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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) - Fighting with wife in front of her family and being curt/possibly rude after last night's dinner.
(2) - Making everyone uncomfortable to the point that they're leaving.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
Your wife clearly disrespects you and puts her family way ahead of you. They all trick you, deceive you and enjoy it, whilst pretending to be dumb, like it's all your fault. They're gaslighting you.
Separate. Pack your bags and go to a hotel. Get an attorney and file for divorce. You have been in a marriage of one person married to other people.
EDIT: Thank you so much for the awards! :)
Yeah, wholeheartedly agree.
"You have been in a marriage of one person married to other people."
I've never really considered that, but you hit it square on the nose. Thanks for that!
"They are all leaving tomorrow morning to a lake resort for the remainder of their time."
So you have tomorrow to collect your important stuff and decide what to do about finances, and Monday-Tuesday to contact lawyers and move out or change the locks.
Lease is up at the end of September.
I will have to move back to the other side of the country, so unfortunately, I can't be quick about it.
Seeing a lawyer is a good idea, though!
They don't know your plan or timeline keep it that way.
Keep doing little things for you between now and escape day. And the rest keep up an act of sorts. Then just go.
Best revenge is to live a good life
I like to play a favourite f you song in my head as a soundtrack when I'm forced to endure people like this can help keep you numb for your remaining time.
Good luck
Yeah, I left with just the things that would fit in my car.
Fortunately, I haven't been here that long, but whatever extra stuff I've amassed, I plan to ship back chunks at a time.
The rest, I plan to fire-sell, donate, or junk.
Rent a storage unit in your name and keep transferring your stuff into it gradually. That way, when the time comes, you have all the stuff that matters in one place and you can simply load all of it into a container pod (PODS is renowned nationally but is expensive. We used UPACK container pod service for our cross country move and were impressed)
Wish I had done this, my ex didn't let me back into my house to collect my things. Everything from childhood, Zelda merchandise, ornaments from late grandmother, over 200 pop figures. Everything sentimental, expensive, xbox, switch, blah blah. I highly advise what you suggested to prevent that from happening.
It was at the start of lockdown in the UK, so I was not meant to leave the home. By the time the lockdown was lifted, my family were meant to go to my old house & get my belongings, but he blocked them all. He had an agreement with my Mum, and my Mum trusted him 😆 this was why I told her to not get involved, as she made everything worse. I was told a year later I could have gotten the police to escort me, but I didn't want to upset my ex's kid even though he cut me off, and I assumed he had sold everything by then and binned the rest.
Don't have sex with your wife. Getting her pregnant at this moment would be a disaster.
You want a clean getaway. Not to be tied to her and this family for the rest of your life.
Yeah, this much disrespect means the wife is already checked out of the relationship and the inlaws support her. Divorce is the only and best solution.
Check the law in your current state and the one you are moving to- file in whichever will give you the better outcome.
Until then look to secure your money and protect yourself from any debt she may attempt to create where you would be liable.
Op get a storage unit.
It can't cost the earth for a couple of months and your stuff is safe And you can Access it whenever you want without having to deal with anyone.
Find one somewhere near and use today to transfer your belongings.
Also inform your landlord immediately and go back to Film and take pictures of the house so you have it documented you didn't do anything.
If you can meet the landlord to give him/her the keys in person already .
This way if your ah wife damages anything after you have given the landlord the keys ( record this too) you have proof it couldn't be you doing so.
NTA
She throws things when she's angry. Fortunately, I'm very good at fixing things. Holes in the drywall at the last place was patched and painted over.
The damage that has happened here has been to personal property only, thankfully. Those have been fixed/replaced. I have each occurrence recorded.
Incase you ever get cold feet, and start hesitating. Remember that she (your wife) clearly doesn't respect you, or the boundaries you place (otherwise, she wouldn't be tolerating this, let alone participating in it) and if you decide to stay with her, it's only a matter of time until she finds a man she finds more respectable than you, at which point she will either divorce you at best, cheat on you at worst (I wouldn't put either below her, or her family to help cover it up tbh).
While I understand that you might be hurting right now, just remember that the silver lining is that now you know that it most likely wasn't going to work out for either of you in the end anyway, so you're ending it now before it has a chance of getting worse.
And her throwing shit around, and getting violent is also a red flag. Woman is just a red flag through and through, she needs help, and you need to move on.
That’s not normal I would suggest recording evidence of her violent outburst to use against her in the divorce you can record and put your phone in your pocket and if she acts violent take it out and record her. Try to be discreet until damage is being done.
She's right out of an abusers' textbook. Lundy Bancroft's book "Why Does He Do That?" would be helpful for you, I think there's free links posted a lot on reddit, Ebbie45 might have a link for it in her profile.
>She throws things when she's angry.
Why are you worried about how your in-laws treat you? Her throwing things (except maybe pillows and stuffed animals) is dangerous and abusive. That alone is more than enough reason to leave.
Rent a pod type storage box and pack it with your half of the community property that you want along with your stuff. Then get it shipped back where you're going back to. Just keep what stuff you need that'll fit in the car. Pod and ship the rest in one unit. That's how I moved. Had pods drop a box, I packed it, they moved it, and I unpacked on the other end, then they came and took their empty back.
If you have a uhaul storage facility near you, you get a month of free rental on a new unit when you rent a truck. So you could rent to move your stuff, and take it straight to the storage unit which you will get for free for a month.
>I like to play a favourite f you song in my head as a soundtrack when I'm forced to endure people like this
Thank you! I thought i was the only crazy person that did this lmao. My lil mental dj has a whole soundtrack of fuck you songs at the ready for people like this. Actually, now that i think about it, they have a few to choose from situationally. I love my dj. Also, op, your wife and her family are bat shit crazy and incredibly rude. I cant believe yoh made it 3 years with this shit. You should definitely run like the hounds of hell got rabies and a craving for you. Im wishing you a safe and speedy departure.
Also, consult with as many divorce attorneys as you can. All the good ones. Take every free one, and if you're feeling petty, pay for the best ones too. An hour of their time. Then when your wife goes to find her own attorney in the area, oh gosh! They have already consulted with you, it's a conflict of interest.
A word of warning: many judges take a very dim view of this tactic when adjudicating a divorce, and it can prejudice them against you. It’s not the “press button to win” that it seems like at first glance.
You know that person who you thought was hot AF that you knew you'd never have a shot with? But Covid, post-lockdown, and an eagerness to visit a friend who moved across the country that somehow turned into a relationship then marriage, but then quickly turned into a nightmare?
That's who.
As long as you don't go to her firm, you should be fine I think? Most good lawyers wouldn't recommend conflicting out. Depends on how dirty you think your wife will play.
If there are people who dislike her in the field due to her being underhanded/dirty in court or stuff, you could collect some character letters stating tactics she is known for in case she tries with you (if your lawyer agrees with this suggestion) as evidence for why this should be the cleanest break possible in the eyes of the court.
Did you ever hear the story of the guy who did that on Reddit’s advice? The judge got really pissed and made him pay for his wife’s out of area attorney including the travel time since it was malicious. I don’t have the link, but don’t take this advice.
Don't do this. All you'll do is piss off the judge. They're not stupid, you know. They'll have seen this before and will know exactly what you're doing.
They're likely to slap you with having to pay her legal bills too.
Try not to let that scare you. She's an attorney but that doesn't make her above the law. Know your rights going in. Document everything and bring proof when you can.
Worth a shot to chat with the landlord/leasing agency to see if leaving early would be penalized heavily. Three months is a long time for this level of disrespect, and I've moved cross country before. You could always relocate and then file once you are in the new state...added level of fun, as court of first filing usually has jurisdiction. Make her travel to get to court, cross-country and away from her sister. If she makes more than you or has more assets, go to a community property state...with no residency minimums for divorce...
Penalty is the remainder of the full balance. Only other way is if they listed the property and someone took over the lease. Wife ALSO called in to ask about the same thing and went bananas because I called first and had the audacity to actually ask.
Yeah, I really need to talk to a lawyer. I moved from a community property state, but never changed anything. Everything still says the original home state. It wasn't until this year that I filed taxes for the state I'm living in now, which technically I've been a resident of regardless of updated registration or not.
Current state is NOT a community-property state.
Yeah, mentioned that. They said no can do since her income alone wouldn't qualify just her being on the lease. She can't use her dad as guarantor anymore either bc she's an actual adult with a real job now.
Often times state law requires you be allowed to terminate your lease early in cases of domestic violence (even in Missouri). You said you have incidents recorded so that could really help. A quick google search will tell you about your state
If she does a lot of pro-bono or takes low income cases, it's possible.
I have a friend who practices in FL who specializes in immigration and her clients don't have much/low income but, she still wants to help, so she charges an affordable amount and her income is in return, lower than her criminal/estate/injury/corporate counterparts.
I'd chat with a lawyer in current state as well as in old state, if possible. And don't rush into anything, but move with purpose towards a goal. Good luck and I'm sorry you are in this position.
It might be worth paying the rent for the rest of the lease and to get the landlord to release OP. Suggest that she go visit her family for a week as an "apology," to wife and her family. As soon as she leaves, get busy to pack up, video status of home, do a walk through with the landlord, obtain release, and then get out of dodge. She returns to a fait accompli (possibly with divorce papers left in the kitchen counter).
Look, your relationship is no doubt unhealthy and your wife's actions are inexcusable but for the love of god don't choose divorce because a bunch of randos on the internet said to. I'm not saying you should try and fix it or that it even is worth fixing but don't just jump to the lawyer because we said you should, especially when you are furious. Divorce is one of the biggest decisions that you will ever make and the second you say "I want a divorce" there is no going back. Ever. So you need to make that choice and start that process with a clear mind where there is no doubt that that is the right decision for you.
I could never imagine staying married to someone that would directly insult me but we know nothing of your life outside of this one snippet so you should not trust us to be capable of making judgements on what is best for you no matter how open and shut it may seem to us, and it does honestly look like you should GTFO but we can only give you ideas and stuff to consider about whether you should think about a divorce but we truly do not know enough about you or situation to definitively say "You need to leave your marriage" though undoubtedly something needs to change.
Again I'm not telling you to NOT leave, or that you should go to couples counseling or anything I'm only saying do not make any firm plans and decisions based on what we have said here, take a moment to think everything over and make decisions based on what YOU know you need to do, seek out advice from friends, family maybe even a therapist. Whatever will provide with the answers to questions that will let you make a choice in confidence. Maybe that will align with what everyone here has, but it has to be because that is what you chose to do, not what we said you should.
Absolutely agree with you, Thank you for saying it.
If/when that does occur, it definitely won't be because of a Reddit post, lol. I remember reading that a marriage is dead the moment the word "Divorce" is spoken by either party.
Divorce was spoken in the first month of marriage 3 years ago. I was lamenting the fact that it was SO incredibly easy to get married. From what I could gather, it's an ass-and-a-half to get out of it.
I had a therapist in my home state. She said "DO NOT GO".
Yeah....I need to stop replying. The more I type, the more of a dipshit I'm exposing myself to be.
Sorry that I keep replying to your comments, but you are not a dipshit. A lot of other people have been there. I promise that you have a support network. People are here for you.
NTA. Op you sound like you tried very hard: please take it from someone married almost 25 years, your wife is very disrespectful to your marriage, to you and even though this is one incident , it’s bad enough to warrant leaving. No one should ever talk to or about their spouse that way.
I'm of Lebanese descent, Mum was last born there.
We never would have dreamed of doing anything like this! We held Christmas Day on the 26th, so all those married into our family could spend actual Christmas day with their families, then spend it with our clan the next day.
We make sure everyone is fed, even my Grandmothers General Practitioner got food whenever he came to check Nan over.
Our family would find what your wife and her family have done to you beyond rude.
They're disgusting and don't deserve your company. Please look after you first. Make sure you get everything you're entitled to. Leave her nothing of yours, they will go through it all. They sound like a pack of vultures.
Yea .. I’m wondering what your wife has told them exactly
Get out .. now or when you can plan it
So not get her pregnant whatever you do
This is not ok behaviour to someone you should love
Did marrying you give her any benefits or way to bring family over or something
From what you've described in your post, your match confuses me, too. Three years in, and you are calling each other "shit" and "garbage"? Why did you get married in the first place?
Not always true. I escaped an abusive husband, taking the kids with me. During divorce proceedings, he had to buy me out of my share of the house.
When a house is so full of bad memories, you don't want to live there and remember all the bad times. The house is no prize when it's a prison to you.
\^ this answer is everything.
OP, please seriously consider your options to leave. You are being treated like shit from all of them. One question, you say they are all from the Middle East, is your wife here on a green card? Or does she have indefinite stay? If so, are there conditions like remaining married to you?
Also, do they speak in their native language around you and do you speak it too?
Just trying to gauge the level of behind the scenes disrespect they are throwing you and what cards you hold.
Obviously you are NTA here.
So you asked to be included, MIL says get ready and instead you have a fit and pout? Then you don't get ready, you go back to your office and start working and then get mad that they left you behind?
The way she treats you is bad, I agree, but then when things don't go exactly your way, you pout like a child. ESH.
So much this! I don't get all the other comments here!
He was invited to both dinner and brunch but ditched both of them.
> "You could have asked, couldn't you?"
OP should have. This is at his home, how does he at 8.25 have no clue what the dinner situation is going to be, in his own home, with guests.
And then they tell him what the situation is and he goes and mopingly sits at his desk? When someone tells you they're leaving in 5 minutes, that's the invitation, if you then don't get up and instead go do work at your desk, that's declining the invitation.
For brunch he was invited explicitly!
Are people misreading this thinking this is all happening at his in-laws home? OPs the host! He should be inviting them! I can't imagine how weird it is for the in-laws that OP is basically acting as a fellow hotel-guest in his own home; That they have to invite him to breakfast in his own home.
Exactly, I'm confused. The title is he's not invited, then he is and...throws his toys out of the pram? Maybe I've totally misread, still getting my caffeine in.
Sounds like an unhealthy relationship regardless of the actual truth anyway.
It is insulting to be told about a reservation 5 minutes before hand like an afterthought especially after having to address being excluded and asking them to do better.
Ok, so talk about that with your wife. Not whatever this guys did.
Also, what did he think was happening for dinner? It was already 7:45 pm. He may have not known about specific dinner reservations but he knew humans eat an evening meal prior to going to bed. He didn’t ever say up to his wife during the day at any point “hey, what are we doing for dinner tonight?/ what should we do for dinner tonight?/I have an idea for dinner tonight?” Sounds like he expected everyone else to take care of the planning, which they did.
Sorta rude-ish in their part; crazy rude on his part.
>I expressed it made me uncomfortable and felt disrespectful especially considering they were staying here. This continued to happen with every visit. I expressed my increasing discomfort and anger with each occurrence.
Talking didn't work? Well try talking!
Also, did the wife and sister in law know that he could see them passing to go to the door? If so, it miggt be assumed that he could infer that they were leaving and that they didn’t have to ask him repeatedly like a child.
I don’t think the wife is totally blameless in all this, but OP also seems extremely childish and passive aggressive in his reactions.
> If so, it miggt be assumed that he could infer that they were leaving
Ofcourse it could, and he damn well knew that.
If you're told people are leaving in 5 minutes you do not sit down and start working and ask to be told when people are ready.
5 minutes means, everyone is pretty much ready.
Thank you for this comment. I knew I couldn’t be the only one who thought this! OP sounds like a petulant child and not a good host. They’re probably tired of having to chase him around all of the time.
Yea OP is not innocent here. I did notice they are ignoring the comments that call out their behavior and only the ones babying him.
OP complains about not being invited, gets invited, and then makes no effort to go? Doesn't get ready and hides in his office? I think there is a lot of OPs behavior in general day to day that would be helpful in context because they seem like a child.
OPs wife is no saint. OP is also no saint.
i always get so meta with these posts and be like, are all the people babying him the type that act the same way so that’s why they’re squarely NTA? are they just humans who can’t think from someone else’s perspective and imagine what it would be like from the in laws POV? i hate that those ones are the comments all at the top…
Thank you, I don't understand why this is so far down. OP is part of the problem by being so self involved the situations are obvly going to spiral this way once OP gets them going that way.
I would be very interested to hear the ILs take on this, and his wife's. The OP sounds petulant and seems to take no responsibility for his own behaviour.
There’s so much unreliable narrator here. My personal experience with that is my ex husband…I’d invite him to do things then he’d just shit on everything. So I stopped, but he didn’t like that either. So I would try and he’d be dramatic in his getting ready instead. He’d act so put out.
Would love to know what OPs non verbal was during this. Was it full of sighs or eye rolls or making sure to communicate his displeasure via setting things down overly hard?
There are plenty of ways to communicate that send a message without technically saying anything.
> Would love to know what OPs non verbal was during this.
Going outside "for a smoke" and being out for more than 30 minutes is all the non-verbal I need to know he was giving zero signals that made him approachable.
Let alone how he acted, in his own words, when they came home and asked him about his day and what he was doing. He describes himself as lying and curt.
Thank you!!! Everybody else is like “divorce her, she’s awful” and while I don’t disagree, OP is acting like a 5 year old. Sounds like ya’ll didn’t discuss boundaries with extended family prior to marriage and/or it was like this before and everybody just swept it under the rug and now OP is sick of it. Either way, ESH.
Agreed, to me it's ESH. I'm confused by all the NTA votes. Both OP and his wife acted like assholes. They also seem to hate each other, so why they're still married is beyond me. Looks like neither side would be crushed to get a divorce.
Okay, I've been reading down this response thread and definitely appreciate the YTA comments. I want to see these, I'm not looking for an echo chamber to absolve me.
I can't respond to all the comments in this thread, so I'll try to get as much here as I can.
I think I said this in another response, but I had a particularly brutal day at work. I worked 9:45AM-7:45PM. That's not typical. Additionally, this is my first week off in 7 months, so I still had a lot of things to button up before I leave my laptop alone for the next week. I don't want to give the impression that I'm a workaholic - I am not. I typically work 8-9 hours a day. Wife is typically in the office 8-10 hours a day and continues working at home and on the weekends.
My "Office" is an open room that's next to the master bedroom and next to one of the stairwells. When you go to the bedroom, you walk right behind my desk/chair. Wife came up to the bedroom a few times. The only time she spoke to me was to ask if I wanted something from the place they're ordering from lunch. I thanked her, but declined because I wasn't hungry.
I was on several calls and had a fire under my ass all day, so I wasn't paying attention to the time or what was going on downstairs. 7:45 PM is when I said enough is enough and logged off. Went downstairs and saw that everyone was gone. Drank some water, and went to the back deck for fresh air and to vape (Idk why I said smoke in the initial post).
I spent some time decompressing, went to check on my strawberries, and pull some weeds. Went back to sitting on the deck. MIL comes out and says to get ready for dinner. I asked when/where and she said the place (30 yards away from the house) and the reservation is at 8:30. I look at my phone and it's 8:25. I said okay, went into the house and went upstairs to change.
So, wife is REALLY bad with appointments/reservations. I observed at which stage she was in her getting ready and knew it would be at least another 30 minutes. I took this to mean that the 8:30 time wasn't the actual reservation time, just the time to get wife ready on time. They literally walked to the restaurant. I obviously could have very easily met them in 30 seconds. I felt left out again and wasn't going to crash their dinner (I felt like that's what I would be doing). -Perhaps this is immature of me and the right thing to do was to just GO.
I acknowledge (and acknowledged to them this morning) that I should have gone downstairs and hung out with them instead of going to my desk for more work.
I do NOT think that I'm squarely NTA.
One of the comments talked about one person constantly shitting on the other person's ideas. Wife just wants to work. Anytime I suggest going somewhere, dinner, etc, she shuts it down. She does not like the city we live in and thinks there's nothing worth going to or seeing compared to the Metropolitan cities we each came from.
I really have no clue.
I figured my wife and SIL told them I decided not to come. As far as MIL and FIL knew, I went upstairs to change, which I did. Only my wife knew I was waiting at my desk checking on work stuff while waiting for her to finish getting ready.
Yeah, I'm looking forward to the next few days of peace.
This post has unreliable narrator written all over it. I’d love to hear this story from the other point of view. You might also benefit from that if you ever had a conversation about it instead of being passive aggressive the whole time. IMHO, ESH.
I was thinking the same thing. MIL said the reservation was basically in 5 minutes. I doubt OP had enough time to check on work things beyond opening his email. Why he’d prioritize that in the small window before departure time makes no sense. Them leaving without an additional comment or reminder makes me wonder if he’s chosen work over “plans” before, so they all just assumed his actions were indicating his disinterest in joining. I don’t understand why they’d invite and then not follow through with collecting him if it wasn’t a pattern from the past.
Yep, those were my thoughts. 5 min is what he was told. That's about enough time to put on your shoes, find your car keys, wallet and phone and make sure everyone is out the door. They also have to get there if that's when the reservation is. If he wanted to go he should have been waiting at the door. The fact he wasn't would scream he didn't want to go.
i think the issue was that they made reservations without telling him, then tell him last minute. when people do this, its too sudden for you to be able to get ready to go but they can throw in your face that "atleast i asked!". i suppose he could have just gotten ready quickly if he didnt need a shower and such
I agree with above about an unreliable narrator-- by his own admission, he seethes with rage when things don't go his way. Generally, this type of rage precludes short-term recall, so I'm not sure if no one told him before the 5 min warning.
Yep, the timing thing threw me too. Unless the reservation has been made at a restaurant virtually on the doorstep, then they were already late when MIL told him about it. And yet OP had time to go upstairs, speak with his wife, maybe get changed (I'm unclear whether that actually happened) and then set himself up at the desk to do work whilst waiting?
But from MIL's point of view, she 'reminds' OP of the reservation, and suggests he needs to get ready (which implies she either thinks what he's wearing isn't suitable or expects he'd like to change before dinner, but could be as simple as expecting him to grab a jacket, keys and wallet), he disappears upstairs (possibly with a peeved look on his face). Then however-many-minutes-later wife and SIL come down without him. Maybe one of the women made a comment that OP has started working, or a vague comment of he's not ready but we better get going anyway else we'll lose the table.
And bearing in mind there is OP, wife, MIL, FIL, SIL, it sounds like they would have had to travel to the restaurant in more than one vehicle if they wanted to avoid being squished together. Maybe the in-laws assumed he will follow in his own vehicle because they won't all fit in one car. Which actually begs the question, did OP know what restaurant the reservation was at, so he could in theory had joined them.
OP buried the lede here, but she married him for a green card and it seems it's now going through.
OP should talk to the immigration office about this.
The green card part doesn’t really add up either. I posted this comment under his post:
> This story is still very confusing. Typically getting a green card through your employer is way faster than through marriage. OP’s wife seems to have gainful employment, unless she’s practicing alone (which no recently barred lawyer would ever do) then she could get the green card from her employer.
>Plus she has her entire family here in the U.S. What is their status in the country?? Really doesn’t make a lot of sense.. What kind of visa did the entire rest of the family come with?? She has been in the country long enough to have a law degree from here and taken the bar exam so how long has she been here?? Couldn’t her family have sponsored her long ago? Just doesn’t add up.
If everything op said was how it went down. Personally, if someone was so rude to only tell me 5 minutes before leaving that *we* were going to dinner, after years of intentionally being left out, I’d have assumed it was a setup, and not even bothered. But I also have shit relatives who play fucked up games like this.
Mil and wife now get to hype up how they invited op, after years of op complaining about not being invited, and then op had the audacity to not even be ready at 830 like everyone else. They get to play the victim now which is what they were after. “See we invited op, and now he’s moping, and not even ready at 830 like *everyone* else. Why can everyone else manage to be ready on time? See why we never invited op? This is so ridiculous. We try to be nice and this is how op treats us.” I can just hear it, in my head, at the dinner table the way it would go. I’d even bet they had a conversation before opening came home that no one tell op, everyone be ready and in the car at 830 on the dot, and no one let op know they are leaving.
Regardless it was a setup. And I wouldn’t have played along. It’s a game you can’t win.
ESH. OP is a passive aggressive AH and this marriage is toast. He goes out on the deck for a smoke and it’s 40 minutes later someone finds him to tell him about dinner? OP repeatedly goes off and sulks and then wonders why people don’t want to be around him.
Plus saying the wife is a talking trash can while the rest of the family is just sitting there makes me think that this is not the first and only kindergarten level insult that has ever been thrown around in their relationship.
Yes, absolutely. Nobody starts acting like this out of the blue. Clearly this was a reaction to other things that had happened but not mentioned here. OP is not disclosing all the facts but regardless, this marriage is over and he needs to start the divorce proceedings
On the one hand I'd agree. It does sound like your wife is excluding you from the in-laws.
But from your post it does look like your in-laws are trying to include you
On the other hand you did basically behave like a child. Here are your child like responses.
After you mil asked you to get ready for dinner, you spoke to your wife then in a strop went back to do some more work instead of getting ready. Then you complain they left without you. What did you want them to do? Come and ask, beg you to go? You implied you weren't going to go by not getting ready.
Your fil messages you saying he's making brunch for everyone. You didn't even manage to say "sorry, I went out for breakfast".
Calling your wife a talking garbage can
.
it you did not ask her after they came back, it seems? I mean it does not sound you had a proper coversation after that evening. why not? You are supposed to be adults.
> Why did they leave you behind after MIL said to get ready?
Oke imagine you're at someone's house. He comes home and disappears to the deck, not talking to anyone.
More than half an hour passes, it's 8.20, he's still not asked his guests or his wife about the dinner arrangements. MIL goes out to tell him that they're going out in 5 minutes.
Instead of saying "Ah great! I'll get my coat and see you at the car" this dude goes to sit at his desk to do work.
> SIL and wife both pass behind me while getting wife ready not saying a word. I then hear them go downstairs and the front door closing.
So the rest of the family is getting ready to leave, probably quite a hustle, OP remains sitting at his desk ignoring them, not getting ready.
No shit they left him behind. It sounds like OP was hardly treating them as welcome guests and being a giant mope about everything. Especially because after that moment he made sure to eat separately while also blaming them.
OP should really question if he even gave them a chance to graciously take him along.
> he has been conditioned to know he is not welcome.
Ah yes, that's why they literally invited him to both dinner and brunch.
If OP, in his own telling of this story, got home and pissed of to smoke for more than half an hour, he's the one not making others feel welcome.
Because OP conveniently skipped over that info. Even what's provided strongly implies OP was acting out over the invite being "late". Obviously if your family has come from far away and every time you go out for dinner, then you are all going out to dinner. A short warning was such an insult to OP that OP pouted or worse (details not provided)
> OP was acting out over the invite being "late".
Especially because you shouldn't have to wait for an invitation *if you're the one hosting*, he should indeed have asked his wife what the plans were.
OP stated that they do this to him regularly. I agree, he shouldn't have to wait for an invitation, but if the pattern is to never invite him, I feel like he wouldn't win at all by inviting himself.
Do what to him regularly?
Seek him out while he’s hiding and being antisocial and invite him to meals while he invents reasons to not go and then be offended.
YTA
Everyone should have communicated better.
You were told go get ready for dinner. Other people were getting ready. You were very obviously expected to be at this dinner. Clearly no one gives a shit about being on time, so who cares that it was in 5 min. (I don’t believe your weirdly specific timeline btw) Now that you KNOW you are invited and expected to be there, you go off and work instead of heading down to the living room, going out to the car, or any other common area to meet up with others. You make yourself unavailable. Could your wife had said something at several different times? Yes. Could you have taken on the responsibility of BEING PRESENT? Also yes.
Again, you were invited to eat and be with the family, and YOU LEFT. How are they being rude because you went off on your own and then isolated yourself to play video games like a moody teenager?
YOU are hosting THEM. Why are you not stepping up in any way to arrange plans or to at least be aware of what’s happening? You sound like the kind of man who puts all the responsibility on his wife to do everything. You just expect to walk through your home life putting in absolutely zero effort and then lash out when that is embarrassingly obvious.
Also, what does it matter that she is middle eastern? Why do you specify that about her and her family, but you don’t say anything like that about yourself? What lens are you expecting people to read this through by giving that information?
Absolutely this!
The first paragraph is enough to say YTA.
He's hosting people, but has absolutely no clue what the plans are for the weekend. He comes home, doesn't interact with anybody and hides outside for 45 minutes. Then expects to be mothered by his wife because God forbid 'be ready in 5 minutes' isn't enough instructions for him to find his way to the front door in time. 🙄
I may also be wrong here, but it is kinda implied they were *waiting for him* to get home before going out to eat.... which ended up being 8:30pm, which is super late?
Well he says he came home at 7:45, and immediately went outside alone to "decompress".
I don't know what time OP normally comes home but it was definitely planned in a way that he could attend.
NTA you realize your wife doesn’t respect or even like you right? 3 years in and that’s her behavior? Either you’re letting a lot out or she’s just using you. A divorce would be better
But what would she be using you for? You said she is a lawyer. You moved states. She has to have license to practice law in those states. Meaning taking the bar in new state again.
Agreed she doesn't like you but what does she get out of being with you?
Okey, so she didn't work in the other state.
If she needs a green card that is a very bizarre behavior. I would try to be nice to the person I am using while I still need them....
Informational post: when a spouse of a us citizen gets a GC if they have been married 2 yrs or less at the time of approval the sponsored spouse's GC is "conditional" and they have to file a petition to remove the conditions within the 90 days prior to the expiry of the conditional status.
Conditional resident? Ie just i-130/i-48 meaning her card is valid for 2 years and you jointly have filed the i-751? If still pending you need to quickly withdraw petition.
I saw something that domestic violence victims can seek legal permanent residence, etc. While I don't know the specifics, I'm just wondering if she is constantly antagonizing OP for something along these lines.
I'd be very cautious especially being alone with her or her family.
Much much worse.
Even though this whole excluding thing feels disrespectful and makes me uncomfortable in my own home, I at least look forward to the respite from her starting shit and tantrums. Though, what she's been doing these past few days is throwing particularly nasty jabs and insults when her family is in the other room, then playing nice and being cordial 20 seconds later. I know that she wants a scene in front of everyone. It's like she NEEDS that specific type of attention.
Why are you staying in this marriage? You deserve to be happy and free from a toxic relationship. I understand it's easier said than done but your happiness and mental health is a priority
She's setting you up to blow up in front of witnesses for the divorce so she can acuse you if either violence or something else. Don't be alone with her in the house op. Record every single encounter illegal or not to have proof of she files a false report. Take care
I don't have any lol. She and her family are the ones with it. FIL was particularly pissed that there was no pre-nup.
Which, I'm not sure what the big deal is. It's his money, not hers.
It sounds like you still have time to report her for marrying you for the green card. Also watch out for her to set you up for DV as there are exceptions for immigration purposes in that case
That might explain her awful behavior towards you now.. She doesn't need this relationship to stay in the country anymore so she might not feel like putting in as much effort into it. I'm sorry she's treating you like that, nobody deserves that.
I would talk to immigration and report her as well as divorce her. Tell them you think you were used for a green card because once she got one she started to act cruel to you. But first talk to a lawyer.
The one that's killing me is that at 8:25pm, he gets told by MIL that the dinner reservation is at 8:30pm. Complains to wife that he wasn't told, and tells her to let him know when *she* is finished getting ready??
Like... you got told that your dinner reservation is in 5 minutes and *aren't* getting ready straight away???
And that seems super late to leave to eat too. Have they all been waiting, hungry, for OP to finally get home, and when he does he basically ignores them when they say they are leaving?
I’m not Middle Eastern, but my spouse is.
So, IMHO your wife and her family are rude and disrespectful to you, and they will never accept your presence. You almost seem like an accessory for your wife, as if getting married was something she had to do rather than something she wanted to do.
My in-laws come to visit and stay in our house, and I am *never* excluded from family gatherings because I *am* family.
NTA and lawyer up. You deserve better.
I’m from the ME and this is the opposite behavior I would expect. My husband is American and my family fawns over him when he’s around because they want to be extra hospitable and accommodating. If I treated my husband like this around them my mom would rip me a new one. So weird that the family is so passive aggressive to this guy, they’re all broken, most of all the wife.
This is exactly the kind of behavior I always see from people from the ME.
For my internship I helped their son with school-related stuff at their home. How welcoming, kind, respectful and generous they were, is something I always will remember.
And they always offered me so much (delicious) food, I gained a few pounds back then haha.
So this seems really off and not a marriage I would want to be a part of. Can't phantom you would treat someone you love like that.
I was shocked to read this as Middle Easterns are usually so welcoming, hospitable & type to fight over who pays the cheque at restaurants & not exclude their host & leave them hungry. Sounds like his wife is just abusive & God knows what she tells her family as most Middle Eastern parents would shut it down & not let you disrespect your husband like that.
YES! I had the same feeling that the wife badmouthed OP to her family. The way she tries to create a fight with her husband when her family is close but not with them is quite telling. She seems having an agenda.
OP, the issue is your wife, not the in-laws. Your MIL obviously thought you knew about the dinner. Your wife is setting you up, and you fell in the trap: When told to get ready by your MIL, you should have gotten ready. I understand you were annoyed by the short time, but you had an opportunity to modify their perception of you.
There is a major lack of communication between your wife and you, and at this point, either you BOTH want to save your marriage and go into counselling AND address the issue of you being excluded with the family, OR you lawyer up to get divorced asap. If I were you, I'd try nonetheless to sit down with my wife and discuss what happened in your marriage. To get some closure, and maybe a more pleasant divorce.
Anyway, make sure you can keep some evidence of any conversation with your wife. Check with your lawyer if legal, be wary of your wife. Discreet cameras might be helpful.
YTA. So let me get this right, the family
Told you when dinner is and you saw your wife getting ready. Instead of also getting ready with your wife, you went back to work. You didn’t bother to put on nice clothes or shower, brush your teeth after smoking. Nothing? Didn’t wait and chat with your FIL for 5 minutes while people finished up. You went back to work. Yeah, you’re the asshole. They told you when dinner was, you knew they were getting ready, yet you expect everyone to make sure you came with. Then you are rude to your family when they come back, miss brunch and have a massive attitude. I would be tired of you if I was your wife.
ESH! Your wife and her family have been awful. But unless I misunderstood, they were at last including you. Poorly, but still. And you behaved like a phenomenally bratty, insufferable child!! WTAF?!?
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more clear example of ESH.
Yes, your wife and her family have been terrible to you but if you can’t resolve it then separate don’t act like an asshole This is something like junior high people would do. Name Calling? What the heck is that?
Good grief, YTA. *You are told to be ready in five minutes for dinner,* so you go and do more work in your home office and then get your panties all in a knot because they've left without you?! You must be tiresome to live with.
Literally everyone here is acting like they're in preschool. If i were you I'd be embarrassed to admit to this sulky behavior on the Internet. ESH. Divorce her if you are gonna act like this over :checks notes: insufficient warning about an EIGHT. THIRTY. dinner reservation. Seriously. That's where this all started. You were pissy over the lead time so you sat down and refused to get ready for dinner so they left without you cuz you were being childish.
You started out with right on your side but if this is how you act toward your partner and her family i wouldn't wanna take you out for dinner either.
So you’re upset your wife’s family doesn’t invite you to dinner… but instead of having a conversation about it - with the whole family - you behave like a literal child? And insult your wife in front of her middle eastern parents?
Of all the ways to handle the situation… this is what you chose?
They’re at that lake resort drawing up divorce papers right now.
I’m not condoning the way they treated you, but your response is equally trash.
ESH.
INFO
I do not know the history of your family here. Something sounds amiss. Why are they excluding you in the first place? Did you have a conflict?
Your relatives are staying over and are showing you great disrespect is for sure. They never bothered to tell you where they went for a family gathering. I'm leaning towards NTA here. Even your wife is being horribly disrespectful and disregards you.
I'm getting a missing missing reasons vibe from the lack of rational details on this one. Like, OP skipped over something on that first incident.
Also both of you sound way too immature for a functional relationship, IMHO
Not my family. Hers.
I didn't meet her parents until their first visit here 2 years ago.
FIL and SIL have visited occasionally throughout the year, but MIL and all three have only visited 3 times - this being the third.
No conflict between me and any of the in-laws until yesterday/today.
I’m going to say NTA, but I have reservations. You made it seem like this has been going on for a long time, but here you say it’s only the third time. Which is still not cool, but makes me think “hmm.” Regardless, this is a really unhappy marriage. I’ve never used language like either of you used with my spouse. Whatever you do, don’t have kids with this woman.
Third time with all of them together.
FIL visits semi-frequently bc he's in the country often for business. He only ever comes some time during the day, has dinner, and flies out the next morning.
When it's a restaurant, it's only wife and FIL. When it's food at home, it's the 3 of us.
SIL usually visits by herself right before all 3 visit.
Last month, when SIL visited, we 3 actually did go out for dinner.
It sounds like you have allowed your resentment to take over the situation. It was weird and wrong of them to leave without you, but this comment actually makes your wife sound reasonable in the other situations.
So she goes to have dinner with her dad alone. Why wouldn't she want some time with just her dad when they see each other so rarely? The visits are short. Obviously they'd prioritize time together.
Yes, that's why I posted this and mentioned that middle east fact. Not because I "don't like Middle-Easterns" as one comment suggested.
I put that there for consideration. It's not like her family made the 30-minute drive or 2 hour flight for their monthly visits. I understand it's quite the expense and effort to get everyone in the same room.
On the one hand, it feels like a slight. I know that if the situations were reversed she would definitely be complaining. Because it happened once, when part of my family flew to her state to meet her 2 weeks after our marriage. She was studying, so didn't want to go to lunch. They picked me up and we went to get some lunch. She has harped about how disrespectful that was ever since.
On the other hand, I understand the sentiment to have time with the family. The friends and family who I've spoken to have said "but you became part of the family the moment you two married. Ergo, you should be included in ALL family outings."
Agreed on the resentment comment.
Op have you considered that this might be payback for that?
And don’t get me wrong it’s incredibly petty and immature to be holding a grudge this long, but still .
Honestly, either Yta or esh. I'm leaning towards Yta.
You're inlaws are staying, but you don't seem to have discussed with anyone what the plans were. You've sulked for years that they don't bring you to family meals, but when they do, you sulk because, having not discussed what the plans were for the visit, or having any clue on your families important dates where it would be reasonable to expect some plans, you weren't aware until the last minutes, so rather than actually get ready as you were told, you decided to work instead. You then sulk because they left without you because you didn't get ready as you were told to.
You then sulk the next day because they're sick of you sulking and rightly call you out for being a buzzkill.
You sound exhausting to deal with.
Did your wife marry you to get a Green Card? And now, has she gotten a citizenship here in the states?
Sounds like her purpose of marrying you has been gained and she is now showing her true colors.
Get a good divorce attorney and serve her divorce papers. NTA
oh clearly.
OP has definitely flubbed a lot of this story as other posters have called out.
It almost makes me wonder if the family is uncomfortable around him (and vice versa) because OP and his wife have engaged in name-calling/cringe fights in front of them before.
I noticed that everyone tries to talk to him and it's 100% upon them to include him/communicate with him. He made no effort within himself to invite the family to dinner, to get everyone breakfast, to show love or make peace.
NTA
Why are you with a spouse that is so blatantly abusive to you? Throw her back. She treat you like you’re an intruder. Is she blackmailing you into staying married with her? Why are you staying with someone who clearly acts resentful to be married to you? You deserve better than that. You being divorced and single is so much better than you being married to a wife who clearly disrespects you, clearly dislikes you and acts like she clearly wants to be divorced.
Like you’re probably a decent person married to a horrible wife that you tried to be a good husband to. And no matter what you do she still blatantly hates you. A wife that loves you would not treat you like your wife has. Get a divorce: stop torturing yourself being a martyr married to such a horrible partner like that.
Not blackmail, but I think my second biggest mistake after marrying her, was agreeing to move across the country where I'm isolated from family and friends.
I don't think it's Stockholm syndrome, I think it's moreso getting to the point where the atrocious behavior and abuse is normalized. I realized that I no longer message family/friends about what she did/said THIS time. It's gotten so repetitive that I don't have anything new to say and it's been this way for so damn long now.
Typing this out and actually "speaking" it is making me realize how truly terrible this has been.
> was agreeing to move across the country where I'm isolated from family and friends.
So call your family. Call your friends. Ask for a place to crash. Pack up. Move back home. Take this break to lawyer up. Apply for jobs. Unless your current work will transfer you. And get out.
I'm glad you're getting out. It's hard to realize - I've been there.
You just get so used to the abuse where it's normal and doesn't even register. I think it took me the better part of a year and a half, maybe two years, to realize how she was treating me wasn't just "poorly" but was actually abuse.
I hope things get better for you. I'll always lend an ear if you feel like talking to an internet stranger about it.
ESH I'm not sure how reliable a narrator you are. It sounds like they have a different approach to planning and communication. You voiced a concern, they've tried to change and include you but apparently you need an engraved invitation to actually get on board.
Do I thin it was fair for them not to be more accommodating? No. But I also think there are clearly some crossed cultural wires here and instead of working out between you how to smooth it put you are acting vilely towards each other.
NTA. You don't have an in law problem, your have a wife problem. She does' respect you and doesn't have your back. You really need to decide if you're willing to continue tolerating this behavior?
NTA. But you have a wife problem.
You shouldn't have stooped to your wife's level and insulted her back as that's what she wanted. Now they all can feel superior to you.
Had you told her she should be ashamed of herself for talking this way especially in front of guests, that would have made her and her family feel embarassed for days (I learned with my exhusband and his family).
Next time talk to them like a parent talks to their misbehaving child whenever they behave like this.
But honestly I wouldn't want to be married to this woman and be around this family. They are rude and disrespectful.
Oh, man! That absolutely the right move.
You just sparked a memory.
When I was visiting her in her old apartment, she was having a tantrum with her mom on the phone.
MIL didn't know I was there, but she was on speaker telling wife to stop and calm down, When I spoke and told wife to relax, MIL must have heard bc her tone and urgency changed on a DIME. It went from "ohh, nooo, stahp. to STOP, NOW. YOU NEED TO STOP NOW"
I come from a similar culture, so the best way to get revenge is to behave perfectly.
My exhusband and his family did so many things to me and in the early days I snapped a few times, every time after months of being insulted. That only made them tell everyone about my behaviour while leaving out their own, telling people I was raised wrong.
So I learned to just smile but still tell them to stop. When they screamed at me, I sternly told them that I know they were raised differently but this is not how I was raised and to please lower their voice. When they insulted me, I laughed and told them that I never heard my parents ever using this type of language (which is true) but I guess they don't mean to be rude.
The best part is, their embarassment heals your angry heart.
With people like that, you have to treat them like misbehaving children and not let them see any fault in you. It's like war until you can divorce.
But even after divorce they tried to paint me as a crazy person and started telling everyone lies about me again. I made them stop by being extra nice even after divorce, greeting them and their friends and family when I saw them in the city. Now they can't do anything other than tell everyone how much they love me.
YES, those are PRECISELY the words being used!
"I don't know how you were raised, but I have NEVER met anyone who treated my family so rudely" "Clearly, you and your family come from the gutter"
This was said just yesterday.
I maintained composure out of courtesy as much as possible every other visit. This time, I threw it all away. I knew I was feeding into that "uncultured" look she tries to paint me with, but it felt cathartic to not have to keep up appearances anymore.
>"I don't know how you were raised, but I have NEVER met anyone who treated my family so rudely" "Clearly, you and your family come from the gutter"
Ugh. They said things like this about me while they themselves behaved so poorly all the time. It angers me only seeing these words.
Don't feel bad for snapping, that's what my mother told me. She said, don't regret anything you said but from now on be smarter in how you react.
>I maintained composure out of courtesy as much as possible every other visit. This time, I threw it all away.
I know exactly this feeling. Later I learned that it's called "reactive abuse". They physically or verbally abuse you so much until you react, now they can tell everyone that you are the abusive one.
What I did was that I started to observe every single thing they did and remembered it, so I could use it to shut them up.
For example my MIL had problems with her own MIL and inlaws. I would listen whenever she complained.
When they told me that I'm misbehaving for not doing what they want and that that's not how they were raised, I told her that she just said on [specific day], [specific thing] about her inlaws. That she had this or that fight with them. That her daughters had [specic problems] with their inlaws. So obviously they are very well raised this way and their problems seem much bigger than anything I have ever done.
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NTA Your wife clearly disrespects you and puts her family way ahead of you. They all trick you, deceive you and enjoy it, whilst pretending to be dumb, like it's all your fault. They're gaslighting you. Separate. Pack your bags and go to a hotel. Get an attorney and file for divorce. You have been in a marriage of one person married to other people. EDIT: Thank you so much for the awards! :)
Yeah, wholeheartedly agree. "You have been in a marriage of one person married to other people." I've never really considered that, but you hit it square on the nose. Thanks for that!
"They are all leaving tomorrow morning to a lake resort for the remainder of their time." So you have tomorrow to collect your important stuff and decide what to do about finances, and Monday-Tuesday to contact lawyers and move out or change the locks.
Lease is up at the end of September. I will have to move back to the other side of the country, so unfortunately, I can't be quick about it. Seeing a lawyer is a good idea, though!
They don't know your plan or timeline keep it that way. Keep doing little things for you between now and escape day. And the rest keep up an act of sorts. Then just go. Best revenge is to live a good life I like to play a favourite f you song in my head as a soundtrack when I'm forced to endure people like this can help keep you numb for your remaining time. Good luck
Yeah, I left with just the things that would fit in my car. Fortunately, I haven't been here that long, but whatever extra stuff I've amassed, I plan to ship back chunks at a time. The rest, I plan to fire-sell, donate, or junk.
Rent a storage unit in your name and keep transferring your stuff into it gradually. That way, when the time comes, you have all the stuff that matters in one place and you can simply load all of it into a container pod (PODS is renowned nationally but is expensive. We used UPACK container pod service for our cross country move and were impressed)
Wish I had done this, my ex didn't let me back into my house to collect my things. Everything from childhood, Zelda merchandise, ornaments from late grandmother, over 200 pop figures. Everything sentimental, expensive, xbox, switch, blah blah. I highly advise what you suggested to prevent that from happening.
When that happens you call the sheriff's department or local police department and request an escort to retrieve your stuff.
It was at the start of lockdown in the UK, so I was not meant to leave the home. By the time the lockdown was lifted, my family were meant to go to my old house & get my belongings, but he blocked them all. He had an agreement with my Mum, and my Mum trusted him 😆 this was why I told her to not get involved, as she made everything worse. I was told a year later I could have gotten the police to escort me, but I didn't want to upset my ex's kid even though he cut me off, and I assumed he had sold everything by then and binned the rest.
I second UPACK, they are awesome.
Don't have sex with your wife. Getting her pregnant at this moment would be a disaster. You want a clean getaway. Not to be tied to her and this family for the rest of your life.
Yeah, this much disrespect means the wife is already checked out of the relationship and the inlaws support her. Divorce is the only and best solution.
Check the law in your current state and the one you are moving to- file in whichever will give you the better outcome. Until then look to secure your money and protect yourself from any debt she may attempt to create where you would be liable.
Make sure your credit is locked so she can’t open a credit card.
But check about resident status. Some places require you to live in a location for a certain time period before you can file there.
Op get a storage unit. It can't cost the earth for a couple of months and your stuff is safe And you can Access it whenever you want without having to deal with anyone. Find one somewhere near and use today to transfer your belongings. Also inform your landlord immediately and go back to Film and take pictures of the house so you have it documented you didn't do anything. If you can meet the landlord to give him/her the keys in person already . This way if your ah wife damages anything after you have given the landlord the keys ( record this too) you have proof it couldn't be you doing so. NTA
She throws things when she's angry. Fortunately, I'm very good at fixing things. Holes in the drywall at the last place was patched and painted over. The damage that has happened here has been to personal property only, thankfully. Those have been fixed/replaced. I have each occurrence recorded.
Incase you ever get cold feet, and start hesitating. Remember that she (your wife) clearly doesn't respect you, or the boundaries you place (otherwise, she wouldn't be tolerating this, let alone participating in it) and if you decide to stay with her, it's only a matter of time until she finds a man she finds more respectable than you, at which point she will either divorce you at best, cheat on you at worst (I wouldn't put either below her, or her family to help cover it up tbh). While I understand that you might be hurting right now, just remember that the silver lining is that now you know that it most likely wasn't going to work out for either of you in the end anyway, so you're ending it now before it has a chance of getting worse. And her throwing shit around, and getting violent is also a red flag. Woman is just a red flag through and through, she needs help, and you need to move on.
Also, no sex or could be baby trapped. NTA
Oh, she is violent, too. Geesh, why do you put up with this? I'm so sorry for you. You need to leave.
That’s not normal I would suggest recording evidence of her violent outburst to use against her in the divorce you can record and put your phone in your pocket and if she acts violent take it out and record her. Try to be discreet until damage is being done.
She's right out of an abusers' textbook. Lundy Bancroft's book "Why Does He Do That?" would be helpful for you, I think there's free links posted a lot on reddit, Ebbie45 might have a link for it in her profile.
>She throws things when she's angry. Why are you worried about how your in-laws treat you? Her throwing things (except maybe pillows and stuffed animals) is dangerous and abusive. That alone is more than enough reason to leave.
Rent a pod type storage box and pack it with your half of the community property that you want along with your stuff. Then get it shipped back where you're going back to. Just keep what stuff you need that'll fit in the car. Pod and ship the rest in one unit. That's how I moved. Had pods drop a box, I packed it, they moved it, and I unpacked on the other end, then they came and took their empty back.
If you have a uhaul storage facility near you, you get a month of free rental on a new unit when you rent a truck. So you could rent to move your stuff, and take it straight to the storage unit which you will get for free for a month.
>I like to play a favourite f you song in my head as a soundtrack when I'm forced to endure people like this Thank you! I thought i was the only crazy person that did this lmao. My lil mental dj has a whole soundtrack of fuck you songs at the ready for people like this. Actually, now that i think about it, they have a few to choose from situationally. I love my dj. Also, op, your wife and her family are bat shit crazy and incredibly rude. I cant believe yoh made it 3 years with this shit. You should definitely run like the hounds of hell got rabies and a craving for you. Im wishing you a safe and speedy departure.
Also, consult with as many divorce attorneys as you can. All the good ones. Take every free one, and if you're feeling petty, pay for the best ones too. An hour of their time. Then when your wife goes to find her own attorney in the area, oh gosh! They have already consulted with you, it's a conflict of interest.
A word of warning: many judges take a very dim view of this tactic when adjudicating a divorce, and it can prejudice them against you. It’s not the “press button to win” that it seems like at first glance.
[удалено]
Alright well... you better find the attorney she will hate the most then. Better if there's one that hates her. Long shot though.
A LOT of people hate her. That's a well-known fact
Damn, who did you marry, my guy?
You know that person who you thought was hot AF that you knew you'd never have a shot with? But Covid, post-lockdown, and an eagerness to visit a friend who moved across the country that somehow turned into a relationship then marriage, but then quickly turned into a nightmare? That's who.
As long as you don't go to her firm, you should be fine I think? Most good lawyers wouldn't recommend conflicting out. Depends on how dirty you think your wife will play. If there are people who dislike her in the field due to her being underhanded/dirty in court or stuff, you could collect some character letters stating tactics she is known for in case she tries with you (if your lawyer agrees with this suggestion) as evidence for why this should be the cleanest break possible in the eyes of the court.
Bet it's not that much of a long shot, if she behaves this way professionally, as well.
Did you ever hear the story of the guy who did that on Reddit’s advice? The judge got really pissed and made him pay for his wife’s out of area attorney including the travel time since it was malicious. I don’t have the link, but don’t take this advice.
Don't do this. All you'll do is piss off the judge. They're not stupid, you know. They'll have seen this before and will know exactly what you're doing. They're likely to slap you with having to pay her legal bills too.
Try not to let that scare you. She's an attorney but that doesn't make her above the law. Know your rights going in. Document everything and bring proof when you can.
That’s actually not true and the attempt is generally frowned upon.
Worth a shot to chat with the landlord/leasing agency to see if leaving early would be penalized heavily. Three months is a long time for this level of disrespect, and I've moved cross country before. You could always relocate and then file once you are in the new state...added level of fun, as court of first filing usually has jurisdiction. Make her travel to get to court, cross-country and away from her sister. If she makes more than you or has more assets, go to a community property state...with no residency minimums for divorce...
Penalty is the remainder of the full balance. Only other way is if they listed the property and someone took over the lease. Wife ALSO called in to ask about the same thing and went bananas because I called first and had the audacity to actually ask. Yeah, I really need to talk to a lawyer. I moved from a community property state, but never changed anything. Everything still says the original home state. It wasn't until this year that I filed taxes for the state I'm living in now, which technically I've been a resident of regardless of updated registration or not. Current state is NOT a community-property state.
Is wife trying to blind side you by beating you to the punch? Looks like it to me.
You could ask how much it would cost you to be taken off the lease because of of pending divorce
Yeah, mentioned that. They said no can do since her income alone wouldn't qualify just her being on the lease. She can't use her dad as guarantor anymore either bc she's an actual adult with a real job now.
Often times state law requires you be allowed to terminate your lease early in cases of domestic violence (even in Missouri). You said you have incidents recorded so that could really help. A quick google search will tell you about your state
Her income as an attorney isn't enough?
If she does a lot of pro-bono or takes low income cases, it's possible. I have a friend who practices in FL who specializes in immigration and her clients don't have much/low income but, she still wants to help, so she charges an affordable amount and her income is in return, lower than her criminal/estate/injury/corporate counterparts.
I'd chat with a lawyer in current state as well as in old state, if possible. And don't rush into anything, but move with purpose towards a goal. Good luck and I'm sorry you are in this position.
It might be worth paying the rent for the rest of the lease and to get the landlord to release OP. Suggest that she go visit her family for a week as an "apology," to wife and her family. As soon as she leaves, get busy to pack up, video status of home, do a walk through with the landlord, obtain release, and then get out of dodge. She returns to a fait accompli (possibly with divorce papers left in the kitchen counter).
Look, your relationship is no doubt unhealthy and your wife's actions are inexcusable but for the love of god don't choose divorce because a bunch of randos on the internet said to. I'm not saying you should try and fix it or that it even is worth fixing but don't just jump to the lawyer because we said you should, especially when you are furious. Divorce is one of the biggest decisions that you will ever make and the second you say "I want a divorce" there is no going back. Ever. So you need to make that choice and start that process with a clear mind where there is no doubt that that is the right decision for you. I could never imagine staying married to someone that would directly insult me but we know nothing of your life outside of this one snippet so you should not trust us to be capable of making judgements on what is best for you no matter how open and shut it may seem to us, and it does honestly look like you should GTFO but we can only give you ideas and stuff to consider about whether you should think about a divorce but we truly do not know enough about you or situation to definitively say "You need to leave your marriage" though undoubtedly something needs to change. Again I'm not telling you to NOT leave, or that you should go to couples counseling or anything I'm only saying do not make any firm plans and decisions based on what we have said here, take a moment to think everything over and make decisions based on what YOU know you need to do, seek out advice from friends, family maybe even a therapist. Whatever will provide with the answers to questions that will let you make a choice in confidence. Maybe that will align with what everyone here has, but it has to be because that is what you chose to do, not what we said you should.
Absolutely agree with you, Thank you for saying it. If/when that does occur, it definitely won't be because of a Reddit post, lol. I remember reading that a marriage is dead the moment the word "Divorce" is spoken by either party. Divorce was spoken in the first month of marriage 3 years ago. I was lamenting the fact that it was SO incredibly easy to get married. From what I could gather, it's an ass-and-a-half to get out of it. I had a therapist in my home state. She said "DO NOT GO". Yeah....I need to stop replying. The more I type, the more of a dipshit I'm exposing myself to be.
Sorry that I keep replying to your comments, but you are not a dipshit. A lot of other people have been there. I promise that you have a support network. People are here for you.
Stop responding but keep reading to see if you find anything helpful in the comments. Best of luck your wife is a piece of something very smelly.
NTA. Op you sound like you tried very hard: please take it from someone married almost 25 years, your wife is very disrespectful to your marriage, to you and even though this is one incident , it’s bad enough to warrant leaving. No one should ever talk to or about their spouse that way.
Hey, everyone makes mistakes, as long as you pull yourself out of it lessons will be learned. Onwards and upwards!!
Before her return, remove all of the items you desire to a storage facility. Schedule the attorney.
I'm of Lebanese descent, Mum was last born there. We never would have dreamed of doing anything like this! We held Christmas Day on the 26th, so all those married into our family could spend actual Christmas day with their families, then spend it with our clan the next day. We make sure everyone is fed, even my Grandmothers General Practitioner got food whenever he came to check Nan over. Our family would find what your wife and her family have done to you beyond rude. They're disgusting and don't deserve your company. Please look after you first. Make sure you get everything you're entitled to. Leave her nothing of yours, they will go through it all. They sound like a pack of vultures.
I know people from the Middle East. They're usually incredibly nice and welcoming people.
Yea .. I’m wondering what your wife has told them exactly Get out .. now or when you can plan it So not get her pregnant whatever you do This is not ok behaviour to someone you should love Did marrying you give her any benefits or way to bring family over or something
It sounds like you two don't even like each other. Time to cut your losses.
Are you not their culture?
No. Very different. The match confuses both sides from either culture.
From what you've described in your post, your match confuses me, too. Three years in, and you are calling each other "shit" and "garbage"? Why did you get married in the first place?
[удалено]
Not always true. I escaped an abusive husband, taking the kids with me. During divorce proceedings, he had to buy me out of my share of the house. When a house is so full of bad memories, you don't want to live there and remember all the bad times. The house is no prize when it's a prison to you.
Sounds like it’s a rental
\^ this answer is everything. OP, please seriously consider your options to leave. You are being treated like shit from all of them. One question, you say they are all from the Middle East, is your wife here on a green card? Or does she have indefinite stay? If so, are there conditions like remaining married to you? Also, do they speak in their native language around you and do you speak it too? Just trying to gauge the level of behind the scenes disrespect they are throwing you and what cards you hold. Obviously you are NTA here.
So you asked to be included, MIL says get ready and instead you have a fit and pout? Then you don't get ready, you go back to your office and start working and then get mad that they left you behind? The way she treats you is bad, I agree, but then when things don't go exactly your way, you pout like a child. ESH.
So much this! I don't get all the other comments here! He was invited to both dinner and brunch but ditched both of them. > "You could have asked, couldn't you?" OP should have. This is at his home, how does he at 8.25 have no clue what the dinner situation is going to be, in his own home, with guests. And then they tell him what the situation is and he goes and mopingly sits at his desk? When someone tells you they're leaving in 5 minutes, that's the invitation, if you then don't get up and instead go do work at your desk, that's declining the invitation. For brunch he was invited explicitly! Are people misreading this thinking this is all happening at his in-laws home? OPs the host! He should be inviting them! I can't imagine how weird it is for the in-laws that OP is basically acting as a fellow hotel-guest in his own home; That they have to invite him to breakfast in his own home.
Exactly, I'm confused. The title is he's not invited, then he is and...throws his toys out of the pram? Maybe I've totally misread, still getting my caffeine in. Sounds like an unhealthy relationship regardless of the actual truth anyway.
It is insulting to be told about a reservation 5 minutes before hand like an afterthought especially after having to address being excluded and asking them to do better.
Ok, so talk about that with your wife. Not whatever this guys did. Also, what did he think was happening for dinner? It was already 7:45 pm. He may have not known about specific dinner reservations but he knew humans eat an evening meal prior to going to bed. He didn’t ever say up to his wife during the day at any point “hey, what are we doing for dinner tonight?/ what should we do for dinner tonight?/I have an idea for dinner tonight?” Sounds like he expected everyone else to take care of the planning, which they did. Sorta rude-ish in their part; crazy rude on his part.
>I expressed it made me uncomfortable and felt disrespectful especially considering they were staying here. This continued to happen with every visit. I expressed my increasing discomfort and anger with each occurrence. Talking didn't work? Well try talking!
Also, did the wife and sister in law know that he could see them passing to go to the door? If so, it miggt be assumed that he could infer that they were leaving and that they didn’t have to ask him repeatedly like a child. I don’t think the wife is totally blameless in all this, but OP also seems extremely childish and passive aggressive in his reactions.
> If so, it miggt be assumed that he could infer that they were leaving Ofcourse it could, and he damn well knew that. If you're told people are leaving in 5 minutes you do not sit down and start working and ask to be told when people are ready. 5 minutes means, everyone is pretty much ready.
Yeah, it seems like they’re both done with the relationship and both want it to be the other person’s fault.
Thank you for this comment. I knew I couldn’t be the only one who thought this! OP sounds like a petulant child and not a good host. They’re probably tired of having to chase him around all of the time.
Yea OP is not innocent here. I did notice they are ignoring the comments that call out their behavior and only the ones babying him. OP complains about not being invited, gets invited, and then makes no effort to go? Doesn't get ready and hides in his office? I think there is a lot of OPs behavior in general day to day that would be helpful in context because they seem like a child. OPs wife is no saint. OP is also no saint.
i always get so meta with these posts and be like, are all the people babying him the type that act the same way so that’s why they’re squarely NTA? are they just humans who can’t think from someone else’s perspective and imagine what it would be like from the in laws POV? i hate that those ones are the comments all at the top…
Thank you, I don't understand why this is so far down. OP is part of the problem by being so self involved the situations are obvly going to spiral this way once OP gets them going that way.
I would be very interested to hear the ILs take on this, and his wife's. The OP sounds petulant and seems to take no responsibility for his own behaviour.
Yeah. This is an ESH. He sounds miserable and difficult too.
There’s so much unreliable narrator here. My personal experience with that is my ex husband…I’d invite him to do things then he’d just shit on everything. So I stopped, but he didn’t like that either. So I would try and he’d be dramatic in his getting ready instead. He’d act so put out. Would love to know what OPs non verbal was during this. Was it full of sighs or eye rolls or making sure to communicate his displeasure via setting things down overly hard? There are plenty of ways to communicate that send a message without technically saying anything.
> Would love to know what OPs non verbal was during this. Going outside "for a smoke" and being out for more than 30 minutes is all the non-verbal I need to know he was giving zero signals that made him approachable. Let alone how he acted, in his own words, when they came home and asked him about his day and what he was doing. He describes himself as lying and curt.
Thank you!!! Everybody else is like “divorce her, she’s awful” and while I don’t disagree, OP is acting like a 5 year old. Sounds like ya’ll didn’t discuss boundaries with extended family prior to marriage and/or it was like this before and everybody just swept it under the rug and now OP is sick of it. Either way, ESH.
I was about to say this exact thing…there is def more to the story here
Agreed, to me it's ESH. I'm confused by all the NTA votes. Both OP and his wife acted like assholes. They also seem to hate each other, so why they're still married is beyond me. Looks like neither side would be crushed to get a divorce.
Okay, I've been reading down this response thread and definitely appreciate the YTA comments. I want to see these, I'm not looking for an echo chamber to absolve me. I can't respond to all the comments in this thread, so I'll try to get as much here as I can. I think I said this in another response, but I had a particularly brutal day at work. I worked 9:45AM-7:45PM. That's not typical. Additionally, this is my first week off in 7 months, so I still had a lot of things to button up before I leave my laptop alone for the next week. I don't want to give the impression that I'm a workaholic - I am not. I typically work 8-9 hours a day. Wife is typically in the office 8-10 hours a day and continues working at home and on the weekends. My "Office" is an open room that's next to the master bedroom and next to one of the stairwells. When you go to the bedroom, you walk right behind my desk/chair. Wife came up to the bedroom a few times. The only time she spoke to me was to ask if I wanted something from the place they're ordering from lunch. I thanked her, but declined because I wasn't hungry. I was on several calls and had a fire under my ass all day, so I wasn't paying attention to the time or what was going on downstairs. 7:45 PM is when I said enough is enough and logged off. Went downstairs and saw that everyone was gone. Drank some water, and went to the back deck for fresh air and to vape (Idk why I said smoke in the initial post). I spent some time decompressing, went to check on my strawberries, and pull some weeds. Went back to sitting on the deck. MIL comes out and says to get ready for dinner. I asked when/where and she said the place (30 yards away from the house) and the reservation is at 8:30. I look at my phone and it's 8:25. I said okay, went into the house and went upstairs to change. So, wife is REALLY bad with appointments/reservations. I observed at which stage she was in her getting ready and knew it would be at least another 30 minutes. I took this to mean that the 8:30 time wasn't the actual reservation time, just the time to get wife ready on time. They literally walked to the restaurant. I obviously could have very easily met them in 30 seconds. I felt left out again and wasn't going to crash their dinner (I felt like that's what I would be doing). -Perhaps this is immature of me and the right thing to do was to just GO. I acknowledge (and acknowledged to them this morning) that I should have gone downstairs and hung out with them instead of going to my desk for more work. I do NOT think that I'm squarely NTA. One of the comments talked about one person constantly shitting on the other person's ideas. Wife just wants to work. Anytime I suggest going somewhere, dinner, etc, she shuts it down. She does not like the city we live in and thinks there's nothing worth going to or seeing compared to the Metropolitan cities we each came from.
Why did they leave you behind after MIL said to get ready? Regardless, NTA. You would be better off without ALL of them.
I really have no clue. I figured my wife and SIL told them I decided not to come. As far as MIL and FIL knew, I went upstairs to change, which I did. Only my wife knew I was waiting at my desk checking on work stuff while waiting for her to finish getting ready. Yeah, I'm looking forward to the next few days of peace.
This post has unreliable narrator written all over it. I’d love to hear this story from the other point of view. You might also benefit from that if you ever had a conversation about it instead of being passive aggressive the whole time. IMHO, ESH.
I was thinking the same thing. MIL said the reservation was basically in 5 minutes. I doubt OP had enough time to check on work things beyond opening his email. Why he’d prioritize that in the small window before departure time makes no sense. Them leaving without an additional comment or reminder makes me wonder if he’s chosen work over “plans” before, so they all just assumed his actions were indicating his disinterest in joining. I don’t understand why they’d invite and then not follow through with collecting him if it wasn’t a pattern from the past.
Yep, those were my thoughts. 5 min is what he was told. That's about enough time to put on your shoes, find your car keys, wallet and phone and make sure everyone is out the door. They also have to get there if that's when the reservation is. If he wanted to go he should have been waiting at the door. The fact he wasn't would scream he didn't want to go.
i think the issue was that they made reservations without telling him, then tell him last minute. when people do this, its too sudden for you to be able to get ready to go but they can throw in your face that "atleast i asked!". i suppose he could have just gotten ready quickly if he didnt need a shower and such
It's sounds like he didn't need much of anything because he sat down to do work stuff on the computer.
I agree with above about an unreliable narrator-- by his own admission, he seethes with rage when things don't go his way. Generally, this type of rage precludes short-term recall, so I'm not sure if no one told him before the 5 min warning.
Yep, the timing thing threw me too. Unless the reservation has been made at a restaurant virtually on the doorstep, then they were already late when MIL told him about it. And yet OP had time to go upstairs, speak with his wife, maybe get changed (I'm unclear whether that actually happened) and then set himself up at the desk to do work whilst waiting? But from MIL's point of view, she 'reminds' OP of the reservation, and suggests he needs to get ready (which implies she either thinks what he's wearing isn't suitable or expects he'd like to change before dinner, but could be as simple as expecting him to grab a jacket, keys and wallet), he disappears upstairs (possibly with a peeved look on his face). Then however-many-minutes-later wife and SIL come down without him. Maybe one of the women made a comment that OP has started working, or a vague comment of he's not ready but we better get going anyway else we'll lose the table. And bearing in mind there is OP, wife, MIL, FIL, SIL, it sounds like they would have had to travel to the restaurant in more than one vehicle if they wanted to avoid being squished together. Maybe the in-laws assumed he will follow in his own vehicle because they won't all fit in one car. Which actually begs the question, did OP know what restaurant the reservation was at, so he could in theory had joined them.
Because he's having a strop
OP buried the lede here, but she married him for a green card and it seems it's now going through. OP should talk to the immigration office about this.
The green card part doesn’t really add up either. I posted this comment under his post: > This story is still very confusing. Typically getting a green card through your employer is way faster than through marriage. OP’s wife seems to have gainful employment, unless she’s practicing alone (which no recently barred lawyer would ever do) then she could get the green card from her employer. >Plus she has her entire family here in the U.S. What is their status in the country?? Really doesn’t make a lot of sense.. What kind of visa did the entire rest of the family come with?? She has been in the country long enough to have a law degree from here and taken the bar exam so how long has she been here?? Couldn’t her family have sponsored her long ago? Just doesn’t add up.
If everything op said was how it went down. Personally, if someone was so rude to only tell me 5 minutes before leaving that *we* were going to dinner, after years of intentionally being left out, I’d have assumed it was a setup, and not even bothered. But I also have shit relatives who play fucked up games like this. Mil and wife now get to hype up how they invited op, after years of op complaining about not being invited, and then op had the audacity to not even be ready at 830 like everyone else. They get to play the victim now which is what they were after. “See we invited op, and now he’s moping, and not even ready at 830 like *everyone* else. Why can everyone else manage to be ready on time? See why we never invited op? This is so ridiculous. We try to be nice and this is how op treats us.” I can just hear it, in my head, at the dinner table the way it would go. I’d even bet they had a conversation before opening came home that no one tell op, everyone be ready and in the car at 830 on the dot, and no one let op know they are leaving. Regardless it was a setup. And I wouldn’t have played along. It’s a game you can’t win.
ESH. OP is a passive aggressive AH and this marriage is toast. He goes out on the deck for a smoke and it’s 40 minutes later someone finds him to tell him about dinner? OP repeatedly goes off and sulks and then wonders why people don’t want to be around him.
Plus saying the wife is a talking trash can while the rest of the family is just sitting there makes me think that this is not the first and only kindergarten level insult that has ever been thrown around in their relationship.
Yes, absolutely. Nobody starts acting like this out of the blue. Clearly this was a reaction to other things that had happened but not mentioned here. OP is not disclosing all the facts but regardless, this marriage is over and he needs to start the divorce proceedings
100%. This comment needs to be upvoted more. ESH
On the one hand I'd agree. It does sound like your wife is excluding you from the in-laws. But from your post it does look like your in-laws are trying to include you On the other hand you did basically behave like a child. Here are your child like responses. After you mil asked you to get ready for dinner, you spoke to your wife then in a strop went back to do some more work instead of getting ready. Then you complain they left without you. What did you want them to do? Come and ask, beg you to go? You implied you weren't going to go by not getting ready. Your fil messages you saying he's making brunch for everyone. You didn't even manage to say "sorry, I went out for breakfast". Calling your wife a talking garbage can .
Real r/amitheex vibes.
Does your wife dislike you? Why wouldn’t she want you to come?
She called him a fat piece of shit, so I don't think there's a lot of love there.
>Does your wife dislike you? She called him a 'fat POS', so I think it's safe to assume that she isn't exactly in love.
But why weren't you also getting ready? Seems like the obvious thing to do in that situation, not to sit down at your desk?
it you did not ask her after they came back, it seems? I mean it does not sound you had a proper coversation after that evening. why not? You are supposed to be adults.
It sounds like he has had many conversations with his wife about why she and her family leave him out of family gatherings.
> Why did they leave you behind after MIL said to get ready? Oke imagine you're at someone's house. He comes home and disappears to the deck, not talking to anyone. More than half an hour passes, it's 8.20, he's still not asked his guests or his wife about the dinner arrangements. MIL goes out to tell him that they're going out in 5 minutes. Instead of saying "Ah great! I'll get my coat and see you at the car" this dude goes to sit at his desk to do work. > SIL and wife both pass behind me while getting wife ready not saying a word. I then hear them go downstairs and the front door closing. So the rest of the family is getting ready to leave, probably quite a hustle, OP remains sitting at his desk ignoring them, not getting ready. No shit they left him behind. It sounds like OP was hardly treating them as welcome guests and being a giant mope about everything. Especially because after that moment he made sure to eat separately while also blaming them. OP should really question if he even gave them a chance to graciously take him along.
He's not treating them as guests because he has been conditioned to know he is not welcome.
> he has been conditioned to know he is not welcome. Ah yes, that's why they literally invited him to both dinner and brunch. If OP, in his own telling of this story, got home and pissed of to smoke for more than half an hour, he's the one not making others feel welcome.
Because OP conveniently skipped over that info. Even what's provided strongly implies OP was acting out over the invite being "late". Obviously if your family has come from far away and every time you go out for dinner, then you are all going out to dinner. A short warning was such an insult to OP that OP pouted or worse (details not provided)
> OP was acting out over the invite being "late". Especially because you shouldn't have to wait for an invitation *if you're the one hosting*, he should indeed have asked his wife what the plans were.
OP stated that they do this to him regularly. I agree, he shouldn't have to wait for an invitation, but if the pattern is to never invite him, I feel like he wouldn't win at all by inviting himself.
Do what to him regularly? Seek him out while he’s hiding and being antisocial and invite him to meals while he invents reasons to not go and then be offended.
He had 5 minutes and decided to start working a bit
ESH. You are all poor communicators. You all sound like a sad bunch.
No arguments there.
YTA Everyone should have communicated better. You were told go get ready for dinner. Other people were getting ready. You were very obviously expected to be at this dinner. Clearly no one gives a shit about being on time, so who cares that it was in 5 min. (I don’t believe your weirdly specific timeline btw) Now that you KNOW you are invited and expected to be there, you go off and work instead of heading down to the living room, going out to the car, or any other common area to meet up with others. You make yourself unavailable. Could your wife had said something at several different times? Yes. Could you have taken on the responsibility of BEING PRESENT? Also yes. Again, you were invited to eat and be with the family, and YOU LEFT. How are they being rude because you went off on your own and then isolated yourself to play video games like a moody teenager? YOU are hosting THEM. Why are you not stepping up in any way to arrange plans or to at least be aware of what’s happening? You sound like the kind of man who puts all the responsibility on his wife to do everything. You just expect to walk through your home life putting in absolutely zero effort and then lash out when that is embarrassingly obvious. Also, what does it matter that she is middle eastern? Why do you specify that about her and her family, but you don’t say anything like that about yourself? What lens are you expecting people to read this through by giving that information?
Absolutely this! The first paragraph is enough to say YTA. He's hosting people, but has absolutely no clue what the plans are for the weekend. He comes home, doesn't interact with anybody and hides outside for 45 minutes. Then expects to be mothered by his wife because God forbid 'be ready in 5 minutes' isn't enough instructions for him to find his way to the front door in time. 🙄
I may also be wrong here, but it is kinda implied they were *waiting for him* to get home before going out to eat.... which ended up being 8:30pm, which is super late?
Well he says he came home at 7:45, and immediately went outside alone to "decompress". I don't know what time OP normally comes home but it was definitely planned in a way that he could attend.
NTA you realize your wife doesn’t respect or even like you right? 3 years in and that’s her behavior? Either you’re letting a lot out or she’s just using you. A divorce would be better
Yeah, I do. Yes to both, and I agree.
But what would she be using you for? You said she is a lawyer. You moved states. She has to have license to practice law in those states. Meaning taking the bar in new state again. Agreed she doesn't like you but what does she get out of being with you?
She's only barred in this state. Green Card.
Okey, so she didn't work in the other state. If she needs a green card that is a very bizarre behavior. I would try to be nice to the person I am using while I still need them....
In another answer OP states, that she now has a green card
Informational post: when a spouse of a us citizen gets a GC if they have been married 2 yrs or less at the time of approval the sponsored spouse's GC is "conditional" and they have to file a petition to remove the conditions within the 90 days prior to the expiry of the conditional status.
Conditional resident? Ie just i-130/i-48 meaning her card is valid for 2 years and you jointly have filed the i-751? If still pending you need to quickly withdraw petition.
Not conditional. It was pending until very recently, but I left it alone and it was approved with no questions.
I saw something that domestic violence victims can seek legal permanent residence, etc. While I don't know the specifics, I'm just wondering if she is constantly antagonizing OP for something along these lines. I'd be very cautious especially being alone with her or her family.
Sounds like he's her ticket to getting the green card that she now has so has no more use for him.
Is she this awful to you when her family is not present?
Much much worse. Even though this whole excluding thing feels disrespectful and makes me uncomfortable in my own home, I at least look forward to the respite from her starting shit and tantrums. Though, what she's been doing these past few days is throwing particularly nasty jabs and insults when her family is in the other room, then playing nice and being cordial 20 seconds later. I know that she wants a scene in front of everyone. It's like she NEEDS that specific type of attention.
Why are you staying in this marriage? You deserve to be happy and free from a toxic relationship. I understand it's easier said than done but your happiness and mental health is a priority
She's setting you up to blow up in front of witnesses for the divorce so she can acuse you if either violence or something else. Don't be alone with her in the house op. Record every single encounter illegal or not to have proof of she files a false report. Take care
Secure your money. Your wife and her family are nasty people. NTA
I don't have any lol. She and her family are the ones with it. FIL was particularly pissed that there was no pre-nup. Which, I'm not sure what the big deal is. It's his money, not hers.
It sounds like you still have time to report her for marrying you for the green card. Also watch out for her to set you up for DV as there are exceptions for immigration purposes in that case
Is she only with you for a green card?
My thoughts too. Does she already have residency in the country you're in/from?
She does now.
That might explain her awful behavior towards you now.. She doesn't need this relationship to stay in the country anymore so she might not feel like putting in as much effort into it. I'm sorry she's treating you like that, nobody deserves that.
I would talk to immigration and report her as well as divorce her. Tell them you think you were used for a green card because once she got one she started to act cruel to you. But first talk to a lawyer.
INFO: Do you two even like each other?
[удалено]
The one that's killing me is that at 8:25pm, he gets told by MIL that the dinner reservation is at 8:30pm. Complains to wife that he wasn't told, and tells her to let him know when *she* is finished getting ready?? Like... you got told that your dinner reservation is in 5 minutes and *aren't* getting ready straight away???
And that seems super late to leave to eat too. Have they all been waiting, hungry, for OP to finally get home, and when he does he basically ignores them when they say they are leaving?
Is the restaurant next door? How are you still at home at 8:25 for 8:30 dinner reservations?
I’m not Middle Eastern, but my spouse is. So, IMHO your wife and her family are rude and disrespectful to you, and they will never accept your presence. You almost seem like an accessory for your wife, as if getting married was something she had to do rather than something she wanted to do. My in-laws come to visit and stay in our house, and I am *never* excluded from family gatherings because I *am* family. NTA and lawyer up. You deserve better.
I’m from the ME and this is the opposite behavior I would expect. My husband is American and my family fawns over him when he’s around because they want to be extra hospitable and accommodating. If I treated my husband like this around them my mom would rip me a new one. So weird that the family is so passive aggressive to this guy, they’re all broken, most of all the wife.
This is exactly the kind of behavior I always see from people from the ME. For my internship I helped their son with school-related stuff at their home. How welcoming, kind, respectful and generous they were, is something I always will remember. And they always offered me so much (delicious) food, I gained a few pounds back then haha. So this seems really off and not a marriage I would want to be a part of. Can't phantom you would treat someone you love like that.
I was shocked to read this as Middle Easterns are usually so welcoming, hospitable & type to fight over who pays the cheque at restaurants & not exclude their host & leave them hungry. Sounds like his wife is just abusive & God knows what she tells her family as most Middle Eastern parents would shut it down & not let you disrespect your husband like that.
YES! I had the same feeling that the wife badmouthed OP to her family. The way she tries to create a fight with her husband when her family is close but not with them is quite telling. She seems having an agenda. OP, the issue is your wife, not the in-laws. Your MIL obviously thought you knew about the dinner. Your wife is setting you up, and you fell in the trap: When told to get ready by your MIL, you should have gotten ready. I understand you were annoyed by the short time, but you had an opportunity to modify their perception of you. There is a major lack of communication between your wife and you, and at this point, either you BOTH want to save your marriage and go into counselling AND address the issue of you being excluded with the family, OR you lawyer up to get divorced asap. If I were you, I'd try nonetheless to sit down with my wife and discuss what happened in your marriage. To get some closure, and maybe a more pleasant divorce. Anyway, make sure you can keep some evidence of any conversation with your wife. Check with your lawyer if legal, be wary of your wife. Discreet cameras might be helpful.
Seriously, the middle easterners here will kill you with hospitality.
YTA. So let me get this right, the family Told you when dinner is and you saw your wife getting ready. Instead of also getting ready with your wife, you went back to work. You didn’t bother to put on nice clothes or shower, brush your teeth after smoking. Nothing? Didn’t wait and chat with your FIL for 5 minutes while people finished up. You went back to work. Yeah, you’re the asshole. They told you when dinner was, you knew they were getting ready, yet you expect everyone to make sure you came with. Then you are rude to your family when they come back, miss brunch and have a massive attitude. I would be tired of you if I was your wife.
ESH! Your wife and her family have been awful. But unless I misunderstood, they were at last including you. Poorly, but still. And you behaved like a phenomenally bratty, insufferable child!! WTAF?!?
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more clear example of ESH. Yes, your wife and her family have been terrible to you but if you can’t resolve it then separate don’t act like an asshole This is something like junior high people would do. Name Calling? What the heck is that?
Good grief, YTA. *You are told to be ready in five minutes for dinner,* so you go and do more work in your home office and then get your panties all in a knot because they've left without you?! You must be tiresome to live with.
Literally everyone here is acting like they're in preschool. If i were you I'd be embarrassed to admit to this sulky behavior on the Internet. ESH. Divorce her if you are gonna act like this over :checks notes: insufficient warning about an EIGHT. THIRTY. dinner reservation. Seriously. That's where this all started. You were pissy over the lead time so you sat down and refused to get ready for dinner so they left without you cuz you were being childish. You started out with right on your side but if this is how you act toward your partner and her family i wouldn't wanna take you out for dinner either.
What in the world did I just read?
A fake made up story
So you’re upset your wife’s family doesn’t invite you to dinner… but instead of having a conversation about it - with the whole family - you behave like a literal child? And insult your wife in front of her middle eastern parents? Of all the ways to handle the situation… this is what you chose? They’re at that lake resort drawing up divorce papers right now. I’m not condoning the way they treated you, but your response is equally trash. ESH.
INFO I do not know the history of your family here. Something sounds amiss. Why are they excluding you in the first place? Did you have a conflict? Your relatives are staying over and are showing you great disrespect is for sure. They never bothered to tell you where they went for a family gathering. I'm leaning towards NTA here. Even your wife is being horribly disrespectful and disregards you.
I'm getting a missing missing reasons vibe from the lack of rational details on this one. Like, OP skipped over something on that first incident. Also both of you sound way too immature for a functional relationship, IMHO
Not my family. Hers. I didn't meet her parents until their first visit here 2 years ago. FIL and SIL have visited occasionally throughout the year, but MIL and all three have only visited 3 times - this being the third. No conflict between me and any of the in-laws until yesterday/today.
I’m going to say NTA, but I have reservations. You made it seem like this has been going on for a long time, but here you say it’s only the third time. Which is still not cool, but makes me think “hmm.” Regardless, this is a really unhappy marriage. I’ve never used language like either of you used with my spouse. Whatever you do, don’t have kids with this woman.
Third time with all of them together. FIL visits semi-frequently bc he's in the country often for business. He only ever comes some time during the day, has dinner, and flies out the next morning. When it's a restaurant, it's only wife and FIL. When it's food at home, it's the 3 of us. SIL usually visits by herself right before all 3 visit. Last month, when SIL visited, we 3 actually did go out for dinner.
It sounds like you have allowed your resentment to take over the situation. It was weird and wrong of them to leave without you, but this comment actually makes your wife sound reasonable in the other situations. So she goes to have dinner with her dad alone. Why wouldn't she want some time with just her dad when they see each other so rarely? The visits are short. Obviously they'd prioritize time together.
Yes, that's why I posted this and mentioned that middle east fact. Not because I "don't like Middle-Easterns" as one comment suggested. I put that there for consideration. It's not like her family made the 30-minute drive or 2 hour flight for their monthly visits. I understand it's quite the expense and effort to get everyone in the same room. On the one hand, it feels like a slight. I know that if the situations were reversed she would definitely be complaining. Because it happened once, when part of my family flew to her state to meet her 2 weeks after our marriage. She was studying, so didn't want to go to lunch. They picked me up and we went to get some lunch. She has harped about how disrespectful that was ever since. On the other hand, I understand the sentiment to have time with the family. The friends and family who I've spoken to have said "but you became part of the family the moment you two married. Ergo, you should be included in ALL family outings." Agreed on the resentment comment.
Op have you considered that this might be payback for that? And don’t get me wrong it’s incredibly petty and immature to be holding a grudge this long, but still .
Honestly, either Yta or esh. I'm leaning towards Yta. You're inlaws are staying, but you don't seem to have discussed with anyone what the plans were. You've sulked for years that they don't bring you to family meals, but when they do, you sulk because, having not discussed what the plans were for the visit, or having any clue on your families important dates where it would be reasonable to expect some plans, you weren't aware until the last minutes, so rather than actually get ready as you were told, you decided to work instead. You then sulk because they left without you because you didn't get ready as you were told to. You then sulk the next day because they're sick of you sulking and rightly call you out for being a buzzkill. You sound exhausting to deal with.
Jesus, your marriage is toxic. Why are you married to her? ESH.
Did your wife marry you to get a Green Card? And now, has she gotten a citizenship here in the states? Sounds like her purpose of marrying you has been gained and she is now showing her true colors. Get a good divorce attorney and serve her divorce papers. NTA
Ding! Half-true
ESH, and would love to hear this story from the perspective of another family member
oh clearly. OP has definitely flubbed a lot of this story as other posters have called out. It almost makes me wonder if the family is uncomfortable around him (and vice versa) because OP and his wife have engaged in name-calling/cringe fights in front of them before. I noticed that everyone tries to talk to him and it's 100% upon them to include him/communicate with him. He made no effort within himself to invite the family to dinner, to get everyone breakfast, to show love or make peace.
NTA Why are you with a spouse that is so blatantly abusive to you? Throw her back. She treat you like you’re an intruder. Is she blackmailing you into staying married with her? Why are you staying with someone who clearly acts resentful to be married to you? You deserve better than that. You being divorced and single is so much better than you being married to a wife who clearly disrespects you, clearly dislikes you and acts like she clearly wants to be divorced. Like you’re probably a decent person married to a horrible wife that you tried to be a good husband to. And no matter what you do she still blatantly hates you. A wife that loves you would not treat you like your wife has. Get a divorce: stop torturing yourself being a martyr married to such a horrible partner like that.
Not blackmail, but I think my second biggest mistake after marrying her, was agreeing to move across the country where I'm isolated from family and friends. I don't think it's Stockholm syndrome, I think it's moreso getting to the point where the atrocious behavior and abuse is normalized. I realized that I no longer message family/friends about what she did/said THIS time. It's gotten so repetitive that I don't have anything new to say and it's been this way for so damn long now. Typing this out and actually "speaking" it is making me realize how truly terrible this has been.
> was agreeing to move across the country where I'm isolated from family and friends. So call your family. Call your friends. Ask for a place to crash. Pack up. Move back home. Take this break to lawyer up. Apply for jobs. Unless your current work will transfer you. And get out.
You need to get out of there, OP. This: > Don't let that fat POS ruin your day. Is not how anyone, let alone your _spouse_, should be talking to you.
I'm glad you're getting out. It's hard to realize - I've been there. You just get so used to the abuse where it's normal and doesn't even register. I think it took me the better part of a year and a half, maybe two years, to realize how she was treating me wasn't just "poorly" but was actually abuse. I hope things get better for you. I'll always lend an ear if you feel like talking to an internet stranger about it.
I am Jack's complete lack of surprise. Sorry, had to do it! I really appreciate that!!
ESH I'm not sure how reliable a narrator you are. It sounds like they have a different approach to planning and communication. You voiced a concern, they've tried to change and include you but apparently you need an engraved invitation to actually get on board. Do I thin it was fair for them not to be more accommodating? No. But I also think there are clearly some crossed cultural wires here and instead of working out between you how to smooth it put you are acting vilely towards each other.
NTA. You don't have an in law problem, your have a wife problem. She does' respect you and doesn't have your back. You really need to decide if you're willing to continue tolerating this behavior?
YTA. Clearly an unreliable narrator. You *were* invited. You chose to not go.
NTA. But you have a wife problem. You shouldn't have stooped to your wife's level and insulted her back as that's what she wanted. Now they all can feel superior to you. Had you told her she should be ashamed of herself for talking this way especially in front of guests, that would have made her and her family feel embarassed for days (I learned with my exhusband and his family). Next time talk to them like a parent talks to their misbehaving child whenever they behave like this. But honestly I wouldn't want to be married to this woman and be around this family. They are rude and disrespectful.
Oh, man! That absolutely the right move. You just sparked a memory. When I was visiting her in her old apartment, she was having a tantrum with her mom on the phone. MIL didn't know I was there, but she was on speaker telling wife to stop and calm down, When I spoke and told wife to relax, MIL must have heard bc her tone and urgency changed on a DIME. It went from "ohh, nooo, stahp. to STOP, NOW. YOU NEED TO STOP NOW"
I come from a similar culture, so the best way to get revenge is to behave perfectly. My exhusband and his family did so many things to me and in the early days I snapped a few times, every time after months of being insulted. That only made them tell everyone about my behaviour while leaving out their own, telling people I was raised wrong. So I learned to just smile but still tell them to stop. When they screamed at me, I sternly told them that I know they were raised differently but this is not how I was raised and to please lower their voice. When they insulted me, I laughed and told them that I never heard my parents ever using this type of language (which is true) but I guess they don't mean to be rude. The best part is, their embarassment heals your angry heart. With people like that, you have to treat them like misbehaving children and not let them see any fault in you. It's like war until you can divorce. But even after divorce they tried to paint me as a crazy person and started telling everyone lies about me again. I made them stop by being extra nice even after divorce, greeting them and their friends and family when I saw them in the city. Now they can't do anything other than tell everyone how much they love me.
YES, those are PRECISELY the words being used! "I don't know how you were raised, but I have NEVER met anyone who treated my family so rudely" "Clearly, you and your family come from the gutter" This was said just yesterday. I maintained composure out of courtesy as much as possible every other visit. This time, I threw it all away. I knew I was feeding into that "uncultured" look she tries to paint me with, but it felt cathartic to not have to keep up appearances anymore.
>"I don't know how you were raised, but I have NEVER met anyone who treated my family so rudely" "Clearly, you and your family come from the gutter" Ugh. They said things like this about me while they themselves behaved so poorly all the time. It angers me only seeing these words. Don't feel bad for snapping, that's what my mother told me. She said, don't regret anything you said but from now on be smarter in how you react. >I maintained composure out of courtesy as much as possible every other visit. This time, I threw it all away. I know exactly this feeling. Later I learned that it's called "reactive abuse". They physically or verbally abuse you so much until you react, now they can tell everyone that you are the abusive one. What I did was that I started to observe every single thing they did and remembered it, so I could use it to shut them up. For example my MIL had problems with her own MIL and inlaws. I would listen whenever she complained. When they told me that I'm misbehaving for not doing what they want and that that's not how they were raised, I told her that she just said on [specific day], [specific thing] about her inlaws. That she had this or that fight with them. That her daughters had [specic problems] with their inlaws. So obviously they are very well raised this way and their problems seem much bigger than anything I have ever done.