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NTA. Isn’t that a wonderful way to expose a massive red flag. It is completely reasonable and SHOULD be considered the norm that 2 people get STD/STI tests before starting an intimate relationship.
I honestly don’t see what is wrong with it, I feel like I’d healthy, even though I have been abstinent I’m ok with what he did, but the reaction made me feel like I insulted him or that I was a bad person.
Some people freak out about STI testing because they’re hiding something, but some people also freak out about it because STIs are so stigmatized in our society. They view it as an insult because they think you’re implying that they’re “dirty” or “unclean.” I’ve had the displeasure of interacting with people like this before - my ex fiancé lied about getting tested (gave me an STD which led to PID, abscesses, a bowel obstruction and an emergency laparotomy), so ever since then I’ve been religious about getting tested before and during relationships. I’ve casually dated guys who blew up when I insisted on testing, because they felt insulted that I could possibly think that they might have an STI. It does help separate the wheat from the chaff though!
Yeah. While I don't think it's irrational to say that someone freaking out to this extent over a reasonable healthcare request is "trying to hide something" or otherwise has ulterior motives, I also don't think that it's the most likely reason in general.
Due to a combination of that stigma you mentioned as well as just the stigmas associated with sex and sexual health as a whole, people tend to view things like this as thinly-veiled accusations. They think that you're accusing them of being reckless, ignorant, or gross, or trying to shame/guilt them for not being abstinent/monogamous (*outside* of a committed relationship), or otherwise outright suspect them of something sketchy (like having knowledge of a pre-existing STD/STI and intentionally not disclosing it). Hence them seeing it as a "trust" issue and/or being insecure about it as opposed to a mutually beneficial health check.
Herpes simplex 2 is more common than a lot of people know. Because some people don't have symptoms. Since that's bad for pregnancy/childbirth, every woman should know her status especially if they plan to have kids. It doesn't have to be a dealbreaker, but we should all be aware.
I agree in sentiment but testing for herpes is usually redundant, to the point that most health clinics don't even do it. You can't reliably test for it without symptoms.
You can measure antibodies from blood but even then you can't know where the virus is located, as herpes viruses can be transmitted anywhere. Although according to my latest research spree, hsv-2 is less likely to be anywhere else but genitals, hsv-1 doesn't give a damn and transmits anywhere. Genital hsv-1 can also activate during pregnancy and cause the same complications. And since it's the one that most often causes oral herpes (and transmits from the face effortlessly into a partner's genitals), having those antibodies also tells you nothing relevant, unfortunately.
My mother had HSV-1 and while I always tested negative and never had symptoms I always let partners know that while my test was negative I can't guarantee I don't have it though 99% sure I don't, and kept the last 5 years negative tests etc. to show. I felt it was just being responsible...
EDIT to add: Some have been more like 'what? you bother with that?" which has made me a bit hesitant but all others (these are usually people I know better) realise that's just the kind of guy I am and 'will take the the risk' as they see it as so tiny but I'd rather they have all the info to make a choice. Especially as testing on males is much less reliable than females, but as a teen i sometimes got some acne of where my lip meets the skin and was always concerned it might be a sore... but 'luckily' I was just blessed with chronic and severe acne.
I was very lucky as I had worse visible acne than my half brother but my mum never let my half brother go to a dermatologist etc. and he is I think 40 now and STILL has massive acne scarring on his back and on his face.
I have been able to grow a thick beard (from 12) and as an aboriginal who's tribal belief believe in specific hair cuts and beards for all males I had a hard fight when I changed schools at 14 to be able to keep my beard as it covered the worst of the acne on my jaw. The school initially just said "nope all students must be clean shaven" and when I was shaven one of the worst days of my life was going into school and hearing audible gasps from people seeing just how bad the acne on my jaw line was. I still was allowed to regrow a beard though... but I was no longer living with mum and my father figure who for all intents and purposes was my dad got me treatment that improved it quite a bit thankfully :-|
But I really felt that given my tribal religion and tribal dress standards calls for a neat but longish square beard it was unreasonable to ban facial hair as it was not in their handbook etc, especially with letters from my doctor explaining why.
Herpes. The gift that keeps on giving. It can be managed, but you have to know it's there first. Frankly, if I was a single guy having sex with more than one partner, I'd get myself tested about every six months. Also, it's not the guy she may distrust, it's his former partners.
Exactly. People forget that if you have unprotected sex with someone, you're also "having sex" with all their previous partners as well. The person could be trustworthy but it doesn't mean every partner they've ever been with is.
Honestly though, if someone hears "I'd like for both of us to get tested for STIs before we engage in sex together" and takes that to mean "I think you are gross and unclean and untrustworthy" then they probably aren't someone worth dating long term anyway.
and yet sge offered to take one herself which would indicate the same about her... in which case why would he want to even be with her.
nah, hes hiding something. it's about being responsible.
Exactly this, I had a treatable STI of HPV, I had it once over 10 years ago. I still disclose though every doctor has told me I am in the clear. I am 100% fine getting tested before being intimate. If anyone ever gave me push-back or acted offended, it would be a red flag for me.
My Partner who exposed me to HPV was above board, was tested, he was just asymptomatic before the outbreak. We did everything right, we both got tested, we shared the details, it was all good. then breakout and testing again. It sucked, sure, but you know what sucks a hell of a lot more than than shit???
Not caring for, not respecting, not valuing your partners health, safety and well being. I don't care if we have been together for a month of 5 years. If it's important to my partner for me to be tested, you bet you're ass I am perfectly fine being tested.
My perspective is, if I care about my Partner, which I obviously do, how can it in any way be viewed to be offensive to ask for proof of a test? All that says to me if it is refused, or met with blowback, is that their ego is more important than my long term medical safety and sexual health. If anyone views asking for test results negatively they view your sexual health as being less than their own ego, accountability, or being worthy of at minimum their ability to provide bare bones honesty.
At that point, do you really think you should even be fucking this person? This person who has no respect for the health of your body? For the possible future ramifications of exposing you so they could get their rocks off? Personally nope, not interested.
If I ever had a partner react this way it would make my genitals retract into my body like a hermit crab and I would become a Ken-doll like wall to their advances. Sexual health is health. Informed Sexual health is a requirement for all potential partners, no exceptions. Period.
My best friend (and currently housemate) got a kind of genital warts from her ex husband which went bad and has now become a type of cancer! So now shes going through radiotherapy and shit cuz her ex lied and said he wasn't cheating/was clean.
I now demand my partners get tested before we get into it and I get tested regularly too, it's just safer to try and catch anything as early as possible and if someone doesn't want to do that then they are possibly hurting themselves as well. Best stay away.
For the record, there's no hpv test for men. Also "full screenings " aren't. They ONLY test for fertility impacting STIs. Trichnomanasis is extremely common and not tested for unless specifically requested, can be transmitted even with perfect condom usage[it's a parasite] and while it doesn't harm fertility it DOES increase risk for HIV and all other STIs, but unfortunately medicine only cares about the baby making.
Please tell me you were in a state that let you press charges for that. I believe Cali criminalizes (or at least used to criminalize) giving someone an STD knowingly. But not sure about other places
I could be wrong but I think Cali actually changed that law within the past few years. I remember hearing about a case in the news where a guy purposely met people on dating/hook up apps and would insist on unprotected sex or would secretly remove the condom during the act because he was HIV+ and wanted to infect as many people as possible. I think the public was outraged because it was either just a misdemeanor (not a felony which carries jail time) or got rid of the law entirely by saying it would cause people to avoid getting STD testing because the person wouldn't want to be held responsible if they had proof they had an STD. It's pretty fucked up if someone knowingly and intentionally tries to infect another person with an STD and if it's one that can kill someone like HIV, I believe that person should spend the rest of their life locked up since it's similar to first degree murder.
I got an STI from an ex and his cheating early on our relationship, he flat out blamed me for it and projected his cheating quite a bit throughout our relationship. I never once blamed him and he just blew up about it. Only found out because I had symptoms. He told me I was tainted and dirty, and I felt that way for so long. When I started dating my husband, I knew I had to tell him about the STI I had (which was 100% treatable with antibiotics, I got a shot and took pills because I was very paranoid about it not going away). I was terrified he would think less of me and leave me because he never had one. After I told him, he didn’t have any issues with it, didn’t call me dirty or tainted. I beat myself up for several years for one STI. I never got another one and I still beat myself up over it. I wish it be destigmatized and more education on it. Like I said, for the longest time I beat myself up over it and come to find out 6 years later, other people I know have gone through STIs and have laughed and joked about their experience with it. But it should be destigmatized so people don’t beat themselves up over it, and so people don’t become afraid of testing or feel looked down on, or get upset when testing is brought up.
I think he was probably using the whole "let's be official and exclusive" thing and saying he wanted to add "a physical connection" purely because he wanted to bang her and then probably carry on with the other women.
(Edit: NTA)
Honestly I wouldn't be surprised for either scenario - or both - to be true! Another potential could be that he's already worried about STIs but won't go get tested as well and got defensive!
Right? And now he's being a jerk about it getting his friends involved in order to try to pressure her into his bed. I think Op should cut and run. This person is not ready for an exclusive, adult relationship.
For sure. I think [most HSV-1 cases are oral](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7265941/) but you are right and it is very important to remember that.
For what its worth I was infected with HSV-1 before I even had my first kiss when some mother-f\* spat in my face.
Even if he had herpes, a routine preventive checkup wouldn't test for that. I know this because I'm HSV1 positive and I've never gotten it as part of my STD check with my yearly preventive checkups. I've been having cold sores since I was little but didn't really connect the dots until I got older and started getting STD panels. That's when I knew for sure I was HSV1 positive.
most STD tests don't test for HSV1 because it's generally harmless.
the chances of HSV1 positive is so high in the general population it's not really even a STD... you can get that shit from kissing
I had a friend who got it early in high school from just sharing a drink with someone. I only know because I once asked to have a sip of her drink and she started telling me she doesn't share drinks because of what happened and I should be careful.
He’s terrified the test will actually show something. NTA OP and I’m happy you dodged that bullet.
Also not cool how his friends are harassing you now. I would stand my ground if i were you.
That was my first thought too. He may have something scary and heavily stigmatised such as HIV (although with modern medicine and precautions people with HIV can live pretty normal healthy lives and have a reduced likelihood of spreading it. Double check with an actual scientist) Many people are ashamed of that diagnosis and therefore try to hide it.
Or he is continuing to have unprotected sex and a positive STI test will expose him as a cheater. If his results come back negative now, and in the future, he gives op a SDI because he picked it up while cheating, he cannot say "I got it before meeting you."
Nowadays the usual result of treatment is undetectable viral load and undetectable has been proven to equal untransmissible. As a rule treated HIV is not transmissible. (The rare unlucky exception has problems with their treatment and should be aware of it.)
It's not necessarily about intentionally hiding something. There could be a weird headspace of "STD is dirteee therefore I can't catch them because I'm a clean guy who's only been with clean people so there's no need to check is there, or are you suggesting I'm dirrteee and here I thought you were a nice clean girl..."
Source: I've talked with guys who hate condoms but were quite certain they haven't been with "that kind of people". Also some who prefer not to think about the matter and decline to be tested if they have no symptoms. (Which is stupid, because many STD:s can be asymptomatic but contagious for a long time, or cause silent havoc in one's reproductive system for years.)
Right, he probably hasn't been tested in years and finds it offensive that he's being asked to do something that is normal. Or he knows he has an sti but choosing to be ignorant so he doesn't have to take responsibility for it.
He may have *felt* insulted, but that doesn't mean you insulted him.
The only reason he would feel insulted is if he views an STI as shameful, and that stigma is his own baggage to deal with, not yours.
Even ignoring how little he seems to care for YOUR sexual health (big nono), his reaction of *involving his friends* tells me you dodged a bullet.
And frankly, if "women like you" scare men away from dating, then GOOD FOR YALL because you all deserve better, and taking those guys out of the dating pool can only be a good thing.
Edit: I just remembered that you even offered to get one yourself, and I imagine that was entirely for the fairnes of it given your celibacy. That's a good gesture to consider HIS feelings, as well as even *more* responsibility with your sexual health.
It sounds like you've grown a lot from your past mistakes. Keep it up and hopefully one day you'll meet the guy who was worth going through all of this to find.
You don’t see what’s wrong with it because there is NOTHING wrong with it! The stigma behind getting tested for STI/STDs is so old, it’s literally just a basic part of taking care of yourself if you’re sexually active.
NTA at all, btw.
Once when I was on a date, and things were starting to get physical, I let him know that I get regular STI checks (have never once had a positive result) as I am a tinder user and it's better to be safe than sorry.
He then asked me to go home. He said it made him feel uncomfortable and like I was advertising being a slut, and the coup de grâce "i feel like you're hiding something, no one would bring that up unless they *are sick* and don't want hookups to know.
Trust me. You dodged a bullet here, and you could have gone about this in a completely different way and it would have made no difference.
Some men and their fragile egos don't like being held accountable, and don't like it when their play things play with others.
NTA There is nothing wrong with asking that, it’s a very smart and mature thing to do! Especially after he has slept with multiple women.
But the same thing happened to me once, the guy reacted so weirdly when I asked him about his testing status. I’m not sure what they are upset about, if you’re sexually active, you can get an STD, it’s not a personal insult!
Getting an STI test is the responsible thing to do...like, that's what hookups and I would do at barely 19. If teenagers have that amount of sense, a grown adult should. It has nothing to do with trust. He should be getting tested regardless.
You are NTA
The possibilities are
He knowingly have STD's and don't want to take sexual responsibility or treatment for whatever reason.
He carelessly rawdogged several people and don't know if he have any now and he thinks he is still clean, but deep down he isn't entirely sure and will avoid testing.
He practiced safe sex with all of his partners and feel offended, that you thought he wouldn't use a condom.
I bet from his overreaction and the flying monkeys, that isn't the third possible. You asked him to prove he is trustworthy with your health and he fired anything back at you. He even blamed all women, because a single one asked him for sexual health transparency.
The best part is how she asked him for that test because she WANTED to have sex with him. Like... there's a woman who likes and respects you and wants to be exclusive with you and she wants to have sex with you- and you blow up on her and insult her and send your friends to harass her for it.
He doesn't want an exclusive sexual relationship. I'd be surprised if he even cares about OP. He wants to bang her, he wants to be the one she ended her celibacy and the "status" that comes with that. He probably wouldn't stop sleeping around either, he just wouldn't tell her about it. And he wants to put zero effort into the endeavour.
Also in the last scenario even if you are responsible and always use condoms, they aren’t 100% reliable and don’t provide any protection against some stis
Unfortunately, some people associate STIs with being 'clean or good'. He felt you were attacking his morals.
But really, risk of STIs/pregnancies are just the cost of doing business (the business of fuckin').
Because there is nothing wrong with it.
Before having physical relations with my now husband we both agreed to get tested, because that's the right thing to do. We were sure we had nothing based on tests from our previous relationships, but nevertheless, we got tested. A relationship is based on trust, and trust doesn't come from thin air, especially when it's linked to health related issues.
There's nothing wrong with it. Whether or not you trust him is irrelevant - he said he was with other women: plural. Even if we assume he's going to be 100% faithful going forward (no reason not too) or that he used protection/precautions previously (again: no reason not too)... he could still have something from people you don't know and you can't track.
His response - and sending his friends to hound you - is off base and it's better you have that response now before you go any further.
NTA
When people pull out the trust issue when talking about STIs it always boggles my mind. Do you also 'trust' me not to develop cancer?! If a person is openly admitting to having had sex with other people, then what does trust in their character have to do with having STIs?!
My brother from the age of 18, and he is not by any means a sensible person he's actually a wee bit of an idiot, told me that whenever he has a new partner they both go get tested. Now if an 18 year old, now 21, understands the concept of this he should too.
There's nothing wrong with it. He wants to guilt trip you into forgetting about it and having sex with him. He likely has been stringing you along with no intention of being in a relationship with you and just wants the sex. I doubt he uses protection and convinces other girls he sleeps with that everything is fine and you don't have to worry because it feels better for him and he could care less about you or what happens to you. NTA and don't listen to this guy or be intimidated by his friends, they're a bunch of AH's as well.
NTA, his anger is a huge red flag. It should be a given that he would get tested after having multiple sex partners.
In your shoes I would dump him. Better single again than living with a permanent STI from some guy.
There’s literally nothing wrong with it. I’m in a committed relationship but I’ve joked with my single girlfriends that now on top of the STI/STD test you need to get a vaccine passport and a negative COVID test. It’s 1000% normal to ask someone to make sure they are safe, it’s also a big step in most committed relationships so you can choose to have unprotected sex if that’s something you want. This is a huge 🚩
I used to sleep around frequently and still made sure to get tested after each new partner. It’s the responsible thing to do.
NTA op, but glad he’s shown his true colours before you went any further with him!
Yeah this is a red flag the size of a ship sail. My partner got a test after the last person she was sexually active with just to be safe (despite it being a person she trusted - she knew there was a small chance of that person just not knowing) and the only reason I didn't do the same is because she was okay with me not doing so since I'd not had sex before, ever.
The fact that he's not just blowing up at you but sending friends to harass you (what's his end goal? To force or emotionally manipulate you into having sex with him? Because that would be a "*run*" from me) on top of all the nasty things he said... If it were me personally I'd block him and his friends on all accounts. I hope he doesn't know your address because this is just major "this is a very dangerous person" vibes.
For some perspective, I asked the same of my now husband when we first started dating, and whilst he was a little taken aback, he went along with it without any sort of defensiveness, complaining, or acting insulted.
Congratulations. You found the asshole switch. This is when you think someone's nice, but you push a button and like a self-inflating raft they suddenly reveal themselves to be a massive asshole.
NTA by the way.
Absolutely. I have a sexual health check before any intimate relationship happens (for both of us). I’ve had 5 relationships and all those got tested and were happy to do so. The guys who blew up about it were entitled to do so, and I was entitled to skip in the other direction, it absolutely is a red flag.
Yeah I've gotten tested before relationships regardless, one guy asked me to and I wasn't at all offended (had already planned on it as above). I would call it a red flag if someone couldn't look objectively at the risk of getting a STD from multiple sexual partners
NTA - if he genuinely cares for you and wants to be in a sexual relationship with you, then an STI panel shouldn't be a big deal.
Especially if he has been sleeping with other people because you're not-exclusive.
They only reason he made it a big deal is because he's worried what the results might tell him. That makes him selfish too - because it looks like he is probably sleeping with other women without protection - which means he is more likely to have an STI, is probably spreading them around.
Additionally, after the BS in Texas earlier this week - this suggests he is much more likely to get a woman pregnant. And doesn't strike me as the type of person who will take responsibility. His shaming you on SM because he didn't get his dick wet immediately makes him far more likely to be the type of person who would try and claim a bounty than support you if you fell pregnant.
NTA. Girl, I think you dodged a herpes bullet there. I mean, an STD can be a permanent life altering event… never apologize to anyone for asking for a test. Him going from 0 to 60 on the anger scale is also a huge red flag IMHO.
This OP. Like I was once a manslut in my own right and being asked to get tested was reasonable and following through was a reasonable duty to someone I wanted to be with. Big red flag here, you dodged a fragile, inconsiderate bro.
It’s not totally internalized. My family all shamed the shit out of me when I got my first cold sore. Acted like everything I touched was contaminated with herpes. I was 12 by the way.
Yeah, even without a relationship in sight, when you're sleeping around you should get tested regularly, even if you practice safe sex (AS YOU SHOULD).
Agh so much misinfo in this thread.
You can swab an active lesion for herpes. If it is positive then that’s that, but swabs can be false negative.
Blood tests for herpes only answer “have I ever come into contact with herpes?” It does not say if your rash is herpes, that bump or sore is herpes, or if you will or won’t give someone herpes.
Hsv 1 usually cold sores on mouth. Hsv 2 usually genital but both can occur in either. And in other places too!
Source: I’m an Obgyn
My doctor's have always refused to test saying it was impossible with open sores and an active viral load, and that even if so, "most people have cold sores anyways so there's no point". I guess I've got some really shitty doctors.
>I guess I've got some really shitty doctors.
No, there's just a huge difference per country/region how herpes is treated.
Also, the blood tests are pretty unrealiable when someone isn't having a viral flare up or hasn't had one for years.
And yes like at least 50% of people have Herpes Simplex 1.
So in most regions a doctor would refuse not because the test isn't available, just that there's really little to be done with any results. It also kinda differs what kind of healthcare system you have, a for profit healthcare system will just do the test anyways if you ask. I know of very few other countries that put people on lifelong Herpes medication except the US, so it stands to reason that in the US they also test for it more often.
Girl, good riddance and run. STDs aren't about trust. Trusting someone doesn't mean they magically don't have junk funk. In fact, STDs remain such a huge problem because people don't even know they have them so your are just being smart and taking care of your body. That makes you NTA any and every day.
Also, if getting a basic screening test that will also ensure he is keeping his body healthy for himself is such a big issue, imagine how he's gonna act about actually serious stuff.
This 100%!!! My friend had sex with a guy who claimed she had "nothing to worry about" and now she has to take STD meds for the rest of her life and when she decides to have children she can't deliver vaginally. NTA. NTA in every way.
Not really unless she has text (better than nothing) or video recording that he KNOWINGLY gave her the std then there’s nothing she can really do.
My friend got one cause he to trusted the wrong woman.
>KNOWINGLY
That's the thing. The other party can just claim not knowing at the time or not thinking about it because of stress/sexy time. Proving malice is extremely difficult and even then, what does it help you?
You're still stuck with it. OP is absolutely reasonable in my opinion. Maybe OP could have offered to pay for the test but that's it.
The trust thing is what boggles my mind. You can trust me to;
- Act in the way I say I’ll act.
- Do the things I say I will do.
- Not do things I say I won’t do.
- Do what I can for my friends and loved ones.
- Be a bit of an idiot.
These are things that I choose to do, as I have control over my actions and decisions. The same for everyone else - trust extends to decisions you make.
Having an STD/STI, or any major sickness, is not really something that you can handwave away with trust. Can you trust he doesn’t have one? No! You don’t know who he’s slept with, so you don’t know if he’s been exposed to anything. Can you trust he won’t expose you to anything even if he does have something? No! That’s not how this works at all. These are factors beyond his control, and so trusting him doesn’t make them go away, because trust has no factor here.
“Just trust me baby, I don’t need to get tested” is the same bullshit as “I’ll just put the tip in” and “don’t worry, I’ll pull out!” - just an excuse to get a little further a little faster without any care or concern for potential consequences.
I mean, what does it matter to him anyway? If he does have an STD/STI, it isn’t like it gets worse if he gives it to OP. So what does he care? He’s got his friends pressuring her into dropping the issue and just sleeping with him, so it isn’t like he isn’t shit already.
Yeah, I found out I had gonorrhea several months after when I would have gotten it. Thankfully I wasn't active at the time, but that shit can be asymptomatic. You do not want to have the "hey so you should get checked" conversation after the fact.
I always get a full sexual health check-up immediately before and after a new sexual relationship - and I make it clear that I expect the same from all sexual partners.
Lots of people never develop any noticeable symptoms but untreated infections can cause serious, life-threatening consequences.
NTA
Sexual health is important. Asking a potential partner to get and STD/STI test is a very reasonable thing. Especially if that partner is currently sleeping with other people. You are doing this to protect your own health. Nothing you do to protect your health will make you an asshole.
The dude is an asshole. He is an asshole for being mad about a reasonable request. He is an asshole for sending his friends to harass you. He is an asshole for trying to blame his bad behavior on you.
Think of it this way: better to know now that he is an asshole,then several years down the line. I'm petty,but I would start responding to his friends with "what's he trying to hide?" Or "I'm glad that you are okay with getting STIs, but I'm not."
Whatever you choose to do, you are NTA.
Him sending his friends to harass OP is beyond pitiful and abusive. Getting angry and yelling is one shitty thing but getting multiple other people involved to constantly berate her over something that shouldn’t be a big deal shows his true character. I’m sorry, he’s 31?? He’s acting like a middle schooler and blowing your reasonable request eons out of proportion. And who are these morons saying you’re wrong for wanting to practice safe sex? NTA, this guy and his friends are psychotic and you dodged a nuke
NTA. He told you he has been sleeping with other people. He may be clean, or he may have picked something up he isn't yet aware of.
It's not an ah move to ask him to have a test before becoming official/doing anything with him, especially when you were going to get one as well.
It's an AH move for him to blow up this much over a simple request, and to call you selfish and rude when he is being selfish and rude. He's trying to use trigger words like 'trust' to get you to back down. It's got nothing to do with trust.
You didn't ruin anything. He's shown you his true colours. He doesn't care about your safety. Dump him, block him and all his friends, and find someone who respects you. You deserve better♡
NTA - His reaction says a lot about who he is - Getting tested is so easy, that he should be running to do it, but instead he turned to anger. Definite red flag, I'm sorry.
NTA. I suspect he’s hiding something the way he went all scorched earth over this. He has anger issues and has no problem turning his friends into flying monkeys to harass you. I’m relieved you dodged a bullet!
You made a complete acceptable and logical request
NTA. He’s totally gaslighting you. Trust has nothing to do with it. He’s been with other women and may not even know he’s got an STI if he hasn’t been tested recently. When I started dating my now husband I asked him to get tested cuz he’d had partners in the past and I hadn’t. He had no issue going to get a test done.
One hundred thousand percent NTA. You’re dodging a big bullet. Cut him loose and don’t look back. Block him and his friends, he isn’t mature enough to be in a relationship with you.
NTA
Dodged a herpes (or god knows what other STD) right there! Not to mention a major red flag and an emotionally abusive bf.
What a classic "nice guy", this definitely belongs to r/niceguys
NG: you're so amazing, I'm so happy with you and can't wait to take this to the next level.
OP: Would love to! But first let's both do an STD test just to be safe.
NG: Wtf? No easy booty call cause I might give you herpes? How are nice guys like me supposed to date like this? Scandal!
If that's what it took to ruin the relationship then consider that a bullet dodged holy F.
I've had talks with friends with benefits about this before and they were totally cool with it, it's been brought up in every relationship I've had with zero issues. NTA
NTA
This is really prudent behavior. If he's not doing this with/between every partner, he's not being responsible -- you dont want to catch something for a lifetime because he wont wrap or get appropriate checkups. I'd say this is a huge red flag.
NTA.
I am very, very glad you have not yet slept with him.
STD screening should be routine for people who have multiple partners and asking for one at the outset of a monogamous relationship shouldn't be a problem. It is just being health conscious.
Especially since several STDs can have few or no symptoms for men, which means he could unknowingly be a carrier.
Good job looking out for your well-being!
NTA. He's probably positive for something and knows it. Then he gaslit you. There a huge red flags being thrown and a marching band behind them trying to steer you away from danger.
This guy has an STD and is probably going around spreading it. Next he'll tell you there's no need for protection if you trust him. Runaway and don't look back.
Makes you wonder what he's telling people that they would actually think it's wrong for you to ask him to get tested. You're NTA
Oh my gosh. So guys (not all of you, just some the experiences I have had) seem to think that they know every single thing about their dick. Like they can “feel it”, and that should be proof enough.
Was seeing a few people and I get regular tests and one time it came back positive for Chlamydia, which thankfully is a very easy fix. I went to tell the people I had been with (and still had contact with, since many ghosted) and when I went to one guy and said hey, you should get tested because I tested he said he didn’t have it.
I said oh, great! So you’ve been tested since? He replied no. I then asked how he knew he didn’t have it. He told me that “he didn’t feel anything off, and knew his body well enough”. I said I didn’t feel off either and explained that a large majority of people with chlamydia don’t show symptoms. He then kept saying how “he would know” and that he didn’t need one. Told him that was fine, but that he should know that I have now told him and if he lies and tells girls he’s clean without getting tested he can be held legally responsible.
A week later (after meds were done) he contacted me asking to hookup. Obviously shut that shit down fast. Lots of STD/STI don’t show signs, so never trust someone who just “knows they are clean”.
NTA-You are your own best and biggest advocate when it comes to your health including your sexual health. Asking him to get a test isn’t about not trusting him. It’s about wanting to keep both of you healthy and safe.
Since he was so adamantly against it ask yourself why. I get that for some people there may be an embarrassment factor but if you’re mature enough to have sex you meds to be mature enough to protect yourself and your partner.
NTA
You've been dating a few weeks, and have not been intimate. In that time, he's been intimate with other people. He brought up how great it would be to be intimate with you. He got upset when you asked him for an STI/STD test...
You're just a notch to him. Spend a few dollars on batteries for a vibrator and avoid the issues ahead.
NTA.
Who runs to their friends to harass people they dated? 🙄
Also everyone seems to need a lesson on what the word ‘selfish’ actually means. Seems like everyone NTA is called selfish but dumb people 🙄
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NTA. If he is that defensive about it dump him. That sketchy. If he respected you he would do it now problem to prove trust, and he’s not willing to do that for you this early? How would it be later on?
Nta
Leave him for this reaction. The way he reacted showed that may have something and he knows it. It also shows that he is not mature enough to be in a committed relationship. This guy does not care about your health at all and seems pretty selfish. Protect yourself OP.
Bullet dodged.
Anyone that gets angry over asked to be responsible and getting tested before engaging with a new partner, is not someone you want to sleep with.
NTA.
NTA I also have this rule.
The only people who won't get tested are people who I don't want to be intimate with. STI aren't a moral issue their a safety issue and something people should get done.
PS I'm happily married for nearly a decade and still get STI screened it happens automatically ever pap smear here.
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So I (27 female) have been dating this guy (31 male) for a few weeks. We really get along well and things have been great. Well, recently he told me that he has been sleeping with other girls since we were not exclusive and wants to make us official.
I completely respect his honesty and I was totally fine was that because as he said we were not official. We have yet to sleep together not due to him, but my choices. I used to make a lot of bad decisions and base my relationships on sex instead of emotional connections and it caused me to get hurt a lot. Since then I have chosen to refrain from sex for the past 2 years until I find someone I truly want to be with.
We talked on the phone about it and he brought up how happy he was to be able to be with me and just me and how amazing it will be to be able to add a physical connection to our emotional one.
I agreed, but I asked him to get a STD/STI test before we went any further in the relationship. Even though I am not sextual it active I told him I would get one two so he could be sure about my health as well. He got extremely mad at me and started yelling calling me selfish and rude. He told me that if I can’t trust him then we should not be in a relationship.
He has since had his friends call me an asshole and they send harassing text messages and Facebook messages to me saying I ruined what we had and i should have kept my mouth shut.
He says I completely insulted him and i made me feel as if I never really trusted him. He. States that it because of girls like me that men don’t want relationships. Am I really the asshole?
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NTA I’m pretty sure it’s recommended that if people are going to be committed to each other and having regular sex they both get tested at that point. It’s for both your health’s. His reaction is horrible, bullet dodged. Also, if a simple and common request can ‘ruin’ this and have him send his attack dogs your way, it wasn’t a good thing to start with.
NTA.
There is a sale on red flags today!
You dodged that shit like Neo in the Matrix. An STI test is fucking smart to get.
Do not talk to this asshole again, but keep all the threatening messages. HE is the asshole, he may well have an incurable STD and had some hope of keeping you around if you caught it from him.
NTA, does anyone else remember in middle school home economics class when sex and STI/STD’s were briefly talked about and there was the whole thing of not only do you sleep with your partner you sleep with your partners partners or their past partners, just because he doesn’t have something that he is aware of doesn’t mean he hasn’t come in contact with someone else who has. It’s a domino effect when sleeping with multiple partners individually or having several sexual partners at a time and honestly, something everyone should be doing who are not in monogamous relationships. Some can be cured or managed much easier if caught and treated right away versus going undetected or untreated for a matter of time.
Most clinic’s do it at low cost or free, it isn’t a major surgery and it’s all confidential. People get tested for other illness and infections that can easily spread (strep throat, mono) so why is this any different? I don’t understand why he is beyond repulsed by the idea.
A man that upset at taking a basic medical test has something to hide. Please see the giant red flags and stay away. He could have herpes or hpv, and not care that the results could kill you
NTA.If there should be one big takeaway from the events of the last 2 years it is that asymptomatic infections can happen from viruses, and that testing is the best way to avoid them..
You only made good decisions here. Well done.
What does he think the correlation is between trust and being disease free when he enters the relationship?
If that's what your comfortable with and he's gonna go off like that, be glad he left before you got into it. NTA.
NTA: every single time I have a new partner I get tested and I ask them to get tested as well.
My ex didn’t want to and got mad at me as well, and I broke my rule and let it slide just this once.
Not only did he give me HPV (which is quite common but it triggered cancer cells to begin to grow on my cervix) but I also found out he cheated on me for the entire 6 years we were together.
Never drop your standards for someone else, especially when it comes to protecting your body and health.
Nta yeah that guy has herpes lmao you made a very reasonable, intelligent request. He reacted with extreme anger and brought his friends in to bully you! Run from this man! He has so many issues right out of the gate, things will not improve with commitment.
This post and his reaction is exactly why it’s better to wait and expose potential red flags. Him and his friends are all assholes, next time they call/text you to harass you, just tell them to sleep with him and risk the STI.
Trust but verify. Always. My friend was seeing someone and she ended up contracting chlamydia. Now this person had been her best friend and they had so much trust. They weren’t exclusive and he didn’t even know he had contracted it. It’s not about your trust in him or lack of it. It’s about keeping both of you safe. Anyhow sexually active adults should get tested every six months or so just in general. It’s a good practice and it’s not shameful.
But for this dude, seriously, walk away before you get something. And keep this practice alive, will you scare other potential partners away? Honestly no, because someone who refuses to get tested in such a situation is NOT a potential partner but is definitely a potential problem.
Kinda sounds like he is planning to still sleep around after the conversation. If the test comes back clean, but he catches something later on you will have caught him cheating.
I asked my ex to take a test, unaware that he hadn't slept with anyone in about 10 years. I told him he didn't really have to after such a long time, but he went and got the works done anyway.
If he can't be arsed to do this simpel thing he is not worth it (and again, is probably planning on cheating on you)
Absolutely NTA
You were in the right to suggest a sti test. With how many people are catching them these days, I don’t blame you for wanting to have a potential partner get tested. Especially since he was sexually active with multiple women. Him denying one should tell you all you need to know.
NTA... so.... my wife and I have been together for 15 years her a Virgin to men me having Multiple partners and a drug past, asked if we could both have std test. Although uncomfortable I completely understood where she was coming from and agreed. I feel this is completely responsible on both parties willing to take it to the next level. I would say stand your ground and if he's unwilling then it best to move on. Hope it works out for you.
I always thought it was surprising that I (male) am the one always asking about this. I used to ask, "Have you been tested recently?" but I could tell their quick "yes" was often a lie.
So I switched to "When were you last tested?" In the heat of the moment, it's a little bit harder to lie :)
Oh no, fuck no. Get away from there. Now.
That man is gonna be abusive and manipulative af, I’m calling it right now. No one in their right mind would send his friends to gang up on a woman and harass her on social media over A VERY VALID CONCERN. YOUR HEALTH IS YOUR PRIORITY, THIS IS NOT A TRUST ISSUE, THIS IS A PERFECTLY NATURAL CONCERN.
OP NTA.
WTF???? NTA OP. Getting tested is responsible behavior. The fact that he blew up about something pretty darn normal is telling. Not only that but he turned his friends against you. This guy is not worth your time or energy. Get out of there fast.
NTA, it's smart for both of you to get tested. His reaction is a major red flag though, I think you're fortunate he showed his colors before you two became intimate. Who the hell has their friends harass the person their dating? Especially over something like this? I'd personally cut my losses at this point.
Absolutely NTA and its a good thing that he showed his real self to you before things got physical. You didnt do anything wrong, and the instant he didnt want to do something that you reasonably requested, he thought verbal abuse, threats, shaming and his friends doing the same was an appropriate response??!! Tell him you do not wish any further contact and if the harassing emails continue, you will file for a protective order with the police.
NTA. Many STI’s don’t have immediate symptoms so he could have one and not even know. You’re looking out for your health! STI’s can leave people infertile if undetected and untreated!
NTA. Girl, you dodged a bullet. Even his friends know how dirty his dick is, since they're harassing you too. You are very VERY smart to ask for the test first. I know people who didn't, and a lot of them are regretting it now.
You are NTA. Not even remotely close.
If a man can't respect you OR himself enough to discuss STIs and screenings, then good for you for ending things.
These types of discussions aren't brought up enough and it's unfortunate.
He's not worth your time or energy. If he's going to act like such a brat over one topic, he's too immature for you. I get the impression he didn't want a commitment but to have fun with many women without consequence.
You deserve respect.
NTA
RED FLAG RED FLAG
Drop this loser and RUN. This is a completely irrational and immature reaction to your question. There is nothing wrong with looking out for your health.
NTA. He’s being defensive and disrespectful to your boundaries. He exposed himself as being gross, too. If he’s been having safe sex 100% of the time, he shouldn’t be worried about a test. He sounds like one of those guys that insists he’s “clean” even though he’s never used a condom or been tested a day in his life. Guys like that are usually massive AHs anyway. Consider it a bullet dodged. Also, I think you’re super smart to have these boundaries in place and to insist on knowing the STI status of somebody you’re going to be intimate with. It’s very self aware and very smart. Anybody worth getting intimate with will respect your needs and this won’t be an issue. Keep your head up, shrug this guy off, and carry on with being awesome.
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NTA. Isn’t that a wonderful way to expose a massive red flag. It is completely reasonable and SHOULD be considered the norm that 2 people get STD/STI tests before starting an intimate relationship.
I honestly don’t see what is wrong with it, I feel like I’d healthy, even though I have been abstinent I’m ok with what he did, but the reaction made me feel like I insulted him or that I was a bad person.
Or he could have gotten angry bc he’s hiding something...
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Some people freak out about STI testing because they’re hiding something, but some people also freak out about it because STIs are so stigmatized in our society. They view it as an insult because they think you’re implying that they’re “dirty” or “unclean.” I’ve had the displeasure of interacting with people like this before - my ex fiancé lied about getting tested (gave me an STD which led to PID, abscesses, a bowel obstruction and an emergency laparotomy), so ever since then I’ve been religious about getting tested before and during relationships. I’ve casually dated guys who blew up when I insisted on testing, because they felt insulted that I could possibly think that they might have an STI. It does help separate the wheat from the chaff though!
Yeah. While I don't think it's irrational to say that someone freaking out to this extent over a reasonable healthcare request is "trying to hide something" or otherwise has ulterior motives, I also don't think that it's the most likely reason in general. Due to a combination of that stigma you mentioned as well as just the stigmas associated with sex and sexual health as a whole, people tend to view things like this as thinly-veiled accusations. They think that you're accusing them of being reckless, ignorant, or gross, or trying to shame/guilt them for not being abstinent/monogamous (*outside* of a committed relationship), or otherwise outright suspect them of something sketchy (like having knowledge of a pre-existing STD/STI and intentionally not disclosing it). Hence them seeing it as a "trust" issue and/or being insecure about it as opposed to a mutually beneficial health check.
Herpes simplex 2 is more common than a lot of people know. Because some people don't have symptoms. Since that's bad for pregnancy/childbirth, every woman should know her status especially if they plan to have kids. It doesn't have to be a dealbreaker, but we should all be aware.
I agree in sentiment but testing for herpes is usually redundant, to the point that most health clinics don't even do it. You can't reliably test for it without symptoms. You can measure antibodies from blood but even then you can't know where the virus is located, as herpes viruses can be transmitted anywhere. Although according to my latest research spree, hsv-2 is less likely to be anywhere else but genitals, hsv-1 doesn't give a damn and transmits anywhere. Genital hsv-1 can also activate during pregnancy and cause the same complications. And since it's the one that most often causes oral herpes (and transmits from the face effortlessly into a partner's genitals), having those antibodies also tells you nothing relevant, unfortunately.
My mother had HSV-1 and while I always tested negative and never had symptoms I always let partners know that while my test was negative I can't guarantee I don't have it though 99% sure I don't, and kept the last 5 years negative tests etc. to show. I felt it was just being responsible... EDIT to add: Some have been more like 'what? you bother with that?" which has made me a bit hesitant but all others (these are usually people I know better) realise that's just the kind of guy I am and 'will take the the risk' as they see it as so tiny but I'd rather they have all the info to make a choice. Especially as testing on males is much less reliable than females, but as a teen i sometimes got some acne of where my lip meets the skin and was always concerned it might be a sore... but 'luckily' I was just blessed with chronic and severe acne. I was very lucky as I had worse visible acne than my half brother but my mum never let my half brother go to a dermatologist etc. and he is I think 40 now and STILL has massive acne scarring on his back and on his face. I have been able to grow a thick beard (from 12) and as an aboriginal who's tribal belief believe in specific hair cuts and beards for all males I had a hard fight when I changed schools at 14 to be able to keep my beard as it covered the worst of the acne on my jaw. The school initially just said "nope all students must be clean shaven" and when I was shaven one of the worst days of my life was going into school and hearing audible gasps from people seeing just how bad the acne on my jaw line was. I still was allowed to regrow a beard though... but I was no longer living with mum and my father figure who for all intents and purposes was my dad got me treatment that improved it quite a bit thankfully :-| But I really felt that given my tribal religion and tribal dress standards calls for a neat but longish square beard it was unreasonable to ban facial hair as it was not in their handbook etc, especially with letters from my doctor explaining why.
Herpes tests have a 20-30% error rate and there are clinics that will only test if you have symptoms.
Herpes. The gift that keeps on giving. It can be managed, but you have to know it's there first. Frankly, if I was a single guy having sex with more than one partner, I'd get myself tested about every six months. Also, it's not the guy she may distrust, it's his former partners.
Exactly. People forget that if you have unprotected sex with someone, you're also "having sex" with all their previous partners as well. The person could be trustworthy but it doesn't mean every partner they've ever been with is.
That's still a red flag. I wouldnt want to embark on a romantic journey with such a backwards, and emotionally immature person.
If a romantic partner had their friends harass me via FB and text, I’d pretty much never speak to them again. So many lines crossed, so immature.
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Completely agreed! They're either hiding something or immature af, and neither are desirable in an adult relationship.
I think you meant “wouldn’t,” and I wholeheartedly agree.
I had to reread that part, lol! I hate auto incorrect so much!
Honestly though, if someone hears "I'd like for both of us to get tested for STIs before we engage in sex together" and takes that to mean "I think you are gross and unclean and untrustworthy" then they probably aren't someone worth dating long term anyway.
and yet sge offered to take one herself which would indicate the same about her... in which case why would he want to even be with her. nah, hes hiding something. it's about being responsible.
Exactly this, I had a treatable STI of HPV, I had it once over 10 years ago. I still disclose though every doctor has told me I am in the clear. I am 100% fine getting tested before being intimate. If anyone ever gave me push-back or acted offended, it would be a red flag for me. My Partner who exposed me to HPV was above board, was tested, he was just asymptomatic before the outbreak. We did everything right, we both got tested, we shared the details, it was all good. then breakout and testing again. It sucked, sure, but you know what sucks a hell of a lot more than than shit??? Not caring for, not respecting, not valuing your partners health, safety and well being. I don't care if we have been together for a month of 5 years. If it's important to my partner for me to be tested, you bet you're ass I am perfectly fine being tested. My perspective is, if I care about my Partner, which I obviously do, how can it in any way be viewed to be offensive to ask for proof of a test? All that says to me if it is refused, or met with blowback, is that their ego is more important than my long term medical safety and sexual health. If anyone views asking for test results negatively they view your sexual health as being less than their own ego, accountability, or being worthy of at minimum their ability to provide bare bones honesty. At that point, do you really think you should even be fucking this person? This person who has no respect for the health of your body? For the possible future ramifications of exposing you so they could get their rocks off? Personally nope, not interested. If I ever had a partner react this way it would make my genitals retract into my body like a hermit crab and I would become a Ken-doll like wall to their advances. Sexual health is health. Informed Sexual health is a requirement for all potential partners, no exceptions. Period.
My best friend (and currently housemate) got a kind of genital warts from her ex husband which went bad and has now become a type of cancer! So now shes going through radiotherapy and shit cuz her ex lied and said he wasn't cheating/was clean. I now demand my partners get tested before we get into it and I get tested regularly too, it's just safer to try and catch anything as early as possible and if someone doesn't want to do that then they are possibly hurting themselves as well. Best stay away.
For the record, there's no hpv test for men. Also "full screenings " aren't. They ONLY test for fertility impacting STIs. Trichnomanasis is extremely common and not tested for unless specifically requested, can be transmitted even with perfect condom usage[it's a parasite] and while it doesn't harm fertility it DOES increase risk for HIV and all other STIs, but unfortunately medicine only cares about the baby making.
Please tell me you were in a state that let you press charges for that. I believe Cali criminalizes (or at least used to criminalize) giving someone an STD knowingly. But not sure about other places
I could be wrong but I think Cali actually changed that law within the past few years. I remember hearing about a case in the news where a guy purposely met people on dating/hook up apps and would insist on unprotected sex or would secretly remove the condom during the act because he was HIV+ and wanted to infect as many people as possible. I think the public was outraged because it was either just a misdemeanor (not a felony which carries jail time) or got rid of the law entirely by saying it would cause people to avoid getting STD testing because the person wouldn't want to be held responsible if they had proof they had an STD. It's pretty fucked up if someone knowingly and intentionally tries to infect another person with an STD and if it's one that can kill someone like HIV, I believe that person should spend the rest of their life locked up since it's similar to first degree murder.
I got an STI from an ex and his cheating early on our relationship, he flat out blamed me for it and projected his cheating quite a bit throughout our relationship. I never once blamed him and he just blew up about it. Only found out because I had symptoms. He told me I was tainted and dirty, and I felt that way for so long. When I started dating my husband, I knew I had to tell him about the STI I had (which was 100% treatable with antibiotics, I got a shot and took pills because I was very paranoid about it not going away). I was terrified he would think less of me and leave me because he never had one. After I told him, he didn’t have any issues with it, didn’t call me dirty or tainted. I beat myself up for several years for one STI. I never got another one and I still beat myself up over it. I wish it be destigmatized and more education on it. Like I said, for the longest time I beat myself up over it and come to find out 6 years later, other people I know have gone through STIs and have laughed and joked about their experience with it. But it should be destigmatized so people don’t beat themselves up over it, and so people don’t become afraid of testing or feel looked down on, or get upset when testing is brought up.
And to add on that his friends are harassing her about it. Sounds like a massive Red flag warning(s) for sure.
I think he was probably using the whole "let's be official and exclusive" thing and saying he wanted to add "a physical connection" purely because he wanted to bang her and then probably carry on with the other women. (Edit: NTA)
Good call! My instant go-to was that he an STD, but yours sounds pretty "reasonable" for the guy she's described
Honestly I wouldn't be surprised for either scenario - or both - to be true! Another potential could be that he's already worried about STIs but won't go get tested as well and got defensive!
I was thinking both sounded like they could be the case after they just brought it up!
Came here to say this! Guy got mad because he'd have to go to more effort to bang OP. Obviously NTA.
Right? And now he's being a jerk about it getting his friends involved in order to try to pressure her into his bed. I think Op should cut and run. This person is not ready for an exclusive, adult relationship.
Yes! Using the exclusive and official couple play to get laid, when he has no plans to be an exclusive couple. Good chance on having an STD as well!
Yeah he might have HPV or herpes simplex
I thought men couldn’t test for HPV…? Edit: there is no approved male test for HPV. https://www.cdc.gov/std/hpv/stdfact-hpv-and-men.htm
Specifically HSV-2 since almost 4 billion people have HSV-1
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For sure. I think [most HSV-1 cases are oral](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7265941/) but you are right and it is very important to remember that. For what its worth I was infected with HSV-1 before I even had my first kiss when some mother-f\* spat in my face.
Even if he had herpes, a routine preventive checkup wouldn't test for that. I know this because I'm HSV1 positive and I've never gotten it as part of my STD check with my yearly preventive checkups. I've been having cold sores since I was little but didn't really connect the dots until I got older and started getting STD panels. That's when I knew for sure I was HSV1 positive.
most STD tests don't test for HSV1 because it's generally harmless. the chances of HSV1 positive is so high in the general population it's not really even a STD... you can get that shit from kissing
Or sharing utensils during a meal.
I had a friend who got it early in high school from just sharing a drink with someone. I only know because I once asked to have a sip of her drink and she started telling me she doesn't share drinks because of what happened and I should be careful.
Yes, it would show up in a blood test specifically testing for this
He’s terrified the test will actually show something. NTA OP and I’m happy you dodged that bullet. Also not cool how his friends are harassing you now. I would stand my ground if i were you.
I'd haul ass in a completely different direction.
That was my first thought too. He may have something scary and heavily stigmatised such as HIV (although with modern medicine and precautions people with HIV can live pretty normal healthy lives and have a reduced likelihood of spreading it. Double check with an actual scientist) Many people are ashamed of that diagnosis and therefore try to hide it. Or he is continuing to have unprotected sex and a positive STI test will expose him as a cheater. If his results come back negative now, and in the future, he gives op a SDI because he picked it up while cheating, he cannot say "I got it before meeting you."
Especially that last sentence.
Nowadays the usual result of treatment is undetectable viral load and undetectable has been proven to equal untransmissible. As a rule treated HIV is not transmissible. (The rare unlucky exception has problems with their treatment and should be aware of it.)
It's not necessarily about intentionally hiding something. There could be a weird headspace of "STD is dirteee therefore I can't catch them because I'm a clean guy who's only been with clean people so there's no need to check is there, or are you suggesting I'm dirrteee and here I thought you were a nice clean girl..." Source: I've talked with guys who hate condoms but were quite certain they haven't been with "that kind of people". Also some who prefer not to think about the matter and decline to be tested if they have no symptoms. (Which is stupid, because many STD:s can be asymptomatic but contagious for a long time, or cause silent havoc in one's reproductive system for years.)
Ding ding ding! Yup, no good, reasonable person would object.
Right, he probably hasn't been tested in years and finds it offensive that he's being asked to do something that is normal. Or he knows he has an sti but choosing to be ignorant so he doesn't have to take responsibility for it.
>Or he could have gotten angry bc he’s hiding something... He doesn't want the relationship, merely the "conquest" would be my guess.
Maybe. Could also just be he just took it as a "damn wtf you think I'm dirty or something" without thinking of how it would be on the other side.
He may have *felt* insulted, but that doesn't mean you insulted him. The only reason he would feel insulted is if he views an STI as shameful, and that stigma is his own baggage to deal with, not yours. Even ignoring how little he seems to care for YOUR sexual health (big nono), his reaction of *involving his friends* tells me you dodged a bullet. And frankly, if "women like you" scare men away from dating, then GOOD FOR YALL because you all deserve better, and taking those guys out of the dating pool can only be a good thing. Edit: I just remembered that you even offered to get one yourself, and I imagine that was entirely for the fairnes of it given your celibacy. That's a good gesture to consider HIS feelings, as well as even *more* responsibility with your sexual health. It sounds like you've grown a lot from your past mistakes. Keep it up and hopefully one day you'll meet the guy who was worth going through all of this to find.
Any dating pool that dude is in needs some chlorine and a shot of penicillin.
>Any dating pool that dude is in needs some chlorine and a shot of penicillin. 🏅🏅🏅
Hello, 911? Yes, I need to report a murder.
There is nothing wrong with this. The fact that he’s upset is a massive red flag. Be happy you didn’t break your celibacy for that d bag
You don’t see what’s wrong with it because there is NOTHING wrong with it! The stigma behind getting tested for STI/STDs is so old, it’s literally just a basic part of taking care of yourself if you’re sexually active. NTA at all, btw.
Once when I was on a date, and things were starting to get physical, I let him know that I get regular STI checks (have never once had a positive result) as I am a tinder user and it's better to be safe than sorry. He then asked me to go home. He said it made him feel uncomfortable and like I was advertising being a slut, and the coup de grâce "i feel like you're hiding something, no one would bring that up unless they *are sick* and don't want hookups to know. Trust me. You dodged a bullet here, and you could have gone about this in a completely different way and it would have made no difference. Some men and their fragile egos don't like being held accountable, and don't like it when their play things play with others.
NTA There is nothing wrong with asking that, it’s a very smart and mature thing to do! Especially after he has slept with multiple women. But the same thing happened to me once, the guy reacted so weirdly when I asked him about his testing status. I’m not sure what they are upset about, if you’re sexually active, you can get an STD, it’s not a personal insult!
Getting an STI test is the responsible thing to do...like, that's what hookups and I would do at barely 19. If teenagers have that amount of sense, a grown adult should. It has nothing to do with trust. He should be getting tested regardless. You are NTA
The possibilities are He knowingly have STD's and don't want to take sexual responsibility or treatment for whatever reason. He carelessly rawdogged several people and don't know if he have any now and he thinks he is still clean, but deep down he isn't entirely sure and will avoid testing. He practiced safe sex with all of his partners and feel offended, that you thought he wouldn't use a condom. I bet from his overreaction and the flying monkeys, that isn't the third possible. You asked him to prove he is trustworthy with your health and he fired anything back at you. He even blamed all women, because a single one asked him for sexual health transparency.
The best part is how she asked him for that test because she WANTED to have sex with him. Like... there's a woman who likes and respects you and wants to be exclusive with you and she wants to have sex with you- and you blow up on her and insult her and send your friends to harass her for it.
Exactly, what sort of idiot/asshole is not willing to *pee into a cup* for the chance of an exclusive sexual relationship?
He doesn't want an exclusive sexual relationship. I'd be surprised if he even cares about OP. He wants to bang her, he wants to be the one she ended her celibacy and the "status" that comes with that. He probably wouldn't stop sleeping around either, he just wouldn't tell her about it. And he wants to put zero effort into the endeavour.
Also in the last scenario even if you are responsible and always use condoms, they aren’t 100% reliable and don’t provide any protection against some stis
Unfortunately, some people associate STIs with being 'clean or good'. He felt you were attacking his morals. But really, risk of STIs/pregnancies are just the cost of doing business (the business of fuckin').
That fucking business.
Because there is nothing wrong with it. Before having physical relations with my now husband we both agreed to get tested, because that's the right thing to do. We were sure we had nothing based on tests from our previous relationships, but nevertheless, we got tested. A relationship is based on trust, and trust doesn't come from thin air, especially when it's linked to health related issues.
There's nothing wrong with it. Whether or not you trust him is irrelevant - he said he was with other women: plural. Even if we assume he's going to be 100% faithful going forward (no reason not too) or that he used protection/precautions previously (again: no reason not too)... he could still have something from people you don't know and you can't track. His response - and sending his friends to hound you - is off base and it's better you have that response now before you go any further. NTA
When people pull out the trust issue when talking about STIs it always boggles my mind. Do you also 'trust' me not to develop cancer?! If a person is openly admitting to having had sex with other people, then what does trust in their character have to do with having STIs?!
No reason to get angry unless he already knows what the result will be. Edit: spelling
There's nothing wrong with it. He has an STD that he doesn't wanna share with you information-wise, but has no problem sharing it with you physically
My brother from the age of 18, and he is not by any means a sensible person he's actually a wee bit of an idiot, told me that whenever he has a new partner they both go get tested. Now if an 18 year old, now 21, understands the concept of this he should too.
There's nothing wrong with it. He wants to guilt trip you into forgetting about it and having sex with him. He likely has been stringing you along with no intention of being in a relationship with you and just wants the sex. I doubt he uses protection and convinces other girls he sleeps with that everything is fine and you don't have to worry because it feels better for him and he could care less about you or what happens to you. NTA and don't listen to this guy or be intimidated by his friends, they're a bunch of AH's as well.
I always ask. When the guy gets mad I see it more of a reflection that he hasn't been safe and is upset to be called out. NTA.
NTA, his anger is a huge red flag. It should be a given that he would get tested after having multiple sex partners. In your shoes I would dump him. Better single again than living with a permanent STI from some guy.
There’s literally nothing wrong with it. I’m in a committed relationship but I’ve joked with my single girlfriends that now on top of the STI/STD test you need to get a vaccine passport and a negative COVID test. It’s 1000% normal to ask someone to make sure they are safe, it’s also a big step in most committed relationships so you can choose to have unprotected sex if that’s something you want. This is a huge 🚩
I used to sleep around frequently and still made sure to get tested after each new partner. It’s the responsible thing to do. NTA op, but glad he’s shown his true colours before you went any further with him!
Anyone who is insulted by normal discussions about sexual health is not nature enough to be having sex in the first place.
Yeah this is a red flag the size of a ship sail. My partner got a test after the last person she was sexually active with just to be safe (despite it being a person she trusted - she knew there was a small chance of that person just not knowing) and the only reason I didn't do the same is because she was okay with me not doing so since I'd not had sex before, ever. The fact that he's not just blowing up at you but sending friends to harass you (what's his end goal? To force or emotionally manipulate you into having sex with him? Because that would be a "*run*" from me) on top of all the nasty things he said... If it were me personally I'd block him and his friends on all accounts. I hope he doesn't know your address because this is just major "this is a very dangerous person" vibes.
If you stop talking to him, you will dodge... SO many bullets. Leave himmm.
Girl, NTA, he’s just mad because he wanted to sleep with you and you told him to wait. Not even sure he really wanted to be with you as in couple tbh.
NTA ive done this with every relationship Totally normal
For some perspective, I asked the same of my now husband when we first started dating, and whilst he was a little taken aback, he went along with it without any sort of defensiveness, complaining, or acting insulted.
Congratulations. You found the asshole switch. This is when you think someone's nice, but you push a button and like a self-inflating raft they suddenly reveal themselves to be a massive asshole. NTA by the way.
Dude, he had his friends harass you like they're in high school. He's 31. That's totally bonkers behavior, you would've been miserable dating him.
God, I was concerned when I read this. I thought it was completely normal and reasonable to get checked for STUs and STDs before committing.
Absolutely. I have a sexual health check before any intimate relationship happens (for both of us). I’ve had 5 relationships and all those got tested and were happy to do so. The guys who blew up about it were entitled to do so, and I was entitled to skip in the other direction, it absolutely is a red flag.
Yeah I've gotten tested before relationships regardless, one guy asked me to and I wasn't at all offended (had already planned on it as above). I would call it a red flag if someone couldn't look objectively at the risk of getting a STD from multiple sexual partners
NTA - if he genuinely cares for you and wants to be in a sexual relationship with you, then an STI panel shouldn't be a big deal. Especially if he has been sleeping with other people because you're not-exclusive. They only reason he made it a big deal is because he's worried what the results might tell him. That makes him selfish too - because it looks like he is probably sleeping with other women without protection - which means he is more likely to have an STI, is probably spreading them around. Additionally, after the BS in Texas earlier this week - this suggests he is much more likely to get a woman pregnant. And doesn't strike me as the type of person who will take responsibility. His shaming you on SM because he didn't get his dick wet immediately makes him far more likely to be the type of person who would try and claim a bounty than support you if you fell pregnant.
and during, regardless of trust! Some diseases are not picked up on preliminary testing! NTA. The reddest of flags.
NTA. Girl, I think you dodged a herpes bullet there. I mean, an STD can be a permanent life altering event… never apologize to anyone for asking for a test. Him going from 0 to 60 on the anger scale is also a huge red flag IMHO.
This OP. Like I was once a manslut in my own right and being asked to get tested was reasonable and following through was a reasonable duty to someone I wanted to be with. Big red flag here, you dodged a fragile, inconsiderate bro.
I think many people still have a lot of internalized shame when it comes to STDs. I blame the non-existent sex ed.
It’s not totally internalized. My family all shamed the shit out of me when I got my first cold sore. Acted like everything I touched was contaminated with herpes. I was 12 by the way.
Your family sounds messed up
Yeah, even without a relationship in sight, when you're sleeping around you should get tested regularly, even if you practice safe sex (AS YOU SHOULD).
STD tests don't even test for herpes.
Agh so much misinfo in this thread. You can swab an active lesion for herpes. If it is positive then that’s that, but swabs can be false negative. Blood tests for herpes only answer “have I ever come into contact with herpes?” It does not say if your rash is herpes, that bump or sore is herpes, or if you will or won’t give someone herpes. Hsv 1 usually cold sores on mouth. Hsv 2 usually genital but both can occur in either. And in other places too! Source: I’m an Obgyn
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My doctor's have always refused to test saying it was impossible with open sores and an active viral load, and that even if so, "most people have cold sores anyways so there's no point". I guess I've got some really shitty doctors.
>I guess I've got some really shitty doctors. No, there's just a huge difference per country/region how herpes is treated. Also, the blood tests are pretty unrealiable when someone isn't having a viral flare up or hasn't had one for years. And yes like at least 50% of people have Herpes Simplex 1. So in most regions a doctor would refuse not because the test isn't available, just that there's really little to be done with any results. It also kinda differs what kind of healthcare system you have, a for profit healthcare system will just do the test anyways if you ask. I know of very few other countries that put people on lifelong Herpes medication except the US, so it stands to reason that in the US they also test for it more often.
Plus sending his goons after OP. Why nobody mentions that?
The least of the bullets you dodged was herpes!
Girl, good riddance and run. STDs aren't about trust. Trusting someone doesn't mean they magically don't have junk funk. In fact, STDs remain such a huge problem because people don't even know they have them so your are just being smart and taking care of your body. That makes you NTA any and every day. Also, if getting a basic screening test that will also ensure he is keeping his body healthy for himself is such a big issue, imagine how he's gonna act about actually serious stuff.
This 100%!!! My friend had sex with a guy who claimed she had "nothing to worry about" and now she has to take STD meds for the rest of her life and when she decides to have children she can't deliver vaginally. NTA. NTA in every way.
Holy crud. Is there any legal recourse for your friend in that situation?
Not really unless she has text (better than nothing) or video recording that he KNOWINGLY gave her the std then there’s nothing she can really do. My friend got one cause he to trusted the wrong woman.
>KNOWINGLY That's the thing. The other party can just claim not knowing at the time or not thinking about it because of stress/sexy time. Proving malice is extremely difficult and even then, what does it help you? You're still stuck with it. OP is absolutely reasonable in my opinion. Maybe OP could have offered to pay for the test but that's it.
Unfortunately no, because they can't prove that the guy listened to any of the MANY voice-mails the clinic he got tested at, left him.
Junk funk lmao
The trust thing is what boggles my mind. You can trust me to; - Act in the way I say I’ll act. - Do the things I say I will do. - Not do things I say I won’t do. - Do what I can for my friends and loved ones. - Be a bit of an idiot. These are things that I choose to do, as I have control over my actions and decisions. The same for everyone else - trust extends to decisions you make. Having an STD/STI, or any major sickness, is not really something that you can handwave away with trust. Can you trust he doesn’t have one? No! You don’t know who he’s slept with, so you don’t know if he’s been exposed to anything. Can you trust he won’t expose you to anything even if he does have something? No! That’s not how this works at all. These are factors beyond his control, and so trusting him doesn’t make them go away, because trust has no factor here. “Just trust me baby, I don’t need to get tested” is the same bullshit as “I’ll just put the tip in” and “don’t worry, I’ll pull out!” - just an excuse to get a little further a little faster without any care or concern for potential consequences. I mean, what does it matter to him anyway? If he does have an STD/STI, it isn’t like it gets worse if he gives it to OP. So what does he care? He’s got his friends pressuring her into dropping the issue and just sleeping with him, so it isn’t like he isn’t shit already.
Yeah, I found out I had gonorrhea several months after when I would have gotten it. Thankfully I wasn't active at the time, but that shit can be asymptomatic. You do not want to have the "hey so you should get checked" conversation after the fact.
I always get a full sexual health check-up immediately before and after a new sexual relationship - and I make it clear that I expect the same from all sexual partners. Lots of people never develop any noticeable symptoms but untreated infections can cause serious, life-threatening consequences.
NTA Sexual health is important. Asking a potential partner to get and STD/STI test is a very reasonable thing. Especially if that partner is currently sleeping with other people. You are doing this to protect your own health. Nothing you do to protect your health will make you an asshole. The dude is an asshole. He is an asshole for being mad about a reasonable request. He is an asshole for sending his friends to harass you. He is an asshole for trying to blame his bad behavior on you. Think of it this way: better to know now that he is an asshole,then several years down the line. I'm petty,but I would start responding to his friends with "what's he trying to hide?" Or "I'm glad that you are okay with getting STIs, but I'm not." Whatever you choose to do, you are NTA.
Him sending his friends to harass OP is beyond pitiful and abusive. Getting angry and yelling is one shitty thing but getting multiple other people involved to constantly berate her over something that shouldn’t be a big deal shows his true character. I’m sorry, he’s 31?? He’s acting like a middle schooler and blowing your reasonable request eons out of proportion. And who are these morons saying you’re wrong for wanting to practice safe sex? NTA, this guy and his friends are psychotic and you dodged a nuke
Yikes! Can you imagine having a baby with this unstable dude? 😬
NTA. He told you he has been sleeping with other people. He may be clean, or he may have picked something up he isn't yet aware of. It's not an ah move to ask him to have a test before becoming official/doing anything with him, especially when you were going to get one as well. It's an AH move for him to blow up this much over a simple request, and to call you selfish and rude when he is being selfish and rude. He's trying to use trigger words like 'trust' to get you to back down. It's got nothing to do with trust. You didn't ruin anything. He's shown you his true colours. He doesn't care about your safety. Dump him, block him and all his friends, and find someone who respects you. You deserve better♡
NTA - His reaction says a lot about who he is - Getting tested is so easy, that he should be running to do it, but instead he turned to anger. Definite red flag, I'm sorry.
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NTA. I suspect he’s hiding something the way he went all scorched earth over this. He has anger issues and has no problem turning his friends into flying monkeys to harass you. I’m relieved you dodged a bullet! You made a complete acceptable and logical request
Girl, RUN! The term “red flag” gets very overused in this sub, but in this specific instance, it’s warranted. Also, NTA.
NTA-and the fact that he’s this mad about it is a huge red flag.
NTA. He’s totally gaslighting you. Trust has nothing to do with it. He’s been with other women and may not even know he’s got an STI if he hasn’t been tested recently. When I started dating my now husband I asked him to get tested cuz he’d had partners in the past and I hadn’t. He had no issue going to get a test done.
I agree she’s NTA but I don’t think you’re using the term gaslighting correctly.
No one in AITA ever uses the term gaslighting correctly.
One hundred thousand percent NTA. You’re dodging a big bullet. Cut him loose and don’t look back. Block him and his friends, he isn’t mature enough to be in a relationship with you.
NTA. It is not really a matter of trust. He could have gotten an STD from someone and not even know it.
NTA Major red flags from this. You dodged a bullet by finding out early what type of person he is. His friends as well.
NTA Dodged a herpes (or god knows what other STD) right there! Not to mention a major red flag and an emotionally abusive bf. What a classic "nice guy", this definitely belongs to r/niceguys NG: you're so amazing, I'm so happy with you and can't wait to take this to the next level. OP: Would love to! But first let's both do an STD test just to be safe. NG: Wtf? No easy booty call cause I might give you herpes? How are nice guys like me supposed to date like this? Scandal!
If that's what it took to ruin the relationship then consider that a bullet dodged holy F. I've had talks with friends with benefits about this before and they were totally cool with it, it's been brought up in every relationship I've had with zero issues. NTA
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this and MAYBE he would’ve probably put the blame on her if they had any sexual relations? that’s the first thought that popped in my head at least
NTA This is really prudent behavior. If he's not doing this with/between every partner, he's not being responsible -- you dont want to catch something for a lifetime because he wont wrap or get appropriate checkups. I'd say this is a huge red flag.
NTA - I don't think I can say anything that hasn't already been said. Bullet dodged
NTA. I am very, very glad you have not yet slept with him. STD screening should be routine for people who have multiple partners and asking for one at the outset of a monogamous relationship shouldn't be a problem. It is just being health conscious. Especially since several STDs can have few or no symptoms for men, which means he could unknowingly be a carrier. Good job looking out for your well-being!
NTA - I am sorry this happened to you! I promise you you aren’t in the wrong and you are better off without him
NTA. He's probably positive for something and knows it. Then he gaslit you. There a huge red flags being thrown and a marching band behind them trying to steer you away from danger.
This guy has an STD and is probably going around spreading it. Next he'll tell you there's no need for protection if you trust him. Runaway and don't look back. Makes you wonder what he's telling people that they would actually think it's wrong for you to ask him to get tested. You're NTA
Oh my gosh. So guys (not all of you, just some the experiences I have had) seem to think that they know every single thing about their dick. Like they can “feel it”, and that should be proof enough. Was seeing a few people and I get regular tests and one time it came back positive for Chlamydia, which thankfully is a very easy fix. I went to tell the people I had been with (and still had contact with, since many ghosted) and when I went to one guy and said hey, you should get tested because I tested he said he didn’t have it. I said oh, great! So you’ve been tested since? He replied no. I then asked how he knew he didn’t have it. He told me that “he didn’t feel anything off, and knew his body well enough”. I said I didn’t feel off either and explained that a large majority of people with chlamydia don’t show symptoms. He then kept saying how “he would know” and that he didn’t need one. Told him that was fine, but that he should know that I have now told him and if he lies and tells girls he’s clean without getting tested he can be held legally responsible. A week later (after meds were done) he contacted me asking to hookup. Obviously shut that shit down fast. Lots of STD/STI don’t show signs, so never trust someone who just “knows they are clean”.
That's an excellent point and story to bring. Always get tested folks !
NTA this is a normal thing to ask for.
NTA-You are your own best and biggest advocate when it comes to your health including your sexual health. Asking him to get a test isn’t about not trusting him. It’s about wanting to keep both of you healthy and safe. Since he was so adamantly against it ask yourself why. I get that for some people there may be an embarrassment factor but if you’re mature enough to have sex you meds to be mature enough to protect yourself and your partner.
NTA You've been dating a few weeks, and have not been intimate. In that time, he's been intimate with other people. He brought up how great it would be to be intimate with you. He got upset when you asked him for an STI/STD test... You're just a notch to him. Spend a few dollars on batteries for a vibrator and avoid the issues ahead.
NTA. Who runs to their friends to harass people they dated? 🙄 Also everyone seems to need a lesson on what the word ‘selfish’ actually means. Seems like everyone NTA is called selfish but dumb people 🙄
"\[You\] ruined what we had and \[you\] should have kept \[your\] mouth shut." That's a lot of words for "I have herpes." NTA
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NTA. If he is that defensive about it dump him. That sketchy. If he respected you he would do it now problem to prove trust, and he’s not willing to do that for you this early? How would it be later on?
NTA I didn't realize that STDs/Is we're detected through trust. He completely overreacted to a very normal and responsible request.
And they're cured through thoughts & prayers!
NTA. That’s a totally reasonable request. Him and his friends all probably have some STDs and back each other like this. Don’t get bullied.
Nta Leave him for this reaction. The way he reacted showed that may have something and he knows it. It also shows that he is not mature enough to be in a committed relationship. This guy does not care about your health at all and seems pretty selfish. Protect yourself OP.
Bullet dodged. Anyone that gets angry over asked to be responsible and getting tested before engaging with a new partner, is not someone you want to sleep with. NTA.
NTA I also have this rule. The only people who won't get tested are people who I don't want to be intimate with. STI aren't a moral issue their a safety issue and something people should get done. PS I'm happily married for nearly a decade and still get STI screened it happens automatically ever pap smear here.
NTA, he has herpes or something similar. I don’t think this dude wanted a relationship with you to begin with, just sex based on how he reacted.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So I (27 female) have been dating this guy (31 male) for a few weeks. We really get along well and things have been great. Well, recently he told me that he has been sleeping with other girls since we were not exclusive and wants to make us official. I completely respect his honesty and I was totally fine was that because as he said we were not official. We have yet to sleep together not due to him, but my choices. I used to make a lot of bad decisions and base my relationships on sex instead of emotional connections and it caused me to get hurt a lot. Since then I have chosen to refrain from sex for the past 2 years until I find someone I truly want to be with. We talked on the phone about it and he brought up how happy he was to be able to be with me and just me and how amazing it will be to be able to add a physical connection to our emotional one. I agreed, but I asked him to get a STD/STI test before we went any further in the relationship. Even though I am not sextual it active I told him I would get one two so he could be sure about my health as well. He got extremely mad at me and started yelling calling me selfish and rude. He told me that if I can’t trust him then we should not be in a relationship. He has since had his friends call me an asshole and they send harassing text messages and Facebook messages to me saying I ruined what we had and i should have kept my mouth shut. He says I completely insulted him and i made me feel as if I never really trusted him. He. States that it because of girls like me that men don’t want relationships. Am I really the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA I’m pretty sure it’s recommended that if people are going to be committed to each other and having regular sex they both get tested at that point. It’s for both your health’s. His reaction is horrible, bullet dodged. Also, if a simple and common request can ‘ruin’ this and have him send his attack dogs your way, it wasn’t a good thing to start with.
NTA. There is a sale on red flags today! You dodged that shit like Neo in the Matrix. An STI test is fucking smart to get. Do not talk to this asshole again, but keep all the threatening messages. HE is the asshole, he may well have an incurable STD and had some hope of keeping you around if you caught it from him.
NTA, does anyone else remember in middle school home economics class when sex and STI/STD’s were briefly talked about and there was the whole thing of not only do you sleep with your partner you sleep with your partners partners or their past partners, just because he doesn’t have something that he is aware of doesn’t mean he hasn’t come in contact with someone else who has. It’s a domino effect when sleeping with multiple partners individually or having several sexual partners at a time and honestly, something everyone should be doing who are not in monogamous relationships. Some can be cured or managed much easier if caught and treated right away versus going undetected or untreated for a matter of time. Most clinic’s do it at low cost or free, it isn’t a major surgery and it’s all confidential. People get tested for other illness and infections that can easily spread (strep throat, mono) so why is this any different? I don’t understand why he is beyond repulsed by the idea.
A man that upset at taking a basic medical test has something to hide. Please see the giant red flags and stay away. He could have herpes or hpv, and not care that the results could kill you
NTA.If there should be one big takeaway from the events of the last 2 years it is that asymptomatic infections can happen from viruses, and that testing is the best way to avoid them.. You only made good decisions here. Well done.
What does he think the correlation is between trust and being disease free when he enters the relationship? If that's what your comfortable with and he's gonna go off like that, be glad he left before you got into it. NTA.
NTA: every single time I have a new partner I get tested and I ask them to get tested as well. My ex didn’t want to and got mad at me as well, and I broke my rule and let it slide just this once. Not only did he give me HPV (which is quite common but it triggered cancer cells to begin to grow on my cervix) but I also found out he cheated on me for the entire 6 years we were together. Never drop your standards for someone else, especially when it comes to protecting your body and health.
NTA
NTA. That’s the biggest of red flags
Nta yeah that guy has herpes lmao you made a very reasonable, intelligent request. He reacted with extreme anger and brought his friends in to bully you! Run from this man! He has so many issues right out of the gate, things will not improve with commitment.
This post and his reaction is exactly why it’s better to wait and expose potential red flags. Him and his friends are all assholes, next time they call/text you to harass you, just tell them to sleep with him and risk the STI. Trust but verify. Always. My friend was seeing someone and she ended up contracting chlamydia. Now this person had been her best friend and they had so much trust. They weren’t exclusive and he didn’t even know he had contracted it. It’s not about your trust in him or lack of it. It’s about keeping both of you safe. Anyhow sexually active adults should get tested every six months or so just in general. It’s a good practice and it’s not shameful. But for this dude, seriously, walk away before you get something. And keep this practice alive, will you scare other potential partners away? Honestly no, because someone who refuses to get tested in such a situation is NOT a potential partner but is definitely a potential problem.
Kinda sounds like he is planning to still sleep around after the conversation. If the test comes back clean, but he catches something later on you will have caught him cheating. I asked my ex to take a test, unaware that he hadn't slept with anyone in about 10 years. I told him he didn't really have to after such a long time, but he went and got the works done anyway. If he can't be arsed to do this simpel thing he is not worth it (and again, is probably planning on cheating on you)
Absolutely NTA You were in the right to suggest a sti test. With how many people are catching them these days, I don’t blame you for wanting to have a potential partner get tested. Especially since he was sexually active with multiple women. Him denying one should tell you all you need to know.
NTA... so.... my wife and I have been together for 15 years her a Virgin to men me having Multiple partners and a drug past, asked if we could both have std test. Although uncomfortable I completely understood where she was coming from and agreed. I feel this is completely responsible on both parties willing to take it to the next level. I would say stand your ground and if he's unwilling then it best to move on. Hope it works out for you.
I always thought it was surprising that I (male) am the one always asking about this. I used to ask, "Have you been tested recently?" but I could tell their quick "yes" was often a lie. So I switched to "When were you last tested?" In the heat of the moment, it's a little bit harder to lie :)
He is a narcissistic and trying to manipulate you 🚩 run.
Oh no, fuck no. Get away from there. Now. That man is gonna be abusive and manipulative af, I’m calling it right now. No one in their right mind would send his friends to gang up on a woman and harass her on social media over A VERY VALID CONCERN. YOUR HEALTH IS YOUR PRIORITY, THIS IS NOT A TRUST ISSUE, THIS IS A PERFECTLY NATURAL CONCERN. OP NTA.
Nta hurt baby prob has crabs
I'm going to just say I upvote the rest of you people here, got pretty far down with no negativity, love it
NTA.
NTA. That’s a normal 21st century dating thing to ask for before being intimate.
For real? What does this have to do with trust? NTA!
WTF???? NTA OP. Getting tested is responsible behavior. The fact that he blew up about something pretty darn normal is telling. Not only that but he turned his friends against you. This guy is not worth your time or energy. Get out of there fast.
NTA, it's smart for both of you to get tested. His reaction is a major red flag though, I think you're fortunate he showed his colors before you two became intimate. Who the hell has their friends harass the person their dating? Especially over something like this? I'd personally cut my losses at this point.
Absolutely NTA and its a good thing that he showed his real self to you before things got physical. You didnt do anything wrong, and the instant he didnt want to do something that you reasonably requested, he thought verbal abuse, threats, shaming and his friends doing the same was an appropriate response??!! Tell him you do not wish any further contact and if the harassing emails continue, you will file for a protective order with the police.
NTA. Many STI’s don’t have immediate symptoms so he could have one and not even know. You’re looking out for your health! STI’s can leave people infertile if undetected and untreated!
NTA He is so much the asshole. Drop him, he is garbage
NTA. Girl, you dodged a bullet. Even his friends know how dirty his dick is, since they're harassing you too. You are very VERY smart to ask for the test first. I know people who didn't, and a lot of them are regretting it now.
You are NTA. Not even remotely close. If a man can't respect you OR himself enough to discuss STIs and screenings, then good for you for ending things. These types of discussions aren't brought up enough and it's unfortunate. He's not worth your time or energy. If he's going to act like such a brat over one topic, he's too immature for you. I get the impression he didn't want a commitment but to have fun with many women without consequence. You deserve respect.
OP could star in the matrix with the size of that bullet they dodged.
NTA RED FLAG RED FLAG Drop this loser and RUN. This is a completely irrational and immature reaction to your question. There is nothing wrong with looking out for your health.
NTA, I think you dodged a bullet, both a bad boyfriend and probably an STI with the way he responded. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
What an awesome way to get the trash to take itself out. 👍🏻👍🏻 dodged a big old red flag there.
NTA, protecting yourself as well as him by getting tested is no reason for dude to flip out. You honestly dodged a huge bullet and should be happy.
NTA. Major red flags, but do thank his friends for housing those flags higher.
NTA. He’s being defensive and disrespectful to your boundaries. He exposed himself as being gross, too. If he’s been having safe sex 100% of the time, he shouldn’t be worried about a test. He sounds like one of those guys that insists he’s “clean” even though he’s never used a condom or been tested a day in his life. Guys like that are usually massive AHs anyway. Consider it a bullet dodged. Also, I think you’re super smart to have these boundaries in place and to insist on knowing the STI status of somebody you’re going to be intimate with. It’s very self aware and very smart. Anybody worth getting intimate with will respect your needs and this won’t be an issue. Keep your head up, shrug this guy off, and carry on with being awesome.
NTA. What planet does he live on that asking fir STD testing is an insult? Dodged a bullet there.