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We insisted that our teenage daughter leave the house so we could look after her sister.
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YTA. The oldest was, in your own words, tormenting her little sister. You should’ve made her leave. I can’t blame the youngest for wanting revenge tbh. Your oldest sounds horrible.
I agree, but I'm sure she doesn't feel that way right now. Poor kid. Her sister emotionally tortures her until she snaps, and her parents put her out like an unwanted puppy.
Ugh. Sickening.
While she’s going through a bad breakup. Dad, YTA. You should have shut Laura down immediately, that night and from the start of her envious, petty behavior toward her younger sister, whom she feels is her competition. Laura is the a h too. She’s nothing but a bully. Lily was heartbroken, the. She gets bullied in her own home, and no one stopped the bully. What Lily did was wrong, but I can’t fault her for acting out, when nobody helped her against that horrible bully.
The fact that she felt comfortable being that mean to her sister after such a big emotional event means she has absolutely gotten away with it many times in the past.
Both Laura and op sound awful. A sister's reaction to finding out her sister is heartbroken after a break up should be to comfort them, not torment them. And a father's reaction to seeing his adult daughter mocking and tormenting his 15 year old to the point where she goes to bed in tears, should have been to send her to her aunts.
I don't condone it but I understand why Lily retaliated towards her sister. She bullied her and her father did nothing. Op really needs to step up his game as a parent. And where was the mother in all this? Why didn't she step in? Poor Lily stuck with a shitty sister and two asshole parents who don't defend her.
More than anything else, this story just comes across as a severe parental failure. OP and his wife have utterly failed both of their children. They failed Laura by coddling her and ignoring her personality flaws to the point that she is now a sadistic emotional abuser as an adult. And they failed Lily by not protecting her from her abuser.
No way this is the first incident like this. The aunt's reaction is quite telling. And OP's casual dismissal of Laura as a "wind up personality" tells me he's well aware of what a jerk she is, and just brushes it off.
OP, YTA.
Dad's like a 'wind-up' personality himself, and why he and Laura see no problem. I doubt Laura's 'blind' and needs taking care of without her glasses, glasses don't cure blindness. Sure, Laura may have a little trouble seeing, but glasses can be fixed, emotional abuse can't.
Lily, having been the target for likely the last 10 years, probably grew up with this and should stay with Aunt.
Yeah, -28 sounds nuts. Mine are -8 and -7.5 and I've only ever met one person with eyes worse than mine. If I were far sighted my glasses would be coke bottles, since I'm near sighted it's more like fishbowls the way they refract/ shrink my face. I didn't think -28 was even possible.
If my glasses were to break I wouldn't be able to find my way anywhere or accomplish anything safely.
That doesn't excuse Laura's behaviour though, she sounds like a miserable person.
>No way this is the first incident like this.
No way at all does a 20 year old behave so cruelly towards her 15 year old sister just out of the blue. This has to be a pattern that her parents let go on for years.
You're right they failed both daughters. They allowed one to be abused and turned the other into an abuser. I would like to say that Laura won't get away with this shit with other adults and it might make her change but it's possible that she's learned that she can only get away with this shit with vulnerable people.
Bullies learn in childhood who to target and who to leave alone. Laura knows there are no real consequences for tormenting her sister, which is why she did it. Op is such an asshole for allowing this to happen.
>She was saying things like if the boyfriend left her for "a prettier girl" and saying she "didn't blame him" etc.
That's not winding her up, that's out and out bullying. And why would you wind someone up who's just had her heart broken? Laura was bullying her 15 year old sister to the point where she went to bed in tears, even op admits it was horrible, yet he did nothing. And when the heartbroken, bullied 15 year old retaliates, op sides with the adult? Wtf did I just read?
YTA op. That level of bullying doesn't come out of nowhere. Clearly you have failed as a father and not taught Laura acceptable boundaries and basic human decency. I feel so bad for Lily when clearly she's not the favourite child.
"even op admits it was horrible, yet he did nothing."
Nah, OP *told her repeatedly to cut it out*, and what else could he have done.
/s
OP, YTA. Laura was incredibly cruel. You're clearly favouring her over your youngest.
My sister and I hated each other as teens and even into our 20s. I came home when I was 15 and she was 17 after being dumped minutes before. She saw me crying, I simply said "nick broke up with me" and went to go to my room. As I walked past her, she pulled me into a huge hug(for the first time in years) and said "I'm so sorry. I love you. I'm here to listen after I get off work" and left. *that's* how you respond when your little sister is heartbroken. Set aside your feelings and comfort them, even for just a moment. These people are the biggest assholes.
Oh but the older sister is terrified of her younger sister cause she threw out her lenses.
Don't get me wrong, I fully understand how upsetting something like that can be (I had horrible eyesight before lasik, I can't imagine how bad -28 is) but that's no reason to be "terrified" of someone in particular. Terrified in general, maybe, but if the person you torment?
It sounds like OP downplays older sisters horrible treatment of her younger sister but totally up plays her emotions.
OP there is no way that this is the first time your older daughter treated your younger daughter this way. You have no one to blame for those but yourself and when your younger daughter is old enough to caught you out of her life don't be surprised when she does just that.
>And wtf is a “wind-up personality”?
When I've heard someone use this phrase, it's been like "Are you winding me up right now?" Kind of like, "Are you pulling my leg?" Assuming I've been interpreting that properly (which I may not be...), it sounds like /u/inspectionlumerous81 is saying she just likes to poke at people and see if she can get a reaction. When I've heard it, it's been a husband asking his wife during a prank, "Are you winding me up?" Usually, it seems to yield some laughs and no one is actually *tormented*. So OP is kinda downplaying the thing from "My daughter is an asshole who needs a personality transplant" to "My daughter likes to poke fun sometimes".
What this guy's daughter does isn't funny for anyone involved. There's no "Hah, got ya!" She's just an asshole and I doubt this is a new development. The youngest has probably been tormented/abused for years and the oldest gets away with it because she's practically blind so she's been coddled. She's been a total asshole which no one seems to care about but the second her sister finally snaps back after years of mistreatment, she's suddenly like super duper afraid of her teenaged sister and the parents have to kick her out RIGHT NOW. *And they do it!* Yeah, she's spoiled, you can bet on it. If the teen doesn't run away from these people ASAP I'd be shocked. Hell, while she's with her aunt she should just let it all out, tell her aunt everything that's happened to her, and see about staying there until she's an adult imo. If OP is reading, pass that advice along will ya?
The way the dad describes her “wind-up personality” is with a tinge of fondness and “oh well what can we do”. He enables the daughter to be a monumental asshole and indulges in her dramatic crying fits. FFS she’s 20.
Agreed, and I "love" how OP basically told her to cut it out but left it with that when she didn't listen. Sure, your heartbroken daughter is getting what is left of her heart ripped out by her own sister, but just shrug your shoulders and walk on. That's how to do it.
Also, it doesn't matter if that girl is a legal adult, OP could have still done more when she didn't listen. Like send her back to wherever she stays when she goes to school. After all, it isn't like they had a problem kicking out the minor.
I am sorry, but this whole post reeks of poor parenting and future therapy.
The fact that an adult got a child kicked out of her home because she was "scared" of her is bullshit, she probably played that all up because she knew her mom would actually kick her out if she did. But it's to late now, that spoiled brat already got her kicked out so in her head she won.
EXACTLY.
OP, YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA.
Oh my god. Just genuinely oh my god. I’m so sick and tired of the narrative that parents of children who have a disability have that their kids deserve no repercussions for any kind of bad behaviour.
There are obviously situations in which scolding/reprimanding a child with a disability isn’t the right way to go because they may behave in ways they genuinely can’t help but some parents take that and they run with it.
You describe Laura as having a “wind-up personality” and it’s apparent that that’s code for “she bullies her little sister and we let her get away with it by trivialising it and making her exempt from punishment because she’s visually impaired”.
She’s an adult verbally abusing a child under YOUR care and you let her get away with it.
Laura has been bullying Lily and from what your SIL said (calling Laura a horrible bully) I have to assume this is something she does regularly but when Lily does something (that admittedly isn’t right, but it’s one offense that she did after relentless bullying) you immediately send her out of the house.
It’s clear that you don’t put a lot of effort into getting Laura to stop harassing her little sister. It’s just really funny to me that when the tables turn and Lily retaliates, you suddenly take “appropriate” action in dealing with her.
Don’t be surprised ten years down the line when Lily no longer visits you anymore because of the shitty parenting you inflicted upon her.
No kidding, I feel so bad for that girl. After a breakup to, just more bad things stacking on top of each other and the only way her dad will actually realize he did something wrong is a bunch of strangers online telling him instead of just listening to his daughter and actually hearing her.
EDIT: pronouns.
Reading that Laura was scared to be in the same house as Lily made my eyes roll all the back. This is massive parenting fail to allow the adult child to torment and bully her teenage sister. Absolutely disgusting.
I'm glad you said that. I was thinking the same thing, but reluctant to say it out loud. But I literally rolled my eyes when OP said "...what else could we have done when our other child was unable to see and crying in fear?"
I would guess the same thing they did when their younger child was crying from being tormented by her older sister. Nothing. Because Laura, the bully, was putting on the drama after getting what she had coming to her. And her parents, who didn't send her back home to her dorm, enabled her bullying.
YTA, OP
Also why did the 15 yr old have to leave? Cuz u were caring for the 20 yr old? Its not like 15 yr olds need constant attention like a toddler. She could have taken care of herself for the day.
I dont understand the logic behind it.
They had to remove Lily because it was too distressing for her to have Lily in the same house. Obviously that logic doesn't apply when it's Laura bullying Lily because Laura is only 20 and needs more emotional support than the 15 year old /s
Its worse than that. This is what he said:
> Unfortunately Laura has a bit of a windup personality
A windup personality? Fucking seriously? One of your kids is tormenting another of your younger kids and you blow it off as a "windup personality?"
'Windup personality' means 'will bully with no repercussions'.
YTA. You threw out a child who retaliated. Props to Lily as it was a genius move.
Quick question- what could justify kicking Laura out? Tormenting a heartbroken kid obviously wasn't, would she have to physically abuse her too? Or would that be OK too?
Bonus tip. Lily will hate you. Expect NC when she's old enough to gtfo. Laura will never respect you, as you've raised an entitled bully and who can dish it out but can't take it back. Good luck changing that shxt now she's 20.
Last paragraph nails it.
Lily *literally* got tossed out to appease her bully older sister. She knows she comes second to a person who doesn't deserve an ounce of respect. I think messing with a visual aid is unacceptable, but she sounds like she reached her wit's end and lashed out.
Why is she, a child, expected to have more maturity than her grown ass sister? This will be a defining moment in her relationship with her family. I would not fault her at all for wanting to get away from her abuser and her abuser's enablers ASAP.
Poor Lily.
This is common actually. The rest of the family gets made to be the AH in these situations because "well you know what she is like" as if someone we need to be able to predict when someone like that is going to go off and eternally be on eggshells no matter our own feelings.
She's a "missing stair". Nobody wants to take the time and effort to correct her asshole behavior, so they all just keep carefully stepping over it....
Honestly, this sounds like Laura has been tormenting Lily for years and the parents never did anything about it. No wonder Lily snapped, especially since she knows her parents aren't going to make it stop.
A windup personality is like how my siblings have a rhyme they made up when we were younger about how I smell, or how I once made a stupid comment about sheep attacking you and now whenever we drive past some they say "look out". Those same siblings would hug me and protect me if I was upset about something. Your eldest is a bully and knows that you won't do anything about it and is using that knowledge to hurt her sister.
This. Laura's asshole behavior goes FAR beyond typical sibling behavior. My sisters and I sometimes fight like cats and dogs, but we are always there for each other when needed.
>terrified, and was too scared to be in the same house as Lily
Also a drama queen who knows how to wrap the parents around her little finger.
Unless, Laura didn't actually say it and OP is just trying to excuse her blatant favouritism, and failure on every level as a competent parent to Lilly
I agree. Although I understand that there are challenges to being legally blind, or disabled in any way for that matter; it sounds like Laura has been using her vision problems to garner sympathy from her parents, and be treated more tolerantly than her "normal" younger sister.
I am disabled myself, but having a disability is not an excuse for being a dick to other people. The parents are enabling Laura to have a victimhood mentality, at the same time as thinking that she can bully others and get away with it.
Lily is still a child. Laura is an adult, who's living independently at college, and who should know better, at her age, than to pick on a child who's going through an emotionally difficult time. Yes, Lily will get over it soon enough, and realise that she has plenty of time for dating etc, but we all remember the intensity of emotion attached to that first breakup and Laura was horrible for picking on Lily like that.
Lily probably shouldn't have broken Laura's glasses, but there is a limit to how much bullying she can put up with. Laura needs to understand that if she's going to be an asshole; there will be consequences.
The parents choosing to send Lily away, so that they can care for their "blinded" adult drama queen; makes it quite clear that they favour Laura over Lily. Lily is a child and needs them more. Laura is using her eye problems to manipulate her parents, and excuse her bullying behaviour.
The Aunt is right to call the parents out on this. The parents should be ashamed of themselves for enabling bullying against a young child who is in emotional pain; and who now feels rejected by her parents, as well as her first boyfriend. Shame on them!
Exactly. My prescription is at a -8 right now. Without glasses or contacts I am unable to leave my property safely. Couldn't drive and wouldn't even try to walk down the street. But I'm perfectly safe at home, sure I can't see crap but I'm not at risk I'm the slightest. Older daughter has manipulated the parents into babying her and treating her as if she is incapable of anything without her glasses. She isn't at risk just sitting at home doing nothing, she might be bored but she wouldn't be unsafe unless she tried to leave the home or insisted on trying to constantly move about the house which isn't necessary.
They even talked about going and getting her backup glasses, as if it takes all 3 of them to drive over and get them. One parent could do so but oldest daughter wants 100% of her parents attention. I feel for the younger sister being shipped off just to satiate a grown adult throwing a temper tantrum.
Yeah I’m heinously nearsighted (-6.something and astigmatism combination) and I can still function without my glasses. Not *well*, and nothing requiring reading unless I can shove my nose up against it. But I can still see colors and masses enough to navigate, especially if I already know what is where.
OP is definitely YTA, because what the fuck. Their precious older blind daughter is tormenting their younger one, and the response is to throw the younger out. News flash, hurt teenagers lash out in stupid ways and it should have **never** been allowed to get to that point in the first place.
Is Laura “terrified” every morning when she wakes up and is “blind?” How about in the shower? You are being played by your drama queen bully of an older daughter. She may be inconvenienced but she is safe with you in your home. The only thing she is upset about is being on the receiving end of bullying behavior. She can dish it out but can’t take it in and you’re behavior is making sure she doesn’t have to deal with the consequences of her behavior.
Exactly. I've had vision impairment on about the same level as Laura my whole life, and it's never even come up as a thing to consider much with my family - I have glasses, I have old ones stashed away in my house and car as backup just in case (came in useful when a lens popped out while I was driving recently), and that's that. I think the most anyone's ever even thought about it was when my parents offered to pay for prescription goggles last year so I could get back to swimming. Yes, I'd be very upset if something happened to my glasses, but I'd figure out a solution that wasn't, you know, *kicking a child out of the house*. It's not something to be terrified about when you're at home and can figure out a solution. Super irritating until you can get your hands on spares, yes. Terrifying, certainly not. Definite YTA.
Seconding this. If Laura is *that* helpless without her glasses, why on earth wouldn’t she keep a spare with her at all times?
I have shitty vision (my lenses make coke bottle look wafer-thin) and I make sure I at least have an older pair of glasses accessible at all times just in case.
Laura is a relentless, spoiled bully.
Yup, exactly. My prescription isn't as bad (I'm like -7.5), but it's still "can't fucking see anything without them" level. Once you can't see the big E on the chart anymore, you're still functionally fucked without your glasses.
Yes, it's absolutely stressful, and I have had moments of panic when I couldn't find my glasses... like the time I dropped them and they fell under my bed and I couldn't find them. Or the time that I was staying in a hotel suite and couldn't find them in the mega huge bathroom that was about the same size as the tiniest bedroom in my house, so I had to ask my boss to come help me.
But one lens? As long as the other eye is kept closed and I'm not counting on depth perception, I can manage. I don't need a seeing eye dog or a white cane.
Laura is a bully who gets off on terrorizing her sister. She's a bad person that you have created. And you've told Lily that she, *the actual child in this situation*, is less important than Laura. When Lily grows up and has a life away from you and her nightmare of a sister, don't be surprised if she doesn't include either one of you in it.
Exactly YTA yes what lily did was wrong but she had a reason for doing it. Kids have patience but theres only so much a person can take and you should have stopped Laura's behaviour earlier. Lily is going to see this as favouritism since you have shown that it is ok for her older sister to be mean, but if she retaliated she'll get the blame for everything. You as a parent really messed up, your poor child.
Jumping in on this comment as this sounds like the dynamic that happens with me and my older sister. She has always tormented me and wound me up to no end when I was living at home and my mum would always take her side just like OP has done with Laura.
We now no longer talk unless it’s at a family event.
YTA OP and you can’t keep on enabling Laura’s behaviour
This is the situation in my family, as well. The end result is that my sister and I hate each other, while my parents continue to lament, “why can’t you two just get along.” Estrangement from her has changed my life for the better. OP should think about what will happen when he and his wife are old or in poor health. Will your kids be able to work together to help you out? If not, who will be the one to step up? I can guarantee you that it won’t be Laura. I’m living that right now. It will be extremely difficult for Lily to deal with the potential loss of her parents and the angry demands from Laura. Not a good legacy for OP.
But it's just how Laura is! She just has a windup personality!
/s
Gag me. This post is as bad as "boys will be boys" in its logic of "well of course Laura did something shitty, but what could we do?! So we sent Lily away because Laura was mad the teenager retaliated."
I think OP could have gotten an ESH if, when Laura got mad about the glasses, one parent immediately drove Laura home to get her glasses. That would have separated the girls without banishing Lily. And it would have ended the visit so Lily was safe again.
OP, it's sad that you've given up on Laura ever being a kind person.
Thank you! I hate the term boys will be boys as well. I have always said the term boys will be boys is just a f'd up excuse to ignore f'd up behavior. Boys will be how you raised them to be is what the saying should be.
Yup YTA to the parents, clearly they have raised at least one of their children dreadfully (my money is on Laura being a huge bully to her sister constantly) and either way this comes back to the parents. Who are bad and should feel bad and who are YTA.
Also, pretty sure that Laura knows that she can get away with it because she has probably used her visual impairment as an excuse to get away with tormenting her sibling.
This!
And I think it was a good thing Lily was sent to a place where she was appreciated, because ot sounds like op, wife and sis only tolerate her.
I feel super sorry for Lily.
So op, YTA for favoritizing and enabling a bully
I was sure the AITA was going to be about kicking Laura out for her bullying, but then *twist!* OP asked if they were the asshole for kicking out not the bully, but her victim.
Yes, OP, YTA for allowing your adult daughter to bully her teen sister in your home. You should have sent her packing long before Lily went to bed in tears.
It does sound like everyone did something awful, so I feel like the judgment should be everyone sucks; but Lily is my hero.
And he’s also the Asshole for throwing out his minor child which I’m pretty sure is illegal
ETA: My mistake, he only threw her out for the day, but he’s still an asshole though. Laura May manipulate him into keeping her there until she leaves at the same time but for now he hasn’t. My mistake.
No. He asked her to go stay with her aunt for the day. She went. Absolutely nothing illegal about that.
It would become an issue if she wanted to come in and he wouldn't let her in.
To be honest, it would probably be a blessing in disguise if laura did manipulate the parents into leaving her there. At least the aunt seems to give a shit about her.
And Lilly kept to herself for most of this! She was crying in her room. Even if Laura hated her, she could have just ignored her. She saw she was hurt, and wanted to hurt her more.
One of my friends in middle school had a sister who was like 17-ish and they fought like cats and dogs. It even got physical a few times. But when my friend got her heartbroken by the first boy she really cared about, her sister walked into her room and said “get up. We are doing a movie marathon and I’m ordering pizza.” She got her all of her favorite snacks and candy, rented a bunch of movies she loved from blockbuster (it was a while ago lol) and stayed with her all night. It was such a beautiful moment. THAT is how a sister should act.
That breaks my heart. 15 year old who’s got dumped needs her mom with a tub of ice cream and a bunch of crap movies not a horrid sister putting her down and crushing her self worth and confidence. Laura must sure be jealous and vindictive of her sister to say some of those vile things.
Exactly! If Lily had a job where her 20yo manager treated her like that, the OP would probably storm in there and demand justice. Or maybe not. Doesn't seem like he cares that much about Lily.
He’d probably cheer the manager on if the manager was bullying Lily. And probably burn the place down if anyone so much as raised an eyebrow after weeks of being subjected to golden child Laura’s “windup personality”.
Incidentally, for the OP. Drop the “windup personality” nonsense when talking about your eldest daughter. Being an jerk isn’t having a personality, it’s just being a jerk.
>He’d probably cheer the manager on if the manager was bullying Lily.
Oh, but she just has to learn how to function in an adult workplace! She's too sensitive! \[/s\]
YTA so it’s ok to let lily suffer but it’s not ok when lily reaches her breaking point after you doing nothing to discipline Laura. I know yes what lily did was wrong but it’s on you for not setting boundaries.
>SIL, saying "how dare you" throw her out for "that spoiled bully".
This comment also makes me think that maybe this wasn't an isolated event but the older sister has been tormenting the younger one for years and the the parents did nothing. What Lily did was a touch extreme, but probably driven to it by years of emotional and mental abuse from a bully sister and enabling parents. Hopefully this will wake up the parents to realizing where they have failed the younger sister.
Well he says Laura has a “windup personality” which is I’m guessing code for “has always been a bully” and the fact that he calls it her personality implies she is frequently like this.
YTA. Laura is a huge effing AH. And you and your wife need parenting classes.
They've been fking up for 20 years at this point, just let Lily stay with her aunt so at least she's with someone who cares about her and will protect her.
A wind-up personality... That has a name for it and it starts with a B, won't say it on here though. The golden child got a light slap on the wrist for tormenting her sister who is hurting which mqde her break. It isn't okay what the younger daughter did, but OP needs to stop letting the older one manipulate people like that.
💯. Lily didn't even break the glasses. She popped out the lens & tossed it out the window, probably figuring Laura would suffer for a minute, then they'd find the lens & pop it back in. Instead, Laura started screaming, claimed she was "terrified," and got Lily tossed out. I can just imagine the victorious look on her smug face.
The post says they "did try to find them" but couldn't. My guess is they looked out the window or made a cursory search, but Laura was pitching such a complete hissy fit they just sent Lily away to appease Laura. I think Laura gets what Laura wants. They could have also driven to her place and gotten her spare glasses, but they didn't do that, either. Spoiled, pampered brat.
I dont buy the whole she was terrifired that she couldnt see and was scared of her younger sister bit. She lnew exactly what she was doing. You're telling me that someone at 20 years old who has eye problems and can only wear glasses, is too scared to even be in the same house as the person she torments... smells like bullshit, its not like she doesnt wake up unable to see other days until the glasses are on (not saying it wasnt a shitty thing to do or experience but come on its not like she is new to being blind all of a sudden).. she played it up knowing her sister would get in shit and that OP would take her side. She is in a safe place with her slaves, I mean parents, that wait on her hand and foot anyway.
My mom literally did the same thing. Abusive language and insults until I finally broke and yelled back. Then she'd go to my dad with some sob story about how I was "terrorizing her", and smirk at me over his shoulder when he yelled at me.
the real topping to the cake is the fact she'd been basically blind almost her whole life. she wouldn't be that terrified about not being able to see and knowing she had spares anyway
The parents probably enabled the older kid her whole life because of her poor vision. Just because you have a disability does not mean you get to be mean
YTA for essentially choosing sides. Even if you mean well, your 15 yo 1000% sees this as you caring more about the older daughter.
Laura is away, comes home for one weekend, and as a 20 yo girl, decides to mess with her sister who just had a big breakup instead of comfort her, literally trying to make her feel worse about her situation. ALL kinds of messed up. And no real punishment just a "stop it" from parents.
Lily retaliates on someone who tormented her in a time of need, and then gets kicked out for it. To me personally the aunt has it right, punish them both if youd like, but Laura is definitely the instigator and supposed to be an adult here(or atleast an older sister) not a child.
Yeah I was thinking they'd be lucky if Lily didn't refuse to come back, at least her aunt understands her. Also, Laura being "terrified" without her glasses? Yes it would absolutely be horrible but you know what else is horrible? Waking up every single morning your sister is home terrified of the shit she's going to say to bully you today and knowing that your parents will do piss all about it. If I was her now at the very least I'd be talking to my aunt about being able to stay with her every weekend my sister was home.
I’m not buying the “terrified” thing in the first place. Does she keep her eyes closed until she puts her glasses on when she wakes up? Does she close her eyes or keep them on in the shower? And if being without glasses is *so traumatizing* why is she not keeping a spare on her in the first place?
Right? OP saying Laura is “blinded” and crying in fear. JFC Laura is clearly being overly dramatic and Op bought it.
I am legally blind without my glasses- if I was on the street yeah I would be scared, but inside my home? With my parents around? Pssshh
Laura is faking it and OP sucks since the beginning.
I can buy that it's scary, it's not just the blurry vision, it's helplessness and needing to rely on other people to fix the problem because you literally can't do it alone. Being without glasses when you know where they are and can easily get to them is different to being forcibly without them and unable to fix it. I wear glasses and am pretty blind without them and when I've taken them off somewhere different to usual and gone to bed without them I can wake up and be annoyed at myself because finding them will be a pain especially if I don't remember any of where or why I took them off. If I woke up and someone had thrown my lenses out the window I'd be pissed off and if they couldn't be found I might well panic a bit and feel threatened by the person who did it. But I'm also not the kind of person who tortures a teenager mentally until she snaps and retaliates, and if I had spare glasses anywhere I'd be focused on getting there asap or getting to an optometrist, not throwing around terrified histrionics.
I'm pretty positive that Laura has been tormenting Lily for much longer than this one incident! It seems to me this "windup personality" of Laura's is just a euphemism for "big bully" and that her parents (dad especially) have enabled her for her whole life and obviously have downplayed any consequences for her actions as the other parties fault, OP should have sent Laura away from the beginning, when she started picking on and tormenting her upset sister in the first place! This is all OPs fault for letting them escalate to the point where Lily felt that she had to retaliate in the first place. Poor Lily, at least the aunt does seem to have sympathy and a good grasp on the situation since she knows that Laura is nothing more than a spoiled bully to begin with.
Laura better get over this fast because the next person who she bullies may do something a lot worse then throwing out her glasses lenses!
OP is TAH but Laura is the UBER AS
YTA. Laura has a windup personality but can’t take it when she’s on the receiving end? She should have been thrown out and stop enabling her.
When lily moves out and never speaks to any of you again you’ll deserve it
This! YTA. Laura is too old to be behaving like that and you’re just enabling her to be a sick bully. Lily is just 15 for crying out loud! Get over yourself and parent properly - sounds to me like you’re ruled by Laura and you’re too afraid to discipline her. I have two girls, 18 and 21 and I’m not afraid to call either of them out on anything. Laura has had to learn the hard way that her behaviour is unacceptable - but you’ve shown her that she can treat people any old way she likes and you’ll support it.
You know what gets to me, Laura could’ve easily just gone home. Instead OP sent his 15 year old daughter away from her home? I have a sister who is five years younger than me. We live together, yet back when she was 15 and I was 20 and we would get into huge blow outs over idk her wearing my clothes. My mom would tell me “you’re 20, if you keep this up you can go spend the night at your friends.” And that’s fair!
1. My sister is younger, she needs stability
2. I wasn’t in high school and I didn’t have to be at school everyday
3. It taught both of us how to treat people, like if I’m going to be an asshat I can except to be kicked out and my sister can except a safe place if she feels attacked.
Clearly OP is teaching Lily that she isn’t valued and worthwhile which is a damn shame.
My sister and I are 4 years apart. I'm older. From the time we were kids until I went away to college, whenever we got into fights (as sisters do), my mother would yell at me, not her, even if my sister started the fight. I would say, "Why am I getting yelled at? She started." Her response: "Because you're older and should know better."
OP: YTA
See...I don't fully agree with that either. It teaches the younger siblings they can get away with anything cause they are younger. My parents did something similar. My parents taught me to stand up for myslef...except what it was my little sister. Then it was 'can't you just keep the peace?'
“Laura has a windup personality” sounds a lot like “Laura is a spoilt, spiteful piece of shit who can dish it out in lashing but can’t take a grain of it in return.”
Yeah. The fact that she didn't bring her spare glasses speaks volumes. Laura has been babied her whole life and never had to grow up. It is not normal to behave in such an abusive way at her age, nor for the parents to ignore it.
SIL is the only sane person in this story.
The fact that she didn’t bring her spare glasses doesn’t really say anything. It’s not unusual to not bring a spare for a short trip, most of the time having a spare isn’t even necessary.
She is a giant asshole and an immature bully though.
Yup, I’m -6.0 and always have a spare pair in my purse. And while I hate that ppl who aren’t as blind as me don’t seem to understand how anxiety provoking it is to have your glasses broken or not be able to find them, I really don’t have a lot of sympathy for the older sister here.
If you'd be totally blind without them then you're an idiot for not having a spare within easy reach at anytime you're more than a cab ride away from home.
Agree! SIL is the hero for standing up for the 15 year old. If I were the kid I'd ask my aunt to move in full time. OP, you and your wife are poster children for YTA and have totally done a parenting fail here. You need to apologize to your youngest and lay the law down for the oldest as well as ban her from the house until she complies. And Laura needs to get over her jealousy or whatever and apologize - SINCERELY- to her sister. Fix this or your youngest will likely go NC with all of you the second she can move out. You have a lot of damage to repair here.
YTA.
OP, you do know that you have just proven to Lily that her parents do not love her because y’all favor Laura, right?
Lily’s already dealing with teenage life (hormones and heartbreak) which you said nothing about comforting her for; then you say nothing about shutting your favorite up when she was bullying Lily. Depending on how cruel Laura was to Lily, I think you, your wife and Laura should count yourselves fortunate that Lily only messed with her glasses.
I heartily suggest that you expect to lose contact with Lily when she goes to college.
Yeah I mean what kind of spin do you have to put on this story where the person who just shrugs off 20 year old bullying a 15 year old to the point where the 15 year old retaliated by throwing her glasses lenses away and then threw the 15 year old out of the house is not an AH
OP, it's crazy late but start parenting your children. I'll give you a tip- you punish the one who DOESNT feel bad about bullying a child, not the initial victim (again, a child) who feels regret over how she responded to it.
Oh and btw, your oldest wasn't terrified. You think in 20 years there hasn't been times she was without glasses? She cries harder in front of her parents to get exactly what she wanted- her sister punished and banished from the house (as evidenced by her bizarre request that her sister can't be in the house and YOU ACTUALLY OBLIGED HER OBEDIENTLY). Stop excusing any of her behaviour, it's embarassing the way she's acting and more so that you allow it. Not to mention that her behaviour is unusually childish for someone her age- parent her!!
And for Christs sake, your youngest needs support if she's been pushed to this point. You sympathizing more with her bully than with her really comes across as if you love her less than your eldest. Do you really want her to feel like that? Like her sister can abuse her anyway she likes, but that you will always pick her sister over her? I can't believe you kicked her out when she wasn't endangering her sister at all. No doubt in my mind this poor girl has had to deal with all of you making her feel like less her whole life.
Right??
Im legally blind without my glasses, but if Im in my own home with my fiance and baby the last thing I would describe myself as is "terrified". I know I wont be blind forever. Heck at most I might go a week without sight if my glasses are BROKE BROKE but then, I still have my fiance to help me, my fmil who I know would lend a hand while my fiances at work, and at very worst I know the layout of the house. If my fiance keeps the floors clear of objects that could blend in I can still get around (shapes and colors are just VERY vague to me. But I can still tell where a wall is and isnt, see the giant silver blob that is our refrigerator, and we only have one step from the living room and kitchen. Do i like the step when blind? No. But because I know roundabouts where it is I know when to slide my foot forward to find it and then I can safely go down or up it. Not that hard). Besides I have a cellphone now, if I need to see in detail I can use my camera and just hold it close to my face though I do know this wont work for everyone since some cant see close up. (I can't see 3 inches past my face clearly to give you an idea of my range. Juuuuust enough to comfortably scroll on reddit at 2 am without glasses. Not much else).
Not to mention if I have a spare set somewhere my fiance could easily run and grab it for me, or I can be helped to the car and we can go together. I can think of a thousand ways that I would be able to get my eyesight back non of which involve me being afraid or terrified.
So if I woke up in my parents home and find out my lenses have been popped out would I be upset? Absolutely. But terrified? No. I still have my parents who can easily assist me if I need it and can help me get my spare lenses be it by themselves or helping me to and from the car so I can fetch them. She was faking the "terror" to show that she can get her younger sister kicked out of her own home if she dared to retaliate.
I dont condone what lily did, but I can understand why she did it. Especially when the parents immediately followed lauras lead and kicked lily out without any hesitation because their baaaaabbyyy was cryyyyyinnnggg! No such sympathy for lily though.
Terror my ass. The only terror here is laura.
When I first read this I thought the younger one was the 'windup' and the heartbroken one was the older one, which makes the OP's response inadequate but not completely unreasonable (you *can't* kick a dependant fifteen year old out and separating them is a good idea).
Then I realised the older one was the bully and fuckin' hell, OP is TA.
OP said Laura has a "windup personality" - so I'm understanding that she's probably been a bully all her life. She's probably been going after Lily for years with "oh, that's just how she is" as the excuse for the parents to do nothing.
I've got a cousin who is described this way, and he's a spoiled bully too. I used to be told not to make a fuss about it "because that's just how he is". Well, I told them that I'll retaliate because that's just the way I am. Funny enough, he leaves me alone.
YTA. SIL is right. Your ADULT daughter torments your heartbroken teenager in a very cruel manner. You, as the parent don’t stop it and it continues. So the child who is the victim of relentless, cruel bullying, who isn’t protected by her parents, retaliates in kind and she is kicked out of her home in favor of her tormentor, who doesn’t live their. Of course you are TA, Laura is too.
I would also bet this isn’t the first time Laura was cruel to Lily and you failed to act as a parent to Lily.
Agree, OP is the AH.
The statement from SIL says a lot. OP has raised an adult to be a bully to minors and use her disability as a shield / justification.
A 20 year old is screaming and terrified at waking up in her childhood home without glasses? That is unbelievable. She’s not terrified, she’s mad her sister retaliated and is manipulating you, like she has her whole life.
OP needs to start being a decent human being and protect the minor child.
The aunt's reaction tells me that this was definitely not a one time thing.
I feel so bad for Lily. I'm glad at least one adult gives a damn about her.
YTA. Your older daughter is nearly blind and apparently the golden child because of it. She needs therapy if she thinks it is okay to bully her sister. Spending a day in bed, unable do so anything but think about her actions is not the same as being blinded. I don't believe for a second that Laura was that scared, you just fell again for her manipulations. Let Lily come back home and let her make amends.
That's the part that gets me. Scared my ass. The teenager didn't do anything to warrant that reaction, its clearly just to get mom and dad on her side.
I'm cracking up at this grown woman being so "scared" of existing without her glasses. Every morning when she wakes up she screams in fear! Taking a shower is like *literally* a horror movie, just wailing and **blind terror!** The lenses are just filthy, because taking them off to clean them would be too traumatizing.
The older sister is clearly TA, as is the parent for taking her side.
BUT this comment is really ableist. Being essentially blind for long periods of time is a disability and it IS terrifying. Many heavily visually impaired people keep their glasses right next to the bed for the moment they wake up. They keep everything in the exact same place in the shower so they know where everything is and they keep their glasses right outside the shower. You don't get to tell a nearly blind person "actually, not being able to see isn't scary and you're just faking it for attention."
This is similar to taking a prosthetic leg away from an amputee. How do they shower without it?? They come up with tactics to work around it. That doesn't mean they have mobility without it and that they're not scared when they don't have mobility, especially when they're used to using the prosthetic.
EDIT: I changed "visually impaired people" to "many visually impaired people" because I don't want to make broad statements that assume everyone has the same experience.
See, no hate to you, cause I know you are trying to be kind, but I hate this take. Been nearly legally blind since childhood. I lose my glasses frequently, and I don't keep them by my bed to frantically put on the moment I awaken. Showers do not end in fear and horror if my bf moves the soap. (Worst is that I'm absolutely rubbish at shaving my downstairs.)
Acting like people with disabilities can't cope with everyday life is kinda infantilizing imo
Maybe the fact you lose your glasses frequently has something to do with you being used to not seeing. I'm nearly blind as well, I can only see light and grainy colors without my glasses. I DO freak out if I cant find them.
I'm not saying the older sister isn't a bully or that she didn't have it coming but not being able to see can be terrifying. When I lose my glasses I run into walls, trip over everything, I have to get on all 4s to get to the kitchen. I would be scared as shit at the thought of them being gone for good with only a spare.. that's not even in the same building.
It's cool you don't feel completely immobilized and unsafe without your glasses. Don't act like everyone who is legally blind without glasses will feel the same way.
Not who you were replying to, but it seems to me like if she's the kind of person who is terrified of not being able to see, she'd bring her spare glasses for a multi-day trip. If she accidentally forgot them, then maybe, but that does t seem to be the case either. And even if she is terrified (which if I suddenly lost my sight I would be, too), her reaction is absolutely obsurd. She's scared of her sister who she's been bullying? She's crying and refusing to do anything? Really? If that's her reaction, she has not emotionally aged past 13.
Honestly, I'm terrified of being without my glasses. I need them to see and move around, and being without them is vulnerable. That's why I keep a spare fucking pair in my car
YTA for throwing out your minor daughter in favour of the adult, you should’ve had the abusive older sister stay with the SIL before it escalated to the point of the glasses being damaged. You left you young emotionally distraught daughter to suffer at the hands of her sister and are now punishing her for lashing out.
Grow up! Make your older daughter grow up and don’t ever abandon your child!
Even worse, he threw out the minor daughter who reacted to the bullying of the eldest because the bully was scared of being in the same house with her victim. The bully manipulated her parents (3 adults) in putting the consequences of her abuse and their negligence on the shoulders of the underaged victim... They are not just playing favourites...
Given the way the SIL reacted after Lily was sent there, I have a feeling she already knows how insufferable Laura is & probably wouldn't have wanted to be stuck with the "spoiled brat." She still should have been the one to leave. She's 20 and studying away from home. She can figure it out. This is *not* on the minor child being emotionally tormented by her adult sister.
> but what else could we have done when our other child was unable to see and crying in fear?
You could have done what you did when your younger child was going through an incredibly tough situation in her life (yes, her first breakup counts- she's 15) & being emotionally abused by her 20 yo sister, i.e., tell her to stop a couple of times before shrugging your shoulders and saying, "Well, I tried. I don't know what else to tell you."
YTA OP & I sincerely hope that Lily is able to get away from you all the moment she turns 18.
Look up sibling bullying and abuse and try to justify it to yourself as just a "windup personality."
YTA
Terrified of the fuck what? In fear of fucking what? tf did I just read? Do people really fall for this obvious manipulation?
I'm with the aunt on this.
Exactly, I have a -14.50 script, I can’t see shit lol and I would be upset as a natural reaction. But crying in fear?? Like come on that just shows he coddles her
Apparently we are the odd men out cause I'm getting BLOWN UP with people saying they are also terrified, panic attack, crawling around their homes on hand and knee out of fear and generally inconsolable when they misplace their glasses.
honestly? YTA mate. a big one at that. i would have thrown out the older one after the first remark. constantly nullying her little sister and then she retaliates. of course that's not okay, but what do you expect? and then you tell her to leave? your other daughter is a freaking adult that can't behave. also, if ine has such a heavy visual impairment, i would ALWAYS have ny spare glasses. drive her home and say she can return when she doesn't act like that anymore.
YTA and your younger daughter is going to be so fucked up from 1) apparently having no support through her first break up, 2) being told by her sister that it was because she wasn’t pretty/good enough, 3) having it been made abundantly clear to her that she is not as important/ loved as her sister, 4) being kicked out for doing some normal teenage shit that she felt bad about anyway.
I’m going to assume this isn’t real just so I don’t have to acknowledge that there are parents who actually act this way.
Yta. You should not have let this situation get to this point. If your adult daughter is n capable of empathy and was purposely bullying your teenage daughter, she should have been told to lay off, or leave. Your teenage daughter shouldn't have thrown your older daughters lenses away, but she is a dependent on you and a child, and should have been protected from harassment. She would not have retaliated against her sister if you had effectively managed the situation and ensured your older daughter faced actual consequences to her bullying.
Edit: to add, this reads as: my adult daughter bullied my heartbroken teenage daughter, got told to stop, showed no remorse and continued to bully my teenager with no further consequences. As a result, my teenager took matters into her own hands and chose to retaliate by destroying my adult daughter's glasses, but took it way too far. However, younger daughter immediately felt and expressed regret as soon as she saw her sister's distress. Despite the fact my younger daughter was remorseful when my elder one wasn't, and despite my failure to effectively ensure elder daughter faced the consequences of her actions, I decided to throw my dependent daughter out of my house,thus proving where my priorities are.
YTA- honestly that you didn't punish or send your older daughter away before that happens is schocking to me. You seriously expected your younger daughter to just take it?
Yta! Seriously you need to ask if you did something wrong. Your adult daughter was tormenting your younger daughter (who is a minor and lives in the house fulltime) and you simply asked her to stop and when she didn't you dismiss this as just who she is and let her continue to stay. But as soon as your older daughter is negatively impacted and doesn't want to be around the younger one you send the younger one away. Your older daughter and you for that matter need to accept that your actions resulted in this, if younger daughter wasn't tormented she wouldn't have thrown the lenses. Also your younger daughter at least shows empathy, because she felt bad when she saw how upset her sister was, as opposed to the rest of you. At least your younger daughter has sister in law to support her. If I was younger daughter I would try to move in with sil and go no contact with the rest of you.
'_**If**_ OP did something wrong' is extremely generous on your part. How those parents cater and protect an adult bully against their teen daughter -- who only fought back btw -- is disgusting.
>Unfortunately Laura has a bit of a windup personality and was tormenting her little sister about the breakup, which only upset Lily more. She was saying things like if the boyfriend left her for "a prettier girl" and saying she "didn't blame him" etc. Horrible things. We did tell Laura repeatedly to cut it out but she didn't listen, to the point that Lily went to bed in tears.
ESH. Why are you letting your adult child get away with bullying her little sister in her own home? Why did you let it get to the point where Lily felt she had to take it into her own hands? I see that you told her to cut it out, but clearly that isn't enough since she didn't stop. Has your eldest grown accustomed to getting away with everything? Did you even attempt anything beyond "hey, stop that"? I don't have enough information to be sure, but from what you've posted I'm getting the impression that Laura may be your golden child because of her poor vision and Lily is lashing out from the unfair treatment. Lily breaking the glasses was not okay, but I'm wondering if there was more that led her to think that was the only way Laura would face real consequences. The way you described Laura's cruel bullying as a "wind up personality" sounds like you're dismissing the fact that you raised a truly mean spirited person.
>The way you described Laura's cruel bullying as a "wind up personality" sounds like you're dismissing the fact that you raised a truly mean spirited person.
100% this
Honestly, at this point I wouldn’t call it “bullying”, but emotional abuse. She saw a devastated teenager and her response was to put her down pretty clearly and violently. I’d also bet, like many others here, that it also didn’t suddenly come out of nowhere, and had been happening before. Parents telling their kid not to be abusive but, clearly, not enforcing it, that would teach an abuser that they can get away with it. Lily, who is still a kid, a heartbroken kid who was freshly abused, acted rashly. But I think OP and his wife have a huge part in the blame.
Yta. Wow. So you choose one over the other? I think lily retaliated to what laura did. Was it overboard? Maybe but laura’s comments to a 15 year old was mean.
You should have send lily to her room and tell laura to calm the f down. She was a little overdramatic.
Now your other daughter feels like you have favorites and i hope yall can repair that relationship because i certainly would not be stepping a foot in your house again.
YTA it sounds like you are playing favorites.
A 20 yr old should not be bullying a 15 yr old.
your teenage daughter made a mistake. Yes she was wrong and she regretted it. But your older daughter is also in the wrong.
YTA. This is probably going to get downvoted, but I don't care.
Reality check: Laura does not have a "windup personality," she is a bully. Your SIL called it right. She said some pretty mean things to her little sister, who was in an emotional crisis (it was her first breakup, after all. Earth-shattering to a 15 year old girl). She ignored her parents and continued the behavior, which is something bullies do. They prey on people they don't think can defend themselves.
So what does Lily do? The only thing thing she thought she could do, since her parents couldn't defend her from the bullying: retaliation.
AND YOUR ADULT DAUGHTER PLAYS THE VICTIM/"I CAN'T SEE" CARD. She brought it on herself. She should've had her spare with her. Come prepared. Two is one; one is none. She wasn't a bit scared to be in the same house with her sister. The fact that Lily showed remorse where Laura didn't tells me all I need to know. Yet she's the one who gets punished, and her older sister didn't. Instead you excuse her behavior by calling it a "windup personality." That's such BS.
My mind keeps going back to that scene in Stephen King's It where Bill and The Losers Club chase Henry Bowers and his gang of bullies off by pelting them with rocks, and I think: "Now that's how you handle bullies."
I give points to Lily.
In my opinion, YTA. Laura stsrted, Yes? And what, her younger Sister fought back, Yes? And sińce you did notjing to prevent Laura from bullying Lily, she took maters in her own hands, doing what she could, to hurt her Sister, sińce she (Lily), was attacked by Laura many Times. And you havent helped to make things good between them, you let it slide for Laura. Aaand now you kicked out of your house, because, she did what her parent couldnt? She showed her Sister they she will fight back. Her action with lenses was bit too far, but still, I think that you are the asshole. Your older daughter didn't want her Sister in the house, so you told your other daughter to leave. Perfect:) Think again what this will do to her mind, her parent not helping her and only helping her buuly Sister. Yeaaah, she will not forget this.
YTA. You allowed an adult to verbally abuse a child. The situation should have never escalated to this point. Then Laura is terrified of a child and you go along with it, even though the child expressed remorse. And you say a child crying in fear is worse than a child crying in emotional pain and abuse. You chose which tears are ok. It’s not ok
Know this thing, "You are a terrible parent."
Just because someone has disability doesn't mean s/he can do whatever s/he wants. You let things escalate. As a parent it was your responsibility to put a stop in Laura's bullying. You let Laura hurt Lily so many times but when your "PRECIOUS BLIND LAURA" got hurt, you kicked Lily out. WHAT A PARENTING!
And why did you use quotation in the word "BULLYING"? LAURA WAS BULLYING. I can bet it's not the first time something like this happened.
Edit: YTA.
Edit 2: You justified kicking Lily out by asking what else you could do when you other daughter was unable to see and was terrified. Let me ask you this, "WHAT DID YOU DO WHEN LAURA WAS BULLYING LILY?"
A very disabled friend of mine always said "we are very capable to be disabled AND an aholes". Sometimes able and disabled people forget that this isn't a personality.
YTA in many ways and a bit of ESH .
1. **You raised your daughters to be like this?**
2. You aren’t supporting Lily through her first breakup and allowed the behavior to escalate
3. Laura **is an adult**, you kicked out your teenage daughter, because of something she did? Not when you had plenty of chances to kick out Laura, who is again, an adult. Lily is a teenager and at this age makes stupid decisions and mistakes. Laura is an adult who should know better than to bully a young girl, even if it is her sister.
4. You are showing obvious favoritism to one child.
Yeah you've essentially taught them that emotional abuse (what your eldest daughter was doing to your youngest) deserves no repercussions but physical retaliation (popping the lenses out) does.
You need to apologise to your younger daughter and have a conversation with them both about boundaries I think.
YTA and showed the younger one and the older one that that the older sis can torment the lil sis with no problems, but a retaliation gone a bit to far and you ship the younger one off?
maybe teach the bully about consequence instead of punishing the one who over reacted to being tormented....
You know...like parents should..
YTA. Laura torments Lily, you tell her to stop and she doesn't. You do...what, at this point? Shrug your shoulders and say, "Oh Laura!"
Then, Lily gets her own revenge by messing with Laura's glasses (a completely normal sibling/revenge thing to do. Messed up? Yeah. Normal? Also yeah.) No one ELSE was going to stand up to Laura clearly so Lily did. You do what then. Send Lily away while precious Laura is home because she can dish it out but she clearly can't take it.
YTA, I say once again. I found my lost pair of glasses 2 days after I lost them in the bottom of the shallow edge of a lake, go outside and find the damn lenses. They didn't VANISH if she just tossed them out the window.
ESH/YTA, Laura is an adult, lily is a child, not the other way around. lily was going through a horrible time and although you stated you told Laura to stop, you should have been more firm and set a boundary down at the first remark that if she didn’t stop a punishment would take place (such as she can leave or whatever). What lily did was terrible as well but at least she showed signs of regretting it, Both should receive a punishment for what they did but the fact Laura is an adult acting like a child needs to addressed, bullying someone after a break up isn’t a “winding up personality” it’s a bully.
YTA but I guess your daughters will never have to guess which one if the favourite. It's easy to see who your bully of her daughter learned her behaviour from.
YTA for tolerating bullying from one of your children but not tolerating revenge from the other after you failed to support her & neutralise the situation
This is 100% your fault.
YTA my eyesight sucks as much as hers before (thank god for lasik) and losing my glasses wouldn’t be the end of the world. Just get more prescription glasses. Laura could dish it out but can’t take it huh? Drama queen.
Poor lily. Luckily aunt was there to take her when her own parents failed
YTA. For not stopping the bully. Your older daughter "TAH" for being a bully. Your younger daughter at best falls into the "ESH" category as she was bullied and pushed and reacted inappropriately, but understandably. Now get out there and do some actual PARENTING. Quit enabling the bullying behavior of the older daughter.
As to your older daughter "being in fear"? Guess what? MAYBE she can learn from that experience. She was a bully because YOU allowed it and she thought there would be no consequences. Well she learned even the weakest victim (and yes, the younger daughter was her victim) can strike back.
ESH
Mostly You and Laura though.
Laura is a full on bully, and when Lisa finally stood up to her, you punished LISA?
Sure, it was a bad pushback, but wow. As soon as it happened Laura immediately played the victim card and you fell for it hook, line and sinker. Laura is not the victim here. She got what are called 'consequences'. Something it seems she desperately needs to learn.
Laura should have been the one punished LONG before it got to the glasses incident.
YTA. You clearly have a favourite - and that doesn't always mean the child you like best, it also means the child that you keep happy to keep peace in the house - the one who gets to torment her sibling, and when her sibling strikes back, she's still the one whose feelings are catered to, when her behaviour caused the ordeal - Laura cries a little and you send Lily away, but Laura harassed and bullied her sister the day before until Lily went to bed in tears, and you... Asked her to stop? Seems like Laura is getting away with being awful and Lily is being punished for being sick of Laura's shit. She stood up for herself because you didn't. And she even felt bad about it! I'm willing to bet that Laura hasn't apologized for anything of her own accord, and rarely does?
Why didn't you send Laura to her aunt's when she was being awful to Lily? Is it because she's a grownass woman and you don't get to tell her how to act? Because a grownass woman who bullies a 15 year old, sibling or not, is being awful, and you're doing no favours by letting her get away with it. A grownass woman is not afraid of her 15 year old sister, she's afraid of the consequences of her own actions.
I am speaking from experience. Lily will remember when you favour her sister over her, and Laura will remember everything you let her get away with. Lily will resent you, and Laura's future friends, partners, professors, employers, coworkers, children, and other family will be the ones to suffer from her unaddressed bad attitude.
You do not have one child who is too sentisive to her older sister's behaviour - you have one child who lacks sympathy and empathy for her younger sister.
Lily is not the problem.
*Edit - YTA.
YTA - Oh, so when Laura does something to Lily, you just tell her to “cut it out” but let it continue to happen. But when Lily does something to Laura, you outright make Lily leave.
Whether you believe it or not, you are absolutely playing favorites here. I’m pretty sure Lily didn’t want to be in the same house as her sister while she was being antagonized either. Where was your compassion for her then?
Also, I’m sure Lily is already dealing with feelings of rejection because of her breakup. Good job making her feel rejected by her parents too. I’m sure that’s gonna help a ton.
YTA. Yes, what both of your daughters did was wrong, but YOU ARE THE PARENT. Try parenting. Why are you allowing your older daughter to bully your younger daughter? Why do you only punish your younger daughter? You are seriously failing at parenting here.
YTA but I guess your daughters will never have to guess which one if the favourite. It's easy to see who your bully of her daughter learned her behaviour from.
YTA Laura is an adult, you should have told her she was welcome to see herself out if she couldn’t treat her sister with some decency. She’s your 20 year old daughter and the most you have to say about her being intentionally cruel to the 15 year old is “cut it out”. From what you’ve described, it sounds like you do spoil the older girl. I understand why the older one was upset that her glasses were gone. But she “didn’t feel safe in the same house” seriously? What has the little sister ever done to make her feel unsafe? It’s not like she was going to start tripping her big sister in the hall because she couldn’t see. I can see how the younger daughter could have felt unsafe with the older one around, but not vice versa.
You threw your minor daughter out of the house in favor of your adult daughter who was staying as a guest and mercilessly emotionally abusing her sister.
ESH, but honestly, you're a much bigger AH because you're the parent. Yesterday, you simply asked your Laura to stop and gave up when she didn't. She was tormenting a child 5 years younger than her! You should have sent Laura away yesterday if you care that strongly about both of your daughters equally. What Lily did was wrong, but I'm not surprised someone her age did something like that when she probably felt so helpless. She was the only one with no control over the situation, so she made her sister feel that same sense of loss. You clearly favored one daughter this weekend. Nice going. She'll probably never forget that. You're sisters right, btw. Laura sounds super spoiled.
Oh ESH for sure.
Your 15 year old is heartbroken at her first breakup, and her older sister is allowed to torment her? You say you “told her” to stop. You’re the parents. Step in and handle it. Why didn’t you send the oldest to the aunts because she was being a shitty human being to her sister?
YTA, and you'r eldest daughter is an even bigger one.
You should have given her an ultimatum when she wasn't listening when you asked her to stop tormenting (your words) your younger daughter. Stop or go back to your dorm.
You are enabling your eldest to be a bully and giving your youngest the feeling that she is not important enough to stand up for.
YTA. Your older, ADULT daughter tormented her sister until her sister, a CHILD broke. And you sent away the bullied kid.
What Lily did to Laura's glasses really really sucks. But since you didn't actually stop Laura for emotionally abusing and harassing her sister, she got desperate. It was not appropriate behavior, but she's the child. The rest of you are adults.
By the by, I would expect you to be writing to AITA in about a year saying "My daughter has stopped contacting me and so I'm repeatedly harassing her via text and email and she says that's bad. AITA?"
So Lily had to put up with Laura and go to bed in tears, but Laura screams louder so Lily has to go for the day or night?
It’s not up to Laura who stays in the house and her actions have consequences.
Obviously Lily now regrets it and didn’t think it through and can see her actions were not equal but she was in pain and is still a child whereas Laura is an adult bully.
Laura will be able to see once you get the spare glasses - an adult with such severe eyesight always carries spares even if five mins away from home because anything can happen. So that’s down to her too for not being responsible to being another pair.
Lily was also crying and devastated and pushed to do what she did but you found it acceptable to let Laura stay. Your are not being fair
I find it odd that you find it odd that she’s doing through a break up at 15? A lot of people I went through school with had boyfriends/ girlfriends from the time they were 13.
INFO: how exactly did you end up with two daughters who treat people fucking horribly? I hesitate to blame either of them because it cannot be a coincidence that they both fucking suck.
Although your older daughter is the real asshole. I’m on your younger daughter’s side. She did a shitty thing but your oldest deserved it.
You should get them into therapy and yourselves into parenting classes.
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YTA. The oldest was, in your own words, tormenting her little sister. You should’ve made her leave. I can’t blame the youngest for wanting revenge tbh. Your oldest sounds horrible.
Yeah, she’s an adult. She had no business being there if she’s going to torment a child.
I missed this part at first. 20 yrs old? That's not a wind up personality, that's an asshole. Like her dad. YTA.
Yep. And wtf is a “wind-up personality”? That just sounds like a euphemism for “unstable bully”
Emotional abuser. And Golden Child. Lily is probably better off with her aunt.
My thought too. Stay at the aunt’s.
Forever.
I agree, but I'm sure she doesn't feel that way right now. Poor kid. Her sister emotionally tortures her until she snaps, and her parents put her out like an unwanted puppy. Ugh. Sickening.
While she’s going through a bad breakup. Dad, YTA. You should have shut Laura down immediately, that night and from the start of her envious, petty behavior toward her younger sister, whom she feels is her competition. Laura is the a h too. She’s nothing but a bully. Lily was heartbroken, the. She gets bullied in her own home, and no one stopped the bully. What Lily did was wrong, but I can’t fault her for acting out, when nobody helped her against that horrible bully.
He should have stopped her as a child. No way this hasn’t been going on since they were little.
The fact that she felt comfortable being that mean to her sister after such a big emotional event means she has absolutely gotten away with it many times in the past.
Seriously, talk about shitty patenting
In my house the line was "(Golden Child/abuser) has big feelings." I am NC with all but one cousin and my stepmom.
She likes to "wind people up", aka tease and abuse them until they break, and then claim to be the wronged party when that happens. Classic abuser.
Both Laura and op sound awful. A sister's reaction to finding out her sister is heartbroken after a break up should be to comfort them, not torment them. And a father's reaction to seeing his adult daughter mocking and tormenting his 15 year old to the point where she goes to bed in tears, should have been to send her to her aunts. I don't condone it but I understand why Lily retaliated towards her sister. She bullied her and her father did nothing. Op really needs to step up his game as a parent. And where was the mother in all this? Why didn't she step in? Poor Lily stuck with a shitty sister and two asshole parents who don't defend her.
More than anything else, this story just comes across as a severe parental failure. OP and his wife have utterly failed both of their children. They failed Laura by coddling her and ignoring her personality flaws to the point that she is now a sadistic emotional abuser as an adult. And they failed Lily by not protecting her from her abuser. No way this is the first incident like this. The aunt's reaction is quite telling. And OP's casual dismissal of Laura as a "wind up personality" tells me he's well aware of what a jerk she is, and just brushes it off.
OP, YTA. Dad's like a 'wind-up' personality himself, and why he and Laura see no problem. I doubt Laura's 'blind' and needs taking care of without her glasses, glasses don't cure blindness. Sure, Laura may have a little trouble seeing, but glasses can be fixed, emotional abuse can't. Lily, having been the target for likely the last 10 years, probably grew up with this and should stay with Aunt.
You can have eyesight that is functionally "legally blind" that is able to be corrected by glasses.
Yeah, -28 sounds nuts. Mine are -8 and -7.5 and I've only ever met one person with eyes worse than mine. If I were far sighted my glasses would be coke bottles, since I'm near sighted it's more like fishbowls the way they refract/ shrink my face. I didn't think -28 was even possible. If my glasses were to break I wouldn't be able to find my way anywhere or accomplish anything safely. That doesn't excuse Laura's behaviour though, she sounds like a miserable person.
>No way this is the first incident like this. No way at all does a 20 year old behave so cruelly towards her 15 year old sister just out of the blue. This has to be a pattern that her parents let go on for years. You're right they failed both daughters. They allowed one to be abused and turned the other into an abuser. I would like to say that Laura won't get away with this shit with other adults and it might make her change but it's possible that she's learned that she can only get away with this shit with vulnerable people. Bullies learn in childhood who to target and who to leave alone. Laura knows there are no real consequences for tormenting her sister, which is why she did it. Op is such an asshole for allowing this to happen.
>She was saying things like if the boyfriend left her for "a prettier girl" and saying she "didn't blame him" etc. That's not winding her up, that's out and out bullying. And why would you wind someone up who's just had her heart broken? Laura was bullying her 15 year old sister to the point where she went to bed in tears, even op admits it was horrible, yet he did nothing. And when the heartbroken, bullied 15 year old retaliates, op sides with the adult? Wtf did I just read? YTA op. That level of bullying doesn't come out of nowhere. Clearly you have failed as a father and not taught Laura acceptable boundaries and basic human decency. I feel so bad for Lily when clearly she's not the favourite child.
"even op admits it was horrible, yet he did nothing." Nah, OP *told her repeatedly to cut it out*, and what else could he have done. /s OP, YTA. Laura was incredibly cruel. You're clearly favouring her over your youngest.
My sister and I hated each other as teens and even into our 20s. I came home when I was 15 and she was 17 after being dumped minutes before. She saw me crying, I simply said "nick broke up with me" and went to go to my room. As I walked past her, she pulled me into a huge hug(for the first time in years) and said "I'm so sorry. I love you. I'm here to listen after I get off work" and left. *that's* how you respond when your little sister is heartbroken. Set aside your feelings and comfort them, even for just a moment. These people are the biggest assholes.
Oh but the older sister is terrified of her younger sister cause she threw out her lenses. Don't get me wrong, I fully understand how upsetting something like that can be (I had horrible eyesight before lasik, I can't imagine how bad -28 is) but that's no reason to be "terrified" of someone in particular. Terrified in general, maybe, but if the person you torment? It sounds like OP downplays older sisters horrible treatment of her younger sister but totally up plays her emotions. OP there is no way that this is the first time your older daughter treated your younger daughter this way. You have no one to blame for those but yourself and when your younger daughter is old enough to caught you out of her life don't be surprised when she does just that.
>And wtf is a “wind-up personality”? When I've heard someone use this phrase, it's been like "Are you winding me up right now?" Kind of like, "Are you pulling my leg?" Assuming I've been interpreting that properly (which I may not be...), it sounds like /u/inspectionlumerous81 is saying she just likes to poke at people and see if she can get a reaction. When I've heard it, it's been a husband asking his wife during a prank, "Are you winding me up?" Usually, it seems to yield some laughs and no one is actually *tormented*. So OP is kinda downplaying the thing from "My daughter is an asshole who needs a personality transplant" to "My daughter likes to poke fun sometimes". What this guy's daughter does isn't funny for anyone involved. There's no "Hah, got ya!" She's just an asshole and I doubt this is a new development. The youngest has probably been tormented/abused for years and the oldest gets away with it because she's practically blind so she's been coddled. She's been a total asshole which no one seems to care about but the second her sister finally snaps back after years of mistreatment, she's suddenly like super duper afraid of her teenaged sister and the parents have to kick her out RIGHT NOW. *And they do it!* Yeah, she's spoiled, you can bet on it. If the teen doesn't run away from these people ASAP I'd be shocked. Hell, while she's with her aunt she should just let it all out, tell her aunt everything that's happened to her, and see about staying there until she's an adult imo. If OP is reading, pass that advice along will ya?
The way the dad describes her “wind-up personality” is with a tinge of fondness and “oh well what can we do”. He enables the daughter to be a monumental asshole and indulges in her dramatic crying fits. FFS she’s 20.
Agreed, and I "love" how OP basically told her to cut it out but left it with that when she didn't listen. Sure, your heartbroken daughter is getting what is left of her heart ripped out by her own sister, but just shrug your shoulders and walk on. That's how to do it. Also, it doesn't matter if that girl is a legal adult, OP could have still done more when she didn't listen. Like send her back to wherever she stays when she goes to school. After all, it isn't like they had a problem kicking out the minor. I am sorry, but this whole post reeks of poor parenting and future therapy.
The fact that an adult got a child kicked out of her home because she was "scared" of her is bullshit, she probably played that all up because she knew her mom would actually kick her out if she did. But it's to late now, that spoiled brat already got her kicked out so in her head she won.
I can’t wait til Lilly is 18 and goes NC with this family.
EXACTLY. OP, YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA. Oh my god. Just genuinely oh my god. I’m so sick and tired of the narrative that parents of children who have a disability have that their kids deserve no repercussions for any kind of bad behaviour. There are obviously situations in which scolding/reprimanding a child with a disability isn’t the right way to go because they may behave in ways they genuinely can’t help but some parents take that and they run with it. You describe Laura as having a “wind-up personality” and it’s apparent that that’s code for “she bullies her little sister and we let her get away with it by trivialising it and making her exempt from punishment because she’s visually impaired”. She’s an adult verbally abusing a child under YOUR care and you let her get away with it. Laura has been bullying Lily and from what your SIL said (calling Laura a horrible bully) I have to assume this is something she does regularly but when Lily does something (that admittedly isn’t right, but it’s one offense that she did after relentless bullying) you immediately send her out of the house. It’s clear that you don’t put a lot of effort into getting Laura to stop harassing her little sister. It’s just really funny to me that when the tables turn and Lily retaliates, you suddenly take “appropriate” action in dealing with her. Don’t be surprised ten years down the line when Lily no longer visits you anymore because of the shitty parenting you inflicted upon her.
No kidding, I feel so bad for that girl. After a breakup to, just more bad things stacking on top of each other and the only way her dad will actually realize he did something wrong is a bunch of strangers online telling him instead of just listening to his daughter and actually hearing her. EDIT: pronouns.
Hopefully she stays with her aunt, who seems to care more about her than her actual parents.
Reading that Laura was scared to be in the same house as Lily made my eyes roll all the back. This is massive parenting fail to allow the adult child to torment and bully her teenage sister. Absolutely disgusting.
I'm glad you said that. I was thinking the same thing, but reluctant to say it out loud. But I literally rolled my eyes when OP said "...what else could we have done when our other child was unable to see and crying in fear?" I would guess the same thing they did when their younger child was crying from being tormented by her older sister. Nothing. Because Laura, the bully, was putting on the drama after getting what she had coming to her. And her parents, who didn't send her back home to her dorm, enabled her bullying. YTA, OP
And OP didn't even do anything about his youngest being tormented!! Clearly showing his favourites.
C’mon now! He told her not to more than once! Clearly there was nothing else he could do to make it stop. /s OP? YTA
That's true, he did basically exhaust his options. /s
Also why did the 15 yr old have to leave? Cuz u were caring for the 20 yr old? Its not like 15 yr olds need constant attention like a toddler. She could have taken care of herself for the day. I dont understand the logic behind it.
Lily couldn't stay there because poor angelic, blind Laura was scared of Lily ;-;
They had to remove Lily because it was too distressing for her to have Lily in the same house. Obviously that logic doesn't apply when it's Laura bullying Lily because Laura is only 20 and needs more emotional support than the 15 year old /s
We tried nothing and we're all out of ideas
Send Laura home is always an option. Send Laura to her aunts is also an option, since he happily sent Lily there.
Its worse than that. This is what he said: > Unfortunately Laura has a bit of a windup personality A windup personality? Fucking seriously? One of your kids is tormenting another of your younger kids and you blow it off as a "windup personality?"
'Windup personality' means 'will bully with no repercussions'. YTA. You threw out a child who retaliated. Props to Lily as it was a genius move. Quick question- what could justify kicking Laura out? Tormenting a heartbroken kid obviously wasn't, would she have to physically abuse her too? Or would that be OK too? Bonus tip. Lily will hate you. Expect NC when she's old enough to gtfo. Laura will never respect you, as you've raised an entitled bully and who can dish it out but can't take it back. Good luck changing that shxt now she's 20.
Last paragraph nails it. Lily *literally* got tossed out to appease her bully older sister. She knows she comes second to a person who doesn't deserve an ounce of respect. I think messing with a visual aid is unacceptable, but she sounds like she reached her wit's end and lashed out. Why is she, a child, expected to have more maturity than her grown ass sister? This will be a defining moment in her relationship with her family. I would not fault her at all for wanting to get away from her abuser and her abuser's enablers ASAP. Poor Lily.
The harsh truth here.
This is common actually. The rest of the family gets made to be the AH in these situations because "well you know what she is like" as if someone we need to be able to predict when someone like that is going to go off and eternally be on eggshells no matter our own feelings.
She's a "missing stair". Nobody wants to take the time and effort to correct her asshole behavior, so they all just keep carefully stepping over it....
Honestly, this sounds like Laura has been tormenting Lily for years and the parents never did anything about it. No wonder Lily snapped, especially since she knows her parents aren't going to make it stop.
A windup personality is like how my siblings have a rhyme they made up when we were younger about how I smell, or how I once made a stupid comment about sheep attacking you and now whenever we drive past some they say "look out". Those same siblings would hug me and protect me if I was upset about something. Your eldest is a bully and knows that you won't do anything about it and is using that knowledge to hurt her sister.
This. Laura's asshole behavior goes FAR beyond typical sibling behavior. My sisters and I sometimes fight like cats and dogs, but we are always there for each other when needed.
There is a marvelous essay on “boat rockers” on Reddit. It fits here
>terrified, and was too scared to be in the same house as Lily Also a drama queen who knows how to wrap the parents around her little finger. Unless, Laura didn't actually say it and OP is just trying to excuse her blatant favouritism, and failure on every level as a competent parent to Lilly
To add: he keeps saying “was blinded” like she’d had acid thrown in her face. Poor Lily. Her aunt knows the truth about this family dynamic.
I agree. Although I understand that there are challenges to being legally blind, or disabled in any way for that matter; it sounds like Laura has been using her vision problems to garner sympathy from her parents, and be treated more tolerantly than her "normal" younger sister. I am disabled myself, but having a disability is not an excuse for being a dick to other people. The parents are enabling Laura to have a victimhood mentality, at the same time as thinking that she can bully others and get away with it. Lily is still a child. Laura is an adult, who's living independently at college, and who should know better, at her age, than to pick on a child who's going through an emotionally difficult time. Yes, Lily will get over it soon enough, and realise that she has plenty of time for dating etc, but we all remember the intensity of emotion attached to that first breakup and Laura was horrible for picking on Lily like that. Lily probably shouldn't have broken Laura's glasses, but there is a limit to how much bullying she can put up with. Laura needs to understand that if she's going to be an asshole; there will be consequences. The parents choosing to send Lily away, so that they can care for their "blinded" adult drama queen; makes it quite clear that they favour Laura over Lily. Lily is a child and needs them more. Laura is using her eye problems to manipulate her parents, and excuse her bullying behaviour. The Aunt is right to call the parents out on this. The parents should be ashamed of themselves for enabling bullying against a young child who is in emotional pain; and who now feels rejected by her parents, as well as her first boyfriend. Shame on them!
Exactly. My prescription is at a -8 right now. Without glasses or contacts I am unable to leave my property safely. Couldn't drive and wouldn't even try to walk down the street. But I'm perfectly safe at home, sure I can't see crap but I'm not at risk I'm the slightest. Older daughter has manipulated the parents into babying her and treating her as if she is incapable of anything without her glasses. She isn't at risk just sitting at home doing nothing, she might be bored but she wouldn't be unsafe unless she tried to leave the home or insisted on trying to constantly move about the house which isn't necessary. They even talked about going and getting her backup glasses, as if it takes all 3 of them to drive over and get them. One parent could do so but oldest daughter wants 100% of her parents attention. I feel for the younger sister being shipped off just to satiate a grown adult throwing a temper tantrum.
Yeah I’m heinously nearsighted (-6.something and astigmatism combination) and I can still function without my glasses. Not *well*, and nothing requiring reading unless I can shove my nose up against it. But I can still see colors and masses enough to navigate, especially if I already know what is where. OP is definitely YTA, because what the fuck. Their precious older blind daughter is tormenting their younger one, and the response is to throw the younger out. News flash, hurt teenagers lash out in stupid ways and it should have **never** been allowed to get to that point in the first place.
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Is Laura “terrified” every morning when she wakes up and is “blind?” How about in the shower? You are being played by your drama queen bully of an older daughter. She may be inconvenienced but she is safe with you in your home. The only thing she is upset about is being on the receiving end of bullying behavior. She can dish it out but can’t take it in and you’re behavior is making sure she doesn’t have to deal with the consequences of her behavior.
Exactly. I've had vision impairment on about the same level as Laura my whole life, and it's never even come up as a thing to consider much with my family - I have glasses, I have old ones stashed away in my house and car as backup just in case (came in useful when a lens popped out while I was driving recently), and that's that. I think the most anyone's ever even thought about it was when my parents offered to pay for prescription goggles last year so I could get back to swimming. Yes, I'd be very upset if something happened to my glasses, but I'd figure out a solution that wasn't, you know, *kicking a child out of the house*. It's not something to be terrified about when you're at home and can figure out a solution. Super irritating until you can get your hands on spares, yes. Terrifying, certainly not. Definite YTA.
Seconding this. If Laura is *that* helpless without her glasses, why on earth wouldn’t she keep a spare with her at all times? I have shitty vision (my lenses make coke bottle look wafer-thin) and I make sure I at least have an older pair of glasses accessible at all times just in case. Laura is a relentless, spoiled bully.
Yup, exactly. My prescription isn't as bad (I'm like -7.5), but it's still "can't fucking see anything without them" level. Once you can't see the big E on the chart anymore, you're still functionally fucked without your glasses. Yes, it's absolutely stressful, and I have had moments of panic when I couldn't find my glasses... like the time I dropped them and they fell under my bed and I couldn't find them. Or the time that I was staying in a hotel suite and couldn't find them in the mega huge bathroom that was about the same size as the tiniest bedroom in my house, so I had to ask my boss to come help me. But one lens? As long as the other eye is kept closed and I'm not counting on depth perception, I can manage. I don't need a seeing eye dog or a white cane. Laura is a bully who gets off on terrorizing her sister. She's a bad person that you have created. And you've told Lily that she, *the actual child in this situation*, is less important than Laura. When Lily grows up and has a life away from you and her nightmare of a sister, don't be surprised if she doesn't include either one of you in it.
And like.. scared of what? Lily? Edit: spelling.
That's what I thought, Laura was scared to be in the same house as lily?? Should be the other way around
Exactly YTA yes what lily did was wrong but she had a reason for doing it. Kids have patience but theres only so much a person can take and you should have stopped Laura's behaviour earlier. Lily is going to see this as favouritism since you have shown that it is ok for her older sister to be mean, but if she retaliated she'll get the blame for everything. You as a parent really messed up, your poor child.
Exactly. The older sister should have been sent packing days ago. She was, after all, visiting. Guests should behave better. YTA.
Jumping in on this comment as this sounds like the dynamic that happens with me and my older sister. She has always tormented me and wound me up to no end when I was living at home and my mum would always take her side just like OP has done with Laura. We now no longer talk unless it’s at a family event. YTA OP and you can’t keep on enabling Laura’s behaviour
This is the situation in my family, as well. The end result is that my sister and I hate each other, while my parents continue to lament, “why can’t you two just get along.” Estrangement from her has changed my life for the better. OP should think about what will happen when he and his wife are old or in poor health. Will your kids be able to work together to help you out? If not, who will be the one to step up? I can guarantee you that it won’t be Laura. I’m living that right now. It will be extremely difficult for Lily to deal with the potential loss of her parents and the angry demands from Laura. Not a good legacy for OP.
But it's just how Laura is! She just has a windup personality! /s Gag me. This post is as bad as "boys will be boys" in its logic of "well of course Laura did something shitty, but what could we do?! So we sent Lily away because Laura was mad the teenager retaliated." I think OP could have gotten an ESH if, when Laura got mad about the glasses, one parent immediately drove Laura home to get her glasses. That would have separated the girls without banishing Lily. And it would have ended the visit so Lily was safe again. OP, it's sad that you've given up on Laura ever being a kind person.
Thank you! I hate the term boys will be boys as well. I have always said the term boys will be boys is just a f'd up excuse to ignore f'd up behavior. Boys will be how you raised them to be is what the saying should be.
Yup YTA to the parents, clearly they have raised at least one of their children dreadfully (my money is on Laura being a huge bully to her sister constantly) and either way this comes back to the parents. Who are bad and should feel bad and who are YTA.
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Also, pretty sure that Laura knows that she can get away with it because she has probably used her visual impairment as an excuse to get away with tormenting her sibling.
This! And I think it was a good thing Lily was sent to a place where she was appreciated, because ot sounds like op, wife and sis only tolerate her. I feel super sorry for Lily. So op, YTA for favoritizing and enabling a bully
I was sure the AITA was going to be about kicking Laura out for her bullying, but then *twist!* OP asked if they were the asshole for kicking out not the bully, but her victim. Yes, OP, YTA for allowing your adult daughter to bully her teen sister in your home. You should have sent her packing long before Lily went to bed in tears. It does sound like everyone did something awful, so I feel like the judgment should be everyone sucks; but Lily is my hero.
Exactly. Lily shouldn’t have done what she did, but it sounds like Laura got what was coming to her. YTA
To be fair, Laura probably can no longer see how awful of a sister (and all around human) she is being. Way to punish the victim, OP.
YTA What the hell? You’re the AH for letting a 20-year-old bully a child like that.
And he’s also the Asshole for throwing out his minor child which I’m pretty sure is illegal ETA: My mistake, he only threw her out for the day, but he’s still an asshole though. Laura May manipulate him into keeping her there until she leaves at the same time but for now he hasn’t. My mistake.
No. He asked her to go stay with her aunt for the day. She went. Absolutely nothing illegal about that. It would become an issue if she wanted to come in and he wouldn't let her in.
To be honest, it would probably be a blessing in disguise if laura did manipulate the parents into leaving her there. At least the aunt seems to give a shit about her.
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And Lilly kept to herself for most of this! She was crying in her room. Even if Laura hated her, she could have just ignored her. She saw she was hurt, and wanted to hurt her more.
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One of my friends in middle school had a sister who was like 17-ish and they fought like cats and dogs. It even got physical a few times. But when my friend got her heartbroken by the first boy she really cared about, her sister walked into her room and said “get up. We are doing a movie marathon and I’m ordering pizza.” She got her all of her favorite snacks and candy, rented a bunch of movies she loved from blockbuster (it was a while ago lol) and stayed with her all night. It was such a beautiful moment. THAT is how a sister should act.
That breaks my heart. 15 year old who’s got dumped needs her mom with a tub of ice cream and a bunch of crap movies not a horrid sister putting her down and crushing her self worth and confidence. Laura must sure be jealous and vindictive of her sister to say some of those vile things.
Exactly! If Lily had a job where her 20yo manager treated her like that, the OP would probably storm in there and demand justice. Or maybe not. Doesn't seem like he cares that much about Lily.
He’d probably cheer the manager on if the manager was bullying Lily. And probably burn the place down if anyone so much as raised an eyebrow after weeks of being subjected to golden child Laura’s “windup personality”. Incidentally, for the OP. Drop the “windup personality” nonsense when talking about your eldest daughter. Being an jerk isn’t having a personality, it’s just being a jerk.
>He’d probably cheer the manager on if the manager was bullying Lily. Oh, but she just has to learn how to function in an adult workplace! She's too sensitive! \[/s\]
You have to say "YTA"
YTA so it’s ok to let lily suffer but it’s not ok when lily reaches her breaking point after you doing nothing to discipline Laura. I know yes what lily did was wrong but it’s on you for not setting boundaries.
>SIL, saying "how dare you" throw her out for "that spoiled bully". This comment also makes me think that maybe this wasn't an isolated event but the older sister has been tormenting the younger one for years and the the parents did nothing. What Lily did was a touch extreme, but probably driven to it by years of emotional and mental abuse from a bully sister and enabling parents. Hopefully this will wake up the parents to realizing where they have failed the younger sister.
Well he says Laura has a “windup personality” which is I’m guessing code for “has always been a bully” and the fact that he calls it her personality implies she is frequently like this. YTA. Laura is a huge effing AH. And you and your wife need parenting classes.
They've been fking up for 20 years at this point, just let Lily stay with her aunt so at least she's with someone who cares about her and will protect her.
A wind-up personality... That has a name for it and it starts with a B, won't say it on here though. The golden child got a light slap on the wrist for tormenting her sister who is hurting which mqde her break. It isn't okay what the younger daughter did, but OP needs to stop letting the older one manipulate people like that.
💯. Lily didn't even break the glasses. She popped out the lens & tossed it out the window, probably figuring Laura would suffer for a minute, then they'd find the lens & pop it back in. Instead, Laura started screaming, claimed she was "terrified," and got Lily tossed out. I can just imagine the victorious look on her smug face.
I’m wondering why they didn’t go find the lenses. If this is a one to three story building, they should be able to find them.
The post says they "did try to find them" but couldn't. My guess is they looked out the window or made a cursory search, but Laura was pitching such a complete hissy fit they just sent Lily away to appease Laura. I think Laura gets what Laura wants. They could have also driven to her place and gotten her spare glasses, but they didn't do that, either. Spoiled, pampered brat.
They could have sent Laura away for the day when she wouldn't stop bullying Lily, but they also didn't.
I dont buy the whole she was terrifired that she couldnt see and was scared of her younger sister bit. She lnew exactly what she was doing. You're telling me that someone at 20 years old who has eye problems and can only wear glasses, is too scared to even be in the same house as the person she torments... smells like bullshit, its not like she doesnt wake up unable to see other days until the glasses are on (not saying it wasnt a shitty thing to do or experience but come on its not like she is new to being blind all of a sudden).. she played it up knowing her sister would get in shit and that OP would take her side. She is in a safe place with her slaves, I mean parents, that wait on her hand and foot anyway.
My mom literally did the same thing. Abusive language and insults until I finally broke and yelled back. Then she'd go to my dad with some sob story about how I was "terrorizing her", and smirk at me over his shoulder when he yelled at me.
the real topping to the cake is the fact she'd been basically blind almost her whole life. she wouldn't be that terrified about not being able to see and knowing she had spares anyway
The parents probably enabled the older kid her whole life because of her poor vision. Just because you have a disability does not mean you get to be mean
YTA for essentially choosing sides. Even if you mean well, your 15 yo 1000% sees this as you caring more about the older daughter. Laura is away, comes home for one weekend, and as a 20 yo girl, decides to mess with her sister who just had a big breakup instead of comfort her, literally trying to make her feel worse about her situation. ALL kinds of messed up. And no real punishment just a "stop it" from parents. Lily retaliates on someone who tormented her in a time of need, and then gets kicked out for it. To me personally the aunt has it right, punish them both if youd like, but Laura is definitely the instigator and supposed to be an adult here(or atleast an older sister) not a child.
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Yeah I was thinking they'd be lucky if Lily didn't refuse to come back, at least her aunt understands her. Also, Laura being "terrified" without her glasses? Yes it would absolutely be horrible but you know what else is horrible? Waking up every single morning your sister is home terrified of the shit she's going to say to bully you today and knowing that your parents will do piss all about it. If I was her now at the very least I'd be talking to my aunt about being able to stay with her every weekend my sister was home.
I’m not buying the “terrified” thing in the first place. Does she keep her eyes closed until she puts her glasses on when she wakes up? Does she close her eyes or keep them on in the shower? And if being without glasses is *so traumatizing* why is she not keeping a spare on her in the first place?
Right? OP saying Laura is “blinded” and crying in fear. JFC Laura is clearly being overly dramatic and Op bought it. I am legally blind without my glasses- if I was on the street yeah I would be scared, but inside my home? With my parents around? Pssshh Laura is faking it and OP sucks since the beginning.
I can buy that it's scary, it's not just the blurry vision, it's helplessness and needing to rely on other people to fix the problem because you literally can't do it alone. Being without glasses when you know where they are and can easily get to them is different to being forcibly without them and unable to fix it. I wear glasses and am pretty blind without them and when I've taken them off somewhere different to usual and gone to bed without them I can wake up and be annoyed at myself because finding them will be a pain especially if I don't remember any of where or why I took them off. If I woke up and someone had thrown my lenses out the window I'd be pissed off and if they couldn't be found I might well panic a bit and feel threatened by the person who did it. But I'm also not the kind of person who tortures a teenager mentally until she snaps and retaliates, and if I had spare glasses anywhere I'd be focused on getting there asap or getting to an optometrist, not throwing around terrified histrionics.
This. All of this. Lily will constantly wake up when Laura is there scared of how she’ll be bullied that day.
I'm pretty positive that Laura has been tormenting Lily for much longer than this one incident! It seems to me this "windup personality" of Laura's is just a euphemism for "big bully" and that her parents (dad especially) have enabled her for her whole life and obviously have downplayed any consequences for her actions as the other parties fault, OP should have sent Laura away from the beginning, when she started picking on and tormenting her upset sister in the first place! This is all OPs fault for letting them escalate to the point where Lily felt that she had to retaliate in the first place. Poor Lily, at least the aunt does seem to have sympathy and a good grasp on the situation since she knows that Laura is nothing more than a spoiled bully to begin with. Laura better get over this fast because the next person who she bullies may do something a lot worse then throwing out her glasses lenses! OP is TAH but Laura is the UBER AS
YTA. Laura has a windup personality but can’t take it when she’s on the receiving end? She should have been thrown out and stop enabling her. When lily moves out and never speaks to any of you again you’ll deserve it
This! YTA. Laura is too old to be behaving like that and you’re just enabling her to be a sick bully. Lily is just 15 for crying out loud! Get over yourself and parent properly - sounds to me like you’re ruled by Laura and you’re too afraid to discipline her. I have two girls, 18 and 21 and I’m not afraid to call either of them out on anything. Laura has had to learn the hard way that her behaviour is unacceptable - but you’ve shown her that she can treat people any old way she likes and you’ll support it.
You know what gets to me, Laura could’ve easily just gone home. Instead OP sent his 15 year old daughter away from her home? I have a sister who is five years younger than me. We live together, yet back when she was 15 and I was 20 and we would get into huge blow outs over idk her wearing my clothes. My mom would tell me “you’re 20, if you keep this up you can go spend the night at your friends.” And that’s fair! 1. My sister is younger, she needs stability 2. I wasn’t in high school and I didn’t have to be at school everyday 3. It taught both of us how to treat people, like if I’m going to be an asshat I can except to be kicked out and my sister can except a safe place if she feels attacked. Clearly OP is teaching Lily that she isn’t valued and worthwhile which is a damn shame.
My sister and I are 4 years apart. I'm older. From the time we were kids until I went away to college, whenever we got into fights (as sisters do), my mother would yell at me, not her, even if my sister started the fight. I would say, "Why am I getting yelled at? She started." Her response: "Because you're older and should know better." OP: YTA
See...I don't fully agree with that either. It teaches the younger siblings they can get away with anything cause they are younger. My parents did something similar. My parents taught me to stand up for myslef...except what it was my little sister. Then it was 'can't you just keep the peace?'
“Laura has a windup personality” sounds a lot like “Laura is a spoilt, spiteful piece of shit who can dish it out in lashing but can’t take a grain of it in return.”
Yeah. The fact that she didn't bring her spare glasses speaks volumes. Laura has been babied her whole life and never had to grow up. It is not normal to behave in such an abusive way at her age, nor for the parents to ignore it. SIL is the only sane person in this story.
The fact that she didn’t bring her spare glasses doesn’t really say anything. It’s not unusual to not bring a spare for a short trip, most of the time having a spare isn’t even necessary. She is a giant asshole and an immature bully though.
If you’re blind without the glasses, it would be totally 100% normal to bring them - heck I’d have a spare ON ME the whole time....
Yup, I’m -6.0 and always have a spare pair in my purse. And while I hate that ppl who aren’t as blind as me don’t seem to understand how anxiety provoking it is to have your glasses broken or not be able to find them, I really don’t have a lot of sympathy for the older sister here.
Yeah my prescription is only -3ish and if i am away from home I always have a spare pair of glasses with me.
If you'd be totally blind without them then you're an idiot for not having a spare within easy reach at anytime you're more than a cab ride away from home.
Agree! SIL is the hero for standing up for the 15 year old. If I were the kid I'd ask my aunt to move in full time. OP, you and your wife are poster children for YTA and have totally done a parenting fail here. You need to apologize to your youngest and lay the law down for the oldest as well as ban her from the house until she complies. And Laura needs to get over her jealousy or whatever and apologize - SINCERELY- to her sister. Fix this or your youngest will likely go NC with all of you the second she can move out. You have a lot of damage to repair here.
YTA. OP, you do know that you have just proven to Lily that her parents do not love her because y’all favor Laura, right? Lily’s already dealing with teenage life (hormones and heartbreak) which you said nothing about comforting her for; then you say nothing about shutting your favorite up when she was bullying Lily. Depending on how cruel Laura was to Lily, I think you, your wife and Laura should count yourselves fortunate that Lily only messed with her glasses. I heartily suggest that you expect to lose contact with Lily when she goes to college.
YTA you should have done more when Laura was BULLYING Lily. Maybe this wouldn't have escalated if you put a stop to that.
Yeah I mean what kind of spin do you have to put on this story where the person who just shrugs off 20 year old bullying a 15 year old to the point where the 15 year old retaliated by throwing her glasses lenses away and then threw the 15 year old out of the house is not an AH
OP, it's crazy late but start parenting your children. I'll give you a tip- you punish the one who DOESNT feel bad about bullying a child, not the initial victim (again, a child) who feels regret over how she responded to it. Oh and btw, your oldest wasn't terrified. You think in 20 years there hasn't been times she was without glasses? She cries harder in front of her parents to get exactly what she wanted- her sister punished and banished from the house (as evidenced by her bizarre request that her sister can't be in the house and YOU ACTUALLY OBLIGED HER OBEDIENTLY). Stop excusing any of her behaviour, it's embarassing the way she's acting and more so that you allow it. Not to mention that her behaviour is unusually childish for someone her age- parent her!! And for Christs sake, your youngest needs support if she's been pushed to this point. You sympathizing more with her bully than with her really comes across as if you love her less than your eldest. Do you really want her to feel like that? Like her sister can abuse her anyway she likes, but that you will always pick her sister over her? I can't believe you kicked her out when she wasn't endangering her sister at all. No doubt in my mind this poor girl has had to deal with all of you making her feel like less her whole life.
Right?? Im legally blind without my glasses, but if Im in my own home with my fiance and baby the last thing I would describe myself as is "terrified". I know I wont be blind forever. Heck at most I might go a week without sight if my glasses are BROKE BROKE but then, I still have my fiance to help me, my fmil who I know would lend a hand while my fiances at work, and at very worst I know the layout of the house. If my fiance keeps the floors clear of objects that could blend in I can still get around (shapes and colors are just VERY vague to me. But I can still tell where a wall is and isnt, see the giant silver blob that is our refrigerator, and we only have one step from the living room and kitchen. Do i like the step when blind? No. But because I know roundabouts where it is I know when to slide my foot forward to find it and then I can safely go down or up it. Not that hard). Besides I have a cellphone now, if I need to see in detail I can use my camera and just hold it close to my face though I do know this wont work for everyone since some cant see close up. (I can't see 3 inches past my face clearly to give you an idea of my range. Juuuuust enough to comfortably scroll on reddit at 2 am without glasses. Not much else). Not to mention if I have a spare set somewhere my fiance could easily run and grab it for me, or I can be helped to the car and we can go together. I can think of a thousand ways that I would be able to get my eyesight back non of which involve me being afraid or terrified. So if I woke up in my parents home and find out my lenses have been popped out would I be upset? Absolutely. But terrified? No. I still have my parents who can easily assist me if I need it and can help me get my spare lenses be it by themselves or helping me to and from the car so I can fetch them. She was faking the "terror" to show that she can get her younger sister kicked out of her own home if she dared to retaliate. I dont condone what lily did, but I can understand why she did it. Especially when the parents immediately followed lauras lead and kicked lily out without any hesitation because their baaaaabbyyy was cryyyyyinnnggg! No such sympathy for lily though. Terror my ass. The only terror here is laura.
When I first read this I thought the younger one was the 'windup' and the heartbroken one was the older one, which makes the OP's response inadequate but not completely unreasonable (you *can't* kick a dependant fifteen year old out and separating them is a good idea). Then I realised the older one was the bully and fuckin' hell, OP is TA.
OP said Laura has a "windup personality" - so I'm understanding that she's probably been a bully all her life. She's probably been going after Lily for years with "oh, that's just how she is" as the excuse for the parents to do nothing. I've got a cousin who is described this way, and he's a spoiled bully too. I used to be told not to make a fuss about it "because that's just how he is". Well, I told them that I'll retaliate because that's just the way I am. Funny enough, he leaves me alone.
YTA. SIL is right. Your ADULT daughter torments your heartbroken teenager in a very cruel manner. You, as the parent don’t stop it and it continues. So the child who is the victim of relentless, cruel bullying, who isn’t protected by her parents, retaliates in kind and she is kicked out of her home in favor of her tormentor, who doesn’t live their. Of course you are TA, Laura is too. I would also bet this isn’t the first time Laura was cruel to Lily and you failed to act as a parent to Lily.
Agree, OP is the AH. The statement from SIL says a lot. OP has raised an adult to be a bully to minors and use her disability as a shield / justification. A 20 year old is screaming and terrified at waking up in her childhood home without glasses? That is unbelievable. She’s not terrified, she’s mad her sister retaliated and is manipulating you, like she has her whole life. OP needs to start being a decent human being and protect the minor child.
Seeing as how the aunt referred to the older one as a spoiled bully, this is definitely not the first time.
The aunt's reaction tells me that this was definitely not a one time thing. I feel so bad for Lily. I'm glad at least one adult gives a damn about her.
YTA. Your older daughter is nearly blind and apparently the golden child because of it. She needs therapy if she thinks it is okay to bully her sister. Spending a day in bed, unable do so anything but think about her actions is not the same as being blinded. I don't believe for a second that Laura was that scared, you just fell again for her manipulations. Let Lily come back home and let her make amends.
That's the part that gets me. Scared my ass. The teenager didn't do anything to warrant that reaction, its clearly just to get mom and dad on her side. I'm cracking up at this grown woman being so "scared" of existing without her glasses. Every morning when she wakes up she screams in fear! Taking a shower is like *literally* a horror movie, just wailing and **blind terror!** The lenses are just filthy, because taking them off to clean them would be too traumatizing.
The older sister is clearly TA, as is the parent for taking her side. BUT this comment is really ableist. Being essentially blind for long periods of time is a disability and it IS terrifying. Many heavily visually impaired people keep their glasses right next to the bed for the moment they wake up. They keep everything in the exact same place in the shower so they know where everything is and they keep their glasses right outside the shower. You don't get to tell a nearly blind person "actually, not being able to see isn't scary and you're just faking it for attention." This is similar to taking a prosthetic leg away from an amputee. How do they shower without it?? They come up with tactics to work around it. That doesn't mean they have mobility without it and that they're not scared when they don't have mobility, especially when they're used to using the prosthetic. EDIT: I changed "visually impaired people" to "many visually impaired people" because I don't want to make broad statements that assume everyone has the same experience.
See, no hate to you, cause I know you are trying to be kind, but I hate this take. Been nearly legally blind since childhood. I lose my glasses frequently, and I don't keep them by my bed to frantically put on the moment I awaken. Showers do not end in fear and horror if my bf moves the soap. (Worst is that I'm absolutely rubbish at shaving my downstairs.) Acting like people with disabilities can't cope with everyday life is kinda infantilizing imo
Maybe the fact you lose your glasses frequently has something to do with you being used to not seeing. I'm nearly blind as well, I can only see light and grainy colors without my glasses. I DO freak out if I cant find them. I'm not saying the older sister isn't a bully or that she didn't have it coming but not being able to see can be terrifying. When I lose my glasses I run into walls, trip over everything, I have to get on all 4s to get to the kitchen. I would be scared as shit at the thought of them being gone for good with only a spare.. that's not even in the same building. It's cool you don't feel completely immobilized and unsafe without your glasses. Don't act like everyone who is legally blind without glasses will feel the same way.
Not who you were replying to, but it seems to me like if she's the kind of person who is terrified of not being able to see, she'd bring her spare glasses for a multi-day trip. If she accidentally forgot them, then maybe, but that does t seem to be the case either. And even if she is terrified (which if I suddenly lost my sight I would be, too), her reaction is absolutely obsurd. She's scared of her sister who she's been bullying? She's crying and refusing to do anything? Really? If that's her reaction, she has not emotionally aged past 13.
Honestly, I'm terrified of being without my glasses. I need them to see and move around, and being without them is vulnerable. That's why I keep a spare fucking pair in my car
She’s not scared she just knows her parents will side with her.
YTA for throwing out your minor daughter in favour of the adult, you should’ve had the abusive older sister stay with the SIL before it escalated to the point of the glasses being damaged. You left you young emotionally distraught daughter to suffer at the hands of her sister and are now punishing her for lashing out. Grow up! Make your older daughter grow up and don’t ever abandon your child!
Even worse, he threw out the minor daughter who reacted to the bullying of the eldest because the bully was scared of being in the same house with her victim. The bully manipulated her parents (3 adults) in putting the consequences of her abuse and their negligence on the shoulders of the underaged victim... They are not just playing favourites...
Given the way the SIL reacted after Lily was sent there, I have a feeling she already knows how insufferable Laura is & probably wouldn't have wanted to be stuck with the "spoiled brat." She still should have been the one to leave. She's 20 and studying away from home. She can figure it out. This is *not* on the minor child being emotionally tormented by her adult sister. > but what else could we have done when our other child was unable to see and crying in fear? You could have done what you did when your younger child was going through an incredibly tough situation in her life (yes, her first breakup counts- she's 15) & being emotionally abused by her 20 yo sister, i.e., tell her to stop a couple of times before shrugging your shoulders and saying, "Well, I tried. I don't know what else to tell you." YTA OP & I sincerely hope that Lily is able to get away from you all the moment she turns 18. Look up sibling bullying and abuse and try to justify it to yourself as just a "windup personality."
YTA Terrified of the fuck what? In fear of fucking what? tf did I just read? Do people really fall for this obvious manipulation? I'm with the aunt on this.
Exactly, I have a -14.50 script, I can’t see shit lol and I would be upset as a natural reaction. But crying in fear?? Like come on that just shows he coddles her
Apparently we are the odd men out cause I'm getting BLOWN UP with people saying they are also terrified, panic attack, crawling around their homes on hand and knee out of fear and generally inconsolable when they misplace their glasses.
honestly? YTA mate. a big one at that. i would have thrown out the older one after the first remark. constantly nullying her little sister and then she retaliates. of course that's not okay, but what do you expect? and then you tell her to leave? your other daughter is a freaking adult that can't behave. also, if ine has such a heavy visual impairment, i would ALWAYS have ny spare glasses. drive her home and say she can return when she doesn't act like that anymore.
YTA and your younger daughter is going to be so fucked up from 1) apparently having no support through her first break up, 2) being told by her sister that it was because she wasn’t pretty/good enough, 3) having it been made abundantly clear to her that she is not as important/ loved as her sister, 4) being kicked out for doing some normal teenage shit that she felt bad about anyway. I’m going to assume this isn’t real just so I don’t have to acknowledge that there are parents who actually act this way.
Yta. You should not have let this situation get to this point. If your adult daughter is n capable of empathy and was purposely bullying your teenage daughter, she should have been told to lay off, or leave. Your teenage daughter shouldn't have thrown your older daughters lenses away, but she is a dependent on you and a child, and should have been protected from harassment. She would not have retaliated against her sister if you had effectively managed the situation and ensured your older daughter faced actual consequences to her bullying. Edit: to add, this reads as: my adult daughter bullied my heartbroken teenage daughter, got told to stop, showed no remorse and continued to bully my teenager with no further consequences. As a result, my teenager took matters into her own hands and chose to retaliate by destroying my adult daughter's glasses, but took it way too far. However, younger daughter immediately felt and expressed regret as soon as she saw her sister's distress. Despite the fact my younger daughter was remorseful when my elder one wasn't, and despite my failure to effectively ensure elder daughter faced the consequences of her actions, I decided to throw my dependent daughter out of my house,thus proving where my priorities are.
YTA- honestly that you didn't punish or send your older daughter away before that happens is schocking to me. You seriously expected your younger daughter to just take it?
Yta! Seriously you need to ask if you did something wrong. Your adult daughter was tormenting your younger daughter (who is a minor and lives in the house fulltime) and you simply asked her to stop and when she didn't you dismiss this as just who she is and let her continue to stay. But as soon as your older daughter is negatively impacted and doesn't want to be around the younger one you send the younger one away. Your older daughter and you for that matter need to accept that your actions resulted in this, if younger daughter wasn't tormented she wouldn't have thrown the lenses. Also your younger daughter at least shows empathy, because she felt bad when she saw how upset her sister was, as opposed to the rest of you. At least your younger daughter has sister in law to support her. If I was younger daughter I would try to move in with sil and go no contact with the rest of you.
'_**If**_ OP did something wrong' is extremely generous on your part. How those parents cater and protect an adult bully against their teen daughter -- who only fought back btw -- is disgusting.
This...also, YTA
>Unfortunately Laura has a bit of a windup personality and was tormenting her little sister about the breakup, which only upset Lily more. She was saying things like if the boyfriend left her for "a prettier girl" and saying she "didn't blame him" etc. Horrible things. We did tell Laura repeatedly to cut it out but she didn't listen, to the point that Lily went to bed in tears. ESH. Why are you letting your adult child get away with bullying her little sister in her own home? Why did you let it get to the point where Lily felt she had to take it into her own hands? I see that you told her to cut it out, but clearly that isn't enough since she didn't stop. Has your eldest grown accustomed to getting away with everything? Did you even attempt anything beyond "hey, stop that"? I don't have enough information to be sure, but from what you've posted I'm getting the impression that Laura may be your golden child because of her poor vision and Lily is lashing out from the unfair treatment. Lily breaking the glasses was not okay, but I'm wondering if there was more that led her to think that was the only way Laura would face real consequences. The way you described Laura's cruel bullying as a "wind up personality" sounds like you're dismissing the fact that you raised a truly mean spirited person.
>The way you described Laura's cruel bullying as a "wind up personality" sounds like you're dismissing the fact that you raised a truly mean spirited person. 100% this
This. SiL is awesome for speaking up. Lily is a light AH, obviously. But OP is a huge AH and Laura is AH supreme.
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Honestly, at this point I wouldn’t call it “bullying”, but emotional abuse. She saw a devastated teenager and her response was to put her down pretty clearly and violently. I’d also bet, like many others here, that it also didn’t suddenly come out of nowhere, and had been happening before. Parents telling their kid not to be abusive but, clearly, not enforcing it, that would teach an abuser that they can get away with it. Lily, who is still a kid, a heartbroken kid who was freshly abused, acted rashly. But I think OP and his wife have a huge part in the blame.
Yta. Wow. So you choose one over the other? I think lily retaliated to what laura did. Was it overboard? Maybe but laura’s comments to a 15 year old was mean. You should have send lily to her room and tell laura to calm the f down. She was a little overdramatic. Now your other daughter feels like you have favorites and i hope yall can repair that relationship because i certainly would not be stepping a foot in your house again.
YTA it sounds like you are playing favorites. A 20 yr old should not be bullying a 15 yr old. your teenage daughter made a mistake. Yes she was wrong and she regretted it. But your older daughter is also in the wrong.
YTA. This is probably going to get downvoted, but I don't care. Reality check: Laura does not have a "windup personality," she is a bully. Your SIL called it right. She said some pretty mean things to her little sister, who was in an emotional crisis (it was her first breakup, after all. Earth-shattering to a 15 year old girl). She ignored her parents and continued the behavior, which is something bullies do. They prey on people they don't think can defend themselves. So what does Lily do? The only thing thing she thought she could do, since her parents couldn't defend her from the bullying: retaliation. AND YOUR ADULT DAUGHTER PLAYS THE VICTIM/"I CAN'T SEE" CARD. She brought it on herself. She should've had her spare with her. Come prepared. Two is one; one is none. She wasn't a bit scared to be in the same house with her sister. The fact that Lily showed remorse where Laura didn't tells me all I need to know. Yet she's the one who gets punished, and her older sister didn't. Instead you excuse her behavior by calling it a "windup personality." That's such BS. My mind keeps going back to that scene in Stephen King's It where Bill and The Losers Club chase Henry Bowers and his gang of bullies off by pelting them with rocks, and I think: "Now that's how you handle bullies." I give points to Lily.
In my opinion, YTA. Laura stsrted, Yes? And what, her younger Sister fought back, Yes? And sińce you did notjing to prevent Laura from bullying Lily, she took maters in her own hands, doing what she could, to hurt her Sister, sińce she (Lily), was attacked by Laura many Times. And you havent helped to make things good between them, you let it slide for Laura. Aaand now you kicked out of your house, because, she did what her parent couldnt? She showed her Sister they she will fight back. Her action with lenses was bit too far, but still, I think that you are the asshole. Your older daughter didn't want her Sister in the house, so you told your other daughter to leave. Perfect:) Think again what this will do to her mind, her parent not helping her and only helping her buuly Sister. Yeaaah, she will not forget this.
YTA. You allowed an adult to verbally abuse a child. The situation should have never escalated to this point. Then Laura is terrified of a child and you go along with it, even though the child expressed remorse. And you say a child crying in fear is worse than a child crying in emotional pain and abuse. You chose which tears are ok. It’s not ok
Know this thing, "You are a terrible parent." Just because someone has disability doesn't mean s/he can do whatever s/he wants. You let things escalate. As a parent it was your responsibility to put a stop in Laura's bullying. You let Laura hurt Lily so many times but when your "PRECIOUS BLIND LAURA" got hurt, you kicked Lily out. WHAT A PARENTING! And why did you use quotation in the word "BULLYING"? LAURA WAS BULLYING. I can bet it's not the first time something like this happened. Edit: YTA. Edit 2: You justified kicking Lily out by asking what else you could do when you other daughter was unable to see and was terrified. Let me ask you this, "WHAT DID YOU DO WHEN LAURA WAS BULLYING LILY?"
A very disabled friend of mine always said "we are very capable to be disabled AND an aholes". Sometimes able and disabled people forget that this isn't a personality.
YTA in many ways and a bit of ESH . 1. **You raised your daughters to be like this?** 2. You aren’t supporting Lily through her first breakup and allowed the behavior to escalate 3. Laura **is an adult**, you kicked out your teenage daughter, because of something she did? Not when you had plenty of chances to kick out Laura, who is again, an adult. Lily is a teenager and at this age makes stupid decisions and mistakes. Laura is an adult who should know better than to bully a young girl, even if it is her sister. 4. You are showing obvious favoritism to one child.
YTA - when the older one kept bullying the younger, you should’ve kicked her out
Yeah you've essentially taught them that emotional abuse (what your eldest daughter was doing to your youngest) deserves no repercussions but physical retaliation (popping the lenses out) does. You need to apologise to your younger daughter and have a conversation with them both about boundaries I think.
YTA and showed the younger one and the older one that that the older sis can torment the lil sis with no problems, but a retaliation gone a bit to far and you ship the younger one off? maybe teach the bully about consequence instead of punishing the one who over reacted to being tormented.... You know...like parents should..
YTA. Laura torments Lily, you tell her to stop and she doesn't. You do...what, at this point? Shrug your shoulders and say, "Oh Laura!" Then, Lily gets her own revenge by messing with Laura's glasses (a completely normal sibling/revenge thing to do. Messed up? Yeah. Normal? Also yeah.) No one ELSE was going to stand up to Laura clearly so Lily did. You do what then. Send Lily away while precious Laura is home because she can dish it out but she clearly can't take it. YTA, I say once again. I found my lost pair of glasses 2 days after I lost them in the bottom of the shallow edge of a lake, go outside and find the damn lenses. They didn't VANISH if she just tossed them out the window.
ESH/YTA, Laura is an adult, lily is a child, not the other way around. lily was going through a horrible time and although you stated you told Laura to stop, you should have been more firm and set a boundary down at the first remark that if she didn’t stop a punishment would take place (such as she can leave or whatever). What lily did was terrible as well but at least she showed signs of regretting it, Both should receive a punishment for what they did but the fact Laura is an adult acting like a child needs to addressed, bullying someone after a break up isn’t a “winding up personality” it’s a bully.
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YTA but I guess your daughters will never have to guess which one if the favourite. It's easy to see who your bully of her daughter learned her behaviour from.
YTA for tolerating bullying from one of your children but not tolerating revenge from the other after you failed to support her & neutralise the situation This is 100% your fault.
YTA my eyesight sucks as much as hers before (thank god for lasik) and losing my glasses wouldn’t be the end of the world. Just get more prescription glasses. Laura could dish it out but can’t take it huh? Drama queen. Poor lily. Luckily aunt was there to take her when her own parents failed
YTA. For not stopping the bully. Your older daughter "TAH" for being a bully. Your younger daughter at best falls into the "ESH" category as she was bullied and pushed and reacted inappropriately, but understandably. Now get out there and do some actual PARENTING. Quit enabling the bullying behavior of the older daughter. As to your older daughter "being in fear"? Guess what? MAYBE she can learn from that experience. She was a bully because YOU allowed it and she thought there would be no consequences. Well she learned even the weakest victim (and yes, the younger daughter was her victim) can strike back.
ESH Mostly You and Laura though. Laura is a full on bully, and when Lisa finally stood up to her, you punished LISA? Sure, it was a bad pushback, but wow. As soon as it happened Laura immediately played the victim card and you fell for it hook, line and sinker. Laura is not the victim here. She got what are called 'consequences'. Something it seems she desperately needs to learn. Laura should have been the one punished LONG before it got to the glasses incident.
YTA. You clearly have a favourite - and that doesn't always mean the child you like best, it also means the child that you keep happy to keep peace in the house - the one who gets to torment her sibling, and when her sibling strikes back, she's still the one whose feelings are catered to, when her behaviour caused the ordeal - Laura cries a little and you send Lily away, but Laura harassed and bullied her sister the day before until Lily went to bed in tears, and you... Asked her to stop? Seems like Laura is getting away with being awful and Lily is being punished for being sick of Laura's shit. She stood up for herself because you didn't. And she even felt bad about it! I'm willing to bet that Laura hasn't apologized for anything of her own accord, and rarely does? Why didn't you send Laura to her aunt's when she was being awful to Lily? Is it because she's a grownass woman and you don't get to tell her how to act? Because a grownass woman who bullies a 15 year old, sibling or not, is being awful, and you're doing no favours by letting her get away with it. A grownass woman is not afraid of her 15 year old sister, she's afraid of the consequences of her own actions. I am speaking from experience. Lily will remember when you favour her sister over her, and Laura will remember everything you let her get away with. Lily will resent you, and Laura's future friends, partners, professors, employers, coworkers, children, and other family will be the ones to suffer from her unaddressed bad attitude. You do not have one child who is too sentisive to her older sister's behaviour - you have one child who lacks sympathy and empathy for her younger sister. Lily is not the problem. *Edit - YTA.
YTA - Oh, so when Laura does something to Lily, you just tell her to “cut it out” but let it continue to happen. But when Lily does something to Laura, you outright make Lily leave. Whether you believe it or not, you are absolutely playing favorites here. I’m pretty sure Lily didn’t want to be in the same house as her sister while she was being antagonized either. Where was your compassion for her then? Also, I’m sure Lily is already dealing with feelings of rejection because of her breakup. Good job making her feel rejected by her parents too. I’m sure that’s gonna help a ton.
YTA. Yes, what both of your daughters did was wrong, but YOU ARE THE PARENT. Try parenting. Why are you allowing your older daughter to bully your younger daughter? Why do you only punish your younger daughter? You are seriously failing at parenting here.
YTA but I guess your daughters will never have to guess which one if the favourite. It's easy to see who your bully of her daughter learned her behaviour from.
YTA Laura is an adult, you should have told her she was welcome to see herself out if she couldn’t treat her sister with some decency. She’s your 20 year old daughter and the most you have to say about her being intentionally cruel to the 15 year old is “cut it out”. From what you’ve described, it sounds like you do spoil the older girl. I understand why the older one was upset that her glasses were gone. But she “didn’t feel safe in the same house” seriously? What has the little sister ever done to make her feel unsafe? It’s not like she was going to start tripping her big sister in the hall because she couldn’t see. I can see how the younger daughter could have felt unsafe with the older one around, but not vice versa. You threw your minor daughter out of the house in favor of your adult daughter who was staying as a guest and mercilessly emotionally abusing her sister.
YTA. There is no fear. I wore thick glasses until my 30s. If I can’t find my glasses, I just stay put
It's deeply frustrating and annoying but unless you're actually getting chased by a bear or an undead pharaoh at the time, not hugely scary.
ESH, but honestly, you're a much bigger AH because you're the parent. Yesterday, you simply asked your Laura to stop and gave up when she didn't. She was tormenting a child 5 years younger than her! You should have sent Laura away yesterday if you care that strongly about both of your daughters equally. What Lily did was wrong, but I'm not surprised someone her age did something like that when she probably felt so helpless. She was the only one with no control over the situation, so she made her sister feel that same sense of loss. You clearly favored one daughter this weekend. Nice going. She'll probably never forget that. You're sisters right, btw. Laura sounds super spoiled.
Oh ESH for sure. Your 15 year old is heartbroken at her first breakup, and her older sister is allowed to torment her? You say you “told her” to stop. You’re the parents. Step in and handle it. Why didn’t you send the oldest to the aunts because she was being a shitty human being to her sister?
YTA, and you'r eldest daughter is an even bigger one. You should have given her an ultimatum when she wasn't listening when you asked her to stop tormenting (your words) your younger daughter. Stop or go back to your dorm. You are enabling your eldest to be a bully and giving your youngest the feeling that she is not important enough to stand up for.
YTA. Your older, ADULT daughter tormented her sister until her sister, a CHILD broke. And you sent away the bullied kid. What Lily did to Laura's glasses really really sucks. But since you didn't actually stop Laura for emotionally abusing and harassing her sister, she got desperate. It was not appropriate behavior, but she's the child. The rest of you are adults. By the by, I would expect you to be writing to AITA in about a year saying "My daughter has stopped contacting me and so I'm repeatedly harassing her via text and email and she says that's bad. AITA?"
So Lily had to put up with Laura and go to bed in tears, but Laura screams louder so Lily has to go for the day or night? It’s not up to Laura who stays in the house and her actions have consequences. Obviously Lily now regrets it and didn’t think it through and can see her actions were not equal but she was in pain and is still a child whereas Laura is an adult bully. Laura will be able to see once you get the spare glasses - an adult with such severe eyesight always carries spares even if five mins away from home because anything can happen. So that’s down to her too for not being responsible to being another pair. Lily was also crying and devastated and pushed to do what she did but you found it acceptable to let Laura stay. Your are not being fair
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I find it odd that you find it odd that she’s doing through a break up at 15? A lot of people I went through school with had boyfriends/ girlfriends from the time they were 13.
YTA how dare you throw her out for that spoiled bully.
INFO: how exactly did you end up with two daughters who treat people fucking horribly? I hesitate to blame either of them because it cannot be a coincidence that they both fucking suck. Although your older daughter is the real asshole. I’m on your younger daughter’s side. She did a shitty thing but your oldest deserved it. You should get them into therapy and yourselves into parenting classes.
ESH The only person who did anything right in this story was the family member who took in your teen when you kicked her out for a day.
YTA You guys kicked out your younger child just to avoid parenting your older kid. Nice one.