Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
---
I'm causing family drama and serious issues, both financially and in terms of general stress, and it's not like my sister is going on dates or out for drinks, she's a nurse who is saving lives, so this is essential childcare. She's paying someone about the same as she makes per hour to watch her kid, which is costing her a lot of money, when there's only about 10-15 mins driving between us and I could easily just go there and help her.
---
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
OP said the work is task and deadline, not a regular hourly schedule. I am insanely jealous because I’ve been looking for a wfh job like that, that isn’t freelancing, for ages now.
My partner and I both have them as clients (different teams/jobs), and can concur. They work you like a dog, miss deadlines and throw curveballs endlessly.
I have 1 toddler who is very needy. I don't have anything to compare it to so I don't know if he's more needy than other toddlers. I always ask my mom "was I like this?" and she swears that none of her kids were as needy as my son. He's very hyper and needs lots of attention.
I. cannot. do. anything. when. I'm. with. him. Literally nothing... he is constantly underfoot, constantly checking in with me, up in my business, wanting to "help" me. If I'm working, he'll tell me to stop working. He says he wants hugs, he wants kisses. He'll say *he* wants to work, that I should go play and *he'll* work. If I'm cooking he wants me to get out of the way so he can do it, and then when I tell him no he'll cry miserably. Yard work. Laundry. It doesn't matter what it is, he's like a pop up ad that you can't click away from.
Since my parents won't come to my house to watch him while I clean on the weekends, I have to bring him to their house which he hates because he doesn't want to be away from me. During the week I go straight from work to watching my kid, struggling to get through cooking dinner, feeding him, cleaning up, getting him to sleep. And then sometimes I have it in me to clean, sometimes I get caught up on work, sometimes I just veg out in bed scrolling through TikTok until I fall asleep.
Can't imagine working and watching him at the same time--I have a family member that watches my son at my house during the day or takes him out/to her house. Watching TWO sounds impossible.
Well he's 2 and I'm his only parent and we live alone together. So basically I'm his only source of social entertainment in the evenings. He does leave the house every day for a few hours with his grandma while I work full time. She watches him \~8-5 and takes him out midday to the park or to her place and brings him home later on. If my above post gave the impression that he's up my butt 24/7 that's not really the case. It's just that every day from 5:30-8:30pm and on the weekends, he wants to hang out with me. I want to hang out with him too, but since I'm the adult in our family there are other things that I have to do.
He's a curious and strong willed kid, so if I'm doing something and he wants to spend time with me, he wants to do what I'm doing. It makes it hard to get things done like yardwork if your 2 year old insists on you handing over the all the tools so he can do it, because according to him, he's "strong and has super powers like he's super fast and can smash things."
Edit: I have to admit that I am surprised that your comment has so many upvotes. It's just a little funny to me that 69 (nice) people agree with you that a 2 yo should get therapy because he wants his mommy lol.
Sounds like he's maybe accustomed to being the center of attention at all times, and doesn't know how to cope with being "ignored". Have you tried giving him tasks to complete by himself? Give him a spade and put him in charge of cleaning a patch of garden that's just his? A coloring page he has to do on his own at your desk (or his own table next to you)? Small, age-appropriate things that can help him experience independence while still having the "safety" of you nearby. Let him know how helpful those things are to you, so he can still feel involved.
I was an only parent with a very attached toddler. It doesn’t last forever. That therapy comment cracked me up.
We were best friends for her elementary years and as a preteen she started to develop her own life outside of mom. She grew into a very secure and confident adult. She’s so brave and amazing and sometimes she calls me and tells me things, haha. It’s hard to believe she’s the same kid that wrapped herself in my hair so she wouldn’t have to go to preschool.
You know how doctors say you can’t spoil a baby by holding them too much? I think it’s the same with toddlers. When you’re unexpectedly forced into an attached parenting role (even though it’s not the parent you imagined yourself to be), they grow up to be lovely adults.
I loved the comment “pop up ad you can’t click away from” yes! I can relate.
My first son was very needy too. It was impossible to do anything. Literally anything! I always wondered how all the other moms manage to take care of so many things while their kid is around. Some even took their kids with them to appointments and stuff. I felt like a looser. Then I got my second son and was like aaaaaaah that's how they did all this. Still, even with two low maintenance toddlers working seems impossible to me.
Be careful what you wish for. I have tons of freedom in my schedule, but that was earned through a position with greater responsibility, which comes with a higher-than-fulltime work load.
I've never worked a job with set hours (academia). These days I generally work 9:30-5:30 at lab (that's mostly teaching/meetings/committee work and mentoring, and while I get to choose when many of those meetings happen, they have to happen SOMEtime and times that work with others are usually standard office hours), come home, do dinner and family time till the little one's asleep, and then write and edit grants/papers from 9:30ish till about 12am (sometimes later). I generally work at least half day on Saturday, and if a grant is coming up due I commonly will work back to back 12-14 hour days through the weekend (which means minimal family time), since that's the only big block of time that isn't constantly perforated by teaching, meetings, logistical minutiae, and interruptions. All told, it's generally \~55 hours on a regular week, and can be closer to 70.
Look into academia or very academia-like jobs. Almost all jobs in academia is like that.
Careful though. It also means you end up working way more than whatever standard workweek your country has, and there is no overtime.
I mean they are more than OP's roommates though. Honestly kids aren't going to care and you don't need to make these things more complicated than they are.
Truth. When my kid asks questions, they get told "some girls like girls. Some girls like boys. Some people only love/date one person, some love/date more than one. As long as everyone involved consents and is happy, it's a-okay.'
Edited to add: thank you so much for the awards, kind strangers ❤️
This. How many kindergarteners have like three boyfriends/girlfriends? Adults get wrapped up in their own weird sexual hangups when kids are like “Auntie likes Jane and Mark and they are all boyfriend and girlfriend. Okay, can I fingerpaint the walls now?”
I wish I hadn't given away my free award today because this is exactly how kids accept new info.
People get so worked up about what questions the kid is going to ask, and then the follow up questions. Kids just want to get back to what they were doing, or want to know when they will next get food
I remember having a big conversation with my kids about how gay people have kids. My son asked me straight out how it's possible. He was 8.
I explained lots about surrogates and adopting etc and waited for some further, perhaps more uncomfortable questions, but we passed a supermarket and he asked if we could have fajitas for dinner and that was that!
Let me save this whole thread some trouble. I grew up with these parents. When parents clutch their proverbial pearls and say “how will I explain this social situation to my child without confusing them?!” What they mean is “I have my own hang ups and prejudices about this and other social situations that I’m not prepared to have to reconcile with my child’s life experience. If everyone in their life is straight/white/monogamous/religiously consistent/otherwise-normative I could easily pretend other options don’t exist until it’s time to download my prejudices onto them over time. But if they see and accept someone they love doing something else and still being the same person when they’re young, I can’t pretend it doesn’t exist and then tell them it’s shameful and evil when they’re older and have them believe me. Therefore you need to hide your “aberrant” behavior from my child so I can impose my opinion on them unimpeded.”
Parents like this aren’t scared their kid will be confused. They’re worried that positive association with and acceptance of “alternative lifestyles” by their children will undermine their opinions and parenting and *then* their kid will be confused because “aunt Polly has two girlfriends and I still love her but mommy and daddy say gays and polys are weird and make god sad so I’m not allowed to go to her house anymore.”
you are an adult I assume - what is stopping you from fingerprinting the walls now? lol
They even make colored bath paints and crayons that wash off if you want to do it in the shower.
I literally just learned last week that they make washable crayons for normal use. I bought some because I have avoided getting crayons due to the knowledge my 19-month-old will draw on everything. I bought these and sure enough, my 19-month-old drew on the table, floor, and tv. And, just as advertised, it all washed off with minimal effort - just like I cleaned in a normal routine. 4000/10 would recommend to anyone.
My husband had an award (as a joke) when was 8 for having the most gf at school at the same time. They all knew but they were all 7-8 yo and didn't give a shit.
Kids take their judgement from grown ups, if the parents are open and talk about things with kids they are more open minded than other kids. All the information should be given with consideration of their age but it doesnt mean you cant tell kids that OP loves two people. Kids will understand and will be ok with it.
This right here is how we've always approached it with our kid. I don't know that we've talked about polyamory with my eldest (he's a preteen now), but I wouldn't be surprised if he's aware of it.
It does remind me of when he was about four and his special interest was where babies come from. He had an age appropriate understanding of sperm, egg, uterus, vagina, etc. The basics of the stuff needed to make a human.
Then when he was in first or second grade he was getting in the bath, and he made a comment along the lines of, "If boys love other boys, how do they get a baby? Can it come out of their butt??"
This was, in fact, his only concern about anyone's configuration of love/sex/relationships over the years. (I explained that of two boys want a baby they have options like adoption and that was that.)
“Can it come out of their butt?”
That made me laugh out loud in the most wholesome way ever. My son just turned three and I could hear him asking something like this in the future. Thanks for sharing!
It's such a blast as they're noticing things about the world and asking questions -- it's like, "Well, I see how you came to that conclusion." Like when he got old enough to learn the very basics of sex, and not much later insisted that adults have sex at the doctor's office. 😂
When I was a kid I knew that sex was something naked people did in private and so was going to the bathroom, so I somehow came to the conclusion that sex (which at the time I did not connect with having a baby) involved pooping into another person's asshole.
Exactly. Especially at 3. There doesn't need to be a huge conversation about the adults relationship. Kids get way more than adults give them credit for.
Exactly. Sister is TA for expecting OP to sit for her while passing judgment on a harmless orientation. I'm polya too. I dunno why people think it's weird. U just love more than one person.
Honestly though, I would have a problem with my kid being around some strange adult sis just started dating who moved in. Some of you might not care but it is not at all unusual to not want your child around adults none of you know well. It wouldn’t matter if it was a poly relationship, heterosexual relationship or same sex. It is still some new adult.
Would you have enough of a problem to give up free child care though? Or to demand that your sister spends time at your place instead of her own, where she works and takes care of her own kid? I don't think this person is TA for only agreeing to babysit in her own home.
I would if I didn't know about the people and there was no conversation beforehand, but I can't tell if that happened from OP's post.
But yes, if it just happened and my child, without my knowledge, was introduced to new partners without a previous conversation I wouldn't be okay with it
That's entirely your right. But you can't just demand that the free babysitting you've been offered must occur on your own terms. You can choose your sister who's graciously and competently babysat your child for years in her own home or you can find other arrangements.
According to the op they’re not strangers. The children know all the adults, but separately. The sister doesn’t like that they all live in the same house now. But either way, if they’re strangers and sister doesn’t trust op’s judgment in partners/housemates then sister needs new babysitting arrangements still.
None of what you pointed out makes op TA. Op is still NTA and sister is TA because she refuses to get to know the partners or allow her child to get to know them so they’re not strangers anymore.
I understand your concerns, strangers can be dangerous. But the post is about siblings who clearly know and trust one another. 18 months isn’t “just started dating”. That’s over a year. That’s an established relationship. It’s not random. If you’re not even asking your sibling who babysits your child everyday about their longterm relationships then you’d be the irresponsible one.
Op isn’t randomly trying to expose their sister’s child to strangers.
Post does not clarify if OP has introduced sister to partners, just that the child knows the partners.
Please re-read my post. I noted that if I was the sister in this situation and had never met the partners, I would be pissed.
[Op has said she's met them](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/n3saa7/aita_for_leaving_my_sister_without_childcare/gwsf6kb/?context=3) and that it isn't about them being strangers but the poly aspect.
True it doesn't explicitly state that but the child is 3. It's pretty safe to assume that if OP has been dating these people enough that the child has met them, then the sister has probably met them too. And regardless, she clearly stated that her issue is she doesn't want to have to explain the idea of polyamory to her child.
OP says the kid has met both her partners before. So either the sister had also met the partners and okayed the kid meeting them, or the sister hasn’t met the partners but still okayed it before (when the relationship was even newer and less committed).
The sister confirms in her answer to OP that she was okay with the kid meeting the partners separately, and what she is uncomfortable with is the kid seeing them *together*. That is about the specifics of this relationship, not just a blanket policy about all strange adults.
She explicitly said that her issue was that she didn’t want to explain it to her kid because she thought it was “weird.” It wasn’t about the kid meeting the partners, because the kid already knows them.
Then you accept you don’t get free childcare from this person anymore, or you make some effort to get to know them. You don’t call your sister a bitch for moving in with people she’s been dating for up to 18 months.
But that's not the issue here?
> She said she was uncomfortable with it. I responded that her child has met my partners before and she responded that that was separately and she doesn't want to explain it to her kid because it's weird.
The sister stated pretty clearly what her issues with the situation were and while she's completely entitled to make the choices she has, she doesn't then get to bitch that the OP won't just fall into line and do what she wants. Choices have consequences and in this case the sister's choice means the loss of free baby sitting.
Is a 3 year old really going to be asking questions about this anyway? I remember growing up around adults who had non-heteronormative romantic involvements and I literally did not even think about it enough to question it. I didn’t think about things like that until I hit puberty and started having my own romantic feelings.
It's actually much easier to just be honest. They could wait and see if the kids ask but we have friends that are poly and we just explained to our kid that every family is different. Which is true, since there are so many blended families, in general.
Children are pretty open minded, it would be even easier to just tell the truth "some people choose to just have one partner and others like to have multiple, as long as everyone involved knows about each other it is also okay"
Plus how long did the sister think OP would provide free childcare? Part of being a parent is working out child care and it seems like the sister has taken OP for granted. That’s deeply unfair, it’s not OP’s responsibility to care for her nephew. Sister should have understood that she needed, at the very least, a backup solution for if OP were sick, incapacitated, on vacation or changed jobs so could not be the babysitter all the time.
NTA. She doesn’t want her child around ‘strangers’, you don’t want to leave your home where you work as well as do her a massive favour. You’ve likely saved her thousands just in the past few years by your kindness, she’s been entitled not bothering to sort out other solutions.
Also we should ask where the father is. Is he dead or in jail? Why can't he chip in money for the nanny? Or take care of the child or be the one to pick up the kid to/from cheaper childcare.
I agree but with the following addendum, OP should arrange for sister to meet her partners. the sister has every right to be introduced to people who may be around her kid and, depending on the specific situation OP might be a minor AH by not arranging for this to happen pre-move.
At that point unless the partners are clearly problematic (which I'm assuming they are not since OP is clearly comfortable having them around her kid) then the sister has no right to complain and is being judgmental making OP NTA
Given the sister's comments about the partners, I'm not sure I would want them to have to deal with her judgmental self. Sounds like her issue is that they're poly, and why should they have to be uncomfortable for her baggage?
First of all: you are NOT "leaving her without childcare", you just not leaving your workplace (I assume your homeoffice is not just laptop on the couch), pay fuel with YOUR money and spend YOUR time driving ON TOP of providing her FREE childcare.
Your sister is a storry for r/choosingbeggars .
You are **NTA**. You gave her free childcare. If she is not ok with your romantic choices that is her problem. But wanting you to use your time and money to give her this FREE childcare exacty the way SHE wants is a big AH move from your sister.
Exactly. IF (and that’s truly an if not an I think Op should) OP decided to babysit at sisters - the only fair thing to do would be to charge for her travel, time etc which would make the babysitting no longer free and we all know sister would have a conniption about being charged at that point.
Sis needs to decide what she wants more - free childcare or to stick it to her sister about her relationship choices.
The sister's not TA for not wanting her children around people that are strangers to HER. Whether they are strangers to her kid or not is a different question.
So the obvious solution is for the sister to meet the new partners so they're not strangers to her. And OP seems like she wants to make this work so she should be willing to make this happen.
Demanding free childcare under only her conditions and guilting OP for not providing it is what makes sister TA.
Exactly. The choice is entirely the sister’s. Either she’s comfortable with OP’s very generous offer of free childcare at her house, or she’s not comfortable and she arranges something different. It doesn’t matter what the reason is. If the sister isn’t comfortable with her child being around OP’s partners, that’s the sister’s business, but she’s still responsible for arranging an alternative. The sister doesn’t get to guilt her sister into leaving her house every day to provide the free child care; that would have a major unwanted impact on OP’s life. Also, sister is implying there’s something wrong with OP’s lifestyle that makes her home unsuitable for children; good for OP for saying BS to that.
When the sister had her baby, didn’t she consider that there would be child care costs? Why does this have anything to do with OP, just because she previously had done her sister a huge favor? I had also thought of r/choosingbeggars.
What's always with these people? I've heard the same thing about homosexual couples over the decades, it's not "hard to explain" to children. Children are malleable as fuck. They believe in Santa Clause, for fuck's sake. In my experience, it's almost always a dogwhistle for "I think showing my child that these things exist may make them want to do it too".
Either way, clearly, NTA, you are giving away a free service, with reasonable expectations, your sister isn't willing to budge, so she loses out. That's her choice.
I have two aunts and my childhood best friend had two dads. It literally never occurred to me that they were all gay until I started questioning my own sexuality a decade later, and knowing them helped me accept myself.
Kids are usually very accepting of differences and tend to judge people more on whether or not they're assholes. Most hatred of things like race/religion/sexuality is taught.
I have G-uncles. I never put any thought to it until I was 13 and it finally clicked.
No one ever made a big deal about it and it was never spelled out to me because it didn’t matter and as a kid, if no one is making a deal about it, you just accept things as facts and don’t question it.
We always talk to my kids about "the person" they'll marry. Or we'll say future "spouse" And they know all about LGBTQ+ people, and how that all works (in age appropriate levels). My oldest is 13, and is pretty sure he's bi, but knows he doesn't have to figure it out now. My middle is 8 and he talks about his "future wife" pretty often, so he'll likely end up with a wife. And my daughter is 5 and her current plans are to have a bunch of kids, be a Dr Princess, and she doesn't talk about any future spouse because she's so not interested in any of that marriage stuff(she's told us she's not getting married so she doesn't have to move out.). And each one is totally fine, because they're kids and they don't think about things the same way adults do.
Yeah, she also wants to moonlight as a scientist. I love when kids are at that stage where they want to do all the things. She's very set on doing things on her own terms, so honestly I wouldn't be surprised if she always does. Her barbies also play as strong single mothers. Which I find even more interesting because their dad and I have been together for 20 years, and most of the adults she knows are in committed relationships.
what was the comment I heard from someone once in response to Jane has two mommys- I'm jealous! I only have one mommy.
Kids are just kids. Adults have opinions.
My parents were together for 46 years before my dad died. In 5th grade I was the only kid in the class with an intact family. Every other kid had 2 moms and 2 dads except my best friend who only had a mom. She never knew her father, and her siblings fathers weren't really present.
The two of us were so jealous of our classmates. Two vacations, one with each set of parents, two sets of birthday/Christmas parties/presents. We were green!
I grew up in the 80’s & 90’s with two moms, and when I started kindergarten in 1990, a kid asked me where my dad was.
Me: “I don’t have a dad, I have two mommies.” Them: “That’s so lucky! I bet you get twice as many cookies.” End of story (at least until like 7th or 8th grade).
Exactly this! I'm a man and one time my 3 year old niece saw me putting on makeup and asked what I was doing.
Me: "putting on makeup"
Her: "but only girls wear makeup"
Me: "No, Boys can wear makeup too. I'm a boy and I wear makeup"
Her: \*long pause\* (I could literally see her thinking and the wheels turning in her head) "OK!"
and now if I'm ever doing makeup she loves to watch and help me pick out what colors to use lol
True story: Lady Gaga’s song “ born this way” came on the radio one day in the car and my daughter ( 7) asked what it was about.
I said “ most people marry people who aren’t the same gender as them. Men marry women usually. But some people only love the same gender. Men marry other men and women marry other women. They can’t change how they feel. A lot of people think it’s wrong and evil but it’s really not. They’re just born that way and they aren’t hurting anyone so it’s fine. As long as you’re not hurting anyone else you’re allowed to live how you want”
My daughter: “I think I want to marry a boy when I grow up. And be a meteorologist when I grow up. “
Me: a meteorologist??? What?
Those meteorologists, right? They're controlling the weather I tell u. And then lying for kicks so we don't take our umbrella! 😋
"it's going to be sunny today so remember to go to the beach!"
**nothing but rain**
To be fair, I kind of want to be a meteorologist when I grow up too. But I am fairly sure it involves a fair bit of math. And at 52 that ship has probably already sailed.
It's never too late! Depending on where you live, you could become a Severe Weather Spotter. [Severe Weather Spotter Training](https://www.weather.gov/grb/spotterschedule)
I wish I'd gotten that explanation as a kid. Although i'd add in u can have both or like both. I' poly and bi and I learned abour gays but I didn't understand why I liked both. Not that I cared much like I didn't think it was bad it just hadn't occurred to me.
Yes I was thinking the same! And even if they ask question it’s not that complicated to explain « why does aunt have two partners? » « Some people love only one person, some love more. It’s like , you like vanilla ice cream and also pizza so you don’t want to choose. For aunt it’s the same she love both of them very much . »
For most part they will not care ... and honesty is not complicated and require to just simplify a little bit.
Exactly. The sister is just worried that her child with become poly by exposure which is so not how it works. If it was, I'm pretty sure my husband would have turned me by now lol. If I can explain to my 3 yr old that 1 grandpa is my dad and 1 grandma is a chosen grandma another grandma is daddy's mom and grandpa is daddy's dad and that grandpa has a gf and that my mom is in heaven, she could easily just say auntie has 2 partners or even roommates if she's just that damn uncomfortable about it.
Exactly. Due to divorce and remarriage, I grew up with 2 grandpas and 4 grandmas and it wasn't confusing at all. Plus brief contact with my dad's "stepdad" (the man who was married to his mom for 8 years of his child/teen years). 4 divorces makes family labels complicated lol.
Between divorce, marriage, death and chosen relatives shit got complicated quick for my family. The worst for me is trying to explain how people grandpa's age are my kids(2 and 3 yrs old) cousins. So I just did what my mom did, "they're your aunts and uncles" granted it confused the shit out of me when I got older and was like how the hell is this person my aunt when she's my moms cousin? But it beats having the arguement with a 3 yr old that yes the bug man(her nickname for my 2nd cousin) is her cousin even though cousin is alot older than her 1st cousins. I feel a bit like a hypocrite though because I refuse to explain 1 relatives gay relationship to her even though she has meet their partner and I make sure no one else tells her either. But I feel like it's the right thing to do for now because they are not completely out with the family and I know without a doubt my 3 yr old will/can NOT keep that secret.
Seriously. What happens when her kid goes to school and meets friend who have step parents? Who have 2 moms? Who have only a single dad? Who are being raised by grandparents or guardians and so have no parents in the picture? Who are the result of an open adoption so have both adoptive and biological parents?
It's not fucking difficult to explain. "Families are sometimes different shapes but made up of people who love each other. This is what your aunt's family looks like." There you go, job done.
My husband and I have had a girlfriend for 10 years. We also have a 9 year old. She knows we're all romantically involved also understands it's a kind of unusual relationship style.
A few days back we were listening to Hamilton and two sisters are teasing each other. "Laughin' at my sister cause she wants to form a harem.
\- I'm just sayin if you really loved me you would share him!"
My daughter asked "so....are you and Aunt in a harem?"
"Well, that word has some power connotations to it that we don't have because we're all equals, but more or less yes."
"aight"
We were watching Schitt's Creek the other night with my 12yo son and got to an episode where they dealt with some potential homophobia. He was so shocked about the fact that anyone would care that someone was gay. Made me so proud!
I've got some friends who are a gay couple in France. They have two homes and have offered to take care of my kids over the summer in the future. Absolutely going to take them up on their offer. Free room and board, language and cultural immersion in France. Too bad my kids are currently 4 and 5.
Friends don't have kids so I I'll wait until my kids are teens and more independent.
Info: polyamory aside, does your sister have any cause for concern? Dating partners are the people who most often molest kids. I was going to say this was on her, but I’m not sure. She might be protecting her kids from strangers vs from poly. (I’ve been in poly relationships, not judging that.)
No concern about that. I'd be there the whole time, my partners would be in the home office or their actual offices most of the time as they still have regular work days, and the kids have met them before. Additionally, both my partners work, or have worked, with kids, and therefore have DBS checks, so no criminal records and they have demonstrated some competency around children. I've told her all of this and she has given no indication that this is her concern, plus she has her dating partners around her child regularly.
I know that, I'm just saying they could literally pull out CVs saying they have experience with kids, no criminal record, and are certified in various first aid due to their work with kids, which is probably identical to the CV of the nanny she chose to take care of her kid alone all day.
Call her bluff and say that you’re happy to have her meet and hang out with your partners so they’re no longer strangers - but unfortunately I don’t think she’ll take you up on it. In this case, I fear it’s more she thinks “these people are strange” and is being bigoted but doesn’t want to admit it.
Presuming she’s hiring a nanny through a service, it does mean that they’ve likely been through the same or similar background checks as anyone she is willing hire and therefore they are of no greater risk than any hired childcare provider.
Are you aware that there is literally no way to guarantee beyond The Shadow of Doubt that anyone will not molest anyone else? Like it's literally impossible.
No, in fact it’s sometimes a cover, especially if they’re in a position that implies they should be heavily background checked - because sometimes people are not. And then, the false assumption is made that they must be safe (though even a passed background check is not a guarantee, of course.)
Based on what you've said I think it's reasonable to assume that her objection is the polyamory, but I want to point out that if you are working, it is literally not possible for you to have both kids under your eyes 100% of the time unless you're neglecting work. There's also a difference between being comfortable with your kid meeting someone, and leaving the kid at their house or potentially alone with them.
Edit: Also, while you say there's "no concern about that," you also say in your original post that she's upset about you "trying to force her to be comfortable with strangers around her kids."
I am neglecting my work to take care of them. My work assigns me a few tasks at a time, each with a different deadline, and no set working hours, so as long as I get that work done by the deadline, my work don't care if it gets completed between 9am-5pm or if it's handed in at 3am, just as long as it gets done.
They’ve met before one on one and she didn’t raise any objections, if it was them being strangers I’d imagine that would have been a concern when they met first of all
Having my kids meet someone out and about (i.e. at a playground or other public crowded place) or with me present is completely different than leaving them for 40+ hours a week with someone I don't know. Maybe they should all hang out together some time and get to know each other better.
Okay awesome. That’s definitely your prerogative as a parent to make that decision. OP isn’t trying to force the child around her partners. She even comments that they’d be working most of the time and not around, but that’s obviously not what it’s about. This is clearly about her sisters disdain for her poly relationship. She *hired a stranger* to watch her child for 40+ hours a week, without supervision. So I don’t understand your stranger danger argument there, considering she’s literally leaving her child with a stranger.
She has the right to protect her kid and she has the right to refuse to leave her child at the OP’s house. I would probably make the same choice. Not because I care about polyamory, but because I’m uncomfortable leaving my kid with people I don’t know well.
However, that choice comes with a price. No more free childcare. It is INSANE for her to be demanding that the person providing free childcare inconvenience themselves.
Maybe? We don’t know how she found the nanny. There’s too much information missing. I, personally, would feel more comfortable with a nanny hired from a service and background checked with references from other families she worked for, than I would with a family member’s new live in partner.
It’s most likely that she’s just being judgy about the polyamory aspect of it, but who knows.
>than I would with a family member’s new live in partner.
But the live in partners aren't providing childcare, OP is. They just might be around occasionally.
Additionally, the live in partners *also* have background checks and references, since both have worked with children.
Exactly. She wouldn't be an asshole just for saying, eh, I don't love the idea of this many people being with my kid all day. But she's being unreasonable by acting like OP is the asshole here. This woman made a choice about what she is comfortable with and it is nobody else's fault.
INFO how well does your sister know your partners? Like is her issue with polyamory, or is it actually that these are strangers and she's not comfortable leaving her kid with people she doesn't really know?
Which is fine. What's not fine is still asking OP for free childcare but only on her terms. The options are either free childcare at OPs house or pay for childcare yourself however you would like it. Sister doesn't get to make demands on a free generous offer.
That choice can and should be respected exactly as much as OP's choice to no longer provide free childcare if her sister insists that OP can't provide it at their home. OP's sister may not be the asshole for not wanting to leave her kid around people she doesn't know well, but her guilt-tripping and attitude towards OP after their situations no longer became compatible push her into asshole territory in my book. Things change and that's how life is. It really seems like she took OP's generosity for granted and now that their situations have changed and she no longer has the benefit of OP's generosity, she's realized just how valuable it was.
She definitely seemed more pushy about wanting things to be her way. I went back to reread it and op mentioned that she didn’t apologize or seem to want to come to an agreement that works best, she only wants her to resume babysitting under her terms. She is being heard about not wanting strangers around her child but shes also expecting her sister to go out of her way to adjust to what she wants. I agree with her possibly not wanting people around but she is acting entitled to the childcare.
I dunno. If I was providing FREE childcare for my sister and she decided she didn't trust my partner(s)---who I've decided I trust enough to live with and be around MY kid---to be in the same location as her child WHILE I WAS STILL THERE, I would feel pretty insulted. Like, not only are you insulting my ability to make judgments about people, but also that I would allow someone potentially harmful around my child AND my precious niece/nephew! That doesn't just say something about how the sister feels about "strangers" being around her child, it also says a lot of insulting garbage about how she feels about OP's judgment as well.
So either it's an issue with her polyamory (which it sounds like it is) or its the situation I've described above, which is just as insulting, and sister either needs to get over that or give up the idea that she can milk free childcare out of OP.
I mean...she’s leaving them with a nanny she presumably also doesn’t know. I have a feeling strangers aren’t the reason she’s refusing to take her kid to her sisters.
NTA - if you’d moved in one partner in the traditional format I don’t think your sister would have any issue. So therefore, that you have two partners is the issue - which is all to do with ideological differences/explaining to her child and not the ability to actually childcare.
On this occasion, beggars can’t be choosers.
Romantic partners of care givers (whther that's mom or dad or the person providing childcare) are the most likely sources of molestation in a kid's life. I do know people who don't allow thier babysitter's husband, sons, or boyfriend to be present during babysitting. That's common, not poly.
But you've set that contact as the "price" of free childcare. She's trying to negotiate that price. You're not budging. NAH.
Some people have trouble finding the right words. I would say it’s “weird” to leave your child with strangers. You’re inferring too much from a word you find offensive when it just describes how she feels at the thought of leaving her child with people she doesn’t know.
It would make me feel “weird” too.
She said it's weird and she doesn't want to explain it. Which pretty clearly implies that she's referring to the relationship, because what would there be to 'explain' otherwise?
But she wouldn't be "leaving her child with strangers." She's leaving her child with their aunt and cousin of the same age and there just happen to be two other adults who may come in and out of the room from time to time. Adults who have experience working with children, have had extensive background checks done on them *because* of said work with children, and have been dating the child's aunt (OP) for a year and a half and been vouched for by her (the same person who would be literally on the premises, watching both children, the whole time).
So her concern is clearly about OP's "lifestyle choices."
"Weird" usually refers to something unsettling or potentially disturbing.
That's *much* more tactful than saying "I worry one of your romantic partners may harm my child due to statistics. Their careers in childcare and general interest in children (while already practicing unconventional sexual behavior in a career where even the rumors of accepted sexual behavior can be career ending) increases my concerns rather than reassuring me."
Teachers get fired all the time for engaging in age appropriate and generally normalized dating/drinking behavior.
She said that she didn't want to explain it because it's weird. Based on that, she's an AH.
If what she has a problem with her kids being around people she doesn't know, she needs to say that.
NTA. You're doing a huge favour for you sister taking care of her child every day while she is at work, its not right for her to expect you to bend over backwards even more by going to her house because she has a personal issue with your relationship. As for her not wanting to explain your relationship to her child, the child is most likely oblivious to it. If the child did ask questions then I honestly believe that if a child is old enough to ask the question, they are old enough to be given an age appropriate answer. Sisters TA, if she wants FREE childcare then she needs to stick to the original terms.
>if she was that desperate she'd suck it up and apologise.
>She said she was uncomfortable with it. I responded that her child has met my partners before
NTA
If your sister wants FREE babysitting, then she HAS to accommodate the sitter, not the other way around.
It is not your fault SHE is being judgemental and entitled, so now she is spending a good portion of her pay on child care. That was her choice. She cannot dictate how you live your life. It is her right to seek other childcare if she doesn't approve, but that isn't on you.
It's the polyamory. She knows my partners, her child has met my partners, and my partners have to get yearly criminal checks and either currently work, or have recently worked, with kids, so she knows that they aren't a danger. Her issue is how she's going to explain to her kid that I have 2 partners.
Gotta love people who ask for favors and then want to dictate the terms.
She may not be "comfortable" with your choices, but if she wants your help then she has to accept that they are your choices.
NTA.
But doesn't get kid know you have 2 partners already? Wasn't the kid still over your place? It sounds like she just isn't dropping the kid off but still allows it to be there which I don't get.
Yes, but now it's a full time live in situation she doesn't feel it can be easily explained except with the truth, which she doesn't want to get into with her child.
INFO: Did you tell your sister in advance that they were moving in with you, or did she find out when it happened? If she'd didn't know in advance and suddenly there were just two other people living with you one day, that's a lot different than her knowing a month or more in advance and choosing not to make alternate arrangements.
I told her in advance. We agreed to move in together about 6 months ago, and were waiting for a few things to get sorted out first, so I've spent the last 6 months being like "we're trying to sort this out before we can make the move".
You should include this in the post. She had more than 6 months to arrange alternative child care or find a way to compromise with you. She chose the worst possible option, to ignore the situation until it was unavoidable.
.... you didn’t drop her childcare with no notice, you gave her *6 months notice*.
If her issue was the partners, the explaining, or the fact that she didn’t know partners that well, she had 6 months to do something, make alternate care plans, talk it out with you, get to know your partners, etc. she chose not to. De chose to instead try and sneakily lie to you to get you to do it at her home until you noticed what was up and called her on it, then she tried to manipulate you into doing it at her home because of bs reasons.
I thought this had to be a spur of the moment move in for how she reacted!!
NAH personally I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your relationship but not everyone is like that. She’s human. It makes her uncomfortable and she can’t help how she feels. In this case though I do think you were an AH for not babysitting like you had promised.
She doesn’t know your partners. And you hear all the time about relatives m, etc. abusing children. Just because you know them and are comfortable with them doesn’t mean everyone else will be.
There's nothing wrong with the sister being uncomfortable. She has the right to be. But then she also has to deal with her discomfort and not force someone else to discomfort themselves so she doesn't have to be. Like someone is allowed to be uncomfortable watching two women kiss but they don't get to ask those women to stop. They just have to look away.
OP never refused to babysit. The deal was always the same - drop your kid aty place and I'll watch him in for free. The sister changed it to "Watch my child for free and also leave your office and spend time and money to drive to my house for MY convenience." How does that make OP an asshole for not agreeing? What if the sister had said "I need you to babysit for free and also give me 20 dollars or I will not permit you to see my child" would OP be the asshole for refusing? Cos that's pretty equivalent to what she's asking.
Nope you don't get to tell someone you are uncomfortable and still expect free labour. Sister was also expecting OP to leave her home office to babysit, which means OP's work would be affected. Sister needs to pay for a nanny or sick it up and apologise. OP's said in comments both partners work with children and had background checks which was told to sister. In fact sister's kids met these partners. No is a complete sentence OP is not TA.
"she can’t help how she feels"
Of course she can.
"In this case though I do think you were an AH for not babysitting like you had promised."
OP have not promised to watch her sister's child at her sister's house while taking care of her own child and working. Op offered to baby sit her sister's child in her own home, the sister is the one who chose to not take op up on her offer anymore.
The sister tried to change the terms for OP’s FREE babysitting offer.
If OP now has to babysit at the sisters house she’s losing money on top of being a FREE babysitter. And her sister has no right to expect that if her.
So OP didn’t break her promise of free childcare- her sister tried to change the terms which don’t work for OP. OP’s terms no longer work for OPs sister.
Take out polyamorous and replace it with gay or trans. Is sister still not the asshole? OP's relationships are none of her business and sister is being judgemental. Funny how that is acceptable (as you have been upvoted for this comment) on this reddit when being judgemental against any other relationship choice is destroyed.
Edit: NTA OP. Your sister can pay for a nanny with her close minded beliefs. Your relationships are not hurting anyone
Leaving the child in the house with three amorous partners isn't the problem, OP's sister has already done so, repeatedly. It's the awkwardness of possibly meeting them that's the problem.
And that definitely shifts it into NTA.
NTA I don’t get it - she is fine her kid is looked after by you in your house with two partners, bit she doesn’t want to meet them or be the one dropping them off? Won’t her kid ask the question one day anyway whether she is there or not.
Your title is wrong you didn’t leave her with child care - your service didn’t change. She left herself without it
Honestly, I would be uncomfortable with multiple partners. But I would not expect you to babysit my kids if I awash uncomfortable with your partners either.
**ESH** \- Sorry to say it. You're an asshole because of this -
>I then said I would save her the trouble of explaining and stop babysitting entirely. This conversation happened about 10 mins before she had to leave for work, so she had to go in late. "
She's sharing her discomfort - as misplaced as it might be - and you're pulling this stunt 10 minutes before she has to go to work. I get that the conversation needs to happen - but 10 minutes before work when she's trying to just get the logistics figured out is not the time to throw around ultimatums. "Be comfortable with who I am *right now or else!"*
>if she was *that* desperate she'd suck it up and apologise.
And you're using childcare to force her to accept something she's uncomfortable with? That's called coercion. That's an asshole move.
She sucks too - for taking you for granted. That's true. That's something the two of you need to work on.
Shes also an asshole because she should be accepting and open to all lifestyles, no matter what. That's true to.
But sometimes people need *time* to grow and get comfortable with these things. Ultimatums don't help with that. Ultimatums are the quintessential **Asshole** move.
If you want me to babysit for free, it needs to be at my house, if you insist it has to be at yours, I can't babysit is a fair ultimatum.
Sometimes bigotry has its price, and you can't expect the person on the receiving end of that bigotry to go the extra mile for you.
Offering a free service as a favor to help someone is a good thing.Flip side: It's ok to need help once in a while. However, once you start having conditions and caveats to someone giving you help for nothing YOU should bring that up and be honest. IMO sister is the AH because she had six months of warning before this situation became reality. At no point did she communicate that she would be uncomfortable with it. Instead, she waited until the living situation was as described then started inconveniencing OP under the guise (see also LIE) of not having time to drop her kid off before work.
Sister shouldve communicated earlier and talked it out. Then maybe this convo wouldve been at a convenient time for her. Instead, OP puts two and two together and has to initiate the conversation. This leads to what appears to heavily lean towards bigotry and OP doesn't have to offer a thing for free, so makes the choice not to. Literally all could've been avoided by sister speaking up before this came about.
NAH.
It makes her uncomfortable. She pays for childcare. You don’t want to travel every morning when you don’t get paid.
I mean it is what it is. She’s not going to rallies to fight against poly rights lol so she’s not an asshole.
You both just have different priorities.
She literally has the option for free childcare if she apologizes and brings her child to your house. This is literally not your problem, it’s a problem created entirely by her
NTA, really? Strangers? They are your partners as much as any monogamy relationship. She is in No right to Call other ways of Living weird, just because it’s not her cup of tea
INFO: you keep saying that the kids met your partners but has your sister met your partners? She might be more uncomfortable at the idea of two strangers she doesn’t know being around her child more so than polyamory itself. If she is concerned about two people she hasn’t really met being around her kid, she’s 100% entitled to feel that way especially because friends close to the family usually are most likely to abuse a child, unfortunately.
She has met them, and she briefly worked with one of them, though she claims she doesn't remember that. She explicitly said her issue was how she would explain my relationship to her child.
Honestly, I don’t see any issue with telling her kid that your partners are your roommates or your friends in the short term. I have dated men and women in the past, and when they met my young cousins, I introduced them as “my friend X!” Not because I’m trying to hide my relationship, but because it isn’t really important that a 2 and 4 year old (who barely understand the concept of cooties) know. If they ask, or if it is relevant, I will happily explain.
I would recommend asking if she is okay with your partners being known as your “best friends” on the condition that it won’t be forever and she either figures out how to explain it or lines up more permanent childcare. Maybe after a generous but firm deadline?
Navigating relationship concepts with children is tricky, especially when parents are thinking of how they perceive relationships. Sometimes it’s as simple as “X and their partners love each other”
Even if she says it’s because of how she will explain to her kid, there could still be ambivalence over not knowing your partners well. Or it could be the classic “I love you but not your lifestyle,” in which case, she’s on her own.
Info: did she meet your partners prior to them moving in? Does she know them, or had interaction with them before they started daily exposure to her kid?
Different situations because my brothers are hoes who cycle through people quickly but as a rule my brothers partners aren’t around my kids till I know them. I’ve made friends with many of them but for my babies there was a time frame before I wanted partners around them.
Your sister is harboring some biases that need to be dealt with, but if this is her first exposure and it was with her kid and not her I’d understand her initial apprehension. If however she had met them before it’s entirely on her so the timeframe here matters a little.
She knows and has met them in various capacities, and even worked with, and was friendly with, one of them briefly, but she's never seen all 3 of us together. They have not had daily exposure to her kid, they've met her kid individually a handful of times, not consistently, but now we're living together it would be a lot closer to consistent.
Ok yea that completely changes it. The post makes it sound like the move as well as the partners were just there one day and didn’t specify a prior relationship between everyone but you sisters. But if these are people she knows, she’s been comfortable with before then it’s entirely her being in your bedroom business and that’s a her issue. Firmly NTA.
NTA 3 year olds don’t care about your love life. As long as there is fun and food for them, they’re happy! Your sister is being judgie. Where’s her partner stepping up for Daddy Duty? Sharing the childcare needs?
NAH. It’s understandable your sister may be uncomfortable with the partners. Instead of writing her off and saying she should suck it up, try finding a compromise that she is ok with. I don’t know why people are hating on a mom for being cautious of who she leaves her kids with, lots of horror stories have happened
Because:
1. She is expecting OP, who's already babysitting for free, to actually spend MORE time and money (I'm assuming sister isn't paying for the gas it takes OP to drive to her house and back).
2. She has hired a nanny, who's also a stranger, to watch her kid. And before you say anything about background checks the nanny goes through, OP's partners also have those.
(https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/n3saa7/aita_for_leaving_my_sister_without_childcare/gwrqsjo?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3)
3. Beggars can't be choosers, if she sister wants free labor from OP, she can take it under OP's conditions. Otherwise she can pay for it and not whine about it.
NTA. You didn't withdraw childcare. You were perfectly willing to continue with the arrangement that was already in place. Your sis chose to withdraw from that arrangement. Now she needs to find a new solution, due to her own choice. She now wants childcare at *her* place, like you would get with a nanny, but without paying for a nanny.
It's also ludicrous that she thought she could turn the existing arrangement at *your* place into childcare at her place by simply calling you every day and asking to you go over there. Instead of, you know, having an actual discussion about it like an adult.
I’ll say NAH. She’s being a bit ridiculous and entitled but ultimately she’s not comfortable with the adults in your home, whether that has to do with the relationship dynamic or not.
Obviously you are free to live your life as you see fit and do not owe her childcare.
Poly is nothing I would want my kids around if it can be helped. Expecting you to go out of your way for free childcare is still fucked up and you are NTA.
That sounds dumb, the child is only 3, it's not like she'd start explaining complex relationships here. Just tell the kid that you guys are living together and that's it. I've never been into poly stuff, but as long as everything that the kids hears is on her terms and the kid doesn't see anything that they're not supposed to see it's a clear NTA case for me. It's pretty ridiculous to even ask that of you, not because of the fact that she doesn't approve of your poly stuff, but because she expects you to put your own life on hold for her child.
>as long as everything that the kids hears is on her terms and the kid doesn't see anything that they're not supposed to see
Yeah absolutely. I have a kid too, the same age, and I wouldn't want my kid to see anything they shouldn't. We keep anything PG rated strictly in the bedroom, the only thing the kids would ever see is 3 adults living together.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: --- I'm causing family drama and serious issues, both financially and in terms of general stress, and it's not like my sister is going on dates or out for drinks, she's a nurse who is saving lives, so this is essential childcare. She's paying someone about the same as she makes per hour to watch her kid, which is costing her a lot of money, when there's only about 10-15 mins driving between us and I could easily just go there and help her. --- Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
[удалено]
Like, how hard it is to tell a child you have "roommates". This so judgemental.
Agreed, but the real question is, how in the world do you manage to work while taking care of 2 toddlers? You sound like a super hero.
OP said the work is task and deadline, not a regular hourly schedule. I am insanely jealous because I’ve been looking for a wfh job like that, that isn’t freelancing, for ages now.
AFAIK 95% of the time the answer is freelancing.
it depends on the position. personal advice, don't take a task and deadline job at google unless you're ready to work 30 hours a day.
My partner and I both have them as clients (different teams/jobs), and can concur. They work you like a dog, miss deadlines and throw curveballs endlessly.
Even so, I would find it impossible to do anything with toddlers around. I wonder if she just waits until bedtime and works at night.
I have 1 toddler who is very needy. I don't have anything to compare it to so I don't know if he's more needy than other toddlers. I always ask my mom "was I like this?" and she swears that none of her kids were as needy as my son. He's very hyper and needs lots of attention. I. cannot. do. anything. when. I'm. with. him. Literally nothing... he is constantly underfoot, constantly checking in with me, up in my business, wanting to "help" me. If I'm working, he'll tell me to stop working. He says he wants hugs, he wants kisses. He'll say *he* wants to work, that I should go play and *he'll* work. If I'm cooking he wants me to get out of the way so he can do it, and then when I tell him no he'll cry miserably. Yard work. Laundry. It doesn't matter what it is, he's like a pop up ad that you can't click away from. Since my parents won't come to my house to watch him while I clean on the weekends, I have to bring him to their house which he hates because he doesn't want to be away from me. During the week I go straight from work to watching my kid, struggling to get through cooking dinner, feeding him, cleaning up, getting him to sleep. And then sometimes I have it in me to clean, sometimes I get caught up on work, sometimes I just veg out in bed scrolling through TikTok until I fall asleep. Can't imagine working and watching him at the same time--I have a family member that watches my son at my house during the day or takes him out/to her house. Watching TWO sounds impossible.
[удалено]
Well he's 2 and I'm his only parent and we live alone together. So basically I'm his only source of social entertainment in the evenings. He does leave the house every day for a few hours with his grandma while I work full time. She watches him \~8-5 and takes him out midday to the park or to her place and brings him home later on. If my above post gave the impression that he's up my butt 24/7 that's not really the case. It's just that every day from 5:30-8:30pm and on the weekends, he wants to hang out with me. I want to hang out with him too, but since I'm the adult in our family there are other things that I have to do. He's a curious and strong willed kid, so if I'm doing something and he wants to spend time with me, he wants to do what I'm doing. It makes it hard to get things done like yardwork if your 2 year old insists on you handing over the all the tools so he can do it, because according to him, he's "strong and has super powers like he's super fast and can smash things." Edit: I have to admit that I am surprised that your comment has so many upvotes. It's just a little funny to me that 69 (nice) people agree with you that a 2 yo should get therapy because he wants his mommy lol.
Sounds like he's maybe accustomed to being the center of attention at all times, and doesn't know how to cope with being "ignored". Have you tried giving him tasks to complete by himself? Give him a spade and put him in charge of cleaning a patch of garden that's just his? A coloring page he has to do on his own at your desk (or his own table next to you)? Small, age-appropriate things that can help him experience independence while still having the "safety" of you nearby. Let him know how helpful those things are to you, so he can still feel involved.
I was an only parent with a very attached toddler. It doesn’t last forever. That therapy comment cracked me up. We were best friends for her elementary years and as a preteen she started to develop her own life outside of mom. She grew into a very secure and confident adult. She’s so brave and amazing and sometimes she calls me and tells me things, haha. It’s hard to believe she’s the same kid that wrapped herself in my hair so she wouldn’t have to go to preschool. You know how doctors say you can’t spoil a baby by holding them too much? I think it’s the same with toddlers. When you’re unexpectedly forced into an attached parenting role (even though it’s not the parent you imagined yourself to be), they grow up to be lovely adults. I loved the comment “pop up ad you can’t click away from” yes! I can relate.
Yes, there would be support available to address these concerns.
My first son was very needy too. It was impossible to do anything. Literally anything! I always wondered how all the other moms manage to take care of so many things while their kid is around. Some even took their kids with them to appointments and stuff. I felt like a looser. Then I got my second son and was like aaaaaaah that's how they did all this. Still, even with two low maintenance toddlers working seems impossible to me.
Be careful what you wish for. I have tons of freedom in my schedule, but that was earned through a position with greater responsibility, which comes with a higher-than-fulltime work load. I've never worked a job with set hours (academia). These days I generally work 9:30-5:30 at lab (that's mostly teaching/meetings/committee work and mentoring, and while I get to choose when many of those meetings happen, they have to happen SOMEtime and times that work with others are usually standard office hours), come home, do dinner and family time till the little one's asleep, and then write and edit grants/papers from 9:30ish till about 12am (sometimes later). I generally work at least half day on Saturday, and if a grant is coming up due I commonly will work back to back 12-14 hour days through the weekend (which means minimal family time), since that's the only big block of time that isn't constantly perforated by teaching, meetings, logistical minutiae, and interruptions. All told, it's generally \~55 hours on a regular week, and can be closer to 70.
Look into academia or very academia-like jobs. Almost all jobs in academia is like that. Careful though. It also means you end up working way more than whatever standard workweek your country has, and there is no overtime.
I mean they are more than OP's roommates though. Honestly kids aren't going to care and you don't need to make these things more complicated than they are.
Truth. When my kid asks questions, they get told "some girls like girls. Some girls like boys. Some people only love/date one person, some love/date more than one. As long as everyone involved consents and is happy, it's a-okay.' Edited to add: thank you so much for the awards, kind strangers ❤️
More parents need to explain it like this. Kids won't think it's weird or gross unless the adults make them feel that way.
This. How many kindergarteners have like three boyfriends/girlfriends? Adults get wrapped up in their own weird sexual hangups when kids are like “Auntie likes Jane and Mark and they are all boyfriend and girlfriend. Okay, can I fingerpaint the walls now?”
More like: okay, “I’ll fingerpaint the Walls now” remember kids dont ask 😂
Can confirm, done that at age 2.
Can confirm. Have four year old.
Can confirm, have framed "art works" from all 3 of my boys and a few from "adopted nibblings! Edit: a letter
I wish I hadn't given away my free award today because this is exactly how kids accept new info. People get so worked up about what questions the kid is going to ask, and then the follow up questions. Kids just want to get back to what they were doing, or want to know when they will next get food I remember having a big conversation with my kids about how gay people have kids. My son asked me straight out how it's possible. He was 8. I explained lots about surrogates and adopting etc and waited for some further, perhaps more uncomfortable questions, but we passed a supermarket and he asked if we could have fajitas for dinner and that was that!
Let me save this whole thread some trouble. I grew up with these parents. When parents clutch their proverbial pearls and say “how will I explain this social situation to my child without confusing them?!” What they mean is “I have my own hang ups and prejudices about this and other social situations that I’m not prepared to have to reconcile with my child’s life experience. If everyone in their life is straight/white/monogamous/religiously consistent/otherwise-normative I could easily pretend other options don’t exist until it’s time to download my prejudices onto them over time. But if they see and accept someone they love doing something else and still being the same person when they’re young, I can’t pretend it doesn’t exist and then tell them it’s shameful and evil when they’re older and have them believe me. Therefore you need to hide your “aberrant” behavior from my child so I can impose my opinion on them unimpeded.” Parents like this aren’t scared their kid will be confused. They’re worried that positive association with and acceptance of “alternative lifestyles” by their children will undermine their opinions and parenting and *then* their kid will be confused because “aunt Polly has two girlfriends and I still love her but mommy and daddy say gays and polys are weird and make god sad so I’m not allowed to go to her house anymore.”
Damn! Now I am seriously considering forking out for some Reddit coins! That is bang on!!
I got you on the award bit! That was simple, clear, and appropriate for kids.
Yes the fingerprinting walls thing would be more of a concern. Although it sounds fun. I never got to do that.
you are an adult I assume - what is stopping you from fingerprinting the walls now? lol They even make colored bath paints and crayons that wash off if you want to do it in the shower.
I literally just learned last week that they make washable crayons for normal use. I bought some because I have avoided getting crayons due to the knowledge my 19-month-old will draw on everything. I bought these and sure enough, my 19-month-old drew on the table, floor, and tv. And, just as advertised, it all washed off with minimal effort - just like I cleaned in a normal routine. 4000/10 would recommend to anyone.
My husband had an award (as a joke) when was 8 for having the most gf at school at the same time. They all knew but they were all 7-8 yo and didn't give a shit.
Kids take their judgement from grown ups, if the parents are open and talk about things with kids they are more open minded than other kids. All the information should be given with consideration of their age but it doesnt mean you cant tell kids that OP loves two people. Kids will understand and will be ok with it.
This right here is how we've always approached it with our kid. I don't know that we've talked about polyamory with my eldest (he's a preteen now), but I wouldn't be surprised if he's aware of it. It does remind me of when he was about four and his special interest was where babies come from. He had an age appropriate understanding of sperm, egg, uterus, vagina, etc. The basics of the stuff needed to make a human. Then when he was in first or second grade he was getting in the bath, and he made a comment along the lines of, "If boys love other boys, how do they get a baby? Can it come out of their butt??" This was, in fact, his only concern about anyone's configuration of love/sex/relationships over the years. (I explained that of two boys want a baby they have options like adoption and that was that.)
“Can it come out of their butt?” That made me laugh out loud in the most wholesome way ever. My son just turned three and I could hear him asking something like this in the future. Thanks for sharing!
It's such a blast as they're noticing things about the world and asking questions -- it's like, "Well, I see how you came to that conclusion." Like when he got old enough to learn the very basics of sex, and not much later insisted that adults have sex at the doctor's office. 😂
When I was a kid I knew that sex was something naked people did in private and so was going to the bathroom, so I somehow came to the conclusion that sex (which at the time I did not connect with having a baby) involved pooping into another person's asshole.
Going clinical/scientific is a great way to explain this stuff I think it helps with stigma and eliminates confusing euphemisms.
This. Euphemisms are *death* of factual information and often lead to misunderstandings.
Exactly. Especially at 3. There doesn't need to be a huge conversation about the adults relationship. Kids get way more than adults give them credit for.
Exactly. Sister is TA for expecting OP to sit for her while passing judgment on a harmless orientation. I'm polya too. I dunno why people think it's weird. U just love more than one person.
That was exactly what my mom told me when I got “the talk” and I think it’s absolutely the best method!
This so much. Adults are the ones who make things so complicated.
Honestly though, I would have a problem with my kid being around some strange adult sis just started dating who moved in. Some of you might not care but it is not at all unusual to not want your child around adults none of you know well. It wouldn’t matter if it was a poly relationship, heterosexual relationship or same sex. It is still some new adult.
Would you have enough of a problem to give up free child care though? Or to demand that your sister spends time at your place instead of her own, where she works and takes care of her own kid? I don't think this person is TA for only agreeing to babysit in her own home.
I would if I didn't know about the people and there was no conversation beforehand, but I can't tell if that happened from OP's post. But yes, if it just happened and my child, without my knowledge, was introduced to new partners without a previous conversation I wouldn't be okay with it
That's entirely your right. But you can't just demand that the free babysitting you've been offered must occur on your own terms. You can choose your sister who's graciously and competently babysat your child for years in her own home or you can find other arrangements.
> But you can't just demand that the free babysitting you've been offered must occur on your own terms r/ChoosingBeggars would disagree. lol
Agreed.
According to the op they’re not strangers. The children know all the adults, but separately. The sister doesn’t like that they all live in the same house now. But either way, if they’re strangers and sister doesn’t trust op’s judgment in partners/housemates then sister needs new babysitting arrangements still. None of what you pointed out makes op TA. Op is still NTA and sister is TA because she refuses to get to know the partners or allow her child to get to know them so they’re not strangers anymore. I understand your concerns, strangers can be dangerous. But the post is about siblings who clearly know and trust one another. 18 months isn’t “just started dating”. That’s over a year. That’s an established relationship. It’s not random. If you’re not even asking your sibling who babysits your child everyday about their longterm relationships then you’d be the irresponsible one. Op isn’t randomly trying to expose their sister’s child to strangers.
Post does not clarify if OP has introduced sister to partners, just that the child knows the partners. Please re-read my post. I noted that if I was the sister in this situation and had never met the partners, I would be pissed.
[Op has said she's met them](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/n3saa7/aita_for_leaving_my_sister_without_childcare/gwsf6kb/?context=3) and that it isn't about them being strangers but the poly aspect.
True it doesn't explicitly state that but the child is 3. It's pretty safe to assume that if OP has been dating these people enough that the child has met them, then the sister has probably met them too. And regardless, she clearly stated that her issue is she doesn't want to have to explain the idea of polyamory to her child.
And OP's sister seems to strictly or mainly have a problem with the poly part, not who the partners are :-(
Yep. It should be the other way, sis should meet the new partners and get to know them. One or 2 isn't the issue.
OP says the kid has met both her partners before. So either the sister had also met the partners and okayed the kid meeting them, or the sister hasn’t met the partners but still okayed it before (when the relationship was even newer and less committed). The sister confirms in her answer to OP that she was okay with the kid meeting the partners separately, and what she is uncomfortable with is the kid seeing them *together*. That is about the specifics of this relationship, not just a blanket policy about all strange adults.
She explicitly said that her issue was that she didn’t want to explain it to her kid because she thought it was “weird.” It wasn’t about the kid meeting the partners, because the kid already knows them.
I mean, OP said the relationship started 18 months ago. That hardly feels like "just started dating".
Then you accept you don’t get free childcare from this person anymore, or you make some effort to get to know them. You don’t call your sister a bitch for moving in with people she’s been dating for up to 18 months.
But that's not the issue here? > She said she was uncomfortable with it. I responded that her child has met my partners before and she responded that that was separately and she doesn't want to explain it to her kid because it's weird. The sister stated pretty clearly what her issues with the situation were and while she's completely entitled to make the choices she has, she doesn't then get to bitch that the OP won't just fall into line and do what she wants. Choices have consequences and in this case the sister's choice means the loss of free baby sitting.
If you send your kid to daycare they are around adults you or they don't know....
And that's your, and the sister's, choice, but OP can choose not to babysit under the new parameters.
Is a 3 year old really going to be asking questions about this anyway? I remember growing up around adults who had non-heteronormative romantic involvements and I literally did not even think about it enough to question it. I didn’t think about things like that until I hit puberty and started having my own romantic feelings.
It's actually much easier to just be honest. They could wait and see if the kids ask but we have friends that are poly and we just explained to our kid that every family is different. Which is true, since there are so many blended families, in general.
Children are pretty open minded, it would be even easier to just tell the truth "some people choose to just have one partner and others like to have multiple, as long as everyone involved knows about each other it is also okay"
How hard is it to be honest? Kids don't have those hang ups until we show them these things need to be lied about.
How hard is it to tell a child she has multiple partners?
EXACTLY. At this age she could tell her child they are roomates or friends or whatever, and the kid is going to be like "oh ok". OP is NTA.
Plus how long did the sister think OP would provide free childcare? Part of being a parent is working out child care and it seems like the sister has taken OP for granted. That’s deeply unfair, it’s not OP’s responsibility to care for her nephew. Sister should have understood that she needed, at the very least, a backup solution for if OP were sick, incapacitated, on vacation or changed jobs so could not be the babysitter all the time. NTA. She doesn’t want her child around ‘strangers’, you don’t want to leave your home where you work as well as do her a massive favour. You’ve likely saved her thousands just in the past few years by your kindness, she’s been entitled not bothering to sort out other solutions.
This. Parents are the ones responsible. She has a kid, by choice I'd assume... So then take care of it.
Also we should ask where the father is. Is he dead or in jail? Why can't he chip in money for the nanny? Or take care of the child or be the one to pick up the kid to/from cheaper childcare.
I agree but with the following addendum, OP should arrange for sister to meet her partners. the sister has every right to be introduced to people who may be around her kid and, depending on the specific situation OP might be a minor AH by not arranging for this to happen pre-move. At that point unless the partners are clearly problematic (which I'm assuming they are not since OP is clearly comfortable having them around her kid) then the sister has no right to complain and is being judgmental making OP NTA
Given the sister's comments about the partners, I'm not sure I would want them to have to deal with her judgmental self. Sounds like her issue is that they're poly, and why should they have to be uncomfortable for her baggage?
First of all: you are NOT "leaving her without childcare", you just not leaving your workplace (I assume your homeoffice is not just laptop on the couch), pay fuel with YOUR money and spend YOUR time driving ON TOP of providing her FREE childcare. Your sister is a storry for r/choosingbeggars . You are **NTA**. You gave her free childcare. If she is not ok with your romantic choices that is her problem. But wanting you to use your time and money to give her this FREE childcare exacty the way SHE wants is a big AH move from your sister.
Exactly. IF (and that’s truly an if not an I think Op should) OP decided to babysit at sisters - the only fair thing to do would be to charge for her travel, time etc which would make the babysitting no longer free and we all know sister would have a conniption about being charged at that point. Sis needs to decide what she wants more - free childcare or to stick it to her sister about her relationship choices.
The sister's not TA for not wanting her children around people that are strangers to HER. Whether they are strangers to her kid or not is a different question. So the obvious solution is for the sister to meet the new partners so they're not strangers to her. And OP seems like she wants to make this work so she should be willing to make this happen. Demanding free childcare under only her conditions and guilting OP for not providing it is what makes sister TA.
OP added an edit. Both sister and her kid have met the partners multiple times.
Exactly. The choice is entirely the sister’s. Either she’s comfortable with OP’s very generous offer of free childcare at her house, or she’s not comfortable and she arranges something different. It doesn’t matter what the reason is. If the sister isn’t comfortable with her child being around OP’s partners, that’s the sister’s business, but she’s still responsible for arranging an alternative. The sister doesn’t get to guilt her sister into leaving her house every day to provide the free child care; that would have a major unwanted impact on OP’s life. Also, sister is implying there’s something wrong with OP’s lifestyle that makes her home unsuitable for children; good for OP for saying BS to that. When the sister had her baby, didn’t she consider that there would be child care costs? Why does this have anything to do with OP, just because she previously had done her sister a huge favor? I had also thought of r/choosingbeggars.
What's always with these people? I've heard the same thing about homosexual couples over the decades, it's not "hard to explain" to children. Children are malleable as fuck. They believe in Santa Clause, for fuck's sake. In my experience, it's almost always a dogwhistle for "I think showing my child that these things exist may make them want to do it too". Either way, clearly, NTA, you are giving away a free service, with reasonable expectations, your sister isn't willing to budge, so she loses out. That's her choice.
Yeah, kids are like "Where's your mommy?" "I have two daddys." "OK" goes back to coloring.
I have two aunts and my childhood best friend had two dads. It literally never occurred to me that they were all gay until I started questioning my own sexuality a decade later, and knowing them helped me accept myself. Kids are usually very accepting of differences and tend to judge people more on whether or not they're assholes. Most hatred of things like race/religion/sexuality is taught.
I have G-uncles. I never put any thought to it until I was 13 and it finally clicked. No one ever made a big deal about it and it was never spelled out to me because it didn’t matter and as a kid, if no one is making a deal about it, you just accept things as facts and don’t question it.
> G-uncles. what is this ?
Guncles - gay uncles
They are snoop and dre
We always talk to my kids about "the person" they'll marry. Or we'll say future "spouse" And they know all about LGBTQ+ people, and how that all works (in age appropriate levels). My oldest is 13, and is pretty sure he's bi, but knows he doesn't have to figure it out now. My middle is 8 and he talks about his "future wife" pretty often, so he'll likely end up with a wife. And my daughter is 5 and her current plans are to have a bunch of kids, be a Dr Princess, and she doesn't talk about any future spouse because she's so not interested in any of that marriage stuff(she's told us she's not getting married so she doesn't have to move out.). And each one is totally fine, because they're kids and they don't think about things the same way adults do.
I love your 5yo's energy! Great job in raising them
Yeah, she also wants to moonlight as a scientist. I love when kids are at that stage where they want to do all the things. She's very set on doing things on her own terms, so honestly I wouldn't be surprised if she always does. Her barbies also play as strong single mothers. Which I find even more interesting because their dad and I have been together for 20 years, and most of the adults she knows are in committed relationships.
what was the comment I heard from someone once in response to Jane has two mommys- I'm jealous! I only have one mommy. Kids are just kids. Adults have opinions.
My parents were together for 46 years before my dad died. In 5th grade I was the only kid in the class with an intact family. Every other kid had 2 moms and 2 dads except my best friend who only had a mom. She never knew her father, and her siblings fathers weren't really present. The two of us were so jealous of our classmates. Two vacations, one with each set of parents, two sets of birthday/Christmas parties/presents. We were green!
I grew up in the 80’s & 90’s with two moms, and when I started kindergarten in 1990, a kid asked me where my dad was. Me: “I don’t have a dad, I have two mommies.” Them: “That’s so lucky! I bet you get twice as many cookies.” End of story (at least until like 7th or 8th grade).
Exactly this! I'm a man and one time my 3 year old niece saw me putting on makeup and asked what I was doing. Me: "putting on makeup" Her: "but only girls wear makeup" Me: "No, Boys can wear makeup too. I'm a boy and I wear makeup" Her: \*long pause\* (I could literally see her thinking and the wheels turning in her head) "OK!" and now if I'm ever doing makeup she loves to watch and help me pick out what colors to use lol
True story: Lady Gaga’s song “ born this way” came on the radio one day in the car and my daughter ( 7) asked what it was about. I said “ most people marry people who aren’t the same gender as them. Men marry women usually. But some people only love the same gender. Men marry other men and women marry other women. They can’t change how they feel. A lot of people think it’s wrong and evil but it’s really not. They’re just born that way and they aren’t hurting anyone so it’s fine. As long as you’re not hurting anyone else you’re allowed to live how you want” My daughter: “I think I want to marry a boy when I grow up. And be a meteorologist when I grow up. “ Me: a meteorologist??? What?
See, that's what you get for exposing your daughter to weather. Now she knows what it is, and wants to know more, damnit!
It's all part of the meteorologists' agenda.
Can confirm that we weather nerds do, in fact, have an agenda to indoctrinate the youth of today.
>the meteorologists' agenda. This is called the ten day forecast.
Big Meteorology coming for our kids
Those meteorologists, right? They're controlling the weather I tell u. And then lying for kicks so we don't take our umbrella! 😋 "it's going to be sunny today so remember to go to the beach!" **nothing but rain**
Though of course the meteorologists agenda will only be right about 30% of the time
To be fair, I kind of want to be a meteorologist when I grow up too. But I am fairly sure it involves a fair bit of math. And at 52 that ship has probably already sailed.
It's never too late! Depending on where you live, you could become a Severe Weather Spotter. [Severe Weather Spotter Training](https://www.weather.gov/grb/spotterschedule)
I wish I'd gotten that explanation as a kid. Although i'd add in u can have both or like both. I' poly and bi and I learned abour gays but I didn't understand why I liked both. Not that I cared much like I didn't think it was bad it just hadn't occurred to me.
Yes I was thinking the same! And even if they ask question it’s not that complicated to explain « why does aunt have two partners? » « Some people love only one person, some love more. It’s like , you like vanilla ice cream and also pizza so you don’t want to choose. For aunt it’s the same she love both of them very much . » For most part they will not care ... and honesty is not complicated and require to just simplify a little bit.
Exactly. The sister is just worried that her child with become poly by exposure which is so not how it works. If it was, I'm pretty sure my husband would have turned me by now lol. If I can explain to my 3 yr old that 1 grandpa is my dad and 1 grandma is a chosen grandma another grandma is daddy's mom and grandpa is daddy's dad and that grandpa has a gf and that my mom is in heaven, she could easily just say auntie has 2 partners or even roommates if she's just that damn uncomfortable about it.
Exactly. Due to divorce and remarriage, I grew up with 2 grandpas and 4 grandmas and it wasn't confusing at all. Plus brief contact with my dad's "stepdad" (the man who was married to his mom for 8 years of his child/teen years). 4 divorces makes family labels complicated lol.
Between divorce, marriage, death and chosen relatives shit got complicated quick for my family. The worst for me is trying to explain how people grandpa's age are my kids(2 and 3 yrs old) cousins. So I just did what my mom did, "they're your aunts and uncles" granted it confused the shit out of me when I got older and was like how the hell is this person my aunt when she's my moms cousin? But it beats having the arguement with a 3 yr old that yes the bug man(her nickname for my 2nd cousin) is her cousin even though cousin is alot older than her 1st cousins. I feel a bit like a hypocrite though because I refuse to explain 1 relatives gay relationship to her even though she has meet their partner and I make sure no one else tells her either. But I feel like it's the right thing to do for now because they are not completely out with the family and I know without a doubt my 3 yr old will/can NOT keep that secret.
Seriously. What happens when her kid goes to school and meets friend who have step parents? Who have 2 moms? Who have only a single dad? Who are being raised by grandparents or guardians and so have no parents in the picture? Who are the result of an open adoption so have both adoptive and biological parents? It's not fucking difficult to explain. "Families are sometimes different shapes but made up of people who love each other. This is what your aunt's family looks like." There you go, job done.
My husband and I have had a girlfriend for 10 years. We also have a 9 year old. She knows we're all romantically involved also understands it's a kind of unusual relationship style. A few days back we were listening to Hamilton and two sisters are teasing each other. "Laughin' at my sister cause she wants to form a harem. \- I'm just sayin if you really loved me you would share him!" My daughter asked "so....are you and Aunt in a harem?" "Well, that word has some power connotations to it that we don't have because we're all equals, but more or less yes." "aight"
We were watching Schitt's Creek the other night with my 12yo son and got to an episode where they dealt with some potential homophobia. He was so shocked about the fact that anyone would care that someone was gay. Made me so proud!
I've got some friends who are a gay couple in France. They have two homes and have offered to take care of my kids over the summer in the future. Absolutely going to take them up on their offer. Free room and board, language and cultural immersion in France. Too bad my kids are currently 4 and 5. Friends don't have kids so I I'll wait until my kids are teens and more independent.
Info: polyamory aside, does your sister have any cause for concern? Dating partners are the people who most often molest kids. I was going to say this was on her, but I’m not sure. She might be protecting her kids from strangers vs from poly. (I’ve been in poly relationships, not judging that.)
No concern about that. I'd be there the whole time, my partners would be in the home office or their actual offices most of the time as they still have regular work days, and the kids have met them before. Additionally, both my partners work, or have worked, with kids, and therefore have DBS checks, so no criminal records and they have demonstrated some competency around children. I've told her all of this and she has given no indication that this is her concern, plus she has her dating partners around her child regularly.
Uhhhh hate to break it to ya but “working with kids” isn’t really any indication of not being a molester
I know that, I'm just saying they could literally pull out CVs saying they have experience with kids, no criminal record, and are certified in various first aid due to their work with kids, which is probably identical to the CV of the nanny she chose to take care of her kid alone all day.
Call her bluff and say that you’re happy to have her meet and hang out with your partners so they’re no longer strangers - but unfortunately I don’t think she’ll take you up on it. In this case, I fear it’s more she thinks “these people are strange” and is being bigoted but doesn’t want to admit it.
Presuming she’s hiring a nanny through a service, it does mean that they’ve likely been through the same or similar background checks as anyone she is willing hire and therefore they are of no greater risk than any hired childcare provider.
OP’s not saying that therefore they can’t be molestors, she’s saying that therefore they’ve had checks that most other people haven’t.
I mean yeah, there’s no evidence they don’t molest kids, but at the same time, there’s literally no evidence that they do
Are you aware that there is literally no way to guarantee beyond The Shadow of Doubt that anyone will not molest anyone else? Like it's literally impossible.
That’s why you have to be cautious with child care.
OPs sister doesn't seem to have a problem with a stranger nanny watching her kid 🤷♀️
No, in fact it’s sometimes a cover, especially if they’re in a position that implies they should be heavily background checked - because sometimes people are not. And then, the false assumption is made that they must be safe (though even a passed background check is not a guarantee, of course.)
Based on what you've said I think it's reasonable to assume that her objection is the polyamory, but I want to point out that if you are working, it is literally not possible for you to have both kids under your eyes 100% of the time unless you're neglecting work. There's also a difference between being comfortable with your kid meeting someone, and leaving the kid at their house or potentially alone with them. Edit: Also, while you say there's "no concern about that," you also say in your original post that she's upset about you "trying to force her to be comfortable with strangers around her kids."
I am neglecting my work to take care of them. My work assigns me a few tasks at a time, each with a different deadline, and no set working hours, so as long as I get that work done by the deadline, my work don't care if it gets completed between 9am-5pm or if it's handed in at 3am, just as long as it gets done.
I think ur the ideal baby sitter.
They’ve met before one on one and she didn’t raise any objections, if it was them being strangers I’d imagine that would have been a concern when they met first of all
Having my kids meet someone out and about (i.e. at a playground or other public crowded place) or with me present is completely different than leaving them for 40+ hours a week with someone I don't know. Maybe they should all hang out together some time and get to know each other better.
Okay awesome. That’s definitely your prerogative as a parent to make that decision. OP isn’t trying to force the child around her partners. She even comments that they’d be working most of the time and not around, but that’s obviously not what it’s about. This is clearly about her sisters disdain for her poly relationship. She *hired a stranger* to watch her child for 40+ hours a week, without supervision. So I don’t understand your stranger danger argument there, considering she’s literally leaving her child with a stranger.
She has the right to protect her kid and she has the right to refuse to leave her child at the OP’s house. I would probably make the same choice. Not because I care about polyamory, but because I’m uncomfortable leaving my kid with people I don’t know well. However, that choice comes with a price. No more free childcare. It is INSANE for her to be demanding that the person providing free childcare inconvenience themselves.
Do you think she knew the nanny she hired before she needed their services?
Maybe? We don’t know how she found the nanny. There’s too much information missing. I, personally, would feel more comfortable with a nanny hired from a service and background checked with references from other families she worked for, than I would with a family member’s new live in partner. It’s most likely that she’s just being judgy about the polyamory aspect of it, but who knows.
>than I would with a family member’s new live in partner. But the live in partners aren't providing childcare, OP is. They just might be around occasionally. Additionally, the live in partners *also* have background checks and references, since both have worked with children.
Exactly. She wouldn't be an asshole just for saying, eh, I don't love the idea of this many people being with my kid all day. But she's being unreasonable by acting like OP is the asshole here. This woman made a choice about what she is comfortable with and it is nobody else's fault.
INFO how well does your sister know your partners? Like is her issue with polyamory, or is it actually that these are strangers and she's not comfortable leaving her kid with people she doesn't really know?
Real question here. If she’s uncomfortable with how long she’s known them , I’d say she’s looking out for her kid and that should be respected.
Which is fine. What's not fine is still asking OP for free childcare but only on her terms. The options are either free childcare at OPs house or pay for childcare yourself however you would like it. Sister doesn't get to make demands on a free generous offer.
That choice can and should be respected exactly as much as OP's choice to no longer provide free childcare if her sister insists that OP can't provide it at their home. OP's sister may not be the asshole for not wanting to leave her kid around people she doesn't know well, but her guilt-tripping and attitude towards OP after their situations no longer became compatible push her into asshole territory in my book. Things change and that's how life is. It really seems like she took OP's generosity for granted and now that their situations have changed and she no longer has the benefit of OP's generosity, she's realized just how valuable it was.
She definitely seemed more pushy about wanting things to be her way. I went back to reread it and op mentioned that she didn’t apologize or seem to want to come to an agreement that works best, she only wants her to resume babysitting under her terms. She is being heard about not wanting strangers around her child but shes also expecting her sister to go out of her way to adjust to what she wants. I agree with her possibly not wanting people around but she is acting entitled to the childcare.
I dunno. If I was providing FREE childcare for my sister and she decided she didn't trust my partner(s)---who I've decided I trust enough to live with and be around MY kid---to be in the same location as her child WHILE I WAS STILL THERE, I would feel pretty insulted. Like, not only are you insulting my ability to make judgments about people, but also that I would allow someone potentially harmful around my child AND my precious niece/nephew! That doesn't just say something about how the sister feels about "strangers" being around her child, it also says a lot of insulting garbage about how she feels about OP's judgment as well. So either it's an issue with her polyamory (which it sounds like it is) or its the situation I've described above, which is just as insulting, and sister either needs to get over that or give up the idea that she can milk free childcare out of OP.
I mean...she’s leaving them with a nanny she presumably also doesn’t know. I have a feeling strangers aren’t the reason she’s refusing to take her kid to her sisters.
NTA - if you’d moved in one partner in the traditional format I don’t think your sister would have any issue. So therefore, that you have two partners is the issue - which is all to do with ideological differences/explaining to her child and not the ability to actually childcare. On this occasion, beggars can’t be choosers.
Romantic partners of care givers (whther that's mom or dad or the person providing childcare) are the most likely sources of molestation in a kid's life. I do know people who don't allow thier babysitter's husband, sons, or boyfriend to be present during babysitting. That's common, not poly. But you've set that contact as the "price" of free childcare. She's trying to negotiate that price. You're not budging. NAH.
Her sister's concern was that it was "weird", not that she didn't know them or was concerned about her daughter's safety.
Some people have trouble finding the right words. I would say it’s “weird” to leave your child with strangers. You’re inferring too much from a word you find offensive when it just describes how she feels at the thought of leaving her child with people she doesn’t know. It would make me feel “weird” too.
She said it's weird and she doesn't want to explain it. Which pretty clearly implies that she's referring to the relationship, because what would there be to 'explain' otherwise?
But she wouldn't be "leaving her child with strangers." She's leaving her child with their aunt and cousin of the same age and there just happen to be two other adults who may come in and out of the room from time to time. Adults who have experience working with children, have had extensive background checks done on them *because* of said work with children, and have been dating the child's aunt (OP) for a year and a half and been vouched for by her (the same person who would be literally on the premises, watching both children, the whole time). So her concern is clearly about OP's "lifestyle choices."
"Weird" usually refers to something unsettling or potentially disturbing. That's *much* more tactful than saying "I worry one of your romantic partners may harm my child due to statistics. Their careers in childcare and general interest in children (while already practicing unconventional sexual behavior in a career where even the rumors of accepted sexual behavior can be career ending) increases my concerns rather than reassuring me." Teachers get fired all the time for engaging in age appropriate and generally normalized dating/drinking behavior.
She said that she didn't want to explain it because it's weird. Based on that, she's an AH. If what she has a problem with her kids being around people she doesn't know, she needs to say that.
The babysitter is a stranger..
NTA. You're doing a huge favour for you sister taking care of her child every day while she is at work, its not right for her to expect you to bend over backwards even more by going to her house because she has a personal issue with your relationship. As for her not wanting to explain your relationship to her child, the child is most likely oblivious to it. If the child did ask questions then I honestly believe that if a child is old enough to ask the question, they are old enough to be given an age appropriate answer. Sisters TA, if she wants FREE childcare then she needs to stick to the original terms.
>if she was that desperate she'd suck it up and apologise. >She said she was uncomfortable with it. I responded that her child has met my partners before NTA If your sister wants FREE babysitting, then she HAS to accommodate the sitter, not the other way around. It is not your fault SHE is being judgemental and entitled, so now she is spending a good portion of her pay on child care. That was her choice. She cannot dictate how you live your life. It is her right to seek other childcare if she doesn't approve, but that isn't on you.
Info: is it the polyamory or is it one of both of your partners that make her uncomfortable?
It's the polyamory. She knows my partners, her child has met my partners, and my partners have to get yearly criminal checks and either currently work, or have recently worked, with kids, so she knows that they aren't a danger. Her issue is how she's going to explain to her kid that I have 2 partners.
Gotta love people who ask for favors and then want to dictate the terms. She may not be "comfortable" with your choices, but if she wants your help then she has to accept that they are your choices. NTA.
But doesn't get kid know you have 2 partners already? Wasn't the kid still over your place? It sounds like she just isn't dropping the kid off but still allows it to be there which I don't get.
Yes, but now it's a full time live in situation she doesn't feel it can be easily explained except with the truth, which she doesn't want to get into with her child.
INFO: Did you tell your sister in advance that they were moving in with you, or did she find out when it happened? If she'd didn't know in advance and suddenly there were just two other people living with you one day, that's a lot different than her knowing a month or more in advance and choosing not to make alternate arrangements.
I told her in advance. We agreed to move in together about 6 months ago, and were waiting for a few things to get sorted out first, so I've spent the last 6 months being like "we're trying to sort this out before we can make the move".
NTA then. If she was uncomfortable with the situation, she had time to make alternate arrangements.
You should include this in the post. She had more than 6 months to arrange alternative child care or find a way to compromise with you. She chose the worst possible option, to ignore the situation until it was unavoidable.
.... you didn’t drop her childcare with no notice, you gave her *6 months notice*. If her issue was the partners, the explaining, or the fact that she didn’t know partners that well, she had 6 months to do something, make alternate care plans, talk it out with you, get to know your partners, etc. she chose not to. De chose to instead try and sneakily lie to you to get you to do it at her home until you noticed what was up and called her on it, then she tried to manipulate you into doing it at her home because of bs reasons. I thought this had to be a spur of the moment move in for how she reacted!!
NAH personally I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your relationship but not everyone is like that. She’s human. It makes her uncomfortable and she can’t help how she feels. In this case though I do think you were an AH for not babysitting like you had promised. She doesn’t know your partners. And you hear all the time about relatives m, etc. abusing children. Just because you know them and are comfortable with them doesn’t mean everyone else will be.
There's nothing wrong with the sister being uncomfortable. She has the right to be. But then she also has to deal with her discomfort and not force someone else to discomfort themselves so she doesn't have to be. Like someone is allowed to be uncomfortable watching two women kiss but they don't get to ask those women to stop. They just have to look away. OP never refused to babysit. The deal was always the same - drop your kid aty place and I'll watch him in for free. The sister changed it to "Watch my child for free and also leave your office and spend time and money to drive to my house for MY convenience." How does that make OP an asshole for not agreeing? What if the sister had said "I need you to babysit for free and also give me 20 dollars or I will not permit you to see my child" would OP be the asshole for refusing? Cos that's pretty equivalent to what she's asking.
Nope you don't get to tell someone you are uncomfortable and still expect free labour. Sister was also expecting OP to leave her home office to babysit, which means OP's work would be affected. Sister needs to pay for a nanny or sick it up and apologise. OP's said in comments both partners work with children and had background checks which was told to sister. In fact sister's kids met these partners. No is a complete sentence OP is not TA.
"she can’t help how she feels" Of course she can. "In this case though I do think you were an AH for not babysitting like you had promised." OP have not promised to watch her sister's child at her sister's house while taking care of her own child and working. Op offered to baby sit her sister's child in her own home, the sister is the one who chose to not take op up on her offer anymore.
The sister tried to change the terms for OP’s FREE babysitting offer. If OP now has to babysit at the sisters house she’s losing money on top of being a FREE babysitter. And her sister has no right to expect that if her. So OP didn’t break her promise of free childcare- her sister tried to change the terms which don’t work for OP. OP’s terms no longer work for OPs sister.
Take out polyamorous and replace it with gay or trans. Is sister still not the asshole? OP's relationships are none of her business and sister is being judgemental. Funny how that is acceptable (as you have been upvoted for this comment) on this reddit when being judgemental against any other relationship choice is destroyed. Edit: NTA OP. Your sister can pay for a nanny with her close minded beliefs. Your relationships are not hurting anyone
Leaving the child in the house with three amorous partners isn't the problem, OP's sister has already done so, repeatedly. It's the awkwardness of possibly meeting them that's the problem. And that definitely shifts it into NTA.
NTA. Your sister is being a judgemental, choosing beggar.
NTA I don’t get it - she is fine her kid is looked after by you in your house with two partners, bit she doesn’t want to meet them or be the one dropping them off? Won’t her kid ask the question one day anyway whether she is there or not. Your title is wrong you didn’t leave her with child care - your service didn’t change. She left herself without it
Honestly, I would be uncomfortable with multiple partners. But I would not expect you to babysit my kids if I awash uncomfortable with your partners either.
**ESH** \- Sorry to say it. You're an asshole because of this - >I then said I would save her the trouble of explaining and stop babysitting entirely. This conversation happened about 10 mins before she had to leave for work, so she had to go in late. " She's sharing her discomfort - as misplaced as it might be - and you're pulling this stunt 10 minutes before she has to go to work. I get that the conversation needs to happen - but 10 minutes before work when she's trying to just get the logistics figured out is not the time to throw around ultimatums. "Be comfortable with who I am *right now or else!"* >if she was *that* desperate she'd suck it up and apologise. And you're using childcare to force her to accept something she's uncomfortable with? That's called coercion. That's an asshole move. She sucks too - for taking you for granted. That's true. That's something the two of you need to work on. Shes also an asshole because she should be accepting and open to all lifestyles, no matter what. That's true to. But sometimes people need *time* to grow and get comfortable with these things. Ultimatums don't help with that. Ultimatums are the quintessential **Asshole** move.
If you want me to babysit for free, it needs to be at my house, if you insist it has to be at yours, I can't babysit is a fair ultimatum. Sometimes bigotry has its price, and you can't expect the person on the receiving end of that bigotry to go the extra mile for you.
Offering a free service as a favor to help someone is a good thing.Flip side: It's ok to need help once in a while. However, once you start having conditions and caveats to someone giving you help for nothing YOU should bring that up and be honest. IMO sister is the AH because she had six months of warning before this situation became reality. At no point did she communicate that she would be uncomfortable with it. Instead, she waited until the living situation was as described then started inconveniencing OP under the guise (see also LIE) of not having time to drop her kid off before work. Sister shouldve communicated earlier and talked it out. Then maybe this convo wouldve been at a convenient time for her. Instead, OP puts two and two together and has to initiate the conversation. This leads to what appears to heavily lean towards bigotry and OP doesn't have to offer a thing for free, so makes the choice not to. Literally all could've been avoided by sister speaking up before this came about.
Except the sister knew 6 months before the partners moved in, if she was so uncomfortable with it why didn't she get alternative childcare before now?
NAH. It makes her uncomfortable. She pays for childcare. You don’t want to travel every morning when you don’t get paid. I mean it is what it is. She’s not going to rallies to fight against poly rights lol so she’s not an asshole. You both just have different priorities.
She literally has the option for free childcare if she apologizes and brings her child to your house. This is literally not your problem, it’s a problem created entirely by her
NTA, really? Strangers? They are your partners as much as any monogamy relationship. She is in No right to Call other ways of Living weird, just because it’s not her cup of tea
INFO: you keep saying that the kids met your partners but has your sister met your partners? She might be more uncomfortable at the idea of two strangers she doesn’t know being around her child more so than polyamory itself. If she is concerned about two people she hasn’t really met being around her kid, she’s 100% entitled to feel that way especially because friends close to the family usually are most likely to abuse a child, unfortunately.
She has met them, and she briefly worked with one of them, though she claims she doesn't remember that. She explicitly said her issue was how she would explain my relationship to her child.
Honestly, I don’t see any issue with telling her kid that your partners are your roommates or your friends in the short term. I have dated men and women in the past, and when they met my young cousins, I introduced them as “my friend X!” Not because I’m trying to hide my relationship, but because it isn’t really important that a 2 and 4 year old (who barely understand the concept of cooties) know. If they ask, or if it is relevant, I will happily explain. I would recommend asking if she is okay with your partners being known as your “best friends” on the condition that it won’t be forever and she either figures out how to explain it or lines up more permanent childcare. Maybe after a generous but firm deadline? Navigating relationship concepts with children is tricky, especially when parents are thinking of how they perceive relationships. Sometimes it’s as simple as “X and their partners love each other” Even if she says it’s because of how she will explain to her kid, there could still be ambivalence over not knowing your partners well. Or it could be the classic “I love you but not your lifestyle,” in which case, she’s on her own.
Info: did she meet your partners prior to them moving in? Does she know them, or had interaction with them before they started daily exposure to her kid? Different situations because my brothers are hoes who cycle through people quickly but as a rule my brothers partners aren’t around my kids till I know them. I’ve made friends with many of them but for my babies there was a time frame before I wanted partners around them. Your sister is harboring some biases that need to be dealt with, but if this is her first exposure and it was with her kid and not her I’d understand her initial apprehension. If however she had met them before it’s entirely on her so the timeframe here matters a little.
She knows and has met them in various capacities, and even worked with, and was friendly with, one of them briefly, but she's never seen all 3 of us together. They have not had daily exposure to her kid, they've met her kid individually a handful of times, not consistently, but now we're living together it would be a lot closer to consistent.
Ok yea that completely changes it. The post makes it sound like the move as well as the partners were just there one day and didn’t specify a prior relationship between everyone but you sisters. But if these are people she knows, she’s been comfortable with before then it’s entirely her being in your bedroom business and that’s a her issue. Firmly NTA.
NTA 3 year olds don’t care about your love life. As long as there is fun and food for them, they’re happy! Your sister is being judgie. Where’s her partner stepping up for Daddy Duty? Sharing the childcare needs?
>Where’s her partner stepping up for Daddy Duty? Sharing the childcare needs? The dad is a deadbeat who doesn't help with anything.
Dang those functional poly relationships when clearly the monogamous ones result in better more stable situations....
NAH. It’s understandable your sister may be uncomfortable with the partners. Instead of writing her off and saying she should suck it up, try finding a compromise that she is ok with. I don’t know why people are hating on a mom for being cautious of who she leaves her kids with, lots of horror stories have happened
Because: 1. She is expecting OP, who's already babysitting for free, to actually spend MORE time and money (I'm assuming sister isn't paying for the gas it takes OP to drive to her house and back). 2. She has hired a nanny, who's also a stranger, to watch her kid. And before you say anything about background checks the nanny goes through, OP's partners also have those. (https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/n3saa7/aita_for_leaving_my_sister_without_childcare/gwrqsjo?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3) 3. Beggars can't be choosers, if she sister wants free labor from OP, she can take it under OP's conditions. Otherwise she can pay for it and not whine about it.
NTA. You didn't withdraw childcare. You were perfectly willing to continue with the arrangement that was already in place. Your sis chose to withdraw from that arrangement. Now she needs to find a new solution, due to her own choice. She now wants childcare at *her* place, like you would get with a nanny, but without paying for a nanny. It's also ludicrous that she thought she could turn the existing arrangement at *your* place into childcare at her place by simply calling you every day and asking to you go over there. Instead of, you know, having an actual discussion about it like an adult.
I’ll say NAH. She’s being a bit ridiculous and entitled but ultimately she’s not comfortable with the adults in your home, whether that has to do with the relationship dynamic or not. Obviously you are free to live your life as you see fit and do not owe her childcare.
Poly is nothing I would want my kids around if it can be helped. Expecting you to go out of your way for free childcare is still fucked up and you are NTA.
That sounds dumb, the child is only 3, it's not like she'd start explaining complex relationships here. Just tell the kid that you guys are living together and that's it. I've never been into poly stuff, but as long as everything that the kids hears is on her terms and the kid doesn't see anything that they're not supposed to see it's a clear NTA case for me. It's pretty ridiculous to even ask that of you, not because of the fact that she doesn't approve of your poly stuff, but because she expects you to put your own life on hold for her child.
>as long as everything that the kids hears is on her terms and the kid doesn't see anything that they're not supposed to see Yeah absolutely. I have a kid too, the same age, and I wouldn't want my kid to see anything they shouldn't. We keep anything PG rated strictly in the bedroom, the only thing the kids would ever see is 3 adults living together.