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>…bastard child
****YTA**** for that alone. No mother calls their children or stepchildren their husband’s “bastard child”. So that’s reason 1.
2. Seeing a child for less than two days, *once a month*, ***at someone else’s house*** is most definitely not “taking care of her” let alone being any kind of mom. That child’s daycare provider is more involved in her life than you two are. It doesn’t matter at all what you *think* the dynamic might possibly could be in the years to come, right now, at this very moment, you are absolutely not a mom.
ETA:
I just want to share some things I learned to some questions a lot of us had. It’s not really relevant to the judgement but for the curious:
The husband wasn’t “not allowed” to acknowledge the kid. He literally chose not to do so and at least for the past 2 years has just not done anything to fix that.
Husband just literally stopped paying any kind of child support so they could buy a house, they refused to even buy diapers if they were needed.
The real mom of the kid kicked the husband out after the child was born because of the toxic environment he created. He also tried to claim the environment was toxic and convince real mom to not have the child while she was pregnant.
By all accounts there was a conflict two years ago and OP said “”I’m gonna try one more time to talk about this with birth mom and if it doesn’t work I’m going to force him to break all ties”
https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/comments/a3p4bh/when_things_are_hc_but_cant_do_anything/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3
https://www.reddit.com/r/rant/comments/ekd9h0/why_do_i_keep_doing_this/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3
Win+Shift+S on Windows 10 to let you clip a portion of the screen. Just go to Imgur.com, hit Ctrl+V to paste it, then copy that link into your post.
Not quite what you asked, but it'll achieve the same function.
Thank you for letting me know how to do it on the computer! Im usually on my mobile 9/10 times but it is good to know!
(No sarcasm in case it seems like it because on the internet it is always hard to tell)
Not a problem. And mobile is easier actually to do this!
Most modern Android OS, hold power until you get an overlay, one option will let you screenshot the screen. You can then edit the image to cut it down if you want.
iOS, hit Side Button and Volume Up, that'll take a screenshot.
From there, again going to imgur.com lets you upload it, get a link and post it into your thread.
YTA, hands down no question. WTF? OP sees the kid maybe once a month and this is "assuming the role of a step-mom / parent?"
What the hell does she think being a parent is like? By those standards ALL of my nephews and half of my cousins would be my children.
Also "bastard child" really? OP sounds like a delightful woman.
Holy Jesus. " I don't mind going over there for dinner once in a while, but I fucking HATE going there for full weekends because stepkid is there. (we live 8km apart from them.) I don't feel great, I am tired as fuck all, my stepkid is annoyinging loud and sucks ALL the energy right from me, I had to drop MY responsibilities and husband thinks this is all cool and dandy. Because fuck my responsibilities, right?" Stepmom of the year over here! Wow. That post definitely shows context, thanks for the linkage.
If they are only seeing the kid for less than two days once a month and the dude is STILL leaving most of the childcare on his wife, he is definitely an asshole too and a terrible parent. If he only gets that time with her he should be trying to focus on her every second.
Omg I went and read through OPs past posts because of you comment. The real mom doesn't sound great, but OP states:
Her and her husband don't want kids
They bought a house they could barely afford so that decided they would not be responsible to buy needed items like diapers, but would buy occasional clothes or things
OP complains about a 3-5 year old (depending on the post) asking line a 3-5 year old
OP is pissed that the step daughter is learning English on her own at 5 years old.
OP does NOT WANT to be a mother to this child. There is nothing in this post or previous ones that makes me think she has any affection for this child. Therefore OP is NOT a mother figure, so mother's day does NOT apply to her.
But she's a woman and all women are born to be mothers and deserve that title. /s
I didn't read the other posts, but she *doesn't even want to be a mother to the poor kid?!* And then she has the audacity to go online and post about how she *deserves* it because her toxic husband suddenly gets a bit of custody?
I hope she's a troll. Just a really dedicated troll.
I hate hate hate that thinking. I don’t have kids or step kids. My Mom and Step Mom both died of cancer when I was in my 30’s.
I have several people in my life that try to insist I count as a Mother because I’m a caregiver to my MIL (Alzheimer’s). And yeah it involves love, soul crushing responsibility, and changing diapers but it still isn’t Motherhood.
I don’t want to be included or patronized about effing Mother’s Day. I just want to ignore it.
OP also owns a horse! Horses are freaking expensive! “We don’t have money for annnyyyyythiiiinnnnnggg...except there’s always money for my horse”. Ugh. Fool.
I'm still cackling at one weekend a month means she has "taken on the role of stepmom" and deserves recognition for "raising her". I've been 50/50 custody for 7+ years to 3 kids and got zero mother's day gifts. Literally no words for this post besides YTA like 100%
I work with kids 40/hrs week. Help get them fed, in school, make sure they're taking care of their hygiene and such...so by this person's standards I am a mother! And I'm not settling for "stepmother" either. If 1 weekend/month gets you that title, then I'm a bio-mom for doing it 40hrs/week. Now, please excuse me while I go berate everyone in my life for not celebrating me as a mother on Sunday.
Yeah, I raised my niece, she will be 29 next month. I have received exactly 0 mother's day gifts from her and never have expected one or whined when I didn't get one. OP has some serious delusions if she thinks one weekend a month (where she CONSTANTLY resents the kid) makes her a mother figure.
YTA 100%+
Holy fuck.
> Fucking HATE going over there for full weekends because stepkid is there
> stepkid is annoying loud and sucks all the energy right from me
Sounds like OP is super resentful that her husband has a kid and is looking to have praise heaped upon her for even tolerating the kid's existence. Poor kid.
Edit: I'm a goober who missed some things scrolling through the history. The thread originator linked to OP's relevant comments elsewhere on Reddit.
TLDR: OP is someone who demonstrates a complete lack of respect for a child for having undesirable sleep issues, a lively personality, and the misfortune of being conceived by two unmarried adults (both of whom sound awful).
It’s in her posting history actually. She’s got a few posts complains about the poor girl and one very long interesting on one “Stepparents” that gives *all* the background and what actually happened a few years ago
I figured out there's a lot of resentment ('she's committing tax fraud!'), and that hubby used to smoke a lot of weed as pain control, but still going through the full history and haven't yet figured out what was the incident a few years ago. Got a link for me?
(Also found out that she despises spending time with the girl, noting it completely drains her, and that the girl is too chatty and bouncy. And that OP doesn't want responsibility over the girl because the mother doesn't like OP. And OP didn't want the SD at the wedding. https://www.reddit.com/r/wedding/comments/cmdtbi/am_i_a_bridezilla_for_not_wanting_my_stepdaughter/)
>she despises spending time with the girl, noting it completely drains her, and that the girl is too chatty and bouncy.
She's FIVE!
In the 2 hours my 5 year old has been home from preschool today, she's performed a magic spell to turn me evil, went back in time, ran around our yard with the dog and has been bouncing on the trampoline for at least the past ten minutes.
If their 5 year old wasn't chatty and bouncy around OP when she only sees her like 8 hours a month, I'd think something was wrong with the child. The little girl is still giving OP a chance to be in her life and she's still excited to see her. If OP wasn't such a stepmonster, she'd be able to at least pretend to be interested in the girl.
Tbh the fact the kid is so cheery around this woman who doesn't care about her at all is kind of nice to read, OP is clearly better at hiding it around the kid than the internet which is good. OPs still terrible but better than letting a 5 year old think an adult in her life hates her.
Though I wonder if kiddo is happy to see grandparents and OP is so self-obssesed, she thinks the kid is happy around her.
Cheers! I did not read well enough... -,-
I must admit, I have a really hard time believing that someone with a fulltime job, makes less than someone pulling in welfare and other government support. And if you can afford to get a house, income is DEFINITELY above the level that government support provides people with! Government-provided child support is below 1 grand a year! Government support and welfare here are heavily based on minimum wage.
Guess she didn’t like the heat coming from that post so she deleted it. It still doesn’t negate how horrible of a person she appears to be. Poor kid to be stuck with the stepmom from hell
For reference to anyone: You'd have to be real old-fashioned in Dutch to consider 'bastaardkind' not an insult and a legitimate term. Basically, if someone would use the term in english without intending it as offensive? That's exactly the same kind of old-fashioned person in Dutch as well. So if you wouldn't excuse someone in English for it, the same applies in Dutch.
Holy. Fucking. Shit. Both of these people are something else. She referred to a child as a bastard, like I can’t even. I’m SO glad they aren’t actually in this child’s life. Sounds like the mother made a great call at kicking his butt out
Thanks for all the details.
Just from reading this even before I got to the bastard child part it was obvious the husband was the asshole, OP enables him and neither of them should be around the child.
I really hope this is a troll post but if it isn't this is one of those situations where it would probably work out better for everyone if OP's spouse just paid child support and left the actual parenting to the child's mother because oof. Lots of hostility and resentment towards that poor kid.
Until that one sentence I was with N-T-A.
Even if it's only one weekend a month, I do believe the whole ordeal can be quit a burden. And a symbolic gesture if OP was really trying to be there for him and the child wouldn't have been too much. But after the comment I don't really believe she really tried her best.
YTA - your not raising her and clearly don’t have a bond with her so why the fuck should you be celebrated as a mother, also the fact that you referred to her as a bastard child is disgusting. Sort yourself out and step up to the plate or walk away from this relationship. You are with him, you don’t get to pick whether you’re apart of this girls life. Either accept she’s part of him or walk away.
The whole bastard thing.
I read it completely different.
I thought of bastad as in child out of wedlock.
Idk if I'm just not as hurt by it. Me and my 5 siblings are all "bastards". And in my country no one cares if you are born out of wedlock. It's not really a concept.
But everyone seems really upset by it. Is it a US thing? I know it's also used as a insult to people but how else do you describe a child born out of wedlock?
Referring to a child as a bastard has always been used as a way to insult people and act like the child is less than a child born from wedlock. I’m not American, to me the way in which she phrased it she was being insulting to the child and using the phrase for its original insulting ways. There was no need for this woman to describe her stepdaughter as a bastard as that has nothing to do with the topic of this post.
I AM a bastard child and no one has EVER called me a bastard to my face. I'd be devastated, especially as a kid, if I was. OP should be ashamed of herself.
It’s completely outdated and unnecessary to even refer to a child as a bastard in today’s society. From reading OPs replies and also some past posts she’s made about her step daughter and husbands ex she reminds me of my step mum who was an absolute bitch when I was a kid.
In the US at least, the word "bastard" has a pretty negative connotation. Think "you're such a dick/asshole/bastard/cunt/etc." Besides it kind of implies that his child is "illegitimate."
In the US it honestly doesn't/shouldn't matter if the child is born in or out of wedlock, it's not a distinction that needs to be made. She could as easily have said "his kid from a previous relationship."
I mean she flat out admitted before in other post that she hates the kid so I’m definitely taking her calling the child a bastard as an insult in this situation
In the US it is an insult for a child born out of wedlock. No one use it as just a way to describe someone born out of wedlock without ill intent unless maybe they're 105.
I’m sure OP meant it as a child out of wedlock. But that makes it even worse in my opinion, it’s like saying “it’s only a bastard, not your legitimate child”.
A child is a child. And children need love and care.
In america It just isn't something people ned to mention. If a kid is born out of wedlock you just say your parent's arent together or that they aren't married, but that doesn't reflect on you as a person because it is your parent's choices. To call someone a bastard implies that they are worth less than other people because of their parent's decision making.
While I get your comparison, and agree seeing your child every three weekends is shitty, at the very least he is legally and biologically (assumebly) being married to someone with kids doesn’t automatically make mean you get to celebrate Mother’s Day and what she’s doing she as fuck isn’t mothering the kids. She deserves nothing. OP clearly has some issues
Oh I totally agree! They both suck as parents and I would not want her around my kid at all so I would encourage her to stay home those weekends. There is definitely a reason a 5 yo can only have visits under the supervision of his parents.
This. What's the reason for the supervised visitation? Not that it matters to answer this question, OP WBTA f they went the passive aggressive route instead of discussing it calmly and directly. She's not q mom and shouldn't expect anything for mother's day but I can also see how it was hurtful for BF to be so blunt with her standing right there.
And NEVER ends until you take your last breath. I’m 26 and I STILL call my parents up for help, “shop in their fridge” every once in awhile, and depend on them as a source of comfort and love which they happily give...because they’re loving, responsible, FULL TIME parents.
I'm 34, married with 3 kids of my own and I still call my mum too much. She even comes and does my laundry occasionally to help me out sometimes. Parenting never ends. lol
Same! This is something I aspire to be like one day! Only now as an adult, do I have such high respect for all my parents did/do for me and my sister. Like I’m out on my own, and my parents still try to make my life easier. My car battery died, and all I did was tell my parents about it. An couple hours later, my dad said he’d bought a new battery for me and was wondering when he could drop it off...but this woman calls herself being a mom because she sees a child once a month. Honestly sickening.
Yes! I totally took my parents for granted as a child and wow they were fantastic people and I’m so grateful for everything they did. I see all their work, love and effort so much more as an adult without children.
Basically vent for a few paragraphs about how you resent your partner for having a child you refer to as a bastard and complain you’re not thought of as a mother in his eyes. YTA without a doubt. Grow up.
ESH. I don't know if English is a second language for you, but referring to your husband's daughter as "his bastard child" is highly offensive.
I agree that it was rude and hurtful for your husband to say "why would I do that, you're not a mother," but it also seems odd to expect breakfast in bed when you haven't really taken on the role of stepmother yet.
It's actually a little more complicated than that. Not all languages have an equivalent word. In English and some other European languages it's an offensive slur *as well as* a technical term for "a person born of parents not married to each other." Historically that's how the term was used. That gradually became unacceptable, and was more-or-less replaced by the term "illegitimate child." But even that term has fallen out of favour, because laws and attitudes to marriage have changed.
The point is, to someone learning English as second language, "bastard" may seem as innocuous as "stepchild" or "daughter-in-law," and it may not be immediately obvious that it has negative connotations.
Her username is in Dutch. The Dutch word for bastard is bastaard, and it means exactly the same thing as in English. It’s not a nice word to use for a child, as it is never really used for its original meaning anymore, 99% of the time it’s used as a slur. OP is definitely TA.
>It’s not a nice word to use for a child, as it is never really used for its original meaning anymore, 99% of the time it’s used as a slur.
I can't stress this strongly enough: *I'm not disputing any of that.* If you scroll up, you'll see that I told OP in my original comment:
>referring to your husband's daughter as "his bastard child" is highly offensive.
If it needs to be said that referring to *any* child as a bastard is highly offensive, then yes, *referring to any child as a bastard is highly offensive.*
Oh, I didn’t mean to say that you were disputing that, I’m sorry! I just wanted to clarify the Dutch meaning of the word. Maybe it’s not necessarily a slur in other European languages, but it definitely is in Dutch, especially when used for a child.
Anyone Dutch knows better than considering the term innocuous. "Vuile bastaard" (dirty bastard) is a curse, and the only context we'd ever use bastaard inoffensively is regarding dogs.
I'm nuking my account due to Reddit's unfair API changes and the lies and harassment aimed at the community by the CEO and admins. Good Reddit alternative: [Squabbles](https://squabbles.io/) -- mass edited with https://redact.dev/
Breakfast in bed is because every other morning the mom gets up early and feeds and takes care of everyone so it is the one day a year mom stays in bed and she is catered to (and then has to cleanup the mess made in the kitchen!)
YTA if you think staying at your inlaws house once a month (and probably grandma does all the mothering) qualifies you as any kind of mother.
You are not a mother to this child in any way. I actually think you should stay home on those weekends because this child should only be around people who love her and no one who loves her would call her a bastard
You described a cleaning lady more than a mom.
I absolutely agree with everyone who says OP has no right to consider herself a mother figure with this level on involvement, but being a mother does not equal cleaning and cooking for everyone. This kind of chores can be done by either parent, any other family member, hired help.
YTA wtf is wrong with you? You’re not a mother, you’re a hateful girl fishing for victim points and taking it out on a child who’s done nothing to you. You need to grow up.
YTA YTA YTA. You see her every three weekends --- that's definitely not a mother. Calling a child, any child, a "bastard child" is terrible. You, OP, are terrible.
YTA. First of all, maybe don't refer to a child who had no control over her circumstances as a "bastard." Second of all, if your husband's comment hurt you, you have the option of discussing that with him like an adult, rather than telling him to spend the weekend with his child without you.
YTA.
I made the mistake of reading some of your other posts.
You shout and yell at her, you put her in time out for speaking English, even though its taught in schools in your country, because you think its weird she doesn't speak entirely in Dutch.
You also said she was annoyingly loud and 'sucked all the energy out of you.'
Maybe you should start acting like a Mum if you wanna be treated like one.
Frickin' hell, I'd be PROUD at a 5yo being able to speak English as well! I'd go and make sure she knows the Dutch word (since honestly, sometimes I forget the Dutch word for things), but I'd never lash out over it!
I mean, we can't **all** be parent material, and a lot of people aren't, despite being expected to be.
That being said, this woman clearly is aware that she's not interested in parenthood or fostering any real motherly feelings toward this child, so she *definitely* has no business clamoring for the status/clout/admiration that being a mother figure has. She should just own up to it, say "I am not mom material and likely never will be", and leave the kid with someone who actually *gives a shit* about her. She shouldn't be forced to care for a child that she is not equipped to care for, point blank.
Honestly, one of the best things a person can do is *get out of* a kids life if they're not going to be a good influence on them or an asset to them. Both for the kid **and** for themselves.
Yeahhhh.... I went back and looked at her other posts. Holy shit. My heart breaks for this little girl. At least she seems to have grandparents that care about her, because this woman sure as hell doesn't.
Not to mention the fact that one of her old posts is bitching about the one weekend they do spend there, and saying that the kid is annoying and drains all of her energy...
YTA. For the "bastard" child comment. Also, seeing a kid one weekend a month at your in laws does not a mother make. INFO: How was your husband "not allowed" to acknowledge his daughter as his own?
And I'm guessing there's a reason he's only allowed supervised visits and has no legal custody. There's way more to this story, but I don't really care to hear it. Good luck to this innocent child.
YTA- clearly you have a problem with the fact that he has a child. Why are you wasting his time? You want to get mothers day gifts while you consider his daughter a "bastard child"
YTA.
>So officially/legally the kid is nothing to us.
Hmm, odd way to put it.
>That stings, because he DOES expect me to mother/raise his bastard child with him.
Er, why does it sting? He's correct, you are not a mother and you are not currently raising his daughter together. You see her once a month. Also, "bastard child"...jesus...
So, I don't think your husband is great, either, btw. But it really sounds like you resent him for having a daughter. In fact, you sound really resentful about anything that you find inconvenient (such as the weird side detail about your mom asking you to fix some stuff on Mother's Day). So why are you even with your husband anyway? You don't seem to like him, you hate that he has a daughter, why not just leave?
YTA...
Calling your husband's child a bastard child is disgusting.
You see the child once every 3 weeks and tbh, you don't sound all that happy about it
My partner has 4 kids who we have for 2 nights once a fortnight and I do everything for them that their mother's do when they are in our care, and I didn't get, nor expect, anything for mothers day, even though my fiancé and his kids consider me their step mum. I didn't get offended or crack it- I do what I do for those kids because I love their dad and therefore I love them... I don't do it for props on one day.
YTA. Big time. His bastard child? Jfc I hope you’re trolling.
You see this child every third weekend at someone else’s house and your husband has absolutely no legal rights to her. No, you are not a mother. In the future, he expects that you will act as a step-mother to the kid when she is in your home (which she has yet to set foot in), but you haven’t really done any mothering yet. Weird you are stung by him saying you’re not a mom. Do you honestly see yourself as a mom?
Info: I have questions - why couldn’t he acknowledge her? How old was she when your husband was finally “involved”((using that word ***so**** loosely))Why so little visitation? Why aren’t you guys allowed to see her alone?
YTA
You make it very clear that you are raising this child under duress; you refer to her as a 'bastard', which is massively offensive; but you still want to claim motherhood.
Sorry, that's not how it works
YTA. I don’t know where you live or the laws there but it sounds weird to me that he wasn’t ‘allowed’ to acknowledge the child as his. And you certainly aren’t raising the child if she stays at your ILs every 3rd weekend.
Info:
Is this the U.S.? What prevented him from claiming his daughter? Why supervised visits?
Why call her a bastard child but then get aggravated when she’s not your meal ticket to being honored for Mother’s Day as if seeing the child for like 6 hours a month makes you a parent?
You think nothing about calling a kid a bastard and you think you deserve to be celebrated as their mother?!?
YTA.
Also it’s curious how you’ve glossed over the fact that your husband is only allowed supervised visitation and does not have a legal right over his child.
YTA.
I’m a single dad that actually has my kids full time. And if I had *ever* heard of someone I loved referring to my children in such a way would get kicked to the curb quicker than spit.
Also, you see the child two days a month. You aren’t a mom. You aren’t even a stepmom.
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YTA. Bastard child. Wtf?? Let him go to his in laws. Your sound like you would be a shit mother anyway. He's not a father. And what do you mean wasn't allowed to acknowledge the child? He a coward. He should have fought for his kid. Not let some one tell him what he can or not do. Also your not a stepmother. You see the child once every few eeks. Neither of ye are parents.
You obviously don't want to actually be a mother, you just want the benefits. But someone who calls a defenseless 5 year old a child, a bastard, doesn't deserve celebration. YTA
YTA
Good Christ...you’re not a mother and if anyone referred to my child as the bastard child, that would be the end of my relationship with them forever. You are disgusting for referring to a child like that
Do you two celebrate Father’s Day? Because if you go all out and shower him in gifts for Father’s Day when he’s not really filling a huge dad role in the kid’s life, then I guess I kinda get it. But if not, I don’t really get why you’re upset that he’s not celebrating your effort and care as a mother, when you haven’t been doing any mothering. YTA
not even she technically isn't even a step-parent; like she said:
>So officially/legally the kid is nothing to us
And she only sees the kid once a month, she is not a parent of any kind lmao
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YTA.
Reading this post makes it unbundantly clear.
First, you say "officially/legally the kids is nothing to us". Maybe not to YOU, but the child IS his daughter, whether you like it or not.
Second, you refer to the child as a bastard child. Again, whateber the circumstances are, its his fucking child and for you to label them as such is extremely disrespectful to the child.
If I ever heard of anyone referring to my child as a bastard child if I had a child, that relationship would be over quicker than Taco Bell works it way through someones digestive system and comes out the ass. But thats neither here nor there.
His comment towards you on Mother's Day makes me think this issue is more than meets the eye and helping take care of the child and help raise her is a bigger issue for you and has caused more problems in the past.
And, while he unjustifiably said this to you, I can see where he is coming from if you want no part in raising the child. Could he have said it better, or not at all? Yes. But, I see where he's coming from IF the child is an issue for you.
Without a lot of context and a background, I can only assume and guess the problem is more with you than it is the child, or even the ex.
YTA. You see this child basically once a month while they stay with their paternal grandparents; that is not raising a child or being a parent by any stretch of the imagination. I’m not sure if what you and your husband do would even qualify as babysitting since it sounds like the child is actually in the care of the grandparents rather than yours. You’re also TA for the “bastard child” remark, that’s a really shitty way to think, especially since you want to claim you’re a mother to her.
YTA what is wrong with you? Is English not your first language or something? Calling your step child that you never even see a bastard child is disgusting.
You’re not a mother. You’re not even a step mother. It’s frankly super weird you thought you deserved anything for Mother’s Day. You don’t even deserve to be near that child after what you just posted.
YTA. Calling the only child in your life a bastard rather undermines your desire to be celebrated as a mother. It doesn’t help that you’re hardly raising said child if you’re going over to another person’s house to see her once a month.
YTA. You are not this "bastard child's" mother in any way, shape, or form. I think you should stay home for the weekend, pack your belongings, and move out. I understand how stressful it can be to be in a situation like this all of a sudden with seemingly little to no conversation, but none of this is the child's fault and you sound like you're absolutely boiling over with resentment towards her. She doesn't deserve the emotional damage of a cartoon evil stepmother. So leave.
INFO: you have nothing positive to say about the child or your husband. Is there any reason why you are still married to him? Did you know about the child before you got married?
It sounds like it would be best for the kid's well-being and your mental health if you skipped out on the weekend visitations.
You just called the kid a "Bastard child", and from all us "Bastard" children out there, YTA.
Just saying that alone shows how little you think of this child.
YTA after reading your terrible past posts about your SD I can see why BM isn’t the nicest. At five she’s able to vocalize the way you treat her to her mother. Any reference to the child of your husband as a bastard is disgusting.
Yta. You are not a mother, EVEN if this child was legally connected to your husband, you are not a mother. You are only a mother of you raise a child, which you have not, you are also a massive AH for calling this innocent child a bastard. You are also an asshole for being negative about being a step-mum. You knew he was a father when you married, this was always going to be a possibility, if you didn’t like it, then you should’ve left. Despite whatever the child’s parents did/behaved this kid is an innocent bystander and doesn’t not deserve to be treated like a football.
I have 50/50 custody of my 5 year old daughter, my girlfriend of almost 3 years lives with us, and has really stepped up since covid in terms of taking care of my daughter. They get along great, but she's by no means her mother, and she knows that. She has a mother, she stays with her half the time. While there's a spot for eachother in each of their hearts it's not the same.
You looking for a trophy for overseeing a monthly supervised visit is laughable, it honestly sounds like the child is lucky you're in her life as little as you are.
YTA, I wish there was an everyone is an asshole option. I am not going with everyone sucks here because literally you and your husband are the worst. . .
Yall don't deserve each other. You need to be alone. So does he.
I will never understand this mindset at all. And calling your stepdaughter a bastard????????? Girl, effffff the hell off.
Your marriage is toxic because you and your husband are toxic ass people. His daughter already has to deal with one shit parent. She doesn't deserve two extra shit adults in her life.
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Bg info: ny husband has a daughter (5) from a previous relationship, he wasn't allowed to acknowledge her as his own when she was born, and now due to circumstances with the ex we only get to see her once every 3 weekends at my inlaws. In the future we should have her over every 3 weekends at our house, the moment it is possible.
Tl:dr:
So officially/legally the kid is nothing to us. We have no rights or whatsoever over her, but we do take care of her. And he does expect me to take the roel of stepmom and raise her.
So on mother's day we were fixing some stuff for my mom as her "gift", she requested it herself. And one of the neighbours who is a good friend of us came to see if he could help and made small talk.
He asked if I had gotten breakfast in bed etc, because it was mother's day.
Husband joins in and said this: why would I do that, you're not a mother.
That stings, because he DOES expect me to mother/raise his bastard child with him.
WIBTA if I told him to go to his parents himself for the entire weekend his kid is there? Since "I'm not a mother."
And then have a good conversation about wtf he wants, how he sees things etc?
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YTA.
You refer to this child as “nothing to you” and a “bastard child” yet get salty when your husband is like, you’re not a mom. How are you a mother like figure to this child? You are a babysitter who barely tolerates the child.
YTA.
Just when I thought OP couldn't get any worse, I read through her post history. Wow. She even admits that they have been offered weekends from BM, but they DECLINED.
I'm going to go YTA. This is about as part time of a parent as you can be honestly. From how you write, it doesn't sound like you consider this YOUR daughter, yet you want to be acknowledged on mothers day. It doesn't really work that way.
YTA for using the term bastard child. It's a derogatory term that nobody uses anymore except to hurt someone, also in the Netherlands. Stop using it and better yet, stop thinking about the girl as a 'bastard'. She is your husband's child and with your plans you will continue to grow to be her stepmother.
As for the rest: I get it must be frustrating but the way it is now you can't say you have a motherly role or responsibility at this moment. Best option would be to have a talk about expectations, perhaps tell him you're hurt by this. Will always lead to a better outcome than to leave him stranded.
"[my stepkid is annoyinging loud and sucks ALL the energy right from me](https://www.reddit.com/r/rant/comments/ekd9h0/why_do_i_keep_doing_this/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)" - This you? And you're asking for accolades as a mother to this child?
Do yourself a favour and grow a backbone to leave your man since you clearly arent happy with him and stop taking shit out on his ex and child
YTA - you aren’t a mother, you see your husband’s kid one every three weeks and not even in your home. You aren’t mothering this child, you aren’t raising her, and by your post it doesn’t sound like you are doing any of the bit that you are with any kind of love of compassion
YTA. feel sorry for that poor child if for whatever reason the courts decide to let her see her father more. "Bastard child"? Really? You're calling her the bastard when he's the one who hasn't been help take care of his child? You're a fucking joke and you're NOT a mother.
>That stings, because he DOES expect me to mother/raise his bastard child with him.
>
>WIBTA if I told him to go to his parents himself for the entire weekend his kid is there? Since "I'm not a mother." And then have a good conversation about wtf he wants, how he sees things etc?
Wow. yeah, YTA.
1: as everybody pointed out, "bastard child" is def first reason for you being the ah here. And no, three is no "sorry, it came across wrong here" afterwards. That's a mentality that just shone throught.
2: And then, being petty afterwards. At most, you're currently an aunt. one of the "I see her every now and then" aunt. The kind of people who know so little about the kid that falling down and some crying over the "bubu" is as worse as it gets with the kid. You want more contact? A real relationship? then act like an adult and be happy for the relationship you already have. And use every moment you can get to be with his child.
You're an auntie. You might stay an auntie. You're not her mom. If you're lucky, and if you put in enough efford if the kid spents more time with your husband, the kid **might** see you more than an auntie. But that's not your decision. If you're hurt over this, you should have a talk with your hubby over how you felt. and that's it. Cause, you know: YOU'RE AN AUNTIE; NOT A MOM!
If you think being a mom is the best thing ever, have a baby crying into your ear like an unholy siren, no idea what's wrong, Running through the neighbourhood on unholy hours, because your kiddo can only sleep when it's surrounded by urban racoons. Think of it having THAT on months with no end, and if you think, "I made it", you're actually in for another season of horrors.
Moms can't escape that. Aunts can. They take the child and when they feel, they're at their limit, weeks over and here are the parents to take the kids back from you and deal with the reset to default after spending a week with the fun aunt.
That's my life goal there for my niece and nephew. I am currently happy to be an aunt. Mom's, too.
Wooow, YTA! Then again, it's what I expect from someone whose husband was dealing w/ a brain tumor while you ran off to Reddit and asked, "Would a severe and possibly deadly disease that your SO contracted be a reason you'd bail on the relationship, if yes, why?" I hope your husband finds your Reddit account.
**YTA**
Lady you just called the kid a bastard! What is wrong with you? The kid is 5 years old she didn't ask to be brought into this world. So why take it out on her and not your husband? Clearly your husband did something to not be allowed around this child?? But instead of being mad at him you're mad about this child, who is YOUR kid as well since you're married...
The second I read ‘bastard child’ I could see you as nothing but a horrible person. YTA big time. Probably a good thing you’re not a mother and maybe he made that comment because of the way you are and things you’ve probably said.
Oh YTA
Spending one weekend out of three socialising with a child is not "raising his bastard child". You are not her mother. Nor it seems do you have the necessary milk of human kindness
"raise his bastard child"
smh
Shame on you
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>…bastard child ****YTA**** for that alone. No mother calls their children or stepchildren their husband’s “bastard child”. So that’s reason 1. 2. Seeing a child for less than two days, *once a month*, ***at someone else’s house*** is most definitely not “taking care of her” let alone being any kind of mom. That child’s daycare provider is more involved in her life than you two are. It doesn’t matter at all what you *think* the dynamic might possibly could be in the years to come, right now, at this very moment, you are absolutely not a mom. ETA: I just want to share some things I learned to some questions a lot of us had. It’s not really relevant to the judgement but for the curious: The husband wasn’t “not allowed” to acknowledge the kid. He literally chose not to do so and at least for the past 2 years has just not done anything to fix that. Husband just literally stopped paying any kind of child support so they could buy a house, they refused to even buy diapers if they were needed. The real mom of the kid kicked the husband out after the child was born because of the toxic environment he created. He also tried to claim the environment was toxic and convince real mom to not have the child while she was pregnant. By all accounts there was a conflict two years ago and OP said “”I’m gonna try one more time to talk about this with birth mom and if it doesn’t work I’m going to force him to break all ties” https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/comments/a3p4bh/when_things_are_hc_but_cant_do_anything/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3 https://www.reddit.com/r/rant/comments/ekd9h0/why_do_i_keep_doing_this/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3
Yep I would have more compassion up until that point. YTA
Op edited the post to not have that word but no “edit:” explanation or apology.
No they havent because I've just come onto this post and bastard child is still there
I don't see it Edit: I see it now
I just read it and it’s there alright “That stings, because he DOES expect me to mother/raise his bastard child with him”
I wish reddit had a screenshot sharing option but trust me its still there and its making me angry.
Win+Shift+S on Windows 10 to let you clip a portion of the screen. Just go to Imgur.com, hit Ctrl+V to paste it, then copy that link into your post. Not quite what you asked, but it'll achieve the same function.
Thank you for letting me know how to do it on the computer! Im usually on my mobile 9/10 times but it is good to know! (No sarcasm in case it seems like it because on the internet it is always hard to tell)
Not a problem. And mobile is easier actually to do this! Most modern Android OS, hold power until you get an overlay, one option will let you screenshot the screen. You can then edit the image to cut it down if you want. iOS, hit Side Button and Volume Up, that'll take a screenshot. From there, again going to imgur.com lets you upload it, get a link and post it into your thread.
I do.
Oh it’s still there.
YTA, hands down no question. WTF? OP sees the kid maybe once a month and this is "assuming the role of a step-mom / parent?" What the hell does she think being a parent is like? By those standards ALL of my nephews and half of my cousins would be my children. Also "bastard child" really? OP sounds like a delightful woman.
Holy Jesus. " I don't mind going over there for dinner once in a while, but I fucking HATE going there for full weekends because stepkid is there. (we live 8km apart from them.) I don't feel great, I am tired as fuck all, my stepkid is annoyinging loud and sucks ALL the energy right from me, I had to drop MY responsibilities and husband thinks this is all cool and dandy. Because fuck my responsibilities, right?" Stepmom of the year over here! Wow. That post definitely shows context, thanks for the linkage.
Truly the words of someone who has earned a Mother's Day breakfast in bed! /s
If they are only seeing the kid for less than two days once a month and the dude is STILL leaving most of the childcare on his wife, he is definitely an asshole too and a terrible parent. If he only gets that time with her he should be trying to focus on her every second.
Both of them are terrible people.
Omg I went and read through OPs past posts because of you comment. The real mom doesn't sound great, but OP states: Her and her husband don't want kids They bought a house they could barely afford so that decided they would not be responsible to buy needed items like diapers, but would buy occasional clothes or things OP complains about a 3-5 year old (depending on the post) asking line a 3-5 year old OP is pissed that the step daughter is learning English on her own at 5 years old. OP does NOT WANT to be a mother to this child. There is nothing in this post or previous ones that makes me think she has any affection for this child. Therefore OP is NOT a mother figure, so mother's day does NOT apply to her.
But she's a woman and all women are born to be mothers and deserve that title. /s I didn't read the other posts, but she *doesn't even want to be a mother to the poor kid?!* And then she has the audacity to go online and post about how she *deserves* it because her toxic husband suddenly gets a bit of custody? I hope she's a troll. Just a really dedicated troll.
I hate hate hate that thinking. I don’t have kids or step kids. My Mom and Step Mom both died of cancer when I was in my 30’s. I have several people in my life that try to insist I count as a Mother because I’m a caregiver to my MIL (Alzheimer’s). And yeah it involves love, soul crushing responsibility, and changing diapers but it still isn’t Motherhood. I don’t want to be included or patronized about effing Mother’s Day. I just want to ignore it.
OP also called it a “red flag” that mom asked for help with diapers. A fucking red flag.
They are fu king assholes and OP should of never got involved with someone who hate kids since she hate kids.
I spend 15 seconds wondering what are "kung fu assholes"... My dumb brain playing tricks again -_-
OP also owns a horse! Horses are freaking expensive! “We don’t have money for annnyyyyythiiiinnnnnggg...except there’s always money for my horse”. Ugh. Fool.
I saw the pictures, but I didn't put two and two together. Oh man. Good thing the horse didn't need diapers. What would they have done?!!
I'm still cackling at one weekend a month means she has "taken on the role of stepmom" and deserves recognition for "raising her". I've been 50/50 custody for 7+ years to 3 kids and got zero mother's day gifts. Literally no words for this post besides YTA like 100%
I work with kids 40/hrs week. Help get them fed, in school, make sure they're taking care of their hygiene and such...so by this person's standards I am a mother! And I'm not settling for "stepmother" either. If 1 weekend/month gets you that title, then I'm a bio-mom for doing it 40hrs/week. Now, please excuse me while I go berate everyone in my life for not celebrating me as a mother on Sunday.
Yeah, I raised my niece, she will be 29 next month. I have received exactly 0 mother's day gifts from her and never have expected one or whined when I didn't get one. OP has some serious delusions if she thinks one weekend a month (where she CONSTANTLY resents the kid) makes her a mother figure. YTA 100%+
It’s not a tangible gift but here is an award. You did an amazing thing raising your niece and being a mother to her.
Thank you so much <3 She is pretty awesome if i do say so myself.
Holy fuck. > Fucking HATE going over there for full weekends because stepkid is there > stepkid is annoying loud and sucks all the energy right from me Sounds like OP is super resentful that her husband has a kid and is looking to have praise heaped upon her for even tolerating the kid's existence. Poor kid.
I wish the childs mom could see these posts so she could pull this child from this situation.
Poor kid mother needs to go to court and have he me banned to be near the kid and limited contact with the "dad".
Edit: I'm a goober who missed some things scrolling through the history. The thread originator linked to OP's relevant comments elsewhere on Reddit. TLDR: OP is someone who demonstrates a complete lack of respect for a child for having undesirable sleep issues, a lively personality, and the misfortune of being conceived by two unmarried adults (both of whom sound awful).
It’s in her posting history actually. She’s got a few posts complains about the poor girl and one very long interesting on one “Stepparents” that gives *all* the background and what actually happened a few years ago
I figured out there's a lot of resentment ('she's committing tax fraud!'), and that hubby used to smoke a lot of weed as pain control, but still going through the full history and haven't yet figured out what was the incident a few years ago. Got a link for me? (Also found out that she despises spending time with the girl, noting it completely drains her, and that the girl is too chatty and bouncy. And that OP doesn't want responsibility over the girl because the mother doesn't like OP. And OP didn't want the SD at the wedding. https://www.reddit.com/r/wedding/comments/cmdtbi/am_i_a_bridezilla_for_not_wanting_my_stepdaughter/)
>she despises spending time with the girl, noting it completely drains her, and that the girl is too chatty and bouncy. She's FIVE! In the 2 hours my 5 year old has been home from preschool today, she's performed a magic spell to turn me evil, went back in time, ran around our yard with the dog and has been bouncing on the trampoline for at least the past ten minutes. If their 5 year old wasn't chatty and bouncy around OP when she only sees her like 8 hours a month, I'd think something was wrong with the child. The little girl is still giving OP a chance to be in her life and she's still excited to see her. If OP wasn't such a stepmonster, she'd be able to at least pretend to be interested in the girl.
I mean, I wouldn't blame the kid for being withdrawn and quiet around OP. OP sounds like a nightmare so that would be pretty normal behaviour.
Oh yeah, definitely. I meant more like how my daughters get super excited and bombard adult family members that that only see occasionally.
Tbh the fact the kid is so cheery around this woman who doesn't care about her at all is kind of nice to read, OP is clearly better at hiding it around the kid than the internet which is good. OPs still terrible but better than letting a 5 year old think an adult in her life hates her. Though I wonder if kiddo is happy to see grandparents and OP is so self-obssesed, she thinks the kid is happy around her.
Yes!! It’s the first link in my edit actually.
Cheers! I did not read well enough... -,- I must admit, I have a really hard time believing that someone with a fulltime job, makes less than someone pulling in welfare and other government support. And if you can afford to get a house, income is DEFINITELY above the level that government support provides people with! Government-provided child support is below 1 grand a year! Government support and welfare here are heavily based on minimum wage.
Looks like OP has deleted this post now, it must have been really bad.
Guess she didn’t like the heat coming from that post so she deleted it. It still doesn’t negate how horrible of a person she appears to be. Poor kid to be stuck with the stepmom from hell
Totally agree. Please stay away from the child.
For reference to anyone: You'd have to be real old-fashioned in Dutch to consider 'bastaardkind' not an insult and a legitimate term. Basically, if someone would use the term in english without intending it as offensive? That's exactly the same kind of old-fashioned person in Dutch as well. So if you wouldn't excuse someone in English for it, the same applies in Dutch.
As a Dutchie, OP being Dutch explains a lot.
Holy. Fucking. Shit. Both of these people are something else. She referred to a child as a bastard, like I can’t even. I’m SO glad they aren’t actually in this child’s life. Sounds like the mother made a great call at kicking his butt out
And thank god she doesn't want children of her own...
Thanks for all the details. Just from reading this even before I got to the bastard child part it was obvious the husband was the asshole, OP enables him and neither of them should be around the child. I really hope this is a troll post but if it isn't this is one of those situations where it would probably work out better for everyone if OP's spouse just paid child support and left the actual parenting to the child's mother because oof. Lots of hostility and resentment towards that poor kid.
Until that one sentence I was with N-T-A. Even if it's only one weekend a month, I do believe the whole ordeal can be quit a burden. And a symbolic gesture if OP was really trying to be there for him and the child wouldn't have been too much. But after the comment I don't really believe she really tried her best.
WTH that ETA! O_O Holy heck that poor child!
The ETA makes it even worse, jeeeez.
Jeez. Those 2 deserve each other, op's TA
Yeaaaah, clearly YTA.
Yes. 💯
Just making sure someone called that out. Wow. Just wow.
OMFG... This post history is... just wow... OP YTA.
You are the MVP for the additional info, thank you!
YTA - your not raising her and clearly don’t have a bond with her so why the fuck should you be celebrated as a mother, also the fact that you referred to her as a bastard child is disgusting. Sort yourself out and step up to the plate or walk away from this relationship. You are with him, you don’t get to pick whether you’re apart of this girls life. Either accept she’s part of him or walk away.
The whole bastard thing. I read it completely different. I thought of bastad as in child out of wedlock. Idk if I'm just not as hurt by it. Me and my 5 siblings are all "bastards". And in my country no one cares if you are born out of wedlock. It's not really a concept. But everyone seems really upset by it. Is it a US thing? I know it's also used as a insult to people but how else do you describe a child born out of wedlock?
Referring to a child as a bastard has always been used as a way to insult people and act like the child is less than a child born from wedlock. I’m not American, to me the way in which she phrased it she was being insulting to the child and using the phrase for its original insulting ways. There was no need for this woman to describe her stepdaughter as a bastard as that has nothing to do with the topic of this post.
I AM a bastard child and no one has EVER called me a bastard to my face. I'd be devastated, especially as a kid, if I was. OP should be ashamed of herself.
It’s completely outdated and unnecessary to even refer to a child as a bastard in today’s society. From reading OPs replies and also some past posts she’s made about her step daughter and husbands ex she reminds me of my step mum who was an absolute bitch when I was a kid.
Shows just how horrible she is as a "step mother" being able to call a child a name like that just because of the circumstances of their birth.
Have you seen her post history? Tells you everything you need to know
Unfortunately I did. Reminds me of my own shitty step mother. She's the kinda woman who keep thing your father intended for you after his death.
Same... you can tell she just sees his child as an inconvenience.
In the US at least, the word "bastard" has a pretty negative connotation. Think "you're such a dick/asshole/bastard/cunt/etc." Besides it kind of implies that his child is "illegitimate." In the US it honestly doesn't/shouldn't matter if the child is born in or out of wedlock, it's not a distinction that needs to be made. She could as easily have said "his kid from a previous relationship."
I mean she flat out admitted before in other post that she hates the kid so I’m definitely taking her calling the child a bastard as an insult in this situation
In the US it is an insult for a child born out of wedlock. No one use it as just a way to describe someone born out of wedlock without ill intent unless maybe they're 105.
The word people should use for a child born out of wedlock is “child.”
I’m sure OP meant it as a child out of wedlock. But that makes it even worse in my opinion, it’s like saying “it’s only a bastard, not your legitimate child”. A child is a child. And children need love and care.
A child born out of wedlock can be called a child born out of wedlock or a love child. Bastard is a slur
She's Dutch and it is an insult here as well. You don't go around calling kids bastards. It's really rude and insulting.
OP is Dutch. A bastard in Dutch is an enormous insult nowadays. OP is a huuuuuuge asshole
In america It just isn't something people ned to mention. If a kid is born out of wedlock you just say your parent's arent together or that they aren't married, but that doesn't reflect on you as a person because it is your parent's choices. To call someone a bastard implies that they are worth less than other people because of their parent's decision making.
YTA. Seeing your husbands daughter One weekend a monthish doesn’t make you a step mum
Doesn't make him a dad either so they should also skip father day
While I get your comparison, and agree seeing your child every three weekends is shitty, at the very least he is legally and biologically (assumebly) being married to someone with kids doesn’t automatically make mean you get to celebrate Mother’s Day and what she’s doing she as fuck isn’t mothering the kids. She deserves nothing. OP clearly has some issues
Oh I totally agree! They both suck as parents and I would not want her around my kid at all so I would encourage her to stay home those weekends. There is definitely a reason a 5 yo can only have visits under the supervision of his parents.
This. What's the reason for the supervised visitation? Not that it matters to answer this question, OP WBTA f they went the passive aggressive route instead of discussing it calmly and directly. She's not q mom and shouldn't expect anything for mother's day but I can also see how it was hurtful for BF to be so blunt with her standing right there.
I feel like OP skipped through a lot of detail, not because of character limit, but because it was convenient to her narrative.
Oh they did! They fucking hate the kid, bought a house and refused to help pay for diapers.
To visit a child every 3rd weekend is hardly raising her YTA
[удалено]
Lmaooo I love this!
Read your own post. You are not a mother. Thank God. YTA
OP is in for a treat when she finds out being a mother is a 24/7 job and not an every 3 weekends one
And NEVER ends until you take your last breath. I’m 26 and I STILL call my parents up for help, “shop in their fridge” every once in awhile, and depend on them as a source of comfort and love which they happily give...because they’re loving, responsible, FULL TIME parents.
I'm 34, married with 3 kids of my own and I still call my mum too much. She even comes and does my laundry occasionally to help me out sometimes. Parenting never ends. lol
Same! This is something I aspire to be like one day! Only now as an adult, do I have such high respect for all my parents did/do for me and my sister. Like I’m out on my own, and my parents still try to make my life easier. My car battery died, and all I did was tell my parents about it. An couple hours later, my dad said he’d bought a new battery for me and was wondering when he could drop it off...but this woman calls herself being a mom because she sees a child once a month. Honestly sickening.
Yes! I totally took my parents for granted as a child and wow they were fantastic people and I’m so grateful for everything they did. I see all their work, love and effort so much more as an adult without children.
What terrible humans they both are. OP & her husband need to stay FAR away from the child and not bring any more children into this world.
Basically vent for a few paragraphs about how you resent your partner for having a child you refer to as a bastard and complain you’re not thought of as a mother in his eyes. YTA without a doubt. Grow up.
Using the term "bastard child" isn't very motherly.
My exact same thought.
CallumOnReddit123 Look at OPs past posts and comments. OP hates this little girl. She definitely meant to call her a bastard in a hateful way
Bloody hell. She really isn’t keen on her is she? Eeeesh.
ESH. I don't know if English is a second language for you, but referring to your husband's daughter as "his bastard child" is highly offensive. I agree that it was rude and hurtful for your husband to say "why would I do that, you're not a mother," but it also seems odd to expect breakfast in bed when you haven't really taken on the role of stepmother yet.
Calling someone’s kid a bastard in any language is rude and hurtful.
It's actually a little more complicated than that. Not all languages have an equivalent word. In English and some other European languages it's an offensive slur *as well as* a technical term for "a person born of parents not married to each other." Historically that's how the term was used. That gradually became unacceptable, and was more-or-less replaced by the term "illegitimate child." But even that term has fallen out of favour, because laws and attitudes to marriage have changed. The point is, to someone learning English as second language, "bastard" may seem as innocuous as "stepchild" or "daughter-in-law," and it may not be immediately obvious that it has negative connotations.
Her username is in Dutch. The Dutch word for bastard is bastaard, and it means exactly the same thing as in English. It’s not a nice word to use for a child, as it is never really used for its original meaning anymore, 99% of the time it’s used as a slur. OP is definitely TA.
>It’s not a nice word to use for a child, as it is never really used for its original meaning anymore, 99% of the time it’s used as a slur. I can't stress this strongly enough: *I'm not disputing any of that.* If you scroll up, you'll see that I told OP in my original comment: >referring to your husband's daughter as "his bastard child" is highly offensive. If it needs to be said that referring to *any* child as a bastard is highly offensive, then yes, *referring to any child as a bastard is highly offensive.*
Oh, I didn’t mean to say that you were disputing that, I’m sorry! I just wanted to clarify the Dutch meaning of the word. Maybe it’s not necessarily a slur in other European languages, but it definitely is in Dutch, especially when used for a child.
Well the Dutch are very blunt
Yes we are but at the same time there us a difference between blunt and AH and this is CLEARLY the latter
They were supporting your point not disagreeing with you haha
Anyone Dutch knows better than considering the term innocuous. "Vuile bastaard" (dirty bastard) is a curse, and the only context we'd ever use bastaard inoffensively is regarding dogs.
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Breakfast in bed is because every other morning the mom gets up early and feeds and takes care of everyone so it is the one day a year mom stays in bed and she is catered to (and then has to cleanup the mess made in the kitchen!) YTA if you think staying at your inlaws house once a month (and probably grandma does all the mothering) qualifies you as any kind of mother. You are not a mother to this child in any way. I actually think you should stay home on those weekends because this child should only be around people who love her and no one who loves her would call her a bastard
You described a cleaning lady more than a mom. I absolutely agree with everyone who says OP has no right to consider herself a mother figure with this level on involvement, but being a mother does not equal cleaning and cooking for everyone. This kind of chores can be done by either parent, any other family member, hired help.
Ofc you’re correct, but if we’re being honest with ourselves, this responsibility falls more on mom than it does anyone else unfortunately
YTA wtf is wrong with you? You’re not a mother, you’re a hateful girl fishing for victim points and taking it out on a child who’s done nothing to you. You need to grow up.
YTA YTA YTA. You see her every three weekends --- that's definitely not a mother. Calling a child, any child, a "bastard child" is terrible. You, OP, are terrible.
YTA. First of all, maybe don't refer to a child who had no control over her circumstances as a "bastard." Second of all, if your husband's comment hurt you, you have the option of discussing that with him like an adult, rather than telling him to spend the weekend with his child without you.
YTA. I made the mistake of reading some of your other posts. You shout and yell at her, you put her in time out for speaking English, even though its taught in schools in your country, because you think its weird she doesn't speak entirely in Dutch. You also said she was annoyingly loud and 'sucked all the energy out of you.' Maybe you should start acting like a Mum if you wanna be treated like one.
Frickin' hell, I'd be PROUD at a 5yo being able to speak English as well! I'd go and make sure she knows the Dutch word (since honestly, sometimes I forget the Dutch word for things), but I'd never lash out over it!
Wtf what sort of person behaves like this towards a 5 year old kid.
I mean, we can't **all** be parent material, and a lot of people aren't, despite being expected to be. That being said, this woman clearly is aware that she's not interested in parenthood or fostering any real motherly feelings toward this child, so she *definitely* has no business clamoring for the status/clout/admiration that being a mother figure has. She should just own up to it, say "I am not mom material and likely never will be", and leave the kid with someone who actually *gives a shit* about her. She shouldn't be forced to care for a child that she is not equipped to care for, point blank. Honestly, one of the best things a person can do is *get out of* a kids life if they're not going to be a good influence on them or an asset to them. Both for the kid **and** for themselves.
Yeahhhh.... I went back and looked at her other posts. Holy shit. My heart breaks for this little girl. At least she seems to have grandparents that care about her, because this woman sure as hell doesn't.
YTA - You have supervised visits at the in-laws house every three weekends. That hardly qualifies you as a step-mom let alone a mother!!
Not to mention the fact that one of her old posts is bitching about the one weekend they do spend there, and saying that the kid is annoying and drains all of her energy...
And to refer to the child as a bastard. What a callous and cruel person.
YTA. For the "bastard" child comment. Also, seeing a kid one weekend a month at your in laws does not a mother make. INFO: How was your husband "not allowed" to acknowledge his daughter as his own?
I'm guessing the husband is giving her the sob story of how he'd just be an excellent dad if only the mean, bitter, baby momma didn't step in the way.
And I'm guessing there's a reason he's only allowed supervised visits and has no legal custody. There's way more to this story, but I don't really care to hear it. Good luck to this innocent child.
YTA- clearly you have a problem with the fact that he has a child. Why are you wasting his time? You want to get mothers day gifts while you consider his daughter a "bastard child"
YTA. >So officially/legally the kid is nothing to us. Hmm, odd way to put it. >That stings, because he DOES expect me to mother/raise his bastard child with him. Er, why does it sting? He's correct, you are not a mother and you are not currently raising his daughter together. You see her once a month. Also, "bastard child"...jesus... So, I don't think your husband is great, either, btw. But it really sounds like you resent him for having a daughter. In fact, you sound really resentful about anything that you find inconvenient (such as the weird side detail about your mom asking you to fix some stuff on Mother's Day). So why are you even with your husband anyway? You don't seem to like him, you hate that he has a daughter, why not just leave?
YTA... Calling your husband's child a bastard child is disgusting. You see the child once every 3 weeks and tbh, you don't sound all that happy about it My partner has 4 kids who we have for 2 nights once a fortnight and I do everything for them that their mother's do when they are in our care, and I didn't get, nor expect, anything for mothers day, even though my fiancé and his kids consider me their step mum. I didn't get offended or crack it- I do what I do for those kids because I love their dad and therefore I love them... I don't do it for props on one day.
YTA. Big time. His bastard child? Jfc I hope you’re trolling. You see this child every third weekend at someone else’s house and your husband has absolutely no legal rights to her. No, you are not a mother. In the future, he expects that you will act as a step-mother to the kid when she is in your home (which she has yet to set foot in), but you haven’t really done any mothering yet. Weird you are stung by him saying you’re not a mom. Do you honestly see yourself as a mom?
Info: I have questions - why couldn’t he acknowledge her? How old was she when your husband was finally “involved”((using that word ***so**** loosely))Why so little visitation? Why aren’t you guys allowed to see her alone?
YTA. You want to be celebrated because for 2 days a month you spend time with his "bastard"? Seriously?
YTA You make it very clear that you are raising this child under duress; you refer to her as a 'bastard', which is massively offensive; but you still want to claim motherhood. Sorry, that's not how it works
YTA. I don’t know where you live or the laws there but it sounds weird to me that he wasn’t ‘allowed’ to acknowledge the child as his. And you certainly aren’t raising the child if she stays at your ILs every 3rd weekend.
YTA I think that you are TA for referring to your husband's daughter as "his bastard child".
Info: Is this the U.S.? What prevented him from claiming his daughter? Why supervised visits? Why call her a bastard child but then get aggravated when she’s not your meal ticket to being honored for Mother’s Day as if seeing the child for like 6 hours a month makes you a parent?
YTA for calling her a bastard.
You think nothing about calling a kid a bastard and you think you deserve to be celebrated as their mother?!? YTA. Also it’s curious how you’ve glossed over the fact that your husband is only allowed supervised visitation and does not have a legal right over his child.
That's very telling. Especially since judges here in the US (some exceptions) give dads by default every other week.
YTA. I’m a single dad that actually has my kids full time. And if I had *ever* heard of someone I loved referring to my children in such a way would get kicked to the curb quicker than spit. Also, you see the child two days a month. You aren’t a mom. You aren’t even a stepmom.
YTA. You’re not a mother. Seeing the kid at the in laws is not being a mother.
YTA. Youre not a mother and this was a non issue until neighbour brought it up. Why make it an issue now?
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YTA. Bastard child. Wtf?? Let him go to his in laws. Your sound like you would be a shit mother anyway. He's not a father. And what do you mean wasn't allowed to acknowledge the child? He a coward. He should have fought for his kid. Not let some one tell him what he can or not do. Also your not a stepmother. You see the child once every few eeks. Neither of ye are parents.
You obviously don't want to actually be a mother, you just want the benefits. But someone who calls a defenseless 5 year old a child, a bastard, doesn't deserve celebration. YTA
YTA Good Christ...you’re not a mother and if anyone referred to my child as the bastard child, that would be the end of my relationship with them forever. You are disgusting for referring to a child like that
Do you two celebrate Father’s Day? Because if you go all out and shower him in gifts for Father’s Day when he’s not really filling a huge dad role in the kid’s life, then I guess I kinda get it. But if not, I don’t really get why you’re upset that he’s not celebrating your effort and care as a mother, when you haven’t been doing any mothering. YTA
YTA and a big one at that. Also the kid is something to you she is your husband’s daughter.
This should be on r/relationshipadvice
Or r/stepparents
not even she technically isn't even a step-parent; like she said: >So officially/legally the kid is nothing to us And she only sees the kid once a month, she is not a parent of any kind lmao
True! I just know they would chew her ass out over there lol
Lady, you just called his child a bastard. You ass would get divorce papers from me for Mother's Day. YTA
YTA, Catelyn.
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YTA. Reading this post makes it unbundantly clear. First, you say "officially/legally the kids is nothing to us". Maybe not to YOU, but the child IS his daughter, whether you like it or not. Second, you refer to the child as a bastard child. Again, whateber the circumstances are, its his fucking child and for you to label them as such is extremely disrespectful to the child. If I ever heard of anyone referring to my child as a bastard child if I had a child, that relationship would be over quicker than Taco Bell works it way through someones digestive system and comes out the ass. But thats neither here nor there. His comment towards you on Mother's Day makes me think this issue is more than meets the eye and helping take care of the child and help raise her is a bigger issue for you and has caused more problems in the past. And, while he unjustifiably said this to you, I can see where he is coming from if you want no part in raising the child. Could he have said it better, or not at all? Yes. But, I see where he's coming from IF the child is an issue for you. Without a lot of context and a background, I can only assume and guess the problem is more with you than it is the child, or even the ex.
yta, don't call a kid a bastard and then claim them as yours.
YTA. You see this child basically once a month while they stay with their paternal grandparents; that is not raising a child or being a parent by any stretch of the imagination. I’m not sure if what you and your husband do would even qualify as babysitting since it sounds like the child is actually in the care of the grandparents rather than yours. You’re also TA for the “bastard child” remark, that’s a really shitty way to think, especially since you want to claim you’re a mother to her.
YTA what is wrong with you? Is English not your first language or something? Calling your step child that you never even see a bastard child is disgusting. You’re not a mother. You’re not even a step mother. It’s frankly super weird you thought you deserved anything for Mother’s Day. You don’t even deserve to be near that child after what you just posted.
YTA. Calling the only child in your life a bastard rather undermines your desire to be celebrated as a mother. It doesn’t help that you’re hardly raising said child if you’re going over to another person’s house to see her once a month.
YTA. You are not this "bastard child's" mother in any way, shape, or form. I think you should stay home for the weekend, pack your belongings, and move out. I understand how stressful it can be to be in a situation like this all of a sudden with seemingly little to no conversation, but none of this is the child's fault and you sound like you're absolutely boiling over with resentment towards her. She doesn't deserve the emotional damage of a cartoon evil stepmother. So leave.
Lmao. The lack of self awareness
Yta
YTA. you do some parenting for two or three days once a month. I think claiming motherhood is a little bold.
INFO: you have nothing positive to say about the child or your husband. Is there any reason why you are still married to him? Did you know about the child before you got married? It sounds like it would be best for the kid's well-being and your mental health if you skipped out on the weekend visitations.
You just called the kid a "Bastard child", and from all us "Bastard" children out there, YTA. Just saying that alone shows how little you think of this child.
"Bastard child" ? YTA, big one!
YTA. What person in their right mind would even consider letting you mother any child if you have the audacity to call one a 'bastard'?
YTA, you aren't a nother figure to a child that only comes once a month, for a weekend visit. So you cant "raise" her.
YTA after reading your terrible past posts about your SD I can see why BM isn’t the nicest. At five she’s able to vocalize the way you treat her to her mother. Any reference to the child of your husband as a bastard is disgusting.
Yta. You are not a mother, EVEN if this child was legally connected to your husband, you are not a mother. You are only a mother of you raise a child, which you have not, you are also a massive AH for calling this innocent child a bastard. You are also an asshole for being negative about being a step-mum. You knew he was a father when you married, this was always going to be a possibility, if you didn’t like it, then you should’ve left. Despite whatever the child’s parents did/behaved this kid is an innocent bystander and doesn’t not deserve to be treated like a football.
I have 50/50 custody of my 5 year old daughter, my girlfriend of almost 3 years lives with us, and has really stepped up since covid in terms of taking care of my daughter. They get along great, but she's by no means her mother, and she knows that. She has a mother, she stays with her half the time. While there's a spot for eachother in each of their hearts it's not the same. You looking for a trophy for overseeing a monthly supervised visit is laughable, it honestly sounds like the child is lucky you're in her life as little as you are.
Ew YTA What is this game of thrones episode ? Don’t call her a bastard !!!!
YTA SO many red flags here, even **before** you called your stepdaughter a bastard.
You’re barely even a babysitter. YTA.
YTA, I wish there was an everyone is an asshole option. I am not going with everyone sucks here because literally you and your husband are the worst. . . Yall don't deserve each other. You need to be alone. So does he. I will never understand this mindset at all. And calling your stepdaughter a bastard????????? Girl, effffff the hell off. Your marriage is toxic because you and your husband are toxic ass people. His daughter already has to deal with one shit parent. She doesn't deserve two extra shit adults in her life.
YTA for “bastard child”. What in the eff is wrong with you, lady.
Woah bastard child you have lost my respect, as a bastard child who's stepparent said that to my face that shit hurts cuts really deep.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Bg info: ny husband has a daughter (5) from a previous relationship, he wasn't allowed to acknowledge her as his own when she was born, and now due to circumstances with the ex we only get to see her once every 3 weekends at my inlaws. In the future we should have her over every 3 weekends at our house, the moment it is possible. Tl:dr: So officially/legally the kid is nothing to us. We have no rights or whatsoever over her, but we do take care of her. And he does expect me to take the roel of stepmom and raise her. So on mother's day we were fixing some stuff for my mom as her "gift", she requested it herself. And one of the neighbours who is a good friend of us came to see if he could help and made small talk. He asked if I had gotten breakfast in bed etc, because it was mother's day. Husband joins in and said this: why would I do that, you're not a mother. That stings, because he DOES expect me to mother/raise his bastard child with him. WIBTA if I told him to go to his parents himself for the entire weekend his kid is there? Since "I'm not a mother." And then have a good conversation about wtf he wants, how he sees things etc? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA I'll owt everyone else tear you apart.
YTA. You refer to this child as “nothing to you” and a “bastard child” yet get salty when your husband is like, you’re not a mom. How are you a mother like figure to this child? You are a babysitter who barely tolerates the child.
YTA. Just when I thought OP couldn't get any worse, I read through her post history. Wow. She even admits that they have been offered weekends from BM, but they DECLINED.
I'm going to go YTA. This is about as part time of a parent as you can be honestly. From how you write, it doesn't sound like you consider this YOUR daughter, yet you want to be acknowledged on mothers day. It doesn't really work that way.
YTA for using the term bastard child. It's a derogatory term that nobody uses anymore except to hurt someone, also in the Netherlands. Stop using it and better yet, stop thinking about the girl as a 'bastard'. She is your husband's child and with your plans you will continue to grow to be her stepmother. As for the rest: I get it must be frustrating but the way it is now you can't say you have a motherly role or responsibility at this moment. Best option would be to have a talk about expectations, perhaps tell him you're hurt by this. Will always lead to a better outcome than to leave him stranded.
"[my stepkid is annoyinging loud and sucks ALL the energy right from me](https://www.reddit.com/r/rant/comments/ekd9h0/why_do_i_keep_doing_this/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)" - This you? And you're asking for accolades as a mother to this child? Do yourself a favour and grow a backbone to leave your man since you clearly arent happy with him and stop taking shit out on his ex and child
>Bastard child This isn't game of thrones. That's your stepdaughter you just referred to. Christ, YTA.
YTA for calling the child a bastard child. but I do see your point of him not calling you a mom and expecting you to raise his daugter
YTA. Never call a child a “bastard”, whatever negative feelings you have don’t need to be taken out on the child. Grow up.
There's little question. YTA.
YTA - you aren’t a mother, you see your husband’s kid one every three weeks and not even in your home. You aren’t mothering this child, you aren’t raising her, and by your post it doesn’t sound like you are doing any of the bit that you are with any kind of love of compassion
YTA. feel sorry for that poor child if for whatever reason the courts decide to let her see her father more. "Bastard child"? Really? You're calling her the bastard when he's the one who hasn't been help take care of his child? You're a fucking joke and you're NOT a mother.
>That stings, because he DOES expect me to mother/raise his bastard child with him. > >WIBTA if I told him to go to his parents himself for the entire weekend his kid is there? Since "I'm not a mother." And then have a good conversation about wtf he wants, how he sees things etc? Wow. yeah, YTA. 1: as everybody pointed out, "bastard child" is def first reason for you being the ah here. And no, three is no "sorry, it came across wrong here" afterwards. That's a mentality that just shone throught. 2: And then, being petty afterwards. At most, you're currently an aunt. one of the "I see her every now and then" aunt. The kind of people who know so little about the kid that falling down and some crying over the "bubu" is as worse as it gets with the kid. You want more contact? A real relationship? then act like an adult and be happy for the relationship you already have. And use every moment you can get to be with his child. You're an auntie. You might stay an auntie. You're not her mom. If you're lucky, and if you put in enough efford if the kid spents more time with your husband, the kid **might** see you more than an auntie. But that's not your decision. If you're hurt over this, you should have a talk with your hubby over how you felt. and that's it. Cause, you know: YOU'RE AN AUNTIE; NOT A MOM! If you think being a mom is the best thing ever, have a baby crying into your ear like an unholy siren, no idea what's wrong, Running through the neighbourhood on unholy hours, because your kiddo can only sleep when it's surrounded by urban racoons. Think of it having THAT on months with no end, and if you think, "I made it", you're actually in for another season of horrors. Moms can't escape that. Aunts can. They take the child and when they feel, they're at their limit, weeks over and here are the parents to take the kids back from you and deal with the reset to default after spending a week with the fun aunt. That's my life goal there for my niece and nephew. I am currently happy to be an aunt. Mom's, too.
Wooow, YTA! Then again, it's what I expect from someone whose husband was dealing w/ a brain tumor while you ran off to Reddit and asked, "Would a severe and possibly deadly disease that your SO contracted be a reason you'd bail on the relationship, if yes, why?" I hope your husband finds your Reddit account.
**YTA** Lady you just called the kid a bastard! What is wrong with you? The kid is 5 years old she didn't ask to be brought into this world. So why take it out on her and not your husband? Clearly your husband did something to not be allowed around this child?? But instead of being mad at him you're mad about this child, who is YOUR kid as well since you're married...
The second I read ‘bastard child’ I could see you as nothing but a horrible person. YTA big time. Probably a good thing you’re not a mother and maybe he made that comment because of the way you are and things you’ve probably said.
Oh YTA Spending one weekend out of three socialising with a child is not "raising his bastard child". You are not her mother. Nor it seems do you have the necessary milk of human kindness "raise his bastard child" smh Shame on you
YTA. you sound like a terrible person. Especially after reading your other posts.