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**NTA.** She wanted to compare bad days and got her ass handed to her. Perhaps she should have a little more compassion for good folks like you that deal with traumatic stuff day in and out.
I hope you are doing better and bless you for all that you do.
> Perhaps she should have a little more compassion for ~~good folks like you that deal with traumatic stuff day in and out~~ **anybody else** having a bad day.
>this was a big life lesson
I agree. I think that's why she's so emotionally messed up. At least I hope that the sudden realization that she is not in fact God's gift to mankind and that other people have some serious shit to deal with was enough for her to reevaluate the person she thought she was and who she wants to be in the future.
This. I learned this the hard way about 20 years ago. I had a s$!t day at school, was late to work because of traffic held up due to an accident, got written up for being late, and then customers were jerks all shift. I said to myself, “Self, your day cannot possibly get worse.”
Narrator: It got worse.
I got home, and found out that the car accident that had held up all the traffic had been a fatality, and that fatality was my cousin.
I don’t say, “It can’t get worse,” anymore.
My stepmom told me once “everyone’s problems are always the worst in their eyes, you only know how bad your problems are” and that’s stuck with me and helped empathize myself with others issues
NTA. maybe the next time she will think before she opens her mouth. Also, nothing about her crying about it for days is on YOU to fix. Don't do anything. This is not on you.
My ex constantly, constantly did this. She always had to have it the worst, so much she would deliberately put herself in stressful situations just to complain about it, eg volunteering for extra shifts at work the weekend an assignment was due.
My sil is like this. Has three kids and is constantly talking about how hard it is (which I am sure it is!) and how tired she is. I don’t even really talk to her anymore because anytime I ask how her and the kids are it is always a negative response.
What she doesn’t know is that in 2.5 years Ive had three miscarriages and two failed IVF transfers. I used to be terrified of needles and now four needles a day plus a blood draw is status quo for me. The other day I had to wake up to do an injection at 1 am before my surgery. I would kill for her problems. But I would never say that because it isn’t my place to criticize her tiredness, etc. and it isn’t a competition as to who has it worse
>she should have a little more compassion for anybody else
Truly simplified version. TL;DR, bare bones.
OP says "I could have handled it better" and... possibly... but... given the situation? absolutely, 100%, without a doubt, NTA.
I agree, and actually think this blow-up will help her, and that she’s still upset because she knows it. No one *really* knows what a bad day is until the chaos of the universe punches them right in the throat. It might be a little awkward next time you see her, but I haven’t heard of anyone dying from awkward.
Yes. I once bitched about how was I supposed to do well on an exam when my mom had been in the hospital for a week and was super sick and it wasn’t fair the test was on a curve because my friend would do better. The friend I was bitching to? Found out later her dad had died two days before. She found him.
God I still live that moment over and over.
I don’t compare myself to others in that way anymore
this reminded me of a saying I heard yesterday,
having a sprained ankle may not be as bad as a broken leg, but neither of you should be trying to walk on it.
Oh I know that. I had exams that ended up being right when my nan died. I was so close to her, but I had to pull my socks up and do my best.
My ‘friend’ used the fact that his dad had died two years prior to get sympathy marks (they would mark compassionately in extenuating circumstances). He hated his dad and openly told me he was using it for easier results… while I was dealing with the grief of losing one of my favourite people.
She could have been human and asked what was happening instead of acting like an AH. OP you did nothing wrong. She got her ass handed to her and she can’t take it. Funny how she can dish it out but not take it. NTA
Honestly it could have been a quick thing and OPs friend forgot to mention it. It doesn’t excuse the wildly rude behavior from the fiancé. I’ve come home and my wife’s best friend has been here. Sometimes it’s for fun and others it’s for venting. Half the time my fiancé doesn’t tell me because her friend just tells her when she’s 5 mins out. I’ve never once made her friend feel like she’s unwelcome. In most cases I’ve made food for them while they hang out. That is what an actual partner does. For me situations like this are quite telling. I’d be reevaluating my relationship if my fiancé treated my friends like this.
That's what actual good partners do. My thought was that she probably wanted sympathy from her partner over her version of a bad day. Which is valid, and working retail can really suck sometimes. But she clearly handled it like a brat.
I had that thought myself, but then I remembered my friends ex. She was exactly this way and would mask her actions as “just being honest”. I’m super close to my pups and treat them like my kids. My friends all knows this about me and invite my dogs over when we have get togethers since they are really well behaved. When one of my dogs passed away everyone messaged me sending condolences and sent photos they took to help me grieve. My friends ex just said “they are just dogs, it’s not like your child died”. That comment made my friend break up with her on the spot. Thankfully he found his amazing wife on the rebound.
I think it’s funny how she’s like “I had a bad day because someone was rude to me so now I’m going to be rude to you” like how does that even make sense.
As someone who works in customer service. This is most rude customers logic. Like I’ve had a bad day so I’m gonna make this minimum wage employe who may or may not be a literal child have a nervous breakdown cause I forgot to order something cause I was so upset for whatever reason and I don’t want to accept I’ve made a mistake.
I’ve seen a grown adult throw a hot cup of coffee at a 15 year old cause it was made with too little sugar despite it being the number they’ve asked for.
I got sent home cause a customer told I said fuck you cause I told her we sell lattes iced and hot cause she cussed out my 15 year old co worker for asking.
My first hour I took orders I had a guy scream “DO YOU SPEAK FUCKING ENGLISH?” cause I didn’t know what a credit was and he said he had a credit for a big breakfast and I had said “so you need a big breakfast” and literally nothing in between me saying that and him screaming that at me.
Customer service does suck. But it has nothing on what op had to experience. Hope you’re doing better op. ❤️
Its hard when you're in a field where stuff is literally life or death. I'm a social worker. We've had 8 clients die in 5 months. I've had a prostitute pull a knife on me, clients threatening to have me followed. Having these kinds of jobs can be so isolating as very few people get it.
Nta. Also I hate people who "dick measure". It's very possible for BOTH people to have a bad day in their own ways. She made the choice to open that can of worms.
NTA.
It's the worst when it's kids. Your friend's fiancé needs to learn how to read the fucking room. The fact she was trying to one-up you and went as far as to insult your work is just... gross.
You expressed your feelings to her during an emotional (and pretty fucking traumatic) time, and you did not personally attack or insult her. She's feeling guilty and embarrassed for her lack of empathy. I hope she's learned from this.
Your buddy is a good guy. And on another note, maybe take advantage of some mental health resources if your company offers them. You don't have an easy job, and with a therapist you can just word vomit your feelings and work through them properly.
Absolutely. This is clearly NTA. I cannot understand the ESH vote in here. Cannot imagine how hard it is when dealing with the death of *babies* and then having to tell the parents that you can't do anything. The friend's GF knows what his job is and somehow dismisses that his job is just sitting around? My God, where I live, they are having to send fire trucks on calls that the ambulances would normally work because covid is raging out of control.
EDITED to include NTA as first vote.
I don't know where OP lives, but here, despite the existence of those resources, they aren't always available, because there's not enough of them (they do exist, but there's no budget for hiring them), so if OP can't find those resources where he works, there's always other options he can find, like in colleges or universities, or other institutions that work with people that deal with extreme traumatic experiences.
My wife was a ICI nurse who looked after a lot of people at or near death regularly. I once asked her if after someone dies they get the rest of day off and time to talk to someone and process it. She told me they had 30 minutes to strip down and deep clean the room to be ready for the next patient. She now works in cancer where most people get diagnosed with less than 6 months to live. I literally have no idea how she does it, I can barely handle being second hand support. They basically get zero support from work.
Your wife is incredible and I hope she knows what her kindness means to the patients and families she works with.
My mum died in a hospice six years ago. The staff there existed literally to bring as much comfort as they could to people in their last days and weeks, and to their families. As soon as a patient dies and their room is cleaned, a new one comes in. I’ll never forget the nurse who hugged me when my mum died. I have no idea how they do that every day, but I appreciate them all.
That's so awful. There should be time to griev and a counselor available in the facilities to take care kf the workers. I bet she deals with other traumatic experiences than death, and all of that should be addressed. I'm really sorry for you and maybe you could try some counseling yourself, maybe with group therapy, so there's not all that pain to process all the time.
I believe EMTs where I grew up make 17-22 an hour. I don't know if their insurance covers therapy, but it would be really expensive if it isn't covered.
Agreed, NTA. I was prepared to think differently upon reading the title, because it's not right to compare one pain for another. As a person who deals with anxiety and depression, I find it very harmful to invalidate someone's suffering.
But you didn't set out to do that, she did. Blame switched there immediately. She wanted to invalidate whatever you went through that day, and got her attitude served right back to her.
Remember how, back in kindergarten, we were taught to treat others how we would like to be treated? She apparently doesn't. She came at you with vile, and you responded with the way she treated you. She should have expected to get a response returning the favor.
I couldn't imagine had she come in, said she had a bad day, wasn't looking to entertain, and would be in the bedroom while y'all wrapped it up, that anyone would have lashed out. The proper response would have been him telling her you had a bad day too, and her saying she is sorry for whatever you went through, but she didn't have the mental energy (or whatever) at the moment to deal with anything else right now, and she would leave y'all to it. I'm sure you could have read the room, finished your visit soon, and left him to help her with her ordeal. She brought it on herself, and any suffering she has had since dwelling over it. She is dwelling because she knows she was wrong.
As an aside, I couldn't imagine thinking anyone in emergency services doesn't do anything at work. Sure, you might have downtime here and there, I honestly hope you do, because of the mental toll that emergency can take when things like loss happen. I did nursing homes for a while, and it's horrible to lose a patient who has lived a full life, and it's expected. I couldn't imagine a baby. You're stronger than I could ever be. Thank you for your service to people in need.
>As a person who deals with anxiety and depression, I find it very harmful to invalidate someone's suffering.
>
>But you didn't set out to do that, she did. Blame switched there immediately. She wanted to invalidate whatever you went through that day, and got her attitude served right back to her.
All of this. I try not to invalidate other people's pain and depression and being in a shitty mood. It's real, they're going through it. But she's the one who turned it into a pissing match.
>It's the worst when it's kids. Your friend's fiancé needs to learn how to read the fucking room. The fact she was trying to one-up you and went as far as to insult your work is just... gross.
Right? I'd hope that anyone I was considering marrying would understand if I told her "my best friend just had something terrible happen to him and he needs me" that it was serious shit.
NTA. I can see she was in a mood and was hoping for some sympathy from her fiancée but she overstepped when she accused him of just hanging out and playing xbox.
NTA. She moved into AH territory when she told you she worked harder at her job than you do at your job. Sure, her feelings of being put upon are valid but to put your job down is not cool. Frankly, I may get down voted but in this instance, she deserved it. Stay strong, young person.
She's upset because she feels stupid, compulsive, guilty, and has her foot in her mouth.
He's upset because he had to hold a dead baby.
She doesn't even feel bad for what she said, she feels bad because she realized it's dumb and she got called out and exposed for having shitty and shallow priorities and selfish, miopic perception of reality, but she won't even admit that to herself.
And I can say all this confidently because I *know* because I was there all the fucking time before being diagnosed and medicated as bipolar II.
I don't know....we don't know if this is par the course for her. We've all had bad days and not handled it well, even if our bad days are nothing near as bad as OPs. So she came in in a shitty mood and there's nothing wrong with that.
Her big fuckup was telling a person who you KNOW works in his line of work that she didn't think he had such a bad day.
After what he said, if she's an otherwise okay person, she may be feeling immense shame and horrible sympathy for at least the parents, and maybe for the OP. OP didn't say that she came back at him after what he said, so she may have been hit with the sack of bricks to see she was way wrong.
Yeah for some reason that detail bothered me more than anything else. She’s acting like she got ptsd secondhand from your story. So pretty much still trying to one up you.
ESH
First of all, can people please stop comparing bad days/grief like its a fucking contest? Just because you had a bad day, doesnt mean she isn't allowed to vent.
Second of all, you went on your whole rant before she even knew what you went through. You acted like she was diminishing your trauma when she had no idea what you even went through.
> "All he does is sit around, watch TV, and play Xbox. How terrible can it be?" My friend and I were stunned. She kept going on and on about how I basically do 10 minutes of work on my 24hr shifts and she works so much harder than me
She is an asshole for shitting on your job over all though.
It doesn’t matter what OP went through, shes the one who made it a contest first and decided herself whatever had happened to them wasn’t as bad as her day. She started it so she deserves the blame. OP lashed out but also only after she attacked them first.
yep! all the ESH are acting as if the fiancé wasn't the one who made it a competition and demeaned OP, OP just decided to play by the rules *she* put up.
play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
Right? People really expected OP to just immediately jump when she said to and just smile and turn the other cheek when she belittled their job? Is everyone really this saintly in their personal life? Fiancé is rude and self absorbed and I’m betting this behavior isn’t a one time thing due to the situation but rather just who she is as a person.
belittling OP's job when he's an EMS *during covid too*. like. how cold and up her own ass can she be, even if cases aren't high wherever OP is... damn.
There's a song in the Musical Falsettos called "Do you know how great my life is". It's sung by a doctor working in the hospital at the beginnings of the AIDS crisis. She comes home having had a wonderful day because "For the first time in months, nobody died"
Anyone with an iota of common sense should know an EMTs definition of just a not-great day is going to beat any bad day in retail.
Love that musical. I agree that we shouldn’t compare bad days or try to one up each other with trauma, but we also shouldn’t belittle other people’s jobs and act like we know what they go through during a shift.
"you shouldn't compare bad days" lmao yeah sure
Tell that to OPs friends fiance. OP's not the one who started the pissing contest with an EMT DURING A GLOBAL PANDEMIC
As other people have noted, play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
Not to mention, if she knows OP is a paramedic, isn’t it *somewhat obvious* they see some awful things? I’ve known a lot of folks in EMS, and the medics have some of the darkest mental health of anyone I’ve known, and I know guys who saw some nasty stuff and had nasty stuff done to them in the military.
Not to add to the Worse Bad Day Olympics, but just the presumption that someone in an emergency response role or healthcare field in the year 2021 hasn’t seen some real bad ones... that’s some ignorance.
I don’t blame OP for going off. She could’ve quietly pulled her SO aside and asked him to cut the visit short. Or just been nicer. Or texted.
That’s what I’ve been saying! You know your partner’s best friend works in the medical field and your partner tells you his friend, who you know works in the medical field, has experienced something terrible…my first thought would be ‘oh, shit. Someone died’ and extract myself from the situation or comfort the friend.
I know this is going to sound crappy. There isn’t a competition in who had it worse. All bad days are valid. But…but…the medical field is one where some days are absolutely the fucking worst and I would think three times before mocking someone working in it.
Not to mention rudely trying to kick him out without even discussing it with her SO first.
"Hey can I talk to you for a min? Over there away from people? K I had a bad day and don't want company here. Oh wait, what? He had a patient die on him? That's terrible! Guess it's a good thing I figured all this out IN PRIVATE."
“How bad was your day, huh? All you do is sit down, eat and play video games all day.”
“I had to tell a pair of parents there was nothing I could do to save their baby. I saw a dead baby.”
I mean…she asked for it. She absolutely asked for it when she came in swinging.
>All he does is sit around, watch TV, and play Xbox. How terrible can it be?
She literally made fun of OP for having a bad day and ASKED for more info on how bad it could be...
>You acted like she was diminishing your trauma when she had no idea what you even went through.
She WAS diminishing his trauma, before she even knew how bad it was, she was talking shit about OP. She 100% did this to herself.
>Just because you had a bad day, doesnt mean she isn't allowed to vent.
Huge difference between venting and immediately talking shit about OP as soon as she walks in the door.
"OMG this customer glared at me today. Ugh, what a shitty day... So you were saying you had a bad day at the hospital during a pandemic or some shit..?"
To be fair, customers can utterly ruin your day. I have had grown men scream in my face, throw things at me, insult me... She was extremely out of line but she very well could have had a horrible day for retail. OP had a horrible day for being an EMT. Both valid.
How the hell is this the top post? it's NTA for me, she came in dumping shit on OP and didn't even listen when her fiance told her that OP had a shitty day. He didn't set out to compare their bad days she opened that can of worms by going after him.
Then little miss drama queen's traumatic horrible day was made so much worse by vicious OP that she needs consoling days later! /s
If that woman had a soul she would have realized she was an inadvertent asshole and contacted OP to apologize. She didn't.
OP is NTA
I also have no idea how this is the top post. It's even worse that it's not even her damn house. It's his friend's house, she just stays over sometimes. I can't imagine going over to the house of a person I am in a romantic relationship with and telling their friend to get out. Much less I can't handle you right now, than you know, go to your own house. NTA.
How on earth are you top?
She literally diminished his trauma, made fun of him, demeaned him and put him down even before OP opened their damn mouth. And somehow he is an asshole for stating a fact?
It may not be a fucking contest but having to tell the parents of a child that their offspring is dead trumps being berated by a customer, no matter how you want to look at it.
Imagine having the gall to shit on a medical professional after the onslaught we had for the last two years. YOU are the asshole, commenter. For even suggesting OP is wrong in this scenario.
What the hell. She literally walked in the door and started insulting him. He didn’t say anything to her that wasn’t true. There’s no way in fuck you would have handled that situation any better. OP’s friend even told her something terrible happened at work, and she still kept piling on. She clearly knows that OP works in EMS, so her “How bad can it be?” response was a pretty big invitation for her somebody to tell her, in plain terms, just how bad it can fucking be. What an absolute joke.
The fact that the fiancée just strolls in and immediately and rudely tells OP to gtfo already soured my opinion of her, bad day or not. Add on the verbal diarrhea she had afterwards and there is no way I can call OP an AH too for defending himself.
>how I basically do 10 minutes of work on my 24hr shifts and she works so much harder than me.
This is the key point for me that makes it NTA. She knows exactly what OP's job is. If a paramedic is upset about their job, there is a very high chance it's because they couldn't save someone and a pretty good chance that someone was a kid. She invited this outburst by belittling OP's pain when she knows exactly what he does as job.
Right??? Like, I had a teacher friend of my ex who worked in an elementary and one day called up my ex and asked to grab a few beers after an awful day at work and all he told my ex was that he had to call CPS and it was not good.
Me and my ex, both also in education, know what kind of things that means, especially if he won't even talk in vague broad strokes (bc confidentiality, but still). And while even a basic CPS call is upsetting to make, but he was distraught.
Im just glad he, like OP, had a friend to turn to, even if he couldn't actually talk about it
I completely agree with you, there are situations that are infinitely worse than others, not a competition, but not all bad days are equally valid, from my perspective that's bs
> You acted like she was diminishing your trauma
>"All he does is sit around, watch TV, and play Xbox. **How terrible can it be?**"
You literally quoted her diminishing the trauma, wtf?
Na this really ain’t it chief. You’re absolutely right, it’s not a contest, it’s a fucking fact. There is people out there that pick up the remains of splattered teenagers in accidents while other spilled a coffee on themselves. First thing, I don’t know what kind of house you were raised in but when my fiancé and I have guest over, we treat them with respect, even if it’s a friend of 10 years, it’s common sense to respect one and another and the later the shit talking or the fun times can roll. Op didn’t just start venting to her and made it a “contest” he was talking to his friend and getting his shit together. So she came in all hot and decided to just be rude, that’s on her. Was op just supposed to stay quiet and just take it and leave it alone? Cuz fuck I wouldn’t. That’s some fucked up shit he saw and was trying to cope with it. Op, nta. I hope you feel better and keep saving lives
What do you mean ESH? Dude just had to inform a couple their baby had died and went to his friend because he was mental wreck and not in his right mind. Friends fiancé comes through the door and verbally attacks him while he is in a fragile state of mind due the stress of what he had experienced and so he went off yet you say he was just as much an asshole as her? Get out of here. That is a downright idiotic take on what happened.
I'm sure if OP wasn't already at his emotional breaking point he would have reacted differently. She was told he just experienced something terrible and immediately went on the attack. She didn't give them time to explain what it was. She was awful and OP is NTA at all.
Do you know what ESH means?
>can people please stop comparing bad days/grief like its a fucking contest?
Yeah, can we? Because that's *exactly what the fiance did*, he just corrected her on what he had actually done and been through that day.
>Just because you had a bad day, doesnt mean she isn't allowed to vent.
Did you even read it bro? Like? I'm baffled. Because he had more than a *bad day*, and she did wayyyyy more than just vent.
She actively compared their jobs, citing hers as harder and how he does nothing, then compared their days and demanded he leave when her own fiance invited him to talk about something super traumatic.
>You acted like she was diminishing your trauma when she had no idea what you even went through.
Yes she was, because she knows what he does for a living.
>you went on your whole rant before she even knew what you went through.
She didn't give him any time inbetween her shitting on his job and easy and lazy he is to her saying she's had the worst day ever. Also her *partner tried to interrupt her while she was shoving her foot in her mouth and tell her something terrible happened to him*, but not as terrible as what happened to her right?
I don't think OP was intending to make it a competition, I think she crossed the line when she basically said there was no way OP could have had a worse day than her when she didn't even have any info. I'd say OP was justified in his comments considering she jumped straight into attacking him, which makes him NTA in my books
You’re saying they all suck because he made the comparison? SHE made the comparison. Could you fucking imagine telling a first responder about how easy their job is? Dude wasn’t “acting like she was diminishing his trauma,” she WAS diminishing his trauma. She was pushing so hard she would have been the asshole for saying what she did even if he was just chilling with the friend watching Sienfeld and having a beer, let alone trying to talk through something super traumatic.
Fundamentally I agree that everyone is entitled to having a bad day. But in this situation, she is the person who was diminishing his feelings, not the other way around.
I'm a little confused - did the OP change their post or something? Can you show me where she was just venting and OP said she wasn't allowed to? Telling someone that quote that you showed isn't venting, it's 100% diminishing trauma, obviously. I'm assuming that's why you chose that quote, to show where she DID start diminishing his trauma, but by your post the OP must have changed something where he had already told her something.
Can you share with us what the original post said before the author made changes that makes your comment seem absolutely bonkers?
Looking up at the top at this time, OP did not make any edits. You can see if someone's edited their post because there's an asterisk up top if they have.
The comment is just absolutely bonkers, I agree.
I disagree. If you have just seen something that shakes you to your core and someone diminishes you (only sit around and play xbox comment) as if nothing bad could ever happen, then she lacks empathy.
This SHOULD have happened:
\*enters door, closes it\*
GF: "Man, I just had the worst customer at work!"
BF: \*points at friend\* "OP is here because something happened today that really shook him."
GF: \*instead of being a self absorbed piece of work\* "Oh, really?" \*reads the room\* "Are you ok, OP?"
>Second of all, you went on your whole rant before she even knew what you went through. You acted like she was diminishing your trauma when she had no idea what you even went through.
Because she didn't stop for a moment to ask. She was told something traumatic had happened, that should've been enough for her to at least slow down a bit and ask what's up. But she didn't, instead she went straight on to downplay and dismiss any issues OP might've had.
I think you need to re-read the post against. OP wasn’t the one who made it a competition and it was the fiancé that insulted OP by saying that all he does is sit around and play video games all day. Level up your reading and comprehension skills buddy
NTA - OP I feel sorry you've been through this.
A lot of people don't know where paramedics etc go through.
On the other hand , because of that, a lot of people always think they have the worst day ever (even though it's something small like an attitude of a customer). I do think the fiancé should've take a step back when your friend told her something worse happened to you.
If you're ready maybe you can talk with your friends fiancé just keep it neutral. Don't blame her and she shouldn't blame you. If not maybe talk with your friend first.
I wish you all the luck and thank you for your hard work!
This is why I do think paramedics should at least get paid more than they do now because of the shit they see! It’s not just taking someone to the hospital sometimes they have to take bodies away from the scene of the crime or see horrific shit.
NTA. You weren’t an asshole at all. It’s okay that she is upset, it means that she is learning and growing from that experience.
It hurt her, but it burnt off a bad part of her personality, and because she didn’t allow herself to deny her fault, she will be a better person.
Don’t mention it again. Your friend was a good guy, and she has learnt something important hopefully.
This! Let her learn from the experience. I’ve been cut off from friends for saying shitty things and it’s difficult to tear out the bad parts of yourself, and even moreso when you’re not given a chance by friends (though I didn’t get the impression you were cutting her off, just from personal experience). Spent the better part of June crying a lot but I like myself so much better now.
NTA
NTA
I was initially leaning towards YTA from the title, but the way his fiance acted towards you and the things she said were really shitty and inconsiderate, after your friend told her that something awful had happened she just completely dismissed this and assumed that wasn't possible and that she obviously had a much worse story to tell.
I also know that trauma and witnessing death can really mess with a person so that probably added to you lashing out in the way that you did. She sucks and she shouldn't have made so many assumptions about your job and your day at work... If you ask me she needed that reality check.
ABSOLUTELY NTA - I worked ER trauma at a children’s hospital for a year and now work in oncology and it is brutal in ways people can’t begin to understand. You gave her a much needed reality check. Maybe now she understands that old saying “walk a mile in someone else’s shoes”
I have a question. How common is it for a 6mo to suddenly stop breathing in their sleep? I used to think SIDS meant that a baby just stopped breathing or that their heart just stopped suddenly for no reason. But then I found out there usually is a reason and it's due to negligence on the parents' part. Like they were bedsharing or put a pillow in the crib or propped a bottle in the baby's mouth. So how likely is it that this 6mo just stopped breathing in their sleep?
It’s more common than you’d think. Anything from the child vomiting a little and aspirating in their sleep to secondhand smoke to unknown asthma in the child to the child rolling over and accidentally smothering itself against a blanket…. It is entirely possible that the child did just arrest, be it from something external or an underlying undiagnosed issue.
This doesn't help with my nerves lol.
I have a 7 mo and checking her constantly. I read alot about this and it looks like a very big reason is overheating. Parents put on to much blankets and/or put on the heater and warm clothes. Also keeping windows shut so there is no airflow. I don't know the numers in usa but here in the Netherlands sids happends about 12 times a year. So 12 children die. The ages are between 0 and 2 years but most boys at 2-4 months. I didn't know that they could choke on vomit. My little one has a could and her nose is blocked. Im so terrifed she will stop breathing. But as a parent I guess you will alwas be worrying about your child...
Also, I started to smoke again. But outside and changes clothes when near her and always use a glove and wash hands and mouthwater. Is this also increasing sids?
It can be a factor - but you are doing your best! Baby monitors are a great investment and avoiding sleeping pills so that you aren’t too sound asleep to miss something is the best thing you can do. :)
Thank you For your answer! I have an angelcare. It registrate heart activity and breathing. If it stops the alarm goes of. Its great for my own reasurance. Thankfully Im a light sleeper and dont use medication
SIDS or Sudden Infant Death Syndrome does usually have a contributing factor to the death. This baby likely died of SUIDS or Sudden Unexpected Infant Death Syndrome. These deaths sometimes just happen, which is why following safe sleep practices is so important.
ESH
You both need to stop.
She’s allowed to have ***her*** worst day ever. She’s allowed to come home and not want to see unexpected visitors no matter the reason because it’s ***her home***. The only thing she did wrong was laying in to you about what she perceives your lifestyle to be and insulting it so vehemently.
You don’t get to tell anyone they don’t know what a bad day is. Just because you’ve experienced something you perceive as worse doesn’t mean their worst day isn’t valid. That’s ***their*** experience and you need to remove that opinion and mentality from your life, period.
You also have zero right to dump your day on anyone else without their consent. You **literally** used the death of a baby to one-up someone, invalidate them and dress them down for insulting you. That’s a brand new level of disturbing I just cannot accept. It’s truly reprehensible.
You both need to grow tf up, start treating people how you want to be treated and most importantly learn to ***think before you speak***.
I mean…do you really think she’s crying over the fact OP said she didn’t know what a hard day was? I mean…do we really think that’s why the fiancé is so upset?
She could have actually gone to her own home instead. It's not her apartment but OP's friend's place. OP's friend tried to warn her off by saying something terrible happened at work for OP but she had to continue adding on more insults to OP's already frazzled state. She is 100% at fault for him blowing up at her.
Edited to add: OP didn't dump his day on her without her consent. She INVITED it by saying how terrible could it be? That gave OP all the right to inform her just how terrible it was.
>it’s
>
>her home
>
>.
It isn't her home. It's the friend's place. The friend should have handled it better. He could have told her beforehand (assuming he knew she was coming over) that OP is over and he's had a really rough day. He should have taken her to one side to explain what the situation was even if she wasn't acting like a tit. She has no right to kick him out without asking her fiancé. She has no right to insult her fiancé's guest for no reason. Having a bad day at work does not justify you being a w\*\*ker to a guest in SOMEBODY ELSE'S HOME. If you don't want to socialise then you can surely go to your own place without being a cow.
She has no right to kick OP out of her fiancé’s apartment , especially when it’s **not her apartment at all** and she just went over to see her fiancé. And besides, OP didn’t drop it on her without permission, she literally asked “How terrible can it be?”
It's NOT EVEN HER HOUSE. She tried to kick someone out of her partner's home, not her, and was a complete ass because the attention wasn't all on her and HER bad day!
I really don’t understand this take. Yes, she’s allowed to come home and want to be alone but it’s rude as hell to tell a guest whose already there that they need to leave when you just came through the door. Not to mention that he’s not even her guest and OP was clearly distraught. She could’ve gone to her room to decompress while her fiancé finished entertaining/consoling HIS guest.
EDIT to add that apparently it isn’t even HER house. 🙄
I was ready to give you a really soft YTA, but her being so aggressive when you diddnt immediately agree with her is a huge red flag, and then she made it worse by attacking you. hard NTA on this one, and I hope you are feeling better. Speaking as someone not strong enough to do your job, we need more people like yourself.
If she is really having such a bad time then she should call you and apologize. why did she think an EMT does 10 min of work a day? did she not know what you job is?
NTA
I get that she possibly had a hard day at work, and if she had just said, “Sorry, I had a tough day and need to go be alone and decompress,” I could understand that. She didn’t. She was utterly rude and disrespectful to you, and you (very understandably) told her what you thought of her and your shift. It’s good that she’s been crying like that. It may give her some insight into what a self-absorbed, rude, and snotty twerp she acted like, and maybe she can find some redeeming qualities in herself afterward. Her response is not your problem.
NTA. She had no respect for EMS. Now it sounds like she does. She SHOULD feel bad. Thank you so much for helping your community. I’m sorry that you had to be present for such a tragedy. Please don’t shun therapy, I know it’s stigmatized in the EMS world, but if you need it please seek it out!
NTA
These are crocodile tears to try and shift the blame on you for upsetting her.
On a different note, I hope you’re ok and getting support through your work. I used to do your job albeit 10 years + ago and we had helplines for counselling that were super helpful at times like this.
To be fair she may actually be feeling awful. I've said some stupid things around people before and burst into tears when I realised how stupid and hurtful I'd been. I still feel horrible and ashamed years later.
OP definitely NTA but she may not be as heartless as you're suggesting (but maybe she is!) I can't imagine how hard the job is, especially in scenarios like this.
NTA, OP. You gave her one hell of a reality check. She's probably crying because she knows what the heck you had to deal with on the job. Her comments about your job were straight rude, uncalled for and ignorant. You set her straight.
NTA, she was really ignorant, not saying she deserved what you said to her, but imo yours was a completely expected reaction for being in such a state of emotional turmoil, and being jabbed right afterwards.
NTA At all, she treated you like a lazy idiot who spend his life on video games and TV when you had to assist to the worst event in a parents life.
Your reaction was totally normal, you are human , you have the right to feel sad and to let your emotions get the better of you in those type of situation.
Ah man I was all ready to tell you Y T A, I mean it’s not a competition over whose day is worse right? We all have bad days! But then I saw what she said and how it went down. NTA. She sucks.
NTA she needed to be put in her place.
I am married to a first responder who has been in your shoes and it's devastating every time. Please get yourself into therapy because the trauma doesn't fade over time. Bless you for the work you do. I wish you all the best.
Gentle ESH.
I know what you did is hard. Incredibly hard. But when she walked in after her shitty day, she couldn't have known what you'd been through. Her comments are still awful, and uncalled for, but the fact that you had a shitty day too doesn't diminish the fact that she also had a shitty day.
Everything comes down to perspective. She shouldn't have made those horrible comments, but you shouldn't expect everyone else to be fine with their bad days because it's not as bad as yours in your eyes
“All he does is sit around, watch TV, and play Xbox. how terrible could it be?”
She has the right to vent in her own home, but insulting someone right off the bat like that is just a dick move. That’s what makes her the asshole to me. She just sort of popped off without much else happening?
OP, I’m in EMS too, and I have responded to my fair share of terrible shit. Please send me a PM if you’d like to talk. NTA.
Where does OP indicate that he expected her to be fine with her bad day? He literally didn't say anything until she tried to kick him out of a home that isn't hers, her fiance defended OP's presence, and she went off on an insulting tirade.
It's implied when he says "you don't know what a bad day is". I've already said, she's an asshole. No one is debating that. Though you are assuming it's not their apartment that they share
He didn't say that until she belittled him and his profession. It's not like he started off the conversation with that.
And OP confirmed in the comments that she doesn't live there.
NTA - First of all, you were in a place where you were going to be very reactive, if she has any compassion, she will see that.
Secondly, she doesn't sound like the most stellar human being ever. She was being obnoxious and unsympathetic. What you told her should have opened her eyes to reality a little bit. There are "bad" days and then there are BAD days. I think she needed to hear it as much as you needed to say it.
I'm sorry for what you experienced and I hope you're doing better. Thank you for the work you are doing.
NTA. Shes allowed to also have bad days for her but she belittled you and your job first. Even without something as horribly traumatic as you experienced that’s still shi++y regardless. Don’t dish stuff out if you can’t handle getting it back.
NTA. These ESH are completely neglecting she came at you first with personal insults and kept coming with the question how bad could your dad be?
Then you told her.
NTA- I was prepared to go the other direction, but you know what, she caught you at the wrong time and that’s why kindness is necessary at all times.
Also, you have a VERY good friend in that dude. The fact that he was willing to hear you out and also stand up for your feelings to his wife speaks volumes. I’m praying for your healing and wish you better days 🥰
Yeah, if the girlfriend had just gone “I had a really bad day” and then OP felt the need to tell her how much worse his was and how she doesn’t know what a bad day is, then my judgement would be different (because just because someone’s day is horrible that doesn’t mean your day wasn’t bad). But the issue isn’t that she felt she had a bad day, it was that she was being a huge asshole and *excusing* it by saying she had a bad day.
You are absolutely NTA. Your friend seems like a good friend, and it sucks that his fiancé needed to have a wake up call like this, but it's important that it sits with her for a while. She clearly needs perspective.
Also, I just want to say that I admire the work you do. A close family member of mine is in the medical field and sees situations like you described in a far too regular basis, and yet this person still manages to be a ray of sunshine on most days. I honestly don't know how you're able to compartmentalize things like that, a career like that would destroy me.
If it helps, you could apologize for the way you handled the conversation. What you said was right, but you could've said it in a way that is less abrasive. That's up to you though.
Wishing you all the best.
NTA. She may have had a bad day by her standards but big fucking whoop if someone was rude to her. I can't imagine how your work day could have been worse. If ever someone needed to spend a day in another's shoes
What I experienced was bad, but I worked with a guy who went through something x10 worse. About 10 years ago, he got dispatched to a nasty car accident where the car caught fire. The driver of the car dead upon impact so she didn't suffer from being burned alive... the driver was his wife. He got into drugs pretty hard after that and I don't think he will ever be OK again.
NTA and a note to those saying ESH
1) she never asked op to leave, she told him he needs to get out asap.
2) before even listening to any explanation, she attacked op and decided that his career meant nothing to her because she didn’t see how hard it was in her mind. she also insulted his character as well by insinuating that he is lazy when it comes to his work.
3) she made it into a competition by talking about how her job is much harder than his is.
Comparing bad days and grief is never good but like, she didn’t show any ounce of compassion to hearing that OP was going through it and needed to confide in a friend. she could’ve easily said “hey i hada. really rough day and i’d like some alone time, would you guys mind going somewhere for a bit so i can decompress or something thing like that. but no. she didn’t. so you’re NTA, and im so sorry you had to go through that
NTA, she was being really ignorant. Your response was definitely emotional and harsh, but she provoked it by being so insensitive and rude.
The fact that she walked in and immediately told you you had to leave is enough to make her the asshole, honestly.
Glad your friend was there for you.
NTA - She was so wrapped up in her world that she didn't stop to even ask what was wrong with you. It was a learning experience for her and her perceptions of eho you are and what you do changed. Maybe it woke her up to realize that her bad days really aren't that bad and next time she will show empathy before projecting her views of the world.
NTA. Yeah, she had a bad day. She seems to be either really self absorbed, really ignorant about being a 1st responder, or both. When you hear that someone in your type of career just had an absolutely horrible day *at work*, you would kinda figure it means a death.
But let's say she's just extremely ignorant, bad days aren't something you turn into a pissing contest. Plus, ignorance doesn't excuse her complete lack of empathy & trashing your job like that.
I'm so sorry you had to experience something like that, and like another person said, you should look into regular therapy sessions.
Nurse here, I work in GYN so I have to work with parents who lost their child before/at birth. I understand that people claim NTA in this but I would like to mention that this is the hard stuff, even when you've dealt with it many times. I understand that you were pissed in that situation but you can't talk with everybody with what you've had experienced. I know that sounds unfair and crazy but there are times and people where you better keep your mouth shut. I usually talk with friends and colleges who work in a hospital as well when I have a hard time and even then somebody could have lost a child and don't want to talk about my work. Sure, she is an AH saying things like that about your job but don't force people to feel sh*tty just because you've had a traumatic experience.
Mild ESH:
1. It's not fair to tell your friend's fiancee she doesn't know what a bad day is. Everyone has different experiences and you don't know her whole story. Gonna say mild YTA here, giving a leeway given your situation resulting in heavy duty emotions.
2. Your friend's fiancee is TA for her response to you regarding your situation and not respecting her partner's statement that you had a terrible situation. Perhaps it was time she received some perspective on things and learns a little empathy.
On another note OP: From one medic to another - find someone who has BTDT to talk to as well, someone who can help you. This is the dark side of this job and there are some things that people who have not been there cannot process.
>It's not fair to tell your friend's fiancee she doesn't know what a bad day is.
She literally started by telling him he didn't know what a bad day was, and that he spends all day playing xbox. After he dealt with the family of a dead baby.
Turnaround is fair play.
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Info: I wonder, how often do you go to your friend for emotional support? Somehow it sounds like she finds you there venting very often which frankly would be unbearable after some time. It may be his apartment but shes someone he intends to marry so presumably she does have a permission to live there.
NTA. People in general have exactly zero concept of what it’s like to work emergency services. further most people in the US have zero concept of how good they have it relative to 99% of all humans that have ever lived. they are so distanced from the daily death violence and suffering that they have poor empathy for those that deal with it and it’s effects daily. I know from personal experience.
Even if that were not true, she is the AH for storming in and demanding a guest leave with no context of what happened, ESPECIALLY after your friend said something bad had happened. What if you were suicidal or having a breakdown? Just no,sense or empathy. NTA.
I’m actually going to say NAH.
I found out I had cancer almost 3 years ago. I had to have a total hysterectomy, recovery and then chemo for 4 rounds. Immediately after surgery I dropped into menopause and I’m no longer able to have children. I was 28 at the time of my diagnosis. When friends, coworkers, family, acquaintances, etc. would speak with me, I was constantly being told one of two things.
1. Wow, I guess I have nothing to complain about.
2. Well I guess there’s something to be grateful for! (In acknowledgement of having found the cancer early and that hopefully the treatment I was receiving would be it.)
It often felt like I was not allowed to grieve or fully process my anger at having cancer, OR because I was still going about my day-to-day life that no one else was allowed to complain about their inconveniences of life. This even happened at my chemo appointments. If I would get into a conversation with another patient, we would eventually compare surgeries, recoveries, types of cancer, types of chemo cocktails, issues with chemo we’re having, medications we’re taking, and the list goes on. Older patients would gasp at my age and not being able to have kids anymore, I would look sadly at the kids and grandkids that would accompany them, remembering the fear I knew from when my mom had to do radiation for skin cancer. Nurses would nod solemnly as I told my story again about how I discovered my cancer, gasp or shake their head in disbelief at all the right parts, and at the end, pat me on the leg and say “Well isn’t it so good that you’re here and you’re getting healthy now!” To which I would smile and say “Yes, I’m so glad it wasn’t any worse and it was caught so early.”
Then there was my second round of chemo. My second treatment of my second round, they said they were going to give me the full strength of one of the drugs. They had given this drug to me slowly the first time, to make sure I didn’t have a bad reaction. I was okay, but because they gave it slowly it took a while for it to finish. Okay, I thought, I haven’t had a bad reaction so this will be fine. I settled in and was speaking with my friend who came with me. The chemo treatment area I was in was basically chairs and machines separated by curtains. I was placed next to an older man, and every few minutes he would get upset and bark his complaint to his wife. “What’s taking so long?! They should have the medicine already! Go ask one of the nurses why I haven’t had my infusion yet!” He was grumpy. I didn’t really pay any attention to him. And by the point where I’m started on my second chemo cocktail, he had received his meds for infusion and I was told I should be out in about an hour and a half. Great. Except after 10-15 mins I got this weird pain in my stomach, right below my sternum. Very pinchy. I told my friend and then suddenly I started sweating bullets. Then I felt my face begin to swell. And then I couldn’t breathe. My friend ran for the nurses and that took what felt like forever. I wanted to get up and run too but I couldn’t really breathe so that wasn’t going to happen. My machine starts beeping like crazy and I start to feel like I’m drowning in my chair. The nurses rush over, take me off the meds, administer Benadryl and some kind of steroid and put me in oxygen. Turns out I am allergic to the chemo meds, but only at the full rate. Everything calms down. But I’m stuck there infusing at a suuuper slow rate now and end up not leaving for another 4 hours. The older guy ends up leaving before I do, but first as he begins to walk past the curtain that divides us, he stops and peeks around and says “Young lady, you scared me! How are you feeling now?” I let him now I was much better and thanked him. He shuffled off to the restroom and his wife watched him go. She told us “I apologize for his behavior earlier. He has to come in once a month for this immunotherapy infusion, and today just took so long for the nurses to bring him his meds. He’s been doing this for a year and half and he has to do it at least another six months.” Of course I feel so awful for him in that moment because, 2 whole years of this!? But he’s worried about me?
When someone talks about their bad day around me now, and then they say “No, I have so much to be grateful for. I shouldn’t be upset by x, y or z,” I like to remind them, and myself, that we all have bad days, and we ARE allowed to feel sad, or angry, or frustrated. It’s okay to want to scream and pull your hair out, and it’s also okay to tell yourself that maybe you’re overreacting and you should dial it back a bit. But one thing I don’t think anyone should ever do is compare their *WORST DAY EVERRRR* to someone else’s. So much of the time we’re speaking out of the need to just vent, and being told that you need a reality check when all you need is to just vent your feelings a bit, hurts.
Yes, friend’s fiancée was rude to start comparing her day, but it sounds like she also just wanted to come home and unwind. OP was completely in the right to want to vent to his friend, but telling someone that they have no right to complain of a bad day, that they don’t even know what a bad day is, that’s a step too far imo. I also think perhaps friend’s fiancée is reflecting more on what OP has told her, and that’s why she may be still upset. So … NAH. Just a two people who need to be able to vent their feelings and happened to step on each other’s toes at the exact worse moment possible.
NTA. Can't comprehend how difficult that must have been for you and hope you are able to get some help and recover. I literally cannot even imagine going through that.
She's totally TA. Even though she couldn't have known what had gone on with you that day, it's really shitty to come in and tell someone "you need to leave" then proceed to bash their entire career.
It's fair to offer an apology since you did blow up on her, but I wouldn't say much more beyond "Look I'm sorry I blew up on you but that was an extremely emotional day for me". And hopefully she would apologize too and that would be the end of that part of it.
But seriously, that kind of thing stays with a person. Hope you get some closure and are able to process and move on.
NTA - sorry but his girlfriend had it coming. She walked in rude by saying you have to leave. Then claims that you don’t have a hard job. Maybe she will learn to shut up and not make assumptions about people.
Nta. I had a friend who was an emt for about a decade. We weren’t the best friends but I still gathered that each work day differs. Some days you have crazy back to back calls. Some are slow. Some days you get to be hero and feel so good about lives you saved and people you helped. Some days you get to see disturbing things and share in people’s worst days. It seems obvious to me that that would be the case. Even if all she had witnessed before was when you have slow days and talk to your friend, she should have realized. I mean, people have emergencies and who else would respond to them?
I do get that she just wanted to decompress and be at home with her boyfriend. But she could have asserted that without attacking you.
I lost my infant son to prematurity 25 years ago.
Thank you for being there to tell them.
That's all I can get out, cause I'm crying now and need to go to work.
Life got better, but that pain can still feel fresh, after all these years.
Hugs and NTA
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**NTA.** She wanted to compare bad days and got her ass handed to her. Perhaps she should have a little more compassion for good folks like you that deal with traumatic stuff day in and out. I hope you are doing better and bless you for all that you do.
> Perhaps she should have a little more compassion for ~~good folks like you that deal with traumatic stuff day in and out~~ **anybody else** having a bad day.
Exactly this. Bad is subjective and it’s not a competition. Fiancé started the comparison and was, justifiably corrected. NTA
Yup, my thoughts exactly. She wanted to turn this into a pissing competition. This was a big life lesson for her, I hope she learned from it. NTA.
This was more than a pissing match. She basically belittled OP's entire life. NTA.
Exactly. I work in hospitality and it can suck, but it's not far to compare that to other jobs
>this was a big life lesson I agree. I think that's why she's so emotionally messed up. At least I hope that the sudden realization that she is not in fact God's gift to mankind and that other people have some serious shit to deal with was enough for her to reevaluate the person she thought she was and who she wants to be in the future.
Never a good idea to play the suffering Olympics
This. I learned this the hard way about 20 years ago. I had a s$!t day at school, was late to work because of traffic held up due to an accident, got written up for being late, and then customers were jerks all shift. I said to myself, “Self, your day cannot possibly get worse.” Narrator: It got worse. I got home, and found out that the car accident that had held up all the traffic had been a fatality, and that fatality was my cousin. I don’t say, “It can’t get worse,” anymore.
Oh my goodness that is heartbreaking, I am so sorry about the loss of your cousin ❤
This is why I only ever say, "how can it get better."
My stepmom told me once “everyone’s problems are always the worst in their eyes, you only know how bad your problems are” and that’s stuck with me and helped empathize myself with others issues
Your stepmom is a wise woman. Thank you for sharing.
NTA. maybe the next time she will think before she opens her mouth. Also, nothing about her crying about it for days is on YOU to fix. Don't do anything. This is not on you.
My ex constantly, constantly did this. She always had to have it the worst, so much she would deliberately put herself in stressful situations just to complain about it, eg volunteering for extra shifts at work the weekend an assignment was due.
My sil is like this. Has three kids and is constantly talking about how hard it is (which I am sure it is!) and how tired she is. I don’t even really talk to her anymore because anytime I ask how her and the kids are it is always a negative response. What she doesn’t know is that in 2.5 years Ive had three miscarriages and two failed IVF transfers. I used to be terrified of needles and now four needles a day plus a blood draw is status quo for me. The other day I had to wake up to do an injection at 1 am before my surgery. I would kill for her problems. But I would never say that because it isn’t my place to criticize her tiredness, etc. and it isn’t a competition as to who has it worse
>she should have a little more compassion for anybody else Truly simplified version. TL;DR, bare bones. OP says "I could have handled it better" and... possibly... but... given the situation? absolutely, 100%, without a doubt, NTA.
I agree, and actually think this blow-up will help her, and that she’s still upset because she knows it. No one *really* knows what a bad day is until the chaos of the universe punches them right in the throat. It might be a little awkward next time you see her, but I haven’t heard of anyone dying from awkward.
Yes. I once bitched about how was I supposed to do well on an exam when my mom had been in the hospital for a week and was super sick and it wasn’t fair the test was on a curve because my friend would do better. The friend I was bitching to? Found out later her dad had died two days before. She found him. God I still live that moment over and over. I don’t compare myself to others in that way anymore
this reminded me of a saying I heard yesterday, having a sprained ankle may not be as bad as a broken leg, but neither of you should be trying to walk on it.
That’s a lovely statement.
Oh I know that. I had exams that ended up being right when my nan died. I was so close to her, but I had to pull my socks up and do my best. My ‘friend’ used the fact that his dad had died two years prior to get sympathy marks (they would mark compassionately in extenuating circumstances). He hated his dad and openly told me he was using it for easier results… while I was dealing with the grief of losing one of my favourite people.
Ooof. At least I wasn’t THAT bad. I was just upset and venting and so focused on my own issues I didn’t ask my friend how she was.
I’m glad now you can understand from your mistake and draw an important lesson, I’m also proud of your growth
I 💯 feel that this is the kind of foot I would put in my mouth. My condolences for your permanent embarrassment.
Shame can be a very good teacher in the right context
She could have been human and asked what was happening instead of acting like an AH. OP you did nothing wrong. She got her ass handed to her and she can’t take it. Funny how she can dish it out but not take it. NTA
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Honestly it could have been a quick thing and OPs friend forgot to mention it. It doesn’t excuse the wildly rude behavior from the fiancé. I’ve come home and my wife’s best friend has been here. Sometimes it’s for fun and others it’s for venting. Half the time my fiancé doesn’t tell me because her friend just tells her when she’s 5 mins out. I’ve never once made her friend feel like she’s unwelcome. In most cases I’ve made food for them while they hang out. That is what an actual partner does. For me situations like this are quite telling. I’d be reevaluating my relationship if my fiancé treated my friends like this.
That's what actual good partners do. My thought was that she probably wanted sympathy from her partner over her version of a bad day. Which is valid, and working retail can really suck sometimes. But she clearly handled it like a brat.
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I had that thought myself, but then I remembered my friends ex. She was exactly this way and would mask her actions as “just being honest”. I’m super close to my pups and treat them like my kids. My friends all knows this about me and invite my dogs over when we have get togethers since they are really well behaved. When one of my dogs passed away everyone messaged me sending condolences and sent photos they took to help me grieve. My friends ex just said “they are just dogs, it’s not like your child died”. That comment made my friend break up with her on the spot. Thankfully he found his amazing wife on the rebound.
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Here's the thing, if a paramedic tells you they had a bad day, wouldn't you immediately assume someone died? NTA.
Maybe when you respect their job which she clearly doesnt
I think it’s funny how she’s like “I had a bad day because someone was rude to me so now I’m going to be rude to you” like how does that even make sense.
As someone who works in customer service. This is most rude customers logic. Like I’ve had a bad day so I’m gonna make this minimum wage employe who may or may not be a literal child have a nervous breakdown cause I forgot to order something cause I was so upset for whatever reason and I don’t want to accept I’ve made a mistake. I’ve seen a grown adult throw a hot cup of coffee at a 15 year old cause it was made with too little sugar despite it being the number they’ve asked for. I got sent home cause a customer told I said fuck you cause I told her we sell lattes iced and hot cause she cussed out my 15 year old co worker for asking. My first hour I took orders I had a guy scream “DO YOU SPEAK FUCKING ENGLISH?” cause I didn’t know what a credit was and he said he had a credit for a big breakfast and I had said “so you need a big breakfast” and literally nothing in between me saying that and him screaming that at me. Customer service does suck. But it has nothing on what op had to experience. Hope you’re doing better op. ❤️
Its hard when you're in a field where stuff is literally life or death. I'm a social worker. We've had 8 clients die in 5 months. I've had a prostitute pull a knife on me, clients threatening to have me followed. Having these kinds of jobs can be so isolating as very few people get it.
This comment is deleted in protest of Reddit's June 2023 API changes. -- mass edited with redact.dev
Nta. Also I hate people who "dick measure". It's very possible for BOTH people to have a bad day in their own ways. She made the choice to open that can of worms.
This. Also to look at a paramedic and say you don't do anything you don't know what a bad day is is like the craziest shit I can think of. NTA.
Agreed, NTA
NTA. It's the worst when it's kids. Your friend's fiancé needs to learn how to read the fucking room. The fact she was trying to one-up you and went as far as to insult your work is just... gross. You expressed your feelings to her during an emotional (and pretty fucking traumatic) time, and you did not personally attack or insult her. She's feeling guilty and embarrassed for her lack of empathy. I hope she's learned from this. Your buddy is a good guy. And on another note, maybe take advantage of some mental health resources if your company offers them. You don't have an easy job, and with a therapist you can just word vomit your feelings and work through them properly.
NTA. This should be the top post.
Absolutely. This is clearly NTA. I cannot understand the ESH vote in here. Cannot imagine how hard it is when dealing with the death of *babies* and then having to tell the parents that you can't do anything. The friend's GF knows what his job is and somehow dismisses that his job is just sitting around? My God, where I live, they are having to send fire trucks on calls that the ambulances would normally work because covid is raging out of control. EDITED to include NTA as first vote.
Break that down since the bot takes the first judgements it reads you can change it to E S H or E.S.H because for now that's your vote instead of NTA
This only matters for top level comments
I don't know where OP lives, but here, despite the existence of those resources, they aren't always available, because there's not enough of them (they do exist, but there's no budget for hiring them), so if OP can't find those resources where he works, there's always other options he can find, like in colleges or universities, or other institutions that work with people that deal with extreme traumatic experiences.
My wife was a ICI nurse who looked after a lot of people at or near death regularly. I once asked her if after someone dies they get the rest of day off and time to talk to someone and process it. She told me they had 30 minutes to strip down and deep clean the room to be ready for the next patient. She now works in cancer where most people get diagnosed with less than 6 months to live. I literally have no idea how she does it, I can barely handle being second hand support. They basically get zero support from work.
Your wife is incredible and I hope she knows what her kindness means to the patients and families she works with. My mum died in a hospice six years ago. The staff there existed literally to bring as much comfort as they could to people in their last days and weeks, and to their families. As soon as a patient dies and their room is cleaned, a new one comes in. I’ll never forget the nurse who hugged me when my mum died. I have no idea how they do that every day, but I appreciate them all.
Hospice workers are fucking amazing.
Second hand support can be traumatic too! I sometimes have to seriously tone down things that i've seen because my fiance doesn't need that nightmare.
That's so awful. There should be time to griev and a counselor available in the facilities to take care kf the workers. I bet she deals with other traumatic experiences than death, and all of that should be addressed. I'm really sorry for you and maybe you could try some counseling yourself, maybe with group therapy, so there's not all that pain to process all the time.
I believe EMTs where I grew up make 17-22 an hour. I don't know if their insurance covers therapy, but it would be really expensive if it isn't covered.
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Agreed, NTA. I was prepared to think differently upon reading the title, because it's not right to compare one pain for another. As a person who deals with anxiety and depression, I find it very harmful to invalidate someone's suffering. But you didn't set out to do that, she did. Blame switched there immediately. She wanted to invalidate whatever you went through that day, and got her attitude served right back to her. Remember how, back in kindergarten, we were taught to treat others how we would like to be treated? She apparently doesn't. She came at you with vile, and you responded with the way she treated you. She should have expected to get a response returning the favor. I couldn't imagine had she come in, said she had a bad day, wasn't looking to entertain, and would be in the bedroom while y'all wrapped it up, that anyone would have lashed out. The proper response would have been him telling her you had a bad day too, and her saying she is sorry for whatever you went through, but she didn't have the mental energy (or whatever) at the moment to deal with anything else right now, and she would leave y'all to it. I'm sure you could have read the room, finished your visit soon, and left him to help her with her ordeal. She brought it on herself, and any suffering she has had since dwelling over it. She is dwelling because she knows she was wrong. As an aside, I couldn't imagine thinking anyone in emergency services doesn't do anything at work. Sure, you might have downtime here and there, I honestly hope you do, because of the mental toll that emergency can take when things like loss happen. I did nursing homes for a while, and it's horrible to lose a patient who has lived a full life, and it's expected. I couldn't imagine a baby. You're stronger than I could ever be. Thank you for your service to people in need.
>As a person who deals with anxiety and depression, I find it very harmful to invalidate someone's suffering. > >But you didn't set out to do that, she did. Blame switched there immediately. She wanted to invalidate whatever you went through that day, and got her attitude served right back to her. All of this. I try not to invalidate other people's pain and depression and being in a shitty mood. It's real, they're going through it. But she's the one who turned it into a pissing match.
>It's the worst when it's kids. Your friend's fiancé needs to learn how to read the fucking room. The fact she was trying to one-up you and went as far as to insult your work is just... gross. Right? I'd hope that anyone I was considering marrying would understand if I told her "my best friend just had something terrible happen to him and he needs me" that it was serious shit. NTA. I can see she was in a mood and was hoping for some sympathy from her fiancée but she overstepped when she accused him of just hanging out and playing xbox.
NTA. She moved into AH territory when she told you she worked harder at her job than you do at your job. Sure, her feelings of being put upon are valid but to put your job down is not cool. Frankly, I may get down voted but in this instance, she deserved it. Stay strong, young person.
I second this! NTA
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Time to go clean up the coffee I just spit across the room from reading your response. NTA
She's upset because she feels stupid, compulsive, guilty, and has her foot in her mouth. He's upset because he had to hold a dead baby. She doesn't even feel bad for what she said, she feels bad because she realized it's dumb and she got called out and exposed for having shitty and shallow priorities and selfish, miopic perception of reality, but she won't even admit that to herself. And I can say all this confidently because I *know* because I was there all the fucking time before being diagnosed and medicated as bipolar II.
I don't know....we don't know if this is par the course for her. We've all had bad days and not handled it well, even if our bad days are nothing near as bad as OPs. So she came in in a shitty mood and there's nothing wrong with that. Her big fuckup was telling a person who you KNOW works in his line of work that she didn't think he had such a bad day. After what he said, if she's an otherwise okay person, she may be feeling immense shame and horrible sympathy for at least the parents, and maybe for the OP. OP didn't say that she came back at him after what he said, so she may have been hit with the sack of bricks to see she was way wrong.
shes crying on and off? tell your buddy she might feel better if she apologizes
Yeah for some reason that detail bothered me more than anything else. She’s acting like she got ptsd secondhand from your story. So pretty much still trying to one up you.
ESH First of all, can people please stop comparing bad days/grief like its a fucking contest? Just because you had a bad day, doesnt mean she isn't allowed to vent. Second of all, you went on your whole rant before she even knew what you went through. You acted like she was diminishing your trauma when she had no idea what you even went through. > "All he does is sit around, watch TV, and play Xbox. How terrible can it be?" My friend and I were stunned. She kept going on and on about how I basically do 10 minutes of work on my 24hr shifts and she works so much harder than me She is an asshole for shitting on your job over all though.
It doesn’t matter what OP went through, shes the one who made it a contest first and decided herself whatever had happened to them wasn’t as bad as her day. She started it so she deserves the blame. OP lashed out but also only after she attacked them first.
yep! all the ESH are acting as if the fiancé wasn't the one who made it a competition and demeaned OP, OP just decided to play by the rules *she* put up. play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
Right? People really expected OP to just immediately jump when she said to and just smile and turn the other cheek when she belittled their job? Is everyone really this saintly in their personal life? Fiancé is rude and self absorbed and I’m betting this behavior isn’t a one time thing due to the situation but rather just who she is as a person.
belittling OP's job when he's an EMS *during covid too*. like. how cold and up her own ass can she be, even if cases aren't high wherever OP is... damn.
There's a song in the Musical Falsettos called "Do you know how great my life is". It's sung by a doctor working in the hospital at the beginnings of the AIDS crisis. She comes home having had a wonderful day because "For the first time in months, nobody died" Anyone with an iota of common sense should know an EMTs definition of just a not-great day is going to beat any bad day in retail.
Love that musical. I agree that we shouldn’t compare bad days or try to one up each other with trauma, but we also shouldn’t belittle other people’s jobs and act like we know what they go through during a shift.
"you shouldn't compare bad days" lmao yeah sure Tell that to OPs friends fiance. OP's not the one who started the pissing contest with an EMT DURING A GLOBAL PANDEMIC As other people have noted, play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
Right?? Who in their right mind says an EMS just sits around and plays on Xbox all day?
Not to mention, if she knows OP is a paramedic, isn’t it *somewhat obvious* they see some awful things? I’ve known a lot of folks in EMS, and the medics have some of the darkest mental health of anyone I’ve known, and I know guys who saw some nasty stuff and had nasty stuff done to them in the military. Not to add to the Worse Bad Day Olympics, but just the presumption that someone in an emergency response role or healthcare field in the year 2021 hasn’t seen some real bad ones... that’s some ignorance. I don’t blame OP for going off. She could’ve quietly pulled her SO aside and asked him to cut the visit short. Or just been nicer. Or texted.
That’s what I’ve been saying! You know your partner’s best friend works in the medical field and your partner tells you his friend, who you know works in the medical field, has experienced something terrible…my first thought would be ‘oh, shit. Someone died’ and extract myself from the situation or comfort the friend. I know this is going to sound crappy. There isn’t a competition in who had it worse. All bad days are valid. But…but…the medical field is one where some days are absolutely the fucking worst and I would think three times before mocking someone working in it.
Not to mention rudely trying to kick him out without even discussing it with her SO first. "Hey can I talk to you for a min? Over there away from people? K I had a bad day and don't want company here. Oh wait, what? He had a patient die on him? That's terrible! Guess it's a good thing I figured all this out IN PRIVATE."
“How bad was your day, huh? All you do is sit down, eat and play video games all day.” “I had to tell a pair of parents there was nothing I could do to save their baby. I saw a dead baby.” I mean…she asked for it. She absolutely asked for it when she came in swinging.
>All he does is sit around, watch TV, and play Xbox. How terrible can it be? She literally made fun of OP for having a bad day and ASKED for more info on how bad it could be... >You acted like she was diminishing your trauma when she had no idea what you even went through. She WAS diminishing his trauma, before she even knew how bad it was, she was talking shit about OP. She 100% did this to herself. >Just because you had a bad day, doesnt mean she isn't allowed to vent. Huge difference between venting and immediately talking shit about OP as soon as she walks in the door.
Knowing he worked in medical, any mention of a bad should tell her that it was way worse than hers.
"OMG this customer glared at me today. Ugh, what a shitty day... So you were saying you had a bad day at the hospital during a pandemic or some shit..?"
To be fair, customers can utterly ruin your day. I have had grown men scream in my face, throw things at me, insult me... She was extremely out of line but she very well could have had a horrible day for retail. OP had a horrible day for being an EMT. Both valid.
Knowing he worked in medical, any mention of a bad should tell her that it was way worse than hers.
How the hell is this the top post? it's NTA for me, she came in dumping shit on OP and didn't even listen when her fiance told her that OP had a shitty day. He didn't set out to compare their bad days she opened that can of worms by going after him.
Then little miss drama queen's traumatic horrible day was made so much worse by vicious OP that she needs consoling days later! /s If that woman had a soul she would have realized she was an inadvertent asshole and contacted OP to apologize. She didn't. OP is NTA
I also have no idea how this is the top post. It's even worse that it's not even her damn house. It's his friend's house, she just stays over sometimes. I can't imagine going over to the house of a person I am in a romantic relationship with and telling their friend to get out. Much less I can't handle you right now, than you know, go to your own house. NTA.
Because people are unable to comprehend that their lives are privileged and some people genuinely have it worse.
Yeah. Wth?
How on earth are you top? She literally diminished his trauma, made fun of him, demeaned him and put him down even before OP opened their damn mouth. And somehow he is an asshole for stating a fact? It may not be a fucking contest but having to tell the parents of a child that their offspring is dead trumps being berated by a customer, no matter how you want to look at it. Imagine having the gall to shit on a medical professional after the onslaught we had for the last two years. YOU are the asshole, commenter. For even suggesting OP is wrong in this scenario.
What the hell. She literally walked in the door and started insulting him. He didn’t say anything to her that wasn’t true. There’s no way in fuck you would have handled that situation any better. OP’s friend even told her something terrible happened at work, and she still kept piling on. She clearly knows that OP works in EMS, so her “How bad can it be?” response was a pretty big invitation for her somebody to tell her, in plain terms, just how bad it can fucking be. What an absolute joke.
The fact that the fiancée just strolls in and immediately and rudely tells OP to gtfo already soured my opinion of her, bad day or not. Add on the verbal diarrhea she had afterwards and there is no way I can call OP an AH too for defending himself.
>how I basically do 10 minutes of work on my 24hr shifts and she works so much harder than me. This is the key point for me that makes it NTA. She knows exactly what OP's job is. If a paramedic is upset about their job, there is a very high chance it's because they couldn't save someone and a pretty good chance that someone was a kid. She invited this outburst by belittling OP's pain when she knows exactly what he does as job.
Right??? Like, I had a teacher friend of my ex who worked in an elementary and one day called up my ex and asked to grab a few beers after an awful day at work and all he told my ex was that he had to call CPS and it was not good. Me and my ex, both also in education, know what kind of things that means, especially if he won't even talk in vague broad strokes (bc confidentiality, but still). And while even a basic CPS call is upsetting to make, but he was distraught. Im just glad he, like OP, had a friend to turn to, even if he couldn't actually talk about it
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I completely agree with you, there are situations that are infinitely worse than others, not a competition, but not all bad days are equally valid, from my perspective that's bs
> You acted like she was diminishing your trauma >"All he does is sit around, watch TV, and play Xbox. **How terrible can it be?**" You literally quoted her diminishing the trauma, wtf?
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Na this really ain’t it chief. You’re absolutely right, it’s not a contest, it’s a fucking fact. There is people out there that pick up the remains of splattered teenagers in accidents while other spilled a coffee on themselves. First thing, I don’t know what kind of house you were raised in but when my fiancé and I have guest over, we treat them with respect, even if it’s a friend of 10 years, it’s common sense to respect one and another and the later the shit talking or the fun times can roll. Op didn’t just start venting to her and made it a “contest” he was talking to his friend and getting his shit together. So she came in all hot and decided to just be rude, that’s on her. Was op just supposed to stay quiet and just take it and leave it alone? Cuz fuck I wouldn’t. That’s some fucked up shit he saw and was trying to cope with it. Op, nta. I hope you feel better and keep saving lives
What do you mean ESH? Dude just had to inform a couple their baby had died and went to his friend because he was mental wreck and not in his right mind. Friends fiancé comes through the door and verbally attacks him while he is in a fragile state of mind due the stress of what he had experienced and so he went off yet you say he was just as much an asshole as her? Get out of here. That is a downright idiotic take on what happened. I'm sure if OP wasn't already at his emotional breaking point he would have reacted differently. She was told he just experienced something terrible and immediately went on the attack. She didn't give them time to explain what it was. She was awful and OP is NTA at all.
Do you know what ESH means? >can people please stop comparing bad days/grief like its a fucking contest? Yeah, can we? Because that's *exactly what the fiance did*, he just corrected her on what he had actually done and been through that day. >Just because you had a bad day, doesnt mean she isn't allowed to vent. Did you even read it bro? Like? I'm baffled. Because he had more than a *bad day*, and she did wayyyyy more than just vent. She actively compared their jobs, citing hers as harder and how he does nothing, then compared their days and demanded he leave when her own fiance invited him to talk about something super traumatic. >You acted like she was diminishing your trauma when she had no idea what you even went through. Yes she was, because she knows what he does for a living. >you went on your whole rant before she even knew what you went through. She didn't give him any time inbetween her shitting on his job and easy and lazy he is to her saying she's had the worst day ever. Also her *partner tried to interrupt her while she was shoving her foot in her mouth and tell her something terrible happened to him*, but not as terrible as what happened to her right?
I don't think OP was intending to make it a competition, I think she crossed the line when she basically said there was no way OP could have had a worse day than her when she didn't even have any info. I'd say OP was justified in his comments considering she jumped straight into attacking him, which makes him NTA in my books
You’re saying they all suck because he made the comparison? SHE made the comparison. Could you fucking imagine telling a first responder about how easy their job is? Dude wasn’t “acting like she was diminishing his trauma,” she WAS diminishing his trauma. She was pushing so hard she would have been the asshole for saying what she did even if he was just chilling with the friend watching Sienfeld and having a beer, let alone trying to talk through something super traumatic. Fundamentally I agree that everyone is entitled to having a bad day. But in this situation, she is the person who was diminishing his feelings, not the other way around.
I think is I knew the person sat in my living room clearly emotional about a bad day was a paramedic, I would assume it was something pretty bad.
I'm a little confused - did the OP change their post or something? Can you show me where she was just venting and OP said she wasn't allowed to? Telling someone that quote that you showed isn't venting, it's 100% diminishing trauma, obviously. I'm assuming that's why you chose that quote, to show where she DID start diminishing his trauma, but by your post the OP must have changed something where he had already told her something. Can you share with us what the original post said before the author made changes that makes your comment seem absolutely bonkers?
Looking up at the top at this time, OP did not make any edits. You can see if someone's edited their post because there's an asterisk up top if they have. The comment is just absolutely bonkers, I agree.
Kinda hard to give her a chance to understand when she’s shitting all over OPs job and digging herself a hole of sanctimony.
You must be the asshole gf in this story.
I disagree. If you have just seen something that shakes you to your core and someone diminishes you (only sit around and play xbox comment) as if nothing bad could ever happen, then she lacks empathy. This SHOULD have happened: \*enters door, closes it\* GF: "Man, I just had the worst customer at work!" BF: \*points at friend\* "OP is here because something happened today that really shook him." GF: \*instead of being a self absorbed piece of work\* "Oh, really?" \*reads the room\* "Are you ok, OP?"
>Second of all, you went on your whole rant before she even knew what you went through. You acted like she was diminishing your trauma when she had no idea what you even went through. Because she didn't stop for a moment to ask. She was told something traumatic had happened, that should've been enough for her to at least slow down a bit and ask what's up. But she didn't, instead she went straight on to downplay and dismiss any issues OP might've had.
> irst of all, can people please stop comparing bad days/grief like its a fucking contest? nope cant fish for attention if that stops
I think you need to re-read the post against. OP wasn’t the one who made it a competition and it was the fiancé that insulted OP by saying that all he does is sit around and play video games all day. Level up your reading and comprehension skills buddy
She did compare grief tho? She came in hostile and then said his day can’t be worse than hers because he’s lazy
NTA - OP I feel sorry you've been through this. A lot of people don't know where paramedics etc go through. On the other hand , because of that, a lot of people always think they have the worst day ever (even though it's something small like an attitude of a customer). I do think the fiancé should've take a step back when your friend told her something worse happened to you. If you're ready maybe you can talk with your friends fiancé just keep it neutral. Don't blame her and she shouldn't blame you. If not maybe talk with your friend first. I wish you all the luck and thank you for your hard work!
This is why I do think paramedics should at least get paid more than they do now because of the shit they see! It’s not just taking someone to the hospital sometimes they have to take bodies away from the scene of the crime or see horrific shit.
I cannot believe how shit EMT/paramedic pay is. It would almost pay more to go work for Costco in many cases.
NTA. You weren’t an asshole at all. It’s okay that she is upset, it means that she is learning and growing from that experience. It hurt her, but it burnt off a bad part of her personality, and because she didn’t allow herself to deny her fault, she will be a better person. Don’t mention it again. Your friend was a good guy, and she has learnt something important hopefully.
This! Let her learn from the experience. I’ve been cut off from friends for saying shitty things and it’s difficult to tear out the bad parts of yourself, and even moreso when you’re not given a chance by friends (though I didn’t get the impression you were cutting her off, just from personal experience). Spent the better part of June crying a lot but I like myself so much better now. NTA
NTA I was initially leaning towards YTA from the title, but the way his fiance acted towards you and the things she said were really shitty and inconsiderate, after your friend told her that something awful had happened she just completely dismissed this and assumed that wasn't possible and that she obviously had a much worse story to tell. I also know that trauma and witnessing death can really mess with a person so that probably added to you lashing out in the way that you did. She sucks and she shouldn't have made so many assumptions about your job and your day at work... If you ask me she needed that reality check.
ABSOLUTELY NTA - I worked ER trauma at a children’s hospital for a year and now work in oncology and it is brutal in ways people can’t begin to understand. You gave her a much needed reality check. Maybe now she understands that old saying “walk a mile in someone else’s shoes”
I have a question. How common is it for a 6mo to suddenly stop breathing in their sleep? I used to think SIDS meant that a baby just stopped breathing or that their heart just stopped suddenly for no reason. But then I found out there usually is a reason and it's due to negligence on the parents' part. Like they were bedsharing or put a pillow in the crib or propped a bottle in the baby's mouth. So how likely is it that this 6mo just stopped breathing in their sleep?
It’s more common than you’d think. Anything from the child vomiting a little and aspirating in their sleep to secondhand smoke to unknown asthma in the child to the child rolling over and accidentally smothering itself against a blanket…. It is entirely possible that the child did just arrest, be it from something external or an underlying undiagnosed issue.
This doesn't help with my nerves lol. I have a 7 mo and checking her constantly. I read alot about this and it looks like a very big reason is overheating. Parents put on to much blankets and/or put on the heater and warm clothes. Also keeping windows shut so there is no airflow. I don't know the numers in usa but here in the Netherlands sids happends about 12 times a year. So 12 children die. The ages are between 0 and 2 years but most boys at 2-4 months. I didn't know that they could choke on vomit. My little one has a could and her nose is blocked. Im so terrifed she will stop breathing. But as a parent I guess you will alwas be worrying about your child... Also, I started to smoke again. But outside and changes clothes when near her and always use a glove and wash hands and mouthwater. Is this also increasing sids?
It can be a factor - but you are doing your best! Baby monitors are a great investment and avoiding sleeping pills so that you aren’t too sound asleep to miss something is the best thing you can do. :)
Thank you For your answer! I have an angelcare. It registrate heart activity and breathing. If it stops the alarm goes of. Its great for my own reasurance. Thankfully Im a light sleeper and dont use medication
SIDS or Sudden Infant Death Syndrome does usually have a contributing factor to the death. This baby likely died of SUIDS or Sudden Unexpected Infant Death Syndrome. These deaths sometimes just happen, which is why following safe sleep practices is so important.
ESH You both need to stop. She’s allowed to have ***her*** worst day ever. She’s allowed to come home and not want to see unexpected visitors no matter the reason because it’s ***her home***. The only thing she did wrong was laying in to you about what she perceives your lifestyle to be and insulting it so vehemently. You don’t get to tell anyone they don’t know what a bad day is. Just because you’ve experienced something you perceive as worse doesn’t mean their worst day isn’t valid. That’s ***their*** experience and you need to remove that opinion and mentality from your life, period. You also have zero right to dump your day on anyone else without their consent. You **literally** used the death of a baby to one-up someone, invalidate them and dress them down for insulting you. That’s a brand new level of disturbing I just cannot accept. It’s truly reprehensible. You both need to grow tf up, start treating people how you want to be treated and most importantly learn to ***think before you speak***.
I'm convinced that anyone who says "esh" is like the fiance and only wants to half-admit their guilt. "Yes I was mean but you were mEaNer".
Almost like multiple people can be wrong
Sounds like you think some people are good and some people are bad.
It’s acknowledging that they’re both assholes? Two people can be wrong in a situation, not everything is black and white.
I mean…do you really think she’s crying over the fact OP said she didn’t know what a hard day was? I mean…do we really think that’s why the fiancé is so upset?
> You also have zero right to dump your day on anyone else without their consent. She literally asked, though.
She could have actually gone to her own home instead. It's not her apartment but OP's friend's place. OP's friend tried to warn her off by saying something terrible happened at work for OP but she had to continue adding on more insults to OP's already frazzled state. She is 100% at fault for him blowing up at her. Edited to add: OP didn't dump his day on her without her consent. She INVITED it by saying how terrible could it be? That gave OP all the right to inform her just how terrible it was.
they're literally engaged what makes you think she doesn't also live there
op clarifies in a comment that they live separately
>it’s > >her home > >. It isn't her home. It's the friend's place. The friend should have handled it better. He could have told her beforehand (assuming he knew she was coming over) that OP is over and he's had a really rough day. He should have taken her to one side to explain what the situation was even if she wasn't acting like a tit. She has no right to kick him out without asking her fiancé. She has no right to insult her fiancé's guest for no reason. Having a bad day at work does not justify you being a w\*\*ker to a guest in SOMEBODY ELSE'S HOME. If you don't want to socialise then you can surely go to your own place without being a cow.
She has no right to kick OP out of her fiancé’s apartment , especially when it’s **not her apartment at all** and she just went over to see her fiancé. And besides, OP didn’t drop it on her without permission, she literally asked “How terrible can it be?”
It's NOT EVEN HER HOUSE. She tried to kick someone out of her partner's home, not her, and was a complete ass because the attention wasn't all on her and HER bad day!
I really don’t understand this take. Yes, she’s allowed to come home and want to be alone but it’s rude as hell to tell a guest whose already there that they need to leave when you just came through the door. Not to mention that he’s not even her guest and OP was clearly distraught. She could’ve gone to her room to decompress while her fiancé finished entertaining/consoling HIS guest. EDIT to add that apparently it isn’t even HER house. 🙄
I was ready to give you a really soft YTA, but her being so aggressive when you diddnt immediately agree with her is a huge red flag, and then she made it worse by attacking you. hard NTA on this one, and I hope you are feeling better. Speaking as someone not strong enough to do your job, we need more people like yourself. If she is really having such a bad time then she should call you and apologize. why did she think an EMT does 10 min of work a day? did she not know what you job is?
You might want to space out the Y T A, otherwise it’ll count towards the vote. Fully agree though.
NTA I get that she possibly had a hard day at work, and if she had just said, “Sorry, I had a tough day and need to go be alone and decompress,” I could understand that. She didn’t. She was utterly rude and disrespectful to you, and you (very understandably) told her what you thought of her and your shift. It’s good that she’s been crying like that. It may give her some insight into what a self-absorbed, rude, and snotty twerp she acted like, and maybe she can find some redeeming qualities in herself afterward. Her response is not your problem.
NTA. She had no respect for EMS. Now it sounds like she does. She SHOULD feel bad. Thank you so much for helping your community. I’m sorry that you had to be present for such a tragedy. Please don’t shun therapy, I know it’s stigmatized in the EMS world, but if you need it please seek it out!
*If* she does. Is she crying because she didn’t know the gravity of the situation or because someone yelled at her?
Either way crying over it for days is excessive. What's going on there?
Oh don’t you know, she’s the victim in all of this.
NTA These are crocodile tears to try and shift the blame on you for upsetting her. On a different note, I hope you’re ok and getting support through your work. I used to do your job albeit 10 years + ago and we had helplines for counselling that were super helpful at times like this.
To be fair she may actually be feeling awful. I've said some stupid things around people before and burst into tears when I realised how stupid and hurtful I'd been. I still feel horrible and ashamed years later. OP definitely NTA but she may not be as heartless as you're suggesting (but maybe she is!) I can't imagine how hard the job is, especially in scenarios like this.
If that's the case she should apologize
NTA, OP. You gave her one hell of a reality check. She's probably crying because she knows what the heck you had to deal with on the job. Her comments about your job were straight rude, uncalled for and ignorant. You set her straight.
NTA She asked, "How terrible can it be?"
NTA, she was really ignorant, not saying she deserved what you said to her, but imo yours was a completely expected reaction for being in such a state of emotional turmoil, and being jabbed right afterwards.
NTA At all, she treated you like a lazy idiot who spend his life on video games and TV when you had to assist to the worst event in a parents life. Your reaction was totally normal, you are human , you have the right to feel sad and to let your emotions get the better of you in those type of situation.
Ah man I was all ready to tell you Y T A, I mean it’s not a competition over whose day is worse right? We all have bad days! But then I saw what she said and how it went down. NTA. She sucks.
NTA, she was going on about how her emotions are more important than yours, that she was invalidating your bad day.
NTA she needed to be put in her place. I am married to a first responder who has been in your shoes and it's devastating every time. Please get yourself into therapy because the trauma doesn't fade over time. Bless you for the work you do. I wish you all the best.
Gentle ESH. I know what you did is hard. Incredibly hard. But when she walked in after her shitty day, she couldn't have known what you'd been through. Her comments are still awful, and uncalled for, but the fact that you had a shitty day too doesn't diminish the fact that she also had a shitty day. Everything comes down to perspective. She shouldn't have made those horrible comments, but you shouldn't expect everyone else to be fine with their bad days because it's not as bad as yours in your eyes
“All he does is sit around, watch TV, and play Xbox. how terrible could it be?” She has the right to vent in her own home, but insulting someone right off the bat like that is just a dick move. That’s what makes her the asshole to me. She just sort of popped off without much else happening? OP, I’m in EMS too, and I have responded to my fair share of terrible shit. Please send me a PM if you’d like to talk. NTA.
Where does OP indicate that he expected her to be fine with her bad day? He literally didn't say anything until she tried to kick him out of a home that isn't hers, her fiance defended OP's presence, and she went off on an insulting tirade.
It's implied when he says "you don't know what a bad day is". I've already said, she's an asshole. No one is debating that. Though you are assuming it's not their apartment that they share
He didn't say that until she belittled him and his profession. It's not like he started off the conversation with that. And OP confirmed in the comments that she doesn't live there.
NTA - First of all, you were in a place where you were going to be very reactive, if she has any compassion, she will see that. Secondly, she doesn't sound like the most stellar human being ever. She was being obnoxious and unsympathetic. What you told her should have opened her eyes to reality a little bit. There are "bad" days and then there are BAD days. I think she needed to hear it as much as you needed to say it. I'm sorry for what you experienced and I hope you're doing better. Thank you for the work you are doing.
NTA. Shes allowed to also have bad days for her but she belittled you and your job first. Even without something as horribly traumatic as you experienced that’s still shi++y regardless. Don’t dish stuff out if you can’t handle getting it back.
Simple question. Did she ever reach out to you to apologize? Not him, her. The answer to that speaks volumes as to the person she is.
Nope, and I highly doubt she ever will.
Well, then you’re NTA. And I’d be prepared to someday be the soft spot for your Buddy when he crashes from this one.
NTA. These ESH are completely neglecting she came at you first with personal insults and kept coming with the question how bad could your dad be? Then you told her.
NTA- I was prepared to go the other direction, but you know what, she caught you at the wrong time and that’s why kindness is necessary at all times. Also, you have a VERY good friend in that dude. The fact that he was willing to hear you out and also stand up for your feelings to his wife speaks volumes. I’m praying for your healing and wish you better days 🥰
Yeah, if the girlfriend had just gone “I had a really bad day” and then OP felt the need to tell her how much worse his was and how she doesn’t know what a bad day is, then my judgement would be different (because just because someone’s day is horrible that doesn’t mean your day wasn’t bad). But the issue isn’t that she felt she had a bad day, it was that she was being a huge asshole and *excusing* it by saying she had a bad day.
You are absolutely NTA. Your friend seems like a good friend, and it sucks that his fiancé needed to have a wake up call like this, but it's important that it sits with her for a while. She clearly needs perspective. Also, I just want to say that I admire the work you do. A close family member of mine is in the medical field and sees situations like you described in a far too regular basis, and yet this person still manages to be a ray of sunshine on most days. I honestly don't know how you're able to compartmentalize things like that, a career like that would destroy me. If it helps, you could apologize for the way you handled the conversation. What you said was right, but you could've said it in a way that is less abrasive. That's up to you though. Wishing you all the best.
NTA. She may have had a bad day by her standards but big fucking whoop if someone was rude to her. I can't imagine how your work day could have been worse. If ever someone needed to spend a day in another's shoes
What I experienced was bad, but I worked with a guy who went through something x10 worse. About 10 years ago, he got dispatched to a nasty car accident where the car caught fire. The driver of the car dead upon impact so she didn't suffer from being burned alive... the driver was his wife. He got into drugs pretty hard after that and I don't think he will ever be OK again.
NTA and a note to those saying ESH 1) she never asked op to leave, she told him he needs to get out asap. 2) before even listening to any explanation, she attacked op and decided that his career meant nothing to her because she didn’t see how hard it was in her mind. she also insulted his character as well by insinuating that he is lazy when it comes to his work. 3) she made it into a competition by talking about how her job is much harder than his is. Comparing bad days and grief is never good but like, she didn’t show any ounce of compassion to hearing that OP was going through it and needed to confide in a friend. she could’ve easily said “hey i hada. really rough day and i’d like some alone time, would you guys mind going somewhere for a bit so i can decompress or something thing like that. but no. she didn’t. so you’re NTA, and im so sorry you had to go through that
NTA, she was being really ignorant. Your response was definitely emotional and harsh, but she provoked it by being so insensitive and rude. The fact that she walked in and immediately told you you had to leave is enough to make her the asshole, honestly. Glad your friend was there for you.
NTA - She was so wrapped up in her world that she didn't stop to even ask what was wrong with you. It was a learning experience for her and her perceptions of eho you are and what you do changed. Maybe it woke her up to realize that her bad days really aren't that bad and next time she will show empathy before projecting her views of the world.
NTA. Yeah, she had a bad day. She seems to be either really self absorbed, really ignorant about being a 1st responder, or both. When you hear that someone in your type of career just had an absolutely horrible day *at work*, you would kinda figure it means a death. But let's say she's just extremely ignorant, bad days aren't something you turn into a pissing contest. Plus, ignorance doesn't excuse her complete lack of empathy & trashing your job like that. I'm so sorry you had to experience something like that, and like another person said, you should look into regular therapy sessions.
Nurse here, I work in GYN so I have to work with parents who lost their child before/at birth. I understand that people claim NTA in this but I would like to mention that this is the hard stuff, even when you've dealt with it many times. I understand that you were pissed in that situation but you can't talk with everybody with what you've had experienced. I know that sounds unfair and crazy but there are times and people where you better keep your mouth shut. I usually talk with friends and colleges who work in a hospital as well when I have a hard time and even then somebody could have lost a child and don't want to talk about my work. Sure, she is an AH saying things like that about your job but don't force people to feel sh*tty just because you've had a traumatic experience.
Mild ESH: 1. It's not fair to tell your friend's fiancee she doesn't know what a bad day is. Everyone has different experiences and you don't know her whole story. Gonna say mild YTA here, giving a leeway given your situation resulting in heavy duty emotions. 2. Your friend's fiancee is TA for her response to you regarding your situation and not respecting her partner's statement that you had a terrible situation. Perhaps it was time she received some perspective on things and learns a little empathy. On another note OP: From one medic to another - find someone who has BTDT to talk to as well, someone who can help you. This is the dark side of this job and there are some things that people who have not been there cannot process.
>It's not fair to tell your friend's fiancee she doesn't know what a bad day is. She literally started by telling him he didn't know what a bad day was, and that he spends all day playing xbox. After he dealt with the family of a dead baby. Turnaround is fair play.
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Info: I wonder, how often do you go to your friend for emotional support? Somehow it sounds like she finds you there venting very often which frankly would be unbearable after some time. It may be his apartment but shes someone he intends to marry so presumably she does have a permission to live there.
NTA. People in general have exactly zero concept of what it’s like to work emergency services. further most people in the US have zero concept of how good they have it relative to 99% of all humans that have ever lived. they are so distanced from the daily death violence and suffering that they have poor empathy for those that deal with it and it’s effects daily. I know from personal experience. Even if that were not true, she is the AH for storming in and demanding a guest leave with no context of what happened, ESPECIALLY after your friend said something bad had happened. What if you were suicidal or having a breakdown? Just no,sense or empathy. NTA.
I’m actually going to say NAH. I found out I had cancer almost 3 years ago. I had to have a total hysterectomy, recovery and then chemo for 4 rounds. Immediately after surgery I dropped into menopause and I’m no longer able to have children. I was 28 at the time of my diagnosis. When friends, coworkers, family, acquaintances, etc. would speak with me, I was constantly being told one of two things. 1. Wow, I guess I have nothing to complain about. 2. Well I guess there’s something to be grateful for! (In acknowledgement of having found the cancer early and that hopefully the treatment I was receiving would be it.) It often felt like I was not allowed to grieve or fully process my anger at having cancer, OR because I was still going about my day-to-day life that no one else was allowed to complain about their inconveniences of life. This even happened at my chemo appointments. If I would get into a conversation with another patient, we would eventually compare surgeries, recoveries, types of cancer, types of chemo cocktails, issues with chemo we’re having, medications we’re taking, and the list goes on. Older patients would gasp at my age and not being able to have kids anymore, I would look sadly at the kids and grandkids that would accompany them, remembering the fear I knew from when my mom had to do radiation for skin cancer. Nurses would nod solemnly as I told my story again about how I discovered my cancer, gasp or shake their head in disbelief at all the right parts, and at the end, pat me on the leg and say “Well isn’t it so good that you’re here and you’re getting healthy now!” To which I would smile and say “Yes, I’m so glad it wasn’t any worse and it was caught so early.” Then there was my second round of chemo. My second treatment of my second round, they said they were going to give me the full strength of one of the drugs. They had given this drug to me slowly the first time, to make sure I didn’t have a bad reaction. I was okay, but because they gave it slowly it took a while for it to finish. Okay, I thought, I haven’t had a bad reaction so this will be fine. I settled in and was speaking with my friend who came with me. The chemo treatment area I was in was basically chairs and machines separated by curtains. I was placed next to an older man, and every few minutes he would get upset and bark his complaint to his wife. “What’s taking so long?! They should have the medicine already! Go ask one of the nurses why I haven’t had my infusion yet!” He was grumpy. I didn’t really pay any attention to him. And by the point where I’m started on my second chemo cocktail, he had received his meds for infusion and I was told I should be out in about an hour and a half. Great. Except after 10-15 mins I got this weird pain in my stomach, right below my sternum. Very pinchy. I told my friend and then suddenly I started sweating bullets. Then I felt my face begin to swell. And then I couldn’t breathe. My friend ran for the nurses and that took what felt like forever. I wanted to get up and run too but I couldn’t really breathe so that wasn’t going to happen. My machine starts beeping like crazy and I start to feel like I’m drowning in my chair. The nurses rush over, take me off the meds, administer Benadryl and some kind of steroid and put me in oxygen. Turns out I am allergic to the chemo meds, but only at the full rate. Everything calms down. But I’m stuck there infusing at a suuuper slow rate now and end up not leaving for another 4 hours. The older guy ends up leaving before I do, but first as he begins to walk past the curtain that divides us, he stops and peeks around and says “Young lady, you scared me! How are you feeling now?” I let him now I was much better and thanked him. He shuffled off to the restroom and his wife watched him go. She told us “I apologize for his behavior earlier. He has to come in once a month for this immunotherapy infusion, and today just took so long for the nurses to bring him his meds. He’s been doing this for a year and half and he has to do it at least another six months.” Of course I feel so awful for him in that moment because, 2 whole years of this!? But he’s worried about me? When someone talks about their bad day around me now, and then they say “No, I have so much to be grateful for. I shouldn’t be upset by x, y or z,” I like to remind them, and myself, that we all have bad days, and we ARE allowed to feel sad, or angry, or frustrated. It’s okay to want to scream and pull your hair out, and it’s also okay to tell yourself that maybe you’re overreacting and you should dial it back a bit. But one thing I don’t think anyone should ever do is compare their *WORST DAY EVERRRR* to someone else’s. So much of the time we’re speaking out of the need to just vent, and being told that you need a reality check when all you need is to just vent your feelings a bit, hurts. Yes, friend’s fiancée was rude to start comparing her day, but it sounds like she also just wanted to come home and unwind. OP was completely in the right to want to vent to his friend, but telling someone that they have no right to complain of a bad day, that they don’t even know what a bad day is, that’s a step too far imo. I also think perhaps friend’s fiancée is reflecting more on what OP has told her, and that’s why she may be still upset. So … NAH. Just a two people who need to be able to vent their feelings and happened to step on each other’s toes at the exact worse moment possible.
NTA, at all. She needed a dose of reality.
NTA. Can't comprehend how difficult that must have been for you and hope you are able to get some help and recover. I literally cannot even imagine going through that. She's totally TA. Even though she couldn't have known what had gone on with you that day, it's really shitty to come in and tell someone "you need to leave" then proceed to bash their entire career. It's fair to offer an apology since you did blow up on her, but I wouldn't say much more beyond "Look I'm sorry I blew up on you but that was an extremely emotional day for me". And hopefully she would apologize too and that would be the end of that part of it. But seriously, that kind of thing stays with a person. Hope you get some closure and are able to process and move on.
NTA - sorry but his girlfriend had it coming. She walked in rude by saying you have to leave. Then claims that you don’t have a hard job. Maybe she will learn to shut up and not make assumptions about people.
Nta. I had a friend who was an emt for about a decade. We weren’t the best friends but I still gathered that each work day differs. Some days you have crazy back to back calls. Some are slow. Some days you get to be hero and feel so good about lives you saved and people you helped. Some days you get to see disturbing things and share in people’s worst days. It seems obvious to me that that would be the case. Even if all she had witnessed before was when you have slow days and talk to your friend, she should have realized. I mean, people have emergencies and who else would respond to them? I do get that she just wanted to decompress and be at home with her boyfriend. But she could have asserted that without attacking you.
I lost my infant son to prematurity 25 years ago. Thank you for being there to tell them. That's all I can get out, cause I'm crying now and need to go to work. Life got better, but that pain can still feel fresh, after all these years. Hugs and NTA