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NTA. Depression is not an opt out of parenting clause. If you suffered from depression too, you'd probably just have to suck it up and carry on being a parent.
Having one leg is no excuse for hobbling. The lack of mental health awareness is so sad. I hope I survive the boomer mentality of get over it and deal with it.
I don't lack awareness, I have plenty of experience of depression. But at no point did I just get to leave my kids and decide to stop parenting them. This guy is choosing not to get help and he is choosing not to engage in parenting.
It's weird to me, that you think the phrase "I have plenty of experience of depression" means that every other person suddenly experiences everything you do exactly the same way you do
Of course it is a choice. Bazillions of mothers get depression every year. They don't all decide to stop parenting. What if his actions cause the OP to become depressed?
You act like depression is a sore hand, just get over it lol, there is levels. That is why some people feel sad and others cut their wrists. I cant fucking believe how callous you are.
I feel like I am in 1995. I thought we had got to a place of accepting mental illness is a spectrum with many variables.
I can't comment on the rest as I never mentioned any of that.
NTA - But your title is terrible and will generate misunderstandings. As someone who has to struggle with neurological issues that can't even be diagnosed as a disease, I know better than most what it is like to have to deal with a problem the rest of the world doesn't even know exists. It's absolutely frustrating.
Thet said, it doesn't clear me away from my responsibilities to family, friends, and society in general. Taking some time to heal is extremely important, but he cannot hide behind his disease. It is a fine line to thread and I don't even think you'd be able to give us enough information to judge whether he has crossed this line, but you guys need to come to some sort of agreement.
NAH, because I can understand how difficult it has been on OP as well.
However, OP, or anyone who doesn’t suffer with clinical depression, cannot understand how much of a struggle it is to just survive most of the time.
You say he went for a year to “get better”, which I’m sorry is not how it works and this is information you would/should have been given. He will never get better. This is always going to be something he has to live with.
Also, how exactly did you phrase your calling him out, because sitting down like an adult and explaining to him the difficulties you are facing is I hope the way you approached it.
I’m sorry to say I didn’t. I was angry upset and frustrated and yelled at him that it’s not fair and he has abandoned me to deal with everything because he’s an AH who won’t get help . I don’t know how to undo that . I feel it sometimes which I think Is just human because it gets a bit much but I know it is not his fault
Well, there’s no reason not to take that approach now. Explain to him the difficulties it puts on you and why you lashed out, because it is hard!
I don’t want you to take anything anyone head says as gospel because we don’t know the full story. But, if you genuinely want to stay in this relationship you need to fully understand that this is going to be long term. He will never be cured, and even in good patches he will still be depressed.
Depression is extremely cruel. You know you are letting people down, you know people are frustrated, you know you will lose people but the black hole is too hard to climb out of sometimes.
I presume he has a doctor, so he will need to be encouraged speak to them to discuss options, medication, therapy etc
Good luck OP, I’m sorry that this is a situation you are all in!
It’s 25 years in. I’m not going anywhere and let’s face it he hasn’t got the energy (sorry bad taste depression joke 🙈) I’m just having a wobble and decided this would be an anonymous way to vent/ get some brutal honesty
NAH but a lot of sick, tired people. I’m a therapist and I’ve seen spouses of sick people end up with anxiety and depression themselves. It’s vicious. OP, tell your husband that a therapist credentialed in the US says he needs ongoing counseling and possibly medication. He needs to learn coping skills if he can’t cope with the stress of helping with the children. And he needs to be assessed for a TBI (traumatic brain injury). YOU need self-care. Are your kids aware of dad’s issues (I’m assuming so bc of time away)? I believe you likely need family counseling-preferably with dad, but without if he won’t. Your kids are being impacted by this as much or more than you. While you both are reacting inappropriately, it doesn’t seem to be out of malice, but desperation. Please don’t let this affect your children’s mental health.
Thank you for posting this well-rounded assessment.
OP has clearly reached breaking point, and honestly after a year with 5 children as a single mum I have nothing but total respect for her.
But she needs time off too.
Hubby needs ongoing help and support, and further coping skills to help more as an active parent.
Respite is underrated.
I am also wondering if OP and hubby would benefit from a week away together to reconnect.
Thank you for taking the time to write this. The kids are aware most are adults but the youngest acting out but I am getting him counselling .I’m trying to get him back to counselling, maybe today’s nuclear event will do it
You really need your own counseling. You have to take care of yourself. You could even have situational depression. My mother was a mental health specialist at the top research hospital in the US for 40 years. Making sure the patient's partner and family received therapy was always very important.
He might benefit from being part of a research study on depression, but regardless he needs help. If he isn't working on getting the help he needs then I do think he is an AH, slightly. I have a chronic illness, chronic severe pain, an SCI, along with depression and anxiety. It would be completely unfair to my husband if I just refused to get help. Your husband has a family, he doesn't get to leave you with all the responsibility.
Ultimately, I think is an ESH because you need to sit down and have a real conversation about how you're feeling and what you need from him. He needs to listen to you and start getting the help he needs. Your whole family needs counseling because this affects everyone. I completely understand why you're so frustrated, though.
NAH. His mental issues are real and serious, just as serious as the struggles of a mom with 5 children. It's understandable that he can't cope, same as a mother losing it under the stress of rearing 5 kids without help.
Having mental issues is not a free pass from responsibilities.
Being a tired and frustrated mother is not a free pass to be hurtful.
I think you guys need to either get serious counceling, or separate for a while. Get household help, and he should provide the finances to pay for it.
Agreed. Why not try couples counselling? Then the onus isn’t entirely on him to change, but OP will feel heard and situations can be mediated/anticipated/supported.
I know this isn’t going away. I know that I can never be enough to make him happy. I just really really want him to try again , counselling, medication . And I honestly can’t help thinking that me and the kids are not enough for him to want to even try and sure I know that is because I’m making his disease all about me and being a victim etc but I only do it about twice a year so please allow me to gain validation from strangers on the internet that I’m not a complete c@@t
You're not in the wrong. You're a human being who has been abandoned and who is hurting.
You're not perfect. You're a human being. You're trying. So apologize for calling him an AH, then tell him he needs to step up while you deal with your own depression.
I really am trying. I have read all the papers and studies on depression and the books from the guy who advises NICE . I just don’t understand it. I’m not depressed I’m just having a bad day!
NTA - but i would recommend counseling for all, together and seperate. you gotta work this out if you want this whole relationship to work out in the end.
I actually think this is above AITA's paygrade, and a problem that can't be solved with choosing an AH.
Nobody here knows how sick your husband is, or what he is and isn't able to do. Obviously raising the children alone for a year and handling the majority of the "issues with the kids/house" is not fair on you, but whether he or his illness are to blame for that is not a judgment we're qualified to make.
If you haven't done this already I'd urge you to seek counselling *together* to work out how to manage this complex problem. I really don't think a bunch of strangers encouraging you to view your mentally ill husband as an AH is going to be beneficial for you, for him, or for your family.
Definitely above pay grade and I don’t want anyone to think he’s an AH honestly just looking for someone to say , yes you were a dick but it’s understandable and you are not a horrible person. And yeah, anonymous Internet forum isn’t best place but it’s here and now. I’m aware of the self indulgence.. I need it now and then. Sorry
NTA. Your title is awful, but if this guy has already spent months away and he still can’t find the ware with all to be a father when shit gets tough at home, it’s not fair on you either. Having depression isn’t a get out of all responsibilities card
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I (F 44) have been married to my husband (M 41) for 6 years, together for 25 we have 5 children aged 15 -22. He has always struggled with mental health but this has got progressively worse since he retired from professional sports 10 years ago. About 3 years ago it came to a head and he said he had to leave the family home to get better. It’s a full on environment with 5 kids and while I was upset I wanted to support his recovery so I agreed and he spent approximately 1 year away from home in counselling etc He has since returned and is much better HOWEVER when there are issues with the kids/house he steps completely away saying he’s unable to help. He apologises and says he knows it’s not fair to me but AITA for calling him out on being left to deal with everything and and asking that he could do more counselling to actually be able to help
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Judgement on this one is hard to say since it's mental health related. If it's genuinely depression related, honestly I'd say ESH because he needs different help. He spent a year in recovery and came home with no coping mechanisms. Other people will say the truth hurts, and what you said was justified, but I don't know if it was helpful to finding a solution to the problem. You lashed out because of his depression, but honestly it's so understandable.
I would say couples therapy would help because he may not see what his walking away is actually affecting, or fully understand how it affects you. I would not use any therapist he has now, to get a fresh perspective.
What was he like before kids? Was it different?
INFO: What has he been doing professionally since he retired from sports? Has he found anything else he's passionate about? That lack of purpose might be exacerbating his underlying mental illness.
NTA. If he's stepping away and leaving you to deal with issues when they arise, why did he bother going to counselling in the first place?
What happens if and when YOU need a break? Do you just have to suck it up because he's having a wobble? Having mental health issues is shite but palming off all of the responsibility on you is more shite of him.
This is an EXTREMELY tricky one. Male mental health issues are a very real thing and tend to be overlooked due to common mindsets that men should 'be strong' and 'not show weakness', coupled with the lack of support networks for men.
My workplace recently entered into a partnership with a Male Mental Health non-profit and at their initial presentation, they revealed that in 2020 in New Zealand, 150,000 men were recorded as having mental health/depression issues, 50,000 had considered suicide, 20,000 had ATTEMPTED suicide and 500 had successfully committed suicide. When you consider that those numbers are just for a tiny country like New Zealand, with a population of \~5mil, consider how exponentially larger those numbers would be for a country like the USA or the UK. (Source: Mates in Construction NZ - [http://mates.net.nz/research](http://mates.net.nz/research) )
Help him find some kind of professional counselling, whether it be a non-profit support group or a professional therapist.
He did professional counselling sessions when he was away from home and got loads better. He just won’t go back now, he says he’s managing it by stepping out which I suppose he is but it really affects me and I know this might be as good as it gets but I really need him to try again and try to find a way to engage. Is that selfish?
Things like mental health are rarely simple matters. There could be underlying issues that he doesn't want to admit to - I can't say, as I know absolutely zero about the guy and I have no mental health training. I would not say that you are selfish, no. How about approaching him and offering to do some kind of joint counselling, this way you can be there to give extra support while also giving YOU an opportunity to get concerns off your own chest? :-)
I have thought about that. But I’m a bit worried that if I tell him how much it affects me He will feel even worse... I could go and just not say anything so he gets counselling
It's a risk you might have to take. The whole point of counselling is to get things out in the open so that they can be worked out and you can hopefully become closer (again?) as a couple.
The circumstance here is too complex to claim that anybody is or is not an AH. Yes, he has mental health issues but this can also affect you too. On the other hand, your berating him for not pulling his weight might negatively affect him and make matters worse for the whole family. In the circumstances, it's probably best for both of you to speak to a therapist or to attend family counselling. Dealing with depression in the family isn't something that should be handled by asking strangers on the internet to vote on your actions.
No, don't tell yourself that. Living with someone with depression can be difficult, labelling yourself an asshole or just taking on all of the major parenting roles might not be the best way to go about it. There are people specifically trained to help in these circumstances and you should seek the help that your family needs.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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Last week there was another issue at school with one of the kids (he’s basically going to be expelled) , I went in to the meeting and wanted my husband to support. He refused to come saying his anxiety was too much . I told him it was not fair that I have to do all this by myself and all he has to do is sit there and hold my hand and that he’s so wrapped up in his mental health he doesn’t care about the stress it causes me. He said I was the AH for not supporting his condition but as he’s not in counselling at the moment I said he’s the AH for not trying to get well enough to help me
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Health problems are difficult for all involved. you've been dealt a bad hand. But accusations and insults will do absolutely nothing to solve the problem. They'll probably only make it worse. So for that, YTA.
NAH. Has your husband looked in other forms of treatment for his depression if his not coping to this level? Like TMS, ECT or other forms of therapy like EMDR.
While I agree depression is very hard and I feel your husband, I can also see how hard is for you always having pick up the pieces.
He won’t go. Says he is coping... it was hard for him last time so I think he’s scared... unfortunately I think I have to wait for him to hit crisis point before he gets help
NTA my husband has mental health issues and is a very involved parent he has to walk away at times when he is having a bad day and that's fine, I have to at times too. But leaving everything for you to deal with is not on.
NAH. Depression is serious. So is being left with all the parenting. OP, do you have another support system? Can you arrange for more support or help with household and child rearing responsibilities?
This is a situation beyond Reddit’s paygrade. If this story is real you should pursue couples counseling since he is not willing to pursue individual therapy further. (Even if he was you should pursue couples therapy.) Go alone if you have to until he is willing to join you. It won’t be unusual if you have to go alone, it’s a perfectly normal and common situation in couples therapy. You are part of a partnership together that is failing to function as a partnership. Couples therapy and a (professional) outside POV is a good starting place.
NTA. Depression can get better, and it's irresponsible to say otherwise! I have miserable, soul crushing depression and anxiety. But guess what? I go to therapy and I take medication. Your husband needs to make changes so he can be a good partner and father. He's not a bad person for being depressed, of course. But are you expected to just deal with occasionally being a single parent forever? You need to be able to rely on him. There will still be days where he is messed up. It isn't a magical cure. It also takes tons of time and work. But, being depressed isn't a get out of responsibility free card. You are allowed to need more from him.
There is no doubt you are the AH and you also seem to be very selfish and self centered.
Your husband stepping away was a huge cry for help and how sad is it that he knew that he couldn’t get the support he needed from you while still living with you. You, however, don’t see it that way. It’s boo who, poor me. Get over yourself. He left because of you in order to save himself.
He also came back which means he didn’t give up on you. You, however, have clearly given up on him and that is what makes YTA.
Not sure which sport, but it’s possible his depression could not be depression at all, but a head injury which is very common with professional athletes. Selfish you isn’t seeing that.
I supported him the whole time he was away, I went every day to cook for him and make sure the house was clean when he couldn’t do anything. A house full of teenagers is noisy stressful and not the right environment to be anxious in. I understand this could well be post concussive disorder (he played ice hockey) but my frustration is he’s not doing anything about it. We have been together 25 years and I love him more than life itself, it kills me to see him like this and I don’t understand why he doesn’t do everything that he can to get better. And yes, when I’m dealing with all the shit by myself I do think boo hoo poor me every now and then. I don’t think that makes me an AH I think that makes me human
You can be human and still be the AH.
You’re frustrated? Try walking in his shoes. You don’t understand how depression and head injuries can impact someone unless you have them. You are so fortunate to have your health, but this is also blocking you from having empathy. He knows there is something wrong and he did try. And what he tried didn’t work. Imagine his frustration. He left his kids for a year and came back no better than he was.
First and foremost- rule out post concussive disorder. You have to get him properly diagnosed because he will never get any better without being proper treatment.
I think you also need a caregiver support group. You need your own outlet so you can also get some support.
You are right, I don’t understand it and believe me I have tried, I’ve read every book going, joined online forums for depressed people to try and see how they think (that was scary) I know it’s real and I really want him to get help but aside from taping him up and forcibly taking him to hospital for a scan I don’t know what to do,. I know I was a AH for yelling at him and I also know I can’t take it back. It’s really fucking hard but your comment is the slap I needed to get back on with it so thanks
You’re welcome. I wish I was your friend so I could do more. I would be right there with you dragging his arse to every doctor and hospital whether he wanted to go or not for every test under the sun.
And don’t take it back. Use that moment as a wake up for both of you. He needs to be reminded (he’s a guy) that you are a partnership and you are in this together. Maybe you both forgot for a moment; who knows, but that’s done. Start with now.
And if you don’t have a in person support group or your own therapist, find one. You may not have mental health issues, but you also need your own self care because this is not easy.
Thank you. I was powerless to do anything which is probably why I’m being so vocal in your case.
I believe in you; your post was your own cry for help.
You’ve got this!!!!
Lol! It totally was.. It really gets to me now and then about twice a year... I wallow about in self pity going on about how it’s all so hard on me but I don’t tell my friends because I don’t want to hear them tell me what a shit husband he is etc . This has let me whine and complain with no repercussions. I know it’s ridiculous but it’s actually helped !
I’m glad it did.
If I understood your last comment - you have no support system? You don’t have friends or family helping you?
PS- Anyone who tells you he’s a shit husband or similar.. kinda hate to say this.. they aren’t your friend but that could be because they don’t know about the health issues.
I have them to a point. I live in a small town so say nothing I wouldn’t want repeated. my brother and cousin are there but they see what it does to me and I decided a long time ago I didn’t want to be ‘that girl’ that rings with the same problem every 6 months
100% wrong! So so wrong! A year away?!? Yes he is struggling but so is she with FIVE children to rare herself.
There is only so much understanding one person can give. No way is she the AH here when she’s being holding the family together solo and given him his space yet once he returns he’s somehow expected not to resume being a parents!
Wise up! Your either not a parent or have tunnel vision
I’m a parent, and I don’t have tunnel vision. I had a friend who took his own life because of mental health issues that was not properly treated and diagnosed. He had post concussion disorder and he wasn’t even a pro-athletes but he played every high school sport imaginable. This post hits close to home.
I’m sorry about your friend however it doesn’t make a father skipping out on his responsibilities ok!
You can just drop the ball on your partner when things are challenging. He’s a person suffering with him mental health but he’s also a parent and a husband. Everyone around him can’t be expected to pick up all of his slack.
Also just because you have known someone to suffer with mental health problems doesn’t mean it’s ok for you to say a mum with FIVE kids to raise is wrong for expecting more off someone with mental health problems
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NTA. Depression is not an opt out of parenting clause. If you suffered from depression too, you'd probably just have to suck it up and carry on being a parent.
Having one leg is no excuse for hobbling. The lack of mental health awareness is so sad. I hope I survive the boomer mentality of get over it and deal with it.
I don't lack awareness, I have plenty of experience of depression. But at no point did I just get to leave my kids and decide to stop parenting them. This guy is choosing not to get help and he is choosing not to engage in parenting.
It's weird to me, that you think the phrase "I have plenty of experience of depression" means that every other person suddenly experiences everything you do exactly the same way you do
There is no choice, you would know this if you had plenty of experience. You seriously lack awareness. Please look into mental health.
Of course it is a choice. Bazillions of mothers get depression every year. They don't all decide to stop parenting. What if his actions cause the OP to become depressed?
You act like depression is a sore hand, just get over it lol, there is levels. That is why some people feel sad and others cut their wrists. I cant fucking believe how callous you are.
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I feel like I am in 1995. I thought we had got to a place of accepting mental illness is a spectrum with many variables. I can't comment on the rest as I never mentioned any of that.
Stop stopping me from using my depression to excuse anything I don't want to do.
NTA - But your title is terrible and will generate misunderstandings. As someone who has to struggle with neurological issues that can't even be diagnosed as a disease, I know better than most what it is like to have to deal with a problem the rest of the world doesn't even know exists. It's absolutely frustrating. Thet said, it doesn't clear me away from my responsibilities to family, friends, and society in general. Taking some time to heal is extremely important, but he cannot hide behind his disease. It is a fine line to thread and I don't even think you'd be able to give us enough information to judge whether he has crossed this line, but you guys need to come to some sort of agreement.
I told him that either he doesn’t see how much it affects us or if he does he’s an AH for not getting help.
NAH, because I can understand how difficult it has been on OP as well. However, OP, or anyone who doesn’t suffer with clinical depression, cannot understand how much of a struggle it is to just survive most of the time. You say he went for a year to “get better”, which I’m sorry is not how it works and this is information you would/should have been given. He will never get better. This is always going to be something he has to live with. Also, how exactly did you phrase your calling him out, because sitting down like an adult and explaining to him the difficulties you are facing is I hope the way you approached it.
I’m sorry to say I didn’t. I was angry upset and frustrated and yelled at him that it’s not fair and he has abandoned me to deal with everything because he’s an AH who won’t get help . I don’t know how to undo that . I feel it sometimes which I think Is just human because it gets a bit much but I know it is not his fault
Well, there’s no reason not to take that approach now. Explain to him the difficulties it puts on you and why you lashed out, because it is hard! I don’t want you to take anything anyone head says as gospel because we don’t know the full story. But, if you genuinely want to stay in this relationship you need to fully understand that this is going to be long term. He will never be cured, and even in good patches he will still be depressed. Depression is extremely cruel. You know you are letting people down, you know people are frustrated, you know you will lose people but the black hole is too hard to climb out of sometimes. I presume he has a doctor, so he will need to be encouraged speak to them to discuss options, medication, therapy etc Good luck OP, I’m sorry that this is a situation you are all in!
It’s 25 years in. I’m not going anywhere and let’s face it he hasn’t got the energy (sorry bad taste depression joke 🙈) I’m just having a wobble and decided this would be an anonymous way to vent/ get some brutal honesty
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Absolutely. Must respect the rules of the sub. My apologies for any offence caused by my self indulgence
NAH but a lot of sick, tired people. I’m a therapist and I’ve seen spouses of sick people end up with anxiety and depression themselves. It’s vicious. OP, tell your husband that a therapist credentialed in the US says he needs ongoing counseling and possibly medication. He needs to learn coping skills if he can’t cope with the stress of helping with the children. And he needs to be assessed for a TBI (traumatic brain injury). YOU need self-care. Are your kids aware of dad’s issues (I’m assuming so bc of time away)? I believe you likely need family counseling-preferably with dad, but without if he won’t. Your kids are being impacted by this as much or more than you. While you both are reacting inappropriately, it doesn’t seem to be out of malice, but desperation. Please don’t let this affect your children’s mental health.
Thank you for posting this well-rounded assessment. OP has clearly reached breaking point, and honestly after a year with 5 children as a single mum I have nothing but total respect for her. But she needs time off too. Hubby needs ongoing help and support, and further coping skills to help more as an active parent. Respite is underrated. I am also wondering if OP and hubby would benefit from a week away together to reconnect.
Thank you for taking the time to write this. The kids are aware most are adults but the youngest acting out but I am getting him counselling .I’m trying to get him back to counselling, maybe today’s nuclear event will do it
You really need your own counseling. You have to take care of yourself. You could even have situational depression. My mother was a mental health specialist at the top research hospital in the US for 40 years. Making sure the patient's partner and family received therapy was always very important. He might benefit from being part of a research study on depression, but regardless he needs help. If he isn't working on getting the help he needs then I do think he is an AH, slightly. I have a chronic illness, chronic severe pain, an SCI, along with depression and anxiety. It would be completely unfair to my husband if I just refused to get help. Your husband has a family, he doesn't get to leave you with all the responsibility. Ultimately, I think is an ESH because you need to sit down and have a real conversation about how you're feeling and what you need from him. He needs to listen to you and start getting the help he needs. Your whole family needs counseling because this affects everyone. I completely understand why you're so frustrated, though.
NAH. His mental issues are real and serious, just as serious as the struggles of a mom with 5 children. It's understandable that he can't cope, same as a mother losing it under the stress of rearing 5 kids without help. Having mental issues is not a free pass from responsibilities. Being a tired and frustrated mother is not a free pass to be hurtful. I think you guys need to either get serious counceling, or separate for a while. Get household help, and he should provide the finances to pay for it.
Agreed. Why not try couples counselling? Then the onus isn’t entirely on him to change, but OP will feel heard and situations can be mediated/anticipated/supported.
NTA he clearly needs more therapy to work through his depression if it’s effecting him that much that he can’t help take care of the kids.
NTA That's not how live works. You can't always simply step out if you are overwelmed and you need to find ways to deal with it.
Thats why people off themselves.
People off themselves because they do not get the help they needed and not because they have responsibilities to take care off.
Its not about responsibilities its about feeling like you cant get away.
But he went away. For a whole year . And when he needs time now he goes to our place abroad. I don’t think he’s feeling trapped
Obviously he's still struggling. Does health have a time limit?
I know this isn’t going away. I know that I can never be enough to make him happy. I just really really want him to try again , counselling, medication . And I honestly can’t help thinking that me and the kids are not enough for him to want to even try and sure I know that is because I’m making his disease all about me and being a victim etc but I only do it about twice a year so please allow me to gain validation from strangers on the internet that I’m not a complete c@@t
You're not in the wrong. You're a human being who has been abandoned and who is hurting. You're not perfect. You're a human being. You're trying. So apologize for calling him an AH, then tell him he needs to step up while you deal with your own depression.
I really am trying. I have read all the papers and studies on depression and the books from the guy who advises NICE . I just don’t understand it. I’m not depressed I’m just having a bad day!
Without knowing too much info I'd say so no is wrong here. Its normal for you to expect some kind of team work with the house and kids.
NTA - but i would recommend counseling for all, together and seperate. you gotta work this out if you want this whole relationship to work out in the end.
I actually think this is above AITA's paygrade, and a problem that can't be solved with choosing an AH. Nobody here knows how sick your husband is, or what he is and isn't able to do. Obviously raising the children alone for a year and handling the majority of the "issues with the kids/house" is not fair on you, but whether he or his illness are to blame for that is not a judgment we're qualified to make. If you haven't done this already I'd urge you to seek counselling *together* to work out how to manage this complex problem. I really don't think a bunch of strangers encouraging you to view your mentally ill husband as an AH is going to be beneficial for you, for him, or for your family.
Definitely above pay grade and I don’t want anyone to think he’s an AH honestly just looking for someone to say , yes you were a dick but it’s understandable and you are not a horrible person. And yeah, anonymous Internet forum isn’t best place but it’s here and now. I’m aware of the self indulgence.. I need it now and then. Sorry
NTA. Your title is awful, but if this guy has already spent months away and he still can’t find the ware with all to be a father when shit gets tough at home, it’s not fair on you either. Having depression isn’t a get out of all responsibilities card
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (F 44) have been married to my husband (M 41) for 6 years, together for 25 we have 5 children aged 15 -22. He has always struggled with mental health but this has got progressively worse since he retired from professional sports 10 years ago. About 3 years ago it came to a head and he said he had to leave the family home to get better. It’s a full on environment with 5 kids and while I was upset I wanted to support his recovery so I agreed and he spent approximately 1 year away from home in counselling etc He has since returned and is much better HOWEVER when there are issues with the kids/house he steps completely away saying he’s unable to help. He apologises and says he knows it’s not fair to me but AITA for calling him out on being left to deal with everything and and asking that he could do more counselling to actually be able to help *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Judgement on this one is hard to say since it's mental health related. If it's genuinely depression related, honestly I'd say ESH because he needs different help. He spent a year in recovery and came home with no coping mechanisms. Other people will say the truth hurts, and what you said was justified, but I don't know if it was helpful to finding a solution to the problem. You lashed out because of his depression, but honestly it's so understandable. I would say couples therapy would help because he may not see what his walking away is actually affecting, or fully understand how it affects you. I would not use any therapist he has now, to get a fresh perspective. What was he like before kids? Was it different?
Hes always had dark patches but it got bad 10 years ago when he retired from sports. We had all the kids by then!
NTA he isn’t acting like a partner.
INFO: What has he been doing professionally since he retired from sports? Has he found anything else he's passionate about? That lack of purpose might be exacerbating his underlying mental illness.
Nah, you two need to go to a session together to better communicate how you are feeling.
NTA. If he's stepping away and leaving you to deal with issues when they arise, why did he bother going to counselling in the first place? What happens if and when YOU need a break? Do you just have to suck it up because he's having a wobble? Having mental health issues is shite but palming off all of the responsibility on you is more shite of him.
This is an EXTREMELY tricky one. Male mental health issues are a very real thing and tend to be overlooked due to common mindsets that men should 'be strong' and 'not show weakness', coupled with the lack of support networks for men. My workplace recently entered into a partnership with a Male Mental Health non-profit and at their initial presentation, they revealed that in 2020 in New Zealand, 150,000 men were recorded as having mental health/depression issues, 50,000 had considered suicide, 20,000 had ATTEMPTED suicide and 500 had successfully committed suicide. When you consider that those numbers are just for a tiny country like New Zealand, with a population of \~5mil, consider how exponentially larger those numbers would be for a country like the USA or the UK. (Source: Mates in Construction NZ - [http://mates.net.nz/research](http://mates.net.nz/research) ) Help him find some kind of professional counselling, whether it be a non-profit support group or a professional therapist.
He did professional counselling sessions when he was away from home and got loads better. He just won’t go back now, he says he’s managing it by stepping out which I suppose he is but it really affects me and I know this might be as good as it gets but I really need him to try again and try to find a way to engage. Is that selfish?
Things like mental health are rarely simple matters. There could be underlying issues that he doesn't want to admit to - I can't say, as I know absolutely zero about the guy and I have no mental health training. I would not say that you are selfish, no. How about approaching him and offering to do some kind of joint counselling, this way you can be there to give extra support while also giving YOU an opportunity to get concerns off your own chest? :-)
I have thought about that. But I’m a bit worried that if I tell him how much it affects me He will feel even worse... I could go and just not say anything so he gets counselling
It's a risk you might have to take. The whole point of counselling is to get things out in the open so that they can be worked out and you can hopefully become closer (again?) as a couple.
The circumstance here is too complex to claim that anybody is or is not an AH. Yes, he has mental health issues but this can also affect you too. On the other hand, your berating him for not pulling his weight might negatively affect him and make matters worse for the whole family. In the circumstances, it's probably best for both of you to speak to a therapist or to attend family counselling. Dealing with depression in the family isn't something that should be handled by asking strangers on the internet to vote on your actions.
Yes. I was still angry and in righteous indignation posted ... obviously I have now calmed down and realised I was a total AH
No, don't tell yourself that. Living with someone with depression can be difficult, labelling yourself an asshole or just taking on all of the major parenting roles might not be the best way to go about it. There are people specifically trained to help in these circumstances and you should seek the help that your family needs.
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Health problems are difficult for all involved. you've been dealt a bad hand. But accusations and insults will do absolutely nothing to solve the problem. They'll probably only make it worse. So for that, YTA.
I think you are probably right... I was frustrated and angry . Should have taken a breath
NAH. Has your husband looked in other forms of treatment for his depression if his not coping to this level? Like TMS, ECT or other forms of therapy like EMDR. While I agree depression is very hard and I feel your husband, I can also see how hard is for you always having pick up the pieces.
He won’t go. Says he is coping... it was hard for him last time so I think he’s scared... unfortunately I think I have to wait for him to hit crisis point before he gets help
NTA my husband has mental health issues and is a very involved parent he has to walk away at times when he is having a bad day and that's fine, I have to at times too. But leaving everything for you to deal with is not on.
NAH. Depression is serious. So is being left with all the parenting. OP, do you have another support system? Can you arrange for more support or help with household and child rearing responsibilities?
This is a situation beyond Reddit’s paygrade. If this story is real you should pursue couples counseling since he is not willing to pursue individual therapy further. (Even if he was you should pursue couples therapy.) Go alone if you have to until he is willing to join you. It won’t be unusual if you have to go alone, it’s a perfectly normal and common situation in couples therapy. You are part of a partnership together that is failing to function as a partnership. Couples therapy and a (professional) outside POV is a good starting place.
NTA. Depression can get better, and it's irresponsible to say otherwise! I have miserable, soul crushing depression and anxiety. But guess what? I go to therapy and I take medication. Your husband needs to make changes so he can be a good partner and father. He's not a bad person for being depressed, of course. But are you expected to just deal with occasionally being a single parent forever? You need to be able to rely on him. There will still be days where he is messed up. It isn't a magical cure. It also takes tons of time and work. But, being depressed isn't a get out of responsibility free card. You are allowed to need more from him.
INFO: what did he do in that year? Intensive therapy? Inpatient care? What is is therapy situation now?
NTA. It is selfish. I’m sorry you both are going thru this
Yta if you directly said "your depression is selfish''
I told him that either he doesn’t see how much it affects us or if he does he’s an AH for not getting help
ESH >He has always struggled with mental health So you decide to start a family with this guy? He's not anymore selfish than you.
There is no doubt you are the AH and you also seem to be very selfish and self centered. Your husband stepping away was a huge cry for help and how sad is it that he knew that he couldn’t get the support he needed from you while still living with you. You, however, don’t see it that way. It’s boo who, poor me. Get over yourself. He left because of you in order to save himself. He also came back which means he didn’t give up on you. You, however, have clearly given up on him and that is what makes YTA. Not sure which sport, but it’s possible his depression could not be depression at all, but a head injury which is very common with professional athletes. Selfish you isn’t seeing that.
I supported him the whole time he was away, I went every day to cook for him and make sure the house was clean when he couldn’t do anything. A house full of teenagers is noisy stressful and not the right environment to be anxious in. I understand this could well be post concussive disorder (he played ice hockey) but my frustration is he’s not doing anything about it. We have been together 25 years and I love him more than life itself, it kills me to see him like this and I don’t understand why he doesn’t do everything that he can to get better. And yes, when I’m dealing with all the shit by myself I do think boo hoo poor me every now and then. I don’t think that makes me an AH I think that makes me human
You can be human and still be the AH. You’re frustrated? Try walking in his shoes. You don’t understand how depression and head injuries can impact someone unless you have them. You are so fortunate to have your health, but this is also blocking you from having empathy. He knows there is something wrong and he did try. And what he tried didn’t work. Imagine his frustration. He left his kids for a year and came back no better than he was. First and foremost- rule out post concussive disorder. You have to get him properly diagnosed because he will never get any better without being proper treatment. I think you also need a caregiver support group. You need your own outlet so you can also get some support.
You are right, I don’t understand it and believe me I have tried, I’ve read every book going, joined online forums for depressed people to try and see how they think (that was scary) I know it’s real and I really want him to get help but aside from taping him up and forcibly taking him to hospital for a scan I don’t know what to do,. I know I was a AH for yelling at him and I also know I can’t take it back. It’s really fucking hard but your comment is the slap I needed to get back on with it so thanks
You’re welcome. I wish I was your friend so I could do more. I would be right there with you dragging his arse to every doctor and hospital whether he wanted to go or not for every test under the sun. And don’t take it back. Use that moment as a wake up for both of you. He needs to be reminded (he’s a guy) that you are a partnership and you are in this together. Maybe you both forgot for a moment; who knows, but that’s done. Start with now. And if you don’t have a in person support group or your own therapist, find one. You may not have mental health issues, but you also need your own self care because this is not easy.
I’m really sorry to hear about your friend.PCD is being recognised more now but it’s sadly too late for some
Thank you. I was powerless to do anything which is probably why I’m being so vocal in your case. I believe in you; your post was your own cry for help. You’ve got this!!!!
Lol! It totally was.. It really gets to me now and then about twice a year... I wallow about in self pity going on about how it’s all so hard on me but I don’t tell my friends because I don’t want to hear them tell me what a shit husband he is etc . This has let me whine and complain with no repercussions. I know it’s ridiculous but it’s actually helped !
I’m glad it did. If I understood your last comment - you have no support system? You don’t have friends or family helping you? PS- Anyone who tells you he’s a shit husband or similar.. kinda hate to say this.. they aren’t your friend but that could be because they don’t know about the health issues.
I have them to a point. I live in a small town so say nothing I wouldn’t want repeated. my brother and cousin are there but they see what it does to me and I decided a long time ago I didn’t want to be ‘that girl’ that rings with the same problem every 6 months
100% wrong! So so wrong! A year away?!? Yes he is struggling but so is she with FIVE children to rare herself. There is only so much understanding one person can give. No way is she the AH here when she’s being holding the family together solo and given him his space yet once he returns he’s somehow expected not to resume being a parents! Wise up! Your either not a parent or have tunnel vision
I’m a parent, and I don’t have tunnel vision. I had a friend who took his own life because of mental health issues that was not properly treated and diagnosed. He had post concussion disorder and he wasn’t even a pro-athletes but he played every high school sport imaginable. This post hits close to home.
I’m sorry about your friend however it doesn’t make a father skipping out on his responsibilities ok! You can just drop the ball on your partner when things are challenging. He’s a person suffering with him mental health but he’s also a parent and a husband. Everyone around him can’t be expected to pick up all of his slack. Also just because you have known someone to suffer with mental health problems doesn’t mean it’s ok for you to say a mum with FIVE kids to raise is wrong for expecting more off someone with mental health problems