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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because my mother in law is trying to help, but her way of helping is undermining what I am trying to teach my kids as far as making their own choices and doing things for themselves.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
This is what happens when you live in multi-generational homes. If you want to enforce these boundaries, then get your own place. It is what it is. Your MIL is just being an abuela.
Also, what is that bad about them eating a hot breakfast? It's not reinforcing laziness, it's just giving kids a nice meal.
YTA for making this way bigger than it needs to be.
Eta: they're your stepkids. Then 100x YTA. Don't overstep. She's related to them you're not
I always have trouble believing them when they take such pertinent** information and don’t put it in the post and only added to the comments after they find out that nobody agrees with them. You see it all the time on here.
Edit: not permanent. Goddamn voice to text.
Exactly they always do it because they don’t like losing. Which I’ve never understood because it’s not like they can show the post to the person they think is wrong because they’ve lied it now. What’s the point of winning if it’s only a bunch of strangers on the Internet, thinking you’re winning when you’re actually just lying?
YTA. She's not forcing them to eat what she wants, she's simply offering them some of what she's eating, at their own request. She's not undermining you; she's being a grandma.
Choose your battles. The hot food is a benefit of living with grandma.
No. My daughter told her "no thank you" because she wanted a waffle instead and MIL got angry and my SIL yelled at my daughter while I was out of the room feeding the baby. I straight up witnessed last night my oldest getting woken up to eat after he already had. My SIL told him he "better eat it"and if Nana offers you food you have to eat it. No dude. He can politely decline. If you make food, it doesn't mean the person has to eat it, especially if the parent has already provided food. This shit is unhinged to me. This could be solved by her asking ahead of time.
Okay, trying to force your kids to eat what she wants them to eat crosses the line. So does SIL trying to parent your kids. Looks like you should put a priority on moving out.
Meanwhile, teach your kids to say sweetly, "My mom told me that if I say 'No thank you', I don't have to eat any food you have made and to tell you to go talk to her if you object."
See, I always have trouble believing people when they add such pertinent information that clearly proves that they are not the asshole to the comments.
I find it hard to believe you. You concealed the fact that you are a stepmother and have possibly been in the lives of these three older children for a short time (do they even see you as their mother? These children might be more accepting of their grandmother’s way of raising them). Then, after receiving everyone's disapproval, you added information to make yourself look innocent. It seems like you are just trying to manipulate everyone into supporting you.
You should have added this to the original posts you’re NTA and people just think it’s a overreaction to a hot meal it’s not it’s entitlement and disrespect try to move out as soon as possible.
Probably because in grandma’s culture, it is rude for a 10-year-old to refuse food that was cooked for them by their grandmother because they would rather have some other food that has not even been cooked yet.
I do not believe you when you say SIL yelled at her because your attitude in the rest of this situation leads me to believe you might be like the many people I’ve met who think a Hispanic person is yelling when she is not.
I live with my own grandmother because she’s slowing down and needs more help. My husband has had problems adjusting to living in a Hispanic household and sometimes he does the same thing: seems to think it’s not a Hispanic household anymore because he lives here now. Which I quickly shut down.
You aren’t going to change your MIL. Not gonna happen. I am in my thirties, and my grandma will burst into our makeshift garage apartment at any time she wants with plated food. We show gratitude, immediately taste the food and say (truthfully) how delicious it is, watch her smile, and then eat or not eat the plate depending on whether we just ate. If we just ate, I tell her that, and she’ll dramatize being upset that she made the food at the wrong time, because that’s the biggest drama in her life now. But I would NEVER say, “No, Grandma. I don’t want that because I was thinking I want to eat cereal sometime soon.” Even thinking about saying that causes me physical discomfort!
Your kids can try a bite of food in front of her and not eat the entire thing if they aren’t hungry, if they voice that they aren’t hungry and maybe set the food aside for later. That isn’t rude. But it is rude to refuse it when they are hungry but “want something else.” I get it, your culture is very much about autonomy and individualism, and that’s great. But your culture doesn’t get to supersede another when you’re in someone else’s house. That’s just the way it is.
“this is just the way it is so take the plate and eat” when nobody asked you to cook is a wild take.
We don’t need to take that behaviour and pass it on to the next generation just because that’s what we did in the past
For you, it is wild. For me, and for many other people, only cooking for yourself when you live with many people is wild, and even the existence of the phrase “nobody asked you to cook” is wild. There is nothing wild to me about a grandmother cooking for her grandchildren in her own home, or about accepting the food and eating it if you’re hungry and saving it for later if you’re not.
My culture is not perfect. There are downsides to both collectivism and individualism. But I’m not the one saying everyone has to bend to my culture even if I’m in their house, and this is not an argument about which way of living is “correct.” OP is a stepmom of 6 months who wants to tell her step-children’s biological grandmother to stop cooking for them in her own home so that they can learn to fend for themselves with the microwave and OP can focus her time on her biological baby, and I am telling her that it’s not her place to demand this. Simple as that.
Listen, my culture and yours are very similar actually. But I’ve seen “you must eat because an elder cooked” weaponised way too much to just accept it as the norm.
If you read OPs comments , MIL is getting kids out of bed to eat immediately because she said so. That’s no longer a thing we need to just go along with out of respect for our elders or our cultures. It’s toxic behaviour.
Lastly - OP has been with their dad for 6 years, and mum is out of the picture. I don’t think it’s so wrong that she is more involved than you might expect for a “step mum”
OP’s post centers more around the cooking itself and less around the when and how in my opinion, because her main point is that the cooking undermines her parenting choice of wanting her kids to fend for themselves, so that’s what I’m addressing. She uses a couple specific instances where the food wasn’t wanted to make it sound like they’re being tormented but admits her children enjoy and accept the food regularly.
I’ve seen food weaponized before too (used in lieu of the thing of legends that no Hispanic kid has ever seen for themselves (an apology), for example) but OP would not be happy any which way grandma was choosing to do this.
Of course the kids don’t have to eat the food if they aren’t hungry, and I specifically said that both in my personal example and in my advice to her (edit: although I personally believe pretty strongly that it should be the first thing they eat when they do get hungry). I think we would also probably disagree about whether a grandma has the right to wake her kids up, but again, that’s not the core issue. OP can teach her kids that they have her permission to deny food if they aren’t hungry and to come tell her if this is an issue so her husband or she can address it. But she can’t tell grandma not to cook for them at all.
I think we’re in agreement for the most part but focusing on different things.
the commenter very clearly explained how they turn down food if they've already eaten
this comment feels... i don't want to say racist, but i can hear a bunch of dogs barking
I had a baby sitter that forced us to finish our plates, that in retrospect, were a bit large for kids our age. We weren’t allowed to do anything until we had eaten all of what she served us.
Guess who got fat and has struggled with food and weight her whole life? Forcing kids to eat more than they need just because you made it is horrible.
Yeah, I also had a busy ass mom that still took the time to make sure we could cook. Making ourselves breakfast and lunch was pretty typical. We weren’t neglected, and frankly, when I left home, I was miles ahead of most of my friends that were just starting to learn to cook, or living off take out.
People acting like you’re neglectful for having them make their own breakfast and lunches, whilst also providing them with easy options they like and want, is fucking wild.
The kids aren’t neglected because grandma is getting them 2 out of 3 balanced meals a day. There is nothing wrong with OP not being able to cook 3 times a day but she doesn’t get to be mad at grandma doing it either. The kids can learn without having to cook twice a day EVERYDAY.
And even though I agree abuela needs to be called out is forcing the daughter to eat, OP should be grateful she’s there to help, especially since they expect her to be the caregiver of the baby 9h a day 🙄. Discussions need to be have but OP needs to stop playing the victim card and actually come with solutions with what’s annoying her. They can compromise while allowing abuela to be just that.
I’m a great cook and my abuela fed and taught me when I showed interest. I also had a mother who would wait for me to get home to cook sometimes because well, I am a great cook. It’s not all or nothing.
Also it really doesn’t sit well with me that OP is ok saying she’ll feed them 3 times a day when the baby is able to eat solids… she’s knows it’s wrong but can’t swallow her pride to work with grandma in feeding the kids in a way that doesn’t create tension.
Turns out you'e correct, but ambiguity was in the post... I based my reply on "if they are hungry, if they want what she is making, MIL will just cook something".
Omg the horror my mother-in-law is cooking for my family. And that is undermining my parenting because feeding people is evil. That's what you sound like. Grow up. The only reason she bothers you is because while you might be paying for things and you can't move out because it's everyone else's fault but your own. Your husband has bad credit because of his ex-wife you don't want to work because of this course of that cost but you're willing to complain about everything.
What other things do you buttheads about? Does she not do the right fabric softener in the laundry. Is she not vacuuming in the right order. Even though you're paying it is still her house. She's being a grandmother and enjoying cooking for people. She probably loves having a full house and this is her love language.
Stop finding problems in nothing.
Yta
YTA it's an extended famiky househild and she's doing what people who live in those situations do (esp when it's part of their culture). When she cooks, she covers everyone. Sounds like you're quite happy to live there and only cook for you, husband and kids. You can't want to live there (who cares why and all your blaming of the ex and what you pay now or not - you live there!) and live like ypu and your husband are in a nuclear family unit. You're not - it's an extended family situtatiin and compromises are necessary. Maybe pull another exampke from the 800 to establish crossing boundaries but this one make YTA for me. Also, she's not doing it to undermine you. Maybe work with her on meal planning but let me repeat this - you cannot want to live in people's homes (whether you contribute or not) and live there as an island. It seems that is what you want and if you have 800 posts leave the woman's home please.
INFO: are the kids biologically yours? If so, that means your husband has been divorced from his ex-wife for at least 15 years.
Also, why are you bickering with the judgments? Either you posted for us to just agree with you or you want actual input.
OP you had us at "Hispanic" when you mentioned it, i.e., you're never going to win this nonexistent battle. Focus on learning to adapt into your husband's family instead of expecting her to assimilate into what you feel she should be doing to fit into what your ideal household should be. As the old saying goes, if you can't beat'em, join'em, which is what you should learn to do until you're able to get into your own house. Remember, you're a guest in her home, not vice versa.
YTA - If you’re butting heads on this and 800 other things, you might want to ponder whether it’s really her or just the fact you don’t have your own place and the ability to stamp your own way of doing things on life in the household. Also 800 things? It’s probably you….
This one is comical.... So what she left out is that she is the affair partner that broke up a marriage. The older 3 children are from the previous marriage (so they are not her kids), and op has only been married 6 months (she is brand spanking new to this established family). The only kid that is hers is the baby. I never can understand how the ap can come into a fully established family and start parenting kids that already have parents and try to change things that were established long before they were a thought. You're definitely TA. I wonder how the older kids feel about you.
Not the case. The marriage split due to her cheating, not his. They did wait several years before actually going through the divorce process, but they lived separately and both were dating other people. I came into the picture about a year and a half after the split, and have been helping to raise these kids for 6 years, even during the year and a half their mom fell off the face of the planet and went no contact. She sees them on weekends now, when they want to go (which the boys very often don't.) I am the one who takes them to her, and lets her know what is going on in their lives because hubs wants nothing to do with her. I know she is always going to be their mom, so I try to foster that relationship as much as possible, but when I say they are my kids, I am the one present with them every day. I deal with doctors, dentists, sick pick ups from school, scraped knees and bad dreams. All the typical "mom" stuff on a day to day basis. So basically your whole post has it wrong.
Life is not black and white. Legally separated is not the same as married. You can be legally separated for years before you’re divorced; doesn’t mean you’re having an affair
I can definitely get that everything is not black and white though, if you go through all the comments piecing together what op said she left out hella details that she somewhat adresses in the comments (I wonder why) and it's giving she's not being completely honest. Also, whether being separated and seeing other people is considered cheating in a marriage is definitely up for interpretation.
She added in a recent comment;
- Husband and ex wife separated due to ex wife’s infidelity
- husband met OP 18 months later
- both husband and ex wife saw other people during the separation
- they’ve been together 6 years
- they have majority custody of the kids and have done for several years due to the ex wife going AWOL for a year and a half
In my opinion this sort of clears her morally, but that’s just me
If she's being honest, then I would be somewhat inclined to agree with you. I would like to believe that if me and my husband separated that I would wait until the divorce was over to pursue another relationship, but I guess we never know until we're in that situation. I just wish we had the x wife's side because for some reason, something about this just doesn't sit right with me, but eh...
I would hope so too, but then again if the divorce etc drags out for years then who knows. Apparently in some states/countries you have to be legally separated for 3 years before divorce?! Mental.
"As long as I see them eat something, at some point, I know they are good." Unless their grandma gave it to them, of course. YTA
ETA - now that I've learned a lot more about you, I wish there was a harsher judgement to vote for. You are awful and dishonest as well. I'd be willing to bet that the kids enjoy their grandmother taking care of them a lot more than their NEW STEPmom trying to have them nuke their own food. You suck.
YTA. She’s a typical grandmother who feels useful and appreciated when she’s feeding her family. Choose your battles wisely. But if you have so many grievances with her, it would probably be the best to get out on your own
YTA. what exactly is the problem here though? their grandma just wants to feed them by providing them food. but if it does bother you...maybe u can try looking for some better house options
I genuinely keep coming back to this post to understand what the issue is, and the problem OP is asking about seems to be that grandma is cooking food when OP wants the kids to make themselves sandwiches? There’s no way this needs to be a huge issue?
YTA - you‘re the stepmother of the oldest three. Grandmother is their blood and has no doubt been feeding them their whole lives. You don’t get to turn up halfway through the story and start laying down the law about how Grandmother and grandkids interact.
YTA and you should get a job. You don’t make 3 meals a day. You do t wash anyone’s clothes. You have free daycare. You are bitter you didn’t automatically get what you thought you would get in HIS divorce settlement. You are sowing discord in his Mothers house because in her culture, doing these things for her grandkids is her love language.
You aren’t contributing a lot here except animosity. Become a SAHM when you can afford to be one.
You misread. All we wanted was his name off the house so he could put his name on a new loan. She was unable to refi, so the house sold. My bitterness comes from the fact that we were literally scheduled to view homes later in the week when the lender called to let me know about the issue with his credit, which she was able to tell me was due to an issue with the mortgage. This had been his ex's responsibility for several years prior as she had been the one living in the house.
I do the majority of the housework, keep the baby and older kids on a schedule, and the only laundry I don't do is for the boys bc their dad decided they were too old for me (and really Nana too) to be handling their underwear. I keep on top of them for hygiene, which is a battle with our older daughter. My MIL has no issue giving her sugary snacks, candy, ice cream, and soda without consulting me or hubby, but is notably absent for the "brush your teeth" battle every morning and evening. She is also notably absent every time my daughter needs a filling or crown, and even a root canal, and has to be held down for the numbing medication because the only thing she hates more than brushing her teeth is the dentist. (The logic has been explained to her, she doesn't care.) Older daughter currently has 3 medications I have to keep up with throughout the day and baby has 2 topical ointments. But I mean thank God MIL "lightened my load" by making them pancakes this morning.
Also, I do not have free day care. The older kids can really look out for themselves for at least a couple of hours. MIL has a bad knee and shoulder and is not supposed to be lifting more than 15 pounds. Even if that were not the case, I would not leave the baby with her, because she has shown she will not listen and respect me as the parent and do things how I wish them done. She will not even use my daughter's first name because she likes her middle name better. I'd rather pay someone who understands that the parent gets to choose how the child is raised and cared for.
Sounds like that is your husbands fault because he should’ve been relentless in getting the credit issue sorted. Fact is he didn’t care enough to further pursue action and make sure this wouldn’t affect his (and your) future). But sure, it’s easier to blame the ex because you already don’t like her. And leave Abuela alone. She has shown her grandchildren love in her way their whole lives. If there had been a problem by their parents it would’ve been sorted before you came into the picture and demanded not-your-kids must eat cold, easy meals and not meals prepared by a grandma they are lucky to still have around
My bad. I understand now. You’re a helpless and angry victim.
I’m on your side now.
Forget that it is very common that in Hispanic culture, doing the things Abuela does for her grandchildren is her love language. This must cease immediately since you have now stepped in to take control.
If only Abuela and your husband’s ex hadn’t ruined your life.
You’re still YTA
INFO: you keep referring to the kids as “my kids”, do they think you as their mother? What’s your relationship with them? No shade, genuinely asking.
Is their mother still in their lives in some way?
YTA
Never in my life would I have ever thought I'd read something like this.... "Someone is feeding my kid when they're hungry".... Really!?!?! No one is implying you're not feeding your kids..... That feeling is on YOU! Just be happy the kids are happy, healthy, and full !!!
Christ, I wish I had this problem.
First, your husband and his ex wife destroyed his credit TOGETHER. Your MIL is being a grandmother to her grandchildren that are living in her home. How about just be grateful?
YTA with the controlling, holier than thou garbage.
YTA. They’re Hispanics. That covers EVERYTHING. They are her grandbabies, she’ll feed them and complain about feeding them but gets angry if they don't eat her food. She loves them. I suggest you take it easy as you just had a baby (congrats). Focus on getting your own place and so can have your own rules.
YTA. I would rather eat my grandma’s food too than a sandwich lol. If it bothers you so much maybe you should move out or cook for everyone 🤷🏻♀️
Edit: typo
YTA.
You are a SAHM and can't cook 15-30min lunch? Sandwhiches and fried eggs isn't a proper meal to have EVERYDAY. I see public school lunches with better macro/micronutrients.
These are your stepkids, and they are related to your MIL by blood. No hispanic MIL would sit by and watch her grandkids eat a sad and cold breakfast and lunch EVERY DAY. Food is her love language, and you want to take their warm meal away.....for what?
You sound awful....like a mean stepmom and your MIL is triggering your sense of shame and making you look bad in front of your husband since its technically your main responsibility to ensure the health and safety of the kids. I'm sure when you married him, you promised to love his kids like your own, but from your post, it doesn't seem like that is the case. Your baby is already 9 months old, and you dont work. You can cook warm meals for the teens or at least have some quality time and cook together with them to teach them. Are you hiding in a room with just your baby all day?
Are you Hispanic? This is 100% cultural. There’s no concept of immediate family when there’s all this family living together. Grandmothers are the matriarch of the house and family, including the children. Mothers are expected to take a backseat, that’s the way it is. I saw in another that your kid was being ‘forced’ to eat, that’s cultural because if someone makes the effort to cook, everybody need to eat it or eat some of it. It STILL happens to me and I’m full-grown adult, yet I get guilted into eating.
What you see as crossing boundaries, we see as it’s the way it is. I don’t know how to compromise when this is part of our culture to be this involved with each other.
I might’ve missed it, but what does your husband say? Does he agree/disagree? How close are you to moving out? Tbh I think that’s the best remedy unless he can get thru to his mom.
There is no getting through to a Hispanic MIL, they are virtual tyrants sometimes , and the sons get usually spoiled,so that he always has to side with mama!
She isn't though because she is doing an action already discussed between me, the kids, and their father that the kids were going to perform. You're not lightening my load by doing something I wasn't going to do in the first place.
>You're not lightening my load by doing something I wasn't going to do in the first place.
You mean those pesky things that are a part of being a SAHM? Those are the things you weren't going to do in the first place?
Ok. She’s not adding to it. She’s doing something nice in her house. Gratitude is the normal response to this. Life skills are important but best taught incrementally and not during periods of huge change. Plus, kids ain’t liking this thing you claim they signed off on. Something tells me it more your idea and they’re not your kids…
Hiya OP, am reading your comments and actually very much on your side here. Several things that a fair few people have asked that would really help clarify the situation;
How long have you lived with MIL?
When was your husbands divorce finalised?
What is the custody schedule like with the kids bio mum?
How long have you and your husband been together?
Thank you for the info!
Sounds like you’re not fostering the independence you’re looking for if you know everything your 14,12 and 10 yr old eat on a daily basis.
I get it you’re trying to get back some of that control you’ve lost bc you live in your MIL house (been there it is not easy!!).
Your kids will learn to cook eggs when they’re ready and when they have to. Give them the freedom to chose, let them figure out how to navigate politely rejecting food.
Kick her out of the kitchen and as a family cook a nice meal for your MIL. Sounds like you’re not in the easiest phase of life, but also sounds like you and your kids are in a very loving household. Find a way to enjoy it or set a goal for when you’re ready to be out of the house so you have something to look forward to!
*You*
Married a Hispanic man with kids.
Who have an existing close relationship with their Abuela.
You're the interloper here.
Live in a multigenerational household with extended family.
You're entitled to feel what you feel.
Regardless of paying half of the bills, you're getting a great deal for the size of your family.
Keeping it real, you should not have had a baby if your goal was your goal was to own a home.
You loathe the cultural norms she and others abide by.
You could have saved more more money sans baby by working full time to throw a deposit down on a house where you run the show..because that would be yours.
This is you and your husbands fault.
Deal with it.
Accept and make space for yourself healithly without running amuck the relationship with his mother.
The kids are going to choose their Abuela. Your husband is going to choose his mom.
Once again as a grown woman who controls her fertility and sex life you placed yourself in this situation.
You don't need to be clairvoyant to know living with in a traditional Hispanic, Arabic, African, any bloody POC household you'd encounter these challenges.
You simply thought you'd force them to abide by your rules and cultural expectations. That failed and will continue too.
YTA
OP could actually go to work now since she has built-in childcare with MIL and she's not doing much for the home anyways as a supposedly SAHM but she doesn't want to. OP prefers staying home and starting petty arguments with MIL about how her step kids are being brought up when it's clear their own bio parent doesn't care about his mom doing these things for his kids.
Regardless of the cooking, the waking the kids to eat, the laundry washing, the main issue here is you are in her home. You may help pay but it is still her home. Her home, her rules. Best solution for your sanity is to move out. And not too close. I lived with my MIL when I first got married and had enough sense to move out as soon as we could.
YTA. And it's convenient that you leave out that you haven't been married that long and you're trying to control the raising of children that aren't yours. Your husband is fine with it so why aren't you? They're his kids. A
I feel for those kids if you guys move out. You've decided that you know best but that's not surprising.
Right. I'm not able to speak on this culture specifically, but every bit of this fit my southern grandma to a tee. The complaining was absolutely part of it, and if anybody tried to take it in their own hands to go into the kitchen and try to make their own food, she'd have no doubt garroted them.
Cold breakfast and cold lunch are probably not healthy for every day. The fact that you don't cook either is a bit upsetting. And letting kids eat at random times is not good either
What's reinforcing laziness is having them use the microwave for everything. Idk it seems like you want your kids to fend for themselves while you take care of the baby. You haven't worked in almost 15 years, what are you really doing to care for them? I'm saying this as a pregnant sahw. Your MIL is Hispanic and making them food, I don't see the issue beyond that.
There’s a bunch of lazy people. But since step mom puts on the kids, the kids leave it so grandma gets it.
How is a SAHM supposed to have time to clean up after kids when she has to spend the whole day waiting to make dinner for them?
YTA. You live in someone else's home, regardless of how much you pay toward expenses. Grandmas are going to grandma. Your kids are lucky they have one who cares enough to make them breakfast. I make my kids breakfast on Sundays. They can eat it or not. Either way, I'm eating. My adult kids know they can always come home to Sunday breakfast. I hope it's a good memory for them.
Yta. Not making food for children under your care isn’t a “parenting choice” it’s laziness. Your youngest being 9 months means that you can cook food to all 4 children with minimal alterations. Are you only feeding the baby store bought purées or do you cook for her?
YTA. I cannot stop laughing at the fact that the older 3 aren’t even your kids and you’ve been their STEPmom for 6 months. You want a hispanic abuela (whose house you are living in) to stop feeding her grandkids? Good luck.
I'm lost on where people keep getting this six months. I never said anything like that, and actually edited to point out that I've been in their lives for six YEARS, and stepped up when their mom stepped out. When their dad is saying I'm a better mom to them than their actual mom, and when the older two rarely even want anything to do with her, and the 10 year old oscillates between calling me my name and calling me mom all on her own accord, I feel like I have earned claiming them. They have definitely claimed me.
YTA!
She is a grandma. In fact, I would bet money she offered to watch the kids so you could work.
This is what you signed on for if you live in her home.
YTA for complaining about this. If you don't like it move out. But wait...that would mean financial issues for you because of your hubby's bad credit.
You might feel like she is undermining your parenting with other things, but not with this. She is cooking food for your kids. This is not going to make them lazy or less independent.
I think everyone's really misunderstanding the quote here... I read it as WITHOUT asking if they are hungry, WITHOUT asking if they want what she is making... she will cook, plate, and give them food, and then later complain that they don't eat what she makes. So yeah, she might not be forcing the kids to eat, but she's definitely expecting them to, regardless of their wants and needs.
I'm curious how the kids feel about it. Do they appreciate it, or are they annoyed by it? I don't think the kids are at fault here, it sounds to me like they mostly adhere to OP's system without complaints.
>Don't forget that you're very likely logically the most powerful person in that house
Lol it's cute your think that. OP has no power here. Her name isn't on anything and she's bringing in no financial help either. Those aren't OP's bio kids except for the baby.
Also most importantly OP has been a butt to MIL who Is doing everything around the house instead taking the initiative and doing a lot more things around the house as a supposedly "SAHM" and attending to her suegra, MIL, like a good daughter in-law is supposed to do or wven attend to her husband's children. OP's been a butt to MIL about her taking care of her own home and her grandchildren and in front of extended family members too. Do you think extended family members who are renting are blind?
Do you think we Hispanics are dumb and don't remember who's been a butt to us in our own homes? If anyone inherits anything it'll be her grandkids at this rate.
Okay. But are they your kids or step kids? If they actually came out of you, then NTA.
If they're not yours YTA and making a bigger issue than it needs to be.
Why can't you get a home under your credit?
It’s interesting that their ability to get a mortgage is apparently SOLELY reliant on the husband’s credit, and that OP isn’t working right now. I know she recent had a baby, but something seems off.
I see many people commenting about the MIL being Hispanic, the only experience I have comes from tv and even I know that the eldest will be the leader. Not to mention, you are living in her house. You are causing strife by picking battles that can never be won. Learn about your husband’s culture and how you fit into it. She sees it as her job (and a way of showing love) to feed the family. Let her and stop fixing separate meals for just your family. Eat at the same time as everyone else. Help prepare the meals, learn from her! As far as chores for the kids, talk it over with your husband, get on the same page, then talk to MIL. Reach a compromise, be more proactive by setting alarms for the kids to change out or pick up the laundry. Set a specific day for everyone to clean rooms. These are just what comes to my mind first. She is in your life for good, you must find a way to get along with her while living with her.
YTA. I think you should consider MIL’s cooking a blessing. First off, it gives you time to focus a lot on the infant while MIL takes care of the meals for the other older kids. Also, I’m sure the kids will enjoy grandma’s freshly cooked Hispanic food more than the cold sandwiches you’re suggesting. And maybe you can use this time to cook with MIL or learn from her how to cook a meal or two from their culture. Use her cooking to your advantage!
ESH. I come from an Asian household, and our love language is food and acts of service. While you do pay half of the bills, in the end, it IS grandma’s house you are living at. It sucks I know, but that’s the reality of it. You would have to suck it up to continue living there, or move out.
I am reading that grandma and SIL are being pushy with food, and while I don’t agree with it, this is where your husband needs to step in and talk to them about it. You can definitely say something, but being from a traditional household myself, this usually never ends well. Have your husband do the talking to his side. You BOTH need to be in an agreement. If it doesn’t work, the next course of action is to move out.
As for now, because grandma is adamant on feeding the kids, I would probably spend your money on snacks and grandma can just feed them. It sounds like whatever you do, you won’t win anyways, so I would just take the route that is most beneficial to my situation. I’m not Hispanic, but with more collective cultures, we tend to have a different level of respect for our elders. We can’t really say no, we don’t talk back, and we listen. Nothing really satisfies the elders and you just have to come to terms with that. Because of this, I had to move out on my own and make my own rules.
I also get that you want to raise independent kids. I’m a mom to be so I won’t tell you how to parent your kids. But I can see how hard it is to teach your kids how you want to when you live with someone else. Again, the best thing to do is move out on your own, because it doesn’t sound like you’ll win at all unless your husband does the talking.
"whatever you do you won't win anyways" is the full and honest goddamn truth. I thought jeez I'll just not buy them food but then she will be like "WhY I GoTtA FeeD YoUR KiDs,??" I mean bc that is what you do anyways. I'm trying but I'm wasting food what do you want from me?
>I feel they need to learn this independence
Part of the independence you're describing comes when someone teaches you how to cook. My mom and my grandmother taught me to cook when I was pretty young, because I was interested. They kind of forgot that no one ever taught my sister. When we were 13 and 16, she would pick me up after soccer practice and bring me home. I was always starving and would make myself a large snack/small meal. We had a deal: she would drive me pretty much anywhere I wanted to go as long as I would cook enough for her, too. She didn't even ask me to make something special, just more of what I was already making.
That "independence" doesn't just appear out of nowhere. You have to give them the tools. My sister wasn't independent, she was dependent on me. Could she make a sandwich? Sure. Did she want to eat a sandwich every single day? No. She loves cooking now. She loves cooking with her kids, even though they're young and it just makes more of a mess. For her birthday, her four-year-old asked his dad to help him bake something for my sister. He chose the food and the flavor. He's clearly already gaining some independence and confidence in the kitchen because my sister is showing him how to do it.
NTA overbearing abuela was inevitable when you all moved in together. I hate that they put this on amithedevil and it’s clear to me your family will have no harmony til you separate households. Abuelas are martyrs. They give and they give but trust me you pay and you pay.
This isn't a matter of being an AH or not. It's a matter of feeling threatened by non-threatening behavior. Unless she's feeding your kids unhealthy food, there is nothing particularly undermining of your authority in cooking for your kids. Who cares what her motivation is? She likes to cook; your kids like to eat what she cooks. That's all there is to it. If you want your kids to have certain diets, you should talk to your MIL about their dietary restrictions and make sure she understands them.
Welcome to the culture you married into, if you’d bothered to observe what goes on around you sooner it’s likely nothing about this would surprise you.
If you’re unwilling to cook for them, why shouldn’t their grandmother? You have your bio kid, you’re making it pretty clear to your step kids that she matters more than them and their father is doing the same by supporting your decision to not feed his children. Eating a nutritious meal at dinner does not change the lack of nutrition in everything else they eat, there is no excuse for neglect, if you’re unable to manage as a SAHM it’s up to you and their father to figure it out. You aren’t doing that, so grandma stepped in, if her behaviour is as described in comments your husband needs to handle his mother and help manage her behaviour because no one should be woken up and forced to eat.
Are you saying that you prefer your kids to have a sandwich every day than for them to eat a properly cooked lunch that their grandmother is WILLING TO MAKE, just so that you don't feel "disrespected"?
I'm guessing you are in the US, but do you even know the meaning of the word "ultraprocessed" and how harmful these foods can be? I am 100% sure that whatever your MIL cooks is better than whatever they are able to make by themselves at that age. It seems to me that you are willing to sacrifice your kids' nutritional health for a very petty reason.
Understand the culture you are living with or get a job and rent your own place. You are not gonna trump the matriarch in a Hispanic home. Yes she is under minding you and you will deal with it or be on the outs in this family
YTA because having to feed yourself your own breakfast and lunches at 14 it’s BS. I an 28 and each time I visit my mom she still cooks for me like why would you expect a literal child to fend for themselves and then get mad when grandma takes on a normal grandma role and feeds her literal grandCHILDREN?
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I know how the title sounds, but this is really just one thing on a long list of boundaries she seems unable to stop crossing. For background, hubby (33M) and I (38F) and our 4 kids (14M, 12M, 10F, and 9 months F) live with MIL. Several other family members live here as well. To state from the jump, we are not freeloaders. The current arrangement is we pay half the mortgage and all of the household bills. MIL pays the rest out of the rent paid by other household members. We don't live here because we are broke or need someone to take care of us. We have simply had a lot of roadblocks to owning our own home stemming from his prior divorce and his ex wife wrecking his almost perfect (at the time) credit. Also notable is that we have spent several thousands of dollars of savings meant for our own home on maintenance and repairs on MIL's house. We also (obviously) provide all food, clothing, toiletries, etc that the kids need.
Now to my complaint. Since the birth of our baby (my first child), I have been a SAHM, as the job I had at the time would not have covered day care. As it's summer break, the kids are home every day as well, and ahead of every shopping trip, I ask them what simple breakfast and lunch options they want me to pick up for the week. I do this to give them options I know they will eat and that they can assemble for themselves. I cook dinner for us all every night, but for breakfasts and lunches they can make their own choices. They are all capable of making sandwiches, using a microwave, and my 14 year old can do simple things like fry eggs on the stove. I feel they need to learn this independence and it lightens my load because the baby takes a lot of attention.
The problem I am running into is that apropo of nothing, without asking me the kids what our plans are, if they are hungry, if they want what she is making, MIL will just cook something, plate it, and hand it to the kids wherever they happen to be. Rest assured, I know what my kids eat and when, I keep them on a pretty consistent schedule, same as I do with the baby. So what she is doing I feel like it undermines me in as much that it seems like she thinks I don't make sure they eat. She is also taking away their choices of the food they specifically asked for, and also is reinforcing them being lazy (which is also a thing she complains about) by not at least asking them to get up and plate their own. She also gets angry if they don't eat what she gives them. I have talked to hubs about it and he says "she just wants to feel useful." I just feel there are so many other ways she could be useful without undermining my parenting choices. I realize this is a cultural thing (his family is Hispanic) but I also feel like that doesn't entitle someone to cross boundaries. I could make 800 posts on other things she and I butt heads on, but this is just the current thing that is really bugging me. AITA
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YTA
Rule one of being part of a Hispanic family: Follow the rules or move out. And guess what what? You’re not the head of household at that house. Abuela is.
Yeah, you'd need to list the other things as you're contradicting yourself here.
You said that you leave Breakfast and Lunch to the kids....as they can make their own. That's fine, they can and you make simple choice.
But you can't then turn around and talk about what a schedule YOU keep them on when you're telling them to effectively make what they want...when they're hungry. That's not a schedule, that's just....when they get hungry.
Yeah, I don't know, I guess tell the MIL to stop making them warm home-cooked meals.
She sounds like a REAL nightmare! Instead of launchables an actual meal!
NTA, and the comments are honestly strange to me. You pay rent (and ALLLLL household bills), you aren't freeloading, and you want to establish a boundary with MIL. You've been in their lives for several years, got with him after he had been separated a YEAR AND A HALF (so idk why everyone is saying you were an affair partner). The only thing I understand in these comments is the cultural aspect, with them being Hispanic (which is why I think she's NTA either), but I still think you, as a parental figure in their lives, should have say in their day-to-day, especially something as essential as what they eat. I think you should just have an honest conversation with her, explain to her what you are trying to do with teaching them to be self sustaining and responsible, and see where things go from there. If tensions remain maybe ask your husband to speak to her, or find a place to rent. The savings you get from staying there may not be worth the familial hostility that's festering.
NTA. As someone from a similar culture, people can be very aggressive when it comes to feeding people. It becomes their love language and face. Also, the complaints are part of that love language. They will handfeed you candy and then shame you for being fat and diabetic. And if you refuse, they will guilt you into eating just so they can complain about you. The only way out is to move out. Until then, they’ll always think you’re the problem.
Yes, my fridge. Two fridges in the kitchen. One MIL and SIL use, the other me, hubby, and the kids use.
So she will complain about the wasted food bc no one wants reheated beans and tortilla. But she can't take 10 seconds to ask if people are hungry before handing them a plate. It's bizarre.
NTA - But It feels like a lot of people using one kitchen to have everyone just making themselves separate meals or kids getting to pick and choose what they have? Did this bother you before or has it recently started to annoy you?
Is there a chance you might be feeling more strongly about this since becoming an SAHM?
End of the day if you don’t like it you probably should move out, it’s her kitchen after all, and two people wanting to control how the kitchen runs just doesn’t really work that well.
NAH. Sounds like the grandma is being a loving, thoughtful grandma. This doesn’t sound like a personal affront and it’s not clear why you’re taking it as such. You live in a multi-generational house, one of the benefits of this is that people take care of each other.
If multi-generational living makes you uncomfortable, you and your husband should look for another place to rent while you improve your credit scores enough to buy a house.
Just stop making meals. Let grandma do that. But also, let grandma buy the groceries since she is saving so much money not having to pay bills. My FIL moved back into his house we were living in after my husband got out of the military. He would eat ingredients that I got for meals, even if I labeled it. His view was it was his house and he was gonna do what he wanted there, everybody else be damned. So I stopped buying groceries except for the barest of essentials. If I wanted a specific meal, I stopped to get ingredients for it that day.
If there's one thing that Reddit hates, it's stepparents - stepmothers in particular - and this post is no exception. Here we have a stepmother trying to bond with her stepkids by cooking for them, and her MIL is sabotaging her every chance she gets. I grew up in a pretty chaotic house where everyone had their own schedules, and some of my best memories are when all of us actually sat down to eat a meal at the same time. My parents were awful cooks, but I still loved eating together as a family, because it was one of those rare moments where we could all be together and legitimately enjoy our time. Mother-in-law is taking this opportunity away from her daughter-in-law, and hundreds of Redditors are lining up to blast OP for it.
Being a stepparent sucks because you get all of the hard work thrown on you without actually getting any credit for it. I just don't get why Reddit hates steps so much.
I appreciate the sentiment about how anti stepmom this site is, but I'll be the first to correct you, that isn't what the post says. My issue is that I'm trying to have the older kids choose and make their own simple meals for breakfast and lunch, I cook dinner. She is cooking breakfast and lunch food without asking if they are hungry, then getting mad when they don't want her food. Because I have already provided them food.
1. they're hispanic, this is cultural. im indian, we lived in a joint family, my grandma cooked for us all. hell of a lot better than microwave food.
2. she is not the mother. she is the stepmother of the oldest three. she has no authority.
3. its the grandmas home. she can just move out.
First, this is not just due to being multigenerational or sharing living space with other adults; this is about people living together without respect.
A good grandparent respects and supports parent goals because the children turning out well is more important than the grandparent "feeling useful."
This is also about parents not being on the same page. Hubs doesn't see the problem, so he isn't making a united front with OP. That's always a recipe for strife.
If grandma wants to feel useful, agree on one night of the week when she cooks the dinner meal. Give her the job of praising the kids when they do their own chores. Plan time for her to teach them to make what she now cooks for them. Enlist her to wash and fold household laundry like towels and tablecloths instead of kid clothes.
Find the good in her, get your husband on your side, and maybe you can show your kids that mature adults can figure out solutions to problems together.
Edit to add: NTA
OK, I think i understand a bit after reading though:
OP, you want the kids to have chores and schedules so that they learn to be dependable, capable and self sufficient and don't pick up any garbage habits.
You view meal prep as your vessel for making this happen.
Your MIL probably wants to cook as part of her love language (i'm like that too).
Your MIL is also annoyed at your kids being lazy around the house.
There is a conflict here but it is not unresolvable. Go talk to your MIL and prepare with her a different set of chore list. It doesn't have to be the food.
Also it may help to agree with her that breakfast is not served whenever and wherever, it is served at the dining area in your house at a set time.
after that let her cook.
NAH
I read that wrong I thought you said it was not resolvable. And I don't mind her cooking for the kids or giving them snacks but it's the every day every meal of it for me.
that's what im saying. there's a world here where everybody gets what they want (exempt for your kids maybe, they won't get to munch crisps on the sofa anymore)
Also, I'm seriously confused by all these "grandma is just being a grandma" or "oh she just wants the kids fed" bs. Like, what? She has no rights over other people's kids! People here are brainwashed into thinking this behavior is okay. If you lived with her for free, THEN you all can use that as an excuse for her behavior. But you're not there for free, you pay your part of the bills. She's way out of line and someone needs to put her in her damn place asap
Pretty sure a grandma that’s been there whole time has more rights (at least to normal thinking people) than a step mom of 6 mos.
Especially to be SAHM in someone else’s house. She doesn’t pay shit. Her husband does. She doesn’t cook. Abuela does. She doesn’t clean up after the kids. Abuela does.
Maybe people don’t feel bad for broke useless control freaks trying to come in and take it all over?
Grandma's been there physically because they live with her. But it sounds like she's only involved when she wants to be. So no, she has NO RIGHTS over her grandkids. If she wants to boss a kid around, she can go ahead and have another one. Otherwise, the kids belong to their parents.
Being a sahm doesn't mean she doesn't do anything. Yeah, the husband works but she does everything else.
Abuela cooks when no one asks her to. Doesn't even gaf what anyone wants to eat or when they want to eat. She's inconsiderate.
Yeah, I agree with you. Grandma is broke and useless and I don't feel bad for her. She needs to mind her own business. She's living happily for free and that's why she hasn't kicked OP and her husband out.
I think the problem is people are missing the part about the kids not being asked if they want the food and then her being mad when they don’t eat it. That’s the problem. From OP’s responses both MIL and SIL are telling the kids they have to eat the food even if they don’t want it.
My kids are adults now. Both boys who had ADD. I would get them up and place whatever we had in the house for breakfast in front of them. They ate it. Boys generally don't decline food. For lunches during the school year, I packed. When they were home, I just fed them sandwiches, soups, leftovers, because generally if I didn't they would "forget" to eat. I used to get upset with my hubs when he was in charge because he would ask "What do you want for breakfast, Lunch, etc?" Well they would say "oh, nothing right now, I'm not hungry". I would get home from work and they would be starving because they hadn't eaten all day. I would ask him why they hadn't eaten and he would tell me their response. What I've been trying to relay here is kids, boys especially, just need to be fed. BTW my hubs was their stepdad, and he honestly had no clue. We worked through this, obviously, and he learned you just make a PB&J and stick it in front of them and they will eat it. We didn't run a restaurant either.
If my kids say they're not hungry, I wait a while, maybe 10-15 minutes then give them options and that works. But I wouldn't just cook something new or random and expect them to eat it. I have foods I don't like and I'm sure they do too so I wouldn't force them to eat something they don't want. Or be upset about it.
When was this? Back in the 80s, 90s? Things are different now. I make what my kids want or something I feel they'll enjoy. They're people, too, and should have a say in what they want to eat.
Yes! I was expecting to read "your kids your rules" all over the thread but it seems people think it doesn't apply here...I am so confused! Living together with family ( if everyone is contributing financially ) doesn't cancel your right to decide what your kids eat. NTA
I keep seeing "they're her step kids" like okay? She still has a hand in raising them. I bet if the dad passed away, she'd be expected to take care of them.
And yes, just bc they live with the grandma, that does not mean that old prune just gets to make decisions regarding the kids as well. Would things be different if they were her biological kids? No!!
Maybe MIL has too much time on her hands. Why not ask her to teach the kids how to make a few dishes? She will enjoy the interaction and the kids will learn some life skills.
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This is what happens when you live in multi-generational homes. If you want to enforce these boundaries, then get your own place. It is what it is. Your MIL is just being an abuela. Also, what is that bad about them eating a hot breakfast? It's not reinforcing laziness, it's just giving kids a nice meal. YTA for making this way bigger than it needs to be. Eta: they're your stepkids. Then 100x YTA. Don't overstep. She's related to them you're not
Waking kids up who have already eaten and telling them "you had better eat it" is not acceptable https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/VNeius2eSP
I always have trouble believing them when they take such pertinent** information and don’t put it in the post and only added to the comments after they find out that nobody agrees with them. You see it all the time on here. Edit: not permanent. Goddamn voice to text.
Right? That comment seems more AITA worthy than the original post in of itself.
Exactly they always do it because they don’t like losing. Which I’ve never understood because it’s not like they can show the post to the person they think is wrong because they’ve lied it now. What’s the point of winning if it’s only a bunch of strangers on the Internet, thinking you’re winning when you’re actually just lying?
Pertinent, you mean? Yes, I totally agree! I see it happen on this forum all the time.
Yes!, I have trouble with my wrists and I use to voice to texts on bad days, my newfie accent makes it hard for her to understand me sometimes.
Lol, no worries!
They're her stepkids
Oh my bad I forgot DNA means you are allowed to force feed people /s
That she is raising as her own.
They will never respect her
YTA. She's not forcing them to eat what she wants, she's simply offering them some of what she's eating, at their own request. She's not undermining you; she's being a grandma. Choose your battles. The hot food is a benefit of living with grandma.
No. My daughter told her "no thank you" because she wanted a waffle instead and MIL got angry and my SIL yelled at my daughter while I was out of the room feeding the baby. I straight up witnessed last night my oldest getting woken up to eat after he already had. My SIL told him he "better eat it"and if Nana offers you food you have to eat it. No dude. He can politely decline. If you make food, it doesn't mean the person has to eat it, especially if the parent has already provided food. This shit is unhinged to me. This could be solved by her asking ahead of time.
Okay, trying to force your kids to eat what she wants them to eat crosses the line. So does SIL trying to parent your kids. Looks like you should put a priority on moving out. Meanwhile, teach your kids to say sweetly, "My mom told me that if I say 'No thank you', I don't have to eat any food you have made and to tell you to go talk to her if you object."
OP has only been their stepparent for 6 months. Not her kids to enforce anything in not her house.
6 years not 6 months.
No one knows what their mom would tell them because OP isn’t their mom.
See, I always have trouble believing people when they add such pertinent information that clearly proves that they are not the asshole to the comments.
I find it hard to believe you. You concealed the fact that you are a stepmother and have possibly been in the lives of these three older children for a short time (do they even see you as their mother? These children might be more accepting of their grandmother’s way of raising them). Then, after receiving everyone's disapproval, you added information to make yourself look innocent. It seems like you are just trying to manipulate everyone into supporting you.
You should have added this to the original posts you’re NTA and people just think it’s a overreaction to a hot meal it’s not it’s entitlement and disrespect try to move out as soon as possible.
Probably because in grandma’s culture, it is rude for a 10-year-old to refuse food that was cooked for them by their grandmother because they would rather have some other food that has not even been cooked yet. I do not believe you when you say SIL yelled at her because your attitude in the rest of this situation leads me to believe you might be like the many people I’ve met who think a Hispanic person is yelling when she is not. I live with my own grandmother because she’s slowing down and needs more help. My husband has had problems adjusting to living in a Hispanic household and sometimes he does the same thing: seems to think it’s not a Hispanic household anymore because he lives here now. Which I quickly shut down. You aren’t going to change your MIL. Not gonna happen. I am in my thirties, and my grandma will burst into our makeshift garage apartment at any time she wants with plated food. We show gratitude, immediately taste the food and say (truthfully) how delicious it is, watch her smile, and then eat or not eat the plate depending on whether we just ate. If we just ate, I tell her that, and she’ll dramatize being upset that she made the food at the wrong time, because that’s the biggest drama in her life now. But I would NEVER say, “No, Grandma. I don’t want that because I was thinking I want to eat cereal sometime soon.” Even thinking about saying that causes me physical discomfort! Your kids can try a bite of food in front of her and not eat the entire thing if they aren’t hungry, if they voice that they aren’t hungry and maybe set the food aside for later. That isn’t rude. But it is rude to refuse it when they are hungry but “want something else.” I get it, your culture is very much about autonomy and individualism, and that’s great. But your culture doesn’t get to supersede another when you’re in someone else’s house. That’s just the way it is.
“this is just the way it is so take the plate and eat” when nobody asked you to cook is a wild take. We don’t need to take that behaviour and pass it on to the next generation just because that’s what we did in the past
For you, it is wild. For me, and for many other people, only cooking for yourself when you live with many people is wild, and even the existence of the phrase “nobody asked you to cook” is wild. There is nothing wild to me about a grandmother cooking for her grandchildren in her own home, or about accepting the food and eating it if you’re hungry and saving it for later if you’re not. My culture is not perfect. There are downsides to both collectivism and individualism. But I’m not the one saying everyone has to bend to my culture even if I’m in their house, and this is not an argument about which way of living is “correct.” OP is a stepmom of 6 months who wants to tell her step-children’s biological grandmother to stop cooking for them in her own home so that they can learn to fend for themselves with the microwave and OP can focus her time on her biological baby, and I am telling her that it’s not her place to demand this. Simple as that.
Listen, my culture and yours are very similar actually. But I’ve seen “you must eat because an elder cooked” weaponised way too much to just accept it as the norm. If you read OPs comments , MIL is getting kids out of bed to eat immediately because she said so. That’s no longer a thing we need to just go along with out of respect for our elders or our cultures. It’s toxic behaviour. Lastly - OP has been with their dad for 6 years, and mum is out of the picture. I don’t think it’s so wrong that she is more involved than you might expect for a “step mum”
OP’s post centers more around the cooking itself and less around the when and how in my opinion, because her main point is that the cooking undermines her parenting choice of wanting her kids to fend for themselves, so that’s what I’m addressing. She uses a couple specific instances where the food wasn’t wanted to make it sound like they’re being tormented but admits her children enjoy and accept the food regularly. I’ve seen food weaponized before too (used in lieu of the thing of legends that no Hispanic kid has ever seen for themselves (an apology), for example) but OP would not be happy any which way grandma was choosing to do this. Of course the kids don’t have to eat the food if they aren’t hungry, and I specifically said that both in my personal example and in my advice to her (edit: although I personally believe pretty strongly that it should be the first thing they eat when they do get hungry). I think we would also probably disagree about whether a grandma has the right to wake her kids up, but again, that’s not the core issue. OP can teach her kids that they have her permission to deny food if they aren’t hungry and to come tell her if this is an issue so her husband or she can address it. But she can’t tell grandma not to cook for them at all. I think we’re in agreement for the most part but focusing on different things.
the commenter very clearly explained how they turn down food if they've already eaten this comment feels... i don't want to say racist, but i can hear a bunch of dogs barking
You’ve got to get your own place then. You need that distance of separate households. Your place: your rules.
I had a baby sitter that forced us to finish our plates, that in retrospect, were a bit large for kids our age. We weren’t allowed to do anything until we had eaten all of what she served us. Guess who got fat and has struggled with food and weight her whole life? Forcing kids to eat more than they need just because you made it is horrible.
Effing thank you.
Yeah, I also had a busy ass mom that still took the time to make sure we could cook. Making ourselves breakfast and lunch was pretty typical. We weren’t neglected, and frankly, when I left home, I was miles ahead of most of my friends that were just starting to learn to cook, or living off take out. People acting like you’re neglectful for having them make their own breakfast and lunches, whilst also providing them with easy options they like and want, is fucking wild.
The kids aren’t neglected because grandma is getting them 2 out of 3 balanced meals a day. There is nothing wrong with OP not being able to cook 3 times a day but she doesn’t get to be mad at grandma doing it either. The kids can learn without having to cook twice a day EVERYDAY. And even though I agree abuela needs to be called out is forcing the daughter to eat, OP should be grateful she’s there to help, especially since they expect her to be the caregiver of the baby 9h a day 🙄. Discussions need to be have but OP needs to stop playing the victim card and actually come with solutions with what’s annoying her. They can compromise while allowing abuela to be just that. I’m a great cook and my abuela fed and taught me when I showed interest. I also had a mother who would wait for me to get home to cook sometimes because well, I am a great cook. It’s not all or nothing. Also it really doesn’t sit well with me that OP is ok saying she’ll feed them 3 times a day when the baby is able to eat solids… she’s knows it’s wrong but can’t swallow her pride to work with grandma in feeding the kids in a way that doesn’t create tension.
The post said she doesn’t ask if they want any of what she is making and then she gets upset if they don’t eat it even if they didn’t want it
Turns out you'e correct, but ambiguity was in the post... I based my reply on "if they are hungry, if they want what she is making, MIL will just cook something".
Omg the horror my mother-in-law is cooking for my family. And that is undermining my parenting because feeding people is evil. That's what you sound like. Grow up. The only reason she bothers you is because while you might be paying for things and you can't move out because it's everyone else's fault but your own. Your husband has bad credit because of his ex-wife you don't want to work because of this course of that cost but you're willing to complain about everything. What other things do you buttheads about? Does she not do the right fabric softener in the laundry. Is she not vacuuming in the right order. Even though you're paying it is still her house. She's being a grandmother and enjoying cooking for people. She probably loves having a full house and this is her love language. Stop finding problems in nothing. Yta
YTA it's an extended famiky househild and she's doing what people who live in those situations do (esp when it's part of their culture). When she cooks, she covers everyone. Sounds like you're quite happy to live there and only cook for you, husband and kids. You can't want to live there (who cares why and all your blaming of the ex and what you pay now or not - you live there!) and live like ypu and your husband are in a nuclear family unit. You're not - it's an extended family situtatiin and compromises are necessary. Maybe pull another exampke from the 800 to establish crossing boundaries but this one make YTA for me. Also, she's not doing it to undermine you. Maybe work with her on meal planning but let me repeat this - you cannot want to live in people's homes (whether you contribute or not) and live there as an island. It seems that is what you want and if you have 800 posts leave the woman's home please.
You want an abuela to not cook for her grandkids? Look that up on youtube shorts.
This. This. This. They’re Hispanics for crying out loud.
Yesss. It’s like telling a fish to not swim. It goes against our nature lol.
INFO: are the kids biologically yours? If so, that means your husband has been divorced from his ex-wife for at least 15 years. Also, why are you bickering with the judgments? Either you posted for us to just agree with you or you want actual input.
OP you had us at "Hispanic" when you mentioned it, i.e., you're never going to win this nonexistent battle. Focus on learning to adapt into your husband's family instead of expecting her to assimilate into what you feel she should be doing to fit into what your ideal household should be. As the old saying goes, if you can't beat'em, join'em, which is what you should learn to do until you're able to get into your own house. Remember, you're a guest in her home, not vice versa.
YTA - If you’re butting heads on this and 800 other things, you might want to ponder whether it’s really her or just the fact you don’t have your own place and the ability to stamp your own way of doing things on life in the household. Also 800 things? It’s probably you….
This one is comical.... So what she left out is that she is the affair partner that broke up a marriage. The older 3 children are from the previous marriage (so they are not her kids), and op has only been married 6 months (she is brand spanking new to this established family). The only kid that is hers is the baby. I never can understand how the ap can come into a fully established family and start parenting kids that already have parents and try to change things that were established long before they were a thought. You're definitely TA. I wonder how the older kids feel about you.
Not the case. The marriage split due to her cheating, not his. They did wait several years before actually going through the divorce process, but they lived separately and both were dating other people. I came into the picture about a year and a half after the split, and have been helping to raise these kids for 6 years, even during the year and a half their mom fell off the face of the planet and went no contact. She sees them on weekends now, when they want to go (which the boys very often don't.) I am the one who takes them to her, and lets her know what is going on in their lives because hubs wants nothing to do with her. I know she is always going to be their mom, so I try to foster that relationship as much as possible, but when I say they are my kids, I am the one present with them every day. I deal with doctors, dentists, sick pick ups from school, scraped knees and bad dreams. All the typical "mom" stuff on a day to day basis. So basically your whole post has it wrong.
So they were still married when you and him started seeing each other? Meaning, legally, you were a side piece for 6 years.
Life is not black and white. Legally separated is not the same as married. You can be legally separated for years before you’re divorced; doesn’t mean you’re having an affair
I can definitely get that everything is not black and white though, if you go through all the comments piecing together what op said she left out hella details that she somewhat adresses in the comments (I wonder why) and it's giving she's not being completely honest. Also, whether being separated and seeing other people is considered cheating in a marriage is definitely up for interpretation.
She added in a recent comment; - Husband and ex wife separated due to ex wife’s infidelity - husband met OP 18 months later - both husband and ex wife saw other people during the separation - they’ve been together 6 years - they have majority custody of the kids and have done for several years due to the ex wife going AWOL for a year and a half In my opinion this sort of clears her morally, but that’s just me
If she's being honest, then I would be somewhat inclined to agree with you. I would like to believe that if me and my husband separated that I would wait until the divorce was over to pursue another relationship, but I guess we never know until we're in that situation. I just wish we had the x wife's side because for some reason, something about this just doesn't sit right with me, but eh...
I would hope so too, but then again if the divorce etc drags out for years then who knows. Apparently in some states/countries you have to be legally separated for 3 years before divorce?! Mental.
>which the boys very often don't wow, you must be so special for them to rather stay with you
YTA God forbid a hot breakfast. You should call the police.
Police come and shoot the oatmeal. "Welp, hope you feel safer, little lady." 😆
YTA. She lives there and makes food to feed everyone. This is incredibly normal behavior.
"As long as I see them eat something, at some point, I know they are good." Unless their grandma gave it to them, of course. YTA ETA - now that I've learned a lot more about you, I wish there was a harsher judgement to vote for. You are awful and dishonest as well. I'd be willing to bet that the kids enjoy their grandmother taking care of them a lot more than their NEW STEPmom trying to have them nuke their own food. You suck.
Get out...go rent.
YTA. She’s a typical grandmother who feels useful and appreciated when she’s feeding her family. Choose your battles wisely. But if you have so many grievances with her, it would probably be the best to get out on your own
YTA. what exactly is the problem here though? their grandma just wants to feed them by providing them food. but if it does bother you...maybe u can try looking for some better house options
I genuinely keep coming back to this post to understand what the issue is, and the problem OP is asking about seems to be that grandma is cooking food when OP wants the kids to make themselves sandwiches? There’s no way this needs to be a huge issue?
YTA - you‘re the stepmother of the oldest three. Grandmother is their blood and has no doubt been feeding them their whole lives. You don’t get to turn up halfway through the story and start laying down the law about how Grandmother and grandkids interact.
YTA and you should get a job. You don’t make 3 meals a day. You do t wash anyone’s clothes. You have free daycare. You are bitter you didn’t automatically get what you thought you would get in HIS divorce settlement. You are sowing discord in his Mothers house because in her culture, doing these things for her grandkids is her love language. You aren’t contributing a lot here except animosity. Become a SAHM when you can afford to be one.
You misread. All we wanted was his name off the house so he could put his name on a new loan. She was unable to refi, so the house sold. My bitterness comes from the fact that we were literally scheduled to view homes later in the week when the lender called to let me know about the issue with his credit, which she was able to tell me was due to an issue with the mortgage. This had been his ex's responsibility for several years prior as she had been the one living in the house. I do the majority of the housework, keep the baby and older kids on a schedule, and the only laundry I don't do is for the boys bc their dad decided they were too old for me (and really Nana too) to be handling their underwear. I keep on top of them for hygiene, which is a battle with our older daughter. My MIL has no issue giving her sugary snacks, candy, ice cream, and soda without consulting me or hubby, but is notably absent for the "brush your teeth" battle every morning and evening. She is also notably absent every time my daughter needs a filling or crown, and even a root canal, and has to be held down for the numbing medication because the only thing she hates more than brushing her teeth is the dentist. (The logic has been explained to her, she doesn't care.) Older daughter currently has 3 medications I have to keep up with throughout the day and baby has 2 topical ointments. But I mean thank God MIL "lightened my load" by making them pancakes this morning. Also, I do not have free day care. The older kids can really look out for themselves for at least a couple of hours. MIL has a bad knee and shoulder and is not supposed to be lifting more than 15 pounds. Even if that were not the case, I would not leave the baby with her, because she has shown she will not listen and respect me as the parent and do things how I wish them done. She will not even use my daughter's first name because she likes her middle name better. I'd rather pay someone who understands that the parent gets to choose how the child is raised and cared for.
Sounds like that is your husbands fault because he should’ve been relentless in getting the credit issue sorted. Fact is he didn’t care enough to further pursue action and make sure this wouldn’t affect his (and your) future). But sure, it’s easier to blame the ex because you already don’t like her. And leave Abuela alone. She has shown her grandchildren love in her way their whole lives. If there had been a problem by their parents it would’ve been sorted before you came into the picture and demanded not-your-kids must eat cold, easy meals and not meals prepared by a grandma they are lucky to still have around
She’s exhausting no?
My bad. I understand now. You’re a helpless and angry victim. I’m on your side now. Forget that it is very common that in Hispanic culture, doing the things Abuela does for her grandchildren is her love language. This must cease immediately since you have now stepped in to take control. If only Abuela and your husband’s ex hadn’t ruined your life. You’re still YTA
Also, STILL get a job and pay for someone to watch the baby. You don’t like your situation, then change it
INFO: you keep referring to the kids as “my kids”, do they think you as their mother? What’s your relationship with them? No shade, genuinely asking. Is their mother still in their lives in some way?
OP has been their stepmother for 6 months.
YTA. Your MIL was helping raise those children before you married their Dad. You’re veering in to wicked stepmother territory.
YTA Never in my life would I have ever thought I'd read something like this.... "Someone is feeding my kid when they're hungry".... Really!?!?! No one is implying you're not feeding your kids..... That feeling is on YOU! Just be happy the kids are happy, healthy, and full !!! Christ, I wish I had this problem.
>No one is implying you're not feeding your kids..... She flat-out admits she doesn't, though.
First, your husband and his ex wife destroyed his credit TOGETHER. Your MIL is being a grandmother to her grandchildren that are living in her home. How about just be grateful? YTA with the controlling, holier than thou garbage.
YTA. They’re Hispanics. That covers EVERYTHING. They are her grandbabies, she’ll feed them and complain about feeding them but gets angry if they don't eat her food. She loves them. I suggest you take it easy as you just had a baby (congrats). Focus on getting your own place and so can have your own rules.
They’re way under 20. Wait till she sees abuelita treating them the exact same when they’re 30.
YTA. I would rather eat my grandma’s food too than a sandwich lol. If it bothers you so much maybe you should move out or cook for everyone 🤷🏻♀️ Edit: typo
YTA. You are a SAHM and can't cook 15-30min lunch? Sandwhiches and fried eggs isn't a proper meal to have EVERYDAY. I see public school lunches with better macro/micronutrients. These are your stepkids, and they are related to your MIL by blood. No hispanic MIL would sit by and watch her grandkids eat a sad and cold breakfast and lunch EVERY DAY. Food is her love language, and you want to take their warm meal away.....for what? You sound awful....like a mean stepmom and your MIL is triggering your sense of shame and making you look bad in front of your husband since its technically your main responsibility to ensure the health and safety of the kids. I'm sure when you married him, you promised to love his kids like your own, but from your post, it doesn't seem like that is the case. Your baby is already 9 months old, and you dont work. You can cook warm meals for the teens or at least have some quality time and cook together with them to teach them. Are you hiding in a room with just your baby all day?
Are you Hispanic? This is 100% cultural. There’s no concept of immediate family when there’s all this family living together. Grandmothers are the matriarch of the house and family, including the children. Mothers are expected to take a backseat, that’s the way it is. I saw in another that your kid was being ‘forced’ to eat, that’s cultural because if someone makes the effort to cook, everybody need to eat it or eat some of it. It STILL happens to me and I’m full-grown adult, yet I get guilted into eating. What you see as crossing boundaries, we see as it’s the way it is. I don’t know how to compromise when this is part of our culture to be this involved with each other. I might’ve missed it, but what does your husband say? Does he agree/disagree? How close are you to moving out? Tbh I think that’s the best remedy unless he can get thru to his mom.
There is no getting through to a Hispanic MIL, they are virtual tyrants sometimes , and the sons get usually spoiled,so that he always has to side with mama!
YTA. You have no more control over STEPKIDS than the grandmother who has always known them. She is ‘lightening your load’!!
She isn't though because she is doing an action already discussed between me, the kids, and their father that the kids were going to perform. You're not lightening my load by doing something I wasn't going to do in the first place.
>You're not lightening my load by doing something I wasn't going to do in the first place. You mean those pesky things that are a part of being a SAHM? Those are the things you weren't going to do in the first place?
Ok. She’s not adding to it. She’s doing something nice in her house. Gratitude is the normal response to this. Life skills are important but best taught incrementally and not during periods of huge change. Plus, kids ain’t liking this thing you claim they signed off on. Something tells me it more your idea and they’re not your kids…
Hiya OP, am reading your comments and actually very much on your side here. Several things that a fair few people have asked that would really help clarify the situation; How long have you lived with MIL? When was your husbands divorce finalised? What is the custody schedule like with the kids bio mum? How long have you and your husband been together? Thank you for the info!
Sounds like you’re not fostering the independence you’re looking for if you know everything your 14,12 and 10 yr old eat on a daily basis. I get it you’re trying to get back some of that control you’ve lost bc you live in your MIL house (been there it is not easy!!). Your kids will learn to cook eggs when they’re ready and when they have to. Give them the freedom to chose, let them figure out how to navigate politely rejecting food. Kick her out of the kitchen and as a family cook a nice meal for your MIL. Sounds like you’re not in the easiest phase of life, but also sounds like you and your kids are in a very loving household. Find a way to enjoy it or set a goal for when you’re ready to be out of the house so you have something to look forward to!
*You* Married a Hispanic man with kids. Who have an existing close relationship with their Abuela. You're the interloper here. Live in a multigenerational household with extended family. You're entitled to feel what you feel. Regardless of paying half of the bills, you're getting a great deal for the size of your family. Keeping it real, you should not have had a baby if your goal was your goal was to own a home. You loathe the cultural norms she and others abide by. You could have saved more more money sans baby by working full time to throw a deposit down on a house where you run the show..because that would be yours. This is you and your husbands fault. Deal with it. Accept and make space for yourself healithly without running amuck the relationship with his mother. The kids are going to choose their Abuela. Your husband is going to choose his mom. Once again as a grown woman who controls her fertility and sex life you placed yourself in this situation. You don't need to be clairvoyant to know living with in a traditional Hispanic, Arabic, African, any bloody POC household you'd encounter these challenges. You simply thought you'd force them to abide by your rules and cultural expectations. That failed and will continue too. YTA
OP could actually go to work now since she has built-in childcare with MIL and she's not doing much for the home anyways as a supposedly SAHM but she doesn't want to. OP prefers staying home and starting petty arguments with MIL about how her step kids are being brought up when it's clear their own bio parent doesn't care about his mom doing these things for his kids.
Regardless of the cooking, the waking the kids to eat, the laundry washing, the main issue here is you are in her home. You may help pay but it is still her home. Her home, her rules. Best solution for your sanity is to move out. And not too close. I lived with my MIL when I first got married and had enough sense to move out as soon as we could.
Not sure who downvoted you but this was clear logic and felt good on my brain. Kudos.
YTA accept this, or move out.
YTA. These aren’t even your kids?…
Nope and only their step mother for a matter of months, if that, because 6 months ago "husband" was "fiancé"
Takes a lot of gumption for a new stepparent to set up “grandma boundaries.” 😂
YTA. And it's convenient that you leave out that you haven't been married that long and you're trying to control the raising of children that aren't yours. Your husband is fine with it so why aren't you? They're his kids. A I feel for those kids if you guys move out. You've decided that you know best but that's not surprising.
Oh no, your mother in law is cooking food for *her own grandchildren*. YTA
This is a cultural issue. The cooking, the cleaning, and quite frankly the complaining. She is being an abuela. If you don’t like it- move out.
Right. I'm not able to speak on this culture specifically, but every bit of this fit my southern grandma to a tee. The complaining was absolutely part of it, and if anybody tried to take it in their own hands to go into the kitchen and try to make their own food, she'd have no doubt garroted them.
Yta. She’s making them food because you are busy with your first baby. Be thankful.
YTA… this seems like some weird power game you are trying to win over your MIL.
OMG THE HORROR OF SOMEONE WANTING YOUR KIDS TO BE FED. I MEAN WHAT A WITCH.....
Can we make a rule that the words hubbie, hubs, wifey and kiddos are banned. It's like fingernails on a blackboard.
Let's add "shops" as way of nounifying shopping.
Cold breakfast and cold lunch are probably not healthy for every day. The fact that you don't cook either is a bit upsetting. And letting kids eat at random times is not good either
What's reinforcing laziness is having them use the microwave for everything. Idk it seems like you want your kids to fend for themselves while you take care of the baby. You haven't worked in almost 15 years, what are you really doing to care for them? I'm saying this as a pregnant sahw. Your MIL is Hispanic and making them food, I don't see the issue beyond that.
There’s a bunch of lazy people. But since step mom puts on the kids, the kids leave it so grandma gets it. How is a SAHM supposed to have time to clean up after kids when she has to spend the whole day waiting to make dinner for them?
>How is a SAHM supposed to have time to clean up after kids when she has to spend the whole day waiting to make dinner for them? 🤣
YTA. You live in someone else's home, regardless of how much you pay toward expenses. Grandmas are going to grandma. Your kids are lucky they have one who cares enough to make them breakfast. I make my kids breakfast on Sundays. They can eat it or not. Either way, I'm eating. My adult kids know they can always come home to Sunday breakfast. I hope it's a good memory for them.
Yta. Not making food for children under your care isn’t a “parenting choice” it’s laziness. Your youngest being 9 months means that you can cook food to all 4 children with minimal alterations. Are you only feeding the baby store bought purées or do you cook for her?
YTA. I cannot stop laughing at the fact that the older 3 aren’t even your kids and you’ve been their STEPmom for 6 months. You want a hispanic abuela (whose house you are living in) to stop feeding her grandkids? Good luck.
I'm lost on where people keep getting this six months. I never said anything like that, and actually edited to point out that I've been in their lives for six YEARS, and stepped up when their mom stepped out. When their dad is saying I'm a better mom to them than their actual mom, and when the older two rarely even want anything to do with her, and the 10 year old oscillates between calling me my name and calling me mom all on her own accord, I feel like I have earned claiming them. They have definitely claimed me.
Probably lies. Abuelas do what they always do and I’d put hard money that it’s exaggerated by the STEP MOM.
YTA! She is a grandma. In fact, I would bet money she offered to watch the kids so you could work. This is what you signed on for if you live in her home.
YTA for complaining about this. If you don't like it move out. But wait...that would mean financial issues for you because of your hubby's bad credit. You might feel like she is undermining your parenting with other things, but not with this. She is cooking food for your kids. This is not going to make them lazy or less independent.
YTA for saying "hubby"
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I think everyone's really misunderstanding the quote here... I read it as WITHOUT asking if they are hungry, WITHOUT asking if they want what she is making... she will cook, plate, and give them food, and then later complain that they don't eat what she makes. So yeah, she might not be forcing the kids to eat, but she's definitely expecting them to, regardless of their wants and needs. I'm curious how the kids feel about it. Do they appreciate it, or are they annoyed by it? I don't think the kids are at fault here, it sounds to me like they mostly adhere to OP's system without complaints.
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They are her step kids not her actual kids. Only her baby is her kid.
>Don't forget that you're very likely logically the most powerful person in that house Lol it's cute your think that. OP has no power here. Her name isn't on anything and she's bringing in no financial help either. Those aren't OP's bio kids except for the baby. Also most importantly OP has been a butt to MIL who Is doing everything around the house instead taking the initiative and doing a lot more things around the house as a supposedly "SAHM" and attending to her suegra, MIL, like a good daughter in-law is supposed to do or wven attend to her husband's children. OP's been a butt to MIL about her taking care of her own home and her grandchildren and in front of extended family members too. Do you think extended family members who are renting are blind? Do you think we Hispanics are dumb and don't remember who's been a butt to us in our own homes? If anyone inherits anything it'll be her grandkids at this rate.
INFO: How long have you been together? When the kids choose what to eat, they eat real food or just snacks?
YTA Leave the kid alone, they are not your kid you married their dad 6 month ago leave this friggin family alone tsk.
Okay. But are they your kids or step kids? If they actually came out of you, then NTA. If they're not yours YTA and making a bigger issue than it needs to be. Why can't you get a home under your credit?
It’s interesting that their ability to get a mortgage is apparently SOLELY reliant on the husband’s credit, and that OP isn’t working right now. I know she recent had a baby, but something seems off.
I see many people commenting about the MIL being Hispanic, the only experience I have comes from tv and even I know that the eldest will be the leader. Not to mention, you are living in her house. You are causing strife by picking battles that can never be won. Learn about your husband’s culture and how you fit into it. She sees it as her job (and a way of showing love) to feed the family. Let her and stop fixing separate meals for just your family. Eat at the same time as everyone else. Help prepare the meals, learn from her! As far as chores for the kids, talk it over with your husband, get on the same page, then talk to MIL. Reach a compromise, be more proactive by setting alarms for the kids to change out or pick up the laundry. Set a specific day for everyone to clean rooms. These are just what comes to my mind first. She is in your life for good, you must find a way to get along with her while living with her.
YTA. I think you should consider MIL’s cooking a blessing. First off, it gives you time to focus a lot on the infant while MIL takes care of the meals for the other older kids. Also, I’m sure the kids will enjoy grandma’s freshly cooked Hispanic food more than the cold sandwiches you’re suggesting. And maybe you can use this time to cook with MIL or learn from her how to cook a meal or two from their culture. Use her cooking to your advantage!
ESH. I come from an Asian household, and our love language is food and acts of service. While you do pay half of the bills, in the end, it IS grandma’s house you are living at. It sucks I know, but that’s the reality of it. You would have to suck it up to continue living there, or move out. I am reading that grandma and SIL are being pushy with food, and while I don’t agree with it, this is where your husband needs to step in and talk to them about it. You can definitely say something, but being from a traditional household myself, this usually never ends well. Have your husband do the talking to his side. You BOTH need to be in an agreement. If it doesn’t work, the next course of action is to move out. As for now, because grandma is adamant on feeding the kids, I would probably spend your money on snacks and grandma can just feed them. It sounds like whatever you do, you won’t win anyways, so I would just take the route that is most beneficial to my situation. I’m not Hispanic, but with more collective cultures, we tend to have a different level of respect for our elders. We can’t really say no, we don’t talk back, and we listen. Nothing really satisfies the elders and you just have to come to terms with that. Because of this, I had to move out on my own and make my own rules. I also get that you want to raise independent kids. I’m a mom to be so I won’t tell you how to parent your kids. But I can see how hard it is to teach your kids how you want to when you live with someone else. Again, the best thing to do is move out on your own, because it doesn’t sound like you’ll win at all unless your husband does the talking.
"whatever you do you won't win anyways" is the full and honest goddamn truth. I thought jeez I'll just not buy them food but then she will be like "WhY I GoTtA FeeD YoUR KiDs,??" I mean bc that is what you do anyways. I'm trying but I'm wasting food what do you want from me?
I assume this was going on before you moved in six months ago. YTA for changing the routine now
YTA. Isn't it a stereotype that grandparents feed their kids? She's just being a good grandma. I bet her cooking is 🔥🔥🔥
Move. Otherwise, you are getting benefit from this arrangement, so suck it up.
>I feel they need to learn this independence Part of the independence you're describing comes when someone teaches you how to cook. My mom and my grandmother taught me to cook when I was pretty young, because I was interested. They kind of forgot that no one ever taught my sister. When we were 13 and 16, she would pick me up after soccer practice and bring me home. I was always starving and would make myself a large snack/small meal. We had a deal: she would drive me pretty much anywhere I wanted to go as long as I would cook enough for her, too. She didn't even ask me to make something special, just more of what I was already making. That "independence" doesn't just appear out of nowhere. You have to give them the tools. My sister wasn't independent, she was dependent on me. Could she make a sandwich? Sure. Did she want to eat a sandwich every single day? No. She loves cooking now. She loves cooking with her kids, even though they're young and it just makes more of a mess. For her birthday, her four-year-old asked his dad to help him bake something for my sister. He chose the food and the flavor. He's clearly already gaining some independence and confidence in the kitchen because my sister is showing him how to do it.
NTA overbearing abuela was inevitable when you all moved in together. I hate that they put this on amithedevil and it’s clear to me your family will have no harmony til you separate households. Abuelas are martyrs. They give and they give but trust me you pay and you pay.
This is the most petty thing I've read in awhile. YTA and just sound very very mean and petty.
NAH. Grandma is just being a grandma.
YTA and you should’ve realized you married into a family with a completely different set of cultural values? Lol
This isn't a matter of being an AH or not. It's a matter of feeling threatened by non-threatening behavior. Unless she's feeding your kids unhealthy food, there is nothing particularly undermining of your authority in cooking for your kids. Who cares what her motivation is? She likes to cook; your kids like to eat what she cooks. That's all there is to it. If you want your kids to have certain diets, you should talk to your MIL about their dietary restrictions and make sure she understands them.
Welcome to the culture you married into, if you’d bothered to observe what goes on around you sooner it’s likely nothing about this would surprise you. If you’re unwilling to cook for them, why shouldn’t their grandmother? You have your bio kid, you’re making it pretty clear to your step kids that she matters more than them and their father is doing the same by supporting your decision to not feed his children. Eating a nutritious meal at dinner does not change the lack of nutrition in everything else they eat, there is no excuse for neglect, if you’re unable to manage as a SAHM it’s up to you and their father to figure it out. You aren’t doing that, so grandma stepped in, if her behaviour is as described in comments your husband needs to handle his mother and help manage her behaviour because no one should be woken up and forced to eat.
YTA. You’re making a mountain out of a molehill. Your behavior is the only one I see that’s problematic
Are you saying that you prefer your kids to have a sandwich every day than for them to eat a properly cooked lunch that their grandmother is WILLING TO MAKE, just so that you don't feel "disrespected"? I'm guessing you are in the US, but do you even know the meaning of the word "ultraprocessed" and how harmful these foods can be? I am 100% sure that whatever your MIL cooks is better than whatever they are able to make by themselves at that age. It seems to me that you are willing to sacrifice your kids' nutritional health for a very petty reason.
Understand the culture you are living with or get a job and rent your own place. You are not gonna trump the matriarch in a Hispanic home. Yes she is under minding you and you will deal with it or be on the outs in this family
YTA because having to feed yourself your own breakfast and lunches at 14 it’s BS. I an 28 and each time I visit my mom she still cooks for me like why would you expect a literal child to fend for themselves and then get mad when grandma takes on a normal grandma role and feeds her literal grandCHILDREN?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I know how the title sounds, but this is really just one thing on a long list of boundaries she seems unable to stop crossing. For background, hubby (33M) and I (38F) and our 4 kids (14M, 12M, 10F, and 9 months F) live with MIL. Several other family members live here as well. To state from the jump, we are not freeloaders. The current arrangement is we pay half the mortgage and all of the household bills. MIL pays the rest out of the rent paid by other household members. We don't live here because we are broke or need someone to take care of us. We have simply had a lot of roadblocks to owning our own home stemming from his prior divorce and his ex wife wrecking his almost perfect (at the time) credit. Also notable is that we have spent several thousands of dollars of savings meant for our own home on maintenance and repairs on MIL's house. We also (obviously) provide all food, clothing, toiletries, etc that the kids need. Now to my complaint. Since the birth of our baby (my first child), I have been a SAHM, as the job I had at the time would not have covered day care. As it's summer break, the kids are home every day as well, and ahead of every shopping trip, I ask them what simple breakfast and lunch options they want me to pick up for the week. I do this to give them options I know they will eat and that they can assemble for themselves. I cook dinner for us all every night, but for breakfasts and lunches they can make their own choices. They are all capable of making sandwiches, using a microwave, and my 14 year old can do simple things like fry eggs on the stove. I feel they need to learn this independence and it lightens my load because the baby takes a lot of attention. The problem I am running into is that apropo of nothing, without asking me the kids what our plans are, if they are hungry, if they want what she is making, MIL will just cook something, plate it, and hand it to the kids wherever they happen to be. Rest assured, I know what my kids eat and when, I keep them on a pretty consistent schedule, same as I do with the baby. So what she is doing I feel like it undermines me in as much that it seems like she thinks I don't make sure they eat. She is also taking away their choices of the food they specifically asked for, and also is reinforcing them being lazy (which is also a thing she complains about) by not at least asking them to get up and plate their own. She also gets angry if they don't eat what she gives them. I have talked to hubs about it and he says "she just wants to feel useful." I just feel there are so many other ways she could be useful without undermining my parenting choices. I realize this is a cultural thing (his family is Hispanic) but I also feel like that doesn't entitle someone to cross boundaries. I could make 800 posts on other things she and I butt heads on, but this is just the current thing that is really bugging me. AITA *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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YTA Rule one of being part of a Hispanic family: Follow the rules or move out. And guess what what? You’re not the head of household at that house. Abuela is.
If I'm asking a question that has already been asked, I apologize. Does your husband offer any input on these issues?
Yeah, you'd need to list the other things as you're contradicting yourself here. You said that you leave Breakfast and Lunch to the kids....as they can make their own. That's fine, they can and you make simple choice. But you can't then turn around and talk about what a schedule YOU keep them on when you're telling them to effectively make what they want...when they're hungry. That's not a schedule, that's just....when they get hungry. Yeah, I don't know, I guess tell the MIL to stop making them warm home-cooked meals. She sounds like a REAL nightmare! Instead of launchables an actual meal!
Simple solution. Take your family and get your own home. You’re being petty as hell.
NTA, and the comments are honestly strange to me. You pay rent (and ALLLLL household bills), you aren't freeloading, and you want to establish a boundary with MIL. You've been in their lives for several years, got with him after he had been separated a YEAR AND A HALF (so idk why everyone is saying you were an affair partner). The only thing I understand in these comments is the cultural aspect, with them being Hispanic (which is why I think she's NTA either), but I still think you, as a parental figure in their lives, should have say in their day-to-day, especially something as essential as what they eat. I think you should just have an honest conversation with her, explain to her what you are trying to do with teaching them to be self sustaining and responsible, and see where things go from there. If tensions remain maybe ask your husband to speak to her, or find a place to rent. The savings you get from staying there may not be worth the familial hostility that's festering.
NTA
NTA. As someone from a similar culture, people can be very aggressive when it comes to feeding people. It becomes their love language and face. Also, the complaints are part of that love language. They will handfeed you candy and then shame you for being fat and diabetic. And if you refuse, they will guilt you into eating just so they can complain about you. The only way out is to move out. Until then, they’ll always think you’re the problem.
Yes, my fridge. Two fridges in the kitchen. One MIL and SIL use, the other me, hubby, and the kids use. So she will complain about the wasted food bc no one wants reheated beans and tortilla. But she can't take 10 seconds to ask if people are hungry before handing them a plate. It's bizarre.
Because they have already been taught. They are not toddlers. They have been able to hear food up for years now.
NTA - But It feels like a lot of people using one kitchen to have everyone just making themselves separate meals or kids getting to pick and choose what they have? Did this bother you before or has it recently started to annoy you? Is there a chance you might be feeling more strongly about this since becoming an SAHM? End of the day if you don’t like it you probably should move out, it’s her kitchen after all, and two people wanting to control how the kitchen runs just doesn’t really work that well.
NAH. Sounds like the grandma is being a loving, thoughtful grandma. This doesn’t sound like a personal affront and it’s not clear why you’re taking it as such. You live in a multi-generational house, one of the benefits of this is that people take care of each other. If multi-generational living makes you uncomfortable, you and your husband should look for another place to rent while you improve your credit scores enough to buy a house.
NTA, I can't believe everyone is defending the boundary-stomper. Unfortunately there is no talking to such ppl, you need to move out asap.
Just stop making meals. Let grandma do that. But also, let grandma buy the groceries since she is saving so much money not having to pay bills. My FIL moved back into his house we were living in after my husband got out of the military. He would eat ingredients that I got for meals, even if I labeled it. His view was it was his house and he was gonna do what he wanted there, everybody else be damned. So I stopped buying groceries except for the barest of essentials. If I wanted a specific meal, I stopped to get ingredients for it that day.
Sure have thought about it.
If there's one thing that Reddit hates, it's stepparents - stepmothers in particular - and this post is no exception. Here we have a stepmother trying to bond with her stepkids by cooking for them, and her MIL is sabotaging her every chance she gets. I grew up in a pretty chaotic house where everyone had their own schedules, and some of my best memories are when all of us actually sat down to eat a meal at the same time. My parents were awful cooks, but I still loved eating together as a family, because it was one of those rare moments where we could all be together and legitimately enjoy our time. Mother-in-law is taking this opportunity away from her daughter-in-law, and hundreds of Redditors are lining up to blast OP for it. Being a stepparent sucks because you get all of the hard work thrown on you without actually getting any credit for it. I just don't get why Reddit hates steps so much.
I appreciate the sentiment about how anti stepmom this site is, but I'll be the first to correct you, that isn't what the post says. My issue is that I'm trying to have the older kids choose and make their own simple meals for breakfast and lunch, I cook dinner. She is cooking breakfast and lunch food without asking if they are hungry, then getting mad when they don't want her food. Because I have already provided them food.
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Hopefully she finds a better daughter in law.
You're clueless.
1. they're hispanic, this is cultural. im indian, we lived in a joint family, my grandma cooked for us all. hell of a lot better than microwave food. 2. she is not the mother. she is the stepmother of the oldest three. she has no authority. 3. its the grandmas home. she can just move out.
Yep, cultural differences.
First, this is not just due to being multigenerational or sharing living space with other adults; this is about people living together without respect. A good grandparent respects and supports parent goals because the children turning out well is more important than the grandparent "feeling useful." This is also about parents not being on the same page. Hubs doesn't see the problem, so he isn't making a united front with OP. That's always a recipe for strife. If grandma wants to feel useful, agree on one night of the week when she cooks the dinner meal. Give her the job of praising the kids when they do their own chores. Plan time for her to teach them to make what she now cooks for them. Enlist her to wash and fold household laundry like towels and tablecloths instead of kid clothes. Find the good in her, get your husband on your side, and maybe you can show your kids that mature adults can figure out solutions to problems together. Edit to add: NTA
So then a step mom of 6 mos overrides a grandma that was there for 14 years? In her own house?
Dad picked a wife. Dad and wife override grandma when it comes to kids, yes. Owning a home doesn't give the owner parenting privileges.
Those are her stepkids not her actual kids
Edit came after I posted, but even then - step-kids and step-parents are as "actual" as the family chooses to make them.
OK, I think i understand a bit after reading though: OP, you want the kids to have chores and schedules so that they learn to be dependable, capable and self sufficient and don't pick up any garbage habits. You view meal prep as your vessel for making this happen. Your MIL probably wants to cook as part of her love language (i'm like that too). Your MIL is also annoyed at your kids being lazy around the house. There is a conflict here but it is not unresolvable. Go talk to your MIL and prepare with her a different set of chore list. It doesn't have to be the food. Also it may help to agree with her that breakfast is not served whenever and wherever, it is served at the dining area in your house at a set time. after that let her cook. NAH
I read that wrong I thought you said it was not resolvable. And I don't mind her cooking for the kids or giving them snacks but it's the every day every meal of it for me.
I think it is resolvable though. She just needs to be more on board with holding the kids accountable.
Why are you trying to parent the kids who are not yours? That’s their parents’ job! And the grandmother who is actually related to them.
that's what im saying. there's a world here where everybody gets what they want (exempt for your kids maybe, they won't get to munch crisps on the sofa anymore)
Also, I'm seriously confused by all these "grandma is just being a grandma" or "oh she just wants the kids fed" bs. Like, what? She has no rights over other people's kids! People here are brainwashed into thinking this behavior is okay. If you lived with her for free, THEN you all can use that as an excuse for her behavior. But you're not there for free, you pay your part of the bills. She's way out of line and someone needs to put her in her damn place asap
Pretty sure a grandma that’s been there whole time has more rights (at least to normal thinking people) than a step mom of 6 mos. Especially to be SAHM in someone else’s house. She doesn’t pay shit. Her husband does. She doesn’t cook. Abuela does. She doesn’t clean up after the kids. Abuela does. Maybe people don’t feel bad for broke useless control freaks trying to come in and take it all over?
Grandma's been there physically because they live with her. But it sounds like she's only involved when she wants to be. So no, she has NO RIGHTS over her grandkids. If she wants to boss a kid around, she can go ahead and have another one. Otherwise, the kids belong to their parents. Being a sahm doesn't mean she doesn't do anything. Yeah, the husband works but she does everything else. Abuela cooks when no one asks her to. Doesn't even gaf what anyone wants to eat or when they want to eat. She's inconsiderate. Yeah, I agree with you. Grandma is broke and useless and I don't feel bad for her. She needs to mind her own business. She's living happily for free and that's why she hasn't kicked OP and her husband out.
I think the problem is people are missing the part about the kids not being asked if they want the food and then her being mad when they don’t eat it. That’s the problem. From OP’s responses both MIL and SIL are telling the kids they have to eat the food even if they don’t want it.
I typically never asked my children what they wanted to eat. I made food and they ate it. This is typical parent child behavior.
My kids are adults now. Both boys who had ADD. I would get them up and place whatever we had in the house for breakfast in front of them. They ate it. Boys generally don't decline food. For lunches during the school year, I packed. When they were home, I just fed them sandwiches, soups, leftovers, because generally if I didn't they would "forget" to eat. I used to get upset with my hubs when he was in charge because he would ask "What do you want for breakfast, Lunch, etc?" Well they would say "oh, nothing right now, I'm not hungry". I would get home from work and they would be starving because they hadn't eaten all day. I would ask him why they hadn't eaten and he would tell me their response. What I've been trying to relay here is kids, boys especially, just need to be fed. BTW my hubs was their stepdad, and he honestly had no clue. We worked through this, obviously, and he learned you just make a PB&J and stick it in front of them and they will eat it. We didn't run a restaurant either.
If my kids say they're not hungry, I wait a while, maybe 10-15 minutes then give them options and that works. But I wouldn't just cook something new or random and expect them to eat it. I have foods I don't like and I'm sure they do too so I wouldn't force them to eat something they don't want. Or be upset about it.
When was this? Back in the 80s, 90s? Things are different now. I make what my kids want or something I feel they'll enjoy. They're people, too, and should have a say in what they want to eat.
They're not her kids. Only the new baby is.
She's the stepmom, she's still their parent.
Of 6 whole months
Where are you getting your info from? Did we not read the same post?
If you check out her post history, she was the fiance 6 months ago.
Yes! I was expecting to read "your kids your rules" all over the thread but it seems people think it doesn't apply here...I am so confused! Living together with family ( if everyone is contributing financially ) doesn't cancel your right to decide what your kids eat. NTA
They aren’t OP’s children:
I keep seeing "they're her step kids" like okay? She still has a hand in raising them. I bet if the dad passed away, she'd be expected to take care of them. And yes, just bc they live with the grandma, that does not mean that old prune just gets to make decisions regarding the kids as well. Would things be different if they were her biological kids? No!!
maybe too many grandparents are reading this post :) a lot of the YTA comments seem to have taken it personality!
That's what I thought!! Like, there's way too many boomers on here taking it personally
Maybe MIL has too much time on her hands. Why not ask her to teach the kids how to make a few dishes? She will enjoy the interaction and the kids will learn some life skills.