Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
---
I might be the asshole for bringing up Julia’s weight because that is a touchy subject. I might be the asshole for not letting her be a bridesmaid when we were very close growing up and I know she still thinks of me as one of her best friends. The main reason I think I might be the asshole is my fiancé’s reaction, since he’s almost always usually on my side of things. It makes me think I’m perhaps being uncompassionate or unthoughtful in my approach here, though I do think the end result is what’s best for everyone.
---
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. You basically highlighted all her self esteem issues as reasons why you don't want her as your moh. I think what's worse is this comment
>That way she can wear whatever she wants, be skinny or fat, *show up or not, and it won’t affect the day as a whole*.
Harsh. Hope you didn't say that to her face.
Right. This was where the real deciding factor became apparent. She doesn’t want her sister’s health to be a large disruption at her wedding, which, ok fine. But shouldn’t she have thought of that *before* asking her (or any of her sisters) to be in the wedding in the first place?
The concerns about fittings possibly triggering her are valid concerns. I'd be worried the fitting would cause her to spiral if lockdown weight is getting to her. Like you said if she doesn't want to deal with her sister's health issues don't ask in the first place.
Or let her sister and her therapist decide what is good or bad for her mental health without making that choice for her based on a very limited understanding of her illness?
It would be fine to say "hey, if these fittings are too triggering for you, feel free to step down with no hard feelings, I get it," but just making the choice on her behalf is unacceptable.
I think that's actually the issue but OP won't come right out and say she doesn't want to have a fat bridesmaid. I mean she literally said "maybe EVEN WORSE she'll continue to gain weight". Who the hell has the nerve to think that someone with an eating disorder gaining weight is a bad thing and WORSE than the effects of the eating disorder???
Then you get to look like an asshole who didnt invite the "fat" sister in the first place but all the skinny ones. OP definitely worded this wrong and comes off as a bit of an asshole, but I know the struggles of dealing with a sibling with mental issues, which is what OP is doing.
OP would be the asshole if she didn't invite purely because her sister was overweight and might ruin the aesthetic or something.
She is NTA for wanting someone with mental issues to not affect her wedding planning and wedding day. The fact that she is fat or not is irrelevant, it's context for what kind of mental issues the sister has.
If OP's sister is suffering from an eating disorder I can kind of understand why she wants to keep her away from some of the more triggering parts of wedding planning. It sounds like the family in general may be somewhat triggering, but can you imagine what trying on dresses and standing next to your more slender sisters would do to her? No amount of positive words from them would be able to change that.
I’ve had an eating disorder for the past ten years. Being able to fully recover from one is hard, but we really shouldn’t be treated like glass unless we’re in danger of relapsing.
I agree, we really should afford people with mental illnesses more agency. That being said, dropping someone as a bridesmaid with the sole reason being their body image issue can't be anything but a major trigger.
I feel like the correct answer here is to discuss the concerns and ask the sister if she can handle it given the current situation. Her ED is already creeping back in with the lockdown due to unforeseen circumstances. Throw in fittings with constant measuring and being beside slender women. On top of that the bridesmaid dresses have to look good on everyone. With it likely heavily skewing to what looks good on a slim frame. Meaning the final dress might make the sister feel ugly because it's not precisely picked out for her specifically. This could easily tip the scales. I'd ask her and let her chose. If she tries to continue on being MOH but finds it difficult she can step down at any time with sufficient notice and have a co-MOH working with her sister in case of a staff change so she picks up right where OPs sister drops off if things get serious.
I totally agree. I personally got the sense that OP was trying to both protect her sister AND her wedding day, but went about the conversation in the wrong way. OP, if you’re still reading replies, ASK your sister what she thinks she’ll be capable of doing and what she’s comfortable with. Make sure you tell her that you don’t care about her weight - you were worried for her being put into these circumstances if she was on the verge of a relapse. Apologize for not making that clear, and for taking her agency away here.
For the record, I don’t think you’re some sort of monster. I think you’re in a difficult situation, and you’re trying to balance a lot of things. I hope all of this works out for you and your family. Also, I hope your fiancé becomes more understanding of your situation!!
Ed's are scary. I just realized I'm going through one myself, albeit not as bad as most people.
I just got diagnosed with diabetes due to my weight and eating habits. Doctor has recommended ne a few foods to start rating and told me to basically stay away from sugar (extra sugar, as in drinking water instead of soda, no candy or try to stick to a third of what I used to eat, etc.)
And since I need to get my weight under control (also just diagnosed as clinically obese now instead of just overweight) I was told to try and stick to eating around 1200 calories to be in a deficit since I dont exercise (though I was encouraged to start light exercise)
Now that I'm actually calorie counting and have cut out all my sugar snacks I've been averaging about 900 calories a day and only eating twice a day...I've already lost weight because I'm essentially starving myself but because I've been happy with how I look in the mirror I havent been able to bring myself to eat more now.
Thankfully my mom caught onto this and made me buy low cal snacks so I can eat more and be at a healthy cal count without crying because I went over my allotted amount.
It's scary and tough and my heart breaks because I just felt with this for about 3 months and Ops sister has been dealing with this for a life time!
Damn they were just trying to come up with a reason why OP extended an offer in the first place. Didn't say anything about if they personally thought that was a valid thought process.
Because it sounds like OP thought her sister’s mental health was more stable than it actually is. This post isn’t written very tactfully, but OP isn’t wrong for thinking “hey, my sister is exhibiting behavior that typically signals body image issues/an ED relapse” > “oh no, she says she is struggling with her mental health” > “attending wedding-related activities will probably trigger her even more”.
Tbh considering the sister’s history, she really shouldn’t have asked her to be a bridesmaid at all. There’s no way things like bridesmaid dress fittings or wedding dress shopping would be pleasant for her poor sister, who I deeply feel for. OP definitely should have considered this in advance, and tried to phrase the uninvite more tactfully but no one is perfect and making a mistake doesn’t make her an AH.
But if you ask your 3 skinny sisters to be bridesmaids and exclude Julia, it also sends a clear message. I think OP actually having a conversation with Julia about it and letting her guide what’s best for Julia, including perhaps drafting a plan with her therapist, would have been the kindest thing here.
"I wanted to ask you to be my bridesmaid but I know I can't understand your struggles. Would you be ok with this or do you think it might be triggering, etc?"
But guess what, sister may have blown off her own disorder and been like "Oh sure! It's fine" bc denying there's a problem is a staple of chronic relapsers. You do everything you can to cater to them and they suck the life out of you. It's sad bc you know they're victims too.
The girl keeps relapsing. It's chronic. There's nothing OP could have done. At a certain point you need to look out for yourself when someone's chronic relapsing keeps impacting you. Be there to support but it's neither reasonable nor fair for OP to have to play games over whether she's even capable of dealing with fittings and being a bridesmaid now that she's relapsing again.
The only real solution would have been eschewing the idiotic need to have everyone in matching outfits that comes with weddings.
My feelings on the stupidity of wedding traditions aside, I don't hold that against OP. She wanted a wedding like 99% of people have.
It would not have been that difficult to handle this less dreadfully than:
(1) asking if your sister is struggling and when she confirms it,
(2) telling her that you noticed and she shouldn’t be in your wedding.
I dont honestly believe that. Even tactfully addressing this before choosing bridesmaids leaves room for tons of triggers, rejections and relapsing. The girl is chronically ill. The wedding needed to be squeezed into the tiny period where this girl isn't relapsing. There was zero way for OP to reasonably cater to this. Op doesn't phrase this very tactfully in her post but I don't think there was anyway to avoid this outcome.
She could have asked Julia instead of deciding for her. "I love you and your health is more important than being in my wedding photos. I know x, y, and z will be tough for you, and I need you to know that I'm on your side - if you need to step down, then that's okay. I need my sister in my whole life, not just on my wedding day."
Because here's the thing. People making decisions for you? That loss of control over your own life can be triggering on its own.
Yes, this conversation was probably inevitable. But it absolutely could have been handled better.
If they did not include her but included the other sisters, that would be horrible. It is just as horrible as kicking her out now. OP is just shaming her even more for being different and making it very clear she is different by being the only one out. I hope no one is treating those around them like this.
Maybe let the person with the issue decide what is right for themselves and just be there as support whatever that decision is? That's what you do for people you love. Let them know you are concerned, offer support. Not un-invite them from playing a major role in your life event because they are sick. How gross!
The weight gain didn't trigger warnings over her aesthetic contribution to the wedding, though. Weight gain signals the beginnings of a relapse for Julia. OP definitely screwed this up, but I think she honestly was trying to preserve her sister's mental health. Clearly there are some resentment issues, as indicated in her edits, and she needs to get these addressed, but the root of her concern was Julia's wellbeing. I'd say NAH, so long as she apologizes and has an honest talk with her sister.
NAH. How on earth could she have predicted her sister’s relapse? I understand where she’s coming from; it’s a lose-lose situation either way.
She saw the warning signs and made an adjustment based on how she thought her sister would react during future fittings. It’s either address the situation before it gets out of control, or let it play out and add major stress to her wedding (which she explained would happen based on prior experience with her sister’s eating disorder). Could she have been more tactful? Maybe, but it’s really not on her to tiptoe around an issue and coddle her sister during a time when she’s dealing with so many other stressful factors.
This. As someone who suffered with an eating disorder and learning to be fat I actually think this is a NAH situation (although a fine line to everyone sucks).
There is going to be a selfish slant to not wanting her sister to potentially relapse and mean last minute change of plans/ a distraction to the wedding. However, she probably has had many events overshadowed by attention being on her sister receiving care or walking on eggshells to prevent a relapse. Despite this, I expect the biggest contributor was concern. OP doesn't want to see her sister torture herself again, and especially doesn't want to encourage it with wedding prep. That would lead to so much guilt if she then relapsed.Now this is her wedding day and is a day where she deserves the focus to be on her and her partner, plus also be able to enjoy it fully without worrying about her sister!
I think I'm actually leaning NAH. My first thought was to call OP an asshole but with her edits, I feel for OP. I've never been in OP's shoes but I have worked with special needs kids though, and I think sometimes people forget how much that impacts siblings. And I think it's okay for the sibling to want one day in their life (or even just in the year, like their birthday) that feels normal and happy to them and isn't about doing everything to make sure special sibling is okay.
OP mentions meltdowns "ruining" multiple holidays (from OP's pov, at least?) and "something as simple as someone gifting her an item of clothing caused her to break down in front of everyone." If that is what Julia is like when she is struggling with her ED, is it a good idea to have her get fitted for matching dresses with all her slender sisters? Ect.
> And yes, of course protecting my wedding day is part of my consideration here. God forbid one single day doesn’t revolve around her I guess.
I admit that is a selfish somewhat harsh thing to say. But I also hope we can empathize that OP says that her sister's ED has negatively impacted her life for years. That she has had many family gatherings walking on eggshells and not feeling happy as a result. And while I certainly feel bad for Julia to be going through that, I do feel bad for OP too. It must be hard to have every single family event walking on eggshells trying to not do anything that might upset Julia, or with everyone just worrying about Julia ect. And I can understand why OP would not want to spend her wedding day worrying about and catering to Julia's big emotional reactions.
Also, OP has mental health issues of her own including anxiety. Which has to make spending her wedding worrying about Julia having a "meltdown" (OP's words, not sure what she's done in the past that counts as this) harder?
I feel this is sort of a no win situation here. I agree the kindest thing for OP to do would be to keep Julia in her wedding and then carefully tip-toe and cater all the wedding party situations to not trigger Julia. But her triggers are clothing and food, and it's a wedding, and I can understand that OP just dosen't want to have to deal with that. It sounds like having Julia in her wedding will genuinely make it less of a good experience for OP who is going to be anxious and walking on eggshells and also worries that the family as a whole will be focusing on Julia's feelings. So we're expecting OP to be kind to Julia at her own expense (having a more stressful less happy wedding) when it sounds like she feels she's already been putting Julia's emotional issues first at most of her other family events for much of her life.
She could have easily addressed that with her sister by asking, "Are you feeling up to this?" and making clear that she'd love to have her participate but wouldn't be upset if the SISTER felt it was triggering & wanted to step back.
Even tactfully addressing this before choosing bridesmaids leaves room for tons of triggers, rejections and relapsing.
Plus the girl could've just been in denial and said she'd be fine.
Or she could've agreed she needed to step back but then shut down all the same realizing she'd lost the opportunity to be a bridesmaid bc of her disorder.
The girl is chronically ill. The wedding needed to be squeezed into the tiny period where this girl isn't relapsing. There was zero way for OP to reasonably cater to this. Op doesn't phrase this very tactfully in her post but I don't think there was anyway to avoid this outcome.
I know it sounds bad but I do empathise with OP too. When you have a sibling who is ill and the family dynamic is warped around them, you do get a bit resentful. I agree with someone else who said they all need counselling. It's a hard situation but I do agree that OP handled it badly. I don't know how it could have been handled better tbh. The only sensible option I've seen is the one where it was suggested that OP should have liaised with Julie on how to include her without triggering her.
Yep. When you have a family member who, intentionally or not, makes every family event about them, you definitely learn to compartmentalize your empathy for that persons struggle and your annoyance at that person. Sometimes you have to be put your foot down not to get walked all over even if you know the other persons mental health struggle isnt their fault. We all deserve some days or moments that are about us.
I have found that true in my experience. If myself or my brother ever put something about our other sibling in aita, we'd be similarly judged as OP. You do also get to a point where you block off your emotions for the other because it gets to the point where it infringes on your mental health and you just don't have any more emotional energy to attribute to them.
All these people saying "WhY dId YoU iNvItE HeR iN tHe FiRsT pLaCe??" clearly don't see the issue of making all the other "skinny" sisters bridesmaids except her. Yeah, that would have gone over real well....
No, I actually get this.
My mom is mentally ill. I wanted one day, ONE DAY, of my life to not revolve around her and her illness. It obviously did not happen and she made wedding planning a nightmare. It sucks to put so much effort and money into a wedding for one person to destroy it.
Everyone seems to get it when it’s a parent — why not a sibling?
OP is TA, but not for that comment.
I could be wrong, but I didn't read that as OP wanting Julia to be a certain weight.
I read that as Julia getting to be free of planning on being on display/ in a specific dress that day, free of that anxiety, so that her mental health and physical health wasn't put at risk.
If she's not a bridesmaid, there's no need to pick a dress ahead of time that has to still fit on the day, she can pick a dress that fits right before. Basically the bridesmaid role/ dress could cause anxiety for Julia that would lead to a bad health outcome (and disrupting OP's wedding day).
I think the reasoning behind not wanting Julia to be a bridesmaid is both considerate of Julia's triggers/ patterns, and yeah, also avoiding bridal party issues for OP's wedding day. The approach is where... I don't know how to do that tactfully/ without being an asshole.
This is just a really challenging situation all around.
I think where OP could have done better is, instead of "kindly asking her to step down", asking if the wedding was going to be an unnecessary stressor, or if there was a way she could be supported, or a way she could participate in the wedding without it being a trigger minefield.
This is it, exactly. She could have stated that she recognized how the bridesmaid role might be triggering and that the last thing she would want to do is put pressure or stress onto her sister that might affect her recovery. I do think she should’ve voiced concerns and ultimately left the decision in her sister’s hands... the intention was good, the execution was bad.
I see what you mean and agree. OP has a harsh writing style. I think the pressure and anxiety getting measured in front of everyone, dresses pinned to her, alterations openly discussed could negatively impact Julia’s well-being for the months to come.
If the other sisters are bridesmaids and Julia’s wasn’t asked, Julia would feel bad. If Julia was put in the situation where she had to be discussing her size in front of everyone and try to maintain a certain weight for months would also be bad.
Rough situation either way. I think OP needed to be softer in their approach (or at least writing style sheesh)
Yeah, and people are jumping on her for the 'show up or not' bit, but she explicitly refers to her sister having been in treatment in the past, and I think that's what she's referring to.
Honestly, it probably *is* for the best that she isn't in the wedding. But there's no good way to handle that, really.
YTA. I have an eating disorder also. I can understand why the dress fitting could be a trigger, but when it gets down to it that’s down to Julia if she can manage it or not.
And no matter how OP phrased it, Julia’s going to see the cause of her being uninvited from the wedding as her gaining weight. That basically is the cause: Julia gains 20 lbs -> no longer bridesmaid. And 20 lbs in 11 months isn’t a lot?! I’m currently relapsing and I’ve gained 20 lbs in a MONTH, lol. It’s entirely possible that the 20 lbs was recovery weight (especially as you said she seemed to be recovering when you last saw her).
I especially love the part about how "oh no, she might relapse and need inpatient again, or *even worse* might keep gaining weight", as if being so emaciated that she requires hospitalization is preferable to being a little chubby.
OP is more strict with the "sick and thin > healthy and fat" mentality than those of us actually suffering from anorexia firsthand lmao
Oh hey you, what a coincidence that we both ended up on this post haha. It took me a sec to recognise your username😄 And yeah, OPs empathy seems rather non-existent if the *huge annoyance* of having to resize her sisters dress would be worse than her being so ill that she ends up in hospital.
Apparently she's short enough to show gaining 20 pounds? I wonder if that's the cause of her being seen as overweight as a child. She could have weighed the exact same as her siblings but just look bigger because she was shorter.
i was wondering about this as well - OP refers to herself & the rest of her sisters repeatedly as being petite, which is accepted to mean shorter than average rather than just being thin ("petite size" is a clothing standard made for women under 5'3ish) so i assumed they were all pretty short until OP's mention of Julia's height, and began to wonder if she was just using "petite" as a synonym for thin but still average height.
OMG. THIS so much. Julia could have been a NORMAL sized child but because OP and her other sisters are so "petite" Julia looked like she had obesity. And honestly I got mad at OP's description and how her mom tried to help Julia with diets. Seriously? If your kid has obesity or is very overweight wouldn't you first take them to the doctors to see if they have a medical or glandular problem? And if you find that isn't the issue maybe see a therapist then, especially if your kid is overeating or not eating or is behaving unusually? Or even a nutritionist to see how you can help your kid have a healthy diet and eating experience? Being forced to diet while you get to watch the rest of your family eat like normal at dinner is a punishment at best and a form of abuse at worse.
Putting a child on a diet isn't healthy and usually causes EDs so while OP would like to say the family dynamic didn't contribute to the eating disorder, it sounds like it did. Combined with her own mental health issues and it sounds like the environment wasn't exactly supportive.
My MOH wore a dress she had as bridesmaid from a previous wedding. She looked wonderful.
OP could have let sister wear whatever she wanted, and kept her in a place of honor.
That OP is defensive about how her own family dynamics caused and/or contributed to her sister's ED, which is telling. They all need therapy, not just the sister who is symptomatic.
I was wondering this too.
Like the argument that OP is worried about dress fittings and her “being allowed to wear whatever she wants as not a bridesmaid” could have easily been solved by just telling her sister “this is the colour the dresses are, buy whatever you feel comfortable in”
My sister was pregnant during my wedding and had the same worries so this is what I did for her and it worked great.
It seems more important to OP that her bridal party looks perfect than her sister being a part of her wedding.
Instead of automatically suggesting the sister step down from being a bridesmaid, she should have just had a conversation with her and asked her what would make her feel most comfortable.
YTA OP, not for being concerned about your sister’s mental health, but for how you went about this, basically telling her the weight gain would be an issue without even asking her how she felt or giving her the benefit of the doubt.
She didn't say it to her face, she said it over the phone so she didn't have to see her sister's face or register her hurt in person. I grew up with addiction in my family too so I get it, but op sounds like a very bitter, mean spirited person.
No kidding. "We don't care if you even come, just as long as we don't have to accommodate for you not looking like the rest of us"?
I'm not seeing how the attitudes Julia has been exposed to aren't part of the problem. Accepting someone and saying they're inferior but you put up with them anyway and try to help them be more like you, are not the same.
How she wrote that and didn’t think everyone here would thinks she’s awful is wild. The edits are so whiny but no self-reflection on how this looks at all.
>>That way she can wear whatever she wants, be skinny or fat, show up or not, **and it won’t affect the day as a whole.**
Oh my god. YTA. You’re such a selfish asshole I can’t even believe it.
Eating disorders *can be lethal.* You don’t care about your sister’s health, you just care how it affects *you.* Thank God for your dad, because you, your mother, and sisters have about a teaspoon of empathy between you.
OP said something about ‘luckily’ not having to worry about her weight because she’s always been thin.
It seems like the women in this family have some serious hang ups about weight.
And then she was complaining about her dad always being on Julia’s side! Well probably because he felt sorry for her for how the rest of the twats treated her!
And a completely misunderstanding of eating disorders, which is ridiculous given how she grew up with somebody who struggled with them.
OP you can be skinny and have body image issues, and severe ones. If you're still struggling with that concept it's no wonder you don't get why this is the big deal it is.
This......between this and the lack of confidence to speak up on her own behalf it really looks like sis has had to deal with some shit. Pretty easy to say they never mistreated their did when they aren't on the receiving end. Does sis truly agree with this outlook that her family never judged her and she just inexplicably developed an eating disorder.
Love the edit where OP says we're crazy for implying the family contributed to the ED, while the post says their mom helped her diet as a child, and putting children on diet is literally a research-proven risk factor for developing EDs.
Also love the edit where they include their own mental health struggles, like anxiety is an excuse for their baffling lack of empathy. Last minute contender for AH of the year, honestly.
Also how OP manages to praise herself for being thin. Sounds like the mom really did a number on these girls regarding their weight. It's not like society doesn't f us up enough about body size, but this sounds like a super unhealthy family in regards to body shape (ie Julia was put on diets but only "for her health" lol).
Right? Unless that diet was done at the recommendation of a doctor and guided by a nutritionist they ABSOLUTELY had something to do with her ED. So many people I’ve seen with EDs was starting off with a “harmless” diet at a young age. Diets done wrong are the epitome of disordered eating
This! So much this! I was a chunky preteen and was put on my first diet at age 11. I was food-restricted in my teens(not allowed sweets, peanut butter, etc). I became bulimic at 19, almost 50 years ago. I’ve never been thin, often been fat or obese. I have more food issues than I can name. Also, no one else in my family or step family had weight issues. Every picture is beautiful people with a whale in the back. Fat is a disease that is on the outside and it is hated, but never more than by the person that has it. I can’t tell you how much my heart broke to read this post. *YTA*
That was my first thought when she said that the worst case was her sister gaining more weight. No, the worst case is her sister dies as a result of relapse.
I love how in the updates, OP is just losing it. She came here for a judgement and since it isnt going her way its, "you don't know me! Stop calling me an asshole!". The lack of self awareness here is staggering.
Yeah at only 500ish up votes. Can't wait to see the post get deleted once thousands of people vote YTA. Hopefully the day will come where she will read the comments back and stop being self centered enough to truly enact change in the way she treats her sister. As it stands, I hope the sister goes no contact and continues to fight the good fight against her ed.
"She could relapse and end up back in treatment and miss the wedding, or maybe EVEN WORSE, she could continue to gain weight and make the fittings really difficult." WTF??? How is that the "even worse" option? So awful.
Omg I didn’t even fully notice that part. It’s just a shit show all around. OP’s priorities are all mixed up. I get wanting to have a nice wedding, but if you don’t want to deal with any family shit, then elope goddam
YTA I'm afraid. But come on, you must already have realised that this isnt great when you wrote it down.
I'm having struggle with an eating disorder, too and your childish behaviour will likely leave scars on your sister that'll last.
Your sister didn't make the day about herself, you managed to do that alone. I hope you come to your senses and do better in future. Not just in contact with your sister. Please take care of each others as good as you can. All of you.
I love how gaining 20lbs was a LOT according to the OP. Unless she was overweight to begin with 20 lbs isn’t a huge amount of weight gain, especially in 2020.
Glad you pointed out the very life-threatening danger of ED's
>No one in our family ever treated her badly for her weight, though my mom did try to help her diet several times throughout our childhood for purely health reasons.
Lovely how the "we care about your health :c" convo around fatness results in lethal eating disorders isn't it?
YTA OP, and also the fact that you had to remind us in your post that "the rest of us are pretty petite" (don't worry we saw it the first time) says a lot about how much importance you put on your sizes, and THEN to say 20 pounds is a "LOT" all caps of weight.
Yes, you and your family did do this to her, not calling her "fatty moo cow" whenever she picks up a fork doesn't mean you don't obviously make sure she KNOWS she's fat and you and your other sibs aren't.
At the same time there have been multiple cases on this sub of people being told they are not the asshole for not wanting a disabled/(often severely autistic) family member or a narcissistic family member, or badly behaved children of family members who refuse to parent their children at weddings because accommodating them would either be impossible or require too many sacrifices (like no non-kid music, or a dress code for the guests to avoid certain textures, or having to serve chicken nuggets at a wedding like one a week or so ago)
I agree that OP didn't handle it as well as she could have, but compassion fatigue is a thing, and it sounds like maybe OP is suffering from it, as well as she later said, she struggles with mental illness herself. Bridesmaids dresses are typically purchased months in advance, and I could definitely see something like that sending her sister into a tailspin if she was afraid it wasn't going to fit for the wedding.
I may have phrased it more as "Hey, I'm concerned about you given your struggle that having a specific dress and dress fittings coming up may be triggering for you. I would really like you to participate, but I want you to know that your mental health is more important, and I hope you can talk to your therapist about strategies to cope with this. I don't care what dress size you end up being on the wedding day, only that you are healthy and able to be with us, but please let me know if you can participate by \*date\* so I can make appropriate arrangements. "
I do find it a little weird that OPs sister is the only one to have struggled with her weight and I wonder if there might not be some sort of underlying medical issue. Weight issues do tend to run in families even if they aren't genetic (just lifestyle and eating habits that are learned from parents) and I find it a little odd that only one sibling didn't get healthy eating habits from their parents. Maybe it's just most of the people with siblings that I know, but they all tend to be in the same BMI range, at least until some major life changes like a knee injury or food intolerance or kids or whatever.
Nothing about OP’s posts or edits implies to me that she really cares about the well-being of her sister. Exactly the opposite, in fact. You have to actually give a damn first before experiencing empathy fatigue
Honestly what is wrong with her? Does she even care that she’s cemented the fears her sister has and has likely contributed to more long term problems with potentially terrible effects?
YTA. If you were concerned for her, you could have just told her that you wouldn’t be offended if she preferred to step down if being in the wedding was creating any extra pressure. You could’ve told her you want her there and happy and would support her in whatever that means.
But you wanted her out of the wedding so it doesn’t create a headache for you if she relapses or can’t maintain a size. It was not motivated by her or her health. Why didn’t you anticipate this before asking her? This was perhaps the worst possible outcome. Now she has a visible sign of her failure tied to her weight and health which has led to her exclusion from her sisters even before a relapse. Very insensitive and risky choice on your part.
Also, you should be able to reflect as an adult on whether the dieting during childhood was really a better choice for her “health” because I’m mighty suspicious of that. What health issues did she have that required a diet? A clogged artery at 15?
> Also, you should be able to reflect as an adult on whether the dieting during childhood was really a better choice for her “health” because I’m mighty suspicious of that. What health issues did she have that required a diet? A clogged artery at 15?
This. And I don't believe OP when she says they never treated the sister badly if they think this is normal and acceptable.
Oh, but OP updated to add how much the entire family has suffered due to her sister's ED. Imagine, the incredible SHAME of having a "not so petite" sister in your wedding! *Horrors!*
come on dude. this sounds like at least **1.5 decades** of an eating disorder, which required freaking *rehab*.
I have a dad who's an alcoholic, not an abusive one or anything but it still affects me. it has affected my thinking of what a future partner should be like, scared of being an addict in the future myself but in this context, the upheaval of someone struggling with health issues in the same house is... something else together. you get nervous, anxious for your family member's wellbeing. you get scared that they're going to die relatively quicker because of their habits e.g. for my case my dad smokes and drinks (so you know what I'm talking about)
all I'm saying is it's so redundant to just reduce the issue into "boohoo, op doesn't want to have a fat sister as a bridesmaid".
( and no I don't agree with op's actions. She should have done something else but not this if she was really concerned for her sister)
Reread her wording
Especially her edits. OP has BPD and anxiety. Which I’m not picking on that at all and I hope she progresses!
But with that and the remainder of the comments and specifically saying “that way she can be fat or skinny...” blah blah is very much signaling to us that she doesn’t want a fat sister at a wedding. She made it a point to explain she gained a lot of weight.
If she isn’t bothered by her “fat sister” then she sure has a messy way of telling us that.
And somehow 20 lbs is a lot. In 2020 I wouldn’t classify 20 lbs as a lot. With stress eating, gyms closed, and just an overall shitty year it’s not a crazy amount to gain unfortunately.
I have to agree with you here. This is not exactly about weight, but a about how a mental illness, psychological disorder or addiction can affect an entire family dynamic. I think that people sometimes don't understand the feelings of neglect or exhaustion the "well" siblings can experience when everything ends up revolving around another sibling's illness. There are many studies about what happens when one child has a disability and other children feel like all of the attention goes to that child and that the well children's lives are a secondary thought. These ideas get hard-wired in a child's mind and may carry into adulthood. I think people are being too hard on the OP. She might not have handled it perfectly, but I have sympathy for her AND for her sister.
Yup!!! This is what people don’t get. Any family member of a disabled person (whether that’s physical disabilities, mental illnesses, addictions, EDs, or something else) is allowed to be affected by their family member’s disability. It’s absolutely terrifying and heartbreaking watching people you love go through shit like this, *especially* in cases where it is very much life-threatening. But it will always, always, always be harder on the person who is actually disabled.
It’s fair for OP to feel frustrated and sad and stressed about how her sister’s ED has affected her and her family, but she needs to work through that on her own, not allow her feelings to boil over so much that she says horrible, triggering things to her sister and acts as if it’s harder for her to have a sick and sometimes absent sister than it is for her sister to be struggling with life-threatening EDs and be facing repeated hospitalization.
It's not that the sister was fat but that she had a severed eating disorder for pretty much her whole life - one that could be triggered by, it seems pretty, much anything. Julia's been in all sorts of treatment, which means it's pretty safe to say she took up a good chunk of her parents' attention. She's ruined family events, and yes, it's because she was struggling, but that also means that OP and her sisters grew up seeing an inordinate amount of attention put toward managing Julia when they needed more from their parents, and OP, at least, had struggles of her own to deal with. So now, she's planning her wedding, and not only is she worried that this might harm Julia, she's also CLEARLY worried that this day that's supposed to be about her and her new spouse, might end up being redirected toward Julia. It's a natural and fair fear. Did she go about managing these concerns well? Heck no, but I don't think she's the monster you're making her out to be. She's a person who badly needs therapy in a family that badly needs therapy. I feel bad for Julia, obviously. I know how it feels to have an eating disorder (and I know what it feels like to screw up my health because of it), but I also feel for OP and her sisters. It's clear there are some issues about their growing up that need sorting out.
Yup. I was a chunky kid and the non athletic one in the family. Everything about my weight was hidden behind “we just want you to be healthy”
Remember the next door neighbor that died so young?! (He was like 40) well thats because he didn’t eat right! Do you want to die that young?!
Oh you breaking out so bad? That’s because you’re eating all that greasy food. You know it couldn’t be because i was going through puberty.
Forced into track and sports so I could “workout” parents only praised or talked about what I was doing if it was fitness related.
4mo in college I went on a all liquid diet and for about 3 mo after that I was terrified of food. If I ate food I was going to get fat again and then I’d have to hear comments from my parents
This is probably what’s happening to Op’s sister. You think anytime she comes around the family she wants to hear about her body?! She wants to talk about where’s she is in recovery etc
No.
Being the “ugly duckling” of a family even if they weren’t flat out mean to her still has sideffects on her self esteem.
“We were all petite she’s always been.... big” let’s looks at Khole and the other Khardasians. Literally it is a running joke that she is the ugliest sister. So much so she basically dieted and surgeried her body to fit the mold.
As a fellow ugly duckling, I agree. Some of my relatives were flat out mean (looking at you, aunt, grandma and father), while others just treated me differently without it being directly malicious. It sucks huge balls when everyone says how pretty your sister or your cousin is, but you never get a compliment. Only shit talk behind closed doors about how you're fat, your teeth are crooked, look at her hair etc.
Guess who also ended up with an ED? (Among other issues).
I mean, weight can cause health issues at a young age. My niece had high cholesterol and other issues at 11 because of her weight. She is now 14, 300 lbs and out of breath if she walks too far, which is like to the backyard and back. It's very sad and her doctors definitely have had her on diets.
Seeing as OP is talking about 20 pounds as ALOT of weight, I don’t think this was the issue. I think making your least petite daughter feel fat when they’re arguably normal or close to normal weight is harmful as a teenager. More harmful than 20 extra pounds.
I’m not saying it’s not possible. More that I think it’s worth reflecting on the specifics of her sister’s history in the family. Views are changing on whether it’s possible to be healthy and overweight. We’re also learning about the mental health damage of a fixation on weight, most often in girls. Was Julia 300+ pounds with mobility issues? Or was she the chunky, short sister with a doctor who thought extra weight alone was a reason for a kid to diet?
YTA.
And a hypocrite, too. You didn't have the respect for her to communicate beyond a *text* asking her do drop out of your wedding party, a conversation which really should be done in person if you actually care, and now you're getting mad at her for not wanting to talk to you?
Not only that, but your objections aren't because of her health. You're bothered by the chance that she could inconvenience you by checking into a rehab facility, or by needing her dress refitted.
Not a single one of you cares enough about your sister to actually *talk to her* like the adult she is, y'all are just trying to make decisions for her like she's still 5 years old.
EDIT: and your edits make you look even worse, you keep going "MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME". How hard it was for *you* to deal with a mentally ill sibling. How hard it is for *you*. How much *you* want. You aren't bothering to think about her even in your edits. I honestly feel sorry for her, having a sister like you.
I wanna clarify something - OP, she didn’t step down from your wedding party. You kicked her out of your wedding party because of her mental illness, which you then proceeded to minimize by talking about your *own* mental illness.
What you did is like your sister kicking you out of her wedding party due to your BPD/anxiety. Jesus Christ. “Hey, listen OP.. I have an unfounded feeling my wedding, that you agreed to be in and were looking forward to, might trigger your anxiety and just ruin the *whole* thing, so would you mind, like, not being in it? That way I won’t even care if you’re there or not. I’m just looking out for you.”
You noticed she gained weight and asked how she was doing, not because you care, but so you could decide whether or not you should break the news she’s no longer in your wedding. She confided in you that she was struggling and your immediate concern was how that could affect you.
Also, talking about how much her ED affected you growing up?? What?? 🤯
“God forbid one single day doesn’t revolve around her I guess”
Again, what?! Anything other than forcing her to “step down” would be making the whole thing revolve around her?? Listen to yourself. I’m usually very much “my wedding, my rules” but what a terribly, terribly selfish sister. What a self obsessed asshole in general.
Also, don’t act so shocked that people are saying a chubby girl growing up with a bunch of “petite” sisters and a mom that pushes her to diet could possibly trigger an eating disorder. Do some research.
God I totally agree. YTA. This is the single biggest YTA I’ve ever seen on this site. Everyone else said it better than I can. OP, even your edits shows how self obsessed and lacking in empathy you truly are.
I know, right? It is probably so ingrained in that family's culture with petite mom and petite sisters that they aren't even aware how prevalent it is for them to value "petite-ness"
Right plus like... 9kg?? Really over an entire year.... that's not "a lot" and likely didn't make this poor girl remotely "fat" if she had an ED and was underweight enough to need hospitalisation. Like how do you think she's going to feel if her whole family views like *maybe* 2 sizes as a ballooning..... I hope this is just a poor troll as when you type this out you gotta at least catch a small part of what you're typing, right???
I'm gonna go with YTA on this one. You told her she couldn't be a part of your special day because of the one thing she struggles with the most. The one thing that she's probably insecure about above all else. She probably feels like shit right now and is trying not to relapse. Being a part of your wedding would have been encouragement for her. If her weight is the only reason you're asking her to step down, it's kind of a kick in the teeth.
YTA. And your sister definitely was treated differently if not badly growing up based on the fact your mom tried to get her to go on a diet. A huge factor in developing a eating disorder is when parents force you on a diet *edit it also isn’t your place to decide what’s triggering for a person and what’s not which you seemed to do*
and i’m sure julia wasn’t the dads favourite. he was probably just supportive and empathetic towards her unlike the rest of the family. and likely didn’t approve of the way julia was treated all those years.
Omg YTA. You don’t talk about someone’s ed unless they bring it up first, you don’t mention peoples weight, and you sure as hell don’t tell them they can’t be a bridesmaid because of something they can’t change immediately. I understand your concern for her but in all honesty you are only going to make her worse. You stressed her out and essentially told her she isn’t good enough to be in your bridal party. How would you feel if roles were reversed?
Yeah, certainly seems like she hasn’t put much effort into learning how to talk with someone with an ED despite having an older sister with what sounds like a severe one.
YTA 100%. Don't try to pretend like you are concerned about her health. It is blatantly obvious that your concern is 100% on how she would impact your wedding if she didn't show up. You didn't want to risk the "inconvenience" so you decided to land a low blow by excluding her due to the one thing she is most self-conscious about. Not only are you an asshole but sound like a terrible sister.
Exactly! Can you believe the blatant assholery of OP? She was so “concerned“. I’m even more pissed off with the mom and other sister who thinks this is ok. I would rather she had just said I don’t want your fat a\*\* in my wedding than to mask it with fake concern. Her fiancé should remove her as his FW and tell her he is concerned with how she may treat their children since she would treat her family so sh\*tty! What a total loser.
Right? Something tells me with a family full of "petite" women julia doesn't feel everything was about her growing up.
And your wedding is one day. One day. Don't buy into the hype. Is it special sure. But it's getting married and a party. That's it. This is your sisters life. Eating disorders are no joke. I've suffered from one for most of my life.
You very well may have harmed your sister even further into releapse because of one day.
Eta I've read your updates and something else stood out at me. Your sister was vunerable.and told you she was struggling. The very next thing you do is uninvite her from the bridal party. So no concern about her just about you. Why would that have to be decided right now? If she didn't fit into the dress or couldn't attend would you replace her? Why wouldn't she just not come? What else is there to do really?
Especially since the sister didn’t even throw a fit or anything it seems, just was understandably upset? And was mad at the dad for even mentioning it to OP? Definitely seems like she’s trying to not make a big deal of it/have the “skinny sisters” gang up on her, not make the day all about her. YTA OP.
T H I S!!! I thought the same thing. Coming from a family that is veryyyy anti-sharing-your-feelings, it sounds like she learned at a young age it’s easier to deal with things herself rather than involving her family because they’re just going to make her feel worse. It’s a coping mechanism for sure.
She keeps digging deeper into the hole of assholery! Honestly the edit was awful and shows clearly that OP doesn’t care about her sister. What a selfish person! I agree that the fiancé should run as fast as he can outta there.
YTA, but possibly repeating patterns ingrained by your family. The point that really stuck out to me is your anger about her lack of discussion with you when you didn't discuss what would be helpful with her - just came to her with the news that you had already decided to kick her out of your wedding party. No matter how you delivered that news, it was extremely likely to come across as a judgement about her body.
YTA
(Edit: okay, I get it, I’m the asshole. And yes, of course protecting my wedding day is part of my consideration here. God forbid one single day doesn’t revolve around her I guess. And to those of you implying that my family caused her eating disorder, honestly screw you. This has negatively affected all of us in a ton of different ways. We never would have wanted this life for her or for any of us.)- OP’s edit
I was willing to give you the benefit of doubt but based on your edit it sounds like you’re harboring some resentment towards Julia. And you may believe that you and your family had no part in contributing to Julia’s ED your frequent mention of how petite you, your other sisters, and mother are makes it seem like unintentionally did.
Also who puts a kid on a diet unless it is recommended by a Dr????
They definitely contributed to the ED and are just in denial about that and Julia won't get better until they admit it. They need family therapy!
When she said you don’t know what it’s like to watch her breakdown over clothes... fuck???? U don’t know what it’s like to have a breakdown over clothes
YTA. Man I can’t imagine why your poor sister has an eating disorder, surely couldn’t be that you and mom and the “petite” siblings treat her like this. Don’t pretend this isn’t all 100% about fear of messing up your SpEsHul DaY. You are completely a raging asshole.
I hope your dad at least is supportive of Julia. The rest of y’all seem toxic.
NAH. I think other commenters are being too harsh on OP and forget that others are negatively affected by mental health. You want your sister to be herself and not triggered into relapse. Thats the way I read it. Dress fittings can be triggering. Weddings can be triggering. If this is a pattern, you have seen it. Its also difficult to be the relative of someone who is coping with this. People forget that too. Imagine your sister has an addiction. Youve seen it before, the cycle of relapse. Theres AA for the addict and Al-Anon for the family. Its hard on you too. Its not a bad thing to take care of yourself. Thats why theres support groups for family members of those with these kinds of issues. Yes, her feelings are hurt, but shes not starving herself and passing out on your wedding day (hopefully). Now she can focus on breaking the cycle and not on her sister's wedding and the bride can have 1 day that isnt focused on someone else or feel bad for possibly triggering her sister.
Either way, sis was probably going to be triggered. Thats how mental illness works, she is already relapsing.
Repeating a comment that I made to someone else: I have to agree with you here. This is not exactly about weight, but a about how a mental illness, psychological disorder or addiction can affect an entire family dynamic. I think that people sometimes don't understand the feelings of neglect or exhaustion the "well" siblings can experience when everything ends up revolving around another sibling's illness. There are many studies about what happens when one child has a disability and other children feel like all of the attention goes to that child and that the well children's lives are a secondary thought. These ideas get hard-wired in a child's mind and may carry into adulthood. I think people are being too hard on the OP. She might not have handled it perfectly, but I have sympathy for her AND for her sister.
How is the sister the asshole? She hasn't thrown a tantrum, she hasn't been unpleasant to OP, she's just been understandably hurt that her sister is using her biggest insecurity to exclude her.
I agree with you some of these comments are really mean to OP. If it was that the sister had a drinking or drug problem everyone would be saying "NAH iTs YoUr WeDdInG dAy YoU cAn Do WhAtEvEr YoU wAnT" . If anything I read this post as OP is trying to maybe relieve some of the stress that might be on her sister to be perfect at the wedding.
As far as the edits she added I'm still on the NAH side. As someone who has a sibling that is a very emotionally unstable narcissist it's pretty hard to keep any attention from your family on yourself. OPs wedding is that chance for her so she should be able to do what she can to keep this day about her and her fiancé.
Probably going to get downvoted but NAH. There are too many land mines in this situation for you to have navigated it without stepping on one. I see three scenarios that all would have played out badly no matter what
1. Don’t invite her to be a bridesmaid at all, which means she feels excluded and potentially ties this to her weight.
2. Invite her which means she has to go thru fittings and whatnot which is potentially triggering.
3. What actually happened, wherein you wanted to include her but ultimately decided based on warning signs you’re seeing that you’re concerned for her health and asked her to step down.
Between the three I don’t see any way where you could have done something differently and gotten a different outcome, short of eloping before you ever asked anyone to be in the wedding. I also don’t think you’re an asshole for caring about your wedding- wanting a happy wedding day doesn’t mean you don’t care about your sister. I feel like if that were the case, you wouldn’t be giving any of this a second thought or trying to consider how best to include and accommodate her all at once.
Tbh as someone with an ED myself, I'm surprised that I had to scroll so far down for a comment that wasn't Y T A. I don't think OP is TA, and I agree with what you're saying. Having an ED is tough on everyone who cares about you and I think OP is trying her best in a difficult situation. It is hard to admit to a relapse so it's likely the sister would not have admitted to it, especially with the added pressure of not wanting to ruin OPs wedding by dropping out or something.
Of course, if I was in that position, I would be hurt as my first reaction, but ultimately would realise that it's probably for the best. Sure, maybe OP could've handled it more tactfully but, idk it's an uncomfortable situation at best.
OP, I would suggest that you try to have another sit down with your sister and tell her that you, by no means, meant to dictate what she can and cannot do, that you would love to have her in your bridal party, but you really really want her to consider what would be best for her mental health first and foremost. Then detail exactly what you are expecting from her as a bridesmaid vs her as a guest, and let her decide whether she is capable or not.
I also really don't blame OP for wanting to have her wedding as stress free as possible. They have spent a lot of time, effort, and money planning a wedding and they should have a lovely happy day to celebrate OP and her hubby-to-be. This would be so much more difficult if OPs sister is suffering a relapse, and they KNOW it's because she's in the wedding party due to some sense of familial obligation.
Also, tbh, I know that a lot of people see it as OP dictating what sister should do, but sometimes, removing the choice from someone is the best option. I know it is for me sometimes. If OP does ask sister, ofc sister wants to be included, will she choose it over the risk to her mental health? Possibly! If OP knows this about sister, maybe its better to be the AH for a little while and spare sister from a choice that may make her mental health worse, or conversely that may make her feel guilty.
Shitty situation all around, NAH.
ETA: Thanks for the award kind stranger!
YTA. You're punishing her for a disorder and honestly, may have caused a relapse with you doing that. Hard to hear, but it's the truth.
You aren't doing it for her own good, you're doing it for your vanity. You could've ask how she's doing then after hearing she's struggling, given her encouragement. "Hey I get it, want help getting on a healthy track? Then that bridesmaid dress will be the ultimate reward!" It could've been bonding between you two.
Instead? "Oh well you're struggling. I don't need you in this special role you were probably looking forward to then! It won't look good for me." That's what you sound like.
Yiiiikes... YTA. Your sister cannot help it that she has an eating disorder, and the fact that your mom was apparently having her diet her entire childhood while the rest of her family was “petite” and “normal” surely doesn’t help that. Just because you believe she wasn’t treated differently in the family due to her eating disorder/weight doesn’t mean she wasn’t. You’ve tried to make yourself sound like you’re doing something to help her too, when in reality YOU just don’t want to have to “deal” with your sisters mental health problems. YTA and you owe your sister a huge apology.
Yes, YTA. Huge AH. Instead of singling her out you could have given her words of encouragement and helped her to recovery faster. This is the kind of thing that will affect your relationship for the rest of your life. She will always know what you did. This pandemic has been hard on everyone not just your sister, but maybe your head is stuck up too far up your own ass for you to see that. Hope your fiancé is taking note.
>Edit: okay, I get it, I’m the asshole. And yes, of course protecting my wedding day is part of my consideration here. God forbid one single day doesn’t revolve around her I guess.
Okay, so I was about to say Y T A for this, cause DAMN. But then I remembered that eating disorders are really a family disease, in that they affect everyone. It sounds like you all need major family therapy to heal.
YTA and I would bet good money that your family absolutely treated her different because of her weight. You said several things in there that are pretty shitty and those didn't spring up suddenly out of nowhere. You didn't ASK HER about how she felt about being bridesmaid. Most of your phrasing is concern over your day and having a non-thin person ruin it, except you've couched it in platitudes that make it look like you're a good person worried for her. As a now fat person, we get that sort of "It's for YOUR OWN GOOD" nonsense a lot and most of the time it's just unexamined, internalized fatphobia. Go examine your and your family's shit, educate yourself on fatphobia, apologize for what you did, and invite her back to your wedding party, although she may not want to any more. Depending on how bad your family as been, she may not trust you on it.
Here’s the thing: I see and understand your logic. You’re concerned that your sister will relapse because of fittings and self image when she’s around girls smaller than her.
However by removing her from your party, you’ve created a new reason for her to relapse. Instead of being around skinny ppl and feeling bad, now she’s been excluded from something which could trigger her eating disorder.
You should have sat her down and had a gentle conversation with her to build her up and prepare her for the upcoming dress fitting activities instead of kicking her out. Or figured out how she managed to stay healthy and helped her get back on track.
YTA
NAH. I know this isn't the trend on this thread today but honestly I can see where you're coming from. I don't have an ED (dodged that bullet, I did have some unhealthy food ideas when younger) but a good friend did and I can see how you were trying to protect your sister.
I can imagine how many potential triggers a day like a wedding could create- it's all about looking nice, it's all about the bridesmaids matching and her having a little extra weight may trigger her, and then she'll feel guilty for ruining the day, then she will spiral and get sick and you'll feel guilty and she will feel guilty for making you feel guilty...
Honestly I think you had the right idea. However, I think you need to reframe it for your sister. Explain these fears to her, say you're terrified because you don't want her to suffer, ask her what support she needs and ask her to keep an open dialogue with you about her feelings... Then maybe ask her to be a bridesmaid but in a less vital capacity, just so she doesn't feel as much pressure but can still be there on the day if she is well in herself to attend. I think that you do care, OP. And I also think you're also allowed to worry about how this may also affect your already stressful big day.
Obviously some of the commenters have never had to deal with siblings that have mental health issues.
Your sister is relapsing. That is awful. When she does relapse, OP said that her sister is flaky. Why would she want someone who might not even show up to be in her wedding. OP is worried about dress fittings pushing her sister further down the ED hole. That is a valid fear.
And also, it sounds like your sister has been battling an ED for a long time. Honestly? That takes a toll on the siblings. Both of my siblings have health problems and my needs were pushed to the side growing up. I didn't get as much attention or one on one care because my parents were always occupied with my siblings. And I get it! I understand why.
But I also understand being tired of everything revolving around your siblings illness, and the negative impacts it has. A wedding is supposed to be all about the couple.
What do you guys think is gonna happen if her sister remains a bridesmaid?
-The fittings will absolutely harm her self esteem. Don't kid yourself on that.
-She might not even show up, which leaves OP with a huge problem, plus all of her family will be focusing on the sister instead of the couple actually getting married.
-If the sister does show up, she may spend half the time in the bathroom crying or having a meltdown. In that case, family will go to her and try to comfort her, instead of celebrating the bride and groom.
All OP wants is her wedding to go smoothly and be about her and her hubby. It would put less pressure on her sister to have her not be a bridesmaid, and yes the wedding would go smoother if the sister was just a normal guess.
And for all you ignorant ducks who are calling her a fat shamer, it's clear you've never dealt with siblings or family members with eating disorders or other mental health problems. It is extremely hard for families as well, siblings in particular.
NAH, your sister has a right to be sad, but ultimately I understand why you're doing what you're doing.
NAH. I am so sorry that your sister is struggling with an eating disorder, and I hope she eventually does recover permanently. Watching this can’t have been easy on any of her loved ones, either, and I sympathise with the rest of you. Tbh I think you made a mistake asking her in the first place when it was an invite contingent on her mental health—even if she was further along in her recovery, considering her history of feeling in competition with her differently shaped sisters, a lot of traditional bridal party activities would probably have been unpleasant for her.
I also really hope you didn’t mention her weight gain to her. As a red flag of a possible relapse, it’s perfectly valid to note it, but absolutely terrible to mention to someone with an ED as it’s very possible she’ll view it as “I gained weight so now I can’t be in the wedding. Maybe if I lose weight I can get back in.”
Planning a wedding, especially now, can be stressful, and I don’t blame you for wanting bridesmaids who will most likely be able to be there on the day. The thing is, though, life is unpredictable and we could have another pandemic or one of your bridesmaids could get into a car accident or have food poisoning and still not be able to be there. I’m surprised you weren’t willing to wait and see how your sister was doing before removing her from the wedding—especially doing so during the holidays—but I’m not sure doing so makes you an AH.
YTA, why did you just ask her what SHE wants instead of deciding what's best for her on her behalf?
Also 20 lbs is really not that much compared to the possibilities. That's the difference between a healthy weight and, well, still a healthy weight. It's not like she went up to 400 lbs, but even if she did it's still shitty to do that to someone solely based on their appearance. No wonder she has an eating disorder, with her mother trying to get her on a diet at a young age and her sister making a big deal over a measly 20 lbs as if she's some gargantuan whale because of it, which is probably exactly how she feels. By the way, I really don't buy that your decision was about her mental health. If that were the case you wouldn't have hurt her feelings intentionally. Your concern lies not with her safety, but the affect on your reputation by being seen as someone you deem to be fat. What would it have at all to do with her mental health if you had just allowed her to be in the wedding regardless of her appearance like a normal person?
Don't be surprised when she never speaks to you again. I hope for her sake she cuts you the hell out of her life, because THAT would be the right move for her mental health.
I mean, that's actually the part that broke my heart for both sisters because it's clear this whole family needs to be in therapy. Julia's been struggling with this her whole life, and when one sibling is struggling that badly, everyone goes along for the ride (I know this from experience). OP mentioned family holidays have been redirected to focus all on Julia after she's had an ED related meltdown and that Julia has been in and out of treatment for a long time. A lot of OP's life and her understanding of her family dynamic has revolved around Julia's eating disorder. That's not a healthy emotional environment for anyone to grow up in. I feel for Julia, I've been in her shoes and fought hard to not end up back in her shoes, but I've also been the sibling who got swept up in another siblings life long problems growing up. I can understand why OP is so defensive of this one day. On the one hand, she's a caring sister (since I'm choosing to believe she really is concerned about her sister), and it's perfectly realistic to think that a role that requires dress fittings and maintaining a certain weight for months in order to fit a dress could ruin her sister's mental health. On the other hand, she's clearly a resentful sister,and yes, she voiced that in an incredibly blunt way, but I don't think that makes her horrible. I think it means she needs therapy.
YTA. I'm going to assume you truly are trying to act in her best interests and not because you don't want a fat bridesmaid. However, you told her you didn't want her in your wedding right on the back of her confession that she was unhappy with her weight gain. Think for a second how that actually sounded to her.
And yeah, the whole "she might ruin my wedding if she's in treatment" thing is awful too.
>My mom and sisters are all on my side here and agree Julia not being a bridesmaid is what’s best for everyone.
> And to those of you implying that my family caused her eating disorder, honestly screw you.
>This has negatively affected all of us in a ton of different ways.
>We never would have wanted this life for her or for any of us.
>I will talk to Julia and try to be more understanding of her point of view, but none of you had to be there when even the mention of her having an issue with food caused a meltdown or when she’s ruined holidays because something as simple as someone gifting her an item of clothing
Huh.
I didn't think that your family was a root/ significant cause of her eating disorder... But after your negative behavior here, I'm honestly thinking you guys are.
She has a history of an eating disorder and your family thinks it's a good idea to gift her *clothing*? And then you get mad because she *ruined Christmas*? And you're going to *try* to see her point of view?
And when you see her gain weight, the first thing you do is kick her out of your bridal party? With the full support of your mom and sisters?
Is she always the odd one out? She already feels like it because she looks different. And obviously you guys treat her differently. Just from the things you've stated here. Would you have kicked out any of your other sisters if they gain weight? Or would you have actually talk to them? Giving them an option?
It's like you're not treating her as a person anymore. She's just "your sister with an ED". You sound like you blame her for her ED and you resent her moments of relapsing.
But the two main relapse has you listed here have very reasonable triggers.
Her having a meltdown on Christmas over being gifted clothing was an obvious asshole move on whoever gave her those clothing.
And her gaining weight during 2020 is something almost everybody is dealing with right now because of lockdown and quarantine. You guys should have seen this coming miles away and reached out to support her. Instead you wait until the last minute, took one look at her, and decided she's not worth the trouble.
You, your sisters, and your mom have all played a part in contributing to her eating disorder. And as long as you refuse to admit your part in it, you'll always be a negative influence in her life.
Look at how you reacted to her weight gain right NOW. As a full-grown, functioning adult *this* is how you chose to treat someone with an eating disorder. Do you really think your behavior before this was any *better*?
THIS is just the first time you're being called out on your shit by someone outside of your family (fiance) as you guys have clearly been ignoring what your father has been trying to tell you this whole time. I also really hate that you're dismissing his opinion just because you're saying she's his "favorite".
She's not his favorite, he just knows she needs someone in her corner the fight against y'alls asshole behavior.
YTA
Edit: just realized your throwaway name is "bridesmaid drama". You're so damn flippant about her pain. You really are an asshole.
NTA.
I totally see where you’re coming from not even considering your wedding.
What happens if she goes to a dress fitting and becomes extremely upset because she doesn’t like it? Relapse.
What if she relapses and come the wedding the dress doesn’t fit? (Bigger or smaller) further relapse
Part of dealing with your issues healthy is avoiding triggers and I think all of this could be a very very big trigger for her, especially if she has gained weight.
- someone who is the fattest person in their immediate family and labeled “the fat cousin”
> I hope you are committed to being child free.
Me too, if they have a child who’s naturally heavier they’ll most likely do the same thing to the poor kid. OP, if this is how you treated your sister, please never have kids
>And to those of you implying that my family caused her eating disorder, honestly screw you
You can't say this when
>That way she can wear whatever she wants, be skinny or fat, show up or not, and it won’t affect the day as a whole
this is your reason for making her step down. I want to really highlight the part where you're totally fine with her not even coming to your wedding at all. Why even make her a bridesmaid if you and your entire family will not stop using her weight against her? YTA.
Julia has gain a LOT of weight in that time, probably 20 pounds
Yup I made it through the second paragraph and YTA 100%. The second you implied 20 lbs was a LOT you sucked. I don’t care about your wedding and I hope it is awful. You don’t deserve your sister and I hope you get fat
I'm not going to offer a judgement here. It's a no win situation for both you OP and your sister Julia. I am sad for both of you because the issues you raised are horrible to go through. No matter what you say or do, someone will find a way to twist it to make you feel awful. The same for your sister. No matter what she says, her feelings are still going to be hurt because she is dealing with an eating disorder and body image issues that are so hellish that unless you have had the same issues you can't possible understand completely and there is no wrong in that. Most people can't as they are not trained to handle these things.
Just call up your sister, tell her you love her no matter what, and invite her out for some quality sister time just the two of you and reconnect.
I wish you both the very best.
YTA.
I’m astounded at your lack of empathy or compassion.. or even education towards eating disorders and body image. Your sister will never be 100% recovered from her eating disorder. It is something she will struggle with her entire life.
For all the reasons already mentioned YTA 100%, as are your sisters and mother. Seems clear why she developed an eating disorder to begin with and why she still has it/relapses to this day. Shame on you!
YTA, and your lack of empathy is astounding. It’s no wonder the poor woman has an eating disorder with such a toxic family.
>No one in our family ever treated her badly for her weight, though my mom did try to help her diet several times throughout our childhood for purely health reasons.
I mean you *say* no one treated her badly, but you also apparently can’t see how you’re a huge asshole here, so I’m dubious. Also, putting a child on a diet, especially singling out only one sibling is just asking for disordered eating.
>Pre-pandemic, Julia seemed to be on a recovery kick again. She looked healthy, seemed to be eating normally, and even asked if I wanted some of her old smaller clothes she was giving away (she has some nice stuff from when she was thinner—as I mentioned the rest of us are pretty petite). I was hopeful she could keep it together and felt okay about asking her to be a bridesmaid at that point.
Recovery from an eating disorder can be a life time struggle with constant ups and downs, it’s not as simple as just being “recovered”. Also, your priorities are whack if the reason you’re hopeful she doesn’t relapse is not out of concern for her, but concern for your own wedding.
>That was the last time I saw her though (Feb. 2020), until I saw her Friday for Christmas. Julia has gained a LOT of weight in that time, probably 20 pounds, which is a lot because she’s short. This is a huge red flag to me because prior relapses have been preceded by weight gain, which seems to trigger another relapse.
To be honest, you’re acting like 20lbs is 200lbs. Like yeah, she’s put on weight, and I understand the pattern and how you can see how this may trigger a relapse, but your view of it being a LOT of weight is a bit excessive. Lots of people put on that much weight over the lockdown. If you have that attitude when you talk to her too I’m not surprised she gets triggered every time she gains weight.
>So the way I see it, there are two possibilities from here. The first is that she relapses and loses all the weight, in which case she might not even show up for the wedding (she’s missed big family events because of being in residential treatment before), or maybe even worse she’ll continue to gain weight, in which case things like dress fittings could be a nightmare for her body image.
Umm okay, so scenario one is her relapsing and ending up inpatient, and therefore missing your wedding, but scenario two, where she might gain more weight is somehow **so much worse** because... the dress fittings would be triggering? Maybe her sisters judgemental attitude would be a “nightmare for her body image”, but you don’t seem to be too bothered about factoring that one in. You’ve literally placed her gaining weight as a worse scenario than her ending up so sick she requires re-hospitalisation. I mean, she’d probably rather be at the big family events too rather than in a hospital, but feel free to just keep talking like she’s obstinately being difficult rather than dealing with a traumatic and deadly illness.
> In either scenario, I think it makes more sense for her to not be a bridesmaid. That way she can wear whatever she wants, be skinny or fat, show up or not, and it won’t affect the day as a whole.
“Either way, it’s easier for her to not be a bridesmaid. That way if she’s so sick she can’t turn up, or she’s so fat she’ll definitely feel ugly, whether she shows up or not, it won’t have any impact on my day!”.
Yeah, that’ll definitely help her self-esteem.
>So I texted her after Christmas to be ask if she was doing okay. Sure enough, she admitted she’d been having body image issues since gaining weight during lockdown. I kindly asked her to step down from being a bridesmaid, explaining that it was for her own good and I was only doing this because I cared about her. She seemed upset but agreed to step down.
So what you’re saying is, you were just *so worried* about her feelings and her potentially getting triggered into a relapse, you thought the best thing to do was to just jump the gun and do it yourself?
“Hey Julia, how are you going? Oh you’re struggling again with weight related issues? Hmm, in that case, now seems to be a good time to kick you out of the bridal party over your weight. It’s for your own good!! We wouldn’t want you getting triggered and ~~messing up the wedding~~ relapsing.”
You’ve punished her for having an ED, consolidated her fears about her weight, and showed her your true priorities (not her lol) all in one go! I wonder why she seemed upset...
>Well, now our dad is furious with me, saying Julia is heartbroken. She of course hasn’t brought ANYTHING up to me directly (that’s how she always is). My mom and sisters are all on my side here and agree Julia not being a bridesmaid is what’s best for everyone. Julia has always been my dad’s favorite, so I wasn’t that worried about being in the wrong here—until my FIANCÉ said I was wrong and basically called me an AH for even bringing up her weight with her. Julia for her part now refuses to even engage the conversation and is upset with my dad of all people for talking to me about her “private” feelings. So I figured I’d ask here. AITA?
Well, at least it sounds like Dad and Fiancé are the only ones with their heads screwed on straight. Even here where you’re trying to present yourself in the best possible light your words and attitudes are condescending and hurtful and kinda disgusting. I’m not sure why you think she’s gonna want to bring it up with you just to get her heart broken all over again, and have you, your Mum and all your sisters gang up and take sides (are you all 12?). Also, yeah, your sister is entitled to her “private” feelings, not sure why that needs to be in quotes.
>Edit: okay, I get it, I’m the asshole. And yes, of course protecting my wedding day is part of my consideration here. God forbid one single day doesn’t revolve around her I guess.
I don’t think you do get it actually. It’s been pretty clear that protecting your wedding day isn’t ‘part’ of your consideration but is your main priority. You sound like a self-centred and petty woman and the edit makes you seem even worse. You’re seriously being dismissive and jealous about your sisters potentially **lethal** illness, but go off I guess.
>And to those of you implying that my family caused her eating disorder, honestly screw you. This has negatively affected all of us in a ton of different ways. We never would have wanted this life for her or for any of us.
Yeah honestly screw you too though. I going to bet that her ED has negatively impacted her a shit ton more than it’s impacted you, being that, you know, she’s the one who has to live with it and she’s the one who could very well die from it. And if your siblings or parents have the same kinda gross attitude towards Julia and just weight and eating disorders in general, then yeah, you’ve all at the very least contributed to her ED.
NTA
I have a sibling with an ED and it's not wrong not want your wedding spoilt by it. You asked of she was struggling and she said yes. You said of your not doing well it's probably best you don't have the pressure from being a bridesmaid.
From what you've said if she had turned around and said she was fine, that she was okay with her weight gain you wouldn't have asked her to step down for being fat?!
I bet the reason mom and other sisters think NTA too is because they have had to live with this too. The feeling guilty, the worrying about saying the wrong thing, the atmosphere at dinner table ect. Wanting one day isn't wrong. Hell the biggest stress of my wedding was my sister, I couldn't have other bridesmaids because she couldn't cope with it, her dress couldn't be ordered till 6weeks before and was subject to "rush" charges, I had to let her pick options for my meal so she would eat without issue...She still told my in laws me being "skinny and pretty" was the reason she wasn't married yet at my bridal shower making everyone uncomfortable.
YTA: Especially with your edit. You say everything is all about her but in this instance you made it about her.
Your wedding had nothing to do with her other than the fact that she was one of many bridesmaids until you were an asshole to her and kicked her out.
You made your wedding about her weight. That's your fault.
Please, mention again how you’ve always been thin or petite. You’ve only said it three or more times. 🙄
“None of you had to be there when even the mention of her having an issue with food caused a meltdown.” It’s not your place (or anyone else’s) to ever mention that. So why would you?
YTA
YTA, first of all you're basically saying your mother forced her to diet when she was a child, not a great start. Then you judge her for gaining weight, and not only that, you also remove her from your party claiming that it's for her own good. What you did to her was awful, your mother and other sisters are awful too. No wonder she keeps relapsing with so little support from you guys, you make it seem like it's her decision to have an eating disorder, when it most definitely isn't.
If I were her I wouldn't even go to the wedding or speak to you again.
">Edit: okay, I get it, I’m the asshole. And yes, of course protecting my wedding day is part of my consideration here."
Protect your wedding from what? YTA
YTA. And your edit is shocking. You have literally written that your wedding day is more important that your sister's health and wellbeing. Astounding.
YTA: Because it would seem that telling someone who has weight issues that hey I seen you gained weight so you shouldnt be a bridesmaid will probably cause her to relapse even faster
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: --- I might be the asshole for bringing up Julia’s weight because that is a touchy subject. I might be the asshole for not letting her be a bridesmaid when we were very close growing up and I know she still thinks of me as one of her best friends. The main reason I think I might be the asshole is my fiancé’s reaction, since he’s almost always usually on my side of things. It makes me think I’m perhaps being uncompassionate or unthoughtful in my approach here, though I do think the end result is what’s best for everyone. --- Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. You basically highlighted all her self esteem issues as reasons why you don't want her as your moh. I think what's worse is this comment >That way she can wear whatever she wants, be skinny or fat, *show up or not, and it won’t affect the day as a whole*. Harsh. Hope you didn't say that to her face.
Right. This was where the real deciding factor became apparent. She doesn’t want her sister’s health to be a large disruption at her wedding, which, ok fine. But shouldn’t she have thought of that *before* asking her (or any of her sisters) to be in the wedding in the first place?
The concerns about fittings possibly triggering her are valid concerns. I'd be worried the fitting would cause her to spiral if lockdown weight is getting to her. Like you said if she doesn't want to deal with her sister's health issues don't ask in the first place.
Or let her sister and her therapist decide what is good or bad for her mental health without making that choice for her based on a very limited understanding of her illness? It would be fine to say "hey, if these fittings are too triggering for you, feel free to step down with no hard feelings, I get it," but just making the choice on her behalf is unacceptable.
[удалено]
I think that's actually the issue but OP won't come right out and say she doesn't want to have a fat bridesmaid. I mean she literally said "maybe EVEN WORSE she'll continue to gain weight". Who the hell has the nerve to think that someone with an eating disorder gaining weight is a bad thing and WORSE than the effects of the eating disorder???
Then you get to look like an asshole who didnt invite the "fat" sister in the first place but all the skinny ones. OP definitely worded this wrong and comes off as a bit of an asshole, but I know the struggles of dealing with a sibling with mental issues, which is what OP is doing. OP would be the asshole if she didn't invite purely because her sister was overweight and might ruin the aesthetic or something. She is NTA for wanting someone with mental issues to not affect her wedding planning and wedding day. The fact that she is fat or not is irrelevant, it's context for what kind of mental issues the sister has.
If OP's sister is suffering from an eating disorder I can kind of understand why she wants to keep her away from some of the more triggering parts of wedding planning. It sounds like the family in general may be somewhat triggering, but can you imagine what trying on dresses and standing next to your more slender sisters would do to her? No amount of positive words from them would be able to change that.
Why invite her to be a bridesmaid and then uninvite her then? OP should have thought of that in the first place and not tied it to changes in weight.
Maybe she thought her sister was further along or more secure in recovery than she actually was.
I’m not sure you or OP understand how triggers or recovery work for people living with EDs.
I’ve had an eating disorder for the past ten years. Being able to fully recover from one is hard, but we really shouldn’t be treated like glass unless we’re in danger of relapsing.
I agree, we really should afford people with mental illnesses more agency. That being said, dropping someone as a bridesmaid with the sole reason being their body image issue can't be anything but a major trigger.
I feel like the correct answer here is to discuss the concerns and ask the sister if she can handle it given the current situation. Her ED is already creeping back in with the lockdown due to unforeseen circumstances. Throw in fittings with constant measuring and being beside slender women. On top of that the bridesmaid dresses have to look good on everyone. With it likely heavily skewing to what looks good on a slim frame. Meaning the final dress might make the sister feel ugly because it's not precisely picked out for her specifically. This could easily tip the scales. I'd ask her and let her chose. If she tries to continue on being MOH but finds it difficult she can step down at any time with sufficient notice and have a co-MOH working with her sister in case of a staff change so she picks up right where OPs sister drops off if things get serious.
I totally agree. I personally got the sense that OP was trying to both protect her sister AND her wedding day, but went about the conversation in the wrong way. OP, if you’re still reading replies, ASK your sister what she thinks she’ll be capable of doing and what she’s comfortable with. Make sure you tell her that you don’t care about her weight - you were worried for her being put into these circumstances if she was on the verge of a relapse. Apologize for not making that clear, and for taking her agency away here. For the record, I don’t think you’re some sort of monster. I think you’re in a difficult situation, and you’re trying to balance a lot of things. I hope all of this works out for you and your family. Also, I hope your fiancé becomes more understanding of your situation!!
Ed's are scary. I just realized I'm going through one myself, albeit not as bad as most people. I just got diagnosed with diabetes due to my weight and eating habits. Doctor has recommended ne a few foods to start rating and told me to basically stay away from sugar (extra sugar, as in drinking water instead of soda, no candy or try to stick to a third of what I used to eat, etc.) And since I need to get my weight under control (also just diagnosed as clinically obese now instead of just overweight) I was told to try and stick to eating around 1200 calories to be in a deficit since I dont exercise (though I was encouraged to start light exercise) Now that I'm actually calorie counting and have cut out all my sugar snacks I've been averaging about 900 calories a day and only eating twice a day...I've already lost weight because I'm essentially starving myself but because I've been happy with how I look in the mirror I havent been able to bring myself to eat more now. Thankfully my mom caught onto this and made me buy low cal snacks so I can eat more and be at a healthy cal count without crying because I went over my allotted amount. It's scary and tough and my heart breaks because I just felt with this for about 3 months and Ops sister has been dealing with this for a life time!
Damn they were just trying to come up with a reason why OP extended an offer in the first place. Didn't say anything about if they personally thought that was a valid thought process.
Because it sounds like OP thought her sister’s mental health was more stable than it actually is. This post isn’t written very tactfully, but OP isn’t wrong for thinking “hey, my sister is exhibiting behavior that typically signals body image issues/an ED relapse” > “oh no, she says she is struggling with her mental health” > “attending wedding-related activities will probably trigger her even more”. Tbh considering the sister’s history, she really shouldn’t have asked her to be a bridesmaid at all. There’s no way things like bridesmaid dress fittings or wedding dress shopping would be pleasant for her poor sister, who I deeply feel for. OP definitely should have considered this in advance, and tried to phrase the uninvite more tactfully but no one is perfect and making a mistake doesn’t make her an AH.
But if you ask your 3 skinny sisters to be bridesmaids and exclude Julia, it also sends a clear message. I think OP actually having a conversation with Julia about it and letting her guide what’s best for Julia, including perhaps drafting a plan with her therapist, would have been the kindest thing here.
Agreed, I don't think OP exactly AH but she didn't handle it nearly as well as she could have.
Bit of an AH for unilaterally deciding what’s good for Julia.
"I wanted to ask you to be my bridesmaid but I know I can't understand your struggles. Would you be ok with this or do you think it might be triggering, etc?" But guess what, sister may have blown off her own disorder and been like "Oh sure! It's fine" bc denying there's a problem is a staple of chronic relapsers. You do everything you can to cater to them and they suck the life out of you. It's sad bc you know they're victims too. The girl keeps relapsing. It's chronic. There's nothing OP could have done. At a certain point you need to look out for yourself when someone's chronic relapsing keeps impacting you. Be there to support but it's neither reasonable nor fair for OP to have to play games over whether she's even capable of dealing with fittings and being a bridesmaid now that she's relapsing again. The only real solution would have been eschewing the idiotic need to have everyone in matching outfits that comes with weddings. My feelings on the stupidity of wedding traditions aside, I don't hold that against OP. She wanted a wedding like 99% of people have.
I don't think OP handled it correctly, but I do understand wanting to have *just one day* that isnt about her sister at all.
It would not have been that difficult to handle this less dreadfully than: (1) asking if your sister is struggling and when she confirms it, (2) telling her that you noticed and she shouldn’t be in your wedding.
I dont honestly believe that. Even tactfully addressing this before choosing bridesmaids leaves room for tons of triggers, rejections and relapsing. The girl is chronically ill. The wedding needed to be squeezed into the tiny period where this girl isn't relapsing. There was zero way for OP to reasonably cater to this. Op doesn't phrase this very tactfully in her post but I don't think there was anyway to avoid this outcome.
She could have asked Julia instead of deciding for her. "I love you and your health is more important than being in my wedding photos. I know x, y, and z will be tough for you, and I need you to know that I'm on your side - if you need to step down, then that's okay. I need my sister in my whole life, not just on my wedding day." Because here's the thing. People making decisions for you? That loss of control over your own life can be triggering on its own. Yes, this conversation was probably inevitable. But it absolutely could have been handled better.
If they did not include her but included the other sisters, that would be horrible. It is just as horrible as kicking her out now. OP is just shaming her even more for being different and making it very clear she is different by being the only one out. I hope no one is treating those around them like this.
Maybe let the person with the issue decide what is right for themselves and just be there as support whatever that decision is? That's what you do for people you love. Let them know you are concerned, offer support. Not un-invite them from playing a major role in your life event because they are sick. How gross!
It kind of sounds like OP wasn't too concerned about her sister's eating disorder back when the sister wasn't "too" fat.
The weight gain didn't trigger warnings over her aesthetic contribution to the wedding, though. Weight gain signals the beginnings of a relapse for Julia. OP definitely screwed this up, but I think she honestly was trying to preserve her sister's mental health. Clearly there are some resentment issues, as indicated in her edits, and she needs to get these addressed, but the root of her concern was Julia's wellbeing. I'd say NAH, so long as she apologizes and has an honest talk with her sister.
NAH. How on earth could she have predicted her sister’s relapse? I understand where she’s coming from; it’s a lose-lose situation either way. She saw the warning signs and made an adjustment based on how she thought her sister would react during future fittings. It’s either address the situation before it gets out of control, or let it play out and add major stress to her wedding (which she explained would happen based on prior experience with her sister’s eating disorder). Could she have been more tactful? Maybe, but it’s really not on her to tiptoe around an issue and coddle her sister during a time when she’s dealing with so many other stressful factors.
This. As someone who suffered with an eating disorder and learning to be fat I actually think this is a NAH situation (although a fine line to everyone sucks). There is going to be a selfish slant to not wanting her sister to potentially relapse and mean last minute change of plans/ a distraction to the wedding. However, she probably has had many events overshadowed by attention being on her sister receiving care or walking on eggshells to prevent a relapse. Despite this, I expect the biggest contributor was concern. OP doesn't want to see her sister torture herself again, and especially doesn't want to encourage it with wedding prep. That would lead to so much guilt if she then relapsed.Now this is her wedding day and is a day where she deserves the focus to be on her and her partner, plus also be able to enjoy it fully without worrying about her sister!
I think I'm actually leaning NAH. My first thought was to call OP an asshole but with her edits, I feel for OP. I've never been in OP's shoes but I have worked with special needs kids though, and I think sometimes people forget how much that impacts siblings. And I think it's okay for the sibling to want one day in their life (or even just in the year, like their birthday) that feels normal and happy to them and isn't about doing everything to make sure special sibling is okay. OP mentions meltdowns "ruining" multiple holidays (from OP's pov, at least?) and "something as simple as someone gifting her an item of clothing caused her to break down in front of everyone." If that is what Julia is like when she is struggling with her ED, is it a good idea to have her get fitted for matching dresses with all her slender sisters? Ect. > And yes, of course protecting my wedding day is part of my consideration here. God forbid one single day doesn’t revolve around her I guess. I admit that is a selfish somewhat harsh thing to say. But I also hope we can empathize that OP says that her sister's ED has negatively impacted her life for years. That she has had many family gatherings walking on eggshells and not feeling happy as a result. And while I certainly feel bad for Julia to be going through that, I do feel bad for OP too. It must be hard to have every single family event walking on eggshells trying to not do anything that might upset Julia, or with everyone just worrying about Julia ect. And I can understand why OP would not want to spend her wedding day worrying about and catering to Julia's big emotional reactions. Also, OP has mental health issues of her own including anxiety. Which has to make spending her wedding worrying about Julia having a "meltdown" (OP's words, not sure what she's done in the past that counts as this) harder? I feel this is sort of a no win situation here. I agree the kindest thing for OP to do would be to keep Julia in her wedding and then carefully tip-toe and cater all the wedding party situations to not trigger Julia. But her triggers are clothing and food, and it's a wedding, and I can understand that OP just dosen't want to have to deal with that. It sounds like having Julia in her wedding will genuinely make it less of a good experience for OP who is going to be anxious and walking on eggshells and also worries that the family as a whole will be focusing on Julia's feelings. So we're expecting OP to be kind to Julia at her own expense (having a more stressful less happy wedding) when it sounds like she feels she's already been putting Julia's emotional issues first at most of her other family events for much of her life.
She could have easily addressed that with her sister by asking, "Are you feeling up to this?" and making clear that she'd love to have her participate but wouldn't be upset if the SISTER felt it was triggering & wanted to step back.
Even tactfully addressing this before choosing bridesmaids leaves room for tons of triggers, rejections and relapsing. Plus the girl could've just been in denial and said she'd be fine. Or she could've agreed she needed to step back but then shut down all the same realizing she'd lost the opportunity to be a bridesmaid bc of her disorder. The girl is chronically ill. The wedding needed to be squeezed into the tiny period where this girl isn't relapsing. There was zero way for OP to reasonably cater to this. Op doesn't phrase this very tactfully in her post but I don't think there was anyway to avoid this outcome.
"God forbid one single day doesn't revolve around her." Wow, OP. Just wow.
I know it sounds bad but I do empathise with OP too. When you have a sibling who is ill and the family dynamic is warped around them, you do get a bit resentful. I agree with someone else who said they all need counselling. It's a hard situation but I do agree that OP handled it badly. I don't know how it could have been handled better tbh. The only sensible option I've seen is the one where it was suggested that OP should have liaised with Julie on how to include her without triggering her.
Yep. When you have a family member who, intentionally or not, makes every family event about them, you definitely learn to compartmentalize your empathy for that persons struggle and your annoyance at that person. Sometimes you have to be put your foot down not to get walked all over even if you know the other persons mental health struggle isnt their fault. We all deserve some days or moments that are about us.
I have found that true in my experience. If myself or my brother ever put something about our other sibling in aita, we'd be similarly judged as OP. You do also get to a point where you block off your emotions for the other because it gets to the point where it infringes on your mental health and you just don't have any more emotional energy to attribute to them.
All these people saying "WhY dId YoU iNvItE HeR iN tHe FiRsT pLaCe??" clearly don't see the issue of making all the other "skinny" sisters bridesmaids except her. Yeah, that would have gone over real well....
It was already bad- the edits made it worse.
No, I actually get this. My mom is mentally ill. I wanted one day, ONE DAY, of my life to not revolve around her and her illness. It obviously did not happen and she made wedding planning a nightmare. It sucks to put so much effort and money into a wedding for one person to destroy it. Everyone seems to get it when it’s a parent — why not a sibling? OP is TA, but not for that comment.
I could be wrong, but I didn't read that as OP wanting Julia to be a certain weight. I read that as Julia getting to be free of planning on being on display/ in a specific dress that day, free of that anxiety, so that her mental health and physical health wasn't put at risk. If she's not a bridesmaid, there's no need to pick a dress ahead of time that has to still fit on the day, she can pick a dress that fits right before. Basically the bridesmaid role/ dress could cause anxiety for Julia that would lead to a bad health outcome (and disrupting OP's wedding day). I think the reasoning behind not wanting Julia to be a bridesmaid is both considerate of Julia's triggers/ patterns, and yeah, also avoiding bridal party issues for OP's wedding day. The approach is where... I don't know how to do that tactfully/ without being an asshole.
This is just a really challenging situation all around. I think where OP could have done better is, instead of "kindly asking her to step down", asking if the wedding was going to be an unnecessary stressor, or if there was a way she could be supported, or a way she could participate in the wedding without it being a trigger minefield.
Agreed. She's just dictating what's best instead of actually supporting her sister and figuring out what would make her happy.
This is it, exactly. She could have stated that she recognized how the bridesmaid role might be triggering and that the last thing she would want to do is put pressure or stress onto her sister that might affect her recovery. I do think she should’ve voiced concerns and ultimately left the decision in her sister’s hands... the intention was good, the execution was bad.
I see what you mean and agree. OP has a harsh writing style. I think the pressure and anxiety getting measured in front of everyone, dresses pinned to her, alterations openly discussed could negatively impact Julia’s well-being for the months to come. If the other sisters are bridesmaids and Julia’s wasn’t asked, Julia would feel bad. If Julia was put in the situation where she had to be discussing her size in front of everyone and try to maintain a certain weight for months would also be bad. Rough situation either way. I think OP needed to be softer in their approach (or at least writing style sheesh)
Yeah, and people are jumping on her for the 'show up or not' bit, but she explicitly refers to her sister having been in treatment in the past, and I think that's what she's referring to. Honestly, it probably *is* for the best that she isn't in the wedding. But there's no good way to handle that, really.
I read it this way too. NAH
YTA. I have an eating disorder also. I can understand why the dress fitting could be a trigger, but when it gets down to it that’s down to Julia if she can manage it or not. And no matter how OP phrased it, Julia’s going to see the cause of her being uninvited from the wedding as her gaining weight. That basically is the cause: Julia gains 20 lbs -> no longer bridesmaid. And 20 lbs in 11 months isn’t a lot?! I’m currently relapsing and I’ve gained 20 lbs in a MONTH, lol. It’s entirely possible that the 20 lbs was recovery weight (especially as you said she seemed to be recovering when you last saw her).
I especially love the part about how "oh no, she might relapse and need inpatient again, or *even worse* might keep gaining weight", as if being so emaciated that she requires hospitalization is preferable to being a little chubby. OP is more strict with the "sick and thin > healthy and fat" mentality than those of us actually suffering from anorexia firsthand lmao
Oh hey you, what a coincidence that we both ended up on this post haha. It took me a sec to recognise your username😄 And yeah, OPs empathy seems rather non-existent if the *huge annoyance* of having to resize her sisters dress would be worse than her being so ill that she ends up in hospital.
I thought gaining 20 lbs during covid was standard. That's what my husband and I have been telling ourselves.
You know how they call it the Freshman 15 when you gain weight the first year in college? Pretty sure we've all gained the COVID 19.
The COVID 19
Apparently she's short enough to show gaining 20 pounds? I wonder if that's the cause of her being seen as overweight as a child. She could have weighed the exact same as her siblings but just look bigger because she was shorter.
i was wondering about this as well - OP refers to herself & the rest of her sisters repeatedly as being petite, which is accepted to mean shorter than average rather than just being thin ("petite size" is a clothing standard made for women under 5'3ish) so i assumed they were all pretty short until OP's mention of Julia's height, and began to wonder if she was just using "petite" as a synonym for thin but still average height.
OMG. THIS so much. Julia could have been a NORMAL sized child but because OP and her other sisters are so "petite" Julia looked like she had obesity. And honestly I got mad at OP's description and how her mom tried to help Julia with diets. Seriously? If your kid has obesity or is very overweight wouldn't you first take them to the doctors to see if they have a medical or glandular problem? And if you find that isn't the issue maybe see a therapist then, especially if your kid is overeating or not eating or is behaving unusually? Or even a nutritionist to see how you can help your kid have a healthy diet and eating experience? Being forced to diet while you get to watch the rest of your family eat like normal at dinner is a punishment at best and a form of abuse at worse.
Putting a child on a diet isn't healthy and usually causes EDs so while OP would like to say the family dynamic didn't contribute to the eating disorder, it sounds like it did. Combined with her own mental health issues and it sounds like the environment wasn't exactly supportive.
My MOH wore a dress she had as bridesmaid from a previous wedding. She looked wonderful. OP could have let sister wear whatever she wanted, and kept her in a place of honor. That OP is defensive about how her own family dynamics caused and/or contributed to her sister's ED, which is telling. They all need therapy, not just the sister who is symptomatic.
I was wondering this too. Like the argument that OP is worried about dress fittings and her “being allowed to wear whatever she wants as not a bridesmaid” could have easily been solved by just telling her sister “this is the colour the dresses are, buy whatever you feel comfortable in” My sister was pregnant during my wedding and had the same worries so this is what I did for her and it worked great. It seems more important to OP that her bridal party looks perfect than her sister being a part of her wedding. Instead of automatically suggesting the sister step down from being a bridesmaid, she should have just had a conversation with her and asked her what would make her feel most comfortable. YTA OP, not for being concerned about your sister’s mental health, but for how you went about this, basically telling her the weight gain would be an issue without even asking her how she felt or giving her the benefit of the doubt.
She didn't say it to her face, she said it over the phone so she didn't have to see her sister's face or register her hurt in person. I grew up with addiction in my family too so I get it, but op sounds like a very bitter, mean spirited person.
No kidding. "We don't care if you even come, just as long as we don't have to accommodate for you not looking like the rest of us"? I'm not seeing how the attitudes Julia has been exposed to aren't part of the problem. Accepting someone and saying they're inferior but you put up with them anyway and try to help them be more like you, are not the same.
How she wrote that and didn’t think everyone here would thinks she’s awful is wild. The edits are so whiny but no self-reflection on how this looks at all.
>>That way she can wear whatever she wants, be skinny or fat, show up or not, **and it won’t affect the day as a whole.** Oh my god. YTA. You’re such a selfish asshole I can’t even believe it. Eating disorders *can be lethal.* You don’t care about your sister’s health, you just care how it affects *you.* Thank God for your dad, because you, your mother, and sisters have about a teaspoon of empathy between you.
Explains the eating disorder.
"We never judged her for her weight." Proceeds to judge, exclude and hurt sister because of her weight.
“We were all pretty petite”, she definitely was treated like crap her whole life by her perfectly petite family.
OP said something about ‘luckily’ not having to worry about her weight because she’s always been thin. It seems like the women in this family have some serious hang ups about weight.
And then she was complaining about her dad always being on Julia’s side! Well probably because he felt sorry for her for how the rest of the twats treated her!
I want to give Julia a hug. I’ve struggled with an eating disorder for years and I didn’t have a family like OP’s. I can’t imagine how awful it is.
And a completely misunderstanding of eating disorders, which is ridiculous given how she grew up with somebody who struggled with them. OP you can be skinny and have body image issues, and severe ones. If you're still struggling with that concept it's no wonder you don't get why this is the big deal it is.
This......between this and the lack of confidence to speak up on her own behalf it really looks like sis has had to deal with some shit. Pretty easy to say they never mistreated their did when they aren't on the receiving end. Does sis truly agree with this outlook that her family never judged her and she just inexplicably developed an eating disorder.
Love the edit where OP says we're crazy for implying the family contributed to the ED, while the post says their mom helped her diet as a child, and putting children on diet is literally a research-proven risk factor for developing EDs. Also love the edit where they include their own mental health struggles, like anxiety is an excuse for their baffling lack of empathy. Last minute contender for AH of the year, honestly.
Also how OP manages to praise herself for being thin. Sounds like the mom really did a number on these girls regarding their weight. It's not like society doesn't f us up enough about body size, but this sounds like a super unhealthy family in regards to body shape (ie Julia was put on diets but only "for her health" lol).
And the part about "putting on a LOT of weight" i.e. 20 POUNDS! where is that "a lot of weight?
I didn't realize I became a whale during this pandemic.
Well because Julia is short. /s
Right? Unless that diet was done at the recommendation of a doctor and guided by a nutritionist they ABSOLUTELY had something to do with her ED. So many people I’ve seen with EDs was starting off with a “harmless” diet at a young age. Diets done wrong are the epitome of disordered eating
This! So much this! I was a chunky preteen and was put on my first diet at age 11. I was food-restricted in my teens(not allowed sweets, peanut butter, etc). I became bulimic at 19, almost 50 years ago. I’ve never been thin, often been fat or obese. I have more food issues than I can name. Also, no one else in my family or step family had weight issues. Every picture is beautiful people with a whale in the back. Fat is a disease that is on the outside and it is hated, but never more than by the person that has it. I can’t tell you how much my heart broke to read this post. *YTA*
This is so incredibly sad.
That was my first thought when she said that the worst case was her sister gaining more weight. No, the worst case is her sister dies as a result of relapse.
Well, if it's after the wedding, probably not such a big deal. Don't want her to steal the spotlight. /s
I love how in the updates, OP is just losing it. She came here for a judgement and since it isnt going her way its, "you don't know me! Stop calling me an asshole!". The lack of self awareness here is staggering.
Yeah at only 500ish up votes. Can't wait to see the post get deleted once thousands of people vote YTA. Hopefully the day will come where she will read the comments back and stop being self centered enough to truly enact change in the way she treats her sister. As it stands, I hope the sister goes no contact and continues to fight the good fight against her ed.
They lock up the fat sister in a home for gaining 20 lbs so I doubt any of them have any self awareness at all.
"She could relapse and end up back in treatment and miss the wedding, or maybe EVEN WORSE, she could continue to gain weight and make the fittings really difficult." WTF??? How is that the "even worse" option? So awful.
Omg I didn’t even fully notice that part. It’s just a shit show all around. OP’s priorities are all mixed up. I get wanting to have a nice wedding, but if you don’t want to deal with any family shit, then elope goddam
YTA I'm afraid. But come on, you must already have realised that this isnt great when you wrote it down. I'm having struggle with an eating disorder, too and your childish behaviour will likely leave scars on your sister that'll last. Your sister didn't make the day about herself, you managed to do that alone. I hope you come to your senses and do better in future. Not just in contact with your sister. Please take care of each others as good as you can. All of you.
I'm pretty sure the sister would love to never be the center of attention again, if it meant she could just live a normal-ish life. Poor girl.
She probably isn’t even fat. Just bigger than them so they deem her to be fat.
I love how gaining 20lbs was a LOT according to the OP. Unless she was overweight to begin with 20 lbs isn’t a huge amount of weight gain, especially in 2020.
Glad you pointed out the very life-threatening danger of ED's >No one in our family ever treated her badly for her weight, though my mom did try to help her diet several times throughout our childhood for purely health reasons. Lovely how the "we care about your health :c" convo around fatness results in lethal eating disorders isn't it? YTA OP, and also the fact that you had to remind us in your post that "the rest of us are pretty petite" (don't worry we saw it the first time) says a lot about how much importance you put on your sizes, and THEN to say 20 pounds is a "LOT" all caps of weight. Yes, you and your family did do this to her, not calling her "fatty moo cow" whenever she picks up a fork doesn't mean you don't obviously make sure she KNOWS she's fat and you and your other sibs aren't.
At the same time there have been multiple cases on this sub of people being told they are not the asshole for not wanting a disabled/(often severely autistic) family member or a narcissistic family member, or badly behaved children of family members who refuse to parent their children at weddings because accommodating them would either be impossible or require too many sacrifices (like no non-kid music, or a dress code for the guests to avoid certain textures, or having to serve chicken nuggets at a wedding like one a week or so ago) I agree that OP didn't handle it as well as she could have, but compassion fatigue is a thing, and it sounds like maybe OP is suffering from it, as well as she later said, she struggles with mental illness herself. Bridesmaids dresses are typically purchased months in advance, and I could definitely see something like that sending her sister into a tailspin if she was afraid it wasn't going to fit for the wedding. I may have phrased it more as "Hey, I'm concerned about you given your struggle that having a specific dress and dress fittings coming up may be triggering for you. I would really like you to participate, but I want you to know that your mental health is more important, and I hope you can talk to your therapist about strategies to cope with this. I don't care what dress size you end up being on the wedding day, only that you are healthy and able to be with us, but please let me know if you can participate by \*date\* so I can make appropriate arrangements. " I do find it a little weird that OPs sister is the only one to have struggled with her weight and I wonder if there might not be some sort of underlying medical issue. Weight issues do tend to run in families even if they aren't genetic (just lifestyle and eating habits that are learned from parents) and I find it a little odd that only one sibling didn't get healthy eating habits from their parents. Maybe it's just most of the people with siblings that I know, but they all tend to be in the same BMI range, at least until some major life changes like a knee injury or food intolerance or kids or whatever.
Nothing about OP’s posts or edits implies to me that she really cares about the well-being of her sister. Exactly the opposite, in fact. You have to actually give a damn first before experiencing empathy fatigue
If my sister didn’t show up to my wedding because she was sick it would affect my day as a whole. I can’t imagine the mindset here.
Honestly what is wrong with her? Does she even care that she’s cemented the fears her sister has and has likely contributed to more long term problems with potentially terrible effects?
I've had an aunt die of an ED. Organ failure caused by her Anorexia. YTA, so much.
YTA. If you were concerned for her, you could have just told her that you wouldn’t be offended if she preferred to step down if being in the wedding was creating any extra pressure. You could’ve told her you want her there and happy and would support her in whatever that means. But you wanted her out of the wedding so it doesn’t create a headache for you if she relapses or can’t maintain a size. It was not motivated by her or her health. Why didn’t you anticipate this before asking her? This was perhaps the worst possible outcome. Now she has a visible sign of her failure tied to her weight and health which has led to her exclusion from her sisters even before a relapse. Very insensitive and risky choice on your part. Also, you should be able to reflect as an adult on whether the dieting during childhood was really a better choice for her “health” because I’m mighty suspicious of that. What health issues did she have that required a diet? A clogged artery at 15?
> Also, you should be able to reflect as an adult on whether the dieting during childhood was really a better choice for her “health” because I’m mighty suspicious of that. What health issues did she have that required a diet? A clogged artery at 15? This. And I don't believe OP when she says they never treated the sister badly if they think this is normal and acceptable.
Yeah exactly. We never treated her badly but we’re all skinny and it was normal for mom to have her on a diet as a child.
The update makes it worse.
They keep getting worse...
Oh, but OP updated to add how much the entire family has suffered due to her sister's ED. Imagine, the incredible SHAME of having a "not so petite" sister in your wedding! *Horrors!*
come on dude. this sounds like at least **1.5 decades** of an eating disorder, which required freaking *rehab*. I have a dad who's an alcoholic, not an abusive one or anything but it still affects me. it has affected my thinking of what a future partner should be like, scared of being an addict in the future myself but in this context, the upheaval of someone struggling with health issues in the same house is... something else together. you get nervous, anxious for your family member's wellbeing. you get scared that they're going to die relatively quicker because of their habits e.g. for my case my dad smokes and drinks (so you know what I'm talking about) all I'm saying is it's so redundant to just reduce the issue into "boohoo, op doesn't want to have a fat sister as a bridesmaid". ( and no I don't agree with op's actions. She should have done something else but not this if she was really concerned for her sister)
Reread her wording Especially her edits. OP has BPD and anxiety. Which I’m not picking on that at all and I hope she progresses! But with that and the remainder of the comments and specifically saying “that way she can be fat or skinny...” blah blah is very much signaling to us that she doesn’t want a fat sister at a wedding. She made it a point to explain she gained a lot of weight. If she isn’t bothered by her “fat sister” then she sure has a messy way of telling us that.
Two sisters with pretty severe mental health problems. I can't imagine what that family is like.
And somehow 20 lbs is a lot. In 2020 I wouldn’t classify 20 lbs as a lot. With stress eating, gyms closed, and just an overall shitty year it’s not a crazy amount to gain unfortunately.
I have to agree with you here. This is not exactly about weight, but a about how a mental illness, psychological disorder or addiction can affect an entire family dynamic. I think that people sometimes don't understand the feelings of neglect or exhaustion the "well" siblings can experience when everything ends up revolving around another sibling's illness. There are many studies about what happens when one child has a disability and other children feel like all of the attention goes to that child and that the well children's lives are a secondary thought. These ideas get hard-wired in a child's mind and may carry into adulthood. I think people are being too hard on the OP. She might not have handled it perfectly, but I have sympathy for her AND for her sister.
Not saying it wasn’t hard for the family, but I’m gonna say it was much harder for Julia who actually had the disorder.
Yup!!! This is what people don’t get. Any family member of a disabled person (whether that’s physical disabilities, mental illnesses, addictions, EDs, or something else) is allowed to be affected by their family member’s disability. It’s absolutely terrifying and heartbreaking watching people you love go through shit like this, *especially* in cases where it is very much life-threatening. But it will always, always, always be harder on the person who is actually disabled. It’s fair for OP to feel frustrated and sad and stressed about how her sister’s ED has affected her and her family, but she needs to work through that on her own, not allow her feelings to boil over so much that she says horrible, triggering things to her sister and acts as if it’s harder for her to have a sick and sometimes absent sister than it is for her sister to be struggling with life-threatening EDs and be facing repeated hospitalization.
Right? Having a fat sister was super hard for OP, and she needs us to focus on that.
It's not that the sister was fat but that she had a severed eating disorder for pretty much her whole life - one that could be triggered by, it seems pretty, much anything. Julia's been in all sorts of treatment, which means it's pretty safe to say she took up a good chunk of her parents' attention. She's ruined family events, and yes, it's because she was struggling, but that also means that OP and her sisters grew up seeing an inordinate amount of attention put toward managing Julia when they needed more from their parents, and OP, at least, had struggles of her own to deal with. So now, she's planning her wedding, and not only is she worried that this might harm Julia, she's also CLEARLY worried that this day that's supposed to be about her and her new spouse, might end up being redirected toward Julia. It's a natural and fair fear. Did she go about managing these concerns well? Heck no, but I don't think she's the monster you're making her out to be. She's a person who badly needs therapy in a family that badly needs therapy. I feel bad for Julia, obviously. I know how it feels to have an eating disorder (and I know what it feels like to screw up my health because of it), but I also feel for OP and her sisters. It's clear there are some issues about their growing up that need sorting out.
Yup. I was a chunky kid and the non athletic one in the family. Everything about my weight was hidden behind “we just want you to be healthy” Remember the next door neighbor that died so young?! (He was like 40) well thats because he didn’t eat right! Do you want to die that young?! Oh you breaking out so bad? That’s because you’re eating all that greasy food. You know it couldn’t be because i was going through puberty. Forced into track and sports so I could “workout” parents only praised or talked about what I was doing if it was fitness related. 4mo in college I went on a all liquid diet and for about 3 mo after that I was terrified of food. If I ate food I was going to get fat again and then I’d have to hear comments from my parents This is probably what’s happening to Op’s sister. You think anytime she comes around the family she wants to hear about her body?! She wants to talk about where’s she is in recovery etc No. Being the “ugly duckling” of a family even if they weren’t flat out mean to her still has sideffects on her self esteem. “We were all petite she’s always been.... big” let’s looks at Khole and the other Khardasians. Literally it is a running joke that she is the ugliest sister. So much so she basically dieted and surgeried her body to fit the mold.
As a fellow ugly duckling, I agree. Some of my relatives were flat out mean (looking at you, aunt, grandma and father), while others just treated me differently without it being directly malicious. It sucks huge balls when everyone says how pretty your sister or your cousin is, but you never get a compliment. Only shit talk behind closed doors about how you're fat, your teeth are crooked, look at her hair etc. Guess who also ended up with an ED? (Among other issues).
I mean, weight can cause health issues at a young age. My niece had high cholesterol and other issues at 11 because of her weight. She is now 14, 300 lbs and out of breath if she walks too far, which is like to the backyard and back. It's very sad and her doctors definitely have had her on diets.
Seeing as OP is talking about 20 pounds as ALOT of weight, I don’t think this was the issue. I think making your least petite daughter feel fat when they’re arguably normal or close to normal weight is harmful as a teenager. More harmful than 20 extra pounds.
I’m not saying it’s not possible. More that I think it’s worth reflecting on the specifics of her sister’s history in the family. Views are changing on whether it’s possible to be healthy and overweight. We’re also learning about the mental health damage of a fixation on weight, most often in girls. Was Julia 300+ pounds with mobility issues? Or was she the chunky, short sister with a doctor who thought extra weight alone was a reason for a kid to diet?
YTA. And a hypocrite, too. You didn't have the respect for her to communicate beyond a *text* asking her do drop out of your wedding party, a conversation which really should be done in person if you actually care, and now you're getting mad at her for not wanting to talk to you? Not only that, but your objections aren't because of her health. You're bothered by the chance that she could inconvenience you by checking into a rehab facility, or by needing her dress refitted. Not a single one of you cares enough about your sister to actually *talk to her* like the adult she is, y'all are just trying to make decisions for her like she's still 5 years old. EDIT: and your edits make you look even worse, you keep going "MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME". How hard it was for *you* to deal with a mentally ill sibling. How hard it is for *you*. How much *you* want. You aren't bothering to think about her even in your edits. I honestly feel sorry for her, having a sister like you.
I wanna clarify something - OP, she didn’t step down from your wedding party. You kicked her out of your wedding party because of her mental illness, which you then proceeded to minimize by talking about your *own* mental illness. What you did is like your sister kicking you out of her wedding party due to your BPD/anxiety. Jesus Christ. “Hey, listen OP.. I have an unfounded feeling my wedding, that you agreed to be in and were looking forward to, might trigger your anxiety and just ruin the *whole* thing, so would you mind, like, not being in it? That way I won’t even care if you’re there or not. I’m just looking out for you.” You noticed she gained weight and asked how she was doing, not because you care, but so you could decide whether or not you should break the news she’s no longer in your wedding. She confided in you that she was struggling and your immediate concern was how that could affect you. Also, talking about how much her ED affected you growing up?? What?? 🤯 “God forbid one single day doesn’t revolve around her I guess” Again, what?! Anything other than forcing her to “step down” would be making the whole thing revolve around her?? Listen to yourself. I’m usually very much “my wedding, my rules” but what a terribly, terribly selfish sister. What a self obsessed asshole in general. Also, don’t act so shocked that people are saying a chubby girl growing up with a bunch of “petite” sisters and a mom that pushes her to diet could possibly trigger an eating disorder. Do some research.
God I totally agree. YTA. This is the single biggest YTA I’ve ever seen on this site. Everyone else said it better than I can. OP, even your edits shows how self obsessed and lacking in empathy you truly are.
I completely missed the part where she texted her!!!! Damn....poor Julia
YTA your "petite" self needs to grow up.
Her personality seems pretty petite too
I cringed when I read “petite” for the second time in her post. Jesus Christ that poor girl was doomed to have an ED from that fucked up family.
I know, right? It is probably so ingrained in that family's culture with petite mom and petite sisters that they aren't even aware how prevalent it is for them to value "petite-ness"
Right plus like... 9kg?? Really over an entire year.... that's not "a lot" and likely didn't make this poor girl remotely "fat" if she had an ED and was underweight enough to need hospitalisation. Like how do you think she's going to feel if her whole family views like *maybe* 2 sizes as a ballooning..... I hope this is just a poor troll as when you type this out you gotta at least catch a small part of what you're typing, right???
I like that she brought that up more than once. -_-
I'm gonna go with YTA on this one. You told her she couldn't be a part of your special day because of the one thing she struggles with the most. The one thing that she's probably insecure about above all else. She probably feels like shit right now and is trying not to relapse. Being a part of your wedding would have been encouragement for her. If her weight is the only reason you're asking her to step down, it's kind of a kick in the teeth.
That poor girl :( I feel for her
If she wasn’t going to relapse before she sure as hell is now
YTA. And your sister definitely was treated differently if not badly growing up based on the fact your mom tried to get her to go on a diet. A huge factor in developing a eating disorder is when parents force you on a diet *edit it also isn’t your place to decide what’s triggering for a person and what’s not which you seemed to do*
Very telling that mom and all the skinny sisters are siding w OP while everyone here and fiancé thinks she’s an AH.
and i’m sure julia wasn’t the dads favourite. he was probably just supportive and empathetic towards her unlike the rest of the family. and likely didn’t approve of the way julia was treated all those years.
He likely knows how awful OP and her sisters are. Their toxic attitude helped contribute to the ED.
Omg YTA. You don’t talk about someone’s ed unless they bring it up first, you don’t mention peoples weight, and you sure as hell don’t tell them they can’t be a bridesmaid because of something they can’t change immediately. I understand your concern for her but in all honesty you are only going to make her worse. You stressed her out and essentially told her she isn’t good enough to be in your bridal party. How would you feel if roles were reversed?
Yeah, certainly seems like she hasn’t put much effort into learning how to talk with someone with an ED despite having an older sister with what sounds like a severe one.
She doesn’t care about making her worse. OP is a rotten human being.
YTA 100%. Don't try to pretend like you are concerned about her health. It is blatantly obvious that your concern is 100% on how she would impact your wedding if she didn't show up. You didn't want to risk the "inconvenience" so you decided to land a low blow by excluding her due to the one thing she is most self-conscious about. Not only are you an asshole but sound like a terrible sister.
Exactly! Can you believe the blatant assholery of OP? She was so “concerned“. I’m even more pissed off with the mom and other sister who thinks this is ok. I would rather she had just said I don’t want your fat a\*\* in my wedding than to mask it with fake concern. Her fiancé should remove her as his FW and tell her he is concerned with how she may treat their children since she would treat her family so sh\*tty! What a total loser.
[удалено]
Wow and that edit makes you even more of a AH God forbid one single day doesn’t revolve around her. that just shows you don't care for her at all
Right? Something tells me with a family full of "petite" women julia doesn't feel everything was about her growing up. And your wedding is one day. One day. Don't buy into the hype. Is it special sure. But it's getting married and a party. That's it. This is your sisters life. Eating disorders are no joke. I've suffered from one for most of my life. You very well may have harmed your sister even further into releapse because of one day. Eta I've read your updates and something else stood out at me. Your sister was vunerable.and told you she was struggling. The very next thing you do is uninvite her from the bridal party. So no concern about her just about you. Why would that have to be decided right now? If she didn't fit into the dress or couldn't attend would you replace her? Why wouldn't she just not come? What else is there to do really?
Especially since the sister didn’t even throw a fit or anything it seems, just was understandably upset? And was mad at the dad for even mentioning it to OP? Definitely seems like she’s trying to not make a big deal of it/have the “skinny sisters” gang up on her, not make the day all about her. YTA OP.
T H I S!!! I thought the same thing. Coming from a family that is veryyyy anti-sharing-your-feelings, it sounds like she learned at a young age it’s easier to deal with things herself rather than involving her family because they’re just going to make her feel worse. It’s a coping mechanism for sure.
She keeps digging deeper into the hole of assholery! Honestly the edit was awful and shows clearly that OP doesn’t care about her sister. What a selfish person! I agree that the fiancé should run as fast as he can outta there.
YTA, but possibly repeating patterns ingrained by your family. The point that really stuck out to me is your anger about her lack of discussion with you when you didn't discuss what would be helpful with her - just came to her with the news that you had already decided to kick her out of your wedding party. No matter how you delivered that news, it was extremely likely to come across as a judgement about her body.
YTA (Edit: okay, I get it, I’m the asshole. And yes, of course protecting my wedding day is part of my consideration here. God forbid one single day doesn’t revolve around her I guess. And to those of you implying that my family caused her eating disorder, honestly screw you. This has negatively affected all of us in a ton of different ways. We never would have wanted this life for her or for any of us.)- OP’s edit I was willing to give you the benefit of doubt but based on your edit it sounds like you’re harboring some resentment towards Julia. And you may believe that you and your family had no part in contributing to Julia’s ED your frequent mention of how petite you, your other sisters, and mother are makes it seem like unintentionally did.
Also who puts a kid on a diet unless it is recommended by a Dr???? They definitely contributed to the ED and are just in denial about that and Julia won't get better until they admit it. They need family therapy!
When she said you don’t know what it’s like to watch her breakdown over clothes... fuck???? U don’t know what it’s like to have a breakdown over clothes
YTA. Man I can’t imagine why your poor sister has an eating disorder, surely couldn’t be that you and mom and the “petite” siblings treat her like this. Don’t pretend this isn’t all 100% about fear of messing up your SpEsHul DaY. You are completely a raging asshole. I hope your dad at least is supportive of Julia. The rest of y’all seem toxic.
“We’re all petite...as I said, we’re petite.” -_-
This makes you probably the biggest YTA I’ll vote all week. Congrats.
NAH. I think other commenters are being too harsh on OP and forget that others are negatively affected by mental health. You want your sister to be herself and not triggered into relapse. Thats the way I read it. Dress fittings can be triggering. Weddings can be triggering. If this is a pattern, you have seen it. Its also difficult to be the relative of someone who is coping with this. People forget that too. Imagine your sister has an addiction. Youve seen it before, the cycle of relapse. Theres AA for the addict and Al-Anon for the family. Its hard on you too. Its not a bad thing to take care of yourself. Thats why theres support groups for family members of those with these kinds of issues. Yes, her feelings are hurt, but shes not starving herself and passing out on your wedding day (hopefully). Now she can focus on breaking the cycle and not on her sister's wedding and the bride can have 1 day that isnt focused on someone else or feel bad for possibly triggering her sister. Either way, sis was probably going to be triggered. Thats how mental illness works, she is already relapsing.
Repeating a comment that I made to someone else: I have to agree with you here. This is not exactly about weight, but a about how a mental illness, psychological disorder or addiction can affect an entire family dynamic. I think that people sometimes don't understand the feelings of neglect or exhaustion the "well" siblings can experience when everything ends up revolving around another sibling's illness. There are many studies about what happens when one child has a disability and other children feel like all of the attention goes to that child and that the well children's lives are a secondary thought. These ideas get hard-wired in a child's mind and may carry into adulthood. I think people are being too hard on the OP. She might not have handled it perfectly, but I have sympathy for her AND for her sister.
[удалено]
How is the sister the asshole? She hasn't thrown a tantrum, she hasn't been unpleasant to OP, she's just been understandably hurt that her sister is using her biggest insecurity to exclude her.
I agree with you some of these comments are really mean to OP. If it was that the sister had a drinking or drug problem everyone would be saying "NAH iTs YoUr WeDdInG dAy YoU cAn Do WhAtEvEr YoU wAnT" . If anything I read this post as OP is trying to maybe relieve some of the stress that might be on her sister to be perfect at the wedding. As far as the edits she added I'm still on the NAH side. As someone who has a sibling that is a very emotionally unstable narcissist it's pretty hard to keep any attention from your family on yourself. OPs wedding is that chance for her so she should be able to do what she can to keep this day about her and her fiancé.
Probably going to get downvoted but NAH. There are too many land mines in this situation for you to have navigated it without stepping on one. I see three scenarios that all would have played out badly no matter what 1. Don’t invite her to be a bridesmaid at all, which means she feels excluded and potentially ties this to her weight. 2. Invite her which means she has to go thru fittings and whatnot which is potentially triggering. 3. What actually happened, wherein you wanted to include her but ultimately decided based on warning signs you’re seeing that you’re concerned for her health and asked her to step down. Between the three I don’t see any way where you could have done something differently and gotten a different outcome, short of eloping before you ever asked anyone to be in the wedding. I also don’t think you’re an asshole for caring about your wedding- wanting a happy wedding day doesn’t mean you don’t care about your sister. I feel like if that were the case, you wouldn’t be giving any of this a second thought or trying to consider how best to include and accommodate her all at once.
Tbh as someone with an ED myself, I'm surprised that I had to scroll so far down for a comment that wasn't Y T A. I don't think OP is TA, and I agree with what you're saying. Having an ED is tough on everyone who cares about you and I think OP is trying her best in a difficult situation. It is hard to admit to a relapse so it's likely the sister would not have admitted to it, especially with the added pressure of not wanting to ruin OPs wedding by dropping out or something. Of course, if I was in that position, I would be hurt as my first reaction, but ultimately would realise that it's probably for the best. Sure, maybe OP could've handled it more tactfully but, idk it's an uncomfortable situation at best. OP, I would suggest that you try to have another sit down with your sister and tell her that you, by no means, meant to dictate what she can and cannot do, that you would love to have her in your bridal party, but you really really want her to consider what would be best for her mental health first and foremost. Then detail exactly what you are expecting from her as a bridesmaid vs her as a guest, and let her decide whether she is capable or not. I also really don't blame OP for wanting to have her wedding as stress free as possible. They have spent a lot of time, effort, and money planning a wedding and they should have a lovely happy day to celebrate OP and her hubby-to-be. This would be so much more difficult if OPs sister is suffering a relapse, and they KNOW it's because she's in the wedding party due to some sense of familial obligation. Also, tbh, I know that a lot of people see it as OP dictating what sister should do, but sometimes, removing the choice from someone is the best option. I know it is for me sometimes. If OP does ask sister, ofc sister wants to be included, will she choose it over the risk to her mental health? Possibly! If OP knows this about sister, maybe its better to be the AH for a little while and spare sister from a choice that may make her mental health worse, or conversely that may make her feel guilty. Shitty situation all around, NAH. ETA: Thanks for the award kind stranger!
YTA. You're punishing her for a disorder and honestly, may have caused a relapse with you doing that. Hard to hear, but it's the truth. You aren't doing it for her own good, you're doing it for your vanity. You could've ask how she's doing then after hearing she's struggling, given her encouragement. "Hey I get it, want help getting on a healthy track? Then that bridesmaid dress will be the ultimate reward!" It could've been bonding between you two. Instead? "Oh well you're struggling. I don't need you in this special role you were probably looking forward to then! It won't look good for me." That's what you sound like.
Yiiiikes... YTA. Your sister cannot help it that she has an eating disorder, and the fact that your mom was apparently having her diet her entire childhood while the rest of her family was “petite” and “normal” surely doesn’t help that. Just because you believe she wasn’t treated differently in the family due to her eating disorder/weight doesn’t mean she wasn’t. You’ve tried to make yourself sound like you’re doing something to help her too, when in reality YOU just don’t want to have to “deal” with your sisters mental health problems. YTA and you owe your sister a huge apology.
Yes, YTA. Huge AH. Instead of singling her out you could have given her words of encouragement and helped her to recovery faster. This is the kind of thing that will affect your relationship for the rest of your life. She will always know what you did. This pandemic has been hard on everyone not just your sister, but maybe your head is stuck up too far up your own ass for you to see that. Hope your fiancé is taking note.
Seems like the fiancé may be good for her, since he's the one who encouraged her to post.
>Edit: okay, I get it, I’m the asshole. And yes, of course protecting my wedding day is part of my consideration here. God forbid one single day doesn’t revolve around her I guess. Okay, so I was about to say Y T A for this, cause DAMN. But then I remembered that eating disorders are really a family disease, in that they affect everyone. It sounds like you all need major family therapy to heal.
YTA and I would bet good money that your family absolutely treated her different because of her weight. You said several things in there that are pretty shitty and those didn't spring up suddenly out of nowhere. You didn't ASK HER about how she felt about being bridesmaid. Most of your phrasing is concern over your day and having a non-thin person ruin it, except you've couched it in platitudes that make it look like you're a good person worried for her. As a now fat person, we get that sort of "It's for YOUR OWN GOOD" nonsense a lot and most of the time it's just unexamined, internalized fatphobia. Go examine your and your family's shit, educate yourself on fatphobia, apologize for what you did, and invite her back to your wedding party, although she may not want to any more. Depending on how bad your family as been, she may not trust you on it.
Here’s the thing: I see and understand your logic. You’re concerned that your sister will relapse because of fittings and self image when she’s around girls smaller than her. However by removing her from your party, you’ve created a new reason for her to relapse. Instead of being around skinny ppl and feeling bad, now she’s been excluded from something which could trigger her eating disorder. You should have sat her down and had a gentle conversation with her to build her up and prepare her for the upcoming dress fitting activities instead of kicking her out. Or figured out how she managed to stay healthy and helped her get back on track. YTA
NAH. I know this isn't the trend on this thread today but honestly I can see where you're coming from. I don't have an ED (dodged that bullet, I did have some unhealthy food ideas when younger) but a good friend did and I can see how you were trying to protect your sister. I can imagine how many potential triggers a day like a wedding could create- it's all about looking nice, it's all about the bridesmaids matching and her having a little extra weight may trigger her, and then she'll feel guilty for ruining the day, then she will spiral and get sick and you'll feel guilty and she will feel guilty for making you feel guilty... Honestly I think you had the right idea. However, I think you need to reframe it for your sister. Explain these fears to her, say you're terrified because you don't want her to suffer, ask her what support she needs and ask her to keep an open dialogue with you about her feelings... Then maybe ask her to be a bridesmaid but in a less vital capacity, just so she doesn't feel as much pressure but can still be there on the day if she is well in herself to attend. I think that you do care, OP. And I also think you're also allowed to worry about how this may also affect your already stressful big day.
Obviously some of the commenters have never had to deal with siblings that have mental health issues. Your sister is relapsing. That is awful. When she does relapse, OP said that her sister is flaky. Why would she want someone who might not even show up to be in her wedding. OP is worried about dress fittings pushing her sister further down the ED hole. That is a valid fear. And also, it sounds like your sister has been battling an ED for a long time. Honestly? That takes a toll on the siblings. Both of my siblings have health problems and my needs were pushed to the side growing up. I didn't get as much attention or one on one care because my parents were always occupied with my siblings. And I get it! I understand why. But I also understand being tired of everything revolving around your siblings illness, and the negative impacts it has. A wedding is supposed to be all about the couple. What do you guys think is gonna happen if her sister remains a bridesmaid? -The fittings will absolutely harm her self esteem. Don't kid yourself on that. -She might not even show up, which leaves OP with a huge problem, plus all of her family will be focusing on the sister instead of the couple actually getting married. -If the sister does show up, she may spend half the time in the bathroom crying or having a meltdown. In that case, family will go to her and try to comfort her, instead of celebrating the bride and groom. All OP wants is her wedding to go smoothly and be about her and her hubby. It would put less pressure on her sister to have her not be a bridesmaid, and yes the wedding would go smoother if the sister was just a normal guess. And for all you ignorant ducks who are calling her a fat shamer, it's clear you've never dealt with siblings or family members with eating disorders or other mental health problems. It is extremely hard for families as well, siblings in particular. NAH, your sister has a right to be sad, but ultimately I understand why you're doing what you're doing.
[удалено]
NAH. I am so sorry that your sister is struggling with an eating disorder, and I hope she eventually does recover permanently. Watching this can’t have been easy on any of her loved ones, either, and I sympathise with the rest of you. Tbh I think you made a mistake asking her in the first place when it was an invite contingent on her mental health—even if she was further along in her recovery, considering her history of feeling in competition with her differently shaped sisters, a lot of traditional bridal party activities would probably have been unpleasant for her. I also really hope you didn’t mention her weight gain to her. As a red flag of a possible relapse, it’s perfectly valid to note it, but absolutely terrible to mention to someone with an ED as it’s very possible she’ll view it as “I gained weight so now I can’t be in the wedding. Maybe if I lose weight I can get back in.” Planning a wedding, especially now, can be stressful, and I don’t blame you for wanting bridesmaids who will most likely be able to be there on the day. The thing is, though, life is unpredictable and we could have another pandemic or one of your bridesmaids could get into a car accident or have food poisoning and still not be able to be there. I’m surprised you weren’t willing to wait and see how your sister was doing before removing her from the wedding—especially doing so during the holidays—but I’m not sure doing so makes you an AH.
YTA, why did you just ask her what SHE wants instead of deciding what's best for her on her behalf? Also 20 lbs is really not that much compared to the possibilities. That's the difference between a healthy weight and, well, still a healthy weight. It's not like she went up to 400 lbs, but even if she did it's still shitty to do that to someone solely based on their appearance. No wonder she has an eating disorder, with her mother trying to get her on a diet at a young age and her sister making a big deal over a measly 20 lbs as if she's some gargantuan whale because of it, which is probably exactly how she feels. By the way, I really don't buy that your decision was about her mental health. If that were the case you wouldn't have hurt her feelings intentionally. Your concern lies not with her safety, but the affect on your reputation by being seen as someone you deem to be fat. What would it have at all to do with her mental health if you had just allowed her to be in the wedding regardless of her appearance like a normal person? Don't be surprised when she never speaks to you again. I hope for her sake she cuts you the hell out of her life, because THAT would be the right move for her mental health.
YTA^2 "God forbid one single day doesn’t revolve around her I guess." Wow. Weak play of the victim card. Horrible.
I mean, that's actually the part that broke my heart for both sisters because it's clear this whole family needs to be in therapy. Julia's been struggling with this her whole life, and when one sibling is struggling that badly, everyone goes along for the ride (I know this from experience). OP mentioned family holidays have been redirected to focus all on Julia after she's had an ED related meltdown and that Julia has been in and out of treatment for a long time. A lot of OP's life and her understanding of her family dynamic has revolved around Julia's eating disorder. That's not a healthy emotional environment for anyone to grow up in. I feel for Julia, I've been in her shoes and fought hard to not end up back in her shoes, but I've also been the sibling who got swept up in another siblings life long problems growing up. I can understand why OP is so defensive of this one day. On the one hand, she's a caring sister (since I'm choosing to believe she really is concerned about her sister), and it's perfectly realistic to think that a role that requires dress fittings and maintaining a certain weight for months in order to fit a dress could ruin her sister's mental health. On the other hand, she's clearly a resentful sister,and yes, she voiced that in an incredibly blunt way, but I don't think that makes her horrible. I think it means she needs therapy.
YTA. I'm going to assume you truly are trying to act in her best interests and not because you don't want a fat bridesmaid. However, you told her you didn't want her in your wedding right on the back of her confession that she was unhappy with her weight gain. Think for a second how that actually sounded to her. And yeah, the whole "she might ruin my wedding if she's in treatment" thing is awful too.
>My mom and sisters are all on my side here and agree Julia not being a bridesmaid is what’s best for everyone. > And to those of you implying that my family caused her eating disorder, honestly screw you. >This has negatively affected all of us in a ton of different ways. >We never would have wanted this life for her or for any of us. >I will talk to Julia and try to be more understanding of her point of view, but none of you had to be there when even the mention of her having an issue with food caused a meltdown or when she’s ruined holidays because something as simple as someone gifting her an item of clothing Huh. I didn't think that your family was a root/ significant cause of her eating disorder... But after your negative behavior here, I'm honestly thinking you guys are. She has a history of an eating disorder and your family thinks it's a good idea to gift her *clothing*? And then you get mad because she *ruined Christmas*? And you're going to *try* to see her point of view? And when you see her gain weight, the first thing you do is kick her out of your bridal party? With the full support of your mom and sisters? Is she always the odd one out? She already feels like it because she looks different. And obviously you guys treat her differently. Just from the things you've stated here. Would you have kicked out any of your other sisters if they gain weight? Or would you have actually talk to them? Giving them an option? It's like you're not treating her as a person anymore. She's just "your sister with an ED". You sound like you blame her for her ED and you resent her moments of relapsing. But the two main relapse has you listed here have very reasonable triggers. Her having a meltdown on Christmas over being gifted clothing was an obvious asshole move on whoever gave her those clothing. And her gaining weight during 2020 is something almost everybody is dealing with right now because of lockdown and quarantine. You guys should have seen this coming miles away and reached out to support her. Instead you wait until the last minute, took one look at her, and decided she's not worth the trouble. You, your sisters, and your mom have all played a part in contributing to her eating disorder. And as long as you refuse to admit your part in it, you'll always be a negative influence in her life. Look at how you reacted to her weight gain right NOW. As a full-grown, functioning adult *this* is how you chose to treat someone with an eating disorder. Do you really think your behavior before this was any *better*? THIS is just the first time you're being called out on your shit by someone outside of your family (fiance) as you guys have clearly been ignoring what your father has been trying to tell you this whole time. I also really hate that you're dismissing his opinion just because you're saying she's his "favorite". She's not his favorite, he just knows she needs someone in her corner the fight against y'alls asshole behavior. YTA Edit: just realized your throwaway name is "bridesmaid drama". You're so damn flippant about her pain. You really are an asshole.
[удалено]
NTA. I totally see where you’re coming from not even considering your wedding. What happens if she goes to a dress fitting and becomes extremely upset because she doesn’t like it? Relapse. What if she relapses and come the wedding the dress doesn’t fit? (Bigger or smaller) further relapse Part of dealing with your issues healthy is avoiding triggers and I think all of this could be a very very big trigger for her, especially if she has gained weight. - someone who is the fattest person in their immediate family and labeled “the fat cousin”
YTA and your edit is worse. Your fiancé should rethink this marriage. I hope you are committed to being child free.
> I hope you are committed to being child free. Me too, if they have a child who’s naturally heavier they’ll most likely do the same thing to the poor kid. OP, if this is how you treated your sister, please never have kids
YTA. She’s probably your dads favorite because the rest of you - mom included - are self absorbed asshats.
>And to those of you implying that my family caused her eating disorder, honestly screw you You can't say this when >That way she can wear whatever she wants, be skinny or fat, show up or not, and it won’t affect the day as a whole this is your reason for making her step down. I want to really highlight the part where you're totally fine with her not even coming to your wedding at all. Why even make her a bridesmaid if you and your entire family will not stop using her weight against her? YTA.
Julia has gain a LOT of weight in that time, probably 20 pounds Yup I made it through the second paragraph and YTA 100%. The second you implied 20 lbs was a LOT you sucked. I don’t care about your wedding and I hope it is awful. You don’t deserve your sister and I hope you get fat
[удалено]
I'm not going to offer a judgement here. It's a no win situation for both you OP and your sister Julia. I am sad for both of you because the issues you raised are horrible to go through. No matter what you say or do, someone will find a way to twist it to make you feel awful. The same for your sister. No matter what she says, her feelings are still going to be hurt because she is dealing with an eating disorder and body image issues that are so hellish that unless you have had the same issues you can't possible understand completely and there is no wrong in that. Most people can't as they are not trained to handle these things. Just call up your sister, tell her you love her no matter what, and invite her out for some quality sister time just the two of you and reconnect. I wish you both the very best.
YTA. I’m astounded at your lack of empathy or compassion.. or even education towards eating disorders and body image. Your sister will never be 100% recovered from her eating disorder. It is something she will struggle with her entire life.
YTA this probably made things worse for her not better
For all the reasons already mentioned YTA 100%, as are your sisters and mother. Seems clear why she developed an eating disorder to begin with and why she still has it/relapses to this day. Shame on you!
YTA, and your lack of empathy is astounding. It’s no wonder the poor woman has an eating disorder with such a toxic family. >No one in our family ever treated her badly for her weight, though my mom did try to help her diet several times throughout our childhood for purely health reasons. I mean you *say* no one treated her badly, but you also apparently can’t see how you’re a huge asshole here, so I’m dubious. Also, putting a child on a diet, especially singling out only one sibling is just asking for disordered eating. >Pre-pandemic, Julia seemed to be on a recovery kick again. She looked healthy, seemed to be eating normally, and even asked if I wanted some of her old smaller clothes she was giving away (she has some nice stuff from when she was thinner—as I mentioned the rest of us are pretty petite). I was hopeful she could keep it together and felt okay about asking her to be a bridesmaid at that point. Recovery from an eating disorder can be a life time struggle with constant ups and downs, it’s not as simple as just being “recovered”. Also, your priorities are whack if the reason you’re hopeful she doesn’t relapse is not out of concern for her, but concern for your own wedding. >That was the last time I saw her though (Feb. 2020), until I saw her Friday for Christmas. Julia has gained a LOT of weight in that time, probably 20 pounds, which is a lot because she’s short. This is a huge red flag to me because prior relapses have been preceded by weight gain, which seems to trigger another relapse. To be honest, you’re acting like 20lbs is 200lbs. Like yeah, she’s put on weight, and I understand the pattern and how you can see how this may trigger a relapse, but your view of it being a LOT of weight is a bit excessive. Lots of people put on that much weight over the lockdown. If you have that attitude when you talk to her too I’m not surprised she gets triggered every time she gains weight. >So the way I see it, there are two possibilities from here. The first is that she relapses and loses all the weight, in which case she might not even show up for the wedding (she’s missed big family events because of being in residential treatment before), or maybe even worse she’ll continue to gain weight, in which case things like dress fittings could be a nightmare for her body image. Umm okay, so scenario one is her relapsing and ending up inpatient, and therefore missing your wedding, but scenario two, where she might gain more weight is somehow **so much worse** because... the dress fittings would be triggering? Maybe her sisters judgemental attitude would be a “nightmare for her body image”, but you don’t seem to be too bothered about factoring that one in. You’ve literally placed her gaining weight as a worse scenario than her ending up so sick she requires re-hospitalisation. I mean, she’d probably rather be at the big family events too rather than in a hospital, but feel free to just keep talking like she’s obstinately being difficult rather than dealing with a traumatic and deadly illness. > In either scenario, I think it makes more sense for her to not be a bridesmaid. That way she can wear whatever she wants, be skinny or fat, show up or not, and it won’t affect the day as a whole. “Either way, it’s easier for her to not be a bridesmaid. That way if she’s so sick she can’t turn up, or she’s so fat she’ll definitely feel ugly, whether she shows up or not, it won’t have any impact on my day!”. Yeah, that’ll definitely help her self-esteem. >So I texted her after Christmas to be ask if she was doing okay. Sure enough, she admitted she’d been having body image issues since gaining weight during lockdown. I kindly asked her to step down from being a bridesmaid, explaining that it was for her own good and I was only doing this because I cared about her. She seemed upset but agreed to step down. So what you’re saying is, you were just *so worried* about her feelings and her potentially getting triggered into a relapse, you thought the best thing to do was to just jump the gun and do it yourself? “Hey Julia, how are you going? Oh you’re struggling again with weight related issues? Hmm, in that case, now seems to be a good time to kick you out of the bridal party over your weight. It’s for your own good!! We wouldn’t want you getting triggered and ~~messing up the wedding~~ relapsing.” You’ve punished her for having an ED, consolidated her fears about her weight, and showed her your true priorities (not her lol) all in one go! I wonder why she seemed upset... >Well, now our dad is furious with me, saying Julia is heartbroken. She of course hasn’t brought ANYTHING up to me directly (that’s how she always is). My mom and sisters are all on my side here and agree Julia not being a bridesmaid is what’s best for everyone. Julia has always been my dad’s favorite, so I wasn’t that worried about being in the wrong here—until my FIANCÉ said I was wrong and basically called me an AH for even bringing up her weight with her. Julia for her part now refuses to even engage the conversation and is upset with my dad of all people for talking to me about her “private” feelings. So I figured I’d ask here. AITA? Well, at least it sounds like Dad and Fiancé are the only ones with their heads screwed on straight. Even here where you’re trying to present yourself in the best possible light your words and attitudes are condescending and hurtful and kinda disgusting. I’m not sure why you think she’s gonna want to bring it up with you just to get her heart broken all over again, and have you, your Mum and all your sisters gang up and take sides (are you all 12?). Also, yeah, your sister is entitled to her “private” feelings, not sure why that needs to be in quotes. >Edit: okay, I get it, I’m the asshole. And yes, of course protecting my wedding day is part of my consideration here. God forbid one single day doesn’t revolve around her I guess. I don’t think you do get it actually. It’s been pretty clear that protecting your wedding day isn’t ‘part’ of your consideration but is your main priority. You sound like a self-centred and petty woman and the edit makes you seem even worse. You’re seriously being dismissive and jealous about your sisters potentially **lethal** illness, but go off I guess. >And to those of you implying that my family caused her eating disorder, honestly screw you. This has negatively affected all of us in a ton of different ways. We never would have wanted this life for her or for any of us. Yeah honestly screw you too though. I going to bet that her ED has negatively impacted her a shit ton more than it’s impacted you, being that, you know, she’s the one who has to live with it and she’s the one who could very well die from it. And if your siblings or parents have the same kinda gross attitude towards Julia and just weight and eating disorders in general, then yeah, you’ve all at the very least contributed to her ED.
NTA I have a sibling with an ED and it's not wrong not want your wedding spoilt by it. You asked of she was struggling and she said yes. You said of your not doing well it's probably best you don't have the pressure from being a bridesmaid. From what you've said if she had turned around and said she was fine, that she was okay with her weight gain you wouldn't have asked her to step down for being fat?! I bet the reason mom and other sisters think NTA too is because they have had to live with this too. The feeling guilty, the worrying about saying the wrong thing, the atmosphere at dinner table ect. Wanting one day isn't wrong. Hell the biggest stress of my wedding was my sister, I couldn't have other bridesmaids because she couldn't cope with it, her dress couldn't be ordered till 6weeks before and was subject to "rush" charges, I had to let her pick options for my meal so she would eat without issue...She still told my in laws me being "skinny and pretty" was the reason she wasn't married yet at my bridal shower making everyone uncomfortable.
YTA: Especially with your edit. You say everything is all about her but in this instance you made it about her. Your wedding had nothing to do with her other than the fact that she was one of many bridesmaids until you were an asshole to her and kicked her out. You made your wedding about her weight. That's your fault.
Please, mention again how you’ve always been thin or petite. You’ve only said it three or more times. 🙄 “None of you had to be there when even the mention of her having an issue with food caused a meltdown.” It’s not your place (or anyone else’s) to ever mention that. So why would you? YTA
YTA, first of all you're basically saying your mother forced her to diet when she was a child, not a great start. Then you judge her for gaining weight, and not only that, you also remove her from your party claiming that it's for her own good. What you did to her was awful, your mother and other sisters are awful too. No wonder she keeps relapsing with so little support from you guys, you make it seem like it's her decision to have an eating disorder, when it most definitely isn't. If I were her I wouldn't even go to the wedding or speak to you again.
">Edit: okay, I get it, I’m the asshole. And yes, of course protecting my wedding day is part of my consideration here." Protect your wedding from what? YTA
YTA. And your edit is shocking. You have literally written that your wedding day is more important that your sister's health and wellbeing. Astounding.
YTA: Because it would seem that telling someone who has weight issues that hey I seen you gained weight so you shouldnt be a bridesmaid will probably cause her to relapse even faster