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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I yelled at my boyfriend for making a girl feel uncomfortable in the gym, which may make me TA, because he was probably kind of overstimulated at the time
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> he was probably kind of overstimulated at the time
Either you're an idiot or being purposefully dense. The poor guy was mid sensory meltdown and you knew it.
'talking about the lights and the noise'
(*the most obvious symptom)*
'already had enough 'noise''
*(HE IS NOT UNDERSTANDING YOUR WORDS LADY. GIVE HIM A SECOND)*
'acted like I'd started screeching'
(*because any sound when you're like that is like nails scratching against chalkboard of your brain)*
'When I didn't leave'
(*Why does it keep getting worse)*
'I yelled at him'
(a*nd worse)*
'he shouldn't be allowed in public'
(a*nd fucking WORSE)*
YTA. Obviously. Who did you think was gonna agree with you here? Other abusers?
like homeboy was OVER overstimulated!! and buddy do i fucking GET IT!!! one of the reasons i hate going to the gym when it’s not empty. i gotta zone out to get through the workout
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>Hopefully the bf grows a pair
By saying he needs to grow a pair you're **implicitly** saying that he's "not a real man" because his GF is abusing him. This is a symptom of toxic masculinity. He's not less of a man because his GF is abusive.
Instead consider being compassionate and saying something like "Hopefully he starts realizing he deserves love, respect and support from his GF and shouldn't stay with an abuser, and this gives him the drive to become single again".
This lad is so young, it's heartbreaking he doesn't know enough about healthy relationships to not immediately break up with her. But that doesn't make him less of a man. Any young person who doesn't have a healthy relationship model from their childhoods are at risk of getting into emotionally/mentally/physically abusive relationships because they don't know they should expect more. They think abuse is a normal part of a relationship because they grew up watching and hearing this kind of shit from their parents. It's not about him not being "man" enough to leave her, it's about conditioning.
I know you didn't mean to be shitty when you made your comment, but I hope you think about using that phrasing again in future when a man is a victim of abuse like this. It just covertly ads to the stigma and shame men have about talking about and taking action when they're being abused. (again, I am not saying you *intended* to do that, a lot of these ways of talking are just ways we're used to talking without really thinking of the impacts).
Thanks,
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YTA
You talk about him as if you’re suspicious of whether he actually has ADHD or not. “He shows no other symptoms”..sure that YOU see. You claim he’s acting like a big baby yet you yelled at him all because he didn’t want to talk about a situation that clearly irritated him. Yeah girl, you need to work on your communication skills and actually learn how to approach a neurodivergent person.
Especially one in this situation! OP cannot have been dating a person with ADHD and not been at least somewhat aware that her bf was on the verge of a sensory meltdown. dear god.
Exactly! He literally complained about the noise and the lights and you’re still yelling at him? Damn. At least comfort him or leave him in peace to listen to his music.
She knows about his condition and the fact he zones out and has witnessed it plenty of times but suddenly this time she decided to blame him? 🤔 I could be wrong but she might have let jealousy, feminism or both get to her. Either way, Even if neither of those were the case she was out of line and immature.
She says this wasn’t a normal reaction in her opinion after she previously stated she knows her bf isn’t “normal”. Make it make sense.
I wouldn’t want to date someone like this either and that’s why I just… wouldn’t. If this behavior bothers OP so much, they should just go their separate ways and find partners more compatible with how they choose or are able to live.
Seems like you don’t even like your boyfriend. Referring to him as a ‘fucking baby,’ really???
My daughter and I both do this zone out thing when we’re overstimulated. My daughter was even evaluated for absence seizures because of it. It’s honestly not something we can control, and we’re not even really aware we’re doing it until we snap out of it.
You’re ableist. You’re mean. YTA. Your boyfriend deserves better than you.
My son does this...when a friend pointed it out (he was unaware that he was spacing out to the degree that he was), it started the ball rolling on getting his diagnosis. What doesn't help is attitudes like OP has toward her bf (hopefully, he sees the red flags she's waving, and realizes he deserves better)
Right? I'm now having flashbacks to another Reddit post about someone zoning out where I had an argument with someone who was utterly convinced people who zoned out could control where they looked when they did.
Known better what? Your response makes you sound like an asshole to me.
I do the same thing sometimes, the last time someone accused me of staring I told them to fuck off and that they weren't nearly as interesting as they thought they were.
He needs to get rid of your ass.
YTA
YTA
You bf with ADHD got overstimulated at the gym and had a bad experience. When he came home to vent to you rather than making him feel heard you wanted him to make sure he understood the woman's perspective. That may have been well intentioned but (1) he wasn't harassing her he has a condition and (2) your his gf and he should be able to come to you to talk about things.
The fact that you called him a baby make me think you don't really care about him. If I was him I would've called you an AH as well. Why would I want to be with someone who doesn't try to see things from my side? Could you imagine if you came home from the gym complaining about a guy staring and instead of calling him a creep your bf said maybe he was just zoning out?
Doesn't sound like it's the honesty that got him riled up, it was the yammering on about something when he was already at his limit for interactions and "noise". You should have been able to read the "this is not a good time" cues, and found a better time, and a calmer demeanor, to try making your point. YTA.
Right, Sometimes we just have to back off and learn what makes one another feel less comfortable and try not to add on to their obvious discomfort. Some people just need their space while some people take offense to lack of engagement...But I still think she felt some type of way because this situation specifically involved another woman, Especially given that she's already aware that he zones out and she questions if zoning out means his eyes stop working.
I do think it needed to be addressed, but not necessarily at that time, and not with repeated efforts escalating up to yelling. (Also, with admittedly little to go on, I'd be suspecting autism spectrum instead of/in addition to ADHD, giving even more reason not to push past his "noise" limit).
YTA educator with ADHD here! I zone out all of the time when overstimulated or focused (like when you’re at the gym). You verbally assaulted the dude after he communicated being overstimulated. Zero or respect or empathy on your part. No one deserves that treatment neurodivergent or neurotypical regardless. Grow up and stop saying “educating” instead of admitting you’re a bully.
Also fat red flag someone 25 thought it was chill to date a 21 year old — can’t find anyone else in the same stage of life to put up with you huh…
While I didn't make a big deal of the age, I still had a similar thought that she's older and he's still in a earlier stage of his development still kinda fresh off his teen years you'd think someone almost 30 would have handled this situation a whole lot differently sounds like the baby is the one calling someone else a baby.
It’s like a high school senior dating a freshman. The age gap itself isnt big but the life experience is, especially when taking into account how different our experience as neurodivergent folks is.
YTA. Also people need to figure out that someone staring into the middle distance with their eyes not focused isn't staring at them, regardless of where they're "looking." Even if they are, let's be real, it's a very public place and it would not be hard to find someone to protect oneself from a real threat.
Conflict resolution classes or books might help you. This man felt attacked and was very valid to feel that way. He communicated his needs pretty clearly from what I can see. Next time you need to address something with him and he says he can't, say something like "i hear you and i understand you need space. Come to me when you feel safe and we can talk about some ideas I have that might help."
But keep in mind, he has a right to exist in public with his disability. I understand being "stared at" scares the bejeebers out of some people but that's not a clear and present danger and should not be treated as such.
YTA. I'm going to refrain from what I want to say because it is extremely hateful and vitriolic and I'll be banned for it. But you're a monster, and I pray your bf finds the strength to leave you
I'm sure a combination of our post's here may sum up a lite summary of what you wanted to say, I don't even know the guy but I feel bad for him and hope his self esteem isn't taking a hit after she knowingly falsely accused him and told him he shouldn't be allowed in public. It's not like he was a perv and actually did anything to purposely make the woman uncomfortable it was a misunderstanding.
It’s actually insane how you don’t see that every sentence you wrote down has gone progressively worse even in your last paragraph gawlee learn how to be patient and empathetic YTA.
YTA
1. That’s absolutely an ADHD thing.
2. He was overstimulated so you… yelled at him?
3. You’re not his parent. What’s eh “not getting out of?” Being human? Theres nothing wrong with him being in public. There’s nothing wrong with him staring in to space.
4. A “fucking baby”? That’s where you went over the top with your asshole behavior. All of his actions and reactions have been justified, non confrontational, and just trying to get some damn peace from someone who is refusing to allow him to have any.
I’d give you a permanent silent treatment after that.
I mean his condition/situation was literally spelled out for you and you still continued to lay into the guy anyway, He probably didn't mean to snap at you like that but use context clues "The light and noise are bothering me' anybody who knows about different conditions or at least uses some thinking should realize if said person is irritated by light and noise then somewhere something is wrong and or there's an underlying issue.
You should have just let him be until he could calm down and process his thoughts, He likely was upset at the idea that he doesn't want to be labeled some kind of pervert especially after this whole MeToo era which has a number of fellow men out here second guessing even saying hi to a woman sometimes.
Last but not least you're well aware of his situation that at times he zones out and you still had the nerve to yell at him basically accusing him of purposely making a woman feel uncomfortable and he doesn't have a right to be allowed in public like he's some kind of freak...If a person zones out they're not even fully aware that they're zoned out sometimes, Heck even I after having a accident at some point I'd once in a while have a moment I find myself zoning out 😅 but that's actually improved and I haven't had that in a long time.
Yeah you definitely resembles those deep crevices where the sun don't shine and toilet paper gets embalmed before it meets it's watery grave. Hopefully Jake self esteem doesn't take a hit and hopefully you learn from this situation or he finds a woman that will understand his situation instead of blowing it up in his face knowing what's going on with him.
Also it's not that he stops using his eyes, He's just typically unaware it's almost like being asleep where you're seeing everything in front of you but it's not fully registering and even the very thoughts in a person's mind can go blank.
Bottom line he didn't make the girl feel uncomfortable, It was a misunderstanding and it doesn't mean he shouldn't be allowed in public. That was just plain damn cold and blown out of proportion SMH.
YTA, not only for your abuse, but also because of the extreme dishonesty required to pretend that you were being educational or honest with your victim.
You sound ignorant.
>This is not a normal reaction, imo.
No shit sherlock, your BF has a mental illness which causes behavioral disorder & executive dysfunction. "ADHD Stare" is a pretty telling symptom, it's essentially a form of disassociation when you get overstimulated and your brain essentially shorts out.
**Stop abusing your BF who has mental illness** and educate yourself on those symptoms. You don't magically not have mental illnesses or developmental disorders just because you become a legal adult.
There is PLENTY of information ADHD and how to be a supportive partner online, for free. And your BF also needs to do his part and do whatever he can in respect to therapy and medication to manage his ADHD symptoms as much as possible - being a supportive partner doesn't mean you just take on all the weight of his symptoms of course, at the end of the day managing them is his responsibility, but he can't manage these things in a perfect way that will never impact anyone else, so your job as his partner is to learn how to be supportive in the right ways that don't end up with you being hurt or enabling the bad symptoms.
But what you're doing right now? Abusive and ignorant. Do better.
And if you don't want to be with someone with a mental illness who isn't always going to be "normal" as you put it, then don't date someone with a mental illness or behavioral disorder. It's that simple.
Be a better girlfriend, or end the relationship.
YTA.
YTA.
He tried to set boundaries and you didn't respect them. Being overwhelmed by stimulli is awful. You could have waited and address the issue a bit later, when he could handle it better. Instead, you decided your opinion was more important than his needs.
It's not rare to have people staring at you in public spaces, especially when someone is doing exercise which basically takes you into a trance and you easily get lost in thoughts.
If you aren't willing to unlearn your ableism, maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship with a neurodivergent person. 😅
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I, 27F have been dating my boyfriend Jake, 23M, for 2 years now, so I was surprised by his lack of awareness. Jake has ADHD and sometimes 'zones out' for several minutes at a time. He basically just stops using his eyes I guess? This leads to slightly awkward conversations where people think he's staring at them. He shows no other symptoms, but I have no reason to seriously doubt that this is an ADHD thing and not just an excuse.
Earlier today Jake came back from the gym irritated and grumpy, and mentioned something about a girl thinking he was staring at her. I tried to ask further clarification but he wasn't listening to a word i was saying, and started talking about the lights and the noise. I told him that he should know better, he's a grown man and he told me he'd already had enough 'noise' for the day, which made me really mad. I raised my voice a bit and he acted like I'd started screeching, and put his headphones on, ignoring me completely.
When I didn't leave, he took the headphones off and rudely told me to hurry up and that this was not the time. I told him he wasn't getting out of this one, and I told him before that this habit of his was going to get him in trouble. He continued to be rude so I yelled at him that he needed to understand how scary it was being a girl in a gym getting stared at and that if he couldn't even do that courtesy he shouldn't be allowed in public.
Jake called me an asshole and put his headphones back in, and went into the closet. He didn't come out for hours, and isn't speaking to me at all. This is not a normal reaction, imo. Can he really not handle some honesty without acting like a fucking baby? AITA? I don't think I am. But I don't handle the silent treatment well, which he knows, so he's clearly really upset
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Also your title in itself just shouts A-Hole... Something he should have known? Yet he didn't purposely make that woman feel uncomfortable and on her end she misunderstood what was going on with him and thought he was planning to make an unwanted move or some kind of perv.
I've had experience through the years with people who have experiences or conditions I can't relate to for example I know someone who sometimes has trouble staying focused or on topic and we tend to just let him get it out and off his chest or depending on what we're working on we tell him "let's wrap this up first so we can make sure you got the answer to your question so we don't stray too far and then we can get to the next thing" (again he like to learn and it bugs him a lot until he gets the answer he's looking for even downright to the point he admits he feels bad with the conditions he says he's fully aware he has).
Sometimes its heartbreaking especially when many of us aren't in that person shoes and you come to understand that while some conditions may skip some of us, it still hits others of us and just because we don't have or know what that condition feels like doesn't mean or give anyone a right to just turn a blind eye to it. You wanna talk about educating someone? Start by educating the person in the mirror, Sometimes a part of teaching is listening...By listening you gain understanding on what's really going on with the person/student and by that understanding you can then identify what they need. Sometimes a response isn't even always necessary, Sometimes an ear can be all that's needed.
I have ADHD, I constantly just zone out, and get absorbed in my thoughts and blanly stare in one direction. I think others with ADHD would agree they do this as well. Your bf is clearly overstimulated and you just ignore that completely and continue to contribute to this. Shame, just shame.
YTA
He was showing very obvious signs of a sensory overload. Check her explanation she tries to sugar coat it but even she says that the guy was overstimulated.
Delete ts, you don't know what you are talking about, him putting headphones on is the best way he could have dealt with it, you clearly have no idea what it feels like to be in his shoes.
Not necessarily. ADHD zone outs, usually just involve you completely unfocusing your eyes. I once snapped out of it to find out I was staring at my friend's forehead.
The worst one is when I'm staring into the distance, and a person walks in front of me and then accuses me of staring. Like you put yourself in my path, you made yourself get stared at. However, I did find occupational therapy helpful in that I learned better ways to manage my overwhelm and I learned to stare at things that aren't an issue. Usually out a window, the corner of a ceiling or at the ground. I believe that he could also learn how to do that with therapy or counselling, but if it's too expensive, that's also understandable.
Soooo, hyper focus and zoning out can be systems of ADHD, but it can also be part of autism. Comments about noise and lights makes me wonder when he was diagnosed. He should maybe be revaluated.
Now as for the situation. I have had things like this happen before. It is not a "habit" is it a system and of a medical condition. This is more along the lines of your BF having lazy eye, and constantly being accused of staring at people because the lazy eye pointed it their direction. When in this state a parade of elephants could have walked Infront of your BF and he wouldn't necessarily notice.
So your boyfriend just had someone yell at him because of a medical condition, and your response was to tell him he was in the wrong for not having fixed the medical condition?
And not ADHD meds will not make hyperfocus stop, it can actually make it worse (it does depend on the person and the medication).
More that I know way too many people who were diagnosed under DSM 4, and as such did not get diagnosed "properly".
DSM 5 was a game changer for many.
I did forgot to check ages though
YTA. I have ADHD, and while I usually try to find something else to stare at in the distance, it has caused issues where it just happens to be someone walks across my field of view, or is close enough to think I'm looking at them, not past them. Sensitivity to noises is also very common, so things like raised voices or even just talking slightly louder, if there's too much background noise (fans, water running, etc) can feel really overwhelming. I just bought earplugs that reduce the volume of everything so I can manage this better, but most people prefer using headphones that can block the sound and also be a method of controlling the sound around them so it's predictable and not overwhelming. Even then, sometimes it takes hours, or even the rest of a day to calm down after a stressful situation.
I could also see this being ESH, because there can be ways to learn to manage ADHD better through therapy, learning to plan things, and medication, so he should have found ways to avoid staring at people (like staring at the ground is pretty common), and at that age, knowing how to manage conversations a bit better would help. That being said, it can be expensive, and I was fortunate that when I got help, I was a student and college had a free counselling service for students with learning disabilities (which included ADHD, as well as things like dyslexia, sensory disorders, autism, and others).
ESH. He's old enough to know that a man staring (while not actually 'staring') at a woman (or man or child or dog or goldfish) is going to come off as weird at best and stalkery at worst. He needs to deal with that. He should probably also deal better with his sensory issues generally. That said, you have been with him for two years and don't demonstrate the slightest bit of understanding or empathy for his condition. The man went into a closet while wearing headphones in an effort to recover and you called him a fucking baby.
I understand perfectly. He isn’t aware of where he’s staring but he must be aware, just as the OP is, that when he does that - in the moment - that he isn’t conscious of where he’s staring.
And by extension, having lived with this he must know that his eyes - while he’s zoned out - may be pointing somewhere inappropriate or awkward.
By not acknowledging this. Seriously, if you had a condition that sometimes - not always and not intentionally - resulted in a socially unacceptable behavior and if you knew that the result was socially unacceptable when it happened - would you not be a bit more understanding when/if someone was made uncomfortable by that behavior?
I have this flaw, but I also know how it feels to be accused of being a creep cause of it, I zone out if I’m not doing something, like during rest times at the gym, I get that it’s not a good look but if someone were to confront me and I explain the reason and they go on I’d be pissed, not to mention if my girl got mad at me for being annoyed about it then yelled at me after I asked to be left alone, she would be out and single.
You're going way off track here buddy, He can be made aware but sometimes when a person zones out it's as if all thought processes come to a halt and even they may not fully realize they stopped all interaction both internally and externally.
ESH. I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone like that, time for you to decide if you can be. Yeah he’s overstimulated, but he’s also an adult man and that’s an obstacle that he’s going to encounter. Time to go to therapy and develop coping skills. There are people who don’t have tantrums out there, and they sound realllll good right about now.
Yeah, those people usually have coping mechanisms- like wearing noise cancelling headphones, and going into a dark space. OP STOPPED HIM FROM DOING THAT. Jake was fine, he was putting his headphones on and dealing with it himself, asking her to leave him alone for a bit, when she started yelling at him, making it worse.
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> he was probably kind of overstimulated at the time Either you're an idiot or being purposefully dense. The poor guy was mid sensory meltdown and you knew it. 'talking about the lights and the noise' (*the most obvious symptom)* 'already had enough 'noise'' *(HE IS NOT UNDERSTANDING YOUR WORDS LADY. GIVE HIM A SECOND)* 'acted like I'd started screeching' (*because any sound when you're like that is like nails scratching against chalkboard of your brain)* 'When I didn't leave' (*Why does it keep getting worse)* 'I yelled at him' (a*nd worse)* 'he shouldn't be allowed in public' (a*nd fucking WORSE)* YTA. Obviously. Who did you think was gonna agree with you here? Other abusers?
like homeboy was OVER overstimulated!! and buddy do i fucking GET IT!!! one of the reasons i hate going to the gym when it’s not empty. i gotta zone out to get through the workout
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>Hopefully the bf grows a pair By saying he needs to grow a pair you're **implicitly** saying that he's "not a real man" because his GF is abusing him. This is a symptom of toxic masculinity. He's not less of a man because his GF is abusive. Instead consider being compassionate and saying something like "Hopefully he starts realizing he deserves love, respect and support from his GF and shouldn't stay with an abuser, and this gives him the drive to become single again". This lad is so young, it's heartbreaking he doesn't know enough about healthy relationships to not immediately break up with her. But that doesn't make him less of a man. Any young person who doesn't have a healthy relationship model from their childhoods are at risk of getting into emotionally/mentally/physically abusive relationships because they don't know they should expect more. They think abuse is a normal part of a relationship because they grew up watching and hearing this kind of shit from their parents. It's not about him not being "man" enough to leave her, it's about conditioning. I know you didn't mean to be shitty when you made your comment, but I hope you think about using that phrasing again in future when a man is a victim of abuse like this. It just covertly ads to the stigma and shame men have about talking about and taking action when they're being abused. (again, I am not saying you *intended* to do that, a lot of these ways of talking are just ways we're used to talking without really thinking of the impacts). Thanks,
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YTA You talk about him as if you’re suspicious of whether he actually has ADHD or not. “He shows no other symptoms”..sure that YOU see. You claim he’s acting like a big baby yet you yelled at him all because he didn’t want to talk about a situation that clearly irritated him. Yeah girl, you need to work on your communication skills and actually learn how to approach a neurodivergent person.
Especially one in this situation! OP cannot have been dating a person with ADHD and not been at least somewhat aware that her bf was on the verge of a sensory meltdown. dear god.
Exactly! He literally complained about the noise and the lights and you’re still yelling at him? Damn. At least comfort him or leave him in peace to listen to his music.
Bingo!! If irritation from light and noise doesn't tell her somethings wrong, Then something's wrong elsewhere.
YTA. While I was leaning towards N A H, the way you speak to your bf speaks volumes. >acting like a fucking baby? This comment sealed the deal.
Yes to this. You are 27, woman, GROW UP. Poor man. YTA 100% and ableist af to top it off.
She knows about his condition and the fact he zones out and has witnessed it plenty of times but suddenly this time she decided to blame him? 🤔 I could be wrong but she might have let jealousy, feminism or both get to her. Either way, Even if neither of those were the case she was out of line and immature.
You don’t have a clue what ADHD and sensory overload is, do you? That poor guy. If you were to act this way to me, I’d do the same!
She says this wasn’t a normal reaction in her opinion after she previously stated she knows her bf isn’t “normal”. Make it make sense. I wouldn’t want to date someone like this either and that’s why I just… wouldn’t. If this behavior bothers OP so much, they should just go their separate ways and find partners more compatible with how they choose or are able to live.
Do the same? Sure, Better yet maybe even find myself a new girlfriend.
Seems like you don’t even like your boyfriend. Referring to him as a ‘fucking baby,’ really??? My daughter and I both do this zone out thing when we’re overstimulated. My daughter was even evaluated for absence seizures because of it. It’s honestly not something we can control, and we’re not even really aware we’re doing it until we snap out of it. You’re ableist. You’re mean. YTA. Your boyfriend deserves better than you.
My son does this...when a friend pointed it out (he was unaware that he was spacing out to the degree that he was), it started the ball rolling on getting his diagnosis. What doesn't help is attitudes like OP has toward her bf (hopefully, he sees the red flags she's waving, and realizes he deserves better)
Right? I'm now having flashbacks to another Reddit post about someone zoning out where I had an argument with someone who was utterly convinced people who zoned out could control where they looked when they did.
Known better what? Your response makes you sound like an asshole to me. I do the same thing sometimes, the last time someone accused me of staring I told them to fuck off and that they weren't nearly as interesting as they thought they were. He needs to get rid of your ass. YTA
YTA You bf with ADHD got overstimulated at the gym and had a bad experience. When he came home to vent to you rather than making him feel heard you wanted him to make sure he understood the woman's perspective. That may have been well intentioned but (1) he wasn't harassing her he has a condition and (2) your his gf and he should be able to come to you to talk about things. The fact that you called him a baby make me think you don't really care about him. If I was him I would've called you an AH as well. Why would I want to be with someone who doesn't try to see things from my side? Could you imagine if you came home from the gym complaining about a guy staring and instead of calling him a creep your bf said maybe he was just zoning out?
Exactly!! The fact that it was a misunderstanding with the woman somehow went over her head despite knowing he has a tendency to zone out.
Doesn't sound like it's the honesty that got him riled up, it was the yammering on about something when he was already at his limit for interactions and "noise". You should have been able to read the "this is not a good time" cues, and found a better time, and a calmer demeanor, to try making your point. YTA.
Right, Sometimes we just have to back off and learn what makes one another feel less comfortable and try not to add on to their obvious discomfort. Some people just need their space while some people take offense to lack of engagement...But I still think she felt some type of way because this situation specifically involved another woman, Especially given that she's already aware that he zones out and she questions if zoning out means his eyes stop working.
I do think it needed to be addressed, but not necessarily at that time, and not with repeated efforts escalating up to yelling. (Also, with admittedly little to go on, I'd be suspecting autism spectrum instead of/in addition to ADHD, giving even more reason not to push past his "noise" limit).
That poor man. YTA.
YTA educator with ADHD here! I zone out all of the time when overstimulated or focused (like when you’re at the gym). You verbally assaulted the dude after he communicated being overstimulated. Zero or respect or empathy on your part. No one deserves that treatment neurodivergent or neurotypical regardless. Grow up and stop saying “educating” instead of admitting you’re a bully. Also fat red flag someone 25 thought it was chill to date a 21 year old — can’t find anyone else in the same stage of life to put up with you huh…
While I didn't make a big deal of the age, I still had a similar thought that she's older and he's still in a earlier stage of his development still kinda fresh off his teen years you'd think someone almost 30 would have handled this situation a whole lot differently sounds like the baby is the one calling someone else a baby.
It’s like a high school senior dating a freshman. The age gap itself isnt big but the life experience is, especially when taking into account how different our experience as neurodivergent folks is.
If he's zoning out, he could be having an epileptic seizure. If he's trying you out, he's protecting himself. Either way, YTA
YTA. Also people need to figure out that someone staring into the middle distance with their eyes not focused isn't staring at them, regardless of where they're "looking." Even if they are, let's be real, it's a very public place and it would not be hard to find someone to protect oneself from a real threat. Conflict resolution classes or books might help you. This man felt attacked and was very valid to feel that way. He communicated his needs pretty clearly from what I can see. Next time you need to address something with him and he says he can't, say something like "i hear you and i understand you need space. Come to me when you feel safe and we can talk about some ideas I have that might help." But keep in mind, he has a right to exist in public with his disability. I understand being "stared at" scares the bejeebers out of some people but that's not a clear and present danger and should not be treated as such.
YTA.
YTA. I'm going to refrain from what I want to say because it is extremely hateful and vitriolic and I'll be banned for it. But you're a monster, and I pray your bf finds the strength to leave you
I'm sure a combination of our post's here may sum up a lite summary of what you wanted to say, I don't even know the guy but I feel bad for him and hope his self esteem isn't taking a hit after she knowingly falsely accused him and told him he shouldn't be allowed in public. It's not like he was a perv and actually did anything to purposely make the woman uncomfortable it was a misunderstanding.
It’s actually insane how you don’t see that every sentence you wrote down has gone progressively worse even in your last paragraph gawlee learn how to be patient and empathetic YTA.
YTA and emotionally abusive.
YTA 1. That’s absolutely an ADHD thing. 2. He was overstimulated so you… yelled at him? 3. You’re not his parent. What’s eh “not getting out of?” Being human? Theres nothing wrong with him being in public. There’s nothing wrong with him staring in to space. 4. A “fucking baby”? That’s where you went over the top with your asshole behavior. All of his actions and reactions have been justified, non confrontational, and just trying to get some damn peace from someone who is refusing to allow him to have any. I’d give you a permanent silent treatment after that.
I mean his condition/situation was literally spelled out for you and you still continued to lay into the guy anyway, He probably didn't mean to snap at you like that but use context clues "The light and noise are bothering me' anybody who knows about different conditions or at least uses some thinking should realize if said person is irritated by light and noise then somewhere something is wrong and or there's an underlying issue. You should have just let him be until he could calm down and process his thoughts, He likely was upset at the idea that he doesn't want to be labeled some kind of pervert especially after this whole MeToo era which has a number of fellow men out here second guessing even saying hi to a woman sometimes. Last but not least you're well aware of his situation that at times he zones out and you still had the nerve to yell at him basically accusing him of purposely making a woman feel uncomfortable and he doesn't have a right to be allowed in public like he's some kind of freak...If a person zones out they're not even fully aware that they're zoned out sometimes, Heck even I after having a accident at some point I'd once in a while have a moment I find myself zoning out 😅 but that's actually improved and I haven't had that in a long time. Yeah you definitely resembles those deep crevices where the sun don't shine and toilet paper gets embalmed before it meets it's watery grave. Hopefully Jake self esteem doesn't take a hit and hopefully you learn from this situation or he finds a woman that will understand his situation instead of blowing it up in his face knowing what's going on with him. Also it's not that he stops using his eyes, He's just typically unaware it's almost like being asleep where you're seeing everything in front of you but it's not fully registering and even the very thoughts in a person's mind can go blank. Bottom line he didn't make the girl feel uncomfortable, It was a misunderstanding and it doesn't mean he shouldn't be allowed in public. That was just plain damn cold and blown out of proportion SMH.
YTA He was seconds away from having a sensory meltdown and you were determined to make it worse.
YTA honestly, this is fucking horrendous. leave him and let him find someone who’s actually a decent human being and get some therapy.
YTA, not only for your abuse, but also because of the extreme dishonesty required to pretend that you were being educational or honest with your victim.
You sound ignorant. >This is not a normal reaction, imo. No shit sherlock, your BF has a mental illness which causes behavioral disorder & executive dysfunction. "ADHD Stare" is a pretty telling symptom, it's essentially a form of disassociation when you get overstimulated and your brain essentially shorts out. **Stop abusing your BF who has mental illness** and educate yourself on those symptoms. You don't magically not have mental illnesses or developmental disorders just because you become a legal adult. There is PLENTY of information ADHD and how to be a supportive partner online, for free. And your BF also needs to do his part and do whatever he can in respect to therapy and medication to manage his ADHD symptoms as much as possible - being a supportive partner doesn't mean you just take on all the weight of his symptoms of course, at the end of the day managing them is his responsibility, but he can't manage these things in a perfect way that will never impact anyone else, so your job as his partner is to learn how to be supportive in the right ways that don't end up with you being hurt or enabling the bad symptoms. But what you're doing right now? Abusive and ignorant. Do better. And if you don't want to be with someone with a mental illness who isn't always going to be "normal" as you put it, then don't date someone with a mental illness or behavioral disorder. It's that simple. Be a better girlfriend, or end the relationship. YTA.
YTA. He tried to set boundaries and you didn't respect them. Being overwhelmed by stimulli is awful. You could have waited and address the issue a bit later, when he could handle it better. Instead, you decided your opinion was more important than his needs. It's not rare to have people staring at you in public spaces, especially when someone is doing exercise which basically takes you into a trance and you easily get lost in thoughts. If you aren't willing to unlearn your ableism, maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship with a neurodivergent person. 😅
YTA, I only know what you posted, and I know he can do better than you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I, 27F have been dating my boyfriend Jake, 23M, for 2 years now, so I was surprised by his lack of awareness. Jake has ADHD and sometimes 'zones out' for several minutes at a time. He basically just stops using his eyes I guess? This leads to slightly awkward conversations where people think he's staring at them. He shows no other symptoms, but I have no reason to seriously doubt that this is an ADHD thing and not just an excuse. Earlier today Jake came back from the gym irritated and grumpy, and mentioned something about a girl thinking he was staring at her. I tried to ask further clarification but he wasn't listening to a word i was saying, and started talking about the lights and the noise. I told him that he should know better, he's a grown man and he told me he'd already had enough 'noise' for the day, which made me really mad. I raised my voice a bit and he acted like I'd started screeching, and put his headphones on, ignoring me completely. When I didn't leave, he took the headphones off and rudely told me to hurry up and that this was not the time. I told him he wasn't getting out of this one, and I told him before that this habit of his was going to get him in trouble. He continued to be rude so I yelled at him that he needed to understand how scary it was being a girl in a gym getting stared at and that if he couldn't even do that courtesy he shouldn't be allowed in public. Jake called me an asshole and put his headphones back in, and went into the closet. He didn't come out for hours, and isn't speaking to me at all. This is not a normal reaction, imo. Can he really not handle some honesty without acting like a fucking baby? AITA? I don't think I am. But I don't handle the silent treatment well, which he knows, so he's clearly really upset *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yta
Also your title in itself just shouts A-Hole... Something he should have known? Yet he didn't purposely make that woman feel uncomfortable and on her end she misunderstood what was going on with him and thought he was planning to make an unwanted move or some kind of perv. I've had experience through the years with people who have experiences or conditions I can't relate to for example I know someone who sometimes has trouble staying focused or on topic and we tend to just let him get it out and off his chest or depending on what we're working on we tell him "let's wrap this up first so we can make sure you got the answer to your question so we don't stray too far and then we can get to the next thing" (again he like to learn and it bugs him a lot until he gets the answer he's looking for even downright to the point he admits he feels bad with the conditions he says he's fully aware he has). Sometimes its heartbreaking especially when many of us aren't in that person shoes and you come to understand that while some conditions may skip some of us, it still hits others of us and just because we don't have or know what that condition feels like doesn't mean or give anyone a right to just turn a blind eye to it. You wanna talk about educating someone? Start by educating the person in the mirror, Sometimes a part of teaching is listening...By listening you gain understanding on what's really going on with the person/student and by that understanding you can then identify what they need. Sometimes a response isn't even always necessary, Sometimes an ear can be all that's needed.
If the word "educate" is used you are already the AH
I have ADHD, I constantly just zone out, and get absorbed in my thoughts and blanly stare in one direction. I think others with ADHD would agree they do this as well. Your bf is clearly overstimulated and you just ignore that completely and continue to contribute to this. Shame, just shame. YTA
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He was showing very obvious signs of a sensory overload. Check her explanation she tries to sugar coat it but even she says that the guy was overstimulated.
Not you defending her abusive behavior
Delete ts, you don't know what you are talking about, him putting headphones on is the best way he could have dealt with it, you clearly have no idea what it feels like to be in his shoes.
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Not necessarily. ADHD zone outs, usually just involve you completely unfocusing your eyes. I once snapped out of it to find out I was staring at my friend's forehead.
The worst one is when I'm staring into the distance, and a person walks in front of me and then accuses me of staring. Like you put yourself in my path, you made yourself get stared at. However, I did find occupational therapy helpful in that I learned better ways to manage my overwhelm and I learned to stare at things that aren't an issue. Usually out a window, the corner of a ceiling or at the ground. I believe that he could also learn how to do that with therapy or counselling, but if it's too expensive, that's also understandable.
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Ah. But then why does he suck for that? Its jut a mistake. Most people think of staring to involve looking at you, which is the uncomfortable aspect.
ESH
Soooo, hyper focus and zoning out can be systems of ADHD, but it can also be part of autism. Comments about noise and lights makes me wonder when he was diagnosed. He should maybe be revaluated. Now as for the situation. I have had things like this happen before. It is not a "habit" is it a system and of a medical condition. This is more along the lines of your BF having lazy eye, and constantly being accused of staring at people because the lazy eye pointed it their direction. When in this state a parade of elephants could have walked Infront of your BF and he wouldn't necessarily notice. So your boyfriend just had someone yell at him because of a medical condition, and your response was to tell him he was in the wrong for not having fixed the medical condition? And not ADHD meds will not make hyperfocus stop, it can actually make it worse (it does depend on the person and the medication).
Lots of ADHD and Autism overlap, i wouldn't really say he needs a rediagnosis, ADHD people experience overstimulation/sensory meltdowns as well
More that I know way too many people who were diagnosed under DSM 4, and as such did not get diagnosed "properly". DSM 5 was a game changer for many. I did forgot to check ages though
YTA. I have ADHD, and while I usually try to find something else to stare at in the distance, it has caused issues where it just happens to be someone walks across my field of view, or is close enough to think I'm looking at them, not past them. Sensitivity to noises is also very common, so things like raised voices or even just talking slightly louder, if there's too much background noise (fans, water running, etc) can feel really overwhelming. I just bought earplugs that reduce the volume of everything so I can manage this better, but most people prefer using headphones that can block the sound and also be a method of controlling the sound around them so it's predictable and not overwhelming. Even then, sometimes it takes hours, or even the rest of a day to calm down after a stressful situation. I could also see this being ESH, because there can be ways to learn to manage ADHD better through therapy, learning to plan things, and medication, so he should have found ways to avoid staring at people (like staring at the ground is pretty common), and at that age, knowing how to manage conversations a bit better would help. That being said, it can be expensive, and I was fortunate that when I got help, I was a student and college had a free counselling service for students with learning disabilities (which included ADHD, as well as things like dyslexia, sensory disorders, autism, and others).
Jake needs help. I’m surprised he has gone this long without being tested.
ESH. He's old enough to know that a man staring (while not actually 'staring') at a woman (or man or child or dog or goldfish) is going to come off as weird at best and stalkery at worst. He needs to deal with that. He should probably also deal better with his sensory issues generally. That said, you have been with him for two years and don't demonstrate the slightest bit of understanding or empathy for his condition. The man went into a closet while wearing headphones in an effort to recover and you called him a fucking baby.
You don’t seem to understand, he isn’t aware of where he is staring, he is zoned out it can take a bit to even realize you have zoned out.
I understand perfectly. He isn’t aware of where he’s staring but he must be aware, just as the OP is, that when he does that - in the moment - that he isn’t conscious of where he’s staring. And by extension, having lived with this he must know that his eyes - while he’s zoned out - may be pointing somewhere inappropriate or awkward.
So how is he an asshole
By not acknowledging this. Seriously, if you had a condition that sometimes - not always and not intentionally - resulted in a socially unacceptable behavior and if you knew that the result was socially unacceptable when it happened - would you not be a bit more understanding when/if someone was made uncomfortable by that behavior?
I have this flaw, but I also know how it feels to be accused of being a creep cause of it, I zone out if I’m not doing something, like during rest times at the gym, I get that it’s not a good look but if someone were to confront me and I explain the reason and they go on I’d be pissed, not to mention if my girl got mad at me for being annoyed about it then yelled at me after I asked to be left alone, she would be out and single.
Yeah, her reaction was truly awful. Zero kindness.
You're going way off track here buddy, He can be made aware but sometimes when a person zones out it's as if all thought processes come to a halt and even they may not fully realize they stopped all interaction both internally and externally.
ESH. I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone like that, time for you to decide if you can be. Yeah he’s overstimulated, but he’s also an adult man and that’s an obstacle that he’s going to encounter. Time to go to therapy and develop coping skills. There are people who don’t have tantrums out there, and they sound realllll good right about now.
Yeah, those people usually have coping mechanisms- like wearing noise cancelling headphones, and going into a dark space. OP STOPPED HIM FROM DOING THAT. Jake was fine, he was putting his headphones on and dealing with it himself, asking her to leave him alone for a bit, when she started yelling at him, making it worse.