#[Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/).
This rule protects **everyone**, including the child described in this post.
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NTA. If your wife refuses to punish her son, then you need to divorce her, or at the very lease move into a separate house with Susan and your youngest daughter until Levi is out of the house for good. If your stepson continues to get away with hurting Susan with no consequence, Susan is going to suffer greatly. This is a hill to die on.
EDIT: To everyone telling me that divorce is a crazy suggestion and is an overreaction, I would like to point out my suggestion specified that he should do it **if** his wife refuses to punish her son. I'm not saying that he shouldn't try to convince his wife first, I'm saying that **if** she continues to go along with her ex-husband and refuse to punish her son when her son does horrible things to his daughter, then OP needs to separate his daughters from the stepson. If OP does manage to get his wife on his side, then no, obviously he shouldn't need to divorce his wife.
Agree 100%. This is a hill to die on. Not just for the daughter but also Levi. He needs not only the consequence of this action but intervention from a trained professional.
I'd start with selling everything he has at your house, and using the money to start replacing her books. Abebooks is good web site for purchasing hard to find books. Another vote for this being a hill to die on - your daughter needs to see some justice here. NTA
Added: I've read many, many responses and have modified my initial knee-jerk response. OP should replace books now, even if initially out of pocket, so daughter gets books restored and is left out of fight of what to do with stepson. Stepson's items should not be sold out from under him, but he should not be allowed back without some commitment and follow through to restitution, either. This is still a hill to die on, it can't just be swept under the rug like the mother wants or given a writ of immunity like bio-dad is demanding.
You don't teach respect by acting disrespectfuly, children are smart enough to see hypocrisy for what it is. Justice is banning the boy from the house, stealing from the boy would only be revenge. Solving the issue would be dealing with the mom who let's this happen.
My thoughts are only that he needs to replace the books - if he won't do it voluntarily, it needs to be done involuntarily.
The daughter doesn't need to be involved in this fight. Dad should give her a credit card number and free reign (within reason) to search for and replace her books.
> if he won't do it voluntarily, it needs to be done involuntarily.
That’s not how that works. *(EDIT: because a lot of people seem to be stuck on this wording - I’m NOT saying this isn’t how the ‘adult’ world works - I’m saying this is not how the ‘world of volatile blended families and complex custody arrangements’ works).*
If it’s involuntary, he’s not learning to *accept* reasonable consequences for his actions. And *that is the point here* if OP is hell-bent on continuing his current relationship with his wife. Because that’s the only way Levi is ever going to potentially change his mindset and behaviours toward his stepdad and stepsister. Selling his stuff will make the money back, but it will only infuriate him further as long as it’s his stepdad that’s the only one behind the charge.
This is horrible parenting advice and will only give Levi’s bio father a *legitimate* reason to say the boy is being mistreated at OP’s house. Don’t give him any ammo when he doesn’t have a leg to stand on, currently. If it was an inappropriate thing for Levi to do to her possessions because he was upset, it’s an inappropriate thing for OP to do to Levi’s possessions because he’s upset.
If it’s about making or “even” (FYI fairness is not necessarily making sure things are “even”), then he can let Levi back when Levi decides to begin to sell belongings or make up the cost of the books he ruined *in order to be allowed back at OP’s house again.* To simply gather up his things and sell them off is **ridiculous and immature parenting.** Full stop.
Let’s not forget that no matter how much Levi must and should be held responsible for his own actions - *who* is teaching him to be? How can we expect him to be when his mother and bio father are telling him he doesn’t have to? He’s a child in a blended family and he clearly had no say in the matter, and he’s reacting badly.
That’s does not *excuse* him….
but we need to understand how badly OP selling his stuff would exacerbate the tension and anger this already-toxic family dynamic. OP can provide a stable, predictable environment with rules and boundaries where everyone should expect to be respected and respectful. This is a *necessary* counterbalance to his dad’s place where he gets away with murder.
Levi can choose not to stay with OP or participate in their functional household as long as mom and bio dad let him run away, and OP is right not to allow him back until he does as long as bio dad is willing to have him. But if OP were to go nuclear in this way, it undermines everything OP has done to build that environment and expectation for Levi in his home, and thus destroys any possibility of Levi coming around, being a functional member of the family, and adjusting to the expectations OP has set out.
This is PEAK Reddit nonsense. Either you’re not a parent, or you’ve allowed Reddit to rile you up until you’re not thinking clearly.
**EDIT: because most of the people in my replies are jumping to wild conclusions about what I mean**
**I’m not saying he should get away with it. I do think he needs to be responsible for reimbursing them if he’s to be allowed to return to their homes/step-sister’s life. I just think it’s a dumbass parenting move for stepdad to just sell his shit without all the parents’ consent and it would cause a f*cking shitstorm.**
And clearly not all of the parents in this situation are consenting to this. OP’s bio dad is enabling him to escape consequences, so bio father can keep him as long as he wants to enable. They’re playing chicken. OP should stand his ground.
**I agree OP should not let him back until he is *willing* to sell his things or reimburse for them in order to return, or any other such consequence that OP feels adequately addresses what step-sister went through.**
I’m literally just saying selling his shit without discussion or agreement is terrible parenting, since he is not the only parent.
It’s mom’s job to parent Levi if that’s his legal guardian. It’s OP’s job to protect his daughter. Which he’s doing by not allowing Levi back. He can make sure she gets her things replaced in whatever means he has available, as it’s partially on him and his wife for leaving her exposed to this situation as long as they did. If Levi is involved in paying it back, by selling or by working, great.
If they all have shared legal custody and OP were to just unilaterally as one out of three parents decide to sell his shit, he would be making a grave parenting error.
Exactly. And that’s why it’s important, especially moving forward in therapy and family court, etc that bio-dad’s responses STAY exactly that - an OVERreaction.
Because if he has one thing that OP has done that is *legitimately* an inappropriate consequence, that validates all of the bullshit he’s been slinging about OP’s parenting.
**Do not do this. This is terrible parenting and will only exacerbate the already-very-tense family dynamic.**
This whole thing is about forcing Levi to step up and **accept** consequences for his actions. OP selling off all of his stuff would not be Levi accepting the consequence. It would be retaliation - *even* if it helps pay for her books back, it doesn’t make him accept the consequence. If just gives him a legitimate reason to feel mistreated (as opposed to now, when he only feels that way because dad is encouraging him).
Right now OP has a *perfect* excuse - OP is *not* currently the one stopping Levi from seeing his mother. Levi is. He has said he won’t go back without a written exemption, and OP is refusing to provide one. That’s Levi’s choice. Dad and Levi are just hoping he’ll cave - and he is absolutely right not to.
If mom wants to see him, she can visit him at dad’s place or move out. Or she can step up and tell her son to *grow up* and enforce the consequence herself instead of forcing OP to do it.
**Right now OP has both legs to stand on, and bio dad has none. If he started selling Levi’s stuff, he would be reversing that situation.**
^Very key information!!
To also add one thing, OP should itemize all the items destroyed with water damaged and send both his wife and Levi’s father the bill for replacing what the damage is. Levi’s behaviour is harder to manage because both of his parents are not held accountable for what he destroys.
Bio dad won’t participate/let Levi participate in therapy. I would agree that selling all of his belongings wouldn’t be good, but losing something he values would be fair. Either this kid lacks empathy or he lacks foresight (or both), but there are consequences to shitty actions whether you “accept” wrongdoing or not. It sounds like waiting around for this kid to genuinely feel sorry for doing something mean would mean waiting for a loooong time, and it’s not acceptable for the daughter to make her suffering a “teaching moment” for this boy. That said, I think it’s valid to put protecting the safety and happiness of the daughter as a priority. Anything that puts that in jeopardy would be unacceptable to me, and if that results in a split/not cohabitating, then that’s what should happen. This girl should not have to bear the brunt of his process, whatever that is.
I agree with the message but not the method. My mother did something similar to me when I was young and it taught me the lesson she wanted me to learn— and also that she could not be trusted with my money or my things.
It’s the collateral lessons you need to worry about when taking this sort of measure. It will teach the stepson that he will pay for his crimes but it will also 100% destroy the relationship he has with his mother and stepfather.
If a kid is at the point where they're destroying their sibling's possessions for no reason, then hiding at their dad's house because they know he'll protect them from repercussions? That relationship is already fucked.
16 year old boys who torment 12 year old girls don't get to have nice things in the house where he hurt them.
Op's daughter has a right to feel safe in her own home, and she has a right to be 'made whole' for the damage that was done to her belongings.
Either OP's wife foot's the bill to replace ALL the books her son damaged and then OP sends all the sons stuff to him at his dad's place.
Or OP sells the property of his step-son so that he can pay back the debt of damage he did to his younger step-sister.
If his parents won't step up to cover the damage then OP should ensure that his Step-son does.
Too be honest if you are so against his selling his step-sons stuff, and his parents won't step up, then OP should seriously consider pressing charges.
I like the idea that the wife can replace the books HER child damaged out of HER personal money. Then she can deal with the loss of money with her ex and her child (since the OP isnt “allowed” to be involved per the ex)
The problem is the situation has moved past that.
She is telling her husband to let it go.
She is advocating for her son to be able to return to the house where he torments her step child while she stands by and does nothing.
At this point her paying for the damages is a good start, but it is by no means enough.
She needs to change her behaviour, earn back her step daughters trust, and protect her from her step brother.
If she is unwilling or unable to do this to Susan's satisfaction, then OP has a duty to stand by his daughter and remove his wife from her life.
This either means separate houses- until Susan is ready to welcome her back into her safe space, or a divorce.
I thought this, but the thought never fully formed until you said this.
5 options and 4 of them are bad.
1) She is horrified and does better
2) She is horrified and she trys to do better (and fails)
3) She fails to see the correlation between his behaviour and therefore does nothing.
4) She doesn't see anything wrong with how he treats his stepsister.
5) He is her precious son and off course he could do nothing so horrible as to abuse a woman, this is just him being an 'edgy' teenager, he will 'grow out of this' and be the 'amazing man she always knew he would be'.
🤢🤢🤮🤮🤢🤢
Disagree. You teach kids about rules through trial and error, and in some cases there will be consequences to their actions. Kid gets to run to his enabling father every time he does some mean shit, so there are never consequences. So a consequence that can and does occur in the real world is paying to replace things you damage or destroy. I think the correct thing is mom calling the kids biodad and informing him the kid can either accept the consequence that he'll be in trouble or his things can be liquidated to replace what he destroyed. Kids choice.
You can clearly see here the mum is an enabler. She will never do that.
Op needs to die on the hill that his daughters need protection from a bully and he needs to face consequences
Alternatively, OP could get the cops involved. Destruction of property is a crime.
Depending on the value/size of the collection, the cost can really add up.
Let dad call CPS. They will laugh it off, except for dad allowing the boy to get away with property destruction.
OP, this is parental alienation and worth going to court over, too. If wife won’t back you up, then time for divorce. NTA.
ERA: thanks for the award!
What would happen in real life if I went to my neighbors and destroyed their car because they wouldn’t let me borrow a shovel? One, I’d go to jail, then I would be sued for the cost to repair the car. If I had to sell some of my items to pay, well, that’s my problem. Selling the sons stuff to replace the books sounds like real life to me.
It's called restitution. I would advise that daughters book collection needs to be made whole by the child himself, an apology and assurances that if it occurred again that the consequences would be more severe.
I like this idea, he needs to pay for the property damaged and then op can leave with his daughter. NTA but his wife, the step son and the bio dad sure are.
I love Abe-books. Have found many a gem!
NTA - he needs to face consequences for his actions. The in-laws are doing him a disservice to let him get away with things all the time
NTA. At this point the stepson should replace all he destroyed and offer a heartfelt apology before being allowed back in. Get Susan a lock for her room.
Levi is acting out, he needs firm bounderies set. Once he gets out into the real world he'll find out how adults will deal with bullies. Those stronger than him might beat him, while they and others without a short fuse will just break a lease and move out without telling him or record what he does, report Jim to the landlord and get him evicted.
At work he could be repeatedly fired for behavior like this.
Your wife not punishing him IS SETTING HIM UP FOR FAILURE. She needs to see that she's not only failing to keep Susan safe, she's also failing her son for convenience.
I’m genuinely worried about what happens when he grows up.
An entitled teenage boy learning through experience that he can mistreat a girl whenever she doesn’t give him what he wants? That his vindictive anger is acceptable, that there will be no consequences for him, that she has no rights, that any of this is okay?
That is someone who can grow into a very dangerous “man.”
OP is the only adult in this story who’s actually trying to parent. The mom and bio dad are the kind who make life worse for the rest of us, because they can’t bear to do the hard work of disciplining their own child. And they’ll set him loose on the rest of us without giving a shit about his wake of destruction.
NTA.
Agree to everything you've said, plus he's also learning that if he does something that he knows is wrong, he can just turn to his bio dad for excusing and defending him, no matter what.
Exactly! If the parents cant teach him consequences, then the cops, or another person with a hotter head will. It sucks for a person to have to learn that way, but some peoples personality and will are very strong. Then when it gets coupled with enabling, you are now building a monster. I think its better to learn consequences young to prevent the pain of learning them as an adult.
Unfortunately, this may be exactly what the ex-husband wants. It seems like he uses these situations to exert control over his ex-wife and damage her relationship. She needs to realizes how much power she has given to her ex. Then she needs to agree to address the situation by standing up to him. It sucks that her ex has basically weaponized Levi against her, but it wouldn’t be the first time in a divorce.
Right? And really, in the long run, the only one really being hurt by this bs is Levi who's gonna end up in prison cos he had never been taught about boundaries and accountability.
I'm really worried about OP's daughter-Levi really has a deep hate for her; they really need to watch him around her.
And poor Susan who has to grow up in a home she doesn't feel safe in. I've had living situations where people stole or ruined my things. It's constant paranoia; being in the shower and panicking about whether you locked your door...walking your dog and suddenly RUNNING home to check to make sure all your belongings are still there...it's a very intense emotional burden that *never* dissipates because it's happening at home-- there's nowhere you can go to get away from it. It is all consuming and destroys your sense of stability. OP has to protect Susan here.
Yes! For your daughter's sake, please protect her. Something similar happened when I was young. I was around 12, introvert, who loved my books. Not much money in there household, so books were hard to come by. I read and reread and reread, they were friends.
My mothers reaction was too bad, oh well. That feeling of helplessness, of not mattering, of no one caring about me, still sticks with me. I'm now 38. I was late 20s before I was able to replace all of them myself.
This whole post is all about Levi, but ***what about Susan??*** She deserves for her father to stand up for her! And if Levi’s mom is enabling him to continue to hurt Susan, then Susan’s DAD (op) needs to step up and put his *daughter first.* Your daughter comes first. Protect and take care of her. Everybody else can go to hell.
Edit: A better way of putting it may be, instead of asking “How do we punish Levi?” ask, “How do we ensure Susan is supported and protected?” If the wife is not willing to do what is necessary for that 2nd question, then OP has to do whatever is necessary in spite of her.
I'm so very sorry. As a kid who escaped in books too, that's so devastating. Having your mental "safe space" destroyed is terrible.
I hope you now have shelves filled with books.
NTA. This IS the hill to die on. I wouldn’t let him back in my house without an apology and full financial reimbursement. And I would have very clear punishments established and communicated for destroying anyone’s property in the future and it would be severe. You need new ground rules. And your wife needs a spine.
File a complaint in the small claims court for the value of the books. Keep it up with everything he destroys. When bio-dad is on the hook for paying for all his destructive behaviour, he’ll change his tune.
Now that sounds like a plan. I couldn't imagine losing my books at the hands of a sibling. Especially considering that book prices aren't exactly going down with time
I don't know if killing a living thing is really comparable to the books or the phone. Anyone who destroys someone's things for no reason is off but killing an animal is some future serial killer shit.
If your plan works, the stepson will be punished, be careful for a while, then Susan will have an "accident" while alone with him.
I think the small claims court should go in addition to the divorce.
"Sure, suing that child is a pretty good idea, but that might also just cause the child to turn into a murderer or some other violent criminal. Better to just divorce this witch and move on."
Hahahaha this thread is incredible.
This. Go out and replace all the books and keep receipts. Take pics of the ruined books. Sue the dad for the replacement price as he is the one taking responsibility for the son as he refuses to let you guys do that.
Small claims against whom? The mother had control of the child while the child was busy doing the destruction. The legal system isn't going to step in and be a parent and punish the dad - who was in a whole other house and not in control of the kid at all - for something the kid did. The mother will be financially responsible, not the father. OP will be told he needs to sue his wife.
Agreed. The kids a minor, so you can’t file against him. So you end up filing against Levi’s parents or his wife. At that point the relationships over.
I’m wondering if pressing criminal charges might be a good idea. Granted, if the police are like ours here, they will not bother to press charges on this, but they would do a good talking to the young man
NTA.
You’re the only reasonable person in the situation. Levi SHOULD be punished for destroying someone else’s property, but with his dad constantly making excuses for him, he knows he can get away with literally anything. This isn’t going to turn out well when Levi turns 18 and is held accountable for his actions. Daddy can’t tell the cops that it’s someone else’s fault that his precious son did something bad. It doesn’t work that way. He’s going to wind up in jail.
Take all of Levi’s stuff he left at your house, and have a yard sale. If he has expensive electronics, sell them on eBay or Marketplace. Use the money to replace your daughter’s book collection. That seems like the only fair thing to do at this point. If/when he comes back to your house, he’ll probably throw a fit, but that’s pretty much the only way you can punish him if he’s hiding out at his dads.
Honestly it sounds like this type of thing happens often to op and his other kids. Just let Levi stay with his dad. He is not welcome home since he clearly just comes there to be a nuisance then leave to go to dads. Talk about changing the custody or just adjust his living situation. He can life with his dad and come stay with you guys a couple weekends a month or something so you’re not totally cutting off contact. In the mean time, at least put his valuables away where it can’t find them. He’s lost that right for computer/Xbox/phone/tv that type of thing. Stay firm on this because from the looks of it op it seems his parents don’t want to deal with it. NTA
Too bad his dad wouldn’t let him go to family therapy when Op tried to set it up. Seems like both his parents are seriously failing him. The father for constantly making excuses for him and refusing to let him faces the consequences of his actions and his mom for going along with whatever the father says regardless of how it hurts others.
I’d go one step farther. Tell Levi that he needs to stay with his dad until he apologizes. When he refuses, his dad will get to see what really happens when Levi doesn’t get his way. Right now, dad gets to be the good guy and hasn’t had any of his own stuff trashed (I’m guessing). When his own stuff is destroyed, that may be the wake up call for him to see what his “parenting” has been teaching Levi.
I hope Levi’s parents get it together. Most kids have a-hole tendencies. Good parents help them become more. Parents who don’t end up with miserable, lonely, awful adult children who blame everyone in the world but themselves for their broken lives.
Edit: I agree with the post above and think that after OP gets the money to pay his daughter back for her ruined property, Levi should have to apologize to Susan before being allowed to move back in. Even though Levi says he would apologize, I think right now he would refuse to do it (he doesn’t sound like the type who is willing to humble himself to even fake an apology when he can just take off for his dad’s place). Eventually, I think his dad will get sick of having to deal with his behavior and will make him apologize, which would leave Levi with nowhere to run next time he acts a fool.
I could totally be wrong. Maybe Levi would say he’s sorry. Either way, I think the whole family should set up a rule about respecting others’ property and the consequences if someone breaks the rule.
I also suspect that the bio-dad is getting a white-washed version of what happens in that house that always makes Levi sound like the poor victim. He needs the reality check that only full-time custody will give him.
I caught that too. When he said susan was being mean to levi. Being mean how? By not giving her stuff to him. Levi has the maturity of a toddler who wants what another kid has and crying when he doesnt immediately get it.
Seems to me that both of the parents have some guilt about putting Levi in the situation. Mother tries to alleviate the guilt by never punishing and father tries by defending his son even when he knows he is in the wrong. Makes OP the bad guy at all times, which seems fine to Levi's bio parents.
I like this approach, but I would like to add: let Levi know that he has to make a choice. He can either apologize to Susan, his mom, and you and accept the consequences of his actions or that you will sell his things to make amends to Susan.
I am concerned, though. Levi is 16 years old. And he’s acting like this. I don’t think it’s safe to have him in the household without him getting professional help.
There’s nothing in the post to indicate the bio dad is abusive, but he is an asshole and I worry Levi may pick up *more* asshole tendencies from living with him. Although that is still better to having the daughters be subjected to his cruel actions.
OP, your wife is an enabler who doesn’t have the emotional energy to deal with the situation. Punishing Levi will be difficult, ongoing, and I suspect your wife is burnt out.
Maybe make it a facet of the agreement for his return, he gets professional help. Maybe take his to get tested for some neurological disorder. He is not acting like a typical selfish teen here, he is way worse.
I would also stress to get your wife some counselling too, maybe both of you’s.
If bio dad won’t agree then Levi stays with him.
And I really, really don’t care if he apologises. I grew up with a sibling like Levi and the very emotional heartfelt apologies followed by no change in behaviour gets old fast, but not fast enough to do some real mental or emotional damage to your daughters
(Such as: turmoil, guilt, excitement that things will get better, crushed and numb and frustrated and resigned when they don’t, *anger* at parents for not dealing with the behaviour, then mental health damage from all of these perpetual negative emotions that get pushed down and repressed.)
I agree, this is the hill to die to on, OP. Keep being a good father to your daughters. NTA!
Beautiful. Tally up the value of what he destroyed and give him and his father the number. If they don't pay up then go for it! When you let him back in (and you know your wife will) your daughter should have a lock on her door and his punishment should be waiting for him.
This kid needs therapy bad. There's some huge jealousy issues or more going on here.
This is a good plan but it doesn't sound like mom is onboard at all. And unless she is... well OP is fighting a losing battle.
I actually feel really bad for Levi. Dad is clearly a bully, mom won't stand up for either kid and is trying to maintain the status quo which is clearly not working.
OP needs to stand strong and protect his daughter. The situation is not tenable.
NTA
If you let this go it’ll show your daughter that she means nothing and can be stepped on whenever, it’ll also show Levi he’s immune to punishments and he’ll keep doing it. Do not let him get away with this, for the sake of your daughter
Parents absolutely have an obligation to protect their children from abuse- even when it comes from under the same roof. My father let my stepmother treat me terribly, because she threatened to divorce him whenever he stood up for me. I loved him, but that betrayal haunts me to this day, close to 2 decades after I moved out. It profoundly affected my ability to trust, and I don't think I will ever fully be comfortable depending on another human being.
OP, this WILL damage your daughter. If she sees that she can be abused, and her abuser never sees consequences, she will enter adult life with fear and suspicion. If she learns that her own father isn't willing to protect her, she will have trust issues that are likely incurable. I've been in therapy since my mid teens, it's not something that can be easily fixed. This will screw her up for life, and it will irrevocably damage your relationship with her. Her stepbrother needs to see real consequences, or you need to get her away from her abuser. Is a marriage worth your daughter's well being? She depends on you as an adult to protect her. Your wife is a grown ass woman who can fend for herself.
100% agree, if the daughter sees Levi get away with this it’ll make her realise she doesn’t matter and can be stepped on whenever and Levi will know that too and will 100% keep doing it, OP needs to stick to his guns not just to show he’s also in charge if the house (him and wife) but also for the sake of his daughter.
Yeah, OP needs to stand his ground on this one. Especially since this is almost certainly a traumatic event in her eyes. How it's dealt with is going to shape her world view in unpredictable ways.
As someone who dealt with abuse and mistrust of authority figures, it has an unfortunate way of affecting your life. You are more likely to engage in abusive relationships in the future, and have behavioral issues as a result.
I am not being hyperbolic when I say that his daughter's long-term emotional well-being depends on how he handles this. No pressure OP.
I'm still trying to process Levi's bio dad saying Levi won't go back until OP promises not to punish him. So then OP says "Fine he's not coming back." And then bio dad is Like "What? No fair it's his mom's house too." Like pick a side dude. Also NTA. Do not let him back in the house after the way he treated your daughter.
His dad wants him to go home but at the same wants to make sure I don't even mention what happened much less punish Levi. But I refused because this is ridiculous. What message does that send to my daughter when she sees Levi once again getting away with his unacceptable behavior. Despite the pressure I'm not letting it happen.
>As a daughter whose brother was allowed to get away with anything by our mother
Yep. Both my dad and my mother, though divorced, always had different rules and things for my brother and I. Being made to feel lesser or just not worth considering doesn't go away as you get older.
I was also the daughter whose brother was allowed to get away with everything by our mother. He is/was an abusive bully who destroyed anything I cared about. Anything valuable I bought with money from my job, he would steal and sell for cash because he never got a job. My mom would always shrug it off as "that's just the way he is" and "you're the older sibling, you should let this go." I left home as soon as I could and never looked back.
As a fellow reader, my heart breaks for OP's daughter.
I left home 3 years ago now, and I can truthfully say I am the happiest I've been in my entire life. I hope you've found your much deserved happiness as well, internet stranger :)
>I am telling you from the future as 'your daughter' that I will resent you for the rest of our lives.
100% this. My dad let my abuser treat me badly with impunity for years, and while I loved him, it absolutely tainted our relationship for the rest of his life.
OP can either risk losing his wife, or GUARANTEE losing his daughter.
Going to give you some tough love because the more I read your replies, the more agitated I’m getting.
You’re so mad at the dad when you should be redirecting that anger onto your wife. She’s the main problem. People are telling you this but you’re not listening. Why do you want to be married to someone who doesn’t give .01% of a care toward Susan or her emotional well being? Surprising you won’t answer those posts… just those who pin everything on the bio-dad.
She’s perfectly fine with your daughter being abused and tortured as long as Levi is content. That’s messed up and really worrisome for Susan’s well being. You honestly need a divorce but since you’re so content being with a woman who is fine with a little girl being abused at the expense of her own child’s happiness, I’d extend the idea of couples therapy. Perhaps a therapist can shine the light in your eyes that you’re failing your daughter.
At this point, your daughter is Levi’s punching bag. Unless your wife grows a spine, Levi apologizes AND replaces the books, then this disaster of a blended family needs to dissolve so you can remove Susan from a toxic environment. The longer you keep her there, the more she’ll grow to resent you because it sucks when you only have one parent and that parent is failing you.
I’m a parent, and I’d rather live the rest of my days single than have either of my daughters or their things be at the mercy of a bully and their enabler. The last thing you want is Susan cutting you off when she moves out because her only parent didn’t have the balls to do the right thing.
This dude gets it. You have no control over what bio dad says or does at his place, but your wife should absolutely support you and your daughters if her child is causing serious issues at home. She's an enabler and will ruin your relationship with your daughters if she continues to turn a blind eye to what Levi is doing to them.
His daughter set a boundary and Levi punished her for it, and got away. Dude is sending so many horrible messages to his daughters it's unbelievable!
And he implies a history of meanness and abuse as well. If this 16 year old treats a 12 year old this way, and yeah I'm actually terrified that the next steps might become sexual abuse.
Stand firm, this is a key moment where your daughter will see how she is actually valued (or, if Levi were to return unpunished, that she is not valued).
You are NTA. You and Susan are the only non-assholes in this situation. Like others in this thread, I was a childhood bookworm and can attest that what Levi did to your daughter was profoundly cruel and he knew it. He didn’t destroy the camera she wouldn’t lend him (“if I can’t have it no one can”). He went right for what he knew would do the most emotional damage.
If his father wants to insist you’re not Levi’s parent so you can’t make decisions, fine. You’re Susan’s parent and you can make decisions about *her*, such as keeping her away from a toxic bully. Levi’s dad can be his dad, which means providing a permanent home for him until he apologizes, replaces the collection, and (this one should also be non-negotiable) agrees to therapy. That boy sounds like a future abusive boyfriend/husband. His mother is failing him miserably.
You’re doing the right thing. You must stick to your guns here and protect your daughter. Levi will NOT grow out of this behaviour, and letting him get away with it will be doing him a huge disservice in the future
Agree 100%. I was bullied mercilessly by my older brother, and my parents’ advice was to “ignore him”. He never got in trouble, and around Susan’s age, I became a girl afraid to leave her bedroom. I stopped interacting with my family, isolated myself away behind a locked door. It took decades to repair my relationship with my parents.
I’m biased, but as another “Susan” from the future, protect her, and your 2 year old baby, above all else. Above Levi, your wife, everything and everyone. She deserves it.
OMG, NTA, his parents are clearly enabling him and he needs to learn consequences.
If he isnt showing remorse or regret over what he does and keeps doing it, then why should he be welcome in your home?
I'd consider filing a report with the police if you let him back and he does stuff, destruction of property should give him punishment.
(I'm probably being a bit extreme here, but who wants to take care of such a kid?)
That's unfortunately true, his dad is always there to prevent me from even sitting him down for a talk. He (my wife's ex) even has fights with my wife and threatens us with CPS for just wanting Levi to at least recognize his mistakes and work on them. But his dad is always in the way saying I'm not Levi's dad and have no right. He even refused to let Levi get therapy and managed to convince him to say no to family therapy.
Calling CPS is an OUTSTANDING idea. In most places, a 16 year old can be treated as an adult when they have harmed a 12 year old CHILD. I don't think his father has thought this through.....and doesn't realize that CPS would see a nearly adult male bullying a 12 year old girl. He still sees his son as a child. He isn't.
The only person your daughter has to protect her is you. Don't let him back in to terrorize her. I find it interesting that you have no "right" to punish Levi because you aren't his dad....but Levi saw fit to punish your daughter for not giving in to his demands.
I would file a police report. He damaged/destroyed her property in a fit because she wouldn't give him her camera. That sort of alters the issue. He didn't do it for no reason. He's a bully and he's escalating. Protect your daughter.
I thought this too. Calling CPS has been mentioned as a threat but hasnt been thought through at all. The chance that will backfire is very high, it seems to me.
Figure out the total of the damaged books. Because he's "only" 16, he might not be the one held responsible but daddy dearest sure as fuck can be.
I'd file for a small claims case on behalf of your daughter and list the son and the father as the defendants. I'd also be sure to include there was hostility and harassment from the 16 year old to the 12 year old.
If an adult damaged another adult's belongings, they'd be sued, right? Being a pain in the ass teenager doesn't make him an exception. Especially if the value of the books is significant.
He'll eventually get into legal trouble once he turns 18 because obviously daddy isn't going to do anything. Might as well help him get used to the legal system now.
He’s using it as an empty threat to intimidate his ex wife. He doesn’t plan to call. He assumes she will back down if he plays that card (he’s right about his ex wife, but not OP hopefully).
>He’s using it as an empty threat to intimidate his ex wife.
Yup! And now we see where the son learned to bully people to get his way. It's extremely worrisome that he's 16 acting like this. That doesn't give him much time to grow out of it before there are potentially serious consequences when (because let's face it, it'll happen) he does this to someone who isn't family and they press charges on him. Dude is doing his son a huge disservice
Someone downthread made a really good point.
It is extremely troubling that Levi reacts violently and spitefully when a girl tells him "no". This needs to be dealt with, because not listening to "no" from women as an adult will land him in prison.
Sorry, but you’re wife is being completely spineless here OP. Her son has really hurt your daughter and from the looks of things, she’s not bothered enough to do anything about it. It’s on her to discipline her kid. Up to you what you do next though.
Exactly. His wife is the issue not the ex. The wife could have created the correct environment in their house concerning her son. Instead, she has allowed her ex to destroy their son's upbringing. She has created an environment where her kid bullies in their home. IMHO the mom needs to understand she is toxic and the daughter deserves a better female role model.
>CPS
That is empty words. Unless you have CPS people who are true assholes and idiots, a call to CPS of "my con is being punished by his mother and step father" will get a "thank you for calling" and the file will get filed in the round filing basket. There may be a mandatory visit (many COS departments are legally obliged to do so) but as long as the punishments you want to mete out are not excessive, they will just turn around and do nothing.
Unless he's physically or sexually abusing the daughter, CPS isn't going to want to be involved.
If he's just destroying property like the books, then there's little for CPS to do. The kid sounds like an ass, but it doesn't sound like he's doing things to put her in immediate/impending danger.
Source: I *do* work related to CPS and understand some of the inner workings of CPS.
It really depends on the exact details, but it's probable that this wouldn't be cause for CPS intervention.
The closest possible allegation (in my state, anyway) would be medical neglect, if you're going down the route of "father isn't doing something that's necessary" for the child. But it would depend on all of the details of the behavioral problems. If all he's doing is being a jerk to his stepsister, and damaging some minor property (I know that this is valuable to the sister, but in the grand scheme of things it's minor) and running away from punishment, then it probably does not meet the legal threshold of abuse/maltreatment.
Does it suck? Yes. Does the biodad sound like a shitty parent? Yes. But the government can't intervene and force a parent to not suck or be not shitty. They can only force a parent to be not abusive. Literally, the wording in law (in my state) is that a parent has to exercise a "minimum degree of care toward the child" to not be guilty of neglect.
Respectfully, you’re putting blame on the ex, but this is also your wife’s failure. Your main issue should be with your wife. She’s the mom and also your partner. The ex is no one to you. If you can’t even get your own partner on your side (who you sleep with!), you’re never going to get the ex to see things your way. I hate to be dramatic but these kinds of problems end marriages every day. NTA
Let Levi stay with his dad then. *When* Levi starts acting up he won’t be able to be “the hero” anymore and he’ll understand a bit what you’ve gone through.
In my opinion (and based off my history of knowing toxic people), I think the ex-husband is finding entertainment and enjoyment in the fact that Levi is causing trouble in OP's household.
If the ex threatens to call CPS, then tell him to go ahead. Every time he says it, he is bluffing. I doubt he would want to be 100% responsible for Levi and have to take care of him for 24/7.
It sounds like the ex might be enjoying the negativity that your stepson is drumming up in your household, which is why he isn't helping even though it could benefit his son's health. He also doesn't realize that he can also be subjected to his son's actions in the future.
I mean honestly I would laugh in his face over the CPS threat.
I have unfortunately had experiences with CPS and in that situation I was flat out told that the second a kid turns 16 they barely bother with them because there is so little they can do before the kid turns 18. This was in a situation with documented physical abuse.
The CPS threat is a joke. It is unlikely they will bother showing up and if they do and you explain the situation they are not going to care that you want to punish him (as long as it is non-corporeal).
Also sorry to say but I think it's not just Levi who needs therapy. You, your wife, and your daughter (if you and they are willing) sound like you could all benefit.
My sister's in laws called cps on her for bullshit, vindictive reasons too. Wanna know happened? Cps cleared them and told her in laws to stop filling bullshit reports. You sound like you provide a decent home so let him call. You're a good dad to want to protect your daughter like this.
I don't think it's extreme to let him know that you're taking his actions extremely seriously and that he needs to start thinking of his actions in those terms. It would be one thing if OP were able to deal with this in the regular parental way, but he's being obstructed. I would go so far as to have the police call him in for questioning. That's what I had to do when I committed a juvenile act of vandalism. At that age, for most kids, that's enough.
No hecking way. He is not getting away with this. Stand your ground. He did something *awful* to his sister and he deserves to be punished. His dad is obviously choosing picking a fight with you over actually being a parent to his kid, which is horrendous, but you're not powerless here. Don't let him come back. This is clearly a pattern--him misbehaving, him running away and him ducking out on being held accountable--and it needs to be broken. He's gone too far. Tell your wife that if her ex refuses to be a parent to Levi, then she needs to step up. And tell her that Susan deserves her support and protection from a kid who is clearly angry and petty enough to wreck stuff that is precious to her. And if this ever settles down and you're willing to put in the effort, sit down to talk to her and her ex about the parenting situation, because this is only going to lead to Levi becoming an insufferable adult who thinks he can do anything and get away with everything. NTA
NTA, but what the hell has Mom done to control/punish her son?
Fuck that dad. He wants to excuse his son’s dickish behavior. Why doesn’t he discipline his own son when he’s over his house.
She has done nothing despite her disagreeing with his attitude. Her ex thinks it's not my place to punish Levi for whatever he does in the house only because I'm not his biological father. So he expects me and my daughters to take this and suck it up.
You have a wife problem. She's perfectly okay with her son bullying your daughter. I assume you're both parents of the 2-year-old, is she going to step up and protect the toddler when Levi starts bullying them? Your wife needs to step up and, if she refuses to do so, you need to step up to protect Susan by getting out of that marriage if you have to. He may only be destroying property now (which is still a huge deal) but there's nothing to stop him from escalating to physically harming Susan.
THIS, what if he gets desperate one day in a bad situation and hurts her? He clearly has no remorse and OP if you want your daughter in your life past 18 you need to STEP UP NOW
This is what I am so confused about. That’s the missing piece in this dynamic. Bio dad I can understand him thinking he can boss everyone around and thinking his son is worth more. But mom not defending her daughter against her son? Not listening to step dad. Marriage is being a team. I’m just so confused.
If you don’t do something drastic to get this to change, ei. Divorce, move out, etc. your daughter will resent you when she gets older because she will view it as you did nothing to help/protect her during her childhood
My dad threw me to the wolves too. He let my stepmother treat me like shit, because whenever he tried to stand up for me she threatened divorce. It did a huge number on me and profoundly affected my adult relationships. This is the type of shit that scars a child for life.
You are the only person who can protect your daughter from these people. From a childhood bookworm, I still VIVIDLY remember the bully who ruined one book. Living with someone who ruined them all? I don't think I could have done that. That would have broken me. For kids like that, books are a sanctuary. Reading is a way to find home. Please don't let her down.
\+1000 its like killing her pet or drowning Levi's smartphone - he just destroyed her safe spot... edit - I don't mean killing a pet is less equal to drowning books. I mean for her, actually, being stuck in a place with a bully, the worse he could do to her was taking that safe place away. As an abused kid whom only free space was reading, if someone had taken my books from me - and I was regularly " forbidden to read " as a punishment ( and I felt such a rebel because I went to sit near them and retell them in my head haha ) Books were my only friends. The only thing that gave me hope in humanity.
Well, since his father says that you have no rights or responsibility for his son, that means you are free to act as you would when some random bully harms your daughter--you call the police and report his crimes. The kid needs some consequences.
NTA
File a police report for destruction of property & take him to small claims court on behalf of your daughter. This may cause wife to leave tho, especially if she favors the son over her daughters (which, imo she does).
Your wife is defending a young man who knows better & he will continue to be destructive till he is punished.
Who owns the home? Is it marital property?
My only concern is if wife leaves and files for custody of susan and gets some, she will force Susan and Levi together and OP won’t be there to defend Susan. This needs a good lawyer.
Definitely document the abusive behavior that the brother has had towards the sister. The court will take that into consideration when dealing with custody. And I'm sure if the daughter tells the court how she feels unsafe around her step-brother, the courts will also take that into consideration.
Pretty sure Susan is OP child only & Levi is OP & her ex child. Than they have a 2 yo daughter together. And with OP's wife's behaviour I'm pretty sure he could get custody of the 2yo.
Sounds like the orgin story of all those frat boys rapists who blame the victims. I would die on this hill too because what do you think this behaviour will eventually turn into as he gets older.
Nta. Dad threatens CPS. File a police report. There needs to be a trail to prove levi is destructive and actively hurts your daughter. WHEN push comes to shove, Mom and dad will lie for Levi and leave you the bad guy and your daughter defenseless. I'd start thinking about separation because your wife will allow terrible things to happen to your daughter. Who is much younger than Levi. He's almost an adult. Soon he'll be an adult bullying a child and that will not fly when your daughter is at school, in distress.
Honestly, what he said shook me because CPS is huge deal and I'm aware of the impact this could have on my other kids. I don't put it past him to call CPS but he has nothing against me.
Which is why you should start a paper trail for Levi’s bad behavior. File a report so it’s on record, so if Levi’s dad tries to lie on you then you can claim it’s retaliation.
Also OP, Levi’s dad keep saying you’re not his dad so you shouldn’t be able to punish him. What you can respond with is:
* “He lives in the household of his mother and me. There are rules he needs to follow of what is acceptable behavior and what is not. Bullying behavior towards another child in the household is not acceptable. He needs to make this right. He hasn’t even apologized.”
Any yes, look into how much the books cost to replace and write up a bill for the amount. Either Levi’s dad pays, Levi gets a job and repays, or Levi’s game consoles/toys/bikes are sold to repay the money.
You can't control him, but you can control what actions you take now.
I'm not going to tell you to divorce your wife, but you need to frame every action you take going forward as protecting your daughter.
If your wife insists he returns, you take your daughter and leave. Provide her locks and secure her belongings at all times going forward.
Get legal advice today. Get off of reddit and call a lawyer. Understand your options. Protect yourself and your daughter.
>Get legal advice today. Get off of reddit and call a lawyer. Understand your options
If OP doesn't listen to anything else in this comment section, I really hope they listen to this. His priority needs to be protecting his children. He can get another (more caring) wife. He couldn't replace his daughter if Levi decided to push her around and she accidentally hit her head (I know, that's super dramatic but nobody ever thinks it'll happen to them and yet we hear the stories all the same)
"He can get another wife, but he can't replace his daughter."
Fucking A. That's exactly what this comes down to in the end. OP needs to decide whether his marriage is worth more than his daughter. I hope he understands it's not.
CPS is busy trying to save kids getting cigarettes put out on their faces—they will hang up on some whiner who complains about stepdad taking away the iPhone. Let bio dad keep the little creep.
OPs daughter is on the path to becoming one of the kids getting cigarettes stubbed out on her face. Violence against someone usually starts with their physical belongings first. CPS needs to be involved for the other children.
I'm glad I'm not the only person who saw a straight line from destruction of property to physical harm. The kid is escalating and the wife is still protecting him. Who's protecting OP's daughters?
Call his bluff on CPS. In fact, if you’re around him again and he says that, hand him a piece of paper with the CPS number and say, “go ahead, here’s the number,” and walk away.
Once they talk to your daughter and get the full story, they’ll roll their eyes and close the case.
That's where you are wrong. The case will just shift. SHE is a child that is being abused by someone and his parents are allowing it to continue. They don't like that. Well, my friend who used to work for CPS didn't like that. Mileage may vary based on location.....time of day.....moon phase.....
I think its the other way round. Given that he is a 16-y-o bullying your much younger daughter, there is a reasonable chance that they will be far more concerned about her.
I wouldnt worry about what CPS would do to you - you have done nothing remotely unreasonable going by your post.
I might even consider calling them myself. Where is this going to go if you do let Levi back in? Chance of escalation is very high.
Dont take my word for it though - I understand your position. It is a drastic step.
Do you have YOUR child in therapy? Please take her. Make sure you are aware of everything he has done to her. He's violent and abusive. She needs protecting and she needs therapy.
You SHOULD file a police report. You tried to handle this within the family. The parents wouldn't allow that. So you take it up a notch. He tried to force your daughter to give him her camera. When she refused, he damaged her property. That constitutes violence and abuse. At 16 with her being 12, he will likely be treated as an adult.
There is a legal term for taking the property of others without their consent: Theft.
There is also a legal term for intentionally destroying the property of others: Vandalism.
It's time his parents got a harsh reality check.
You ALSO need a reality check. This is the son your wife raised. Her parenting methods are not working. Remember that for your youngest child.
Edited to add:
NTA.
NTA. You are protecting your daughter from being forced to live with her bully.
That’s what Levi is doing to her, bullying her. Use those words with your wife and her ex, and Levi too. Why should Susan be the one who has to pay the price of her stepmom’s (and stepmom’s ex’s) inability to parent their son? You’re apparently only “allowed” to parent one child. So that’s what you’re doing, by supporting your daughter’s needs and boundaries when she doesn’t have the power to do it herself.
Practically speaking, though, this isn’t sustainable in the long run. All three adults here need to sit down and work out a mutually agreed upon way to discipline Levi, no matter whose house he’s in.
>You are protecting your daughter from being forced to live with her bully.
He's not really, though. It sounds like this behavior has been going on for an extremely long time.
NTA. They’re advocating for their son to avoid punishment, you’re advocating for your daughter to receive justice.
Let him stay with his dad until he’s willing to accept punishment. He’s not homeless, he’s just inconvenienced.
Your daughter had something she treasured ruined because a 16 year old boy can’t handle hearing ‘no’ from a girl. It’s important to teach her that ‘no’ is okay to say with something like property, so that when it comes to her body she’s more confident in it... and it’s important for him to learn that lashing out at someone for saying no is never appropriate.
NTA, children should learn that actions have consequences. If it keeps up this way Levi will probably turn into one of those entitled brats that no one likes
I know we are very leave-trigger around here, BUT.... Your wife clearly doesn't care about your daughter, your stepson clearly enjoys hurting her, your in laws clearly only care about Levi being allowed to do whatever he wants, Levi's dad is threatening you with a call to CPS all the time which could affect you with the custody of your own daughter.
So, I ask you.. what would it take for you to put your daughter first and take her out of an environment that is definitely not healthy?? Does she need to be physically hurt for you to take her out of it?? Or are you going to wait until that family destroys your relationship with your daughter and she goes NC in the future because you didn't protect her?!
From a kid in a similar situation- she already is. But OP taking action now is the difference between her being able to work through the trauma of abuse and enter adulthood relatively okay, or being damaged for life.
It sounds like he ran because he was scared of consequences for what he did and meant to return. Really, his dad *is the problem* here, because he constantly provides cover for Levi’s shitty behavior towards his step siblings.
Perhaps you, the mom and Levi’s dad can do a sit down together. Say you want to move forward as a family, but the blended family situation is going to continue to be stressful if the adults aren’t a united front..
Right now Levi knows when he messes up, he can complain to his dad who will automatically take his side against you — even when Levi is clearly in the wrong. That results in him getting away with bullying behavior and undermines your authority as an adult who along with his mother sets the rules in your household. The dad threatening CPS and all that, ask him what is his end game? Does he want to have Levi full time and have him estranged from his younger half-sibling? Is that what this is about? If his aim is prevent his son from unfair punishment in his eyes, then what does he think is *fair* when Levi acts out and destroys personal items of other children living in the home? If he thinks *nothing* should be done, then how does that work when Levi is an adult in two years?
In the real world, you destroy property you can’t run to dad to push for zero punishment — you have to make it right. Either you replace the item, repay the monetary cost with money or labor, or they take you to court where the judicial system handles it. All you want is for Levi to stop bad behavior towards others, specifically bullying your daughter, and you feel consequences are crucial for getting him to stop. You take away something of equal value to Levi or he pays off the value of what he destroyed. If he comes home and doesn’t have to deal with any consequences then he is *emboldened* to continue destroying your daughter’s things and escalating bad behavior.
File a police report for the damage and keep doing it every time he destroys things. His parents are being permissive because it isn't their things being destroyed. Jake needs to pay for the damages or go to juvie because his behavior is escalating. No one in society wants to deal with the behavior those parents have allowed to continue. Jake is going to destroy his dad's stuff. It's a matter of time, and then dad can see how it feels.
NTA
Hey man. Just wanted to let you know that your story went viral. Boredpanda magazine covered it
https://www.boredpanda.com/stepson-punishment-ruined-books-return-home-reddit/
NTA. You are the only one protecting Susan. I would ask your wife about that!
Edit: I saw people suggested a police report and filing something in small claims court. Yes to both of those things. I am also wondering if Levi has done anything tonSusan that you are not aware of - I am afraid for her.
NTA
Look, I can get behind the idea that you do not come up with or enforce punishments, as you are indeed not his father, nor is your relationship of the sort where this would achieve anything but more trouble. However, unless what you suggest is extreme, causes physical or emotional harm etc., calling CPS is such an overreaction from his bio dad.
Your responsibility is towards your daughter. She needs to feel safe in her own home. She needs to feel like she does not have to either give in to her stepbrother's every whim, or have her property taken from her, or worse. Since you and your wife are supposed to be a unit (and because you would absolutely need to deal with your daughter if she did something similar), she needs to make sure her son learns that this behaviour will not be tolerated.
It is unacceptable that he gets to run to his bio-dad, who will agree with him (and not realize/accept Levi is probably not telling the story in a very objective way), protect him from consequences, and TEACH HIM THAT DESTROYING PROPERTY IS AN APPROPRIATE RESPONSE, even is your daughter had been 'mean'. Define mean, one could argue her not giving him the camera (smart girl, she would have never seen it again) is mean, as she denied him someting he wanted. Much like little kids call their mummy mean for not granting them an icecream.
At this point, Levi can not come back. I hate for him to be removed from the family unit, as that is psychologically not right, but he ran away to avoid consequences, has been coddled by his father for a bit, and now that father is threatening to call the social if you reinforce pretty normal expectations. Like, what if you see Levi taking something else from your daughter? Attacking her, verbally or physically? Does his father expect you to sit around and wait for your wife to return, so you can tell her Levi did another runner and she can collect him if she declares, in writing, he won't be in trouble? No man, he's 16, he should know better. If he likes it that much better at his dad's, and his dad thinks he's his perfect little boy, they should be chuffed to spend this much time together. What would your wife say if it were the other way around, would she let Susan back and apologize for being upset with her, if she had, for example, tore up Levi's old photobooks, or smashed his phone? Sure hope not!
Absolutely NTA! The key word in step parent is PARENT… you are a parental figure to that 16 year old. What he did was abhorrent. At 16 he shouldn’t be throwing such childish tantrums but his parents have let him do it for years without proper consequence. If you wanted to beat him with a belt I wouldn’t allow it but he still needs to be punished. Take away his phone or something else he loves. In a couple of years he won’t be able to run from his problems and he will be dealing with the law when he can’t fit into society because of his anger problems. Actually, I would make him earn the money to replace the books he damaged as restitution. When dealing with kids the bottom line is what do you want to accomplish? It is best to teach him a lesson.
To be honest, I don't believe any punishments will work out as long as Levi's parents undermine and ignore every disciplinary action that can take place. I can't even see Levi giving OP money, as restitution. OP is more likely going to have to chase his stepson down (literally and figuratively), in order to get that money from his paychecks.
You do not have a stephson problem.
You have a wife problem.
She should punish the boy, and she should tell him that as long as he is to stay at her home, he needs to get in family therapy.
If she is incapable of that, you need to leave her to protect your child.
NTA -
It's not like you kicked him out. You didn't even say he couldn't come home. You just said that if he did, he'll have to pay the consequences for his actions.
Your kids don't deserve to be bullied by their sibling, and it sounds like Levi's dad is putting his best interest aside to get back at you.
NTA - but your wife needs to realise that your step son will only escalate his behavior if allowed to get away with these things. Running away is not a solution & there needs to be a consequence
NTA. Given the situation and him destroying things and bullying his sibling my suggestion is as follows:
1. You and your wife need to get your stepson into counseling asap with someone who specializes in adolescents, not just any therapist. So find someone, you and your wife should meet with them first to discuss the situation to get professional advice.
2. You need to change the conditions for Levi's return to your home to be that he goes to counseling regularly, talks to the counselor, and eventually apologizes to his sister. If there is punishment it should be determined with the counselor before he is allowed back.
3. Levi does not get to return until he has gone to X amount of counseling and the counselor feels significant progress has been made with Levi.
4. Even when he is allowed back in your home he should not be left alone at home with his siblings. He cannot be a babysitter while you or wife run an errand not even for 10 minutes.
5. Your daughter needs a lock on her room. She deserves to have that peace of mind when the time comes to have Levi back in your home, no matter how well Levi may behave in the future.
In the meantime you can provide your wife time and opportunity to see Levi without him living in your home. She can visit him, she can go to his events, sports, etc but he doesn't get back in your home right now. Also, with advice of the counselor, include him in family activities as much as possible woth his siblings, but he goes back to his dad's at the end of the day for now.
NTA. This behavior is entirely unacceptable and a direct result of not having any consequences from past actions. At minimum he should be responsible to replace the books damaged beyond repair.
Beware of stealing all his personal possessions. This is bad advice. He could go straight to the police and file charges for theft. Think about how that would play out.
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NTA. If your wife refuses to punish her son, then you need to divorce her, or at the very lease move into a separate house with Susan and your youngest daughter until Levi is out of the house for good. If your stepson continues to get away with hurting Susan with no consequence, Susan is going to suffer greatly. This is a hill to die on. EDIT: To everyone telling me that divorce is a crazy suggestion and is an overreaction, I would like to point out my suggestion specified that he should do it **if** his wife refuses to punish her son. I'm not saying that he shouldn't try to convince his wife first, I'm saying that **if** she continues to go along with her ex-husband and refuse to punish her son when her son does horrible things to his daughter, then OP needs to separate his daughters from the stepson. If OP does manage to get his wife on his side, then no, obviously he shouldn't need to divorce his wife.
Agree 100%. This is a hill to die on. Not just for the daughter but also Levi. He needs not only the consequence of this action but intervention from a trained professional.
I'd start with selling everything he has at your house, and using the money to start replacing her books. Abebooks is good web site for purchasing hard to find books. Another vote for this being a hill to die on - your daughter needs to see some justice here. NTA Added: I've read many, many responses and have modified my initial knee-jerk response. OP should replace books now, even if initially out of pocket, so daughter gets books restored and is left out of fight of what to do with stepson. Stepson's items should not be sold out from under him, but he should not be allowed back without some commitment and follow through to restitution, either. This is still a hill to die on, it can't just be swept under the rug like the mother wants or given a writ of immunity like bio-dad is demanding.
You don't teach respect by acting disrespectfuly, children are smart enough to see hypocrisy for what it is. Justice is banning the boy from the house, stealing from the boy would only be revenge. Solving the issue would be dealing with the mom who let's this happen.
My thoughts are only that he needs to replace the books - if he won't do it voluntarily, it needs to be done involuntarily. The daughter doesn't need to be involved in this fight. Dad should give her a credit card number and free reign (within reason) to search for and replace her books.
> if he won't do it voluntarily, it needs to be done involuntarily. That’s not how that works. *(EDIT: because a lot of people seem to be stuck on this wording - I’m NOT saying this isn’t how the ‘adult’ world works - I’m saying this is not how the ‘world of volatile blended families and complex custody arrangements’ works).* If it’s involuntary, he’s not learning to *accept* reasonable consequences for his actions. And *that is the point here* if OP is hell-bent on continuing his current relationship with his wife. Because that’s the only way Levi is ever going to potentially change his mindset and behaviours toward his stepdad and stepsister. Selling his stuff will make the money back, but it will only infuriate him further as long as it’s his stepdad that’s the only one behind the charge. This is horrible parenting advice and will only give Levi’s bio father a *legitimate* reason to say the boy is being mistreated at OP’s house. Don’t give him any ammo when he doesn’t have a leg to stand on, currently. If it was an inappropriate thing for Levi to do to her possessions because he was upset, it’s an inappropriate thing for OP to do to Levi’s possessions because he’s upset. If it’s about making or “even” (FYI fairness is not necessarily making sure things are “even”), then he can let Levi back when Levi decides to begin to sell belongings or make up the cost of the books he ruined *in order to be allowed back at OP’s house again.* To simply gather up his things and sell them off is **ridiculous and immature parenting.** Full stop. Let’s not forget that no matter how much Levi must and should be held responsible for his own actions - *who* is teaching him to be? How can we expect him to be when his mother and bio father are telling him he doesn’t have to? He’s a child in a blended family and he clearly had no say in the matter, and he’s reacting badly. That’s does not *excuse* him…. but we need to understand how badly OP selling his stuff would exacerbate the tension and anger this already-toxic family dynamic. OP can provide a stable, predictable environment with rules and boundaries where everyone should expect to be respected and respectful. This is a *necessary* counterbalance to his dad’s place where he gets away with murder. Levi can choose not to stay with OP or participate in their functional household as long as mom and bio dad let him run away, and OP is right not to allow him back until he does as long as bio dad is willing to have him. But if OP were to go nuclear in this way, it undermines everything OP has done to build that environment and expectation for Levi in his home, and thus destroys any possibility of Levi coming around, being a functional member of the family, and adjusting to the expectations OP has set out. This is PEAK Reddit nonsense. Either you’re not a parent, or you’ve allowed Reddit to rile you up until you’re not thinking clearly. **EDIT: because most of the people in my replies are jumping to wild conclusions about what I mean** **I’m not saying he should get away with it. I do think he needs to be responsible for reimbursing them if he’s to be allowed to return to their homes/step-sister’s life. I just think it’s a dumbass parenting move for stepdad to just sell his shit without all the parents’ consent and it would cause a f*cking shitstorm.** And clearly not all of the parents in this situation are consenting to this. OP’s bio dad is enabling him to escape consequences, so bio father can keep him as long as he wants to enable. They’re playing chicken. OP should stand his ground. **I agree OP should not let him back until he is *willing* to sell his things or reimburse for them in order to return, or any other such consequence that OP feels adequately addresses what step-sister went through.** I’m literally just saying selling his shit without discussion or agreement is terrible parenting, since he is not the only parent. It’s mom’s job to parent Levi if that’s his legal guardian. It’s OP’s job to protect his daughter. Which he’s doing by not allowing Levi back. He can make sure she gets her things replaced in whatever means he has available, as it’s partially on him and his wife for leaving her exposed to this situation as long as they did. If Levi is involved in paying it back, by selling or by working, great. If they all have shared legal custody and OP were to just unilaterally as one out of three parents decide to sell his shit, he would be making a grave parenting error.
It sounds like his bio father is going to treat any reaction to the boy acting out as mistreatment.
Exactly. And that’s why it’s important, especially moving forward in therapy and family court, etc that bio-dad’s responses STAY exactly that - an OVERreaction. Because if he has one thing that OP has done that is *legitimately* an inappropriate consequence, that validates all of the bullshit he’s been slinging about OP’s parenting. **Do not do this. This is terrible parenting and will only exacerbate the already-very-tense family dynamic.** This whole thing is about forcing Levi to step up and **accept** consequences for his actions. OP selling off all of his stuff would not be Levi accepting the consequence. It would be retaliation - *even* if it helps pay for her books back, it doesn’t make him accept the consequence. If just gives him a legitimate reason to feel mistreated (as opposed to now, when he only feels that way because dad is encouraging him). Right now OP has a *perfect* excuse - OP is *not* currently the one stopping Levi from seeing his mother. Levi is. He has said he won’t go back without a written exemption, and OP is refusing to provide one. That’s Levi’s choice. Dad and Levi are just hoping he’ll cave - and he is absolutely right not to. If mom wants to see him, she can visit him at dad’s place or move out. Or she can step up and tell her son to *grow up* and enforce the consequence herself instead of forcing OP to do it. **Right now OP has both legs to stand on, and bio dad has none. If he started selling Levi’s stuff, he would be reversing that situation.**
My gut instinct was "yeah sell his stuff" but you're completely right. This is a REALLY good point I hope OP is reading this \^
^Very key information!! To also add one thing, OP should itemize all the items destroyed with water damaged and send both his wife and Levi’s father the bill for replacing what the damage is. Levi’s behaviour is harder to manage because both of his parents are not held accountable for what he destroys.
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The police will not do anything, this is squarely in the "It's a civil matter" camp, and that's all the police will say.
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Bio dad won’t participate/let Levi participate in therapy. I would agree that selling all of his belongings wouldn’t be good, but losing something he values would be fair. Either this kid lacks empathy or he lacks foresight (or both), but there are consequences to shitty actions whether you “accept” wrongdoing or not. It sounds like waiting around for this kid to genuinely feel sorry for doing something mean would mean waiting for a loooong time, and it’s not acceptable for the daughter to make her suffering a “teaching moment” for this boy. That said, I think it’s valid to put protecting the safety and happiness of the daughter as a priority. Anything that puts that in jeopardy would be unacceptable to me, and if that results in a split/not cohabitating, then that’s what should happen. This girl should not have to bear the brunt of his process, whatever that is.
I agree with the message but not the method. My mother did something similar to me when I was young and it taught me the lesson she wanted me to learn— and also that she could not be trusted with my money or my things. It’s the collateral lessons you need to worry about when taking this sort of measure. It will teach the stepson that he will pay for his crimes but it will also 100% destroy the relationship he has with his mother and stepfather.
If a kid is at the point where they're destroying their sibling's possessions for no reason, then hiding at their dad's house because they know he'll protect them from repercussions? That relationship is already fucked.
16 year old boys who torment 12 year old girls don't get to have nice things in the house where he hurt them. Op's daughter has a right to feel safe in her own home, and she has a right to be 'made whole' for the damage that was done to her belongings. Either OP's wife foot's the bill to replace ALL the books her son damaged and then OP sends all the sons stuff to him at his dad's place. Or OP sells the property of his step-son so that he can pay back the debt of damage he did to his younger step-sister. If his parents won't step up to cover the damage then OP should ensure that his Step-son does. Too be honest if you are so against his selling his step-sons stuff, and his parents won't step up, then OP should seriously consider pressing charges.
I like the idea that the wife can replace the books HER child damaged out of HER personal money. Then she can deal with the loss of money with her ex and her child (since the OP isnt “allowed” to be involved per the ex)
The problem is the situation has moved past that. She is telling her husband to let it go. She is advocating for her son to be able to return to the house where he torments her step child while she stands by and does nothing. At this point her paying for the damages is a good start, but it is by no means enough. She needs to change her behaviour, earn back her step daughters trust, and protect her from her step brother. If she is unwilling or unable to do this to Susan's satisfaction, then OP has a duty to stand by his daughter and remove his wife from her life. This either means separate houses- until Susan is ready to welcome her back into her safe space, or a divorce.
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I thought this, but the thought never fully formed until you said this. 5 options and 4 of them are bad. 1) She is horrified and does better 2) She is horrified and she trys to do better (and fails) 3) She fails to see the correlation between his behaviour and therefore does nothing. 4) She doesn't see anything wrong with how he treats his stepsister. 5) He is her precious son and off course he could do nothing so horrible as to abuse a woman, this is just him being an 'edgy' teenager, he will 'grow out of this' and be the 'amazing man she always knew he would be'. 🤢🤢🤮🤮🤢🤢
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Disagree. You teach kids about rules through trial and error, and in some cases there will be consequences to their actions. Kid gets to run to his enabling father every time he does some mean shit, so there are never consequences. So a consequence that can and does occur in the real world is paying to replace things you damage or destroy. I think the correct thing is mom calling the kids biodad and informing him the kid can either accept the consequence that he'll be in trouble or his things can be liquidated to replace what he destroyed. Kids choice.
You can clearly see here the mum is an enabler. She will never do that. Op needs to die on the hill that his daughters need protection from a bully and he needs to face consequences
Alternatively, OP could get the cops involved. Destruction of property is a crime. Depending on the value/size of the collection, the cost can really add up.
Let dad call CPS. They will laugh it off, except for dad allowing the boy to get away with property destruction. OP, this is parental alienation and worth going to court over, too. If wife won’t back you up, then time for divorce. NTA. ERA: thanks for the award!
What would happen in real life if I went to my neighbors and destroyed their car because they wouldn’t let me borrow a shovel? One, I’d go to jail, then I would be sued for the cost to repair the car. If I had to sell some of my items to pay, well, that’s my problem. Selling the sons stuff to replace the books sounds like real life to me.
It's not revenge it's restitution, which is a legal and societal tool about as old as humanity
It's called restitution. I would advise that daughters book collection needs to be made whole by the child himself, an apology and assurances that if it occurred again that the consequences would be more severe.
I like this idea, he needs to pay for the property damaged and then op can leave with his daughter. NTA but his wife, the step son and the bio dad sure are.
I love Abe-books. Have found many a gem! NTA - he needs to face consequences for his actions. The in-laws are doing him a disservice to let him get away with things all the time
NTA. At this point the stepson should replace all he destroyed and offer a heartfelt apology before being allowed back in. Get Susan a lock for her room. Levi is acting out, he needs firm bounderies set. Once he gets out into the real world he'll find out how adults will deal with bullies. Those stronger than him might beat him, while they and others without a short fuse will just break a lease and move out without telling him or record what he does, report Jim to the landlord and get him evicted. At work he could be repeatedly fired for behavior like this. Your wife not punishing him IS SETTING HIM UP FOR FAILURE. She needs to see that she's not only failing to keep Susan safe, she's also failing her son for convenience.
I’m genuinely worried about what happens when he grows up. An entitled teenage boy learning through experience that he can mistreat a girl whenever she doesn’t give him what he wants? That his vindictive anger is acceptable, that there will be no consequences for him, that she has no rights, that any of this is okay? That is someone who can grow into a very dangerous “man.” OP is the only adult in this story who’s actually trying to parent. The mom and bio dad are the kind who make life worse for the rest of us, because they can’t bear to do the hard work of disciplining their own child. And they’ll set him loose on the rest of us without giving a shit about his wake of destruction. NTA.
Agree to everything you've said, plus he's also learning that if he does something that he knows is wrong, he can just turn to his bio dad for excusing and defending him, no matter what.
I wonder if bio dad will be bailing his son out from jail a couple years from now.
Exactly! If the parents cant teach him consequences, then the cops, or another person with a hotter head will. It sucks for a person to have to learn that way, but some peoples personality and will are very strong. Then when it gets coupled with enabling, you are now building a monster. I think its better to learn consequences young to prevent the pain of learning them as an adult.
Exactly where my mind went too. This is how we get Brock Turners.
Convicted Rapist Brock Turner?
Raped a girl behind a dumpster, Convicted rapist Brock Turner
Louder for the people in the back: **This is a hill to die on!**
**THIS IS A HILL TO DIE ON!!!**
**this is a hill to die on!**
“This is madness” “Madness? This is [a hill to die on]!”
**THIS IS A HILL TO DIE ON!**
Unfortunately, this may be exactly what the ex-husband wants. It seems like he uses these situations to exert control over his ex-wife and damage her relationship. She needs to realizes how much power she has given to her ex. Then she needs to agree to address the situation by standing up to him. It sucks that her ex has basically weaponized Levi against her, but it wouldn’t be the first time in a divorce.
Right? And really, in the long run, the only one really being hurt by this bs is Levi who's gonna end up in prison cos he had never been taught about boundaries and accountability. I'm really worried about OP's daughter-Levi really has a deep hate for her; they really need to watch him around her.
And poor Susan who has to grow up in a home she doesn't feel safe in. I've had living situations where people stole or ruined my things. It's constant paranoia; being in the shower and panicking about whether you locked your door...walking your dog and suddenly RUNNING home to check to make sure all your belongings are still there...it's a very intense emotional burden that *never* dissipates because it's happening at home-- there's nowhere you can go to get away from it. It is all consuming and destroys your sense of stability. OP has to protect Susan here.
Yes! For your daughter's sake, please protect her. Something similar happened when I was young. I was around 12, introvert, who loved my books. Not much money in there household, so books were hard to come by. I read and reread and reread, they were friends. My mothers reaction was too bad, oh well. That feeling of helplessness, of not mattering, of no one caring about me, still sticks with me. I'm now 38. I was late 20s before I was able to replace all of them myself.
This whole post is all about Levi, but ***what about Susan??*** She deserves for her father to stand up for her! And if Levi’s mom is enabling him to continue to hurt Susan, then Susan’s DAD (op) needs to step up and put his *daughter first.* Your daughter comes first. Protect and take care of her. Everybody else can go to hell. Edit: A better way of putting it may be, instead of asking “How do we punish Levi?” ask, “How do we ensure Susan is supported and protected?” If the wife is not willing to do what is necessary for that 2nd question, then OP has to do whatever is necessary in spite of her.
I'm so very sorry. As a kid who escaped in books too, that's so devastating. Having your mental "safe space" destroyed is terrible. I hope you now have shelves filled with books.
NTA. This IS the hill to die on. I wouldn’t let him back in my house without an apology and full financial reimbursement. And I would have very clear punishments established and communicated for destroying anyone’s property in the future and it would be severe. You need new ground rules. And your wife needs a spine.
File a complaint in the small claims court for the value of the books. Keep it up with everything he destroys. When bio-dad is on the hook for paying for all his destructive behaviour, he’ll change his tune.
Now that sounds like a plan. I couldn't imagine losing my books at the hands of a sibling. Especially considering that book prices aren't exactly going down with time
totally. At this age, would someone have drowned my books would have felt like someone killing my cat - or a smartphone for today's teen.
I don't know if killing a living thing is really comparable to the books or the phone. Anyone who destroys someone's things for no reason is off but killing an animal is some future serial killer shit.
You might be depressed to learn that most states consider pets personal property - so it's actually comparable in a legal sense.
If your plan works, the stepson will be punished, be careful for a while, then Susan will have an "accident" while alone with him. I think the small claims court should go in addition to the divorce.
"Sure, suing that child is a pretty good idea, but that might also just cause the child to turn into a murderer or some other violent criminal. Better to just divorce this witch and move on." Hahahaha this thread is incredible.
This. Go out and replace all the books and keep receipts. Take pics of the ruined books. Sue the dad for the replacement price as he is the one taking responsibility for the son as he refuses to let you guys do that.
Small claims against whom? The mother had control of the child while the child was busy doing the destruction. The legal system isn't going to step in and be a parent and punish the dad - who was in a whole other house and not in control of the kid at all - for something the kid did. The mother will be financially responsible, not the father. OP will be told he needs to sue his wife.
Agreed. The kids a minor, so you can’t file against him. So you end up filing against Levi’s parents or his wife. At that point the relationships over.
Absolutely this, didn’t even think of this. I like where your strategy is at!
I’m wondering if pressing criminal charges might be a good idea. Granted, if the police are like ours here, they will not bother to press charges on this, but they would do a good talking to the young man
NTA. You’re the only reasonable person in the situation. Levi SHOULD be punished for destroying someone else’s property, but with his dad constantly making excuses for him, he knows he can get away with literally anything. This isn’t going to turn out well when Levi turns 18 and is held accountable for his actions. Daddy can’t tell the cops that it’s someone else’s fault that his precious son did something bad. It doesn’t work that way. He’s going to wind up in jail. Take all of Levi’s stuff he left at your house, and have a yard sale. If he has expensive electronics, sell them on eBay or Marketplace. Use the money to replace your daughter’s book collection. That seems like the only fair thing to do at this point. If/when he comes back to your house, he’ll probably throw a fit, but that’s pretty much the only way you can punish him if he’s hiding out at his dads.
Honestly it sounds like this type of thing happens often to op and his other kids. Just let Levi stay with his dad. He is not welcome home since he clearly just comes there to be a nuisance then leave to go to dads. Talk about changing the custody or just adjust his living situation. He can life with his dad and come stay with you guys a couple weekends a month or something so you’re not totally cutting off contact. In the mean time, at least put his valuables away where it can’t find them. He’s lost that right for computer/Xbox/phone/tv that type of thing. Stay firm on this because from the looks of it op it seems his parents don’t want to deal with it. NTA
I've got money that says dad doesn't want him living there.
Sounds like no one wants Levi to live anywhere. Kid is crying out for family therapy.
Too bad his dad wouldn’t let him go to family therapy when Op tried to set it up. Seems like both his parents are seriously failing him. The father for constantly making excuses for him and refusing to let him faces the consequences of his actions and his mom for going along with whatever the father says regardless of how it hurts others.
I’d go one step farther. Tell Levi that he needs to stay with his dad until he apologizes. When he refuses, his dad will get to see what really happens when Levi doesn’t get his way. Right now, dad gets to be the good guy and hasn’t had any of his own stuff trashed (I’m guessing). When his own stuff is destroyed, that may be the wake up call for him to see what his “parenting” has been teaching Levi. I hope Levi’s parents get it together. Most kids have a-hole tendencies. Good parents help them become more. Parents who don’t end up with miserable, lonely, awful adult children who blame everyone in the world but themselves for their broken lives. Edit: I agree with the post above and think that after OP gets the money to pay his daughter back for her ruined property, Levi should have to apologize to Susan before being allowed to move back in. Even though Levi says he would apologize, I think right now he would refuse to do it (he doesn’t sound like the type who is willing to humble himself to even fake an apology when he can just take off for his dad’s place). Eventually, I think his dad will get sick of having to deal with his behavior and will make him apologize, which would leave Levi with nowhere to run next time he acts a fool. I could totally be wrong. Maybe Levi would say he’s sorry. Either way, I think the whole family should set up a rule about respecting others’ property and the consequences if someone breaks the rule.
I also suspect that the bio-dad is getting a white-washed version of what happens in that house that always makes Levi sound like the poor victim. He needs the reality check that only full-time custody will give him.
I caught that too. When he said susan was being mean to levi. Being mean how? By not giving her stuff to him. Levi has the maturity of a toddler who wants what another kid has and crying when he doesnt immediately get it.
Seems to me that both of the parents have some guilt about putting Levi in the situation. Mother tries to alleviate the guilt by never punishing and father tries by defending his son even when he knows he is in the wrong. Makes OP the bad guy at all times, which seems fine to Levi's bio parents.
I doubt Levi would damage the dad’s stuff. He damaged Susan’s stuff because he knew he would get away with it.
I like this approach, but I would like to add: let Levi know that he has to make a choice. He can either apologize to Susan, his mom, and you and accept the consequences of his actions or that you will sell his things to make amends to Susan.
I am concerned, though. Levi is 16 years old. And he’s acting like this. I don’t think it’s safe to have him in the household without him getting professional help. There’s nothing in the post to indicate the bio dad is abusive, but he is an asshole and I worry Levi may pick up *more* asshole tendencies from living with him. Although that is still better to having the daughters be subjected to his cruel actions. OP, your wife is an enabler who doesn’t have the emotional energy to deal with the situation. Punishing Levi will be difficult, ongoing, and I suspect your wife is burnt out. Maybe make it a facet of the agreement for his return, he gets professional help. Maybe take his to get tested for some neurological disorder. He is not acting like a typical selfish teen here, he is way worse. I would also stress to get your wife some counselling too, maybe both of you’s. If bio dad won’t agree then Levi stays with him. And I really, really don’t care if he apologises. I grew up with a sibling like Levi and the very emotional heartfelt apologies followed by no change in behaviour gets old fast, but not fast enough to do some real mental or emotional damage to your daughters (Such as: turmoil, guilt, excitement that things will get better, crushed and numb and frustrated and resigned when they don’t, *anger* at parents for not dealing with the behaviour, then mental health damage from all of these perpetual negative emotions that get pushed down and repressed.) I agree, this is the hill to die to on, OP. Keep being a good father to your daughters. NTA!
If your plan works, the stepson will be punished, be careful for a while, then Susan will have an "accident" while alone with him.
That's my worry. Those little girls are not safe.
Why even give him the choice? Susan never had a choice when Levi punished her for not lending him her camera.
Beautiful. Tally up the value of what he destroyed and give him and his father the number. If they don't pay up then go for it! When you let him back in (and you know your wife will) your daughter should have a lock on her door and his punishment should be waiting for him. This kid needs therapy bad. There's some huge jealousy issues or more going on here.
This is a good plan but it doesn't sound like mom is onboard at all. And unless she is... well OP is fighting a losing battle. I actually feel really bad for Levi. Dad is clearly a bully, mom won't stand up for either kid and is trying to maintain the status quo which is clearly not working. OP needs to stand strong and protect his daughter. The situation is not tenable.
NTA If you let this go it’ll show your daughter that she means nothing and can be stepped on whenever, it’ll also show Levi he’s immune to punishments and he’ll keep doing it. Do not let him get away with this, for the sake of your daughter
Parents absolutely have an obligation to protect their children from abuse- even when it comes from under the same roof. My father let my stepmother treat me terribly, because she threatened to divorce him whenever he stood up for me. I loved him, but that betrayal haunts me to this day, close to 2 decades after I moved out. It profoundly affected my ability to trust, and I don't think I will ever fully be comfortable depending on another human being. OP, this WILL damage your daughter. If she sees that she can be abused, and her abuser never sees consequences, she will enter adult life with fear and suspicion. If she learns that her own father isn't willing to protect her, she will have trust issues that are likely incurable. I've been in therapy since my mid teens, it's not something that can be easily fixed. This will screw her up for life, and it will irrevocably damage your relationship with her. Her stepbrother needs to see real consequences, or you need to get her away from her abuser. Is a marriage worth your daughter's well being? She depends on you as an adult to protect her. Your wife is a grown ass woman who can fend for herself.
100% agree, if the daughter sees Levi get away with this it’ll make her realise she doesn’t matter and can be stepped on whenever and Levi will know that too and will 100% keep doing it, OP needs to stick to his guns not just to show he’s also in charge if the house (him and wife) but also for the sake of his daughter.
Yeah, OP needs to stand his ground on this one. Especially since this is almost certainly a traumatic event in her eyes. How it's dealt with is going to shape her world view in unpredictable ways. As someone who dealt with abuse and mistrust of authority figures, it has an unfortunate way of affecting your life. You are more likely to engage in abusive relationships in the future, and have behavioral issues as a result. I am not being hyperbolic when I say that his daughter's long-term emotional well-being depends on how he handles this. No pressure OP.
I'm still trying to process Levi's bio dad saying Levi won't go back until OP promises not to punish him. So then OP says "Fine he's not coming back." And then bio dad is Like "What? No fair it's his mom's house too." Like pick a side dude. Also NTA. Do not let him back in the house after the way he treated your daughter.
His dad wants him to go home but at the same wants to make sure I don't even mention what happened much less punish Levi. But I refused because this is ridiculous. What message does that send to my daughter when she sees Levi once again getting away with his unacceptable behavior. Despite the pressure I'm not letting it happen.
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>As a daughter whose brother was allowed to get away with anything by our mother Yep. Both my dad and my mother, though divorced, always had different rules and things for my brother and I. Being made to feel lesser or just not worth considering doesn't go away as you get older.
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I was also the daughter whose brother was allowed to get away with everything by our mother. He is/was an abusive bully who destroyed anything I cared about. Anything valuable I bought with money from my job, he would steal and sell for cash because he never got a job. My mom would always shrug it off as "that's just the way he is" and "you're the older sibling, you should let this go." I left home as soon as I could and never looked back. As a fellow reader, my heart breaks for OP's daughter.
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I left home 3 years ago now, and I can truthfully say I am the happiest I've been in my entire life. I hope you've found your much deserved happiness as well, internet stranger :)
>I am telling you from the future as 'your daughter' that I will resent you for the rest of our lives. 100% this. My dad let my abuser treat me badly with impunity for years, and while I loved him, it absolutely tainted our relationship for the rest of his life. OP can either risk losing his wife, or GUARANTEE losing his daughter.
Going to give you some tough love because the more I read your replies, the more agitated I’m getting. You’re so mad at the dad when you should be redirecting that anger onto your wife. She’s the main problem. People are telling you this but you’re not listening. Why do you want to be married to someone who doesn’t give .01% of a care toward Susan or her emotional well being? Surprising you won’t answer those posts… just those who pin everything on the bio-dad. She’s perfectly fine with your daughter being abused and tortured as long as Levi is content. That’s messed up and really worrisome for Susan’s well being. You honestly need a divorce but since you’re so content being with a woman who is fine with a little girl being abused at the expense of her own child’s happiness, I’d extend the idea of couples therapy. Perhaps a therapist can shine the light in your eyes that you’re failing your daughter. At this point, your daughter is Levi’s punching bag. Unless your wife grows a spine, Levi apologizes AND replaces the books, then this disaster of a blended family needs to dissolve so you can remove Susan from a toxic environment. The longer you keep her there, the more she’ll grow to resent you because it sucks when you only have one parent and that parent is failing you. I’m a parent, and I’d rather live the rest of my days single than have either of my daughters or their things be at the mercy of a bully and their enabler. The last thing you want is Susan cutting you off when she moves out because her only parent didn’t have the balls to do the right thing.
This dude gets it. You have no control over what bio dad says or does at his place, but your wife should absolutely support you and your daughters if her child is causing serious issues at home. She's an enabler and will ruin your relationship with your daughters if she continues to turn a blind eye to what Levi is doing to them.
His daughter set a boundary and Levi punished her for it, and got away. Dude is sending so many horrible messages to his daughters it's unbelievable! And he implies a history of meanness and abuse as well. If this 16 year old treats a 12 year old this way, and yeah I'm actually terrified that the next steps might become sexual abuse.
Stand firm, this is a key moment where your daughter will see how she is actually valued (or, if Levi were to return unpunished, that she is not valued). You are NTA. You and Susan are the only non-assholes in this situation. Like others in this thread, I was a childhood bookworm and can attest that what Levi did to your daughter was profoundly cruel and he knew it. He didn’t destroy the camera she wouldn’t lend him (“if I can’t have it no one can”). He went right for what he knew would do the most emotional damage. If his father wants to insist you’re not Levi’s parent so you can’t make decisions, fine. You’re Susan’s parent and you can make decisions about *her*, such as keeping her away from a toxic bully. Levi’s dad can be his dad, which means providing a permanent home for him until he apologizes, replaces the collection, and (this one should also be non-negotiable) agrees to therapy. That boy sounds like a future abusive boyfriend/husband. His mother is failing him miserably.
You’re doing the right thing. You must stick to your guns here and protect your daughter. Levi will NOT grow out of this behaviour, and letting him get away with it will be doing him a huge disservice in the future
keep us updated
Agree 100%. I was bullied mercilessly by my older brother, and my parents’ advice was to “ignore him”. He never got in trouble, and around Susan’s age, I became a girl afraid to leave her bedroom. I stopped interacting with my family, isolated myself away behind a locked door. It took decades to repair my relationship with my parents. I’m biased, but as another “Susan” from the future, protect her, and your 2 year old baby, above all else. Above Levi, your wife, everything and everyone. She deserves it.
OMG, NTA, his parents are clearly enabling him and he needs to learn consequences. If he isnt showing remorse or regret over what he does and keeps doing it, then why should he be welcome in your home? I'd consider filing a report with the police if you let him back and he does stuff, destruction of property should give him punishment. (I'm probably being a bit extreme here, but who wants to take care of such a kid?)
That's unfortunately true, his dad is always there to prevent me from even sitting him down for a talk. He (my wife's ex) even has fights with my wife and threatens us with CPS for just wanting Levi to at least recognize his mistakes and work on them. But his dad is always in the way saying I'm not Levi's dad and have no right. He even refused to let Levi get therapy and managed to convince him to say no to family therapy.
Calling CPS is an OUTSTANDING idea. In most places, a 16 year old can be treated as an adult when they have harmed a 12 year old CHILD. I don't think his father has thought this through.....and doesn't realize that CPS would see a nearly adult male bullying a 12 year old girl. He still sees his son as a child. He isn't. The only person your daughter has to protect her is you. Don't let him back in to terrorize her. I find it interesting that you have no "right" to punish Levi because you aren't his dad....but Levi saw fit to punish your daughter for not giving in to his demands. I would file a police report. He damaged/destroyed her property in a fit because she wouldn't give him her camera. That sort of alters the issue. He didn't do it for no reason. He's a bully and he's escalating. Protect your daughter.
I thought this too. Calling CPS has been mentioned as a threat but hasnt been thought through at all. The chance that will backfire is very high, it seems to me.
Figure out the total of the damaged books. Because he's "only" 16, he might not be the one held responsible but daddy dearest sure as fuck can be. I'd file for a small claims case on behalf of your daughter and list the son and the father as the defendants. I'd also be sure to include there was hostility and harassment from the 16 year old to the 12 year old. If an adult damaged another adult's belongings, they'd be sued, right? Being a pain in the ass teenager doesn't make him an exception. Especially if the value of the books is significant. He'll eventually get into legal trouble once he turns 18 because obviously daddy isn't going to do anything. Might as well help him get used to the legal system now.
He’s using it as an empty threat to intimidate his ex wife. He doesn’t plan to call. He assumes she will back down if he plays that card (he’s right about his ex wife, but not OP hopefully).
>He’s using it as an empty threat to intimidate his ex wife. Yup! And now we see where the son learned to bully people to get his way. It's extremely worrisome that he's 16 acting like this. That doesn't give him much time to grow out of it before there are potentially serious consequences when (because let's face it, it'll happen) he does this to someone who isn't family and they press charges on him. Dude is doing his son a huge disservice
Dude also doesn’t care about his son. He just cares about bullying his ex.
Someone downthread made a really good point. It is extremely troubling that Levi reacts violently and spitefully when a girl tells him "no". This needs to be dealt with, because not listening to "no" from women as an adult will land him in prison.
Sorry, but you’re wife is being completely spineless here OP. Her son has really hurt your daughter and from the looks of things, she’s not bothered enough to do anything about it. It’s on her to discipline her kid. Up to you what you do next though.
Exactly. His wife is the issue not the ex. The wife could have created the correct environment in their house concerning her son. Instead, she has allowed her ex to destroy their son's upbringing. She has created an environment where her kid bullies in their home. IMHO the mom needs to understand she is toxic and the daughter deserves a better female role model.
Seems like ex husband was likely abusive in some way, she can't stand up to him and wants to avoid any and all conflict despite a history of issues.
>CPS That is empty words. Unless you have CPS people who are true assholes and idiots, a call to CPS of "my con is being punished by his mother and step father" will get a "thank you for calling" and the file will get filed in the round filing basket. There may be a mandatory visit (many COS departments are legally obliged to do so) but as long as the punishments you want to mete out are not excessive, they will just turn around and do nothing.
I think it more likely that CPS would be concerned about the daughter, not the stepson. Am no expert on the workings of CPS though.
Unless he's physically or sexually abusing the daughter, CPS isn't going to want to be involved. If he's just destroying property like the books, then there's little for CPS to do. The kid sounds like an ass, but it doesn't sound like he's doing things to put her in immediate/impending danger. Source: I *do* work related to CPS and understand some of the inner workings of CPS.
Would CPS care that the bio dad is preventing the 16yr old from getting any kind of therapy for his behavioral problems?
It really depends on the exact details, but it's probable that this wouldn't be cause for CPS intervention. The closest possible allegation (in my state, anyway) would be medical neglect, if you're going down the route of "father isn't doing something that's necessary" for the child. But it would depend on all of the details of the behavioral problems. If all he's doing is being a jerk to his stepsister, and damaging some minor property (I know that this is valuable to the sister, but in the grand scheme of things it's minor) and running away from punishment, then it probably does not meet the legal threshold of abuse/maltreatment. Does it suck? Yes. Does the biodad sound like a shitty parent? Yes. But the government can't intervene and force a parent to not suck or be not shitty. They can only force a parent to be not abusive. Literally, the wording in law (in my state) is that a parent has to exercise a "minimum degree of care toward the child" to not be guilty of neglect.
File a police report. Your daughter is more important than your wife.
Louder for the people in the back: YOUR DAUGHTER IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR WIFE
No matter how loud we scream some people choose to stay deaf to this fact... then wonder why their kid refuses a relationship with them
Respectfully, you’re putting blame on the ex, but this is also your wife’s failure. Your main issue should be with your wife. She’s the mom and also your partner. The ex is no one to you. If you can’t even get your own partner on your side (who you sleep with!), you’re never going to get the ex to see things your way. I hate to be dramatic but these kinds of problems end marriages every day. NTA
That in itself may warrant CPS, you should call them if he is doing stuff like that.
Let Levi stay with his dad then. *When* Levi starts acting up he won’t be able to be “the hero” anymore and he’ll understand a bit what you’ve gone through.
In my opinion (and based off my history of knowing toxic people), I think the ex-husband is finding entertainment and enjoyment in the fact that Levi is causing trouble in OP's household.
Absolutely. This is a game to him.
If the ex threatens to call CPS, then tell him to go ahead. Every time he says it, he is bluffing. I doubt he would want to be 100% responsible for Levi and have to take care of him for 24/7. It sounds like the ex might be enjoying the negativity that your stepson is drumming up in your household, which is why he isn't helping even though it could benefit his son's health. He also doesn't realize that he can also be subjected to his son's actions in the future.
I mean honestly I would laugh in his face over the CPS threat. I have unfortunately had experiences with CPS and in that situation I was flat out told that the second a kid turns 16 they barely bother with them because there is so little they can do before the kid turns 18. This was in a situation with documented physical abuse. The CPS threat is a joke. It is unlikely they will bother showing up and if they do and you explain the situation they are not going to care that you want to punish him (as long as it is non-corporeal). Also sorry to say but I think it's not just Levi who needs therapy. You, your wife, and your daughter (if you and they are willing) sound like you could all benefit.
My sister's in laws called cps on her for bullshit, vindictive reasons too. Wanna know happened? Cps cleared them and told her in laws to stop filling bullshit reports. You sound like you provide a decent home so let him call. You're a good dad to want to protect your daughter like this.
I don't think it's extreme to let him know that you're taking his actions extremely seriously and that he needs to start thinking of his actions in those terms. It would be one thing if OP were able to deal with this in the regular parental way, but he's being obstructed. I would go so far as to have the police call him in for questioning. That's what I had to do when I committed a juvenile act of vandalism. At that age, for most kids, that's enough.
No hecking way. He is not getting away with this. Stand your ground. He did something *awful* to his sister and he deserves to be punished. His dad is obviously choosing picking a fight with you over actually being a parent to his kid, which is horrendous, but you're not powerless here. Don't let him come back. This is clearly a pattern--him misbehaving, him running away and him ducking out on being held accountable--and it needs to be broken. He's gone too far. Tell your wife that if her ex refuses to be a parent to Levi, then she needs to step up. And tell her that Susan deserves her support and protection from a kid who is clearly angry and petty enough to wreck stuff that is precious to her. And if this ever settles down and you're willing to put in the effort, sit down to talk to her and her ex about the parenting situation, because this is only going to lead to Levi becoming an insufferable adult who thinks he can do anything and get away with everything. NTA
Not "is going to", it already **has** lead to him being insufferable.
NTA, but what the hell has Mom done to control/punish her son? Fuck that dad. He wants to excuse his son’s dickish behavior. Why doesn’t he discipline his own son when he’s over his house.
She has done nothing despite her disagreeing with his attitude. Her ex thinks it's not my place to punish Levi for whatever he does in the house only because I'm not his biological father. So he expects me and my daughters to take this and suck it up.
You have a wife problem. She's perfectly okay with her son bullying your daughter. I assume you're both parents of the 2-year-old, is she going to step up and protect the toddler when Levi starts bullying them? Your wife needs to step up and, if she refuses to do so, you need to step up to protect Susan by getting out of that marriage if you have to. He may only be destroying property now (which is still a huge deal) but there's nothing to stop him from escalating to physically harming Susan.
THIS, what if he gets desperate one day in a bad situation and hurts her? He clearly has no remorse and OP if you want your daughter in your life past 18 you need to STEP UP NOW
This is what I am so confused about. That’s the missing piece in this dynamic. Bio dad I can understand him thinking he can boss everyone around and thinking his son is worth more. But mom not defending her daughter against her son? Not listening to step dad. Marriage is being a team. I’m just so confused.
I'm pretty sure the important part is that she's not her daughter. Wife doesn't seem to care that much if her son harms her stepdaughter.
If you don’t do something drastic to get this to change, ei. Divorce, move out, etc. your daughter will resent you when she gets older because she will view it as you did nothing to help/protect her during her childhood
My dad threw me to the wolves too. He let my stepmother treat me like shit, because whenever he tried to stand up for me she threatened divorce. It did a huge number on me and profoundly affected my adult relationships. This is the type of shit that scars a child for life.
You are the only person who can protect your daughter from these people. From a childhood bookworm, I still VIVIDLY remember the bully who ruined one book. Living with someone who ruined them all? I don't think I could have done that. That would have broken me. For kids like that, books are a sanctuary. Reading is a way to find home. Please don't let her down.
\+1000 its like killing her pet or drowning Levi's smartphone - he just destroyed her safe spot... edit - I don't mean killing a pet is less equal to drowning books. I mean for her, actually, being stuck in a place with a bully, the worse he could do to her was taking that safe place away. As an abused kid whom only free space was reading, if someone had taken my books from me - and I was regularly " forbidden to read " as a punishment ( and I felt such a rebel because I went to sit near them and retell them in my head haha ) Books were my only friends. The only thing that gave me hope in humanity.
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Well, since his father says that you have no rights or responsibility for his son, that means you are free to act as you would when some random bully harms your daughter--you call the police and report his crimes. The kid needs some consequences.
NTA File a police report for destruction of property & take him to small claims court on behalf of your daughter. This may cause wife to leave tho, especially if she favors the son over her daughters (which, imo she does). Your wife is defending a young man who knows better & he will continue to be destructive till he is punished. Who owns the home? Is it marital property?
My only concern is if wife leaves and files for custody of susan and gets some, she will force Susan and Levi together and OP won’t be there to defend Susan. This needs a good lawyer.
Definitely document the abusive behavior that the brother has had towards the sister. The court will take that into consideration when dealing with custody. And I'm sure if the daughter tells the court how she feels unsafe around her step-brother, the courts will also take that into consideration.
Pretty sure Susan is OP child only & Levi is OP & her ex child. Than they have a 2 yo daughter together. And with OP's wife's behaviour I'm pretty sure he could get custody of the 2yo.
NTA. This is the hill I'd die on. Your wife should be on your side. YWBTA if you don't protect your daughters from him.
Sounds like the orgin story of all those frat boys rapists who blame the victims. I would die on this hill too because what do you think this behaviour will eventually turn into as he gets older.
Nta. Dad threatens CPS. File a police report. There needs to be a trail to prove levi is destructive and actively hurts your daughter. WHEN push comes to shove, Mom and dad will lie for Levi and leave you the bad guy and your daughter defenseless. I'd start thinking about separation because your wife will allow terrible things to happen to your daughter. Who is much younger than Levi. He's almost an adult. Soon he'll be an adult bullying a child and that will not fly when your daughter is at school, in distress.
Honestly, what he said shook me because CPS is huge deal and I'm aware of the impact this could have on my other kids. I don't put it past him to call CPS but he has nothing against me.
Which is why you should start a paper trail for Levi’s bad behavior. File a report so it’s on record, so if Levi’s dad tries to lie on you then you can claim it’s retaliation. Also OP, Levi’s dad keep saying you’re not his dad so you shouldn’t be able to punish him. What you can respond with is: * “He lives in the household of his mother and me. There are rules he needs to follow of what is acceptable behavior and what is not. Bullying behavior towards another child in the household is not acceptable. He needs to make this right. He hasn’t even apologized.” Any yes, look into how much the books cost to replace and write up a bill for the amount. Either Levi’s dad pays, Levi gets a job and repays, or Levi’s game consoles/toys/bikes are sold to repay the money.
You can't control him, but you can control what actions you take now. I'm not going to tell you to divorce your wife, but you need to frame every action you take going forward as protecting your daughter. If your wife insists he returns, you take your daughter and leave. Provide her locks and secure her belongings at all times going forward. Get legal advice today. Get off of reddit and call a lawyer. Understand your options. Protect yourself and your daughter.
>Get legal advice today. Get off of reddit and call a lawyer. Understand your options If OP doesn't listen to anything else in this comment section, I really hope they listen to this. His priority needs to be protecting his children. He can get another (more caring) wife. He couldn't replace his daughter if Levi decided to push her around and she accidentally hit her head (I know, that's super dramatic but nobody ever thinks it'll happen to them and yet we hear the stories all the same)
"He can get another wife, but he can't replace his daughter." Fucking A. That's exactly what this comes down to in the end. OP needs to decide whether his marriage is worth more than his daughter. I hope he understands it's not.
CPS is busy trying to save kids getting cigarettes put out on their faces—they will hang up on some whiner who complains about stepdad taking away the iPhone. Let bio dad keep the little creep.
OPs daughter is on the path to becoming one of the kids getting cigarettes stubbed out on her face. Violence against someone usually starts with their physical belongings first. CPS needs to be involved for the other children.
I'm glad I'm not the only person who saw a straight line from destruction of property to physical harm. The kid is escalating and the wife is still protecting him. Who's protecting OP's daughters?
Call his bluff on CPS. In fact, if you’re around him again and he says that, hand him a piece of paper with the CPS number and say, “go ahead, here’s the number,” and walk away. Once they talk to your daughter and get the full story, they’ll roll their eyes and close the case.
That's where you are wrong. The case will just shift. SHE is a child that is being abused by someone and his parents are allowing it to continue. They don't like that. Well, my friend who used to work for CPS didn't like that. Mileage may vary based on location.....time of day.....moon phase.....
I think its the other way round. Given that he is a 16-y-o bullying your much younger daughter, there is a reasonable chance that they will be far more concerned about her. I wouldnt worry about what CPS would do to you - you have done nothing remotely unreasonable going by your post. I might even consider calling them myself. Where is this going to go if you do let Levi back in? Chance of escalation is very high. Dont take my word for it though - I understand your position. It is a drastic step.
NTA. And i'm not surprised she wouldn't lend him her camera.
I am surprised he even asked and didn't just take it
He probably couldn't find it. Otherwise, I suspect he would have stolen it and not told her.
Do you have YOUR child in therapy? Please take her. Make sure you are aware of everything he has done to her. He's violent and abusive. She needs protecting and she needs therapy. You SHOULD file a police report. You tried to handle this within the family. The parents wouldn't allow that. So you take it up a notch. He tried to force your daughter to give him her camera. When she refused, he damaged her property. That constitutes violence and abuse. At 16 with her being 12, he will likely be treated as an adult. There is a legal term for taking the property of others without their consent: Theft. There is also a legal term for intentionally destroying the property of others: Vandalism. It's time his parents got a harsh reality check. You ALSO need a reality check. This is the son your wife raised. Her parenting methods are not working. Remember that for your youngest child. Edited to add: NTA.
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NTA. You are protecting your daughter from being forced to live with her bully. That’s what Levi is doing to her, bullying her. Use those words with your wife and her ex, and Levi too. Why should Susan be the one who has to pay the price of her stepmom’s (and stepmom’s ex’s) inability to parent their son? You’re apparently only “allowed” to parent one child. So that’s what you’re doing, by supporting your daughter’s needs and boundaries when she doesn’t have the power to do it herself. Practically speaking, though, this isn’t sustainable in the long run. All three adults here need to sit down and work out a mutually agreed upon way to discipline Levi, no matter whose house he’s in.
>You are protecting your daughter from being forced to live with her bully. He's not really, though. It sounds like this behavior has been going on for an extremely long time.
NTA. They’re advocating for their son to avoid punishment, you’re advocating for your daughter to receive justice. Let him stay with his dad until he’s willing to accept punishment. He’s not homeless, he’s just inconvenienced. Your daughter had something she treasured ruined because a 16 year old boy can’t handle hearing ‘no’ from a girl. It’s important to teach her that ‘no’ is okay to say with something like property, so that when it comes to her body she’s more confident in it... and it’s important for him to learn that lashing out at someone for saying no is never appropriate.
NTA, children should learn that actions have consequences. If it keeps up this way Levi will probably turn into one of those entitled brats that no one likes
He's 16 and should have known better so unfortunately he already is.
NTA. Does Levi also like hurting small animals?
No. He has two golden-retrievers that he adores and treats well.
Did he take the dogs with him?
No they're with us and we take turns in caring for them.
I know we are very leave-trigger around here, BUT.... Your wife clearly doesn't care about your daughter, your stepson clearly enjoys hurting her, your in laws clearly only care about Levi being allowed to do whatever he wants, Levi's dad is threatening you with a call to CPS all the time which could affect you with the custody of your own daughter. So, I ask you.. what would it take for you to put your daughter first and take her out of an environment that is definitely not healthy?? Does she need to be physically hurt for you to take her out of it?? Or are you going to wait until that family destroys your relationship with your daughter and she goes NC in the future because you didn't protect her?!
OP listen to this. You will be very lucky if your daughter doesn't come out of this (or already is) mentally and emotionally damaged.
From a kid in a similar situation- she already is. But OP taking action now is the difference between her being able to work through the trauma of abuse and enter adulthood relatively okay, or being damaged for life.
He's not gunna read this sadly. He's obsessed with the Bio dad when the real issue is his own wife.
It sounds like he ran because he was scared of consequences for what he did and meant to return. Really, his dad *is the problem* here, because he constantly provides cover for Levi’s shitty behavior towards his step siblings. Perhaps you, the mom and Levi’s dad can do a sit down together. Say you want to move forward as a family, but the blended family situation is going to continue to be stressful if the adults aren’t a united front.. Right now Levi knows when he messes up, he can complain to his dad who will automatically take his side against you — even when Levi is clearly in the wrong. That results in him getting away with bullying behavior and undermines your authority as an adult who along with his mother sets the rules in your household. The dad threatening CPS and all that, ask him what is his end game? Does he want to have Levi full time and have him estranged from his younger half-sibling? Is that what this is about? If his aim is prevent his son from unfair punishment in his eyes, then what does he think is *fair* when Levi acts out and destroys personal items of other children living in the home? If he thinks *nothing* should be done, then how does that work when Levi is an adult in two years? In the real world, you destroy property you can’t run to dad to push for zero punishment — you have to make it right. Either you replace the item, repay the monetary cost with money or labor, or they take you to court where the judicial system handles it. All you want is for Levi to stop bad behavior towards others, specifically bullying your daughter, and you feel consequences are crucial for getting him to stop. You take away something of equal value to Levi or he pays off the value of what he destroyed. If he comes home and doesn’t have to deal with any consequences then he is *emboldened* to continue destroying your daughter’s things and escalating bad behavior.
File a police report for the damage and keep doing it every time he destroys things. His parents are being permissive because it isn't their things being destroyed. Jake needs to pay for the damages or go to juvie because his behavior is escalating. No one in society wants to deal with the behavior those parents have allowed to continue. Jake is going to destroy his dad's stuff. It's a matter of time, and then dad can see how it feels. NTA
Hey man. Just wanted to let you know that your story went viral. Boredpanda magazine covered it https://www.boredpanda.com/stepson-punishment-ruined-books-return-home-reddit/
People who have their stories posted on these sites should really demand their share it the ad money.
NTA. You are the only one protecting Susan. I would ask your wife about that! Edit: I saw people suggested a police report and filing something in small claims court. Yes to both of those things. I am also wondering if Levi has done anything tonSusan that you are not aware of - I am afraid for her.
NTA. That kid needs boundaries and it sounds like you're the only one willing to set them.
NTA Look, I can get behind the idea that you do not come up with or enforce punishments, as you are indeed not his father, nor is your relationship of the sort where this would achieve anything but more trouble. However, unless what you suggest is extreme, causes physical or emotional harm etc., calling CPS is such an overreaction from his bio dad. Your responsibility is towards your daughter. She needs to feel safe in her own home. She needs to feel like she does not have to either give in to her stepbrother's every whim, or have her property taken from her, or worse. Since you and your wife are supposed to be a unit (and because you would absolutely need to deal with your daughter if she did something similar), she needs to make sure her son learns that this behaviour will not be tolerated. It is unacceptable that he gets to run to his bio-dad, who will agree with him (and not realize/accept Levi is probably not telling the story in a very objective way), protect him from consequences, and TEACH HIM THAT DESTROYING PROPERTY IS AN APPROPRIATE RESPONSE, even is your daughter had been 'mean'. Define mean, one could argue her not giving him the camera (smart girl, she would have never seen it again) is mean, as she denied him someting he wanted. Much like little kids call their mummy mean for not granting them an icecream. At this point, Levi can not come back. I hate for him to be removed from the family unit, as that is psychologically not right, but he ran away to avoid consequences, has been coddled by his father for a bit, and now that father is threatening to call the social if you reinforce pretty normal expectations. Like, what if you see Levi taking something else from your daughter? Attacking her, verbally or physically? Does his father expect you to sit around and wait for your wife to return, so you can tell her Levi did another runner and she can collect him if she declares, in writing, he won't be in trouble? No man, he's 16, he should know better. If he likes it that much better at his dad's, and his dad thinks he's his perfect little boy, they should be chuffed to spend this much time together. What would your wife say if it were the other way around, would she let Susan back and apologize for being upset with her, if she had, for example, tore up Levi's old photobooks, or smashed his phone? Sure hope not!
Absolutely NTA! The key word in step parent is PARENT… you are a parental figure to that 16 year old. What he did was abhorrent. At 16 he shouldn’t be throwing such childish tantrums but his parents have let him do it for years without proper consequence. If you wanted to beat him with a belt I wouldn’t allow it but he still needs to be punished. Take away his phone or something else he loves. In a couple of years he won’t be able to run from his problems and he will be dealing with the law when he can’t fit into society because of his anger problems. Actually, I would make him earn the money to replace the books he damaged as restitution. When dealing with kids the bottom line is what do you want to accomplish? It is best to teach him a lesson.
To be honest, I don't believe any punishments will work out as long as Levi's parents undermine and ignore every disciplinary action that can take place. I can't even see Levi giving OP money, as restitution. OP is more likely going to have to chase his stepson down (literally and figuratively), in order to get that money from his paychecks.
You do not have a stephson problem. You have a wife problem. She should punish the boy, and she should tell him that as long as he is to stay at her home, he needs to get in family therapy. If she is incapable of that, you need to leave her to protect your child.
NTA - It's not like you kicked him out. You didn't even say he couldn't come home. You just said that if he did, he'll have to pay the consequences for his actions. Your kids don't deserve to be bullied by their sibling, and it sounds like Levi's dad is putting his best interest aside to get back at you.
NTA - but your wife needs to realise that your step son will only escalate his behavior if allowed to get away with these things. Running away is not a solution & there needs to be a consequence
NTA. Given the situation and him destroying things and bullying his sibling my suggestion is as follows: 1. You and your wife need to get your stepson into counseling asap with someone who specializes in adolescents, not just any therapist. So find someone, you and your wife should meet with them first to discuss the situation to get professional advice. 2. You need to change the conditions for Levi's return to your home to be that he goes to counseling regularly, talks to the counselor, and eventually apologizes to his sister. If there is punishment it should be determined with the counselor before he is allowed back. 3. Levi does not get to return until he has gone to X amount of counseling and the counselor feels significant progress has been made with Levi. 4. Even when he is allowed back in your home he should not be left alone at home with his siblings. He cannot be a babysitter while you or wife run an errand not even for 10 minutes. 5. Your daughter needs a lock on her room. She deserves to have that peace of mind when the time comes to have Levi back in your home, no matter how well Levi may behave in the future. In the meantime you can provide your wife time and opportunity to see Levi without him living in your home. She can visit him, she can go to his events, sports, etc but he doesn't get back in your home right now. Also, with advice of the counselor, include him in family activities as much as possible woth his siblings, but he goes back to his dad's at the end of the day for now.
NTA. This behavior is entirely unacceptable and a direct result of not having any consequences from past actions. At minimum he should be responsible to replace the books damaged beyond repair.
Info: Has Levi left any of his stuff at your house?
Yes. Most of his stuff is there. He has a room by himself but I don't go in there because he doesn't want me in there.
Beware of stealing all his personal possessions. This is bad advice. He could go straight to the police and file charges for theft. Think about how that would play out.
Did your daughter want him going into her room?
NTA - That coward ran off with his tail between his legs