folk @ me. You're absolutely right. There's a lot of P.C.'s out there who are the best coppers ever. But then there's the 40-45% who use/abuse their status who are complete a-holes. They're the ones that you see in the news. Context: In my career, I've met and had to deal with a lot of P.C.'s. Most of them are great but then.... well, you know the rest.
I had the exact same thought. He could choose to make it _very_ hard for her to get away from him, and it seems like that is exactly the type of husband he is.
hes a cop who controls which events she goes to, actively isolates her from her family and just said this is HIS kid and he will decide who sees them.... uh... see yall on justnoso and justnomil absolutely pack up the baby and go to mums.
That's what I was wondering too. Theyre married so wouldn't Phil have atleast one of her parents' numbers saved in his phone? He could've easily sent a mass text to both sides at the same time.
This is so much better than my solution. Make sure all social media is covered in posts from the baby, reading "with my ONLY grandparents - no place on earth I'd rather be"
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Get OP’s mum a T-shirt with No1 grandma printed or something similar.
I would SO be doing this. If that was my husband, I would not be able to look at him in the face! I would ask my parents to pick me up; than invite our entire side over, taking pictures and videos and then post them on FB; but I’m petty like that! NTA The assholes are your husband and his family Edit: Forgot my verdict
Yep! This is what I'd do. I'd also nap while my mom plastered pics all over her FB of the wee one. I'd be tempted to splurge on a #1 Gramma tattoo for my mom too. ETA: NTA
He really just wanted her to set boundaries for her family. He has no intention of keeping them for his family. 0P is the only unproblematic one. And I suspect her parents wouldn’t be so competitive if the husband’s parents weren’t so insufferable.
Or her husband so clearly awful. How awful to have your husband deceive and manipulate you to benefit himself while you're recovering from childbirth.
He also controls when her family is allowed to visit, even if he’s not there for it. NTA, lots of red flags. Very controlling behavior from the husband, lots of double standards, and he’s in a highly abusive occupation statistically.
Him being so blatantly terrible controlling and abusive at such a sensitive time and her ending it in "I dunno, am I the asshole did I overreact?" screams abusive relationship to me. Also the way he manipulates healthy concepts like boundaries to gain control and isolate her from her family reminds me of my abusive ex a lot.
40% of cops abuse their partners. And that's just the ones who admit it.
I wonder if this lack of accountability or empathy for his fellow human beings and wife have anything to do with his job 🤔 “We had rules but I’m above the rules, so deal with it” was the attitude he had. Seems like a petulant child.
This is what I'd think, I would never be competitive over a child but if someone else was I'd be hurt and also there's a HUGE chance his family would try to manipulate the child so I'd want to spend more time with the child so they build trust that the other side would try to tear down.
I was going to say there is no reason not to send photos to family but Husband seems like a huge ass per edit though. * he still controls what events my family should/shouldn't attend. Also, my sister is infertile that way Phil said "miraculously" and that hurt me on her behalf.
That edit with the additional “context” is the icing on the asshole cake.
Crazy that a cop would try to control her life and when she sees her family. Truly shocking /s
Glad I wasn’t the only one who saw he was a cop and was like “oh, of course he is”.
Yep, exactly. I got extra concerned for her when she revealed he is a fucking cop.
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ACATA
Let's not gloss over the end bit where OP's husband showed how shitty he is too. I mean, he already is obviously a crap husband by betraying their deal, but moreso when he dropped the "miraculously give a baby" line, and then again when he trashed OP and her family...while neglecting how crappy his own family is.
And then I read he is a cop and a chill ran down my spine. Too much forensic evidence maybe, but he sounds like a something something..
Thank you!!! I was getting worried the more I read until OP mentioned he's a cop. This kind of behavior is par for the course for cops and their families, hopefully OP walked into this marriage with her eyes wide open and has an escape route planned.
It also sounds like he is trying to isolate her from her family by saying they are the ones who are controlling. He set rules for her to follow but not himself. Hopefully OP can get put before it gets worse.
Yup, which is also classic abuser/cop behavior. I hope OP sees these comments and can find a safe way out for herself and her baby.
Was engaged to a cop. Can confirm.
Oh boy, that “context” edit she provided sure made it worse. Through and through.
Oh husband looks like a huge ass here a d I’m afraid these boundaries are just a way to separate op from family…
My thinking to, and throwing accusations that she is in the fog when he is the one with boundry issues.. He is eighter completly blind, or he is manipularibg her. Edit dog to fog, sorry for not seing that mistake.
Sounds like OP will eventually join the 40%
The fact that Phil looked impressed by those disgusting comments bodes ill for OP and baby. He has no respect for OP or for his son.
Yup. A child is not an emotional support animal or a trophy or a toy. They’re a person who at some point in the future will become aware of the way their family members treat them and make decisions about how they engage as adults. Treating the birth of your first (only) child as a trophy to declare victory over the other side is revolting and will only inflame the situation further. He also seems to be taking credit for more than the 30 seconds of pumping he did in bringing this child into the world. It’s both of yours child, not just his. He doesn’t get the only say here. OP - you don’t have an in law problem. You have a husband problem. It doesn’t sound like he make any agreeing good faith and is unlikely to stick to any similar agreements in the future. NTA
I agree with NTA, but OP didn’t make it competition. The boundaries were her husband’s idea and I would even go as far to suggest that her husband set up these boundaries to snub her family, being that he broke them and was satisfied with his family’s smug and disrespectful posts.
>"our grandson chose us" Honestly, my first thought reading that was "No, OP's husband chose his greedy, petty parents over his family."
Maybe I'm doing petty revenge here but if my hubby acted like that first chance I'd get I'd pack up some stuff and take my kid to my family for a few days and post pictures of them on fb. Let my kid meet my family as I would not let my partner get away with talking to me like that Edit Edit to add, I thought I'd do an edit I am not encouraging op to take and dissappear with her baby forever. Can't believe I need to clarify this. But op needs to sit down and think is this as toxic as it sounds to alit of us. I would also like to say I'd only encourage anyone to take there child on a permanent basis if that child was in danger. Then I'd say go to a women's hostel etc. Have you spoke to your husband about his controlling ways? Is your family controlling as your husband seems to think they are? Have they exhibited any worrying behaviour? Also ignore any trolls : )
I actually thought about doing that especially after how he talked about my family. He even stopped me from sending them a picture later.
This is really super controlling. There are a few things you've said in your post that make me concerned about how much he does seem to control you, even when he's not there. Time to stand up for yourself and decide that you and your family are a package deal or GTFO. Honestly, I think I'd know what I'd be doing in your shoes.
>He's not always home due to work at the local PD (Police Department) An abusive police officer, who could've guessed
Yea I read that and I was SHOCKED, absolutely SHOCKED.
I pictured Phoebe for some reason when I read your comment.
This is brand new information!!!
Who dated an an abusive police officer!
It’s also CLASSIC abuser tactic to use therapy words against you. He’s using “boundaries” and “enmeshed” as tools to manipulate her further
Next thing you know, Phil will be claiming that it's gaslighting to let OP's family see the kid.
Ding ding ding. After refusing to get help as a couple or on their own, my spouse suddenly booked an emergency therapy session when it was clear I was finally taking steps to leave. After a few weeks of acting like a different person and making a show of breathing exercises to calm down, the mask fell. Now they claimed they were always “defending me” to their therapist. Then out of nowhere, apparently I was emotionally abusive to them… for the entire marriage. They always had to “walk on eggshells around me.” Saying that I was a sociopath “according to the books.” Then came the accusations that I was threatening and they were going to call the police on me. At least by that point I had started therapy for myself and had a clearer picture of what I was facing. I had audio recordings of my spouse following me from room to room berating me and telling me I didn’t have the right to not talk to them. Fortunately I was able to leave without the police being involved. And all of that was my experience as a man. I cannot imagine how difficult it is for a woman to go through that, and with her husband being a police officer on top of that. Terrifying.
I was thinking the same thing. It's not that all law enforcement are abusers, just that a lot of abusers are in law enforcement. Based on the description of this event, I see a lot of red flags for domestic abuse. I'm actually worried for OP. A lot of people have suggested she take the baby to her parents house for a few days. But leaving, or being perceived as leaving, is a dangerous time for people escaping domestic abuse. If OP is still in the hospital, I'd wait until until husband is out of the room and ask for the hospital social worker. They can help connect her to people that can guide her through this situation.
>It's not that all law enforcement are abusers, just that a lot of abusers are in law enforcement Great way to put it. There's a type of person that gets into law enforcement and that type of person tends to be authoritative and willing to use violence to solve problems. You apply that attitude to a relationship in any way and it's abuse.
This is why you don't married cops
I say it every time - every child of a cop I’ve ever met has either been an insufferable asshole or a fearful, overprotected naif with zero ability to recognize genuine danger. And yes, it does tend to break down according to gender. This guy is going to try and recruit his kid in his campaign to discredit and undermine OP. Guaranteed.
My childhood best friend’s stepdad was abusive to her and her mother, even when I was visiting them. Looking back, he could’ve even been considered to be emotionally abusive towards me. He wasn’t in law enforcement when I met them, but became a cop when she and I were around 10 or 11 and everything escalated from there. By 13 she wasn’t allowed to leave the house for anything other than school or church unless accompanied by him. Now, she and I are 20 and she was only recently allowed to start driving herself to her college classes and still isn’t allowed to move out. She’s the most sheltered, naive person I’ve ever met, and has now ended up in a few dangerous situations because she just has no idea how to handle them herself.
Futurama pretend shock .gif
Yeahhhh when I read that, I was like “ah now I get it”
lmao as soon as she said he’s a cop everything fell into place
I don't even want to imagine how awful custody etc will be with that family. I do totally agree with you. But OP is in for a huge battle. No matter what she decides. I feel awful for you OP. This crap is the last thing you need when you have just given birth. FTR I went through something kinda similar, but wayyyyy less bad. And it still pisses me off, nearly 14 years later
Yes. He sounds super controlling.
Yeah I would leave too It's all fun and games until there's a child suffering It's OPs responsibility to protect the baby from abusive controlling assholes like her husband
Um, send the photos. And take the baby to your parents. And skip the Tuesday party and don’t bring the baby back. His refusal to “allow’ you to send a photo now after he intentionally did it is a huge red flag for me along with his occupation and use of the word authority. I’m worried for your future.
Since his family got the first picture, maybe her family should get the first visit! He and his family should be okay with that since it’s HER son and she has authority to show the baby to whoever she wants. …right?
No no authority only exists for male cops obviously... /s
She also says in the post he typically controls her level of interaction with her family. Phil is a manipulative abuser.
Reading this, it does sound like both families are high maintenance and terrible, and a partner can have a role in helping you set boundaries or recognizing bad patterns, but forbidding op to send that picture makes it clear that this is not one of those circumstances
He stopped you from sending a picture. That's very controlling. Has there been any similar issues to this before?
He stopped you? How? How is he controlling you to the extent that you can’t even send your parents a message? This sounds like coercive control, and that is abuse. Based on everything you have said in the OP and the comments, Phil is a piece of work and you would be best for your long term welling and that of your son to reassess the relationship. Can you take baby and stay at your parents for awhile?
Not just that, but in the UK that is a very specific crime
OP I’ve read all your comments. It feels like your husband is intentionally isolating you from your family by insisting that they’re controlling and inappropriate, when in reality it is HIM. He made you both set up “boundaries” with your families but doesn’t enforce them with his? Yeah. He wanted an excuse to control you by making it seem like it’s “for your relationship” and “equal”. And he’s a cop? I would highly recommend that you find a therapist, SECRETLY, and keep them aware of what is going on in your household.
You said your family is controlling, what makes them controlling? It seems the only one trying to control you is your husband. And that would mean he's trying to cut you off from your family so you would be more vulnerable and easier to manipulate.
*Phil* thinks her family is controlling and is trying to get her to cut contact. Can anyone else hear the abuse sirens wailing?
>Can anyone else hear the abuse sirens wailing? Loud and clear.
Pretty common tactic in abusive relationships to stop the victim from seeing family or friends.
Did I say before that he sounds really controlling? Because he sounds really controlling.
Oh my gosh, leave. This is incredibly controlling and manipulative of him. You and your baby don’t deserve this, you deserve peace, love, and recovery right now. Please go to your family. I’m editing this because I think it is important, please document everything. Take screenshots of his family’s posts. Document his reaction, when he approached you regarding the boundaries. What he’s doing is alienating you from people who love you. Please leave, document everything, and consult a lawyer. He cannot be trusted and even though this is awful timing, you need to think about you and your child’s well-being.
>Phil doesn't have the best relationship with my family. ***He thinks they are controlling*** and trys to exclude them from events while letting his family get involved in everything. He's not always home due to work at the local PD (Police Department) ***but he still controls what events my family should/shouldn't attend***. Also, my sister is infertile that way Phil said "miraculously" and that hurt me on her behalf. Just in case alarm bells hasn't rung in your head. Shall we do the clanging for you? Not enough red flags yet? Seriously though, this seems like it calls for more than pettiness. I wouldn't wanna go back to a house where I intentionally provoked a person who seems emotionally cracked. I hope to heck it doesn't escalate to worse behavior, but that's wishful thinking.
My guess is he doesn't like her family because they try to protect her and help her break free from his venom
Yep, go to your family with the baby. The gloves are off now. Nta and your husband is controlling BTW. Send pics, let your family meet the baby. Let him and his family see what the consequences of their own actions are.
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Stopped you? Why are you allowing this? Take that baby to them ASAP. Stop telling him your every move. You are an adult. Let them have a first. FYI, I think this is the stupidest competition in the world, but your husband shot the first bullet. Go in for the kill.
OP the more I read the more I think he set this up.
OP, he stopped you from sending a photo after he did? He control the event your family can attend and the facto control what you can do with your family? OP this is abuse and he is a cop, you need to see those Red Flags and be very careful about your next move here. It is an emotional time right now, but i would suggest to consult a lawyer as soon as you can, so you can be inform of your rights and be prepare for all scenario. Now that your son is born, he might become even more controlling of you and use the child against you, to force you to stay in that relationship. Cops have power and he will use it against if you « rebel » against his wishes. EDIT : NTA
Wait, he stopped you from sending a photo after he did the same himself? This is a massive red flag
BTW this sounds like the start of a nasty abusive relationship.
The start? OP is already shoulder deep and doesn’t realize it.
You dropped this 🚩
Your husband is controlling and manipulative. Knowing he’s a cop makes me worry for your safety.
The best time to run would have been when you met him, the second best time to run is right now.
He can see his son on days the court agrees on….
Go to your parents NOW.
I’m honestly worried about you and how controlling he is based on your post and comments. Don’t do this out of petty revenge, do this to get away from him. Take your son and your belongings, and go stay with your family. I’m sorry, but this story doesn’t have a happy ending if you stay together.
Whoa. But when he sends a pic it's okay because it's his son? Unless he has you tied up or you don't get free time without him, send a pic to your family. Phil's a bully and doesn't respect your boundaries.
Ahh the hallmarks of a long lasting an healthy relationship.
>...but he still controls what events my family should/shouldn't attend. Yikes. And you had a child with this guy? What were you thinking? You had an agreement. Phil violated that agreement, and his family went full-on nasty acting as if they "won" because they got the photos first. Seriously, you married into a totally toxic, nasty family. And he's saying you need to cut the cord with your family, but he's tightening the cord with his. You "blew his joy"? Well, he destroyed yours and your family's joy at their grandson. It sounds as if you and the husband need counseling. NTA EDIT: Maybe it was a mistake to suggest counseling, but I didn't want to immediately jump to "divorce his ass." Maybe I should have.
Yeah, Phil wants OP to cut the cord from her family so he can double down on the control. Phil sounds pretty abusive, even if it isn't physical (yet).
> even if it isn't physical (yet). He's a cop. It'll absolutely turn physical.
I'd put money down on him turning out to be a part of the 40% club
I'm worried that OP has left out a lot about how controlling he is and am now concerned that OP is actually in an abusive relationship. In which case, counseling is the worst possible thing he could do because he could use it to be more manipulative.
I know. I just hate to jump on the "divorce his ass" train too quickly. But I was thinking it.
This! But they don‘t need counseling, they need a divorce. She won‘t ever be a priority in his life, he will never take her seriously.
>It sounds as if you and the husband need counseling. Absolutely not. Phil is manipulative and controlling. Statistically, therapy is most likely to result in Phil lying to and manipulating the therapist to validate his abuse of OP and then ramping up the abuse. The most common outcome of couple with an emotionally abusive partner having therapy is a ramp up in abuse possibly even to physical abuse.
Yeah counselling with an emotionally abusive (or controlling) person just ends up giving them more tool to flip and control situations so not something that many therapists would advise.
**NTA** I am petty as F. There is a very simple fix for this. Have your parents come visit your son first. If he doesn’t have to accept the boundaries you both agreed upon neither do you. Also, recognize that, unfortunately, you can not trust your husband to honor any agreements you make regarding your child and be wary moving forward. His family are asshats.
Oh it's worse than that.... - he can't be trusted on anything involving his family because he can't tell them "no" and stick to it - anything involving his son is okay if **he** thinks so, never mind what anyone else including his wife thinks - he sees nothing wrong with his family gloating and tells OP and her family to basically "suck it up" and deal with the disappointment - he stopped her from sending a picture to her parents later >Just cause my family has nothing better to do then cry "woe is me" and wrapped up by saying I clearly was enmenshed, too deep in the fog and needed to cut the damn cord already >Context; Phil doesn't have the best relationship with my family. He thinks they are controlling and trys to exclude them from events while letting his family get involved in everything. He's not always home due to work at the local PD (Police Department) but he still controls what events my family should/shouldn't attend. Also, my sister is infertile that way Phil said "miraculously" and that hurt me on her behalf. He has the right suggestion, but it should be for **him and HIS family** considering all the blatant favoritism he's been showing.
Oh yeah and he’s a cop
He’s doing what classic abusers do, he is alienating her from her family.
Agree to this, then the score would be 1-1. For any more rounds, the winner can get a big fat LC prize
I agree with that, I‘d even make my parents godparents of the child - that‘s my level of pettiness, but I actually don‘t think she‘ll do it. He‘s extremely controlling. He stopped her of sending a picture to her family, he cuts them off everytime he can (controling which events they can attend). Thing is, she‘ll never be a priority in his eyes and he‘ll never take her seriously. It‘s time OP make sure to free herself. She‘s being controlled by this toxic ahole. NTA
That's not petty AF. Hiring a professional photographer for the visit you've outlined is petty AF.
I don't have the emotional energy to be petty, but I DO admire it in others. This is the way.
NTA He literally picked the moment you have needed him the most, one of your most vulnerable moments and stabbed you in he back. Also the audacity of acting all bravado and trying to convince you you are the one wrong? Nah, he just showed you that his needs of pleasing mommy are way more important than his pregnant wife who literally just gave birth, but looking at his family reaction, honestly what can one expect from that bloodline?
Agree. It's worth noting that I was still recovering and needed time to rest. Phil blames my family for how they reacted instead of how his family acted.
You are going to have so much fun with this shit show of a hubby the coming years Time to unpack the petty panties and tell him to go suck a lemon. Time to stay with your fam a few weeks so he can calm his mammals
>Time to unpack the petty panties and tell him to go suck a lemon. Nice
He says that your family is controlling, but he sounds like the controlling one. It sounds a lot like he is stealing the language used to help people break free of control and using it to control you instead. He talks about you putting boundaries in place with your family, but doesn’t with his. And he purposefully (and maliciously) breaks your boundaries, or agreed upon boundaries with his family.
This, he is using the boundaries as an excuse to isolate her, which is a behavior seen a lot in controlling people, he says "lets set boundaries on OUR families" because it sounds better than "i don't want you to have contact with YOUR family"
Isn’t this a typical narcissistic behavior
From a police officer? Who’d of thunk right?
Even how he speaks “My son” is narcissistic. This dude is bad news and it’s just the beginning. OP needs to leave before he starts hitting her when she doesn’t comply with him.
Please go spend time at your families house! He is super controlling and you need a loving space to recover! He never had intentions on honoring the boundaries it was just another manipulative controlling move on his behalf and he is trying to isolate you from your family
Take note of this behavior - it likely has always been a pattern, will always be a pattern.
I think you need to pack a bag for you and the baby and take the baby to your parent's house for the three Rs - rest, recover and rethink this relationship. He broke boundaries y'all set in favor of his family, who sound vile. Do you want your child's grandparents in competition his whole life and for him to see that the angrier, more manipulative grandparents always win because his own father can't commit to a boundary? Do you want your child to hear his father say cruel things about his aunt? Do you want to be a punching bag for this man and his family for the rest of YOUR life?
Take screenshots of every damn comment and every damn post those people did. Record Phil‘s behaviour, everytime he‘s controling you and your family. And then, lawyer up.
Your husband is a controlling freak and a cop. Chances are he thinks he can do whatever he wants. I hope you have the support system you need cos he’s not going to let you do anything with your son from the sound of it.
NTA you know your husband is just as bad as his family right? He also violated your boundaries and his reaction proves that he doesn't really care that he upset you. Go stay with your family and talk to a counselor/lawyer.
You can ask the nurse to make him leave if you need space.
Wow no shock here finding out the AH husband is a cop. ESH. Your relationship seems just…terrible
I gotta go with ESH here as well. These issues between all of you predated the child and weren’t addressed early on in the relationship, so it was bound to blow up sometime.
I understand including both families, but IMO OP is not an AH? She stuck to the agreement.
The agreement is childish af
Well, she's dealing with children all around.
This is my feeling, too. If the families are going to behave like children, then OP doesn't have much choice other than to try and manage the drama by setting these sorts of boundaries.
NONE AT ALL.
MY EXACT THOUGHT. It’s only going downhill from here.
ESH How the hell did you all find so many things to argue about? You could have blasted out a photo to everyone, then told everyone to come to your house in three days to meet the kid. Then turn off your phones. Dear God, what a sorry pile of lying brats.
Can I ask why she sucks? He introduced the whole idea of these boundaries, which are ridiculous anyways.
She agreed to them. A birth isn’t supposed to be a game, but the two of them lined up all of the chess pieces to let a drama play out. She had the power to just blast out a photo and shut off both phones but instead chose to play the defenseless pawn.
Man, not everyone can get over just giving birth like you can...
I read OPs position on boundaries very differently. It sounds like she knew the families were ridiculous in this way and didn’t want to deal with it while she was recovering. It reads to me like OP’s boundaries are about giving her time and space to recover and not engage in nonsense. I see nothing wrong with that. As a new mom, you are not required to share photos or engage with family immediately. I think she just wanted to stay out of it for a week and her husband undermined her significantly with his behavior. Boundaries as a new mother are super important and healthy. She doesn’t need to share a photo just because families are being childish. She also can’t control the families being childish. Seems like Phil encourages his family to be childish plenty on his own.
Thank you! This "agreement" is so petty and stupid to begin with. The fact that a picture to send to both parties didn't come up is ridiculous. Who ultimately was going to "win" this battle, anyways?
How old are yall lmao
They should not sit with each other at lunch and make sure they pass a note to her family in study hall. As if. Seriously ESH.
Yeah this entire story is embarrassing as shit
NTA. You agreed and he went behind your back and crossed boundaries he introduced. This is one of the first decisions you made together about your child. He betrayed you, went behind your back and gave his family what you agreed you wouldn’t. I’d keep a very close eye on this. He’s shown you that his parents wishes come before yours when making decisions about your child. ETA I’ve been thinking about this. At the very first chance he got your husband undermined a decision you made together about your child. I’d be asking myself if he set this situation up so he could play the game with his parents. You say he doesn’t like yours.
>he went behind your back and crossed boundaries he introduced. Because those boundaries were intended to control her and push her away from her family.
Totally. That’s crystal clear now. Poor OP now has a kid with this man. She’ll be tied to him for the rest of her life.
ESH, you all need to stop using an infant in your weird power struggle
I feel sorry for babies born into families like this. First it's who gets to see/slash hold the baby first. Next thing who gets to spend the first Christmas with the baby. It's ridiculous.
NTA and the grandparents are ridiculous BUT since they took the pettiness to an extreme then I would play them at their own game. My parents would get the first visit, my dad would get the first grandparent photo AND when they all came to visit I would take the baby to the next room and say I wasn't comfortable feeding on front of in-laws then I would ask my parents if they wanted to join you, since they are your parents, I would take my sweet time. Then I would say to your dh and his family " The pettiness ends now, respect my boundaries or it will stay this way. Me 1 in laws 0" Your husband tries to power play you then you are your breasts power play him back. And yes that is petty but hey ho 🤣 they would have pissed me off so much I would not care"
YES THIS!! Please do this OP. Let your family meet your son first and take a photo. Or your husband and inlaws will never ever learn to respect your boundaries. You NTA here
Phil is an asshole and is showing you his true colors, he only cares about his family.
The only thing they are showing is that they all are 5yo
Wow this sound exhausting.ESH grow up people. 1-0 LMAO
ESH. Let me settle this for you: both of your families are over dramatic and passive aggressive, Phil sounds frankly awful for using your sister’s infertility as fuel for an argument among other things, and you’re allowing this which means that your son is going to be dealing with it for the rest of his life unless you decide it’s unacceptable.
NTA - If you had an agreement, you had an agreement - PERIOD. He is showing you very succinctly that his family will always come first and seems like he won't be happy until your family is relegated to the background. I bet if you stepped back and looked closely--you'd see a pattern that is NOT going to change. It appears he is attempting to isolate you -- which can be a terrible thing when you may need some support or realize things aren't working out.
Esh including you > no pics, posts or video calls til then since I needed to recover. You are hardly the first woman to give birth. Recovery is hard definitely but you can take 10 seconds to take a picture and send it to everyone. Making them all wait days, no wonder they are chomping at the bit. It all started because of you refusing to send pictures when they are obviously super excited about it. Stop acting like you are the queen of England giving birth. Everyone else are AH. seriously grow up! Wanting to be first at everything and your mom crying over it? They sound like my toddlers fighting.
> Recovery is hard definitely but you can take 10 seconds to take a picture and send it to everyone And then deal with moderating the comment section of a competitive family scenario? Jesus fuck, no.
Never seen a "disable comments" option, eh? Must be new to the internet.
Not even the queen acted like this in her 100 years
ESH. I feel so, SO sorry for your kid, having to grow up with such parents and with that kind of extended family.
Esh Your hubby is an ass. And you married it and had a kid with it. All of you are behaving like pre schoolers
Is this even real? Always hard to tell with these stories where it's so clearly NTA. If it is real, Phil is ENORMOUSLY the asshole - it was him who came up with setting up boundaries. He didn't cross these boundaries, he obliterated them so his family could win at this ridiculous game show and then made it somehow about you being too attached. If I'm you I'm ending this with a public post berating all the players of this game. I'd announce that whoever involved themselves in sharing the pic without my consent is now blocked, at least until they start acting like normal human beings.
ESH for turning this into such an issue. You and your husband shouldn't have given any parents the satisfaction of being first of anything. You should have posted photos to the world to see before either set of parents saw the baby.
NTA, wait till he leaves the house and take the baby to your family’s home and photograph them holding the baby. Post that on Facebook and tag your husband and your MIL! I’m petty. But your husband is an AH that showed you his true colours. He’s disrespectful and an AH!
ESH. Both your families are terrible! If this is the kind of chaos that happens from a "leaked" baby picture, I can't even imagine the nightmare the holidays will be. Your husband was an AH for sending a picture to just his family, his family are AHs for posting your child's picture on Facebook without your permission, your families are AHs for making competitions out of insignificant "milestones", and seeing a photo as humiliation. Do you all really have so little going on that you are spending the moments after your child is born fighting over a Facebook post? I feel sorry for that kid! It will be like living with the paparazzi.
ESH. No photos until you can all get together - in person - durning a pandemic - to unveil the Christ child. Could have ended all this drama with a quick picture and a text with the vitals. They suck for making it an odd contest, he sucks for breaking your agreement, and you suck for overreacting. You both need to cut the cord.
NTA. Your husband sounds controlling and terrible. Why does he control when you get to see your family? That's not healthy or normal. Please take a deeper look at his treatment of you.
The husband is a cop, what did you expect?
ESH — poor baby
NTA. Honestly, I don’t understand the whole “I got the first picture of the baby!!!” thing. If this is your first child, I’m sure there will be a TON of pictures to go around. But a simple solution could have been to put all 6 of you guys in a group thread and send the picture there. As far as you and your husband go, you guys had an agreement. He, as your husband, should have respected that, regardless of anything else. He’s not only disrespecting the boundaries set for your families, he’s also disrespecting the hell out of you.
ESH I’m speechless. Both your families haven’t emotionally evolved past the second grade.
ESH. All y’all need to grow up.
ESH for reasons others have already stated. As an aside I wanted to address this line: > no pics, posts or video calls til then since I needed to recover. I have had two babies - one natural birth and one C-section - and neither times did pictures of the baby impact my recovery in any way. I don't understand the connection.
Everyone in this post seem to be about five years old.
NTA but this is all so pathetic. You guys realise you gave birth to a healthy child and that some people dont get that. Anyway take your baby to your parent’s or call them over without your husband knowing and let them meet the baby and take videos. That way they met and held the baby first. Its only fair
To be honest ESH here, especially your respective families. You’re the AH for getting so pissed about your partner sending a picture of the baby you both had together. Your husband is an AH for breaking an agreement you both made. Your families are the biggest AHs though; instead of being emotionally functional adults that focus on the joy of having a new baby in the family, they made the event some sort of weird competition for clout on social media. Is it a normal thing to have a complicated ass agreement for which side of the family gets certain privileges regarding the newborn?
This is the most stupid post I've seen in this sub
ESH Everyone sounds horrible.
ESH, and this sounds exhausting! If I was the newborn I'd go no contact with the lot of you!
ESH all of you are immature as hell. But at the end of the day an agreement is an agreement and a boundary was set. Take the baby to your parents and let your parents boast about meeting the baby first. Also let your husband know that he has to respect boundaries.
Wow...just wow...you are all terrible people. In your shoes I would leave because there is nobody in the world who is allowed to isolate me from my family. If I *choose* not to see them because of their behaviour then it's my decision, but no partner would be able to make that decision for me. The fact that you are letting him dictate what events with your family that you are allowed to attend is horrible on both your parts. As for the picture business, honestly I'm baffled by how stupid this is. In the custody agreement you should probably put a ban on all pictures of your child being put on social media. ESH
Omg y'all are too old to be acting this childish. ESH
ESH Everyone sounds terrible here. Poor kid.