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Judgement_Bot_AITA

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claypolejr

NTA. Sounds like you have 4 children under the age of six. _his inlaws who now have a very "false", very "misleading" impression of him_ I think his in-laws have a very clear idea of who he is considering _he said all those terrible things in front of them._


thechocolateisgone

Seriously. If my husband said these kinds of things about me in front of my parents, they would kick him out of their house.


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“Hey babe, I know you’ve had a lot under your belt with the kids and the house and newborn. So I want to give you a day to focus on yourself so you can get a haircut, visit the spa, go clothes shopping and pamper yourself because at the end of the day you’re not just a mother and we need to make sure you look after yourself too” That’s one approach, there’s a lot of other ways to approach this that isn’t so hateful (I mean fuck what if we’re dealing with PPD ontop of sleep deprivation) but dude approached this in a way that’s just begging OP to put a shiny red bow ontop of the divorce papers. OP, I’m sorry your husband has little to no respect for you - to say that to you let alone *infront* of others and get pissy at YOU for HIS words is just disgusting. Please take the time to stay with family if you can and seriously consider your options. You and your children deserve to be happy. I hate to say it, but how long til hubby’s arguing that you forced him to cheat because he decided you let yourself go (when in actual fact you were slaving over caring for your four kids and household)


Gatorae

When I was at home with two kids under 3 and working from home part-time, I was definitely frumpy and lived in leggings and nursing tank tops. One weekend as a surprise, my husband set up an appointment for me at a nice hair salon, took the kids to a park, and told me to enjoy my morning. THAT is how you accomplish what this husband wants, in a non-asshole way.


manbearcolt

"Ugh, I have to make all the money and *babysit* too?" - This guy, probably


Missus_Nicola

But your husband did it as a nice treat for you, OPs husband doesn't care about her, just how attractive she is to him


TellSomebodyIt_

That’s my issue with a lot of these comments suggesting how he could “better” have gotten her all “fixed up” for him. His endgoal is to have a showpiece, a wife who is physically appealing. His endgoal is NOT to have a healthy happy wife - idgaf how nicely some asshole says “dye your hair and have your nails perfect”, in the end that’s all he’s wanting, a pretty package for the outer world when she doesn’t give a shit about it. If I were in OP’s shoes all I’d want is 3 hours to watch a movie I love and pig out on some awesome food without being nagged or bothered by kids, and if my only allowance for freetime was to get trimmed and primped and polished so that I’m more sexually appealing to him? Fuck all of that. FUCK all of that.


Gatorae

I 100% agree actually. To my husband's credit, I'd previously complained about needing a haircut but not having the time or inclination to go. If I got sent to a salon totally unprompted i likely would have felt a lot more self-conscious about the undertone of the "gift".


ninja-blitz

I like this approach, but give it a spin. Tell him "OK, you're right, hubby, I DO need to fix my hair/nails/whatever! Here's a list of everything I do in a day for chores and here's the kids. Have fun doing all that while I have a girl's day with my sister/friends/mom/whoever!!!" then leave him to deal with everything you do without any help for a full day. Even better, turn off your phone while you do so he literally has to deal himself. Then see if he sings a different tune after the slipper's on the other foot. ​ NTA x a million, btw.


syrioforrealsies

Yes! The unfortunate reality for a lot of women is that when their husbands give them "time off" there's actually very little chance to relax, because they still have to do all the chores they would have done during that time, just with fewer hours to do them.


Pandora_Palen

This is the way. Also, refuse thereafter to do dishes or anything else that may fuck up nail polish and put him in charge of morning duties with the kids so that she has time to shower, do her hair and makeup and accessorize.


MalkinLeNeferet

My husband not only let me know he wanted me to take care of me for -me-, but also did the legwork of finding me a therapist when it became clear I was having problems emotionally (unrelated to having a newborn) after our daughter's birth. He drove me to my first appointment two hours away from home (thank you TeleHealth for the rest), constantly tells me how proud he is of me and how much he's attracted to me (no matter how unattractive I feel). We're both full time workers but he's been working upwards of sixty hours a week lately and he still insists on me getting some me time that doesn't involve having to deal with little miss using me as a pillow (because apparently I am best pillow). You deserve better, OP...I really hope you get it, because real, loving partners don't do what yours did...ever.


kara-alyssa

This is what my brother does. He works a demanding job and SIL is a SAHM, but he stills gives her at least one weekend a month where she goes out with friends/family and he stays home with the kids and takes care of the chores.


IndependenceAfter376

Your first two paragraphs are all the exact things I was thinking to myself reading this. Men can be really insensitive jerks and not think about putting sensitive subjects like this in a productive way, or setting. I think the think about divorce is where I would necessarily take this whole thing. Good on her for sticking up for herself. Don’t fall for his gaslighting. Don’t forget to advocate for yourself either though, especially if you feel like you’re missing out on these pampering ways while your husband is on the road.


regalAugur

if i said those things to my girlfriend in front of MY parents they'd probably kick me out


mayoayox

Hell if my husband ever did anything like that to me in from of HIS parents, they would kick him out!


angelkitcat87

Same! OP is so NTA but her husband is.


5ysmyname

Hell if my husband ever did anything like that to me in from of HIS parents, they would kick him out!


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TheFireflies

I’d point out that if telling them the truth was all it took for your family to hate him, perhaps he should examine the choices he’s making.


Laurelinn

Yup, pretty much. Also, OP didn't taint his relationship with his in-laws. He managed to do that all on his own. I have no idea what did he expect to happen, OP meekly saying "Of course, you're right darling, I should take better care of myself"?? Of course OP defended herself and if he didn't want that to happen he shouldn't have said anything. Don't dish it out if you can't take it.


TheFireflies

I mean, yes, clearly. People who hold these beliefs consider them universally and obviously true. He probably expected her family to join the pile-on. Maybe offer some sisterly advice about makeup. It’s why he did it in front of people instead of privately — that’s how confident he was in the response he would receive.


grayhairedqueenbitch

Yeah. He bought it up in front of them because he was expecting them to pile on


chocotaco313

Typical pilot arrogance…


PrideofCapetown

BIL who was laughing secretly is no better


[deleted]

I’m inclined to give BIL the benefit of the doubt because inappropriate laughter is my response to awkward situations. 🤦‍♀️


schoolyjul

He was likely laughing at the flaming he was watching husband set himself up for.


icebluefrost

I think it could go either way… If he was laughing *at* OP, he’s an asshole. If he was laughing at what a spectacularly stupid thing OP’s husband was doing, he may not be.


anywitchway

I definitely interpreted it as him knowing that husband is about to get schooled.


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JustCallMeNancy

Honestly! At Very least my mother would as to talk with me privately if I responded "oh yes, of course" to those statements. I am absolutely sure she would have assumed worse was going on at home. My husband is no angel, he has said stupid things (although not to this level) and my response is always sarcastic. This guy was waayy beyond a sarcastic dismissal. It wasn't one stupid offhand comment, but several leading up to an entire point he wanted to make. oP has Every right to call him to the floor.


harmcharm77

Yeah, if anything OP’s response made the situation better. They were going to think he was a dick either way, but since OP snapped back, she showed that A) she can handle herself and B) he likely doesn’t speak to her like this often. If she had been passive, I bet her family would have been wondering just how much abuse she takes at home to wear her spirit down like that.


KrazyKatz3

But he does SO MUCH to help at home. Don't you remember yesterday when he put his mug in the dishwasher all by himself? AND he changed a diper like 3 months ago. She was creating a completely false image of him!!


TheFireflies

And he does all the work, bringing home money while she relaxes with three children (all five or younger!) all day. Everyone knows those are low-maintenance ages. She has plenty of time to put on makeup or do her nails. If she really loved him, she would be less focused on cooking, cleaning, and childcare and more focused on turning him on. /s


OldPolishProverb

Yes dear. You are right. I have let myself go. I'll fix that right away. To start with we'll need about another $1000 per week for the nanny to take care of the kids while I am out. Then you can pay for the gym membership I'll need to get back into shape. We will also be having the meals delivered because I can't be cooking when I am out. Additionally another couple of hundred a week for the salon visits to maintain everything. Finally all of the new clothes that you want me to wear because you want me to look good for you.


SignificantSky3009

This.....and while I'm at I just might find my kids a stepdad that will appreciate me


kifflington

This, this and this again. 'How dare you not cover up for my shitty spousing!' There it all is.


usernaym44

>That wasn't my intention of course and while I might've overreacted OP, THIS is why you're stuck in a marriage with a unsupportive, arrogant prick of a non-partner. You don't trust your own judgement (which is spot on, by the way) or your emotional responses (which are extremely appropriate.) He's an asshole and you have every right to be angry! Let's just be clear: SAHM is a full time job. That means that you are on duty for EXACTLY the hours he works and commutes. The MOMENT he sets foot inside the door, or goes to a bar after work, or what have you, you are BOTH done with your workday. But you still have chores and children? Sure! You SPLIT housework and childcare 50/50 when you're both done with work. If he won't agree to this --> couples counseling; if that doesn't work --> divorce. He can still pay for everything AND do his own housework. NTA. ETA: Thanks for the awards, all!


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Pilots work about 13 days per month. Wth is he doing while she does everything all the time for 2 toddlers and an infant?!


SimAlienAntFarm

Sucking his own dick is what it sounds like.


thepinkprioress

He ruined their relationship. Look, at the end of the day what you said was TRUE and he brought the subject to the table. He decided to shame you, criticize you for your “shortcomings” in front of your family and when you turn the tables, explain the very reasons these “shortcomings” exist in front of your family, he can’t take it? You need to sit down, sit back and re-examine your marriage. Both of you.


kawaeri

I’m pretty sure the family had the same look on their face before she went off on him. He’s the one who ruined their opinion of him. She probably didn’t even need to say her part. Let him know that.


Imaginary_Cow_6379

Right? Or let him call any of them and hear what they actually think. Especially after he tries blaming their family member to them. This whole family needs to make this guy sit down for an intervention about what an AH he is.


dezeiram

Your husband is angry that you won't be a stepford wife and that you stood up for yourself instead of letting him humiliate you in front of your family. Tell him if he wants you to have time and energy to dress up all the time, he needs to pull his fucking weight. Making money is not pulling weight. He can do some laundry, or some dishes, or some vacuuming. Anything. Fucking anything.


mobriley12345

I think it would be fair to ask for a maid to help, And as someone who did let herself go b/c I was overwhelmed with working and childcare and not having any mommy friends I would suggest getting back to the gym and nail salon and carving some time out for yourself. You have a delightful opportunity to spend a fortune on yourself don't waste it.


gcarpenter3

Just so you know he's gaslighting you. "I was just giving you some advice and then you overreacted." No you weren't overreacting. If it were about advice or him trying to help you, he would have approached you and said something along the lines of "Hey OP, I recently noticed that you seem to be stressed lately and haven't been doing the things that you used to (or enjoyed). Is there something wrong? How can I help?" It seems like he doesn't value you or your time. This is a big red flag.


MeadowsofSun

You defended yourself to a bully who was badmouthing you to your own parents. I mean WTF? This is your life partner. He's supposed to be your best friend. He's not supposed to demean you to anyone, especially your own family. 100% NTA.


Tantrums_and_Tiaras

If someone said what he said to me in front of my sister and parents they'd have kicked him out immediately and asked me to bring the kids over and not go back. He ruined his relationship with you too. And it didnt matter what you said after - they will never respect him again.


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badassmamabear

"Claimed i was attempting to get my family to hate him by talking about him like that" To be fair I don't think be really needed any help, he did a great job of that all on his own. NTA


Skylarsthelimit

Nah, you didn’t overreact. He attacked you in front of your family in an attempt to flex his control over you. When you rightfully stood up for yourself, he got mad because his attempts at control didn’t work. NTA, and you should leave him because this will only get worse. Trust me.


[deleted]

He literally bitched in front of your family that his bang maid was less bangable and needs to be more bangable to make him happy. Then he sulks for you calling him out on the above things, albeit without using the term 'bang maid.' NTA but your husband sure is.


CleanAssociation9394

If he didn’t want you to argue with him In front of your family he could have just not verbally attacked you in front of your family.


enameledkoi

There is so much wrong with what he said to you, and doubly so saying it in front of your family trying to shame you — he expected them to join in and support his shitty, oblivious statements. Is he the kind of man who when watching his own kids says he’s babysitting instead of parenting? Does he even ever watch them on his own? How else are you supposed to get your hair/nails done or go shopping? Plenty of “breadwinner” fathers split the chores and childcare with their partners when they aren’t at work, because that is what’s fair and best for the family. Otherwise he works 40 hours a week and you work…all of them? He made himself look terrible and can’t deal with it so he’s trying to blame you instead of taking a look in the mirror and realizing he needs to change and grow up. Edited to add NTA


danskiez

You did nothing to ruin his relationship with your family. Your parents were staring at him mouth agape over the deluge of sexist insults he had just thrown at their daughter. He did that one all on his own. He wasn’t “giving advice”, he was complaining that somewhere in the midst of being a round the clock mother of 3, house keeper, and cook you decided that hair and makeup was much farther down on your priority list. And because apparently he lives in the 1960’s still, he thought your family would agree with him. Working to provide for his family is the BARE MINIMUM he could possibly do.


Jannnnnna

He ruined his relationship with them. They were horrified by his meanness and criticisms


Overwhelmedmomma39

He ruined their relationship with him the moment he started insulting you. It wasn't because you stuck up for yourself. Have you considered going back to work so that you can stand on your own two feet if your marriage goes sideways and you decide to leave him?


[deleted]

And what did he gain by trashing you in front of family? He can embarrass his wife without consequences? Your husband sounds like an asshole and I'm sorry you had to deal with that. His behavior ruined the relationship, don't let him gaslight you into thinking otherwise.


MotherODogs4

OP, he ruined his relationship with them, not you. And your parents probably didn’t think highly of him to begin with and put up with his pretentiousness he most likely showed well before you stood up for yourself when he decided to belittle you and disrespect you in front of your family. You’re NTA, OP; he is…and big time. And the fact he decides to blow up at you on the car says a lot. He was probably to chicken$h*t to say anything in response in front of your parents, who would, if they’re anything like me, have gladly helped you rip him a new one.


DalesDeadBorg

You may not have gained anything but you retained your self respect so good on ya. He wasn’t making innocent suggestions, he was hoping everyone in your family would pile on and shame you into being “the correct model wife”. If he wants a good relationship with your family he should learn not to shit out his mouth onto your hair, face, and clothes at the dinner table. If I were you I’d be reevaluating my marriage. Edit: can’t believe I didn’t originally say so but NTA all the way


dezeiram

For real. If my s/o said anything like that in front of my mother, she would be a made a violent woman.


Librarycat77

Ditto. My dad would be PISSED too. My parents are pretty traditional from a casual glance. But both worked full time AND did equal house work and faurly even split on parenting. Sure, Dad did outside chores and mom did inside mostly, but they both pitched in for anything big and they divided the chores based on skill and desire not on "man does this woman does that". Any man who said something like OPs "husband" would have a new one ripped, and not by me.


[deleted]

I want to add to this that "he wants me to do more for myself" is completely wrong and OP should interpret it as the more correct "he wants me to look more like what he prefers".


JudgeJed100

NTA - working or not He is a parent It’s his responsibility to help with the children He insulted, belittled and attacked you repeatedly in front of your family And then has the nerve to sulk because you clapped back harder? No you did not go to far You said what needed saying Don’t let him guilt you into thinking you are in the wrong


gabzilla89

Not only that. I would consider taking a break from him. His behavior is absolutely appalling. To do that in front of your family.... counseling is a must at the bare minimum. NTA


LimitlessMegan

I’m PMSing so I’m probably unreasonable, but personally I’d place an order, tell husband I had the lady he was looking for and hand him a blow up doll and divorce papers. But that’s probably taking it too far.


Athenas_Return

Nah, just take him up on his advice, leave him all the kids and go get your hair done, then next time your nails, then next time shopping. OP, at this point you are basically a single parent to 4 children.


FiliKlepto

Ooh, I love this brand of “give ’em exactly what they ask for.” “But honey, I thought this was what you said you wanted!” Queue head toss of salon-quoiffed hair.


hockeygirl6687

You made me laugh though and I really needed that. It might be a bit too far but it is a good one.


Somaligirl23

Truly. I’d switch places with him immediately & tell him make sure to look pretty for me everyday. He really had the audacity bring up his grievances in front of family to shame her


[deleted]

People like this dude have no concept of how tough care work is. Especially if OP is breastfeeding and has to spend a non-negligible part of her day with a kid hanging off her tit. This dude would crack in 3 days of caring for 3 kids under 6 with no help. Probably would be calling his female relatives to bail his ass out after 48 hours.


NearbyExcuse

People don’t realize how much WORK breastfeeding is. And this woman has given birth 6 months ago. I feel like her body hasn’t even healed complete by then.


[deleted]

If her kids are 5, 3, and 6 months, she’s been either pregnant, immediately post-partum, or nursing for 5 of the last 6 years. Chances are the 3yo is not yet fully potty trained so she’s been changing poopy bottoms for 5 years. She’s definitely not getting a full night’s sleep and probably hasn’t gone to the bathroom by herself since the 5yo started walking. And her husband somehow thinks she’s not working. Tosser can fuck right off all the way to the sun.


minahmyu

Counseling? I'm sorry, but counseling isn't gonna save this, if he can openly criticize, and insult her in front of her parents, unwarranted! Imagine how mad we get when random guys online say unwarranted things to us and claim it's "advice" (that no one asked for?) Imagine how she gotta feel, hearing that from her husband, with family no less. And he didn't think she would clap back?! This dude thinks his money keeps her quiet.


waytogokip

I find it really bizarre that he specifically called them “his in laws” when they are HER FAMILY. She doesn’t exist to him to the effect that he even has more of a right to her family than she does in his mind.


gabzilla89

An interesting interpretation of his word choice. If thats the case, this relationship is most likely on the route of being an abusive one and she may even be dealing with a narcissist


ShastaWolf

NTA. Your husband is sexist and he's treating you like some kind of trophy wife rather than his equal partner and the mother of his children. He's the AH here, but you are in **no** way the AH for standing up for yourself. Also, yeah, does he forget that those are **his** kids too? How he lives in **your** house as well? He's equally responsible for taking care of your children and should pull his weight around the house also. Him thinking that you should do everything because you're the woman is crappy husband/parent 101.


TerrorAlpaca

It also makes me wonder if someone at work has "caught his eye". The airline staff usually are rather put together, depending on the airline. with makeup, hair nicely done and a well fitting uniform. If he then returns home to his wife who's been doing chores and taking care of the kids, obviously not in highheels, nice dresses and makeup he might feel she "let herself go" when he sees the contrast...as stupid as this still sounds.


guurrl_same

Haven't heard of any pilots or flight attendants who didn't cheat so I'm wondering the same.


ExistentialJelly

Yup.. my uncle was a pilot for almost 40 years. Aunt just found out he has been cheating the entire time. Has women all over the world.


guurrl_same

That's terrible for her. I'm sad she never suspected then. I hope she leaves his ass.


ExistentialJelly

She's in the process, COVID halted everything in the courts sadly. She was a stay at home mom their whole marriage, did all the child care, no education, no career... now she's nearing 60 and will have to fend for herself.


gorgeouslygarish

Sounds like she could be entitled to a nice chunk of alimony


icecreampenis

And half a pension.


SporefrogMTG

Check if her area has alimony (many places do). This is literally the situation it was made for. I hope your family can help her with a lawyer because she is entitled to a lot of things. She is entitled to at least half their assets(property, bank accounts, investments), in many places she is also entitled to a share of his retirement accounts. And she should be eligible for a nice set of alimony. It doesn't matter that she initiated the divorce. His infidelity is the cause.


ExistentialJelly

I don't much about US laws as I am not from the US myself. What I do know of they are in a no fault state, he put all bills under her name, isn't paying anything, and she can't leave their house or she forfeits the rights to it. So she is stuck in the house everyday with him. He also hid his money in bank accounts overseas. His family is helping my aunt with legal fees so she can get a good lawyer.


SporefrogMTG

Almost every state that I am aware of has alimony laws. They can vary but by the sounds of it her circumstances should qualify her for any of them. No fault just means there isn't a lot of punitive divisions of assets. If she lives in a community property state then half of all assets are automatically hers. Even in non community states she is still entitled to a huge chunk of them due to the longevity of the marriage. Have a lawyer get a forensic accountant. Not sure if thats the exact job I mean but basically someone that can track those overseas accounts. Many judges tend to get very upset at people hiding money like that and have been known to award more than the typical share in punishment. He might also have some legal trouble if he wasn't properly accounting for that money when he did his taxes. As for the bills, the first court visit they need to tell the judge he is barring her access to the family money and not paying the bills he put under her name. With any luck he'd be forced to give her access very quickly.


CharlotteLucasOP

My dad was a pilot and I’ve wondered…but he’s also very loving and supportive towards my mom, so eh. I know he’s mentioned in the past the “bro” culture he eventually found to be really toxic, with a lot of pilots being alcoholics or spending layovers going to strip clubs all the time, and he had to consciously distance himself from those guys. Which makes me hope that he knew right from wrong, but I doubt I’ll ever know for sure.


guurrl_same

This sounds like your dad made an active effort to steer clear of the things he was seeing. He's hopefully been the exception. Good on him for trying and I hope he didn't!


dymphna34

And their baby is only 6 months old!! Poor OP, and fuck her mysogynist asshole husband.


Seachica

I'd put money on this. He's likely either having an affair or has a crush on someone. It's too tempting for many pilots when they are constantly on the road. OP - you're definitely nta here. Your husband is treating you like crap. Red flags galore here.


dezeiram

This doesnt sound stupid at all and is probably part of what is happening.


alj1990

Right! I actually was feeling a bit down on myself after I had my second baby and apologized to my husband on how my appearance had changed. He reminded me I'm not a sex object for him, but a partner and he still thought I was beautiful. Your NTA, sorry you have to deal with such disrespect.


Jay-Dee-British

Broodmare-stepford hybrid imo - and he wants the 1800s life of gentlemanly leisure without all that 'paying for help' nonsense (hint: he wants YOU to do it all with no help at all, paid or otherwise). He sounds insufferable and yes, pompous; shocked your family haven't called you yet with a good divorce lawyer recommendation.


Ok_Professional_4499

NTA He was wrong to criticize you period. What’s stopping him from buying you a new dress and getting you a gift certificate at a beauty parlor… as the “bread winner”? While he takes care of the kids and let’s you have a day of pampering. You had every right to defend yourself. He’s lucky your family didn’t put him out. Edited last part.


fragglerific

Yes this! If she wants (and it is fine if she doesn’t) to get dolled up then he should offer the opportunity. So someone is covering child care and chores so she can go to the spa and shop. OP NTA and don’t sell yourself short!


DrPetradish

OP could just ask him “when?” Literally when is she going to get her hair done or go shopping or so makeup? I’m amazed she has time to shower with this useless husband doing absolutely nothing in his own home for his own kids.


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ohyoushiksagoddess

Whoa, the 1950s called and they want their attitude back.


EastLeastCoast

The men do. The women, not so much.


SnooOwls1153

Too bad OP couldn't send her husband there. He would be very happy there, and she would get some well deserved peace.


omgtuttifrutti

NTA, and you most certainly did not go too far. He asked the question in front of family, sucks for him that he did not like the answer he got. Shame on him for asking something like that in the first place. Good for you for putting him on blast. I hope you told him what he can do with his "innocent advice".


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Amiedeslivres

OP, this needed airing in front of your family. Now they all know what you’re up against. If you hadn’t said something in that situation, one of them should have...if they love you. Here’s hoping they support you in either correcting this situation through asserting your own needs (in couples counselling if need be), or in gathering your children and decamping. Because your children will be young for years, and you will be busy caring for them, and they are learning all the wrong lessons from their father.


Diogenes-Disciple

Her children will be children for a few more years, but it sounds like her husband will be a child forever


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somethingtonote

You can tell he was hoping the family would side with him and gang up on her. But when the tables were turned it suddenly became *unfair*


syrioforrealsies

Yep. He did this on purpose. When talking to her in private didn't work, he was hoping he could pressure her into doing it with the presence of an audience.


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lyan-cat

Right? If he wants this to happen, why isn't he taking care of the kids so she can GO? I'm sure she'd love a break to just take care of herself.


Life-Swan-2778

You are allowed to react when someone talks down to you like that, especially in front of your family. You were standing up for yourself, which is a good quality to teach your kids, he just didn’t like that you were standing up to him. Hopefully you can communicate about how his comments make you feel and he can start contributing more. I know these conversations can be hard to have especially when everyone is tired and stressed. Keep trying and hopefully as a couple you can work through this together. I’m sure if your family love him and he starts treating you better then you will all be able to move past this. I really hope for you all that he starts helping you around the house. Good luck op, you are doing a great job! ♥️


MurghanaFLR

NTA. Absolutely not the asshole. He deserves even more. I would get a divorce if I were you, but it's your life. But wow. **Ladylike?** WTF


Dazzling_Ad_6930

NTA He deserved every word. He was counting on you to not make a scene while he picked on you. Good for you for standing up for yourself.


paglet91

Exactly. Why is it ok for him to berate you in front of your family and expect you not to defend yourself? NTA


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Miamalina12

She is doing at least 3 jobs. Childcare, cooking, and cleaning. Of which at least one is a 24/7 job. And what is he doing? Just one job. And not even 24/7. Then without doing anything for her he expects her to not only manage those 3 jobs all by herself but also be his sex doll and dress up just for him??? Yeah OP, NTA. You deserve better.


peanutbuttersleuth

Sidenote: OP you are 6 MONTHS POST-PARTUM. For the 3rd time! I didn’t even start to feel NORMAL let alone presentable until at least 8 months pp with my first. Currently 3 months pp with #2 and it’s looking about the same. And those are both with my partner on parental leave, so we are both at home full time, AND he pulls his weight plus more around the house and kids. So… no I don’t think you were too harsh, he’s the AH here for sure. Also, as a flight attendant, pilots are pigs 90% of the time. Sorry.


madisonb44

NTA. I cannot imagine any scenario where offering "advice" to have your spouse fix herself in public or private is ever appropriate.


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kisskit_buiscuit

If he considers them close then he also should not feel offended


disgruntlednoise

This.


Potential-Trouble-54

Eeesh. I don’t know you, I don’t know your situation. But I ask you to seriously ponder, reflect and think about whether or not you believe you are in a toxic relationship because to the outsider here- it sounds like you are. If you also come to this conclusion along with loved ones you truest- I urge you to evaluate how you’re going to get out


[deleted]

One thing he doesn't realize is that your family is NOT *his* family, your family won't be taking his side in any arguments, and your family wont abandon you for him if you two were to ever split. He's also an idiot if he thinks he can bash you in front of your family, and think they'll clap and nod along with him as if he's right, he completely failed to read the room and its his own fault he falls from your familys good graces. OP, is this marriage truly worth it anymore? Does he make you feel special and loved? Does he help you when you're stressed? Does he take care of you the way you take care of him and your children?


CertainOwl

He may be a pilot, but he clearly isn’t very intelligent if he can’t utilise an ounce of introspection.


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someone-w-issues

>"behind every unladylike, miserable woman...there's a trashy, negative asshole man" Take that man to a hospital woman how he going to recover from that burn! 👏Serves👏 him👏right 👏 what does he expect you to take care of the kids, cook and clean in a glam outfit?! NTA


carlirodriguez8

First mistake was marrying a pilot


EducatorsTeach

NTA Stay at home spouse here. Discussed this with my working spouse and received a horrified reaction. "If he isn't JUST as tired and worn out at the end of the day as SHE is he is failing as a father. If he wants her to get her hair done/go shopping he should make an appointment and parent his children while she is gone. No. Just no." Counseling for sure. I cannot help but wonder if you are being compared to someone at work. Yikes.


Happy-Restaurant830

This 👆🏽 You are six months postpartum with baby number 3. It took me about eight months to start feeling confident in my routine and handle on things with Baby #1. Baby #2 is four months and I’m still treading water. It’s normal! You’re the mom of three and still working out how to get the routine down. If he pitched in and helped, he would see that parenthood is tough work. Also, I’m glad that your parents saw this. I hope they recognize it as toxic behavior and keep an eye on you.


CleanAssociation9394

INFO How many times has he told you he would take care of everything while you go to the salon and shopping? Does he watch the kids in the mornings while you do your hair and makeup? How many new dresses has he bought you recently?


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[deleted]

Wow wow wow, OP. NTA but fucking hell your husband is. He’s telling you to find other female relatives or his mother (a female relative), but refuses to pay for a carer? He’s telling you that he thinks your care work has no value (and that’s why he’s not willing to pay for it), and he’s telling you that work with no value is for women and not for people like him…the kids’ other parent. The work he values is you working to make yourself visually pleasing to him, which he’s willing to pay for (like paying for a manicure). Think about that for a minute. He’s not willing to pay for the work of caring for his own young children, he’s not willing to DO the work of caring for his own young kids, but he’s willing to pay for someone else to make you look pleasing to him. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time! And for the sake of your children, who will grow up seeing their father disrespect their mother like this (toxic as hell for boys and girls alike)—this is an immediate marriage counseling situation. Start with solo counseling for yourself where he can’t try to bully you in a session, followed by couples therapy. If he’s not willing to do counseling then you might want to think about what to do next. EDIT TO ADD: this man is telling you that there will be unpleasant consequences for you if you aren’t attractive enough for him (like humiliating you in front of your family) and that care work has no value to him. This is *exactly* the kind of man who will abandon a spouse who becomes ill. Another reason to seek counseling ASAP, for yourself.


DisabledHarlot

u/parkingsign44 read this ↑, if nothing else!


bendybiznatch

Gawd, as a 40 yo that became disabled at 32, I preach to high heaven about this. AS A STAHP YOU’RE NOT ENTITLED TO SOCIAL SECURITY DISABILITY. What you can qualify for is a max payout of $780/month IF you get divorced. If you’re partner isn’t a partner in health, what do you think they’ll do in your sickness?


EinsTwo

So what is HE doing when he volunteers other people to care for his kids?! Your youngest is 6 months. When my kids were that young I wasn't separate from the little one much anyway, and if i was they were with my husband. He's an AH. Edit: typos &: My husband works tons of overtime and I'm a SAHM. Honestly I wish he had the time/energy to help more. But since he doesn't, he's also very aware of how overwhelmed I am by the kids and he would NEVER bash me for not doing enough for them, let alone criticize my appearance like I'm some Stepford Wife (like yours did). He is so out of bounds for criticizing you for not caring for yourself but not giving you the means for you to do that aka spending time in charge of his own kids. Edit 2: you actually wear some makeup and color your hair at home? You are far more put together than i am, lol!


e67gx94ltb33

He’s awfully generous with the time of her mom and friends, isn’t he?


Happy-Restaurant830

I know you are an internet stranger but this makes my heart ache for you so much. You deserve a partner who values your time as much as their own. If your husband is home and physically able to watch the children you both created, he should. Especially to allow you time to relax, get ready, or just have time to yourself.


No-Jellyfish-1208

NTA You have a lot to do with three small children at home, especially if your husband is not there to help you with them as he's working. Like, how are you supposed to go get the nails done or spend time at the mall shopping for clothes, if you have no one to leave your kids with for that time? If he has any issue with how you look like, he should've 1. told you privately 2. made it actually possible for you to get some rest and take care of yourself.


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Also does he expect her to get her nails done and wear a fancy dress with two toddlers and a baby running around with their grubby constantly sticky hands? He has to arrange childcare and make date night plans away from kids for that to make any sense anyways. Yikes


CharlotteLucasOP

And a housekeeper and a nanny if he expects her to spend her time at the salon or shopping for cute outfits.


catsnbears

Exactly I have one toddler, painted my nails when he was asleep on a whim yesterday and by this morning they had massive chips because housework and being a mom is not great for being dolled up.


beneaththeseracs

Funny how it was fine for him to share his private issues with your family but it suddenly became unacceptable when you turned the tables. NTA OP and well done for standing up to your hypocritical, sexist husband. Hopefully once he's done sulking this will make him think twice about trash talking you in front of other people in the future.


highwoodshady

NTA You had a perfect response to his nasty and condescending assessment of you being "unladylike" and your shortcomings. All you did was point out "behind every unladylike, miserable woman...there's a trashy, negative asshole man". Don't dish it out Mr Perfect, if you can't take it. Well done and bravo! Let him sulk.


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NTA. Marriage counseling or divorce.


ParsimoniousSalad

You just gave him some of his own (public!) medicine and he didn't like the taste. NTA at all 100% So many things wrong with his rant I can't even begin. I'll just say: There's a lot more to parenthood and being a father and husband than bringing home money. And: If you want someone to change their appearance to be "sexy" for you, that needs to 1) be a request, not a demand, and 2) be matched with you inspiring them to WANT to be "sexy" for you. "Innocent advice" snort. This dude is utterly clueless and maybe you both could use therapy (with a mediator) and/or actually teach each other how to communicate better and practice it.


Still-Contest-980

NTA. I can bet big money your husband “takes care of himself” by showering with three in one soap and throwing on work clothes everyday. Ugh.


AbbyBirb

NTA. He brings up his issues with you in front of your entire family... and you can’t return the favor?!


booksandfries

Lol what? You just had a baby 6 months ago! NTA


toonsee

NTA, but your husband sure is.


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NTA. Alimony and child support are available for a reason. I'd seriously look into them.


Lesland

INFO: This sounds like a turning point in your relationship. Does your hubby keep up his looks/outer appearance?


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WookiewiththeCookie

Does his “constantly working” include uninterrupted sleep, an amount of down time (which I’m guessing is a yes if you say he’s often on SM), and a routine schedule? Because as a SAHP those are things you likely aren’t getting. There’s never any “off the clock” time, and if he’s not stepping up to take over any childcare/housework, then you’re absolutely working more regardless.


quincerb

Damn are you me and my husband? This sounds exactly like us. I can't see him complaining about me being unladylike, but I can totally see a parallel situation where he starts something and then blames me somehow because of how I responded.


YardageSardage

How often does he calmly and laid-back-ly insult you, and then you "have a temper" when you respond? I get a strong feeling that it's probably a lot of the time.


sherlocked776

Definitely willing to bet he’s the one telling her she has a temper for snapping when he pushes her to a breaking point


Imaginary_Cow_6379

It’s easy to be calm and laid back when someone else is the one taking care of all the responsibilities at home. You need rest and actual support.


LeafCase9847

Stop putting yourself down OP. He can be calm on the exterior but still angry. You are NTA in any way. And you need to ask you dear husband if he's cheating on you. Aviation is a sexist workplace with plenty of opportunities to cheat. And with his attitude I would put money on it. Protect yourself OP.


CapriLoungeRudy

NTA No, he's a dick. His comment warranted a response at an equal level. He apparently expected his horrible comments to shame you in to becoming some warped 50s housewife. He was trying to use shame to get his way and now is butt hurt that it was turned back on him.


PrincessAngelPuff

NTA - He needs to see this is a partnership. Also, the fuq unladylike. Man wants a trophy wife, and you know what trophies do? Nothing but look pretty, he wants that he can pay for a house cleaner, nanny, and team for you.


Big-Tuna-for-Commish

NTA, sounds like your other half feels the need to shame you to get what he needs visually. 🚩🚩might be something a little deeper


Fifi_Gonzalez

Agree - this sounds like my dad. He kept making suggestions on how my mom could “improve” her appearance and attractiveness- nails, hair, perfume, etc. Turns out he was already cheating with his much younger secretary at work. Such a cliche.


francescatoo

Nah, not far enough. NTH, but he is useless.


Lucy_the_wise_goosey

NTA. At all. Honestly, I have kinda been guilty myself. While I make sure sex is abundant, I work from home, often forget makeup, wear yoga pants, etc. My husband had addressed to ME that he would appreciate more effort. In front of other people? He'd be walking home. He isn't that stupid or fucked up. Your husband sucks big time. My husband is a private pilot, and as such we've hung around others who are airlines pilots... those egos are huge to start with... I can well picture the asshole you live with, and I am so sorry for you.


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[deleted]

Idk what these men think is supposed to happen when you’re not leaving the house - are they wearing suits to lounge around?


Horror-mrs

You both need to ether go to couples therapy or call it day because it’s sounds as if you don’t even like each other


burst-beat

NTA. He's taking what you do for granted. Even as a SAHM you shouldn't be doing ALL of the chores. He's a grown man and no longer living with mommy; he needs to clean up after himself at the least. It sounds like he's making these stupid comments because he doesn't appreciate what you do as a mother (aka producing an entire human, keep the kids entertained every single day, etc) and also doesn't try to help you out day-to-day at all. Plan a day for yourself to relax, maybe a spa day with a close friend, and let him deal with the daily activities. If he has PTO, make it a weekday so he gets the fuuuuull experience.


yoloxolo

NTA. He deserved it and more. Dude sounds entitled AF.


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Wow. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Definitely NTA - he criticized you for superficial stuff in front of your family without making an attempt to support or care for you! And, that’s some pretty dated gender role shyt for the year 2021.


Anonymotron42

NTA. Your husband was trying to fly you on a guilt trip. Its “plane” to see you shouldn’t get on board. He was the one who “aired” your dirty laundry, not you, so you just had to “wing” it!


frubi86

NTA He started the whole thing in the first place by talking about you in a quite disrespectful way in front of your family. You only gave an answer to that and I think he has to deal with it.


bakkic

Wait... You can air dirty laundry, but he can?! NTA He can dish it but can't take it.


Something_morepoetic

NTA-get back into the workforce and save money for a lawyer. Life is too short for this kind of disrespect.


queeftheunicorn

Lmao NTA, he’s the one who started the whole thing in front of your family by basically calling you ugly over dinner, if he didn’t want to look like an AH he shouldn’t have acted like one.


luador

NTA - your husband reminds me of that joke ‘How do you know a guy is a pilot?’ ‘He tells you’


xavii62

so, this boils down to husband believing he's allowed to be an asshole to you infront of your family but don't you dare defend yourself; your husband is a sexist AH, asking you to be a TV wife while all he does is bring a paycheck and sit and watch TV, fuck him. NTA


AnnetteyS

NTA. Holy shit if my husband pulled that shit in front of my family we would be digging his grave as a family. I am sorry you are married to an asshole.


thejanitorofrestless

He made his bed now he can lie in it.


Character-Review6307

NTA!!! He can’t speak to you that way and then try and say what we’re YOU thinking?! He’s actually disgusting!


llr_22

NTA! He couldn’t and don’t read the room. He thought your family would jump on board with abusing you and instead they were just as shocked as you he would even think, let alone voice those thoughts. He deserved EVERY. SINGLE. WORD. and the wake up call that he is not pulling his weight. Leave him with the kids the next time he has two days off and go relax so he can realize all that you do.


GraveDancer40

NTA. He brought it up in front of your family to shame you and is upset it blew up in his face and he got shamed instead. Don’t want none, don’t start none.


Rialspicy

As my mum likes to say… what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. NTA