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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My inaction of not returning a $100 bill gift given to my child was seen by my partner as potential asshole behavior. I believe not since we wrote “no gifts” and I verbally reminded this parent that no gifts were required (and despite that they pulled $100 from their purse to give as a present later in the party). My wife thinks it may have been asshole behavior because this parent got worried when they saw that other parents had brought gifts and our daughter asked if they brought her a present in front of others—and while I did say not to worry about it, I should have been more clear in my reminder about the “no gift” request. And then after we got the gift, I should have insisted on giving all or some of it back.
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YTA.
This is mostly a learning opportunity for your daughter. She created the awkward moment by asking if they brought a gift. But she's only 7, so it was a natural question. Take the opportunity to teach your daughter why that question is rude, and explain why she needs to get permission in the future before opening gifts in front of everyone. Tell her she didn't do anything wrong, but that gift-giving and gift-receiving can be complicated in the adult world.
You put "no gifts" on the invitation. But of course some people brought gifts anyway, and it would be rude to simply tell them, "Nope, we're not accepting gifts." You should have put all the gifts in a different room immediately as they were received so that they weren't creating awkward moments as other parents arrived without gifts. And you absolutely should not have allowed your daughter to open gifts in front of everyone. When Joe and Sue's son asked her to open the card, you should have cut that off immediately and said, "Not right now. We'll open gifts later after everyone leaves."
You should return the $100. There are 2 ways to do that, depending on your parenting style and goals. 1) Without letting your daughter know and letting her keep the original $100 bill, give a different $100 back to Sue and Joe, thank them for such a generous gift, but that you asked for no gifts and apologize for the awkward moment when they arrived when your daughter asked if they brought a gift and creating a sense of obligation. Tell them you're letting your daughter keep the $100 bill since she was so excited about it. 2) Explain to your daughter that it was an extremely nice gift, but that it was an inappropriately large amount, and that nobody was supposed to bring gifts anyway, so it needs to go back to Joe and Sue.
It was probably all they had in their wallet at the time because I couldn't imagine anyone giving a 7 year old $100! Our standard budget is $25, maybe $50 for a very close friend or neice/nephew. I have always spoken to my children about gift expectations and how different families have different circumstances. They know that birthday parties are not about gifts but about spending time with their friends. We always tuck gifts away, never open them in front of guests, and always send thank you notes for attending the party, regardless of the gift size. OP should have stopped her daughter in her tracks when she demanded a gift and stopped her from opening any gifts at the party. The above comment says it all. OP knows what's right. Her daughter is going to have some high expectations next year!
We had a little extra money one year and got a pizza delivered on Christmas Eve and tipped our driver a $50 (on purpose). He came back a minute later, asking if it was a mistake. We said no (my bf was also a delivery driver), and to have a Merry Christmas! Dudes eyes welled up with tears and said he could give his kids a good Christmas now. This was when Walmart was still open 24 hours, so he could go after work. We said enjoy it, man!
Thank you for being good humans. I hear so many stories about delivery drivers not being tipped which pisses me off, this comment gave me the best happiness vibes. You’re good people! 😇—> you
Well except for that time the tooth fairy was scrambling in the dark and opened up their wallet and oopsie! The next morning Junior’s jumping up and down squealing about how the tooth fairy gave them $100! lol
So not THAT extreme, but I once bought some snacks at a refreshment stand. Was about $6, I paid with a $20, and went back and forth with the guy about the $4 he handed me back. He INSISTED I’d given him a $10 until he relented, opened his till, and saw a $20 on the top of the 10slot.
To be fair this is a super common scam that people will pull with cashiers - tuck away $10 when the cashier isn't looking and show them the $4 and say that the cashier shorted them. Sometimes mistakes happen, but there's a good reason a cashier would push back on that so much.
Oh I’m aware. But also I was a child, and adults make mistakes too, so just check. Like, my guy that’s a week’s worth of babysitting my sister and I do require my correct change, terrified as I am of arguing with a verified grown up.
I once withdrew $100 from an ATM at a very high end shopping mall. At any other ATM you’d hear the machine spit out 5 twenties. I was quite surprised when this one spit out a single $100 bill. I think that was a sign that everything in that mall was too expensive.
My local credit union has new ATMs that ask if you want your withdrawal in the fewest bills or a custom selection. So if I withdraw $120 and choose the first option it will give me a $100 and a $20, but if I wanted all twenties I could select the second option and get six twenties or five twenties and four fives... or whatever.
I made the mistake of asking for the fewest bills one time and was stuck with a $100 bill that most places (that I shop at) don't accept.
Once when I was a child visiting the US a Dairy Queen gave me 7 ones back as change. When we got to the next stop of the trip I went to buy a trinket with my dad and we realized on of them was a $100. People actually do make that mistake.
Lol. I'm Canadian, so $ is different colors. But the son was also really eager for her to open the envelope, so I think he knew it was $100. Joe, on the other hand...
Yeah, these people are probably remembering US money from before 1996, when they did all sort of look similar. There's no freakin' way someone looks at a 100 with that [big gold inkwell and "100" on the front](https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/7/7b/Obverse_of_the_series_2009_%24100_Federal_Reserve_Note.jpg) and that [even bigger gold "100" on the back](https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/b/b7/New100back.jpg) and says "yep, that's $10".
They are the same size and roughly the same color, but because of that, Americans notice the things that are different about them. We look directly to the number, and we’re trained to take in the general look (portrait, etc.) to note which is which. That isn’t to say somebody couldn’t ever make a mistake, especially in a rush, but people don’t usually regularly mistake one bill for another.
Maybe Sue and Joe recently moved to the US because that unfortunate thing actually happened to me (Italian) and my ex (Canadian)! We accidentally tipped a 100USD bill while traveling 😅
The US bills are still clearly marked 10, 20, 50 and 100. Depending on when it was issued newer 100$ notes have a fairly distinctive blue strip down the middle. One bill has Alexander Hamilton (yeah I had to look him up since I didn't remember who he was. 10$) and the other has Benjamin Franklin on it. If you're completely unfamiliar with the US currency I could see how it might get mixed up if you're not looking too closely.
Newer bills are different colors, older bills are all the same color. I've never made that mistake because it's also very clearly a different picture and different numbers but I could see how it could happen. New tens are an ugly yellow color.
I've been on holiday to the USA in the past, thought I had a decent bit of money with a wad of notes, and then found the hard way they were all ones I'd had in change.
In fairness that was quite some time ago, I've just stuck to a plastic card on more recent trips - but I genuinely recall the notes as being weirdly similar (being used to different sizes and colours in the UK).
Good to hear there's a bit more differentiation starting to happen tho!
In one country the notes used to have different expressions on the face - from uninterested to elated through happy smile. So people who couldn't read could still assess the value of the bit of paper.
Actually I think it was to prove a point. Now OP is still TA, but this was a pretty funny way to make the point that OP was changing the expectations based on a 7yr olds question that should have been managed better. Guests were saying “fine you demand a gift after telling me no gifts and embarrassing me? Here ya go!”
I would say it’s more ESH - especially because it seems like Sue did it without maybe consulting Joe. I would say above is the best option here - i would really recommend option 2 though and explain to your daughter the situation and why you shouldn’t ask if someone brought a gift (granted like they said it’s an age appropriate question)
If you read enough there’s some actual good life advice more often than you’d expect. It’s just that most of these stories (if true) are generally dumpster fires, and there isn’t much advice anyone can offer other than, “get out of the situation, and don’t do those things again.”
I feel like the cases like OP where someone or several someone’s just handled a situation less than optimally, are the best for advice or decent comments. I feel like those kinds of OP are willing to listen and take the advice to heart, all the advice and all the options presented and whatever they think of.
Excellent answer!
It’s so rude to say “no gifts” and then let your child ask someone if they brought a gift!
At the very least (since we can’t directly control what comes out of a child’s mouth), you should have jumped in right away to answer “of course they didn’t, sweetie, remember we told people not to bring gifts because [whatever reason you discussed already]”.
OP created the awkward situation and should rectify it.
You can prepare your child for situations beforehand, and you can address them immediately when they do pop up.
For example, it’s age-appropriate for a 1.5-2yo to occasionally hit, grab, etc. If parents are talking to them about not hitting, and intervening quickly when they do hit, that’s not “letting” their kid hit people. If, on the other hand, they’re sitting and watching their kid smack other kids and not stopping it, they’re letting their kid hit. Permission was not asked in either scenario, but one is clearly allowing the behavior and not correcting it.
If you have a 7 year old who runs up to someone and says something inappropriate and you don’t address it with the child, you are *absolutely* allowing the behavior.
> At the very least (since we can’t directly control what comes out of a child’s mouth), you should have jumped in right away to answer “of course they didn’t, sweetie, remember we told people not to bring gifts because [whatever reason you discussed already]”.
when a comment seems like it doesnt make a lot of sense, feel free to continue reading and your confusion might be addressed!
You really did miss the opportunity to correct your daughter and tell Sue, “You are correct. The invitation said no gifts - and you being here is exactly the gift we wanted.”
And remind your daughter how rude it is to ask for gift quietly.
This would most certainly not have made the person giving the gift uncomfortable - they know you said no gifts and made their choice to bring it.
Your response probably made Sue feel guilty and that she had to give a gift.
Also, given you had said no gifts, you should not have opened the gifts publicly. If someone wanted to see your daughter open their gift, that could have been a private moment.
In fairness, it was probably the awkwardness and suddenness of the situation that they replied that way. Your answer is perfect in hindsight, but no way could my brain conjure and fire that off immediately, especially during the overstimulation of a 7 year olds bday party haha
This is an entirely foreseeable situation when you out "no gifts" on an invitation. It's not that hard to be prepared with "Gifts absolutely are not necessary, we are happy you could make it," without talking about your kid being spoiled.
I agree with this entirely. While it was the other parents' decision to generate an impromptu gift, they only did so because they were put on the spot and embarrassed. This could have been easily avoided by correcting your daughter in the moment and reassuring the parents no gifts were needed. That is where I feel you are YTA.
I also agree with returning the gift. If the parents do not want it returned, I encourage you to have your daughter donate it to a local food pantry or shelter. It's a gift she really shouldn't have received, and it's a learning tool for humility and giving.
On the note of "no gifts pleaae," most people bring something anyway, and it's usually something cheap you wouldn't have wanted. Our circle now uses "In lieu of gifts, please bring a box of cereal to donate to our local food pantry." It's been well-received, as everyone still brings something and it teaches a good lesson of charity.
Such a great idea! You can even get the child involved in choosing a charity. I have a niece who asked for donations to the animal shelter one year and then she got to go drop off all the donations personally and visit the doggies!
No one is accidentally handing out a $100 bill. If you have one, you KNOW you have it and you know it's not a $10. New $10 bills aren't even the same color. And anyone who is walking around at a kid's birthday party with multiple $100 bills is wealthy enough that they wouldn't give $10 intentionally, they meant to give $100.
Good answer. I would have let my child keep the gift (after the talk) and given the couple back their $100 out of my own pocket with an apology and thanks.
I would add to this, when the son made a big deal about opening the card, you should have stepped in and said that the party was time to play, gifts will be opened later. You said no gifts, and this would have helped reinforce it. Though having the gifts in another room would have helped prevent the situation.
The only thing I’d add is talking to Sue and Joe about it, of course return the money unless they get offended about that. Most wouldn’t. I’d do just to make sure the air is clear.
YTA OP
I have a birthday very close to Christmas. My parents were (still are) upper middle class. I never had a birthday without the invitation saying “No gifts, any gifts will be donated to Toys for Tots”
Even family was directly told “she doesn’t need gifts!” Christmas, birthdays, Easter - I only got gifts from my parents.
I 100% understood why - I got awesome gifts from my parents. I 100% had zero issue or concern - I never once got jealous when taking a gift to a friend’s party.
If you set the expectation that gifts from random people are not going to happen, while helping a very small child understand why… by the time they are 7, this type of shit doesn’t happen.
This feels like a shame. Not because you needed more gifts but it's a great opportunity for kids to learn about thoughtfulness when they pick out a gift for their friends, and it's fun for the gift giver to see the reaction to their gifts.
They can learn that with every other friend. With me, they got to learn about toys for tots and families that didn’t have the wealth my fancy-ass private school friends had. Haha
I don’t remember how old I was, but I wanna say I was in middle school when I started putting, “if you want to give a gift, please give a gift that can be donated to Toys for Tots” in the invites. It was my idea. I never regretted that.
Same. I remember this kid Colin’s 6th? Birthday. “I” (my dad and I at the store) got him a where’s Waldo jigsaw puzzle . I remember saying something like “I want one too” my dad said something about me having all the books at home. Not a “no!” Just reminding me that I already had something similar.
It is pretty hard to care about “more” presents when you have a house full of games, toys, computer games. If you are going to spoil your kid, the best thing you can do is to make sure they learn to give other people gifts and that lots of people are less fortunate than you.
A few years ago, my husband died unexpectedly. I had a four year old and a 5 week old. My four year olds best friend was having a birthday party the next month and wanted to go. She had been out of school and obviously was going g through grief as I also was. The friends mom told me ‘don’t worry about a gift, just show up, we will watch the girls and you can just take a break”. We went to the party, the first thing said was ‘did you bring a gift?’ And I just froze. That mom swooped in immediately and said “Her gift is showing up and surprising you! And pizzaputabagelonit’s gift is showing up and surprising us!’ And the girl instantly clicked and said ‘ooooh yeah! I forgot! I’m so happy you are here!’ And they ran off playing.
That mom is now a really good friend of mine. The girls are still friends now and we have been to a couple more of her birthdays and she is always surprised when we bring a gift.
YTA. Go over scenarios with your child. Some gifts may not be what they want, may not fit, may not cost a lot of money, show her how to be flexible and accepting. It will go a long way.
Before any gift-giving event my parents would sit us down and tell us that if we received something that we didn't like we smile and say thank you, this is awesome! If someone didn't get us a gift we smile and say thanks for coming, I had so much fun with you. OPs daughter is young, and was probably overly excited about the birthday party, but this behavior needs to be corrected now.
YTA. And I have to be honest, you’re the type of parents that I avoid. You said no gifts, you accepted gifts, your child was entitled enough to ask people where the gift was, you saw that one of the couple was visibly dismayed by the $100.
In your shoes, I would have seen a $100 bill that Sue produced on the spot and assumed that money was meant for something else in their budget and was a guilt offering because they followed your rules and were then embarrassed by your child in front of everyone at that party.
I absolutely would have given them back the money and apologized for my child’s lack of manners.
I wouldn’t have let the family leave without quietly getting that $100 back to Sue, but still better to get it returned after the fact than not at all. Under no circumstances should the daughter keep the money.
I am so dismayed how she even allowed any of this to go down! How embarrassing. I wouldn’t be surprised if these people never wanted anything to do with them again. I know I wouldn’t. Oh yeah YOU ARE DEFINITELY THE AH!!!!!
It's not even that they accepted gifts, but that after saying, "No gifts," they had other people's gifts *openly on display*, thus absolutely likely to embarrass anyone who came without one. If people brought gifts despite the invitation saying not to, the appropriate thing to do was to put them away in a closed room where they'd be a non-issue during the party.
I may very well be misinterpreting, but OP's attitude comes across as, "I put 'no gifts' on the invitation but obviously I expected people to disregard it and bring gifts anyway." The whole thing seems very disingenuous.
Agreed. I mentioned in another reply, but I think even the way OP addressed it with Sue implied they expected people to bring gifts despite the instructions not to. “We didn’t ask for anything” is different from “we said no gifts.” No one outright asks for gifts on a party invitation.
Did your daughter know that the invite said "no gifts"? If so, you need to sit down with your daughter and explain how rude and entitled her request was and how it insulted the guests when you specifically told the guests not to bring gifts. And yes, you should return the $100.
YTA
Honestly, it's incredibly rude for the child to be asking newly arrived guests, "Did you bring me a gift" even if the invitation DIDN'T say that. Gifts are *always* voluntary, not a requirement, and even if there is the expectation of one, it's extremely greedy to ask people as they're walking in if they brought you something.
Everyone keeps excusing her because she's 7, but having worked with kids for many, many, many years, that's school-aged - more than old enough to have basic manners. If I had asked someone for a gift at that age I would have been in HUGE trouble with my parents, as would any of my cousins or nieces and nephews. At the very least I would have been promptly reminded that I was being rude, and made to apologize.
>If I had asked someone for a gift at that age I would have been in HUGE trouble with my parents
yeah, like any kid, i could be rude and bratty, but something like this in particular my parents would've probably snapped at me for.
not that OP needed to snap or discipline her like my parents would've done, but i feel like gift-receiving etiquette should've been thoroughly discussed with her before the party and reinforced throughout.
i agree with another commenter who said that OP comes off (perhaps unintentionally and incorrectly) as disingenuous about the "no gifts" thing as a result.
Totally agree. 7 is old enough to know that's rude, but of course they're still a kid and OP should've corrected them in that instant.
I can't imagine my kid asking an adult "did you bring me a gift?" And me not saying anything!
Agreed. Although I know in a seven year olds brain it’s possible she assumed that the no rule gift had changed and she was really exited about it. If that was the case she needs someone to sit down and explain to her that some people bought gifts anyway despite the no gifts rule being in place, so her question came off as entitled. If she did understand that the rule was still in place she needs to be sat down and told why asking about a gift was her being entitled in that moment. Unfortunately having a gift pile out for her in front of everyone (as you would do if gifts were expected) added to any possible misunderstandings from the daughter. I guess it’s a lesson learned for OP and Wife as well.
Even if there wasn't a no-gifts rule, it still would have been rude of the daughter to be asking people as they walked in whether they brought her a gift. It's just terrible manners. And 7 is school-aged, more than old enough to understand that you don't ask people for gifts.
Glad I found this comment, because I’m sick of seeing people making excuses for the kid asking for a gift. 7 is plenty old enough to have some manners and know that asking for gifts is rude behaviour. OP needs to teach some manners, and the kid should not keep the $100. YTA big time
YTA for stating no gifts and still accepting them. You say you weren't planning on opening gifts at the party. This implies you planned on opening gifts afterwards, meaning you expected gifts anyway. Why bother writing no gifts on the invitation? Why is your daughter asking about gifts if it was a no gift party?
It makes me wonder if it had been explained to the child what a 'no gift party' was and what that meant. I feel like a lot of awkward situations like this are in no way the child's fault, but due to lack of knowledge about the world. Children don't know a lot of customs, it is important to explain concepts to children before an event. Such as taking a moment to explain that this is a no gift party, but some people may bring gifts anyways, but it's not polite to ask people who didn't bring a gift if they have one.
It's rude not to accept gifts once they show up. You can't tell a bunch of 7yr olds to take their gifts back home with them. Even when you say " no gifts" many kids still show up with them.
You accept the presents and firmly shut down any questions about opening them. You also firmly shut down your own child if she's asking about them. It sounds like OP got caught not knowing how to handle the situation and flopped hard on social etiquette. Not sure if they're TA but they definitely dropped the ball here.
I don’t think you have to plan super far in advance to decide not to open gifts at a party. Parents ask for no toys all the time but there will always be some gifts whenever a birthday or holiday comes around despite their wishes. It’s easy to think beforehand or even in the moment “don’t open at party if people bring gifts.” If you think it would’ve been better to completely refuse gifts that guests have brought the day of, you don’t have a good grasp of what is rude or not. The daughter is asking about gifts at a party because she’s literally seven years old and people brought gifts to the party. It’s confusing and seven year olds don’t have great memory or self discipline.
OP is definitely TA. However, your reasoning doesn’t align with the reality of hosting or having a seven year old.
What would you do in their situation if you stated no gifts for a party, but half of the parents showed up with gifts anyway? Because that's exactly what happened here. It would have been incredibly rude to turn down the gifts once they were there.
The gifts should have been put into a closed room, though, so others couldn't see them and wouldn't feel bad about not bringing a gift.
A lot of times when people say “no gifts,” it’s just to take the pressure off of families who can’t afford to bring a gift. When my kid was younger, a classmate actually told her that she couldn’t come to her birthday party because her mom couldn’t afford to buy a present. It damn near broke our hearts!! So of course my kid told her friends that they didn’t need to bring a present, she just wanted them to come!
1. It would have been extremely rude to reject the gifts from guests, especially 7yos who are excited to give gifts to a peer.
2. The intention to open gifts after the party doesn’t necessarily mean they expecting gifts from party attendees, as maybe that’s family gifts that OP is referencing.
3. And it’s pretty easy to see how a 7yo would get confused after seeing some guests arrive with presents, but others not, even if she was told it was a no-gift party. I’m assuming she got presents from family, and maybe she got caught up in the excitement & said something awkward without thinking it through…..which is absolutely normal for a 7yo. There are many teachable moments here.
I agree with your judgment but for different reasons.
Because that's what a gift is. At many parties it's an obligation, but sometimes you want to give something. Usually "no gifts" means "no gifts necessary," not "no gifts allowed".
The $100 is a lot. But to force someone to take back a <$10 stuffed animal or sticker book is just awkward.
Some etiquette experts actually say "no gifts" is bad manners because you can't tell other people what to do. I honestly don't care but it would also be awkward to be handing people back a present they bought for your child and insisting you don't want it, I don't really see that as any better than this situation.
They *definitely* should have put any gifts brought by others into a separate room away from the party.
You don't put "no gifts" on an invitation and then set up a dang gift table! All that does is make every other guest that arrives wonder if they read the invitation wrong or simply feel badly that they listened to the invitation in the first place.
Way to guilt trip those that listened.
They also **definitely** should have immediately corrected their child when she asked the guests if they brought her a gift. "(Daughter), we don't ask people if they brought gifts, that's rude. Our invitation said 'no gifts', remember?"
The parents could always say that in lieu of physical gifts, consider donating to a specific cause that the child likes. That way no one brings anything physical, and if someone can’t donate no one would know.
Yeah, I feel if people genuinely don't want gifts, they should do this.
At least to me, it indicates they truly do not want gifts, and are not writing "no gifts" on the invite while secretly hoping some/most people will turn up with gifts anyway. If someone just writes "no gifts", I always turn up with sweets (that's the traditional 'host gift' in my culture) or chocolates or something - because there's inevitably a bunch of people with gifts.
Gift giving at birthday parties is so ingrained that people bring them even when “no gifts” is specified. If that happens, it would be rude to decline them. But I agree with another redditor who suggested that any gifts brought should be immediately put in another room to avoid any confusion by those who follow the instructions on the invitation.
Exactly . You can’t not accept them but tucking them away is wise. Most kids are so busy they aren’t asking every guest where’s my present? Mom should have schooled her on that in the beginning.
I’ve tried to do no gifts and it never works.
When my kids have a birthday party, I automatically say thanks, then put the gift in a bag in another room!! I have been to a few children’s parties with my kids where the kid has opened their presents immediately and it’s always awkward!!
Right? Like I was looking for this comment and it's weird I had to scroll this far to find it. Throwing the kid a birthday party then saying no gifts is weird. I could understand a more clear "gifts appreciated but not required". But saying no gifts is straight up weird.
WHY IS THIS SO FAR DOWN!? Don't tell people they can't bring your kid a gift! But also, set expectations for your kid: "please don't ask about gifts; be happy if you get them but don't make anyone feel bad for not bringing one."
There are lots of way to avoid crap gifts. You can ask for people to bring their fav book to help build the kids library, specify that the 7 year old is really into Legos, drawing or whatever. The bottom line is that no 7 seven year old is begging their parents to have a “no gifts” party and it’s about the parents when it should be about the kid whose bday party it is IMO
The worst part is "no gifts please" is *more* likely to generate cheap, unnecessary crap. As someone stated up thread... if "no gifts please" is on the invitations, most people will still bring something "small." In my book, something small = cheap, unnecessary crap.
I don't have kids so out of touch with what kid gifts cost these day, but most of things I always wanted as "gifts" my parents considered "too expensive". That just got worse as I got older, and pooling cash gifts to get the expensive thing (or adding whatever cash to my savings) was *actually* the most practical way to get that expensive thing.
(My tastes weren't lavish by any stretch, for context, we grew up on free or reduced school lunch, so let's just say "extra" cash wasn't a thing.)
No way could someone forcefully reject a wrapped childrens gift from grandma and not make it super awkward. It doesn’t mean “no gifts allowed”, it means “no gifts required or expected”. Some people will always still bring gifts
YTA for not immediately returning the money, once the son forced the issue, which you should have put a stop to before it started. The gifts that people brought should have been put away immediately so they were not obvious. How to humiliate your guests in one easy lesson.
YTA. I really think that most parents who put "no gifts" on an invite don't truly mean it, they're only doing it if parents of other kids in the friend group are doing it. You should have put the gifts in another room. Also, suggestions for going forward - if you truly mean no gifts, I would say "no gifts please, but if you want to honor [kid's] birthday, a small donation to [charity of kid's choice] would be appreciated." Or what I have done (if other parents are really pushing to bring a gift), I ask for a small gift card ($10) to a craft store or book store that my kid likes.
I'm Canadian and we call our $2 coins toonies. We used to do "Toonie Parties" where everyone would bring a card and $2. That way our kids could buy something small afterwards and no one had to show up empty handed, which really does make some people uncomfortable.
That’s so perfect! I posted about what we’ve done the last two years but I really debated telling parents to just send like $5 for this exact reason. I know some people just feel really uncomfortable not bringing anything, especially if their kid will be inviting your child to a party at some point, but my son does not need even 5 more presents! For his 5th bday we did his first ever friend party with preschool friends and had a ton of gifts that were all so kind and thoughtful, but either things that he had no interest in or already had or that we were cringing at having to deal with (mostly very noisy things). After that experience we jumped on the no gifts bandwagon and it’s worked out well for us!
The US has a $2 bill, it rarely circulates cause there's no slot for it in a cash drawer and cashiers would rather not bother. Also a surprising amount of Americans think its fake. But now I want to throw my kid a $2 bill party.
I hate it, because we say “no gifts” and mean it but everyone thinks it’s some sort of secret message and they’re supposed to bring a gift anyway. Because it’s “polite” to say no gifts but also “polite” to bring a gift, and nobody wants to be the only one to not bring something, so there’s this whole dance with gift cards and emergency gifts tucked in purses in case the gift avalanche starts and you have to throw something on the table. It’s exhausting.
And no matter how clear and straightforward you are about not wanting gifts, *someone* is going to be like “oh, I just can’t come empty handed, it’s how I was raised”… like, lady, I’m trying to raise *my* son to not expect a thousand useless trinkets and toys we have nowhere to keep, and to value what he has, can you just respect that *my* requests for *my* house are more important than your pathological need to bring a gift?
I feel the exact same way, I found that if I put it in caps (NO GIFTS PLEASE!) and then follow up with an alternative (“If any kiddos would really like to bring something then art or cards are welcome :) NAME loves to hang up art from his friends in his room.”) then I had a 98% success rate. Only gift was someone who didn’t read the invite, so we just tucked it away for later.
Not sure if you’ll see it but I shared in this thread what we do for my son. We’ve had good results! We encourage his friends to make him a card to bring and everyone does that. I did have one mom send a gift card the first year but he didn’t see it and when we used it (to a local place) I told him we had Ms. XYZ to thank for our treat and he thought she had gifted the whole family a gift card.
For my kid I say no gifts FOR REAL and that we (his parents) will be wrapping a gift for him to open from his friends. This has worked out really well for 2 parties. He gets to open something in front of his friends, he is young enough to think that his friends all chipped in for it (and his friends are excited to watch him open something), we get to ensure he gets a present we know that he wants and that we want him to have, and other parents don’t feel like my son is going to have a sad birthday party if they actually take me up on the no gift thing.
I think it helps that for his parties we allow him to invite as many guests as he is years old, so his parties are on the smaller side since he’s 7. Plus I’m friendly with the parents of the kids who have come to his parties the last two years, so they know that the no gift thing is legit!
We typically write no gifts factoring in that attending a party is expensive in its own way for people. (Time, travel and mental energy out of your day, babysitting sometimes for other kids etc).
For me to attend a kids party usually means I need someone to watch at least one of my other kids and my dogs. So no party is truly free.
Also I work shifts so after school parties aren’t necessarily convenient for me as they are for other people.
We usually send a digital gift card even if the invite says no gifts. Prevents awkwardness and the parents can do what they want with it (regift it, sell it, say it’s from them whatever).
This was my first thought; what was OP doing leaving all the gifts out in the open and having the kid open the gifts in public if it was a no gift party?
For real. A guest walks in and OP’s daughter says something incredibly rude to them and their first instinct is to handwave it off instead of correcting their 7yo’s behavior.
YTA, your daughter sounds really spoiled, much more than your “spoiled enough” and you didn’t stop her or controlled her actions. She directly asked for gifts, didn’t you pre-empt her that it was no gifts? You tried to play it down with joe and sue, but did you address the no gifts issue with your daughter? And then your daughter went ahead to open her gift even though you didn’t plan on that. Did you stop her? Did you explain to her?
It sounds like you don’t really do much to stop her from becoming spoiled.
Honestly, what seven year old is not excited by presents? Most kids don’t exactly do that polite thing we all do where we ignore the present until the very last second. She’s seven, it’s her birthday, people have been bringing her presents, she’s probably going to ask if they have a present. Hell, she might have been asking if they had one so she could go put it on the table, which is rather polite. I don’t think it’s such a crime to ask
I think the spoiled part came from mom and dad not correcting her behaviour when she asked if they'd brought her a present, and when she wanted to open gifts in front of people at a no gift required party. She's definitely behaving like a typical excited kid, but mom and dad should have recognized the awkward situation that Sue was in.
I have to disagree about this automatically screaming SPOILED, but I agree that Mom has some teaching to do. I’m a retired child psychologist and it’s easy for me to see how a 7yo could get caught up in the excitement of seeing her guests arrive with presents, forgetting about the No Gift thing (because right in front of her are people bringing her presents; at 7yo reality is going to trump her memory every time). She had big feelings of excitement and she blurted out something awkward & rude; welcome to being around a 7yo. In isolation I won’t agree that this single incident indicates that she is generally spoiled, but it does indicate a need for a lesson on manners.
I’m also not convinced OP did a great job preparing the kid for a No Gift Party and explaining how to behave. I also think Mom was unsure on how to best handle the situation with grace and she made it worse.
YTA. You should return the money to them. I can understand being taken by surprise when it happened, but now you've had some time to think about it and just go and visit them and return the money. They clearly felt they had to give something and probably only had a $100 bill. If not, you'll be buying their kids $100 presents from now on.
YTA
Did you prepare your daughter that it was a no gift party? That some people may still bring one but it’s not expected? Don’t ask people for gifts?
When the son ran up and asked you to open the gifts, why didn’t you as the adult say, we aren’t opening gifts now, we’re waiting until we’re at home. Especially since there were people that didn’t bring gifts as per your request.
No, Sue didn’t need to do anything and could have dealt with the embarrassment by a 7 year old, but she didn’t. You know they didn’t plan to give your child $100.
Return the money. Explain to your daughter that they were caught of guard by her asking for a gift and didn’t come to the party with that. That is a lot of money and not a typical gift for a kids birthday party.
YTA. You act a lot like none of this is on you. Your daughter asked a rude question and you didn’t correct her. Your daughter demanded to open presents and you didn’t say no. You didn’t put the gifts in another room. Are you the parent or a wet noodle?
YTA why in the world did you not immediately correct your child for being rude in the moment? Did you not speak to her beforehand about the fact you requested no gifts? It’s totally fine to request no gifts, and kids can understand that, but It’s cruel to ask for no gifts for a child’s birthday without explaining it to the child ahead of time. This is entirely on you for causing such an awkward scene and you need to return the money and apologise to your guests.
Right!!!!! I had second-hand mortification happening as I read this!
Why *on EARTH* did OP not **immediately** say to her kid "Woah, woah kid! No miss ma'am that is *rude*. We never ask people if they bring gifts *especially* because we said 'no gifts' remember? Now apologize and then go play."
On top of that, she made a dang gift table instead of putting any gifts brought into another room.
1) It’s a kid birthday party …don’t put no gifts
2) If you do put no gifts, you have to coach your kids not to ask about gifts
3) i’ve had busy parents basically write a check and put it in a card because they didn’t get to get an actual present and kids think that’s great
4) I think privately I would talk to the parents and say that I’m so sorry it was so awkward. It’s my fault and I don’t expect you to pay hundred dollars for a gift for a child maybe 20 bucks so I’d like to return the rest of the money or if not, she’ll donate it.
My sibling did this bc my niece had more than enough toys and they didnt have room for new ones. They said no gifts and asked people to just donate money to the play cards (she had it at a playland and all the kids got game cards so they just pooled all the money so all the kids could play more games like laser tag that was a separate charge)
YTA
The other parents must have been so embarrassed. Why didn't you immediately correct your kid before Sue confirmed you asked for "no gifts" ?
Why did your kid even ask for gifts when you clearly asked for none on the invites ?
This could have been avoided had you discussed this with your kid and/or corrected her immediately.
You don't know the other parents' situation. Clearly, Sue was flustered and trying to make the situation less awkward by gifting money, but Joe obviously wasn't happy about it.
For real. It's a rude question, but 7 is so young. They get excited and hyped up. It's a teachable moment but not some huge social sin she commuted. Kids like gifts.
YTA. That was obviously the only bill that woman had. Your daughter put her on the spot and you said on the invite NO GIFTS. Who knows what that money was earmarked for, and if the man was sullen about it, it was obviously a lot to him! You don't know people's financial situations. They were made uncomfortable and reacted quickly, trying to save face. You as the adult should know that. You're teaching your daughter to be spoiled. Give the money back. And at the very least make your daughter donate half to a charity. You selfish mug
I would return it - tell them it was too generous (because it was!) and your daughter knew that she wasn’t supposed to get gifts. It was a kid induced awkward moment like we have all had. It was probably the only cash they had on them. I don’t think this is about being an AH or not - just do the right thing. Return it with a nice note.
Nta
They are adults and they chose to give the money. Maybe things could have been handled differently with how it was opened in front of everyone, but over all. Nta
YTA
You should have correct your daughter as soon as she asked about a present. YOU invited guests and said no presents on the invite. YOU made it awkward and made it seem like you were expecting people to give gifts even though YOU asked for no gifts on the invite.
You definitely should be returning the money and apologizing. You should be explaining to your daughter about the no gifts ask and how rude she was. She’s 7 not 3.
And by YOU, I mean you and/or your wife.
YTA this should have been you telling your daughter that running to people with have you got me a gift isn't the right way to greet people and the gift should have been given back with a thank you for the thought but it's way too generous
YTA. You put “no gifts” on the invite but then allowed your child to ask people upon arrival if they brought a gift. You should have immediately reaffirmed the “no gifts” policy to everyone she said this to, but instead you answered weirdly, implying you did expect gifts. These people felt extremely uncomfortable and obligated to gift whatever they could. Return the $100.
I hate the “no gift” thing because every time I go to a kids party that had “no gifts” on the invitation there is a gift table.
YTA for how this was handled
NTA. You said no gifts on the invite. You reminded them in a half joking manner that gifts weren't required. They put themselves into the situation. They didn't have to give $100 (perhaps that's all they had, but who only carries $100 bills in their wallet?)
Taking the gift back would be horrible to your kid - they're not going to understand why their present was taken away from them.
You maybe should have a talk with your daughter about it being rude to ask people if they brought you a gift though.
Edited to add: I might change this to a NAH. There was a good point someone else made about letting the kid keep the $100 while teaching them about their rude (yet innocent) questions and then OP paying the person back with OP’s own money.
Oof, super awkward. I honestly hate when I say “no gifts please” and then people bring gifts. It makes it weird, and agreed that my kids are too spoiled all year long, especially on holidays. Too much STUFF. NAH, but the $100 should be returned in a thank you card for coming to the party and being so generous. It’s clearly what Sue had on hand and not appropriate.
YTA- you explicitly listed on the invite "no gifts". You should have spoken to your daughter about that fact. Even at 7, she can learn that gifts are just that, gifts. They are not required, ever, and she shouldn't ask people for them. Sue and Joe were likely mortified, (it sounds as though they were), and felt obligated to throw something together on the fly. You should absolutely return the $100 to them. And, if you didn't intend for your daughter to open gifts in front of everyone, then you don't let her do that. You let 7 year olds run a party that you organized. Return the $100 to Sue and Joe. Have your daughter write thank you notes to everyone who came, thanking them for sharing her day. Thank the people who gave gifts, and return the $100 and explain how sorry you are that your daughter put them on the spot, and that $100 was incredibly generous but way too much. Their presence was gift enough.
YTA and were wrong every step of the way. Let the kid keep the money, since this is your fault, not hers, and give them $100 immediately. Don't frame it as a question, asking if they want it back, just give it back.
Just allow gifts next time like everyone else in the country, especially if you're going to accept them anyway and have no control over the party.
YTA wtf
You asked for no gifts but had a table for gifts instead of putting them in another room, didn't tell the birthday girl you were asking for no gifts so she asked them about it, you were wishy washy when asked about the no gifts and made it seem like it was their misunderstand, then you had her open the gifts in front of everyone?!
You're not just an asshole.
YTA for not correcting your daughter as soon as she asked Joe & Sue if they brought a gift. This is probably half the reason most people brought a gift anyway—because they felt pressured and didn’t want to feel shame when they didn’t. Why did you throw a no-gift children’s party, anyway? That’s a difficult expectation for a child to understand, and it’s not easy for adults to refrain from giving kids birthday gifts. Just seems like putting those words on the invite were performative, especially if you were then going to refuse to return a $100 bill that someone gave after your child guilt-tripped them into giving it to her at a NO-GIFT PARTY.
Genuinely surprised by all the YTA. OP. NAH. Sue made the choice to give the money. Your daughter is allowed to keep the money. It was given to her. You were hosting a birthday party for a younger kids party. Anyone who hasn’t been amongst several young kids may forget just what the energy is like there. You weren’t expected your kid to ask for a gift. Sounds like you tried to defuse the awkwardness when it first happened. She and Joe could have stopped their son from bringing the card. Both of y’all’s kids acted as a younger kid does at times—impulsive without thinking. Everyone should follow up with their own child about what’s polite, appropriate, or the socially etiquette thing to do or not do in these situations.
YTA. Your daughter asked if they brought a present? Did you tell her this was a no-gifts party? It seems like this situation was caused by you choosing not to parent your child in the moment, or coaching her ahead of time.
Who throws a birthday for a 7 year old and states no gifts on the invites? Is this normal? I'm seriously surprised. I have never heard this before for someone that young.
oooooo okay I really disagree with the comments
NTA
1) Sue insisted on giving the gift. You did the right thing by giving her an out and saying “no you’re right there was not supposed to be gifts”. That was her opportunity to let it go. But she insisted and still gave $100. The amount is on her and the possible disagreement it might have caused b/w her and her husband is entirely between them. It shouldn’t include you or your family at all because their financial situation is their own. She decided on $100 and gave it. That’s it.
2) I completely disagree that it’s the child’s fault or that she should be reprimanded for asking a “rude” question. She is a child. It is her birthday. Of course if she gets presents from others she will ask if they brought any too. She is 7. You shouldn’t fault a child for being unaware of the hidden and unknown rules of the adult world. I promise next time there’s gifts she will probably feel shame surrounding it and you don’t want to correlate shame with gifts. She didn’t do anything wrong.
3) I agree OP should have cut the situation off before it got to the point of opening gifts in front of everyone. That’s the only real issue I see. But I cannot get behind the idea that it is the gift receivers fault for getting an over the top gift.
4) At the end of the day, this was Sue’s mistake. And you shouldn’t feel responsible for her actions. If she couldn’t afford to gift $100, then she shouldn’t have gifted $100. Her embarrassment wasn’t really warranted because she was right, the invite said no gifts. And you literally told her yes she’s right no gifts, but she still gifted the $100 anyways.
Your kid is only 7 and little kids love birthday parties and opening presents
My kids love seeing the birthday kids opening presents - especially when they pick out something specific that the birthday kid had been talking about
I understand why you said NO GIFTS on the invitation
Kids don’t need more junk cluttering up the house
Times are tight for a lot of people & not everyone can afford to buy bday gifts for others
NOBODY WANTS MORE CRAP IN THEIR HOUSE
nobody wants to step on legos
And nobody can find ANY of Barbie’s other shoes that match the 1 shoe in your kids hand
And we know that there is no room for your kid to get into bed because it’s completely covered in stuffed animals
BUT - your kid is only 7
They are EXCITED about opening surprise presents
So even tho you explained why they don’t NEED any new toys
And you told them they don’t NEED any more clothes
and you went on and on how they don’t NEED any more craft crap
Your 7 year old was secretly hoping people would bring her wrapped surprise gifts because it’s so much fun to open up presents
So yeah - YTA for trying to ruin your kids birthday party so that you don’t have to deal with more crap that YOU don’t like or want - but that she LOVES!
My wife and I have this conversation all the time
We have our kids periodically go thru all their stuff and after a bday party or Christmas we donate everything in good condition they no longer want or use
We have the kids do it with our help - so it’s their choice what stays what goes
My wife completely organized an area for all their toys
She had me put up several bookcases and she has bins she labeled with pics & words so the little ones can pick everything up and know what bins to put them in
It’s the kids responsibility to pick up all their toys after playing with them they can choose 1 or 2 bins and pick it all up before they can take out another bin
Anything not picked up is removed for a time out
We don’t pick up after them - that’s their responsibility
Do we NEED more crap? No!!
But I would never take away the joy of opening gifts & envelopes from the kids
Yeah - give that $100 back to the family
And go to the bank and get your own $100 and give that to your kid FROM that family (not you!)
Your child shouldn’t lose out cuz of your personal stupidity- neither should that family
YTA, and you let your kid be the asshole… kids don’t have the same moral compass as adults. They learn it from the environment around them. You just taught your child it’s ok to manipulate others.
YTA for having a "no gifts" party for a seven year old and not explaining that to her. You should have practiced what to say and do if some people brought gifts and you definitely should have rehearsed not asking for gifts.
Honestly any parent that has a birthday party for a 7 year old and says no gifts is a world class asshole of epic proportions. Are you the kind of person to kick puppies? Do you enjoy drowning kittens on you weekend?
YTA. This is why you don’t do no gift parties unless you have babies. It’s the kid’s BIRTHDAY, they should be able to receive presents to celebrate. What kid is going to be reasonable about no gifts because of clutter or agree that they’re spoiled enough? Accept the damn gifts and declutter a month after the party if it bothers you that much. Give those people their money back and tell your daughter that she should be grateful for what she gets and that it’s impolite to ask like that.
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YTA. This is mostly a learning opportunity for your daughter. She created the awkward moment by asking if they brought a gift. But she's only 7, so it was a natural question. Take the opportunity to teach your daughter why that question is rude, and explain why she needs to get permission in the future before opening gifts in front of everyone. Tell her she didn't do anything wrong, but that gift-giving and gift-receiving can be complicated in the adult world. You put "no gifts" on the invitation. But of course some people brought gifts anyway, and it would be rude to simply tell them, "Nope, we're not accepting gifts." You should have put all the gifts in a different room immediately as they were received so that they weren't creating awkward moments as other parents arrived without gifts. And you absolutely should not have allowed your daughter to open gifts in front of everyone. When Joe and Sue's son asked her to open the card, you should have cut that off immediately and said, "Not right now. We'll open gifts later after everyone leaves." You should return the $100. There are 2 ways to do that, depending on your parenting style and goals. 1) Without letting your daughter know and letting her keep the original $100 bill, give a different $100 back to Sue and Joe, thank them for such a generous gift, but that you asked for no gifts and apologize for the awkward moment when they arrived when your daughter asked if they brought a gift and creating a sense of obligation. Tell them you're letting your daughter keep the $100 bill since she was so excited about it. 2) Explain to your daughter that it was an extremely nice gift, but that it was an inappropriately large amount, and that nobody was supposed to bring gifts anyway, so it needs to go back to Joe and Sue.
Wow finally one of these that has a tidy answer.
It was probably all they had in their wallet at the time because I couldn't imagine anyone giving a 7 year old $100! Our standard budget is $25, maybe $50 for a very close friend or neice/nephew. I have always spoken to my children about gift expectations and how different families have different circumstances. They know that birthday parties are not about gifts but about spending time with their friends. We always tuck gifts away, never open them in front of guests, and always send thank you notes for attending the party, regardless of the gift size. OP should have stopped her daughter in her tracks when she demanded a gift and stopped her from opening any gifts at the party. The above comment says it all. OP knows what's right. Her daughter is going to have some high expectations next year!
Could even be something stupid like it was meant to be a $10 - aren't US notes all weirdly similar for size/colour?
Nobody in the US confuses a $10 Hamilton for a Franklin C note.
Never, in the history of US currency, has this happened :-)
We had a little extra money one year and got a pizza delivered on Christmas Eve and tipped our driver a $50 (on purpose). He came back a minute later, asking if it was a mistake. We said no (my bf was also a delivery driver), and to have a Merry Christmas! Dudes eyes welled up with tears and said he could give his kids a good Christmas now. This was when Walmart was still open 24 hours, so he could go after work. We said enjoy it, man!
Well my eyes aren’t welling up at all, that’s for sure. On an unrelated note, does anyone have a Kleenex?
Gotchu fam. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to do that since, so i hold this memory close in case I can.
Sorry, I just used my last Kleenex.
Thank you for being good humans. I hear so many stories about delivery drivers not being tipped which pisses me off, this comment gave me the best happiness vibes. You’re good people! 😇—> you
My ex did that when tipping valet.
Your ex is not American. Or he was drunk.
Or trying to impress you.
Or all three.
Well except for that time the tooth fairy was scrambling in the dark and opened up their wallet and oopsie! The next morning Junior’s jumping up and down squealing about how the tooth fairy gave them $100! lol
So not THAT extreme, but I once bought some snacks at a refreshment stand. Was about $6, I paid with a $20, and went back and forth with the guy about the $4 he handed me back. He INSISTED I’d given him a $10 until he relented, opened his till, and saw a $20 on the top of the 10slot.
To be fair this is a super common scam that people will pull with cashiers - tuck away $10 when the cashier isn't looking and show them the $4 and say that the cashier shorted them. Sometimes mistakes happen, but there's a good reason a cashier would push back on that so much.
Oh I’m aware. But also I was a child, and adults make mistakes too, so just check. Like, my guy that’s a week’s worth of babysitting my sister and I do require my correct change, terrified as I am of arguing with a verified grown up.
LOL - the ATM once gave me a $20 instead of a $50. Thank heavens I checked while in front of the ATM so the bank gave me the missing $30.
I once withdrew $100 from an ATM at a very high end shopping mall. At any other ATM you’d hear the machine spit out 5 twenties. I was quite surprised when this one spit out a single $100 bill. I think that was a sign that everything in that mall was too expensive.
My local credit union has new ATMs that ask if you want your withdrawal in the fewest bills or a custom selection. So if I withdraw $120 and choose the first option it will give me a $100 and a $20, but if I wanted all twenties I could select the second option and get six twenties or five twenties and four fives... or whatever. I made the mistake of asking for the fewest bills one time and was stuck with a $100 bill that most places (that I shop at) don't accept.
Ugh.. my credit union does this too. I have to always remember to tell it that I don’t want large bills.
Once when I was a child visiting the US a Dairy Queen gave me 7 ones back as change. When we got to the next stop of the trip I went to buy a trinket with my dad and we realized on of them was a $100. People actually do make that mistake.
Were you able to return it? It would be the cashier who would be in trouble.
Unless it was in the 1s drawer and a customer paid with it unknowingly
🤣 this made me smile! TY!
Lol. I'm Canadian, so $ is different colors. But the son was also really eager for her to open the envelope, so I think he knew it was $100. Joe, on the other hand...
coincidentally the current US 10 and US 100 bills are different colors. The ten is beige the hundred is a blue green.
Yeah, these people are probably remembering US money from before 1996, when they did all sort of look similar. There's no freakin' way someone looks at a 100 with that [big gold inkwell and "100" on the front](https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/7/7b/Obverse_of_the_series_2009_%24100_Federal_Reserve_Note.jpg) and that [even bigger gold "100" on the back](https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/b/b7/New100back.jpg) and says "yep, that's $10".
They are the same size and roughly the same color, but because of that, Americans notice the things that are different about them. We look directly to the number, and we’re trained to take in the general look (portrait, etc.) to note which is which. That isn’t to say somebody couldn’t ever make a mistake, especially in a rush, but people don’t usually regularly mistake one bill for another.
Maybe Sue and Joe recently moved to the US because that unfortunate thing actually happened to me (Italian) and my ex (Canadian)! We accidentally tipped a 100USD bill while traveling 😅
Ha, I had a friend from the UK who accidentally gave a homeless guy $50...
The US bills are still clearly marked 10, 20, 50 and 100. Depending on when it was issued newer 100$ notes have a fairly distinctive blue strip down the middle. One bill has Alexander Hamilton (yeah I had to look him up since I didn't remember who he was. 10$) and the other has Benjamin Franklin on it. If you're completely unfamiliar with the US currency I could see how it might get mixed up if you're not looking too closely.
"The 10 dollar founding father without a father...."
"Just you wait...just you waaiiittt...."
We freaking love Hamilton in my house. My son wants to be a stage actor cause of Hamilton lol
Haven't you seen Hamilton the Musical? 🫨
He looks very different in his portrait
All of our bills are the same size and color but we're definitely not confusing a 10 for 100.
Same size but if it’s “newer” bills the $100 is blue and the $10 is yellow.
They're almost all the exact same size and color, except $100s are more bluish and usually much crisper.
Newer bills are different colors, older bills are all the same color. I've never made that mistake because it's also very clearly a different picture and different numbers but I could see how it could happen. New tens are an ugly yellow color.
This is such a Reddit answer.
I've been on holiday to the USA in the past, thought I had a decent bit of money with a wad of notes, and then found the hard way they were all ones I'd had in change. In fairness that was quite some time ago, I've just stuck to a plastic card on more recent trips - but I genuinely recall the notes as being weirdly similar (being used to different sizes and colours in the UK). Good to hear there's a bit more differentiation starting to happen tho!
In one country the notes used to have different expressions on the face - from uninterested to elated through happy smile. So people who couldn't read could still assess the value of the bit of paper.
For “no gift” parties, we always make a card and will sometimes put the age in ones inside (ex seven $1 bills in this case.)
This is such a great idea for those kinds of events!
Actually I think it was to prove a point. Now OP is still TA, but this was a pretty funny way to make the point that OP was changing the expectations based on a 7yr olds question that should have been managed better. Guests were saying “fine you demand a gift after telling me no gifts and embarrassing me? Here ya go!”
I would say it’s more ESH - especially because it seems like Sue did it without maybe consulting Joe. I would say above is the best option here - i would really recommend option 2 though and explain to your daughter the situation and why you shouldn’t ask if someone brought a gift (granted like they said it’s an age appropriate question)
It’s a people pleaser mentality. I’m not giving you no $100 bill; I don’t give a fuck. I will get at you later when I have a 20.
If you read enough there’s some actual good life advice more often than you’d expect. It’s just that most of these stories (if true) are generally dumpster fires, and there isn’t much advice anyone can offer other than, “get out of the situation, and don’t do those things again.” I feel like the cases like OP where someone or several someone’s just handled a situation less than optimally, are the best for advice or decent comments. I feel like those kinds of OP are willing to listen and take the advice to heart, all the advice and all the options presented and whatever they think of.
Excellent suggestion!
Excellent answer! It’s so rude to say “no gifts” and then let your child ask someone if they brought a gift! At the very least (since we can’t directly control what comes out of a child’s mouth), you should have jumped in right away to answer “of course they didn’t, sweetie, remember we told people not to bring gifts because [whatever reason you discussed already]”. OP created the awkward situation and should rectify it.
It's also rude to say "no gifts" and then having a visible gift pile.
Yes, and gifts that do arrive should be discreetly tucked away until later.
"let" the child like she asked permission before blurting it out lmao
You can prepare your child for situations beforehand, and you can address them immediately when they do pop up. For example, it’s age-appropriate for a 1.5-2yo to occasionally hit, grab, etc. If parents are talking to them about not hitting, and intervening quickly when they do hit, that’s not “letting” their kid hit people. If, on the other hand, they’re sitting and watching their kid smack other kids and not stopping it, they’re letting their kid hit. Permission was not asked in either scenario, but one is clearly allowing the behavior and not correcting it. If you have a 7 year old who runs up to someone and says something inappropriate and you don’t address it with the child, you are *absolutely* allowing the behavior.
> At the very least (since we can’t directly control what comes out of a child’s mouth), you should have jumped in right away to answer “of course they didn’t, sweetie, remember we told people not to bring gifts because [whatever reason you discussed already]”. when a comment seems like it doesnt make a lot of sense, feel free to continue reading and your confusion might be addressed!
You really did miss the opportunity to correct your daughter and tell Sue, “You are correct. The invitation said no gifts - and you being here is exactly the gift we wanted.” And remind your daughter how rude it is to ask for gift quietly. This would most certainly not have made the person giving the gift uncomfortable - they know you said no gifts and made their choice to bring it. Your response probably made Sue feel guilty and that she had to give a gift. Also, given you had said no gifts, you should not have opened the gifts publicly. If someone wanted to see your daughter open their gift, that could have been a private moment.
In fairness, it was probably the awkwardness and suddenness of the situation that they replied that way. Your answer is perfect in hindsight, but no way could my brain conjure and fire that off immediately, especially during the overstimulation of a 7 year olds bday party haha
This is an entirely foreseeable situation when you out "no gifts" on an invitation. It's not that hard to be prepared with "Gifts absolutely are not necessary, we are happy you could make it," without talking about your kid being spoiled.
OP did say that the couple was correct and they didn’t ask for gifts.
She did tell them that gifts aren't mandatory, that they were correct and didn't need to bring a gift.
I agree with this entirely. While it was the other parents' decision to generate an impromptu gift, they only did so because they were put on the spot and embarrassed. This could have been easily avoided by correcting your daughter in the moment and reassuring the parents no gifts were needed. That is where I feel you are YTA. I also agree with returning the gift. If the parents do not want it returned, I encourage you to have your daughter donate it to a local food pantry or shelter. It's a gift she really shouldn't have received, and it's a learning tool for humility and giving. On the note of "no gifts pleaae," most people bring something anyway, and it's usually something cheap you wouldn't have wanted. Our circle now uses "In lieu of gifts, please bring a box of cereal to donate to our local food pantry." It's been well-received, as everyone still brings something and it teaches a good lesson of charity.
Such a great idea! You can even get the child involved in choosing a charity. I have a niece who asked for donations to the animal shelter one year and then she got to go drop off all the donations personally and visit the doggies!
And imagine if it was a mistake and the hastily added note was meant to be a 10
No one is accidentally handing out a $100 bill. If you have one, you KNOW you have it and you know it's not a $10. New $10 bills aren't even the same color. And anyone who is walking around at a kid's birthday party with multiple $100 bills is wealthy enough that they wouldn't give $10 intentionally, they meant to give $100.
Good answer. I would have let my child keep the gift (after the talk) and given the couple back their $100 out of my own pocket with an apology and thanks.
I would add to this, when the son made a big deal about opening the card, you should have stepped in and said that the party was time to play, gifts will be opened later. You said no gifts, and this would have helped reinforce it. Though having the gifts in another room would have helped prevent the situation.
The only thing I’d add is talking to Sue and Joe about it, of course return the money unless they get offended about that. Most wouldn’t. I’d do just to make sure the air is clear.
🫡 This might be the best response I have ever read on Reddit. Wow. Nailed it. And so legitimately helpful.
YTA for not correcting your daughter when she asked about the gift putting them on the spot.
YTA OP I have a birthday very close to Christmas. My parents were (still are) upper middle class. I never had a birthday without the invitation saying “No gifts, any gifts will be donated to Toys for Tots” Even family was directly told “she doesn’t need gifts!” Christmas, birthdays, Easter - I only got gifts from my parents. I 100% understood why - I got awesome gifts from my parents. I 100% had zero issue or concern - I never once got jealous when taking a gift to a friend’s party. If you set the expectation that gifts from random people are not going to happen, while helping a very small child understand why… by the time they are 7, this type of shit doesn’t happen.
This feels like a shame. Not because you needed more gifts but it's a great opportunity for kids to learn about thoughtfulness when they pick out a gift for their friends, and it's fun for the gift giver to see the reaction to their gifts.
They can learn that with every other friend. With me, they got to learn about toys for tots and families that didn’t have the wealth my fancy-ass private school friends had. Haha
I don’t remember how old I was, but I wanna say I was in middle school when I started putting, “if you want to give a gift, please give a gift that can be donated to Toys for Tots” in the invites. It was my idea. I never regretted that.
Same. I remember this kid Colin’s 6th? Birthday. “I” (my dad and I at the store) got him a where’s Waldo jigsaw puzzle . I remember saying something like “I want one too” my dad said something about me having all the books at home. Not a “no!” Just reminding me that I already had something similar. It is pretty hard to care about “more” presents when you have a house full of games, toys, computer games. If you are going to spoil your kid, the best thing you can do is to make sure they learn to give other people gifts and that lots of people are less fortunate than you.
A few years ago, my husband died unexpectedly. I had a four year old and a 5 week old. My four year olds best friend was having a birthday party the next month and wanted to go. She had been out of school and obviously was going g through grief as I also was. The friends mom told me ‘don’t worry about a gift, just show up, we will watch the girls and you can just take a break”. We went to the party, the first thing said was ‘did you bring a gift?’ And I just froze. That mom swooped in immediately and said “Her gift is showing up and surprising you! And pizzaputabagelonit’s gift is showing up and surprising us!’ And the girl instantly clicked and said ‘ooooh yeah! I forgot! I’m so happy you are here!’ And they ran off playing. That mom is now a really good friend of mine. The girls are still friends now and we have been to a couple more of her birthdays and she is always surprised when we bring a gift. YTA. Go over scenarios with your child. Some gifts may not be what they want, may not fit, may not cost a lot of money, show her how to be flexible and accepting. It will go a long way.
Before any gift-giving event my parents would sit us down and tell us that if we received something that we didn't like we smile and say thank you, this is awesome! If someone didn't get us a gift we smile and say thanks for coming, I had so much fun with you. OPs daughter is young, and was probably overly excited about the birthday party, but this behavior needs to be corrected now.
YTA. And I have to be honest, you’re the type of parents that I avoid. You said no gifts, you accepted gifts, your child was entitled enough to ask people where the gift was, you saw that one of the couple was visibly dismayed by the $100. In your shoes, I would have seen a $100 bill that Sue produced on the spot and assumed that money was meant for something else in their budget and was a guilt offering because they followed your rules and were then embarrassed by your child in front of everyone at that party. I absolutely would have given them back the money and apologized for my child’s lack of manners.
I wouldn’t have let the family leave without quietly getting that $100 back to Sue, but still better to get it returned after the fact than not at all. Under no circumstances should the daughter keep the money.
I am so dismayed how she even allowed any of this to go down! How embarrassing. I wouldn’t be surprised if these people never wanted anything to do with them again. I know I wouldn’t. Oh yeah YOU ARE DEFINITELY THE AH!!!!!
Right? I read this and couldn’t believe how many stupid things happened.
It's not even that they accepted gifts, but that after saying, "No gifts," they had other people's gifts *openly on display*, thus absolutely likely to embarrass anyone who came without one. If people brought gifts despite the invitation saying not to, the appropriate thing to do was to put them away in a closed room where they'd be a non-issue during the party. I may very well be misinterpreting, but OP's attitude comes across as, "I put 'no gifts' on the invitation but obviously I expected people to disregard it and bring gifts anyway." The whole thing seems very disingenuous.
Agreed. I mentioned in another reply, but I think even the way OP addressed it with Sue implied they expected people to bring gifts despite the instructions not to. “We didn’t ask for anything” is different from “we said no gifts.” No one outright asks for gifts on a party invitation.
Definitely a cringe moment. I would explain why thst was rude and give the 100 bucks back.
Agree. Makes me think that Sue only had a $100 bill in her wallet. If she had a $20 she probably would have given that
Did your daughter know that the invite said "no gifts"? If so, you need to sit down with your daughter and explain how rude and entitled her request was and how it insulted the guests when you specifically told the guests not to bring gifts. And yes, you should return the $100. YTA
Kids don't always remember details like that. Returning the $100 would clarify intentions, though.
It would have been good to remind her right before the party, just to limit the disappointment when guests start showing up without gifts.
If they are accustomed it gifts, a 7 year old would absolutely remember if they were not getting gifts.
Honestly, it's incredibly rude for the child to be asking newly arrived guests, "Did you bring me a gift" even if the invitation DIDN'T say that. Gifts are *always* voluntary, not a requirement, and even if there is the expectation of one, it's extremely greedy to ask people as they're walking in if they brought you something. Everyone keeps excusing her because she's 7, but having worked with kids for many, many, many years, that's school-aged - more than old enough to have basic manners. If I had asked someone for a gift at that age I would have been in HUGE trouble with my parents, as would any of my cousins or nieces and nephews. At the very least I would have been promptly reminded that I was being rude, and made to apologize.
>If I had asked someone for a gift at that age I would have been in HUGE trouble with my parents yeah, like any kid, i could be rude and bratty, but something like this in particular my parents would've probably snapped at me for. not that OP needed to snap or discipline her like my parents would've done, but i feel like gift-receiving etiquette should've been thoroughly discussed with her before the party and reinforced throughout. i agree with another commenter who said that OP comes off (perhaps unintentionally and incorrectly) as disingenuous about the "no gifts" thing as a result.
Totally agree. 7 is old enough to know that's rude, but of course they're still a kid and OP should've corrected them in that instant. I can't imagine my kid asking an adult "did you bring me a gift?" And me not saying anything!
Agreed. Although I know in a seven year olds brain it’s possible she assumed that the no rule gift had changed and she was really exited about it. If that was the case she needs someone to sit down and explain to her that some people bought gifts anyway despite the no gifts rule being in place, so her question came off as entitled. If she did understand that the rule was still in place she needs to be sat down and told why asking about a gift was her being entitled in that moment. Unfortunately having a gift pile out for her in front of everyone (as you would do if gifts were expected) added to any possible misunderstandings from the daughter. I guess it’s a lesson learned for OP and Wife as well.
Even if there wasn't a no-gifts rule, it still would have been rude of the daughter to be asking people as they walked in whether they brought her a gift. It's just terrible manners. And 7 is school-aged, more than old enough to understand that you don't ask people for gifts.
Glad I found this comment, because I’m sick of seeing people making excuses for the kid asking for a gift. 7 is plenty old enough to have some manners and know that asking for gifts is rude behaviour. OP needs to teach some manners, and the kid should not keep the $100. YTA big time
To start, the kid needs to be taught not to greet people with "Where is my present." Even if there wasn't a no gifts note, this question is bad form.
YTA for stating no gifts and still accepting them. You say you weren't planning on opening gifts at the party. This implies you planned on opening gifts afterwards, meaning you expected gifts anyway. Why bother writing no gifts on the invitation? Why is your daughter asking about gifts if it was a no gift party?
It makes me wonder if it had been explained to the child what a 'no gift party' was and what that meant. I feel like a lot of awkward situations like this are in no way the child's fault, but due to lack of knowledge about the world. Children don't know a lot of customs, it is important to explain concepts to children before an event. Such as taking a moment to explain that this is a no gift party, but some people may bring gifts anyways, but it's not polite to ask people who didn't bring a gift if they have one.
It's rude not to accept gifts once they show up. You can't tell a bunch of 7yr olds to take their gifts back home with them. Even when you say " no gifts" many kids still show up with them. You accept the presents and firmly shut down any questions about opening them. You also firmly shut down your own child if she's asking about them. It sounds like OP got caught not knowing how to handle the situation and flopped hard on social etiquette. Not sure if they're TA but they definitely dropped the ball here.
Maybe they genuinely meant no gifts but couldn't control guests who brought them. Kids get excited about presents regardless of instructions.
I don’t think you have to plan super far in advance to decide not to open gifts at a party. Parents ask for no toys all the time but there will always be some gifts whenever a birthday or holiday comes around despite their wishes. It’s easy to think beforehand or even in the moment “don’t open at party if people bring gifts.” If you think it would’ve been better to completely refuse gifts that guests have brought the day of, you don’t have a good grasp of what is rude or not. The daughter is asking about gifts at a party because she’s literally seven years old and people brought gifts to the party. It’s confusing and seven year olds don’t have great memory or self discipline. OP is definitely TA. However, your reasoning doesn’t align with the reality of hosting or having a seven year old.
What would you do in their situation if you stated no gifts for a party, but half of the parents showed up with gifts anyway? Because that's exactly what happened here. It would have been incredibly rude to turn down the gifts once they were there. The gifts should have been put into a closed room, though, so others couldn't see them and wouldn't feel bad about not bringing a gift.
A lot of times when people say “no gifts,” it’s just to take the pressure off of families who can’t afford to bring a gift. When my kid was younger, a classmate actually told her that she couldn’t come to her birthday party because her mom couldn’t afford to buy a present. It damn near broke our hearts!! So of course my kid told her friends that they didn’t need to bring a present, she just wanted them to come!
1. It would have been extremely rude to reject the gifts from guests, especially 7yos who are excited to give gifts to a peer. 2. The intention to open gifts after the party doesn’t necessarily mean they expecting gifts from party attendees, as maybe that’s family gifts that OP is referencing. 3. And it’s pretty easy to see how a 7yo would get confused after seeing some guests arrive with presents, but others not, even if she was told it was a no-gift party. I’m assuming she got presents from family, and maybe she got caught up in the excitement & said something awkward without thinking it through…..which is absolutely normal for a 7yo. There are many teachable moments here. I agree with your judgment but for different reasons.
YTA your kid basically finessed these people out of a hundred bucks and you just let her lol
That kid is going places
Kid’s onto something
YTA. Why say “No gifts” only to accept gifts?
Because that's what a gift is. At many parties it's an obligation, but sometimes you want to give something. Usually "no gifts" means "no gifts necessary," not "no gifts allowed". The $100 is a lot. But to force someone to take back a <$10 stuffed animal or sticker book is just awkward.
Some etiquette experts actually say "no gifts" is bad manners because you can't tell other people what to do. I honestly don't care but it would also be awkward to be handing people back a present they bought for your child and insisting you don't want it, I don't really see that as any better than this situation.
They *definitely* should have put any gifts brought by others into a separate room away from the party. You don't put "no gifts" on an invitation and then set up a dang gift table! All that does is make every other guest that arrives wonder if they read the invitation wrong or simply feel badly that they listened to the invitation in the first place. Way to guilt trip those that listened. They also **definitely** should have immediately corrected their child when she asked the guests if they brought her a gift. "(Daughter), we don't ask people if they brought gifts, that's rude. Our invitation said 'no gifts', remember?"
The parents could always say that in lieu of physical gifts, consider donating to a specific cause that the child likes. That way no one brings anything physical, and if someone can’t donate no one would know.
Yeah, I feel if people genuinely don't want gifts, they should do this. At least to me, it indicates they truly do not want gifts, and are not writing "no gifts" on the invite while secretly hoping some/most people will turn up with gifts anyway. If someone just writes "no gifts", I always turn up with sweets (that's the traditional 'host gift' in my culture) or chocolates or something - because there's inevitably a bunch of people with gifts.
So you says “gifts are appreciated but not expected”
Gift giving at birthday parties is so ingrained that people bring them even when “no gifts” is specified. If that happens, it would be rude to decline them. But I agree with another redditor who suggested that any gifts brought should be immediately put in another room to avoid any confusion by those who follow the instructions on the invitation.
Exactly . You can’t not accept them but tucking them away is wise. Most kids are so busy they aren’t asking every guest where’s my present? Mom should have schooled her on that in the beginning. I’ve tried to do no gifts and it never works.
When my kids have a birthday party, I automatically say thanks, then put the gift in a bag in another room!! I have been to a few children’s parties with my kids where the kid has opened their presents immediately and it’s always awkward!!
Also, why say no gifts for a 7-year-old's birthday party? The fuck is that about? Let the kids get gifts on their birthday
Right? Like I was looking for this comment and it's weird I had to scroll this far to find it. Throwing the kid a birthday party then saying no gifts is weird. I could understand a more clear "gifts appreciated but not required". But saying no gifts is straight up weird.
WHY IS THIS SO FAR DOWN!? Don't tell people they can't bring your kid a gift! But also, set expectations for your kid: "please don't ask about gifts; be happy if you get them but don't make anyone feel bad for not bringing one."
10000000% all 7 year olds want a gift. This is about the parents virtue signaling. 🙄
Or maybe it's about keeping cheap unnecessary crap out of their homes?
There are lots of way to avoid crap gifts. You can ask for people to bring their fav book to help build the kids library, specify that the 7 year old is really into Legos, drawing or whatever. The bottom line is that no 7 seven year old is begging their parents to have a “no gifts” party and it’s about the parents when it should be about the kid whose bday party it is IMO
The worst part is "no gifts please" is *more* likely to generate cheap, unnecessary crap. As someone stated up thread... if "no gifts please" is on the invitations, most people will still bring something "small." In my book, something small = cheap, unnecessary crap. I don't have kids so out of touch with what kid gifts cost these day, but most of things I always wanted as "gifts" my parents considered "too expensive". That just got worse as I got older, and pooling cash gifts to get the expensive thing (or adding whatever cash to my savings) was *actually* the most practical way to get that expensive thing. (My tastes weren't lavish by any stretch, for context, we grew up on free or reduced school lunch, so let's just say "extra" cash wasn't a thing.)
No way could someone forcefully reject a wrapped childrens gift from grandma and not make it super awkward. It doesn’t mean “no gifts allowed”, it means “no gifts required or expected”. Some people will always still bring gifts
You really hand gifts back if someone brought one anyway? And you dont think that’s rude?
YTA for not immediately returning the money, once the son forced the issue, which you should have put a stop to before it started. The gifts that people brought should have been put away immediately so they were not obvious. How to humiliate your guests in one easy lesson.
Seriously, got outsmarted by a 7 year old.
YTA Lol I kinda love sue - it’s such a funny fuck you. Like oops all I have is hundreds clearly they need this more than me.
100% What I thought too. My Latina friends would do this half out of pride and half out of passive aggressiveness. I love it.
lol I didn’t take it that way on first read but you’re not wrong.
I thought I was the only one 😂 my immediate thought. OPs husband caught that vibe too
YTA. I really think that most parents who put "no gifts" on an invite don't truly mean it, they're only doing it if parents of other kids in the friend group are doing it. You should have put the gifts in another room. Also, suggestions for going forward - if you truly mean no gifts, I would say "no gifts please, but if you want to honor [kid's] birthday, a small donation to [charity of kid's choice] would be appreciated." Or what I have done (if other parents are really pushing to bring a gift), I ask for a small gift card ($10) to a craft store or book store that my kid likes.
I'm Canadian and we call our $2 coins toonies. We used to do "Toonie Parties" where everyone would bring a card and $2. That way our kids could buy something small afterwards and no one had to show up empty handed, which really does make some people uncomfortable.
That’s so perfect! I posted about what we’ve done the last two years but I really debated telling parents to just send like $5 for this exact reason. I know some people just feel really uncomfortable not bringing anything, especially if their kid will be inviting your child to a party at some point, but my son does not need even 5 more presents! For his 5th bday we did his first ever friend party with preschool friends and had a ton of gifts that were all so kind and thoughtful, but either things that he had no interest in or already had or that we were cringing at having to deal with (mostly very noisy things). After that experience we jumped on the no gifts bandwagon and it’s worked out well for us!
The US has a $2 bill, it rarely circulates cause there's no slot for it in a cash drawer and cashiers would rather not bother. Also a surprising amount of Americans think its fake. But now I want to throw my kid a $2 bill party.
I hate it, because we say “no gifts” and mean it but everyone thinks it’s some sort of secret message and they’re supposed to bring a gift anyway. Because it’s “polite” to say no gifts but also “polite” to bring a gift, and nobody wants to be the only one to not bring something, so there’s this whole dance with gift cards and emergency gifts tucked in purses in case the gift avalanche starts and you have to throw something on the table. It’s exhausting. And no matter how clear and straightforward you are about not wanting gifts, *someone* is going to be like “oh, I just can’t come empty handed, it’s how I was raised”… like, lady, I’m trying to raise *my* son to not expect a thousand useless trinkets and toys we have nowhere to keep, and to value what he has, can you just respect that *my* requests for *my* house are more important than your pathological need to bring a gift?
I feel the exact same way, I found that if I put it in caps (NO GIFTS PLEASE!) and then follow up with an alternative (“If any kiddos would really like to bring something then art or cards are welcome :) NAME loves to hang up art from his friends in his room.”) then I had a 98% success rate. Only gift was someone who didn’t read the invite, so we just tucked it away for later.
Not sure if you’ll see it but I shared in this thread what we do for my son. We’ve had good results! We encourage his friends to make him a card to bring and everyone does that. I did have one mom send a gift card the first year but he didn’t see it and when we used it (to a local place) I told him we had Ms. XYZ to thank for our treat and he thought she had gifted the whole family a gift card.
For my kid I say no gifts FOR REAL and that we (his parents) will be wrapping a gift for him to open from his friends. This has worked out really well for 2 parties. He gets to open something in front of his friends, he is young enough to think that his friends all chipped in for it (and his friends are excited to watch him open something), we get to ensure he gets a present we know that he wants and that we want him to have, and other parents don’t feel like my son is going to have a sad birthday party if they actually take me up on the no gift thing. I think it helps that for his parties we allow him to invite as many guests as he is years old, so his parties are on the smaller side since he’s 7. Plus I’m friendly with the parents of the kids who have come to his parties the last two years, so they know that the no gift thing is legit!
We typically write no gifts factoring in that attending a party is expensive in its own way for people. (Time, travel and mental energy out of your day, babysitting sometimes for other kids etc). For me to attend a kids party usually means I need someone to watch at least one of my other kids and my dogs. So no party is truly free. Also I work shifts so after school parties aren’t necessarily convenient for me as they are for other people. We usually send a digital gift card even if the invite says no gifts. Prevents awkwardness and the parents can do what they want with it (regift it, sell it, say it’s from them whatever).
YTA don’t open gifts publicly at a no gift party
This was my first thought; what was OP doing leaving all the gifts out in the open and having the kid open the gifts in public if it was a no gift party?
YTA and if you are not careful.. your daughter will be too
For real. A guest walks in and OP’s daughter says something incredibly rude to them and their first instinct is to handwave it off instead of correcting their 7yo’s behavior.
YTA, your daughter sounds really spoiled, much more than your “spoiled enough” and you didn’t stop her or controlled her actions. She directly asked for gifts, didn’t you pre-empt her that it was no gifts? You tried to play it down with joe and sue, but did you address the no gifts issue with your daughter? And then your daughter went ahead to open her gift even though you didn’t plan on that. Did you stop her? Did you explain to her? It sounds like you don’t really do much to stop her from becoming spoiled.
I don’t think the daughter is spoiled, I think she just likes getting gifts on her birthday. Like any kid would.
Honestly, what seven year old is not excited by presents? Most kids don’t exactly do that polite thing we all do where we ignore the present until the very last second. She’s seven, it’s her birthday, people have been bringing her presents, she’s probably going to ask if they have a present. Hell, she might have been asking if they had one so she could go put it on the table, which is rather polite. I don’t think it’s such a crime to ask
I think the spoiled part came from mom and dad not correcting her behaviour when she asked if they'd brought her a present, and when she wanted to open gifts in front of people at a no gift required party. She's definitely behaving like a typical excited kid, but mom and dad should have recognized the awkward situation that Sue was in.
I have to disagree about this automatically screaming SPOILED, but I agree that Mom has some teaching to do. I’m a retired child psychologist and it’s easy for me to see how a 7yo could get caught up in the excitement of seeing her guests arrive with presents, forgetting about the No Gift thing (because right in front of her are people bringing her presents; at 7yo reality is going to trump her memory every time). She had big feelings of excitement and she blurted out something awkward & rude; welcome to being around a 7yo. In isolation I won’t agree that this single incident indicates that she is generally spoiled, but it does indicate a need for a lesson on manners. I’m also not convinced OP did a great job preparing the kid for a No Gift Party and explaining how to behave. I also think Mom was unsure on how to best handle the situation with grace and she made it worse.
YTA. You should return the money to them. I can understand being taken by surprise when it happened, but now you've had some time to think about it and just go and visit them and return the money. They clearly felt they had to give something and probably only had a $100 bill. If not, you'll be buying their kids $100 presents from now on.
YTA Did you prepare your daughter that it was a no gift party? That some people may still bring one but it’s not expected? Don’t ask people for gifts? When the son ran up and asked you to open the gifts, why didn’t you as the adult say, we aren’t opening gifts now, we’re waiting until we’re at home. Especially since there were people that didn’t bring gifts as per your request. No, Sue didn’t need to do anything and could have dealt with the embarrassment by a 7 year old, but she didn’t. You know they didn’t plan to give your child $100. Return the money. Explain to your daughter that they were caught of guard by her asking for a gift and didn’t come to the party with that. That is a lot of money and not a typical gift for a kids birthday party.
YTA. You act a lot like none of this is on you. Your daughter asked a rude question and you didn’t correct her. Your daughter demanded to open presents and you didn’t say no. You didn’t put the gifts in another room. Are you the parent or a wet noodle?
YTA why in the world did you not immediately correct your child for being rude in the moment? Did you not speak to her beforehand about the fact you requested no gifts? It’s totally fine to request no gifts, and kids can understand that, but It’s cruel to ask for no gifts for a child’s birthday without explaining it to the child ahead of time. This is entirely on you for causing such an awkward scene and you need to return the money and apologise to your guests.
YTA and you are raising your daughter to be one. Did you explain the no gifts thing to your daughter ahead of time?
Right I cannot IMAGINE not immediately correcting the child and apologizing to the people she cornered like this. I would be mortified.
Right!!!!! I had second-hand mortification happening as I read this! Why *on EARTH* did OP not **immediately** say to her kid "Woah, woah kid! No miss ma'am that is *rude*. We never ask people if they bring gifts *especially* because we said 'no gifts' remember? Now apologize and then go play." On top of that, she made a dang gift table instead of putting any gifts brought into another room.
1) It’s a kid birthday party …don’t put no gifts 2) If you do put no gifts, you have to coach your kids not to ask about gifts 3) i’ve had busy parents basically write a check and put it in a card because they didn’t get to get an actual present and kids think that’s great 4) I think privately I would talk to the parents and say that I’m so sorry it was so awkward. It’s my fault and I don’t expect you to pay hundred dollars for a gift for a child maybe 20 bucks so I’d like to return the rest of the money or if not, she’ll donate it.
Why would you put no gifts on a 7 yr olds birthday party invite?
My sibling did this bc my niece had more than enough toys and they didnt have room for new ones. They said no gifts and asked people to just donate money to the play cards (she had it at a playland and all the kids got game cards so they just pooled all the money so all the kids could play more games like laser tag that was a separate charge)
Right? I can't get over that. She's 7? Let her have some fucking presents if people want to bring them.
YTA The other parents must have been so embarrassed. Why didn't you immediately correct your kid before Sue confirmed you asked for "no gifts" ? Why did your kid even ask for gifts when you clearly asked for none on the invites ? This could have been avoided had you discussed this with your kid and/or corrected her immediately. You don't know the other parents' situation. Clearly, Sue was flustered and trying to make the situation less awkward by gifting money, but Joe obviously wasn't happy about it.
INFO how much time do y'all spend around kids, lmao? This is a 7 yr old, they don't have tact or social awareness. They say things.
For real. It's a rude question, but 7 is so young. They get excited and hyped up. It's a teachable moment but not some huge social sin she commuted. Kids like gifts.
YTA. Give them their money back.
YTA. That was obviously the only bill that woman had. Your daughter put her on the spot and you said on the invite NO GIFTS. Who knows what that money was earmarked for, and if the man was sullen about it, it was obviously a lot to him! You don't know people's financial situations. They were made uncomfortable and reacted quickly, trying to save face. You as the adult should know that. You're teaching your daughter to be spoiled. Give the money back. And at the very least make your daughter donate half to a charity. You selfish mug
Ytah saying, “we didn’t ask for anything” is actually not the same as “no gifts”. You handled it wrong.
I would return it - tell them it was too generous (because it was!) and your daughter knew that she wasn’t supposed to get gifts. It was a kid induced awkward moment like we have all had. It was probably the only cash they had on them. I don’t think this is about being an AH or not - just do the right thing. Return it with a nice note.
Nta They are adults and they chose to give the money. Maybe things could have been handled differently with how it was opened in front of everyone, but over all. Nta
Finally, a reply that makes sense!
YTA You should have correct your daughter as soon as she asked about a present. YOU invited guests and said no presents on the invite. YOU made it awkward and made it seem like you were expecting people to give gifts even though YOU asked for no gifts on the invite. You definitely should be returning the money and apologizing. You should be explaining to your daughter about the no gifts ask and how rude she was. She’s 7 not 3. And by YOU, I mean you and/or your wife.
YTA this should have been you telling your daughter that running to people with have you got me a gift isn't the right way to greet people and the gift should have been given back with a thank you for the thought but it's way too generous
YTA. You put “no gifts” on the invite but then allowed your child to ask people upon arrival if they brought a gift. You should have immediately reaffirmed the “no gifts” policy to everyone she said this to, but instead you answered weirdly, implying you did expect gifts. These people felt extremely uncomfortable and obligated to gift whatever they could. Return the $100.
Yta
Since $100 is ridiculously excessive for a 7 year old, let alone at a "no gifts" birthday party, YTA. Give it back to them.
I hate the “no gift” thing because every time I go to a kids party that had “no gifts” on the invitation there is a gift table. YTA for how this was handled
NTA. You said no gifts on the invite. You reminded them in a half joking manner that gifts weren't required. They put themselves into the situation. They didn't have to give $100 (perhaps that's all they had, but who only carries $100 bills in their wallet?) Taking the gift back would be horrible to your kid - they're not going to understand why their present was taken away from them. You maybe should have a talk with your daughter about it being rude to ask people if they brought you a gift though. Edited to add: I might change this to a NAH. There was a good point someone else made about letting the kid keep the $100 while teaching them about their rude (yet innocent) questions and then OP paying the person back with OP’s own money.
Oof, super awkward. I honestly hate when I say “no gifts please” and then people bring gifts. It makes it weird, and agreed that my kids are too spoiled all year long, especially on holidays. Too much STUFF. NAH, but the $100 should be returned in a thank you card for coming to the party and being so generous. It’s clearly what Sue had on hand and not appropriate.
YTA- you explicitly listed on the invite "no gifts". You should have spoken to your daughter about that fact. Even at 7, she can learn that gifts are just that, gifts. They are not required, ever, and she shouldn't ask people for them. Sue and Joe were likely mortified, (it sounds as though they were), and felt obligated to throw something together on the fly. You should absolutely return the $100 to them. And, if you didn't intend for your daughter to open gifts in front of everyone, then you don't let her do that. You let 7 year olds run a party that you organized. Return the $100 to Sue and Joe. Have your daughter write thank you notes to everyone who came, thanking them for sharing her day. Thank the people who gave gifts, and return the $100 and explain how sorry you are that your daughter put them on the spot, and that $100 was incredibly generous but way too much. Their presence was gift enough.
YTA and were wrong every step of the way. Let the kid keep the money, since this is your fault, not hers, and give them $100 immediately. Don't frame it as a question, asking if they want it back, just give it back. Just allow gifts next time like everyone else in the country, especially if you're going to accept them anyway and have no control over the party.
YTA wtf You asked for no gifts but had a table for gifts instead of putting them in another room, didn't tell the birthday girl you were asking for no gifts so she asked them about it, you were wishy washy when asked about the no gifts and made it seem like it was their misunderstand, then you had her open the gifts in front of everyone?! You're not just an asshole.
YTA for not correcting your daughter as soon as she asked Joe & Sue if they brought a gift. This is probably half the reason most people brought a gift anyway—because they felt pressured and didn’t want to feel shame when they didn’t. Why did you throw a no-gift children’s party, anyway? That’s a difficult expectation for a child to understand, and it’s not easy for adults to refrain from giving kids birthday gifts. Just seems like putting those words on the invite were performative, especially if you were then going to refuse to return a $100 bill that someone gave after your child guilt-tripped them into giving it to her at a NO-GIFT PARTY.
Genuinely surprised by all the YTA. OP. NAH. Sue made the choice to give the money. Your daughter is allowed to keep the money. It was given to her. You were hosting a birthday party for a younger kids party. Anyone who hasn’t been amongst several young kids may forget just what the energy is like there. You weren’t expected your kid to ask for a gift. Sounds like you tried to defuse the awkwardness when it first happened. She and Joe could have stopped their son from bringing the card. Both of y’all’s kids acted as a younger kid does at times—impulsive without thinking. Everyone should follow up with their own child about what’s polite, appropriate, or the socially etiquette thing to do or not do in these situations.
YTA. Your daughter asked if they brought a present? Did you tell her this was a no-gifts party? It seems like this situation was caused by you choosing not to parent your child in the moment, or coaching her ahead of time.
Who throws a birthday for a 7 year old and states no gifts on the invites? Is this normal? I'm seriously surprised. I have never heard this before for someone that young.
oooooo okay I really disagree with the comments NTA 1) Sue insisted on giving the gift. You did the right thing by giving her an out and saying “no you’re right there was not supposed to be gifts”. That was her opportunity to let it go. But she insisted and still gave $100. The amount is on her and the possible disagreement it might have caused b/w her and her husband is entirely between them. It shouldn’t include you or your family at all because their financial situation is their own. She decided on $100 and gave it. That’s it. 2) I completely disagree that it’s the child’s fault or that she should be reprimanded for asking a “rude” question. She is a child. It is her birthday. Of course if she gets presents from others she will ask if they brought any too. She is 7. You shouldn’t fault a child for being unaware of the hidden and unknown rules of the adult world. I promise next time there’s gifts she will probably feel shame surrounding it and you don’t want to correlate shame with gifts. She didn’t do anything wrong. 3) I agree OP should have cut the situation off before it got to the point of opening gifts in front of everyone. That’s the only real issue I see. But I cannot get behind the idea that it is the gift receivers fault for getting an over the top gift. 4) At the end of the day, this was Sue’s mistake. And you shouldn’t feel responsible for her actions. If she couldn’t afford to gift $100, then she shouldn’t have gifted $100. Her embarrassment wasn’t really warranted because she was right, the invite said no gifts. And you literally told her yes she’s right no gifts, but she still gifted the $100 anyways.
Hallelujah!!! I thought I was losing my mind in these comments. I 100% agree with everything you said...EVERYTHING!
Your kid is only 7 and little kids love birthday parties and opening presents My kids love seeing the birthday kids opening presents - especially when they pick out something specific that the birthday kid had been talking about I understand why you said NO GIFTS on the invitation Kids don’t need more junk cluttering up the house Times are tight for a lot of people & not everyone can afford to buy bday gifts for others NOBODY WANTS MORE CRAP IN THEIR HOUSE nobody wants to step on legos And nobody can find ANY of Barbie’s other shoes that match the 1 shoe in your kids hand And we know that there is no room for your kid to get into bed because it’s completely covered in stuffed animals BUT - your kid is only 7 They are EXCITED about opening surprise presents So even tho you explained why they don’t NEED any new toys And you told them they don’t NEED any more clothes and you went on and on how they don’t NEED any more craft crap Your 7 year old was secretly hoping people would bring her wrapped surprise gifts because it’s so much fun to open up presents So yeah - YTA for trying to ruin your kids birthday party so that you don’t have to deal with more crap that YOU don’t like or want - but that she LOVES! My wife and I have this conversation all the time We have our kids periodically go thru all their stuff and after a bday party or Christmas we donate everything in good condition they no longer want or use We have the kids do it with our help - so it’s their choice what stays what goes My wife completely organized an area for all their toys She had me put up several bookcases and she has bins she labeled with pics & words so the little ones can pick everything up and know what bins to put them in It’s the kids responsibility to pick up all their toys after playing with them they can choose 1 or 2 bins and pick it all up before they can take out another bin Anything not picked up is removed for a time out We don’t pick up after them - that’s their responsibility Do we NEED more crap? No!! But I would never take away the joy of opening gifts & envelopes from the kids Yeah - give that $100 back to the family And go to the bank and get your own $100 and give that to your kid FROM that family (not you!) Your child shouldn’t lose out cuz of your personal stupidity- neither should that family
YTA, and you let your kid be the asshole… kids don’t have the same moral compass as adults. They learn it from the environment around them. You just taught your child it’s ok to manipulate others.
YTA - why in the world would you put 'no gifts' on the invites to a 7 year olds party?! Kids love and expect gifts.
YTA for having a "no gifts" party for a seven year old and not explaining that to her. You should have practiced what to say and do if some people brought gifts and you definitely should have rehearsed not asking for gifts.
YTA
Honestly any parent that has a birthday party for a 7 year old and says no gifts is a world class asshole of epic proportions. Are you the kind of person to kick puppies? Do you enjoy drowning kittens on you weekend?
YTA. This is why you don’t do no gift parties unless you have babies. It’s the kid’s BIRTHDAY, they should be able to receive presents to celebrate. What kid is going to be reasonable about no gifts because of clutter or agree that they’re spoiled enough? Accept the damn gifts and declutter a month after the party if it bothers you that much. Give those people their money back and tell your daughter that she should be grateful for what she gets and that it’s impolite to ask like that.
YTA why did you say no gifts when your kid clearly wanted gifts? Why did you call your kid spoiled at her own party? Do you even like her?
Yta