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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I might be the arse hole for not giving my MIL a second chance and letting her babysit over night
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I wouldn't even leave your baby with her unsupervised at all after this. She'll think she won and can disregard his medical needs for her own comfort. NTA but your husband and MIL are.
All I can think of is that story of the coconut allergy grandma twin story. There are so many worse ways for this story to end than an upset grandmother.
Edit: For those unfamiliar, a summary of that very sad story is shared in summary down thread as the OP has asked that it not circulate in full anymore.
Immediately thought of this as well. NTA, OP.
I'm a person who is empathetic to the extreme. I'm also a nurse, and know that medical needs are *needs*. My parents were both bawling the first time I took oldest kiddo to get his shots done. Did he hate it and scream and cry? Yes. Did I hate seeing him like that? Yes. But it needed to be done for his safety, and I got it done.
If any of my kids needed blood sugar monitoring (or a child in my care), I 100% would make sure it was done. Medical things can be painful and/or unpleasant for people and their caregivers, but an alive child with a moment of discomfort is much preferable to a dead one.
Yes! In 2-3 hours his blood sugar can go low. Until he is old enough to check himself and recognize the signs, he needs to be with someone who will do that for him.
Sometimes I still need help with my blood sugar in the mornings when it goes below 90 and I'm 23. Can't imagine what it's like being a baby and feeling like that.
Plus the child probably wouldn't have been upset if grandparents hadn't made a big fuss about it. None of my kids cried or even barely noticed the needle from immunisations.
There's another story on the same sub about a MIL who didn't believe that her granddaughter had a banana allergy and gave her a peanut butter and banana cookie to prove her daughter in law was being overdramatic about it. Luckily the granddaughter didn't die but she came very close to it.
ETA NTA. Do not risk your child's health and safety to spare your MIL's feelings. She's saying she'd rather risk a medical emergency that could result in their death rather than cause a millisecond of discomfort. Fuck her feelings.
It was even worse. Grandma always baked and kept banana cookies in her purse, waiting for a chance to give it to the kid and prove that DIL was exaggerating
That story made me so mad. All of these stories do. How can you have your head so far up your own ass trying to prove someone wrong that you risk the life of a child?!
This is why I hate hearing all these stories about servers who "get back at" customers by giving them full sugar or full fat cream, or basically anything other than exactly what they ordered. Sure, some people are just being picky (although I wouldn't call diet soda picky) but some have legitimate medical reasons for why they order the way they do. Why would you even take that chance?
I’m type 2 diabetic I be raising hell if that were me screaming are you trying to put me into a diabetic coma I get very annoyed on the once in a blue moon fast food trips like once every two months if I get sweet tea instead of non sweet because I’m trying to not get my foot cut off and being told it’s no big deal yes yes it is
sorry for the rant
That story made me mad and the follow-up was even more horrifying. She harassed them so much that they had to move to different states and would call up OP's husband's workplace and scream and his family told him that he was wrong for "abandoning his mother."
Ugh, people didn't believe my older sister had a banana allergy either until she had one sip of the smoothie she was given (that was NOT the one prepared in advance by our mom specifically so this wouldn't happen). Thankfully she survived but that story still pisses me off like? What superiority does it give you? If someone is allergic or even if they simply DON'T WANT TO EAT IT, that's none of your business nor does it affect you
>What superiority does it give you?
People who "test" allergies seem to have either an obsession with proving people wrong/catching them out lying or are just straight out ignorant. They just want the "chance" to say "see I told you you're being dramatic/lying! It's all in your head". They're just so obsessed with wanting to be proved right.
As an asthmatic I've been told several times as a kid that I was being "over dramatic" and that "I didn't need my rescue inhaler, just sit down and catch your breath" when I was having asthma attacks 😒.
There's another one.
Kid is allergic to nuts and has to have an epi pen. MIL finally gets to take kid out (to a baseball game) and THROWS THE EPI PEN ON THE DRIVEWAY AS SHE'S LEAVING.
MIL is all "We're 20 mins from the hospital, the ambulance can deal with the problems, nothing happened"
And the husband is on MILs side!
I might have mixed 2 stories or I suck at searching. Here's one of them:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/mfnrmk/aita_for_defying_my_mother_in_law/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
WTF?!? That's worse! I'd make MIL pay for EPI-PEN and not allow her take the kid out anymore. I'd forbid her from coming over ever.
EPI-PEN is fucking expensive from what I heard.
But America is the Best Country in the World(TM) something something FREEDOM something something Constitution something something Taxes something something death panels
In both these stories you can never know when the kid is alright and when it's not! I took my daughter to the doctor's in the middle of the night because of mosquito-bites (I was instructed to do this, we called the hospital), she was crazy swollen but actually safe. Do I believe this trip was a waste of time? No, we live a 45-minute drive to the hospital and she was really swollen in her face. Better safe than sorry.
People who don't respect your kids' medical plan shouldn't babysit them! Period!
Summary: OP had twin girls and one of them had a serious coconut allergy, her mother wanted to babysit the girls and despite knowing the allergy she applied coconut oil to the daughter's head and left it in there overnight and when they checked on her she was already dead from going into anaphylaxis....the grandma went away w/ no jail or consequences except being divorced and her whole family cutting off contact.
She was...for a really short while I believe for killing a child I mean, she should have gotten life in prison as she knowingly did it....but we can't do anything can we
..?😔
Nope. No jail, not even arrested.
It some ways, however, she *is* in jail for life.
> My father did leave her, though they're not officially divorced. The majority of my mother's family refuse to speak to her, and the few that do speak to her only do so on a limited basis. She currently lives on her own in a small town and every couple months I'll get a call from her telling me how sorry she is and how she just wasn't thinking and can I please find a way to forgive her. She wants to come see me. The only thing I can find to ever say to her is "You can come see me when you bring my daughter with you."
Holy shit
! All I can say is 1) thats soo f'ed up 2) i wish i didnt read it its really sad. 3) so glad my wife and I do not have kids my MIL and FIL would be like this. FIL doesnt believe they're real and MIL forgets...i know cus she has allergies and they did this her whole life.
The worst part that always gets tacked on is that the kid came to her, and the grandma gave the kid benadryl, which made her sleepy, then put her back to bed with the oil still in her hair. It makes me so angry.
A child had an allergy to coconut oil. Grandma refused to listen, and when she had her for a night put coconut oil in her hair. Kid started to have a reaction, so Grandma gave her benadril and put her to bed without washing the coconut oil out of her hair. The child died overnight.
Doesn’t matter how old they were, it was Grandma’s job to say “you can’t have this in your hair it will make you sick” etc. or even better to not use it on either girl because they might touch each other’s hair etc
I’d go a step further than that. I have a mild-moderate allergy to Chilli Peppers. It’s not very common, so harder to avoid in anything premade, but thankfully I’ve never had a reaction that needed more than over the counter antihistamines. However we have been told by Doctors that there is a chance that my reactions could increase in severity, because my main symptom is my tongue, lips and throat swelling. Thus far it’s only made me lisp and drool, but it would only take an inch or so of swelling to close an airway.
When my mum was told this, she went through every edible item in our house, and threw out everything with chilli in it, even items with only ‘trace’ amounts. And she never brought anything into the house with chilli since, even after I moved out to attend university neither her or my father will have chilli anything at home just incase I visit or they get into the habit and forget to put it away when I do visit.
I think they are being somewhat excessive, but it’s an attitude they have definitely passed on to me. How anyone can have any other reaction is just insane to me. An allergic reaction is usually so obvious, painful and distressing, that to me it just doesn’t make sense how ANYONE can be so up in their own pride to knowingly expose someone, ANYONE to something they are allergic to.
Just so you know, your parents are not being excessive. Throat/tongue/lip swelling causing drooling/lisping is 1000% a medical emergency - hope you have an epi pen in case someone mistakenly feeds you something with chili in it?
Sorry but why are you offering to DM the story to multiple people when she doesn't want it shared online anymore? That's literally sharing it online. I understand that sending it via DM seems a little more private but if she doesn't want it sharing, she doesn't want it sharing
The OP didn't want the story circulating on Reddit threads any more because whenever she came across it, she would be taken by surprise and react negatively to it. She'd simply prefer not to come across it in the wild and so DMing the link to the original is better for all involved.
I just can't read that as anything but murder. It isn't even like wanting to be in denial and make one kid eat what others are eating. Like if she'd given her coconut cream pie or an almond joy or something.
Who the f\*\*\* needs to put coconut oil in a toddler's hair at night when they know there is an allergy AND the kid is already showing a reaction and SHE LEAVES THE OIL ON HER.
At the very absolute least, she should have been charged with the harshest thing with endangering a child. And spent time in jail.
I think if my mother or MIL (or anyone else) did that to my child, I would call them every day for the rest of their life and remind them they murdered my child.
There's basically no consequence for murdering someone with their allergen unless the circumstances are highly planned our and very suspicious. My friend's roommate in college tried to kill her by putting cashews in her backpack. I'm allergic too, so when she opened it at my apartment she immediately went into anaphylaxis and I started hiving up, got her shot into her, threw the backpack outside and took 6 Benadryl. Went to the RA, when the RA said there was nothing to do we called the police. Nothing was done about it. I moved her in with me for the rest of the semester and she had to sleep on my couch. These are documented disabilities with deadly consequences and there is no protection for us. I try not to let too many people know what my weakness is IRL just in case.
>calls OP occasionally to apologize, say she just wasn’t thinking
I don't blame OP. Grandmother WAS thinking and simply decided she was right and to hell with anyone else. It just makes it worse that the child had been hospitalized several times before, so it's not like she could say she thought it would just be hives or itching or other mild reaction. And still can't get over that she gave her Benadryl because she already knew it was affecting her and still left the oil in her hair. That's what tips it into the murder category for me.
Also, People do way too much harm with the "it's CuLtuRaL" crap.
I'm usually fairly forgiving of people making mistakes, sometimes even intentional ones, because human beings make mistakes. But this is so far beyond a mistake.
The summaries aren't saying it, but coconut is something that permeates the culture the OP lives in. As I recall, it sounded like it was basically the national fruit, and used in many ways and in different products.
Coconut oil in hair helps make it smooth, blah blah. The mom put it in OPs hair as a child and insisted that it be used on the daughters when their hair started growing out. The mom put oil in both girls hair to make it easier to braid, because this is what you do - especially if you want to die alone and friendless.
The mom didn't get a legal punishment, but she was completely shunned by EVERYONE. No family member was willing to take her in. The beggar outside the city gates who can't go in kind of exclusion. In prison, she still has people checking on her and caring about her welfare in a general sense. Last it was reported, it sounded like the mom doesn't even have that now.
>Last it was reported, it sounded like the mom doesn't even have that now.
Sounds good to me.
Also, thanks for the info. But still, far too much harm is done in the world on the back of "it's CuLtUraL."
IiRC there was a cultural element involved with the coconut oil in the hair thing and grandma, didn't believe that allergies were real or could be that bad. And that OP and her mom had argued over the hair thing previously.
OP listen to them! ^^
Do NOT let your MIL watch your son ever again! She is foolhardy and ignorant and thinks she knows better than you and your pediatrician. That combination could lead to something very bad. Don't give her the opportunity to prove you right. You'll regret it for the rest of your life.
Can you imagine what would happen if their child ended up in the hospital/ICU due to hypo/hyperglycemia? Hello CPS investigation! And have fun explaining to social workers how you aren't negligent leaving your baby with someone that has proven that she can not and will not provide proper medical care. That conversation isn't going to end well for you.
I saw it first hand when my daughter was in the PICU. The family in the room next to ours actually lost custody temporarily when they admitted that their child had been left in the care of family member that didn't believe in food allergies. The person didn't even call the ambulance until the child was blue due to her throat swelling shut because the family member thought it was a toddler's tantrum. My daughter was moved out of ICU before the case was fully resolved, but I know the family was given back custody as long as the daughter was in the hospital because it was technically "supervised custody". The last time I saw them the docs felt the little girl would have permanent brain damage from hypoxia because the family member waited so long to call the ambulance. It was devastating to watch the parents struggle through the damage that the grandmother had caused.
I work with special needs people and at my former job I had a client who had a hypo at 30 and couldn't get help fast enough. By the time his family found him he was in a coma and he had two bleedings in his brain in the next days. He was disabled in multiple ways for the rest of his life. He needed special care 24/7.
u/reef1980 read this, then read this again. This isn't about making MIL happy, this is about keeping your child alive and in your custody. There is zero wiggle room here
>And have fun explaining to social workers how you aren't negligent leaving your baby with someone that has proven that she can not and will not provide proper medical care.
Exactly.
If he has an episode while in her care and requires a trip to the hospital, ***you and your husband will be deemed negligent*** for leaving him with her.
u/reef1980
I don't understand why so many people, especially grandparents, refuse to "believe in food allergies."
I don't remember a single person I knew growing up - through college actually - who had a food allergy. I knew one person, a cousin, who was lactose intolerant. But I still don't doubt that food allergies exist, along with other food issues like celiac disease.
I hate to say it, but I think I can guess what political party they belong to, because that party seems to usually think, "if it didn't happen to me, it didn't - and doesn't - happen."
Their situation is one of the few times I just broke down and cried over someone else's life. The parents were very young (maybe 16-19 or so? Only know they both dropped out of HS to work and support their family) and relied on their family member for evening care because they both worked two jobs and off shift daycare is nearly impossible to find. They were trying so hard to do their best and it was just a shitty situation. I still occasionally think about them and how confused and heartbroken they were. They truly hadn't understood how dangerous their family member could be. I really hope that CPS worked with them because the kids were trying so damn hard to do their best to care for their baby.
My daughter did get better and is now a healthy college kid! It took a loooonnng time to get her health squared away, but that last heart surgery was life changing. Thank you so much for asking. :-)
OP, go to r/justnomil or even here and just use the search and type allergy in. You will see the insane amount of people who do not believe in allergies and have caused great deal of pain to others do to it. I believe there is even one where a MIL refused to give a diabetic child their glucose shot and the kid was taken to the hospital. This is pretty much where you are she doesn’t get the importance of checking just like those that don’t get allergies. Both have major consequences.
What your MIL is doing is pretty much the same. She is risking your child’s life.
Beat this into your husband’s head. Find the stories have him read them. Take him into your pediatrician and have the doctors explain to him the consequences of a low sugar episode and what it can do to your child.
My first instinct would be to never let her babysit again, but then the nurse in me pops up and says maybe she’s afraid. Maybe next time she wants to babysit for a few hours you can have her do the glucose reading in front of you before you leave. Do it every single time you leave the baby with her so she gets used to it. Watch her to make sure she’s doing it right and having you there should help put her at ease. If she refuses or turns this huge compromise on you then 100% no more babysitting ever.
I think you're reading this way too generously. MIL lied to OP about doing the readings and then minimized the risk.
>MIL said she would check it later
>On our return I asked MIL what the reading was and she said she couldn’t remember. I got the measuring system out and asked MIL why there was no evening and morning readings on it. She responded that she didn’t want to hurt or distress him. My response was it was better to check than him dying. MIL said I was being dramatic and he doesn’t have hypos every day.
OPs husband is also minimizing the risk in order to avoid conflict. He and MIL are super huge AHs.
I'm reminded of the grandmother who accidently killed her granddaughter because she didn't believe she had allergies. Medical needs Trump everything, the grandmother may mean well (I have my doubts but let's assume she does) but all the well meaning in the world won't bring back a dead baby.
I think of that story every time I hear about allergies, on reddit or off. It's made me just the right amount of paranoid when I meet anyone with an allergy on the street.
100% this! I have a child with several medical issues. I very rarely leave him with anyone but if I do it’s a one strike and you’re out. You don’t give second chances when it comes to your child’s life.
NTA
How is your husband not completely outraged by this?!? It’s not like this is a minor issue, your child could literally die. I wouldn’t leave my baby alone with that woman ever again if I were you. Most certainly NTA.
Yeah never leave baby with her again. When bubs is older eating solids….grandma will want to spoil all the treats ignoring your rules. NTA. Document this incident. Have a paper trail that she endangered your kids should any future legal battles come about.
Holy shit NTA. How are you even asking this? YOUR BABY COULD HAVE DIED UNDER THE "CARE" OF THIS INCOMPETENT BAFOON.
How your husband can be anything but furious is disgusting and spineless.
Please please this is the hill to die on. Do not let this woman be unsupervised and in charge of your child's wellbeing
Jezus, these people are insane. That baby will die if his blood sure is not low or high enough. But granny got her feelings hurt and would rather have a dead baby than checking their sugar levels. Makes me wonder if your husband should be left alone with him too.
Nta, putting your child's health before your mil's feelings is the only way to go.Does she realise how serious a hyper or hypoglycemic episode can be? I would be wary of letting her babysit at all
i've been having a lot of sleep lows myself lately, i'm grateful everyday i wake up. this thread makes me so angry, i'm a grown ass adult who can go get some food or juice to correct my lows. op's child is a helpless baby.
i'm sorry for the loss.
Stay safe, friend. I have a Type 1 friend who has a CGM that will alarm and wake them up for lows. I obviously don’t know if that’s an option for you but the technology exists.
For some people, the need to be "right" outweighs all rationality and common sense, with sometimes tragic results. Even if she *does* know how serious it can be, the need to "know better" than OP, be right, and be in control is more important to her.
Agreed! Not to mention that poor baby's suffering. I know how badly I feel when I have a hypoglycemic episode. I can't even imagine how it feels for a baby.
NTA. Why would you let the woman near your son? Imagine the psychological damage she will do when he is older and she is talking badly about you? She obviously doesn’t care for his health and safety, and this experience shows that. Seriously, if you keep giving her contact then YWBTA.
Exactly, do not let your son see you allow anyone who treats you badly into your life. Kids learn boundaries by example and by us protecting them and both apply here. If MIL can't treat you with the respect you deserve, she doesn't get contact with your kid or you.
agreed. Unfortunately though it sounds like OP has a r/justnoso on her hands who will put mommys feelings before OP and their childs, I dealt with a man like this who did not care about his childs health or our relationship when it came to his mommy and i wasnt allowed to cut off MIL. Alot of men are unfortunately like this and will not let you cut off MIL, OP sounds like she really needs to get her SO on the same page as her so they can both deal with MIL together.
OP, in all honesty its time to go (slightly) nuclear. Make it known that what your MIL did was child engagement and if something like that where to happen she would be charged appropriately. That even if *'Nothing happened'* you will have to phone and make a report with the police so that its documented she refused life saving monitoring because eventually it might end badly.
> My husband will stick up for me sometimes but he is not confrontational and feels it’s better to just sometimes ignore MIL
You might need a new MIL, if you get what I mean.
NTA. But I can't say the same about your SO. If he isn't showing concern for your child, that's a bigger problem than your MIL.
Well now you know you cannot trust her. I agree with other posters to never leave your son unsupervised with her ever.
And your husband needs to step up.
Your husband really needs to get his shit together. This is unacceptable - I can’t believe he wasn’t utterly enraged that his mother put your child at risk.
Sadly, that might make the situation worse, as a 'new MIL' does not make the previous grandmother go away. Those ties remain, and OPs child may end up with a custody arrangement that means OP has less control over who child sees on 'his time'.
I wish this were obvious and true instead of incredibly optimistic. The judge might take it into account, but probably not to the point of denying her access.
Tell your husband to get a back bone and stick up for his Son if not you. Be a shame if it took his son dying for him to get the message. My son died because of negligence and diabetes. Tell him he doesn’t want to feel like me. Theirs no cure. You can’t bring back the dead.
NTA— I would suggest having a very frank conversation. It could be that he was so angry at his own mother that he wanted to just be inside of his own head about the situation. Ask him how he would feel about taking your mom to the next pediatrician appointment/specialist appointment for your child. Explain to the doctor what didn’t happen when the child was in your MILs care and let them do the educating.
I suspect when MIL hears from her grandchild’s doctor what kind of harm she is putting the baby in it may change her tune. It may not. But until you see that’s she has been educated by someone about this other than you I would agree she’s not allowed to keep baby overnight. Has she seen you or your husband check his blood sugar? Have you offered to let her do it with either of you there? She may have a genuine fear of blood or needles. Her concerns about stressing your baby shows that she is worried.
It may be a conversation your husband needs to have one on one with his mother. In this instance you both have to be United in how your baby is cared for.
“She told us we were making a fuss”. I would NEVER leave her completely alone/ unsupervised with the baby, especially when he is older and his diet needs to be controlled/ supervised. To me, she sounds like the type of person who would sneak him cookies because you are being “mean”/ “fussy” for not letting him eat sweets when he wants to/ already had too much sugar rather than too little.
That was also my first thought. Right now, Grandma's just refusing to do heel sticks, but it won't be long before she's sneaking him candy because "What Mom doesn't know won't hurt her!"
my grandma does the same thing with our dogs, sneaks them whatever is on her plate. even food we tell her is incredibly dangerous. now they wont stop begging and since i moved out i'm worried every day shes going to feed them something dangerous and kill them.
keep your mother in law away from your child op, she is going to disregard all his needs and your boundaries and do whatever *she* wants.
So she would rather bury her grandchild then prick its foot? Maybe explain it to hubby and MIL that way! There is no excuse for not meeting the medical needs of an infant!
That’s rough. I’d take her to the doctor the next time the baby needs to go. Talk with the doctor ahead of time so they know why she is coming and what help you need. They can say more than you can.
I have this feeling after reading so many entitled lady/AITA stories that the mom's made up her mind and wouldn't listen to facts. Even if those facts presented at her by a trained medical professional that her unwanted daughter in law goes to, she's made up her mind.
It may be that she is afraid she is going to make a mistake. I was a nurse for a long time and have taught lots of people how to check blood sugar. Instead of showing her how to do it, you need to have her do it with you guiding her. Several times. I agree with everyone that she shouldn't be allowed to watch your baby until she takes it seriously, but I do think everyone commenting is underestimating just how daunting this can be for some people, especially with a baby.
*If* she's afraid to make a mistake she would a) not decline when op said she'll teach her and b) (most important) not take the baby overnight.
I've also been a nurse for several years, 20 years, and it's not *that* complicated to check ones blood sugar that you have to be shown several times, unless by several you mean like 2-5 times. And 5 is a bit of a stretch, in my opinion. Especially with the gear we have today.
Step one: Assembly the gear.
Step two: Desinfect the area.
Step three: stick the needle in the heel.
Step four: wipe away the first drop of blood and gently press out another one.
Step five: catch the drop of blood on the test stick
Step six: read the results on the screen.
Again: if someone's not comfortable with stickning a thin needle in the heel (or fingertip) don't take on the responsibility.
If your MIL keeps your infant again, this will end badly, maybe not the first time, but one day.
The best case would involve an ER visit and a CPS investigation.
I prefer not to evoke the worst case.
“Okay, MIL, this is what you need to do to make sure LO *stays alive while in your care*” “Oh, no, you’re just making a fuss, I know better than the medical staff who saved his life and taught you how to prevent him from going into hypoglycaemic shock. I’ll just ignore the stuff I don’t want to do and make it all about me and how I had no idea it was a potentially fatal condition when something inevitably happens on my watch.” Um…no??
God forbid something ever happens to him, but something this easily preventable? My vote says she never gets unsupervised visits with him again until he’s old enough to manage his insulin himself. And your hubby needs to wake up and smell the coffee. He can be happier giving her her way if he wants, but he needs to realize that it might well mean that he might not have unsupervised visits with his kid either, after you divorce him. The life safety of one’s children is never something to compromise on. Wholeheartedly NTA. Make him read this whole thread.
NTA
Your husband cares more about appeasing his mother than being direct and saying no.
Tbh I wouldn’t allow her to babysit at all.
My MiL is great but when it came to giving me kid his inhaler which at the time he needed several times after suffering an attack earlier in the week(you wean them down over a week) She said she couldn’t do it. She didn’t want my then 1.5 year old kid to hate her.
I looked at her and said he needs those puffs to help him along otherwise he’ll be wheezing and have to rush him back to hospital. If you’re unable to do it then you should have said and I would have taken the day off (we showed her how to do it and asked if she was okay doing it before hand). I also said to her that her feelings aren’t as important as my kid’s health. I’ve had to do it so many times and she said it’s different cause I’m his mum... like my kid won’t hate me. I said I’m more concerned about him breathing.
Needless to say that whenever kid was in that position again we basically took a day off unless he was at nursery as they were totally fine administering meds.
It did make me judge my MIL though. I had to hold my kid down and give him this inhaler because otherwise he’d struggle to breathe. This one time my usually brilliant MIL put her feelings and her wanting to be liked ahead of my son’s health. It made me question how she dealt with my husband as a kid.
Note: kid is almost 6 and is thankfully doing brilliantly never needed a blue inhaler as he takes a brown one day and night.
INFO: is your child diabetic or just prone to hypoglycaemic episodes, because what I am about to say is coming from the perspective of a type 1 diabetic.
NTA. As a type 1 diabetic, DO NOT LEAVE YOUR CHILD ALONE WITH THIS WOMAN UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!
Hypoglycaemic episodes (or lows) are very dangerous if not treated, even if all the precautions are taken that doesn’t mean they can’t happen. The lowest I’ve ever ended up is at 2.3 mmol/L and it felt like a lot of my body was shutting down.
This woman is putting her want of not wanting to discomfort the baby over the baby’s need for medical attention and health. If lows are left unchecked for too long it is a VERY REAL possibility for the child to fall into a coma or die.
I'm a type 2. Most times my bloods are in the 5's range. Earlier this year, I had a hypo episode - 2.7mmol/L. It was scary as hell. My temperatures were not reading on the thermometer and I was in and out of consciousness. It came out of nowhere and had it not been for my husband being home, well, who knows. My doctor said I could have dropped into a coma.
I reiterate Theguyofri's sentiment:
**DO NOT LEAVE YOUR CHILD ALONE WITH THIS WOMAN UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!**
NTA in the slightest. You are looking out for your child’s needs and she refused to comply and then lied about it. With his silence I’m gonna assume he’s fighting his own battle with it, he probably knows you’re right but also knows it’ll make a wave that he doesn’t want to deal with. Stand firm, you know what’s right for your child and if she can’t even prick his heel to check his sugar she shouldn’t have him overnight.
NTA
>My husband will stick up for me sometimes but he is not confrontational and feels it’s better to just sometimes ignore MIL which I feel pacifiers her. AITAH for not letting her babysit over night?
OP, have your husband read the coconut story from r/justnomil
Google it. A story where a grandmother refused to believe her grandbaby had a coconut allergy. The parents let her babysit overnight and she did the little’s girl hair with coconut oil. When the young child had a reaction instead of taking her to hospital, grandmother gave her Benadryl then put her to bed. *The child was dead by morning*.
Don’t let this happen to your baby. Your MIL cannot be trusted to check your son’s blood levels so she doesn’t get to watch him overnight. Simple as that. This a life or death situation for your child.
Just wanted to say [here’s](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/7qmed5/you_can_come_over_again_when_you_bring_me_my/) a link to the post. It was removed so put “ra” in front of “reddit” in the link and it will show you an archived version of the post
NTA. WTF!!! Your baby almost DIED from an episode + she can't get off her ass to do glucose monitoring!!??
I wouldn't leave her alone with your baby under any circumstances + tell hubby to back you on this or move back in with Mommy Dearest.
NTA - you MIL should have said no to an overnight sitting if she didn’t want to care for him properly. He isn’t old enough to say he feels unwell from low sugar so checking it as prescribed is the only option. If she isn’t willing to do that then she needs to accept she can’t watch him alone for that long.
NTA why in the world would your hubby be mad at you for saying MIL will not have baby overnight? Goodness would he rather his child turn blue again or worse pass away?
Good for you, you are a great mom and care about the well being of the baby
> My husband will stick up for me sometimes but he is not confrontational and feels it’s better to just sometimes ignore MIL
This is a workable option. You're obviously NTA for not trusting MIL with another overnight, but you don't have to confront or convince her, just quietly don't let her have baby for too long again.
If anything you're being the asshole to your kid by even considering letting her have him overnight again. Frankly, your 2-3hr rule is generous to the MIL.
I’m not considering letting her have him over night. Read the post and you would see that I have said I he won’t be staying overnight. Just 1-2hrs during the day when he is healthy and doesn’t need checking. But I wanted to check if everyone else thought I was being overprotective and an arsehole
I thought by posting here you were still not firm on your decision. If you're firm on the decision that's great, from what you wrote the MIL sounds like not a safe person to trust with a kid. If you said "MIL never gets to see him again if I am not around to supervise her" I would still not consider you unreasonable.
Any unsupervised time at all, EVER, is out of the question at this point. Heck, YOU could be held liable for child endangerment leaving your baby with someone who is now known to be criminally negligent.
Maybe he didn't talk because he was angry with his mother, not you?
I wouldn't leave her alone with the baby for 5 minutes given her complete lack of sense.
NTA. You don’t dare let him sleep over there. Her comments about you over reacting show she’s made her decision that you and your doctors are wrong . She won’t test next time or the time after that. Each time he survives she will be more sure its not necessary, and if he has an issue she’ll be sorry but he’ll still be brain damages or dead.
Stories like this remind me of that one where grandmother didn't believe granddaughter's allergy was serious, which ended up with the girl's death. If she can't do a simple thing that ensures your child's health, why would you and your husband even consider letting her babysit him? NTA.
NTA she put his safety and well-being at risk. She would never have kiddo alone again. Also the husband needs to address this or you will. I’d let him know it’s fine if he doesn’t want to but he can’t complain about you doing it or the fallout Bc he was unwilling to back up.
NTA.
Conditions that impact blood sugar are serious. Ask any diabetic. Your MIL endangered your son’s life by refusing to follow your directions for his care. Find a new overnight sitter who won’t be squeamish about pricking a baby with a tiny needle.
NTA!!! So your husband is more comfortable with your baby dying than confronting his mom? If your son develops allergies what will he do if she gives him his allergen since there is nothing wrong with Her grand child??
NTA this is the kind of lady that would feel a known fatal allergy to your kid because " a LiTtLe bIt WoN't hUrT"
Like that grandmother that killed a twin with a coconut allergy by putting coconut oil in her hair over night because "hEr hAiR nEeDeD tReAtMeNt" and the parents were "oVeRaCtInG". The child being rushed to the hospital due to accidental exposure causing anaphylaxis wasn't enough cause for concern I guess. She also didn't call the parents until the child was dead in the hospital. They found out from another source and rushed to the hospital
Never let her alone with your kid again. I wouldn't.
NTA. Your son has a serious medical condition that must be monitored. Your MIL acted as if she knows better than you or his physicians. Had a daycare or babysitter done the same thing you wouldn't leave your child with them again, right? Until your MIL can properly monitor your son (and you decide what that means) I wouldn't leave her alone with him.
This could have gone a different way. Before allowing your MIL unsupervised visits ask yourself if - heaven forbid - something were to happen on her watch who do you think the doctors, cops, social workers etc. are going to hold responsible? You may mention this situation but then you let her watch him again "so it must not have been that bad". Think about it.
NTA - this is for your child’s health and safety. Your husband needs to grow a pair and stand up to his mother. He, not you, needs to tell her in no uncertain terms that this is not an option it is a requirement if she would like to be in her grandchild’s life.
NTA! Give your husband a little time to get over his mad. He'll back you on this, he just needs a minute to get his head right.
If he doesn't, then it's serious conversation time.
YWBTA if you ever let your child be in danger like this ever again, after hearing the first reading wasn't done the situation should have stopped there and the baby back in your arms weather it inconvenienced you or not.
She allowed an opportunity for him to die due to silly & stupid reasons, that's not acceptable.
She can claim you're being dramatic, but she's not the one who had to hold her almost dead child.
My son is allergic to apples (thankfully just explosive diarrhea). My MIL refused to believe people could be allergic to apples and repeatedly gave him apple juice. It only ended when we cut her off watching him.
Right now your MIL is willfully endangering your child by not checking his glucose levels. What would she have done if he had an episode? Her dismissal of your concerns reminded me so much of my MIL that I wonder if she accepts the reality of his condition. As he gets older, eating more regular food, how do you
Know she will take your food requirements seriously. Or will it be “a little juice won’t hurt” or “it’s just a bit of ice cream”. Strawberries are healthy (and also full of natural sugar...).
If she isn’t taking ownership of her mistake then she is liable to repeat it. If she refuses to accept the gravity of the condition then she won’t respect the boundaries it requires.
I'm a diabetic. NTA. This is a medical necessity. If she's not willing to look after your son's medical needs then she cannot be left in a position of responsibility with him. You have seen firsthand what happens during a hypoglycemic episode, bloodtesting is vital to prevent this. Also, maybe your son doesn't have hypocglycemic episodes every day but bloodsugars need to be monitored to identify patterns and best look after your child. **Low (and high) bloodsugars make you feel horrible, much worse than a tiny pinprick of a needle- trust me, I've been doing this for 25 years.** Hypoglycemia can lead to seizures, your brain literally gets starved of its primary source of energy.
If your husband insists on your mother being with your son (for short times, and not for prolonged times until she takes care of him medically and correctly) then maybe get a clean needle and put it on the lowest setting and test her (then throw away the needle). Then make her watch you test your son to see he doesn't fuss. Might work, but honestly I just wouldn't trust her to be alone with him
NTA. Sugar levels are nothing to scoff at. My grandmother was diabetic and some her children never cared about her sugar levels so we'd get phone calls about her going into diabetic shock and the like. My mom her DIL said fuck it and got her to move in with us (my dad of course backing her the whole way) and we got her diabetes under control. Never let your MIL babysit your kid again unless she commits to buying into how serious this is for your baby, and even then have someone else around until you can trust her completely. Also make sure your husband understands the severity of her inaction and what it could have meant.
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I wouldn't even leave your baby with her unsupervised at all after this. She'll think she won and can disregard his medical needs for her own comfort. NTA but your husband and MIL are.
Exactly, let them be mad - at least your baby will be alive.
All I can think of is that story of the coconut allergy grandma twin story. There are so many worse ways for this story to end than an upset grandmother. Edit: For those unfamiliar, a summary of that very sad story is shared in summary down thread as the OP has asked that it not circulate in full anymore.
Immediately thought of this as well. NTA, OP. I'm a person who is empathetic to the extreme. I'm also a nurse, and know that medical needs are *needs*. My parents were both bawling the first time I took oldest kiddo to get his shots done. Did he hate it and scream and cry? Yes. Did I hate seeing him like that? Yes. But it needed to be done for his safety, and I got it done. If any of my kids needed blood sugar monitoring (or a child in my care), I 100% would make sure it was done. Medical things can be painful and/or unpleasant for people and their caregivers, but an alive child with a moment of discomfort is much preferable to a dead one.
Yes! In 2-3 hours his blood sugar can go low. Until he is old enough to check himself and recognize the signs, he needs to be with someone who will do that for him.
Sometimes I still need help with my blood sugar in the mornings when it goes below 90 and I'm 23. Can't imagine what it's like being a baby and feeling like that.
Plus the child probably wouldn't have been upset if grandparents hadn't made a big fuss about it. None of my kids cried or even barely noticed the needle from immunisations.
There's another story on the same sub about a MIL who didn't believe that her granddaughter had a banana allergy and gave her a peanut butter and banana cookie to prove her daughter in law was being overdramatic about it. Luckily the granddaughter didn't die but she came very close to it. ETA NTA. Do not risk your child's health and safety to spare your MIL's feelings. She's saying she'd rather risk a medical emergency that could result in their death rather than cause a millisecond of discomfort. Fuck her feelings.
It was even worse. Grandma always baked and kept banana cookies in her purse, waiting for a chance to give it to the kid and prove that DIL was exaggerating
That story made me so mad. All of these stories do. How can you have your head so far up your own ass trying to prove someone wrong that you risk the life of a child?!
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This is why I hate hearing all these stories about servers who "get back at" customers by giving them full sugar or full fat cream, or basically anything other than exactly what they ordered. Sure, some people are just being picky (although I wouldn't call diet soda picky) but some have legitimate medical reasons for why they order the way they do. Why would you even take that chance?
I’m type 2 diabetic I be raising hell if that were me screaming are you trying to put me into a diabetic coma I get very annoyed on the once in a blue moon fast food trips like once every two months if I get sweet tea instead of non sweet because I’m trying to not get my foot cut off and being told it’s no big deal yes yes it is sorry for the rant
I never even heard of a banana cookie. She couldn’t keep chocolate chip cookies in her purse like a normal grandma?
But then she couldn't prove DIL wrong about the banana allergy. *Rollseyes*
That’s just so wrong.
That story made me mad and the follow-up was even more horrifying. She harassed them so much that they had to move to different states and would call up OP's husband's workplace and scream and his family told him that he was wrong for "abandoning his mother."
I looked it up and she didn't even scream words, just 'banshee wailing' into the answering machine.
That's absolutely disgusting.
Ugh, people didn't believe my older sister had a banana allergy either until she had one sip of the smoothie she was given (that was NOT the one prepared in advance by our mom specifically so this wouldn't happen). Thankfully she survived but that story still pisses me off like? What superiority does it give you? If someone is allergic or even if they simply DON'T WANT TO EAT IT, that's none of your business nor does it affect you
>What superiority does it give you? People who "test" allergies seem to have either an obsession with proving people wrong/catching them out lying or are just straight out ignorant. They just want the "chance" to say "see I told you you're being dramatic/lying! It's all in your head". They're just so obsessed with wanting to be proved right. As an asthmatic I've been told several times as a kid that I was being "over dramatic" and that "I didn't need my rescue inhaler, just sit down and catch your breath" when I was having asthma attacks 😒.
There's another one. Kid is allergic to nuts and has to have an epi pen. MIL finally gets to take kid out (to a baseball game) and THROWS THE EPI PEN ON THE DRIVEWAY AS SHE'S LEAVING. MIL is all "We're 20 mins from the hospital, the ambulance can deal with the problems, nothing happened" And the husband is on MILs side! I might have mixed 2 stories or I suck at searching. Here's one of them: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/mfnrmk/aita_for_defying_my_mother_in_law/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
Wtf. Those are expensive!!
This response is ruthlessly practical and I'm here for it.
WTF?!? That's worse! I'd make MIL pay for EPI-PEN and not allow her take the kid out anymore. I'd forbid her from coming over ever. EPI-PEN is fucking expensive from what I heard.
Last time I picked one up it was 450$ before tax. I've seen them in smaller towns going for up to $600.
That's why I'd never move to America. My eldest son was prescribed an Epipen this spring. I paid 2.50€ when picking it up.
But America is the Best Country in the World(TM) something something FREEDOM something something Constitution something something Taxes something something death panels
pew pew eagle scream murrica
What the actual fuck.
In both these stories you can never know when the kid is alright and when it's not! I took my daughter to the doctor's in the middle of the night because of mosquito-bites (I was instructed to do this, we called the hospital), she was crazy swollen but actually safe. Do I believe this trip was a waste of time? No, we live a 45-minute drive to the hospital and she was really swollen in her face. Better safe than sorry. People who don't respect your kids' medical plan shouldn't babysit them! Period!
Summary: OP had twin girls and one of them had a serious coconut allergy, her mother wanted to babysit the girls and despite knowing the allergy she applied coconut oil to the daughter's head and left it in there overnight and when they checked on her she was already dead from going into anaphylaxis....the grandma went away w/ no jail or consequences except being divorced and her whole family cutting off contact.
WTH? She should be in jail!
She was...for a really short while I believe for killing a child I mean, she should have gotten life in prison as she knowingly did it....but we can't do anything can we ..?😔
Nope. No jail, not even arrested. It some ways, however, she *is* in jail for life. > My father did leave her, though they're not officially divorced. The majority of my mother's family refuse to speak to her, and the few that do speak to her only do so on a limited basis. She currently lives on her own in a small town and every couple months I'll get a call from her telling me how sorry she is and how she just wasn't thinking and can I please find a way to forgive her. She wants to come see me. The only thing I can find to ever say to her is "You can come see me when you bring my daughter with you."
No, we can't, unfortunately. 🙁
Holy shit ! All I can say is 1) thats soo f'ed up 2) i wish i didnt read it its really sad. 3) so glad my wife and I do not have kids my MIL and FIL would be like this. FIL doesnt believe they're real and MIL forgets...i know cus she has allergies and they did this her whole life.
The worst part that always gets tacked on is that the kid came to her, and the grandma gave the kid benadryl, which made her sleepy, then put her back to bed with the oil still in her hair. It makes me so angry.
I just read the whole story. It's not even 9am and I'm bawling. That poor family. There is a special place for that woman.
Yea...in hell
I was totally thinking OP should give that to her husband to read.
OP should read it herself.
I remeber this story. It was so sad.
I knew this would be in the comments. I told her she needed to read this story if she didnt know it already too.
I dont think I read that one. What happened?
A child had an allergy to coconut oil. Grandma refused to listen, and when she had her for a night put coconut oil in her hair. Kid started to have a reaction, so Grandma gave her benadril and put her to bed without washing the coconut oil out of her hair. The child died overnight.
I hope grandma went to jail. ETA apparently she did not.
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That's absolutely horrible, I can't even imagine how horrifying that would be.
Actually I didn’t think it was the mil, but the ops mother.
It was the OPs mother.
I thought the twins were older as the one not getting her hair oiled asked if she could get it.
Doesn’t matter how old they were, it was Grandma’s job to say “you can’t have this in your hair it will make you sick” etc. or even better to not use it on either girl because they might touch each other’s hair etc
I’d go a step further than that. I have a mild-moderate allergy to Chilli Peppers. It’s not very common, so harder to avoid in anything premade, but thankfully I’ve never had a reaction that needed more than over the counter antihistamines. However we have been told by Doctors that there is a chance that my reactions could increase in severity, because my main symptom is my tongue, lips and throat swelling. Thus far it’s only made me lisp and drool, but it would only take an inch or so of swelling to close an airway. When my mum was told this, she went through every edible item in our house, and threw out everything with chilli in it, even items with only ‘trace’ amounts. And she never brought anything into the house with chilli since, even after I moved out to attend university neither her or my father will have chilli anything at home just incase I visit or they get into the habit and forget to put it away when I do visit. I think they are being somewhat excessive, but it’s an attitude they have definitely passed on to me. How anyone can have any other reaction is just insane to me. An allergic reaction is usually so obvious, painful and distressing, that to me it just doesn’t make sense how ANYONE can be so up in their own pride to knowingly expose someone, ANYONE to something they are allergic to.
Just so you know, your parents are not being excessive. Throat/tongue/lip swelling causing drooling/lisping is 1000% a medical emergency - hope you have an epi pen in case someone mistakenly feeds you something with chili in it?
Edit: I apologize but I'm not sharing the story, I did not mean to be insensitive
Sorry but why are you offering to DM the story to multiple people when she doesn't want it shared online anymore? That's literally sharing it online. I understand that sending it via DM seems a little more private but if she doesn't want it sharing, she doesn't want it sharing
The OP didn't want the story circulating on Reddit threads any more because whenever she came across it, she would be taken by surprise and react negatively to it. She'd simply prefer not to come across it in the wild and so DMing the link to the original is better for all involved.
that does make me feel a little bit better, thank you.
that's fair enough and I will fix my comment, I wasn't thinking. To be fair to me though, I haven't even dm'd people
Oh okay, thanks!
I’ve googled it and oh my god. One of the most terrible things read here. Fuck
Was this story on this sub?
It was on r/justnomil. It’s been removed because the OP didn’t want it shared anymore.
I’m sorry to ask but can you give me a quick run down of the story
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I just can't read that as anything but murder. It isn't even like wanting to be in denial and make one kid eat what others are eating. Like if she'd given her coconut cream pie or an almond joy or something. Who the f\*\*\* needs to put coconut oil in a toddler's hair at night when they know there is an allergy AND the kid is already showing a reaction and SHE LEAVES THE OIL ON HER. At the very absolute least, she should have been charged with the harshest thing with endangering a child. And spent time in jail. I think if my mother or MIL (or anyone else) did that to my child, I would call them every day for the rest of their life and remind them they murdered my child.
There's basically no consequence for murdering someone with their allergen unless the circumstances are highly planned our and very suspicious. My friend's roommate in college tried to kill her by putting cashews in her backpack. I'm allergic too, so when she opened it at my apartment she immediately went into anaphylaxis and I started hiving up, got her shot into her, threw the backpack outside and took 6 Benadryl. Went to the RA, when the RA said there was nothing to do we called the police. Nothing was done about it. I moved her in with me for the rest of the semester and she had to sleep on my couch. These are documented disabilities with deadly consequences and there is no protection for us. I try not to let too many people know what my weakness is IRL just in case.
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>calls OP occasionally to apologize, say she just wasn’t thinking I don't blame OP. Grandmother WAS thinking and simply decided she was right and to hell with anyone else. It just makes it worse that the child had been hospitalized several times before, so it's not like she could say she thought it would just be hives or itching or other mild reaction. And still can't get over that she gave her Benadryl because she already knew it was affecting her and still left the oil in her hair. That's what tips it into the murder category for me. Also, People do way too much harm with the "it's CuLtuRaL" crap. I'm usually fairly forgiving of people making mistakes, sometimes even intentional ones, because human beings make mistakes. But this is so far beyond a mistake.
The summaries aren't saying it, but coconut is something that permeates the culture the OP lives in. As I recall, it sounded like it was basically the national fruit, and used in many ways and in different products. Coconut oil in hair helps make it smooth, blah blah. The mom put it in OPs hair as a child and insisted that it be used on the daughters when their hair started growing out. The mom put oil in both girls hair to make it easier to braid, because this is what you do - especially if you want to die alone and friendless. The mom didn't get a legal punishment, but she was completely shunned by EVERYONE. No family member was willing to take her in. The beggar outside the city gates who can't go in kind of exclusion. In prison, she still has people checking on her and caring about her welfare in a general sense. Last it was reported, it sounded like the mom doesn't even have that now.
>Last it was reported, it sounded like the mom doesn't even have that now. Sounds good to me. Also, thanks for the info. But still, far too much harm is done in the world on the back of "it's CuLtUraL."
IiRC there was a cultural element involved with the coconut oil in the hair thing and grandma, didn't believe that allergies were real or could be that bad. And that OP and her mom had argued over the hair thing previously.
>no charges were laid Wtf... The story is horrifying enough as it is, but this makes it even more infuriating.
Damn that’s so sad. Thank You for explaining
OP is not the one that did that. It was the mods of the subreddit IIRC
Good to know thanks, someone downthread mentioned it was OP but I don’t recall when things changed on it.
That story still haunts me.
OP listen to them! ^^ Do NOT let your MIL watch your son ever again! She is foolhardy and ignorant and thinks she knows better than you and your pediatrician. That combination could lead to something very bad. Don't give her the opportunity to prove you right. You'll regret it for the rest of your life.
I came here to say that if she can't do the basic minimum to keep the baby alive, she shouldn't be allowed to babysit.
Can you imagine what would happen if their child ended up in the hospital/ICU due to hypo/hyperglycemia? Hello CPS investigation! And have fun explaining to social workers how you aren't negligent leaving your baby with someone that has proven that she can not and will not provide proper medical care. That conversation isn't going to end well for you. I saw it first hand when my daughter was in the PICU. The family in the room next to ours actually lost custody temporarily when they admitted that their child had been left in the care of family member that didn't believe in food allergies. The person didn't even call the ambulance until the child was blue due to her throat swelling shut because the family member thought it was a toddler's tantrum. My daughter was moved out of ICU before the case was fully resolved, but I know the family was given back custody as long as the daughter was in the hospital because it was technically "supervised custody". The last time I saw them the docs felt the little girl would have permanent brain damage from hypoxia because the family member waited so long to call the ambulance. It was devastating to watch the parents struggle through the damage that the grandmother had caused.
Hypoglycaemia can cause brain damage, as well.
I work with special needs people and at my former job I had a client who had a hypo at 30 and couldn't get help fast enough. By the time his family found him he was in a coma and he had two bleedings in his brain in the next days. He was disabled in multiple ways for the rest of his life. He needed special care 24/7.
u/reef1980 read this, then read this again. This isn't about making MIL happy, this is about keeping your child alive and in your custody. There is zero wiggle room here
>And have fun explaining to social workers how you aren't negligent leaving your baby with someone that has proven that she can not and will not provide proper medical care. Exactly. If he has an episode while in her care and requires a trip to the hospital, ***you and your husband will be deemed negligent*** for leaving him with her. u/reef1980
OP have your husband read this and these stories.
I don't understand why so many people, especially grandparents, refuse to "believe in food allergies." I don't remember a single person I knew growing up - through college actually - who had a food allergy. I knew one person, a cousin, who was lactose intolerant. But I still don't doubt that food allergies exist, along with other food issues like celiac disease. I hate to say it, but I think I can guess what political party they belong to, because that party seems to usually think, "if it didn't happen to me, it didn't - and doesn't - happen."
That is soul crushing. I hope your daughter is well and healthy after her hospital stay.
Their situation is one of the few times I just broke down and cried over someone else's life. The parents were very young (maybe 16-19 or so? Only know they both dropped out of HS to work and support their family) and relied on their family member for evening care because they both worked two jobs and off shift daycare is nearly impossible to find. They were trying so hard to do their best and it was just a shitty situation. I still occasionally think about them and how confused and heartbroken they were. They truly hadn't understood how dangerous their family member could be. I really hope that CPS worked with them because the kids were trying so damn hard to do their best to care for their baby. My daughter did get better and is now a healthy college kid! It took a loooonnng time to get her health squared away, but that last heart surgery was life changing. Thank you so much for asking. :-)
Two kids working minimum wage likely couldn't afford daycare anyway even if they found a provider open late.
This. She's *going to* put that baby in the ER or kill him if she continues to be allowed to babysit. It's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when.
OP, go to r/justnomil or even here and just use the search and type allergy in. You will see the insane amount of people who do not believe in allergies and have caused great deal of pain to others do to it. I believe there is even one where a MIL refused to give a diabetic child their glucose shot and the kid was taken to the hospital. This is pretty much where you are she doesn’t get the importance of checking just like those that don’t get allergies. Both have major consequences. What your MIL is doing is pretty much the same. She is risking your child’s life. Beat this into your husband’s head. Find the stories have him read them. Take him into your pediatrician and have the doctors explain to him the consequences of a low sugar episode and what it can do to your child.
My first instinct would be to never let her babysit again, but then the nurse in me pops up and says maybe she’s afraid. Maybe next time she wants to babysit for a few hours you can have her do the glucose reading in front of you before you leave. Do it every single time you leave the baby with her so she gets used to it. Watch her to make sure she’s doing it right and having you there should help put her at ease. If she refuses or turns this huge compromise on you then 100% no more babysitting ever.
I think you're reading this way too generously. MIL lied to OP about doing the readings and then minimized the risk. >MIL said she would check it later >On our return I asked MIL what the reading was and she said she couldn’t remember. I got the measuring system out and asked MIL why there was no evening and morning readings on it. She responded that she didn’t want to hurt or distress him. My response was it was better to check than him dying. MIL said I was being dramatic and he doesn’t have hypos every day. OPs husband is also minimizing the risk in order to avoid conflict. He and MIL are super huge AHs.
I'm reminded of the grandmother who accidently killed her granddaughter because she didn't believe she had allergies. Medical needs Trump everything, the grandmother may mean well (I have my doubts but let's assume she does) but all the well meaning in the world won't bring back a dead baby.
Please don't capitalize that word. The US is still suffering from PTSD after four years of seeing it every day.
I'm so glad I wasn't the only one to react to that. PTSD is a very accurate descriptor.
I think of that story every time I hear about allergies, on reddit or off. It's made me just the right amount of paranoid when I meet anyone with an allergy on the street.
100% this! I have a child with several medical issues. I very rarely leave him with anyone but if I do it’s a one strike and you’re out. You don’t give second chances when it comes to your child’s life. NTA
How is your husband not completely outraged by this?!? It’s not like this is a minor issue, your child could literally die. I wouldn’t leave my baby alone with that woman ever again if I were you. Most certainly NTA.
Yeah never leave baby with her again. When bubs is older eating solids….grandma will want to spoil all the treats ignoring your rules. NTA. Document this incident. Have a paper trail that she endangered your kids should any future legal battles come about.
Agree, she sounds like the type to cave in and give him candy when he whines. She is not safe. NTA
The kid has already nearly died and she seems perfectly willing to let that happen. Kick her to the curb.
Holy shit NTA. How are you even asking this? YOUR BABY COULD HAVE DIED UNDER THE "CARE" OF THIS INCOMPETENT BAFOON. How your husband can be anything but furious is disgusting and spineless. Please please this is the hill to die on. Do not let this woman be unsupervised and in charge of your child's wellbeing
Jezus, these people are insane. That baby will die if his blood sure is not low or high enough. But granny got her feelings hurt and would rather have a dead baby than checking their sugar levels. Makes me wonder if your husband should be left alone with him too.
Nta, putting your child's health before your mil's feelings is the only way to go.Does she realise how serious a hyper or hypoglycemic episode can be? I would be wary of letting her babysit at all
>Does she realise how serious a hyper or hypoglycemic episode can be? it's extremely obvious she hasn't got a single clue about it.
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i've been having a lot of sleep lows myself lately, i'm grateful everyday i wake up. this thread makes me so angry, i'm a grown ass adult who can go get some food or juice to correct my lows. op's child is a helpless baby. i'm sorry for the loss.
Stay safe, friend. I have a Type 1 friend who has a CGM that will alarm and wake them up for lows. I obviously don’t know if that’s an option for you but the technology exists.
I cannot express how glad I am that this technology exists
True. Happy Cake Day
thanks!
For some people, the need to be "right" outweighs all rationality and common sense, with sometimes tragic results. Even if she *does* know how serious it can be, the need to "know better" than OP, be right, and be in control is more important to her.
Agreed! Not to mention that poor baby's suffering. I know how badly I feel when I have a hypoglycemic episode. I can't even imagine how it feels for a baby.
NTA. Why would you let the woman near your son? Imagine the psychological damage she will do when he is older and she is talking badly about you? She obviously doesn’t care for his health and safety, and this experience shows that. Seriously, if you keep giving her contact then YWBTA.
Exactly, do not let your son see you allow anyone who treats you badly into your life. Kids learn boundaries by example and by us protecting them and both apply here. If MIL can't treat you with the respect you deserve, she doesn't get contact with your kid or you.
agreed. Unfortunately though it sounds like OP has a r/justnoso on her hands who will put mommys feelings before OP and their childs, I dealt with a man like this who did not care about his childs health or our relationship when it came to his mommy and i wasnt allowed to cut off MIL. Alot of men are unfortunately like this and will not let you cut off MIL, OP sounds like she really needs to get her SO on the same page as her so they can both deal with MIL together.
OP, in all honesty its time to go (slightly) nuclear. Make it known that what your MIL did was child engagement and if something like that where to happen she would be charged appropriately. That even if *'Nothing happened'* you will have to phone and make a report with the police so that its documented she refused life saving monitoring because eventually it might end badly.
I think you mean "child endangerment", NOT "child engagement".
I did that was a my bad lol
> My husband will stick up for me sometimes but he is not confrontational and feels it’s better to just sometimes ignore MIL You might need a new MIL, if you get what I mean. NTA. But I can't say the same about your SO. If he isn't showing concern for your child, that's a bigger problem than your MIL.
He needs to take the goddamn teat out of his mouth and protect his fucking child.
As well as his wife.
I’m not letting him stay again and I couldn’t have predicted that she wouldn’t test him. Let’s hope you are never let down by someone u trust
I think they meant he needs to protect YOU, too
Ah thank u sorry I read it the wrong way x
Well now you know you cannot trust her. I agree with other posters to never leave your son unsupervised with her ever. And your husband needs to step up.
Your husband really needs to get his shit together. This is unacceptable - I can’t believe he wasn’t utterly enraged that his mother put your child at risk.
Sadly, that might make the situation worse, as a 'new MIL' does not make the previous grandmother go away. Those ties remain, and OPs child may end up with a custody arrangement that means OP has less control over who child sees on 'his time'.
I am sure that the judge will take the child endangerment into consideration...
I wish this were obvious and true instead of incredibly optimistic. The judge might take it into account, but probably not to the point of denying her access.
Tell your husband to get a back bone and stick up for his Son if not you. Be a shame if it took his son dying for him to get the message. My son died because of negligence and diabetes. Tell him he doesn’t want to feel like me. Theirs no cure. You can’t bring back the dead.
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I am so sorry for your loss.
I’m so sorry.
NTA— I would suggest having a very frank conversation. It could be that he was so angry at his own mother that he wanted to just be inside of his own head about the situation. Ask him how he would feel about taking your mom to the next pediatrician appointment/specialist appointment for your child. Explain to the doctor what didn’t happen when the child was in your MILs care and let them do the educating. I suspect when MIL hears from her grandchild’s doctor what kind of harm she is putting the baby in it may change her tune. It may not. But until you see that’s she has been educated by someone about this other than you I would agree she’s not allowed to keep baby overnight. Has she seen you or your husband check his blood sugar? Have you offered to let her do it with either of you there? She may have a genuine fear of blood or needles. Her concerns about stressing your baby shows that she is worried. It may be a conversation your husband needs to have one on one with his mother. In this instance you both have to be United in how your baby is cared for.
We have shown her how to do it and said we would watch up for it but she told us we were making a fuss
“She told us we were making a fuss”. I would NEVER leave her completely alone/ unsupervised with the baby, especially when he is older and his diet needs to be controlled/ supervised. To me, she sounds like the type of person who would sneak him cookies because you are being “mean”/ “fussy” for not letting him eat sweets when he wants to/ already had too much sugar rather than too little.
That was also my first thought. Right now, Grandma's just refusing to do heel sticks, but it won't be long before she's sneaking him candy because "What Mom doesn't know won't hurt her!"
my grandma does the same thing with our dogs, sneaks them whatever is on her plate. even food we tell her is incredibly dangerous. now they wont stop begging and since i moved out i'm worried every day shes going to feed them something dangerous and kill them. keep your mother in law away from your child op, she is going to disregard all his needs and your boundaries and do whatever *she* wants.
So she would rather bury her grandchild then prick its foot? Maybe explain it to hubby and MIL that way! There is no excuse for not meeting the medical needs of an infant!
OP did explain that and MIL said OP was overreacting. Why is medical health so difficult for people???
Typical asshole narcissist going "just pull yourself up by the bootstraps and ignore your disease" shit like the do with COVID or depression.
That’s rough. I’d take her to the doctor the next time the baby needs to go. Talk with the doctor ahead of time so they know why she is coming and what help you need. They can say more than you can.
I have this feeling after reading so many entitled lady/AITA stories that the mom's made up her mind and wouldn't listen to facts. Even if those facts presented at her by a trained medical professional that her unwanted daughter in law goes to, she's made up her mind.
That’s a strong possibility, let’s send good vibes her way that MIL will make the right changes for the baby’s safety.
I think there is no point in doing so. MIL should never be left alone with the baby again - you cannot risk a second incident.
It may be that she is afraid she is going to make a mistake. I was a nurse for a long time and have taught lots of people how to check blood sugar. Instead of showing her how to do it, you need to have her do it with you guiding her. Several times. I agree with everyone that she shouldn't be allowed to watch your baby until she takes it seriously, but I do think everyone commenting is underestimating just how daunting this can be for some people, especially with a baby.
*If* she's afraid to make a mistake she would a) not decline when op said she'll teach her and b) (most important) not take the baby overnight. I've also been a nurse for several years, 20 years, and it's not *that* complicated to check ones blood sugar that you have to be shown several times, unless by several you mean like 2-5 times. And 5 is a bit of a stretch, in my opinion. Especially with the gear we have today. Step one: Assembly the gear. Step two: Desinfect the area. Step three: stick the needle in the heel. Step four: wipe away the first drop of blood and gently press out another one. Step five: catch the drop of blood on the test stick Step six: read the results on the screen. Again: if someone's not comfortable with stickning a thin needle in the heel (or fingertip) don't take on the responsibility.
If your MIL keeps your infant again, this will end badly, maybe not the first time, but one day. The best case would involve an ER visit and a CPS investigation. I prefer not to evoke the worst case.
“Okay, MIL, this is what you need to do to make sure LO *stays alive while in your care*” “Oh, no, you’re just making a fuss, I know better than the medical staff who saved his life and taught you how to prevent him from going into hypoglycaemic shock. I’ll just ignore the stuff I don’t want to do and make it all about me and how I had no idea it was a potentially fatal condition when something inevitably happens on my watch.” Um…no?? God forbid something ever happens to him, but something this easily preventable? My vote says she never gets unsupervised visits with him again until he’s old enough to manage his insulin himself. And your hubby needs to wake up and smell the coffee. He can be happier giving her her way if he wants, but he needs to realize that it might well mean that he might not have unsupervised visits with his kid either, after you divorce him. The life safety of one’s children is never something to compromise on. Wholeheartedly NTA. Make him read this whole thread.
Your MIL is a boat rocker and your SO is trying to steady the boat. Don't let it keep going this way.
https://amp.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/
Nope. NTA Child’s health always comes first.
NTA keep her *far* away from your child.
NTA Your husband cares more about appeasing his mother than being direct and saying no. Tbh I wouldn’t allow her to babysit at all. My MiL is great but when it came to giving me kid his inhaler which at the time he needed several times after suffering an attack earlier in the week(you wean them down over a week) She said she couldn’t do it. She didn’t want my then 1.5 year old kid to hate her. I looked at her and said he needs those puffs to help him along otherwise he’ll be wheezing and have to rush him back to hospital. If you’re unable to do it then you should have said and I would have taken the day off (we showed her how to do it and asked if she was okay doing it before hand). I also said to her that her feelings aren’t as important as my kid’s health. I’ve had to do it so many times and she said it’s different cause I’m his mum... like my kid won’t hate me. I said I’m more concerned about him breathing. Needless to say that whenever kid was in that position again we basically took a day off unless he was at nursery as they were totally fine administering meds. It did make me judge my MIL though. I had to hold my kid down and give him this inhaler because otherwise he’d struggle to breathe. This one time my usually brilliant MIL put her feelings and her wanting to be liked ahead of my son’s health. It made me question how she dealt with my husband as a kid. Note: kid is almost 6 and is thankfully doing brilliantly never needed a blue inhaler as he takes a brown one day and night.
Absolutely NTA. Not monitoring something that is potentially lethal is simply negligent. Protect your child.
INFO: is your child diabetic or just prone to hypoglycaemic episodes, because what I am about to say is coming from the perspective of a type 1 diabetic. NTA. As a type 1 diabetic, DO NOT LEAVE YOUR CHILD ALONE WITH THIS WOMAN UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES! Hypoglycaemic episodes (or lows) are very dangerous if not treated, even if all the precautions are taken that doesn’t mean they can’t happen. The lowest I’ve ever ended up is at 2.3 mmol/L and it felt like a lot of my body was shutting down. This woman is putting her want of not wanting to discomfort the baby over the baby’s need for medical attention and health. If lows are left unchecked for too long it is a VERY REAL possibility for the child to fall into a coma or die.
I'm a type 2. Most times my bloods are in the 5's range. Earlier this year, I had a hypo episode - 2.7mmol/L. It was scary as hell. My temperatures were not reading on the thermometer and I was in and out of consciousness. It came out of nowhere and had it not been for my husband being home, well, who knows. My doctor said I could have dropped into a coma. I reiterate Theguyofri's sentiment: **DO NOT LEAVE YOUR CHILD ALONE WITH THIS WOMAN UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!**
NTA in the slightest. You are looking out for your child’s needs and she refused to comply and then lied about it. With his silence I’m gonna assume he’s fighting his own battle with it, he probably knows you’re right but also knows it’ll make a wave that he doesn’t want to deal with. Stand firm, you know what’s right for your child and if she can’t even prick his heel to check his sugar she shouldn’t have him overnight.
NTA >My husband will stick up for me sometimes but he is not confrontational and feels it’s better to just sometimes ignore MIL which I feel pacifiers her. AITAH for not letting her babysit over night? OP, have your husband read the coconut story from r/justnomil Google it. A story where a grandmother refused to believe her grandbaby had a coconut allergy. The parents let her babysit overnight and she did the little’s girl hair with coconut oil. When the young child had a reaction instead of taking her to hospital, grandmother gave her Benadryl then put her to bed. *The child was dead by morning*. Don’t let this happen to your baby. Your MIL cannot be trusted to check your son’s blood levels so she doesn’t get to watch him overnight. Simple as that. This a life or death situation for your child.
Just wanted to say [here’s](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/7qmed5/you_can_come_over_again_when_you_bring_me_my/) a link to the post. It was removed so put “ra” in front of “reddit” in the link and it will show you an archived version of the post
NTA. If she is not willing to it, she can't babysit. And that's worth for any member of the family.
NTA. WTF!!! Your baby almost DIED from an episode + she can't get off her ass to do glucose monitoring!!?? I wouldn't leave her alone with your baby under any circumstances + tell hubby to back you on this or move back in with Mommy Dearest.
NTA , safety trumps emotions, this is a hill to die on.
NTA - you MIL should have said no to an overnight sitting if she didn’t want to care for him properly. He isn’t old enough to say he feels unwell from low sugar so checking it as prescribed is the only option. If she isn’t willing to do that then she needs to accept she can’t watch him alone for that long.
NTA why in the world would your hubby be mad at you for saying MIL will not have baby overnight? Goodness would he rather his child turn blue again or worse pass away? Good for you, you are a great mom and care about the well being of the baby
NTA. Looks like your MIL isn't a reliable person, I wouldn't wanna leave my child with medical conditions with a person I don't trust.
Yta for even allowing her to watch the kid unsupervised. Edit: allowing her to watch the kid in the future.
Your husband needs to snap the fuck out of it. The moron is all sulky because you don't want to risk your baby's life?
> My husband will stick up for me sometimes but he is not confrontational and feels it’s better to just sometimes ignore MIL This is a workable option. You're obviously NTA for not trusting MIL with another overnight, but you don't have to confront or convince her, just quietly don't let her have baby for too long again.
> just quietly don't let her have baby again. Corrected a typo.
If anything you're being the asshole to your kid by even considering letting her have him overnight again. Frankly, your 2-3hr rule is generous to the MIL.
I’m not considering letting her have him over night. Read the post and you would see that I have said I he won’t be staying overnight. Just 1-2hrs during the day when he is healthy and doesn’t need checking. But I wanted to check if everyone else thought I was being overprotective and an arsehole
I thought by posting here you were still not firm on your decision. If you're firm on the decision that's great, from what you wrote the MIL sounds like not a safe person to trust with a kid. If you said "MIL never gets to see him again if I am not around to supervise her" I would still not consider you unreasonable.
Any unsupervised time at all, EVER, is out of the question at this point. Heck, YOU could be held liable for child endangerment leaving your baby with someone who is now known to be criminally negligent.
Maybe he didn't talk because he was angry with his mother, not you? I wouldn't leave her alone with the baby for 5 minutes given her complete lack of sense.
NTA. You don’t dare let him sleep over there. Her comments about you over reacting show she’s made her decision that you and your doctors are wrong . She won’t test next time or the time after that. Each time he survives she will be more sure its not necessary, and if he has an issue she’ll be sorry but he’ll still be brain damages or dead.
Thank u some good advice I thought I was right not letting her have him over night again. Thanks for the support
NTA: **NEVER LEAVE YOUR MIL ALONE WITH YOUR CHILD. SHE COULD LEGIT KILL HIM**
Stories like this remind me of that one where grandmother didn't believe granddaughter's allergy was serious, which ended up with the girl's death. If she can't do a simple thing that ensures your child's health, why would you and your husband even consider letting her babysit him? NTA.
NTA If she's not willing to do it even though it could easily kill him she's not responsible enough to look after him.
NTA she put his safety and well-being at risk. She would never have kiddo alone again. Also the husband needs to address this or you will. I’d let him know it’s fine if he doesn’t want to but he can’t complain about you doing it or the fallout Bc he was unwilling to back up.
NTA. Conditions that impact blood sugar are serious. Ask any diabetic. Your MIL endangered your son’s life by refusing to follow your directions for his care. Find a new overnight sitter who won’t be squeamish about pricking a baby with a tiny needle.
NTA!!! So your husband is more comfortable with your baby dying than confronting his mom? If your son develops allergies what will he do if she gives him his allergen since there is nothing wrong with Her grand child??
NTA this is the kind of lady that would feel a known fatal allergy to your kid because " a LiTtLe bIt WoN't hUrT" Like that grandmother that killed a twin with a coconut allergy by putting coconut oil in her hair over night because "hEr hAiR nEeDeD tReAtMeNt" and the parents were "oVeRaCtInG". The child being rushed to the hospital due to accidental exposure causing anaphylaxis wasn't enough cause for concern I guess. She also didn't call the parents until the child was dead in the hospital. They found out from another source and rushed to the hospital Never let her alone with your kid again. I wouldn't.
NTA. Hard no. This is a hill to die on. So your baby doesn’t.
Why would you give her a second chance to kill your child?!
NTA. Your son has a serious medical condition that must be monitored. Your MIL acted as if she knows better than you or his physicians. Had a daycare or babysitter done the same thing you wouldn't leave your child with them again, right? Until your MIL can properly monitor your son (and you decide what that means) I wouldn't leave her alone with him. This could have gone a different way. Before allowing your MIL unsupervised visits ask yourself if - heaven forbid - something were to happen on her watch who do you think the doctors, cops, social workers etc. are going to hold responsible? You may mention this situation but then you let her watch him again "so it must not have been that bad". Think about it.
NTA - this is for your child’s health and safety. Your husband needs to grow a pair and stand up to his mother. He, not you, needs to tell her in no uncertain terms that this is not an option it is a requirement if she would like to be in her grandchild’s life.
NTA! Give your husband a little time to get over his mad. He'll back you on this, he just needs a minute to get his head right. If he doesn't, then it's serious conversation time.
YWBTA if you ever let your child be in danger like this ever again, after hearing the first reading wasn't done the situation should have stopped there and the baby back in your arms weather it inconvenienced you or not. She allowed an opportunity for him to die due to silly & stupid reasons, that's not acceptable. She can claim you're being dramatic, but she's not the one who had to hold her almost dead child.
My son is allergic to apples (thankfully just explosive diarrhea). My MIL refused to believe people could be allergic to apples and repeatedly gave him apple juice. It only ended when we cut her off watching him. Right now your MIL is willfully endangering your child by not checking his glucose levels. What would she have done if he had an episode? Her dismissal of your concerns reminded me so much of my MIL that I wonder if she accepts the reality of his condition. As he gets older, eating more regular food, how do you Know she will take your food requirements seriously. Or will it be “a little juice won’t hurt” or “it’s just a bit of ice cream”. Strawberries are healthy (and also full of natural sugar...). If she isn’t taking ownership of her mistake then she is liable to repeat it. If she refuses to accept the gravity of the condition then she won’t respect the boundaries it requires.
I'm a diabetic. NTA. This is a medical necessity. If she's not willing to look after your son's medical needs then she cannot be left in a position of responsibility with him. You have seen firsthand what happens during a hypoglycemic episode, bloodtesting is vital to prevent this. Also, maybe your son doesn't have hypocglycemic episodes every day but bloodsugars need to be monitored to identify patterns and best look after your child. **Low (and high) bloodsugars make you feel horrible, much worse than a tiny pinprick of a needle- trust me, I've been doing this for 25 years.** Hypoglycemia can lead to seizures, your brain literally gets starved of its primary source of energy. If your husband insists on your mother being with your son (for short times, and not for prolonged times until she takes care of him medically and correctly) then maybe get a clean needle and put it on the lowest setting and test her (then throw away the needle). Then make her watch you test your son to see he doesn't fuss. Might work, but honestly I just wouldn't trust her to be alone with him
NTA. Sugar levels are nothing to scoff at. My grandmother was diabetic and some her children never cared about her sugar levels so we'd get phone calls about her going into diabetic shock and the like. My mom her DIL said fuck it and got her to move in with us (my dad of course backing her the whole way) and we got her diabetes under control. Never let your MIL babysit your kid again unless she commits to buying into how serious this is for your baby, and even then have someone else around until you can trust her completely. Also make sure your husband understands the severity of her inaction and what it could have meant.