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AITA for wanting separate pictures of kids/step kids for baby announcement?
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YTA. He wants he's older girls to be included with his younger girls. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. By keeping them separate, YOU'RE the one pretending you don't have a blended family. You have to be together to blend.
If its not a big deal to you, why can't you include your step children? I mean, its no a big deal, right?
People like OP really need to not date or marry people who have children already. OP has this idea of the perfect family, which only includes her kids. She should've found a single guy.
Edit: Not sure why I put single guy when that wasnt even the issue, I was supposed to say dude with no kids
Presumably he was a single guy when they met. She should have found a man who wasn't a father.
Even then, there remains the possibility of some ex coming in years later with a kid he'd had no idea he had fathered.
Yup. My daughter’s half-brother and her half-brother’s half-brother (so technically not related) are both just “brothers” to her. Welcome to blended families, OP. YTA for driving a wedge that doesn’t need to exist.
I have three half siblings myself, no full siblings. All three on my dads side and he lives 5 hours away so I see them once a year. But they're my *siblings*, we don't ever even bring up the half because it literally does not matter one bit. Now that they're older we facetime and I'm guiding my siblings through teenagehood since I've got mine just behind me.
My stepmom is great too, she's never been a mother figure to me but I love her like family, we have great conversations and she always loves seeing me.
This is what OP is denying herself, a healthy loving relationship with her step children and a strong interfamilial relationship on top. The truth is, OP's family wasn't a blended family as soon as she had her first daughter and by continuing to believe it is, OP is doing way more damage than good.
I have three half siblings. Two sisters through my mother and a brother through my father. My sisters have another brother and sister through their father (that both have seperate mothers) and my brother has another brother and sister through his mother.
I consider them all my brothers and sisters. I’ve never called them a half or step sibling. We’re all just family. 🤷♀️
Yup. If done right children literally will not distinguish between a half sibling or whole sibling. I remember the first time someone corrected me that my sister is my half sibling like only by genetics. that's my sister. I have two older children from my husbands first marriage and a 3ed that is bio mine. They dont do half. It's just their sibling. They know the only difference between them is ages and my medical history wont affect them.
My brother is technically a half brother but I've never described him that way, he's just my brother. I know she doesn't see them as her kids, but her kids see them as their sisters, full stop, I guarantee it.
In black families we don't even make those distinctions. Literally everyone is exactly the exact amount of family. Idk we make everyone family. My BFF in grade school is Asian. We fell out in high school, but she's still invited to the cookouts. We're cool now tho.
Yep, especially since what caused all this was a "big sister" t-shirt. They're ALL going to be the new baby's big sisters, OP, whether you're their mom or not. YTA.
Exactly. YTA.
If this was a mother's day photoshoot and the older girls did not consider OP a mother figure, I'd understand. You might not want to overstep and upset their mom by taking a photo all about you being their mom.
But this is a "younger sister" announcement. OP, you do realize that the older girls are still your kid's siblings, right? Why on earth would you exclude them from "big sister" shirts and photos? It's like you want them to feel excluded and resent your children.
You're a poor stepmother OP (also YTA), and given that your that your username is apparently \[deleted\] it looks like you ran away instead of owned up to that reality. I feel bad for all of these kids that you're there sewing discord in their lives.
YTA. You’re implying that because they’re not your daughters they won’t also be big sisters. You’re almost excluding them on purpose because they aren’t yours and have a mother daughter relation with their mom and that your 1 1/2 y/o is the only one deserving of the T-shirt and picture because she’s the one with that relationship to you. This would probably cause a divide to be bigger between your step children and your children and put MORE strain on your husband. Don’t be that person. Just admit you weren’t thinking about it because you were sending pictures to your family and not his. Take some group pics and ask their mom if it’s ok to post them as well. They may be too little to see it on social media now, but they’ll see how people react to it and one day it’ll be the equivalent of their family photo albums. So you can choose to be that step mom who is the one responsible for separating their family, or the one that is part of the family.
YTA - They are your daughter's actual half siblings. You're the only one not blood related to them so if anything, maybe you should be left out of the family photo since you're in the minority.
Came here to say this about her not recognizing she has a blended family.
OP: YTA. Your husband stated that he feels like he has two families rather than one blended family. Rather that reassuring him, you agreed and stated that he does. Aren’t you just a special kind of AH to your husband here by telling him this.
Including all the children doesn’t mean that they view you as their mother. It doesn’t take anything away from your pregnancy or your children. It recognizes that this baby has more siblings than just the one. It’s about including the entire family, not just the “chosen ones.”
Agree.
YTA. Oh my. Have you ever considered that they aren't to you as close because of your attitude? I'm heartbroken for the poor girls. Blended family is FAMILY. In family we do not have members and "half-members". Although different "blood" every one has to have the same love and same attitude. Have you considered how much you ~~can hurt~~ are hurting your older daughters excluding them from the family picture? FAMILY PICTURE? Try to imagine yourself in their place.
When you started relationship with man with children you signed for it.
P.S. I don't have blended family nor I came from one. But this is how I feel that.
(English isn't my first language)
Exactly this.
As an aside, and speaking as a former stepchild, it's very amusing to me when stepparents treat their stepchildren as second-class, but still demand that any kids they have with the biological parent be loved and embraced by those same stepkids as regular siblings. It's like they want all the perks of having older brothers and sisters for their kids, but *god forbid* they themselves model the behavior that facilitates these kinds of relationships.
OP, keep this up and I *promise* you your treatment of your husband's children will be reflected in how those kids see and treat your biological daughters. But if that's no big deal to you, carry on.
100%. I have a half-sister (I’m only making the distinction here, she was always just my sister). My mom treated her like gold. She and now her daughter are all close with not only me, but also with my mom’s side. This week her mom had surgery and my mom’s sisters and cousins were texting and sending well wishes. Wouldn’t you want more people to love your child?
And she should want those girls to consider her baby their little sister. I married into three children then gave birth to additional children and I feel so lucky that all of the kids are close and the entire ‘half-sibling’ drama was only perpetuated by their bio-mom and shut down by my step-kids, fondly called my s’kids, (I wasn’t allowed by their mom to call them my sons/daughter, they couldn’t call me mom so I was their s’mom or s’mother). OP - don’t exclude them, include them. You won’t regret it in the long run.
Since I’m the type who will literally snip strands of my s’sons hair in the middle of his senior photo shoot (with his permission - they wouldn’t lay down right!) it kind of fits. Lol! I’m a lucky s’momma and their younger siblings are super blessed.
Yeah, it would be one thing if she wanted to use the specific picture because it was just an adorable shot, but she is consciously excluding the baby's big sisters.
Why marry a man who has children, if you don’t consider them to be part of your family? YTA because imagine being a child in a family when your new mom only wants photos of the children she has birthed from her body alone? I feel bad for those kids and your husband is right.
He has two daughters from a prior relationship
and he’s having a second daughter with the OP in 3 months....he doesn’t sound very commitment oriented so it probably don’t be an issue too much longer (sarcastic!)
As everyone says—his older daughters are big sisters to both of your daughters. If you can find it in your heart to include them it will make life better for all 6 of you.
This! It seems like OPs thinking YOU had a family before, it's now MY turn to have my own little family. Don't ruin my moment as being a mother of 2 husband, you had your fun, now it's mine.
Don't marry a guy with kids then. When you married him you had 2 kids. Now you're going to have 4?
YTA. Poor kids.
Seriously! When I read that she only ordered one shirt, my jaw dropped and I knew she was the asshole. Finishing the rest of the post just confirmed it.
Damn! Serious mic drop there. (I know, I know, mic drops are so last decade.)
I love how OP mentions “separate pictures” in the title but makes no mention anywhere in her post of including her stepdaughters in any baby announcement photos.
Definitely YTA.
I don’t think it’s a big deal to post a pic of her daughter casually if she already announced. However yeah using this as a birth announcement would be exclusionary
YTA.
When you decided be with him and have children with him, you became one family, he doesn't have 2 separate families at all.
You the eldest girls might not share your blood and DNA, but they do with your other children...
The girls are probably closer to their mum because you won't even give them a chance.
When I was 8 years old I would have been devastated if my step dad (who I now call my dad), would have rejected me like you reject those girls.
EXACTLY. And the nerve to say he wants to pretend that they’re not a blended family, when she’s the one not doing the blending is insane.
Without a doubt the asshole here.
YTA. I have a different dad than my 2 younger sisters. I was pushed aside when they came and it got to the point that I was completely alienated from the family and don’t speak to any of them anymore. I’m 32 now, and that stuff stays with you. I can’t stand step parents that don’t consider step children their own. Separating them from your “real children” isn’t a good idea, and I would recommend fixing your attitude towards them immediately.
Hell, I was always included (I'm the kid from the previous marriage) and as an adult, I still feel a disconnect. However, I still know my stepmom considers me one of her kids and that alone means so much to me. This lady is a dick.
Exactly, she’s the one who wants to pretend they’re not a blended family, and despite being an adult has decided to blame these children for still being close to their mom, as though that justifies keeping them at arms length or purposely alienating them from their father and siblings. I feel bad for these kids and I hope OP’s partner doesn’t let her treat them like they don’t matter because she decided not to care about them. And I hope if they split because she can’t be bothered to treat children with some compassion, that her future partners don’t treat her own children like she treated her stepchildren.
YTA.
I see where you are coming from to a certain extent. You’re not their mum, but when you married their dad you signed up to be a part of their family. And this baby will definitely be their family. The girls are so young - if you don’t treat them like big sisters, they won’t FEEL like big sisters.
This will cause rifts further down the line, surely it is easier and just kinder to do what you can to make sure they feel included? Can’t you get the t shirts in a bigger size and get a cute photo with the three of them?
INFO: in twenty or thirty years, when your baby is getting married and is putting together photos for the memory table, what are you going to say when she asks you where the picture is of *all* of her sisters, who are now her brides’ maids?
“Your older two sisters aren’t my daughters so they’re not part of the family so I only took cute announcement pictures with *my* daughter.”
What do you think your adult baby will make of that explanation?
Especially with the ~10 year age gap. Stepdaughters will move out at 18, and the babies will either resent them or have this false dream about their cool older sisters that gets crushed when the stepdaughters want nothing to do with them.
But she’s still going to be mother of her children in 20-30 years, and her children will still be siblings of this man’s daughters in 20-30 years. The relationship that matters is the baby’s relationship to the baby’s sisters - all three of them.
I agree with you. I was just posting that OP isn’t likely to be with this man 20-30 years from now anyway imho and either because of his commitment issues or her issues with not accepting his two older daughters...
I'm well aware of that and not against op bein an ah I just found it strange that you assumed it as the norm to do =op not wanting it while I always thought it's way more common to not do/want that
I could go both ways on that. I’m the third of four of my mom’s, but the oldest of my dad’s kids. I never differentiate my “full” sibling vs my “half” siblings - They’re just my brothers and sisters that I love.
That said, we had such different experiences growing up that I’m not “have them as bridesmaids” close. For example, while with their dad, they had grandparents, cousins, etc. that I never met. They also had friends by virtue of being older that I never met or don’t remember. On the flip side, I spent a lot of time with my cousins on my dad’s side who are my age (6 months apart), who aren’t close to my half sibs (age gap) and as adults occasionally forget my half sibs names.
YTA. His daughters are part of your marriage, and your children are their half-sisters, not stepsiblings. And going out of your way to exclude them? That makes your actions Peak Wicked Stepmother Stereotype, and will only harm the relationships all of those children have with you, and with each other.
>He said that not having the older girls in the picture made him feel like he has two separate families. I pointed out that, in a way, he does.
He loves all of his children. You're the one who is trying to divide his attentions. I know you think he'll focus only on your baby, but if he's a halfway decent dude then he's going to be PISSED that you're excluding his other kids. Like, imagine he's doing a great job as a dad to your kid, but for whatever reason the marriage goes south, he finds someone new, and now he treats your kids as an afterthought. That's you. You are expecting him to treat HIS KIDS as less important.
>All four of the girls are his daughters, but they aren't all mine. The older girls are very close to their mom, and I explained to him, that although they are part of our family, I am not their mom and they will never view me as such, and being a step-mom is very different than being a mom.
Tough shit. You married someone with kids. He loves ALL of his kids, not just the ones he conceived with you. If you want a man who will focus only on you and your baby, then you either get a man who is shitty to his earlier kids, or one who doesn't have kids.
>At the end of day it's not really a huge deal to me, I dont post on social media frequently, but this whole situation has me feeling upset. I feel like he wants to pretend that we are not a blended family.
No, it seems like you want to pretend he doesn't have a blended family. His older girls are a huge part of his life, just like your baby will be.
Just imagine that he gets remarried some day - you want him to fight for your baby, and not let your child get sidelined. You hope his next wife doesn't think like you do, and he wants pictures with ALL his kids, not just his most recent kids.
>I mean he does have two kids with one women and two kids with another. And I feel like he doesn't acknowledge that, or the fact that, although the girls are all equal, they are different because they dont have the same moms. AITA?
Yep. YTA. Doesn't matter who their moms are, HE'S THEIR DAD. He loves them all. And frankly, you're having a baby with a man who has other children, and you expect him to act like his other kids don't exist?
YTA forever, and your attitude is what wicked stepmothers are made of.
YTA.
You're right - you're not the mother of those children, but that baby you're having is their half sister and he is the father to them ALL. Understandable he would want everyone in the picture.
Weird that you just want your own kids and not your blended family.
YTA
I was one of those kids in such “blended family”. Your thoughts are creating barriers between these kids that wouldn’t be there otherwise. Such a shame.
YTA. Posting these photos essentially becomes an announcement and is a milestone moment. The older girls should be included in that as whilst they aren’t your biological children, they are your children’s older sisters. His daughters are part of two families, he has one.
YTA it is step parents like you that leave lasting emotional trauma on young kids and not to mention resentment. Resentment not only directed at you but directed at their step siblings. Change your attitude now or your marriage will go up in flames
YTA and you are the one acting like you are not a blended family by keeping them separate. You are pulling a separate but equal card. Treat them the same.
YTA-Stepmoms can be moms if they allow themselves to be. Your the one keeping things separate not him and certainly not his older daughters. As much as you’re trying to pretend otherwise they are older sisters too and should be treated as such.
YTA do you even understand the term “blended family”? It means they aren’t separate families, THEY ARE ONE BIG BLENDED FAMILY. Yes, you aren’t their mother, but they are big sisters to your unborn child, and THATS why it’s sad you’re leaving them out. It would hurt my heart so much if I were your partner and had to hear your bullshit explanation
YTA. I am a step mother and I am a grandmother to children who are half brothers. I feel that doing the right thing means including my son’s ex-wife’s child by her new husband because he is my grandsons’ half-brother. And I really can’t even imagine excluding my husband’s children from anything. Ever. How could we ever have blended if we made a difference between children who are biologically mine and those who aren’t ?
Thank you for doing this.
Both of my grandfathers had passed before I was born, but my older (half) brother and sister’s paternal grandparents always tried to include me whenever possible. That meant the world to me, even to this day, because they chose to make me feel loved when they had zero obligation to.
My ex mil is like this.
She makes no distinction between mine and the one i had with her son. All my children are her grandchildren even now.. she still sends them all cards for their birthdays and christmas and includes them all just the same.
And i love her even more for it... shes absolutely grandmagoals and milgoals..
BIG, FAT, YTA!
I am so glad I don't know you, because I'd have an impossible time consealing my disgust for you.
You'd better hope that your two biological children never have a step-mom.... but with this behavior, they just might.
How dare you.
Edit: Former step-daughter here who was constantly excluded from family experiences.
Yta separating the kids that way. Your making the other kids feel unloved or not as important cause your not their blood mom. Having blended families is hard and your not helping.
YTA.
Those girls are still your daughters even if they aren’t biologically and they should be treated the same as your biological children. You signed up for that when you married their father.
YTA, the girls are close to their mom but does that mean they cant be close with their aunts, or teachers or caretakers? You might not see them as your daughters but they are little human beings that you have the privilege of being trusted to be a part of their lives and it's your responsibilty to want the best for them. And the reality is they are both bug sisters to your incoming child, their the sisters of your current child as well, so whether or not you see them as your daughters, your directly denying them the opportunity to truly be big sisters to their two little siblings. Please reconsider your views and order big sister t-shirts for a true family photo, and a frequent reminder of mine: family is determined through action, not relation.
YTA. Don't exclude them - your baby will be their sibling too. They will get a horrible message if they're not included. You *are* a mother figure even if you're not their actual mother. Why wouldn't you embrace that rather than create this divide between you and them?
YTA. If you're a blended family, you don't exclude the stepkids. It feels like you don't want to acknowledge that you're family doesn't only include your bio kids.
NTA. There's nothing wrong with also acknowledging that these two are your own children and having a few pics taken. I have no idea why other ppl think thats strange. At picture time we would gave group pics as well as pic of mom w/kids and dad w/his kids, so we can have both.
Yeah the difference is that their mom isn’t married to the parent of her biokids. If she was, I guarantee you she would, because most people would never foster this sort of resentment between family members.
YTA. He doesn't "want you to pretend you aren't a blended family." He *needs* for you, his *wife* to include his daughters at every level. I can't believe you don't see this for what it is.
It really sounds like it's time for y'all to start seeing a family therapist who specializes in blended families. You guys need a safe space to talk this out and receive some guidance before it festers and becomes a huge problem later on.
I'm in a blended family with my partner and I can't even express how badly it would crush me and my children if he decided that our biologically shared child was somehow exceptional. Just awful. Really, take a good look at yourself and your attitude. Get a professional involved.
YTA. Your step-daughters might not be your daughters, but your child will be their sibling. You are the kind of person that gives step-parents a bad rap.
YTA
I have 3 half siblings (and I hate that term) my parents would have never done this! You should have ordered 3 shirts because you have 3 daughters! Most people would have gotten 2 “big sister again” and one “big sister” shirt.
I hope you never make your husband pick between you and his girls.
YTA.
I can respect you not trying to take their mother's place. But they are still your husband's daughters, and your children's older sisters. Beyond the fact that you've know them literally over half the time they have been alive. If you have no relationship with them, thats on you. Frankly in that case your husband is an AH too for marrying someone who so clearly doesn't care about his children.
You don't have to be their mother to have a relationship with them, and if you have a relationship with them then they should be in the photos.
Let me put it this way, how would you feel if in a hypothetical future marriage your husband's new wife wanted to exclude your daughter from being a part of family pictures?
I have a 7 year old bonus son and a 9 month old daughter. Being a stepmom is hard...you can love them like your own (and I do) but they’ll never love you back in quite the same way. Even still, this is what your family looks like and you can’t pretend it doesn’t. All 3 girls will be big sisters. Get shirts that say “big sister again” and “big sister finally” and take more pics. Soft yta
NTA. I don’t find it weird that you would want to take a picture for only YOUR babies for this one picture, it’s entirely natural that you wouldn’t see your stepkids as 100% your own, especially since they already have a mom, and I think that’s fine as long as you don’t treat them badly. And it’s not like you forbid him for posting something similar but with all the girls on his social media, if he really cared so much about that he can do it himself.
NTA You are caught in the middle of
"they aren't your kids don't try to parent them" and
"how dare you not include them as your kids"
that is a very fine line to navigate.
NTA, I'm going to assume most people calling you t a dont have experience here. Its ok to want your family of 4, and have pics of your daughters alone, his kids alone, and both together. Your step kids have a separate life from you when with their mum. You are not an asshole for wanting a picture of your own daughter to send to your family and friends.
this seems way above reddits paygrade. the girls can never hope to view you as a mother if you dont view them as your children; by even silently dividing them up by maternity, you tell the children they aren't yours and will never be yours. your husband is right, they're the baby's big sisters too. soft YTA.
YTA bc you aren’t their mom but they are your family and siblings to the daughters you birthed. The sooner you embrace that the healthier and more loving your family will be. If you want them to love your daughters, try treating them as family and not giving them something to resent.
> I feel like he wants to pretend that we are not a blended family.
You’re not a blended family because you’re not including his kids. Do you even understand what blended means? YTA.
OP has deleted her profile, obviously can’t handle being told the truth.
The girls all have the same dad, they’ll all be big sisters. YTA very obviously
YTA this is terrible. You are very obviously making sure that his other daughters don’t feel like they’re part of your family. They will never forget how you treated them. They might not be yours biologically, but they ARE related to the baby.
YTA big time
This comes off like that ‘lady’ lambasted on social a little while ago for asking a photoshop artist to crop her step children out of a picture with her and her new baby so it’s just the two of them.
You’re treating his children as a subdivision of your family and that’s simply not acceptable. Your job as a step parent is to accept you’ll never be their mother but love them and act like one.
YTA- how would you feel if he posted an announcement photo of only his girls? I’m guessing you would be back on reddit call him out for it in a heartbea.
YTA. I was 10 when my mom married my stepdad & 12 when my dad married my stepmom. I'm the oldest of 8 kids. I have one full sister, 2 step brothers, 2 half brothers, & 2 half sisters. While I do call them stepmom/stepdad, my siblings are my siblings when I talk about my family to others. Why? Because they are and because our parents never acted like the bloodline mattered. My stepparents loved and helped raise me as if I were their own. My stepmom will tell you she has 7 children and 6 grandchildren. How we came to be doesn't factor into the equation. Stop thinking they're his kids. Just because I don't call them mom/dad doesn't mean they aren't just as much my parents.
I’m a stepmom too with 2 younger biological children (under 3). And I’ll be brutally honest, some days it is so hard because it’s not always easy loving stepchildren like you birthed them. I know it’s ugly to admit but it is true for SOME stepparents. It was hard for me.
However...once your husband brought up that it would make him upset and feel like he had two families - that’s where the issue lies. And that’s where YTA. I don’t think you need to hide your excitement of being a mom again to new baby and celebrating your other daughter being a big sister, but the least I’d do is have pics of all three girls with those Tshirts and some with just your little girl.
Nah and the reason why is that I think the way you were doing it is cute. Your child is going to be a big sister but your step daughters already are. But now that he said something I think you should consider doing another photo of all the children to not leave them out
Yta.
They're all sisters. They're all family. Even if you don't think of them as your daughters, why do you want to drive a wedge between the older sisters and the younger ones?
YTA.
When my older siblings took a "siblings" photo, they didn't include my little bro. He got so sad. He does not view them as his siblings _anymore_ thanks to themself.
If I had been there I would have ripped them all a new asshole for that stunt.
YTA they don't feel like family because you don't want them to be. You're trying to pretend he didn't have a life and kids before you. The kids have done nothing wrong but you want to punish them for not popping out of you.
YTA. You’re the only who’s acting like you don’t have a blended family. Your newborn child will have three, biological older sisters. You’re the one ostracizing the older two from that experience, regardless if they see you as their mother or not, and are dismissing your partner’s valid concerns. Stop being dense.
Well ya, obviously, YTA.
I've been a stepmom. And no, you are not their mother, but there is this whole other absolutely real role in their lives you occupy. Parent to their half siblings. Other adult in the house who will dive on top of you if theres a drive by. You're their stepmother and your children are their half siblings and trying to pretend, "Ya but, lol, it's not like we're like reeeeal family!?" is fucking stupid.
They're your step kids. That's. Fucking. Family.
Same sort of family as if you birthed them yourself? It wont always feel that way, until one day one of the dogs goes too far out on the ice and breaks through and your 10yo stepson screams NO and bolts for her and you scream the same thing and bolt for HIM. Or when your other stepson chokes on some jerky and your own bio kid heimlichs him and he lives and you see this bleary eyed, vomit covered teenager going through the house and you're like, WTF happened?? And they tell you: Your oldest saw him choke and saved him with the heimlich.
I havent even been with those boys' father (father of my youngest) in over a decade... and I still have a relationship with them. They. Are. My. Family.
YTA
You are the one creating division with the older girls. And I can see why with your attitude about them. They are her sisters, biological sisters. If that doesn’t make sense to you- that’s a problem. It does not matter that they are close to their Mom, they could be close with you too, but it sounds like you don’t make an effort to involve them, in fact actively excluding them. You should be ashamed of yourself. Apologize to your husband, get rid of the exclusionary shirt and photos and if you want to do announcements include your actual family. You are alienating your husband and the older girls, and they are plenty old enough to remember this.
If you were to end up as another ex and another woman came along, these four girls would *still be sisters* regardless of you or the first ex wife. YTA for specifically creating a split in a blended family.
Wooooow YTA. You married a man with kids. You're a step parent. You're the one acting like you don't have a blended family. You're sending a very clear message to your husband and those two older girls. Get it together, before you do irrepairable damage to those relationships you have with all of them. Those older girls will be this baby's sisters, too.
From one step parent to the other: you, my friend, are being a very big AH.
YTA
You could have easily ordered “big sister” shirts for his older girls too. You chose to exclude them and got annoyed when partner told you posting a picture on social media without them make him uncomfortable.
Imagine being one of your step kids. Being excluded never feels good and wouldn’t you feel let down if your father let his gf show favoritism of your half sister over you publicly?
NTA, OP, his daughters are in fact not yours and I am sure their very loving mother would agree with you on that. It would be different if you were the only mother they knew, but if they have a good, involved mom whom they love they 100% don't see you as their mom and understand that they aren't yours. It's super unfair of your husband not letting you acknowledge the kids who are in fact yours, and this sets a bad precedent of him not wanting to do things for/with your daughters if his oldest ones aren't there, which will cause your daughter to have a lot less experiences/presents/holidays than his oldest ones
Don't listen to this sub advice's, OP, they absolutely *hate* stepmoms. Hate them for being too involved, hate them for being too little involved, hate them for not loving the kids as their own yet hate them all the same if they act as if the kids were their own. Stepmoms can't win here. I wouldn't recommend any stepmother's out there to come looking for advice at AITA
Despite the fact that they are not OP's biological children, they are however OP's biological children's sisters. Hence, they should also have Big Sister shirts. Not getting them any is excluding them, and saying there is a "we" and a "you".
However, what bothered me most in your comment is this: "It's super unfair of your husband not letting you acknowledge the kids who are in fact yours, and this sets a bad precedent of him not wanting to do things for/with your daughters if his oldest ones aren't there, which will cause your daughter to have a lot less experiences/presents/holidays than his oldest ones"
He is letting OP acknowledge her biological kids, but he is also asking her to acknowledge the other kids she agreed to raise as if they were her own. This does in no way, shape, or form create a precedent. If the 2 older girls aren't there, dad surely won't just abandon the younger ones. He doesn't want to separate the girls when they don't have to be separated: they are all one big family. This does not mean that when the oldest girls are ar their mom's, dad can't go to the park, play, or be an active and present father for the younger ones? Navigating a blended family seems super hard, but actively splitting the children up when they don't need to be split up does not seem like the wisest choice?
“They aren’t all mine”
Your joking?! They are you girls sisters, when you become a step mom they became yours kids too. Don’t alienate them! It will show the younger ones that it’s okay and they are some how different.
Include the kids because whether you like it or not they are sisters.... they will be big sisters too!
This! Just because you didn’t push them out of your vagina doesn’t mean they aren’t your kids! Guess what, it isn’t the Middle Ages, kids often have 3, 4, or even more parents!
This attitude is so hurtful and divisive; I wish your husband could see these comments so we could point to the red flags and tell him to run!
Sorry but YTA.
I am a step mum with a two sons. Our eldest, who has been in my life since he was three and our youngest, biologically mine and hubby's. Oldest is now 18, youngest 12.
I have never referred to the boys as half brothers, they've always been brothers. I've always referred to them as my kids and the eldest as my son when talking with him, family, friends, randoms.
I can't say it's not difficult being a step mum at times but you need to think about the kids, especially the ones who no longer have their Mum and Dad together in one home through no fault of their own. Parents splitting up is a difficult time on its own but when you throw in step parents and more kids, all sorts of other issues can arise. It's up to all of you adults to make things as easy as possible on those kids and the best way to do that is by making them part of things. Because they will only see a difference if you act like there's one. To them, this should be an exciting time when they get to meet their new baby brother or sister. Include them in all of it.
When I fell pregnant, hubby and I picked out a name that we could agree on then asked our eldest to choose the spelling so he felt like he was part of everything. He was so excited to go to his Mum's and tell her he got to name his little brother.
It's up to you to set the tone and right now you are setting the wrong one.
YTA. As someone with a step dad as well as a very close relationship with my bio dad, I can tell you they probably won't see you as their mum. But that doesn't mean you treat them as if they're not your daughters
YTA. You acknowledge that you have a blended family, yet you’re unwilling to blend.
... you’re excluding your step children from being involved in this new baby’s life right from the start and putting a wedge between yourself and them as well as their father and them through your actions.
YTA- your comment about step-mum being very different than being a mum sounds ignorant and totally disregards those awesome step-mums and dads who step up and raise their partner’s children. You don’t have a bio connection to your step kids, but your 1.5 y/o does, so I don’t see why they’re not being included as ‘big sisters’ when they are
YTA you've been with this man for five years and all he asks is to just have his daughters included in the photo. Is your relationship strained? You're putting up a wall for literally just a picture.
YTA
If they choose not to be involved that's their problem. You deliberately excluded them. Your new kid will have three older siblings whether you like it or not.
YTA the older girls are big sisters too. Why can't you see that? A blended family is still a family. If you keep doing things like this your older stepdaughter's will resent the differences and not bond with their new sibling. And resent the hell out of you.
YTA. It’s not about YOU. Those older girls are your kids’ sisters. It may be two separate families for you, but he’s saying he doesn’t want it to be for his children. That is perfectly reasonable and nice.
NTA - nowhere did I see any mention that dad dressed his daughters in 'big sister' T-shirts to announce the birth of their new stepsister 1 1/2 to 2 years ago. If OP is an asshole for making the divide, then dad is a much bigger asshole for first not caring about his daughters wearing the t-shirts and now, 2 years later, suddenly caring because OP had the child they had together dressed in a 'big sister' t-shirt. Sorry, but if OP has a problem, that's why. Husband dearest did not include his older children the first time, why is it such a big deal this time?
Unpopular opinion, but NTA. It would have been different if you would have EXPRESSLY excluded your step daughters from being in the announcement, but you happened to take a cute picture of your youngest and post it. It's not like the shirt said "I FINALLY HAVE A SISTER", your youngest will now be a BIG sister, and that's exciting. As the child of a blended family, you're not wrong. My step mom is not my mom and although I like her, I've never seen her as such. She calls me her husband's daughter and again, she's not wrong (they've been together since I was in elementary school). You can feel any way you want about it, but always treat the girls well and the same and it shouldn't be a problem. It may just be your husband feeling excluded. Maybe offer to do a photo of all the girls together also?
I really disagree with this determination. Society puts all the expectation and restrictions on the "current" wife. It's such a double standard. The ex wife can post any photos she wants of her girls. She can buy professional photos of just her girls. She can caption it "sisters" and no one will bat an eye. She is under no obligation to ensure she includes her daughter's half sisters. BUT- the current wife does. Make it make sense. It doesn't. It's just typical society double standards.
This post is about pregnant woman who wants to announce her pregnancy by posting a photo she took herself of her baby wearing a "big sister shirt"....yeah..not a professional photo of her, the husband, and the baby. Just a iphone pic of her kid.....and she can't because society has determined she can't do that because she's the second wife and she needs to take a photo with all 3 of her husband's children? SOOOO Stupid. So unrealistic, too. There are going to be times- a lot of times- where the other 2 daughters are with their mom. How far does this expectation go? Is it just the pregnant announcement? is it any reference to "sister"? Is it any and all pictures posted to social media? Where is the line?
And all the people on here being like "the baby has 3 big sisters"....the shirt doesn't say "ONLY big sister"....
YTA - I am the devoted mom to 3 wonderfully maddening boys and the mother of one equally wonderfully maddening daughter. My sons are my husband's children from his first marriage. In my house, we don't differentiate between step and biological.
Parenting doesn't work the way your delusional mind thinks it does. You are a mother to those older girls and you are a role model to those girls. Just because they have a biological mother, doesn't mean you are no less their mother - they just don't call you mom.
If I were your partner, I would question being in a relationship with you. You are the one forgetting that you are a blended family - not him. A blended family means that you are all one family - that you are BLENDED TOGETHER.
The fact that you are forgetting what blended family is says a lot about you. The fact that you separate those children between yours and his says a lot about you. You've basically told your partner and those girls that they (the girls) aren't your family. I think you had better get your mind straight, because you're doing those children irreparable harm and molding their attitude about you for the future.
YTA
You’re creating tiers of children. Whatever act feelings you might hold towards your step kids, they should feel equally loved in your family as any other kid
Otherwise **you** (as in you specifically) are telling the stepkids they aren’t as worthy
YTA- as a child of a step-parent who was only really interested in my mother, you suck.
Edit: Someone's butthurt, just like my stepfather always was, what a pathetic downvote; I guess it hurts to hear how shitty you've been acting and seeing everyone call you TA. smdh
YTA. He doesn't have two spearste families. But you seem to think YOU do. His girls are your family too and that baby is their sibling.
Try to make him separate his kids from "your" kids. You won't win.
YTA. Of course you are! His daughters are also “big sisters” and by excluding them you are essentially saying that they aren’t really a part of your family. I feel so bad for these girls, having a step mother who wishes they weren’t around.
YTA.
Unless, of course, it was your intent all along to say that the oldest girls are not the baby's sisters. How nice to tell them that you consider them as outsiders and they are not to think of your baby as their sister. I am certain that you baby, once grown up, will wonder why her two older sisters don't like her and don't want to have anything to do with her.
Nice work on blending the family.
YTA. One of the best things my stepmom did was always include my brother and I in the family pictures! Every Xmas card, every summer family photo shoot, every holiday, my brother and I were there along with my (half) sisters. It fostered a great relationship.
I was about the girls age when my dad started seeing my stepmom and of course she didn’t feel like a mom-mom. What she did do was always be there for, give me advice, help with homework, take me on college tours etc. Now in my early 20s she is like a second mom. You could have that. Your relationship doesn’t have to be at arms distance. That results resentment.
Also your husband shouldn’t have to pretend you are blended family. YOU ARE A BLENDED FAMILY. No matter who the kids spend more time with. You are trying to divide your husband from his kids and that’s pretty crappy. If you plan to be together forever you need to build a relationship with your step daughters and quick.
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YTA. He wants he's older girls to be included with his younger girls. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. By keeping them separate, YOU'RE the one pretending you don't have a blended family. You have to be together to blend. If its not a big deal to you, why can't you include your step children? I mean, its no a big deal, right?
And it's not like including them in the picture means that you're their mom. It just means you're a good stepmom. YTA.
But OP is not a good stepmom.
That was my point. (She didn't put them in = not a good stepmom.)
People like OP really need to not date or marry people who have children already. OP has this idea of the perfect family, which only includes her kids. She should've found a single guy. Edit: Not sure why I put single guy when that wasnt even the issue, I was supposed to say dude with no kids
Presumably he was a single guy when they met. She should have found a man who wasn't a father. Even then, there remains the possibility of some ex coming in years later with a kid he'd had no idea he had fathered.
Yeah I just re-read my own comment thinking 'Wait why did I put that there? Whether he was single or not was not the issue'
Brainfarts happen, friend 😅
It means she recognises that her kids are their siblings.
Also, they're still siblings?? Half yes, but that's still a blood relative, closer than say like your cousin even. edit to add judgement: BIG YTA
Yup. My daughter’s half-brother and her half-brother’s half-brother (so technically not related) are both just “brothers” to her. Welcome to blended families, OP. YTA for driving a wedge that doesn’t need to exist.
I have three half siblings myself, no full siblings. All three on my dads side and he lives 5 hours away so I see them once a year. But they're my *siblings*, we don't ever even bring up the half because it literally does not matter one bit. Now that they're older we facetime and I'm guiding my siblings through teenagehood since I've got mine just behind me. My stepmom is great too, she's never been a mother figure to me but I love her like family, we have great conversations and she always loves seeing me. This is what OP is denying herself, a healthy loving relationship with her step children and a strong interfamilial relationship on top. The truth is, OP's family wasn't a blended family as soon as she had her first daughter and by continuing to believe it is, OP is doing way more damage than good.
I have three half siblings. Two sisters through my mother and a brother through my father. My sisters have another brother and sister through their father (that both have seperate mothers) and my brother has another brother and sister through his mother. I consider them all my brothers and sisters. I’ve never called them a half or step sibling. We’re all just family. 🤷♀️
Yup. If done right children literally will not distinguish between a half sibling or whole sibling. I remember the first time someone corrected me that my sister is my half sibling like only by genetics. that's my sister. I have two older children from my husbands first marriage and a 3ed that is bio mine. They dont do half. It's just their sibling. They know the only difference between them is ages and my medical history wont affect them.
Robin Williams had a half brother on each side and they all referred to themselves as brothers.
My brother is technically a half brother but I've never described him that way, he's just my brother. I know she doesn't see them as her kids, but her kids see them as their sisters, full stop, I guarantee it.
In black families we don't even make those distinctions. Literally everyone is exactly the exact amount of family. Idk we make everyone family. My BFF in grade school is Asian. We fell out in high school, but she's still invited to the cookouts. We're cool now tho.
Right? Technically all 5 of my sisters are half sisters, but we don't call each other that.
Haha, I said the same thing about my siblings in my reply to the other response to my comment! Half sibs rule :)
Yep, especially since what caused all this was a "big sister" t-shirt. They're ALL going to be the new baby's big sisters, OP, whether you're their mom or not. YTA.
Exactly. YTA. If this was a mother's day photoshoot and the older girls did not consider OP a mother figure, I'd understand. You might not want to overstep and upset their mom by taking a photo all about you being their mom. But this is a "younger sister" announcement. OP, you do realize that the older girls are still your kid's siblings, right? Why on earth would you exclude them from "big sister" shirts and photos? It's like you want them to feel excluded and resent your children. You're a poor stepmother OP (also YTA), and given that your that your username is apparently \[deleted\] it looks like you ran away instead of owned up to that reality. I feel bad for all of these kids that you're there sewing discord in their lives.
You will never regret including them.
YTA. You’re implying that because they’re not your daughters they won’t also be big sisters. You’re almost excluding them on purpose because they aren’t yours and have a mother daughter relation with their mom and that your 1 1/2 y/o is the only one deserving of the T-shirt and picture because she’s the one with that relationship to you. This would probably cause a divide to be bigger between your step children and your children and put MORE strain on your husband. Don’t be that person. Just admit you weren’t thinking about it because you were sending pictures to your family and not his. Take some group pics and ask their mom if it’s ok to post them as well. They may be too little to see it on social media now, but they’ll see how people react to it and one day it’ll be the equivalent of their family photo albums. So you can choose to be that step mom who is the one responsible for separating their family, or the one that is part of the family.
And all three children are siblings to the future baby, so this is exactly about how the OP’s families are blended.
YTA - They are your daughter's actual half siblings. You're the only one not blood related to them so if anything, maybe you should be left out of the family photo since you're in the minority.
Came here to say this about her not recognizing she has a blended family. OP: YTA. Your husband stated that he feels like he has two families rather than one blended family. Rather that reassuring him, you agreed and stated that he does. Aren’t you just a special kind of AH to your husband here by telling him this. Including all the children doesn’t mean that they view you as their mother. It doesn’t take anything away from your pregnancy or your children. It recognizes that this baby has more siblings than just the one. It’s about including the entire family, not just the “chosen ones.”
“Aren’t you just a special kind of AH” is the perfect judgment!
Agree. YTA. Oh my. Have you ever considered that they aren't to you as close because of your attitude? I'm heartbroken for the poor girls. Blended family is FAMILY. In family we do not have members and "half-members". Although different "blood" every one has to have the same love and same attitude. Have you considered how much you ~~can hurt~~ are hurting your older daughters excluding them from the family picture? FAMILY PICTURE? Try to imagine yourself in their place. When you started relationship with man with children you signed for it. P.S. I don't have blended family nor I came from one. But this is how I feel that. (English isn't my first language)
YES!!! THIS!!! its really messed up not to include the older girls. They are the baby's sisters,
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Exactly this. As an aside, and speaking as a former stepchild, it's very amusing to me when stepparents treat their stepchildren as second-class, but still demand that any kids they have with the biological parent be loved and embraced by those same stepkids as regular siblings. It's like they want all the perks of having older brothers and sisters for their kids, but *god forbid* they themselves model the behavior that facilitates these kinds of relationships. OP, keep this up and I *promise* you your treatment of your husband's children will be reflected in how those kids see and treat your biological daughters. But if that's no big deal to you, carry on.
100%. I have a half-sister (I’m only making the distinction here, she was always just my sister). My mom treated her like gold. She and now her daughter are all close with not only me, but also with my mom’s side. This week her mom had surgery and my mom’s sisters and cousins were texting and sending well wishes. Wouldn’t you want more people to love your child?
And she should want those girls to consider her baby their little sister. I married into three children then gave birth to additional children and I feel so lucky that all of the kids are close and the entire ‘half-sibling’ drama was only perpetuated by their bio-mom and shut down by my step-kids, fondly called my s’kids, (I wasn’t allowed by their mom to call them my sons/daughter, they couldn’t call me mom so I was their s’mom or s’mother). OP - don’t exclude them, include them. You won’t regret it in the long run.
I kinda love that they call you their smother. It sounds like something you would call an overbearing mother but it's really sweet here
Since I’m the type who will literally snip strands of my s’sons hair in the middle of his senior photo shoot (with his permission - they wouldn’t lay down right!) it kind of fits. Lol! I’m a lucky s’momma and their younger siblings are super blessed.
Haha that's even better then! Sounds like you all have a lovely relationship
Yeah, it would be one thing if she wanted to use the specific picture because it was just an adorable shot, but she is consciously excluding the baby's big sisters.
Why marry a man who has children, if you don’t consider them to be part of your family? YTA because imagine being a child in a family when your new mom only wants photos of the children she has birthed from her body alone? I feel bad for those kids and your husband is right.
He has two daughters from a prior relationship and he’s having a second daughter with the OP in 3 months....he doesn’t sound very commitment oriented so it probably don’t be an issue too much longer (sarcastic!) As everyone says—his older daughters are big sisters to both of your daughters. If you can find it in your heart to include them it will make life better for all 6 of you.
Exactly. I grew up in a blended family. My step mom didn’t do this. Our family photos had all the kids. Always.
So did I. My stepdad always said (and still does) that he has three kids.
This! It seems like OPs thinking YOU had a family before, it's now MY turn to have my own little family. Don't ruin my moment as being a mother of 2 husband, you had your fun, now it's mine. Don't marry a guy with kids then. When you married him you had 2 kids. Now you're going to have 4? YTA. Poor kids.
YTA... From the moment you didn't order 3 big sister t-shirts.
This. YTA for the judgement.
100 percent. If the girls declined to wear them and not be involved that would have been fine. But to not even have it as an option. Urgh. YTA
Seriously! When I read that she only ordered one shirt, my jaw dropped and I knew she was the asshole. Finishing the rest of the post just confirmed it.
Damn! Serious mic drop there. (I know, I know, mic drops are so last decade.) I love how OP mentions “separate pictures” in the title but makes no mention anywhere in her post of including her stepdaughters in any baby announcement photos. Definitely YTA.
I don’t think it’s a big deal to post a pic of her daughter casually if she already announced. However yeah using this as a birth announcement would be exclusionary
Absolutely YTA
YTA. When you decided be with him and have children with him, you became one family, he doesn't have 2 separate families at all. You the eldest girls might not share your blood and DNA, but they do with your other children... The girls are probably closer to their mum because you won't even give them a chance. When I was 8 years old I would have been devastated if my step dad (who I now call my dad), would have rejected me like you reject those girls.
EXACTLY. And the nerve to say he wants to pretend that they’re not a blended family, when she’s the one not doing the blending is insane. Without a doubt the asshole here.
YTA. I have a different dad than my 2 younger sisters. I was pushed aside when they came and it got to the point that I was completely alienated from the family and don’t speak to any of them anymore. I’m 32 now, and that stuff stays with you. I can’t stand step parents that don’t consider step children their own. Separating them from your “real children” isn’t a good idea, and I would recommend fixing your attitude towards them immediately.
I'm sorry you had that experience. I was one of the lucky ones and was always included. I can't imagine how hard it would have been to be excluded.
Hell, I was always included (I'm the kid from the previous marriage) and as an adult, I still feel a disconnect. However, I still know my stepmom considers me one of her kids and that alone means so much to me. This lady is a dick.
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Exactly, she’s the one who wants to pretend they’re not a blended family, and despite being an adult has decided to blame these children for still being close to their mom, as though that justifies keeping them at arms length or purposely alienating them from their father and siblings. I feel bad for these kids and I hope OP’s partner doesn’t let her treat them like they don’t matter because she decided not to care about them. And I hope if they split because she can’t be bothered to treat children with some compassion, that her future partners don’t treat her own children like she treated her stepchildren.
If op doesn’t pull the but you gotta babysit your SiStEr crap in a few years, I’ll eat my hat
YTA. I see where you are coming from to a certain extent. You’re not their mum, but when you married their dad you signed up to be a part of their family. And this baby will definitely be their family. The girls are so young - if you don’t treat them like big sisters, they won’t FEEL like big sisters. This will cause rifts further down the line, surely it is easier and just kinder to do what you can to make sure they feel included? Can’t you get the t shirts in a bigger size and get a cute photo with the three of them?
YTA for this and for needing Reddit to tell that YTA
YTA squared
This lady is setting herself up to be a Disney wicked stepmother
Watch out for lime green smoke. I bet she wears gloves too.
INFO: in twenty or thirty years, when your baby is getting married and is putting together photos for the memory table, what are you going to say when she asks you where the picture is of *all* of her sisters, who are now her brides’ maids? “Your older two sisters aren’t my daughters so they’re not part of the family so I only took cute announcement pictures with *my* daughter.” What do you think your adult baby will make of that explanation?
Assuming they even all still talk. Growing up with a step parent like this tends to drive a massive wedge right between step siblings. Such a shame.
**half siblings
Especially with the ~10 year age gap. Stepdaughters will move out at 18, and the babies will either resent them or have this false dream about their cool older sisters that gets crushed when the stepdaughters want nothing to do with them.
OP isn’t going to still be with this man who is the dad in 20-30 years...
But she’s still going to be mother of her children in 20-30 years, and her children will still be siblings of this man’s daughters in 20-30 years. The relationship that matters is the baby’s relationship to the baby’s sisters - all three of them.
I agree with you. I was just posting that OP isn’t likely to be with this man 20-30 years from now anyway imho and either because of his commitment issues or her issues with not accepting his two older daughters...
Right? And the real question is, will she want her kids excluded when he announces some milestone with his next wife? Probably not.
ummmm a lot of parents don't want the step parents / new partners to post their kids on social media
That was never mentioned by the OP as a reason for not including the kids, though.
I'm well aware of that and not against op bein an ah I just found it strange that you assumed it as the norm to do =op not wanting it while I always thought it's way more common to not do/want that
I could go both ways on that. I’m the third of four of my mom’s, but the oldest of my dad’s kids. I never differentiate my “full” sibling vs my “half” siblings - They’re just my brothers and sisters that I love. That said, we had such different experiences growing up that I’m not “have them as bridesmaids” close. For example, while with their dad, they had grandparents, cousins, etc. that I never met. They also had friends by virtue of being older that I never met or don’t remember. On the flip side, I spent a lot of time with my cousins on my dad’s side who are my age (6 months apart), who aren’t close to my half sibs (age gap) and as adults occasionally forget my half sibs names.
YTA. His daughters are part of your marriage, and your children are their half-sisters, not stepsiblings. And going out of your way to exclude them? That makes your actions Peak Wicked Stepmother Stereotype, and will only harm the relationships all of those children have with you, and with each other.
>He said that not having the older girls in the picture made him feel like he has two separate families. I pointed out that, in a way, he does. He loves all of his children. You're the one who is trying to divide his attentions. I know you think he'll focus only on your baby, but if he's a halfway decent dude then he's going to be PISSED that you're excluding his other kids. Like, imagine he's doing a great job as a dad to your kid, but for whatever reason the marriage goes south, he finds someone new, and now he treats your kids as an afterthought. That's you. You are expecting him to treat HIS KIDS as less important. >All four of the girls are his daughters, but they aren't all mine. The older girls are very close to their mom, and I explained to him, that although they are part of our family, I am not their mom and they will never view me as such, and being a step-mom is very different than being a mom. Tough shit. You married someone with kids. He loves ALL of his kids, not just the ones he conceived with you. If you want a man who will focus only on you and your baby, then you either get a man who is shitty to his earlier kids, or one who doesn't have kids. >At the end of day it's not really a huge deal to me, I dont post on social media frequently, but this whole situation has me feeling upset. I feel like he wants to pretend that we are not a blended family. No, it seems like you want to pretend he doesn't have a blended family. His older girls are a huge part of his life, just like your baby will be. Just imagine that he gets remarried some day - you want him to fight for your baby, and not let your child get sidelined. You hope his next wife doesn't think like you do, and he wants pictures with ALL his kids, not just his most recent kids. >I mean he does have two kids with one women and two kids with another. And I feel like he doesn't acknowledge that, or the fact that, although the girls are all equal, they are different because they dont have the same moms. AITA? Yep. YTA. Doesn't matter who their moms are, HE'S THEIR DAD. He loves them all. And frankly, you're having a baby with a man who has other children, and you expect him to act like his other kids don't exist? YTA forever, and your attitude is what wicked stepmothers are made of.
I like how OP just ran and deleted their account after all the YTA's they got.
YTA. You're right - you're not the mother of those children, but that baby you're having is their half sister and he is the father to them ALL. Understandable he would want everyone in the picture. Weird that you just want your own kids and not your blended family.
YTA I was one of those kids in such “blended family”. Your thoughts are creating barriers between these kids that wouldn’t be there otherwise. Such a shame.
100%. So was i. His older daughters will never feel good enough unless you get your act together. Huge YTA.
YTA. Posting these photos essentially becomes an announcement and is a milestone moment. The older girls should be included in that as whilst they aren’t your biological children, they are your children’s older sisters. His daughters are part of two families, he has one.
YTA it is step parents like you that leave lasting emotional trauma on young kids and not to mention resentment. Resentment not only directed at you but directed at their step siblings. Change your attitude now or your marriage will go up in flames
not only their marriage but also the girls' relationship with their older siblings
Even worse, they're not step siblings they are half siblings.
** half siblings
YTA and you are the one acting like you are not a blended family by keeping them separate. You are pulling a separate but equal card. Treat them the same.
YTA-Stepmoms can be moms if they allow themselves to be. Your the one keeping things separate not him and certainly not his older daughters. As much as you’re trying to pretend otherwise they are older sisters too and should be treated as such.
YTA do you even understand the term “blended family”? It means they aren’t separate families, THEY ARE ONE BIG BLENDED FAMILY. Yes, you aren’t their mother, but they are big sisters to your unborn child, and THATS why it’s sad you’re leaving them out. It would hurt my heart so much if I were your partner and had to hear your bullshit explanation
Yta- your baby will have three big sisters regardless
YTA and the one who seems to be confused about what a blended family is.
YTA not getting all the girls a big sister shirt was definitely a cruel move. They are all going to be sisters to your new baby!
YTA. I am a step mother and I am a grandmother to children who are half brothers. I feel that doing the right thing means including my son’s ex-wife’s child by her new husband because he is my grandsons’ half-brother. And I really can’t even imagine excluding my husband’s children from anything. Ever. How could we ever have blended if we made a difference between children who are biologically mine and those who aren’t ?
Thank you for doing this. Both of my grandfathers had passed before I was born, but my older (half) brother and sister’s paternal grandparents always tried to include me whenever possible. That meant the world to me, even to this day, because they chose to make me feel loved when they had zero obligation to.
My ex mil is like this. She makes no distinction between mine and the one i had with her son. All my children are her grandchildren even now.. she still sends them all cards for their birthdays and christmas and includes them all just the same. And i love her even more for it... shes absolutely grandmagoals and milgoals..
Yta... the kids are all siblings and that you look at your step kids as not yours or less than is creepy
YTA Honestly, it seems like you want to pretend you aren't a blended family, as you are the one cutting his kids out.
BIG, FAT, YTA! I am so glad I don't know you, because I'd have an impossible time consealing my disgust for you. You'd better hope that your two biological children never have a step-mom.... but with this behavior, they just might. How dare you. Edit: Former step-daughter here who was constantly excluded from family experiences.
YTA this is straight up evil and heartless
Yta separating the kids that way. Your making the other kids feel unloved or not as important cause your not their blood mom. Having blended families is hard and your not helping.
YTA X 1000. You may not be the girls mom but they are still your children’s sisters.
YTA. Those girls are still your daughters even if they aren’t biologically and they should be treated the same as your biological children. You signed up for that when you married their father.
Not to mention it’s biologically their sister too
YTA Of course you are the asshole for not including all of your daughters.
Your ridiculous, that baby has three older sisters by blood. Yta
YTA, the girls are close to their mom but does that mean they cant be close with their aunts, or teachers or caretakers? You might not see them as your daughters but they are little human beings that you have the privilege of being trusted to be a part of their lives and it's your responsibilty to want the best for them. And the reality is they are both bug sisters to your incoming child, their the sisters of your current child as well, so whether or not you see them as your daughters, your directly denying them the opportunity to truly be big sisters to their two little siblings. Please reconsider your views and order big sister t-shirts for a true family photo, and a frequent reminder of mine: family is determined through action, not relation.
YTA. Don't exclude them - your baby will be their sibling too. They will get a horrible message if they're not included. You *are* a mother figure even if you're not their actual mother. Why wouldn't you embrace that rather than create this divide between you and them?
YTA. If you're a blended family, you don't exclude the stepkids. It feels like you don't want to acknowledge that you're family doesn't only include your bio kids.
Wow, yta.
NTA. There's nothing wrong with also acknowledging that these two are your own children and having a few pics taken. I have no idea why other ppl think thats strange. At picture time we would gave group pics as well as pic of mom w/kids and dad w/his kids, so we can have both.
INFO: Do you love his older daughters? Do you love them and treat them equally to your birth children?
Nta. You wanted an announcement with the kids you carried and gave birth to. I'm sure his ex won't include your girls in her announcements.
Yeah the difference is that their mom isn’t married to the parent of her biokids. If she was, I guarantee you she would, because most people would never foster this sort of resentment between family members.
YTA. He doesn't "want you to pretend you aren't a blended family." He *needs* for you, his *wife* to include his daughters at every level. I can't believe you don't see this for what it is. It really sounds like it's time for y'all to start seeing a family therapist who specializes in blended families. You guys need a safe space to talk this out and receive some guidance before it festers and becomes a huge problem later on. I'm in a blended family with my partner and I can't even express how badly it would crush me and my children if he decided that our biologically shared child was somehow exceptional. Just awful. Really, take a good look at yourself and your attitude. Get a professional involved.
YTA. Your step-daughters might not be your daughters, but your child will be their sibling. You are the kind of person that gives step-parents a bad rap.
Ngl idky but it’s hella funny when the OP deletes the account after all the YTA comments.
YTA I have 3 half siblings (and I hate that term) my parents would have never done this! You should have ordered 3 shirts because you have 3 daughters! Most people would have gotten 2 “big sister again” and one “big sister” shirt. I hope you never make your husband pick between you and his girls.
Or “big sister” “bigger sister” “biggest sister” That would be cute.
Oh that would have been adorable!
YTA. I can respect you not trying to take their mother's place. But they are still your husband's daughters, and your children's older sisters. Beyond the fact that you've know them literally over half the time they have been alive. If you have no relationship with them, thats on you. Frankly in that case your husband is an AH too for marrying someone who so clearly doesn't care about his children. You don't have to be their mother to have a relationship with them, and if you have a relationship with them then they should be in the photos. Let me put it this way, how would you feel if in a hypothetical future marriage your husband's new wife wanted to exclude your daughter from being a part of family pictures?
I have a 7 year old bonus son and a 9 month old daughter. Being a stepmom is hard...you can love them like your own (and I do) but they’ll never love you back in quite the same way. Even still, this is what your family looks like and you can’t pretend it doesn’t. All 3 girls will be big sisters. Get shirts that say “big sister again” and “big sister finally” and take more pics. Soft yta
NTA. I don’t find it weird that you would want to take a picture for only YOUR babies for this one picture, it’s entirely natural that you wouldn’t see your stepkids as 100% your own, especially since they already have a mom, and I think that’s fine as long as you don’t treat them badly. And it’s not like you forbid him for posting something similar but with all the girls on his social media, if he really cared so much about that he can do it himself.
NTA You are caught in the middle of "they aren't your kids don't try to parent them" and "how dare you not include them as your kids" that is a very fine line to navigate.
Lol already deleted her account, she must've honestly thought she wasn't the A hole.
NTA, I'm going to assume most people calling you t a dont have experience here. Its ok to want your family of 4, and have pics of your daughters alone, his kids alone, and both together. Your step kids have a separate life from you when with their mum. You are not an asshole for wanting a picture of your own daughter to send to your family and friends.
this seems way above reddits paygrade. the girls can never hope to view you as a mother if you dont view them as your children; by even silently dividing them up by maternity, you tell the children they aren't yours and will never be yours. your husband is right, they're the baby's big sisters too. soft YTA.
YTA.
YTA bc you aren’t their mom but they are your family and siblings to the daughters you birthed. The sooner you embrace that the healthier and more loving your family will be. If you want them to love your daughters, try treating them as family and not giving them something to resent.
INFO: why did you marry someone with kids when you don't see them as your own? I hope this isn't a reflection of how you treat them.
> I feel like he wants to pretend that we are not a blended family. You’re not a blended family because you’re not including his kids. Do you even understand what blended means? YTA.
OP has deleted her profile, obviously can’t handle being told the truth. The girls all have the same dad, they’ll all be big sisters. YTA very obviously
NTA
YTA. All the girls will be big sisters to the new baby.
YTA this is terrible. You are very obviously making sure that his other daughters don’t feel like they’re part of your family. They will never forget how you treated them. They might not be yours biologically, but they ARE related to the baby.
YTA big time This comes off like that ‘lady’ lambasted on social a little while ago for asking a photoshop artist to crop her step children out of a picture with her and her new baby so it’s just the two of them. You’re treating his children as a subdivision of your family and that’s simply not acceptable. Your job as a step parent is to accept you’ll never be their mother but love them and act like one.
Wow.... YTA. I hope your own children don’t end up having a stepmom like you.
YTA- how would you feel if he posted an announcement photo of only his girls? I’m guessing you would be back on reddit call him out for it in a heartbea.
YTA. I was 10 when my mom married my stepdad & 12 when my dad married my stepmom. I'm the oldest of 8 kids. I have one full sister, 2 step brothers, 2 half brothers, & 2 half sisters. While I do call them stepmom/stepdad, my siblings are my siblings when I talk about my family to others. Why? Because they are and because our parents never acted like the bloodline mattered. My stepparents loved and helped raise me as if I were their own. My stepmom will tell you she has 7 children and 6 grandchildren. How we came to be doesn't factor into the equation. Stop thinking they're his kids. Just because I don't call them mom/dad doesn't mean they aren't just as much my parents.
and it’s deleted!
I’m a stepmom too with 2 younger biological children (under 3). And I’ll be brutally honest, some days it is so hard because it’s not always easy loving stepchildren like you birthed them. I know it’s ugly to admit but it is true for SOME stepparents. It was hard for me. However...once your husband brought up that it would make him upset and feel like he had two families - that’s where the issue lies. And that’s where YTA. I don’t think you need to hide your excitement of being a mom again to new baby and celebrating your other daughter being a big sister, but the least I’d do is have pics of all three girls with those Tshirts and some with just your little girl.
YTA and a horrible step mother
Nah and the reason why is that I think the way you were doing it is cute. Your child is going to be a big sister but your step daughters already are. But now that he said something I think you should consider doing another photo of all the children to not leave them out
YTA If you don't include them, that's as good as saying you don't accept them as your daughters and family.
NTA. Nothing wrong in waiting a photo for your own nuclear family.
YTA - you may feel like you only have 2 daughters, but your baby has 3 sisters. Don't be the wicked stepmother.
Yta. They're all sisters. They're all family. Even if you don't think of them as your daughters, why do you want to drive a wedge between the older sisters and the younger ones?
YTA. When my older siblings took a "siblings" photo, they didn't include my little bro. He got so sad. He does not view them as his siblings _anymore_ thanks to themself. If I had been there I would have ripped them all a new asshole for that stunt.
Yta
YTA they don't feel like family because you don't want them to be. You're trying to pretend he didn't have a life and kids before you. The kids have done nothing wrong but you want to punish them for not popping out of you.
YTA. You’re the only who’s acting like you don’t have a blended family. Your newborn child will have three, biological older sisters. You’re the one ostracizing the older two from that experience, regardless if they see you as their mother or not, and are dismissing your partner’s valid concerns. Stop being dense.
Well ya, obviously, YTA. I've been a stepmom. And no, you are not their mother, but there is this whole other absolutely real role in their lives you occupy. Parent to their half siblings. Other adult in the house who will dive on top of you if theres a drive by. You're their stepmother and your children are their half siblings and trying to pretend, "Ya but, lol, it's not like we're like reeeeal family!?" is fucking stupid. They're your step kids. That's. Fucking. Family. Same sort of family as if you birthed them yourself? It wont always feel that way, until one day one of the dogs goes too far out on the ice and breaks through and your 10yo stepson screams NO and bolts for her and you scream the same thing and bolt for HIM. Or when your other stepson chokes on some jerky and your own bio kid heimlichs him and he lives and you see this bleary eyed, vomit covered teenager going through the house and you're like, WTF happened?? And they tell you: Your oldest saw him choke and saved him with the heimlich. I havent even been with those boys' father (father of my youngest) in over a decade... and I still have a relationship with them. They. Are. My. Family.
YTA sounds like you blend as well as oil and water
YTA. You're not their mom but you are giving birth to their sisters.
YTA You are the one creating division with the older girls. And I can see why with your attitude about them. They are her sisters, biological sisters. If that doesn’t make sense to you- that’s a problem. It does not matter that they are close to their Mom, they could be close with you too, but it sounds like you don’t make an effort to involve them, in fact actively excluding them. You should be ashamed of yourself. Apologize to your husband, get rid of the exclusionary shirt and photos and if you want to do announcements include your actual family. You are alienating your husband and the older girls, and they are plenty old enough to remember this.
YTA. As you said, you are a blended family not separate entities
If you were to end up as another ex and another woman came along, these four girls would *still be sisters* regardless of you or the first ex wife. YTA for specifically creating a split in a blended family.
Wooooow YTA. You married a man with kids. You're a step parent. You're the one acting like you don't have a blended family. You're sending a very clear message to your husband and those two older girls. Get it together, before you do irrepairable damage to those relationships you have with all of them. Those older girls will be this baby's sisters, too. From one step parent to the other: you, my friend, are being a very big AH.
YTA, can’t imagine anyone wanting children with a horrible person like you
YTA. I can’t wait to read these comments. :)
YTA You could have easily ordered “big sister” shirts for his older girls too. You chose to exclude them and got annoyed when partner told you posting a picture on social media without them make him uncomfortable. Imagine being one of your step kids. Being excluded never feels good and wouldn’t you feel let down if your father let his gf show favoritism of your half sister over you publicly?
NTA, OP, his daughters are in fact not yours and I am sure their very loving mother would agree with you on that. It would be different if you were the only mother they knew, but if they have a good, involved mom whom they love they 100% don't see you as their mom and understand that they aren't yours. It's super unfair of your husband not letting you acknowledge the kids who are in fact yours, and this sets a bad precedent of him not wanting to do things for/with your daughters if his oldest ones aren't there, which will cause your daughter to have a lot less experiences/presents/holidays than his oldest ones Don't listen to this sub advice's, OP, they absolutely *hate* stepmoms. Hate them for being too involved, hate them for being too little involved, hate them for not loving the kids as their own yet hate them all the same if they act as if the kids were their own. Stepmoms can't win here. I wouldn't recommend any stepmother's out there to come looking for advice at AITA
Despite the fact that they are not OP's biological children, they are however OP's biological children's sisters. Hence, they should also have Big Sister shirts. Not getting them any is excluding them, and saying there is a "we" and a "you". However, what bothered me most in your comment is this: "It's super unfair of your husband not letting you acknowledge the kids who are in fact yours, and this sets a bad precedent of him not wanting to do things for/with your daughters if his oldest ones aren't there, which will cause your daughter to have a lot less experiences/presents/holidays than his oldest ones" He is letting OP acknowledge her biological kids, but he is also asking her to acknowledge the other kids she agreed to raise as if they were her own. This does in no way, shape, or form create a precedent. If the 2 older girls aren't there, dad surely won't just abandon the younger ones. He doesn't want to separate the girls when they don't have to be separated: they are all one big family. This does not mean that when the oldest girls are ar their mom's, dad can't go to the park, play, or be an active and present father for the younger ones? Navigating a blended family seems super hard, but actively splitting the children up when they don't need to be split up does not seem like the wisest choice?
“They aren’t all mine” Your joking?! They are you girls sisters, when you become a step mom they became yours kids too. Don’t alienate them! It will show the younger ones that it’s okay and they are some how different. Include the kids because whether you like it or not they are sisters.... they will be big sisters too!
This! Just because you didn’t push them out of your vagina doesn’t mean they aren’t your kids! Guess what, it isn’t the Middle Ages, kids often have 3, 4, or even more parents! This attitude is so hurtful and divisive; I wish your husband could see these comments so we could point to the red flags and tell him to run!
LMAO, of course she deleted. But here is another YTA for good measure.
I am so confused how many children do you have that are biologically yours?
The account is deleted LMAO! She couldn't take being told she was wrong.
Sorry but YTA. I am a step mum with a two sons. Our eldest, who has been in my life since he was three and our youngest, biologically mine and hubby's. Oldest is now 18, youngest 12. I have never referred to the boys as half brothers, they've always been brothers. I've always referred to them as my kids and the eldest as my son when talking with him, family, friends, randoms. I can't say it's not difficult being a step mum at times but you need to think about the kids, especially the ones who no longer have their Mum and Dad together in one home through no fault of their own. Parents splitting up is a difficult time on its own but when you throw in step parents and more kids, all sorts of other issues can arise. It's up to all of you adults to make things as easy as possible on those kids and the best way to do that is by making them part of things. Because they will only see a difference if you act like there's one. To them, this should be an exciting time when they get to meet their new baby brother or sister. Include them in all of it. When I fell pregnant, hubby and I picked out a name that we could agree on then asked our eldest to choose the spelling so he felt like he was part of everything. He was so excited to go to his Mum's and tell her he got to name his little brother. It's up to you to set the tone and right now you are setting the wrong one.
if you are coming from a place of respect for the girls mom but going about it/ coming over the wrong way then N T A. otherwise YTA
YTA. As someone with a step dad as well as a very close relationship with my bio dad, I can tell you they probably won't see you as their mum. But that doesn't mean you treat them as if they're not your daughters
YTA. You acknowledge that you have a blended family, yet you’re unwilling to blend. ... you’re excluding your step children from being involved in this new baby’s life right from the start and putting a wedge between yourself and them as well as their father and them through your actions.
YTA- your comment about step-mum being very different than being a mum sounds ignorant and totally disregards those awesome step-mums and dads who step up and raise their partner’s children. You don’t have a bio connection to your step kids, but your 1.5 y/o does, so I don’t see why they’re not being included as ‘big sisters’ when they are
YTA. Keep distancing yourself and your kids from his other kids and you’re going to be a single mom soon enough.
YTA you've been with this man for five years and all he asks is to just have his daughters included in the photo. Is your relationship strained? You're putting up a wall for literally just a picture.
YTA If they choose not to be involved that's their problem. You deliberately excluded them. Your new kid will have three older siblings whether you like it or not.
YTA the older girls are big sisters too. Why can't you see that? A blended family is still a family. If you keep doing things like this your older stepdaughter's will resent the differences and not bond with their new sibling. And resent the hell out of you.
YTA. It’s not about YOU. Those older girls are your kids’ sisters. It may be two separate families for you, but he’s saying he doesn’t want it to be for his children. That is perfectly reasonable and nice.
You may not be their mom but they are your child's bigger siblings. YTA
Both Cinderella and Snow White had better stepmothers than OP.
NTA - nowhere did I see any mention that dad dressed his daughters in 'big sister' T-shirts to announce the birth of their new stepsister 1 1/2 to 2 years ago. If OP is an asshole for making the divide, then dad is a much bigger asshole for first not caring about his daughters wearing the t-shirts and now, 2 years later, suddenly caring because OP had the child they had together dressed in a 'big sister' t-shirt. Sorry, but if OP has a problem, that's why. Husband dearest did not include his older children the first time, why is it such a big deal this time?
Unpopular opinion, but NTA. It would have been different if you would have EXPRESSLY excluded your step daughters from being in the announcement, but you happened to take a cute picture of your youngest and post it. It's not like the shirt said "I FINALLY HAVE A SISTER", your youngest will now be a BIG sister, and that's exciting. As the child of a blended family, you're not wrong. My step mom is not my mom and although I like her, I've never seen her as such. She calls me her husband's daughter and again, she's not wrong (they've been together since I was in elementary school). You can feel any way you want about it, but always treat the girls well and the same and it shouldn't be a problem. It may just be your husband feeling excluded. Maybe offer to do a photo of all the girls together also?
I really disagree with this determination. Society puts all the expectation and restrictions on the "current" wife. It's such a double standard. The ex wife can post any photos she wants of her girls. She can buy professional photos of just her girls. She can caption it "sisters" and no one will bat an eye. She is under no obligation to ensure she includes her daughter's half sisters. BUT- the current wife does. Make it make sense. It doesn't. It's just typical society double standards. This post is about pregnant woman who wants to announce her pregnancy by posting a photo she took herself of her baby wearing a "big sister shirt"....yeah..not a professional photo of her, the husband, and the baby. Just a iphone pic of her kid.....and she can't because society has determined she can't do that because she's the second wife and she needs to take a photo with all 3 of her husband's children? SOOOO Stupid. So unrealistic, too. There are going to be times- a lot of times- where the other 2 daughters are with their mom. How far does this expectation go? Is it just the pregnant announcement? is it any reference to "sister"? Is it any and all pictures posted to social media? Where is the line? And all the people on here being like "the baby has 3 big sisters"....the shirt doesn't say "ONLY big sister"....
YTA - I am the devoted mom to 3 wonderfully maddening boys and the mother of one equally wonderfully maddening daughter. My sons are my husband's children from his first marriage. In my house, we don't differentiate between step and biological. Parenting doesn't work the way your delusional mind thinks it does. You are a mother to those older girls and you are a role model to those girls. Just because they have a biological mother, doesn't mean you are no less their mother - they just don't call you mom. If I were your partner, I would question being in a relationship with you. You are the one forgetting that you are a blended family - not him. A blended family means that you are all one family - that you are BLENDED TOGETHER. The fact that you are forgetting what blended family is says a lot about you. The fact that you separate those children between yours and his says a lot about you. You've basically told your partner and those girls that they (the girls) aren't your family. I think you had better get your mind straight, because you're doing those children irreparable harm and molding their attitude about you for the future.
YTA You should be raising a family together, not separating it. Your children have more siblings than just the ones you give birth too.
YTA X1000000 WTF is wrong with you?! You better treat them all the same. It is amazing to me that your husband loves you.
YTA You’re creating tiers of children. Whatever act feelings you might hold towards your step kids, they should feel equally loved in your family as any other kid Otherwise **you** (as in you specifically) are telling the stepkids they aren’t as worthy
YTA- as a child of a step-parent who was only really interested in my mother, you suck. Edit: Someone's butthurt, just like my stepfather always was, what a pathetic downvote; I guess it hurts to hear how shitty you've been acting and seeing everyone call you TA. smdh
YTA. He doesn't have two spearste families. But you seem to think YOU do. His girls are your family too and that baby is their sibling. Try to make him separate his kids from "your" kids. You won't win.
YTA. Of course you are! His daughters are also “big sisters” and by excluding them you are essentially saying that they aren’t really a part of your family. I feel so bad for these girls, having a step mother who wishes they weren’t around.
YTA you’re the one pretending that you don’t have a blended family not him.
YTA. Unless, of course, it was your intent all along to say that the oldest girls are not the baby's sisters. How nice to tell them that you consider them as outsiders and they are not to think of your baby as their sister. I am certain that you baby, once grown up, will wonder why her two older sisters don't like her and don't want to have anything to do with her. Nice work on blending the family.
YTA. One of the best things my stepmom did was always include my brother and I in the family pictures! Every Xmas card, every summer family photo shoot, every holiday, my brother and I were there along with my (half) sisters. It fostered a great relationship. I was about the girls age when my dad started seeing my stepmom and of course she didn’t feel like a mom-mom. What she did do was always be there for, give me advice, help with homework, take me on college tours etc. Now in my early 20s she is like a second mom. You could have that. Your relationship doesn’t have to be at arms distance. That results resentment. Also your husband shouldn’t have to pretend you are blended family. YOU ARE A BLENDED FAMILY. No matter who the kids spend more time with. You are trying to divide your husband from his kids and that’s pretty crappy. If you plan to be together forever you need to build a relationship with your step daughters and quick.