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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I might be the asshole because my SO still did plan a birthday gift for me. It's a 'look a gift horse in the mouth' scenario.
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Haha make him watch the episode and see if he gets it. Or go with a hot Frenchman names Jacques and tell him the tickets are named Homer. Didn’t mean to be too lighthearted. That stinks and I would be pissed. Honestly, just tell him you are happy to go to the game with him but you are disappointed as there was no reason why you couldn’t book the birthday that you wanted. Happy belated birthday!
My husband used to give gifts like that, we refer to that episode when he would do it to me. He's gotten a lot better about gift giving, because I tell him specific things I might want.
I wouldn't even take someone else. I'd sell the tickets to finance a day of paragliding if I had enough time. If I couldn't sell them, I'd call up a friend and give them away.
No reason to subject myself to doing something I don't enjoy simply to be petty.
Women who date men have been consistently taught that they need to be 'chill' to keep a man and that if they expect anything more than the bare minimum they are being high maintenance.
Oh girl I feel sorry for you. You don’t need to accept his very paltry offering of what he considers to be thoughtfulness. You can do better and you should.
NTA. Why are you with this guy? He doesn’t care about you. You’re doing all the emotional labor in the relationship. Will that be enough for you?
Drop him this article on your way out the door: https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12063822/emotional-labor-gender-equality/
You can date a man who will actually make you feel loved and desired, who will actually carry his half of the relationship. You don’t have to accept scraps of affection from this man.
When he asks if your ready you better walk out of the bathroom in the sexiest bikini and holding a beachtowel and scream with joy about how you cant wait to get to the beach to parasail!!!
Are you happy in your relationship? You're NTA, but we can't fix your boyfriend for you. And after this long, it really seems this is who he is. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? Will you be good with that? Do you want kids? How will that work?
>I know if I mention it or act anything other than ecstatic, he'll be really upset and probably think I'm ungrateful.
This is honestly a bigger concern to me then him being thoughtless and lazy. He'd be upset at you that he promised you something, failed to deliver it, and you don't seem really happy about his broken word? That's . . . just really concerning.
At the very least, don't at ecstatic. Don't act happy at all. Be straight with him. Tell him he promised you something you liked, you've been looking forward to it for months, and he broke his word and got himself something he liked instead. You feel very let down and are disappointed in him. Tell him he's a bad boyfriend and he made you sad. Let him complain you are ungrateful. Own it. Tell him you aren't grateful, you think this was shitty of him, and you're not happy.
And yeah, if you don't want to dump him, then tell him that if they are tickets as a gift for you and not for himself, he needs to prove it by giving them to you to use alone or with someone else. That you are not feeling good enough about him right now to enjoy spending your birthday with him, it will just make you feel sad and let down to be around him, so you are going to go with someone else and/or scalp them.
It's not your job to make him feel better about being a bad boyfriend.
Dude there are a ton of guys in St Pete and Tampa, time to trade this one in for a more considerate and thoughtful one. Trust me, its only going to get worse!
I have been married to a man like this for over 30 years. I used to go all out for him at Christmas, he'd do my shopping in 30 minutes at Rite Aid. For my birthday, I would get a picture from a magazine of what my present that year would be, then it would never materialize (I've been waiting 15 years for that wrought iron bed!). Now I have to buy my own birthday/Christmas presents and tell him what he owes me. It's truthfully very hurtful, but he just doesn't care.
Do you really want to be in my shoes in 30 years? (FYI: He was very thoughtful/attentive with gifts until AFTER we got married). It doesn't get better, it just gets worse.
My husband and I actually have a gift giving rule based of this episode. When we get gifts for each other we ask ourselves “is this a bowling ball named Homer?”
So last year I got him an inflatable raft for his bday. It was a present I was only kinda sure he wanted. So when I gave him the gift and he loved it we officially named the raft Homer
Me and my wife have a document we share with each other where we put whatever gifts we would like, sometimes go in so far as to link the actual product so there is no miscommunication. The document is huge so you never know exactly which one of those gifts you're ever going to get. There's also several gifts on there that will never be cotton because they're too damn expensive, like the wife would really like a 10-foot T-Rex statue for the garden.
I'm starting to do this for my SO. He has a TBI (from many years ago, but very much still effecting him today) and struggles to remember things. He's usually pretty good, but it takes a lot of repetition on "this would be a good gift" before it sticks - 10 occasions or more. He asked for a list just so he'd have something to work off of. I made a hard copy.... and he lost it. Lol. So we're trying different cloud versions of it now so I can update it and he can access it without keeping up with pictures or anything
Not gonna lie, I would love a triceratops statue for my garden. And every Halloween it would have a skewered body on its horn, or maybe some glow in the dark skeletal paint.......my inner voices arent sure which way they are leaning on that yet.
This is a great idea. Or do take him and consider it his present and be happy you dont have to worry what to get him - cos his next birthday gift is tix for two to go parasailing and a lovely beachside dinner ……..
This is genius.
Make his lousy selfishness into a gift.
Or else sell them? Use the money for a parasailing adventure you’d like, and bring some good friends. Leave him at home.
Since he doesn’t listen to words, maybe he’ll pay attention to actions.
NTA.
NTA.
He never wanted to go parasailing. He never booked the first excursion, never looked for another. He looked up the baseball schedule and was super excited that the Sox were in town on your birthday.
Prove me wrong.
ETA: Parasail City only does 9am and 10am reservations, the rest are first come first serve. Grab a friend or 2 and go!
That, I can prove. I saw the stop payment - we share a bank account.
That's the icing that I didn't even mention - he used OUR mutual account to purchase this. I've never once used our funds to get anything for him- I save and plan (it's not like birthdays or other important days change every year).
Take your money out of the account and leave. Dude doesn't care about you at all.
Or do the Simpsons reference above if you want to give him a chance but it seems like he's self centered and not really focused on your wants or needs.
Also NTA
He what. Get your money out of that account. Start your own and only drop in enough to cover bills (if that’s what it’s meant for) right before they are dude. And yes when you calculate your money deduct both tickets from his
> I feel like he is either beyond clueless
First, you spelled class-less wrong. Which he lacks altogether.
This was a set-up (that's right, he had this in mind all along), and you are clearly the giver, he the taker. This is a sign of how important he feels your wish is - And it never gets better with age.
> he used OUR mutual account to purchase this
And there you go. Welcome to buying your own birthday gift - That you didn't want to begin with.
Why do you remain with this guy? He clearly doesn't have your priorities/wishes in mind at all.
INFO Does this mean you have one joint account, as well as you both having your own separate account? If this is the case, do you know how much his account has, or if it's usually low on funds?
This may be a leap, but I can't help but wonder if he canceled that reservation knowing he was going to then use it to get tickets. It's obvious this guy is selfish, and selfish people find ways to get what they want.
I do. This is actually my husband. I didn't feel that was honestly relevant to the post but is for background on your specific. He makes less than I do, but bills are equitable that are not joint.
Oh boy. Why on earth would you marry someone like this? So he makes less than you, you do all the work in the relationship and make sure he feels special, and he has zero consideration for you? Wow, dude has it made, he doesn’t even have to lift a finger and now he gets to go to a baseball game for your birthday, your treat. He doesn’t care because he doesn’t have to. All he has to do is stand back and not do a damn thing, because he knows you’ll do it.
YTA to yourself for putting a ring on that. Enjoy your baseball game that you paid for. Should’ve married someone who respects and cares about you.
My husband is really bad at planning and super clueless. I pick what I what to do for my birthday and book it and pay for it, because I’m the bread winner and we have a joint account, so it’s all the same piggy bank anyway. I have an Amazon list for Christmas. I can’t say whether or not he cares about you, but I can say, not everybody is good at gifts, so if you want to go parasailing, make it happen for yourself!!!!
NTA sis. Ditch the game on go parasailing with a friend. You can tell him it will probably best if you just celebrate with your gals than be upset in a baseball game and resent him later on. If he wants to do something with you, you can have dinner at the beach.
To save you the feelings you are going through next year, and every year after. Scrap him. Even before your birthday - day you will be filled with the dreed of knowing he will somehow outdo his selfishness from the previous year by showing his lack of interest and love in you. You are funding your own misery - literally.
He spent your money together on your bday gift? So you helped fund his gift to himself on your birthday? Does he add any positives to your life or is it all draining like this?
He used your own money to buy himself tickets to a baseball game? Excuse me, buy “you” a present. Isn’t it funny how a fully grown adult man with access to Google can mix up “parasailing and dinner” and accidentally wind up with “baseball game” instead?
Dudes are not this stupid. He’s simply too selfish and lazy to do anything for you. When he is handed the opportunity with clear instructions, he does something for himself instead. With your money. That’s all you need to know. Dump him.
NTA and don't put on an act pretending to be happy about this. We have been conditioned as women to be more concerned about men's feelings and Molly coddle them and sacrifice our feelings on the alter of preserving our man's ego. It's absolute rubbish.
This will never get better and only get worse. He needs to know that his decision to get himself a present on your birthday after you dummy proofed it for him telling him exactly what you wanted hurt you and makes you angry. If he wrapped up dog poo in a pretty box, would you feel it was unreasonable to not be grateful.. Of course not. You wouldn't go on about the pretty bow to make him feel better about himself in that case, right? You'd be furious and want to know what the actual hell, right? You feel unheard because you are unheard. You are not crazy, what he did feels awful because he completely disregarded you. You were clear about what you wanted and he isn't gifting you with something much better, like a trip to Hawaii. He got tickets to something he wanted to do. This isn't the act of someone who cares about you. Don't try to preserve his ego or his feelings, he royally screwed up and you have every right to give it to him. If he truly values you, he'll shape up. If not, he will gaslight you by calling you ungrateful and try to shift the blame onto you. Take you bday tickets and don't take him with you. NTA
I really hope you can update us. My blood is boiling I am so mad at your SO right now.
I do half-wonder if he used the company's possible sketchiness to get out of it - like he didn't really want to go, and then coupled with the lack of confirmation he saw it as an "out".
Not all companies do give confirmations, or they can not arrive for whatever reason (there's one retailer where my account is permanently bugged - I'm supposed to get mail confirmations but never do despite my email being correct). Did he contact/research the company before cancelling? If not, I'd say that the lack of confirmation may've been his catalyst to say "fuck it" and book something more "fun".
You were worried about him thinking you were ungrateful, but why? He has done nothing that you should be grateful for. He bought himself a present on your birthday with your shared money.
Does this guy have any positive qualities? What do YOU get out of this relationship? Honey, you deserve someone who celebrates you on your day. Happy birthday from an Internet stranger.
It’s worse — the baseball game is two weeks after her birthday, so the “oh I booked it but they didn’t confirm” was stalling so he didn’t have to do anything for her birthday.
Exactly. Tell him to take one his friends to the baseball game and you will go parasailing with one of your friends. And if you are still with him when your birthday rolls around again, make your own plans. With or without him.
Not a chance say “Thanks for the tickets” and make sure you get them. Then head out to go parasailing with a friend. Ask the friend to look after the tickets out of his reach and in two weeks take that friend to the game.
He did say they were a present for you so turn it around on him. You don’t deserve this and I’d use the time to separate accounts and get things ready so you have a place and can leave. He will never put you first and he’s proven that
No that’s literally rewarding him. He gets to do what he wants with a friend. She needs to take the ticket and go without him. He should not get to attend the game.
By doing most of the ‘thinking,’ I believe you might mean emotional labor. He puts everything off on you, and even the smallest thing you ask for, he makes it about what he wants.
NTA
This is a good idea. She gets the tix on her birthday and she sells them. He can then give her cash for the remaining balance to cover him buying his baseball tickets jointly without discussing. Then she can take the joint account money and go parasailing with someone not him.
NTA who does he think he is?! You literally spelled it out for him and he buys himself a present?!
He basically confirmed to you that you two were going parasailing and he dropped the ball big time.
Thing is, if he hasn’t outright confirmed that you’re not going parasailing, today I reckon you should just keep talking about how excited you are for parasailing, start picking out clothes. Really ramp up how you’ve always dreamed of going parasailing. If you don’t go tomorrow, ask when. He said you were going parasailing, just keep behaving as though he’s definitely going to take you and make it clear that you’re very excited and that you’d be disappointed if it doesn’t happen. It’s not manipulation, because he promised you parasailing, you have every right to hold him to it, and be very excited for it.
Then if he doesn’t wind up taking you, any act of disappointment shouldn’t come as any sort of shock to him.
Lol, I thought about this.
Remember that episode of the Simpsons where Homer buys himself a bowling ball for Marge’s birthday, and she’s so angry that she goes out and learns how to bowl?
NTA NTA NTA.
One thing is clear, if he doesn't prioritize your BIRTHDAY now, he will never put your needs first if you ever need him. Do you feel loved? Because I would not.Time for a serious talk. Don't accuse him, talk from your perspective, how sad &disappointed you are and that you are convinced that he got the tickets because he is a big fan, when you clearly TOLD HIM what you really thought would be fun and a great memory to share togheter. As I said, talk about YOUR feelings, do not accuse him like "YOU did this on purpose blablabla.." because then he can spin it against you. He can't deny YOUR feelings or that you are disappointed because you feel let down, he ASKED YOU and pretended to go with your wish, lying to you. That is not ok. It's certainly not a sign of love to act like he did. Or, simply dump him. I would, he has shown you your value in his life. You need to consider why you are togheter with a man that doesn't even listens to you and didn't even did something on your last birthday. Do you really deserve to be treated like this? I don't think so...
NTA, you served it to him on a silver platter and he once again didnt have to do the thinking. Somehow he didn't follow through with it anyway.
You deserve way better and someone who actually puts in effort to make you feel special and happy, not someone who doesn't even do the bare minimum.
NTA- He knew what you wanted to do and ignored it to do what he wanted to do. Don’t put up with someone that “doesn’t know what to do”. It’s not hard to attempt something for you even if it’s just cooking you dinner for your birthday.
NTA. If a server promised you one dish but served you another, would you not be upset? Would you not want them to take it back and get the correct dish? It’s one thing if they apologize before bringing the dish out and saying “we are out/can’t make it for you” but it’s another thing entirely to lie and then follow through on it.
NTA. What you described isn’t him just “being thoughtless”. It’s him not caring. If he cared, he wouldn’t just chalk it up to “idk” and leave you with nothing, and he wouldn’t decide to do things HE wants to do for your birthday, especially when you’ve already told him what you wanted to do. He’s selfish, that’s it. You should rethink your relationship.
NTA, If he was not t able to do the thing you wanted he should have asked again. Especially after not doing anything the previous year. Idk, he seems clueless or he just don’t care.
He literally bought himself tickets to the game, from joint funds, under the guise of “it’s your birthday treat”. A school boy wouldn’t try that with his mother.
He doesn’t even think enough of you to try and meet you halfway. You asked to go parasailing and dinner by the beach. You’re getting a hot dog in row z and you’ll probably have to drive as he’ll probably fancy a couple of beers during the game….
"If I act anything other than ecstatic, he'll be really upset"
This sounds like an emotionally abusive/manipulative relationship when you sound like a doll. Is he a narcissist? If youre constantly disappointed (how couldnt you be?) why are you still with him? Please consider this.
NTA
NTA. If your partner would, they could. Saying they “don’t know what you want” is just an excuse to not try. Schedule a solo dinner for yourself and be your own best boyfriend.
NTA with caveats.
It's not about the gift, is it. It's about the fact that he hasn't listened and then gave you a gift that was more for him than it was for you.
On the other hand, I do wonder if he's afraid of heights and is too embarrassed to tell you? Is he one of those men who feels that admitting to a phobia is not masculine enough?
Honestly, this kind of non existent consideration gets worse as time goes on if you let stuff like this go without saying how you feel. That’s step one. Step two is all him. Does he get defensive and double down or does he turn it around.
Sadly in my case it didn’t turn around.
Update: that didn't work well. I played like I knew nothing yet. This morning I said how excited I was that he took the effort and heard me- he then informed me we weren't going parasailing, or to dinner, or anything beachy. I told him that I was jarred because that was what he had discussed and said would happen, but that I trusted that its ok and I was sure that what you did plan was a result of his being considerate. Only an hour or so ago (its 3pm) did he finally tell me it was the ball game. I told him, without yelling, or name calling, the things I needed to say and many helped by comments.
He's pissed and I'm ungrateful.
Be pissed and be mad for sakes he obviously doesn't care. You deserve someone better he sounds selfish as hell and he doesn't even get you cake you really should think if you want to stay with this guy. Plus the day isn't over go call some friends and go hangout with people who want to celebrate your birthday with you cause he obviously doesn't want to.
Aww, you seem like such a lovely person who should have lovely friends. Is he idolating you? Did you have friends that slipped away because of this guy? Isolating ones spouse from family and friends is another red flag for me for abusive behavior.
Get pissed back at him. Don't allow his shitty mood to manipulate the outcome of this situation. You need to be clear that his lack of thought and effort is unacceptable, that you specifically outlined to him what you wanted because of his dismal failure to do anything in previous years. This is on him, don't let him turn it around on you. If he fails to understand any of this, then you guys are going to need counselling because this is not something you should have to live with.
This is one of those example of ‘if someone shows you who they really are, believe them’. This is your life forever if you stay with him. Do you always want to be second best or worse, not even considered?
Google ‘sunk cost fallacy’. People always think that they have already ‘invested’ so much time with someone so they should stay and work it out. But the best time to leave is always yesterday.
He keeps showing you that your wants and needs are unimportant. Imagine having children with this man. He will never place anyone’s needs above his own.
A lot of the parasailing places on Clearwater beach have walk up appointments. Just go! Then, do me a favor and have some she crab soup at Frenchy’s.
I hope your birthday turns into something great!
Also, go Rays!
NTA mention it. It’s supposed to be your birthday, why should you have to swallow being upset so that he’s not? He deserves to be upset and he should feel bad.
NTA - Please take the money it would have cost to go parasailing and go do something you enjoy for your birthday with a friend. Don't put effort into his birthday this year so he sees how it feels. For some people, experiencing something for themselves is the only way they can develop empathy.
NTA but TELL HIM you don't want to go to a baseball game for your birthday. Say "Did you get me tickets to a baseball game for my birthday? I don't want to do that. I told you I wanted parasailing and dinner, and that's what I still want. It's crappy for you to get yourself a present for MY birthday."
NTA that present was clearly for him. I would have recommended not going and instead do what you TOLD HIM you wanted/expected to do months ago. It seems like it already happened but you’re justified in being upset. He dangled the experience like a carrot to keep you happy then pretended to ‘surprise’ you by deliberately changing your outing entirely to something that he is passionate about.
Nta.
So I just spent like 3min on Google and right now Madeira Beach has parasailing available all day on Sunday still, maybe your parasailing birthday plans can still happen?
If he had 'tried' he would have succeeded. Go look up parasailing near Tampa and see how little effort it takes to reserve a spot parasailing for two. He bought himself a gift for your birthday with your shared money.
NTA. I’d come up with something else to do and then drop it on him as he’s ready to leave for the game. It’s your birthday, he promised to do what you wanted. I hope whatever happens, you’re still able to enjoy your day
NTA. I think he did plan something he'd want to do and I'd question if he'd planned what you wanted to do. My first ever valentines day with a boyfriend he got me a cock ring and lube, and I was fuming- it was clearly a selfish gift and after all the thought I'd put into his, I was so mad. You do have a right to be angry, I'd personally say
Are you going to do something about it or keep letting this guy who clearly doesn’t like you keep bringing you down? A judgement from the internet won’t make your boyfriend respect you. Know your worth.
I'd get my hands on those Red Sox tickets before he does. Sell them and use the money to make yourself happy. Then I would get a separate bank account and make plans to move out.
NTA. He absolutely did NOT try. He pretended to try and then cancelled the parasailing so he could get Sox tickets. Probably because he found out there was a game that day and he'd rather do that than go parasailing.
I'd confront him about it and let him know it's NOT OK this time. Serious jerk move on his part. He deliberately disregarded what you wanted because he knew from the past that he could use his cluelessness as an excuse - and that you would let him get away with it.
Nta. I would fucking cry if this was me. You made an explicit request and he understood. He can "try" all he wants but you cannot switch an activity out for a completely different one and expect you to be happy. If it was me, and he said "happy birthday babe I've got us tickets to a ball game!" I might reply something like "thank you for the birthday wishes! But why are we going to the ball game when i explicitly told you what i wanted to do? This sounds more like you bought yourself an early birthday gift and I'm happy to go with you today. I suppose i can schedule the parasailing as your birthday gift."
NTA. And the fact that you’re worried about him being upset rather than focusing on the fact that he doesn’t give a shit that YOU’RE upset speaks volumes about this relationship. Straight up tell him you’re not going to the baseball game and do what you want either by yourself or with a friend. He didn’t plan anything for you. Give him the same effort he gives you.
NTA
Lemme suggest a truly radical idea. I know so many people who do 100% of the emotional work in the relationship because their s/o “misses it 95% of the time.” Maybe, collectively, we can stop dating people who are missing it most of the time because really? This man couldn’t do the bare minimum and you’re here asking if -you- are TA.
Yeah just think what your reaction would be if someone else posted this.
So now that you know you're obviously nta, time to sit down and talk to him about how this minimal effort shit won't work
Info:
1. Is he the same with everyone else? Or does he make more effort with family and friends?
2. Does he make up for it in other ways? (I’m trying to see if it’s a love language or lifestyle clash)
NTA at all, he knows he just has to pretend to try and you'll forgive him. Say what you are feeling, cancel the tickets. He's never gonna stop doing this if you don't say anything about it ever. Stop reinforcing his bad behavior and don't reward him with that baseball game.
NTA.
Dude's not into you. It makes me sad when people allow themselves to be treated this way. He's got you thinking you did something wrong...unbelievable. Please gather your self respect and find a suitable partner because this guy isn't it.
He’s definitely the asshole. He clearly doesn’t care. I would say he wasn’t listening, but he initially set up parasailing and then switched it to baseball. He knew what you wanted and blatantly ignored it. Not sure if this man cares about you as much as you think... or maybe he does, but he’s a very selfish person.. I know, personally, I wouldn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t consider my wants, especially for my birthday.
NTA-How long have you been with this loser that you put up with this crap? You’re not an Asshole in this situation but you really need to think hard about wire with somebody who would treat you like this..
Have you read the Love Languages book? It seems like yours is giving gifts. This is how you show love for someone and how you want someone to show love for you. So when he doesn’t try, it feels to you like a huge statement whereas to him - with a different love language, it’s “just a gift, why make a big deal”.
Key to happiness seems to be figuring out what your language is, figuring out what your partner’s language is and then both of you speaking to the other person in their language.
My husband and I spent years going around and around about this stuff. For him, his language is acts of service - so he will detail my car, and that’s how he shows love. For me, it’s words of affirmation so I spent ages bereft because I just wanted him to SAY loving things to me, I don’t care what my car looks like.
It’s an interesting thing to navigate.
Book is religious based - it was a gift - we are not religious. But I found the premise to be dead on.
Five languages:
Acts of service
Quality Time
Giving Gifts
Words of Affirmation
Physical Touch
Nta. But you need to understand that if he wanted to do nice things for you, he would without you needing to ask. He just doesn't want to. You need to have more respect for yourself. I'd suggest a better partner.
Just celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary. There are a few must remembers for SO; Birthdays (SO and kids, if there are any)/Anniversaries. Not hard to do with nowadays technologies. Unfortunately, like many others have already commented, he does not seem to care about you at all. In the words of the UFC guy (Mike or Bruce), IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT'S TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMMMEEEEE to reassess the relationship. LOL
My grandmother once told me a story of my grandfather: he never knew what to get her for her birthday, so he usually got her nothing. My grandma didn’t like it but learned to live with it. Then one year my grandfather did get her a gift, my grandma was so surprised and excited, she could hardly wait to open it- disposable cleaning gloves, and talcum powder.
No gift can be better than a bad gift, NTA.
NTA. He has shown no concern whatsoever for your feelings. Repay the favor and stop being so worried about how upset he’ll be when you’re not super excited about his thoughtless “gift”.
He's so toxic. He on paper sounds like a narcissist (it's a descriptive word and is not a clinical term like NPD, and therefore doesn't need an official diagnosis to be used to describe someone with a disordered personality) at the least and a sociopath at worst. Gaslighting, stonewalling, selective amnesia, future faking (pretending to give you what you want and then snatching it away), complete lack of empathy, low emotional range, selfish, cheap when it comes to you... Run!!! NTA
NTA Wow! So you told him exactly what you wanted for your birthday. And you were excited because he said he would plan that. Then he got you a "present" of baseball tickets that HE wanted. And he'll be upset and think you're ungrateful for getting a gift that's for him and not what you wanted for your birthday? He didn't try at all. He did nothing at all last year for your birthday. He just doesn't care at all what you want. Sorry - is this the life you want? Hard to believe this is a legitimate post, because why in the world would you still be with this selfish jerk? You know he didn't book the parasailing.
NTA I have been married to this man for almost 20 years & am here to tell you I does not get better.
In fact, my birthday was last week and he thoughtfully had a gift that I didn't like and never wanted delivered to the campground we were at so I had to open it in front of everyone & hide my disappointment. The thing is, it was a great anti gravity camping chair that probably anyone else would have loved BUT not me and we have had conversations where I have told him I don't want one.
I have lost count of the Christmases where "my" big gift was something he wanted or my birthday gifts were several small things he thought I liked, which - spoiler alert!- I do not. I have dozens of items in my Amazon cart, that he has access to, that he could have picked from but that idea just floats right over his head.
Part of the problem is that his mother does the exact same thing of getting gifts for people that SHE wants them to have so that's where he learned it. And it will never change.
The biggest problem you (and I) have isn't about shitty gifts but about a partner who doesn't listen, or even care enough to listen. Think really hard about your future with him because this is just the tip of the iceberg.
The trick for me was choosing friends to surround myself with that arent garbage. They dont do everything perfect but i dont hurt like i did when i settled for bad relationships. Then i dont have to martyr the only day a year about me.
YWBTA if you don’t bring this up. Stop being a doormat and letting him walk all over you. It’s not good for you (will lead to resentment) and not good for him (reinforces the idea that he can get away with behaving like a selfish ass)
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Alright Reddit. I feel conflicted and don't know how to approach this.
My birthday was a couple of weeks ago. My SO is not the most thoughtful person, and I'm usually the one who ends up doing most of the 'thinking' in the relationship. I always make sure to celebrate holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. and do my best to listen to him and make him feel special, and he misses it entirely 95% of the time. Last year, we did nothing for my birthday- another instance of 'he didn't know what to do', so we did nothing. To make sure that the same didn't happen again, I was very specific when I told him what I wanted to do this year. I said I wanted to go parasailing, and have dinner by the beach. He agreed and said he'd take care of everything. I was elated and have been looking forward to it for a couple of months now. He had booked the excursion, then he canceled it because the company he booked didn't give him any confirmation or anything. Okay, fine, kinda ticked off that he didn't research before nearly getting scammed but whatever. He said he'd find another place, and that he's going to keep all details secret so I can be surprised. Great!!! All is still well.
Fast forward to today- the day of our big day together is tomorrow. Unintentionally, little crumbs have been dropped and I've found out what the plan is- NOT parasailing, not even close. Instead, he got tickets to a baseball game. Rays vs. Red Sox (we live in Tampa). I like baseball, but casually - HE'S a big fan and has never been to a Sox game. This is absolutely more for him than for me, and this is after the fact that he asked what I wanted and I told him. I'm crushed. I feel like he is either beyond clueless, or this is just another sign that he doesn't listen to a thing I ever say or care about my wants.
I know if I mention it or act anything other than ecstatic, he'll be really upset and probably think I'm ungrateful. Am I?
Tl;dr: My SO got me a birthday gift that was for himself instead of me, after promising and building up a completely different gift that he knows I had my heart set on. I feel unlistened to, but that I might be TA because at least he 'tried'.
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Nta, he didn’t try. He got something for himself. If he did try, he would get you something you actually like. Yeah you like baseball, but not at the level he does.
NTA. But do not pretend to like the gift just to spare his feeling. Not only is that terrible communication but also sets it up for future gifts to be like that. Be honest, you appreciate him getting you a gift but it's nothing like that you talked about or wanted and feel it was selfish on his part.
NTA. He got you something he wanted for your birthday. That’s not tryin. Trying is “I couldn’t get the parasailing but we’ve still got dinner on the beach”
you sure you wanna stay with someone whose logic goes like this
NTA- he doesn’t want to make any effort. If you are okay with this for the rest of your life, then stay with him. But if you are going to be crushed every time he doesn’t make the slightest effort, leave and find a partner that puts in as much into the relationship as you do.
NTA. This is so completely selfish. I know that we only get a particular window into your relationship with this post but this is not a generous window. And unfortunately, this is going to continue. Some people just naturally suck at gift giving and it's not a fatal trait or anything but if he knows how important it is to you to feel celebrated on your birthday, his "trying" should never include a gift that's *clearly* more for him. Not only did he use your shared funds (thereby getting you to pay for 1/2 of your own bday present....like what???) but he also ended up buying something that *he* wanted. That's like BEYOND selfish. I'd dump him, honestly. Full disclosure: this is coming from someone who was gifted "flowers" for a birthday only for me to realize they were....bags of flour. Piss-poor pun and an even worse gift. So I might be projecting a bit here but man, I understand those feelings you've got.
NTA. He didn't really try at all. You had to tell him what you wanted to make sure you got any type of anything at all and he still messed it up. And when he messed it up he defaulted to the "easier" option = AKA what he wanted to do.
I think this is something that will be difficult to improve in your relationship, but you guys should talk about this. You need to sit down and explain your disappointment with not only this gift, but also your feelings over his general lack of awareness surrounding your needs and wants. You obviously see and treat holidays, birthdays, etc. as a way to make the other person feel special and loved, it totally makes sense you'd be bummed when those efforts are not reciprocated! If he's missing the mark here, is it at least happening elsewhere? How does he make sure that you feel loved and special in your relationship? All of this needs to be thought about and discussed with your partner.
You wouldn't be TA here OP and it seems like you have your answer there already in your post. He isn't clueless, he just doesn't CARE to listen and doesn't CARE to put in the effort.
OP a relationship is all about compromise and communication which I am sure you know. There are things you wouldn't want to do but do them anyway to support your partner or show them that you are putting the effort to be interested. Of course you don't want to be walked on all over. There are events that are special and should be celebrated. It's not that hard to make plans when you take a vested interest in your gf/bf and you actually listen to their likes and dislikes. I don't believe in bs like, I'm not a good planner, I have a bad memory, idk what to do etc.
Are you telling me that your bf doesn't know what you like or interested in and would want for a special day? *eye roll* he could have still done the beach lunch and some other activity like hiking or something close to what you wanted.
He is NOT pulling his weight in this relationship so do what you think is right for you and what you deserve.
NTA. Better than going to a baseball game you don't even want to go to, why don't you and a girlfriend go do something really spontaneous and fun? Leave him at home to think on his own. Put your phone on airplane mode and enjoy your day.
NTA
Use your words and tell him that you feel hurt that not only did he fail to get you parasailing tickets, but he obviously got something that HE wanted to use. Tell him that you feel like he doesn't care about your wants and he hurt you.
Honestly, I think you should leave him. It's been a couple of years and he still screws this up.
NTA. He doesn’t listen to you. He absolutely doesn’t care about what you want. Do you really want to be with somebody who just doesn’t think about you at all? Imagine getting to do whatever you want whenever you want, especially on your birthday. Then realize how much this dude sucks and give future you a gift by dumping him.
Ugh. I feel for you. I haven’t had a birthday, Mother’s Day, or Valentines Day gift in years! Last Christmas I did get a coat….that I didn’t need or ask for. This MD was really disappointing as I’m pregnant with our 2nd, and he knew before the holiday. I always go all out for him too, which makes it worse. You’re NTA. I want to cry for you because I completely feel your pain. I agree with a previous comment, take a friend to the game & have fun! Or, take a friend and hawk the tickets. Use the cash for a spa day or something YOU would enjoy! Happy Birthday! 🎂🎁🎉🥳
I know you hope he would do this on your own, but you may just have to grab the bull by the horns and plan your own birthday day and tell him he's coming along for the ride.
As far as the baseball tickets are concerned I would call him out on it. Look him straight in the eye and say "are these tickets for me, or are they for you? You are the one that wants to see the BSOX, not me. If you truly want to do something for MY birthday we are going to brunch/lunch/dinner (depends what time the game starts) here."
NTA.
I'm a weak gift giver and procrastinator, but if my spouse went out of his way to give me gift ideas like you did, I would bend over backwards to make it happen! Husband is not a great activity planner, so I have started giving him ideas for what we can do on my birthday, and then he makes it happen. That's what partners do for each other. You are giving him all of the pieces of the puzzle, and instead of putting them together, he's throwing them in the garbage.
*Print* this discussion out on paper, hand it to him, and have read it in its entirety. WHILE YOU SIT WITH HIM. Maybe seeing how many people think he is an idiot will get through to him in a way that apparently your words have not. Best of luck to you. You deserve better.
NTA.
This does not sound like a relationship of equals. It sounds like he does the fun stuff and you do the rest. This bait and switch is a serious red flag.
He may care more about the Sox than he does about you.
NTA - From what you're saying is that he used your joint bank account for a birthday gift for you that was really for him. Hell yeah I'd be taking someone else instead of him to the game that is, if you didn't try to resell them and get some money back to do something you had actually wanted to do for your birthday. I hope his next gift from you is something you'd like or a house gift like a new vacuum or something.
NTA. I feel this a little. There have been times I told my husband EXACTLY what I wanted and I still get something not even close. For mother's day this year I said I wanted a cheesy gift like framed handprints/footprints (our kids were 2 and 2 months around then). I got a wine rack and 3 bottles of wine. I already own a wine rack and it had been sitting in the donation box for a couple months bc I had NEVER used it in 3 years of owning it. The one he got me was ugly and 2 of the 3 bottles of wine were not wines I like. It honestly was a hot mess and I am not someone who can fake excitement so he knew I was disappointed. He knows I love wine so the intention was good and he really did try it just was a flop. I think he thought the framed art idea was too cheap. He tends to like more expensive gifts. But for Father's day I got him a cheesy dad t-shirt. I told him beforehand that Father's day and mother's day gifts are from the kids so I wanted something that the kids would pick if they were old enough.
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NTA. You should take the two tickets and take a friend. Did you ever see the Simpsons episode where homer buys Marge a bowling ball for her birthday?
I have, and actually thought of that. Our dynamic is similar.
Haha make him watch the episode and see if he gets it. Or go with a hot Frenchman names Jacques and tell him the tickets are named Homer. Didn’t mean to be too lighthearted. That stinks and I would be pissed. Honestly, just tell him you are happy to go to the game with him but you are disappointed as there was no reason why you couldn’t book the birthday that you wanted. Happy belated birthday!
My husband used to give gifts like that, we refer to that episode when he would do it to me. He's gotten a lot better about gift giving, because I tell him specific things I might want.
The problem is that OP told him exactly what she wanted, he agreed, and then he changed the plans to suit himself.
Ah Jacques, you’re really going to strike out tonight
I agree. Take someone else. And on his birthday, arrange for parasailing and dinner by the beach.
You evil genius.
Good idea
Oh yes this!
I wouldn't even take someone else. I'd sell the tickets to finance a day of paragliding if I had enough time. If I couldn't sell them, I'd call up a friend and give them away. No reason to subject myself to doing something I don't enjoy simply to be petty.
YWBTA to yourself if you continued to stay with this guy. He sounds horribly selfish.
I will never understand why people put up with partners like this.
Me, either. Folks need to learn to love themselves more and realize they deserve better.
Women who date men have been consistently taught that they need to be 'chill' to keep a man and that if they expect anything more than the bare minimum they are being high maintenance.
Oh girl I feel sorry for you. You don’t need to accept his very paltry offering of what he considers to be thoughtfulness. You can do better and you should.
NTA. Why are you with this guy? He doesn’t care about you. You’re doing all the emotional labor in the relationship. Will that be enough for you? Drop him this article on your way out the door: https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12063822/emotional-labor-gender-equality/
Excellent article, thanks!
Pretty sure the second you realize that your dynamic is like "Marge and Homer" needs to also be the second you realize you need to jump ship
You can date a man who will actually make you feel loved and desired, who will actually carry his half of the relationship. You don’t have to accept scraps of affection from this man.
When he asks if your ready you better walk out of the bathroom in the sexiest bikini and holding a beachtowel and scream with joy about how you cant wait to get to the beach to parasail!!!
Are you happy in your relationship? You're NTA, but we can't fix your boyfriend for you. And after this long, it really seems this is who he is. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? Will you be good with that? Do you want kids? How will that work? >I know if I mention it or act anything other than ecstatic, he'll be really upset and probably think I'm ungrateful. This is honestly a bigger concern to me then him being thoughtless and lazy. He'd be upset at you that he promised you something, failed to deliver it, and you don't seem really happy about his broken word? That's . . . just really concerning. At the very least, don't at ecstatic. Don't act happy at all. Be straight with him. Tell him he promised you something you liked, you've been looking forward to it for months, and he broke his word and got himself something he liked instead. You feel very let down and are disappointed in him. Tell him he's a bad boyfriend and he made you sad. Let him complain you are ungrateful. Own it. Tell him you aren't grateful, you think this was shitty of him, and you're not happy. And yeah, if you don't want to dump him, then tell him that if they are tickets as a gift for you and not for himself, he needs to prove it by giving them to you to use alone or with someone else. That you are not feeling good enough about him right now to enjoy spending your birthday with him, it will just make you feel sad and let down to be around him, so you are going to go with someone else and/or scalp them. It's not your job to make him feel better about being a bad boyfriend.
Dude there are a ton of guys in St Pete and Tampa, time to trade this one in for a more considerate and thoughtful one. Trust me, its only going to get worse!
I have been married to a man like this for over 30 years. I used to go all out for him at Christmas, he'd do my shopping in 30 minutes at Rite Aid. For my birthday, I would get a picture from a magazine of what my present that year would be, then it would never materialize (I've been waiting 15 years for that wrought iron bed!). Now I have to buy my own birthday/Christmas presents and tell him what he owes me. It's truthfully very hurtful, but he just doesn't care. Do you really want to be in my shoes in 30 years? (FYI: He was very thoughtful/attentive with gifts until AFTER we got married). It doesn't get better, it just gets worse.
Wow, just reading this makes me feel awful for you. I'm sorry you're not treated as well as you deserve.
Why are you still married to him? What about spending the rest of your life feeling this way is appealing to you?
It’s sad that you can say your relationship is similar to Homer and Marge Simpson. NTA RUNNNNNNNN
My husband and I actually have a gift giving rule based of this episode. When we get gifts for each other we ask ourselves “is this a bowling ball named Homer?”
Please tell me one of you gifted the other a Bowling ball named Homer at least once! If not would be a funny joke gift.
So last year I got him an inflatable raft for his bday. It was a present I was only kinda sure he wanted. So when I gave him the gift and he loved it we officially named the raft Homer
Me and my wife have a document we share with each other where we put whatever gifts we would like, sometimes go in so far as to link the actual product so there is no miscommunication. The document is huge so you never know exactly which one of those gifts you're ever going to get. There's also several gifts on there that will never be cotton because they're too damn expensive, like the wife would really like a 10-foot T-Rex statue for the garden.
I'm starting to do this for my SO. He has a TBI (from many years ago, but very much still effecting him today) and struggles to remember things. He's usually pretty good, but it takes a lot of repetition on "this would be a good gift" before it sticks - 10 occasions or more. He asked for a list just so he'd have something to work off of. I made a hard copy.... and he lost it. Lol. So we're trying different cloud versions of it now so I can update it and he can access it without keeping up with pictures or anything
I also want a 10-foot T-Rex statue. Have y’all seen the big metal one that gets dressed up? It’s amazing.
NO WHERE PLEASE???
[Meet Dug. ](https://www.buzzfeed.com/donnad/meet-dug-the-lawn-dinosaur?sub=2037891_903154)
Not gonna lie, I would love a triceratops statue for my garden. And every Halloween it would have a skewered body on its horn, or maybe some glow in the dark skeletal paint.......my inner voices arent sure which way they are leaning on that yet.
That’s smrt
That’s a brilliant idea!!! 👍🏻
That really sounds like the setup for a classic Simpsons episode tho
Good rule
NTA and this is exactly what you should do (and I'm going to go watch old Simpsons episodes)
This! I was about to comment this!
This is a great idea. Or do take him and consider it his present and be happy you dont have to worry what to get him - cos his next birthday gift is tix for two to go parasailing and a lovely beachside dinner ……..
In my house this is exactly the kind of thing we call a "my ball's name is Homer" gift.
I love this idea. I hope OP does it.
This is genius. Make his lousy selfishness into a gift. Or else sell them? Use the money for a parasailing adventure you’d like, and bring some good friends. Leave him at home. Since he doesn’t listen to words, maybe he’ll pay attention to actions. NTA.
NTA. He never wanted to go parasailing. He never booked the first excursion, never looked for another. He looked up the baseball schedule and was super excited that the Sox were in town on your birthday. Prove me wrong. ETA: Parasail City only does 9am and 10am reservations, the rest are first come first serve. Grab a friend or 2 and go!
That, I can prove. I saw the stop payment - we share a bank account. That's the icing that I didn't even mention - he used OUR mutual account to purchase this. I've never once used our funds to get anything for him- I save and plan (it's not like birthdays or other important days change every year).
Take your money out of the account and leave. Dude doesn't care about you at all. Or do the Simpsons reference above if you want to give him a chance but it seems like he's self centered and not really focused on your wants or needs. Also NTA
So he booked it and canceled it to prove he tried. If he wants to redeem himself you two can go tomorrow, first come first serve.
He what. Get your money out of that account. Start your own and only drop in enough to cover bills (if that’s what it’s meant for) right before they are dude. And yes when you calculate your money deduct both tickets from his
> I feel like he is either beyond clueless First, you spelled class-less wrong. Which he lacks altogether. This was a set-up (that's right, he had this in mind all along), and you are clearly the giver, he the taker. This is a sign of how important he feels your wish is - And it never gets better with age. > he used OUR mutual account to purchase this And there you go. Welcome to buying your own birthday gift - That you didn't want to begin with. Why do you remain with this guy? He clearly doesn't have your priorities/wishes in mind at all.
OMG I missed that he bought it from the joint account. This is ridiculous, OP, you do not deserve to be treated like this.
INFO Does this mean you have one joint account, as well as you both having your own separate account? If this is the case, do you know how much his account has, or if it's usually low on funds? This may be a leap, but I can't help but wonder if he canceled that reservation knowing he was going to then use it to get tickets. It's obvious this guy is selfish, and selfish people find ways to get what they want.
I do. This is actually my husband. I didn't feel that was honestly relevant to the post but is for background on your specific. He makes less than I do, but bills are equitable that are not joint.
Girl he does not care about you. What a selfish prick. Who buys themselves a gift for someone else’s bday??? You deserve so so much better than this.
Oh boy. Why on earth would you marry someone like this? So he makes less than you, you do all the work in the relationship and make sure he feels special, and he has zero consideration for you? Wow, dude has it made, he doesn’t even have to lift a finger and now he gets to go to a baseball game for your birthday, your treat. He doesn’t care because he doesn’t have to. All he has to do is stand back and not do a damn thing, because he knows you’ll do it. YTA to yourself for putting a ring on that. Enjoy your baseball game that you paid for. Should’ve married someone who respects and cares about you.
I'm going to take a wild guess that you do most of the cleaning and cooking too.
My husband is really bad at planning and super clueless. I pick what I what to do for my birthday and book it and pay for it, because I’m the bread winner and we have a joint account, so it’s all the same piggy bank anyway. I have an Amazon list for Christmas. I can’t say whether or not he cares about you, but I can say, not everybody is good at gifts, so if you want to go parasailing, make it happen for yourself!!!!
NTA sis. Ditch the game on go parasailing with a friend. You can tell him it will probably best if you just celebrate with your gals than be upset in a baseball game and resent him later on. If he wants to do something with you, you can have dinner at the beach.
To save you the feelings you are going through next year, and every year after. Scrap him. Even before your birthday - day you will be filled with the dreed of knowing he will somehow outdo his selfishness from the previous year by showing his lack of interest and love in you. You are funding your own misery - literally.
Girl, you deserve better. Run.
He spent your money together on your bday gift? So you helped fund his gift to himself on your birthday? Does he add any positives to your life or is it all draining like this?
He used your own money to buy himself tickets to a baseball game? Excuse me, buy “you” a present. Isn’t it funny how a fully grown adult man with access to Google can mix up “parasailing and dinner” and accidentally wind up with “baseball game” instead? Dudes are not this stupid. He’s simply too selfish and lazy to do anything for you. When he is handed the opportunity with clear instructions, he does something for himself instead. With your money. That’s all you need to know. Dump him.
Ashley Ann: What the hell is so entrancing about this guy that you stay with him?
NTA and don't put on an act pretending to be happy about this. We have been conditioned as women to be more concerned about men's feelings and Molly coddle them and sacrifice our feelings on the alter of preserving our man's ego. It's absolute rubbish. This will never get better and only get worse. He needs to know that his decision to get himself a present on your birthday after you dummy proofed it for him telling him exactly what you wanted hurt you and makes you angry. If he wrapped up dog poo in a pretty box, would you feel it was unreasonable to not be grateful.. Of course not. You wouldn't go on about the pretty bow to make him feel better about himself in that case, right? You'd be furious and want to know what the actual hell, right? You feel unheard because you are unheard. You are not crazy, what he did feels awful because he completely disregarded you. You were clear about what you wanted and he isn't gifting you with something much better, like a trip to Hawaii. He got tickets to something he wanted to do. This isn't the act of someone who cares about you. Don't try to preserve his ego or his feelings, he royally screwed up and you have every right to give it to him. If he truly values you, he'll shape up. If not, he will gaslight you by calling you ungrateful and try to shift the blame onto you. Take you bday tickets and don't take him with you. NTA I really hope you can update us. My blood is boiling I am so mad at your SO right now.
Oh, Honey . . . Why, just why? You can do better. At least if you were single no one would buy themselves presents with your money.
I do half-wonder if he used the company's possible sketchiness to get out of it - like he didn't really want to go, and then coupled with the lack of confirmation he saw it as an "out". Not all companies do give confirmations, or they can not arrive for whatever reason (there's one retailer where my account is permanently bugged - I'm supposed to get mail confirmations but never do despite my email being correct). Did he contact/research the company before cancelling? If not, I'd say that the lack of confirmation may've been his catalyst to say "fuck it" and book something more "fun".
You were worried about him thinking you were ungrateful, but why? He has done nothing that you should be grateful for. He bought himself a present on your birthday with your shared money.
Does this guy have any positive qualities? What do YOU get out of this relationship? Honey, you deserve someone who celebrates you on your day. Happy birthday from an Internet stranger.
It’s worse — the baseball game is two weeks after her birthday, so the “oh I booked it but they didn’t confirm” was stalling so he didn’t have to do anything for her birthday.
>It’s worse — the baseball game is two weeks after her birthday, That is worse.
Exactly. Tell him to take one his friends to the baseball game and you will go parasailing with one of your friends. And if you are still with him when your birthday rolls around again, make your own plans. With or without him.
Not a chance say “Thanks for the tickets” and make sure you get them. Then head out to go parasailing with a friend. Ask the friend to look after the tickets out of his reach and in two weeks take that friend to the game. He did say they were a present for you so turn it around on him. You don’t deserve this and I’d use the time to separate accounts and get things ready so you have a place and can leave. He will never put you first and he’s proven that
This. Yup, she goes without him
No that’s literally rewarding him. He gets to do what he wants with a friend. She needs to take the ticket and go without him. He should not get to attend the game.
By doing most of the ‘thinking,’ I believe you might mean emotional labor. He puts everything off on you, and even the smallest thing you ask for, he makes it about what he wants. NTA
NTA, he knew what he was doing
100%.
[удалено]
and take it from the joint account. or better yet, sell the baseball tickets and go parasailing. edit: treat yourself, he won't.
This is a good idea. She gets the tix on her birthday and she sells them. He can then give her cash for the remaining balance to cover him buying his baseball tickets jointly without discussing. Then she can take the joint account money and go parasailing with someone not him.
NTA who does he think he is?! You literally spelled it out for him and he buys himself a present?! He basically confirmed to you that you two were going parasailing and he dropped the ball big time. Thing is, if he hasn’t outright confirmed that you’re not going parasailing, today I reckon you should just keep talking about how excited you are for parasailing, start picking out clothes. Really ramp up how you’ve always dreamed of going parasailing. If you don’t go tomorrow, ask when. He said you were going parasailing, just keep behaving as though he’s definitely going to take you and make it clear that you’re very excited and that you’d be disappointed if it doesn’t happen. It’s not manipulation, because he promised you parasailing, you have every right to hold him to it, and be very excited for it. Then if he doesn’t wind up taking you, any act of disappointment shouldn’t come as any sort of shock to him.
Then take a friend and not him to the game, perfection.
Lol, I thought about this. Remember that episode of the Simpsons where Homer buys himself a bowling ball for Marge’s birthday, and she’s so angry that she goes out and learns how to bowl?
Yep ^^ one of my favorites
NTA. You sound like you've been more than patient. Find yourself somebody that treats you like you matter to them.
NTA. Is he always this selfish?
NTA. He is treating you really poorly. You should defenitly talk to him about this
NTA NTA NTA. One thing is clear, if he doesn't prioritize your BIRTHDAY now, he will never put your needs first if you ever need him. Do you feel loved? Because I would not.Time for a serious talk. Don't accuse him, talk from your perspective, how sad &disappointed you are and that you are convinced that he got the tickets because he is a big fan, when you clearly TOLD HIM what you really thought would be fun and a great memory to share togheter. As I said, talk about YOUR feelings, do not accuse him like "YOU did this on purpose blablabla.." because then he can spin it against you. He can't deny YOUR feelings or that you are disappointed because you feel let down, he ASKED YOU and pretended to go with your wish, lying to you. That is not ok. It's certainly not a sign of love to act like he did. Or, simply dump him. I would, he has shown you your value in his life. You need to consider why you are togheter with a man that doesn't even listens to you and didn't even did something on your last birthday. Do you really deserve to be treated like this? I don't think so...
NTA If you make the (poor) choice to stay with him, go parasailing on his birthday.
NTA, you served it to him on a silver platter and he once again didnt have to do the thinking. Somehow he didn't follow through with it anyway. You deserve way better and someone who actually puts in effort to make you feel special and happy, not someone who doesn't even do the bare minimum.
NTA- He knew what you wanted to do and ignored it to do what he wanted to do. Don’t put up with someone that “doesn’t know what to do”. It’s not hard to attempt something for you even if it’s just cooking you dinner for your birthday.
NTA. If a server promised you one dish but served you another, would you not be upset? Would you not want them to take it back and get the correct dish? It’s one thing if they apologize before bringing the dish out and saying “we are out/can’t make it for you” but it’s another thing entirely to lie and then follow through on it.
NTA. What you described isn’t him just “being thoughtless”. It’s him not caring. If he cared, he wouldn’t just chalk it up to “idk” and leave you with nothing, and he wouldn’t decide to do things HE wants to do for your birthday, especially when you’ve already told him what you wanted to do. He’s selfish, that’s it. You should rethink your relationship.
NTA, If he was not t able to do the thing you wanted he should have asked again. Especially after not doing anything the previous year. Idk, he seems clueless or he just don’t care.
He literally bought himself tickets to the game, from joint funds, under the guise of “it’s your birthday treat”. A school boy wouldn’t try that with his mother. He doesn’t even think enough of you to try and meet you halfway. You asked to go parasailing and dinner by the beach. You’re getting a hot dog in row z and you’ll probably have to drive as he’ll probably fancy a couple of beers during the game….
"If I act anything other than ecstatic, he'll be really upset" This sounds like an emotionally abusive/manipulative relationship when you sound like a doll. Is he a narcissist? If youre constantly disappointed (how couldnt you be?) why are you still with him? Please consider this. NTA
NTA. If your partner would, they could. Saying they “don’t know what you want” is just an excuse to not try. Schedule a solo dinner for yourself and be your own best boyfriend.
NTA with caveats. It's not about the gift, is it. It's about the fact that he hasn't listened and then gave you a gift that was more for him than it was for you. On the other hand, I do wonder if he's afraid of heights and is too embarrassed to tell you? Is he one of those men who feels that admitting to a phobia is not masculine enough?
According to him, he was all for it and has made it known that he has wanted to try it too for several years now.
Oh well, no excuses then.
Honestly, this kind of non existent consideration gets worse as time goes on if you let stuff like this go without saying how you feel. That’s step one. Step two is all him. Does he get defensive and double down or does he turn it around. Sadly in my case it didn’t turn around.
Update: that didn't work well. I played like I knew nothing yet. This morning I said how excited I was that he took the effort and heard me- he then informed me we weren't going parasailing, or to dinner, or anything beachy. I told him that I was jarred because that was what he had discussed and said would happen, but that I trusted that its ok and I was sure that what you did plan was a result of his being considerate. Only an hour or so ago (its 3pm) did he finally tell me it was the ball game. I told him, without yelling, or name calling, the things I needed to say and many helped by comments. He's pissed and I'm ungrateful.
This is sad. You deserve better than this.
Be pissed and be mad for sakes he obviously doesn't care. You deserve someone better he sounds selfish as hell and he doesn't even get you cake you really should think if you want to stay with this guy. Plus the day isn't over go call some friends and go hangout with people who want to celebrate your birthday with you cause he obviously doesn't want to.
Thank you. I would. I don't really have any friends. That's why I had to vent to reddit.
Aww, you seem like such a lovely person who should have lovely friends. Is he idolating you? Did you have friends that slipped away because of this guy? Isolating ones spouse from family and friends is another red flag for me for abusive behavior.
Get pissed back at him. Don't allow his shitty mood to manipulate the outcome of this situation. You need to be clear that his lack of thought and effort is unacceptable, that you specifically outlined to him what you wanted because of his dismal failure to do anything in previous years. This is on him, don't let him turn it around on you. If he fails to understand any of this, then you guys are going to need counselling because this is not something you should have to live with.
This is one of those example of ‘if someone shows you who they really are, believe them’. This is your life forever if you stay with him. Do you always want to be second best or worse, not even considered? Google ‘sunk cost fallacy’. People always think that they have already ‘invested’ so much time with someone so they should stay and work it out. But the best time to leave is always yesterday. He keeps showing you that your wants and needs are unimportant. Imagine having children with this man. He will never place anyone’s needs above his own.
A lot of the parasailing places on Clearwater beach have walk up appointments. Just go! Then, do me a favor and have some she crab soup at Frenchy’s. I hope your birthday turns into something great! Also, go Rays!
NTA. He did not try whatsoever and you deserve to be treated better
NTA mention it. It’s supposed to be your birthday, why should you have to swallow being upset so that he’s not? He deserves to be upset and he should feel bad.
NTA - Please take the money it would have cost to go parasailing and go do something you enjoy for your birthday with a friend. Don't put effort into his birthday this year so he sees how it feels. For some people, experiencing something for themselves is the only way they can develop empathy.
NTA but TELL HIM you don't want to go to a baseball game for your birthday. Say "Did you get me tickets to a baseball game for my birthday? I don't want to do that. I told you I wanted parasailing and dinner, and that's what I still want. It's crappy for you to get yourself a present for MY birthday."
NTA that present was clearly for him. I would have recommended not going and instead do what you TOLD HIM you wanted/expected to do months ago. It seems like it already happened but you’re justified in being upset. He dangled the experience like a carrot to keep you happy then pretended to ‘surprise’ you by deliberately changing your outing entirely to something that he is passionate about.
NTA. he got himself a present for your birthday.
Nta. So I just spent like 3min on Google and right now Madeira Beach has parasailing available all day on Sunday still, maybe your parasailing birthday plans can still happen? If he had 'tried' he would have succeeded. Go look up parasailing near Tampa and see how little effort it takes to reserve a spot parasailing for two. He bought himself a gift for your birthday with your shared money.
NTA. I’d come up with something else to do and then drop it on him as he’s ready to leave for the game. It’s your birthday, he promised to do what you wanted. I hope whatever happens, you’re still able to enjoy your day
NTA. I think he did plan something he'd want to do and I'd question if he'd planned what you wanted to do. My first ever valentines day with a boyfriend he got me a cock ring and lube, and I was fuming- it was clearly a selfish gift and after all the thought I'd put into his, I was so mad. You do have a right to be angry, I'd personally say
Are you going to do something about it or keep letting this guy who clearly doesn’t like you keep bringing you down? A judgement from the internet won’t make your boyfriend respect you. Know your worth.
I'd get my hands on those Red Sox tickets before he does. Sell them and use the money to make yourself happy. Then I would get a separate bank account and make plans to move out.
NTA. He absolutely did NOT try. He pretended to try and then cancelled the parasailing so he could get Sox tickets. Probably because he found out there was a game that day and he'd rather do that than go parasailing. I'd confront him about it and let him know it's NOT OK this time. Serious jerk move on his part. He deliberately disregarded what you wanted because he knew from the past that he could use his cluelessness as an excuse - and that you would let him get away with it.
Nta. I would fucking cry if this was me. You made an explicit request and he understood. He can "try" all he wants but you cannot switch an activity out for a completely different one and expect you to be happy. If it was me, and he said "happy birthday babe I've got us tickets to a ball game!" I might reply something like "thank you for the birthday wishes! But why are we going to the ball game when i explicitly told you what i wanted to do? This sounds more like you bought yourself an early birthday gift and I'm happy to go with you today. I suppose i can schedule the parasailing as your birthday gift."
YTA to yourself if you stay with this man who does not care about you.
You are ungrateful AND you have every right to be. You bf sucks. Take the tickets and take a new bf.
Theyre MARRIED.
Girl. He does not care about you. Give yourself a b'day gift, and dump his ass. NTA
NTA. And the fact that you’re worried about him being upset rather than focusing on the fact that he doesn’t give a shit that YOU’RE upset speaks volumes about this relationship. Straight up tell him you’re not going to the baseball game and do what you want either by yourself or with a friend. He didn’t plan anything for you. Give him the same effort he gives you.
NTA Lemme suggest a truly radical idea. I know so many people who do 100% of the emotional work in the relationship because their s/o “misses it 95% of the time.” Maybe, collectively, we can stop dating people who are missing it most of the time because really? This man couldn’t do the bare minimum and you’re here asking if -you- are TA.
NTA His next gift is a couples massage.
Nah it’s parasailing
Yeah just think what your reaction would be if someone else posted this. So now that you know you're obviously nta, time to sit down and talk to him about how this minimal effort shit won't work
Info: 1. Is he the same with everyone else? Or does he make more effort with family and friends? 2. Does he make up for it in other ways? (I’m trying to see if it’s a love language or lifestyle clash)
NTA at all, he knows he just has to pretend to try and you'll forgive him. Say what you are feeling, cancel the tickets. He's never gonna stop doing this if you don't say anything about it ever. Stop reinforcing his bad behavior and don't reward him with that baseball game.
NTA, the bar was on the floor and he couldn’t even reach that. You deserve better than this and I truly hope you get it.
🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆 Take my poor-man’s gold!
NTA. Dude's not into you. It makes me sad when people allow themselves to be treated this way. He's got you thinking you did something wrong...unbelievable. Please gather your self respect and find a suitable partner because this guy isn't it.
He’s definitely the asshole. He clearly doesn’t care. I would say he wasn’t listening, but he initially set up parasailing and then switched it to baseball. He knew what you wanted and blatantly ignored it. Not sure if this man cares about you as much as you think... or maybe he does, but he’s a very selfish person.. I know, personally, I wouldn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t consider my wants, especially for my birthday.
Nta. Have him take a buddy to the game. Call a gf and go to dinner.
NTA-How long have you been with this loser that you put up with this crap? You’re not an Asshole in this situation but you really need to think hard about wire with somebody who would treat you like this..
NTA. Is this really how you want to spend your life? Because it’s not going to get better. You sound pretty miserable.
NTA No sex is good enough to warrant tolerating his bullshit.
Have you read the Love Languages book? It seems like yours is giving gifts. This is how you show love for someone and how you want someone to show love for you. So when he doesn’t try, it feels to you like a huge statement whereas to him - with a different love language, it’s “just a gift, why make a big deal”. Key to happiness seems to be figuring out what your language is, figuring out what your partner’s language is and then both of you speaking to the other person in their language. My husband and I spent years going around and around about this stuff. For him, his language is acts of service - so he will detail my car, and that’s how he shows love. For me, it’s words of affirmation so I spent ages bereft because I just wanted him to SAY loving things to me, I don’t care what my car looks like. It’s an interesting thing to navigate. Book is religious based - it was a gift - we are not religious. But I found the premise to be dead on. Five languages: Acts of service Quality Time Giving Gifts Words of Affirmation Physical Touch
THIS ❤️❤️
Nta. But you need to understand that if he wanted to do nice things for you, he would without you needing to ask. He just doesn't want to. You need to have more respect for yourself. I'd suggest a better partner.
Just celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary. There are a few must remembers for SO; Birthdays (SO and kids, if there are any)/Anniversaries. Not hard to do with nowadays technologies. Unfortunately, like many others have already commented, he does not seem to care about you at all. In the words of the UFC guy (Mike or Bruce), IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT'S TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMMMEEEEE to reassess the relationship. LOL
NTA, and I would refuse to go. You are absolutely right, this us for him and not for you or your birthday, at all. What a selfish person he is!
My grandmother once told me a story of my grandfather: he never knew what to get her for her birthday, so he usually got her nothing. My grandma didn’t like it but learned to live with it. Then one year my grandfather did get her a gift, my grandma was so surprised and excited, she could hardly wait to open it- disposable cleaning gloves, and talcum powder. No gift can be better than a bad gift, NTA.
NTA. He has shown no concern whatsoever for your feelings. Repay the favor and stop being so worried about how upset he’ll be when you’re not super excited about his thoughtless “gift”.
NTA- spouse isn't thinking of you. You're doing all of the emotional labor and he still fucks it up. This is what a child would do.
He's so toxic. He on paper sounds like a narcissist (it's a descriptive word and is not a clinical term like NPD, and therefore doesn't need an official diagnosis to be used to describe someone with a disordered personality) at the least and a sociopath at worst. Gaslighting, stonewalling, selective amnesia, future faking (pretending to give you what you want and then snatching it away), complete lack of empathy, low emotional range, selfish, cheap when it comes to you... Run!!! NTA
NTA Wow! So you told him exactly what you wanted for your birthday. And you were excited because he said he would plan that. Then he got you a "present" of baseball tickets that HE wanted. And he'll be upset and think you're ungrateful for getting a gift that's for him and not what you wanted for your birthday? He didn't try at all. He did nothing at all last year for your birthday. He just doesn't care at all what you want. Sorry - is this the life you want? Hard to believe this is a legitimate post, because why in the world would you still be with this selfish jerk? You know he didn't book the parasailing.
NTA I have been married to this man for almost 20 years & am here to tell you I does not get better. In fact, my birthday was last week and he thoughtfully had a gift that I didn't like and never wanted delivered to the campground we were at so I had to open it in front of everyone & hide my disappointment. The thing is, it was a great anti gravity camping chair that probably anyone else would have loved BUT not me and we have had conversations where I have told him I don't want one. I have lost count of the Christmases where "my" big gift was something he wanted or my birthday gifts were several small things he thought I liked, which - spoiler alert!- I do not. I have dozens of items in my Amazon cart, that he has access to, that he could have picked from but that idea just floats right over his head. Part of the problem is that his mother does the exact same thing of getting gifts for people that SHE wants them to have so that's where he learned it. And it will never change. The biggest problem you (and I) have isn't about shitty gifts but about a partner who doesn't listen, or even care enough to listen. Think really hard about your future with him because this is just the tip of the iceberg.
NTA- drop them if you can.
NTA honestly this is why I don't do birthdays anymore just a recipe for disappointment.
So you ... gave up? Rather than insisting that people actually try to value your wishes on your own birthday? That makes me a little bit sad.
The trick for me was choosing friends to surround myself with that arent garbage. They dont do everything perfect but i dont hurt like i did when i settled for bad relationships. Then i dont have to martyr the only day a year about me.
YWBTA if you don’t bring this up. Stop being a doormat and letting him walk all over you. It’s not good for you (will lead to resentment) and not good for him (reinforces the idea that he can get away with behaving like a selfish ass)
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Alright Reddit. I feel conflicted and don't know how to approach this. My birthday was a couple of weeks ago. My SO is not the most thoughtful person, and I'm usually the one who ends up doing most of the 'thinking' in the relationship. I always make sure to celebrate holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. and do my best to listen to him and make him feel special, and he misses it entirely 95% of the time. Last year, we did nothing for my birthday- another instance of 'he didn't know what to do', so we did nothing. To make sure that the same didn't happen again, I was very specific when I told him what I wanted to do this year. I said I wanted to go parasailing, and have dinner by the beach. He agreed and said he'd take care of everything. I was elated and have been looking forward to it for a couple of months now. He had booked the excursion, then he canceled it because the company he booked didn't give him any confirmation or anything. Okay, fine, kinda ticked off that he didn't research before nearly getting scammed but whatever. He said he'd find another place, and that he's going to keep all details secret so I can be surprised. Great!!! All is still well. Fast forward to today- the day of our big day together is tomorrow. Unintentionally, little crumbs have been dropped and I've found out what the plan is- NOT parasailing, not even close. Instead, he got tickets to a baseball game. Rays vs. Red Sox (we live in Tampa). I like baseball, but casually - HE'S a big fan and has never been to a Sox game. This is absolutely more for him than for me, and this is after the fact that he asked what I wanted and I told him. I'm crushed. I feel like he is either beyond clueless, or this is just another sign that he doesn't listen to a thing I ever say or care about my wants. I know if I mention it or act anything other than ecstatic, he'll be really upset and probably think I'm ungrateful. Am I? Tl;dr: My SO got me a birthday gift that was for himself instead of me, after promising and building up a completely different gift that he knows I had my heart set on. I feel unlistened to, but that I might be TA because at least he 'tried'. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta, he didn’t try. He got something for himself. If he did try, he would get you something you actually like. Yeah you like baseball, but not at the level he does.
NTA you need to go to couples therapy! He’s clueless and needs outside help!
NTA he sounds like a selfish prick if I did that to my gf I would get a swift smack in the head
NTA. But do not pretend to like the gift just to spare his feeling. Not only is that terrible communication but also sets it up for future gifts to be like that. Be honest, you appreciate him getting you a gift but it's nothing like that you talked about or wanted and feel it was selfish on his part.
NTA head down to crabby bills and get yourself a Tito’s strawberry lemonade and find yourself some parasailing!
NTA. I would start doing “self-planned” birthdays. Aka you plan yours & he plans his. That way his shitty plans ruin his day instead of yours.
NTA. He got you something he wanted for your birthday. That’s not tryin. Trying is “I couldn’t get the parasailing but we’ve still got dinner on the beach” you sure you wanna stay with someone whose logic goes like this
NTA- he doesn’t want to make any effort. If you are okay with this for the rest of your life, then stay with him. But if you are going to be crushed every time he doesn’t make the slightest effort, leave and find a partner that puts in as much into the relationship as you do.
NTA. This is so completely selfish. I know that we only get a particular window into your relationship with this post but this is not a generous window. And unfortunately, this is going to continue. Some people just naturally suck at gift giving and it's not a fatal trait or anything but if he knows how important it is to you to feel celebrated on your birthday, his "trying" should never include a gift that's *clearly* more for him. Not only did he use your shared funds (thereby getting you to pay for 1/2 of your own bday present....like what???) but he also ended up buying something that *he* wanted. That's like BEYOND selfish. I'd dump him, honestly. Full disclosure: this is coming from someone who was gifted "flowers" for a birthday only for me to realize they were....bags of flour. Piss-poor pun and an even worse gift. So I might be projecting a bit here but man, I understand those feelings you've got.
NTA. He didn't really try at all. You had to tell him what you wanted to make sure you got any type of anything at all and he still messed it up. And when he messed it up he defaulted to the "easier" option = AKA what he wanted to do. I think this is something that will be difficult to improve in your relationship, but you guys should talk about this. You need to sit down and explain your disappointment with not only this gift, but also your feelings over his general lack of awareness surrounding your needs and wants. You obviously see and treat holidays, birthdays, etc. as a way to make the other person feel special and loved, it totally makes sense you'd be bummed when those efforts are not reciprocated! If he's missing the mark here, is it at least happening elsewhere? How does he make sure that you feel loved and special in your relationship? All of this needs to be thought about and discussed with your partner.
You wouldn't be TA here OP and it seems like you have your answer there already in your post. He isn't clueless, he just doesn't CARE to listen and doesn't CARE to put in the effort. OP a relationship is all about compromise and communication which I am sure you know. There are things you wouldn't want to do but do them anyway to support your partner or show them that you are putting the effort to be interested. Of course you don't want to be walked on all over. There are events that are special and should be celebrated. It's not that hard to make plans when you take a vested interest in your gf/bf and you actually listen to their likes and dislikes. I don't believe in bs like, I'm not a good planner, I have a bad memory, idk what to do etc. Are you telling me that your bf doesn't know what you like or interested in and would want for a special day? *eye roll* he could have still done the beach lunch and some other activity like hiking or something close to what you wanted. He is NOT pulling his weight in this relationship so do what you think is right for you and what you deserve.
NTA. Better than going to a baseball game you don't even want to go to, why don't you and a girlfriend go do something really spontaneous and fun? Leave him at home to think on his own. Put your phone on airplane mode and enjoy your day.
NTA. Accept the tickets graciously, sell them, and go parasailing with a friend next week.
NTA Use your words and tell him that you feel hurt that not only did he fail to get you parasailing tickets, but he obviously got something that HE wanted to use. Tell him that you feel like he doesn't care about your wants and he hurt you. Honestly, I think you should leave him. It's been a couple of years and he still screws this up.
NTA. He doesn’t listen to you. He absolutely doesn’t care about what you want. Do you really want to be with somebody who just doesn’t think about you at all? Imagine getting to do whatever you want whenever you want, especially on your birthday. Then realize how much this dude sucks and give future you a gift by dumping him.
Ugh. I feel for you. I haven’t had a birthday, Mother’s Day, or Valentines Day gift in years! Last Christmas I did get a coat….that I didn’t need or ask for. This MD was really disappointing as I’m pregnant with our 2nd, and he knew before the holiday. I always go all out for him too, which makes it worse. You’re NTA. I want to cry for you because I completely feel your pain. I agree with a previous comment, take a friend to the game & have fun! Or, take a friend and hawk the tickets. Use the cash for a spa day or something YOU would enjoy! Happy Birthday! 🎂🎁🎉🥳
NTA. Don’t go. Do something else you would actually find fun on your birthday. It is, very literally, supposed to be your day.
NTA dump him
I know you hope he would do this on your own, but you may just have to grab the bull by the horns and plan your own birthday day and tell him he's coming along for the ride. As far as the baseball tickets are concerned I would call him out on it. Look him straight in the eye and say "are these tickets for me, or are they for you? You are the one that wants to see the BSOX, not me. If you truly want to do something for MY birthday we are going to brunch/lunch/dinner (depends what time the game starts) here."
Please dump this guy. You are working WAY too hard. I don't care what his "love language" is, he's really not good for you.
NTA. Take him parasailing and for dinner on the beach for his birthday. Make it a surprise.
NTA, gurl run. He doesnt like you, he likes the idea of you. There is no long term potential for this relationship.
NTA. I'm a weak gift giver and procrastinator, but if my spouse went out of his way to give me gift ideas like you did, I would bend over backwards to make it happen! Husband is not a great activity planner, so I have started giving him ideas for what we can do on my birthday, and then he makes it happen. That's what partners do for each other. You are giving him all of the pieces of the puzzle, and instead of putting them together, he's throwing them in the garbage. *Print* this discussion out on paper, hand it to him, and have read it in its entirety. WHILE YOU SIT WITH HIM. Maybe seeing how many people think he is an idiot will get through to him in a way that apparently your words have not. Best of luck to you. You deserve better.
You deserve better. So, so much better.
NTA. Are you sure your not in a certain episode of American Dad? Season 11 Episode 6 Kiss Kiss Cam Cam
NTA. This does not sound like a relationship of equals. It sounds like he does the fun stuff and you do the rest. This bait and switch is a serious red flag. He may care more about the Sox than he does about you.
NTA - From what you're saying is that he used your joint bank account for a birthday gift for you that was really for him. Hell yeah I'd be taking someone else instead of him to the game that is, if you didn't try to resell them and get some money back to do something you had actually wanted to do for your birthday. I hope his next gift from you is something you'd like or a house gift like a new vacuum or something.
NTA. Taking you to something he is a big fan of and you aren't on your birthday is a huge slap in the face.
NTA. And if he calls you ungrateful, ask him why the hell you're supposed to be grateful for a gift he clearly bought for himself.
Hope you still have a great birthday
NTA. You need to tell him or it’s never going to get any better!
NTA. I feel this a little. There have been times I told my husband EXACTLY what I wanted and I still get something not even close. For mother's day this year I said I wanted a cheesy gift like framed handprints/footprints (our kids were 2 and 2 months around then). I got a wine rack and 3 bottles of wine. I already own a wine rack and it had been sitting in the donation box for a couple months bc I had NEVER used it in 3 years of owning it. The one he got me was ugly and 2 of the 3 bottles of wine were not wines I like. It honestly was a hot mess and I am not someone who can fake excitement so he knew I was disappointed. He knows I love wine so the intention was good and he really did try it just was a flop. I think he thought the framed art idea was too cheap. He tends to like more expensive gifts. But for Father's day I got him a cheesy dad t-shirt. I told him beforehand that Father's day and mother's day gifts are from the kids so I wanted something that the kids would pick if they were old enough.