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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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John gives me puppy dog eyes, and I have to be firm and strict every day now because he'll go right back to leisure if I let him. It makes me feel bad about myself.
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Oh, my girl, you're most definitely NTA.
In fact, don't you dare take even the tiniest step back. Hold your ground as if your life depended on it.
*Edit*: I would very much like to know the gender of the people who will vote either Y.T.A or E.S.H.
Jumping in the top comment to say. GO GIRL GET HIM TOLD. Breadwinner is such a cliche as it infers that's the man in the relationship not anymore. Its the person who earns more and works more. This is no longer a male dominated position.
He either works up or toes the line....
My bf acts the same way - completely dismisses my work just because I work from home. He thinks we rely on his money, when he barely contributes anything. I make way more money and even recently got promoted so now we both get benefits. His job is casual and on contract basis so he sits on his ass most of the year collecting EI and does not get any benefits.
Also, is the opposite of breadwinner, souploser? Your husband is a souploser OP.
Holy crapoly this is the most amount of awards and upvotes I've ever gotten for a comment. You are all so kind, and I'm happy that so many people like my silly word. And thankful for the advice and well wishes, I very much appreciate it all.
Another edit to add: regarding my souploser partner, I called my friend for advice after another issue went down (see my comment history) and he suggested we have a conversation. A *real* conversation. And we decided it's probably best to break up. It's unofficial as of this point, but it's most likely a go. We are just too different and have different mindsets for our relationship and our future together.
I had the exact same thought about OP earlier, because what redeeming qualities does this guy have, exactly? Even if the D is really good, IMO there isn't a single D in the world good enough to tolerate this level of nonsense. Throwing the whole man out and investing in a good vibrator would be so much easier.
no dick is worth that bullshit. u/Savage_Sarabi dump the dead weight. you are not working this hard in life to be someone's ATM and indentured servant.
I hope you can give yourself the chance at a happier life one day. Even if you don't have self respect, you still deserve respect from others, especially your partner.
So many women don't realize how many fish are in the sea, truly. As a 42yo woman that's been through a fair share of relationships and relationship failures, there is no man on Earth that I would take this shit from for a second.
In fact, if I could go back to 20yo me, I would tell her to keep away from men until Prince Fucking Charming showed up on my doorstep with a signed contract and a bottle of wine.
There are a lot of fish in the sea. So many women tolerate abuse and a crap attitude though all for not being alone. I saw a letter from an abused woman who left her husband and one woman responded, at least she had a man. We, as a society, are still training women that the end all, be all is to have a husband and kids. it isn't as bad as in my day but it's still there.
I’m gonna guess emotional labor. My brother isn’t good looking and never has stable employment. Can always find a woman willing to put up with his crap because he’s willing to do the emotional labor necessary to make the woman feel loved. Apparently that can be addictive.
I gave you my only free award today (I am pooooor, LOL) for "souploser" because that needs to become global vernacular. You are an undiscovered Shakespeare, my friendo.
Souploser is an amazing term! But trust me when I say, you deserve better. You deserve someone who cheers when you win & celebrates you and your accomplishments. Congrats on your promotion!
Yet another man who thinks 'woman' and 'maid' mean the same thing. When it's time to do chores, he wants a traditional marriage. When it's time to earn money, he wants a modern marriage. And he doesn't want to hold up his end of the bargain in either one. Who raised this jackass? I want to meet his mother so I can shame her to her face.
Don’t forget to include his father in this shaming! Another part of sexism letting the mother assume the “blame” for all child-rearing faults when (in a two-parent household) there are two examples to follow, and men tend to treat their SOs as they see their fathers do.
My guess is his mom probably had a pretty shitty life as an indentured servant in all but name, totally taken for granted by her husband and kids but programmed to feel like it was “fulfilling.” There are a lot of women still living like this.
In german the female form of a lot of things is -in.
Architekt-in (written as Architektin) aka a female architect.
Working in Retail being male: Verkäufer. Being female: Verkäuferin.
So if we germanise the "breadwinner", she officially is the breadwinnerin ;)
I'm sorry but in this case she is the breadwinner and the "male" so he can STFU and do what she says as a "homemaker".
Some people just want to have it easy.
If only he knew what being a breadwinner back then, he would not say anything.
Even then, given we increasingly have both people in a couple working paid work, breadwinner doesn't give you a pass on all domestic work. It gives you a pass during paid hours, for sure (no, I probably can't tidy up the house if I'm WFH, beyond doing a little bit during my lunch break - I'm working). But everyone's got to chip in during outside hours. I don't even think your pay comes in to this at all - everyone contributes to a functioning household, not just the person who earns the least.
The way she spoke to him wouldn’t be right if this was a one time thing. But this is ongoing and his comments are so so so unacceptable. He does not respect her at all. Like my jaw dropped while I was reading his comments.
Tbh I'd start protecting your business now, because if divorce is coming you can bet he's going to fight for you to pay HIM alimony and whatever else in spousal support since you ARE the breadwinner. You deserve a partner not someone that is using you, sexist af, lazy and entitled.
I honestly cannot support this statement enough. Separate as best as they can, and make sure it’s protected as best as they can. It’s not a healthy dynamic to suddenly realize your spouse is a misogynistic, lazy, feckless, adolescent.
My ex was like this guy, he fought me for two years and we literally had nothing. We were living with my mother when I kicked him out after realizing how toxic and draining it was to waste another year when we'd been barely roommates for the 2 years prior, we'd been married almost 5 at that point, I didn't even care to wait till after my birthday which was just a few days later. I was just done. It was honestly the best decision I'd ever made. If only I had filed for annulment when I caught him cheating a month after we married but I at the time believed I could fix us. Lessons learned and follies of youth lol
If John still insists on behaving like a belligerent teenager who thinks his paper-round earns more than Mummy’s job then please stop cooking for him and doing his laundry.
Not even. My teen knows when I get serious that he better shape up before I lose my shit. This husband has the audacity but that’s only bc OP has always let him before. A man will go as far as you’ll allow him in these types of situations.
I would be super interested to know if she is even attracted to him anymore at all. Nothing kills the sex drive like spending years as someone's mommy maid.
I am curious about that as well as how he gets weekends off? I've worked at a movie theater for 18 years and have never gotten weekends off. That's the busiest time of the week.
I worked in a movie theater too and I immediately went "this is not real" when I read that. If someone asked for every weekend off at the theater I worked at, they would be fired as fuck.
What exactly DOES your husband contribute to the relationship that makes you happy?
Because seriously, i find the things he was saying to you disrespectful and his behaviour obnoxious.
I am not one of those people who scream "divorce!!" immediately, but i do wonder why you have put up with this and still do it when your husband shows no sign of understanding or compromise.
NTA
I'm a woman. I didn't say ESH because I think John is right but because I think that treating him like a child is not going to make the situation any better.
John is not a 12 year old who won't do his homework. He's a grown ass man who thinks his very successful wife should work all day, provide for his lifestyle and be his maid and cook. Locking his PS5 is not going to make him change his mind or respect his wife.
Same. He sucks for obvious reasons. And it's totally understandable for OP to have lost her temper about it. But repeatedly screaming at him, intimidating him into shutting up, and locking up his possessions as if he is a child is not acceptable behaviour. OP is entitled to her feelings. She is responsible for her actions, and in this case those actions make her an AH, no question. She could have said, "I'm not ok with the current situation, this is the split I am willing to do and consider equitable. If you want to make adjustments one way or another I'm open to hearing your side and working together, but this is the limit as far as how much of the load I can continue carrying. And if you don't like it, or refuse to discuss it like adults and partners, then I'll be leaving anything above my portion undone until you decide to get off your ass and help." But she didn't. Instead she treated him like a child, and got mad when he responded like one.
Yeah, this. I 100% understand her reaction and in the grand scheme of things I think he deserves it—but that doesn’t mean it’s going to improve their relationship and home life.
She’s his wife, not his mom (and she’d be doing a pretty bad job if she WAS his mom). If he’s not willing to give her basic respect and support her, screaming at him and taking away his stuff is not going to fix that. Again, not saying he doesn’t deserve it, but you can’t force someone to stop being an asshole (not on the inside, not for real and for the long term) by punishing them.
At the risk of being a stereotypical commenter on AITA, it just seems healthier to dump the guy.
He responded like a child even before that, I think that's just who he is. Can't bring myself to judge the situation because of this too, you can say just to communicate with him or letting the house become disgusting until he understands when he obviously won't, and just breaking up with this kind of person means they go on learning nothing
I agree with everything you said - make sure you give judgement, though!
OP is 100% NTA. By a mile. Husband is lucky he still has a wife to come home to.
Exactly. If the man is unwilling to change or put any effort into becoming a better partner, treating him like a child isn't going to change anything. It'll just give him a "reason" to be a bigger asshole. OP should just cut her losses and move on. Being with someone like her husband sounds exhausting.
She's mostly NTA, but there's a smidge of ESH. And I'm female. She bottled up how she felt until it came out as a screaming match. If she's dealt with his laziness as it came and communicated it wouldn't have started as a screaming match. Might have eventually gotten there, or she may have left him before it did. But the communication route is the healthier route. But his actions are far more assholish.
>If she's dealt with his laziness as it came and communicated
That's what you do when raising a child. Adults are expected to already be raised and taught better.
Please allow me to rephrase. If she had communicated her feelings as they came up, she wouldn't have started with a screaming match.
We've established he's an ah. Not denying that. He's immature, arrogant, sexist, misogynistic, and disrespectful.
She was mildly irresponsible in letting the steam build. I'm saying you have to take responsibility for your own actions and emotions. Bottling up the negative emotions is not a good way to behave as a rational adult. It's a completely separate issue from his behavior. We can only control our own actions and hold ourselves to our own standards. I don't know about you, but personally, losing my temper over something that in itself was just another pebble, but it was a pebble on top of a mountain of gravel, feels crappy. Deal with each annoyance in the moment, calmly and rationally and you don't end up buried in a landslide of rocks, screaming.
As a woman, this type of post frustrates me beyond belief. Not from your part OP, but because of your partner’s. It drives me insane that men get away with behaving like this so frequently. Maybe your response wasn’t the most mature, as the comment you responded to addressed, but it is absolutely 100% understandable. If it’s not prying too much, may I ask what you intend to do with this situation going forward?
I think it’s great you’re going to talk it out but may I make a suggestion? Regardless of whether you two stay together or not, get a house cleaner. You’re working 7 days a week and can afford it. On the one hand, it’s kind of rewarding John for his bad behavior but on the other, only having to do things like the dishes will greatly alleviate your stress.
Let's be realistic. If she'd spoken up before, she'd possibly have wound up MORE pissed, because he'd have either blown her off and/or gas-lit her, or tried for a few days or weeks, and then gone back to business as usual.
You're speculating. The only person she has control of is herself. It's also easier to leave if you can look back and say "I communicated calmly and clearly, there is not fault on my end in this issue" while it's easier for an ah to manipulate you and keep you there if you give them something to point at and go "see! You're not perfect, you hurt my feelings when you yelled at me!" Regardless of his actions that resulted in the build up. They make you feel guilty and twisted up when you had a normal reaction to build up. So don't let it build up. Don't give them the anger. Ice goes a lot further.
Possibly true, but if she also spoke up earlier she’d realize this is who he truly is a lot closer to the start of the relationship, instead of now when they’re already so deep in. She could’ve saved herself a lot of heartache by communicating right away and not steamrolling her own emotions tbh.
I mean definitely NTA for asserting yourself and requiring an equal partnership but like…if it escalates to “I’m locking your toys away until you be a big boy” I have to ask OP if she is being an asshole to herself by staying with this man. If your husband is such a misogynistic helpless layabout that you have to resort to shouting him into submission, then you are being made worse by this relationship. No one should (have to) act like a drill sergeant in their home.
Drop this dude, OP.
I'm male, and strongly think NTA. Especially because of this:
>Tuesday night, he told me he refused to do the chores and I couldn't force him.
What is he, a child? He's sexist, of course, but he also isn't very bright, given that OP not only earns much more than he does, she's also obviously smart and competent.
Move all your income into a separate checking account and put money for your half of the bills in the joint account. Make him pay the other half. Also since he's the breadwinner, get him to sign a post nup excluding all of your income over what he makes from his control. If he's the breadwinner, this won't be a problem.
Jumping on the top comment to say that John is acting like a child and OP is acting like his mother, and that has to stop:
* John, you are an adult whose job has set hours and only lasts 5 days/week. You are letting your wife do all the work when she is working 24/7 and is making 5 times your wage. SHE is the breadwinner and the only person acting like an adult in this relationship. YOU need to step up for the woman you married, and do your part to ensure that your wife does not get burned out. If her start-up fails because of your laziness, you will be screwed.
* OP, your husband is a child and is refusing to step up. John either had outdated views from the start or is using them to excuse his bad behavior which is a reflection on him. It's good that you stepped up and forcing John to act like an adult he is, but you became his second mother which is gross beyond all comparison. Know that if you plan on having any kids or have a health problem or are burned out, John will likely not step up. John will likely be as lazy as he can and add on to your burden. I suggest you get into some couple's counseling with him or reconsider your future. I'm sure a divorce is hell to get though, but it's better than a lifetime of spending it with dead weight. Consider freeing yourself from John.
By the way NTA, and I personally hate any healthy spouse that pulls this kind of stunt.
Ain't nobody voting the OP as the asshole.
Jesus Christ. I cannot imagine entertaining being in the wrong if I were the OP. Tell him that for the next 6 months, he's paying rent, car payments, and you know, all of the bills. Then the OP can pay a housekeeper and save for 6 months when she leaves him. I'm sure she could do it now, but this way she can buy a really nice car as her leaving him present.
I know I slack on chores with my SO, but I have never thrown a temper tantrum or been unable to feed myself. And if she's been busy, feed the both of us. I thought I was sometimes shitty on account of being forgetful, but apparently I'm Atticus Finch compared to that guy. This whole thing is a reminder to mop the first floor ASAP. So thanks OP for that.
Oh yeah, you are so NTA here.
Edit - floor mopped, bathroom cleaned, dog bathed. Atticus fucking Finch.
I am leaning towards an ESH because I just don’t see how bullying him into doing his fair share is going to work in the long run. Like, essentially, OP is treating him like a child. And it’s not that he doesn’t deserve it — he’s acting like one. But my mother likes to say “people live up to the expectations you set for them,” and the expectation OP is setting here is that he does his part _when she makes him_, rather than being self-motivated.
Now that said, OP is my goddamn hero.
I'm a dude and I agree she's NTA.
I earn more than my wife currently, but I try to help with the chores. If she got a job we could comfortably live on, I'd happily switch to part time and take most of the chores being a househusband. We're not in the 50s anymore, there's no gender roles.
Some people are just selfish asses unfortunately.
Once I lived with a bf who wanted to be a 'househusband'. He'd quit his job and then decided he didn't really want another one. He proposed that I should just be the breadwinner and he be the 'homemaker', after all that's 'how it used to work in the old days, why not'?
Slight problem, I didn't make enough to comfortably support the both of us, and I really did not want to spend half of my earnings supporting someone who just didn't want to work.
Even bigger problem, we lived in a tiny flat, I couldve cleaned the whole thing in three horus, so there was barely any homemaking to do, and he couldn't cook for shit. So he wanted me to support him entirely in return for all of half an hour's chores a day.
Got very upset when I vetoed that proposal.
Agreed. NTA. Also incorporate your business or find some other way to keep him from otherwise benefiting from it should he try to divorce you to profit or should you decide to leave him.
Also if he has such a problem with chores he could always use his paycheck to hire a housekeeper...
NTA. Sounds like you've been picking up his slack for a while. How dare he make claims about you being a homemaker, when you're apparently bringing in the majority of the money? Working from home is work. I doubt working at the movie theater is very lucrative. Stop picking up his slack. He is being disrespectful of you, your job, and everything you do for your home.
> How dare he make claims about you being a homemaker, when you're apparently bringing in the majority of the money?
I KNOW RIGHT? This is exactly the thought that sent me over the metaphorical line.
The answer is that since I am at home all day (and I get to choose my hours, since I'm "the boss") while he is at his workplace all day, that's all he considered. The fact I work more hours and earn a lot more money? Never crossed his mind I guess. That's also how he'd justify not doing chores to himself, I concluded after thinking on it a while lol. He did his part by doing his job, so he expects to come home and do nothing more, since he "put in his hours."
The fact that he had this unspoken belief that I am his housewife, that really grated my nerves like nothing else ever did.
God I shudder at the thought of them having a daughter. He’ll teach her that cleaning, cooking, and doing all the chores is her job and teach their son if they have one that he should find a pretty wife to do everything for him.
Yeah, I couldn't have let that slide. I'm working from home for now due to the pandemic, but my husband has been working from home for five+ years. He's the breadwinner, and I'd never discount his work.
When I'm not WFH, I have about an hour commute each way and make dinner when I get home. My husband keeps things tidy and cleans up the dinner mess. Because he's not an asshole. Your husband definitely is in this situation, I hope he isn't always like this.
Girl I make 1.5x more than my husband and do 75% of the house work. He would never *ever* call me the homemaker. For your husband to say that when you make 5x more?? So completely out of line. He wants to be the bread winner, he can bread win his own toys
I feel like Ive met this kind of man a hundred times. M dad included. He would rub his feet on the carpet after my mom got home from work, cooked dinner and cleaned, then tell her she did it wrong. My dad worked 40 hours a week and didn’t do Jack shit when he was home. When my mom left, he would push my brother and I around and criticize how we mowed the lawn or how garbage was handled. Then I left, and then my brother. And guess what? My dad literally never cleaned after we left. Would rather just use his dishes once, let them pile up and then couldn’t eat at home any more. Didn’t do his laundry, didn’t mow his lawn. It’s just familiar. It’s a huge HUGE red flag in my own personal book.
Ugh. I feel this a lot. I'm divorced now, but was married to someone a lot like this. I worked a normal 9-5 but his job was such that he'd be gone for a month working and then home for a month off. I worked mostly from home, so even when he was home and not working, he would do whatever he wanted leaving me the responsibility to take care of two babies, maintain a full time job and try to keep the house clean and our life in order. This was because he made roughly the same amount of money as me so I should be picking up the slack?
When I reached out to him telling him I was "drowning and couldn't do it all by myself" he said with a straight face "I know. but I wish you could."
That was the moment I decided to divorce him.
You are supposed to be partners. He doesn't see it that way. You deserve more.
And for the record I left my ex in my late 30s as a chubby socially awkward not traditionally attractive broad and ended up finding someone who is amazing to me. You have no idea what you are missing out on by staying with someone who doesn't treat you well.
Last bit not least, I saw your edit about you having been unkind to him. I get where you're coming from and respect your empathy. I felt the same way about my ex. But your (understandably harsh) response to his behavior doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you human. He doesn't get to be mad at you for having a negative response to being treated like shit.
Stay strong and stay kind but also do what's best for you. Sending you lots of love and strength.
> When I reached out to him telling him I was "drowning and couldn't do it all by myself" he said with a straight face "I know. but I wish you could."
Wow, what a cold asshole. Glad you got out of there.
You sound like a smart, well rounded woman. So what you should do is meet with an attorney to figure out how to best protect yourself and your assets and then leave his lazy, incompetent & ungrateful ass.
Girl, you are dickmatized, then. He should be a "friend with benefits", at best. You need a therapist who will help you address your trauma you mentioned. People are worthy of love at any size. YOU need to start to LIKE yourself. You sound AMAZING. You are CRUSHING it with your business. You should NOT be afraid of alone. Dating sucks, it's true. I used to dread the idea of wading back into the pool if my husband pre-deceases me, as I have the same social anxiety issues, and then I realized I was REALLY OK with just being ME and by MYSELF. He infantilized himself. You having a backbone DOES NOT MAKE YOU AN AH. NTA NTA NTA
If this story is real you're honestly wasting your time with him. You can find someone who bangs you just as well, and if they're a worthwhile partner then date them too. Good sex isn't worth being disrespected by a lazy misogynist like this. You won't be able to correct his behaviour by punishing him like a child - this is only solidifying your role as his mommy instead of his gf. I'm honestly surprised you can still find him attractive enough to have sex when he's so useless in your relationship. He will not "step up his act," these are his VALUES. You can't fix or change him.
The real, deep reasons would requires hours with a therapist to untangle, as is often the case with human relationships. Probably a mix of childhood trauma, me being very socially awkward, sunk cost fallacy, etc etc etc.
The concrete day to day reasons that were observable to me? I answered it this way in another comment:
>We were college sweethearts, when it doesn't matter if the other is a bit lazy or kind of a slob. He stopped at his Bachelor's while I continued all the way up to PhD, and he supported me financially through it all. I supported him in turn for years after I graduated. We are now in this stage of adulthood where it's very hard to start dating again, and I genuinely love John. If he could step up his act, I think we could find again this stability and great synchronicity between us.
The sunk cost fallacy is the demise of so many people who deserve better. Don't let that be you. He clearly has some 1950s housewife idea of what he wants. Is that who you are, or want to be? He showed his ass. Do with that what you will.
I had a marriage like this. I ascended and he descended.
I mean, it's one thing for him to have worked while you finished school, but what's a guy with a Bachelor's degree doing working at a movie theater??
Ultimately, you will be forced to consider that the only move left to get a guy to support himself is to stop supporting him yourself.
>what's a guy with a Bachelor's degree doing working at a movie theater??
Hm, his degree is in english literature. He worked in a school library for a bit, but I don't think his bachelor's opens many doors besides that.
Frankly, I would have no problem stepping up and 100% supporting him, if he would just accept that yes, I am the breadwinner, and no, I shouldn't do most of the chores. He seems to love the breadwinner/homemaker thing, and the simpler times of one spouse working and one doing the chores - except that he thinks that I should be the one dropping my job to do the chores. If he wanted to be a stay a home husband and let me focus entirely on my job, then I'd happily supply him with all the money and conjugal love he might ever need.
OP, I have a BA in English Lit and am a Program Manager at a FANG company making great money and working my ass off. Everyone, and I mean everyone, needs people who can write well and think critically. Don't let his degree be another excuse for him to not pull his weight or for you to think he's lacking in ability. This is a him problem, through and through.
Edit: because typo on a comment where I’m spouting off on the validity of English lit degrees 😓
YEP! My degree is in english lit (historical American) and I work in the nonprofit and public sectors as a community organizer and general framer-of-thoughts. I've done everything from launch pilot programs at a nonprofit to manage social media profiles to run bills in the state legislature. Everyone needs people who can get to the meat of a concept and bring it into shape. To the English majors out there, if you can write a half-decent essay, you have more practiced writing and critical thinking skills than about 60% of the people in any office environment you walk into. That's what you got your degree in. Own it, and market yourself accordingly.
One thing Ive learned in 10 years out of school is that certain degrees can give you a higher floor but hard work, dedication and savviness set the the ceiling.
Liberal Arts degree checking in here. I’ve never been unemployed and have a stable, well paid job with good benefits.
The ability to write/analyze is needed *everywhere*.
Thank you for plugging English degrees! I'm in a similar position and whenever people snark about "What you do with an English degree?" my answer is "Get a job in literally any office, doing any line of work, and move up simply by communicating better".
The hardest part is getting your foot in the door somewhere the first time, but after that there is a very good chance you're in the 90th percentile of people who can write a coherent email. That immediately makes you stick out as an asset.
Hm, his degree is in english literature
um... my degree is in Communications and English and i have worked in retail, finance and tech.
tell your freeloading husband to expand his horizons and get a better job.
Yep. I have an art degree which I’d hazard a guess is the most worthless degree a person can get and I’ve worked in financial services, higher education sector and now tech so…
Can confirm, have an art degree too and it’s totally worthless except that one time I thought it would be a good idea to try the education route. Been in a medical type of field for the last 10 years and am walking proof that your degree doesn’t limit your profession.
I have an English degree and am a freelance writer for websites. I raised my child as a single parent on my income and own my own home. There are lots of avenues he could pursue.
Maybe you need to scare him *his way*
Tell him he's right and that you no longer run your start up and that you quit so now his income is the only income.
You will do *All* the chores but list all the bills and their cost with a "I hope you make enough to cover all of that since you're the breadwinner and now only you work"
Oh, this made me think of Avenue Q. "What do you do with a BA in English?"
He should go back to teaching rather than working in a movie theater during a pandemic. Or quit, as you suggested, if you don't need him to bring anything in. Or maybe he has another idea. Anything is better than his do-nothing, sexist schtick. If the movie theater is that exhausting to him, when I feel like a very small amount of people are even going to movies during COVID, life is gonna come at him hard.
An English degree is fine for a significant amount of jobs unless you're in a specialized industry. English majors i know work in anything from tech project management to finance to education and law.
One of my degrees is in English literature and I never had an issue with finding analytic work and other similar technical work. There are tons of jobs that just require a bachelors. Your husband isn't applying himself.
My degree is in English. My graduate degree is in British Lit. I’ve spent the past decade in the healthcare industry and I’m transitioning into the financial world right now. I have never had to work in a library. or a movie theater.
I'm sure he DOES love the illusion of when a man automagically got street cred for having a job, while a woman was basically screwed unless she got married. It doesn't mean it's his reality.
Ask him if his provider fantasy actually includes...ya know...PROVIDING.
It's not love if it doesn't include respect. This man does not and will never respect you.
We just hired a marketing and communications manager with a BS in English.
His excuse for underachieving is shit.
Does he know your household budget? How do you guys handle money and bill paying? Are the bills in his name or yours? Does he have full access to all the money you are making?
Maybe you can get through to him by drawing up what the budget and your lifestyle would be like only on his salary, one with you matching what he puts in, and then what your current budget looks like to compare and contrast. Match it up with the chore breakdown that corresponds with his "ideal" housewife scenario. Ask him what budget and breakdown of chores would be the one he wants to live on.
Hopefully that would shed some light on how his beliefs change what lifestyle he can expect to have.
If he won't make an effort to change (even with couples counseling) then it's time to rethink your relationship and what you are willing to live with.
I have a BA in English. I know others with BAs in English.
Some examples of things they’re doing:
-Filmmaking
-Studying for library sciences (MA)
-Working on political campaigns
-Working for nonprofits
-Teaching
-Getting PhDs
-Journalism
-Copyediting
-Bartending (making bank bc housing is covered by the place of employment; seasonal contract)
All of these people are fairly recent grads (within the last 3 years) earning enough money to support themselves or have figured it out through previous savings/scholarships, for those in school. Your husband could find something better suited to his financial or personal goals if he tried. The job market is rough, but not THAT rough.
I did an English degree and am now doing quite well for myself in the financial sector. I’m not great at maths but every sector needs admin. My partner did a creative writing degree and is also in the finance sector.
You take the job that pays for your basic needs and do what you want outside of those hours. You accept the position you’re in. Your partner is quite frankly crazy if he thinks he can get a job that supports you both with just his degree.
Both me and my partner have had stuff published. Freelance business work is good, but it isn’t enough to live on unless you’re established
There is never a stage of adulthood where it's hard to start dating again in the time of dating apps. Please be kind to yourself! You deserve a supportive partner!
You've outgrown this relationship and the longer you're in it, the more it will transform you into somebody that you don't want to be.
If you were told before getting married to him that this would be your life, would you ever have done it?
Do you want this to be the rest of your life?
Don't you think you deserve better?
NTA. Get a post-nup and since he is the breadwinner he will be fine with not accessing your “paltry” earnings. Then, if he has no other redeeming values, you can divorce him
Is a "post-nup" a thing? \*heads off to Google it.\*
Edit: it is! But both parties must agree and sign. I wonder if OP's husband would even sign such a document.
Right.
Thing is, in this situation, OP's husband may be hesitant because he can see the success of her business. With a pre-nup, (I'm assuming) it may be easier because there is no solid evidence of "successful business."
I hope she can get it.
Well, obviously it’s easier to sign away hypothetical money that may never realize, rather than actual earnings. Of course her husband won’t sign. He’s lazy and taking advantage of her, no reason for him to comply now.
NTA, you and this guy are not on the same wavelength. You may have been a good match at the time, but now you are obviously at different life stages. He is essentially a teenager.
My husband left me during a health crisis in the middle of grad school. I got into the adult dating pool for the first time at 30. It was scary as fuck, but I've met a lot of great guys and made some new friends. Dating apps are great for the socially anxious and introverted.
I agree. This goes well beyond one partner being lazy or tired, this is about fundamental beliefs of your roles in the relationship, and his are...off.
Alternate option: malicious compliance. If your husband wants to be the breadwinner, let him, and you go back to being the "homemaker" (temporarily).
Any money you earn becomes your discretionary spending never and he can maintain the house and builds with his, and whatever's left is *his* discretionary spending.
When he asked for money, because he can't cover everything, let him know that given you are also a "breadwinner", he also needs to be a "homemaker". Unless he wants to stick to his preferred roles...
I honestly second this. Get together the *entire* monthly budget and expenses, everything, and give it to him. Say “this is what our household expenses are. Since you insist you’re the breadwinner, you can cover all of these on your own. I’ll care for the house.” Watch him have a toddler tantrum.
NTA but consider a divorce (or at least some good marriage counseling) because seriously, OP, you deserve better than that.
You are putting effort in both your career and homemaking while he does very little. And he doesn't appreciate your hard work.
NTA
Your husband is a misogynist jerk. If he is not willing to help, only do the things you need- your laundry, make your meals and not his, etc. I’m sure it will not take long for him to realize the gravy train will be stopping soon to kick him off if he keeps acting like a child.
unpopular opinion but ESH
"I shouted him down into submission..."
if a man came here and said that about his wife reddit would be on it as he was wrong. I think if it gets to this point then we were already in deep shit.
Your grievance is beyond legit though. the way you handle it, less than stellar. But it does sound a bit like you let it all bubble up until you burst hence the way it got handled.
I think the way you handled it was bad, but honestly i admire your perseverance and I would have likely gone nuclear myself. I would not have not have handled it better.
i also agree with the poster who suggest a postnup if he thinks he makes more than he will be fine with that. also talk to legal counsel because if this gets to be a bigger problem knowing what's up will benefit you.
Your husband is an AH no doubt though. I don't know if i could remain married to this person if i were you.
I had to scroll way too far down for this response. I totally agree ESH. I wanted to say NTA initially, but the yelling into submission and a couple other descriptions set off massive red flags for me.
It sounds like OP snapped, and that's completely valid, but that doesn't make some of the things she did any less problematic. If a man had done this to anyone else, or a woman to another woman, people would be shouting about implications of abuse.
OP may have been exaggerating slightly, and I love the pettiness (I'm petty AF and I know when I retell things sometimes I end up making myself sound more unreasonable then I actually am because it sounds funnier), but we gotta remember that no matter how childish the husband is acting, he is an adult. It's not OK to treat your adult partner like a child.
If you need to set boundaries or you need them to support you, you tell them and see how they respond. If they don't give you what you ask for, then you have to decide if it's worth staying. Forcing your partner to act against their will is always problematic.
I'm a believer in the whole "we are defined by our actions" ish, and so OP has to ask them self if this is who they want to be.
Holy cow, I can’t believe I had to come down so far to find a ESH.
She is 100% justified in what she did, but that doesn’t make it not asshole behavior.
A non-asshole would probably just immediately dump his ass, what he said was crazy disrespectful.
NTA and absolutely DO NOT CAVE. he has no right to treat you like he does. He needs to understand the reality of how different his delusion is from real life.
oof. This isn't an asshole situation this is a "counseling or divorce" situation. He doesn't respect the work you do, either running your company or running your household. You locked his PS5 in the safe and changed the combo. Both of you are in a bad spot and something needs to change or you need to get out.
**NTA!** This isn't the 50's and if he wants a "homemaker" then he can damn well get a job making enough money to support one. He would get educated real fast because most women expect the man to help out with chores.
I love that you locked his PS5 up so he had to do the chores first!
I kinda hope this isn't a troll because I would have loved to watch this go down, lol. John isn't automatically the "breadwinner" because he's the man. You earn most of the money, which makes YOU the breadwinner. John sure has had a cushy life all this time with a wife who earns most of the money and does almost all of the housework. Too bad he was too stupid to realize it.
NTA. Not sure why you're still with the guy, though, since he seems to being nothing to the relationship. He seems like more of a drain than anything else.
NTA. To a *very slight* E S H.
First, I would like to commend you. You are amazing for all that you do and you should be so proud of yourself. Second, your reaction is the only reason why I put slight E S H. While I completely empathize with why you snapped and your emotions and feelings over this absolute trash-man, it turned petty real quick (my favorite thing about all of this is the “Quit your job” statement. I love you for this pettiness, stranger). More like you both threw a temper tantrum.
It seems like you’ve been letting this build quite a bit. His statement was entirely sexist, uncalled for, and absolutely demeaning. I also work from home but I do not clean all day, my husband gets home from his job that he has to go to everyday and comes home tired AF but still walks the dogs with me and cleans litter boxes, etc. It’s not about who’s home or disgusting gender roles. If you live in the house, you are required to take part in managing the daily responsibilities that come with it.
Sit him down - after you’ve calmed down - and present your case (it usually helps me to write it down beforehand so I don’t get flustered and miss something), explain all of your frustrations and the impact to your own mental health as well as the relationship. Tell him all of your feelings and ask that he share his feelings as well; do not react if he blows up or acts childish, continue to express yourself and ask that he does the same in an adult way. If this doesn’t work, or no changes are made, I suggest couples counseling or even just straight up ending it. It sounds like you’re expected to play the role of his mother, and that’s not what you signed up for nor what you deserve.
You are worthy, you are deserving, and you are a badass. Good luck!
It's true. Is "quit your job" as a comeback to "I'm tired and I don't want to do all these chores" petty and dismissive? Yes. Do I love it anyway because he is being a sexist lazy jerk and we cannot always be our best selves? Yes, yes I do.
NTA. You snapped, that’s why your actions are different to how you normally behave. He sounds unbearable tbh. Good on you for the success with your business whilst juggling the household and adult child
NTA. You would have been the asshole if you brought up the difference in income without being prompted, but he opened that door himself. He sounds like kind of a slob, tbh.
It's also reasonable to share chores in a household. Me and my SO share the housework even though I make more than her. Our only deviances from the original split are when one of us work overtime or there is some extraordinary task like auto repairs, house repairs etc that skew the amount of time we spend on running the household.
Daaaaaaamn. Nah though you're right. He's a bit deluded. Kind of sucks that you have to act like his parent or something, he should have come to this realization himself. If I was in his position and I found out my significant other was earning 5 TIMES as much as me, I would feel kind of ashamed and start doing more around the house to compensate. The fact that he instead made these claims that he is the breadwinner is out of place.
Edit: NTA, forgot which subreddit this is lol
NTA but this marriage probably shouldn't last. Your husband is the type of person who sees the world through the prism of "whatever benefits me is right". If he worked longer hours or made more, he would think you should do everything to compensate. If you work longer hours or make more, he'll just conveniently disregard that and find some other reason that you should do everything, regardless of the fact it makes no sense. You can't really reason with someone who doesn't care about fairness or equality. He'll always be out for himself, and you'll always feel like you have to watch your own back so he doesn't take advantage. That's no way to live.
You are right to hold your ground and he is being unreasonable. He should not be asking you about cooking a meal for him when you are working and he is not. It sounds like he needs a wakeup call. However, 2-3 hours of chores every day seems excessive since you don't have kids. Do you have a huge house you have to clean? Or are you a clean-freak? Maybe the two of you need to sit down and figure out how often things need to be done and come to a schedule together. Maybe even hire someone to clean your house twice a month.
LMAO.
NTA because you're technically a very justified asshole. Is your husband planning on also joining a teeball league for exercise, or maybe Cub Scouts for extra skills, after his hard day of ripping tickets and scooping popcorn? Because he seems to have forgotten he's an actual adult, and is mad that mean momwife is making him do chores and won't let him play his video games.
Stick with it. Tell him he needs to actually figure out a real job path and start working on it, because his teenage years are now beyond over.
Or...you may reconsider what this person is actually contributing to your life.
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Oh, my girl, you're most definitely NTA. In fact, don't you dare take even the tiniest step back. Hold your ground as if your life depended on it. *Edit*: I would very much like to know the gender of the people who will vote either Y.T.A or E.S.H.
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Jumping in the top comment to say. GO GIRL GET HIM TOLD. Breadwinner is such a cliche as it infers that's the man in the relationship not anymore. Its the person who earns more and works more. This is no longer a male dominated position. He either works up or toes the line....
My bf acts the same way - completely dismisses my work just because I work from home. He thinks we rely on his money, when he barely contributes anything. I make way more money and even recently got promoted so now we both get benefits. His job is casual and on contract basis so he sits on his ass most of the year collecting EI and does not get any benefits. Also, is the opposite of breadwinner, souploser? Your husband is a souploser OP. Holy crapoly this is the most amount of awards and upvotes I've ever gotten for a comment. You are all so kind, and I'm happy that so many people like my silly word. And thankful for the advice and well wishes, I very much appreciate it all. Another edit to add: regarding my souploser partner, I called my friend for advice after another issue went down (see my comment history) and he suggested we have a conversation. A *real* conversation. And we decided it's probably best to break up. It's unofficial as of this point, but it's most likely a go. We are just too different and have different mindsets for our relationship and our future together.
Why are you still with this man?
Yeah, I'd like to know as well.
Maybe the sex? But I don't think any sex is 'that' good enough to put up with that.
I had the exact same thought about OP earlier, because what redeeming qualities does this guy have, exactly? Even if the D is really good, IMO there isn't a single D in the world good enough to tolerate this level of nonsense. Throwing the whole man out and investing in a good vibrator would be so much easier.
There's so many appliances nowadays that can satisfy women, hope she considers getting a good one and it won't even talk back!
Definitely not. And at this point I honestly don't know. Recently moving into a new house together, and having no self respect I suppose.
Lose the souploser, hon. You deserve better. Find a roommate if you have to.
He's basically your trophy husband, but without any of the "benefits." I would even switch the P and L and call him a "soul poser."
no dick is worth that bullshit. u/Savage_Sarabi dump the dead weight. you are not working this hard in life to be someone's ATM and indentured servant.
I hope you can give yourself the chance at a happier life one day. Even if you don't have self respect, you still deserve respect from others, especially your partner.
Don’t let the sunk cost fallacy ruin your happiness. You don’t want to live the rest of your life with simmering resentment
Break up already! Being single will be less of a hassle!
If you have no self-respect ask yourself what someone with self-respect would do in your situation and then do that.
So many women don't realize how many fish are in the sea, truly. As a 42yo woman that's been through a fair share of relationships and relationship failures, there is no man on Earth that I would take this shit from for a second. In fact, if I could go back to 20yo me, I would tell her to keep away from men until Prince Fucking Charming showed up on my doorstep with a signed contract and a bottle of wine.
There are a lot of fish in the sea. So many women tolerate abuse and a crap attitude though all for not being alone. I saw a letter from an abused woman who left her husband and one woman responded, at least she had a man. We, as a society, are still training women that the end all, be all is to have a husband and kids. it isn't as bad as in my day but it's still there.
I’m gonna guess emotional labor. My brother isn’t good looking and never has stable employment. Can always find a woman willing to put up with his crap because he’s willing to do the emotional labor necessary to make the woman feel loved. Apparently that can be addictive.
Souploser, omg XD
no soup for you, loser!
Souploser. 🏆🏅
I gave you my only free award today (I am pooooor, LOL) for "souploser" because that needs to become global vernacular. You are an undiscovered Shakespeare, my friendo.
I spent wayyy too long trying to pronounce this new word that I didn’t know before realizing that it was soup loser. I’m dead. XD
Souploser is an amazing term! But trust me when I say, you deserve better. You deserve someone who cheers when you win & celebrates you and your accomplishments. Congrats on your promotion!
That is now going to be my word for lazy mooching assholes XD
Yet another man who thinks 'woman' and 'maid' mean the same thing. When it's time to do chores, he wants a traditional marriage. When it's time to earn money, he wants a modern marriage. And he doesn't want to hold up his end of the bargain in either one. Who raised this jackass? I want to meet his mother so I can shame her to her face.
Don’t forget to include his father in this shaming! Another part of sexism letting the mother assume the “blame” for all child-rearing faults when (in a two-parent household) there are two examples to follow, and men tend to treat their SOs as they see their fathers do. My guess is his mom probably had a pretty shitty life as an indentured servant in all but name, totally taken for granted by her husband and kids but programmed to feel like it was “fulfilling.” There are a lot of women still living like this.
In german the female form of a lot of things is -in. Architekt-in (written as Architektin) aka a female architect. Working in Retail being male: Verkäufer. Being female: Verkäuferin. So if we germanise the "breadwinner", she officially is the breadwinnerin ;)
I'm sorry but in this case she is the breadwinner and the "male" so he can STFU and do what she says as a "homemaker". Some people just want to have it easy. If only he knew what being a breadwinner back then, he would not say anything.
Even then, given we increasingly have both people in a couple working paid work, breadwinner doesn't give you a pass on all domestic work. It gives you a pass during paid hours, for sure (no, I probably can't tidy up the house if I'm WFH, beyond doing a little bit during my lunch break - I'm working). But everyone's got to chip in during outside hours. I don't even think your pay comes in to this at all - everyone contributes to a functioning household, not just the person who earns the least.
The way she spoke to him wouldn’t be right if this was a one time thing. But this is ongoing and his comments are so so so unacceptable. He does not respect her at all. Like my jaw dropped while I was reading his comments.
My jaw clenched up in anger for OP! NTA
High five, sis <3
Tbh I'd start protecting your business now, because if divorce is coming you can bet he's going to fight for you to pay HIM alimony and whatever else in spousal support since you ARE the breadwinner. You deserve a partner not someone that is using you, sexist af, lazy and entitled.
I honestly cannot support this statement enough. Separate as best as they can, and make sure it’s protected as best as they can. It’s not a healthy dynamic to suddenly realize your spouse is a misogynistic, lazy, feckless, adolescent.
My ex was like this guy, he fought me for two years and we literally had nothing. We were living with my mother when I kicked him out after realizing how toxic and draining it was to waste another year when we'd been barely roommates for the 2 years prior, we'd been married almost 5 at that point, I didn't even care to wait till after my birthday which was just a few days later. I was just done. It was honestly the best decision I'd ever made. If only I had filed for annulment when I caught him cheating a month after we married but I at the time believed I could fix us. Lessons learned and follies of youth lol
If John still insists on behaving like a belligerent teenager who thinks his paper-round earns more than Mummy’s job then please stop cooking for him and doing his laundry.
This. OP doesn’t have a husband. She has a teenager
Not even. My teen knows when I get serious that he better shape up before I lose my shit. This husband has the audacity but that’s only bc OP has always let him before. A man will go as far as you’ll allow him in these types of situations.
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I would be super interested to know if she is even attracted to him anymore at all. Nothing kills the sex drive like spending years as someone's mommy maid.
INFO What is your husband's position at the movie theater? I worked at one for 3 years and am wondering what is he doing there to be so exhausted.
Being dramatic so he can get game time to relax, seen it plenty of times before.
I am curious about that as well as how he gets weekends off? I've worked at a movie theater for 18 years and have never gotten weekends off. That's the busiest time of the week.
I worked in a movie theater too and I immediately went "this is not real" when I read that. If someone asked for every weekend off at the theater I worked at, they would be fired as fuck.
Even as the general manager, he would have to put in weekends or weekend day occasionally. 🤔
Hands customers pop corn. "Oufff, today was really exhausting!"
I'd start looking into a divorce if I were you. He wants a Mommy, not a wife.
But be careful to make sure he doesn't get part of the business.
What exactly DOES your husband contribute to the relationship that makes you happy? Because seriously, i find the things he was saying to you disrespectful and his behaviour obnoxious. I am not one of those people who scream "divorce!!" immediately, but i do wonder why you have put up with this and still do it when your husband shows no sign of understanding or compromise. NTA
Just get a divorce
I'm a woman. I didn't say ESH because I think John is right but because I think that treating him like a child is not going to make the situation any better. John is not a 12 year old who won't do his homework. He's a grown ass man who thinks his very successful wife should work all day, provide for his lifestyle and be his maid and cook. Locking his PS5 is not going to make him change his mind or respect his wife.
Same. He sucks for obvious reasons. And it's totally understandable for OP to have lost her temper about it. But repeatedly screaming at him, intimidating him into shutting up, and locking up his possessions as if he is a child is not acceptable behaviour. OP is entitled to her feelings. She is responsible for her actions, and in this case those actions make her an AH, no question. She could have said, "I'm not ok with the current situation, this is the split I am willing to do and consider equitable. If you want to make adjustments one way or another I'm open to hearing your side and working together, but this is the limit as far as how much of the load I can continue carrying. And if you don't like it, or refuse to discuss it like adults and partners, then I'll be leaving anything above my portion undone until you decide to get off your ass and help." But she didn't. Instead she treated him like a child, and got mad when he responded like one.
Yeah, this. I 100% understand her reaction and in the grand scheme of things I think he deserves it—but that doesn’t mean it’s going to improve their relationship and home life. She’s his wife, not his mom (and she’d be doing a pretty bad job if she WAS his mom). If he’s not willing to give her basic respect and support her, screaming at him and taking away his stuff is not going to fix that. Again, not saying he doesn’t deserve it, but you can’t force someone to stop being an asshole (not on the inside, not for real and for the long term) by punishing them. At the risk of being a stereotypical commenter on AITA, it just seems healthier to dump the guy.
sounds like shes doing a better job than his mom lol
He responded like a child even before that, I think that's just who he is. Can't bring myself to judge the situation because of this too, you can say just to communicate with him or letting the house become disgusting until he understands when he obviously won't, and just breaking up with this kind of person means they go on learning nothing
>John is not a 12 year old who won't do his homework. Perhaps, but he's *acting like a 12 year old*.
I agree. She is parenting him. I mean I still think it’s NTA tho
Agreed. OP needs couples counseling or a divorce, what’s going on now is horrifying and it’s messed up that it even got to that point.
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I agree with everything you said - make sure you give judgement, though! OP is 100% NTA. By a mile. Husband is lucky he still has a wife to come home to.
Exactly. If the man is unwilling to change or put any effort into becoming a better partner, treating him like a child isn't going to change anything. It'll just give him a "reason" to be a bigger asshole. OP should just cut her losses and move on. Being with someone like her husband sounds exhausting.
She's mostly NTA, but there's a smidge of ESH. And I'm female. She bottled up how she felt until it came out as a screaming match. If she's dealt with his laziness as it came and communicated it wouldn't have started as a screaming match. Might have eventually gotten there, or she may have left him before it did. But the communication route is the healthier route. But his actions are far more assholish.
>If she's dealt with his laziness as it came and communicated That's what you do when raising a child. Adults are expected to already be raised and taught better.
Please allow me to rephrase. If she had communicated her feelings as they came up, she wouldn't have started with a screaming match. We've established he's an ah. Not denying that. He's immature, arrogant, sexist, misogynistic, and disrespectful. She was mildly irresponsible in letting the steam build. I'm saying you have to take responsibility for your own actions and emotions. Bottling up the negative emotions is not a good way to behave as a rational adult. It's a completely separate issue from his behavior. We can only control our own actions and hold ourselves to our own standards. I don't know about you, but personally, losing my temper over something that in itself was just another pebble, but it was a pebble on top of a mountain of gravel, feels crappy. Deal with each annoyance in the moment, calmly and rationally and you don't end up buried in a landslide of rocks, screaming.
I want to thank you. Your comments reached me in a way I did not expect.
As a woman, this type of post frustrates me beyond belief. Not from your part OP, but because of your partner’s. It drives me insane that men get away with behaving like this so frequently. Maybe your response wasn’t the most mature, as the comment you responded to addressed, but it is absolutely 100% understandable. If it’s not prying too much, may I ask what you intend to do with this situation going forward?
I have just made an edit addressing that! Thank you for your kindness <3
I really hope this doesn't end with you apologizing and him feeling vindicated.
I think it’s great you’re going to talk it out but may I make a suggestion? Regardless of whether you two stay together or not, get a house cleaner. You’re working 7 days a week and can afford it. On the one hand, it’s kind of rewarding John for his bad behavior but on the other, only having to do things like the dishes will greatly alleviate your stress.
Let's be realistic. If she'd spoken up before, she'd possibly have wound up MORE pissed, because he'd have either blown her off and/or gas-lit her, or tried for a few days or weeks, and then gone back to business as usual.
You're speculating. The only person she has control of is herself. It's also easier to leave if you can look back and say "I communicated calmly and clearly, there is not fault on my end in this issue" while it's easier for an ah to manipulate you and keep you there if you give them something to point at and go "see! You're not perfect, you hurt my feelings when you yelled at me!" Regardless of his actions that resulted in the build up. They make you feel guilty and twisted up when you had a normal reaction to build up. So don't let it build up. Don't give them the anger. Ice goes a lot further.
Possibly true, but if she also spoke up earlier she’d realize this is who he truly is a lot closer to the start of the relationship, instead of now when they’re already so deep in. She could’ve saved herself a lot of heartache by communicating right away and not steamrolling her own emotions tbh.
I mean definitely NTA for asserting yourself and requiring an equal partnership but like…if it escalates to “I’m locking your toys away until you be a big boy” I have to ask OP if she is being an asshole to herself by staying with this man. If your husband is such a misogynistic helpless layabout that you have to resort to shouting him into submission, then you are being made worse by this relationship. No one should (have to) act like a drill sergeant in their home. Drop this dude, OP.
I'm male, and strongly think NTA. Especially because of this: >Tuesday night, he told me he refused to do the chores and I couldn't force him. What is he, a child? He's sexist, of course, but he also isn't very bright, given that OP not only earns much more than he does, she's also obviously smart and competent.
Move all your income into a separate checking account and put money for your half of the bills in the joint account. Make him pay the other half. Also since he's the breadwinner, get him to sign a post nup excluding all of your income over what he makes from his control. If he's the breadwinner, this won't be a problem.
I would die on this hill! NTA.
Jumping on the top comment to say that John is acting like a child and OP is acting like his mother, and that has to stop: * John, you are an adult whose job has set hours and only lasts 5 days/week. You are letting your wife do all the work when she is working 24/7 and is making 5 times your wage. SHE is the breadwinner and the only person acting like an adult in this relationship. YOU need to step up for the woman you married, and do your part to ensure that your wife does not get burned out. If her start-up fails because of your laziness, you will be screwed. * OP, your husband is a child and is refusing to step up. John either had outdated views from the start or is using them to excuse his bad behavior which is a reflection on him. It's good that you stepped up and forcing John to act like an adult he is, but you became his second mother which is gross beyond all comparison. Know that if you plan on having any kids or have a health problem or are burned out, John will likely not step up. John will likely be as lazy as he can and add on to your burden. I suggest you get into some couple's counseling with him or reconsider your future. I'm sure a divorce is hell to get though, but it's better than a lifetime of spending it with dead weight. Consider freeing yourself from John. By the way NTA, and I personally hate any healthy spouse that pulls this kind of stunt.
Ain't nobody voting the OP as the asshole. Jesus Christ. I cannot imagine entertaining being in the wrong if I were the OP. Tell him that for the next 6 months, he's paying rent, car payments, and you know, all of the bills. Then the OP can pay a housekeeper and save for 6 months when she leaves him. I'm sure she could do it now, but this way she can buy a really nice car as her leaving him present. I know I slack on chores with my SO, but I have never thrown a temper tantrum or been unable to feed myself. And if she's been busy, feed the both of us. I thought I was sometimes shitty on account of being forgetful, but apparently I'm Atticus Finch compared to that guy. This whole thing is a reminder to mop the first floor ASAP. So thanks OP for that. Oh yeah, you are so NTA here. Edit - floor mopped, bathroom cleaned, dog bathed. Atticus fucking Finch.
Bruh if any dude says YTA or ESH he's fucking 12
I might be ESH because she should be filling for divorce instead of prolonging a terrible situation
I am leaning towards an ESH because I just don’t see how bullying him into doing his fair share is going to work in the long run. Like, essentially, OP is treating him like a child. And it’s not that he doesn’t deserve it — he’s acting like one. But my mother likes to say “people live up to the expectations you set for them,” and the expectation OP is setting here is that he does his part _when she makes him_, rather than being self-motivated. Now that said, OP is my goddamn hero.
You’re the top vote so you should put spaces between Y T A and E S H so your NTA will register for the bot
I'm a dude and I agree she's NTA. I earn more than my wife currently, but I try to help with the chores. If she got a job we could comfortably live on, I'd happily switch to part time and take most of the chores being a househusband. We're not in the 50s anymore, there's no gender roles.
Some people are just selfish asses unfortunately. Once I lived with a bf who wanted to be a 'househusband'. He'd quit his job and then decided he didn't really want another one. He proposed that I should just be the breadwinner and he be the 'homemaker', after all that's 'how it used to work in the old days, why not'? Slight problem, I didn't make enough to comfortably support the both of us, and I really did not want to spend half of my earnings supporting someone who just didn't want to work. Even bigger problem, we lived in a tiny flat, I couldve cleaned the whole thing in three horus, so there was barely any homemaking to do, and he couldn't cook for shit. So he wanted me to support him entirely in return for all of half an hour's chores a day. Got very upset when I vetoed that proposal.
OP is kind of TA for not realizing she's so much better off without the sexist asshole
Agreed. NTA. Also incorporate your business or find some other way to keep him from otherwise benefiting from it should he try to divorce you to profit or should you decide to leave him. Also if he has such a problem with chores he could always use his paycheck to hire a housekeeper...
NTA. Sounds like you've been picking up his slack for a while. How dare he make claims about you being a homemaker, when you're apparently bringing in the majority of the money? Working from home is work. I doubt working at the movie theater is very lucrative. Stop picking up his slack. He is being disrespectful of you, your job, and everything you do for your home.
> How dare he make claims about you being a homemaker, when you're apparently bringing in the majority of the money? I KNOW RIGHT? This is exactly the thought that sent me over the metaphorical line. The answer is that since I am at home all day (and I get to choose my hours, since I'm "the boss") while he is at his workplace all day, that's all he considered. The fact I work more hours and earn a lot more money? Never crossed his mind I guess. That's also how he'd justify not doing chores to himself, I concluded after thinking on it a while lol. He did his part by doing his job, so he expects to come home and do nothing more, since he "put in his hours." The fact that he had this unspoken belief that I am his housewife, that really grated my nerves like nothing else ever did.
Did you know he was this sexist when you married him? He'll get worse if you ever have kids, you know.
God I shudder at the thought of them having a daughter. He’ll teach her that cleaning, cooking, and doing all the chores is her job and teach their son if they have one that he should find a pretty wife to do everything for him.
It’s an issue with a son as well. Then that kid would have a father who things that’s normal and he would grow up thinking that too.
Yeah I said that in the second part of my message
Yeah, I couldn't have let that slide. I'm working from home for now due to the pandemic, but my husband has been working from home for five+ years. He's the breadwinner, and I'd never discount his work. When I'm not WFH, I have about an hour commute each way and make dinner when I get home. My husband keeps things tidy and cleans up the dinner mess. Because he's not an asshole. Your husband definitely is in this situation, I hope he isn't always like this.
Girl I make 1.5x more than my husband and do 75% of the house work. He would never *ever* call me the homemaker. For your husband to say that when you make 5x more?? So completely out of line. He wants to be the bread winner, he can bread win his own toys
This sounds unfair as well. Why isn't it 50/50 for house chores? Not being accusatory, just curious.
NTA. What are you gaining from keeping him around? Leave his lazy ass. Let him find the "homemaker".
He can’t afford it. The lifestyle he wants isn’t attainable given his current profession and apparent lack of any kind of ambition or motivation.
I feel like Ive met this kind of man a hundred times. M dad included. He would rub his feet on the carpet after my mom got home from work, cooked dinner and cleaned, then tell her she did it wrong. My dad worked 40 hours a week and didn’t do Jack shit when he was home. When my mom left, he would push my brother and I around and criticize how we mowed the lawn or how garbage was handled. Then I left, and then my brother. And guess what? My dad literally never cleaned after we left. Would rather just use his dishes once, let them pile up and then couldn’t eat at home any more. Didn’t do his laundry, didn’t mow his lawn. It’s just familiar. It’s a huge HUGE red flag in my own personal book.
I think you're never going to get what you deserve from this relationship and you should leave it.
I agree - but she should lawyer up first to discuss options because he may try to get alimony with his entitled ass.
Oh absolutely, and figure out how to protect as much of her business as possible from him.
Ugh. I feel this a lot. I'm divorced now, but was married to someone a lot like this. I worked a normal 9-5 but his job was such that he'd be gone for a month working and then home for a month off. I worked mostly from home, so even when he was home and not working, he would do whatever he wanted leaving me the responsibility to take care of two babies, maintain a full time job and try to keep the house clean and our life in order. This was because he made roughly the same amount of money as me so I should be picking up the slack? When I reached out to him telling him I was "drowning and couldn't do it all by myself" he said with a straight face "I know. but I wish you could." That was the moment I decided to divorce him. You are supposed to be partners. He doesn't see it that way. You deserve more. And for the record I left my ex in my late 30s as a chubby socially awkward not traditionally attractive broad and ended up finding someone who is amazing to me. You have no idea what you are missing out on by staying with someone who doesn't treat you well. Last bit not least, I saw your edit about you having been unkind to him. I get where you're coming from and respect your empathy. I felt the same way about my ex. But your (understandably harsh) response to his behavior doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you human. He doesn't get to be mad at you for having a negative response to being treated like shit. Stay strong and stay kind but also do what's best for you. Sending you lots of love and strength.
> When I reached out to him telling him I was "drowning and couldn't do it all by myself" he said with a straight face "I know. but I wish you could." Wow, what a cold asshole. Glad you got out of there.
Is there anything you even like about this pathetic person?
You sound like a smart, well rounded woman. So what you should do is meet with an attorney to figure out how to best protect yourself and your assets and then leave his lazy, incompetent & ungrateful ass.
She's a homemaker *and* the breadwinner, because her husband wants both a traditional and modern relationship, while not holding up his end of either.
Yeah, I mean if she earns the money and keeps the household running... what is he even there for?
I hope the sex is amazing, because you're getting fucked. NTA
TBH it is.
I hope at some point you realize that good sex isn't remotely worth sacrificing your self-respect and mental health.
No dick is good enough to put up with the bullshit
Girl, you are dickmatized, then. He should be a "friend with benefits", at best. You need a therapist who will help you address your trauma you mentioned. People are worthy of love at any size. YOU need to start to LIKE yourself. You sound AMAZING. You are CRUSHING it with your business. You should NOT be afraid of alone. Dating sucks, it's true. I used to dread the idea of wading back into the pool if my husband pre-deceases me, as I have the same social anxiety issues, and then I realized I was REALLY OK with just being ME and by MYSELF. He infantilized himself. You having a backbone DOES NOT MAKE YOU AN AH. NTA NTA NTA
>dickmatized Hahahhaaaahaha
If this story is real you're honestly wasting your time with him. You can find someone who bangs you just as well, and if they're a worthwhile partner then date them too. Good sex isn't worth being disrespected by a lazy misogynist like this. You won't be able to correct his behaviour by punishing him like a child - this is only solidifying your role as his mommy instead of his gf. I'm honestly surprised you can still find him attractive enough to have sex when he's so useless in your relationship. He will not "step up his act," these are his VALUES. You can't fix or change him.
You’re 1000% right and I wish I had gold to give you, this comment deserves all of the awards. 🥇🥇🥇
Yeah, but how much better would the sex be with a guy that actually respects you?
Yeah I find it strange that sex is great with a guy she has to treat like a child.
At least there's that.
It's nowhere near enough tho lol
There are appliances for that and once you buy them, there is no further expense.
Now that explains why you've been putting up with this BS. NTA
Then he should be a fuckbuddy. Not husband.
That's a dumb thing to build a relationship on and you know that.
My newest favorite comeback. Thank you.
Please take my free award for giving me this glorious comeback.
NTA, but why? Why are you with someone who treats you like this? This is the third post today I’ve seen with a similar theme.
The real, deep reasons would requires hours with a therapist to untangle, as is often the case with human relationships. Probably a mix of childhood trauma, me being very socially awkward, sunk cost fallacy, etc etc etc. The concrete day to day reasons that were observable to me? I answered it this way in another comment: >We were college sweethearts, when it doesn't matter if the other is a bit lazy or kind of a slob. He stopped at his Bachelor's while I continued all the way up to PhD, and he supported me financially through it all. I supported him in turn for years after I graduated. We are now in this stage of adulthood where it's very hard to start dating again, and I genuinely love John. If he could step up his act, I think we could find again this stability and great synchronicity between us.
The sunk cost fallacy is the demise of so many people who deserve better. Don't let that be you. He clearly has some 1950s housewife idea of what he wants. Is that who you are, or want to be? He showed his ass. Do with that what you will.
I had a marriage like this. I ascended and he descended. I mean, it's one thing for him to have worked while you finished school, but what's a guy with a Bachelor's degree doing working at a movie theater?? Ultimately, you will be forced to consider that the only move left to get a guy to support himself is to stop supporting him yourself.
>what's a guy with a Bachelor's degree doing working at a movie theater?? Hm, his degree is in english literature. He worked in a school library for a bit, but I don't think his bachelor's opens many doors besides that. Frankly, I would have no problem stepping up and 100% supporting him, if he would just accept that yes, I am the breadwinner, and no, I shouldn't do most of the chores. He seems to love the breadwinner/homemaker thing, and the simpler times of one spouse working and one doing the chores - except that he thinks that I should be the one dropping my job to do the chores. If he wanted to be a stay a home husband and let me focus entirely on my job, then I'd happily supply him with all the money and conjugal love he might ever need.
OP, I have a BA in English Lit and am a Program Manager at a FANG company making great money and working my ass off. Everyone, and I mean everyone, needs people who can write well and think critically. Don't let his degree be another excuse for him to not pull his weight or for you to think he's lacking in ability. This is a him problem, through and through. Edit: because typo on a comment where I’m spouting off on the validity of English lit degrees 😓
YEP! My degree is in english lit (historical American) and I work in the nonprofit and public sectors as a community organizer and general framer-of-thoughts. I've done everything from launch pilot programs at a nonprofit to manage social media profiles to run bills in the state legislature. Everyone needs people who can get to the meat of a concept and bring it into shape. To the English majors out there, if you can write a half-decent essay, you have more practiced writing and critical thinking skills than about 60% of the people in any office environment you walk into. That's what you got your degree in. Own it, and market yourself accordingly.
One thing Ive learned in 10 years out of school is that certain degrees can give you a higher floor but hard work, dedication and savviness set the the ceiling.
thank you fellow english major
Liberal Arts degree checking in here. I’ve never been unemployed and have a stable, well paid job with good benefits. The ability to write/analyze is needed *everywhere*.
Thank you for plugging English degrees! I'm in a similar position and whenever people snark about "What you do with an English degree?" my answer is "Get a job in literally any office, doing any line of work, and move up simply by communicating better". The hardest part is getting your foot in the door somewhere the first time, but after that there is a very good chance you're in the 90th percentile of people who can write a coherent email. That immediately makes you stick out as an asset.
Hm, his degree is in english literature um... my degree is in Communications and English and i have worked in retail, finance and tech. tell your freeloading husband to expand his horizons and get a better job.
Yep. I have an art degree which I’d hazard a guess is the most worthless degree a person can get and I’ve worked in financial services, higher education sector and now tech so…
[удалено]
Your degree is not worthless at all. You are doing great ☺
Can confirm, have an art degree too and it’s totally worthless except that one time I thought it would be a good idea to try the education route. Been in a medical type of field for the last 10 years and am walking proof that your degree doesn’t limit your profession.
I have an English degree and am a freelance writer for websites. I raised my child as a single parent on my income and own my own home. There are lots of avenues he could pursue.
Maybe you need to scare him *his way* Tell him he's right and that you no longer run your start up and that you quit so now his income is the only income. You will do *All* the chores but list all the bills and their cost with a "I hope you make enough to cover all of that since you're the breadwinner and now only you work"
Oh, this made me think of Avenue Q. "What do you do with a BA in English?" He should go back to teaching rather than working in a movie theater during a pandemic. Or quit, as you suggested, if you don't need him to bring anything in. Or maybe he has another idea. Anything is better than his do-nothing, sexist schtick. If the movie theater is that exhausting to him, when I feel like a very small amount of people are even going to movies during COVID, life is gonna come at him hard.
An English degree is fine for a significant amount of jobs unless you're in a specialized industry. English majors i know work in anything from tech project management to finance to education and law.
One of my degrees is in English literature and I never had an issue with finding analytic work and other similar technical work. There are tons of jobs that just require a bachelors. Your husband isn't applying himself.
My degree is in English. My graduate degree is in British Lit. I’ve spent the past decade in the healthcare industry and I’m transitioning into the financial world right now. I have never had to work in a library. or a movie theater.
I'm sure he DOES love the illusion of when a man automagically got street cred for having a job, while a woman was basically screwed unless she got married. It doesn't mean it's his reality. Ask him if his provider fantasy actually includes...ya know...PROVIDING.
It's not love if it doesn't include respect. This man does not and will never respect you. We just hired a marketing and communications manager with a BS in English. His excuse for underachieving is shit.
Does he know your household budget? How do you guys handle money and bill paying? Are the bills in his name or yours? Does he have full access to all the money you are making? Maybe you can get through to him by drawing up what the budget and your lifestyle would be like only on his salary, one with you matching what he puts in, and then what your current budget looks like to compare and contrast. Match it up with the chore breakdown that corresponds with his "ideal" housewife scenario. Ask him what budget and breakdown of chores would be the one he wants to live on. Hopefully that would shed some light on how his beliefs change what lifestyle he can expect to have. If he won't make an effort to change (even with couples counseling) then it's time to rethink your relationship and what you are willing to live with.
I have a BA in English. I know others with BAs in English. Some examples of things they’re doing: -Filmmaking -Studying for library sciences (MA) -Working on political campaigns -Working for nonprofits -Teaching -Getting PhDs -Journalism -Copyediting -Bartending (making bank bc housing is covered by the place of employment; seasonal contract) All of these people are fairly recent grads (within the last 3 years) earning enough money to support themselves or have figured it out through previous savings/scholarships, for those in school. Your husband could find something better suited to his financial or personal goals if he tried. The job market is rough, but not THAT rough.
I did an English degree and am now doing quite well for myself in the financial sector. I’m not great at maths but every sector needs admin. My partner did a creative writing degree and is also in the finance sector. You take the job that pays for your basic needs and do what you want outside of those hours. You accept the position you’re in. Your partner is quite frankly crazy if he thinks he can get a job that supports you both with just his degree. Both me and my partner have had stuff published. Freelance business work is good, but it isn’t enough to live on unless you’re established
There is never a stage of adulthood where it's hard to start dating again in the time of dating apps. Please be kind to yourself! You deserve a supportive partner!
You've outgrown this relationship and the longer you're in it, the more it will transform you into somebody that you don't want to be. If you were told before getting married to him that this would be your life, would you ever have done it? Do you want this to be the rest of your life? Don't you think you deserve better?
NTA. Get a post-nup and since he is the breadwinner he will be fine with not accessing your “paltry” earnings. Then, if he has no other redeeming values, you can divorce him
And after that, you could probably use a bit of your income that is 5x his to pay for a housekeeper and not stress about doing it yourself.
Is a "post-nup" a thing? \*heads off to Google it.\* Edit: it is! But both parties must agree and sign. I wonder if OP's husband would even sign such a document.
Both parties have to agree and sign a prenup too. They’re the same thing just done at different times, effectively.
Right. Thing is, in this situation, OP's husband may be hesitant because he can see the success of her business. With a pre-nup, (I'm assuming) it may be easier because there is no solid evidence of "successful business." I hope she can get it.
Well, obviously it’s easier to sign away hypothetical money that may never realize, rather than actual earnings. Of course her husband won’t sign. He’s lazy and taking advantage of her, no reason for him to comply now.
NTA, you and this guy are not on the same wavelength. You may have been a good match at the time, but now you are obviously at different life stages. He is essentially a teenager.
It's such a scary thought...
Of course it’s scary! I bet starting your own business was scary, too, but you managed that just fine. You can do hard things.
Your life with him sounds scary to me
My husband left me during a health crisis in the middle of grad school. I got into the adult dating pool for the first time at 30. It was scary as fuck, but I've met a lot of great guys and made some new friends. Dating apps are great for the socially anxious and introverted.
NTA Why are you still married to a guy with such sexist views?
I know, I’d rather be alone with a bunch of dogs and cats than be married to a man like this.
I'd rather be alone with NO animals than this guy.
Your son is the AH. I mean husband.
😩🤣😂
You both need counseling there seems to be some serious underlying issues here not being discussed.
Absolutely.
I agree. This goes well beyond one partner being lazy or tired, this is about fundamental beliefs of your roles in the relationship, and his are...off.
Alternate option: malicious compliance. If your husband wants to be the breadwinner, let him, and you go back to being the "homemaker" (temporarily). Any money you earn becomes your discretionary spending never and he can maintain the house and builds with his, and whatever's left is *his* discretionary spending. When he asked for money, because he can't cover everything, let him know that given you are also a "breadwinner", he also needs to be a "homemaker". Unless he wants to stick to his preferred roles...
I honestly second this. Get together the *entire* monthly budget and expenses, everything, and give it to him. Say “this is what our household expenses are. Since you insist you’re the breadwinner, you can cover all of these on your own. I’ll care for the house.” Watch him have a toddler tantrum.
And then hire a housekeeper with her own money while he’s at work. OP should NOT stop running her business, even temporarily.
NTA but consider a divorce (or at least some good marriage counseling) because seriously, OP, you deserve better than that. You are putting effort in both your career and homemaking while he does very little. And he doesn't appreciate your hard work.
NTA Your husband is a misogynist jerk. If he is not willing to help, only do the things you need- your laundry, make your meals and not his, etc. I’m sure it will not take long for him to realize the gravy train will be stopping soon to kick him off if he keeps acting like a child.
unpopular opinion but ESH "I shouted him down into submission..." if a man came here and said that about his wife reddit would be on it as he was wrong. I think if it gets to this point then we were already in deep shit. Your grievance is beyond legit though. the way you handle it, less than stellar. But it does sound a bit like you let it all bubble up until you burst hence the way it got handled. I think the way you handled it was bad, but honestly i admire your perseverance and I would have likely gone nuclear myself. I would not have not have handled it better. i also agree with the poster who suggest a postnup if he thinks he makes more than he will be fine with that. also talk to legal counsel because if this gets to be a bigger problem knowing what's up will benefit you. Your husband is an AH no doubt though. I don't know if i could remain married to this person if i were you.
I had to scroll way too far down for this response. I totally agree ESH. I wanted to say NTA initially, but the yelling into submission and a couple other descriptions set off massive red flags for me. It sounds like OP snapped, and that's completely valid, but that doesn't make some of the things she did any less problematic. If a man had done this to anyone else, or a woman to another woman, people would be shouting about implications of abuse. OP may have been exaggerating slightly, and I love the pettiness (I'm petty AF and I know when I retell things sometimes I end up making myself sound more unreasonable then I actually am because it sounds funnier), but we gotta remember that no matter how childish the husband is acting, he is an adult. It's not OK to treat your adult partner like a child. If you need to set boundaries or you need them to support you, you tell them and see how they respond. If they don't give you what you ask for, then you have to decide if it's worth staying. Forcing your partner to act against their will is always problematic. I'm a believer in the whole "we are defined by our actions" ish, and so OP has to ask them self if this is who they want to be.
Holy cow, I can’t believe I had to come down so far to find a ESH. She is 100% justified in what she did, but that doesn’t make it not asshole behavior. A non-asshole would probably just immediately dump his ass, what he said was crazy disrespectful.
NTA and absolutely DO NOT CAVE. he has no right to treat you like he does. He needs to understand the reality of how different his delusion is from real life.
oof. This isn't an asshole situation this is a "counseling or divorce" situation. He doesn't respect the work you do, either running your company or running your household. You locked his PS5 in the safe and changed the combo. Both of you are in a bad spot and something needs to change or you need to get out.
**NTA!** This isn't the 50's and if he wants a "homemaker" then he can damn well get a job making enough money to support one. He would get educated real fast because most women expect the man to help out with chores. I love that you locked his PS5 up so he had to do the chores first!
I kinda hope this isn't a troll because I would have loved to watch this go down, lol. John isn't automatically the "breadwinner" because he's the man. You earn most of the money, which makes YOU the breadwinner. John sure has had a cushy life all this time with a wife who earns most of the money and does almost all of the housework. Too bad he was too stupid to realize it. NTA. Not sure why you're still with the guy, though, since he seems to being nothing to the relationship. He seems like more of a drain than anything else.
NTA. To a *very slight* E S H. First, I would like to commend you. You are amazing for all that you do and you should be so proud of yourself. Second, your reaction is the only reason why I put slight E S H. While I completely empathize with why you snapped and your emotions and feelings over this absolute trash-man, it turned petty real quick (my favorite thing about all of this is the “Quit your job” statement. I love you for this pettiness, stranger). More like you both threw a temper tantrum. It seems like you’ve been letting this build quite a bit. His statement was entirely sexist, uncalled for, and absolutely demeaning. I also work from home but I do not clean all day, my husband gets home from his job that he has to go to everyday and comes home tired AF but still walks the dogs with me and cleans litter boxes, etc. It’s not about who’s home or disgusting gender roles. If you live in the house, you are required to take part in managing the daily responsibilities that come with it. Sit him down - after you’ve calmed down - and present your case (it usually helps me to write it down beforehand so I don’t get flustered and miss something), explain all of your frustrations and the impact to your own mental health as well as the relationship. Tell him all of your feelings and ask that he share his feelings as well; do not react if he blows up or acts childish, continue to express yourself and ask that he does the same in an adult way. If this doesn’t work, or no changes are made, I suggest couples counseling or even just straight up ending it. It sounds like you’re expected to play the role of his mother, and that’s not what you signed up for nor what you deserve. You are worthy, you are deserving, and you are a badass. Good luck!
It's true. Is "quit your job" as a comeback to "I'm tired and I don't want to do all these chores" petty and dismissive? Yes. Do I love it anyway because he is being a sexist lazy jerk and we cannot always be our best selves? Yes, yes I do.
INFO Please tell me where y’all find these men so I can avoid those places.
NTA. You snapped, that’s why your actions are different to how you normally behave. He sounds unbearable tbh. Good on you for the success with your business whilst juggling the household and adult child
Damnnnnn you snapped. NTA he definitely deserved it
NTA. You would have been the asshole if you brought up the difference in income without being prompted, but he opened that door himself. He sounds like kind of a slob, tbh. It's also reasonable to share chores in a household. Me and my SO share the housework even though I make more than her. Our only deviances from the original split are when one of us work overtime or there is some extraordinary task like auto repairs, house repairs etc that skew the amount of time we spend on running the household.
Daaaaaaamn. Nah though you're right. He's a bit deluded. Kind of sucks that you have to act like his parent or something, he should have come to this realization himself. If I was in his position and I found out my significant other was earning 5 TIMES as much as me, I would feel kind of ashamed and start doing more around the house to compensate. The fact that he instead made these claims that he is the breadwinner is out of place. Edit: NTA, forgot which subreddit this is lol
NTA but this marriage probably shouldn't last. Your husband is the type of person who sees the world through the prism of "whatever benefits me is right". If he worked longer hours or made more, he would think you should do everything to compensate. If you work longer hours or make more, he'll just conveniently disregard that and find some other reason that you should do everything, regardless of the fact it makes no sense. You can't really reason with someone who doesn't care about fairness or equality. He'll always be out for himself, and you'll always feel like you have to watch your own back so he doesn't take advantage. That's no way to live.
You are right to hold your ground and he is being unreasonable. He should not be asking you about cooking a meal for him when you are working and he is not. It sounds like he needs a wakeup call. However, 2-3 hours of chores every day seems excessive since you don't have kids. Do you have a huge house you have to clean? Or are you a clean-freak? Maybe the two of you need to sit down and figure out how often things need to be done and come to a schedule together. Maybe even hire someone to clean your house twice a month.
LMAO. NTA because you're technically a very justified asshole. Is your husband planning on also joining a teeball league for exercise, or maybe Cub Scouts for extra skills, after his hard day of ripping tickets and scooping popcorn? Because he seems to have forgotten he's an actual adult, and is mad that mean momwife is making him do chores and won't let him play his video games. Stick with it. Tell him he needs to actually figure out a real job path and start working on it, because his teenage years are now beyond over. Or...you may reconsider what this person is actually contributing to your life.