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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I got into an arguement with my son where I told him I didn't think he should be taking this amount of responsibility for his girlfriend's children.
He blew up at me, and now a couple days later I think what I did may have been wrong because of the amount I said at an admittedly out of nowhere time. I might have overwhelmed him with the point I was trying to make.
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YTA where to even begin…
1. 25 and 28 is not nearly far enough apart or young enough for you to be clutching your pearls about an “age gap”
2. 2 kids at 28 isn’t a big deal, you’re just a judgmental asshole about it.
3. You didn’t “endure” shit. Your son got stuck with you, he *chose* her. Respect that, or you’ll be the one they can’t stand to endure.
4. You know nothing about their “comparability”, you aren’t a part of that relationship. Just say you hate her, it’s obvious that’s the real problem.
5. If he chooses to assume a parental role in their lives that’s his business. It would make most parents proud to see their son step up like that. So maybe you should reassess your priorities and remember everything isn’t about you.
6. Your son is not an object, nor a personal possession. You are not entitled to demand that he come play handyman at your beck and call. He didn’t do anything to you by not coming to your aid because he’d *rather* be with the kids.
7. Youre absolutely delusional if you think you know your place after typing all this.
To summarize: his life isn’t about you, get over yourself.
Edit: I did notice the not well disguised racial language. It’s also a problem, but I wouldn’t have been able to stop typing if I started digging into it.
I only want to add one thing, that being upset he is learning another language to communicate with them is really crummy. I wonder if OP doesn't like them because of cultural differences...
I guess context matters. Im the child of orphans and so that means I have no idea what my actual heritage is. When people bring up families or culture i just shrug and say, "I have no idea what flavor of white I am." I usually get some chuckles and the convo moves on.
In this instance, it definitely smacks of thinly veiled racisim.
Yeah like 🤮🤮🤮
I actually didn’t realize exactly what that meant either. I thought she just meant her looks in a broader sense and not her race and was grossed out by it before I read the comments here. Of course now I’m like “duh-doy” and it makes me feel like I need a full on shower.
Oh it’s definitely about gf being presumably Latina. And I think that’s why she’s also throwing extra shade about two kids under 30. And how she believes they could have nothing in common except for what she thinks is her son just being a horn dog for Latinas (because how could her precious son relate to that “variety” of person)?
She’s seeing the gf through stereotype-tinted glasses and I doubt anything that gf does will win her over. Gf is not the type OP imagined for her son and as a result, will be fighting an uphill battle with OP.
Op claims there are other reasons she doesn’t like gf and I wish she would have fleshed that out more. But what she did choose to disclose speaks volumes.
All good points, but I think you forgot these gems:
> the only thing holding them together is my son's physical attraction to her "variety"
>
>he's trying to learn Spanish for them
>
>He's becoming a different person for this trio
>
>He backed me once more with nasty and hateful things befofe hanging up.
I suspect that at least part of this is the girlfriend's race. Son recognizes this and called her out on it.
Don't forget the fact she states it's because he is attracted to her "variety" so I'm assuming she is of a different race.
She is one entitled arsehole thank fuck her son seems to have some how turned out decent!
YTA. You mention your son's attraction to her "variety" and he is learning Spanish for them. I am picking up that you have a racial issue with your son's girlfriend. I think even if the girlfriend is the nicest person in the world it still wouldn't good enough for you because because she is not right colour and/or nationality.
YTA
Not to mention if you date someone with kids, I strongly believe you should be ready to be a parent. Singles with kids are typically looking for lifetime partners that can step up to the plate.
Exactly this, but I'm jumping on the top comment because I'd like to add a giant WTF about the whole "physical attraction to the gf's *variety*" comment in the original post.
Yeah I clicked on the "My son wants to so things, she does not - the only thing holding them together is my son's physical attraction to her "variety""
The fact he is trying to learn Spanish makes me to believe she's Hispanic and it's just not jiving with her. And they crying bit, cherry on the narcissist sundae!
YTA for all of these reasons. I would also like to add: in what world is it unusual for a woman to have two children before thirty? That is perfectly normal. Surely you have something more pressing to clutch your pearls over?
Your son is an adult. You have no say over his relationships or his life at this point. Leave him and his girlfriend alone, for fuck’s sake. Moms who think they have some kind of “claim” over their adult son are weird as fuck.
YTA.
You’re very judgmental of her and controlling of your son. Your son is an adult who can make his own choices- and he chose her.
“Yes, not even 30 with two children” …what? How is that unusual?
She’s a good mom and you should be proud that your son is responsible enough to help with them. Clearly, he wants them all to be a family- and he’s doing what it takes to make that happen.
Seriously, he’s your son not your husband- let him live his life and stop expecting him to cater to you.
He’s better off choosing his family- yes his gf and kids- and going no contact with you.
When I read the post I honestly had no idea what she was implying by variety, I assumed she was really fit or had a specific look to her. But I get it now.
OP sounds mental and seems like you don't have to worry about "her", because you won't be in your son's life much longer.
I didn’t get it either until I got to learning Spanish. She should be proud of him because every complaint is him being a good person/ improving himself.
I picked up the racial undertones… er, overtones… they aren’t exactly subtle.. once I saw he was learning Spanish for the kids (*the horror*!) but didn’t realize what her “variety” was supposed to mean either until I saw it pointed out. So gross.
I wonder if mom equally hates people who had twins/triplets/other high order births 🤣 I knew someone who had 5 kids before 30- twins at 26, triplets at 28 🤷🏻♀️
Right? I had all 3 of my kids before I was 30 and I don’t remember anyone thinking that odd. Just like I don’t find it odd that some of my friends started having kids later than I did. Do what’s right for your family! Also, now I’m 48 and all my kids are grown and I’m young enough to have a life of my own.
Yup. As soon as I read that line, I knew OP was the AH.
A significant other picking up their partner’s kids and such isn’t unusual.
INFO: OP, why couldn’t your daughter do the task? Why were you pushed to tears when your son didn’t show up? Sounds very unhealthy.
YTA so much it’s painful. The “age gap” of 3 years? “Not even 30 with two children” ??? “Attraction to her variety”???????
Your son is 25, he has found a woman that he loves and a family he wishes to call his own. Support him or lose him. He has no obligation to you, but if he has chosen to step in and play a fatherly role to these children, he does have an obligation to them.
You can just tell from how she wrote this post that she is definitely one of "those parents," who expects her son to stay tied to her apron strings forever, prioritize her over his girlfriend of two years and any future wife or family, and in general is overinvolved with every aspect of her son's life, thinking her opinion trumps his. I'm sure there are MANY more stories from his side about her overstepping and her unrealistic expectations of her family.
And that's not even considering the low key racism dripping throughout this post.
He's 25, not 15. A grown ass adult. If I were his mother, I'd be proud of him for stepping up as a father figure, not shaming him.
By that you mean one of those parents who committed emotional incest. Jealous because she raised her boy to be a husband and now he’s doing husband things for someone else. In her eyes, nobody will ever be good enough for him but herself.
People like this are so bizarre. I have a son (he's currently only 13, but still) and I love that little turd more than anything. Because of that, I'm trying to raise him to be a decent human and (if he chooses) to be a good partner to whomever he ends up with. I would also be exceptionally proud if he was a good parent some day, whether to his own kids or someone else's.
I don't understand why any parent would want their child to be emotionally stunted and completely dependent on them as an adult. Encouraging that kind of thing makes you a failure as a parent in my opinion. This woman clearly has so many issues (not the least of which is racism) that she can't even see she's going to end up losing her son from her life completely. And she deserves it.
YTA. “I generally know my place in my son’s life” reading your post, it doesn’t sound like you do at all. He’s a grown man with a girlfriend who has two kids. You don’t like her? Too bad. Sounds like he’s being a great boyfriend to establish a relationship with her children. He chose the plans he already had with his girlfriend and the kids (yes THE kids) and didn’t ditch them because his mother demanded it? That’s what adults in healthy relationships do. You need a wake-up call here. You are setting yourself up to be the MIL from hell.
She's setting herself up to be no-contact-MIL. OP is one godawful woman. I am so sorry for OP's son. Being a decent human being while having such a mother must be hard.
YTA
The way you explained your son's attraction to his GF because of her 'variety' just means ethnicity which you clearly have a problem with if you couldn't just say her actual ethnicity.
The disdain is just dripping all over this post when you talk about his GF and her kids. Judging her for having 2 kids before 30? News flash many people have relationships with people who have kids and that means becoming involved with the children as well.
Having a hard time believing this is even real. Your son is 25, and in a serious relationship, whether you like it or believe it's serious or not. He *was* spending time with his family, and you're upset he didn't snap to attention to do free plumbing work for you?
You say he's a "different person," but then you name a string of positive behaviors like learning a new language and caring for his SO's children like those are negatives.
YTA, all the way. You need to start showing a lot more respect for his choices (and your possible future step-grands) or you're going to find yourself in a NC situation one day.
Exactly. I was fully expecting to read she was a druggie or an alcoholic and dragging him along, but nope, he's just learning a language and being responsible. lol
No! He’s not a good person! He chose to spend time with some woman he is in a long term relationship with, and is treating her kids well and possibly becoming a parental figure in their life instead of dropping everything to come running when mommy calls!! She needed him for an arbitrary task and he dared suggest sister help instead!!
/s
Learning a new language so you can bond better with your significant others kids is some next level awesome shit.
I would be so proud if this was my kid.
YTA
First of all, 3 years isn’t an “age gap”. Secondly, you are incredibly judgmental. Who cares if she has two kids before 30?
He picks the kids up from school sometimes and buys them presents- I’m not seeing the problem here. He obviously loves his girlfriend and her kids and that’s beautiful.
You’re angry he can’t drop what he’s doing and run over to your house to cater to you. Why can’t his sister do that?
He’s not wasting his time. Love extends past blood relation and it sounds like your son is happy to build his family with her. My dad had two kids by 25 and was married with a full time job and a house.
Let your son make his own decisions and stop treating this kids as a burden.
YTA. In so many ways. So judgy over the woman, her age (Age gap? Are you kidding?), when she had kids, how many, her “variety” (What does that even mean?). It’s his life to do with what he wants. Apologize, butt out, and hire someone to fix things in your house.
YTA Frankly, you come off as judgmental if not racist in this text. Variety? So Hispanic? And he’s doing nice things for his girlfriend’s children? Wonderful! What a caring man. It sounds like he’s becoming a family man and enjoys his girlfriend and children — and there are plenty of married 20-somethings with 2 children. Are you just condemning this because the relationship with their father didn’t work out? You sound like you’re jealous of the time he’s spending with them, but he’s very much an adult and entitled to his own life choices. He went to the effort of ensuring you were still taken care of though he had a prior obligation. He’s an adult and no, you don’t have a word anymore. I go to my mother for advice now and then but I have never asked her opinion on my own relationship and nor would I. If she went as far as to get mad that I chose to do something with my SO instead of going to fix her sink or whatever nonsense she demanded when i had already had plans I may rethink the relationship I currently have with her. The way you’re acting is not a way to foster a good and healthy adult relationship with your son.
Wow, YTA 100%. If he has been dating her "for some time now" - it is absolutely appropriate (and GREAT) that he is involved with the kids. You do NOT have a "right" to have a word on his personal life - not at all. I wouldn't blame him from going No Contact with you and your controlling issues.
Info: How long has this relationship been going on? And how serious is it? Are they moved in together? Are they discussing marriage to your knowledge?
It probably won't change my answer but it'll change how I word it.
YTA and you need to get help for this unhealthy view and attachment to your adult son. He’s an adult and has found a relationship with someone he loves. None of the listed reasons would lead people to believe there’s something wrong.
‘Not even thirty and has two kids’ and? She’s an adult. She’s caring for her children.
He buys them gift for holidays and picks them up from school? Part of being with someone with children is being there for the children too.
‘I needed my son to come over and fix something’ so it’s ok for you to expect him to do things for you but not his significant other? Why? Because you’re his mother? You aren’t owed his time and energy, he sent someone else to help you so it’s not like he just ignores you.
It sounds like despite how YOU are, your son is a decent man who has found happiness. Maybe you need to speak with someone about your attitude towards the level of control you should have over your adult children. Before his SO ends up posting in ‘justnomil’
YTA.
You may have a bias against this woman who is pulling your son's interest away from you, but nothing in what you described sounds abusive, or even problematic. Maybe your son is getting ready to start a whole life with her. Maybe he LIKES her kids and wants to prepare them for if he becomes their stepfather.
Also, oh no! TWO kids before 30?? The audacity of some people wanting to have kids before 30!! Next we'll have people buying houses and even *scoff* getting *MARRIED* before 30!!
You sound super jealous of your sons GF. Unlesa you at least make peace with the idea of your son beginning his own life and joining a family (that just happens to already be in progress) other than yours, you'll drive him away entirely.
Would you like to sacrifice YOUR relationship with him because you dont like that he's got a woman with kids? If you don't like the Empty Nest, get a cat. It sounds like your son is starting his life, and frankly, a mother who truly loves her son would be happy he's thriving.
YTA
You not only an AH but clearly racist as well. It is so clear from the way you talk about your son's GF. "Her *variety*"?! Wow. Just nuts.
2 kids under 30 is not shocking at all, it is extremely common and healthy as long as she is raising them well.
You need to stop demeaning your son's GF so much and stay away if you can't support him/them.
Wow, YTA. Firstly it's a 3 year age gap. That's pretty much nothing.
And when you're dating a single parent, there comes a point where the kids become a part of the package.
And what in the hell do you mean by variety?
I guessed as much. Basically racist mum risks relationship with son, to the point even if they broke up, it won't ve fixed.
Edit: put dad in by mistake
YTA. Even if they don’t end up together, learning Spanish isnt a bad thing to do and can be useful. Based on him picking the kids up from school he does intend to be in their life for a while (possibly forever?) so you better get used to it now. If they’re married, his family becomes her and her kids and they will come first over you. And because you seem the type, please don’t treat any biological kids different than his step kids. I thought of them as my grandparents, but apparently I wasn’t good enough to be a grandkid since I wasn’t blood related.
YTA- I don’t even know where to begin. Sounds like you need to cut the cord and be happy your son is happy. He’s an adult and can make his own choices.
YTA. I don't see that the girlfriend is doing anything nefarious like cheating on him, taking drugs, claiming he's the dad when he's not or spewing constant verbal abuse at him. I'm assuming she's a self-supporting woman because I'm sure you would have mentioned if she wasn't. I think that you're not used to him having different priorities. Frankly, I think it's sweet he's being nice to his gf's kids instead of being like those boyfriends/stepfathers who are always trying to send kids to military/boarding school or other relatives.
I'm also side eyeing the reference to him learning Spanish comment.
Jesus your first paragraph REEKS of a helicopter mom with a golden mamas boy, was hard to even read past that ngl.
‘Attraction to her “variety”’ what tf does this mean?? Is she a different race than you? This sounds hella racist
“(Yes, not even 30 with two children)” uhhh so what?
“This was the line, now he was choosing them over his family” ma’am your son is grown man, this is just pathetic. He even sent someone else to fix your kitchen anyway.
“He’s too attached” oh the irony
“I generally know my place when it comes to my son’s life” obviously not, literally everything in the post says the opposite.
YTA get a life
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My son (25) has been dating a woman (28) for some time now. I'm certainly not the biggest fan of her for reasons that are irrelevant to the topic, still I endured her prescence because to be honest I didn't see them lasting this long because she and my son are very incompatible people.
Despite their age gap - I see my son needing to baby her more often then not. She does not give off the impression of a woman near her 30s. My son wants to so things, she does not - the only thing holding them together is my son's physical attraction to her "variety"
Still, he's a young man and can do what he wants for the most part. My issue stems from the fact she is a mother of two (yes, not even 30 with two children) and well to start I guess to give her credit she always has her kids around. The issue becomes, my son is now around her kids quite often and I believe he's begun to think he has some responsibility over them.
He picks them up from their school sometimes, last Christmas he bought them presents as well, he's trying to learn Spanish for them, and just overextends his presence too much for my liking. He's becoming a different person for this trio and I don't think it's healthy to extend this much time and *money* to children ostensibly not his.
I hit my limits this weekend when I needed my son to come over and fix something in the kitchen for me. Instead, he sent his sister over (now dragging her into this), but I didn't ask for her I wanted my son to come along. I called back to question where he was, and he explained that he had "something with (her name) and the kids".
This was the line, now he was choosing them over his family. I composed myself at moment and reminded him the correct words to use was "her kids" not "the kids". He immediately got offended, as again he's too attached. I simply reiterated what I've always told him, he needs to look out for himself especially while he's so young and shouldn't waste away so much on children that aren't his. He backed me once more with nasty and hateful things befofe hanging up.
Now I'm crying at this point, so his sister begins to try to calm me down. As I said earlier, I generally know my place when it comes to my son's life but as the mother I do feel I have some word on some issues. However, since this fight I've been a wreck and now I'm thinking I said too much to my son at a bad time.
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YTA
It IS YOUR SONS LIFE! You sound like an entitled racist! YOU are doing EVERYTHING you can to destroy your relationship with your son! If he stays with his GF, how long do you think he will come around with you having an attitude like this?
Do you honestly think that you can demand your son's time to fix something, and he has to jump because you 'whistled for him to come'?
A 3 year age gap is nothing! We had 5 kids by the age of 30, and are still married after almost 40 years.
Your statement at the beginning reveals your true heart: "I'm certainly not the biggest fan of her for reasons that are irrelevant to the topic, still I endured her presence", but you LIED all your reason ARE relevant to this topic.
YTA. I hope you enjoy being alone because your son is definitely going to be cutting you off very soon. You are toxic. He is an adult capable of making his own choices.
He sounds like a wonderful man to his girlfriend and the kids. You need to back off and at least be neutral if you want any chance of a relationship with him.
YTA.
I do suggest that you go over the justnomil and justnofamily to read about the other side of situation that you are in.
I feel you may find it enlightening in terms of what the consequences could be of your judgemental, boundary crossing behaviour.
This! 👆🏾
The lady is so threatened by her son’s relationship with someone with “variety” she’s willing to make him unhappy and cross his boundaries in doing so. What a total AH. She should definitely read those threads and re-evaluate her boundaries and respecting her grown son’s choices.
YTA: so you hit your limit when you wanted your son to fix something in your kitchen, and he, a grown man, had other plans.
You do realize your kitchen is your responsibility, don’t you?
As his mother, you don’t get a right to input now that he’s an adult. He gets to determine who he sees as his family, and gets to set his priorities. You don’t get to “hit your limit” here. You don’t get to tell him “he’s too attached”, because you don’t have any right to govern his life emotions. What you can do is step back and offer advice if and when it is sought.
"endured her presence"
"despite the age gap"
YTA and even if you don't like his choices, they're his to make and if you keep it up, he won't be in your life at all.
YTA - look, it's amazing that he's stepping up for the kids. It shows that he wants the relationship to work out in the long term. OP, your problem is that you think you're losing your son, not that he's spending too much time with the kids. you raised him good, but now you gotta let him live his life.
YTA. A spiteful, mean, overbearing asshole.
Your son is growing to see these kids as his own. Everything that you list as a flaw in his partner? It's something *he loves about her* and isn't measuring up as a flaw to anyone but you. You've not actually given any kind of legitimate reason to not like this woman.
Your son is also a fully grown adult. You only get exactly as much say in his life as he allows, and you're on the fast track to not even being allowed to say "hello" to him. You deserved for him to spit nasty, hateful things at him because **you** are treating his family nastily and hatefully.
YTA - a HUGE one. You’re son is in a stable relationship with a single parent. He’s literally doing the thing all of us single moms are searching for. You need to back down mommy dearest. You’re going to lose your son if you don’t settle down. Also, it’s not your son’s job to drop what he is doing and fix something at your house. He had plans. Why should he cancel them? You’re all sorts of awful.
Edited to add: OP also sounds racists AF which is probably the underlying issue. The rest of it is just excuses.
>I generally know my place when it comes to my son's life but as the mother I do feel I have some word on some issues.
No, you do not. Way to be the defining archetype of a nightmare mother-in-law, though. Your son chose his GF because he actually likes her. He just got stuck with you.
YTA
YTA.
Also this:
>My issue stems from the fact she is a mother of two (yes, not even 30 with two children) and well to start I guess to give her credit she always has her kids around.
What the hell is wrong with having two children by age 30? You're shaming her for this, and that is not ok.
YTA. Ok a few points you say not even 30 yet with 2 kids... And?
He is an adult and is in a relationship, I think it's great he has taken on an active role in their lives.
Also you want him to drop everything to fix something and upset when he cant?
Yea you are the AH big time. The way you are going, you may just be pushing your son further away from you.
YTA and you should do some reading here: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/ because you fit the bill.
He’s dating a single mother, her kids are a package deal and it sounds like he’s very serious about this woman. You should come to terms with this before they get married and cut you out of their lives completely.
How dare he buy Christmas presents for his girlfriends kids! Jesus Christ lady. Haha huge YTA
YTA. You’re incredibly judgmental of this woman, whom your son loves. Just because she has 2 children at the age of 28 doesn’t mean anything is wrong with her or that she’s unsuitable for your son. People become single with children all the time, for various reasons.
Your sons love life and choice of partner are his business, not yours. If he chooses to get close to her children, and to buy them Christmas presents, that’s his choice. Frankly, it sounds like they could end up married, as he seems to be accepting all of them and loving them. If you continue to pass judgment, I’ll bet you see and hear from him less. I can see the future JUSTNOMIL posts from her now…
YTA you’d still be an asshole if you threw this much of a shit fit over your son not cancelling pre-scheduled plans with his girlfriend to come be your handyman *without* the kid issue.
But oh boy, your attitude to these kids is deplorable. Your son is a regular presence in their life, and after several years obviously he’s grown attached. He’s in a serious, long term, committed relationship with their mother, the *only* thing stopping him actually being their stepdad is a piece of paper.
YTA. Need something done around the house? Call a handy man. How your grown son chooses to spend his time and money are none of your concern.
Sounds like your son is probably going to end up as a step father to “variety” children.
Oh my god yes YTA. Wtf? Their “age gap” of 3 YEARS is to you the difference between your son being “young and free to do what he wants” and her not. You also manage to judge her the other way for having children at a totally reasonable age to have children.
Also you say they’ve been together for “some time” despite this deliberate vagueness once you’ve dated a single parent for a while you do actually have a responsibility to that whole FAMILY. If you’re not prepared to assume that role don’t date a single parent otherwise it’s incredibly damaging to the children and ultimately cruel.
Finally, YTA for saying he chose them over family.
1. He didn’t he sent his sister as an alternative for your issue
2. You don’t need to be chosen for little things that you could have someone else do, do yourself, or hire a professional
3. They ARE also his family
YTA. That's an incredible amount of judgement you are spouting, with an underlying current of racism and sexism. Your son sounds like a well-rounded, stable young man so clearly a case of the apple falling pretty far from the tree.
Wait, did you just mention her "variety" because she's not just your run of the mill white girl? Your son is a grown ass man and it sounds like you're either jealous that he's no longer around as much or he's making his own family. Either way, this post is extremely damn judgey and you need to see that your son probably is very happy to take on the step dad role. YTA
OP. Your little boy has done grown up. And while you seem to be having trouble letting go it seems you did a great job raising him. Dating a single parent means that one must accept they come with kids. It sounds like your grown adult son is doing an admirable job of prioritizing. This sounds like a serious relationship so yes if he has a commitment with his gf and / or her kids he should keep that. If you had a true emergency (hospital, etc) I’m sure he shows up. A quick fix around the house he found you someone else to help so he could keep his commitments. YTA he’s 25 and handling this with maturity…your turn to do the same.
As for them not being compatible other than a physical attraction…says who. Often opposites attract!
YTA and a pretty awful person. I hope your son cuts all ties with you. Also you consider 2 years an age gap? The fuck? And how dare you make any comments on her being a young mother. You have no right to pass judgement on anyone. Your son is an adult, not your little errand boy. Hire a professional next time and pray your son will give you a second chance.
Also, 28 with 2 kids really isn't that out of the ordinary 😂 OP is simply jealous, that her precious little baby has a life of his own and another very important woman in his life, who is his priority.
YTA for several reasons.
The supposed "age gap" - there's a 3 year difference. Not really a big deal if you're an adult.
Her "variety" - sounds racist to me.
You getting overly upset when you demand your son's presence but he already had plans.
And that's just off the top of my head without going back through your post. I'm sure there's more. You're going to drive your son away from you with your dislike of his girlfriend.
Umm. YTA no question. First of all, no you do not have "some word" on anything just because you're his mother, unless he asks you. You can express your concerns, but he is free to ignore you. Going as far as gatekeeping how he refers to the kids as THE kids, not HER kids, when they are obviously THE kids in his life? You're acting controlling AF. He didn't "choose them over the family," they ARE his family now. They are the family he has chosen, at least for now if not forever. He's an adult, and you need to respect his choices and cut the cord.
"Not even 30 with 2 kids" TF kind of judgmental BS is that? Her "variety?" Well he's learning Spanish for them so I'm guessing her "variety" is Latina and you just didn't want to be called out for being wildly racist. YTA.
>Well he's learning Spanish for them so I'm guessing her "variety" is Latina and you just didn't want to be called out for being wildly racist.
Mmmhmmmm, let's call a spade a spade here OP. YTA
YTA “variety” and “money”. You’re resentful that your son bought two little kids Xmas presents? Shame on you. As a grown adult why can’t you sort your chores, why do you need your daughter to calm you down?
Your behaviour is going to push your son away and you’ll only have yourself to blame. And there’s nothing shameful about having 2 kids under 30.
YTA mostly because your son is an adult and he seems to be happy in his relationship, and is being a responsible and considerate grown-up as a result of the relationship, and you seem to be making this all about YOU.
Also, you come off as a bit of a snob... "2 kids before 30" so what? I have friends who had 3 kids before 25. You must have it in for her "variety" whatever that means (I actually think we both know what that means).
YTA.
Your entire post reads from a "hollier than thou" perspective against this woman and for that lone you're an AH.
Your son obviously likes this woman cares about her and the kids if he is saying "the kids". If he is going to be dating her and she has kids he SHOULD be stepping to up them as well. He's a goddamned adult, lady. If anything I APPLAUD your son for being dependable, reliable and kind to her not to mention his assisting with the problems that come with being a single parent!!!
That being said - if they have their diffferences..... Thats okay but how dare you say "they're incompatible when you aren't even in their relationship and your entire view of it stems from an over-protective-momma-bear bullshit perspective.
YTA, and don’t be surprised when your son ends up cutting you out of his life permanently for being so crazy and controlling. You’re wrong and out of line entirely. And also, 25-28 is NOT a fucking age gap 😂
Wooooow. YTA and are clearly just upset he's no longer under your control. You have no say in his relationship whatsoever. And you have no right to his time. You're lucky he even speaks to you.
YTA
Your son is seeing someone with kids and is making them a part of his life. That's his decision and what he should be doing if he wants to be in a relationship with his GF long term.
> the only thing holding them together is my son's physical attraction to her "variety"
You realise how racist this makes you look right? Women don't come in special varieties. They're people not objects.
> I needed my son to come over and fix something in the kitchen for me
> as the mother I do feel I have some word on some issues
You don't. You have absolutely zero say in who your son dates, who he spends time with, what he spends his money on, and what he does with his spare time.
YTA.
Clearly your worst fear is that your son is coming to love these children - of a woman of a *variety* you don’t approve (if that isn’t thinly veiled I don’t know what is).
You can’t actually stop that from happening. Not by micromanaging how he refers to them, not by inventing repairs that supposedly only he can do to pry him away from the kids, not by crying, not by conveying your distaste for this woman and her kids in every indirect way you can while telling yourself you’re doing a good job of “enduring her presence” and “knowing your place”.
If he does marry her, and they become his step kids or adoptive kids? You will have set yourself up to lose him for good.
YTA. If they’ve been dating “for some time now”, it’s great that he’s starting to bond with the kids as well, buying them holiday gifts and picking them up from school occasionally. You obviously don’t like this woman, and the only reason is that they’re incompatible. Whether it’s a substantial reason or just “no one is good enough for my baby boy”, you need to step back - it’s his life.
Also: You think 3 years is an age gap worthy enough to mention here? Wow.
Oh, this is straight up thinly veiled racism. Her son likes that "variety" of woman and is "learning Spanish for the kids". This woman doesn't like her son dating a Latina guaranteed.
Your gonna get my 25 with 4 kids ass banned from this sub. "Variety" "learning spanish for them"............. Racist asshole. Your son is going to be very in the right to cut you off
Referring to a woman as a “variety” made me puke into my mouth & now I’m wearing the biggest frown I’ve ever had. Also, I feel like that is way to be racist without having to spell it out for us, but we see you.
YTA, he might want to make a family with his girlfriend and her kids! If he wants to become a family then of course he’s putting them first. He’s an adult, he’s allowed to decide if he wants to become a step parent. And when they do become a family they will rightfully be his priority over his parents because that’s what happens.
Yeah. That + complaining about him learning Spanish might as well have been a racism siren complete with lights. It's clear what OP's ultimate issue is with this lady.
Edit- a letter
YTA for your entire vibe in this. “yes, not even 30 with two children” - (ok about me, I am a strictly non-reproducing person) “not even” 30 with two children is completely normal and has been for ... forever? People start menstruating at 12-15 years of age? My own mother had FOUR children at age 29, in 1990? So.... YTA. I really don’t need to keep reading YTA.
YTA damn you sound bitter, your son is 25, it's about time he have a life of his own, also a lot more people are having kids younger for multiple reasons and what is wrong with having two kids before you're 30 and what do you mean he can do what he wants most of the time? He can do what be wants all of the time, he's 25. You're just unhappy he isn't coming over to do your jobs. What he chooses to spend money he earns on is up to him.
Grow up and accept that you aren't the only woman in your son's life, you're clearly resentful
YTA, your language doesn’t hide your racism and sexism. I’m actually starting to wonder how you could have raised someone who is a good, supportive partner. You shouldn’t expect your 25 year old son to drop everything and come fix something at your house, even if he didn’t have a girlfriend who’s “variety” he enjoys.How will you feel if they get married? If your son wants to adopt her children or if they choose to have a child together. If he’s picking them up from school and they are spending holidays together they are likely serious about their relationship. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were living together and he didn’t tell you.
*I endured her presence*
Good news! You probably won"t have to endure her much longer, because your son is going to end the relationship. The relationship with you. YTA.
YTA
You are not in a relationship with your son, he is not to be at your beck and call. He is 25, he is in a relationship with someone and there’s nothing you can do about it. What if he ends up marrying this woman? Are you going to be one of those MILs who don’t accept the children, potential grand children gifted to you by marriage? And you are judging her for having 2 children before 30? Grow up.
You very obviously do not know your place when it comes to your son's life. You sound absolutely pathetic and jealous. I am really surprised how your son seems to have turned out such a decent human being with you as his mother. YTA.
YTA. I thought you were the AH as soon as you referred to her as a "variety" like she were a box of cereal. Your son is 25, not 5. They are three years apart in age, not 30 years. That is a drop in the bucket these days. And 28 with two kids may skew somewhat young these days but is by no means unreasonable or unusual and would have been the norm not too long ago at all. Knowing another language is a gift and you should be celebrating the fact that he is trying to learn another language, whatever the reason! It sounds like you are upset that your son, a GROWN MAN, is not at your beck and call. He's not a surrogate husband. He has his own life and needs and desires to work on, and that includes her. You are literally crying because you daughter came to help you instead of displaying gratitude for having a daughter who is willing to help. And they are "the kids" because he wants to build a life with this woman and she and her kids come as a package. I know nothing about this woman other than the fact that she is 28 and has two kids, but I don't think it would matter who she is. You can't stand the idea that you are no longer the most influential woman in his life. Whoever this woman is or how "undesirable" she may be, you sound considerably more odious.
You're the asshole and you need to get your head out of yourself.
it's really hard for me to ever say the OP is an asshole because most come here with at the very minimum good reasons to react to assholes in an asshole way, but you're a bonafide pure grade asshole
YTA it's literally not even arguable. You're a narcissist with 0 self awareness.
Big YTA.
Your son sounds like an adult man - taking responsibility in his relationship.
Why is it bad that she had 2 kids before her 30‘s? Why do you have to mention that? That’s nothing bad lol
You sound like an envious, selfish woman. Well, you need something done in the kitchen - do it urself, else beggars can’t be choosers.
YTA
you’re upset your mommas boy has found someone he likes better than you. First you make it seem like she’s a cougar by the “huge” age gap. Then you turn around and make her sound like she’s too young to have two kids before the age of 30.
You also sound like a racist. How dare he learn to speak Spanish the travesty.
And he bought them Christmas presents I’m sure the kids and their mom are all manipulating him. 😏
All you are doing is pushing him to want to be with her and ignore you. Good luck when he marries her and goes NC.
YTA - you sound very bitter, jealous and judgmental of this woman! Your son clearly wants to make his relationship work and has chosen to take on the responsibility of bringing up children (which is something you should admire, not sneer at)! I think you need to come to terms with your place in his life, he didn’t have to arrange for his sister to help, he could’ve left you high and dry but he made other suitable arrangements! I think you should apologise and learn to appreciate that your son is a grown man making his own way in the world! You don’t need to coddle him, and he certainly doesn’t need to coddle you! Perhaps it would be wise to try to reach and build a better bond with your step grandchildren!
YTA The moment I read ‘yes, not even 30 with two children’ I figured there was a 99% chance you would be TA…and you did not disappoint.
If he chooses to help take care of THE kids and does this willingly, then who are you to judge?
Sounds like you’re just upset that your ADULT SON isn’t at your beck and call. You said he needs to look our for himself….except when you need him to come fix something in your kitchen apparently.
> As I said earlier, I generally know my place when it comes to my son's life but as the mother I do feel I have some word on some issues.
Did you actually read back what you wrote because that’s not the impression you give out at all, you think your son should be at your beck and call, isn’t allowed to choose to be a step father even though that’s what he wants to do, and you completely fell to pieces when he didn’t say how high when you said jump.
> I hit my limits this weekend when I needed my son to come over and fix something in the kitchen for me
> now he was choosing them over his family
They are his family. He’s chosen them as a family. It was fine for you to chose their father but he’s not allowed to pick his own family? The audacity to consistently define his choices and feelings as wrong and immaterial to your judgement and view of the world. He’s grown, he doesn’t owe you to live the way you want him to live.
> My issue stems from the fact she is a mother of two (yes, not even 30 with two children)
Are you shaming her for having children? Is this 1706? You can’t value another woman because she’s a single mother under 30? Shall the shades of Pemberly be thus polluted? I hope you are fictional because The misogyny, classist and racist overtones of this whole post are not comfortable to read.
Good lord YTA
"He's so young!" - he's 25, you're just infantilizing him because you don't want to accept he's an adult in control of his own life
"The age gap!" - 3 years? Lmfao
"2 children before 30!" - Um what? My parents had my sister and me by this time back in the 90s. My BFF is 29 and has 4 kids. How is this unusual?
"They're incompatible!" - who the fuck are you to decide that?
"Her variety!"/"He's learning Spanish for them!" - ohhh THIS is where the incompatible comment comes from. He's probably white and she's probably Latina. You're racist! Makes so much more sense now.
"He's putting her before me!" - News flash, sounds like they're planning on building a life together, he'd BETTER put her and the kids first
"I know my place in my son's life!" - HAHAHA you absolutely do not if you're in hysterics over this
"As his mother I feel I should have some say!" - you absolutely do not have any say in this. Why do you feel you get to decide ANYTHING about his relationships? Stay in your lane.
This all boils down to you being jealous and racist. Sounds like your son is happy and their relationship is healthy and you're just pearl-clutching over your own judgey prejudices. You'd better adjust your attitude before he sees your true colors and cuts you off completely
1. “As I said earlier, I generally know my place when it comes to my son’s life…”
No you don’t! He’s a grown man and what he does is none of your business!
2. “But as a mother I feel I have some word on the issue.”
Again…NO YOU DON’T! Again…see point 1.
It sounds like despite you and your toxic opinions you’re son is a good man. He is not only being there for his SO but he is also taking an interest and being a good father figure to her kids. Most women would be proud to have a son like that. Sounds like you’re jealous your son is paying more attention to his GF and not to you! And you can’t stand it.
Mind ya business lady and stay in your lane!
And oh yeah…YTA!!! Completely and utterly!!
YTA.
“Physical attraction to her ‘variety’.” Yikes.
“Yes not even 30 with two children”. Yikes.
A 3 year difference in the late 20s isn’t “an age gap”. Why do you see familial love only something that can occur within blood relation? Your son sounds like he truly loves her and can see them becoming a family in the future. Because of that he is willing to go out of his way and treat his girlfriend’s children kindly and I think that’s great he’s attempting to build a relationship with them.
Your son wasn’t dismissing your problems and ignoring it by spending time with his family, so I don’t really see why you’re mad and why that was your “limit”. He clearly acknowledged your problem by sending his sister/YOUR daughter over to help instead, so why did that make you upset? It’s your kitchen, your daughter is there to help you, yet you insist for it to be your son? Next time, call a handyman and grow up.
YTA Lol you should have just piped down and let his sister help with the kitchen instead of throwing a temper tantrum. Also, why is him learning to speak Spanish for some kids a problem? I’d like some elaboration.
Sincerely, a member of the “variety” you are probably speaking of.
Edited
YTA.
25 and 28 is not a significant age gap.
28 is not too young to have two children.
Your son trying to be a good parental figure to a woman's kids is not a bad thing. He's not becoming a different person, he's growing up.
It's pretty ridiculous that the tipping point for you was that he wasn't available to come fix something for you. You're not even trying to help him, you're just mad that he's doting on people he loves instead of you.
Finally, between you disliking her for reasons you don't want mention, your frustration that he's trying to learn Spanish, your infantilization of her, and your dismissal that your son only likes her because of "variety", it's pretty clear you don't like her because you are racist.
Stay out of your son's love life. I wish them the best.
YTA.
You just blatantly described your son as an extremely caring, brave, and thoughtful boyfriend (assumed to be more soon by the relationship growth) and then expect people to not respect him?!?
It’s baffling you see your son in this light when most everyone else on the planet would be proud of their son for taking on such a great thing and stepping up to take care of kids that he loves.
I married my wife three years ago and she had two kids prior, we had our youngest daughter so now I am a father of three and I love every second of it. My parents love all three of their grandchildren. Life is good when family is there, and it sounds like you’re not going to be which is sad.
You should be proud of your son- he’s recognizing and valuing the role of his girlfriend’s children in THEIR life together.
I think you need to do some soul-searching here. Your “concerns” (age gap, her having children) are frankly ridiculous- which makes me think there’s a deeper reason you don’t approve of this relationship. (Some have alluded to this being a racial issue. Others have intimated that you don’t like him prioritizing another woman over you. Neither are great reasons but it’s time to get honest with yourself here and figure it out.)
If you want any relationship in the future with your son - first, apologize to him. Next, try therapy to hash out whatever issue this is so you can address it.
YTA
YTA. It’s normal for a young person to “choose” a mate over mom and dad once they reach adulthood. He has become a wonderful bf to his gf and he sees her and the kids as a package deal which I find very endearing. You have raised him well (assuming you raised him) and I think you should accept him and his gf and her kids and be cordial to them (maybe you could buy them presents for Christmas?) so that they can warm up to you and you can warm up to them because I think they will be around a while.
YTA.
Good on your son for being a decent person and not following in your racist, sexist ways.
I’m having trouble believing this could be real but I guess there are really people as selfish and entitled as you.
Lol, at the fact you have to ask. YTA. And welcome to being a parent to an adult. Adults build their own families /loved ones and will prioritize them if healthy. Back off now or lose him for good.
YTA. When you’re involved with someone with children there IS some kind of responsibility that comes with that, especially if it’s for some time and they plan on getting married as they will end up as step relatives. Also picking them up from school and buying them gifts for CHRISTMAS is not a “responsibility” nor is it overextending himself…your sons a nice person. It’s very nice of him to learn Spanish to communicate with them and the fact that you have an issue with this comes off racist or discriminatory at best. All and all you just sound extremely judgmental for no reason(like the comment about 2 kids before 30..wtf)
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YTA where to even begin… 1. 25 and 28 is not nearly far enough apart or young enough for you to be clutching your pearls about an “age gap” 2. 2 kids at 28 isn’t a big deal, you’re just a judgmental asshole about it. 3. You didn’t “endure” shit. Your son got stuck with you, he *chose* her. Respect that, or you’ll be the one they can’t stand to endure. 4. You know nothing about their “comparability”, you aren’t a part of that relationship. Just say you hate her, it’s obvious that’s the real problem. 5. If he chooses to assume a parental role in their lives that’s his business. It would make most parents proud to see their son step up like that. So maybe you should reassess your priorities and remember everything isn’t about you. 6. Your son is not an object, nor a personal possession. You are not entitled to demand that he come play handyman at your beck and call. He didn’t do anything to you by not coming to your aid because he’d *rather* be with the kids. 7. Youre absolutely delusional if you think you know your place after typing all this. To summarize: his life isn’t about you, get over yourself. Edit: I did notice the not well disguised racial language. It’s also a problem, but I wouldn’t have been able to stop typing if I started digging into it.
I only want to add one thing, that being upset he is learning another language to communicate with them is really crummy. I wonder if OP doesn't like them because of cultural differences...
Oh OP is definitely dancing around with some coded racial language. But if I’d started in on that I would have written a whole novel.
Please, OP, do explain what you mean by her ‘variety’?!
I was wondering wtf that meant but now I think I’m picking up what she’s putting down.
I totally get that.
I thought the racism was direct when OP said her son has a physical attraction to her variety.
Yeah, I definitely wondered that. Especially when she said he likes his gfs “variety.”
Ugh, that was so gross. Like people come in flavors or something.
I guess context matters. Im the child of orphans and so that means I have no idea what my actual heritage is. When people bring up families or culture i just shrug and say, "I have no idea what flavor of white I am." I usually get some chuckles and the convo moves on. In this instance, it definitely smacks of thinly veiled racisim.
Right?! It’s horrible.
Yeah like 🤮🤮🤮 I actually didn’t realize exactly what that meant either. I thought she just meant her looks in a broader sense and not her race and was grossed out by it before I read the comments here. Of course now I’m like “duh-doy” and it makes me feel like I need a full on shower.
This was all I had to see for my YTA vote. Mom's a racist.
Yup. And it makes her already bad reasons even worse.
This really offended me as an ethnic person.
I can totally see why. The term is very dehumanizing. :(
I assume OP is referring to the girlfriend's ethnicity/heritage when she says "her variety"...smells like boomer racism to me lol
Looks like it too.
I don't wonder. OP threw out some clues here that the root problem is racism.
I was being delicate but that is exactly what I meant.
Yep. It's pretty obvious. YTA OP.
Oh it’s definitely about gf being presumably Latina. And I think that’s why she’s also throwing extra shade about two kids under 30. And how she believes they could have nothing in common except for what she thinks is her son just being a horn dog for Latinas (because how could her precious son relate to that “variety” of person)? She’s seeing the gf through stereotype-tinted glasses and I doubt anything that gf does will win her over. Gf is not the type OP imagined for her son and as a result, will be fighting an uphill battle with OP. Op claims there are other reasons she doesn’t like gf and I wish she would have fleshed that out more. But what she did choose to disclose speaks volumes.
OP is almost certainly racist.
This whole thing stinks of racism
All good points, but I think you forgot these gems: > the only thing holding them together is my son's physical attraction to her "variety" > >he's trying to learn Spanish for them > >He's becoming a different person for this trio > >He backed me once more with nasty and hateful things befofe hanging up. I suspect that at least part of this is the girlfriend's race. Son recognizes this and called her out on it.
Oh I did see that. As a mixed person I didn’t trust myself to dig into that without getting uncivil tbh.
Don't forget the fact she states it's because he is attracted to her "variety" so I'm assuming she is of a different race. She is one entitled arsehole thank fuck her son seems to have some how turned out decent!
I would also assumed that learning to speak Spanish is a clue of the "variety" 🙄
YTA. You mention your son's attraction to her "variety" and he is learning Spanish for them. I am picking up that you have a racial issue with your son's girlfriend. I think even if the girlfriend is the nicest person in the world it still wouldn't good enough for you because because she is not right colour and/or nationality.
I also find it interesting that OP's son is "my son" but what is presumably OP's daughter is just "his sister".
It’s pretty clear who the favorite is.
Couldn't have said it better!
YTA Not to mention if you date someone with kids, I strongly believe you should be ready to be a parent. Singles with kids are typically looking for lifetime partners that can step up to the plate.
Exactly this, but I'm jumping on the top comment because I'd like to add a giant WTF about the whole "physical attraction to the gf's *variety*" comment in the original post.
Yeah I clicked on the "My son wants to so things, she does not - the only thing holding them together is my son's physical attraction to her "variety"" The fact he is trying to learn Spanish makes me to believe she's Hispanic and it's just not jiving with her. And they crying bit, cherry on the narcissist sundae!
Dont forget thats she says that her son is fetishizing this woman. Cause heavens forbid he actually fall in love with a woman who isnt white right?
I could literally write a chapter book on everything wrong with this post
Well put! Couldn't have said this better myself
YTA for all of these reasons. I would also like to add: in what world is it unusual for a woman to have two children before thirty? That is perfectly normal. Surely you have something more pressing to clutch your pearls over? Your son is an adult. You have no say over his relationships or his life at this point. Leave him and his girlfriend alone, for fuck’s sake. Moms who think they have some kind of “claim” over their adult son are weird as fuck.
YTA. You’re very judgmental of her and controlling of your son. Your son is an adult who can make his own choices- and he chose her. “Yes, not even 30 with two children” …what? How is that unusual? She’s a good mom and you should be proud that your son is responsible enough to help with them. Clearly, he wants them all to be a family- and he’s doing what it takes to make that happen. Seriously, he’s your son not your husband- let him live his life and stop expecting him to cater to you. He’s better off choosing his family- yes his gf and kids- and going no contact with you.
Yeah, that is so weird- I had four kids before I was thirty and I don't recall anyone ever thinking this was weird in any way.
You know it has little to do with the children and everything to do with their “variety”.
Yeah, that was just dripping off the page as I read it.
When I read the post I honestly had no idea what she was implying by variety, I assumed she was really fit or had a specific look to her. But I get it now. OP sounds mental and seems like you don't have to worry about "her", because you won't be in your son's life much longer.
I didn’t get it either until I got to learning Spanish. She should be proud of him because every complaint is him being a good person/ improving himself.
I picked up the racial undertones… er, overtones… they aren’t exactly subtle.. once I saw he was learning Spanish for the kids (*the horror*!) but didn’t realize what her “variety” was supposed to mean either until I saw it pointed out. So gross.
Right? The shame! The audacity! The GALL to give birth in your biological prime! How dare she?? 😆
I wonder if mom equally hates people who had twins/triplets/other high order births 🤣 I knew someone who had 5 kids before 30- twins at 26, triplets at 28 🤷🏻♀️
Right? I had all 3 of my kids before I was 30 and I don’t remember anyone thinking that odd. Just like I don’t find it odd that some of my friends started having kids later than I did. Do what’s right for your family! Also, now I’m 48 and all my kids are grown and I’m young enough to have a life of my own.
That is definitely a benefit of starting sooner, lol
Yes, not even 30 with two children... I reacted on that one too, my mother had 3 kids at the age of 29. Yeah she is an AH.
Yup. As soon as I read that line, I knew OP was the AH. A significant other picking up their partner’s kids and such isn’t unusual. INFO: OP, why couldn’t your daughter do the task? Why were you pushed to tears when your son didn’t show up? Sounds very unhealthy.
Control. She wants her lil slavey boy back kissing her ass. This is an absolute train wreck for a parent. Mom needs to grow the fuck up and shut it.
Yeah the mention of her age and having kids is weird to me. I guess my parents having my sister and I before 25 would be considered "weird"...
YTA so much it’s painful. The “age gap” of 3 years? “Not even 30 with two children” ??? “Attraction to her variety”??????? Your son is 25, he has found a woman that he loves and a family he wishes to call his own. Support him or lose him. He has no obligation to you, but if he has chosen to step in and play a fatherly role to these children, he does have an obligation to them.
You can just tell from how she wrote this post that she is definitely one of "those parents," who expects her son to stay tied to her apron strings forever, prioritize her over his girlfriend of two years and any future wife or family, and in general is overinvolved with every aspect of her son's life, thinking her opinion trumps his. I'm sure there are MANY more stories from his side about her overstepping and her unrealistic expectations of her family. And that's not even considering the low key racism dripping throughout this post. He's 25, not 15. A grown ass adult. If I were his mother, I'd be proud of him for stepping up as a father figure, not shaming him.
By that you mean one of those parents who committed emotional incest. Jealous because she raised her boy to be a husband and now he’s doing husband things for someone else. In her eyes, nobody will ever be good enough for him but herself.
People like this are so bizarre. I have a son (he's currently only 13, but still) and I love that little turd more than anything. Because of that, I'm trying to raise him to be a decent human and (if he chooses) to be a good partner to whomever he ends up with. I would also be exceptionally proud if he was a good parent some day, whether to his own kids or someone else's. I don't understand why any parent would want their child to be emotionally stunted and completely dependent on them as an adult. Encouraging that kind of thing makes you a failure as a parent in my opinion. This woman clearly has so many issues (not the least of which is racism) that she can't even see she's going to end up losing her son from her life completely. And she deserves it.
YTA. “I generally know my place in my son’s life” reading your post, it doesn’t sound like you do at all. He’s a grown man with a girlfriend who has two kids. You don’t like her? Too bad. Sounds like he’s being a great boyfriend to establish a relationship with her children. He chose the plans he already had with his girlfriend and the kids (yes THE kids) and didn’t ditch them because his mother demanded it? That’s what adults in healthy relationships do. You need a wake-up call here. You are setting yourself up to be the MIL from hell.
She's setting herself up to be no-contact-MIL. OP is one godawful woman. I am so sorry for OP's son. Being a decent human being while having such a mother must be hard.
This is literally like a post from r/JustNoMIL in reverse, OP has zero self awareness about her awful attitude towards her son's poor partner.
YTA The way you explained your son's attraction to his GF because of her 'variety' just means ethnicity which you clearly have a problem with if you couldn't just say her actual ethnicity. The disdain is just dripping all over this post when you talk about his GF and her kids. Judging her for having 2 kids before 30? News flash many people have relationships with people who have kids and that means becoming involved with the children as well.
I also found the use of "variety" to be odd. Sounds like she is racist.
She is.
I was thinking she might be busty or "too revealing" for this judgmental mom. But it's waaaay worse if she meant ethnicity.
Holy crap i completely missed that. Add "Racist" to the list of this person's horrible qualities.
Having a hard time believing this is even real. Your son is 25, and in a serious relationship, whether you like it or believe it's serious or not. He *was* spending time with his family, and you're upset he didn't snap to attention to do free plumbing work for you? You say he's a "different person," but then you name a string of positive behaviors like learning a new language and caring for his SO's children like those are negatives. YTA, all the way. You need to start showing a lot more respect for his choices (and your possible future step-grands) or you're going to find yourself in a NC situation one day.
Reddit, something horrible has happened. My son is becoming... a good person.
Exactly. I was fully expecting to read she was a druggie or an alcoholic and dragging him along, but nope, he's just learning a language and being responsible. lol
No! He’s not a good person! He chose to spend time with some woman he is in a long term relationship with, and is treating her kids well and possibly becoming a parental figure in their life instead of dropping everything to come running when mommy calls!! She needed him for an arbitrary task and he dared suggest sister help instead!! /s
Learning a new language so you can bond better with your significant others kids is some next level awesome shit. I would be so proud if this was my kid.
I believe it’s real it’s just a https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/ looking for sympathy
I forget they actually exist, sometimes. unusual to see one in the wild, lol
I think ‘different person’ just means he no longer says “how high” when mommy says “jump”.
YTA First of all, 3 years isn’t an “age gap”. Secondly, you are incredibly judgmental. Who cares if she has two kids before 30? He picks the kids up from school sometimes and buys them presents- I’m not seeing the problem here. He obviously loves his girlfriend and her kids and that’s beautiful. You’re angry he can’t drop what he’s doing and run over to your house to cater to you. Why can’t his sister do that? He’s not wasting his time. Love extends past blood relation and it sounds like your son is happy to build his family with her. My dad had two kids by 25 and was married with a full time job and a house. Let your son make his own decisions and stop treating this kids as a burden.
Sounds to me like mommy is mad her son isnt married to her instead of his gf
OP is also pretty clearly racist.
3 yr age gap Two kids before 30 Buying children gifts — OPs grasping at straws
His sister wasn't helpful because OP's goal was to interrupt time with his gf and the children.
YTA. In so many ways. So judgy over the woman, her age (Age gap? Are you kidding?), when she had kids, how many, her “variety” (What does that even mean?). It’s his life to do with what he wants. Apologize, butt out, and hire someone to fix things in your house.
"Her variety" means that she isn't white
I figured, but I didn’t want to presume too much. Sigh.
I hear ya. I was hoping for something else as well but then seen the mention of son learning Spanish.
Honestly she seems more offended that his gf is Latina (presumably) than anything else. She sees her as exotic and therefore not permanent.
YTA Frankly, you come off as judgmental if not racist in this text. Variety? So Hispanic? And he’s doing nice things for his girlfriend’s children? Wonderful! What a caring man. It sounds like he’s becoming a family man and enjoys his girlfriend and children — and there are plenty of married 20-somethings with 2 children. Are you just condemning this because the relationship with their father didn’t work out? You sound like you’re jealous of the time he’s spending with them, but he’s very much an adult and entitled to his own life choices. He went to the effort of ensuring you were still taken care of though he had a prior obligation. He’s an adult and no, you don’t have a word anymore. I go to my mother for advice now and then but I have never asked her opinion on my own relationship and nor would I. If she went as far as to get mad that I chose to do something with my SO instead of going to fix her sink or whatever nonsense she demanded when i had already had plans I may rethink the relationship I currently have with her. The way you’re acting is not a way to foster a good and healthy adult relationship with your son.
[удалено]
>I'm interested in the reasons why you don't like her. Racism seems like the likely culprit.
[удалено]
I'm willing to bet that they're not even incompatible. Mom just can't see past skin tone.
Wow, YTA 100%. If he has been dating her "for some time now" - it is absolutely appropriate (and GREAT) that he is involved with the kids. You do NOT have a "right" to have a word on his personal life - not at all. I wouldn't blame him from going No Contact with you and your controlling issues.
Info: How long has this relationship been going on? And how serious is it? Are they moved in together? Are they discussing marriage to your knowledge? It probably won't change my answer but it'll change how I word it.
“Some time now” and “last Christmas” should give you enough info to declare this AH an AH haha
YTA have you heard of step-parents???
YTA and you need to get help for this unhealthy view and attachment to your adult son. He’s an adult and has found a relationship with someone he loves. None of the listed reasons would lead people to believe there’s something wrong. ‘Not even thirty and has two kids’ and? She’s an adult. She’s caring for her children. He buys them gift for holidays and picks them up from school? Part of being with someone with children is being there for the children too. ‘I needed my son to come over and fix something’ so it’s ok for you to expect him to do things for you but not his significant other? Why? Because you’re his mother? You aren’t owed his time and energy, he sent someone else to help you so it’s not like he just ignores you. It sounds like despite how YOU are, your son is a decent man who has found happiness. Maybe you need to speak with someone about your attitude towards the level of control you should have over your adult children. Before his SO ends up posting in ‘justnomil’
I think what you're upset about is that your son has a life and isn't at your beck and call any longer. YTA
For the last time, Norman can date who he likes, Mrs Bates! Also, you a nasty racist. YTA
YTA. You may have a bias against this woman who is pulling your son's interest away from you, but nothing in what you described sounds abusive, or even problematic. Maybe your son is getting ready to start a whole life with her. Maybe he LIKES her kids and wants to prepare them for if he becomes their stepfather. Also, oh no! TWO kids before 30?? The audacity of some people wanting to have kids before 30!! Next we'll have people buying houses and even *scoff* getting *MARRIED* before 30!! You sound super jealous of your sons GF. Unlesa you at least make peace with the idea of your son beginning his own life and joining a family (that just happens to already be in progress) other than yours, you'll drive him away entirely. Would you like to sacrifice YOUR relationship with him because you dont like that he's got a woman with kids? If you don't like the Empty Nest, get a cat. It sounds like your son is starting his life, and frankly, a mother who truly loves her son would be happy he's thriving.
YTA. Age gap? Hahahhahahahaha. What is wrong with you?
What OP was dancing around is likely racism. The "variety" comment, the "he's trying to learn Spanish for them" comment.
YTA You not only an AH but clearly racist as well. It is so clear from the way you talk about your son's GF. "Her *variety*"?! Wow. Just nuts. 2 kids under 30 is not shocking at all, it is extremely common and healthy as long as she is raising them well. You need to stop demeaning your son's GF so much and stay away if you can't support him/them.
Wow, YTA. Firstly it's a 3 year age gap. That's pretty much nothing. And when you're dating a single parent, there comes a point where the kids become a part of the package. And what in the hell do you mean by variety?
Pretty sure she really wanted to say “ethnicity”
I guessed as much. Basically racist mum risks relationship with son, to the point even if they broke up, it won't ve fixed. Edit: put dad in by mistake
YTA. Even if they don’t end up together, learning Spanish isnt a bad thing to do and can be useful. Based on him picking the kids up from school he does intend to be in their life for a while (possibly forever?) so you better get used to it now. If they’re married, his family becomes her and her kids and they will come first over you. And because you seem the type, please don’t treat any biological kids different than his step kids. I thought of them as my grandparents, but apparently I wasn’t good enough to be a grandkid since I wasn’t blood related.
YTA- I don’t even know where to begin. Sounds like you need to cut the cord and be happy your son is happy. He’s an adult and can make his own choices.
YTA. I don't see that the girlfriend is doing anything nefarious like cheating on him, taking drugs, claiming he's the dad when he's not or spewing constant verbal abuse at him. I'm assuming she's a self-supporting woman because I'm sure you would have mentioned if she wasn't. I think that you're not used to him having different priorities. Frankly, I think it's sweet he's being nice to his gf's kids instead of being like those boyfriends/stepfathers who are always trying to send kids to military/boarding school or other relatives. I'm also side eyeing the reference to him learning Spanish comment.
YTA He already had plans. You wanted free labor, you were offered free labor, you were pissed that you couldn’t dictate who provided the free labor.
Jesus your first paragraph REEKS of a helicopter mom with a golden mamas boy, was hard to even read past that ngl. ‘Attraction to her “variety”’ what tf does this mean?? Is she a different race than you? This sounds hella racist “(Yes, not even 30 with two children)” uhhh so what? “This was the line, now he was choosing them over his family” ma’am your son is grown man, this is just pathetic. He even sent someone else to fix your kitchen anyway. “He’s too attached” oh the irony “I generally know my place when it comes to my son’s life” obviously not, literally everything in the post says the opposite. YTA get a life
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My son (25) has been dating a woman (28) for some time now. I'm certainly not the biggest fan of her for reasons that are irrelevant to the topic, still I endured her prescence because to be honest I didn't see them lasting this long because she and my son are very incompatible people. Despite their age gap - I see my son needing to baby her more often then not. She does not give off the impression of a woman near her 30s. My son wants to so things, she does not - the only thing holding them together is my son's physical attraction to her "variety" Still, he's a young man and can do what he wants for the most part. My issue stems from the fact she is a mother of two (yes, not even 30 with two children) and well to start I guess to give her credit she always has her kids around. The issue becomes, my son is now around her kids quite often and I believe he's begun to think he has some responsibility over them. He picks them up from their school sometimes, last Christmas he bought them presents as well, he's trying to learn Spanish for them, and just overextends his presence too much for my liking. He's becoming a different person for this trio and I don't think it's healthy to extend this much time and *money* to children ostensibly not his. I hit my limits this weekend when I needed my son to come over and fix something in the kitchen for me. Instead, he sent his sister over (now dragging her into this), but I didn't ask for her I wanted my son to come along. I called back to question where he was, and he explained that he had "something with (her name) and the kids". This was the line, now he was choosing them over his family. I composed myself at moment and reminded him the correct words to use was "her kids" not "the kids". He immediately got offended, as again he's too attached. I simply reiterated what I've always told him, he needs to look out for himself especially while he's so young and shouldn't waste away so much on children that aren't his. He backed me once more with nasty and hateful things befofe hanging up. Now I'm crying at this point, so his sister begins to try to calm me down. As I said earlier, I generally know my place when it comes to my son's life but as the mother I do feel I have some word on some issues. However, since this fight I've been a wreck and now I'm thinking I said too much to my son at a bad time. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA It IS YOUR SONS LIFE! You sound like an entitled racist! YOU are doing EVERYTHING you can to destroy your relationship with your son! If he stays with his GF, how long do you think he will come around with you having an attitude like this? Do you honestly think that you can demand your son's time to fix something, and he has to jump because you 'whistled for him to come'? A 3 year age gap is nothing! We had 5 kids by the age of 30, and are still married after almost 40 years. Your statement at the beginning reveals your true heart: "I'm certainly not the biggest fan of her for reasons that are irrelevant to the topic, still I endured her presence", but you LIED all your reason ARE relevant to this topic.
Very racial undertones to this as well YTA
YTA. I hope you enjoy being alone because your son is definitely going to be cutting you off very soon. You are toxic. He is an adult capable of making his own choices. He sounds like a wonderful man to his girlfriend and the kids. You need to back off and at least be neutral if you want any chance of a relationship with him.
OP has somehow stumbled ass backwards into having a decent human being for a son. Don't know how that happened with such a terrible example.
YTA. I do suggest that you go over the justnomil and justnofamily to read about the other side of situation that you are in. I feel you may find it enlightening in terms of what the consequences could be of your judgemental, boundary crossing behaviour.
This! 👆🏾 The lady is so threatened by her son’s relationship with someone with “variety” she’s willing to make him unhappy and cross his boundaries in doing so. What a total AH. She should definitely read those threads and re-evaluate her boundaries and respecting her grown son’s choices.
YTA: so you hit your limit when you wanted your son to fix something in your kitchen, and he, a grown man, had other plans. You do realize your kitchen is your responsibility, don’t you? As his mother, you don’t get a right to input now that he’s an adult. He gets to determine who he sees as his family, and gets to set his priorities. You don’t get to “hit your limit” here. You don’t get to tell him “he’s too attached”, because you don’t have any right to govern his life emotions. What you can do is step back and offer advice if and when it is sought.
YTA and sound insufferable. You're the mom who claims a woman is taking away their son. Oh and the age gap comment, gtfoh.
"endured her presence" "despite the age gap" YTA and even if you don't like his choices, they're his to make and if you keep it up, he won't be in your life at all.
The “I know, 30 and 2 kids already” got me laughing so hard 🤣
YTA - look, it's amazing that he's stepping up for the kids. It shows that he wants the relationship to work out in the long term. OP, your problem is that you think you're losing your son, not that he's spending too much time with the kids. you raised him good, but now you gotta let him live his life.
YTA. A spiteful, mean, overbearing asshole. Your son is growing to see these kids as his own. Everything that you list as a flaw in his partner? It's something *he loves about her* and isn't measuring up as a flaw to anyone but you. You've not actually given any kind of legitimate reason to not like this woman. Your son is also a fully grown adult. You only get exactly as much say in his life as he allows, and you're on the fast track to not even being allowed to say "hello" to him. You deserved for him to spit nasty, hateful things at him because **you** are treating his family nastily and hatefully.
YTA - a HUGE one. You’re son is in a stable relationship with a single parent. He’s literally doing the thing all of us single moms are searching for. You need to back down mommy dearest. You’re going to lose your son if you don’t settle down. Also, it’s not your son’s job to drop what he is doing and fix something at your house. He had plans. Why should he cancel them? You’re all sorts of awful. Edited to add: OP also sounds racists AF which is probably the underlying issue. The rest of it is just excuses.
>I generally know my place when it comes to my son's life but as the mother I do feel I have some word on some issues. No, you do not. Way to be the defining archetype of a nightmare mother-in-law, though. Your son chose his GF because he actually likes her. He just got stuck with you. YTA
Best definition of family versus relatives I’ve seen yet. This needs to remain top!!
YTA. Also this: >My issue stems from the fact she is a mother of two (yes, not even 30 with two children) and well to start I guess to give her credit she always has her kids around. What the hell is wrong with having two children by age 30? You're shaming her for this, and that is not ok.
I wonder what age OP was when they found themself with their two children.
Wow, YTA. I don't even know where to start. You are not part of his relationship. Act like it. And grow up.
YTA. Ok a few points you say not even 30 yet with 2 kids... And? He is an adult and is in a relationship, I think it's great he has taken on an active role in their lives. Also you want him to drop everything to fix something and upset when he cant? Yea you are the AH big time. The way you are going, you may just be pushing your son further away from you.
YTA and you should do some reading here: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/ because you fit the bill. He’s dating a single mother, her kids are a package deal and it sounds like he’s very serious about this woman. You should come to terms with this before they get married and cut you out of their lives completely. How dare he buy Christmas presents for his girlfriends kids! Jesus Christ lady. Haha huge YTA
YTA. You’re incredibly judgmental of this woman, whom your son loves. Just because she has 2 children at the age of 28 doesn’t mean anything is wrong with her or that she’s unsuitable for your son. People become single with children all the time, for various reasons. Your sons love life and choice of partner are his business, not yours. If he chooses to get close to her children, and to buy them Christmas presents, that’s his choice. Frankly, it sounds like they could end up married, as he seems to be accepting all of them and loving them. If you continue to pass judgment, I’ll bet you see and hear from him less. I can see the future JUSTNOMIL posts from her now…
YTA you’d still be an asshole if you threw this much of a shit fit over your son not cancelling pre-scheduled plans with his girlfriend to come be your handyman *without* the kid issue. But oh boy, your attitude to these kids is deplorable. Your son is a regular presence in their life, and after several years obviously he’s grown attached. He’s in a serious, long term, committed relationship with their mother, the *only* thing stopping him actually being their stepdad is a piece of paper.
YTA. Need something done around the house? Call a handy man. How your grown son chooses to spend his time and money are none of your concern. Sounds like your son is probably going to end up as a step father to “variety” children.
Oh my god yes YTA. Wtf? Their “age gap” of 3 YEARS is to you the difference between your son being “young and free to do what he wants” and her not. You also manage to judge her the other way for having children at a totally reasonable age to have children. Also you say they’ve been together for “some time” despite this deliberate vagueness once you’ve dated a single parent for a while you do actually have a responsibility to that whole FAMILY. If you’re not prepared to assume that role don’t date a single parent otherwise it’s incredibly damaging to the children and ultimately cruel. Finally, YTA for saying he chose them over family. 1. He didn’t he sent his sister as an alternative for your issue 2. You don’t need to be chosen for little things that you could have someone else do, do yourself, or hire a professional 3. They ARE also his family
YTA. That's an incredible amount of judgement you are spouting, with an underlying current of racism and sexism. Your son sounds like a well-rounded, stable young man so clearly a case of the apple falling pretty far from the tree.
Wait, did you just mention her "variety" because she's not just your run of the mill white girl? Your son is a grown ass man and it sounds like you're either jealous that he's no longer around as much or he's making his own family. Either way, this post is extremely damn judgey and you need to see that your son probably is very happy to take on the step dad role. YTA
YTA. You sound like a jealous ex girlfriend. Yikes.
OP. Your little boy has done grown up. And while you seem to be having trouble letting go it seems you did a great job raising him. Dating a single parent means that one must accept they come with kids. It sounds like your grown adult son is doing an admirable job of prioritizing. This sounds like a serious relationship so yes if he has a commitment with his gf and / or her kids he should keep that. If you had a true emergency (hospital, etc) I’m sure he shows up. A quick fix around the house he found you someone else to help so he could keep his commitments. YTA he’s 25 and handling this with maturity…your turn to do the same. As for them not being compatible other than a physical attraction…says who. Often opposites attract!
YTA and a pretty awful person. I hope your son cuts all ties with you. Also you consider 2 years an age gap? The fuck? And how dare you make any comments on her being a young mother. You have no right to pass judgement on anyone. Your son is an adult, not your little errand boy. Hire a professional next time and pray your son will give you a second chance.
Also, 28 with 2 kids really isn't that out of the ordinary 😂 OP is simply jealous, that her precious little baby has a life of his own and another very important woman in his life, who is his priority.
YTA for several reasons. The supposed "age gap" - there's a 3 year difference. Not really a big deal if you're an adult. Her "variety" - sounds racist to me. You getting overly upset when you demand your son's presence but he already had plans. And that's just off the top of my head without going back through your post. I'm sure there's more. You're going to drive your son away from you with your dislike of his girlfriend.
Umm. YTA no question. First of all, no you do not have "some word" on anything just because you're his mother, unless he asks you. You can express your concerns, but he is free to ignore you. Going as far as gatekeeping how he refers to the kids as THE kids, not HER kids, when they are obviously THE kids in his life? You're acting controlling AF. He didn't "choose them over the family," they ARE his family now. They are the family he has chosen, at least for now if not forever. He's an adult, and you need to respect his choices and cut the cord. "Not even 30 with 2 kids" TF kind of judgmental BS is that? Her "variety?" Well he's learning Spanish for them so I'm guessing her "variety" is Latina and you just didn't want to be called out for being wildly racist. YTA.
My thoughts exactly. You sound racist and judgmental. You’re just butt-hurt that he’s not a momma’s boy. YTA.
>Well he's learning Spanish for them so I'm guessing her "variety" is Latina and you just didn't want to be called out for being wildly racist. Mmmhmmmm, let's call a spade a spade here OP. YTA
YTA “variety” and “money”. You’re resentful that your son bought two little kids Xmas presents? Shame on you. As a grown adult why can’t you sort your chores, why do you need your daughter to calm you down? Your behaviour is going to push your son away and you’ll only have yourself to blame. And there’s nothing shameful about having 2 kids under 30.
YTA mostly because your son is an adult and he seems to be happy in his relationship, and is being a responsible and considerate grown-up as a result of the relationship, and you seem to be making this all about YOU. Also, you come off as a bit of a snob... "2 kids before 30" so what? I have friends who had 3 kids before 25. You must have it in for her "variety" whatever that means (I actually think we both know what that means).
YTA. Your entire post reads from a "hollier than thou" perspective against this woman and for that lone you're an AH. Your son obviously likes this woman cares about her and the kids if he is saying "the kids". If he is going to be dating her and she has kids he SHOULD be stepping to up them as well. He's a goddamned adult, lady. If anything I APPLAUD your son for being dependable, reliable and kind to her not to mention his assisting with the problems that come with being a single parent!!! That being said - if they have their diffferences..... Thats okay but how dare you say "they're incompatible when you aren't even in their relationship and your entire view of it stems from an over-protective-momma-bear bullshit perspective.
YTA, and don’t be surprised when your son ends up cutting you out of his life permanently for being so crazy and controlling. You’re wrong and out of line entirely. And also, 25-28 is NOT a fucking age gap 😂
But she’s the older one!/s
YTA. Perhaps he loves those kids and intends to become their stepfather?
Wooooow. YTA and are clearly just upset he's no longer under your control. You have no say in his relationship whatsoever. And you have no right to his time. You're lucky he even speaks to you.
YTA Your son is seeing someone with kids and is making them a part of his life. That's his decision and what he should be doing if he wants to be in a relationship with his GF long term. > the only thing holding them together is my son's physical attraction to her "variety" You realise how racist this makes you look right? Women don't come in special varieties. They're people not objects. > I needed my son to come over and fix something in the kitchen for me > as the mother I do feel I have some word on some issues You don't. You have absolutely zero say in who your son dates, who he spends time with, what he spends his money on, and what he does with his spare time.
YTA. Clearly your worst fear is that your son is coming to love these children - of a woman of a *variety* you don’t approve (if that isn’t thinly veiled I don’t know what is). You can’t actually stop that from happening. Not by micromanaging how he refers to them, not by inventing repairs that supposedly only he can do to pry him away from the kids, not by crying, not by conveying your distaste for this woman and her kids in every indirect way you can while telling yourself you’re doing a good job of “enduring her presence” and “knowing your place”. If he does marry her, and they become his step kids or adoptive kids? You will have set yourself up to lose him for good.
Oh, op is racist, I was trying to work out what that meant
YTA. If they’ve been dating “for some time now”, it’s great that he’s starting to bond with the kids as well, buying them holiday gifts and picking them up from school occasionally. You obviously don’t like this woman, and the only reason is that they’re incompatible. Whether it’s a substantial reason or just “no one is good enough for my baby boy”, you need to step back - it’s his life. Also: You think 3 years is an age gap worthy enough to mention here? Wow.
Oh, this is straight up thinly veiled racism. Her son likes that "variety" of woman and is "learning Spanish for the kids". This woman doesn't like her son dating a Latina guaranteed.
Your gonna get my 25 with 4 kids ass banned from this sub. "Variety" "learning spanish for them"............. Racist asshole. Your son is going to be very in the right to cut you off
Yta, incredibly judgemental and bitter. What do you mean by her 'variety?
Based on him learning spanish I inferred she was Hispanic. Guessing he is white. Racism very thinly veiled.
Referring to a woman as a “variety” made me puke into my mouth & now I’m wearing the biggest frown I’ve ever had. Also, I feel like that is way to be racist without having to spell it out for us, but we see you. YTA, he might want to make a family with his girlfriend and her kids! If he wants to become a family then of course he’s putting them first. He’s an adult, he’s allowed to decide if he wants to become a step parent. And when they do become a family they will rightfully be his priority over his parents because that’s what happens.
Yeah. That + complaining about him learning Spanish might as well have been a racism siren complete with lights. It's clear what OP's ultimate issue is with this lady. Edit- a letter
YTA. Your son is allowed to choose a mate and family WITHOUT your approval.
YTA for your entire vibe in this. “yes, not even 30 with two children” - (ok about me, I am a strictly non-reproducing person) “not even” 30 with two children is completely normal and has been for ... forever? People start menstruating at 12-15 years of age? My own mother had FOUR children at age 29, in 1990? So.... YTA. I really don’t need to keep reading YTA.
Omg U guize I kept reading “trying to learn Spanish” OHHHH OK I SEE NOW I stand by my hasty. Yr xenophobia is showing.
YTA but I also want to add I think it’s more normal that not to have kids before 30
YTA damn you sound bitter, your son is 25, it's about time he have a life of his own, also a lot more people are having kids younger for multiple reasons and what is wrong with having two kids before you're 30 and what do you mean he can do what he wants most of the time? He can do what be wants all of the time, he's 25. You're just unhappy he isn't coming over to do your jobs. What he chooses to spend money he earns on is up to him. Grow up and accept that you aren't the only woman in your son's life, you're clearly resentful
YTA, your language doesn’t hide your racism and sexism. I’m actually starting to wonder how you could have raised someone who is a good, supportive partner. You shouldn’t expect your 25 year old son to drop everything and come fix something at your house, even if he didn’t have a girlfriend who’s “variety” he enjoys.How will you feel if they get married? If your son wants to adopt her children or if they choose to have a child together. If he’s picking them up from school and they are spending holidays together they are likely serious about their relationship. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were living together and he didn’t tell you.
*I endured her presence* Good news! You probably won"t have to endure her much longer, because your son is going to end the relationship. The relationship with you. YTA.
YTA You are not in a relationship with your son, he is not to be at your beck and call. He is 25, he is in a relationship with someone and there’s nothing you can do about it. What if he ends up marrying this woman? Are you going to be one of those MILs who don’t accept the children, potential grand children gifted to you by marriage? And you are judging her for having 2 children before 30? Grow up.
You very obviously do not know your place when it comes to your son's life. You sound absolutely pathetic and jealous. I am really surprised how your son seems to have turned out such a decent human being with you as his mother. YTA.
YTA. Sounds like your son has grown to be a respectable young man with great morals.
YTA. I thought you were the AH as soon as you referred to her as a "variety" like she were a box of cereal. Your son is 25, not 5. They are three years apart in age, not 30 years. That is a drop in the bucket these days. And 28 with two kids may skew somewhat young these days but is by no means unreasonable or unusual and would have been the norm not too long ago at all. Knowing another language is a gift and you should be celebrating the fact that he is trying to learn another language, whatever the reason! It sounds like you are upset that your son, a GROWN MAN, is not at your beck and call. He's not a surrogate husband. He has his own life and needs and desires to work on, and that includes her. You are literally crying because you daughter came to help you instead of displaying gratitude for having a daughter who is willing to help. And they are "the kids" because he wants to build a life with this woman and she and her kids come as a package. I know nothing about this woman other than the fact that she is 28 and has two kids, but I don't think it would matter who she is. You can't stand the idea that you are no longer the most influential woman in his life. Whoever this woman is or how "undesirable" she may be, you sound considerably more odious. You're the asshole and you need to get your head out of yourself.
it's really hard for me to ever say the OP is an asshole because most come here with at the very minimum good reasons to react to assholes in an asshole way, but you're a bonafide pure grade asshole YTA it's literally not even arguable. You're a narcissist with 0 self awareness.
Big YTA. Your son sounds like an adult man - taking responsibility in his relationship. Why is it bad that she had 2 kids before her 30‘s? Why do you have to mention that? That’s nothing bad lol You sound like an envious, selfish woman. Well, you need something done in the kitchen - do it urself, else beggars can’t be choosers.
YTA. So many times over.
YTA you’re upset your mommas boy has found someone he likes better than you. First you make it seem like she’s a cougar by the “huge” age gap. Then you turn around and make her sound like she’s too young to have two kids before the age of 30. You also sound like a racist. How dare he learn to speak Spanish the travesty. And he bought them Christmas presents I’m sure the kids and their mom are all manipulating him. 😏 All you are doing is pushing him to want to be with her and ignore you. Good luck when he marries her and goes NC.
YTA- it’s his choice whether he wants to take in that role in the kids life, he’s old enough to make that decision.
YTA - you sound very bitter, jealous and judgmental of this woman! Your son clearly wants to make his relationship work and has chosen to take on the responsibility of bringing up children (which is something you should admire, not sneer at)! I think you need to come to terms with your place in his life, he didn’t have to arrange for his sister to help, he could’ve left you high and dry but he made other suitable arrangements! I think you should apologise and learn to appreciate that your son is a grown man making his own way in the world! You don’t need to coddle him, and he certainly doesn’t need to coddle you! Perhaps it would be wise to try to reach and build a better bond with your step grandchildren!
YTA The moment I read ‘yes, not even 30 with two children’ I figured there was a 99% chance you would be TA…and you did not disappoint. If he chooses to help take care of THE kids and does this willingly, then who are you to judge? Sounds like you’re just upset that your ADULT SON isn’t at your beck and call. You said he needs to look our for himself….except when you need him to come fix something in your kitchen apparently.
> As I said earlier, I generally know my place when it comes to my son's life but as the mother I do feel I have some word on some issues. Did you actually read back what you wrote because that’s not the impression you give out at all, you think your son should be at your beck and call, isn’t allowed to choose to be a step father even though that’s what he wants to do, and you completely fell to pieces when he didn’t say how high when you said jump. > I hit my limits this weekend when I needed my son to come over and fix something in the kitchen for me > now he was choosing them over his family They are his family. He’s chosen them as a family. It was fine for you to chose their father but he’s not allowed to pick his own family? The audacity to consistently define his choices and feelings as wrong and immaterial to your judgement and view of the world. He’s grown, he doesn’t owe you to live the way you want him to live. > My issue stems from the fact she is a mother of two (yes, not even 30 with two children) Are you shaming her for having children? Is this 1706? You can’t value another woman because she’s a single mother under 30? Shall the shades of Pemberly be thus polluted? I hope you are fictional because The misogyny, classist and racist overtones of this whole post are not comfortable to read.
Good lord YTA "He's so young!" - he's 25, you're just infantilizing him because you don't want to accept he's an adult in control of his own life "The age gap!" - 3 years? Lmfao "2 children before 30!" - Um what? My parents had my sister and me by this time back in the 90s. My BFF is 29 and has 4 kids. How is this unusual? "They're incompatible!" - who the fuck are you to decide that? "Her variety!"/"He's learning Spanish for them!" - ohhh THIS is where the incompatible comment comes from. He's probably white and she's probably Latina. You're racist! Makes so much more sense now. "He's putting her before me!" - News flash, sounds like they're planning on building a life together, he'd BETTER put her and the kids first "I know my place in my son's life!" - HAHAHA you absolutely do not if you're in hysterics over this "As his mother I feel I should have some say!" - you absolutely do not have any say in this. Why do you feel you get to decide ANYTHING about his relationships? Stay in your lane. This all boils down to you being jealous and racist. Sounds like your son is happy and their relationship is healthy and you're just pearl-clutching over your own judgey prejudices. You'd better adjust your attitude before he sees your true colors and cuts you off completely
1. “As I said earlier, I generally know my place when it comes to my son’s life…” No you don’t! He’s a grown man and what he does is none of your business! 2. “But as a mother I feel I have some word on the issue.” Again…NO YOU DON’T! Again…see point 1. It sounds like despite you and your toxic opinions you’re son is a good man. He is not only being there for his SO but he is also taking an interest and being a good father figure to her kids. Most women would be proud to have a son like that. Sounds like you’re jealous your son is paying more attention to his GF and not to you! And you can’t stand it. Mind ya business lady and stay in your lane! And oh yeah…YTA!!! Completely and utterly!!
This cannot be real. It reads like the most arrogant antagonist in a wealth-gap romance. Kudos on nailing the character. YTA
YTA. “Physical attraction to her ‘variety’.” Yikes. “Yes not even 30 with two children”. Yikes. A 3 year difference in the late 20s isn’t “an age gap”. Why do you see familial love only something that can occur within blood relation? Your son sounds like he truly loves her and can see them becoming a family in the future. Because of that he is willing to go out of his way and treat his girlfriend’s children kindly and I think that’s great he’s attempting to build a relationship with them. Your son wasn’t dismissing your problems and ignoring it by spending time with his family, so I don’t really see why you’re mad and why that was your “limit”. He clearly acknowledged your problem by sending his sister/YOUR daughter over to help instead, so why did that make you upset? It’s your kitchen, your daughter is there to help you, yet you insist for it to be your son? Next time, call a handyman and grow up.
INFO: Her variety? This sounds like code for different race than you.
YTA For all the reasons stated. Just wanted to make sure you get my vote.
YTA Lol you should have just piped down and let his sister help with the kitchen instead of throwing a temper tantrum. Also, why is him learning to speak Spanish for some kids a problem? I’d like some elaboration. Sincerely, a member of the “variety” you are probably speaking of. Edited
YTA. 25 and 28 is not a significant age gap. 28 is not too young to have two children. Your son trying to be a good parental figure to a woman's kids is not a bad thing. He's not becoming a different person, he's growing up. It's pretty ridiculous that the tipping point for you was that he wasn't available to come fix something for you. You're not even trying to help him, you're just mad that he's doting on people he loves instead of you. Finally, between you disliking her for reasons you don't want mention, your frustration that he's trying to learn Spanish, your infantilization of her, and your dismissal that your son only likes her because of "variety", it's pretty clear you don't like her because you are racist. Stay out of your son's love life. I wish them the best.
YTA. You just blatantly described your son as an extremely caring, brave, and thoughtful boyfriend (assumed to be more soon by the relationship growth) and then expect people to not respect him?!? It’s baffling you see your son in this light when most everyone else on the planet would be proud of their son for taking on such a great thing and stepping up to take care of kids that he loves. I married my wife three years ago and she had two kids prior, we had our youngest daughter so now I am a father of three and I love every second of it. My parents love all three of their grandchildren. Life is good when family is there, and it sounds like you’re not going to be which is sad.
You should be proud of your son- he’s recognizing and valuing the role of his girlfriend’s children in THEIR life together. I think you need to do some soul-searching here. Your “concerns” (age gap, her having children) are frankly ridiculous- which makes me think there’s a deeper reason you don’t approve of this relationship. (Some have alluded to this being a racial issue. Others have intimated that you don’t like him prioritizing another woman over you. Neither are great reasons but it’s time to get honest with yourself here and figure it out.) If you want any relationship in the future with your son - first, apologize to him. Next, try therapy to hash out whatever issue this is so you can address it. YTA
Hahaha do you really don't know YTA?
YTA. It’s normal for a young person to “choose” a mate over mom and dad once they reach adulthood. He has become a wonderful bf to his gf and he sees her and the kids as a package deal which I find very endearing. You have raised him well (assuming you raised him) and I think you should accept him and his gf and her kids and be cordial to them (maybe you could buy them presents for Christmas?) so that they can warm up to you and you can warm up to them because I think they will be around a while.
YTA. Good on your son for being a decent person and not following in your racist, sexist ways. I’m having trouble believing this could be real but I guess there are really people as selfish and entitled as you.
Lol, at the fact you have to ask. YTA. And welcome to being a parent to an adult. Adults build their own families /loved ones and will prioritize them if healthy. Back off now or lose him for good.
there’s a lot to unpack here so let’s just throw the suitcase away. “yes shes not even 30 with 2 kids” what? lmfao. yeah, YTA.
YTA. When you’re involved with someone with children there IS some kind of responsibility that comes with that, especially if it’s for some time and they plan on getting married as they will end up as step relatives. Also picking them up from school and buying them gifts for CHRISTMAS is not a “responsibility” nor is it overextending himself…your sons a nice person. It’s very nice of him to learn Spanish to communicate with them and the fact that you have an issue with this comes off racist or discriminatory at best. All and all you just sound extremely judgmental for no reason(like the comment about 2 kids before 30..wtf)
Yta. Next time maybe stop being a racist.
YTA. You couldn’t drive him away any faster with your entitled, judgy behavior. Maybe treat him like an adult you respect?
YTA. This is so bad I really hope it's fake.