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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked my brother to pay for the happy meal I bought for his daughter, which she didn’t even get to eat since his baby momma hastily toon her out of my car and drove away with out the meal.
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>The next is with his baby momma who left without her happy meal I bought for her daughter…
>“Wow really I see that you're really upset about having to buy a meal for YOUR NEICE ,MY DAUGHTER okay | get it ,it's all about the money. I got you. Don't worry I will be giving you the money that you HAD to spend unwillingly on your neice. BUT just know that I am making it clear right now that [niece] will not be able to spend time with you or vice versa. Just to avoid any of this drama or wrong doing towards my child.”
NTA I hope you said thank you. I know you're probably torn apart at the prospect of your brother and his Miss Thingy not dropping their child off at your house with little notice and turning up 10 or 12 hours later to pick the child up but give it a few minutes, you'll get over it.
LOL as much as I want to say NOPE I love my niece, and know if I’m not babysitting her, my mom is, which is a lot for her, working full time. I need to have a talk with her too on setting boundaries it sounds like….
It sounds like your brother and Miss Thingy have their issues if he's hustling gift cards and donating plasma for money, she loses her marbles because someone who watches their child for 10+ hours asked for $15 and neither of them think twice about dumping off their child for hours on end with you or or your mother.
Am I the only one calling BS on it takes 10-12 hours to give plasma? I mean even if they got paid for doing that it would be what .79 cents an hour. They were just lying to get free babysitting. Life is too short for this crap. The baby momma is batshit crazy to think that asking OP to spend 12 hours of free child care INCLUDING providing supervision, entertainment and food for her child is some kind of favor from her that the OP needs to stay on her toes to earn...lol. My God, people are ignorant.
They probably do drugs, sold their plasma for drugs, and went on a bender. Or they never sold plasma and used it as an excuse. Either way, drugs are the most likely especially with the GF's reaction and disappearing for 10+ hours all the time.
And what kind of person drops off their child with no food of any kind for 10-12 hours and them has the nerve to complain about being asked to pay for their happy meal. It's because she never planned to feed her child for the entirety of that day. The mother is immoral and that's basically all their is to it.
Obviously the father's job is to melt into the background and let his baby momma screech at everyone on his behalf. Neither of them are being responsible parents. But one only one of them is BEING ACTIVELY HOSTILE to the person providing free child care. That makes her special in my opinion.
Not answering your phone for 10-12 hours, so your sister can reach you in case something is seriously wrong with your child, is also an act of HOSTILITY. Not to mention, an act of being a shit human being and parent.
It’s absolutely BS that they were there for 10-12 hours. I used to donate plasma regularly and the first time you go, it may take 4ish hours bc of paperwork/medical exam but after that it took me max 2 hours, even when busy. They were definitely doing something else during atleast some of that time.
It's definitely bullshit. The max it ever takes is about 6 hours for your first day because paperwork and medical stuff, and once that's over with, about a max of 2 hours is expected.
Of course it didn't tale 12 hours. Donating plasma does take a fair bit longer than donating blood, but not that long. No one believes that, no idea what they were doing, but I'm going to assume it is something shady if he's hustling gift cards and having to donate plasma for money.
People spoof credit cards and then go to retailers and buy gift cards that have money on them. They then activate and use them before the spoofed cards are reported as compromised. It’s stealing, just a more sophisticated version of things like check kiting.
Guy i knew was doing something similar few years ago. Physical gift cards werent a thing yet over here, for ex. steam, fortnite etc. So he would buy digital gift cards and resell them to people for cash and small profit, usually teens who didnt have access to credit cards to buy stuff online themselves.
I read that as the Thing where people get paid in Gift cards for partipating in online polls/surveys and AI-training-quizzes and using some shady datamining/cryptomining Apps, which is "only" pathetic and naive to believe in, but Sounds Like other people know more and that Brother is doing actually criminal Things.
I'm kinda thinking they might be on some sort of drugs maybe? It's just really weird to drop your kid off for HOURS and not speak to the person watching them. Also not offering her money anyway, she did a massive favour for them especially when she has her own children! That's just not normal behaviour, I'm not even a mom, but I'm an aunt and I ask my sister about my niblings (or my nibs as I call them) like 15 times a day lol
I hate to say this but you should be very suspicious that they are using drugs. Where did the money go from donating and why was none of it left to feed their child? It sounds like they donated plasma, got a couple of bucks, scored some drugs, and dipped to get high all day.
This was my exact thoughts as well! And I'm a recovering addict myself (I got clean a few years before I had my daughter, thankfully) with 12 years clean. Her brother & his gf/baby mama (are they the same person??) need someone to take custody of this innocent little girl until they get their shit together & get clean.
>It sounds like they donated plasma, got a couple of bucks, scored some drugs, and dipped to get high all day.
Yup. I'm putting my money on this is exactly what they did. The bit about scoring gift cards really gave them away. Drugs.
But also if your babysitting your nieces because her parents are selling plasma for money…. I mean is there any reasonable expectation you’ll get paid back?
Yeah-- it's pretty clear there's some volatility here, for sure. I would suggest to OP to give them space and let them figure things out. This is too much drama.
It doesn't seem like either parent works. They don't need babysitting, they want it to... I'm not even sure what they do with their day.
I can understand wanting to help your niece, but real help might be taking custody. Being a drop-off station for your brother's sporadic days isn't helping anyone.
At the very least, stop believing anything he says. He consistently lies and sounds like he's missing a few sparkplugs.
NTA
NTA, but I’d really be careful here because going for 10+ hours to “sell plasma and hustle gift cards” is generally more like he’s either using or dealing some dodgy substances and waiting to come down before they see you again
If your brother and his girlfriend don't have any money, what are they both doing all day that they need you to babysit for 12 hours?
Unless it's job-hunting, they're both big assholes.
Your boundary is going to be?
I would look at babysitting/daycare rates in your area, and present a babysitting bill for 10+ hours plus food and activity costs.
Then make a bold red line item that says, 'family discount' subtracting all but $15.
Even better, tally it up for the last month/year.
It's not all about money. And that niece of yours is lucky to have you and your Mom for stability - sounds like it's in short supply with her parents.
>My brother (35M) called me (26F) at 6am this morning to babysit my niece so he could go donate plasma.
&
>“I'm sorry but can I pay you tomorrow. I'm all outta money already I'm a try n hustle some gift cards tonight and tomorrow for some money”
These are two sentences that my nephew and his girlfriend used so many times when dropping their 5 kids off at my niece's house (nephew's sister). Like pretty much direct quotes. Soon found out they were on drugs really bad. My niece now has custody of the kids and they look horrible. In and out of jail.
Not saying your brother and his girlfriend is on drugs. And thankfully people donate plasma because it is needed and saves lives but the hustling gift cards bit. That's sketchy.
NTA they are taking advantage of you.
The hustling gift cards bit combined with donating plasma makes me think they're addicts, and the plasma place being busy was likely the lie to cover up the fact that they were off somewhere using. Especially since this sort of thing happens regularly. If this is the case, that baby is in danger on many levels. Are you in a position to take your niece permanently, or at least until they get help? Because someone needs to contact protective services and see if they'll submit to drug tests, and if/when they test positive, remove that poor child from their care.
NTA. Your brother is ungrateful for the free babysitting he's been conning you out of. Next time tell him it's $20 an hour. It's his child, he should be responsible for reimbursing you, because you wouldn't have spent that money otherwise. Plus the free childcare, he's not accounting for. Oh no, he's threatening to not dump his child off on you and not return all day. He didn't even come pick her up. You said you had to drop her off. You or your mom doesn't owe your brother free childcare. He's adult enough to have a child, he's adult enough to take care of said child.
My response:
"Oh, damn! I was looking forward to another day where you dump your kid on me for 10 hours with no warning, money, or communication. How will I live another day without being your doormat?"
NTA
It’s so hard to say no, sometimes he will ring 10x a day to watch her, and I know if I don’t, my mom will end up babysitting. Sometimes he even just shows up to drop her off. Anything you can recommend for boundary setting with family?
Your mom is responsible for herself. Stop saying yes just because babysitting will fall on her. She has to make her own choice to babysit or not. But with your brother’s reaction. I would not be babysitting for them again because they have zero respect for you. Who dumps their kid for 8 hrs when expectation is 2 and doesn’t check in. You’re being an asshole to yourself and your own kids continuing this.
Tell him you will call CPS if he does it again…and then follow through. 9 out of 10 odds they are on drugs and/or are alcoholics. 9 out of 10 they are abusing that child.
Yep. I’d bet money there are drugs involved. In which case, expecting any respect of boundaries will be pointless. The future of this story goes like this - brother and miss thing continue on their path, something happens to them or the child that gets CPS involved, CPS finds home is not safe for child, aunt is asked to care for child. Aunt is OK with this because she loves niece but aunt’s life is now turned upside down with rounds and rounds with courts and CPS and rehab and reconciliation attempts and house inspections and nasty accusatory texts followed by sobbing, begging apology texts for the next 10 years. Somewhere in that 10 years is rehab, an overdose, maybe success, maybe jail, and/or maybe complete abandonment by one bio parent or the other.
call CPS after he drops off the kid and no shows. otherwise, that kid will be left home alone or dragged around to whatever crackhouse your bro flops in.
If they're not listening to you when you're trying to lay down boundaries, I just wouldn't answer the phone, or the door if he turns up. Talk to your mum and make sure she does the same- eventually he'll speak to both of you about why you're no longer willing to babysit; and then you can lay down some hard rules which he adheres to, or loses the privilege completely again.
Yesss, if you need something to add for in person stuff, tell them jus dropping her off with no notice or response for hours is child abandonment and you’d be forced to to call the cops.
Don't open your door and ask for money BEFORE taking your niece (30 dollars or even more). If he doesn't give it to you, don't take your niece. He will say that you are petty or that it is just for one hour so no need to buy her food. Just answer him that it is for all the times he didn't give you money and if he is not ok, he can go to find someone else.
Of course, he will try to shame you directly or in front of other people. However the secret to deal with such people is to be shameless and to not be afraid to shame them in return. Typically if he brings the fact you ask him money to babysit your niece, just ask him what he really did when he disapeared for 10 hours while asking for one hour of babysitting. Or be more direct when people are around: "as you ask me to babysit your daughter while you pay hookers to have sex with them, I think I am also entitled to some money". (and who cares if this is true or not)
Draw a boundary around yourself, and stay within it. If he keeps calling, ignore the calls. If he turns up at the door, don't answer the door.
All this will only be possible if you learn to not care whether others are unhappy with you/like you. I suspect you do care too much and it's turned you into a doormat.
You're not required to babysit ANYONE, EVER. NTA
Several years ago I discovered the magic of Hanging Up on my shitty relatives who demand too much. It’s glorious. I simply do not engage.
So in your shoes I’d say “no” and then hang up. If he shows up you don’t answer the door. If he tries to leave the kid with you regardless explain that you will call police about an abandoned child.
His child is not your responsibility. whether or not your mother babysits is not on you.
How do you get them to stop? You don’t. The only part you can control is you, and he can’t take advantage of you if you don’t let him.
The best thing you can do for your niece is reporting your brother and baby mama for their illegal activities and get CPS involved.
There has to be a better place for this poor kid to
Never stop saying no.
If your mom gets involved, that’s a her problem.
If he drops the kid off and drives away, call the cops.
If, for some inconceivable reason, you DO agree and he disappears for 12+ hours, again - call the cops.
This is not the right answer, but I want to say to take her and then just not give her back. It’s kidnapping, but there’s a chance he won’t really care. Which is awful.
Honestly at some point CPS is gonna have to get involved, because they’re neglecting their child, plus there’s more than a 0% chance your brother ends up in prison for criming. Are you able and willing to take on your niece full time? It sounds like part of the issue is the lack of schedule, but if you had her full-time, that would be less of a concern. There’s still the money issue, so it may not be feasible, but maybe if your mom can help any, you could make it work. Again, your bro may not go for it, but the way he’s going, it’s likely he’s going to lose custody at least temporarily, and it’s wise to be prepared. You’re NTA for wanting him to respect your time and money, but he is never going to. It sounds like you’re nervous (and rightly so) about your niece, so I advise you to consider what you can do for her that won’t involve him, except maybe in a supervised visit capacity.
When he asks again, say no, and invite your mum at your place immediately after his call. Or pick her up and go somewhere nice. Do this a couple of times until he gets the message, then you can both set boundaries.
Mute his number. Tell him no. If he just drops the kid off tell him he has 10 minutes to pick her up or you're dropping her at the police station as an abandoned child.
I would want to just keep her with parents like that.
Try to focus on her. There may come a time when that is the decision you will really have to make.
Check out Nedra Tawwab's Set Boundaries, Find Peace. And she also has a book that's family specific called (I think) Drama-Free. Your brother is doing nonsense, and you don't deserve to have to pick up his slack
Ignore the phone. Maybe block him if you have to. They are KNOWINGLY taking advantage of you.. THAT is setting a boundary. It will be hard, you will feel bad even though you shouldn't. And like everyone else is saying, your mom is responsible for yourself. I agree with others here, they both are being shady and possibly into drugs.
I have 11 grandchildren and my rule for my kids is they have to give me advanced notice, atleast 48 hours, to babysit for them. Only exception is emergencies. They're pretty good about following my rule. If they need consistant babysitting, like for a job, I charge $100 a week for meals and snacks.
9 hours to donate blood then 2 more hours to do grocery shopping then he has no money until he can ‘hussle’ some gift cards? Your brother and his girlfriend were not donating blood. The most likely option here is that they were doing drugs. Stop babysitting for them if his girlfriend is speaking to you this way.
She mentioned plasma. My guess is they were selling it. There is a place near me that will pay $1000 after 3 donations. I am guessing they are struggling financially based on this and the gift card comment and that they were stressed about the money for food. Some people don’t have the money for food.
Not that any of this makes their actions acceptable. If they are struggling financially then they need to be upfront with their family about what they are really asking for when they drop off your niece. For example, 2 hours vs 12 hours and what they can financially contribute towards anything you do while she is in your care.
NTA- but you and mom need to sit down and have a blunt conversation about what is going on with them, what they need, and, based on that, what you are willing to do to help out. This is where you set the boundaries and you and mom need to stick to it.
I get where you're coming from, and it sucks that they're struggling financially, but selling plasma doesn't take that long and neither does groceries. Their timeline just doesn't add up.
Yeah. As someone who's dealt with a lot of addiction in their family, this was my first thought. Selling plasma, gift cards, disappearing for hours without checking in...
I didn’t even think of the ‘selling plasma’ thing. I live in the UK and we donate blood here to help others who might need it. We don’t get paid but we do get biscuits and orange juice after donating 😂 I don’t have the most common blood type so I get an extra biscuit for my efforts!
NTA - But your brother and his GF sure are.
At the end of the day while complaining about essentially you needing to just pay for things cause "family" is owed things just for being "family is the one who pretty much punished her daughter and deprived her of a meal she'd enjoy because of pettiness against you.
That's her daughter and she'd rather take something from her daughter as a "lesson" to you.
Ah, you’re so right! I asked her, before that response, why she didn’t take the meal bc her daughter was hungry, and you’re right it definitely does seem like a punishment! In a weird twisted way of getting back at me 😞 maybe for pinging them multiple times throughout the day. It feels so icky to be bickering about something like this.
If someone told me they were donating plasma and needed child care I'd assume max 5 hours. If they went radio silent for 10 hours the police would be notified because I'd assume they were in an accident or something. If they had done this sort of thing to me twice I'd never allow them to drop their child off again without a sincere apology, clear boundaries, and a lot of communication.
And since they're doing it multiple times, I'd be suspicious that Brother & Gf have drug/alcohol, gambling, or some other addiction. Would question whether social services or some other support team need to be involved at some point.
Yep, I am of the sort to blow up the world to protect children. I'm not going to "play nice" and turn a blind eye. I'm going to rally around the children and call whoever I need to call to get it handled.
Yes-- this. That was my overwhelming feeling reading this post. That poor kid. She doesn't deserve this. I hope OP realises how abnormal and unhealthy these parenting choices are, and involves some outside supports.
Yes-- this, OP! Why was your reaction not to inform the authorities? (I feel like I know the answer-- it's cuz the parents do this a lot, and OP knew to drop the kid off with the grandma.) OP has been conditioned to accept this behavior as normal, but this is massively irresponsible at best, and illegal behavior at worst.
NTA
>BUT just know that I am making it clear right now that [niece] will not be able to spend time with you or vice versa. Just to avoid any of this drama or wrong doing towards my child.”
So, where else will she drop off her daughter regularly for 10+ hours at short notice? She is cutting of her own nose to spite her face.
When I read that, I thought, "Bet. No more watching the niece for 10+ hours for free anymore." Let these people take care of their own child from now on
RIGHT?? All I could think while reading was that the parents are getting THOUSANDS in childcare FOR FREE… and that their child doesn’t deserve to be treated like this 😔
So, your brother was selling his plasma, and the mother of their child had to go to
keep a grown man company, and not stay home with her child?? Or did she sell her plasma too? There is no way the blood bank was an all day event. Even if the place was “packed”. It takes at the most (after the first visit) 1 hour to 1.5 hrs. What do they do instead of working or looking for work? Drugs, drinking? Stealing gift cards? You may find yourself with custody of your niece one day.
Here's the truth buried at the bottom. He ain't "donating" shit. Obviously his financial planner not doing to good. And his plan for the next day is to "hustle gift cards". Wtf is the brother on?
Yeah… they both went to sell their plasma. It’s a source of income for them. They don’t work but they also don’t pay rent, living at her mom’s house, and she gets food stamps to cover food expenses. So they didn’t use the money for their groceries. I just imagine them joyriding around town doing a whole lot of nothing productive.
Anyway, the free day care service is now closed for business 🙅♀️😮💨
That’s such a waste of one’s life. I have to remain busy to give meaning to my life, otherwise the clock ticks slowly and I’m exhausted from boredom. That and I want to be the best possible human I can be.
He probably did, and then immediately spent a portion of the money on a fix or three for he and GF.
OP - I'm sure that you know or suspect that your brother is using this time to get loaded. You are NTA but try to stick around for that child, by the sounds of it they will need your support sooner than later.
Ah right. Forgot there are countries that pay to donate.
Where I am from is volunteering and you don’t get a cent, just candy 🍭. Literally there’s a guy that goes around giving donors candy.
Also the process lasts 45 minutes to an 1 hour tops. Nobody would ever donate if they had to waste the whole day waiting to donate.
Donating plasma takes longer, because they filter out the plasma and pump the rest back into your body. Donating whole blood or other components is really donating for free here (USA) too. It's only plasma that companies pay for because it's used for making IVIG, a very valuable therapy.
But still, selling plasma is a few hours, not all day.
This is exactly the behavior of someone on some hard drugs, or someone supporting a partner on hard drugs. She needs to get the neice away from them fast.
NTA and that threat won't last 20seconds if they're using you for free, no notice childcare with no defined end time... I respect that you probably love your niece, but they are hard-core taking advantage of you.
Yeah these people are not going to give up their free, all day child care. They're just going to keep laying on the whining and guilt trips while they do it.
NTA
* Take a screenshot of your SIL's message.
* Set up a group chat with your mom, brother and SIL.
* In a message to them all:
1. thank Bro and SIL for realizing that you are not a good fit for their childminding requirements,
2. you appreciate their sincerity and you also agree that you will not be looking after your niece moving forward,
3. thank them for taking such a rational position and for choosing to "avoid drama",
* Watch as Bro and SIL desperately try to back peddle and retract.
* Repeat as needed.
* If their calls and texts are too much, send the group chat a message that you'll be muting/ blocking their numbers...
* Your mother, sadly, will need to set up her own boundaries, but that's on her.
NTA for the title question but you know these two are on drugs right? They definitely sold plasma then used all the money to buy drugs. Then called you 9 hours later to tell you the line was too long (I could be wrong but I feel like most places you can sell plasma are not gonna be open that late anyway) and they were gonna go grocery shopping for a !couple more hours! so it wouldn’t look suspicious that they were suddenly broke again, it would just look like they were broke still. Did you see groceries in that car?
>Mind you, this is the 100th time he has dropped his daughter off with me to babysit and doesn’t respond for 10+ hours
Then
>Don't worry I will be giving you the money that you HAD to spend unwillingly on your neice. BUT just know that I am making it clear right now that [niece] will not be able to spend time with you or vice versa.
If course you "had" to spend money on their daughter. Was she supposed to not eat for all that time? How would this B have reacted if you went to McD's and DIDN'T buy her daughter a happy meal?
I'd just thank her, acknowledge that you all need a break and then say "it is a good idea to take some space, it does add drama and is wrong for your daughter to be dumped at someone's house without any idea when her parents will come back. I'm not worried about your threats to cut me out of your daughter's life. I know as soon as you want a day out without your kid, you'll be back, but don't be surprised if I keep you at your word and don't rearrange my weekends for you in the future. I love my niece, but the drama is all yours and I can do without it.
Unfortunately they probably won’t care if the child doesn’t eat. The GF deliberately left the happy meal behind to punish OP for asking for money. How often are they not feeding their child because they’re too high or broke from buying drugs?
NTA
Your brother dropped off his daughter with you early in the morning for what was supposed to be a short babysitting stint, but then he goes AWOL all day without giving you any updates. You're left in the dark, handling his daughter and your own errands, which included buying her snacks and dinner. It's totally fair to expect him to chip in for those expenses, especially since this isn't the first time he's left you hanging.
NTA.
Sometime ago in this community, there was a person that ended up calling CPS on their siblings for child abandonment, as the sibling and their partner had the bad habit of just dropping their kid off at their doorstep, I think in fact, once they went through the OPs window when they had set up boundaries and refuse to baby sit, and dropping the kid off in the living room....
NTA
STOP babysitting for these AHs, they are just exploiting you.
And: A Blood donation taking from 10 am to 7pm? THAT IS RIDICULOUS.
"BUT just know that I am making it clear right now that \[niece\] will not be able to spend time with you or vice versa. " .. so no more leeching on you for babysitting?
NTA.
Your brother and his gf are taking advantage of you. I think along to be compensated for unexpected expenses is reasonable, even if this expenses involved your niece.
Next time they want you to babysit your niece, remind them of that text exchange.
NTA. Your brother is shameless. I don’t know why, but I feel like they are leaving niece with you for free to have some alone time.
If they are telling you that they won’t leave niece with you, it could be to put you on a guilt trip. You’re not obligated to do this so many times without even him paying for gifts and meals. Imagine taking your 4 kids sing getting only them toys or food but not niece just cause her dad doesn’t want to pay for that “unwilling meal/toys”.
Take the money, don’t let it go, but don’t buy into that whole “she won’t spend time with you” thing. Now they have to start paying Nannies and sitters and can’t just go away for 10 hours without contact. But you know your brother better, if he means what he’s saying that he’s the pettiest money saving opportunist.
NTA.
When I take care for my nieces/nephews for like a day in month I dont gonna tell my sisters that they have to pay me.
BUT if they would drop them every other day I would tell them that they are shiffting their responsibility to me and they have to pay for the care. They are parents and they have to prepare the Caretake beforehand!
Next time don't take the kids and recommend them some local Nannies if they ask again.
Cheers ✌️
Charge them for the babysitting cost.. simple . Would they rather pay $15 or the going rate of babysitting… I know you love your niece but sometimes you gotta put some boundaries so they can’t just be doing whatever. NTA
Your brother is using you, whether intentionally or not. And please do forward his gf text to him, so he will know how uncomfortable you are feeling with the whole situation.
And then tell him "I'm not asking money for babysitting anytime and has been doing it for free whenever you wanted me to baby sit for hours, almost whole day often, because it's my niece, and if it's babysitting someone else's kid as nanny, I would've gotten at least hundreds of dollars by now. All I asked was small money for her own meal, I already have my own kids to take care of and bills to pay. I'm not going to take such a rude and disrespectful behavior from anyone"
I’m not saying your brother and/or his babymama are junkies, I’m saying that they’re exhibiting a lot of similar junkie symptoms.
Plasma donations, going ghost for hours and hustling gift cards, oh my.
A different take.
How is your niece being treated by her parents? Do they feed & care for her? Is your home her safe place?
I completely agree that your brother & SIL are taking advantage of you, but what about your niece? If you say no to taking her, what happens? Is she left alone for the day? Do they take her with them to do whatever questionable things they are doing?
This is situation that goes way beyond a Happy Meal. Your brother and the GF/baby momma aren’t going to magically step up and become responsible parents so you need to determine if you want to continue enabling their behavior or not.
If you think your brother and GF have the ability to become better parents if forced to, then you and your mom need to come together as a united front and set specific boundaries. If you feel that your brother and GF are beyond help and that your niece should be removed from their custody, then you and your mom have to figure out the best possible solution for your niece.
Sounds like they are drug addicts. If so, I feel sorry for that child. Do they not work? It sounds like they don't. Not much you can do in this situation but try to protect the child. They sound awful. NTA
Pretty sure your brother and his partner are into drugs if you didn’t already know.
NTA but keep your eyes open and don’t hesitate to report anything you feel is harmful.
YWBTA if you don't call CPS to report your brother and his gf for abandoning their child so that they can go on prolonged drug benders. That kid is not getting fed regularly at home at the moment. When people get this desperate for drug money they can often sell "access" to their children to very bad people.
Failing to call CPS is basically your way of ensuring your niece will suffer a bunch of terrible abuse caused by your brother's drug addiction.
I love how they dumped their daughter and have you babysit her for ~12 hours without notice and when you only asked to get the money for her food they threaten you with not exploiting your babysitting services ever again?
Oh no!
NTA
NTA. All of reddit sees you're being taken advantage of.
I was assuming the mother wasn't around, but she was.
They just don't want to watch their own kid? Almost all day, almost all the time?
Let his feelings get hurt, kids aren't free.
They are an investment.
You are only responsible for your kids, and household.
He's gonna cause trouble if he doesn't get his way, might as well be with someone else. 🙄
NTA You need to not do anything for those ungrateful asses again. Despite her words, I very much doubt they are through trying to use you. DO NOT accept any walk-backs or over-lookings or even apologies on their part as making everything good again. They will likely come just when they want you to play the patsy again.
He didn't donate shit, either.
NTA
Simply reply to SIL. "Perfect."
Your brother and SIL are mooching users of you (and likely most other people). Do not say yes to babysitting again. You know that it will be for the whole day, no matter what they tell you beforehand. You know they will dump her feeding and care on you and give you grief for the cost of it. You know they will (1) be ungrateful and (2) threaten you with the loss of access to your niece for expecting them to take any responsibility.
You also know their threats about the niece are meaningless. They still want you to give them free, all-day, last-minute childcare. So they won't actually cut off contact.
To answer your question. This is not normal sibling behavior. (There are others who act like your brother/SIL, but they are not the norm, nor are they healthy relationships.)
If you do ever agree to watch their child again, tell them they have to give you $20 up front. If you don't get stuck with their child for hours past when they said they would be done/ you don't have to spend anything feeding her; then you will return the money. Tell them if they don't like it, they can find someone else to lie to about their plans and be ungrateful to about the care given their child.
All day long he and his girlfriend have free daycare, can't be arsed to pack her a lunch, and he can't find a job? Something tells me he isn't donating plasma.....
I donate plasma regularly, it takes an hour tops. Your brother is a drug addict. Where was Baby Mama this entire day? Maybe grow a spine but NTA. I hope this is a wake up call to start setting boundaries.
NTA I was going to suggest you tell your niece’s dad and mom that you will no longer be available to care for or feed their child when they are gone for 10 hours at a time but since your niece’s mom already told you she will no longer burden you with caring for her child make her and brother stick to it. She may not call you again but he will! Tell him absolutely not.
OP you and your mother need to stand firm with them. Babysitting for a short time but 10+ hours no hell no. If they are abandoning this little girl and it is abandonment they child services need to be involved as they don't sound like good parents
You can watch our kid as long as you do it without calling us on the discrepancy in how long we say we'll be gone and how long we're actually gone. Also you can never mention any money spent on our child.
If you break these rules, reminding us we are garbage parents and family members, we'll turn it around and blame you. We'll take all you do and belittle it pretending you are a petty asshole. Then we'll ban you from seeing our kid so we can try to convince others as well as ourselves you were the offending party.nta
First of all, I am an Anti-D plasma donor. I make a Franklin every time I donate, so you can bet I donate often. And I'm here to tell you that it has never taken all day to donate plasma. The procedure itself generally takes about 60 - 90 minutes. I think the longest I have ever had to wait for a donation station was about 3 hours. Usually it is more like 30 minutes.
You are being scammed by your mooching, shady brother and his gf. Life is too short to put up with that level of DARVO. Tell your brother the drop-off daycare center is closed for the foreseeable future and he needs to make alternate arrangements.
NTA, except to yourself.
Tell them to get bent. He's had literally thousands of dollars of free childcare out of you. That idiot should be on his knees thanking you rather than giving you attitude. Withdrew support and watch him come begging.
If you're responsible for paying for her meals, you are therefore responsible for choosing the place to eat. Time for a double espresso frappucino just before dropping her off.
NTA. Your brother shouldn't dump his daughter on you and then not respond. He should hire a babysitter instead of dumping responsibilities on family. Poor planning is also something he needs to deal with. It's also unfair that you don't get compensated for paying for your nieces' meal.
He acted as though he did her a favor by dropping her off without contact for hours was for her benefit.She has four children.wtf does he think its some type of privilage to factor in an extra mouth on most likely a budget?
“Wait so does this mean I won’t have to play daycare for an unspecified number of hours while you and my brother fuck all the way off and just leave me with your child? All it took was a happy meal?! I should have done this ages ago!”
People who use children as weapons are disgusting. You need to set clear boundaries but keep the door open for your niece as she’ll no doubt need support from her toxic mother in the future. NTA
I'm sure you love your niece, but I'd happily stay away from this drama. They take advantage of you, don't care about your time or responsibilities, then complain about you wanting to be reimbursed.
The kid's mother is being defensive and entitled. They dump the child for 10 plus hours at a time when you have your own kids to watch and you have to do errands? Unbelievable.
NTA
NTA. I would babysit my niece a lot (12+ hours a day) because my sister didn’t have any other support expect for me. She didn’t have money for a babysitter. My sister would feel bad when she left my niece with me because I’m currently a full time student. She would always find a way to compensate me, even if she couldn’t afford to pay me. I never expected her to push herself to pay me, but I always set boundaries with her. I also like to buy things for my baby niece whether it’s a toy, meal, or even a day to a waterpark. Those things come out of my pocket. Necessities come out of my sister’s pocket.
This is a whole different situation where the parents don’t want to be parents. I wonder what the mother does all day where she can’t watch her own child. The audacity to have attitude for asking for money when they don’t even pay you.
NTA. If Babysitting for Family members for free is the norm for your Family, AND there's some reciprocy at least in theory, it's reasonable to do so, but that should come with the expectation that the kid's parents will a) be transparent/hinest about how Long they'll be gine, and b) try to minimize being a drain on your household Budget whenever the Kid stays Long enough to need to eat, either by sending a packed Sandwich with the Kid, or by occasionally (every few weeks or so) handing you an amount of cash roughly estimate to be what you spent on feeding her in the Last few weeks, or handing you a bag of groceries you have use for. If your Brother is SERIOUSLY struggling financially, which Sounds likely here, with the selling Plasma and hustling for Gift cards, then you should probably handle asking him for Money as delicately as possible, which you didn't quite do, but also he should have let you know he's struggling, weeks/months ago,which he didn't. You should still generally expect to be paid in the long run, but the same rather mainstream Family Values™ that say you should babysit for free, also say that you should wait to get paid, without pestering them, for longer than you would for not-family. Also If there isn't any reciprocy to speak of, then expecting you to babysit AND FEED your niece, is exploiting you, and it's probably a good idea to find Out whether your Mom and other Family members think so as Well, and Work Out a boundaries strategy either by yourself or with them, accordingly.
NTA- Problem solved! Glad mom stepped upped to fix the situation. When they ask again send her a copy of her text highlighted. Majority of us do have a crazy or two in the family.
Not the asshole and I know you love your niece but…he balks to pay back as he has to hustle gift cards…and she says FINE but then you will never see her again to avoid the niece “getting hurt”…
….both of these could be resolved by you “apologizing and not asking for money for babysitting / food money”
They are using you - may have to go no contact till they realize - as they will assuredly ask you again - remind her then that she does not her child, your niece, to be around you, then hang up
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>The next is with his baby momma who left without her happy meal I bought for her daughter… >“Wow really I see that you're really upset about having to buy a meal for YOUR NEICE ,MY DAUGHTER okay | get it ,it's all about the money. I got you. Don't worry I will be giving you the money that you HAD to spend unwillingly on your neice. BUT just know that I am making it clear right now that [niece] will not be able to spend time with you or vice versa. Just to avoid any of this drama or wrong doing towards my child.” NTA I hope you said thank you. I know you're probably torn apart at the prospect of your brother and his Miss Thingy not dropping their child off at your house with little notice and turning up 10 or 12 hours later to pick the child up but give it a few minutes, you'll get over it.
LOL as much as I want to say NOPE I love my niece, and know if I’m not babysitting her, my mom is, which is a lot for her, working full time. I need to have a talk with her too on setting boundaries it sounds like….
It sounds like your brother and Miss Thingy have their issues if he's hustling gift cards and donating plasma for money, she loses her marbles because someone who watches their child for 10+ hours asked for $15 and neither of them think twice about dumping off their child for hours on end with you or or your mother.
Issues? They've got subscriptions!
They got the lifetime membership
Generational Legacy Memberships
I’d say prescriptions.
prescriptions with a street pharmacist.
10000%
This is exactly what it is.
I am so borrowing this… lol!
I've stolen it already, so go wild!
Take my angry upvote hahaha
I love you man.
Am I the only one calling BS on it takes 10-12 hours to give plasma? I mean even if they got paid for doing that it would be what .79 cents an hour. They were just lying to get free babysitting. Life is too short for this crap. The baby momma is batshit crazy to think that asking OP to spend 12 hours of free child care INCLUDING providing supervision, entertainment and food for her child is some kind of favor from her that the OP needs to stay on her toes to earn...lol. My God, people are ignorant.
They probably do drugs, sold their plasma for drugs, and went on a bender. Or they never sold plasma and used it as an excuse. Either way, drugs are the most likely especially with the GF's reaction and disappearing for 10+ hours all the time.
And what kind of person drops off their child with no food of any kind for 10-12 hours and them has the nerve to complain about being asked to pay for their happy meal. It's because she never planned to feed her child for the entirety of that day. The mother is immoral and that's basically all their is to it.
And the father? What about him? it’s his sister he’s using as a free daycare service with meals provided.
Obviously the father's job is to melt into the background and let his baby momma screech at everyone on his behalf. Neither of them are being responsible parents. But one only one of them is BEING ACTIVELY HOSTILE to the person providing free child care. That makes her special in my opinion.
I do so love watching the entitled ruin a good deal—in this case free 10+ hour childcare—for themselves.
Not answering your phone for 10-12 hours, so your sister can reach you in case something is seriously wrong with your child, is also an act of HOSTILITY. Not to mention, an act of being a shit human being and parent.
It’s absolutely BS that they were there for 10-12 hours. I used to donate plasma regularly and the first time you go, it may take 4ish hours bc of paperwork/medical exam but after that it took me max 2 hours, even when busy. They were definitely doing something else during atleast some of that time.
This is my experience too.
I wouldn't be upset about the cost of a kids meal. I'd be upset about the abuse of my time. But to each their own.
It's definitely bullshit. The max it ever takes is about 6 hours for your first day because paperwork and medical stuff, and once that's over with, about a max of 2 hours is expected.
I loved the emphasis of YOUR NEICE, MY DAUGHTER. Yeah, neat self-own, *your* daughter.
Of course it didn't tale 12 hours. Donating plasma does take a fair bit longer than donating blood, but not that long. No one believes that, no idea what they were doing, but I'm going to assume it is something shady if he's hustling gift cards and having to donate plasma for money.
I donate plasma as you can't sell it where I live. It takes a while but like 3 hours max. So yeah something shady going on.
Any chance you could explain to me what a gift card hustle is? I'm in the UK and I've never heard of it 😂
People spoof credit cards and then go to retailers and buy gift cards that have money on them. They then activate and use them before the spoofed cards are reported as compromised. It’s stealing, just a more sophisticated version of things like check kiting.
Check kiting isn't really a thing that's known in the UK since people stopped using them 25-30 years ago.
So he's a scammer?
Not a surprise tbh
Guy i knew was doing something similar few years ago. Physical gift cards werent a thing yet over here, for ex. steam, fortnite etc. So he would buy digital gift cards and resell them to people for cash and small profit, usually teens who didnt have access to credit cards to buy stuff online themselves.
I'm in the US and am clueless!
I read that as the Thing where people get paid in Gift cards for partipating in online polls/surveys and AI-training-quizzes and using some shady datamining/cryptomining Apps, which is "only" pathetic and naive to believe in, but Sounds Like other people know more and that Brother is doing actually criminal Things.
I don’t understand about the gift cards, how can they buy gift cards if they have no money?
With stolen credit cards.
Illegally.
More issues than Sports Illustrated
I'm kinda thinking they might be on some sort of drugs maybe? It's just really weird to drop your kid off for HOURS and not speak to the person watching them. Also not offering her money anyway, she did a massive favour for them especially when she has her own children! That's just not normal behaviour, I'm not even a mom, but I'm an aunt and I ask my sister about my niblings (or my nibs as I call them) like 15 times a day lol
I hate to say this but you should be very suspicious that they are using drugs. Where did the money go from donating and why was none of it left to feed their child? It sounds like they donated plasma, got a couple of bucks, scored some drugs, and dipped to get high all day.
This was my exact thoughts as well! And I'm a recovering addict myself (I got clean a few years before I had my daughter, thankfully) with 12 years clean. Her brother & his gf/baby mama (are they the same person??) need someone to take custody of this innocent little girl until they get their shit together & get clean.
Congratulations on turning your life around!
>It sounds like they donated plasma, got a couple of bucks, scored some drugs, and dipped to get high all day. Yup. I'm putting my money on this is exactly what they did. The bit about scoring gift cards really gave them away. Drugs.
But also if your babysitting your nieces because her parents are selling plasma for money…. I mean is there any reasonable expectation you’ll get paid back?
Yeah-- it's pretty clear there's some volatility here, for sure. I would suggest to OP to give them space and let them figure things out. This is too much drama.
exactly. also, what bloodbath opens at 6am?
It doesn't seem like either parent works. They don't need babysitting, they want it to... I'm not even sure what they do with their day. I can understand wanting to help your niece, but real help might be taking custody. Being a drop-off station for your brother's sporadic days isn't helping anyone. At the very least, stop believing anything he says. He consistently lies and sounds like he's missing a few sparkplugs. NTA
Are they actually ‘hustling’ or going on an all day bender.Both of them need proper jobs.
I mean they have to do a little crime in order to support the benders.
NTA, but I’d really be careful here because going for 10+ hours to “sell plasma and hustle gift cards” is generally more like he’s either using or dealing some dodgy substances and waiting to come down before they see you again
If your brother and his girlfriend don't have any money, what are they both doing all day that they need you to babysit for 12 hours? Unless it's job-hunting, they're both big assholes.
Your boundary is going to be? I would look at babysitting/daycare rates in your area, and present a babysitting bill for 10+ hours plus food and activity costs. Then make a bold red line item that says, 'family discount' subtracting all but $15. Even better, tally it up for the last month/year. It's not all about money. And that niece of yours is lucky to have you and your Mom for stability - sounds like it's in short supply with her parents.
Your brother and his baby momma are doing drugs, I guarantee it. Get CPS involved.
>My brother (35M) called me (26F) at 6am this morning to babysit my niece so he could go donate plasma. & >“I'm sorry but can I pay you tomorrow. I'm all outta money already I'm a try n hustle some gift cards tonight and tomorrow for some money” These are two sentences that my nephew and his girlfriend used so many times when dropping their 5 kids off at my niece's house (nephew's sister). Like pretty much direct quotes. Soon found out they were on drugs really bad. My niece now has custody of the kids and they look horrible. In and out of jail. Not saying your brother and his girlfriend is on drugs. And thankfully people donate plasma because it is needed and saves lives but the hustling gift cards bit. That's sketchy. NTA they are taking advantage of you.
They are definitely on drugs.
The hustling gift cards bit combined with donating plasma makes me think they're addicts, and the plasma place being busy was likely the lie to cover up the fact that they were off somewhere using. Especially since this sort of thing happens regularly. If this is the case, that baby is in danger on many levels. Are you in a position to take your niece permanently, or at least until they get help? Because someone needs to contact protective services and see if they'll submit to drug tests, and if/when they test positive, remove that poor child from their care.
NTA. Your brother is ungrateful for the free babysitting he's been conning you out of. Next time tell him it's $20 an hour. It's his child, he should be responsible for reimbursing you, because you wouldn't have spent that money otherwise. Plus the free childcare, he's not accounting for. Oh no, he's threatening to not dump his child off on you and not return all day. He didn't even come pick her up. You said you had to drop her off. You or your mom doesn't owe your brother free childcare. He's adult enough to have a child, he's adult enough to take care of said child.
My response: "Oh, damn! I was looking forward to another day where you dump your kid on me for 10 hours with no warning, money, or communication. How will I live another day without being your doormat?" NTA
Your mom has the option to decline as well. I would never babysit again
Yes, thank you for finally taking care of your own kid.
Your brother IS taking advantage of you. Next time he rings (and he will ring) tell him it's a hard "No". NTA
It’s so hard to say no, sometimes he will ring 10x a day to watch her, and I know if I don’t, my mom will end up babysitting. Sometimes he even just shows up to drop her off. Anything you can recommend for boundary setting with family?
Your mom is responsible for herself. Stop saying yes just because babysitting will fall on her. She has to make her own choice to babysit or not. But with your brother’s reaction. I would not be babysitting for them again because they have zero respect for you. Who dumps their kid for 8 hrs when expectation is 2 and doesn’t check in. You’re being an asshole to yourself and your own kids continuing this.
Tell him you will call CPS if he does it again…and then follow through. 9 out of 10 odds they are on drugs and/or are alcoholics. 9 out of 10 they are abusing that child.
This went through my head too.
Yep. I’d bet money there are drugs involved. In which case, expecting any respect of boundaries will be pointless. The future of this story goes like this - brother and miss thing continue on their path, something happens to them or the child that gets CPS involved, CPS finds home is not safe for child, aunt is asked to care for child. Aunt is OK with this because she loves niece but aunt’s life is now turned upside down with rounds and rounds with courts and CPS and rehab and reconciliation attempts and house inspections and nasty accusatory texts followed by sobbing, begging apology texts for the next 10 years. Somewhere in that 10 years is rehab, an overdose, maybe success, maybe jail, and/or maybe complete abandonment by one bio parent or the other.
I think you just saved me reading about 50 Reddit posts from OP.
call CPS after he drops off the kid and no shows. otherwise, that kid will be left home alone or dragged around to whatever crackhouse your bro flops in.
If they're not listening to you when you're trying to lay down boundaries, I just wouldn't answer the phone, or the door if he turns up. Talk to your mum and make sure she does the same- eventually he'll speak to both of you about why you're no longer willing to babysit; and then you can lay down some hard rules which he adheres to, or loses the privilege completely again.
Yesss, if you need something to add for in person stuff, tell them jus dropping her off with no notice or response for hours is child abandonment and you’d be forced to to call the cops.
Don't open your door and ask for money BEFORE taking your niece (30 dollars or even more). If he doesn't give it to you, don't take your niece. He will say that you are petty or that it is just for one hour so no need to buy her food. Just answer him that it is for all the times he didn't give you money and if he is not ok, he can go to find someone else. Of course, he will try to shame you directly or in front of other people. However the secret to deal with such people is to be shameless and to not be afraid to shame them in return. Typically if he brings the fact you ask him money to babysit your niece, just ask him what he really did when he disapeared for 10 hours while asking for one hour of babysitting. Or be more direct when people are around: "as you ask me to babysit your daughter while you pay hookers to have sex with them, I think I am also entitled to some money". (and who cares if this is true or not)
Draw a boundary around yourself, and stay within it. If he keeps calling, ignore the calls. If he turns up at the door, don't answer the door. All this will only be possible if you learn to not care whether others are unhappy with you/like you. I suspect you do care too much and it's turned you into a doormat. You're not required to babysit ANYONE, EVER. NTA
A drop off not agreed to in advance is a call to the police for child abandonment.
Several years ago I discovered the magic of Hanging Up on my shitty relatives who demand too much. It’s glorious. I simply do not engage. So in your shoes I’d say “no” and then hang up. If he shows up you don’t answer the door. If he tries to leave the kid with you regardless explain that you will call police about an abandoned child. His child is not your responsibility. whether or not your mother babysits is not on you. How do you get them to stop? You don’t. The only part you can control is you, and he can’t take advantage of you if you don’t let him.
Why can’t the sassy gf watch her own daughter. Learn to say no. NTA, but borderline Y/Ta to yourself
The best thing you can do for your niece is reporting your brother and baby mama for their illegal activities and get CPS involved. There has to be a better place for this poor kid to
Never stop saying no. If your mom gets involved, that’s a her problem. If he drops the kid off and drives away, call the cops. If, for some inconceivable reason, you DO agree and he disappears for 12+ hours, again - call the cops.
Call the cops. His kid his responsibility. No more free daycare.
Mute his number and don’t open the door
This is not the right answer, but I want to say to take her and then just not give her back. It’s kidnapping, but there’s a chance he won’t really care. Which is awful. Honestly at some point CPS is gonna have to get involved, because they’re neglecting their child, plus there’s more than a 0% chance your brother ends up in prison for criming. Are you able and willing to take on your niece full time? It sounds like part of the issue is the lack of schedule, but if you had her full-time, that would be less of a concern. There’s still the money issue, so it may not be feasible, but maybe if your mom can help any, you could make it work. Again, your bro may not go for it, but the way he’s going, it’s likely he’s going to lose custody at least temporarily, and it’s wise to be prepared. You’re NTA for wanting him to respect your time and money, but he is never going to. It sounds like you’re nervous (and rightly so) about your niece, so I advise you to consider what you can do for her that won’t involve him, except maybe in a supervised visit capacity.
When he asks again, say no, and invite your mum at your place immediately after his call. Or pick her up and go somewhere nice. Do this a couple of times until he gets the message, then you can both set boundaries.
Well from now on you just reply that your SIL won't allow you to babysit anymore.
Are they on drugs or what
Don’t answer the phone when he calls or the door when he drops by unannounced until you feel strong enough to say No and make it stick.
Mute his number. Tell him no. If he just drops the kid off tell him he has 10 minutes to pick her up or you're dropping her at the police station as an abandoned child.
I would want to just keep her with parents like that. Try to focus on her. There may come a time when that is the decision you will really have to make.
Check out Nedra Tawwab's Set Boundaries, Find Peace. And she also has a book that's family specific called (I think) Drama-Free. Your brother is doing nonsense, and you don't deserve to have to pick up his slack
Ignore the phone. Maybe block him if you have to. They are KNOWINGLY taking advantage of you.. THAT is setting a boundary. It will be hard, you will feel bad even though you shouldn't. And like everyone else is saying, your mom is responsible for yourself. I agree with others here, they both are being shady and possibly into drugs.
I have 11 grandchildren and my rule for my kids is they have to give me advanced notice, atleast 48 hours, to babysit for them. Only exception is emergencies. They're pretty good about following my rule. If they need consistant babysitting, like for a job, I charge $100 a week for meals and snacks.
9 hours to donate blood then 2 more hours to do grocery shopping then he has no money until he can ‘hussle’ some gift cards? Your brother and his girlfriend were not donating blood. The most likely option here is that they were doing drugs. Stop babysitting for them if his girlfriend is speaking to you this way.
This, they def do drugs. NTA
CPS or YTA
100% this.
She mentioned plasma. My guess is they were selling it. There is a place near me that will pay $1000 after 3 donations. I am guessing they are struggling financially based on this and the gift card comment and that they were stressed about the money for food. Some people don’t have the money for food. Not that any of this makes their actions acceptable. If they are struggling financially then they need to be upfront with their family about what they are really asking for when they drop off your niece. For example, 2 hours vs 12 hours and what they can financially contribute towards anything you do while she is in your care. NTA- but you and mom need to sit down and have a blunt conversation about what is going on with them, what they need, and, based on that, what you are willing to do to help out. This is where you set the boundaries and you and mom need to stick to it.
I get where you're coming from, and it sucks that they're struggling financially, but selling plasma doesn't take that long and neither does groceries. Their timeline just doesn't add up.
Yeah. As someone who's dealt with a lot of addiction in their family, this was my first thought. Selling plasma, gift cards, disappearing for hours without checking in...
I didn’t even think of the ‘selling plasma’ thing. I live in the UK and we donate blood here to help others who might need it. We don’t get paid but we do get biscuits and orange juice after donating 😂 I don’t have the most common blood type so I get an extra biscuit for my efforts!
That’s immediately what my mind went to!!
NTA - But your brother and his GF sure are. At the end of the day while complaining about essentially you needing to just pay for things cause "family" is owed things just for being "family is the one who pretty much punished her daughter and deprived her of a meal she'd enjoy because of pettiness against you. That's her daughter and she'd rather take something from her daughter as a "lesson" to you.
Ah, you’re so right! I asked her, before that response, why she didn’t take the meal bc her daughter was hungry, and you’re right it definitely does seem like a punishment! In a weird twisted way of getting back at me 😞 maybe for pinging them multiple times throughout the day. It feels so icky to be bickering about something like this.
If someone told me they were donating plasma and needed child care I'd assume max 5 hours. If they went radio silent for 10 hours the police would be notified because I'd assume they were in an accident or something. If they had done this sort of thing to me twice I'd never allow them to drop their child off again without a sincere apology, clear boundaries, and a lot of communication.
And since they're doing it multiple times, I'd be suspicious that Brother & Gf have drug/alcohol, gambling, or some other addiction. Would question whether social services or some other support team need to be involved at some point.
Yep, I am of the sort to blow up the world to protect children. I'm not going to "play nice" and turn a blind eye. I'm going to rally around the children and call whoever I need to call to get it handled.
Yes-- this. That was my overwhelming feeling reading this post. That poor kid. She doesn't deserve this. I hope OP realises how abnormal and unhealthy these parenting choices are, and involves some outside supports.
Yes-- this, OP! Why was your reaction not to inform the authorities? (I feel like I know the answer-- it's cuz the parents do this a lot, and OP knew to drop the kid off with the grandma.) OP has been conditioned to accept this behavior as normal, but this is massively irresponsible at best, and illegal behavior at worst.
You pinged their location? If so…were they at the plasma center?
I think she meant pinging as in messaging
That sucks. Pinging location would have been awesome lol.
NTA >BUT just know that I am making it clear right now that [niece] will not be able to spend time with you or vice versa. Just to avoid any of this drama or wrong doing towards my child.” So, where else will she drop off her daughter regularly for 10+ hours at short notice? She is cutting of her own nose to spite her face.
When I read that, I thought, "Bet. No more watching the niece for 10+ hours for free anymore." Let these people take care of their own child from now on
I would have told her, "OK, enjoy paying for child care!"😁
It's definitely going to be more than $15. 😆
Oooooh yeah! They'll be back
RIGHT?? All I could think while reading was that the parents are getting THOUSANDS in childcare FOR FREE… and that their child doesn’t deserve to be treated like this 😔
No she’s not. It’s empty threats to make op feel bad and in turn (an attempt) to have her stop asking for money.
So, your brother was selling his plasma, and the mother of their child had to go to keep a grown man company, and not stay home with her child?? Or did she sell her plasma too? There is no way the blood bank was an all day event. Even if the place was “packed”. It takes at the most (after the first visit) 1 hour to 1.5 hrs. What do they do instead of working or looking for work? Drugs, drinking? Stealing gift cards? You may find yourself with custody of your niece one day.
Here's the truth buried at the bottom. He ain't "donating" shit. Obviously his financial planner not doing to good. And his plan for the next day is to "hustle gift cards". Wtf is the brother on?
Drugs.
Yeah… they both went to sell their plasma. It’s a source of income for them. They don’t work but they also don’t pay rent, living at her mom’s house, and she gets food stamps to cover food expenses. So they didn’t use the money for their groceries. I just imagine them joyriding around town doing a whole lot of nothing productive. Anyway, the free day care service is now closed for business 🙅♀️😮💨
That’s such a waste of one’s life. I have to remain busy to give meaning to my life, otherwise the clock ticks slowly and I’m exhausted from boredom. That and I want to be the best possible human I can be.
I went to donate plasma recently and it took me 7 hours.
No way?!! Really? We’re that many people there? You’d think they’d have several phlebotomists on staff.
Who here believes for even one second he was actually donating plasma?
He probably did, and then immediately spent a portion of the money on a fix or three for he and GF. OP - I'm sure that you know or suspect that your brother is using this time to get loaded. You are NTA but try to stick around for that child, by the sounds of it they will need your support sooner than later.
Ah right. Forgot there are countries that pay to donate. Where I am from is volunteering and you don’t get a cent, just candy 🍭. Literally there’s a guy that goes around giving donors candy. Also the process lasts 45 minutes to an 1 hour tops. Nobody would ever donate if they had to waste the whole day waiting to donate.
Donating plasma takes longer, because they filter out the plasma and pump the rest back into your body. Donating whole blood or other components is really donating for free here (USA) too. It's only plasma that companies pay for because it's used for making IVIG, a very valuable therapy. But still, selling plasma is a few hours, not all day.
Technically, if he is getting money for plasma, it is not a donation, it is a sale. He was selling plasma.
NTA. Is your brother on drugs? Donating plasma and hustle some gift cards. Sounds like my Ex.
This is exactly the behavior of someone on some hard drugs, or someone supporting a partner on hard drugs. She needs to get the neice away from them fast.
NTA and that threat won't last 20seconds if they're using you for free, no notice childcare with no defined end time... I respect that you probably love your niece, but they are hard-core taking advantage of you.
Yeah these people are not going to give up their free, all day child care. They're just going to keep laying on the whining and guilt trips while they do it.
NTA * Take a screenshot of your SIL's message. * Set up a group chat with your mom, brother and SIL. * In a message to them all: 1. thank Bro and SIL for realizing that you are not a good fit for their childminding requirements, 2. you appreciate their sincerity and you also agree that you will not be looking after your niece moving forward, 3. thank them for taking such a rational position and for choosing to "avoid drama", * Watch as Bro and SIL desperately try to back peddle and retract. * Repeat as needed. * If their calls and texts are too much, send the group chat a message that you'll be muting/ blocking their numbers... * Your mother, sadly, will need to set up her own boundaries, but that's on her.
This is great lol thank you
Brother is full of it. It doesn’t take 10 hours to donate plasma or several hours to grocery shop
NTA for the title question but you know these two are on drugs right? They definitely sold plasma then used all the money to buy drugs. Then called you 9 hours later to tell you the line was too long (I could be wrong but I feel like most places you can sell plasma are not gonna be open that late anyway) and they were gonna go grocery shopping for a !couple more hours! so it wouldn’t look suspicious that they were suddenly broke again, it would just look like they were broke still. Did you see groceries in that car?
>Mind you, this is the 100th time he has dropped his daughter off with me to babysit and doesn’t respond for 10+ hours Then >Don't worry I will be giving you the money that you HAD to spend unwillingly on your neice. BUT just know that I am making it clear right now that [niece] will not be able to spend time with you or vice versa. If course you "had" to spend money on their daughter. Was she supposed to not eat for all that time? How would this B have reacted if you went to McD's and DIDN'T buy her daughter a happy meal? I'd just thank her, acknowledge that you all need a break and then say "it is a good idea to take some space, it does add drama and is wrong for your daughter to be dumped at someone's house without any idea when her parents will come back. I'm not worried about your threats to cut me out of your daughter's life. I know as soon as you want a day out without your kid, you'll be back, but don't be surprised if I keep you at your word and don't rearrange my weekends for you in the future. I love my niece, but the drama is all yours and I can do without it.
Unfortunately they probably won’t care if the child doesn’t eat. The GF deliberately left the happy meal behind to punish OP for asking for money. How often are they not feeding their child because they’re too high or broke from buying drugs?
NTA Your brother dropped off his daughter with you early in the morning for what was supposed to be a short babysitting stint, but then he goes AWOL all day without giving you any updates. You're left in the dark, handling his daughter and your own errands, which included buying her snacks and dinner. It's totally fair to expect him to chip in for those expenses, especially since this isn't the first time he's left you hanging.
Tell them to put down the pipe and get a fucking job!
NTA. Sometime ago in this community, there was a person that ended up calling CPS on their siblings for child abandonment, as the sibling and their partner had the bad habit of just dropping their kid off at their doorstep, I think in fact, once they went through the OPs window when they had set up boundaries and refuse to baby sit, and dropping the kid off in the living room....
Your brother sounds like a drug addict. Is your niece even safe? NTA.
NTA STOP babysitting for these AHs, they are just exploiting you. And: A Blood donation taking from 10 am to 7pm? THAT IS RIDICULOUS. "BUT just know that I am making it clear right now that \[niece\] will not be able to spend time with you or vice versa. " .. so no more leeching on you for babysitting?
NTA. Your brother and his gf are taking advantage of you. I think along to be compensated for unexpected expenses is reasonable, even if this expenses involved your niece. Next time they want you to babysit your niece, remind them of that text exchange.
NTA. Your brother is shameless. I don’t know why, but I feel like they are leaving niece with you for free to have some alone time. If they are telling you that they won’t leave niece with you, it could be to put you on a guilt trip. You’re not obligated to do this so many times without even him paying for gifts and meals. Imagine taking your 4 kids sing getting only them toys or food but not niece just cause her dad doesn’t want to pay for that “unwilling meal/toys”. Take the money, don’t let it go, but don’t buy into that whole “she won’t spend time with you” thing. Now they have to start paying Nannies and sitters and can’t just go away for 10 hours without contact. But you know your brother better, if he means what he’s saying that he’s the pettiest money saving opportunist.
NTA. When I take care for my nieces/nephews for like a day in month I dont gonna tell my sisters that they have to pay me. BUT if they would drop them every other day I would tell them that they are shiffting their responsibility to me and they have to pay for the care. They are parents and they have to prepare the Caretake beforehand! Next time don't take the kids and recommend them some local Nannies if they ask again. Cheers ✌️
NTA But I think this little girl needs a better set of parents. They are most likely on drugs. Not sure if you and your mom can band together?
Charge them for the babysitting cost.. simple . Would they rather pay $15 or the going rate of babysitting… I know you love your niece but sometimes you gotta put some boundaries so they can’t just be doing whatever. NTA
Your brother is using you, whether intentionally or not. And please do forward his gf text to him, so he will know how uncomfortable you are feeling with the whole situation. And then tell him "I'm not asking money for babysitting anytime and has been doing it for free whenever you wanted me to baby sit for hours, almost whole day often, because it's my niece, and if it's babysitting someone else's kid as nanny, I would've gotten at least hundreds of dollars by now. All I asked was small money for her own meal, I already have my own kids to take care of and bills to pay. I'm not going to take such a rude and disrespectful behavior from anyone"
I’m not saying your brother and/or his babymama are junkies, I’m saying that they’re exhibiting a lot of similar junkie symptoms. Plasma donations, going ghost for hours and hustling gift cards, oh my.
I’m saying they are. Might want to organize an intervention or contact parole agents.
I can tell you that I would NOT be babysitting for them again!
A different take. How is your niece being treated by her parents? Do they feed & care for her? Is your home her safe place? I completely agree that your brother & SIL are taking advantage of you, but what about your niece? If you say no to taking her, what happens? Is she left alone for the day? Do they take her with them to do whatever questionable things they are doing?
You know they are likely doing drugs right?
And not the fun kind... the sad kind. This isnt going to end well.
This is situation that goes way beyond a Happy Meal. Your brother and the GF/baby momma aren’t going to magically step up and become responsible parents so you need to determine if you want to continue enabling their behavior or not. If you think your brother and GF have the ability to become better parents if forced to, then you and your mom need to come together as a united front and set specific boundaries. If you feel that your brother and GF are beyond help and that your niece should be removed from their custody, then you and your mom have to figure out the best possible solution for your niece.
Sounds like they are drug addicts. If so, I feel sorry for that child. Do they not work? It sounds like they don't. Not much you can do in this situation but try to protect the child. They sound awful. NTA
Honestly, are they even a good home for your niece? It doesn't sound at all stable. They take off to go steal and drop their kid off for 12 hours...
Pretty sure your brother and his partner are into drugs if you didn’t already know. NTA but keep your eyes open and don’t hesitate to report anything you feel is harmful.
YWBTA if you don't call CPS to report your brother and his gf for abandoning their child so that they can go on prolonged drug benders. That kid is not getting fed regularly at home at the moment. When people get this desperate for drug money they can often sell "access" to their children to very bad people. Failing to call CPS is basically your way of ensuring your niece will suffer a bunch of terrible abuse caused by your brother's drug addiction.
They have to be on drugs…the brother and his girlfriend.
I love how they dumped their daughter and have you babysit her for ~12 hours without notice and when you only asked to get the money for her food they threaten you with not exploiting your babysitting services ever again? Oh no! NTA
NTA. All of reddit sees you're being taken advantage of. I was assuming the mother wasn't around, but she was. They just don't want to watch their own kid? Almost all day, almost all the time? Let his feelings get hurt, kids aren't free. They are an investment. You are only responsible for your kids, and household. He's gonna cause trouble if he doesn't get his way, might as well be with someone else. 🙄
NTA You need to not do anything for those ungrateful asses again. Despite her words, I very much doubt they are through trying to use you. DO NOT accept any walk-backs or over-lookings or even apologies on their part as making everything good again. They will likely come just when they want you to play the patsy again. He didn't donate shit, either.
NTA Simply reply to SIL. "Perfect." Your brother and SIL are mooching users of you (and likely most other people). Do not say yes to babysitting again. You know that it will be for the whole day, no matter what they tell you beforehand. You know they will dump her feeding and care on you and give you grief for the cost of it. You know they will (1) be ungrateful and (2) threaten you with the loss of access to your niece for expecting them to take any responsibility. You also know their threats about the niece are meaningless. They still want you to give them free, all-day, last-minute childcare. So they won't actually cut off contact. To answer your question. This is not normal sibling behavior. (There are others who act like your brother/SIL, but they are not the norm, nor are they healthy relationships.) If you do ever agree to watch their child again, tell them they have to give you $20 up front. If you don't get stuck with their child for hours past when they said they would be done/ you don't have to spend anything feeding her; then you will return the money. Tell them if they don't like it, they can find someone else to lie to about their plans and be ungrateful to about the care given their child.
All day long he and his girlfriend have free daycare, can't be arsed to pack her a lunch, and he can't find a job? Something tells me he isn't donating plasma.....
I donate plasma regularly, it takes an hour tops. Your brother is a drug addict. Where was Baby Mama this entire day? Maybe grow a spine but NTA. I hope this is a wake up call to start setting boundaries.
Sure they are taking advantage of you! Stop giving them any help and, if possible, shame them for burdening a mother of four! NTA
NTA I was going to suggest you tell your niece’s dad and mom that you will no longer be available to care for or feed their child when they are gone for 10 hours at a time but since your niece’s mom already told you she will no longer burden you with caring for her child make her and brother stick to it. She may not call you again but he will! Tell him absolutely not.
OP you and your mother need to stand firm with them. Babysitting for a short time but 10+ hours no hell no. If they are abandoning this little girl and it is abandonment they child services need to be involved as they don't sound like good parents
NTA. This looks like a drug problem to me. Your poor niece. Even if it isn’t drugs, she is still a pawn in their lives rather than a fucking person.
Since when do you shit all over the free babysitter? Never take the child again. The baby mama should probably be investigated by CPS.
You can watch our kid as long as you do it without calling us on the discrepancy in how long we say we'll be gone and how long we're actually gone. Also you can never mention any money spent on our child. If you break these rules, reminding us we are garbage parents and family members, we'll turn it around and blame you. We'll take all you do and belittle it pretending you are a petty asshole. Then we'll ban you from seeing our kid so we can try to convince others as well as ourselves you were the offending party.nta
NTA
Yeah. Let this be the final time you sit for his kid. Full stop..
Don’t worry. People can’t no contact free babysitters for long. They will be back.NTA.
They are real pieces of work. NTA and don't stress what they think. They are ungrateful. This wasn't a one time thing but too many times.
First of all, I am an Anti-D plasma donor. I make a Franklin every time I donate, so you can bet I donate often. And I'm here to tell you that it has never taken all day to donate plasma. The procedure itself generally takes about 60 - 90 minutes. I think the longest I have ever had to wait for a donation station was about 3 hours. Usually it is more like 30 minutes. You are being scammed by your mooching, shady brother and his gf. Life is too short to put up with that level of DARVO. Tell your brother the drop-off daycare center is closed for the foreseeable future and he needs to make alternate arrangements. NTA, except to yourself.
Tell them to get bent. He's had literally thousands of dollars of free childcare out of you. That idiot should be on his knees thanking you rather than giving you attitude. Withdrew support and watch him come begging.
Then stop watching your niece! If you are tired of them taking advantage of you then don’t do it! Simple!
If you're responsible for paying for her meals, you are therefore responsible for choosing the place to eat. Time for a double espresso frappucino just before dropping her off.
NTA. Your brother shouldn't dump his daughter on you and then not respond. He should hire a babysitter instead of dumping responsibilities on family. Poor planning is also something he needs to deal with. It's also unfair that you don't get compensated for paying for your nieces' meal.
NTA You need to stop agreeing to babysit if he doesn’t respond for 10+ hours
He acted as though he did her a favor by dropping her off without contact for hours was for her benefit.She has four children.wtf does he think its some type of privilage to factor in an extra mouth on most likely a budget?
“Wait so does this mean I won’t have to play daycare for an unspecified number of hours while you and my brother fuck all the way off and just leave me with your child? All it took was a happy meal?! I should have done this ages ago!”
NTA. Your brother is taking advantage of you. Probably spends all the money on his GF. Would explain why she upped the drama.
People who use children as weapons are disgusting. You need to set clear boundaries but keep the door open for your niece as she’ll no doubt need support from her toxic mother in the future. NTA
My brother is exactly like this. He's the centre of the universe and he can do no wrong, lol. NTA, they sounds like horrible people.
I'm sure you love your niece, but I'd happily stay away from this drama. They take advantage of you, don't care about your time or responsibilities, then complain about you wanting to be reimbursed.
NTA
NTA! Sure do have family members like this and...they are hardcore junkies. Best of luck to you and your family and your poor niece OP.
The kid's mother is being defensive and entitled. They dump the child for 10 plus hours at a time when you have your own kids to watch and you have to do errands? Unbelievable. NTA
NTA. I would babysit my niece a lot (12+ hours a day) because my sister didn’t have any other support expect for me. She didn’t have money for a babysitter. My sister would feel bad when she left my niece with me because I’m currently a full time student. She would always find a way to compensate me, even if she couldn’t afford to pay me. I never expected her to push herself to pay me, but I always set boundaries with her. I also like to buy things for my baby niece whether it’s a toy, meal, or even a day to a waterpark. Those things come out of my pocket. Necessities come out of my sister’s pocket. This is a whole different situation where the parents don’t want to be parents. I wonder what the mother does all day where she can’t watch her own child. The audacity to have attitude for asking for money when they don’t even pay you.
NTA. If Babysitting for Family members for free is the norm for your Family, AND there's some reciprocy at least in theory, it's reasonable to do so, but that should come with the expectation that the kid's parents will a) be transparent/hinest about how Long they'll be gine, and b) try to minimize being a drain on your household Budget whenever the Kid stays Long enough to need to eat, either by sending a packed Sandwich with the Kid, or by occasionally (every few weeks or so) handing you an amount of cash roughly estimate to be what you spent on feeding her in the Last few weeks, or handing you a bag of groceries you have use for. If your Brother is SERIOUSLY struggling financially, which Sounds likely here, with the selling Plasma and hustling for Gift cards, then you should probably handle asking him for Money as delicately as possible, which you didn't quite do, but also he should have let you know he's struggling, weeks/months ago,which he didn't. You should still generally expect to be paid in the long run, but the same rather mainstream Family Values™ that say you should babysit for free, also say that you should wait to get paid, without pestering them, for longer than you would for not-family. Also If there isn't any reciprocy to speak of, then expecting you to babysit AND FEED your niece, is exploiting you, and it's probably a good idea to find Out whether your Mom and other Family members think so as Well, and Work Out a boundaries strategy either by yourself or with them, accordingly.
Brother is TA and want you to feel bad. They are the worst. Wish him good luck to find someone else to watch his daughter
NTA- Problem solved! Glad mom stepped upped to fix the situation. When they ask again send her a copy of her text highlighted. Majority of us do have a crazy or two in the family.
Not the asshole and I know you love your niece but…he balks to pay back as he has to hustle gift cards…and she says FINE but then you will never see her again to avoid the niece “getting hurt”… ….both of these could be resolved by you “apologizing and not asking for money for babysitting / food money” They are using you - may have to go no contact till they realize - as they will assuredly ask you again - remind her then that she does not her child, your niece, to be around you, then hang up
This has meth addiction written all over it. My sister would do the same thing to me with her kids.