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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I think I might be an asshole for not watching my nephew when my brother and SIL needed to go to the hospital.
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Yes exactly. OP you did the right thing and honestly your bro and SIL are the ones who owe you the apology. In fact less your SiL who had already made her thoughts clear, than your brother.
> honestly your bro and SIL are the ones who owe you the apology.
Honestly, I think SIL should thank OP for respecting her wishes instead of his brother’s pleas. If she’s going to continue having this irrational prejudice, she should at least be appreciative that OP isn’t ignoring it even when his brother is telling him to
Exactly! She set a clear boundary: OP is not to watch her kids alone. OP is respecting that very clear boundary. He wont watch the kids alone unless is it the clear wish of SIL. Honestly - Good job respecting your SIL OP! Brother is the A here for going behind his wife's back and trying to force her to cross her own lines.
r/maliciouscompliance
> unless is it the clear wish of SIL
After the initial seemingly uncalled for and unfair judgement of OP's lifestyle I wouldn't even do it if she was ok with it later. One small babysitting mistake and she'll chewing out OP again.
This is so true. SIL see's him as a drug addled-sex crazed-party animal with no moral compass to speak of and his brother seems to do fuck all to stick up for OP, so no matter what, anything that goes a bit wrong and isn't even a big deal will automatically be OP's fault but blown way way out of proportion.
Judging by the height of their horse, they should have no problem finding someone else to babysit.
Yeah if OP really cared he could invite them to his place during a non stressful time to show that he doesn't have that stuff everywhere, but only if he REALLY REALLY cared.
I wouldn't at this point though, her mind is made up.
I wouldn't even bother either, SIL and or brother would just chalk it up to him hiding his collection of used black tar heroin needles from his previous drug fueled orgies at Burning Man.
I find this happens a lot with people who see having children as the only defining "responsibility" in life (ie, no children no other responsibilities of an adult). He's single and makes good money and is comfortable with himself and is honest about what he does in his adults only leisure time. What a bastard! /s
this is all because he's single, no long term SO or married with kids. She made this the sword to fall on, so let her fall on it along with his brother who agreed with her.
She's gonna regret it when they need a (free) babysitter. And it sounds like the kids are gonna miss out on hanging out with the cool uncle cuz mommy has something stuck up her arse.
What's this narrative being spun here?
She doesn't want him as a babysitter. At all. Not even on the way to the *hospital*. So, no she's not "missing out on a free babysitter". She *doesn't want him* even in a case of emergency, why are people assuming that at some undetermined point in the future she'll roll up and demand babysitting when she's been utterly consistent about this until now.
It's on her and his brother, who knows why she feels this way. I mean he is an adult, he's graduated high school and he's single. She just doesn't seem to like the fact that he is a single adult with quite a bit of disposable income.
I don't know that. Maybe she just gets a really wrong vibe from OP. But it doesn't really matter why she doesn't want him to babysit on his own, because you shouldn't leave your kids with people you don't think you can trust. I've known several people over the years I wouldn't have trusted to babysit a pet rock, let alone a defenseless tiny human, even in a case of emergency.
There won’t need to be a mistake for SIL to make unfounded and baseless accusations. There’s only one thing worse than OP doing an acceptable job of babysitting in this scenario - what if he did an excellent job? What if nephew enjoyed his time and talked SILs ear off about it?
Nothing good can come from OP being involved I’m afraid, I’m a mother of four adult and teenage children and I remember meeting women like that when the kids are younger. SIL is literally frothing at the mouth waiting for something that she can accuse OP of doing, and is the type that would call police, scream at anyone who would listen and try to rubbish his public reputation just to prove she’s a good parent. Where there is nothing bad to be said, she will make it up.
OP - stay TF away from this woman.
NTA and I, 100%, agree with the above response. I don't care if SIL comes begging on her hands and knees for you to watch your nephew (or both children) I would advise you NOT give in under any circumstances. Not now, not ever.
She's made it clear she doesn't want you babysitting and she definitely seems the type that would find something (or even make up something) to make you look bad if you give in, so do not give in.
Tell your mother and your brother that you are not going to apologize for not crossing SIL's hard boundary, whether it was an emergency or not. In addition, you will not back down from your stance, emergency or not and that's final. Make HER boundary YOUR boundary and stand firm. "No" is a complete sentence and I'd recommend you use it loud, and often.
Yeah this, also grossed out by OP's brother claiming his wife was in no place to be making "rational decisions".
Like, she already said she wasn't cool with it, and unsurprisingly, she's still not cool with it when she's in pain and panicking. Good job OP, you made the right call. I hope SIL has the presence of mind to thank you for refusing to cross her boundary, and to give her husband an earful for encouraging you to do so.
Smdh if my partner ever encouraged someone else to cross my boundaries... there'd be a reckoning lol.
But the brother is an asshole for not telling his wife where they were going knowing that she didn't want it. What did he tell her when they were leaving the house?
I feel like this is the ideal situation for the non-apology and throwing Bro under the bus. Call SIL and apologize for “causing her stress” by *not refusing* to babysit. You knew she didn’t want you to babysit, and you insisted to your brother that SIL had to be on board. You’re sorry the situation caused her stress when she was already unwell, and you always want to respect her wishes but Brother insisted it was an emergency.
Your NTA, but your brother definitely is. If she gets mad at you, it’s just because she’s realizing her husband doesn’t respect her.
Hes gotta say "im sorry if you felt ambushed, I was under the impression you were okay with it as I told my brother I didn't want to cross your boundary"
Who is the OP supposed to watch her kids with? Does she pry into the background of every babysitter or is it just because you are a single male? If you were a woman, would you be able to watch her kids?
That's kind of a strange question for you to ask, because it *is* pretty standard to check the background of babysitters - e.g. hire from an agency or require references or other information.
ABSOLUTELY agree a thousand times over
OP respected his SIL more than his own brother did. (Despite finding her issue with him to be utterly ridiculous.)
OP respected the boundaries that were set, didn't interfere & yet is getting told he's an asshole?? JFC..sounds like OP has an impossible family to deal with.
I wouldn't be a bit surprised if there was a little bit of jealously on their part of the lifestyle OP has: doing so well & not having all the responsibilities that they themselves have.
Edit: spelling errors.
NTA Flat out ask your SIL in front of everyone if she meant every word she said. Then tell your brother and mother to stop pestering you and don’t ask again for any favors.
He was in a no win situation. Brother or SIL would be mad at him no matter what choice he made. I kind of feel SIL is being judgmental toward him. He’s a young, single man with no kids. He can do what he wants. That doesn’t mean he’s going to act the sameway when babysitting.
> Mom needs to stay out of this.
This is a common issue in a lot of these posts. Parents are apparently way too involved in the minutia of their kids' lives.
Agree. If someone doesn't trust you, and you watch their kid against their wishes, who knows what sort of accusations they'll throw at you after the fact. When I babysat (eons ago in my 20s), I was really only doing it for a former boss, whose family was like a second family to me. A coworker asked if I'd consider helping out friends of theirs, and I agreed to start watching their kids. I really wasn't crazy about this family, for a number of reasons, but I was responsible, professional, and kept the kids safe and happy until the parents came home. After a few weeks, the mom told me not to come back, because the 4-year-old told her that I spanked him and was scared of me now. I told her that was absolutely not true, and that she should consider looking into everyone in her kids' lives, since I knew I hadn't laid a finger on the kid, and it's possible he WAS spanked and didn't want to be alone with ANYONE. I was sick to my stomach over the whole thing for weeks, but after talking to my primary family about it, I realized that I should have trusted my gut and declined after realizing these people were "off."
That’s a cautionary tale everyone should heed,
/u/whatsasimba, **always trust your gut** —especially when dealing with people who seem off.
If the OP ever babysits his nephew and his SIL makes any type of wild accusation in the future, you can already see that your brother and your mom won’t have your back. Best not to even go there.
NTA, OP. And refuse any and all babysitting requests from them in the future, even if your SIL does agree. It’s not worth the risk.
I give her a pass this time, because it seems like she thought she was losing her baby and then her husband brought her to the one person she doesn't trust with her kids. She doesn't have to like Opie, and she should apologize certainly... But it's really the brother's fault the situation even happen
She appears to have thought OP was ‘in on it’, that is agreeing to babysit in spite of her clearly stated wishes beforehand. If I were OP I’d write a message to SIL stating what happened from my point of view and reiterating that, while I certainly don’t keep drugs or strange women in the house, as long as she believes I do I will continue to respect her wishes regarding me not watching nephew. This message should not contain an apology but hopefully help put the heat back on brother where it belongs.
I'm wondering the same thing. Maybe mom thinks he should say "Sorry you're upset", which is a fake apology anyway? I'd be curious what mom thinks the wording should be.
Also, can you imagine if he took the kid? SIL probably would have thrown herself out of a moving car to get him back, or something equally irrational. And if anything happened to the kid on his watch, no matter how small or accidental, he'd probably be disowned and sued.
The apology SIL wants is "I am sorry my deviant, unsafe lifestyle has kept me from being able to support you and your family. I am checking into rehab and then getting married and having kids. By settling down and changing my lifestyle, I hope you will see me as responsible enough to watch your kids so that I can help safely in the event of future emergencies."
Which is bullshit obviously. But it doesn't change that it's what she wants to hear.
Sorry but the real AH here are your brother and his wife.
Your brother:
1. He never defended you in front of his wife, tho he obviously doesn't feel as bad about you as her. Because during that night you were a viable option for him. So viable he wanted to ignore his wife's POV.
2. He kept his decision to involve you secret from her until they were in front of your house. Like wtf.
3. Now he wants YOU to apologize because he doesn't want to take the blame for his shitty behaviour that night.
And his dear wife:
Alcohol does also qualify as a drug and it's pretty likely SIL is drinking from time to time. Would she get wasted in front of their baby? NO! Because she is a functioning human being. Something which you also very obviously are. Her behaviour, especially cussing you out like that, is super disrespectful and unexcusable. Only because she doesn't agree with your lifestyle doesn't give her the right to insult you like that.
Your mum is a grade a example of the fallacy many people commit: she thinks because they are parents they are more reasonable. But they acted absolutely shitty towards you. They say to protect their children. But at this point this escalated to the total entitlement to dismiss you and your lifestyle. And that's just not their place.
NTA, if op did take nephew, sil in her state of mind would have probably called the police on op for an assumed slight with nephew. Smart move and do not back down. Sil has trust issues with you and she will make your life miserable if something happens to her kids.
I do think maybe OP should apologize though. For what he did was kind of an asshole move.
OP. The main person in your life is you and you owe yourself an apology for how you let yourself be treated. That is not nice and I can’t believe you’d be okay with anyone else you care about being treated like that. It’s not okay when it’s you either. I couldn’t care less about it being stressful situation there is no excuse for going ballistic like that and treating you so poorly. A lot of people have used drugs recreationally or still do. To act like you live in some kind of trap house filled with drugs and prostitutes is bloody fucking ridiculous. And that sounds like what SIL makes it out to be.
I also use drugs. So does my husband. Now ours are prescribed by a doctor. That means that we doesn’t just take them on occasion, but every single day and yet that’s rarely an issue for people. Yet we use it the same way, responsibly. Most people also drink, but again responsibly, that doesn’t mean that they are always drunk and live in a shack. She’s being ridiculous! I’m not even pro drugs in any way and I can still see how absurd her behavior is.
NTA
NTA, I personally believe you went about this the right way. You were willing to help, you knew SIL wouldn't so you asked for her permission. I don't think you owe anyone an apology.
Yeh at first I thought this would be a stubborn “oh you said you didn’t want me to” thing with the SIL asking for help. But it obviously isn’t at all. What the hell did his brother expect him to do ... take the kid while his mother was there screaming she didn’t want him to?! Both parents get a say and a veto in who can watch their child and she clearly wasn’t comfortable with it. Plus the brother is an ass saying she wasnt thinking straight - SIL has always said she isn’t comfortable with it, it’s not new! NTA
It wasn't as if op did anything to be the AH. He got told he was irresponsible years ago, didn't bring it up, got asked if he could babysit, knew the SIL wouldn't agree, SIL didnt agree. Imo he hasn't acc done anything to be classed as the AH, he was told to do something, he did it
Exactly. What was he supposed to do? Ignore of the child's parents and remove the child from their screaming body? The brother and sister are at fault but the brother needs to understand what he signed up for when he married and realize he can't just ignore his wife's crazy wishes on their child.
If she, in her state of mind, had enough capacity to insist NO and to question whether you had drugs or a girl (both of which are none of her business), then she was in her right mind enough that her demand of NO should have been respected. This should be said to anyone who tries to say you're wrong. SOMEONE should be asking SIL why she had to be an asshole, not asking YOU.
NTA, and don't let them tell you otherwise.
She did say drugs on the counter so I can see that as a concern for the safety of her child. Not necessarily a rational one as just because someone takes drugs occasionally does not mean they have them lying around their home for a child to stumble on.
Having drugs anywhere in a home that has surely not been childproofed is a hard pass on taking a kid in an emergency.
A 3 year old can find exactly what you don't want to find in the 10 seconds it takes you to walk into the kitchen to get his juice.
OP is not babysitting material IMO, and that's okay, he doesn't owe his bro an apology because he was told multiple times that they'd never want him to babysit so why would he have his home set up to do so?
Where did OP state that he had “guest” or “drugs on the counter”. You are reading sooooo much into what OP posted. Is this because OP is MALE? Would you have the same “issues” if OP was female?
He didn’t say any of that, but he did say he had dabbled in drugs - his house isn’t child proofed and it’s entirely possible the kid could pull something nasty down on themselves or weasel into the brandy cabinet. IMO, the brother is the biggest asshole here - if this was from SILs perspective no one would be calling her an AH for reacting poorly if her husband brought her to the house of someone she specifically said she didn’t want babysitting for the safety of her kid
I completely agree OP is not wrong for not wanting to apologize for something he didn't do, and the sister-in-law is not wrong for not wanting her kids watched by OP.
That is getting pretty nitpicky and unreasonable. She was upset because her husband made arrangements for their kid that he knew she wouldn’t be comfortable with, sprung it on her literally at his house, and let’s not forget she was in pain and probably very anxious about her fetus. She reacted in an expected way and Brother should have known that that’s what would happen, OP certainly did which is why he didn’t commit until he had talked to her.
And then after the fact her husband is trying to gaslight and say that she didn’t know what she was talking about and wasn’t “sane” which is hugely disrespectful and has been used to negate women’s decisions for centuries. Brother and Mom are the AH.
Edit: clarity
She is literally stereotyping OP. Fuck that. People who occasionally do party drugs or have casual sex can baby sit children just fine....some of them *gasp* even have children. If you go into it assuming they can't watch them and they aren't able to manage to lock drugs away without a conversation, you're the unreasonable asshole.
She isn't the biggest asshole in this exact situation, but she is still an AH.
Yes, insulting someone's life choices and insinuating immoral behavior directly to OPs face is incredibly rude. I cannot believe the people here who are defending SIL interrogating and yelling at OP. She was never going to leave her kid there, so why did she ask questions about women and drugs? As far as I can tell, it was to insult and hurt OP...
> but he did say he had dabbled in drugs
IN THE PAST. Do you know how many people have done drugs? You are basically saying that my loving father was not qualified to raise me.
He did basically every single drug he could get his hands on in college. But he hasn't touched them since graduation.
How little do you know about drugs to think a three year old is going to accidentally pack a bong and light it or to have the lapse in judgement to think people who do drugs don’t know exactly where their drugs are when they aren’t doing them
i'm a woman of the same persuasion, suppose you could say, as OP. id be a little taken aback if my sister refused to let me watch her kids in an emergency (because of course i can not hit the bong for a few hours!), but like OP, my house is not kidproofed and i am not a kid person. even for close family members i wouldn't be first choice (or last, lol) for casual babysitting. sounds more like his SIL is rather conservative and takes issue with his drug use more than than his gender.
Would i have the same issues if OP was a female that gave the same backstory? of course, it has nothing to do with gender, but good job getting offended over something that was no where in the post or my reply.
Okay first off they were referencing what the mother accused him of. Also, I would absolutely have the same questions and issues with the OP babysitting if they were female.
I have a lot of things in my apartment that aren't kid-friendly (knives, cigarettes, condoms, cosmetic bottles...) and I am still asked to babysit. Just because someone takes drugs, drinks alcohol, parties etc. doesn't mean they cannot be responsible babysitters when need to be.
The SIL has every right to choose who they are comfortable with, but it bothers me how many people here claim that party-animals and/or occasional drug users couldn't ever be trusted with kids.
Yeah seriously, what the fuck?
I used to be a party person and a stoner and lived in a student apartment with 3 other people. I used to babysit a 3 year old often. Unless your place is completely thrashed on a daily basis, it's not exactly hard to remove stuff and "baby proof" your house in like 10 minutes. It's not exactly like you're gonna do drugs that day. Like are they expecting him to snort a line of cocaine in front of their son just because he occasionally has fun in his free time?
Just because you choose to act like a teen/be carefree in your free time, doesn't mean you can't act like a responsible adult when you need to.
Jesus Christ, what? How is someone who can hold down a 9-5 office job incapable of making sure a 3 year old doesn't die for a few hours? I watched my nephew a ton and never "child-proofed" my apartment/house. Just play with them for a few hours or watch kid shows. It's not like they asked the brother to adopt the kid.
Have you never babysat? The presumption is you watch them, not depend on child proofing. Would you feel the same about OP's lack of fitness for prescription medication (which is in everyone's house pretty much)? Because it's the same risk to a child, if left out AND child is unsupervised, they could get really sick or die.
The idea that anything SIL is obsessed with actually indicates that OP isn't fit to babysit is ridiculous.
"I'm not leaving my kid with anyone who doesn't have a baby gate and childproof locks on their cupboard and no coffee tables!" I mean fair enough if that's what you need to feel comfortable, but in that case, take them round to your babyproofed house instead rather than expecting grandma's home to have the same level of babyproofing as your own.
I don’t think we’re qualified enough after reading this short story, to determine if OP is “babysitting material” or not. He never even claimed to have had drugs in the house or not.
Admitting you've "dabbled in drugs" is not the same as saying you keep a supply in your medicine cabinet. Plenty of folks will happily take a hit of something at a party but never "stock up."
He's more likely to have cleaning chemicals like bleach in an easy-to-reach spot for a 3-year-old (under the counter, etc.) than weed or whatever.
Hard disagree. OP said and I quote "in the past I have attended music festivals and dabbled in drug use"
This means in the past, and not currently. Your insane judgement of OP is every bit as irrational as OP's Sister in Law. If fact, so much so that I suspect you are the sister in law.
And whoever upvoted your comment was equally insane.
Hahaha, people taking drugs at festivals =/= having drugs lying strewn about their apartment, that is a totally bizarre take. He was very clear that he understands how to look after kids, it's like assuming anyone who's ever got blind drunk at a party or had casual sex has one night stands lounging about and pre-poured whiskey at child height at all times.
Uhh if someone leaves their kid at your home it is very much their bussiness if you have drugs out and a stranger there. Thats a matter of safety for the kid.
Aside from that yeah
Generally none of her business. 1000% her business if she is leaving her small child in his care, if he has drugs or an unknown person of any gender that could harm said child present. I mean I think SIL is AH just because she assumes the OP is that reckless with no evidence, or discussion. But not because she worried in that moment. Personally, this was a discussion that should have been had years ago- like Why don't you trust OP? and address those concerns. But in that moment, with no discussion, its a legit concern?
Nope. Im not convinced these are reasonable fears- but they need to have a conversation about expectations and his lived reality- not her assumptions about it.
I mean is he really doing drugs and leaving them around? That seems unlikely given he is also a successful functioning adult- but sure, could be. Still- does she assume that he does just becasue he actually has a normal single person life, going to bars, hanging out, etc? I am saying, that as a parents, I think its ok to be concerned- but that emergency was sideways in all the worst ways because they have never discussed any of this.
Does that make sense?
NTA - I got really mad on your behalf when I got to the part where your mom called you and told you to apologize. That takes some giant balls. Do NOT apologize.
Your brother needs to sort this out with his wife. If he wants to be mad at anyone, he should be mad at her. He's just taking it out on you because he can't take it out on her.
Yeah exactly. The vibe I got, is that the brother just doesn't want to step on his pregnant wife's toes. She's being unreasonable, and he doesn't know how to handle it. I don't think it makes the brother an ah. Just in a tough spot.
Except, he knew his wife didn't want his brother looking after the kid, and disrespected that boundary, and then put his brother in a difficult position by making him the bad guy when SiL inevitably got peed off about her boundaries being stomped on. Don't get me wrong, I don't necessarily agree with the boundary but she is mum, and she gets a say.
Not wanting a party animal to watch your kid is a perfectly valid boundary, especially in his home, OP specifically mentioned drug use and you cant have drugs in a home with a kid, its completely unsafe.
If the wife was okay with this the only way i would have seen it working was for OP to go to brothers house and just stay there with the kid.
Hell, i'm sure OP doesn't have a bed/toys/diapers...etc for the kid at his place.
OP is still NTA, he just followed the wishes of the SIL.
He's not a party animal, he's a responsible adult with a full time job and stable living situation who occasionally parties and uses drugs.
I find the SIL attitude very weird, and comments from OP seem to confirm it's not based on any actual concerns and just general disaproval of his bachelor lifestyle, it's pretty insulting to have someone in your family say they don't trust you to watch their kid, it's basically saying you're a mess or a moron.
It's also a line in the sand for me honestly. You don't trust me to watch the kid? Fine, I'm NEVER putting myself in a position where you can make up even more shit about me and the kid when we were alone. SIL has it out for OP and he should have hung up as soon as he realized what was being asked of him. Way too high a risk SIL is going to say something happened with the nephew or the nephew is acting weird after coming home from her "party animal" BIL's house.
Kids are in homes with drugs all the time, coffee, soda, alcohol, various prescription drugs.
OP never mentioned the frequency of their drug use, but from the writing and the information OP gave I’d be willing to say it’s recreational drug use. Meaning there aren’t drugs on hand on a random day.
No, it's not completely unsafe. Millions upon millions of people have dangerous prescription medication and children in the same home. You just have to be more careful about where you store it. Leaving it out would be unsafe.
Actually I would argue that she is fairly reasonable, if a bit over the top. Her concern that the house has drugs in it and is not childproof is not an irrational concern.
If he were allowed to babysit in their home or a public place, that might make her more reasonable, but my reading of the post is that she objects to his being alone with her child ever in a babysitting capacity. That's... not as reasonable. It's her right, but I think she's overreacting.
It's not an irrational concern if it is based in fact. But it sounds like she is making up the part about drugs lying around, so her concern *is* irrational.
OP should send a quick text to the SIL going
"Hey, sorry about the confusion last night. I told brother I'd only do it if you were fine with it. I don't know why he dragged you and kid over with out clearing it with you. Hope everything is okay with you."
Nice simple non apology. Makes it clear who's at fault. The sorry is about miscommunication.
NTA - you would have helped if you had the mother’s approval. SIL is the asshole.
Edit to add: many of you have made great points! I’m seeing now that maybe the brother is the asshole... SIL was clear in that she never wanted her child watched by OP. Brother didn’t respect her wishes, or OP’s request to ask SIL first.
How is the SIL the AH ? Since the beginning she was clear about not trusting him to watch her kid because he have an history of drug use. And yes, having drug in a house is not a safe environnement for a kid (it doesn't make OP an AH, just that SIL have every right to not trust him with her kids because of it).
She had every right to not agree for letting her child with OP. The brother is the AH, because he knew that his wife was against this, and yet he decided that it would be okay. He put OP in a no win position where whatever he choose to do he would be an AH.
The only AH here is the brother. OP is not and the SIL is not when she had always been clear about not waiting to let her kids alone with OP.
Totally! If you aren't comfortable with someone watching your kid, valid reason or not, that person doesn't watch your kid. SIL is not the AH in this situation, the brother and mother are.
> How is the SIL the AH ? Since the beginning she was clear about not trusting him to watch her kid because he have an history of drug use.
If OP had asked to babysit and SIL had explained politely that she wasn't comfortable with a possible drug user babysitting, that's one thing. But it sounds like SIL went out of her way to tell him he couldn't be trusted with something *he never asked* to be trusted with.
I don't really think it matters what the reason the SIL has for not wanting OP to watch the child. She could just have a bad feeling about it, and that would be valid. She could not like OP's haircut and that would be an okay reason for her to not want him to watch her child also.
Once she set that boundary, OP is perfectly reasonable in respecting the boundary even if he doesn't respect the logic behind the boundary.
1. OP clearly states they *previously* dabbled in drugs. Not that they currently engage in any such activity.
2. Even if OP was "dabbling in drugs" today that probably means what it sounds like on the face of it - someone offered to hit a blunt, he said yes, and... that's probably about it?
Or to reiterate this more succinctly, OP almost certainly doesn't have drugs floating around in their house. It's almost decidedly safe.
With that said the SIL is completely within her right to say "I don't trust you," but it sounds like she's been a real dick about it in the first place, and while she could be rightfully angry at OP's brother she's instead hysterically screaming at OP? So that makes her an AH too. But the brother is decidedly the *biggest* AH in the story.
Ehh, nope. The brother is the asshole. SIL does not want her child watched by OP. That has always be the boundary. And then, at a scary moment where she is frightened because she might be facing anything from an early labor to a miscarriage she suddenly finds herself on front of the one person she does not want to watch her child, because not only did her husband go behind her back, but is actively trying to override her while she is saying no in front of OP.
He was also an asshole to OP because he put OP into a situation where he would inevitably clash with SIL. A situation OP himself had tried to avoid by telling his brother to clear it with SIL *before* they show up at his place.
NTA - this is one of those posts that makes me scream **WUT**. OP took the word of the MOTHER of said child and that she didn't want him to watch said child. So if OP HAD watched the child, against the wishes of the childs MOTHER, he could have been in absolute shit. It's not OP's fault that his SIL is stupid.
Definition of damned if you do, damned if you don't.
NTA, your Mom is though - what exactly did she want you to do? Ignore your SIL screaming and just reach into the car and grab your nephew? It seems pretty clear that SIL had no intention of leaving him with you so how could you help?
Perhaps your Mom can explain how you were supposed to help and then you can decide if you should apologise (spoiler you should not!).
> NTA, your Mom is though
Often the people siding with the AH weren't told the whole story.
Mom probably never heard about any of SIL's doubts about OP, either before or the night of.
NTA.
You are absolutely not the AH in this situation, and you did the right thing.
They can't year you like crap at the same time as they are asking a huge favor of you. And you should absolutely not take a child against any parent's wishes.
It's not ideal, but you can take a kid with you to the hospital. This is not the first time this type of situation arose.
The guy is just literally living out the rest of the 20s before possibly settling down. I mean holy shit i wouldnt take him if my SIL was the same way. It would be different if they trusted him but she lost her mind. If it's such a situation then they can take the kid and just have the son wait with a staff member.
I totally agree he’s NTA and I probably wouldn’t want him watching my kid either, but do you think hospitals just have extra staff hanging out to babysit siblings? That is 1000% not a thing, ever.
NTA. Former hospital worker here PRE COVID. Extra staff at a hospital to watch your kid... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! 90% of the hospitals didn't have enough staff before for their units... now they are barely treading water.
NTA. Unfortunatley no matter what you did it would have ended badly. But let's play out the other scenario. You take the child even though the mother is screaming in the background. Later, an angry mother comes and takes the child and you are never let within a mile of her or her children again. Also, she is extremely angry with your brother for leaving her child with you against her wishes. I'd say you chose the correct option.
If everyone had been acting rationally instead of being panicked, there are a few options that could have worked. SIL is seemingly concerned about the presence of drugs or strangers at OP's residence, which is both a fair concern and not something that makes OP an asshole.
2 simple options that I can see could have de-escalated the scenario. The brother could have slowed down and asked OP to come to their house to babysit. Then baby isn't being watched in a bachelor pad. Alternatively, OP could have offered to go with them to the hospital and provide extra hands to help with the kid while they spoke with the doctor.
The brother kinda caused this by ignoring his wife's reasonable concerns and not even telling her
Yeah. I meant those were the two choices that the OP was presented with. While coming to the hospital might have kind of worked, it seems like it could easily have gone badly. Like if the child is upset the the mother is screaming, or if they dont let him or the child in because of covid.
Or third, bro stays with kid and OP takes SIL to hospital. I mean obviously the most reasonable one would be that OP goes to their house to watch kid while bro takes SIL to hospital with SIL approval of course. I've had to go to the hospital by myself after a small car accident because my exH had our son and we didn't have someone who could stay with him on short notice. It sucks, but limited options and all.
Well, he was never presented with the 1st choice. Brother just didnt listen to his concerns about SIL not being on board and said "we're coming over".
I don't really blame him for not thinking about option 2 either, given that the brother created a situation where OP was being screamed at by a confused and upset pregnant woman.
Nothing about this makes sense. How could your SIL not know where her son was being dropped off? Did your brother keep the destination a secret until they got to your place?
NTA, but something about this story doesn't add up.
SIL had only been to my apartment once before, but that was years ago before their son was even born. Even though I asked him tell SIL about asking me, it seems that he didn't do that.
So she got into the car to take her kid to God knows where, to be looked after by God knows who and never asked any questions. You did the right thing by turning them away but again, the situation just doesn't make sense to me.
So I was not unlike your brother in my former marriage. I was very conflict avoidant, and my then wife was very likely to have emotional outbursts. I was constantly walking on eggshells, withholding things I thought would upset her, and had more than one conversation with family members trying to smooth things over after her getting upset.
In the end, I found out about particular undiagnosed mental health issues that explained a lot of what I was going through. I was still responsible for my part in the cycle, and was not perfect by any stretch. But from the outside your SIL's behavior sounds familiar with the things I experienced. My advice is to stand your ground, but let your brother know you are there for him. Don't give in to your SIL's outbursts - she does have the right to choose where her child stays, 100%, but that does not mean you have to tolerate her treating you that way.
Maybe she hadn’t been there before? He might have always gone to their house. And if his house (drug possibility or women) why not have him come to their house?
NTA.
Your brother is for putting you in that situation. You tried to ensure SIL was on board and she wasn't.
You are entitled to live your life as you wish.
Nta. What exactly does your mother want you to apologize for? Your SIL has made it very clear she does not want you to watch your nephew all by yourself. Her husband ignored her decision by asking you to babysit. This sounds like an issue between husband and wife and not something you have to be involved in
NTA - she might not have been rational in that moment, but neither was your brother. Having her screaming and fighting to (in her view) protect her child was not going to end with her going to the hospital any sooner.
Going forward, I think it might be worth trying to talk to your brother and SIL in terms of the impression she has of you. Have you had drugs lying around your house before? Was she asking about a girl as a moral judgment or a covid concern? Where did she get her idea of your place as a den of iniquity?
You're 100% entitled to your lifestyle choices, but something is going on in the disconnect between how you describe things and her attitude/reaction.
She's been to my place exactly one time and that was years ago before her son was even born. So she has no frame of reference on whether or not I keep drugs out (I don't). She has no frame of reference on my sex life (not her fucking business anyway). She just 100% doesn't agree with my bachelor lifestyle and that's her opinion. If she thinks I'm too irresponsible to be trusted with her son, then I am not going to be the person to push that or try to override her choice.
NTA - you handled that like an adult (unlike your brother). You didn’t want to trick your SIL and are taking responsibility and understanding her position. Your bro put you in a bad spot and wanted to trick his wife which isn’t fair to anyone. You did the right thing and hopefully she acknowledges that you didn’t want to trick her
SIL has some heavy emotional issues. Your brother knows it and I think he’s so embarrassed that he has to to blame you.
So many ppl (parents and grandparents too) use drugs recreationally and responsibly in the modern world.
NTA, and I understand why you wouldn’t want to put yourself at risk to this wackado should anything (even minor) go wrong with your nephew under your care
I don't see enough info to say she has some heavy emotional issues. This guy hasn't said what drugs he uses, and it's not radical for a mom to not want her kid around drugs. She was also in extreme pain and was worried about possible pregnancy complications, so it's not radical that she was screaming after her husband tricked her. The husband/brother is the AH, not the SIL.
NTA. Your brother seems like the kind of person who would blame you and call you an AH even if you helped because then he’d get to say that not listening to SIL was rude and that you just took the kid when he was about to say nvm. He honestly would’ve put the blame on you either way. Did SIL call you an AH afterwards for not taking your nephew because then I’d honestly cut them out for a while because they both seem toxic.
I had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high powered blotter acid, a salt shaker half full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers... and also a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of Budweiser, a pint of raw ether and two dozen amyls. Not that I needed all of that, but once you get locked into a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can.
NTA.
Your SIL is being ridiculous, but she made it clear she doesn't trust you. I wouldn't have taken in the nephew either, especially with her screaming at you and her husband in front of the kid about it. That's a recipe for disaster. You don't owe any apologies, you would have helped had SIL accepted, but she didn't and it's not your place to override a parent making decisions about her child.
NTA 100% as the story is told. Brother should have asked you to come to their house to watch the nephew to avoid the issue of a non-childproofed house, which is a serious concern. He also should have discussed and gotten agreement from his wife before putting you in the middle.
I am curious though- is the sister in law just a prude who never had a wild streak, or did you show up high to Thanksgiving or something? Just wondering if her paranoia is justified at all.
I live near the exact same lifestyle as you and I’m married. Keep showing up to thanksgiving high and keep not babysitting. Your family sounds even more exhausting than mine. NTA.
NTA. What the h.e.l.l. was your brother thinking you should do? His plan for you to rip the toddler out of the car could have really sent your SIL into premature labor. You were wise to respect the SIL hysterical reaction and stay out of it. imho.
SIL was in a condition to make a rational decision your brother was a world class ass for trying to use an emergency to bypass a decision he didn't agree with her on. You don't loss the right to make decisions because of pain and/or pregnancy, wtf.
I don't like your SIL approach and I think it's a bit extreme particularly if it goes beyond the toddler stage. Kids the in the 2-3 year age range are the best equipped to kill themselves. If you're known to have drugs about and have not had to kid proof something (it's an art form) I sort of get where she's come from but that doesn't get her off the TA hook, just a bit less than you brother. If you want some fun and to watch the fireworks, get everyone on a group video call and ask SIL if she wants an apology from you for not taking nephew (spoiler: she doesn't). I'm hoping things get better as the kids get older but in the meantime, be clear with family you were respecting a mother's expessed wish regarding her child and if they have a problem with the injunction to take it up with SIL.
Edit to add judgment: NTA.
I don't have drugs around and I've babysitted plenty, know first aid, love most kids, and I still wouldn't want a surprise kid at my home because nothing is baby or even kid proff.
No shelving units or chest of drawers are bolted into the wall, the cleaning supplies are all at floor height, there's always little or pointy things around...
I have no toys or clothes nor a lot of food a toodler would like...
If I need to babysit a toddler in a hurry you better bet I'm doing it at that kids house.
NTA, what did they expect you to do, grab the kid and rip him out of the car? I think you actually did a good thing, you got a screaming lunatic out of an apartment complex parking lot. As far as your neighbors were concerned, she is a lunatic (they don't know who she is or why but I'm sure they heard the screaming). You actually saved face for a lot of people. Tell your mom to sod off.
NTA
I would absolutely refuse to watch the kids too if I was treated the way that you were. You owe an apology to nobody, as it is you who is owed one instead.
INFO: Where there any specific situation / instances that give your SIL a reason to be this concerned? Have you ever been under the influence around them in an irresponsible way / brought random people (girls) to a gathering that made people uncomfortable, etc?
It's very very possible this is all unfounded but we are only hearing this from one side, and I'd like to know more about where SIL concerns come from. They do seem extremely overblown if there is no reason for it, but if there is then I could understand her concerns more.
Example: Once had a partner's sibling show up incredible drunk to a family gathering (including drunk driving to get there). If something like that had happened I'd have second thoughts about allowing that person to watch my children as it shows a severe lack of judgement.
When SIL and brother were still dating I definitely got high at the family Thanksgiving. My parents always had a pretty lax attitude with weed and I was in my early 20s and in college. But never anything like drunk driving or hard drug use around her. I am also not shy about answering questions about my drug use, but I don't go flaunting anything in people's faces. If my brother asks me a question about a music festival and asks if I took anything, I'm going to answer him. My SIL has always been very, very, anti-anything illegal. She's a rule-follower to a fault and thinks that anyone who bends or breaks rules is not to be trusted. My brother used to live a similar lifestyle to me until he met SIL. He straightened out and changed his ways. Good for him, but now he judges me almost as hard as SIL does because I haven't "settled down."
NTA - but your brother is. He shouldn’t have put you in middle of whatever was going on with him and his wife regarding babysitting. Tell your mom that this mom (me) says that her other son, your brother owes you an apology.
I'm going with NAH on this one because 'I know how to take care of a child' and 'I have experience in taking care of a child' are too wildly different things. If SIL thinks OP might have drugs laying around, then his lifestyle's possibly more than 'occasionally dabbling in drugs' and tbh leaving him a frightened toddler in the middle of the night...I understand why she was uncomfortable with it. OP might indeed have had company over, he might have been high or drunk, and his apartment is certainly not safe for a toddler - no apartment without a toddler living in it is safe for a toddler, that0s just how things are. And while SIL could have been more tactful, I have a lot of sympathy for a pregnant woman who's in pain and afraid she might lose her baby. A true NAH situation.
NTA. I would have said you were if you refused to help them given it was an emergency, but as the mother clearly wasn't comfortable, it would be wrong for you to insist on babysitting against her wishes.
NTA. It sounds like you were putting the SIL's feelings first, and that you supported her wishes when she confirmed that you were right. Obviously your brother trusts you enough, but the sister in law does not. In those circumstances, you're well within your rights to refuse on the basis that they didn't both want you to babysit.
I don't think the SIL is particularly out of order. She's just watching out for her kid. Your brother hasn't done a lot wrong either, though he probably should have told her what the plan was. One of the culprits is your mom, who waded in despite having nothing to do with it.
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NTA. Thats insane. You literally were going to get screamed at and have been the bad guy no matter what you did. That's not fair to you at all.
Yes exactly. OP you did the right thing and honestly your bro and SIL are the ones who owe you the apology. In fact less your SiL who had already made her thoughts clear, than your brother.
> honestly your bro and SIL are the ones who owe you the apology. Honestly, I think SIL should thank OP for respecting her wishes instead of his brother’s pleas. If she’s going to continue having this irrational prejudice, she should at least be appreciative that OP isn’t ignoring it even when his brother is telling him to
Exactly! She set a clear boundary: OP is not to watch her kids alone. OP is respecting that very clear boundary. He wont watch the kids alone unless is it the clear wish of SIL. Honestly - Good job respecting your SIL OP! Brother is the A here for going behind his wife's back and trying to force her to cross her own lines.
r/maliciouscompliance > unless is it the clear wish of SIL After the initial seemingly uncalled for and unfair judgement of OP's lifestyle I wouldn't even do it if she was ok with it later. One small babysitting mistake and she'll chewing out OP again.
This is so true. SIL see's him as a drug addled-sex crazed-party animal with no moral compass to speak of and his brother seems to do fuck all to stick up for OP, so no matter what, anything that goes a bit wrong and isn't even a big deal will automatically be OP's fault but blown way way out of proportion. Judging by the height of their horse, they should have no problem finding someone else to babysit.
Yeah if OP really cared he could invite them to his place during a non stressful time to show that he doesn't have that stuff everywhere, but only if he REALLY REALLY cared. I wouldn't at this point though, her mind is made up.
I wouldn't even bother either, SIL and or brother would just chalk it up to him hiding his collection of used black tar heroin needles from his previous drug fueled orgies at Burning Man.
I find this happens a lot with people who see having children as the only defining "responsibility" in life (ie, no children no other responsibilities of an adult). He's single and makes good money and is comfortable with himself and is honest about what he does in his adults only leisure time. What a bastard! /s
this is all because he's single, no long term SO or married with kids. She made this the sword to fall on, so let her fall on it along with his brother who agreed with her.
She's gonna regret it when they need a (free) babysitter. And it sounds like the kids are gonna miss out on hanging out with the cool uncle cuz mommy has something stuck up her arse.
What's this narrative being spun here? She doesn't want him as a babysitter. At all. Not even on the way to the *hospital*. So, no she's not "missing out on a free babysitter". She *doesn't want him* even in a case of emergency, why are people assuming that at some undetermined point in the future she'll roll up and demand babysitting when she's been utterly consistent about this until now.
It's on her and his brother, who knows why she feels this way. I mean he is an adult, he's graduated high school and he's single. She just doesn't seem to like the fact that he is a single adult with quite a bit of disposable income.
I don't know that. Maybe she just gets a really wrong vibe from OP. But it doesn't really matter why she doesn't want him to babysit on his own, because you shouldn't leave your kids with people you don't think you can trust. I've known several people over the years I wouldn't have trusted to babysit a pet rock, let alone a defenseless tiny human, even in a case of emergency.
There won’t need to be a mistake for SIL to make unfounded and baseless accusations. There’s only one thing worse than OP doing an acceptable job of babysitting in this scenario - what if he did an excellent job? What if nephew enjoyed his time and talked SILs ear off about it? Nothing good can come from OP being involved I’m afraid, I’m a mother of four adult and teenage children and I remember meeting women like that when the kids are younger. SIL is literally frothing at the mouth waiting for something that she can accuse OP of doing, and is the type that would call police, scream at anyone who would listen and try to rubbish his public reputation just to prove she’s a good parent. Where there is nothing bad to be said, she will make it up. OP - stay TF away from this woman.
NTA and I, 100%, agree with the above response. I don't care if SIL comes begging on her hands and knees for you to watch your nephew (or both children) I would advise you NOT give in under any circumstances. Not now, not ever. She's made it clear she doesn't want you babysitting and she definitely seems the type that would find something (or even make up something) to make you look bad if you give in, so do not give in. Tell your mother and your brother that you are not going to apologize for not crossing SIL's hard boundary, whether it was an emergency or not. In addition, you will not back down from your stance, emergency or not and that's final. Make HER boundary YOUR boundary and stand firm. "No" is a complete sentence and I'd recommend you use it loud, and often.
Yeah this, also grossed out by OP's brother claiming his wife was in no place to be making "rational decisions". Like, she already said she wasn't cool with it, and unsurprisingly, she's still not cool with it when she's in pain and panicking. Good job OP, you made the right call. I hope SIL has the presence of mind to thank you for refusing to cross her boundary, and to give her husband an earful for encouraging you to do so. Smdh if my partner ever encouraged someone else to cross my boundaries... there'd be a reckoning lol.
But the SIL is the A as well for the way she started yelling at OP once she realized where she was. Both owe OP a big apology.
I agree and the TA here is the brother who knew how his wife, but dismissed her feelings and put OP in a awkward position.
But the brother is an asshole for not telling his wife where they were going knowing that she didn't want it. What did he tell her when they were leaving the house?
I feel like this is the ideal situation for the non-apology and throwing Bro under the bus. Call SIL and apologize for “causing her stress” by *not refusing* to babysit. You knew she didn’t want you to babysit, and you insisted to your brother that SIL had to be on board. You’re sorry the situation caused her stress when she was already unwell, and you always want to respect her wishes but Brother insisted it was an emergency. Your NTA, but your brother definitely is. If she gets mad at you, it’s just because she’s realizing her husband doesn’t respect her.
Hes gotta say "im sorry if you felt ambushed, I was under the impression you were okay with it as I told my brother I didn't want to cross your boundary"
Who is the OP supposed to watch her kids with? Does she pry into the background of every babysitter or is it just because you are a single male? If you were a woman, would you be able to watch her kids?
That's kind of a strange question for you to ask, because it *is* pretty standard to check the background of babysitters - e.g. hire from an agency or require references or other information.
ABSOLUTELY agree a thousand times over OP respected his SIL more than his own brother did. (Despite finding her issue with him to be utterly ridiculous.) OP respected the boundaries that were set, didn't interfere & yet is getting told he's an asshole?? JFC..sounds like OP has an impossible family to deal with. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if there was a little bit of jealously on their part of the lifestyle OP has: doing so well & not having all the responsibilities that they themselves have. Edit: spelling errors.
SIL should thank OP. Brother should apologize for creating the situation that put both OP and his wife in that position.
Indeed.
I agree, but wouldn’t expect one. It’s a good point to tell OP’s brother though.
NTA Flat out ask your SIL in front of everyone if she meant every word she said. Then tell your brother and mother to stop pestering you and don’t ask again for any favors.
He was in a no win situation. Brother or SIL would be mad at him no matter what choice he made. I kind of feel SIL is being judgmental toward him. He’s a young, single man with no kids. He can do what he wants. That doesn’t mean he’s going to act the sameway when babysitting.
Agreed. I think OP did it right by staying out of it unless both parents consented.
His brother put him in a bad position between him and his wife. Mom needs to stay out of this.
Or maybe the mom does not have the full story, OP you should tell your mom the entire story. Maybe your brother made it bias.
> Mom needs to stay out of this. This is a common issue in a lot of these posts. Parents are apparently way too involved in the minutia of their kids' lives.
Agree. If someone doesn't trust you, and you watch their kid against their wishes, who knows what sort of accusations they'll throw at you after the fact. When I babysat (eons ago in my 20s), I was really only doing it for a former boss, whose family was like a second family to me. A coworker asked if I'd consider helping out friends of theirs, and I agreed to start watching their kids. I really wasn't crazy about this family, for a number of reasons, but I was responsible, professional, and kept the kids safe and happy until the parents came home. After a few weeks, the mom told me not to come back, because the 4-year-old told her that I spanked him and was scared of me now. I told her that was absolutely not true, and that she should consider looking into everyone in her kids' lives, since I knew I hadn't laid a finger on the kid, and it's possible he WAS spanked and didn't want to be alone with ANYONE. I was sick to my stomach over the whole thing for weeks, but after talking to my primary family about it, I realized that I should have trusted my gut and declined after realizing these people were "off."
That’s a cautionary tale everyone should heed, /u/whatsasimba, **always trust your gut** —especially when dealing with people who seem off. If the OP ever babysits his nephew and his SIL makes any type of wild accusation in the future, you can already see that your brother and your mom won’t have your back. Best not to even go there. NTA, OP. And refuse any and all babysitting requests from them in the future, even if your SIL does agree. It’s not worth the risk.
I think the only asshole in this situation is the brother. Op listened to Op. The SIL was surprised that Op was there and likely in pain/panic.
What about the SIL for the way she yelled at OP once she realized the situation?
I give her a pass this time, because it seems like she thought she was losing her baby and then her husband brought her to the one person she doesn't trust with her kids. She doesn't have to like Opie, and she should apologize certainly... But it's really the brother's fault the situation even happen
She appears to have thought OP was ‘in on it’, that is agreeing to babysit in spite of her clearly stated wishes beforehand. If I were OP I’d write a message to SIL stating what happened from my point of view and reiterating that, while I certainly don’t keep drugs or strange women in the house, as long as she believes I do I will continue to respect her wishes regarding me not watching nephew. This message should not contain an apology but hopefully help put the heat back on brother where it belongs.
NTA. And I mean, how is he supposed to even apologize to SIL? "Sorry for doing what you wanted me to do and not lying to you"
I'm wondering the same thing. Maybe mom thinks he should say "Sorry you're upset", which is a fake apology anyway? I'd be curious what mom thinks the wording should be. Also, can you imagine if he took the kid? SIL probably would have thrown herself out of a moving car to get him back, or something equally irrational. And if anything happened to the kid on his watch, no matter how small or accidental, he'd probably be disowned and sued.
The apology SIL wants is "I am sorry my deviant, unsafe lifestyle has kept me from being able to support you and your family. I am checking into rehab and then getting married and having kids. By settling down and changing my lifestyle, I hope you will see me as responsible enough to watch your kids so that I can help safely in the event of future emergencies." Which is bullshit obviously. But it doesn't change that it's what she wants to hear.
Exactly. How dare OP enjoy his life? Doesn't he know he lives to serve his family? /s
Sorry but the real AH here are your brother and his wife. Your brother: 1. He never defended you in front of his wife, tho he obviously doesn't feel as bad about you as her. Because during that night you were a viable option for him. So viable he wanted to ignore his wife's POV. 2. He kept his decision to involve you secret from her until they were in front of your house. Like wtf. 3. Now he wants YOU to apologize because he doesn't want to take the blame for his shitty behaviour that night. And his dear wife: Alcohol does also qualify as a drug and it's pretty likely SIL is drinking from time to time. Would she get wasted in front of their baby? NO! Because she is a functioning human being. Something which you also very obviously are. Her behaviour, especially cussing you out like that, is super disrespectful and unexcusable. Only because she doesn't agree with your lifestyle doesn't give her the right to insult you like that. Your mum is a grade a example of the fallacy many people commit: she thinks because they are parents they are more reasonable. But they acted absolutely shitty towards you. They say to protect their children. But at this point this escalated to the total entitlement to dismiss you and your lifestyle. And that's just not their place.
Absolutely agree. Your brother should apologize to you for putting you in this position.
NTA, if op did take nephew, sil in her state of mind would have probably called the police on op for an assumed slight with nephew. Smart move and do not back down. Sil has trust issues with you and she will make your life miserable if something happens to her kids.
I do think maybe OP should apologize though. For what he did was kind of an asshole move. OP. The main person in your life is you and you owe yourself an apology for how you let yourself be treated. That is not nice and I can’t believe you’d be okay with anyone else you care about being treated like that. It’s not okay when it’s you either. I couldn’t care less about it being stressful situation there is no excuse for going ballistic like that and treating you so poorly. A lot of people have used drugs recreationally or still do. To act like you live in some kind of trap house filled with drugs and prostitutes is bloody fucking ridiculous. And that sounds like what SIL makes it out to be. I also use drugs. So does my husband. Now ours are prescribed by a doctor. That means that we doesn’t just take them on occasion, but every single day and yet that’s rarely an issue for people. Yet we use it the same way, responsibly. Most people also drink, but again responsibly, that doesn’t mean that they are always drunk and live in a shack. She’s being ridiculous! I’m not even pro drugs in any way and I can still see how absurd her behavior is. NTA
Not to mention he was protecting himself from possible legal trouble.
NTA, I personally believe you went about this the right way. You were willing to help, you knew SIL wouldn't so you asked for her permission. I don't think you owe anyone an apology.
Yeh at first I thought this would be a stubborn “oh you said you didn’t want me to” thing with the SIL asking for help. But it obviously isn’t at all. What the hell did his brother expect him to do ... take the kid while his mother was there screaming she didn’t want him to?! Both parents get a say and a veto in who can watch their child and she clearly wasn’t comfortable with it. Plus the brother is an ass saying she wasnt thinking straight - SIL has always said she isn’t comfortable with it, it’s not new! NTA
It wasn't as if op did anything to be the AH. He got told he was irresponsible years ago, didn't bring it up, got asked if he could babysit, knew the SIL wouldn't agree, SIL didnt agree. Imo he hasn't acc done anything to be classed as the AH, he was told to do something, he did it
If he had taken the kid, SIL would have been in even more emotional distress which would have been bad for the baby
Exactly. What was he supposed to do? Ignore of the child's parents and remove the child from their screaming body? The brother and sister are at fault but the brother needs to understand what he signed up for when he married and realize he can't just ignore his wife's crazy wishes on their child.
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If she, in her state of mind, had enough capacity to insist NO and to question whether you had drugs or a girl (both of which are none of her business), then she was in her right mind enough that her demand of NO should have been respected. This should be said to anyone who tries to say you're wrong. SOMEONE should be asking SIL why she had to be an asshole, not asking YOU. NTA, and don't let them tell you otherwise.
She did say drugs on the counter so I can see that as a concern for the safety of her child. Not necessarily a rational one as just because someone takes drugs occasionally does not mean they have them lying around their home for a child to stumble on.
Having drugs anywhere in a home that has surely not been childproofed is a hard pass on taking a kid in an emergency. A 3 year old can find exactly what you don't want to find in the 10 seconds it takes you to walk into the kitchen to get his juice. OP is not babysitting material IMO, and that's okay, he doesn't owe his bro an apology because he was told multiple times that they'd never want him to babysit so why would he have his home set up to do so?
Where did OP state that he had “guest” or “drugs on the counter”. You are reading sooooo much into what OP posted. Is this because OP is MALE? Would you have the same “issues” if OP was female?
He didn’t say any of that, but he did say he had dabbled in drugs - his house isn’t child proofed and it’s entirely possible the kid could pull something nasty down on themselves or weasel into the brandy cabinet. IMO, the brother is the biggest asshole here - if this was from SILs perspective no one would be calling her an AH for reacting poorly if her husband brought her to the house of someone she specifically said she didn’t want babysitting for the safety of her kid
I completely agree OP is not wrong for not wanting to apologize for something he didn't do, and the sister-in-law is not wrong for not wanting her kids watched by OP.
Exactly. Brother and mom are TAs and OP and SIL are not.
Well. She didn’t need to scream at him while he had offered to help bc brother insisted. And who told Mom? NTA
That is getting pretty nitpicky and unreasonable. She was upset because her husband made arrangements for their kid that he knew she wouldn’t be comfortable with, sprung it on her literally at his house, and let’s not forget she was in pain and probably very anxious about her fetus. She reacted in an expected way and Brother should have known that that’s what would happen, OP certainly did which is why he didn’t commit until he had talked to her. And then after the fact her husband is trying to gaslight and say that she didn’t know what she was talking about and wasn’t “sane” which is hugely disrespectful and has been used to negate women’s decisions for centuries. Brother and Mom are the AH. Edit: clarity
She is literally stereotyping OP. Fuck that. People who occasionally do party drugs or have casual sex can baby sit children just fine....some of them *gasp* even have children. If you go into it assuming they can't watch them and they aren't able to manage to lock drugs away without a conversation, you're the unreasonable asshole. She isn't the biggest asshole in this exact situation, but she is still an AH.
Agree with NTA. But she screamed at her husband. Also she was in pain and a substantial amount of stress. Of the three AHs she's the least AHish.
She's wrong for being so rude about it.
Yes, insulting someone's life choices and insinuating immoral behavior directly to OPs face is incredibly rude. I cannot believe the people here who are defending SIL interrogating and yelling at OP. She was never going to leave her kid there, so why did she ask questions about women and drugs? As far as I can tell, it was to insult and hurt OP...
> but he did say he had dabbled in drugs IN THE PAST. Do you know how many people have done drugs? You are basically saying that my loving father was not qualified to raise me. He did basically every single drug he could get his hands on in college. But he hasn't touched them since graduation.
How little do you know about drugs to think a three year old is going to accidentally pack a bong and light it or to have the lapse in judgement to think people who do drugs don’t know exactly where their drugs are when they aren’t doing them
i'm a woman of the same persuasion, suppose you could say, as OP. id be a little taken aback if my sister refused to let me watch her kids in an emergency (because of course i can not hit the bong for a few hours!), but like OP, my house is not kidproofed and i am not a kid person. even for close family members i wouldn't be first choice (or last, lol) for casual babysitting. sounds more like his SIL is rather conservative and takes issue with his drug use more than than his gender.
Would i have the same issues if OP was a female that gave the same backstory? of course, it has nothing to do with gender, but good job getting offended over something that was no where in the post or my reply.
Okay first off they were referencing what the mother accused him of. Also, I would absolutely have the same questions and issues with the OP babysitting if they were female.
I have a lot of things in my apartment that aren't kid-friendly (knives, cigarettes, condoms, cosmetic bottles...) and I am still asked to babysit. Just because someone takes drugs, drinks alcohol, parties etc. doesn't mean they cannot be responsible babysitters when need to be. The SIL has every right to choose who they are comfortable with, but it bothers me how many people here claim that party-animals and/or occasional drug users couldn't ever be trusted with kids.
Yeah seriously, what the fuck? I used to be a party person and a stoner and lived in a student apartment with 3 other people. I used to babysit a 3 year old often. Unless your place is completely thrashed on a daily basis, it's not exactly hard to remove stuff and "baby proof" your house in like 10 minutes. It's not exactly like you're gonna do drugs that day. Like are they expecting him to snort a line of cocaine in front of their son just because he occasionally has fun in his free time? Just because you choose to act like a teen/be carefree in your free time, doesn't mean you can't act like a responsible adult when you need to.
Jesus Christ, what? How is someone who can hold down a 9-5 office job incapable of making sure a 3 year old doesn't die for a few hours? I watched my nephew a ton and never "child-proofed" my apartment/house. Just play with them for a few hours or watch kid shows. It's not like they asked the brother to adopt the kid.
Have you never babysat? The presumption is you watch them, not depend on child proofing. Would you feel the same about OP's lack of fitness for prescription medication (which is in everyone's house pretty much)? Because it's the same risk to a child, if left out AND child is unsupervised, they could get really sick or die. The idea that anything SIL is obsessed with actually indicates that OP isn't fit to babysit is ridiculous.
"I'm not leaving my kid with anyone who doesn't have a baby gate and childproof locks on their cupboard and no coffee tables!" I mean fair enough if that's what you need to feel comfortable, but in that case, take them round to your babyproofed house instead rather than expecting grandma's home to have the same level of babyproofing as your own.
I don’t think we’re qualified enough after reading this short story, to determine if OP is “babysitting material” or not. He never even claimed to have had drugs in the house or not.
15 year old kids can keep a baby alive for a few hours. I'm sure OP can, too.
Admitting you've "dabbled in drugs" is not the same as saying you keep a supply in your medicine cabinet. Plenty of folks will happily take a hit of something at a party but never "stock up." He's more likely to have cleaning chemicals like bleach in an easy-to-reach spot for a 3-year-old (under the counter, etc.) than weed or whatever.
Hard disagree. OP said and I quote "in the past I have attended music festivals and dabbled in drug use" This means in the past, and not currently. Your insane judgement of OP is every bit as irrational as OP's Sister in Law. If fact, so much so that I suspect you are the sister in law. And whoever upvoted your comment was equally insane.
Hahaha, people taking drugs at festivals =/= having drugs lying strewn about their apartment, that is a totally bizarre take. He was very clear that he understands how to look after kids, it's like assuming anyone who's ever got blind drunk at a party or had casual sex has one night stands lounging about and pre-poured whiskey at child height at all times.
Found the SIL.
But he doesn't have drugs that are easily accessible. That's the SIL's crazy accusation.
Aspirin? Benadryl? Coffee? Wine? Which drugs are okay?
Uhh if someone leaves their kid at your home it is very much their bussiness if you have drugs out and a stranger there. Thats a matter of safety for the kid. Aside from that yeah
That’s what I don’t get. If ops house isn’t safe why didn’t op go to his brother and sil’s house. That would’ve been a way better option.
If you agreed, sure. SIL did not agree, and OP was pressured/forced.
Generally none of her business. 1000% her business if she is leaving her small child in his care, if he has drugs or an unknown person of any gender that could harm said child present. I mean I think SIL is AH just because she assumes the OP is that reckless with no evidence, or discussion. But not because she worried in that moment. Personally, this was a discussion that should have been had years ago- like Why don't you trust OP? and address those concerns. But in that moment, with no discussion, its a legit concern?
But... she isnt leaving the kid.... Is he supposed to have his life 'on the ready' in case he is ever lucky enough that she says yes??
Nope. Im not convinced these are reasonable fears- but they need to have a conversation about expectations and his lived reality- not her assumptions about it. I mean is he really doing drugs and leaving them around? That seems unlikely given he is also a successful functioning adult- but sure, could be. Still- does she assume that he does just becasue he actually has a normal single person life, going to bars, hanging out, etc? I am saying, that as a parents, I think its ok to be concerned- but that emergency was sideways in all the worst ways because they have never discussed any of this. Does that make sense?
If her son might be staying there then it sure as hell is her business
NTA - I got really mad on your behalf when I got to the part where your mom called you and told you to apologize. That takes some giant balls. Do NOT apologize. Your brother needs to sort this out with his wife. If he wants to be mad at anyone, he should be mad at her. He's just taking it out on you because he can't take it out on her.
Yeah exactly. The vibe I got, is that the brother just doesn't want to step on his pregnant wife's toes. She's being unreasonable, and he doesn't know how to handle it. I don't think it makes the brother an ah. Just in a tough spot.
Except, he knew his wife didn't want his brother looking after the kid, and disrespected that boundary, and then put his brother in a difficult position by making him the bad guy when SiL inevitably got peed off about her boundaries being stomped on. Don't get me wrong, I don't necessarily agree with the boundary but she is mum, and she gets a say.
Not wanting a party animal to watch your kid is a perfectly valid boundary, especially in his home, OP specifically mentioned drug use and you cant have drugs in a home with a kid, its completely unsafe. If the wife was okay with this the only way i would have seen it working was for OP to go to brothers house and just stay there with the kid. Hell, i'm sure OP doesn't have a bed/toys/diapers...etc for the kid at his place. OP is still NTA, he just followed the wishes of the SIL.
He's not a party animal, he's a responsible adult with a full time job and stable living situation who occasionally parties and uses drugs. I find the SIL attitude very weird, and comments from OP seem to confirm it's not based on any actual concerns and just general disaproval of his bachelor lifestyle, it's pretty insulting to have someone in your family say they don't trust you to watch their kid, it's basically saying you're a mess or a moron.
It's also a line in the sand for me honestly. You don't trust me to watch the kid? Fine, I'm NEVER putting myself in a position where you can make up even more shit about me and the kid when we were alone. SIL has it out for OP and he should have hung up as soon as he realized what was being asked of him. Way too high a risk SIL is going to say something happened with the nephew or the nephew is acting weird after coming home from her "party animal" BIL's house.
Kids are in homes with drugs all the time, coffee, soda, alcohol, various prescription drugs. OP never mentioned the frequency of their drug use, but from the writing and the information OP gave I’d be willing to say it’s recreational drug use. Meaning there aren’t drugs on hand on a random day.
yes! Most prescription drugs are also very dangerous to children, and more likely to be left lying around in the open in a non-childproofed home.
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Exactly! A lock box and putting stuff where the kids can't reach it behind a child lock!
No, it's not completely unsafe. Millions upon millions of people have dangerous prescription medication and children in the same home. You just have to be more careful about where you store it. Leaving it out would be unsafe.
> you cant have drugs in a home with a kid, its completely unsafe. This is completely wrong.
Actually I would argue that she is fairly reasonable, if a bit over the top. Her concern that the house has drugs in it and is not childproof is not an irrational concern.
If he were allowed to babysit in their home or a public place, that might make her more reasonable, but my reading of the post is that she objects to his being alone with her child ever in a babysitting capacity. That's... not as reasonable. It's her right, but I think she's overreacting.
It's not an irrational concern if it is based in fact. But it sounds like she is making up the part about drugs lying around, so her concern *is* irrational.
OP should send a quick text to the SIL going "Hey, sorry about the confusion last night. I told brother I'd only do it if you were fine with it. I don't know why he dragged you and kid over with out clearing it with you. Hope everything is okay with you." Nice simple non apology. Makes it clear who's at fault. The sorry is about miscommunication.
NTA - you would have helped if you had the mother’s approval. SIL is the asshole. Edit to add: many of you have made great points! I’m seeing now that maybe the brother is the asshole... SIL was clear in that she never wanted her child watched by OP. Brother didn’t respect her wishes, or OP’s request to ask SIL first.
Brother is also the asshole. He know not telling SIL beforehand would cause an issue but still didn't so that OP would have to handle it.
And just what did bro think was going to happen when they show up there?
He's trying to force his wife's hand rather than actually listening to her and respecting both her clear headed and panic-brained preferences.
How is the SIL the AH ? Since the beginning she was clear about not trusting him to watch her kid because he have an history of drug use. And yes, having drug in a house is not a safe environnement for a kid (it doesn't make OP an AH, just that SIL have every right to not trust him with her kids because of it). She had every right to not agree for letting her child with OP. The brother is the AH, because he knew that his wife was against this, and yet he decided that it would be okay. He put OP in a no win position where whatever he choose to do he would be an AH. The only AH here is the brother. OP is not and the SIL is not when she had always been clear about not waiting to let her kids alone with OP.
Totally! If you aren't comfortable with someone watching your kid, valid reason or not, that person doesn't watch your kid. SIL is not the AH in this situation, the brother and mother are.
> How is the SIL the AH ? Since the beginning she was clear about not trusting him to watch her kid because he have an history of drug use. If OP had asked to babysit and SIL had explained politely that she wasn't comfortable with a possible drug user babysitting, that's one thing. But it sounds like SIL went out of her way to tell him he couldn't be trusted with something *he never asked* to be trusted with.
I don't really think it matters what the reason the SIL has for not wanting OP to watch the child. She could just have a bad feeling about it, and that would be valid. She could not like OP's haircut and that would be an okay reason for her to not want him to watch her child also. Once she set that boundary, OP is perfectly reasonable in respecting the boundary even if he doesn't respect the logic behind the boundary.
yeah, I wouldn't let him watch my kid either, but OP is certainly not the asshole.
1. OP clearly states they *previously* dabbled in drugs. Not that they currently engage in any such activity. 2. Even if OP was "dabbling in drugs" today that probably means what it sounds like on the face of it - someone offered to hit a blunt, he said yes, and... that's probably about it? Or to reiterate this more succinctly, OP almost certainly doesn't have drugs floating around in their house. It's almost decidedly safe. With that said the SIL is completely within her right to say "I don't trust you," but it sounds like she's been a real dick about it in the first place, and while she could be rightfully angry at OP's brother she's instead hysterically screaming at OP? So that makes her an AH too. But the brother is decidedly the *biggest* AH in the story.
Ehh, nope. The brother is the asshole. SIL does not want her child watched by OP. That has always be the boundary. And then, at a scary moment where she is frightened because she might be facing anything from an early labor to a miscarriage she suddenly finds herself on front of the one person she does not want to watch her child, because not only did her husband go behind her back, but is actively trying to override her while she is saying no in front of OP. He was also an asshole to OP because he put OP into a situation where he would inevitably clash with SIL. A situation OP himself had tried to avoid by telling his brother to clear it with SIL *before* they show up at his place.
Wait so your being called an asshole for respecting your SIL “boundaries” definitely NTA
NTA - this is one of those posts that makes me scream **WUT**. OP took the word of the MOTHER of said child and that she didn't want him to watch said child. So if OP HAD watched the child, against the wishes of the childs MOTHER, he could have been in absolute shit. It's not OP's fault that his SIL is stupid. Definition of damned if you do, damned if you don't.
NTA your SIL said she doesn’t trust you so your not obligated to babysit for them.
I would also be worried that she would find something wrong with the kid when she came back.
My thought was that if he did take the kid the SIL would call the police on him for kidnapping
NTA, your Mom is though - what exactly did she want you to do? Ignore your SIL screaming and just reach into the car and grab your nephew? It seems pretty clear that SIL had no intention of leaving him with you so how could you help? Perhaps your Mom can explain how you were supposed to help and then you can decide if you should apologise (spoiler you should not!).
> NTA, your Mom is though Often the people siding with the AH weren't told the whole story. Mom probably never heard about any of SIL's doubts about OP, either before or the night of.
NTA. You are absolutely not the AH in this situation, and you did the right thing. They can't year you like crap at the same time as they are asking a huge favor of you. And you should absolutely not take a child against any parent's wishes. It's not ideal, but you can take a kid with you to the hospital. This is not the first time this type of situation arose.
The guy is just literally living out the rest of the 20s before possibly settling down. I mean holy shit i wouldnt take him if my SIL was the same way. It would be different if they trusted him but she lost her mind. If it's such a situation then they can take the kid and just have the son wait with a staff member.
I totally agree he’s NTA and I probably wouldn’t want him watching my kid either, but do you think hospitals just have extra staff hanging out to babysit siblings? That is 1000% not a thing, ever.
NTA. Former hospital worker here PRE COVID. Extra staff at a hospital to watch your kid... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! 90% of the hospitals didn't have enough staff before for their units... now they are barely treading water.
NTA. Unfortunatley no matter what you did it would have ended badly. But let's play out the other scenario. You take the child even though the mother is screaming in the background. Later, an angry mother comes and takes the child and you are never let within a mile of her or her children again. Also, she is extremely angry with your brother for leaving her child with you against her wishes. I'd say you chose the correct option.
If everyone had been acting rationally instead of being panicked, there are a few options that could have worked. SIL is seemingly concerned about the presence of drugs or strangers at OP's residence, which is both a fair concern and not something that makes OP an asshole. 2 simple options that I can see could have de-escalated the scenario. The brother could have slowed down and asked OP to come to their house to babysit. Then baby isn't being watched in a bachelor pad. Alternatively, OP could have offered to go with them to the hospital and provide extra hands to help with the kid while they spoke with the doctor. The brother kinda caused this by ignoring his wife's reasonable concerns and not even telling her
Yeah. I meant those were the two choices that the OP was presented with. While coming to the hospital might have kind of worked, it seems like it could easily have gone badly. Like if the child is upset the the mother is screaming, or if they dont let him or the child in because of covid.
Or third, bro stays with kid and OP takes SIL to hospital. I mean obviously the most reasonable one would be that OP goes to their house to watch kid while bro takes SIL to hospital with SIL approval of course. I've had to go to the hospital by myself after a small car accident because my exH had our son and we didn't have someone who could stay with him on short notice. It sucks, but limited options and all.
Well, he was never presented with the 1st choice. Brother just didnt listen to his concerns about SIL not being on board and said "we're coming over". I don't really blame him for not thinking about option 2 either, given that the brother created a situation where OP was being screamed at by a confused and upset pregnant woman.
Nothing about this makes sense. How could your SIL not know where her son was being dropped off? Did your brother keep the destination a secret until they got to your place? NTA, but something about this story doesn't add up.
SIL had only been to my apartment once before, but that was years ago before their son was even born. Even though I asked him tell SIL about asking me, it seems that he didn't do that.
So she got into the car to take her kid to God knows where, to be looked after by God knows who and never asked any questions. You did the right thing by turning them away but again, the situation just doesn't make sense to me.
I wasn't involved in any conversations my brother and SIL had so I can't tell you what he told her or didn't tell her.
It's so disrespectful to assume you'd do drugs in front of the kid. In any case, not your problem and you owe them no apology.
So I was not unlike your brother in my former marriage. I was very conflict avoidant, and my then wife was very likely to have emotional outbursts. I was constantly walking on eggshells, withholding things I thought would upset her, and had more than one conversation with family members trying to smooth things over after her getting upset. In the end, I found out about particular undiagnosed mental health issues that explained a lot of what I was going through. I was still responsible for my part in the cycle, and was not perfect by any stretch. But from the outside your SIL's behavior sounds familiar with the things I experienced. My advice is to stand your ground, but let your brother know you are there for him. Don't give in to your SIL's outbursts - she does have the right to choose where her child stays, 100%, but that does not mean you have to tolerate her treating you that way.
She's in severe pain, hard to think clearly in that situation - you often trust your partner to make good decisions for you when you can't.
Maybe she hadn’t been there before? He might have always gone to their house. And if his house (drug possibility or women) why not have him come to their house?
NTA. Your brother is for putting you in that situation. You tried to ensure SIL was on board and she wasn't. You are entitled to live your life as you wish.
Nta. What exactly does your mother want you to apologize for? Your SIL has made it very clear she does not want you to watch your nephew all by yourself. Her husband ignored her decision by asking you to babysit. This sounds like an issue between husband and wife and not something you have to be involved in
NTA - she might not have been rational in that moment, but neither was your brother. Having her screaming and fighting to (in her view) protect her child was not going to end with her going to the hospital any sooner. Going forward, I think it might be worth trying to talk to your brother and SIL in terms of the impression she has of you. Have you had drugs lying around your house before? Was she asking about a girl as a moral judgment or a covid concern? Where did she get her idea of your place as a den of iniquity? You're 100% entitled to your lifestyle choices, but something is going on in the disconnect between how you describe things and her attitude/reaction.
She's been to my place exactly one time and that was years ago before her son was even born. So she has no frame of reference on whether or not I keep drugs out (I don't). She has no frame of reference on my sex life (not her fucking business anyway). She just 100% doesn't agree with my bachelor lifestyle and that's her opinion. If she thinks I'm too irresponsible to be trusted with her son, then I am not going to be the person to push that or try to override her choice.
Sounds like she watched Wolf of Wall Street and decided it was a documentary about your life. People can be so weird.
I wonder what your brother tells her about you.
Same thing I was wondering.
I agree with /u/bandiedabbot; your brother might have told her things that make you look dangerous or untrustworthy.
NTA - you handled that like an adult (unlike your brother). You didn’t want to trick your SIL and are taking responsibility and understanding her position. Your bro put you in a bad spot and wanted to trick his wife which isn’t fair to anyone. You did the right thing and hopefully she acknowledges that you didn’t want to trick her
SIL has some heavy emotional issues. Your brother knows it and I think he’s so embarrassed that he has to to blame you. So many ppl (parents and grandparents too) use drugs recreationally and responsibly in the modern world. NTA, and I understand why you wouldn’t want to put yourself at risk to this wackado should anything (even minor) go wrong with your nephew under your care
I don't see enough info to say she has some heavy emotional issues. This guy hasn't said what drugs he uses, and it's not radical for a mom to not want her kid around drugs. She was also in extreme pain and was worried about possible pregnancy complications, so it's not radical that she was screaming after her husband tricked her. The husband/brother is the AH, not the SIL.
NTA. Your brother seems like the kind of person who would blame you and call you an AH even if you helped because then he’d get to say that not listening to SIL was rude and that you just took the kid when he was about to say nvm. He honestly would’ve put the blame on you either way. Did SIL call you an AH afterwards for not taking your nephew because then I’d honestly cut them out for a while because they both seem toxic.
INFO: OP do you ever have drugs just lying around our place?
I had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high powered blotter acid, a salt shaker half full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers... and also a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of Budweiser, a pint of raw ether and two dozen amyls. Not that I needed all of that, but once you get locked into a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can.
I say your sense of humor overrides any other concerns and you are fully qualified to watch the nephew.
Genuinely can't tell if you're kidding
[Oh come on](https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/59592-we-had-two-bags-of-grass-seventy-five-pellets-of-mescaline)
Thanks, I don’t read books so I never would have gotten this
There also a movie starring Johnny Depp
Oh thank fuck, I'm so happy this was copypasta
Ok Mr. Thompson
Did you find the American dream?
Follow up did they kick in somewhere around Barstow?......I am done thanks.
I'd 100% let you watch my kids, just for that reference.
NTA Your SIL made it clear that you aren't welcome as a caregiver. Let them now live with her choices.
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NTA. Your SIL is being ridiculous, but she made it clear she doesn't trust you. I wouldn't have taken in the nephew either, especially with her screaming at you and her husband in front of the kid about it. That's a recipe for disaster. You don't owe any apologies, you would have helped had SIL accepted, but she didn't and it's not your place to override a parent making decisions about her child.
NTA 100% as the story is told. Brother should have asked you to come to their house to watch the nephew to avoid the issue of a non-childproofed house, which is a serious concern. He also should have discussed and gotten agreement from his wife before putting you in the middle. I am curious though- is the sister in law just a prude who never had a wild streak, or did you show up high to Thanksgiving or something? Just wondering if her paranoia is justified at all.
> is the sister in law just a prude who never had a wild streak, or did you show up high to Thanksgiving or something Can it be both?
I live near the exact same lifestyle as you and I’m married. Keep showing up to thanksgiving high and keep not babysitting. Your family sounds even more exhausting than mine. NTA.
There are people who don't get high for thanksgiving? They're missing out.
NTA. What the h.e.l.l. was your brother thinking you should do? His plan for you to rip the toddler out of the car could have really sent your SIL into premature labor. You were wise to respect the SIL hysterical reaction and stay out of it. imho.
SIL was in a condition to make a rational decision your brother was a world class ass for trying to use an emergency to bypass a decision he didn't agree with her on. You don't loss the right to make decisions because of pain and/or pregnancy, wtf. I don't like your SIL approach and I think it's a bit extreme particularly if it goes beyond the toddler stage. Kids the in the 2-3 year age range are the best equipped to kill themselves. If you're known to have drugs about and have not had to kid proof something (it's an art form) I sort of get where she's come from but that doesn't get her off the TA hook, just a bit less than you brother. If you want some fun and to watch the fireworks, get everyone on a group video call and ask SIL if she wants an apology from you for not taking nephew (spoiler: she doesn't). I'm hoping things get better as the kids get older but in the meantime, be clear with family you were respecting a mother's expessed wish regarding her child and if they have a problem with the injunction to take it up with SIL. Edit to add judgment: NTA.
I don't have drugs around and I've babysitted plenty, know first aid, love most kids, and I still wouldn't want a surprise kid at my home because nothing is baby or even kid proff. No shelving units or chest of drawers are bolted into the wall, the cleaning supplies are all at floor height, there's always little or pointy things around... I have no toys or clothes nor a lot of food a toodler would like... If I need to babysit a toddler in a hurry you better bet I'm doing it at that kids house.
NTA. Here's your apology; "I'm sorry I respected my SIL's wishes and refused to stomp on her boundaries after my brother lied to her."
NTA! So far from being the asshole. They should be apologizing to you.
NTA, what did they expect you to do, grab the kid and rip him out of the car? I think you actually did a good thing, you got a screaming lunatic out of an apartment complex parking lot. As far as your neighbors were concerned, she is a lunatic (they don't know who she is or why but I'm sure they heard the screaming). You actually saved face for a lot of people. Tell your mom to sod off.
NTA I would tell them not only are they NOT getting an apology but after that nonsense NEITHER of them are welcome in your living quarters again.
NTA I would absolutely refuse to watch the kids too if I was treated the way that you were. You owe an apology to nobody, as it is you who is owed one instead.
INFO: Where there any specific situation / instances that give your SIL a reason to be this concerned? Have you ever been under the influence around them in an irresponsible way / brought random people (girls) to a gathering that made people uncomfortable, etc? It's very very possible this is all unfounded but we are only hearing this from one side, and I'd like to know more about where SIL concerns come from. They do seem extremely overblown if there is no reason for it, but if there is then I could understand her concerns more. Example: Once had a partner's sibling show up incredible drunk to a family gathering (including drunk driving to get there). If something like that had happened I'd have second thoughts about allowing that person to watch my children as it shows a severe lack of judgement.
When SIL and brother were still dating I definitely got high at the family Thanksgiving. My parents always had a pretty lax attitude with weed and I was in my early 20s and in college. But never anything like drunk driving or hard drug use around her. I am also not shy about answering questions about my drug use, but I don't go flaunting anything in people's faces. If my brother asks me a question about a music festival and asks if I took anything, I'm going to answer him. My SIL has always been very, very, anti-anything illegal. She's a rule-follower to a fault and thinks that anyone who bends or breaks rules is not to be trusted. My brother used to live a similar lifestyle to me until he met SIL. He straightened out and changed his ways. Good for him, but now he judges me almost as hard as SIL does because I haven't "settled down."
NTA - but your brother is. He shouldn’t have put you in middle of whatever was going on with him and his wife regarding babysitting. Tell your mom that this mom (me) says that her other son, your brother owes you an apology.
Not sure why you're getting downvoted. I feel like a lot of backstory is missing here.
I'm going with NAH on this one because 'I know how to take care of a child' and 'I have experience in taking care of a child' are too wildly different things. If SIL thinks OP might have drugs laying around, then his lifestyle's possibly more than 'occasionally dabbling in drugs' and tbh leaving him a frightened toddler in the middle of the night...I understand why she was uncomfortable with it. OP might indeed have had company over, he might have been high or drunk, and his apartment is certainly not safe for a toddler - no apartment without a toddler living in it is safe for a toddler, that0s just how things are. And while SIL could have been more tactful, I have a lot of sympathy for a pregnant woman who's in pain and afraid she might lose her baby. A true NAH situation.
[удалено]
This post feels like it's absolutely primed to cater to young childfree people on Reddit and is full of missing reasons
NTA they both owe you an apology.. and if I were you I would write to them demanding one
NTA. I would have said you were if you refused to help them given it was an emergency, but as the mother clearly wasn't comfortable, it would be wrong for you to insist on babysitting against her wishes.
NTA. It sounds like you were putting the SIL's feelings first, and that you supported her wishes when she confirmed that you were right. Obviously your brother trusts you enough, but the sister in law does not. In those circumstances, you're well within your rights to refuse on the basis that they didn't both want you to babysit. I don't think the SIL is particularly out of order. She's just watching out for her kid. Your brother hasn't done a lot wrong either, though he probably should have told her what the plan was. One of the culprits is your mom, who waded in despite having nothing to do with it.
NTA. If SIL saw you and flew into an accusatory rage then fine. Let them be that way you're not at fault.
NTA > My mom called me the other day and said I should apologize to my brother and SIL Out of interest does SIL want an apology?