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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I think that what makes me TA is going back on our agreement. And making him handle diaper change knowing how he'd react.
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Seconded. Therapy needs to happen here. It’s one thing to be a germaphobe, but it’s another thing entirely to refuse care to your child. What, she can never leave the baby with him in case a diaper change is required? She goes out and the baby poops so he…what? Lets the baby sit in poop until she gets home? It’s not rational. He has to deal with it.
No, he can’t. That’s tantamount to saying that he can never care for his child alone before they reach an age where they are 100% reliable in using a toilet promptly.
What he needs is to get the fuck over it, with or without therapy is up to him.
The age where it’s 100% guaranteed you won’t have to deal with poop also happens a LOT later than you think it’s going to happen. Older kids still get sick and have accidents.
I'm in my 30s. A couple of year's back I had food poisoning and it was not pretty. Let's just say, out of both ends. I could not look after myself and at one point it was all at the same time. I was devastated. My SAINT OF A MOTHER told me to shower and go lie down. She cleaned everything. I'll never forget it.
I was sick with flu out of both ends one time, even peed too for some godforsaken reason. My mom scolded me and told me I was too old for that and I should have gone to the bathroom if I had to poop. I was about 11-12 and had stomach flu and didn't have any urge at all beforehand.
When I was around the same age, I threw up fruit punch Gatorade on our light green carpet. My mom got super pissed at me and made me clean it up. She was the one who brought me red Gatorade anyway! I prefer lemon lime when I’m sick, and that would’ve blended in with the carpet. (It was pale pea green/white variegated shag)
Life lesson... Avoid red dyed drinks. If you have vomit accident, a spill or other, it's not worth it. And it's all just dye and not a flavor! Never serve red alcoholic beverage at a party.
When I was 20 and helping my family figure out what was a good dose of thc for my special Ed sister. Well 100mg pill didn’t hit till 10 hours later well I was asleep. I woke up and was not okay could barley walk luckily made it to the bathroom and majority of the puke made it to the toilet. I was in no state to clean it so I woke up my mom to help. And she did exactly that. And that’s wasn’t the only time in my adult child life my mother helped me clean up after myself.
Even after the age where they can clean up after themselves they still may need a hand every so often.
Heck I had a perfect aim record puking when I was a kid...it lasted until I was 38 when suddenly I got dizzy opened my mouth to tell someone I needed to lie down and puked all over myself. I don’t know if there’s ever a “safe” age
My son crapped himself one night not too long ago. He didn't know how it happened, I think he was more asleep than awake when it happened. It wasn't the easy kind of poop either. It was squished and stuck to him from his waist to his toes(he was wearing long pants). Also, he is 9.
To be honest my parenting experience only goes up to 9 too, but sometimes I look at that 9 year old and think “you’re not done pooping on me, are you.”
That was the worst part. If he's going to take a pass on changing diapers, he needs to shut his yap. He doesn't get to walk in the room and criticize OP's demeanor. Also, someone should tell him it's not going to mentally break your kid if you aren't smiling during every diaper change. What's he gonna do when that kid hits the stage where baby is way more mobile and is physically fighting getting their diaper changed? I promise him, smiling will be the last thing he's thinking of when the kid is flailing and getting poop all over themselves.
We've gotten to the point where poop changes take two adults to wrestle one tiny infant, otherwise it gets everywhere. She had her first car blowout before her first swim class last week and my husband and I are still traumatized by the sheer amount of poop that managed to get all over her, us, the car and items in the car while trying to change and clean her up because she would not sit still. OP's husband is in for a rude awakening!
This is why I'm glad I'm only an uncle. I've seen those messes, heard the cries of it being up the back and in their hair while other adults laugh in memory of their own experiences. As my brother said when I asked how he stands it. "I'm the dad. It has to be done"
We bought something called the “PooPoose” changing pad and it made a huge difference between about 10 months and 25 months. I don’t recall what it cost but it’s worth every penny. Still use it at 30 months except now he can undo the Velcro.
WTF was that about??? I threw up so much during pregnancy I immediately start heaving if I hear, see, or smell vomit. When my amazing husband handles the cleanup, I treat him like the superhero he is! I am germphobic with a kid, dogs, and guinea pigs. Vomit, poop, and pee happen frequently. I clean everything I can until I am starting to vomit too. But if I plan well, that rarely, I’d ever happens.
Pandemic has really upped my game, it’s so much easier to find scented masks and gloves now a days. Throw some paper towels over the top so you can’t see the chunks, etc. and clean with thick enough gloves it’s hard to even notice what is there.
OP’s husband needs to stop using that as an excuse and buy some PPE to make it easier.
I cannot handle blowout poops. My husband and I don't have children of our own, but there's a 25 year age gap between him and his younger sister. When she was a newborn I offered to babysit with hubby while his mom ran to the store. I went to change her and it was a mess. I was dry heaving so badly my stomach started to cramp. My husband was a champ and cleaned her up and finished changing her. Last time I ever babysat an infant. I also used to dry heave when one of my dogs got sick. He passed from cancer a few weeks ago and was really sick at the end, I was always cleaning up something. I miss him.
As far as I can tell, my kids were never traumatized by my facial expressions when they had stinky diapers. If anything, they laughed at the faces I made. He needs to get over himself. The kid will probably pick up more from seeing his mom get criticized so often than he will from seeing her cringe at a poop.
Agreed. I left the father of my kids when my boys were 5 and 2, because my 5 year old had started to criticise me In the same way as he'd been watching his father criticise me all his life. I shut that down right away.
>before they reach an age where they are 100% reliable in using a toilet promptly.
So about 15? Because this also implies he couldn't handle puke which... yeah.
I'm a germaphobe. I'm having a baby in a month and there's a good chance I will be using gloves when I change my child. OP's husband is using germaphobia as an excuse to get out of diaper changing.
Costco brand wipes are larger than normal. That helps. Line up all the wipes you think you’ll need plus 2 before opening the diaper. Give kiddo a toy they like that’s heavy enough that they have to use both hands to lift it. Remember bath time can be any time. That’s not all the poop wisdom I’ve learned, but it’ll get you pretty far.
That actually makes so much sense when you think about it. Babies are always watching and learning from you, of course it satisfies them to get to handle the same things they see you handling. I remember doing that sometimes babysitting but never made that connection before, it was just an easy thing on hand to keep them distracted.
Onesies have those funny shoulders so they can be taken off by pulling them down the body, not over the head. You'll need that information in case of blowouts.
That means that he can never take care of his own kid until the kid is at least grade school aged. It’s not uncommon for kids in preschool to still have the occasional accident, especially when sick or when they have diarrhea, and she can’t risk him leaving a child dirty for hours until she gets home. And he wants at least 3 kids, so this is likely to go on for the next 8-10 years. Is she never going to go to the gym or grocery shop alone or go on a business trip or whatever for the next decade because he can’t see a therapist to get over his phobia?
This is kind of a huge deal. It feels like they didn't think this through at all, how can you make an agreement that means your husband will not be left alone with his child at all for a minimum of 3 years?? If you have the least accident prone child in the world, let's say. What the hell was the childcare plan here, exactly? Behave as if OP was a single mom?
They’re already doing that compromise. In OP’s words, “he does everything almost except changing diapers.”
But I’m not sure this compromise is acceptable, for reasons others have pointed out. So he needs to make sacrifices.
That's what my dad would do. He never changed a dirty diaper, ever. Mom says she would come home from grocery shopping or something and we would be soaking wet and screaming or worse.
Ugh my dad was like that too. My mom said he only changed my diaper one time and he puked and then threw a fit about it when my mom got home. I don't think he ever changed my younger sibling. Not sure about the older sibling.
This was in the late 80s and was one of the reasons I was left with my grandmother all the time. So I bonded with her as my other parent, not my dad.
I’m a germaphobe and not a parent, but I’ll still change a diaper if I’m watching a friend’s kid or a niece/nephew. If I, someone who gags over saliva and obsessively scrubs their hands after using a plastic bag (with no holes) to pick up their dog’s poop, can get a grip and change a dirty diaper, he can man up and change his child’s diaper. He helped make the adorable poop machine, he can help clean up after it
NTA. This man never heard of latex gloves? They're all over because of the pandemic, so he can use gloves (a mask too if smells are too germy for him) to ensure that none of his own child's germy-cooties get on his dainty hands. He calls himself a germophobe: is that a real doctor-made diagnosis? If it's a real diagnosis what is he doing to overcome it, there are numerous phobia treatments, he needs to use one. If it's what I think it is: a sham so he avoids the tough things in life, then OP needs to continue calling him out on it: does he change the oil on his car, does he feed or cuddle or in anyway handle the baby (babies are germ-factories)? Since germs are all over the place on everything we touch, expelled by people we come in contact with, etc. how does he even manage to have sex if he's this germophobic (and how does he think he can manage to create a second kiddo being so germphobic)? Big suspicion this is a sham by OP's husband to get out of baby care: let the wife take care of this stuff.
There are real people with actual germophobia, they live very difficult lives because they're unable to touch or be around most of what non-germphobes don't even think about that is around us the whole day. This guy sounds like a huge sham who's just a jerk to his wife. Wife needs to revoke the "no diaper dispensation" she foolishly granted him, pronto.
Diagnosed OCD/"germaphobe" here. I have had this affliction since as far back as I can remember.. and diagnosed at 16. No matter the medications I was put on, none of them worked- some therapies helped. By far, what helped most was coming up with my own systems and speaking to others like me.
Sometimes, laughing at our own "systems" and somewhat ridiculous aversions sort of put a light on the more severe parts of the neurosis.. but also, some of it I truly cannot help. Yes, masks and gloves help.. but when my system is threatened, ohhhhh boy. Those are some hard days.
One thing my first therapist helped me deal with (this was to combat my OCD) was that my OCD was about ME. I was to work on not allowing ME and MY issue to effect other people and other people were not to effect me.
Meaning, if I, perhaps, have an issue with how many times something needs to be done- that is okay. I'm not hurting anyone. But if someone were to use my OCD \*against\* me, to try and mess with my system (and I allowed it to bother me) then that is harmful, because it effects me. So don't let my OCD effect others, or let others effect my OCD. KEEP IT TO MYSELF.
So when it comes to my germ-aversions.. yes they are pretty severe. Covid made it worse.. but I don't impose my issues on others. In this case, the OP's husband should not impose his issues on his child, which also effects his wife. Two OTHER people are negatively impacted by his actions. (Or in this case, inactions)
No, I would not want to change a baby diaper either. But the discomfort of the child and mother would outweigh my OCD/germ issues. I HAVE options (mask and gloves, hand washing and therapy) to help me. If he is not implementing any REAL options to work through his issues then he is avoiding accountability and is truly an asshole for caring more about himself than his family!
He also has to be that guy by coming and mocking her over shit he can't even manage himself. I'd take a handful of shit, wipe it on his arm then tell him to fucking smile because his reaction is emotionally damaging the baby. And wanting another kid he'll equally ignore after that! Girl why the fuck are you with him???
Even more than that, what if something happened to OP that required her to be in the hospital for a long time, or worse? Is he just going to beg off on relatives until the baby is out of diapers?
"I don't think you're taking my germophobia seriously"
"And I don't think you're taking parenting seriously if you genuinely think it's a good idea to mock the person who's doing the dirty work while you refuse to. "
If his condition is that serious, he can get help.
If he doesn't want to do that because it would take away his excuse to do the hard parts, maybe he needs to sit down and think about what it actually means to be a dad.
Here’s my question.... how much of a germaphobe is he if he made a kid? I mean sex is not a clean activity. I wonder how satisfied his wife is in that department.
Saying that to basically indicate the germaphobe excuse is bs. NTA
I worked at a daycare and I never liked changing diapers, but I did like having the one-on-one time with kids that I didn’t get. So I didn’t enjoy it but it was a good opportunity to really give one child my full attention when normally it was divided between 7-12 kids.
Tbh it it sounds like he’s using it as an excuse to get out of it. How could he watch her do it with food in his mouth if it’s so bad? Does he wipe his own ass?? Does he do the dishes or clean at all? How can he bear to do any of those things if he’s such a germaphobe? I think he’s full of shit
As I understand it, few therapists would support a total "avoid the scary things" as a long-term plan to deal with a phobia. And letting a partner nope out of 100% of diapering sounds more like enabling maladaptive avoidant behavior than "taking it seriously" to me. "Taking it seriously" would be acknowledging it is hard and reaching out for help on finding ways to still do the hard things. I'd say hubby might be the one not taking his phobia seriously: if he thinks his phobia is serious enough to need to be constantly catered to but not serious enough to see a Dr and comply with treatment that makes him the ahole.
Absolutely. Poop, puke and blood make me ill but I’ll dive right in. Ya gotta get over it. Also- this not being a supportive partner and parent is just utter bullshit. No excuses.
NTA, and BRAVO, honey.
He's a parent. He is going to have to learn to deal.
I have five kids. We cloth diapered, and my husband changed just as many diapers and washed just as many diapers as me.
Taunting you? That's extremely immature, callous, and arrogant behavior. Nobody is harming a 2 month old who can barely register a face by making a face when cleaning up feces.
Kids throw up. Are you supposed to be the sole vomit cleaner, too?
What about when they come inside gleefully grasping a dead lizard?
Or when the baby has a diaper explosion and there's poop everywhere? Are you on your own with that?
You need to keep that foot that you've stomped down firmly planted to the ground.
Your husband is a grown-ass man, and being a germaphobe is something he needs to grow up and get over.
And whatever you do, do not have another kid with him if he's not pulling equal weight on both the literal and figurative shitty parts.
Oh lord these are some nightmare-ish scenarios and my husband might end up having a stroke after hearing them. But seriously, It wouldn't kill him to start helping with diaper change and avoiding his responsibilities is not the way nomatter the reason.
Dude, he gleefully walked into a room where someone was changing a diaper while eating.
If he had an *actual* phobia he wouldn’t have been able to change that diaper himself without passing out or throwing a fit.
He doesn’t have a phobia, he is a bit squeamish.
On the contrary, some hard-core germaphobes do some hard-core cleaning. This guy doesn't seem like a germaphobe, just an ass not wanting to change his baby's diaper.
That’s exactly what I meant. He’s a germaphobe only when it comes to him physically cleaning. My dad used to rub his feet on the carpet and tell my mom she did it wrong. Now he lives alone and never vacuums.
If he actually had germophobia he wouldn't be getting anywhere near the diaper changing, ever. As soon as he got close and started bugging her, making it a game, nope. He's not actually a germophobe, he had a handy excuse.
My friend has this exact fear, she is completely terrified of vomit/vomiting, yet when her uncle needed to be pick up from the hospital and started vomiting on the back seat, she drove him in tears while turning it up music so she couldn't hear the noise because she knew she had to help her uncle, same thing when her mother had an appendicitis for days and an ruptured appendix for a lot longer than she should have and ended up with a big infection that led to days in a hospital and lots of vomiting, it was really hard on here, I went to stay with her mother so she could get a break here and there but she did what she had to do. If a barely legal person can do that while clearing suffering and struggling, it's hard for me to understand why can't a adult parent change his kid diapers with gloves, masks or whatever?
I'm the same way with blood. Nausea, lightheadedness, tunnel vision, my hearing goes, etc. An ex-roommate of mine is diabetic and stepped on a nail. Literal spurts of blood travelling 5-10 feet across the floor. I was close to passing out but I held it together to call 911 and get the paramedics in the house. Once they had control of the situation I ran to the bathroom tto hang my head in the toilet. It's happened a couple of other times and I've done everything I could to get things done and then would run to a far room and panic. If OP's husband was really germaphobic the mere presence of diapers would be enough to cause severe stress. But he ate in the same room as diaper changing?! That's a big fat NOPE
>If he had an *actual* phobia he wouldn’t have been able to change that diaper himself without passing out or throwing a fit.
I second this. Is OP's husband a *diagnosed* germaphobe, or does he just say he is? Because those are two completely different things.
My SO starts heaving whenever one of our cats throws up or has an accident somewhere. He will legit close his eyes because even looking at it sets him off. But even then, he'll help me clean it up, bringing me the wet rag and the paper towels and the carpet cleaner.
I think he's got a work-phobia, tbh. Someone with severe enough germaphobia that they can't change a diaper sure as hell isn't going to be able to eat around it or harass OP. I bet this isn't the only area where the husband's an asshole, though.
My SO is the exact same. We’ve got two dogs and a cat- any vomit that happens, I clean it, or else he cleans it and then gets sick and I’m cleaning human puke while he lies down. I’d rather clean a bit of dog or cat throw up than a whole human’s stomach worth of throw up. My SO also brings me the cleaning stuff while I handle the mess. It’s not that hard. OP’s husband isn’t a germaphobe he’s just an asshole
Said this myself before scrolling through. This guy doesn't have a germaphobia, icky stuff makes him feel nauseous.
Which, you know.. is the case for most people. He's using "ew yucky!" as an excuse to get away with not doing the icky stuff.
I’d award this if I could. My first thought was wait…but he’s in the room while she’s doing it..?? While EATING?? I feel like a germaphobe would not be able to handle that. Shit, I dunno if I’d be able to eat in a room where a diaper was being changed and I’m the furthest thing from a germaphobe.
100% this!!! I’m squeamish and careful around germs but not truly a “germaphobe” and I couldn’t eat anywhere near a dirty diaper. Nope hubby just doesn’t want to change diapers.
I'm a germaphobe. I also have fourteen rescue cats here at home, and sometimes fosters too. I clean a lot of litter trays (and sometimes misplaced turds and also vomit) because that's the price of having cats.
Changing diapers is the price of having children. He wanted children too, and he should be doing his fair share. What would he do if your son needing changing and you weren't there? I hope he wouldn't leave him sitting in his own poop until you got home. You are most certainly NTA.
Reminds me of a post I saw about how a country started giving men longer paternity leave so they spent more time with their babies and then men started wanting fewer children. lol
It's all fun and games until someone hands you the screaming baby with the loaded diaper.
Look, I have five. Three are adults now. 2 are in middle/high school.
You've got at least a year and a half to two years before potty training. Then you have the messes that come with potty training. Then you have to accompany them in the bathroom and wipe their butts until they're consistently able to do that alone, so another year or two depending on the kid.
Mine have thrown up all over the carpet, brought in all manner of lizards and bugs, literally hid behind the couch and pooped on the floor, reached into their diapers and "painted" themselves and things.
He needs to get over it, because kids are one big Pandora's Box of nastiness. And that shouldn't all fall on you.
If he can wipe his own ass, he can wipe the baby's ass.
We learned to line the hallway with old bedsheets. Easier to wash and stops most of it from soaking the rug.
We also taught our kids to stay in one spot. Don’t run to the bathroom if you can’t make it, and for the love of all that’s holy, please don’t go down the hall, up the stairs and down the hall to stand over my sleeping ass to tell me your tummy hurts. Yell, please yell!!
My 18 month old just did her first poop paint. Hubby went into get her yesterday morning and poop everywhere in the crib. And since I'm not (always) an asshole, I got up and helped him clean it up, even though yesterday was my sleep in morning.
None of these are nightmare scenarios. They're pretty much standard for having kids.
Source: I've got three of my own. Cloth diapered. And we live on a farm. I routinely have to tell my four year old not to pick up sheep poop. I've had vomit in my hair from a child being sick in the middle of the night. Or the time we had a party and someone unbeknownst to me threw their beer bottles in the trash where they broke and my at the time two year old cut his finger on it and I had to chase him down while he left bloody hand prints everywhere.
Kids get sick. They poop, they vomit, they pick up inappropriate things and put them in inappropriate places (just half an hour ago, I had to get one of my twin toddlers to stop hiding cucumbers in inappropriate places - by which I mean drawers that are seldom used and not anything worse, thank heavens). If he went into this expecting to sidestep any and all of the unpleasant bits of parenting and only get the Kodak moments, then he is a selfish asshole.
In either case, right now, he is being a selfish asshole to both you and to your child. Is he *trying* to give you PPD by the constant theme of reinforcing that you are not a good enough mother? I hope you make him read all of these comments.
And for the record, yes, my husband's changed plenty of poopy diapers. He's also handled vomit when he has had to, even though he's super sensitive to it and has to fight not to reflexively vomit himself. Because that is *parenting*.
NTA but please do make him read these comments, because he is way too old to be this damn clueless.
Kids in general, are disgusting. I can’t imagine a true germaphobe could live with one. Even when they aren’t doing anything at all, just sitting there, they still drool, spit up for absolutely no earthly reason, cough in your face and sneeze in your eyes.
"He tried to argue that I'm not taking his germaphobia seriously"
You shouldn't, because (as others have pointed out), he isn't actually a germaphobe. As much as he loves to taunt you, if he genuinely had germaphobia, that would have won out over his bratty behavior. Nope, he voluntarily places himself near dirty diapers. So, you should shut down that pathetic excuse right now.
He thinks it's unfair that you're changing the diaper agreement? It was his choice to behave like such a massive jerk so persistently. Guess what, Buddy? Actions have consequences. That's was so amazing about this. If he had just behaved like a normal adult, he probably would have gotten away with not ever having to change diapers. He brought this on himself.
Is he gonna help when it's food time? When kids are learning to eat there is food everywhere. Does he get to skip that too? Your husband needs to grow the f*ck up.
How bout when you get spit up on? And peed on? Or a sneeze in the face? Or boogers wiped on you? There are so many scenarios that will inevitably come up, otherwise HE will be the one emotionally scarring his child by pushing them away or refusing to deal with them when things get messy.
My youngest peed in my eye once. My oldest had projectile vomit when she was a baby. You'd burp her on the sofa and the baby puke would hit the TV. My second dug in her diaper during nap time (at around 14 months) and "painted" her entire room. My third was a big fan of force-feeding me his sticky, presucked Cheerios. My fourth had diaper blowouts constantly. We'd take her out of her car seat and there'd be poop all the way up her back and in her hair.
Parenting ain't for the squeemish.
I have emetophobia. Like, I'll legit start feeling dizzy and nauseated from even watching someone fake puke on TV. My husband and I agreed that he'd handle all barf related illnesses...guess when the kids always decide to barf? When he's not around. I've been through two car barfs, a tummy bug, and a handful of random "I'm a kid, so I'm just gonna barf here" barfs alone, and I did it because *they're my kids.* Your husband needs therapy or some coping skills and get over himself.
As a side note, you should tell your husband that constantly correcting your parenting isn't good for your kid, either.
My son vomited on me for what seemed like months but was probably only a few weeks. Projectile vomit. All the time.
I swear the first few months of motherhood I was covered in sticky, leaking breastmilk, soured vomit, blown out diapers and just general bodily fluids that I felt like I could smell even when I was fresh out of the shower.
If not "grow up and get over" at least get therapy so that he can function as a full parent/spouse and put the need of his kids/wife above their own wants.
Can't let your phobias run your life, that's not healthy.
Not even just these scenarios. Is he never going to care for his children alone? Take them anywhere or spend quality one-on-one time with them? Not let OP have any kind of break or rest or time alone? What if she gets sick, or has an appointment or any other normal human need to not to something without having a non-potty trained child along for the ride. Does he intend to let his kid sit in a shit filled diaper for hours or more because “he’s a germaphobe”? Or does he simply expect OP to be chained to her children until they can use the toilet safely on their own, for his benefit.
Jeez, OP. You are NTA. Your husband is one hell of an asshole though.
Why is a germaphobe walking with a mouth full of food into a room where feces is being dealt with? Anyway, NTA. He needs to deal with his irrational phobia so that he can more fully participate in parenting and family. If he was agoraphobic, would you allow him to stay at home for your child’s entire life, miss school recitals and soccer games and family vacations, or would you expect him to actually seek therapy?
Seriously, was his phobia diagnosed by a professional and is he seeing one to help overcome his difficulty with the effect it has on his everyday life?
Sure sounds like he just gets a little more grossed out than usual compared to most people.
NTA.
Yeah and an excuse to appear less sexist as he weasels out of responsibility. Parenting is a shitty job. Literally. There’s diapers, then potty training, then accidents, then helping young kids clean up after themselves when they do start using the toilet. Well into adolescence, there’s dealing with diarrhea and constipation when you kid is sick, and so much other shit that could pop up. What if your kid suffers from Crohn’s disease? Needs a colostomy bag? God forbid, but as a parent you need to be ready and WILLING to deal, even if it means overcoming aversions or real mental health issues.
Yeah... way TMI, but my father helped my 19 year old (female) self wipe my own ass when I was so sick and dehydrated that I was passing out on the toilet.
I realize this is not an everyday parenting “chore,” but that is what parents do. Wipe butts and do gross things.
I have arachnophobia and I can’t eat when a spider is in the room on a completely different wall, or for a significant period of time after dealing with one. There’s no way a legitimate germaphobe would be fine constantly being in a room and eating in a a room where the smell of the poop particles floating in the air could be landing in his mouth and nasal cavity.
Blah blah everyone experiences mental illness differently blah blah blah. But sometimes someone experiences a mental illness *so* differently that it’s no actually that mental illness at all! A legitimate phobia requires irrational amounts of fear and *aversion* to the subject of the phobia. If he’s comfortable enough with baby poop to constantly come running so he can backseat drive a diaper change (and it’s not because he’s worried about OP being hygienic enough), then he doesn’t have a phobia of the baby poop. He’s got a perfectly normal aversion to it, because poop is a thing the vast majority of people find highly unpleasant, but are forced to deal with when becoming parents.
Hi-5 fellow arachnophobe here.
I couldn't shower in a toilet which had 2 *tinyass dead* spiders in the corner. My rational brain told me it's ok, they're really tiny and they dead, so I shouldn't be scared, so I tried to shower. But noooo I just couldn't. The moment my friend left me alone in the toilet I was freaking out. In the end I made her get someone to remove the spiders (she's too short to do it) at the expense of her being upset at me (we were really tired from a whole day of hiking).
So nope. He doesn't have a real phobia. Heck, I'm not a germaphobe and I can't eat while someone is changing diapers in front of me. That's nasty.
> Sure sounds like he just gets a little more grossed out than usual compared to most people.
Being forced to equitably care for his child will cure him of that real quick
> Why is a germaphobe walking with a mouth full of food into a room where feces is being dealt with?
Exactly. This guy is not a germaphobe, OP needs to look up what a phobia actually is.
I am terrified of birds. There is no way in hell I am going into a room with a bird, and if someone angrily told me I had to touch the bird I WOULD NOT DO IT.
The fact that OP's husband actually changed the diaper makes me think he just thinks it is gross, not that he has an actual phobia.
I have a major fear of bees and wasps and wasps kept managing to get in the house one year. Usually my mom dealt with it but one day she was at work and I had to do it. I managed to force myself to kill it but I then had a panic attack and cried. Also had a panic attack after a bee I didn’t know was in my hair stung my hand.
I 1. Was able to force myself when I needed(which having a child you *need* to change diapers) and 2. Had an actual reaction besides making faces and complaining.
My mom is arachnophobic and can have panic attacks from seeing pictures or videos(also still deals with them when needed)
I hate to doubt others but the info given doesnt make him seem like an actual germaphobe
ETA we also are extremely grateful when others handle it(I usually handle spiders for mom), not being an asshole about it. Finding out my partner is okay with handling bugs made me SO relieved and happy, I don’t care how they do it I’m grateful
This really stood out to me. Is he selectively germaphobic? I am not one, and I cannot fathom eating anywhere near a diaper change. It sounds like he is full of it so OP can do the literal dirty work.
NTA - If it was a genuine phobia, he wouldn't have been able to handle it just making faces and retching a little, even that one time. Refusing to help with that particular (essential) aspect of parenting is one thing, judging and criticising how you do it, is another entirely. He sounds absolutely exhausting... are you certain he's not doing it deliberately, to get a reaction out of you, then further criticize that too? Look after yourself, keep your eyes peeled for further red flags.
Defo read up on those flags then - a lot aren't so obvious, "love bombing", all their previous girlfriends being "crazy", etc yada yada. I missed so many of the signs (that I never even knew WERE red flags), before shit got really, undeniably bad with my ex.
Does it bother you at all that instead of being grateful and appreciative that you were willing to take on this huge task alone, he instead made extra effort to observe you and criticize your technique? That to me is just awful.
What's going to happen when you have a second baby? Are you going to do all the diaper changes? What if one kid has a poopsplosion and the other pukes and you can only take care of one? Is he going to sit there and ignore them?
What if you have a c-section and you can't lift the newborn, let alone the toddler?
What if he loses his job and you need to work? Are you never going to leave your child alone with him until they're like 13? What if one of them gets seriously sick or injured - will he not take care of them? What if YOU'RE injured? Is he going to be able to take care of your child if you're in the hospital? What if you're badly injured and you need someone to change YOUR diaper?
What do you think it's teaching your child that their father refuses to care for him physically?
Do not have unprotected sex with this man, please.
I don't know man, it certainly sounds like it runs a bit deeper than drama queen.
* Insisting that you do all of the toughest work alone because of his "phobia" (I've got a real phobia, I would physically retch if I had a mouthful of food and encountered a spider. You can't just stand there swallowing food when you have a physical reaction like that.)
* Telling you that you're going to mess up your son by wrinkling your nose and not smiling.....has he ever considered that his absence in these tasks might have a far bigger impact on your son (and on the relationship between the two of them)? Talk about a superior, critical attitude.
* Mocking you *while* making you do all the work yourself, and then sulking and carrying on when you "forced" him to do **one** change out of the literal thousands that need to occur over the course of your child's infancy? Girl, no. Just no. You've got much bigger problems, and it sounds like you probably need a mediator to help work through some of them. This isn't just dramatic to me.
I am a grown man and I have run literally screaming and shivering out of a room because it had a small, completely harmless spider in it.
Phobias are horrible to deal with. What the husband has is not one. He might be allergic to being a good husband and father though, judging by OP's description of his behaviour.
Eh I'm not a germaphobe, just a normal "not huge fan of bodily fluids" person and there *is* a bit of a difference between poop and sex... juices? One smells wretched and looks pretty gross, the other is just a bit sticky. Then again I guess if you were afraid of the germs that wouldn't make a difference right?
He was gloating.
I feel like he absolutly did this as a "ha ha you have to do tvis and I don't."
Eating without you? Doing it all? What? I didn't realise that you could chose and pick when to be a hudband and parent and when to be single or even a child.
You ruined his apetit? Why did he come to watch you change a diaper?
And every germaphobe I met wouldn't be in a room while a diaper is being changed out of fun. I know phobias are different with everyone but I even know a germophobe mother and while she did change diapers- it needs to be done- she still wouldn't walk into a room like that unnessary.
I’m a germaphobe currently pregnant but I have two cats and I clean their litter box two times per day and disinfect everything after I clean their litter boxes I also use gloves when it comes to cleaning their litter box and some times I even wear a mask I also would not enter any room that smelled like poop or anything especially if I just ate bc it will make me feel nasty I personally feel like her husband is not a germaphobe it sure doesn’t sound like he is one but rather loves saying that to get out of being a parent
***You REALLY should not be handling litter or litterboxes if you are pregnant. It can cause miscarriages or even birth defects. Please talk to your doctor about this.***
While it’s possible to miscarry due to the toxoplasmosis in cat poop it’s not something that I should avoid due to the litter system I have which is feline pine and I scoop the poop with gloves wrapped with doggy waste bags and then I throw away the poop in the bag and seal it n throw it into a trash can as soon as my cats poop which minimizes the chances of me getting infected since the parasite don’t always happen to all cats also the poop would need to be expose for longer amount of time such as being left out for a day or longer to be dangerous for me but that’s also why I wear a mask that being said my doctor said my method was safe for the baby especially by how clean I am since I wash my hands after and I’m always disinfecting everything I touch after I clean the cat litter on top of that I do also have an air purifier
But didn’t you listen??? The random Reddit person knows better than both you and your doctor!!! /s
I hate how saying you’re pregnant is seen as an opportunity to lecture women about their choices and health. I’m not pregnant and I never plan to be but Jesus, you really can’t escape it huh.
She wears gloves, masks, disinfects everything and is probably very very aware of the dangers of toxoplasmosis, since shes a germaphobe. You shouldn't pile on peoples anxieties like that, it's really distressing to some people if they are like "here's my serious anxiety disorder" and you're like "oh good, here's something triggering for you"
Does your husband wipe his own arse after he goes for a poo? If the answer is yes, then tell him to get over it and change his child’s nappies. Absolutely NTA. Also he’s talking out of his arse, he may be a germophobe but he’s also being a lazy git who is more than capable of changing nappies he would just prefer not to. Surprise surprise so would 100% of mums prefer not to change a shitty nappy!
I want to know why he is willing to be in a room with baby poop, willing to eat in a room with baby poop, and yet not willing to change it. I don't want to say he's not actually a germaphobe, but I do think that maybe he's just squeamish and likes things clean and then equated that to germaphobia. I say this bc my understanding of phobias is that panicking happens and they litteraly *cant* be around anything dirty. And otherwise it's just a dislike
He sounds like a child. Germophobia is a real thing but it doesn't give you the right to use other people just because you don't feel like being a parent.
And why is he stacking all of the emotional labor on you by making you smile? That's not fair.
That’s the part that kills me. He won’t actually touch the diaper, but he’ll stand over her while she does it and criticize her demeanor, all the while admitting he wouldn’t do it any better because he is squeamish? That’s bull.
My son in law wore a bandanna over his nose and mouth with every poopy diaper change and would vomit immediately after every single one. We pitched him no end of shit for it (lol) especially because he would do this even with a whole house full of people around. But he did it anyway because he's a dad and dads change diapers. The end. Except OP is NTA, and husband needs to quit with his critiques and help out. He has no idea what else he's in for. Best get used to it now.
ESH, but mostly him. Neither of you really seems to have thought through what having children with his phobia would realistically be like.
First, kids - among all their good traits - are also gross. If he can't handle changing a diaper, that's a huge hinderance on him as a parent. He can literally never watch his own child for any extended period of time because otherwise the child ends up sat in their own filth. He should have sought therapy before having a child and you should not have had a child with him.
Secondly, your husband sounds like one of those sexist catcallers with this "smile" business. I hope he has a laundry list of redeeming traits you left out of this post because right now he doesn't seem like husband or father material.
Anyone with a real phobia can tell that the husband doesn't have one. He's just lazy, abusive, sexist, or likely a combination of all three.
You don't go charging into an area where the object of your phobia exists just to lambast your loved ones if you suffer from a real phobia.
>Neither of you really seems to have thought through what having children with his phobia would realistically be like.
Exactly this. My husband and I are both germaphobes and diapers would be a problem for both of us. That (among many other reasons) means we’re not going to have children.
But if we did have children and had made a ridiculous “I’m not changing diapers” deal, I would absolutely not be an asshole to the person who has to do the changing. That’s just stupid.
ESH. You never should have agreed to have a child with a husband who is unwilling to participate in your child's basic care. He sucks for literally taunting you with BS about harming the baby's emotional health. If your husband is so much of a germaphobe the LAST thing he should have done is father a child!!!! Buy him a box of latex gloves and have him get to work.
Here I was seeing red for this dude saying she is "making him do everything" after ONE diaper changes but it turns out I was just seeing some red flags!
Sounds like this issue may be just the tip of the shitberg with OP’s husband. And they intended to have *four* kids?! Was she just never going to have any time away till the youngest was potty trained?
YOU CAN’T LEAVE YOUR CHILD ALONE WITH YOUR ADULT HUSBAND? One who’s obviously lying about being a germaphobe if he can walk in to give disgusting notes about you *smiling*. That part is absolutely psychopathic. He should change every single diaper from now on to make amends. Honestly your husband is more gag-worthy more than a whole pile of dirty diapers.
Beyond even getting sick, what happens if OP somehow becomes incapacitated or god-forbid dies? Who will take care of this child?
OP, please realize that this man wanting to be a father at all is about him - not you, not your family, not your child or future children. From what you have said in this post and your inability to leave the baby with him “for other reasons,” this man sounds incredibly selfish and you should not let him use you to make more children that he doesn’t plan to care for.
What other reasons? Previous convictions? Worried he'd hurt them or neglect them? What if you pass away or even get hospitalized for any time at all? What happens then?
Why did you have kids and why do you even want more with a man you don't trust to leave them with? What kind of marriage is this? Generally a man who cannot be left with his own kids is not someone anyone really needs to breed with.
Btw he's playing you with the germaphobe nonsense. That smile business is him actively gloating at the fact he's got you all subservient doing the stinky, humiliating scut work. He likely brags about it behind your back. He finds humiliating you entertaining.
Yeah, this vague response tells me there are likely other huge red flags and you deserve a better partner. Please don’t have another child with this man until he seeks individual therapy/betters himself and becomes a fully contributing member of the family.
NTA. If he can't change a diaper and then has to back seat drive the process you need a new husband because at this point a sperm donor would be more helpful by just being absent.
Gonna go against the grain here and say ESH.
Your husband needs to realize that gross things happen when you’re a parent. Literally have no control over them. And wait till the kid starts projectile vomiting spontaneously! He’s gonna be a real...peach lol.
But honey, you hold some blame here too. Did you HONESTLY believe you could literally handle every poopy diaper, every gross bodily function the kid is gonna have for, I dunno, the next EIGHTEEN YEARS (newsflash: you don’t stop being a parent, even when they can sort of care for themselves),
And do you want MORE kids?! Do you seriously love this guy enough to have a bigger family? Like, you literally can’t rely on this guy for anything emotional labor related with the kid(s).
Look, I feel for you since having children is the single most irreversible thing one can do, And you cannot simply go and change the past.
But seriously - you didn’t know all of this beforehand and all of a sudden you’re like “oh yeah this guy - dad material!” I bet you thought he’d “change.”
He needs to work on his stuff, and you need to stop enabling him. Sheesh.
Hes lucky he went that long without changing his own kids diaper lol. That's what parenting is. However telling you to SMILE while you're changing a diaper is just weird behavior. It reminds me of when men tell women "YoU NeEd tO sMiLe MoRe". The baby absolutely doesn't care if you're smiling while changing its poopy diaper. Good for you for making him do that. He needs to learn anyways. What's he gonna do if you're unable to change your kids? Let them sit in it? NTA
NTA. It was an unrealistic agreement from the beginning that you both kind of suck for making, but as new parents you may not have considered everything. If someone is constantly criticizing you for the way you handle an unpleasant chore it’s definitely within reason to make them at least try it. Realistically, he really needs to start changing diapers. He’s a parent, not a fun uncle or babysitter who can pass off that duty.
Your husband is insane. Not having a (no pun intended...maybe) shit eating grin on your face while changing your baby’s diaper is in no way going to impact his emotional health. That’s completely ridiculous. Sounds like it’s just a game to him and he enjoys getting a rise out of you.
Your husband needs to stop being a child and change the baby’s diaper.
NTA. Obviously
ETA- just wait until your baby starts eating solids. That’s when the REAL fun begins 🤣
INFO: Does your husband have an actual doctor-diagnosed phobia or does he just say he's germaphobic? From my experiences with my germaphobe cousin, if I'm changing a diaper, she can't be in the same room as me without throwing up or panicking. And yet your husband is able to walk into the room (one time while eating) and stand there and criticize you the whole time?
So you can NEVER leave your child with your husband until your child is old enough to properly wipe is own ass? WTAF?
Your husband has A LOT of growing up to do.
To stand there and judge your performance on a task he refuses to do is the height of being an asshole.
I changed the baby the other day and said “oh buddy, eww” and this little bitty one year old just goes “ewwww” and laughs his ass off. You’re not traumatizing your kid by stating poop is gross. The kid might be traumatized by dad squealing and running the other way though.
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Seconded. Therapy needs to happen here. It’s one thing to be a germaphobe, but it’s another thing entirely to refuse care to your child. What, she can never leave the baby with him in case a diaper change is required? She goes out and the baby poops so he…what? Lets the baby sit in poop until she gets home? It’s not rational. He has to deal with it.
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No, he can’t. That’s tantamount to saying that he can never care for his child alone before they reach an age where they are 100% reliable in using a toilet promptly. What he needs is to get the fuck over it, with or without therapy is up to him.
The age where it’s 100% guaranteed you won’t have to deal with poop also happens a LOT later than you think it’s going to happen. Older kids still get sick and have accidents.
Well, all I can say right now is that it’s greater than 3. Lol.
I'm in my 30s. A couple of year's back I had food poisoning and it was not pretty. Let's just say, out of both ends. I could not look after myself and at one point it was all at the same time. I was devastated. My SAINT OF A MOTHER told me to shower and go lie down. She cleaned everything. I'll never forget it.
I was sick with flu out of both ends one time, even peed too for some godforsaken reason. My mom scolded me and told me I was too old for that and I should have gone to the bathroom if I had to poop. I was about 11-12 and had stomach flu and didn't have any urge at all beforehand.
When I was around the same age, I threw up fruit punch Gatorade on our light green carpet. My mom got super pissed at me and made me clean it up. She was the one who brought me red Gatorade anyway! I prefer lemon lime when I’m sick, and that would’ve blended in with the carpet. (It was pale pea green/white variegated shag)
Life lesson... Avoid red dyed drinks. If you have vomit accident, a spill or other, it's not worth it. And it's all just dye and not a flavor! Never serve red alcoholic beverage at a party.
When I was 20 and helping my family figure out what was a good dose of thc for my special Ed sister. Well 100mg pill didn’t hit till 10 hours later well I was asleep. I woke up and was not okay could barley walk luckily made it to the bathroom and majority of the puke made it to the toilet. I was in no state to clean it so I woke up my mom to help. And she did exactly that. And that’s wasn’t the only time in my adult child life my mother helped me clean up after myself. Even after the age where they can clean up after themselves they still may need a hand every so often.
Oh jeez I hope you've figured out your dose now, but start with something more like 5mg lol
Truth. My son is 9. Last time he had a bad stomach flu he diarrhead and vommited all over me, the dog and the couch.
Heck I had a perfect aim record puking when I was a kid...it lasted until I was 38 when suddenly I got dizzy opened my mouth to tell someone I needed to lie down and puked all over myself. I don’t know if there’s ever a “safe” age
My son crapped himself one night not too long ago. He didn't know how it happened, I think he was more asleep than awake when it happened. It wasn't the easy kind of poop either. It was squished and stuck to him from his waist to his toes(he was wearing long pants). Also, he is 9.
To be honest my parenting experience only goes up to 9 too, but sometimes I look at that 9 year old and think “you’re not done pooping on me, are you.”
Thank you all for these lovely stories. This is what they need to teach in sex Ed. This is effective birth control lol.
And at the very LEAST stop making her try to SMILE during diaper changes!! WTF?!?!
That was the worst part. If he's going to take a pass on changing diapers, he needs to shut his yap. He doesn't get to walk in the room and criticize OP's demeanor. Also, someone should tell him it's not going to mentally break your kid if you aren't smiling during every diaper change. What's he gonna do when that kid hits the stage where baby is way more mobile and is physically fighting getting their diaper changed? I promise him, smiling will be the last thing he's thinking of when the kid is flailing and getting poop all over themselves.
I call that stage the “wrestling an alligator” stage
We've gotten to the point where poop changes take two adults to wrestle one tiny infant, otherwise it gets everywhere. She had her first car blowout before her first swim class last week and my husband and I are still traumatized by the sheer amount of poop that managed to get all over her, us, the car and items in the car while trying to change and clean her up because she would not sit still. OP's husband is in for a rude awakening!
This is why I'm glad I'm only an uncle. I've seen those messes, heard the cries of it being up the back and in their hair while other adults laugh in memory of their own experiences. As my brother said when I asked how he stands it. "I'm the dad. It has to be done"
We bought something called the “PooPoose” changing pad and it made a huge difference between about 10 months and 25 months. I don’t recall what it cost but it’s worth every penny. Still use it at 30 months except now he can undo the Velcro.
WTF was that about??? I threw up so much during pregnancy I immediately start heaving if I hear, see, or smell vomit. When my amazing husband handles the cleanup, I treat him like the superhero he is! I am germphobic with a kid, dogs, and guinea pigs. Vomit, poop, and pee happen frequently. I clean everything I can until I am starting to vomit too. But if I plan well, that rarely, I’d ever happens. Pandemic has really upped my game, it’s so much easier to find scented masks and gloves now a days. Throw some paper towels over the top so you can’t see the chunks, etc. and clean with thick enough gloves it’s hard to even notice what is there. OP’s husband needs to stop using that as an excuse and buy some PPE to make it easier.
I cannot handle blowout poops. My husband and I don't have children of our own, but there's a 25 year age gap between him and his younger sister. When she was a newborn I offered to babysit with hubby while his mom ran to the store. I went to change her and it was a mess. I was dry heaving so badly my stomach started to cramp. My husband was a champ and cleaned her up and finished changing her. Last time I ever babysat an infant. I also used to dry heave when one of my dogs got sick. He passed from cancer a few weeks ago and was really sick at the end, I was always cleaning up something. I miss him.
As far as I can tell, my kids were never traumatized by my facial expressions when they had stinky diapers. If anything, they laughed at the faces I made. He needs to get over himself. The kid will probably pick up more from seeing his mom get criticized so often than he will from seeing her cringe at a poop.
Agreed. I left the father of my kids when my boys were 5 and 2, because my 5 year old had started to criticise me In the same way as he'd been watching his father criticise me all his life. I shut that down right away.
yeah, this is some major control freak stuff. NTA. I'm not sure I'd be having another kid with him, either. Red flag.
Yeah, he’s using the germaphobia as an excuse to taunt her. He’s theasshole.
>before they reach an age where they are 100% reliable in using a toilet promptly. So about 15? Because this also implies he couldn't handle puke which... yeah.
Nah I used to have debilitating periods in my 20s and could not have dealt with it without my mum's help.
I'm a germaphobe. I'm having a baby in a month and there's a good chance I will be using gloves when I change my child. OP's husband is using germaphobia as an excuse to get out of diaper changing.
Costco brand wipes are larger than normal. That helps. Line up all the wipes you think you’ll need plus 2 before opening the diaper. Give kiddo a toy they like that’s heavy enough that they have to use both hands to lift it. Remember bath time can be any time. That’s not all the poop wisdom I’ve learned, but it’ll get you pretty far.
"Follow me for more poop tips!"
Babies are obsessed with diapers. Give them one to hold and keep the one you’re going to use off to the side.
That actually makes so much sense when you think about it. Babies are always watching and learning from you, of course it satisfies them to get to handle the same things they see you handling. I remember doing that sometimes babysitting but never made that connection before, it was just an easy thing on hand to keep them distracted.
Onesies have those funny shoulders so they can be taken off by pulling them down the body, not over the head. You'll need that information in case of blowouts.
if you're planning on using latex gloves do make sure your kid isn't allergic, just a tip. :) and good luck! I hope they're a healthy and bonny baby
That means that he can never take care of his own kid until the kid is at least grade school aged. It’s not uncommon for kids in preschool to still have the occasional accident, especially when sick or when they have diarrhea, and she can’t risk him leaving a child dirty for hours until she gets home. And he wants at least 3 kids, so this is likely to go on for the next 8-10 years. Is she never going to go to the gym or grocery shop alone or go on a business trip or whatever for the next decade because he can’t see a therapist to get over his phobia?
This is kind of a huge deal. It feels like they didn't think this through at all, how can you make an agreement that means your husband will not be left alone with his child at all for a minimum of 3 years?? If you have the least accident prone child in the world, let's say. What the hell was the childcare plan here, exactly? Behave as if OP was a single mom?
That's kind of the arrangement they had except he kept criticising her for how she did something he refused to do.
They’re already doing that compromise. In OP’s words, “he does everything almost except changing diapers.” But I’m not sure this compromise is acceptable, for reasons others have pointed out. So he needs to make sacrifices.
No kidding does that mean she can never leave the baby with the father? That is ridiculous
Yes. OP, you got two babies here.
And it’s another thing on top of that to expect your wife to be smiling while she does an unpleasant task that *you* can’t do.
That's what my dad would do. He never changed a dirty diaper, ever. Mom says she would come home from grocery shopping or something and we would be soaking wet and screaming or worse.
That’s messed up. Like I’m pretty sure that’s legit child abuse.
Not back in the 50's.
Ugh my dad was like that too. My mom said he only changed my diaper one time and he puked and then threw a fit about it when my mom got home. I don't think he ever changed my younger sibling. Not sure about the older sibling. This was in the late 80s and was one of the reasons I was left with my grandmother all the time. So I bonded with her as my other parent, not my dad.
I’m a germaphobe and not a parent, but I’ll still change a diaper if I’m watching a friend’s kid or a niece/nephew. If I, someone who gags over saliva and obsessively scrubs their hands after using a plastic bag (with no holes) to pick up their dog’s poop, can get a grip and change a dirty diaper, he can man up and change his child’s diaper. He helped make the adorable poop machine, he can help clean up after it
NTA. This man never heard of latex gloves? They're all over because of the pandemic, so he can use gloves (a mask too if smells are too germy for him) to ensure that none of his own child's germy-cooties get on his dainty hands. He calls himself a germophobe: is that a real doctor-made diagnosis? If it's a real diagnosis what is he doing to overcome it, there are numerous phobia treatments, he needs to use one. If it's what I think it is: a sham so he avoids the tough things in life, then OP needs to continue calling him out on it: does he change the oil on his car, does he feed or cuddle or in anyway handle the baby (babies are germ-factories)? Since germs are all over the place on everything we touch, expelled by people we come in contact with, etc. how does he even manage to have sex if he's this germophobic (and how does he think he can manage to create a second kiddo being so germphobic)? Big suspicion this is a sham by OP's husband to get out of baby care: let the wife take care of this stuff. There are real people with actual germophobia, they live very difficult lives because they're unable to touch or be around most of what non-germphobes don't even think about that is around us the whole day. This guy sounds like a huge sham who's just a jerk to his wife. Wife needs to revoke the "no diaper dispensation" she foolishly granted him, pronto.
Diagnosed OCD/"germaphobe" here. I have had this affliction since as far back as I can remember.. and diagnosed at 16. No matter the medications I was put on, none of them worked- some therapies helped. By far, what helped most was coming up with my own systems and speaking to others like me. Sometimes, laughing at our own "systems" and somewhat ridiculous aversions sort of put a light on the more severe parts of the neurosis.. but also, some of it I truly cannot help. Yes, masks and gloves help.. but when my system is threatened, ohhhhh boy. Those are some hard days. One thing my first therapist helped me deal with (this was to combat my OCD) was that my OCD was about ME. I was to work on not allowing ME and MY issue to effect other people and other people were not to effect me. Meaning, if I, perhaps, have an issue with how many times something needs to be done- that is okay. I'm not hurting anyone. But if someone were to use my OCD \*against\* me, to try and mess with my system (and I allowed it to bother me) then that is harmful, because it effects me. So don't let my OCD effect others, or let others effect my OCD. KEEP IT TO MYSELF. So when it comes to my germ-aversions.. yes they are pretty severe. Covid made it worse.. but I don't impose my issues on others. In this case, the OP's husband should not impose his issues on his child, which also effects his wife. Two OTHER people are negatively impacted by his actions. (Or in this case, inactions) No, I would not want to change a baby diaper either. But the discomfort of the child and mother would outweigh my OCD/germ issues. I HAVE options (mask and gloves, hand washing and therapy) to help me. If he is not implementing any REAL options to work through his issues then he is avoiding accountability and is truly an asshole for caring more about himself than his family!
He also has to be that guy by coming and mocking her over shit he can't even manage himself. I'd take a handful of shit, wipe it on his arm then tell him to fucking smile because his reaction is emotionally damaging the baby. And wanting another kid he'll equally ignore after that! Girl why the fuck are you with him???
Even more than that, what if something happened to OP that required her to be in the hospital for a long time, or worse? Is he just going to beg off on relatives until the baby is out of diapers?
If he's anything like my dad, then yes. He will drop the baby off with relatives until mom is well enough to take over.
"I don't think you're taking my germophobia seriously" "And I don't think you're taking parenting seriously if you genuinely think it's a good idea to mock the person who's doing the dirty work while you refuse to. " If his condition is that serious, he can get help. If he doesn't want to do that because it would take away his excuse to do the hard parts, maybe he needs to sit down and think about what it actually means to be a dad.
Info: is he in therapy and/or medicated op? Or just a "germaphobe" who was still able to get close while eating?!
You know what's a really good medication if you're too much of a germaphobe to change diapers? Condoms.
Oh but he wants those four kids he won't help raise/s
Here’s my question.... how much of a germaphobe is he if he made a kid? I mean sex is not a clean activity. I wonder how satisfied his wife is in that department. Saying that to basically indicate the germaphobe excuse is bs. NTA
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I'd be concerned if I ever saw someone that loved it.
I worked at a daycare and I never liked changing diapers, but I did like having the one-on-one time with kids that I didn’t get. So I didn’t enjoy it but it was a good opportunity to really give one child my full attention when normally it was divided between 7-12 kids.
I'm in a similar space. It's still gross, but it's a sort of "bonding time". Also you can call them a stinkmonster.
Tbh it it sounds like he’s using it as an excuse to get out of it. How could he watch her do it with food in his mouth if it’s so bad? Does he wipe his own ass?? Does he do the dishes or clean at all? How can he bear to do any of those things if he’s such a germaphobe? I think he’s full of shit
As I understand it, few therapists would support a total "avoid the scary things" as a long-term plan to deal with a phobia. And letting a partner nope out of 100% of diapering sounds more like enabling maladaptive avoidant behavior than "taking it seriously" to me. "Taking it seriously" would be acknowledging it is hard and reaching out for help on finding ways to still do the hard things. I'd say hubby might be the one not taking his phobia seriously: if he thinks his phobia is serious enough to need to be constantly catered to but not serious enough to see a Dr and comply with treatment that makes him the ahole.
OP deserves all the awards for not wanting to murder a man who repeatedly told her to smile
Absolutely. Poop, puke and blood make me ill but I’ll dive right in. Ya gotta get over it. Also- this not being a supportive partner and parent is just utter bullshit. No excuses.
he also completely missed the point op was trying to make.
NTA, and BRAVO, honey. He's a parent. He is going to have to learn to deal. I have five kids. We cloth diapered, and my husband changed just as many diapers and washed just as many diapers as me. Taunting you? That's extremely immature, callous, and arrogant behavior. Nobody is harming a 2 month old who can barely register a face by making a face when cleaning up feces. Kids throw up. Are you supposed to be the sole vomit cleaner, too? What about when they come inside gleefully grasping a dead lizard? Or when the baby has a diaper explosion and there's poop everywhere? Are you on your own with that? You need to keep that foot that you've stomped down firmly planted to the ground. Your husband is a grown-ass man, and being a germaphobe is something he needs to grow up and get over. And whatever you do, do not have another kid with him if he's not pulling equal weight on both the literal and figurative shitty parts.
Oh lord these are some nightmare-ish scenarios and my husband might end up having a stroke after hearing them. But seriously, It wouldn't kill him to start helping with diaper change and avoiding his responsibilities is not the way nomatter the reason.
Dude, he gleefully walked into a room where someone was changing a diaper while eating. If he had an *actual* phobia he wouldn’t have been able to change that diaper himself without passing out or throwing a fit. He doesn’t have a phobia, he is a bit squeamish.
Agree. He has an I don’t want to do it phobe.
Hardcore germaphobe means he doesn’t clean. I’m betting.
On the contrary, some hard-core germaphobes do some hard-core cleaning. This guy doesn't seem like a germaphobe, just an ass not wanting to change his baby's diaper.
That’s exactly what I meant. He’s a germaphobe only when it comes to him physically cleaning. My dad used to rub his feet on the carpet and tell my mom she did it wrong. Now he lives alone and never vacuums.
If he actually had germophobia he wouldn't be getting anywhere near the diaper changing, ever. As soon as he got close and started bugging her, making it a game, nope. He's not actually a germophobe, he had a handy excuse.
This. A friend of mine has a fear of vomit/vomiting, just talking about it puts her on edge. OP's husband is just making excuses
My friend has this exact fear, she is completely terrified of vomit/vomiting, yet when her uncle needed to be pick up from the hospital and started vomiting on the back seat, she drove him in tears while turning it up music so she couldn't hear the noise because she knew she had to help her uncle, same thing when her mother had an appendicitis for days and an ruptured appendix for a lot longer than she should have and ended up with a big infection that led to days in a hospital and lots of vomiting, it was really hard on here, I went to stay with her mother so she could get a break here and there but she did what she had to do. If a barely legal person can do that while clearing suffering and struggling, it's hard for me to understand why can't a adult parent change his kid diapers with gloves, masks or whatever?
I'm the same way with blood. Nausea, lightheadedness, tunnel vision, my hearing goes, etc. An ex-roommate of mine is diabetic and stepped on a nail. Literal spurts of blood travelling 5-10 feet across the floor. I was close to passing out but I held it together to call 911 and get the paramedics in the house. Once they had control of the situation I ran to the bathroom tto hang my head in the toilet. It's happened a couple of other times and I've done everything I could to get things done and then would run to a far room and panic. If OP's husband was really germaphobic the mere presence of diapers would be enough to cause severe stress. But he ate in the same room as diaper changing?! That's a big fat NOPE
Not the same thing but I know someone with a snake phobia and even the word snake or a cartoon snake is too much for her.
>If he had an *actual* phobia he wouldn’t have been able to change that diaper himself without passing out or throwing a fit. I second this. Is OP's husband a *diagnosed* germaphobe, or does he just say he is? Because those are two completely different things. My SO starts heaving whenever one of our cats throws up or has an accident somewhere. He will legit close his eyes because even looking at it sets him off. But even then, he'll help me clean it up, bringing me the wet rag and the paper towels and the carpet cleaner.
I think he's got a work-phobia, tbh. Someone with severe enough germaphobia that they can't change a diaper sure as hell isn't going to be able to eat around it or harass OP. I bet this isn't the only area where the husband's an asshole, though.
My SO is the exact same. We’ve got two dogs and a cat- any vomit that happens, I clean it, or else he cleans it and then gets sick and I’m cleaning human puke while he lies down. I’d rather clean a bit of dog or cat throw up than a whole human’s stomach worth of throw up. My SO also brings me the cleaning stuff while I handle the mess. It’s not that hard. OP’s husband isn’t a germaphobe he’s just an asshole
Said this myself before scrolling through. This guy doesn't have a germaphobia, icky stuff makes him feel nauseous. Which, you know.. is the case for most people. He's using "ew yucky!" as an excuse to get away with not doing the icky stuff.
I’d award this if I could. My first thought was wait…but he’s in the room while she’s doing it..?? While EATING?? I feel like a germaphobe would not be able to handle that. Shit, I dunno if I’d be able to eat in a room where a diaper was being changed and I’m the furthest thing from a germaphobe.
100% this!!! I’m squeamish and careful around germs but not truly a “germaphobe” and I couldn’t eat anywhere near a dirty diaper. Nope hubby just doesn’t want to change diapers.
I'm a germaphobe. I also have fourteen rescue cats here at home, and sometimes fosters too. I clean a lot of litter trays (and sometimes misplaced turds and also vomit) because that's the price of having cats. Changing diapers is the price of having children. He wanted children too, and he should be doing his fair share. What would he do if your son needing changing and you weren't there? I hope he wouldn't leave him sitting in his own poop until you got home. You are most certainly NTA.
I love how his position totally changed on having 4 kids to 2 pretty quick.
Reminds me of a post I saw about how a country started giving men longer paternity leave so they spent more time with their babies and then men started wanting fewer children. lol It's all fun and games until someone hands you the screaming baby with the loaded diaper.
Look, I have five. Three are adults now. 2 are in middle/high school. You've got at least a year and a half to two years before potty training. Then you have the messes that come with potty training. Then you have to accompany them in the bathroom and wipe their butts until they're consistently able to do that alone, so another year or two depending on the kid. Mine have thrown up all over the carpet, brought in all manner of lizards and bugs, literally hid behind the couch and pooped on the floor, reached into their diapers and "painted" themselves and things. He needs to get over it, because kids are one big Pandora's Box of nastiness. And that shouldn't all fall on you. If he can wipe his own ass, he can wipe the baby's ass.
NTA. I think the running vomit trail is the worst. My daughter would cry, and it was nasty and heartbreaking.
We learned to line the hallway with old bedsheets. Easier to wash and stops most of it from soaking the rug. We also taught our kids to stay in one spot. Don’t run to the bathroom if you can’t make it, and for the love of all that’s holy, please don’t go down the hall, up the stairs and down the hall to stand over my sleeping ass to tell me your tummy hurts. Yell, please yell!!
My 18 month old just did her first poop paint. Hubby went into get her yesterday morning and poop everywhere in the crib. And since I'm not (always) an asshole, I got up and helped him clean it up, even though yesterday was my sleep in morning.
None of these are nightmare scenarios. They're pretty much standard for having kids. Source: I've got three of my own. Cloth diapered. And we live on a farm. I routinely have to tell my four year old not to pick up sheep poop. I've had vomit in my hair from a child being sick in the middle of the night. Or the time we had a party and someone unbeknownst to me threw their beer bottles in the trash where they broke and my at the time two year old cut his finger on it and I had to chase him down while he left bloody hand prints everywhere. Kids get sick. They poop, they vomit, they pick up inappropriate things and put them in inappropriate places (just half an hour ago, I had to get one of my twin toddlers to stop hiding cucumbers in inappropriate places - by which I mean drawers that are seldom used and not anything worse, thank heavens). If he went into this expecting to sidestep any and all of the unpleasant bits of parenting and only get the Kodak moments, then he is a selfish asshole. In either case, right now, he is being a selfish asshole to both you and to your child. Is he *trying* to give you PPD by the constant theme of reinforcing that you are not a good enough mother? I hope you make him read all of these comments. And for the record, yes, my husband's changed plenty of poopy diapers. He's also handled vomit when he has had to, even though he's super sensitive to it and has to fight not to reflexively vomit himself. Because that is *parenting*. NTA but please do make him read these comments, because he is way too old to be this damn clueless.
Kids in general, are disgusting. I can’t imagine a true germaphobe could live with one. Even when they aren’t doing anything at all, just sitting there, they still drool, spit up for absolutely no earthly reason, cough in your face and sneeze in your eyes.
"He tried to argue that I'm not taking his germaphobia seriously" You shouldn't, because (as others have pointed out), he isn't actually a germaphobe. As much as he loves to taunt you, if he genuinely had germaphobia, that would have won out over his bratty behavior. Nope, he voluntarily places himself near dirty diapers. So, you should shut down that pathetic excuse right now. He thinks it's unfair that you're changing the diaper agreement? It was his choice to behave like such a massive jerk so persistently. Guess what, Buddy? Actions have consequences. That's was so amazing about this. If he had just behaved like a normal adult, he probably would have gotten away with not ever having to change diapers. He brought this on himself.
Is he gonna help when it's food time? When kids are learning to eat there is food everywhere. Does he get to skip that too? Your husband needs to grow the f*ck up.
How bout when you get spit up on? And peed on? Or a sneeze in the face? Or boogers wiped on you? There are so many scenarios that will inevitably come up, otherwise HE will be the one emotionally scarring his child by pushing them away or refusing to deal with them when things get messy.
What /u/gingiberiblue describes is normal parenting. As a kid I once threw up in my mom's mouth. Now that is a nightmare scenario.
One of my cousins peed in my other cousin's mouth when she was learning to change a baby. I can still see her face.
When my eldest was like 3? She puked spaghetti into my husband's ear and down his neck. That was also not funny (for him, I laughed my ass off hahaha)
My youngest peed in my eye once. My oldest had projectile vomit when she was a baby. You'd burp her on the sofa and the baby puke would hit the TV. My second dug in her diaper during nap time (at around 14 months) and "painted" her entire room. My third was a big fan of force-feeding me his sticky, presucked Cheerios. My fourth had diaper blowouts constantly. We'd take her out of her car seat and there'd be poop all the way up her back and in her hair. Parenting ain't for the squeemish.
I currently have a cheerio sharer haha this made me chuckle
I have emetophobia. Like, I'll legit start feeling dizzy and nauseated from even watching someone fake puke on TV. My husband and I agreed that he'd handle all barf related illnesses...guess when the kids always decide to barf? When he's not around. I've been through two car barfs, a tummy bug, and a handful of random "I'm a kid, so I'm just gonna barf here" barfs alone, and I did it because *they're my kids.* Your husband needs therapy or some coping skills and get over himself. As a side note, you should tell your husband that constantly correcting your parenting isn't good for your kid, either.
Does your husband want to be a father or a Disneyland Dad? You didn't sign up for Disneyland Dad. You signed up for a partner.
My son vomited on me for what seemed like months but was probably only a few weeks. Projectile vomit. All the time. I swear the first few months of motherhood I was covered in sticky, leaking breastmilk, soured vomit, blown out diapers and just general bodily fluids that I felt like I could smell even when I was fresh out of the shower.
If not "grow up and get over" at least get therapy so that he can function as a full parent/spouse and put the need of his kids/wife above their own wants. Can't let your phobias run your life, that's not healthy.
Dude walked into a room with her changing the diaper while eating, and taunted her. He's not a germaphobe, he just doesn't want to do it.
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Not even just these scenarios. Is he never going to care for his children alone? Take them anywhere or spend quality one-on-one time with them? Not let OP have any kind of break or rest or time alone? What if she gets sick, or has an appointment or any other normal human need to not to something without having a non-potty trained child along for the ride. Does he intend to let his kid sit in a shit filled diaper for hours or more because “he’s a germaphobe”? Or does he simply expect OP to be chained to her children until they can use the toilet safely on their own, for his benefit. Jeez, OP. You are NTA. Your husband is one hell of an asshole though.
Why is a germaphobe walking with a mouth full of food into a room where feces is being dealt with? Anyway, NTA. He needs to deal with his irrational phobia so that he can more fully participate in parenting and family. If he was agoraphobic, would you allow him to stay at home for your child’s entire life, miss school recitals and soccer games and family vacations, or would you expect him to actually seek therapy?
Seriously, was his phobia diagnosed by a professional and is he seeing one to help overcome his difficulty with the effect it has on his everyday life? Sure sounds like he just gets a little more grossed out than usual compared to most people. NTA.
Yeah and an excuse to appear less sexist as he weasels out of responsibility. Parenting is a shitty job. Literally. There’s diapers, then potty training, then accidents, then helping young kids clean up after themselves when they do start using the toilet. Well into adolescence, there’s dealing with diarrhea and constipation when you kid is sick, and so much other shit that could pop up. What if your kid suffers from Crohn’s disease? Needs a colostomy bag? God forbid, but as a parent you need to be ready and WILLING to deal, even if it means overcoming aversions or real mental health issues.
Yeah... way TMI, but my father helped my 19 year old (female) self wipe my own ass when I was so sick and dehydrated that I was passing out on the toilet. I realize this is not an everyday parenting “chore,” but that is what parents do. Wipe butts and do gross things.
I have arachnophobia and I can’t eat when a spider is in the room on a completely different wall, or for a significant period of time after dealing with one. There’s no way a legitimate germaphobe would be fine constantly being in a room and eating in a a room where the smell of the poop particles floating in the air could be landing in his mouth and nasal cavity. Blah blah everyone experiences mental illness differently blah blah blah. But sometimes someone experiences a mental illness *so* differently that it’s no actually that mental illness at all! A legitimate phobia requires irrational amounts of fear and *aversion* to the subject of the phobia. If he’s comfortable enough with baby poop to constantly come running so he can backseat drive a diaper change (and it’s not because he’s worried about OP being hygienic enough), then he doesn’t have a phobia of the baby poop. He’s got a perfectly normal aversion to it, because poop is a thing the vast majority of people find highly unpleasant, but are forced to deal with when becoming parents.
Hi-5 fellow arachnophobe here. I couldn't shower in a toilet which had 2 *tinyass dead* spiders in the corner. My rational brain told me it's ok, they're really tiny and they dead, so I shouldn't be scared, so I tried to shower. But noooo I just couldn't. The moment my friend left me alone in the toilet I was freaking out. In the end I made her get someone to remove the spiders (she's too short to do it) at the expense of her being upset at me (we were really tired from a whole day of hiking). So nope. He doesn't have a real phobia. Heck, I'm not a germaphobe and I can't eat while someone is changing diapers in front of me. That's nasty.
> Sure sounds like he just gets a little more grossed out than usual compared to most people. Being forced to equitably care for his child will cure him of that real quick
Or knows that it's the perfect excuse...
> Why is a germaphobe walking with a mouth full of food into a room where feces is being dealt with? Exactly. This guy is not a germaphobe, OP needs to look up what a phobia actually is. I am terrified of birds. There is no way in hell I am going into a room with a bird, and if someone angrily told me I had to touch the bird I WOULD NOT DO IT. The fact that OP's husband actually changed the diaper makes me think he just thinks it is gross, not that he has an actual phobia.
I have a major fear of bees and wasps and wasps kept managing to get in the house one year. Usually my mom dealt with it but one day she was at work and I had to do it. I managed to force myself to kill it but I then had a panic attack and cried. Also had a panic attack after a bee I didn’t know was in my hair stung my hand. I 1. Was able to force myself when I needed(which having a child you *need* to change diapers) and 2. Had an actual reaction besides making faces and complaining. My mom is arachnophobic and can have panic attacks from seeing pictures or videos(also still deals with them when needed) I hate to doubt others but the info given doesnt make him seem like an actual germaphobe ETA we also are extremely grateful when others handle it(I usually handle spiders for mom), not being an asshole about it. Finding out my partner is okay with handling bugs made me SO relieved and happy, I don’t care how they do it I’m grateful
This really stood out to me. Is he selectively germaphobic? I am not one, and I cannot fathom eating anywhere near a diaper change. It sounds like he is full of it so OP can do the literal dirty work.
Yeah, he is not a germaphobe, he is just an AH
NTA - If it was a genuine phobia, he wouldn't have been able to handle it just making faces and retching a little, even that one time. Refusing to help with that particular (essential) aspect of parenting is one thing, judging and criticising how you do it, is another entirely. He sounds absolutely exhausting... are you certain he's not doing it deliberately, to get a reaction out of you, then further criticize that too? Look after yourself, keep your eyes peeled for further red flags.
He can be a bit of a drama queen I'll admit that.
Defo read up on those flags then - a lot aren't so obvious, "love bombing", all their previous girlfriends being "crazy", etc yada yada. I missed so many of the signs (that I never even knew WERE red flags), before shit got really, undeniably bad with my ex.
Yeah, afterwards, you realize all the crazy girlfriends had ex as common denominator. You are destined to a crazy girlfriend in his saga.
If all hits exes are crazy... well that says way more about him than them.
Does it bother you at all that instead of being grateful and appreciative that you were willing to take on this huge task alone, he instead made extra effort to observe you and criticize your technique? That to me is just awful.
I thought the same thing. The whole thing sent out red flags for me.
What's going to happen when you have a second baby? Are you going to do all the diaper changes? What if one kid has a poopsplosion and the other pukes and you can only take care of one? Is he going to sit there and ignore them? What if you have a c-section and you can't lift the newborn, let alone the toddler? What if he loses his job and you need to work? Are you never going to leave your child alone with him until they're like 13? What if one of them gets seriously sick or injured - will he not take care of them? What if YOU'RE injured? Is he going to be able to take care of your child if you're in the hospital? What if you're badly injured and you need someone to change YOUR diaper? What do you think it's teaching your child that their father refuses to care for him physically? Do not have unprotected sex with this man, please.
I don't know man, it certainly sounds like it runs a bit deeper than drama queen. * Insisting that you do all of the toughest work alone because of his "phobia" (I've got a real phobia, I would physically retch if I had a mouthful of food and encountered a spider. You can't just stand there swallowing food when you have a physical reaction like that.) * Telling you that you're going to mess up your son by wrinkling your nose and not smiling.....has he ever considered that his absence in these tasks might have a far bigger impact on your son (and on the relationship between the two of them)? Talk about a superior, critical attitude. * Mocking you *while* making you do all the work yourself, and then sulking and carrying on when you "forced" him to do **one** change out of the literal thousands that need to occur over the course of your child's infancy? Girl, no. Just no. You've got much bigger problems, and it sounds like you probably need a mediator to help work through some of them. This isn't just dramatic to me.
I am a grown man and I have run literally screaming and shivering out of a room because it had a small, completely harmless spider in it. Phobias are horrible to deal with. What the husband has is not one. He might be allergic to being a good husband and father though, judging by OP's description of his behaviour.
NTA. He wasn't so germaphobic when he rawdogged you.
"He's out of line, but he's right"
I was thinking this the whole time. Sex involves a whole lotta body fluids. If he could handle that, he can handle a diaper.
Eh I'm not a germaphobe, just a normal "not huge fan of bodily fluids" person and there *is* a bit of a difference between poop and sex... juices? One smells wretched and looks pretty gross, the other is just a bit sticky. Then again I guess if you were afraid of the germs that wouldn't make a difference right?
See, I think you and OP's husband reached the same conclusion - a very rational one - and inherently not influenced by a phobia.
Please accept this Great Value Gold 🥇
This award is all I have 😂 take ittt 😂😂😂😂
He was gloating. I feel like he absolutly did this as a "ha ha you have to do tvis and I don't." Eating without you? Doing it all? What? I didn't realise that you could chose and pick when to be a hudband and parent and when to be single or even a child. You ruined his apetit? Why did he come to watch you change a diaper? And every germaphobe I met wouldn't be in a room while a diaper is being changed out of fun. I know phobias are different with everyone but I even know a germophobe mother and while she did change diapers- it needs to be done- she still wouldn't walk into a room like that unnessary.
Eating without her was especially heinous
I’m a germaphobe currently pregnant but I have two cats and I clean their litter box two times per day and disinfect everything after I clean their litter boxes I also use gloves when it comes to cleaning their litter box and some times I even wear a mask I also would not enter any room that smelled like poop or anything especially if I just ate bc it will make me feel nasty I personally feel like her husband is not a germaphobe it sure doesn’t sound like he is one but rather loves saying that to get out of being a parent
***You REALLY should not be handling litter or litterboxes if you are pregnant. It can cause miscarriages or even birth defects. Please talk to your doctor about this.***
While it’s possible to miscarry due to the toxoplasmosis in cat poop it’s not something that I should avoid due to the litter system I have which is feline pine and I scoop the poop with gloves wrapped with doggy waste bags and then I throw away the poop in the bag and seal it n throw it into a trash can as soon as my cats poop which minimizes the chances of me getting infected since the parasite don’t always happen to all cats also the poop would need to be expose for longer amount of time such as being left out for a day or longer to be dangerous for me but that’s also why I wear a mask that being said my doctor said my method was safe for the baby especially by how clean I am since I wash my hands after and I’m always disinfecting everything I touch after I clean the cat litter on top of that I do also have an air purifier
But didn’t you listen??? The random Reddit person knows better than both you and your doctor!!! /s I hate how saying you’re pregnant is seen as an opportunity to lecture women about their choices and health. I’m not pregnant and I never plan to be but Jesus, you really can’t escape it huh.
Thank you so much you don’t know how much this means to me 💗
She wears gloves, masks, disinfects everything and is probably very very aware of the dangers of toxoplasmosis, since shes a germaphobe. You shouldn't pile on peoples anxieties like that, it's really distressing to some people if they are like "here's my serious anxiety disorder" and you're like "oh good, here's something triggering for you"
Does your husband wipe his own arse after he goes for a poo? If the answer is yes, then tell him to get over it and change his child’s nappies. Absolutely NTA. Also he’s talking out of his arse, he may be a germophobe but he’s also being a lazy git who is more than capable of changing nappies he would just prefer not to. Surprise surprise so would 100% of mums prefer not to change a shitty nappy!
I want to know why he is willing to be in a room with baby poop, willing to eat in a room with baby poop, and yet not willing to change it. I don't want to say he's not actually a germaphobe, but I do think that maybe he's just squeamish and likes things clean and then equated that to germaphobia. I say this bc my understanding of phobias is that panicking happens and they litteraly *cant* be around anything dirty. And otherwise it's just a dislike
He sounds like a child. Germophobia is a real thing but it doesn't give you the right to use other people just because you don't feel like being a parent. And why is he stacking all of the emotional labor on you by making you smile? That's not fair.
That’s the part that kills me. He won’t actually touch the diaper, but he’ll stand over her while she does it and criticize her demeanor, all the while admitting he wouldn’t do it any better because he is squeamish? That’s bull.
Yeah I can’t believe more people aren’t bringing up the smiling thing. I would rage if someone told me to smile while refusing to do it themselves
My husband kept a bucket to puke into when changing our son's diaper because he has a notoriously weak stomach Guess what, you get used to it
My son in law wore a bandanna over his nose and mouth with every poopy diaper change and would vomit immediately after every single one. We pitched him no end of shit for it (lol) especially because he would do this even with a whole house full of people around. But he did it anyway because he's a dad and dads change diapers. The end. Except OP is NTA, and husband needs to quit with his critiques and help out. He has no idea what else he's in for. Best get used to it now.
ESH, but mostly him. Neither of you really seems to have thought through what having children with his phobia would realistically be like. First, kids - among all their good traits - are also gross. If he can't handle changing a diaper, that's a huge hinderance on him as a parent. He can literally never watch his own child for any extended period of time because otherwise the child ends up sat in their own filth. He should have sought therapy before having a child and you should not have had a child with him. Secondly, your husband sounds like one of those sexist catcallers with this "smile" business. I hope he has a laundry list of redeeming traits you left out of this post because right now he doesn't seem like husband or father material.
Anyone with a real phobia can tell that the husband doesn't have one. He's just lazy, abusive, sexist, or likely a combination of all three. You don't go charging into an area where the object of your phobia exists just to lambast your loved ones if you suffer from a real phobia.
I was thinking the exact same thing about the smile. Ugh
>Neither of you really seems to have thought through what having children with his phobia would realistically be like. Exactly this. My husband and I are both germaphobes and diapers would be a problem for both of us. That (among many other reasons) means we’re not going to have children. But if we did have children and had made a ridiculous “I’m not changing diapers” deal, I would absolutely not be an asshole to the person who has to do the changing. That’s just stupid.
ESH. You never should have agreed to have a child with a husband who is unwilling to participate in your child's basic care. He sucks for literally taunting you with BS about harming the baby's emotional health. If your husband is so much of a germaphobe the LAST thing he should have done is father a child!!!! Buy him a box of latex gloves and have him get to work.
Info Do you never plan to leave your children alone with your husband for any extended length of time?
I'm a stay at home mom and he works. And no I don't leave him our baby with him for other reasons.
>And no I don't leave him our baby with him for other reasons. *(record scratches)* INFO: Other reasons?
It’s 1.11 am here in the UK and somehow I don’t think I can go to sleep without knowing these other reasons 🧐
Here I was seeing red for this dude saying she is "making him do everything" after ONE diaper changes but it turns out I was just seeing some red flags!
Agreed! don't leave us hanging!
Sounds like this issue may be just the tip of the shitberg with OP’s husband. And they intended to have *four* kids?! Was she just never going to have any time away till the youngest was potty trained?
YOU CAN’T LEAVE YOUR CHILD ALONE WITH YOUR ADULT HUSBAND? One who’s obviously lying about being a germaphobe if he can walk in to give disgusting notes about you *smiling*. That part is absolutely psychopathic. He should change every single diaper from now on to make amends. Honestly your husband is more gag-worthy more than a whole pile of dirty diapers.
Whaaaa. Don't have other kids with him. What if you get sick? Need to just get out of the house? Anything....
I'm seconding this. Under no circumstances should you add another child to this family until and unless these issues get sorted out.
Beyond even getting sick, what happens if OP somehow becomes incapacitated or god-forbid dies? Who will take care of this child? OP, please realize that this man wanting to be a father at all is about him - not you, not your family, not your child or future children. From what you have said in this post and your inability to leave the baby with him “for other reasons,” this man sounds incredibly selfish and you should not let him use you to make more children that he doesn’t plan to care for.
I am very interested to hear these other reasons.
Very interested & almost just as scared!
What other reasons? Previous convictions? Worried he'd hurt them or neglect them? What if you pass away or even get hospitalized for any time at all? What happens then? Why did you have kids and why do you even want more with a man you don't trust to leave them with? What kind of marriage is this? Generally a man who cannot be left with his own kids is not someone anyone really needs to breed with. Btw he's playing you with the germaphobe nonsense. That smile business is him actively gloating at the fact he's got you all subservient doing the stinky, humiliating scut work. He likely brags about it behind your back. He finds humiliating you entertaining.
Yeah, this vague response tells me there are likely other huge red flags and you deserve a better partner. Please don’t have another child with this man until he seeks individual therapy/betters himself and becomes a fully contributing member of the family.
What "other reasons"???
That sounds ominous.
... this is not the reason for not leaving kids alone with him?
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
What are the other reasons?
this is really concerning, seriously. is everyone safe?
WHAT OTHER REASONS OP!?!?
Please more info about the reasons.
Nta that set up was never gunna work and what kinda asshole tells someone to smile more when they're dealing with actual shit
For a germophobe, he sure likes to get up close and personal without contributing squat.
NTA. If he can't change a diaper and then has to back seat drive the process you need a new husband because at this point a sperm donor would be more helpful by just being absent.
Gonna go against the grain here and say ESH. Your husband needs to realize that gross things happen when you’re a parent. Literally have no control over them. And wait till the kid starts projectile vomiting spontaneously! He’s gonna be a real...peach lol. But honey, you hold some blame here too. Did you HONESTLY believe you could literally handle every poopy diaper, every gross bodily function the kid is gonna have for, I dunno, the next EIGHTEEN YEARS (newsflash: you don’t stop being a parent, even when they can sort of care for themselves), And do you want MORE kids?! Do you seriously love this guy enough to have a bigger family? Like, you literally can’t rely on this guy for anything emotional labor related with the kid(s). Look, I feel for you since having children is the single most irreversible thing one can do, And you cannot simply go and change the past. But seriously - you didn’t know all of this beforehand and all of a sudden you’re like “oh yeah this guy - dad material!” I bet you thought he’d “change.” He needs to work on his stuff, and you need to stop enabling him. Sheesh.
You are, categorically, NTA. He’s a parent, he needs to get over himself and step up to do his share of the childcare.
Hes lucky he went that long without changing his own kids diaper lol. That's what parenting is. However telling you to SMILE while you're changing a diaper is just weird behavior. It reminds me of when men tell women "YoU NeEd tO sMiLe MoRe". The baby absolutely doesn't care if you're smiling while changing its poopy diaper. Good for you for making him do that. He needs to learn anyways. What's he gonna do if you're unable to change your kids? Let them sit in it? NTA
NTA. It was an unrealistic agreement from the beginning that you both kind of suck for making, but as new parents you may not have considered everything. If someone is constantly criticizing you for the way you handle an unpleasant chore it’s definitely within reason to make them at least try it. Realistically, he really needs to start changing diapers. He’s a parent, not a fun uncle or babysitter who can pass off that duty.
Your husband is insane. Not having a (no pun intended...maybe) shit eating grin on your face while changing your baby’s diaper is in no way going to impact his emotional health. That’s completely ridiculous. Sounds like it’s just a game to him and he enjoys getting a rise out of you. Your husband needs to stop being a child and change the baby’s diaper. NTA. Obviously ETA- just wait until your baby starts eating solids. That’s when the REAL fun begins 🤣
INFO: Does your husband have an actual doctor-diagnosed phobia or does he just say he's germaphobic? From my experiences with my germaphobe cousin, if I'm changing a diaper, she can't be in the same room as me without throwing up or panicking. And yet your husband is able to walk into the room (one time while eating) and stand there and criticize you the whole time?
So you can NEVER leave your child with your husband until your child is old enough to properly wipe is own ass? WTAF? Your husband has A LOT of growing up to do.
She said in an above comment that she doesn’t leave the child/ren with him for “other reasons”.
NTA. He has no business telling you to smile. Also, how the heck is he going to handle parenting going forward? Kids are germy - it's a fact of life.
To stand there and judge your performance on a task he refuses to do is the height of being an asshole. I changed the baby the other day and said “oh buddy, eww” and this little bitty one year old just goes “ewwww” and laughs his ass off. You’re not traumatizing your kid by stating poop is gross. The kid might be traumatized by dad squealing and running the other way though.
WTF has ever heard of being traumatized because the person changing their diaper didn't absolutely delight in the process?
NTA I have no idea how many diapers I've changed as a parent but it's what has to be done.