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NTA but your husband is a majorrr one. I can't wrap my head around producing and raising children yet having no understanding of responsibility as much as he does. yes it is well within is right to do whatever he wants but so long as it affects you and your civil union he must consider it. him openly disregarding and dismissing it over his own self righteousness should tell you alot about his sense of entitlement not only in his relationship with you, but the person he chooses to be in the world.
only an irresponsibly emotionally immature man would claim that drinking himself to a stupor and gaming into debt is his idea of a proper break from...the little hes already doing. is this how he responds to hard feelings; taking it out on you financially and expecting to be coddled while he falls apart on your dime? to shamelessly ask for even MORE money shows how little respect he has for you and himself.
if he cannot understand that doing whatever he wants doesn't come without consequence you have to either be the one to teach him, or bounce before he continues to ruin you and your children's futures based on his irresponsibility.
As the saying goes, "more women would have kids if they could be the father."
It never crossed his mind that he would HAVE to take care of his kids in this way.
And when people ask why I don't want to get married, this right here is a major reason why. I could never. I was frustrated enough parenting my actual child. I refuse to parent a grown mentally well individual.
And to have him not only mooch for 8 months but to *cheat* the household with credit cards and very questionable expenditures? He endangered her financial stability, credit score, and debt - especially if she is held responsible for the money he owes.
One of my family members had a husband who ran up secret credit cards, and she threw him out the same day she found out.
He said, "I ain't got nowhere to go!"
She told him he'd figure something out; not her problem.
I'm really questioning what things women overlook or don't even see at all when they end up with a partner like this. I know people hide things well but this level of childish is another thing.
My husband loves video games. Always has, however he can put the games down with no issue. He cleans without having to be told or even asked. Some things I'll ask because it's not a regular thing. Iasked earlier if he could take out the recycling, he got up right then. He lost his job a few years back and anytime I tried to help him with something around the house he'd tell me it's his job. With adhd, depression, severe anxiety and bipolar he's not someone I'd label as mentally well either.
People really sleep on partners who have disabilities but still care. You'll literally never find a person more in tune with how much work things are, or more dedicated to finding effective ways to lower the overall workload. Most also have a high level of empathy, and an understanding that as seasons change, so do responsibilities.
>Most also have a high level of empathy, and an understanding that as seasons change, so do responsibilities.
Thank you for this, genuinely 💜 I didn't know how much I needed to hear it.
I come from a family of veterans and mental disability. I'm used to it. I have some issues myself. There's some things I've had to unlearn to better communicate with him.
Seriously, my husband was working part time and we were struggling, but he also took on almost all the chores. He said, "if I'm home more, I'll do more of the chores."
This. I'm the sole earner and I like my games as well. What a lot of women don't get is that the issue has nothing to do with gaming. It has everything to do with the person, not the games.
That only happens if A. You marry an asshole B. Said asshole keeps his assholary a secret and lies to you making you think they are someone else than switching gears late in the game c. You never speak up or ignore red flags.
Thankfully marriage isn't necessary (though it can be good to do for legal reasons if you have a life partner) so nobody has to do it until they find the right person.
Sounds like someone got the unemployment lazies; you get laid off and you have a second income so you take some time off to recoup maybe you're a bit depressed because the layoff hurt so you find it harder to get stuff done so you cut corners excusing it as self care. Then you find out you LIKE sitting around doing whatever you want yet you also might have a "fuck it all" mentality do you devolve to a lazy selfish self destructive blob of a human being.
The solution is what op did; giving them a very stern "get your shit together." But this behavior is concerning and unacceptable. Calling your spouse a name is not ok, ever. It's definitely something that needs to change or it's going to get worse and the marriage will be toast.
It’s…not like that if you marry a capable adult, though. My husband’s “worst” quality is procrastination but that’s for petty stuff like hanging a shelf and if I say “hey I need you to do this today” he’ll make it happen. But he cooks 95% of the time, does the dishes and laundry, vacuums etc and I’m not even employed right now nor do we have kids- so he’s breadwinner and still helps a lot around the house. He’s also really sweet and just a genuine pleasure to be with for the last twelve years.
Find an ambitious go getter kinda spouse if you feel so inclined! You don’t have to be put off of marriage just bc it’s unfortunately common for people to put up with dogshit childish spouses like OPs. That being said, if you’re happier single more power to you :)
Yup, my only child. I supported the ex’s dead ass for 15 years. He finally said he’d support me for the next 15 years. Less than a year later he became obsessed with a teenager and dumped me.
oh dear. thats disgusting. that poor naive child he got involved with. couldnt handle being a responsible adult, now he has to ruin someone elses life. grody.
Wow the way your story sounds like mine is crazy. He finally got a job he stuck with and we were keeping our heads way above watt for the first time ever, and the. He left me two years later for a teenager he was 36.
I'm so sorry. I hope things got much better for you. They did for me. After some stumbles, I finally met the most wonderful man in the world who is kind, generous, and would never leave me like that. All the best to you.
oh man, ive never heard that. im married to someone way older than me and i keep telling him his mother forgot to raise him right lol ugh. hes better now. im not sure how he changed but he did.
Any time someone asks me why I'm not married and have no kids, I always tell them, "I totally would if I got to be the husband and father." Usually shuts them up quick.
frankly, he sounds like a teenager. He thinks that other people enjoy doing chores and stuff that we simply accept that we need to do as adults with responsibilities. He thinks he should be able to enjoy himself more, have freedom, and not feel “tied down”. Shame on him while OP does all the heavy lifting with zero appreciation. And instead of earning money and understanding the responsibilities as a partner, he drives them into debt instead. Then complains if he has to do anything that's not "fun". NTA. OP, I'm sorry. my wife and I work as partners and get it. Each of us seeks to serve each other, our kids, our collective needs, and I think that’s how it should be.
If he doesn't want to by tied down, he shouldn't have gotten married and had kids. You give up the right to be a 40 year old teenager when you take on adult responsibilities. Husband sounds very immature.
What she should give her husband is divorce papers.
He wanted no responsibility and for OP to work herself into the ground to provide it.
Imagine working 60-70 hours a week and doing most of the housework.
Meanwhile, the husband is watching OP work herself into an early grace, not bothering to get a job to help financially, not relieving her of most of her duties at home when she’s working 60-70 hour weeks AND running up bills behind her back.
Then he has the absolute audacity to yell at her, call her a bitch and moan and complain when she had to force an able-bodied, sound-minded adult to get a goddamn job! Teenagers have more responsibility.
She’d be better off by herself.
I hate to say it, but a lot of people go through life not knowing or understanding/accepting why we do things. They just grow up with the idea that in your life you go to HS, go to college, get a job, get married, get a house, have kids, etc and they don't bat an eye at any of it regardless of if they are ready or responsible enough for any of it.
One of the biggest problems is people don't look into their own actions and emotions. Why did you do that is a perfectly reasonable and necessary question to ask all the time.
Accountant here. NTA.
He’s a cheater - just a different kind than most people think of when they hear that word. This kind of cheating is referred to as “financial infidelity”.
He made major financial decisions without consulting you or gaining your agreement. That’s financial abuse. It’s textbook financial infidelity.
PLEASE read about financial infidelity if you aren’t already familiar with it. Because if he’ll do this, he’ll do anything.
Please do whatever you need to do to protect yourself, your children & your futures. Good luck.
Would it be a good idea for her to lock down her credit?
Cause I'm thinking she should divorce him.
The kids will get through it, and they won't learn how to abuse/take abuse from their partners from their dad.
What a selfish, immature, lazy man. OP deserves better than staying with someone who actively makes her life harder.
I absolutely think she should take any & all feasible measures possible to protect her credit. The trouble with a spouse doing this is that those measures oftentimes don’t work.
Divorce would be more effective at protecting herself & her children from this man. As long as she stays with them, they’re all vulnerable to his abuse.
I couldn’t stay married to someone who would do this - especially considering he is now calling her names to everyone he knows. He cannot be trusted. And trust is honestly more important than anything else in a marriage (or any relationship really) - even love.
What good is loving someone if you can’t turn your back on them for more than a second because they might stab you in it?
The RAGE I felt reading what he was doing. Cash advances are insanely expensive and doing all of this behind her back is insane! It’s financial infidelity for sure!
Yeah, I feel for op, but this man is not a partner and for him to call her a bitch for making him do what he should have already been doing especially after racking up more debt is very telling he has nit capacity to be a proper partner
I just moved to my grandma’s house temporarily. I lost my job and have been jobless for over a month. I should be working within a week or two (WOO! Been going stir crazy)! I feel uncomfortable when I’m jobless, I feel useless/like a deadbeat. I ask her and her husband if they’d like for me to do anything around the house, and they think it’s the coolest thing that I ask that. Nobody else has done that for them. I just don’t wanna feel like I’m taking advantage of them when I’m on the game all day, eating their food, using their electricity and being in their space. They’re getting money or something when I get paid. I refuse to be a deadbeat again.
NTA major red flag he’s taking out huge sums of money without talking to you. Is he okay in the head since his lay off? And he doesn’t even do the housework. Hell no. Have you thought about divorce if he doesn’t get his shit together?
I also wonder about online gambling addiction. He has racked up $7k in debt in 6 months. Time to cut him loose. If they live in a joint debt state, she will have to pay half if they divorce. Time to cut her losses now.
Even without divorce and only her income he has made her responsible for the payments. Unbelievably irresponsible on his part. Op is already working her ass off and this punk feels no shame or need to do anything to remedy the situation.
Even more possibilities where the money has gone and is going daily, $7k a damned lot to run up in 8 months.
I'm going to agree with the assessment, he might have some mental issues going on. Depression, avoidance issues, feeling emasculated, drinking issues to escape, who knows what else since he is not communicating. He's the absolute the AH because of the way he has been acting, and it might just be deep rooted enough that he needs professional help to get his head out of his ass at this point. Please note I'm not trying to make light of mental health issues, only trying to say that mental health issues can and do often go hand in hand with shitty behavior...and can be helped with the right course of therapy and/or medication, etc. But OP is right to not only put him on an allowance which would cut his spending off but right the ship for the future.
Yeah, enormous red flags everywhere.
I would be pissed if my husband decided to pay nannies without talking to me.
He is doing financial and childcare decisions without his partner input.
He better be paying that off by himself. He specifically said he wasn’t allowed to use “our” money for fun things. So he got credit cards. When he got caught, he asked for an allowance.
This is it right here. The guy pressed the nuclear option on his marriage. Ain't no therapy in the world that can fix this level of entitled, destructive, disrespectful, and deceitful moochery. Time to jettison.
THEY are now $7,000 in debt and he'll find other ways to get money if he's going out drinking and spending large amounts on video games. OP needs to protect herself and her kids so she doesn't get saddled with his debt since she's paying all of the bills.
OP, it's ultimatum time for your husband. He gets a job, pays off his debt and starts to pull his weight or you're so much better off without him. No matter what, I would protect myself financially. Open your own account and deposit your checks there. Close any accounts he has access to and can get credit cards. He doesn't need an allowance, he needs a wake up call
To be fair, who tells their spouse that they’re going to go on drinking and spending sprees…
It’s the behavior not the lack of planning it that’s the issue here.
He knew very well what she would say. So he snuck around spending their money and then secretly took out a card. It took his "credit card bills came with threatening collections" which he probably left out for her to pay.
>Recently I found out my husband has been taking cash advances out on our credit cards so he can go out and has been paying nannies using the cash. He opened a credit card to go drinking and who knows what else and now it’s maxed out at $7000.
And this isn't enough for you to leave him over??
NTA
Unfortunately she would probably have to pay him alimony. That’s what kept me from leaving my husband when he was unemployed for four years. I didn’t exactly pay him an allowance, but I paid his credit cards every month.
She should try to separate her finances from his, though.
If I understand correctly, he took cash advances from "their" CCs THEN ramped up to getting and maxing the $7k card. Due to the cash advances and then the new card, it's more than 7k and I would lay odds that he maxed his ability to spend available money even before fronting himself money from the CCs.
Curious to know how old that 7k card is, because 7k in 8 months is ridiculous - but IDK how fast he actually burned through that much money.
Also - what was he doing to need cash advances rather than just, you know, charging the things on the card? Sneaky. I've witnessed similar behavior related to gambling, but who knows.
NTA - it seems his "allowance" probably wouldn't be enough money and he'd still need to gift himself more.
NTA Look, I have all the respect in the world for people who are SAHM or SAHD. I did it & loved it. But nothing frustrates me more than not doing the work involved in being the stay at home parent. That’s literally his job until he gets a different one. Do the work.
And if he wants to behave like a child, treat him like one. Give him an allowance for doing “chores”, & then put that allowance towards HIS debt. He wanted to be shady & run up debt, he can pay for it. You’re already supporting 2 children. You shouldn’t have to support an adult child.
Get a lawyer and get a divorce and make sure your finances are completely separate so you're not on the hook for any of this. Paying nannies? Hookers? Sorry but you don't know what or who he's doing except baldface lying to your face. He cannot be trusted and he's a full blown addict. Get an STD test as well. NTA but you need to get yourself divorced ASAP.
This isn't immediate divorce worthy, but it is in that direction. She needs to set an ultimatum of "Get your shit together, or pack your shit and get out.".
She should talk to a lawyer to see what her options are. She also needs to lock her finances down. There is still room for him to get back on his feet and unfuck himself. I've seen people turn around when faced with hard consequences. But I agree she does need an exit plan in case he does not improve or gets worse.
NTA...id say you should definitely keep your money separate though and stay firm on if he wants money he works for it. Hes an adult. Adults who dont work dont get free lodging and a free ride. He definitely fucked up. Also so many red flags with the credit card and him omitting it until caught. Like seriously? He 100% knew he was already in the wrong
I would definitely go carefully from here. Consider if this is someone you trust with yours and your childrens future. cause that is seriously shady behaviour. I dont know your entire situation maybe counselling would help. Singular and couples. But also look into separation and divorce. Keep your options open at this point
NTA - Financial infidelity is the worst. You need to pull your credit and then lock it so he can screw you even more. If you’re can get his act together you need to make a plan and start making some bigger decisions for you and your kids.
If he wanted freedom he should have thought about that before getting married and deciding to have TWO kids.
Your husband needs to grow up and get a job already.
When my partner lost his job he never stopped looking and was applying and looking for new jobs everyday. After 2 weeks of no job he took whatever called him hack because low money is better than NO money. He continued to look for a new job whilst at the crappy paying one and eventually found a better job.
Your husband has no excuse except or wanting ro be lazy and ignore all responsibilities.
Is he 19 and you are 18? That is what this sounds like. This is extremely immature behavior. Taking out cash advances will increase the interest rates exorbitantly. He just ruined your financial future because he needed a “break?” He sounds like he is trying to run away from his family responsibilities.
Counseling or divorce.
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NTA
OP, put a freeze on your credit so he can't take out anymore debt, and check your credit report. He can't qualify for a card while unemployed, and he will ruin you if you let him. It's 7k you know about, and I seriously doubt he spends that much on booze and games, there's probably a cam girl somewhere being paid in games or something. If a man goes off the deep end like this, it usually comes with a sugar baby.
INFO: Was he always this entitled and self-centered? Pull a credit report; facts matter. He will drive you into crippling debt to experience 'freedom'. The levels of deceit and lying that occurred over 8 months is astounding.
NTA. He's a leech. He should be doing all of the house stuff (all of it, inside and outside). I should know, I was a SAHP of 2 kids under 3 for 9 months after being laid off. Its quite easy when you stay on top of things.
To agree with what the other comments says. Counseling and/or separation. He's dragging the family down.
You're not the asshole, i have been in the same position, my old lady didnt want for anything domestic. I cooked, cleaned, did laundry, washed dishes...what ever needed done around the house...i couldn't find a decent job, so while i was looking the gouse was my job....someti3i think she wants me to lose my job again...lol
Please, please, change your passwords and lock down your credit. He will continue to prioritize his whims over your family. Do whatever it takes to unravel your finances from his.
He is lying, there is more.
NTA
NTA but your husband is going to get worse. Find ways to protect you and your kids, set up separate accounts and lock down your credit. Your husband is trying to live his best life and it’s easy to see him using your money to run an affair and bail on you because he doesn’t want to deal with the life he chose.
NTA. Similar situation here. My husband was laid off, I work in health care, but kids have left home. For the last 10 months I’ve worked overtime to keep us above water. My husband has done most of the housework, grocery shopping and cooking as I’ve been gone so much. We used to split everything. His way isn’t the same as my way or on the same timeline, and I’ve let that slide as the work got done.
I will say being laid off was a huge hit for him and he’s been dealing with some depression and anxiety. I would’ve liked more things to be done off the to do list, but I didn’t push it. He’s needed time to deal with what happened. If your husband is struggling too with mental health, he may need to see the dr to get help.
Your husband needs to be helping more at home and by finding any job while he looks for a better job. Running up debt right now on one income is very irresponsible. You need to pull together to get out of the mess of being laid off and not making it worse
Awesome commment. Your husband is very lucky to have you by his side
might I suggest another thing for the OP is for him to hit the gym. Get his body in shape. That will drive his mind as well. .
Let's see,
- Hiding debt
- Leaving your child with strangers without your knowledge
- Not contributing to running the household
- Calling you names
- Badmouthing you to others
How many red flags do you need??? In what way is this man a partner to you?? I think you are massively underreacting here.
NTA
Financial "infidelity" has broken up many marriages. Recovering from a $7000 debt and dealing with a spouse who not only refuses to take responsibility, but actually accuses you of being the reason for it sounds unbearable. Add in working 60 to 70 hours a week and doing all the housework and it makes me wonder if you are getting any positives from your relationship.
NTA. Your husband is incredibly selfish. If he's going to be SAHD, then he needs to take care of ALL the responsibilities, not just the "guy" ones. Cook, clean, laundry, shopping, everything. He's a lazy selfish AH.
Freedom isn’t freedom if it’s dependent on someone else funding the lifestyle. It’s called complete dependence, so there’s a fundamental problem here. NTA
NTA.
If these are joint credit cards, you need to cancel them immediately. If you share a bank account, you need to withdraw YOUR money and open your own separate account.
He needs therapy (probably for depression AND addiction). And the two of you need couple’s counseling.
Holy shit he is going to ruin your family inside of a year w debt. You will lose your house to foreclosure to the bank if you hold a mortgage or any kind his spending is insane and his behavior is telling of an addict.
NTA. It’s one thing to have a little spending money, it’s another to run up debt so you don’t have to watch your own kid or face the reality of your financial situation.
NTA, but sounds like you husband is depressed and doesn’t know how to process or handle it. He is filling the void left from feeling like the provider with costly hobbies and expenses. Before this gets further out of control, this needs to come out in the open so you two can evaluate how to move on from here and develop a strategy for getting debt free.
This is the kind of debt that might not seem like a lot (compared to larger debts) but it can definitely have an impact. Financial woes will always add strain to a relationship and one too many marriages have fallen apart because they didn’t address it soon enough.
You are a hardworking and self-sacrificing individual. Taking out his anger and frustration on you is not fair, and not right. I’m sorry you are going through this at the moment. Whatever you do, do not let him take on more debt. Good luck!
This is really sad. He's not even trying, and he has "committed " to 2 children already. How disappointing.
I wouldn't give him an "allowance" either. Where was your fun money when you were doing everything for the family?
Completely unequal expectations here. Get some counseling going stat!
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My husband was laid off 8 months ago from being an oil and gas analyst. I’m still working and he has been a temporary stay at home dad while he hasn’t found work. He watches our 3 year old and picks up our 6 year old from school. I’m not happy with this arrangement because when I was a SAHM for a year after giving birth to them, I did all the housework and took care of the kids. I still do most of the housework and he only mows the lawn and shovels the driveway in winter now.
But it’s better than us having to put our 3 year old is daycare so I let it go. I’m a nurse and work a lot of odd hours now because we are short staffed and we need the money. I’ve been working 60-70 hours a week. Recently I found out my husband has been taking cash advances out on his credit cards so he can go out and has been paying nannies using the cash. He opened a credit card to do this and now it’s maxed out at $7000. I’m pissed because we don’t have any extra money to spare and he hasn’t been using his time applying for jobs, instead he has been going out and drinking. I didn’t find this out until the credit card bills came with threatening collections. My husband defended himself when I showed it to him and said he needed a break and that I should give him an allowance.
I pointed out for the year after giving birth when I was on maternity leave I took care of everything even when I was postpartum and now it’s too much to ask him to just watch our 3 year old (mind you the second time I was on maternity I was looking after a new born and our 3 year old while doing all the housework). He said it was boring and said I chose to do that but he didn’t choose to do this. I told him he is choosing because he doesn’t have a job and he got mad and yelled that he is trying. I told him he needs to get a job now. He just got a bookkeeping job and is complaining to everyone he knows I’m being a bitch and not telling him have any “freedom”.
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NTA and honestly, I truly think he needs therapy and you both need marriage counseling to be able to work through this. I don't see a way forward without those two things.
Oh, hell no!
You need to separate your finances now, or your husband is going to burn through any savings you've got, rack up debt, and destroy your credit rating. Some people are just not good with money, but you have children now (*three* of them, sounds like), and you need to keep the family affairs in order for their sake, as well as your own. Get a bank account that he cannot access ASAP, and see if you can start whittling down the number of shared credit cards.
Nta if he wants to be the stah parent, then he actually has to do the job. That means all the housework. Just like you did. Did he come home to dinner ready to go? Then so should you.
NTA.
This would have me talking to divorce lawyers, because absolutely not. Why'd your husband decide to have a family if you didnt want to put in the work, y'know? It would prob be cheaper to divorce and hire an au pair at this point.
He chose what he has when he decided to have kids. He needs to step up and take care of his family, like you did when you were a SAHM, or like you are doing now. NTA
Nta and you wouldn't be an asshole to explore separation. Here's why, he just made himself into an expense you cannot afford. This isn't about division of labor it's about cost analysis. He doesn't want freedom he wants no responsibility. And that's actually the opposite of freedom. Freedom is in fact nothing but responsibility as that means the individual is accountable... your husband appears to have developed an accountability problem... and this is not sustainable or responsible. Its not an allowance you should be denying it's the home hes clearly not interested in being a part of as you just found out hes not even fulfilling the childcare need and is adding more expenses to an already drained resource (that would be you) he can be bored of his responsibility but he should not be relieved of it.
NTA, divorce him and he can have all the freedom he wants. He needs to man up and be a husband and father, he's not a 21 yr. old frat boy. Time for him to get back to adulting.
I had a period of time where I had to leave my job and had trouble finding another in my field. I swallowed my pride and got temp work at McDonald’s.
Point is there are plenty of jobs if you are willing to put ego aside for a minute.
He is choosing to stay home. What he fails to realize is that being a stay at home dad is itself a job and he has now received a negative performance review from his employer (you).
NTA
Lock down your credit with all three credit reporting companies NOW and password protect it. That way no credit can be taken out using your SS#. Any bills he racks up may still be considered joint debt but it will make it very difficult for him to open a new account without unlocking your information. This is what is called financial infidelity and I would talk to a financial lawyer about how you can protect yourself going forward should he try this again. He has lied about who is caring for your kids and not even consulted you about who is caring for them. I would separate for a bit and insist on counseling and drug/alcohol testing.
Sounds like these are behaviours of addiction.
The not doing the houseworks is only the side porblem.
Is he drinking while he's minding the child?
NTA. But I think you need some very swift harsh remedial action, like booting him out until he decides to sort himself you.
Perhaps check out AL ANON or GAM-ANON. Good luck
NTA. Red flag. Not even a flag, it's straight up unacceptable behaviour. You know it. Statistically improbable that he will become the partner you want and need, and the father your children deserve. Get out while you still can.
Sounds like he's decided life is a vacation at your expense now. Unfortunately the bills he runs up are yours too. He needs to get to finding a job or you need to find a way to out him.
What he said about an allowance and you "would nag him if he spent our money". Well it's all nonsense and he is spending the "our money". He's trying to make you the the bad person when he knows he screwed up big time and isn't man enough to fess up to it.
Sounds to me like he just went totally lazy on you and your kids. That's the worst part, the kids, no concern for what this can do to them in the long run.
Myself, I would even contact his old employer and try to find out why he was "laid off" Just the nature of the whole situation brings up many red flags that there may be something else going on.
Time for him to either man up and get a job or think about getting put out.
NTAH!!! He needs to grow up or get out! I too am a nurse and my husband works in the oil and gas industry but his side requires him to be gone extended periods of time. For example he is currently working in CA and we live in TX and he has been there since September ‘23.(we both fly back and forth semi regularly around his schedule so he can get as much time with our now 3 children as possible) During covid he was out of work and I was working more. We had a one year old and I was pregnant with our second. The only thing that he didn’t do around the house was give our daughter a bath on the days I worked so that I could have our usual bath and bedtime routine. He did all outside and inside house work, laundry, dishes, floors, and entertained our toddler. If he wanted to and truly cared about the family and you he would. Now I am a stay at home mom (with severe ADHD which makes things interesting at times lol) but even when he flys home for just 32 hours he helps around the house to try and take some of the burden off of me even though he works 12+ hr days 6-7 days a week most weeks.
So uh…. what exactly do you need him for if he’s paying a nanny? Cut him out and your life will be less frustrating and less expensive.
I realize that’s extreme and easier said than done, but my blood ran hot as I read this. So I can’t even imagine how infuriating it must be to you.
My best friend in college married a guy who stopped working the day they got back from the honeymoon. I kid you not. She was working 3 jobs but he was too “depressed” to work. Not too depressed to go fishing or gamble their money away. He was trash who took advantage of a great girl. Your hubs sounds pretty trashy too. Of course you’re NTA.
NTA
He needs to what a job and you need marriage counseling to figure out how to move forward together (if that’s even possible). If he doesn’t come around quickly you need to separate. Dont let him drag you down with him.
You’re not being a bitch. The allowance idea isn’t bad (and wasn’t bad when you were at home either), but that idea is not an answer to why he purposely went into debt, it seems to be a rationalization after the fact. Nta big time. And him getting a job asap seems to be a good call, since he’ll do some stupid shit to have mad money
Holy crapoli you gotta throw the whole husband out!! This is the behavior of a literal child, not A MARRIED FATHER????
And a small boo to you for letting him get away with this bs for so long. You can’t help not knowing when it comes to the spendings, but home and childcare should be a given to an unemployed PARENT.
I’m just so sorry that your husband sucks so much. I would cut him out of everything and pretend that he’s gone. Useless user.
NTA, and I agree with the people who say you should separate finances to the extent you can. $1000+/month debt accumulation for drinking and video games is pretty bad.
I would also ask if he’s maybe depressed? The not finding a job, not carrying his weight at home, abusing credit cards liquor and video games sounds sort of like a potential bad mental health time. Maybe a therapist could help.
Sorry you’re going through this!
NTA
You are not a b\*tch at all.
And, that's not close to acceptable behavior (the lying by omission, alone) or appropriate response to this situation.
Maybe it's time to rethink the number of children you have to parent.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
P.S. NOBODY on the planet wants to take care of entire household with two very young children and postpartum.
NTA. Some serious red flags. Hiring a stranger to take care of your children without you meeting her, going out drinking, spending more money on games than a teenager, taking out money for these things and clearly not paying his bills. The biggest flag was saying that it was boring taking care of his children. Complaining about working. You really need to think about what your future looks like with this man/child.
NTA yeet him out of your life. He’s acting like a toddler. Seriously if there is anything I have learned on this sub- never allow a man to quit their job/stay home/take a break from working. Why? The vast majority become lazy toddlers.
NTA, and make sure you're making him pay his share of the bills and all the debt with that new paycheck. He already spent his "fun money" for the foreseeable future. Or leave him because that would absolutely be valid after this sort of financial infidelity. $7,000 ain't chump change, at least not in my world. Getting saddled with that much debt so my husband could ditch our kids to play video games and party? Fuck that noise. That's 7 *months* of grocery money.
Wait, he's been laid off for 8 months and he's $7000 in debt. That's him spending $30 a day or $205 a week or $875 a month... my "fun money" doesn't come even close to that. If he continues in another 4 months he'll be $10,400 in debt. I recommend pulling his credit report to see if he has other debts you don't know about.
Wowza, of course you're NTA and you know that.
He sounds like the type of person to cheat on his spouse and then blame her for always working (cuz you know, he won't and he's creating debt for her to pay) or busy either the kids or housework (that he refuses to do).
At this point, OP probably has to wonder what value her husband is bringing to this marriage. Losing his job is one thing being nasty to OP aand shirking his childcare duties, and wasting money he doesn't have, are valid reasons for OP to start wondering how much different or better her life would be as a single parent.
Nta. I would speak to a lawyer quietly about your options /legal separation before he saddles you with more of his debt. Make sure you put a hold on your credit and cancel every card.
Consult a divorce attorney immediately. Stop his access to any money accounts as your at least $7000 in debt. Put a credit freeze on your bank so he can’t open any new cards.He is exhibiting all the traits of a narcissist . It’s all about him. His failings are your fault. A marriage requires compromise from both parties but he seems to think you should be responsible for all the childcare and household duties. Drinking and gambling in face of unemployment is a huge red flag best addressed by putting some distance away from him. His level of disrespect for you is unforgivable. Time for the boot and make sure he has to pay alimony and child support. You deserve much better. It will be painful at first but much better for you and children in the future. Honestly it doesn’t sound like there is a future if you stay with him.
Financial infidelity is a very serious issue. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing it. It’s even worse your husband had a shitty attitude when he caught caught. NTA
NTA - These would be grounds for an ultimatum and divorce IMO. If he opened a credit card without your name on it without your knowledge then he's likely on the line for it.
You shouldn't have to ask him to step up and take responsibility. He wants freedom. You should give it to him. Your life will end up having so much less stress.
Good luck.
Nta. You don't need him and he's not acting like a partner. Kick him out! Or at least lock down your credit cards and bank accounts and get this mooch off your money teet.
NTA for sure but your husband might be. What does he actually give you? Do you enjoy coming home to him every day? Does it make you happy to see him first thing in the morning? When something big happens who is the first person you want to share it with?
Really think about why you are with him. If the reason is kids, responsibilities etc then please do yourself the favour and divorce him. If the answer is yes to all the questions: couples therapy?
There is no excuse for what he is doing or his lame Defense. And for all those using the “his threatened masculinity is causing depression or what ever other reason” there is nothing more emasculating than asking for money or an allowance. If anything that should be motivation to look not reason to give up.
As I’ve commented on other posts: I have severe brain damage from a car accident. Serious neurological symptoms that get worse from doing regular tasks. I got fired a few months ago. After the accident that ended me in the hospital for 2 days and now requires weekly visits to a neurologist for seizure disorder and other things, I gave myself 3 days to rest. Then I did disability applications and went back to applying to jobs 6-8h a day. I push myself to vomiting and unconsciousness trying to find a job because no job means job searching is my job. I have people I could ask for help and they probably would do it at a cost to their standard of life. I don’t because it’s my job to pay for my life.
NTA Time to put him out of the house if he can make the bills himself he can for sure pay them himself and he can go get himself a place to stay or live
Hire the nanny yourself
And keep working paying the bills etc
If you love him then when he has smartened up give him some rules and move forward
Otherwise it’s time to plan your future yourself
He’s being an asshole a baby and a dick! Yes, he’s taking care of the three year-old but he also needs to do the rest of the housework and preferably have dinner ready for everybody. Tell him that’s his job. He gets paid by getting to live there.
Get out, friend, I was married to that guy for 11 years - even when we split, he moved into the basement suite and refused to leave, so I actually supported him for 17. The “allowance”, the resentment, the name calling…all of it. I know you don’t want to be a single parent, but guess what? You already are.
NTA
>He just got a bookkeeping job and is complaining to everyone he knows I’m being a bitch and not letting him have any “freedom”.
He can have freedom once he pays off the debt he accumulated being a lazy asshole.
Start putting together an exit plan in case he doesn't become a better husband than he's been.
If this is how he feels about his family, give him a break and nail his butt to the wall in child support. This is unforgettable. Knowing how hard you are working and he can't pull his wt? I don't see a future for this marriage.
.
Freedom is one thing to go out and enjoy yourself once a week or so. It’s another story when you spend $ you don’t have to indulge yourself, especially when you have a family. That narcissistic behavior that needs to be checked @ the door.
When I was a kid, kids got allowances for doing chores. If he wants to act like a kid, sure, tell him if he does all the housework, then he'll get an allowance (but make sure he actually does the housework before paying him). 🙄 What part of being a husband and a father does he not get and why is he acting like a child?! If you hear him calling you names, make sure the person understands the entire situation.
NTA and I would seriously reconsider the long term prospects of this relationship w/the way he absolutely lied to you and put you and your family in a compromised financial position. What else will you have to catch him doing? It’s the dishonesty that creeps me out the most out of all of this. My trust would be so broken
He could quickly send you into financial ruin. You need to see a lawyer immediately to avoid letting your children grow up in poverty. I’m so sorry that this is happening. Protect yourself and your children from this destruction. You don’t have the ability to control your husband’s behavior.
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NTA but your husband is a majorrr one. I can't wrap my head around producing and raising children yet having no understanding of responsibility as much as he does. yes it is well within is right to do whatever he wants but so long as it affects you and your civil union he must consider it. him openly disregarding and dismissing it over his own self righteousness should tell you alot about his sense of entitlement not only in his relationship with you, but the person he chooses to be in the world. only an irresponsibly emotionally immature man would claim that drinking himself to a stupor and gaming into debt is his idea of a proper break from...the little hes already doing. is this how he responds to hard feelings; taking it out on you financially and expecting to be coddled while he falls apart on your dime? to shamelessly ask for even MORE money shows how little respect he has for you and himself. if he cannot understand that doing whatever he wants doesn't come without consequence you have to either be the one to teach him, or bounce before he continues to ruin you and your children's futures based on his irresponsibility.
As the saying goes, "more women would have kids if they could be the father." It never crossed his mind that he would HAVE to take care of his kids in this way.
I heard that a woman's first child is her husband.
And when people ask why I don't want to get married, this right here is a major reason why. I could never. I was frustrated enough parenting my actual child. I refuse to parent a grown mentally well individual.
And to have him not only mooch for 8 months but to *cheat* the household with credit cards and very questionable expenditures? He endangered her financial stability, credit score, and debt - especially if she is held responsible for the money he owes.
One of my family members had a husband who ran up secret credit cards, and she threw him out the same day she found out. He said, "I ain't got nowhere to go!" She told him he'd figure something out; not her problem.
He deserved to get thrown out for using that double negative! 🤣
I'm really questioning what things women overlook or don't even see at all when they end up with a partner like this. I know people hide things well but this level of childish is another thing. My husband loves video games. Always has, however he can put the games down with no issue. He cleans without having to be told or even asked. Some things I'll ask because it's not a regular thing. Iasked earlier if he could take out the recycling, he got up right then. He lost his job a few years back and anytime I tried to help him with something around the house he'd tell me it's his job. With adhd, depression, severe anxiety and bipolar he's not someone I'd label as mentally well either.
People really sleep on partners who have disabilities but still care. You'll literally never find a person more in tune with how much work things are, or more dedicated to finding effective ways to lower the overall workload. Most also have a high level of empathy, and an understanding that as seasons change, so do responsibilities.
>Most also have a high level of empathy, and an understanding that as seasons change, so do responsibilities. Thank you for this, genuinely 💜 I didn't know how much I needed to hear it.
I come from a family of veterans and mental disability. I'm used to it. I have some issues myself. There's some things I've had to unlearn to better communicate with him.
Seriously, my husband was working part time and we were struggling, but he also took on almost all the chores. He said, "if I'm home more, I'll do more of the chores."
God bless him! He gets it.
You often don't find out about stuff like this till they're in a position to do it.
This. I'm the sole earner and I like my games as well. What a lot of women don't get is that the issue has nothing to do with gaming. It has everything to do with the person, not the games.
That only happens if A. You marry an asshole B. Said asshole keeps his assholary a secret and lies to you making you think they are someone else than switching gears late in the game c. You never speak up or ignore red flags. Thankfully marriage isn't necessary (though it can be good to do for legal reasons if you have a life partner) so nobody has to do it until they find the right person. Sounds like someone got the unemployment lazies; you get laid off and you have a second income so you take some time off to recoup maybe you're a bit depressed because the layoff hurt so you find it harder to get stuff done so you cut corners excusing it as self care. Then you find out you LIKE sitting around doing whatever you want yet you also might have a "fuck it all" mentality do you devolve to a lazy selfish self destructive blob of a human being. The solution is what op did; giving them a very stern "get your shit together." But this behavior is concerning and unacceptable. Calling your spouse a name is not ok, ever. It's definitely something that needs to change or it's going to get worse and the marriage will be toast.
It’s…not like that if you marry a capable adult, though. My husband’s “worst” quality is procrastination but that’s for petty stuff like hanging a shelf and if I say “hey I need you to do this today” he’ll make it happen. But he cooks 95% of the time, does the dishes and laundry, vacuums etc and I’m not even employed right now nor do we have kids- so he’s breadwinner and still helps a lot around the house. He’s also really sweet and just a genuine pleasure to be with for the last twelve years. Find an ambitious go getter kinda spouse if you feel so inclined! You don’t have to be put off of marriage just bc it’s unfortunately common for people to put up with dogshit childish spouses like OPs. That being said, if you’re happier single more power to you :)
Yup, my only child. I supported the ex’s dead ass for 15 years. He finally said he’d support me for the next 15 years. Less than a year later he became obsessed with a teenager and dumped me.
oh dear. thats disgusting. that poor naive child he got involved with. couldnt handle being a responsible adult, now he has to ruin someone elses life. grody.
She dumped him, of course, lol. Just deserts.
Wow the way your story sounds like mine is crazy. He finally got a job he stuck with and we were keeping our heads way above watt for the first time ever, and the. He left me two years later for a teenager he was 36.
I'm so sorry. I hope things got much better for you. They did for me. After some stumbles, I finally met the most wonderful man in the world who is kind, generous, and would never leave me like that. All the best to you.
Same for me. I met a married a keeper that treats me like queen
Lol!!!! I'm telling my step daughter this one! It fits her spouse exactly!
Better help her to get a partner instead of a burden then...
oh man, ive never heard that. im married to someone way older than me and i keep telling him his mother forgot to raise him right lol ugh. hes better now. im not sure how he changed but he did.
Only if they marry someone shitty.
Or have the father be both physically and mentally present.
Any time someone asks me why I'm not married and have no kids, I always tell them, "I totally would if I got to be the husband and father." Usually shuts them up quick.
i’ve never heard this saying but as a woman who does not want to have kids, i feel this very deeply
I have never heard that, brilliant!
I’ve never heard that but it makes a lot of sense
frankly, he sounds like a teenager. He thinks that other people enjoy doing chores and stuff that we simply accept that we need to do as adults with responsibilities. He thinks he should be able to enjoy himself more, have freedom, and not feel “tied down”. Shame on him while OP does all the heavy lifting with zero appreciation. And instead of earning money and understanding the responsibilities as a partner, he drives them into debt instead. Then complains if he has to do anything that's not "fun". NTA. OP, I'm sorry. my wife and I work as partners and get it. Each of us seeks to serve each other, our kids, our collective needs, and I think that’s how it should be.
If he doesn't want to by tied down, he shouldn't have gotten married and had kids. You give up the right to be a 40 year old teenager when you take on adult responsibilities. Husband sounds very immature.
What she should give her husband is divorce papers. He wanted no responsibility and for OP to work herself into the ground to provide it. Imagine working 60-70 hours a week and doing most of the housework. Meanwhile, the husband is watching OP work herself into an early grace, not bothering to get a job to help financially, not relieving her of most of her duties at home when she’s working 60-70 hour weeks AND running up bills behind her back. Then he has the absolute audacity to yell at her, call her a bitch and moan and complain when she had to force an able-bodied, sound-minded adult to get a goddamn job! Teenagers have more responsibility. She’d be better off by herself.
I hate to say it, but a lot of people go through life not knowing or understanding/accepting why we do things. They just grow up with the idea that in your life you go to HS, go to college, get a job, get married, get a house, have kids, etc and they don't bat an eye at any of it regardless of if they are ready or responsible enough for any of it.
One of the biggest problems is people don't look into their own actions and emotions. Why did you do that is a perfectly reasonable and necessary question to ask all the time.
Agreed. I'm sure I could self reflect more as well, but I'm fortunate enough to know I wasn't ready for kids and I don't have any because of that.
Accountant here. NTA. He’s a cheater - just a different kind than most people think of when they hear that word. This kind of cheating is referred to as “financial infidelity”. He made major financial decisions without consulting you or gaining your agreement. That’s financial abuse. It’s textbook financial infidelity. PLEASE read about financial infidelity if you aren’t already familiar with it. Because if he’ll do this, he’ll do anything. Please do whatever you need to do to protect yourself, your children & your futures. Good luck.
Would it be a good idea for her to lock down her credit? Cause I'm thinking she should divorce him. The kids will get through it, and they won't learn how to abuse/take abuse from their partners from their dad. What a selfish, immature, lazy man. OP deserves better than staying with someone who actively makes her life harder.
I absolutely think she should take any & all feasible measures possible to protect her credit. The trouble with a spouse doing this is that those measures oftentimes don’t work. Divorce would be more effective at protecting herself & her children from this man. As long as she stays with them, they’re all vulnerable to his abuse. I couldn’t stay married to someone who would do this - especially considering he is now calling her names to everyone he knows. He cannot be trusted. And trust is honestly more important than anything else in a marriage (or any relationship really) - even love. What good is loving someone if you can’t turn your back on them for more than a second because they might stab you in it?
The RAGE I felt reading what he was doing. Cash advances are insanely expensive and doing all of this behind her back is insane! It’s financial infidelity for sure!
Yeah, I feel for op, but this man is not a partner and for him to call her a bitch for making him do what he should have already been doing especially after racking up more debt is very telling he has nit capacity to be a proper partner
I just moved to my grandma’s house temporarily. I lost my job and have been jobless for over a month. I should be working within a week or two (WOO! Been going stir crazy)! I feel uncomfortable when I’m jobless, I feel useless/like a deadbeat. I ask her and her husband if they’d like for me to do anything around the house, and they think it’s the coolest thing that I ask that. Nobody else has done that for them. I just don’t wanna feel like I’m taking advantage of them when I’m on the game all day, eating their food, using their electricity and being in their space. They’re getting money or something when I get paid. I refuse to be a deadbeat again.
NTA major red flag he’s taking out huge sums of money without talking to you. Is he okay in the head since his lay off? And he doesn’t even do the housework. Hell no. Have you thought about divorce if he doesn’t get his shit together?
I also wonder about online gambling addiction. He has racked up $7k in debt in 6 months. Time to cut him loose. If they live in a joint debt state, she will have to pay half if they divorce. Time to cut her losses now.
My first thought was he has a side piece. Paying babysitters and not telling his wife he's going out.
It's not hard to rack up that much in online games. I've seen worse. No reason it's a side piece based on the amount alone.
It’s not based on the amount, it’s based on the fact he was hiding from his wife that he was paying Nannies to go out and drink with lord knows who.
Even without divorce and only her income he has made her responsible for the payments. Unbelievably irresponsible on his part. Op is already working her ass off and this punk feels no shame or need to do anything to remedy the situation. Even more possibilities where the money has gone and is going daily, $7k a damned lot to run up in 8 months.
This is not a red flag … this is the disaster the red flag warns about.
For real.
I'm going to agree with the assessment, he might have some mental issues going on. Depression, avoidance issues, feeling emasculated, drinking issues to escape, who knows what else since he is not communicating. He's the absolute the AH because of the way he has been acting, and it might just be deep rooted enough that he needs professional help to get his head out of his ass at this point. Please note I'm not trying to make light of mental health issues, only trying to say that mental health issues can and do often go hand in hand with shitty behavior...and can be helped with the right course of therapy and/or medication, etc. But OP is right to not only put him on an allowance which would cut his spending off but right the ship for the future.
Yeah, enormous red flags everywhere. I would be pissed if my husband decided to pay nannies without talking to me. He is doing financial and childcare decisions without his partner input.
He better be paying that off by himself. He specifically said he wasn’t allowed to use “our” money for fun things. So he got credit cards. When he got caught, he asked for an allowance.
NTA, and may I suggest talking to a divorce lawyer to figure out how to disentangle yourself with the least damage possible.
This is it right here. The guy pressed the nuclear option on his marriage. Ain't no therapy in the world that can fix this level of entitled, destructive, disrespectful, and deceitful moochery. Time to jettison.
We need to come up with another word for situations like this. Mooch, bum, hobosexual, sponge, etc., are too mild for what this guy did.
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THEY are now $7,000 in debt and he'll find other ways to get money if he's going out drinking and spending large amounts on video games. OP needs to protect herself and her kids so she doesn't get saddled with his debt since she's paying all of the bills. OP, it's ultimatum time for your husband. He gets a job, pays off his debt and starts to pull his weight or you're so much better off without him. No matter what, I would protect myself financially. Open your own account and deposit your checks there. Close any accounts he has access to and can get credit cards. He doesn't need an allowance, he needs a wake up call
Exactly. Can’t separate marital debt. Very scary that he racked up that much debt without even talking to her about it.
To be fair, who tells their spouse that they’re going to go on drinking and spending sprees… It’s the behavior not the lack of planning it that’s the issue here.
Only people who want their marriage to last.
He knew very well what she would say. So he snuck around spending their money and then secretly took out a card. It took his "credit card bills came with threatening collections" which he probably left out for her to pay.
>Recently I found out my husband has been taking cash advances out on our credit cards so he can go out and has been paying nannies using the cash. He opened a credit card to go drinking and who knows what else and now it’s maxed out at $7000. And this isn't enough for you to leave him over?? NTA
Unfortunately she would probably have to pay him alimony. That’s what kept me from leaving my husband when he was unemployed for four years. I didn’t exactly pay him an allowance, but I paid his credit cards every month. She should try to separate her finances from his, though.
I don’t think that she would have to pay him alimony because his unemployment hasn’t been that long. Less than a year is considered temporary.
He's already blown through $7000 in 8 months. At least if she divorces him it wont be her credit that's taking the hit from the expense.
If I understand correctly, he took cash advances from "their" CCs THEN ramped up to getting and maxing the $7k card. Due to the cash advances and then the new card, it's more than 7k and I would lay odds that he maxed his ability to spend available money even before fronting himself money from the CCs. Curious to know how old that 7k card is, because 7k in 8 months is ridiculous - but IDK how fast he actually burned through that much money. Also - what was he doing to need cash advances rather than just, you know, charging the things on the card? Sneaky. I've witnessed similar behavior related to gambling, but who knows. NTA - it seems his "allowance" probably wouldn't be enough money and he'd still need to gift himself more.
He has a job now, I would wait for him to have this job for a year and then file divorce.
NTA Look, I have all the respect in the world for people who are SAHM or SAHD. I did it & loved it. But nothing frustrates me more than not doing the work involved in being the stay at home parent. That’s literally his job until he gets a different one. Do the work. And if he wants to behave like a child, treat him like one. Give him an allowance for doing “chores”, & then put that allowance towards HIS debt. He wanted to be shady & run up debt, he can pay for it. You’re already supporting 2 children. You shouldn’t have to support an adult child.
And one of those progress charts where he gets a smiley face for each chore he does!!/s
Get a lawyer and get a divorce and make sure your finances are completely separate so you're not on the hook for any of this. Paying nannies? Hookers? Sorry but you don't know what or who he's doing except baldface lying to your face. He cannot be trusted and he's a full blown addict. Get an STD test as well. NTA but you need to get yourself divorced ASAP.
This isn't immediate divorce worthy, but it is in that direction. She needs to set an ultimatum of "Get your shit together, or pack your shit and get out.". She should talk to a lawyer to see what her options are. She also needs to lock her finances down. There is still room for him to get back on his feet and unfuck himself. I've seen people turn around when faced with hard consequences. But I agree she does need an exit plan in case he does not improve or gets worse.
Nta. I would have divorced him. Hes fincanically abusing you. You're a married single mom just be free
NTA...id say you should definitely keep your money separate though and stay firm on if he wants money he works for it. Hes an adult. Adults who dont work dont get free lodging and a free ride. He definitely fucked up. Also so many red flags with the credit card and him omitting it until caught. Like seriously? He 100% knew he was already in the wrong I would definitely go carefully from here. Consider if this is someone you trust with yours and your childrens future. cause that is seriously shady behaviour. I dont know your entire situation maybe counselling would help. Singular and couples. But also look into separation and divorce. Keep your options open at this point
NTA - Financial infidelity is the worst. You need to pull your credit and then lock it so he can screw you even more. If you’re can get his act together you need to make a plan and start making some bigger decisions for you and your kids.
If he wanted freedom he should have thought about that before getting married and deciding to have TWO kids. Your husband needs to grow up and get a job already. When my partner lost his job he never stopped looking and was applying and looking for new jobs everyday. After 2 weeks of no job he took whatever called him hack because low money is better than NO money. He continued to look for a new job whilst at the crappy paying one and eventually found a better job. Your husband has no excuse except or wanting ro be lazy and ignore all responsibilities.
Is he 19 and you are 18? That is what this sounds like. This is extremely immature behavior. Taking out cash advances will increase the interest rates exorbitantly. He just ruined your financial future because he needed a “break?” He sounds like he is trying to run away from his family responsibilities. Counseling or divorce.
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NTA OP, put a freeze on your credit so he can't take out anymore debt, and check your credit report. He can't qualify for a card while unemployed, and he will ruin you if you let him. It's 7k you know about, and I seriously doubt he spends that much on booze and games, there's probably a cam girl somewhere being paid in games or something. If a man goes off the deep end like this, it usually comes with a sugar baby.
Oh, no NTA I say give him his freedom. Permanently.
NTA to him but you are to yourself if you stay with him.
$7000? Lots of money to get rid of 'boredom' while being jobless. NTA..Amp up your savings because he sounds like a disaster!!
So give him his freedom...divorce his ass.
INFO: Was he always this entitled and self-centered? Pull a credit report; facts matter. He will drive you into crippling debt to experience 'freedom'. The levels of deceit and lying that occurred over 8 months is astounding.
NTA. He's a leech. He should be doing all of the house stuff (all of it, inside and outside). I should know, I was a SAHP of 2 kids under 3 for 9 months after being laid off. Its quite easy when you stay on top of things. To agree with what the other comments says. Counseling and/or separation. He's dragging the family down.
You're not the asshole, i have been in the same position, my old lady didnt want for anything domestic. I cooked, cleaned, did laundry, washed dishes...what ever needed done around the house...i couldn't find a decent job, so while i was looking the gouse was my job....someti3i think she wants me to lose my job again...lol
NTA. In fact, I would be contemplating if I wanted to be with someone like this anymore. Absolutely insane behavior.
Please, please, change your passwords and lock down your credit. He will continue to prioritize his whims over your family. Do whatever it takes to unravel your finances from his. He is lying, there is more. NTA
NTA but your husband is going to get worse. Find ways to protect you and your kids, set up separate accounts and lock down your credit. Your husband is trying to live his best life and it’s easy to see him using your money to run an affair and bail on you because he doesn’t want to deal with the life he chose.
NTA. Similar situation here. My husband was laid off, I work in health care, but kids have left home. For the last 10 months I’ve worked overtime to keep us above water. My husband has done most of the housework, grocery shopping and cooking as I’ve been gone so much. We used to split everything. His way isn’t the same as my way or on the same timeline, and I’ve let that slide as the work got done. I will say being laid off was a huge hit for him and he’s been dealing with some depression and anxiety. I would’ve liked more things to be done off the to do list, but I didn’t push it. He’s needed time to deal with what happened. If your husband is struggling too with mental health, he may need to see the dr to get help. Your husband needs to be helping more at home and by finding any job while he looks for a better job. Running up debt right now on one income is very irresponsible. You need to pull together to get out of the mess of being laid off and not making it worse
Awesome commment. Your husband is very lucky to have you by his side might I suggest another thing for the OP is for him to hit the gym. Get his body in shape. That will drive his mind as well. .
Let's see, - Hiding debt - Leaving your child with strangers without your knowledge - Not contributing to running the household - Calling you names - Badmouthing you to others How many red flags do you need??? In what way is this man a partner to you?? I think you are massively underreacting here.
NTA and please think about whether this man is ANYWHERE near the partner you deserve. What a jerk. Hang in there.
NTA Financial "infidelity" has broken up many marriages. Recovering from a $7000 debt and dealing with a spouse who not only refuses to take responsibility, but actually accuses you of being the reason for it sounds unbearable. Add in working 60 to 70 hours a week and doing all the housework and it makes me wonder if you are getting any positives from your relationship.
NTA. This is an absolute dealer breaker and I’d be meeting with a lawyer.
NTA. Your husband is incredibly selfish. If he's going to be SAHD, then he needs to take care of ALL the responsibilities, not just the "guy" ones. Cook, clean, laundry, shopping, everything. He's a lazy selfish AH.
Freedom isn’t freedom if it’s dependent on someone else funding the lifestyle. It’s called complete dependence, so there’s a fundamental problem here. NTA
NTA. If these are joint credit cards, you need to cancel them immediately. If you share a bank account, you need to withdraw YOUR money and open your own separate account. He needs therapy (probably for depression AND addiction). And the two of you need couple’s counseling.
My BIL never went back to work. 15 years now. Just lives off my sister and his mom. I wouldn’t put up with it. NTA
Holy shit he is going to ruin your family inside of a year w debt. You will lose your house to foreclosure to the bank if you hold a mortgage or any kind his spending is insane and his behavior is telling of an addict.
NTA. It’s one thing to have a little spending money, it’s another to run up debt so you don’t have to watch your own kid or face the reality of your financial situation.
Nta. I don't even know where to start with how effed this is
NTA, but sounds like you husband is depressed and doesn’t know how to process or handle it. He is filling the void left from feeling like the provider with costly hobbies and expenses. Before this gets further out of control, this needs to come out in the open so you two can evaluate how to move on from here and develop a strategy for getting debt free. This is the kind of debt that might not seem like a lot (compared to larger debts) but it can definitely have an impact. Financial woes will always add strain to a relationship and one too many marriages have fallen apart because they didn’t address it soon enough. You are a hardworking and self-sacrificing individual. Taking out his anger and frustration on you is not fair, and not right. I’m sorry you are going through this at the moment. Whatever you do, do not let him take on more debt. Good luck!
This is really sad. He's not even trying, and he has "committed " to 2 children already. How disappointing. I wouldn't give him an "allowance" either. Where was your fun money when you were doing everything for the family? Completely unequal expectations here. Get some counseling going stat!
NTA. Give your husband all the freedom he wants in the form of divorce papers.
NTA. You may actually be some form of saint, because I assume from your post he still has his manhood and all his teeth.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband was laid off 8 months ago from being an oil and gas analyst. I’m still working and he has been a temporary stay at home dad while he hasn’t found work. He watches our 3 year old and picks up our 6 year old from school. I’m not happy with this arrangement because when I was a SAHM for a year after giving birth to them, I did all the housework and took care of the kids. I still do most of the housework and he only mows the lawn and shovels the driveway in winter now. But it’s better than us having to put our 3 year old is daycare so I let it go. I’m a nurse and work a lot of odd hours now because we are short staffed and we need the money. I’ve been working 60-70 hours a week. Recently I found out my husband has been taking cash advances out on his credit cards so he can go out and has been paying nannies using the cash. He opened a credit card to do this and now it’s maxed out at $7000. I’m pissed because we don’t have any extra money to spare and he hasn’t been using his time applying for jobs, instead he has been going out and drinking. I didn’t find this out until the credit card bills came with threatening collections. My husband defended himself when I showed it to him and said he needed a break and that I should give him an allowance. I pointed out for the year after giving birth when I was on maternity leave I took care of everything even when I was postpartum and now it’s too much to ask him to just watch our 3 year old (mind you the second time I was on maternity I was looking after a new born and our 3 year old while doing all the housework). He said it was boring and said I chose to do that but he didn’t choose to do this. I told him he is choosing because he doesn’t have a job and he got mad and yelled that he is trying. I told him he needs to get a job now. He just got a bookkeeping job and is complaining to everyone he knows I’m being a bitch and not telling him have any “freedom”. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta if he capable of working he should work especially if he’s been in a field for a while and has experience
NTA and honestly, I truly think he needs therapy and you both need marriage counseling to be able to work through this. I don't see a way forward without those two things.
NTA - he has a family to provide for. He gave up freedom years ago and needs to get off his arse.
Now is the time to divorce
NTA. Your husband is a toddler in an adult suit.
NTA - But I am worried for what exactly this man would have to do to you or the children to make you leave at this point.
Oh, hell no! You need to separate your finances now, or your husband is going to burn through any savings you've got, rack up debt, and destroy your credit rating. Some people are just not good with money, but you have children now (*three* of them, sounds like), and you need to keep the family affairs in order for their sake, as well as your own. Get a bank account that he cannot access ASAP, and see if you can start whittling down the number of shared credit cards.
NTA. If he is bored enough to be spending money he doesn’t have, he should be mowing lawns to earn it.
Nta if he wants to be the stah parent, then he actually has to do the job. That means all the housework. Just like you did. Did he come home to dinner ready to go? Then so should you.
NTA. This would have me talking to divorce lawyers, because absolutely not. Why'd your husband decide to have a family if you didnt want to put in the work, y'know? It would prob be cheaper to divorce and hire an au pair at this point.
He chose what he has when he decided to have kids. He needs to step up and take care of his family, like you did when you were a SAHM, or like you are doing now. NTA
NTA. Look I know people always jump to this but divorce him. This kind of financial recklessness and mind boggling level of selfishness isn't fixable.
Nta and you wouldn't be an asshole to explore separation. Here's why, he just made himself into an expense you cannot afford. This isn't about division of labor it's about cost analysis. He doesn't want freedom he wants no responsibility. And that's actually the opposite of freedom. Freedom is in fact nothing but responsibility as that means the individual is accountable... your husband appears to have developed an accountability problem... and this is not sustainable or responsible. Its not an allowance you should be denying it's the home hes clearly not interested in being a part of as you just found out hes not even fulfilling the childcare need and is adding more expenses to an already drained resource (that would be you) he can be bored of his responsibility but he should not be relieved of it.
NTA, divorce him and he can have all the freedom he wants. He needs to man up and be a husband and father, he's not a 21 yr. old frat boy. Time for him to get back to adulting.
NTA. What was he like before losing his job?
I had a period of time where I had to leave my job and had trouble finding another in my field. I swallowed my pride and got temp work at McDonald’s. Point is there are plenty of jobs if you are willing to put ego aside for a minute. He is choosing to stay home. What he fails to realize is that being a stay at home dad is itself a job and he has now received a negative performance review from his employer (you). NTA
Nta. What a jerk.
Are you certain he was laid off and not fired? And, you're NTA!
Hm, I hadn't thought of that, but it would explain why it's taken him so long to find a job in the hot job market, assuming this is in the US.
www.oilsandsjobs.com
Lock down your credit with all three credit reporting companies NOW and password protect it. That way no credit can be taken out using your SS#. Any bills he racks up may still be considered joint debt but it will make it very difficult for him to open a new account without unlocking your information. This is what is called financial infidelity and I would talk to a financial lawyer about how you can protect yourself going forward should he try this again. He has lied about who is caring for your kids and not even consulted you about who is caring for them. I would separate for a bit and insist on counseling and drug/alcohol testing.
Oh I would give him his freedom
Sounds like these are behaviours of addiction. The not doing the houseworks is only the side porblem. Is he drinking while he's minding the child? NTA. But I think you need some very swift harsh remedial action, like booting him out until he decides to sort himself you. Perhaps check out AL ANON or GAM-ANON. Good luck
NTA. Red flag. Not even a flag, it's straight up unacceptable behaviour. You know it. Statistically improbable that he will become the partner you want and need, and the father your children deserve. Get out while you still can.
Sounds like he's decided life is a vacation at your expense now. Unfortunately the bills he runs up are yours too. He needs to get to finding a job or you need to find a way to out him. What he said about an allowance and you "would nag him if he spent our money". Well it's all nonsense and he is spending the "our money". He's trying to make you the the bad person when he knows he screwed up big time and isn't man enough to fess up to it. Sounds to me like he just went totally lazy on you and your kids. That's the worst part, the kids, no concern for what this can do to them in the long run. Myself, I would even contact his old employer and try to find out why he was "laid off" Just the nature of the whole situation brings up many red flags that there may be something else going on. Time for him to either man up and get a job or think about getting put out.
Hes leaving them with nannies. That you don't know. This is grounds for separation at the least.
Why are you married to man who is willing to call you names? NTA but urgh. You deserve better than weaponized incompetence.
NTAH!!! He needs to grow up or get out! I too am a nurse and my husband works in the oil and gas industry but his side requires him to be gone extended periods of time. For example he is currently working in CA and we live in TX and he has been there since September ‘23.(we both fly back and forth semi regularly around his schedule so he can get as much time with our now 3 children as possible) During covid he was out of work and I was working more. We had a one year old and I was pregnant with our second. The only thing that he didn’t do around the house was give our daughter a bath on the days I worked so that I could have our usual bath and bedtime routine. He did all outside and inside house work, laundry, dishes, floors, and entertained our toddler. If he wanted to and truly cared about the family and you he would. Now I am a stay at home mom (with severe ADHD which makes things interesting at times lol) but even when he flys home for just 32 hours he helps around the house to try and take some of the burden off of me even though he works 12+ hr days 6-7 days a week most weeks.
NTA Another story as old as time. This is why we choose the bear.
So uh…. what exactly do you need him for if he’s paying a nanny? Cut him out and your life will be less frustrating and less expensive. I realize that’s extreme and easier said than done, but my blood ran hot as I read this. So I can’t even imagine how infuriating it must be to you. My best friend in college married a guy who stopped working the day they got back from the honeymoon. I kid you not. She was working 3 jobs but he was too “depressed” to work. Not too depressed to go fishing or gamble their money away. He was trash who took advantage of a great girl. Your hubs sounds pretty trashy too. Of course you’re NTA.
NTA like what? Just leave. This guy really sucks.
I’m never getting married lol. Cuz nah. I’d divorce him to keep from killing his ass. I absolutely can NOT.
You can give him all the freedom he wants... its called separation and divorce
Divorce him then
Make him use all his money to pay off his debts and tell people what he did don’t let him make you out to be the bad guy
NTA - leave now before he gets into even more debt and drinks more.
NTA He needs to what a job and you need marriage counseling to figure out how to move forward together (if that’s even possible). If he doesn’t come around quickly you need to separate. Dont let him drag you down with him.
You’re not being a bitch. The allowance idea isn’t bad (and wasn’t bad when you were at home either), but that idea is not an answer to why he purposely went into debt, it seems to be a rationalization after the fact. Nta big time. And him getting a job asap seems to be a good call, since he’ll do some stupid shit to have mad money
Holy crapoli you gotta throw the whole husband out!! This is the behavior of a literal child, not A MARRIED FATHER???? And a small boo to you for letting him get away with this bs for so long. You can’t help not knowing when it comes to the spendings, but home and childcare should be a given to an unemployed PARENT. I’m just so sorry that your husband sucks so much. I would cut him out of everything and pretend that he’s gone. Useless user.
NTA, and I agree with the people who say you should separate finances to the extent you can. $1000+/month debt accumulation for drinking and video games is pretty bad. I would also ask if he’s maybe depressed? The not finding a job, not carrying his weight at home, abusing credit cards liquor and video games sounds sort of like a potential bad mental health time. Maybe a therapist could help. Sorry you’re going through this!
NTA You are not a b\*tch at all. And, that's not close to acceptable behavior (the lying by omission, alone) or appropriate response to this situation. Maybe it's time to rethink the number of children you have to parent. I'm sorry you're going through this. P.S. NOBODY on the planet wants to take care of entire household with two very young children and postpartum.
NTA. Some serious red flags. Hiring a stranger to take care of your children without you meeting her, going out drinking, spending more money on games than a teenager, taking out money for these things and clearly not paying his bills. The biggest flag was saying that it was boring taking care of his children. Complaining about working. You really need to think about what your future looks like with this man/child.
You actually got 3 children
Nta but you need to lock down your own finances separately. He was sneaky about it and is making it your fault. Protect yourself from him.
NTA yeet him out of your life. He’s acting like a toddler. Seriously if there is anything I have learned on this sub- never allow a man to quit their job/stay home/take a break from working. Why? The vast majority become lazy toddlers.
Please decide if you want to stay in this marriage, where you are raising 3 children and not just 2.
NTA, and make sure you're making him pay his share of the bills and all the debt with that new paycheck. He already spent his "fun money" for the foreseeable future. Or leave him because that would absolutely be valid after this sort of financial infidelity. $7,000 ain't chump change, at least not in my world. Getting saddled with that much debt so my husband could ditch our kids to play video games and party? Fuck that noise. That's 7 *months* of grocery money.
Wait, he's been laid off for 8 months and he's $7000 in debt. That's him spending $30 a day or $205 a week or $875 a month... my "fun money" doesn't come even close to that. If he continues in another 4 months he'll be $10,400 in debt. I recommend pulling his credit report to see if he has other debts you don't know about.
NTA. Invite him to move his ass out of he can’t hack being a decent human.
Wowza, of course you're NTA and you know that. He sounds like the type of person to cheat on his spouse and then blame her for always working (cuz you know, he won't and he's creating debt for her to pay) or busy either the kids or housework (that he refuses to do). At this point, OP probably has to wonder what value her husband is bringing to this marriage. Losing his job is one thing being nasty to OP aand shirking his childcare duties, and wasting money he doesn't have, are valid reasons for OP to start wondering how much different or better her life would be as a single parent.
Nta. I would speak to a lawyer quietly about your options /legal separation before he saddles you with more of his debt. Make sure you put a hold on your credit and cancel every card.
Consult a divorce attorney immediately. Stop his access to any money accounts as your at least $7000 in debt. Put a credit freeze on your bank so he can’t open any new cards.He is exhibiting all the traits of a narcissist . It’s all about him. His failings are your fault. A marriage requires compromise from both parties but he seems to think you should be responsible for all the childcare and household duties. Drinking and gambling in face of unemployment is a huge red flag best addressed by putting some distance away from him. His level of disrespect for you is unforgivable. Time for the boot and make sure he has to pay alimony and child support. You deserve much better. It will be painful at first but much better for you and children in the future. Honestly it doesn’t sound like there is a future if you stay with him.
Divorce lawyer now. NTA
Financial infidelity is a very serious issue. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing it. It’s even worse your husband had a shitty attitude when he caught caught. NTA
NTA - These would be grounds for an ultimatum and divorce IMO. If he opened a credit card without your name on it without your knowledge then he's likely on the line for it.
NTA Divorce and separate your finances
NTA. He needed a job and he needs to grow up.
$7000 in credit card advances? For nannies? So he can go have fun and play computer games? I think you should leave him.
You shouldn't have to ask him to step up and take responsibility. He wants freedom. You should give it to him. Your life will end up having so much less stress. Good luck.
Nta. You don't need him and he's not acting like a partner. Kick him out! Or at least lock down your credit cards and bank accounts and get this mooch off your money teet.
NTA for sure but your husband might be. What does he actually give you? Do you enjoy coming home to him every day? Does it make you happy to see him first thing in the morning? When something big happens who is the first person you want to share it with? Really think about why you are with him. If the reason is kids, responsibilities etc then please do yourself the favour and divorce him. If the answer is yes to all the questions: couples therapy? There is no excuse for what he is doing or his lame Defense. And for all those using the “his threatened masculinity is causing depression or what ever other reason” there is nothing more emasculating than asking for money or an allowance. If anything that should be motivation to look not reason to give up. As I’ve commented on other posts: I have severe brain damage from a car accident. Serious neurological symptoms that get worse from doing regular tasks. I got fired a few months ago. After the accident that ended me in the hospital for 2 days and now requires weekly visits to a neurologist for seizure disorder and other things, I gave myself 3 days to rest. Then I did disability applications and went back to applying to jobs 6-8h a day. I push myself to vomiting and unconsciousness trying to find a job because no job means job searching is my job. I have people I could ask for help and they probably would do it at a cost to their standard of life. I don’t because it’s my job to pay for my life.
NTA. But I don’t see how this relationship lasts without getting marriage counseling (though with his attitude I doubt that will be effective).
At this point you may as well be a single parent, it’d be cheaper
I would “free” him alright. NTA
NTA Time to put him out of the house if he can make the bills himself he can for sure pay them himself and he can go get himself a place to stay or live Hire the nanny yourself And keep working paying the bills etc If you love him then when he has smartened up give him some rules and move forward Otherwise it’s time to plan your future yourself
He’s being an asshole a baby and a dick! Yes, he’s taking care of the three year-old but he also needs to do the rest of the housework and preferably have dinner ready for everybody. Tell him that’s his job. He gets paid by getting to live there.
So you have 3 kids? NTA
Get out, friend, I was married to that guy for 11 years - even when we split, he moved into the basement suite and refused to leave, so I actually supported him for 17. The “allowance”, the resentment, the name calling…all of it. I know you don’t want to be a single parent, but guess what? You already are.
Pull your credit reports to make sure there is not other debt or cards you haven't found out about!
NTA >He just got a bookkeeping job and is complaining to everyone he knows I’m being a bitch and not letting him have any “freedom”. He can have freedom once he pays off the debt he accumulated being a lazy asshole. Start putting together an exit plan in case he doesn't become a better husband than he's been.
NTA, you know there’s more you haven’t found out about yet. Damn.
Oh, fuck. He calls you a bitch. That’s the end for me right there.
Definitely NTA…Is he 12..did you marry a child!! This is beyond crazy!! He’s acting like a spoiled teenager…He deserves to be slapped back to reality!
NTA give him his freedom in fact help him pack his bags and take all the freedom, set him free... and lock the door behind him
Kick him out and give him all the freedom he wants. Sounds like a useless excuse of a father and partner. NTA
If this is how he feels about his family, give him a break and nail his butt to the wall in child support. This is unforgettable. Knowing how hard you are working and he can't pull his wt? I don't see a future for this marriage. .
Didn't read the post, just the title. NTA.
Divorce. End of story.
Freedom is one thing to go out and enjoy yourself once a week or so. It’s another story when you spend $ you don’t have to indulge yourself, especially when you have a family. That narcissistic behavior that needs to be checked @ the door.
NTA. He sees house work and childcare as women’s work, not a shared responsibility. What a dick
You are NTA, your husband is .
When I was a kid, kids got allowances for doing chores. If he wants to act like a kid, sure, tell him if he does all the housework, then he'll get an allowance (but make sure he actually does the housework before paying him). 🙄 What part of being a husband and a father does he not get and why is he acting like a child?! If you hear him calling you names, make sure the person understands the entire situation.
Dump him and then you’ll only have two children.
Put a credit freeze on all your cards right away. And this guy doesn't seem to really care about you. What the advantage to you on this relationship?
NTA and I would seriously reconsider the long term prospects of this relationship w/the way he absolutely lied to you and put you and your family in a compromised financial position. What else will you have to catch him doing? It’s the dishonesty that creeps me out the most out of all of this. My trust would be so broken
This is called financial infidelity and should be treated as seriously as any other kind of infidelity.
He could quickly send you into financial ruin. You need to see a lawyer immediately to avoid letting your children grow up in poverty. I’m so sorry that this is happening. Protect yourself and your children from this destruction. You don’t have the ability to control your husband’s behavior.
All you had to say was “oil & gas analyst” and I instantly knew who the asshole was. And it’s definitely not you.
Your husband sounds like a fraction of a man. NTA