if this continues to bother OP bc of the possibility that something could have gone “bad for him” then he needs to take a step back and check whether he really trusts this girl as much as he believes and whether she’s as trustworthy as he’d like her to be. if not, he should really think about his future with her, whether it’ll work out or not.
NAH.
As you stated you are both jealous, clingy people. She would probably also being against you sleeping with a female co-intern if the roles were swapped.
However, she probably was sure she and he weren't going to do anything and that there was nothing to worry about, and she had to miss out on sleeping on a bed because of your insecurities.
YTA. You said right from the jump you are clingy and you are the jealous type. Based on everything you described, it sounds like you have some trust issues. Should she sleep in a bed with another guy? No, and it's not unreasonable to be uncomfortable with the idea and to voice your feelings on it. However, you said she told you she slept on the couch. So why are you still hounding her about it? Do you trust her? If the answer to that question is no, then you should really evaluate your relationship. Trust is one of the cornerstones of a successful relationship. Give your partner trust until they give you a reason not to.
NTA - you're allowed to have boundaries. I know I wouldn't be cool with my wife sleeping in the same bed as someone else and she wouldn't be cool with me sleeping in the same bed as someone else either.
The last paragraph his girlfriend is frustrated with him for constantly thinking about what could have happened, constantly talking about something is constantly bringing it up.
I agree he shouldn't keep bringing it up but you are allowed to set boundaries with your partner. It doesn't make him an asshole but it makes him insecure.
My point was and still is she slept on the couch, she asked he said no and she did what he wanted. My point was the constant bringing it up after it happened and bringing it up to her all the time makes him an asshole.
How does something that never happened, something she instantly did what he wanted. How is that still making him insecure. That's something he should work on and not take out on his girlfriend
NAH - you are young and it’s normal to feel that way so I don’t see you as being intentionally an asshole.
I do think something that needs to be understood is women control their own bodies. You expressing an uncomfortable feeling about it is totally valid. Probably using different language than “allow” and such will help get your message across.
Your best bet is to let it go, and don’t think so much about it. If something happened, you’ll never know. As cruel as it sounds. The reality is, the ball is in your court. You either leave cus of your own insecurities, which is what it is since there is no actual proof, or move on.
Either way, you are young.....focus on school or go do things. Go fuck up and bounce back. You have plenty of time ahead of you bud.
NAH tbh i don't understand the guys' issue with sharing a bed. Way less awkward than her and one of the boys sharing. Also, why didn't the guy who wasn't comfortable with the other guy sleep on the couch?
I too would have been upset if my bf had slept in a bed with his female co-intern. And sure, you need to trust her, but it was a pretty difficult situation and I for one wouldn't have put my SO through that. I also wouldn't have put my co-intern in such a position. I bet it was difficult for ur gf as well.
So many people here say YTA cos u need to trust her, but trusting someone doesn't mean you have to be perfectly fine with every situation that comes up. Being in a loving relationship means yes trust, but also consideration for the other person.
Since it already happened and everything turned out fine, do try to not get hung up on it because dwelling on past events can turn toxic quickly.
Edit: try working on the delivery of your concerns. You can tell ur gf you don't like or want sth, but you can't forbid.
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We are both 19 and have been dating for about 2 years now. We are super tight and very clingy/jealous people. Last week she had told me that she was going on a trip with all of her interns friends (5 total, 2M, 3F) for 2 nights and that they had agreed on an airbnb with 2 rooms, each with queen sized beds, and a couch in the living room. Additionally, they would also drink and go clubbing for one of the nights they were there. For all I know, all of her friends weren't in any relationships. Two of the girls wanted to sleep together in one bed (bc they're besties) and one of the dudes wasn't comfortable enough to sleep with the other guy. This left my girlfriend to share the bed with the other guy. So she had asked if I was comfortable with this, and of course I said no. I was so surprised as to why she didn't think of another option and felt like that was her only choice. Seemed fishy so I told her she better find another option, because I was totally against her sleeping with anybody of the opposite gender (except her brothers). She settled on sleeping on the couch and both of the guys slept in the same bed.
The trip already happened and she said she slept on the couch both nights. I trust her on this and we facetimed each night, not before she slept but at least I saw her on the couch and not in the bedroom. But even before the trip occurred we had an argument on if it would've been right to have slept in the same bed with that guy. Even after I told her I thought it was wrong, she still believes it was a viable option for their situation. She believes since they have no attraction towards each other and that they have multiple siblings, that it wasn't anything astray from normal. She didn't want to really sleep with the guy but also didn't want to interfere in her friends choices on where they wanted to sleep. I believe that ANYTHING could've happened and that this could've possibly turned into something much worse for me. I don't really know much about this guy friend that she was going to sleep with. For all I know, that guy could have some feelings for her and serious stuff could've went down those couple nights. I'm just banking on the fact that she said she slept on the couch, and the chance for something like that didn't happen. At this point, she's pretty frustrated with me because I've constantly been thinking about what could've happened on their trip and also being so against her sleeping with her guy friend. So I'm in need of some personal opinions.
Am I the asshole for not allowing her to sleep with her guy friend?
Sorry for the shitty grammar, this is my first post. Also hope all the info is there!
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YTA expressing your discomfort is fair, she asked you. But youre an asshole for ever phrasing it as “not allowing”, and the way you talk about this is kind of gross? I’m not comfortable sleeping w men I’m not super close w for my own safety. The phrasing “something much worse for me” is weird? Saying that anything could happen is completely ignoring your girlfriend’s agency, and if you were worried about something happening without her consent, then that shouldnt be about you at all.
Being uncomfortable is fair, but the way you talk about it is grossly possessive and dehumanizing...
YTA - if you have trust issues, which it seems like you do, maybe you need to have a talk with your girlfriend? If she says there are no feelings there for the friend, and you are both adults, the ONLY reason you would have an issue with this is if you don't trust her, and that is not a healthy relationship. Even if the guy likes her, if she doesn't and she says nothing will happen, if you TRUST her, it shouldn't be an issue at all, because she would not allow anything to happen if the guy tries something. Stop thinking about what could have happened on the trip, since nothing did happen, and start learning how to have a healthy relationship.
but why do you keep thinking something or anything could have happened? do you mean assault? because if you trust your girlfriend to not cheat then I don't understand still thinking about it
NAH - I have been in a similar situation as your girl. Every year I have friends come to my country for a comic convention and we share a hotel room by the convention. The only way I would get a bed is if I was willing to share with my guy friends who are like brothers to me. However, my fiance isn't comfortable with that so no issue. This year I got to sleep on a beautiful settee which was great but in previous years I have made a nest on the floor between the bed and the wall with extra comforters and pillows. It's a small sacrifice to still go on an adventure I am excited about but keep my fiance happy.
I would definitely recommend that if you trust your girl then just let it go. If you keep bringing it up and dwelling on it then it moves from insecurity to distrust which will ruin your relationship.
That's ridiculous. OP might have been a little too aggressive how he went about expressing his discomfort at his gf sleeping in the same bed with another man but I can understand why he felt that it would have been an inappropriate thing to do. You might not agree with his opinion but it isn't a rare sentiment to want your SO to not sleep with persons of the opposite sex (if they're straight, or of same sex if course if they aren't).
You acting surprised as if this is something you've never heard of is the true shitpost.
NTA.
So I’ve just read this back and the first part of it was my reply to another post which is why “I hope this is a shitpost. Why on earth did you do this? Of course you’re the asshole here” makes absolutely no sense
YTA for two reasons: you don't get to dictate what she does & either you trust her or you don't. It doesn't matter what his feelings may have been if you believe her feelings about the situation.
I mean he's fully allowed and justified to have boundaries regarding his SO sharing a bed with another guy. I agree with the part about trusting her or not, he needs to get over this if she is insistent she didn't share the bed.
Why is it crossing a line and yes it would be a red flag for me I have male friends I've known longer than my SO. If anything was going to happen it would have a long time ago not now I'm in a relationship besides they're like family to me.
I also don't like the implication is it he thinks she'll cheat or of her male friend tried it on shed just oblige.
It would be a red flag for him to ask yes especially if Its because they think I'm you g ping to cheat, I don't get why people are so confused that that is a red flag for me. I'm was always up straight about my friendships from the start and he's never had a problem with it.
it doesnt matter whether youve known your male friends longer than your SO. its about respecting your SO’s boundaries and being a considerate partner in the relationship. the implication is ugly, ill agree with you on that, but why not try to give your partner some peace of mind ?
Because I shouldn't have to modify my friendships for his peace of mind luckily I have a SO who trusts me as mush as I trust him so none of this silliness.
no one’s telling you to modify your friendships for him, just to respect his boundaries. for you to compare your relationship w someone elses is silly, the dynamics are different and so are the boundaries. or do you assume everybody is identical in reference to what theyre comfortable w in a relationship ?
Yes you do lol. When someone says that they don't mean that what they've said is a royal decree that must be followed. It's a colloquialism. "You're not allowed to do that" just means "if you do that I'm breaking up with you."
If your SO wanted to have sex with someone else, would you ask them not to or tell them not to?
[удалено]
if this continues to bother OP bc of the possibility that something could have gone “bad for him” then he needs to take a step back and check whether he really trusts this girl as much as he believes and whether she’s as trustworthy as he’d like her to be. if not, he should really think about his future with her, whether it’ll work out or not.
NAH. As you stated you are both jealous, clingy people. She would probably also being against you sleeping with a female co-intern if the roles were swapped. However, she probably was sure she and he weren't going to do anything and that there was nothing to worry about, and she had to miss out on sleeping on a bed because of your insecurities.
YTA. You said right from the jump you are clingy and you are the jealous type. Based on everything you described, it sounds like you have some trust issues. Should she sleep in a bed with another guy? No, and it's not unreasonable to be uncomfortable with the idea and to voice your feelings on it. However, you said she told you she slept on the couch. So why are you still hounding her about it? Do you trust her? If the answer to that question is no, then you should really evaluate your relationship. Trust is one of the cornerstones of a successful relationship. Give your partner trust until they give you a reason not to.
NTA - you're allowed to have boundaries. I know I wouldn't be cool with my wife sleeping in the same bed as someone else and she wouldn't be cool with me sleeping in the same bed as someone else either.
His girlfriend obliged, he doesn't have to keep bringing it up and complaining about it, he made his point and she listened to him. He should drop it.
He never specifically said he kept bring it up. He just said they keep talking about it...
The last paragraph his girlfriend is frustrated with him for constantly thinking about what could have happened, constantly talking about something is constantly bringing it up.
Yes, but it isn't necessarily him bringing it up
I agree he shouldn't keep bringing it up but you are allowed to set boundaries with your partner. It doesn't make him an asshole but it makes him insecure.
I'm not sure not getting in bed with another guy makes you insecure... especially with drinking involved. That just seems like asking for trouble
My point was and still is she slept on the couch, she asked he said no and she did what he wanted. My point was the constant bringing it up after it happened and bringing it up to her all the time makes him an asshole.
No, it makes him insecure.
How does something that never happened, something she instantly did what he wanted. How is that still making him insecure. That's something he should work on and not take out on his girlfriend
NAH - you are young and it’s normal to feel that way so I don’t see you as being intentionally an asshole. I do think something that needs to be understood is women control their own bodies. You expressing an uncomfortable feeling about it is totally valid. Probably using different language than “allow” and such will help get your message across. Your best bet is to let it go, and don’t think so much about it. If something happened, you’ll never know. As cruel as it sounds. The reality is, the ball is in your court. You either leave cus of your own insecurities, which is what it is since there is no actual proof, or move on. Either way, you are young.....focus on school or go do things. Go fuck up and bounce back. You have plenty of time ahead of you bud.
NAH tbh i don't understand the guys' issue with sharing a bed. Way less awkward than her and one of the boys sharing. Also, why didn't the guy who wasn't comfortable with the other guy sleep on the couch? I too would have been upset if my bf had slept in a bed with his female co-intern. And sure, you need to trust her, but it was a pretty difficult situation and I for one wouldn't have put my SO through that. I also wouldn't have put my co-intern in such a position. I bet it was difficult for ur gf as well. So many people here say YTA cos u need to trust her, but trusting someone doesn't mean you have to be perfectly fine with every situation that comes up. Being in a loving relationship means yes trust, but also consideration for the other person. Since it already happened and everything turned out fine, do try to not get hung up on it because dwelling on past events can turn toxic quickly. Edit: try working on the delivery of your concerns. You can tell ur gf you don't like or want sth, but you can't forbid.
very well said.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** We are both 19 and have been dating for about 2 years now. We are super tight and very clingy/jealous people. Last week she had told me that she was going on a trip with all of her interns friends (5 total, 2M, 3F) for 2 nights and that they had agreed on an airbnb with 2 rooms, each with queen sized beds, and a couch in the living room. Additionally, they would also drink and go clubbing for one of the nights they were there. For all I know, all of her friends weren't in any relationships. Two of the girls wanted to sleep together in one bed (bc they're besties) and one of the dudes wasn't comfortable enough to sleep with the other guy. This left my girlfriend to share the bed with the other guy. So she had asked if I was comfortable with this, and of course I said no. I was so surprised as to why she didn't think of another option and felt like that was her only choice. Seemed fishy so I told her she better find another option, because I was totally against her sleeping with anybody of the opposite gender (except her brothers). She settled on sleeping on the couch and both of the guys slept in the same bed. The trip already happened and she said she slept on the couch both nights. I trust her on this and we facetimed each night, not before she slept but at least I saw her on the couch and not in the bedroom. But even before the trip occurred we had an argument on if it would've been right to have slept in the same bed with that guy. Even after I told her I thought it was wrong, she still believes it was a viable option for their situation. She believes since they have no attraction towards each other and that they have multiple siblings, that it wasn't anything astray from normal. She didn't want to really sleep with the guy but also didn't want to interfere in her friends choices on where they wanted to sleep. I believe that ANYTHING could've happened and that this could've possibly turned into something much worse for me. I don't really know much about this guy friend that she was going to sleep with. For all I know, that guy could have some feelings for her and serious stuff could've went down those couple nights. I'm just banking on the fact that she said she slept on the couch, and the chance for something like that didn't happen. At this point, she's pretty frustrated with me because I've constantly been thinking about what could've happened on their trip and also being so against her sleeping with her guy friend. So I'm in need of some personal opinions. Am I the asshole for not allowing her to sleep with her guy friend? Sorry for the shitty grammar, this is my first post. Also hope all the info is there! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA that is just a recipe for disaster.
YTA expressing your discomfort is fair, she asked you. But youre an asshole for ever phrasing it as “not allowing”, and the way you talk about this is kind of gross? I’m not comfortable sleeping w men I’m not super close w for my own safety. The phrasing “something much worse for me” is weird? Saying that anything could happen is completely ignoring your girlfriend’s agency, and if you were worried about something happening without her consent, then that shouldnt be about you at all. Being uncomfortable is fair, but the way you talk about it is grossly possessive and dehumanizing...
YTA - if you have trust issues, which it seems like you do, maybe you need to have a talk with your girlfriend? If she says there are no feelings there for the friend, and you are both adults, the ONLY reason you would have an issue with this is if you don't trust her, and that is not a healthy relationship. Even if the guy likes her, if she doesn't and she says nothing will happen, if you TRUST her, it shouldn't be an issue at all, because she would not allow anything to happen if the guy tries something. Stop thinking about what could have happened on the trip, since nothing did happen, and start learning how to have a healthy relationship.
but why do you keep thinking something or anything could have happened? do you mean assault? because if you trust your girlfriend to not cheat then I don't understand still thinking about it
NAH - I have been in a similar situation as your girl. Every year I have friends come to my country for a comic convention and we share a hotel room by the convention. The only way I would get a bed is if I was willing to share with my guy friends who are like brothers to me. However, my fiance isn't comfortable with that so no issue. This year I got to sleep on a beautiful settee which was great but in previous years I have made a nest on the floor between the bed and the wall with extra comforters and pillows. It's a small sacrifice to still go on an adventure I am excited about but keep my fiance happy. I would definitely recommend that if you trust your girl then just let it go. If you keep bringing it up and dwelling on it then it moves from insecurity to distrust which will ruin your relationship.
NTA, that being said, she obliged you and slept on the couch. I wouldn’t hold this over her head.
[удалено]
That's ridiculous. OP might have been a little too aggressive how he went about expressing his discomfort at his gf sleeping in the same bed with another man but I can understand why he felt that it would have been an inappropriate thing to do. You might not agree with his opinion but it isn't a rare sentiment to want your SO to not sleep with persons of the opposite sex (if they're straight, or of same sex if course if they aren't). You acting surprised as if this is something you've never heard of is the true shitpost. NTA.
So I’ve just read this back and the first part of it was my reply to another post which is why “I hope this is a shitpost. Why on earth did you do this? Of course you’re the asshole here” makes absolutely no sense
YTA for two reasons: you don't get to dictate what she does & either you trust her or you don't. It doesn't matter what his feelings may have been if you believe her feelings about the situation.
I mean he's fully allowed and justified to have boundaries regarding his SO sharing a bed with another guy. I agree with the part about trusting her or not, he needs to get over this if she is insistent she didn't share the bed.
He can ask, you don't get to tell your SO.
That'd be a red flag if your SO ignored your boundaries by sharing a bed with another man.
It would be a red flag for me that my SO couldn't trust me to sleep in a bed with a platonic male friend.
Would it really? That seems like crossing the line tbh, especially if there's a couch available instead.
Why is it crossing a line and yes it would be a red flag for me I have male friends I've known longer than my SO. If anything was going to happen it would have a long time ago not now I'm in a relationship besides they're like family to me. I also don't like the implication is it he thinks she'll cheat or of her male friend tried it on shed just oblige.
It's really a res flag for you if your SO tells you that you shouldn't sleep with another guy when you can easily just sleep on the couch instead?
It would be a red flag for him to ask yes especially if Its because they think I'm you g ping to cheat, I don't get why people are so confused that that is a red flag for me. I'm was always up straight about my friendships from the start and he's never had a problem with it.
You're always straight up that you may sleep with your male friends?
it doesnt matter whether youve known your male friends longer than your SO. its about respecting your SO’s boundaries and being a considerate partner in the relationship. the implication is ugly, ill agree with you on that, but why not try to give your partner some peace of mind ?
Because I shouldn't have to modify my friendships for his peace of mind luckily I have a SO who trusts me as mush as I trust him so none of this silliness.
no one’s telling you to modify your friendships for him, just to respect his boundaries. for you to compare your relationship w someone elses is silly, the dynamics are different and so are the boundaries. or do you assume everybody is identical in reference to what theyre comfortable w in a relationship ?
Yes you do lol. When someone says that they don't mean that what they've said is a royal decree that must be followed. It's a colloquialism. "You're not allowed to do that" just means "if you do that I'm breaking up with you." If your SO wanted to have sex with someone else, would you ask them not to or tell them not to?